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befuddled-calico-whump · 4 months

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Miles to Go Before I Sleep

cw: alcoholism, bad coping mechanisms, referenced violence, emeto

previous /// Wildefire Masterlist ///

°•°•°

Alexei trudged back to Chopper’s with the sunrise to his back, dried blood crusting the seams in his arms. Some was his, some was the mark’s, a loan shark he'd made quick work of, though it had taken most of the night to catch him alone.

He was exhausted, hopefully exhausted enough to fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, hopefully exhausted enough to dream of nothing. He doubted he'd be that lucky.

This was all he'd ever hoped for in the last two years. Of being free, of life going back to business as usual. So why couldn't he sleep?

Making it away from the Tower, from Uriah, had been some big, stupid, out-of-reach fantasy. And in that fantasy, as soon as Lex was free, it was all better. Things were back to normal. The last two years were a bad dream. Easy to bottle away and forget about.

But in the real world, it wasn't so simple.

The contracts should've been easy. They were familiar, ironically safe, but sometimes he'd forget if he was taking down a mark for Chopper or for Uriah. Those moments made him stumble, force himself to press a hand to his throat, remind himself that the collar was gone, that the only one who controlled him anymore was him.

Not that he did a good job of it.

He'd all-but handed the steering wheel to Chopper, taking any job the older man so much as mentioned, if only for a way to distract himself, to try to find a rhythm, but the rhythm he found was nothing steady.

Track, kill, collect. Drink himself to sleep if he got sleep at all. Repeat in a day or two. Look over his shoulder every time he was out of the building, feel his heart start to race at every stranger who stared too long.

Once he'd sobered up enough to track his surroundings, he found he couldn't even attempt sleep unless the lights were on, or else he'd wake up back in the cell. The door couldn't be closed, because then he was trapped, but it couldn't be open either, or someone could sneak up on him. He couldn't be around people, because any of them could be a spy for Uriah, but he couldn't be alone or the damned silence would choke him.

And as it turned out, pretending he could be okay, pretending he'd never been taken in the first place, didn't help anything.

The other Neath freelancers knew it all. People he could've called friends once, who he should've been able to fall into step with, now looked the other way or fell silent when he passed by. They could see the Tower in his scars, in his flinches. They knew how Uriah had owned him.

He'd done the impossible and escaped both, but it still hadn't saved him.

He still wasn't safe, and he never would be.

Not until Uriah Fox was dead.

The thought gave him some solace as he sat awake that night, back flat against the wall, sipping on a bottle of something he hoped was strong enough to knock him out.

Fox had to die so he could sleep, so he could go outside without being seen and caught and trapped. It was the first long-term goal he'd had since being taken, the first goal that wasn't just avoid angering the guards, avoid pissing off Uriah, survive one more day.

Lex staggered to his feet. How late was it? Was Chopper still awake? He had to do this now, he had to get this done now, he didn't care if he was tired, he didn't care if it killed him. He stumbled down the hall, just sober enough to stay on his feet, and that was all he needed. The light was on in Chopper's office. Good.

The older man was leaning back in his chair, sifting through a handful of papers. His eyes darted up when Lex passed the doorway, expression turning from neutrality to mild concern.

“Cinder…”

“I need a contract,” Lex said.

“You just got back from a contract. Sleep.” Chopper laid the papers in front of him. “And take a shower, for fuck’s sake. I can smell the blood on you.”

“I can't sleep,” Lex muttered, rubbing at a splotch of dried blood on his arm until it began to flake away, tiny pieces floating to rest in the ground like a macabre snow. “Are there any hits out for… for higher ups in the city?”

Chopper frowned at the question. “Higher ups?”

“CEOs.” He'd play this as casual as he could, in spite of the tightness in his chest, in spite of how the knowledge that Uriah was still out there was locked around his throat.

Chopper sank back in his chair with a heavy sigh, pulling open a filing cabinet. “Slim pickings. Not many people have the guts or the funds to go after them.” He pulled out a folder. “Why the sudden taste for golden blood? You can't possibly be low on cash already, unless you…”

He trailed off, eyes landing on the bottle still clutched in Lex’s hand, and he knew what he wanted to say. Unless you already drank it all away.

“Does it matter?”

Chopper opened the folder. “I guess it doesn't.” He scanned the pages within in silence for a moment. “Looks like we've got some attorneys… project manager, company director… any of those shiny enough for you?”

Lex grit his teeth. “Are any of them Uriah Fox?”

The folder snapped shut. “Uriah Fox,” Chopper repeated. “You want to kill Uriah Fox?”

His fist tightened around the bottle. “What do you think?”

“I think you should know the code by now. We don't make it personal.”

“I can't fucking sleep, Chopper. I can't…” He let his head drop. “I can't keep doing this. I need… I need him to be gone, I can't—” He pressed a palm into his cheek, cold metal on hot skin. “I don't need a contract to do it. I'll do it on my own. With or without your help.”

Chopper let out a sigh, laying the folder on the desk. “I'm afraid I can't let you do that.”

Lex's stomach churned, uneasy at the way he said it. What did he mean? Weren't they allies? Hadn't it always been us against them?

“You understand.” Chopper spread his hands, something apologetic on his face. “Fox is one of my top investors. It's a conflict of interest.”

Investor. Lex took a stumbling step backwards. Investor, pester, sequester, how had he not seen it? How has he not realized he'd been hiding in the fucking lion's den this entire time? How could Chopper do this, side with Uriah, didn't he realize what he'd done to him? That he'd come for him, take him back, let him rot in the Tower, even further underground than a grave would put him?

Chopper pushed himself up. “I don't want you panicking over this. I'm perfectly capable of maintaining both relationships.”

“You… Y—” Lex hunched over, emptying his stomach on the linoleum tile.

“Fuck, Cinder,” Chopper muttered, moving around the desk. Lex staggered backwards, wiping acrid bile from his chin with the back of his hand, eyes wide and locked on the older man.

Maintaining both relationships. He knew what that meant, he knew Chopper would have no issue handing him over to Uriah if only he was asked to. How had he thought this was a safe haven? (raven) How could he have passed out drunk here, let his guard down so severely? (clearly) He'd been lucky. He'd been so damn lucky Chopper hadn't seen fit to give him up in the last few weeks, and fuck, it would've been easy. Lex had made it easy, by being stupid and trusting and complacent (adjacent).

“Sit down. We can talk about this.”

We can calm you down and keep you in place long enough for Uriah to come barging through the door.

“You're not thinking rationally. I know you haven't been yourself lately.”

You haven't been the same since your return from hell.

“It was a bad idea to set you back to work so soon.”

You came back ruined.

Lex's back hit the wall, and he flinched away from it as if it were another enemy. He couldn't stay here, it wasn't safe, nowhere was safe.

“Cinder…”

He whirled around, head spinning, heart pounding in his throat, not safe.

“Alexei.”

He barreled through the door, feet hardly moving fast enough to keep him upright as he made a mad dash through the front door and stumbled out into the cool night air.

Nowhere was safe (waif, chafe, strafe). Chopper had dozens of freelancers on his payroll, hundreds of allies (spies, cries), thousands of eyes that could watch for him, nowhere was safe, he couldn't sleep (cheap, creep).

He didn't stop running until he was several blocks away, practically collapsing against the wall of a locksmith shop. What now? He couldn't stay awake forever, couldn't stay vigilant, and it was only a matter of time before he passed out and someone took the opportunity to snatch him or report him and fuck, fuck, he hadn't escaped, he'd never really escape, nowhere was safe—

…was it?

He forced himself to inhale, shuddering breaths fighting against the way the world was spinning. There were like-minded people out there, people who hated Uriah as much as he did, people who wouldn't hand him over to Titanium, if only out of spite.

Enemy of my enemy.

He sucked in air, his heartbeat slowing down, if only a little.

"You don't have to go out and face the world alone.”

He still didn't believe that, didn't trust any of the rogues, but he could trust in their shared goal. He'd saved them once, weathered Uriah's anger to protect them from his own fire, and maybe they were still grateful enough that they'd be willing to watch his back and let him rest.

He pushed up from the wall, squinting into the darkness. The rogue's safehouse was miles away. He couldn't even be certain that they'd still be there, but it was the only plan that made sense.

Lex took a swig from the half-empty bottle, still clutched in his fist, hoping the liquor would beat back the fear that still clawed at his chest.

He had a long walk ahead of him.

•°•°•

@whumpacabra @enteredin2eternity @kixngiggles @whumpsday @kiichu @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @shywhumpauthor @distinctlywhumpthing , @bloodinkandashes , @fleur-alise , @whumpy-daydreams , @whumpwillow , @honeycollectswhump ,

#someone refrenced the title poem as i was editing this #spooky #anyway i feel like I've used the title before but i love it sooooo #wildefire #assassin whump #alcohol #alcohol whump #emeto #messy recovery #whump writing #bad coping mechanisms

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machinerot · 4 months

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#my art #harry du bois #kim kitsuragi #disco elysium #disco elysium fanart #harrykim #kimharry #or whatever they're called #let this man have happiness or so help me #im a firm believer in harry getting a slow post-recovery glow up alright. it's the least i can do for the guy.#man i was listening to so many banger songs while making this #im still getting back in the flow of painting so most of my stuff is kinda messy still #but i suspect ill find a middle ground between this and my last piece style-wise #gearing up to drawing kim in all his glory too now that ive finished two different side profiles of him. only a matter of time now #also fun little fact. i drew over half of this (~4 ? hours) using just my finger on the trackpad of my laptop lol #sometimes it helps me to just put shapes and colors down. when ive got a pen i get too nitpicky about being perfect/using fancy techniques #sometimes all you need is. finger 🫶#OH!! i forgot to mention someone spotted it in the tags—yes this is based on that one leyendecker piece!!

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watercolourcritters · 2 months

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on purpose, i will love myself on purpose

(inspired by the jenny slate tweet "i just want someone to grab my little face and scream 'on purpose, on purpose i am going to care about you")

[ID from alt text: marker art of a swimming platypus with hand-written text reading "I will love myself on purpose." The platypus is drawn in shades of olive green and brown with purple highlights, and there is a dark purple border around half the art in the same shade over a white background. The artist's signature reads @ watercolour critters. End ID.]

Instagram | Etsy | Tip Jar

#encouragement #recovery #self love #platypus #accessible art #watercolour critters art #messy encouragement cards

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catastrxblues · 1 month

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EVERMORE by taylor swift (feat. bon iver) — “and i was catching my breath, floors of a cabin creaking under my step. and i couldn’t be sure, i had a feeling so peculiar, this pain wouldn’t be forevermore.”

my #swiftiegiftexchange2024 for @lovesickallovermybed!!!! 🫶🏽🫶🏽

#HIII HII HII how are you <3333 SO sorry for being slightly to the party but HII #i saw that you are currently recovering from surgery and i‘m wishing you all the best and =a faster recovery 💗💗 i hope you’re okay and #are feeling and getting much better every day 💗💗💗#i’m your anon swiftie and it was really nice to get to know you!! 🫶🏽 you’re super super talented and your gifs are so so STUNNING #it was such an honor to be your anon for this event and i had such a fun time making this !#i was SO excited when i saw that some of your favorite ts songs are evermore and idsb. really really sorry i didn’t have the time to make #something for both because my laptop went dead for sometime and i ended up only having the time to make this 😭#evermore the song is something i hold and cherish deeply in my heart too and it was something that has seen some of the worst of my days #and so i decided to do this song for your gift instead!#i can’t really gif much and couldn’t even try #because my laptop in which i had installed ps in went rip so i decided to make you this #(slightly messy sorryy) scrapbook of my view of the song! i tried to incorporate some of the descriptive lyrics and the objects mentioned i #the song and i hope you like it 😁!#and because i think evermore is also something that IS meant to be incredibly personal to the people that listen to it #i decided to include some photos (+added highlights on every lyric that has ever touched me which is almost everything as you can see 😭)#of some of my journal pages on which i rewrote the entire lyrics (except bon iver’s addition 😅) in ‘21 when the song meant to me the most!#i hope you're having a great dayy love 🫶🏽🫶🏽#SwiftieGiftExchange2024 #taylor swift #tswiftedit #evermore #*my edits #nadine.mp3

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sofiaruelle · 2 months

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Guess what finally came in the mail!!!!! My copy of Seasons of the Valley fanzine and these gorgeous lil goodies!!!!!!

Thank you so so much, @seasonsofthevalley for having me as a guest artist!!!

Also big shout out to my fellow contributors and the amazing mod team!!!!

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thepeacefulgarden · 14 days

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#progress #growth #doing your best #the messy middle #give yourself credit #you're doing better than you think #self compassion #honor your progress #you may still have a ways to go #but you've come a long way #and you should be proud of that #healing #recovery #self compassion and accountability can and must coexist #mental health

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chronicsymptomsyndrome · 3 months

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How do I recover from severe burnout with an overwhelmingly messy recovery space

How do I clean my overwhelmingly messy recovery space properly if I am severely burnt out

How do I recover from severe burnout if I’m constantly using all of my energy doing the bare minimum

How do I recover from severe burnout

How do I recover

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uncanny-tranny · 11 months

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Healing can look and feel a lot like pain, so it's hard to imagine this being a good sign. However, I think feeling like it's getting worse can be a sign that you're healing and you're making progress.

I've been noticing in myself that I feel a whole lot worse ever since I actually... acknowledged I have a lot of healing to do and that I am unwell. I actually allowed myself to entertain the idea, and it's opened the floodgates to me finding out just how bad it got. I'm grateful in a way that I'm getting worse now because I have the ability to heal.

If it feels like it's gotten worse, maybe it could be because you're making your way out of the storm. It's going to be okay.

#mental health #mental health advocacy #recovery #i think getting worse is a sign that your brain is ready/you feel safe enough to BE worse #it can be more complex than that but this is my general opinion about it #i've noticed a lot more increased symptoms/seemingly new symptoms and while it's hard to discern why that is...#...i guess i just think it's okay to 'let' yourself be/become worse as you make progress toward recovery #because recovery is a process and not a destination #it's learning how to feel safe and secure and learning how to recognize yourself and your boundaries #it's learning how to apply those skills in your life to make it easier to navigate #it's a messy and human process that is so dependent on the individual and their needs and goals

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nwarrior777 · 7 months

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my personal top 10 fav "I Beat Anorexia And Happy With My Body" things:

thinking "ohhohoooo who is that sexy bitch of a man here with yaaammmmmmmmmmmy hips mhhmhmhmhm" while looking in a mirror before going to shower

"that would be so rad renaissance painting" in same situation

getting over "yeah i love myself as i am but if i gain more i will feel sad again" thought to "i love my body in every way, body where you going i am going too, leeets gooooo biiitch wroom wroom" as the last milestone to completely loving yourself and opening-

-the biggest energy source world ever known - loooove! to yourself to others yaaaaassss

understanding that the difference in the smallest clothes size and the biggest is like 10 cm is fucked up shit and problem is not in me here

checking weight because i worry that i loose weight [and thinking that maybe i got sick or smth] not otherwise (it's fine, i didn't! :) i am about like. 80+ kg, feeling fine! heheeee!!!!)

eating! fucking! taaaaaaaaaaasty food!

loving all my photoes, concept of "i am ugly on that photo" doesn't exist anymore because there is no "ugly" in my system of coordinates

talking with my girl friends with dialogs like "biiiitch you are beautiful fashion goddeeees" and constantly giving each over compliments, and we are all really mean it, and a lot of my girl friends are 80+ kg and they fucking beautiful and they know they are beautiful and we love how we look and know that we are absolutely slaying [i am not a girl, but i am afab and have a lot of fems in friends youunderstood the pointt]

the feeling of endless energy of love and confidence in general, for yourself and people who you love, after you understand that beauty standarts sucks

igewoh i love my body so much yaaaaaaaaaaahahahaaaaa

feel free to reblog and add your fav things in loving yourself, it doesn't have to be 10, write more or less, just spread the looove if you waaant but don't forget to # twwwww yahaahhehehrir i am going to sleeep bye byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee love ya alllllllll

#eating disoder recovery #tw eating disorder mention #tw ed mention #sorry i just take a shower #and looked on my body #and felt a little positive vibes #and here is the post #sorry if it's a little messy #it's 4.30 of the morning here #so yeaaaaaah #bb #love yaa

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flowerflowerflo · 1 month

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i'm dancing around my room i'm having a fashion show i'm getting dressed up for no reason i'm listening to music i'm learning kpop dances i am girlblogging i am drinking water i am having the time of my life oh my gosh. haven't felt this good in months

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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 2 years

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#you are not an embarrassment #everyone is weird!#being human is messy #don’t feel ashamed #doodles #bad art #lousy drawings #doodle #positivity #self love #healing #recovery

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watercolourcritters · 3 months

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trot trot trot

[ID: marker art of a kiwi bird running with text reading "I will keep putting one foot in front of the other even when it sucks." Sucks is underlined for emphasis. The background is plain white, and the artists signature is @ watercolour critters. End ID.]

Instagram | Etsy

#encouragement #recovery #coping #kiwi bird #marker art #watercolour critters art #messy encouragement cards

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safe-haven-safe-place · 1 year

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@youngpueblo

#mental health #emotional pain #healing #recovery #healing isn’t linear #healing is messy #healing takes time #self compassion

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thepeacefulgarden · 19 days

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#give yourself permission #self care #self compassion #rest #play #it's okay to not be okay #it's okay to be messy #you are not a failure #you are not your mistakes #you are not your past #showing up #uncertainty #it's okay to not have all the answers #you are enough #you are worthy #you matter #healing #recovery #let yourself be human

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whumpacabra · 1 month

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Façade

Pain medication use, past trauma, headache, overwhelmed, vague recreational drug mention, prison and legal charges mention, briefly implied past noncon

[Follows Halfway]

Routine took hold and East couldn’t be more thrilled. He had daily tasks to complete - cleaning his own room, setting plates for meals, dusting the common area. And Nathan was generous enough to explain how each task could be successfully completed.

He knew the others were watching him. Talking about him. His implants still stung where they hummed behind his ears. Part of him felt relieved for it; like the cameras in the bunker it was part of the act, a piece of the show. So long as he was observed, he was safely East - the enigmatic, antisocial, but diligent new addition to the Holloway House.

It was the times alone that were difficult to bear, as much as he breathed a sigh of relief hearing Jacob, Ice, Mac, and Tav leave for their day jobs while Alister attended some ‘skill building’ seminar Nathan drove them to. The house was locked, but he wasn’t considered a flight risk. He was safely alone and could finally breakdown and cry out all this stress -

“Oi, East - you in there? Telly’s fizzled out and I’m bored outta my mind.”

East couldn’t help the glower on his face as he cracked open his bedroom door. “Not my fucking problem.”

“Chill man, I’m just asking if you want to play cards. Nothing serious just some fun.”

Fun?

Tierney must have seen the flicker of confused hesitance in his eyes. The kid pouted, batting his eyes.

“Please? I’m gonna go nuts just sitting down there by myself.“

East glanced behind himself, pill bottle on his desk. He hadn’t taken any of the pain medication he had been prescribed - ‘as needed’ didn’t mean much to him. But if this kid was going to be a pain, what harm could one dose do?

“One game. Then you shut up, leave me alone, and let me take a nap.”

“Yes!” The former inmate was showing his age as he restrained a fist pump in the air, racing ahead of East’s limping gait to the top of the stairs. “Let’s do something simple - you know how to play War? Maybe Rummy…or Garbage - ah but that’s only 10 rounds it ends so fast…“

“Dealer’s choice.” East wasn’t going to admit he didn’t know how to play the games Tierney was talking about. Or any card games for that matter. (Did he? He remembered cards - the suits, the face cards - but not their utility.)

“Oh then we’re definitely playing War - we probably won’t finish before the others get back.” Tierney sat at the kitchen table, shuffling a deck and dealing two piles. East didn’t sit down until he saw where Tierney was putting his cards. But he settled into the chair, mirroring Tierney as they began to play.

The first few rounds were informative, each flipping over one card at a time, the higher value card ‘winning’ and letting the player add both to the bottom of their deck. East could see how this game could last all day, but at least it didn’t involved any of the loud table slapping and shouting he had heard during other card games.

“So, what’s your deal man?”

“Hm?” East turned over an 8 of spades. Tierney took it with his queen of clubs.

“Nate told us the basic y’know - new guy, skittish, not a fan of crowds, but - y’know - I’m curious. You’re an immigrant right?”

East felt a frown crease his face, even as his 7 of hearts took Tierney’s 2 of diamonds.

(“Pity about the accent. I guess there’s always room for improvement.”)

“What of it?”

Tierney opened his mouth and almost spoke, a pinch of annoyance fading from his face.

“Never mind. You’re a prickly motherfucker you know that?”

“Yessir.”

“Sir? I could get used to the sound of that - ”

“Don’t.” Despite the seriousness in East’s voice Tierney chuckled, either ignoring or - blessedly - missing the thread of desperation in his voice. East took Tierney’s king of spades with an ace of diamonds.

“I’m just jokin’ - but you do call Nate ‘sir’ all the time. It’s a bit…uh, unique.”

“Hm. A polite way of putting it.”

“You know it’s weird and you do it anyways?”

“Force of habit.”

“Oh.” Tierney hesitantly took East’s king of hearts with his ace of spades. “You serve?”

Probably.

“Yessir.”

“How’d a solider end up on assault and burglary charges?”

“Tough luck.” East lost a queen of hearts to Tierney’s king of clubs. “How’d a kid fresh outta school end up with felony drug trafficking charges?”

“Ah, you must not have heard.” Tierney smirked, taking a 3 of clubs with a 4 of hearts. “I’m an idiot.”

“Don’t seem it.”

“Nah, I was just a dumbass kid. Acting out for mum and da’s attention, y’know?” East shrugged. He didn’t. But Tierney carried on. “Got a bit of a reputation to live up to in my house.”

“Really?”

“You don’t know, do ya?” The Irishman laughed. They had both turned over a pair of aces. He began to layer three cards below, and East mirrored him exactly. He was more focused on the cards than the conversation. “How the hell do you spend five years in Blackwater and not know what the O’Hares have been up to?”

Panic flared in East’s chest, burning up his throat. But the pain medication in his blood made his thoughts syrupy - easy to put on a charade of calm, easy to let something slip.

“Kept my head down and mouth shut.” East didn’t like how hyper aware of his own tongue he suddenly was. (“Head back, mouth open. And for fuck’s sake relax, bitch.”) He needed the echo in his skull to shut up, to talk over it until it did. “What? Your father a mob boss or something?”

“Or something…” Tierney pouted when he turned over a 7 of clubs, losing to East’s king of hearts. “Damn, you’re one lucky son of a bitch.”

East swallowed a memory of iron and smoke on his tongue.

“Guess so.“ He stood, mind on getting a glass of water to wash away the phantom taste but his body sluggish, stumbling from the table.

“Hey, you good man?” There was the sound of a chair moving across the linoleum, a presence hovering closer, closer -

East caught Tierney’s hand before it reached his shoulder. He was mindful not to snatch the man’s fragile wrist with too much force, gently brushing it aside after a breath to steady himself.

“You talk too much.” He breathed through his mouth, if only to remind himself he could. East’s words were slow and clumsy on his tongue. “Headache. Mind if I close my eyes a few minutes? We can finish the game after, just - just need a minute.” There was a beat before Tierney hesitantly responded.

“Alright.” There was twinge of worry across the younger man’s freckled face. “Take the couch - no use heading back upstairs if ya want to finish the game.”

East nodded, pushing through the thickening fog around his thoughts. Couch. Lie down. Close his eyes. Just long enough to think clearly. Just long enough to feel rested and able to continue this charade of normalcy, this act -

But sleep was warm and dark and deep, and blessedly, dreamless.

[Before Nap]

(Part of my Freelancers: Changing Tides series)

Taglist: @stargeode @sacredwrath

#whump #recovery #pain medication #past trauma #headache #overwhelmed #recreational drug mention #prison mention #legal charges mention #implied past noncon #freelancers #this chapter is Messy but I’ve given myself a 3x rewrite limit. this ain’t a published novel if I’m editing more than writing out it goes

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