Hey Q! Sorry for bothering you, but for some reason I can no longer find any of your tik tok accounts 😭 Did they get deleted or something?
Hi this is Q! I’m coming out of the woodwork to address this, since I did went radio silent out of the blue so it’s not a bother at all
The short answer is Yes, I deleted my tiktok
Yes delete not deactivate, I’m not coming back to That app or IG or Twt, I deleted my socials except here and YouTube, I honestly felt so overwhelmed with everything, I realized I’m not even posting for myself anymore there. A lots of people crossed my boundaries time and time again I felt so helpless, bitter with myself. I guess I was just overwhelmed with the attention I got; both positive and negatives ones.
Im done and I want to start over so that’s why I’m here and on YouTube, I already posted some of these on my community tab on YT but here’s what I have in mind for the future of the content I want to create: more detail under the cut, and also;
CW: very brief mention of spiraling, harm inflict oneself or others, paranoia, etc
•Long-form content: my attention span is a bit messed up from consuming and making short-form content to the point where I can’t focus in university. I want to create something meaningful. It’s not that my previous content was not meaningful, no. I had fun and no time is wasted when I have fun, it was warm… but as I mentioned earlier, I just felt this lingering bitterness the longer I stayed making those short-form content. It really felt like I was on the verge of losing it. Especially with how the bigger following I have the less people think of me as a person than just another content creator you see on the internet,
I want to create long-form content, I’m so tired of forcing myself to generate 15 second content. On tiktok it just feels like I’m just creating and not really connecting. I want to try something new, maybe create an open space for meaningful discussion in the comments. I don’t think I can stand another copy-paste tiktok comment anymore. You know what I meant if you’re frequent on that app.
•Art Content with Commentary: and don’t worry this won’t be those petty artist drama issue, but I will still cover anything serious
it could be love letters or video essays ranging from fan fictions, fandom culture, the art scene and so much more. I may even share a bit of my personal life, this will be self indulgent after all! I want to make it fun for myself and as well to those who comes across my channel. I really REALLY want to create a genuine following.
On tiktok it’s so easy to gain following but not so easy to retain them, it’s mostly because of the algorithm and the FYP feature there.
On Tiktok most content that would get featured as an artist there would be creative work has to be either; more than exceptional which is pressuring enough already to consistent posters, straight up suggestive content shown to minors (tiktok doesn’t really have a blocked keywords feature but it’s so disheartening to see these creators intentionally not using the sensitive warning since it could limit their reach significantly) oh yes we can’t forget the negativity surrounding beginner artists or “art lore”
All of this cesspool of negativity, it’s a whole can of worms but it will be one of my prominent topics that I wish to discuss in my future art commentaries. I hope you guys are looking forward to those! I might bring in a few people or so to talk about it with me
and finally;
•Streaming: I used to do a lot of streams during the weekends on the clock app and it was super fun! I want to bring that back but that would have to wait since I’m unfamiliar with some features on YouTube, and I’m aware that YT does not have a discoverable feature for stream but that’s alright, I want to start something small first.
In short; I’ll figure it out! just need some baby steps before I start streaming again.
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I apologize for deleting everything out of the blue, if I’m gonna be honest it was partially planned because I’ve been thinking about deleting my tiktok, twitter and Instagram for a while now but how it happened? In my breakdown I realized that I don’t want anyone to see me spiral, especially now that I realized how young my audience are, I’m not sure how that happened but I guess posting fandom contents does attract the young ones somehow inevitably, even though my content is nowhere near as suggestive, but I do talk about serious topics from time to time… but I digress, its not fair for them to deal with me if they see me spiral publicly,
it is especially not fair to them to console me. When I was younger than 14, I’ve been in a position where I have to talk down someone who was older, maybe 4-5 years older than me, from harming themselves or anyone, it was traumatizing and unpleasant. I don’t wish for anyone to go through that, it’s very painful.
It’s been… hard for me to ground myself. Ive been seeing things through a kaleidoscope of emotions; I was trying to focus on everything but it’s just too overwhelming so eventually I cracked. But please don’t worry I’ve been doing better now, after some time away from my online persona, and of course spending time with my beloved girlfriend, I see things much more clearly now.
Thank you to anyone who read this and much so appreciate those who understand where I’m coming from
Also now that I think of it can my stuff be considered as lost media now? Amazing! But please don’t be sad the fun I had was genuine!
Thank you again to those who genuinely enjoyed my content on tiktok but it’s time for me to try my hand at something new, I will still be dwelling in my creative headspace just.. away from public for now,
if you’re looking forward for my future post, make sure to check out my YouTube! I still have a lot I need to cook hehe, this is one of the few!
More post soon, Bye bye! -Q
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Really in the mood for some (somewhat) soft headcanons, and this one’s been kickin around for a little:
Imagine a character who’s lost a little weight, whether it be because of godawful college eating habits, they’ve been stressed and unmotivated to eat, or just simply haven’t had access to a good meal for awhile.
Now imagine they meet up with a friend/loved one they haven’t seen in a bit and that person immediately hugs them, but upon doing so they notice right away how much smaller the hungry character feels in their arms. They’ve hugged this person so many times before, and they’re certain they shouldn’t be able to feel their spine.
The hugger lets go and immediately starts asking questions, “how have you been eating lately,” “when��s the last time you ate,” and as they do they continue to worriedly inspect their hungry loved one.
Much to their embarrassment, the hugger places a hand on the other’s tummy in the midst of their inspection, and as they do their stomach turns loose a terribly hungry growl. They finally admit they haven’t been eating as well as they would have liked, and the hugger wastes no time in beginning to put together a proper meal.
And obviously the hungry character is long overdue for some cuddles once they finish eating <3
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I have approximately 3 settings
Eat absolutely everything in the house, none of it healthy, just because me hungy and want delicious food
AAAAAAAAAA WHY DID I EAT THAT!!! WHY. DID. I. EAT. THAT. I am a disgusting foul creature that does not deserve food.
Eating nothing for a whole day to make up for it
Repeat cycle
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𝐌𝐔𝐒𝐄 𝐀𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐓𝐈𝐂 : 𝐅𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒.
bold what applies, italic what sometimes applies and strike what never applies.
HAPPINESS. being unable to stop smiling. laughter. bear hugs. happy tears. waving arms around. dancing. contently sighing. eyes twinkling. laugh lines. childlike playfulness. skipping. talking more. affection. cracking more jokes than usual. gesturing more when talking. higher pitched voice. squealing. jumping around. clapping.
SADNESS. tearing up. self-hugging. one-arm cross. an aching chest. scratchy throat. a runny nose. turning away. deep breaths. quivery smiles. crying. infantile sobbing. hands gripping each other or an object. covering mouth. puffy eyes. eyes appear red. running makeup. voice breaking. a distant or empty stare. monotone voice. asking for comfort. faking a smile. crumbling. shaking. whimpering. depression. abusing an unhealthy habit. withdrawing from others. big teary eyes. doing something even if it could hurt them.
ANGER. furrowed brows. baring teeth. passive-aggressive comments. avoiding eye contact. sarcasm. headache. sore muscles. hiding clenched fists. irritability. jumping to conclusions. raising voice. going silent. demanding immediate action. keeping it all in until exploding. body tensing. making risky decisions. middle finger.
FEAR. wanting to flee or hide. what-ifs. images of what-could-be flashing in mind. uncontrollable trembling. rapid breathing. screaming. a skewed sense of time. irritability. keeping silent. denying fear. turning away from the cause. pretending to be brave. nail-biting. lip-biting. scratching skin. a joking tone but a voice that cracks. fainting. insomnia. panic attacks. exhaustion. substance abuse. tics. rushing adrenaline. face draining of colour. hair lifting on the back of the neck. feeling rooted to the spot. making body as small as possible. staring but not seeing. crying. a shrill voice. whispering. gripping something or someone. stuttering. flinching at noises. pleading.
EXHAUSTION. constantly yawning. blurring words together. dark circles or lines under eyes. mood swings. hallucinations. calling people by the wrong name. dizziness. denying they’re tired. slow blinking. trouble concentrating. stumbling. leaning on a doorframe for support. sluggish movements. falling asleep someplace that isn’t a bed. becoming irritated by the smallest things. “i’m awake, i’m fine.” shaking so bad they spill their drink. fall asleep in their clothes. lay their head on the table because they’re so tired. passing out.
tagged. gotten 👌 stole it
tagging. @jellodoc / @devilagent and whoever else would like to
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I am feeling awful, I'm feeling sick and tired and stressed as hell from classes starting up again, my disability is only getting worse, everything hurts, my stomach and throat hurts because I made the mistake of trying a banana again (I'm allergic, I get anaphylaxis) because my dumbass wanted to know if they were still poisonous to me (they are), I'm so tired but I can't sleep, I've had a pounding headache since 11 this morning, I've realized that I only drank like a can of sparkling water every day for like the last week so I forced myself to drink four cups, the first two I gulped down, the last two I struggled to keep down because I've also not been eating right and my stomach was empty, I think my ED is coming back, I've been going to bed at two and waking up at six for the past week and a half, I should probably go back to a therapist again but it's expensive as fuck, my organs are screaming at me, my dysphoria about my chest has been making me feel like shit recently, I put on a binder and I still have very visible boobs, I can't bring myself to make anything but the most vent art ish art, whether it's my writing or my drawings or my songs, everything hurts everywhere.
All of my awful memories are creeping in again and I'm forgetting things more often, I'm not going to self harm again because I'm better than that and I'm a year and a half clean but I can still see all of my scars and that's upsetting to me because people bring them up and then I either have to tell them that I was abused as a child or that it was self inflicted because both are still visible, my bad grandparents who abused me could show up anytime and I would never know beforehand.
I really just want to feel better in the morning
I'm going to go to sleep and hope that I don't throw up and choke on it in my sleep.
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