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#maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our
v-arbellanaris · 1 year
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i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or
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#sorry im not here but im thinkin abt fic things and im really just! having some Emotions about things#idk? i see a lot of aspects of myself in villains. whoever you consider a villain. and i think there's a tendency in fandom#that I've noticed for like... years. where when these issues are portrayed in Good People it's always framed in an acceptable way#if they're angry it's never in a way that really hurts anyone - or everyone Just Knows they're going through shit#if they're depressed it's always the sad pathetic kind that makes people want to coddle you and not the kind that made me isolate and#unpleasant to be around#the urge/inclination towards violence to people who did wrong to me is a villainous act#trauma only ever affects Villains in a bad way. and their trauma MAKES them Bad and Evil people who should only ever just die to fix all#the damage they did to people. and idk man! don't you think that's kind of fucked up? don't you think that it's so fucked up to see yoursel#and the ugliness of your trauma and how it impacts you only ever represented by villains. and then the solution is ''they should just die''#and in the rare moments those villains DO get redemption arcs or a second chance or whatever there's a large n frankly horrific portion#of fandom going i want this person dead or (other violent gruesome violating thing) because they're awful and horrible and their very#existence is unforgivable. i think they should die#and it's like i get it. i also get tired of having to see this message constantly blasted into my brain 24/7?#''why do you ship x with x--'' god i dont fucking know#maybe i want to believe we can get better. that people can change.#maybe i want to believe there's no end point where i have to weigh up the damage ive done to people vs the benefits ive brought and decide#i should die. maybe i want to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good and have the capacity for good!!#that we can do better if only someone believed we could!!#maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our#worst & most unlovable. maybe i want to believe we can still BE loved after all that! idk leave me alone!!#tbd#i added the image bc its how im feelin rn
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foone · 1 year
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Look if there's one thing, just one thing, that I wish everyone understood about archiving, it's this:
We can always decide later that we don't need something we archived.
Like, if we archive a website that's full of THE WORST STUFF, like it turns out it's borderline illegal bot-made spam art, we can delete it. Gone.
We can also chose not to curate. You can make a list of the 100 Best Fanfic and just quietly not link to or mention the 20,000 RPFs of bigoted youtubers eating each other. No problem!
We can also make things not publicly available. This happens surprisingly often: like, sometimes there'll be a YouTube channel of alt-right bigotry that gets taken down by YouTube, but someone gives a copy to the internet archive, and they don't make it publicly available. Because it might be useful for researchers, and eventually historians, it's kept. But putting it online for everyone to see? That's just be propaganda for their bigotry. So it's hidden, for now. You can ask to see it, but you need a reason.
And we can say all these things, we can chose to delete it later, we can not curate it, we can hide it from public view... But we only have these options BECAUSE we archived it.
If we didn't archive it, we have no options. It is gone. I'm focusing on the negative here, but think about the positive side:
What if it turns out something we thought was junk turns out to be amazing new art?
What if something we thought of as pointless and not worth curating turns out to be influential?
What if something turns out to be of vital historical importance, the key that is used to solve a great mystery, the Rosetta stone for an era?
All of those things are great... If we archived it when we could.
Because this is an asymmetric problem:
If we archived it and it turns out it's not useful, we can delete.
If we didn't archive it and it turns out it is useful, OOPS!
You can't unlose something that's been lost. It's gone. This is a one way trip, it's already fallen off the cliff. Your only hope is that you're wrong about it being lost, and there is actually still a copy somewhere. If it's truly lost, your only option is to build a time machine.
And this has happened! There are things lost, so many of them that we know of, and many more we don't know of. There are BOOKS OF THE BIBLE referenced in the canon that simply do not exist anymore. Like, Paul says to go read his letter to the Laodiceans, and what did that letter say? We don't know. It's gone.
The most celebrated playwright in the English tradition has plays that are just gone. You want to perform or watch Love's Labours Won? TOO FUCKING BAD.
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Want to watch Lon Cheyney's London After Midnight, a mystery-horror silent film from 1927? TOO BAD. The MGM vault burnt down in 1965 and the last known copy went up in smoke.
If something still exists, if it still is kept somewhere, there is always an opportunity to decide if it's worthy of being remembered. It can still be recognized for its merits, for its impact, for its importance, or just what it says about the time and culture and people who made it, and what they believed and thought and did. It can still be a useful part of history, even if we decide it's a horrible thing, a bigoted mess, a terrible piece of art. We have the opportunity to do all that.
If it's lost... We are out of options. All we can do is research it from how it affected other things. There's a lot of great books and plays and films and shows that we only know of because other contemporary sources talked about them so much. We're trying to figure out what it was and what it did, from tracing the shadow it cast on the rest of culture.
This is why archivists get anxious whenever people say "this thing is bad and should not be preserved". Because, yeah, maybe they're right. Maybe we'll look back and decide "yeah, that is worthless and we shouldn't waste the hard drive or warehouse space on it".
But if they're wrong, and we listen to them, and don't archive... We don't get a second chance at this. And archivists have been bitten too many times by talk of "we don't need copies, the original studio has the masters!" (it burnt down), or "this isn't worth preserving, it's just some damn silly fad" (the fad turned out to be the first steps of a cultural revolution), or "this media is degenerate/illegal/immoral" (it turns out those saying that were bigots and history doesn't agree with their assessment).
So we archive what we can. We can always decide later if it doesn't need preserving. And being a responsible archivist often means preserving things but not making them publicly available, or being selective in what you archive (I back up a lot of old computer hard drives. Often they have personal photos and emails and banking information! That doesn't get saved).
But it's not really a good idea to be making quality or moral judgements of what you archive. Because maybe you're right, maybe a decade or two later you'll decide this didn't need to be saved. And you'll have the freedom to make that choice. But if you didn't archive it, and decide a decade later you were wrong... It's just gone now. You failed.
Because at the end of the day I'd rather look at an archive and see it includes 10,000 things I think are worthless trash, than look at an archive of on the "best things" and know that there are some things that simply cannot be included. Maybe they were better, but can't be considered as one of the best... Because they're just gone. No one has read them, no one has been able to read them.
We have a long history of losing things. The least we can do going forward is to try and avoid losing more. And leave it up to history to decide if what we saved was worth it.
My dream is for a future where critics can look at stuff made in the present and go "all of this was shit. Useless, badly made, bigoted, horrible. Don't waste your time on it!"
Because that's infinitely better than the future where all they can do is go "we don't know of this was any good... It was probably important? We just don't know. It's gone. And it's never coming back"
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nanamiluvs · 3 months
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Heyy my love,
I love a lil bit jealous nanami hehe,
Do you write for toji too?
If you do could you maybe do smth where reader and toji are trying to concieve and hes the softest ever
I never get soft toji lately 😭
hehe definitely! also toji would be the softest husband ever like?? i will make this man my wife. ( i also didn't know if you wanted sfw or nsfw so i did a little bit of both! )
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as his wife !
pairing : toji x reader
rating : sfw and mature parts separated
wc : 650
sypnosis : husband!toji & reader trying for a baby ♡
warnings : afab reader but no pronouns used, mentions of reader as a mother, mentions of pregnancy, pregnant!reader, reading being called "woman" and "wife" by toji, toji and reader are married; for the mature stuff : breeding, p in v, unprotected sex, soft dom toji
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husband!toji who cannot believe he heard things right when you said you wanted to have a baby with him.
husband!toji who couldn't hide the smile forming on his lips. do you really? with someone like him?
husband!toji who simply thinks he's not worthy of that.
husband!toji who has wanted to have kids with you for so long, yet never mentioned the idea since he was worried that you wouldn't feel the same way. he's fighting to hide a grin.
husband!toji who would pepper your face in kisses, telling you how beautiful his wife would look, belly full with his child.
husband!toji who would be terrible with parenting courses and books. he's really trying, he wants to be a husband and a father to you and your children, but he's a little dense at the moment. don't discourage him though! he's trying and he won't give up even if sometimes he just wants to toss the overcomplicated book to the wall.
husband!toji who will practically be your slave during the whole thing. even when you're only trying for a baby, he treats you like a queen. you're his wife and soon-to-be mother of his kids, is it even possible for him to not adore you? he may try and appear tough, but toji is a man who would worship the ground you walk on.
husband!toji who chats with the baby inside your tummy all the time. "hey, you brat." you're laying on the couch and he's kneeling on the ground, talking as if the child can hear him. "get out of there already. we're gonna have a problem if ya keep troubling my wife."
husband!toji who is sometimes too shy to ask to feel the baby's kicks or listen to it. he's trying not to make it too obvious but he can't hide the smile on his scarred lips when you tell him he can touch.
husband!toji who is, deep down, more panicked than you when you go into labor. everything he had learned is suddenly out the window, he doesn't know what to do now that the moment has come. he's trying to appear normal but he's brimming with anxiety waiting for you in the hospital.
smut content below !
husband!toji who would whisper in your ear how good you will look as he pushes himself inside you inch by inch. he's kissing your neck, hands caressing your curves as gently as if you were to break. he's not his usual self, he's so careful it's sickeningly sweet.
husband!toji who will deny that he's going softer on you. "hah. i'm just feeling nice today, woman." yet the way he looks into your eyes as his sensual pace keeps up, you know that's not the case.
husband!toji who suddenly gets on the giving side completely, not giving you a chance to pleasure him like usual. he wants you to do as less work as possible, you're ready to handle so much more for you and him, so what's this in comparison to that?
husband!toji who would thrust inside you with the image of your family in his mind. what did he do to deserve this? how could someone like you be with someone like him? he tries to shut these thoughts up when he feels a strange, prickling sensation burning his eyes. if you noticed it, you didn't.
husband!toji who would give it his all to get you full and brimming with his seed. he's not pulling out, resting inside of you as he hugs you from behind and presses a kiss on your shoulder.
husband!toji who definitely won't give up after one round. he has to make sure he's successful, that you're carrying his child- his usual prominent stamina doubling to your horror. (or pleasure, more like it.)
husband!toji who would fall asleep with you in his arms, pulling you impossibly close to his chest and not letting you go.
husband!toji who loves you enough to soften a man like him. but how could he not?
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reqs are open!
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the bafta livestream out of context: top 60 cursed quotes.
There is nothing more cursed than the livestream I just witnessed, and I made a summary post but now I'm just going to put in quotes by the worthy maggots in the stream with no context, because BELIEVE ME THE CONTEXT DIDN'T MAKE ANYTHING BETTER. The livestream chat was NOT A PLACE OF THE LORD.
I'm going to make the quotes that were by me a different colour. Please know that I am NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR A SINGLE QUOTE OTHER THAN THOSE. SO HERE'S THE TOP 60 IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER:
Barbenhimer awakened things in me ok
aroace people the most disturbingly sexual talkers on the planet fight me on this
WHO JUST GASPED
MICHAEL SHEENS BABY TALKING BARK BADK IM A DOG BARK WOOF
I feel so sorry for this woman. She's being so heartfelt and we're here thristing over a slinky that possessed a man
IRELAAAND PLEASE ADOPT ME AS YOUR OWN PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE LAND OF UNPRONOUNCABLE WORDS, GREEN FEILD, CATHOLISISM AND HOZIER PLEASE
the urge to go to france and misgender a croissant is real
Devastated the slutty knees have gone away
So many men nowadays are so submissive and breedable like thank you lord for these men thank you
witches and murder slime tutorial
speaking of royals did the bloke who ISN'T lizzy's husband but her son apparently die yet
Turtleneck Crowley is my gender.
WE COULD HAVE LEFT IT AS NOT SAFE FOR WORK WHY THE DRTAOLS ASMI
SAY AN BFUIL CEAD AGAM DUL GO DTÍ AN LEITHREAS AN WE'LL LET YOU THROUGJ
"Oompa loompa doopety dee, I really hated being in this movie" -Hugh grant probably
IF YOU'RE A CHILD AVERT YOUR EYES FROM THAT MESSAGE IM SORRY
i want the kilt back this a betrayal
if someone put me in a room with kilt!david tennant one of us is walking out of that room pregnant and its not gonna be me
a lot of these words are in the bible and none of them should be in that order you need jesus
Can we vote to make david wear that kilt back? Maybe make him do a twirl this time
You mean Bildaddy? 😏
Honey what make you think a dude who roamed around with prostitutes and got himself more holes for mankind won't be calling bildad bildaddy? [this was about jesus btw.]
FREE THE KNEE
Show us the knees!
AND YOU'RE COMING AFTER ME FOR MY BLOWJOB BANANA
He looks like those fancy chocolates. Imma take a bite outta him. Think you'll leak molten goo like them?
My brain isn't working, I read "bratty couch jr"
i'm sorry the what holes
FIND ME ON GOAD AND I WILL MAKE YOU PAY APPROPRIATELY
I genuinely thought it was a road typo and I thought you were threatening asmi with physical violence on the road
OHH FLOWER OF SCOTLAAAAAAND
Combine that with the unfortunate oranges and see what happens.
DEVASTATING NEWS I ATE UP ALL OF THEM SO I'VE BROUGHT A BLOWJOB BANANA INSTEAD
That reminded me of the army video where the guy was deepthroating a 7 inch banana without a hitch.
OMG THEY JUST FLASHED BACK & I GOT A GLIMPSE OF THAT KILT 🥵🥵🥵
thats why apollo had to deliver you at an illegal sushi restaurant
How long do you think it would take to get david naked from his chocolate man suit? Can we set a new speedrun category?
SUPERBOWL FOR TENNANTISTS
Big feelings about pants straps in the chat tonight
Last time i check yoire supposed to thank the lord gor his gifts
HEY GUYS ASMI'S FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE CONFIRMED
I just have a deep appreciation for ireland
Can you use suspenders as bondage gear? I mean it looks like it would be fine? I mean if you make the length a bit more they might be more comfortable than ropes. Just sayin
All i can think when i see him in the costume is the one specific ken and oppenhimer slash fic. Lord help me i can't be saved
GIVE MY LOVE TO THE LEPRECHAAAAAAAAAAAUNSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Like a giant orange slice on her one arm.
Stop hitting the lectern geez / what if its into that?
Men who wear suspenders are such losers like why do you need so much cloth to keep your pants up. Why dont you just wear a belt. Where do you live. What is your timezone. What are you office hours
what is this suspender shaming ari chappal for you
Aziraphales office hours are: fuck off
Put me ina room with a suspender wearing man and he shall have the same fate as kilttennant
MARIYADAM E ILLAI
It was titled "snake in my b***" It meant butt lmfao
CROWLEY AND LOKI MY GENDERFLUID ICONS
THE KNEES ARE BACK
THEKNEES GOD SAVE ME FROM THESE SINFUL THOUGHTS
What if slutshaming is my kink?
NOT THE BLOWJOB FACE NO
AT THIS POINT IF NEIL HASN'T UNFOLLOWED ME YET HE'S ASKING TO BE MENTALLY SCARRED IM SORRY
I am failing
Tagging the main culprits whose tumblr handles I know:
@thearoacemess @vitrilol @queermarzipan @good-usernames-were-taken
Cheers, maggots.
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neptunes-sol-angel · 5 months
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Alright guys! I finally got that tingly feeling that I should do this kind of love reading. I still didn't want to make this a future spouse reading because I honestly overthink the concept, like "um divorces happen!" or some people just don't believe in marriage, but I thought I'd do something adorable and Christmas related. I hope that you guys enjoy!
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Pile One🎄
Their letter to Santa
Dear Santa, For so long I've been in the darkness, alone with the glass pieces of my heart, thinking that it's better this way for me to be on own. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore and my ability to imagine a world where I can be in love with someone and in that same way be loved back. My mind is splintered to where I flinch the minute someone to me gets close or when they mention a promise, that I without a doubt know they won't keep. Socially, I feel numb, meeting allegedly new people, seems to be a broken record in different physiques. If you could grant me any present in the world, would you change my definition of what I know to be love? Falling away from the stranger(s) that used to be who I knew from head to toe, has damaged my beliefs that I'm worthy of something more. And should you succeed in bringing my love, may they be my most divine contradiction in my life. My love will be someone new, yet possess familiarty in which I'll take pleasure in spending the rest of my lifetime finding all of the ways that we just understand each other. The sound of their voice and the words that they speak will be the fire that warms instead of scorching me. They'll be my rock that I won't have to tip toe around. Right now, I ask for their forgiveness for the person that I am right now, but for every tear that I currently shed to release the pain of my troubles in romance, builds my strength to be the person that really loves again, and the confidence to give my all despite my mistakes in giving it to the wrong people. Don't let my reserved aura fool you, deep down, I'm a hopeless romantic, that will work hard to find any and every single way to give you the world to prove the depth of my feelings for you. The same way that I'm learning my lessons, you are too, we both share that agony of why this has to hurt so much, but it's the bitter that goes along with the sweet to lead us to each other in the end.
Your Christmas Traditions:
Life with your partner could already be luxurious, meaning they gift you with presents on a regular basis that are both as an expression of love and desire to get the things that you want, so Christmas, traditionally, will feel like a normal day. What makes it stand out to you guys as a couple is how you guys seem to always unlock a new level of intimacy around this time of the year. For you or them, Christmas could make some not so good feelings resurface and put someone in a mood. Whatever that may trigger this, it usually leads to a peaceful resolution that doesn't just prolong the tension for another day. It's like getting to the root of the issue that'll eventually lead you and your partner to a place of comfort, understanding, and confirmation that this relationship isn't based on surface level things.
Pile Two 🎄
Their Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa, There's this ethereal figure in my dreams that I keep seeing. Without a doubt, I know that this is my person. And maybe it's not realistic to ask for you to make the time go faster for us to encounter each other in real life, but I really want answers, I'm craving to know this person. Their face alone, is enough to put me into hypnosis. Not knowing what their voice sounds like, ignites my obsession. I've never been a believer of the supernatural, or even a big fan of religion, but this sensation of the person of my dreams that makes me desire to stay asleep, has to be an indication that we're spiritually connected. I know this person doesn't say a word in both their presence of visions in day and night, but I have this clawing feeling that you're what home feels like. To the lover of my fantasies, I  know you spiritually, but emotionally, with you, I'll finally have someone that doesn't think my expression of feeling is a foreign language. I could talk to you for hours without getting bored and your nature in every capacity makes me feel that you're out of this world with a love that I'm determined to study and reciprocate. I'm already amazed by how gorgeous you are but indubitably I know I'll be stunned everytime I'm by your side watching you prove to me that magic on Earth is real. You're the breathing proof of it and I can't help but be adored by you and the way that you perceive making the most out of the challenges that you face and conquer.
Your Christmas Traditions:
You and your life partner BREATHE for Christmas. Valentine's day may be special but Christmas is the time that you guys will be all over each other. You guys could go all out this holiday, by buying and wearing matching pajamas, playing board games with each other, watching marathons of Christmas themed movies, maybe you guys have a specific drink like hot chocolate, egg nog, or cookies that you love to stock up on. You guys could also be the type to take a vacation around this time by renting out a cabin, or taking a trip to Disney World. This is normal for you guys and you aren't aware of this jubilant vibe that you have together but it makes others wanting to share the joy you have. Your public presence as a couple during Christmas is the type that will make a person want to use you guys as their mood board or inspiration to daydream about the love that that they'd kill to have. You guys are the power couple in terms of playfulness, affection, and how unique you guys embody your partnership. You could also experience people asking you for advice for how to liven up their own relationships. You guys are just that cute with each other.
Pile Three 🎄
Their Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa, I have a good feeling that the person that I will view as my everything is currently contemplating if there's something that they should change about themselves, but do me this favor homie and give my sweet firecracker this message. You. Yeah you. You know who you are. You are a boss! Walking royalty in this world that's meant to take up space, of course there are gonna be some jerks that want to dim your light, but the people who can't handle how bona-fide and wealthy your aura is, are people who are uncomfortable with the fact that they don't possess the tools to handle the blessing that you are. You were never asking for too much and don't let the grinch or scrooge convince you that you aren't enough. Believe me, I wish that fate would allow me to show up in your life right now, but you're meant to learn how precious your attributes you are. You're a damsel that can save yourself, who is meant to climb into power and achieve many things. I'm currently healing my tendencies of being codependent so that I don't distract you from your prosperity or project my insecurities onto you and make you think that it's you, it's not. Be patient, but don't get rid of how bold you are love or choose sides in how you're capable of being silly and someone with authority. Your strength isn't in your silence, but in your intelligence and maturity to express to others your feelings and what your needs are. You'll always be on top, even on days where you feel like you're at rock bottom. Keep pushing, things will make sense soon. You won't just find me in your happily ever after, you'll find your soul tribe too. And we will ALL match your energy. Trust me. Everything that you think is complicated about you is why we're grateful for you.
Your Christmas Traditions:
You and your life partner share a common tragedy and belief. You guys may have experienced toxicity in your family that inspires the both of you to do things differently with your own family. Christmas time is pivotal for you as a couple, because it influences you to reflect but also to take action on how well you guys do as a household. Your Christmas Traditions could be about trying your best to make sure that there's peace, openess, but most importantly your presence if guys have children together. You could go all out with making sure that they have the best presents, that they have the best indication that they're safe with you guys as parents, and that you make the most pleasant and fun memories that will symbolize how much that not just you and your life partner love each other but making sure that your children know how much they're loved by you.
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itgetzweird08 · 3 months
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Stuck.
Katsuki Bakugo x Gender Neutral!Reader Angst Hcs
A fic based on July by Noah Cyrus (I am so NOT sorry for this :)
Warnings: Nothing major, just mentions of drinking, implied cheating, and heavy language. Also general angst
A/N: I know a lot of y'all want the next part of Endevour's Secret Daughter and The Spark That Lit His Fuse. I'm working on it I swear, just got a little writer's block. But I promise I'll get it done soon! For now, enjoy this sob fest :))
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I've been holding my breath
I've been counting to ten
Over something you said 
The stress of growing as a hero was heavy, of course, you knew, but recently Bakugo seemed to be taking it out on you. When there was a bad mission, he would come home with a hard slam of the door, sparing you nothing but a hard glare. He would push you off and away when you would offer comfort, and when you tried to suggest he take a breath, he raised his voice to you.
“Can you get fuckin lost? Hell, I wish you would stop being so fucking annoying!”
I've been holding back tears
While you're throwing back beers
I'm alone in bed
This wasn’t a once-off either, as now it seemed like he would snap every time you would look at him. You felt like you had to hold your breath every time you were around him. But now, it seemed like everything was only getting worse. At least for a while, he would still come home, but now there were nights where you laid in the cold bed alone for hours until he would come back smelling like sweat and beer... and perfume.
You know I, I'm afraid of change
Guess that's why we stay the same
You knew you could leave, you knew you should. But fuck- something in you just couldn’t handle the thought of losing him. You had been together for so long, you liked the consistency of your relationship. And you didn’t want to feel as if you were giving up. You never gave up. To you, this was all just a hard challenge that you would overcome eventually. This hard roadblock would pass…wouldn’t it?
So tell me to leave
I'll pack my bags, get on the road
If he told you to leave, you would. But you wouldn’t be able to just give up on your own, not while you still felt some semblance of hope that your relationship could survive this.
Find someone that loves you
Better than I do, darling, I know
You wouldn’t be mad if he did decide to leave. Maybe he was right, maybe you weren’t cut out to be the partner of the number two hero. You were quirkless, and went to school for art. You knew nothing about having a special ability or hero work for that matter. Maybe he needed someone who did understand. 
'Cause you remind me every day
I'm not enough, but I still stay 
“What the hell do you know? You’re quirkless, you’re nothing. You’ll never be able to understand what I’m going through.”
Feels like a lifetime
Just trying to get by while we're dying inside
Six months…you’ve been stuck like this with Bakugo for six months. Nothing has gotten better. The small spark of hope you had for the relationship was slowly fizzling out. Now every bit of this relationship felt like torture. And yet you didn’t go anywhere.
I've done a lot of things wrong
Loving you being one
But I can't move on
You knew there were probably plenty of people in this world for you. But none of them were Katsuki. Maybe falling for him was a mistake. Everyone had warned you whenever news got out that you were dating him. Even his own friends, while teasing, dropped subtle hints.
‘I’m surprised anyone could stand him’
‘I can’t believe he found someone he’s considered worthy’
‘Thanks for putting up with him, I know he can be..a lot’ 
No matter what they said, you didn’t listen. You could never regret loving Katsuki.
So tell me to leave
I'll pack my bags, get on the road
“You’re too much of a distraction. You’re only holding me back.”
“What are you saying, Kats?”
“...I’m done, Y/N. I need to focus on being number one, not on being your boyfriend.”
Find someone that loves you
Better than I do, darling, I know
‘Dynamite and Uravity, Japan’s new IT Couple’
'Cause you remind me every day
I'm not enough, but I still stay
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asharaxofstarfall · 6 months
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do you think jonsa will happen in the books?
maybe. game of thrones and house of the dragon potray incest in a far more romantic light than the books do. we're not supposed to think that the targaryens practices are normal or acceptable, and it's clear that their inbreeding is a large part of why they are the way that they are. that being said, cousin incest is a normal thing in westeros and cousin marriages are shown positively a few times, examples being: joanna and tywin lannister, viserys i targaryen and aemma arryn and lyrra and rickard stark. jon and sansa's case is interesting. they were raised as daughter of a highborn lord and a highborn lords bastard, as siblings. they don't have a close bond, despite caring for each other. sansa also isn't close to arya but in a vastly different way. they're still trueborn while jon is a bastard and therfore doesn't have the same relationship with sansa. they parallel each other in ways that could hint at their endgame as a couple, both believing that no one will marry them for love because of their claims, or in jon's case, lack thereof.
here are some jonsa parallels
She pictured the two of them sitting together in a garden with puppies in their laps, or listening to a singer strum upon a lute while they floated down the Mander on a pleasure barge. “If I give him Sons, he may come to love me. She would name them Eddard and Brandon and Rickon, and raise them all to be as Valiant as Ser Loras. And to hate Lannisters, too. In Sansa’s dreams, her children looked just like the brothers she had lost. Sometimes there was even a girl who looked like Arya
sansa/ a storm of swords
“I would need to steal her if I wanted her love, but she might give me children. I might someday hold a son of my own blood in my arms. A son was something Jon Snow had never dared dream of, since he decide to live his life on the wall. I could name him Robb
jon/ a storm of swords
sansa talks of falling deeply in love with ser waymar royce, and then dismissing her feelings for him as dreams of a “silly little girl”.
Ser Waymar Royce was the youngest son of an ancient house with too many heirs. He was a handsome youth of eighteen, grey-eyed and graceful and slender as a knife. Mounted on his huge black destrier, the knight towered above Will and Gared on their smaller garrons. He wore black leather boots, black woolen pants, black moleskin gloves, and a fine supple coat of gleaming black ringmail over layers of black wool and boiled leather
sansa/ a storm of swords
wyman's description matches jon's
Jon’s eyes were a grey so dark they seemed almost black, but there was little they did not see. He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast.
jon/ a storm of swords
sansa thinks of both robb and jon here
She shouted for Ser Dontos, for her brothers, for her dead father and her dead wolf, for gallant Ser Loras who had given her a red rose once, but none of them came. She called for the heroes from the songs, for Florian and Ser Ryam Redwyne and Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, but no one heard.
jon plays as both aemon the dragonknight and ser ryam redwyne when training with robb
They were not little boys when they fought, but knights and mighty heroes. “I’m Prince Aemon the Dragonknight,” Jon would call out, and Robb would shout back, “Well, I’m Florian the Fool.” Or Robb would say, “I’m the Young Dragon,” and Jon would reply, “I’m Ser Ryam Redwyne
even ned unknowingly hints at a relationship between the two
Sweet one,” her father said gently, “listen to me. When you’re old enough, I will make you a match with a high lord who’s worthy of you, someone brave and gentle and strong. This match with Joffrey was a terrible mistake. That boy is no Prince Aemon, you must believe me.”
sansa/ a game of thrones
their story also links to jonnel “one eye” stark and his first wife, who happens to be named sansa.
more jonsa parallels
Now as it happened the winter roses had only then come into bloom, and no flower is so rare nor precious. So the Stark sent to his glass gardens and commanded that the most beautiful o’ the winter roses be plucked for the singer’s payment. And so it was done. But when morning come, the singer had vanished … and so had Lord Brandon’s maiden daughter. Her bed they found empty, but for the pale blue rose that Bael had left on the pillow where her head had lain
“North or south, singers always find a ready welcome, so Bael ate at Lord Stark’s own table, and played for the lord in his high seat until half the night was gone. The old songs he played, and new ones he’d made himself, and he played and sang so well that when he was done, the lord offered to let him name his own reward. ‘All I ask is a flower,’ Bael answered, ’the fairest flower that blooms in the gardens o’ Winterfell
jon/ a storm of swords
sansa's story of a northern beauty stolen away to the south is similar to that of her late aunt lyanna, who happened to love winter roses. sansa also loves songs and one of her fondest childhood memories is of a singer coming to winterfell. she describes crying and begging her father to let him stay because she loved him so much. lyanna sobs when listening to rhaegar play the harp at a feast in harrenhal
i think that jonsa could happen in the books, 100%.
both are characters that suffer greatly as children and long for a home that's been destroyed. jon and sansa marrying and rebuilding winterfell would work perfectly with grrm's themes about optimism and spring after a long winter.
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fox-steward · 3 months
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oh by the way i bet you’re so scared of trans women that pass as cis. oh NO i thought that woman was hot but it turns out she has a PENIS!! nobody can blur the lines of gender because what if i get a crush on someone i shouldn’t ): because attraction can’t be fluid or blur the lines of gender at all D:
nobody’s asking you to date people with dicks if you don’t want to jfc just stop invalidating lesbians who do date trans women. stop invalidating lesbians who are trans women. keep trans people out of your fucking mouth for a second. reevaluate your beliefs for a second maybe.
is sex really that important? are people’s genitals at birth really that important? are intersex people irrelevant because they’re only 1% of the population (79 million people)? you say you believe trans women are female but then you say lesbians don’t date trans women. are they female lite to you? Can you define who lesbians can date in a way that excludes all trans people and includes all cis women?
i've seen feminine men and thought, "wow she's hot," only to realize i'm looking at a cute gay guy. attraction disappears. i thought that person was a woman, was attracted to who i thought was a woman, and upon finding out i was wrong, the attraction fades. i am not afraid of this. this is not a scary thing, it is simply a real thing.
no one is asking me personally to date people with dicks, they're just asking me to share lesbian-only spaces with them where they can walk up and hit on me when the point of lesbian spaces is that i'm free from that imposition, and if i want to decline i have to pretend it's for some other reason, not because they're men; they're asking me to pretend we're the same and we just aren't. no one is saying transwomen aren't people worthy of spaces of their own, people who love and are attracted to them, we're just saying they're not entitled to OUR spaces or OUR love and attraction and we shouldn't have to play pretend that they are.
you tell on yourself with the word "invalidate," because real things are not destroyed by invalidation. you know what happens when someone doesn't know, doesn't realize, or doesn't believe i'm a lesbian? absolutely nothing. i remain a woman attracted only to women. invalidation only affects imposters. if invalidation is affecting transwomen who are pretending to be lesbians it is because deep down they know they just aren't; they're atypical heterosexual (or bisexual) men, but there is no fathomable universe where any man, even one with a special attachment to his concept of womanhood, is a lesbian.
god, YES sex is important. it is one of the main organizing factors of the world and it is especially important to women. don't trot out intersex people when it's convenient for you to make a shitty point (and to do so poorly, btw). intersex people are male or female and their conditions cause actual health impacts in their lives, they are not your convenient puppets and the vast, vast majority of trans people are not intersex so knock it the fuck off.
i have NEVER said i believe transwomen are female. trans women are necessarily male, unless you think it's possible or okay for a "cis" woman to "identify" as a transwoman? lesbians are females who love and are attracted exclusively to other females. it's very easy.
congratulations on figuring out your bisexuality.
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psychelis-new · 11 months
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pick a pile: "Message from your inner child"
take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to read a message from your inner child probably on how to reconnect with them and work with them. reminder that we're plenty of layers and there are also different children's ages inside of us (and teens too, if you're older), so you may need to reconnect with a specific inner child at this moment.
don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.
(photos found on unsplash)
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pile 1
Your inner child seems to love winter -I heard "best season!"- (maybe you were born in winter too), snow/ice (making snow angels or playing with snow), and Christmas (if applies). You probably loved receiving gifts (it made you feel special) or you not always had what you wanted. Your inner child needs you to comfort them and remind them that they are worthy of anything they want and that they can receive it too. Help them believe in Santa again, or be their Santa ("work" -mostly inner work- so to bring them the stability/safety/self worth they lack so much after having being told many no's). Your inner child is cute and funny but only with people they like. They probably are a bit closed off with other people and children and rather play/stay alone. They are an observer, probably don't talk too much but know and understands a lot. So very sensitive and caring. Probably loved to listen to blues and jazz with someone from your family, or any other type of music (music relaxed/s them).
Someone here (or on pile 3 maybe, but prolly just a few from there) doesn't want to do something they're supposed to do and keep procrastinating/postponing the task ("adulthood... meh"). It's probably cause you feel worn out for some reason, maybe you kept going for so much without giving yourself a break and now your tiredness is hitting you all of a sudden. Or maybe you somewhat "fear" doing that will comport you having to take some type of action/decision (and leaving this current "stagnant" but safe situation) and probably you don't want it, especially unconsciously. It's okay, it happens, do not fight that feeling. Listen to yourself, to your inner child -they probably want to help you understand why it happens-.
Your inner child wants you to take a break, just enjoy a nice walk outside or do anything you feel like, even just taking a nap. They want you to hug them and cherish them, and to give yourself accolades cause of all the work you have done until today. They are better with actions than words, they're so cute. Please take care of them, stay around them and play with them a bit when you can. They need your presence, even if it feels like they are used to be alone. They don't have to (and not even you). Hugs to both.
song: love me | jerry butler
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pile 2
Your inner child is very pretty and elegant (i am seeing them dressed up for a picture, maybe it's picture day at school or a family pic for grandparents). For some of you, they may have been a bit spoiled but at the same time, they may have been idealized a lot as THE child: the one who had to be "perfect", with "perfect" grades, clothes, behaviour... This child is just very sweet but got very pressured into being more than a child. They had to be what they didn't want to be, despite they didn't know what they wanted, except for making others happy and being praised. It may have made them a bit naive or egoistical on occasion, but they never act this way consciously, with bad intentions. They're (you're) just hurt, but don't know how or why cause they didn't do anything wrong. They obeyed the rules. This child has idolized their parents/caregivers too (which is normal for many kids, to see their parents as superheroes and to want to follow them/obey without asking why).
Your inner child needs some support from a different type of adult. A more permissive and a less pretending one. An adult that understands that we all make mistakes, no matter if we are children or adults. And it's fine to make them. They need to remove that little bow tie or the hairgrips/barrette and just go splash in the mud. To cover their clothes in mud, to let things be. They need you to be that type of adult, to teach them how to be their real imperfect self, cause nobody is perfect (perfection is also very subjective). To take them around on a bike and laugh with them if they stick their tongue out to passers-by. No reason, just because. They need you to ruffle their hair and laugh with them at how funny/crazy they look. They need support into being just a child, not a copy of an adult. They need you to ask them about their opinions and to help them form some others, cause they always relied on others' ones and it doesn't have to be so forever. They need to think and see with their own mind, heart and eyes. And they want you to do this for them too. They want to listen to your own opinions and ideas, they want you to stand out and to be yourself. To be unafraid of others' thoughts and reactions about you. To not care if you are not who others want you to be but to know that you're happy to be who you are also thanks to them and all they did and learned in the process.
Still, remember to pump them up on occasion, I feel they still need to feel nice words and compliments here and there. No matter what they do ofc. Just get on your knees and imagine to look at the in the eyes, and compliment them.
song: love your voice | jony
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pile 3
Your inner child probably felt very different when little. It was hard to feel like they belonged. Maybe they also had to grow up quite fast. They are very sweet and gentle, nice, lovely big smile (for some their teeth aren't perfect but nobody cares, this big smile can brighten anyone's day and any room). [TW childhood] They probably had to parent themselves at times or kinda act as a parent to their parents or adults (especially if emotionally immature/unstable). They are very welcoming and helping, at times even to a fault. May have been people pleasing, maybe their home wasn't the best to grow up in and had to do it, not just because they felt it as an inner need. Still, it didn't changed their big heart. [/TW childhood]
If you're called to pile 1, you may want to check it (2nd paragraph in particular), cause I feel for some of you too that you don't want to do something you are supposed to do.
Your inner child wants you to sit and talk with them, and tell them about your adulthood and how things are there. They want to know if things changed and they... want to help you too just by listening and being there. It's like you two keep working together as a team, and sustain each other. Be there for them too, I do think they need it a lot. Listen to them rant and talk, and do children stuff like playing or running. Take them with you in a field, sing, shout... make a flower crown or anything really.
And please, if your inner child feels scared sometimes, hug them (physically envision hugging them): remind them you can make it together as you always did. And you can always ask for support to some other adults too if it's too much for you as well. If you both feel lost at times, which is normal after all you had to go through, just talk and ask for support to adults. It's okay. We live in communities, we can ask others and be helped too. If you don't trust other adults to be able to help you, try to breathe and give them a chance. Not all the adults are like those you turned you down and couldn't support you or give you a stable fundation. Also, remember it's okay as adults too to not have all the answer and to not always be in control of everything. I know it feels so scary, but it's what life has to be like sometimes. Just do not let fear take control of you. Remember you can control your decisions and yourself anytime and anyway. Whatever happens. You can do it. You both can.
song: truth is | sabrina claudio
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pile 4
Your inner child loved adventure, playing with other kids, maybe dressing up as a pirate (for Carnival or not)... they also loved to read story or imaginging living in different worlds/times, being a hero or similar things. A very vivid imagination. I do believe they still love to watch animations, to draw, or to write stories (do you?). The life-of-the-party kid. Not necessaily had many friends, but just by mood they're always hyped and happy (unless they have to go to school? I heard so, lol. How can I blame them). Maybe had a tree house or favorite a hiding place, or could create one in their room/garden. Always busy creating something new, drawing, painting, running somewhere... such a funny exciting energy.
They are asking you to put down in words whatever is going on inside. Especially if you haven't been paying attention to your emotions and feelings. Take some time out and focus on you. Come back to your dear words, let the pen roll on the paper and write down it all. Be it in the form of a journal or a diary or a letter to someone (write a letter to them too, I totally feel like they want to listen to your story since you lost contacts -"but make it funny/adventurous"). Write, write it all until you can't no more, until you've written all you needed to and cannot think about anything else. Until you're so tired you need to go to sleep. And have a refreshing sleep then.
They are a bit concerned about you. They want you to know that they see how busy you are and that maybe you cannot connect with them too often, but they want you to remember that they're always by your side. They want you to remember how it feels to be free. To take time for yourself. It feels like you're ovewhelming yourself with things to do and this is causing you pain, inside out. They want you to take time out and meet with them so that they can take you on a pirate ship on adventure (may it even be doing chores in a different and more adventurous way, like dancing/singing, or better, trying to battle with "Captain Dust"... Idk, something like that, talk with your inner child :'D). Just create a safe space for you two to come together again, even just a few moments here and there during your week. You don't have to always be so serious and busy.
song: hope ur okay | olivia rodrigo
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kasagia · 1 year
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My (and your) tears ricochet
Pairing: Klaus Mikaelson x reader Summary: You and Klaus have a difficult relationship. For 500 years, you bond, break up, and get back together, being both your worst nightmares and your longed-for dreams. But after Lucien bites you and you die in Klaus' arms, the true feelings of your "lover" come out. And you're as delighted as devastated. Warning(s): angst, de@th, mourn, mentions of depression/mental breakdown, vampire violence, a bit of comfort at the end Word count: 5k+ Inspired by: "My tears ricochet" - Taylor Swift
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We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room
I never thought this would be my end. Killed by one of Klaus' many enemies because I rushed to save the love of my life. An Y/N from 200 years ago would have laughed in my face for my own stupidity.
To die for Klaus Mikaelson - the enemy of my family, the bane of my existence, and the only one I ever truly desired.
It would have been as improbable to my past self as the entire Mikaelson family mourning me with my sister Katherine by their side.
Yet I was here. In the spirit world, watching the original vampires and Kath line up in front of my coffin, they silently watched the sunlight illuminate my gray, lifeless face.
Maybe Klaus was supposed to be my undoing after all.
At least Katerina put me in a nice dress.
Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me?
Involuntarily, I began to reminisce about the events leading up to my unexpected death, as I was looking at Klaus' stone, emotionless face.
"What? I betrayed you?! I should've seen that coming. After everything I do and sacrifice for you, you still can't trust me, can you? I'll never be your precious Camille."
"Don't bring her to this! I'll ask you just once more and for your own good, love, tell me the truth. Did you tell Aurora about her?!"
"No Klaus. I didn't tell your psychopathic ex that you were fucking your therapist. You have to find someone else to blame for her death."
"I didn't fuck with her."
"And I don't care."
I turned away from him to leave his studio, but the man grabbed my arm in a strong, aching grip, effectively stopping me. I turned to meet his furious gaze again.
"We're not finished."
"YES, WE ARE! I'm so done with being a toy you can throw out and take back whenever you want! I deserve something more than a hybrid who has an existential problem with himself and thousands of enemies on his back. I'm done with you and whatever is between us. You're not worthy of my time, and I'm so dumb to believe that you can feel something more than anger or a desire for power. Mikael was right about you. You're just a scared boy who is pushing everyone away from you because you're too afraid of being betrayed."
I burst out, fed up with his sick attitude. From the moment I arrived at his call, he treated me with fucking hostility and distance. After everything we've been through together, I didn't deserve to be treated like a traitor. 
At least that's what I told myself to keep from falling apart, seeing the complete lack of love for me in his captivating eyes, which I loved as much as the day we first met.
"Calm down. I've killed people for lesser slander. You're lucky you're still breathing, love." he whispered, placing his hand on my neck and squeezing it lightly to remind me that he could end my life at any moment. Good thing I was never afraid of him.
"And you're lucky to still have someone by your side after hurting your whole family again and again. This killing of everyone out of fear that someone would dare lay hand on you is pathetic. And as you can see, it doesn't quite work well." I snarled, yanking my arm out of his grip and walking away from the even angrier man than before.
After all, the one that wins will be the one that hits the hardest. This was always our guiding principle whenever we argued and broke up for a couple of decades.
'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day
"Are you leaving so soon, sister? You just came." Katherine asked as I ran down the stairs towards the exit of the mansion.
"Well, apparently my presence is not needed here. In the house of the great Klaus Mikaelson, there is no place for vile traitors and untrustworthy whores."
"You can not fool me! I know what you really think and feel. And I sympathize with you with all my heart. You're making the right choice, little sister. He is not worthy of your love."
"I didn't ask for your opinion." I growled, unable to bear what she was saying and knowing that it was true.
"You still love him... after everything he has done, after he pretended to be with this bartander and broke your heart..."
"Once again. I didn't ask about your opinion, Katerina." I interrupted her to hurry out of the house. If I had known then that this would be one of our last conversations…
And you're the hero flying around, saving face
"What the hell do you think you're doing?! Lucien is running around trying to get to my loved ones at all costs, and you're taking bloody walks around New Orleans?!" Klaus was yelling at me after he pushed me against the wall of one of the alleys.
"You just answered yourself. Lucien is after your loved ones, and I am not one of them."
"Stupid woman, can't you see how much you mean to me?!"
"You've shown me this for the last fucking weeks by flirting with Aurora and playing Camille's damn boyfriend!"
"I did it to protect you!"
"Not telling me anything, keeping me like a prisoner in your house, and treating me worse than an enemy - this is what you call a fucking protection?!"
"How else was I supposed to keep you from participating in a war that wasn't yours and keep you safe at the same time?!"
"It would be too easy to let me know your plans, wouldn't it?"
"Can't you understand that I can't let anything happen to you?! That losing you too will be the final nail in my coffin!"
Suddenly, a strange, disturbing feeling came over me.
"Klaus."
"No. Let me finally end this and tell what's should be told 500 houndreds bloody years ago." Completely unable to focus on Klaus' words, I glanced over to see what was going on behind him. Lucien pointed the pistol at him with a smirk. Whatever was loaded into the gun, it couldn't end well. "Y/N, I love…"
The shot drowned out what he wanted to say. In an instant, I switched places with him, taking a shot at myself. I gasped as I felt my cool blood begin to ooze from the newly formed wound. My gaze, however, stayed hard on Klaus' terrified eyes.
Lucien's venom.
"Y/N!" his scream managed to cut through my dazed body before I collapsed limply on top of him, sinking into the enticing, blissful darkness.
We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring
"I don't see a bit of sense in what we're doing." Klaus whined as we walked along the lakeshore. Every now and then I would stop to pick up a nicer pebble and put it in one of our pouches.
"Don't be grumpy, old man. Had you never done this when you were a child?"
"We had other activities. Hunting, learning to fight, mother being one of the more ambitious decided to teach us to read and write - looking at Elijah, one of her worst ideas. We had all kinds of holidays, but we never did something as stupid as collecting useless stones."
"My God, you're worse than Katerina. Shouldn't you, as an artist, see beauty even in something as simple as stone? Besides, what if we happen to come across a diamond thrown away by some rich aristocrat's angry mistress? I'm about to waste my chance at finding a ridiculously expensive gem just because you're particularly cranky today." I asked indignantly, pulling him closer to me and smirking as I waited for his response.
"Your overactive imagination worries me sometimes. Also, I'm capable of giving you your own diamond if you want." he replied, unconvinced, staring at me with feigned concern. Sparks of amusement shone in his mesmerizingly beautiful eyes.
"As far as I remember, my imagination didn't bother you last night. You actually complimented it a lot."
"I won't answer that, just because, apparently, I'm the only one in our humble company who cares about a little tact."
"Well… you weren't last night." I kissed him briefly and run away from him laughing.
"Come here, you little tempting, irritating thing!" he shouted, chasing after me with his own smirk.
He grabbed me, pulling my back to his chest. I started laughing even more as he started placing small kisses down my neck.
"I can give you every little diamond ring you want. Just say a word." he whispered in my ear, nuzzling my jaw with his nose.
You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene
Consciousness slowly began to return to my body. I felt like I was in a sea of ​​verbena. Every little muscle burned with hellish pain.
I must have been in hell.
"Not yet, love. I won't let you get away from me that easily. You must fight." his voice instantly brought me back.
I struggled to open my eyes, hissing at the blinding sunlight. The man sitting by my bed rushed to the windows, covering them, before immediately returning to sit by my side. I felt a sudden pressure on my skull. I angrily pushed his hand away, severing the connection between us.
"Get out of my mind." I wheezed, wincing as I heard my hoarse voice. The hybrid, undaunted by my condition, moved closer to me and handed me a glass of blood from the bedside table.
"Make me, love. I dare you." he whispered as he watched me greedily drink the red liquid.
He helped me hold the glass in my hand, embracing it and stroking it tenderly with his thumb. Had it not been for the knowledge that I would die in a few hours, I might have found the whole scene romantic.
"You know that even if you throw me a thousand challenges, you won't keep me for long. I'm gonna die, Klaus. Like Finn and Cami."
"NO. I will not let you. I'll go to Lucien and snatch this damned cure from his throat."
"Klaus, I'm already dead. There is no need…" he cut me off, tangling his hand in my hair to pull me into a desperate, demanding, needy kiss.
I let the warmth of his lips touch me one last time, letting a soft moan escape my throat as the emotions I felt became too much for me to hide any longer. He grabbed my waist, pulling me to him so that I was sitting on his lap. We broke apart. I leaned my head against his forehead, staring into his tear-filled eyes.
"You can't leave me. Not like that."
"I guess I don't have much choice." I whispered in a trembling voice, stroking his cheek tenderly, trying to wipe the tears from his eyes. "Klaus? Earlier in this alley, before all this happened, You said you love me. I…" he didn't let me finish by pressing his lips against mine again.
"You can say you love me tomorrow. You won't die today, love." he kissed my forehead and left in such a hurry that I couldn't even try to talk him out of the stupid idea of chasing Lucien.
I could only hope he wouldn't do something stupid and share my fate.
You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me
The funeral was not extraordinary or grand. By Mikaelson's standards, it was quite modest and therefore more personal. It was good to know they'd miss my presence, but I couldn't focus on anyone but Klaus.
He was strangely calm. Emotionless, expressionless. Like a dead sculpture. My concern for the vampire only increased when I saw the necklace (which I gave him for his 1,000th birthday) with the pendant of a wolf howling at the moon hanging proudly from his neck, gleaming in the sunlight. His blue eyes stared blankly at my coffin, which they were hiding in the crypt.
Somewhere in the distance, I could hear Katerina and Rebekah crying.
However, the one person I cared about and worried about ever since I left the world of the living spent the entire funeral in astonishing silence.
It was at that moment that I knew he wouldn't accept my departure so easily.
I smiled as I saw Elijah come over to comfort him afterward. My smile faded as the hybrid growled aggressively at him, shoved his brother away, and ran to a place only known to him.
It must have been harder for him than he dared show anyone.
"Please, let one of his siblings be able to get to him. Despite his best efforts to keep them at a distance."
And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet
If I thought the funeral was hard for Klaus, then the wake must be his true hell.
Most of the originals have recovered by now, sitting in their living room sipping drinks, recalling all the funny, sad, and crazy things that had to do with me.
I thought it would somehow ease his pain.
Katerina seemed a little cheerier as she talked about all the compromising situations that WERE SUPPOSED to go with me to the grave. But I couldn't really blame her. I would probably do the same in the reverse situation.
It was Kol who unwittingly unleashed the storm.
"Remember when Nik tried to propose to her in the 19th century, here in New Orleans?" my heart and the whole world around me stopped for a moment. Propose?
"What?! How?" my sister's surprised exclamation perfectly reflected my current state. I had no idea that idea could ever enter his head.
"He has had hundreds of attempts over the centuries, but at this time most of us thought he'd finally made it." a single tear escaped my eye as I lamented the future that would never happen. "I even spent all of my money from the safe in Chicago because Nik had planned to…"
The sound of shattering glass echoed through the room, silencing the original. Everyone's attention shifted to Klaus, who had shards of glass stuck in his hands. A trickle of blood began to form from his hand, staining the chair and the carpet beneath it.
"I have enough of this pathetic show." he snarled, brushing off the shards of glass as he walked away to his art studio. Rebekah and Elijah didn't give up so easily, catching up with him on the stairs.
"Is that how your life will look now? You'll growl at us every time we mention Y/…" 
"DON'T EVEN DARE SAY HER NAME!" he burst out, running to his studio. Elijah gave his sister a knowing look and returned to the living room, letting her do her thing.
Rebekah and I followed the hybrid, finding him in the middle of the ruined room, weeping over one of my portraits that had miraculously survived the crash. The blonde kneeled, hugging her brother and combing his hair comfortingly.
"Oh, Nik. That pain will never go away if you don't accept…"
"I WILL NEVER ACCEPT THIS!" he wrenched himself free from her grip, wary of the painting. "And this damn witch knew it! She enchanted me the first time I saw her. She put a dark spell on me, so I never found any other woman even a little bit as attractive as her. She is my heart, my half soul, my happiness, my sadness, and my madness, and now… now she is gone. And will be my curse for the rest of my life, Rebekah. Nothing can change that, especially not passing time, because every second, every minute, every hour, and every day without her by my side is meaningless."
"But you two were apart before, and you never acted like that, Nik."
"It was easier to let her go knowing she was happy and safe rather than cold and dead in some bloody tomb."
"And what about Hope? Your daughter, remember? You must be strong for her."
"Maybe it would have been better if she had never known the wasted shell I became after SHE left."
The blast of air (and all that mess) was all he left behind. Rebekah hesitantly reached for my portrait, staring at it with tears in her eyes.
However, it may not be so easy to let me go for all of them.
And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home
"You just beat yourself up more. By the way, he himself too." Cami's voice came from behind me. I turned to face her, leaving the hybrid alone with my crypt for a moment.
"I thought it was healthy to grieve a little over someone's death."
"Yes, but what you two are doing is obsessive and bordering on pre-depressive. You must let him go. And he you. Holding on to him will get you nowhere. If you don't want peace yet, you might as well travel to other places. You can go anywhere you want."
"Anywhere I want, just not home." I muttered bitterly, looking at the hybrid sitting across from my grave and sipping a bottle of bourbon.
"I don't think I can do anything here. Just remember you have a choice, okay?"
"You're going to find peace?"
"Yes, and don't make me wait there alone for long. Watching them won't help you. I'm so sorry, Y/N." she gave me one last comforting, sad smile and turned to leave.
"Good luck, Camille!" I called after her and turned on my way, approaching Klaus again.
"For you too. I hope you'll find your peace." I heard before the blonde was gone for good.
"I already did." I murmured, grabbing Klaus' hand, enjoying the slim chance of being close to him. At the very least, I could fool myself into thinking I was still with him. 
Because the truth was that I would never find my peace without him.
And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones
Klaus had slept for a week and stayed only in my bedroom, occasionally popping up to visit my grave. With a heavy heart, I laid down next to him on my bed, watching him sleep peacefully, hugging my pillow, and inhaling my scent left on it.
Involuntarily, I remembered my last hours in this bed.
"I will kill anyone you thought was your friend. I will tear out their throats and hearts one by one and torture them until they feel half as much pain as I will feel. I'll make this whole bloody world go up in flames, and it'll never rise from its fall, and neither will I if you leave me."
"Were you always so dramatic, or did it just happen in your old age?" I taunted, taking a sip of water to cover up my earlier sudden coughing fit from him. But I doubt I'll be able to explain the blood on the mirror if he looks in the bathroom when he returns.
"I'm not joking, love. If you die before I find a cure, I'll follow you straight to hell and drag you back with me. No one and nothing can take you from me."
"I'd find it romantic if you didn't presume that I'm the spawn of the devil. What if I'm an angel in disguise?"
"Then they did a fantastic job of camouflaging you. I have to go now, love. You have one task: Don't die. Can you do it?"
"I'll try. Nik, I lo..." he hung up before I could finish. "I love you, Nik." I whispered to myself, trying my hardest to control the sudden dizziness.
Klaus, whatever you're doing, please do it faster.
And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky) And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)
"I think you should go in the red one. This color has always suited you." I mumbled as I stood next to my sister and watched her look at herself in the mirror.
At one point, she sighed resignedly, falling onto the bed where Rebekah was sitting. The blonde pulled away from the phone, glancing at the doppelgänger.
"What's wrong with you this time? We went through all our wardrobes, and you didn't pick anything? You always look stunning, just go for something."
"Usually, it was Y/N who helped me choose a dress for a date."
The deafening silence that filled the room probably hurt me more than it hurt them. How I would love to be there with them.
"I'm… I'm sorry."
"You don't have to. How could you know? I just… really miss her."
"Yeah. Me too. All of us do."
"I'd probably borrow something from her if she was still here and if Klaus wasn't guarding her room like a vault."
"Speaking of him, I should probably check on him. If you can hear me in any way, take the little red one. Elijah will be delighted." I said getting out of bed and heading to my bedroom. I've probably spent more time in it as a ghost than a vampire.
I entered the room, neatly dodging the piles of books and clothes that Klaus had scattered around, looking for things that still smelled of me. I dreaded thinking what he would do when they were gone. Maybe he'll be in the mood to use my perfume instead and go outside? It was the best scenario.
I sighed, recognizing his curled form on the bed. He was wearing my favorite sweatpants and a (too big for me) sweatshirt. I was a little scared that he could easily fit into my clothes. Several bottles of alcohol and bags of blood were placed next to him. At least he was feeding. I sat next to him, running my hand through his hair (pretending to do so).
"I know it's hard for you and that you can't move on; come to terms with what happened. I'd probably be in much worse shape if I couldn't hear you, see your ridiculously handsome face. But you are stronger than me. Much stronger. You have to get out of this. For yourself, for your siblings, for Hope… for me." I began to cry, trying to somehow hug the also weeping hybrid. "I'm so sorry, Nik."
Suddenly, a very angry Hayley burst into the room with a nervous Elijah behind her.
"KLAUS! That's enough! You have to get yourself in order and get out of this hole. It will be best if you go for a walk with YOUR DAUGHTER. Do you still remember her? Hope misses you and has been restless for several weeks. I can't calm her down, so do your fatherly duty and move your ass, or I'll do it for you."
"Go away." he mumbled, not even looking up since they came in.
The brunette snorted, trying to take my blanket from him, which covered him. As soon as her hands were on the material, the hybrid growled, snatching it from her hands and pinning the woman by the neck to the wall.
"Touch her stuff again, and I'll make it the last thing you do in your miserable, meaningless life."
"Niklaus! Let her go!" I screamed along with Elijah. Klaus ignored his brother, only tightening his grip on the barely alive woman.
"Do you think Y/N would want you to kill your baby's mother?"
Luckily, this convinced the hybrid. He released Hayley from his grip and shoved them both out of the room, locking the door behind them. He threw himself heavily on the bed, inhaling my scent to calm himself down. After a while, tears started flowing from his eyes.
I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same
The worst thing about this illness wasn't the debilitating pain. Loneliness was the worst.
Each of the Mikaelsons and Katerina were involved in obtaining the cure. They still had hope. But I resigned myself to my fate the moment Lucien's venom pierced my body with a wooden ball.
That didn't mean I wanted to die alone.
As if on cue, Katerina burst into my room and sat on the bed next to me. I could see her lips move, but I couldn't hear a sound in the world. It wasn't until she poured a glass of cold water over me that my complete consciousness returned to me.
"Are you crazy?!" I shouted. "If you want to get me to my grave faster, there are other ideas." Katerina stopped laughing and suddenly tensed up, glaring reproachfully at me.
"Don't even dare say that. You're not going to die, do you understand? Klaus is getting a cure right now. You will recover. I promise." she said, grabbing my hand and planting a kiss on my forehead, brushing sweaty, wet strands of hair out of my eyes.
"You may be the best liar that ever walked on this earth, but I always knew when you were lying."
"I'm glad I'm not doing it this time. You'll see, you'll be cruising around again in a few hours, avoiding Klaus' argument about obeying his orders."
"At least when I go to hell, I'll meet our father and kick his ass for separating you from Nadia. Maybe Mikael and Dahlia will be on my hit list too." I mumbled, giving in after several hours to the urge to close my eyes. Then I felt that I had been shivering with fever all this time.
"Y/N, open your eyes. You've got to open your eyes for me, just for a little while longer. Please, Y/N."
"We should saddle our horses today and take a ride to the lake. We haven't done that for a long time."
"We'll go to Bulgaria I promise, just open your eyes for me. Molya te, sestrichke otvori ochi."
"Obicham te Katerina." I whispered, feeling the last bloody tears fall from my eyes.
"Y/N! Wake up! Freya!" Katherine screamed in panic, trying to wake me up by shaking my shoulders.
The next few minutes were weightless as I waited to pass into the ghost world. With the remnants of my ebbing life, I felt the commotion around my bed. The bitter liquid was forced down my throat, and someone clenched my jaw to make sure I didn't spit out the horrible liquid. In the background, I could still hear Freya and Davina mumbling, Katerina and Rebekah crying, and Klaus screaming in rage before I was swallowed up in pain-relieving darkness for good.
Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet
It's been a month and a half since my death, and Klaus has made one small, significant progress. He didn't throw his fangs at anyone who so much as uttered my name. After the attack on Hayley, he had controlled his aggression and was not a relative danger to society. Well… at least not more than usual.
I, on the other hand, felt much better than a months ago. My vampire speed somehow reactivated, saving me from chasing the rushing original for half a day. Also, watching my loved ones brought me some relief. Only Klaus was still stuck in place, unable to let me go.
Hayley and Freya joined forces to talk some sense into him and set him on the right path. But even their best efforts could not change the stubborn hybrid's mind.
That's how I got here. At my grave, watching Klaus clean it and add new flowers, throwing out the ones that had faded since his visit yesterday. I got more flowers from him after I died than I've had in 500 goddamn years.
He usually worked in silence, occasionally humming some old song I made him sing ages ago when I was upset. He has always had a wonderful voice.
But today, after a particularly bad fight with Hayley, Elijah, and Freya, he sat on the bench in front of my tombs and did something he hadn't done before. He was talking to me (or rather, to a stone slab with my name on it, but still).
"I know you wouldn't approve of my behavior. I know you would yell at me and get angry. My gods, I never imagined that I would miss it so much. I really wish I could be there for Hope, but I can't. I can't let her see me like this. Even if she's so little now. I know she needs me, but... everyone I love is dying. And I can't let anyone else die again because of me. Especially not my daughter. I want her to live. I want her to grow up. I want her to love, even if it brings you pain and sadness. Be a strong and beautiful woman, as you and her mother. I don't know what to do, Y/N. And I really wish that you were here to tell me, my little vampire."
A fountain of tears spilled from both his and my eyes. For the first time today, I reached for him, pulling him to me in a poor imitation of a hug.
The hybrid jumped up from the bench in fear, staring shocked and suspiciously at the place he had recently occupied. My heart beat faster. Did he? No. It is impossible. Klaus has the same incredulous look as mine. But what if…
"Y/N?" for the first time in these long, cold months, I shed a wave of relief tears. I sat there in shock, staring at the uncertain hybrid with unimaginable happiness. He could feel me. Like I him. "Please, show me it's you, and I'm not delusional."
I rushed over to him, hugging him with all my might. The hybrid almost knocked us to the ground. He probably didn't hear my loud laugh because he would have looked a little more offended than full of disbelief and happiness.
"I'll recognize that smell anywhere. Cruel woman, if you really are just a figment of my imagination and I make a fool of myself by running to my siblings with this, then know that I will meet you soon in hell and will not let your soul depart from me again." I slapped his shoulder for saying such nonsense, and he just laughed, gropingly trying to pull me closer to his chest.
I allowed myself, for the first time in months, to sink into the blissful feel of his warm skin. We needed a moment to ourselves before he shared this discovery with Freya, and their next fight to retrieve me from death's clutches began. For now, I enjoyed Klaus' clinginess.
"Don't even think that I'll deprive you of your touch for a moment. I'm going to hold you until the end of the bloody world." he whispered, moving around me from memory to put his chin on top of my head after he kissed me there softly.
It sounded good. But I knew it wouldn't be enough for us for long.
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joprompts · 2 months
Text
the great gatsby (2023 musical) starters. part two. *starters from the musical. slightly edited for rp purposes. adjust as necessary.
better hold tight or i might fly away.
do you know what i did when my baby was born? when i found out that she was a she? i prayed that my beautiful child would be the fool that i could never be.
if that's the plan, you can count me out.
only four hours left and there's too much to do. i don't know what to wear, what to say, how to stand when i'm standing inside the foyer!
can justice be done? what a joke!
soon, we'll share in what i've done.
when the party's over, can you find another party somewhere?
we live for today.
one way road, is that what this is? have i traveled down it from a very early age?
it's tea, it's only tea! no need for such commotion!
today is never over if the party never stops.
god sees everything, but is slow on his commands.
i wonder what [she'd/he'd/they'd] do, if i walked through.
what if i turn into her?
she should know that i mean business, but i also mean causal, with teeny tiny sandwiches!
i'm sure you're the second-best she's ever had!
with only a nickel to my name, i've but it all to get in the game.
even for you, that was a scandal for the ages.
it took no time to love her, just to be worthy of her.
this could turn for me and i can guarantee when all this is done i'll be forever in your debt.
i wouldn't trust myself.
i kissed her and knew i'd ever stray, but then the world got in the way.
can you see through the mist? look out this way. can you see the green light, just across the bay? sometimes, it's blinking, sometimes it's warning, blinking it's message to me until morning. it's a lighthouse.
none of this was made to last.
i will be a rich man's wife with a rich man's baby and be set for life.
will she see i've made my world in the image of her dreams? the closer that i get, the farther that she seems!
i've become the man her world demanded me to be.
they want me to come in while the killer roams free.
better listen to that man. people say he takes the world seriously.
can you believe we now have a child?
she never loved you and she never will.
i built the perfect place to stay locked away.
we pay off the cops.
there must be some justice! someone has to pay!
how's the view from up there?
i spoke those words to gain security. it was maybe a mistake and the only choice to make.
i think you two are birds of a feather. i must find ways to fling you together. lock you both up in a closet for tea, charter a boat, push you right out to sea!
i've always known what i was fighting for.
to have and to hold. til death do us part.
only we know what we're going through. if i save you, will you save me too?
i'm gonna walk into the ocean!
we had to give up all the parties and drinking.
the party's roaring on.
marriage is more than vows and devotion. it is a ferris wheel of emotion. lifting you up, right after you fall. marriage is not what you picture at all.
i'm not going anywhere.
but now, today i see an open door at last that could lead me to a future i gave up in the past.
she eats and sleep and it is utterly wild!
i'm paralyzed with happiness.
i built a home beyond my childhood dreams.
breathe, i can't breath! can't hold it together! i try to inhale and my head starts to swim.
when i saw him walking down the aisle, he actually looked cute.
i've come so far for her.
if we don't go now, we might never know what this could be! who we really are!
i'm smart enough to know i'd lose everything if i ever strayed.
and boy, was i a sucker.
we'll be living back in time, just as it was before. only now she will have everything and more.
i've always liked swinging at little white balls.
it's time for tea!
can we stop for a moment and just look around. look at us all and the joy we have found.
i can't run away.
at the end of the night, i'm going home with him.
can you see through the mist, across the bay?
i let him put a ring on me.
but don't you think that every newlywed believes their marriage will endure and that somehow will escape their fate? is that every wedding's curse?
everyone can stop tip-toeing.
money can't buy happiness, no sir, but it brings you closer.
am i chasing a dream?
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turtlecleric · 2 months
Note
waddles into your inbox and does the Nicholas Cage steepling hand meme
Ok friend, I gotta bone to pick with you. Respectfully of course.
Now I ain't much of an 18+ reader, not really my gig ya know. I ain't too comfortable with it, so you're probably asking then why are you reading it?
Well friend, let me tell you. Because it makes me think. Your stories specifically. Many a times I've had to put my phone down and I've been caught by my roommates with the most intense look on my face.
My friend once said that something is considered art if it makes you feel something, anything, whether good or bad. And let me tell ya Miss Cleric, you've certainly got me feeling somethings.
You certainly have a gift with words as well as speed (like dang sis how you write so fast so much?!) and you use them most expertly, and to that I tip my hat at you.
I hope that you take care of yourself and remember that you are valued and appreciated just as you are ok honey? You don't have to do anything to work or earn love. You are worth loving and experiencing simply by existing mkay? 🧡🙌🏼
Also, if and only if you're feeling up for it just because I need some closure, can we get a part 2 of the recent Rise Raph snippet? I really wanna see how Raph responds when he finds out what happens and how it goes down when Y/N gets out of surgery. Like I would love to see the recovery trauma of having to talk to someone close to you, even when it wasn't necessarily their fault
Or I’d love to see your twist on using hypnotism, but if and only if you’re feeling up to it. If not and if this is too forward then I totally understand.
Just make sure to take care of yourself ok? 🧡
Oh my goodness gracious y'all are really spoiling me with these sweet messages!! I'm so so so glad people are enjoying what I'm putting out there!! Thank you for reading and for being so kind 😭 I'm endlessly flattered that people think my writing is good. And the fact that I can make you think, make you feel things... man. That's like. The dream. To do that with my writing. So hearing that I'm succeeding - that makes me really, really happy. Thank you smmmm 🥰
I don't feel like I write very much or very fast tbh 😅 took me about a week to write I Know Now, for example, which wasn't even a full 3K. But uh. Being obsessed with the turtles and getting ideas that I really like does help a lot I won't lie lol
I'm trying my best to take care of myself! Not always succeeding but trying at least! You're so sweet 🥺🥺🥺 thank you. And this is true for you as well!! We're all worthy of love 💕 even when it doesn't feel like it. (Pounding this into my own head)
Ahhh Raphie boy. I really put him and reader through it. I would like to maybe write a second part, but if I do, it won't be for a while. It's such a hard topic, and it took me hours upon hours to write part one. It is on my mind though, to write a part two. When I get the time, energy, motivation, etc. And oh my GOD. Hypnotism........... Donnie recording Hypno's power and figuring out how to tweak that and use it in the bedroom... or even some kind of dead dove fic involving hypnotism... oh I would love to tackle that... [stares at my current pile of WIPs and winces] at some point...
Side bar- When did I become the type of person who has multiple WIPs??? I can't believe this. [Points at turtle fam] This is all YOUR fault!! /j /lh
I will try to take care of myself!! I hope you do the same!! Thank you again for the sweet ask. I will definitely be thinking about a part two for Raph. If you want, you can subscribe to that fic on my ao3 so that you're notified if I post a part 2! (Same username - I just made it this weekend! Haven't finished putting everything up yet, but What Did I Do? is already there!)
Anyway!! Thanks again!! 😊💕 I hope you're having a good night!!
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icedmetaltea · 1 year
Note
Why do you like yandere stuff so much? No judgement, I'm just wondering cause I noticed a lot of people like it and I just can't wrap my head around it, so I wanted to ask a few people who enjoy it
WELL it's a bit of a loaded answer... I obvs can't answer for everyone, so this is just my personal take:
(pretty long and also just ioewjgfuireuiver kinda emBARRASSING so ima put it under here)
A bitch be lonely. I think that's the most common thing that draws people to the trope. Like, if you're someone who grew up without friends like me, the idea of being solely idolized by someone, like given their complete attention is just rlly appealing to me. To be loved, to be wanted, to be worshiped no matter how much your brain has convinced you that you're not worthy of love is just *chef's kiss*
The attention. This is kinda the same as the first answer but for me a big thing I love in the trope is when I- or well y/n, more correctly- gets praised a lot and treated like they're the most important thing in the world. I already have awful self-esteem so I like being told I'm perfect and wonderful as I am (TヘT) I think most people also have this mindset.
Being taken care of completely. No more worries about bills, food, shelter, etc... cause it's all taken care of for you (whether u like it or not so you don't have to feel guilty about it lol)
The whole power dynamic. I don't rlly have a sub/dom kink or at least not the mainstream kind (?) but I do enjoy the idea of being able to let go and just be myself without having to worry about judgement or societal norms- because, well, said character has already broken out of what's considered acceptable by kidnapping you or whatever so we're already past that lol.
Kinda adding onto that, being able to be flawed without, again, worrying about putting someone off. You can be ugly, socially inept, talentless, fuckin' stupid, whatever, and it's all okay. You don't have to fit in with anything society deems attractive- said character is flawed enough themselves to find you perfect.
The danger aspect. I love horror in general, so it's kind of like that for me. I have severe anxiety so being able to just feel scared for a while can be incredibly cathartic for me.
The "reframing" thing. In case you haven't noticed, yandere stuff for me tends to be pretty light-hearted. While I'm totally cool with people enjoying yandere stuff with tons of blood/violence/etc, I usually go for "softer" stuff, like stalking, kidnapping, etc. In a way, I'm taking something that makes me feel helpless and scared and making it something that brings me an odd sort of comfort. I suppose this is a way I can cope with anxiety- by taking some form of fear, like how I often feel helpless and trapped during panic attacks, and putting it in the context of when I'm helpless and trapped but in the arms of someone who wants nothing more than to protect me and would literally crush anyone/anything that tried to hurt me aaaAAA ❤️
The fact that it it's fiction! Fiction is a beautiful thing, where you can tackle potentially traumatic things without irl consequences. Would I want anything like this irl? NO!! Stalking/kidnapping/what have you is absolutely vile if it takes place in real life. Even stuff like be very controlling of a partner (unless you have their complete consent and have talked this stuff out ahead of time/have a safe word and all) is entirely unhealthy and toxic. In fiction?? Go for it. It can also be a great way to cope with intrusive thoughts if you suffer from those as well.
That being said, it's absolutely not for everyone, and I imagine most people would find the trope to be disgusting and horrific- and that is completely understandable and okay! It's up to people (who I'm assuming and HOPING are 18+ bc if you're a minor it can be way harder to distinguish reality from fiction and lead an immature person to believe any of these traits like being controlling/ultra possessive are okay irl and maybe even encourage them to seek out abusive relationships/yandere stuff tends to be thrown in with stuff like violence, sexuality, really disturbing stuff in general, etc so when I say all these things, it's coming from my ADULT perspective) to be discerning of what they can handle both mentally and emotionally. If it leaves you feeling gross, creeped out, or disturbed in some way, stop and avoid it.
Alright, sorry for the ramble! As you can tell I'm pretty passionate about it. I hope that answered your question somewhat! ✨
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thinkingjasico · 2 years
Text
what if when jason woke up on the bus with piper and leo the only memory he had was the name nico di angelo?
The first and second part of this post rewriting The Lost Hero, Son of Neptune, Mark of Athena and House of Hades are in this link <3
Making BoO in a new post bc that one was already a bit long. So shall we finally finish this rewriting HoH with BoO? Walk with me...
Nico has gone with Reyna and Coach Hedge to take the Athena Parthenos, and Jason is on the ship with the others nearing the end of the mission.
For jasico shippers BoO already starts with the iconic "gods...nico" which is already so gay that I don't even need to change it.
The book starts with Jason’s POV extremely worried about Nico and we're going to pretend here that his arc with his mother ended in a better way. Maybe with Jason pretending to accept her proposal and staying in the Odysseus' Palace with his mother to see what else he can find out about Gaia's plans. Piper and Annabeth manage to get away and get to the ship. The rest of the crew gets a little pissed at Jason and wants to leave, but Piper and Leo explain to everyone that they have to stay and wait, that Jason must have a plan and must not have really allied with Gaia. So Jason gets all the information they need and thinks he's gonna have to fly or something like that until he finds the ship because he thinks they must have gone and left him behind (the abandonment complex this boy has...) and then Jason manages to scape, but Michael Varus, Beryl and other soldiers intercept him, Jason denies his mother that same way but makes a whole speech, he takes the stab but manages to fly, almost falling, and get out of there. He thinks he won't be able to fly for much longer to find the Argo II and will fall into the sea and die. At that moment he sees the ship in the distance and thinks that it's the first time that people have not given up on him and abandoned him. When he arrives everyone helps him and Jason, almost fainting, says he doesn't believe they stayed there at the risk of being attacked and Hazel, who doubted Jason the most, says that of course they did because they are like a family now and you cant leave your family behind.
Meanwhile, Nico is starting to feel weak from the shadow travel. Little by little he gets closer to Reyna and trusts her more. Nico remembers how Jason always said that when Nico felt ready to open up to friendships he would see how many people would like to get to know him better, not just Jason and Hazel. Nico found it hard to believe because he'd had a small crush on Percy when he was younger, which he saw would come to nothing when he found out Percy liked Annabeth, and for a long time Nico thought he wasn't worthy of love at all and felt guilty about his feelings for boys. His mother died, his sister too, his first crush not only didn't feel the same way, but he often actually seemed to hate Nico… and then when Nico allowed himself to start believing he could be loved by Hazel and Jason, if he actually felt the same for Nico—Jason was taken and placed as someone else's boyfriend. But little by little Nico begins to see that Reyna, like his sisters and Jason, doesn't expect anything from him. She doesn't want anything from him, except his friendship.
Gradually Nico talks a little with Reyna about Jason, but he talks about it like they're just friends and he's worried about Jason because he's feeling something strange. Reyna obviously realizes that it's not just friendship, as she always suspected, and tells Nico to try to get in touch with Jason. So Nico manipulates his dreams to get into Jason's. It's difficult because Jason doesn't have the preparation or powers to control his own dreams. But when entering Jason's dreams, Nico can feel that he is dying. Nico wakes up startled but before he can tell Reyna that they need to IM the Argo II— they are attacked.
Jason feels something strange when he wakes up, almost as if he's had a vivid dream—but stranger. He wakes up hearing Nico's voice, but he's not there. Feeling his presence and hearing his footsteps... but Nico must already be on the other side of the continent about to make the jump across the Atlantic. Jason feels the ship rocking a lot and goes to the deck. He offers to go down with Percy and that's when Jason gets better and makes the promise of the shrines to the gods.
Nico is in Portugal, very weak and almost dying, when he sees his father and Hades says the "I want you to be an exception" (I have a post about this line here 🥺) and Nico decides to IM Jason.
He's in the infirmary tending to some injuries with Piper when Nico appears nearby. Piper is startled and at least three light bulbs explode when Jason sees Nico there.
"Sorry I didn't mean to appear out of the blue but this thing doesn't have a ringtone or anything." Nico is a little embarrassed because Jason had his shirt up for Piper to bandage his abdomen. Jason drops his shirt in the same second.
"No, dont worry about it." He gets closer to the IM. "Did something happen? Are you okay? Reyna? Coach?"
Nico gives a small smile because that is how Jason is. He is the one in the infirmary tending to injuries, and Nico felt he was on the verge of death— but there he is worried about others.
"We are all fine."
"You don't look fine." Nico really is very thin, sunken-eyed and clearly weak.
"Look who's talking. I felt a strange thing as if you were dying, but I guess at least that didn't happen, right?"
Jason smiles. "No. I'm very much alive."
"That's great." Nico wants to look at him whole, ask more, tell about his conversation with his father, tell him about getting closer to Reyna. Tell Jason how every time he walks into the void filled with emptiness and he has to focus on the next destination, his mind betrays him and thinks about Jason and he almost ends up on the Argo II again with Reyna, Hedge and the Athena Parthenos in Jason's room. And Jason looks at him like he also has a million things to say.
Piper clears her throat and they both snap out of their trance and look at her. "I think your bandage is fine for now, Jason." She gathers a few things and throws them away. "I'll give you a second. Nico, please say hi to Reyna for me." And she leaves.
Jason turns back to Nico rather embarrassed.
"I've been thinking—"
"I wanted to know if—"
They speak at the same time.
Jason chuckles. "You go first."
Nico nods and tries to muster up the courage but can't look at Jason, so he looks down. "I've been thinking about not going to the Underworld if this war ends well for us."
"Really?!" Nico looks up and Jason has wide eyes and a bright smile.
"Really." Nico tries not to smile too, and he doesn't know why it's so hard to control his smile every time he's with Jason even if it's an IM being countries away from each other. But whenever he sees him, the skeleton butterflies in Nico's stomach want to come back to life. It's really irritating.
"And what made you change your mind?" Jason asks and Nico notice he's trying his best to control his smile. "If I may ask."
Nico shakes his head and looks away for a second to control his involuntary blushing. "Many things." Nico turns back to Jason. "Let's say one day a very annoyingly smart boy told me that it's possible to choose your family and have people in your life who care about you and love you for who you are and who make you want to choose to live and fight for those people. And I've been starting to think this might be true."
Jason's eyes that had previously been a little gray from the possible pain of his injuries, gleamed again as Nico saw it happen every time they were together. "I'm glad to hear that. I wonder if this smart boy is among those people."
Nico rolls his eyes but a small smile tugs at the tip of his lips. "Annoyingly smart, don't forget."
Jason nods, feigning seriousness. "Of course."
Nico shakes his head and hears Reyna calling to him in the distance. He looks for where her voice is coming from and sees that Reyna and Hedge are running to him.
"Holy crap." Nico says scared.
"Nico what..." Jason asks worriedly.
Nico doesn't even turn to him. "I have to go." Nico runs his hand over the message and it disappears.
At that moment they are attacked by the werewolves and Nico gets seriously injured. They make the next jump to escape and meet with the Hunters and Amazons (which means, Thalia). We're in Reyna's POV so she's shocked that Thalia is Jason's sister and wonders how Nico will react. Nico wakes up with the note that the hunters took Reyna and he gets mad. He goes out and buys the classic palm tree shirt and then meets Thalia briefly. She says that Reyna didn't know much about how Jason is but as Nico stayed longer on the ship she asks him if he doesn't know anything else, Nico is kind of embarrassed and Thalia doesn't understand why, so he just says that Jason was injured but that he seems to be recovering well. Nico tells Thalia about his theory about the end of the prophecy and Thalia gets serious and thoughtful, and says she hopes Nico is wrong, but they both know he's not.
With great difficulty they make the next jump and Nico soon finds Bryce.
On Jason's side and the Argo II, they are sure they need the doctor's cure or Jason or Leo will die at the end of the prophecy. Jason thinks it's okay if he has to die, as long as he at least gets to see Nico one last time, if only to tell him not to give up on his life and not go to the Underworld.
After killing Bryce in the most sinister way possible, Nico passes out and is unconscious for days. When he wakes up he tells Reyna and Hedge everything. Everything about him, about Jason... He can't look at them and really want to cry.
"It would be weird being two guys together. But it makes it even worse that Jason is…well, Jason, and I am me."
"Kid, I don't understand." The coach says. "You demigods complicate things too much. What would be wrong with two men together? It's natural for me as men and women, satyrs and nymphs…" Nico looks at them a little confused but hopeful. Reyna nods with a smile and Nico with teary eyes smiles weakly. "And another thing, the Grace boy is quite annoying but he's a good figther, you're the same. If he likes you and you like him, I don't know what could stop you." Nico and Reyna laugh a little.
Coach says he'll get things ready for them to go and Reyna stays behind to talk to Nico.
Nico looks at her embarrassed. "I know you liked him, I don't want to..."
Reyna holds up a hand, silencing Nico. "Nico I didn't like Jason— I liked the idea of him. The son of Jupiter, praetor by my side, very powerful demigod and a soldier like no other. I thought I needed to be with a boy like that, and I don't know, maybe I was wrong about that in many ways." Nico frowns in confusion and Reyna smiles. "You trusted me, and I'm grateful for that. After this madness is over and I can think about myself instead of a war, maybe I can understand what it was I had for Percy and Jason, and why that happened. Then I'll talk to you about it. But just know that you and Jason are two of the demigods who most deserve a happy life after all you've been through." She places her hand on Nico's shoulder and he was still processing the 'Percy' part of what she said. "We can die at any moment, you more than anyone knows that— Will you really let fear stop you from being happy and making him happy?"
Back to Jason.
They got the doctor's cure and are reaching Athens. Jason and Hazel tried to contact Nico again but couldn't, and the two are anxious and wondering if Nico died in that attack. Hazel says he's not dead, that she would know if he was, but they are still afraid.
Hazel and Jason are on the deck waiting for the others to finish putting on their armor. They are looking at the blue sea and Athens approaching at every second.
"I wish I had spoken to him one more time." Hazel says and Jason looks at her. "In case we don't make it out of here."
"We're going to get out of here. This is just the beginning of the battle, we still have Gaia ahead of us." Hazel nods and looks at him very seriously.
"I know you guys don't talk about it with others. But back at Camp Jupiter I knew you guys spent all day together while I did my training." Jason’s eyes wide a little. "Every night I saw Nico arrive at the barracks with a silly smile on his face that didn't match his sadness and distance of the rest of the time. He didn't even have to tell me much other than silence when I asked if he liked you for me to understand everything."
Jason couldn't help but smile a little. "I've been remembering more and more things. Like coming home with a silly smile too." Hazel chuckles but Jason's smile fades little.
"What is it?"
Jason shakes his head. "I don't know. It's weird that I didn't have my memories altered to think that all of this happened between Piper and I, like it was for her. And I feel guilty about that. I know it's crazy—"
"Jason you shouldn't feel guilty about losing your memories but not having false memories of her. It was bad enough for you to forget your life and who you are. It's Juno's fault that this happened to you guys, not yours."
"I know, it's just..." Jason lets out a weary breath and looks back at Piper helping Annabeth with her armor. "I know it was hard for her, and I can't help but blame myself. And at the same time I don't understand why Juno tortured her with these false memories and left Nico's name in my head and didn't put Piper in my memories of him." He looks at Hazel who seems to be paying close attention to the matter.
"Mist is complicated Jason. Maybe even being a goddess Juno didn't have full mastery of it."
Jason nods thoughtfully and looks away and now Athens is even closer. Jason’s heart races. "Hazel, please promise me something."
She nods. "Sure, what is it?"
Jason looks at her. "Maybe at the end of the mission I will die—" Hazel opens her mouth to speak but Jason continues. "I know we have the cure, but I've been thinking... We only have one cure, what if Leo and I die? I'd rather you use the cure on him." Hazel frowns. "And if that happens, I just want you to please promise me that you'll be with Nico, that even though he's on one side of the country at Camp Half-Blood and you're on the other at Camp Jupiter, that you'll be family to each other, and that he won't be alone."
Hazel smiles and takes his hands. "Nico may be on the other side of the planet and I will never abandon him. And you will not die, you'll also be with him and we'll all be a family." Jason looks down feeling his chest tighten. Nico could be in danger right now, maybe the seven won't even make it back to Camp Half-Blood no matter how much Jason tells Hazel they are. Maybe when Jason arrives Nico will be dead, maybe Jason will die in the end... it's a one in a million chance that this will have a happy ending.
Nico arrives at the camp and finds Will, Lou and Cecil. They go together to try to infiltrate the Roman army. And Nico realizes how little are their chances to survive this war.
The Argo II reach Athens and they fight the Giants alongside the gods. In the end Zeus blames Hera and Apollo, and Jason defends Apollo. They are heading towards the ship but Jason stops for a second beside Hera while Leo and the others prepare the ship. Hera looks confused by Jason's approach, but happy that he wants to talk to her after all.
"Weird that you being the goddess of marriage broke so many hearts with this plan of yours." Hera's smile disappears instantly.
"Jason..."
"With all due respect my lady, but I don't want to hear any excuses. The only thing I want to know is why did you leave him in my head? Why did you leave Nico's name and his presence in the memories I'd forgotten?"
Hera looks at him confused. "Jason I didn’t let him in your head." She rolls her eyes and huffs. "My original idea was for you to have your memories altered for the Aphodite's daughter and for Percy to have his memories altered for the praetor at Camp Jupiter. It was my chance to ruin the happiness of the two demigods I detest the most, Annabeth Chase and Nico di Angelo. But... I was doing it all alone, hidden, and in such a hurry... So whatever it was, you two managed not to let your memories be altered and remembered them."
Jason was too stunned to notice Aphrodite nearby until she giggled and Hera turned to her. "'Whatever it was' of course. Meddle in these matters and hurt my daughter... You have a lot more to worry about now than with Zeus."
Jason feels the fight coming in the air and leaves to join the others with his head spinning.
It wasn't Hera, it was him. All this time Jason was feeling weak and  vulnerable without his memories, but he wasn't weak. Jason managed to dodge a goddess messing with his mind.
Everyone gathered on the deck with Leo yelling for them to hold on tight. Jason saw his dad give the ship a slap. But Jason’s mind and heart were racing faster than the Argo II flying across europe and the Atlantic.
The Argo II arrives at the camp. The battle is insane on the ground and Leo yells for everyone to leave while the ship is on fire, Jason doesn't want to leave him but Leo tells him to go with Piper. None of them are happy to leave Leo behind but Jason grabs Piper and flies off into battle.
Here I don't even need to change the canon because, again, it was already very gay. "Jason’s heart lifted when he saw Nico di Angelo on the front lines with the Greeks, slashing his way through a crowd of two-headed men."
Jason goes down with Piper and Reyna goes to them and when Piper goes out with Reyna, Nico sees Jason and the world feels like slow motion. Nico runs towards him killing monsters along the way in a matter of seconds. Jason's heart will come out of his mouth, he's sure of it. All around him the world is ending and he can't seem to get rid the hum of his pounding pulse in his ear. Nico comes to him and Jason opens his mouth to say something— but Nico kisses him. Jason feels the heat of battle all around him, but it's nothing compared to his body on fire. A very loud thunder rumbles through the sky as Jason pulls Nico close to kiss him back "To storm or fire, the world must fall" and that was the storm. It had to be, because Jason felt he could decimate the world if he felt Nico's lips on his a second longer or if he pulled away.
Nico pulls back a few inches, breathing hard and his face is grimy from the battle.
"You're wearing glasses." Is the first thing he says and it makes Jason smile like an idiot.
"Nice shirt." Jason says and Nico smiles wryly as Jason remembers he loves to see.
Before they can have a conversation, battle calls out to them and they are attacked.
They pull back fighting the monsters. "Where are the others?" Nico asks.
"Everyone's here, just Leo..." Jason swipes at a monster that turns to dust and looks away at the sky. The ship is falling like a fireball.
"Shit." Nico says. "He'll survive, but just in case— for Leo!"
"For Leo!" Jason says and they find themselves fighting back to back against Gaia's army (this art has my heart already). And Jason's brain can assimilate his fight reflexes and still feel his lips tingling and Nico's taste in his mouth. At the same time that he is worried for his life and worried about his friends, Jason feels that his body is going to explode with happiness. The insane mixture of complex and intense feelings mixing like cosmic dust in a nebula getting so absurdly dense that it needs to become a star.
"Nico!" They listen and turn around. Will from cabin 7 is coming over there. He says something to Nico that Jason can't hear but Nico looks worried.
Nico nods to Will and turns to Jason. "I have to go." Jason is confused but nods. Nico pulls Jason down by his shirt and presses their lips together hard and fast. "Don't die." He says simply and Jason can't come up with anything smart enough to answer other than a simple,
"Yes sir."
Nico must have thought Jason is silly as usual, because he smiled and ran off in his red palm tree shirt.
The rest of the battle takes place as in the book. Octavian dies, Leo "dies". After it ends they are talking and Hazel tells them about Leo's plan. And Nico stay with Hazel that night because she's feeling guilty.
The next morning Jason shows up at Nico's door with his glasses crooked and messy hair, and here Nico reaches out and fixes his glasses. It's Nico's POV and he notices that Jason is clearly embarrassed and not knowing what to do.
"Hazel is still sleeping, can we go for a walk?" Jason nods and they walk off together slowly.
Jason asks how Nico felt about Leo's death and Nico says he felt as if he had died, but that he's not sure now. He feels that Leo did take the cure. Jason is all happy and goes to hug Nico but stops in the middle of the movement.
"Sorry, I don't…" he blushes and lowers his arms.
Nico frowns. "'You don't'... what?"
Jason puts his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants. "I don't know if what happened yesterday in the battle was just because of the battle or if—"
Nico can't help but laugh a little. He looks around and there aren't many people around. It will be a while before Nico is ok with public displays of affection— other than in the middle of a battlefield, ofc.
He approaches and hugs Jason by the neck looking him in the eyes, and Jason's blue eyes, just like when Nico kissed him in the middle of the fight, now again have an intensity like lightning stirring inside his irises. Jason relaxes around Nico's arms in the same second. Nico opens his mouth to speak but hears Will calling him. He and Jason look and Will is close by with his hands on his hips.
"You can date later di Angelo. After crossing a continent and an ocean with a statue the size of a building you will stay in the infirmary at least for today." Nico huffs and rolls his eyes. "You can bring a companion." Will jokes and chuckles.
Jason pulls back a little and takes Nico's hand uncertainly, but Nico intertwines their fingers and Jason smiles a little. "I'll see if I'm needed around the Camp and talk to Chiron about quests to search for Leo, but I'll have lunch with you in the infirmary ok?" Nico nods, wanting to tell Will to get out of there because he wants to stay with Jason, help in the camp and look for Leo, he doesn't want to be stuck in an infirmary all day. Jason gives Nico a lingering kiss on the forehead that makes him close his eyes. Jason pulls back a little. "See you later." Nico nods a little lost and Jason gives one of the most charming smiles Nico has ever seen on any boy and walks away a little, but a simple kiss on the forehead caused Nico to be stuck on the ground and unable to move. Jason turns around walking backwards. "Just to know, how do you feel about surprises?"
"Public, no. Quests, no. Just you and me, yes."
Jason gives the same smile, nods and leaves. Nico stands there watching him walk away and feeling his heart melt to the floor like it's standing on quicksand.
"Hello? Do you want me to wait here all day while you daydream?" Will says reminding Nico that he was still there.
Well, Solace was annoying but maybe one more friend for Nico's friends list that now included Reyna, Hazel, Jason, maybe Percy and the others from the prophecy, wouldn't be that bad... Yeah, Nico was going to open up to accepting these people in his life. After all, he didn't regret opening up to Jason or Reyna.
Nico spends the morning and afternoon at the infirmary and Jason shows up with a chocolate brownie smuggled from the dining pavilion, and tells Nico that Chiron has approved that after the camp is fine, they all get together to make groups to search for Leo (as it should have been, honestly Riordan...). A nurse appears to bandage the werewolf injurie that Nico has and Jason sees it. Nico explains the story a little embarrassed, but Jason says.
"If you turned into half wolf then we would both be half wolves." Which makes Nico laugh, and everyone around looks at the son of Hades finding it strange to see him like that, but he ignores them.
Nico snaps his shirt collar back into place. "It's a very ugly scar."
Jason turns his head and shows where the bullet hit him. "I got this one."
Nico looks at him in disbelief and speaks quietly. "As if it doesn't make you even more cute."
Jason shakes his head, his ears a little red. "There are others, not so 'cute'." He gets more serious. "Inside and outside."
Nico understands immediately and his eyes water a little. "Inside and outside." He echoes.
Jason looks at him warily, knowing full well that Nico has literally been to hell and back, not to mention everything else. "They won't go away, never. But we can learn to live with them as best we can."
Nico nods and wipes his eyes quickly. "Do you think it's possible?"
Jason looks at him with affection and certainty. "I'm sure."
At night Jason shows up to pick up Nico with a mischievous smile.
"Should I be scared?" Nico asks walking beside Jason but doesn't have the courage to take his hand with so many people walking around the camp, and Jason notices and doesn't try anything.
"You'll like it, I'm sure."
They reach cabin 1 and go to the back, where there is no one around. Jason approaches and his eyes seem to glow in the dark, the air suddenly feels heavy for Nico with Jason's close proximity.
"May I?" Jason asks quietly and puts his hands close to Nico's waist but doesn't touch him. Nico nods, focused on the eyes next to him watching him as if they can see his soul. In the next second Nico feels Jason's hands gripping his waist and his feet floating off the floor. Nico for a second thinks it's in his head because that's how he feels, but then he notices they're actually flying slowly and he gasps and wraps his arms around Jason's neck and feels Jason chuckle. "I got you." Jason says and gives Nico a kiss on the head.
They reach the ceiling and Nico feels Jason release him carefully. "We're here." Nico let go of him and look around. On the roof of the cabin there is a blue towel, some candles and some bowls with food. In front of the towel is a telescope.
"What...?" Nico tries to say.
Jason takes his hand and begins to guide him to the towel. "Remember that at Camp Jupiter you said you liked to see the stars and I took you to the field of Mars at night to show off teaching you the names of stars and constellations?"
Nico chuckles. "I'm surprised you remember."
They stop in front of the telescope. "While we were building the ship I remembered that day, and it was that memory that made me think we were dating, because I got confused with what was a memory and what was my imagination." Nico looks at him confused and Jason blushes a little, and intertwines his fingers with Nico's. "That was the day I realized I like you. And I realized that because as much as i love to look at the starts, I wanted to spend the whole night looking at you." Jason gets closer and runs a finger caressing Nico's cheek near his eyes, making his breath quicken. "Because they are my favorite night sky." Jason kisses Nico's eye lightly and Nico's brain feels numb. Jason pulls back just a little and with difficulty Nico opens his eyes and tries to focus again. “That's why I got this telescope for you. I wasn't sure who you were, or if I'd ever meet you again, if we were really together, or if you felt the same way about me. But I knew I wanted to show you all the stars you wanted to see."
Nico couldn't wait any longer, and kissed Jason with the calm that their first kiss didn't have. The calm of knowing everything was fine now, and they could finally be each other's without fear, without rushing, without anything but them. But even calmly, with every second, every time Jason's tongue met his with the care of feeling each other like they needed to memorize every taste, or every time Nico sighed between the kiss or felt Jason's warm breath on his cheeks, or Jason's fingers roaming up his back, over his face, into his hair, and Nico pulling Jason closer by his shirt as if it were possible to be closer—Nico's heart raced and was filled with a certainty. And that certainty made him pull away for a second from Jason, just enough to look into his eyes.
"I love you." Nico said and Jason seemed lost, looking from one of Nico's eyes to the other as if to make sure this was real and not a made-up memory. Nico held tightly to the back of his head and looked sure at his favorite morning sky that always had a calm rain that could turn into an unsettling storm at any second. "I love you Jason Grace. And I'm not sure of anything else in the world like I'm sure I love you with every cell in my body."
And Nico saw around Jason's head little blue rays crackle like pure energy, and Jason was breathing hard and unevenly. "I love you." He said it with as much certainty as he could put into his voice. "And all I want is to be in your life in the way and for as long as you want me to."
Nico could have a goddess messing with his memories, go to Tartarus and back, or go through a thousand more wars if he had to, because those words would stay in his mind as a fresh memory and let him know that whatever happens and wherever he is— he has a home to return to, and now he was this home for Jason too.
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every-dayiwakeup · 1 year
Text
I've got a few things to get off my chest:
🔵The next time I see anyone saying "yeah he died and apologized but it's still not enough" my response will be:
So tell Jesus that sacrifice isn't enough and neither is "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing".
Actions speak louder than words, and on top of that Billy's last words were an apology.
But I guess when you add it all up in the Catholic calculator, it means absolutely nothing.
Too much talk of change without mentioning the integral step for change, which would be getting Billy support and him leaving his abusers.
We write fanfictions where he gets to do that because canon would not give it to us, which is ultimately what fanfiction's sole purpose is.
Unpopular opinion maybe, but I don't think Billy is the one that needs to change here. I believe that his environment makes all the difference, and even then it sure as hell won't be easy.
There's nothing wrong with him, and I often see people overexaggerating "what he's done".
Why aren't other characters in the hot seat? Why specifically Billy? Why are any characters obligated to make up for whatever they've done?
Fiction gifts us escapism, and I've seen an uptake in people blurring the lines between the two.
I don't want Billy to change who he is, and I think it's kind of funny that to some, being in a relationship with Steve (or anyone) will "fix him". Let's not act like Steve Harrington doesn't repress his emotions. He's also like 19, and it makes no sense to me that anyone would want to be in a relationship with someone who's goal isn't to love you, but to "fix you" somehow until you're "worthy of love".
You're basically dating a therapist.
🔵Let Billy Hargrove be messy. Quite frankly other characters should be, too! He is a textbook abuse victim, and if you can't accept or bother to understand what abuse does to someone, that's a you problem.
Let characters make mistakes. Relating to Billy aside, I enjoy him because he stands alone among npc characters, and I firmly believe if not for the narrative:
not being able to handle him
trying to reduce him to a joke like damn near every other character (yes hahaha have a bunch of forty year olds creepily watch a teenager, and just for extra laughs let's make him look like a homewrecker and his groomer a feminist!)
framing said victim repeatedly as the big bad teenage "oh he's mature looking" boy (like we don't have enough of that bullshit 😒)
going directly against Dacre's Billy (pushing the whole womanizer thing for one... "happy screams" 😑)
guiding an immature audience to hating a character because he's not a main
refusing to condemn canon abusers while shitting on an abuse victim (for the love of fucking hell, if you feel the need to tell your audience who to hate and who to root for, then I guess you don't think you've done enough of a job as a writer)
... maybe just maybe viewers wouldn't hate or misunderstand Billy as much. Plus in addition to overexaggerating they also tell blatant untruths, so there's that.
I don't know about y'all, but I don't see the point in herding people to like or dislike characters. Let them come up with a conclusion on their own.
I wouldn't even give a flying fuck about what other characters in ST have done, had it not been for the general fandom demonizing one character while putting on their hypocrite hats and their bloated sense of self morality.
They act like Billy is worse than Vecna, Brenner, those bullies in season 1... They refuse to even bring up Neil, and conveniently "forget" that Billy was possessed for most of s3.
The only people I really see making excuses are Brenner and Vecna stans. Oh, and Jason, too.
I don't really care who stans who, but if we're going to keep playing this bullshit morality policing game (with fictional characters 💀), let's not act like the worst character on TV is Billy Hargrove.
Seriously, I can come up with a list of characters (Stranger Things included) who are worse.
The difference being it doesn't keep me up at night... because they're not fucking real.
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This might seem like a weirdly personal question, but do you have any advice on managing strong romantic feelings for a fictional character and/or the actor who plays them? I only ask because after seeing MoM, I developed some feelings for Wanda, and by extension Elizabeth Olsen herself, that feel about as close to love as you can get without directly knowing the person. I know how this would come across to a lot of people so I will say upfront that I’ve never considered stalking or harassing her in any way, and that whatever interaction I might have with her would be on her terms in a setting she’s comfortable with. That being said, I also hold myself to a high standard in how I feel about her and have a lot of guilt or anxiety about other emotions, some of them trivial like feeling bad that I didn’t watch Wandavision when it first came out, and some more intense like even though I want to work in movies and maybe with Elizabeth herself, I’m not smart enough to be a writer and director and create something worthy of her talents. And in certain times, there’s also angst over not ever having a chance to be with her or even Wanda romantically followed by guilt over being that selfish in wanting her for myself. Sorry if this is going on too long but essentially, are there strategies you or someone you know are familiar with for keeping an affection for someone like this in your life in a healthy way, because I do appreciate the good aspects of Elizabeth’s talent and Wanda’s story but not letting the negative feelings on my part get in the way. Sorry if this is gets too personal but thank you for your time.
No apology needed at all, dear! It's alright. Thank you for reaching out.
I'm afraid I know very little about these things, to be honest. The way I see it, all emotions are exactly the same. If we're okay with people laughing or crying over a story, why would other emotions be a problem? It's a fantasy after all. Real or not doesn't really change anything, humans have developed so many different forms of communication precisely because we love telling stories to each other -- none of them are real, but that doesn't make them any less valuable.
I believe the question you need to ask yourself is if this is affecting your life in any way, as in your real-life relationships, your mental well-being, your work, your responsibilities, etc. But if it isn't, there's nothing wrong with fantasizing or feeling. Wanda is a fictional character after all so whatever you do or say is not going to hurt her, and regarding Elizabeth you seem to have it figured out just fine as well. So, is it hurting you?
As for the other less pleasant feelings such as anxiety, guilt, etc, I can only assume that if you have romantic feelings for her and Wanda, you will experience everything that comes with that. Love isn't always nice, is it? Be it with a real person or not, sometimes it's messy and painful.
Personally, I wouldn't try to fight against those feelings or bottle them up, that would only make things worse. Just allow yourself to feel them, maybe do something creative with them like write fanfic or draw or talk to other fans about it, etc. Or just fantasize about it in your own way, whatever makes you 'feel' is good enough -- both pleasant and non-pleasant are okay, maybe you can try to change the perspective and see those emotions as a gateway to understanding yourself better. I know the non-pleasant ones suck big time, but they can be helpful.
A quick google search says this is "fictosexuality". There must be some forums online with people who discuss this kind of thing, they'll probably give you better advice than me since I don't really know much about this. I'm sorry I can't be of better help here but know that you're not alone.
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