so just let me have this. just let me have this moment in time, away from the world. let me believe i am wanted for just a moment.

then i will go back to knowing i am irredeemable.

Opening To Change: Learning How To Let Go.

Change hasn't always been an easy thing for me. In the beginning, I had suppressed myself in order to hold on to things that didn't need saving. Holding on to friendships that lasted since high school, to deeply trying to change the circumstances with me and another lover just so we wouldn't have to break-up. I made it my mission for long-term things to stay inside of me for as long as possible, til I realized it was the death of me. I was killing my insides all because I would have to face being alone for a while. And it worked.. until it didn't. My health declined, and I was forced into the unknown because your health and spirituality due tie closely together after all. Believe it or not, the moment I had to go to the hospital I realized I had no one left, but my mom of course. But in those moments I had to understand it would be more them. Because my circumstances were making me sick, all because I chose to stay in it.

Don't get me wrong, the people in my life are not to blame for my health declining. It was my choices that I kept for the longest. Not wanting to switch to becoming vegan, not wanting to travel alone or do anything by myself, always waiting and wasting away... Because I was scared to be and do things, alone.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

Alone. Alone. Alone.

It sounded terrifying.

Having to be by yourself is one thing, but being alone with your THOUGHTS?

Thats a different type of hell.

Having to let go made me accept the things I could not change, but helped me see that there was a reason why I had to move on.

As much as it hurt, I couldn't just walk away with the pain.. I had to make something out of it.

At some point I would let go of all my sorrows by walking to the waterfalls near home, and communing with my ancestors & God Almighty themselves.

I NEEDED this. I needed the friends to mistreatment, the exs to misunderstand me. The family members to not appreciate my talents, my skills, my appreciation for them, etc. I had to see it. So that I could let go. I'm open to change because I know that there is more for me around that corner I have been peaking on the other side of. Remember me & my truth, is the exact reason that faith in beside me & I go where God & the mountains tell me to go. I dont NEED the same old energies to see me, I need me. So being alone worked, because it helped me face myself & overcome the damages that society had placed near my doorstep as a little girl. I had to accept the fact that most people that I loved, would not adore me as I did them. So I changed my structure, and changed the way I thought of them in the process. This was so that the new me could take shape, and I could feel the power of love that had been missing for so many days.

So as I write this, if you're problem is with letting go of people, environments, and so on so forth, you have to check within first. Because its YOU that you aren't letting go of. So it focuses on the things around you externally, then internally. Guess you have to decide whether it'll be your insides or the out. But all in all, one will win this round. You just gotta choose you more often. K? <3

The poll was even between the Suit™ and Dress™ so I started with the suit

We water ourselves down to make others comfortable, so as they rise towards the sun we shrivel into the soil.

Finding Nemo nails disabled family dynamics

Finding Nemo is, above all, about family and change. "Marlin, a clown fish, is overly cautious with his son, Nemo, who has a foreshortened fin. When Nemo  swims too close to the surface to prove himself, he is caught by a diver, and,  horrified, Marlin must set out to find him." (JWelch5742, IMDB) Despite Nemo   being the title character, Marlin is the one who has the most character development.

He has to learn not to assume Nemo's capabilities just because he has a disability. Finding Nemo provides a very subtle disability representation. Nemo's undeveloped fin is nicknamed his "lucky fin," which is a simple way to acknowledge he is different without drawing attention. On the superficial level, it creates a positive association with being different. 

At the film's start, we learn that Nemo's disability was caused by trauma when a barracuda attacked his family. Because Nemo is the only child of Marlin that survived, it is assumed that Marlin is overprotective because of his trauma. In real life, a trauma like this is not necessary for a parent to become overprotective. It naturally comes with the territory when a child has a disability. It is believable that Marlin becomes an overprotective dad. This is the part of the film I related to as a child. Fighting my dad for independence was a struggle. As a child, I didn't perceive my life as challenging or think that I needed any extra help. The film does an excellent job of subtly incorporating realistic disabled family relationships.  

The film does not directly address disability stereotypes. The stereotype it constantly mentions as a joke is that every clownfish must be funny. This was a  hilarious joke as a child and very surface-level. Having the joke repeated so many times as Marlin's first interaction with every new character, mimics how people often think it is appropriate to reference a visible disability as a conversation starter; and how they are usually let down by the response.  

When Nemo goes to school for the first time and meets other classmates, one immediately points out and laughs that "he looks funny!". The fish's dad proceeds to nudge him and say, "be nice; it's his first time at school." This accurately represents how parents react to kids referencing a person's disability. In this instance, an intervention may have been warranted because of the laugh. It reminds me of situations in places like the grocery store when kids ask their parents, "what's wrong with his legs?" or "why does he use those?" (in reference to crutches). These innocently curious questions are actually non-judgmental ways of asking why I am "different." Nemo's response to the student noticing his fin is to explain he was born with it and it's "lucky." This is another example of framing Nemo's differences as a positive.

Source

IMDB. (2003, May 30 ). Finding Nemo. IMDb. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0266543/

letting go

Letting someone go is hard. I'm sorry I hurt you. We can't continue this anymore. How are you doing? I hope you're suffering as much as me. It's better that we go our separate ways. I can't bare to look at you right now. I wish I could give you a hug. I blocked your number. I'm waiting for you to call. We were toxic together. You understood me in a way no one else could. We were doomed from the start. We had great times together. I don't want to see you ever again. I wish you the best of luck.

Revive - perspective change and reconnection of mind with feelings & emotions

"Das Leben findet einen Weg."

I started taking myself on dates - and they weren’t grand gestures, I didn’t spend thousands of dollars, or visit new places with crystal ceilings and golden floors. I went to the places I’d always begged to go to with someone whom I wanted to be closer with, only to be faced with rejection time and time again. I sat alone with myself and asked the hardest questions to answer, like why I continue to chase after those who consistently prove they won’t show up for me. Why I allow myself to be treated as an asteroid when I make the very people who brush me off the center of my ever-expanding universe. Why I put so much stock into their character and place so much hope on their shoulders, when they’ve consistently shown my feelings are nothing but a burden to them and their desires. I realized that I wasn’t loving myself by loving them, no matter how much I wanted to. I realized I’d been cutting myself into bite-sized pieces, only to reassure myself and them that I wasn’t bleeding onto the floor as the blood gushed from my wounds. I nearly destroyed myself and all I wanted to be, trying to be someone else for those who never even tried to meet me halfway. I changed so much, while not changing at all. I waited so long, for others, and for my true self. I wanted to be saved, yet the person who answered my prayers ended up being none other than myself. I spoke my new normal into existence, I worked my new normal into existence, and I sacrificed for my new normal to come into existence. I am not, nor will I ever be perfect… but I am worthy - and I’m glad it only took me almost 6 years to learn that, instead of 10 or 20 💛 may the future I forge forward in be just as merciful as it is kind 💕✨

So weit, so gut: Kurz die Tür zu den Stunden schließen, um die Füße in den Schnee zu stellen. Grauweißes Viertel, eisige Luft friert die Gedanken ein, bringt Wahrnehmung zurück ins Jetzt. Wenn das Rauschen verstummt, spürt man die Kälte der Welt noch mehr. Aber wenn das Rauschen verstummt, werden auch die Sinne wieder klarer für die Kleinigkeiten am Rande des Weges, unter den Sträuchen, in den Höfen. Wenn das Rauschen verstummt, werden einige Fragen weniger drängend, die man ohnehin nicht beantworten kann.

[ID: On a bright cyan square black words read, “This is how ghosts are made, isn’t it? Running your mind over old pathways, again and again, thinking up ways to bring back the bonds that were severed? You dream of it by night, and wallow in it by day. You do this for years that turn into decades until it becomes all that you do; this carrying of old hope and old dreams.”

/end ID]

Do you know what it is to be an empath?

Seems a joke to you I know. How could someone else possibly know what you’re feeling.

Surely it must all be for show.

When you raised us to read the room & like a chameleon change skins

How can you expect me to believe that this gift is a Satan sent sin?

You’re living in denial & I can tell you why. It’s because you know I’ve felt it all & I know where your emotions lie.

The crushing wave of guilt & the intensity of your regret. I felt it all for 5 of you & I haven’t crumbled yet.

You see being an empath means that I am more in tune to your emotion

But it also means that deep inside there’s a calamity, commotion.

I struggle sometimes to sort them like colour coding jelly beans,

Which emotions are yours and which belong to me. It’s not as easy as it seems.

So forgive me if I take a while or if I sometimes just shut down.

Feeling it all for everyone… if I didn’t let you go I’d drown.

I had my weekly therapy session today and we discussed some stuff from my childhood that I realized isn't normal. It was somewhere between describing one specific incident that started a snowball of other stories to arise, pushing all these suppressed memories to the forefront of my mind. I cried silently, brushing away the tears quickly and moving forward with my story. My therapist noticed this and asked, "Why aren't you letting yourself feel these emotions? You're not allowing yourself to cry." I laughed, swiping at the continuous flow. "I don't know," I shrugged. "My dad never really liked crying."

catalysts, protectors