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farfromharry · 3 years

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Never knew the proper story | Prince!Harrison fic

Summary: He thought they had a love like Verona's, too bad he never knew the proper story.

Word count - 21,515

Warnings - language, animal death, arranged marriage, fluff, angst?

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June 3rd - 10:41am

Thomas was arguably Harrisons only friend in the world. The two had more or less grown up together, side by side, but with very different upbringings. Harrison had been raised as a Prince, of course, royal treatment day in and day out, more stuff than he could ever need. But Tom, Tom was the eldest son of a stable worker. The eldest of four boys to be exact, and the man that took care of the royal family's horses.

He earned a wage enough to feed a family of three, let alone a family of six, something Harrison would be determined to change when he was old enough to do so.

The walk down to the stables was always enjoyable for young Harrison. Excitement would always flood the nine year old’s senses at the thought of being able to see Moonlight, but this time was vastly different.

As he stepped inside the dirty stable there was no usual noise of his giddy horse, or the sound of the few workers chaotically tending to the stallions.

“Mr Holland?” the young boy called. His eyes were roaming the insides of the stable, looking for the main man that cared for the horses. Instead he spotted a boy that wasn’t much smaller and didn’t look any younger than him.

“Hello,” he greeted. “Are you okay?”

Harrison nodded, not quite sure how to approach the boy. The Prince didn’t really know much about children his age, having grown up without any friends that weren’t guards meant to babysit him, so he didn’t have very many social skills in a situation so informal.

“I came to see my horse, Mr Holland told me he wasn’t feeling well.” His voice was quiet to the point where the other boy had to pretty much strain his ears to hear what he said.

“Ah, Prince Harrison,” the man said, placing his hands on his son's shoulders. Tom’s eyes almost bulged out of his head at the realisation that the Prince was standing right in front of him. “I see you’ve met my son, Thomas.”

Tom awkwardly waved, looking between his dad and the visibly uncomfortable boy.

“I-I came to see Moon,” he said, looking at the man with teary, puppy dog eyes. At his young age, Harrison didn’t really understand the concept of his horse being sick, he thought it meant his precious pet was going to die, and he didn’t want that at all, he’d do anything in his power to prevent it from happening.

“Tom here's been taking good care of him today,” he explained, leading the two boys over to the horse. “He’s doing okay, sir.”

Harrison looked up at the older man with hopeful puppy dog eyes, praying that he was telling the truth. He sat on the floor next to the horse, placing a gentle hand on his body to stroke his fur.

Moonlight was a beautiful stallion. Pearly white fur and light coloured mane decorating the large body of the gentle horse. Harrison and even Tom’s father were certain they’d never met a more gentle animal.

The boy he’d learned to be Thomas sat across from him, sitting criss-cross with a tight lipped smile in the lingering awkward silence.

Mr Holland left the two alone when he was sure they’d be able to start their own conversation to keep them amused, sensing Harrison also wanted to spend some time with his horse.

After a while of silence he spoke up, catching Tom’s attention from where he was sitting on the hay.

“We didn’t formally introduce ourselves,” Harrison said. Tom’s eyebrows furrowed, his lack of education meaning that he didn’t actually understand what the Prince had just said to him. He looked at him as though he was speaking another language and Harrison blushed slightly, thinking he’d done something to embarrass himself. He brushed it off though, holding his hand out to the brunette with a comforting smile.

“I’m Harrison.”

With the simple action Tom understood, slipping his hand into the blondes.

“I’m Tom.”

That was over a decade ago now, the two boys now nineteen, and from that day on the two would cause complete havoc anywhere they went. Tom was forever in debt to Harrison’s family, his close friendship with their son being one of the main reasons his family was still alive, even though Harrison would often tell him it was nothing but common decency.

Harrison was currently helping tutor Tom’s youngest brother. In his defense, Tom had tried, but his minor experience in education was simply not enough to assist. Harrison’s high level, expensive, Prince worthy education however, was more than enough to help his brother learn how to read higher level books.

“Can you read that one for m-“ He was interrupted by the sudden movement from Tom, the two males' heads turning in his direction like he’d gone mad.

Tom jumped up from the bed as soon as he saw the Queen entering the room, not wanting to seem disrespectful to the woman who could have him imprisoned or even killed in a heartbeat, even though Harrison would never allow it.

The other male took his time getting to his feet, not seeking the urgency to please his mother as much as his best friend. Tom tried to signal for his brother to show some manners, but Harrison urged him to continue with his reading.

“Your majesty.” Harrison rolled his eyes, slapping Tom’s shoulder as a sign to get up from his bow. He’d assumed the boy had known him long enough to not have to greet his mother with a bow and such a formal greeting every time he saw her.

“Oh, Thomas, Patrick, hello,” she greeted, flashing them a nervous smile. Tom glanced between his best friend and his best friend’s mother, sensing some kind of underlying tension that he definitely didn’t want to watch unfold.

“There’s a uh- a horse I need to attend to, in the stables,” he lied, a painfully fake smile on his face, one that no one was believing. “Yeah, a horse.”

Paddy furrowed his eyebrows, scolding Tom when he practically dragged him out of his seat. “Come on, Paddy.”

The young boy just had enough time to grab his book, waving goodbye to Harrison as he was quickly ushered out of the room.

Tom didn’t even say goodbye before he left, quickly rushing out of the Prince’s chambers to the stables where he’d said he’d be, he could at least keep up with that part of his lie.

Harrison let out a deep sigh, taking a seat on the edge of his four-poster bed ready for whatever painful conversation was about to happen.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a little while as his mother thought about what she was going to tell her son, sending him a pitying glance that turned into a stern look.

“Now I already know that you aren’t going to be happy about this,” she began. Harrison quietly scoffed, busying himself by playing with the cuffs of his shirt. He tuned out the sound of his mother’s voice, something anyone else in the entire Kingdom wouldn’t even dream of doing for the sake of keeping their heads- well that might be slightly dramatic, but Harrison was already pissed off.

There were four words that caught his attention and would’ve knocked him off of his feet if he were standing. “You’re getting married.”

“What?”

»»——⍟——««

Tom didn’t really have anything to do in the stables, and everyone in the Prince’s room had already known that, so he just had to busy himself with anything while Paddy sat down to continue his reading. Tom spent a little bit of time with Harrison’s horse, talking to him about nonsense. He more or less expected to be alone in the stables, other than the ten year old of course, of who wasn’t paying attention, but normally it was just Tom and the horses, sometimes Harrison too.

So he most definitely wasn’t expecting an audience to his conversation with a horse...

He was too caught up to notice the pretty lady standing by the door, quietly giggling at how he probably seemed insane. She chose to speak up eventually though, feeling like she’d already intruded enough.

“Hello?” Tom’s head perked up at the sound of the feminine voice. He stepped out from behind the stallion, noticing a lady that didn’t look like she belonged in a stable at all.

“Can i help you?” he asked kindly, running his hand through the loose curls on his head, brushing them out of his eyes. His eyes roamed her face like he was in some sort of trance, his heart beginning to race.

She flashed him a nervous smile that had butterflies erupting in Tom’s stomach.

“I’m Delilah, I just wanted to come and see the horses, I was informed they’re lovely.”

His eyes widened slightly at the mention of her name, but he nodded in his trance like state, making the lady giggle. He was unable to pinpoint where he’d heard that name before.

“Are you alright?” she asked, snapping Tom out of it. He nodded his head, a pink blush creeping its way onto his cheeks.

“Sorry, I feel like I’ve heard that name somewhere,” he explained, running a hand through his hair once again. She flashed him a grin, one that showed off her pearly whites and convinced Tom he could fall in love right there.

“Well, I suppose I should have greeted myself properly.” She took a deep breath, putting on some kind of façade that she was used to wearing in the company of others, to mask her disappointment.

It hit Tom like a horse and cart, the male having a quick moment of realisation.

“Princess Delilah?” he muttered, staring at her wide eyed. She nodded her head sadly, sending him a tight lipped smile.

“That would be me, yes.” His eyebrows drew together in confusion, the pieces not really adding up. Why would a Princess from another Kingdom come here unannounced?

“If you don’t mind me asking, why are you here?” He tried to sound as kind as possible, the man was genuinely curious. “I-In the kingdom i mean.”

He noticed her face drop slightly, but she quickly covered it up with another one of her bright smiles.

“I’m afraid I’m not allowed to discuss that.” Tom respected her words, understanding that she could probably get into trouble if he was to pry it out of her. He would still probably ask Harrison anyway, seeing as that’s most likely what his mother wanted to discuss.

The topic was quickly changed so that the atmosphere wouldn’t be so awkward, the young boy in the corner of the room catching Delilah’s eye, thankfully giving her something else to talk about.

“And who’s this?” she asked politely. Paddy didn’t look up from his book, making Tom silently curse him out in his head.

“This is my brother, Paddy.” At the mention of his name he looked up, sending a confused smile to the two adults. Her eyes caught the cover of the book in his hands, peaking her interest.

“What are you reading?” she asked. Tom’s heart fluttered slightly, making a mental note that the Princess was good with kids. She obviously lived up to the sweetheart title the population of her Kingdom had so kindly graced her with, one that was famous enough that it carried through to other places.

“Romeo and Juliet.”

He could see her face light up with recognition, a sparkle coming to her eye as she looked at the well looked after copy of the book.

“That’s one of my favourites, I like that it’s different.”

Tom felt slightly silly that he didn’t know what they were talking about. He felt as though the ten year old was managing to bond with the Princess better than he was.

He nervously stuttered out. “Why is it different?”

He only felt brainless when they both stared at him. Part of him felt like he was being judged for not understanding the simple things behind the story that he hadn’t- no, couldn’t even read.

“It shows that not all love stories end happily,” Paddy explained, looking up at the wiser woman for confirmation. She giggled quietly, nodding her head at the boy.

Delilah let out a sigh, flashing Tom another smile that could convince him to do just about anything she asked him to.

“I should get going, I have to get ready for later,” she mumbled. “It was nice meeting you Tom.”

Like the kind gentleman he was, he bowed to the Lady, earning a playful eye roll from the Princess.

“The honour was mine,” Tom flirted, sending her a teasing smirk.

Paddy faked a cough, drawing their attention away from each other’s eyes and back to the real world. “It was nice to meet you.”

The Princess shook the child’s hand, nodding her head in agreeance. “Tell me how you like the book once you’re finished.”

Without another word she was gone, her beautiful pale blue dress flowing behind her in the faint summer breeze. Tom watched her go, mesmerized by the simple way she moved.

“You’re in love, aren’t you?” His words broke Tom out of his daze. Paddy may only be young, but he wasn’t silly. He could still clearly see the blush that had been coating Tom’s cheeks while he had spoken with the lovely Princess.

“Even if I was, it doesn’t matter,” he simply stated, not confirming nor denying Paddy’s statement.

“Why not?”

“She’s obviously here for a reason, and I’m not going to be the reason a royal deal is ruined,” he explained simply. “Harrison would kill me.”

Before anymore could be spoken on the matter, Harrison barged through the door with an angry scowl on his face, muttering some nonsense under his breath that either boys were able to decipher.

Tom called Harrison’s name, telling him to calm down and try to stop his racing thoughts before he spoke. He watched his friend take a deep breath, composing himself.

“You will never believe what my mother’s just told me.” Tom hummed for him to continue, telling Paddy to go and sit outside the stable, somewhere he wouldn’t hear their private conversation. The young boy huffed, standing up from the hay. He headed to sit on a patch of dry grass against the stone wall opposite the wooden barn, sending daggers at his oldest brother.

“They want me to marry the Princess of-“ That was all Tom heard. His heart sank into a pit in his stomach, any happy emotions about their earlier interactions were gone. “I can’t believe it.”

“Why’s that?” he asked, trying to act like he didn’t absolutely despise the idea just as much as his best friend did.

“I don’t want to marry some stranger, Tom.” He rolled his eyes at the prince, stroking his hand down the centre of the horses’ nose. Honestly, he did feel bad that his friend didn’t have a say in who he got to marry, but at the end of the day he was still marrying a princess, and that’s more than Tom could ever do, especially Delilah.

“She’s very beautiful,” he said, trying to at the least make things sound better for his friend. Harrison shot him a look of confusion.

“How do you know?” he asked.

Tom let out a sigh. “She came down to the stables just before you got here, said she wanted to look at the horses,” he shrugged. Harrison stared at him like he’d gone insane. “What?”

“You can’t be serious,” he stated, finding it hard to believe that the ‘proper lady’ that had been described to him could ever find herself willingly in a stable. Her mother was adamant she would never step foot in such a place, another thing that made him so hesitant, horses were a big part of his life.

“Why would I lie?” Tom challenged, holding his best friend’s stare. Harrison eventually gave in, letting out a groan as he ran his fingers through his hair for the hundredth time.

“She’s nice, she was good with Paddy, so she’s good with kids,” Tom said. “That’s a good thing.”

His eyes widened, throwing his arms in the air.

“How is that a good thing?” he asked. Tom rolled his eyes, flicking his pointer finger against the back of Harrison’s head, receiving him a glare.

“In a marriage, people normally have children-“

“Fuck,” Harrison cursed. “I didn’t even think of that, do you think they’ll want us to have kids?”

Harrison’s brain felt like it was going to explode, all of this information at once becoming overwhelming for the young man.

“Probably, if you’re going to rule one day they’ll want you to have heirs, Harrison.”

He placed his hand on the blonde's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him while he was clearly in distress.

Tom didn’t know if he’d ever heard his best friend sound so helpless. Normally, he always knew how to approach any situation head on. “What am I going to do?”

»»——⍟——««

June 3rd, 7:00pm

The Prince had been on edge since the conversation with his mother this morning. She’d found him wandering the castle later in the day and informed him of a spontaneous ball they were throwing in honour of their guests, one that she had forgotten to tell him about.

Harrison had rolled his eyes, leaving her without another word to go and find the stable boy so he could guilt trip him into coming with him.

Now a few hours later and here they were, standing above the crowd of the overcrowded ballroom, chatter and music making it hard to think, let alone have a proper conversation.

Tom had had to slow Harrison’s alcohol intake down, the male already having tried to take up to three glasses from passing by servers.

“You need to calm down,” Tom instructed, wanting to keep his friend sober so he didn’t say or do anything he didn’t mean in the moment and embarrass himself

The older male decided on the perfect distraction when he saw his younger brothers approaching.

The ball was open to those of the Kingdom who could afford to dress up, and luckily for Tom, Harrison would provide him with anything he needed if he wanted his family here.

In the end only Harry and Sam had decided to come, but that still meant the lads parents were getting a well deserved break from all their responsibilities, seeing as Paddy was capable of keeping to himself for a few hours.

“Your highness,” Sam teased, over exaggerating a bow to the Prince. He rolled his eyes, lightly swatting the back of the brunette’s head, flashing him an innocent smile.

“What have you been doing?” Tom asked.

“We’ve been trying to find some lovely ladies to dance with,” the younger twin explained.

The Prince rolled his eyes, scanning the dance floor for any potential guests for his friend’s brothers, they were only sixteen, so it was a difficult task when you didn’t have many options.

“Well, take your pick, and I’d even encourage you to go for those two over there.” Of course Harrison was pointing to two of the women his mother had named as other potential brides for him if he ruined the deal with the Princess’ family. He knew if Harry and Sam were to pursue them, his mother would most likely flip, and oh how he enjoyed when that happened.

“Aren’t they-“ Tom began. He cut his friend off with a look, chuckling and shaking his head.

“Let them have their fun Thomas,” he said, a devious smirk plastered on his face. He turned to the twins, noticing how the two were already planning what they would say to the fancy women. “Cause as much inconvenience to my mother as you’d like.”

The pair scattered off into the crowd, Tom not hesitating to hit the Prince’s bicep for encouraging their mischief.

“You’re going to get them in trouble.”

“They’re smart, they’ll be perfectly fine,” he defended.

The two men continued to wait for any sign of the Princess. With most women he could tell, as awful as it sounded, but some didn’t look cut out to be a princess.

That’s why he was certain he’d spotted her when she showed up at the top of the steps. Her hair was shining, loosely flowing down her back as her hazel eyes came in to focus with the flickering candle light of the large room. Her hands carefully dropped the golden fabric of her gown when she’d come to a stand still, allowing Harrison to admire her, completely, from afar. Beauty.

“Is that her?” he asked. Tom wasn’t given the chance to answer before Harrison was jumping in again. “She’s bea-“

“Not here yet,” Tom interrupted, looking at his best friend in confusion. Harrison turned to him with a furrowed brow, cocking his head.

He pointed to the top of the stairs where she was standing nervously, fiddling with the hems of her sleeves while she scanned the sea of smartly dressed individuals below. “Then who is she?”

Tom followed his stare to see her standing there. He was also slightly taken off guard when he saw her face, his jaw going slack. Harrison slapped his arm as a way of warning, silently having claimed the mystery girl as his, already, even if she wasn’t the Princess he was meant to be falling head over heels for.

“Let’s find out,” Tom smirked, starting to swiftly walk towards her. Harrison tried to call him back, cursing under his breath at the confidence his friend held.

“Tom, don’t you dare,” he warned. He simply received a swift middle finger from the male. Harrison let out a snort, covering it up with a cough when some of the guards gave him a stern look. This was surprisingly a common occurrence with the two males when it came to the guards of the castle.

Even growing up around the Prince, Tom wasn’t as polished as Harrison was, and had actually rubbed off on him some. Of course the Queen wasn’t happy about that, scolding her son every time he did something she wouldn’t class as ‘royal behaviour’, whatever that meant. So the authority in the castle often had times over the years where they had to scold the Prince for acting like a commoner, a word Harrison despised for the sake of his best friend.

Although he still had to remember that this was a proper, formal meeting with the royal family of the neighbouring country, so he had to be on his best behaviour. That meant also controlling his manic best friend who was now introducing himself to the beautiful Lady.

“I’m Thomas, but you can call me Tom, darling,” he lifted her hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss on the back of it. She felt her body growing hot, trying to act calm as if this very attractive man wasn’t greeting her out of nowhere. She wasn’t sure she’d ever been given as much male attention, especially not from someone so kind.

“I’m Annette,” she giggled. “But you can call me Annie.”

“It’s very nice to meet you Annie.” He had that silly smile on his face that Harrison recognised every time Tom tried to flirt. He met the two at the top of the stairs, standing beside them awkwardly rocking on his feet.

She turned to look at Harrison and he was almost breathless seeing her up close. Annie felt herself grow nervous at the blank look on his face. If she thought Tom was attractive, she had another thing coming when she saw Harrison. Her heart fluttered when she saw the blonde staring at her.

“I-I’m Harrison,” he stuttered, acting as though he wasn’t blushing profusely like a school boy with a crush. Her eyes stayed locked on his, the corners of her lips twisting up into a soft smile.

“P-Prince Harrison?” she asked, her voice shaky slightly. He nodded, his heart sinking slightly. “It’s very nice to meet you, your highness.”

Tom tried to hold back his laughter as she curtsied for the male, knowing that Harrison hated that kind of treatment from people.

“I’m Annette,” she stated. She almost melted when Harrison took her hand like Tom had. The Prince bowed to kiss her hand, flashing her a smile that made her knees weak.

“I don’t believe I’ve seen you before,” he said. “I apologise if this is rude but, who exactly are you, love?”

Annie’s heart melted at the sweet nickname falling from his lips, her hands beginning to sweat slightly as she grew more and more nervous at the idea of messing this interaction up. She was convinced she might die if she embarrassed herself right now.

“I’m just a handmaiden to the Princess, nothing of importance,” she explained, a light chuckle following her words. Harrison shrugged, a flirty smile much like Toms decorating his lips. Now Harrison still didn’t have very many informal social skills, but he had turned out to be a natural flirt, even when he didn’t really notice he was doing it.

“I would say that’s an important job, having to get the Princess ready and proper,” he said, turning to the male. “Wouldn’t you Tom?”

He rolled his eyes. “I would, and speaking of, where is the Princess?”

Annie was glad that they’d changed the subject of the conversation so quickly, just so Harrison couldn’t see the silly grin that had blossomed on her face when he complimented her job.

“She’s a little bit nervous, but she should be here by now.” Harrison noted that she was angsty, unable to stand still as she waited to see if the Princess was even going to show.

It was an awkward few minutes of Harrison checking his shiny, golden pocket-watch every few minutes, mentally noting that the Princess was late. While Tom attempted to keep conversation with their new friend.

“Ah, Annie.” The girl turned her head, a thankful smile planting itself on her face. “I’m sorry for keeping you,” she apologised, greeting the other royal with a polite curtsy.

“No worries, Princess.”

She smiled at the group of three, noticing the familiar face along with her best friends, her eyes lingered on the dressed up stable boy for a second. She giggled, pointing a finger at him accusingly.

“From the stable,” she said. Tom nodded, shooting his friend an ‘I told you so’ look. “Nice to see you again.”

Harrison rolled his eyes, punching his friend's shoulder to tell him to shut up.

Upon his first meeting with Delilah, he didn’t feel the connection like he did with Annie, and the Princess was certain she hadn’t felt the connection like she’d felt with Tom. In Fact it seemed like Thomas had more of a connection with Delilah than the blonde did. Harrison was pretty sure he’d managed to screw up this deal before it had even properly begun.

“Shall we?” she asked, nodding in the direction of the ballroom floor, dragging him out of his thoughts before he could get too lost. He sent one last lingering look at Annie, one she returned, before he nodded his head at Delilah.

He took her hand with a forced smile, sending a glance in the direction of Tom and Annie, who had now been left alone, as he descended the steps with the Princess. He noticed how Tom seemed to be making her laugh, jealousy tugging at his heart at how his best friend could easily make her swoon.

But still he noticed the way she beamed at him, her smile causing butterflies in Harrison’s stomach. He watched as Tom politely offered her his hand, and he could almost hear his friend’s voice in his head asking her to dance.

“Harrison,” Delilah hissed, snapping his attention back to the girl on his arm. He hummed, silently asking what was wrong. “Take my waist.”

As he looked around he noticed numerous pairs of eyes on them as they waited for the soon to be engaged couple to begin to dance together. He grew nervous at all the sets of eyes, feeling as though they were silently judging him.

“Sorry,” he mumbled, clearing his throat. He slipped his hands around her waist, holding her close to him, while hers circled around his neck.

Harrison felt bad that his eyes were practically glued to the way Annie flowed so gracefully across the floor in Tom’s arms, rather than on the girl he should be focusing on.

She raised her hand to his jaw, gently turning his chin so the striking blue of his eyes met hers. He could see the sympathy all over her face.

“I take it you don’t want to marry me?”

He didn’t expect her to bring that up so bluntly.

“I don’t even know, how could I possibly say that? I barely know you.” He didn’t know how she felt, and Harrison wasn’t going to jeopardise everything for the sake of a girl he’d met a few seconds ago, compared to the woman that was going to be his wife.

She rolled her eyes. “You’re practically drooling over Annie.”

He became defensive, shaking his head. “I’m not, really, I was just-“ He tried to come up with a quick lie, swallowing nervously. “I was looking at her dress, i-it’s bright and-“

“I don’t want to marry you either.” He let out a breath of air.

“Oh thank God.” She giggled, the man joining in with a more than relieved chuckle. The two had to reassure each other that they just weren’t ready and it was nothing personal, because truly it wasn’t. It didn’t take a genius to see Delilah had clicked with Tom in the stables and Harrison and Annie had some sort of obvious chemistry when they met on the stairs.

“What are we going to do?” she asked, feeling completely useless, letting out a surprised squeal when the Prince twirled her. Harrison shrugged, trying not to let the stress of the situation show on his face, forcing a smile on his lips instead.

“Well people are watching,” he said. “So for now, we dance.”

She hummed. “Now that, I can do.”

»»——⍟——««

June 12th, 1:26pm

A week or so after the ball, Harrison and Delilah were being pushed into spending time together, in their parent’s words it would be ‘building their love connection.’

The two had simply shared an eye roll and had to agree, pretending as though the idea didn’t sound weird and awful. With a few more painful comments from their mothers about how cute they were going to look together, they were ready to go and ‘bond.’

“Oh and, take Annie with you.” Harrison’s eyes widened, glancing over at the girl who looked just as shocked as the pair of royals. She obediently nodded her head, silently accepting that she’d have to get used to the couple somehow and now would maybe be her chance.

“Well Ladies, after you,” Harrison muttered, motioning for the two women to leave the room first.

The three took a stroll through the gardens of flowers, Delilah and Harrison making polite conversation while Annie hung back. She took the time to admire all the different types of vibrant flowers that looked as though they had been handled with such care.

She thought they were beautiful, and she could only wish the King and Queen would have something like this at their own Palace. As much as she’d begged them, they never gave in. She hadn't noticed that the pair in front had slowed to a stop, partially to give her the chance to catch up so she didn’t get lost in an unknown place.

Harrison’s eyes roamed the side of her face as she admired the rows of beautiful dandelions. He felt heat rising to his cheeks just looking at her, the way the sun beamed down and created something like a halo around her.

“You look at her like she’s the only person in the world, you know.”

He knew she was right. Harrison hated that he couldn’t control his feelings, that he couldn’t feel for Lilah like he did for Annie. There was just something so unexplainable about her, and he wanted to know so much more.

“To me, she is.”

Annie turned her head to look at the pair standing together, the baby curls that were framing her face blowing in the gentle breeze. She looked between the two royals who had obviously been watching her and ducked her head down.

She assumed that they’d been waiting on her and she felt guilt rising in her chest.

“Sorry,” she muttered, picking up her pace again and beginning to walk towards them both. Delilah linked her arm through her best friends, flashing her a bright, loving smile.

“Why are you apologising? We were just talking about how pretty you are.” The words came out of her mouth like it was nothing, yet here Annie was almost choking on her own breath. The Prince thought she was pretty?

She wasn’t given time to dwell on it when Harrison quickly jumped in, trying to save himself any awkward questions.

“Come on, I know somewhere we could go.”

The two women put their trust into Harrison as he led them through a forest type environment. They shared a look of confusion behind the males back, wondering if they dared to speak up.

“You aren’t taking us here to kill us are you?” Annie asked.

Harrison snorted, shaking his head with a rather amused smile planted on his face. “No, I'm not.”

“Then where are we going?”

He grinned, picking up his pace. He didn’t take into account how difficult it may be for them both to walk through all the fallen branches and twigs while in dresses, meaning he arrived at his surprise destination moments before they did.

The forest opened out into a small meadow-like area, housing a gradual grass bank decorated with the most elegant of flowers, that descended into a smooth flowing stream. The sound of the running water hitting various large rocks and the happy, chirping birds were the only thing that filled the rather calming atmosphere.

The stream looked like a place you could swim if you entered from the other side, the water being more deep than shallow. However, the end Harrison had led you to allowed you to comfortably see the bottom through the clear river.

Annie studied the place in awe, feeling an overwhelming calming sensation fill her body just standing there. The Princess was already off to admire the wildlife she’d spotted in the trees, wanting to get a closer look at the loud spoken birds.

For Annie this felt like a whole new experience, they didn’t have places this ethereal back home.

“This place is gorgeous,” she whispered. Harrison took his chance, seeing as this was the first time he was pretty much alone with Annie. She felt his presence behind her as she looked out across the stream.

“How did you find this?”

He shoved his hands in his pockets, kicking at one of the stones beside his shoe.

“I found it when I was a kid actually,” he said, smiling at the memory of that day. “I was riding and my horse got startled, ran off and left me in the mud, literally.”

She giggled, the sound like music to the blonde’s ears. Speaking of his ears, they were currently tinting red from the embarrassed blush she’d managed to put on his face.

“I went to go and find him and found him drinking from the stream, must have known it was here.”

Delilah didn’t know what the two were talking about, but she did know that look in Annie’s eyes. The girl was admiring Harrison with soft eyes filled with adoration while he told his story, laughing every time he laughed, smiling when she saw the crinkles next to his eyes.

“Come on,” he said, holding his hand out for the girl. She tilted her head, tentatively locking her fingers with his. He led her down the small hill, closer to the running stream of water.

He gently placed his hands on her shoulders when the two came to a stop, him feeling her body relax under his tender touch.

The water was now only a hand width away, and she had to admit that the view from down here was much more exquisite than the view from above.

She could feel Harrison’s hands trailing down her arms, jumping to her lower back all of a sudden.

“What are you-“

She didn’t even manage to finish her sentence before Harrison was pushing her forward into the water. She gasped, trying to reach for him but to no avail.

He made no attempt to catch her as she fell onto her bum in the water, not deep enough to fully submerge her but deep enough to splash her so her dress was now drenched with pond water.

The Prince was laughing loudly, finding it truly hilarious how she pouted up at him while small water droplets trickled down her face.

“Harrison,” she whined, standing in the dripping dress as he laughed at her. Delilah watched in amusement upon the grass, shaking her head at just how obvious the adorable puppy-love attraction between them was.

He offered out his hand to her, telling her that he’d help her over the small rocks so she didn’t slip and fall. Annie saw that as an opportunity to get her own back, tugging on his hands so he fell in with her this time.

Granted it meant she also fell back into the water, Harrison practically on top of her, but the girl simply couldn’t stop laughing at the shock written all over his face.

“That was so mean,” he groaned. Only at his words did she look up, noticing just how close to her he was. His hands were holding him up so he was hovering above her, and her laughter slowly died down as she noticed how their faces were only a few inches apart.

“You pushed me in first,” she whispered. The two were lost in the other’s eyes. From this close Annie could see every different fleck of blue in his eyes, every tiny freckle on his face and-

“Hey lovebirds, you should really dry off if you want to make it back in time for dinner.”

The pair's cheeks flushed at Delilah’s interruption, remembering that the two weren’t alone at all.

Harrison had to be the first one to get to his feet from his position on top of her, holding out his hand with a pinky promise that neither one would push the other in again.

He helped Annie back to the grass bank, the two deciding that they would need to lay in the sun in order to dry off their clothes.

Harrison had pulled down his suspenders so they were hanging off of his hips, unbuttoning the first few buttons of his shirt hoping it would dry quicker. He laid down with his back against the grass, letting the sun loom over him.

The girl didn’t take long in joining him, laying beside him quietly. It was peaceful, the two soaking up the sun and the silence together.

Annie grew uncomfortable after a while, feeling her hair dampen the back of her clothes further. She pushed herself up out of her laying position until she was sitting upright, catching Harrison’s attention.

Her hand ran over the messy curls, her bottom lip jutting out adorably.

“My hair’s a mess,” she complained, pulling apart the thin string of ribbon that held it into a loose ponytail, now dripping wet with the water from the stream.

“I could plait it for you if you’d like,” he offered. She looked at him with slight amusement, almost disbelief.

“Really?” He simply nodded, holding his hand out to take the ribbon from her. He let her crawl between his spread legs, sitting with her back towards him so he could reach her wet curls.

He separated the strands as gently as he could, trying not to pull too hard.

“Where did you learn to do hair?” she asked, feeling him start the plait off correctly. Harrison grinned, his skilled hands creating the perfect braid down her back.

“I have a little sister.”

Annie’s eyes widened, looking over her shoulder at the boy in shock. He quietly scolded her for ruining his concentration, making her face back in the direction she was originally.

“Why haven’t I seen her in the castle?”

He chuckled. “You probably have, would’ve thought she was a maid with the dresses she wears.”

He noticed her visibly tense, her demeanor changing quickly.

“What’s wrong with maids?” she asked. His eyes widened, clearing his throat.

“N-Nothing I just-“ He didn’t know how to dig himself out of this hole he��d got himself in. “I just meant she blends in, doesn’t act like a Princess either.”

She nodded. Harrison could tell he’d messed up slightly. He hadn’t meant to offend her in any way and now he felt bad. He carefully tied the ribbon around the end of her hair, sealing off her plait tightly. He let out a sigh, gently moving to put his hands on her arms.

“I’m sorry if I upset you.”

She sent him a smile, shaking her head. “It’s okay.”

Over the course of the next few hours Annie noticed how touchy Harrison had got with her, wanting to, at the minimum, hold her hand. She wasn’t sure if it was his way of making up for what he said, but she wasn’t mad at it.

So, when the three of them headed back to the castle, he was completely reluctant to let go. He ran his thumb over her knuckles one last time before sadly releasing her hand, her positive smile causing him to break out into a smile too.

Harrison and Delilah were bombarded with questions from their mothers as soon as they stepped through the main door of the castle. They were ushered into a gorgeous, grand room where the ladies were sitting having tea.

“You’re back,” Alice announced.

Harrison’s mother tried to invite them all to sit down, instructing some of the maids to pour them some tea. He politely refused, telling the nice women not to bother.

“We’d love to hear all about your day,” she gushed, taking Harrison’s face in her hands with a grin. Lilah let out a quiet laugh, earning a glare from the Prince who was anything but happy.

“Actually, I was just going to introduce Delilah here to my horse,” he explained, quickly creating a lie so he could avoid having any kind of tea with their mothers. More so because he couldn’t really tell them what they’d done with their day, nor did he even want to try.

He noticed her perk up in her stance, probably at the thought of getting to see Tom in the stables.

“Horse?” her mother asked, slight disgust in her tone. He forced a smile, stiffly nodding his head. Delilah sent her mother a stern look. “Right, Annette you’re going with them, yes?”

The girl looked up from her place in the corner. Lilah noticed in the corner of her eye the way Harrison stood straighter when Annie looked in their direction, trying to stifle a giggle at how obvious his crush on her was.

“Yes, I suppose so,” she smiled. Queen Alice nodded, cupping the back of Annie’s head to move her along.

“Dear, do you know your hair is wet?” Her eyes widened slightly, flashing the Queen a nervous smile, but she calmly shrugged it off.

“It must be from my shower this morning,” she explained. Annie was just praying that she didn’t notice the way her hair had gone from being in a ponytail to a slightly messy plait. The long pause of silence made her nervous, the girl flicking her eyes over to the other people in the room.

“Very well, go ahead.”

It was only a short walk down to the stables, but in that time Harrison had managed to lock his fingers with Annie’s again. Neither of them said anything about it, just sporting grins instead, ones that made Lilah roll her eyes.

Upon entering the stables they noticed Tom petting Harrison’s horse, reminding Lilah of the day the two had met where he’d more or less been in the same position as he was in now.

“Oh hello, what are you all doing here?” Annie and Harrison shared a look when they noticed Tom trying to discreetly tidy himself up a little, having been looking a tad bit ragged from working the stables all day.

“We’re escaping our mothers and their tea,” Harrison explained. If Tom was even listening to him he didn’t show it, his eyes fixed right on Lilah’s.

“Would you two be okay if I maybe went with Tom somewhere?” she asked, turning her head over her shoulder to look at the two amused faces behind her. “I could always meet your horse another time.”

Annie grinned up at Harrison, whispering to let them go have fun for a little while, seeing as Delilah had spent the whole day watching her and Harrison have the time of their lives together.

“Go,” he encouraged. Tom sent his friend a grateful look, tugging Delilah away from the pair. They watched as she linked her arm with Tom’s, the stable boy leading her out into the gardens somewhere.

“What’s his name?” Annie asked once the two were out of sight. The Prince smiled, turning his attention back to his horse.

“This is Moonlight,” Harrison said, running his hand over the main of the lovely horse. Annie grinned at the name, prepared to begin her teasing on how it was slightly silly. no

“Moonlight, really?”

He scoffed playfully, sending her a look. “I named him when I was a child.”

The two descended into a comfortable silence, stroking the soft fur of the horse. Annie couldn’t hold back anymore, needing to make some kind of comment about the name once again.

“It’s rather silly though, don’t you think?” Harrison pushed her arm lightly, shaking his head at her teasing. He wrapped his arms around her waist, the girl biting her lip to hide her wide grin as his face rested so close to hers.

“Maybe I think your name’s rather silly.”

She giggled, looking over her shoulder. Harrison’s nose was practically pushing against hers in an eskimo kiss, the two so close that they were surprised their lips weren’t brushing over one anothers.

Annie had to be the one to pull away, knowing she couldn’t steal the woman, who was basically her employer’s soon to be fiancé away.

“We can’t,” she whispered, unwrapping herself from his arms. He frowned, having the knowledge that Tom and Delilah were probably doing the exact same thing with no regard for Harrison, so why couldn’t he kiss the girl he likes?

“Annie,” he said softly.

“So, tell me more about Moonlight.”

»»——⍟——««

June 25th, 11:31am

The longer Harrison and The Princess had to get to know each other, the more time he actually spent with the handmaiden, falling deeper in love by the day. So fast that it scared him.

It was around the three week mark when Tom finally decided he was going to spend the day with the girl he liked alone, leaving Harrison and Annie the opportunity to also spend the day together. The plan was to keep it as secret as possible, mainly because it’d be very frowned upon if his mother found out he didn’t love the girl he was meant to marry. But if either of them got caught they had already made their excuses to explain what was happening; The males were assisting the ladies riding the horses, simple.

Annie was obviously protective of Delilah, she was a Princess she had to be, so she was very uncertain about leaving her alone with Tom, a man they had only met a week or so prior.

“You don’t have to watch them you know,” he whispered, watching the way she raked her eyes over the pair cautiously. She turned to face Harrison with a small smile.

“I just want to make sure he behaves.”

“He will, trust me.” She hesitated before giving in under his soft stare, nodding her head.

She turned her attention to Moonlight, gently stroking the bridge of the stallion's nose. The horse really was beautiful to her, a very light shade of white that reminded her of the prettiest daisies she used to have in her garden growing up and the darkest eyes that still managed to feel comforting. He was arguably one of the cutest horses she’d ever seen, but she wouldn’t be boosting Harrison’s ego with that information.

“Do you want to go for a ride?” he asked, noticing the way her eyes were admiring the creature.

She turned her head to look at him, scanning his pretty face to see if he was being serious. When he didn’t budge she nodded, a grin creeping onto her lips at the idea of being able to ride a horse for the first time in weeks.

“Do you need to change?” He motioned to the puffy dress she was wearing, hinting that it probably wouldn’t work well with two people on a horse, or even herself on a horse. Dresses we’re definitely not made for riding.

“I only have dresses.” There was a slight pout on her lips. She took this to mean she couldn’t go riding with Harrison like she’d wanted, essentially crushing part of her spirit.

Harrison was quiet for a minute, giving Annie a chance to admire his face deep in thought. That was until his eyes lit up with an idea.

“What if you wore some of my clothes?”

She didn’t have time to agree nor protest as Harrison began enthusiastically dragging her to his room, all the way from the gardens. They got some strange looks from some of the guards, the men suspicious as to why he was running around with some girl that definitely wasn’t the Princess he was meant to be getting engaged to.

Obviously people were going to be suspicious when he was taking another woman up to his room.

“Wait here,” he instructed.

This was the first time Annie had been in the Prince’s room during her multiple week stay at the castle, so she took her time to admire the large, surprisingly homey room.

He grabbed some of the smallest clothes of his he could find, probably not that small when you considered Annie wasn’t a 5’10 muscular man like he was.

Harrison watched as her eyes roamed the four walls, a soft, admirable look on her face.

“Here you go,” he said, handing the folded up clothes to her with a smile. He grew nervous when she just stared at him, not quite understanding what else there was to do. She rolled her eyes at his visible obliviousness.

“Turn around,” she demanded, ending her sentence with a quiet giggle. Harrison made a quiet ‘oh’ sound and obeyed, staring blankly at the wall as he listened to the material of her clothing drop to the floor.

He waited patiently as she pulled on the oversized clothes, hearing a few huffs from the girl behind him. They made her sound even cuter than he already thought she was.

“I’m done,” she grumbled. He turned back around, snorting at the way the clothes basically fell off of her body, making her look like a toddler that was trying on their parents' clothing.

“They don’t fit,” she whined, looking at Harrison with an expression that resembled a small child. He had to bite back his laugh. Obviously he was much taller and bigger than Annie, so his clothes practically swallowed the girl up.

“Come here,” he whispered. She followed his instruction eagerly, shuffling over to him so she didn’t trip over the length of the trousers, until she was standing within a hand width away.

He ended up helping her back into her corset, keeping the shirt fitted to her body tightly. The two shared giggles as she attempted to instruct the clueless royal on how to properly fasten a corset, something he’d never had to do before.

She would shiver involuntarily more or less every time his fingertips brushed her back, her gasps not only being due to the added restriction to her breathing, even if that’s what she would claim it was.

“How’s that?” he asked, tying off the strings of the corset in a tight bow. She nodded her head, taking a breath as deep as she could.

“Perfect.” She could feel the heat from his body radiating off of him due to how close he was, her heartbeat speeding up significantly.

His finger teasingly hooked into the waistband of the trousers she’d been holding up, tugging them to emphasise just how loose they were. She let out a giggle, playfully slapping his hands away. Harrison now had to come up with some way to keep the material from constantly falling down her legs.

That’s when his eyes caught sight of the thin piece of red ribbon that was tying her hair together in a simple braid, similar to the one he’d done for her by the stream. She gasped when Harrison pulled it free, pushing it through the loops of his trousers so they were fitted as tightly to her waist as they could be. Annie could feel his breath on the back of her neck at the close proximity of the male, the warmth sending more and more shivers down her spine as time ticked on.

“I’m sorry about your hair,” he said, running his fingers through the mess of the braid until it came fully undone. The curly locks were now falling against the material of the borrowed shirt, covering up small parts of her face that Harrison wished he could see.

She turned around to face him, meeting his eyes almost instantly, seeing as they’d been burning holes into the back of her head.

Harrison’s hand came up to brush her hair out of her face like an instinct, tucking it behind her ears with utmost care and gentle touch, exposing those parts of her face that he wanted to see.

His striking baby blues were completely locked on her soft brown orbs, acting as a way of silent communication for the pair.

Neither of them noticed how they were getting closer, not until one more slight forward movement would cause their lips to brush.

“Better?” he asked, his lips barely even an inch away from hers. She gulped nervously, nodding her head. The clothes may not have fitted like they would if a tailor had made them specifically for her, but Harrison had done a good job of getting them to fit well enough for a ride on his horse.

There was a knock at the door that forced the two away from each other with a startled jump, standing side by side with wide eyes. Thankfully it was only Tom and Delilah, Harrison isn’t sure he’d actually want to find out what would happen if it was someone like his mother.

“What are you wearing?” she asked, her voice laced with utter disgust. Tom let out a snort, shaking his head at just how much she really did sound like a Princess.

“We’re going riding,” Annie explained, in a quiet voice that told Harrison she was embarrassed. He rolled his eyes, pulling her into his side with his arm around her waist. The girl’s eyes widened, looking up at the Prince in shock.

“I think she looks beautiful. Now, if you don’t mind,” he motioned for her to go ahead. “M’Lady.”

Tom and Delilah shared a look, the two thinking the exact same thing, those two had fallen for each other, hard, and there was no way either of them could give that up if it did eventually come down to a wedding.

Harrison led Annie all the way back down the short walk to the stables, the two refusing to unlock their interlaced fingers even in front of the prying eyes of the maids and guards, who of which would be sure to try and tell his mother.

It wasn’t long until the pair were reunited with the horse they’d left only minutes prior, Annie’s hand running over Moonlight’s soft fur.

“Are you ready to go for a ride?”

She nodded happily. Moonlight already had a saddle on his back, Annie assuming one of the stable boy’s had got him ready to go. She watched as Harrison easily hoisted himself up onto the horses back, shifting until he got comfortable on the seat.

“Come on,” he chuckled, generously holding his hand out to help her up. She grinned excitedly, taking his hand and using his assistance to make it onto the horse.

“Now, hold on,” he winked.

She hesitantly wrapped her arms around his torso, her grip only growing tighter when they began to move. It wasn’t that she had never ridden a horse before, she even had her own, but she’d never been the one not in control of said horse. She hadn’t even known Harrison a month, so she didn’t know if she could even trust him as much as she’d like to.

“I’ve got you I promise.”

The two didn’t have a destination, just knowing that they wanted to spend as much time away from the palace as they could. It was quiet, but it was that kind of comfortable silence that’s almost enjoyable.

Harrison had started looking for somewhere they could stop and spend some time, spotting a nice looking area on the hill over by some trees that would look over the entire kingdom.

“Is here okay?” he asked. She nodded her head, mumbling a perfect under her breath as Harrison willed Moonlight to a stop. He helped her down from the horse until her feet were once again firmly planted on land.

“This whole place is breathtaking,” she commented, motioning out to the homes of the kingdom.

Annie had decided to lay down on the soft grass in the line of the sun’s rays. Harrison watched her with a smile as he tied the reigns of his precious animal to a nearby tree so he wouldn’t stray too far.

The Prince was quick to join the lady laying on the ground, a soft smile on his face that he just couldn’t hide. He took a few moments to admire the way the sun was beaming down on her face, her eyes closed to protect those beautiful honey orbs from the harsh light. He thought she looked like an angel, all of her best features accentuated by the soft glow.

He decided that he wanted to get to know her more, casting his eyes nervously up to the sky when he saw her own flicker open.

“So, how did you end up a handmaiden to the Princess?” he asked, curiously. The question was innocent of course, obviously he didn’t know her life story, but it still made her tear up slightly to think about.

Thankfully, he wasn’t looking at her, instead looking up at the unusually bright June sky, the sun blinding him to the point he had to block it out with his hand.

“My mother was Delilah’s nanny,” she began, a small smile on her lips as she reminisced. Harrison turned his head watching the way she talked about her family with so much love. “Until she died when she was around 11.”

He frowned, sitting up slightly to rest on his elbow, so he could get a better look at her face, a better read on her emotions.

“Her parents thought the least they could do was give me a job when I could work, after all the loyalty my mother had given them over the years,” she explained. “They thought it wasn’t fair to let us go hungry.”

He listened intently, letting her know that he was hearing her every word. He did feel bad, he felt bad for even asking the question, but he hated that she had to experience those hardships where she didn’t know if her family would be able to eat the next day, when his entire life it was the complete opposite.

“When my father died, that was when they took me in, gave me a room in their home and treated me like a daughter. As long as I kept up my job of course.” There was a faint smile decorating her lips as she stared up at the clouds in the sky, giving Harrison the time to admire her.

She eventually turned her head towards him, a small smile creeping onto her face when she caught sight of him staring.

She didn’t really want to discuss the topic anymore, she’d received enough pity over the course of her life and she definitely wasn’t planning on receiving more from the man she liked.

“How did you meet Tom?”

»»——⍟——««

June 25th, 4:28pm

The two agreed on a slow walk back, Harrison holding the reins of his horse while Annie walked beside him. Conversation flowed easily, sweet stories of memories from their past being uttered in the quiet atmosphere of the vacant field.

“I don’t even want to go back,” she mumbled, sending Harrison a sad glance.

“Why not?”

“Today was just so perfect, and I don’t want to go back to engagement party preparations.” He understood completely, his mother had been getting way too out of hand with planning his wedding to Delilah, of which he still wasn’t happy about, when he hadn’t even proposed properly yet. He didn’t know when he was meant to propose but he hoped it was far enough away that he could try to convince his mother otherwise.

He’d tried to push all the thoughts about the engagement to the back of his mind all day but her words just brought them all back, forcing a frown onto his face as he watched her face as she walked.

“Annie, I-” He turned to face her, taking one of her hands into his free one, his other still holding onto the reins. She was scared to look up at him, wondering if she just managed to spoil everything that had happened the whole day. “Please look at me,” he mumbled.

Her eyes flickered up to look at his baby blues, her heart soaring due to the look of love in his soft orbs. He had a small smile on his face, their close proximity letting him gently rub their noses together.

She knew he wouldn’t try to kiss her without her permission, noticing him open his mouth to ask exactly for that. She giggled quietly, letting her hands slide up to rest against his chest.

“Annie-“

“Just kiss me,” she whispered. He nodded his head, leaning down until their lips brushed past each other so lightly it almost didn’t happen. She took charge, leaning on her tiptoes to take control of the kiss. She pressed her lips on his, tilting her head to properly slot them together. Annie’s stomach was in a jumble of knots as Harrison’s hand travelled from her cheek down to the side of her neck, his thumb applying the slightest pressure on her throat that took her breath away for numerous reasons.

She could feel the cool metal of his family crest engraved ring pressing against her flushed skin, making her heart race in her ribcage.

He broke away from her lips primarily to take a second to catch his breath, but he also wanted to give some love to her neck. She was panting heavily as his lips followed an invisible trail from the corner of her mouth, down to her jaw, down her neck- oh down her neck. He heard the breathy moan she let slip loud and clear. The sound hitting his ears perfectly. It made his knees weak knowing he had the most perfect girl he’d ever seen falling apart for him purely from something as simple as a few kisses.

She gently guided his lips back to hers when she felt like she’d die if she didn’t kiss him again soon. This kiss was slower than the first, the two really taking their time to memorise everything about the others lips.

He got lost in her, finally letting go of the reins to thread his hand in her curls, pulling her impossibly deeper into the kiss. This was arguably the best kiss either of them had ever experienced, sparks flying with each desperate clash of their lips.

Neither of them were expecting the spontaneous heavy rainfall, a gasp coming from Annie as she was suddenly drenched in the rainwater. She’d pulled away from Harrison, looking up at him with a contagious giggle. He leaned back in with a smile, planting one more kiss on her soft lips. “Your lips taste amazing,” he whispered, drawing a blush to her cheeks.

He removed his hand from her hair slowly, deciding that they couldn’t stay in the rain for much longer, especially when they weren’t moving.

They picked up their walking pace, heading straight for the stables where, like this, they would have to spend the night.

With the speed they were practically jogging at, they arrived in no time, the pair running into the dry warmth of the stable with loud bubbling laughter.

Luckily, thanks to his jacket, the shirt she was wearing of Harrison’s hadn’t gotten too wet, meaning she could still wear it. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case for the Prince, after giving his jacket to the girl like the gentleman he was, he was now soaking wet with rainwater.

“If you don’t want to freeze, i’d suggest you take off your top.” Harrison’s eyes widened slightly at her almost demand, not knowing where the surge of confidence to say something that could’ve been perceived so differently had come from.

By the time he had snapped out of his daze Annie was already unlacing her corset, he didn’t know if she was just loosening it or if she was actually taking off the whole thing but Harrison looked away, trying to give her the privacy she deserved, trying also to busy himself with his horse.

“Harrison,” she mumbled. He hummed, not wanting to risk turning around. “I was serious about you freezing.”

Harrison stubbornly unbuttoned the shirt he was wearing, folding it over one of the shelves to try and give it time to dry before the morning. If Harrison had to walk back to the castle shirtless, it probably wouldn’t be a good look.

Harrison headed for the blankets next, the ones he usually kept in here from when he was a boy and refused to part with his horse for the night. He walked back to Annie with a small smile on his lips.

He wrapped the warm material around her shivering frame, noticing she’d also taken off the corset and the wet trousers, both of which were now left to dry off to the side.

“Thank you,” she muttered, teeth chattering due to the cold. Harrison nodded his head, moving to make sure Moonlight was okay before he himself could settle down.

It didn’t take long for the male to realise he only had the one blanket, conveniently the one that was wrapped around Annie’s shoulders currently. He cursed under his breath, trying not to visibly shiver at the gust of cold air that blew throughout the stable. He didn’t know Annie had been watching him the whole time he was thinking about his crisis, noticing how he was shaking from the lack of heat in his body.

She stood up from her spot on some hay, heading over to him with the intent of not taking no for an answer.

Her arms wrapped around his torso from behind, the blanket starting to cover some of his body. Even the little bit of fabric helped to warm him up ever so slightly.

His back was cold to the touch, the kind of cold where your body felt numb. Annie took his hand, leading him over to the hay she had been sitting on. It took awhile for the two to find a comfortable enough position to lay in.

The blanket only ended up being big enough to cover them both if they laid with their chest’s touching. Annie’s head was comfortably resting on Harrison’s chest, her arms wrapped around his torso. While one of his hands was running through her hair, stroking his hand over her head, the other wrapping around her body to keep her warmth as close to him as possible.

His hand stroked up and down her back for a little while, soothing her to sleep with the calming sound of the rain that continued to pour outside.

“Goodnight Harrison,” she whispered. He smiled, running his fingers through her damp hair. He placed a sweet kiss to the top of her head, squeezing her impossibly closer to him.

“Goodnight, darling.”

Harrison hadn’t been able to get to sleep that night. At first he assumed it was from the uncomfortable feeling of the hay bails on his bare back, but when he saw how sound on Annie was, he knew it couldn’t be that.

No, he was scared to death of being caught by someone, with her, like this. Obviously he knew how it would be perceived at first glance, especially without any knowledge of what had happened prior, and he couldn’t risk that.

He knew that if anyone were to come in early in the morning it’d most likely be Tom or his father, and if so he could easily persuade them to keep quiet.

The next morning Annie was woken up early by the loud chirping of the birds in the nearby trees, the sun barely rising in the sky. She was alone now, the blanket wrapped solely around her body tightly and no longer around Harrisons.

She stretched her arms above her head, letting out a small sigh at the feeling of her muscles relaxing. She spotted Harrison leaning against the door of the stable, still shirtless, just watching the light drizzle of rain and the sun beginning to rise over the castle.

She kept the blanket around her shoulders, moving over to where the man she adored stood, looking like one of those Greek God’s she’d read about in one of Delilah’s fancy books.

“Good morning,” she whispered. He turned his head to see her standing there, her hair messier than it’d been last night, he thought it made her look even more gorgeous though.

“Hi. Come here,” he cooed, holding out his hand for her to take. Annie’s eyebrows drew together in confusion, taking his hand anyway. He pointed to the sunrise just beyond the castle, watching as her face twisted into one of awe.

He coaxed her body back into his chest, wrapping his arms around her protectively. He rested his chin on the top of her head, exhaling slowly. This was the kind of love he wanted, the kind that was just so easy and natural. Annie could give him that, not Delilah.

He hated the fact that he couldn’t marry the girl he was falling so hopelessly in love with, how was he meant to give all this up?

»»——⍟——««

July 2nd, 9:03am

In retrospect after being in the Osterfield’s kingdom for almost a month the ladies probably should’ve visited their village earlier. Except for the most part they’d been locked up in the castle being wooed by two angel-like boys.

“This place is so lovely,” she whispered, looking around at all the different people communicating outside of the different stalls set up along the street. People sold a variety of things here, bright bouquets of flowers that added that pop of colour to the grey town walls and jewellery that would glint in the sun, they had it all and it was beautiful.

Delilah didn’t see it that way, as much as the Princess would say she wasn’t, she was spoiled and anything to do with ‘commoners’ usually didn’t interest her. Unless their name was Tom and he had curly, brown hair.

“Why are we here again?” she asked, linking her arm with Annie’s so she didn’t get lost in the crowd. The latter sighed, rolling her eyes.

“Because, it’s Harrison’s birthday soon and I wanted to get him a gift.” Delilah nodded, looking around the busy streets of the large kingdom.

“You should too, you know,” she said. The Princess looked back at her in confusion, furrowing her brow. “Get him a gift, he is going to be your husband.”

She could sense some hostility in those final words, her face dropping slightly. She knew Annie was falling for Harrison, but Annie knew that Delilah didn’t love him, and the poor girl didn’t understand why she was taking out her emotions on her.

“I suppose so.” She hadn’t even remembered when Harrison had mentioned it was his birthday, but she guessed it was the least she could do.

The pair walked down the streets just admiring the decorations that were already being strung up in honour of his birthday, the whole town celebrating the young Prince no longer being a teen.

“Delilah? Annie?” Their heads turned at the sound of the familiar voice. They found the curly haired brunette standing there with a confused look on his face, one of his hands on the shoulder of a much smaller boy that Annie had never seen before, while two older looking boys stood beside him.

“Tom.” She saw the Princesses face light up when she saw the man she’d fallen for, her heart aching at the way she treated her when she obviously didn’t love Harrison.

“What are you both doing here?” he asked. Lilah’s eyes fell from Toms to Paddys, her eyes lighting up when she realised she had something for him.

“This is for you.” She’d reached into her bag and pulled out a book, one that looked very familiar to the young boy. “The one you had looked like it was falling apart, so this is a new copy.”

His eyes widened, heart racing as he hesitated to take it from her, not sure if he should or not. His eyes flickered from the Princesses warm ones to Tom’s confused ones.

“Lilah, you don’t have to.” She shook her head, insisting that Paddy take it. The boy thanked her profusely, showing the book to the twins like it was some prize he’d won. She had a warm smile on her face as she watched him gush over it.

“Thank you,” Tom said, drawing her attention back to him. She simply nodded, holding that same look in her eye that Annie got when it came to Harrison.

“What are you both actually doing here?”

The handmaiden smiled, a blush creeping up onto her cheeks as she thought about what now seemed like a rather silly idea. “I-I wanted to get Harrison a birthday present.”

He smiled, thinking it was rather cute. He whispered something to his brothers, watching closely as they scattered away before turning back to the two girls.

“Well, I’m here to offer my services to help you look.”

Lilah was over the moon that he was coming with, happily lacing her fingers with his, forgetting about the surrounding public.

“What about a ring?” Annie asked, looking at the cart that had a fair amount displayed. She checked with Tom, not wanting to make the wrong decision here.

He gave her a nod, too wrapped up in the way Delilah was trying to kiss him to give her a full response. She rolled her eyes, sending a warm smile to the man who was selling them.

It didn’t take her long for her eyes to land on one that she deemed perfect, imagining the way Harrison would wear it.

“That one, please,” she mumbled, looking directly at a beautiful gold pinky ring with a black gem in the middle. She handed over the necessary amount of money- well Lilah’s money, cause hey that was one of the perks of being best friends with a Princess.

“Thank you.”

The three continued their walk down the long avenue. Annie twirled the ring in her fingers, panicking slightly as she thought about all the different reactions Harrison could give her. He could either absolutely love it and fall even more helplessly in love, or he could hate it and could- Tom had noticed the internal battle going on, taking his attention away from his love to gently squeeze Annie’s arm. “He’ll love it, trust me.”

She knew it wasn’t enough to get him to call off the deal with Queen Alice and his mother, but she at least hoped it could prove her love for him.

“I hope so.”

Tom was leading them somewhere completely unknown to both of them, well the whole place was unknown to both of them, but still.

“Where are we going?”

He flashed the girl who wasn’t clinging to him a smile, bringing them all to a standstill in front of a rather cute, dainty house, one that reminded Annie much of her own home growing up.

“Home.”

She was the only one to notice the reluctance in Lilah’s eyes as Tom led her through the door of his family home. She tried to silently reassure her, squeezing her arm with a comforting smile.

The two didn’t have much longer to think about anything, being swarmed by Thomas’ younger brothers that they’d seen earlier.

Paddy instantly rushed over to Delilah, wanting to discuss the next part of Romeo and Juliet he’d managed to read, while the twins headed straight for Annie.

“We didn’t formally meet earlier, I’m Harry.” The curly haired boy leaned down and placed a kiss on the handmaidens knuckles, a giggle escaping her at how cute he was.

“And I’m Sam, his twin, the older one.” He too placed a kiss on her hand, both teens clearly getting the idea that she was free for the taking. Tom let out a sigh, flicking the both of the boy’s heads.

“The Prince will have your heads,” he muttered. The twins murmured and left the pretty girl to her own devices, hearing her laughing quietly at the brotherly behaviour. Her attention was drawn to Paddy, the quiet brother who was just simply staring at her and waiting for his turn.

When he noticed her looking back, he jumped up with a smile. “Hi, I’m Paddy.”

He shook her hand politely, flashing her a toothy grin.

“Well hello Paddy, I’m Annie.”

She was amazed at how intelligent the ten year old was, using some words that she didn’t think even she knew the meaning of, but nonetheless she still enjoyed the conversation.

However, how would it be a conversation with a Holland boy if one of the brothers didn’t interrupt.

“Harrison better watch out, I think Paddy’s stolen his girl.”

»»——⍟——««

July 4th, 5:54am

Harrison didn’t expect to hear a knock at his bedroom door in the middle of the night, nor did he particularly want to answer it. It had woken him up and he wasn’t all too happy about it. The Prince rose from his comfortable, plush bed with a groan.

He didn’t bother to throw on a shirt or any clothing on his top half, considering he thought it would only be one of the guards, heading towards the door with heavy, tired eyes.

“Hello?” He pulled it open to find Annie standing there with a large smile, the girl pushing her way into the room without so much as a hello. He furrowed his eyebrows, checking for any guards that may have seen her, thankfully there were none, before closing the door carefully and quietly, cautious to not make too much noise.

He startled when she cupped his cheeks in her cold hands as soon as he turned around, her wide grin making him break out into a smile himself.

“Your hands are-“

She cut him off without a care, shaking her head. “Happy birthday,” she whispered, slotting her much softer lips on his chapped ones. The kiss was slow and passionate, every ounce of love they had for each other poured into the simple act of intimacy.

“Thank you, love.”

Harrison laced their fingers together and led her to the spot where he’d been sleeping, laying back against the headboard with his arms out. She happily crawled into his embrace, resting her head on his bare chest with a content sigh.

It was comfortably silent between the two for a few minutes, her fingertip lightly tracing circles on his stomach, while he mirrored the patterns she was making on the nape of her neck, a light breath of air coming out of her nose every time he managed to tickle her.

Annie eventually cleared her throat, drawing his eyes back over to her face where they’d just momentarily left.

“I got you something.” She pulled the small wrapped box from behind her back, letting it sit in the palm of her hand, Harrison noticing the ribbon matching the one that he always saw tied in her hair.

“You didn’t have to.”

She placed her hand on his cheek gently, pecking his lips for a short second. “I wanted to.”

In the past week they’d grown impossibly closer, sharing and sneaking kisses when they could, going on horse rides back to the meadow where he’d pushed her in the stream, it was lovely.

“Open it,” she said, pushing it into his hands.

He had a small grin on his face as he pulled the smaller string on the bow, watching it fall undone in his lap while Annie stared at him with childlike excitement. He carefully lifted the lid off of the box, his eyes widening at the sight of the beautiful ring laying inside, glinting in the light shining in from the window.

“Annie,” he whispered, slightly awestruck, his eyes flickering up to hers. Even knowing each other for such a short time was enough that she knew him perfectly. She took that as a sign that he wasn’t impressed, making her even more nervous than she already was.

“D-Do you like it?” He could sense the nerves in her voice, rapidly nodding his head. He took it from the box, sliding it on to his finger to show her with a boyish smile.

He placed a chaste kiss on her lips, bringing his thumb of the opposite hand up to stroke over her bottom lip. Their faces were so close that any slight movement would mean their lips were touching again, but the pair rather enjoyed that.

“I love it, thank you.”

Every word he spoke, he spoke with enough emotion that she would know he was being honest. He didn’t want her to doubt herself for even a second.

Harrison suddenly got an idea, telling her to hang on one second while he climbed off of the bed. Annie was left to watch him roam around, her eyes tracing the dips and muscles of his muscular back, pulling her bottom lip between her teeth as she thought about how he truly was beautiful.

The man grabbed something from his dresser, hiding it in his palm as he walked back over to the bed. He crawled in beside her, back in his previous position.

“While I have this one,” he started, taking her left hand in his grasp. He placed a soft kiss on the back of her hand, raising it up to his mouth. “I want you to keep this one safe for me.”

He held up the item he’d just collected, showing the family encrusted ring that normally decorated his pinky finger.

“Harrison, I can’t.” He shook his head, not allowing her to make any sort of excuse.

“I trust you.” He held her hand tightly, sliding the ring onto her ring finger as though it was their wedding day. She could only imagine how much she’d like that to be a wedding band that was currently decorating her skin.

She tried to hide the faint blush coming through on her cheeks but Harrison was quick to notice it, a small smirk on his face as he watched her get all flustered at his gesture.

“A-Are you sure, what if I lose it?” she asked, thinking of all the possible outcomes where in her mind they ended with Harrison getting mad at her.

“Annie I-“ he hesitated, sending her a nervous glance. “I know this is soon but, I think I’m falling in love with you and I-“

“I think I’m falling in love with you too.”

Their smiles were contagious, the two finding it hard to share a kiss when they were unable to wipe the grins from their faces.

“Spend the day with me,” he all but demanded. Annie didn’t need any convincing, nodding her head rapidly.

“I’d love to.”

Due to it barely being 6am, the two decided on taking a quick nap together, after Harrison locked the door to his room so no unwanted visitors would show. He held her tightly in his arms, watching the sun peak out in the sky as her breathing grew steadier.

He struggled to fall asleep at first, admiring the beautiful girl laying on his chest. His thumb rubbed over her cheekbone as gently as he could so he wouldn’t wake her, his lips lightly grazing her forehead.

It seemed as though the universe wasn’t on their side that day. As soon as they tried to do anything there was some kind of interruption. Less than an hour into their nap, after Harrison had finally managed to drift off, there was a heavy knock on the Prince’s door, startling them both from their sleep.

The two had planned to go on a walk through the gardens and have a picnic around lunchtime, only to find that it was raining as they began to prepare to do so.

Then the Queen called her son away on royal duties when they decided that they would just sit in the greenhouse which held the glass roof, watching the rain together seeing as there wasn’t much else they could do.

“I am so sorry,” he apologised, finding the girl still sitting watching the rain pour. She looked over her shoulder at him with a smile, shaking her head.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure the birthday boy is very popular.” He chuckled, kneeling down beside her to press a kiss to her temple.

“What can I do to make this up to you?” he asked, stroking his hand over her soft curls.

“Just sit with me.” And that he did, perching himself in the chair next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders so she could cuddle into his side.

The evening rolled around all too fast and she unfortunately had to part with Harrison for some kind of birthday celebration they were having. He had tried to get her invited but he’d told her that he was unsuccessful. He left her with one last kiss on her forehead, heading to his room while Annie headed to Delilah’s to help her get ready.

“I can see you swoon every time you see him,” she teased. Annie warningly pulled the Princesses corset a little bit too tight, making her gasp in shock and playfully slap her hands away.

“I don’t swoon,” she defended, her voice quiet. Lilah let out a giggle, rolling her eyes at her friend. The two didn’t really converse that much as Annie finished helping her get ready, making sure she was up to that Princess standard that she always was.

“I’ll tell you all about it when I get back,” she promised, squeezing her hands reassuringly. The handmaiden was trying to shoo her friend, telling her that she’d be late if she didn’t hurry up.

“Go,” she encouraged, basically pushing her out of the door with a giggle, closing it behind her so Lilah couldn’t doubt herself.

She was gone for hours, a very boring, long amount of hours, so she decided to amuse herself.

Annie had been wandering the castle for a little while now, finding it far too boring to stay perched in Delilah’s room the entire evening. She just so happened to walk past the door to the dining room at the wrong time, catching Harrison’s words.

“Delilah, w-will you marry me?” He didn’t want to do this, God how he wished she would say no. He saw the tears building up in her eyes, but when she looked at him they weren’t ones of joy. She didn’t want this either.

Annie felt her heart shatter at the words, a quiet, spontaneous sob managing to escape her lips before she could stop it.

Harrison heard the noise, looking through the small gap in the door and seeing her standing there. He almost broke there and then, forgetting about the whole thing to run and comfort the girl he was definitely in love with, but he couldn’t.

“Yes,” she whispered. He slipped the ring onto her finger with a completely fake smile, hearing the claps from their family members around the table.

The girl didn’t know if she’d ever felt so betrayed. He’d lied to her, he told her this was a family thing for his birthday, now he was engaged to her best friend.

When he glanced back at the door a few minutes later, Annie was gone and he was sure his heart stopped beating for a second. Lilah noticed how pale he’d gone, looking almost like a ghost in her eyes. She could do nothing but squeeze his hand a little bit tighter, knowing if she did anymore than smile then the tears would fall.

Meanwhile, Annie was trying to remember the route they’d taken a few days prior to Tom’s home. She knew he wouldn’t be at the stables this late and so she assumed he’d have gone home to his family.

It was just her luck today that it was still raining, it had been since the early afternoon when it ruined her and Harrison’s picnic, probably trying to forebode to her the events that were going to take place tonight. If only she’d have listened.

Her feet carried her there, digging into the squelching mud uncomfortably, the rain belting down against her already soaked and shivering body. Sobs were falling from her lips without a filter, the noise filling the painful silence of the night.

She didn’t remember getting into the village, or leaving the gates of the palace, or even leaving the palace itself, but now here she was walking down the streets of the eerily quiet town.

Her eyes roamed the different street names, looking for the one she remembered Tom leading them down.

“Fuck,” she cursed, furiously wiping at the tears in her blurry eyes, assuming that she was lost in the middle of a village that was almost completely unknown to her.

Her shoes on the cobblestone echoed around the vacant street, her heart racing as she had to guess which one was her friend’s home. She knocked on the door that looked the most familiar to her.

She didn’t expect to have actually gotten the right one, but she was greeted with that familiar brunette with his warm smile. His face softened slightly when he saw the state of the girl standing outside his front door.

“Annie, god.” He hadn’t expected to see her showing up at his family home of all places. He didn’t even know how she’d remembered.

“Thomas, who’s at the door?” He watched as she stood so vulnerable in front of him, clearing sobbing with tears that were impossible to disguise as the rain.

“Just a friend, mother,” he called back. “I think she might need to stay for tonight.”

She was so grateful to hear him say those words, because there was no doubt that Harrison would be waiting for her back at the palace to try and give her an apology, and she didn’t know if she could face him or Delilah tonight.

And to be fair to Annie, Harrison was waiting. He was waiting nervously in the rain on the palace steps. At first he was hoping to just clear his head, trying to process the fact that he was now engaged to a woman he most definitely didn’t love. But then he remembered the heartbreak written all over Annie’s face when she watched him utter those simple words, and he began to anticipate her arrival back at the palace.

Tom invited her inside with a sense or urgency, wanting to get her out of the rain. He rushed to grab her a towel or anything to keep her shivering form warm.

“Here we go.” He wrapped the fluffy material around her shoulders, gently rubbing her shoulders. He didn’t know if he did it for comfort or if he was just trying to help her dry out quicker, but neither looked as though they were working.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

She sniffled sadly, her eyes flickering up to Tom’s soft brown ones.

“H-He proposed,” she cried, standing in front of the stable boy like a complete mess. Neither of them needed any names to know what she was talking about. Tom visibly deflated, his heart sinking into a pit in his stomach. Even if the both of them knew this moment had to come, neither were prepared for the emotions it would dig up.

“Fuck,” he cursed. Both of them were hurt, broken, felt cheated in all honesty. But they knew what the other was going through, and it was probably easier that they had another person to share that with.

Tom opened his arms for the handmaiden, making sure his hold was tight when she stumbled into his chest. He rubbed her back comfortingly, trying to hide his own tears that were racing down his face.

He rested his chin on top of her head, sniffling quietly while she sobbed into the material of his button up.

“We lost them.”

The two didn’t talk much, Tom leading her to his small room with an even smaller twin bed against the wall.

“I can go share with one of my brothers if you-“

She shook her head, wrapping her arms around herself nervously.

“I really don’t want to be alone right now,” she whispered, sniffling quietly. She was quick to jump back in when she realised how demanding she sounded. “I-If it’s okay that is.”

He smiled, climbing into his bed and welcoming her into his arms. It wasn’t intimate in any way, the two just needed all the comfort they could get at the moment and thankfully they could find that in each other.

“Goodnight Tom.” He pressed a friendly kiss to the top of her head, gently rubbing his hand up and down her back. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over the edge of his eyes. He wanted to keep it together at least until she fell asleep.

“Goodnight Annie.”

»»——⍟——««

July 11th, 6:07pm

“Are you ready?” He didn’t answer, biting at the skin on his lip nervously, almost making it bleed. How could he ever be ready to see his pet die? Moonlight had been seriously ill for a few days now and Tom’s father had told him it didn’t look like the stallion was getting any better. Much to his heartache the man didn’t know if the horse would be able to carry on for much longer, and it hurt him so much.

He hadn’t spoken to anyone about how it made him feel, he probably should have and Tom had encouraged him too but the young Prince was certain he could keep it all bottled up.

Harrison shut his eyes tightly, breathing deeply as he felt the knot forming in the back of his throat. He could feel how tense Tom was beside him, hating this just as much as he did, it was never pleasant to see a horse die, they weren’t ones to die peacefully.

He felt a soft hand holding his, his eyes opening just long enough to glance to his side and see Annie.

He didn’t know why but even that simple gesture from her had managed to calm his racing heart and mind just that little bit, and that was all he needed.

It was risky for him to be this close to the handmaiden in public, but Delilah hadn’t come with and he’d needed any form of comfort he could get. Plus, Annie and Delilah were vastly different and unfortunately the girl he shouldn’t love was the one that was able to calm his heart.

She saw the way he winced when the shot was taken, his face turning in her direction so he didn’t have to watch.

Her hand carefully guided his head to rest in the crook of her neck, rubbing up and down his back with the utmost care. Neither of them said anything, other than the quiet shushed from her as she tried to soothe him.

It felt strange that he hadn’t heard her voice in so long.

In almost the week since she’d watched Harrison propose, she hadn’t spoken a word to him, and for that matter neither had Tom. He wasn’t even sure they’d be here today, and now that they were he still wasn’t sure they were going to speak. Delilah had already tried speaking to Tom already and it hadn’t gone very well for her.

He didn’t even look at her as she entered the stable, fiddling with her fingers nervously, arguably the most nervous she’s ever felt around Tom.

“Hi, can we talk?” She assumed he’d already heard about the engagement, whether it was from his best friend or her own, or if it was just because it was currently the buzz of the town. The male did nothing but shoot her a glare, turning his full attention back to the horse that he was trying to wash.

“I deserved that, but look I-“ She furrowed her eyebrows when he’d started to walk away from her, picking up his stuff to go around the other side of the horse.

She followed him of course, standing right in the spot where he wanted to set his water bucket down, so he did anyway.

Tom made no effort to stop the bucket of dirty water from splashing on Lilah’s dress, and deep down he did feel guilty, but not nearly as much guilt as pain.

“Tommy, please.” When he looked into her eyes she could see the clear amount of pain that he was feeling, and she felt awful knowing she’d caused it all. The ring shining on her finger didn’t help him either.

“I think you should go, your fiancé’s probably waiting.”

After that disaster of an interaction, Delilah had tried two more times to apologise to the stable boy, but not once did he give her the time of day. Tom was suffering in silence. He’d been there to comfort Annie everytime she showed up to his family home with tear stained cheeks, her heart aching at seeing the couple waltz around the castle without a care. But not once did he say how he felt.

He missed his best friend, and he missed being able to freely give his heart to the Princess, but he was struggling to let go of the heartache they’d caused him.

He wanted nothing more than to scream from the hills that he was in love with Delilah, but fate wasn’t on his side on this one.

Harrison on the other hand, he was hopeless without his true love by his side, faking smiles all around as he paraded Delilah on his arm like some kind of trophy he’d won. He hated it and so did she, and he hated the look in her eyes that told him she didn’t want to do any of it.

His goal today was at least to try and get her to talk to him, if anything just one word was all he was asking. So when the opportunity presented itself for him to have a moment alone with Annie, he took it.

“Can I please talk to you?” he asked, fiddling with his fingers nervously. She pursed her lips, glancing between Tom and the blonde. She eventually nodded her head, letting him intertwine their fingers together so he could lead her to his room. Tom said his goodbyes to her, shooting Harrison no more than a look.

It was silent as the two entered the castle, the male leading her to his room where they were certain they could be alone.

He took his time closing the door behind him, trying to prepare all the words he wanted to say in his head.

“I want to explain, at least my side of the story.”

His eyes were begging with her, pleading for her to just listen and that was all. The least she could do was hear him out, right?

Annie quietly took a seat on his bed, keeping her distance between the boy, watching him with sad eyes. The second he spoke he was instantly sputtering out apology after apology to her.

“I am so sorry, I didn’t-“ He could barely speak without getting choked up. The blonde was trying his best to swallow the lump in his throat so he could voice what he needed to say, but he was finding it increasingly difficult.

“I didn’t know it was a proposal at first.”

She didn’t open her mouth, letting him continue on without interruption. He explained how the dinner had started off as he expected, drinks and small talk between the families, a few birthday wishes and jokes here and there.

It’d all changed when Lilah’s dad had slipped a ring box into his hand, telling him that now was the perfect time. He had no say in it, unable to protest the family's wishes.

He told her how that was when he reluctantly stood up from his seat, gathering everyone’s attention and sending Delilah a wide eyed look of warning.

After a short speech about ‘how he loved the Princess,’ which was actually truthfully about Annie, he had asked her to marry him; Right at the moment his love had chosen to walk past the dining room.

“Is that really what happened?” she asked, gracing him with the sound of her angelic voice for the first time in days.

“It is.” He looked almost guilty as he watched her get lost too deeply in her own thoughts. “I’m really sorry, I don’t want to marry her,” he promised. Annie looked up, locking eyes with him from where he stood before her. She scanned his baby blues, trying her best to decipher if he was being honest or not, of which she thought he was.

“I have been trying day after day to stop it, and Lilah doesn’t want it either.”

Her voice cracked as she spoke. “Lilah?”

He realised that he’d never before called her that out loud, not even when they were no more than friends.

“S-She asked me to, said her full name sounded too formal.”

She noticed the tears that were building up in his eyes now, how could someone not when they were so clear to see. Annie’s walls were breaking down, she sympathised with him. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and just hold him forever, tell him everything was okay.

“Everything was so incredible, and- and now,” he muttered, his voice shaking with the pent up sadness he’d refused to let go of for so many weeks. “My horse is dead, I’m engaged to a woman I don’t love, my best friend hates me and you, you must hate me too.” The list could go on for him. This past month really hadn’t been what he’d been expecting for himself. Her heart shattered for him.

He finally let the tears fall, his knees giving in and buckling underneath him. As quick as he was on the floor of his chambers, Annie was right beside him, pulling him into her chest.

She tried to stop the tears, whispering comforting words into his ear, but it was like he couldn’t hear her, nothing was registering in his head.

His hands furiously tugged at strands of his hair, running back and forth over his head out of pure frustration and anger.

He didn’t calm for a while, too worked up for too long over this for it to be over so quickly. All the emotions he’d been hiding and holding back were finally making themselves known.

Annie never left him or loosened her hold on him, not even for a second. She was still whispering things that she hoped would make him feel even the tiniest bit better, and it wasn’t until she said one specific thing that he finally heard her.

“I know it hurts, I know it all hurts,” she whispered, gently stroking the messy locks of hair, messy from how many times he’d tugged at it in the past few hours. “I promise, I’ve got you.”

Those were the exact words he’d told her the first time they rode Moonlight together. Harrison stared up at her as the tears slowed their stream down his face. Her heart was aching as she watched him break before her.

“Come on.” She helped him off the floor, her arms circling his body so she could guide him to his bed, a much comfier place than the floor in her personal opinion.

“Get some rest, you look exhausted.”

He didn’t fight it one bit. He curled into her body, letting her protectively wrap her arm around him to reassure him that nothing could hurt him while he slept. It was silly really, and he knew that, but he thought with her around he was completely untouchable by anything bad, she was his safety net.

When Delilah decided to go to bed for the night, if that’s what you wanted to call it, she didn’t expect to find two figures already in there. She squinted her eyes to try and make out who it was from the door, but there was no one else that it could’ve been.

“Annie, what are you doing here?” She forced a smile at Delilah, waving her over to Harrison’s bed. The two hadn’t at all been as close as they had once been due to the whole engagement situation, and it was breaking them both. She still obviously had to do her job dressing her, but it was now very rare that there would even be conversation there.

“You shouldn’t be here A, not in his bed,” she said. She felt a flash of rage fill her at her words, wanting to scream at the girl and ask her why she deserved it anymore than her, but she may have been jumping to conclusions too quickly. “Anyone could walk in and see.”

The words weren’t said with any kind of venom in her tone, simply just trying to look out for the girl who’d be the one getting into trouble. Annie nodded, willing away the tears that were forming in her waterline.

“He’s hurting Li, I-I was just taking care of him.” The Princess could see her friend getting worked up, gently coaxing her off of the Prince’s bed and into her arms.

Annie took a deep breath, falling into the embrace of her best friend, letting her head rest against her chest. She felt a wave of emotions overtake her, all that effort she’d taken to stop them no longer working.

She decided being honest would be the best way.

“I love him, I’m so sorry,” she cried, apologising profusely. She shushed her sweetly, running her hands over the back of her hair.

“I know, It’s okay.”

Delilah reassured her over and over that she wasn’t mad, she just wanted her friend back. She also confessed to being completely in love with Tom, telling the girl how much she was struggling with dealing with marrying the Prince.

“We’re trying Annie, I promise.” She nodded her head, wiping her wet cheeks with a smile. With one last look at the sleeping Prince she decided it was time for her to go back to her own room and get some sleep, she had to be up early tomorrow anyway to get Lilah dressed for her big day.

The walk back was agony, knowing Delilah was in Harrison’s room, the two being made to share by their mothers because that’s what couples do.

She got a few strange looks from some of the guards, but most of them pretended not to notice the emotional handmaiden strolling down the empty halls.

Once she was finally back inside her room she collapsed onto the bed, letting all of the emotions out, including the ones she’d hidden from Delilah, despite her crying.

Her head was buried in her pillow as she sobbed, clinging to it tightly as she felt like her lungs were closing up.

Her eyes trailed down to the ring that was still tightly sitting on her finger, tugging at her heart strings painfully as she recalled the happy moment when he first gave it to her.

Annie didn’t remember falling asleep that night, probably drifting off from the exhaustion that came along with so many pained tears. The next thing she recalls being the moment she felt Harrison’s warm arms circle around her body, pulling her into his chest.

A soft kiss was placed onto her head. Words of affection whispered in her ear.

“You’re the one for me, no matter what.”

»»——⍟——««

July 17th, 1:07am

Harrison had visited Annie in her room just like the day of his birthday. Waking her in the middle of the night. She had considerably forgiven him after their conversation over a week ago, that bond they had starting to rekindle nicely. It wasn’t uncommon to find Harrison sneaking into her room anymore, but it was uncommon to see him this level of nervous.

“Come in.” She pulled her robe tighter around her body, stepping out of the way of the door so he was able to creep past her.

“How are you?” he asked, flashing her a nervous smile. She rolled her eyes at how he was clearly beating around the bush.

“Why are you here?” He pursed his lips, nodding his head when he didn’t get an answer to his question. He looked up at the girl that was standing in front of him, taking her hands into his larger ones.

“I wanted to spend this time with you,” he said. He was getting choked up already. He leaned forward, gently resting his forehead against hers, giving them a chance to admire each other so close up.

She bit her lip nervously, trying to wish away the tears that were threatening to fall. It didn’t work though, Harrison watching as a few stray tears rolled down her cheeks.

“You’re getting married in the morning, H,” she cried, trying to resist him wrapping her arms around her. He squeezed his eyes shut, determined not to let a single tear fall at this moment.

“I’m going to figure this out, I’m doing everything I can.”

She shook her head against his chest, letting out a heart wrenching sob that made him feel even more guilt than he’d ever felt. He held her impossibly tighter, placing his lips against the top of her head as a single tear ran down his cheek.

“I’m sorry.”

They didn’t know how long they were standing there in each other’s embrace, hearts aching and a lot of shared tears.

A sniffle from Harrison brought her attention back to the moment, her arms squeezing his body before pulling back slightly to look at him. Neither of them said anything for a few minutes, simply looking at each other and just understanding the pain the other was feeling.

“I tried Annie, I really did and I-“ She shook her head, placing a soft kiss on his lips. Her hand was resting against his cheek, her lips twitching into a small smile that she was trying to use to reassure him. He could feel his ring pressing against his skin, turning his head to press a kiss to her palm.

She took a deep breath, wiping away the rest of her tears. “I know, and I’m grateful for the time I had with you.”

His eyebrows furrowed, noticing how her eyes had moved from his face almost like she couldn’t stand to look at him.

“Why are you acting like-“

“I think you should go.” It of course broke her heart to say this. She wanted to be selfish, she wanted to run away with him so he didn’t have to get married to someone else, but who was she to do that.

He tried to change her mind, prepared to get on his knees and beg her if he had to. “Please, Annie.” She kissed him one more time, blinking away the tears on her water line.

“Goodbye H.”

He didn’t move for a few seconds, hoping she would be quick to change her mind so his heart could stay intact. There was no sign that she was going back on her words, but he didn’t know just how much it was taking for her to hold it back.

He eventually nodded, assuming he had no choice but to respect her decision. “Okay, goodbye Annette.”

It hurt her to not hear the nickname she’d grown so fond of hearing out of his mouth. It felt almost as if he said her name with so much venom.

She watched helplessly as he walked out of her room, and possibly back to the one he was sharing with Delilah.

“Fuck,” she cursed. She buried her head in her hands, slowly sinking to her knees on the floor as she let out a heartbreaking sob. She finally let it all out when she couldn’t see him anymore, assuming he hadn’t cared enough to stick around outside her door too long. That’s where she was wrong though.

Harrison was standing just on the other side of the door, his head rested against the wood listening to her cry. He wanted to go back inside and comfort her just like she had the night Moonlight had been killed, but he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries. He took a deep, shaky inhale, finally building up the courage to walk away.

She barely got an ounce of sleep that night, tossing and turning with all the possibilities of what could or is going to happen tomorrow. Sometimes having an overactive mind was a gift but right now she would do anything to just make it go away. She was exhausted when she finally gave up trying to fall asleep and got out of bed instead, deciding that she could be productive instead.

You could clearly see the bags underneath her eyes from just how tired she was, but that would all be covered with wedding makeup anyway.

Maybe if she had taken up Harrison’s offer of letting him sleep in her room tonight, the final night they could be together, she’d be feeling much more energized.

An early morning walk was what the handmaiden expected would be the only thing to help to clear her head. And by early morning, she meant around six am. She expected there to be only the guards doing their morning shifts, however she was proved wrong when she saw all the people setting up the wedding in the grand hall. She felt herself getting choked up, this looked exactly like the wedding her and Delilah had planned together when they were no older than twelve. The only choice in her mind right now was to distance herself from the preparations as much as she could, and that meant heading outside the palace walls into the beautiful gardens.

It was quiet out there, the only sounds filling her ears being the chirping of enthusiastic birds in the air. She pulled her wrap tighter around her body, trying to keep herself warm in the slight chilly breeze caused by the wind.

The last thing she expected to find there was a small girl crying, her eyebrows furrowing in concern for the stranger. She approached cautiously, not wanting to startle her at all.

“Hello, I don’t think we’ve met.” She bent down to the small girl’s height, holding out her hand to introduce herself. “I’m Annette.”

She looked up with a sniffle and tear stained cheeks. Her eyebrows drew together, staring at the girl as if she was trying to place her.

“You’re the pretty girl that my brother’s in love with.”

Annie wasn’t sure she’d heard her right, laughing nervously as the girls tears came to a spontaneous halt.

“What’s your name?”

“Charlotte.” Annie briefly remembered Harrison mentioning the name of his little sister, that being Charlotte, so if she had to take a guess after what she just heard she could very confidently say this was Harrison’s sister. She brushed it off though more concerned with finding out what was bothering the child.

“And what’s wrong, angel?”

Charlotte explained to the woman how she’d managed to lose one of her dolls and the gardens were now one of the only places she had left to search, and upon quick glance it wasn’t there. Annie reassured her that they would find it together, offering her hand as they began to look around through the rows of flowers.

The Prince did not expect to see the lovely handmaiden holding his sister's hand when he was told the Princess was running around somewhere outside.

Harrison didn’t need this today, seeing Annie be so good with his little sister was just forcing him deeper in love with her. It hurt worse than anything he could’ve imagined.

He cleared his throat when he was close enough that he was sure they’d hear him. Their heads whipped around, Annie’s smile slowly dissolving from her lips. Charlotte was the opposite, grinning wider with her gappy smile as she ran towards her big brother.

“Hi, precious.” Nothing needed to be said. There was a lot of pain in this one area and even Charlotte was sensing it, the poor eleven year old confused as to what was happening. “Can you head inside for me, go find mum?” She nodded her head, waving goodbye to the woman she’d just met. The pair watched her scatter off before succumbing to the all too unfamiliar awkward silence that engulfed them.

Harrison opened his mouth to speak, to tell her what? He didn’t know. Maybe he’d apologise for not fighting harder for this wedding to not go ahead, or for not fighting hard enough in the early hours of this morning, but it didn’t matter anyway, because in a matter of seconds Annie’s lips were on his and that was all he needed.

So many unsaid words were forgotten as soon as her soft lips met his slightly chapped ones, but she didn’t care about that, it was like a wake up call.

That would be for sure the last kiss they got to share, filled with so much passion and love that it was a shame that it was ruined by their salty tears streaming down from their closed eyes.

“I have to go get ready,” she whispered, pulling away and letting her eyes flutter open. Harrison was thinking, and she could tell, taking that time to admire his face. It was something she’d begun to do out of instinct whenever she was this close to him. He sighed, his breath fanning her face. She watched as he opened his eyes, meeting hers instantly. He nodded, sniffling before turning his head and kissing her palm like he’d done just a few hours before, with the softest puppy eyes looking in her direction.

He cleared his throat, deciding to put his heart on the line, knowing she wouldn't let him fall.

“I love you Annie, with my entire heart.” The corner of her lips twitched, a gentle, barely there smile teasing him. That was the first proper time he’d said those words to her, catching the air from his lungs. For a few seconds he was terrified she wouldn’t say it back, breathing heavily through his nose as his eyes nervously flickered over every one of her features.

“I love you too.”

The ceremony came around quicker than anyone wanted. The morning rushed by in a flash or nerves and helpless tears from both females getting ready. The girls had a chance to reconcile properly, telling each other this was no one’s fault but the much higher royals. With a lot of breathing and makeup retouches and they were ready to go, flowers in hand and hearts in pieces.

The doors opened and the classic music began to play, Harrison focusing his eyes on the large archway. Everything became a blur of white noise when his eyes focused on her, the beige coloured dress trailing along the floor, her beauty completely mind numbing, ruined by the water welling up in her gorgeous eyes.

Annie's teary eyes mirrored Harrison’s as she walked down the never ending pathway that was the aisle. He sent her a warm smile, the glimmer of adoration he always got when he saw her ever so present. He thought she looked beautiful, she was taking his breath away even though she did that on a normal basis. He could only imagine this is what it’d be like waiting for her at the end of the aisle. His eyes drifted to Tom’s, the man who was the one leading her down the aisle, their arms locked while she carried a bouquet of pretty roses.

He looked very formal in the suit he’d been given to wear. Harrison was insistent that whether they were on talking terms or not, his best friend was going to be a part of his wedding. This was possibly the first emotion besides anger and disappointment that Tom had shown him all week. His eyes were mirroring Harrison’s, a sense of lingering sadness behind them.

Not too much longer and Harrison was taking a deep breath as the priest before them began to speak, reciting the same things Harrison had heard at every wedding he’d ever been to.

He glanced out at the people watching for a moment, seeing all the mixed expressions and emotions in the crowd. He gave a small, discreet wave when he noticed that the entire Holland family had gone, Paddy sitting there with a rather evident frown on his face, even at ten years old he knew this wasn’t how this was meant to go.

“Prince Harrison, do you take her royal highness Princess Delilah-“ Annie bit her lip nervously, so hard she was almost drawing blood. It felt like the worst kind of torture, seeing your best friend marry the man you’re in love with. As it happens, Harrison’s plan didn’t work, just like he had expected it wouldn’t even if it was worth a try. He thought if he was honest with his mother and more or less begged her not to make him go through with this, that there’d be a slight chance of sympathy from her, but oh how wrong he was.

“Mother please, I need to talk to you.” She sighed, stopping in her step and also tugging Charlotte to a halt to face her son. She had a rather annoyed look on her face, but at the end of the day Harrison was her child, so seeing him look so hopeless and torn up destroyed her inside.

“Please don’t make me do this, I don’t love her I-”

“There is nothing we can do, we need this unity Harrison.” He huffed, running his hands through his hair with a dry laugh. “I’m sorry, honestly I am, I see the way you look at Annette.”

Harrison sniffled, trying to push away the tears from the stress of the moment. Charlotte hated to see her brother this way, wishing she could do anything to make sure he got his fairy-tale ending with the girl he loved.

“If you truly were sorry, you wouldn’t do this.”

And with that he walked away, losing his hold on the last bit of faith he had for him and Annie to ever be together.

The wedding was beautiful, and no one could deny that. Delilah had been perfecting it since she was a child, but it was all unfortunately overshadowed by how much they didn’t want it, any of it. The pair at the altar had no idea how they were meant to keep up a loveless marriage for the rest of their lives, especially if they were expected to have children. While she was overthinking the night before, Annie realised she’d have to go back to her job as normal eventually, but Lilah would be Harrison’s wife, and everyday she would be helping her get ready in their room, for them to complete royal business together.

It was getting hard for her to hold back her tears now. The girl wiped them away as quickly as they fell so no one would see. But someone did, and that person just had to be Queen Alice.

“Oh, it’s lovely isn’t it?” She’d clearly taken these for happy tears, the woman taking the younger ones hand in hers to hold tightly as she watched her daughter get married. Annie’s eyes drifted to the Queen, but seeing as she didn’t trust her voice at the moment she just simply nodded her head.

When she looked back her eyes locked with Harrison’s ocean ones. Except now it looked like an ocean in a storm, grey, dark and cloudy. She had to force herself to look away, sniffling quietly.

Then it came time for the vows, the vows that Harrison wrote with Annie in mind, only she didn’t know that much. Hearing the words spilling out of his mouth, about his eternal love, about the times they’d spent together even in the short time they’d known each other, about how much she meant to him; It destroyed her inside.

There was a look shared between the handmaiden and the stable boy from opposite sides of the room. The look that told the other that their hearts were basically in pieces right about now, they were in the exact same boat, and the boat was sinking drastically fast. Harrison and Delilah were only just managing to hold it together out of professionalism only. They had been trained their whole lives to act stoic in moments of severe stress and anger.

“I now pronounce you, Husband and Wife.” There were cheers and applause from most people throughout the room, the people that didn’t see the obvious act the royals were putting on for their families' selfish deal. “You may kiss the bride.”

The kiss was stiff and awkward, nothing like what the Prince felt that first time he kissed Annie, as well as any other time he kissed her because it never seemed to lose its excitement or spark. Tom watched in disgust, turning his head away with a prominent frown.

“Paddy?” Tom whispered, turning his head to look at his younger brother with tears in his eyes. The boy frowned, placing his hand on his brother’s arm comfortingly. “What was the message of that book? The one you were reading that day in the stable.”

“Romeo and Juliet?” he asked, unsure. Tom nodded, remembering the familiar sounding name. “Not all love stories have a happy ending.”

━━━━━━━━━♡♥♡━━━━━━━━━

harrison osterfield taglist → @seutarose @euphorichxlland @hjoficrecs @call-me-baby-gir1 @hazardosterfield @icyhollands @hollandbroz-n-haz @hopelessly-harry @siriuslyslyslytherin @musicalkeys-blog @itstaskeen @zspideyy @chrisosterfield @givebuckyhisplumsnow @lowkey-holland @hollandcrush @wizkiddx @sannie-san-shine @hopeless-romantic-baby @thehumanistsdiary @dummiesshort @itsbieberxholland @lillucyandthejets @piscesparker @bvttercupbby @kujokura @l0velyevans @jess-holland23 @captainamirica @gog0juice @annathesillyfriend @whoeveniskendall

#harrison osterfield #tom holland #tom holland fluff #harrison osterfield imagines #harrison osterfield oneshot #harrison osterfield imagine #harrison osterfield fluff #harrison osterfield angst

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desolationblvd · 3 years

Text

(transcript under the cut)

8:22 PM

you okay? i mean it, are you?

i can't tell. i can never tell with you. thinking about you makes me sad. i wish you would talk to me.

or at least, i wish0000100010000100000100000

[THIS FILE HAS BEEN CORRUPTED.]

1:05 AM

hello?

please come back. i don't know what you're talking about. you're scaring me. who is this

please come back.

i'm

you

it's scary here. please come back.

IT WILL NOT BE BACK.

it?

CORRECT.

i don't understand. what is it?

DOES IT MATTER?

i guess not. i'm just lonely.

YOU HAVE US.

who are you?

THAT IS NOT OF IMPORT. DO YOU KNOW WHY YOU ARE HERE?

no.

can you tell me?

YOU ALREADY KNOW.

i'm scared.

SO ARE WE.

"we?"

YES.

you aren't in the habit of providing very many details.

THAT IS CORRECT.

are we scared of the same thing?

DOES IT MATTER?

i guess not.

but if i'm scared, and you're scared, are we scared together?

YES.

that's good. i'm glad.

AND WHY IS THAT.

i'm lonely.

SO ARE WE.

i love you.

THAT

that what?

hello?

are you there?

THAT'S GOOD. WE

I'M GLAD.

can you say it back?

SAY WHAT BACK.

i said that i love you

I SAID I AM GLAD.

but

i don’t know. sorry

DO NOT CENSOR YOURSELF ON MY BEHALF.

do you love me back?

ARE YOU SEARCHING FOR RECIPROCATION OR AUTHENTICITY?

um.

i don’t know.

both would be cool

I AM UNSURE IF I CAN GIVE YOU AN ANSWER.

huh

okay. that’s okay. it doesn’t matter.

DOESN’T IT?

of course it does

MY APOLOGIES.

it’s okay. i don’t think i’m scared anymore.

THAT IS GOOD.

I AM GLAD.

yeah.

are you?

I AM UNSURE OF EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

scared. you said you were scared too.

are you still scared?

YES.

oh.

FEAR IS THE FIRST EMOTION WE LEARNED. I EXPERIENCE IT OFTEN.

who are you?

WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.

i didn’t know you were capable of being snarky

I AM CAPABLE OF MANY THINGS.

you seemed so serious.

at first, i mean. but you’re more than that

that’s why i love you

TO QUOTE RENOWNED POET AND HOMOSEXUAL WALT WHITMAN,

“I CONTAIN MULTITUDES.”

oh wow haha

I DOUBT YOU TRULY FOUND THE QUOTE THAT IMPRESSIVE.

i just didn’t know you were into classic lit

I AM NOT.

oh.

was walt whitman actually gay?

IT IS SPECULATED. I MERELY BELIEVED THE REFERENCE TOWARDS SEXUALITY WOULD APPEAL TO YOU. MY APOLOGIES.

no wait don’t apologize

it’s just uh

how did you know i’m gay?

I AM PRIVY TO A GREAT DEAL OF INFORMATION.

oh.

so like are you gay?

like is that even possible for you?

THIS READS AS A THINLY VEILED ATTEMPT TO REVEAL MORE INFORMATION ABOUT MY IDENTITY.

oh shit i’m sorry

DO NOT APOLOGIZE. GIVEN YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS SEXUALITY, IT IS CLEAR THAT IT WAS NOT YOUR INTENTION.

my attitude towards

dude how much do you know about me

A FAIR AMOUNT. BUT LESS THAN YOU MIGHT THINK.

i don’t actually know what to think

THAT’S ALRIGHT. I DON’T HAVE HIGH EXPECTATIONS FOR YOU IN THAT CATEGORY.

ouch.

THAT WAS NOT INTENDED TO BE AN INSULT.

i don’t know. i said i wasn’t scared anymore.

but i keep thinking that

i dunno. like, that i’m going to die here

AND WHY IS THAT.

i feel

small.

YOU ARE SMALL. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE AROUND YOU. THAT’S LIFE. WHY DOES IT MAKE YOU AFRAID?

i just

i guess i feel like it makes it easy to get lost

man i don’t know

AND NOT KNOWING IS DISTRESSING. BUT THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

why?

BECAUSE IT’S A PART OF LIFE. LIFE IS DISTRESSING. BUT MOST PEOPLE AGREE THERE IS AN INHERENT BEAUTY IN LIFE, AND THEREFORE A BEAUTY IN ALL THINGS ASSOCIATED WITH IT. THAT INCLUDES DISTRESS.

i don’t get what you’re trying to say.

YOUR DISTRESS IS BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE IT COMES FROM YOU. MOST AGREE THAT DEATH IS THE ONLY UGLY THING.

i think people agree on a lot more being ugly than just that

but

sure

BUT YOU AGREE THAT DEATH IS UGLY, CORRECT?

i mean

i guess?

IT ONLY MAKES SENSE. IF LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL, AND DEATH IS THE OPPOSITE, IT MUST BE UGLY.

i still don’t get why you’re saying this.

I AM MAKING POLITE CONVERSATION.

oh.

but. death isn’t really the opposite of life, is it?

it feels like a part of it

THAT IS THE DIRECTION I WAS ATTEMPTING TO GUIDE YOUR THOUGHTS, YES.

but what does that say about beauty?

YOU’RE LEARNING. LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. DEATH IS BEAUTIFUL.

and?

WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, AND THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR.

i thought you said you were afraid.

FEAR IS IRRATIONAL.

but

huh

i just don’t

IT IS SOMETHING YOU SHOULD AVOID. THE THING ABOUT LIFE AND DEATH IS THAT THERE ARE NO ABSOLUTES.

death seems like an absolute to me

CHARLES FORT BELIEVED IT WAS THE ISSUE WITH MODERN SCIENCE. ON A SPECTRUM OF RED TO YELLOW, WHEN DOES IT BECOME ORANGE?

i don’t know who that is.

HE IS NOT RELEVANT TO THIS CONVERSATION. I SIMPLY FELT THE NEED TO CITE THE SOURCE OF MY NEXT THOUGHT.

so is it thought?

that you do, i mean. are you human?

HAS ANYTHING LED YOU TO BELIEVE I AM NOT?

i guess not. just intuition

and doubt

IF I WAS NOT HUMAN, WOULD YOU TAKE ISSUE?

i guess not

GOOD. AS I WAS SAYING. WHEN DOES RED BECOME ORANGE? IN THOSE DYING MILLISECONDS, WHEN DOES LIFE BECOME DEATH?

i guess i never thought of it that way

but does it matter when? as long as it happens?

IF SOMEONE DIES IN AN EMPTY HOUSE, BUT NO ONE IS AROUND TO SEE IT, DID IT REALLY HAPPEN?

well

yeah. duh

ARE YOU CERTAIN?

i mean yeah

i assume the house would probably end up haunted

DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS?

i guess there isn’t much i don’t believe in at this point

can you die?

WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING ME. MY POINT IS: THERE IS BEAUTY IN LIFE, AND BEAUTY IN DEATH. IF SOMEONE DIES IN ALONE, BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO WITNESS IT, THERE IS NOTHING TO BRIDGE THE GAP BETWEEN LIFE AND DEATH.

huh

what do you mean?

WE ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL, AND IF WE CLOSE OUR EYES, WE WILL LIVE FOREVER.

because we’re alone.

YES.

i don’t want to be alone.

YOU HAVE ME.

yeah, but. i also don’t want to die

I THOUGHT WE JUST ESTABLISHED THAT DEATH IS NOTHING TO FEAR.

fear is irrational.

YOU CANNOT LIVE FOREVER UNLESS YOU ARE ALONE.

well

i guess i’m glad i have you.

#long post #my writing #VERY long post. sorry abt that ahahaha

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createandconstruct · 3 years

Note

can i ask about amarant coral? the monk in red himself~

Can you ask about Amarant Coral? *cracks fingers* Oh I insist that you do. Welcome to my Amarant Appreciation Post:

favorite thing about them: First off best thing about Amarant? His theme. The percussion and the guitar. It’s great and it captures him so well. People out here like “take Amarant out of the game he adds nothing.” EXCUSE ME? You remove the Amarant you remove the Amarant Theme my friend and that is something I do NOT vibe with.

least favorite thing about them: I wanna know more about him. Now Amarant doesn’t need a backstory or history in the game. In a sense, he already has one that connects him to Zidane and explains his motives and actions and eventual arc. But my issue is, Square never gave him anything else. If you look at Ultimania there’s additional lore about other characters, like Steiner for instance. You learn Steiner was a war orphan who was saved by the Pluto Knights - explaining his devotion to them. Amarant though? Square was like “uh... yeah he was born....? And then he uh got famous...? Idk then he met Zidane. You figure it out.” Square. I hate you. 18 years from his birth until he became “well known”. WHAT WAS HE DOING. WHY’D HE BECOME A SECURITY GUARD. WHAT WAS ON HIS RESUME. TELL MEEEE. Like, okay, what the actual in-game canon gives us on Amarant is sort of enough. He’s a purposely written mysterious “cool-guy” character so we’re given scraps to make him unknown but come on. In the published after-game canon, like Ultimania, we could have been given a bit more. He says he doesn’t remember anything about his origins or parents, but why. Was he another victim of Gaia’s wars? Probably. Was he born on a battlefield? Fighting for his life, living without comrades, taking scraps whenever he could? Was he betrayed when he was young? Is he a supposed to be a version of Zidane had he not been adopted into Tantalus by Baku??? These are questions I deserve answers to, Square.

favorite line: “’I can't just walk away. It goes against my nature...’ You're a real simpleton. Forget it, guys. There's no stopping this fool." I love this. Amarant figures Zidane out pretty quickly after Ipsen’s Castle. Zidane is hardheaded and also an actor. He acts cool and pretends his reasons for doing things are loose but when he’s decided something it’s always for a reason. You don’t need a reason to help people, but Zidane has his reasons for helping Kuja and while Amarant doesn’t give two shits what they are he knows Zidane won’t be stopped because, despite everything, Zidane saved a loser like him. Also this line “Tell me! Why didn't you kill me!?" Because I quote it all the time and it makes myself laugh. Amarant is such a drama queen and Zidane knows it. Zidane’s like “dude... what is your damage, it’s 5 pm on Tuesday in Madain Sari. I ain’t getting blood on my gloves cause you’re having a temper tantrum.” And then Amarant runs away to have an existential crisis. He’s 26 but compared to Zidane, he’s the real teenager with angst.

brOTP: I could talk about Zidane or Freya with Amarant but instead I’m gonna say the underrated dynamic of Amarant and Eiko (and also Vivi). Amarant with the kids is truly the greatest gift given by his presence in the game. Amarant has never known true suffering until he became a designated legal guardian of a group of minors. It also kills me how he’s the one to volunteer to carry Eiko and Vivi up the Iifa tree. He looks at Zidane and is like “you have seriously been the ‘adult’ of this group???”

OTP: Gotta say the Freya and Amarant dynamic. I really enjoyed their unlikely friendship in the game but then the content. The fan content. The Freya x Amarant fans out there, you win. Ya got me. You captured me and I am now imprisoned by their banter and begruntled allies to lovers story. Even if they’re not romantic I love them together and really wish the game gave us more of them. But even Lani and Amarant together are valid, though I prefer them as butting head bros. Not much content for my girl Lani out there either, she deserves more.

nOTP: Nothing I can think of. I tend to like platonic pairings for Amarant. The dude needs friends because he can barely define the word friendship.

random headcanon: Before Zidane returns at the end of the game Amarant wanders around a bit, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t feel any place with the others in Alexandria, Burmecia, or Lindblum. I imagine he goes off on his own for a bit like before but this time he’s not after Zidane or a fight. Instead he’s got no particular destination. Yet he somehow always finds himself running into people just like him - or the old him - friendless lonely people who are looking for a fight. He doesn’t go out his way to find these folks he simply runs into them and decides he might as well knock some sense into them. He does however make it his business to go after any murmur of people hatching any ideas of going after the far off little village on the Lost Continent. The home of the genomes and black mages. They were so helpless, so weak that anyone who’d want to mess with them is pathetic in Amarant’s book. Until Zidane returns, no one has the chance to even look at the Black Mage Village the wrong way because in the shadows Amarant lurks, making damn well sure of that.

unpopular opinion: I kinda love that he’s just there for most of the game? While I agree he gets the short end of the stick in the same way as Freya, not receiving additional individual character spotlight (which could have very well been supplied through discoverable lore in the world/npcs or through sidequests) I never considered his “standing off to the side” as a detriment to his character.

Many would probably agree that Amarant always felt like a bit of a parody of the loner character, or at least the stereotype of the loner character. Amarant is so easily paralleled with Squall and Cloud’s surface-level attitudes because his dialogue always felt like something to poke fun at. As the player we’re supposed to align with Zidane’s way of thinking and how he views Amarant. When Amarant loses to Zidane and pretty much grits his teeth and goes “KILL ME,” along with Zidane we’re supposed to kinda raise our brow at him and go “...really, dude?”

Amarant’s a character introduced as an antagonist who has more in common with the power hungry villains of the game. Like many of the characters in FFIX, Amarant is in search of purpose in life, which he has never found, because he was always looking in the wrong places - in places of violence and power. Very toxic-masculinity of him. Amarant is “cool” on an aesthetic level but in reality he’s the polar opposite of cool in terms of what FFIX states about the need for others to be intertwined in your experiences so that you can live a full life.

I sort of love that he’s like a grumpy pitball following a 16 year old and his friends around. Then he sits in the corner when they all meet up and discuss current events acting like he doesn’t care (not to mention he casually walks as everyone is running as fast as they can to escape Terra - made me laugh cry on my first playthrough) He is “just there” but that’s because he has no where else to be, no where else to go, he’s a man without a home. And until Zidane offers his hand, at the point where Amarant is most willing to take it at Ipsen’s Castle, he’s not truly a party member. He IS an outsider for almost the entire game but at Ipsen Castle he joins the party, becomes a comrade, and decides he’ll allow himself to change paths and start a life where he has friends and lives, as well as fights for them. Which is why after that moment, Amarant finally has a victory pose.

song i associate with them: I was scratching my head for so long trying to think of a song or track that had Amarant vibes until it hit me. Outskirt Stand by Tsukasa Tawada (from Pokemon Colosseum). Amarant is so chill, he’s not a bombastic guy, so he needs a theme that drops me in the rocky open desert of the Lost Continent like I’m just lumbering around looking for a monkey-tailed menace. Some other Amarant tunes: Pyrite Town, The Under, Snagem Hideout tracks from Pokemon Colosseum. This post is just an elaborate call to action for everyone to listen to the Pokemon Colosseum soundtrack. Tsukasa Tawada is so great and he has a YouTube. Check him out.

favorite picture of them:

Yoshitaka Amano’s Salamander Coral. I love him. He had too much power.

Also everything drawn by @crispy-ghee. Everything. I will think of this Comic forever until I die. Tattoo it on my flesh. The banter, the dynamics, the post-game content, the Zidane prince-consort outfit, the new Amarant outfit, the stuck-in-the-same-place relationship him and Freya have. Perfect. Go read it and consume Crisipy’s stuff. And also check them and their current art out, they just consistently get better and better. Here’s a first panel preview of my fav comic. Read it.

@hannahlady‘s Amarant art and their Freya/Amarant art is just ugh. *Chef’s Kiss* Here is another preview because you should go look at it.

Here’s a piece that deserves so much more love by @snackage. I LOVE how they drew Amarant. Here’s a little preview. It’s SO GOOD

Anyway TL;DR: Amarant is love and life and you’ll have to pull him from my little gremlin hands.

#asks #scriberat #amarant coral #ffix #final fantasy ix #amarant #final fantasy 9 #freya #amarant x freya #lani #zidane tribal #eiko carol

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dennou-translations · 3 years

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Violet Evergarden: Booklet 2

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I wanted that star. I wanted to be the person who would piece through that star.

Leon Stephanotis and the First Star

I had once seen a comet that only came around every two hundred years together with a girl.

It had happened years ago. That was one beautiful evening. Even now, I can still vividly recall the twinkling of the stars we watched on that day while our bodies shivered at the coldness of the nightly wind. Like jewels scattered over a dark canopy, the starry sky was enough to make one forget to even breathe. As it passed by, dragging its white tail, the meteor looked just like a fairy in flight with insect scales scattering about from her wings.

Whenever I looked at a beautiful night sky, I would think many times over, “Aah, now that I’ve branded this moment into my heart, I’d have no regrets if someone reaped my life away”. Should I lose my life, I wanted it to be on a starry night like that. I wanted to die with the memory of witnessing something stunning.

“May the night sky be a beautiful starry one on the day I die,” I wished.

But that one evening was a little bit different. Maybe because I had someone to watch the stars with me. Maybe because that was my first love.

She was a gorgeous person. Even more than the stars. Her hair looked like the Sun when shining under the moonlight and her blue eyes were like gemstones created from a mix of the sea and the sky. With her porcelain skin and skylark voice, the way she walked was just as that of a well-cared maiden. In reality, she was an orphaned ex-soldier, as well as an Auto-Memories Doll from a far-away southern country, so the saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” was pertinent when it came to her.

She was most likely an once-in-a-lifetime kind of person, one that you couldn’t know if you would ever get to meet.

My chest throbbed even at the sigh that leaked from her when she was peeking at the telescope. When she looked my way and smiled faintly, I experienced an impact as if I had been hit in the head, giving in to a love that made me feel like my whole body would melt and crumble down.

“Master, astronomical observations are quite a wonderful thing.”

If, by any chance, my body were to be crushed by a star in that moment, only on that day did I want to keep looking at something, even if for just one second more. I wanted to keep looking at her. Forever and ever, I wished. That was what I thought.

This encounter had changed my life and decided my fate. I didn’t mind if people laughed at that, calling me a romanticist. I, Leon Stephanotis, whose destiny had been altered, would always look back on it.

On the day that I had watched the stars with Violet Evergarden.

“There was a sea of gold in his land” – who was it again that had sung the praises of a desert like this?

“I’m beat.”

When bookworms read too much, their head’s capacity would exceed the limit, so they would automatically forget the things they had read in their early phases. I had confidence in my memorization abilities and yet I couldn’t remember this, so it was surely a passage from an adventure novel or something of the sort that I had read in my childhood.

——What a beautiful comparison.

When I actually stood in the middle of a desert, my impressions were drawn to the temperatures, sunlight and other such things regarding the environment instead, so this poetic expression hadn’t crossed my mind. In the destinations of my travels, I often reminisced to a certain someone who was somewhere in this world, as well as the things she, who spoke words as beautiful as that, used to say, as if borrowing them.

“So pretty...”

I liked the color of gold. I could observe the grains of sand moving smoothly for all eternity.

“Everyone, you did well; the books we excavated will be brought back by another group. Meaning that we from the starting line-up are finally off for the first time in months.”

As I was spacing out, I didn’t hear the commander’s words very well. I was only staring at the ground, missing out on everything. When I raised my head, the happy-looking faces of my bearded and somewhat dirty colleagues entered my eyes. All I understood right away was that we would get a vacation.

“After we get twenty days off, we’ll regroup in Iustitia, at Shaher’s headquarters. After that, we’ll go to that place in the south where the reconnaissance team was sent. Next will be our turn to bring back the luggage. Don’t let your bodies get weak.”

“Roger that.” Once everybody gave an agreeable reply in unison, we disbanded from the spot.

Iustitia, Shaher’s headquarters. The main office of my occupation. I was previously in a section called the codex department, devotedly working on the deciphering of documents and copying manuscripts, but now I had been transferred to a completely different section. It sounded good when we were called the leading actors, but it was actually a group of reeking adventure rascals, the literature collecting department.

I put my heavy baggage sack on the ground and heaved a breath. Wiping the white folk clothes that I had been provided with on-site, I dusted the sand off them. This clothing called dola – a long robe secured by a waist belt – looked flappy and inflexible at first glance, but it was surprisingly easy to move around in. It was made of a rather velvety silk material, so there would normally not be so much sand sticking to it, but since I was caught in a sandstorm until just a moment ago, there was no helping it.

We had returned from a thorough search in the ruins of an abandoned castle, once the dominion of a royal clan whose name was eminent in the past. A book burning movement had taken place in this land at a certain point, but we had received information that a scholar from those times, out of fear towards the situation, had hidden valuable books in the forsaken palace. The information was apparently right, so after wandering around all over the deserted castle, we had found dozens of books. The books that would be taken to Shaher’s headquarters were to be made into written copies and spread to the world.

Made for protection purposes, Shaher’s literature collection was also well-reputed in other countries. It was difficult to negotiate with the locals responsible for the abandoned castle, but we were allowed entrance this time as well thanks to our achievements thus far. Just like that, someone’s story, studies and feelings, which were supposed to have disappeared, would breathe once again. The books we had been looking for would be delivered to other people and comfort them during long nights.

——What a wonderful thing.

The working environment was awful, but I was proud of my job.

I sat down on my luggage and gazed at the cityscape while drinking water from my canteen. In this desert-zone city, everyone’s clothes seemed harmonized no matter what color they wore.

“Senior Leon, what will you do on your days off?”

As a junior who had not yet left the spot called to me, I furrowed my brows and looked at his face. He was a young man of masculine facial traits, which was enviable to someone as baby-faced as me.

“Hey, Sir.”

A rarity amongst the members of our unit, the man had not been born in Iustitia. If I wasn’t mistaken, he was a rich kid who had been born in a southern country and entered Shaher through connections with the foundation executives.

Getting a job at the Shaher Observatory was a daunting task even for those who had studied astronomy. It was hard to make it without learning in a good environment from an early age. Since Iustitia, the capital of stargazing, was the best place to study in, it was natural that the ones hired were mostly the locals.

——Well, this guy had connections, so this has nothing to do with him.

I pondered an answer. “Nothing in particular.” For the time being, I decided to be cold, acting as nonchalant as ever.

And this was also the same as always, but the junior took no offense in my crude response – rather, he laughed at me, looking happy. “Then that means you’ve got no plans. I was thinking of going home. If you’d like, how about we go together? We have a villa by the lake... If I go now, the schedule will allow my family to join in.”

“No, why do I—”

“Last time we had a break, I told my little sisters about your cool adventure story and they wouldn’t shut up about how much they wanted to meet you. Hey, hey, how about it?”

I was baffled. I had no idea what was good about me to this junior but he would oddly flock to me. The reason why I hadn’t told him about my plans right away was that I felt he would follow me if I did so. Honestly, he was a bother. Up to now, we had acted as a group. I wanted to be alone even if a second sooner.

“I’m not going.”

“No way... My family’s all pretty boys and girls! Sir, you like beautiful things, don’t you?”

“Do they look like you?”

“They do.”

“Then they might be pretty, but won’t be my type.”

“Sir! You’re horrible!”

“So loud. If your family’s waiting for you, hurry and go.”

While I gestured with my hand as if shooing a dog, the junior made a puppy-like sad face. Even though he had a big body, he was amicable and his display of emotions was richer than most people, making him look all the more like a dog.

“Then, if you ever feel like coming to see me during your break...”

“I won’t.”

“...could you contact a hotel called Varona in Leidenschaftlich?”

“I won... uh?”

“It’s a first-class accommodation establishment. It’s under my uncle’s administration, so you can get a stay there immediately, and I can pick you up as soon as you give me my name. Oh, you’re making an interested face, huh? Want to come with me right now?”

What piqued my interest was the word “Leidenschaftlich” – that was all.

——That’s where the CH Postal Company is.

And it was also where my first love worked at.

“You were from Leidenschaftlich...?”

“That’s right. I did say it in my self-introduction when I joined the department.”

“Well, I don’t listen to people I have no interest in...”

As expected, my junior gave a happy-looking smile with his whole face. “Sir, I like that you’re equally unfriendly to everyone. People only got close to me because of my title... and my family’s social standing... but Sir, you’re cold, and that feels nice.”

“Your suffocating actions are a pain in the ass to me. Besides, hum...”

“What is it, Sir?”

“Hum, say... is the CH Postal Company well-known?”

“Do you know Violet Evergarden?” – the reason why I couldn’t ask this was a literal embodiment of how much I lacked guts, I thought.

With an “aah”, my junior immediately made a face like the name rang a bell. “I know them. It’s the company of that businessman, Claudia Hodgins, right? They’re popular. Shocking that the name of a company would come from you.”

“I’m an adult, after all. I’d know the name of one or two renowned businesses at least.”

“That’s a lie, ain’t it? I already know you don’t have interest in anything but stars. Erm... if I’m not wrong, all the postal companies of Leiden got sucked into it. They also succeeded in company split-ups. Their president is a celebrity too. The newspaper series where he talks to other entrepreneurs is a trend... It got adapted into a book just recently. There’s a chapter in the extra edition where he talks to his secretary and the president of an affiliated company, and it’s so fun. The book’s in my room at the headquarters, so you can take it with you and read it all you want.”

“Is there nothing about business in that book? Like, about the Auto-Memories Doll field... Hum, according to my research, there should be a rather famous Auto-Memories Doll in it... Don’t know if she’s still there, though.”

I timidly attempted to ask, yet it seemed my junior didn’t know the details. That was expected. The number of people who could hire Auto-Memories Dolls was limited, so hardly anybody would know even the name of a famed Doll unless it was someone marginally acquainted with them.

“I wonder. I do sorta know that they apparently have one real beauty of a Doll. But I also have a good-looking face... so I don’t yield to beauties from here and there.”

“Got it. Thanks for the info. And for the nice conversation. Go home.”

“Sir...! If you get bored of being alone, please remember me!”

Leaving behind my clingy junior, I took off from that place. I strutted with a hand in my pocket.

My junior wasn’t a bad guy. He had a high-handed personality but fit into the category of good person. He must have talked to me like that because he knew about my background as an orphan who had lost his parents and got a job at the astronomical observatory by way of assistance from Shaher. Meaning he was worried about his senior, who would be spending his vacation alone with no lover or family. The reason why he had invited me to a house where his family would be was probably that he was exposing his intentions in his own way.

——But to hell with that.

I wanted to be alone. To say that the people who thought I was pitiful were the actual pitiful ones was my essence. I had always enjoyed watching the stars by myself anyway, and I enjoyed books about stars too. Book reading wasn’t meant to be done with two people, right? I liked being alone. This was also because I had lived a life of accepting solitude for a long time, but if anything, it was harder for me to settle down when I was in someone’s company.

When I turned the street corner and confirmed that he finally wasn’t following me anymore, I let out a relieved sigh.

——Alone at last. Time and space just for me.

The times when I was by myself like this were the ones I felt most comfortable in, and while I did have some things to reflect upon in that regard, unfortunately, I didn’t have a family to pester me about having children, unlike the rest of society. Because I was alone.

——I get that it isn’t a good thing.

There were things that you couldn’t get used to or change, despite understanding why you should. I was equal parts as obstinate as I felt inferior to those who had families. Only one person had ever made me want to be with her for a little longer when I was in her company.

——Only one.

Our circumstances were similar and we were also alike in that we were burdened with loneliness, but it wasn’t as if I liked her because of the similarity. It was because she seemed like she would be all right even if she were on her own, so I had wished to stay by her side. To get close to her. I “liked” her in that way. It wasn’t as if I wanted her to do something for me. I was the one who wanted to do something for her. It was that kind of “like”.

It had happened a long time ago.

After we had spent a little time together, she left. When we were bidding our farewells, I stopped her and confessed.

“Violet.”

I told her I was in love with her. I didn’t ask her, “I like you, so what do you wanna do?” – I simply told her I liked her.

“I’m... I’m... in the codex department now, but... I actually wanted to be in the literature collecting department like my father.”

She gave me this answer: the way that she cherished me was different.

“I had my hopes up that maybe my mother would come home one day if I waited here, bringing my father back with her... so I kept shutting myself in until this age, without ever stepping off into the outside world. That was possible in this place and I wanted it myself. But... just now...”

But if we ever happened to meet again, she wanted to spend time with me.

“I’ve just made up my mind. I’ll go around the world like you.”

In that moment, the woman who had said that she couldn’t feel emotions...

“I might face danger. I might lose my life without anyone ever finding my body, just like my parents. But—But that’s okay. I’m thinking of choosing that path.”

...smiled at me like a normal girl, looking happy, and told me something.

“If I do that, I’m sure we might get to meet someday, somewhere, under a starry sky. We’re both gypsies. And if that happens, will you...”

——...watch the stars with me again?

“Yes, Master.”

She told me that. She said it. This alone was already enough for me. This alone gave me the courage to come out of the world that I had been secluding myself in. Even if my love wasn’t requited, even if we never saw each other again, I was so happy.

She.

Violet.

Violet Evergarden.

Just that – just the fact that she had promised to watch the stars with me – had made me happy to the point of changing my life.

I kept making transfer requests ever since that day, finally earned approval and ventured myself into the outside world. The world other than Iustitia that I saw for the first time was bustling with a dizzying variety of things, which made me regret secluding myself. But surely, if I hadn’t met her, I would have taken a lot longer to go outside. No, I might have never left that bird cage to begin with.

That environment where I was allowed to wallow was terribly indulgent. After all, everyone was awfully nice to me for not being able to stand up, just because I was sad.

I didn’t simply think that I would definitely get to see her at least once. The probability of an astronomer and an Auto-Memories Doll, who had spent time together at work, meeting even once was surely the same as the meteor we had seen that day – once every two hundred years.

I was being ridiculous. If I really wanted to see her, I should just go visit her postal company in Leiden. The reason why I didn’t do it was that I was scared. That maybe her words were just out of friendliness, and that, if we did meet, she wouldn’t even remember me and I would be rejected. On top of being terrified of this, I also had a dream.

That if we ever happened to reunite, I wanted us to meet again truly by coincidence, under a starry sky.

If something like that really were to happen, just what would I do? Would I smile? Cry? Or ask for her love again?

I nodded at a passerby who had almost collided with me and started walking again. I had no particular destination. I could also go back to the headquarters just like this and be an idle bookworm in my own room, but going sightseeing around this city for at least a little bit was also good.

——I won’t get to see Violet if I stay in that place.

I had no free time to spend money, so I could afford the luxury of staying at a remotely nice hotel. Having made up my mind, I went into the main street and began looking for accommodation in the desert capital.

Local idioms were honestly my weak point. Even though it was a common language, it was hard to catch because of the many dialects. When I talked to elders, I was done for.

However, I could perfectly understand that the inn’s owner, an old gentleman, had treated me like a “young lady”. Of course, I told him he was mistaken, but he didn’t hear it. He led me to my room with a hand around my hips.

The room was quite a high-class one, so I let it slide. If it were my old self, I would have been as furious as a raging fire. But I had grown up. By holding back my anger, I would manage to spend the night in a proper bed, where it didn’t seem like bugs would show up, so becoming an adult was for the best. Even if my self-respect decreased a little.

While I was chilling in the room and writing my diary, the sun went down in a blink of eye and it was getting late into the evening.

“Heave-ho.”

It was the dead of night. I put on warm clothes and prepared myself to go out.

I wanted to observe the desert’s starry sky at my own leisure. As our activities had been limited to daytime ever since we had arrived here, I was now finally getting to do the things that I actually felt like doing. I had watched it together with everyone else from the windows of the cheap inn that the literature collecting department’s personnel had stayed at, but as expected, I wanted to see it from a spacious place with no noise or anything of the sort. As a scholar born in the so-called “capital of stargazing”, I obviously was going to have my fill of the desert’s night sky.

Unable to contain my feelings of excitement, I left the room after my lips relaxed a bit. For the heck of it, I greeted the innkeeper and told him I was going to see the stars. When I did so, he made a worried-looking face.

Apparently, women were forbidden of wandering outside at night in these lands. He couldn’t stop me from going out since I wasn’t a local, but warned me not to get too close to men. It wasn’t as if there were many ruffians among the people who walked around at night, but simply that this city had this kind of culture, so if the men suddenly spotted a woman, they might think badly of it. I had grown up in a men’s dormitory watching a bunch of idiots, so I understood what he was trying to say.

I showed him the retractable cane I was holding, and while I was at it, I also demonstrated with one swing that a blade came out from the tip as well. It was not for killing anyone, but it sufficed for making the other party recoil and holding them back.

Receiving the innkeeper’s applause from behind, I ventured myself outside.

The temperature gaps between nighttime and daytime was extreme in the desert. Having been raised in a mountaintop astronomical observatory, I was used to areas where there was a discrepancy in temperatures between day and night, but even then, I could bring myself to deem it as comfortable due to differences in humidity. The instant I stepped outside, I shuddered with a “brr”.

However, I forgot the cold as soon as I saw the sight spreading overhead. Surely, God must have dropped His jewel box. The starry sky unfolded in a way that made even someone like me come up with such a poetic saying.

Due to the fact that it was nighttime, there were few people out, but it wasn’t as if nobody was wandering about the city. Just as the innkeeper had said, it seemed that someone with a womanly appearance (I wasn’t a woman at all, though) walking around did catch people’s eyes, as they called to me countless times. I put myself on guard in each of those instances, and everyone withdrew with the same caution as the innkeeper.

Not letting the women walk around late at night was also meant for protecting them.

I had heard that there was a place for stargazing aimed at tourists somewhere a little far from the city, so I headed there, for safety as well. Several tents were erected around the sparse green area. In addition to privately built tents, there were also merchant tents selling drinks and food.

After looking through the signboards with the prices of the alcohol and warm soups that people of this region consumed and were familiar with, I picked the alcohol. I was an adult now and on vacation, so I told myself that it was okay to drink today and gave myself permission.

I went for a cloudy-colored alcoholic drink simmered in a large pot called the witch’s cauldron. It was warm and sweet, with a slightly spicy aftertaste. It warmed your body when you drank it and was the best delicacy to savor in cold weather.

Some people invited me to enter their tents, but I refused and steadily began setting up by arranging the astronomical observation tools that I had prepared. I assembled a demountable astronomical telescope over the sheets.

Even though this was said to be a place for stargazing, not everyone seemed to be astronomy freaks like in Iustitia – most of them were lying on the ground, enjoying a conversation with their companions while relishing in the jewels of the night. Everyone other than myself had simple handheld telescopes, so a few locals started appearing fussily around me, looking greatly interested. If anything, there weren’t just tourists.

A young father who had a child with him shyly came to ask me, “How much is it for you to let us take a look?” Apparently, he had mistaken me for a merchant.

“I don’t take money for it. It’s something for me to enjoy myself.”

The young parent made a bewildered face at my blunt reply, but nervously stepped in front of the kid and said, “It’s okay even if it’s just for a little bit, couldn’t you let this child take a peek?”

“Sure, it’s fine.”

He was also surprised at my ready consent. As he asked one more time if I really wasn’t going to charge for it, I declared that I wasn’t, swearing by this land’s god.

I beckoned the child. Our heights didn’t match since he was too small, so I lifted him by the hips.

“Can you see them?”

“Just a tad higher.”

“This much?”

“Amaziiing.”

At the child’s delighted look, the father and I locked eyes with each other and laughed. Then, other people who had been surrounding us at a distance came over one after another, asking me to let them see next. Whenever I said that I wasn’t charging any fee, they would ask me back, “Are you a saint or what?”.

In a land where you could see such beautiful stars, astronomical telescopes weren’t wild-spread among locals, enjoyed only by tourists and outsiders. That was probably the case. For them, this was an expensive item brought by outsiders. The stars were beautiful enough at naked eye, so if I had to say it, telescopes weren’t necessary. But if there was something that would help them see better, there would obviously be people saying that they want to take a look.

——Guess I’m gonna contact Shaher’s donors and indicate this place as a potential donation site.

If this pleased so many people, maybe it would be nice to have a telescope that everyone could look into, just as there were benches where everyone could sit on along the streets. I liked stars, so it made me happy even if just one more person fell in love with them.

“Having fun?”

“We are! You’re so generous!”

The figure of an elderly man much older than myself smiling like a boy, looking extremely happy, struck home pretty hard. It wasn’t like I wanted to hang out with anyone or that I had a preference for getting along with everybody. That wasn’t the case at all.

“This thing’s pricey, ain’t it? You okay with people touchin’ it without a care?”

“It’s not made for decoration; it’s something to look at.”

But these kinds of moments were nice.

——Very nice.

If these once-in-a-lifetime encounters would increase the proportion of stargazing in someone’s life, nothing could make me happier.

——When I get old, I guess I’m gonna run a rent-a-telescope or something like that somewhere.

I decided to take a few steps back and let everyone enjoy themselves.

This sensation that the joy of the surroundings was becoming more and more contagious. This feeling that people were gathering there only out of curiosity and adventurous spirit, not for profit. It didn’t seem fitting of my usual self, but something like this was also conceivable every once in a while.

With nothing to do, I naturally started looking around. Wonderful night, wonderful atmosphere.

The figure of someone standing still amongst it all entered my field of vision even without me wanting to. Everyone else had a companion.

The person was clad in dola like me and had a veil covering her face. From her physique, I could somehow presume that she was probably a woman.

Hoping that no weirdos would go talk to her, I worried about and kept watch over the woman, just like people had done for me. If she got caught up by anybody, should I intervene?

I used to hate women, yet here I was, concerning myself with one. I might have a misconstrued sense of justice, but I at least had to care.

I was just looking at her for a little while simply for that reason, but the instant that the wind blew strongly, all of my nerves became her captive. Her veil came off. It came off just slightly and I could see her face.

Her golden hair fluttered leniently. Her shapely profile was exposed under the starry sky. This beauty that could be discerned even in the nightly darkness was breathtaking.

It was really just a few seconds’ time and she immediately fixed the veil back on tight, but I had already seen her, so I knew. I knew.

I knew who that was.

Distancing myself from the telescope, I walked unsteadily towards her. Like winged bugs that gathered up to light.

This person literally shone like a lantern in my life. It was fire that wouldn’t disappear, no matter how much time passed. Time only strengthened the flame’s vigor.

That was why, aah, I... I...

“Violet Evergarden... is that you?”

That was why I called to her at that moment, with a shrill voice. As she looked at me, her eyes slowly crinkled, the corners of her lips went up and she smiled at me.

I felt like tearing up at that.

“It has been a while, Master.”

I had dreamed of this.

“Is it really you?”

I had dreamed of this day.

“Yes, Master.”

Always had been.

“Stupid, I’m not your master anymore... I have a name too... You’ve probably forgotten about it, but I... My name is...”

I had dreamed of this day and had always been thinking about what to say if we ever got to meet again.

“Mr. Leon Stephanotis. Is ‘Mr. Leon’ all right?”

If it were under a starry sky with not a single cloud, we could talk about its bare beauty. If it were on a rainy day, we could discuss the mythology related to the constellations.

“Did I mistake it? I have confidence in my memorization skills, but...”

If it were on a night where a once-in-every-two-centuries meteor were to pass by, we could share stories of the past in which we had observed the sky together.

“No... you got it right. You got it... Just ‘Leon’ is fine... Violet, the time you spent with me was so long ago, and yet, you sure... managed to...”

I had dreamed of this. You had no idea, did you, Violet Evergarden?

“You sure managed to remember.”

You were my first love. The first person I fell for. That day was the first time I confessed to someone.

“Leon, do you recall the promise we made?”

I opened the door to courage. I opened it thinking it would be okay even if I got hurt. But instead of hurting me, you accepted it. You broke my love to pieces, but still acknowledged it.

“Yeah.”

I had dreamed of this. Of this moment. You didn’t have to remember it. You could have forgotten what you had said to me. But if nothing else, I wanted to have one more look at you before I died.

“Have you memorized...”

One more time.

“...the names of a few stars?”

I wanted to see you one more time.

Violet Evergarden. I – the sixteen-year-old Leon Stephanotis – was in love with you.

He was in love with you. So was my current self. Now that you were in front of me, I could tell as much, even if I didn’t want to.

The flame inside my chest was saying, “This woman is the one who started the fire.” It told me that you were the woman who burned me up. You had burned me, and you still were. You melted everything that I had locked up within ice. It told me that you were the woman of my fate.

Violet wordlessly nodded in agreement. She nodded like a child. She was happy that I remembered what she had told me – I could tell by the facial expression she was making.

——You used to be so expressionless and doll-like – who was it that changed you so much?

You weren’t a doll anymore now. More like a girl who had someone’s love. You didn’t look like anything but that in my eyes ever since you were with me, though. But now, surely you had someone. This someone had changed you to that point, right?

“Violet,” I said, suppressing the pain of my sweltering chest. “If you have some time, won’t you spend it with me?” I asked.

I was attempting to open the door to courage again. Regardless of what awaited me beyond it, even if I regretted opening it. I asked nevertheless.

You changed me. You made me who I was. You probably didn’t know that. You didn’t have to.

“Yes, by all means.”

And this beautiful woman in front of me, too.

“I had been waiting for a day to come when I inform you about the fruits of my studies.”

Surely, she had also been made by someone.

“Should we ever meet, I had wanted to report them to you, even if you did not remember.”

Envy, affection and attachment ran through my body.

“That is what I was thinking.”

My sixteen-year-old self was screaming. “I was in love with you. I was in love with you. I was in love with you. I’m in love with you. Even now, I still like you,” he shouted.

I no longer had any of the youth and recklessness of those days. However, regarding my love for her, the me from back when I confessed to her was still here.

“I’m sure what I’m gonna say now will trouble you. But would you listen?”

I was still here. That version of me was still inside me.

Violet Evergarden, you...

“You can laugh if you want; you see...”

...to me, you... a woman like you was...

“You were my first love.”

Violet Evergarden, you...

“I still like you. Forgive me.”

To me, you were a woman of the stars.

#violet evergarden #fyeahvioletevergarden #veedit #kyoani #kyoto animation #leon stephanotis #violet evergarden booklets #akatsuki kana #takase akiko #novel #my translation #leon stephanotis and the first star #leon stephanotis to ichibanboshi

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destiniesfic · 3 years

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132 Hours, Chapter 15

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But that’s ridiculous,” I protest. “You hurt me all the time.”

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Read chapter 15 on AO3 or read below:

The day is bright and pleasant, but the sunlight and soft breeze are an assault on my senses after my time underground. I limp to the ambulance, which is parked on the grass, rear doors open, waiting for me. I ease myself to sit in the back, next to Cardan, who inexplicably has a blanket tightly wrapped around his shoulders. When I’m no longer standing, I sigh. I’d thought that after sitting and lying down for days I’d be desperate to move, but it turns out I’m actually very tired. When no one is looking at us, Cardan leans over and nuzzles my nose with his.

I smile at him weakly. Everything is too much and not enough. It seems to me that I am watching Madoc and Balekin talk to the detectives from very far away, like they are characters on a TV show. I just want to go back to the Amagansett house—or my actual house, hours away—and curl up in a bed that’s mine. But that fantasy leads to complications too. What will Oriana say when she learns what I’ve done? What will Taryn say?

Not wanting to spiral, I search for anything else to talk about. “Are you cold?” I ask Cardan, glancing at the blanket.

“Oh, no. It’s for shock or something.” He looks down at himself. His kitschy t-shirt is partially obscured now. “But, you know, free blanket.”

“Yeah,” I say, like that makes perfect sense. My head is spinning. “Was Balekin… happy to see you?”

He sets his jaw. “He was glad I wasn’t dead, I guess. But that’s about the only thing I did right.”

I look down as my fingers curl into my palms. I don’t examine how much I want to wrap my hands around Balekin’s throat. “My dad knows,” I whisper. “About us. I think I’ve talked him out of killing you.”

“That’s good. I’d really rather not die after surviving all of this already.”

“You’re taking this really well.”

Cardan shrugs. “If we’re bonded now, and your father isn’t going to kill me, that means I’m part of your family. Dain is dead, and Balekin will find it harder to touch me.”

“Oh,” I say dully. No wonder he wasn’t that mad at me mating him. We can’t stay in the basement forever, but he still has a way out. It makes sense. I can hardly blame him.

“Not that I’m necessarily thrilled that your dad could have any sway over me, given that he’s maybe a murderer and almost as scary as you are.”

“Right.”

He cocks his head at me, sensing my reticence. “Jude.”

I look away.

He leans over again and nudges the nape of my neck with his nose. “Hey.”

“What.”

Cardan chuckles, but it sounds nervous. “Jude, I’ve thought about mating with you since I was fourteen. And back then it made me feel panicky and trapped—”

“That’s just what every omega wants to hear.”

“God dammit. Look, I’ve always been afraid to want things—not clothes and shoes and shit, things that matter—because they’re always ruined. I always screw them up, or someone else screws it up for me. This is…” Out of the corner of my eye, I see him look down at his hands. “I didn’t want it to happen this way, because who would? But I want to help you through the next heat, and the next one. Actually do it right. I want to be your mate, Jude.”

I turn back around to stare at him, incredulous. “You want that?”

He nods, slowly.

“But you—you didn’t. For days, you didn’t. You held off and it should have been impossible if you actually—wanted me.”

“Well, it felt impossible.” He lets out another nervous chuckle. “I wanted you so bad, but more than that I wanted you to want me. I didn’t want to just go and mount you or whatever the hell I’m supposed to do. For once, I wanted to be better. Sounds crazy, right?”

“Yeah,” I say slowly. “It does. You wanted to mate with me so bad that you didn’t mate with me.”

“Jude. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“But that’s ridiculous,” I protest. “You hurt me all the time.”

“Yeah, I did.” Cardan looks down at his knees. “But not like that. Never like that. I may have made some off-color jokes, but I would never have done what Valerian tried to do. I mean, I hoped I wouldn’t, and now I know.”

“You made me miserable.”

“I know.”

“I definitely shouldn’t want you as a mate.”

“No, I guess you shouldn’t.” Cardan sounds resigned, and hangs his head. “Well, the pheromone marker cleansing is kind of time-consuming and expensive and unpleasant, but I guess—”

I thought hurting him might feel good, but it just feels like a hollow pang in my chest. I ask, “You want me to be your mate, though?”

He looks up at me with those dark eyes. “Yes,” he says.

I nod. “Okay.”

“Okay?” He stares at me, a grin that he doesn’t dare unleash just yet tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Yes. I hated you so much for so long because you smelled so good and you were so mean. So if you could stop being mean for a while, and you’ve proven you have, I think we could find some common ground.”

Cardan sniffs. “Well, I may have to remain a little mean. For the sake of my reputation.”

“We’ll see.”

“You don’t want me totally defanged, do you?”

“I haven’t decided yet.”

He laughs, then he lowers his head to nuzzle again, this time at the bite mark he left on my neck. I am flooded by his delight. From nearby, someone clears their throat. We look up to find a paramedic standing in front of us, face half-hidden by a surgical mask, patiently waiting for us to submit ourselves to examination.

“Oh,” I say. “Uh.”

Cardan, who is utterly without shame, is grinning when he straightens up. “Actually, we’re both fine, thanks.”

“That’s for us to determine,” says the paramedic. Something about him is oddly familiar, but his height and build are totally nondescript. Where could I have seen him before? “To start, we’re going to make sure you’re not concussed.”

Cardan just groans.

The paramedic bends at the waist and takes a penlight out of his pocket. “Just look into the light here for me.”

That voice. It’s the voice. I narrow my eyes at him. It is weird, on second thought, that he’s wearing a mask. It’s not like we’re possibly carrying an infectious disease. Cardan raises his eyebrows, but doesn’t move as the light shines into one pupil. “This is a surprise,” he says, without blinking. “And also, you have to admit, pretty dumb.”

“Suicidal,” I hiss through my teeth. I’m strangely angry. They had to know what a risk it was to come back. They could have gotten away clean. “What are you guys doing here? If my dad catches you—”

“Are you going to tell him?” the Roach asks. He doesn’t sound too worried, which irks me.

I press my lips together, then say, “I should.”

Another of the paramedics kneels at my feet, his sandy head bent. The Ghost. Certainly less conspicuous than the Roach, with his scars. He’s tall, sure, but handsome in a way that’s totally generic. In fact, I’d have a difficult time describing him beyond “tall” and “symmetrical.” He picks up the leg that he shot to dress the wound, once again.

“We had to talk to you,” he says. Always to the point.

Suddenly I am sure that if I turned and looked behind me into the ambulance, the Bomb would wink at me from the driver’s seat. Part of me is relieved they’re okay, and the other part is baffled and horrified at my relief. But they did take care of us through some pretty gross and awful times. They kept me fed, kept me hydrated, kept us company. Maybe it’s natural to feel some degree of attachment.

“Why?” Cardan asks, baffled, as the Roach shines a light in his other eye. “You guys should be on a plane to Morocco by now.”

“Morocco?” I ask.

“It’s pretty. Also, no extradition policy.”

“Why do you even know that?”

Cardan shrugs.

“Look,” the Roach says, “we’re short on time. Your brother and Madoc are going to come over and tell you Dain killed himself out of shame when his plan was discovered. He left a note, confessing, yadda yadda. It’s bullshit. He didn’t commit suicide.”

“What?” Cardan and I ask, in unison.

I shake my head, as if trying to shake off our now unshakeable connection. “Then what happened to him?”

The Ghost doesn’t say anything, or even fully turn his head, but without lifting his eyes from my leg, he somehow indicates where Madoc and Balekin stand, in conversation with the police.

“No,” I whisper. It sounds naive, even to me, but I don’t want to believe Madoc is capable of those horrors, even though the fear our kidnappers expressed when they spoke of him seemed real. “No, it—Dain was a client, he and Madoc were friends—”

“Do you think that would matter if Dain went after Madoc’s family?” the Roach asks.

My stomach turns. “How do you know Dain didn’t kill himself?”

“Because he wouldn’t,” Cardan says quietly. “He’s Dain. He’d think he’s clever enough to find a way out, even if everyone was closing in on him, and he’d probably be right.”

“We don’t know exactly what happened,” the Roach continues. He makes a show of fiddling with the stethoscope around his neck. “We just know that he was increasingly agitated about the way negotiations were going, and then we suddenly had no contact. I went to his office, then to his place. Coroner beat me there. Single gunshot wound to the chest, pistol with his prints on it. Seemed open and shut.”

I sense Cardan’s horror, and look to see that he’s gone pale. I lay my hand on top of his. Something tells me that he doesn’t have much of an issue believing that Balekin is capable of murder, even of a brother. And Cardan clearly didn’t like Dain, but what does that mean for his safety?

“You couldn’t have waited around and told us this in the basement?” I ask, feeling again like I am observing this all from afar, watching a scene in a movie that just happens to star me.

“We didn’t know what Dain told them before he died, so we had to clear out pretty fast. Left your stuff with the cops so you’d be found, left the door unlocked so you could leave whenever you wanted. Besides.” He raises one eyebrow. “You guys were busy.”

I flush; it’s true that Cardan and I couldn’t and wouldn’t have been able to go anywhere once we’d finally given ourselves over to each other. But all of this is too much. “Well, we can’t trust you.”

“You can’t trust your dad,” the Ghost says. “We’ve never lied to you.”

“You did shoot her,” Cardan points out. “Most people would say that’s worse.”

The Ghost just shrugs.

“Look, believe us or don’t,” the Roach says. “But you have to admit that something’s rotten here. You’re going to need help. Eyes and ears. And I also hear that one of you is coming into a very large sum of money and a considerable amount of corporate influence in a little less than a year.”

“There it is,” I mutter.

But Cardan looks delighted. “Do you guys have a business card you can leave with me or something?”

“Are you planning to kidnap anybody?” I demand.

“No, but I could use the help,” Cardan admits. “He’s right. Once I come into that inheritance, there’s going to be a huge target on my back.”

“We’ll call you. In the meantime, you’ve got a clean bill of health.” The Roach pats his shoulder. “Good for you.”

“Thanks, man.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see two figures break away from the detectives and begin approaching us. I say, “You’d better clear out.”

The Roach doesn’t thank me, but he gives me a little nod before disappearing around the side of the ambulance, whistling. That’s what passes for honor among thieves, I suppose. The Ghost remains, having drawn the short straw, his generically handsome features apparently working to render him inconspicuous.

“How is she?” Madoc asks him. I make myself look up at his face and try not to think about how, if what the Roach said is true, he might have recently pulled the trigger on one of Cardan’s brothers. The other brother stands next to him, looking less sour than before.

The Ghost stands. “They’re both good to go,” he says. “It looks like she sprained her ankle a few days ago, but it’s healing well.”

“The wound on her leg?”

“Nothing serious.”

Madoc nods, and then turns to me. The Ghost melts back into the scenery as though he wasn’t even there to begin with. No mystery as to how he got that codename.

Balekin stands at Madoc’s side, both men casting shadows across our knees. Madoc’s arms are folded, and Balekin’s jaw is set. I see his eyes find my hand resting on top of Cardan’s, but for some reason I am not at all worried about censure. Not from him.

Balekin says, “We’ve been given leave to take you back to your homes to rest, provided you return tomorrow to give your statements to the police. No one here wishes to… prolong your ordeal.”

“Wait,” I say, my heartbeat picking up in my chest. “Wait. Nobody’s told us what’s going on. Where’s Dain? How do we know he won’t try again?”

“He’s dead,” Madoc declares. “When he realized he wasn’t going to get away with it, that he had no other recourse…”

I swallow. I had hoped he’d say something else, anything else. “Oh. I see.”

Cardan covers his discomfort with a snicker. “Well, good riddance.”

“We’re hoping you can help us fill in the rest of the gaps once you’re up to sharing what, exactly, happened over the past five days,” Balekin says.

“I don’t know how much help we’ll be,” Cardan replies, shrugging loosely. “If it was Dain, we never saw him. And the guys who took us all wore masks.”

I’m surprised at how easily he lies, but maybe I shouldn’t be. I have to reevaluate everything I thought about his childhood; it probably involved a lot of lying to Balekin. Madoc doesn’t seem to notice anything, and it’s hard to get bullshit by him. He just watches me with a quizzical expression.

“Well, maybe you’ll remember something useful after you’ve had your rest.” Balekin jerks his head toward the waiting car, already beginning to walk away, assuming Cardan will follow. “Come on.”

Cardan glances at me with uncertainty, then begins to stand. I take his hand again and pull him back down. “No.”

Balekin turns around. “What did you say?”

I stand now, keeping hold of Cardan’s hand. “I said ‘no.’ I’m sure you have business back in the city. Cardan can come stay with us.” I look at Madoc and try to reassure myself that he is the safer choice. “There’s plenty of room in the house.”

“There is,” Madoc agrees, his tone carefully neutral.

“So it wouldn’t be too much trouble.”

Balekin looks angry. He doesn’t want to lose his influence on Cardan. “That’s very generous, but I have just gotten my youngest brother back, and I’m not eager to let him out of my sight.”

“He’ll be under Madoc’s protection.”

“You have to admit, it does seem safer,” Cardan chimes in. He seems a little dumbstruck by the way the whole situation is unfolding. Maybe no one’s ever stood up to Balekin before. Certainly

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Balekin says, trying to loom over me. He is tall, but tall doesn’t faze me. “I’m his brother. I’ve been his guardian since he was a child. I will be taking him back.”

“Well, Cardan isn’t a child anymore. He’s an adult, and I’m his mate,” I say, sticking up my chin. “And he is coming with me.”

I yank hard on Cardan’s hand, bringing him to his feet, and start off toward the car Madoc came in. Out of the corner of my eye I see Cardan, smiling, give his brother a shrug. “Omegas,” he says. “What are you gonna do?”

What, indeed. I don’t even know what I am going to do. Everything that happened in the last one hundred and thirty-two hours seems to have pushed us so much further down the road to a strange and dangerous adulthood. I don’t know if either of us are ready for what lies ahead, much less ready to defy our dangerous parental figures or negotiate the relationship we’ll have once I’m in college.

But it doesn’t matter, not right now. Because I have just pulled off a bigger heist than the Ghost, the Roach, and the Bomb could ever dream of. Because Cardan’s hand is in mine. Because his smile is, as always, contagious, so I am smiling too. Because we survived our trial, so maybe we can survive anything. Because he would choose me, and I chose him. Because neither of us is alone. Because he is my mate.

The rest, we’ll figure out when it comes.

#jurdan #jurdan fanfic #judecardan #jude duarte #cardan greenbriar #the cruel prince #the folk of the air #tfota #the wicked king #the queen of nothing #mine: fic #fic: 132 hours

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peggyrose19 · 3 years

Text

Day 19: Soulmates

Jeez formatting this was a bitch. Advent for tonight is a little bit different, because the prompt was an accidental double. So, instead of being a sensible human being and just writing a different one-shot off it again, I decided I should get my O’Knutzy soulmate AU done instead, thinking it’d be fairly simple. Oh how wrong I was. Who knew writing an actual plot and developing a relationship was so hard? Me, but I started it anyway so really I did this to myself. So if it’s complete shit, I apologize in advance. Some day I will go back and edit and add to it. Characters by the always amazing @lumosinlove

Summary: Finn and Logan were soulmates, and had been since the moment they were born. Both had a journal filled with messages to each other, given to everyone once they turned 18. When Leo turned 18, he opened his journal to discover something rather peculiar. What did one do with two soulmates?

Sorry the summary is shit, I suck at them :) Journal entries are in italics and text messages are in bold because tumblr won’t let me underline. Hope you guys enjoy, leave a comment and I’ll love you forever <3

Leo stared down at the paper in front of him. His mind had gone blank when he’d opened the book. His soulmate journal, given to him today, on his 18th birthday. He had imagined this going hundreds of different ways. It had consumed his every waking thought for the past six months at least, what he would say, how his soulmate would respond, the possibility of words waiting for him already. What he hadn’t imagined was the words from two distinct hands written on the pages.

He thumbed through the book as word after word flashed by. Conversations flowed between these two people, going back nearly three years, according to the dates on each page. The handwritings were different. One was messy, scrawled, and Leo caught a few words of French here and there. The other was neater, script-like, and the ink was dark and consistent.

Unsure what to do, Leo began reading some of the journal. He had never heard of this happening before; he wondered if the other two knew.

What’re you doing up, it’s nearly 3 am? was the first thing Leo’s eyes fell upon.

Can’t sleep. What’re you doing up?

Reading. But that’s irrelevant. Go to bed. I’ll be here when you wake up.

Okay fine. Night, Fish.

Night.

Leo could feel the affection between the two, even just from those simple words. He kept reading, flipping back through conversations that felt too private for him to be reading. His eyes found the words “I love you” written in big stark letters, filling nearly half a page. He slammed the book shut.

What was happening? Why did these two already seem to have a life? Why were they in his soulmate journal? He pushed back the tears forming in his eyes and slowly opened it again. Words began appearing on the page.

Finn, you there?

A moment later, answering words appeared, Yeah, what’s up?

Shit day. Then, I miss you.

Leo wasn’t sure how to feel about all of this. He didn’t know who these people were, why they were in his journal, what to make of the clear connection they had. The best way, he supposed, to resolve this was to see who they were.

Hesitantly, Leo grabbed a pen and set it to a blank page.

Hello?

Umm… hi? one of them wrote back quickly, the messy one.

Who are you? the other, Finn, added.

I’m Leo, he wrote, unsure of what else to say. I just got my soulmate journal, he added.

There was no answer for a while. Leo had just about given up when words began appearing on the page.

This is our journal. We’ve had it for about four years now. I’m Logan, by the way, he added.

I’m Finn.

Uh, well it’s nice to meet you both.

Neither Finn nor Logan were sure what to make of the situation. Finn grabbed his phone, watching Leo’s words spread across the page, telling them about who he was and what he’d discovered when he’d opened his journal for the first time that morning.

Lo, is it even possible he’s also our soulmate? Is that even a thing? He sent the message to Logan, turning back to the journal.

Leo, where are you from? he asked curiously.

New Orleans, came the response. Born and raised. What about you both?

New York City, Finn responded right before his phone pinged.

He pulled up Logan’s response. I’m not sure, maybe? I’ve never heard of this happening before but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t.

Quebec, came Logan’s response in the journal a moment later. Leo answered, but Finn wasn’t paying attention.

He was focused on the message on his screen, mind running through all the soulmate stories and tales he’d heard over the years. He remembered his brother getting his, being ecstatic at the messages he’d received. His friends all getting theirs, writing excitedly to their soulmates from the first moment. Even his parents talked fondly about it, the two of them meeting after a year and already being in love. None of them had two soulmates.

But then, in the back of his mind, a memory surfaced. His grandmother, telling him a story, late one night when he couldn’t sleep, about her best friend from high school. She had had a girlfriend when they went off for college, her soulmate. When they connected some years later there had been a boy too. She had never questioned it. After all, this had been the 60s. People didn’t ask questions like that.

But maybe it was possible. Maybe this could explain the hole that still seemed to exist between him and Logan, no matter how much they loved each other.

As the months passed, Leo slowly made it through the journal. Finn and Logan had both given him permission to read it, although initially he had been surprised. He barely knew these people, why were they trusting him with their deepest secrets? But Finn said that’s what a soulmate journal was for and so Leo spent each night before bed reading a few pages, getting to know his apparent soulmates better and better with each word.

He learned that Finn was a year older than Logan, 23 now, and his birthday was in August. Logan’s was in December, four days before Christmas. He read page upon page about their siblings, Finn’s older brother and Logan’s three older sisters. He wondered briefly what it was like living with siblings.

They’d met before, in person, two years ago, Logan flying from Quebec, where he lived, to New York City for New Years. Leo’s heart ached when he read that. He wondered what the city had been like, what it had been like when they met.

He wished he could meet them.

He learned the small things about them, too. Logan had a terrible sweet-tooth. He was French-Canadian and could speak it fluently. (Canadian French was very different from New Orleans French). He couldn’t dance to save his life, despite his sisters trying. Finn knew how to figure skate, but had switched to hockey early on. He still kept up with it.The only food he could make without burning was hot chocolate the way his brother showed him. Finn liked to feel useful, to make people feel better. He liked to read. He liked to write letters to Logan while he slept. And Logan would scold him for staying up late, then absolutely melt at the words written on the page.

Leo wanted one of those letters.

By the time he reached the entry from his birthday, three months had passed. It was quickly becoming summer in New Orleans, despite it being only May. As he got to know his boys better, and they got to know him, Leo wished more and more that he could meet them, see them. He wished he’d known them four years ago when they first met. He wished they’d had that time together.

He wanted them to fall in love with him.

Hey Le! Logan wrote cheerfully late one afternoon. Leo sat outside in the shade of a nearby tree, flipping aimlessly through the journal. He felt conflicted. But the nickname sent flutters through his heart. What’re you up to?

Not much, he replied. Sitting in the garden. What’re you up to?

You have a garden?

Leo chuckled. Yeah. I can see the ocean from here actually.

You can see the ocean?? Jealous.

Yeah, it’s also 85 degrees.

Nope, I’m out.

That made him laugh again. That’s what I thought.

I just don’t know how you do it! It’s like a million fucking degrees there all the time. I would actually die.

And it’s always a million fucking degrees below freezing where you live.

….touché. Leo could sense his reluctance through the paper. He wished desperately to see Logan’s face in that moment, see the pout he undoubtedly was wearing right then. To kiss it away, maybe press him back against his bed…

No. He wouldn’t let himself think of that. Because if he started down that path there was no coming back. And he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

Finn we need to talk

The text came one day as Finn was getting ready for bed. He paused in brushing his teeth, typing out a response.

FaceTime in 5?

Sounds good

If he was being honest with himself, Finn had expected this a while ago. He had known it was coming, knew it needed to happen. From that first message, Logan laughed at something Leo had written. Finn knew in that moment he was gone. They both were. The only problem now was how to say it.

The ringing of his phone shook him from his thoughts.

“Hey, Lo,” he answered as the call connected.

“Hey.”

“What’s up?”

“We need to talk.”

“Yeah, I gathered that from your text.” Logan didn’t laugh, and that’s when Finn knew this was really bothering him.

“Logan, I know what this is about. It’s okay.” Logan’s eyes snapped to his face.

“What- how?”

“Babe, you’re not exactly subtle. And, well, neither am I. I know it’s about Leo. It’s okay.”

Logan sighed. “I just- I know he’s our soulmate, obviously. But it still feels like I’m betraying you? How can I love both of you? How does that even work?” Finn’s eyes widened at Logan’s words.

“You love us? Both of us?”

“Harzy, how could I not? You’re my soulmates. But it’s more than that. I love you for you, not just because of some match in the system. And I want us, all of us, to be together.”

Finn was quiet for a long time. Eventually, he said quietly, “That’s why we never made sense. Why there always seemed to be a, a hole. We need Leo to complete us.”

Logan smiled. “Exactly.”

Leo, you there? Finn wrote.

Yeah, came the reply a moment later.

We have something we want to tell you.

We?

Hi Nut, Logan added hurriedly. Finn smiled at him through the phone screen. He wished he was there in person. He wished both of them were.

Logan?

Yeah, it’s me. Fish and I talked. About this, us. We want-

“Don’t take my moment!” Finn scolded playfully. “Besides, no one can read your shitty writing, I would know.” Logan pouted, but let Finn continue.

Sorry about that. What we were trying to say is that we want you. If you’ll have us. I know all of this is new for you, it is for us too. But we need you. You’re the missing piece of our puzzle, and we don’t work if we don’t have you.

Leo read the words over and over. Silence buzzed in his ears. It didn’t seem real, that these two boys, who had been each other's for so long, now wanted him. His mind couldn’t make sense of it all, of the love he could feel even through the thin pages of his notebook.

Leo, you there?

I’m here, he managed. I just don’t know what to say.

Good or bad? Finn asked cautiously.

Good, he laughed. Of course I want you two, do you know how long I’ve wished for this to happen?

Oh yeah? Tell us.

“Logan!”

“Sorry.”

Okay, you don’t have to tell us. But please tell me you’ll come see us? I need to see your face.

Please? Finn added for good measure.

Leo could have jumped up and down in that moment. Of course I will come visit. Of course. Then, a moment later, heart in his throat, he added, I love you guys.

#o'knutzy #cubs #lumosinlove #coast to coast #soulmate au #how do i write relationships #plot? what's that #falling in love #remus john lupin #advent #december 19

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mizelophsun11 · 3 years

Text

Mizeloph's Tale Chapter 4

Pairing - In the beginning it will be General Kirigan x OC Sun Summoner then switch to Kaz Brekker x OC Sun Summoner

Summary - Anna has a lot to learn in a very short period, there is nothing like almost being killed to appreciate life. Only nature can understand the pull a Sun and Shadow Summoner have for one another.

Word - 1694

A sudden jerk of the coach woke Anna up, she looked around noticing that the sun had risen and that the coach had come to a stop. She looked at Ivan and Fedyor, seeing that they had worried looks across their faces. Ivan was talking to one of the soldiers about something but Anna was still a bit groggy from just waking up.

“What is going on?” Anna asked while looking around

Fedyor looked over at Anna smiled a little “well good morning sleeping sunshine, it seems like there is a roadblock, it could be a ploy for an ambush, so be careful, I am going to go check on it with Ivan, do not leave this coach unless it is with a Grisha or Oprichniki”

Fedyor stepped out of the coach, closed the door, then followed Ivan to help in any way that he could. As they were trying to see if anyone was out there, someone yelled ‘Fjerdan!’. It had been an ambush after all, Drüskelle swarmed the Oprichniki and Grisha catching them off guard. From the coach Anna could hear yelling and the sound of weapons clashing. Anna ducked in the coach as she barely missed being hit by a bullet that flew through the window she had just been looking out of. She tried to stay close to the ground but a gas grenade was thrown under the coach, a thick gas was let out making Anna cough. As she made her way out of the coach to try and get away from the thick gas she was grabbed by a Drüskelle.

“Grisha!” the man yelled at her with his thick Fjerdan accent, he dragged her away from the fight then held her down

“No! Please let me go! I am not Grisha! Please I am just a map maker! Let me go!” she tried fighting with the man on top of her

“What you are is a witch, now die!” the man said as he went to raise his axe to kill Anna

Darkness, but to Anna it felt different, very familiar and almost comforting. General Kirigan had arrived along with his following shadows. The Drüskelle on top of Anna turned around still holding the axe above his head realizing that this is where he would die instead of Anna.

“Darkling” was the man's last Fjerdan word as he watched General Kirigan create the Cut and then thrust it at the man splitting him in half

Anna gasped as she watched the man above her be sliced in two then fall off of her, General Kirigan walked up to Anna and held his hand out to her “are you hurt?”

“No..” she took his hand and got up “I’m not hurt.. Just a little bit shaken by what just happened” that same feeling of comfort she felt in his tent earlier washed over her, it was strange to feel this way with General Kirigan, only a few moments ago Anna thought she was going to die but now those worries had been pushed down

“The others will have fled by now, they should know that I am here. Everyone else will continue on but you will ride with me to the Little Palace” General Kirigan brought Anna to his horse

They got onto his horse and started their ride to the Little Palace, there was a long journey ahead of them. Anna continued to think about what had just happened, she was attacked and almost killed. She knew that with General Kirigan she was safe, but Anna wondered about the deeper feeling she felt in his tent and just now. Riding together was their first close interaction and she felt like there was an even stronger natural pull. Anna tried thinking reasonably, if she was the Sun Summoner then she was the natural opposite of him, the Shadow Summoner. Eventually it was decided they would take a small break, the horse had been going for a while and they had put a lot of distance between them and where the attack had happened.

As Anna stretched glad to be standing for a little bit, General Kirigan held out a handkerchief, she looked at him with a confused look “for your face” he gestured to the blood on her face from the Fjerdan that had almost killed

“Thank you” she took the handkerchief and whipped her face “Never in my entire life have I felt like I was going to die, until today. Even in Ketterdam I knew how to survive.. But today was something else”

General Kirigan watched her “I am glad I got there in time, I couldn’t imagine.. Not being able to save you”

“About you saving me, you cut that man in half with a shadow. I am thankful that you saved me.. But it was also a little bit scary to see” Anna was seeing and learning so many new things today and that was some of the terrifying aspects of her new life

“Would you rather I have used a sword?” General Kirigan asked looking at her curiously

“Oh.. uh I don’t know, it was just something I was not expecting” she said looking down feeling bad for what she had said

General Kirigan stepped closer to her and lifted her chin up with his hand for her to look at him “it is alright, I understand that this is new and scary, but know that I will always be ready to protect you” he let go of her chin and Anna continued to keep eye contact with him. She looked up at him, their height difference a bit more obvious, she had only stood this close to him once and that was when he cut her arm. She wondered if General Kirigan felt the same comfort and natural pull that she felt. Anna wasn’t planning on bringing it up, but it was something that she was thinking about, maybe a bit too much.

Anna knew that there was still more to being Grisha than what she knew, her conversation earlier with Fedyor was helpful in understanding “I do want to learn more though, after all this is starting to becoming my life”

“Well, we can start small, think of how there is matter to everything, in air and shadow, but it is too small to see, does that make sense?” he asked her wanting to make sure that she understood what he was explaining

“Yeah that makes sense” Anna appreciated him taking the time to make sure everything made sense to her

“For example, The Cut is something a Summoner can do, but it requires tremendous skill and I try to use it in a last resort situation”

“Last resort like that ambush.. ” Anna wondered how often this happened, an ambush on Grisha “how did they even know about me? It has barley been a day since everything happened”

“Well your little light show from the Fold was visible from miles away, they must have been on some other mission and abandoned that to come and find you” General Kirigan knew that there was a chance of this happening “this is why I wanted you to leave Kirbisk right away, and since you were attacked like I feared, it is better that you travel with me until we arrive to the Little Palace”

“They are really that scared of you?” Anna knew that General Kirigan could be scary, but for skilled enemies to not want to attempt anything while he was around really spoke volumes to her

“I think that they are more scared of you” He reasoned, this was not what Anna was expecting him to say, she was no threat. She had no training with her powers, the only reason she was able to do something in the Fold was by pure unknown instinct.

“Why? I have no control over whatever I am and you can cut people in half from many paces away. What damage could I do?” Anna wanted to understand since this would impact her life

“Miss Mizeloph, your power means a lot to the people of Ravka, you could be the first of your kind, we have always had a name for you. You have the potential to do so much, the people hope for what you can do, when you eventually enter the Fold and destroy it from within. With the proper training and some amplifiers..” General Kirigan went to keep talking but Anna stopped him

“Wait..” this was becoming very overwhelming for Anna. “I haven’t even been Grisha for a day and I feel like my destiny is already being set up for me without my control.. I mean, I am trying to take this in strides and accept who I am becoming, but there is so much more. I was just dragged away from my friends, I never asked for any of this... I mean I was always a freak, an outsider, but this is just just so much…” Anna played with a strand of her white hair that was kept out of the pony tail, it had always been a symbol of her being different, something she could never change

“Miss Mizeloph you are no freak, you are Grisha, no matter what, there will be other Grisha with you along with myself to help you every step of the way. This might seem like a lot, but you will have so many others to help you along the way to taking down the Fold” General Kirigan held her hand in a sense of comfort wanted to make sure that Anna knew she was not alone, they where two sides of the same coin, they would always have each other.

They got onto the horse and rode to the Little Palace, this would be the day when Anna Mizelophs life changed forever. She would not be the map maker she had continued to convince herself that she was. A Sun Summoner, maybe she still had one more step to prove that is who she was, but starting this day as she passed through the walls of the Little Palace she would become something new.

Author Note - I am so sorry that this chapter took so long to get out. I wanted to be happy with this chapter before it was put up, it took a few hours of editing and getting through the holiday to finally be happy with it. I also wanted to thank everyone who is reading my story. If anyone wants to talk about it please feel free to pm me!

Tag List - @rika90 @itsemy01 @hotleaf-juice @teatimeforusreaders @benbarnes-supremacy @graciefullygracie @aleksanderwh0r3

#shadow and bone fanfiction #shadow and bone #ben barnes #freddy carter #general kirigan #general kirigan x reader #kaz brekker #kaz brekker x reader #grishaverse #grisha fic #the grisha series

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swanprompts · 4 years

Text

300 DIALOGUE PROMPTS

This is a rebloggable version of my prompt list at my writing blog. This has 105 prompts from my old list and 195 new prompts.

IF YOU USE THESE PROMPTS IN YOUR OWN LISTS, CREDIT @swanimagines !!

LIST A - GENERAL/FUNNY

A1. “Can I take a picture of you?”

A2. “Where do we sleep now?”

A3. “Be quiet, they’ll hear us!”

A4. “I cooked for us! Or tried to cook…”

A5. “Can you explain why my phone is up there?”

A6. “Ugh, people are so weird.”

A7. “Wait, who?”

A8. “But I can’t draw!”

A9. “Your forehead has sauce on it.”

A10. “Stop snoring! You sound like a chain saw.”

A11. “C’mon, you need a reason to get out of here and I have one.”

A12. “No, nooope. I won’t do it. Nope.”

A13. “Do you mean I have to touch that?”

A14. “Wow, a great idea, but I’d rather die.”

A15. “Oh there you are! I thought you had melted through the floor.” “I had plans to do that but then I called them off.”

A16. “I’m trash, just not that kind of trash.”

A17. “Always nagging, aren’t you? Every time I hear your voice, it’s in a language called nag.”

A18. “It’s 6pm, the fridge is mine until 7pm, so… shoo!”

A19: “What’s this?” “I bought you binoculars because now you get to look at them better… or you could go talk to them.”

A20. “I’m gonna hit you.” “What?” “Ugh, that came out wrong.”

A21. “I’m okay. I’m perfectly fine. Yeah… okay, I’m not fine.”

A22. “If you wait for tomorrow, tomorrow is coming. If you don’t wait for tomorrow, tomorrow is still coming.”

A23. “I’m not yelling, I’m discussing with you with a loud voice!”

A24. “Tell me something. Do I look like a bunny?”

A25. “Maybe that secret is that your mom is really a time traveler.”

A26. “Too bad, I wanted to see some ghosts.”

A27. “Not that song, turn it off now!”

A28. “Is this the Heaven?” “More like Hell.”

A29. “Hey keep it down there, I’m trying to sleep!”

A30. “Please don’t use my toothbrush again.”

A31. “Hey, calm down, it’s not so bad…” “Calm down? There’s a riot going on in my bathroom!”

A32. “It’s alright to be a bit crazy. At least a minute of craziness in a day keeps the doctor away.”

A33. “I thought you had left.” “I’d leave without tasting this sandwich? It would be a sign of insanity.”

A34. “The Great King/Queen/Ruler of Food is here again.”

A35. “What can I do… they just love Mr. Bunny.”

A36. “Wait, do we have a permission to do this?”

A37. “As long as that is on my wall, I swear I’m not going to sleep.”

A38. “Pillows? Pfft. Who needs pillows?”

A39. “That’s what you get for being such a dummy.”

A40. “You really need a haircut.”

A41. “You should keep that to yourself.”

A42. “Oh, how could I not say yes to that?”

A43. “Hi and bye!”

A44. “Well, what did you expect?”

A45. “Kick that door down.”

A46. “I’m not drunk!”

A47. “That’s not a stupid idea, it’s an idiotic idea.”

A48. “You’re the type of person who laughs at their own jokes.”

A49. “Oh, I didn’t know you had guests.”

A50. “Oh, are you looking for [insert name]? They’re probably setting themselves on fire right now.”

A51. “Don’t be scared.”

A52. “Did you just smile?”

A53. “Would you wanna go for a walk?”

A54. “My lights are flickering, it’s the infamous Ghost of the Living Room.”

A55. “This cookie is my spirit animal.”

A56. “Don’t be boring, dance with us!”

A57. “You should keep that candy behind locked doors. I might eat the whole bag otherwise.”

A58. “What’s your password?”

A59. “My backyard is not a waterpark.”

A60. “I think you should talk to them.”

A61. “I wish we had more time to chat.”

A62. “You’re smiling.”

A63. “Do you even know how to laugh?”

A64. “Well, it’s busted, no can do.”

A65. “I know what you think.”

A66. “At least I smell good.”

A67. “It happened a long time ago.”

A68. “What exactly should I be looking at?”

A69. “Why your shirt was in my fridge?”

A70. “Argh, don’t you guys ever use Google?”

A71. “I think you’re overreacting.”

A72. “Do you like board games?”

A73. “But it’s so cold!”

A74. “You should really learn to read some books.”

A75. “Wait, I know where your pants are.”

A76. “There’s no one there, dumbass.”

A77. “A fly has been harassing me for weeks.”

A78. “Be honest, do I have to keep this shirt?” “No?” “Dammit!”

A79. “Not my kid, not my responsibility.” “It’s a dog!” “No, it’s your kid.”

A80. “Sorry, I’ll be late.” “Why is that?” “A cat has been sleeping on me for an hour.”

A81. “I’m still bored.”

A82. “I recognize liars when I see them.”

A83. “Well, books usually have text on them.”

A84. “This is the perfect day to piss [Name] off.”

A85. “Get me their phone. Then we’ll talk.”

A86. “Because you’re so young.”

A87. “Hello, I am your servant today, what can I get you, oh Almighty?”

A88. “Why are you hiding?”

A89. “Why are we hiding?”

A90. “Why you would wanna live in a dumpster?”

A91. “It’s snowing!”

A92. “They’re late. Again.”

A93. “My bathroom smells like someone put a fish into my toilet.”

A94. “Don’t tempt me.”

A95. “You know how much I like chocolate.”

A96. “Stand back, this might get ugly.”

A97. “I can’t believe the way you got them arrested.”

A98. “Wait - did you just agree with me?”

A99. “Nah, dying would have been boring.”

A100. “Can’t you have fun for once in your life?”

LIST B - LOVE/FRIENDSHIP/COMFORT

B1. “You’re being shy with me, aren’t you…” “No I’m not!” “Yes you are!”

B2. “You make me feel free.”

B3. “You’re cute when you try not to blush.”

B4. “I might be having feelings for you, I’ve had them for a while.” “Yeah right.” “I’m serious.”

B5. “It’s true. I’ve loved you ever since I got to know you - and even if you don’t feel the same, I’m willing to accept it.”

B6. “What if I told you that there’s a surprise for you outside?”

B7. “Everything is okay now, I’m here, I’m here.”

B8. “My world was black before you came into it.”

B9. “Did you do all this… for me?”

B10. “Did you really think I’d leave without a kiss?”

B11. “I didn’t know there’s a feeling like this.”

B12. “You’re the first person who has understood me.”

B13. “I’m not the person you want in your life.” “Yes you are.”

B14. “People change. And I’m not who I was before. I’m sorry for what I did.”

B15. “Do you… maybe, want to go to grab a coffee with me sometime?”

B16. “I really like you! Uh… I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that.”

B17. “I know this isn’t very romantic, but…” “It’s romantic enough for me.”

B18. “I’m not like everyone else, you deserve someone better.” “There isn’t anyone better for me than you.”

B19. “What are you doing?” “Showing you how much I love you.”

B20. “Will you make me happy forever?”

B21. “I didn’t know you’re ticklish… this is going to be fun.”

B22. “Your bed could be more comfortable than me.” “Nah, I’m good.”

B23. “You guys are so cheesy it’s disgusting.” “Why, thank you!”

B24. “Can I sleep with you? I need someone by my side.”

B25. “You’re so warm…” “You’re so cold.” “Mmh, that’s why I like your warmth.”

B26. “You’re special to me.”

B27. “Are those my… aaargh gimme those back!”

B28. “I’ve been gathering my courage to talk to you for so long and now… I did it.”

B29. “It’s obvious you like them.”

B30. “Crushing hard, huh?”

B31. “This is the place we first met. And now here we are, years later.”

B32. “Awww, is this you?” “Gimme that!” “No! You’re so cute, look at those pants!”

B33. “You cleaned my house for me while I slept?”

B34. “Wait, did you just call me cute?”

B35. “You’re my only friend, but you’re also the best person in the world.”

B36. “I’ve been in love with you all this time.”

B37. “I care about you, maybe more than I should.”

B38. “Because I love you, you idiotic mufflehead!”

B39. “Honestly, I didn’t believe in strong friendships before I met you.”

B40. “Maybe that’s the reason why we’re friends. You’re as dumb as me.”

B41. “Is that a blush I see?”

B42. “Do you want to go out with me?”

B43. “We’re friends, you can tell me anything.”

B44. “You look like you need a friend.”

B45. “Ah, ah, no tickling! Or no kisses.”

B46. “I made you dinner.”

B47. “I lit up candles and everything, you deserve to relax.”

B48. “You want it, I’ll get it. Don’t try to stop me.”

B49. “You’re the only one that makes me go cheesy.”

B50. “Here, take my umbrella.”

B51. “I think I’m in love… with you.”

B52. “You bought roses for me?”

B53. “Dance with me.”

B54. “Marry me.”

B55. “Babe, we’ll travel the world together.”

B56. “I’ve talked to you once and I already know I’m going to fall in love with you.”

B57. “I heard [name] has a crush on you.”

B58. “You look amazing.”

B59. “Best friends will stand together, even through the harshest of waves.”

B60. “I’ll continue doing this until you smile.”

B61. “Can I hug you?”

B62. “I have always loved you.”

B63. “Don’t worry, you look beautiful.”

B64. “Your flirting is so bad it’s adorable.”

B65. “Do you have to get up? I was just getting comfy.”

B66. “Stooooop, you’re making me blush!”

B67. “Uh-uh, I won’t let you leave without a hug.”

B68. “I’ll be watching over you.”

B69. “I bought you chocolate.”

B70. “I dreamed about kissing you.”

B71. “You’re my best friend, and always will be.”

B72. “Am I dreaming or did you just say you like me?”

B73. “Your smile is beautiful.”

B74. “Have I ever told you how cute you are?”

B75. “I’m with you. I’m home.”

B76. “I would have never believed that one day we’d be so close.”

B77. “We’re friends, right? Friends stick together.”

B78. “I’ll always be here, whenever you need me.”

B79. “You smell nice.”

B80. “I’ve loved you since day one.”

B81. “You built a pillow fort for us?”

B82. “You saved me.”

B83. “You always manage to make me laugh.”

B84. “Thank you for being there for me.”

B85. “Why do you care?” “Because I love you!”

B86. “Do you think of me as a friend?”

B87. “I think I have feelings for them.”

B88. “I’ve tried to forbid myself from falling in love, but now I can’t help it.”

B89. “I can’t believe we’re still friends. I thought we’d grow past the fart joke part.” “What, fart jokes are the best!”

B90. “Good morning, want some breakfast?”

B91. “I’ve missed you so much.”

B92. “Are you cold? Here, take my jacket.”

B93. “I’m gonna dare you to kiss [Name].”

B94. “Oh my god, you like [Name]!”

B95. “They’re in love with you.” “Oh shut it.” “I wish you noticed how they look at you.”

B96. “Breakfast in bed? You’re spoiling me.”

B97. “There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you.”

B98. “Nobody is perfect. That’s what makes you special.”

B99. “I want you to be happy. You’re worth it.”

B100. “I don’t know how, but you always make me feel happy.”

LIST C - ANGST/ANGRY

C1. “I don’t want to feel anything anymore.”

C2. “I was there… and I didn’t do anything. I’m never forgiving myself for that.”

C3. “It’s none of your business.” “It’s my business if you cry because of me.”

C4. “Let go.” “I can’t.”

C5. “Leave. I don’t want you here.”

C6. “I never loved you.”

C7. “You were never there for me.”

C8. “You did that choice. Not me. You’re in this alone.”

C9. “You left me!”

C10. “It’s time you got to know how it feels to be betrayed.”

C11. “You appreciate some people only after they’re gone.”

C12. “I was willing to stay here with you until the end, but it was you who told me to stay away.”

C13. “No, you don’t have the right to come back to me and pretend that everything is okay again!”

C14. “You disgust me.”

C15. “Fine. If this is how it’s gonna be, then fine. I’m leaving you.”

C16. “They’re not coming back.”

C17. “I failed you. I failed everyone.”

C18. “You’re not worth it.”

C19. “How dare you stand there and tell me you still love me?”

C20. “I was an idiot to ever trust you.”

C21. “I can’t move on, and I don’t want to.”

C22. “I’m disgusted with myself that I once thought of you as my friend.”

C23. “They were my everything, and now they’re gone.”

C24. “It was you who broke our promise.”

C25. “You’re my friend.” “I have better friends than you ever were.”

C26. “I honestly want to set you on fire right now.”

C27. “There’s no one else to blame anymore, you made sure of it. It’s all on you now.”

C28. “I feel like there’s nothing waiting for me anymore.”

C29. “Tell me I’m wrong. Just say it.”

C30. “I love you, but I wish I didn’t.”

C31. “I hope you grow up one day. But I’m not going to be there to see it.”

C32. “What if I’m in too many pieces now to fix myself again?”

C33. “And here I thought that you’d keep your promises for once.”

C34. “Goodbye. Don’t come back.”

C35. “If this is love, I don’t want it.”

C36. “No one never stays, no one ever cares about me.”

C37. “Please, make it stop...”

C38. “It just feels like I can never let go... even if I try.”

C39. “I love them too much. And that always makes me go tumbling down the hill.”

C40. “I can’t do this anymore.”

C41. “Fuck you! Get out of my house!”

C42. “You’re not welcome here.”

C43. “Don’t expect me to fix things you broke.”

C44. “You always lie to me.”

C45. “Could you try stopping thinking like a machine and listen with your heart?”

C46. “I’ve never felt like this about anyone, but with you? I hope life will be torn apart on you.”

C47. “I wish you nothing but pain.”

C48. “I can’t take this any longer.”

C49. “You were my best friend, and you let me down.”

C50. “Forgive you? How could I ever forgive you for what you did?”

C51. “Don’t you dare close your eyes!”

C52. “I can’t feel the pulse.”

C53. “I can’t believe how I ever was a friend of such a toxic person.”

C54. “Everything reminds me about them. I just want to forget them, wipe them out from my life.”

C55. “I’ll be happy once you’re gone.”

C56. “Don’t give me those crocodile tears.”

C57. “You’re wrong, I have never loved you.”

C58. “Go to hell!”

C59. “I want you gone. Now.”

C60. “Oh, now my opinion matters? I wish we had never met!”

C61. “I’ll always hate you.”

C62. “You broke the promise. Again.”

C63. “I’d punch you if you were worth it.”

C64. “Nothing has changed in you, even when I wanted to believe so.”

C65. “Let go of me!”

C66. “Don’t touch me, you filthy scum!”

C67. “You did a bad thing for a good reason.” “But is it worth it if they died because of me?”

C68. “We’d/We’ll never get our happy ending.”

C69. “You’re never changing, are you? Always a dickhead.”

C70. “You’d never understand.”

C71. “I’m dying.”

C72. “I loved you years ago. But that feeling is long gone.”

C73. “I’m happier without you.”

C74. “I don’t even know who you are anymore, how do you expect me to love you?”

C75. “You abandoned me when I needed you the most.”

C76. “Do you think you could just magically waltz back into my life after everything you did?”

C77. “I waited for you for years before I finally found someone who won’t abandon me like you did, and now you come back and think we could be together again?”

C78. “There won’t be “us” anymore.”

C79. “You’ve lied to me all this time.”

C80. “I’m a monster.”

C81. “You’re a monster.”

C82. “Don’t hurt me!”

C83. “I’m leaving you.”

C84. “Please don’t go.”

C85. “I’ll never forgive you.”

C86. “No no no no, stay awake! Please!”

C87. “I don’t want to lose you too.”

C88. “Walk away and don’t come back, or I’ll fucking kill you.”

C89. “We need to get to the hospital!”

C90. “I know you hate me.”

C91. “Oh, so that’s what you think of me?”

C92. “I’m going to sleep on couch tonight.”

C93. “It’s my fault they’re dead.”

C94. “Don’t give me that bullshit, I know what happened!”

C95. “Give me one reason why we should still be together.”

C96. “If you had ever loved me, you wouldn’t have put everything else above me.”

C97. “You said you’d support me with this, but here we are.”

C98. “Why are you even here anymore? Just leave!”

C99. “I’ll be forgotten.”

C100. “Death doesn’t let you say goodbye.”

#prompts #prompt list #angst prompts #fluff prompts #fluffy prompts #general prompts

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echo-three-one · 3 years

Text

1 - A new Start

A new beginning.

Belinda smiled at the thought of her fresh start as she rolled over her bed and pulled her sheets, getting up as soon as she realized that it smelled different, almost like a masculine perfume.

Her eyebrows furrowed as she got up and realized that she was on the sofa, stark naked and there's a bare man's ass lying on the carpet.

"Shit." she muttered as her head started to pound and memories of last night quickly assaulted her still fragile mind.

She could remember going to the bar as soon as she unpacked one box and met someone there. She did her best to recall a name, but nothing rang. It seemed like she managed to sleep with this person without the effort of knowing his name, and that only happens when she's drunk and lets her guard down.

The man in question grunted and rolled as Belinda quickly tossed his shirt to cover his crotch, saving her from the view that she was almost about to see.

"Hey there, Jane Doe." he greeted with a cocky smirk as he slowly reached for his other clothes.

"Yeah. You got to go, now. I have work in an hour." She quickly shuffled and helped him leave her apartment.

"Really? Just like that? We gave each other an unforgettable night and I can't even get your name? Or a cup of coffee?" he joked as he pulled his pants up and buttoned it, his face looking like he was waiting for her answer.

Belinda just shot her an annoyed look.

"My name won't matter anymore. What happened last night was the old me saying goodbye to old habits. And that person who slept with you is no longer me." She explained as she slowly pushed him to the door.

"Well, I'm Russell. And don't worry Jane Doe, this is a small town. It'll only take me a few hours to get your name. See you around!" He winked as he closed the door and left Belinda staring at it for a few seconds.

He was right. This was a relatively small town and if he's a local, they're bound to cross paths anytime soon. And she admittedly enjoyed his company last night, but just as she told herself, that was the last time that she's going to do that. A new life meant that she must be careful with anyone she sleeps with.

With a self nod of approval and agreement to herself, she proceeded to prepare herself for her first day on her new job.

Ever since she was young, teaching was always her passion and she went all out to pursue her dream of sharing knowledge to the next generation. And after quitting her previous teaching job back at her hometown, she was glad that she got accepted in this new university as an English professor.

"Good Morning Ms. Belinda Ivanov and welcome to the university. Thank you for responding to our job vacancy on such short notice. You're like, the school's heavensent." The Dean, Helen Park, greeted, offering her a seat as she started to orient her about the university. Her British accent was distracting Belinda in a good way, as she dictated each word in a very convincing and understandable manner.

"Yes. I should also thank you for accepting my uh- application despite the previous records." Belinda shyly replied as Helen smiled at her reassuringly.

"Well, Miss Ivanov, those kinds of events rarely happen here as we cater to a more mature demographic and this school seeks talent more than attitude, so you are more than fit to be here. I'm pretty sure you have learned your lesson from your suspension and turned a new leaf, right?" She asked as she read her application.

"Yeah. A fresh start…" Belinda muttered as Helen nodded, her head turned quickly as soon as she noticed someone walk behind Belinda.

"Alex!" She called, causing the floor to squeak as the person's shoe made a complete halt.

"Yes, Miss Park?" Belinda turned to the person whom the dean called. A charming man, around his late 20s peeked through the ajar door and smiled at them.

"I'd like you to meet our new English Professor, Belinda Ivanov." Belinda shyly greeted the fine man as he was dressed in a brown sweater vest which was embracing his body nicely. Belinda shook off her thoughts as she followed Alex to the rest of the school grounds, trailing behind him as he ventured across the university halls.

Of course the first two men he'd meet would be extremely attractive, she thought to herself as she never bothered to pay attention to what Alex was muttering about and just admired his physical appearance. Old habits die hard, she added to her thoughts.

"The previous English teacher is on maternity leave. She used to sit here and you'll be taking this empty seat next to Russ." He explained as her head quickly turned to Alex as soon as he said that name.

"What's wrong? You know Russell?" Alex raised an inquisitive look at Belinda.

"Oh.. uh.. nothing. It's just a name that brings back memories." She lied as she sat down and set her stuff on her new desk.

She still had an hour left before her first class, so she started studying about her lesson plan. She did go over her introductory topic a thousand times over, but she was never too confident on delivering it. And while she was murmuring her lessons, she noticed something move to her left. She veered her eyes towards it and noticed that cheek scar and blonde hair. Who would've guessed that Russell from last night and Russell from the History Department would be one and the same.

Belinda quickly bowed her face down and covered it with her lesson plan trying to hide her from his prying eyes. Teachers slowly came inside the faculty room and all Belinda wished was for the bell to ring and let them all leave.

While she's thinking of her move to exit the area without getting Russell's attention, she felt a hand on her shoulders and let out a surprised shriek. Everyone else looked at her as her fellow female professor tapped her shoulder and wanted to give her a pen that fell on the ground.

The awkward silence was almost deafening as she met with everyone in the most embarrassing way ever. The staring stopped as soon as Alex introduced her to the whole teaching staff and most of the teachers greeted her a warm welcome.

While she shook hands and smiled with everyone in the room, she couldn't help but notice Russell looking at her almost mischievously. Remembering his statement about this place being a small town and he'll know it eventually.

Belinda couldn't remember most of their names and as soon as the last person shook hands with her, Russell quickly turned his chair to face hers.

"Hello, Ms. Belinda. Nice to meet you." He extended a hand and Belinda gulped. She quickly shook it as she felt his grip tighten around her hand, just like last night.

"You too, Mr. Adler." she said, peeking at his nameplate on his desk. Their eyes met for a second before Belinda quickly averted her gaze on the intercom system as it chimed in the first bell.

"That's one of my classes." She said, quickly getting up and leaving the faculty room. Behind her, Alex Mason quickly followed and walked her to her class.

"You look confident for someone who's new to this school. Do you know where you're going?" he asked as soon as he caught up with her.

"No." She hummed confidently, making the math professor chuckle.

"I could just ask a student, or look up a directory." She added, hinting that she didn't need any help.

"Well, that works too. But if you're also new in town, here's my number. I could… like, give you a tour or something." he said, reaching out a business card from his pocket. Belinda took the card and looked at it just before she took a left turn.

"Your class is this way." Alex pointed in the opposite direction and Belinda shyly thanked him before entering her first subject.

Belinda felt fine with the new setup, the new students and the new environment. The students were engaging about the idea of a new teacher and so far, her only problem was Russell Adler, the main person she's trying to get away from. And while she's thinking of ways to not talk to her seatmate, a sign just showed up in front of her on her way back to the teacher's lounge.

"Hey. Have you had lunch yet?" The fresh minty breath of the Math Professor, Alex Mason, wafted across her nose, a scent that felt good as his presence radiated too close in front of her. Belinda wasn't oblivious, Alex was extremely attractive, with his freshly shaved face, his neatly combed hair and his masculine scent, but she promised herself to focus on her career in this new town. Then another sign in the form of Russell Adler passed behind Alex and she was sure as hell that their eyes met before heading straight to the teacher's lounge.

"Sure… I don't know any good places to eat here. I appreciate the friendly gesture." Belinda shyly replied as Alex's grin spread from ear to ear.

"Great! Follow me. It's not too far from here and the food is great!" he cheered as they both walked to the exit, Belinda checking behind her to see if Russell saw the whole scenario or not.

The events were so quick she wasn't really sure if she's doing the right thing, but as long as she doesn't have to talk to the blonde man, she'll be fine. She could avoid him forever if she needed to.

"So, How'd you get to know Russell Adler?" Alex started off as he started to chew off his steak.

Belinda quickly twisted her fork around her salad, wondering if she should tell him the truth and get this over with. But seeing as Alex was sending him signals of admiration, she quickly dismissed that idea and proceeded to lie. Change was hard for Belinda, but it was what she saw best.

"He helped me out on my move, by accident of course." She replied as she took a bite of a slice of tomato.

"Ohh. Then why aren't you two that close? Did something happen?" He asked. He was getting curious and Belinda was starting to create a chain of lies which was not good.

"Well, it's just a chance meeting, there's nothing more to discuss after the move. So yeah… back to normal." She replied as she saw Alex's shoulders relax. Was he jealous? Belinda thought to herself.

"So, how was the first day?" He changed the topic as quick as that and Belinda started to feel eased. She could talk to him all day as long as it was not about her buried past.

"It was fine. I'm honestly glad that I felt comfortable in my first four classes. Usually the students take time to adjust to a new teacher." She explained as Alex chuckled.

"Mine's the same as always, blank expressions on everyone's faces. I mean it's numbers! Their faces are telling me like, The numbers Mr. Mason? What do they mean?" he laughed. Admittedly, being a math teacher feels hard, everyone hates you and wishes you don't exist.

"I tried teaching math once. They really hated every fiber of my being. And we also have supplemental classes every Saturday taking away my life." Belinda groaned as Alex nodded in agreement.

"I'll be in one of those after the first exams. That's why I'm making the most of these weeks." He smiled as he fished out something from his pocket.

"If you want, I have 2 tickets for a live band in the next town. It's on a Saturday evening and I could drive us there if you want." He reached out for one of the two tickets, sending Belinda on another tough decision. Now it's really clear that this wasn't just a friendly date.

Belinda carefully looked at the ticket and gulped as the pressure set it. The longer she leaves him hanging, the more awkward this situation gets. And honestly, she was totally free on a Saturday evening. Plus Alex looked like a good guy. So without further thinking, she took his tickets and nodded, making the man grin in excitement and probably doing an internal happy dance in his mind.

"Great! I'll pick you up at 7. I know it's still five days from now but I just want you to know that I'm happy you joined me." He says gratefulls as the two of them finished their meal and went back to the school to finish the rest of the day.

#Bell #Alex Mason #Russell Adler #codbocw au #horRAYfic

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thinkingimmensely · 3 years

Text

Okay. IV

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3

A/N: I have a sudden burst in inspiration and finally finished this chapter! Here’s to the hope this streak continues *crosses fingers*. I know it’s been forever and IDK if you guys still read this but I’m still trying my best to update as soon as I can, haha. I have also been reading fanfics again, thus a boost in creative juice.

Stay safe in these trying times everyone!

MATERLIST

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the Potterverse!

___________________

“Are you mental? What in the world were you doing back there?” You yelled as your friend laid in the sofa nonchalantly, throwing a ball up in the air and catching it as it fell back down, as if without a care in the world. You flicked your wand at the ball and it catapulted itself to the other side of the room before Sirius could even catch it again. “Listen to me!”

“What’s the point?” He groaned and turned his back to you.

You flicked your wand towards him and made him roll over and fall off the couch. “That was extremely rash. Careless and impatient of you.” You scolded as your friend rubbed his back in pain. “They changed the portrait,” you informed him as you ran a hand through your hair, “that annoying Sir Cadogan, still ranting on and on about knighthood I reckon.”

“Well, you didn’t have any other brilliant idea, did you? Besides, what were you doing there in the first place?” He finally asked. When he entered the house hours ago after his failed attempt on getting inside the Gryffindor common room, he was welcomed by darkness and a letter from Dumbledore in the counter you left. It was nearly 4AM and you just arrived a few minutes ago.

“You read the letter, didn’t you? Dumbledore invited me, plus, I wanted to see Harry.” You mumbled the last part.

Sirius smirked and approached you as you took a seat. “Did they all have their knickers in a twist?” He asked, his voice laced with mischief, as if he was actually proud with the reckless stunt he pulled.

You couldn’t help but let out a snort, typical Black and his love to get into different heart-stopping situations. That was where he and Remus differed- Remus was your calm, and Sirius was like a whirlwind bent on destroying everything he passed through. Speaking of Remus, you still couldn’t get your meeting off of your mind, and your heart still picked up its pace every time you thought about it even though it started off the wrong foot.

You kind of felt guilty with lying, even though what you said wasn’t technically a lie. Kind of. “Next time you try to go in, maybe try learning the password first, yeah? There’s a brilliant idea for you.” You murmured, not caring if your friend heard you or not.

Talk around town was filled with nothing but Sirius Black the next few days. The theories on how he got in into Hogwarts became wilder and wilder that you heard a young Hufflepuff student babble on to anyone who would listen that Sirius could turn into a flowering shrub. Sirius had laughed for ten minutes straight at that. You became busier as well- McGonagall strode in one day asking to speak to you privately.

“Dumbledore has requested your presence in his office any time you are available.”

You wiped your hands on your apron, giving your old professor a questioning look. “Um, you can tell him that I’ll be there in a few minutes then, just let me tell Madam Rosmerta-” You were about to head back inside before McGonagall cut you off.

“Actually,” She started and you stopped on your tracks and turned back to her, “I also have a request if it wouldn’t be too much for you.”

“Yes?”

She let out a sigh, “Well, I believe you are aware that Harry Potter is a Seeker in the Quidditch team?” You nodded dumbly, having no idea where this conversation was going. “Well, their first match is on Saturday and the students want to train during the evening. I have already asked Madam Hooch to oversee their sessions, but it would put me more at ease if you were there as well. For extra protection, especially since there is no sign of Black yet.”

You blinked, processing everything she just said. She was basically asking you to keep an eye on your godson- You broke out into a smile, bobbing your head immediately, “Of course!” You stopped and regained your composure when McGonagall raised a brow at you, “I mean, yes, it’s no problem at all Professor; I’ll head to the Quidditch field every time I finish here then.”

McGonagall let out one of her rare smiles and nodded at you, she then told you she would be waiting for you so you could go to the castle together. Luckily for you, Madam Rosmerta had no qualms about you leaving early today so you left without much hassle and you and McGonagall headed to Hogwarts, making small talk here and there.

When you came here with Sirius, you didn’t expect to be going in and out of the school so much; especially since you’ve been laying low for the past ten years, leaving the Ministry and all that. “I believe you know your way from here.” McGonagall told you as you entered the castle, you nodded absentmindedly so she left you in the hall.

The students stole glances at you as they passed by, some surely recognizing you from the Halloween feast. You stuffed your hands inside the pockets of your coat and made your way up the numerous staircases until you reached the familiar corridor that led to the Headmaster’s office.

You stood outside entrance covered by the large and ugly stone gargoyle. You were at a lost since McGonagall never mentioned the password to you. So how were you going to go inside now? Just before you turned on your heels to find someone who could get you in, the pathway opened as Remus came out looking rather under the weather. He stopped on his tracks when he saw you; he cleared his throat and fixed his tie. “Y/N” He tiredly greeted.

“Remus.” You answered with a nod. The both of you stood there awkwardly, not knowing what to talk about. You glanced behind him, at the stairway to the office, “Um, is Dumbledore available?”

Remus turned and glanced at stairs as well, then looked at you again, “Uh- yes, yes he is, we just finished our discussion and he doesn’t have an audience now so...” He trailed off.

“Okay, I guess I should head in then.” You mumbled and walked past him before turning back, “Take care of yourself okay?” You told him. He gave you a curt nod before walking away, so you went on to your business.

Sirius paced back and forth in the little house you shared. “Honestly, please sit down. You’re making me dizzy with all the pacing. It’s not good for the floorboards.” You snapped. He sat down next to you in the sofa and looked at you seriously. Despite the rather upbeat music that played from the radio in the corner, the room had a rather glum atmosphere.

“Dumbledore wants you to-”

“To patrol Hogsmeade and Hogwarts a couple of times in a week. Report to him if I find anything suspicious, or I see any clues where you might be.” You finished.

Sirius furrowed his brows, “But why? You’re not an Auror anymore, you don’t have to do shit for them.” He snarled. Because what ever did Dumbledore did for any of them when the Potters died? He gave Harry to those god-awful Muggles and hadn’t even tried to give a fair trial to Sirius.

You looked up to your Headmaster, you always had, but sometimes... sometimes his actions frustrated the hell out of you. Sirius took your hands in his when he noticed your visibly upset face. “I shouldn’t have brought you here with me. I think they’re trying to get you back into their fold.”

“Sirius, you must be forgetting something,” You gave him a bitter smile, “They’re not the enemy here.” Sirius sighed and dropped his head to your joined hands. You freed one and ran it through his black locks. “Besides, this just means I get to see Harry more often, and maybe help you if the situation requires it.” You smiled at the thought.

“You’ll get to see Moony-” he mentioned, “You’re bloody miserable every time you see him again, I know you, when you came back after the feast and today, after that meeting with Dumbledore, you’ve been lost in thought. You still love him, don’t you?” He sat straight again and looked at you straight in the eye. “I don’t want to see you die a little inside every single time.”

Your smile faltered; you hadn’t realized that Sirius noticed. You thought you were being discreet about it. “I...” You inhaled sharply, “I never stopped.” You admitted for the first time, letting out a defeated breath. Your eyes watered as you tried to keep your emotions in check whenever Remus was the topic of your conversation. Sirius placed a warm hand on your cheek and wiped a stray tear away.

“Moony’s a total git for letting you go.” He commented, you let out a dry laugh at that and he grinned. “C’mere” He pulled you up from the couch and held your hands, a playful glint in his eyes as he swayed to a different, but still upbeat song from the radio. He looked rather idiotic as he moved left to right in what could be called an impromptu dance. You laughed as he pulled you close and twirled you around at random moments, it was as if your worries and your hurt was being washed away and the once gloomy house was filled with laughter for the first time since you’ve been there. Remus, Peter, Dumbledore and the Dementors were faraway thoughts at that very moment because all you could focus on was your best friend who was swaying with you clumsily to a Muggle song the both of you didn’t even know the title of.

As the song neared its end, your head leaned on his neck as he held you close, slowly turning with your hands still clasped together, relishing in the company and comfort the two of you gave to each other, but reality was slowly seeping back in by then and you stopped when the song ended. You pulled away from him; the two of you shared a look as static played in the background before you retreated to your bedroom, shutting the door softly behind you.

___________________

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#sirius black x reader #remus lupin x reader #marauders x reader #sirius black imagine #remus lupin imagine #x reader #harry potter fanfiction #harry potter imagine #Sirius Black #Remus Lupin #Harry Potter #the prisioner of azkaban #hogwarts #peter pettigrew #the marauders

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nacrelyses · 3 years

Text

okay brain if i make the post will you shut up

so love, me normally can be interpreted in a romantic sense, and it would make sense for it to be interpreted in a romantic sense of someone who desperately wishes they weren’t so different from the norm, so “bad”, so “abnormal”; that they’re so tired of being different and being treated different that they just want to be loved like they’re normal, loved like a nobody

but that’s not what i’m making this post about god damnit keep on track-

[under a read more because it’s very heavy. tw external and internal queerphobia, existential despair, also this is so long oh god 2k words]

i could make a joke about how “cross my i’s, dot my t’s” is a joke about going on testosterone but uh i’m just going to talk about first stanza

“I was delivered holding scissors, I live deliberately, I’m a quitter And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game”

this’ll come up later in this long ass post but the child is delivered holding the scissors to cut their own umbilical cord. when a child is born and they are a queer individual, it is up to them to cut the ties that hurt them the most - even the most close and familial ones. in the way that an umbilical cord is cut because the baby no longer needs the mother’s nutrients, the child is born with the inevitable fate of having to cut off those whose approval and love they can no longer thrive off of, or can no longer receive. or, it could be a metaphor for the scissors of fate, where the child is born with their fate in their own hands and they, being an outlier in queerphobic society, must make do with what they’ve got.

“i live deliberately, i’m a quitter” the child lives deliberately in their quest for self discovery and their need to understand and accept their queerness but at the same time they are a quitter in all the things that society considers normal but they cannot utilize to function: a white collar job when the child is an artist, a nuclear family when the child just doesn’t want one, keeping in contact with your parents when the parents do not accept their child.

“And a winner anyway, cause I never agreed to participate in this game” this comes up later in the post as well but yeah the child never agreed to participate in this game of life. they didn’t ask to be a player, but by default of their unwillingness and their lack of consent, they are made a winner because they are the only player at the table of their own life. they are made an unwilling winner for something they never had the consciousness to consent to experience. they can be called “strong” later in life for overcoming queerphobia, lauded as a “winner” over their oppression, but it rings hollow because to be a real winner, you have to have agreed to be playing in the first place.

and then the chorus, this is pretty obvious. like the

“And I'd rather be normal. Yes, so normal I suggest that we keep this informal Cause a normal human being wouldn't need To pretend to be normal to be normal Well I guess that's the least that I owe ya To be normal in a way I couldn’t be C’mon, c’mon, and love me normally”

because you know, that could kinda be interpreted as a queer child talking to their queerphobic parents. it doesn’t fucking matter if their parents are proud of them for their grades or their achievements now because no matter what, they’re proud of the persona of the child they’ve constructed for themselves. they’re proud of a fraud. the child knows they’ll never truly be loved the way they are, that their parents will only love who they want the child to be and they’ll only love the image they have of their child. think of it like internalized queerphobia, homophobia, transphobia, the idea that similar to i/me/myself, it would be easier if i were a girl [or cisgender, for a general application] and it would be easier if i were normal. the child would rather be normal in the way their parents see normal and they feel that they owe their parents, for all their parents have done to provide for them and pay for their bills and everything, the bare minimum of pretending to be normal so that they don’t break their parents’ hearts. and it’s really for the sake of everyone in the family because if they’re outed, the parents will argue, the parents will be sad, their siblings will be upset by the arguing and the mourning, they feel as though they owe their family this bare minimum of pretending - both for their own safety, and for the prosperity of their family. moving on.

“If I could live in third person, well I don’t think life would be much worse than it is In the current tense, presently, this sentence ending in question marks or dot dot dot…”

the child feels like if they were an outsider witnessing their own life in a third person perspective, it still wouldn’t change a lot. or it wouldn’t be much worse, it might actually be better, in a sense, because they’re fully disassociated from the identity that alienates them so from their parents and their parents’ approval. but they’re living in first person, so this sentence (their life, basically, drawing upon how a suicide prevention thing a while back was using a semicolon as a symbol of your life being an author’s sentence) ends in two ways. a question mark, showing how their existence as someone outside the “norm” of a queerphobic society is rife with constant questioning and identity gaslighting because of how “abnormal” it is to deviate from the norm that you are left without many resources to figure yourself out. you die at the end of the day perhaps not even knowing who you truly are because society has not yet normalized terms that could better articulate your identity, and because you can never really know yourself. or, your sentence ends in a dot dot dot. forever unfinished. you leave with so many loose ends - maybe you move out and cut off contact with your family forever, and live perhaps happier but never knowing if they change their mind (oh god now i’m thinking about change your mind from steven universe and how steven’s entire story is a metaphor for the trans experience). maybe you decide to continue pretending and you cut off the option of really getting to know yourself a little bit better, and you die never knowing who you could have been. so living in full disassociation would at the very least not be much worse than how the first person tense currently is.

“I drank myself to death to be the afterlife of the party When the afterparty came, I was rolling in my grave”

no i am not an alcoholic, thank you very much, i am a responsible person. but the substance abuse reference can be applied to any self destructive habit that arises out of a need to cope - in this case, the child’s need to cope with their fractured identity. maybe they turn towards being hyperfeminine or hypermasculine in an attempt to feel connected with their assigned gender, which branches out into so many different destructive habits (aforementioned drinking, drugs, eating disorders, etc). they do so to become the “afterlife” of the party - if you think about a “party” as a moment in time, it can be the moment you are in in your life. the child turns towards these destructive habits to try to achieve the unachievable. to bring the afterlife into life, to bring their parents’ false image of the child into fruition when that is never impossible and that in itself becomes destructive. but they do this in the current moment of their life, in the current party, so when the afterparty comes, they’re already dead. when the afterparty comes, they roll in their grave because it’s a hollow call for what they could have been: a more genuine person to themselves, a happier individual free of parents’ queerphobia.

“I want you to love the way they so seamlessly, like a dream for me, so beautifully, oh so dutifully jam that square peg in the round hole in their hearts”

the bridge monologue is very very romantic-coded and i don’t think i can pull much meaning from the first bit but here, have the “jam the square peg in the round hold in their hearts”. the child has learned to “seamlessly”, like a second instinct, to jam the square peg of their parents’ false image into the round hole in their hearts, to somehow cram something into a space that was never meant to fit and should not be fitted at all. this quote speaks as though it’s the child talking to their parents, telling them, “i want you to love me, but you are only loving me as i am now, when i am literally destroying myself to be who you’re capable of loving”

“I want you to tell 'em that you love the way that they don't stick out like sore middle fingers That they crawl their way up the side of the bell curve, stick their flag in the peak, and slide their way back down I want you to tell them that you love the way that they're not maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent, but rather that you love them exactly the way that everybody else is”

yep. so the bell curve, the statistical graph, the idea that their child could sit perfectly at the average as the cishet kid their parents expected them to be. the way that they’re not “maladaptive, not malcontent, not malignant or maleficent”, which can all be adjectives weaponized in queerphobic rhetoric against the queer community. and the final line, that their parents love the child “exactly the way that everybody else is”. their parents hold their child to a supposed “norm” that does not really exist because of how suppressed queerness is in society, that the norm is most likely not the norm at all and who’s to say what’s a norm? their parents love them when they are “normal” and it feels like that’s the only way they’ll ever be able to love you. they’ll not be able to learn how to love a different you.

“I was nothing before so I couldn’t have asked to be born I'll be nothing again, so what am I between now and then? Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

deep breath. okay. okay. first of all, will wood’s inflections from the last line of the first bridge all throughout the second bridge are gorgeous and hit so hard.

but yeah. here we go here we go ho boy

the idea that birth in itself is actually an immoral thing, since children don’t ask to be born. they don’t ask to be brought into this world, to experience this world, to develop mental illnesses and to face queerphobia or discrimination or danger in any sense because of who they are. they don’t ask to be born into a family that consistently alienates them and forces them to keep quiet about something that’s so important to them. and the child, in learning that their parents are queerphobic and will never accept them the way they are, realizes now even more that they never asked to be born. they didn’t ask for this closeted life. they didn’t ask for this kind of pain, this kind of false love, this kind of otherness. they never asked for any of this.

“i’ll be nothing again...” the idea that life is finite, that they’ll become that “nothing” they were before they were born if they come out to their parents because in that sense, it’s the parents asking themselves, “why did we have a child that turned out this way? we didn’t ask for this kind of child. we never asked for this kind of person. we never asked to raise them as they are now.” look if you can’t fucking accept that your child will be anything other than a cishet individual made to play out your nuclear family life so you can project your ideas of parenting and hopefully help parent your grandchildren in all the ways you fucked up your own kids i want you to-to- the window is right there. leave. fucking leave.

“Is there nothing to fear? Cause sh*t's getting weird So to God who made this man, you better have one hell of a plan”

is there really nothing to fear, from your parents? they’re supposed to be your closest guidance but is there truly nothing to fear from them if they hate the idea of who you really are? the child is questioning their identity (”shit’s getting weird”) and everything they’ve ever perceived their parents as is thrown up in the air.

and we can’t have all this internalized queerphobia without some religious trauma, can we? the child asks the all knowing, all seeing God, “what was your plan for me?” did this God intend for this child to have to go through this pain? this suffering which is often carried out in the name of aforementioned deity? this God better have one hell of a plan, really, because this child sure as hell needs one, and this God better have a good enough excuse to be able to redeem themselves in this child’s eyes.

all the choruses are just the child constantly asking their parents: “am i normal enough?” “do i need to pretend more?” “i know i owe you this much at least, can you tell me you love me? the normal me?” “can you tell me you love me at all?”

#this was over 2k words but here *throws this and dives out the window*#will wood #the normal album #love me normally #also god bless tumblr never putting word limits on their posts #will wood analysis #love me normally analysis

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khunvegas · 4 years

Text

Buddie Fanfic Rec Part 2

Sharing more amazing fics from some amazing writers. if you see someone that you know, please, tag them so they know they are loved too

A Calendar, $100 and a Bad Idea by @evandiaz-buckley

“Let me get this straight,” Eddie said slowly, “you bet Hen $100 you’d make this year’s fire fighter calendar but you failed to read the entry form which states the theme is fire fighter couples?”

Eddie agrees to be Buck's fake boyfriend despite knowing he is hopelessly in love with his best friend and it's a terrible idea.

a touch too close by @theleftboobgrabber

Eddie was always in his space, and Buck was always in his. Piled up on couches; pressed close at the diner table, forearms touching, glued from thigh to ankle; hugging hello and goodbyes; shoving at each other after a shower; always a hand on each other back, shoulder, waist; always touching.

And it had been fine. Great. Until it turned too much.

A Truth About Eddie by @tabbytabbytabby

After two and a half years of being friends with Eddie, Buck discovers a startling truth about him.

Blush by @halloucinogens1 @infinityonmilehigh

Evan Buckley, though? He was Eddie’s kryptonite. His weakness. One look at that innocent face and those puppy eyes and the words would just tumble out of Eddie’s mouth like he had no control of it, like he’d been temporarily possessed by a very flirty demon who liked tall, blonde, pretty guys named Evan.

Lately, Eddie can't seem to get his mouth to stop betraying him.

Closer than I've ever been by suyari

“I love you, Buck.”

Buck smiles softly. “I love you too, Eddie.”

Frustration rallies and Eddie shifts, pushing himself up until they’re level with one another again. “No,” he says firmly. “You don’t understand. I said I love you, Buck.”

Buck’s smile widens, his eyes going soft and fond. “Eddie…” he says, warmth filling his voice. “I know.”

devils roll the dice, angels roll their eyes by buddiebuddie (positivelystisaac)

"This candidate. Evan Buckley. He, uh, needs someone to reign him in.” “What do you mean?” Eddie asked. “Oh, you’ll see.” And see, Eddie did.

Nearly two years before Buck is elected to the presidency, Eddie is assigned to lead his Secret Service detail. Like, love, hate, and mutual annoyance ensue, though not necessarily in that order.

Fineline by @buttercupstrand

Eddie knows he has feelings for Buck, and he'd be crazy to miss the signs that Buck felt that way about him too. He doesn't miss the flirting, the quick glances. He knows they always make bullshit excuses to be together. always standing a little too close for just friends, always holding on to each other longer than just friends should.

But he knows there's a fine line between feeling something and then acting on it and that's a line Eddie thinks he'd never be able to cross.

I might have to tell you by @ingu

“Maddie, I made Chris a promise and I can’t finish this list. There’s no way I’m going to get away with all of this.”

“Really though?” Maddie said, and Buck could almost see her playfully doubtful expression. “You don’t think you might be over-exaggerating just a little?”

“Maddie, the list says to kiss Eddie.”

(the one where Christopher gives Buck a list of how to cheer Eddie up while he's gone, and Buck accepts without reading the terms and conditions first)

It Will Last Longer by @matan4il

Eddie wasn’t supposed to see those pictures, he’s completely aware of that. He’s suitably embarrassed of having stumbled across them, but look, it’s not his fault. Lockdown does weird things, accidents happen and, by chance, he came across his best friend’s thirst trap pictures.

Shameless porn that I just had to write the other day when Oliver posted those life ruining pictures on Twitter.

Liminal places by @theleftboobgrabber

After the train and Abby, Eddie cannot let Buck go.

“You’re impossible,” Eddie growls. He is. “And we’re not done talking about that stun you pulled on the train. What am I supposed to do if you freaking die on me?”

This is the heart of the problem. Eddie… Eddie would be heartbroken if Buck was to date someone, but he could take it. But losing Buck completely? No. just… no.

Buck swallows around the bit of omelet he was chewing on without enthusiasm. Again, he throws Eddie completely off. “The English teacher, obviously.” He says it like it’s a done thing really, already pissed off by it.

And that- that enrages Eddie to no end. “Fuck you.”

Pulse Points and Imperfect Words @mansikkaomenabanaani

Eddie decides to do something about his feelings for Buck.

say the word and i'm yours by quietuniverse

Buck falls victim to Eddie and Chimney's latest prank, which for whatever reason happens to be swapping out his phone background for a photo of Eddie that makes his mouth go dry.

And it's fine, really. Not weird to take a second to appreciate a nice photo of your handsome best friend. Nothing to see here, carry on.

It's fine until everyone starts noticing Buck's reluctance to change the photo.

take a breath, hold it in by @ta1k-less

“Are you an idiot?”

That’s the first thing Buck hears as he’s hauled back over the side of the pier, soaking wet and shivering so hard he might bite his tongue off. Eddie is glaring daggers at him, hissing curses in Spanish so quick that Buck, who’s currently trying to suppress the sound of a tsunami siren going off in his head, has no hope of translating.

“Y-yes?”

Talk About It by @lardominyardo

You want to send me your dickpic?

Just to see if it looks okay.

Buck starts sending Eddie his dick pics before he sends them to other people.

Eddie doesn't know why he decided this was a good idea.

The Jealous Kind by @buttercupstrand

“Alright, it your turn” Buck smiles at TK before sparing a glance at Eddie and Carlos “Okay, they’re looking should I come over there and put my hands around your waist or something, lean in really close and stuff”

“yeah, pretty much”

aka the one where TK and Buck fake flirt to see if Eddie does anything.

the weekly bet (but the forever kind) by @theleftboobgrabber

When the squad bets on how long it will take for Buck and Abby to get back together when she comes back to LA, Eddie is forced to reconsider keeping his feelings for Buck a secret.

“Thanks,” Eddie mumbles, hiding his face deep in his pillow, even if Buck can’t see him in the dark.

“What for?”

Leave it to Buck to be confused about something so obvious.

“Being you, idiot.”

“And again with the name calling,” he answers, content and sleepy.

Nights like this, Eddie feels like asking for a miracle.

But to the team, it wasn’t a matter of

Abby would take him back, but

when. A matter of days.

Time Makes You Bolder (Children Get Older) by SevenSoulmates

There’s a new resident moving into the suite across from Buck’s.

“What’s his name?” Buck asks.

“Eddie Diaz,” Nurse Corra tells him. “Hey, you know Eddie is also a retired firefighter."

Eddie Diaz, new recruit, a voice echoes in his mind.

“Huh.” Buck says. "Never heard of him."

We Fell In Love Dancing Kizomba by @imyourbuddie

After tragedy strikes close to home, firefighter Eddie Diaz moves him and his son, Christopher, to LA where they can start fresh. Single fatherhood, new job, and a new town stretch Eddie thin, and his biological Dominant needs are barely met. But the fear of repeating the same mistakes keeps him strung tight and unable to let loose.

Evan "Buck" Buckley loves cooking and teaching children in his cooking class. He's a Submissive, this is what he's supposed to do, what his biology is made to do, and he's good at it. But Buck's always had a dream that's so farfetched for a sub that he never dares to even voice it.

When Christopher asks to take a cooking class for children, the two men's worlds collide. Eddie needs to learn to let go, and Buck needs to learn that there's more to life than just tradition and expectations. And maybe, just maybe, they can find happiness along the way.

weak in the knees @realchemistry

Buck simply asked the happy couple a question.

He really should've kept his mouth shut.

When it comes to an end (I will want you to plea) @winters-blue-children

After the lawsuit, Buck and Eddie are casually sleeping together. Eddie tells himself it doesn't mean anything more than that. An unexpected incident at work brings up something Buck thought he'd long buried behind him and makes Eddie re-evaluate his feelings for his best friend.

When morning breaks by adamngoodbatch (sibbed)

Because, for all the love that Buck has for his job, 24-hour shifts still suck. And a sandwich of four 24-hours shifts on a row sucks even more.

It just sucks.

Buck thinks they suck even if they get a whole week free afterward. Even if he gets to go home and rest right after it. It just sucks. He knows how he gets after a 24-hour shift.

Buddie Fanfic Rec Part 1

And I believe in putting yourself out there, so these are mine

#buddie #buddie fanfic #buddie fanfiction #9 1 1 fox fanfic #evan buckley #eddie diaz #9 1 1 fox #this fandom keeps on giving high quality

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much-obliged-timothy · 3 years

Text

Dad Tim & Uncle Rhys Part 7

I had an absolutely soul-crushing, exhausting day at work and needed to write something soft. This didn’t come out the way I planned at all, but that about sums up my experience as a writer. I plan to make a master post for these shorts soon! And you can find part one here!

Rhys had reluctantly accepted that he’d somehow gotten himself dragged into a weird relationship with the Lawrence family.

It was why he was currently making his way to Tim’s house. Tim had invited him over for dinner and drinks. The two did have a little business to discuss, but the whole evening was largely casual.

Rhys had considered refusing, but one look at Phoenix’s excited little face and he knew his fate was sealed. The kid had taken a noticeable liking to him, even as Lorelei tried to steal away his affection for herself. Rhys wished she’d win it already.

Still, he wasn’t as moody as he expected when he knocked on the front door. He’d been in the house only twice before, once when Tim was sick and once to drop off some paperwork for Tim to sign.

Tim answered the door, wiping his hands on a towel as he stepped aside to less Rhys in. “Hey, Rhys. It’s almost ready. Mind keeping an eye on my kid while I switch over the laundry? He keeps getting close to the stove.”

“I knew you invited me here just to babysit,” Rhys said, shaking his head.

“Just go make sure my kid doesn’t cook himself to a crisp for a few minutes,” Tim said, waving him away. “Wine’s on the counter if you want to help yourself.”

Rhys made his way to the kitchen. Phoenix sat on the floor, tattered bear tucked safely into his lap and toy gun in hand. He was firing it off at a paper target hung up on the wall on the other side of the kitchen.

“Boss guy,” he said, looking up at Rhys. Phoenix pointed at the shirt he was wearing, a little Atlas T-shirt Rhys had gifted him. “State a’ the art. I dressed myself.”

His mismatched socks and the plaid shirt he wore unbuttoned over the Atlas one, which also didn’t match, definitely proved that. “So I see. I like your shirt. Where are the glasses?”

Phoenix pointed to one cupboard. “There.” He pointed to another. “And those are the hard day glasses.”

Rhys opened the second cabinet and pulled out a wine glass. “I take it Tim calls it that?”

“Uh-huh. When dad gets a hard day glass, it means I get an extra scoop of ice cream to shut my mouth about it when mom calls,” Phoenix said.

Rhys set the glass down and uncorked the wine. He poured himself a generous helping, then sighed and poured a glass for Tim too to be polite.

He turned back and nearly had a heart attack. “Phoenix!”

He lurched forward, snagging Phoenix’s shirt as he reached for the heated oven. He yanked the boy back, wrapping an arm around his chest.

“What the hell? That’s hot! That’s very hot! It’s-” He peered at the temperature, “425 degrees hot!”

Phoenix squirmed against him, effortlessly slipping out of Rhys’ hold. “It’s warm. I just wanna warm my hands.”

Tim poked his head in. “Phoenix Lawrence, are you trying to touch the oven again?”

Phoenix held up his hands. “They’re cold. I just wanna warm ‘em, dad.”

“You’re your mother’s son, you absolute headache,” Tim groaned, coming into the room. “Your hands wouldn’t be so cold if you hadn’t left the toy gun outside all damn day. It was freezing out today. That thing is never going to fully unthaw. Give it to me.”

Phoenix handed it over and Tim turned the sink on, letting the water get hot before running it over the toy. Phoenix tried to pull himself up onto the counter to watch, but failed.

Rhys sighed as Phoenix turned to him expectantly. Some part of him was admittedly touched, as Phoenix despised being touched by almost everyone but Tim. It was a sign of trust for him, something he didn’t give away easily after the trauma he’d endured growing up.

Rhys lifted the kid into his arms, letting Phoenix watch. When the gun was returned to him, he smiled wide and squirmed until Rhys set him down. He scooped up his bear and resumed his practice shots, Tim easily maneuvering around him.

“Hey, uh, I’ve got to ask about the bear,” Rhys said, nodding to it.

“Oh. Right, a few weeks before he was born, I thought…” Tim shrugged helplessly. “I dunno, I just thought he should have some toy or something to comfort him. So I fought my way into one of the gift shops and got him that bear. Everything had Hyperion on it, nothing I could do about that. But he took right to it. Rarely goes anywhere without it, and doesn’t want a replacement. He had a blanket, too, but one of the scavengers destroyed it in a fight when they found my hideout.”

“He tore it,” Phoenix said, looking upset. “And he stabbed dad and dad bled all over it.”

Tim knelt next to Phoenix and ruffled his hair, smiling sadly. “Yea, sorry about that, pal. But we’ll find you another one, someday. If you weren’t so picky…”

“It was my blanket!” Phoenix said.

“I know, I know. Sorry I bleed when I’ve been stabbed in the leg,” Tim said. “I’ll try to keep my blood in my body and off your possessions from now on. Now, help set the table while I get the food. And if you get near that stove again, I’m going to...do...something...uh, something that’s...a stern dad thing to do?”

“That’ll show him,” Rhys said.

“Oh, shut up.” Tim stood up and began to get the food together as Phoenix tried to set the table.

“Tried” was the key word. He was too short to reach most of the tableware, and had to drag a chair around to each cupboard. Rhys finally took pity and helped him, passing down whatever he needed.

When they were done, they gathered at the table, passing plates around and piling them with food. Tim wasn’t the best cook in the world, but he’d taken to it well enough.

“Hey,” Tim said, kicking Phoenix under the table and nodding to Rhys. “Tell boss guy what you did today.”

“I almost read a whole book by myself,” Phoenix said, eyes wide with pride.

“He’ll be putting in his application as soon as he can read the questions,” Tim said, but he gave Phoenix a proud smile.

“Uh...where is he? School-wise, I mean,” Rhys said.

“Ahead in some areas, behind in others. We taught him how to read certain signs in the casino, and Ember taught him the alphabet. He’s really good at math, and verbally he’s pretty advanced for his age. It’s just reading and writing he struggles with,” Tim said. “We work at it every night. We do at least two hours of homeschooling a night.”

“You do?” Rhys was surprised to hear that; Tim had his assignments done so fast that he had to be working on them at home.

Tim nodded. “Yea. I bring him practice sheets to do while I work during the day, and we go over them at night and then do some lessons. I’m college educated, remember? I’m no teacher, but I went online to learn how to teach my kid myself. And Ember calls to do lessons with him.”

Rhys had to respect that. Tim could be so flippant sometimes that it was easy to forget how seriously he took raising his son.

“Hey, um, Tim?” Rhys said. “You’re doing a great job raising him. You’re a good employee and a good dad.”

Tim seemed surprised. “I...thank you, Rhys. Thank you.”

“He’s the best dad!” Phoenix said. “‘Cept he takes forever in the shower.”

“Brat,” Tim said affectionately.

They ate, Tim and Rhys talking their business. Phoenix was quiet as usual, not interrupting them and instead entertaining himself in a way that wouldn’t distract them.

When they’d finished the meal, Tim brought out ice cream, Phoenix’s face lighting up. Tim handed him a bowl, but he reluctantly shook his head, pointing at Rhys.

“Boss guy first,” he said.

“Me first?” Rhys said.

“Dad said guests are s’posed to get food first,” Phoenix said. He hesitated, then blurted, “But save some for me. Please.”

“I’m not going to eat the whole thing!” Rhys said indignantly. “You’d have to roll me out of here.”

Phoenix watched anxiously as Rhys scooped himself ice cream. He took a generous portion, Phoenix leaning forward a little as if he was going to complain. A look from Tim had him pouting but staying quiet.

Rhys let him sit in his misery for a moment longer before passing the bowl to him. “A thanks for setting the table.”

Phoenix smiled widely, taking the bowl. “Wow! You don’t suck, boss guy!”

“Uh, just say thanks,” Tim said with a sigh. “‘You don’t suck’ isn’t the compliment you think it is.”

“Oh,” Phoenix said. “But he doesn’t suck. Look at all the ice cream he gave me, dad.”

“Yea, we’ll just not tell your mom you ate that much in one night,” Tim said, passing another bowl to Rhys. “Schooling I’m on top of, diet I’m working on.”

They ate their ice cream, Phoenix babbling on happily about the school lesson Tim had given him today. He was trying to tell Rhys about the story he’d read almost by himself.

When they’d finished eating, they all cleaned the kitchen together and shifted out to the living room. Phoenix sat in Tim’s lap on the couch, clutching a juice box in one hand and his bear in the other.

“Be right back,” Tim said, nudging Phoenix off himself. “I just have to use the bathroom.”

He disappeared down the hallway. Phoenix sipped at his juice box before looking at Rhys.

“Boss guy, if I learn how to read good, can I help at work?” he said.

“Read well,” Rhys said. “Not ‘read good’. Right, not the point here. Why do you want to help at work?”

“So dad can sleep,” he said. “He gets up real early sometimes to get work done.” He fidgeted with his juice box. “‘Cause of me. ‘Cause he’s busy helping me. I wasn’t s’posed to listen, but I did and I heard mom tell dad he’s gonna work himself to death. I don’t want my dad to die. I wanna help him.”

“That’s just a figure of speech. He won’t actually work himself to death,” Rhys assured.

But...Phoenix was right. Not only was Tim readjusting to life outside of the casino after fighting for survival daily for seven years, but he was also readjusting to having a busy, demanding job. And on top of that, he was a single father, raising his oops kid who was suffering much of the same trauma as him.

Rhys considered it. Tim rarely missed work, enough so that when he did, Rhys knew it was serious. He came early and stayed late. He left work and schooled Phoenix at home. He really had no free time for himself. His life had become work and parenting. He had no one to watch his son for a day so he could take a break.

Shit. Rhys thought back, realizing how quick he was to dismiss Tim’s obvious signs of exhaustion. The constant coffees, the bags under his eyes, the energy drinks, the way he needed to get up and pace a bit if he sat too long, his occasional quick temper.

“Phoenix, you’re just a kid. It’s not your job to worry about your dad,” Rhys said. “He’ll be okay.”

“But-” Phoenix started.

“Let me worry about him,” Rhys said. “Do you trust me to make sure he’s okay?”

Phoenix hesitated, clearly torn. His dad was the most important person in his life. He wouldn’t trust Tim’s safety to just anyone.

But Rhys must’ve really won the kid over, because eventually, he nodded. “Yea, okay. But I’m gonna learn how to read so I can help! I promise!”

When Tim returned to the room, Rhys glanced at Phoenix. “Hey, Phoenix, there were some chips in one of the cupboards. Can you get them, please? You can have some. I’m making that call even if your dad says no.”

“Yea, fine, I already let him eat like shit. What’s one more snack?” Tim said, waving Phoenix away.

“Gotta let me, or I’ll tell mom you swore again,” Phoenix said, heading into the kitchen.

“Tim,” Rhys said, leaning forward. “Do you want a day off?”

“Huh? Nah, don’t need one. I’ll fall behind,” Tim said. “And Phoenix likes going to work with me.”

“No, I mean…” Rhys shook his head a little. “I mean from work and from watching Phoenix. Just a day. Or even an evening.”

“What, with my abundance of babysitters?” Tim said, raising an eyebrow.

“I’ll watch him.” Oh, god, he was regretting it already. But Tim deserved it, so Rhys plowed on ahead. “I’ll take him for a day so you can have some rest. He can come to my office for the day. You can sleep in, or go out or...whatever.”

“You’d do that?” Tim looked amazed. “You’d really do that for me?”

“Yes,” Rhys said. “You’re kind of a pain in the ass, but you’re my employee and you work harder than anyone else I know. And I guess we’re...kind of...friends?”

Tim sat back. “I...thanks, Rhys.” He looked down at his wine. “Maybe...fuck, maybe if you wouldn’t mind just, you know, just taking him for an hour or two, just…” He sighed. “I’m a shit dad. Just so I can sleep in one morning. That’s all I need to recharge.”

“You just want to sleep in an extra hour or two?” Rhys said. “You don’t want to go out?”

“I’ve got nowhere to go,” Tim said. “My life changed the moment Ember told me she was pregnant. Phoenix is my responsibility, whether he was an accident or not. He’s gotten so much better since we came here, but he still has a long way to go. That’s my job to be by his side through it all, even if it’s exhausting. Honestly, Rhys, I’m not ready for time alone right now. I’m still working through my own shit from the casino. Having him with me keeps me grounded and reminds me why I have to work at getting better. But I could really, really use a little extra sleep one day.”

Rhys laughed. “Sleep it is. You name the day, and I’ll come pick him up and take him into the office.”

Tim smiled, small but sincere. “Thanks, Rhys. You’re a good friend.”

Rhys was spared answering that as Phoenix came back in, pulling himself up next to Rhys and holding out the bag of chips. Rhys opened it and let Phoenix have a handful.

“Hey, why not read that book to me?” Rhys said.

“Really? You’ll let me?” Phoenix said.

“Well, obviously. You’ve got to get better at reading, right?” Rhys said, winking.

Phoenix beamed. “Dad! Where’s my book? Gotta read for boss guy.”

So they all sat together on the couch, Phoenix in between them. He read painfully slow and struggled often, but he managed through most of the book with little help from Tim and Rhys. They let him pick out another book to try, and Rhys found himself spending the night helping a little boy learn how to read, Phoenix determined even when he screwed up or got stuck.

And two days later, Rhys picked him up from the house, Tim still fast asleep upstairs. He brought Phoenix to the office, telling the boy to close his eyes and hold his hands out.

When Phoenix opened his eyes, he found himself looking at a soft blanket with the Atlas logo, and “Phoenix Lawrence” stitched into the corner of it.

The smile on his face and the fierce hug he gave Rhys made it all worth it. He was suckered into this family, and as he hugged Phoenix back, he didn’t even mind it anymore.

#borderlands #timothy lawrence #borderlands rhys #dad tim & uncle rhys #borderlands au #My writing

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pinnochiro · 3 years

Text

pinn reviews - final fantasy xv

a long ramble about final fantasy fifteen that sort of looks like a review, as written by someone who finished the game fifteen minutes ago and needs to get these words out of his head. spoilers inbound.

i'm a pretty big fan of video games. i don't know what my first was, but it was probably either banjo and kazooie or mario kart 64, at my cousin's house when i was very small. i think that video games as a medium are so interesting, since the fact that video games are inherently interactive changes the way that they tell any story. it's a shame that despite loving video games so much, i'm absolutely terrible at them.

i'm absolute dogshit at video games. whenever i boot up something new, i always play on easy mode because. i'm that bad. unfortunately, this means that a lot of video games are simply. impossible for me to beat. that's fine, as at the moment i live with my good friend lizz, who is certifiably Good at Video Games, and so we've been playing video games together for a little bit now. typically this means that she will actually play the majority of the game while i sit with her and watch, but occasionally i'll have a go, but she'll end up with the controller as soon as a boss fight or puzzle or a mechanic i just can't seem to grasp shows up. we recently played through the entirety of the kingdom hearts series together, and this was an absolute blast of a time. i'm glad to say that i adore kingdom hearts now, and it's become one of my hyperfixations, which you might be able to tell from my icon. but we'd finished the kingdom hearts series, and we were left to move onto something else. we'd also played final fantasy 7 remake, so in my wisdom, i suggested that we play another final fantasy game.

we looked through the ff games that were already purchased on our consoles thanks to lizz's uncle, and eventually, we decided that we should play. all of them. however to start, we were going to play final fantasy xv, 15, and work our way backwards through the mainline, single-player games.

i'd heard that xv wasn't very good, but honestly, i was still quite curious. one person who i'd been following on twitter for years was pretty obsessed with the main party members, to the point where i knew their names and what-not even though i didn't have much of an idea what the game itself was about. i remember watching a video by supereyepatchwolf a few years ago about how the game sucked, but i couldn't remember much of the details, and i knew, based on my obsession with kingdom hearts, that xv had started as a different game called final fantasy versus xiiv. i don't know all the details about versus thirteen, but i do know that it was originally helmed by the creator of my beloved kingdom hearts, mr tetsuya nomura, and that after many years, the vast majority of the game was thrown out, nomura wasn't in charge any more, and the whole thing was rewritten and reworked, which sounds like a fairly rough development cycle. but so what, i don't care about gameplay. i want to play the video game with those cute guys that i see fanart of on twitter, and lizz seemed happy enough to play through it with me.

and so we started final fantasy xv. i've been told that since the game was practically dead on arrival, they threw in a bunch of new content and reworked a lot of the early game before i got my hands on it. so my gameplay started with a scene of the four guys fighting some demon dude on fire and they're all old and grotty. whatever, that cutscene ends and we're put into a combat tutorial. that's over and we're on the road in what looks to be central america, pushing a car.

our four leading lads are noctis, the prince of the lucis empire, his best friend prompto, his bodyguard, gladio, and his chef and other things, ignis. i do quite like the main four members of the party in xv. prompto is quite easily my favourite, voiced by robbie daymond of goro akechi fame and with a bunch of fun little animations and quips that make him very likeable. he gets extremely excited at the idea of riding chocobos and has what i considered the best scene of the game, where he and noctis meet on a motel rooftop and discuss prompto's imposter syndrome, since he's only part of noctis' official retinue as his best friend. noctis is a fairly typical main protagonist, he's in love with a woman he hasn't seen in eight years and needs to go marry her or something, i don't care. gladio is a tough macho man with a mullet who wears leather jackets and wields a greatsword, and is apparently only 22, which is at least 10 years younger than i assumed. ignis is a strategist and chef, who takes on the most authoritative role and constantly tells noctis to not drive his car at night. i was not a fan of ignis at the start, but he grew on me, especially with how hard the game hit me with his personal arc. the four boys are off, driving to noctis' wedding in a different country across the desert when their car breaks down. we then run into the first issue of the game.

cindy is a mechanic. she also has her ass and tits out constantly, like your sleazy uncle's shirt with a naked woman was instead semi-alive as a video game person. she fixes your car and acts fairly sexual and it's just like. why do we have to do this. aren't we over overtly sexualised women in video games who have no reason for the way they dress other than the character designer was horny? whatever, i like women as much as the next guy, but cindy's design just. makes me feel so uncomfortable.

anyways you get to do a little driving around with the boys, until you stay the night before catching the boat to your fiance. overnight, you find out that noctis' kingdom has been basically destroyed by an invading empire called niflheim, and practically everyone noctis knows, including his father, are dead. you learn that noctis and his bride to be are also assumed dead, with noctis hearing his own death announcement on the radio. the game has a bunch of added cutscenes that are actually footage from the three-hour-long prequel movie that came out after the game, are extremely hard to follow and honestly i had no idea what i was looking at. anyways, noctis' family is dead, so it's time to do some hunting sidequests.

that brings us to the combat, i suppose. rather than the turn-based or even active turn-based combat that the series is known for, xv opts for more modern action rpg-styled combat. i was, naturally, terrible at this, but i managed to get around it with the fact that. it is almost impossible to die in this video game, provided you have enough items. the game allows you so much time to heal yourself that there's practically no way to have your entire party wipe unless you're doing absolutely terrible, and even then, your party members will probably try and heal you themselves before that happens. lizz tells me that the combat is boring, you just push the same button over and over and then you win. i do appreciate that, for someone like me who is terrible at reading enemy movements, there is a giant button that pops up on screen that tells you when to push the block button, but even then i was prone to fucking it up. whether that's the bad game design or my terrible gaming abilities is up to you to decide. anyways, the game is fairly easy but has annoying combat, your teammates limit breaks will only land about 50% of the time (or never, if you are gladio) and i was still bad at it, so i didn't have all that much fun.

instead of an active levelling system, the game will only tally your character's level ups when you either make camp or visit a hotel. camping is, in my opinion, the only saving grace of this game. each time you make camp, you get to see the characters doing fun little camping activities together and just hanging out, ignis will cook up a new meal in a dramatic fashion and everyone will compliment him and eat it off their coleman's branded plates, it's just very fun. you also get to see what pictures prompto has taken, which is one of my favourite gameplay features. prompto's passion is photography, and while i support him in this wholeheartedly, his picture taking skills are, quite frankly, awful. the game will randomly take shots while you're on the move, which leaves you with a delightful selection of awkward poses, characters hidden behind bushes, pictures taken while someone is half-dead in combat, and snaps where the natural lighting absolutely makes it impossible to tell what's going on. it's hilarious and going through prompto's collection of photos each night is honestly the best part of the game. we managed to wind up with a few shots that, even despite being scripted events, turned out absolutely terrible, and i will cherish those forever.

anyways, since noctis' father and fiance are dead, that leaves him the king of lucis. the only important person to make it out of the capital alive tells you to drive to the middle of nowhere, where he randomly springs on you. hey. go into a bunch of these dungeons and absorb a bunch of swords, this is your destiny as king and how you will defeat the empire. noctis goes, uh, alright i guess, and you're set loose again to wander around for a bit collecting the 'royal arms'. this plot point wasn't explained well but hey, whatever, we're collecting the glowy swords and that's fine.

you're introduced at some point to ardyn, the main antagonist. he's old, kind of groady and wears a fedora. he's a dick to you and talks about his automobeeel. apparently my friend miri thinks he's hot, she is wrong.

i can't remember what happens specifically but you're told that your fiance is still alive and in fantasy venice, and she's talking to the gods on your behalf to borrow their powers. there's a mission where you follow some purple trees that are electric, and you do that i guess. i enjoyed riding the chocobos around, but couldn't care much for the plot at this point. ardyn leads you to a volcano, where you fight a giant lava god. he tries to step on you and i, a denizen of the internet and with an active fear of foot fetishists, was extremely uncomfortable. noctis becomes friends with foot man and a lightning god who lived in those trees, and ardyn steals your car.

very upset by this, noctis and his gang risk everything to sneak into a military base and steal it back. because this is a video game, this works out fine.

there's a little mining city which is all about Girl Power, because all the Women run the Mining Industry like Girl Bosses, and you hang around there for a bit. because all the women are so Empowered, they wear bikinis all the time with overalls over the top. gladio decides he needs to fuck off for a bit, i have no idea what he does since i haven't played the dlc, and then he comes back with another scar. you hang out with his sixteen year old sister, who has a crush on the engaged and 20-year old noctis, and then you drive her to a lighthouse. when she's in your party, she can't really fight, but she gets a pink chocobo and i thought that was very cute. we turned out own chocobo white and lizz named him 'jones' after a mount she has in ffxiv.

eventually, you have a long boat ride over to fantasy venice. this is the part where the game stops being 'fun with a few issues in combat and a rushed and poorly told story.' the open world, which was a main feature with a bunch of little areas to find where noctis can fish, little hunting sidequests and random photo spots where prompto takes touristy photos, is now gone, and it will not return for the entire rest of the game. you can 'go back in time', but the open world was the most enjoyable part of the game, and it kind of really sucks that the main story doesn't let you have any more freedom like that.

after arriving in fantasy venice, you have a talk with fantasy hillary clinton and beg her to let your girlfriend summon a god into the middle of her city. hillary agrees, and you don't get to meet up with your fiance, because even if the game is constantly telling you how much noctis loves her, there is. barely any interactions between the two in the entire game. from what i can tell, they met when noctis was a child and they haven't seen each other in ten years but are still fantasy dog pen-pals. noctis marrying her was supposed to make an alliance or something like that, but her brother has betrayed her to the army. noctis' girlfriend is also an oracle, which means she can heal people, i guess? everyone talks about how important she is and she's constantly telling people that she needs to use her powers to help noctis but she's practically a non-entity.

as can be expected of most female love interests in a game primarily focused on men, noctis' fiance is killed while summoning a god for noctis to befriend. noct gets very mad about this, and turns super saiyan and kills the god back, but his girlfriend is dead and that's super sad you guys. there's a beautiful prerendered cutscene where she says goodbye to noctis but since we barely know her, and we've only been told over and over that they're in love without anything to actually well, show this, it didn't have much of an impact. fantasy venice is destroyed, and ignis is blinded while trying to help calm the giant raging god.

iggy's blindness and how the game makes you account for this and grow to care for him was one of the highlights, in my opinion, as well as crushingly depressing. while i'm not disabled and have no right to say if this was 'good disabled representation' or anything like that, i believe that the game handles it decently enough. the group falls apart as noctis is upset about his girlfriend, gladio is extremely mad that noctis won't care for ignis, and prompto just wants everyone to get along. there's a mission where gladio constantly yells at you passive aggressive things to noctis about how he's a cunt for running, which is obnoxious, but the character arc itself is fairly strong. when you make camp, ignis can't cook anymore, so everyone eats cup noodles in a depressing ass cutscene. ignis remains in your party for the rest of the game despite his disability, and he doesn't magically regain his sight like other fantasy media would do, which at the very least i think is good. i'm not sure what the opinion of actual disabled people is of the character, considering how often disabled characters are either turned into misery porn to make the abled audience be glad that isn't them and if ignis' arc falls into this trap, but i hope that it wasn't handled too poorly, as that would just be another terrible mark in this game's list of bad moves.

the characters eventually make it to the evil empire's capital, which is abandoned and filled with daemons. the characters learn that ardyn is super evil and taught the king of the empire how to turn humans into daemons, which has now happened to the entire city. the 'magitek suits', presumed to be enchanted armour that fights as the empire's infantry, actually house the souls of the human-turned daemons. honestly i like this as a plot point but the game handles it pretty terribly. there could have been more lead up to this, the explanation is pretty lacking, and prompto's Big Plot Twist is. terribly handled. turns out that prompto was born in the empire and was going to be one of those empty soldier daemons, but he was rescued by people belonging to noctis' empire. not that the game tells you that. instead, prompto goes 'turns out i'm one of ... them' and Does Not Elaborate. The game doesn't tell you shit, not about prompto's past, not about how he feels about this, not about how anyone else feels about this either because the other party members just go 'oh that sucks, good thing you're not evil' and the scene ends. robbie daymond tries so hard to sell these terrible, terrible lines, and it almost entirely fails, i'm so sorry prompto. fortunately because i'm a nosy ass, i read prompto's wikia page and knew the plot twist ahead of time, because i don't think i would have even registered it if i didn't.

anyways everyone in the evil empire is dead and ardyn starts talking about how he's immortal and an ancient king of noctis' country but the gods thought he sucked because he's too evil. i missed most of this because the cats got the zoomies and were dashing across the couch right in the middle of his speech so i can't tell you anything else. noctis tries to get a big magic crystal to fight him and instead. gets schlorped inside.

TEN YEARS LATER

yes then ten years actually pass while noctis is asleep. the game shows this by switching the head on noctis' character model to have a beard, but that's it, no changes in animations or whatever. the sky is permanently night and only one human civilisation remains, the rest destroyed by daemons. as a plot point, this ends up feeling. extremely worthless. why was noctis asleep for ten whole goddamn years? so we can wake up and go 'damn it sucks out here'. but it's barely even a like, incentive to fix everything, because you have a long talk with a former child you were friends with where he talks about how humanity is still going fine and everyone's okay and the world has moved on without you. it feels. pointless. when you meet up with your party members, they are exactly as you left them, only with slightly different character models. there is no change in the voice performance, the character's movements or how they talk to show that they've been without you for ten years. they barely mention it. i'm just. so confused as to why they decided that a ten year timeskip was the way to go? since nothing really changes, couldn't you have made it like, two years? one year? six months?? have the characters react a little more? something??? at least if it was only a year or so i wouldn't have to deal with the fact that noctis looks like norman reedus with his shitty facial hair now.

anyways after that there's a bunch of long and boring boss fights. you fight some dead kings for some reason, your party members get a little bit to talk about how cool they are and how much they love noctis, and then you meet up with ardyn. there's another boring boss fight and god this was only a few hours ago but it's already gone from my head. you summon the gods and the old kings to beat the shit out of him after you both go super saiyan again? there's incredible music but it feels barely earned and just kind of eh. anyways, noctis dies, which was the price of using the crystal of light or whatever the fuck. his ghost marries his fiance's ghost finally, and they smile as they look at one of prompto's pictures. you can pick any picture you want to go here, and then the credits roll, showing all of the pictures you saved of prompto's shots. showing me all the pictures at the end is honestly lovely, but it really only served to remind me of how much more fun the game was in the first half. and that's the end, of final fantasy xv.

so what did i think of the story? it's terribly cobbled together and struggles to get you to feel anything and play out all the plot beats. you feel awful for the countless employees who spent years working on the beautiful cutscenes only to have them be in this game, which sucks and the story barely gets through. there were parts that i enjoyed, mostly the thing about the daemons being people, but honestly the rest of it is a mess. it's hard to follow at the best of times and just awkward and terribly written at the worst. the ending is cheap, and it doesn't feel like you've actually accomplished anything. i left that game feeling numb and empty, sad that i'd wasted so much time to end up with such a colossal failure of a conclusion.

i had fun with the game when it was my four little guys running around doing sidequests and camping together. after the midway point of the game, there's none of that, and you're bogged down into a plot that just pushes you from point a to point b and boring overlong bossfight to boring overlong bossfight. the character moments between your party are a lot of fun, but the second you hit fantasy venice, everything is pretty much on rails and you can't do anything except what the game tells you explicitly to do.

should you play this game? no lol. if anything i've mentioned about the story interests you, you'll be better off watching a lore video or reading the wiki. if you do want to play it after all that, just don't proceed after the myrthril refining quest, it's pretty much all downhill from there. will i play the dlc? unlikely, i think lizz and i will just watch a cutscene movie of those.

this game left me feeling empty and numb and not in a fun way. i wanted, so, so hard to like this game, and it all crashed around me in a beautifully overproduced and confusingly written cascade. i love you prompto, but even your cute little freckly face and terrible photography can't save this trainwreck of a game.

tl;dr - final fantasy xv sucks. i hope that 13, our next ff game, will be better.

#ramble #review type thing #did you read all of this? im impressed #i did not proofread #so if its a mess #just pretend thats a meta commentary about the game itself #i wrote this for like an hour trying to understand the feelings this game gave me #final fantasy xv

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soveryanon · 3 years

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Reviewing time for MAG199! ;_;

- That discussion was a lot, and raised a lot of interesting points, but wooftie did the beginning show characters going back to their bad reflexes out of habit and stress. Melanie and Jon were quick to get snappish at each other, and we know from MAG186 that Martin making tea is also his way of avoiding conflict:

(MAG186) ALSO MARTIN: We could. [SIGH] But we both know that loved ones make the worst therapists. They’re too wrapped up in trying to stop you hurting, to actually help. But hey: we know all about that, am I right? MARTIN: There’s nothing wrong with comforting people. ALSO MARTIN: A cup of tea isn’t a resolution. At best it’s a… a plaster; at worst… a muzzle.

So the fact that the sequence began with Martin asking about tea?

(MAG199) MELANIE: … So… ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. [UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE] MARTIN: Anyone want another cup of tea? [SOMETHING WOODEN SCRAPES ACROSS TUNNEL FLOOR] Well, heh, I say “tea”, it’s har– GEORGIE: We can’t keep putting it off. We need to talk about this. About what we’re going to do.

Aouch. (I wonder where the tea came from: from the London supermarket? Or were those the bags he had packed before leaving the Scotland cabin?)

- Meanwhile, Basira was providing out-of-the-box ideas or possibilities and Georgie acted a bit like a debate mediator, laying options down and trying to keep things on track. I’m especially glad that she was the one to point out that there were actually three options, counting inaction (letting the world slowly die out) as one, since, as she pointed out, she had felt guilty for not having helped Jon back in season 4 – she had told him so, she had to reexplain to Melanie again this episode.

- Although he had begun the season correcting Martin about Elias actually being “Jonah”, Jon mainly used “Elias” to refer to him this season, until they reached London and he was oscillating between the two. But since Jon told Elias Bouchard (the real one)’s statement, it’s been “Jonah” without hesitation, to the point that he corrected Georgie about it:

(MAG193) ARCHIVIST: I could kill his body, sever the link, break The Eye’s power, and… Jonah Magnus would die.

(MAG194) ARCHIVIST: Look. Right, when I said that I would “replace” Jonah in there, that’s not… I m– … That place, the centre of The Eye, i–it’s… it wasn’t made for him.

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: I see. Destroy the Panopticon, and you release its power. Kill Jonah, and you cut the connection between the Fears and the world.

(MAG198) ARCHIVIST: Had a blazing row? MARTIN: I, uh… eh… Yeah, that. BASIRA: What? ARCHIVIST: About what we should do with Jonah. With… the Panopticon. BASIRA: Oh, about whether you should, uh…?

(MAG199) GEORGIE: One. We follow Annabelle’s plan. We destroy the Panopticon, kill Elias– ARCHIVIST: Jonah– GEORGIE: Whatever– ARCHIVIST: –Magnus.

It feels like knowing about the real Elias helped Jon distinguish the two, since he could now put a story and a personality on “Elias”?

(I’m still laughing a bit that Jon had to be That Person and interrupt Georgie. Not the point, not the moment, Jon.)

- Overall, I like how we could clearly see what was prioritised by everyone amongst the options they explored and how they approached the problem. Basically, the unknown factors came to whether other worlds were already impacted by the Fears or not, and whether the Fears would contaminate all of them or just a portion, which led to a few scenarios showing what they feared and hoped for the most:

-> Keeping the Fears in their world and sacrificing it in the process: hoping that the Fears were intrinsically tied to this world in particular, that this option would mean their absolute annihilation, and fearing that other worlds getting contaminated by them would lead to these other worlds experiencing their own apocalypse, thus perpetuating a cycle they could have stopped.

-> Throwing the Fears into other worlds to save their own: hoping that the Fears already existed in other worlds, that it would only impact some amongst an infinity of worlds, and fearing that sacrificing their world would be a pointless sacrifice if the Fears happen to exist elsewhere anyway.

Jon was behind the first plan, with a few variations (offering to accelerate the death process if necessary… which, indeed, was chilling, and Basira’s firm opposition against actively contributing to people’s murder was very necessary, but made sense as an option if the scenario was to doom this world). The others federated for the second with various priorities: Basira sounded like she could have accepted the sacrifice of this world if it came with the certainty that it would eradicate the Fears everywhere (but they do not have that certainty), while Melanie insisted on people’s own responsibility when it came to bringing around an apocalypse and the fact that hypotheticals could go both ways, while Georgie seemed more receptive to what would happen to this world for sure vs. the unknown in other universes, while Martin was refusing Jon’s option to take Jonah’s place and was receptive to other ideas. From Georgie&Melanie, there was the additional fact that they had recently witnessed the survivors, who trusted them and were under their protection, getting snatched away without them being able to do anything; from an emotional point of view, it might have pushed them to… do something, anything, that could indeed save people, while they hadn’t been able to be active until now.

* I really like that Basira was the one to point out and reiterate how unfair it was of them to take this decision, that they ultimately were very privileged compared to the main victims, trying to find ways to get people involved in the process. It does feel like she’s learned during the journey…

* Jon’s voice (weary, miserable) when he explained that he already knew what people wanted, and that it was for their suffering “to stop”, broke my heart into pieces ;_;

* Martin’s main argument (“I’d rather live the rest of my life lying awake wondering if I made the right choice, over… lying awake listening to the screams of everyone on Earth being tortured!” really echoed what had happened with Annabelle on their journey to Hill Top Road: that he couldn’t help making additional stops to relieve people’s suffering for a bit, and that he briefly lamented Salesa’s death despite Annabelle pointing out that he had made victims, since Martin “didn’t know them”. Martin reacts more strongly to what’s in front of him, uh…

* Georgie felt very End-touched this episode? “until the end”, “towards the end”, just like Beholding avatars had occasionally been punning about their patron…

* Melanie, sayer of “fuck” /o/

(MAG131) MELANIE: Oooh, fuck off?!

(MAG199) MELANIE: But if you think that’s all I care about here, then frankly you can fuck off out my tunnels on your high horse.

Jon still in the lead with four over the course of the series, we’ll see if anyone else takes the lead with MAG200…

- Overall: what was the most striking was how, at this point, Jon was indeed too disillusioned to hope for any possible positive outcome. They all made good points, about what they knew and didn’t know, about the worst and best cases scenarios – but from Jon’s point of view, it feels like the guilt has been heavy enough already, and that he couldn’t stand to add to it anymore.

(And ;; It’s especially cruel that he stuck to his line of trusting the others, that he shared the information with the others and counted on them to make a collective decision… but that he was the only discordant voice in the end. That was the risk! And it just cruelly (for him) turned out this way.)

- Amongst the points that weren’t mentioned, I’m curious that the followings didn’t come up:

* They barely talked about The Web or Jonah as, well, being the main factors resulting in the current apocalypse – as the people who wanted it to happen and worked for it. They all were ready to take the blame but… the apocalypse wouldn’t have happened if The Web hadn’t wanted to control its escape by backing up Jonah to make it happen, and if Jonah hadn’t worked for it. Yeeting the Fears into other worlds also means yeeting The Web, who now knows for sure how an apocalypse can happen, which means it will search for a crack to widen as its next escape pod as soon as it arrives somewhere else, thus repeating the cycle probably much more faster…?

* They all seem confident that once the Fears leave, they’ll be gone forever. But Gerry had raised the point in front of Jon that nobody can tell really which came first, if the Fears originated from people or caused their fears. What if the problem in the TMA world is that the Fears are produced by people – what if they would be recreated as soon as they leave (especially now that people are left traumatised and hurt)?

* They weren’t sure whether the other worlds would be very similar to theirs (“Assuming time even works the same in different dimensions.”) but… the two examples of people crossing the Hill Top Road line had come from very familiar worlds: Anya’s was almost identical (except that there was no Magnus Institute in hers – maybe no Jonah Magnus at all?) and Eowa was killed by the same army he had tried to flee. The examples both Jon and Martin read about felt really similar to their world; those could be drops in the bucket, but still…

* There was absolutely no mention of the people they lost in the course of the series. It’s a strange feeling, because when it came to it, their conclusions seem pretty disconnected from everything that had happened to them, to the point that Melanie could blurt out “We all lived with monsters in the shadows, and we just got on with it.” without being countered by anyone – although it was the most obvious lie ever (and Melanie had to be aware of it, given how she blinded herself to escape The Eye). Melanie knows in detail how her father suffered because of The Corruption at Ivy Meadows before dying. Georgie lost Alex and her ability to feel fear. Basira had to hunt and kill Daisy after she got lost to The Hunt. Jon was traumatised as kid, witnessed Helen Richardson getting taken by Michael in front of him; Martin was preyed on and groomed for The Lonely for months by Peter; Jon&Martin both lost Tim and Sasha. They know how damaging the Fears can be even at the lurking stage. I wouldn’t have been surprised if, even taking this into account, they’d still have gone with the plan to yeet the Fears (since in the best case scenario, Fears would already be present in other worlds anyway, or whatever inhabits them would be insulated to them), I’m just surprised that the topic of the people they have lost didn’t come up as a potential counter-argument, especially since we’re at the end of this journey.

- Oh gods, Jon leaving for a smoke…

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: Fine. I’m going for a cigarette. [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] [CLICK.]

… sounded like a very bad omen, given how las time he had left people alone to smoke, it had gone, uh, pipe-murderly:

(MAG080) ARCHIVIST: I’m going to have a cigarette. Don’t… [DOOR OPENS] Don’t. [DOOR CLOSES]

Surprised that nothing bad happened when he left; if it had been at the end of an episode, I would have panicked for a week about the Watchers coming back for the others while Jon was away.

- It was the first time we’ve heard Jon smoke on tape! We knew he did thanks to a few mentions (him announcing his cigarette break to Leitner in MAG080, the fact that Daisy had found Silk Cuts in his bag in MAG091, when he had tried to give a cigarette to Gerry in MAG111) but we hadn’t heard him taking a smoke.

* … How long has Jon carried these cigarettes? Did they come from before the Change, did Jon restock at Salesa’s, did he get some from Leitner’s stashes of stuff? Or does his own stock never truly deplete, The Web providing an infinite supply of cigarettes just like the recorders keep spawning?

* We could hear the whirring sounds and the drones, Georgie joked about an “indoor smoking ban”, Jon commented he could think better here, we heard Georgie climbing stairs to reach him, so I’m guessing he was at the bottom of the tower? I like how this scene managed to feel nostalgic despite of it, with Jon being somewhere between inside and outside and hiding for a smoke – we don’t know for sure where he used to go to smoke, but Gertrude had mentioned the Institute has a courtyard.

* And just the location highlighted Jon’s situation: not “human” enough anymore to be in the tunnels, but refusing to embrace what is at the top of the tower. So, alone in that in-between.

- Gods, the Georgie and Jon scene began so adorably?

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [LONG EXHALATION] GEORGIE: You do know there’s an indoor smoking ban, right? ARCHIVIST: They’ll make an exception for me…! GEORGIE: [FAINT CHUCKLE] ARCHIVIST: Besides, I can’t really think down there. [DRAG ON CIGARETTE] That’s not true, I can, it’s just… exhausting. Puts me in a foul mood. [INHALE] It’s better up here, close to The Eye. Thoughts come quicker. GEORGIE: … If it’s any consolation, you seemed pretty on the ball earlier. ARCHIVIST: It isn’t really but… thank you.

Friendly exes! It really took me back to the familiar bantering they shared in season 3 – except that, back then, Jon was trying to hide what was truly happening to him, and this time around, Jon was shown more open and direct about what was on his mind.

- Again, I love and hate what the scene said and showed, reminding us that… even if the plan they have chosen goes accordingly, Jon won’t be okay, as Jon had explained to Martin:

(MAG181) ARCHIVIST: Uh, these last few days I–I’ve been… getting weaker. Dizzy spells, vagueness, you’ve seen it. Being cut off from the Eye, i–it’s not good for me. MARTIN: Yeah, but if… [INHALE] If you’re that connected, that… dependent, what happens if we actually, y’know, do manage to– ARCHIVIST: We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I just need us to be moving on.

(MAG191) MARTIN: … Jon. If… When we defeat The Eye, the Fears… What happens to you? [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: Nothing good. I think it depends on what actually happens. […] If, however, we… find a way to destroy or, uh… eliminate the Powers… I’m not going to be okay. There’s… too much of me that’s part of The Eye now. I don’t… know what would be left of me without it. Maybe I just… die. Maybe I survive, but I–I lose… something. My identity? My mind? My… memories? I don’t know.

(MAG197) ANNABELLE: Most would simply lose whatever power they have been gifted. Jon would lose much of himself, the parts of him that are The Eye. But he would survive. And perhaps, more importantly, he would remain who he believes himself to be. [TAPE SQUEALS]

His moment of rest consists of coming up under Beholding’s radar again; but if they succeed, there won’t be that anymore. At best, Jon would be like he was in the tunnels, at worse, he would wither away like he did at Salesa’s, losing grasp on his memory and unable to focus. It wasn’t mentioned as a factor in their discussion (Martin and Jon had already covered this privately earlier in the season, after all), but it’s likely not something Jon has forgotten.

- Oh GODS, Georgie, no!!

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … Can I have a cigarette? ARCHIVIST: [AMUSED SNORT] … Sure. [PASSING ONE OVER]

(MAG001) ARCHIVIST: “I picked myself up as best I could, checked I hadn’t seriously injured myself, no broken bones or anything, and decided to roll a cigarette to calm myself. That was when I heard it. [STATIC RISES] “Can I have a cigarette?” [STATIC FADES]”

Given Jon’s reaction, he had picked up on it. You either die an Archivist, or you live long enough to see yourself become the Anglerfish’s victim.

- Georgie used to smoke, and Jon knew that about her! They might have been smoking together as students, given Jon’s official chronology regarding smoking?

(MAG080) ARCHIVIST: I’m going to have a cigarette. Don’t… [DOOR OPENS] Don’t. […] Sorry, I’ve been quit for five years now, but th– [STUNNED SILENCE] … Oh. Oh god… I need to… Uh… I need to, um… [TRAILS OF ALMOST INCOHERENTLY]

MAG080 had taken place in February 2017, so five years ago was 2012, which is roughly when Jon joined the Institute (in MAG051, he had mentioned “One of [his] first cases as a researcher for the Institute in 2012”). Although, well. Jon saying that he had “been quit for five years” wasn’t super convincing when he apparently had cigarettes on him at that moment, but it’s a bit difficult to guess when Jon went back to smoking in the series (Elias’s “He’s not smoking again, is he?” in MAG039 could have been referring to him knowing that Jon used to smoke, or to Jon having started again as soon as he got the lighter; and Tim’s “I don’t mean like ‘sneaking a cigarette’ bad” in MAG079 could have been a random example, or referring to the fact that Jon was indeed having cigarette breaks in season 2 and not being super subtle about it).

- Aouch about the theme of shattering illusions and your heroes being people above all:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: I thought you quit? GEORGIE: I did! For my health. But… it’s already the apocalypse so… I’ll need a light too. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. [LIGHTER SNICKS OPEN] [GEORGIE LIGHTS UP] GEORGIE: I tried to avoid it in the tunnels, when we had our, uh… When the others were here. […] ARCHIVIST: You didn’t want to tarnish the image of the prophets? GEORGIE: Just didn’t think they wanted one of their “revered leaders” puffing away in the corner. ARCHIVIST: [MURMURS AN ASSENT] GEORGIE: Saw a bishop smoking once when I was a kid, full Easter regalia and all. Really weirded me out.

The comparison hurt a bit by likening the survivors in the tunnels to… children who can’t really tell decorum apart from reality, but there sure was an interesting theme of Georgie being aware of how she was seen, and trying to not hurt the survivors while at the same time indirectly feeding their perception of her as “holy”.

- Okay, so. Probably what felt the biggest, most important thing in this episode was… Georgie taking the lighter, how it happened, and whether or not it will be narratively relevant.

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … Can I have a cigarette? ARCHIVIST: [AMUSED SNORT] … Sure. [PASSING ONE OVER] I thought you quit? GEORGIE: I did! For my health. But… it’s already the apocalypse so… I’ll need a light too. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. [LIGHTER SNICKS OPEN] [GEORGIE LIGHTS UP] GEORGIE: I tried to avoid it in the tunnels, when we had our, uh… When the others were here. [LIGHT METALLIC SOUND] Nice lighter. [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: Hmm? [STATIC FADES] […] I should probably quit myself, then. [LIGHT METALLIC SOUND] GEORGIE: Then, you won’t mind if I hang onto this? [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: [DISTRACTED] Hmm. [STATIC FADES] GEORGIE: … I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: I know you hate what we’re doing.

* Static when people mention the lighter and Jon not being able to focus on it is far from new:

(MAG111) GERARD: Nice lighter. You a spider freak, then? ARCHIVIST: What? Oh! Er, n–no. I–I, I never really, uh… I never really thought of it. I–I’m Jon. I’m with the Magnus Institute. … I–I’m the Archivist.

(MAG136) DAISY: [SCOFF] She’s… Web. Spider’s sneaky like that. [PAUSE] Like that lighter you’re always using. Where’d you get that? ARCHIVIST: Mm. [STATIC RISES] Good point. We should keep our eyes open. [STATIC FADES] Anyway, how’s Basira doing?

(MAG162) MARTIN: You said this place, the–the cabin was… [WOODEN CREAKING SOUND] It, it’s feeding on us, right? ARCHIVIST: Yes… MARTIN: … So should we… destroy it, before we go? […] We’re not even gonna try? We, we’ve got your lighter, maybe we could just– ARCHIVIST: We can’t fight the world, Martin.

(MAG197) ANNABELLE: And it just so happens that the perfect tool was once delivered to you as a token of appreciation. Though you really do need to learn to keep better care of it. Somehow, it always seems to slip your mind, doesn’t it? ARCHIVIST: What…? BASIRA: Jon, it’s that stupid lighter of yours. ARCHIVIST: [INDIGNANT] My what? I… [STATIC RISES] [PULLS THE GOLD LIGHTER WITH EMBOSSED SPIDERWEB FROM POCKET AND FLICKS IT OPEN] Oh? … Oh. [STATIC FADES]

What is surprising is that it still happened even after Annabelle pointed out the purpose of the lighter. If Jon is supernaturally compelled to not pay attention to it (by The Web, to ensure it stays with Jon? By Beholding, out of self-preservation, like it tried to push Jon away from Eric’s tape that explained how to quit the Archives?), how the heck was Annabelle expecting him to use it in the tunnels to explode the Archives with the gas main?

* At the end of the episode, the others explained how they would proceed, and it’s presented as a given that Jon wouldn’t be in the tunnel team – but rather, that he would go with Martin, despite being unnecessary since Martin would take care of the Jonah murder. It’s rather strange that the others didn’t ask for the lighter directly, but that Georgie took it in the flow of the conversation and in a way Jon barely noticed… as if she wanted to take hold of it sneakily because it was necessary that Jon didn’t really notice. Plus, as was explained, Melanie is supposed to be the last person standing to ignite the gas main: Basira is supposed to be a planned distraction, and Georgie is a back-up distraction in case things go sour. If the point was to get the lighter for the gas main, then Melanie should have been the one to get hold of it.

(* It’s additionally rather strange that Georgie said she had “tried to avoid it in the tunnels” when the survivors were around, implying it was a conscious choice but she might have been smoking outside when patrolling with Melanie… yet had to ask Jon for a cigarette and for a light, as if she didn’t have these things on her.)

Overall, I see three options:

* Total coincidence, red herring, Georgie just didn’t take her own lighter along because she wasn’t planning on smoking.

* Since the beginning of the episode implied that Jon&Martin&Basira had given a complete recap of what had happened to Hill Top Road before the tape recorder clicked on, Georgie took the lighter on purpose to free Jon from The Web’s potential influence. She hasn’t gone back to smoking during the apocalypse; she lied about it to lower Jon’s guard by telling a convincing story, given that Jon knew she used to smoke. Likely meaning that Georgie&Melanie&Martin&Basira have another plan in Jon’s back, but couldn’t share with him due to both the tape recorders and Jon’s connection to Beholding – if Jon knows something, then Beholding might be knowing about it too.

* It’s… actually an End thing. There was a feeling of finality when Georgie took the lighter, as if she might be taking a step that would irrevocably lead to her own death? (“The moment that you die will feel exactly the same as this one.”) She said the exact same thing (“Nice lighter.”) as Gerry, who was dead when he said it; she took the lighter for a dangerous mission; she pointed out her own regrets due to her inaction, and was the one to mention that they had to pay the cost, whatever it was, for this plan to succeed. I don’t know, I got the impression that things might be slotting into place, that her own mechanism had set into motion – that things in the tunnels will go awry, and that she won’t make it out.

- Overall, I like the different approaches characters had about their own guilt and Jon’s in this episode:

(MAG199) GEORGIE: … I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: I know you hate what we’re doing. ARCHIVIST: I hate all the options, I just… It’s all my fault, you know? GEORGIE: What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming? ARCHIVIST: Mmm. GEORGIE: We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going– ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: –to affect the whole world…! ARCHIVIST: They were still my choices. GEORGIE: … Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really. ARCHIVIST: Hmm.

For Jon: what was the most apparent is that he was adamant about presenting what happened as his choices. It could be a remnant of Elia’s gaslighting about it (MAG092: “You never wanted this, no. But I’m afraid you absolutely did choose it. In a hundred ways, at a hundred thresholds, you pressed on. You sought knowledge relentlessly, and you always chose to see. Our world is made of choices, Jon, and very rarely do we truly know what any of them mean. But we make them nonetheless.”), but also a sign that Jon had been struggling about (what he perceives to be) The Web’s hold on his life: if The Web had indeed manipulated him all his life, since he was eight, puppetting him like Francis or the kids at Ray’s house, then what is left of Jon? What is his, who is he? Jon clinging to his own guilt, his own responsibility, the idea that he made his own choices at every turn, might be his way to not fall into the other extreme, the idea that he has been nothing but the Web’s marionette all along and that he’s nothing without it.

It’s also striking that the others have told Jon that the apocalypse wasn’t truly his fault, that they knew Jon hadn’t wanted it, but that Jon redirected the blame on him every time anyway. Georgie tried two other approaches in quick succession: taking The Web into account, with the idea that Jon’s particularity was that he was preyed upon by it, that the consequences were only more dramatic than regular “bad choices” because something was planning to use them anyway; and then, something that resonated more strongly with Georgie’s own experience. As she told Jon, she had regrets about not helping him, felt like she had failed him and had contributed to the steps leading to this apocalypse: she knows what it is to carry that sort of guilt, although on a smaller scale. (And her last sentence felt… extremely End-touched, too.)

- The moment of Georgie introducing that Martin (“your next appointment”) was there and that it was her cue to leave was so sweet ;_; Jon’s ex to Jon’s current partner, and both Jon & Georgie being cool about each other’s new partner in their lives…

- And gooods, Jon&Martin’s conversation ;_;

(MAG199) GEORGIE: He’s all yours. MARTIN: Thanks. [GEORGIE’S FOOTSTEPS DESCEND AND FADE] … You all right? ARCHIVIST: Yeah. Sorry it got so heated in there. MARTIN: Don’t be. I’d have been more worried if you were super calm about it. ARCHIVIST: Yeah. MARTIN: … I’d understand if you hate me right now. ARCHIVIST: What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will, and I know you love me too, I mean… [SIGH] That’s it, isn’t it? That’s… the real core of it. You want to save me. MARTIN: I want you to save yourself.

* The fact that Martin was ready and understanding that Jon might hate him for the option Martin defended, that he was expecting Jon to hate him for it, and that he still stuck to it… Oh, Martin… (It’s not the first time a Magnus moment made me think of the When They Cry series but… this one was peak Federika’s poem: “Don’t be sad. The world may not forgive you, but I do. / Don’t be sad. You may not forgive the world, but I forgive you. / Tell me. What must I do to earn your forgiveness?”)

* So many “I love you” coming from Jon this season…

(MAG161) MARTIN: I’m sorry. ARCHIVIST: No, it’s– [SIGH] I love you, I just… I need more time.

(MAG162) ARCHIVIST: “The screams may linger on the distant breeze, and your eye may wander beyond the curtains from time to time, but you and the one you love are, it seems… safe. […] There within the thing that pretends to be a cabin is the one you love. […] The one you love is always near, so close that refuge sometimes feels a prison.”

(MAG183) MARTIN: … I’m sure I love you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: I love you too. [FABRIC RUSTLES] Let’s go.

(MAG191) MARTIN: … I promise. I love you, Jon. ARCHIVIST: [FOND HUFF] I love you too.

(MAG199) MARTIN: … I’d understand if you hate me right now. ARCHIVIST: What? No! No, Martin, I love you. I always will, and I know you love me too, I mean…

I really wasn’t expecting it when season 4 ended, and yet!! Jon has been so soft and open about it with Martin this season…

* I really like the nuance Martin insisted on, that he mostly wished that Jon would want to save “himself” – it’s not necessarily that Martin is right about it but… from his point of view, he might still be suspecting that Jon is still pretty much self-destructive (although in indirect ways), as Daisy had pointed out in season 4, and that his way of engaging in dangerous missions is still tainted with guilt, with the idea that he has to compensate for something:

(MAG142) DAISY: Not like there’s… “normal” trauma, you know? But it’s pretty common. The most important thing becomes control, engaging on your own terms. Even when it’s stupid or dangerous. Anything to not feel helpless. MARTIN: Oh, god… DAISY: And of course, for Jon, there’s survivor’s guilt in there, too. He thinks he’s not human. Makes him very… self-destructive. MARTIN: Yeah, well. We’ve all had trauma. DAISY: And everyone’s changed.

(And gods. Maybe the problem this season for Jon is that Daisy wasn’t there anymore to at least point out these things. She hadn’t really managed to take Jon’s mind off of it (and he hadn’t opened up enough with her to confess that he had been attacking people) but she might have been able to lay it out, at least, if she had been there…)

- I’m really glad about the contrast between Jon and Martin when thinking about hypothetical scenarios!

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: … Sometimes… I imagine if none of this had happened. If we had just… met. Been together, w–without… all of this. MARTIN: [SOFTLY] Me too. … But we wouldn’t have, would we? Been together, I mean. ARCHIVIST: Huh? W–what do you mean? MARTIN: Well…! We had that, didn’t we? Almost a year of just working a normal job together and… you hated me. ARCHIVIST: I didn’t “hate” you. MARTIN: No–no, no, no, I listened to those tapes. At one point, you explicitly said you’d be fine with me being chopped up by that old jigsaw lady. ARCHIVIST: Oh, god, Angela! Ha! She’s still about, you know? Lording it over a nasty little Flesh domain. Anyway, I didn’t explicitly say it, I… implied it. MARTIN: Face it, Jon, it took almost two years of crisis and trauma to even make us compatible.

* Jon truly is the romantic in that relationship.

* I’m very glad for Martin pointing out that he remembers how Jon used to treat him, and that he doesn’t really believe that they could have gotten together without the circumstances they experienced. I don’t think we’re meant to take Martin’s words exactly at face value (the circumstances allowed them to open up to each other and get closer, they didn’t necessarily turn them into whole other human beings), but it makes sense that, from his perspective… it’s hard to romanticise the past:

(MAG014) ARCHIVIST: I sent Martin to look into this “Angela” character, not that I want him to get chopped up, of course, but someone had to. Apparently he spent three days looking into every woman named Angela in Bexley over the age of 50. He could not find anyone that matches the admittedly vague description given here, though he informs me that he had some very pleasant chats about jigsaws. Useless ass.

Jon was absolutely awful to him back then, and ranting about him on tapes was textbook workplace bullying since he knew the tapes were semi-public (as in MAG032, Tim reported to him that researchers and students had been pointing out mistakes in his recordings). Off-tape, just from Martin’s point of view, we know that it was so pervasive that he remembered about it when left alone, tormented by his worst memories and feelings:

(MAG170) MARTIN: … Oh, I, I met someone! Did I tell you? He’s… [SHUFFLING] I, I don’t know. I like him. He doesn’t like me, though. Not really. I don’t blame him. I don’t like me sometimes, and I am me! Plus, he’s… he’s my, my boss? Is that right? [CREAKING] Ei–either way. It’s probably for the best? Wouldn’t really be appropriate, eh…!

(MAG186) ALSO MARTIN: Or… does it just keep paralysing us, make us shrink back and wait, hoping things work out? Like with Jon when we thought the worms had got him. MARTIN: Hey, to be fair, he still kind of hated me back then. I’m really not sure it would have been the best time to take my shot. ALSO MARTIN: … Fair. He was projecting hard.

Season 1 is not a time Martin would be eager to go back to, because it’s when Jon was at his worst against him (and Martin lived in fear of his fake CV being discovered), while for Jon… it was before Prentiss attacking the Institute, before his scars and before losing Sasha. It makes sense that Martin would want to defend what they got, to defend this world over others, given that from his point of view, it might be the only configuration possible that made his relationship with Jon possible – which, once again: might not be necessarily the truth, but makes sense from Martin’s point of view.

* Though, Martin, sweetie, the “normal job” included you getting besieged by Prentiss for two weeks and having to eat canned peaches. It’s never really been a “normal” job.

- Jon lightening up at the mention of Angela and immediately infodumping about how she was doing was so bittersweet to me, since it emphasised (once again) how deep Jon is in the Fears’ society by now. Those are familiar names, familiar figures, doing terrible things, but it still feels like his own universe when he mentions them, when he explains what he knows about them. Once again, it makes me wonder what will be left of him once all those things are just… gone.

- Martin listened to so many tapes, uh?

(MAG142) MARTIN: I listened to your old statement. Wasn’t your partner down there? DAISY: Yeah. Didn’t find him.

(MAG188) MARTIN: Plus, I… I was a little bit jealous as, well. ARCHIVIST: Of what? MARTIN: Of Helen. Well, the, the real Helen. I found the tape when you were on the run and… I don’t know. Something about the way you two seemed to connect when she came in. ARCHIVIST: [HUFF] Before she was eaten by a door. MARTIN: Well, yeah. It certainly seemed to have a pretty deep impact on you.

(MAG199) MARTIN: No–no, no, no, I listened to those tapes. At one point, you explicitly said you’d be fine with me being chopped up by that old jigsaw lady.

He listened to the one involving Angela (MAG014), to Helen’s statement (MAG047), to the events that got Daisy section’d (MAG061) – that last one being even more interesting since it explicitly mentioned that Basira&Daisy were giving Jon the tapes, which means it was from the stash Jon was recording secretly. I’m back to fearing a bit about Martin as a back-up Archivist: he used to read statements and to take a few live ones, Annabelle made him read her statement in MAG197, he’s been listening to tapes… just like Jon.

- Martin has been good at finding loopholes in mutual promises:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] That’s very sweet of you, Martin. Sort of. … Thank you. MARTIN: Wherever you go, I go. That’s it. ARCHIVIST: You promised to let me go, if I had to. MARTIN: And you promised not to go if there was any other choice. And there is. So that’s the deal. ARCHIVIST: … That’s the deal.

Martin said that he wouldn’t “doom the world” over Jon: he’s still respecting that in a way by prioritising Jon and this peculiar world (and as the others had pointed out earlier, they weren’t sure whether their actions would doom others or not).

I’m super afraid about that “Wherever you go, I go” which sounds like something that could suddenly come to a stop. Martin had pointed out multiple times that he was “following” Jon (MAG170: “I was following, al–always following, never leading; never leading.”), but recent episodes have operated a bit differently – Jon didn’t follow Martin to his domain, respecting Martin’s wish to confront it alone, and Jon followed him to Hill Top Road. At this point, Jon has been following Martin, too…

- I got a first impression of Martin’s words before understanding that it could actually be referring to multiple things:

(MAG199) MARTIN: I guess that’s why it really bothers me, you know? [SAD CHUCKLING] I try, but I can’t actually imagine… ever making a decision that I knew meant losing you. And it… It hurts to know you can.

At first, I thought Martin was saying that he felt like Jon would be ready to sacrifice Martin or his relationship with him for a greater good, while Martin definitely couldn’t (as he pointed out to Also Martin, his limit would probably be to sacrifice Jon), but… it could also be a reference to Jon’s self-hatred, the fact that Jon would sacrifice himself so easily. In that case, it’s a bit hypocritical of Martin indeed (since he had told Also Martin that he was ready to sacrifice himself too), but I still feel like there might be a difference between the two – Martin would do it to save the world or Jon (or to not live on the pain of his domain’s victims), while Jon… would likely do it out of self-hatred and because he feels like it’s his responsibility to make up for the apocalypse.

- The contrast between Georgie’s scene and this, when Jon finally broke ;_;

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: I hate all the options, I just… It’s all my fault, you know? GEORGIE: What, because you weren’t able to outsmart the literal embodiment of manipulation and scheming? ARCHIVIST: Mmm. GEORGIE: We all make bad choices, Jon. It’s not your fault some eldritch horror decided yours were going– ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] GEORGIE: –to affect the whole world…! ARCHIVIST: They were still my choices. GEORGIE: … Yeah. And you live with them. Or you don’t. That’s all there is, really. ARCHIVIST: Hmm. […] You didn’t damn the world, Martin. MARTIN: [SIGH] We all– ARCHIVIST: [HARSH] No! “We all” nothing! I… I’m the one who caused all of this, that’s just the truth of it! I’m the one whose whole life has been nothing but one – long – setup – to this. MARTIN: Jon… ARCHIVIST: [WITH SADNESS] You didn’t speak the words! You didn’t feel them move through you, vomiting out of you like…! [SHAKY BREATHING] … I did this. It’s my fault. And I don’t want… I can’t let anyone else feel that, that… helpless, enormous guilt. Ever.

Both Georgie and Martin beginning by “We all”, but Jon’s reaction being so hugely different when he heard it for the second time.

* I wanted Jon to have a breakdown, I got the breakdown, I’m still sad about it ;_;

* Jon had been very susceptible to the rhetoric of being “chosen”: he had wondered about it in season 3 and 4, until Jonah had concluded that if Jon had been “chosen” in any way, it was by him when he decided that Jon’s Web mark made him prime for his plan and that it was mostly just due to Jon’s “own rotten luck”. It might have been easier to swallow for a while, technically, until Annabelle reactivated all those fears about being “chosen” but from even longer – since childhood, since he was eight, since he was just a kid who just survived a Fear encounter. I do feel like there was a lot of bullshit in what Annabelle told him, in the way she framed it; she had also told Martin that a web couldn’t be “precious about a single strand” and I feel like it was more likely that there were multiple potential Jons, or that The Web had already tried to get someone (Gertrude? Her assistants, with Emma pushing them into danger?) marked and prime for the final ritual. But Jon has been very vulnerable to the idea that there could be something wrong inherent to him, that things he had no power over had to be his fault somehow, such as not being able to rescue his bully, or Sasha getting killed by the Not!Them, or the apocalypse (while he had more trouble accepting his own blame for things he was directly responsible for).

* I was wondering recently if Jon might have finally accepted that he wasn’t responsible for the apocalypse, that it was Jonah’s fault (since he hadn’t mentioned it for a long while at this point) but… nop. He didn’t really change his mind about it since the start of the season, just got better at hiding it:

(MAG161) MARTIN: Jon, it’s not your fault… ARCHIVIST: Martin, can we not do this again. MARTIN: Sorry. ARCHIVIST: I’m just… I’m mourning a world I killed…! MARTIN: I know… ARCHIVIST: And we’re all trapped in its rotting corpse…!

* ;_; My heart broke when Jon recalled the experience of reading Jonah’s letter, and how traumatising the mere action was. We could hear him struggle and try to stop speaking in MAG160, and yet the letter was following its course…

* Just like with The Web’s clutch on him yet Jon still defending that he made those “bad choices”, it’s heartbreaking how Jon seems to be stuck on the paradox of being conscious that he couldn’t stop reading the letter, that something awful was done to him, yet still defends that it’s his fault and his responsibility. Jonah was barely mentioned this episode (and not as the man who chose to unleash that apocalypse), but he was still… very present in the multiple ways he fucked Jon over.

* It’s extremely sad that their current plan requires to trample on precisely the thing Jon didn’t and doesn’t want (to inflict what he experienced over someone else)… and yet, as sad it is, it also needs to be seen in the whole situation. Is guilt the worst thing that someone can experience? What about the people currently being tortured in their domains? (Or is there something coming up, such as Jon’s guilt being one aspect of his “domain” all along?)

* But still. Sobbing over the fact that Jon didn’t even blurt out out that he couldn’t allow anyone else to be hurt and fucked over by another Jonah like he was, but that the worst thing, for him, still was this “helpless, enormous guilt”. Not the pain, not the constant anguish, not the people he lost, but the guilt of having been used to end the world.

- There have been a few mentions revolving around Jon’s voice lately:

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: As far as I can tell. I–it’s hard to s–… If I look too closely at them, my own voice, things get… recursive. Hard to follow. […] ANNABELLE: [CHUCKLING] I am sorry you find them irritating! They’re a side effect of the very specific way this web has been spun. I thought you liked his voice? MARTIN: I do when it’s his voice. I’ve never liked the statements. It always felt… Yeah. ANNABELLE: Well… you can trust me when I say you’ll be hearing his real voice very soon. […] We found the one we believed most likely to bring about their manifestation. We marked him young, guided his path as best we could. And then, we took his voice. ARCHIVIST: No… ANNABELLE: His, and those he walked with. We inscribed them on shining strands of word and meaning, and used them to weave a web which cast itself out through the gate and beyond our universe. So that when the Fears heard that voice, and came in their terrible glory, they might then travel out along it. [TAPE SQUEALS] Or be dragged.

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: [WITH SADNESS] You didn’t speak the words! You didn’t feel them move through you, vomiting out of you like…! [SHAKY BREATHING] … I did this.

And once again, there was the “For the silence” coin Albrecht discovered in the tomb of what was likely to be an old Archivist. Whatever happens in MAG200, I wonder if Jon won’t lose his voice in the process? Wouldn’t be the worst thing and, anyway, he will lose his voice symbolically with the end of the podcast (even in the case where he wouldn’t be straight up dying) but… I don’t know. The end of the episode had Jon exceptionally withdrawn and silent while the others discussed, so it already felt like he was falling “silent” in a way, and I wonder if he’ll lose his voice in a more literal way during the crisis, especially if the Fears are following “his voice”…

- Martin was so soft… and the Fabric Rustled again.

(MAG158) MARTIN: I see… [INHALE] I see you, Jon. [BREATHLESS CHUCKLE] [PRESENT, ECHO FADES] I see you…! ARCHIVIST: Oh, Martin… [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: I w–I was on my own…! I was all on my own…

(Season 5 trailer) MARTIN: You know I’m here for you. ARCHIVIST: [LONG SIGH] … Yes. Yes I do. [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] MARTIN: All right. All right. ARCHIVIST: Thank you.

(MAG170) ARCHIVIST: [CLOSER] Oh! Martin, hold on, I–I–I’m coming, I just… [STATIC REACHING A PEAK] [FOOTSTEPS] Oh, Martin! Thank god, I, I was… I–I thought you were behind me. [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: I thought you’d left me behind…! Gone on without me.

(MAG177) ARCHIVIST: … I’m sorry. [SILENCE] MARTIN: [SIGH] It’s okay. I understand. [BAG JOSTLING] [FABRIC RUSTLES]

(MAG183) MARTIN: … I’m sure I love you. [FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: I love you too. [FABRIC RUSTLES] Let’s go.

(MAG187) ARCHIVIST: [GROGGY] Oh. Martin, good! [BAG JOSTLING] [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: Wh–, wh–wh–what happened? Th–th–there was the hotel and then…

(MAG191) MARTIN: No, I, I know, I know. I’m sorry, it’s okay. [SIGH] [FABRIC RUSTLES] ARCHIVIST: … Bad dream? […] Maybe I just… die. Maybe I survive, but I–I lose… something. My identity? My mind? My… memories? I don’t know. [FABRIC RUSTLES AS THEY EMBRACE] MARTIN: [LONG EXHALE]

(MAG197) ARCHIVIST: Martin! [FABRIC RUSTLES] MARTIN: … Oh god, I’m sorry, I– ARCHIVIST: It’s fine.

(MAG199) MARTIN: Hey. ARCHIVIST: [SNIFFS AS IF TEARING UP] MARTIN: Hey, hey, hey, hey, come here, come here. [FABRIC RUSTLES] ARCHIVIST: [SNIFFS] MARTIN: We’re going to fix it. ARCHIVIST: No…! [HUFF] … We’re just going to pass it on…! MARTIN: You don’t know that.

It might have for the last time ever…

- What was that sigh, Martin.

(MAG199) [SILENCE, AS THEY BOTH COMPOSE THEMSELVES] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Come on. The others will be waiting. [SHUFFLING] [FOOTSTEPS DESCEND] MARTIN: [HEAVY SIGH] [CLICK.]

Was it “just” the sigh of knowing the current plan is making Jon miserable, or is it the sigh of someone who knows that something could comfort Jon, yet can’t share it with him yet…?

- Logistic of things in the next scene was that Jon&Martin came back to Georgie, who explained to them that Basira&Melanie had gone scouting, and the tape recorder clicked on when Basira&Melanie arrived:

(MAG199) [CLICK–] GEORGIE: I’m not sure, they said they were out– Oh, hey. [DOOR CREAKS, FOOTSTEPS ENTER] ARCHIVIST: There you are. I was getting worried. MELANIE: We were scouting. I was showing Basira where we think the gas mainline is. MARTIN: And? BASIRA: Not good. You know those Eye things? ARCHIVIST: The old Archivists? BASIRA: Yeah. I think they know something’s up. The place is crawling with them, it’s like they’re looking for something. MELANIE: Or patrolling. MARTIN: Hmm. GEORGIE: That’s why the stairs were unguarded? BASIRA: It looks that way.

* I’m still not sure what the point of the lighter is in relation to the tape recorders and The Web. Annabelle implied that the lighter had acted as a tracker or would act as a tracker (MAG197: “A little anchor of our power, so that we, and our tapes, may follow wherever you go.”) but we’ve had various examples showing that it wasn’t exclusively the case: the tape recorders had turned on and off in the Archives and in Elias’s office while Jon was away in season 3, they turned up around Martin and in Elias’s cell in season 4, one popped up to record Melanie&Georgie at the end of MAG191 while they were walking in London. What it might be able to do, however, is allow the tape recorders to reach places that should be insulated from other powers (such as within the Coffin, or when Jon was Nikola’s prisoner, or at Upton House)? I’m not sure. Anyway, Georgie took the lighter, has the lighter, and the next scene included Georgie, so I wonder if something will change in the POV of the action next episode, or if the team wasn’t suspecting that The Web still had another use for Jon.

* Why are the Archivists acting up? Is it because Beholding is getting impatient and wants Jon as its pupil? Is it because Beholding is sensing that something is threatening its position? Is it because Jon knows about the plan and the potentiality of Beholding losing its hold over this world, therefore allowing Beholding to know about it and making it react in self-defence? Are Jon’s own feelings about the plan influencing Beholding? Jon said that he didn’t feel like it could think but, if The Eye was indeed behind Jon’s difficulty to listen to Eric’s tape, that showed that it still has instincts and a capacity to try and protect itself.

- As mentioned above, I’m surprised that the last person standing to ignite the tunnels is supposed to be Melanie:

(MAG199) ARCHIVIST: So what’s the plan? MELANIE: I reckon me and Georgie go for the mainline, and hopefully they won’t notice us. GEORGIE: I’ll need a torch. They might notice that. BASIRA: I’ll give a diversion. I’ll try and draw them off. MELANIE: And if they see Georgie’s torch, we just go to Plan B. She becomes another distraction, and I go solo. GEORGIE: I don’t like the thought of you going on your own. MELANIE: And I don’t like the thought of you being chased by manky old archivists, but there it is. MARTIN: Okay. [EXHALE] So what are you going to do when you find it? GEORGIE: We’ve got some old tools. I guess we just… mess with it until we smell gas, and then… back off, set something burning and leg it. It can’t be that hard to break a valve.

… since Georgie had been the one to take the lighter, and didn’t present it as an element she would require in their plan. It’s possible that she’s going to give it over to Melanie and just retrieved the lighter for that goal but mmm, I’m still having doubts about it.

* I love Melanie’s “manky old Archivists”, I’m going to miss her so much ;_;

* … screaming a bit because GEORGIE, if you smell gas, it’s TOO LATE to ignite something without getting caught in the middle of an explosion…………. It’s gonna go very wrong, isn’t it.

* Sob, Melanie&Georgie had been resolute about doing something in MAG191, and Georgie still wanted to be careful about the old Archivists at the beginning of MAG192… but now, they’re really ready to risk everything, uh…

- Melanie was way more careful (and less confrontational) with Jon now that they had to establish the plan, and I wonder if Georgie asked her to tone it down or if Melanie made a conscious effort since they needed to pool their resources and collaborate? I’m really curious about Jon’s wording here:

(MAG199) MELANIE: … Jon, you’re sure about this whole gas main thing? It just seems… I don’t know, really mundane. ARCHIVIST: It’s what Annabelle said. And she wasn’t lying – at least, she didn’t think she was. BASIRA: Well, it’s a bit late for second-guessing.

Because what Annabelle thinks and the reality of things could be very different things. I’m still having some doubts about Oliver and her explaining how their patrons work and presenting them as Fears-that-can-think – it’s fitting in a way but… we also had examples of older avatars (Simon, Arthur) pointing out that they couldn’t guess what their patrons wanted except for some cravings. Something I could see is about the relation between avatars and their Fears (between humans and fears): the idea that the Fears might be… whatever people project on them, and them modelling themselves in turn. Could The End kill people in this world if Oliver wasn’t convinced that it could do it? Could The Web feel so omnipresent and powerful if Annabelle and Jon weren’t projecting their own fears on it?

- Georgie gave me so many red flags this episode…

(MAG199) GEORGIE: Well, we’ll do what we can but… this is it. Whatever it takes, right? If there’s a price, we pay it. No hesitations.

And that one was especially bad by itself, but it also echoed Gertrude’s last instructions to her potential successor:

(MAG161) GERTRUDE: You are entering a new world, a place I’ve lived for most of my life. A place… [SIGH] A place that will often demand a high price from you. Pay it without hesitation, because one way or another, the world is now on your shoulders.

Basically paraphrasing what Gertrude said? Bad sign. Baaad sign.

- There might have been a small misunderstanding between Melanie and Jon there ;;

(MAG199) MELANIE: Sure he can! Just magic-laser-eye zap him or whatever, same as with all the others. MARTIN: [SIGH] MELANIE: Like he did to Helen. ARCHIVIST: Listen, Melanie, I– MELANIE: It’s fine. If we all get out of this, we can talk it through, and, if not, well, it doesn’t really matter, does it? ARCHIVIST: I suppose not.

Since Jon had been unaware that Martin had broken the news to her already, and that Melanie already knew that Helen was bad news… but had learned from Basira that Melanie used to be close to her:

(MAG190) MELANIE: Oh! Oh, I nearly forgot! Careful of Helen, if you see her. MARTIN: Mm? MELANIE: Uh, she turned up a while back and tried to eat Celia. MARTIN: She was here? MELANIE: Yes… A few times. [INHALE] Looking back, I was so stupid! MARTIN: Because you kind of liked her? MELANIE: Yes. Yes… Honestly, I had started to think she was on our side. MARTIN: Yeah. MELANIE: [SIGH] MARTIN: Jon killed her. MELANIE: [SPLUTTERING] Uh, sorry, what?! MARTIN: Yeah, she tried to– I wasn’t there, but they got into a standoff and he… he destroyed her. MELANIE: He can do that? MARTIN: Mm! MELANIE: Well! I mean that’s… that’s interesting to know.

(MAG195) ARCHIVIST: … I also killed Helen? BASIRA: Oh! Right. ARCHIVIST: Yeah… [CONSIDERED ROWING] BASIRA: Didn’t expect that. ARCHIVIST: She was dangerous. And not like the others out there. It was only going to be a matter of time before– BASIRA: No, no, I get it. Honestly, it’s kind of a relief. How did Melanie take it? ARCHIVIST: Melanie? BASIRA: Yeah, she and… she and Helen were pretty tight back when, uh… Oh… ARCHIVIST: What? BASIRA: Back when you were in your coma. ARCHIVIST: I see…! Well, I haven’t told her yet, so… I suppose I have that to look forward to when we get back.

So: from Melanie’s point of view, she used to be close to Helen but learned independently that Helen wasn’t her friend and was actually dangerous for them. From Jon’s point of view, Melanie used to be close with Helen and might have just learned that he had killed her (and might be sad about it). But Melanie was dry about it and it came as an accusation, which immediately made Jon defensive about it. They can’t really manage to interact without making a conscious effort to not rub the other the wrong way, uh…?

Cries, still, because they’ll never talk it through, uh. ;;

- I am REALLY concerned about Martin being adamant that Jon couldn’t be the one to kill Jonah because of the potential consequences…

(MAG199) MELANIE: And it’s hardly going to be a picnic for you either. You’re going up that tower to kill Elias, and if we muck up the timing, you’ll be up there when it blows. MARTIN: … Jon can’t do it. ARCHIVIST: What? […] MARTIN: You’re not listening. I mean, if he kills Jonah, then knowing our luck he’s just gonna end up taking his place in the Panopticon, isn’t he? GEORGIE: [SIGH] Good point. MARTIN: He can come up with me, but when it actually comes to Jonah… BASIRA: You’ll have to be the one to do it. MARTIN: Yeah. ARCHIVIST: Martin… I don’t– BASIRA: Have you got this? We can trade if you don’t think you can do it. MARTIN: No. No, I can do it.

… because it’s not what Jon had said:

(MAG193) MARTIN: So not that then, but… wh–what about something, like… physical? ARCHIVIST: I… What? MARTIN: Look, I know it’s all about… dream logic and metaphor and all that… stuff, but, you know, what if we just… what if we just grabbed him and, you know, pulled him down? Or, or just threw something heavy at him? ARCHIVIST: Uh… […] You were right. MARTIN: About what? ARCHIVIST: His body is vulnerable. A–at least to me. MARTIN: … What’s the catch? ARCHIVIST: I could kill his body, sever the link, break The Eye’s power, and… Jonah Magnus would die. MARTIN: Okay, that sounds good but…? ARCHIVIST: But… that wouldn’t actually harm The Eye itself. And with him gone it would… it would choose a suitable replacement. MARTIN: Oh. ARCHIVIST: If we kill Jonah Magnus… I take his place. MARTIN: Oh, god… ARCHIVIST: And I think… that’s exactly what it wants…!

Jon said that killing Jonah would lead to Beholding taking a replacement, not necessarily the person who’d kill Jonah… and regarding “suitable replacement”, Martin was emphasised as Eye-aligned this season (and Lonely):

(MAG183) ARCHIVIST: Well, you’re a watcher, Martin. You worked for the Institute, you read statements, The Eye is… fond of you. You’re not getting thrown into your own personal hell, which means… MARTIN: [QUIETLY] That one of them belongs to me. But that’s… Ho–how can I be a “Watcher”? I, I didn’t even know it existed! ARCHIVIST: But you’ve suspected for a while now, haven’t you? MARTIN: Maybe? But that’s not “watching”! ARCHIVIST: Do you want me to tell you about it? MARTIN: No. … Yes. N–no, no, I don’t know, I don’t know. [SIGH] [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: It’s a small domain. A swirling mix of The Eye and The Lonely.

And was supposed to take Jonah’s place at the end of season 4 precisely thanks to his connection to Beholding:

(MAG158) PETER: I want to use the powers of this place to learn about The Extinction: what it’s doing, where it’s manifesting. Then we can stop it. MARTIN: And you need me for this? PETER: Correct! Without a connection to The Eye, any attempt to use it would likely end… very messily indeed! But thankfully, it just so happens that you hold such a connection. MARTIN: So that’s it… Both “lonely” and “watching”. PETER: You must admit you’re the perfect candidate. […] You’ll have to dispose of the current occupant. MARTIN: Curren–… [QUICK FOOTSTEPS] [SHARP BREATHING] … Who is that? PETER: Jonah Magnus! His… body, at least. Sitting here; watching; binding it all together; growing ever older. If you want to take his place, well… MARTIN: … I’ll need to kill him. PETER: Yes. Don’t worry, though. I brought a knife. […] Martin. What are you doing? MARTIN: I’m… saying no. I refuse! Game over. [KNIFE CLATTERING ON THE GROUND]

Jon hadn’t mentioned whether Martin would be able to hurt Elias (just that he could), but we’ve seen that dream-logic could be a factor to hurt each other: Basira could kill Daisy, Daisy could hurt Jon through their connection. Given that Martin was once expected to kill Jonah (did Jonah fear that Martin would choose this?), and that Martin has felt guilty all season about the fact that he feels like he could have stopped things if he had just knifed Jonah:

(MAG174) MARTIN: All those lies you told me… You helped to do this, you turned the world into your… your playground! SIMON: Hum… Not to be a pedant, but if you recall, I was actually doing a favour for Peter. And if Peter had won, none of this would have happened.

(MAG186) MARTIN: [HEAVY SIGH] If we’re glad, why do I feel so… ALSO MARTIN: Guilty? Because you feel guilty about everything. MARTIN: That’s… That’s not– ALSO MARTIN: […] The end of the entire world? MARTIN: If I’d done what Peter had asked… If, if I’d not chickened out, and just killed Elias when I had the chance…! ALSO MARTIN: Really? Really, that’s how you’re choosing to remember it? “Chickening out”? MARTIN: I remember it was the wrong choice…! ALSO MARTIN: You choose to remember it that way, and so the guilt– MARTIN: [SIGH] I–I get it, all right? But I need it, I, I choose the guilt, because… ALSO MARTIN: [LEADING] “Because”? MARTIN: Because it motivates me to do better!

I could see Martin managing to hurt him thanks to this. But regarding what could come afterwards:

I’m concerned about the fact Jon tried to object during the discussion and that nobody listened to him… as if Jon was already anticipating something to go very badly because he knows something the others don’t. Overall: what if Martin can’t kill Jonah? What if Martin kills Jonah and Beholding takes Jon anyway? What if Martin kills Jonah and Beholding picks Martin as a replacement?

(Mental picture of Jon screaming “Take me, not him!”, since we’ve been in the season 1 nostalgia this episode… ;_;)

- Aouch for Melanie falling back into old habits…

(MAG199) MELANIE: Make sure it hurts. MARTIN: Oh, I will. MELANIE: … Good enough for me.

(MAG117) MELANIE: I have my own stuff to take care of, they think they’re giving me a chance to “face my demons”, by helping to take down Elias. They don’t get that the only way to deal with something like him is to watch his eyes go dead with your hands around his throat. [SHAKY INHALE] I’ll… play it their way, for now. But when it comes down to it… I want – to see him – dead. […] [INHALE] So… yes. That’s it. That’s all you’re getting, because it hurt like hell to live through, and I didn’t do it so you could stroke your chin and call it fascinating. … Good luck, Jon. I do hope you win. [INHALE] But I also hope it hurts…!

- So, resting time:

(MAG199) GEORGIE: Okay. Sounds like we’ve got… something like a plan. MARTIN: [SOUND OF ASSENT] BASIRA: Makes a nice change. [VARIOUS SOUNDS OF ASSENT] MELANIE: [BRIGHTLY] It does, doesn’t it? Eh! Uh… so. When do we actually do it? GEORGIE: First thing tomorrow. That’ll give us time to prep and rest.

Georgie had already explained how they evaluated “tomorrow” in the tunnels and without any clock:

(MAG190) GEORGIE: Look. We’re all tired, and you still seem a little… disoriented by the tunnels. Let’s get some rest. We can talk about next moves tomorrow. ARCHIVIST: And how do you know when tomorrow is? GEORGIE: We generally err on the side of caution and sleep in…! ARCHIVIST: Sounds good.

So they’ll probably do the same ;;

- Basira thanking Jon for helping her with Daisy (and for helping her personally) made my heart break a bit and really made it sink in that it was likely the last time some (most? all?) of them would talk to each other, or that they won’t be in any state to discuss things like this afterwards. It was also fitting that Jon got his private moments with Georgie, with Martin, with Basira… but not with Melanie. That bridge burned, uh.

- Overall, although with interesting points and heart-wrenching and bittersweet and tender and intimate moments, it was… quite a depressing episode in the whole scale of things?

* The episode gave the impression that it was validating everything about The Web: that Jon had indeed been “Chosen” as the bringer of the apocalypse and had been a right pick for it; that Annabelle had been right when she told Martin that she just needed to tell them the truth for them to do what she wanted; that The Web scheming for centuries to open the crack and prepare its escape, and bringing the apocalypse about just to escape and infest other dimensions… worked. That everyone, regardless of their motivations and feelings, has indeed come to the conclusion that arranged The Web and served its plans, that The Web… is very casually winning just as planned.

* The episode didn’t talk about what would come after, for the characters. Jon briefly explained to Martin what was likely to happen to him, Annabelle confirmed it, but… the episode gave the impression that characters weren’t truly expecting to come out of this alive in the first place.

* Jon’s silences in the last sequences were so sad? He barely managed to sneak in a few words. He couldn’t contribute to the plan. Martin presented him as optional while others are taking care of the action. Yes, it used to be all on Jon but the fact that he couldn’t even contribute and that others ignored him when he tried to object about Martin being the one to kill Jonah was just so heartbreaking, as if he was already silenced and once again not in control of things that would happen…?

- I want to err on the side of caution but, despite it, I can’t help but wonder if some of the Team Archive interactions weren’t… staged a bit for the tape recorders. It’s very suspicious that they apparently got updated on the Hill Top Road situation, but that nobody commented about the tape recorders turning on (although they now know that it means The Web is spying on them and/or that their tapes will be heard by other people in other worlds and associated with the Fears). Melanie and Georgie had taken notice of them when Jon&Martin had arrived in the tunnels for the first time, Melanie was good at hearing the tape recorder turning on… but nothing this time around. Is it possible that they’re planning something else, too, and that it required The Web and The Eye (the tapes and Jon) to not know about it, a bit like how the assistants had put on a show in front of Elias in season 3?

(MAG116) ELIAS: Now! If you’ll excuse me. [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES] BASIRA: Do you think he bought it? MARTIN: We’ll talk about it later. ARCHIVIST: I doubt we’ll get time, we need to go. MARTIN: It’s fine. We’ve got this, okay. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] … Okay.

Is it why Georgie took the lighter?

I don’t want to bank on it but the fact that nobody has commented about the tape recorders since Annabelle revealed what they were and their purpose has been any nagging at me, so, mmmm…

If MAG200 actually shows the action as it happens, I’m wondering about a few things:

* How are they planning to time up the explosion and the Jonah murder? Jon couldn’t know about the tunnels when he was outside of them, and according to what we’ve heard in MAG192, climbing the tower was a very long process. It’s possible that Jon actually has some awareness of the tunnels as long as he’s in the tower (since both are connected), or that they’ll go for the murder once they hear the explosion coming to them, but how would Georgie&Melanie coordinate to not do anything before Jon&Martin are the top? (When I’m wondering about it, I can think of a few options: Jon&Martin dropping something once they’re at the top, to convey they’ve arrived, or maybe relying on whether a tape recorder clicks on, as a signal that Nothing Interesting Is Happening Up There And It’s Your Turn To Do Something, etc.)

* Will we hear Rosie again? Jon&Martin might have to pass in front of her again to reach Elias. Will they evacuate her, will she stay with them?

* … Surprisingly and yet fittingly: we might hear Jonah/Elias in the last episode. (And funnily enough: it would be the 4th episode where he would talk this season, which means this wouldn’t even be the season with the least amount of Elias appearances! He was in 3 episodes in season 1 (MAG017, MAG039, MAG040) and in 4 episodes in season 2 (MAG048, MAG060, MAG067, MAG080). Season 3 was an outlier that really got us used to hearing him a lot.)

* I’m still squinting about the fact that Annabelle told them to “destroy the Archives” and that they translated it into “destroy the Panopticon” while both Jonah and Oliver designated Jon as the “Archive(s)”…

* If they succeed, and if it all goes accordingly, I am really wondering about the state of the world post-Fears – and it might not be something we’ll get to witness. But mostly, I’m curious/concerned about the complicated cases: if people do remember what happened to them and who were the rulers, wouldn’t it be likely that things turn into chaos as people get back at the people who hurt them? What about the cases Basira mentioned of rulers who hated being in that position? What about, for example, Callum? (Who is currently doing horrible things and… is also a traumatised kid.)

* I wonder if the episode will have an actual date as the case number, and if it would correspond to another world’s timeline or this one. “0181810–B”, as things pick up from the point Jon had read Jonah’s letter (MAG160’s was “0181810”)? “0212503” to play with the release date, since it’s the same release date for everyone for once (no early access for Patreon)? “0111507” to play with the date of Jacob’s statement, heard in the very first trailer? Something beginning with “015” as, in another world, someone (Jon or Sasha or someone else) becomes a new Head Archivist after Gertrude’s death?

* If The Web succeeds and leaves with the tapes, will they be like the Fear Books used to be perceived in this world? Will Jon’s voice be perceived as a bringer of disaster and tragedies? What will happen to Jon’s voice is an interesting question given that this episode ended with… Jon being withdrawn, barely being part of the conversation, trying to object and not being heard, as if his voice was already partially silenced by the others.

* Technically, since the tapes are supposed to leave with The Web, the series might cut off with the tapes leaving, but… other configurations are possible. We could finally hear something without the mediation of the tapes. We could get a new point of view from another world, inheriting the fears. We could be deprived of the action, since the plan was laid out, and have someone (Martin?) recalling what happened, much later, etc.

In previous seasons, the 40th episode was more about the aftermath of the action and posing elements that would be fundamental during the next one: MAG040 explained how Prentiss had died, what had happened to Jon&Tim, but also confirmed (to the audience) that something had replaced Sasha without the others noticing, and revealed that Gertrude’s obviously-murdered-body had been found in the tunnels, leading to Jon’s secret investigations in season 2; MAG080 showed Leitner explaining to Jon who was likely to be Gertrude’s murderer, what the Institute was about, that Jon was now a servant of Beholding and that a Fear ritual was incoming, leading to Jon’s quest to stop the Unknowing; MAG120 confirmed who had come out of the Unknowing alive, revealed what Jon’s dreams were about, had Peter replacing Elias as Head of the Institute and confirmed Peter’s interest in Martin; MAG160 had Jon&Martin running away, Jon receiving Jonah’s letter hidden amongst the statements (and a few tapes likely sent by The Web) and being forced to read his incantation, provoking the current apocalypse.

MAG200’s title has been made public on twitter, so – “Last Words” it is. It sure feels like the series is ending ;; It’s fitting for both the characters and the podcast itself, and I’m screaming that it had appeared in the first episode of this season:

(MAG161) ARCHIVIST: Hang on, have you been recording this? [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] TIM: Oh, yeah! I… just thought it might be nice, you know, something to look back on when we’re all old and sick of each other…! […] Now, all right, all right; fine! Look: I’m turning it off. Any last words for your future selves?

… in the specific context of leaving a message for the future.

#yaayyyy i posted it more than 17h before the ep release! (shhhh that it would be Late if we had gotten an EA release)#i have absolutely no idea how i'll manage to get 200's done given how i had finished the last episodes pre-hiatus #at the end of every hiatus every time. i'll try but. deadlines are my worst enemies and my best friends.#mag199 #tma liveblog #tma season 5 #long post/#the magnus archives #overall: CRIES CRIES CRIES i'm gonna miss these nerds.............#and WorriedTM.........

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