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seeingivy · 8 months

Text

the sound of the applause

actor!eren x f!reader

**part of my method acting series

content: pain pre cursor.

an: songs mentioned - london boy by taylor swift, golden hour by jvke, girlfriend by avril lavigne. anyways. this chapter tame af. we are starting our demonic era. and no, you are not getting an eren pov until I say so. and I have covid so I am feeling extra evil and already writing the next one.

previous part linked here

You’re twelve years old the first time that you feel it.

You have hippies to thank for the entire ordeal. In your small, small town in Canada, there’s very little tension or importance on the arts. Singing, dancing, acting - like many places around the world - fall short to the highs and lows that come with sports.

Your middle school is no exception. A school that can barely spare money to fund a dying arts department, that begrudgingly offers one generalized art class that covers the basics of painting. Except when the hippy dippy parents in town petition, file a complaint with the mayor, they’re sequestered to include arts in all sectors that sports are included in.

A law that opens doors insanely. And creates the opportunity that exposes you to it. The singer showcase at the football pep rally.

And if you have to, you guess you have to thank food poisoning as well. Because Paulina, the original girl who was supposed to sing, was missing from first period that morning and you were all too quick to offer to take her spot.

They give you that pitchy, old black microphone and let you sing your heart out to one of your favorite old songs, At Last by Etta James. And when you open your eyes, the recollection of the performance is wiped from your mind seconds after you finish, and there’s only one thing you remember. It rings so hard, the sound so loud in your eardrums that it’s all you feel. The rush of the blood, the eyes staring back at you, and your cheeks burning.

When you think back, long and hard, that’s the first time it happens. The first time you feel it. It sits with you, that resounding pressure, that digs on you to give in. The need, the want, the infatuation with the rush you’re feeling.

And the obsession with the sound of the applause.

“Y/N. Wake up.”

You aggressively push your forehead into the plush of your pillow, creating a nice symphony of groaning songs in response to Danny, who is interrupting your beauty sleep.

“How long has it been?” you murmur into the pillow, the stinging in your head and the fatigue sitting in your body telling you it couldn’t have even been an hour.

“An hour. But I just realized, the bridge didn’t come out right when I was mixing so you have to record it again.”

“Can you come back in like three years? When I have the energy?” you groan.

“Y/N. I’ll see you in five down there.” he definitively states, shuffling out of your room.

Against every fiber of your being, you pull yourself out of the bed and drag yourself down to the studio, making it a point to glare at him as you re-record the bridge of the song you wrote yesterday. You give it a few tries, messing with the octaves and inflections, until you get a shining thumbs up, and wrap yourself into the blanket left on the couch.

“You write anything new?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

You hold out your green book to Danny, opening it to the page marked, at which your producer is already wrinkling his nose. He hasn’t even read the lyrics yet, but you’re sure the title - Cry - is already setting him off.

“You didn’t even read it yet.” you respond, frowning.

“I don’t have to read it to know it’s brilliant. But you were there in that meeting last week and you know this isn’t what we can push out.” he responds, turning back to his soundboard, half-pulling his headphones back onto his ear.

“Danny. I-I just haven’t been able to write songs like that lately. This is what’s coming out.”

After nearly a year of writing music and touring, Danny and Sareen have leaned heavily into your Lover Girl branding. An affectionate term used by your fans, but now the entirety of the breadth that you work with. You’re widely known for the lovey dovey, sweet songs you write so when anything that falls outside of that mold, it isn’t stuff Danny and Sareen appreciate.

But you haven’t been able to write any of that lately. Which only makes that resoundling, crackling, heavy pressure in your head worse. Like you’re defective.

He turns around in his swivel chair, taking the little bound book you’re holding out for him, as he starts flipping through the pages. The worn down book you were gifted on your birthday years ago is filled with every mess of lyrics you’ve written, though none of them are meeting the game plan that was set weeks ago.

That announcement sent everyone on your team into a frenzy, which was so far from your initial reaction.

First of all, it was a rumor. That you were one leg away from being a triple threat. Second, if it’s true, you’re ecstatic. Enthralled and honored and every feeling in between. That you were even in the consideration for being a triple threat, let alone a few feet away from it.

No one else on your team saw it that way. Your producer, Danny, saw this as a sign that you need to be making more music and faster. The songs you make take you weeks to write at this point, no thanks to the perfectionism that comes with writing the lyrics and working out the sound. He’s set a goal for you - to write one song everyday. It makes it - that impending doom in your head - ten pounds heavier.

Your manager, Sareen, is no better. She only took this as a sign that you need to start being more vigilant. A hard-assed woman in her forties, Sareen is all about work ethic. That staying determined is the only way that you will get through this. And she’s extremely blunt when she tells you so.

Stars don’t take breaks. If you want it that badly, you have to work harder. There’s six thousand things working against you, take it as a note that you need to be running faster. That you aren’t trying hard enough. Those are equivalent to dumbbells for that rock on your head, that you’re sure is responsible for pinching all your nerves.

And it’s a matter of proving yourself. To Sareen, Danny, Eren, and everyone who watches you.

You appreciate the push. It’s extremely draining, but worth it when your song releases are so anticipated that you’re selling millions of copies before the song comes out. Have sold out stadium tours, and are shortlisted for awards nearly every time you do something.

You wake up. Get ready for the show. Memorize lines in between shows, film when you don’t have shows. Write songs on flights, produce through voice memos since you’re hardly in one place at a time.

And when you think about it all, finally being a triple threat, finally getting to hear Eren say that he told you so like you said that first night on set together, it’ll all be worth it. It’ll be over.

You can stop running. You can stroll, swim, make the music you like. So you oblige. This is part of the process, you just have to push through. There’s an end goal in sight. And being near Eren is a part of it.

“Have you ever thought about writing a song about…Ricky James?” Danny asks, swinging around in his chair as he smiles at you.

You wrinkle your nose as you throw the closest thing, an empty CD case, at Danny as he laughs back.

“Ew, Danny. That’s so not a thing.”

Ricky James, an infinite, insurmountable amount of talent, was your co-star on your last movie, Little Women. A British singer-songwriter, who virtually blew up over night.

He was nice - definitely the charismatic, flirty type of co-star. You’re positive half of it is the accent. After the two of you started doing press for Little Women, everyone was swooning over the two of you together. At how you guys had a handshake, did your famous kiss scene in one take, and how in almost every interview, he made it a point to joke that he was in love with you.

You get it. It works well for the press, gets people talking about the movie. But you could never like a guy like Ricky James. Or anyone who wasn’t Eren, for that matter.

“I know it’s not a thing. You’re all goo goo ga ga over loverboy. But it’s the same thing that we did for Little Women. He used the fact that people like to speculate to his advantage. It wouldn’t hurt to do the same.” Danny responds, shrugging.

“I already do use that to my advantage. It’s no secret that I earned my whole Lover Girl branding from writing love songs about Eren.”

“Yeah, but you know how it’s been for Eren lately. Maybe it’s not the best thing that your name is attached to him anymore? For both of you?” Danny states.

Eren’s had a rough go of it lately. After Satellite Port failed and the joke they made at the awards show last year, he’s all but resigned into what you call hiding. He said that he’s just busy, focusing on landing new roles and getting more credits under his belt. You know that he recently signed a deal with Scott Clarkson to film five movies with his studio, which is promising.

But you know Eren too well. He’s retreating, hiding in all senses of the word. From you too. The texts he used to send you - good luck before every show, a good morning even though you were on different sides of the world - have ceased all together. And the few seconds you do catch him, he seems worlds away.

And it’s not just you who has caught onto it. The last time you saw Historia, when she came to watch your show, she mentioned that she was concerned about him, that she thinks he’s being a little bit self destructive by working with Stone Studios. That Scott Clarkson is not a good idea.

Granted, Scott Clarkson is buddy buddy with John. You know that’s a touchy subject for her and made it a point to bring it up to Eren. To see if he was okay. But you were flying out for a tour and forgot to. And then he started showing up in the press again, hanging out with the cast he’s been working with, so you figured it was fine. That he’s going out again, smiling in photos.

“That-that’s not true. He’s on the come up - he’s going to be the lead in the Gatsby remake that Stone Studios is doing. I’m sure he’ll get an award for it.”

“There’s no need to get defensive. I’m just saying it doesn’t hurt to expand your horizons. Triple threats are awarded for being versatile, not sticking with what’s easy. Maybe you just need to push the boundary of what you think you can do.” he says, giving your forehead a tap.

“It kind of feels like cheating to write a song about someone that’s not him.” you murmur, looking down at the pages in your hand. Eren’s handwriting is scribbled onto the invisible string page. Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven.

“You know, Sareen’s not too keen about this relationship. And I know that Eren’s team isn’t either.” Danny states.

“Who are they to tell us who we can date?”

“It’s not about who you can date. It-it’s about the image. Tying your name to his doesn’t exactly always work in your favor, Y/N. There’s no loyalty in an industry like this. And for Eren’s case, you’ve never really helped him in that sense. When you stand together, with the success you’ve had, all they see is a failure in Eren, when he’s really not even that bad.”

“People’s comparisons aren’t my fault. And Eren’s doing fine, he-he’s okay.”

“Now, he is. But a few months ago, it was your name next to his that was dragging him down. If it comes down to triple threats and it’s between you and him, are you telling me that you would really pick him over you?”

Yes. One thousand times, yes. Though you know that’s not the answer Danny wants.

“You have to be more selfish, Y/N. And maybe that’s selfless for Eren's sake too. There isn’t room for the both of you, right now. I know you love him, but Sareen has a point. Is working this hard worth it if you don’t get what you want out of it? You and Eren have all the time in the world to be together, just focus on your career before him.”

You frown, staring at the wrinkles pressed up against his forehead.

“You can have what you want - have your cake and eat it too, write all these corny love songs about him after you make it. Stop running when you’re actually there, kid.”

You look down at the pages, the thoughts floating through your mind, as the lyrics start spilling out. For your first song that’s not about Eren.

London Boy.

You try to make a point to call Eren before releases. Key word, try.

But it doesn’t happen that way. Because Eren’s in Los Angeles and you’re in Tokyo and the time difference messes the two of you up so bad that when they surprise drop London Boy, you don’t get to warn Eren beforehand.

And when he texts you about it, you can feel the guilt creeping into your chest. Because you know he’s too nice to say what he actually thinks about it. If it were you, you’d wring Eren’s neck out for writing a song like this about his co-star he’s rumored to be dating. But Eren is Eren and he would never.

eren: “he likes my american smile?” babe, you’re canadian.

eren: i like the song. really.

you: i have dual citizenship.

you: eren. i’m so so sorry. i meant to tell you before but the time differences, we just kept missing each other. you know i don’t mean any of it, right?

you: it’s just a marketing thing danny and sareen planned. the song will be a hit if people are speculating who it’s about and stuff.

eren: i figured. you don’t have to explain yourself to me!!!!

eren: you’re a pop princess <3

eren: and currently number one on the billboard hot 100 for the fourth time in a row!!!

You nearly throw your phone across the room at the notifications, the frustration building so hard that it’s all pouring out of your head. You can see the stack of gifts at the front of the room - candies from Falco and Colt, as well as Marco, Historia, and Reiner - for the release.

And it’s moments like this, when you’ve been running so fast and pushing so hard, that you resort to one of your worst tendencies. Because the only thing that helps you when you feel like this is being a masochist. Feeling bad only makes you want to feel worse. Like you deserve it.

So you inflict it on yourself. By reading what people say about you online.

You reach back for your phone - ignoring the messages from Armin, Bertholdt, and Levi - as you scroll to Twitter, hiding the light of the phone under your sheets as you look through the app.

You look at the trending tab. Y/N L/N, London Boy, Ricky James, Eren Jaeger, and love is dead are trending.

You press your bolded name and swipe to the recents tab, scrolling through every tweet, each one categorizing, sticking in your mind as you scroll. A mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly.

That you’re pretty. That you’re ugly. That you have no personality, that you write mediocre songs, that you’re the best actress from Attack on Titan. That you’re lucky for bagging Ricky James and Eren, that you’re too good for Eren, that you’re horrible for writing the song.

You place the phone flat on the sheets, the absence of light making your eyes sting, as the tears string out of your eyes.

You want to make your cake and eat it too.

But is it even worth it if this is how you have to get there?

You stick your hand out, swinging it in the air with Ricky as you do your handshake, and plop onto the couch. Danny and Sareen called a meeting with Ricky’s team before you guys went to the wrap party for The Proposal, which is the only thing on your calendar that you were actually looking forward to this month.

Because Annie and Armin are the leads and because you know Levi and Hange are going to be there.

“This is Michael and Nancy. They’re my talent managers.” Ricky states, pointing out the two people across from you.

“Sareen and Danny. Sareen’s my manager and Danny’s my producer.”

“Is he behind the genius of London Boy?” Ricky asks, smirking at you.

“Shut up. London Boy isn’t about you, Ricky.”

“Oh, shut up. I know I’m your muse.”

The line sits in your stomach wrong, because all you can think about is Eren. Seventeen year old Eren, shimmering green eyes on that empty set when you wrote New Year’s Day. You shake your head as Danny turns to the two of you, a smile on his face.

“We have an idea.” Danny states, a smile on his face.

You and Ricky nod as Nancy and Sareen start laying out the plan, each consecutive word twisting horribly in your stomach.

Surely they can’t be serious.

“We think that the two of you should date, as a PR move.” Sareen states, handing over a folder to you.

There’s dates listed out, public places where they want you and Ricky to meet at, and songs they want you to release about each other. All down to the slated releases, ideas for album covers, and interviews they want you to do.

“This is part of Y/N’s triple threat campaign. I think putting in this whole ruse of a relationship and writing songs about it, especially if there’s some part of it that will be drama because of Eren and Lana, it’s even better.”

“Lana?” you ask.

“She’s Ricky’s old girlfriend. They aren’t dating anymore, which is something that we should capitalize on. For the both of you. This should get Ricky into the leagues for the Album of the Year award when he releases next year.” Nancy states, flipping through the pages.

You look over at Ricky, ready to fully shut down the idea. But when you turn your head to him, he’s flipping through the pages, writing down his own ideas in the folder.

“Ricky. You’re not actually considering this, are you?” you whisper.

“You aren’t?”

“I’m dating Eren. No, I’m not considering fake dating you for the press.”

“Eren, who was seen on a date with Myka yesterday? Right.” he states bluntly, flipping through the pages.

“That’s just tabloids, Ricky. Be serious.”

“And so is this. Myka and Eren are in a movie together. You and I are musicians. You can do the same thing as him and I bet you he wouldn’t even care. And he shouldn’t, because your career comes first.” Ricky states, leaning forward on his knees to discuss more with Danny and Sareen.

You flip through the folder again, each consecutive page filled with more and more details of how they want you and Ricky to pretend. And the last page has the words bolded, little stars around them.

Y/N gets triple threat status! Ricky gets Album of the Year!

“Y/N. Have your cake and eat it too.” Danny warns, a reminder of what you’re supposed to be prioritizing.

“This is the time to run, Y/N. You’re almost there.” Sareen affirms, the two of them nodding as they look at you.

And by the way five of them are staring at you, big eyes filled with anticipation as they wait for your response, you know you can’t say no. That insurmountable pressure - to please, to be successful, to be the best - wins out, every time.

Danny’s produced for three different hit pop stars. Sareen’s managed some of the biggest names in the industry. And you have no idea who Nancy and Michael even are, but if they’re working with Ricky, they’ve got to be in the big leagues.

You put the folder down, giving all of them a nod, as they all erupt into cheers. Ricky leans forward to give you a kiss on the cheek, which you tell him to save for the cameras, as you take the folder and walk out.

And figure out how you’re going to tell Eren.

You head to the wrap party three hours later and any excitement you had about the event is immediately drained when you know that Eren’s going to be there and you have to talk to him about it. Break up with him.

“Y/N!”

You turn around to find Armin and Annie, the two of them wrapping their arms around you as they press kisses to your cheeks. You try to stifle the literal tears that are making their way to your eyes at the sight of them, their blue eyes the same soft ones you’ve always known.

“Annie. Armin. I’m so excited for the movie, I’m sure it’s going to be great.” you say, squeezing both of their hands.

Two of your shyest friends still, they’re both blushing at the praise as Connie and Sasha walk up. You’re wrapping your arms around all of them, as everyone else - Reiner, Mikasa, and Jean - join you.

“So Y/N. London Boy, huh?” Connie asks, smirking.

“Did you guys know that Eren is from London?” Sasha says, sarcastically.

“Oh, quit it. It’s just one of those PR things. The triple threat thing made them all go crazy.” you respond.

“We respect the hustle, Y/N.” Connie states, mock saluting you with Jean.

“There is no press better than you and Eren releasing Medicine and Dress on the same day.” Mikasa states, earning a bunch of laughter from the group.

“Oh god. Don’t remind me. Whore move, from the both of you.” Reiner says, pinching your cheek. Connie mocks the ah ah ah, from Dress, which has you all laughing.

You smack his hand off as Marco slings his hand around your shoulders, squeezing hard and smiling at you so big, in earnest, that it makes your chest hurt.

“Can you believe it? You’re so close to it, Y/N - I can feel it.” Marco says, leaning forward to press a kiss onto your cheek.

You reach up to squish the plush of his cheek as Marco mimics your movements, the two of you smiling at each other. And then you feel two warm hands on your shoulder and turn around to see Eren, soft green eyes looking into yours.

And it makes you burst into tears. Soft green eyes, albeit a little tired looking, and Eren’s hair all grown out. When did Eren grow his hair out to his Season Three length? The last time you saw him, it was so short. He looks the same. He feels far away. And that pressure in your head is resounding.

“Yeesh.” Connie says at the sight of your spilling tears, earning quiet laughs from everyone.

Eren brings his hand up to your cheek, swiping the wetness away, as he glares at Connie.

“Connie.” Eren warns, the tone in his voice threatening.

“Sorry. Just missed him, that’s all.” you respond, wiping the last of the wetness off your face as they all smile at you.

“Man, every time I see one of you, you’re crying.” Hange says from behind you, the group of you turning your heads and immediately tackling them and Levi into hugs. Eren reaches for Hange first and you go for Levi, his stupid minty smell making your tears return.

You look up at Levi, who's glaring at you, and can’t help but smile.

“Levi. You could at least pretend you’re happy to see me.”

“I am happy to see you. But not when you’re crying in public. You two are going to give me an ulcer.” he states, frowning as he glares at Eren at your side.

You look over at Eren, the end of what Hange said catching up with you.

“You cried in front of them? About what, Eren?” you ask, voice soft.

“Ah. Nothing.” Eren responds, cheeks lightly pink as he runs his hand through his hair.

You both let go of Hange and Levi as Armin and Annie take to the makeshift stage, giving a little speech about their time on the film and how grateful they are for everyone in the room for supporting them. And as they do, Eren jabs his elbow into your side.

“Ow. What gives?” you whisper.

Eren places hand on his chest, feigning shock.

“Don’t tell me you forgot our secret hand signals already?” he whispers.

Jab in the side. Meaning, you need a second to talk, away from everyone.

“As if.” you respond, giving a nod to his sign.

He gives you a smile as you both turn your heads back to Annie and Armin, who are playing the trailer on the screen now. And when they finish, the resounding noise of the claps are the last thing you and Eren hear when you go out to the balcony, the cold air surrounding you both.

You wrap your hands around your arms, which Eren picks up on too fast and suddenly he’s taking his coat off and wrapping it around you. Making a point to pull your hair out of the collar, hands focused on fixing your hair around your face.

“Eren.”

“Yes?”

“I-”

The words die on your tongue. Because here he is, the perfect green eyes you fell in love with staring at you in the lamplight of the dark, and you can’t say it. You can’t shatter his heart into pieces or be the one to let him go.

When he’s one of the only things you’ve wanted.

“I know how you feel, Y/N. You don’t have to say it.” he whispers, hands tucking your hair behind your ears before letting go.

You can feel the tears spilling out of your eyes as you frown at him, the look on his face so pained that it hurts.

“I’m guessing they don’t want you to see me, at least not for right now?” Eren asks.

You nod, aggressively wiping away the wetness on your cheeks as you reach for his hands, squeezing three times. You hate that he knows. That Danny and Sareen think he isn’t good enough for you. When you’ve always been the one who was never in the same league as him.

That Eren was the one who defended you when you were there, but no one’s letting you do it for him.

“I still love you, Eren. You-you know that?”

“I know that.” he whispers, nodding. His eyes are focused on your hands, interlocked with his. He reaches in for your bicep, fingers tracing over the fish tattoo right above your elbow.

“Fishbowl, Y/N. We’ll come back to each other when it’s time. Just don’t be a stranger.” he says.

You nod, reaching forward and wrapping your arms around him as you nearly sob into his chest, his voice soothing your hiccuping, even though you’re the one who just smashed him into pieces. And when Eren wraps his hands around your cheeks, giving you one last lingering kiss, before walking away, you can’t help but sit there in the cold, his jacket wrapped around you and letting the tears bite on your skin.

You close your phone, giving Ricky a glowing smile, as you both settle into your seats at the Institute Music Awards. The two of you officially went public earlier today, though you’re both still denying any rumors that you’re dating.

“How does Ricky compare to Eren?”

You try to hide your scoff as you answer, trying your best to stay neutral in your response to avoid becoming a headline the next day.

“I’ll always have so much love for Eren. We grew up together and really came into this hand in hand and no one could ever really take that away. And there’s no bad blood between us, we’ll always be best friends.” you respond, giving them a polite smile as you walk away and swallow hard.

You can see Eren twenty feet down, in a specially designed suit that he looks wonderful in, smiling for the cameras. He’s standing in between Hyla and Myka, since their film is premiering in a few days.

“You look green, doll.”

You turn around to find Sukuna, who you fake punch in the shoulder and glare at, before pulling him in for a hug.

“You sure you’re not talking about yourself? That’s your girl down there.”

“Jesus, Y/N. Don’t ever associate me with her again.” Sukuna mutters, rolling his eyes.

“Oh? Was it not you saying she wasn’t that bad when we were kids?” you tease, poking into the soft of his cheek.

“Well, that was before I found everything out. I’d say a prayer for your boy over there, he’s about to get himself into a gnarly mess he won’t be able to get out of.” Sukuna responds, eyes focused on Eren and Hyla posing together a few feet down.

“What do you mean?” you ask, linking your arm with his as the two of you walk down, past him. You make it a point to attempt to make eye contact with Eren, but he’s too focused on Hyla that he misses you all together.

“I just mean…he’s about to get himself involved in things he shouldn’t. And you should stay far away.” Sukuna states, giving Ricky a polite smile as he joins you at your side. Sukuna gives you one last kiss on the cheek before Ricky links his arm with yours, dragging you to your seats.

You both settle into the seats, giving Marco a big smile as he sits next to you.

“Hey. Where’s Hisu? I saw her name card here earlier but it’s not here anymore.” you whisper, as the lights start dimming ahead.

Marco winces, giving you an awkward smile as he puts his hand over yours and squeezes.

“She doesn’t want to sit with Ricky. Or you.”

“Oh.”

“Just for today, Y/N. Because of the history and all that, you-you know that.”

You shake your head, ignoring the stinging, as you give Marco a half-hearted smile, nodding.

“No yeah. I get it. I’ll talk to her soon.”

“Okay.” Marco responds, giving you a smile.

You make it a point to do your best throughout the awards show, fake whispering in Ricky’s ears every time the camera is on you two, holding hands and comparing hand sizes, letting him tuck your hair behind your ear once and a while.

And it’s all going great and peachy, until Hyla gets called on stage to perform. You crane your neck back to find Sukuna, giving him a warning glance as he rolls his eyes, making the motion that he’s choking himself.

One of the most insane things about Hyla and Sukuna’s beef? The fact that they perform and write songs about each other, that are so insanely written, that they trend for weeks.

You’re sure Hyla and Sukuna are what Danny and Sareen dream about in their free time.

Hyla gets on stage, giving everyone a soft smile as a few of the girls join her on stage, adjusting their microphones. You can feel Ricky squeezing your hand hard, his jaw clenched.

“You good?”

“The lineup. Hyla, Myka, and Lana.” he responds, glaring at the three of them.

You focus your eyes on the third girl, Lana, who is Ricky’s ex-girlfriend. The only reason he wants to fake date you. Apparently, the two of them broke up after you and Ricky started trending, her insecurities about the people’s words overruling any reassurance that Ricky could give her.

“This is my new song, it’s called Girlfriend. I hope you all like it.” Hyla says, giving a smile as the upbeat music starts.

Hey, hey, you, you I don’t like your girlfriend No way, no way I think you need a new one Hey, hey, you, you I could be your girlfriend

You lean back as you observe the visuals and the line of backup dancers supporting the three of them singing, their performance extremely upbeat and punk pop star that you can’t help but tap your feet to the beat of the song.

That’s until they reach the bridge. When Hyla pulls one of the back-up dancers from the background to the front and Lana pulls Eren on stage, the two of them are seated on the makeshift chairs on the stage. Hyla’s singing around Eren, rolling her eyes at the back-up dancer.

Who's wearing the exact outfit that you wear on your tour, a sparkly, billowing pink dress. And when you take her in properly, you realize that she’s supposed to be you. The same hairstyle, eye color, skin tone. You can feel your throat dry as you watch Eren’s cheeks tinted pink on stage as Hyla sings around him, the entire audience erupting into cheers.

(Oh) In a second, you'll be wrapped around my finger 'Cause I can, 'cause I can do it better There's no other, so when's it gonna sink in? She's so stupid, what the hell were you thinkin'?

You feel Marco’s hand on yours, squeezing hard, as you focus in on the performance, trying to ignore the fact that the big, black camera is shining on your face and that everyone in the room is looking at you. And that millions of people must be talking about it at home. You turn back to give Levi a look and he shakes his head, mouthing don’t cry which you halfheartedly nod in response too.

Jean and Armin have switched seats with the two girls behind you, their hands on your shoulders, squeezing, as Eren and Hyla walk off stage, hand in hand past the back up dancer who’s supposed to be you - who's crying fake buckets of tears now.

And when it’s all done and over, you skip the afterparties and let Mikasa drive you home. She tucks you into your sheets, making it a point to help you wipe all your makeup off and leave a bottle of water by your bed, you sink into your sheets and do it again. Let that overwhelming, embarrassing, deep rooted hatred sink in.

And pull up Twitter. Read about how everyone hates you. Relive the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you yet. Stare at pictures of Eren and Hyla and ignore the resounding sound of the applause the two of them received.

next part linked here

taglist:

@k0z3me @kayleegomez @yihona-san06 @bsenpai @sweetenertea @mykyoon @violetmatcha @rebeccawinters @cutiejg @bokutosthings @bookwrmm @mblrrr @wheredidmycrowngo @somethinginyoureyes7 @chilichopsticks @okaystopwhore @you-always-made-me-blush @itzmeme @firelordazulaaaa @whoami-72 @g-ghostly @intimacywithceline @erensmoodygf @cocomellxn @princess-ackerman @jaegerfiles @cacapeepee @squirrelspoetry @rui-0836 @moonmalice @invisible-mori @sofiasberr @bbybeeb @timetobegone @tee4str @ttokki2 @leave-rae-alone @ec3lipsy @officialsimpp @gojojang @yookayyo

pls comment on this post or any of the chapters if you want to be added to the taglist <3

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callsign-joyride · 8 months

Note

For some reason the link to request won’t work on my phone :( . Can I please request a Fall Fluff for Jake for prompt 15 where the reader is the one who is sick ?

Chicken Noodle Soup | Jake "Hangman" Seresin

Summary: Jake worries that you're having second thoughts about the relationship, only to find that the reason you haven't been responding is because you've been sick all day.

Content warnings: Fanboy being a menace, mentions of an illness/virus (NOT COVID-19), fluff

Prompt: 15. Sender lies next to the receiver (who is recovering from injuries or illness) and spoons them while staying awake to make sure their health doesn’t deteriorate overnight.

This was written for my Fluffy Fall Fantasy event. Feel free to send in requests!

Jake was stressed. You hadn’t been dating for very long, and you weren’t technically official, but it was Hard Deck night and you hadn’t responded to his text messages since last night. He was tempted to call you to check in and see if everything was okay, but he didn’t want to seem clingy and obsessive while it was totally possible that you forgot to plug your phone in the night before, or that you left it at home while you were getting ready for work.

“Honestly, man, I was thinking she’d ghost you a lot sooner than this,” Fanboy said as they were getting their things to leave. Jake didn’t even have the energy to react.

“You’re good at relationships, Rooster. Would it be weird if I drove by her house on my way home?”

“I don’t know, man. None of us have ever met her but maybe she’d be okay with it based on what you’ve said about her in passing.”

“Or maybe she doesn’t exist and he wanted to hide the fact that he’s not getting laid.”

“Dude, too far,” Payback said to Fanboy. Jake just shrugged it off and grabbed his bag before heading out to his truck and finding your address in his phone. You lived pretty close to base so it wasn’t a very bad drive at all. Right as he turned down your street, his phone started ringing and your name was on the screen.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to ignore you but I think I’ve got the flu or a common cold or something.”

“Do you want me to bring you medicine? I’m like five minutes from a CVS.”

“No, it’s okay. It’s Hard Deck night. You should be out with your friends. I can go another time. I think I’ll make some soup and go back to sleep.”

“Hard Deck night is a weekly thing and Coyote’s deployed so I kind of don’t want to go anyways. I’d have more fun staying in with you. Plus I’ve got a family recipe of chicken noodle soup and it’ll probably be the best chicken noodle soup you’ll ever have.”

After a moment, you sniffled and said that he could come over and that you’d leave your door unlocked. He walked into your house about an hour after he got off the phone with you with reusable bags on his arms. You were laying on the couch under a blanket while an 80’s movie played on the TV.

“I brought medicine,” he said as he unloaded everything in the kitchen. You peered over the couch and smiled before taking a sip of your Gatorade that was on the coffee table. He came over to sit next to you after getting everything put away. It was almost unbelievable how sick you were, considering that you felt completely fine the day before. Your fever broke earlier in the day but you had been sleeping for most of it, living off of Gatorade and nearly stale crackers that you found in the back of your pantry. You changed the channel to something that you knew he’d like before nuzzling into the pillow that you brought from your bedroom.

“Poor thing. I’m gonna get your soup started. It should take about half an hour, okay? Let me know if you need anything.”

You nodded your head and scrolled through social media before going back to sleep for a little bit. The smell of the soup was what woke you up a little bit later, as Jake walked over and placed your bowl on the table in front of you. He made enough to last you a whole week, and he even offered to send you the recipe if you liked it. He was right, it was the best chicken noodle soup you’d ever had. Ten o’clock rolled around and even though it was considered early for you, you grabbed your pillow and blanket and started heading up the stairs. You were surprised when Jake followed you, considering that you had spent the few hours since you ate barely talking to each other.

“I need to shower,” you said as you got your pajamas out.

“Okay. I’ll wait here.”

He had sent a few texts to the Dagger Squad group chat while you were in the shower, saying that he’d see everyone in the morning but that he had to take care of you. You took a big sip of water before crawling under the covers, Jake following suit.

“What are you doing?” You asked as he wrapped an arm around your middle.

“Staying with you, if that’s okay.”

“What if I get you sick?”

“I’ll take time off. Mav loves me so it’ll be fine. I don’t want anything to happen to you through the night.”

“Oh. Okay. Then yeah, you can stay. But don’t come crying to me if you get the man flu.”

“Trust me, I won’t. My dad taught me and my brothers better than to be dramatic so that a woman will take care of us.”

“That’s good,” you said with a chuckle.

Taglist:

@littlebadariell @cycbaby @luckyladycreator2 @idontcare-11 @blue-aconite @maverick-wingman @shawty-fenty @littlemisstopgun @rosiahills22 @katieshook02 @justanothermagicalsara @caitsymichelle13 @smoothdogsgirl @adoringsebstan @cherrycola27 @alexxavicry @mrsjaderogers @mak-32 @thefandomimagines @tallrock35 @caatheeriinee07 @bradshawseresinbabe @atarmychick007 @3sriracha @genius2050 @halstead-severide-fan @withakindheartx @Lolliepops2501

Taglist form (Google form, email is not asked)

#hangman x reader #jake seresin x reader #jake hangman seresin #x reader #top gun maverick #reader insert #top gun #hangman fluff #callsign joyride's fluffy fall fantasy

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racinggirl · 2 years

Text

safe haven || charles leclerc 16

type: one shot pairing: charles leclerc x reader word count: 1.5k summary: charles taking care of you whilst you're sick at home requested: yes! “Hi :) First of all, I loove your writing! It's immaculate! Saw you're taking requests and I was wondering if you could do one, where reader is sick (the flu or smth?) and Charles (or anyone you want) takes care of them? Like really fluffy? Thank you so much and have a wonderful week :))” (by anon) Yeeees girl, who doesn't want fluff Charles boyfriend??? Requests are OPEN!!! warnings: mentions of being sick, mentions of !covid!, tons and tons of fluff, not proofread! notes: I'm sooooo sorry it took so long! I just had such a big writersblock and I didn't had the motivation to write anything atm. I will try to write more, I promise! Also, I hope you'll love it! I just wrote it in about an hour or so. I lowkey like it, but if you have tips or just things you really like about my writing and want to see more of, just lmk and hmu!

My masterlist

‘’I hate being sick.’’

‘’I know baby, I know, but I’m here okay? I’ll take care of you.’’

Those were the words you needed more than anything at this exact moment, in which you were on the couch in your boyfriends apartment in Monaco, your back leaning against his strong chest, his arms wrapped around you protectively. You felt safe, more than anywhere else in the world, because he was your home, your safe haven.

It all started a few days ago, you weren’t feeling too good after the Hungarian Grand Prix, but you tried to brush it off. Just a cold, at least, that’s what you thought. You made sure to do a COVID-19 test just in case, even though corona wasn’t really a subject people talked about anymore, at least, the illness, not the drink, people loved the drink.

Negative, thankfully, so you weren’t too worried about the fact you might have to go in quarantine. Just a cold, right?

No, things got worse, from a running nose to coughing, as well as stomach pains and headaches. You had the flu, and it was horrible. You never got sick, not even a cold would get you, usually. But right now, you could curse the whole world and space, because you absolutely hated it.

You tried to keep your cool, not wanting your boyfriend to worry about you, he had enough on his mind with the final adjustments before summer break. But he wasn’t one to fool, he knew something was going on.

‘’Baby, are you okay?’’ Charles had noticed you were a little less active when you came back home. Normally you’d drag him out for a walk around the harbour, watching the sunset in the evening, or the sunrise in the early hours. But this time, you’d just head straight to the couch, curling up under the blanket.

‘’Did I put the air-conditioning too high?’’ He frowned the moment you reached for the black fluffy blanket underneath your tv.

‘’No, no, it’s fine.’’ You mumbled, a sneeze and a cough giving away your current state.

‘’Are you sick?’’

‘’…’’

‘’Baby?’’

‘’Yes, I think I am.’’ You mumbled, curling up more underneath the blankets.

Charles smiled weakly, making his way towards the couch as he took a seat next to you, his arms carefully wrapping around your shivering body.

‘’No, I don’t want you to get sick too.’’ You whispered, moving in your boyfriends arms, but you too knew, he was stronger than you, so after just a few seconds of trying to get out of his grip, you gave up, your head resting against his chest as you closed your eyes.

‘’Then we’ll be sick together.’’ He said, placing a kiss on the top of your head.

‘’Charles, I’m serious.’’ You mumbled, removing your head from his chest to look up into his eyes, a sigh escaping your lips.

He simply shrugged his shoulders and pulled you closer, just to give you a peck on your lips. He didn’t care. He wanted to take care of you, because he loved you.

It stayed like that for a few days, you had zero energy, sleeping for almost the entire day, while Charles took care of you, handing you your tea, as well as providing you with the best movies (he picked them).

‘’Babe, you need to go to work.’’ You were on the same position again, under the same blankets – who had been washed twice already by your boyfriend who insisted on washing the blankets everyday to give you a ‘fresh one’ each day – while Charles was making your lemon tea in the kitchen.

‘’They don’t mind if I’m a bit later, it’s summer break anyways.’’ He told you, cutting up the apple slices just the way you liked it.

‘’They do, baby, they want to celebrate their summer break too. I’m fine okay? I’m feeling a little better already.’’ You said, looking at the Monégasque as he walked to the couch, eyes focussed on the tea so it wouldn’t spill, he had filled it to the top.

‘’A little, which doesn’t mean a lot, so I’m now turning on the tv for you and putting on another Harry Potter movie, okay? And I’ll get your sweater in case you get cold and-‘’

‘’Charles!’’ You laughed, a small smile on your lips as you watch your boyfriend ramble on about the things he was going to do for you.

‘’I can do things myself too, you know?’’ You smiled sweetly, his face confused and searching for the right words.

‘’But…’’

‘’No, no buts, you get your ass to work, I’ll be fine, okay?’’ You shot him a reassuring smile, one he knew was sincere.

After a few seconds, he decided to agree, after trying to search for excuses, which you only rejected. He left for work, but told you he’d be home as soon as possible so you two could order food from your favourite restaurant.

He was an angel, he really was. Every morning he would prepare your tea, cut up your fruits because he knew you didn’t like to eat bread in the morning. Everyday he would give you a little more food, knowing you slowly started to gain your appetite again. Every afternoon he would prepare a lunch, as well as a movie the two of you would watch together. He gave you kisses, which you tried to avoid because you did not want him to get sick too. Every evening he would either order or prepare dinner, and prepare a bath for the two of you to enjoy after chilling on the couch the entire day. After that, he would make the bed, turn on the candles in the bedroom, and give you a massage. He was the perfect boyfriend, and you loved him more every second of every day.

As soon as he came home that evening, he did exactly what he said he would. He ordered dinner, cuddled you on the couch, watching the movie you were currently watching, and waited for dinner to arrive.

After dinner he ran upstairs to prepare the bath, spreading rose pedals he bought the other day all over the floor and bath, filling it up with your favourite scented bath gel and candles for the romantic vibe.

‘’You know.’’ You whispered, leaning against his chest, the warmth of the water around you giving you tingles all over your body.

‘’Hmm?’’ Charles hummed, his chin resting on the top of your head, his arms wrapped around your body to pull you close to him, his breath moving some baby hairs on the top of your head.

‘’I think I should be sick more often.’’ You whispered, eyes closing as you felt his chest move, a low chuckle leaving his lips. He smiled, his hands drawing small circles on your stomach, the circles slowly turning into little hearts.

‘’I think you shouldn’t, because you keep avoiding my kisses.’’ He whispered, his breath hitting your temple since you had turned your head to the side, making you able to hear his heartbeat. His heartbeat, which was slow, relaxed, because he had you in his arms.

‘’I’m only doing that because I don’t want you to get sick, but you aren’t really helping.’’ You giggled, your hand moving to his upper leg, nails scratching his skin in the warm water.

‘’I won’t get sick.’’ He smiled, pressing a kiss to your temple. ‘’My immune system is the best.’’ He smirked, in which you rolled your eyes with a smile as a response.

Once you got out of the bath, he made sure to wrap a towel around your body, doing the same for himself afterwards. He smiled at you, that smile that made you feel at home, safe, here with him.

He was about to lean in to press his lips to yours, when he turned away from you, making you frown. But the reason made you laugh, a smirk on your lips. He coughed, a sneeze following afterwards.

‘’That was just a coincidence.’’ He mumbled, but soon after coughed again, making you raise your eyebrow, the smirk still plastered on your face.

‘’You won’t get sick, huh?’’ You smirked, arms crossed in front of your chest as you let out a laugh, watching your boyfriend cough another time.

He looked at you, his towel moving over his face, a groan escaping his lips. He removed the towel, looking at you as he stepped closer, pulling you in his arms.

‘’At least this means I get to kiss you now, because you’ve already infected me.’’ And with that, he pressed his lips to yours, kissing you softly while the candles slowly dimmed. They lasted for at least four evenings.

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watermelonsugacry · 2 years

Text

Building Harry's House: Late Night Talking

A/N: Ok because I'm too excited & impatient, I'm going to start posting my series on how Harry's House was made. Big thanks to my bestie @be-with-me-so-happily for helping me come up with the name for the series!

SUMMARY: Harry gets inspired to write a song about one of his and YN's late night activities. (5.2k)

GENRE: 1dbandmember!yn

SINCE 2010 MASTERLIST // Building Harry's House masterlist

SIDE-NOTE: italicized is voice over commentary (I wrote this kind of like the Behind the Album documentary) bold are things Harry actually said irl

“Son of phff—”

Harry spits out the water from brushing his teeth into the sink before his feet quickly pad over the pink carpet in YN’s bedroom. He finds her leaning against one of the posts that frame her bed as she holds her blue sock covered foot. They're actually his socks and no matter how many times Harry teases her that since it is her house and thus has all of her clothes here, she still manages to steal the ones he brought over.

But can he really complain when she looks so good in every piece of his clothing? Like his Hard N’ Hot t-shirt she��s wearing and how it deliciously bunches up at her hips from her position.

“Wha’ happened?”

“I stubbed m’fooking toe.” YN hisses, throwing her head back with her eyes squeezed shut. “It was my little one too, s’the best one.”

It's been a month since the world came to a screeching halt, making everyone go into lockdown.

Saying that it’s been a drastic change for every human ever is the understatement of the year. For the two of them, it's been quite an adjustment going from working on an album, becoming an official couple, said relationship getting exposed, being the talk of every social media platform, rehearsing for a world tour to just...stopping. Just like the rest of the world, hearing about lockdown was devastating for everyone.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Harry groans into the speaker of his phone. He stands by YN’s front door and rubs a hand over his eyes before ranking his fingers through his hair.

COVID-19 has been spreading at a rapid rate, and to put it lightly, people are panicking. It has been announced that there is going to be a world-wide lockdown, making people stay home in isolation to help slow down the speed of how fast the virus is spreading.

Once their managers told them they also need to go into self-isolation, her and Harry knew that they needed to go back home in the U.K. They both agreed to stay with their own families for the time being and would fly out together to share the last couple of hours with one another before saying goodbye. The news says that they should only be in quarantine for about a month so they wouldn’t be apart for too long (or so they thought).

After a quick meeting with their teams about what they would do about their already planned schedules, the couple rushed to their homes to pack their things to go live with their families for the next couple of weeks.

Once Harry was at her place, he went inside to help her take her bag to his car. The second they’re about to head out of YN’s door, Harry gets a call from Jeff that has them both stopping before getting a foot out of the house.

“What’s wrong?” YN feels anxious from the lack of information being given to her, but from the looks of it, it can’t be anything good. Harry doesn’t answer her, but what he says next leaves her praying that it’s not what she thinks.

“Yeah I understand,” Harry looks to his love's wide eyes. “I’ll tell her. Stay safe, man.”

Harry ends the call and sighs deeply, looking down at his hands as he anxiously (and angrily) twists his phone around.

“Harry...” YN whispers, gently putting a hand to his arm.

“They aren’t letting anyone fly out of the States.” Harry finally says. “We’re stuck here.”

When he sees her eyes well up with tears, Harry fully pulls her into his arms. Her arms are tucked into his chest and he rests his cheek on top of her head. Her sobs are muffled, quiet, but they’re loud enough to break anyone’s heart. They stay like this for a little while but to them it seemed like hours.

Once she’s calmed down, she looks up at her boyfriend with her eyes sill freshly glossy and her cheeks pink.

“This is getting kinda scary.” YN whispers to him. Harry brings a hand to her cheek in hopes to give her some comfort. He’s beyond pissed about this whole situation, but right now he needs to figure out their next steps.

“As long as we keep inside we’ll be okay.”

“And together.” YN adds, bringing a smile to his face.

“Together.” He repeats with a kiss on her nose to seal the promise.

“We can stay here at my place if you want? I mean we’re already here and you have your stuff in your car?” She suggests.

They’ve lived together before while on tour and slept over at each other’s houses for a couple days in the past, but it’s going to be as if they are actually living together. This both excites and terrifies her, but who better to spend this time together than with the one she loves?

“Ok,” Harry agrees, his smile growing wider. “Roomie.”

Both of them chuckle at this. Maybe lockdown won’t be so bad after all.

“Stop laughing at me.” YN whines, still clinging onto her foot.

“Aw, my poor baby.” Harry playful pouts before a chuckle tumbles past his lips.

“Think I need to go to the doctor, H. S’pretty bad.”

“Oh yeah?” He humors her. Harry tucks his arms under her legs and back before carrying her the rest of the way to her side of the bed. He peels the sock from her foot and takes a look at her little toe. It's only a little pink and doesn’t look like it’s going to swell up or anything.

“How’s it looking, doc?”

“Well, in my professional opinion,” Harry rests his hand by her head, hovering over her while he still stands next to the bed. “There’s two options. The first is that we may need to amputate.”

“I was afraid of that.” Harry’s trying his hardest to bite back a laugh at her serious demeanor, her hands resting below her chest like a patient. “Wha’s the second option?”

“Lots and lots of cuddles.”

“Mhmm. Just chop it off already.” YN dramatically puts a hand over her forehead and looks away from him. She lets out a giggle when he pitches the skin on her side from his shirt riding up. Harry leans down to press his smiley lips to hers, loving the way their playfully scenario has made her happy again.

“Brat.” He says against her, giving her one final kiss before pulling away to turn off the light switch on the wall beside him. He jumps over her to get himself to the left side of the bed and snuggles under her white duvet with her.

“First, I burned the meat to go with our spaghetti the other night for dinner. Then I dropped and broke my new camera this morning,” YN says as she lists everything off of her fingers. She points the finger used for counting to him. “The second one was totally your fault, might I add.”

"I thought you heard me come into the room." He defends as he brings her closer to his chest.

"When you put your arms around me like that—like this—it's hostile."

"S'romantic."

"It scared me enough to drop my pretty camera." She gives him a pointed look but her actions speak differently when she tangles their legs together. "And now I injured my foot."

"Baby, you stubbed your toe, not y'foot. And second, I'll buy you another camera. I'll order you as many as you want, okay?"

He links his pinky to her extended one between them and they both kiss their thumbs before pressing them together.

"Okay, but here's something I realized before I had my traumatic toe injury." Harry playfully rolls his eyes but he gets comfy on his side. He tucks his right arm under his head while still having an arm around her waist as he gives her his full attention. "So, scientists are the ones to give the names to animals, right? But do the animals know that? Like do grasshoppers even know that they're called grasshoppers? What if they're called something else entirely and we just..."

Harry's eyes go all around the different parts of her face: her eyes, her nose, her lips. If he wants to, he can simply reach out and have his finger follow the curve of her face. There's no barrier from their phone screen or her voice having a static filter to it as she goes on one of her late night rambles.

It's moments like these where he realizes that she's here, physically lying next to him in a bed. It's not like they haven't done this before, they've laid like this more times than either one could possibly count.

But what's different this time, what fills his heart so much it might explode, what releases the hundreds upon hundreds of butterflies in his stomach is that she's his. No questions asked, officially and indefinitely his.

There’s a comfort in knowing that he can run his hand softly up and down her back without the fear of knowing he won’t be able to do it again for a while after they break up. Or press a quick kiss to her lips in the middle of her sentence and say, “Sorry, you were saying?” without wondering when will be the next time she’ll ever smile like that to him.

And as much as he loves to be private, there's some part inside of him that's relieved the world knows (a very tiny piece of him). There doesn't need to be that much hiding anymore or dodge questions in interviews by claiming they're just really close friends.

Everyone knows that she's his and that he is hers and that feels so much more relieving than he ever imagined. Of course he's not going to go on and on about their romantic history and everything that it entails to social media outlets, but oh to know that he can finally scream it to the roof tops that he's head over heels, undeniably, stupidly and completely in love with his best friend.

Ever since he’s known her, he always said to himself that if she wasn’t by his side, wasn’t on stage with him, performing and singing to thousands of fans every night, he doesn’t want it. He’s realizing now that if she isn’t here next to him, away from the spotlights, and talking about literally anything until she falls asleep for the rest of his life, he simply can’t live.

...

"And if we can have those boxes be put over there, please. Appreciate you, man." Kid Harpoon nods over to the movers as they bring in some more recording equipment into the Shangri-La studios in Malibu. The same house/recording studio that was used for the making of Harry’s last record.

Everyone on the production team was beginning to pile into the house, getting settled in and readying themselves to make some music. The team hasn’t changed from making his last record: Kid and Tyler as his producers, Sammy Witte as his engineer and composer, and of course, Mitch as his musician. This has been his core team since the beginning of his solo career but it’s hard to miss one of the most important members of the production crew.

As Mitch takes out some of his guitars from their cases to put them on a rack, he sees Harry sitting slouched on one of the sofas, staring off into something on the ground in front of him. He’s been way more quiet than usual and that instantly raises some suspicion.

“Alright, what’s up man?”

“What do yeh mean?” Harry picks at the skin by his nails but quickly stops, a nasty habit that YN has been trying to break from him.

“You know what I mean. Kinda hate to point out the elephant in the room but y’don’t seem as excited to start the album like you did the other day. Did something happen, man?” Mitch gasps. “Wait, did you and YN break up again? Oh, dude. M’so sorry—”

“No, no.” Harry lets out a chuckle and turns to face his friend who goes to take the seat next to him. “It isn’t YN. Well, I guess it is actually but not in the way y’think. Not to jinx it or anythin’ but we’ve been really good lately, great even.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“S’just, she won’t be coming in until tomorrow and, and it’s the first time we’re apart for a while as of late. So I...I dunno. I just kinda miss her. Ugh, y’know, if YN were here she would call me a sap for saying something like that. See!” Harry groans into his hands but Mitch all but teases him.

He’s been more of a witness than anyone when it comes to the back and forth that the two endured over the past couple of years. Mitch saw first hand how depressed Harry would get when the two weren’t together or be blinded by how bright Harry’s smile would get when she was with him. His friends have gone through so much turmoil, so many ups and downs that it’d make anyone dizzy and give up on ever finding love again. So it warms the guitarist’s heart to finally see that despite the odds, YN and Harry were stronger than they’ve ever been before.

“Like, s’the first time we're actually together together making an album; there's no in betweens or what if’s, nothing. S'like, I want to ask her to marry me one day. I’ve always known I wanted to, since I was sixteen actually. She’s been on my mind since forever and being physically apart right now just...”

“Sucks.” Mitch continues when seeing his friend try to find the right word.

“Yeah.” Harry sheepishly admits. “It fucking sucks.”

“Well,” Mitch sighs, pushing his long hair out of his face. “You already know what YN would tell you if she were here.”

It takes a second for Harry to rack his brain for the answer (her teasing him was his initial thought) but once he knows, he’s quickly calling Kid into the room and for him to bring his Casio keyboard.

“Working on this album was so different from any album we’ve done because of how much time we spent on it.” Harry pinches his bottom lip between his fingers. When he moves his hands, the sound of his chucky rings hitting together can be heard. “Instead of renting out a studio for two months to make an album, the record was actually made in the span of, what, a year and half? Almost two years.”

A couple of hours go by and the song’s lyrics are complete. As they all take a break and eat at the dining room table, Harry has to admit that while writing did help lift his mood a bit, it did also just make him miss her ten times more.

Mitch thinks Harry looks like a puppy when he perks up at the sound of a car door closing shut, eyes wide in excitement as he runs to the front door and whips it open.

YN sets down one of her guitar cases on the pavement and closes her car door. When she meets her love's eyes, her beautiful smile coming out just at the sight of him, he's an absolute goner.

"Baby!"

Bare foot, he quickly makes his way down the front steps, down the driveway and practically throws himself against her. Her laughs are muffled into his collarbones as his arms wrap around the tops of her shoulders.

"Baby, m'baby s'here." He mumbles into her cheek, pressing his lips to her temple. He feels like he may just burst out in tears by having her back into his arms again. It's the first time in months since they've been apart for more than 24 hours and it's embarrassing how much he's missed her.

"V’only been gone for two days, H.” She teases, but wraps her arms around his middle just as tight.

“S’too long. Now gimme my kisses.”

YN complies in an instant but she giggles against his lips, “Y’tickling me.”

She runs her thumb over his top lip and smiles when he playfully nips at her finger.

Her boyfriend has been experimenting more and more with growing out his mustache ever since quarantine began. When he first grew out his mustache a couple of years ago, she honestly thought he looked hot but was absolutely heartbroken when he shaved it. He did it for two reasons: one, he didn’t like how red and irritated her inner thighs got the day after kissing her there (even though she kept claiming how good it felt) and two, she couldn’t stop giggling every time they kissed. So much so that he would have to pull away with a roll of his eyes while she would still be giggling, trying to pull his head back to her with no avail.

He playfully groans at her and smushes his face in the crook of her neck. It only makes her laugh more when he moves his lips, being even more ticklish there. “M’gonna shave it.”

“Don’t. If yeh do m’leaving. S’hot.” YN gives him a wink, making him smirk. She pats the side of his bum and she wiggles away from his hold on her. “Now come on, help me get m’stuff inside.”

One of the camera crew men holds up a clapperboard between the camera and where YN sits in her interview chair.

"Ready? Marker!" He slaps the top down and YN pulls her finger away as if he pinched it in between the device. She shakes her hand out with a silent "ouch," before smiling at the camera.

"Album three, baby. Dunno why I keep getting invited back to be honest. M'bit annoying really." YN scrunches up her nose. "No but in all seriousness, m’very grateful to be brought back to work on another album with m’best friend. I really love this team, we're all kinda like family at this point. It's a good bunch for sure."

"YN!" The production team yells from their seats at the table when they see her walk through the door, Harry trailing behind her with her guitar case and bag. Some of the guys even bang on the table, shaking all the snack bowls and drinks, and Jeff taps a fork to his beer bottle.

"Speech! Speech!"

"Oh fuck off." She laughs before going around the table to give everyone hugs. Aside from working with the boys from when they were all in the band, this group of guys here are some of the most chill out and hard-working people she’s ever known. They’re all so welcoming and easy going that it feels that she doesn’t even have to put up a front. Not to mention how grateful she is of the technical producers, taking her under their wings and going out of their way to show her what other production skills she wanted to learn.

After giving a last hug to Mitch, Harry pulls her to him, her back pressed to his chest as he wraps his arms around the tops of her shoulders.

"Wait, hang on. Hold the phone. Is this the first time in album making history that the Love Birds are actually—" Jeff gasps dramatically, putting a hand on Mitch’s shoulder. "—an official couple?"

Even though the two laugh along with everyone else and Harry reaches out to throw a pretzel at his manager.

"I mean, the answer was pretty obvious from that song from earlier." Tyler laughs before taking a bite out of his sandwich.

“What song?” YN questions and watches the group freeze as they look at Harry. She furrows her eyebrows suspiciously and turns her head as best she can to look at her love. He quickly smiles at her but she was able to catch his pointed look to the team.

Harry wanted to wait to have her listen to the song he wrote earlier, he didn’t want to embarrass himself with a love song right out the gate on their first day. He can’t hold it back any longer now that the cat's already out of the bag. Especially when she’s looking up at him in the way that she is.

He gives her a sheepish smile. “Well, we—”

“You.” Kid smirks behind the rim of his glass.

“I kinda wrote a little something today.”

“Yeah, a little love song.” Mitch adds.

“Alright.” Harry groans but YN’s laughter softens the blow.

Jeff then goes on to tell the group about how he, too, has dabbled in that art of writing love songs for his girlfriend and that makes everyone call him out on it.

“Why are y’so shy about showing me the song?” She whispers while the group taunts Jeff, her hands resting on his forearms by her collarbones.

“I dunno.” Harry shrugs bashfully, already knowing the answer. He can already feel the heat rising to his cheeks and hopes that it isn't too noticeable. “Guess I’ve always been like that.”

His eyebrows shoot up in fondness when he feels her give a peck to the jaw. “S’okay, I think s’hot when you write songs about me.”

And that’s all it takes for him to put his ego aside and build up enough courage to show her the song. It’s not long before Kid brings out his Casio Piano to the table and begins to play the ballad melody from earlier that day. It’s slow and beautiful and even though Harry hasn’t sung anything yet, she feels overwhelmingly happy she might cry from her spot across the table.

Things haven't been quite the same

There's a haze on the horizon, babe

It's only been a couple of days and I miss you

Mmm, yeah

No matter how many times Harry has written love songs about YN, he still gets so nervous to show them to her. Even though the couple feels more secure than they've ever been before, he feels like a school boy, anxiously hoping his declaration of love for his crush will be reciprocated.

Nothing really goes to plan

You stub your toe or break your camera

YN lets out a huffed laugh through her nose at the line, knowing all too well of that night.

I'll do everything I can to help you through

As Harry continues to sing, she realizes that this is in fact the third time he's made a song about her for one of his albums. For the past 5 years, helping make songs about her—both about his love and about his hurts—was a painful process in the end. When making songs like Sweet Creature and Adore You, at the time it reminded her that they had so many complications between them, so many unspoken feelings that it just made making the albums wish she could hide away from the world with him without its watchful eyes.

But now that the couple has not only officially but a label on things but the world learning about it too soon after, making this record is already beginning with a sense of relief and calmness she'd never thought she would feel. It's odd and feels illegal to be this relaxed, but it's a spot she wants to lay and soak in forever.

We've been doing all this late night talking

'Bout anything you wanna 'til the morning

Now you're in my life

I can't get you off my mind

Everyone migrates over to the large living room with all the recording equipment. They sit on the red, bohemian rugs as they prepare to do another run-through of the song. YN is sitting crisscrossed with Harry’s head in her lap as he holds his notebook with his scribbled lyrics in his hands.

Kid cracks his knuckles before counting him in, “Ready? 1, 2, 3, and—” But when he presses down the electric keyboard, it doesn’t sound like a classical piano like it did before, but an echoy, almost creepy, sound effect instead. It has the room bursting into a fit of laughter as everyone was completely caught off guard.

"What the hell was that?" YN giggles as she rubs away the tears from her eyes.

Kid comically begins to do the melody of Late Night Talking with the echoey setting just to be funny. After everyone has calmed down a bit, Harry points a finger at the producer.

“Hey, can we actually add that? Like, can you do a dun-dun, dun-dun...” Harry moves his fingers while scatting a new melody. When Kid picks up the melody, Mitch does an experimentally kick in with the drums to start the song.

“This song actually started out as more of a ballad than what it is now.” Harry begins to chuckle at the memory. “The little, funky piano bit is what kind of made me fall in love with the song even more so I wanted to add more of that. It has more of an up-beat, groovy vibe to it that I really like. Like, that bass line—" Harry blows out a huff of air. "—s'just really wicked.”

As the song continues to progress into the night, YN has on big studio headphones as she picks and plucks at the strings of her bass guitar to the beat of Mitch’s recorded drums.

I never been a fan of change

But I'd follow you to any place

If it's Hollywood or Bishopsgate, I'm coming too

She grooves with the beat of the song and after she hears Harry's last line, she slides her fingers down the neck of the instrument.

While the majority of the team has fallen asleep around the studio space from their busy day, her, Kid and Harry keep on adding some finishing touches to the song (although Kid looks like he might knock out any minute).

“Part of my job as a vocal producer is to really make sure that every harmony sounds good and cohesive with one another. And we all know I’m absolutely obsessed with harmonies so it’s always so fun to arrange ‘em.” YN explains from her spot in front of the huge studio console. Mike, the videographer who’s been capturing the making of each of Harry’s albums these past couple of years, sits on the chair next to hers as she shows the camera her work so far.

She points to the screen above the panel as she scrolls down to showcase all of Harry’s recorded vocals.

“So here at the pre-chorus, we have a couple of H's stacked vocals on baby.” She taps the space bar on the keyboard to sound off the isolated vocals.

If you're feeling down

I just wanna make you happier, baby

Wish I was around

I just wanna make you happier, baby

“And then if we go further down to the last line of the chorus, I tweaked one of his lower notes down a few octaves so we get a nice, yummy, harmony.”

I can't get you off my mind

“And then one of my favorite bits is over here in the post-chorus—” YN moves the mouse cursor on the screen to point out the jagged lines. “—with Mitch’s little guitar action where he matches the melody so nicely.” YN makes sure to click on Mitch’s isolated instrumental file to play with the vocals.

Can't get you off my mind

Can't get you off my mind (can't get you off my mind)

I won't even try (I won't even try)

To get you off my mind (get you off my mind)

“I mean, a lot of this stuff kinda goes by unnoticed in the end, but at least we know it’s there.” YN huffs out a laugh through chewing her gum, her eyes focused on the computer screen as she types away on the keyboard. “S’my too much gene coming out but who’s gonna stop me?”

All while she’s been explaining her work, Harry sits on the chair on her opposite side with a fond smile on his lips. It’s times like these where he gets happy from watching her be passionate about the things she likes, the things she geeks out about and just increasingly gets more excited as she speaks.

Harry’s dimples dig into his cheeks as he looks down at his fingers twisting around his rings. “The team and I got there early, and we wrote 'Late Night Talking.' I think by doing that, we just got to make the whole rest of the album being like: 'We have that.' And I felt that that just opened up a gateway for the rest of the record."

By the time it hits three in the morning, the couple retires to their shared room in the Malibu home. YN shuffles her feet into the room she inhabited the last time they were here to make Fine Line. Harry watches from the doorway as she plops herself face down on the bed.

It’s an odd feeling to finally be officially sharing a room with her when it comes to the making of his album.

Instead of escorting her to the room and leaving her with a promise of seeing each other again in the morning, he steps into the room and closes the door behind him.

Instead of wondering if there’s a possibility for a good night kiss, when he walks up to her side, she turns her head to face him, and he pushes her hair behind her ear, he doesn’t hesitate to peck a kiss to her squished lips.

And instead of hugging his pillow to dream that it’s her laying next to him, he actually wraps his arms around her figure once her head hits the pillow next to his.

He wishes he can say that he’s still annoyed she steals and wears his clothes to sleep in, but he’d only be lying to himself to say that she didn’t look absolutely divine in his Rolling Stone t-shirt.

“Hey so what’s the weirdest dream you’ve ever had?” She begins before his eyes can flutter close in slumber. “Mine was that y’know that thing where if you make a speech in front of a crowd you can imagine them all in their undies? Well, everyone was! And like I was so confused but I also felt the need to dress down like them, yeh know, to not make ‘em feel uncomfortable and or anythin’.”

“Of course.” Harry furrows his eyebrows as he nods his head, tucking his lips in to keep a smile from growing.

“And so I was tryin’ to discreetly reach for my zipper in the back of my costume but I couldn’t reach it.”

“Right.”

“But then I remembered that my outfit was that flammable material like the ones magicians use when they light that weird paper on fire.”

"For sure."

"And then I was like—ok now you're just making fun of me. That's it. Fine, whatever. I don't even care. I'll just keep all of this stuff to myself—" YN starts to turn around so her back is to a laughing Harry.

“No, no. M’sorry baby. Come back.” He says in between giggles as he pulls her back to face him and presses her up against his chest with ease. “Tell me more.”

“No, s’stupid.” YN pouts as she knuckles her sleepy eyes, trying to keep her playful, angry attitude.

Harry can’t stop himself from planting a kiss to her jutted out bottom lip and butterflies fly around his tummy when she smiles at the action. She snuggles further into him and he glady tightens his hold around her.

“S’not stupid. Come on, baby. What happened next?”

Next Song Here! 🍣

Taglist:

@wobblymug @be-with-me-so-happily @ashtongivesmebutterflies @kiwiskiwiskiwi @darlingdesire @obsesseddd @hopefulwastelandcreation @cacapeepee @breezie-b00 @harrysfolklore @theekyliepage @sunshinemoonsposts @nervousspiderling @tbslonelyhes @tenaciousperfectionunknown @harrystylesrecs @certified-nalayak @itsjustsel @iknowyouthinkimbulletproof @gviosca @behindmygreyeyes @twobluejeans @allisonxmcu @theemeraldbutterfly @jean-love @marvellover-sam @b-reads-things @theekyliepage @reveriehs @rach2602 @thurhomish

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kirby-the-gorb · 4 months

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reply roundup!

had to put these on hold for a while for personal reasons </3 they're likely to still be infrequent, but in honor of kirb2k!

(my notes would only load back to mid september so I missed a couple weeks sorry :c but be warned that this is a long one! it's 3 entire months' worth!)

also, reminder that kirb2k ends tomorrow!!! preorders, commissions, and auctions will all close at noon pst on sunday december 17th! everything is linked in the pinned post or filed under the tag kirb2k!

first is one more birthday kirb from my friend @sleepy-sheep-wizard:

Realized halfway thru that I don’t know what Kirby looks like off the top of my head, so I got funky with it. Happy birthday, thank you for being a good friend

thank you again friend <3 getting funky with it is truly in the spirit of just drawing a little guy for fun, I love his little hat in particular.

on [mirror] @shapeshifterwithafez said: uuuh is Scherben bringen Glück/ Shards bring luck a universal saying? sounfs clinky as a direct translation. anyways in germany we say that shards of stuff you broke brings luck so I hope the luck finds you or smth sorry for rambling ^^

I'd never heard this saying before, but I think it's very sweet! thank you for sharing it with me :)

on [pipefight] @hauntedppgpaints said: goalies with a skate blade and their stick in hand

big hockey vibes for real yeah lol

on [pink] @gaydiation-poisoning said: ...I wanna eat that pink

honestly same, it's sooo pleasing

on [rain] @hive-heart said: Everything alright, daily kirby guy?

not really but sitting by the window in the rain is a good thing lol thanks for asking <3

(also the person who tagged that same post myhouse.wad made me laugh)

on [photo] @ceylonsilvergirl [added] a picture of their cat and said: get adored idiot!! see the hate in her eyes? I’ll make her love me yet!!

me @ my partner's cat

@violet-dragongirl said: oh! I have been meaning to ask! Have you played Kirby and The Forgotten Lands? I assume you did but just wanted to say that I did about a week ago and I loved it and thought of your art! ^.^ And if you haven't, yes, Carby is super adorable and amazing :3

I have! I got it very shortly after it came out, I had a really good time with it. I've been slowly replaying it recently with my partner, they were kind of fond of kirby just by proxy but since we started playing they adore bandee now and say he never gets enough screen time XD I'm glad you also had fun!

on [mice] @ceylonsilvergirl said: girls like swarms of things, right?

idk bro my wife wasn't so big on it when I got a gig housing 30 mice, but maybe she's weird. I liked them. (sadly one of the best paying jobs I've ever had up until the owner lost it and abandoned them with me, yes I still took care of them for the rest of their little lives) (and yes I also got my wife's okay before I took them on in the first place)

on [covid] @mordantivore said: reading posts from when the era of covid safety was declared anathema and ended is haunting. we were so desperate to find ppl willing to help us stay alive. there are fewer of us now bc “allies” are worthless & more of us have died

yeah. fuck. I'm lucky that the people in closest proximity to me are at least moderately careful, but me and my wife and partner are usually the only ones wearing masks anywhere we go except sometimes the employees and I know they don't always wear them when they're out without me.

on [swim] @northeasternwind said: Jdjdjfkg imagining Kirby being way more bouyant than your average human so them gotta exhale REAL HARD or attach nega-floaties (sinkies?) like weights to dive

lol yeah they probably gotta try So Hard to actually get under the water. (I think diving weights/ballast is a thing that humans use too? I've never gone diving, having my face underwater stresses me out -n- )

on [float] @nickiemoot said: he has to go now. his planet needs him. *slide whistle*

I can only hear this as that one similar part from one of the asdfmovies, it delights me

@vampiricarus said: if you see this just know i love your art so much

aww thank you! <3

anonymous said: just wanted to say I love Kirby and I love your art! I’m always excited to see it on my dash. thank you for bringing a little joy to my life :) I need it once in a while like I’m sure a lot of others do too! Keep up the good work :))

thank you! drawing a little guy brings me a little joy too, I'm glad it can do the same for others <3

on [drain] @ceylonsilvergirl said: I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. Existing is hard work sometimes. A lot of the time

fuck dude it sure is <3 especially when my body keeps trying to shut down lol

on [mud] @why-are-all-the-fun-urls-taken said: Hey man are u doing ok

I am not, thanks for asking <3

on [tummyache] @hobgirl said: :o kirby the gorb why would you do that!!!!! why!!!!!

I didn't want it to go to waste!!! everyone is dumb sometimes!!!

on [wizard] @eau-the-agony said: not enough appreciation in the wizarding world for garlic salt spell. its all kung pow penis tgis and ketamine ape that. not enough of the small joys which carry us through the horrors like a dinky garbage raft

you are so right. the small joys are the most powerful of all.

on [wizard] @beepbeepdespair said: somehow didnt know garlic salt was a thing until this moment. now i really want some. i think i just found a kg of it online for 12 quid??

I am so pleased that you now have the knowledge of Garlic Salt Spell, I hope you got to try it out for yourself :D

on [zelda] @chaos-squared said: Good job!! I’ve had it for longer yet still haven’t completed it ;w;

nothing wrong with that! I only finished it as quickly and thoroughly as I did because I was basically bedridden for all of october, as long as you enjoy the time you do spend with a game it doesn't really matter how much time you spend or how far you get.

on [brave] @gudetamalover said: me tomorrow afternoon when I get all four wisdom teeth out

I'd already had several other oral surgeries on account of Weird Teeth before I got my wisdom teeth out but it still knocked me on my ass for a couple days, I hope your recovery went as smooth as possible! (altho that was also like. 15 years ago. and general anesthesia has gotten a lot better since then.)

on [shiny] @angst-and-fajitas said: Like to slap his bald head reblog to slap his bald head

bald! bald! bald! bald!

on [powerwash] @chronicdilf said: decemberb 16 im goign to walk across the damn stage get my damn diploma folder im going to go home and POWERWASHER SIMULATOR JUST LIKE KIRBY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah!!! you're gonna do it!!! you might be doing it right now even!!!

on [cooked] @hobgirl said: oh mood kirby..... struggling with the very last paper i need to write before i can graduate and its got me feeling this way fr

ough, I hope you made it through your paper! lots of people graduating tho that's so cool, congrats to both of you!

on [bears] @jupiterlandings said: I get so happy every time I see Cake and the name Cake being tagged :)

it's such a good name for a bear, I'm grateful you thought of it!! especially given the best I could do for the other one was "kirbear" lol

@violet-dragongirl said: omg seeing that Fav Grobs Post you recently put up makes me so happy! over a thousand (and then some!) GORBS?! :D I'm not only impressed but so proud ya made it this far and I'm so glad you got possibly more to go of Kirby!! :D!! Really great job 🥰🥰

thank you! I'm gonna hit 2000 days of drawing kirby tomorrow, that's so wild!

on [popular] @timeturner-jay said: Op your Kirby art brings so much utter joy you have no idea <3

yay I'm glad <3 I love to draw a little guy, it's good I'm not the only one having fun lol

I got a lot of "good blaze op" on the [macarena], and you're all correct, thank you for recognizing my great decision making B) (I'd been meaning to add the music and blaze it from basically the moment I drew it, I've just been really sick so it took a while.)

(also even if I don't always gather them in the roundup there are names I recognize showing up repeatedly in the tags, some of whom have been here for years, and I'm always glad to see you're still around!)

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torrtimandi · 3 months

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Just some random late night thoughts. A bit angsty too, though.

Pairing: Gaspard and Xavier

Word count: 1089

“I miss you so much, darling.” Xavier whispered into the air of his empty apartment, the words soft and vulnerable, without the response that Xavier so desperately craved. After all, he wasn’t on the phone with anyone, neither calling nor video chatting. He was alone at his place and he was in fucking Sweden.

With a deep sigh, Xavier grabbed his cup of hot tea and sat down in his spacious living room, only the silence answering his hushed words. He looked down at his phone on the table, his searching gaze hoping to see a coming notification from one certain person. But deep inside he knew it was just pointless. In the end, the one he wanted to contact him the most remained almost silent and would probably do so for a long time to come… And I deserve it, don’t I?

Xavier took a sip of the hot tea and slowly rubbed the bridge of his nose, his annoying hangover, the result of the previous night, only adding to his guilt and regret that took over his body, making him even more anxious. Yeah, he fucking derserved it indeed. After all, he was just one fucking idiot to decide that it was better to leave his partner, his bandmate, his love, all alone back in Paris, just because he wanted to flee fucking covid restrictions.

Sure, at first Xavier was quite angry and full of pride. After all, he’d owned this Swedish apartment for a long while and he’d mentioned the possibility of escaping here quite a few times. He’d always liked Stockholm and had visited it many times with Gaspard, so when it turned out that there were almost no pandemic restrictions in Sweden, it was obvious that he’d prefer to escape here, and obviously with Gaspard too. But Gaspard had said no.

They’d argued about some trivial shit and Gaspard had firmly stated that he felt good in Paris, even with its rigorous restrictions. It was their city, he had everything he needed there, and there was no way he was going to leave for Sweden, especially when he was working on his solo stuff. Of course, Xavier, as stubborn and controlling as he could be, hadn’t listened and had given Gaspard a dumb ultimatum. “Oh, really? Well, I guess I’ll fucking go just alone! Watch me”, thinking that maybe Gaspard would agree then, but he still didn't. So Xavier really did escape. After all, his pride wouldn’t have let him retreat back now...

And that’s how he ended up alone in Stockholm, soon unpacking his things with a stubborn spite, but his heart not being in it anymore. The same heart that felt as cold as the Scandinavian morning when Gaspard sent him only a short text message to know if he had arrived safely. Xavier just swallowed hard, his fingers almost itching to call his partner, so eager, already so desperate to hear his lovely, soothing, deliciously soft voice. But no, pride was still greater and he only replied with another few words message instead of just calling him, which is what they would do under normal circumstances. Ouch, that fucking stung, huh?

But fuck pride. Now, after days of trying to convince himself that he was living such a great, free life by going to bars and getting drunk all by himself, he finally stopped fooling himself and accepted that he’d made a fucking mistake. After all, what was fun in all of it when his true love was fucking thousands kilometers away, so far away from his touch, sight and voice?

It hadn’t even been a week and he already missed him. Xavier so unbearably missed Gaspard, his bandmate, his best friend, his love, the one who knew all of his secrets and the one that he always goofed around with. The one he wanted to wake up next to every morning and talk to every day. He was Xavier’s day and night. His sun and moon. His hope and smile. And he just missed him and his silly doodles and pure excitement when he talked about yet another obscure song or a comic. He missed the softness of the curls under his fingertips and the comforting touch of his big hand holding his middle. The shared warmth under the covers and the cuddles on the couch in the middle of the day, and so, so, so much more that he could take long hours to talk about.

Xavier simply missed Gaspard and all of that he brought into his life, which was unspeakably a lot.

Still, the rational part of his mind knew that some break would do good for them too. After all, everyone needed the room for the individual and it’d allow them to think more about themselves as those individuals indeed, while addressing the things that really differed them as well. Solitude forces one to introspect and discover one’s own personality in plenty of ways and everyone needs those once in a while to be truly in touch with their own self… But to embark on a journey of self-discovery, you usually need to be somewhat at peace with yourself, and Xavier needed to talk to Gaspard first in order to be just that.

Suddenly, Xavier put down the cup and grabbed his phone to make a quick call to Gaspard before he could even think about it and cowardly back out. He waited a moment or two until he just closed his eyes in relief and comfort as the soft voice answered a simple; “Xavier.”

His heart sped up and a warm cloud seemed to embrace him as dozens of possible matters, simple ones and not so simple, came to his mind that he wanted to share with his love. However, all of it could wait because, first, he needed to voice the most important. The words that he was never tired of voicing.

“First of all, I just wanted to tell you that I love you.” Xavier murmured with a voice that seemed to contain regret, guilt, but also his devotion and clear affection and love. And then, he slowly just laid down on his couch while getting lost in the sound of his reciprocating, forgiving lover, as even bigger relief and warmth spread across his body. In the end, maybe he was far away from Gaspard, which still sucked and they had a lot to discuss, but as long as he was able to share his affection, his love… Things were really far from bad.

#this is really just some unedited babbling #but i guess this is what my tumblr is just for sorry #the swedish angst been in my mind for a long while and it probably deserves a much better and more organized take but like yeah #just late night thoughts and needed to get some things out of the system i guess #justice #justice band #justice slash #my fanfiction #fanfic #writing #my writing

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hopelessrromantix · 1 year

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where i've been

TLDR: Life sucks and so does the government. Half my family got hit with some pricey medical bills plus our normal rent, so donating or sharing this would be beyond appreciated.

I know you’re all thinking “Roman! You haven’t written anything in a month, what’s going on?” First, valid question. Second, dear GOD where do I start.

Let’s keep things simple. This past month has been the literal definition of hell for me. Everything started off fairly normal, until my two remaining grandparents started having frequent hospital trips. My father spent most of his time caring for them, living mostly at their house. Given that he works most in our house, he wasn’t having an easy time. He ended up developing what his doctor said was “stress tremors”, to the point that he went on disability.

Well, even after my grandparents were a bit more stable (though still on close watch)... they continued anyway. Eventually it got so bad my mother drove him to the hospital one night and what do you know, brain tumor.

Queue several days of our family wondering what the everloving fuck we’d do without my Dad. It was several days of my dear mother (note the sarcasm) trying to control everything, my brother trying to continue school, and me taking care of the house and our pets.

We got the scans back not long after and, cue sigh of relief, the tumor was benign. It still seemed to be draining the life out of my father, though. The nurses and doctors were absolutely floored because his tumor was absolutely huge but he had no headaches. Imagine a baseball in your head. Yeah, exactly. He did however stare at the wall for hours and had a hard time getting out more than a few words. It’s probably one of my most heartbreaking memories to watch the strongest person I’ve ever known reduced to a husk on a hospital bed.

Brain surgery came soon after. He made it through and is currently in recovery. He’s speaking actual sentences, though he’s still got tremors and needs a lot of help. Still, I’m just happy to have my father.

That same week, we noticed my cat acting off. We have two of them and my cat, Gallifrey, is a talkative sweetheart who’s attached to me at the hip. But he was meowing differently and acting weird and all around not normal. One vet visit later and we find out he has kidney disease and pancreatitis. He’s being treated for it (new food, possible meds, regular fluid injections, etc.), but he’s still not himself yet. Talk about my life falling apart. This on its own my family couldn’t even begin to afford. The government seems to hate disabled people and paying for numerous doctor’s visits wasn’t remotely in our paper thin budget, much less the meds and treatment.

It was a lot all at once, and not even close to what we expected. Gallifrey is only 7 and my father didn’t show the typical signs of a brain tumor. So, I guess the universe thought “Y’know, this is a perfect time to kick Roman in the fucking balls”.

Routine testosterone blood test, just monitoring… until I got a call from the doctor. Turns out I have some untreated issues that none of my previous doctors caught. In fact, the only reason she caught it was because it was so severe. According to her she was shocked I’m still up and kicking and not in the hospital for a blood transfusion. Apparently my red blood cell count and oxygen level is insanely low, and she asked me to take a Covid test (negative), so it turns out it’s a completely different issue. I’m still in the process of diagnosing it, so that was a fun little addition. With my chronic pain and my mother in denial, I sleep most of the day and am in constant pain the entire time.

I’ll be real, I’m not a fan of asking for money. It’s not something I like, but it’s something I have to do. The amount of treatment we need, my dad, Gallifrey, and me, is more than we can hope to afford on our salaries (thank you, American healthcare!). The medical process in this country is a joke.

I’m asking y’all to help me out. Sharing, donating, whatever. Everyone around me has been kind and supportive, and I'm beyond thankful for that. If you can’t donate, please send it, share it, do whatever, I'll take absolutely anything. If I’m honest? The number I’m asking still won’t cover it, but anything is helpful.

Thank you for reading this far, thank you for sharing, for donating, for being kind, for absolutely everything.

I also understand that the internet is a horrible, despicable place, so I can give any breakdowns of what the money would be used for and give any medical info (not releasing family names or locations) to provide proof. The page includes a lovely little x-ray of my father’s head so you get to see the absolute insanity. If this isn’t enough please let me know and I can link anything else needed to confirm that yes, I am actually having the worst time of my life.

All in all? Thank you.

Donate here if you can <3

#since im not capable of offering much ill be finishing requests #ill prioritize those who donate so if you have a request enter it in the “words of support”#anything you request there will be done within 48 hours #otherwise ill be powering through as many as humanly possible to spread this around #thank you again

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three-drink-amy · 6 months

Text

WIP WEEKEND

Thank you to @welcometololaland for creating such a fun game! And to @orchidscript @strandnreyes @inexplicablymine @alrightbuckaroo and @cricketnationrise for tagging me! I was busy all weekend, but I’m playing along now!

1. WIP List:

RWRB:

Cruise AU —Alex and Henry go on a cruise together. Fake dating ensues.

Bodyguard AU —Alex is Henry’s bodyguard.

Potential third installment of Boy, I Fancy You

Lone Star:

Finish Teachers (I’m getting closer!)

Delayed wedding AU —The wedding doesn’t happen directly after Gabriel dies. It takes a while longer.

PR Relationship AU—Carlos and TK are in the spotlight and enter a PR relationship, but what happens when they catch feelings?

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

Teachers, by a long shot, is the longest. Currently sitting at over 100k.

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Teachers or Bodyguard AU. Probably Teachers, but I have a lot of plans for Bodyguard.

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

I only have 3 wips I have actual words written for. Teachers is very fun! Bodyguard has been trying to steal my attention for quite a while! It’s so fun to write Jonah, as well as the dynamic of TK, Carlos, and Jonah as a little family.

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

Probably Bodyguard. I need the angst and the drama and the desperation to hit right.

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

Right now, probably the Cruise fic because I’m getting very self conscious about making it as fun as it should be.

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

I have my honorary beta reader/cheerleader all rolled into one with @rmd-writes. She worked her way into my docs ages ago and I can’t imagine not asking her to read it first.

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Yes. Bodyguard did. I started it in January or February of this year, struggled to plan the next chapter, started reading a ton of Lone Star fics, began writing Teachers, and it has sat there like a sad, ignored WIP for months. But I’m coming back to it!

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Jonah may not be an actual OC, but this version of him kind of is and I absolutely love him! He’s a tiny, loving, teacher’s pet and he is my child.

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

Cruise or Bodyguard may end up being the sexiest. If I’ve done my job right 😂

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Bodyguard or Delayed Wedding will be the winners. Bodyguard for potential angst and bodily harm, Delayed Wedding for emotions.

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

Well that is really hard. I am gonna say the cruise WIP because I get to really lean into oblivious Alex and I’m excited for it!

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

Cruise fic. They’re on their way to Europe. I can’t wait to get to that part!

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

I guess Teachers, just for the sheer amount of time I have spent writing it. I started it in February. I would love to finish it by the end of 2023. Let’s hope. I looked back and for an unhinged week when I had Covid, I wrote an obscene amount of words. So, yeah, Teachers.

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

Bodyguard or PR Relationship. Both of them lean into tropes I love and so I want them to work.

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

Not that I can remember. Day dream? All the time.

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

I guess Delayed Wedding might because I’ll have to rely a lot on canon. AUs I can be a bit more free.

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

Probably the Cruise fic. Or Teachers.

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

Teachers had a decent dive into Jonah, though it’s still from Carlos or TK’s perspective.

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

I’m excited to write more angst. And a few of these will be fulllll of angst. Teeheeheee.

I have no idea who has done this. If you have, ignore me! No pressure tagging: @clottedcreamfudge @indomitable-love @cha-melodius @dumbpeachjuice @liminalmemories21 and @lightningboltreader

#tag games #my wips #my writing

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indecentpause · 2 months

Text

tagged by @faeriecinna to find the words sick, small, remember and cloud. thank!

cw: covid mention

sick:

[Josselin] turns to you. “Pascal… the Inspector says he gets sick easily, and you said he needs a lot of sleep. Does he have an autoimmune disorder? Should we be masking, just in case?” Josselin shakes his head. “Oh, no, nothing like that. He—“ He stops abruptly. He glances over your face, then seems to remember himself, and murmurs, “No, it’s okay, I can tell you.” He looks back at you and raises both his head and his voice. “He’s schizoaffective,” Josselin says. “He needs to get a lot of sleep, because even minor sleep deprivation can make his symptoms a lot worse. He’s told me even at his best there are still hallucinations and paranoia, but he’s at the point where he can differentiate between what’s real and what’s not. And he does have a weak immune system, but I think that’s coincidence. I don’t think they’re related.” “Oh,” you say dumbly. But that does explain Pascal’s awkwardness and discomfort with you yesterday. He was probably afraid you’d be judgy or rude. “Okay.”

small:

“He might not know you’re here right now,” [Josselin] finally says softly, “but that doesn’t mean he can’t find out. How many friends does he have? What cities do they live in? Do they know what you look like? Your license plate or what car you drive? Do you know what they would look like? Would you even know it if one of them saw you?” With each question you shrink smaller and smaller back into the couch. You shrug meekly and look away, crossing your arms over your chest protectively. “You’re right,” you say softly. You stand and rub at your arm, thumb and forefinger playing with your shirt sleeve. “That would have been stupid. I’m being stupid.” Josselin stands up and leans so close his nose is almost touching yours, hands propped on his hips. “Meara Ryanne, I never want to hear you call yourself stupid again.”

remember:

“My working hypothesis is that she walked in on something, and whoever was involved with that was involved with the kidnapping and murder. At least one of them. She was pretty small statured, so even if she was strong, it wouldn’t have been hard for even one person to overpower her long enough to tie her hands and shoot her up. Your stomach lurches at the way he describes it. “It happened at the school. The deal or whatever happened?” “It must have. They attacked her there.” You nod, swallow, try to keep your breath from catching. The Inspector comes back from his phone call in the corner and says, “We’re is working on rounding everyone up. The Chief is tying us up in paperwork, so my team right now is small. It might take a while.” “A few hours?” you ask. The Inspector snorts and Josselin bites back a laugh. “A few weeks, most likely. And probably only a few at a time.” You start to lift you hand to your mouth to bite your spinner ring before remembering you’re wearing a mask. “Go home,” the Inspector says. “I’ll be in touch.”

cloud:

[Josselin] helps you up and you take a couple wobbly steps, first with the crutch, then on your own. You try to act like it’s fixes everything, but even still, sharp pain lances through your ankle and foot. But at least you won’t be twisting it, over and over again. “It’s okay if you still need the crutch,” Josselin says gently. “We’re just going to the school, so you should have steady ground.” The boot is cumbersome in the car, but at least it’s not your pedal foot, and at least the clouds have cleared and it’s not raining after all. The expressway is bumper to bumper so you have to go slow anyway, but it starts to clear up a few off ramps before your own.

tagging @oh-no-another-idea @magic-is-something-we-create @illarian-rambling @pluto-murphy-writes to find the words sharp, shine, shimmer, and subtle!

#my writing #writeblr #find the word tag #writeblr tag games #excerpt #the most beautiful puzzle #sheraton academy #sheraton academy au #meara ryanne #josselin clearwater #donatien montague #inspector montague

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asherlockstudy · 1 year

Note

What are your thoughts on today's EB? I enjoyed every bit of it, it entailed a convo that was a long way coming for Link. I personally thought Rhett tried his utmost not to hurt Link even a little as he attempted to make him see the full picture regarding his social behaviour, it was so sweet and endearing.

I did something stupid. Even though I knew it was an important EB, I did not keep notes like that other time a few weeks ago. Also it was a kind of emotionally charged day for me too so everything’s a little bit of a mess in my head and I am pretty sure I won’t remember everything I was thinking at the time I was watching. It was a lot. This was a checkpoint in their podcast, in many ways.

When the podcast starts and Link is back from his trip, Rhett is still a little off. So even though some days must have passed, there is still something up between them. This is again something clearer on Rhett’s side. He is the one who’s antsy about something and Link responds to that. So, whatever the initial situation was, it was almost certainly Rhett who took an issue with it.

Rhett stings a little: “Don’t feel any obligation to listen to it” (his solo podcast), “You’re too busy for that”, “You know me well enough to not need to listen to me talk without you there”. I am pretty sure Link was joking there, but Rhett was responding more seriously and slightly bitterly. Furthermore that last thing is something I would bet Rhett feels it isn’t mutual; that Rhett can’t easily be absent and not care about what Link might say in his absence. Ironically enough, this eventually becomes the central theme in the podcast.

Then as Rhett explains why he’s taking the next week, he reveals how they barely saw each other in March and April and he is calm but you can see he is pissed about it. Maybe the tension has something to do with this after all. Link is a little defensive there, maybe for the cameras, saying they saw each other plenty, to which Rhett has to bite his tongue and take a sip from his cup. This makes me think that Rhett might consider Link partially responsible for the very little time they had together during these months. But this brought back memories of peak needy!Rhett during the 2020 covid carantine 😅

To reinforce his vibe of neediness, Rhett next blames Link for not persuading him to learn scuba diving earlier, saying it was an awesome experience that they needed to share together. At this point, Link is parts startled and amused, because he is secretly flattered by Rhett’s neediness. Link sort of explains that he just wasn’t used to being the one to take the initiative in their relationship and I sense there was some fear of Rhett rejecting / criticising his suggestions, but also Link almost certainly didn’t enjoy scuba diving as hugely as Rhett, that’s why he undersold it a bit in Rhett’s perception. Link feels that he has invested so much in Rhett, that there is a nasty defensiveness coming out of him in the weirdest of moments. Which is why when he has alternatives, he doesn’t want to show he needs Rhett so badly in order to do something. Rhett responds to that bitterly as well, saying: “Well, I would have begged you. Just saying”. So, you see, different love languages. But Link smiles through it, because of Rhett’s loving whine.

Skipping to the ski pass thing. This is so much more TRIVIAL than anyone made it to be, meaning Rhett and Jenna and Christy. Their reactions were SO dramatic. Okay Link messed up a bit but he had paid for all these passes and he went in with the confidence of the payer, you know. He didn’t think that they would ask all his autobiography for a ski pass. Obviously, the right thing to do was to ask for a change of the data on the pass in advance. Obviously, he should tell the truth from the beginning. But what he thought and it’s understandable was “Oh shit, the card has Michael’s name on. That’s okay, I’ll say his name and she will let me in”. He didn’t expect the age would be on there too and that this would lead to further questions. It was understandable and quite possible to happen. And I do understand his argument about Angie being more abrupt than she should. Clearly, he was there with three other teens following him eagerly, like jeez. And even if I knew she was doing her job, I would too get irritable if I had paid for a shitload of passes that my friends were not utilising and then it was me getting dragged in front of 75 people like a thief or a kidnapper. I am not saying it’s the clever thing to do but it is human and understandable and Jenna and Rhett acting so dramatic about it was excessive in my opinion. I found Christy’s insinuations cruel in this instance too. It was clear that Link didn’t think everybody owed him to pass, he just didn’t think there would be any issue since he was the one paying anyway.

EDIT: At this point I decided to take my time with the ask and rewatch important parts

This simple incident provokes a more serious conversation. However, the conversation actually went sideways. The original topic was how and why Link instinctively chooses to escalate situations without a ground reason for it. However, as Rhett tries to explore it, they accidentally find themselves in deeper waters.

Anyway, Rhett starts analysing how Link never considers how a situation can get out of control in his interaction with people and how everything - even the amount of care you have about what people think of you - should be in moderation. Link is open and thankful for Rhett’s feedback, even though he feels defenceless, and Rhett kind of mellows down. The interesting thing is that this is not the main point concerning either one of them deep inside and you will soon get what I am saying. In his attempt to defend / explain himself, an apologetic speech about how he has learned to rely for everything on Rhett comes out of Link and it is like an indirect apology for not persuading Rhett to scuba dive with him. But this was something that was produced out of many twists and turns and it wasn’t exactly the point of what the conversation was at the moment (escalating situations and expecting someone else will always handle it), so it was more like Link found a small, irrelevant moment out of the blue to apologise to Rhett than anything else.

Rhett sees the green light and goes deeper and explains how Link being himself without filter might sometimes involve him in situations uncalled for. Link grimaces through this and after a deep breath, him trying to collect himself, asks Rhett’s opinion about the incident in the movie theatre. While it is implied the situation escalated somewhat, they did not talk about the escalation but the beginning of the interaction only. Rhett then becomes real and gets closer to the source of his own frustration; he feels like he can’t enjoy himself in a social situation because he has to always monitor Link. Furthermore, an escalation might eventually ruin their night out or also Rhett can often feel swallowed and overshadowed by Link’s so strong come-on entrance.

But was this Rhett’s only problem, especially about the guy in the theatre? The awkwardness? Let’s see some specific parts of their conversation:

Link: You say I try to connect aggressively, that I try to put myself out there.

Rhett: And if you want to go to parties by yourself and do whatever you want to and see where the cards fall…. But what I am saying is when you go somewhere with me, or with your wife or with a friend, just so you know, it is the thing they are preoccupied with, is a sense of “okay, is he gonna do something that kind of makes things a little bit awkward for what it feels like his own entertainment?… And maybe it is like a “hey, I am going to… I wanna connect with somebody”… and it’s like-

Link: It IS for my own entertainment.

Rhett: I think there is a common root, like “I am gonna say this thing in this situation; I’m not taking my phone out”, is the same, there is a common root to, “I am gonna come into this group and just say something that makes people feel uncomfortable because it’s kind of fun. And you know what, a lot of times it’s actually gonna lead to a stronger connection with somebody….”

Rhett looks quite pointedly at Link.

Link: I just don’t understand why, I mean, in my mind though, talking about my neurosis of me picking out the brand of shoe I am gonna wear to this movie was something that I thought this guy would get a kick out of and he might enjoy meeting me?! (*scoffs*)

Rhett: Yeah but… all I am saying is there is a sort of ribbing.

Am I wrong to believe there might have been another problem bleeding in in Rhett’s complain and Link had picked up on it and it was the one he was actually reacting to? In a rare occasion, Rhett asks Jenna if he’s making any sense and she is slightly confused and it’s because he is saying one main thing but there is also another thing bleeding in, which makes the dialogue a little complicated.

You see, while Rhett doesn’t say anything specifically negative about it, his posture, gestures and expressions have an accusative tone regarding the implication that Link tries to monopolise people’s attention so much that it might lead to a deeper connection later. And while Link listens thoughtfully, this is the one thing he reacts to. He actually said: “Do you really think me starting a joke conversation about my neurotic shoe concerns was me hoping the guy would want to meet up with me later?”

Like, he said that. That’s what he asked. And then Rhett says “No, but there’s a ribbing” before masterfully shifting the conversation.

Rhett was going so deep about this out of a place of wounded ego, if not jealousy. He questions the reasons Link wants strangers’ attention so bad, even if it is in a positive or negative way. He puts the thought out there that maybe there is something else Link wants but if it is so (wounded ego), then at least Link should not go about it when it’s Rhett or his wife escorting him. Then he concedes that it might be superficial, a playfulness, a ribbing, but it still makes Rhett feel like he is not there, like Link wants something else. I am not saying that jealousy was the central topic in this discussion, but it was something that was bleeding in due to Rhett’s frustration and it was the primary thing that Link wanted to clear the air about.

You think I am stretching this? Let’s move forward.

Link at this point makes it clear that he welcomes Rhett’s feedback and stresses many times that “they are on the same side, that there is only one side”. This softens Rhett visibly. However, Link also points out that this conversation could have happened only between the two of them and that it would be “a little different” in private.

Link then explains how he wants to let go in social situations and he somewhat selfishly likes the feeling of having someone look out for him. Rhett describes this as “living with no filter”.

In Link’s exact words: “I think there’s so much of my life that’s like, I think so hard about it that if I can get out of my head and just get into, like, living, then it feels so good because there’s - I am just trying to explain myself. I am not defending myself. And so it helps me think there’s other things to take into account. Like, I have this desire… in a party setting where there is no stake. I feel like there’s no stakes and it’s all just about fun. And whether it’s the critic in my own head or whatever it is, there’s a lot of crunching down. So in the places where I can let loose, I find myself letting loose in a big way because it feels so good”.

So what is he talking about here? So much of his life that he has to think hard about, that it feels great to let loose, to have the illusion that there are no stakes? Is this about their job? Didn’t he previously say they have CEO brains? Is this about family? Is this about private life?

The first time Link breaks is when Rhett reminds him that he loves some people and he sometimes needs to keep that filter on for the sake of these people. While Rhett carefully keeps himself now within the context of social interactions and escalation and aggressive introduction, Link at this point is emotional so he just says:

“I just wanna jump out of the plane, you know?”

Like, WHAT are we talking about now folks? Escalation and chaotic introductions? Is that really what we are talking about??????????????

Rhett does not comment on this phrase but he does describe how Link’s chaoticness (or his desire to jump out of the plane) becomes stronger and stronger each year. He interestingly says that 10 years ago (2012 - 2013, has it been THAT long? 👀) he would never be worried about what Link would say to other people but now he is constantly concerned. The funny thing here is that if memory serves me correctly, Link was always a little strange and bold in his interactions with people. In fact, Rhett was also less skilled and stranger in the past. So, is it Link being weird what concerns Rhett or the nature of Link’s “weirdness”?

Rhett says: “There’s been good growth in a way, like “I am embracing who I am, I am being myself”.

Again, what on earth are we talking about here? “I am embracing who I am, an escalator? A stranger’s teaser?” Is this still the point of the discussion or has the main point gone off the rails?

Rhett then comments that “there is such a commitment on Link’s part for expressing himself without filter”. And he repeats there is a growth but that this growth needs to be managed. Normally, though, when something can be characterised as “growth” then it is a positive that, if anything, would need less management, not more. Link’s “growth” apparently causes problems to himself, Rhett, Christy and potentially other people as well.

Why? Link explains this immediately afterwards: “Yeah I am not jumping out of the plane alone”.

“It’s a tandem jump”, Rhett agrees.

Tandem is the bicycle for two riders. So it’s not just Link who is about to jump out of the plane. It’s Rhett too.

But they quickly correct this, saying it’s a group of people. Me thinks, wives, families, employees, right?

Rhett then says, “And if there’s one guy who’s like ‘this is what I do and I jump out of a plane, I go as fast as I possibly can’, and they’re like ‘yeah but we talked about how we were all gonna… There is a plan! We are all going to do this together!”

And then Rhett kinda rephrases it but it’s too late at this point. You do realise this has nothing to do with aggression or teasing strangers or being unpleasant in social situations anymore, right? There is a mention of a plan. This has NOTHING to do with what they were discussing before. And what they were discussing before was not Rhett’s real issue! Again, there is a plan, for a tandem fall, and essentially a group fall!!!! Nothing to do with random awkward social interactions!!!!!!! It’s literally a totally different, much more serious topic discussed simultaneously!

Then Link stresses how a lot of it is enjoying interacting with strangers (apparently as his “grown” self?) and Rhett says this is evident, not without a hint of condescension, also implying how Link could become the guy who goes to things alone and talks strangers up. This kinda flies over Link’s head.

The second time Link almost breaks down is when he makes clear that he wants to go out with Rhett and enjoy their time together. And because Link never disappoints he saves it until the last second to make this crystal clear:

“What is this inside of me that wants to come out? Like, it goes out sideways and it… it is funny sometimes but other times it’s like… you don’t wanna, you know, I don’t wanna be the guy that’s giving people that are the closest to me a shitty time because I am having the best time of my life. That sucks.”

Link breaks for the third time. And he also just did the thing Rhett was imploring him all this time to not do. It really is a lost cause.

Now while everything at this point is clear, the one confusing thing for me is how removed Rhett is from all this emotionally, like he is not in sync with how Link feels, like it is not the best time of his life, and on one hand I am pretty sure it is because Rhett doesn’t want to jump off the plane yet and if it weren’t for Link wanting it that bad, he probably never would, but on the other hand it scares my selfish Rhink heart, as if this whole situation is just a Link thing and Rhett is just the supportive friend, you know what I mean? But it cannot be, right? This theory doesn’t agree with TLCOBC and Hazel and so many other symbolic things they have done. I was just confused when Link said he’s gotten this feedback from people that love him the most, not just Rhett. I guess or hope this meant family. But even Rhett looked confused with that lol

They wrap up this episode with Link inviting the viewers to write their thoughts he bets they have and Rhett mutters “Oh they do” but… judging from the comments they still don’t lol Or I am straight out imagining things at this point. I don’t know. As you see, I only used their words. So I really don’t know if everyone is so deaf or I am so delusional.

As a last note, I would like to mention that Rhett has softened considerably by the end of the episode compared to the beginning. I should also point out how many times Rhett repeated he loves Link in this episode. He hit a personal record. Probably because it was a tough topic and he didn’t want Link to think he blames him. My favourite moment was when he said “I say this in love” instead of “I say this with love”. Heh. And Link clearly blinked or turned to him every time. Sweet.

#rhink #Rhett and link #randl #r&l #ear biscuits #long post #long text #tw long text #anon #ask #mythical

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charles-and-camilla-fanfictions · 5 months

Text

All the Time in the World - Chapter 10

Birkhall, March 2020

I’ve barely pulled on my clothes to face the morning before the door barges open and he rushes in. We’ve been counting down the days, and the result of that last COVID test took so long, I feel that time is pulling a trick on us and is in fact reversing. I accept his embrace without restraint, needing it as much as him and I reach to push my face into his neck to breathe him in. We stand tangled together for a long time, reaffirming our love for one another in the oldest and simplest of ways. We’ve been avoiding the conversation we’re about to have for the past week, a few more minutes won’t matter as I savour that sense of completeness from being wrapped in his arms, as my hands run up and down his back, relishing having him here to hold, squeezing him as tightly as I can, feeling the returning pressure. We’ve always done the making up from an argument the wrong way round. Any serious conversation has always commenced after we reassure each other how much we love each other. A large part of me would take this love and disregard any conflict but sometimes the strife is necessary to heal, to move forward.

“I love you. You know I love you?”

I hear his whisper and sigh. Here it starts.

“I don’t see a way out of this, my Darling.”

It makes me smile, even as I get a prickle through my skin in anticipation of the awaiting conversation. “You never do see a way out of it. Be more positive, Darling.”

“But this time, I really don’t.”

“By which you mean, you’re not willing to concede anything…”

“Don’t let go of me.”

“Do you remember Penelope?”

“No.”

“Yes, you do, Penelope, you know, tall Penelope…”

“Not helping…”

“Penelope… You know her. She used to be a sucker for the hair magazines and she’d come round to my flat and cut her hair and you’d get annoyed because this short blonde hair was everywhere and I don’t think you quite believed me that it wasn’t another man…”

“Massive boobs.”

“Yes, Penelope!”

“Married an old man…”

“He wasn’t an old man. He was only about twelve years older than her.”

“You’ve not spoken about her in years. You’re really procrastinating.”

“She sent me a letter, I got it yesterday. Her husband’s just died, of COVID. She’s beside herself because she thinks he caught it off her. She’s blaming herself.”

I feel his arms squeezing me tighter. “You always do this.”

“Do what?”

“Make excuses for me. I know what you’re trying to say and I love you for it, but that wasn’t why you were so upset with me.”

“She told me to hold you very tightly when we were together again.”

“I’ll hold you tighter.” There’s a pause as we do indeed hold each other tighter.

“How’s William?”

“He says he’s fine. I don’t think he is. He’s said his wifi isn’t working properly so we can’t video call. I know I’m old but I know an excuse when I hear one. What have you heard?”

“Kate was evasive. I think he’s a lot worse than he’s letting on.”

“It’s not even public that he’s ill.”

“People will worry.”

“When it’s about someone else, you understand duty.”

His words hit me as a blow to my entire body and I pull away from him, holding onto the bedpost to steady myself. “I understand it perfectly.”

“But you suggest you can shirk it because you’re upset? When the rest of the country can’t?”

“Yes. You think I’d just be ‘upset’ if you were dying?”

“Do you think your feelings are stronger than Penelope’s? Or anyone else who has lost their spouse and not been there with them?”

“Yes.”

“That’s incredibly selfish.”

“You don’t get to temper my feelings. Put this the other way round. How would you feel?”

“That’s completely different.”

“How is it any different?”

“I’d be with you.”

“What?”

“I’m not letting you die alone.”

“But that’s exactly what I’m saying!” The indignation at his remark rails my skin into hackles.

“How would it look if I left my wife to die alone in hospital when everyone knows I could bend the rules to see you? I’d look like a coward, and everyone would think I have no heart.”

“So you’d only be with me because it looks better?” My words are very quiet but I see his face and he knows I’m angry.

“I didn’t say that, don’t extrapolate. I’m talking about public perception. Feelings don’t come into it.”

It’s like being shot. I gulp, feeling my temper boiling through me, controlling it with difficulty. “Get out.”

“No.”

“Get out of my room before I completely lose it with you.”

“Lose your temper. I’m not leaving.”

“Fine, I’ll go!” I step forwards towards the door and he grasps onto my wrist. “Get your hands off me!”

I see him hold his hands up. “Don’t walk out on me.”

“If you think I’m staying here a second longer…”

“You can’t go, Darling, it’s lockdown. You can’t leave. We have to talk about it.”

“Just try and stop me!”

“Milla, please…” He swoops to the doorway and stands in front of me. Once, I would have barged past him and marched out into the grounds, storming through the heather, knowing he was behind me, at a distance, watching that I’m safe, waiting for me to calm down. Today, I’m filled with a hopelessness which leaks through my body and turns the anger into despair. The despair is too heavy for my knees and I sit down on the bed as they buckle. I wouldn’t want to become predictable anyway. He paces like I’m a wild animal, not knowing what to do or to say. I lie down on the bed and turn my body away from him. By the time he dares to sit next to me, the tears have started and I push my face into the sheets but when my shoulders give me away, I feel him turning me, lifting me until I’m sobbing against his chest.

2010, Clarence House

He fusses around me so badly sometimes, it’s peaceful to shut the door to my bathroom and block everything else out, the order, the adherence to a schedule, the need for perfection in everything. It extends into the ways he feels things ought to be conducted, some of these opinions I share, others I do not. His insistence on the both of us bathing rather than showering, for instance, is sometimes irritating, but this morning, the hot water warms my aching bones and I lean back gratefully, pleased with the time to myself.

“Darling, where did you put your phone? It’s ringing and it won’t be quiet.”

Standing in place of the door, he looks at me expectantly, a breath of cold air cooling my shoulders, which sit above the water. My peace shattered, I sigh. “Under my pillow.”

“Under your…” His face screws up in distaste. “You know my thoughts about having that too close to your head.”

“Mmmm. Yes, and you know mine…”

He stands, mouth open like a goldfish. “You care that little about what l think?”

“I’m trying to bathe, Darling, to get a modicum of quiet before…” That look on his face. My words trail off as he’s in a different world. He’s not present when his face looks like that. “Darling?” There’s no response. “Darling!”

“Hmmm?”

“Charles!” That did it. His eyes move up to meet mine. “Finished ogling?”

His cheeks flush slightly and he smirks at me.

“Out!” I point to the door and he turns to leave, chuckling.

I sink down into the tub, letting the water submerge me, enjoying the feeling of tranquillity brought about by the cocoon of the water. Holding my breath and with my eyes closed, I can escape from the world here. When I surface, I should feel reborn. I don’t. Every ache and pain remains. My hair needs washing and I can’t be bothered. Nor do I want to get up and dressed and styled. I’d prefer to stay here all day, reading a book, not moving. Eventually, the heat from the water is transferred into the cool of the air and my skin has wrinkled up into prunes. I toy with simply turning on the hot tap but I hear my husband’s dulcet tones.

“We’re leaving in an hour. You need to hurry up.”

I sigh. I’ve still not washed my hair. Then the door opens and I consent to help with my hair before being chivvied out of the bath and into my dressing room. It’s a very female sort of peace in here. I’m wrapped in a huge dressing gown as my hairdresser blows my hair dry and styles it, chatting away amiably. Usually, I do my own makeup, but my team have evidently decided that there is not enough time as that’s applied onto me like I’m a doll. My clothes are set out ready for me and I let them dress me, appreciating the help when I can’t summon the energy to do it for myself. Hat affixed, broach pinned on my coat, shoes polished and gloves on, I walk down the stairs towards my impatient husband. He smiles at me, marching down the corridor to help me down the last steps, then kisses my neck, making me chuckle.

“The car’s ready.”

“I’m never late.”

He rolls his eyes at me, “You just enjoy making me panic.”

“Your tie isn’t done correctly.”

“You never think it is.”

But he smiles down at me, enjoying the fussing as I fix his tie and remove a bit of fluff from his coat, taking pleasure in being able to go to work together, relishing the soft kiss I can give him before I take his arm to walk to the door.

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blossom-adventures · 11 months

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Ok… rant incoming, feel free to ignore it, somethings just come up and it really irritated me, I’ll put it under the read more because it’s a lot… personal stuff, family stuff, I’ve kept this rant bottled up for a pretty long time so it’s a long post

I don’t mind if you don’t read it

I came so close to scrapping this again (I have typed this story out in the past and deleted it) but sod it! I need to get this out of my system!

TW: Illness, death

So… I have a half sister, she’s my dad’s daughter from a previous marriage, much older than me and my brother

I’d not heard from her for 13 or 14 years but when my dad’s health deteriorated she turned up, acting like she’d been present for the last 13/14 years, my dad had invited her over so I remained civil, as much as I hated her being there

A little extra context, she has 4 children and my dad, their grandfather, met the youngest 2 for the first time just before lockdown in 2020, they were 9 and 7 years old!

When my dad was at his worst, about a week before he died, she turned up again, at the same time my dad was being seen to by an ambulance crew (his temperature was worryingly high, given his condition) and with lockdown rules, only 7 people were allowed in the room; my mum, dad, 2 ambulance crew, our GP was there as were the 2 visiting nurses that came to the house 4 times a day to help with his care, so I went in the living room out of the way, when she got there I told her that we needed to wait in the living room, so what does she do, yep… goes into the room where my dad is, acting the concerned daughter.

When she gets told to go and wait in the living room by my mum she comes in and sits down, never asking if I was ok, or anything like that, no she says “what’s wrong with dad?” Oh I had to hold my tongue sooooo much, I could’ve gone off on a rant, but I didn’t, I said “they’re making sure his temperature isn’t because of COVID” then she says “how would he have got that?”

Now bare in mind… I was still working full time, I was going into work not knowing if he would be there when I got home, I was at the end of my emotional tether, if it wasn’t for a couple of friends at work, I’d have exploded at that comment, I read it as she was blaming me for making my dad’s health worse, I couldn’t deal with her, so I retreated to my bedroom and cried for a while.

So… dad died in October 2020, I made it clear that I would not sit next to her at the funeral, we shared a hug at the end but she said nothing to me, not that I wanted her to, and that was the last time I saw her.

Fast forward to today… a whole 2 years, 7 months and a few days after he died, and my mum comes down with piles of photos, and she says “I know you’re going to ask, so I’m just going to say it, I got a message from her (she used her name but I’m not going to use it here) the other day asking if we had any pictures of her with dad, I know we have a couple so I’m going to look for them”

And this is what has irritated me, after nearly 3 years of no contact she asks if we have pictures of her and dad?! And assumes that my mum can just say “oh yes, we have a lot, I’ll send them you, dad kept them in a special box” because NO, he didn’t, we have like… 3, and they could be scattered in various piles of photos!

So now my mum is having to search through photos to find pictures of her… it’s just… it’s really annoyed me…

My mum has been avoiding looking through the pictures, because it upsets her, I know it does, so I insisted that she put some upbeat music on (Pet Shop Boys, mums favourite) and to stop when she needs to

Ok… rant over… I’m just going to… go and calm down for a little bit

#blossom rambles #blossom rants #ignore me I’m just ranting #feel free to ignore #I needed to get this out my system #💙🌸#sorry for the long rant

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monstriiss · 1 year

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personal under the cut

i’ll be real with you guys things have been getting increasingly shittier by the day, the oncology doctor visited us yesterday and pretty much said mum has weeks, maybe a few short months if she’s lucky, to live and frankly i don’t think we’re lucky. they decided to finally call the cancer aggressive. dad has long covid and keeps testing positive, and can’t come with us to mums appointment for assisted dying. on top of that it turns out mum had credit debt on top of her mortgage that so we could be looking at liquidators, if i can’t have her mortgage put into my name then we loose the house. the family that can actually afford to help don’t want to. nana can only stay in respite for so long and when she comes back it’s going to be her telling me her mum died at 34 from cancer multiple times a day and i’ll be cleaning up after her missing the toilet again and im dreading it. i want to have her put into permanent care but dad refuses because we’re kind of financially dependent on her. i don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. i don’t even feel like i can come here to disconnect because then i just feel like shit for not being a good rp partner, my writing feels boring and uninspiring and i have no creative or fun ideas. anyway this isn’t me trying to guilt trip i just really need to vent. on a good note at least my cats are cute and have been very sweet and getting along. mostly.

#tw negative #tw medical #;; ooc.#;; tbd.#god im doing so much whining lately im so sorry

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medeasgalpal · 1 year

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after my post about country music earlier, i’ve been geeking out all morning about the indigo girls so here are a couple of indigo girls stories:

at the very beginning of march 2020, my partner and i went to an indigo girls concert. our first date was on valentine’s day, so i was very much in an ‘oh my gosh is this real’ state. so please imagine me when they announce they’re going to sing a new, unreleased song, and it goes like this:

I work at the mall food court And when I get home I fix something to eat, settle into my seat And turn on the country radio I know every word to every song And they make these lonely nights a little less long 'Cause then I'm under the stars, regular at the bar Got a perfect girl, I got a worn in truck We go down to the river, and the moonlight is silver But most of all I get to be in love I wanna be that boy, I wanna be that girl I wanna know what it's like to fall in love Like most of the rest of the world But as far as these songs will take me is as far as I'll go I'm just a gay kid in a small town Who loves country radio

i was absolutely sobbing lol. that idea of using the exaggerated gender roles of country music as escapism defined my teenage years, and i had never heard someone else put words to it. not only that, but i was in love! i didn’t have to escape anymore, i could hold my partner’s hand! (at least in the theater full of lesbians)

our school shut down due to covid about 2 weeks later, and A had to move back home, about an 8 hour drive away. i spent a lot of that summer watching a shaky recording of Country Radio, since the album was still unreleased.

anyways this brings us to today, when i realized i never actually listened to that album all the way through. or at least if i did, i was so focused on Country Radio that i ignored the song immediately before it. that’s a shame cause it fucking slaps!

I was thinking about how I needed a ride From the swimming pool to the other side of town Yeah, I got a cousin, but it's too late to call And there's a perfect stranger who can find me In the last light of the parking lot Thank you, Kansas City girl With your long hair tangled, your tattooed skin And your Hip Hop Hits radio Turned down low, Kansas City girl I still hear what you're playing Where I'm coming from ain't the same ol' rodeo

like idk i’m equally obsessed with this song now. i can so clearly imagine the narrator being the same in both songs. maybe she needs to get to the other side of town to get to her food court job. she gets a ride from this woman from the big city! where they have hip hop! and obviously she falls in love a little bit cause who hasn’t? but then she goes to work and the regular world crashes back in, and all she’s got are the stories from country songs...

i could really go on about this album for days but it all boils down to that feeling of hearing a song made for you for the first time. i think that feeling healed a little bit of my soul.

#sorry for the long post #indigo girls #queer country

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captainrayzizuniverse · 4 months

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Yes! Thank youuuu @goldcrumble for this I truly need it now. I’m sitting in Kelowna waiting for the worst year of my life to be over in the most unremarkable way (binging on paw patrol with my nephew) and what better way to do it than this? Beware, long ass essay incoming.

When did you become a Louie? (This is about to get loooong)

I love talking about this because it’s such an interesting journey for me compared to other artists I love. I used to watch British reality tv with my grandma every year and that of course includes x-factor and strictly come dancing (and the GBBO, sewing bee, BGT etc..it was unhealthy) which usually start around the same time. We started with x-factor when leona lewis won until the last season with Louis as judge. So yes of course I watched the one with 1D and I was rooting for them during the show (and Louis was my LEAST fav only because I’d watch the xtra factor and the video diaries and he was SO loud and obnoxious and basiclly everything I find annoying in a person. Sorry it was what it was. Anyway after that season I never paid them any attention but we continued watching x-factor year after year. I've mentioned this before but when Louis was announced as the judge in 2018 I remember telling my grandma that it’s probably to draw in the 1D fans because the show was so bad at that point. Obviously I said it with eyes rolled and thinking ‘they really think they’re gonna save this shit with a kid from a boyband?’. Little did I know this guy will ruin me. Anyway as a non fan and someone who really didn’t know anything about the guy I absolutely loved him as a judge..so like a couple of weeks in I read his entire wikipedia and was 100% drinking the ‘reconnected and in love with his long term gf and has a kid with a one night stand from LA’ koolaid. And I listened to his singles at the time, loved them, added them to one of my Anghami playlist and it was chill for a while.

I have never been in a music fandom before..I’ve been in the football fandom (esp livejournal) for ages and also several movies/tv shows and books. I think most of the music I listen to are either from bands who are dead or there just isn’t a fandom big enough to exist…or I haven’t found it. Dunno..just never got into one. SO on a flight from oslo in 2019 I was reading a fic from another fandom and in the author’s note there was something about being inspired by a Larry fic and I vaguely remembered who the Larry ship is about. So when I clicked it and saw that it was THE Louis T, I went into my second rabbit hole and saw all these news singles he has out and an album that was about to come out and a show in Toronto and wow so much excitement all at once. Booked the tickets for the show which were later cancelled due to covid and then never got to see the ltwt live (rip hearing defenceless live). After that I didn’t follow up with him, I didn’t even know lthq was a thing ffs. When people say that they need to promote things on his personal IG, it’s for people like ME! Anyhoo! I still never searched him up on Tumblr until one day by chance I saw a clip from a livestream on instagram of one of his earlier shows in Texas. I didn’t even know concert livestreams were a thing tbh. So I kept on monitoring to find the source until I got to finally watch an entire show (I think it was the 4th American one, a few before the chicken nugget incident) and then somehow that led me to Tumblr and slowly I started following very very few blogs. So when did I become a Louie really? Was it 2018 when I was like ok the dude is cool I like the couple of songs he has out? Or 2019 when I booked my first concert ticket? Or in 2022 when I found the fandom on Tumblr? Also I got into 1D when I read that wiki page and it said something about him having the most writing credits. It intrigued me and was like ‘fine! I’ll give them a go I guess!’

your favourite song? (one off walls and one off fitf)

We Made It. All this time (if you ask tomorrow it might jump between Saturdays or holding onto heartache or she is beauty)

your favourite music video?

Miss you! The hair, the song.

your favourite gig?

Toronto one because I was anticipating it for sooooo long and it fully lived up to it. Esp after spending the entire 2022 watching livestreams and being jealous af. The new york one was good too but my home show will always be my fav

your favourite louis hair?

X-factor hair.

your favourite louis interview?

Oof man this is hard! They all kinda get mixed together so either a Zach lang one (probably the first one because it sticks in my memory more since I saw it right when it came out) or one of the buzzfeed ones like the snack wars or the one he did with the yellow background (man I’m lazy as shit, I can literally YouTube this).

suit louis or tanktop louis?

Suit Louis. Literally anything but tank top louis. I know I’m the only one in this boat but I just don’t dig tank tops. I think it’s also the fact that he almost always wears hideous shoes with them that kinda kill the look. If I had to be specific, I’d say tracksuit Louis.

favourite louis tattoo?

I’d also go with the x&o’s

favourite louis bodypart? (c'mon we all have one!)

I immediately thought his eye crinkles but realized that’s not a body part. Maybe hands or the veiny neck??I love a neck with passionate veins (what even am I saying??)

—-

I think my small Louis loving mutuals have either already done this or have been tagged, so it ends with ME!

And with that I shall wish everyone a genocide free 2024! A free Palestine! And an end to this fucking massacre!

Back to watching Marshall and Skye on PP.

#what is kelowna even btw?

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ladylooch · 9 months

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Letters in Your Last Name - Chapter 13

A/N: Another fav chapter of mine... what does it say about me that I like the angst so much??

Word Count: 4.6l

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, COVID times

Days without Kevin: 73

Today already feels difficult and I haven’t even left my bed yet. It’s now the end of October and the monotony of COVID has become all consuming. So much so that I find myself living at Felicia and Alex’s more so than mine and Kevin’s apartment. It’s so lonely there and everything reminds me of Kevin being gone. On top of it all, in a normal season, the NHL should have resumed by now. Kevin should be back in Minnesota, but he isn’t. He’s halfway across the world in Scandinavia while I wallow in a pool of self-pity in my brother’s basement bedroom.

I open the world clock app on my iPhone, seeing it is around 3:00pm in Sweden. I haven’t heard from Kevin yet today, but I know he had a long day of training scheduled. I have some time before I am meeting Nick at his gym. He owns his own gym and personal training business, but due to COVID had to lay off most of his support staff. When Alex and Felicia don’t need me for the kids, I step in and work for free so he has some coverage when he’s working with clients.

I slowly pull myself out of bed, even though I’d rather just stay under the covers and fall back into a bored sleep. I stretch and pad up the stairs to the kitchen to make a cup of hazelnut Nespresso. The house is quiet, meaning the other Stalocks are not home. Again, I’m reminded of the nagging feeling of loneliness expanding in the back of my mind.

My phone buzzes on the kitchen counter and I glance down, seeing a text from Kevin. I open it and a grin breaks out on my face. It’s a selfie of him all sweaty after his work out. His sweaty hair is matted against his forehead but his lips are plumped, extending a kiss to me across the world. He looks so damn good that I feel the urge to take a bite out of my phone. I maneuver to his name and click on the FaceTime button. Maybe a call with him will lighten the weight of the world today.

“Babe!” Kevin calls as he answers. “Hi!” I laugh in response to his excitement. We FaceTime daily but every time he greets me with the same jubilant response.

“Hi Kev.” I murmur to him. I take in the area behind him and can tell he is on a patio at a restaurant. It is loud and I adjust the volume on my phone to accommodate the noise. The picture must have been from earlier in the day as he is seemingly showered and put together now.

“I’m out with some people you know. Guys, say hi to Sam.” Kevin flips the phone so I can see the group he is with. It’s about 10 or so people, including Martin, Ella and Andreas. They all wave excitedly at me and I feel a deep stabbing of both envy and sadness.

“Hi,” I wave at everyone, slapping a fake smile on my face. “Babe, I’ll just call you later.” I say to him, trying to hide my disappointment and sadness. “I thought you were just finishing with practice.”

“No, wait, let’s talk now. I’ll go to the street.” He insists, getting up from his chair. “How are you?”

“Okay, I guess. A little bored.” I say honestly as I prop my phone against the vase on the island so I can be hands free.

“Yeah, not much to do with the new restrictions.” He assumes and I nod in response. He is sitting on a fountain in the middle of the square. I can hear the sounds of people talking and laughing. It does nothing to curb the loneliness churning in my gut. “Well, hopefully things will start to get better soon.”

“I doubt it.” I shrug, thinking of the spiking of numbers we have seen over the last two weeks, thus the new restrictions. If anything, COVID is seemingly getting worse. Again.

“Are you at Alex’s?” Kevin wonders, taking note of the light, maple cabinets behind me. The ones in our kitchen are white.

“Yeah.”

“Babe...” Kevin trails off. He knows I am rarely at our place anymore. Not because I’ve told him but because my sneaky brother keeps sticking his nose into our business. I know Kevin and Alex talk about how I’m doing. I don’t appreciate Alex telling Kevin things that I purposely don't share with my boyfriend. Kevin doesn’t need to know about the days I don’t leave my room.

“I don’t like living there without you.” I cross my arms over my chest. “It’s lonely. And I hear noises at night.”

“You were fine by yourself when I was on the road.” He points out gently.

“That was different. I knew when you were coming home.” Kevin frowns deeply in response to that.

“I guess that’s true.” He nods in agreement, running a hand through his hair and letting out a sigh. “I’m sorry, babe.”

I feel a tightness in my throat at his attempt to soothe me. The more intense things get with COVID, the less likely it feels that Kevin and I will be reunited anytime soon. When I think of that and how much we have been apart, it all sits heavy on my mind. Before Kevin, I had never been in a long distance, international relationship, but I’ve also never been in a relationship that felt this hard. I know we chose this, but being in his arms this summer made me forget the reality of our decision.

Another loud shout of laughter is carried across the square to Kevin’s microphone. He glances in the direction of his group of friends and I can tell he wants to join them again. The jealously churns a deep pain in the pit of my stomach. I feel myself reacting negatively to it in my already weak mental state.

“I just… I keep thinking that maybe it shouldn’t be this hard.” I say to him after taking a long sip of my coffee to prevent the outburst I feel pressing against my tongue.

“What does that mean?” Kevin asks, his head snapping back a bit in surprise.

“Most of our relationship has been spent apart at this point. I keep wondering how we can keep doing this? How are we going to sustain if we are never together?”

“It’s temporary.” Kevin insists to me.

“It doesn’t feel that way to me. It feels like our normal.” Kevin pauses taking in the exasperation on my face. He is slow to respond as he contemplates my words.

“It will get easier. I think we are in the home stretch now.” He finally assures me.

“Of course you think that, Kevin. It already is easy for you. You’re busy and seeing people and living your best life while I’m sitting here just twiddling my thumbs waiting for you to come back.”

“I never asked you to do that. If that is how you’re spending your days, that’s your choice, Sam.” He’s not wrong, but the reality makes my frustration burn brighter.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was a “choice” to miss someone. I thought it just happened when you’re apart from the person you love.”

"So because you’re sitting around waiting for me to come back. I’m supposed to do the same? And if I don’t, I don’t miss you? Come on, babe. That is not fair.”

“You don’t even seem sad that we are apart!” I exclaim as the anger overflows from me. My tone is harsh and my eyebrows are furrowed over my sizzling, green eyes.

“I am sad! I’m counting down every second until we can be together again. But I have goals and dreams that I’m working towards. I don't have time to sit around and be sad.” Kevin is extremely annoyed at this point and he runs his hand through his hair in exasperation. “We both agreed this was what was best before I even left Minnesota. You changing your mind now is pretty selfish.” He finishes with a cold stare.

I gasp in response to his words, my mouth dropping open.

“That was low.” I hiss at him.

“You want to talk about low? You’re accusing me of not missing you or loving you or being sad that we aren’t together. You’ve completely dismissed my feelings and replaced them with whatever insecurity is simmering inside of you today. That’s not even low; it’s just fucking insulting. I gotta go.” He clicks off the FaceTime call before I can even respond. The silence of his hang up is deafening to me in the kitchen. I slide the phone back to the counter, so I do not have to see the stunned look on my face reflecting in the black screen.

So much for feeling better. _ _ _

It’s a quiet day at Nick’s gym, which I’m thankful for. After mine and Kevin’s conversation earlier, I’m not in the mood to plaster on a happy face. I’m scrolling through the rest of the confirmed appointments for today, noticing it’s still a relatively light schedule for Nick. I sigh, again feeling the heaviness of COVID and the impact it has on him and his business. I know nothing of his financial situation, but I can’t imagine the business had funds to be prepared for a pandemic this long.

“Hey, I’m going to grab something to eat from Crisp & Green. Do you want something?” He asks as he grabs his keys from the desk beside me.

“Um… sure.” I say even though I’m not particularly interested in food. “I’ll have the cinco de light. Thanks.”

Nick stands next to me, looking over my shoulder at the schedule.

“Well, that’s not great.” He sighs. He rubs a stressed hand over his buzzed hair and reaches for his bottle of water to take with him. “I’ll be back.”

While he is gone, I make myself useful and go around disinfecting the various cross fit equipment around the space. Disinfecting is a constant these days and it’s better to stay on top of it when there is downtime before the next group. My phone buzzes over on the desk and I practically sprint over to see if it’s Kevin. It’s not. Instead it’s Bath and Body Works reminding me about their sale on three wick candles. I shrug, figuring it can’t hurt to look. $80 later, I blow out an exasperated sigh as Nick walks back in with lunch.

“I’m starving.” Nick mumbles, setting our stuff out on the front desk. I grab my salad and slowly unwrap the plastic fork. “You’re pretty quiet today. What’s up?” Nick asks me, stabbing a few pieces of spinach and stuffing them into his mouth. I shrug in response. “Kevin?” He inquires and I nod.

“This is hard.” I reply. “I finally find someone who I connect with on this deep level and we live across the world from each other for half the year. I hate not seeing him.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine that’s much fun for you two.” Nick nods in agreement, pausing to take a long sip of water.

“Kevin doesn’t seem to mind.” My voice is snippy as I scowl deeply.

“Why do you think that?”

“Because he’s so unfazed by it all. I feel like I’m sitting around and waiting for his FaceTime calls and he’s off living his best life without me.”

“Meh, I’m not sure if that’s entirely fair. Things are a little different here than Sweden. They’re relatively open and he can live a normal life. In normal circumstances, maybe it would be easier. You would probably even be with him this off-season.”

“I guess.” I murmur back, pushing my salad around in my bowl. “I keep wondering what our life is going to be like together. Even after COVID. Will he leave without me every off season? Will he ever consider staying here? What if we get married and have kids? Are we going to be international parents that cart their kids halfway across the world every summer?”

“Why don’t you walk before you run.” Nick chuckles at me. “Do you think things with Kevin are that serious?” I shrug dejectedly.

“I thought so, but seeing how easy it is for him to be gone.. It makes me wonder.”

Nick nods his head and wipes a napkin across his face. He seems to contemplate that for a moment.

“The truth is, the only person who’s feelings you’re ever going to know for certain are yours. But, from my experience, most men don’t ask a woman to move in if he's not seeing a long term future with her. And especially not a guy like that who likely has other options waiting in the wings.” His look at me is extremely pointed. Yes, we both know Kevin could walk down the street and grab five new women a day if he wanted to. But, he’s chosen me and that certainly means something. “Maybe you should talk to Kevin about what you’re feeling.”

“I tried this morning, but it just turned defensive and angry. He was out with friends when I called. I got sad and… jealous.” I admit sheepishly. “Like the worst kind of FOMO.”

“You know.. even if you were with someone else, there would still be challenges. Relationships are never easy. You have to fight through the hard stuff to enjoy the good stuff. There will always be trials. Yours are just on an International stage. Right now, he’s across the world and he still wakes up every day choosing you. Make sure you're doing the same. Kevin aside, you’re the only one who can decide if that’s what you want for your life.”

“I know.” I tell him as my heart squeezes in response.

“You’ve seen the sacrifice being in this league requires from Al. It takes all of you sometimes. You need to stand with Kevin in that or walk away. He’ll have to be selfish if he wants to be somebody in this league. You’ll need to learn to be okay with that.”

“I know.” I repeat because I do. I’ve seen both Alex and Felicia sacrifice for his career. How many holidays has Alex missed? How many nights did they go to sleep in different states? How many events has Felicia attended alone because Alex was gone? And isn’t that what I was attempting to do when I told Kevin to leave Minnesota in the first place? I am recognizing what Kevin said- that it’s not fair to us for me to change my mind now that he has left.

“Maybe this will help put things into perspective. You talked about imagining your life together. Maybe you need to imagine your life without Kevin.” My gaze instantly snaps to my brother and I don’t like where this is going. “Close your eyes.”

I do so, but it’s hesitantly and not without a heavy sigh.

“You’re in the family lounge next year with Felicia. You and Kevin decided to go separate ways and you see a woman off to the side who is waiting for him. He walks into the lounge and lights up when he sees her. They embrace and then take off for the night. Felicia tells you what you don’t want to hear: Kevin has a new somebody.” I swallow hard and try to push back the instant dread Nick’s words are giving me. “You go through the season acting like it’s fine. When you see Kevin you exchange pleasantries, but as time goes on you feel like you know him less and less. You convince yourself that it’s fine, natural even. You wanted this after all. Until the day you’re scrolling through Instagram and you see it. They’re engaged. He asked her on a mountain in Switzerland with a huge, diamond ring that would have looked perfect on your finger.”

I open my eyes and stare into my brother’s blue eyes. They are hard and unforgiving as he continues.

“Again, you tell yourself that it’s fine. Remember, this was what you were sure was best for you both. After all, you knew it was going to be too hard to stay together. Until you’re watching him marry her in a video posted on social media. Then you find out the hard way that there is a life more difficult than international distance. And you’re living it now. You meet other guys along the way, but find yourself comparing them to Kevin. They don’t measure up. You can’t figure out why. In the Fall, you’re at the X again, walking to your car after the game. Al gets a shut out. The family is on a high and heading out to celebrate another Wild win. You stop dead in your tracks when you see them. There he is, the love of your life with his wife. He’s holding her close, his hands on the child she’s growing. She’s the one having his babies while you sit in the stands watching his dream come true without you. And it’s all because you didn’t have the courage to make it work all those years ago.”

The silence stretches out as Nick ends this trip to a potential future. He’s right. That’s way worse than this. The pain of this fictional story grips my chest until I can barely breathe. Tears burn my eyes as I try to pull myself out of this fictitious life. How could I ever live in that world? A world without Kevin would be dull and unfulfilling.

“I don’t want any of that.” I whisper out to Nick.

“Then find a way to make it work, Sam.” He gives my shoulder a loving squeeze and walks away to prepare for his next appointment.

Later that night, after letting Nick’s words sink in further, I realize just how right he is. Kevin deserves someone who chooses him always. Someone who fights for him in the midst of the hard days and loves him through the best days. I’m that person. No one could love Kevin better than me and I’m going to make sure he knows that. Our life together will continue to come with trials. I need to accept and adapt to that, even when I want so badly for things to be easier. It’s just hard right now because of COVID. This is temporary; it will pass. When it does, Kevin and I will evolve and grow.

I pull up FaceTime on my phone and click on Kevin’s name. It’s well after midnight in Gothenburg, but I don’t want to wait until the Minnesota morning to talk with Kevin. I’ve missed him terribly all day and I want to make this right. When he answers, he’s laying in bed and sleep covers his features. He wipes at his eyes and squints into his phone at me.

“Hi.” I say shyly, biting my lip and watching as he yawns cutely.

“Hi.” He responds, voice coated from sleep. He settles in deeper to his pillows, looking at me expectantly.

“I was with Nick today.” I begin, dropping my eyes from my phone and looking at the comforter. “And.. uh.. I was talking with him about our conversation earlier and how hard this is.” I stop and look at Kevin who remains squinty and tired.

“Okay.” He says, giving his head a slight shake. I let out a puff of air and continue.

“He gave me a different perspective on what I was feeling earlier. I’m sorry about what I said. I was being selfish. You were right. And It’s not fair for me to say I’m okay with this, then change my mind because it’s uncomfortable now. One day we will look back on this and it will be a distant, hard chapter in our life. I… I want you to know that I pick you. Always. And especially right now when this distance is trying to pull us away from each other. I’m holding on to you. And… I guess, I just hope you’re still holding on to me.”

Kevin is silent as my words settle around us. I’m nervous as I search his face for any type of sign of how he has taken my words. He looks away from the camera and rubs at his face again. Slowly, he moves into a sitting position, flipping on the lamp next to his bed. He reaches for something that I can’t see and then pulls it into my view. My eyebrows lift in surprise as I take in my sweatshirt that seemingly made it to Sweden with Kevin. It’s a South St. Paul Packer Hockey sweatshirt- black with maroon and white lettering.

“This is how I got to sleep tonight.” He admits to me. “I stole it from the closet when I was packing to come back. It doesn’t really smell like you anymore at this point, but I feel close to you when I have it. Yeah, an NHL player snuggles with his girlfriend’s sweatshirt to fall asleep.” I am in stunned silence as I look at my high school sweatshirt, then at Kevin’s face. “This isn’t easy for me either, baby. And of course, I'm holding onto you. Tightly with both hands. But I can’t let our distance hold me back. We made this choice, together, and it’s not fair to either of us if I don’t go all in while I’m here.”

I want so bad to reach through the phone and grab him. I want to hold him close to me and kiss every inch of his perfect face. Instead, I wrap my arms around myself and imagine they’re his.

“I’m sorry I called you selfish. And I’m sorry you don’t feel like I miss you. Honestly, sometimes it stops me in my tracks with how much I do. I promise I’ll do better at being sad.” He gives me a small smile at the end. I return his smile with a big grin.

“You’re the sweetest thing.” I murmur to him. “Kev, I’m so sorry.. for everything I said. Sometimes the loneliness gets overwhelming and I just want you to hold me through it.”

“I want you right here with me, baby.” He breathes to me, tapping his chest. His eyebrows are furrowed in desperation. I yearn for him even as I can feel every mile of distance between us. “I want to kiss you all over. And make love to you until there is no doubt left in you about us.”

“That would be nice.” I tell him honestly, closing my eyes and imagining all of that. My body gets warm in response, a blush dusting my cheeks.

“I want to give you the world. Being here will help me with that.” Kevin whispers to me.

“I don’t need the world. I just need you.”

“I’m still with you. Even though I’m here, I’m there with you, babe. Just close your eyes and feel for me.”

“I know. I feel it.” I whisper back to him. We stare at each other for a moment. I watch him stifle a yawn and I know I should let him go. “I’ll let you go back to sleep.”

“No. Stay on with me? I missed you today.” He says, “Tell me more about your day with Nick.” He settles himself back into his pillows, eyes already drooping a bit more. I smile in response, leaning back to get comfortable in bed as well.

I tell him about my day with Nick, our conversation, lunch, and how the weather was today. I tell him about making homemade pizza for dinner with Sawyer and Serena, including the inevitable meltdown when Sawyer put too much pepperoni on Serena's side. As I speak, Kevin’s eyes slowly close completely. It isn’t long before soft puffs of air are coming out in a steady and slow rhythm. I reach out with my finger to touch the screen of my phone. I can almost imagine the warmth of his face against my skin. I close my eyes to savor that moment, focusing in on when he was last in my arms in our bed.

“Goodnight, babe….” I trail off in a whisper.

I end the call and bury my face in my pillow. With each moment that passes without seeing Kevin on the screen, my old friend loneliness begins to consume my body, inch by inch. The tears come silently now. I cry them all out, my arms still wrapped tightly around my body. Kevin and I may have smoothed things over, but no amount of words or FaceTime calls will ease the yearning I feel clawing at my chest. Only his arms can.

As the mental exhaustion takes over, all I can do is hope that the remaining days bring some sense of relief that the other 73 couldn’t.

Needless to say, I’m not holding my breath. _ _ _

Five days later, a FedEx package shows up on the porch. I find it as I’m coming back from a quick run around the neighborhood. I pop my AirPods out of my ears and reach down for it. My name is on the package, but I’m not expecting anything. After further inspection, I can tell it came from Sweden. My lips tilt into a smile and I rip it open in excitement before I even bother to enter the house. What comes out of the box is a Wild sweatshirt of Kevin’s contained in a sealed bag along with a white card. The sweatshirt he sent is my favorite. I protested loudly when he decided to take it with him to Sweden.

I open the bag and reach for the card. My name is written on the envelope in Kevin’s scratchy writing. I rip the paper open and pull out a blue card with a dresser on it. The text reads: Someday you will find this card in a drawer.. and we will still be in love. My throat expands with tears, then my lips crumble as a cry comes from my aching chest. I open the card and read his note to me.

Hi Baby- This will hold you until I can. I’m counting down every minute until I can kiss your beautiful face. I love you! Kev

Tears leak down my face freely as I close the card. I bring the sweatshirt up to my nose and breathe in deep. Every mile between us disappears and it feels like he’s with me on the porch. I wrap the arms tightly around me. I fall to my butt on the steps and grip the fabric to my chest while I rock back and forth. I breathe him in again and I can feel the muscles in my body release. This is what I needed. The ache has dulled for the first time in weeks. Now, I just need to see him. I grab my phone and press the FaceTime button for Kevin.

“Did you get it?” He beams at me when I see his face. I nod my head because my throat is clogged again.

“Thank you.” I finally push out quietly. He has no idea the gift he has given me. I can’t even put it into words for him.

“I’m sorry it’s not me.” His eyes are longing as they take me in. A tear slips down my cheek and I nod my head in agreement as I wipe it away. “I love you. The second that I can, I’m coming for you, baby.” He assures me. My teary, green eyes meet his. He releases a heavy sigh before reaching out for me through the phone.

The second that I can, I’m coming for you, baby.

Oh, what I wouldn’t give for him to be here right now.

#letters in your last name au #kevin fiala #Kevin Fiala Fic #los angeles kings #my writing #hockey fan fiction #hockey writing #NHL writing

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