#just currently don't feel like I have the mental capacity for big things
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So we have the hostage scenario for Eclipse, which makes Sun n Moon race over to help...
But what if something similar happened to Sun and Moon? Either a hostage situation or they get supremely hurt on the job. I'm thinking like, damage they need help repairing (maybe Robin doesn't know enough to be able to help, or is also recovering, or etc etc)
Or even worse a hostage situation where the invaders feel the need to harm Sun & Moon to keep them pacified. Would they attempt to get a voice memo to Eclipse as well? Or would there be a different method they would use to get information out?
I can easily see this being resolved before Eclipse get's there/get's information about it as well. So he gets to the after-math n helps out with that instead. Maybe even speed-running a reveal if we're not at that point yet in this timeline/scenario
-G
These are more scattered thoughts rather than just one cohesive scenario like with the other ask, my apologies. (Still long af though, lmao. 2.3K words)
Anything they need help with regarding repairs, the agency definitely has covered - in First Aid, Sun/Moon insisted they can handle repairs themselves, and the agency only sent the parts, but if they were damaged to a point where they couldn't do that anymore (but are still salvageable) the agency would cover the repairs.
In cases of "technically resolved, but will need time to go back to normal" (like First Aid!) Sun/Moon do tell Eclipse - and that's a turning point in their relationship, actually. I thought about it before, and people from the server may recognize some of this ask, because it's maybe only marginally relevant to this ask but I like it and I think it's important to say actually.
Intermission regarding the repairs of First Aid specifically:
Sun and Moon did tell Eclipse. Not the day of, but the day after - after that talk with Robin, because before that they were just. preoccupied. They do almost consider sweeping it under the rug, but the hypocrisy doesn't sit well with them. So they agree to tell him, and lead with tons of disclaimers of how they're fine, the agency paid for replacements, everything vital came in quickly and it's all good, but uh, they may have been caught in an explosion
Eclipse... doesn't take it well. and he's kind of surprised, honestly. he didn't think he'd care that much (because sorry yall, he may be sad boy but he's he's also still salty af boy and has not been the friendliest either - all for good reason ofc, but at this point he's also still kinda flipping between trying to reach out and "well screw you too i don't need you"). So why does he care? Especially considering that 1) they said they're fine, and 2) he has lost more arms than his brothers have fingers. And every time he's made a point out of obviously not caring except to whine about fidgets or dropping things, while Sun/Moon roll their eyes at him and pretend they aren't more bothered than him.
So why does it bother him now, when it's them? They didn't even tell him immediately. They've been weirdly quiet for about two weeks then, and he's gotten no explanation out of them, and now he hears that they got blown up and he didn't even hear until it was resolved. He definitely feels shut out again, but the concern actually makes him ask. What's going on on their end? What's happening?
Sun and Moon, in the daze of "had extremely cathartic heart to heart with y/n, and hey, look at that! communication can be nice!" don't even hesitate and tell him.
"So the rival and the landlord we told you about may have been the same person. we found out, and before we blew up, everything else around us did metaphorically already. Sorry we've been quiet, we've just been trying to keep this from becoming an even bigger mess. We've talked, though, and we're fine. We're still waiting for a few cosmetic replacements, but we're back to fully functional"
Eclipse reads this once and relief settles in, along with that weird feeling of "huh that was much easier than expected, normally they're so cagey." Then he reads it again, and gets stuck on sentence one.
"... How is that even possible. How did no one realize. You've been talking about the same person?"
Before Sun/Moon can answer, another message follows:
"Against popular belief, I can read the room however. I'll refrain from outright making fun of you for it for the next week. After than, it's on"
The brotherly venom that follows is back in all their comfort zones, but does go on longer than usual. They go back to their previous amount of contact, with perhaps just a slight upwards trend (and a definite upwards trend once the week is up).
Eclipse does get to ruminate on his own injuries then, too - he doesn't even get full coverage by the agency anymore, because he had to be reminded of lab safety one time too many - they sat him down and told him to either do things exactly up to code, or accept partial out of pocket payment for the risk he's willingly engaging in. He chose the latter.
But if he's thinking about how he didn't even learn about it immediately, is he any better for purposefully waiting a few hours for things to settle again before letting them know? It's always a casual "ah just got home, thought id let you know" message, or before Sun/ Moon transferred he simply showed up after work and shrugged them off. Sun and Moon haven't been his emergency contacts in a while, either.
But it's lonely.
They had some straightforwardness now, some communication, and now things are improving - so his hope regrows with a vengeance (so does Sun and Moon's, especially when things with y/n also improve. Turns out the lesson "communication is important" learned in one important relationship can be generalized to your other important relationship, too!)
So that's the turning point for the brothers in canon - which translates into drastic differences in reaction pre- and post reveal in regards to a hostage situation.
(Intermission over, let's return to your actual ask)
Pre-reveal, Dusk/ Dawn may think of getting a message out to Eclipse, too - for the same tactical reasons that Eclipse thought of, too. He’s an agent, of the same agency, and it’s simply an efficient way to get information out as quickly as possible to resolve this fast. They don’t usually text him while on the job, but carry their respective phone anyway, so it’s not too much of a hassle. (But it’s already a sign for Eclipse that something is wrong, they never text him on the clock, and they very much are supposed to be working).
Same as Eclipse, they don’t expect him in the rescue party.
But - looking back to how Eclipse reacted to resolved danger, scared and upset - how is he supposed to react, hearing this? Dusk/ Dawn may not be as lighthearted as Horizon in the same situation, but they aren’t scared - so he only gets to hear his calm and collected brother, whichever is out. Dusk more snappy, Dawn more charming (in a murderous way). They get to the point quickly, and are technically more used to high stakes situations such as this, despite their limited experience as agents. They’re at least field agents. Dawn in particular knows what questions to ask, and how to ask them.
Eclipse has a harder time to argue his way into a direct transport to their location. He doesn’t think to threaten his position, but he’s just so entirely genuine in his approach - they’re his brothers, he needs to go check on them. Whether the agency helps or not - but if they send help anyway, why can’t he join? He’ll be back to work sooner, too, if they send him instead of forcing him to arrange it himself. The logic is sound, and he gets the express travel.
He doesn’t have an eclipse mode to dive back into, he is Eclipse. But the memories of the mode that made up his early life - they’re at the forefront of his mind the entire time. His brothers survived so much - but now they refuse to use that mode that let them survive so much. So he’s dealing with some misplaced guilt there, because it’s not his fault that their eclipse mode was experimental from the start, and always was a risk, he just happened to be the first (and only) consequence they ever had to deal with.
I’m… I’m going to ensure no reveal is taking place here (definitely could!) because I don’t want to take away from the brothers’ relationship. A reveal here would be rather overshadowed by “Well, I guess that might as well happen, but frankly we’re still coping with that hostage situation, so let’s just unpack that later” before they all slip into a very efficient “Alright, we’re all safe, are we? Anything we need to ensure it stays that way?” With Y/N/ Robin handling some security issues at home for their collective peace of mind, and later gets the introduction to Eclipse, too.
But we’re not doing that. I’m removing Robin from the equation - they were stuck in the same situation, perhaps, but pre-reveal they might have just taken a few reassurances from their rival to then hole up at home after pretending they’re fine. Rattled, but in the end they just invest into a bit more home security, much to the bafflement (but also relief) of their neighbor. (Who, of course, doesn’t pry.)
So Horizon gets the trip to HQ, not the duplex - but after everything is resolved, Dawn/ Dusk at least have a rather considerate supervisor, who mentions that hey, your brother requested a transport to come see you. Maybe stay in for a little while longer.
Dawn/ Dusk, baffled as the respective brother is, stays. Wakes up the other (again - depending on how dangerous the other situation got, even without the eclipse mode as an option, they prefer not being alone. Also heavily depends on where Robin was, given that Robin by that time is also a trusted work partner, even pre-reveal) and relays the information.
It’s a more subdued reunion - Eclipse isn’t as outwardly frantic, more worried if he even has any right to be concerned, and Dawn/ Dusk just feel awkward, having made him worry. They’re the big brothers, and it’s not supposed to be that way.
Once Eclipse lets slip that he was worried because they couldn’t use the eclipse mode “because of him,” that just breaks the ice. They’re quick to reassure him that everything is fine, things were handled, and they weren’t alone anyhow. Another speedrun - they make it clear that his existence is not a fault, and nothing they’re angry about, even if they mourn the safety they found in their ignorance. It always was a risk, and as far as consequences go, they’d take him any day. Something actually bad could have happened, instead of a new AI one of theirs (or both) could have been fried, maybe beyond repair, he’s the best case scenario and they are glad they found out to better not use the mode anymore through him.
The reunion swaps focus here, because oops, that’s something Eclipse can’t just hear and not ask about. The way they reacted back then -
Was stupid. They didn’t know what was going on, and took it out on him, which wasn’t fair. That’s, uh, actually something they feel rather bad about these days.
Eclipse just. folds. Sits down, surprise evident on his face, and doesn’t really know how to process that kind of revelation.
Sun/ Moon look at their brother, and after a moment they sigh, tension dropping from their shoulders. Sit down next to him, as relaxed as they allow themselves at work, and just smile at him.
“Thanks for coming, sorry we made you worry. Suppose your methods have their advantages - good thing we didn’t care about the regulations regarding confidential information.”
That gets Eclipse to laugh, too - and they can talk a little more about what exactly happened.
It’s still a short visit, all in all - a day or two at most, and Eclipse agrees to stay in a hotel room instead of the duplex - Sun/ Moon are a little blunt when they explain they simply cannot deal with their nice landlord learning about their job, too, right now - and Eclipse does note that he’d probably manage to mention something incriminating. No hard feelings - only relief, and a slightly better relationship the brothers can start fostering.
Post reveal, there are no secrets. The actual danger goes over pretty much as pre-reveal - just that Robin doesn't leave after, and helps mediate - they are too tired to deal with the brothers’ weirdness, so they’ll cut that starting awkwardness short. Similarly to the reveal scenario in this context, they would focus on improving the security at their home, but also announce they’ll be with the boys shortly. Greets Eclipse happily, exhausted as they are, and tells him not to worry too much, his brothers are too stupid to die so early.
Gets an offended “hey!” and a snort from Eclipse in return, and whatever ice there was is broken. The brothers’ relationship is already much better at this point, after talking some things out, and with the intent in all of their minds to fix things. Whatever issues remain unresolved at this point, they push them away, because they know the other side cares, and that’s all that matters right now.
They skip right into what happened, and Eclipse offers some new gadgets to keep their home safe, and some to carry on their persons to keep them safe on the job, too. More than warranted, technically, but none of them really say no to feeling a little extra safe.
(Robin of course also gets decked out. Eclipse knows how important they are to his brothers’, and even in the case of this being their first meeting, he cares about them enough already. They’re nice to him - tired, maybe, but they joked with him immediately, and the boy gets attached easily. There’s also the fact that he’d know how involved they were, and that they care about Sun/ Moon’s safety too, so it’s sort of a mutual understanding that everyone gets extra gadgets)
I. I didn’t say anything about Dusk/ Dawn being potentially harmed in this scenario - but we are at over 2K words for this already, so I’ll just declare that they’re 1) smart enough to dodge getting hurt, and 2) have some serious dumb luck, and set this out in the world <3
#answer let luce#G asks#accidentally undercover#Okay so yes a bunch of this was recycled (read: copypasted from discord and slightly edited)#but this still got out of hand#I'm slowly but surely working on my inbox#sorry I'm a little quiet these days I still very much have ideas and all#... also not doing the masterlist update today tho#feel like there's not enough to justify it#once the renovations at my place will be over and I don't have to worry about that anymore I hope to get back into it#just currently don't feel like I have the mental capacity for big things#so the drabble bit I have is taunting me from google docs#but! I managed this! so! <3#have fun! <3
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Conflict, Communication, and Chemistry: A Laura and Marisha PC Appraisal
A couple of people have observed across all three main campaigns that Laura and Marisha consistently make characters that ultimately don't seem to fully understand each other for various reasons, and their characters' chemistry (or lack thereof) is an outgrowth of that. And until recently, I thought that was one of those things that I personally saw but not everyone else was obligated to view the same way—chemistry is often subjective, and it’s for that reason that I tend not to take seriously a lot of the common shipping-based arguments about chemistry.
But in the most recent 4-Sided Dive, Marisha, Laura, and Sam said this:
MARISHA: I have enjoyed…of course, like, delving into the relationship is always fun, but then relationship tension is also fun.
LAURA: Yeah, I feel like you guys [points between Marisha and Sam] are really big on—you really like relationship conflict too. You guys talk about that a lot.
SAM: Of course. Because I don’t have any in my real life.
LAURA: I’m terrified of conflict. That translates to the game as well, I don’t like conflict.
SAM: You don’t like conflict? Even in the game, in this dramatic storytelling game that we’ve made together?
LAURA: No! I don’t like fighting!
SAM: You just want everything to go fine?
LAURA: Yes!
And I think that made things click into place for me. This is the reason why their characters have this through-line, because their approaches to conflict bleed through to their character choices. Laura's characters’ issues tend to be internal; they tend not to have prolonged fights with other characters, and their arcs are often person-vs-self stories about emotional walls and struggling with self-centeredness in some capacity. Marisha's characters, on the other hand, are upfront about their problems and are completely unafraid to go toe-to-toe with other party members, and their character development is often a product of a straightforward person-vs-person or person-vs-society story about overcoming their physical obstacles. And it’s part of why their current characters’ relationship has played out in a way that’s strange and off-kilter, because their interactions do not read to me like the players really understood this about each other before the public talk show discussion quoted above.
In Campaign 1, Vex and Keyleth’s relationship is conspicuous by its absence; even within their superficial commonalities, they are not particularly drawn to each other beyond circumstance. Vex is unquestionably the leader of Vox Machina insofar as they have one, and she does this by consistently finding a compromise—when the group is arguing about their best course of action in Whitestone or Westruun or Draconia or the Nine Hells, Vex is the one who mediates and strategizes their way out. She's very good at seeing all sides of an issue, threading the needle, and coming to a decision that keeps the group happy and together. The problem is that she tends to do this at the expense of her personal needs being met; she bottles up a lot of her emotions and issues and she struggles with letting people in, and has to work on not internalizing and holding grudges.
Keyleth, on the other hand, consistently takes stances and isn't afraid to be the moral compass of the party, like when she notices how dark everyone is becoming during the Briarwood arc and fights to correct it. She lets herself feel what she feels rather than pushing it away, which allows her to overcome the physical and mental challenges of her Aramente and affords her more emotional freedom and honesty. Sometimes, though, these traits work against her—she will argue a point and continue to belabor it until someone else steps in; she can be self-righteous due to her own naïveté; and her emotional openness can be poorly-timed and lead her into indecision and dithering. One of the few one-on-one conversations Keyleth and Vex have is after Vex dies and is brought back in the Sunken Tomb, and Vex is quickly exasperated at having to deal with Keyleth’s feelings when she’s the one who died and she’s just trying to piece together what happened.
Vex is often frustrated by Keyleth's hardline beliefs and feelings and has to compromise around them; Keyleth sees conflict in a much more literal way than the internalization and masking that Vex does, and as a result never really digs deeper into who Vex is as a person. By the end of the campaign, they call each other sisters, which I think is appropriate—they're two people who care about each other but have little in common, tied together by the single factor of Vax. Outside of that commonality, there's little reason for them to be especially close the way they are with other members of the party; if there was, they’d have been close at any point throughout the previous 114 episodes.
Beau and Jester form a stronger friendship in Campaign 2, but they seem to understand just enough about each other to get along well while not being able to truly see each other. Jester is cheerful and goofy by nature, but she also projects that particular image in order to make the people around her happy and keep them together. While she will speak her mind, she doesn’t tend to stand at one end or the other of the ideological and political spectrum of issues faced by the Nein and is simply happy to have an adventure and sow some chaos. Even when having difficulties with the Traveler, Jester is willing to work through it and find a solution that works for both of them in order to preserve the relationship.
Beau, meanwhile, approaches the world abrasively and aggressively and is a bit too prepared to burn bridges with people if she thinks they aren’t worth it. While she recognizes the nuances of the conflict between the Empire and the Dynasty, she’s ultimately loyal to the Cobalt Soul’s mission of using knowledge to fight corruption. She’s perfectly happy to butt heads with Caleb or Fjord or Molly if she thinks they’re in the wrong, and her cut-your-losses mentality puts her in conflict with how important the Traveler is to Jester.
This difference is thrown into especially sharp relief not only by how they deal with their respective fathers, but also the response they think the other should have. Jester wants to reconnect with the Gentleman and for him to repair his and Marion’s relationship, while Beau has fully written off Thoreau and has no interest in reconciling. Jester is upset at Beau’s suggestion that she just forget her dad and not put effort into someone who won’t do the same for her, while Beau is less than impressed with Jester’s suggestion that Thoreau really does care about her and it might be worth it to patch things up, and the upshot of it all is that the way everything plays out makes it clear that both of them have badly misread the other’s situation.
Beau, like Keyleth before her, doesn’t seem to understand that Jester is masking a lot of insecurities and wants someone to see her for who she is and not an idealized version of her; Jester actually stops confiding in Beau after Beau tells her she doesn’t need Artagan and that she’s the actual god. Jester, meanwhile, is unwilling to set aside her dreams and fantasies and is at her happiest when she can roam and adventure freely, something for which Beau would not set aside her responsibilities and beliefs in the mission of the Cobalt Soul. They’re still good friends, but going their separate ways is a benefit to both of them.
And now we have Imogen and Laudna, whose relationship felt lacking well before it became romantic. A lot of time and energy has been spent by multiple people trying to articulate exactly why that is, and there are many reasons—Laudna’s concept seems better-suited to a short form narrative and it took about 60 episodes for her character to stop feeling entirely superfluous; the relationship lacks any substantive conflict or disagreement and the supportiveness feels more like a mutual security blanket; they seem to have little in the way of an actual dynamic outside of melodramatic plot moments. But the relevant issue here is that Laudna is, for all intents and purposes, a yes-woman who supports whatever Imogen wants to do simply because Imogen wants it (a trait that notably does not carry over to anyone else in the party—she is completely unafraid to delve into negative emotions and traits with Ashton and Orym, both of whom are played by people Marisha has historically worked with to produce some of the best relationship dynamics on the show). If Imogen wants to run off and live in a cottage or join the Vanguard or commune with Predathos or not commune with Predathos, Laudna will uncritically encourage her no matter what, because per Marisha’s words on the Laudna playlist, “Laudna will protect and attack anyone who tries to fuck with her girl”. Part of Laudna’s core concept, baked in from the beginning, is the belief that Imogen “deserves the world”. Between these two players, the one who enjoys conflict is playing a character who will do everything in her power to shield and soothe the character being played by the one who hates conflict. The result feels less like a healthy supportive relationship and more like a recipe for enablement.
When episode 77 came out, I commented that for the first time I actually started to feel something—anything at all—about Imogen and Laudna, and it’s because I started to get a sense that there might be some real potential for tension and tragedy. And now—between Laudna imploring Imogen to move on from her if she dies, Marisha seeming to suggest at one point that Laudna may not have a future at all, Imogen admitting that she’s outright disgusted by Delilah, the disconnect between the players’ approaches to conflict, Imogen (and Laura, out of character) being shocked and horrified by Laudna absorbing the soul of the Willmaster, and Laudna now intentionally working with Delilah in order to protect Imogen—I’m starting to wonder if their relationship may indeed be on a collision course.
Now this could end in multiple interesting ways: Imogen could be driven away from Laudna, who is slowly consumed by Delilah; Laudna could choose to sacrifice herself to end Delilah for good and Imogen is forced to move on; Imogen and Laudna could Thelma and Louise their way off a cliff; or maybe someone just points out how unhealthy this all is and they start to be more honest and less codependent and their relationship improves after a lot of hard work. But something has to happen.
Laura and Marisha have, multiple times now, been asked questions about Imogen and Laudna’s relationship that they have answered with varying degrees of “we never really talked about it”, sometimes referring to in-game conversations and sometimes not, and that is both unsurprising and a bad sign of things to come. I don’t know exactly how much out-of-game conversation happened between previous canon relationships that Laura and Marisha have played, but this one desperately needs it—because for three straight campaigns, all we’ve seen is every indication that these are two players who are uniquely ill-suited to play a romance the way either of them would want to.
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aita for telling someone they're a horrible person and making them relapse?
trigger warning: self-harm, suicide(?)
so im, like many teenagers online, an avid participant of fandom spaces and my current favorite is genshin impact. if you've ever interacted with the genshin fandom you may guess where this is going but i happened to find myself liking a ship that is the big nono ship in this fandom (aka the incest ship, kaeluc) but since i mostly stick to my space and don't really interact with anyone that doesn't already have content of this ship on their account id never gotten into any hot water over it.. until recently.
this person, ill call them rick, suddenly liked a bunch of my (non-ship related) posts. normal interaction, i didn't think anything of if and moved on. (i didn't even notice at the time, but they unliked all of the posts before what happened next, i assume as they realized i was a proshipper and didn't want to associate with me.) next thing i know, the same user is in my askbox, sending me the most vile, hate filled messages i have ever seen.
ok... no biggie. i delete the asks, block them and move on with my life. but it doesn't stop. i had never in my whole life received hate online, but now for the first time ever, i had a dedicated hater, sending me anonymous asks at all times of the day. death threats, dox threats, telling me to kill myself, calling me a degenerate and all that, all with the same consistent writing style. now, one could say that maybe this wasn't rick, and maybe not even all the same person but i really feel like this is the only reasonable explanation considering i have like 6 followers and my most famous post has 3 notes. i don't think im important enough to have that many haters.
so, i did the only thing i could think to do: turned off anon asks. then the asks started coming from random throwaway accounts. ok...turned off asks. then it was dms. turned those off too. THE FUCKING COMMENT SECTIONS OF MY POSTS.
dedication isn't enough to describe this. at this point it's actually becoming distressing to me and im considering closing my whole account cause i just wanna get away from all this. im 16, i don't have the mental capacity to spend all day policing my social media because someone wants me to die for liking fictional incest.
so i very reluctantly unblock rick and send them a dm. i very gently ask if they are the person who has been sending me asks/dms/etc and if they are, if they could please stop because it's become genuinely distressing to me and i just want to be silly on a website. they block me.
alright, im now out of options. everything on my profile is blocked at this point and i don't even want to post anything else so i just kind of leave the account behind for a while. when i come back, i discover that someone HACKED into the account and defaced the whole thing (changed pfp, deleted posts etc etc) so now im genuinely bummed. i go to rick's profile and guess who has been unblocked? i ask them if they can please answer my question. they don't answer but instead tell me i deserve everything ive gotten and i should choke for all they care.
i tell them they're a terrible person and go absolutely off the rails like the dumb, upset teenager i am. i didn't say anything particularly horrible (mostly i just tell them about how awful they've made me feel over fictional shit that really doesn't matter and how i just wanted peace) but i definetely wouldn't like to receive a message like that. and rick didn't either, because they blocked me.
well, since im sure you're wondering where this comes in, here's where i kind of feel like an asshole:
i continued to stalk rick's account on a different blog (because i was bitter. ok?) and they've been posting about how they relapsed into self harm because of a message they received from a stranger and how they've been crying non-stop and this is the worst relapse they've had in years and etc etc and i just got this pit in my stomach. this person's bio says they're 15! i don't want to ever be the reason a fifteen year old is hurting themselves! i've been feeling like a piece of shit ever since (esp since i also deal with sh) and i just feel like the worse person ever. i honestly don't know if i was just acting like anyone else and this was an unfortunate consequence or if i need to go pray for god to forgive my sins or something.
aita?
What are these acronyms?
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The Neverland Curse
Summary: MC is on the receiving end of a strong curse. They've been reverted back to a child until they can earn a meaningful memory from each of those they care about. It's up to the Demon Brothers & co. to care for them until then.
Cw: de-aging, demon bros being demons, MC being a Chaotic child lol
Chapter List: Prologue 1 <2> 3 4 5
Taglist: @avatarofstars @letsblazewolf @your-next-daydream
Not proofread, feel free to lmk of any mistakes
Diavolo was, in fact, not scary. Just... reeaally loud. I covered my ears as his laugh boomed for the 100th time since he arrived. Lucifer was trying to explain everything despite Diavolo's intrigue at my "current state"... whatever that was.
After a few more minutes of this going on, his face finally got serious.
"As amusing as this is, cursed books are meant to be in a separate room in the library. Very few have a key. I'll have to figure out who's negligence caused this..." He patted Lucifer's shoulder and smiled. "I'll trust they will remain safe in your care?"
"My Lord," Barbatos, who I was introduced to earlier, cut in. "Is it wise to let them continue attending RAD in this state? A grown human is one thing, but a child is another. Not even mentioning the subject matter is well above their mental capacity right now."
Diavolo stopped in thought. The brothers seemed to wait anxiously for his verdict. I looked around in confusion, hoping anyone would would give an explanation. It quickly became clear this conversation was 𝘈𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘮𝘦 rather than 𝘍𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦.
I played with the tassels on my clothes while Diavolo motioned Levi over. Quietly listening but not fully interested in the adult conversation.
"Leviathan, there are days you take online classes rather than attend, correct? Is there anyway we could set that up with the elementary level classes as well?"
Levi nodded and glanced over to me. "I mean, that's simple. Will their grades still affect them though? I mean, with the curse in effect we won't know how they'll do."
Diavolo pondered this. "Slack will definitely be alloted for their mental age right now but I read that structure is essential in human children. More so than Demon Younglings."
With that, Lucifer began assigning tasks to each of his brothers. I felt myself lifted into the air and looked behind me to see who it was.
"Bee!" I grinned and hugged him tight, kicking my feet lightly. His twin moved behind him and tapped my nose.
"Looks like we got babysitting duty, Beel." Beelzebub nodded at his brother's words.
I heard Asmo shriek for them to wait as the duo carried me up the stairs.
"I need their measurements. Lucifer's sending me shopping for clothes. You can't possibly expect them to stay in that uniform the whole time. " he scoffed, holding my arm out next to some measuring tape.
"Already? I mean, we'll likely break the curse soon. Is a shopping spree really necessary?" Belphie rolled an eye, receiving a glare from the queen of fashion himself.
Besides the dirty look, Asmo ignored him and began fussing over me. Beel stubbornly refused to put me down, making the whole process ten times harder. It was all too much.
Asmo finally finished his task after a few agonizing moments of being measured and quizzed on my favorite colors. I squirmed in Beel's hold to be let down.
"Bee, down please..." I asked, finally being released. Once we got to the top of the stairs, I took off as fast as my legs can carry me. Finally I could explore!
"No ya don't." Belphie grabbed my arm, keeping me next to the two.
"No faiiiir," I whined. He flicked the back of my head playfully, causing me to give him the biggest meanie look I could muster.
"This place is big. You could get lost."
Beel nodded in agreement and knelt down to my level. "We can give you a tour, but you gotta at least stay in the same room as us. No running off until you get a feel for this place."
I grinned and wiggled my way out of Belphie's grasp. "I won't! I promise!"
The tour was fun, but the twins had a way of hovering over me that soured my mood. My every step was directed as if I'd get hurt if their eyes were off of me for a single second.
"There's a lot of stairs here? Think you can make it?" Beel asked, offering to carry me. I leaned over and looked up the winding staircase before pointing up.
"Where we going?"
"Up there's the attic. It's where we... er, Beel and I usually hang out." Belphie chimed in. "Last stop on the tour, then we'll show you your room."
I nodded and reached up to be carried by Beel. Stairs are hard.
The attic looked like the coziest room ever. My eyes flicked around the room before landing on the massive-
"PILLOW FORT!" I shrieked, kicking my legs til Bee put me down. I sprinted towards it and flopped down onto the pillow fort bed. I feel a weight on the mattress and look up, grinning at the twins.
"You like it?"
"Mhm!" I nodded eagerly. Belphie rested his hand on top of my head, holding the other behind his back.
I peered around him curiously before leaning back due to a soft object placed over my face. My expression made the two laugh as it took me a moment to realize what happened.
In Belphie's hand was a fluffy stuffed bear, with purple fur and galaxy ears.
"You wanna borrow this?"
I nodded eagerly and reached out for it. Belphie gave a shit eating grin and held it above my head.
"Hmmm..." He contemplated in mock thought. "Still not sure if you should."
Frustrated at the object of my desire being held up too high, my eyes began to well up, and I gave the biggest pleading look I could muster. While Belphie wasn't as easily swayed from his teasing attitude, Beel certainly was.
He reached up and took it from his twin. "Just let them have it. No need to taunt them."
Belphie rolled his eyes and flopped back onto a pile of pillows with a yawn. "Alright, Beel. Ya softie."
I hugged the plush tightly, happy with the first toy I've seen in this big house. Beel smiled at me after looking away from his brother.
"You know, I got that for Belphie but I don't think he ever gave it a name..."
Belphie, with his eyes closed, let out a "nope" popping the "p".
"So do you want do name it?"
I looked at the bear in deep thought. This was a very important job of the highest honor.
Taking a deep breath, I made my proclamation. "His name is Bloo!"
I heard a snort from Belphie but couldn't tell if it was an asleep or awake noise. Beel seemed to approve, though, much to my happiness.
"It's fitting." He leaned over to shake Belphie, who was now letting out quiet snores. "We should probably go show them their room."
Belphie huffed and turned over in a stubborn manner. I scooted closer and poked his cheek.
"Wake uuuppp! It's not bedtime!" I said before glancing at the window. Just then, did I realize how dark it was outside. "Wait, is it?"
Beel took a moment to sort through why I was confused. He seemed to have realized as he took my hand and guided me to the window. "Nope. It's not night yet. It's just always dark here."
I blinked in confusion. Always dark? Sounds scary.
"It gets darker, though later on."
"Darker? But it's already nighttime!" I struggled to wrap my head around what he was saying. How is there a place with no daytime? It sounded silly.
He cracked a smile and scratched his head, seemingly wondering about something.
"Don't laugh!" I huffed. Now he was just being a meanie by teasing me.
"...He's not lying." A new voice sounded behind me. I turned around to see Lucifer in the doorway. "I figured you two would bring them here."
"Don't make fun of me toooo" I whined, upset he was joining in on the joke.
"I'm not." he assured, kneeling next to me. "I guess it'll be harder to walk you through it this way."
He pinched the bridge of his nose in concentration. "The place we live in doesn't have a sun. I guess only remembering the human wor-"
He stopped himself short and scanned my face with his eyes. "I mean, where you come from has a sun and moon cycle. This place doesn't."
Instead of trying to understand, I focused on his fumble. "Human world?" I giggled. "You mean earth, silly. I thought grown-ups were smart."
Lucifer looked up at Beel before sighing. "I'll explain later. Have they shown you to your room?"
I shook my head. "Bee said we can go there last."
Beel reached under my arms and lifted me to his hip. He always seemed to want to carry me. Not that I minded... until he took forever to let me down again.
Lucifer looked at the sleeping Belphie in the pile of pillows and rolled his eyes. "Figured that might happen."
He sounded irritated, but his expression betrayed him, showing he wasn't really all that bothered. We started down the stairs and down a long hallway. This place seemed like a maze to me. It's no wonder the twins didn't want me running off alone yet.
"This room is yours. If you forget, you can ask anyone here, " He said, opening the door. "Hell knows it's become the new common room since your arrival"
He muttered the second part under his breath and I didn't catch much of it, not that I cared once I saw my room.
I took a deep breath and shrieked. "THERE'S A TREE IN MY ROOM!"
Beel winced at my volume, considering I was right next to his ear. I wiggled out of his grasp for the umpteenth time and ran up to it, touching it to see if it was real. My jaw dropped once I realized it was. I bet nobody else in the whole world got to have a real tree in the middle of their room.
I heard Lucifer huff a tiny laugh at my reaction while Beel smiled and sat on the plush bed.
"It was actually put in here specifically for you. You're used to more oxygen." Lucifer explained, "We weren't sure how you would adapt to here. Plus, it's native where you're from, so we figured it'd be a reminder of home."
His big words only confused me more, so I tuned them out and cradled Bloo to my chest with one arm while the other picked a leaf off the tree. This was the coolest room ever.
"Hungry." Beel mumbled, glancing up at Lucifer. The latter dismissed him.
"Asmodeus should be home soon. Do you have any more questions?" Lucifer asked, walking up behind me and placing a hand on my shoulder.
I racked my brain. I had a lot of questions, but there were too many to choose from. Where was my family? How did I get lost in the library? And why did I now have a room here?
Lucifer's gaze was too analytical of my expression for me to feel okay with asking all of them. My thumb prodded at my mouth while I shook my head.
"Nu uh."
The door swung open once the words left my mouth.
"Oh (MC)!" Asmo flitted into the room, multiple bags on his arms. He placed the bags down on the floor and reached in, holding up a shirt my size. "Ready for your fashion show?"
Uh oh...
I'm officially in for it.
#heres chapter two#hope you all enjoy#obey me#obey me shall we date#omswd#obey me agere#omswd agere#agere fic#de aging fic
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Lately I'm hearing a lot about PDA and autism (PDA = pathological demand avoidance) and it's very good that people become more aware of it and are able to learn more about their own needs. However i often see it framed as like a type of autism, as in PDA autism that's just this thing that happens randomly.
But it isn't just a flavour of autism or something that comes from who-knows-what, it's a trauma response. To having forced yourself to do so much shit that goes against your needs, to feeling like you have to/having to force yourself to do things that go over your capacity, that disregard your needs and do harm to you. Including things where people don't even know their own needs and can't communicate them.
It's a trauma response caused by a lack of autonomy and accommodations (from yourself for whatever reason and your environment). To the point where having to do anything, hearing any demand causes this message of doom to your nervous system
And there is a very simple but not easy solution to it, with the potential of even a cure: Do not force yourself to do anything until your nervous system has healed. Now this is very hard to be able to do, which is the difficult part, because most of us aren't in an environment where we can do that, often have to work etc to survive and don't have people support us for a few years while we do not acquiesce to any demand. Additionally, many of us don't even know how to honor our needs because we trampled all over them for years, were forced to mask them and might not even know what they are or how to recognise them in ourselves.
A possible way to at least some healing of our nervous system is getting to know our needs and working on meeting them better, to try and build down the mask and only conciously use it where necessary but for example not at home or in a safe space, and try to have as many safe spaces to unmask as possible. You might only be able to start while completely alone but even that helps. Another point is decomposition time, soup time as i call it. Where we take however much time we have available, preferably at least a couple days, whenever we can, and do not force ourselves to do anything, even hobbies or getting out of pyjamas, except staying alive, and just drift like driftwood. This also massively helps with autistic burnout.
One additional tipp to recognising our suppressed needs and wants is that when you think "Oh i want this" but immediately shut yourself down: try to recognise this happening and ask yourself "Why can't i do this?" and if you don't have a good reason why not, try doing the thing you want. Might be something as simple as a juice packet or be some leftover rule from childhood. Similar for "I don't look forward to that": if you don't have a reason why you have to do it, and do it exactly this way, consider not doing it. For example you don't have to go to an outing you are very uncomfortable at. You don't have to do the dishes a certain way even tho it's awful sensory wise. Try finding those small impulses and listening to them. It gets easier over time.
This PDA trauma response is also one of the factors of executive dysfunction. Especially for things like when we can't even do our own hobbies or plans we had that we enjoy. Other reasons for executive dysfunction are difficulty transition tasks, sensory issues that make us avoid a task, pending decisions related to the tasks, unknown elements of a task, or not wanting to interrupt the current activity such as listening to music or watching a show (especially since these are big tools for escapism and distraction/coping to keep emotional distress at bay or otherwise aid in emotional regulation).
Btw this whole essay is built on my own experiences, i am not a psychologist or professionally qualified in some other way. So do take this with some critical thinking as my sources are "it's in my head" and we should never take (mental) health advice on the internet without thinking about whether it makes sense and applies to us, and do additional research if any questions or doubts or further thoughts come up.
#own post#if i need to go to the toilet or get a glass of water but i don't want to do it if i have to stop my show then i will just take it with me#even if i watch it on the laptop and not my phone i will just haul the laptop to the bathroom for two minutes#can highly recommend#i have had this issue with forcing myself to do things made so much more poignant because i also became physically disabled but would force#myslef to push through it and hide it from ny surroundings as well. it made me quickly realise my limits tho#and i had the opportunity to not fulfill many demands thanks to my parents and the free time of semester breaks#and unmasking at about the same time#so this whole post speaks from personal experience
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When positive affirmation culture can have negative effects
There was a time when I decided to try this whole reality shifting thing because if there's one thing I will do, it's try random shit for the absolute hell of it. (And with the way I can get fixated on Current Events and spiral into obsessing over whether I'm Doing Enough even though my mental and physical health is absolutely tanking, I need to give myself regular distractions.)
So by "reality shifting," I mean that thing where people go to bed and try to hypnotize themselves into experiencing a "desired reality." This often included popular fictional settings like Harry Potter, My Hero Academia, or the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Of course, I wasn't buying into the wackier pseuodoscientific claims that some of the more... cultish people in this movement were making. However, I had full faith that people were experiencing something.
So I did everything people said to do. I created a DR, I used various shifting methods, I used subliminals and affirmations, and...
Well, not a lot happened.
I was easily able to reach the first "shifting symptom" of feeling floaty, but beyond that? Not much happened. Whenever I reached the point where I "should" have entered my DR, my brain would careen wildly into... something, anything else.
I kept at it for months. Again, I had full faith that these techniques would give me results similar to what other people were reporting. I had no reason in the world to think that this would be a thing that I, in particular, wouldn't experience.
I talked to other people about my problems shifting and many of them suggested things like listening to subliminals with affirmations in them, reciting positive affirmations, and all that. In other words, they'd made up their minds that this was a faith issue, and they couldn't see how this could possibly be anything else.
Hey, so remember that thing where I said that I can obsess over whether or not I'm doing enough? Yeah, this stuff low-key fed that particular anxiety. I was anxious that I just wasn't trying hard enough somehow, even though I was doing everything exactly right.
It was a source of stress, sadness, and self-hate.
Finally I had to step back and say, "No. There's nothing wrong with what I'm doing. There's nothing wrong with my mindset. The issue is my brain isn't wired or chemically balanced for this."
Well what do you know, the self-hate and stress went away.
You know what I've found? Big grandiose affirmations aren't shit compared to simply allowing for the possibility that a thing could happen, while also accepting that it might not, and accepting that the journey, the experience, is ultimately more important than the final outcome. Because when you do this, you give yourself permission to go for it, and you give yourself the capacity to not hold it against yourself if things don't work out.
Because not everything is a faith issue and believing that it is, is incredibly toxic. You will hurt yourself. You will hurt people around you. I grew up in a church that tried to make everything a faith issue, and that shit was so, so toxic. It was spiritual abuse.
Sometimes you can have faith the size of a mountain, and that mustard seed still isn't gonna budge.
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Elliot x GN! Reader pt 2 Hangover
Pt. 1
The morning came and left with Elliot, he woke up around noon, his head aching from the night before, he rolled over with a groan, the light from the summer afternoon streaming into his home and it was far too bright for his liking.
Elliots vision focused onto a cup of water by his bedside table and some Tylenol beside it, there was a note beside it but he currently did not have the mental capacity to read it at the moment, the hungover writer drank the water with the Tylenol and heard a knock on the door.
"Go away." He whined out, putting the glass on the table.
The door opened anyway, and Harvey came in with a medical bag.
"Figured I'd check up on you after last night." Harvey says coming to sit on Elliots' bed, Elliot groaned but moved himself to sit up.
"Just a headache," Elliot groans out "and nausea, nothing unusual."
Harvey chuckled and pulled out an everything bagel and some tomato sauce from his bag.
"It'll help," he says "though I'd recommend the sauna after everything you and Shane did last night."
Elliot felt himself panic, a flash image of (y/n) came into his brain, carrying him home, then the farmer laying him down and then…
"What happened last night?" Elliot asked a slight tremor in his voice
"Well.." Harvey began, "you and Shane were singing and dancing through the whole Saloon, after a while I took Shane home and (y/n) took you home and according to them you had some very interesting things to say."
FUCK
Elliot felt like his heart was going to explode, he reached for the note beside the water and read it.
"Hey Elliot, I hope this will help make you feel better, and don't worry about last night, you were drunk and I'll forget about everything you said. Promise.
Xoxo Farmer (y/n)."
"Harvey." Elliot said, "Did (y/n) say anything about what I said to them?"
Elliot handed Harvey the note and Harvey felt his lower jaw drop.
"Elliot it wasn't anything bad."
"Specifics Harvey please!"
"Just that you were happy they were with you at night and that them being here with you was all you wanted."
Elliot felt himself sink lower into the bed, Harvey quickly tried to reassure his friend.
"It's not anything bad really, it's not a big deal."
"It is a big deal." Elliot said, "It's true, that's all I want to do is be with them."
"We'll go ahead and let them know tomorrow, Harvey said closing his bag, "you're gonna need res-"
Elliot ran out of the cabin straight into town, pausing near a lamp post ( only because his head was spinning)
Harvey was running after him, quite certain that he would either pass out on the way or vomit. Maybe both.
Elliot turned and saw Harvey coming towards him, in a panic he ran away, past the bus stop and saw the farm coming into view.
"(Y/N)!" Elliot yelled.
(Y/n)s dog perked his head up at the sound of Elliots voice, the movement caused the farmer to pause planting and wait another moment to hear what their dog was listening for.
"(Y/N)!"/ The voice yelled again.
"Elliot?" The farmer said to themselves, then out of the trees, Elliot appeared a panting and sickly looking mess.
"Elliot, what are you doing here?" (Y/n) asked rushing towards him, "you look like you need to be in bed."
"I had to tell you something." Elliot panted.
The farmer led them to a nearby bench and sat down with him.
"I meant what I said." Elliot gasped. "I want to be with you, I think about it so much that it's embarrassing."
The farmer blushed and Elliot took their hands in his, he brought them both to his lips and kissed their knuckles.
Suddenly Harvey came through the trees panting. The two on the bench and the dog on the porch looked at the disheveled man.
"You!" Harvey said pointing at Elliot. "Get to bed and rest!"
"I'm feeling spectacular Doctor." Elliot said, his gaze then shifted to you, "at least now I am."
(Y/n) gave Elliot a soft smile and got up from the bench and held out their hands to help him up which he readily accepted.
"Let's get you home so you can rest." Dr. Harvey said.
"Doctor don't you get it." Elliot said, "I am home."
(Y/n) gave his hand a gentle squeeze, Harvey rolled his eyes and said.
"Ok but seriously you need to get to bed, you're looking green."
"Yup got it." Elliot said.
#elliot x reader#elliot x farmer#stardew elliott#elliot x reader stardew valley#elliot stardew valley#sdv elliot#sdv#stardew fanfiction#stardew farmer#stardew valley#stardew#x reader
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Threatening to kill yourself because someone doesn't want to be with you/is happy with someone else (which is abusive and usually not the only time someone is abusive), and then crying abandonment because they decided they no longer wanted to deal with the emotional labor of trying to keep someone they don't like alive just to live guilt free, is manipulative AF. People don't have to stick around to make sure you're okay, they are not obligated to go out of their way to make sure you get the help you need. If you're a danger to their health then it doesn't matter that you're also a danger to your own health. The fact that you don't care at all about them but think they should continue to prioritize someone (you) who has hurt them enough to want to leave, just because you're suicidal now, is a pretty big tell-tale sign of how you view mental health as a whole and it makes you even more dangerous to be around, because you genuinely think mental unwellness is a jail free card that ties people to you through moral obligations no matter what you've done or how you've hurt them. It's the oldest trick in the book to being mentally abusive. If your argument is anywhere close to "we broke up but you left when I was threatening my life so you're the bad guy" then I don't trust you or your side of the story. Let me hear the kinda bullshit you put them through that made someone who loved you so much not even do a double take to your threatening, fear mongering behavior.
I'm not saying you aren't suicidal but you need to go bug trained professionals about it, not some random person going through a severe case of compassion fatigue. Because here's the thing, when you're desperately digging for that type of attention to the point you're threatening your own life, regular people won't know the right words to make you feel better and almost anything they say might piss you off because you're currently in fight or flight mode and can't handle rationality during this point anyway. So stop pushing these expectations on people who are ill equipped to handle it, unless they know a thing or two about psychology and have the mental capacity. That's why trained professionals EXIST to begin with. Not only are you being abusive but you're in general a really ableist dick hole by using mental health as a weapon to force people to stay and take care of you, regardless of THEIR mental capacities and how they feel about you. You just don't threaten suicide because someone doesn't fucking love you or want you anymore.
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I officially Have Job Now (still in the process of getting a bank account because the past 6 years of my life have been an almost comical series "we'll get to it later" moments but at least I can rest easy enough knowing my hours are gonna be compensated when it's possible) but I'm still in a creative and artistic rut that I very much wish to solve with the metaphorical equivalent of being bashed in the head with a shovel to get on with it.
I'll be transparent here and say that art has been hard for me the past few months. Between frequent downward spirals of self doubt over my creative and technical capacity, and just general inability to muster the desire to do art despite the ever-looming dread of not doing art... I've had lower points in my creative journey but I've sure as hell had higher. Not dissimilar is my broader mental state, where I've been generally fine but subject myself to existential spirals when dwelling on something as simple as having a big cavity in one of my molars and no immediate access to dental care at the moment. This isn't meant to be a pity post, genuinely I don't have much to complain about right now, it's just the same sort of mental (and in some respects physical) issues I've been dealing with for a while now. It's just more poignant now when I don't really have much of a satisfying "distraction" in the form of doing stuff creatively.
Currently there's only a few "projects" (feels like I'm giving myself too much credit with that terminology) I really can commit much thought to lately, both of which, either luckily or predictably, I've gone into at least some depth publicly on this blog. Fortunately for what I assume is the majority of my follower base, both are based around Overwatch.
The Role Requeue AU is a very fun "project" for me (again, feels wrong to call it a "project" when it's something meant strictly for the concept phase, even just a workshop mode is beyond the scope of realism). It scratches all my itches for something fun to think about: no pressure to make it a "finalized product", the opportunity to conceptually tinker around with mechanics I'm both thoroughly familiar with and interesting in exploring beyond their official scope, and most importantly, people to share ideas to and even collaborate with! Seriously, I know it's almost certainly less than a handful of people who've even seen any of the posts on it, but the response so far has me beyond ecstatic. The greatest gift an artist can receive in my opinion is a "yes, and" to their work, and I'm extremely grateful that Role Requeue (shoot, down to even that name being a suggestion too good to pass up) has already inspired such.
The only technical restraint on Role Requeue is me sitting down and writing a long tumblr post, so once I have the time (as soon as tomorrow mayhaps?) I'll try and get another one out. I still have some specifics I want to sort out, but Symmetra, Sombra, and "Ashe" are all contenders for being the next one to get a post.
So that leaves the other project I've been able to work on at least to some extent lately: my original hero shooter concept, (still under the working title) War Bots. For those who weren't around or otherwise missed the intro, it's a team based shooter starring a cast of robot characters in a post-human earth, fighting against either another team of player-controlled bots or a ravenous horde of sentient, mutant plant creatures. The "game" (again, very much in the concept phase) takes heavy inspiration from both Overwatch and its precursor in the subgenre, Team Fortress 2. The general gameplay design of the cast takes inspiration more from OW, while the larger team sizes and loadout system are ideas from TF2.
If you're wondering why both of my creative projects I really have any ideas for right now are directly because of Overwatch, it's because. well hate to admit it but it's the most consistent thing I've played all year. Arguably the past 5 years or so, save for when the pre-OW2 content famine was really starting to hit and I finally gave TF2 a try myself in the meantime (didn't like actually playing it as much, sorry). But especially now with the steam release actually working on my PC, which the battle.net version frequently failed at, it's been my defacto "I don't know what to do right now" time waster, and to me at least it's fun enough to where I still haven't gotten sick of it. It doesn't help that my actual other biggest inspiration for War Bots, Bloons TD 6 (yes really) is my number 2 pick for that niche, and I honestly don't play games that much lately aside from multiplayer stuff or streams (yes I stream I need to make a pinned post linking my stuff).
So, I got Overwatch on the brain, and when my brain has something on it, its general reaction is to try and put my own spin on it, hence the creation of the "Overwatch but different" AU and "Overwatch but not" the video game coming to somewhere you can buy video games eventually hopefully one day please. I play fighting games I come up with a fighting game, I like superheroes I make my own, I like the funny colorful character-based shooters I make notes for how I wanna do it myself.
War Bots is in an awkward spot though, because I already gave myself a hard cap for how much I wanna think ahead for a game so early in development that the sole developer doesn't even have a game making engine installed on their PC yet. The loadout system is meant to allow for a smaller roster, saving time on creating completely new characters with their models and animations and lore and so on, while potentially allowing for an even further variety of functional playstyles than what'd be possible with an exclusively character-based system like Overwatch. You don't need Soldier 76, Bastion, Widowmaker, and Ashe all existing separately with broadly similar weapon types, just one "rifle guy" with four different options for their main weapon.
Despite that, I love making characters too dang much and made a version of the roster with up to 25 characters. I since reconsidered, picking the characters I actually saw potential in, making sure to avoid redundancies that couldn't be resolved, and now have a cast of 15 or 20, ideally launching with 15 and adding 5 more post-release. A roster of 25 and possibly even beyond wouldn't be impossible after that, but I want to limit the scope of what I was considering at this point. I like the cap of 20 because my current idea is that the PvP mode is played in 10v10, and each of the game's 5 roles (Damage, Control, Tank, Utility, Support) would have four characters, while also letting a standard match (if desired) have exactly one of each character on the field at once. This pleases me. At the moment though, I have 3 characters for Damage, 4-ish for Control, 2 for Tank (shocking, I know), 3 for Utility, one guy who could either be Tank or Utility, and 4 for Support but I'm admittedly not as keen on one of them at this point. This leaves roughly 4 or 5 slots in the roster left for what I want to realistically consider right now, some of which I have ideas for based on prior iterations of the roster, but I'm still not settled on something super satisfying yet.
For now, I'm focusing more on polishing the loadout system and the alternate weapons for each character, trying to get as much out of the characters I've already established before I move onto jotting down new ones in my notes. I did however hit a snag, because the system divides your loadout into three different interchangeable options: Weapon, Body, and Accessory. The weapon is your main means of attack and (broadly speaking) determines your primary and secondary fire. The Body meanwhile refers to some interchangeable part of the robot's body that grants them unique abilities, typically aiding in mobility. In Overwatch terms this is "Ability 1", or Shift in default keyboard binding terms, while also potentially carrying a passive ability. Accessories are comparable to Splatoon's sub weapons, generally some kind of throwable thing that provides a burst of utility at the cost of limited availability, in this case a longer cooldown than your Body ability or requiring a special pickup on the map to regain faster, or possibly being limited by a character-specific resource. This is the equivalent to OW's "Ability 2" or "E" ability. The snag here was that each part of the 3-part system was given 4 variants, a default or "stock" option and three unlockables that take the basic concept and replace it with an alternative that provides unique functionality. The problem was that especially with the "Body" options, it was hard to come up with meaningful alternatives for every slot for every character without feeling redundant. My compromise was that while Weapons get 3 unlocks, Body equipment and Accessories only get 2 unlocks, unless I feel a special exception warrants it. I may deem a character would get more value out of more Body or Accessory options rather than main weapons, or if I have a really good idea for an extra of something.
oh and also semi recently I decided that reserve ammo should be a mechanic, but then I realized that doesn't work unless every character has an infinitely usable melee attack that can function without reserve ammo (and is also more robust than OW's piddly little mostly universal quick melee attack), but I don't want to make a whole fourth slot for each character for melee weapons, but otherwise I don't know what'd determine the properties of your melee attack if anything deviates it from the default, and also are melee weapon attacks always available or do they require switching off of your actual weapon, but does that make sense for the characters who'd logically just smack with their normal weapon, like does the wizard guy just hold their staff differently for a "melee stance", but also thinking is hard.
So between the partial downsizing of the Loadout system, the need to put "uses reserve ammo" or "doesn't require reserve ammo" in all of my notes for each character's weapon, and the need to figure out melee attacks/weapons, I have to do some very meticulous updates to my current notes, which doesn't make for a super exciting prospect. Hey, at least I can think of funny things for these goobers to smack people with!
I do actually have an art now, though it's not my most flattering work. Had some ideas for alternate weapons for Yanno, the explosives aficionado with a dragon-shaped fireworks launcher for a hand I shared in an earlier post. The eagle launcher rewards precise aim and improves your aerial capabilities, the hydra launcher unleashes multiple rockets at a time, and the shark cannon fires big, arcing bombs that roll on the ground before detonating momentarily after. Very obviously taking heavy inspiration from a certain other flying explosive enthusiast for a couple of these, and the shark cannon exists entirely to avoid needing a separate character just for a grenade launcher guy when rockets are already such a similar weapon type.
So uh.
...I had a point I think.
art hard but I wanna do it more. this was a rant post but got devoured in word count by War Bots so uh. oops if you don't care about that.
I think I feel better now? remind me when I get up though to make a post linking my twitch and youtube.
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"Oh, Jack. You silly boi. You know that help at the top of the stairs is no help at all."
---
Art piece i may delete later about my parents offering money to me and my sisters to pay for either grad school (a thing I don't want and can't do with my disability) or my wedding (also a thing I don't need/want), but not for anything that would actually help me escape poverty and find stable housing and income.
Like, I recognize the privilege of being able to complain that my parents have offered me a bunch of money but in the wrong way.
But also if that money is on top of a flight of stairs that I can't climb (but my sisters can), then I haven't really been offered money, so much as I have watched money I need be placed somewhere I can't reach it. Which tbh feels worse than if it was never mentioned to me in the first place.
I was gonna send this art to them and i wrote this big long message to go with it, but then I decided to wait until my therapy session on Tuesday to talk it thru with her first, since I've literally never regretted doing that.
Besides, both of my parents are lawyers and right now they're providing me and my friends with a lot of free legal advice about this property we're trying to buy together, so I don't want to rock the boat currently.
I just wish I knew if I had access to that money as a poor person in need of stable housing and quality disability care, and I wish my parents weren't world-class hLepers who have a long and triggering history of engaging me in rigorous debate about the kind of help I should be allowed to receive from them as a disabled person.
Nothing like having to provide an argument that would hold up in court every time I'm sick and need help! Love that! Love that I can't even talk about money with them now without having invasive thoughts about it for days to come due to past incidences in which this repeated behavior of theirs literally endangered my life!!
Not like I need that mental capacity for working on the largest and most exciting opportunity of my life that also happens to line up with my hopes and dreams for the future!! It's fine!! What do I even need mental capacity for anyway?????
This wouldn't even be the first time this little Distrust Fund has caused problems for my relationship with my parents. They are very opposed to that money being used to help my disability and it has caused PROBLEMS for us that we have never quite recovered from.
It's just difficult to be reminded that although our relationship has gotten better (mostly thanks to me setting boundaries), that doesn't mean they now actually believe what I need for my disability when I tell them.
They really do love me, and they have only ever acted with the best of intentions . But good intentions cease to matter when the impact is harmful and repeated. And they have proven to be repeatedly incapable of providing non-ableist support for me again and again and again. They've even genuinely tried to learn; and sometimes it really seems like my mom has made progress with her therapist (who is disabled), but who knows when I can so jarringly be reminded of how quickly that toxic ableist thinking can show its ugly face.
It's so clear to me and they don't even know it's there.
It feels like I'm in a horror movie when I try to get them to understand their own ableism, and that is a good good sign that I may want to consider an approach that minimizes my mental damage instead. Even if it means I don't get their stupid, deeply-conditional-and-yet-the-conditions-are-SO-vague-and-they-won't-admit-it money.
#original#diary#ableism#ableism cw#if they actually trusted me they'd just give me the fucking money but WHATEVER#maybe it's cause of all those times i was really reckless and irresponsible with money-- OH WAIT. THAT HAS LITERALLY NEVER FUCKING HAPPENED#I GRADUATED BUSINESS SCHOOL WITH HONORS AND HAVE NEVER HAD ISSUES WITH OVER-SPENDING#maybe they subconsciously think I'm stupid w money bc I'm poor. but i doubt my sisters could just get the whole lump sum either.#I HAVE BEEN LIVING FRUGALLY MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE YOU BASTARDS#I would say there's a 5% chance they pleasantly surprise me but I have to be careful not to spend too much energy on it#the invasive thoughts around my family's ableism are super aggressive and constant when they start#and so i would rather have no help than that stinky-ass hLep that hurts my brain and heart so bad for days after#hLep#anyway i don't want their help paying for a wedding bc i am housing insecure with no income and so is my wife#and besides that wedding planning is hard and stressful and involves either including or snubbing relatives i don't like#so like if you offer me thousands of dollars i would be like Great! More savings means more safety and security!#i would NOT be like Okay time to spend $2000 on fucking flowers I have SHIT GOING ON#if i have a wedding then the cost will be the cost of pizza for all the guests.#also govt says i can't get married or i lose my disability payments so ryan and I just decided we are married years ago#i need SO much disability care equipment that i don't have and i am unable to hold a standard full time job#but yeah sure maybe I'll go get another DEGREE despite my interests being completely non academic. fuck OFF.#i have been writing or making art about this all evening this is not how I wanted to spend the evening it is past 4am#hopefully this processing and drawing and journaling will allow me to remove this issue from the very forefront of my mind#it's a careful line to walk between processing and obsessing. but good processing helps you stop obsessing#hopefully I can save some of the more painful parts of this for therapy so I can focus on other stuff for the next couple days#listen if interacting with someone in a certain way makes you feel like you're in a horror movie then something needs to change#and sometimes the change is that we need to make literal and emotional distance between us and those people bc they aren't learning#okay okay time for edibles and a shower i fuckin earned it and even if i didn't I can do whatever I fucking want 👌#and also I deserve nice things by default#and so do you
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Hey Amy, I hope you are doing well..
I am kindly asking for advice. My Daddy and I arent really doing the best on term of mental health, nothing truly major but we are both not okay.. As a result of personal issues and my health isnt at its finest and we both have been having a hard time with the whole Palestinian war thing. Unfortunately we are in a long distance relationship, so we can't really get together and try to support or embrace one another physical wise. We do talk openly about our problems and hurting but I am not sure what more can I do for my Daddy whilst being away and not being super well myself, I kinda feel like I am not giving him or doing my best for him and its really bothering me the feeling of almost being in less service to him.
Hopefully you understand my point of view being a sub yourself.. And thank you in advance.
Hey Anon,
I'm sorry that you are both struggling. I imagine that not being able to be together in person makes that extra challenging.
It's awesome that you're talking openly about your problems so that you both know what is going on with each other.
It sounds to me like you're both doing what you can, and you're communicating about where you're at, you just are feeling like you "should" be able to give more because you typically would be able to give more. I think realistically though, you're doing what you can right now, and are having a hard time of resetting your own expectations for yourself to meet your current abilities.
It's easy to feel like if you would/could do X on another day, then you should be able to do that thing anyday. I don't know where you're from, but here in the US and in lots of other places in the world, I feel like society sort of sets us up to feel like we should be machine-like in that way. That we should be able to work 8 hours a day 5 days a week year-round, and that our 2 day weekend should be enough for us to engage in our hobbies, socialize with friends, deep clean our houses and start over fresh again each monday as reliably as clockwork. But realistically, humans don't operate like clockwork, we aren't machines, and our capacity changes day to day, week to week, etc. So if we try to maintain the same level of productiveness or emotional labor or what not, every single day and ignore our changes in our emotional energy or just energy in general, we'll end up hurting ourselves and burning out.
My guess is that if you reasonably could do 'more' to support your Daddy right now, you already would have done it...but you're in a place where just getting through the "musts" of every day like cooking and working and so on to keep your own life going is leaving you pretty spent and so you don't have "extra" to use to try to cheer him up, and the same thing for him in reverse. And that isn't a failure of you or of him or of your feelings for each other. The fact that you're keeping that open line of communication so you both are aware of what is going on is a big deal.
My advice would be to keep talking about where you're at, so that nobody has room for doubts. It may also help to outright 'confess' that you find yourself wishing you could do more for him or like you could make him feel better but you know you can't. Keep trying to take care of yourselves amd maybe double-check your daily or weekly schedules to make sure that everything you're giving your energy to currently really is essential and there really isn't any space to cut yourselves slack or give yourselves a break. If you do find that you could make space in some way like backing out of a social obligation that isn't really essential or if you have some flexibility in what is expected of you at work so you can cut back or something, that might give you more space to change that energy over into doing some form of selfcare like engaging in a hobby that can help reenergize you to eventually be able to give more to each other. But if you really don't have anything you can adjust, it may just require patience to wait on life to naturally cut you a break. Or if it's a more longterm/chronic situation where one or both of you is regularly left without anything to give, professional mental health help might be needed, or a job change or other major change might be needed so you aren't overdoing it so regularly. But from your ask it sounds more temporary.
I hope the phase passes quickly so you can get back to how you guys prefer to be able to care for each other. :)
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So I don't currently have the mental capacity to properly write anything for that apocalypse idea but I do have more thoughts for it so just. Uh. Here.
They all live inside a walled or fenced in area together collectively - Their homes start out simple and their space starts out small. It's not that they can't get creative with it but that they don't have the resources. With the mobs laying siege to them and half of them being injured, shelter in more important than aesthetic. But, you know, an apocalypse doesn't only last for a few months and eventually with all their new skills and friends they outgrow what are essentially little huts - and they know so much more. They have a library of information and people who were actually architects and engineers and - well- people have built really nice houses WITHOUT fancy architecture degrees for millennia. So they start expanding, pushing out into the forest and clearing they call home, making paddocks for their animals and big warm houses for all the couples that were together before or are together now. And, well, this kind of is their job now so they take their time. Little intricate details that dont provide anything but happiness. Handpainted murals. Designing rooms to justify 'finally making that quilt' or 'well, you know, I've always wanted a really big window for reading...' Little signs of who lives where, design elements that are only there for the happiness of the residents.
And I'm trying to thinking based on like, s9 right, who would do what. Beef would definitely be involved with the animals - he's incredibly good at wrestling the sheep for shearing and the cows don't frighten him and he finds he likes the chickens - Bdubs and Scar take on building design and building and its an interesting learning experience for both of them because Scar goes from cane user to wheelchair user and everything in between but he insists on helping build. Its a little challenge to figure out what he can help with on bads days and also convincing him to take a break because 'well today is a good day and if i don't finish it NOW I might not be able to do it tomorrow' and his friends having to learn the difference between being pushy and babying him versus like, knowing HE'S pushing himself and needs to take a break. Ren resource gathers - he learns to cultivate trees and plant them because, well they can't just infinitely cut down the forest. Cleo and Joe learn to process their animal products and make things with them - wool into felt and thread, leather into bags, rescuing things from what people elft behind and tailoring them.
And like in that time, they discover you actually have a lot of downtime when you don't have capitalism staring down your back. They start making games, building and making things just for the love of it - experimenting with redstone, learning each other's skills, picking up hobbies they wouldn't have tried before.
Also i'm thinking like - Cleo, Doc, Tango - all the monster hybrids. I think Tango maybe isnt a hybrid to start out with but in their downtime, in their learning semi-lost knowledge, they discover how to open portals to the nether and - well, something happens to Tango in the nether. I don't know...how yet and I don't really have the brainpower to think on it, but. He becomes a blaze hybrid. I don't think its like a blaze bites him, I think its more like. Some low lying barely there magic thing. Whereas Cleo - Cleo maybe starts out human but they get bit by a Zombie when they're trying to defend their home because no matter how much Etho plays up how scary they are, they never got good with a weapon and well. And they fall sick, and their skin starts to mottle, but they never...die. They pull through. But something has inherently changed. They lived wrong - and its a heavy moment to realize they lived but they're...different. Rotting. Needs raw meat or else they start feeling sick. And there's never a moment where any of them even consider killing them or putting them out of their 'misery' - it was only ever about 'how do we adapt to this, what can we do to help'. Doc is the only one I truly have no idea on but I do want my creeper hybrid man somehow. Hm.
Anyway - yeah. Just. Learning new skills and utilizing old ones in order to make a safe haven for themselves and others in the middle of an apocalypse. I don't think they all knew each other beforehand but I think they come together as the apocalypse is happening because like the more people in an area, the more mobs - so large cities would clear out but larger groups would honestly be okay but being alone would be worse than being together and just. dlfkshfdg
#Stitch Talks#Stitch's Writing#Hermitcraft#Apocalypse AU#sorry if this is rambling i am very tired but im feeling soft#ive been watching wool and beeswax processing also can you tell
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Y'know what, I'm really fucking angry with my ex tonight and I can't sleep because of it so I'm gonna write some of it out here in the hopes that it'll get it out of my mind so I can rest. It's just a big long vent so feel free to scroll by.
He said that he'd left because my mental health was too much for him, which has pissed me off more because when things were really bad I told him I wanted to admit myself as an inpatient to get help because that really helped me in the past and I was having constant flashbacks at that point, and he convinced me not to go. He said he wouldn't be able to cope without me, he wouldn't be able to manage in the house on his own (for like a couple of weeks, seriously?!) and that it wasn't that bad, that we didn't need to resort to that. He stopped me from being help before things got to a crisis point, and then when a few months later they got to that stage because I had no support (and he'd told me multiple times that he didn't want to hear about my mental health struggles so I had no support from him) he acted like he couldn't have seen any of this coming and I was just too much for him to handle and such a burden. When he actively prevented me from getting help and getting better before it got to that stage!
He came round this week to bring some of my things back but forgot basically all of the things. Acted shocked at the amount of his stuff that's still here - it would take multiple car loads to take all his stuff and furniture he's left.
Not to mention that he then spent the whole time he was here this week telling me how hard this all is for him, how awful he feels for leaving me because of my mental health, what a monster and a terrible human being he must be, all woe is me, everyone hates me, no one has spoken to me in months, let me emotionally dump all my current mental health struggles and suicidal ideation on you without asking if you have capacity for this when this is exactly the reason I'm saying I left you. I got forced into the comfort and rescue role once again, and he spent the whole time telling me that I was wrong, that the reason people weren't taking to him had nothing to do with the fact that he hadn't tried to talk to any of them in 5 or 6 months and was actually because everyone hates him. I spent sooo long trying to say that friendships work both ways, and that people often assume a friend is busy if they don't hear from them, and that doesn't necessarily mean they hate you. He said he was really hurt that he hadn't been hanging out or speaking with any friends when I had, and when I said that I'd been actively reaching out and arranging things with people regularly since he moved out he just kept telling me that it had nothing to do with that and that he's just such a terrible unlikeable person and none of those people are his friends, and how I knew so-and-so first actually so they're my friends not his, and it was just. So. Fucking. Exhausting. I'd said that I thought if some of his friends knew he wanted to hang out then they'd probably be up for doing something with him, but he was adamant that under no condition would he reach out or try to talk to anyone because they all hated him and he deserved it etc etc, literally went on so much about that and that he would not speak to anyone. Messaged me later saying he'd looked on Facebook and it just made him sad so he'd never go on again 🙄
And then today it turns out he's posted on facebook saying that he misses hanging out with friends and wants to see them. Just. Ffs dude. Stop being a fucking hypocrite.
He messaged me saying we still need to sort out rent. I've been busting my ass constantly chasing estate agent and landlord to change the tenancy and he has done fuck all about anything this entire time. There's no we, it's just me doing everything, like it was our entire relationship. All of the mental load, running everything in the entire household as well as managing his constant rollercoaster depression that he refused to ever get help for, and when he did try counselling he would stop the second he started feeling slightly less bad, and not actually follow through until he was properly stable and functional.
I'm pissed off because my mental health was doing really well before we got together, but his depressive episodes always lasted so long and he would never speak to friends or family about it so I was the only support, and I gradually got worse and worse myself from only ever hearing the most pessimistic answers to everything, so that I started to think that way myself. Because what was the point of trying to help him when I'd be told everything I said to help was wrong, that nothing would ever change, there was no point to anything but that that was just normal and how life was and that there was no point trying to change anything. Hearing that constantly for so fucking long.
I'd just got to the point where I was finally stable and happy and not having flashbacks again and had come off all my meds and was finally starting to enjoy life again when he decided that actually, after 5 years of me having to be monogamous with him because he was too anxious to be ok with me being polyam (which he knew when we got together and said was fine with but changed his tune once he actually saw me being interested in acting) that actually he was totally poly cause this cute person liked him, and we didn't need to have any conversations ever about what we wanted from this new relationship, no we didn't need to know what anyone's boundaries were, but oh sorry he forgot he promised to pick me up from the station cause he was taking to the other partner! oh he forgot he'd told me he was back from this partner's today and that I was waiting for him before making dinner, he wasn't actually back til late on Tuesday, but he feels sooo bad about this he's such a terrible person. oh he forgot we had plans tonight, he was too excited and planned a thing with the new partner, oh he forgot we had a party with friends doing all his favourite things this weekend, he was going to visit the new partner instead. You're feeling left out and like you're second best? I don't understand why would feel like that, you don't need to be jealous it's poly, no one's more important. Oh by the way it's been 6 weeks and me and the new partner are getting handfasted and talking about living together. There's no reason to be anxious it's not important it's all in your head, I love you both equally. I don't know why you want to talk about what we all want from relationships, we don't need to do all of that. You don't need to be uptight or worried. Yes fine sure let's have a talk about boundaries around sex when we're in the same house. But actually me and them are just gonna fuck anytime we want in any room and not have the discussion we promised, screw your boundaries. Idgaf that you've been waiting the whole two weeks our partner is here for this conversation to happen and have not been initiating anything sexual and turning down advances until you knew what everyone was comfortable with. We don't care about what anyone else apart from the two of us want. Of course you're still important. Actually your insecurity is getting really difficult to deal with. You need to get help to stop being so jealous.
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Hidden's Life
Life chat beneath the cut, very long x_x
So uhhh it's been... bad. I'll just go with bad. If you don't have mental/emotional/whatever space for Bad, I recommend you stop here. Let's have a quick lil internet hug, and then go be at peace, lmao! Er, I guess trigger warning for mentions of family... problems? Trauma??? I'm not sure how best to say it.
Family Stuff
I'm not sure where to start or how much detail to share, but... I guess it started with my mom asking a favor that was... Totally unreasonable. It was phrased in a way that put the results of decades of her poor decisions in my hands- "This is a big favor I'm asking, and if you don't want to do it, that's fine... But I'll lose my livelihood because of it." This favor would have also dragged me back into her hellish situation with her husband/my father, whom I have been no contact with since I left home for my own safety (like... all levels of safety).
I agonized over it for a week. I didn't want to be responsible for my mom losing her current livelihood. I called around to family, who all told me that her decisions brought her here, and that they all offered help at different stages, but my mom turned it down. That reminded me of the help I offered over the years that was also turned down.
I scheduled an emergency therapy session to talk about it, and my therapist also suggested I say no. She also recommended that I try to help in a safe capacity, which in this case was researching options for my mom. I put hours into scouring the internet, emailing and DMing with services that could help my mom, and compiling notes for her.
I emailed my mom to turn down doing the favor she asked, and I included all of the information and resources I found for her. Within ten minutes, I received an email saying, "This stuff won't work." Ten minutes after that, a second email: "I guess I'm done, then."
Ie, you have failed me, and my livelihood is gone because of you.
To be clear, the ideas I gave her would have solved her problem, but it would have involved effort from her and bringing professionals into her... professional problem. So basically, it's okay if I put in a ton of effort into solving her problem, but it isn't okay if she does. It's okay if I'm dragged way out of what's comfortable for me to help her, but it isn't okay if she does something uncomfortable to solve her own problem.
The emails pissed me off more than the first call. It's difficult to feel guilt after your offer for help was extremely rejected, lmao (which might have been my therapist's goal, ha!). My mom sent me a text that was just... Awful. Basically, "Even though you let me down, I still want to see you." To which I responded that I was unavailable. She sent another text saying that she was knows she shouldn't have asked me and that she was just scared, and can't we just put this behind us.
Again, I was absolutely launched into another orbit by this. No apology, and a demand to avoid all consequences. Mmm, my fave, delicious. I did one of those things where you write a million text responses and delete them until I landed on something that said what I needed to say and nothing else: "I understand you're scared and in a bad situation, but my feelings matter too. I need some time."
So uh... Now I get to figure out how to navigate this. It's been about a week, I think, of trying to just... Not think of that situation at all, and failing off and on.
I want to be a badass, tough, mature person who can navigate this stuff elegantly. I want to be able to see these interactions as the result of my parents' trauma and learned behaviors, things that existed before I was born and aren't really a reflection of me, or even of my relationship with them. But inside, I'm still a hurt kid who wants to be seen as myself, who wants to be apologized to when appropriate, who wants parents who separate their trauma from their relationship with me.
I'm not sure how this will change things between my mom and me. Although I have taken distance from my mom in the past as needed, this is the first time I've come out and said, "Yeah, no, you hurt me bad, and I need to deal with that before I talk to you again." You might ask why that is, when it's surely been warranted. As a child, I wasn't listened to, and was punished for trying- not like, go to your room kind of punishment, but derision and backlash. As an adult, the response has been to... act confused when I try to express anything negative. I don't know where to go from here, or what I'm looking for.
Actually, no, I'm looking for peace. How I find that will be up to me, and I don't know what that means yet.
Insurance/Paying for Therapy
So my last job offered amazing healthcare that 100% covered my therapy. It turns out my new insurance for the fancy new job at the huge, worldwide company... Does not. At all. Cover therapy.
SooOOooOOooo on top of the stress of the situation, I suddenly owed $155 for the emergency therapy session. After joking that I should bill my mom, I texted my therapist, who asked if I have an HSA. Fortunately, I do, and my company puts money into it annually, so I used that, although it's nowhere near as good as a stronger insurance package.
But ugh, I thought this company had a better package! I feel so caught off guard and frustrated. Which leads me to another subject...
Coworker Arguments
Sigh, so I've been working closely with a coworker, and if I'm honest, it isn't going that well. He has had a lot of stuff happen in his personal life that has translated into me stepping up for him, being unable to ask questions I need to ask because he is out, and just generally being sort of... On my own with stuff that isn't necessarily my project, but someone has to get it done! Let's call this coworker Z.
So one of our coworkers recently had a healthy baby and safe delivery, hooray! As I was celebrating in the lab, another coworker brought up how bad health care/family care is in America. Z said stuff like, "Society wouldn't benefit from healthcare (provided by the government, as a right)." I about rolled my eyes out of my head facing the other way, but stayed quiet as Z argued with other coworker. Then, Z said, "Well my wife and I didn't get those benefits when my teenage kids were born, so how would we be compensated?"
To which I sadly, most unfortunately, regrettably blurted, "If we (ie society) have that attitude about everything, then there will never be progress."
Immediately sensing my mistake, I bolted, not wanting to be involved in the discussion/argument. I thought I was safe, but hours later, Z said, "You know, I was thinking about something you said earlier..."
I was like, "Oh, uh- Yeah?" Sensing danger, obviously. So Z quoted me on the above, and then started the most confusing, disconnected series of statements I have ever heard in my life. I genuinely couldn't follow him at all. He would say something, I would respond, and then he would change subject???
At some point, Z said, "Well I think a doctor should have more respect than, say, a plumber, because he was educated more and worked harder to get there."
I responded, "I don't respect people based on their careers, and I have no way of knowing how hard they worked, or what resources they had or didn't have." I was thinking of my friend who worked three jobs to put herself through undergrad, while still drowning in student debt, vs my friends whose parents paid for the entirety of their education through medical school.
Z pivoted with, "Of course we judge people. Otherwise, how did I pick my wife? By your logic, I could have randomly married anyone."
I replied, "That's... A huge false equivalence? You said you judged people by careers, what does that have to do with picking a spouse?" At this point, I said that I couldn't follow the argument anymore and excused myself.
It's been weird between us since. My friend says that I struck a nerve with my comment about progress- I seem to have challenged his ideas about himself without meaning to. The rest of the discussion was probably him being emotional and confused, hence how impossible to follow everything was. And I was getting upset, too. My family, friends, and myself have all gone through a lot that proper healthcare would alleviate, so to be told that society won't benefit from that... To be told that people should be judged based on careers, when careers are so often linked with socioeconomic background/opportunity...
Worse yet, the latest cloning strat he made and passed on to me was incorrect, so I wasted days of work because he insisted I start as soon as the primers came (ie, I had no time to check). This is like the third strat from him that didn't work. I'm going to ask my boss to let me do my own cloning strats from now own, as I have been for eight+ years.
Work
It is so difficult and frustrating! I actually am beginning to see that I do a great job, it's just that the place has an inherent chaos that I am still learning to navigate.
Speaking of, we were reorganized a week ago, and I had to sit through so many ninety minute meetings where they asked the people who planned the reorg their... opinions about the reorg (spoiler: they thought it was God's gift to the company, of course). I still don't know how my day-to-day will be altered, and in fact, I'm finding that a lot of stuff has changed on a, "who do I ask for this service now," basis.
It's such a weird situation, because there is so much opportunity at my new company, and I have learned so much. But it's also a huge mess, every little thing, and it's so hard to do our work because of the crowding issue and people just... Taking shit you ordered for yourself from your bench because it's gone everywhere else. No shit dude, that's why I ordered my own, thanks for that.
At the same time, I'm beginning to see... I have what it takes in a way I didn't realize? I'm deep diving strats and researching what's wrong and coming up with actual, actionable answers. I'm growing and it's extremely difficult and exhilarating and wild.
But like... Should every day be this difficult?????? I don't know what to think, if I'm honest.
Creating
I'll be real here, I haven't been creating or active online for a few weeks, now. I'm going through a lot. I hate hate hate when the things you love most are the first thing to be dropped when you're struggling. If I've been distracted/not present/kind of "off" overall online, please know it's not you at all, it's 100% me and this mess I'm struggling with.
I'm planning to hold off on my next fic update until Odaiba Day, as this is the only way to guarantee I have something for August 1. Um... I can't really promise anything at this stage. I hope you'll understand <3
I hope you're all doing well! Even if I'm not around much, I care about you! Thanks for caring and reading this, you're a beaut! Take care!
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Okay, final ramble for today: El Cazador de la Bruja EP3!
We got: Only One Bed (but she still took the empty chair)! They Were Roommates (well, actually more of a cottage/small house and they only stayed a night)! Domestic Fluff! A CUTE LIZARD!
I don't quite know where to start because mentally I'm still yelling about how terrible horrible uncomfortable and creepy Camera Guy is. I quite enjoy that the current goal for Ellis and Nadie is simply to "go south" because it offers so many possibilties of happening along the way without a definitive end in sight! (I'm super curious to find out what Ellis is searching in the south though, should she ever remember.) There were some interesting bits aside the girls' journey that I want to mention quickly: 1) being a bounty hunter is or was apparently a common job to have and given that people move on from that job once they - apparently - start or have a family, it seems like it's just part of the society. It apparently also doesn't reflect badly on you if you are a bounty hunter (unless your family has moral difficulties with it, like in the case with Maria); like, you can still be a cop afterwards. (Ellis was very cute about the handcuff. But also very silly, I don't know how Nadie keeps up with it.) 2) Big Dad Guy is apparently also looking for Ellis, but doesn't know that she's called Ellis. Or something. As it is unclear who that small child with him is to him. 3) Other people seem to know more about Ellis than she knows about herself. Which is great because Nadie sure doesn't know anything about Ellis, and Ellis doesn't know anything about Ellis, and everyone else seems to know enough about Ellis to try and get her dead or alive. Fun time all around!
But now, the girls: they did have a very domestic moment in that small house! We are just letting the moment in which Ellis cut her finger and Nadie put said finger into her mouth to clean the blood off and that moment when Ellis stood naked in front of the fire they made and looked at the gem she has sit with us. Just, let it exist. The flashback triggered by the blood was interesting though because it looks to me like the blood was being pulled out of the doctor? (In the first episode we also saw a hole, possibly from a bullet, in the package, so it might be that he got shot first and then the thing with the blood happened? It seems like we're getting little pieces of flashbacks to the traumatic events that slowly build up to show the whole scene again which I absolutely adore!) I really adore Ellis' little "Yessir"s too! And how she interacted with the lizard!!! She's such a weirdling, I love her so much!! I absolutely hate the camera guy though. It sparked a massive amount of joy in me when Ellis responded to his "I'm going to be an important part of your life" with "No, you won't", like nah. No, thank you. Take your creepy self and your creepy camera elsewhere. Interestingly, she seems really unbothered by him and I'm not sure if that's because she's absent-minded/bold/a combination of that, or because she knows something that we as the audience don't (yet). There is the possibilty that Camera Guy is so weird and obsessed with Ellis because of something Glasses Guy did (he did mention something along the lines of "I gave you the capacity to feel" or something), but ungh. UNGH. They're both terrible horrible still.
It was very cute how the girls said their goodbyes to the lizard and the skeleton in the house though, that made me feel a little warm. They're both good girls and I wish them the best <3
#b rambles#el cazador de la bruja#I'm going to post the ramble for EP4 tomorrow because now I need to sleep!
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Free coffees, ladders, and Jackpots
*"..what would it feel like, if it were true ?"*
So like everyone else, I always wondered; "..If all manifestations are the same, why aren't people winning jackpots left and right ? Why can you materialize free coffee and seeing colored cars, but not abundance ?"
The answer I came to was pretty simple. The required *I AM* is too different. To manifest, you have to be what is desired, NOW. The problem is, this state is SO DIFFERENT than what we currently are, so MASSIVELY different, that we either don't spend enough time meditating that state, or we just cannot conceive at that scale.
Who are you after a free coffee /ladder climb/ seeing your favorite car ?How's your anxiety ? How's your relationship with your relatives? What's your image of yourself ? What's your perception of your capability on earth ? Odds are you get a little dopamine spike followed by the realizations of "This Works!".
BUT, we remain similar to who we were before these conscious mini-manifestations occur. It doesn't fundamentally change our personalities or identities.
Winning multimillions, suddenly, changes ALOT. I have people in my life who were of average means. They suddenly got put in a Will of a millionaire, and now fly Business/first class everywhere. Pandemic ? No prob. First flight out. Also, Louis Vuitton ONLY. Your ability to NOT be subject to what 98% of the rest of humanity deals with has a noticable affect on the kind of person you are. Fear of lack of provision is a big part of our human experience here. Not having to deal with that is something that separates people in terms of existence, even as a concept. Having practically unlimited supply suddenly dropped on you may not have an immediate affect on your person, but in time it will. More often than not, people become COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than who they were after a jackpot. Always ? No. USUALLY? Yes.
This kind of wealth changes the human experience. We have to assume different states from what we currently have, to move from them. States are different. Perhaps certain states can be TOO different for us in our current situations. Can someone go from homeless to millionaire using the law ? Sure. But their ability to do so, is entirely contingent on their ability to conceive of themselves in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT situation. This isn't always easy or even likely.
Robert A Russell says *"We can only receive from prayer, what we put INTO it." (mental equivalent)* Meaning your *I AM* needs to be in a different state with different awarenesses. Therefore you need to appropriate that state, *NOW*. When embodying a state, you're aware of the thing you desire. However what you are NOT aware of is just as important. If you hate your boss or your landlord, do you think you're going to think of them ONCE in your thoughts while you're "vacationing in Monaco in your private helicopter" (Sats example) ? You can afford world class therapists, so how's your anxiety? Do you think your broke friends would still look at you the same ? Do you think they'd look at you as an option to help if they reached rock-bottom ? Do you think long lost relatives would suddenly appear, wanting to *get to know" you ? Do you think your parents may want a bit more "appreciation" now that you can afford it ? Yeah. **THESE** things happen. Are you trying to pour a conception into a state that is too small to accommodate it ?
Remember. Your states are bound by your consciousness, or your capacity to conceive/perceive. This is why "praying for a larger capacity" is *SO* important. It's a prayer to expand your ability to *THINK* and *CONCEIVE*
Shifting states is a combination of appropriating new awareness, and ALSO **losing** awarenesses. We think of all the nice things we would do with millions. We think of the nice houses, cars, charities, trust funds, security, etc. We imagine ourselves DOING things. But have you imagined yourself NOT doing things ? Like financially panicking? Scrolling your life away on IG or YT ? What you *stop* doing is just as important. Who are you, as a *PERSON* ? THAT'S who you need, NOW. We tend to think more about what we'd DO, rather than what our self-concept would be. You are not just a bunch of purchasing patterns and habits. Every state in the world is the result of an "I AM", which isn't material.
*" No man putteth a piece of a new garment upon an old; if otherwise, then both the new maketh a rent, and the piece that was taken out of the new agreeth not with the old. And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish." Luke 5:36-39 KJV*
Everyone is different. Not everyone wants fame or material. Jackpots change lives, though, that's for sure. It redefines your human experience. It's a MAJOR change, in whatever facet of life you choose. Life comes at you differently at that class. You need to be aware of those differences. The person living with those differences is who you have to **BE**.
Can you live that conscious life NOW ? Can you embody thay massive change by saying *"I AM THAT"* ? Can you SATs a completely different LIFE ? You may need to sit with yourself with this one for a while. You need to know yourself, and no one can do that FOR you.
Coffees, ladders, and parking spaces don't change self-concepts. Jackpots DO. So your new state needs to be the difference between them.
🇨🇭🎄🎅☃️🏔️
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