#jokes on you DEAD SOULS did it first in fucking 2012
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if you beat amon in dead souls kiryu gets an orbital death laser. just so you know
#it’s so fucking FUNNY hdsjsgahxhsjh it’s WILD he just. he just presses a button on his little ipad thing and#DISINTEGRATES ZOMBIES ON SIGHT WITH A DEMONIC ENERGY BEAM FROM THE SKY#oh? oh you thought Ichiban in 2021 was the first yakuza character to get an orbital laser attack?#jokes on you DEAD SOULS did it first in fucking 2012#and in the funniest possible way. ie: adding it as a weapon you can only get if you complete all substories complete all subterranea#missions and defeat zombie/ghost/demon amon. and when you achieve those things there’s no fanfare. no gravitas. you just get a text from bob#that says. i have something for you. come to naomi’s.#and with zero explanation kiryu gets. an infinite-durability orbital death laser#you really don’t get this type of obscure silliness in the franchise these days#and dead souls is just. one of a fucking kind#ridiculous#kiryu#kazuma kiryu#yakuza#rgg#yakuza dead souls#dead souls#rambling
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Dorothy Freeman facts
By facts I of course mean headcanons, because Nile's mom doesn't get a first name in canon (or even confirmation that her last name is Freeman). All we know about her is the picture on Nile's phone lock screen (which is Kiki Layne's real-life mom and brother!) and a few lines that Nile tells Andy about her. I’ve been collecting my Dorothy headcanons for a while now to eventually make a post, and @mprosperossprite‘s excellent post giving non-Americans context for what it means that Nile is from the South Side of Chicago prompted me to go ahead and share this. Disclaimer that I’m white and I will absolutely make corrections if it’s pointed out that I’ve caused harm with any of this.
So here have some fun facts about the version of Mama Freeman who lives in my head rent-free:
Her family and growing up:
she was born in the mid-'60s and named after Dorothy Dandridge
I can’t decide whether she was born in Chicago or moved there later on (maybe with Nile’s dad?) and when in the waves of the Great Migration her family left the South
she came of age in the "post"-Civil Rights movement and went to college in the mid-80s when a lot of what are now the foundational classics of Black feminism were being written
she was a young adult when Anita Hill risked so much to report that a Supreme Court nominee had sexually harassed her, and as a result she HATES Joe Biden
Marriage and babies:
she met Nile's father — I can’t decide how they met and I have two competing headcanons for his name, either Gideon for the hefty Biblical masculinity vibes (Giddy for short among family, that man loved to laugh) or Carl, which started out as a shitty Carl’s Jr burger chain joke that turns out to be perfect (it means free man!), and @knoepfchen used it in the sequel to if you do take a thief where Carl is alive!! — and Dorothy was a little skeptical of his near-religious devotion to the military but he was really hot and really devoted to her and they made it work
she's a little pissed that she was right but it's unbearable if she thinks about it too often
it's going to be a long, long time before she can look back on pictures of Baby Nile stomping around the house in her dad's combat boots (this is a Gina Prince Bythewood headcanon, whyyyyyyyy can I not find a link to where she said this)
she named their second baby Indus, Indy for short (this is nearly as established fanon in Book of Nile circles as how much Booker loves eating pussy, and Indy Freeman as a young adult is portrayed by either Aldis Hodge or John Boyega I don’t make the rules)
Work:
Dorothy did some office jobs but nothing really grabbed her, and she was probably gonna have to move for her husband's career, so she decided on teaching — high school humanities
she’s been active in CTU (one of the strongest teacher’s unions in the US) her whole career and one year she was on the bargaining committee and her babies know damn well never to trust a boss, not even one who says all the right things — if she ever finds out the way Nile said "like Quynh?" when Andy promised to protect her, she will lose her mind with pride
(Nile was 18 and freshly graduated from high school in 2012 when CTU went on strike for the first time in a generation and she brought her mom snacks on the picket line)
one of her very favorite things is getting her students to laugh despite themselves at her "oh my GOD you're so EMBARRASSING" old-people jokes
she's one of those teachers who can get 30+ teenagers to go dead silent with judicious application of body language
she's known to occasionally go easy on grading subjective things like essays when she knows students are having a particularly rough time at home, but the second she gets the feeling they're taking advantage and not trying their best that shit is over and they better mind their Ps & Qs
she's the kind of person who says old-people shit like that
she gives her students assignments like "help 5 neighbors register to vote" and "write a compare/contrast table about the candidates in this local election" and "research 5 different ways you could get grant money to do X" and other practical civic-minded shit
standardized testing is her supervillain origin story, just kidding it’s Rahm Emanuel, why the fuck did Obama trust that asshole
After her husband died:
she would have lost her goddamn mind if it weren't for her church friends after her husband died, people from the church raised money so they could make ends meet while his pension paperwork was taking forever, church friends watched Indy so Nile could go out for the soccer team, etc etc
she sold her and her late husband's house and moved to a 3-bedroom co-op unit when Nile started high school, it's more affordable and it meant she didn't have to worry about household repairs in the same way, she can use a wrench if she needs to but she doesn't have time and it just makes her grief flare up (co-op housing has a long history in Chicago and other US cities (like Washington DC where I live) as a way for Black people to access decent, affordable housing in the face of entrenched discrimination)
the move meant putting a longer commute between her and church, but she didn't even bother looking for a church closer to their new home, she loaded the kids into the car on the weekends, parking is hell in their new neighborhood but it's worth giving up a hard-won parking spot to not have to wait so long for the L on Sunday mornings
Indy lived with her through college and he was gearing up to get his own place when Nile died, Dorothy was planning to move into a one-bedroom in the co-op building because she doesn't need so much space anymore, Indy took a day off from his new job (not so new anymore, her baby's so grown!) to help her sort things to donate when those dress-uniform Marines came to their door
part of her wishes she could've been home more and not had to rely on Nile so much for help with Indy, but he's turned out such a kind young man, and he's a much better cook than his sister is (was, oh God — no wait, is! she’s alive! what do you mean you’ve been alive all this time??)
some of the girls from church are encouraging her to check out this social dancing thing, nobody's pressuring her to date but there's definitely been some ribbing, and with Indy out of the house... maybe? probably not, but maybe
Her feelings and beliefs and likes and dislikes:
she's an absolute badass and also she's a soft human woman with lots of feelings
she's very, very traditional in some ways, and part of her mixed feelings about Nile following in her dad's footsteps is gender stuff, she's proud of her daughter and would never stand in the way of what Nile wants to do with her life, and if Nile came home and told her she's a lesbian she would never reject her, but if Nile came home and told her she's bisexual maybe she can just try focusing on men? “I love you sweetheart and I want you to be happy I just know how hard it is already for us in this world” type shit
she has been on team natural hair basically her entire life and one of the worst fights she and Nile ever had was over Nile wanting to straighten her hair as a pre-teen
Indy takes more after her and Nile takes more after their dad, she's so proud of both of them, but Dorothy's activism was mostly wearing her natural hair to work and daring bosses to give her shit, Indy's out there marching in the streets like her parents had and she WORRIES
she teases Indy for going to so many protests like he's using it as an excuse to meet girls, but she WORRIES
when she turns 60, she gets box braids with streaks of dark purple, subtle enough that it's still work-appropriate but it makes her smile, she may be old now but damnit she’s still pretty!
she loves Grey's Anatomy and Star Trek and she watched Bridgerton all in one day
she has a dirty-old-lady celebrity crush on Chris Hemsworth
if she's ever masturbated thinking about Donna Summer, well, that's nobody's business but her own (do non-Americans know about the queen of disco??)
If you want to read fic featuring Dorothy:
I won't have to leave alone, 1000 words, Nile has a nightmare and decides to go tell her family she's immortal
I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore, 65k, Nile adjusts to immortality and does a lot of soul searching about what it means to "do what we think is right", Booker goes to grad school for trauma studies, the working title of this fic was Booker Reads Edward Said and Gloria Anzaldúa and Goes Down on Nile and the final product has an annotated bibliography in the author's notes if you’re into that kind of thing, a lot of my Dorothy Freeman headcanons were born of my process writing this
Gather round the table, we'll give you a treat, 2279 words, college AU, Nile brings her Jewish boyfriend home for Christmas
a contribution I made to Shitty Old Guard Deaths: (Booker, USA, 2025, cause of death: a mother’s righteous wrath)
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youtube
Watch the American Climate Leadership Awards 2024 now: https://youtu.be/bWiW4Rp8vF0?feature=shared
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hi there, just saw in the tags that you didn‘t like endgame. would you like to expand on that? i am curious to know other people‘s perspective. personally, i liked it. it has flaws, yes, but to me it was enjoyable. if you don‘t feel like answering, that is fine :) have a great day!
oh wow. you really wanna know? okay, but on your own head be it. :o
i’m just joking, i’ll go easy, or at least give you the digest (a vicious lie) version. if you want to see the full extent of my derision and vitriol, you can go to @lowkeysebastianstan, which is the blog where i’ve tried to limit this too. but to give you the not at all short and not so sweet of it, here goes. (endgame spoilers obviously).
the first thing that really set me off was the ending, more precisely, what steve did. it made absolutely no sense whatsoever, and hit me closer to home than most of my followers here since bucky and steve are my fave characters, and the only ship i really have. now, i never thought stucky would become canon, not even a little, i didn’t even hope for it. sure, the representation would’ve been awesome, but there’s no way marvel could’ve done it justice, so it was just as well it was never gonna happen. what i hadn’t prepared for was to what extreme extent they were terrified of the ship and the effect it would have if they were to let it be even a hint that could be interpreted as some emotional connection between them, for 3 films they’re built bucky up as the most important character in steve’s life, he’s risked his own life to save him, he basically eradicated hydra during wwii fueled by grief for him, he was prepared to die for him in tws, he fought his friends and gave up everything for him in cacw, and then he just? leaves? to be with a woman who died of old age and natural causes after a long fulfilling life with another man and family of her own. who specifically told him to fucking move on in tws? yeah, sure. and do not get me wrong, i adore sam wilson, after bucky, and the real steve rogers, he is by far my fave in the cap verse (saving a few spots for my bp and cm peeps in the mcu, but we’ll get to them), and he is the superior choice to pick up the mantle, no doubt about it. (okay, a little doubt, they teased sebastian with that shield for 8 years, they based bucky on the brubaker storyline where he becomes cap, and so i do feel a little torn bc no matter how happy he must be for his friend, and him and mackie are good friends, he must be a little disappointed? but who knows, maybe they’ll do something with that in the series, which would be stupid af bc that would negate the positive leap in representation, and mackie deserves it too, so who the fuck knows, i’ll probably not be around to keep track anyways, and can you tell im rambling), but for steve’s last words to be to sam? while bucky stands and watch in the background? like??? i could go on in (more excruciating) detail, but that was why i linked the blog, there might be a point or two about this on there.
but that was just the start. all through the movie i felt disconnected and uneasy, they made some really weird choices, but i don’t think it was until nat took the plunge that i knew i had an absolute dud on my hands.
the mcu has done a lot of things right, but their treatment of women is NOT one of them. and oh boy did they go out with a bang. first is the obvious implication, he got to live bc he had “more to live for”, and she didn’t have a family, and ye gods we know she can’t have kids, so why should she live?
(see, if the bw movie wasn’t in the books, i’d completely get it, if it was to give scarjo her life back, and she wanted nat to be good and dead, sure. actually, when i first watched it, that’s what i thought tbh, that the bw movie was cancelled, so. but it’s not, so she will return. and since that the case it’s just fucked up that they yeeted her off the roster. and sure, some of the bw movie was always gonna be set in the past, but tbh? i don’t see much point in prequels for dead characters, you know that whatever happens won’t affect the outcome for the character at all, and i usually find them completely void of meaning. that might just be me though). and of course the fact that she died the same way gamora went didn’t help. (gamora’s death was maybe the single worst thing in aiw, she was fridged, not for the advancement of one man, but for two (thanos and quill) and it.just.shouldn’t.have.worked.thanos.cannot.love! again, mcu and women? not a good match.)
then of course, it comes back to steve and how much he doesn’t give a crap about the people close to him in the present, we never see him care or grieve for anyone but peggy, and he could barely spare two tears for nat before it was all business again. and the rest of the team? i think clint cared a little, and banner threw a chair, but that was it. no memorial, not burial, no nothing, it was like she never existed, and she died saving the world just as much as tony, he couldn’t have done jack shit without the soul stone.
and speaking of women, shuri and okoye? before the trailer dropped i was sure shuri was in this, that we’d get to see her lead in her brother’s stead. i actually did a short lament on this already, here.
carol was terribly underused, after all the oompf about her being there she was barely a blip. but the haircut was fantastic, and the best part of the movie was when she returned at the end.
then there’s nebula and gamora (again). at first i was actually quite pleased that they sort of found a loophole to bring gamora back, but then i thought about it (yes, sometimes i get seduced by the flashy colours too) and yeah. sure. a gamora is there, but she’s void of all the things that makes her interesting and all her development is just gone, everything “our” gamora achieved and experienced is gone, three films worth of arc is worthless. so what then is the point of getting “her” back? i don’t care about this person, i don’t know her. are we gonna see quill just harass her the next film, bc you know, she’s been with him, so why shouldn’t he expect her to just do that now? tbh i wouldn’t be surprised, but now that gunn is back maybe he can save it? not that i’ll be around to keep track though.
then nebula. nvm that time paradox, that’s a whole other fuckfest i’ll get back to, but we had to get to see her get killed too, didn’t we. by her sister, the only person in the world she loves. fucking fantastic, i cannot control my enthusiasm.
and no, cool as it was, the a-force surrounding parker is not enough to bring this home. it was a cool sight though. (see? i can see the good.)
then of course it’s peggy. a woman he knew for a few months back during the war. (sure they knew each other longer, but i’d say, even if you’re very generous, they can’t have spent more than a couple of months in each other’s company, and they kissed once). who they stripped of all character development and autonomy so that steve could go back and get his “damce”. everything she achieved, every good thing that happened to her, her husband, her family, her advancement in shield, all gone. bc steve must have his happy ending, no matter that she told him to move the fuck on in tws, who cares.
and then there’s sharon. yeah, they forgot about her, didn’t they. i mean, i was never really on board with that, the whole aunt/niece thing was a bit too weird for me, and this was way before i shipped stucky, but that doesn’t matter. bc they did that, they had them kiss within days after peggy’s death (oooh, look how he cared for peggy), making it clear that this was the beginning of something. (also marvel and several of the actors treated emily like crap, oh yeah, i remember, doesn’t help either.)
(gods i said this would be short, didn’t i? imagine if i could’ve spent all the words i’ve spent ranting about endgame on my latest chapter? good grief.)
then there’s their so called lgbt representation. 30 seconds of a character that had a total of 60 sconds of screentime in tws lamenting his dead lover? well. i. they wanted credit for that. i just.
then there’s thor. they negated every ounce of development he had in ragnarok, this also goes for aiw, wasn’t happy about that, and made him completely ooc, he just spends his time drinking ab\nd playing fortnite of all things? bold of them to assume that will still be a thing in 5 years, but also? thor? THOR? neglecting his people? his friends? the world? thor? then they of course made him fat, haha, so they could add fat-shaming to the list while they make light and fun of his drinking problems, his grief and his ptsd. awesome. the funniest.
then there’s clint. that they just randomly made a killer? just, like a straight up murderer? okay then. and still nat deserved to die. excellent.
then there’s banner. okay, i don’t think they fucked him up as bad as the others, but it’s still strange he would risk his intelligence to become hulk full time, but you do you.
rocket and rhodey were the best things about this damn disaster, just putting it out there.
then there’s tony. i mean, we knew he was the main protagonist, and im not objecting that, (even if i think it’s really strange he’d be born in 1970) but idk. that was strange’s plan? all that for that? and pepper just went, eh what the hell, just die, i can raise this kid you wanted. (i know, i know, she’s her mom, she cares), but it was just so flat. and idk. i mean, rdj wanted his life back, just as evans, but i’d want to see that switched, that tony get to retire and steve sacrifice himself to save the world. tony could still be the deciding factor in strange’s plan even if steve delivered the coup de grace. at least he cared enough to show an emotion™when peter came back, which was more than steve bothered with. jfc they fucked up steve.
then there’s the time travel. okay, a few things about the 2012 thing. they put him in the elevator, and then, instead of having him just kick the crap out of the agents, they reference hydra!cap? the biggest shitstorm in the comics in the last two decades? like what the actual fuck? then of course there’s the americas ass thing, which, again, that’s steve, cares about his ass but not his friends! (but at least 2012 steve cares about bucky, maybe he’ll save him a couple of years early, back to the future steve will just live out his life knowing bucky is getting tortured somewhere in siberia, good times.) oh! and i guess they have their loophole to get loki back too, great, they’ll probably just forget that he’s not in the main timeline, bc who cares.
and the fun just keeps coming with the time travel. oh they tried with some crap explanation that no one can make sense of, but here’s the kicker. they can’t either, they don’t even want to try, they don’t even agree with each other.
+ +
how did they know to meet up in wakanda or wherever, the dustees? did strange send a memo? not just the ppl in the soul realm or wherever they were, but all the others too, like valkyrie and hope. time and place just magically popped into their heads? and what happened when they all came back? or some came back, bc obviously a shit ton of ppl died at the dusting, like the pilot of a 747 gone? plane goes down and such, ppl really dead. and where do they reappear? where they disappeared? aka those passengers that got dusted comes back mid flight? fun! and what about the ones that moved on in their absence? what happens to the ones that come back when their wives and husbands are remarried, when there’s no place for them in their old lives. did all of peter’s classmates get dusted, or did the rest of the class graduate without him, i must assume that all of those in s:ffh did, otherwise some would be in college by now, yeah?
and that’s another reason their watertight time travel is leaky af, there’s no way to get the logistics to work. the only option as such would have been to go back to 2018 and fix it, to reset time, bc otherwise there are just too many holes, it’s just not possible. but they can’t do that bc then they’ll undo all the things that happen in the future that the characters don’t want to lose, like tony’s kid.
oh, i know, it’s a superhero movie, but im strange like that, i expect a modicum of internal logic in all my movies, the bitch that i am.
okay, im gonna leave it there, ive run out of steam, and i want to gif a set. there’s a few things more, but i think you’ve gotten the gist, that i’m not a fan of this movie and a short (lol, so sorry, nothing is ever digest with me, i should’ve warned you) list of reasons why. honestly this is the first time i’ve really don’t a more general account, ive pretty much stuck to steve and that crapshute, there’s a lot of other blogs that concentrate on the other characters, i’d list a few, but i don’t have it in me rn, pop me a msg if you’re interested, also if you’re interested in some real meta, this rambling rant isn’t something that people should be exposed to honestly.
avengers: endgame was a shit movie and no amount of “he’s worthy” and “avengers assemble” is going to fix that, BUT if you enjoyed it, i don’t think less of you, obviously everyone is different, and i envy the hell out of you, i sorely wish i could’ve liked it too. the russos directed what is by far the best movie in the mcu imo, tws, and they had us all fooled, even if we probably should’ve seen it coming after iron man 4: civil war.
hope you’re having a spectacular day, sorry you had to read this if you did, and and thank you for making mine better, i really had a rant in me needing out. (you’d think i’d run out of hate for this by now, but nah.)
thank you for the ask :)
#whyisitsohardtogetoutofbed#ask#answered#anti endgame#i am sorry#i know it's awfully negative#but you asked#obviously you couldn't have been prepared for this though#so i am i bit sorry#lisa's crap#oh look a new tag#i refuse to keep tagging for spoilers#if you've still not seen it idk what to tell you#also the read more should be enough
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Avengers: Endgame
My thoughts during the movie
Plus some extra notes
oh hi Clint
Your daughter is adorable!
the next Hawkeye!
wait
oh noooooooo
nooooooo
That's so saaaad
Please don't go Ronin. Just go find the Avengers. Please! I love you
Oh shit Tony you look like a skeleton
Honey please eat
Wait its been 22 days? oof
Nebula and Tony interacting is adorable
oh no Tony don't you dare die
no
N0
oh shit CAPTAIN MAAARRRVEEELLLL
YAAAASSSSSS
oh shit Tony is even madder than he was at the end of Civil War holy shit
he’s so skinny holy shit
oh shit Tony don't do that
Steve you don goofed
SHit TONY-
oh wow okay
Thor finally aimed for the head I guess
Wait 5 years?! HOly shit
oh look Steve is finally going to group theraphy
Natasha’s hair is gorgeous
I love her necklace
oh shit he’s gone Ronin
nooooooo
oh Carol your new haircut is amazing!
It looks so gooooodddd!!!!
oh shit that rat is the one that ultimately saved the world
the rat brought Scott back
good job
oh they’re gonna mess with time travel?
like back to the future?
HOLY SHIT TONY HAS A DAUGHTER
SHE’S SO CUTE HOLY SHIT
she’s so small!
tony is an amazing parent
look at her!
she’s adorable
“I love you 3000″
that's so cute!
Scott is me if I ever meet any of these actors
wait...
is that Bruce?
NOOOOOOOOO
he looks so bad!
MY BABIIIEESSS
NOOOOOO
WHYYYYYY
TURN IT BACK TURN IT BACK
he sounds so dumb!
whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ok so this sucks
ok
ok
The band is almost complete
just Thor and Hawkeye
Thor first I guess
OH YASSSSS VALKYRIE YOU GO GIRL
oh wait what? why is there so many cans of beer-
OH MY GOD
OH NOOOOOO
WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT?!
MY BABYYYYY
HES SO DEPRESSED HOLY SHIT NOOOOO
HIS ABS
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
oh shit is that Japanese?
oh this looks like a scene from an anime
yes Clint it does work
probably
oh shit
ok ok
it works
so sad he could not see his daughter though
OK LETS GO
This suspiciously sounds like the plot from back to the future
ok so group 1 goes to New York in 2012 to get the Space Stone, Time Stone, and the Mind Stone
Group 2 goes to 2014 to get the Soul Stone and the Power Stone
and Group 3 goes to 2013 to get the Aether Reality Stone
ok that's good
good plan
man that old outfit looks horrible on cap
shit hulk is so aggressive and its...
really fucking funny
professor hulk is bad at being hulk
YES THAT IS A FINE PIECE OF AMERICA’S ASS
hail hydra?
shit dude that's deep
y’all are busted
wait so Natasha and Clint are going to get the Soul Stone?
oh noooooo
one of them is gonna die-
oh look cut to Thor now
Thor its ok bab calm down
Rocket you’re on your own buddy
awww Frigga
yes Frigga and Thor interacting! Im all for this
YES HIS HAMMER IS BACK! FUCKING FINALLY HOLY SHIT
oh cut to Professor Hulk
be careful with that woman bruce
shes weird
oh nevermind
so let me get this straight, this whole time travel thing is like in Dragon ball?
yes?
yep.
ok so that's bad
they didn’t get the Space Stone
Loki just grabbed it and went bye bitch on all of them
oof
Steve... fighting… Steve?
oh shit that's awesome
hah Steve is annoyed at Steve
OH SHIT YES
gg no re
that ass thou
that’s a fine piece of American ass
OMG THERE HE GOES
MY LITTLE IDIOT
COME AND GET YOUR LOVEEEEEEEE
OH YEAH
oop and there he goes to the floor
wait is nebula dead?
oh no
wait what?
ok so lemme get this straight, nobody thought of upgrading Nebula, so now tHANOS CAN USE PAST NEBULA TO SEE OUR NEBULA’S MEMORIES?
NOW HE KNOWS
THIS IS DUMB
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
Cut to Tony and Steve in the 1970′s
man they both look gorgeous
oh shit. is that Howard?
no
get away
fuck this guy
no
oh wait
he’s being nice to Tony
FUCK I LOVE THIS
oh my god PEGGY!
:(
is that JArvis?
THATS JARVIS
HOLY SHIT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Cut to Clint and Natasha
oh nooooooo
one of them is gonna have to die
OH SHIT NO CLINT
NAT STOP
No
NO
NO
N0000000000000000
IN THE SAME POSSITION AS GAMORA TOO
THATS GAY
*starts crying a bit*
MY BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
she’s dead
I cant
I CANT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
well... at least they got the stones?
lets go bbs
yes
Yes
YES!
wait shouldn't Tony do it?
oh wait no he would die
you go Bruce!
COME ON DO IT BEFORE YOU DIE
OH SHIT NO THANOS
THEY’RE ALL BACK!!!! ANSWER THE PHONE CLINT!
WAIT NO
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RUN RHODEY!
oh wait...
RUN CLINT
WHERE THE HELL IS CAPTAIN MARVEL?!?!
you go Gamora do the right thing!
yes Nebula kill yourself!
wait no don't actually kill yourself just the other you
wait no-
ugh
you know what
just-
good job.
STOP TALKING AND GO GET THANOS
THOR YOU LOOK AMAZING BB
WAIT WHERE DID STORMBREAKER COME FROM?!
oop there goes Tony
WAIT SHIT DONT KILL THOR
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
YOU GO STEVE
YOU’RE WORTHY!!!!!!!
THIS SCENE IS FUCKING EPIC
OH WAIT NO HIS SHIELD
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SHIT
NO
STOOP
THATS SO UNFAIR
wait-
what was that?
*crying starts again*
YAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS THY’RE ALL BACK HOLY SHIT
SHURIIIIIIIIIIIIII
PETEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER
HOLY SHIT
GO BEAT HIS ASS
“AVENGERS!”
“ASSEMBLE.”
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS
THATS FUCKING AMAZING
WIFE AND HUSBAND FIGHTING TOGETHER IS AMAZING
OH MY IRON DAD AND SPIDER SON MOMENT
HOLY SHIT
THIS IS AMAZING
LOOK AT VALKYRIE ON HER PEGAGUS!
RUN BLACK PANTHER
HOLY SHIT QUEEN
WANDA GO KILL HIS ASS
YAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS
MY TWO BABIES ARE FINALLY GETTING BACK TOGETHER
GO GET HER QUILL
oh wait...
nevermind
OH THERE SHE ISSSSSSSSSSSS
YOU GO CAROL GO GET HIM
BEAT HIS AAAAASSSSSSS
QUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEN
OH SHIT THATS FUCKING AMAZING YOU GO GIRLS
I AM SO FOR THIS TEAM UP
GO GIRRRRLLLLSSSSSSS
PETER AND CAROL INTERACTING IS ALL I’VE EVER WANTED
I’VE BEEN WAITING SO LONG FOR THIS SHIT
SHIT
NO
NO
N0
NO
GET IT TONY
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
oh wait
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSS
“I am Irom Man”
WE WON
HOW DOES IT FEEL YOU NUT SACK OF A FACE?
HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA
OH WAIT
WAIT NO
no
Tony?
wait...
no
stop
StApH
*starts ugly crying*
MY FAV BABY NOOOOOOOOOOO
HE’S DEAD
“Mr. Stark we won”
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
mY hEaRt
“its okay you can rest now”
“we’ll be okay”
WELL NOT LIKE I NEEDED MY HEART Y’KNOW
*continues on ugly crying*
they put his old arc reactor on a bunch of roses and just let it float on the river?
what a send off
im crying cause it hurts
this is so sad
this reminds me of the scene where Tony throws the arc reactor to the sea
fUcK
shit not like I needed my heart
everyone is here?
oh yeah
WAIT IS THAT HARLEY????
*cries even harder*
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
well at least…
everyone got a happy ending...
man tony stop talking you’re making me cry harder
“I love you 3000″
THOSE WHERE HIS LAST WORDS TO HER WHEN HE LEFT TO GO SAVE THE UNIVERSE AND NOW IN THIS RECORDING
MY HEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRTTTTTT
wait Steve is the one that is going to return the Stones?
cool
just please come back
son of a bitch
wait who’s that?!
IS THAT PRE-SERUM STEVE?
nevermind
shit he looks so old
HE GOT MARRIED TO PEGGY HOLY SHIT
THEY GOT TO HAVE THAT DANCE
AWWWWWWWWWWW
*continues on crying*
wait...
what is that?
HOLY SHIT
YES
YES
YESSSSSSSS
Sam is now Captain America and I could literally not be happier
cut to Thor
wait Thor is not going to e King anymore
VALKYRIE IS???
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaS
YOU GO QUEEEEEEEEEEEEN
wait he’s going to go live with the guardians?
cool
no matter how many jokes you throw at me I’m still not gonna stop crying
shit is that Ned?
HOLY SHIT
MY LITTLE BABIES RE-UNITED
I LOVE THEM SO MUCH
THIS IS SO CUTE
cut to Morgan and Happy
she’s so cute
AWWWWW
just like her dad!
she wants a burger.
oh and here come the end credits
and I’m still crying….
Notes!
I loved the ending. It was Satisfying and wrapped up phase 3 really nicely. I literally don't see how someone is going to be mad about it. I LOVED IT. It was amazing. Everyone got a happy ending.
But my Fav Baby died
and my other baby also died
and one of my babies got old
one of my main babies one was depressed but only used for a pathetic excuse of comic relief
the other main baby got ugly and green....
I’m so sad
I am kind of intrigued about what will happen next in the MCU
I know Far from home is the ending of Phase 3 and I really want to see what will happen in Phase 4 now that Disney has ownership of Fox
Honestly all I want to see is Morgan Stark either becoming the next Iron Man/Woman or her own superhero called 3000
that’d be adorable
I’m so sad
I still cant believe Tony died
I cant believe they did Thor like that
I cant believe its 2023 in their universe like what?
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
goodbye phase 3! lets hope phase 4 (and the rest to come) is as good (or even better) than this one!
Lets see where the story goes.
#Avengers assemble#avengers end game#endgame spoilers#avengers 4#Avengers#avengers endgame#tony stark#Steve Rogers#natasha romanoff#clint barton#thor#Thor Odinson#bruce banner#hulk#professor hulk#nebula#Rocket Racoon#james rhodes#morgan stark#pepperony#pepper potts#peter parker#Shuri#phase 3#marvel#mcu#steggy#peggy carter#iron dad#spider son
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My Thoughts on Endgame
I went to see Endgame last night and have had all day up in my office all alone to compile my thoughts and feelings, of which there are numerous, about the movie while it’s all still fresh. Major spoilers below the cut, so if you haven’t seen it, back away!
Warning: Super long post ahead.
First, I’d like to say I am a Tony/Nebula stan, wholeheartedly. Somehow, the Russos managed to lighten up a very dark reality where Tony and Nebula are floating listlessly in space and running out of oxygen. The dark mood is made a little lighter by a noticeably very thin Tony teaching Nebula about paper footballs, and her innocence of Earthly activities gave her a human depth that only made me fall even deeper in love with her character. And the way she pushes Tony’s (probably last) bag of food towards him, knowing he needs it more than she does. (Does she even eat? Do cyborgs eat?)
Second, Clint’s family disappearing was the first time I cried. Honestly, I didn’t have a dry eye the entire movie, but it progressively got harder and harder for me to not sob. We’ll get to that.
Carol popping out of literal space to come cart Tony’s ass home was admittedly a little cheesy, but I didn’t hate it. What I really loved was Tony’s reunion with both Steve and Pepper, and the fight that ensued, mostly on Tony’s end, was emotional and so very Tony that I still had a hard time keeping it together. And I’m really glad that the Russos didn’t just skip over Civil War in favor of uniting everyone to take down Thanos for good. And it showed how broken up over it Tony still was because we all know Tony does have a heart and Steve Rogers broke it.
An appropriate time skip 5 years into the future and Scott Fucking Lang and that goddamn rat busts out of the Quantum Realm only to discover almost his entire family has been dusted. Ouch. And once he finds his daughter, instead of moping and falling into a pit of depression and grief, he hauls ass to the compound to talk to the Avengers about time travel and undoing everything.
Here’s where Meg really loses her mind. The teams. The effort to get the stones back. Natasha Fucking Romanoff schooling the Science Bros in figuring out there are three stones in New York all at once. Fucking Captain Sassypants fighting his 2012 self and Mr. Stark Scott Lang (i’ve been corrected) perfectly coining the term “America’s Ass” and Steve just going with it. I can’t with these two, honestly. Steve swearing. Talk about sticking it to Joss Whedon for that pathetic little joke we all thought was funny until we knew better. That whole sequence was perfect, especially because it didn’t go off without a hitch. Which means Loki is still alive somewhere in another reality. Yahoo!
Thor. Poor alcoholic, out of shape, PTSD-stricken Thor. My baby angel. It hurt to see him so lost and broken, but Korg and Meike playing Fortnite about killed me. The balance of humor to sadness was utterly perfect through this whole movie and it was all comprised of jokes that made sense. The fat suit made me cry of laughter because it looks so goddamn unnatural on someone who’s as cut as Hemsworth, and Tony’s Lebowski dig was wholly appropriate.
This is where Meg realizes she is not going to be okay for the eightieth time. When Nat and Hawkeye are delegated to retrieve the Soul Stone, because we know while they don’t what needs to be done in order to get the stone. I had a feeling Nat might be one of the ones we lost, but I have to say I never saw it coming like this. I was inconsolable through the entire sequence as she and Clint are fighting over who’s going to be the one to die. I had my sweatshirt over my nose to stifle my sobbing and my boyfriend’s looking over at me wondering if I’m going to be okay. Y’all should see my eyes today, no lie.
And the fact that they played the same music for Nat that they did Gamora in IW was the knife through my heart followed by that heart-wrenching shot of her lying dead at the bottom. She’s gotten rid of the red in her ledger. Natasha, my beautiful, intelligent, bad-ass, super spy, we love you. So much.
Steve in mourning for Nat deserved more screen time than just a quick shot of him crying while Banner pitches a bench across the lake. Steve and Nat were one of the powerhouse friendships of the MCU, and this is one of the few shortcomings of Endgame. I wanted to see Steve angry, and heartbroken, something on par with Clint’s outburst that it should have been him. Steve and Nat were best friends, he deserved a little more screen time to mourn such a powerful relationship.
The epic battle scene that follows after this is nothing short of incredible. The entire theater erupted in cheers when Steve wielded Mjolnir like he was meant to, so at least Joss Whedon got some foreshadowing right! At first I thought it was lifting by itself but nope! Steve is worthy, and he knows he’s worthy. There’s an incredible theory out there that Mjolnir can detect someone’s perceived self-worth, and I fully believe that theory after watching this movie. And the little humor in there when Steve ends up with Stormbreaker and Thor gets Mjolnir and says, “No, no, give me that. You get the little one.” Kill me. The fact that Thor is doing all this badass fighting with a beer gut leaves me in stitches just thinking about it.
That epic entrance of all those who fell to the Snap emerging in a beautifully shot sequence gives me life, okay? It was perfect. I even looked to my boyfriend and said, “Where are the others? If it worked, where are they?” and BOOM! There they all are. Bucky with his long-ass hair is such a fucking look, I can’t even. AND STEVE FINALLY SAID THE THING. I swear the entire theater cheered again for this!! Also Rocket wearing Bucky’s goggles that he probably stole? Epic. Even if they aren’t his, but you can’t really convince me they’re not because they’re too similar. So Rocket hasn’t lost his penchant for stealing things.
Okoye, fierce queen, we see you taking out Corvus Glave all on your own. We also see that amazing, powerful female battle squad who cut through Thanos’s army like it was fucking tissue paper. Wanda, the Strongest Avenger (fight me on that, I dare you), taking on Thanos and stripping him of his armor like the fucking boss she is. Say it with me again: Strongest Avenger.
I also really really loved the game of Hot Potato with the gauntlet. Which brings us to...Mr. Anthony Edward Stark. The OG, the Big Guy. These next two paragraphs will be dedicated to him. The man who, 7 years ago, told us he would just “cut the wire” rather than lay his life on the line to save the other guy. When Dr. Strange said to Tony, “If I tell you what happens, it won’t happen,” I really, truly believed that Strange didn’t think Tony would go through with sacrificing himself in order to stop Thanos. He’d try to find another way. And yet I, along with a lot of others, knew he would do just that. Because Tony is nothing if not determined to prove everyone wrong about who they think he is, including Steve Rogers. Especially Steve Rogers.
Tony gets to interact with his father and learns that while Howard was incredibly flawed, he was still wholly dedicated to his family. Proven by his nervousness about fatherhood because all he’s ever known is technology, and he knows a child does not work the same way tech does. He’s terrified. And he hides, buries himself in his work because he doesn’t know what to do. But he loves his family, I know he does. A lot of other people know he does. I was a mess for that whole thing, too.
Tony’s funeral was absolutely perfect, a perfect sendoff to this legendary man who basically built the MCU. RDJ, we love you 3000. Thank you for giving us Iron Man. Thank you for carrying us through this journey of hilarity, sadness, darkness, anger, grief, all of it. I have a ton of emotions over RDJ’s exit from the MCU but I can’t properly formulate words.
ALSO: HARLEY WAS AT TONY’S FUNERAL. HE WAS THE LONE OLDER TEENAGER. CUE MORE CRYING FROM MEG.
And the final bit that seems to cause a lot of dissatisfaction: Steve’s final decision.
I personally loved it. I don’t like the misstep in jumping over Steve and Bucky’s bond, because that was a driving force for an entire movie, Russo brothers. So I feel a little cheated with their relationship taking a backseat to Sam receiving the shield to take up the Captain America mantle. But aside from that, Steve’s decision was very, very fitting. He’s given so much of himself to wars and other people that he deserves to be selfish. And maybe he had that quote in AOU that someone else came out of the ice, but A4 Steve knew he could have that life, and he chose it. Bucky knew, almost instantly, when Steve was about to bring the stones back, which was why he was so relaxed and calm when he didn’t come back.
Bucky, I feel, is relieved above all to see Steve reach old age, since he probably never expected him to, at least before he became Captain America. He’s lived his life as Cap, and now he gets to live another as the man who finally got the girl. I just wish we could have seen more of the bond between the two of them, unless they had some kind of heart to heart off-screen which, again, a waste of one of the quintessential relationships in Steve Rogers’s life.
And Bucky and Sam having some kind of mutual understanding, I know for a fact there was some reconciliation in the Soul World that we may or may not get to see in the new series coming out. I would love to see the two of them struggle with coming to grips with the fact that they were dead, and came back because their friends put themselves on the line at an incredible risk to try and bring everyone back. I think they could really create a bond similar to Steve and Bucky’s that was built on being “men out of time” and instead create a bond that’s men who survived the Snap and now are living a life without Steve Rogers (assuming he won’t take up the mantle again and will succumb to old age, like he goddamn deserves). Bucky is all for Sam taking that mantle, and that second of understanding between the two of them sent me off into another cry fest because I really love their dynamic, and Seb and Mackie both just have amazing on-screen chemistry. I am so excited to see what they bring to the new series coming out.
I would also like to say that while I was very emotional over Steve hearing Sam’s voice over comms saying, “On your left,” I really feel that Bucky should’ve had something. That’s really where Endgame’s biggest shortcoming is. They’ve built up the relationship between Bucky and Steve through CTFA, CATWS, and CACW, especially Civil War, and all you’re going to give them is four minutes of screen time together? Outta here with that. You dedicated an entire movie to Steve going to war for Bucky and y’all are gonna disrespect them like that? Even not shipping Stucky romantically, I can see the loving bond between the two of them that’s held up for 8 years. They deserved more than just a one-off line from CATFA, though that really set me off on another crying spree. I’m really not joking when I said there wasn’t a minute of that movie that I was dry-eyed.
Overall, I give this movie a 10/10. For what it was meant to be, it was everything I had expected and so much more. This movie made me roar with laughter, broke my heart more than once, and gave me an overall feeling of closure all at once. I am forever grateful to the cast, the crew, and the amazing characters created. The incredible late Stan Lee with his final cameo, to which the theater, again, erupted in applause. I’m just so overwhelmed by the work everyone at Marvel has put in to these characters and this world to give us these amazing stories. I’m tearing up as I write this because this is the end of an era for a lot of people who grew up with Iron Man, Hulk, Cap, Thor.... Black Widow. I just want to extend the biggest of thank yous to all of those people who made this world possible and brought so many people together.
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Symphogear, EP. 5 (Cont.)
Tsubasa ruminates about her current situation in her Symphogear Brand Safety Capsule of Absolute Dunces.
“aight ive done seen the light lemme at that sweet, sweet taco bell”
Meanwhile, some old ass politicians rumble about Relics.
“im old.”
But they immediately get fucked up in a nasty car accident.
As it turns out, the Americans were waiting to intercept these old crones to steal The Goods.
And holy fuck are they are American. Personally, I feel the writers of Symphogear watched Die Hard and immediately went “these people are fucking animals”. That’s just me, though.
“ooh ouch oh mmm ouchie ouch oooo ouch”
They tear into these people with an almost machine like efficiency.
These people don’t fuck around. There’s a strange surreality around it given that this is honestly pretty accurate to how brutal special operatives can be, but the Japanese accent they have in their English voices is... a bit jarring.
“IM BACK FROM THE MALL, YA’LL”
“oh god she’s back”
“ah, ryoko. as per your lingo, quote, ‘i like your new gucci boots... bitch’ was that good? im not fond at cursing at women unless its a mutual training session”
Genjuro alerts that the Minister of Defense for Japan has just been assassinated.
“shits bad”
Conveniently... Ryoko’s phone was broken. In her defense, it’s 2012. Battery life didn’t have the bragging rights it had now for phone.
“i personally use a razer flip phone. those will never go out of style!”
Ryoko manages to show them the box the Americans were trying to get. Suspiciously...
There’s a bloodstain on it.
So the main struggle right now is that the Bad Guys(tm) want to get their hands on Durandal, which is a completed relic that is hidden away miles underneath the school in the 2nd Division Labs.
This musty, old, shitty sword has immense power. Almost Godlike.
“hey why dont we just use the sword to beat up the bad guys”
The sword was handed from the EU to Japan for Japan to safekeep, and in exchange to forgive some of the loans the EU owed Japan should the EU economy collapse.
How topical.
“i read a lot of beserk and honestly im pretty sure someone beats up the bad guys with that dumb sword”
“listen nerd, we’re not doing that dumb weeb anime shit. we’re taking this sword to a vault to the bottom of parliament.”
“thats right. who needs anime when you’ve got nicholas cage.”
And so, they plotted to deliver this dumb sword tomorrow.
Ryoko logs into Runescape.
Fun fact: Fulcanelli is a reference to this dude, who was a French alchemist whose identity nobody really knows. Alchemy is a concept that will come up during GX that has no relevance whatsoever during these first 2 seasons except in some passerby jargon. This as just a cute thing I wanted to point out.
You know, that’s a pretty sexy sword upon closer examination.
“thats the dark souls of swords”
“ah! a fellow gamer! im glad that you too partake of the souls of darkening. would you like to play a two player match somtime, fellow Gamer?”
“I would genuinely rather eat shit for the rest of my life!”
The scene ends. Alright, where are n-
Oh God we’re back to this bullshit. Okay then.
Miku, reasonably, is upset that her wife is gone for several hours for increasingly sketchy reasons. Much like an estranged wife going to see her “tennis instructor” for “private tennis lessons” in the “safety of their house, which has a tennis court”, Miku is worried that Hibiki is a liar liar, pants on fire.
Nose the size of a wire.
Hibiki, feeling the fear of God, quickly bails this increasingly tense situation.
Miku is suffering, and so am I with this hamfisted writing.
“you didnt even try the cookies i made out of frustration for you. i designed them all after me with increasingly angrier faces”
“im too young for a divorce. fuck, those cookies smelled good”
Hibiki decides to not sweat it anymore, opening a magazine and WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS I DONT REMEMBER THIS WHEN DID HIBIKI GET HER HANDS ON THIS OH MY GOD
“HELL NO IM MARRIED THE DEVIL CANNOT TEMPT ME”
Hibiki closes it up to reveal the relevant part of this magazine.
This is subtle, but it’s basically a vehicle to explain how things are covered up for Symphogears. Ogawa walks in, talking about how this headline was his doing.
“i wasn’t joking when i said we were literally the NSA”
Hibiki is happy that Tsubasa has been freed from Metaphor Limbo, having escaped the Water Metaphor Dimension back into real life.
“she literally wont stop talking about taco bell and honestly its killing me inside”
“shit ill get her some”
Ogawa does some schpiel about teamwork and asks Hibiki for an idea on what to do with Tsubasas image even though he’s supposed to be the manager and it’s just general prattle.
Everyone gets briefed about the delivery. Ryoko’s soccer mom van sticks out like a sore thumb. Nobody on the Lydian campus asks why there are 5 cars outside the building with men in suits and fucking Hibiki standing there with them why are these children so fucking incurious.
“this feels like the world’s most important weed delivery, but im going to deliver the SHIT out of that weed”
“hibiki please its not weed”
“ALRIGHT FAM LETS DELIVER THE SHIT OUT OF THIS WEED”
Big thick black cars surround Ryoko’s tiny vehicle as they all drive in unison to the drop point.
No fucking around here. The weed must be delivered.
The weed? Secured as shit.
“its not fucking weed it’s a goddamned french sword okay god”
“ROAD’S LOOKIN’ A-OKAY FOR OUR WEEEED DRIIIIIIVE”
PSYCHE, NO IT AINT. ROAD’S CRACKING UP HARD. COMES APART, CAR FUCKING EXPLODES!
“oh my god we seriously arent fucking around here those guys are fucking dead”
“bruh you never delivered weed before? that shit happens all the time”
“anyway grab on to something ‘cause we’re gonna initial d this shit”
youtube
“i thought we were delivering WEED not SUSHI”
“WEED... SUSHI... IT’S ALL FUCKING METAPHORS, HIBIKI. AND WE’RE GONNA DELIVER EM!”
“now ORDER UP, MOTHERFUCKER”
Every car is destroyed.
Ryoko flips the car like nobody’s business.
“ryoko! the kansai drift was too strong!”
“your delivery’s late, pal. that’s gonna have to come out of your tip.”
“jokes on you! you already paid the tip beforehand online!”
“oh, we’re going with pizza jokes now? is that what we’re doing? yeah, sure, whatever”
Unfortunately, Chris ordered her pizza with meat, extra crispy.
“FUCK, i cant see anything. now i don’t know if they have the weed- i mean, the sushi- er, the pizza- god i hate all these JOKES”
RYOKO SUMMONS A FUCKING SHIELD OUTTA NOWHERE WHILE HIBIKI’S KNOCKED OUT COLD
“yo hol’ up a moment did this pervert manage to summon a shield”
“are- are you able to fight the noise? are you fucking kidding me? this entire time when literal children were fighting these battles, you literally could have fought back effectively? are we but mere playthings to you? is this really the bullshit im seeing?”
“uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i can only make shields. piss shields, out of piss”
“that is absolute fucking bullshit”
“but i believe it.”
Hibiki has primed her fists and is about to show how much she’s improved combat wise, which is actually a lot.
Nevermind, she tripped again. Turns out, Symphogears fight in heels constantly, which is absolutely fucking horrifying. Hibiki realizes this, and then
FUCKING BREAKS THE HEELS LIKE NOBODY’S BUSINESS.
AND THEN SHE WRECKS SHOP WITHOUT BREAKING A GODDAMN SWEAT
“oh shit how the fuck did she improve this quickly”
The suitcase where the sword is stored opens up. That means it’s activating.
Immediate fear.
“alright bruce lee you mightve mastered a thousand kicks but you better change your gameplan because im about to realign that pretty little face of yours”
“thank god you kicked me. needed you to get closer so i could kick your ass, after all”
The fucking suitcase, I shit you not, pops open immediately with the sword flipping to the sky like a bad Gmod toy as it suddenly stays floating, perfectly still.
“ive officially lost track on what the hell is happening”
The sword just floats there, as a sword does.
“you know how many fried turkeys i can cut open with that bad boy? that shits mine now.”
Chris goes to get it.
“fuck you! im going to slice HONEYBAKED HAMS with that sword!”
Hibiki intercepts it and takes the sword.
Now Hibiki becomes a proud Stand owner, having acquired the power of The World and stopping time at will.
“oooooh holy shit”
Hibiki, now channeling the power of Durandal, feels the raw strength of a completed relic all through her body.
Real spicy stuff running through her veins.
The power unleashing itself into a raw stream of piss skyrocketing into the stratosphere.
“the pizza has been delivered... all according to plan...”
“...she was right. honeybaked ham was the superior meat to slice...”
Hibiki is channeling a power source so ancient, so powerful, that through using her as a conduit, the sword actually finishes itself into its full, completed form.
Holy shit, Hibiki.
Goddamn. That’s a really sexy sword, actually! Pretty nice...
...oh.
You’re not looking so hot, pal...
“why is it that every opponent of mine can literally asspull all this garbage and im stuck here looking like a bad kamen rider villian getting my ass kicked every time. its not fair.”
Ryoko looks extremely hyped for this event. Maybe a little too much so.
“MAN FUCK THIS NONSENSE IM PUTTING AN END TO THE SUPER SENTAI POWERUP”
“O-OH FUCK- uh, i didnt say that. totally swear. you uh, keep doing that. yeah. aha.”
“SLICED...”
“...HONEYBAKED...”
“oh god. oh god. im sorry. im sorry. im so sorry. oh fuck im so sorry. honeybaked ham is better. fuck turkeys. fuck drumlegs. fuck any sort of fried meat. honeybaked ham is better please im begging you dont vore me or slice me in half IM BEGGING YOU OH GOD”
“...HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!”
“ham..... mmmmm... honeybaked ham....”
“WHO YELLED ABOUT HAM? god, im hungry now.”
Hibiki wakes up from it all after passing out, expressing a power of magnitudes unheard of, as if it were all a bad dream.
“YEAH THATS RIGHT WE HAD TO DELIVER THE WEED PIZZA AND I WANTED HAM AND- THE SWORD, YEAH! THE SWORD!”
To her disappointment, amongst this wanton destruction, no ham was found. Ryoko clues her in that Hibiki just single handedly completed a relic, and though the entire place is a mess, the mission wasn’t a complete failure. They’ll just have to return the relic back to base, now the entire location is, conveniently, destroyed.
“yeah yeah. the weed made it. the sushi made it. the pizza made it. what didnt we deliver today?”
“...”
“singing really does make you hungry, huh?”
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so when I saw infinity war the second time, i brought a pen and a notebook with me and took notes in the dark the whole time. for my second endgame viewing yesterday, i did the same. i now present to you my Thoughts About Endgame. (this is. long.)
Major Spoilers Ahead.
okay seriously, nobody called clint up when there was a giant invasion in wakanda??? nobody???
also it was daytime in wakanda when the snap happened. it’s also daytime wherever clint is in america when the snap happens. someone explain.
god the dawning panic when clint realizes his family is gone. that whole scene is so empty and unsettling, it was shot really well
i automatically associate 80s music with space thanks to marvel.
tony stark adopting strays everywhere he goes since 2013.... i love this about him
nebula finally got to win something!!!! “it was fun.”
and then she gives him their final ration. i’m- :((((
back on earth..... thank god the beard is gone.
“I lost the kid” tony’s face wow that’s devastating, no thanks
“Is um...” what was tony going to say after that??
“I thought you were a build-a-bear.” “Maybe I am.” fuckign.... tony please sdfgdfg
“And I needed you.” tony :(((
“No trust. Liar.” this entire scene is just. chilling. heartbreaking. tony has nothing left for anyone, and especially nothing left for steve, except-
him ripping the metaphorical heart out of his chest and handing it to steve made me literally gasp the first time i watched this film. i feel like it hasn’t been talked about enough, but it’s incredibly poetic.
“where are you going?” “to kill thanos” i haven’t seen captain marvel but i’m already in love with carol danvers
and now they have hope, they still think they can bring everyone back... what a dangerous thing
suddenly steve is looking at his locket of peggy all the time.starting in this film only. can we let him grieve for his actual friends?? you know, the ones he just lost? does he even mention sam or bucky in the entire film? alright russos, i have several bones to pick with you about this, but alright....
i gotta say, when i first watched this i was astounded that thanos destroyed the stones and then got beheaded in the first twenty minutes. it really left me wondering, well- what now? and that was exciting.
five years later. i mean, we knew there would be a time jump, but i wasn’t expecting this.
we’re really calling this cameo by russo representation huh
lol
and like??? steve brings up nobody he lost in the snap, instead chosing to focus on “the love of his life” that he met and lost in 1945. this struck me as odd the first time i watched and now i’m like. man they’re really trying 2 justify their later decision, huh
so they’re calling those who were snapped “The Vanished” according to the sanfran memorial
avengers r still a thing and their complex has actually grown in size?? who is funding this. is it tony
my next note just says HAIR SDFDSDFG aka heLLO carol danvers
nat :((((
crying and eating a sandwich is a mood
god. the quiet grief
natasha romanoff has come such a long way from her introduction in iron man 2. she cries freely, loves her family, actively wants to be a better person, even if a lot of her family isn’t around today. i just- love her so much.
“we both need to get a life.” “you first.” goddamnit
i.... love happy, peaceful, good dad Tony Stark, so much.
“define lunch or be disintegrated” morgan h stark is so cute
“you like going in the garage, huh? so does daddy.” tony was already so proud of her god i just :((((
me, zooming in on nat: ARROW NECKLACE
does she only wear that when she’s missing clint, or
I’m truly in my feelings about Tony being The Best Dad
Bruce apparently spent 18 months in a gamma lab, which is interesting.
god the scene with the kids asking for a selfie was so cringe are you telling me they could include this but steve couldn’t mourn for his friends
tony does dishes now. a true housedad.
that’s!!!! his first son!!!!!! :((((((
can you believe it was peter parker who pushed tony to invent time travel
“i’ve got something on my mind.” “is it juice pops?” i’m just thinking now about how howard most definitely would have sent tony straight to bed, but tony lets morgan stay up and eat juice pops with him. this is just. straight up great content.
“I love you 3000″ can you just. his face when she says that. also i’m never getting over that phrase ever
“I can stop,” Tony says, on the brink of inventing time travel.
“But would you be able to rest?” says Pepper, who has been trying and failing to get him to stop for a good 15 years.
the parallels between this and her last words to tony. ouch.
this is such a good and steady relationship now :(.
sdfgfdfg why is steve dressing like he’s from the 40s again is this a visual sign of his regression
god they did thor so dirty in this film. not with his character- him falling into great depression and having ptsd is not a bad thing, but treating it like a joke is. the audience is invited to laugh at him. Bad.
thor threatening “noobmaster69″ over the headset for his rock friend is very funny though.
hey tokyo looks alright compared to a lot of america.
every single clintasha scene in this film kills the man.
also everyone knows thanos’s name. i assume that means the world knows why everyone disappeared.
“you’re only a genius on earth” yeah but who invented time travel, rocket
rhodey wanting to straight up murder baby thanos is hilarious
the explanations of time travel in this film give me a headache
“TIME HEIST BRAINSTORMING SESSION”
bruce, nat and tony all laying around throwing ideas back and forth.... this movie is valid sometimes
“see you in a minute,” natasha says, and she’s smiling.
this is her family you guys :(((((
NEW YORK 2012
MY FAVOURITE SCENE
omg bruce making such a halfhearted attempt at smashing things please i love
okay cut to 2013 Asgard, and Thor sneaks right by his currently dead brother without even looking at him. this movie confuses me
fuck the scene where rocket slaps thor for having a panic attack. i’m glad thor ended up abandoning him.
okay so everything important happens between 2012-2014
cap/tony/scott, clintasha, nebula/rhodey.... these are such ideal teamups
“we’re a long way from budapest” give me my clintasha movie, marvel!!!
okay back in 2012, HOW did JARVIS not register the fact that there were two steves and two tonys in Stark Tower
god this entire scene is fucking hilarious the entire mcu was worth everything for the 2012 time travel scene
fuckign.... loki
ELEVATOR SCENE
as a cap 2 stan i feel so validated
HA IL HYDRA
WHEN I SAY I GASPED IN DELIGHT
CAP VS CAP
“I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY”
“YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW”
sadfgfdfg are u really telling me that cap takes the peggy locket everywhere
BUCKY IS ALIVE
THAT IS AMERICAS ASS SDFGFSDF PLEASE
2012 avengers best avengers
meanwhile the sorcerer lady is giving bruce a time travel lesson and i didn’t understand any of it but basically each reality requires six stones in order to not be torn apart by the forces of darkness? ??
I’m just glad thor got some kind of closure by talking to his mom
side note you can definitely tell that frigga raised loki
“EAT A SALAD”
“i’m still worthy” asdfgfdf yeah but now this timeline thor has no hammer!!!
QUILL SDFGFDSDFGHFDS
this movie is so entertaining
i live for nebula and rhodey just judging everyone
so do the guardians just.... not happen in the 2014 timeline?
gamora is ready to Fight thanos when the maw threatens nebula
was that young alexander pierce headed underground in 1970?
bone 2 pick with this whole time travel thing
thor got closure by talking to his mom
tony got closure by talking to his dad
steve saw peggy working, successful and thriving, through a window. closure where????
he should have gotten a chance to talk to her and received closure that way.
hank pym is an asshole but i guess we already knew that
“my wife is expecting” so tony was born 1970/1971 ig
howard’s dad beat him with a belt. i suppose every stark does a little better parenting-wise
Jarvis!!!!!!! agent carter is canon!!!!
vormir oh god here we go
“under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome” i’m inclined to agree with clint
this part goddamit
handholding :((((
my next note just says “aveng ers 1 paralels fu k”
the way this was filmed was beautiful. the colours, the lighting, the acting, the dialogue, the parallels to the first clintasha fight in avengers 1..... if natasha had to die, this was.... a good death, i think.
“damn you!”
“it’s okay.”
clint is begging her this hurts so much :(((
god. tears.
clint just sobbing in the water with the soul stone in his hand hits some kind of way
where is natasha’s funeral, huh??? why does steve shed like one (1) tear?
also why does the gauntlet need to physically be snapped like what does that dO
i just realized that thor’s fake eye is amber.
Infinity Stones:
almost killed thanos after 2 uses
destroyed bruce’s arm
killed tony
imagine an alternate scene where all six original avengers survived until this point and all of them held one stone as they snapped thanos’s army out of existence. that would have been the ultimate fanservice and i would have astral projected. anyway we’re getting off topic
“don’t change anything from the last five years.” what tony means is “please don’t erase my daughter”.
SNAP
yay they did it except-
how did everyone survive thanos blowing up the avengers compound
2014 gamora sounds just- slightly different than 2018 gamora. a little harsher. the guardians haven’t yet softened her edges.
“we become sisters” and suddenly gamora has hope
i- did that lightning just braid thor’s hair sdfgdsdfgh
this is a harsher thanos. thanos who died in 2018 had been changed. weakened, maybe.
thor, cap and tony fought in avengers one. now, they’re fighting thanos together.
l just. love that clint has a sword now.
“he won’t let me” nebula.... :(((((( and she dies crying
i have a note here that says “thor’s lightning + tony = c o o l”
STEVE WITH MJOLNIR
ASDFGFSDF FUCK THIS WAS WORTH EVERYTHING MARVEL HAS EVER PUT ME THROUGH
LIGHTNING POWERS
i LIVE
oooh it’s personal for thanos now
ON
YOUR
LEFT
the portals scene fUCK
this is just. worth it. on every level.
PETER AND TONY
“this is nice” please :((((((
poor peter quill gets snapped, gamora’s loss fresh in his mind, then he thinks he’s gotten her back and she’s not the gamora he knew. ouch.
tell me why everyone but steve gets a reunion scene lol
peter introducing himself to everyone!!!! he’s so sweet.
CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS ARRIVED
i’m gay. oh my god.
hhhhgn hair
GIRLS
this is fanservice!!! as in, i am a fan and i feel fuckign SERVICED
thor duel welding mjolnir and stormbreaker is AWESOME.
strange holds up one finger. tony gives a look of heartbreaking acceptance.
god. tony stark, you brave, brave man. he knew he wasn’t going to survive this one.
“I am inevitable.”
“I. am. Iron Man.”
SNAP (2)
you lose, thanos.
but also, i lose, because oh god tony.
peter :(((
“Mr Stark!”
“Sir!!”
“Tony!!”
oh. fuck.
“you can rest now” do you SEE the parallels to the earlier conversation between tony and pepper :(((
the arc reactor going out physically broke me
i didn’t take many notes after this because i was literally sobbing lol
“I love you 3000″ stabs me again
“proof that tony stark has a heart” yes well my heart is breaking
happy :((( is morgan’s jarvis :(((((
Queen!!!! Valkyrie!!!
this dick measuring contest between Quill and Thor got old five hours of content ago.
:))))) rage time :))))))
bruce tried to bring back nat with the snap :(((
oh god bucky.
his face!!!!! his voice!!!! he’s trying to be strong and find but he looks dead inside
i just- fuck. he knew and he let steve go.
why did he show up on that bench i don’t understand
“I’m happy for you” are you telling me sam wasn’t the least bit hurt or mad
the ONLY good thing about this is Captain Sam
fuck steve tho
what year is this dance in
i mean. it’s sweet. but this is not steve.
I think i’ve talked enough about my dislike of the direction steve’s character went in in this film. that was the major point of dislike for me, but given that the council has made a stupid ass decision i’ve elected to ignore it. i understand that both tony and steve had to make their exist from the franchise here, but.... there were better ways to go about that.
i think a few different relationships slipped through the cracks here- characters suddenly grieving people they haven’t seen in /years/ and completely ignoring others who only recently died was a big one for me. but other characters saw a lot of development- nebula was a favourite of mine in this film, which i was not expecting! she and rhodey made a really good team- i feel like they understand one another.
the Original Six all saw a decent amount of screen time, which i appreciated. nobody got left behind there. there were so many references to other films that i know i didn’t catch them all, but it really made this movie seem like a love letter to the fans.
i want to make it clear that i actually loved most of this film. i think it was a good send off for the avengers and i love a good time travel plot (like, it’s one of my all-time favourite tropes. i was vibrating with excitement in the theater during the 2012 scenes.) i went in expecting a lot of the emotion to be sidelined in favor of plot and action, and while that happened a little bit, i was overall pleasantly surprised with the amount of emotion that they fit into this film. characterization and emotion is perhaps even more important to me than a good plot, and this film got the emotion down.
it’s definitely not a perfect film but it could have been so much worse, so i’m grateful that we got a good sendoff for the avengers.
7/10.
#endgame#endgame spoilers#avengers endgame#marvel#spoilers#shelby reviews movies#it took me two hours to write this out bye
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ok after a tumultuously emotional night i’m just gonna. talk abt my endgame thoughts for a sec
overall......i’m not a fan. i’ll admit to being biased - the characters i believed deserved proper closure/happy endings/not dying pretty much didn’t get that so i’m just like uhhhh what. like, there were a lot of specific moments in the movie i REALLY LIKED but then the rest of the movie was either unpleasant, dragged on too long (i knew going 3 hours would be shit), or i was just rly overwhelmed and confused as to what was happening.
things that i liked:
PEPPER POTTS FINALLY BECAME RESCUE HOLY SHITTTTTT
STEVE AND MJOLNIR YES FINALLY
the time travel sequences in the 2nd act were kind of all over the place, but i did like the concept of revisiting past mcu films now that it’s been so long for a fun nostalgia trip. my fav of the time travel trips was going back to the battle of new york in 2012
nebula had a prominent role in the movie!!!! yeehaw!!!
tony and pepper got married and had a kid and my 2014 pepperony heart rly did explode!!!!!!!! wow!!!!
JARVIS!!! WAS THERE!!!!!!!! my agent carter heart exploded!!!!!! bring that show back pls
things that i disliked:
the dialogue was weird and cringey but i guess that’s what makes a true avengers movie huh (started from the bottom - “i have a plan: attack” - now we here - “i am inevitable”) lmfao
so many scenes dragged on soooo longgggg i knew being 3 hours long would be a bad idea
does anyone know how time travel works
how did past nebula bring 2014 thanos & co. to the future without pym particles
how did present nebula kill past nebula without undoing her own existence in the present
how did steve travel back in time to be with peggy then still existed in the same present day timeline for sam and bucky to encounter him as an old man
like what peggy carter did we meet in this timeline in catws if steve went back in time and got with her
wait does that mean there are super soldier serum babies running around in the present day since steve implied he had a family
what happened to 2014 gamora did she just fuck off to somewhere else at after the battle....she rly should’ve been in the epic tracking shot at tony’s funeral
UM HEY THE FACT THAT!!!! TONY DIED!!!!!! EXCUSE ME? like why did they give him a family and all that for him to just fucking. die
tbh i don’t think anyone had to die bc i think steve could’ve just chilled out and retired somewhere and then tony could’ve retreated to his cabin and then...natasha
NATASHA!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK
lol i truly am a clown bc natasha was my #1 reason for getting into the mcu at all in the first place and eventually my priorities and interests shifted toward gamora & the gotg......so basically the 2 fem characters i LOVED to death for years died in the same exact bullshit way
ALSO.....the soul stone rules do not make sense to me like....i thought you have to sacrifice what you love most....and you’re telling me that clint loves natasha more than anything else like idk his wife or children.....
look y’all i LOVE cl*ntasha but this was bullshit in the canon that we were presented with and you know it
also just. what was up with emo clint y’all that was kinda extra
ok wait i’m sorry but can we go back to steve/peggy bc wtf peggy has been shown and stated MULTIPLE TIMES to have moved on with her life after grieving steve and eventually married a dude and had kids and HAD A WHOLE LIFE!!!! without steve and steve literally went back in time and UNDID ALL THAT to get some?!?!
also why would steve, after turning the world upside down searching for bucky, abandon bucky to having to suffer THE SAME EMO SHIT STEVE DID living in the present as his ‘40s self.......y’all
what was the point of the bruce/hulk hybrid thing i’m CONFUSED
why didn’t they explain why hulk didn’t come out in iw i’m sdlkfbnklsdfb
why is thor always treated as a joke in pretty much every avengers movie....he has suffered so much he deserves better
it’s clear to me that the russos did not know how to use carol so they totally wasted her potential in this movie by barely using her
have i talked abt the gotg yet? let me talk abt the gotg REAL FUCKIN QUICK
where the fuck is our gamora did they rly just undo YEARS of character and relationship development in their arguably best developed character by not bringing her back.....bro
peter quill’s pain and trauma is once again played off for laughs
like honestly HELLO he is probably kind of upset that the gamora he knew and loved is fucking DEAD still!!!!!!!!!! fuck the balls kicking scene i don’t like it
also wtf was up with some of nebula’s writing like somehow she went from being “fuck thanos rights he’s not my father” in the gotg films to “my father”-this, “my father-”-that like every 2 seconds in endgame
how did j*mes g*nn sign off on ANY of this when he was consulting
oh and the cherry on top of it all.....the “gay character” honestly fuck russo bros rights i’m done
#i'll probably think of more stuff to add to this but uhhhhhh yeah these are my initial thoughts#now i'm gonna go eat my feelings pls excuse me#madison.txt#mcu#endgame spoilers#spoilers#endgame
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So, I’m running on a couple hours of sleep and I can’t figure out why I’m unable to go back to sleep, but I guess I’m just awake for the time being...
Anyways, I saw Endgame again for the second time last night, and I gotta admit, I disliked it just as much the second time as I did the first time.
Now, I’m not saying the entire movie was garbage. There were definitely some highlights, some fun moments, and some great character development (shoutout to my girl, Nebula, whom I love with all my heart), but honestly? The film left me overall extremely disappointed. Considering I went in with no expectations and still left disappointed, that’s saying something.
Consider this a warning because Endgame spoilers under the cut:
There are so many things about the movie that were rushed, poorly executed, sloppy, or just overall confusing (looking at you, bullshit explanation of time travel). And as much as I’d like to go through the movie and dissect everything scene-by-scene, I just don’t have the energy for that.
What I wanna do instead is talk about Loki’s very minimal role in it, because I am extremely upset and disappointed in Loki’s story arc or lack thereof.
Why?
Because the few scenes Loki was in were a few one-off jokes to get the audience’s attention and nothing more. We see him in his cell on Asgard in 2013 when Thor and Rocket go back for the Aether. The pair literally sneak by his cell, but they do nothing with the scene. Loki doesn’t notice them (as he really fucking should, because Loki is one of the most observant characters in Asgard) and Thor doesn’t hesitate for even a moment to look back at his now-dead brother.
Throughout the entire movie, Thor says nothing about Loki’s death, nothing about missing Loki even though Loki’s death (and Heimdall’s death) was a huge catalyst for the depression that he fell into. He watched Thanos murder his brother after Loki tried to stop him, after losing Heimdall and half of the Asgardians, after sacrificing the Tesseract and himself so Thor could live. Loki’s death shakes him (as it usually does, but this time, it’s supposedly authentically real). And yet, throughout the entire movie, he never once mentions Loki, doesn’t even pay attention to Loki when he gets to see his brother alive, and hyper-focused on his mother instead. Yes, I get that her death stung, but her death is also over a decade old. He’s processed it, been through a lot more since then, and while I understand him having issues with visiting the day she died, there is so much more for Thor to think about, to worry about, to mourn.
And Loki should have been at the top of that list. They were finally reconciling, finally getting back to a decent place as brothers and friends...
Then we have the scenes from the first Avengers film in 2012. Where Loki is literally just in the background, making jokes while in chains. He’s been defeated, he knows what’s going to happen next, and he’s just? Making jokes? Even though that was, quite literally, one of the worst times in Loki’s life physically, mentally, and emotionally. He would not have been turning his defeat and inevitable demise into one massive joke. He barely even got a line at all (half of his only line was as Captain America, so I mean... Because Cap definitely needed more screentime, am I right?) and while yes, his expressions and little tidbits in the background were funny, the entire film seemed to turn him into a giant joke.
Given what they did to Thor, I shouldn’t be surprised. Someone who values appearances and being well-received as much as Thor is thrown into such a horrible depression that he puts on a ton of weight, becomes nothing more than a drunk hermit, and doesn’t take care of himself because of the guilt, trauma, PTSD, and panic attacks that came along with the events of Infinity War and they turned him into a walking, talking fat joke who cried the whole time... mkay.
But anyway, back to the point I’m making. Which is how disappointed in Loki’s arc I am.
Yes, they do go out of their way to show off Tony losing the Tesseract, which skitters over to Loki’s feet, and he quickly picks it up and vanishes. I’ll give the film that, but earlier in the movie, they put so much emphasis on making sure the audience understood that changing the past doesn’t change the future with some sort of ridiculous “when you travel back in time, that becomes your future and you in the present becomes your past” logic.
Later, we see the Ancient One discussing how taking an Infinity Stone out of its proper place in the timeline can create varying alternate timelines, but that seemed very specific to the removal of the Infinity Stones, but nothing else.
So, worst case scenario is that Loki taking the Tesseract and darting off actually meant nothing because changing the past doesn’t change the future (I am still having such a hard time wrapping my mind around that because it doesn’t make sense). Best case scenario is that it does matter because an alternate timeline was created, but if that’s the case, there’s a very distinct possibility that Loki only still exists in that alternate timeline. And if by some defiance of canon, Loki taking the Tesseract and running does allow him to show up again later in the same timeline, literally all of his character development since The Avengers would have been undone...
But what was really, honestly heartbreaking? Watching all of the portals open at the final battle and watching all of the vanished walk through them. We see all of our favorites and in the theater, I was holding my breath, waiting for Loki to come through one of them.
And he never did.
It was a heartbreaking moment because in Infinity War, they killed him off so quickly in such a ridiculous way. I’m so sorry, but Loki canonly knows more about Thanos than 98% of the MCU characters. He would not attempt to kill Thanos with a concealed dagger while Thanos is wielding more than one Infinity Stone. It’s just? Not going to happen, honestly. Loki’s far too clever, far too sneaky, and far too knowledgable on Thanos to pull something that stupid.
Not to mention, more powerful. While MCU has never really developed Loki’s abilities to their fullest potential, Loki has so many tools and resources in magic, combat, and strategizing that what he did literally makes no sense. It was almost set up to look like a fake death, but they’re trying to sell it like it was real.
Please tell me how a God--someone who has survived multiple times in space without the ability to breathe, who has suffered fatal wounds and lived to tell the tale--dies from being choked out? That doesn’t even begin to feel or look authentic, and yet, the Russos will claim that it is.
Loki died at the hands of one of his greatest abusers. He deserved to come back, to walk through one of those portals and stand up against Thanos.
If they weren’t going to make him more important to the story by playing off his death as part of a bigger plan, they at least owed him that. Loki could have been such a valuable asset in the fight against Thanos because he literally knows so much about him, but that potential was pissed on.
But no, he didn’t get that chance. Heimdall didn’t get it. Vision didn’t get it. Anyone who died pre-snap didn’t get it.
And that’s what gets me the most? Because with the Infinity Stones, you can do literally anything, especially while wielding all of them. If Thanos could destroy an entire universe and make a new one as he was planning to do in Endgame, there is no reason you couldn’t bring other people back. There was no reason that those who died pre-snap couldn’t have come back as well. The only people I can justify being gone for good, honestly, are those that were sacrificed for the Soul Stone, because you must exchange a soul for a soul. Loki and Heimdall and Vision were not such people, so they should have been given the same chances that everyone else were given.
But they didn’t get that chance and I am heartbroken by what I saw in that movie.
I didn’t expect Loki to be a huge part of Endgame, but I was hopeful that they would at least give him some validation and a chance to fight back. Instead, we may never see him again going forward because of the blatant disrespect to his character. Yes, I know they’re making a Loki show, and while I’m tentatively excited for it, that’s not the same as seeing Loki survive Endgame and continue forward in MCU.
Honestly? It’s really fucking depressing that a character so wildly loved by so many has been reduced to this. I’ve spent seven years of my life writing and developing this character on my own ever since I fell in love with him. Loki’s such a huge and important part of my life and that love for him is not reflected in MCU.
And I’m really angry and bitter about that.
#endgame#avengers endgame#endgame spoilers#avengers endgame spoilers#index; loki#filed under; affiliates#filed under; dislikes#filed under; headcanons#filed under; inspiration#filed under; traits#index; mun#filed under; mun things#filed under; mun vs muse#filed under; About the Blogger#c; thor odinson#c; thanos#{ i'm just really upset and disappointed y'all#honestly i really fucking am }
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ok here's some totally incoherent thoughts about endgame that i just have to write down or i might explode
spoilers: i loved it
also actual spoilers spoilers very spoilery spoilers
1. Steve and the goddddamn mjölnir!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!! when thor, iron man and cap were like 'aw yeahhh we're gonna fight thanos' i was like what the heckie is steve even doing there, supersoldier or not he's just a human. then thor drops his hammer and i’m like oh my gods please literally crossing my fingers. then thor’s fight is not going so well and oh no he definitely needs someone to save him! i’m like ohhhhhmygooddss. and THEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS HELL YEAHHHHH
2. steve & peggy dance. yes. just yes. fucking finally. i love it. it was perfect i cried
3. clint should’ve died. (finally haha) he was my fave since before the avengers and i was so sure he was going to die back then, but then he didn’t and look what’s became of him since.......... i had a violent flashback to watching age of ultron for the first time and for the first time just hoping that my fave character (that would be clint) would just die, bc they’re screwing his character over so badly........ and most definitely it. should. not. have. been. natasha. who. died. that was such a bullshit i mean WHAT THE FUCK????
i mean maybe clint and natasha were the only remaining avengers that actually loved each other (?¿¿????¿¿¿?¿ tho that’s just flimsy, i’m just trying to....idek) and that’s why it had to be them on that stupid fuckin death cliff, but why did natasha have to die?? just because clint had a family (still with no actual characterization, not that i even care, or maybe i would if the movies had given me any reason to...) to return to and she didn’t??that fucking sucks and what sucks even more is that not only was natasha the only character that died (i’m not even counting tony, bc that was very Different) but she’s the only original female avenger AND it’s the same stupd fucking rock that the only original female gotg gamora died in such a bullshit way just last movie??? goddddd i hated that so much
like maybe if she hadn’t been the first one to die and all the original avengers would’ve died as was i kinda hoping (tho i love happy endings so i didn’t actually hope that it would happen..), maybe then i would be okay with her being dead. now i am very much not okay, and that means very much not okay in a angry way, not in a sad way
4. speaking of death: to me tony’s was perfect. i might not be the biggest fan of how he always got the most screentime and a bigger role than other characters, but i can’t deny that he definitely is the heart of the whole mcu and it had to be him who saves the day in the end and what else could it have been that a very tony-like self-sacrifice..... god i cried. i loved that he got a funeral (even tho natasha didn’t...) and i loved his funeral with all the people and fricking harley and then the kid saying how much she likes cheeseburgers and the frickin ‘proof that tony stark has a heart’ and sfghkklkghhhh
5. i gasped audibly when i noticed that natasha was wearing the arrow necklace
6. i kinda forgot that vision ever even existed..... in the end i first thought that wanda was talking about pietro and then i was like ok well maybe not maybe she’s talking about tony or something WHICH MAKES NO SENSE LOL i don’t even remember what she actually said, but as was pointed out to me, she was probably talking about vision. who was a thing that existed... whoops
7. ugh i hate brucenat, i really thought we were over that shit already. i also very much disliked that they actually decided to go with professor hulk, but idk w/e i don’t care that much. but natasha’s death sucked tho and the one thing i do not want to see is bruce’s pain or whatever when the movie didn’t even give me the time or reason to actually grieve for her goddd that whole thing was such a bullshit
8. i did not like that thor was treated as a joke most of his screentime........
9. that stevepeggy dance tho. love it. it’ll probably take me at least another seven years to get over it
10. i fricking adored the whole going back in time thing, especially the 2012. the callbacks and the humor really worked for me, the elevator scene straight from cap2 but reversed and hail hydra and steve fighting steve and loki’s expressions when things go wrong and goddhhh i loved it all aaaaaaa, that was the moment when i was like ok i need to see this movie again immediately....
also the fact that their time travel rules were that they were just creating new paths or w/e i guess, and not actually changing what happened to them specifically... good. so many aus
11. that final battle was so perfectly epic
12. tho shouldn’t valkyrie’s (who really just doesn’t have a real name, now does she..) horse have died after being shot haha
13. i loved that clint had the gauntlet for so long, like he’s definitely the Least Qualified Person to keep it safe, why would that be his job, it was amazing
14. i hated natasha’s death with burning passion, but i loved how she and clint fought each other over who gets to throw themselves off that cliff. tho i really hoped that their ‘yeahh we know what we have to do’ would’ve rather meant that they decided to just throw red skull down bc who even knows if it even actually needs love sacrifice or w/e, a soul is a soul is a soul
15. i loved the human jarvis whatever-his-first-name-was cameo and i really need to finally watch/rewatch agent carter
16. i really liked the tony howard scene even if i thought it felt a bit iffy, bc i feel like there’s so much more to unpack w/ those daddy issues.... but maybe that scene means that there is that one universe where howard was actually a good dad. i want to believe that. yeah. (maybe not but let me dream)
17. i like how they totally forgot that sharon carter ever even existed
18. damn that moment when black panther comes through that portal
19. damn that moment when gi ant-man is giant
20. damn that final battle was so epic
21. damn that steve with mjölnir
22. this movie was SO GOOD when it was good and so mehhh when it was bad, and i’m really glad that it was just good enough that i can forgive overlook all of its flaws. (tho i will not forgive what they did to natasha, even if i can mostly ignore it when thinking about how good most of the rest of the movie was) but idk if it would’ve been perfect, maybe i wouldn’t have survived
like there’s this One Huge Thing (natasha) that really brings down the movie that otherwise would’ve been just Amazing
23. i don’t know if my heart has ever beaten as fast as when steve finally picks up the hammer. never while watching a movie, at least
24. i love that carol has her short haircut, bc it bothered me so much in cpn marvel that she should not have been able to see anything when her hair was just constantly on her face haha
25. i feel nothing but seething resentment towards clint’s stupid family and that stupid family man role he is stuck with
26. why was natasha’s hair so weird and ugly. why can’t it just be red??
27. clint’s hair was weird and ugly too and i think i have finally kinda given up on mcu!clint (tho he has those small Very Good moments and i cry for what could’ve been.....we could’ve have it aaaaaalllll.... i think i’m going to watch swat (2003) again and still pretend it’s the clint backstory movie i deserve haha, it’s been ages since i’ve seen it idk if it would still work for me, i’m gonna try)
28. i love nebula tho
29. i loved the trip down memory lane! frigga!!!! the way the continuation of the avengers capturing loki just felt so natural and like it probably happened just like that! nebula and rhodey judging quill’s singing and dancing haha yes! everything! just as i was hoping it would be!
30. doesn’t really have anything to do with this movie but: i still firmly believe that coulson never died. i still firmly believe that pietro never died.
31. falcon cap helll yeah!!
32. i guess i’ll never get my strike team delta movie with clintasha best friends soulmates and with buckynat and the red room......... goddd there really should’ve been a black widow movie after cap2. like that was The Perfect Spot for a black widow movie, it’s really a crime that there isn’t one, and even if they make a black widow movie now, it’ll definitely be too little too late.
33. like..... a for effort..... for that female heroes girl power.... ughhhh.... scene, i guess, but that. does. not. cut. it. when you have just killed natasha
34. things i really wished they would say in some perfect moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble!” “i am iron man”. things they did say in those moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble” “i am iron man”, gogssgddd that was perfect
(ok i also really did wish steve would’ve said the “i could do this all day” in the fight but couldn’t say bc the movie had just made fun of that.. i’m kinda sad but haha it’s not that big of a deal, maybe if he hadnt said it in civil war which i dont like but well...)
35. haha people are already complaining about the steve going back thing and how it’s definitely not moving on and erasing character development or whatever and HA. i finally got my stevepeggy dance i don’t care about anything else i am so happy!!!!!
36. i am so glad i managed to avoid any spoilers bc i hear that there was some pretty massive ones going around??¿?¿?
37. also: ok from here on out i am not here for any of you negative nancys complaining (probably very reasonable complaints idec) about the movie, god i really wish it was 2012 again
38. in final thoughts: i absolutely loved it and i love that it turns out that i’m apparently still very much marvel trash........ if natasha hadn’t died, especially in such a bullshit way, i would’ve been able to overlook everything else that was kinda meh about the movie and just purely and blindly loved it. i still did love it, a lot, but now there’s that bitter aftertaste.....
ok now, maybe that’s enough rambling and repeating myself.......
i’m going to need to see it again asap
//EDIT
39. I FORGOT TO MENTION IT BC I FORGOT ABOUT IT but goooooooooodddd i loved nebula and tony playing that game in the beginning and tony letting nebula win ääääää
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ENDGAME KILLED ME
Okay, so I'm just gonna rant and yall ain't gotta read jack squat. this is for me to find in a couple of years and hate myself for ;)
WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK FUCK WAS UP WITH NAT DYING LIKE AND TONY DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER AND STEVE WENT BACK TO PEGGY AND TONY AND HOWARD AND LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI LOKI
Okay. One thing at a time
I was a little bitch and found it online first, and then went to go see it in the theaters cause I had to work opening weekend and Spoilers are a botch. also, I knew i would be crying a lot and so I was able to pause it while I was at home so its fine don't worry about it.
But like.
the opening, with Clint, teaching his daughter to shoot a bow, and then his family dying. I was crying. weeping. wasn’t sobbing yet.
tony and nebula playing paper football was great. thank you. like we got to see tony and nebula interact and nebula was stiff and awkward but not trying to kill Tony and Tony totally let her win and I love him for it. so much. I'm crying again. it's fine.
!!!!!!!!!!!!! rocket and nebula holding hands was so sweet!! it really shows you how upset they are cause of !!!!!!!!!!! yeah and nebula lost her sister, and then the rest of the Avengers. she failed.she couldn't even avenge her sister. and rocket. lost Groot once? and now it's even more painful. and he lost the rest of the guardians. and they only have each other now and I'm going to die
tony saying “I lost the kid” came into my house and shot me point blank in the chest
Tony yelling at Steve and throwing a fit was not what I expected and it upset me cause it was like watching your parents argue before the divorce. but yeah he was justified i believe.
Carol showing up was great and i loved her and Thor interacting!!
The first 20 minutes came into my house and shot me in the head cause that’s not how i was expecting this movie to go and I love it
Thanos destroying the stones. it makes sense now but before i saw the movie i never would’ve thought of it!!!
A rat saves the universe. Okay but how did strange know that the rat would do it like??? time magic wibbly wobbly stuff i guess
Also scott being the one to come up with the plan!! Love it!! ANd poor cassie!!
TONY STARK HAS A DAUGHTER! SHES ADORABLE AND ID KILL FOR HER TBH
I WANNA SEE MORGAN AND PETER INTERACT OKAY BYE
I’m trying to remember the order it happened like?? its so much but im not complaining!!!
yeah just time travel. not what i was expecting
OKAY SO
Steve, scott, and tony go back to 2012-the first avengers movie. Loki gets the Tesseract, and he disappears. that prompts tony seeing his dad and steve seeing peggy in 1970
but
Thor and rocket go to The Dark World movie. who cares what year. but it’s after 2012-the avengers. YOU SEE LOKI THERE. how? why? did they explain it and i missed it? is loki going to pop back up somehwere? I’m confused? is loki going to end up alive like gamora did? its past gamora brought into the present? its past loki brought into the future by him not being on that ship when thanos comes for the tesseract? how does the dark world happen w/o loki? how does Ragnorok happen? I am confusion. time travel logic confuses me unless its back to the future time travel logic.
Okay so the hulk. I’m cool with this development, I feel like the last movies with the hulk were leading up to this and it wasn't just hastily written into canon unlike somethings *cough* clint’s family in Age of Ultron *cough cough* what with the hulk leaving in age of Ultron and then him Ragnarok and his character in infinity war
my dad, on the other hand, is not going to be happy. I already texted him. He’s not happy with me
Okay so the ancient one already knew about strange??? like?? But then it leaves her and bruce not fighting and she’s like, “ well he must’ve had a reason” and i respect that
also the wizards fighting in 2012 was wrapped up in a nice little bow
steve fighting steve was great
steve being a smart cookie and saying “hail hydra” was neat but now the hydra dude are going to be confusion? and poor past steve, he has to fight himself and he heard “bucky is alive” hell think it was a joke and then when bucky is alive the guilt;’( i would feel guilty anyways) also i expect lots and lots of fanfic for me to read about steve finding bucky faster
Tony getting to talk to his dad!! Im so happy!! It s so great!! if only he got to see his kid again before he died!!
natasha... and clint.... i....
i watched the first avengers movie when i was aboutttt 10? i remember seeing nat kick ass. I loved their interactions. I . I knew she was going to be the one to die. i knew as soon as i saw them and only them there. the writers weren’t going to kill clint cause he was trying to get his family back nad they already established that the avengers was nat’s family. i cried then. im crying now. but seeing thise two genuinely willing to die so the other didn't?? that’s some good shit you can @ me if you like. and i dont feel like it took away from nat’s character. did tony’s sacrifice take away from his? no. no it didn’t i just wish that there had at least been clint lighting a candle for her at the end of the movie. some form of recognition. but thats what fics are for i guess
also her words were “see yall in a sec” or smthg like that before they all went into the past and im not okay
this ended up being longer than i intened.... im not even finished yet... ill just hit the high highlights from here on out
loki. love him. can’t wait to see more him
they really hyped up captain marvel wayyyyyy too much for my taste but she’s still badass and i love her
the peter and tony hug i was very grateful for but at that moment i knew tony was going to die. and so i cried twice as hard
pepperoni being the strongest they’ve ever been and I'm fucking here for it
or well i was...
steve wielding thor’s hammer (i cant spell, sue me) was great and i was happy all the way Up until his shield broke
tony’s funeral as really well done. the arc reactor pepper gave to tony, Harley being there, everyone being there. it was good. i cried. really loud. so yeah. his hologram. he fucking planned for dying so im not okay
also strange and the whole “if i tell you it won’t happen” what did that mean? that if he tells tony that tony will die he won’t snap??? uhhh sounds fake but okay marvel
peter is so going to have a shit ton of nightmares from when he was hugging the gauntlet on the ground and then the badass ladies coming to save him
great scene by the way 9/10. would be 10/10 but no Natasha
i wanna see harley and peter interact and be great big brothers to morgan
Steve going back in time was some utter fucking bullshit. that deserves it’s own rambling post from me so watch out for that mess i’ll post at a later date
all in all(that wasn’t everything I assure you I'm just tired)
I loved the movie. It didn’t let me down like Age of Ultron did. It seemed, to me anyways, to have fewer comedy moments than many of the earlier movies which is to be expected. I did not see the plot line with the time travel and the five year time skip though. I was not expecting that at all. thoroughly enjoyed it though, cause I had no expectations on what was going to happen. They kept dead/present! gamora dead but replaced her with past! gamora which im cool with i want more sisterly bonding with her and nebula and i can’t wait to see her and quill interact again. no bringing nat back, which i would’ve felt cheap if they had tried. like she sacrificed herself so clint could be with his family. if they could’ve just brought back whoever had died, it takes the weight away from the decision and cheapens her death. same with tony’s. i hate it so fucking much but the symbolism and the poetics ending of him anwsering thanos’s “I am inevitable” at the end of the film (which past-in-the-present him parroted from past present him the beginning of the film) with “I am Iron man” from the first film I just.... fucking died and ascended. my body left my soul... I lovedit. And the parallels with peter and him and peter died last time, tony died this time. Im not crying, you are. and yeah..
I hated it so much. But they did it really well. and pepper told him he could rest now.
Basically. It was a great movie. was it perfect? no. but what movie is? This movie was great and you can fight me on it thank you and good night <3
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Life Story 114
Spring was getting warmer again. I spent more or my days outdoors. I kept up with my appearance, I bought new dresses. It was 2012 and according to the Mayan calendar and the conspiracy theories that came with, this would be the last year of my life. I continued to be and do all the things I thought Josh wanted me to be and do.
Josh had scared Allison away by calling her a bitch over the phone and blaming the whole David-Whitney fiasco on her. He had definitely dealt her a very unfair card. We talked about that a lot. He felt very sorry to have her out of his life. I worried that Josh was growing bored of me. I could only ever be me after all. Things between him and I were always so analytical. We played a strange intellectual power game with one another night after night. We definitely got something from these interactions. But I didn't seem allowed to be fun most of the time with Josh. He didn't take interest in me in that way. Occasionally he would joke with me, but only on his end. I felt like I was trying to fit in his world in a way that didn't always work with me sometimes, but I enjoyed being around him all the time and being his special friend.
Josh indirectly asked me to convince Allison to come back over for visits to the madhouse every here and again. Deep down, I didn't want to do this. I had fought to get to this point where it was just him and I and I was finally living a life where I felt I had my own thing, but I also knew this was unrealistic that Josh and I could live in this static existence with one another. And maybe it was inevitable that Allison and Josh would be friends again. Was it healthy for me to try to stop that from happening? I felt like I needed to trust Josh with Allison. And honestly, I wanted to make him happy. So I started talking to Allison about Josh during the days. I told her how sorry he was. That he was doing a lot better mentally (debatable), and that it wouldn't hurt if she just came over to visit me in my room every here and again. Prior to this, she had set a resolve to never talk to Josh ever again. I broke that resolve.
I brought her over to my house one evening, texted Josh and let him know she was there. He was at his best. He danced, he became humorous and entertaining. And Josh and Allison were on good terms once again. Of course, this spelled the end of many a night that Josh and I had alone together. Things didn't seem charged the same way that they had. Perhaps it was unwise of me to bring Allison back in the picture for that reason. Josh no longer seemed as attracted to me. He seemed more bored of me. I was in denial of that fact. It didn't matter how long I went between meals or what new dress I wore eventually or how doughy I could make my eyes when I looked at him. It eventually was never enough. And it wasn't because Allison was taking that away from me exactly. The boredom was happening anyway. Josh expected entertainment a lot of times from guests and roommates. I wasn't able to be a new person. So I used my influence to resurrect Allison. And in many regards their friendship was somewhat new. Allison was coming at it from a different perspective. She wasn't infatuated with Josh anymore. They bounced jokes off one another. It was lighthearted.
I felt frustrated though, because Josh talked to Allison with more respect than he did towards me. I didn't know how to pinpoint it exactly. It just felt bad, and possibly a little hurt or jealous. I felt diminished inside. I would sit quietly and feel like a third wheel as they joked around and so forth. We all made jokes about Whitney and David. It was a way to stave off the fucked-upness of the situation. Josh acted completely different towards me when it was me and someone else. He clearly didn't want other people to know what our relationship was actually like – but how do you even approach that with your little sister who knows nothing about what has gone on, and when Josh himself hadn't exactly made any real commitments to me. It made me feel crazy, and insecure. He really was convincing too in making it seem like we were just casual chums – there was no mention of anything we talked about alone, no indication that he ever talked to me that way. He talked to me like I was Allison's boring sister that he barely knew. He treated me so much differently when we were accompanied by other people that I began to feel like I was harboring a secret on Josh's behalf – but if I stood up and tried to say something it would have made me look like a fool. He didn't want other people to know about what we talked about or how we engaged in conversation. But it was too hard to explain it to people anyway, even if I had become dead set on it. The shift was too smooth, and Josh apparently knew how to act. And perhaps this is how Josh designed and wanted things to be. I tried to take it as a compliment – like maybe we had something going on that other's simply were too stupid to grasp. I mean, granted too, it wasn't exactly like Josh should have to bare his soul to everyone at every party each night. And I liked having Allison around again. She was acting somewhat normal this time around.
I was of two minds on the topic. I felt weird about it. As Allison's sister, I partly felt like Josh didn't deserve to have her in his life. Her resolve to never speak to him again had been rational and meaningful. But Josh had wanted her around again, and I had wanted her around too on some level, so I caved. I had to go out and get the thing for Josh that he wanted, and what he wanted was Allison to be around again. I felt weird too because Allison took a lot of glee in the special treatment. She was wiser to Josh's egotistical nature of showering people with random affections at opportune times, but she enjoyed having some kind of social leverage over me, her older sister. I often times felt I was the butt end of their jokes, which would not have bothered me if I didn't know that Allison still had issues with me, and Josh was using that weakness between us to see what I would do. In fact, it became clear that Josh knew that he could bend jokes around me and use Allison's resentments towards me to make a lot of jokes about me that weren't exactly fair. They were funny, and I laughed, but the context was fucked up and I guess I was trying really hard to be what Josh wanted and to not ever make him mad. I didn't feel like I could just make jokes about either of them. He had made me too afraid to make jokes when Allison wasn't around. I didn't know which version of Josh I should honor, the one that joked with Allison when she came over, or the one I knew when he and I were alone. And besides, there was something strange about how often I was the butt end of the joke. Like, what was it about me that made me such a target? I felt outnumbered and declawed. I couldn't fight either of them off, either due to a lack of quick reaction wit, or feeling like my contribution to the conversation would spark real anger in either one of them. I just felt like a thumb.
I would go downstairs after these visits and I would feel deflated, and dare I say it, somewhat jealous. I would shut the door and the smile would turn to dismayed disappointment. I just wasn't as 'fun' as Allison. And I had nobody else. It might have been fine had I had other friends in my life. I tried not to let it get me down. Jealousy is such an ugly thing – and it made me feel gross to be feeling it towards my sister. I was better than this. I just shut it down whenever I felt it, or shamed myself into submission. If I merely accepted that I deserved to feel badly, then it made sense. It was my coping mechanism I suppose to take absurd amounts of responsibility. Josh wanted me to feel jealous. He was playing a game with me, and in off ways he was letting me know. He wanted to push buttons and pull strings to see what I would do. I had given him a lot of power over my psyche, and he couldn't not abuse the privilege he had to take advantage of that fact. He often times aimed jokes against me in poor taste, but Allison didn't see it. She was a combination of extremely naive, frustrated at me in some subconscious manner, and seeing Josh do what he was doing became a social norm. I felt like Josh was coming between me and Allison intentionally. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. Some nights I just cried myself to sleep, felt stupid about having taken things to the extremes my mind took them, and then shut down emotionally. It was hard to live that way.
Then Josh stopped getting me after work. He just started to forget about me. I would wait in the dark night of the parking lot for hours hoping blindly that a distant light of a vehicle would be his. Josh didn't let me have his number so I could never text him. I just waited and waited. I was afraid to leave the parking lot because if he did come to pick me up and I wasn't there it would inconvenience him. So I would wait for an hour and a half. Then, upon realizing that Josh was not going to be coming to get me, I would begin the five mile march home. These late night walks home became the saddest and loneliest walks I had ever experienced. After working for ten hour shifts, and often times having walked the five miles to work that morning, I was completely exhausted by the time I got home. My feet ached, my body shook. I felt abandoned, and soaked with dish pit water and grease. I felt ugly.
I remember experiencing this indifference for the first time. I tried to figure out what I had done to deserve it. It just turned out that more often then not, Josh simply didn't care enough to come and get me. He no longer had anything to prove to me. He felt very inconvenienced by picking me up and so he stopped. He didn't want to tell me he wouldn't do it though – and I never got a clear answer for if he would be there or no. He wanted to keep me guessing. It was his way of exerting control I guess. By the time I came home from work, it would be about one in the morning. Josh would still be awake. He would be focusing obsessively on his computer screen, and he would be surrounded by empty cans of beer. He would be jovial or sad, and completely indifferent to the walk I just came back from, or the fact that I had to get up in five hours and start walking to be at work on time that next morning. He was just happy to have me there so he could talk about himself – I didn't exist outside of his utilized intentions and concepts of me as I related to him. I must have really loved Josh. I would comply to whatever he wanted and sit at his feet and listen to him talk about himself for hours into the night.
Sometimes walking home at night my senses would return to me. What was I doing with myself? But then this would be replaced with a fear I couldn't even name. I would feel this deep feeling in my chest. I wanted to panic or die. I continued to walk, but sometimes I had to hold my hand up to my mouth to prevent myself from screaming. I was terrified. I felt like I had been emptied out inside. There was something so hideous growing inside of me, something caving in. I couldn't take this life anymore. I was a nothing now. I had given something precious and irreversible up and nobody even cared. I was disgusting. My life was this charade and I had to act this part, and the only way I would ever get out of this sick existence is if I won. If I finally matched perfection. I didn't know how much longer I could do it, and ultimately, I felt that this feeling I must have had only indicted me as guilty further. A third voice would kick in, demanding I hold myself together. Third voice person would smile at my own fatigue and unstable panic. It reminded me of all the other times I had existentially died inside, from adolescence to the present, and yet I always came back stronger. I was going to get my way in life. I had no other choice. But I was jealous and sick and weak. I didn't deserve what I had. But I wasn't going to stop until this life broke me or I got what I wanted. I was too proud to give up.
This gave me this weird panicked feeling of determination and excitement. I felt like crying, but I also smiled behind that. Honestly, I felt like I was going crazy. I knew I should be mad at Josh for not coming to get me, but maybe this really was my fault. By the end of the walk though, even these defensive measures had given way into another sort of emptiness. For the last leg of my walk, I was simply hollowed out. All emotion had been squeezed from me. Who was I? Did it even matter? I was just a hunk of flesh headed home. There was no rhyme or reason for anything. I just wanted to curl up and die.
But as soon as I got home, though my feet were blistered, and my legs shaking from over exertion, my face scorched with the fear and sadness I had felt all night, there was a warm heat that radiated from the front door and I would walk through and I no longer felt alone. I felt embraced with a feeling of home, and all resentment would leave me. I would be filled with love. Josh would turn and he would smiled at me excitedly, as I shoved back the corrupt notion that Josh didn't give a fuck about me, the most painful thought in the world, and I would chastise myself for being overly sensitive and letting myself have such a thought, for not being fun enough. The notion of asking him why he hadn't picked me up was only further indication that I wasn't 'fun' enough. I hadn't reached Josh's level. He seemed to have a notion that people had to reach his level, and it seemed to me that I could never get there. What was wrong with me? I didn't need to inconvenience Josh with the fact that he had left me at work to walk five miles, or ask why. What was important really was that we were here together now. And I had made the effort to be with him. Had I really thought that being close to someone like Josh was going to be easy after all? Did I think that loving someone wasn't going to require commitment and hard work on my part? Did Josh really need to pick me up anyway? What made me feel that I had to take his time up like that? Maybe if I made him love me more, he might be more persuaded to get me. I swallowed all of it, and I gave in to the moment. Josh's manic eyes glowing at me. I let go and I played my part, and I was happy just to be in Josh's good graces. If there was any trace of depression in me, he addressed it and he had this cunning way of approaching the core element of my weakness as a person. He gave me ideas to better realize myself and my inner intentions. It all made sense in the moment. It was articulate and clear. When I sat there thinking about what he had said, he then would say something random and funny and I would lose my train of thought completely. I felt half drunk from exhaustion and happiness by the end. And when he was eventually tired I would let him go to bed, and I would go to sleep and do it all again the next morning.
I felt like I was going insane. I felt like I was losing my idea of myself, which both liberated me to be anything and anyone, but also condemned me to always be nothing in such a solid and empty way it left me feeling ambiguous about my own well being. I felt disoriented, like I was falling. And I was obsessively in love with Josh who was simultaneously the only person in the world grounding me, and the very same person who seemed intent on pulling me apart. There was such a wonderful joy inside my chest when I saw or thought about Josh. It really and truly felt like my heart was going to just burst open in my chest sometimes. It scared me, to have someone who had that much power over me. I doubt Josh even properly understood that this was what I felt. In any case, I would never be able to explain that. It made me feel even more crazy. Because nobody else I had ever known had ever explained love being like that. I knew from music and books that it was explained in such away, but the people in my actual life never felt love like that. So either what I felt wasn't love or nobody I knew actually was in it. Either way, it was isolating. And I guess what drove me down the hardest was the knowledge that, whatever was imerging felt like a new breed of craziness that I eventually might not have the power to control anymore. Like, I knew in my blood that this whole thing would not be sustainable. And I wanted with every fiber of my being to not only stabilize, but find even more momentum. I felt like I was selling bits of my sanity everyday, just to keep the world in place. It was killing me.
Then a situation happened where Sarah, well into her pregnancy that early spring, was visiting one night at Josh and Zack's parents. People gathered around her in those pregnancy days, promising they would give Sarah all the help she would ever need. In her eyes she looked vacantly lost. She seemed a contradiction to me, even from afar. Randy (Zack's father), was proud that Sarah would be giving birth to a son. Zack's mother had become obsessed. It would be a way to carry the bloodline or whatever of their last name. It seemed to relate to an obsession they had over their son in general. Zack didn't have to be a good person. He was Randy's boy. He was Cindy's boy. Zack had officially done something splendid in their eyes for getting Sarah pregnant. He was congratulated always for it. As if getting a girl pregnant was really so hard.
At this party that Sarah was attending at Josh's parents, Josh was invited there. I don't think he had seen a lot of her in those months. But upon seeing her in her later pregnant state sitting across the dining room table doing her best to compose herself against the fear and absurdity that at times I am sure hit her all at once, he suddenly became obsessed all over again. Sarah ballooned up in his mind. He had never seen anyone so beautiful. In his mind I think, that night he saw her pregnancy as somehow relating to him. Somehow he felt responsible, as though he was the father, and he promised himself ultimately that he would earn his rightful place as the father. It made no sense, but it wasn't something that could be dismissed.
At first, I didn't know what had happened. Josh talked in abstracts about the night because of course I had not been there and Josh didn't say anything to me the way a normal person might. He seemed to believe that I knew what he meant. That I had been planted there in his life so that he may stay connected to Sarah. It was really quite terrible. He didn't use anyone's name, and he made sure I couldn't confirm anything. He talked at length about his purpose, about a lot of things that wouldn't make sense unless you knew Josh as well as I did. I knew Josh's inner language, and I had the map of his inner thoughts in mind. I read his abstract self-talk and knew that he was obsessing with Sarah again. I gathered that in his mind, he believed that Sarah had given him indication that 'she knew that he knew that they were meant to be together' and that all of this was one grand opera in which we were all intentionally playing the parts we were playing to prove our points, but in the end, Josh's character would stand in the spotlight with Sarah's character, and they would descend together into the darkness as a couple for eternity. It was unrealistic. It was stupid. But who was I to really talk? Was my obsession with Josh really so different? How could I blame him for his feelings when I also harbored fantasies of the unobtainable.
Josh in fact had me convinced that Sarah was leading him on – intentionally I suppose, due to a spiritual bond that Josh felt the two of them had forged. This was appalling to me. At first I laughed it off, but Josh's rambling and explanations after a few hours had me convinced that Sarah was now indeed pursuing Josh as well. It made me sick to be honest, it made me want to die. She had left me alone, and I was just developing something for myself and here she was, back to steal it away from me. After awhile, I didn't even feel like I could trust Sarah. She might say one thing and not even consciously realize that she genuinely meant another. One must remember that she had gauged my mind out of my head a little less than a year back when she had hooked up with Zack, and deep down I have always suspected that the value that was placed on Zack was due to my romanticized interest in him. And what the biggest threat with Sarah was, that she lived with a sort of self denial in her heart about a great many things, and then she would randomly react to the pressure she put on herself to stay unaware and she would do something rash and selfish, like how she had approached her feelings for Zack. I had devoted so much to Zack's memory and his ego, and I wondered at times if Sarah got jealous a little about any kind of attention I might receive from a guy I liked. I could more or less forgive that being a natural inclination, something deeply ingrained in her that she could not help. What I struggled more with was how she didn't have the ability to conceptualized what had happened. She was intent on not seeing the situation as a pattern that could be external to anyone else. She was very proud in that way. It made her untrustworthy. I felt like she might unintentionally be talking to Josh to size him up, and size my power in my newly formed situation.
Of course, Sarah hadn't done much. She was seven months pregnant and glowing, but also dark, somber, lonely, uncertain. It would be hard for her not to be the conversation piece at the table – given her demeanor and her disposition. Josh was out of his wits. Perhaps and quite likely, the situation between Josh and I was too real. He liked the control he had over me, but he wasn't comfortable with the control I might have over him. The amount of intimacy required was the reason he liked me, and the reason he rejected me. It was too real for him, disarming. He couldn't make up his mind about me, and the idea of him liking me made him uncomfortable. It was one of those things he just wouldn't ever admit to himself – but I know he did secretly like me, as much as he possibly could have. Sarah could be someone who was out of his reach, someone he could obsess over and focus on 'earning' who would always reject him. She made the ideal candidate for someone he could 'gamble' and waste himself away on. And Josh sort of thrived off of rejection in some sick fashion. He only ever wanted what he didn't feel he could ever have. He liked to think of love as a numbers game where you remain in control. It was very contradictory to other facets of his personality, which was why I was able to get to know him – I played off his contradictions. And What he saw in Sarah had very little to do with who Sarah actually was. Had Sarah magically fallen in love with him I am more than certain Josh would have ducked. He didn't really want the responsibility of love. But he saw something empty there, something that could never be, and he ran with it and decided to build his castle on that loose sand.
This fucked with my self worth badly. Because he just didn't seem that interested in me anymore. Had I done something wrong? Was I not pretty enough? Was I still too fat? I could never be Sarah. And having her as a complication between Josh and I hurt me in so many ways. It ripped off the scab of my old wounds that I had just gotten over. I thought that I had moved past a world where I was always in a love triangle with Sarah. Sarah would always be better than me though, at least it seemed very clear to me then. I had to resign myself to truly understanding that I was not as valid or as valuable as her as a person. What she had done to me hadn't mattered, nor did my hard work. A year of dieting, starving, puking and exercising was about as good as the effort she put forth at a single dinner party to make a few people laugh. When I was around her with other people I loathed myself. I felt sick with self hatred. And I hated feeling like that. Somewhere in there, Sarah had been my best friend, the one person I could feel understood by. And it felt like men in my life wanted to ruin that friendship. It felt like no matter what I did, if I ever fell in love with someone, they would always fall in love with Sarah . She was more socially endearing, more clever and pretty. She was a mother now, and in her current state she seemed to have gained a sort of elegance and composure that motherhood sometimes bestows on people that of course I would never have. I had raised my siblings basically, but there was no reward in that. Nobody saw me as a mother, or a survivor even. It was an afterthought. I felt undervalued in that sense. I had and might never bring another person into this world, but I had tried my damnedest to make something meaningful from the nothingness of our family to give to my younger siblings.
All in all, this left me in pretty bad shape. Josh had no interest in getting me after work now, and all he wanted to do was talk about Sarah. I would walk in and his back would be turned against me, as he hunched over his computer looking at every single thing Sarah said or did on facebook. I sometimes wanted to tell him that I didn't want to hear about it – but that seemed desperate and out of line. I wanted his love to be for me, and I guess I didn't feel like I had the right to ask for it. Love either happens or it doesn't. I wanted Josh to be in love with me, but now that Sarah was in the picture, it was honestly becoming apparent to me that I never would have Josh's complete love – and he would by extension always see me as a way to get to Sarah. It made me sick to my stomach. I worked in that restaurant for eleven hours, I would come home, and this was my world. I never felt it was my right to say anything. He went on sometimes for six hours straight. After awhile, it almost felt like there was another Sarah second to the real deal. His obsession with his version of who he thought Sarah was was so complete and I had to listen to his ideas about that version of her so much, it was confusing to see the real Sarah, the one I actually grew up with and knew deeply and in real life better than Josh ever could. The one who was even in our separated state, still probably the best friend I ever had. I would see her, and I would feel vastly confused. It was hard at times to make the distinction between Josh's version of Sarah and the real thing. I felt threatened by both. I felt worthless compared to both. And on the outset, it made it a lot harder for me to come to terms with Sarah and the way she had treated me.
Melissa, Josh's sister, she tried a few times to convince Sarah to date Josh when they were talking at the parent's house. In her mind, the pull to be in a relationship had to be financial. In Melissa's mind, Sarah was very vulnerable. She was pregnant, with a loser that Melissa knew all too well. Perhaps Sarah wanted some financial stability? She tried to sell her brother half jokingly to Sarah as a breadwinner, given that Josh had a decent enough job compared to some – obviously he was by default a gem compared to Zack. Sarah declined the half-joking, half serious deal. Sarah was not pulled in by money, I don't think it even tempted her. Nor do I honestly think it was of any real virtue that she possessed that kept her clear of Josh. I don't think she had processed much of her life at all – and if there could have been anything to sell to her, it would have been clarity through the murky confusion she was living in. I think the real and simple plain truth to her disinterest in Josh was because he just wasn't her type, it wasn't because I loved him because I don't think that either Sarah, or love can be trusted entirely, though I am sure that didn't help his case at all. She wasn't sexually attracted to him and she didn't really appreciate what was there or was not. It probably wasn't even fair, but as it is pretty clear to anyone who's ever experienced these types of deals, romance is not very fucking fair. Sarah thought of Josh as a lame creepy nerd, a likeable and entertaining one, but not someone she could imagine herself with. There was no hope for him.
And really, that was probably how Josh wanted it. At first, despite my intense confusion and jealousy, I felt badly for him. Just being a human being who had experienced failure and rejection, I had to see his condition and situation as being unfair to him beyond my personal bias. I understood Sarah's failings in seeing Josh's positive qualities. Years later, someone we both worked with pointed out that Sarah's type was Han Solo. It was funny, but I guess there is some truth to that. And Josh was no Han Solo.
Sarah and I didn't talk much, but I really felt like I had to discuss that party with her. Maybe I thought she could stop Josh from liking her somehow. I was desperate. I felt like everything I had been silently working on had been torn down. I felt like I was singing 'Jolene' to her, and maybe I was. I felt and knew that Sarah could have anyone she wanted. At her stage in pregnancy, her personal hardships and her current situations at hand, wanting men was the last thing on her mind and she was probably too sad and confused to even grasp the concept in some strange way, but despite it all, I felt like her whims drove her and she could change gears at any time – which has some validity. At any day she may wake up and want power over someone, and if she wanted it, I knew Sarah could get it. She may or may not grab at something consciously, but she didn't even seem all that aware of herself. She seemed shocked by her own certainty in decisions. How could I trust that she wasn't trying to take Josh away from me if she was not self aware. I wanted her to be self aware, somehow. There was something about the way Sarah was. She just wielded a certain social agency with people. I never had that agency. All I felt like I could do was beg Sarah to stop. But what was Sarah even doing? Should she stop being herself, simply because I was too insecure and mistrusting to hand it?
Sarah didn't get it. Her response to me was pert and vague and laced with denial. She told me that I was wrong about Josh having a crush on her, that I was mistaken. Josh didn't actually have a crush on her. She assumed he had a crush on Whitney. She refused to believe otherwise. This seemed wildly unfair to my common sense, since I lived with Josh and I talked with him multiple hours every night. But me explaining what was transparent and factually stated to my face had no affect on her whatsoever. It felt like she was just rejecting inconvenient information. I felt choked in my desperation to make her understand. But of course, what would Sarah understanding my situation bring to me? I guess I was just that desperate.
She also told me I was wrong when I told her that at times it seemed like Josh had feelings for me. Yes, there was no concrete evidence, and perhaps there never would be. How could I explain this stuff to anyone? They were vague little behaviors and nuances he displayed and how he treated me. I knew deep down what it all meant. I wanted it to mean more than it meant – that much is true, but it was real and it was there. I lived with Josh. I had spent enormous amounts of intimate time with him. Nobody had ever gotten that close to me before What we were wasn't exactly a platonic friendship – and the world might never have understood, and it would just sound to people like I was crazy, but I knew. I found myself momentarily furious at Sarah. Who was she to tell me what Josh did and didn't feel? In my paranoid brain, I was inclined to trust her less for that. What motive would she emotionally have to say that Josh didn't like me? Because she was never around us. How could she know?
I guess I was getting a fuller sense of where Sarah had gone to psychologically. She didn't accept information that didn't convenience her or imply that she had some level of control in any given situation. Obviously this came from a deep seated sense of fear she had, maybe pride was also a motive. She flat out didn't want to talk about anything abstract, be it the future, the past, emotions, morality, even if I laced the conversation with humor, you could watch her face become solemn and nervous, and she would walk away. She only wanted to focus on the present tasks at hand. She didn't want to question why anymore – she was essentially a pregnant broken robot. It was at this point that I started to wonder if perhaps the circumstances we had both gotten ourselves into that entire year had not wounded her worse than it had me. Which, to me was hard to imagine. I had been the one who had visibly lost out on just about everything. I saw current self as a new face in a lot of ways. I had to pull myself out of that situation with my boot straps, and I was and would forever be destabilized because of it. I looked inside myself, behind my obsession with Josh, behind my focus on being beautiful, on working hard, on some ideal future I would always pine for, and I felt this black sick emptiness that made self destruction so easy, preferable in some way even. There was never going to be any turning back for me after all of that.
But on the other hand, perhaps I was better off than Sarah after all. No matter how much it hurt me or made me sick, I was facing all the bad that had been thrown at me. Slowly but surely I was developing a sense of humor about it all. I had learned to acclimate myself to new levels of disappointment, and I was managing to do this, grit my teeth, smile through my manic loneliness and carry on with only the audience in my head cheering me forth. In a lot of ways, I was starting to see my own mental instability as a journey for something deeper – it wasn't something I could avoid, and I had to experience it. Truly, though I was desperate, foolish and young, I was much wiser than I had been two years previous. Like, in some strange way, suffering had brought me closer to what it meant to be a human being. I felt like a bigger picture, a greater acceptance for myself and the world, though still out of my reach, was a glimmer in the night sky. It was sometimes hard to feel good about life, but there was something growing in me. I couldn't really decipher what it all meant. I applied a lot of Josh's position in my life as a reason for that glimmer of hope at the end of it all, combined with my newfound awareness that I was probably suffering with something similar to bipolar which meant I was bound to see everything in a state of glory at times, but honestly that was a combination of wishful thinking concerning Josh, and hardly fair to my growth as a person for the later. I knew I was alone, and I was the only one that truly knew what it meant to be me. I felt like suffering had taught me a lot about love as well. I was capable of loving more fully than I otherwise would have been had 2011 not hit me so hard in the face. And it felt good and bad at the same time. Everything did. I was for better or worse, very much awake.
But Sarah had blanked out. She wasn't taking in new information. She had become deadened somehow. She huffed and puffed with her large pregnant belly at work, and complained about her swollen feet, and was friendly with coworkers. I started to suspect that she avoided me, not out of resentment for me as I had previously suspected, but because what it meant for her to survive this was to avoid my thinking patterns. I have a tendency to break things apart to inspect each aspect of it all. And Sarah was brittle and afraid and numb. She didn't want to be challenged. If she started wondering too hard about why she was doing anything at all anymore, she would break to pieces. And it had always been a game for me to ask why, to encourage established ideas to be torn down to their basics and then some. I was a threat to her simply for being myself.
Still though, I was mad. Could she not at least have enough grace in her to not make statements about Josh or me? Did she really need to make up Josh's feelings, or imply that she knew him better than I did? And what would be the psychological and emotional incentive to not think I was right that Josh had feelings for me? After all that I'd been through, couldn't she just step back from that if nothing else? Or at the very least, explain herself? Because I would gladly have taken an explanation, but she gave me nothing of the sort which puzzled me and made me very skeptical. It played in so well with what Josh told me about her. She seemed vacant about why she had come to those conclusions. It made me nervous, and paranoid and insecure I realized to talk to her, so I tried not to. I just found myself getting too upset, and it wasn't worth getting upset with her anymore. The idea of being in Sarah's shoes, more or less lost and alone, pregnant with Zack's baby, becoming the kind of person who makes up whatever suits because the idea of analyzing herself was too painful. That seemed so much worse. She was beyond being mad at, at least openly. I was beginning to feel sorry for her. I had always assumed Sarah was worlds stronger and more capable in life than I was, and as such I had held her to maybe impossible standards. Maybe she held herself to those same standards. Not to say that as a friend, I had no right to be deeply devastated with her or to say she had done nothing wrong, but perhaps some of my anger had always been misplaced. I had assumed that Sarah was more perfect than she was. I had underestimated myself. I saw myself as weak, and I had seen Sarah as omnificent. But we were both fucked up in our own ways. We both had strengths and weaknesses that the other didn't possess.
For instance, I had long come to the conclusion that my interest in philosophy would get me nowhere, same with religion and literature. That having a deep understanding of The Scarlett Letter meant nothing in the real world. I just saw my interest as some indication that I wasn't very normal, or deeply unhappy. It wouldn't help me get a job, or make someone love me. Those years I spent alone were dark and embarrassing years I wanted to forget about. I secretly held onto the wisdom from my intellectual pursuits from those years, but it wasn't something I consciously thought about anymore. If anything, these intellectual private pursuits that I had embarked on when Sarah had lived in Texas and I had been more or less alone all the time probably held me back, as I reasoned it. People don't like you when your head is too deep in the clouds, or you question their behavior. But now I was beginning to feel differently. The Scarlett Letter, even though it had nothing to do with my life in 2012 as a twenty-two year old girl was deeply ingrained in me and the random wisdom I found in the books I had read in the past applied to everything. I was not so alone after all. I had a learned tribe of people who had come and gone who had left books and teachings and pieces to life's puzzle for me – a strange gift I am sure they new could have comprehended they were giving it to, and my time spent focused on those things had subconsciously helped me. Those ideas I absorbed from all that I had read had become second nature to me.
Not to say that Sarah had not embarked on intellectual pursuits. She had read for sure. But she was more interested in reading as a means of escape – which I did as well, but it was different somehow. She gained by it, but she didn't have those same pursuits consciously at hand in her mind. And now I could see how this had played out. I had spent those years contemplating big and perhaps unknowable things pertaining to life and what was real and good and profound, and she had not spent that much time doing so. She had learned how to operate in the world on one level, which was obviously something I had not done and had been a great downfall and still was. But reality had knocked her down, and in the face of those big uncontemplatable ego killing concepts, she didn't have those acquired pieces of wisdom like I seemed to have. I mean, clearly I wasn't perfect, but I felt connected somehow at least enough to fight back. Sarah was not connected. I didn't know what would connect her now that she was in a situation she couldn't get out of. And the idea of that made me very sad.
PART 113 - https://tinyurl.com/yaudf8kj
PART 112 - https://tinyurl.com/ycwx7be7
PART 111 - https://tinyurl.com/yc2sc37j
My Life Story in Chapters, PARTS 1-110 (this link below will lead you to a list of all the chapters i have written thus far).
http://aleatoryalarmalligator.tumblr.com/post/168782771574/life-story-sections-1-110
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SUMMARY: They thought it was over once the ‘Plan’ was completed. Time had passed. Most of their wounds had healed, but unknown to them, there were still other Nations, forgotten Nations, who continued to be tortured and experimented on.
All until one man, also forgotten, decided to rescue them and craft his revenge.
His actions cause the secrecy of the ‘Plan’ to crumble. Those who were involved are exposed. And as their punishment, they’re forced to work as pawns. Their ideals are again challenged—their humanity put to the test. Are they doing the right thing? Who can they trust? But most importantly:
Are they to blame?
This book is a Sequel to Are we humans? THE BOOK is available for purchase (HERE) or (HERE) as well as can be found (here) on AO3. As it’s a sequel, AWH can also be found (here) on AO3
Thank you so much for sticking with me! A bunch of rambling about this novel and updates on WDWW under the cut ^^
It’s done. It’s finally fucking done.
I mentioned this when I posted the proof, but my spring semester was rough, and then I catapulted myself into a study abroad in China for two months, which was very labor-intensive (10+ hours of work every day, not to mention going to 5 hours of classes)
I’m alive, though, so that’s cool.
I think DFU after being editing is way better than when I started. Are there still mistakes? Probably. Typos? I hope not, but…I was trying to go really fast at the end.
But Maddie, shouldn’t you stay with DFU and release it when it’s perfect?
I’m one person who’s doing this in their free time and at this point, I’ll be pissed if I find something wrong, but I’ve just come to accept it. If you purchase this or read on AO3 and see something, I apologize.
My editor really helped a bunch, so thank you so much. DFU is better because of you ^^
Updates:
Sorry for not touching WDWW in a month (I needed to focus on DFU and I needed a break as people do every now and then). I have an outline for the next two chapters, and I’ve already started writing the next
Ha ha.
I think I planned too many chapters. 6 (yes 6) seem unimportant so I’ll probably be scrapping them, making the total to 15 chapters. idk I’m not sure if this’ll be longer than 45k. That’s either cool or not cool. I’ll be done it soon! But I’ll also be done the AWH AU soon so.
Still gotta edit the fucking thing, though. You’re not free of me quite yet
In all honesty, I want to go back and edit AWH more too (I know jesus), but that’s still up in the air
Once WDWW is edited and done, I’m not writing any more hetalia fanfiction. I’ve done my support for the fandom. 再fucking见
(nah I’ll probably be sad and have an identity crisis but considering I’m only on chapter six as of now, and then I have to edit, we have at least 5 months before that happens)
What’s afterwards then? Probably OC work. I do want to get a novel published one day. And this blog? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe I’ll go into the void like George deValier . you son of a gun George
o/
Goodies! Or whatever.
Here’s what I posted at the back of DFU that you can read here if ya want:
I was a freshman sitting in my high school’s library, named the ‘Knowledge Commons’ because the school was a newly opened IB only high school within my school district, and I guess the ‘Head Master’ felt the need to be pretentious. I was the only kid in there. It was the first year and there were only two grades, and most kids had class while I opted to take a free period. My friend Simran got out of orchestra early and ran in there to find me.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
I was probably fucking around on YouTube, looking up anime OSTs, but it’s hard to remember. “Nothing.”
“You should watch this new anime I found!”
I frowned. “Yeah, but I’m watching Soul Eater right now.”
“No, trust me. Have you ever heard of Hetalia?”
“Vaguely. I was thinking I might watch it next.”
“Watch it now! The episodes are only 5 minutes, and it’s on YouTube.”
I shrugged. “Okay.”
And that’s the story of how I sold my soul.
Simran left me in the middle of me watching the first episode. I don’t know where she went—the bathroom? But I was left alone and confused as all hell.
But I kept watching.
I never did finish Soul Eater, by the way.
I immediately got sucked into the Hetalia universe, and with the 2012 Olympics approaching; I started daydreaming weird scenarios with the characters. That summer, I was also working at a horse camp, and the times when I was doing mind-numbing manual labor work, I would also daydream.
It was somewhere in late 2013 that Are We Humans? was fully laid out in my head. The universe started with the single scene of Spain and Prussia rescuing France from Nazis (which I’ve never even written yet), and then expanded into…this.
It was in late 2013 when I was taking a shower that I finished daydreaming about how Prussia was rescued and happy, realized that: “I could make this a complete novel,” and then immediately got irrationally angry. I had told myself I would never write fanfiction because then I could never get it published.
So I refused to write it.
I focused on OC work, but then in my junior year of high school, we started learning about the Second World War and the Cold War.
Before this, I never cared for history class, but I started paying attention for the sole fact that I could ‘make my Hetalia daydreams more historically accurate.’
In May 2015, I graduated high school.
And I was bored.
A few weeks passed, and I tried to entertain myself. It was on June 9, 2015 that I dug through my computer to look at my old writings.
On that fateful day, I found something I wrote in 2014.
I was at an internship for school—if you could call it that. It was a three-day thing where I went to a company, interviewed people, then sat around and tried to bide my time. It was in one of those down periods that I desperately tried to entertain myself by writing.
AKA, I wrote the first two chapters to Are We Humans?
It was in first person. The last OC novel I wrote in was that, so it only seemed fitting at the time. But on June 9th, 2015, I knew that people hated reading fanficion in 1st person, so I change it to 3rd, posted it online, and then shut my computer for the rest of the night.
The first comment I ever got, was “Nice drawing :)” back when I posted my own artwork with the fic. I was immediately flabbergasted, thinking no one would ever comment on it, let alone read.
Since then, the entire series grew. I finished Are We Humans? in a little over six months, and after doing so didn’t think I would write a sequel. But then, somewhere in March 2016 I was walking laps outside my dorm, and came up with this entire idea. Honestly, I wasn’t going to write this either until I got bored, yet again, in summer 2016.
Shout out to my job, which was mind numbing but had enough downtime that I could furiously write the chapters to DFU in a notebook.
I’ve singled people out on AO3, so to those who I expressed my gratitude there, thank you so much again. This universe has been enjoyable for me to write. I may never be able to officially publish it, but at this point this project is just a labor of love, and to have these paper copies are enough for me.
Prussia was always going to die. Even if I never wrote the sequel, I was trying to hint at that he would die in Are We Humans? If we’re being real, this universe was invented around him. He may not be the central focus 100% of the time, but nevertheless, I’m happy I got to explore his character.
Er ist mein Sohn, und ich liebe ihn. Vielleicht ist er tot, aber er lebt immer in meinen Herz.
Again, to all those who have read, thank you. It’s your support of the fic that pushed me to finish and expand this universe.
And to my brother, who used to make jokes about how Prussia is dead, look at what you did. If you, dear reader, wanna blame anyone, blame Steven, who’s begrudgingly listened to me ramble about hetalia for 5 years now.
#hetalia fanficion#historical hetalia#aph#hetalia#yeah#miscellaneous#i was gonna post a pic of myself but then didn't feel like doing my makeup. so woo *jazz hands*
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The best songs of the 2010s: #75-51
#75: “The Only Thing” by Sufjan Stevens (2015)
It was tough to pick a single song from Sufjan Stevens’ masterpiece, Carrie and Lowell, for this list. The album, about his dead mother, is consistently beautiful and tragic throughout.
But “The Only Thing” has the most devastating line of the whole album, and possibly the whole decade, delivered in a wobbly falsetto: “Should I tear my eyes out now?/Everything I see returns to you somehow.” Case closed. Now please excuse me while I cry for the rest of the day.
#74: “Best Song Ever” by One Direction (2013)
If you can’t appreciate this slice of pop-rock perfection that shamelessly rips off The Who, I’m not sure we can be friends.
“Best Song Ever” still sounds as the pinnacle of One Direction’s career, with its fizzy arena-rock chorus and adorable lyrics about that one special night with a mysterious woman, never to be seen again. The Millennial Whoops are plentiful, and they are irresistible.
Yes, “Best Song Ever” is a corny boy band song. But A) it’s the best possible version of a corny boy band song. And B) boy bands are wonderful. Just embrace the cheese.
(Also, One Direction was the greatest boy band of all time. Don’t fight me on this.)
#73: “Pray For Rain” by Pure Bathing Culture (2015)
Portland shoegaze duo Pure Bathing Culture delivered the closest approximation to a prime Cocteau Twins single since the early ‘90s.
It’s got the icy synths and shoegaze guitars to throw any listener into a hypnotic groove. The secret ingredient that makes “Pray For Rain” stand out, however, is the thumping, snare-heavy beat that invokes both military drum lines and trip-hop. It adds a propulsion to the otherwise dreamy track, creating a dissonant yet incredible experience.
#72: “Not” by Big Thief (2019)
Unlike the hushed folksy whispers of Big Thief’s first 2019 album, “Not” is a furious, noisy firebomb of an indie rock jam. Lead singer Adrianne Lenker’s warble is pushed to its limits, as her vocals crack and strain while the song’s tension (and noise level) slowly ratchets up in the song’s first half.
Then, the pent-up energy is finally released for an explosive, discordant two-and-a-half minute guitar solo. It’s pure chaos and anger distilled into one instrument, and the greatest moment so far of Big Thief’s promising career.
#71: “Dog Years” by Maggie Rogers (2016)
The strength of Maryland indie-pop prodigy Maggie Rogers’ first few singles is how in tune with nature she sounded. I’ve dubbed it “REI-pop.”
And none of her songs are more reminiscent of a high-end outdoors store than “Dog Years” — and yes, that’s a compliment. “Dog Years” incorporates noises like wind chimes and owl hoots to its soulful synthpop production for a unique flavor. Rogers delivers on the vocal end with a stunning performance reminiscent of blue-eyed soul greats like Daryl Hall.
It’s a bummer that mainstream indie pop nowadays is going to mostly sound like Jeep ads. But “Dog Years” proves great art can still be created in that avenue.
#70: “The House That Heaven Built” by Japandroids (2012)
With “The House That Heaven Built,” Vancouver, BC indie rockers Japandroids made a perfect road trip anthem. The chugging guitars shoot to the sky, the drumming is furious, and the fist-pumping “OH OH OHs” are plentiful.
“House” is like a Bruce Springsteen collaboration with The Replacements: righteous fury backed by raucous, bar-friendly punk-rock. When lead singer/guitarist Brian King informs the listener that if “Anything try to slow you down/Tell em all to go to hell,” it’s something anyone can feel in their bones.
#69: “Adorn” by Miguel (2012)
“Adorn” is dangerously smooth. The chillwave-meets-80s-R&B production gets you halfway there, but Miguel’s buttery vocals are the main attraction here. From his endearing ad-libs (“whoap!”) to his effortless vocal runs on the gorgeous melody, he sounds like a seasoned pro.
I’m going to give y’all a hot take — “Adorn” is the Millennial “Sexual Healing.” It strikes that same nocturnal, sexy flair, and Miguel is working it just as hard as Marvin Gaye did. It’s too bad Miguel never was quite able to make something quite as impressive as “Adorn” again, but that single (and its accompanying, phenomenal Kaleidoscope Dream record) will cement him as a ‘10s R&B icon.
#68: “The World’s Best American Band” by White Reaper (2017)
White Reaper never claimed to be the world’s best band. Nope — they want to be the world’s best American band. So it’s only fitting that Louisville’s finest dirtbags cooked up a warm slice of some of the greasiest, sleaziest and most proudly stupid capital-R RAWK in years.
This is the kind of music Van Halen would’ve made if they were a low-rent Millennial indie band. This is the kind of music Gardner Minshew probably listens to. And it’s glorious.
#67: “I Just Had Sex” by The Lonely Island feat. Akon (2010)
This list isn’t really trying to measure importance or anything like that. It’s basically just the songs that made me the happiest this decade. And there are few songs that make me smile as much as The Lonely Island’s pathetically hilarious “I Just Had Sex.”
There’s so many golden moments here, from “I called my parents right after I was done!” to “The best 30 seconds of my life!” and “I think she might have been a racist?” The comedy trio was really on their A-game.
But what makes “I Just Had Sex” more than just a goof is that it’s also catchy as hell. That Akon chorus is legitimately one of the best pop hooks of the decade. What made The Lonely Island so brilliant in their turn-of-the-decade peak is their ability to make songs that often surpassed the actual pop hits they emulated, while not sacrificing hilarious lyrics.
(Also, shoutout to “Jack Sparrow” and the legitimately impressive baseball-themed “Let’s Bash,” both of which could’ve also snuck onto this list.)
#66: “Oh My Darling Don’t Cry” by Run The Jewels (2014)
Sometimes, you turn to hip-hop for inspiring messages and thoughtful, provocative lyrics (something Run The Jewels has certainly delivered on with tracks like “Early”).
But sometimes you just want an aggro banger that makes you want to smash through a brick wall like the Kool-Aid Man. That’s what “Oh My Darling Don’t Cry” brings to the table, thanks to its heavy helping of fuck-everyone defiance and El-P’s trademark apocalyptic, frantic production.
#65: “Your Best American Girl” by Mitski (2016)
In her signature song, “Your Best American Girl,” Mitski took the thrashing ‘90s guitars and epic chorus of Smashing Pumpkins’ “Today” and turned it into a conversation about race, insecurity and love.
Mitski, who is Japanese-American, vividly describes the angst of trying to fit the lily-white image of the “American Girl” for a boy. The song begins with insecurity — “Your mother wouldn’t approve of how my mother raised me/But I do, I think I do” — and then flips that statement into a proud stand for her roots: “But I do, I finally do.” It’s a powerful declaration, fitting of one of the decade’s most powerful rock anthems.
#64: “A Real Hero” by College and Electric Youth (2010)
Consider this spot a placeholder for all the best songs from the 2010′s best soundtrack: “Drive.”
Out of that soundtrack’s three stand-out singles, “A Real Hero” is the best by a hair. College’s slick, pulsing production is a perfect contrast to Bronwyn Griffin’s whispered, ghostly vocals. It’s the perfect love theme for an aggressively hipster-y movie where Ryan Gosling plays a dude in a gold satin jacket, drives around L.A. silently, and crushes a guy’s head in an elevator.
But shout out to the other two classics on Drive, “Nightcall” and “Under Your Spell,” which are also musts while driving around at night feeling moody.
#63: “Birthday Song” by 2 Chainz feat. Kanye West (2012)
“Birthday Song” is gloriously stupid. It’s the kind of song you laugh at the first time you hear it, but after a few more listens, you’re rapping along with 2 Chainz and Kanye.
And it’s hard not to rap along when there’s this many quotable lines: “SHE GOT A BIG BOOTY SO I CALL HER BIG BOOTY.” “I’M IN THE KITCHEN. YAMS EVERYWHERE!!” “Last birthday, she got you a new sweater/Put it on, give her a kiss, and tell her, ‘DO BETTER.’” And of course, the most iconic line of them all: “All I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe.”
“Birthday Song” is so ridiculous that it’s only a couple jokes removed from a Lonely Island single. And that’s what makes it so fun.
#62: “Every Day’s the Weekend” by Alex Lahey (2017)
Aussie indie rocker Alex Lahey made the best Blink-182 song of the decade with “Every Day’s the Weekend.” It’s got a soaring chorus with the all-important “WHOA OHs,” a chugging guitar riff, and it’s catchy as hell.
Just toss in a lackadaisical attitude and a “I Gotta Feeling”-style days-of-the-week chant and you’ve got a pop-punk classic.
#61: “Take a Walk” by Passion Pit (2012)
While MGMT burned their cultural capital by making zoinked-out psych rock (which was pretty solid!), their peers Passion Pit doubled down on their signature synthpop sound in the early ‘10s. Their 2012 album, Gossamer, is one of the all-time great albums with a happy, bouncy sound but crushingly dark lyrics. So naturally, its first single is a perky pop tune about financial struggles!
“Take a Walk” is so catchy and uplifting musically — just try getting that iconic synth riff out of your head — that Michael Angelakos’ lyrics about the Great Recession seem out of place at first. But it gels anyways. The uplifting music just emphasizes the dire situation Angelakos and his then-wife found themselves in, and it makes the soaring synth riff read as more melancholy than optimistic.
#60: “Gretel” by (Sandy) Alex G (2019)
"Gretel” is like an indie-folk song that went to the Upside Down. All the requisite parts are there — gently strummed guitar, lyrics with a man-of-the-people feel, humbly Middle American vocals — but it feels warped and twisted.
The easiest way to describe it is like if a typical folk-pop song CD was left in the sun for a solid week or so, allowing it to melt. And then you tried listening to it. It would sound positively spooky. Yet through the oddball production and eerie vibe, Alex G’s defiant chorus still shines through. A statement like “Good people gotta fight to exist” somehow sounds more powerful in a bizzaro song like this.
#59: “Downtown” by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Eric Nally, Grandmaster Kaz, Melle Mel and Kool Moe Dee (2015)
Macklemore might have been the 2010′s most unfairly hated artist. Yes, he’s corny. Yes, Kendrick should’ve won those Grammys instead. But the dude was fun, inventive and a unique voice in hip-hop at the time.
“Downtown” is a prime example of Mack’s talent. Or at least, his knack for assembling a fantastic supporting crew. Old-school rappers Grandmaster Kaz, Melle Mel and Kool Moe Dee deliver some forceful interludes, and Eric Nally and his wildman vocals give “Downtown” a killer, Queen-esque chorus. And of course, producer Ryan Lewis helps sell the song, with a constantly-switching beat that ranges from ‘70s funk to bombastic arena rock. Even Seattle legend Ken Griffey Jr. makes a cameo in the Spokane-filmed video!
In a late-’10s hip-hop scene filled with mopey sad white boys like Post Malone and NF, Macklemore’s goofy vibe and dad jokes are sorely missed.
#58: “Flesh Without Blood” by Grimes (2015)
In a decade filled with wonderful alt-pop weirdos, Grimes might have been the weirdest. One of her standout songs, “Kill v. Maim,” is about Michael Corleone from The Godfather Pt. II, but if he was a time-traveling, gender-switching vampire (yes, really).
“Flesh Without Blood” is comparatively normcore, but it’s still Grimes’ best slice of bonkers pop magic. Written from the perspective of a fan angry that she sold out, the track rides a surf-rock guitar groove into the oblivion. Grimes’ squeaky vocals are almost taunting in tone, but the hooks are so massive and the production is so fresh that I doubt listeners mind.
#57: “Slide” by Calvin Harris feat. Frank Ocean and Migos (2017)
Arguably the biggest name in cheeseball EDM took a shockingly sharp pivot into silky-smooth funk with “Slide.” And it worked! It worked weirdly well!
Of course, it helps that Calvin Harris has always had impeccable taste in guest vocalists, from Florence Welch to Haim. And by snagging once-in-a-generation talent Frank Ocean (and the fun, if not legendary, Migos) for “Slide,” he possibly pulled his greatest coup yet.
...well actually, no. His best song will always be the gloriously trashy and very British “Dance Wiv Me” with grime legend Dizzee Rascal. But the slick tropical grooves of “Slide” are a worthy contender.
#56: “I Belong in Your Arms” by Chairlift (2012)
I could’ve sworn this was in an old John Hughes movie. The wintry synths and retro-chic vibe of “I Belong in Your Arms” certainly would’ve fit snugly into the Pretty In Pink soundtrack, but no — Chairlift’s best single came out this decade.
“I Belong in Your Arms” is stunning in its atmospheric beauty. Singer Caroline Polachek’s vocals are almost Elizabeth Fraser-esque, drifting over the waves of keyboards while still packing a heavy punch on the chorus. And the song’s burst of energy doesn’t feel like a temporary sugar rush — it feels like the real thing.
#55: “Make Me Feel” by Janelle Monaé (2018)
“Make Me Feel” is unabashedly a Prince homage. And if anyone in modern music could successfully replicate the Purple One, it’s Janelle Monaé.
The genre-blurring, impossibly funky “Make Me Feel” immediately grabbed me upon release, with its sharp guitar edges, soft-loud-soft production and sticky hook. But Monaé’s vocal performance is what truly makes the track pop. She clearly had the time of her life here, switching on a dime from smooth and sultry to giddy yelps. If there’s a perfect Janelle Monaé song cooked up in a lab somewhere, it’s probably nearly identical to this.
#54: “Some Nights” by fun. (2012)
Jack Antonoff has always excelled as the second-fiddle. Whether that’s in being the less-famous person in his former relationship with Lena Dunham or being the behind-the-scenes production wizard for megastars like Taylor Swift and Lorde, he works best in the shadows (despite his solo side band, Bleachers, being pretty damn good).
And of course, the project that first brought Antonoff into the mainstream was his band fun., in which he was the lead guitarist and a songwriter. At the time when the band hit their brief apex in 2012, it seemed like frontman Nate Ruess, with his vocal acrobatics and theatrical style, would be most primed for solo fame, but that fizzled.
Eight years later, “Some Nights” stands as a testament that Antonoff (and the other two guys in fun.) can write an incredible arena rock anthem just as easily as a synthpop banger. The song turns a quarter-life crisis into a soaring epic that sounds like a glorious U2-Queen hybrid, with a drumline added on top. Despite cribbing its chorus from Simon and Garfunkel, “Some Nights” still holds its power.
#53: “The Less I Know The Better” by Tame Impala (2015)
There’s one thing that instantly hooks you into Tame Impala’s Instagram-filtered indie pop masterpiece: that bassline. It carries the whole song on its back.
Not to say the rest of “The Less I Know The Better” isn’t good — Kevin Parker’s jealousy-tinged lyrics are fairly relatable, the twinkling synths are nice, the melody is appropriately yearning. But that slap bass ropes all those elements together into a legitimately funky rock tune. If Tame Impala’s mediocre new singles had that bass, maybe they’d be less forgettable.
#52: “Shake It Out” by Florence + The Machine (2011)
Florence Welch might be the decade’s most underrated vocalist. Her voice has the power of a Mack truck, yet she can still convey subtlety when needed.
“Shake It Out” is not one of those subtle moments. It is arena-pop filtered through gospel; a song that sounds like it was meant for a cathedral. Welch describes battling her personal demons like they were literal demons. Couple her wailing with layers upon layers of organs and massive drums imported from the “In The Air Tonight” solo, and you’ve got a song too big to fail.
#51: “Young Blood” by The Naked and Famous (2010)
I really, really wanted to include more tunes from the golden era of radio-friendly indie pop, circa 2008-2012. But a lot of the best stuff — MGMT, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Phoenix — fell in the previous decade. And others are more nostalgic faves for me than actually great songs (sorry, Grouplove and Matt & Kim).
But The Naked and Famous absolutely still hold up. “Young Blood” still has the insanely high-pitched vocals and twinkly synths of that era, but the New Zealanders throw some distorted ‘90s guitars to create a unique sound. It’s like the Weezer writing a Passion Pit song (but way better than that would imply). Lead singer Alisa Xayalith’s piercing voice is an instrument all of its own, soaring across the synthesizers and guitars like a bolt of neon light.
“Young Blood” might be an early ‘10s time-capsule, but it has hooks for days and a somehow-still-fresh groove.
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ALL THE MUSICAL ASKS
Okay not gonna lie, this is really long so I’ll post it under a read more
1. A Songyou’re ashamed of liking- literally anything by Glee tbh
2.Favourite lyrics- I’m a hungry heart, a loaded. It’s from the song 27 by Passenger!
3.Favourite band/artist- The Wonder Years & The Maine
4. Top 5Favourite songs at this momentIn no particular order:
Your WildYears – The MenzingersMess – Real FriendsCame Out Swinging – The Wonder YearsBabel – Mumford and SonsRun Away With me – Jeremy Jordan
5. Latestsong that made you smileYour Wild Years by The Menzingers! It’s very catchy
6. Anoverrated bandI know my answer for this one but won’t say it cause people will find me andactually kill me???
7. Anoverrated songOhh definitely Stressed Out by twenty one pilots. They have songs that are WAYbetter than that one
8. Latestsong that made you cryShe used to be mine from the Waitress soundtrack
9.Artist/band that saved your life Simple Plan. Don’t think I would’ve been here if it wasn’t for their music.They were a rock I definitely needed when I was like 14 ish?
10. If youcould see any band/artist live, who would it beMan I just really wanna see The Wonder Years again?? I saw them at Warped tourin Eindhoven in 2013 and didn’t catch their full set, but holy SHIT it wasemotional
11. Whatsong/album/band/artist always brings back memories for youLiterally any All Time Low song will send me straight back to 2012 man
12. saddestsong you knowI think Whispers?? Especially the acoustic version. It’s a Passenger song whichI love very, VERY much (It’s in my top 5 favourite songs, hands down) but godit’s so heart wrenching in a way??? Also relatable as fuck which y’know, doesn’thelpOr!!! I AmThe One (reprise) from Next to Normal (… Gabe. Gabriel. – cue me sobbing on thefloor)
13.Favourite song to sing in the showerRun away with me by Kerrigan & Lowdermilk! Especially the version JeremyJordan did. I sing it very loud and probably off key but I don’t care cause Iadore that song
14. If youplayed an instrument in grade school, what was itMan idk I just to play piano a veeeeery long time ago. I still regret stopping
15. Whatsong would you like to have your first dance to at your wedding I honestly have no clue??
16. 5 Songsto have sex toBud, I’m too asexual for this. I tried to think of something but I honestly don’tknow?? All I know it that it would have to be something I don’t know, because Iwill get distracted if I know the song
17. Oneband you’d have get back together/bring back from the deadMy soul to see A Rocket To The Moon live
18. You’reforced to listen to only one album for the rest of your life, what album is itThe Greatest Generation by The Wonder Years
19. A songthat gets you through shitI Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral by The Wonder Years.
20. A songto shut everything outParanoia by A Day To Remember
21. A songthat’s a joke between you and your friends Africa by Toto
22. A songto jam out to at 4amMy Heroine by The Maine
23. A songthat punches you in the gut every single time Hold Onto Me by Mayday Parade. Jesus fuck.
24. A songthat calms you downWhoever She Is by The Maine (the home recording version! It used to calm medown when I had really heavy anxiety attacks)
25. A songthat makes you feel alive Kali Ma by Neck Deep
26. If youcould get any lyrics tattooed, which would you chooseI’m a hungry heart, a loaded gun. I’ve been thinking about getting that for acouple years now, actually!
27. Whatband/artist would you get your children addicted to at an early age god I have no fucking idea?? Probably a musical, let’s be real
28. Can youplay any instruments, if so, which I can lowkey sing. That’s not an instrument, but shhh
29. If youcould be a member of any band for one show, who would it beThere was time I would list like 13 bands, but I can’t think of one tbh??
30. CDs orVinyls Ohh both! I have a lot of CDs but I love the crackling sound vinyl makes when it’sdone playing
31. 25songs to play at your funeral Make a playlist of all the songs I answered with (except the first and last question)32. What are some song titles that you loveThey’re spread over the rest of the answers!
33. If yourlife ended today, what song would you choose to represent itMess by Real Friends!! Feels very accurate.
34. Can yougive me a 10 song playlist on ____I would, but all I can offer for ___ is Blank Space by Taylor Swift, times ten.
35. A heartwrenching songThese Four Words by The Maine
36. Aband/artist you’re proud ofThe Maine!!! They deserve everything they’ve built for themselves, no joke. They have incredibly kind fans and an allround amazing vibe hanging around them. They’re incredibly kind and humble and I love them very much!
37. A songthat has a lot of meaning to youI Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral. It’s 7,5 minutes long but god, it’s sofucking amazing and I wish I would get more people to actually listen to it???
38. A songthat reminds you of schoolAny Simple Plan song!
39. A songnot sung in your native languagePrayer from the Come From Away soundtrack
40. Aninstrumental songWhiplash, from the Whiplash soundtrack!
41. Aclassical songSuite No. 1 in G major for cello, Bach.
42. A songwith no percussion?? dunno man
43.Something you’ve heard performed liveLittle Death by You Me At Six
44.Something you’d give ANYTHING to hear performed liveI JUST WANT TO SELL OUT MY FUNERAL. I would gift my soul to hear that live.
45. A songfrom a band/artist that’s from your town/city/state/province Does Guus Meeuwis count?
46. A songmade suddenly precious because of a special someoneDon’t have one for this
47. A songmade suddenly painful because of someone specialnor for this one
48. A songthat demands lip syncing and a makeshift microphoneOcean Avenue by Yellowcard
49. A songfrom a band/artist you met/know(un)lost by The Maine
50. A songthat you would rock at karaokeI see fire by Ed Sheeran (I actually sang that song at singing lessons I tookand I fucking know it like my back pocket 51. A song you can’t help but dance toHard Times by Paramore
52. A songthat makes you want to dance on a table King of New York from the Newsies soundtrack
53. Your 10song striper playlistI’m gonna play the asexual card again
54.Favourite Disney song I CAN CHEAT FOR THIS ONE!!!!!! Literally anything from the Newsies soundtrack
55. A songthat starts with the first letter of your nameAll American Prophet from the Book of Mormon soundtrack
56. A songfrom an artist still alive Going to Georgia by Aaron West & The Roaring Twenties
57. A songfrom an artist who’s deadI actually thought five full minutes about this and I have no fucking idea man
58. A songyou love by an artist/band you hate hahahahahah no
59. A songyou love with a colour in the titleGold Steps by Neck Deep
60. A songyou love with a number in the title27 by Passenger
61. A songthat reminds you of someone you would rather forget aboutI don’t really have one??
62. A songthat needs to be played LOUDYour Wild Years by The Menzingers!
63. A songthat makes you think about lifeDismantling Summer by The Wonder Years
64. 15Songs that get suck in your head easily The entire fucking Book of Mormon soundtrack. EVERY TIME. JUST THE WORD “HELLO!”IS ENOUGH
65. A songthat you think everyone should listen to I Just Want To Sell Out My Funeral by The Wonder Years J
66. A songthat makes you want to fall in loveAanzoek Zonder Ringen by Blof
67. A songthat makes you think about ‘him/her’I’m too single for this question
68. A songthat you remember from your childhoodNovember Rain by Guns N Roses
69. A songthat reminds you of youMess by Real Friends, once I started thinking about it. I linked it tofictional characters first, but then I was like “oh. wait. it is I.”
70. Okaywhat’s the real answer to number 1I didn’t lie. But man Party in the USA is a fucking BOP and I will never admitthat out loud
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Get To Know The Blogger
Okay nobody tagged me but I liked this one so here it is
RULES: you must answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people
THE LAST:
1. drink: ‘Dust Cutter’ Lemonade (hey it was on clearance at the store)
2. phone call: Bob doing his check-in to see if I’m still alive
3. text message: Gojiro don’t text
4. song you listened to: “To He Who Shall Come After” by Christian Death
5. time you cried: What time is it now?
6. date someone twice: I haven’t had a second date since 2010
7. kissed someone and regretted it: I regret no kisses stolen or given freely
8. been cheated on: You have to have had a relationship to be cheated on
9. lost someone special: Two weeks ago when that stupid stray cat was adopted and moved away
10. been depressed: What time is it now?
11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Was that last week? It’s pretty common these days
LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:
12-14. Red, black, pastel blue. Orange is nice too.
IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. made friends: Friends are just enemies you haven’t made yet.
16. fallen out of love: You have to be IN LOVE first so nope.
17. laughed until you cried: I haven’t laughed since 2012
18. found out someone was talking about you: Nobody talks or thinks about me
19. met someone who changed you: Hah no way
20. found out who your friends are: I knew long before this year
21. kissed someone on your facebook list: What?
GENERAL:
22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: Does anyone still use Facebook? I know I haven’t since like 2008
23. do you have any pets: Cats Jasmin, Cheddar, and Truffle Butter
24. do you want to change your name: I’m thinking of El Magnifico but it’s too much hassle
25. what did you do for your last birthday: Got drunk, passed out
26. what time did you wake up: 4:30 AM like usual these days
27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Laying sleepless in bed thinking of death
28. name something you can’t wait for: The sweet release of death
29. when was the last time you saw your mom: Dead
30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Never been born, but I’m not sure that’s an option.
31. what are you listening to right now: ‘A Fistful Of Dollars’ playing on the teevee box
32. have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yeah of course what kind of fuqing question is this?
33. something that is getting on your nerves: Trump, Republicans, white supremacists, Christian fundamentalists
34. most visited websites: youtube, tumblr, Daily Kos but they’re kind of aholes
35. moles? I love mole, I use ‘La Costena’ because I’m too lazy to make my own
36. marks? I am covered with scars from head to toe. Literally.
37. childhood dream? To be left alone.
38. hair color: Steel grey with brown patches
39. long or short hair: Right now it’s cut pretty short - it was so gdamned hot here that I couldn’t stand it and buzzed off the sides and back. Still medium length on top so I’m afraid people will think I’m a fucking Nazi.
40. do you have a crush on someone: Kinda yeah
41. What do you like about yourself: Absolutely nothing
42. piercings: none
43. blood type: B-Positive, which has to be some kind of cosmic joke
44. nickname: Ford Mandalay, Razz Paddle, the Human Stain
45. relationship status: I’m a monster. Rawr.
46. Zodiac: I AM CAPRICORNHOLIO!
47. pronouns: That guy over there
48. favorite tv show: Maybe Star Trek TOS? Nothing modern, all TV today sucks pretty hard except science/educational shows. Oh, and Project Runway
49. tattoos: Been thinking of getting one since I was a teen, and never decided.
50. right or left handed: Right
51. surgery: Oh my God an endless string.
52. piercing: Why ask me this twice? This is a serious flaw in this survey.
53. sport: I used to be a serious cyclist, but can’t ride anymore. Also played basketball a lot.
54. vacation: Gojiro don’t vacation.
55. pair of trainers: I’ve never been a runner but my basketball shoes were Nikes, my hiking shoes are Keens and Scarpas.
MORE GENERAL:
56. eating: Just had leftover deep-dish pizza for breakfast
57. drinking: My morning Covfefe
58. I’m about to: Spend my day watching football
59. waiting for: Trump to be impeached and arrested for treason
60. want to: I can’t think ahead anymore
61. get married: We’ve been over this; I’m a monster. Rawr.
62. career: Now that would be telling.
WHICH IS BETTER:
63. hugs or kisses: Oooo I’d like to kiss a pretty lady once more before I die
64. lips or eyes: Eyes are the window to the soul; lips are the window to the tongue. They both have their merits.
65. shorter or taller: I’m in that awkward ‘in between height’, I’d like to be a little taller.
66. older or younger: like ten years younger and have no memory of those missing 10 years
67. nice arms or nice stomach: Stomach
68. hook up or relationship: Jesus Christ I’d take anything at this point I can’t afford to be picky
69. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I have no idea what this means
HAVE YOU EVER:
70. kissed a stranger: Yeah baby
71. drank hard liquor: All day every day
72. lost glasses/contact lenses: Possibly hundreds of times
73. turned someone down: Yes but because of me not them
74. sex on the first date: Who would do that with me?
75. broken someone’s heart: I have done horrible things but I’m paying for them every day via karma
76. had your heart broken: Thrown on the floor, smashed into millions of pieces, stomped on, had gasoline poured on and lit on fire
77. been arrested: Twice at protests but not for murder or anything
78. cried when someone died: What a dumb question. I mean I didn’t cry at Harry Dean Stanton’s death, but damn
79. fallen for a friend: Yeah baby (winks)
80. sensitive or loud: I always start off sensitive but I wind up being loud because I am often required to be by circumstance
81. troublemaker or hesitant: See previous question!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
82. yourself: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait were you serious?
83. miracles: No
84. love at first sight: I believe in lust at first sight
85. Santa Claus: He’s crashing on my couch right now
86. kiss on the first date: Yeah baby plant one right here
87. angels: There is nothing. We live on a ball of mud and shit.
OTHER:
88. current best friends’ names: Bob, Jan, Lilan
89. eye color: Neon green
90: Favorite Movie: Casablanca
tagged: If you’re reading this consider yourself tagged. Get to work.
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