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shion-yu · 2 months

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A Safe Place (part 3) [day 18]

A feverish Cliff is seen in the emergency room. For @monthofsick Day 18 “Unfamiliar surroundings”. 2,965 words, original work, TWs emeto, hospital content.

Part 1 | Part 2 - I swear this was supposed to be 2 parts but now it’s gonna be 4? Lol whoops.

Elliot supported Cliff into the busy ER. It was a Saturday, of course there were a lot of people there, Elliot thought regretfully. Silly to hope otherwise. Elliot eased Cliff into a seat as close to the reception desk as possible and then checked Cliff in, presenting Cliff’s ID and health insurance card. He was grateful Cliff’s wallet and phone were the two things his boyfriend had actually brought with him when he left his parents’ house, although a jacket and his inhaler would have been useful third and fourth choices.

“What’s this visit for?” The receptionist asked after scanning the cards and handing them back to Elliot.

“My boyfriend is having trouble breathing,” Elliot said, hoping this concerned her as much as it concerned him. “He has asthma, he’s wheezing, and he has a high fever. He didn’t know who I was earlier.”

The receptionist stood up a little to catch a glimpse of Cliff in his seat, who did look like he was struggling. “Okay, we’ll get him triaged as soon as possible,” the receptionist said. Elliot chose to believe her for his own sanity’s sake. “In the meantime, have him wear a mask.”

Cliff sagged against Elliot when Elliot sat next to him. He was in no shape to do paperwork, so Elliot tried to fill it out as much as he could. Fifteen minutes passed. Cliff was whimpering in pain and his wheeze had grown louder. “Just a few more minutes, Cliffy,” Elliot said, hoping it wasn’t a lie. Thirty minutes passed. Cliff was now insisting he was fine after all, and that they ought to go home. But that was when he was lucid, which would last only a minute before he’d follow up by saying something that made very little sense and reminded Elliot exactly why they couldn’t leave. Finally, about forty minutes after they’d checked in, a nurse called Cliff’s name and brought them to a small room between the waiting room and the actual ER. Elliot repeated the story he’d given the receptionist although more aggressively this time as the nurse nodded and took Cliff’s vitals.

Elliot never wanted Cliff to be so sick. However, his vitals did prompt some action and for that Elliot was grateful. Cliff’s fever was 103.5 now, his oxygen running lower than expected at 92%, and his heart rate and blood pressure were both high. The nurse led them to a stretcher in a curtained off bay and told Cliff to change into a gown. Elliot had to help Cliff climb up, his boyfriend’s coordination poor. His hands were shaking too hard to button his own gown up, so Elliot did it for him.

“Don’t feel good,” Cliff mumbled, swaying even as he sat up on the stretcher.

“I know, just lie back,” Elliot said. “They’re gonna help you.”

Thankfully, this time they only waited about ten minutes before a new nurse came in with a small bucket full of supplies. She introduced herself as Anna and said she was going to insert an IV, take some blood, and hook Cliff up to oxygen and fluids. She was also going to swab Cliff for flu and strep, but Elliot explained the urgent care had already done that. “Well, this tests for some other stuff too, it’s a full respiratory panel. I’d recommend we just do it anyways.” Elliot agreed on Cliff’s behalf; Cliff seemed to be communicating only in nods at this point.

Nurse Anna looped some oxygen tubing over Cliff’s ears first and plugged it into the wall. She also attached a blood pressure cuff and oxygen probe that she said would stay on for now for monitoring. Elliot felt like all the devices only made Cliff look sicker. Anna swabbed Cliff’s nose, which made him cough harshly to the point of gagging, and then got ready to insert an IV.

Cliff looked to Elliot in panic, swallowing rapidly. ‘Faint,’ he mouthed to Elliot helplessly. “Um, I think he passes out when there’s needles,” Elliot spoke up for him. Cliff nodded gratefully.

“Well you’re in the right place if you do,” Nurse Anna said. She lowered the head of the stretcher and told Elliot to hold Cliff’s hand as she looked for a vein in his other arm. “I’ll go super quick,” she reassured them, and she was right. It was quick. But Cliff turned sheet white and got really sweaty and by the time she’d collected enough tubes of blood, flushed and secured the hub and hooked him up to a bag of fluids, Cliff was barely conscious. “Don’t worry, it happens,” she said. She put a pillow under Cliff’s legs and told him to breathe deeply through his nose. Elliot found her calm demeanor the only thing keeping him calm, because it seemed terrifying even if it was normal. Cliff followed her directions and eventually gained some color back. Anna said his blood pressure was coming back up and that he should just lie there with his feet up for a few more minutes, then left the room.

“I’m sorry,” Cliff apologized miserably for the tenth time since they’d come back here.

“Baby, please, stop apologizing,” Elliot told him. “You’re here because you have to be and you’re not doing anything bad or wrong. Just rest.”

Cliff’s eyes filled with tears and he covered them with his forearm. “I suck,” he whimpered, Elliot’s words clearly not having reached him as intended. Elliot sighed and put one hand on Cliff’s head to stroke his sweaty hair. It wasn’t worth fighting Cliff on this right now. Elliot just had to be there for him.

Cliff fell asleep to Elliot’s relief. Elliot texted his mom what was going on and hoped this wasn’t as bad as it felt. Cliff snored quietly until a woman came with a huge portable x-ray machine. “Sorry to wake you up,” she said, “Cliff? I’m here to get your x-ray. I’ll go fast.”

Cliff opened his eyes and stared blankly at her. Elliot wasn’t sure if Cliff knew what was going on at this point so he stroked Cliff’s arms and explained, “Cliff? She’s gonna take the pictures of your lungs now.” He helped the x-ray tech manipulate Cliff’s torso so that he was lying on a hard board. Elliot stood in the doorway while they did the films.

“Alright, take a nice deep breath for me and hold it,” the x-ray tech said. “I know, good job, got it. You can cough.” And cough Cliff did, that same desperate wet cough that had made Elliot’s mind up to bring him here. He managed to catch his breath, but it wasn’t over. “One more,” the tech said, moving the boards and machine around to point at Cliff’s side now. “Again. Deep breath. One, two, and good. Let it out.”

This time Cliff didn’t seem able to stop coughing. He coughed until each gasp sounded like a Herculean struggle and Elliot wasn’t sure that any of that air he was gulping in was actually reaching his lungs. The machine that was measuring Cliff’s oxygen levels started to beep and the tech told Elliot she was going to find the nurse. Elliot held on to Cliff and tried to soothe him, but it didn’t seem to work. Cliff just kept coughing until suddenly his eyes flew open and he spewed a sharp wave of vomit from his mouth all the way to the end of the stretcher. Elliot winced, pulling back and trying not to look at the mess. Cliff spluttered and coughed between additional harsh gags that produced little besides a stream of thick brown saliva that pooled in his lap. Elliot prayed the nurse would come in soon and hesitantly rubbed Cliff’s back. He didn’t know what to do and Cliff seemed frozen, unable to lift his head or close his mouth.

Thankfully the nurse showed up then and said, “Oh no!” Oh no was right, Elliot thought anxiously. “Did we just get coughing too hard?” She glanced at Cliff's oxygen levels and turned a small green dial on the wall, which made a quiet hissing noise for a second as the flow of oxygen increased. “Don’t worry hun, we’re going to get you cleaned up.” She found a change of sheets in one of the cupboards behind the stretcher and changed the blankets and top sheet in record time. She checked Cliff’s fluids which were nearly done and then charted standing in the room for a few minutes on her rolling computer.

Cliff was silent, hunched over holding a pink plastic basin in his lap in case of another incident, and Elliot couldn��t tell if he was just out of it or humiliated. The room still smelled of putrid stomach acid; Elliot breathed through his mouth. His phone dinged in his pocket and he saw an alarmed text from his mother. He didn’t have time to reply though, as the doctor walked in at that moment.

“Doctor Jim,” Anna greeted him politely, scooting her computer farther away from the bedside. “He just threw up coughing and I turned up his oxygen.”

“I’m not surprised,” Dr. Jim said. He looked to be in about his forties, was mostly bald and had tiny round glasses that looked too small for his face. “Cliff? I’m Jim, I’m a physician here. How are you doing today?”

Elliot thought that was a stupid question. Cliff looked at Dr. Jim with hazy eyes and mumbled, “Sick.”

“Well, that makes sense. You’ve got yourself a nasty case of double pneumonia,” Dr. Jim said. Elliot’s heart sank. “Has this ever happened to you before?”

Cliff shook his head no. He moved his hand to the edge of the bed that Elliot understood as a silent signal to hold it, which he did. “Well, I think it’s best if we admit you for observation overnight with the vitals you have. I’m going to order two IV antibiotics and some steroids, try and get that swelling down in your lungs and hopefully you’ll be feeling better in no time. How’s that sound?”

Cliff didn’t answer. “That sounds fine,” Elliot said, squeezing Cliff’s hand. “Can I stay with him?”

“Once we move him to the floor, visiting hours are eight to eight,” Dr. Jim said. “But you can stay with him for as long as he’s in the ER.” He turned to Anna and gave a few other orders for Zofran, Tylenol, albuterol and budesonide treatments. It all seemed so casual to them, but Elliot was still disturbed by how sick Cliff looked and seemed to him.

Dr. Jim physically examined Cliff next. Cliff shuddered and Dr. Jim apologized for his cold hands, but Elliot knew that the temperature hadn’t had anything to do with it. He hummed a lot, wrote down some notes, and then left with a “Hope you feel better soon.” Elliot wondered if he told all his patients that, or just the ones who could actually get better soon. Nurse Anna also excused herself to get the ordered medications, leaving Elliot alone with Cliff once again.

“So… pneumonia. That sounds pretty bad,” Elliot said. “Why didn’t you tell me you felt so sick?”

“You were at work. I didn’t want to bother you,” Cliff said in a tiny voice. “And then I tried to text you but none of the letters in my phone made sense.”

Elliot felt his chest clench painfully hearing that. “Cliff, you wouldn’t have bothered me.”

“But I’m bothering you now,” Cliff whimpered.

Elliot frowned. “I didn’t say that.” Silence from Cliff. Elliot sighed and grasped Cliff’s hand in his own. “Cliff, Cliffy, can you look at me?” It took a second, but fever-bright, hazel eyes eventually focused on Elliot. “You’re my boyfriend. I want you to be okay. Can you at least try to trust me?”

“I do trust you,” Cliff whispered, voice hurt.

“Then let me care about you.”

Cliff fell quiet again and Elliot sat back but kept Cliff’s hand in his. Cliff had his eyes closed, but it didn’t do much to hide the tears that escaped from the corners of them. Elliot didn’t say anything, just brushed them off of Cliff’s cheeks with his sleeve. Once Cliff was asleep, Elliot finally allowed his own silent tears to fall.

Eventually a CNA came to bring Cliff down to the short-stay unit. She rolled Cliff’s stretcher down the hall and into an elevator. Cliff looked nervous and kept glancing at Elliot, making sure he was still right next to him. Elliot always was. They got to a small room that had a real hospital bed in it and the CNA and Elliot both helped Cliff take two steps from the stretcher onto the bed. It was painful for Elliot to see how difficult even this brief transfer was for Cliff, and Cliff started another one of his long coughing spasms afterwards. Elliot rubbed Cliff’s arm, unsure what else he could possibly do to help. “Water,” Cliff croaked hoarsely between deep, rattling coughs.

“Sure. Um…” Elliot looked around him but this room was barely more than an ER bay. It didn’t even have windows. “Let me go check,” he said, and went to go look for the nurse’s station. There were two tired and rather bored looking, middle aged women sitting at computers at the end of the hall. “Excuse me? My boyfriend just got here and he could use some water…”

“I’m almost there,” one of the nurses said, which Elliot thought was a weird thing to say when she very much wasn’t almost there. Regardless, they didn’t seem to like him hovering very much so Elliot went back to Cliff’s room. There was nowhere for him to sit, so he stood at the bedside. Cliff had managed to stop coughing at least.

The nurse, despite her indifferent demeanor, did show up with a little bin that contained hospital socks, meds and a large plastic jug of water. “Clifford Barrows, hmm? I’m Carey. And you are…?” She raised an eyebrow at Elliot.

Suddenly feeling extra protective, Elliot quickly said, “His boyfriend.”

“Alright. Mr. Barrows, are you okay to have Elliot in here?”

Cliff nodded a yes. Elliot thought it was so weird to hear Cliff called by his last name. They seemed too young for that.

“Well, your boyfriend will have to leave after I finish this admission paperwork as visiting hours are over soon, but remind me to get you a chair for tomorrow,” Carey said. She started a myriad of questions, which included Cliff’s emergency contact.

“Make it Elliot,” Cliff said quickly, looking at him. “Um, will my dad know I’m here?”

“You’re eighteen, right? Not unless you tell him,” Carey said. “But I see your dad is the primary insurance holder so he may see the invoice after you’re discharged. It shouldn’t show any details though.”

Cliff grimaced but nodded. At least there would be no confrontation in the actual hospital, Elliot thought to himself. Carey kept asking questions, which ranged from did Cliff smoke to could he walk up a flight of stairs to did he have any plans to hurt himself right now. They seemed a little ridiculous to Elliot, but Cliff was able to answer all of them with simple yes’s and no’s pretty quickly since he was for the most part entirely healthy.

“You’re easy,” Carey said, winking at Cliff. “Boyfriend? Visiting hours are over now honey, so you say your goodbyes and you can come back at 8am tomorrow morning.” Elliot thought she was kind of like those old ladies at diners who yelled at you for your order but called you honey so you couldn’t feel totally attacked.

He nodded and gave Cliff a quick hug. He thought about kissing him, but Cliff didn’t like to be kissed in front of other people so he just squeezed Cliff’s hand instead. “I’ll be back in the morning,” he promised. “Get some rest and tell them if you don’t feel good, okay?”

“Okay,” Cliff said. He looked scared, so Elliot hugged him again and kissed the top of his head this time.

“I love you,” Elliot said. “I know you can be strong for me. You’ve got your phone right here.”

Elliot didn’t look back as he left, because he could feel Cliff’s kicked puppy expression trailing him and knew if he did, it would be ten times harder to leave. He walked to the parking lot without thinking, got in his car, and drove home without Cliff beside him. He made it to the park a block away from his parents’ house before he pulled over and cried for a solid ten minutes.

Cliff was going to be okay, Elliot told himself. Cliff was stronger than he seemed, and realistically Elliot couldn’t be there for him every second of the way. But he’d promised Cliff they weren’t going to the hospital, and then he promised Cliff that he’d be right there next to him the whole time. He’d broken both of these promises and now Cliff was sleeping in a hospital bed, in a tiny room with no windows and only a crotchety old lady to keep an eye on him. Elliot felt just terrible and wondered if he’d made the wrong choice dragging Cliff to the ER. All he wanted was for Cliff to be okay, though, and he really hadn’t seemed okay today.

Elliot wiped his tears away and told himself he had to be strong. This seemed so intense and adult, but Elliot couldn’t let it overwhelm him. He tried to remember the coping mechanisms his therapist had taught him back in high school. Deep breaths. One second at a time. He could do it, and so could Cliff. Elliot turned on the car and returned home by himself.

[Part 4]

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forlorn-crows · 5 months

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Crow!

I have a question...questions? Request? Maybe a little bit of both...?

I am a (relative) newcomer to the fandom, I've been hyper-focused on Ghost for the last year and my heart's completely, irreparably and quite blissfully gone on all of the Era IV Ghouls (Phantom and Aurora included), but, in particular, on our beloved Earth Ghoul Mountain (Mmmmmountain...💕)

HOWEVER, recently, I've begun trying to learn more about the previous era's Ghouls, and although I already have a growing appreciation for Omega, there's another that I find myself circling back to again and again and again...

...Zephyr.

Unfortunately, there seems to be a distressingly small amount of information on him in terms of HC's and fandom lore which really does make it harder to get a feel for his character and personality, so, I was wondering if you could help with that.

How do you see him in your head?

What is he like?

Who is he to you?

Please help me add a tenth Ghoul to the nine I already love...

hi, welcome!

ive got lots of headcanons about them so i'd love to go through some of those for you. i'll drop some great zephyr photos first and then we'll continue under the cut :3

firstly, i cant tell you where the name zephyr originated. maybe fanfiction or other fan circles. zephyr is more commonly known as "chAir", because they were almost always sitting down to play. sort of like cowbell is named after the instrument he appeared for two seconds to play lmao

you'll notice i use they/them pronouns for zeph. thats something i picked up from @gayrickgrimes when i first started interacting more with ghost fanfic. but lots of people also use he/him. not sure why nonbinary zeph has really stuck with me since then, but i quite enjoy it!

i would say the most commonly shared headcanons about zephyr are as follows:

older in age, like omega or alpha often are portrayed

has chronic back and/or joint pain (there's lots of clips of them walking off stage holding their back, thus the headcanon)

has light or white hair, commonly portrayed as longish and wavy.

reserved. maybe a little "old mannish" at times. less spontaneous than other ghouls.

however! they like groovin' on stage. can be seen doing some wiggles during their keytar solo or jamming out on their stool.

some artistic portrayals i love are @endopyre's, @turbodrawn's, and @kamonart's :3 also for a portrayal that doesnt necessarily fit those 'common' appearance hc's above is @joeynihil's zeph, whom i LOVEEE.

i also love @divine-misfortune's depictions of them, but i have indeed given void the zephyr brainrot soooo....oopsies sorry not sorry.

so, now onto the things i specifically headcanon about zephyr. i dont know if youve read any of my ficlets with them yet, but i do have a few! generally, i hc pretty similar to the above bullet points. some other thoughts i have are as follows:

i think zeph has a more antiquated way of speaking. doesnt use a lot of slang or 'modern' words. is very precise, refined in the way that they speak.

very amicable with and well-loved by their pack (aether, ifrit, dew, mountain).

has an 'air' about them, if you will (pardon the pun haha). some may say its too much like they're looking down their nose at you, but i think they're clever, smooth, and teasing in equal measure. has a way with words, in more ways than one.

they really do like to have fun on stage, and i think they like to 'let loose' a little bit that way. that ghoul can groove and move when they want to! and i do enjoy watching ritual footage of them, would recommend <3

not sure if you're interested in unglamoured hc's, but i think they turn very gangly, resembling something like a vulture or other long-legged birds. taloned feet and hands. hocked legs. feathers sticking out behind their ears and tattered, crooked wings. bright eyes that glow in the dark and can see for miles. razor sharp teeth. literally terrifying if you catch them peering at you from high in the trees.

likes when the others offer to help with their back pains. ifrit with his warm hands. aether with his quintessence. maybe mountain with weed or dew taking them to the lake to take some weight of their joints. always very kind, thankful in return.

i think the abbey has a chapel with an organ that zeph likes to play. i think that's what they learned on originally, and transferred that knowledge to the keyboard. when they retired from the band they still enjoyed playing for midnight mass or special occasions.

lastly, i think zeph is a quiet dom. very controlled of a ghoul in normal situations, but very good at controlling and directing others. has a silver tongue and can absolutely take mountain down to studs with just words. i have many feelings about mountzeph in general, and how their dynamic works, which ive explored a little bit. but in general, i think zeph likes to have that control, either because they have pain that doesnt allow them the freedom to explore certain pleasures, and/or because thats what they like. its natural and fun for them. and its certainly fun for everyone else involved lmao. i just think of them as a very elegant ghoul in all aspects of their life.

all in all, im very fond of zephyr as a character, at least how i see them in my head and how i've seen them portrayed by others thus far! hopefully that can serve as some inspiration for you in 'getting to know' this air ghoul :3

#ask #anon #zephyr ghoul #ghoul headcanons #please check out the tagged creators as well!!

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irrealisms · 1 month

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hi! i just saw an old post of yours regarding a very indepth s4 youtube playlist and i'm intrigued! i know the basic stuff since i watched some streams around that time but i've been meaning to finally sit and watch s4 from beginning to end. would you be so kind as to drop a link? thank you :]

gonna assume you mean lifesteal (i also have a dsmp s4 playlist haha. i love Making Playlists. love to Curate) and i've actually got a few lifesteal playlists! well. sort of. i have like One in-depth playlist and then i've got Other People's Playlists

so the first thing i recommend which has every* lifesteal s4 edited video (no** VODs) is this playlist by @aroaceacacia -- it's how i got into lifesteal to begin with and i cannot recommend it highly enough. when you finish, keep an eye on zam's youtube channel, i believe he is the only one still editing his s4 & his finale should be coming out soon (a year late) lmaoooo * it is actually missing one video, but it's near the end + it DOES the behind the scenes for that video so it's easy to add in ** technically it's got one (1) 2-hour cut from a Subz VOD which is more VOD-like and less of a Highly Edited Short Video but p much all the rest of the 285 videos are more highly-edited official-yt-channel VideosTM, and even the Subz VOD is a cut from a 24-hour stream rather than the full thing.

unfortunately i don't know of any curated VOD playlists or overviews that cover the beginning of the season, by me or by anyone else--I might work on this at some point but rn unfortunately i haven't actually watched much early s4 :( although if you want, send me a follow-up ask and i'll do my best at a "major events" playlist, mixing edited videos (esp early-season where i havent Watched the VODs) with particularly important VODs for the stuff i Have seen? this would b p easy for me to make i just havent bc i didn't know if there would b interest. ive also been working on a timeline google doc covering all of s4 that includes both VODs and edited videos so, again, lmk if you're interested in that!

the second thing i recommend is this google doc by @myrmica , which starts covering things in detail in december 2022 and has super detailed notes for a BUNCH of VODs. absolutely invaluable resource. my primary recommendation if you want to watch vods from mid to late s4 is to just read this doc and add all the vods that look interesting to your personal playlist.

in terms of in-depth playlists i have, the main one i have is an eclipse federation playlist! it's got a couple vods or cut-down videos of pre-eclipse-fed for some context but mostly it covers eclipse federation's journeys from their formation to the end of the server. i skipped some streams that were just grinding or destroying end portals or similar but if you want those also you can go through the myrmica google doc. NOTE: this ONLY covers eclipse federation!!! and it covers them in pretty close detail!!!! things that get left out of this include stuff like most of the preparations for pangi & zam's god-off, 3ht's trap war, a lot of poopies shenanigans, the team awesome breakup, and of course everything that happened in the Several Months before eclipse federation formed.... basically anything that wasn't relevant to eclipse federation's journey. meanwhile there are multiple 4-hour VODs that are just zam thinking about his relationship problems and nothing rly happens. i honestly would not recommend this unless you are specifically looking for more detail on eclipse federation specifically lol. also i wasn't sure how to handle "there are 2-3 streams of the same events with different povs that have some nonoverlap and some overlap" so...sometimes i include both povs and sometimes i dont. it's a judgement call & i highly recommend going thru the myrmica google doc and making your own playlist--all the vods in this playlist are also on there, eclipse federation didn't Form until mid season 4 so all eclipse-federation-relevant streams are covered

also i've linked this before but ive got a more medium-length eclipse fed playlist that mixes VODs & edited videos so check that out if you want

and of course where would any of us be without the archivist VOD spreadsheet. not super useful if youre looking for Curated Playlists but i need to shout out archivists forever & ever

i've also got much less in-depth playlists of Just Edited Videos for stuff like s4 highlights, covering specific teams/storylines, etc but since you said you were interested in in-depth playlists im not going to link all those unless you ask, this post is already long enough as it is haha. im also maintaining a s5 edited videos playlist if youre interested in that, and ive got links to playlists of s1-3! so just ask if you want any of those

huge apologies if this was overwhelming! u activated my Autism Trap Card (i love playlist curation). & pls pls feel free to send another ask/message/whatever if you have any questions or are curious abt anything else or if you want anything else (i love playlist curation)

#therapists dni #any british ants in the chat?#lifesteal #mcyt

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tahyal · 8 months

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Hey Tahyal! I hope all is well.

I have a lot of bloating going on right now. It seems to happen a lot before my cycle. Any recommendations?

Hello!

So from a purely physical perspective :

Are you eliminating properly ? (Do you go everyday?) - If not, focus on having regular bowel movements everyday and the bloating could subside just with that. Some things you can do for that are : Move everyday (could be gentle movements such as yoga, pilates, or even just walking), Drink enough water for your body weight, Eat more protein, as well as fiber to facilitate estrogen detox and to flush things out, and check your stomach acid levels, if they’re low you might want to try digestive bitters to facilitate the digestion process (Organic Olivia has a nice one in spray format).

I also recommend checking if you’re not magnesium deficient, as this mineral plays an important role in digestion, and in our body in general. Most people are deficient in Magnesium. If you do choose to supplement with it, I recommend the sunwarrior brand, its liquid and quite bitter, but its the best one ive tried composition wise!

Aside from that, here are some herbal teas that can help with bloating : Ginger & Mint, Dandelion root, Spearmint or Peppermint, Rose petal & Hibiscus.

Deep belly breathing exercises, Belly massages, and Foot massages to stimulate MMC (migrating motor complex) can all be great additions to your routine 🫶🏽.

Now from an emotional / mental perspective :

Bloating can occur when we are resisting something, bottling up emotions, or experiencing fear or anxiety. It’s our body’s way of trying to get our attention, urging us to get out of our heads and into our bodies, our emotions : to feel instead of analyze or strategize.

You might greatly benefit from journaling (no filter, write everything that comes up or that has been on your mind), mindfulness (sit with yourself and feel what comes up, do not resist, do not analyze, simply be present with yourself), Prayer (casting the burden on a Power Higher than you is liberating, knowing that you are ultimately seen and taken care of, regardless of what the circumstances are currently looking like).

If you’re up to do a bit of reading, I highly recommend these books : The emotion code by Dr Bradley Nelson, and Your body’s telling you : love yourself by Lise Bourbeau.

Check out Kori Meloy’s instagram as well, she has a plethora of information about women’s health.

Hope you feel well soon 🤍

#Health #Bloating

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coldgoldlazarus · 1 year

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Heyy so i've been enjoying a lot of the yuri things you post about a lot, are there any good shows that you recommend watching? Ive seen and enjoyed bocchi and witch from mercury a ton and i have a lot of time these next few days to burn :)

Oh, I'm glad to hear that!

Hmm, what are some good Yuri shows aside from Gwitch and Bocchi?

---

Admittedly, this is hard to answer as thoroughly as I'd like, since I generally have a hard time starting new shows and keeping up with them, so there are a fair few that I haven't actually gotten around to watching yet that I've really wanted to. Still, I'll mention a few of those since they do come highly recommended and I've had my eye on for a while, and then get into the ones I actually have seen.

-Kase-San and Morning Glory: Haven't seen, but did read the manga it's based on a while back; as I recall it's a very simple but very sweet slice-of-life sort of thing about a girly girl, a tomboy, and their shared love of gardening. Rather than a full series, I think it was adapted as a longer OVA or two? So I don't know how much of the story it covers, but it's also the kind of thing where, outside of the developing relationship of the leads, there's not too much in the way of like, a hard-hitting narrative to adapt. It's just super cute.

-Lycoris Recoil: In contrast to the last one, LycoReco is a recent anime-only sort of thing, and much more plotty from my understanding. It's basically the next thing I plan to properly sit down with in the near future, but until then I'll admit I don't know a whole lot about it; the main vibe I've gotten is that it is like, this action-drama about secret agents(?) first, yuri romance second, but it still does go out of its way to make the romance unambiguous and compelling, rather than trying to hide it behind subtext like older shows would have done. So at least based on what I've heard, it sounds worth your while, just I guess tread with caution since it may also get into some darker territory?

-The Executioner And Her Way Of Life: Another recent one that I haven't gotten to yet, but have read some of the manga for and so at least have some idea of what to expect. It's similar to Lycoris Recoil in being an action show first, but still very very clearly gay, so yanno, factor that in on whether you want to see it or not.

The premise is a sort of parody-taken-seriously of standard isekai stuff, taking place in a fantasy world that's constantly suffering from people reincarnating there from earth, growing overpowered and selfish, and causing radical, harmful upheaval. In response, an elite assassin's guild was formed to hunt down and eliminate these isekai "heroes" before they can get too powerful. The protagonist is one of these assassins, and the plot (and romance) starts when she's sent to kill a recently-isekai'd girl... who's special power is that she's seemingly unkillable, and immediately develops a crush on the assassin. Very much a slow burn enemies-to-lovers sort of vibe, but what little I read seemed promising.

-Wandering Witch: Another one I don't know a whole lot about, just that it's come highly recommended by some people whose good taste I generally trust. As the name implies, it seems to be a fairly slice-of-life-ish piece about a pair of witches? But beyond that, I don't really know much, so prolly worth looking into more yourself.

-Otherside Picnic: As I understand it, it's basically like the movie Annihilation, but gay? A pair of girls traveling through this uncanny sectioned-off region where all sorts of creepy supernatural happenings are going down, and it gets very existential. I've admittedly kinda dragged my feet on this one, since I have a complicated and inconsistent relationship with horror stuff, but it does sound very intriguing. Though I will say, from my understanding the yuri is very clear in the LN and manga, while the anime downplays that stuff into subtext? So it's probably more worth reading than watching.

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With those out of the way, time to talk about the ones I do know! A couple of these I'll pair up because their vibes are similar, but I'll still try and discuss each with due depth.

-Urara Meirochou & Konohana Kitan: These two are cut from a pretty similar cloth, that I guess I'll just call "Historic supernatural cuteness"? Both are set in fantasy versions of olden japan, but the overall vibe is similar to modern-day Cute Girls Doing Cute Things shows. I considered leaving them off the list since they're also much more reliant on subtext than most of the others here, but I have too much of a soft spot for Urara Meirochou to be able to ignore it ^^; (I have half-unfinished fanfic for it, which given the scarcity of my writings these days has to count for something!)

Urara is about a group of girls seeking to become apprentice fortune-tellers in this mazelike city dedicated to the craft, though all coming at it from very different walks of life. It's pretty simple and episodic, but the main thing that made it for me was the dynamic between the main protagonist, a literally feral girl who's having difficulty adapting back to human life after being literally Raised By Wolves, and a prim and proper noble daughter who's completely befuddled but also enamored by her antics.

Konohana Kitan, meanwhile, I never got around to finishing just because Life Happened™ at the time, but it featured a bunch of Kitsune running a bathhouse; very Spirited Away in some ways, but a lot more relaxed in tone.

-Izetta, The Last Witch & Princess Principal: Another pair that came out around the same time, but that are tonally kind of the opposite of the last two. Both take place in kinda steampunky/dieselpunky parallel history versions of early 1900s europe, and feature spies and intrigue and action primarily, while, due to when they came out, the yuri elements legitimately straddle the line between subtext and just text.

Izetta is almost a precursor to Witch From Mercury in some ways? Just again, different settings. It takes place during a parallel of World War I and II, with the Germany analogue attacking a tiny border country as part of its overall war plans. The princess of that smaller country, though, winds up calling on help from (and falling in love with) the last witch in the world to help repel the invasion with magic. Izetta very much feels like a prototype of Suletta, and rides an anti-tank-rifle instead of a broom, which is awesome.

Princess Principal, meanwhile, is more focused on class divides and zeroes in on the spy theme more clearly. Basically, in an alternate version of London that's split down the middle Berlin-style, a group of teenage academy students who are actually plants by the opposing side, team up with a traitorous lower princess to sabotage the royal family... though one of the spies has a pre-existing history with her that makes everything even more complicated. It's a really interesting one, told in non-chronological order, that understands the less glamorous side of intelligence operations while still having a fair amount of dramatic action and twists, and alternates between feeling like a CGDCT show and an intense political thriller. And yanno, the gay. I also actually haven't finished this one because Life Happened™ and it's been a while since, but one of these days I want to rewatch and properly finish it. What I did see, was very very strong, though.

-Black Rock Shooter (2010 OVA & 2012 Series): This is another one I wasn't sure I should include, but eh, here we go. Basically, a sort of supernatural psychological slice of life? It alternates between a fairly straightforward school drama, and mysterious glimpses into this almost eldritch other world where monstrous humanoid entities are locked in endless, often rather brutal, combat. As things go on, the two seemingly disconnected stories wind up coming together in interesting ways. Being an older series, the yuri is very much subtexual, but still kind of a core element of the story anyway? It's difficult to explain. The OVA and the Series are basically different takes on the same premise; I favor the OVA as the more subtly-told version, but despite the series getting weirdly melodramatic in places, manages to expand on the concept in some cool ways, so I'd say both are worth watching if it sounds interesting.

(Sidenote, though: Don't confuse BRS 2012 with the more recent series, Black Rock Shooter: Dawn Fall. Dawn Fall is part of the same franchise, but other than some shared characters it's almost completely unrelated, with a wildly different core premise and tone. And while I did like a couple things it did, on the whole I just can't recommend it, especially in comparison to the original but also just kind of in general on its own merits. I'd steer clear of that one unless you're morbidly curious and able to stomache some frankly unnecessarily disturbing content.)

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-Citrus: Something of a dishonorable mention before we move on to the big ones. Citrus is one I kind of have a lot of mixed feelings on personally, but I still feel like it's worth consideration, at the very least for the historical significance. TLDR; a boisterous gyaru moves to a new school and immediately winds up clashing with the school's repressed killjoy Student Council President, only for it to turn out that thanks to their parents remarrying, the two are now stepsisters. Cue lots of weird sexual tension and a revolving door of side character rival love interests.

A lot of people list the psuedo-incest nature of the two leads' relationship to be the big point against it, but to be perfectly honest, that aspect of it doesn't really bother me; I just didn't care for it because of basically the rest of the writing. There's a lot of what's basically sexual harassment in the manga, that the anime further escalates in adaptation to be as 'steamy' and 'torrid' as possible, and between that and the aforementioned side characters who (almost, there is one big exception and she's another reason I wasn't a fan) all have a more compelling (and respectful) dynamic with one or both of the leads, it failed to really sell me on the central pairing. I hear it does develop in a better direction later on, but that's after I lost patience to keep reading, and the anime basically only covers right up to the point where their interactions stop feeling so... uncomfortable.

At the same time, though, I will admit that Citrus does have its merits. There are a lot of people who do love it, so I'm not really speaking for a crowd here, and while I strongly dislike the student council president stepsister, the gyaru protagonist is a genuinely fun cinnamon roll who did nothing wrong and made what I did read/watch enjoyable despite my complaints. And like I said, I have heard it gets better, if you can get further in the manga.

And if nothing else, we do honestly owe Citrus, because the manga did help make yuri more popular and well-known, and the anime marked the shift from subtext being the only way to imply a relationship between girls, to more recent series being able to show it in full and not downplay the romantic or even sexual elements of a lesbian relationship. So, I guess despite what it took to get there, we probably wouldn't have it nearly as good as we do now without Citrus, so on that merit it is probably worth checking out.

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And finally, there's my top three recommendations:

-Magirevo (or; The Magical Revolution Of The Reincarnated Princess And The Genius Young Lady): Another recent one, but that I actually was able to sit down and watch through entirely, huzzah! Genre-wise it's kind of a weird one, being technically an Isekai but only barely; the protagonist has vague and fuzzy memories of a past life on earth that do inform her decisions and drive to an extent, but she refreshingly still feels mostly a part of this world she was born and raised in. It also takes a lot of cues in terms of the setting and typical tropes from the traditionally (tragically) more het-oriented Otome/Villainess genre, so without as much familiarity with that, some of the metatextual twists to those formulas that I really enjoyed, may not land the same? But it's still pretty solid even aside from that.

The basic concept there is that the protagonist, a princess in a magically-strong royal family who herself lacks any magical capability, becomes something of a mad scientist in her efforts to find a way to use magic through other means, and abdictates succession to her younger brother. However, over time he begins acting more erratic, until a breaking point is hit when he publically disavows his betrothed fiance. And the princess, who's also a massive lesbian who's long held a crush on said fiance, takes advantage of this to swoop in and drag her into assisting with her experiments.

It's admittedly kind of an uneven series, veering wildly between slice-of-life hijinks and surprisingly in-depth amounts of intrigue, and so the overall tone is a bit messy. The big issue is that its commentary on the flaws of monarchism and royal politics winds up feeling a bit undercut/incomplete, by virtue of being an incomplete adaptation that the LNs and Manga continue past, but I'm still willing to forgive all that, because the romantic development is very strong. While I understand some of the other series above that I have yet to watch or complete also don't have to hide behind subtext like older shows did, this one feels like it really takes advantage of that freedom. Despite the main plot distracting from it at times, on the whole the girls' relationship feels wonderfully central and gets a really good payoff. If you're here for gay with a little extra something on top, this is my recommendation.

-Symphogear: This is a case where I simultaneously really recommend this, while not entirely being sure if it should be on the list. While most of the others I've listed are single-cour and thus pretty quick to blast through, (even if sometimes to their own detriment, more on that later) Symphogear has five seasons' worth of content, with possibly more on the way, (there was a recent announcement of something new coming in a few years, but whether it's a new season, a spinoff, or just some unduly hyped merch or something, is yet unclear.) so is more of an undertaking. It's also a bit more rough around the edges in some spots, so my recommendation does come with disclaimers.

Premise-wise, it's kind of a weird mashup of genres; Magical girls, super robot mecha anime, and idols being the big ones. In a near-future world that's regularly afflicted by incursions from deadly entities called Noise, there are a group of girls wielding Symphogears, music-powered magitech devices that allow them to transform and fight back. However, there's a whole lot more going on beneath the surface, as the mystery of where the Noise are coming from is tied to a web of conspiracy involving alchemists, monsters, enemy symphogear wielders, and ancient sumerian myth.

It's definitely an action show first and foremost, but part of what both makes it interesting (and somewhat difficult to explain conceisely) is the way it evolves over the course of its run. The original season just started out as like, one of the wave of edgy grimdark "being magical girl is suffering" Madoka-clones that came out after Madoka, (so yanno, if you watch it, go in prepared for it to go some dark places) but it fairly quickly found its own identity and direction in being deeply, unapologetically maximalist about everything it does. Maximum edgy darkness! Maximum awesome hype! (And resultingly, maximum weaponized mood whiplash!) Maximum music! Maximum conspiracy! Maximum violence! Maximum comedy! (For better or worse, maximum fanservice!) Maximum gay! Maximum gay drama!

So like, it's just... A Lot,™ for both good and bad, and best taken at a measured pace rather than binged all at once. Also, while it's technically just subtext in its yuri until the last season, as with everything else about the show, it's so blaringly, gleefully unsubtle about that stuff that it may as well be text anyway.

So yanno, I personally like it, I think it's a great show that more people should watch, but I'll also readily admit that while it probably has at least something for everyone, it also probably has something that might turn people away, with either the plentiful fanservice, or the more oppressive grimdarkness of most of the first season being the two biggest concerns. It uh, goes some places. But, all that being said, it's still a pretty great ride on the whole? So if you think you could deal with those aspects, I do think it's worth taking a look, and the payoff is very much worth it.

And finally...

-Bloom Into You: In terms of just pure yuri, this is one of my favorites, and a pretty popular one for good reason. It hits a really nice balance between the chillaxed gentleness of most slice-of-life stuff, and the angst and drama of some other series; I feel like the best word to describe its tone is thoughtful. It's very well-written, and very sweet while still giving more to chew on. (Also helped me realize I was demiromantic, so that's also a point in its favor.)

A girl entering high school has always dreamed of and idealized romance, but after actually getting confessed to and feeling nothing about it, winds up kinda reconsidering and uncertain of what she actually wants. She meets an upperclassman who seems completely disinterested in romance and tries to connect with her over that, only for the upperclassman to fall for her instead; while aknowledging it's unrequited, she regardless asks her to enter a sort of one-way semi-romantic, semi-platonic relationship. As it goes on, and more context comes to light, she starts to realize there's a lot more emotionally complicated stuff going on, that I'll let you find for yourself.

Very very good series, but with one major flaw, that being that the anime only covers the first half of the manga and cuts off before everything can really properly resolve. They did tweak things a bit so the last episode does serve as at least something of a conclusion, but it's still just not quite there. Unless they do a second season to cover the rest, (which at present seems unfortunately unlikely) my recommendation would honestly just be to read the manga on dynasty scans, or watch the show and then read the rest. It is at least a very faithful adaptation, so I don't think you'd be missing too much if you choose the latter route. But yeah, either way, if you only do one thing off this list, this one is what I'd suggest.

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I hope this helped! Went bit overboard here, whoops ^^;

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dissonantharmony · 2 months

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ive just found you through the c!eret quiz so i thought youd be the person to know if there was any sort of vod library of old eret streams? ive just come across an old flash drive i used to download a good few dsmp start-lmanburg era streams from a couple creators. i know older dsmp streams are hard to find so i was hoping to figure out if i have anything thats been lost to time and if i did i could upload them publicly somewhere for people to see

OOOOO ok ok. the best places to upload those would probably be archive.org and youtube—archive.org in particular is pretty great because it has a really good search system and i don't tend to see vods getting removed on here like they do on youtube sometimes.

as for specific eret vod libraries:

My specific search filters for looking for Eret vods on archive.org (scroll to the top while it loads or else the page breaks lol)

@/dsmparchive (They are always looking for new members to help archive vods, and have a masterpost of all the vods they've collected)

Piper Kells' Eret VODs playlist* (Only goes back to March 2022)

RetsRose's Eret's VODs playlist* (Goes back to August 2020 but does not nearly include everything)

Eret's official VOD channel*

Eret & Elaina Vods & Clips*

My own personal collection of bits and pieces*

*Does not allow you to upload your stuff to it

An honorable mention goes to Eret's page on twitchtracker, which is by no means a vod archive but DOES archive stream dates, statistics, titles, and clips and is a massive help for me in hunting down the dates and streams that events took place in.

ALSO - Even if you find out people have uploaded some of these vods already, I'd still recommend uploading them. I've seen countless vods and vod channels disappear right before my eyes, so it is Always good to have a backup.

I hope this helps!! By all means I'd be happy to talk more if you need anything else cleared up :D I'd LOVE to see what vods you've archived. l'manburg era stuff is Especially hard to come by in many streamer's cases.

#eret #c!eret information dump #ask #anonymous

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worflesbian · 1 year

Text

right okay i dont know exactly how persistent an issue this is bc i almost never go into the tags on this website, but even ive noticed this happening so i feel like that’s justification to make a post about it. the whitewashing of julian bashir as an established Thing not just in the fandom but in official merch has been discussed before, but recently i’ve noticed the inverse happening with martok and b’elanna, a white character and a lighter latina character who people seem to often draw darker than they are in canon. and there’s like. a Lot going on there to unpack.

so this video goes into some detail about the racism baked into the origins and design of the klingons in tos, it’s very informative about the anti-asian stereotypes especially in a 60s context but i feel like it doesnt really cover the way that antiblackness becomes a more significant factor in the next gen era so like. if you didn’t know, the majority of the klingon characters in the next gen-ds9-voyager era are either played by actors with dark skin or Very frequently by white actors in heavy dark makeup. if you look up the actors of grilka, alexander, kehleyr, and sirella for example you’ll see what im talking about like the difference is Stark and these are some of the main recurring klingons across both shows. hopefully i do not need to explain why packing white actors in brown makeup to play members of a species characterised as violent, warlike and animalistic is racist. i say hopefully bc who knows with this website. anyway i’d recommend this video for a wider context on the legacy of blackface in tv!

martok is a rare example of a klingon played by a white actor who, as far as i can tell, does not have his skin significantly darkened. so to see him frequently being drawn with darker skin is uh Slightly Concerning given everything in the previous paragraph! ive even seen art where he’s drawn darker than julian in the same post which... anyway im not trying to blanket condemn reinterpreting the design of alien characters in fanart, but i am asking white fans like myself in particular to think critically as to why, out of all the white characters and aliens on ds9, martok is the one you want to do that with.

because b’elanna is not a white character i think its a slightly different situation, but at the same time she does have lighter skin and i have seen fanart of her drawn much much darker and once again, im not condeming it especially in works ive seen which explore the relationship bewteen her latina and klingon identities, but its something white fans need to handle carefully. in the voyager episode Faces where she gets split into a human and klingon version of her (dont have time to unpack all that) you can see the difference in undertones between human b’elanna and klingon b’elanna (also included a pic of regular b’elanna for reference). the brown makeup is obvious here too and if you can see why it might be racist to attribute a person’s rage and violent impulses to a part of themself that is then personified as darker skinned/more brown, then you might also see some of the wider problems going on here and can understand that this is something that demands a lot of thought and consideration.

i’d like to reiterate that this is a very complex and nuanced issue, especially considering the intersection of fictional race within the setting and the racial biases operating behind the scenes/metatextually, and i’d love to discuss it more (and to cite better sources than youtube videos when i have the time). but for now i’d just like to say yeah just ask yourself what the implications might be to drawing these characters in particular darker than they are in canon, especially if theyre the only characters you do that for, or you’re intentionally contrasting them with other characters (e.g. b/7 fanart) or yk. drawing a white character darker than a character of colour like ive seen people do with julian and martok.

#disclaimer that i am a white european and if anything ive said here has been not my place to discuss i would be so grateful to be made aware #but like. i see a lot of this and while some of it is definitely like intentionally engaging with this aspect of the text conscientiously #a lot of it clearly comes from people thinking klingon = dark skin and not bothering to unpack Why thats been established #sorry anyway.#long post #star trek #tlhIngan #ghItlhpu'wIj

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vaspider · 1 year

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hi there! im a trans person that's Jewish by blood but was not raised that way and i was hoping to ask some questions about where to learn about judaism (and general jewish culture) if that's ok!

to provide context: my great-grandparents were practicing Jews, but they stopped practicing and changed their names to escape attention during WW2, and, as far as we know, did not start practicing again until they were near-death in old age and revealed to my grandparents their jewish history.

this led to one of my closer family members to begin partially practicing judaism, but uh... in a way that i now know to be tied up with Zionism. when i got curious and asked about the culture and the history of our people, i got a whole bunch of Zionist rhetoric tied in, which i thought didnt sound awfully nice! this, tied in with them using Kabbalah to (falsely, ive discovered) justify some rather nasty takes about my gender identity and neurodivergence (such as. uh. neither of them existing) led to me deciding that i didnt want anything to do with the culture as a whole, thinking that that was all there was to it.

thanks to your blog, and others on tumblr, ive discovered that i have been incredibly wrong! and was simply unlucky with my One Connection to my culture, and i find that i resonate with some of the ideas i have seen really strongly?

so! i wanted to ask (and i must emphasise, only if it is not too much effort, I don't want to be a bother!) if you might know of any good online resources for beginners wanting to learn about Jewish culture and Judaism (And perhaps Kabbalah!) preferably without Zionist rhetoric, lol, because i think i may just want to reconnect with my culture after all.

thank you so much, even if it was just reading this, as ive wanted to just state it for a while <33

Wow, that's... a lot, to be sure.

My general basic recommendations for people looking for 101-level information is My Jewish Learning as well as the Union for Reform Judaism's Introduction to Judaism online classes. URJ has been trans-affirming as a movement since 2003 or 2004. There's also their whole Learning section, which has a lot!

Jewish Virtual Library has a lot of resources in it; it's run by AICE, so do with that what you will. Sefaria is also a huge virtual library of Jewish texts.

That said, Judaism is first and foremost a people and a culture, so I would actually highly recommend that you talk to a rabbi and see about attending an Intro to Judaism class near you. Reform, Conservative, and Reconstructionist movements are all trans-affirming; I've personally had my best experiences at a Reform shul and an independent shul.

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gingkos-eldritch-secret · 7 months

Text

Fanfiction commentary and recommendations: Lex Luthor´s ascend from supervillainy to fatherhood Part VII (chapters 31 to 35)

The Original story by @halfagone can be found here.

The previous parts of the commentaries can be found here:

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

I´m very sorry that this part is so late - this is what happens when you´re on vacation and decide to do two long-term projects at once. At least they´re going well?

Anyways. What awaits us in these five chapters is a sneak peek into the minds of some Amity Park residents, a foray into social media´s stance on our favourite ghost as well as said ghost´s birth- and death days. Quite the packed program if you ask me! Without further ado - here we go :)

○○○••○○•••○○••○○○

We begin, as is quite unusual in this fic, with Sam. And the first thing we see is her frustration about her parents, combined with all the pent-up worry and rage about Danny´s disappearance as well as all her arguments with Tucker and wow - Danny sure seems to have been the glue keeping the both of them together.

I think what fuels all that rage annoyance is the guilt she feels at 'not having been there' for Danny before he fled into the realms and the portal got him. And it´s unreasonable for sure, but in the end I´d do the same. Regardless of how senseless it seems.

And Sam can´t even absolve herself of her guilt because life had gone on. The school year has gone on and people had started asking questions, with Dash and Valerie being the most persistent. And wow, Dash must really have been having a kiddie crush on Danny for him to worry so much. If only he´d shown that sooner and to Danny though… but we always only get such apologies too late in the end. And they also don´t make any inflicted pain easier …

Sam also finds this weird, especially since Dash, after years of not even being friends anymore, can still remember what Danny had wanted to become when he was older and that Danny could do the same.

How weird it was to know that Danny and Tucker and a bunch of the A-listers had gone to the same schools since elementary and some of them had even been friends? It certainly rubs Sam the wrong way.

What doesn´t is Valerie´s behaviour. Because, yes, Val and Danny had broken up long ago but neither had seemed all too ready to let it all go. There had always been LOOKS if you know what I mean.

And yeah, Sam had been jealous at the whole affair, she´d also never really thought about getting together with him instead. Despite all the comments from the people around them. And I think that´s good. God only knows how annoying it can get when people try to set you up with your friends. It can get really awkward really fast.

But … the whole difference is that Sam at some point has begun to wonder 'what if'. And if that question comes up? Buddy, you know how it goes. There´s never any good when it comes to 'what if'. Because it is an inherently human quality to prevent those 'what if’s. Because they can hurt. Regardless of if these what if´s can really come to fruition or not.

In this case it would have probably been worse because she still feels such crushing guilt about the portal incident … it wouldn´t have been healthy. Couldn´t have been, but … yeah. Sam basically:

But she´d seen him at his worst. She´s seen how he works alone and with others, how he fights and protects and was to the town like Atlas was to the sky: always the one to take the burden. Without anyone knowing. And to know that such a devoted person? Such an ardent protector? Can love oneself? It sure is a beautiful thought.

While, yes, those are by naught the most important reasons she seems to like him, but …. They seem important, don´t they? Because if one can´t even understand that Danny, at his core, needs to protect those he loves? That he´ll even endanger himself if it means that those he loves can be save and that he´s also still just plain old Danny? The pun-loving weirdo he is? Those do seem like rather nice qualities to have, don´t they?

He´s just so kind. When Sam is … not. Sure, she´d help, but she doubts that she´d have been able to come out of the whole ordeal as strong as Danny. As free of resentment. But that´s not true, is it? He´s not free of resentment or hatred. He just chose to bury it all so deep, that you´ll need a submarine to find it. Doesn´t make it any less destructive though. And just how destructive it had gotten … we´ll see that in the latter chapters. Let´s just say: there are regrets from all the people around.

And with those thoughts we´re onto Dash. Who watches Sam and Tucker dance around each other without Danny able to defuse their arguments. And apparently the last big one was such a shitshow, that the majority of the class watched the whole thing like onlookers like to watch trainwrecks.

But as surprised as everyone was about these fights, he knows it´s because Danny´s gone. But. Why. What had happened? Danny was suddenly just not there anymore. And no, Dash´s definitely not simping for Danny. Naaaah, just imagination I guess ~

But. The trio always had attention. They each had their role and so everyone knew who Danny Fenton was, which makes it even stranger that no one seemed to know anything.

And after hearing the teachers talking about CPS because the Fenton parents’ had seemed to know something? Well … I think Dash has serious regrets. He never thought they could be abusive. Whack jobs, sure. But abusive? Hindsight is always 20/20 in the end. Regardless of how much regret we have.

It all just makes so much sense to Dash. All the bruises and injuries even long after he´d stopped getting physical. Now, we all know that his parents weren´t (the sole) reason. Sure, their chases may have contributed a bit, but in the end the ghost fights were the reason. Dash does not know that though. And he probably never will.

Apparently, Dash once thought that Danny was out there fighting ghosts after the whole debacle with Ember and Youngblood, but had stopped after not seeing him do so for years. His next thought that he was ferrying weapons to Phantom. And. That´s certainly not WRONG per se. But also, that he got roughed up trying to prevent his parents from chasing Phantom. Which is also true in a certain sense, but not really the truth.

That whole train of thought leads to him a whole thing about the Fenton parents and their bigotry and how the city had changed their thoughts on ghosts, but those two had just gotten worse. That they just continually choose to think the worst of ghosts when there had been enough evidence that pointed towards that not being the case.

Dash also thinks about Danny´s perceived fear of ghosts and how that, in the end can´t really be all that true in the end. Because Ember and Youngblood? His fights with the Box ghost? The one time he fist-fought skulker? Were all counter arguments. And very good ones at that. Also, ones that Dash kind of admired, but that´s beside the point for now.

And all of that leads to Dash noticing how the city looked at the moment. Decrepit. Because the ghosts had been more violent after Phantom disappeared, even though he´d seen him once in between (we all know that was Dani anyways). And the major had stopped caring about the town as much. And doesn´t that say many things about Vlad? That he basically abandoned the town as soon as Danny vanished?

So. Dash is wondering about Phantom and Danny and all of the change that has been happening. Understandable. Change … happens. Most of the time it´s nothing bad or nefarious, but sometimes … sometimes change is scary.

The only thing Dash was even sure of was that je missed Danny Fenton - not that he´d ever tell anyone. But it says many things about him, doesn´t it?

And then we get to Vlad, obsessive Vampire wannabe that he is, his first thought is 'where is Danny'. Quite on point, really. And to know that he´d spied on the Fentons with multiple cameras and bugs? Well. It´s Vlad.

Vlad, being who he is, had to gaslight himself into thinking that 'no, the Fenton parents would never do something to their child'. Vlad, if you know that you´re basically gaslighting yourself that´s not going to WORK.

What he also noticed was the damaged and shut down portal in the Fenton lab. And of course, he tried to redirect that to his own feelings about the proto-portal that blew up in his face. Just when is he ever gonna let go of his weird obsession of 'he´s for SURE like ME. ONLY I can understand him'? Someday, I hope. I want to say never, but the things happening in the later chapters gave me some hope in that regard.

And of course, Vlad just continues his search. Not that it´s ever fruitful, because no one will tell him anything. Deserved tbh. Especially since he apparently let the ghosts out himself to lure out Danny. And in doing so basically destroyed the town… Wow, disregarding human life like that? Really? Again? I’m not even disappointed. Just resigned. VLAD BE NORMAL FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE.

And of course, the only reason he cares about Danny is, that he´s losing his chance to steal him from under Jack´s nose. Because he´ll be an adult soon …. Whyyyy is he like this … and even if he says that he feels fear for him deep down. HOW deep down are we talking? Deeper than your moral compass, that´s for sure.

He apparently needs to find Danny before Vlad basically kills himself via haywire powers. That sounds incredibly fucked up if you ask me … and unhealthy. GO SEE A THERAPIST YOU LOON.

And then we have a little cameo of Clockwork who´s just like 'Be well my child. Just wait a little longer, your old home world is not yet ready for you to come back'. Which. Okay. Weird and slightly ominous, but okay.

Now, one of my favourite parts: social media.

Social media welcomes Danny back into metropolis (after a somewhat ominous sentence that 'If you´d like to leave anonymous tip, you can go to our website at ….' - not ominous at all, nope). Good news: PR is working hard and has announced that Danny´s in good health AND the Joker’s death was rules as self-defence! Whoop!

But even though so many people are celebrating and Gotham City is planning a party for the occasion and Bruce has done some PR resulting in a memorial for Joker´s victims, People on Twitter are split into two camps. The camp that is just happy that Danny´s save and sound and the camp that hates Danny even more now, that he inadvertently killed the Joker.

And that gets even worse when the audio recording of the questioning gets leaked, because of course it does. Danny can never catch a break, can he?

I do feel vindicated that so many people love Danny for chewing out batman though. Because that, indeed, was an awesome moment :3

But now the discussions have started up again. People are calling him a killer, suddenly he´s not a 'hero' anymore? And the recording was very obviously cut, making it seem as if Danny had wanted to kill the Joker from the beginning. And people …. Don´t like that. The two camps are basically going at each other´s throats and it´s not pretty.

One of the users has a very good response to that:

There are literally places where Danny starts talking mid-sentence after a cut. They weren’t trying very hard to hide their edits #I pity whoever fell for this shit #actually wait #no I don’t

Of course, the papers are already going at it. Typical. I swear they´re like sharks. Or piranhas. Or wasps when you´re having a barbeque. Or ants when you´re having a picnic.

Danny´s also on the Later night how! His first interview there, I´m so proud of him. He handled it so well!

And the two are interacting so sweetly? Like, they´re laughing and talking about silly things even though a big topic is how Danny´s still healing. I get the impression that he, too, would like to wrap Danny into bubble wrap so that he´d be save.

He´s also impressed that Danny´s able to take his injuries so well and is … quite alarmed at the answer being his family. And his godfather and his FREAKING BEARTRAP. Fuck Vlad. Have I said this already? Anyways. Fuck him. And not in a sexy way.

We get early birthday wishes and a discussion on the logistics of being a newly adopted billionaire son. How some things are not as different as they seem at first glance.

Danny talks about how actually living with Lex has been the biggest adjustment since Lex is now a new single parent. But also, a single parent to a fucking teenager of all things. But Lex is also trying to be there and to do things better - all things that Danny´s parents never did and honestly? The more I read about how they treated Danny and how they caused him so many issues via neglect the more homicidal I get.

And that´s just cute:

Luthor: He treats me very well for a man that has no experience with children or teenagers. I can’t speak for everyone my age, but one of the hardest parts about this age period is that most people still treat you like a child but expect you to act like an adult. [Nuñez nods] But Lex- I definitely think he has expectations, or at least standards, but I’ve never felt worried about what he would do if I didn’t meet those standards. He’s surprisingly good at… just- balancing my need for independence with his own concerns- especially with more recent events- while also trying to let me… be a kid, really.

Lex just genuinely being a good parent has my heart melting as if it´s ice cream and this story is a hot summer day.

And at the question on how it´s going with so much money to spend he just goes 'well, not that different. Kinda a billionaire magnet, but still a bit different living that lifestyle' Which, yeah. Both Sam and Vlad are filthy rich after all.

And then Danny complains about Vlad on live television and makes fun of is obsession with the Green Bay Packers and his awful taste in interior design and yes, he´s a gremlin and I love him xD

The internet adores the interview. As they should. Danny showed off his adorableness (is that even a word?) and many hearts were melted. Also: he´s just a funny little dude xD

Ah yes, we also have another anecdote about Kool-Aid man jack Fenton. And how much Danny had loved it that his father did that because Danny’s been sick and he´d called for them and it´s just AWWWWWWWWWW

Of course, the interviewer is a bit confused about the parents because he´d mainly heard bad things about them. And Danny, sweetheart that he is, tells him he certainly has good ones and gives examples but also kind of realizes that:

it’s been a long time since they were parents to me. And… maybe once upon a time they had been good parents, but I don’t think they were ever good people

And OOOOOF. My baby boi :')

Then we get to the birthday! Whoop! And Lex would really, really like to know who dared to upload the questioning to twitter please.

And because he´s not even sure why good old Jim is keeping all of those corrupt officers he´s just going to sew the GCPD and throw them all out. As a treat.

We also get more introspection on Lex´ thoughts on Harley and how he´s been preparing for Danny´s first therapy session with the woman. He also says that he can´t deal with her constantly running her mouth, but that Danny likes it and it´s Ivy who has to live with her (which is lowkey a burn)

Lex also knows that Danny´s hiding something from him, but that he´s been keeping under wraps.

When Lex gets a surprise call from his PA, he did not expect that it was because people just fricking love Danny and decided he needed birthday presents. It´s a whole room full of presents and oh boy. If we take the Mac´n´cheese aside, his favourite present is this HUGE Teddy bear as well as a galaxy night light and yeah. I understand xD

Danny´s delighted so suffice to say Lex isn´t all too mad about the whole affair. Of course, the PA films Lex´ and Danny´s reaction at the whole thing. Lex gets a copy and twitter does as well.

At Danny´s question how these people even know of his birthday the dry answer to that is 'It´s in your Twitter bio'. Ah yes, we love the dry humor in this house.

Twitter also adores the part of the interview on the Late-Night show where Danny´s asked about his favourite hero and his honest to God answer is Jazz. I cried - he´s so adorable.

Also: Spiderman is his favourite comic book hero. And with how similar these two are I´m not surprised xD

Everyone dies a little inside when Danny just casually says that he and his sister had to do all the chores, because their parents just WOULDN´T. And how his sister always took care of him. But also, how she always needed to be right, even if she wasn´t and for however adult she behaved, she´d still been a kid taking care of another kid. And how he´d kept forgetting that.

After that Lex is thinking about Danny and how his powers can both be a boon and a curse. He can do SO MUCH with them. Do so much good for himself or others, but he also can´t achieve his biggest dream because of them. And that´s just heartbreaking ...

But right now. They´re in the animal shelter to choose a cat. To say that Danny´s delighted would be an understatement if I ever heard one. And of course, Danny chooses the one cat that just hates the attention and the shelter. An after learning of her story? And how she´s slow to warm up and quick to nip? Well Reminds me and probably also Danny of a certain someone and so here we go. Cat acquired! A new achievement has been unlocked!

When Lex asks Danny why he´s even wanted to go to a shelter instead of a breeder the answer is so cute. 'I wanted to give one of them a second chance for a better life. Kind of like you did to me' Gosh my HEART. I´ll die of sugar overdose. Mercy also sends a video of the tail end of the conversation on her twitter account. Which beautifully shows how amazed and soft that makes Lex.

Of course Mercy and Lex annoy each other under that video and when Lena jumps into the conversation all hope is lost lmao. Danny learns of his aunt and well. Can´t hold the boy from family if you tried - Lex has regrets.

Next Kon brings Danny´s presents like a punk Santa Claus and is surprised that Lex left a window open for him. Well, joke´s on him because Lex sees him as a son now. He has no say in it. Not that he knows that as of yet. Or that Lex knows as of yet. But they´ll get there.

Danny lets Kon meet Pepper and even though it´s a bit awkward: it´s family.

Cass also gives him her wishes and Tucker, on a tear-stained pillow, does as well. God this boy needs something happy happening to him...

Sadly that´s when Death Day happens. It happens during a press conference where Lex gives a speech and Danny´s on the podium with him, even though he hadn´t really needed to be there.

Danny’s been rubbing his chest as if in pain and his expression has slowly gotten more and more pained and paniced. Lex has gotten worried.

And then Danny collapsed, started convulsing and … while the press loved getting that footage with camera shutters going off non-stop, Lex did certainly not. Sharks.

And that´s when Danny realized what day it is and oh boy. It´s not pretty. Danny´s just miserable when Lex tells him that it´s September 30th. Lex may not understand why, but still urges Mercy to remove everyone from the facility. Just. It´s too late for that already.

Danny screamed. He screamed as if dying. Loud and drawn out, with terror and agony on his face. And everyone´s just … frozen. Because that ... That was a death scream.

Mercy recovers first, telling Lex that they´d have to move him and Lex just … numbly nods.

The scene changes. We´re now with Clark and Lois and suffice to say that Clark is not well. He says that he will be fine, but … well. He still has the scream ringing in his ears. And Lois is also still processing the whole thing. Even when Clark was the only who´d heard Danny´s heart flatlining.

When Danny wakes up Lex is immediately in caretaker mode. Instantly asking Danny how he was feeling, giving him water, the works.

Danny´s just feeling awful and Lex wants to know why things happened as they did. When Danny just raises his shirt up to show Lex his scars, Lex is quietly but quite evidently horrified. The scars are glowing an angry green. Poor boy. The scars are showing up quite horridly to be honest.

While Lex is trying not to fall into alcoholism to deal with the situation and the revelations connecting to it, he gets a visitor. Let´s just say he´s not stoked about superman visiting him.

He´s flat out glaring at the man. And everything superman maybe wants to say comes out wrong. Not surprising with all the antagonism, even while superman wants to lend help.

Lex just flat out screams at him to get out and chucks the empty glass at him. Not that him being alone again makes Lex feel any better. But why did superman think this was a good idea? They´d never had a good talk. So why? He´d had to have known that this would´ve ended badly to begin with.

And now onto the last chapter for today. And when the notes say 'Hm, how can I make this hurt more?' then you know it will rip your heart out and trample on them.

So, the press has been having a blast with Danny´s collapse. They even out the scream into the media they published. Which is more than just bad taste if you ask me.

Clark is uneasy with the whole situation being as it is. The culprit mainly being the scream. It must have sounded horrid to have such an impact. I mean. It WAS a death scream, so of course he´d be worried, but … well. Danny´s heart had stopped.

And Clark also … doesn´t really know how to break the news to Kon or Jon. And when he wants to its already too late since the news have been talking about it on and off since the day had started.

Kon seems to feel guilty because he hadn´t heard anything, especially since he´d been on babysitting duty that day. But before he falls into a hole of self-deprecation, he asks Clark just what happened. Clark is entirely unhelpful at first. 'Just what the press has released'. As if that was all that he´d heard. But after a bit of wheedling, he elaborates: The heart rate speeding up as soon as Danny had shown discomfort, how quickly it happened. How he screamed immediately after he flatlined. How the heart had restarted without assistance but had been … slower after that. How Clark visited the penthouse the previous night and heard Danny´s heartbeat being the same as usual. He doesn´t mention Lex and his reaction though.

He also doesn’t share more about his thoughts on the relationship between Danny and his parents and how they were nearly criminally neglectful. How Danny had been afraid to live under the same roof as them and all of that in addition to Danny´s health problems? Well. He´s just happy that Lex had been able to give him a better home.

Of course, Kon immediately wants to go visit his brother, as is his right. Clark just doesn´t think it´s a good idea. You know what though? Fuck Clark. Let the boys spend time together. If something like this happened to me I´d also like some visits from my family.

Of course, Clark and Kon have a quarrel about it shortly before Kon storms off. And when Jon asks 'Did you two have a fight again?' Clark realizes that maybe he should consider this problem. Another time though. For now, though he´d have to talk about Danny with his son. What I really dislike is how he uses 'Kon´s friend Danny' instead of 'Kon´s brother' because honestly? The man should have realized their relationship by now.

Kon gets to the penthouse and deliberates how he should get in when Lex just straight up opens a window for him. Kon is prepared for a fight and Lex is just too tired to care.

I mean how done must the man be if he showed himself in SHORTS? And a polo shirt? For Lex that´s downright blasphemous to be honest. Doesn´t help that he looks exhausted.

Kon takes all of this in and realizes that for the longest time he hadn´t thought of the man as human. Or at least not as the sort of person to need rest and/or food.

While he still ruminates about all of that, Lex tells him that Danny would be waking up in a few minutes since he´d been sleeping in strange 57-minute increments. Always waking up screaming. God that must hit Lex hard.

But in the meantime, instead of just standing around they talk. About the noise isolation of the penthouse, Lex´ willingness to let Kon see his other son, Lex even offers Kon self-made food and that´s the point that surprises Kon the most. That Lex can cook. Lex being the way he is I’m not surprised about that though.

I mean, should he really be surprised? It´s Lex. The man doesn´t want to depend on someone for his livelihood so of course he can cook.

And in the deceptive calm that follows Kon asks if Danny´s going to be okay. Lex … doesn´t answer for some time, but when he does it´s for the bad news that this wasn´t the first and won´t be the last time. Of course, Kon wants to know how to make it stop … and Lex seems forlorn at the question. At the implication that Lex would be capable of doing it.

While Lex desperately wants to do that, to heal his son of something that causes him such a pain, it´s impossible. And that´s just another punch to the gut.

Lex, again, asks if Kon would like food. Upon the question of cereal being available Lex just tells Kon to 'pick his poison'. Kon sees the fruit loops and is even more confused at the titbit that Danny likes to crush them before he eats them (and isn´t that just a fun thought? I imagine it being quite therapeutic). Kon takes the lucky charms instead. To which I have to say no clue if it´s a good choice or not, I don´t know all of your fancy American cereals.

When Danny wakes with a scream Kon straight up zips upstairs to his bedroom, while Lex takes a bit more time, cleaning the dining area and being despondent because no medication will make the pain go away. Therefore, cursing his own uselessness. And Amity Park´s ignoring of Danny and his problems.

As Kon and Danny talk Lex lets us see deeper into his feelings by mentioning, that he´d not wanted anyone to talk to Danny, but that the emotions would help Danny heal. They´d amass and bring ectoplasm with them, which is what Danny needed to heal.

Therefore, in theory, Danny can sense any and all emotions. He´d have to focus on them though, to know what they actually mean.

So Kon and Danny talk and banter and pet Pepper and Lex is just there, basically thinking about a great many things, including both of his sons and how he may have fucked up his relationship with one of them. He´s also surprised about Kon going to school. Which. Lex. LEX. Why did you think otherwise??

When Kon is gone, they talk about therapy again and how much Danny probably needs it. How Lex would probably need it as well, but can´t considering that his board of directors as well as the public would see it as a sign of instability and therefore boot him out of the company. Yeah, he really did not make many friends, did he?

And on the question why Danny doesn´t want it despite Jazz wanting to become a therapist? Danny tells Lex about Spectra. I hate that woman, so, so much tbh. She deserves the WORST.

When Danny calls himself a freak of nature, Lex calmly explains to him that no, he´s not. He overcame nature, he lived despite the odds. He may be rare, whichever species he identifies as, but is still a person like any other. Perhaps even stronger, since Danny just keeps on fighting against the odds.

And Danny admits that he´s just afraid of being right. Lex admits that he´s afraid of many things - losing everything he built for example. But also, that we can´t be afraid forever and can I just say? Preach.

Fear is a very, very powerful thing. It can consume us until we are but a husk of ourselves in our daily lives. It can take our light and our joy and our love and leave us with nothing but itself for company. And fighting against it is hard. So, so very hard. Maybe one of the hardest things to do even. But that does not mean we should stop fighting, does it? Regardless of how hard it gets; life can still be worth living for.

And Danny does promise to at least try. I´m incredibly proud of him for that. Because it´s a hard step to take and one that takes courage. Courage that a great many people do not have.

Then we come to Lena and Lex who have a sibling talk to last the ages. That Fatherhood suits Lex, even though he has the feeling it makes him age twice as fast. But that he also looks so much happier nowadays.

And then Lena destroys the good mood by asking Lex if he´d talked to their father recently. That he´s been asking about Lex. Who would rather jump into a vat of acid than talk to the man. And in the light of what will happen later? Yeah, that´s a good choice. That man is just pure malice incarnated, but we´re not there yet. This is just the foreshadowing.

The man apparently also wants to meet Danny and Lex would rather that not happen. When Lena just looks puzzled about that, he elaborates that none of them had a good relationship with their father. So why would she even ask? For hope of a happy family? She´s known them her whole life, shouldn´t she know better? But I guess that´s the hopeful optimist that´s speaking out of her.

And in the end, Lex does admit that fatherhood, that the content feeling he has by taking care of Danny, that that is happiness. And that´s just cute. He´s a father peeps. He´s a happy father :3

The end comes upon us with Harley hugging the living daylights out of Danny and talking with him. Danny goes right for the heavy stuff with the sentence "

“When I was fourteen, I died,” Danny told her suddenly, giving her reason to pause. “I don’t think I ever really came back.”

And just ouch. True, but ouch.

And with that this part comes to its end.

A great many things happened in just five chapter. So many words, so much and yet so little time going by. Things are starting to fall into place, don´t they?

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