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#it's... he should have the emotional awareness to know that there's a lot more discussion to have when these people are new to it

ch0sene · 2 months

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btw in my world halsin himself speaks to any partner of tav's that is potentially entering into a poly dynamic with them, whether they discussed that as a triad or a v - really, in my world, they all three of them sit down and talk about it together to air any reservations and/or misconceptions. if there is ever anything less than enthusiastic consent given for the negotiated arrangement, he will recuse himself, expressing his best wishes for the couple.

#* ooc.#the way he's written in canon sometimes reminds me of someone i knew in my hometown and oh it gives me the ick.#the appearance of a poly/kink savant but when you actually hold a mirror up to the meat of what's going on... it's missing a lot #some of that is constraints of the medium i understand #but i hate Particularly in the case of karlach how... you cannot communicate to him any of the complexity in her position on the matter #and he doesn't care. 'she said yes? great no further questions LET'S FUCK TONIGHT'#it's... he should have the emotional awareness to know that there's a lot more discussion to have when these people are new to it #when they don't get it instinctively like he does

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i4oba · 12 days

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nct dream as… !%# types of dates .. 🥣⋆☄︎. *. ⋆

[non-idol ver.! just so you know eheh]

✰ MARK — drive-in theater

it honestly came to mind pretty randomly, as you two got back from your last exam of the semester, driving mindlessly for about two hours — not because you didn’t know what you want to do, but because you two simply just enjoyed doing nothing??? but so many things at the same???

just listening to the mixtape you made for mark, singing so loud everyone could hear since the windows were rolled down too… you felt a sense of freedom? some kind of… relief from the burdens??? it was a pretty hectic exam season you two had to endure and since it was finally over.. you couldn’t keep your excitement low

looking at each other with love and adoration, exhaustion vanishing in the company of the other one — it honestly should be studied? how easy it is for you two to affect the other???

you stumbled upon the drive-in theater by accident, it wasn’t planned or anything, you just wanted to simply spend your night at mark’s place and call it a day, watch a movie on his laptop while cuddling and stuff

but when you spotted the sign you couldn’t help but exclaim, getting all excited over it, even slapping mark’s upper arm… poor boy winced and just said “hey, no need to kill the driver”

you didn’t even need to convince him honestly, he immediately agreed and there you were… not knowing what was actually screening, blindly finding a good spot you two can park and enjoy the movie

it would’ve slapped if it was some kind of slasher horror from the 80s… but it was casablanca

WHICH IS SO CLICHÉ I KNOW BUT it makes So much sense and honestly, it’s such a big game changer to see it like that. it’s like an opportunity you shouldn’t miss

mark got some popcorn and something to drink, to make the whole atmosphere even more “vibey”, as he said, and you two just.. turned off your minds and watched the movie

discussing it and everything, like FELLAS, that’s the right experience! that’s how you watch a movie!!! YOU GOTTA ANALYZE THE SHIT OUT OF IT!!!!!!! ahah

in the end, when almost everyone drove away from the theater, leaving you two here with like.. only 3 other cars, mark gave a kiss on your lips, as a way of celebrating it all. it was for a fleeting moment only, yet it was so sweet and full of emotions

it was a reward, of some sort.

✰ RENJUN — museum date

there was this new exhibition at the local fine arts museum so… it wasn’t even a question that you two would literally RUN (and get a good use of the student discount ahah, it’s a lifesaver!)

casually choosing some elegant clothes which, of course, had to be matching to a certain extent – people HAVE TO see that you guys are together, plus it would look so good on the pictures

you expected lot more of people since it was the first week of the grand opening but it wasn’t that crowded. Which is a good thing honestly, you hate it when it’s sooo full you cannot even move properly

it was an exhibition of some impressionist works by some of the most renowed painters, it was a must to not only look the best, but to prepare yourself for a long day of strolling around

you usually spend tons of time in museums anyways, but this also as part of a date??? the security would have to kick you out asap.. ahah

renjun immediately reached for your hands to hold, while walking around, looking at the beautiful paintings, talking about whatever came to mind – not just about art itself, topics changed so fast you couldn’t even realize it by the time it did

being in art school meant that renjun can sometimes tell you little fun facts and tips&tricks he had learnt in uni

sometimes it amazes how well informed he is and how he knows so many know-hows.. not like you weren’t aware, you absolutely knew he’s smart AND TALENTED, but still ahah

after a good… 3 hours or so? you two decided to end the date with a quick stop at the museum shop :DDD it’s a must honestly, you gotta buy every magnet and postcard you can… especially of such beautiful paintings???!!! you would be stupid if you left without Anything

so you two bought tons of stuff… even some things you can exchange, as if they were gifts for one another :,) ahhh…

you just have to print out that picture of you two, taken in front of that big painting of mesmerizing flowers: renjun kissing you softly, hands on your waist, eyes closed

✰ JENO — stargazing

you had been planning this for literal days before… you know, getting everything together, like those cool ass lamps in a jar bottle with the led stuff, blankets you bought from a nearby art shop?? which sold basically everything??? ahah

drinks and snacks too… you were honestly So Ready to go stargazing! :D

you were supposed to go to that rather tiny park of the town which is mostly empty. that’s why you decided on going there, avoid people and stuff, just the two of you, looking at the constellations >:( honestly it’s so romantic it makes me Cringe (i crave it)

but in the end, you two decided to stay at yours instead, since your parents left for the weekend anyways, which is just a bonus: it’s the two of you in the backyard with the vast sky full of stars

idyllic??? romantic??? adorable and unforgettable??????

All of the above

at first, you two just sat down on the swing bed your father recently bought at a random flea market he religiously visited every weekend :,)

but then, to use the blanket you brought outside (what a tiresome task ahah), you two laid down on the ground instead

the first constellation you spotted was the big dipper, exclaiming when you noticed it on the sky, gently shoving jeno’s shoulder, who was rather nonchalant at first

he then, of course matched your energy, and got super super excited, especially after noticing the ursa major :D he felt like he accomplished his life goal or something ahah (hes so stupid but in a cute way)

what the cherry on top was is his hands, reaching for yours, fingers intertwining, as your heart warmed up – you looked at him, his beautiful face, and noticed that adorable eyesmile of his

life felt good. you felt at home

✰ HAECHAN — restaurant hop

he fucking hates cooking lmfao he’s all like “yo girl i don’t think we should let Me get near that oven… we might burn up the whole house IJBOL” (he would definitely use ijbol irl)

so you were like…

hyuck, you literally don’t even have to come to the kitchen bro, i will cook… which happens most of the times when you decide to stay at home for dates

but this day!!! to spare you from the tiring task of cooking!!!!!!!! he said that you guys should try out restaurant hopping

you were confused as hell honestly, like wdym you want that, aren’t you a picky mf lmfao

but he said that he’s feeling adventurous and is pretty much lazy to go hiking or anything that a sane person would go for

and he felt hungry so it was like the best choice in his eyes – you were sick of spending most of your nights at his (shared…) apartment so you agreed after like… 5 secs of persuading

you wanted to plan out where you should go and maybe book a table at some restaurant but he was all like “honey, we should be spontaneous, go with the flow…”, so you did???? Ahah

the first restaurant was not even a restaurant, it was just the first street food stall you two stumbled upon, getting something for the both of you

you didn’t want to feel full so early so you chose something light (unlike hyuck who was sure he was “alright” but after like the second stop, he was dying because his stomach was hurting “So Badly”)

you ended the restaurant hop with a donut at one of the bakeries you usually go to – you know, to finish it off with something familiar??? now lemme just say, it was chaotic, because haechan could BARELY finish it and made it your problem, whining like a little girl after every bite

like you told him not to get the biggest, sweetest and greasiest one but he was sooo sure in himself, he said he’s got an extra stomach for desserts

well… was he wrong…….

you spent 1.5 hours there!!!!!! he took so much time LMFAOXJAJX they were closing already and he still hadn’t finished

so you tried to rush him and stuff but he turned his princess mode on ahah

but at least, on the way back to his place, he bought you tulips :) it was such a sweet gesture <3

not as sweet as his donut was…… (he almost threw up the next day cause he was feeling nauseous from the food)

✰ JAEMIN — picnic date

jaemin was so excited :( he literally couldn’t stop talking about it like.. that’s right dude!!!!!! we’re going on a date!!!!!! A PICNIC DATE!!!!!

he would literally live in the kitchen before the occasion so that he can cook&bake tons of things for you to eat :) he’s so… he’s so malewife

all you’re left to deal with is bringing the basket and checkered blanket, every other things are settled! they are in his hands, under his control :D

you two went to the park which is right next to the lake – you wanted to see swans while talking about anything and everything that came to mind (he literally compared your beauty to that of a swan… which made you almost tear up like BOY YOU DID NOT… argghhh)

it was a must to start it off with the most basic and cliché thing of everything: the chocolate covered strawberries, feeding each other all lovey-dovey, tooth rottingly sweet and stuff

everyone was possibly like “okay lemme just kms” when they spotted you two, all up on each other, legs all tangled together, stealing kisses from the other, while giggling so loudly

it was SOO so idyllic, almost like you two escaped from a romance movie, or a painting. it felt… perfect, in a way?

birds singing, the sun shining gently on your skin, while you could hear the laughter of the children running around, clouds in animal shapes

then the sun slowly setting, pinkish hues taking up the sky above, everything becoming quiet as time passes by

he hugs you tightly. tighter than ever, perhaps

✰ CHENLE — karaoke

if two weeks pass by without you and chenle going to a karaoke… Most probably it’s because you broke up or something

like girl ain’t no way you WON’T go to karaoke dates… nuh huh, impossible to even think of that ??? CHENLE, out of all people

that’s the least believable thing like i promise you!

like saturday night are for the gir- KARAOKE!!!!! :P that’s how it always goes, getting ready, putting on some casual clothes, maybe eating something quick before that, and then spending the entire time singing your lungs out

you don’t even have energy by the end of it, like it… seems impossible to even crawl back home :,)

but honestly it’s all worth it, comparing your score and stuff, seeing which one of you sings better

sometimes you just open instagram and do lives too, so that your followers can pick who they liked more

(it’s always chenle’s acc though like SO MANY people follows him, he’s like a celebrity… ahah!)

haechan always comes to watch and roasts the both of you, especially when it can be seen that chenle kisses you here and there

he types “EWWWW GET A ROOM FREAKS” and thinks he’s hilarious lmfao

you always start the date with a quick and energetic song, one that boost your energy up easily and then… honestly it depends on your mood

sometimes you gotta be in your moods and sing romantic ballads to each other, as if it’s a serenade

but then again, moods swing so quickly and you can end up in a rap battle too

you would totally eat him up tbh… and he knows it so well

he finishes the date off with the most cheesiest, lovely romantic song ever… like a confession said yet again, for the hundreth time

✰ JISUNG — amusement park

it wasn’t his idea honestly

it was all you coming up with it, because there was that one roller coaster you’d always been scared to go on

and since you haven’t visited ever since you had jisung… you thought MAYBEEEE (just maybe) it would be better with him

you can at least hold onto him and stuff

he wanted to eat before the ride though… you did not let him, of course, since you didn’t want him to throw up on you AHAH

but like, why did he came there RAVENOUS? duh … you’re gonna say goodbye to your guts on the ride girl what did you expect

but you know, the ride wasn’t even the part you enjoyed the most – it was good, of course, just not that… outstanding? i guess? it was alright… especially because you could hold jisung’s hand so tightly :,) it was honestly so adorable

they should’ve taken pictures of you like you’re sure you would’ve put it on the fridge or something

but after that, you went to the gift shop, to get those silly headbands!!!!! you got one that resembled a cat, and jisung got one with a hamster >:( it was adorbs

you two looked like those IT couples that you can always see in instagram, you know, holding hands, taking silly candid pictures and then eating sooo much food

FINALLY!!! thought jisung probably ahah you got so many sweets it was like you could feel your tooth decaying lmfao

at the end of the day, you two decided to try out the freshly opened photo booth which had been going viral for weeks

it was… an experience to say the least :,) but the pictures came out prettier than ever!!!! except for the one where jisung sneezed and you got all scared because he was Loud loud ahah

but the compensation was a fleeting kiss on your cheek! which was also captured on one of the pictures :)

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liliths-missing-pen · 8 months

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How They Are When They're In Love: Trey Clover, Cater Diamond, Jack Howl, Malleus Draconia

Character Pairings: Trey Clover, Cater Diamond, Jack Howl, Malleus Draconia x Reader (Separate)

Written for @oheyfox and @meliacamelia hope y’all enjoy your man’s <3

Warnings: None.

Masterlist

Trey Clover

The normal

I have physically never sat down once and written out a list of headcanons so this'll be interesting : )

Trey would be aware of once these feelings hit him immediately, however, he doesn't want to scare you off. He would prefer to keep these ideas to himself before he does anything rash

Riddle would notice a difference in his friend but wouldn't make a comment again when he did ask Trey replied with a "Nothing is wrong."

Cater on the other hand would be more persistent in getting him to spill the tea to know what's going on in the vice-housewarden's mind. As a result, Trey doesn't budge with Cater's asking. He only opens up to Cater about it after figuring out what he wants to do with it.

What is it you may ask? He wants to keep it on the down low. Both of you are still in high school. He doesn't see why he should tell you, he finds it unnecessary so he tucks it into his head for no one else to see/hear...

That's until Cater kept asking him about it and in an effort for this endless questionnaire to end he discussed with him that he wasn't interested in having a high school romance.

This, thankfully quieted him down, but he did give the odd comment one of these being "what do you have to lose?" He was aware of how common this phase was. The frequent use burns away the meaning of it. He knew what he had to lose with you... Yet it didn't stop him from at least thinking.

When Trey is in love with you that scenario could happen. Either way, he wouldn't treat you any differently than his dorm mates... At least to the eye. He'd had things going on in the backgrounds, the little things to show his love to you. Even if he knew it would never be seen or even returned..

You could hear the clicks of shoes in the empty hallways. You weren't sure who it could be this late at night on campus but you didn't have much time to think when you turned the corner and there he was. "Hi Y/n," Trey greeted you. He held a plate with tin foil covering what was inside. "I was looking for you... I know you tend to give your food away to Grim or he steals it from you and I just so happen to just finish your favourite pastry. Have it. I know you deserve it."

Cater Diamond

The schoolgirl who will reject the idea

I had this overflow of emotions to write him whilst listening to BABYMETAL so... Yeah, ngl kind of a fitting genre for him

This guy has his emotions tucked away so far away in the back of his head that even if he's spacing out during class and thinking of you at the most random times he will still reject the idea of having a crush on you and slowly falling in love.

He's a guy that does not put his emotions fully on display and it's quite hard to get a read on him if you express the same interest in him and are trying to figure him out.

He's denying everything so hard, yet everyone who comes into contact with Cater knows something is going down that isn't coming to light. The only one who knows what's going down is probably Trey or some best friend he has that isn't mentioned.

It won't even be because he told them. The only reason they would know is because they see how they look at you.

Mentioning you, he's avoiding you like the plague. Anytime he sees you walking around a corner he's going the direct opposite direction even if it means he would take longer getting to class or being late.

He knows he's hurting you but he genuinely is unsure of what to do. This guy will need someone to sit him down, probably Trey or even Deuce or Ace to get him straightened out and to help him to face what he fears. You and rejection.

They will need to hype him up a lot for this one...

"Sorry about not talking with ya for a while..." You stared up at the obviously nervous Cater. He wasn't typically like this. Something was most definitely up. "There's something I want to discuss... I'll keep it to minimal cringe 'kay?" He asks shining a bright smile but you and him know there's something underneath with all the clues being brought together. There was no way you were going to let this boy go, even if he wanted to run away like a school girl.

Jack Howl

The silly <3

He genuinely does not recognize that he’s fallen in love with you for a long time.

He’s heard of the idea so many times over by strangers in the wild, his peers, and even his parents how love was such a wonderful thing.

In the ghost marriage however, it's shown that this little beastman expresses want for love like his parents and as well his grandparents and how once they've fallen in love they're in it for the long haul

Even though he may be so sure that you're the one he may not recognize it while everyone else in his life may have already figured it out

I could make out the first years, particularly Ace making fun of him for his little crush on you.

Even Ruggie would get on the trend, picking at poor Jack. He would also use this as an opportunity to hang this over his head to get him to do stuff for him, yet Jack still would admit nor realize it.

Even with all of that Jack still wouldn’t recognize how he was in love with you, the slight wag and how his ears perk up your voice the immediate moment he could be heard

He would learn it on his own time, the teasing from his peers may only have only helped this process in its own time, not being the realization.

Maybe on one of his morning runs he would realize as he is running through campus he would any other day he takes a stop to admire some flowers or item that he’s reminded is one of your favourites. That is when it hits him…

He’s in love. He's in love and he doesn't know what to do

He most definitely asked his dad for advice and how he won over his mother and tried to figure out how to use those things he told him to win you over not even realizing that you were just as head over heels for him

As said, once they have a partner they are stuck with them for life

He would be a true gentleman, pulling together a bouquet trying to impress you, making sure what he brought you has the correct meaning he wanted to give you.

"Hey... Uhm, Y/n do you have a moment?" Jack towered over you while holding something behind his back. "I... Was wondering if you wanted to go to a restaurant and..." His face flushed he pulls out what was behind his back... A bouquet of baby's breath and violets. "It'll be a date?"

(Baby's breath - Everlasting love

Violets - Loyalty)

Malleus Draconia

Good old fashioned lover boy : D

Malleus has been locked away most of his life. He might've been free to have whatever he wanted in materials, but his experiences were locked away. Lilia mentioned how he travelled but Malleus never came along with him. Being the Prince of Briar Valley he wasn't allowed to have typical experiences. Once he'd gotten the taste of normal, he didn't want to go back.

How did he gain it? His relationship with you of course. From day one you didn't treat him differently. You treated him normally. He felt ruined when he messed up that he signed the letter he had given you "M.D." sure enough that you would clue in by then. Yet he felt relieved. He wasn't so sure if what he felt was endearment to you or worry from how clueless you seemed to be. He truly soured and believed that your friendship and what he enjoyed from you was gone once he showed up at the VDC

Yet.. You treating him like a normal human fae still happened? He never had a traditional friendship like others his age. So the fact that he started to gain feelings for you was much so unexpected, nor was it detected straight away.

Lilia never thought that he would have to go through this, explaining what love meant. He'd never say it to his face but he wouldn't have been surprised if his grandmother ever decided to put him into a arranged marriage because how much Lilia and her screwed up not letting him interact with kids his age that weren't assigned to be with him at all times.

So once Malleus started speaking of this Ramshackle prefect so dearly he had a cue that he would have to dust off the birds and bees story- In all serious though he decided that he had to have the talk asking how dearly he held this prefect of his. Malleus didn't know any better.

Once Lilia explained to him what was going... Dragon courting began. You were begining to collect many fancy jewelery that you weren't even sure what to do with. Malleus did have a hoard he could pick from and he surely did not cheap out when gifting. You were starting to get nervous from the way that Sebek would glare at you when passing in the halls. At one point Malleus gifted you a solid gold bar where you had to tell him he didn't have to gift you all these expensive things. Explaining him that it didn't matter he was a prince and could afford to give you all this you didn't want people thinking that you were using him. *cough cough* SEBEK

Yet through all of that you treated him as if he was a normal person. It made him so attracted to you. Yearning for you even. He wasn't sure if you were getting a message through with his courting though. However, he found it amusing so he decided letting this go another year or two couldn't hurt. After all you were his only friend. He wasn't going to let you go that easily and let something such as romance break it off so quickly. Even he couldn't take that hurt.

You stood outside of Ramshackle scrolling through your phone. You looked up as you noticed a shadow loomed over you. "Tsunataro!" Your immediate response hugging him. Malleus chuckled, "Hello prefect," he greeted. "I'm so happy you're here. I found a new gargole near here I have to show you it!" You exclaimed. "First, I have something for you," he reached into his pocket as he took out a small ring. "A promise ring. Lilia told me that it was very popular nowadays." You gawk at him as you slowly and careful take the ring from his hand and put it on your index finger. "It's beautiful, but Tsunataro... Nevermind, I like it a lot thank you." A smile graced Malleus "Of course my Treasure." You swore it was some sort of fluke that you weren't dating at the moment.

Requests are open‼️

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lurkingshan · 11 months

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I’m thinking a lot about the scene between Pran and Tian where they discuss the fight Tian and Phupha are having. Not the fake one about who liked who first, but the real one about Phupha refusing to travel home with Tian or change anything about his life to meet Tian’s needs. It’s a funhouse mirror image of the conflict Pat and Pran are having about how much Pran should let Pat help him, and their long-term dynamic of Pat letting Pran win every disagreement and always being the one to compromise or give in when their needs are in tension.

What I love about it is that Tian doesn’t know anything about their relationship, he’s just (drunkenly) talking about his own experience, and how frustrating and exhausting it is to be with someone like Phupha who never meets him halfway. And Pran is sitting across from this guy who looks like his twin, whose story he has already memorized and connected to, who he now thinks of as a sort-of friend, and he is self-aware enough to see the parallels instantly, and to feel a little embarrassed and ashamed that he is essentially the Phupha in his relationship. And you see him react, just a little, and maybe start to think for the first time about what it must feel like for Pat to yield to him on everything, and never have that reciprocated by Pran.

Reading this wonderful post from @waitmyturtles earlier where she mentioned how she empathizes with Pran, I was also reflecting a bit about where I see myself in this story, and let me tell you, I am such a Phupha. When it comes to how I want to live my life, where I want to be, and how I want to spend my time and with whom, I am uncompromising to a fault. I completely get where Phupha is coming from - I told you who I am, and now you’re telling me it’s not enough. He is frustrated by the idea that he has to change himself for Tian, and I get that, I really do. It’s something I am personally not willing to do. The key difference between me and Phupha, however, is that I am not in love and I do not desire to be in a romantic partnership. He very much is, and very much does.

So what might a guy like Phupha think, as he is struggling so much with the idea of yielding to Tian, when he is met with someone like Pat? Someone who is so like him in some ways - in his strength, his masculinity, his physicality, his confidence, his loyalty, his desire to help others - and yet so unlike him in other ways - his emotional openness, his vulnerability, his comfort with compromise, his absolute willingness to put his pride aside for his lover. Where Phupha is rigid, Pat is versatile, in every sense of the word. There is a lot Phupha might learn from talking to someone like Pat about how he sees his relationship, why he is always willing to bend to Pran’s needs, and why he ultimately feels it’s worth it, even if he sometimes feels some of the frustration that Tian does. Might Phupha have his own epiphany next week, opening up a path for him to finally compromise on something important to Tian?

@dribs-and-drabbles, I’m not sure how this might fit into your theory about the patterns playing out in these episodes, but I really hope we get to see this happen next week, and watch both of these couples learn from each other’s experiences and find a way to meet their partners in the middle. Because as @waitmyturtles said, this is the work of being in a long term relationship.

In the server with @bengiyo @shortpplfedup @kyr-kun-chan @wen-kexing-apologist we talk often about how amazing it is when romances address what happens to couples after they get together, and how exciting it is that we are starting to see more bl shows about the work of staying together, and I’m so glad that the genius minds behind Bad Buddy and A Tale of Thousand Stars took the opportunity of this special to dig into that so authentically. And to have done it in such a brilliant way, by mixing and matching these characters from beloved shows, putting them side by side and demonstrating how they are similar and also how they can learn from each other, creating a sense of community in this shared universe, and making it all so damn fun along the way, is just an unbelievable treat for us as an audience. Can't wait to see how it all comes together next week.

#bad buddy #a tale of thousand stars #our skyy 2 #thai bl #shan shouts into the void

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hanniluvi · 1 year

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SO THIS IS LOVE — HEESEUNG ONESHOT

“i’m serious. do you want to be my valentines?”

synopsis : Having a crush on a close friend was a nightmare of yours. Even though you didn't want it to happen, it did. You continued to crush on him in secret, not knowing he was interested into you too. If he asked you to be his valentine's day date, what would you say?

pairing : co-worker!heeseung x co-worker!fem!reader

genre : fluff, friends to lovers

featuring : sieun from stayc

warnings : mentions of overworking here and there (reader), pecks, lmk if i should add some more!!

word count : 5.4K+

author’s note : i def struggled a bit but i managed to complete it!! this took way longer than expected + 5.4K+ words??!!? that’s a lot then i planned but 😧😧 sorry if there’s any grammar / writing mistakes in advance! hope you enjoy <3

1 - A WEIRD FEELING

He was unique. You were drawn to Heeseung for no apparent reason. Love? Not your greatest forte. Although being in a relationship appeared burdensome to you, you were curious about what it’s like. What it's like to tell someone you love them. Or, how it feels to refer to someone as your partner. You had imagined being with Heeseung before, but your mind couldn't wrap around it. You truly ended up falling in love this time—you couldn't help it.

Only around him, you had a particular feeling all the time. Only with him, the butterflies in your stomach seemed to increase every time. Yes, you liked Lee Heeseung, a close friend of yours. You felt strange because you've spent your entire life rejecting affection. Why? It’s not like you hated it; you just didn't know how to handle it. It was way too overwhelming.

Have you ever had a crush on someone? Yes, but not any significant ones. They always seemed to not be interested in you anyways. It didn't bother you much. It was just that when you were younger, everyone would discuss their dates or talk about how much they admired their crushes. Although you were aware that you shouldn't feel upset, you still felt out of place. But, you knew love would come to you one day. Just one day.

And it did. Your heart keeps beating heavily for Heeseung. When you're around him, you always complain to your close friends about having a strange feeling in your stomach. Or how you felt yourself out of breath when you attempted to speak to him. Considering that he’s one of your acquaintances, it would be difficult for you to act normally around him. Your friends were shocked when you finally developed feelings for someone. At first, they didn't believe in you, and truth be told, neither did you.

You've never felt like a blushing mess around a guy like this. Your friends also observed how you behaved around him, so you realized you were in trouble. But it's alright, emotions can fade with time, right? At least that's what you hoped.

2 - ANOTHER DAY AT WORK?

At your home, you are currently scurrying everywhere. Were you about to be late to work again? Sadly, yes. Okay, but you stayed up late last night watching a show. Don't blame your alarm clock for it; it is ultimately your problem.

You made the decision to skip breakfast since you didn't want to miss the train. Fortunately, you managed to get to the station in time. You're lucky. 9 am, and the train is crowded, as usual. All the seats were taken, leaving you to stand up the whole way there. It's okay; you didn't care honestly. You only cared about getting to work on time and maybe even seeing Heeseung when you entered the building.

9:30 AM. You're on your way to the company. You finally reached the elevator and pressed the button, out of breath. As you walk in, you press the floor number where your office is located. A familiar figure appears as the door is about to close. To keep the doors open, you quickly press a button. Heeseung was the person in question. He releases a sigh of relief and thanks you.

"Thank you yn." he checks his watch, "I'm glad I didn't have to run and drop my coffee to get on the elevator with you." You both exchange smiles.

Heeseung breaks the silence, "Did you have breakfast?" His concern made heat rise up to your cheeks. It felt like he actually cared for you, with all the daily check ups he would do. Whenever he had the time, he would always shoot a text message to see if you've gotten home safely or had a meal. You cleared your throat and responded back.

"No, I haven't." you noticed Heeseung's eyes get wide. "Not even a drink?" You give him a no in response.

He shook his head and said, "You should eat breakfast, yn. How else will you stay energized throughout the day?" He was cute as you listened to him blabber about the importance of having breakfast.

The elevator door opens, you and him walk out at the same time. As you're walking to the office, he taps on your shoulder. He extends his coffee towards you, causing you to make a strange expression. He realizes you don't understand what he's trying to do, so he places the cup of coffee in your hands.

"Have it." You said before he walks away, "wait what-"

"You need it more than me. I ate already so, coffee is the least I could give you right now."

"No really it's okay—"

"I insist."

He comes to a halt as you are taken aback. He smiles as he turns to face you. "Just accept it. Think of it as my treat?” he waits for you to reply. You give a slight nod, making him smile. “Let's get to work before our boss yells at us." He motions for you to walk with him, causing you to rush over. He chuckles as you blush without his awareness.

3 - HE’S JUST THAT GUY.

You went straight to your desk when you walked into the office. You couldn't stop grinning about your short interaction with Heeseung earlier. Sieun, a coworker, noticed your cheerful demeanor. You didn't notice her sneakily go behind you as you sipped your drink.

"How come you're so cheerful on a Monday morning?" Sieun's voice jolted you out of your seat, nearly spilling your coffee on your shirt. She ignores your stare and settles back to await your response. You didn't respond to her, causing her to furrow her brows slightly. It made her think, prompting her to exclaim.

"Do you finally have a boyfriend?" she asks, pointing at you. You slapped her hand away, giving her another glare. "Will you lower your voice?" you asked, "And no, I don't have one."

Sieun sulks her way back to her desk. But, she's back in less than 5 seconds to question you. She turns to face you, making you wait silently to see what she wants.

"Do you like Hee-" you quickly cover her mouth with your hand. She notices your motion and slowly smiles. You quickly move away from her, pretending to sort through the stack of papers on your desk. "It appears that yn has a crush," she teased. In embarrassment, you groaned and messed up your hair.

Sieun is amused by your current state. She straightens your hair and assures you that having crushes is normal. "What do you like about him?" she inquired. You sat up and considered it. You were always asked that question, but you never really answered it clearly. Is it true that it was love at first sight? Not exactly, but it could be. His smiles? No, there had to be more to it. Should there really be a reason why you liked him if everything about him was perfect? Sieun flicks your forehead, bringing you back to your thoughts.

"Stop thinking too hard about it. You really don't even need to have a reason to like him. If you think he's pretty then there you have it. Even with no reason, I can tell you like him a lot. You guys would look cute together."

"Oh my god Sieun stop it."

"Just being honest!"

You fix your gaze on Heeseung, whose desk was in front of your row. You noticed him completely absorbed in his work, typing away at his computer. You noticed how his glasses complemented his face and how his black bangs fell over the eye.You liked the way he pushed his glasses up and his hair back when focusing. That was enough to convince you to fold for him. Who knew you had a thing for guys with glasses? Heeseung catches you staring at him, making him wave slightly at you. You immediately broke eye contact, cursing under your breath. You were caught staring at him once more. How obvious could you possibly be?

You're still at the office, overworking yourself yet again. It was always a problem for you, and it could never be resolved. You were passionate about your work. It was always important to you, causing you to work on projects weeks in advance or assist with important events. Your dedication had undoubtedly resulted in unhealthy habits, which you needed to solve. It was, however, difficult. So, you're in the office at 11 p.m. You sighed with relief when you finished your report. You stood up to stretch, then your gaze was drawn to Heeseung's desk. His belongings remained in their place. His work was still there and so were his personal belongings. Hm. Weird. He usually gets home around this time.

You go to make yourself a cup of coffee as you pass by his desk. You notice him near the printers while waiting for the coffee machine. You hurried back to your desk after quickly making your drink. Heeseung, unfortunately, observed your movements. He isn't surprised to see you working late at night again. Almost everyone knows you work the hardest; you certainly deserved to be named employee of the month. He's smiling because of your dedication to the team.

When he has finished printing his copies, he returns to his desk. Due to the cold weather outside, he notices you don't have a coat. He becomes concerned when he notices you packing your belongings. As a reflex, he grabs his jacket and holds it in his hand, wondering if he should give it to you. Was he always like this? He assumed it was just because you were his friend, but it could be much more. Why would he give up his coat for the sake of a friend? He has no idea; perhaps you are special to him. While you had an obvious crush on him, he was still figuring out his own feelings.

He approaches you, ignoring his thoughts. What exactly does he want from you now? You try to divert your attention elsewhere—it was unsuccessful. Heeseung hands you his jacket but you refuse. "There's no need, Heeseung—I'll be fine out there! It's also your jacket, I don’t want to take something you need. " You said in shock. "I drove here, are you taking the train? I just need to turn on the heat in my car. It's quite cold outside." He elaborated. "Unless you want a ride?”

He laughs at your nervous expression and as you take the jacket he offered you. "I don't want to be a problem, so..." You mumbled something. "Yn, you're never a bother. It's the least I can do for you once more." He returns to his desk. He calls you again while packing his belongings. "Let's walk out together and then say our goodbyes."

He walks alongside you while you finish packing. He rushes to open the door for you as you get closer to the exit. You shyly thank him before leaving. The silence is evident as you make your way to the elevator. The only sounds heard were the elevator opening and closing, so it's a calming silence. No one bothered to initiate the conversation, leaving him to fidget with his watch and you to fix the jacket he gave you.

Ding!

He waits for you to exit first as the elevator door finally opens. He comes to a halt and turns to face you. He smiles and gestures to his car in the parking lot. "It appears that we must part ways." He takes his car keys out of his pocket. "Will you be there tomorrow?" "Yeah... " you nod slowly. “I'll see you tomorrow. By the way, thanks for the jacket." Heeseung hums in response, “I hope you reach home safely!” He sprints over to his car, waving his hand. You chuckle at him and wave back.

You smile as you walk away from your workplace. The cologne scent was noticeable on his jacket. You couldn't believe he offered you his jacket, having you turning red not because of the weather, but because of his kindness. You knew you'd be thinking about it all night, let alone telling your friends about it. Just why couldn't he be yours already?

4 - THE JACKET

You've only had 5 hours of sleep. You didn't want to get out of bed because it was too cold. As you walked, you collided with your desk, causing you to groan in pain. You rubbed your knee as you made your way to the kitchen. Making toast with jam, you remembered Heeseung's words, “always make sure to have breakfast.”

You checked the time: 8:30 a.m. You dashed out the door, wearing the nearest jacket you could find. You had to wait 30 minutes for the next train. What else could possibly go wrong with your day? You've finally arrived at your workplace, rubbing your eyes as you walk to your office. You notice Heeseung as you sluggishly make your way to the elevator. You quickly fixed your appearance and walked towards him.

You greet him, and he gives you a surprised look before looking away, leaving you perplexed. Did you have something on your face? Did you look that bad this morning? He returns your gaze while clearing his throat. He pointed to your jacket after you made eye contact. When you look at the jacket you're wearing, your eyes widen from shock, and you become fully awake. His jacket is the one you're wearing right now. It’s the same one he gave you last night.

You decide to take the stairs before he says anything. As you rush up the stairs, you remove your jacket. You hear him calling your name yet you avoid him. You made sure you got into that office before he got onto the same floor as you. Sieuns, you were met with a familiar pair of eyes as you entered, out of breath. She looks at your exhausted state, confused.

You neatly folded Heeseung's jacket and placed it on his chair. Sieun notices, smirking slightly as you walk to your desk. She shuts down your laptop before you can begin working. You let out a sigh and locked eyes with her.

"What did you just walk in with?" Her voice had a playful tone to it. "It's just a misunderstanding. He gave me his jacket because I was going home by myself without a car." You confirmed it to her once more.

"It's clear that he likes you back!"

He clearly likes you back. Those words kept repeating in your mind, forcing you to think hard. Does he really? He was always such a nice guy; there's no way he only treats you this way. You were convinced that you were the only one who felt anything. But you never thought of him actually liking you. No, Sieun was simply trying to keep your hopes up. She’s just joking, obviously.

"No, he doesn't!" Sieun gives you a glare after you clear your throat. She thinks about what she wants to say before her anger takes over. This time, she was going to get a bad headache because of you—the roles had been reversed.

"What kind of guy gives you his jacket on a COLD—emphasis on COLD—day? That's only if you're in a relationship!"

"Please don't boost my ego up."

"I'm just saying you might have a chance! Make the most of February 14th when it arrives. Time flies by!"

Gosh, feelings are sure complicated.

So this is love? If so, you suddenly feel the need to explore it more.

5 - HE MAKES YOU GO CRAZY

Everyone else is clocking out except you. You're working on something for the company while Sieun packs her bag. "Yn, don't overwork yourself." She warns you before leaving. You hum quietly to her, knowing you won't listen to her words.

You look at your watch, and 11:30 PM appears when you click on it. You sighed and went back to work. To stay awake, you begin blinking frequently and rubbing your eyes. A quick nap wouldn't hurt, would it? You rested your head on your desk, dozing off within two minutes.

12:45 AM. The timer on your phone went off. You sluggishly pressed the snooze button and began to straighten your posture. You felt something heavy on your shoulders as you stretched from your nap. The scent of cologne is strong, similar to what you smelled yesterday. You're smelling things now, too? When you saw the black jacket, you grabbed the item from your shoulders. Didn't you just give him that jacket back? What was the meaning of it being draped over your shoulders?

Confused, you noticed a sticky note placed onto your laptop. You took the note in your hand, slowly smiling as you read it.

“Working late again? You should really take care of your health! Also, keep my jacket, it looked nice on you when you walked in today :)

Get home safely~

From the jacket owner!”

He surely knows how to drive someone crazy.

6 - THE MONTH OF LOVE

February, the so-called "Month of Love," has already arrived. There must be Valentine-themed decorations everywhere you go. Colorful hearts and pink and red themed foods begin to arrive. It was the month everyone was looking forward to—at least for the people who had been taken.

When you walk into the office, you notice heart streamers hanging from the ceiling and desks covered in red and pink paper. Everyone was chatting, which you'd assume was about their potential Valentine's date. Sieun appears in the distance, wearing a noticeable heart headband with hearts that can swing from side to side.

"You're certainly wearing a lot of pink today," you observe as you place your bag on your desk. "The company went above and beyond for this."

"I know right? They most likely did this to persuade people to ask each other out."

"Oh, Sieun, be quiet."

“Whatever!”

10:30 PM. People are crowding around the sweets-filled table. For the month of February, your company always provides coffee and other desserts. Perhaps it was their favorite month as well. Sieun is long gone—she went to get some sweets for herself. You looked at the crowd, unsure whether you should go get something. You open your laptop and decide not to satisfy your cravings. Someone eventually calls out your name in less than 5 minutes. You look around and see Heeseung approaching you.

He smiled as he placed a paper cup filled with coffee and a chocolate donut topped with the words "BE MINE?" written in pink frosting.

"I didn't notice you over there. So, I got something.” You stared at the sweets—you felt like exploding on the spot.

"Oh, and is that how you like your coffee?" He appears pleased with the sweets he chose for you, believing they were ideal for your tastes. "I remembered."

"How so…?"

"There was an elevator incident. Remember? My memory is pretty good—well in my opinion.” You nod slowly, looking at the cup, fighting the grin off your lips.

Before he walks away, you quickly call out his name. He's looking at you, waiting for you to say something. "I appreciate the coffee and donuts, as well as remembering my favorites."

"I see that you like chocolate frosted donuts! I'll keep that in mind for the next time." He gives you one last smile before entering the meeting room. You grabbed the coffee, it was still warm. You took a sip from your cup of coffee. It was exactly the same as before.

Heat began to rise up your cheeks and ears. "Don't panic, yn. Don’t. Remain calm." You returned to normal by whispering to yourself. Sieun shouldn't think of you as a blushing mess. Just maybe February was the month you were looking forward to the most.

The first week of February went by quickly. During that week, Heeseung would always leave sticky notes on your desk while showing no signs of making a move—or so you thought. You knew you shouldn't have had such high expectations, but you were disappointed. Maybe Heeseung did all of that because he considered you a friend? You sighed as you walked to the printer.

Sieun is the first to notice your mood shifts over the last week. She's right behind you, requesting that you print a few papers for her. She asks you a few questions as you slowly press the buttons to get the printer to work.

“YN, why are you so down today? Well, I mean for the past week?”

“Was it that noticeable?”

“Oh trust me it was.”

“Oh. Well, then I guess yeah. It’s nothing serious though.” You waited for the printer to print out the pages of your report.

“Do you have a Valentine’s date yet?”

You sighed and shook your head slowly. "I don't believe so. To be honest, I'm not sure." Sieun looks at you strangely, unsure what you meant. She moves quickly over to your side to whisper something.

“Aren’t you and Heeseung a thing?” You considered her words carefully. Were you? Do friends allow each other to wear their clothes, write them sticky notes with heart drawings on them, or even remember their favorite things? Yeah, it’s not uncommon. You've come to the conclusion that you're going to be nothing but friends to Heeseung. And, to be honest, you might be fine with it. Maybe. (You lied! You wouldn’t want to be stuck in the friend zone forever—nobody does).

You shrug and grab the papers from the printer as your response. You walked away from it with your friend. What you didn't realize was that Heeseung had been listening all along. He didn't mean to, he just needed to print some papers. Yes, he did hear a few whispers here and there, but not clearly. But he did catch you saying you didn't have a Valentine's date. For some reason, he is content and feels compelled to change that. This time, his heart is beating faster than ever.

7 - WAIT WHAT?

February 13TH. There is one more day until Valentine's Day. You could just ask him out at this point. You're only afraid of being rejected. The only advantage is that you'll finally figure out the answer. Should you approach him? Or not? You're nervous about approaching someone and saying, "Do you want to be my Valentine's date?" That’s just scary.

You were getting tired of seeing these heart decorations and posters with "Happy Valentines!" written on them. It's as if it's telling you to confess while knowing you'd be too nervous. But that's okay—another Valentine's Day without a partner is fine, right? You still had your friend! You tried to reassure yourself, but you kept feeling bad for no apparent reason. You've started to develop a dislike for February, which is stupid.

You're in the break room, leaning on Sieun's shoulder. You fixate on one spot while she texts her partner on your phone. You were bored; time seemed to drag on forever, yet the days flew by way quicker than you thought. "Why don't you ask him out?" she asks. You sighed deeply and shrugged. "I'm just scared," you say. "Don’t be! It's okay to make the first move every now and then." "That's the thing—it’s difficult to be the one to ask the other person out."

"What is it that makes it so difficult?" She puts her phone down to listen to you speak.

“Heeseung? He's far too attractive. Quite out of my league I must say. If I try to maintain eye contact and speak with him, I'm going to end up a blushing mess. I'd probably puke on the spot."

Sieun laughs at your remark, and just as she's about to say something, someone walks in. When you see Heeseung walk in, you let out a quiet gasp. Oh, how you hoped he didn't hear what you were saying. You noticed him standing there awkwardly, as if he wanted to say something. "May I speak with you, yn?" Your friend pushes you in his direction, wishing you luck. You followed him out of the room, dragging your feet across the floor, unsure what would happen next.

You find yourself in a different room, with just you and him. You wiggle your fingers as you wait for him to say something. You noticed his ears turned red, is it that hot here? You can tell he's nervous because he cleared his throat. But why so?

"Okay, so where do I begin?" He sighs, which makes you nervous. Was he going to turn you down even if you didn't ask him out? "Would you like to be my Valentine's Day date?"

You were dumbfounded. Did you hear that right? Your heart began to pound—you couldn't hear your voice over the sound. You clear your throat as you notice him waiting for your response.

“Are you serious? Like you’re not joking?”

“I’m serious. Do you want to be my Valentine’s?”

Before you let that opportunity go to waste, you quickly nod. When you accept his confession, he smiles and breathes a sigh of relief.

"Wait- so you've always had a crush on me?" You asked him a question, and he nodded in response.

"I’m assuming the donut wasn’t enough? Sorry about that. Thought my signals were clear—I guess not.” He chuckles a bit. “I overheard your conversation with Sieun about not having a date, so I seized the chance to." He maintains eye contact with you.

"I was terrified, just like you. I'm afraid of being rejected. But I heard you mention me in that break room, which took away all my worries." Your stomach started forming butterflies as you watched his big smile form.

“Sorry for keeping you waiting.” Your stomach begins to churn with butterflies, just as it did when you first met him. You thoroughly enjoyed this sensation. You wished this kind of feeling would never leave you, especially around Heeseung.

“Let’s go back to the office together?” You nod, walking next to him.

“So, did you mean what you meant back there? You know, me being attractive.”

“Oh god, please don’t bring that up. I’m embarrassed.”

“Don’t be! And to be honest, you’re way out of my league. Can’t believe I’ll spend Valentine’s Day with someone like you.”

“Is this your way of making me feel good about myself?” You giggled at his words.

“A pretty lady deserves all the compliments, don’t you think?”

You notice your friend giving you a thumbs up as you blush over Heeseung's remarks. You give her one back, indicating that the conversation went well. She rushes up to you and interlocks arms with you. You motion to Heeseung while Sieun drags you away. He chuckles and waves back.

"You're going to have to explain what happened." Sieun rushes over to your desks, eager to hear everything that occurred earlier.

You were a happy mess—even when you got home, you couldn't stop smiling. Finally, you like February and the entire holiday, February 14. Maybe this is your favorite month right now. February 13, the day he asked you to be his date. It has to be fate.

8 - THE SPECIAL DAY.

You got up extra early to prepare. You were only doing it to look good for yourself—and maybe for him as well. You were putting different outfits together, unsure of what to wear. Should you dress comfortably? Perhaps just put on some jeans and call it a day? Or how about a simple dress? You dug deeper into your closet, hoping to find a suitable outfit.

You decided to wear a heart-printed dress to get into the Valentine's Day spirit. You completed the look with a flounce shirt, pearl earrings, red heels, and a white headband. You were certain that everyone would be dressed up, so you didn't have to worry about being the odd one out. Putting on one swipe of lip gloss, you walked out the door. You were way too excited for today.

You were in such a good mood. As you walked by, you smiled and said hello to everyone you saw. You even whistled a love song as you passed through the city. As you waited for the elevator, you hummed your favorite song. Someone tapped you on the shoulder, and you turned to face Heeseung. He was dressed simply in a buttoned-up shirt and black pants. He wore the same glasses that made you smile every time you made eye contact.

The way he walked over with gifts for you in his hand made him look great. You stared at the rose bouquet, the letter peeking out, and the box of chocolates he got you. He hands them to you with care, pleased that you are pleased with what you have received.

“You look great today.” He says this with a visible flush on his face. He couldn't keep his gaze fixed on you for long. You thank him and even compliment him on his appearance today. He was more nervous than you thought, despite his adorable appearance.

You walk into the office together, eliciting teasing and oohs from everyone. You saw Heeseung's friends congregate around him, congratulating him. You approached Sieun and placed the gifts on your desk. She looks at you in awe, admiring how well you put together your outfit.

"You look stunning, YN!!" she exclaims, causing you to smile. "Heeseung is a lucky guy."

“Oh stop it Sieun. You look great too! I’m jealous of your partner~” You make a lighthearted remark. She lightly hits your shoulder before pulling you into a hug.

"I'd be keeping my eyes on you if I were Heeseung."

"To be honest, nobody here could beat him."

"All right, loyal lady—we love to see it." You smiled as she spoke. "Let's go get some more sweets!" Sieun made certain that you were coming along this time.

Heeseung tried to stay with you as much as possible throughout the day. Whenever he needs to go into a meeting room for a quick discussion, he quickly places a sticky note on your laptop. You'd always smile when you saw his doodles or kind words. He would always try to make eye contact with you and would be all giggly when you paid attention to him. How can someone be this perfect? Ask Heeseung that.

It's already 11:00 p.m., and he persuaded you to leave at the same time everyone else did. "If you don't mind, I'll drive you home." You nod and slip your laptop into your tote bag. You grab the gifts he gave you and trail him behind. He opens the car door for you, ensuring your safety. He rushes over to the driver's seat and starts the engine.

You were able to maintain a conversation in the car. Heeseung would ask you random questions, and you'd respond with an answer—you did the same. The advantages of working together for a long time. You were laughing the entire time. He comes to a complete stop because of the red light. The only sound was soft music coming from the radio. You both look at each other, intending to do something.

“May I?” He asked for consent. You said yes, prompting him to give you a quick peck on the lips. When the light turns green, he smiles and resumes driving. It's as if he's finally accomplished a major goal of his. Did he actually just kiss you? So quickly? He's a dream come true. You looked out the car window shyly, surprised at how beautiful the night sky looked with all the tall buildings.

He arrives at your apartment and parks nearby. "We've arrived." He looked disappointed, as if he wished he could have spent more time with you. You asked him one last question before leaving his car.

“What are we?” He responds quickly to your question with a smile.

"My love, let's go on a proper date tomorrow." You flushed as a result of the sudden nickname. “My love?” He sees you cockily raise your brow, laughing at your reaction. "Does that mean yes?"

"Of course," you says. You return your gaze to his. You moved closer to him to kiss his cheek. "Not on the lips?" he says with a big smile.

"Bye, Heeseung." He laughs at your quick reaction. He watched you enter your apartment safely before driving away once you were inside. He couldn't stop smiling, and you couldn't either. He couldn't wait to meet you on a date. He made sure he arrived home safely so he could call you.

So this is love. You finally found the answer you were looking for. The event you'd been waiting for your entire life finally occurred. Younger you would’ve been shouting in joy (I mean, who said you weren’t doing the same thing right now?) You wished that this moment would never end. You wish your relationship with Heeseung was still full of love. It just so happened that it did. What does it feel like to finally have your happily ever after? It’s great isn’t it?

PERM ENHA TAGLIST — 🗯️ : @son4taa @mokiverse @yenavrse @shinsou-rii @luveuly @ilovewonyo @yenqa @dimplewonie @bubblytaetae @wtfhyuck @ineedaherosavemeenow @starcubes @starikizs @wonioml @chirokookie @heartz4hyunjae @xiaoderrrr @neozon3nha @en-chantedtomeetyou @millksea @enhaz1 @taejays @yeniiverse @ahnneyong @hanienie TAGLIST (opened) -- @i4yuns @trsrina @ddenoudepression @ghostiiess @feeeli @bucketofhiros @foxsunoo

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overleftdown · 4 months

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saltburn and privilege; an investigative tangent

god, where to begin.

i've seen a lot of people discussing this moving and specifically using the word "privilege," along with power, dominance, desire, control, greed, etc. me included. these are all very essential aspects of this movie. what i want to focus on is emerald fennell's nuanced portrayal of how different types of privilege interact. which one trumps the other? which types of privilege are more visible, while others are more subtle? what differentiates different levels and layers of privilege?

when emerald fennell describes the core of this movie, her inspiration for this script, she talks about desire versus untouchability. she chose the most absurd type of wealth to represent untouchability: the british aristocracy. old wealth, generational wealth, so far removed from the majority of their ancestors' sins that they can arguably ignore that the money they're standing on is dirty. and they live in fucking castles. this is one of the most unbelievable, gaudy, visible types of privilege you can imagine. everyone is entirely aware and feels entirely justified to call attention to this type of privilege.

oliver, being the main character, might be considered the least privileged within this movie. i'd like to take a critical look at this. this movie is not a straightforward class commentary; there is no traditional "the poor eat the rich" dynamic. because although some people perceive oliver as the least privileged character in this movie, he is incredibly privileged. oliver comes from a comfortable upper-middle-class home in the suburbs. oliver has two loving parents and two sisters. oliver is white. oliver is a man. interestingly, from oliver's perspective, he's not privileged at all. he hates the cattons because they are more wealthy, more comfortable, more untouchable. this extends to venetia and farleigh, even though oliver has applicable layers of privilege stacked above even them. he knows he has a certain type of power over them... yet he still hates them because they have one type of power he doesn't have.

that brings me to my next point. the existence of one type of privilege does not negate the effects of another, entirely different, type of privilege (or marginalization) [quote]. this is what venetia and farleigh's characters draw attention to. venetia experiences some of the same struggles as many women; she is ignored in her own household, perpetually existing within her brother's shadow (rosamund pike once lovingly pointed out that venetia does not have a single conversation with elspeth in this movie). she's insecure about her body and her worth, so she takes what little opportunity she has to use felix's friends as a form of self-fulfillment. farleigh is not only half black, but he's also queer, non-immediate family, and unaccustomed to english culture (specifically this type of english culture). farleigh is, in some ways, more financially unstable than oliver's family because his mom was too sheltered to understand money and his dad is, apparently, "a lunatic." (that's not to say farleigh isn't economically privileged because oh boy, he absolutely is).

this movie doesn't intend to incite pity from the viewers for any of these characters, and it generally doesn't. oliver is pathetically greedy, ungrateful, and desperate for a chance to lick the boots (or bathtubs) of those above him. venetia is pathetically bored of the privilege she does have yet is still so entrenched in emotional turmoil due to other areas in which she is marginalized. farleigh is pathetically attached to uninterrupted comfort and arbitrary white-centric expectations, constantly running from or attacking any threat of struggle. none of these people understand, comparatively, what the less fortunate experience. they are so ignorant to the bubble they exist in and just how grateful they should be for what monumental privileges they do have. but... felix.

felix is the epitome of privilege. oliver is specifically obsessed with felix. just like oliver, felix is a white man. but felix is more wealthy, more comfortable, more untouchable than oliver. oliver isn't as infatuated with farleigh and venetia because he's fully aware of the privilege they lack. he's fully aware of the privilege he holds above them, and he enthusiastically uses this power he has against them. to be in the position of oliver is to be consumed by jealousy and greed so bottomless that you will assert your dominance over any group that you're able to. felix doesn't need to do this. he's been handed every privilege under the sun and therefor welcomes the less fortunate with childlike interest and an equally childlike attention span. there's an aspect of farleigh and venetia's marginalization that is so invisible, so quiet and unassuming, that felix doesn't even notice it. he can't possibly be confronted by it. to be in the position of oliver is to understand what power you hold over others, because there is always more power to have.

racism, sexism, wealth, power, control, desire. there are so many facets of this movie that come into play. it may seem overwhelming, but this is... how things work. commentary on wealth is, and should be, equally a commentary on other areas of privilege. to be black and wealthy means different things than to be white and wealthy. to be a wealthy woman means different things than to be a wealthy man. to be rich to some also means you're much less rich than others, unless you're the richest person in the world. and, as this movie so beautifully portrays, to be richer than most doesn't make you less messy. the catton family is an ugly one, but also a complexly human one. each catton (or start) is jealous of someone else for another reason. each catton is emotionally damaged or incompetent for another reason. each catton has a different layer of privilege over the other. and each catton loves everyone in saltburn, because this is still a family, albeit a terrible one.

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rollinouttahere-writes · 1 year

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Hello! I enjoy your writing of Lucky Break and was wondering if your requests were open. If not Just wanted to stop by and say I enjoy your writing style and to keep it up!

If your requests are open would write something about the Straw hat's having a crew mate who is struggling with depression and (if you are okay with writing about this) suicidal thoughts?

I appreciate your time and effort into writing.

Before I get into this, I just want to remind anyone reading this that if you are struggling with depression and/or suicidal thoughts, you should confide in someone you can trust. Even if you feel like it's not that bad, it never hurts to have someone in your life that’s aware you're struggling with these things. I hope whoever requested this is doing well.

Warnings for discussions of depression and suicidal thoughts. Since this is such a heavy topic, I chose to leave out yandere themes from this.

Straw Hats x GN!Reader

This is a tight-knit crew with more than their fair share of trauma and emotional struggles, so it really won't take long for them to pick up on it. When one of them becomes aware, the others are soon to follow because they’re all quick to talk to each other about it. They’ll ask if anyone else noticed your behavior and discuss how to approach it.

Nami has a pretty high chance of noticing it first. Despite this, she is not the first to act on it. Not because she doesn’t care or anything, she’s extremely concerned, but she can admit she isn’t great with emotional stuff like this and she does NOT want to risk making this worse. She’ll confide in Robin, hoping that her cool and calm demeanor will be better suited to deal with this.

While she lets Robin handle that part of the issue, she does make her own efforts to improve your mood. Namely, retail therapy. Do you wanna go shopping? Well you’re going to anyway! Whatever you want, you’re getting it because she has no idea what else to do. She knows this isn’t enough to make your problems go away, but she hopes it’ll make your day at least a little better.

She also just kinda… lurks around you. Suddenly she goes from wanting complete silence and solitude while drafting sea charts to insisting that you must be with her. She’ll talk to you the whole time and explain the charts in extreme detail, trying to make you feel included. Nami also insists on having you sleep in her bed with her, making up an excuse that she’s been having nightmares. In reality, she’s scared you’re going to get up in the middle of the night and hurt yourself.

Robin, despite Nami’s faith in her, isn’t as equipped to talk with you as she would like to be. She’s prone to dealing with everything by herself, depending on others is very foreign. Her first course of action is to be around you more and make her own observations. She had her suspicions about your mental state, but now that she’s actively looking for the signs, she feels foolish to have not put it together sooner.

Her method for discussing your mental health is indirect. She pushes to have a book club with you and purposely chooses books that cover themes of depression. During your meetings, she really focuses on that aspect of the book, hoping that speaking generally on the topic would be enough to get you to open up on your own. She’s an excellent listener and will make you feel very loved and supported.

Similar to Nami, she also worries about you harming yourself at night. There’s a good chance she’ll wind up cramming herself into Nami’s bed with you too so that you’re in the middle. If you ask her why, she’ll say that she was feeling left out and wanted in on the slumber party you two were having.

Sanji feels more equipped to deal with this. He cares a lot about you, and also is likely to be the first to notice. As soon as he gets suspicious, he is gonna go out of his way to be around you and compliment you more. He’s also going to be making your favorite foods, but he’s going to rope you into making them with him. Partially as a means to keep an eye on you, and also a way to keep your mind occupied. He’ll also use it as a chance to talk to you and pick your brain a bit, but he won’t push it if you start to look uncomfortable.

If you do decide to open up, he will drop everything to listen. You could wake him up in the middle of the night and he’d spring out of bed to make some tea and a snack for your talk. He’s extremely understanding and talks through every issue in depth to try and get everything off your chest. He’s distraught to hear about your suicidal thoughts, but sadly does get it. He makes you promise to come talk to him any time you want, and will get up to check on you several times a night if you aren’t in the same room as him.

He’s responsible for clueing in the other guys to your troubles. As much as he hates to air out your dirty laundry, the possibility that you could hurt yourself makes him realize that you need as many eyes on you as possible right now.

Zoro needed to be told the most. He just thought you were in a shitty mood, and may have made an insensitive comment on it accidentally. Sanji damn near caves his skull in when he hears this and drags him off somewhere to yell at him and explain what’s going on. Zoro genuinely feels bad and will apologize to you afterwards, and not because Sanji threatened him.

He doesn’t let you know that he’s aware of what’s going on, not having a single ounce of faith in himself to be able to talk about this stuff. You do notice that he tends to be around you more. Suddenly he becomes insistent on you training with him. Nothing too intense, just enough to get your blood pumping in hopes that the exercise will help your mood even a little. On top of that, you’re now his napping buddy, and there is no getting out of it. If he lays down on the deck to nap, he’ll grab you as you’re walking by to join him. If you try to slip away to sleep by yourself, he shows up and squeezes himself into your bed.

Usopp was already onto you, Sanji just confirmed it. He has experience dealing with these kinds of things from his time with Kaya, so helping you comes naturally to him. Like with Kaya, he’s constantly telling you the most absurd, comical stories he can come up with. He’s also encouraging you to do the same. Come on, you never know when you’re going to need to bullshit your way out of a situation! You should practice with the master now while you can! He tries to get you to hype yourself up in these tall tales too, hoping to trick you into a sort of fake it til you make it mentality.

He’ll also drag you into pulling pranks on your crewmates because laughter is the best medicine! Be warned though, he is going to hide behind you if y’all get caught because he knows that no one is going to get seriously upset with you right now. Even if you don’t understand it, he’ll try and show you how to make nifty little contraptions with him. Even if they don’t work, he’ll make light of it and work hard with you to make it functional so you can have something to be proud of.

Chopper kinda beats himself up about not piecing it together. He isn’t that kind of doctor and really hasn’t researched mental illnesses that much, and now he’s kicking himself for it. Chopper is, unlike the others so far, not subtle about why he’s suddenly all up in your business. He’ll ask point blank what’s bothering you and implore you to tell him everything so he can help. Just because he wasn’t super familiar with this before doesn’t mean he can’t figure it out. He spends all his free time reading up on depression so he can best treat it.

He wants to go somewhere with cherry blossoms, surely that will help you! He’ll show you pictures in the meantime, though. You struggling with suicidal thoughts stresses him the hell out, he’s constantly afraid that you’re going to hurt or sacrifice yourself. This leads to him following you around in any dangerous situations, just to make sure he’s there to stop you from making a bad decision. You can expect him to be sleeping in your bed for the foreseeable future.

Luffy didn’t need Sanji to tell him that you were struggling, but he did need a push to say something to you first. Luffy is far more observant than anyone gives him credit for and is very emotionally intelligent. He knew you needed help, but he just kinda assumed you would ask for that help on your own because that’s what he would do. The idea that you were planning to just suffer in silence is baffling to him. They’re all your friends, why wouldn’t you say something?

Like Chopper, he’s blunt and doesn’t beat around the bush. He wants to know what’s wrong because the sooner he knows, the sooner he can fix it! He’s convinced he can take care of whatever is bothering you, so when he hears you out and realizes your problems aren’t exactly punchable, he’s stumped. His next move is to ask everyone else what to do. This isn’t something he knows how to deal with but he wants to change that.

His form of help is an amalgamation of what everyone else does with his own twists on it. He’ll take you out for walks to explore whatever island you’re on this time, making you look at all kinds of new things and places. Admittedly, talking things out isn’t a talent of his, but he tries to listen and give his unique brand of advice. You think people don’t like you? That’s stupid. They all like you, and anyone who doesn’t like you doesn’t matter. Something is bothering you? Punch it! You can’t punch it? Punch something else and pretend you’re punching it! His response to like 95% of your problems is along the lines of ‘just don’t worry about it’.

The suicidal thoughts really throw him for a loop. He doesn’t know what to do besides just be extra clingy because this definitely sets off his abandonment issues something fierce to think that one day you might just not be there anymore because of yourself. You and Luffy are basically one entity now, good luck getting him to stop before he’s convinced you’re doing better. Anywhere you go, he goes too. The bathroom is not an exception. He’s like a dog with separation anxiety sitting outside the door and whining until you come out (he will panic and break down the door if you take too long or it sounds like you got hurt in there). Your bed is also his bed now. He doesn’t even ask if he can sleep there, you just wake up to him making himself comfortable in it, and then he never leaves. You can expect to wake up every morning to Luffy wrapped around you like a second blanket, holding onto you for dear life.

Overall, they worry a lot about you and will go out of their ways to make sure you’re okay. There’s going to be (at least) weekly sleepovers where everyone piles into one room to have a fun night hanging out together. They’ll make sure you know you have a loving found family with them.

#one piece #one piece x reader #one piece x y/n #one piece x you #monkey d luffy #zoro roronoa #sanji #black leg sanji #nami #cat burglar nami #nico robin #tony tony chopper #usopp

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shini--chan · 6 months

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Yandere Charater Sheet II

I've recently been binge reading Game of Thrones fanfics and I think it shows a bit in the wording I chose here. Aside from that, this is a post relating to the ask requesting character sheets for America, China and Japan.

1p China - Yao Wang

Trigger warning: Mentions of brain washing, grooming, financal abuse, social isolation, kidnapping, coercion and verbal/emotional abuse

Blend in - Are the red flags obvious? Are they even aware that their behaviour is wrong? Do they even care?

Yao is old and has a lot of experience in how humans act and react, and hid the darker parts of themselves. Thus, it is significantly more difficult to pick out the red flags. To top it off, he tends to dazzle you with his more repleasent and virtuous qualities. He is a complex person and his history has ensured that it couldn’t have come any other way. Though, he does slip up, both in his unhealthy tendencies and in the fact that he is more than human. So, this list will discuss hints of both:

He can be extremely patronising. As mentioned before, he is old and experienced and therefore considers himself to be infinitely wise. Having seen and done and knowing much more than you, he sometimes can’t help but see you as a child and subsequently treat you like one. You might complain about it, and he will always find smooth words to soothe your wounds, that that wouldn’t change that he regards you as more foolish, less wise and less adaptable them him.

He is restrictive of the people you talk to and the media you consume. Yao is of the opinion that art imitates life just as much as life imitates art. As such, he doesn’t want to have you weakened, or poisoned by other people dripping falsehoods in your ears. Like some others, he has many enemies out in the world. And this is a changed world, where you don’t go after your enemies with a bow or a sword, where even those that lie beyond the sea are dangerous to you, so he will be all the more cautious. He doesn’t want you to become a weapon wielded against him. That being said, he will be honest about his intentions and oh so patronising.

He expects excellence from you, and is harsh when you make mistakes. At times, it will feel more like Yao is your parent or teacher, rather than your “romantic partner”. Perhaps that is the case, and the nature of your relationship, perhaps it isn’t. Eitherway, he expects you to strive for greatness, to excel at what you do, to be monumental. And he doesn’t see the point in coddling you when you make mistakes. Of course, it has to be said that he isn’t a slave driver and believes in a balanced and harmonious life. Though, according to him, if you have to rest, rest on the fruits of your success. If it is the case that he locks you away from the world, or hides you out in the countryside, then the area he expects you to excel in is that of a loving spouse and a proper partner. So, behave and don’t fight him too much.

He won’t exactly be loyal to you. China fully buys into the idea that a relationship should be a healthy balance of give and take. In the context of your relationship, that only means that he gives loyalty and security and everything else if you play your part. Else, he is wont to let his mind and heart wander. At the end of the day, he will always return to the home and the hearth you share together, he is not above seeking comfort in the arms of another woman, or man.

He can be very distrusting and strict at times, unyieldingly so at times. With everything that he has seen, he is one that believes that actions speak louder than words. So if you break his rules, or don’t abide by your promises, then he will hold that against you and don’t buy into whatever excuses or justifications that you present. There will be exceptions, but you will have to present very good arguments. Else, it is side eyes and cold shoulders until he decides to let you back in his good graces. He doesn’t appreciate being made a fool of, so don’t even try to repeat offences - you won’t like the consequences.

Compatriot - Who aids them? Who condemns them? Are there ways you can convince their friends/colleges/underlings to help you?

When it comes to China, there is a complex web of people that lie strewn out across the spectrum, with only a few people on any of the two extremes: i.e. he doesn’t have any mortal enemies but he doesn’t have a lot of unconditionally loyal friends either. He wouldn’t have it any other way either. This just means you’ll have to never be careful when it comes to sifting through the people that could help and those that could harm you. You could very easily tie yourself to knots trying to win over the people that Yao converses with.

There are those that are on one end of the spectrum, that unquestioningly give their life to him. These are also most likely the ones that helped Yao wrap you around his little finger - that spoke highly of him when you asked, that notified him about your whereabouts and your deals, that helped you settle in, when he took you for himself. At best, you could trick these people into helping you. Or you have to nurture them so that they end up being more loyal to you, than to Yao.

There are those who deal with China because it is in their best interest, yet may help you when they feel like it, or if they want leverage. On the flip side, he also has enemies that hate him, but would be willing to return you to him, or rat on you. It could be to cause trouble in paradise, or because they are trying to curry favour with Yao. Maybe they need something from him, or perhaps they just don’t want to give him a reason to unleash hell on them. With both of these types, you’ll have to present your case well, and in a way where they either have nothing to lose, a lot to gain, or both from aiding you.

And then there are his mortal enemies. Some may be willing to help you, but even fewer of their number will be willing to help you for free. A handful might be appeased by seeing Yao suffer due to your absence, but most would want something more, and that more can constitute various things. It could be information or material goods that you have to give, it could be that they want you to move against him. However, some may decide that you are vile and guilty by proxy and decide to harm you because Yao adores you. A few might even go so far as to torture and even kill you when you come to them for help, just so that they can spite Yao.

Dominion - What actions are especially pleasing to them?

A harmonious life - coming Yao to a well done meal, a relaxing evening and a pliant bed partner. And of course more: Somebody who he can confide in and trust. Somebody who, well not as wise and knowledgeable as him, can still understand him, be it on personal dealings and emotions to the intricacies of the world. He would be even more delighted if you can surprise him with something he doesn’t know yet, maybe even teach him a craft unfamiliar but that you shine in.

Make him proud, champion in something. That will probably be what gets him to notice you in the first place. Refuse to lead an ordinary life, but don’t burn yourself out. What will stun him and transfix him the most, will be if you manage the herculean task of balancing a meaningful life with a fulfilling one. If you need help, he will be happy to help; if you are almost there or have the potential, he will be happy to shine a light on the right path and guide you. But he doesn’t want to stand there at the end, with you shattered and only him to pick up the pieces.

Flight - What do you have to do in order to escape them?

This can be a task that is both easier and harder than you think. There is the matter that while he is very attached to you, to an unhealthy degree even, you being his doesn’t require you to be by his side all the time. So if you escape he might let you be for a few months or even years, as long as you remain in the country and don’t actively work against him. He might let you live on your own in a fashion, if he knows that he shaped you into the person you are, and thus, that you never will truly be free of him, no matter if he is physically there or not. Are you not his, if you follow his teachings, if you use his framework for understanding the work, if the very idea of resistance you hold is the one he taught you? In ways, if you are his creation, then he sees you as his, and then you can very truly be free of him. Though more to that latter; now we discuss how you physically get away from him.

It is best to do so while you are travelling. If you both are on a train, excuse yourself for a moment, take a handbag with you at most, and go to the other end and get off at the next stop. Of course, he will likely catch on to what you did soon enough, but you’ll have a head start, and therefore have more of a chance to shake him off. You’ll have even a better chance to do this while in a foreign country or the likes. In the same vein - get on the “wrong” plan by mistake or organise it so that you take different rides and then slip away. If he catches you during this initial stage, then you can always feign ignorance and say you made a mistake.

Though going further, you’ll have to do more drastic things - throw your phone and laptop away, cut your hair and dye it maybe, and change the way you walk and dress. Use a different soap or perfume to change your scent. Hang out in those places where he will accept you the least, because he won’t associate you with them, or will not think you would dare to hide in plain sight. If you are very good, then you can hide right under his nose.

Further, no matter how much he will give you the impression (or try) that he is all-powerful and all-knowing, he really isn’t. There are things that he doesn’t know of, or how to do, and boundaries that he can’t overstep. There are people that can shelter you from him, people that he can’t move against without it costing him dearly. While he might charm them into handing you over, or nick you from under their noses, it will at least give you some Yao-free time.

Hospitality - What is your life like with them? How much does it deviate from your former life?

Like an ignorant brat. Like a dainty and lovable wife. That is, if you don’t behave like a racoon that is about to scratch his eyes out - in that case, he will be happy to dole out corporal punishments. It would be the old fashioned punishments that a teacher would sentence you to - like kneeling on uncooked grains or standing with a book over your end. A favourite of his in modern times would be sport exercises or he might even take you to a mountain side or a sea cove and play a game of catch and release, if he decides you are being particularly insolent. Though, above all, he wants punishments to be a learning experience. Though more on that another time.

The determining factor here is if you are another personification, a spirit or just a mortal. If you are a mortal, then you can accept a stern but considerate spouse that has a lot of secrets that he won’t share with you and also find yourself living a more eventful life than you else would have. He’ll hold you to a high standard that he’ll expect you to live up to, and in turn offer you a luxurious life. If you would be in the know, and still be mortal, then he would confide you in more. But it would draw up a barrier between you and the rest of the world; in ways, you would stand in the twilight, not here nor fully there. If he would take an especially strong liking to you, then he might search or even create some arcane ritual that would extend your life by binding it to his.

If you are a fellow personification, then it could just as well make everything more complicated. You will have your own people that will be yours to take care of, and stand in the way of you being fully his. Likewise, without them and the life and identity they breathe into you, you wouldn’t exist. Perhaps he would cherish you for who you are and allow you sovereignty as long as you remain faithful to him as an individual (but it would be very difficult to maintain such a dynamic, especially if your peoples and governments are close to each other for whatever reason). Or he could seek to impress himself and his ways upon you, and subjugate and lord over.. Or do worse.

He wants to use his time with you to shape you, to the point where you will always be his. Yao wants to change your world view, mould your habits, burn out your sins and eradicate your old life to the point where you can never return to what once was. You'll be his creation. As such, Yao will orchestrate a lot of moral lessons and little mind games. Of course, he knows that people that apt at listening if they want, but he also has come to understand that there is a difference between knowing and learning.

Order - What are the rules you have to adhere to?

There are a few and it is here that there are some parallels with Japan:

Don’t embarrass me in public with wretched behaviour. If something that I do disturbs you, then tell it to me in whispers or behind closed doors. A reputation goes a bit further than life in and on itself, so he’ll be very irate should you try to besmirch it. No rewards you think that would result from trying to humiliate him would be worth the punishment that would follow. That being said, he is a good deal more lax than his Japanese counterpart on this matter. There are honest mistakes and being too formal and controlled would just make it look like he has a stick up his arse and he doesn’t want that either. There is the matter of striking a good balance between playfulness and strictness. Present an united front in public, with an organic personality and easy smiles, and he will be happy.

Have some self-respect and take care of yourself on your own. I’m not your father so don’t make me act like it. Despite how patronising he can be, he doesn’t want to feel like a glorified babysitter. He wants a well functioning adult as a partner and won’t tolerate you acting like a child. If you aren’t … fully developed in some aspects then he’ll show understanding and help you grow. But if you refuse to grow up, then he is not above thoroughly shaming and humiliating you. If you fail to take responsibility over your own life, then he’ll use it as a justification to become more controlling and “relieve” you of certain duties, such as control over your own finances.

Don’t make me unnecessarily repeat myself. There is the repetition that leads to learning and that belongs to the Confusian teaching principals. Then there is the repeating of requests and questions that happen when dealing with an insolent brat or a foolish subordinate. Yao doesn’t want you to behave like either. When he asks you something, he doesn’t want to ask you a second time and he considers you intelligent enough to only have to be told to do something once. You wouldn’t want to disappoint him, do you?

Do not keep secrets from me and if you must tell me something urgently, then don’t hesitate to be direct. You are to spouses, partners that are two halves of the same soul, so why should you keep secrets from him. Over the centuries, he has suffered enough court intrigue and politicking to not want any of it in his home, despite how thrilling it can be. Yao wants somebody at his side that he can trust and respect and he can not respect a person who hesitates and stumbles over their words when it is time to be honest and open. Poor communication kills after all.

Rehabilitation - How much will they change you? Will they break you? How much therapy would you need in the event that you get rid of them?

No matter how you would twist it, it would either take years or it won’t be possible at all. As said before, Yao would strive to turn you into a masterpiece of his own design; why would he allow the possibility for all his hard work to be undone.

Some things would be rooted so deep in your personality that you wouldn’t be able to discover them in your depths and even then, where could you possibly start to unwind this Gordian knot? You would need a fundamentally life-changing event, a religious experience or something similarly earth-shattering to act as the sword that would cut through the ropes. And the severity of the change would depend on your behaviour while at his tender mercies. In that fashion, he is very much like quicksand - the more you struggle, the more likely you are to be engulfed.

If you would have proved extremely troublesome, he would resort to brain washing, and there is probably no going back from that, seeing how strongly you would resist treatment. Perhaps if you could be introduced to a cult deprogrammer, then you would have a bit of a chance.

Zeal - Do they fall fast or slow? What is their reaction to their own feelings?

Yao wouldn’t fall in love at first sight. Maybe he would hear about you beforehand and become intrigued. If given the chance, he would appproach you then, engage in small chitchat and the such. If you aren’t that familiar with Chinese culture, his questions could come off as invasive. Should he note your discomfort, he would offer some soothing words and express interst in you as a person. His feelings would develop slowly, and in the pace he would get to know you closer. And he would be calm about his emotions, if a tad surprised. He would wait before earnestly acting on them, because he wouldn’t want to invest to much time and passion into a mere fling.

Once he is sure that you are the one, he’ll pull some strings to accerlate the development of your relationship. Some of his actions wouldn’t be completely legal, mind you.

Art is not mine!

#yandere hetalia #x reader #yandere x reader #yandere china #yandere character sheet

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everythingmp3 · 18 days

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𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞

𝐓𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐩𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐨𝐬 𝐱 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

after having given into the pull you feel towards each other, both you and Tess are left to deal with all the intense emotions of possibly falling in love: the thrill, the joy, the courage it takes to fully open your hearts up. you spend a few days growing even closer, figuring out how to let go of all fear and embrace the bliss of having each other.

author’s note: (part 2 of this fic!). I’d definitely go read at least the description of part one before reading this one!originally I wasn’t gonna make it multiple parts but some really sweet feedback made me go back and this is basically an exploration of the early stage of falling in love, it delves much deeper into both of their feelings but there’s also some humor and lightness in there, Joel has a few appearances, it’s pretty long so there’s a lot in there. also again I never played the game, this is about Anna’s Tess! enjoy <3

warnings: minors dni. smut (reader receiving, oral), some discussions of heavier personal issues but nothing dark

wordcount: 13.7k

the next morning Tess woke up the same exact way she´d woken up all the mornings before in Jackson: right around 7:30, the sun casting the same shadows onto her floor, laying on the same side of the bed, but she felt completely different. usually she felt nothing that early in the day, but that morning as she came to her senses, the images of what had happened the night before, of you, immediately flooded her mind and left her in a state of blissful half-consciousness, a daydream that made her stay in bed a little longer.

at the same time Tess also felt a quiet sense of dread, knowing that she would have to be subtle about her feelings for you whenever others were around, and she was self aware enough to know that she was anything but subtle; once she let herself grow attached to someone, it went from indifference to obsession in no time, she was not one for “taking it slow”, she´d never been, but thankfully she had a feeling you weren´t either.

still, it had been a while since anyone had gotten through to her the way you had, since she´d let anyone close at all, so all of a sudden she remembered just how intense she was when she truly cared. part of it was a deep need to protect you, to make sure you felt safe because of her presence, even when she was not in the room with you, her standards for what she should be for those she loved were high, even more so with you than with anyone before and Tess realized very quickly how incapable she was of being casual about what happened, how unthinkable it was to just see where it would go without already feeling devoted to you.

when she thought back to how you had looked at her the night before, how you´d put your heart in her hands, trusting she´d know what to do with it, it almost made her lose her mind with the desire to go out there and find you and have you in her arms again, to feel your body relax into hers again, to give you the relief you so clearly needed and for some miraculous reason found in her presence. but of course it wasn´t all that noble, deep down there was also a simple visceral aspect to it, the vision of your body under hers was burned into her mind and no amount of self control could conceal the truth: that she wanted to get her hands on you again, desperately.

sitting at the edge of her bed that morning, it all came crashing over her, so after about ten minutes of staring into space she told herself to get a grip, got up, and splashed some cold water on her face before joining Joel for breakfast downstairs.

as she walked into the kitchen she could see Joel pouring two cups of coffee and she was glad he had his back turned, so she could brace herself for a second before talking. Tess sat down at the table and Joel wordlessly put the cup down before taking his place opposite her, leaning back and taking a sip as he regarded her with a knowing grin, “so... sleep well? any sweet dreams?” his voice lowered for emphasis on those last two words, she shot him a slightly stern look, “absolutely none I´d share with you” he knew she was one for overthinking so he was trying to get her to relax a little, make the mood lighthearted, “right, fair enough. but you do look.. I don´t know you usually look more tired at this hour, you have a certain glow”, she took a sip and watched him gesture at her, her eyes narrowed, “a glow? are you trying to be a poet, Miller?”, he kept looking at her, amused, “no I just mean-”, she finished his thought, “you mean the “this person finally got laid” glow? that one?”, not expecting that he laughed, “hey you said it not me” throwing his hands up theatrically.

she shook her head, finally cracking a smile too, “yeah I really don´t know what the fuck is happening to me Joel” she admitted, drumming her hands on the table, spaced out for a moment, he leaned forward to talk more seriously then, “well. it´s simple isn´t it”, she knew what he meant, “you like her”, she didn´t look at him but made a “hmm” sound of agreement, fidgeting with her hair.

Joel was almost endeared by seeing his jaded friend so uncharacteristically out of it, nothing made her nervous back in the QZ, ever, not gunfire, not a group of men that are were a few heads taller than her, not even while getting beaten up did she ever seem afraid, he could count on one hand the amount of times he´d seen her lose her cool, so watching her hard facade crumble because of a girl, it made him discover a side of her he hadn´t seen in all the years they´d known each other, and it was moving to him in a way, that of all things love would be the thing to force her to her knees, to render her defenseless.

“I think I should keep it to myself right? I mean we should be discreet about it?” he considered it, “I mean. I will say I have seen much stranger couples around town, truly some odd fuckin´pairs that make you two look boring as hell, but I won´t lie, it would probably take a little time for people to.. you know get it. what you two have”. she understood, that was what she´d thought, “yeah I think it might be smart to keep it private. even though I´d fucking hate for her to feel like I´m ashamed or something, that´s the last thing I am. I mean fuck, if anything I´d wanna brag”, he crossed his arms, shifting his posture, “can´t blame you, I think you could get some really priceless reactions out of the younger guys who tried their luck with her, when they realize that their biggest competition was some strange out of town woman”. Tess laughed then, feeling some tension leave her body, enjoying that age old feeling of not having to censor herself at all around him, “yeah. that would be pretty fucking entertaining.”. he downed the rest of his coffee and said one last thing on the issue, “whatever you decide in the end, just know, if anyone ever does give you two trouble, I´ll take care of it, alright? they won´t do it twice.” since they´d been in Jackson, Joel had turned into a more gentle, polite version of himself to blend in, that morning was the first time his old self came back to the surface, the first genuine threat of violence Tess had heard from him since they´d arrived, and it felt good, to know that he was still always on her side, always ready to jump to her defense, even when she was being reckless and getting into something that he easily could have judged her for.

“so, we´re starting on the attic today right?” Tess said as she got up and put away the cups, “yes, I think it needs a paint job, the windows are a little fucked, and some floorboards are loose, but other than that it should be pretty nice in no time”, since they´d arrived in Jackson a few weeks earlier they´d been planning on how to fix up their house, both of them eager to prove that they were capable of proper physical labor. “but it´s still early, there´s not rush, if you wanna.. you know get some air, walk around before being stuck up there” it was probably a good idea for her to clear her head, so she got her jacket and stepped out.

it was a foggy morning, she couldn´t even see all the way down the street as she slowly made her way towards the center of town. of course she knew there was a chance of running into you but she still felt a rush of adrenaline when she reached the outside of the dining hall and saw you sitting there on a bench by yourself, you didn´t see her as she came closer, so for a moment she just stood there, looking at you, reminding herself that the urge to embrace or kiss you would have to wait til later, telling herself to keep her instincts in check before briefly resting her hand on your shoulder to make you turn around. the moment you looked at her and smiled, Tess remembered just how little it took for you make her feel warm, even in the icy morning air, and you saw it, how glad she was to see you, for a moment it felt like an extended dream, like something you´d imagined, but it was real, her touch brief but the impact lingering on after.

“hey!” you said, your tone different than if anyone else had stood there, excitement in there that was not typical for you, shifting the way you were sitting to make space for her, “come, please, sit” she nodded, “so, how are you?” she asked, sitting down next to you, “better than ever actually, for some reason” you said, an ironic inflection, seeing the satisfied look on her face as she answered, “yeah, me too”, the town was still waking up and hardly anyone was around, so you allowed yourself to reach for her hand, her grip on you strong and reassuring, the warmth of her palm reminding you of where else on your body it had rested the night before a slight flush on your face as you practically beamed at each other in silence, a shared moment of knowing exactly what the other person was thinking, no words were needed to know that it included things like i wish i could kiss you right now, i thought about you before falling asleep and after waking up, i am a little nervous, i have no idea when i last felt like this, if i ever did, it was all there in the air between you, locking eyes was enough to communicate it.

once the moment passed you let go of her hand and leaned back, speaking first, “so, tell me, what are your plans today?”, while moving your leg so it would touch hers, two people sitting like that was not suspicious, it made you creative, the limitation of physical affection you could allow yourself in public, and admittedly part of it was hot, she grinned, feeling what you were doing “well, our house needs a little fixing up still, so I think we´ll be busy with that. and you?”, she kept her hands to herself but she was dying to reach out and caress your cheek, the way you were looking at her was killing her, all soft and open.“well” you gestured behind you “I´ll be in the kitchen all day. I´m on cooking duty”, “really? wow, didn´t figure you for a chef” she hadn´t pictured that as one of your jobs, “should I be offended by you sounding so surprised that I can cook?”, she laughed, “oh come on, you know what I mean, it´s hard to imagine the very limited resources in the QZ inspiring someone to learn how to cook”, she was right of course, after the outbreak the philosophy surrounding food was mostly be thankful for what you have, parents hardly bothered teaching kids elaborate culinary skills anymore, meals were a matter of survival, nothing more. “yeah I know, but I had my reasons to try my hand” she looked at you in a way that said “keep going”, “well, after my parents died and I started living with my friend her family I felt kind of self conscious about being there at times, so I guess becoming the family chef made me feel like I was useful” you smiled then, remembering something about that time, but she was hung up on the word useful, a little struck by a teenager thinking they could be considered useless by those taking care of them, it made her suspect your life with your parents hadn´t been all that easy either, it stung a bit, but she didn´t let it show.

“so you´re telling me you were what, 15, 16, using your free time to cook for your household? you really are some kind of angel huh. I was a fucking nightmare at that age”, remembering how people had considered you tough and intimidating was becoming increasingly absurd to her, but you shook your head, “oh don´t be too quick with that assessment, I also got in trouble quite a bit” that intrigued Tess, she leaned closer, her voice lower, that tone that always went straight to your core, “oh really? how so?”, you stared at her, enjoying the genuine interest, “school was tough, I often got detention, always ended up fighting with teachers. I guess I had an authority problem” you mused, leaned your head on your arm then, looking up at her, making it even harder for her to just sit there and not touch you the way she actually wanted.

that last part was funny to her, that you were clearly not a fan of strict rules or being told what to do, including what you´d told her about Jackson being too regulated for you, but then with her you seemed to want exactly that: being taken care of, being told what to do, and she loved the idea of being an exception, that her kind of power was the kind you wanted to submit to, not push back against, it almost humbled her in a sense.“yeah I can picture that, you being too clever for them and getting on their last nerve” a pause then, “but they never seriously hurt you, did they? because I heard some awful stories about the schools in my QZ” a sudden flicker of something dark in her eyes, it was hot to you, but you reassured her, “I mean nothing crazy no. but if they did, what then? would you go out there and find them?” you joked but she didn´t smile, “maybe” you nudged her, “that´s very sweet of you, really”, but you weren´t just amused, it was an unfamiliar feeling, to have someone be that invested in your safety, even considering things that had happened long ago. she loosened up again, still, her sense of protectiveness extended even to your past self, perhaps because she felt a little guilty, that she´d grown up normally and you had to go through a lot as a kid, but in some way it also made her respect you, that you clearly possessed the strength that was required to grow up into a person as beautiful as you were, during the end of the fucking world. she was convinced you were the better person out of the two of you, there was no doubt about it to her, Tess was prideful at times but you made her feel a sense of humility that she liked.

Tess could tell from the look in your eyes that you were were waiting for her to say something, anything, there was something pleading about it and for the second time she felt the urge to touch your face, only stopping her hand mid-air, which didn´t pass you by, you stared at her, still waiting for her to speak, she cleared her throat, “I know I put up a good front but just know it´s kind of killing me right now to sit here like we´re just friends”, you cocked your head, “we aren´t friends?” slightly teasing, she narrowed her eyes, “no. that´s not what I would call it”, a subtle grin on her face, you nodded, “if it makes you feel better I have been trying my best not to lean my head against your shoulder for the past few minutes, so...”, “don´t say that, jesus” she whispered, the image too endearing to her to be unaffected by it, you kept looking at her, not expecting the idea of a simple tender gesture like that to get to her, “yeah I should go I think this isn´t gonna end well if I stay any longer”, she sounded serious about it, and it did thrill you a little, for her to imply that you were irresistible to her. “okay. but um-” she looked at you expectantly, “yeah, what is it?” a sweetness to her tone that she never used with other people, “if you happen to take a break later, feel free to stop by in the kitchen, there´s a backdoor” you pointed to the wall at the back of the building “it´s open, I´ll be right down the hall” she nodded, charmed by your clear desire to see her again as soon as possible, which matched hers, “okay, I´ll see what I can do” briefly touching your hand before getting up, deepening the ache of not being able to hold onto her, looking back down to where you were sitting for a moment, not wanting to leave you yet, watching you bask in the light of her attention, shifting your posture to face her. for second she thought out loud, “god. you´re so pretty..” barely audible but you did hear it, “what was that?” you teased, clearly you had heard it, she shook her head, “okay I am leaving now, you take care sweetheart”.

the next few hours passed quickly, you washed the produce, you sharpened knives, you let some things that would take longer simmer on low heat while chopping others, you were lost in the motions and didn´t register time passing. there was something that you had kept from Tess, which was that the reason you were known around town as someone who worked hard, who was eager to help out with any job at any time, had very little to do with the goodness of your heart.

it was a welcome side effect that people perceived you as diligent and reliable but the reason you took on as much work as you did was simple: it was the only reliable coping skill you had. in other environments your depressive moods and darker states of mind would have driven you to different methods of numbing yourself, but there was no secret drug scene in Jackson, the one available substance was alcohol and you were not one to drink on your own, there was no tv or other mindless entertainment to turn to, not even healthier ways of clearing your head like taking hour long walks, so the one thing you go sucked into was working yourself to a point of exhaustion, to a point where no thoughts could form anymore. the years in Jackson had been marked by various periods of deep despair, loneliness, and hopelessness, so to escape time, to escape your mind, you got into the habit of doing whatever you could to be occupied as much as possible: chopping wood for fireplaces, cleaning out the stables, sweeping the streets, helping people around their homes and in their gardens, cooking, anything, oftentimes doing so much in one day and forgetting food and drinking to a point of almost passing out on your doorstep multiple times at night.

people didn´t notice, you were good at stoically handling the pain, but it had worn you down, and even meeting Tess, being so flooded with joy, it didn´t magically kill the instinct to overextend yourself. usually people worked in shifts in the kitchen but you always told them you liked handling both lunch and dinner and to do it on your own, they bought the lie that it was relaxing to you, and some parts of it were, but you knew you´d have to stop overdoing it or eventually something ugly would happen. still, meeting Tess in the morning had left you in a better state of mind than any of the days before, that morning and early afternoon you were constantly zoned out thinking back to all the things she´d said, all the glances she´d given you, the details filling your body with a constant buzz, a lovestruck expression on your face that nobody was around to witness.

around 2 pm Tess suggested to Joel that they should take a break and told him she´d be back in half an hour. the noises of the kitchen concealed any noise you could have picked up on as Tess walked down the hall that you´d mentioned earlier, so she saw you before you saw her as she stopped in the door frame for a moment, just watching you chop something faster and more skillfully than she ever could; other people got butterflies when they saw their lover with kids, Tess suddenly felt it as she saw you handling a potential weapon with such ease.

she knocked to announce herself and you turned and waved her over, “oh thank god, you came!”, the enthusiasm was endearing to her, she slowly walked over to where you were standing, leaning back against a counter next to you, that painfully attractive she always had, “that´s a nice thing to hear walking into a room”, she smiled at you, taking in the sight of your face all flushed from the humid heat of the kitchen, your hair a little messed up, her knuckles straining with the suppressed need to pull you close. your gaze fell to a few streaks of white paint on her jeans that hadn´t been there earlier, you pointed at them, “so, how is that going, hm?” eyeing her, tilting your head, “not too bad, I have a lovely constant background noise of an old man complaining about his knees” she joked dryly, you laughed, “okay I see. well, I wouldn´t complain if I was in his place, getting to watch you do all that” your voice a little sultry then, she liked that you kept flirting with her even though you already clearly had her, “is that so?”, you nodded, “but I wouldn´t be much help I´m afraid, I don´t know shit about renovating”, “oh that´s fine, you could just sit there and look pretty for me”, she said, purposely drawing the words out in a low suggestive tone, watching your expression change, staring into your soul, enjoying the feeling of seeing your expression change.

you were less timid than her, more willing to take a risk in that moment, so you dropped your knife and stepped over to where she was standing, your hands finding the sides of her neck, sending a shiver down her spine from the unexpected touch, before leaning in and kissing her the way you´d wanted to that morning, feeling her grab your face hard as she leaned into it with quite some force, both of you clearly having missed the other one even though you´d seen each other mere hours before, there was an immediate neediness to the kiss, you were making up for what you couldn´t do before kissing each other over and over, your lips turning a darker shades of red, swelling a little, her fingers in your hair, getting soft sighs out of you that drove her to deepen the kiss, just for a moment, just to hear something a little closer to a moan, she was being reckless and she knew it, but she couldn´t stop herself, and you were too wrapped up in it to deny her, chest to chest with her but still pressing yourself against her harder, until you both needed air and separated, throwing a glance to the door to make sure nobody was there, but you were alone still.

you stepped back, straightening out your clothes and smiling with your gaze cast to the floor, hers on your side profile as she wiped her mouth, trying to breathe and get her heartbeat to a normal state again, “I think I should abandon all this, so I can go back to your place with you, right?” she laughed, “absolutely yes.”, wishing it wasn´t just a joke. “oh by the way” you continued, more earnest then, still a little dizzy from the kiss, “I didn´t mention this earlier but if there´s anything you like to eat, tell me, and I´ll do it next time”, she nodded, “okay that´s sweet of you, I´ll think of something, but how about you don´t prepare it for everyone in town, do it for me at home instead” you grinned, realizing that she didn´t like the idea of everyone else being part of your gesture of affection, “you don´t like sharing, do you?” you weren´t talking about the food, her answer wasn´t about that either, she nodded, grinning “yeah, that´s right” her arms crossed, “alright. I´ll save my best meal for you and you alone, how about that?” you said, which was an easy way to win her over: playing into her possessiveness. “perfect. and I´ll find a way to repay you of course”, a suggestiveness to the words, “I´m sure you will” you said, leaning back, smiling. Tess realized you two should probably plan when to really see each other again, not just in passing, “I suppose you´ll be pretty tired from all this tonight, so how about you get a good night sleep later and then tomorrow you can come over in the evening and we can do.. well whatever we want really. I´ll kick my roommate out” that got a laugh out of you, “alright, yes, sounds good to me”.

part of you wanted to protest, to suggest that you should come over later that night but you knew you would probably be better company once you were energized again. Tess moved to leave and you exchanged quick goodbyes before you turned around to continue your work, but before she could exit the door she looked back at you, and couldn´t go just yet. you stood with your back turned to her, and it was too tempting, so she walked back over, stopping once she stood right behind you.

you felt her presence intensely but didn´t turn around, waiting to see what she was doing, a second later you felt her arms wrapping around you from behind, just below your waist, to gently pull you back against her front side, and the moment she did that she saw you putting down the knife and rest your palms flat against the counter, for some reason she knew your eyes were closed even though she couldn´t see it. she leaned close enough to your neck to leave a light kiss, your breath heavy by then, “see you tomorrow sweet girl” she whispered, counting on the fact that she´d just given you a glimpse of what to look forward to, which had worked of course, it took everything in you not to turn around and beg her to stay but you forced yourself let the feeling crash over you, to take it without breaking, so you let her hold you for a few more moments, trying desperately to soak the warmth of her hands up, before she let you go and vanished.

walking back home, the joy Tess felt reminded her of how she often had complicated feelings about joy after the outbreak. for a long time she´d been tormented with nightmares about loved ones she´d lost, nightmares about them calling her unworthy of her survival, calling her selfish for moving on, for not being destroyed by grief, for trying to build something new for herself; she´d often woken up in a cold sweat feeling horrible about herself and ironically enough it often happened after she´d had a particularly good day. the thing was, that as she got older she realized that despite all the pain, she´d been afforded a freedom that she wouldn´t have had in her previous life. at first she felt awful for even thinking about it, but it was the truth, before she´d have grown old as a mother and wife, she´d have had very clear positions as a woman, duties to fulfill whether she felt like it or not, but somehow it had all turned out differently; there she was, after getting over the worst of it all with nobody to answer to, no spouse, no child, not even an employer, she was free to be whatever she wanted to be, and it wasn´t lost on her that that was in its own strange way a lucky position to be in.

for a long time she´d let it get to her, the fear that she might be a horrible person for rejoicing in a freedom that was connected to a horrible loss, but that day when she walked back after having met you, none of the guilt was there, the joy she felt was light and untainted, it was solid and calm

Tess knew it was your impact in large parts that had taken away that heaviness, the way you looked at her made it much harder to see herself in a bad light, the fact someone like you, who rarely trusted anyone with their weaker side, was so ready to let her in, to accept her care, it made Tess feel like she had a purpose, like the impact she would leave on the world might not just be one of violence. during the years of Joel and her fighting their way through weeks and months lost in a haze of shared pain and rage, she´d given up on the idea of ever feeling like a good person, or even just a decent one, but when she held you, when she felt you leaning in to kiss her, when she sensed your ease around her, knowing how reluctant you usually were to get close to others, she felt like there was a goodness in her that had remained in tact, that you were drawing out of the depths of her because you needed it.

Tess realized that sometimes self contempt did not matter, if someone saw something worth loving in her, who was she to tell them their perception was off?

while she was thinking all that, you were having a moment of reflection yourself. once she left the kitchen you just stood there the way you´d stood before, bracing yourself against the counter, breathing a little unevenly, and for a good few minutes you didn´t continue your work because your mind was racing, your body was on fire, and you had to calm down somehow.

at first you couldn´t identify what it was, but then you realized: your body had no idea how to handle intense joy, intense feelings of love and affection for someone, how to handle desire and ecstatic feelings of want, none of it, because you had never felt it before, it was like a new chemical had entered your system and an alarm was going off. of course you´d had moments of relaxation or contentment before, you´d had good days and you´d laughed and gathered sweet memories at times, but it had been years and years since you´d felt genuine joy, the kind that alters your whole physicality, your whole being. for so long you had lived in a state of constant numbness, you felt like a ghost at times, you were tethered to nothing, no family, no friends, no lover, not even a hometown or material possessions that made you feel grounded, nothing had really mattered to you, you floated from place to place, in Jackson you faded into the background, stopped engaging socially, spent nights on your own, days distracted by work, and then, all of a sudden, a rupture. Tess came and you were stunned into a state of openness, it felt like your body was coming out of hiding, like every part of you was hungry to feel, to feel everything, every little detail of what her presence could evoke in you, but it was not without pain at first, that process of letting yourself be alive again.

there was a fear in you and as you stood there thinking you knew why: for the first time in your life you had something to lose.

you´d gotten used to indifference so now that you felt so deeply for Tess, you almost panicked imagining a potential future without her, the worst case scenario played out in your head, her and Joel getting bored and leaving, her being gone one day, because now that you´d gotten a taste of love, you knew going back to living without it would eviscerate you.

there was no going back and you had to understand that the fear was a positive kind, that part of caring was risking your heart, the risk of immeasurable loss, which was worth it, always, in order to experience immeasurable love. after a while you calmed down, focusing on the spot where Tess´s hand had lingered mere moments before, banishing anxious thoughts and letting your mind flood with the memory of her body behind yours, her scent, her lips, and it worked, your cheeks flushed and you felt your muscles relax again.

by the time you were done cleaning up at night everyone else had left the building already and it was dark out. your limbs were aching as you walked outside and realized that it was pouring rain. for a moment you just stood there, letting the cool water soothe your exhausted body, not caring about your hair or clothes getting wet. once you walked down the road, it dawned on you that nothing seemed worse to you in that moment than going home to an empty, cold, dark house, nobody waiting for you, nobody to ask you if you´re fine, and you tried to fight the instinct, you did, but you knew where you were headed when you started walking faster. the plan had been to go to Tess the next night, to go there refreshed and in a more appealing state, but you had a visceral need to just see her, to be with her even if it would just be ten minutes, you were broken down in a way, the weeks before you´d overdone it, and the one thing you could think of that might make you feel steadier, less at risk of falling apart, was Tess´s strength, her way of touching you that infused you with calm, with warmth.

you made your way up to Tess and Joel´s door and tried your best to not feel ashamed as you knocked, ringing the bell seemed a little rude at that hour, hoping and praying it wouldn´t be him who answered the door, and it wasn´t; shortly after you knocked, Tess opened the door, somehow less surprised to see you than you thought, wearing an oversized black sweater that suited her, her light eyes shining brighter with the contrast, and the sight of her alone could have made you cry for some reason, the gentle smile as she leaned against the door frame and said “well hello there”.

you immediately tried to apologize for your unannounced appearance, uttering something like “sorry I know it´s late and we said tomorrow but -” but before you could finish the sentence she shook her head and waved you in, “don´t apologize, you can come by whenever you feel like it, alright?” she wanted nothing less than for you to feel hesitant around her, you nodded, feeling a little relieved as you walked in.

once you were inside and the light hit you, she saw something that others might not have picked up on because you did conceal it somewhat well, but not well enough for Tess; she could read in the way you were holding your body, the way your eyes looked that there was a fragility to you in that moment and it made her feel violently protective but she kept it in check, not smothering you with it, not yet.

for a moment you were just standing there, unsure what to do, waiting for her to tell you, but before doing anything else she went in to embrace you, a proper hello, the kind she had denied herself that morning, her arms firm around your back, yours around her waist, your head resting on her shoulder for a moment, breathing in her fresh scent, you could tell that she´d just showered and it felt so good that you almost turned it into a desperate tight hug, the kind where you cling to someone, where it´s blatantly obvious how much you really need their comfort, but you restrained yourself, melting into her for a few seconds, feeling her hands lightly run over the fabric of your jacket, soaking up her the feeling of her being wrapped around you and letting out deep shaky breath, that she noticed, before untangling yourself and smiling at her, a tired smile, but a very genuine one.

the urge to cry was still there, that thing of affection almost being painful when you´re in in desperate need of it, but you didn´t. she saw it and it worried her but she let it pass, giving you a moment to adjust, taking your hand in hers, “come on, let´s get you comfortable” she led you to the living room, it was just as you remembered, inviting and cozy, the faint light of the fire and a small lamp in the corner of the room, the smell of something like a scented candle, “here drink” Tess ordered as she held up a cup of tea that had been standing on the coffee table long enough to not be hot anymore, “I think you need this more than me”. you gladly accepted, it was herbal with a slight taste of honey and you imagined that she´d already taken a sip, liking the idea of indirectly kissing her by having your lips where hers had been before.

Tess sat down on the couch and moved closer to you once you sat next to her, her hand on your cheek then which you immediately leaned into. she caressed you for a moment, studying your face from up close, enamored, “you´re exhausted, hm?” a low, sympathetic tone, “yeah.. but this is helping” you said, your voice barely above a whisper, for a moment she let you close your eyes, holding your face in her palm, before her hand moved down to your own, holding it reassuringly as she spoke “wanna tell me what´s going on sweetie?” she asked, patient, giving you time to think of answer while you laced your fingers through hers and rested your head against the couch cushion.

“yeah. it´s just-” your voice was shaky which embarrassed you a little, but she encouraged you, “go on, I´ll understand”, you knew she would, so you went on.“well I already told you about not being too happy here in general since I came here, right?” she nodded “yes”, listening intently, still holding your hand, absentmindedly running her thumb over your skin, leaning in so you wouldn´t have to speak too loudly, making it more intimate, “the past few months it just got worse and worse, before you guys came it got pretty bad. the thing is I can´t cope when I have too much time on my hands, I really can´t be alone with my thoughts for too long, so I often just kept working and working because there are no other distractions around here” you spared her the gnarlier details, “and yeah it just wore me down, and I don´t how to fucking stop that´s the thing, I don´t know what to do Tess, I don´t know how to just live and be present” your ability to mask your pain had gone away, you seemed genuinely shaken up once you got done talking, your gaze was not on her, but she wanted you to look at her, so she lifted your head with her fingers, once you looked at her you could tell her expression had turned even more concerned, “and nobody noticed that something was off? nobody was looking out for you?” you shrugged, a sort of defeated look to you.

“I live alone, and well. not everyone has me figured out the way you have” she shook her head, a flicker of anger in her eyes as it dawned on her just how exhausted you truly must be, after years of being on your own with all of that to deal with, she sounded more stern, more intense as she spoke again, leaning in for emphasis, “okay, you listen to me. I know you´re used to being on your own and having nobody to rely on, and I know it´s not easy to give that up, I do, but I´m here now, and we´ll figure it out together. alright? it will be okay” your look of doubt just made her double down “it will. you´re gonna come to me when you don´t wanna be alone with your thoughts and I´ll find a way to distract you” there it was again, her way of putting things like an order, not even giving you the chance to deny her care, so you nodded as she tenderly brushed a strand of hair out of your face,“how about you tell me what´s been on your mind, hm? that´s a start”.

you weren´t used to sharing any of your inner thoughts with someone, so it took you a moment to gather up the courage to be honest, “well, it used to be all kinds of things, dread about not having anything to do with my life here. but it changed. now it´s just one thing really”, that peaked her interest, “and what´s that?”, you paused a moment, debating whether to be that honest, but you wanted at least one person to finally know you to your core, “are you gonna leave again?”, she didn´t expect that question at all so she looked confused as she responded “leave? what...as in leave town? we just moved here like three weeks ago” there was an amused smile on her face, but she realized that you were being dead serious, your expression almost terrified while waiting for a definitive no, it went straight to her heart,“oh sweetie. come here” she said, pulling you closer by your shoulders to hold you, to soothe you by running her fingers through your hair, the moment she did that you felt tears in your eyes, clinging to her, your fingers digging into the fabric of her shirt, “I´m not going anywhere, I promise you that, I´m here for good” she whispered while continuing the gentle touches, she realized then that you had yet to know what it feels like, to be able to trust that things were gonna turn out well, that there wasn´t always some disaster waiting on the horizon. she realized that it was one thing to care for you, it was another to help you grow comfortable with that care, to accept it, to trust that it would last, that you could let go of your old habit of never growing attached to anyone or anything.

you stayed like that for a moment, not full on crying into her shoulder, but shedding a few tears as you calmed down a little, after a while you separated and you went to wipe your eyes, laughing to yourself a little, it almost made her cry too then, to finally see a brighter expression on your face again, that smile that had won her over the moment you introduced yourself to her. “Jesus I´m sorry. I really don´t wanna be a fucking burden, I´ll get a grip now, I´ve just never felt like this about anyone..” you said while making sure your eyes were dry again, but Tess just shook her head, “you really have some self perception issue we need to work on here, getting to know you like this is not some favor I´m doing, it´s the one thing that has made coming here worth it. I´ll have you know that I was teased mercilessly all day today by Joel for constantly smiling to myself.”

your eyes lit up then, you moved over and put your arms around her neck, looking at her from up close, getting a good look at her for the first time that day, her hands moving under your shirt, to your back, “really?” you said, clearly loving that image, your smile turning into a satisfied grin, she was beyond relieved to see the switch in your mood, “hm, you really did a number on me” you kept staring into her eyes, “well, when you left earlier I just stood there for like 15 minutes recovering so..” you confessed, she laughed, “okay so we both just spent the whole day today thinking about each other, huh?”, you leaned down to kiss her then while uttering “guess so”, your hands in her hair, kissing her more heartfelt than earlier, a distinct emotionality to it, not even making out at first but just savoring the feeling of your lips against hers, eventually getting worked up from being pressed against her and breathing heavier, her hands moving up to your face to hold you in place while you kissed but struggled at times to keep it uninterrupted, the intensity leaving you just sighing into each other´s open mouths every now and then, growing hotter from the sounds, the feeling of each others tongues only adding to it once you really abandoned restrained and turned sloppy with it, her briefly, lightly biting your lower lip, drawing a moan out of you as she grabbed your tits through your shirt, remembering that you didn´t mind when she did it a little roughly.

after a while of being all over each other getting lost in the feeling of it, you climbed off of her and Tess realized just how wet your clothes had gotten from the rain earlier, she was so distracted before that it only then struck her, she fussed with your damp shirt, “okay you need to change, this isn´t good, you´ll catch a cold”, but she wasn´t gonna send you home, no way, “wanna come up to my room? I´ll give you something fresh to wear” her voice purposely low and smooth to persuade you, which wasn´t even needed, of course you´d say yes to the promise of seeing her space, getting dressed in something that might have her lingering scent on it, “yes I´d love that” you said, so she got up and pulled you up with her, gesturing for you to follow her.

after you made your up the stairs to the first floor, Tess went in ahead of you to turn on a few small lights, telling you to make yourself at home, and the second you saw her bed, which was considerably bigger than yours, it hit you just how tired you were, so you made your way to the end of the bedrame and sat down with your legs dangling off, taking in the details of her room. it was pretty impressive to you: two large wood paneled windows on each wall that faced the garden, a tree so close to them that you could see its outline even in the dark, a long full body mirror in the corner, a door that seemed to open to a walk in closet, beautiful wallpaper with a subtle flower print, you knew she might have chosen a slightly less feminine touch but it was undeniably a great space for her to have to herself, “damn this might be the nicest room I´ve seen in this town” you marveled as she lit a candle on her night stand, “yeah I know, I got pretty fucking lucky here”, Tess was looking at you as she said this, not at her space.

secretly you were already kind of imagining the room as partially yours, knowing there was a good chance you´d come back again and again, a smile on your face as you she made her way over to where you were sitting, standing in front of you then, sort of towering over you which you liked, “okay, we should get you out of these now”, which you took as a cue to undress but before you could undo even do anything she gently pushed your hand away, “no, let me do that for you”, not wanting you to life another finger after having had an exhausting day, so you gave in, gladly, smiling up at her as her eyes fell to where her hands got busy with opening your shirt, a quick succession of undoing buttons, she wasn´t fumbling at all her hands were steady, and it did turn you on, to have her handle you with such care, you were at a loss almost as she pulled your arms out of the sleeves as if she didn´t want to break you, gently, a stark contrast to her generally not very inviting aura, which vanished into thin air around you.

she wanted nothing more than to wrap you in a feeling of safety, of being held. your tank top was also far from dry, and you saw her hesitate but you almost begged her then, “go on”, wanting the intimacy of being exposed, being seen, she nodded, realizing that it wasn´t just about the clothes anymore, that you were getting something you needed out of it. she moved her hands under your top to pull it over your head, and the moment you were left sitting there topless, your skin painted in a golden hue from the dim light, her eyes changed, you were watching her while she was taking in the sight if of you, her palms resting on your shoulders, warm, so warm, once she looked at you again she moved her hands down your neck, your chest, slowly, “you´re so beautiful”. for the first time you thought you could hear her voice wavering, a hint of a tremor and the way she was standing between your legs, looking down at you, it made you feel weak in the most satisfying way. for so long you´d worked at seeming unfazed by anything, but in that moment you were glad to surrender, to look up at her in awe, to let her do whatever she wanted to, that moment with her, it felt sacred in a way. her eyes fell to a spot on your chest where she´d left a subtle mark the night before, a faint purple, she traced it for a second before leaning down to kiss the spot, ever so softly. a moment later she got onto her knees, moving between your legs to unzip your jeans and help you out of them too and once you were left in nothing but your underwear, you realized that that was the first time she´d seen you fully exposed, which felt good, her gaze never made you feel uneasy, it always made you want more.

Tess didn´t get up again but remained on her knees, her hands on either your thighs, feeling your soft skin, caressing you, and you were still at a loss for words, just taking it in, your body heating up from what she was doing, almost blacking out as she kissed your inner thigh, not just once, but leaving soft kisses all the way down to your knee. you could feel her long hair brushing your skin, tingling a little, her other hand lightly squeezing your other thigh as she seemed to get lost in the feeling of your skin, a kind of adoration that was enough to make you feel like you were imagining it all, it was beyond anything you´d expected from her, the way she was almost worshiping your physique. once she stopped to look up at you, she saw your eyes almost closing in pleasure, “relax for me okay? lay down, let me make you feel good” she said and you took the order, laying down flat on your back while your lower half was still at the edge of the bed, in her grip.

after Tess kissed your other thigh and felt you relaxing, quietly sighing, clearly wanting more, the progression of sensual to sexual was so seemless that it didn´t even make you nervous when she moved to pull of your underwear, the moment you felt her touch the fabric you assured her with a “it´s okay”, eager to be hers entirely. the feeling of laying there on the soft bed, the rain still making light sounds against the windows, the sensation of her lips trailing down your body, it left you fully present in your body, no thoughts other than god this feels good, it was exhilarating to be nude and to practically feel every part of you warm up and pulse with desire, your face growing hot, your chest rising and falling with heavy deep breaths, the space above your hips burning as she held onto you, it was clear to her that you were turned on to a level that could and should be deepened, so once your underwear was discarded onto the floor she moved further up between your legs, tightening her grip on you a little, pushing your knees apart more to have space, hooking her arms under your thighs to pull you down onto her face.

it was a charged moment for both you and Tess, neither of you had been intimate with anyone in a good while, so you felt every little sensation of that moment intensely, she had no idea if anyone had ever gone down on you at all so she felt a sense of responsibility, to not just be gentle and patient but to also make it heartfelt and passionate enough for you to crave more once she was done, a mix of carefulness and the urge to show you just how good it could feel. she knew she had all the time in the world, so at first she just focused on the skin leading up to where she was going, licking the highest part of your inner thigh, broad strokes with her flat tongue just tasting your skin for a moment, your sounds still faint but she could feel your body reacting, a slight twitch in your leg as she kneaded the skin where her fingers were digging in while moving to your center and running her flat tongue over your cunt in one big stroke, leaving your lips glistening with her spit, a slight gasp from you then, followed by a needy “please Tess..”, urging her to go ahead, so she briefly reached up and spread you open with her fingers, teasing you for a moment by running them up and down between your folds before leaning in and licking up what had leaked out already, a hum of pleasure as the slick texture hit her tongue, a sudden hunger, so she put more force into it and found a rhythm of sucking and licking your soft sensitive flesh that drove not only you insane but herself too, your whole body flushed by that point, your hands gripping the sheets before she reached up to hold them down, to make it even more intimate, feeling your hips moving up to meet her tongue, your fingers trapping hers, squeezing quite hard from the overwhelming feeling, but you were being easy, you didn´t squirm much or try to move away, it was pure bliss for her the way you were sprawled out and open for her, she praised you for a moment as she lifed her head, moving her hand to caress your stomach, “you´re being so good for me, such a good girl”, it only turned you on more, “my angel” she whispered against your skin as she could hear you whine from the mix of her words and her touches, her own underwear soaked by that point from it all, so much so that she might even finish too.

to really push you towards your impending climax she stopped pushing her tongue into you after having gone at it for a while and moved to suck on your clit, hard, not to a point of pain but hard enough to make you see stars for a second, “jesus fuck..” you moaned as she kept doing it, “Tess fuck I´ll-” you cried, feeling her steady you by grabbing your hips, “it´s okay, breathe, I got you” cooing at you before really harnessing all of her strength to overstiunalte your clit to the point of your walls clenching and your legs shaking, her hands constantly running up and down your body to add to the arousal, she knew that a squeeze and a grab at the right moment would only make you cum harder, you tried to somehow remain in place as you felt the orgasm building in your core and spreading out through your whole body in violent waves, your moaning nad whining almost making her lose her mind with lust as she felt the whole lower half of her face getting soaked in your juices, an intense final shudder told her you were finished but she wasn´t, letting you calm down a little as she gathered up every last drop that she´d gotten out of you, a last sloppy lick over your cunt before easing up and catching her breath, still between your legs, until she had the urge to see your face and climbed up over you, trapping you beneath her, satisfied with the look she found on your face, all flushed and exhausted and content.

before she could say anything you pulled her down for a kiss, which turned her on even more because she knew you knew she hadn´t wiped her mouth or chin yet, a gesture of intimacy that got her good, you tasting yourself on her lips, not even just a closed mouth kiss but kissing her in a way that made clear how much you´d enjoyed what she´d just done. “do I wanna know how you got that good at eating pussy” you said, which got a laugh out of her, her hand in your hair as she said “oh you know, the hundreds of women I dated before you” you didn´t laugh, wondering for a split second if she might actually mean it “I´m joking, don´t worry, I guess you bring it out of me”, “okay now you´re just sweet talking me” you said, your hands around her neck as she shook her head, “not my style, you should know that by now I think”, both of you smiling at each other as she said this because you did know, but it was still new to you, to be wanted like that, by someone you wanted just as badly. you knew her arms must have gotten tired from hovering over you so you pulled her down onto your chest, “careful there” she said, worrying she was gonna be too heavy, “you can crush me I don´t mind” you said, holding onto her as you could hear her laughing, resting on your chest for a moment.

neither of you were bold enough yet to ask the other one to spend the night together, so around midnight after laying there together for a good while, she offered to walk you home. as you stood in front of your door and looked at her you didn´t dare to kiss her even though it was dark and nobody was out there except you two, but you did allow yourself what you´d been too shy to do earlier, which was a hug that went beyond the friendly kind, so you stepped closer to her one last time that night and embraced her as tightly as possible, communicating something a simple thank you, wouldn´t have. as you stood there, arms around each other, the faint sound of a few lone birds above you, the smell of snow still lingering int the air, she lightly ran her hand over the back of your head, speaking in a low tone, “you take it easy tomorrow, okay? no work, no nothing, and if anyone really needs you to do something, send them to me, I´ll take care of it.” you smiled against her shoulder, still gripping the fabric of her jacket, “okay, I will”, separating only after a good two minutes of standing there in an embrace, giving each other a last love filled glance before saying goodnight.

while you were sleeping soundly later that night, Tess and Joel coincidentally got up to get some water from the kitchen at the same time. she´d been awake for hours just laying there unable to stop thinking about you and was already pouring herself a glass as she heard him coming down the stairs, so she got out a second glass and handed it to the disheveled half asleep man who got out a “thank you” but only barely, his voice still impacted by sleep, as she sat down at the table with him, both of them sitting there in silence for a moment. she had a grave expression, staring into space, so Joel asked “hey, you good?”, she looked like she was about to deliver bad news or tell him about a nightmare, but after taking a deep breath and looking up at him, Tess said “I think I´m in love with her.”.

Joel thought of course this woman would say it like she was saying she just killed someone, all serious and almost embarrassed, he smiled then, a genuine warm smile, not the kind he politely gave strangers, the kind reserved for his best friend, he patted her hand as he spoke “well. that´s a beautiful thing Tess”, he realized that his Texan accent had slipped out heavily with that phrase but he meant it, “but you´re scared, hm?” he knew her, he could read her in an instant, she nodded, “you know m Joel, I wasn´t prepared to feel like this. at all.” he understood, “yeah it´s always scary to care. trust me, I´m an expert in trying not to. but I need you to understand that you deserve this okay? hell, we went through so much awful shit, and you saved my ass so many times, I think it´s time for you to let all that go and give being happy a shot. as weird as it might feel to you at first, you deserve it.”

she was genuinely moved by that, leaning her head on her hands while looking at him, they usually expressed their care in other ways, not via words, so she knew it meant a lot for him to be that earnest, “I´ll try” she whispered, he gave her an encouraging nod before downing the rest of his water, “you know this is fun for me. it´s like I am getting a whole new friend out of this. you´re much better company when you have a pretty girl to fawn over”, he teased, earning himself a sharp look from her, “well I´m glad me losing my fucking mind is entertaining to you” she said, shaking her head, but clearly relieved that Joel knew how to help her ease up.

in Jackson there were generally only really two viable options when deciding what to do with your time at night: staying in, or going out to see who was hanging around at the bar, so the next day Tess and Joel found themselves leaving the house around 8pm to go have a drink, simultaneously cursing the cold air as they stepped outside, muttering things like “jesus fuck it´s cold”.

naively Joel started talking to Tess about his day, some gossip he´d overheard, his plans for their garden, but Tess´s very short and unenthusiastic answers of “oh cool” or “I see” or “yeah”, made him suspect that she was not listening at all, that her mind was of course somewhere else completely, so to test if she was even remotely paying attention he said: “you know I was thinking about burning our house down. just letting the whole thing go up in flames” and Tess gave a mild nod and an “uh-huh” in response, her expression unchanged, which made him speak louder then and push her in the side, “Jesus Christ Tess, just go on and get her to come with us, this is unbearable” he shook his head in disbelief over his lovestruck friend as he said this, watching her snap out of her state of daydreaming, “so you´re trying to get me in trouble, huh?”, “oh come on, relax, nobody´s gonna think twice about two women talking to each other, they´ll be too busy getting shitfaced” he had a point. “go! get your girlfriend!” he said, teasing a little, pushing her to do it, “fuck off” she muttered, secretly enjoying “girlfriend” being used to address you, the word swirling around in her mind as she approached your house, girlfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend almost a prayer like quality to the way its echo kept lingering in her ears, giving her something to put her faith in: the idea of maybe someday soon being able to refer to you as that.

once you opened the door she didn´t even say hello, immediately opening with “go get a jacket, we´re going to get a drink”, you laughed, “damn okay, you´re wasting no time huh” she nodded, “you know me”, she realized that you looked much more refreshed than the night before, calm and healthy, she suspected you´d taken her order and gone easy on yourself during the day.

as you walked down the street Tess assured you that she had Joel under control, that he wouldn´t be weird about it, so as you walked into the bar you followed her over to where he was waiting.

as you approached you saw that three shots were standing on the counter, he looked at both of you, “join me?”, which immediately made you relax, he seemed much less intimidating the moment he opened his mouth. all three of you stood there as you downed the shot, immediately twisting your faces as you felt the burn of the surprisingly strong liquor, “jesus did they pour us gasoline??” you said, which got a laugh out of him, the first of many that followed the minutes after when you all got more comfortable, Tess watching you charm him without even trying, all of you standing there by the bar, nursing your drinks, you giving them some of the inside scoop about Jackson they might not have picked up on yet, airing out some of your grievances, letting them share some of their own, it was clear to them you wouldn´t talk so a sense of trust was established within the hour so you spent together.

once Tommy entered the bar and greeted you before talking to Joel about something private, you and Tess used the opportunity to slip away for a moment, heading to a quieter corner of the bar, sitting down by an empty table. you were tipsier than her since she could definitely handle her liquor better, but it was the nice kind of tipsy, a buzz that made you more prone to being honest, but also, to being affectionate so you had to remind yourself not to kiss her as she stared at you all lovingly, “what?” you said, leaning your hands on your folded hands, looking up at her with doe eyes, she cocked her head, smiling in a way that made her look young, girlish almost, “you should be proud of yourself, he never warms up to strangers this fast. but again, he´d have to be a fucking fool not to like you”.

you sounded a little drunk then as you said “you´re so sweet to me”, while staring at her, and in that moment Tess didn´t care anymore about what anyone might think, she wanted to touch you so she did, brushing your hair out of your face before caressing your cheek, watching your eyes widen as you realized what she´d just done, out in public, but it felt good, to be claimed in a way, so you leaned into it. not everyone noticed, it´s not like every person in town was that invested in what you two were doing, but Tommy immediately clocked it, his eyes flickered over to where Tess´s hand met your face, his own colored in shock as he hit Joel on the arm to draw his attention where he was looking, but Joel just took a sip of his drink, keeping his mouth shut. as Tommy saw the distinct lack of surprise on Joel´s face as he turned to him, he uttered under his breath “oh so you knew??” but Joel just shrugged, “hey, I love you brother, but not enough to spill her secrets to you” and after the initial shock settled Tommy shook his head and smiled to himself while staring down into his glass, “damn, she really went straight for the best one huh”, Joel laughed, “I won´t tell Maria that you said that”, “oh fuck off you know how what I mean”, and he did, during the hour that he´d spent with you and Tess it became clear to him why she liked you, and even clearer why you two had taken so little time to fall for each other. it was so obvious to him, that you were both the types to keep to yourself, to be a little stubborn and unwilling to open up, until you met someone you were utterly mesmerized by, and lucky for you, it had happened.

it suddenly made his chest swell to witness a love like that forming right in front of his eyes because it reminded him of how romance had changed after the outbreak. nobody had time anymore for endless meaningless dates during the end of the world, survivors knew that it was a miracle to still be alive, and even more of a miracle to meet someone whom you could love, so no matter who they were, where they met, when two people saw a light in each other that might illuminate the endless dark of their world, most people usually went into that love shaking and afraid but determined to keep it, because everyone knew tomorrow was never promised. there was an urgency to love after the outbreak, a deep visceral need, a sense of now or never that sometimes ended up pushing people together who´d have never met before. every now and then the stars aligned and fated run ins ended up creating some of the most beautiful and unexpected unions, Joel thought back to Frank and Bill, about his brother and Maria, other couples he´d met, and how you and Tess were in a similar spot, terrified of the depth of your feelings, but so clearly made for each other, so clearly ready to finally open up.

as he was thinking all that, Tess saw that your eyelids were getting heavier by the minute and asked “wanna get out of here?”, seeing you nod, a little sleepy and slurring your words as you said, “yeah. but to your bed, not mine” she smiled, “alright, let´s go then”, as she went over to your side of the table and helped you up, throwing a glance back to Joel who threw her a wave and a knowing look.

once you were outside and the cool air hit your face you realized that the fact that she´d kind of outed you as lovers allowed you to abandon your previous restraint, so you huddled up with her, linking arms, tightly, walking to their house as a few snowflakes fell onto your faces, a giddiness to you that was partially due to the alcohol, mostly due to feeling like she´d somehow committed herself to you because there was no way she´d have done that with someone she had no intention of really being with, not that you ever doubted her but it felt good, to have solid proof of how much you mattered to her, enough to risk potential hostility from onlookers. “so, what made you do that?” you asked, clearly full of adoration for her, she looked at you from the side, holding you close, making sure you wouldn´t slip or fall, the uninhibited even brighter smile than usual on your face making her melt.

“oh well. I realized that pretty much all of them know about my not so spotless past by now, so.. I highly doubt any of them would dare to give us, me specifically, any trouble”, you laughed, nodding, “right. your past as a violent ruthless killer” drawing out the last words for dramatic effect, nudging her, messing with her a little, but instead of laughing she just raised her eyebrows at you, “I really don´t know what you´re using that ironic tone for, miss” you challenged her, “oh so you´re proud of all that, huh?” amused by her taking offense, she shrugged, “no. but maybe I should be, considering that you seem to get a little turned on whenever it comes up” you didn´t even try to protest because it was true, it did thrill you to think that she was capable of all that if needed, “well, maybe I have a thing for fucked up women” you teased, she laughed, “clearly I do too” pointing at you as she said it, you laughed too then, “look at us. match made in heaven” that one definitely wouldn´t have left your lips in a sober state and she just let the words linger in the air as you approached their house but she thought yes, sounds about right.

walking up the stairs to her room she made you go in front of her, both of her hands on your back to sure you wouldn´t stumble and fall, making fun of you for being a lightweight but lovingly, she liked seeing you with your walls all the way down, grabbing her more freely and saying little things out loud you usually wouldn´t have, remarking upon her eye color, her hands, everything that came to mind, all of your thoughts tumbling out, a never ending list of things you liked about her, to a point where she almost told you to stop, blushing a little, which she usually never did.

once you were in her room you immediately flopped face down onto her bed, groaning as you felt the soft bedding under you. Tess dutifully bent down to help you out of your shoes, a simple gesture that made you feel even softer towards her. once she´d also helped you out of your jacket she didn´t lay down but decided to sit next to you on the bed, tempted by the sight of you, pulling up your shirt all the way to your shoulders so she could caress your back, a “hmm” sound of approval from you the second she touched you, her fingertips running up and down your spine, stopping for a second as she saw a faint scar under your right shoulder blade, tracing it for a moment. “how´d you get this?” she asked, you obviously never looked at your own back and you couldn´t even think of where´d you´d gotten it, it was so long ago “don´t remember” you said as she leaned down to kiss the impact of that ancient injury, her lips resting there for a moment as she thought that she wanted all of your pain to be like that in the future: a distant memory, so far gone that it doesn´t have any hold on you anymore. she wanted nothing more than to give you a life that would be so full of love and warmth that you´d remember the rough years before knowing her with a sense of that all seems so far away, I can´t even recall the details. you were lost in the feeling of her impact on your exposed back as she kissed you all the way up to your neck, feeling you relax under her.

after a while you wanted to see her again so you used all the strength that was left in your tired body to roll over onto your back, she laughed as she saw the effort it took and helped you move closer to her, “come here” she said while grabbing you, which ended up with you laying your head in her lap, staring up at her as she held your face on either side, smiling down at you, it struck you in that moment how perfect her face was to you, her hair framing it beautifully,“you´re so pretty” you said, drawing out the “y”, that was not the word people usually used for her and she shook her head while tracing your facial features with her index finger, “you´re the pretty one here baby”, the pet name got to you, you grinned, enjoying the feeling of her feathery touches on your face, lulling you into a state of sleepy bliss. laying on her thighs was about as comforting as anything in your life had ever been.

“oh by the way” she said, watching you close your eyes for a moment, “hmm” you answered, “your schedule for the next month or so is cleared, no more working around town for a while” you were confused then, your eyes open again, her palms still warm on your cheeks, “what do you mean?”, a smug grin on her face, “well.. I thought a lot about what you told me last night, so I talked to Maria earlier. I asked her if she´d mind if I stole you away for a while to help me around the house. Joel is god awful at being indoors for too long, he´s better with the garden and the facade of the house, all that, so I suggested you should help me instead. and I think she said yes because she was just glad to see me warm up to someone but yeah..by the time Tommy gets home I think she´ll know what my actual reason for all that was” you nodded, smiling, taking it all in, “I´m surprised you think I´d be any help” you joked, “oh I think you can handle painting some walls sweetheart”, you nodded, “or, you know, how did you put it, I could “sit there and look pretty”, she laughed, stroking your hair, “exactly yes”, you realized that she´d done that to look out for you, to watch over you and make sure you weren´t doing anything stupid to yourself, which made you emotional then.

you started to actually imagine it, spending your days with her and it seemed a little too good to be true, “that should be fun. you and me and an empty space” you grinned, “hm, let´s see how much work we actually get done huh”, “oh and Joel actually said we could decide what to do with the attic once we´re done with it. use it as a nice space to hang out in when you´re here or something” you laughed then, “I think he might have said that because he heard us last night, you know, trying to get us far away from his room” she laughed, considering it “maybe. but don´t worry, if he did hear us, you sounded hot” she teased, you slapped her arm then, “stop”.

after a few more minutes of you laying there you both got ready for bed because it was clear that you were gonna stay over. she washed your face for you because she was scared of you hitting your head on the porcelain if you did it yourself, giving you some of her clothes to sleep in, a loose long sleeve shirt and oversized sweatpants, a similar kind to the ones she was wearing which you used mercilessly to your advantage, your hands slipping under her wide shirt the entire time you two were in the bathroom, feeling her wince a little each time, “you´re groping me” she joked as your hands wandered up her chest, “I am yes” you whispered before she told you to quit it and go to bed with her, but she loved it, having you all over her, being handsy, it was sweet considering how restrained you´d both been just a day before, debating whether holding hands in public was fine.

once you both got comfortable under the covers it took very little time for you to doze off. at first you laid on top of her for a while but then you moved to your side so you could face her, you both wanted to look at the other person so you ended up falling asleep as mirror images, one arm around the other person´s torso, feeling each other´s slow breaths as you feel asleep, your body heat keeping the other person warm during the snowy night.

it was a symbolic image, the way you two laid there like two perfect halves, because even though you´d lead very different lives leading up to that moment, you were both experiencing the same exact thing: a new beginning. your love was going to change your lives drastically, you both felt it in your bones. for you it was an awakening, for her it was a rebirth. for you it would mean finally coming alive, finally feeling present and like it was worth it to have been born regardless of the mess that happened in the world so shortly after, for her it would mean embracing a third period of her life, after growing up in the normal word and then going through hell with Joel in the QZ, she was finally going to leave behind the guilt and shame about what she´d done to survive the decades before, what she´d done to get to the point of meeting you and finally seeing a light at the end of a tunnel she didn´t even know she could ever get out of.

that was where the acute sense of nervousness had come from for both of you, that fated feeling of: this woman is going to change everything.

laying there together that night, safe and content in each other´s arms, you both felt no fear anymore, only the deep calm of knowing you were only at the very beginning of a love so transformative you would finally know what it feels like to stop surviving and start living again.

you were both convinced the other one had saved you. you were both right.

#the title is taken from that phoebe bridgers song sidelines bc I realized that it fit the vibe of this so if you want go listen <3 #also feel free to send me any thoughts you have I’m really curious #tess servopoulos x reader #tess servopoulos #the last of us hbo #the last of us x reader #tlou #the last of us fanfiction #anna torv

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archivalofsins · 6 months

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Can't wait for people to start acting like they're experts on a very personal and subjective disorder by telling people they know nothing about personally how it should be discussed in their opinion. That's sarcasm, by the way.

I sincerely hope people can be more respectful when discussing Mikoto, but my hopes aren't high in that regard given the behavior I've seen so far.

Whether they be a singlet or a system is of little importance, in my opinion. Presenting oneself as being intimately aware of how any disorder is based solely on one's personal experience with said disorder or knowing others that have it is how stereotypes form.

Doing this is incredibly harmful regardless if one is speaking from a place of good intent. Dissociative Identity Disorder isn't a fucking monolith and creating an evironment in which it can be viewed as one causes harm to those who don't fit into that monolith. Regardless of if a stereotype is positive or negative, it's still a stereotype that is capable of damaging one person as much as it is of helping another.

So, hopefully, people can move more respectfully and recognize that they do not know what others are going through or how any disorder specifically impacts an individual outside of themselves. Basically, it'd be great if people got more comfortable with saying in my opinion instead of presenting subjectivity as fact.

People are varied and shaped by so many incredibly mundane and large things. It is actually impossible for anyone on this planet to be exactly the same as anyone else. Regardless of if they have certain diagnosis in common or not. This is coming from me the most high-strung and possibly viewed as heavily opinionated person, but at this point, even we're just like chill a little.

If people could recognize that the topics in Amane's trial could be triggering to some I believe the fandom is more than capable of recognizing that how dissociative identity disorder is discussed can be triggering to those suffering from it. Especially considering how it is formed and the very immense amount of thirst and sexualization of Mikoto that is shortly on the horizon. Ya know the guy with the disorder that is intrinsically tied to childhood abuse and sexual trauma. That thing.

It's not even out yet, and he's already being heavily sexualized. He always has been, but this sexualization can impact others a lot differently based on their struggles with the disorder and how far into their personal journey with it they are. Hence why I haven't made any blatant statements on those more heavy aspects of the situation.

Because it is discomforting for me personally due to my experiences. So, it's best to tread with respect and consideration or for those who would have a problem with this behavior like me blacklist the tags and just enjoy it personally on your own at your own pace if it becomes too much.

Milgram is not worth causing further emotional harm to oneself. Especially when it has to do with a disorder as related to trauma as this one. So, please make sure to take care of yourselves and take a step back if it's getting to an unbearable point.

#milgram #mikoto kayano #gunsli rambels

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elliespuns · 3 months

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What is your perspective on tlou2 being inspired by the Israel-Palestine conflict? It didn't register with me at first but I've gotten too attached to the characters by the time that I discovered it and it is genuinely disappointing HOWEVER I have separated their narratives from the political dimension of the game by just focusing solely on the individual emotional journeys that each of the characters go through and I never really bought the games myself first hand except get them second hand but is it still wrong to adore the characters?

Not happy about it. I mean, who would be?

I wasn't aware of it at first either; it just didn't click, and then I started seeing the rumors, and well, it all made sense. I am disappointed. Not at all for Neil Druckmann, though. I don't really care about him (except for his amazing mind, where he created Ellie and Joel, the only fictional characters that I've got to love so much). What I am disappointed in more is that almost everyone thinks that once you continue to love this game, you support the evil too. Which is not how I feel about it.

But then again, does even my opinion matter? I've already got a lot of anon messages throwing hate on me for managing a blog about TLOU and supporting the evil. And I sit here and wonder... where did I ever say that I supported the bad side of the conflict? I don't think I ever did. Why? Because I don't talk about politics on this blog. This blog has been made to share love with all TLOU lovers, not to support Neil Druckmann or anyone else's political views or to even share about politics in general.

People are quick to judge. They go and preach to stand with Palestine and then go hate on the people who chose to stay quiet. People should realize that individuals managing fandom blogs and not sharing politics doesn't automatically mean that they support the evil. We (bloggers) have our own personal lives out of our blogs and our own personal accounts. Many of us are posting about the conflict on our personal social media. People should think about this before making bloggers feel like shit for managing silly blogs where they don't want to discuss what can be discussed elsewhere.

I have a deep bond with this game; I had it a long time ago before any of this was happening (everyone knows I will always prefer the first game over the second). This is not something I can just throw away. I have memories connected to it, feelings, emotions... it's not like I can tell myself 'fuck the game' now just because of the news I got. I guess it's easy for others when the bond is not so strong, but this game has been in a better part of my life for so long, and believe it or not... when I think about how Ellie and Joel make me happy, I don't have fucking Druckmann in mind or any of his political views.

I will never mix my admiration for this project with politics. Me not agreeing with Neil Druckmann's political views won't change the fact that I've already fallen in love with this game years ago. I am not loving Druckmann; I am loving something he once created. That is a big difference. Especially if you've already loved the game before the conflict.

I say, unless you're actively supporting the propaganda and throwing your money at it, you are not hurting anybody. You, being emotionally connected to the story of this propaganda's project or its characters won't really change a thing. Not for good, yes, but not for bad either.

Anyway, this is my opinion. I think people should stop judging those who are not sharing politics on their fandom blogs because they never know what these people share on their personal accounts. We are here to enjoy things that are free; love and joy for fictional characters we've adored for too long.

Sorry, I got a bit carried away. This is probably the only post about politics I'll share, so this needed to be said.

Anyway, you don't need to feel bad for loving the characters. You are not doing anything wrong. I think every one of us who still loves TLOU to this day is able to detach from the fact of who's behind the games. We're here for Ellie and Joel. They don't care about Druckmann either.elliespuns answers

#the last of us #tlou #ellie williams #ellie tlou #joel miller #joel tlou #ellie and joel #joellie #the last of us game #tlou game #the last of us part 2 #tlou part 2 #i stand with palestine #elliespuns answers

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k-rising · 1 year

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ENHYPEN's group dynamic (tarot reading)

DISCLAIMER: This tarot reading is for entertainment purposes only.

how's their overall dynamic?

king of pentacles (rx) + ace of cups + the world + 5 of cups + page of pentacles (rx) + 7 of wands + 2 of pentacles + 6 of wands (rx) + 3 of wands + knight of cups (rx)

the group could get along better, but there are still some issues to be resolved...

the members care more about money and greed than improving their group dynamic. I feel that they do not have enough creative freedom and when it's time to work, it's very likely that many discussions arise.

they are aware that if there's will there would be more harmony and they would work better, but it seems that there is no will for this to happen. I feel that there are many things that still couldn't be resolved; there's a lot of resentment in this reading.

the boys suffered a lot to be where they are now, especially in their trainee days and in i-land. I feel that most of them were affected so much by that time of their lives that it's difficult for them to forget everything they went through. I also feel that some of them wanted to debut with certain people, but they couldn't make it or there are also some of the members that were not happy with the group. some of them may have lost enthusiasm for working as a group. they do have big dreams, but they're not inspired or hopeful that the group will achieve all of the things that they hope to achieve.

although they're successful and will be even more successful in the future, I feel that the feeling of competition will continue to be present... I mean competition between groups, not between members.

it seems that it's very common for many changes to occur in the group, but it seems that one particular member does not like this at all. it seems that one of them is the one who is most affected by the constant imbalance of the group.

it's sad to say this, but I think most of the members doubt their own abilities. I also feel like there's a giant lack of recognition here that that's what affects them the most. I have the feeling that they lack a lot of support, I mean... nobody compliments them for their hard work and this causes them to have low self-esteem :( despite all this, they are optimistic and don't give up. they know that if they work hard they will get what they want.

in order for the group dynamic to improve, they have to stop being so cold and support each other. they have to stop being impulsive and they have to learn to control their emotions. complimenting others for the progress they make is highly valued. they have to let go of their ego and their competitive side and become more empathetic; they have to learn to care about each other.

how does each of the boys feel about the group?

the empress + 4 of pentacles (rx) + the moon

heeseung ⇢ this guy tends to idealize and imagine a group dynamic that doesn't exist, simply because he's afraid things will get worse.

although I feel that heeseung really cares for the members, I also think that he's clinging to them because he's afraid that the group will disband and he will have to work alone... that terrifies him.

we all know this man is very talented, but heeseung himself doesn't think the same way :(

4 of cups + 10 of wands + king of cups (rx)

jay ⇢ jay isn't happy with the group dynamic, but knows how to separate work from his relationships.

this guy doesn't feel comfortable with the group, not because he doesn't feel included, but simply because their personalities are different. however, it should be said that this man tends to ignore the nice things they achieve as a group out of mere stubbornness 💀. sometimes he thinks that the only one who takes work seriously is him and sometimes he takes charge of things that later end up stressing him out.

jay finds that sometimes the work environment can be very bad and there's often a lot of manipulation involved.

to sum up, he thinks that the group dynamic is toxic af lmao

the tower + 9 of pentacles + 6 of wands (rx)

jake ⇢ at first jake thought the group dynamic was good, but suddenly one day he didn't think that anymore. something happened that made him change his mind.

regarding work, while he is proud of how he has progressed over the years, he would also like to receive compliments from his members. jake's needing that approval from his teammates, but he wouldn't be getting it, which sometimes causes him to question his abilities.

10 of wands (rx) + 5 of swords (rx) + temperance

sunghoon ⇢ this dude doesn't trust the other members very much and considers it very difficult to delegate, because of their egos.

however, sunghoon wants this to stop and is trying to find meaning in his work, trying to be patient and balance things out. sunghoon is tired of arguing and wants to improve the relationship he has with certain members.

the lovers + page of swords + 2 of swords

sunoo ⇢ well, he's the only one who is satisfied with the group cksngkd

sunoo thinks that even though they have different personalities, they complement each other well. he feels comfortable with his members and he considers that he formed a deep emotional bond with them.

sunoo loves to talk and share his opinions with his members. he also finds interesting the way some of them think. there's a lot of mental stimulation here! this also applies to work. however, many times this ends in arguments... but sunoo likes this to happen, because he considers communication important, even when he disagrees with some opinions.

ace of pentacles + 10 of swords (rx) + the tower

jungwon ⇢ at first, jungwon was very excited about the group. he was relieved that he was finally going to debut and was optimistic about enhypen's future. being chosen to be part of the group made him recover his self-confidence and, little by little, he began to heal from everything he could have experienced in the past.

however, not everything was rosy. it seems that jungwon has drastically changed his mind about the group. something in particular happened here… I feel it's because of the way each of them work.

justice + 4 of cups + 5 of cups

niki ⇢ niki is going through more or less the same thing as jay: even though enhypen is doing well and its opening a lot of paths for him, niki ignores all of that and only sees the negative side of things. maybe this is because he isn't getting the things he wants or he doesn't like the way he gets those things.

regarding the relationship he has with his members, there's a lot of resentment here. niki doesn't feel comfortable with some of his teemmates and he treats them with apathy and, what's more, I feel that he has something personal with one of them.

this reading makes a lot of emphasis on karma and pain. I've just heard "be responsible of your actions." like I said before, there's a lot of resentment in this reading.

regarding the last card, I have 2 theories about it: 1) niki feels sad because he misses his family or 2) he may be very affected by the type of relationship he has with that specific member. however, the card indicates that there's still a chance to solve that situation.

‧͙⁺˚･༓☾　𝑇ℎ𝑎𝑛𝑘 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔! 　☽༓･˚⁺‧͙

#enhypen #enhypen tarot #enhypen astrology #nishimura riki #park sunghoon #yang jungwon #lee heeseung #jay park #jay jongsung park #sim jaeyoon #kim sunoo

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foozle-woesies · 2 months

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Omg omg omg omg guess whose back? Back again? Dizzy's back. To spam his friend. Okay but like deadass I want to know your most significant angst Hcs. Literally any characters just what have you really thought about with who cause I know I've got a list of them for pretty much every character so I wanna know ur favs. Give me yummy angst I'm hungry.

🍓Genshin Favs Angst Headcanons🍓

Wooooo!!! You have submitted a GOOD ask buddy. This post will include:

Kaeya Alberich

Diluc Ragnvindr

Il Dottore

Tartaglia

I have more favorites than this, but these are the guys I’m always thinking about.

Warnings: familial death, depression, alcoholism, descriptions of s/h, mentions of internalized homophobia and transphobia, and general violence.

❄️Kaeya Alberich❄️

This isn’t even a headcanon, I’m pretty sure it’s very heavily said in the game- Kaeya’s an alcoholic. And that suave personality of his? I really think it’s just a front.

I see Kaeya has having some serious battles with depression. It takes quite a lot of energy to uphold that smooth façade, leaving him feeling unable to do anything but drink and sleep.

I think Kaeya has a horrible time even just getting up in the morning. Like, it physically hurts him to think about. In the mornings he’ll feel such hopelessness and dread that, again, it just hurts.

I think Kaeya is also deeply hurt by how cold he and Diluc are to each other. Diluc is too, of course, but more on that later. He feels abandoned by Crepus, even though he’s aware that it wasn’t his father’s fault he died.

I also think Kaeya was envious of Diluc and Crepus, even if his father loved the boys the same. Crepus was Diluc’s biological dad- something Kaeya also wanted to have.

Not as angsty as everything else, but Kaeya’s always cold because of his cryo vision :(

Another small one- Kaeya has really textured hair imo. But due to his lack of self care, his hair gets matted often. He’s already tender headed, so combing through it hurts bad. He can hardly bring himself to care for it by the time it’s so matted. Not just because of the pain in his scalp, but because of the pure and utter shame it brings. He couldn’t even gather the strength to do something as basic as brush his hair- how weak could he possibly be?

This is a lot more specific to my au but I’ll try and keep it generally related to the actual game. Kaeya knows both his brother and his spouse are trans and is fully supportive. He supports any queer person in Mondstadt. When it came to realizing he himself was gay, though, it was a bloody internal battle. I’m glad to say he was able to accept himself quickly and live happily with his husband <3.

🔥Diluc Ragnvindr🔥

I think, as the Darknight Hero, Diluc’s an extremely reckless fighter. He’s covered in scars from fatui and abyss mage attacks, but also burns. His hands specifically are burnt to the point of nerve damage in his hands.

He hides these burns with his gloves. This is also why he leaves bartending to his employees- it’s hard to not drop the glasses and spill the drinks due to the damage.

He doesn’t ever pay much mind to his injuries and hardly goes to the hospital when he should. He prioritizes his mission as the Darknight Hero over his own safety. Perhaps he just wants to carve a meaning into his life, feeling as though he lacks one.

Diluc is not one who is good at handling complicated feelings. Quite honestly, Crepus’s death hasn’t exactly registered to him. Obviously he knows it’s happened, and he grieved, but… he just pushes it so far down. He’s easily irritated by the topic of Crepus.

This irritation becomes evident whenever Kaeya tries to talk about their father, even though it’s always in a fond manner. In general, discussions between the brothers end in screaming and shouting.

Diluc doesn’t hate Kaeya, though, it’s quite the opposite. Diluc frets a lot over his little brother. His lack of emotional tact, and Kaeya’s unwillingness to open up, just keeps driving the brothers farther apart.

Diluc is trans. Of course this isn’t an angsty headcanon within itself! Rather, I want to talk about the things that can come with it. I like to think Mondstadt is generally a very accepting nation (I choose to think all of teyvat is, really). But once in a while, a drunkard in the bar will make a nasty comment towards this fact. He acts as if these comments mean nothing but it bothers him deeply.

Actually, Diluc feels insecure about being a “real man” quite often. It’s a pretty persistent bother. I’m glad to say though, at the end of the day, Diluc is proud and confident of who he is :3

🧪Il Dottore🧪

Dottore’s backstory isn’t really in the game atp (except for Zandik’s legacy, except it’s not even canonically stated to be Dottore so who really knows at the end of the day?? I def think it’s him tho), but I have my own theories. I feel like Dottore definitely had a horrible childhood. Was he probably kicked out of his village for a good reason? Yea. But still. I can’t help but imagine he had no one to care for him, therefor harboring his bad tendencies.

By the time he got to the Akademiya, I think he was also bullied pretty badly. This worsened his hatred towards people and made him even more of a shut-in.

Dottore is just tired all the time and I mean TIRED. It’s a miracle he’s even functioning.

I don’t have much for Dottore atm… sorry!

🫧Tartaglia🫧

Tartaglia is really struggling while in the fatui. Sometimes, he’s really zoned out. He’s good at keeping up that charming and energetic front for jobs, sure, but if you know him personally or just see him around Zapolyarny palace, he’ll seem like a totally different person. He seems to be… remembering the things he’s seen and done.

Sometimes, he’s totally angry and freaking out. He has a hard time controlling his emotions, all of which seem to appear as anger. This always ends with him breaking something, hurting someone, or even hurting himself. These tantrums are triggered by even the smallest things. I really think he has a ton of resentment, despair, and fear bubbling underneath the surface, resulting in seemingly random breakdowns.

I don’t think Tartaglia really enjoys the fatui. When he crawled out of the abyss, he was a scared, vulnerable young boy. I don’t think he could process what he experienced at the time- I don’t think he can nowadays, either- and I think the fatui used this to their advantage. To try and make him better harbinger material, they stunted his recovery by saying what he went through wasn’t that bad, it was just something that strengthened him. They brushed off any possible mental degradation as him just “being weak” and “needing to be stronger”. He doesn’t realize any of this.

I think that contributes to his need to train more and grow stronger. His over-exertion with battling, and focus on physical pain is a way for him to ignore the mental anguish he’s truly in.

Beyond losing the light in his eyes, I think Tartaglia’s entire face changed. Obviously he grew up, and that changes people’s face, but I mean in a different way. His cheeks are sunken in, his eyes even more so. Around his eyes and the tip of his nose were constantly discolored and red. His lips were chapped and bloody. He seemed tired, even with that fun mask he put on. Honestly he lacks a lot of self care. He wants to focus on his strength rather than such “small matters”. He honestly looks… pretty fucking terrifying, even inhuman when he’s violent. It’s sort of the way a shell-shocked soldier will look different when he returns from war.

About him ending up hurting himself. I think he’ll just grab at any part of himself and scratch and squeeze, resulting in jagged cuts and bruises. He has to take his anger out on something physical. If his anger is directed at another person, when he was a younger man, he’d just hurt them. As he grew, he just broke things around him instead, screaming and shouting all the while. He regrets this every time it happens. He doesn’t know why he lacks control.

All in all, Tartaglia is a deeply troubled individual who’s been manipulated into believing he is fine. He’s been lied to and told his job is a great thing for the world. Maybe one day, he’ll snap out of it and realizes he needs to leave.

#dottore genshin #childe tartagalia #diluc ragnvindr #kaeya alberich #genshin men #genshin impact #genshin headcanons #angst headcanons #tartaglia headcanons #dottore headcanons #diluc headcanons #kaeya headcanons

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talshiargirlfriend · 24 days

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Trip/T'Pol #7

a kiss to shut them up…

This has been languishing in WiP Limbo long enough.

Trip had been in perfectly good form at the gathering, and yet T’Pol had felt a sense of agitation that she knew did not belong to herself pressing against her awareness all evening. Her mate was troubled. Prior experience had shown he may not appreciate her inquiring about emotions he hadn’t actually expressed. She wondered if he was even aware of them. Humans seemed to share the Vulcan propensity for completely ignoring inconvenient feelings.

She and Trip planned to stay in a hotel overnight before meeting his parents for “brunch” the next day. He had professed great excitement at the prospect. Trip had introduced her as “Commander T’Pol, Elizabeth’s mother” and then paused a beat before adding “and one of my best friends” when she met his parents just over a year ago at her daughter’s funeral. Perhaps he was having doubts about introducing her as his mate -his romantic partner- this time. That would be unfortunate but understandable given their history.

As they made their way out of the restaurant they walked close together, close enough for him to surreptitiously rub his pinky finger against hers. Through the physical contact she could feel the thrum of his anxiety more strongly. Her concern increased.

Taking his hand fully in hers, she turned to face him, “Trip, is something bothering you?”

He glanced down at their hands, clearly startled that she was touching him in public. T’Pol felt a flicker of unease and dismissed it. She wasn’t doing anything inappropriate.

“Well, Anna’s leaving,” he said, as though that explained anything. His thought processes continued to prove baffling.

“You are… concerned about staffing changes?” She allowed a trace of her puzzlement into her voice.

“What? No. Uh, she’s leaving to get married, and that got me thinking… I don’t really know what your opinions are on the subject, but I always thought I’d get married someday.” He sounded wistful.

She eyed him warily. Did he no longer see that as a possibility? “I expected the same for myself,” she agreed a bit stiffly.

He didn’t seem to hear her.

“And this whole psychic bond thing seems pretty permanent. I mean, I guess I don’t know, but it feels that way to me.”

“To my knowledge, a bond of this nature typically endures until the death of one partner,” she agreed softly.

Again he continued without acknowledging her words.

“It wasn’t easy to get used to it, but I don’t think I’d feel whole now without having you, this sense of you, with me.” Trip sighed, “It seemed to work pretty well for Lorian’s parents. I know, I know, we’re not them, and we’ve been through a lot since we … would've become them- god, time travel is weird. Maybe too much has changed or not enough…”

He took a deep breath and continued, “Look, T’Pol, I love you, and I know you haven’t had the best experience with marriage,” he grimaced outwardly and she did so inwardly. “So the last thing I want to do here is put you under pressure, but … I want to marry you. I think we should talk about it. Things are really good with us and nothing needs to change, but it feels like it’s at least worth having a discussion even if —“

She cut off his accelerating flow of words with a kiss. After a moment of surprise he responded enthusiastically, raising a hand to cradle her head.

“Yes,” she said simply when they broke apart.

“Uh, yes to what?” Trip regarded her cautiously.

“Yes, you are correct.”

“All right, I like the sound of that. … What exactly am I right about?” he pressed with a confused frown. That expression would look well on her children one day.

“You are correct that it is logical that we should discuss marriage at this stage of our relationship… although it may be a brief conversation,” she conceded.

“Because you don’t want to get married?” he suggested. He tried not to show his disappointment. That’s what he had expected, after all. He made a good show of neutrality. She might have been convinced if she couldn't feel the ache behind his words.

“I did not say that,” she pinned him with a flat look.

His eyes widened. “Oh! Well. Then I will look forward to discussing this with you further,” he grinned.

“Trip. Do you remember when you encouraged me to ask for things that I want because my needs and desires are important to you?”

He nodded a little sheepishly.

She looked at him pointedly. “You should remember I have a vested interest in your happiness.”

“Because a happy engineer is an efficient engineer?” he grinned cheekily as he used one of her old excuses against her.

“Because you are my mate, and I love you.”

He blinked rapidly for a second and squeezed her hand. “That’s a good reason. I love you too.”

Quietly they made their way down the street.

“Trip?”

“Hmm?”

“I will not consider a ‘honeymoon’ in Cargo Bay Three.”

His amusement washed over her in a warm wave, as pleasant and familiar as his scent in her nostrils, the cadence of his footsteps beside her, and the weight of his hand against her own.

“That’s ok. I've got my heart set on visiting Andoria, darlin’, and I know you’d do anything to make me happy,” he retaliated.

“Within reason,” she amended.

“Well, that’s all a guy can hope for, really. Can’t wait to see the look on my mama’s face when I tell her we’re together…”

#fic prompts #star trek enterprise #trip x t'pol #tripol #fic #my fic #asks #I know it’s schmoopy #idgaf #trip tucker #t’pol

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transhawks · 1 year

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But Who Can Stand Before Jealousy?

Dabi being jealous of Shouto getting Endeavor's attention (even being aware of the abuse and trauma he's faced) and Dabi acknowledging his father's abusive relationship and treatment of the entire family can coexist. Sometimes abuse survivors aren't perfectly rational and crave validation and acknowledgment from their abusers. Sometimes they get jealous of someone who had a very different type of abuse and trauma because they consider their neglect to be more painful, and yes, sometimes they compare traumas.

Abuse screws you up and I think we can discuss Dabi understanding the systemic/societal issues that lead to his father being unaccountable and knowing that he grew up in a very toxic and abusive household while acknowledging he has ugly feelings of jealousy towards Shouto and outright told him that he'll never amount to anything despite how lucky he is to be what Endeavor wanted. Do these sentiments seem to conflict? Yes!

But something called cognitive dissonance exists. Most people have it. Dabi, as a multi-faceted character, can show that a lot of his ideals don't actually work with his desires and feelings, which is very much how most people work, and people who are mentally ill and traumatized more so.

Additionally, the way the manga should solve this is not by allowing the rift and competition for Enji's attention to be validated by the narrative. I never liked the idea that Enji has to choose between his children because it perpetuates the issue and a golden child and scapegoat dynamic.

Enji choosing a child over the other will just solidify the idea that 1. Parental love needs to competed for 2. Dabi was right to feel jealous of Shouto and see him as an usurper 3. Also make Enji's prior abuse and pitting of his kids against each other kind of feel validated.

But we are then at a loss for how to make Dabi feel seen and wanted, when so much of his anger is at having been usurped as the apple of his father's eye.

Meanwhile, the manga has been building up another confrontation between Keigo and Touya. More on this from me later, but I think Hawks attacking Touya and vice versa provides a chance for Enji to still make that active choice of choosing Touya over his career/coworkers/hero cause, but not having to choose between his sons.

Because Touya needs to feel that sort of love from Enji in order to even heal, but you can't heal by opening other wounds. Shouto has never been a willing participant in this fight between Touya and Enji and it's unfair to build off him like this.

Hawks and Endeavor are shown to be close for coworkers (Enji definitely thinks of him favorably) even if Hawks's admiration or parasocial fixation on Endeavor are very different from what Endeavor likely sees (a very supportive coworker). Dabi's sense of reality is skewed enough that he might see the 'closeness' as more examples of his father choosing everyone over him, especially shiny prodigies good heroes like Keigo. I don't know what else Dabi could be referring to a precious thing in the battlefield if he's not able to give Shouto as a souvenir.

Please remember that Dabi doesn't believe his father gives a damn about him more than being horrified at what he's become. Enji has never stated it to him since the reveal that he loves him and wants him back. While Dabi is suicidal, it's a mistake to think he's referring to immolating himself.

Hawks in this scenario represents the hero society Dabi hates - a false golden idol filled with the same muck as the villains, and essentially everything his father would have wanted him to aspire to. The two attacking each other has a symbolic weight. Like I said, there's also a lot to be said about jealousy in the Touya-Keigo dynamic, but that's not what this post is about.

Simply put, Endeavor will not have to choose between Touya and Shouto. That doesn't solve the conflict. Horikoshi's setting up a way for Endeavor to start to make up for his emotional abuse and neglect of his son without throwing more of his family under the bus, and it'd only worsen the situation if the story makes Endeavor choose between his kids.

#bnha 376 #just something quick #dabi #shouto #todorokis #endeavor tw #meta

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zoeykallus · 2 years

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Bad Batch x f!Reader - Fight And Make Up Again HC's

Warnings: Sugeestive / Partly Smut 18 +

________

It's not always peace and quiet, even with the guys from The Bad Batch. It's quite normal that you clash at some point. So I asked myself how that would happen and thought about it a bit. Tech is surprisingly naughty by the way.

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Hunter: is not easily rattled, there are a few trigger topics that definitely draw him out, among them are things that concern Omega's safety and of course yours, otherwise arguments he participates in with you are rather teasing and harmless in nature. Little jibes that are fun and that you both can exchange without hurting the other.

However, if you really clash, for whatever reason, he will most likely be the first to give in and try to react reasonably. Especially since he perceives your emotional state much more intensely than anyone else and he can hardly bear it when you feel something negative.

He will be the first to regain his composure, try to meet you halfway and apologize. However, he also expects you to be accommodating and reasonable, as a diva you have very bad cards with him, that doesn't last long.

Hunter is not necessarily the type for make up sex, really heated arguments he takes way too much to heart, he will practically beg you to cuddle with him. He will, if you let him, snuggle up to you for hours, but no one said that make up cuddling shouldn't or can't lead to sex ;)

Echo: It's damn hard to argue with him, at least for you. He doesn't get rattled and is way too devoted to you to get mad at you. He adores you.

The only thing you always clash about is Echo's excessive caution. He insists that you always buckle up when Tech flies, he shields you from anything even remotely dangerous, as if you were a toddler. This can get quite exhausting and frustrating.

However, Echo is a sub through and through as far as you are concerned, he will automatically ask for forgiveness when you get mad (he still doesn't stop caring and protecting you), he can't stand your anger. He will take your hand and kiss your fingers, ask you how he can appease your anger.

You could now take advantage of the situation, ask him for sexual favors, don't worry, he doesn't feel taken advantage of, he actually goes for it. Little tip, ask him to lick out your pussy, in this particular situation, he'll go the extra mile. If you ride him afterwards, he's practically in heaven.

A few minutes later: "You should buckle up, mesh'la, Tech's at the wheel".

Wrecker: It's almost impossible to argue with him. He doesn't get mad, at least not at you, you have to get really super mean for him to get really angry. So it's very unlikely that he'll ever really get mad at you.

That he might accidentally piss you off is probably more likely, but he'll never do that on purpose, he doesn't like to argue at all, especially not with you. He apologizes without making a big fuss, he is sincerely sorry if he upsets you.

He likes the idea of make-up sex though, he sometimes teases you jokingly to suggest make-up sex. He'll make you mad, but not like really mad, just a tiny bit.

"Come on,Cyare, wrap your gorgeous thighs around my head, your man wants to lick out your sweet honey pot".

Tech: Discussing with Tech is exhausting. He just knows too much, the problem is he's aware of it, but knowing a lot doesn't mean you're always right, but that's what Tech thinks. He has a hard time allowing anyone else's opinion, even yours. He needs proven facts for everything. This can be frustrating and may well lead to an argument or two.

Tech doesn't like to argue, it's much more of a stubborn discussion he has and he likes to throw all kinds of info around in the process. When he is in the right, which is most of the time, he is relatively smug about it.

Since you don't like to argue in front of the others, you've retreated to a quiet corner. And if you are lucky, he is in a special bold mood right now. Because it happens that he likes to play games from time to time, especially when he was right, he likes to savour it. He takes off his cod piece and looks at you insinuatingly.

"Time for you to apologize, don't you think?"

It's worth getting on your knees and giving him the pleasure, because he returns the favor very attentively and thoroughly every time.

Crosshair: is a bit more complicated. He doesn't necessarily avoid confrontation and likes to be a bit provocative, but he doesn't really like to argue at all. He likes to grumble, but arguing isn't really his thing. In fact, he tends to avoid situations of conflict, reacts a bit like a defiant teenager, and when he realizes that it's going to be unpleasant, he gets snotty and backs off.

You should not expect a direct apology. If he has misbehaved and is aware of it, he will rather seek your physical closeness, his touches will be gentle, he will give you kisses that he usually does not give out, gentle cheeks and forehead kisses, his way of saying sorry without really saying anything.

Make-up sex? Sure, what did you think? This is Crosshair we're talking about. But don't think just because he was wrong, now you get to play the dominant role in bed, he won't give it up without a fight.