i feel like there is so much to be said about drizzt do’urden’s religious views and how he’s a stand-in for culturally christian atheists. he grew up in a corrupt religious society and has religious trauma, so as a result he views all religion as bad. at first it seems like he’s going to have a “pagan finds jesus” story but he eventually rejects mielikki too, and imo, it always felt out of character that he followed her in the first place so i wasn’t surprised when he changed his mind. he was looking for a name to label his preexisting system of ideals, which feels very much like christians who claim “all that matters is that you live by the bible and live in a godly manner”. many religions are about teachings and traditions as much as they are about “just being a good person and following god’s vibes” (which i feel like is INCREDIBLY standard in american protestantism)

i think a lot of it comes down to the fact that the forgotten realms (and a lot of fantasy tbh) treats the gods as just Very Powerful People instead of the forces of nature personified (and again this is to be expected from a christian culture, where jesus was Just A Guy)

pac: what makes you UNIQUE?

22222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 *+°

one

you have a remarkable ability to remain balanced. no matter what happens, positive or negative, you operate from a place of neutrality. you are neither impulsive nor impatient, you understand and appreciate the value of hard work & endurance. you have excellent resilience, and you are not afraid to get your hands dirty, so to speak… you recognize that you are the only person who can take yourself to where you want to go. you are a truth seeker, you see things clearly. you don’t let others’ doubt cloud your clear mindset. i’m also hearing “don’t take no for an answer.” i feel that you handle rejection very well. you recognize that one closed door simply leads to another opportunity. you welcome new beginnings and aren’t afraid of change. this pile is very independent. your belief in yourself and faith in the universe is unmatched. i believe this pile is highly protected & very in touch with divinity… earth angel vibes. whatever seeds you are planting at/around this time will sprout beautifully in the next few months… big or small. there is an energy of emerging victory present. stay true to yourself & remain authentic. the world needs it. you know your shadow traits and you keep them in check. it may spook the people around you because they never see you step into a negative energy, giving them the impression that you do no wrong. this energy cracks me up bc it’s so calm & assured… you’ve been this way your whole life so you don’t recognize it as special but these traits are indeed unique, embrace it.

two

ok this group has lots of messages coming through, the last pile was more straight forward. so i see that you have big dreams, especially related to finances, or it could be that you have a strong emotional desire for family or some sort of stability or support. you definitely have star quality, whatever financial aspirations that you have can be achieved if you believe in yourself & plan accordingly. if you try to cut corners or achieve things quickly you will almost certainly run into obstacles. universe is really emphasizing the importance of patience & planning. i’m seeing that you are an EXTREMELY creative individual and your creativity needs to become the primary focus. i’m getting the energy of someone who’s thinking too far ahead into the future. success will come but what are you doing right now to ensure that success? i’m seeing that these thoughts abt success/finances may stem from self-worth issues. i recommend really putting in the work to develop your solar plexus chakra bc that will 100% help you get to where you want to be. in order to have this success you need to believe that you are truly worthy of it and this reading suggests that you may not [unconsciously] believe that. i definitely believe that you are meant to be a star, at any age, but you have to believe it too.

three

what makes you unique? you’re showing up as the magician, which says a lot. it’s also showing up here with the high priestess so i’m definitely going to say that you are a witch or mystic of some kind… even if you don’t practice. you just give off that energy. i’m seeing that people don’t know whether to love or hate you lol. it’s like they find you inspiring but they also put themselves in competition against you… weird. you may deal with a lot of weirdness from people… inconsistent behavior, oddities, things that just can’t be explained. this has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them and how they choose to react to your energy. i’m seeing that people try to compare themselves to you but they’re only able to perceive a percentage of who you are. it’s like they’re comparing 100% of themselves when they really only see abt 20% of you lol… not a rational thing to do. but that’s just it, these people aren’t thinking with their rational minds. 2222. you have a strong sexual presence as well, i think it’s very easy for people to idealize/sexualize you. you may find fantasy creation to be a problem inside your relationships bc people just can’t receive the real you. it’s very easy for people to perceive themselves to be inadequate when in your presence. i think you’re aware of this on some level and you intuitively know to stay away from such people. i think you have an incredibly powerful auric field and you consciously or unconsciously carry the weight of that. you may perceive it to be a burden bc it’s challenging for you to make quality connections, or even just navigate normal social situations. things won’t always be this way, but i think it’s important that you learn the lessons from these situations bc the lesson is the most important thing. i also have to say this: if you are manifesting a romantic relationship with someone, it will happen, but not when you expect it. it will be with a king of pentacles character— someone established and well off financially.

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Romitri - Rose / Dimitri - Vampire Academy - Season 1 - Ep 8

Welcome to my Meta for episode 8 of Season 1 of Vampire Academy on Peacock! If you’d like to catch up:

Episodes 1-5 Meta

Episode 6 Meta

Episode 7 Meta

SPOILER ALERT: I will spoil absolutely everything. So, reader beware. I haven’t yet read the books, so feel free to fill in the blanks, if you like!

All set? Great! Let’s dive in.

The Trials

Talk about a name of an episode having a million meanings. Yes, obviously there’s the Royal Trials. But there’s also the trial of Romitri, of Dragonzera, of Dimitri’s faith, of Rose’s resolve, and of how far a person is willing to go for what they want.

Look, coming into this episode, I was ready for bad. Like, really bad.

I actually predicted the “big minute 41 twist” based on telegraphing earlier in the season, and it was actually more tame than I expected. I knew this episode was going to hurt. And it did. Did it hurt so good? Or just burn away the last shreds of hope? Let’s dive in to find out.

“I’ll have another.”

We find Rose at the bar, the camera paying special attention to her Molnija mark... a mark left permanently on her flesh by the blood of her friend, and the ink of her almost-lover.

Rose is drinking away her sorrows. But her imagination is getting away with her, along with her liquor. Mason’s the one to find her and carry her out of there. She holds onto him as they go.

Now, I’ve seen some people compare this to Dimitri carrying her home. There are some parallels, sure. I think this week we’re going to see Rose seeing Mason there for her when Dimitri isn’t, and even though she doesn’t love Mason, it’s enough for her to lean into him. He’s something stable when everything else in her life has gone to sh*t.

“Lately I’ve been feeling... unmoored. Have you ever doubted any of it? All of it?”

Dimitri is feeling lost, and repulsive as Tatiana is, we know that she is manipulating him. She’s presenting herself as a “kindred spirit”, as someone to whom he can relate. She wants him to share information with him. She wants him to open up. She wants to get something she can use against him or someone else. This is what she does.

But Dimitri doesn’t see it. Because right now he needs someone to anchor him in his faith, again.

Belief systems are tricky, and when you come up in a very restrictive one, any step out of line can feel like the most egregious sin. I can speak to this personally, and I find it so strange that much as I relate to Rose, there are moments I actually relate more to Dimitri.

Trust me, he’s lost. He’s faltering and flailing, and without the foundational functionality of his faith, he finds himself wondering who he is. Who is he without his structure? He honestly doesn’t know.

“But if faith were easy, it wouldn’t need to be practiced.”

It’s exactly what he needs to hear. He needs someone to help him feel rooted, again. Tatiana is an instrument in his convincing himself that he can go backwards. He needs to believe that he can separate himself from Rose, that he can move on as before, that he can still be the golden boy.

Because a part of him needs this.

He needs the rigidity to convince himself he’s a good person. Dimitri’s faith and life negate the acceptance of gray. You’re either a good soldier or might as well be Strigoi.

Tatiana is filling a space in his life right now. We all know what she truly is. We all know what she wants, ultimately. But, he can’t see it, right now. Because she is what he needs her to be in this moment—a voice of reason. Or so he believes.

Rose Takes Off After Dimitri

Besides the convenience of Plot, I have no idea what Dimitri is doing over in this area, especially just strolling around, but Rose loses her thoughts when she sees him. She wants to talk to him.

And Meredith and Mason are so aware that something’s up. They’re both annoyed with Rose for taking off in the middle of something important.

But Dimitri is important, too.

And she wants to talk to him. But by the time she gets out there, he’s gone. It’s so indicative of where they are right now. They can’t even be together in the safety of the sun. She can see him through the glass, but she can’t reach him. He’s unreachable to her, now.

Rose Runs from Lissa

You can tell which one hurt worse.

Look, I’m not saying she doesn’t love Dimitri, but Lissa was her ride-or-die best friend, and Lissa’s rejection hurt a thousand times worse. Lissa took away Rose’s agency by trying to protect her.

And as Meredith and Mason look to one another, it’s clear they want to know what’s going on with Rose. They’re all growing closer as the season goes on, but Rose is shutting everyone out. Everything hurts and she can’t reopen wounds right now.

“I know you don’t want to talk to me, but I’m not talking to anyone else, because you are still the person that I trust.”

I love how she knows his routes. She could just join him, and know exactly where he was going to be. It’s such a nice detail.

“There’s more going on around here than you think, including possible treason.”

She’s trying to appeal to him, to get him to listen to her, to get him to help her. But he’s riding on the high of Tatiana’s affirmation.

Look, when you have a belief system your entire life that you’ve woven into the core of your being, it’s hard to know who you are without it. It’s hard to know how to exist if it’s not the center, any longer.

I’ve seen it happen with many people who grew up in a belief system that was constricting and confining, but felt like a snug embrace. Breaking out of that is not easy and it’s not instant. Sometimes, people balk and push back against it.

That’s where Dimitri is right now. He’s pushing back against Rose and her challenging of everything he knows. He’s trying to burrow back into his belief.

“Come on! I know you think we shouldn’t be talking right now, but-” “It’s not what I think. It’s what has to be.”

And he really thinks he has a handle on it—control. He thinks that if he can cut her off like a bad drug, he’ll be fine and she’ll be fine. But, note how he stopped when she called him out. All it took was her tonal shift, and he totally stopped in his tracks.

“I’ve put you at risk. I’ve all but put Lissa at risk.”

He’s keeping his distance, not closing the space between them like he ordinarily would (even before they became snogging buddies). He’s trying to rationalize all the things he has done wrong. He thinks he has a sin to atone for. He thinks that what he’s done is unforgivable and he needs to somehow atone.

All he did was fall in love.

But love isn’t allowed. Not between Damphirs. It’s a fantasy.

“I recall. I was there making my own choices.”

Rose is the one to step forward, to eliminate a little of the distance between them, to try to remind him that she’s a capable woman and that he didn’t do anything to her. She had a choice at every turn.

Their first kiss was mostly her, for goodness sake. She never asked him to stop because she wanted it all. She was the one drawing him out to dance.

“Were you? The only reason you think you have a choice is because you were raised by a powerful Moroi family who pretended that you being a Damphir didn’t matter.”

Ouch. I think of Alexei and Eloise... Alexei was “an influential Royal” so they looked the other way. They were allowed to marry. They were allowed love. But the second Alexei was gone, Eloise went straight to the Communes. The reality that she was a Damphir never disappeared... it only dissipated so long as Alexei lived.

Dimitri is right, of course. He grew up in a completely different way. Angry as Rose is at her mother, she had the Dragomirs. Dimitri had a single mother in the Communes with younger sisters to take care of. He had abuse. He had trauma.

His faith was the anchor to get him through.

“Maybe if I’d had that, I’d believe that I could do anything, too. But I don’t.”

I don’t believe in myself. I don’t believe I have a choice. I don’t believe I can be trusted with choice.

He’s so lost. Dimitri is lost.

Remember his words from the last episode, “I shouldn’t have let this happen” in relations to Lissa and Adrian seeing the Heretic... as though that would have changed anything or taken away their Spirit Magic and the truth of their Saints. Somehow, Dimitri makes everything his fault.

It’s a special kind of trauma... and he’s digging deeper into it, now. Rose wants to smack him out of it, but there are talons hidden beneath the sinking sand that hook into Dimitri, tearing at him with every one of Rose’s well-meant tugs.

“All I have is this life and the faith that has helped me endure it.”

He never dreamt of another life... until Rose... until she showed him he could find joy in freedom. He accepted the life he’d been dealt, and after seeing the slip of control in a moment’s hesitation... he’s clinging hard to this life, for better or worse.

“I can’t lose that, Rose.”

But can you lose her? Can you really lose Rose completely and not be fractured forever?

The stupid man thinks he can push her away, that she’ll be fine, that he’ll be fine. He’s so busy rationalizing his sins that he’s forgotten how to feel. He’s acting on reason while she’s appealing to his heart that he’s locked away, tighter than ever.

He speaks to her as an equal, here, which is significant. But, he’s speaking to a wall as much as she is. Rose is all emotion, right now, despite trying to have a reasonable conversation.

“It’s not that I don’t want to help you. It’s that I can’t.”

He’s outlining a blueprint for survival and she’s aching for poetry. She steps a little closer, and he almost imperceptibly pulls back... away from the temptation. Away from everything he truly wants.

“This faith that you’re holding onto with a death grip is supporting an unfair system that is never going to change. Maybe you should be the one who does.” “I’m sorry. Am I interrupting something?”

F*ck off, Tatiana. But, the b*tch knows how to choose her moment.

Sorry, y’all, I’m really saucy about her. (and she is BRILLIANTLY written and performed) But, she was most definitely listening in, because if Dimitri was going to consider any of Rose’s words, it might have been this. Instead, he’s redirected to his anchor.

Remember, he’s feeling unmoored. He’s looking for an anchor... even if it sinks him to the depths and leaves him to drown. He’s not thinking that far ahead. He wants the same comfort and solace he sought at the altar after the death of his best friend—and he’s found it temporarily in Tatiana.

All by her design, of course, but Dimitri’s being a bit of a stupid boy at the moment.

“I came to watch you train. I want to see what I’m putting all my faith in.” “Faith in what? What for?”

Rose gives no sh*ts about Tatiana being a Royal. Remember, she grew up with the love of the Dragomirs, so she’s probably long been aware of Tatiana being a venomous snake. She has no need to show her respect, despite the societal norms that demand she should.

“Guardian Belikov has agreed to be my champion in the second trial, the trial by Proxy.”

Dimitri’s looking away. He knows Rose and he knows she isn’t going to like this.

But Rose doesn’t understand my faith so she doesn’t understand why I’d do this for Tatiana.

It’s “the othering” that Tatiana does so well. She does it with the Royals and she does it here with Dimitri. She’s great at separating people and creating divides. She’s trying to divide these two.

“He won’t beat Dimitri, but I can. I know how he thinks, how he moves. I understand him better than anyone. I will win this, so pick me.”

Rose can’t let Tatiana be Queen. Dimitri wasn’t there when she and the other Novices overheard Tatiana’s plans for Damphirs on the Royal Tour. And Dimitri won’t listen to her. As far as she’s concerned, he’s drunk the Duty Koolaid, especially if he’s going to back a sniveling, manipulative, abusive, madwoman like Tatiana.

And—let’s be honest—she wants to beat the sh*t out of him.

The Fight

Why the f*ck are there clowns? I mean, just why!? As someone who grew up terrified of the things... that was jarring and bizarre. Royals are into some kinky stuff, friends.

“When are you going to tell me what she did that hurt so much?” “I have a fight to prepare for.”

Rose is playing off that it’s just Lissa that’s got her off, but we all know it’s Lissa and Dimitri that’s got her off her game. And Rose doesn’t tell these things to Mason.

Because, despite it all, Dimitri is still the one she trusts.

And I feel for Mason because he is all-in as far as Rose is concerned. He’s the one helping her get ready for the fight. He really is being there for her this entire episode in a selfless way. It’s very sweet, but your heart breaks for the kid because we all know that at worst, he’s the one she settles for. And he deserves to be with someone who sees him as he sees her.

“And Lord Dashkov has selected Novice Rose Hathaway.”

This is the first time Dimitri’s hearing this. Up until this moment, he’s been in a Rose-free headspace, prepared to fight for Faith and what’s right against whoever Victor chose. Choosing Rose has thrown a wrench in Dimitri’s plans for the night. Shrouded in darkness, he turns around to see her—completely still, bathed in red like blood.

Lissa looks to Christian in surprise. She didn’t see this coming, and last she knew these two were an item. Now they’re going to fight?

Dimitri tries to take a steadying breath, but this is his worst nightmare. For the sake of duty, he needs to harm the woman he loves.

F*ck duty.

“What are you doing here?”

Rose looks over to Tatiana who gives her a measured look. Tatiana didn’t expect this.

“I’m here to beat some sense into you.”

Not her. Do what you need to do. Do your duty. But if you’re going to do this, you need to understand the monster you’re doing it for.

Dimitri once said he wouldn’t bet against Rose Hathaway. I’m hoping everyone here who was betting was smart enough to bet on her.

Look, I know some have said, “Rose needs this fight”. But this is different. It’s not that simple. Yes, she wants to beat the crap out of him. Yes, she’s hurting. But she also needs to convince herself that he’s not her person anymore.

If he does hit duty, here, she can finally let go of him in her heart, right? She can finally see him as irredeemable. She can finally embrace Mason without feeling guilty.

And Rose throws the first blow, taking him off-guard.

They battle. They move. They grab one another’s chins, trying to gain control of the moment.

“Tatiana Vogel is everything I hate about this place.” “I do what I’m told.” “Right. Your fucking duty.”

Rose is raw, but she is trying to make a point. And he’s missing it. He’s clinging so hard to what makes sense to him that he’s failing to see how none of it actually makes sense. He’s convinced himself that it does.

“Why are you doing this?” “Apparently, it’s the only way you’ll listen.”

He’s horrified, here. Remember, his worst fear is that he’s a violent menace like his father. Rose hasn’t considered that when she decided to do this—or if she has, she’s pushed it so far out of her mind as to think her actions are justified.

But this is sending him spiraling worse than before while she’s trying so hard to pull him to steady ground.

“You want me to stop? Win.”

And there it is. Do your duty. If he does his duty, then it proves he’s too far gone... that she can let go. Do your duty.

“You’re taking it easy on me.” “Or maybe you’re just that good.” “Bullshit.”

This throws me back to the Benchmarks, when Mason told her that Dimitri went easy on her. And then Dimitri told her he was going to come harder for her the next time. She’s looking for the holes. She’s looking for justification. She’s looking for something to make the pain stop as much as he is.

He thinks he can anchor to Tatiana and find peace in his prayers. She thinks she can untether from Dimitri and find release in her wrists.

They’re both thinking past one another instead of working together, and we know that they need each other more than they know. They’re both spiraling in their separate cyclones, too scared and stupid to reach out and steady one another.

“What kind of champion refuses to fight?” “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He grabs onto her face, demonstrating the real control he could wield over her... He’s capable of it. He keeps it at bay. He keeps it locked up. He banishes it. But he is trying to make the point and get through to her.

But he touches a nerve instead.

“It’s too late.”

He has hurt her. He’s gutted her in ways she didn’t know she could still hurt after losing the Dragomirs and dealing with all the other sh*t of her life.

“Your honor as a champion is on the line here, comrade. Come on. Our duty won’t let us be together? Then do your fucking duty.”

She’s taunting him, pushing him, enticing him to fight. But that last bit touches a nerve. It hurts. It aches. It burns. And it bursts out of him before he can wrestle it back. He hits her with an uppercut, sending her flying and Tatiana cheering.

He’s watching Rose hurt... suffer... struggle. And somehow the physical act has finally broken through his understanding. I hurt her. Yes, you did, Dimitri. And Tatiana is cheering you on, applauding your efforts, as you hurt the woman you love.

Dimitri breaks.

He completely breaks. He closes his eyes and accepts his fate as she comes for him. Because he will accept whatever punishment she dolls out. He will allow whatever she wishes to make this right.

I deserve this.

He truly believes it. And he thinks that he can atone for it right here and now instead of working through the muck, instead of putting in the effort, instead of fighting for what’s good and right in the world. Because everything he believes and understands is tethered to a system of oppression and abuse that he’s embraced as gospel.

And it’s something that happens so often to trauma victims, especially those with childhood trauma. We sometimes grab onto something that gives us structure without realizing it’s constricting us, tightening around us like a serpent ready to snap.

“That’s what I thought.”

And Rose is so wrapped in her own pain that she doesn’t see his. Doesn’t realize it’s breaking him. She sees the man who hurt her and not the man who is also hurting.

The bell is rung. She’s won the fight. But it’s not enough for Rose. She wants him to fight her. She wants him to give her that excuse she needs to finally let him go. She’s pent up on anger, aggression, and heartache.

“Fight back!”

But he won’t fight her. He can’t. He won’t.

Because in this moment he chose Rose.

And he will always choose Rose... even when she can’t see it.

He shakes his head... he’s not fighting her.

She hits him. And hits him. And it finally hits her that she’s going too far. All eyes are on her... and on the beating she’s giving a fellow Damphir.

Lissa looks to Mason, as does Meredith. Mason can only mouth, “I don’t know.”

Because nobody knows. Rose doesn’t talk about these things. She doesn’t talk about her hurt. She doesn’t talk about her pain. If she had a person, Dimitri was that person... and her person is the one currently on the ground bleeding... and she’s the one who put him there.

“You’re a fucking mess, Rose.”

Poor Mason. He is being a good friend. And he deeply cares about her. And she does need help, whether she wants it or not. And he’s smart enough to realize he’s not the one to give it.

“I came to apologize. I should not have begun that fight knowing there was no way I could do what I had to do to win.”

Technically, Rose started that fight when you still wanted to talk. But, there it is. You knew you couldn’t purposefully hurt Rose. You couldn’t do it.

It’s not that I don’t want to... It’s that I can’t. His own words come back around in reverse. He wanted to do what he needed to... but he couldn’t... because it was Rose.

“My value here has been... compromised.”

He thinks he isn’t valuable. He thinks he’s broken. He thinks he can’t do the job. He can’t do his duty.

He’s so bloody broken.

And I get this. I get growing up with childhood trauma and internalizing it... thinking that everything is your fault because it has to be. It has to be you who caused the problem because you know you were the problem as a child, so you have to be the problem as an adult.

You’re the failure. You’re the problem. You screwed up. You did it wrong.

What’s wrong with you? How could you do this?

The negative self talk is deafening and damning. He’s so f*cking lost.

“You’re in love with that girl, aren’t you?”

I don’t think Tatiana realized it until now. And Dimitri knows it, but can’t verbalize it. That would be another sin.

But the look he gives her is so close to the one he gave Alberta when she called him out on the “extra training” he’d been giving Rose. He’s caught. The other person is right. Damnit.

“But you can’t be with her without sacrificing the duty you pledged to the Saints. So you’ve chosen not to be with her at all.”

Tatiana is, once again, acting as his anchor. She calls out “the Saints” specifically, pulling him closer toward the Faith and further away from Rose. She knows what she’s doing. He’s vulnerable and broken, and she’s preying on him.

He needs an anchor. And she knows it. She makes him feel wanted and seen without having to compromise his beliefs. She’s giving him an out... and he’s so broken that he takes it.

Because he needs this anchor to justify everything he’s ever been... because Rose challenges everything he’s ever known and believed.

Dimitri chains himself to the anchor as it drags him down... because he wants the safety of direction without taking into account the true costs to his soul.

And as they kiss, he can’t even touch her. Because it’s not about love. It’s about feeling something with someone who knows the proper order of things and can offer him absolution for his sins. He feels... seen and validated. Like, all the sacrifices he’s making are the right ones, and that his Faith is justified.

And he’s so lost, wafting in the wind without a direction. And this woman comes along with a familiar song that he’s heard a thousand times, and he listens to the siren who sings him to his doom because the tune is familiar and stirs in him something that resembles who he believes himself to be—righteous and true.

Never mind his true sins are on display, for his pride and stubbornness are blocking him from true happiness with the woman he truly loves.

“We both need to find our way without each other.”

As Dimitri sacrifices a part of his soul to find perceived absolution, Rose cuts off a part of hers in an act of self-preservation.

“I have to be loyal to myself for a change. I have to make my life count.”

And Rose finally lets Mason in a little. And it hurts. It aches. Because she’s doing the same thing as Dimitri, right now. She’s looking for someone who doesn’t make it hurt more. She’s looking for someone who makes her feel justified, someone who makes her feel like she doesn’t have to change, someone who won’t expect her to be anything more than she is.

But that’s the dance of Dimitri and Rose... they make each other better. Dimitri helps Rose to be more disciplined and to consider her actions. Rose helps Dimitri to set aside his rigidity and actually live and enjoy life a little.

They draw one another out in the best and worst ways, but growth is often intertwined with pain, because we don’t want to move out of our comfort zone. Dimitri and Rose are magnets, but to get to one another, they both have to move out of their comfort zones. Right now, they’re both desperate for them.

They’re both looking for someone else, right now, who can make it hurt a little less. And that’s what sucks for poor Mason, because he’s all-in. And Rose is trying to convince herself that she is, too.

And Dimitri is trying to convince himself that he was right and Rose is wrong, and that his Faith is enough to carry him through. But, he’s so blind in his agony that he’s oblivious to Tatiana’s true intentions.

I see a lot of people saying, how could you!? to Dimitri... and while I think his choice is abhorrent, he’s completely broken, right now. He wants to feel something besides the pain of losing Rose, the fear of his own faltering faith, and the darkness that he’s worked so hard to keep at bay.

Dimitri is digging in his heels.

And Rose is running away.

They’re so opposite and yet so the same. Stubborn to the core. And, we can only hope that someday these two realize what we already know—they’re so much better together.

WOW, I got this one out a lot faster than expected. But, I saw some abuse of Kieron Moore, and I think that spurred it on. Look, these actors are crushing it, but they aren’t responsible for their character’s choices. I’ve read the articles from Kieron about his struggles with the scene. He was honest. He was earnest. He worked hard to understand what would drive Dimitri there even as he’s shaking his head at the guy.

And I have a real big problem with abusing actors. I grew up on film sets. I grew up around young stars. I saw them go from actors nobody knew to international sensations, and I saw how their lives changed, for better or worse. These actors aren’t responsible for their character’s choices and don’t deserve any criticism or vitriol for what their characters do.

Alright, I’ll get off the soap box, now. It just really strikes a nerve.

As always, thank you for reading. Stay tuned for more angst and heartbreak next week courtesy of our favorite forbidden lovers who are too stubborn for their own good.

🚨Good Omens 2 Spoilers !!!!!!!!!

The ending of Good Omens 2 may have killed me but it was truly the best way this season could have ended and now I’m going to ramble about it so if you haven’t seen it yet, look away.

There’s a specific line that Crowley says to Aziraphale that stuck out to me:

‘I understand a whole lot better than you do.’

And it’s this that’s so important to the ending imo. Because Crowley has been where Aziraphale is, he’s had this trust and faith in heaven and he’s seen the faults in it and he’s seen and experienced exactly what happens when these faults are called out. He knows the whole system isn’t as perfect or as well organised or as moral as it claims to be but he only knows this because of what he’s been through, Aziraphale hasn’t!

When Crowley tells him ‘when heaven ends life here on earth it’ll be just as dead as if hell had ended it’ he is literally telling him that there is no good side and bad side, and that what Azirpahale has so much faith in, is not what he thinks it is and certainly not something worth throwing their relationship and freedom away for.

Aziraphale sees it as an opportunity to grow and Crowley knows it’s all just a trap.

Aziraphale, however, needs to learn these things on his own, it’s not enough to just witness it happen to Crowley, he needs to remove those rose tinted glasses himself. This naivety is what makes him such a devastating character and is what makes his relationship to Crowley so much more painful because, he doesn’t even realise that the heaven he’s choosing isn’t even real. His version of it is practically a myth at this point and his belief that he can make a difference is so unbelievably naive that even Crowley knows there’s nothing he can say that’s going to show Aziraphale the truth and hopelessness of the situation.

Which is why the kiss is such a huge moment, Crowley couldn’t have wanted that to be their first kiss, he couldn’t have wanted that to be the way it happened after 6000 years of dancing around it, but he had no choice at that point, it was an act of desperation to just plead with Aziraphale to choose him and see what they’re about to lose and an act of anger because why the fuck is Aziraphale not choosing him? After everything they’ve been through Crowley is understandably angry that Aziraphale wouldn’t choose him and for once, angry at his naivety. He’s angry and upset and desperate and it was so beautifully written because when Aziraphale says ‘I forgive you’, it’s clear that they both know that this wasn’t how it was supposed to happen, they both know it was never supposed to be a bargaining chip, and yet here they are, there’s nothing they can do to fix it now, things just have to play out however they do and when Crowley says ‘don’t bother’ it’s so defeated because he’s exhausted everything he could’ve used to convince Aziraphale and it still wasn’t enough.

Crowley’s character is so tragic because he’s not as blissfully ignorant to the realities of heaven as Aziraphale is. I think if we do get a season 3 Aziraphale’s character arc will be insane, if we watch him figure out the faults of heaven and lose that part of himself that has always believed in the good of heaven, I can’t imagine what it will do to him, would he become spiteful ? Depressed ? Vengeful ? Would he choose to be wilfully ignorant this time? Would he even be recognisable? His purity and innocence is so integral to who he is as a character but it also has the potential to be his downfall.

I just loved this ending so much, it was so painful and so beautiful and just absolutely perfect.

15 African Gods and Goddesses You Should Know - Myth Nerd

Africa is easily one of the most diverse and beautiful places on our planet, but it’s not exactly as popular as other tourist destinations around the world. 

Whenever you think of “Africa”, you most likely think of lions, elephants, and the endless stretches of jungles, filled to the brim with venomous creatures that can’t be found anywhere else on this planet.

But while Africa does have an abundance of those elements, it also has a ton of beautifully diverse people and cultures that have lived amongst each other for thousands of years now.

As such, the more you look at it, the more interesting these African cultures get, as their religious beliefs are very different from ours. While ours are more so based around a unified belief in a supreme deity, theirs are a lot more closely related to the human life and their daily treads.

There are thousands upon thousands of cultures to explore here, to the point where you could actually spend your whole life researching everything that Africa has in store for you and you’d still fail to capture it in its entirety.

So, for today’s article we decided to bring you a quick rundown of 15 African Gods and Goddesses that are going to show you just how interesting this part of the world can really be.

But before we do that how about we give you a little introduction to African Mythology, starting off with:

How Many African Gods Are There?

The Pantheon of Orishas, a belief system that is mostly followed by the Yoruba people, is a group of divine spirits that was created by the supreme god Olodumare.

While there is no actual official number of gods that can be found in this pantheon though, there is an interesting notion around it which states that there are 400+1 Orishas around.

This is because that number is an incomprehensible number for the Yoruba people, which in turn implies that there are an infinite number of gods in this pantheon.

Some recollections tell us that there are as many as 700, 900 or even 1,440 Orishas around. The reason as to why there is a +1 Orisha in that list is because the +1 is meant to represent the extra one you didn’t account for, or the one that you never even considered in the first place.

As such, it is meant to represent that there will always be more Orishas than you think, and while you can try to count them one by one you will always fall short before reaching the final number.

Is Yoruba the Definitive African Religion?

There is no official African religion out there, and that is because there are countless cultures and practices that are spread all across the continent.

Instead, we can refer to the Yoruba religion as its most popular religion simply due to how widespread it is.

The Yoruba religion originated from Nigeria, where it starts off small but it soon picked up traction, becoming a faith where its followers can address the gods and goddesses through their complex oral traditions which they pass down from generation to generation.

Important Themes in African Mythology

By far the most important theme that we need to mention about the Yoruba religion is the idea of Animism. This simply refers to the fact that everything, and we do mean everything, possesses some sort of spiritual essence within it.

So, you should never disrespect anything because chances are, they are controlled by the Orishas and disrespecting them is akin to disrespecting the Orisha gods.

The second most important theme that we can attribute to the Yoruba religion and culture is the idea behind reincarnation. This belief has been with the Yoruba religion for many generations now, and it refers to the idea that deceased family members will be reborn as babies after their passing.

This is why you will often times find Yoruba people named after their departed parents or grandparents in case they look alike. If they share the same likeness, they will be called something like “Babatunde” which pretty much just translates to “father returns” or Yetunde” or “mother returns”.

Now that we are accustomed to the most popular religion in Africa, let’s just talk about the 15 Gods and Goddesses that we have in store for you today, starting off with:

1. Oshun

Interestingly enough, Oshun was actually not that popular in western media until a while ago, when Beyonce mentioned her in her Lemonade music video. That is when people started to do their research about the Goddess, shining light on this Yoruba deity for the first time in the states.

But who exactly is Oshun? Well, she is the Goddess of sweet and freshwaters. The reason for this is because she is most often times depicted admiring her own beauty in the water.

She is known for healing the sick with ease, fostering prosperity and better yet, for making infertile couples fertile.

Most of the times she is actually showcased as a beautiful and coquettish young lady, and her name specifically translates to sweetness, joy, beauty and good times.

2. Ajé Shaluga

Ajé Shaluga is the god that represents money and treasures. Most of the time they are depicted as both a male and a female orisha, and their followers are always thanking them for providing them with fair wages and plenty of work opportunities to keep their families fed and happy.

If you ever need a job as a Yoruba follower, you just need to pray to Ajé Shaluga and they will grant you your wishes. While this Orisha is not one of the most popular or powerful gods around, Ajé Shaluga still has a decent following due to them being associated with happiness, stability and spiritual wealth.

If you wish to give Ajé Shaluga an offering, all you need to do is you need to grab a handful of fresh fruit, pigeons, necklaces made out of coins and shells and flowers and you need to leave them at one of their altars.

3. Bumba

Also commonly referred to as Mbombo, Bumba is actually the creator god of the Kuba people from Central Africa.

It is said that Bumba vomited the universe during its inception, creating the sun then drying up the water on Earth creating the land. Bumba didn’t stop there though as he also vomited up the sun, the night and nine animals in total.

These nine animals are the original inhabitants of Earth, and out of several combinations came humanity.

Bumba himself however is represented as a giant white-colored humanoid creature. He is most often times showcased sick, since he did vomit up the Earth back in the day.

4. Eshu

The idea of having a trickster god may sound like something made up by the Nordics, but African cultures weren’t all that far off from this concept either since they had Eshu right around the corner.

Eshu, also commonly referred to as Elegba, is the Trickster god of the Pantheon. He is pretty much just a benevolent version of Loki, as he goes around not trying to stir up problems but instead just enjoying life, more so playing the role of a messenger between the realm of spirits and mankind.

If you do actually spot him and decide not to give him an offering, he is definitely going to play tricks on you, but for the most part he just wants to have fun and be left to his own whims instead.

He does require tobacco offerings though, but once you do receive his blessing you are pretty much set for life.

5. Ogun

Regardless of which mythology you look at, chances are that there is always a master of iron right around the corner, ready to bring the gods the weapons and armor that they don during the final days.

West Africa is anything but peaceful, as war can break out at any point between tribes, which is why steel is a more useful keeper of peace than words will ever be.

And when steel becomes your only means of protection, it isn’t too uncommon to find gods based around the armory for the warriors to pray to.

This is where Ogun comes in. He is known as the Giver of Iron or the Warrior God of War for many. He is the best weapon wielder in the Orisha. He is the one that protects the Yoruba people from dangers and more specifically, the one that helps bless their weapons before they set out for war.

6. Oya

Oya is by far one of the most ferocious and protective gods that the Yoruba pray to. She is often times referred to as the Goddess of wind, thunderbolt and fire, and she is by far the most feared goddess in the pantheon.

This isn’t to say that she mistreats her followers, quite the contrary actually, but it is something to keep in mind if you choose to pray to her.

Whenever she shows up, she is usually accompanied by her husband, Shango, the God of Storms. The two walk together as their thunderstorms destroy everything in sight.

7. Shango

While modern people look at the roar of the thunder and they don’t think much of it, back in ancient times, this thunder would have been a sign that the gods’ wrath was coming down from the heavens, punishing the pagans that took the gods’ name in vain.

This wrath was represented by Shango, the bringer of thunder, as he would showcase the true power of the Gods through his own wrath and fury.

He is also the god of masculinity and strength, with many people comparing him to the Greek God Zeus or the Norse God Thor.

He actually has three different wives, Oshun, Oya and Oba, and he is often times depicted with either one of them or all three being by his side.

8. Ala

Igbo is one of the oldest African religions around, with Ala being one of their oldest and most popular goddesses.

Her name literally translates to “Earth”, which is meant to indicate that she is the creator of our planet and the one that controls its every move.

She is the goddess of fertility, morality, creativity and land, and she is often times seen next to Amadioha, her husband and the God of the Sky.

She is actually often times honored and celebrated by the Igbo people, especially so during the yearly yam festival.

You should never take her name in vain as if you dare to disrespect her, she will convince her husband to stop the rain from coming down, causing the people to suffer tremendously because of it.

9. Oshun

We all know that no matter which religion you look into, chances are that they consider rivers to be a benevolent gift from the gods.

When it comes to the Yoruba people, Oshun is the one most commonly referred to as the Goddess of Rivers, but besides this she is also often times known as the Lifeblood of the Niger River and the mother of all rivers.

She is actually Shango’s favorite wife, and she is one of the most important Orishas that you need to know about in the Yoruba pantheon.

She is also often times associated with fertility and childbirth, and it is said that she is the one that gives mothers the ability to do everything in their power to protect their children from dangers.

10. Oduda

Oduda is the goddess of prostitution that is worshipped by the North-West African people. These are the Benin, Yoruba and Dahomey tribes, and despite the fact that prostitution is considered to be a taboo by most modern people, it is often times cited as a necessity by these tribes.

Her name translates to “The Black One”, and she is most often times showcased as a serpent. The reason as to why she is the goddess of prostitution is because that is the most common practice in the Caribbean Islands.

11. Obatala

Often times referred to as the “Child of God”, Obatala is known as the kindest god in the pantheon, even though they are seen a lot of the times next to their father, the powerful Olorun.

Interestingly enough, Obatala was never actually stated as being a male or a female god, they are pretty much androgynous.

It is said that Obatala was the one that created the human bodies, and as they finished up their job, they demanded of their father to breathe life into the soulless bodies in front of them.

Their androgynous trait is actually meant to represent fairness, forgiveness and compassion all at once. They were supposed to take care of the first men and women, but because they got distracted their brother Oduduwa decided to create the world instead for them to be safe in.

12. Yemaya

Yemaya is known as the Patron Spirit of the Ocean and the Rivers, and she is the main deity that the Yoruba people pray to when they set sail.

She is said to be motherly and strong willed, while also being very good at curing infertility in women. Whenever she does lose her temper though she causes the waters to be violent, attacking and taking down even the mightiest ships because of her sorrows.

13. Aja

Aja is actually the Goddess of the Forest and all of the animals that live within it. She is the one that brings the life over to the forests, and most often times she is depicted carrying around a basket with her.

This basket is full of potions and healing herbs, since she is also often times referred to as the Goddess of Botany.

She was the one that taught the Yoruba people how to create potions and heal through herbs alone, and whenever you do go hunting you need to give her an offering so she allows you to have a safe passage through her realm.

14. Obaluaye

While death is never considered to be the final frontier in most any African culture, that doesn’t mean that you should welcome death no matter what.

Being able to prevent death from happening simply means that it was not their time to go yet, and if you can do that you need to thank Obaluaye because they were the ones that gave you the answers you needed when you searched for a way to heal them.

This is because Obaluaye is the Master of Healing and by far one of the most popular Orisha in the Yoruba mythos.

He is the one that has the cure for any illness around and if you ever happen to grow sick and weary you need to pray to Obaluaye if you wish to be healed as soon as possible.

15. Kibuka

Kibuka is actually referred to as the God of War in the Buganda Empire kingdom. It goes as far back as the 9th century, way before the first Europeans set sail on the country’s shores.

It is said that after the Bugandan people were terrorized by a series of attacks, their king decided to have a meeting with Mukasa, the Creator of all things, to ask him how he can defeat his enemies.

His answer was simple and swift, he ordered his younger brother, Kibuka, to fight on their behalf as their God of War.

Because of this Kibuka pretty much managed to destroy everyone in his path, bringing victory to the Buganda Empire kingdom.

Conclusion

African mythology has hundreds if not thousands of other gods and goddesses that we have yet to mention in this article alone. While the Yoruba mythology is by far the most popular, we also recommend checking out some of the other religions here if you have the time for it.

That is because there are so many wondrous, crazy and fantastic stories that you can hear coming from the tribes here, stories that you won’t be able to find anywhere else around the globe.

While it is nowhere near as popular as the Norse or Greek mythologies, African mythology can be just as fun to research if you have the time and passion to do so.

At the same time, we can assure you that if you do end up doing your own homework, you’ll find more than a handful of customs and traditions that you yourself may start adoring just as much as we do.

Contents [hide]

How Many African Gods Are There?

Is Yoruba the Definitive African Religion?

Important Themes in African Mythology

1. Oshun

2. Ajé Shaluga

3. Bumba

4. Eshu

5. Ogun

6. Oya

7. Shango

8. Ala

9. Oshun

10. Oduda

11. Obatala

12. Yemaya

13. Aja

14. Obaluaye

15. Kibuka

How do you talk to deities/see signs from them? I really want to worship a deity but I don’t know who to pick or signs or anything. My already recommended Hecate, but I don’t know how to talk to them or anything. Also, how do I know if a deity is right for me?

(You don’t have to answer all of these, I love you’re posts and take yourself seriously, you’re really important!!)

Why thank you! I appreciate your kind words.

These questions are very difficult to give simple answers, and honestly I don’t know if I can.

I can definitely tell you my experience and theories on deity worship, but speaking for what is the “right” way to anything is very subjective depending upon what your personal practice will look like.

Here’s my personal take on beginner Deity worship.

Firstly, a disclaimer, this applies to OPEN practices / deities. Working with closed practices is not only disrespectful to the community, culture, and tradition of that practice but incredibly disrespectful to the deities and spirits.

Okay now to break it down!

Finding a Deity

The biggest thing to ask yourself when starting deity work is “why?”.

What are you looking for?

Why is a deity necessary?

Once you can address these there’s definitely a direction for a specific deity as a result. Is there a particular open practice you’ve been drawn to? If so, definitely try to grow friendly with it. You don’t need to be an expert, but you should be able to answer the following questions.

Can you guarantee that it is an open practice?

Country of origin and timeframe.

Monotheistic or Polytheistic religion?

Do you have at least three reliable sources to reference if you need to find more information? (Avoid sources of those who are racist, antisemitic, etc. It’s sadly common.)

When beginning remember you have a team already that may have deities but more likely there are guardians, ancestors, and guides. Always ask for protection and approval when beginning to work with a deity so you are aimed in the right direction.

A portion of everything you do with deities is faith, trusting in something that is unproven.

Ultimately though “choosing” a deity is intuitive. What feels right?

How to “speak” to Deities

This is done using divination. Basically there are tools like tarot, bones, dice, and several other ways to communicate with deities but it’s a learning process that can take a bit. Can’t afford a tarot deck? Labyrinthos is a free app that teaches you tarot, lets you pull cards that have their meanings shown with the cards, and save readings. (Yes it pulls reversals.)

I personally don’t think anyone needs any “special abilities” in order to do divination, mainly because we all have intuition, but you definitely need to learn how to use the tools.

Always protect yourself when you’re divining. Only invite beings with good intentions for you within your space (“circle”) and dismiss their energy when you’re done.

Signs

Signs from deities can be things associated with them but several deities can have similar signs. For example Athena and Loki can use spiders as signs. You can ask for specific signs when you pray once you have your suspicions.

The best way to know it’s a sign is reoccurrence. Once is an instance, twice is a coincidence, three times is a sign. Use your divination to confirm the signs and who they’re from. There’s nothing wrong with getting a confirmation from someone who has open readings to confirm if you’re not confident enough to do it. Please pay them accordingly for their time and effort.

Once you’ve either chosen a deity or have one you suspect is interested, pray.

It sounds incredibly simple but that’s the best way to start. Remember it’s faith, putting your trust in something unproven.

You don’t NEED an altar, it was a false belief I had that really prevented me from starting. You ultimately don’t need anything besides yourself and a divination tool. I highly recommend a journal to keep track of your relationship, and a special location that you associate with prayer so it becomes easier to get into the proper headspace. Other recommendations include showering before divining, spraying perfume, playing non distracting music, or anything that helps you feel connected to yourself.

Some might ask about trickster spirits impersonating a deity. I personally don’t think that happens. If anything I think sometimes people think a deity is one when really it was another. We’re human, we mess up, they understand. If anything deities have a sense of humor and might impersonate each other but that’s very uncommon when you are just starting.

Otherwise be patient with yourself. If it is meant to be, it will happen. All relationships with deities are different per person, you may share some experiences and you might have unique experiences. Some don’t end up working with deities, some do for a time then change their mind, both are just as valid.

Thank you for trusting me with your questions but I am definitely not an “expert” and everything I told you should be treated as just one take on a very subjective topic.

My biggest advice? Respect them, but don’t fear them. They’re gods, yes, but they enjoy being worshiped with love. Not because you have to but because you want to. They’re patient, understanding, caring, and loving.

Good luck!

Re: the post about bullying people on misspellings and reading comprehension and such.

no real, I’m the person people talk about when they say dyslexia

(I have all the other ones too, dysgraphia, dyscalclia, dyspraxia too)

And so my reading comprehension and also spelling is kinda trash, not in a bad faith way but in a “I genuinely completely missed like a whole paragraph” way.

which just sucks, I’m still extremely new to the whole “writing” thing.

genuinely if you saw something from a couple years ago vs now you’d be flabbergasted at how much we’ve improved.

but I always thought it was extremely rude to bully and or be mean about people who don’t understand or read things right or write things right.

you just genuinely do not know who they are and why they do it, whenever I try to correct someone I say it kindly and give constructive feedback.

Like genuinely it’s not hard to be kind, some people are still learning, sometimes it’s someone’s second language, sometimes they use speech to text and text to speech.

it’s just such a deeply ingrained belief that anyone who misspells or misspeaks or misunderstands is dumb or stupid.

I can’t even count on my fingers how many times I’ve misheard, worded something trash, or misunderstood or misinterpreted something.

but that’s just how I am and I can’t change it, but I can change my reaction and outcome and make friendships even after fucking up.

it’s just a sad feeling that even if you have the best intentions you still fail horribly, subtext and tone are hard to parse through, so much meaning and context gets a bit screwy when you write it down.

and sometimes life is filled with mistakes and failures and there’s nothing wrong with that, I can’t know everything and I probably never will.

I love the quote

“a jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one.”

because yeah, I’ll never be a master at English or talking or anything.

but I can be a jack of all trades, I can try to learn and be better.

more skills even though I’m not a master at any, helps so much.

We beat ourselves up and others for things we can’t control rather than lift ourselves and others up.

that’s just my thoughts on it, I just didn’t want to add it on the main post it’s pretty unrelated to the original lol.

-pop

You are so very nice to write all this pop. Sorry I take a bit to respond. The system has been super busy.

The "trouble" that I mentioned in the tags that I got into was when I said I unfollowed someone for being rude about reading comprehension and had a complete stranger come out of nowhere and correct me like I was talking about them when I wasn't and then when I said I wasn't and was frustrated that people apparently do this enough to assume unrelated call outs about it are vagues about them, they acted like I was "rude" and like...

I'm an alter that has slammed doors hard enough to crack walls. I've said such utterly fucked things. I am trying my hardest, my best, to be nice when I'm upset. I have come so far and it hurts. I use all my energy when I do it. Tumblr is almost like a kind of language thinking therapy for me. It's a good place to practice being as polite as I can, because it's safer to fail online as opposed to IRL, where backspace and walk away are not options.

To try as hard as I did and still be called rude is... Ugh. It's just awful. Especially when it was an otherwise cool blog that said that about me. They even said on their blog separately if another alter apologized on my behalf that they'd be friends with them and just avoid me.

And that's actually trauma for me! That kind of thing seriously destabilizes my system. I've had people literally abuse my system by manipulating us like that and talking about me, calling me an asshole like I can't hear. But I get that that's just a mistake too.

It's all mistakes!

I think the world would be a better place if more mistakes were seen as harmless.

Also I vibe with the jack of all trades bit. We definitely as a system feel that.

can I just say, I'm so glad your blog is still here? My religious beliefs are. complicated. but hellenic polytheism was a very important part of my own religious journey and still have a lot of love and respect for it. I'm going into religious studies as a major, and seeing the way people talk about helpol just makes me So Mad. like a lot of people just don't have any idea about how hellenic polytheism worked in the past or works today outside of the myths, and they just say. stupid shit! like saying that it doesn't make sense for Zeus to be a father figure bc he's Bad Myth Man even though one of his epithets is literally fucking. Zeus Pater. it just really annoys me that instead of respecting helpol as a legitimate faith, people just mock it! and they'll mock people for practicing different in the modern day as if religions don't naturally evolve and change to fit the needs of their practitioners. like yeah a lot of pagan circles do have issues with historical inaccuracies and bias and etc etc, but so do all religious circles.

this is kind of random and rambly but tl;dr ive followed you for a long time and I'm glad you are still here and being yourself and doing your faith. it's cool. you are cool

I agree with everything you said here! It is truly frustrating on many levels because 1) that’s my divine father they’re speaking about and I’m ready to throw hands in his defense 2) They read a mythology book and LO/PJ so now they think they know more than actual worshipers who have literally dedicated their lives to these gods through study and active worship…like either sit down and be educated or keep fucking walking.

It’s why I’ve implemented the rule for myself to block anyone who comes at me with the Zeus hate. Im cool with pple who pop in with genuine questions and a desire to actually learn. But I’m not wasting my time, energy, or peace on people who can’t show me or my Dad an ounce of respect.

I’m also not going to debate or argue with someone whose knowledge level is clearly nowhere near mine. They can live in their ignorance and miss out on being loved and protected by Big Poppa.

Oh and i really liked this line “as if religions don’t naturally evolve and change to fit their practitioners”

I feel like all that is very relevant to me, my devotion, and my blog because I get a lot of hate for choosing to wander outside of tradition with my worship. But exactly what you said, religion is constantly evolving. It was the same even in antiquity. Depending on where you were worship looked differently. So if the ancients were allowed to bring fluidity to their devotion why can’t I? And isn’t part of the reason the gods have stayed relevant for so long is because we allow them to evolve along with us? I do of course believe there’s a balance and you need to know the “rules” before you break them. But I don’t think “breaking” the rules is inherently hubristic. I think modernizing the gods is a devotion in itself because it keeps them close to humanity which will always be where they belong.

Okay let me end this Ted Talk so I can thank you for all your lovely compliments! It’s always a wonderful feeling to know your presence within your community is valued and appreciated! So thank you so much for that! I’m glad I can be a bit of light and hope! ❤️

People put God in a box because that’s the only way some people can make sense of anything.. putting things and people and concepts in boxes. Indoctrination and dogma has completely separated everyone from truth and from one another. But God is so much bigger than any box that’s ever been placed on him (and her.. them, if you will.) This is one of those years you’re gonna see the lid of that box blown clean off. And in the years to come. Spirit… source… the universe… God…. speaks to people in many different ways… and they’re all valid. The biggest mistake humanity has ever made is believing only “their” God is the right God. The biggest mistake the so called conscious community has made is convincing people they are God all on their own. We are co creators. We are the Gods of our reality. But God is the palm.. and we are the fingers. Going by that philosophy, if you’re not connected to the palm you’re just an amputated finger.. lifeless & rotting. I’m thankful for the path God called me to. Learning about so many different spiritual beliefs, ancient religions, practices & philosophies. I see it all for what it is. It’s all extensions of the same energy source. We are all extensions of that energy source. As humans we are hard wired to worship, and if you don’t cultivate a genuine relationship with some higher representation of God and follow the principles set forth (cuz that’s what really matters ultimately), you are bound to worship money, material possessions, or something dark. & you’ll convince yourself that’s not what you’re doing. You can’t survive this reality without money… but so many people desire money not to merely survive.. but to run as far away from themselves and their truth as possible. I’ll never subscribe to this belief that healing means suppressing your feelings and ignoring the truth of our realities. We are fully divine, but we are also fully human. And that’s where God wishes to meet us. In our humanity… that’s why we’re here to begin with. To experience the full range of human emotions.. tragedy.. trauma.. triumph… and true healing. We are here to learn lessons that will aide us in the evolution of our souls. And we’re here to serve the bigger picture… whether we realize exactly what part we play or not, we all have a part to play. I’ve been stripped of everything 3 different times in the past 8 years. And I’ve been shown every time that God always provides. I grew up in a Christian family. I can remember being 8 or 9.. experiencing so much trauma in my home and just pleading with God. Telling God that I wanted to believe but everything I was experiencing was making it so hard. God made me a promise, a promise I’ll never fully share online. I’m reminded of that promise all the time tho, and I know God is real. The way God shows up in my life would knock most peoples socks off.. a lot of my experiences I keep to myself partially because I know it sounds crazy but mostly because it be between me and God for real. Im reminded all the time that my path is my own and extremely personalized. I’ve had a very unique path because I have a very unique destiny. There’s nothing in this world that can shake my faith… nothing. Other peoples hatred, pessimism, and boxes will never convince me my real lived experiences did not happen. I have my whole mind. And I know who I am. I have fully self actualized and I know exactly who governs this body. I also know I STILL wouldn’t be shit without the God outside of me either. I’ve healed bipolar disorder, chronic anxiety, and I’m on my way to healing c-ptsd too. Where I’m headed… the things God has called me to do… can only be accomplished by me and it requires me to heal all of this shit. So I can show others just how possible it really is. Thankful & blessed beyond measure. I get tired.. I grow weary & frustrated. But my trust in God outweighs every single one of my worries or frustrations. Even through the pain I remain grateful & excited for a future I can’t consciously conceive just yet.. but I know it’s coming 🥹

Direct talk is hard for me. I want to be a little vague for safety sake. It gives me a way out, so I can’t be backed into a corner. I didn’t speak for years, cuz there was no point—I let people believe what they wanted with a smile.

I don’t like asking for anything. I am used to having my needs invalidated. Or more accurately weaponized. My needs should not be used to control my behaviour. I am very independent & sometimes my pride is hard to swallow. I don’t like this chapter of life as a single mom—I have been so humbled by how little extra there is in almost every area of life.

I have a hard time speaking about feelings, because I have been made to feel like I am not smart or trustworthy. And that I’m too emotional. Therefore how could I possibly trust anything that I have individually generated on my own?! When I speak of things that are deeply important to me, or I didn’t practice saying—my eyes might leak. I am learning to feel for the first time in some spaces of my life.

Because I can see how I have a part to play in how I act in these 3 spaces…where I struggle most—I didn’t create any standard for how I would let people enter or exit my life. I have met beautiful people who give me better then I deserve. I also met bullies & perpetrators who will take every single thing they can get.

So 2024 I made a commitment to the word “choices.” I started to make difficult decisions about how I am willing to live going forward. The kind of relationships I will show up to. The ways that I will use any finances that come into my life. I am working through my faith & what I can support. I am deciding how I’m willing to use my time, my home, & my body.

I want a long term relationship with someone that is being built on the same principles that I would build a marriage or life with someone. I want to have space to ask every hard question. I want to understand the backstory, the wounding, & the character of someone.

Imperfections are not an excuse to judge, but a space to delve deeper & extend compassion. I need freedom to be all of me, so there is safety for them to be everything they were made to be. I choose all of someone or none of someone…humans are not supposed to be loved in parts & pieces.

I am drawn to a growth mindset. A fundamental belief in God, health, & good energy. I want to pull in the same direction, if I ever decide to yoke up with someone as a partner. I want a love story. More importantly—I want a life story where we choose each other every single day, until we can’t.

You didn’t sign up for any of this. You met an emotionally broken, overweight, & questioning human. You watched me explore, find myself, & I know I hurt you in the process. I tried to be truthful, but I also lacked integrity once in a while. I was not able to see you in any capacity, cuz I didn’t even want to acknowledge myself—I was avoiding a lot.

I have said words that didn’t have any weight to them. They were empty, & they were sometimes misleading—never intentionally. I have now discovered the source of my conviction. I kept growing and I kept talking, and sometimes I was shocked at what I could think. I heard a great podcast the other day, which destroyed me this week—it addressed addictions. They said addictions exist in any space where we don’t tell 100% of the truth & it’s because we want to find a 3rd door. Sobriety begins with the truth telling. I believe sobriety begins with hope that something better can exist then this vicious circle.

I want to sit with you for months to try to explain all of this…I am lucky to get minutes or hours. Which is why I decided to type one last attempt to explain how much things have changed in my life over the last year. It’s the biggest pivot of my life—you are caught in it, and I don’t know how to let you know, choose, & then live with that choice forever.

If this is met with complete silence, I will not push to see you any more times. I will get my answer. I won’t chase anymore what isn’t meant for me, or what doesn’t want to be chased. I want partnership. Not to mentor, mother, or feel like a stalker to a man to prove I have worth. If they don’t see it—I won’t try to prove it.

If you want to talk more, understand, or explore the meanings of this—I will commit to trying to break down walls, see you in your truths, & be supportive in any ways I can find capacity. I will try to communicate more clearly, I will choose concentrated loyalty, & I will always cheer for anyone that is honest enough to show up as nothing more or less then themselves.

I have deep feelings, but I never asked if you’re on board with me expressing them.

I want to know you, but I have still not gotten a response that says you are willing to be seen & understood.

I want to chase forever, but I am still very uncertain if you’re fully available. So every time you ask me what I need—I want to say “you”, but instead I say nothing.

I know casually fucking is not the same investment level as anything I hint at wanting.

We might both want marriage, kids, and forever, even if it never ends up being with each other. I know this & accept it. Nothing comes with guarantees. I promise that when you know—I’ll listen peacefully. I promise when I know, I’ll be totally honest.

I need to get more intentional before my soul breaks in this crazy dating world. I will always hold space for gratitude for the gifts you’ve given me. Thank you for everything.

I needed you so badly last week, but I couldn’t find you—I started to crumble. I felt through it all, and know everything I want to tell you—the truest words I have ever spoken. They are making me feel like I can’t breathe, but I don’t know when I’ll find you again to speak them. The fear of how they’ll land in your mind & heart still makes the little girl in me want to run away.

I don’t want to keep running. I have made some decisions with the “choices” that I can see before me.

I had that dream that I think has given me some clarity.

I experienced deep betrayal that I need to better explain in real life, for you to understand my January.

I have sat like a fly in the spaces where I have learned, unlearned, & felt it all.

I am humbled.

You have to know how sorry I am. Before you think you didn’t make me happy or that your effort wasn’t enough. I need to clarify if our choices of words mean the same thing. If we understand what the other person means.

My working memory isn’t good enough to imagine how love feels, what healthy looks like, or what God could give to me as a future. But I’m out of my head, into my heart, & I am as honest and loving, as I know to be.

Podcast Transcript - S2EP17 - Dissolution Experience and the End of the New Age

Podcast Transcript - S2EP17 - Dissolution Experience and the End of the New Age

Click link for Podcast Page I’ve mentioned the experience that I’m going to talk about in this episode several times but never the details to it since it’s too horrifying to my mind to place myself back in my shoes and relive it. Even though the near-death Awakening mystical experience was a far more visceral experience, this one terrified me and has continued to terrify me far more than thinking about whether I actually died or not, which is very interesting as I type these words. Maybe because it was the lack of drugs or drug use at this point and how immediate the presence, judgment and activity of God could so instantly send me and by extension, anybody else, straight to Hell, actual Hell here in the living present moment of now, without any of that fire and brimstone imagery, that renders this experience as not a fun one to draft or speak about. Just looking back at it, you would think after reading at least a hundred spiritual type works and having blasted through the Bible and sayings from the Saints and the Upanishads and the Quran and everything else I’d read, that there’s no way that God would send me to Hell, but that’s exactly what happened. And I can’t keep saying God. It was entirely my own fault and entirely my own doing, so the better way of saying it was that I’d created the opportunity that led me to this experience that left God no other option than to send me straight to Hell for an instant of time, but eternal time, since the experience was one of timelessness as well. How could I have fallen so decisively after having so decisively seen, experienced and accepted the reality and truth of God? It’s shocking. My hands are somewhat trembling as I type this right now. I know I’ve pointed the finger at New Age type teachings as being responsible for my fall, so though I have zero recollection of the names of the works read, I will try to explain the ideas that I had acquired and held in my mind at this time and how they contributed to my downfall. The experimenter in me is also responsible and because of this, I ceased experimenting on spiritual phenomena for many years after this. Let this be a warning ahead of time for the listener or the reader of this work. There are teachings that seem and appear to be genuine and authentic, but they are ever so subtly just a bit off, ever so subtly not truth, and ever so subtly lead one down the road to perdition. And I can say this because I experienced it. I may get flamed for this by any that practice New Age type teachings and have never been given the punishment of God that I received for thinking these ideas and thoughts and practices and beliefs, but maybe it’s because they never took them to the extremes like I did, like when I spoke about my idiot trust walk as I tested the limits of synchronicity. The point is if one takes these at first glance amazingly written teachings to their ultimate endpoint, the subtle differences, the subtle lies that are exposed the further one treads upon these paths, those that follow them as I did, may find the result is not as pleasant as at first glance. The primary teaching that directly led to this experience is the one of self-divinity. And explaining this is difficult because the gift of faith as I read directly from the Catechism of the Catholic church in episode three of the podcast is a type of divinity, or an idea of divinity as the prize or gift of faith in God, much like the parable of the pearl Jesus speaks of. But if you’re listening closely or closely reading that sentence, it is a gift, and not something that is claimed or taken or self-proclaimed. And thus, we come full circle to my book Lucifer Revealed and the discussion of the taking of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and what was received from this and as the ancient story presents it, what all humanity received, along with what was given up, or withheld by God because of this. “That they had become like the gods,” by eating the fruit, is what Genesis tells us is the real reason God gets angry, and thus the fruit of immortality, or life, had to be removed because being like the gods had been taken by humanity, instead of given by God. I’ve also mentioned that this is what is referred to in the Gospel of John when Jesus says that thieves and robbers enter by other means, but the good shepherd enters through the gates, and that there is a guardian at the gates almost all mythology and all religions speak of in some way since the robbers may reach the gates, but they cannot enter fully by such means. It’s all very mystical, very difficult to see and understand this stuff if you haven’t ventured this far down the Narrow Path of the mysteries of the Christ, God the Father and the Holy Spirit. I have a theory that I’ll present right now that the mystical aspects of the Bible are meant for those of us that have seen and experienced, that have been tempted as Jesus was in the desert with the use of the spiritual powers of transmutation, when the Devil tempts him to turn the stones into bread and to eat, or to call down the angels to carry him from falling, or trying to use spiritual powers or energies in magical ways. The normal practitioner of Christianity, one that lives a life of faith alone, never has these types of experiences and such temptations never come their way, for they’ve never pierced that veil of the known and the unknown beyond what the sacraments are meant to bestow upon the believer. But those that have pierced through, and especially in this modern age but still very much alive throughout the pages of the history of the Bible and the world, those that have pierced through, especially through drug use, are the robbers and thieves that have arisen to the loftiest of places mentally but have not actually traversed through the Narrow Path to find or be blessed with it. And thus, for the drug using mystic, if it can be seen within the microcosm of the self, the story in Genesis becomes the story of the self having reached for the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil and acquired it without God’s permission, and thus the fruit of life and immortality is withheld or removed, even if you’ve already been baptized since you’ve literally undone the baptism that washed away the Original version of this that occurred to humanity at whatever unknown mystical time it occurred. I know there’s different ideas regarding this within different sects of Christianity, of whether salvation can be lost or not. I’m not going to sit here and say yay or nay for anybody other than myself, but since I came to understand that reaching this interior holy place where I witnessed God as a complete sinner was the taking of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, I do believe that one can lose their salvation, primarily if they’ve already seen and experienced what can be called divine. If you know any of the inner theology around the Devil, or the reason why the Devil is cast out eternally, you will see the similarity to what I’m trying to illustrate here. Only difference at least in that case is that since the Devil was an eternal being the choice to turn away from God was an eternal choice, where even if we gained salvation through baptism, experienced God, and turned away from God, we are still capable of receiving forgiveness if we turn back to God, for we are mortal. The other reason for this distinction in my mind is that as opposed to those that haven’t had any spiritual experience and rely entirely on faith, if they falter, they have nothing to fear since they have no actual experience of the reality of God beyond that faith. But if you have had experience, and have seen already, then to turn from this is a super-giant big no-no on the level of the Devil turning away from God. Thus the story in Eden and Genesis doesn’t just begin the story of humanity in the Christian idea or worldview, it also begins the story of those of us that took the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, or reached for divinity on our own before having it gifted by God through the walking of the Narrow Path of the Christ, regardless of whether we were aware of what we were doing at the time, like through drug use. Again, difficult stuff to explain and probably to hear or comprehend. And I can offer little to no recourse unfortunately. You either know what I’m talking about because you’ve either been there or you are there, now as you’re listening or reading this, and you’re realizing that the fount of your spirituality comes from reading some cool stuff online or from a couple of You Tube videos, or from a book Oprah recommended, or like me, from seeing some crazy shit while doing drugs. Or you have no idea what I’m talking about. Plenty of myths alongside the opening of the Bible that speak of the punishment given by the gods to those humans that try to scale Mount Olympus for instance. So let me at least try to discuss this idea of self-divinity as I understood it from the reading of New Age type texts so that perhaps what I’m alluding to can become a little bit clearer. That Jesus himself says that we are like the gods is the oft quoted verse that I came across in these works that spoke of realizing our own self-divinity. Yet the entire lesson of Jesus found in the mysteries is that though fully God, he emptied himself of the fullness of that divinity to become man, specifically so that he could follow the will of the Father as a man. Let’s dive deeper. When you become Christian, especially in the Catholic Church, if you’re a baby when baptized obviously you’re not conscious in the sense that we’re conscious when we get older of the words used in the prayers, but that’s why there’s the confirmation sacrament, so that you accept the baptism as a fully conscious person. But in the prayers for confirmation, just as during Baptism, just as in the Nicene Creed, what is being acknowledged? That Jesus Christ is the only Son of God. The very act of doing this, negates, relinquishes, releases the person from the Original Sin as most clearly spoken of and taken up by the Church ever since St. Augustine explained it. How is this achieved? By acknowledging Jesus Christ as the only Son of God, in a mystical, eternal, universal way, we are saying as well that we are not gods ourselves and are thus acknowledging the sovereign nature of God the Father, through the mortal expression of Himself as the Son, Jesus Christ. It’s strange stuff I know but the only way to explain further is to contrast this with the New Age type teachings that have permeated throughout the modern world and aren’t really called New Age anymore, but twenty years ago that’s what these types of teachings and interpretations were referred to as. The Mysteries are very clear. Jesus says we are like the gods, Jesus says that in the coming Kingdom we will be like him, adopted children of the living Father, but Jesus only says this after his temptation in the Desert when he’s renounced all spiritual powers that activate or enable one to control reality. If one has not gone through this process of the Desert of the Soul, or the walking of the Narrow Path, and one is engaged in these spiritual practices, then one is using essentially the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil that conferred upon humanity a likeness to the gods and is thus denying the ultimate sovereign nature of The Father by claiming their own divinity through their own freewill. The theology of the Devil should be chiming in your mind after that last sentence. For further proof of this, you have to venture out of the canonical works in the Bible and into the Books of Enoch. Whatever your idea about this work in the present moment is must be placed aside so that you can see it in the context of the time of Jesus. The work had been seen as holy and inspired back then. I think if I remember correctly, several copies of Enoch were found in the Qumran tombs of the Essenes where the Dead Sea Scrolls have been found. So the ideas found within this work were the ideas present in the minds of those that came before Jesus, those that came after, and most likely Jesus himself. In it, it says that the lawlessness that God refers to in the Bible in the start of the Noah story, or the reason for bringing the flood, is all manner of esoteric magical practices like divination, soothsaying, fortune-telling, etc, that were taught essentially by angels, evil angels, to mankind. And if you interpret this beyond the classical idea of angel or devil, they were all spiritual practices that had been discovered or channeled and used by human beings, and such things would actually continue to plague both the Israelites as well as all the ancient world and even right on up to today, even after the flood. Again, regardless of your belief level in such things, such things were believed to be true and possible throughout the pages of the Bible and across the entire ancient world. If you go way back to King Saul I think it was, he consults essentially a witch to raise the spirit of the dead prophet Samuel since the King is desperate for answers from his now dead former prophet. And this witch was capable of achieving this, which alone should be an eye-opener if you’ve never bothered to read the Old Testament or have forgotten this story from Sunday school. There was also the strange Urim and Thurim divinatory medals or stones or medallions that were on the breast plate of Aaron and beyond that provided some sort of yes or no divinatory 8-Ball of knowledge response to the high priest of Israel. First thing that popped in my mind when I read that with new eyes was why did Aaron need these when Moses was still present with the people and was speaking to God on their behalf? Considering some of the other strange things in the text of the Old Testament and the different epochs of composition scholars have been able to identify, seems like an easy editorial addition to my mind during the priestly editorial time period to give credence to the divinatory practice the high priests had now become addicted to after their contact with Persia and the high divination that Persia possessed, and further, the reason why the prophets in the Bible were constantly thrashing such practices to bits. So, the modern idea of being self-divine or realizing your divinity, which as you can see, isn’t really a modern idea, is that understanding the concept and bringing it into your conscious mind will awaken the divine consciousness within and thus grant one divinity. Or rather, kind of like Plato or one of the other Greek philosophers taught, I can’t remember exactly which one, but that ancient philosophical idea that we learn nothing in life and what we are actually doing is remembering what we already knew somehow in the pre-existent past or by piercing through to seeing and understanding the archetypes of existence. Those familiar with the Gnostic texts will see the similarity to this idea, remembering that we are light beings or a fragment of the eternal that has been speckled across the face of the Earth and the act of remembering this through gnosis, releases this enchained speckle of the eternal from the mortal and returns it to the eternal upon death. Much the same is taught in the Eastern religions though with different language and variations of course. But the West, to my eyes at least, seems to have always been far more obsessed with humans, especially humans of high station being called gods. The Pharaoh’s of Egypt considered themselves gods. Caesar after his death was called a god and then all Caesar’s afterwards were also seen as living gods. This might also by why in the Old Testament Moses himself is referred to as God in a couple instances that can be real head scratchers when you come across these passages if they haven’t been edited out in a weak translation. Several of the Greek Philosophers, especially Pythagoras was seen as a god after his death, and as I stated earlier, the Catechism of the Church even teaches that there’s a type of divine life that is achieved or lived or blessed upon when one enters the Kingdom of Heaven or has experienced the Beatific Vision that could be seen and or renders such a person as being a type of god since such a person is now placed in Heaven, just with a different name in the Church, as that of a Saint. I’m trying to lay each of these things so that you can see the subtle differences that I was referring to. While living, being called a god, or after death, being called a god or a Saint. Being born into royalty and somehow automatically being conferred with the title of god or having lived a rigorous life of devotion and study as Pythagoras or St. Anthony of the Desert, and in turn, those generations afterwards calling them a god or a Saint. Smoking some dope and seeing the invisible realities and suddenly you’ve become a self-help guru that has self-realized divinity, or constant daily meditation and the rigor of a devotional life and abandonment of the spiritual powers to receive the mystical experience as blessing and gift that essentially accomplishes what all have spoken of as the prize of spirituality. Or as Jesus puts it: many will choose the wide-open path; few will follow the Narrow Path. Again, I can speak on this because I’ve gone through both. As soon as I started coming across the ideas found in these works, and realizing I’d seen what I’d seen and experienced what I’d experienced, and that the overwhelming majority of people I spoke to, along with the overwhelming majority of the works I’d read with authors that never spoke of their own personal experiences, I realized I’d encountered something rare, and since rare, valuable, and since valuable, high and lofty, and since high and lofty, exceptional, and since it had occurred to me, thus I was each of these, and since each of these, it meant that in reality, I existed on my own as my own self-made divinity, and since I was my own self-made divinity, the thought that began to form in my mind was that I no longer needed God the Father, since as my own god, why was I continuing to pray to this imaginary God the Father? I had healed myself and others. I was manifesting empty parking spots in crowded supermarket parking lots before I showed up. I would dream or meditate of experiences and then experience them in a way. Not always exactly what was meditated or dreamt, but enough to where I could make the connection to what had been experienced. I was in complete control of my thoughts by this point and had conquered that impressionistic empath effect I mentioned in an earlier episode and capable of not only detaching my thoughts from the swarm of voices surrounding me in a crowd, but also not thinking anything in my mind other than the periodic thought of returning to the state of emptiness of mind when I caught the mind wanting to wander and attach itself to whatever mental stimuli it was trying to attach itself to, and obviously the awareness of all of this occurring. Read the full article

the love project | jjk

summary: from running to mcdonald’s at 3am after a halloween party where the two of you dressed up as the teletubbies to timing how long it takes for him to drink a cup of monster mixed with mountain dew and iced coffee and then do fifty push-ups, you’re used to your best friend jungkook asking you to do all sorts of crazy things. but, of all the shit the two of you do, letting him follow you around for a week with a camera and take candid photos of you for a photography assignment might just be the craziest of them all.

{college!au, friends to lovers!au}

pairing: jeon jungkook x female reader genre: fluff, comedy word count: 12k warnings: college antics, hopeless pining, slow burn a/n: me: this fic will be 10k max! also me: actually nevermind on par for the course of this blog, i hope you enjoy this fic! it was so much fun to write and it definitely got me back into the ~writing mood~. more fics coming soon!

These days, the weeks pass you by like trains on a platform. They whiz past you, the only discernible features being the beginning and the end of them, with the middle nothing but a blur. 

At least, that’s how it feels when you’re in college, and the days bleed into weeks bleed into months, and suddenly you’re one year closer to graduating, one year closer to figuring out what next to do with your life, even if you’re still missing that one general education requirement you forgot to take in your first year so now you’re trying to cram it into your schedule at the last minute.

Okay, you’ll admit it. Introduction to Astronomy is kicking your ass. That’s what you get for putting it off until junior year, when you’re supposed to have reached the point in your History major career where you don’t have to look at numbers anymore and the idea of doing basic math is absolutely unfathomable. History majors don’t do math. They just don’t. It vanished from your academic arsenal long before now, alongside your ability to interpret word problems and understand science textbooks. 

Perhaps in another universe, you would have actually retained those skills past high school, but that universe is not this one, and so your problem sets can solve themselves or not be solved at all. 

Your best friend would have to disagree.

“It’s not even calculus!” Jungkook exclaims over a mouthful of a Starbucks tomato and pesto panini, pointing to your laptop in exasperation, as if the answer has been staring you in the face for the past fifteen minutes. “It’s just algebra! All you’re doing is plugging the numbers into the formula and finding the missing variable!”

“Easy for you to say,” you huff, furiously erasing at the notebook in front of you as you get yet another incorrect answer. Who knew math could be so difficult? Oh, that’s right. You did. “You took that advanced differential equations class for fun last year. It’s not even required for your major. You’re just a masochist.”

“Says the person who convinced their advisor to let them take seven classes because they, and I quote, ‘all seemed so interesting’ and you ‘didn’t want to miss out.’” Jungkook rebukes pointedly. “Because your life would be so terrible if you didn’t take Economic History of Pre-Industrialized Europe.”

He’s got you there. Seven classes is a lot. In your defense, Economic History of Pre-Industrialized Europe was very interesting and you got a 4.0 that semester. So who is he to judge? Jungkook’s favorite pastime is pretending that taking three different computer science classes in a single semester isn’t going to single-handedly kill him.

Jungkook watches you struggle for a few moments more before he sighs, like he can’t take looking at someone so mathematically incompetent any longer. He stuffs the remaining third of his Starbucks panini into his mouth all at once like the ravenous beast he is before he reaches over the tiny table you’re sat at to look at your problem set himself. He turns your laptop towards him and grabs hold of your notebook, furrowing his eyebrows as he enters Work Jungkook Mode. 

Work Jungkook Mode is the mode of him you see most often during finals week or the rare occasions where you meet up to actually try and get work done. Work Jungkook has tunnel vision for whatever assignment is currently in front of him, which he will do either in one sitting or die trying. Work Jungkook lets his coffee get cold and forgets to answer your text messages, even when you’re sat right across from him and you know that he can see the notification on his laptop. Work Jungkook refuses to turn in anything that he hasn’t devoted his entire being to, even if it’s something as simple as a discussion board post. Some of his other friends say that when Jungkook is in Work Jungkook Mode, they won’t even try to contact him, lest their messages get lost in the flurry of his coding assignments. 

But you are not “some of his other friends.” You are his best friend. So rules do not apply to you. And Jungkook has long accepted that fact.

“Hey, don’t mess up my work—” You exclaim defensively, grabby hands reaching over the table to retrieve your notebook. “Wait, how did you do that?”

Jungkook scribbles something down in nearly-illegible font, determined to solve the problem in front of him. He thinks for a few more seconds before eventually jotting down an answer, circling it with his pencil. Holding the notebook out so both of you can see, he scoots his chair over to your side of the table, your shoulders pressed together in this tiny corner of the Starbucks, right by the bathroom, and explains, step by step, what he did. 

He does that for the following two problems in your set, walking you through the kind of math he was doing in freshman year of high school like it’s nothing, answering all of your stupid questions and giving you tips on how to finesse the system by taking as many shortcuts as possible. Teaching you things you never learned, or possibly had just forgotten. Things that a professor would think is idiotic to re-teach to a junior in university. Things that Jungkook wants you to know because he just wants you to have a little more faith in yourself. 

“Does that help?” He asks when he’s finished, still doubting his fantastic teaching abilities despite the fact that he just taught you more in the last thirty minutes than your professor has managed in a month and a half. 

“It actually does,” you tell him, pleasantly surprised. Looking back down at your notebook, what was once a shapeless blur of numbers, letters, and formulas is suddenly a clear and organized outline of each and every step to follow. “I didn’t know it was that easy.”

“Anything can be easy if you just commit yourself to learning how to do it,” Jungkook says, one of those random sentences that are too wise for a college student surviving off of RedBull and Starbucks food, the ones that always make you think Jungkook is secretly an immortal sage with life experiences far beyond your own. “Except coding. Which is hard no matter how good you are at it.”

“Aw, you can do it,” you rally, reaching up to pinch his chin in between your fingers and squeeze it tight. “It’s also too late to change your major now, so you’re stuck.”

“Wow, thanks for the encouragement,” Jungkook chides, hand coming up to rub at where you held his jaw, rolling his eyes. “You should let me help you with your Astronomy work more often. Gives me a break from Python.”

“I would have made you help me whether you liked it or not,” you tell him pointedly, because he is your best friend and he doesn’t get out of things as easily as he thinks he can. “But thanks. I’ll definitely take you up on that.”

“Of course,” Jungkook says with a good-natured grin, always so selfless and kind and giving. He practically signed himself up for a semester’s worth of TA-ing for Introduction to Astronomy despite the constant mountain of work he has himself. Just because it’s you. 

“My very own personal genius,” you muse, wrapping your hands around his arm and snuggling into his body, a whisper of a language only the two of you share. It’s something the two of you have long gotten used to, pressing your fingers all over each other’s bodies like it’s second nature. One of the things that makes you feel so certain about having Jungkook in your life. About wanting him to stay with you for the rest of time. “I’m never letting you go.”

Jungkook smiles, a warm hand coming to rest atop of your own. He breathes, in and out, chest rising beneath your touch. “Like I’d ever let you,” he says.

There is no question about it. Jungkook is one hundred percent, absolutely, undoubtedly, positively, indisputably smarter than you are. It’s something that the two of you used to jokingly fight about (because Jungkook claims that he’s a bad essay writer, even though he’s not), but at this point it’s cemented in stone—he’s a damn genius. A genius who is inexplicably good at everything. A double threat. Triple, if you count the fact that he’s built beyond belief and could probably chuck you into next week if you really, really ticked him off. 

The truth is that, ninety percent of the time it is you who is going to Jungkook for help. Whether it be an assignment you need assistance on (namely Astronomy, because Jungkook probably couldn’t help you on your Mesopotamian artifact and primary source analyses despite his best intentions), a date that was a lot worse than you were hoping it would be, or even just the right coffee to order from that expensive place on the corner. Jungkook knows how to fix everything. 

So when Jungkook slides into the seat across from you in the food court after his Mastering Photography class with that I’m in trouble look on his face, you know something is horribly wrong. 

“Are you alright?” You ask, concerned as you watch him devour the sushi takeout in front of him, stuffing the spicy tuna rolls into his mouth like they’re Skittles. His camera hangs haphazardly out of his open backpack, like he barely had enough time to stuff it into the pocket while he was making his way here. There’s a worried expression written all over his face as he fumbles with the chopsticks in his hand, losing his grip on them every ten seconds. 

It’s not until Jungkook has finished the container of spicy tuna rolls in front of them that he finally seems to work up the courage to answer you. 

“My Photography class is gonna be the death of me,” Jungkook exclaims, exasperated. 

“I thought you liked it,” you comment unhelpfully. Jungkook had been so excited to be enrolled in it, because you needed a recommendation from a different professor and you had to submit a portfolio in order to join the class, making it one of those exclusive (and thus, much better) courses. Not to mention the fact that Jungkook is basically already a professional photographer if his Instagram is anything to go by. He’s going to walk out of university with a Photography minor whether he realizes it or not.

“I do,” Jungkook insists, even if right now it sounds like the two of you both need convincing of that fact. “But this project is ridiculous. I don’t even know how my professor expects us to have the time to finish it.”

“What do you have to do?”

Jungkook sighs. Just thinking about it seems to stress him out. “I mean, it’s only really a week long. So I guess it’s not too bad. But we’re supposed to compile a portfolio of the same subject, taken over the course of the week, with them in all sorts of different poses and lighting and locations, to express a personal theme.”

You scrunch your nose up in confusion. “I might be wrong, but isn’t that what photography… is?” You ask cluelessly. 

“Yes,” Jungkook argues, “but also no. Photography is taking pictures of things just for the hell of it. Not because they necessarily speak to a part of your soul. You just like the look of it. You want to capture the scene. That’s it.”

“Oh,” You say dumbly. 

“And our subject can be whoever or whatever we want, but he recommended choosing a person because taking pictures of our water bottles in different places is boring,” Jungkook huffs, though his professor does have a point there. Modern history wasn’t made out of photographs of store windows and miscellaneous items. It was made out of people, out of events in their lives that shaped the rest of the world, out of personal experiences that changed their point of view. “But I don’t even know anybody who would be willing to let me photograph them for a whole week! I’d basically have to follow them around like paparazzi!”

“I’ll do it,” you suggest casually, because it seems like the most obvious choice to you. There’s no one Jungkook spends as much time with as you. 

Jungkook’s eyes pop out of his head. “What?”

“I’m serious,” you insist. “Think about it. You need a subject for your project that you can photograph in a wide variety of places and over the course of a week. Who else do you spend that much time with, other than me?”

“Well..” Jungkook begins, trying to fight your reasons with his own. “Would you even be comfortable with something like that? I mean, I’m literally going to constantly be taking photos of you.”

“Like we don’t already do that on our phones,” you tease, having amassed quite the album of terrible Jungkook pictures over the years. 

“A camera is different from a phone,” Jungkook protests weakly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But I’m just saying. It won’t bother me,” you say with a shrug. Why is Jungkook being so… weird about your suggestion? You thought he would be jumping at the offer, especially considering it means he won’t have to go out of his way to find and photograph someone else for this assignment. But he’s being rather hesitant. You watch as he glares down at his empty sushi takeout box, eyebrows furrowed in that thick, nervous way. “But you don’t have to,” you backtrack. “It was just a suggestion.”

He breathes in and breathes out, expression solid. Even from here you can see the cogs whirring in his brain, placing each and every potential result into a pro and con list inside his mind, trying to work out whether the benefits will be greater than the cost. 

Quite frankly, you don’t know what all the holdup is about. 

“You’re… sure about this?” He asks, looking up at you, determined to ensure your comfort. As if that’s even an issue. “You’re cool with being photographed and everything?”

“Only because it’s you,” you tease lightheartedly, expecting some sort of equally cheesy response. Instead, it makes Jungkook do something weird. He freezes in place, darting his eyes away from your gaze for a split second, collecting thoughts you can’t see. “Yeah,” you say loudly, trying to bring him back. “I’m fine with it.”

He inhales, exhales, closes his eyes, and opens them. “Okay then. I guess it’s settled. You’ll be my subject,” he declares, an almost unnoticeable wobble to his voice. It’s probably nothing, so you don’t think too hard about it.

“Can you at least pretend to be a little more excited about this?” You ask, jabbing him in the chest with a wooden chopstick. “It’s the first time we’ve ever gotten to be part of a project together!”

“Yay,” Jungkook says, lifeless. 

“How about a photo to commemorate it?” You suggest, reaching over to pull the camera out of his backpack, pushing it into his hands. “This can be the start of your portfolio.”

“Fine,” he eventually caves, bringing it up to his eye as he turns it on, twisting the lens to perfect the focus. Even caught off guard like this, he looks like a professional, like someone who was born to be behind the camera. He’s a computer science major but you know that photography will always be something special to him.

You strike a dramatic pose, holding your chopsticks out, one in each hand, with a wide, excited smile on your face. “How do I look?” You ask, scrunching your eyes together. 

Jungkook’s finger hovers over the silver button. “Perfect,” he tells you, voice soft and honest. 

Click.

“So, how many photos are you supposed to take for this portfolio?” You ask as you flop around on Jungkook’s bed, pretending that the open tab on your laptop with your fifty-page reading doesn’t exist. You don’t even know why professors assign readings that long. Do they really expect you to read all of it?

From across his room, you can make out the top of Jungkook’s fluffy brown hair over his sleek gaming chair, one of the ones that look like high-tech airplane seats. “I don’t know,” he says. “He said at least twenty. And no more than fifty. Which really makes me wonder if someone once submitted like, one hundred photos for this project that he had to grade them on. But yeah.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad,” you say. When you’re around a cute animal, you can easily take twenty photographs. Granted, they aren’t exactly award-worthy photographs, but it’s not a physically demanding task. 

“Yeah,” Jungkook says. “Hypothetically you could finish it in a day. But it looks really obvious.”

“Well, how many do you have now?”

It’s been a day and a half since Jungkook agreed to let you be his so-called muse, but already you’ve lost track of how many photos he’s taken of you. He loves his camera, you know that, but you didn’t realize exactly how much he loves his camera. And with you as the sole subject for his project, he’s practically letting it hang from his neck all day long, just waiting for the right time to snap a photo of you standing in line at the food court, frowning at your textbook, or waiting to meet up with him. Every time he sees you he snaps a picture, even if the lighting’s bad, even if you haven’t had your morning coffee yet, even if it’s midnight and you look like a zombie. In his mind, there are no bad pictures. Just memories.

You wonder what the hell he sees in you. 

“A lot,” Jungkook answers unhelpfully, making no effort to elaborate on that statement. 

“Have you counted?” You ask, getting off of his bed to join him at his desk. 

Jungkook doesn’t seem to realize what you’re doing until you’re standing right next to him, placing a hand over his shoulders as you lean down next to him. He fumbles around for a second, the mouse slipping through his grip, and you catch a glimpse of one of the photos he’s taken of you, a sliver of your pursed lips, the wrinkles between your eyebrows. 

It’s from the library yesterday. You didn’t even know Jungkook had taken a picture of you there. You had a stupid reading to complete last night, one that made no sense and was terribly-written, and you spent an hour just trying to figure out what the damn argument was, and Jungkook captured it. You were there for an hour and Jungkook was there too, watching you like it was nothing, waiting for the perfect moment. He was there, sitting across from you, camera at the ready. You didn’t even hear it click. 

He closes it before you get a closer look at the photo, frantically hitting the little red dot at the top corner of the window before you have a chance to ask why. 

“What, I’m not allowed to see?” You chide, a little bit hurt but more confused than anything else. Why is Jungkook being so secretive?

“No,” Jungkook spits quickly. making you raise an eyebrow in alarm. “I mean, it’s a surprise. You get to see when it’s finished. I still have to… uh, edit. And stuff.”

“Edit? You think I’m that ugly?” You tease, knowing that he probably means color correction but enjoying the way that he gets all flustered when he hears your voice.

Jungkook’s eyes widen at that, like he just realized he made a wrong turn and is desperately backtracking. “What, no! I don’t—I don’t think you’re ugly.”

You laugh, letting the sound of your voice ease the tension in his shoulders, reveling in the way his big doe eyes seem to soften when he realizes you were just teasing. He looks like a kid caught stealing a candy bar from a gas station, looks like one of those boyfriends in the viral videos where the girl reveals that she got him a present or something instead, all nervous and full of explanations. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding,” you assure him, rubbing up and down his arm to soothe him, calm his heart down. “You don’t have to show me. I’m just excited. No one’s ever taken photos of me like this before.”

“I would,” Jungkook speaks up softly. “If you asked. I would.”

“I know,” You say. You’re not sure if there’s a thing in this world Jungkook wouldn’t do for you, and you, him. If he asked, you would pluck the stars from the sky for him. Bring him back a piece of the moon. Stop time. Anything. Everything. Just for him. “I know.”

 “What are you doing?” Jungkook asks, changing the topic as he whirls around in his gaming chair. 

“Just another reading, like always,” you dismiss, because you’re positive the last thing Jungkook wants to hear about right now is your primary source reading on irrigation techniques in agrarian Europe. You don’t even want to hear about it. “But I could use some help on Astronomy.”

Without another word, Jungkook gets up from his desk and the two of you head over to his bed, where an untouched problem set waits on your computer. He grabs a notebook from his backpack along the way before sitting down next to you on the edge of his bed, bodies pressed together. Slowly, he begins to coach you through each problem, step by step, drawing pictures and diagrams if he has to, until you finish all ten problems. 

The truth is, you didn’t really need help with this unit. Astronomy’s gotten a lot easier now that Jungkook has taught you the strategies to tackle it. But Jungkook sometimes feels like a ghost when he works, especially when he’s sitting at his desk, quiet and focused and almost invisible. And call you clingy, but you like it when you can look up and see his face instead of the back of a chair, a little tuft of wavy brown hair. You like it when he’s right beside you, in a place where you know you won’t lose him, where you can hold on if things get rough. Where you can see his stupid brown eyes and his goofy smile and know that he’ll always be there for you. 

When he’s finished, Jungkook doesn’t get back up to sit at his desk. He flops down on his back, staring up at the white ceiling of his room, eyes tracing the cracks. You join him, side by side, pretending that there’s something there. Looking up at the sky would be nicer, but it doesn’t really matter, so long as you’re with him.

“I didn’t know you took so many photos,” you say.

“I never want to miss anything.”

“You should give me more warnings, next time. I feel like I look so ugly in some of them.”

“No, you don’t. Don’t say stuff like that.”

“You don’t think I’m ugly?” You ask him, for real this time. It’s not that you think he’s going to say that he does, it’s that you want to know what he really thinks. How he really sees you. You turn your head to him, back pressed against his comforter, barely a foot apart. And he turns back to you, and he’s right there, right there in front of you, big brown eyes wide and blinking. He’s right there, how could you miss him?

“No,” Jungkook says, honest and true. He looks at you, looks right at you, right into you, and he muses to himself, chuckling. “Why would I ever think that?”

At the end of the day, you can’t really be bothered to put on real pants in anticipation of Jungkook’s trigger-happy camera-taking tendencies. He’s seen you spill a boiling hot bowl of tomato soup all over yourself in the dining hall. He’s seen you at four in the morning in the library the night before finals begin, eyebags down to your knees and mismatched shoes on your feet. He’s seen you in the middle of a frat house, sweat dripping down your forehead and smelling of nothing but straight alcohol. Getting dressed up just for him would be antithetical to the very foundation of your friendship. 

You have, however, become keenly more cognizant in the last few days of when Jungkook is about to take a photo of you. Mostly because you glance up at your surroundings every three seconds to make sure you aren’t getting sniped from across the food court. Nobody else needs to see a picture of you picking up three pieces of sushi with your chopsticks and stuffing them all into your mouth at once. And, from what you can tell, you’ve been pretty successful, which either means you’ve gotten better at telling when Jungkook might be taking a photo of you, or Jungkook’s gotten better at hiding it. 

Either way, he’s got a lot more pictures of you reflexively flashing a peace-sign in his direction when you hear the telltale sound of his camera lens focusing, so you’re not really sure what that means for the fate of his portfolio. 

Besides your newfound hyper-awareness of the sound of a camera lens adjusting, the strangest part of you and Jungkook’s little project is how quickly the rest of your friends adjusted to this brand new dynamic. 

This is not to say this assignment is the weirdest thing you and Jungkook have done together, because there was once one week where you and Jungkook challenged each other to only eat bananas for every meal to see if anything would happen to either of you. Nothing did, but after that week you swore off bananas for the rest of your life and have had little appetite for them since. 

It’s more that your other friends have just accepted the fact that ridiculous, extravagant shenanigans are a necessary part of you and Jungkook’s relationship and have simply chosen not to question them anymore. At least, most of them have. 

“So, how’s you and Jungkook’s little photography fling going?” Maisie asks, and even through the phone you can hear the way she’s wiggling her eyebrows. 

“It’s not a fling, and it’s fine,” you hiss back, trying to keep your voice down as you pack up your belongings, phone pressed between your ear and your shoulder. “Stop speaking so loudly, everyone else in the library can probably hear you.”

“Good, because they’ve all probably noticed the way Jungkook’s been following you around like an unrestrained fanboy for the past four days taking pictures of you,” Maisie says pointedly, voice so sharp it causes you to look around at the other tables to make sure no one’s listening in. 

You frown, hoping your deadpan expression is audible through the phone. “It’s not like that and you know it.”

“Don’t you think it’s even a little strange that you’ve given Jungkook full permission to take photos of you like you’re a model and he’s some sort of weird, professional paparazzi?” You can practically see Maisie’s face in front of you, all wide eyes and raised eyebrows as she makes her point.

“No, it’s what we agreed on,” you remind her for the umpteenth time. There’s nothing weird about this. You’re helping him with a project, what more could it be? “Jungkook needed someone to take pictures of for his photography project and I thought it would be a good idea if I was that someone.”

“Hmm… wonder why…” Maisie trails off, deliberately vague and suggestive all at once. 

“You’ve been going on about this ever since Jungkook and I met, Maise,” you say with a roll of your eyes, tossing your backpack over your shoulder. “You know that Jungkook and I are just friends. Like we have always been.”

“Friends that take candid photos of each other under the guise of a project,” Maisie adds, and you can see the air quotes around the word “project” right in front of you.

“Friends that help each other out because that’s what friends do,” you correct. “You’re just going to have to accept the fact that Jungkook and I are always going to be just friends and nothing more. No matter how much money you’ve bet on us getting together.”

Maisie gasps. “I have not bet money on such a thing! This is slander!”

“Don’t think I don’t see you and Jimin’s damn Venmo history.” You pull up to the front desk of the library to check out a primary source book needed for one of your classes. It’s the first edition, and it’s battered beyond belief, but it’s better than paying for it. “Just this, thanks.”

“The only way you could convince me that you and Jungkook are just friends is if you go on a date or something,” Maisie comments snidely. “I don’t think I’ve seen either of you romantically interested in someone else the entire time you’ve known each other. Isn’t that proof enough?”

“You want me to go on a date with someone?” You demand, determined to get Maisie to hop off your ass about this. 

You and Jungkook are just friends. If swiping right with someone on Tinder and getting dinner and a movie with them is what will convince Maisie of that, then that is what you will do. It’s not as if being friends with Jungkook is mutually exclusive with you going out with other people. Should be easy, right? 

The boy behind the counter tells you your book is due back at the end of the semester, and you nod your thanks before heading out of the library.

“Fine, I’ll go on a date with someone. If it’ll get you to stop trying to convince me that Jungkook and I are gonna get married and have babies,” you declare, pushing your body against the door handles as you leave, five minutes to spare before your next class begins. 

“You guys would have really cute babies, I’m just saying,” Maisie points out like it’s nothing. 

You roll your eyes, taking the phone away from your ear as your finger hovers over the red button. “See you, Maise.”

You’re barely three steps out of the library, still rolling your eyes at the Call Ended screen on your phone when a voice catches your attention. 

“Y/N!”

You turn your head just in time to see Jungkook’s devilish grin disappear behind his camera, and you don’t even have time to blink before he begins snapping away, finger mashing the silver button at the top as your expression morphs from surprise to defeat, unable to counter his sniping abilities with a signature peace sign. Even from twenty feet away, you can hear Jungkook laughing as you take the opportunity to pose for a few moments, like you really are a model and he really is your personal photographer. The sound of his giggles fills the air, music to your ears, lingering between you like dandelion wisps, blown by the wind. 

Another voice breaks you from your trance. 

“And here we have our resident celebrity and her paparazzi,” Jimin says, motioning to the two of you as he speaks to an enormous tour group of potential applicants and their parents. Caught in front of them, the heat suddenly rushes to your cheeks as you instinctively cover your face, embarrassed to have been pointed out by Jimin, whose amicable, lovable personality is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to his part-time job as a tour guide. 

The worst part is how some of the parents and students seem to believe him for a second, that you really are famous and that Jungkook really is your photographer, looking at the two of you inquisitively as you shrink beneath their gazes. 

“I’m kidding,” Jimin quickly continues as Jungkook joins you where you stand, laughing at the way you look like a deer caught in headlights. “They’re just some friends of mine who we happened to catch outside the library, which is our next stop. But don’t they look so cute together?”

“Are you guys dating?” One of the students pipes up, asking what no one else dared to. 

Your eyes widen at the notion, wondering if you and Jungkook really are cursed to always be mistaken for a couple when you two have never been, and most likely will never be one. Shaking your head, you force out a laugh, “No, we’re just friends.” Beside you, Jungkook is noticeably silent. You suppose he’s gotten just as sick of explaining as you. 

“Bummer, right?” Jimin asks his group, earning a couple of disappointed nods from innocent high-schoolers that still believe in love. “But I’m working on that, so don’t worry. Anyway, this library will be your main destination for studying, book-reading, and everything in between, and is conveniently located two minutes away from the freshman dorms…”

The conversation finally drawn away from you and Jungkook, you let out a breath you hadn’t even realized you had been holding in. “Weird, right? Even high-schoolers think we’re together.”

Jungkook doesn’t meet your eyes, fiddling with the settings on his camera just to keep his hands busy. The quiet makes you wonder what is going on up inside his head, makes you wonder what it is he’s thinking about, what it is you’re not seeing. Lately, it’s felt like there’s something on Jungkook’s mind you wish he felt comfortable telling you. 

“Hey, you alright?” You ask, giving him a little nudge with your side. “Did I say something wrong?”

“No,” Jungkook says, voice soft, barely audible. It doesn’t make you feel any better. “No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it. Don’t you have class soon?”

“Oh, shit, you’re right, fuck,” you say, checking your phone only to find you have barely a minute to get to your next class. Guess you’ll be using one of your allotted absences today. “Thanks for reminding me. Dinner tonight?”

“I’ll text you,” Jungkook promises, and you nod your agreement as you dash off, determined to turn a five-minute walk into a one-minute one with the power of exercise. As you leave, you watch as Jungkook flounders outside the library, staring down at his camera and scrolling through his photos, and you still find yourself feeling like you’re missing something. What is Jungkook not telling you? 

What do you not know?

By the time you reach your class, two minutes late and completely out of breath, tardiness is the last thing on your mind.

This project was just meant to be a friend helping out a friend. So why does it feel like you and Jungkook are losing each other?

Using Tinder is easy. Dangerously so.

You’re no expert in app design, but its simplified “yes or no” mechanic has you swiping through people like it’s an extreme sport, barely giving some of them a second glance if their Tinder profile description doesn’t make you laugh within the first sentence. 

Tinder was, admittedly, not your first choice of potential date-finding methods. Call you old-fashioned, but whatever happened to asking someone in person if they wanted to get a meal with you? To showing up at their doorstep with a rose bouquet and a toothy white grin? Perhaps all of those old-timey movies you and Jungkook always watched have given you unrealistic expectations. But can you blame them? 

Even if Tinder wasn’t your first choice, it was certainly the fastest. It takes a second to look at someone’s designated Tinder thumbnail, two to read their description, and three to decide if they’re worth a swipe right. Compare that to actively meeting up with someone, getting their contact information, and then continuing to dance around each other until you finally decide to get dinner together. That’s the sort of thing that could take weeks. Maybe months. And in some cases, years.

Besides, it’s not like you had very many options at your disposal. You don’t trust Maisie to set you up with someone because she’ll probably just choose one of the many boys from her management class and call it a day. Asking someone yourself is absolutely out of the question. And, for some strange, unknown reason, the idea of getting Jungkook to hook you up with one of his friends just doesn’t sit right with you.

So, Tinder it is. And as it turns out, chivalry isn’t dead. It’s just archaic.

An hour into your mindless swiping, you get a message notification. Two hours after that, you’ve got plans with a nice senior boy whom you’ve never met. 

And for the first time in a very long time, there’s something to mark on your calendar for Saturday night.

The little blue block on your Google Calendar tab stares back at you from where your open laptop sits on your desk, the red line that signifies your current time slowly inching towards it as you fumble around in front of your mirror, more dressed up than you have been in weeks. Maisie was right. It’s been so long since you’ve gone out with someone that you’ve completely forgotten what the dress code is for something like this. A dress? Heels? Makeup?

You don’t want to overshoot it, but part of you thinks you will anyway. What if he’s wearing a hoodie and sweats while you look like you’re about to attend the goddamn Academy Awards? Maybe the eyeshadow was a little too much.

You don’t want to overshoot it, but part of you thinks it’s inevitable that you do. The door to your apartment swings open, and you can hear heavy footsteps making their way to your bedroom, that easy gait of his familiar as always.

“Hey, do you think we can just get some take-out and watch a stupid old noir movie, or something? I’ve had a day,” he shouts out, the sigh audible in his voice.

You don’t want to overshoot it, but part of you thinks you definitely have when you turn around to see Jungkook standing right outside your bedroom in the floppiest sweater you’ve ever seen and jeans with holes in the knees, mouth agape as he stares straight at you. It’s impossible not to notice the way his eyes are blown wide at the sight of you, at the way they rake up and down your figure, like he can’t even believe what he’s seeing. It’s impossible not to notice how he seems to flounder at the sight of you.

The only thing that breaks the both of you out of your stupors, frozen in place like two criminals caught red-handed, is the sound of his hulking black backpack thudding to the floor. 

“Whoa.”

“Do you think it’s too much?” You ask, voice wobbly. God, why are you so nervous? It’s just Jungkook. 

“Too much for what?” Jungkook blinks, deliberate and slow, as if he’s determined to make sure his eyes aren’t deceiving him. “Where are you going?”

“I think we’ll have to do a raincheck for the noir movie and takeout,” you say sheepishly, pursing your lips together in fright as you force out a small, tense smile. “I’m… going out. With someone.”

“Like,” Jungkook begins, and even from here you can hear the way he stops himself, hear him breathe out every word, thick on his tongue. “On a date?”

“Yeah.”

It’s a one-syllable word and yet it takes nearly all of your willpower just to say it. Just to confirm what Jungkook’s already thinking. Just to tell him, your best friend, your ride or die, your number one, that you’re going out on a date. 

“Oh.” Jungkook’s voice is lifeless. “Do I know them?”

“No, uh, it’s just some guy I met on Tinder. I don’t know, I just wanted to see what all the hype was about, I guess. And I haven’t really been on a date in a while, so I figured I might just take up the opportunity, so we’re probably just going to go out to a restaurant and maybe go to a club afterwards if we’re still in the mood, and—” You cut yourself off, so nervous that you’ve resorted to your terrible habit of rambling to try and ease the tension. “Why? Do you think it’s too much?”

“You use Tinder?” Jungkook asks instead. It sounds like he’s shocked to hear this. 

“Yeah…” you trail off. “Why?”

Jungkook freezes at the question, but it’s not because it seems like he doesn’t have an answer. It’s because it seems like he does. Only it’s an answer he doesn’t want to share. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing,” he eventually settles on, shaking his head. “You, uh, you look good.”

“You think? I feel like it’s a lot. I don’t know how to dress appropriately for stuff like this anymore,” you ask, palms sweaty as you furiously straighten out the skirt of your dress. “Should I change into pants, or anything?”

“No, no, I think that’s fine,” Jungkook says with an honest smile. “You look nice like this.”

“It’s probably been like, a year since you last saw me in a dress,” you comment mindlessly, turning back to face the mirror as you fiddle with your makeup, finger wiping away a bit of smudged lipstick or a stray bit of mascara. “I miss my sweats. Hey, whoa, wait, what are you doing—?”

You whip around to find Jungkook slowly fishing out the camera from his backpack, hand gripping it tightly as he brandishes it in front of you. 

“I, um, I just wanted to see if I could maybe take a photo of you,” Jungkook says, a small, little grin decorating his features. “Since you’re all dressed up.”

“Seriously?” You ask in disbelief. 

Jungkook nods, holding the camera out in front of him. “Just one.”

He looks so small, standing across your bedroom. He looks so small and delicate and intimate, body curled in on itself ever so slightly as he looks at you, the yellow glow of your ceiling light reflected in his hazelnut eyes, drowning beneath his clothes. He looks like he has never seen a moment more perfect, never seen an opportunity as clear, looks like he thinks that if he blinks he’ll miss it. 

Looks as if a photo will be the only way to remember it. 

And you nod. Because he is your best friend, and who are you to deny him of something so simple? Of a press of a button? It doesn’t feel like a project anymore. It just feels like a memory. 

Jungkook brings the camera to his eye, and you smile at him, soft and gentle and warm. He grins back, focusing the camera lens before snapping away. 

You wonder what he sees. 

(You wonder if it’s as beautiful as what you see.)

“Have fun tonight, okay?” Jungkook asks of you as your Google Calendar notification sounds, letting you know you have approximately two minutes before he’s supposed to pick you up outside your apartment.

You nod. “I will. And if I don’t, then I’ll come over afterwards. And we can watch that stupid noir film.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Jungkook says with a roll of his eyes, a shrug of his shoulders. 

“But I want to. So I will. Okay? I’ll text you,” you promise. “Don’t think I’ll forget about you.”

Jungkook smiles at your little tease, at the way you cup the side of his jaw with your hand as you head towards your front door. 

“Wait, Y/N,” Jungkook sputters out, running after you. He reaches you right as you get to the door, hand grasping the doorknob. You turn to look at him, blinking. “I hope tonight is everything you dreamed of.”

There is something so distinctly sad in his voice. It makes you wonder who has broken his heart. Makes you wonder what you can do to fix it.

“Even if it’s not,” you say to him, taking his hand in your own and squeezing it tight, reminding him that, no matter what, you’re still here. “I know you’ll always be there to take care of me afterwards.”

Your phone buzzes with a message from your date, and you scurry out the door. 

For some reason, there’s a part of you that wishes you never even left. 

The date is okay. Not bad, but nothing to write home about. By the time you finished eating, it was obvious neither of you had any interest in continuing the night elsewhere, whether it be a club or a karaoke bar. He pays for your meal despite your insistence that you can handle the check perfectly fine on your own, thanks you for a nice night, and drops you right back at your apartment. And so goes your one and only Tinder experience, blowing away like a leaf in the wind. 

You look down at your phone. It isn’t even nine o’clock yet. 

[November 7th, 8:48PM]

You: you still game for that movie?

[November 7th, 8:50PM]

Jungkook: you finished your date already?

You: is that a yes or a no

Jungkook: my door is always open, you know that

You: you’re gonna get robbed one day and it’s gonna be by me You: i’m coming over

The walk from your apartment to Jungkook’s is six minutes and thirty seconds on a good day, and seven minutes and fifteen seconds on a bad day, which is usually dependent on if the traffic light over the main road has decided to be extra slow or not. You could walk the damn route in your sleep if you really wanted, having done it so many times in the last year and a half, ever since he moved out of on-campus housing and into his own place.

Tonight, it takes you nearly eight minutes to get to his apartment, but you mostly chalk that up to the heels you’re wearing. If you cared any less about your dignity, you’d probably take them off and walk barefoot like a defeated heroine in a romance movie, shoes dangling from your fingers as they hang low by your side. 

But you aren’t defeated. You didn’t have the world’s most spectacular date, but the night isn’t over just yet. 

Jungkook’s waiting at his front door by the time you arrive. 

“Eight minutes, huh? You’re getting old,” he asks snidely, looking down at the invisible watch on his wrist. 

“Your counting is just off,” you retort easily, falling into that same friendly rhythm, that familiar little beat that the two of you share. You push past him and into his apartment, instantly feeling more at home, shoulders sinking and heartbeat soothing as you soak in the scent of his room, of his home, of him. 

“How’d it go?” Jungkook asks, eyes hopeful as they watch you tug off your heels. They were hardly three inches tall and yet you still want nothing to do with them. 

You shrug. “Eh. It was okay.”

“Just okay?” Jungkook asks, sounding seriously upset for you. Upset that you didn’t have a good night even after you promised him that you would. Upset that it didn’t turn out to be everything you wanted. 

“I don’t know,” you admit, looking over at him, dejected. “It just—I just had this feeling that it wasn’t going to work out.”

Jungkook scowls to himself, eyebrows furrowing like he’s trying to figure out what exactly you mean by that. And the truth is, you’re not sure either. The date was fine, and he was nice, but even when you first met it felt like you weren’t going to get what you wanted from him. Like you were just going on the date to go on the date. Like you already knew that it would mean nothing. 

Jungkook was going to be waiting for you at the end of the night whether it went amazingly well or terribly bad. And knowing that, strangely enough, almost made you want the date to be horrible. Like it would make seeing Jungkook afterwards that much sweeter. 

“Oh,” Jungkook says lamely. “Well, I’m sorry. It seemed like you were really looking forward to it.”

“It’s alright,” you assure him. “Can we just watch this movie now and make fun of how sexist it is? Please?”

To that, Jungkook easily agrees. As he’s queueing up the movie, you raid his closet for a hoodie and sweatpants, desperate to strip yourself of your dress and tights and cozy up in clothes that are much more appropriate for your comfort level. At this point in your friendship, Jungkook doesn’t even question it when he sees you march into his room, fishing through his closet and drawers for your favorite matching set of his, this grey pair that he’s worn so much it still smells like him even after it’s come right out of the wash. 

He only stares back in awe when he sees you emerge from his bedroom wearing them. 

“Ready?” You ask, breaking him from his resolve.

Jungkook blinks wildly from where he’s seated on his dinky old couch, as if to clear his vision. “What? Oh, yeah, I’ve been waiting for you.”

“Then hurry it up, Mister,” you demand, sitting down next to him and curling into his body. It’s instinctual, at this point, wanting to be close to him. To feel the warmth of his body radiate upon your own. To feel his chest beneath the palm of your hands, his arm wrapped around your side. “All good?” You ask, looking up at him. 

Jungkook looks down at you, and you swear, you’ve never seen him more at home. “Always, when I’m with you.”

The movie is predictably good and predictably sexist, but your favorite part by far is when Jungkook reaches around on the coffee table in front of you for his camera, holding it up to his eye and snatching a picture of the television, the film grainy like an old polaroid, faded like an antique photograph. He clicks away at the scene in front of him before turning on you, the lens so close to your face you’re almost certain all he’ll manage to capture is your nose. You laugh, pushing yourself away from him as he snaps, and snaps, and snaps, image after image after image, until his camera battery has died and there’s no more room left on his card. 

“Guess I’ll have to charge this thing, then,” Jungkook sighs as he declares his camera dead, screen black. 

“You aren’t going to include any of those, are you?” You ask, an eyebrow raised. 

Jungkook shrugs. “Why wouldn’t I?”

“Don’t you have enough?” You deadpan, thinking back to the hundreds of photos Jungkook must have taken of you over the past week, and even more that you don’t know about. There’s certainly no shortage of them in his current camera inventory. That’s for sure. 

“Never,” Jungkook says wickedly. He stretches out an open arm, and you don’t have to think twice about falling into it, letting him wrap you up in his hold, curling into his body. 

The black television screen crackles before you, DVD player waiting for Jungkook to turn it off. There’s no need for either of you to look up at each other. Not when you’re strung together like this. Not when you already know exactly where he is. 

“It’s due on Monday, right?” You inquire softly, fatigue slowly overtaking you. 

“Yeah. I’m almost finished, just have to do some curating and editing.”

“I want to see it.”

“What? My project?”

“What else?”

“It’s just a project, it’s not that exciting.”

You pull away from him at that, looking up at him with furrowed brows and scrunched-up nose. “What do you mean ‘it’s not that exciting’? It’s your photography project. You’ve spent a whole week working on it.”

“Yeah, but it’s just you, you know?” Jungkook objects. “Like, you know what you look like. It’s just going to be a bunch of photos of you, like I said it’d be.”

“That’s exactly why I want to see it,” you say like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You took pictures of me for a whole week. Don’t you want to share them with me?”

“If you really want some of the photos, I’ll send you some, but you don’t need to see the whole portfolio, you know? It’s just for my professor,” Jungkook says stiffly, surprisingly resistant. What’s the big deal? It’s not like there will suddenly be new information about you that you didn’t know before. You want to see what Jungkook has been working tirelessly on this entire week. Where’s the harm in that?

“Why are you getting so hung up on this? It’s just photos,” you say with a frown. 

“Why are you getting so hung up on this?” Jungkook challenges back. 

You sigh, sinking back into him, defeated. Even a little disagreement like that is enough to knock the wind out of the both of you, so you decide not to push it much further. 

“Do you promise to show me eventually?” You ask, hopeful.

Jungkook pauses for a moment, and you almost expect him to say no, considering how protective of his work he’s being. “One day,” he declares. “One day, I will.”

And that’s good enough for you. 

You lose track of how much time passes after that, feeling your eyelids getting heavy as the warmth of his body envelopes you, drowsiness settling in. There’s just something about this moment, right here, right now, that makes you want to fall asleep.

You’re on the verge of slumber when Jungkook’s voice breaks through.

“Why didn’t you think your date would work out?”

“I don’t know,” you respond sleepily, barely even opening your eyes. “It just felt wrong.”

“How do you know what feels right?”

Good question. Perhaps if you had the energy, you’d answer it. But right now, all you can think about is how cozy you feel in Jungkook’s hoodie and sweatpants, how the scent of him surrounds you, that indescribable, boyish aroma that can’t be replicated. Right now, all you can think about is how easily your body molds into his, like two pieces of a puzzle meant to fit together. Right now, all you can think about is him. 

The worst part about each and every week is when it ends. Because the end of one week signifies the beginning of the next, and when you’re in university, the beginning of the next week means a whole new batch of assignments that you have to complete and a whole new batch of due dates to meet. 

So, yeah. The weeks have been blurring together for you lately. But what else could you expect?

Sunday evening, as per usual, finds you right back where you always are: Jungkook’s apartment. 

The two of you have been regularly getting together on Sundays to study, ever since you both realized you work significantly harder when motivated by the other, determined to finish all of your work on time so you can spend the rest of the night fooling around by mixing Monster with as many unhealthy drinks that you can possibly think of. And it’s been working out well for the both of you so far. Jungkook powers through his coding assignments and you whiz through your readings, intent on keeping up to date with your tasks so they don’t all come crashing down on you at the end of the semester. 

Studying with Jungkook has always been easy, largely due to the fact that it’s the one allotted time during your friendship where the both of you deem it best to not speak to each other for the sake of your work. The moment one of you opens your mouth it’s over, so you sit on opposite ends of the room and pretend that the other person isn’t even there. 

Jungkook told you earlier today that he had already finished his photography portfolio, so there would unfortunately be no sneaky glances over his shoulder to see if you can catch a glimpse of one of the pictures. Which is fine by you, you’re just a little embarrassed that Jungkook had told you this outright. Not that you were planning to do exactly that, but you were planning to do exactly that. 

Part of you. more than anything, wants to know why Jungkook won’t just show you himself. Why he’s being so secretive, so protective of his photography project when you both know already exactly what’s in it. For God’s sake, he just spent the entire week taking photos of you non-stop. It’s like not as if any part of this is a mystery to either of you. What more could he have done?

Whatever. You aren’t going to force it if he doesn’t want you to. You suppose that maybe one day, far into the future, he’ll finally decide that the time is right. 

“I’m so fucking tired,” Jungkook declares lifelessly as he gets up from where he’s sitting on your bed, dead inside. “I need a break.”

“Are you going to the kitchen? Can you make me some tea, please?” You ask him, looking up from the laptop on your desk. 

Jungkook nods wordlessly before disappearing out of the room. 

You and Jungkook’s best study practice to maximize productivity is the taking of each other’s cell phones so that the other cannot be tempted to look at it. It’s worked plenty of times before and will probably work plenty of times again, because as they say, out of sight, out of mind. 

Unfortunately, it’s hard to pretend that your phone is out of sight when it’s been buzzing on your bedside table for the past five minutes, and your fingers have been itching to get over there and answer your damn notifications. So, while Jungkook is out of the room, you decide to cheat a little by dashing over there just to see what the heck is going on in the rest of the world. 

As it turns out, nothing much. Just Maisie texting you as she binges yet another television show, giving spoiler-free updates anytime anything remotely dramatic happens. You have a couple of new emails as well. 

The thing that actually catches your attention the most, is Jungkook’s laptop screen. 

There’s just a Word document open on it, but a Word document is a far cry from his usual coding program or Photoshop. Because you can’t help yourself, you peer over to see what he’s written. 

What did you learn about yourself through this assignment? How do you think you’ve changed?

Hard to say that I have. I don’t think I learned something about myself so much as I confirmed what I already knew, cementing it as a real thought in my brain, rather than just a daydream. Nothing changed in the way that my best friend and I interacted, and I can almost confirm that nothing changed in the way that she feels about me, just as nothing changed in the way I feel about her. I guess you could say I learned that I don’t think anything could ever change the way I feel about her. 

What?

Do you think you’ll ever look back on this project, whether it be as a reference or a memory?

Yes. Not as a reference but to remind myself of this very moment in my life—a single week over the course of my life that I felt was worth saving. I imagine that there will come a time, far in the future, where my best friend and I have separated a little bit, found our own lives and created our own families with our own people. And when that happens, I will look back on this project to remind myself of who we used to be. How we used to feel about each other. Maybe, by that point in time, it won’t hurt as much as it does now. 

This feels personal. Maybe you should stop reading. But there’s just one more question left on the page… 

This assignment forced you to create an entire portfolio, from scratch, using a subject you would have to regularly schedule time with. It was demanding. But, that said, would you ever do this again?

Yes. If it meant getting to spend more time with her, take more photos of her, see her smile once more, I would do it a thousand times over. 

“Y/N?”

You hadn’t even heard the kettle whistling. 

“Jungkook,” you say, breathless, caught red-handed. 

“What are you doing?” He asks, placing your steaming cup of tea down on the desk as he stares back at you in horror, in surprise, in worry, in something. Something that gives you this imminent sense of impending doom. 

“Uh—”

“Were you reading my computer screen?”

It’s not like you could say you were doing anything else. 

“I couldn’t help myself, I came over here to check my phone since it’s been buzzing like crazy and your computer was right there and I just…” you sputter out, thoughts swirling inside your head. 

(I will look back on this project to remind myself of who we used to be. How we used to feel about each other. Maybe, by that point in time, it won’t hurt as much as it does now. 

If it meant getting to see her smile once more, I would do it a thousand times over. 

I guess you could say I learned that I don’t think anything could ever change the way I feel about her.)

“What do you mean, how you feel about me?” You ask, because you can’t help yourself. Because the sound of his voices echoes in your head like the beat of a drum, over and over and over. Because you’re staring back at him and even if he just caught you snooping through his computer you can never be worried when it comes to him. Because everything he has ever done puts you at ease. 

“Y/N, that is private, why would you read something like that?” He asks, each word a sucker punch into your heart. 

“Because I just had to know, okay?” You shout back. “I had to know what you were hiding from me.”

“So you decided to snoop through my computer to see if you could figure it out yourself?” He demands, storming over to you. 

“So you are hiding something?”

“That’s not the point, the point is that—”

“What are you not telling me, Jungkook?” You cry out, watching as he approaches you, dark eyes piercing your gaze. “Why won’t you show me your goddamn portfolio? If there’s really nothing to be afraid of, why are you keeping it from me? I’m your best friend, I’m the fucking subject of your project? Don’t I deserve to see it? Why won’t you show me?”

“Because then you’d know!” Jungkook shouts back, leaving deafening silence in his wake. You look up at him, blinking. In front of you, Jungkook is out of breath, chest heaving. 

He looks so strained. So tired. Like he’s been carrying around this secret for months now, maybe even years, and this is the final straw. This is what has sent the both of you crashing down upon each other. This stupid fucking project. You’ve known Jungkook ever since the beginning of your freshman year, and never before have you seen him so hopeless. 

“Jungkook—?”

“You’d know, goddamnit,” Jungkook says, hand coming up to rub at his forehead, dragging down his cheek. “And I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that.”

“Know what? What would I know?” 

Jungkook closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Opens them again. “That I’m in love with you.”

The words drift in between the two of you, hovering in the air like feathers. You see them, clear as day, in front of you, hear them echoing in your head, over and over and over again. Feel the way your blood is pumping, the way your heart is beating. 

“You’re in love with me?” You ask him. 

“I didn’t want you to find out this way,” Jungkook admits. “Or at all, really. But I have been, for a while now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was afraid that I’d lose you.”

You chuckle, a small, little thing from the back of your throat. “You must have known I’d never let that happen, hmm?”

Jungkook smiles softly. “I was scared. Can you blame me? You’re my best friend.”

“And you are mine,” you remind him. 

“It’s just—” Jungkook begins, like the gates of a dam are opening up. “We’d known each other for so long, and we have such a good thing going as is, always texting and calling and hanging out together, studying together on Sunday nights and seeing each other during the week, and I didn’t want to ruin anything. And then my professor assigned this project, and the only person I could think of to take photos was you, but I didn’t want to ask that of you in case you thought it was weird, but you suggested it anyway so I said yes, but I knew. I knew then that the moment I took one goddamn photo of you it would be obvious, and that if you ever saw you would just know. Stuff like that is easy to pick up in pictures, because a camera is like, tunnel vision for whatever it is you want to focus on most, and that’s you, that’s always been you, so I—”

“Jungkook,” you interrupt, reaching out to him, pressing a soft hand to his cheek. “Just, shut up, okay?”

And then you cup his head in both of your hands, and press a kiss to his lips. A small one, if nothing else, but a kiss nonetheless. You press your lips against his own and immediately you feel the sparks rush through you, this flash of heat that settles into something softer, something sweeter. It ignites and soothes you all at once, like a stray lightning bolt out on the open ocean. Like a single clap of thunder and the pitter patter of rain. 

You press a kiss to his lips and when you pull away, Jungkook’s eyes are closed, lips parted ever so slightly. And for a moment there, you almost think you did the wrong thing. 

But barely a second more passes before he’s scooping you up in his arms and pulling you in close to him, his lips finding yours like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. He holds you tight, hands pressed against the small of your back as he kisses you, warm and fiery and full, as if he can’t get enough, as if this is his only chance. You gasp into it before relaxing in his hold, cold hands on his warm cheeks, body melting at the feeling of him, of him all over you, of his hands and his mouth and his chest, this perfect, solid figure. 

He kisses you and it sends heat shooting through your body, filling you up from the inside out, like your heart has burst and filled your bloodstream with fire, with sparks of warmth that tingle all over. He kisses you, and everywhere his hands press is another sizzle to your skin, an electric shock that makes you giggle into his mouth. 

He kisses you and it feels like a storm has settled, feels like gentle rain after a hurricane, feels like waves crashing against the shore. He kisses you and it is the only thing you can think about. 

By the time you part once more, you don’t think you’ve ever seen Jungkook so blissed out. 

“See?” You point out softly. “Nothing to be afraid of.”

Jungkook looks positively dazed. “I think I need to lie down.”

“Ooh, was I that good?” You tease.

“I’m dreaming.” He shakes his head. “I’m definitely fucking dreaming.”

Jungkook sinks onto your bed, hitting the mattress with a thud. He stares mindlessly in front of him, like his brain needs time to process. 

You smile to yourself. He can have all the time in the world. 

“Is this real?” He mumbles when you sit down next to him, press another kiss to the corner of his mouth. “Are you real?”

“Just like you,” you promise him. “I didn’t know this is what we had been missing, all this time.”

“It wasn’t missing,” Jungkook assures you. “It was just hidden.”

“I love you,” you whisper, watching him swallow the words like a glass of wine. “I think I always have. You just needed to say it first.”

“Oblivious as always.” Jungkook grins, smiling against your lips. “But I’m glad. If this is what it would take, then I’m glad.”

“You wouldn’t change anything?” You ask him, eyes wide and curious. 

It’s hard to know how long you and Jungkook have been secretly pining over each other. Hard to know how long Jungkook has known that he’s loved you, how long it’s been since you started to feel the same, even if subconsciously. It’s hard to know how long you would have kept going if not for this project. It might have been months. Years. Years that Jungkook was willing to spend holding back, if only it meant keeping you by his side. 

“No,” Jungkook says like it’s the easiest answer in the world. “I have you now. Why would I?”

What did you learn about yourself through this assignment? How do you think you’ve changed?

Previously, I had responded to this question by saying that I hadn’t learned anything, and felt that nothing changed in my life. Then, some things happened. And after those things, I learned that I am the luckiest man alive. To know my best friend is one thing. To love her is a privilege. To have her love me back is nothing less than a miracle.

Do you think you’ll ever look back on this project, whether it be as a reference or a memory?

Yes. Every day for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’ve ever been as thankful to receive a homework assignment as I am, right now. I owe everything to this project. It is the reason I have her. 

This assignment forced you to create an entire portfolio, from scratch, using a subject you would have to regularly schedule time with. It was demanding. But, that said, would you ever do this again?

Yes. I want to take photos of her for the rest of my life. I want to save every memory we ever share together. So that far into the future, we can look back on them together and say, “Remember that?”

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget to message me with any thoughts or feedback!

have you noticed in the latest chapter the light is gone from Izuku's eyes? The same way it was gone from Katsuki's between his rescue and Deku vs Kacchan 2 fight. Izuku is hurting inside and im sitting here wondering how long will it be til he hits breaking point

so I’m late in answering these two asks (got them last week after 309 came out) because a certain someone had his birthday and so I was busy reading fanfic and hunting down gremlin faces, and then 310 came along and so I got distracted with that, and also I just suck at answering asks. but anyways, yes. yes to all of this, and thank you both for pointing this out. like, let’s talk about this. because this is how Deku’s eyes look normally,

and this is him in the latest chapter.

first of all, this is really well-played imo, because it’s all about consistency. it’s a very subtle change (or at least I thought it was lol), and the reason it’s so effective is because Horikoshi is so consistent in drawing the “normal” bright-eyed Deku look that you can’t help but notice the change when he suddenly stops. even if you can’t necessarily put your finger on exactly what’s off at first, I think most people definitely got that feeling of something being wrong. and that’s very deliberate.

so why is this important? well because a lot of people’s big fear right now is that the story is tacitly endorsing Deku’s recent choices and painting them as right/correct. namely, people are worried that this whole thing with Deku striking off on his own (because let’s be real, that’s exactly what he’s done; it doesn’t matter that All Might and the Hawksquad are accompanying him, because he’s clearly keeping his distance from them and is ready to give them the slip the moment things get bad) is going to be framed as The Right Decision Which Is Best For Everyone. and for a lot of people, that comes as a betrayal, because up until this point the series has espoused teamwork and trust as core virtues, and what Deku is doing right now is basically the opposite of that.

and this is why little details like the Despondent Eyes of Angst and Despair (or D.E.A.D. eyes for short) are so important -- because they signal to us that this is not the case. they are a very clear visual indicator that in spite of him appearing to have his shit together, Deku is very much not okay right now. like, let me just repeat that one more time: Deku is not fine. Deku is very much not fine here at all. Despondent Eyes of Angst and Despair are not just a little thing to be ignored. D.E.A.D. eyes are a dead giveaway that a character is Going Through It and is not in the right state of mind right now and needs help. but before I start spamming this post with images, let me add a read more cut.

okay, so! case in point,

Nana’s eyes normally:

vs. Nana’s eyes when she’s talking about potentially killing her grandson in order to defeat AFO:

Iida’s eyes normally:

vs. Iida’s eyes when he’s plotting premeditated murder to avenge his brother:

and again, Deku’s eyes normally:

vs. Deku’s eyes in chapters 306 through 310:

Deku’s eyes were still clear all the way up through chapter 305 when he was talking to the Vestiges about wanting to save Tomura. in fact, they were clear af when he was giving his speeches about that, because that light in his eyes always shines brightest when he’s speaking and acting with true conviction. it’s one of the ways the art shows us how determined he is. when Deku talks about saving people no matter what, he’s speaking straight from the heart about one of the core principles of his character, and the look in his eyes reflects that.

now contrast that against the look in his eyes when he talks about not wanting anyone else to get hurt:

once you see it, you can’t not see it. it’s Horikoshi’s way of showing that even though it may sound like the Same Old Deku on the surface, it absolutely is not the Deku we’ve come to know and love. something is deeply wrong. even though these might appear to be the same old convictions he’s always had -- protect everyone at all costs -- he’s gone from acting out of belief and principle to acting out of fear. he’s afraid of someone else getting hurt because of him. he’s so afraid that he’s pushing people away left and right to stop it from happening again. and that fear is holding him back, because as long as he’s holding himself apart from everyone else and trying to do it all solo, he’s making the same mistake that All Might once did. no one can bear all of that weight on their shoulders alone. AFO isn’t someone who can be defeated by any one person alone. the only way he’s ever going to be defeated is if the characters hold true to the one ideal that’s at the very core of the series: one for all. the combined strength of many, working together to overcome the selfish, arrogant, limited strength of one.

basically, this right here is why I haven’t been concerned about the story suddenly veering off the rails with this latest development. like, this isn’t Our Lord And Savior Deku being put on a pedestal and worshipped while all the other characters are shoved aside. this is Literally-Still-Just-A-Child Deku having an angst spiral while the distracted adults around him try their best to keep an eye on him but kind of suck at it because there’s too much other stuff going on that they’re also trying to deal with. All Might could be the one to help him in theory, but in practice he’s too accommodating and doesn’t really know how to say ‘no’ to this kid he loves like his own son, and right now he’s basically letting Deku walk all over him. as for the Vestiges, they’re great for helping Deku in battle, but well, how do I put this lol. basically I’m not fully sold on trusting Deku’s mental health to a bunch of angst-ridden martyrs who all died willingly in order to further the cause of taking AFO down. not really the best life coaches, there.

but you know who I do trust to finally get through to Deku and get him to see reason and start having faith in others again?

these guys.

so yeah. tl;dr, Deku isn’t okay right now and we’re not meant to think he is. and unless I’m way off base, this is going to be a very temporary arrangement. I don’t think Deku can continue as he is right now indefinitely. saving others has been his whole thing since the very start of the manga, but like everything else, eventually it has to come full circle. and I think that very soon, it’s finally going to be his turn to be saved. luckily for him, he’s got some good (and determined) friends. and as they say, giving help that’s not asked for is part of what makes a true hero.

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist

Hi! Okay, so since this is a very long post, I will try to answer each of your questions/concerns in the order you mention them.

So about persisting, I can understand how it seems a bit complicated. You persist when, after a certain period of time, you still don't see movement of your desires manifesting OR if you see the OPPOSITE of your desires manifest. Oftentimes, when you finally open up your mind to the idea that your mind creates your reality, then some past doubts and fears can manifest as well. Your mind will often try to manifest opposite things in order to make you feel like you are doing something wrong, which is why so many loa teachers say to persist. It can be very difficult for people to persist, which is why so many people feel like they can't manifest, or that manifestation isn't real, because their 3D reality has too much weight in their lives, so they take it as truth and end up giving up on their desires manifesting. It's important to begin to believe that your 3D reality is extremely malleable and is only a reflection of your inner reality. You need to take the power away from the 3D and give it to yourself and your ability to create exactly what you want.

Then you ask about proof of manifestation. It is very true and understandable that other people's success stories are not enough for many people because you want to be able to trust the information that you are going to be getting into. Personally, before getting into manifestation, I already had my fair share of unexplainable success stories in my life, so it just seemed like an answer to the questions I've had all my life. Even with these success stories and experiences, when I first got into manifestation, I still would doubt myself by wondering if it was simply a coincidence these things happened, or worse, that I was becoming delusional. I want to tell you that every single person who is now into manifestation has gone through this feeling. We all worry that we are just doing "wishful thinking" and being delusional because the world we have grown up in has always been so practical. It's not easy to believe in something that seems so impossible without any previous personal experience. So, the only advice I can give you for this is to try to manifest extremely small things to build your faith over time, such as seeing a yellow butterfly, getting your favorite food, or seeing some sort of sign, so that you would know that what we are talking about is actually the truth. Also, there are so many documents that go more in-depth on how our minds create our reality, including CIA documents and books about the science of manifestation, such as books by Joe Dispenza, and books about the subconscious mind, such as books by Joseph Murphy, and many many more. Since the only way, you will really believe in manifestation is by having your own experiences, then manifesting small easy things is probably the best route.

Then, you mention how you're worried about "someone manifesting failure into your reality." My view on this is that you are the only person who can affect your life and nothing can happen to you that you don't specifically manifest into your reality (whether it be consciously or unconsciously). Everyone can manifest, yes. Everyone has control over their reality. You can even manifest people acting in certain ways towards you. But that's in your experience specifically. If we are talking about quantum physics, time is not linear, technically all possibilities of all time, ever, exists right now. We also shift through different realities at every moment depending on our mindset, beliefs, and decisions. So, if someone manifests something in their life that would affect "you" but does not align with your thoughts and beliefs, then it won't show up in your reality. You have control over your own reality, nothing comes into your life without you allowing it, so that's a very empowering thought, in my opinion. I really suggest that you affirm this so that you don't have to worry about others manifesting negativity over your life because you would never personally decide to manifest it into your own life.

I also want to talk about how you worry about affirming wrong or simply manifesting wrong. It's Important to note that these beliefs can also negatively affect your manifestation because that is not you truly living in the end. If you were living in the end, you would know that simply deciding that you want this to happen, means that it will happen and that it has to happen. You never need to doubt your manifesting process because your subconscious mind is so powerful and it is so easy to make it do things for you! Just like what @divineangelbee says, you can COMMAND your subconscious mind and it will listen and give you exactly what you want. You don't have to visualize or affirm or do anything. Simply tell your subconscious exactly what you want it to do and trust that it listens! I really think that the reason that you have not been having too much success is because of this, that you are constantly doubting your methods which keeps you from truly living in the end.

Then, about limiting beliefs. It can be beneficial to people to be aware of their limiting beliefs. However, there has been such an intense focus on limiting beliefs in the loa community (mostly on youtube) that I see so much. Coaches keep you focused on the problem of limiting beliefs so much that they don't actually help you move on from them. Personally, I found that whenever I focused on my limiting beliefs, it was like living in the old story. (if you don't get this reference, I seriously suggest you read or listen to Neville Goddard's lectures in which he talks about the law of assumption. They are life-changing). Focusing on limiting beliefs keeps you stuck in that story you are telling yourself about your life. It keeps you from overcoming them and becoming limitless. It helps me to affirm that my limiting beliefs no longer have the power to hold me back. I don't have any more limiting beliefs because I manifested not having them anymore. Manifestation works in many different ways, and a lot of people don't realize that you can simply manifest your desired mindset as well. I suggest trying this!

So, to make this as clear as possible, I will tell you how I personally manifest (disclaimer: people manifest differently, many different things work for different people, I am not saying this is the only or best way to manifest, but this is just what works for me).

First, I get my idea of what I want to manifest. Usually, I want to manifest multiple things at a time, there really is no limit.

Then, I will decide what will help me "feel it real" and "live in the end." This can include techniques, but I don't use techniques every time. I don't like to visualize because I am personally a maladaptive daydreamer, so visualizing makes me feel like I am daydreaming, which keeps me from really feeling like it's really happening. (But, if it works for you, by all means, go for it) I may print out a picture if it's a physical item in order to trick my brain into having something physical that represents this or adding it to a Pinterest vision board (I am a very visual person, so it always works for me). I also like to make a list of what I want just to keep it in a place that I can go back to and mark off in the future, telling my brain that this is a goal I need to achieve (I find that my brain loves to check things off of my goals, it makes my subconscious mind already start working towards the goal). But most of the work goes into my mindset. I don't affirm a lot because I feel like it becomes a chore if I have to recite affirmations all day every day. I may put up affirmations on my chalkboard or put them on my computer, but I don't make it a habit to really say them at specific times, etc. I really focus on making myself feel deserving of getting my manifestation and I also live in the end. Living in the end is where you feel confident that your desire is already yours. If it helps, which it does for me, I like to believe that I have it already in the "quantum field," or the 5D, or however you believe in it. It is not about being delusional and pretending like you have it, no, it's about feeling trusting in your own power to make this happen for you and it will come, no matter what.

After that, I "drop it." I don't forget about it or stop desiring it, that's not what letting go means. It means that I know that I don't need to do anything or force anything to happen because my subconscious, or the universe, will bring this to me and I don't need to worry about anything related to my desire. I also self-regulate my emotions by meditating, focusing on the things that make me happy, and reminding myself of how powerful and capable I am.

Then, eventually, it manifests. Or, if it doesn't come in the timeframe I wanted it to, or if something that would oppose my desire pops up, I focus on my own self-concept, making sure I genuinely feel deserving of and that I can get what I want, and I persist in that feeling that my desire is still mine. No matter if I got rejected, no matter if they told me I couldn't get the job, no matter if it looks like it won't happen. I still persist. and then it comes.

Finally, I want to mention that I am only here to give advice and I can't make anything physically happen for you. To see actual movement in your reality, you need to be willing to go through failures in order to find out what works for you. I have had manifestations fail, I have had MANY manifestations fail. It's not always a perfect process. I don't charge money, my identity is not on this page, I am not here to be a famous coach or to act like I know any better than anyone else. I am just trying to help you guys reach the point that you deserve to get to in your life. But I can only do so much. I really hope this helps.

Unpopular opinion: Christians are not witches

I said it. Fight me.

There has been a trend that has been growing ever more problematic recently: overbearing, hyper-zealous, hyper-vigilant "acceptance" This means the pagan community is an absolute free-for all, and you are not allowed to so much as even feign the possibility that you do not agree with absolutely 100% of everything, lest you be named a gatekeeping, ignorant bigot.

Whether you like it or not - there ARE paths out there that have specific rules...regulations...stipulations...tenets - whatever the hell you want to call or classify them. End. Period. There's no other colour that comes in - that's it. Sorry for you, but they DO exist. In fact, there are many of them.

If you do not follow those rules, tenets, etc..., then you are not of that path. Point. Blank. And there is nothing wrong with that - it simply means that you are of some other path. That's it! That's all that means! It may be *nearly* identical to the path in question - but it is not, hence the 'nearly'.

If you happen to be a part of one of these paths, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying so. If someone claims to be a part of one of these paths, but are absolutely, blatantly not - there is nothing wrong with saying that, and explaining why that is. Some people just honestly don't know there is a difference, or that these certain prerequisites are indeed a definitive factor - so they learn something, they broaden their horizons. Everyone seems to be all about educating themselves about being sensitive to other cultures and customs - except the pagan community, apparently, because this mentality does not translate across that pagan/witch line. Instead of taking it as a learning experience, you are immediately pounced on with notions of 'there are no rules!' 'you can't tell someone what to do on their own path!' Or, simply, the name calling. Well yes, while all of that is true - it still remains that how ever you want to practice or whatever you personally decide to do, may just simply not be what you are claiming, or calling it. It may just be semantics - but semantics matter when dealing with nuance. And paganism is extremely nuanced.

You can call a tomato an orange all you want to - but that thing will never be an orange, no matter how much you believe in it. And people are not wrong for informing you that you may have the wrong name, that is in fact, a tomato. If you go on deciding to call it an orange, you can do that - but that is willful ignorance. So, in your fight to be unapologetically accepting of every ridiculous notion, you are perpetuating willful ignorance - whilst being directly in opposition of your goal and being, *GASP*, unaccepting to those who follow a path where distinction and definition matters. You are completely invalidating those people's paths and beliefs while trying to defend another's (another who may, in fact, actually be wrong) and actively using their path & beliefs as the very reason to berate and ostracize them. Pretty fantastically hypocritical of you. Now...on to the second problem. I do not, at all, in any form, believe in "ritual magick" - as perpetuated by Aleister Crowley hardons. And no, that is not a knock on Crowley, just the idiot followers that don't understand half of what he taught and latch onto the superficial.

When you look at the origins and make up of magical beliefs, and magic itself as a separate entity - no matter which particular branch - they were all created by religion. They all have roots in highly spiritual cultures and customs. So, I absolutely do not believe for one second that you can believe in magic without SOME form of religion - whatever one you adhere to is your choice, but you cannot have the first without the latter. You cannot. Even if you claim that you have no religion, or spiritual faith, your practices absolutely do. You are calling on elements and agencies that absolutely have divine ties and connections one way or another. Oh, how many atheists I see calling on the seals of Arch Angels.... are you fucking shittin me? Really?? So let's bring it all together now - with the fact that many faiths DO have prerequisites, AND the fact that magic is religious/spiritual -- Christians are not, and cannot be witches or pagans. They are mutually exclusive. Not only because so many various paths have such prerequisites, and very define religious/spiritual beliefs that are contradictory to others - but simply because Christianity DOES, very much, have very clear and stringently defined Do's & Don'ts, and obviously the religious aspect itself clashes with the religious beliefs of others. Their religious beliefs clash with people who believe in their same god - so how could they not with those who believe in other gods?? Considering this, no other path would even need such stipulations themselves for them to be mutually exclusive, as Christianity already covers that issue so completely, but the fact that so many pagan paths do only exacerbates an already existing problem. That being said - that does not mean you cannot believe in the Christian 'god', by whatever name you know him by - or that you cannot believe in Jesus, and also be a witch or pagan. In fact the latter has an even bigger argument for believing in both, as paganism, generically, in itself is polytheistic, so it is very fitting to simply have the Christian god and Jesus amongst the many deities being worshipped. But those two things alone is not what makes Christianity. A good start, yes, but that is not all it takes - in fact, there are many that are shunned, excommunicated, banned, condemned and moreso whilst having those very two qualifying factors. You can find this in *every single* sect of Christianity, so...the proof is in the pudding, as they say, that it is much more than simply believing in 'God' and Jesus that makes a 'Christian'. And if you take that to heart and follow all those rules - you cannot be a witch or pagan, many times over, as you would be in direct opposition, or violation, of a number of their teachings - both on the aspect of simple 'rules', but also on a much deeper spiritual level of the entire foundation of their faith. Cannot serve two masters, and all that... If you do not follow those rules, then sure, you could be a witch or a pagan - but then you cannot be a Christian. That is just the facts.

Many people like to argue the use of magic and mysticism in the bible - but the issue is what parts of the bible they are found, and all the amendments of the further books. Again, what really carves out being a Christian vs. any of the other sects of Abrahamic beliefs. As, news flash - there is far more than just Christianity. And some of them, do, in fact, do hand in hand with magic. The Kabbalah is an astounding example of that - and, in fact, where a lot of the so called *ahem* 'non'-religious 'ritual magick' comes from. In this same vein, I would like to note that I have never had any issue or seen conflict with the Hebrew or Jewish take on shamans, mystics and witches, as they really do go hand in hand - They have their own very in depth, detailed, spiritual and sentimental form of mysticism that was a natural progression from pre-Abrahamic religions and culture, and grew into their teachings and belief system, so it does not go against their core beliefs the same way it very stringently does in Christian theology. Considering their ethnical histories and cultural heritage - this is a brilliant example of the natural evolution and progression of faiths - not simply ripped from the hands of the brutally oppressed and rewritten as a mockery to wipe out the preexisting notion of faiths -- as the Church has a history of doing. The Book of Enoch is another shining example of Biblical magic, or Angelic magic. But, this also also turns my point into a self fulfilling prophecy, as in the fact that it is accepted amongst all denominations as heresy, and it is taught that these magics - though they do, in fact, exist, were for the angels and completely forbidden from mankind. So, thusly, if you are a follower of Enoch, you are not a 'Christian', by name and membership, as you are outright going against it's teachings. You are a heretic, a blasphemer. Perhaps you may be one of the many other forms of the Christian god's followers - but not a Christian, as being Christian denotes a very specific set of beliefs and tenets - end of story. Magic, and paganism, is in direct conflict with those teachings, and therefore, cannot coexist.

On top of the logic - there is also the emotional issue. Christianity has a long history of abuse towards various pagan, tribal and indigenous faiths, while stealing our beliefs as their own, and demonizing those they couldn't successfully acclimate into theirs. To now be expected to be OK with this faith, yet again, latching on to *our* sacred rites and practices as being a part of their own is a hard pill to swallow at best, a slap in the face to most, and flat out perpetuating trauma at worst. Once upon a time, people sought out these very same communities and groups within their pagan circles as an escape, a safe space, and a shield and guardian against the Christian onslaught, torment, oppression, or just exhaustion - and now, we must not only tolerate them invading our private spaces, but must now welcome them with open arms and expected to be happy about it? Forgive me if I don't sympathize....

If we are going to now be forced into being shoulder to shoulder with them, the very least you can offer us is neutrality. You can be accepting of all and still be neutral grounds - not taking any one side anywhere, all you have to do is be respectful to each other. Disagreement is not disrespectful. Could someone who disagrees with a certain viewpoint *become* disrespectful? Sure, of course they could. But simply the act of disagreement is nothing hateful or hurtful in any way shape or form - in fact, good discourse is how progress is made. So we need to remain neutral grounds and normalize the acceptance of different viewpoints - we need to recognize and accept that, yes, there are paths out there that do have specific requirements, expectations and limits - there are paths that are going to disagree, or just flat out not believe in something. Instead of name calling, when someone of those paths decides to speak up and enlighten and elaborate on information that may be inaccurately described or depicted, you need to LISTEN and learn, and not just bludgeon them with presumptive judgement. You also need to accept that there are many, various different closed practices out there - beyond Native American & Voodoo practices (as those seem to be the only ones the pagan community recognizes) and if someone of those closed faiths tell you - no, you are not xy or z, that is also not being judgmental or hateful or hurtful - that simply is. ....a very important side note here is that acknowledging closed practices is also not a carte blanche for screaming about cultural appropriation. Please shut the fuck up about cultural appropriation. Not being of a specific faith is not equivalent to cultural appropriation - Telling someone "no, you're not xyz" is very different from telling someone "no, you can't practice xyz" (looking at you smudge-Nazis) You can enjoy, practice, learn or celebrate anything you want of any faith you want while not actually being apart of it - that's the beauty of sharing and learning. And I think that is where all the trouble boils down from:

Yes, you can do whatever you want and can create whatever path you want for yourself...just don't misrepresent it, don't call it something it is not, and don't deny those who are more educated & experienced in that particular department. We get enough of that from outsiders to start doing it to each other.

hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)