#im trying so fucking hard not to idealize that and to tell myself no food is as harmful as an ed
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skkdjrjskkdnr
#ed warning#i made the grave mistake of putting my liked songs on spotify on shuffle#bc a song about anorexia came on and it triggered the fuck out of me#im trying so fucking hard not to idealize that and to tell myself no food is as harmful as an ed#but im falling into the want to be sick mindset again and im literally fighting for my life trying to get out of it#like. i dont want to go back but its so fucking hard to resist#its so fucking hard to hold out and stay on the right track bc being in the depths of it all was so fucking addicting#i remember thinking at first why people said it was addicting bc it just seemed unpleasant#and it is it’s so fucking bad. but jesus christ seeing the numbers go down was so fucking euphoric#i dont think i’ll ever reach that high again#im trying not to go into detail here to avoid triggering anyone but jesus fucking christ i could go on for hours#i could just keep fucking going about how incredibly addictive it was and i want to go back so fucking bad but i wont i refuse to#god#rambles#vent
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A bit late to the party and a tad bit longer than planned(sorry), but I dream of programming my own living sex toy.
We would be roommates, my flat (that's the most unrealistic thing about the scenario right here lol) that I rent very cheap near a college so I can pick the hottest person applying, ideally a new student so no family or friends here. Once they move in I slowly start manipulating them. Playing hypno audios when they sleep, putting light aphrodisiacs in their food, gaslighting them on progressively bigger things to get them relying on me more and more.
I want to pretend to be their friend and have long talks where I slowly convince them that their family is abusive and they should cut contact. It would be easy considering I am already blasting them on many other fronts and at that point they would be too stressed trying to keep up with college, while becoming too dumb and horny to offer much resistance. I hope they do though just so I can stop the argument via hypnotically dropping them and leaving them more untethered and confused than before. I actually want them to freak out while we fuck so I can stop, keep my cock in them and see how the ,by then intense, programming slowly pulls them under again and they start rocking into it. Actively see the fight disappear.
Once it is in deep the actual toy part begins. I want to programm certain settings into it so via simple triggers I can have it switch between modes. Sometimes I would want an actual doll, no ability to move themselves, sometimes a puppy desperate to be filled, maybe even allow it some higher function back so I can have it work when I don't need it.
The power of having someone utterly under my control is the obvious kink here but far hotter to me would be the knowledge that it was involuntary and that I programmed it. The ensuing sex isn't the main focus. I would want the toy to respond like it's enjoyable, seeing it in pain sparks no joy, the hotness comes from knowing it only enjoys it because I programmed it like that.
That's why I want to be able to sometimes "reset" it only to pull it down again. That moment in it's eyes when it glides into trance would be the hottest thing ever. I would always want it to feel pleasure, the catch being that the pleasure wouldn't be there without my programming. Also the thought of a hypersensitive toy coming simply from pleasuring me or me telling it to come is hot.
This is also why I won't look for a CNC partner for now. Having an actual human involved that could resist and judge takes away a lot of the appeal. My main source of shame isn't wanting to corrupt, it's wanting to have an actual human following my every command and order instead of having a partner I share equal responsibility with and of whom I take care when they need it (instead of putting a dildo in them and storing them away when useful). That said I actually want that equal living together too, I would just not have sex with that person, because vanilla sex holds no appeal to me and I actually do care about consent IRL.
Sadly I have a hard time finding good hentai or comics where the main focus is the corruption itself not the fucking afterwards but I make do.
Anyways, thanks for letting us share these things. Some of the other asks that were sent in were incredibly hot and it was nice actually writing my fantasies down for the first time and claiming them as mine, not just a fic I wrote as a prompt.
ANON YOU ARE KILLING ME THIS IS THE HOTTEST SHIT EVER. this is one of my top fantasies. and largely what some of my favorite hypno erotica that i've written is about. i wanna live this scenario for real. this is why i'm saving for an early retirement dog. so i can be someone's brainwashed live in hole. hit me up when you are emotionally prepared to be a 24/7 sadistic owner for real
okay. im gonna compose myself. thank you for sharing. but seriously call me
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2022/12/30
No-pick Challenge
Wow! Posting everday here is hard!
Anyway i'm pretty sure i picked yesterday. Ive been picking all over. I think i picked a bunch talking on the phone. Everything is just so fucking pickable now.
Skin
Better than its ever been tho lol. You can tell SO HARD where ive picked and where i havent. My face has so little redness now, it looks pretty normal. And its smooth and soft in the places i use my acne pads.
I got plantar warts again tho. Probably what i get for keeping them in socks all the time and not moisturizing them. They hurt more since i started massaging and moisturizing my feet but i think thats good? Im hoping the inflammation is at least partly my body fighting this shit off.
Diet
A struggle. I have energy since adding starchy foods back into my diet but i feel so unsure because i'm trying to lose weight and uhhhhhggghh its so early to tell if any of this is helping that or hurting it.
Hair
I read that bleaching is bad for your hair because it permanently destroys the sulfide bonds so now im ahhhhh not sure i wanna dye my hair. I'll ask the dye lady about it. I'm ok with only dying a section of my hair once and ending up with stripey hair.
I wonder if this is why my hair feels kinda rough? I peroxide'd it twice already. But its also that mix of short and scraggly.
I tried adding gel and blow drying my hair back. Looks... not bad. A nice change. I kinda look like Tom Scott when i do this. Or a tiny bit like Ziggy Stardust? But my face gets all cold LOL.
Kinda wanna get a hair trim before show but i dont want my head to be any colder. xD But if i dont cut it soon when it grows out by warmtime it will be a mullet i cant pull back and will have been looking bleh the whole time.... Ideally i would get a short pageboy haircut and just trim the neck as it grows out. But ive also never just let a buzz grow out!!! I like experiments!! And i also kinda wanna prove to myself that any hair can look good if the rest of you looks good. ALSO i just realized i can probably put my mullet into two cute tiny rat tails as it grows out and that sounds baller.
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how to manifest a physical change like nose etc?
the same way you manifest anything else!! affirm, keep a good mental diet, live in the end, know its yours!!
i know that it’s hard to accept that you have your desired nose when you look in the mirror and see your old nose every day, so something that i find helpful is to remind yourself that it’s going to change, it has to. i also like to think about those little facts such as “other people think you’re prettier than you do” etc and tell myself that even if i don’t see my ideal facial feature, everyone else sees it. this helps with confidence and releasing resistance i think!
also you can absolutely 1000% manifest a physical change (or anything!) without doing anything at all, but if you do have resistance to this fact you can try the placebo effect, such as listening to subliminals, eating a certain food and building the assumption that it will help change a certain body part, massaging your body, using a certain product, etc. like say every day i eat green grapes because they will make my eyes green. eventually, if i persisted in this belief, they would.
also i’ve seen a lot of people manifest along with doing workouts to lose weight and saw great progress. you obviously do NOT have to work out to lose weight or change your body, but if you devised an easy workout such as like twenty crunches a day or hula hooping or something like that, it helps release resistance and helps you lose weight faster, much much faster than it would someone who didnt practice the law of assumption and did these exercises. obviously if you’re like fuck it i dont even want to do ten sit ups i get it, u dont have to and you’ll still see the same result. i just recommend this because i know a lot of people have had it engrained in them their whole lives that they have to exercise/eat healthy to lose weight. you don’t!!! but i get that at the beginning it’s hard to fully trust this and work past your limiting beliefs, but while you’re doing that you can still see results and build up your confidence in the law by seeing results like this.
once again, you dont have to lift a single finger. i don’t want anyone to think im spreading limiting beliefs. you can manifest without lifting a single finger!! but we do have to respect that everyone is in a different place in their manifesting journey, and one of the purposes of my blog is to aid people with their journey, and just telling everyone to “affirm” isn’t gonna help them.
sorry for going on a brief rant lol but i hope this helped!!!!
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Poll Results
Alright, that’s it, i’m tired of trying to sort the answers so yall just get the big list of all the free response answers to that quiz about ofa. be aware some are less safe for work than others.
memorable ones: OfA Snickerdoodle, I’d Give It To A Cat, So You Know Vore Right?, I’m in Love With Nana, Slicey Blood Oath, and Homoerotic Sword Fight
(My answer above is how I think it did happen, not how I want it to happen.) I personally think something along the lines of a Bruce Banner Jennifer Walker blood transfusion where the OFA holder doesn’t realize they’ve passed it on until later.
a tender kiss. perhaps loving. perhaps they're dying, and i already knew that they loved me, either platonically or otherwise, and we always knew that i'd be next. perhaps they tried so hard to make sure it never happened, and perhaps that tender kiss as an apology as much as it is a gift. sure sucks to be gay i guess
Peacefully? By doing the do and making it a wonderful moment of lovemaking and passing on the future.. If we're in the middle of battle you bet your freaking butt I want them to kiss me dramatically, tell me they love me, and then yeet me away as they turn back to the fight. Ow but relationship goals.
If we're not romantic because I am obsessed with the Duo Holders ship currently, blood works fine. Ingest it or have them pressing a bloody palm into a wound of mine *shrugs* Gotta pass it along somehow
Personally, I'd rather drink blood instead of hair. It feels less gross. But I'd pass it on as hair just to fuck with my successor
Hair or blood eating, but no touchy-touchy or whatever thx.
Probably a vial of blood so it’s easy and over quick
kiss 👉👈
i would like it to be blood from an already opened wound just cause it would probably less weird, ..........but knowing my luck and because irl my sister has attempted to feed me her baby teeth by shoving it to my lips and saying "eat", thats actually how i would get ofa. ( >:/ i have almost eaten at least two teeth this way because i thought she was being nice and giving me candy )
Consider: doing one of those blood oath things where you swear to be BFFs for eternity except now you also get a quirk out of it. But lbr kissing is way more romantic and you’ve made First/Second my new OTP, so I’ll stick with that for them. <3 But also, maybe to make the kiss option more romantic First thought something more along the lines of wishing he could give ~everything he has/all of himself~ to Second which counted as including his quirk, rather than specifically about giving him the power to defeat his brother?
This is going to sound gross but all ways of transferring DNA is. Just work up a sweat and have the other party drink it. It would probably be the best tasting option which is kinda a weird thing to think about. Nvm sweat doesn't contain DNA looked it up but I don't want to delete all of this so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ maybe a scraping of skin cells
Honestly the hair is probably the way I'd want to go. That or blood. Like just swallowing it.
Look, i know realistically it was probably some desparate on-the-brink-of-death "please defeat my brother" thing and oo, magic he gets the quirk. But consider. First's last fight with afo. Second is holding his bleeding body, crying. First gently cups Second's cheek and pulls him into a bloody kiss before dying. Second pulls himself together just long enough to flip off afo, barely resisting the urge to absolutely slaughter him, knowing he would lose. He finds his successor and trains him to the best of his ability, determined to not lose another person he cared for
I mean like dead skin cells probably dont work right? Except hair works so thats not true. So like you totally could lick someone to get OFA. Like could you imagine the whole holding your hand over someones mouth to shut them up but they lick you and they somehow wind up with your quirk, like crazy. What must have been the trial and error with this stuff cause they must have kept passing it inbetween each other to figure out its dna right. How long did it take for them to realize. Like you’re eating breakfast and theres a hair in your food like ew and why am i stronger now. Overall, comedic timing for getting a quirk would be hilarious.
My apprentice lays broken and bloody beneath me as I cradle them in my arms, crying on to an open wound on their face praying the power will be enough to save them
little bit of skin like a hang nail just like put it in a sandwich and dont thing about it
Put it in my coffee.
If I received it from Nana then I would love to have received it via eating her out~ though for passing it on to others I think I would just either spit into their mouths or shove a bleeding finger down their throat until they swallow and then run and get myself killed by AfO while taunting him with "I DON'T HAVE YOUR BROTHER'S QUIRK ANYMORE! SUCK MY NON-EXISTENT DICK YOU LOSER!"
knock me out and just inject the blood. if i have to actively think abt ingesting someone elses dna im gonna yeet myself into the ocean. to pass it on i'll just spit in a cup (or in their mouth) bc im not gonna make someone eat my hair nor is anyone getting my blood
who in their right mind would trust me with a power like ofa 💀afo just looks at me funny the quirk is his. im not a mc for a reason
Sexy battle where I’m the villain, and randomly the hero thinks “I wish I could save you”. Boom I punch them with bloody knuckles and the quirk passes to me. Now the hero has to teach me how to be good again. Also we fall in love.
You know, I always assumed I would head canon it as something romantic until canon proved me wrong But these options are so varied - I had to choose the most Dramatic (tm) one As for my actual answer: a gentle kiss with full consent from both parties
I will bite a holder as a sign of affection. There's probably some dead skin cells in the arm I can swallow by accident. They are used to this and sometimes we switch the quirk around for funsies.
You know, I spent like 10 minutes trying to think of something original here, but knowing my shit luck some bastard would spit in my drink or something and cast upon me the Curse of Bone Breaking and/or.... y’know..... AFO...........
okay this is gonna sound weird but. consider this i marry a very lovely women. we are in much love. we get attacked by evil people because she is a good hero but plot twist. i am secretly her nemisis. the attackers are my minions. i wanted her to protect me because i am very smol but. my comrades were too mean. she is nearly dead. "take this" she says. she kisses me and i am one for all. fuck, i say internally, but i dont tell her. she dies in my arms. i run and become vigilante and take down my once comrades. all is not well. i die unsatisfied. i eventually pass it onto a cat in an alleyway because they are the only one who is with me when i get hit with a back alley sniper
Blood or just like. skin. You could use nail clippers to take a bit off from a really fleshy area, like just under the nail. It's that easy
Spit in my food like an underpaid fast food worker.
i have long hair so that would not be ideal, but blood seems kinda...unsanitary, but i guess it would be better if i was 100% positive i wouldn't pass on some sort of disease. so if that could be ascertained then like a few drops of blood in a glass of water or something and then down the hatch, bam ofa passed on. i know other folks are probably typing some nsfw stuff but just. no. keep it in your pants y'all.
Blood transfusion
First, pick a hospital
Second, steal all their blood
Third, have the previous user donate their blood to that hospital
Fourth, get into a major accident and need a blood transfusion near the hospital you robbed
Fifth, hope either OfA will only pass onto you bc your the intended recipient, or that no one else needs a blood transfusion
Sixth, get the transfusion
Seventh, steal all of the previous users blood back
Eigth, return all the other stolen blood
Ninth, get new identities, this crime leaves DNA everywhere
Tenth, die of a blood clot due to incompatible blood types (optional)
okay realistically bleeding into a cut or a drop of blood into water and drinking it would be easiest but like... what if somehow dna could be baked into like a muffin or cookie or something... like i know when cooking with wines and stuff the alcohol cooks away and evaporates out but is that process the same for like blood? like if you baked your blood into a cookie would traces of your dna still be there? basically i want an ofa cookie (snickerdoodle preferably)
no i like my bones
drink a drop of blood. it'd go down easier than hair
no
Something dramatic and desperate in the heat of battle like blood or something
First of all, I think First passed OfA as he was dying entirely on accident, because Second was badly (though not critically) injured and they'd been sort of dancing around each other's feelings and doubting their own worth, so First, knowing he was dying and that his brother was a petty bitch who would probably kill Second anyway because he knows that First cared about him, kisses Second with blood on his lips and his last thoughts before dying are about how he wants Second to have the strength to survive if his brother comes after him.
If I was given the option of getting OfA, I wouldn't take it. I'm a coward and being given something like that is a death sentence.
If it was forced, probably ingesting the previous users blood, because blood is a lot easier to choke down than hair.
If I already had it and had to pass it on, I would want it to be something suitably dramatic like collapsing on the doorstep of a trusted loved one and explaining with my dying breath who killed me and why and then raising my blood covered hand to their face like I was going to caress their cheek only for them to taste blood. They cry and try to get me take it back and when I finally die they swear vengeance over my slowly cooling corpse.
Pass it on in a non-life threatening scenario where I decide I actually don’t like the weird bone breaking power a random person gave me as they were dying and wish I could pass it to someone else and through a weird set of circumstances end up accidentally cooking some of my own hair into brownies I was making because I shed like a dog and passing it to my new neighbor I came to welcome to the neighborhood.
Either drinking a glass of milk with their saliva (no icky hair taste), or an epic sharing of blood while clasping hands like knights in a noble brotherhood!
not by eating all mights long ass hair thats for sure, why did he give midoriya one of the longest ones he had, he has shorter hair right there on the back of his head. not to mention the fact of like how i would prefer to recieve it or give it away which would be just, fucking sharing a pop or something and swaping it through the backwash??? less nasty than hair and not as weird as the other options for spit which is like straight up spitting in a drink or the other persons mouth outside of kissing. if someone told me i had to eat their hair i would straight up say no thanks, cheers for the fitness glow up tho homie
I want nana 2 kiss me, on.,, the m,,,.."#*(@÷out.h pretty lady.,
Q-tip to the inside of the cheek
Those blood pacts where you slice your hands open and do a little handshake thing. Not very creative, but idk it just appeals to me
Via consumption of blood, babey
I would want it to be with a maybe maybe not homoerotic sword fight in a Wendy's parking lot, preferably while we are both being impaled on each other's swords. The sweet pain of almost dying is a very intense moment to share isn't it?
Sweet love
Hair
If it's someone cute, a kiss. Otherwise I'd probably just swallow a hair with some water.
i'd just like. spit in their water bottle. if thats not enough dna i guess licking a paper cut it is. hair is bad idwa bc it doesn't digest and can get wrapped up in things. and like. im too aroace for kissing and such
Last option, cause first is sexy as hell
okay you know what vore is, right. and you know how blood and organ transfusions work? well...
Not at all, like?? I enjoy being alive and not having my body destroyed thank you. Literally everyone with OfA died young-ish or has suffered debilitating injuries bc of it. Like Midoriya's bones are powder, and we don't even need to go into All Might's medical history. Like thanks but no thanks no freaky dna ingestion 4 me
Had a open cut from a can lid and ofa holder had an open cut. While lamenting about fins a successor.
Blood
Assuming we can bypass the rules of canon, it would be funny as fuck is OFA was passed on by intentional physical contact. So yes, a smooch for First and Second (and Second and Third) but also. Bitchslap of destiny. Nana giving her protege one last hug. All Might ruffles Mido’s hair like a dad to pass it on. I’m sure you get it
Bleeding over an open wound
lil bit of spit in a milkshake.
I hold their hand Platonically but it's summer and we're both sweaty and they're a little loopy and having weird thoughts due to dehydration and heat lmao, literally hanging around anyone for any extended period of time guarantees you accidentally ingest SOME of their dna. Dead skin cells are floating through the air ~constantly~ and if you have a friend I promise you've inhaled their dead skin cells before. Have fun with that knowledge!!
ok so like deffo a kiss, but in canon people get weird biological urges for using their quirks, like bby Toga drinking bird blood. First has had a LOT of "spit in their drink" intrusive thoughts over the years. immediately post first-kiss he is mystified that his intrusive thoughts have disappeared entirely, but then BAM it seems that second has the stockpile now, and with it, a preoccupation with vampire lore
drink from the same water bottle?
“EAT THIS!”
Pass it on by making them lick my arm because that would make them rly uncomfortable, passed to me by spiting in my 20oz Red Bull and then chugging it
#aaaand done#this was going to be like. nicely organized in a couple different ways and i still might#but out of slots for that today so
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get to know me tag
tagged by: @njaems this was fun thank yeww <3
tagging: @hchan-main @hy-ck-main @nctsworld @neonun-au @sunflowerforhaechan this is long so no pressure at all hahaha
what day is your birthday?
January 21!
what’s your favorite color?
orange, black, and neutrals!
what’s your lucky number?
21 or 121
do you have any pets?
my son pup <3
how tall are you?
5’2-5’3 / roughly 158cm
how many pairs of shoes do you own?
like 7-10 but my dog chewed most of them so i have 3 functional shoes :’) need to go shoppin
favorite song?
of all time is forever by chris brown, currently it’s maybe don't by colette lush, 4r da squaw by isaiah rashad, 24/48 by odeal, or missing you by lotus maat hahaha
favorite movie?
transformers!!!!!! first one specifically because it's just a classic but i do love the whole series (despite michael bay's terrible handling of the production) hahahaha im a child
what would be your ideal partner?
na jaemin someone affectionate in a reasonable way. someone understanding, someone that feels like a home. someone that can provide mental relief
do you want children?
no, my dog is enough
have you gotten in trouble with the law?
does getting pulled over count lmao
bath or shower?
both, depends on the mood!
what color socks are you wearing?
black. always black socks
favorite type of music?
r&b and jazz! but aside from the favs i do listen to a bit of anything and everything
how many pillows do you sleep with?
3: 2 under my head, 1 that i hug
what position do you sleep in?
on my side hugging my pillow lol
what you don’t like when you’re sleeping?
silence, complete darkness, getting woken up
what do you have for breakfast?
coffee <3
have you ever tried archery?
in high school, we had an archery unit in phys ed but everyone hated it so it lasted for a day lmao
favorite fruit?
kiwi, pineapple and watermelon! love all fruit though
favorite swear word?
“asshole” or “fuck” — asshole i use as either a term of endearment or a term to express my distaste with someone, but im trying really hard to not say fuck as much hahaha
do you have any scars?
yeah i cut my shin open once and also had surgery on the back of my neck/skull
are you a good liar?
when i need to be yeah but it's veeeery rare
what’s your personality type?
infp-t
what’s your favorite type of girl?
supportive and constructive. no gossip, no bullshit, straight up, down to have fun.
innie or outie?
innie
left or right handed?
right
favorite food?
mmmm noodles. any kind of noodle. or salmon, yum
favorite foreign food?
sushi? maybe idk
are you clean or messy?
clean for the most part
most used phrase?
hmmm my newer thing is that i say "shut up" a lot but not like actually telling people to shut up. like if i see a beautiful gifset of Jaemin, i say "shut UP" you know, like that. another would be "shut it" if like i'm joking around with someone. and i say "sadness" if like, for example, i ask someone if they're free to hang out but they have plans. i'll say "ah sadness." others would be like "foreal" "deadass/dead" "wow" "odee"
how long does it take for you to get ready?
around 30 mins to 1 hour, depends on what i’m getting ready for
do you talk to yourself?
uh yeah every sane person does
do you sing to yourself?
again…yeah
are you a good singer?
honestly idk my friends and my mom say i am but my mom toots my horn and my friends are never serious about literally anything lmao so i guess we’ll never know
biggest fear?
power outages during snowstorms. i feel very helpless in those moments, the origin being one time when i took a nap during a snowstorm right after the power had gone out and had a horrifying dream, then i woke up and felt so disoriented by both the dream and my surroundings. i’m like traumatized by it lmao
are you a gossip?
eh nah, do not have enough energy and i don't care enough to really gossip. rather, i just discuss hot topics with friends
do you like long or short hair?
i love short hair on myself, it just fits my face and my noggin best. plus it is so easily manageable
favorite school subject?
english and art history! and in high school i loved phys ed hahaha
extrovert or introvert?
introvert :’)
what makes you nervous?
public speaking, walking to my car at night, thinking about the future
who was your first real crush?
my ex. think of mark lee but way more basketball haha
how many piercings do you have?
10 or 11 in my ears i don’t remember hahaha
how fast can you run?
i’d say pretty fast? but i get tired reeeeaaaal quick haha
what color is your hair?
i actually just bleached it hahaha so it’s a bright ash toned blonde. reference jaemin boom era (the set you tagged me in mel to be exact hahaha)
what color are your eyes?
blue
what makes you angry?
life, inconsiderate people
do you like your own name?
yeah i really like Nikki hahaha, my mom did well <3
do you want a boy or a girl as a child?
if i wanted kids i’d want an older boy and a younger girl
what are your strengths?
great listener, have a pretty detailed eye, great driver hahhahaahahah
what are your weaknesses?
my self destruction when i get to overthinking, disconnection with my emotions
what’s the color of your bedspread?
white blanket, grey sheets, beige pillow cases (wow so colorful nikki)
color of your room?
a very light beige/grey and one wall is a slightly darker grey
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idk if this counts as an emergency or comfort request but ive been havin a REAL bad body image week nsnnnsnnnsnn could i maybe request headcanons for either oikawa or kuroo (u can pick if u wanna) with an s/o who is rlly self conscious about being chubby/has a really hard time with food and mayb feels like worthless because theyre not the ideal body type? idk sorry if thats dumb aaaah thank u sm if u choose to do this
self-love
♡ scenarios ♡ for oikawa and kuroo
❧ gn reader
✎ 3.7k words
a/n: hey hun, im sorry to hear you’ve been having a rough time lately. this kind of request actually rlly hits close to home, and if u ever need anything, ur mor than welcome to reach out to me :) i can also help look for resources for help, anything really. this goes for all y’all! i dont want none y’all to feel alone with anything ur going thru cuz we’re in this together! and no need to thank me, the pleasure is mine luv 🥰💕 nothing about this is dumb, ur feelings are valid. i hope this will bring you n many others some comfort. also,, FUCK BODY STANDARDS MAKIN US BELIEVE THERE’S AN IDEAL TYPE BC THERE IS NONE N Y’ALL R BEAUTIFUL N IF U DUN THINK SO I WILL COME OVER DER,,, ok im done 🥰🥰 (more notes at the bottom of this, i talk a lot n think its important, didnt wanna add it up here bc it was too long lolol)
tw: mentions of bad body and implies disordered eating behaviors
oikawa
♡ Oikawa was pretty keen, so when he observed a gradual shift in your behavior, he definitely took notice
♡ One day when you showed up to lunchtime empty-handed and sat with your two friends, casually chatting, Oikawa and Iwaizumi gave you a questioning look
♡ “Where’s your lunch, y/n?” Oikawa asked
♡ “Oh, I, uh, ate it already, actually.”
♡ Iwaizumi raised an eyebrow and offered you some of his, but you declined, thanking him and stating you were already full
♡ Later that day in class, however, Oikawa couldn’t help but notice the absence of your boxed lunch container in your unzipped backpack
♡ The next day, you came empty-handed again, blaming it on your forgetfulness during your rush to get to school
♡ However, it became a normal occurrence over time, and while you seemed fine, uneasiness began to prick inside Oikawa’s stomach
♡ Those smiles you wore appeared fragile, and the laughter that rumbled from your throat felt restrained
♡ You seemed more tired and unfocused than usual
♡ Preoccupied, withdrawn, and distant
♡ He could sense something was bothering you, no matter how much you may (or may not) have tried to hide it
♡ On his way to school one morning, he made sure to stop by a convenience store to pick one of your favorite snacks, thinking it was a simple gesture to brighten up the somber aura he’s been detecting from you
♡ “I have a surprise for you, y/n~” Oikawa announced with excitement, rummaging through his bag to pull out the snack and show it to you. “Look, it’s your favorite!”
♡ You could only offer him an uneasy smile, “Oh, you shouldn’t have...” You really shouldn’t have...
♡ When he noticed the tension in your body and expression, a frown appeared on his lips
♡ “Y/n? Is something wrong?” He reached out to place a comforting hand on your shoulder but you swiftly flinched away
♡ ”I’m fine..!”
♡ Surprised at your sudden movement and outburst, you both felt a split second of apprehension crackle in the air before you started to gather your items in a rush
♡ Sighing, you repeated, “I’m fine.”
♡ He wasn’t sure whether you were speaking to him or yourself
♡ “Thanks for the snack, but I’ll pass. Have it for me. You need it more, anyways; you have volleyball practice. I’ll see you tomorrow, Oikawa,” you offered him a solemn smile and left before he could even reply
♡ Some time had passed before he could finally get you to open up to him
♡ And when you did, it crushed his heart to see how much your insecurities broke you
♡ It hurt to hear how low you thought about yourself; how you couldn’t see the beauty in your being; how you deemed food, your body, and yourself as your worst enemies
♡ Thus bringing you to the conclusion that maybe you’d be happy and like yourself if you could just give up that midday snack or your school lunch
♡ Even raincheck a cafe date you were supposed to have together
♡ Maybe also skip dinner, sometimes breakfast the next morning as well
♡ You could manage on just water
♡ Little sacrifices to shed some weight, feel better, and get closer to your ideal body goals
♡ You admitted, however, to questioning whether any of it was worth it
♡ The constant states of hunger, pain, and defeat you lived in
♡ Only to feel as though you were getting nowhere
♡ Oikawa was well aware of today’s beauty standards. I mean, he himself was often praised for his natural charm and beauty
♡ And you felt you could never reach that ideal
♡ “Oikawa, you’re too good for me.”
♡ His eyebrows knitted in concern as he lifted his right hand to caress your cheek softly. “And why do you say that?”
♡ Tears threatened to prick at your eyes. All you could was stare at the ground in silent shame
♡ When you still said nothing, he leaned in closer, his brown gaze softly pleading
♡ “Y/n, look at me.”
♡ When your eyes flickered up to meet his own, Oikawa asked, “You know I love you, right?”
♡ His question was met with a meek, “Yes.”
♡ From your clouded glaze, he could tell that you had a hard time believing in your own response
♡ “Do you know why?”
♡ But before you could respond, he was already answering his own question
♡ “Well...” he began, glancing up in thought and wearing a small smile
♡ “Something about you makes me want to be by your side. I love to see your smiles and hear your laughter, but I always want to be there to hold you when you’re crying and in pain.”
♡ “You’re supportive. You understand what I need, and I don’t always have to explain myself to you. You take your time with me and make me feel like I can be myself. Not many people have stuck around to actually get to know me. Because of that, you’ve never failed to make my day a little better with just your presence.”
♡ “You’re strong and caring. I can rely on you to have my back, and I hope I provide that same comfort to you as well.”
♡ “I love being able to lazy around with you or go on adventures and discover something new. It’s comfortable and exciting at the same time.”
♡ “Your hands feel like they were made to hold mine.”
♡ He reached down to squeeze your hand gently
♡ “Kissing you makes me forget about everything else on my mind. I can just live in the present with you.”
♡ He moved close and gave you a peck above your eyebrow
♡ “You make me want to work hard and be a better person. You help motivate me to try my best, and you never give up on me. Why would I ever give up on you?”
♡ “I learn something new with you everyday. Like right now, I realize that I’ve never met someone who could so easily make my heart race as they could make my heart break.”
♡ “When I look at you, all I can think about is how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have you in my life as a partner and one of my best friends. Nobody else could fill the gaps within me the same way you do.”
♡ Leaning over to brush his lips against your forehead, he muttered, “I’m going to love every part of you, inside and out. You’re already my ideal. I couldn’t ask for anything more. I could go on about every detail on why I feel so strongly for you, but I’m here to show you everything there is to appreciate about yourself because you’re worth every ounce of care and effort. And if you can’t see it in yourself right now, I’ll love you more than enough for the both of us until you learn to love yourself. I’m here to help.”
♡ And after crying out your tears into his shoulder as he held you close and rubbed your back, you both went to his house to relax and have some dinner
♡ He was patient with you, taking into account how having a meal may have made you feel anxious
♡ It was something small and simple that you two agreed to prepare and share, after some tender coaxing from Oikawa
♡ He later made a list in his journal about tips to keep in mind:
♡ ‘Check up on y/n often to see how they’re feeling’
♡ ‘Encourage them to eat meals/snacks. Don’t be too pushy, but be patient. Try to have eat with them when you can!’
♡ ‘Remind them they don’t have to earn the right to eat, and that their body doesn’t define their worth‘
♡ ‘Look into some mindfulness techniques!’
♡ ‘Don’t overvalue physical appearance. Also focus on all the other redeeming qualities y/n has! But of course I’m always gonna tell them they look cutee--’
♡ True to his word, he remained understanding
♡ He’s there to listen to you, or to sit with you in comforting silence
♡ During lunch he would share his food with you, reassuring you that it wasn’t something you had to avoid
♡ Some days he succeeds in encouraging you to share a milk bun or your favorite snack with him
♡ And on days you really didn’t feel like it, he never forces anything onto you and instead made sure you at least hydrated
♡ Oikawa spends some time doing research and gathering tips on how to help you
♡ Always reminds you of your worth and how you bring out the best in him
♡ He’ll never hold it against you if you ever become hostile, irritated, or in denial. He knows you’re hurting and doesn’t take it personally
♡ Sends you cute memes with all those emoji hearts
♡ Also some food puns (Oikawa: “I’m soy into you. Please brie mine. We are mint to be. I ap-peach-iate you. You got a pizza my heart. Olive you--” ; You: *puts a hand over his mouth* ; Oikawa: 🥺 ; You: “...olive you, too”)
♡ Always ready to give up what he’s doing to make sure you’re okay
♡ Will stay up with you late at night to talk on the phone
♡ Reminds you you’re beautiful at least 8 times a day
♡ If y’all ever go shopping and you try things on in the fitting room,, Oikawa would be your #1 hype man
♡ One time you tried something on, and you were almost too ashamed to step out and show him
♡ But when you did, you were met with his surprise and excitement
♡ “dfghjklkuyfuh” was all you could process from his incoherent speech before he insisted on treating you by purchasing it for you (Oikawa: “Can you wear this for me, like, everyday?” ; You: *weird look* “Why are you like this??” you love it tho--)
♡ Gushes internally over how cute you are during your movie + cuddle sessions, mostly pays attention to you rather than the movie
♡ Mid-movie be like:
♡ Oikawa: “So, uh, what’s happening again?
♡ You: -.- “You might as well google the whole synopsis instead of watching it”
♡ Oikawa: “...it’s not my fault you’re distracting, babe”
♡ Always politely excuses himself from his fangirls to get to you. Also reassures you he much prefers to be with you than anyone else and that you’re the best catch ;)) (You: “Oikawa, no” ; Oikawa: “y/n, yes”)
♡ Suggested doing some meditation together once
♡ You listened to a recording and you sat side by side on a mat, but Oikawa thought the person’s voice sounded funny so he had a hard time focusing
♡ But it ended with y’all laughing and making jokes as he lay his lead on your lap and you played with his hair
♡ Y’all get better at it tho
♡ Cooking dates! To try to show you that food isn’t an enemy and can bring people together :)
♡ Puts music on so y’all can jam together (Oikawa: “Oh my gosh, y/n, this is my favorite song, you’re not even rEADY to see me perform-- ; You: “Oikawa, t-the food! It’s burning!!”)
♡ Cooking dates also show that you should never leave the stove unattended
♡ Every once in a while he suggests seeking professional help. He wishes he could take away your pain and help you all his own, but he knows this is more complicated and required outside help, too
♡ Has help resources READY
♡ As well as small snacks like granola bars for you if you ever feel faint
♡ He doesn’t hesitate to confront you when he feels it’s necessary and he’s worried about your habits
♡ He handles things well, though, and often convinces you to take care of yourself more, even though he’s there to look after you
♡ Has made it his mission to help you win against your battle with insecurities
♡ Overall, he’s very caring and empathetic, hoping one day you’ll see yourself the way he sees you 💖 : strong, amazing, breathtaking, & perfectly imperfect
kuroo
♡ Occasionally, you would think about the day you broke down in front of him
♡ Your body racked with repressed whimpers as you tried to wipe the tears from your eyes and describe the recent state of your mind through choked sobs
♡ Lately, your thoughts were being especially relentless in making you feel miserable
♡ Oftentimes you’d be able to shove the negative thoughts to the back of your mind and carry on your day as usual, expertly acting as though everything in your life was going smoothly
♡ However, you found yourself fighting a losing battle against your own conscious, heavily preoccupied with thoughts of your own worthlessness
♡ And so you tried to cope
♡ But you were painfully aware of everything you felt was wrong with you
♡ You felt uncomfortable in your skin
♡ Every time you passed by your own reflection, you couldn’t help but mentally recoil at the image looking back at you
♡ Your clothes didn’t fit right
♡ Even when you opted for baggy clothes, you felt like you were taking up all the space in them
♡ Maybe it was the weight gain. You could see and feel it in your face, your arms, your stomach, your legs... everywhere
♡ You just wanted to hide away your shame
♡ Perhaps it was the dessert you allowed yourself to eat the other day. Foolish of you to think then that you wouldn’t regret it as much as you did afterwards
♡ As a consequence of those foolish actions, you made mental notes about anything and everything you ate. What it was, how much of it you had, etc
♡ Trying to restrict so that maybe you would lose some weight and come to like how you look
♡ Your obsessive thoughts of food and weight overtook your mind like a dark cloud
♡ Your favorite foods, which before would never fail to brighten your mood, taunted you with shame and guilt
♡ Exercise? Sometimes it was an activity you genuinely enjoyed. Other times, a chore that made you feel shitty or numb and reinforced your unhealthy desire to lose
♡ And you sometimes found yourself crying over your last meal, one you know you didn’t need. One you didn’t deserve
♡ And each time you released the reins on your self-control, you felt pathetic going against the vow you made to yourself
♡ At this rate, you’d never be beautiful or be happy with yourself
-You’d remain unworthy, fat, disgusting--
-But before you could continue, your story was cut off by the impact of Kuroo’s embrace
-Your surprise silenced your sobs, and you could only stare wide-eyed at the space in front of you as you felt his arms squeeze tightly around your frame
-You both sat there for a few moments on your knees, with your back lightly leaning against a wall
- “I’m sorry for the pain you’re experiencing,” he begins softly. “Thank you for sharing with me. It must’ve taken a lot for you to do that.”
-He was right. It was your first time reaching out to another person about this. It was the last thing you thought you would’ve done today
- “I want to let you know that you shouldn’t be ashamed for feeling this way. Reaching out is important and brings you the help you need to get better. I know you might not want help right now or think that these thoughts and behaviors are a problem. However, telling me about all this shows that some part of you is recognizing there’s something wrong and you can’t always handle it on your own.”
-There were many reasons you kept this to yourself. You didn’t want to bother anyone else. Your problems seemed so trivial. You worried saying them aloud would confirm your beliefs. You were scared people would see you differently. You--
-The intrusive thoughts never failed to make you feel ashamed
-However, it was oddly comforting to release the pent up emotions. To know you didn’t have to bottle up this burden anymore, and that you weren’t alone
-You were about to murmur in response when,
- “Also, you’re an idiot, y/n.”
- “Wow, thanks, as if I don’t already think that about myself,” you bit back in response
-You were about to shove him away just when he released his grip around your body and placed his hands on your shoulders
-His eyes shone with determination and a faint, inviting smile spread on his lips
- “You are the one of the single most important things in my life. I just mean you’re an idiot in the sense that you’re overevaluating one aspect to define your whole self. You’ve forgotten about all your other redeeming qualities that contribute to who you are.”
♡ “Your size, weight, shape; none of that matters. What matters is your health and happiness. Neglecting yourself in order to reach an ‘ideal’ that you’ve concluded is the answer to your self-worth is only bringing you farther away from what you truly want.”
♡ “I don’t mean to downplay any of your emotions or how significant this is to you. Your first step was to put your trust into someone else about this. That’s done. Now, I’m here to help you undergo self-evaluation and serve as encouragement on your journey to self-love and acceptance.”
♡ “I also want to remind you progress is not linear. There will be times when things are harder, and that’s okay; it’s part of the process. If you’re open to getting better in the future, I’m sure as hell going to be there every step of the way.”
♡ And with a soft peck to the forehead and another hug, he nuzzled into your neck and muttered, “I love you. And I want you to love yourself. So, please, allow me to help you through this and I guarantee that by the end of it all, it’ll have been so worth it.”
♡ Unsure what to say, you gripped his jacket tighter, buried your head in his shoulder, and muttered, “Thank you.”
♡ While the negative feelings about yourself remained afterward, you were relieved that your boyfriend was supportive and calm
♡ He treated you the same as always, teasing you over dumb things while making you feel like you stood among the highest peaks on Earth
♡ The day after, he had shown up to your house, weary-eyed and carrying his backpack
♡ “Kuroo? Why are you here? Also, why do you look so tired??”
♡ He stepped into your house with a yawn. He stretched his arms, then reached for his bag and whipped out his laptop
♡ “I stayed up a bit last night to do some research, babe! I also learned a lot about nutrition and molecular gastronomy, so I could help you come up with a meal plan that you’re okay with!”
♡ You were touched he was educating himself on how to help you
♡ But you drew the line at the science jokes-- (Kuroo: “You know you love them.” ; You: “‘Na’ I don’t.” ; Kuroo: :ooo “Did you just-- Marry me.”) (Na = sodium lol)
♡ His nutritional research helped you to learn the contents of food beyond calories; mans explains the vitamins, nutrients, amino acids, etc in them that you need and their benefits
♡ “Trout, avocados, and almonds have vitamin E, which is good for your skin! Oh, and don’t get me started on bananas. Yes, they have carbs (which your body needs anyway as a source of energy!), but POTASSIUM?? Shit’s gonna regulate your fluid balance, maintain heart health, stimulate normal muscle function, AND help your brain to communicate with the rest of your body!”
♡ ALSO cooking dates; just as chaotic (“Aw mannn, the egg exploded all over the microwave!” dont ask y it was being microwaved)
♡ Over time, he’s taken mental notes about your thoughts, feelings, triggers, etc
♡ He’s quick to pick up on your mood and will always ask you how you’re doing
♡ Tries to do something special for you on days you’re especially not feeling well, like taking you on a spontaneous date! (You: “Do you know how to ice skate?” ; Kuroo: “Uhh,,, after today, I will hopefully”)
♡ But will also opt for staying in with you and cuddling when you don’t want to go out (Kuroo: “I heard this movie is soooo bad! ...wanna watch it?”)
♡ Invited you to the beach with his team during the first week of summer
♡ You were unsure about this, since that meant going out in public, potentially with minimal clothing
♡ You initially sat on a beach towel under an umbrella, wearing the security of a T-shirt. He’d been aware of how you felt ever since he asked you to come, so he would sit with you and link an arm around your shoulder
♡ “I’m lucky I get to spend this day with you,” he’d say. “You look gorgeous. You always do. Now, I wanna see you smile and have fun. Let’s go take a dip, yeah?” He offered his hand, which you shyly took, and pulled you up
♡ Then immediately picked you up and started running to the water to get you soaking wet, and you were forced to ditch the heavy, waterlogged shirt
♡ However, you silently thanked him for his sweet words, making you feel secure enough to just forget your worries and enjoy the warm sun and cool water
♡ He also tries his best to lessen your anxieties over food and often shares/eats meals with you
♡ Reminds you everyday how much you’re worth to him and that there’s nothing about you that needs to change
♡ This sweet, protective, n smart boi will treat you how you deserve. It’s a guarantee he’ll be there through thick and thin, and he’s excited for the day you realize you’re just as amazing as he knows you are 💕
a/n: oop this was rlly long lol mb, i just may or may not personally know a bit about this so i went oFF
also neded to some som silly n fluff bc we all need dat
also, these r like kinda hc’s ?? but also a deconstructed oneshot/scenario?? bc they provide some rly brief bg story? one from more of the character perspective while the other more on y/n before we get to the hc’s about how he treats y/n. how everyone struggles w body image is different n i wanted to portray a bit of what it felt like and how it could manifest in ppl’s behaviors/thoughts. however, this is not to say that everyone feels exactly like this. what i wrote only represents a fraction of it all.
by providing some sort of bg i hope im not making u feel like this isnt u or that u cant relate, pls lmk if i need to change anything to make it right for u <3 ok now im actually done sry long author’s note rfguhofe this is just rlly important to me y’all , stay safe n take care, much luv for u <3
#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu reader insert#haikyuu x reader angst#oikawa x reader#kuroo x reader#oikawa tooru#kuroo tetsurou#haikyuu x reader fluff#tw
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Ok so these were the cutest~ (ㆁωㆁ)
4, 6, 7, 9, 12, 19, 22, 23, 28, 33, 34, 46, 47, 52, 59, 60, 63, 66, 83, 87, 88, 93, 99
I kno I listed like....all of them lmao but feel free to answer whichever you want and ofc you can ask me in return Baybe ( ◜‿◝ )♡
uHUHUHUHU much content for me to answer, im happy bebe 💜💜💜✨
4 - how do you take your coffee/tea?
hm coffee either Very Black No Sugar (for the sleep deprived me) or iced latte three sugars and theres no in between
and as for tea its All Black Teas That Exist, cinnamon-flavoured especially (but basically all teas that come to mind when u think “autumn”), and rooibos!!! okay basically the only oke i dont like is any type of green tea (which is sad because they look cool but my tastebuds said ✨no✨)
6 - do you keep plants?
honestly id l o v e too because i love plants but,,, im kinda horrible at taking care of them though still way better than the majority of my family (research helps) so the only plant i own is kinda a small-palm-tree-looking thing in a bigass glass jar that i saved from my mother’s plant-destructing hands and its mostly doing well (the ends of its leaves are starting to be yellow tho and im worried:((( )
7 - do you name your plants?
yes!!! though the current one was named by my sister and its called “pickett” after fantastic beasts shsjjsj
9 - do you like singing/humming to yourself?
oh god oh dude you have n o idea
i have absolutely n o singing voice but its something i do constantly to give my brain the right amount of stimuli so basically i listen to music 24/7 and hum to myself 99% of that time
12 - whats your favourite planet?
oh i actually didnt think about this for so long but either pluto (hes a planet screw nasa) or saturn (RINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) or venus (girls,,,and libra,,,)
19 - do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw in it?
okay im gonna be completely honest with yall and say that my every single try at keeping a journal failed spectacularly and i lost motivation after like a few months so my only journals rn are my fancy fake-leather-bound calendar to note tests and assessments into, a kinda roughed up notebook that i uses for noting down poems or scribbling or passing notes in class, and a kinda fancy bullet journal notebook that i used as a book of shadows for a while but since my fountain pen died i didnt touch it
22 - are you a morning person?
n o
i am so not a morning person but i wish i could be because honestly dawns are beautiful
but as it is rn im either sleep deprived all the time and loathe every second of being in an awake state or (if i have a few days of schoolbreak) my biological clock moves forward a few hours and i sleep 2am-10am
23 - whats your favourite thing to do on lazy days with zero obligations?
except for the fact that i dont remember the last time it happened, i would probably spend it drawing outside, watching anime with my sister and riding a bike around the forest
28 - sunrise or sunset?
i love sunrises because its so peaceful and everyone is asleep but also i subconsciously immediately correlate them with waiting for a train to take me to school (because thats basically the only time i see them) so its a bittersweet love especially with my fucked up biological clock
but sunsets are really really pretty too and i see them more often so i cant choose
33 - whats your fave pastry?
and isnt that a millior-dollar question dhsjjsjsj
either cinnamon rolls (i absolutely adore them) or that one specific type of cupcake-shaped-thing made out of shortcrust/bread/whatever its called and filled with vanilla pudding
34 - tell us about a stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?
awwww this is cute
okay so basically my two favourite stuffed animals (i still have them, they sit in my wardrobe) were two teddy bears (like maybe 20cm high each of them) and one was pure brown and the other was silver-brown and they had stereotypical polish male names “Waldek” (read. Valdek) and Stefan (i think tho im not sure if i remember correctly, my memory is a feeble thing sometimes
46 - tell us the worst pun you can think of
what dog would never bite you? a hot dog *badumtss*
47 - what food do you think should be banned from the universe?
huh a year ago id say pineapple pizza but i guess i dont hate pineapples that much anymore (tho putting them on pizza is still an abomination) but i think that if id ever want to get rid of anything it would be parsley, i hate that freakin herb (does it count as food tho)
52 - what are your favourite memes of the year so far?
the ever given for sure shsjshjsjsjsjjsj
but bullying tramp stamps is gold and pure tumblr energy too
as for fandom memes: im in love with all keeping-up-with-the-todorokis variations and the fact that the entire bsd fandom looked at fukuchi and said “biTCH” and thats one of the only things we’re unanimous about
59 - whats your favourite myth?
i always liked the kora/persephone myth (though demeter is an overbearing parent to the nth power), loki and thor crossdressing at a party to get mjolnir back, atalanta because shes a queen and id politely ask her to kick my ass, and cassandra because she deserved better, and theres a l o t more because alas i was a mythology nerd but this post is long enough for me not to make this section 20 times longer sjjsjsjsjsjks
but there are a lot of slavic myths that are very cool too, though we dont know that much about them as about the greeks for example
60 - do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?
o o o o h yeah i do like poetry because to create such a beautifully sounding thing with only words someone has to be a genius
some of my favs are: some works of nakahara chuuya (thank u bsd for introducing me to this man’s beautiful imagery in his works i swear to god the descriptions do it for me) (also his poem about having hangovers is a mood like i feel you buddy), the raven by ea poe (i know everyone likes it but hOLY DAMN THE INTER/INTRAVERSE RHYMES ARE LIKE,,, BREATHTAKING) (and aso im a slut for gothic horror), and many more but also That One Poem From Welcome To Nightvale about reaching the island in the west,,, only perfect vibes from it
63 - are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organised or kinda leave them be?
okay heres the thing. for anyone else both my playlist library and my bookshelf would be considered pure chaos of a mad man b u t they actually have a highly focused system which means that i sort them based on their vibes, lovability and (in case of books) their age and whether or not theyre a part of a series so i would say my bookshelf is rather organised (when a quarter of it isnt occupying my desk that is) and my music is more organised than not but sometimes it gets out of control and i have to sort it entirely again
66 - what would your ideal flower crown look like?
either entirely constructed of simple white daisies, entirely constructed of only white roses, or something that probably would win a “how many different coloured flowers can one fit in a flower crown” competition
or something purple (maybe not belladonna)
83 - whats some of your favourite album art?
god i dont know if it counts but hozier’s wasteland baby is probably one of my absolute favourites and no one shall beat that
“thrifted youth” (dalynn) and “standard deviation” (danny schmidt) have very aesthetic covers too
also the iconic p!atd too weird to live, too rare to die! album cover,,, its just iconic what can i say
and last but not least matt meason’s pink-and-black album covers (though bank on the funeral is really pretty too but like,,, “who killed matt meason” d o e s it for me and so does the 2017 tribulation single)
87 - what are some movies that you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?
this is such a hard question because im not a really cinematography-oriented gal but i suppose that (at the risk of not going deep enough into the cinema world):
- the princess bride
- inception
- night at the museum
- SPIRITED AWAY
- forrest gump
- truman show
- E.T. (i cried okay)
- the lord of the rings (because damn me if this isnt one impressive adaptation)
- parasite
and one more personal recommendation: “ready or not” with samara weaving because goddamn i dont usually watch this genre but holy s h i t is it good
93 - whats the hairstyle you wear the most?
honestly just plain hair down (because having curly hair is a menace), split in the middle when i have longer hair and split on one side when its short
also low ponytails or half-up-half-down when im exercising, or double french braids when my hair doesnt cooperate enough to look presentable in any other form
99 - list some songs that resonate with your soul whenever you hear them
this is difficult because my music taste is a goddamn rollercoaster on a good day, but heres some:
- me and the sky from “come from away” musical (this is sort of a test song for my mental stability, if i cry i aint stable)
- dancing after death by matt meason (okay most songs by matt meason except for like,,, hallucinogenics maybe)
- tears and rain by james blunt
- i will follow you into the dark by death cab for cutie
- almost home by mxmtoon
- anything by hozier really but shrike especially
- payphone, the cover by alex g (i cried to this song so many times)
- burning pile by mother mother (can i roast all my problems please)
- long way from home and cleopatra by the lumineers
- autoclave by the mountain goats
oooh that was c o o o o o o o l as fuck thank you sm so much bebe (and sorry for the long post @everyone else)
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This might sound very silly but I just don't know how to be more proactive. I've been very passive all this years until this point where I feel like I can't anymore. I wish I could be more hardworking for the things I want but I get all overwhelmed and don't even know how other people have the energy or the motivation. People think Im just lazy. I don't have almost any skills let alone any that I can monetize, I feel like Im going to be a looser forever.
I think this is a problem that a lot of people - especially younger people - are struggling with right now. We want to achieve great things, and we feel like we should be achieving great things, but many of us are so paralyzed by doubt/anxiety/apathy/uncertainty that we have a hard time mustering up the motivation to run basic errands, let alone chase our dreams. I’ve certainly spent more than my fair share of time beating myself up for the countless days that I’ve fucked around on Reddit all day instead of actually achieving anything, even when I was fully aware that I was sabotaging my own dreams and goals by doing so. I just couldn’t always muster up the ability to care about the things I needed to be doing, even if there were dire consequences for not doing them. The good news is, there are definitely ways to overcome this issue, and reach a point where you are happier with your progress and your life. To get started, I recommend:
Decide what it is you actually want. Telling yourself to “be more proactive”, “work harder” or “have a better life” is not helpful if you don’t actually have specific goals that you’re working towards. It is very, very easy to find ways to be “busy” for 8 hours per day - but being busy doesn’t necessarily mean progress. Take some time, and think about some rough goals that you’d like to actually work towards. Don’t worry about how much work or effort it would be to achieve those goals, just start thinking about what you want in life, and what’s the most important to you. Think about the kind of life that you would like to have someday, and start figuring out the steps you need to take in order to get yourself from your current life to the life that you envision. It’s okay if those things are very far apart - the point is not for you to get overwhelmed, but for you to have something to be proactive about.
Start slowly. You cannot go from “spending 8 hours per day mindlessly browsing the internet amidst a pile of old take-out containers” to “running 5 miles every morning before making art for 8 hours in a spotless apartment with a fridge full of vegetables” overnight. Trying to change your routine too drastically and too quickly will lead to you burning out in a couple of days and going right back to your old ways, with an added dose of self-hatred because you tried and failed. Trying to be more productive and more functional is a process, and a long one at that. It’s not at all unusual or abnormal to take several years of work before you get your life to where you want it to be. Start slow. Start with incredibly tiny changes, and slowly build up those changes over time. If you currently live on a diet of fast food and candy, and you want to be a shredded, clean-eating fitness guru, you can’t rush into that all at once. Start by swapping out full-sugar pop for diet pop for the first month, and trying to drink more water. That’s it. Don’t make any other changes. Then the second month, switch out diet pop for flavored water. And so on. Change only sticks when it’s gradual.
Focus on one thing at a time. Again, trying to do too much, too soon is a recipe for fast burnout and self-hatred. Start by trying to change one area of your life, and one area of your life alone. Once you feel like you have a pretty solid handle on that part of your life and you have established some new habits, then you can add on a second area of focus. Spend some time, and really think about which area of your life is the most important for you to change, and which area of focus will improve your life the most. If it helps, envision your problems as rocks that you are carrying around in a backpack with you at all times. What’s the heaviest rock in your backpack? If you are overweight, unhappily single, making no progress building your YouTube channel and failing out of college, then your college grades are probably the thing causing you the most stress in your life, and they’re your most urgent concern - focus on that, and give yourself permission to let the rest of it sit on the back burner until you have boosted your GPA. Only then will you be ready to start changing something else.
Go easy on yourself. I think one of the pitfalls that many young people face these days is that they absolutely crush themselves with unrealistic expectations of what they “should” be doing with their lives; it’s hard to get up the motivation to do anything when you’ve convinced yourself that the bare minimum for success is an impossible ideal. I have friends with master’s degrees who still consider themselves failures that haven’t done anything in life. Remember that you are not a machine. Even at your most successful and high-functional, you will not be perfect and productive 100% of the time. You will still have lazy days where you don’t get much done. You will still occasionally order takeout instead of making a home-cooked meal. You will still occasionally procrastinate. Don’t set yourself up for failure by comparing yourself to an unattainable ideal - just aim to be a slightly better version of what you are right now.
Get used to tracking, even without making changes. It’s hard to set goals for improvement if you don’t have a solid idea of what you’re actually doing right now. Telling yourself things like “stop being so lazy and do more things” is setting yourself up for a spiral of self-loathing if you don’t actually track what you’re doing, because you won’t be able to see the small, gradual progress that you’re making. Being able to actually see yourself taking baby steps toward your goal is important for keeping you motivated, and keeping you from beating yourself up. Don’t track absolutely everything in your life - that becomes obsessive after a while - but keep an eye on some of the major things that you might want to change in the future. Install apps on your phone and laptop that track how much time you spend doing what. Set up the step tracker on your phone. If you want to eat better in the future, start tracking roughly what you eat now. I’m a pretty avid bullet journaler, I track a lot of my daily habits. Keeping track of the things you do, even if you’re not proud of them, and even before you start to work on them, gives you a baseline to work with, so you can establish how bad the problem is and see when you’re heading in the right direction.
Forget the obsession with monetizing. A lot of us have gotten this idea in our heads that we need to find ways to monetize everything that we’re even remotely good at, or doing that thing is somehow a waste of our time. I don’t want to generalize about millennials and gen z too much, but I do feel like our generation was raised on the belief that “doing what you love” is the most important thing in life; I personally have many friends that are obsessed with monetizing, to the point that they no longer do anything unless they can find some way to funnel it into advancing their blogger/influencer/creator career. I think this is a mistake. When you monetize something that you love doing, you turn it from a hobby into a job, with all the stress that comes with that, and I think it’s important for everyone to have at least one thing in their life that they do just for the joy of it. It’s okay to let work be work, and play just be play. And I say this as a person who has monetized one of my hobbies; I love true crime and forensic psychology, and I co-host a true crime podcast that has recently had a huge surge of popularity and is on the cusp of being monetized. I could write an entire post about the mental health side of being a creator with a public online presence, but in a nutshell, turning my podcast from a hobby into a business has required me to take it a lot more seriously, and it now falls more into the category of “work” than it does “fun”. My enjoyment of life requires that some of my other hobbies - like playing music - just stay un-monetized hobbies. Let yourself create and do things that don’t have economic value.
Don’t compare yourself to what you see on social media. I have had both personal friends and followers on this blog tell me that they feel bad about themselves because their life doesn’t measure up to what they see on Instagram, or because they feel that their own lives would not be worthy of posting online. This is a toxic mindset to get into. The things you see on social media are not reality, no matter how much they appear to be - people put incredible amounts of effort into carefully cultivating an online persona that makes them look more productive and accomplished than they actually are. I have a brother who who is a somewhat successful Instagram “influencer”, alongside his more successful girlfriend, and I could write an entire post about the lengths they go to to fake having perfect lives on Instagram, and the toll that their Insta careers are having on their mental health. If you are looking to be a more productive version of yourself, it’s best to steer clear of “motivation” from people who are paid to pretend to be successful online.
Set measurable, achievable goals. Goals like “be healthier” and “do more stuff” won’t get you anywhere - they are so vague that it’s not possible to tell when you’ve actually achieved them, or how much progress you’ve made. If you want to be more productive and feel like you’re getting more done, you need to set goals that can actually be worked towards and checked off when they are done. Instead of “go to the gym more”, aim for “go to the gym 5 days per week” as your end goal, and start with a solid couple of months with “go to the gym at least once per week”, and slowly increase from there. If you’re aiming for something big like “have an awesome job”, break that down into medium-sized goals like “finish an undergrad degree”, and then break that goal down even further into “hand in all my assignments on time this semester”, and break that down further into “write the first 10 pages of my paper by the end of the week”. Set tiny goals for yourself that you can easily achieve, and that will gradually accumulate into big accomplishments.
Remember that slow progress is better than no progress. If you write one sentence per day, it is going to take you a really long time to write a novel. It will take you a whole lot less time, however, than if you get overwhelmed at the thought of writing a novel and never write at all. Sometimes you need to break goals down into steps so small that they also seem not worth doing. It can feel a little silly to congratulate yourself for things like “brushed my teeth today” and “texted someone back today”, but those are little habits that add up into bigger things, and giving yourself that positive reinforcement is important. “Greatness” and “success” are not things you achieve all at once, they are made up of tiny habits that you’ve been working on for months or years at a time.
Take care of your mental health. Not feeling the motivation to do anything, even things that you enjoy, can be a symptom of depression. Everyone beats themselves up from time to time for not being more productive, but if your brain is constantly on a feedback loop of “I’m human garbage and I’m wasting my life”, that’s a pretty serious problem, and a solid sign that it’s time to seek out some professional help. Trying to make major life improvements without addressing underlying mental health concerns is kind of like trying to drive a car without wheels - you’re just not going to get anywhere until you’ve dealt with the obvious problem.
Remember that setbacks are okay. Even the most highly proactive and high-functioning people have days where they say “fuck it” and order takeout to eat in front of the TV. Everyone occasionally misses deadlines or leaves things to the last minute when they shouldn’t. Everyone shows up late occasionally. These things happen - we are humans, and none of us are perfect. The key to long-term proactivity and productivity, though, is not to let those small setbacks define you, and not to throw away all the progress you’ve made over a bad day or a bad week. Eating healthy six days per week will put you in a much better position than deciding “fuck it, I blew it” after one bad meal and returning to eating unhealthy meals 7 days per week. As the saying goes, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good - in other words, perfection is not attainable, and getting hung up on being perfect will prevent you from achieving many things that are good. The idea is not to be perfect; it’s just to keep striving to be a slightly better version of yourself.
Best of luck to you!
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Pick your favorite questions from the list.
i will do them all for u 0.o
1. Name
cianna [see-ah-nah]
2. Nationality
mexican irish german romanian hungarian french
3. Age
20
4. Birthday
december 17, 1999
5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign)
sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries
6. Gender
female
7. Sexuality
uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender
8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself)
/tagged/my-face
or u could just google pictures of fat rats
9. What do you/did you study?
I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!
10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have?
I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :)
My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian
11. Your birth order
i’m the oldest!
12. How many siblings do you have?
2 younger brothers
13. Do you have good relations with your family?
my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol
14. How many friends do you have?
errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??
15. Your relationship status
single :D
16. What do you look for in a SO?
funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person???
17. Do you have a crush?
currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D
18. When did you have your first kiss?
i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????
19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands?
i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd
20. What are your deal breakers?
errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant
21. How was your day?
ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein
22. Favourite food & drink
deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water
23. What position do you sleep in?
i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow
24. What was your last dream about?
ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon
25. Your fears
not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3
26. Your dreams
i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own
27. Your goals
survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat
28. Any pets?
i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc
29. What are your hobbies?
writing stories about people in love, listening to music
30. Any cool places in your area?
in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess
31. What was your last awkward situation?
the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!
32. What is your last regret?
errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......
33. Language/s you can speak
English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish
34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.)
i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk
35. Have any quirks?
ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing
36. Your pet peeves
err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit
37. Ideal vacation
somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol
38. Any scars?
yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!
39. What does your last text message say?
‘ok thats a more than fair statement’
40. Last 5 things from your search history
how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome
41. What's your [device] background?
lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals
42. What do you daydream about?
the characters in my stories.................and being skinny
43. Describe your dream home
pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm
44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion
i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business
45. Your personality type
entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better
46. The most dangerous thing you've done
uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that
47. Are you happy with your current life?
its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night
48. Some things you've tried in your life
alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....
49. What does your wardrobe consist of?
sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings
50. Favourite colour to wear?
black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk
51. How would you describe your style?
oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care
52. Are you happy with your current looks?
no i hate everything about myself lol
53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be?
more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair
54. Any tattoos or piercings?
my nose and septum are pierced!
55. Do you get complimented often?
kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk
56. Favourite aesthetic?
i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!!
57. A popular trend that you dislike
nobody has a crush on me and i hate it
58. Songs you're currently obsessed with?
pied piper by BTS
59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like.
anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020
60. Favourite genre?
rap/r n b/alternative
61. Favourite artist/band/genre?
i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,
62. Hated popular songs/artists?
i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift
63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5
only - RY X
i.f.l.y. - Bazzi
novacane - frank ocean
jungle - drake
bang! - trippie redd
64. Can you sing or play any instruments?
no and no
65. Do you like karaoke?
no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone
66. Own any albums?
haha noooo i got apple music son
67. Do you listen to radio? What stations?
errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho
68. Favourite movie/series?
idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD
69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc
i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books
70. Your fictional crush/es
danny phantom, ken kaneki
71. Which fictional character is you?
uhhhh idk...
72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so
frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf
73. Favourite greek god?
idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades
74. A legend from where you live that you like
i don't really know any:(
75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist?
i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool
76. Can you share your other social media?
ig: ciannnna
venmo: ciannnna
77. Favourite youtubers?
i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain
78. Favourite platform?
twitter
79. How much time do you spend on the internet?
too much time
80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite?
i once played GTA5 that was fun!
81. Your favourite books (manga also counts)
idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall
82. Do you play board/card games?
no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity
83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema?
nopee
84. Favourite holiday
halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts
85. Are you into dramas?
i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me
86. Would you use death note, if you had one?
um YES.
87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to?
everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me
88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse?
absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills
89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be?
vampire duh [or maybe ghost]
90. What would you want to happen to you after your death?
i want to see my mom
91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick?
idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy
92. Who would you switch your life with for a week?
idk probably kylie jenner
93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo
idk the alien?
94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true
-im very productive with my time management skills
-my favorite color is purple
-i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public
95. Cold or hot?
cold
96. Be a hero or be a villain?
anti-hero
97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme?
sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme
98. Shapeshifting or controlling time?
shapeshifting
99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal
100. ..... or .....?
......?
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Fireworks
Also, called Fireworks | four times Virgil almost kissed Roman and one time they actually did or When Virgil Realised he was Fucked (althought, the only thing that could make this Rating T is all the swearwords). Anyway, this was an nexchange gift for @1-800-im-not-ok, i started writing it during Christmas which means this is Christmas themed, I hope you like it V
A big thanks to the amazing and fantastic @daring-elm for having beta-d this, ily <3
Words: 3441
Relationship/s: romantic Prinxiety, background romantic Logicality
Warnings: swearwords, kissing, fireworks, caplocks, if you see anything please tell me!
Virgil had only planned one thing for the looming Christmas vacation. And it was sleeping and catching up with everything that College had stopped him from enjoying.
In his humble opinion it was a great idea, not even the greatest strategists could devise such a masterplan. Although, in every masterplan there was a faulty factor that would be mistakenly forgotten.
For Virgil it had been Roman and Patton’s willingness to follow his plan. They had in fact rented a small chalet in the middle of nowhere and had decided to pass the 24th of December to the 5th of January without doing much else than spending time together.
At the beginning, it had even sounded an ideal situation, but Virgil realised he was fucked when he woke up the day of Christmas, earlier than intended to obviously.
In the living room, where he and Roman had been propped up to sleep, a sweet scent of cookies had invested him when the sun had just begun peaking through the mountains, showering the world in a soft pink light. Groggily, Virgil turned around, a loud groan escaping from his lips, followed by a chuckle.
“Good morning to you too, Sleep and Sound.”
At the voice, Virgil opened an eye, finding the bed next to him empty. Maybe it was the sleep still clouding his judgement or his anxiety kicking in, however, this didn’t change the fact that Virgil squealed concerned finding his side empty, jumping on his feet.
Roman chuckled once again, drawing Virgil’s gaze on him.
“Wha-?”
“I got up early to prepare, uh, breakfast for- all of you. Yeah, all of you.” He said, turning redder the more he talked.
“For being an incredibly talented actor you suck at lying, Princey.” Grinned Virgil, moving towards the kitchen.
“I am not!” Sputtered Roman, flaring as Virgil passed through the kitchen door smirking.
“Not what? Not a good acto- Oh.”
Roman turned to look at the kitchen and at Virgil, who had wide eyes and was staring at the numerous trays of cookies displayed around the room. He bit his lip nervously, hoping he hadn’t tragically messed up.
“They’re- they’re my favourite cookies…” Virgil turned to look at Roman, wonder and surprise so clear in those grey eyes that he had fallen so hard for. “How did you know the recipe and all?”
Roman guilty stared at a tray of biscuits. “I might have asked Logan to give me his recipe.”
“And he gave it to you so easily? Do you know how much I asked and I /still don’t have it?”
“Well, I pleaded, a lot. And, I promised I wouldn’t start singing Disney songs once here.”
Virgil chuckled, his low voice making Roman’s heart miss a beat.
“I- I just hope it was worth it.”
The smile that Virgil offered him was small, quiet and sincere. So Virgil, that it made Roman want to hug him and place a kiss on the top of his head, as told him how much he was gay for him.
However, he knew that Virgil would probably hate him if he ever tried doing hugging him or kissing him without consent. And that would be if he was interested in Roman, and there was a high chance he wasn’t, which was disheartening, to say the least.
Virgil took one of those cookies, a tiny one, and ate it quickly before offering another smile.
“Yeah, it was worth it.” He murmured, low enough that, even if there was someone in the room, only Roman could hear him.
Roman’s breath hitched when Virgil took an inside step towards him, sneaking his arms around him in a hug. They remained in that position for couple seconds, both hearing the other’s fast heartbeat.
“Can I kiss you?”
The words were just a whisper, barely audible to Roman’s ears, but they made his heart soar.
Roman nodded, before leaning down, eyes fluttering closed and-
“Hey guys- Oh my gosh!”
When Roman opened his eyes, staring into Virgil’s grey ones, both of them felt as their dream had been shattered. The two remained a couple of moments hugging each other, basking in the contact and not wanting to leave the other.
Virgil was the first to walk off, coughing awkwardly, taking a few cookies and walking out of the kitchen red faced.
“‘Morning Patt, I’m gonna go wake the nerd.”
Quickly Virgil disappeared, leaving Roman staring at a grinning Patton.
“I’m glad you two are finally dating!”
Between all the things he could’ve said, he said that?
“We’re not dating, Padre.” Answered Roman, turning to make space in the kitchen, finding that without Virgil’s warmth around him he felt empty.
“But, you were kissing!”
“No, we weren’t.”
“You totally would be if it wasn’t for me busting in before you could eat each other’s face!”
Roman turned towards his friends, uttering his famous trademark offended noises, only making Patton giggle.
“Okay, then. You aren’t dating. I have a plan that might help.”
“Oh?”
“Logan! I love your boyfriend, but, he shouldn’t be left entering rooms alone.” Exclaimed Virgil, sitting on the bed.
The previously mentioned man, turned to look at his friend, glaring.
“Why the fuck are you waking me up at the ass crack of fucking dawn?”
“Don’t let yourself be heard by Patton, or I won’t have a friend to ramble about my gay crush to.”
“What the fuck did that dipshit do this time?” Grumbled Logan, his voice muffled by the pillow he had hid his face in.
“He baked me cookies! With your secret recipe and they’re so good. Anyway, I hugged him and asked to kiss him and he nodded, which thinking about it, would that be a sign that he likes me. Probably not. But! We were about to kiss and I was dying, when your boyfriend came down and entered the kitchen and- fuck. I left the dad down with the handsome boy I was about to kiss.”
“That’s- that’s a lot of words uttered extremely fast, which I didn’t hear, or understand, half of.”
Virgil groaned, falling next to Logan.
“I am so gay, my heart can’t survive this.”
“I’m glad that you’re aware that you’re gay, Virgil.”
The second time Virgil knew he was fucked was after realising that it was snowing outside, when Roman and Patton had enthusiastically decided that they had to have a snowball fight.
It’s fair to say that Logan and Virgil are weak for the other two. It took puppy dog eyes and a couple of kisses to get Logan outside, and only a smile from Roman to get Virgil too.
Leaving the two men, raccooned in their heavy clothes, throwing snowballs at the others and trying not to swear.
During the fight, as it got more intense, Patton disappeared behind the enemies walls, bringing Roman with him. After moments of eerie silence, where Virgil and Logan could do nothing but look helplessly at where they had disappeared, fearing of what was going to happen, the two returned at full force.
Patton ran to his boyfriend, tackling him in a hug and peppering his face in kisses before giggling gleefully under Logan’s fond gaze. Instead, Roman, simply tackled the other in the snow in an impromptu snow fight. Rolling in the snow, until Virgil managed to pin Roman to the ground, sporting a smirk.
He looked down at the man, brown eyes wide and a red blush covering his handsome features.
“Hello there.”
“Get off me, prick.”
“Oh? So I’m the prick now?” Whispered back Virgil closing the gap between them, enjoying as Roman became more flustered by the second.
“No. Well, yes? I think- I don’t know, it’s hard to think when you’re close.”
“Is it now?” Asked teasing Virgil, a hand falling in the others hair and beginning to play with a few strands of hair, at Roman’s dismay, who blushed profusely. Humming Roman said:
“Oh yeah, those eyes are what I dream about and those lips…”
This was Virgil’s time to flush bright red, as Roman’s eyes fell on his lips.
“Would you mind telling me, or showing me, how these dreams about me are?” Virgil managed to stammer, slowly closing the gap between the two.
“Of course.”
Said Roman in a whisper, before his eyes fluttered closed.
However, it was too good to be true and Logan had still a surprisingly good aim, which he brought to use to throw a snowball at Virgil.
“Lo! They were having a moment!” Exclaimed Patton and both men on the ground turned to observe the scene.
Logan shrugged. “No PDA aloud.”
“Unfair, you make out with Patton at every opportunity!” Argued Virgil, flopping on the snow next to Roman who barked out in laugher.
“FALSEHOOD!”
The shout startled all three of them, making them jump back and turn towards Logan, who quickly recomposed himself. His cold demeanour returning before their very eyes.
“I’m sorry for my outburst.”
The statement was followed by a curt cough filled with awkwardness, before he continued.
“I would recommend we return inside before the snow storm starts. And, since we have to refill the pantry and /someone decided to bake cookies…”
“Hey!”
“... to demonstrate my guilt for having shouted earlier, I offer myself to go down to the town and buy enough food to, at least, survive another few days. We might get snowed in, it’s better to be cautious than reckless.”
Throwing a glare towards Roman, who grinned amused, Logan began walking towards the house, Patton close to his heels. Once he reached him, he took Logan’s hand, turning him to look at him, a fond expression on his face.
“It’s okay, Lolo. You don’t have to go. But, if you really want to go I can come with you to keep you company, honey.”
Logan’s face softened, leaving a tiny kiss on his forehead.
“Of course you come, starshine.” He murmured barely audibly, taking Patton inside.
In the meantime, Roman had gotten up on his feet, offering a hand to Virgil, who was following with his eyes the couple, still sat on the snow.
Smirking Virgil took the hand, getting up and intertwining their fingers together.
Sharing a smile the two returned to the warmth of the chalet.
The third time he knew he was utterly and irremediably fucked was hours later, Logan and Patton nowhere in sight, lost in the storm that surrounded the mountains. Leaving Virgil and Roman alone in the house.
They had been huddled next to each, softly chatting, as they ate some of the cookies and the fire of the fireplace warming them.
Virgil didn’t remember what they were talking about, something about tea and coffee and hot chocolate, but, when he turned towards Roman he froze. For once, his mind was silent, taking in the man before him.
His dark eyes were shining in amusement, a lopsided grin - the same that made Virgil weak to his knees - was bright and his hair had curled up in irresistible locks that made Virgil want to sink his hand in and kiss him senselessly.
“Uhm, Virgil? You’ve been staring at me for nearly two whole minutes. I know I’m stunning, but if you want, you can take a picture of me.” Said Roman, his grin widening.
Oh god, he’s amazing.
Virgil shrugged, leaning on Roman, his face flushing bright red.
“It’s nothing- just- what- can you repeat what you were saying?”
Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on Virgil’s hair. “I was simply stating that hot chocolate should only be drank with small marshmallows in it. Nothing more.”
At that, Virgil scrunched his nose.
“I’d rather prefer the treasure that is hot chocolate without disgusting marshmallows to ruin it.”
Roman gasped at his words, utterly betrayed by the man he thought he loved.
“How dare you? How dare you say that you hate marshmallows? Especially in hot chocolate? Do you hate love, you demon without a heart?”
Although, Virgil snorted at his antics, he couldn’t stop a fond smirk from appearing.
“But… I could forgive you.”
Quirking his eyebrow, Virgil, tilted his head to look at Roman’s equally red face.
“You could?”
Roman smiled softly, cupping Virgil’s cheeks and failing to not lose himself in man before him and those grey storming eyes, that reminded him of how Virgil had swept in his life like a storm. Absolutely changing his life upside down. God, had he fallen hard for this emo.
“Yeah, I could.” He whispered.
Virgil’s eyes fluttered closed as he felt the ghost of Roman’s lips on his.
The next thing he knew was someone, or rather Patton, shouting from the other side of the door:
“KIDDOS! Please, open the doo- IT’S SNOWING!”
When Virgil opened his eyes once again, he saw his disappointment reflecting in Roman’s eyes.
“We gotta go save those two idiots, don’t we?” Asked Virgil, with a defeated sigh.
Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on his forehead before getting up to open the door to their two friends.
“Couldn’t you just come two minutes later? I was about to kiss my boyfriend!” Grumbled Virgil, following Roman and reaching to help to the two.
Patton squealed, letting the bags he was holding fall to the ground.
“You got together?”
Roman’s eyes fell on Virgil, who had flushed bright red and had started stammering incoherently.
“Well, no, I mean- sure, yes, if-“ then he turned towards Roman, offering a hopeful smile.
“Would you be my boyfriend?”
Roman grinned at the words.
“That was the most unromantic way of asking me and you don’t like marshmallows in your hot chocolate, but- holy shit. I’d love to be your boyfriend.”
Taking Virgil, his /boyfriend, in his arms, the two were only left to bask in the others presence. Observing the quiet glee that resounded in Virgil and the boisterous joy that Roman didn’t dare hide.
That was until Logan cleared his throat, divert their attention to him.
“I’m glad you finally sorted through your romantic shenanigans, however, the door is still open, the snow storm is still raging and we need to bring everything inside before the snow makes it impossible to get back outside.”
Virgil separated from Roman smiling brightly, turning to help Logan bring everything inside.
He might not have gotten a kiss, but, he had a boyfriend now and that was enough for him.
Virgil knew he was fucked the next day, when he woke up from his boyfriend’s warmth, the snow storm still raging outside. Cold and seemingly without wanting to stop.
He shuffled closer to Roman, his boyfriend- it was still unbelievable that such a handsome and amazing person like Roman had chosen him. The steady breathing, the warm secure arms around him and the falling and rising of his chest grounding Virgil.
As Roman slept, lost in the land of dreams, he was left gazing at the other man. Trying to remember his every trait and detail. How his curly hair adorned his handsome face, the expression of pure relaxation painted on his face, his perfect jaw calling for Virgil’s lips in an impulse hard to resist.
“You’re staring again, stormy angel.” Slurred Roman, eyes pressed together and tightening his grip around his smaller boyfriend. Virgil giggled softly, letting a kiss on the others nose.
“Can you blame me? I’m trying to immortalise this moment, how gorgeous my boyfriend looked when he woke up for the first time in my arms.”
At his words, Roman snorted opening his eyes. The pale blush that had started spreading on his cheeks was obvious, soft like the petals of a rose. A rose, such a perfect metaphor for Roman.
“That’s- you’re so perfect. But, you don’t have to immortalise me, I’m here. I’m not going away, I’m not going to abandon you because you- you deserve so much, my lovely and stormy angel.”
Hiding his flushed face in Roman’s chest, he hugged him tighter, willing his eyes close.
“Thank you, my handsome prince. I- what did I do to deserve you?”
A ghost of a smile appeared on Roman’s face, as he caressed with a thumb his boyfriend’s cheek.
“Except being a fabulous boyfriend?” He chuckled, “Nothing. You don’t have to do anything to deserve love. You deserve it no matter what.”
Virgil opened his eyes slowly, staring quietly in Roman’s dark brown eyes, the colour of fresh earth, and of the sweetest of chocolates.
“Uhm, you- have very pretty eyes.”
Roman’s chest thundered with laughter at his words, making Virgil swell with pride. Between stolen glances whenever he could, Virgil had come to the conclusion that when Roman laughed he was beautiful.
“Gosh, I could kiss you.” Breathed out Virgil, still caught in the awe of the view.
“Then please do.”
The gap between them closed once more, this time though he managed to press his lips against Roman’s before a clang interrupted them.
“FUCK!” Came the following remark by none other than Logan.
“Oh come on!” Grumbled Virgil, hiding his face in Roman’s shoulder, followed by another laugh.
This was honestly getting ridiculous, why could the fates or destiny or whatever just align so he could fucking kiss the hell out of his boyfriend?
“Do you think he needs help some there in the kitchen?” Roman wondered, moving Virgil’s fringe from his eyes.
He snorted, clinging to Roman. “He’s a fucking baker, I hope he can survive enough to not burn the housel. Plus, there’s no way in hell anyone is getting me out of this comfortable bed where I’m cuddling my wonderful and comfortable boyfriend.”
Roman chuckled, placing a kiss on his forehead.
“Alright, I think I understand.”
“You better because I’m not moving.”
A few hours later, Roman had successfully managed to get Virgil out of bed, despite the others threats and whines. They were now in the kitchen, staring at the scene before them, Virgil perched on the counter legs dangling and Roman casually resting next to him.
“It’s disgusting. It’s like watching your parents.” Groaned Virgil, taking another bite of the heavenly cookies Logan had prepared.
It seemed that after Roman’s baking spree the morning before, Logan had decided to bake some cookies too. Except he had overdone it, probably because he was worried he would let down his cookie loving boyfriend, and now the whole kitchen and living-room was filled with batches of cookies of all kind.
When Patton has seen it, his eyes widened, his bright smile appearing and flinging himself in Logan’s arms, proceeding to kiss him senselessly. In front of their two friends.
“Are we like that too?” Asked Roman, turning to look at Virgil.
“I don’t think so. I, mean, we have never went at one am in the morning to a cinema only to have a steamy make out session that resulted in being banned from the cinema and having your best friend come and fetch you.”
“What the fuck? Have they actually done that?”
Virgil turned to look at Roman’s wide, incredulous eyes. “Yes. It was a week after they got together, after that they just chose to do- who knows what when I wasn’t in the apartment.”
“Holy shit, the nerd isn’t as stuck-up as I thought.”
+1
They had been lucky, soon after breakfast the snow storm had cleared up.
It was still impossible to get back to town, however, they could get out of the house. In the time for that night's show.
The sky had gone dark, stars shining brighter than they have ever seen, a guidance maybe, it surely was for those who first mapped them and that Logan was now excitedly telling Patton about. Roman and Virgil had decided to stand a few meters of distance, their fingers intertwined together as they awaited for the beginning to fireworks.
“It’s- breathtaking.” Whispered Roman, gaze lost in the white mountains that surrounded them like giants. Virgil hummed in agreement.
That was when the fireworks started.
Bright colours obscuring the dark sky, making the white giants shine with a bit of more colour. Roman turned towards Virgil, eyes shining from the overwhelming emotions that those incredible colours brought. However, his voice ideas in his throat at the sight of his boyfriend.
He too was captivated by them, lips slightly parted and eyes reflecting the colours that shone so beautifully. With a soft smile, Roman tugged on his scarf, making Virgil turn towards him.
“Prince-?”
The nickname, though, was never concluded as Roman kissed him.
Fireworks.
That was all that Virgil could describe the kiss as: fireworks at every touch. Colours and passion flashing above their heads and in their hearts, until they were left breathless.
#roman sanders#virgil sanders#patton sanders#logan sanders#prinxiety#logicality#sanders sides#sam writes#tw kissing#fluff
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1-100 TELL ME ALL
Get To Know Me Uncomfortably Well
1. What is you middle name?
Jesse
2. How old are you?
22
3. When is your birthday?
dec 9
4. What is your zodiac sign?
sagittarius
5. What is your favorite color?
purples
6. What’s your lucky number?
9
7. Do you have any pets?
no
8. Where are you from?
bc canada. my great grandparents are from russia
9. How tall are you?
5 something
10. What shoe size are you?
7?
11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?
3 that i actually use
12. What was your last dream about?
i dont remember my most recent one but i had a banger of a dream i described in another post
13. What talents do you have?
i think expressing myself, or music, i have some talent that needs discipline
14. Are you psychic in any way?
well i am a spiritual person, in a way. and growing up in a toxic drama filled family, i have Developed the Skill of guessing how people are feeling and what they are gonna do. and i analyze dreams. so not psychic but i am really interested and intuitive whats goin on in there
15. Favorite song?
for some reason https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oilVq8-F4_Q colours by roosevelt ive been obsessed with lately i just loop that shit. loop loop loop. blaringit into my ears and speedwalking down thestreet. the beat.!!!! i feel like I took all the colours
16. Favorite movie?
spiderverse. i really enjoyed always be my maybe.
17. Who would be your ideal partner?
someone who doesnt make me feel like im Too Much
18. Do you want children?
not RIGHT NOW
19. Do you want a church wedding?
i have no idea actually. id want a special wedding definitely.
20. Are you religious?
yes, i honestly feel like i just come like this, i dont go by any books and i dont want to be associated with christians. if i be too religious i start getting the Bad Feelings
21. Have you ever been to the hospital?
yes visiting sick relatives. and one in a psyche ward.
22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law?
i got a parking ticket
23. Have you ever met any celebrities?
no. maybe i did and i had no idea who they were because id never heard of them
24. Baths or showers?
showers.
25. What color socks are you wearing?
alien socks that are green and black
26. Have you ever been famous?
no. what does that even mean !!!!
27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?
yes because money but noooooo. its hard when one person definitely doesnt like me. if im famous some people just wont like me and theres going to be more of them
28. What type of music do you like?
stuff with electric guitars in it. funk. bops. i cant get enough lately
29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?
no
30. How many pillows do you sleep with?
one. and sometimes NONE. i dont fucking know why its just more comfortable. id lie down on a floor and pass out
31. What position do you usually sleep in?
i usually cant fall asleep unless im on my face with my arms tucked under me for warmpth and general log shape. after that though its chaos. dreamin
32. How big is your house?
BIG!!!!!! so many rooms. so many people.
33. What do you typically have for breakfast?
on a Functional day, cereal. not because its my favourite thing but it doesnt require a lot of attention and its easiest to tolerate. my appetite is just. like this
34. Have you ever fired a gun?
HELL no.
35. Have you ever tried archery?
in my child days i shot my hair elastics around and pretended i was fighting aliens. this is definitely archery.
36. Favorite clean word?
i dont really think about words like that. pizza is a nice word.
37. Favorite swear word?
bitch. its really fun to say.
38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep?
not all that long. if i was up the entire night i am usually sleeping in midday no matter where i am. ive disappointed many teachers. its called not caring.
39. Do you have any scars?
yes, but theres no dramatic stories to them, just me not leaving scratches and bites alone as a kid. they look kind of cool though. and theyre so mysterious. youd think id have scars from self harm but no.
40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?
i believe so...
41. Are you a good liar?
yes, when i am 100% like morally committed to lying.
42. Are you a good judge of character?
NO. my thought process is: its rude to assume someone is going to behave badly, and they will be offended and have hurt feelings if you anticipate that. i have to like. treat everyone with exactly the same respect unless theyre a dick. otherwise its being judgmental. and it ends up as naïveté. but im okay with that . the price of being a good person
43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?
i could do a british one once i guess LOL and it looks like now ive Absorbed a mexican accent but i never really try to talk in other accents
44. Do you have a strong accent?
i dont know how to answer this
45. What is your favorite accent?
idk i like new things i havent heard before. and thinking about how other languages work. theres a lot of different accents at my work and i honestly enjoy listening to them
46. What is your personality type?
that.... INFJ. see. psychic
47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?
one of the gay jackets
48. Can you curl your tongue?
dont think so
49. Are you an innie or an outie?
innie
50. Left or right handed?
left
51. Are you scared of spiders?
depends. i had these big house spiders in my dungeon at my parents house, and id just be “hi” and set them free. but if i see one where im not expecting it i might yell a lot and tell everyone and run around and then set it free
52. Favorite food?
tacos from my old work. i was indeed. screaming, lost in the sauce. i waited until i was away from the restaurant because i knew all my dignity would vanish
53. Favorite foreign food?
idk... i need to eat more curry. i need more curryin my life. bring it on.
54. Are you a clean or messy person?
clean
55. Most used phrased?
“this slaps” i feel like ive been saying that a lot
56. Most used word?
I
57. How long does it take for you to get ready?
a whole entire fucking hour (when i wake up) otherwise 5min
58. Do you have much of an ego?
i do, but i hide it.
59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?
chomp chomp. i am not a patient man.
60. Do you talk to yourself?
yes, when i know no ones around, or when im not worried about seeming like a crazy person at work
61. Do you sing to yourself?
nah
62. Are you a good singer?
no. i can sing and it sound okay. nice even. but good??? like beautiful?????? no.
63. Biggest Fear?
someone dying, natural disaster, new illness
64. Are you a gossip?
maybe. i feel like i have the Tendencies and then im like “am i being a bad person right now”. i want to know the deets though.
65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?
i Simply Dont Have the Attention for Those
66. Do you like long or short hair?
BOTH . long hair is more fun to draw. short hair is hot
67. Can you name all 50 states of America?
fuck no. why would i. fuck off. i dont care about your states.
68. Favorite school subject?
ART ART AR T
69. Extrovert or Introvert?
introerverte
70. Have you ever been scuba diving?
no
71. What makes you nervous?
people who are not Definitely Cheerful
72. Are you scared of the dark?
no. unless i think about things to scare myself on purpose
73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?
no unless they need to know. because im not a fucking ANIMAL
74. Are you ticklish?
depends. i can be not ticklish if im determined.
75. Have you ever started a rumor?
i dont think so... i started a rumor i was from mars
76. Have you ever been in a position of authority?
maybe i was supposed to train some girls and then i probably didnt do a great job and they didnt listen. they say my job now is somewhat authority and im like...... ok......
77. Have you ever drank underage?
no
78. Have you ever done drugs?
no
79. Who was your first real crush?
someone whos OUTTA MY LIFE
80. How many piercings do you have?
two? i got them pierecd at claires lmao and i didnt get an infection because im so salty. then i took them out because they were from claries
81. Can you roll your Rs?“
hell yes
82. How fast can you type?
so fucking fast. faster than my work finder helper. im fast im very fast
83. How fast can you run?
IM VERY FAST
84. What color is your hair?
orange
85. What color is your eyes?
green
86. What are you allergic to?
im still trying to figure that out. whatever it is gives me hives
87. Do you keep a journal?
yes. so i can get better at handwriting and just talking in general and hear what my voice sounds like. and to have a space away from other peoples needs and pressures
88. What do your parents do?
my mom is a stay at home mom and my dad shoots pop bottles into the sky
89. Do you like your age?
sure
90. What makes you angry?
everything. cabbage. i swore about cabbage for a long time the other day. i am just full of anger.
91. Do you like your own name?
YES. i mean i chose it i better. honestly my first name ......... i feel self conscious about it sometimes. i think it was the only name for me though. it wasnt the ideal most wonderful namei could find because those didnt fit, it was MY name.
92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they?
im going to have two sons and im naming them brick and rusty.
93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?
yeah, i want a boy a girl
94. What are you strengths?
my strengths doing all 100 questions, this is serious muscles
95. What are your weaknesses?
the exhaustion of jumping from one question to the next especially when they are vague. im not complaining this was my idea
96. How did you get your name?
i pfound it in the baby name book and i was lie “hey yyy, i saw that name in black beauty, lets use it for my gay coded villain what the hell!”
97. Were your ancestors royalty?
no but i did have some ancestors who lives i a mansions andhad fucking SERVANTS. before you call me problematic my other part of family was like sewing things and not going to school
98. Do you have any scars?
weve been over this. when im older im going to get a cool scar fighting a dragon
99. Color of your bedspread?
pink, white, blue
100. Color of your room?
white
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how the venus signs behave when they like someone 💗
actual user testimonials.
aries venus
“I’m really irritating if I’m interested 😂 like I gotta push all your buttons, tease you, and I looooove some witty back and forth. gotta find out if they can keep up! I can also be very touchy, but not in a sexual way?? like in a playful ‘let’s wrestle’ kind of way 😂 I know I know wtf”
“I’m very jealous, I don’t want someone to touch or to talk with who I like (a lot). I’m Taurus Sun, so even if Aries is like ‘CHARGE’! Taurus is like ‘Calm down man’. I’m possessive and I give everything I have, of course. I’m very passional and protective with I love the most. I love hugs. Sometimes I do things too quickly and I don’t want to wait too much.”
“I tend to be very teasing and like to make fun of my crush (not in a mean way, just in a fun way)”
taurus venus
“I tend to either cut a romantic relationship after about either a day or a week OR stay in the relationship, I fall in love over and over again. Very "tsundere" type in relationships (personally), takes a lot to let someone in. If I'm really, and truly into someone I pursue it methodically (sometimes). Bonding over food, sleep, intimacy, feeling safe. I notice little details too, I like to nurture A LOT. I adore comfortable silence the most.”
“I'm warm and caring towards all people (gemini sun) but I love touch, holding hands, flirting, kissing. Friends to lovers is where it's at. And loving friends like lovers. Sharing tea, watching the stars, dancing, listening to music, good conversation and laughing can make me fall in love with anyone.”
gemini venus
“When I like someone, I will talk their ear off. Of course, I’ll try to get as close as possible to them, but I always feel like communication is key + its the easiest way to flirt for me”
“I am normally outgoing but when I like someone I just tend to ignore them tbh. But I would start dressing nicer, or saying hey in the hallways or wherever, and try to get close to them physically. But act nonchalant towards them and talkative to everybody else.”
“Usually kind of take on person x’s personality traits without thinking about it, if they regularly use slang like ‘homeslice’ or ‘chief’ i’ll unknowingly start using them in everyday conversation”
“I try to make them laugh, I try to seem like I’m interested in the things they’re interested in, and tell them a bit about my interests. The night I first met my boyfriend I was watching an nfl game and I explained all the rules of football lmao I just try to seem interesting I guess”
“I act very flirty and try to make witty jokes and make them laugh and try to have conversations with them whenever possible”
cancer venus
“Im super picky about who I like and at first I can be very like ‘ruN away and never be near them’ at first when I actually find someone I like but then I get SUPER ‘I want to make you feel so 100000% supported and loved and I’m gonna knit you blanket n give you so many thoughtful gifts and show my affection by caring with my whole heart’”
leo venus
“I try so much harder to look good! i start fluffing my hair, wearing makeup, thinking through what i wear. i try to become the center of attention in any situation in a lowkey way.”
“I'm a very reserved and shy person, but when someone I like is around me I don't go all shy and passive... My bold and flirty side comes out hungry for their attention, I don't even know how it happens. I want to show I'm the best. You can see it in my voice, eyes, corporal gestures and even how I talk (vocabulary and some insinuations). Love gives me the strength to be what I want to hide.”
"I approach it the same way as you — focus more on appearance. I also make sure to pay more attention to them in case they're upset or anything & ask if they're okay 😅”
virgo venus
“I usually make a lot of eye contact and try to find a subject of discussion with the person i like. i also giggle a lot and become a little extra sarcastic”
libra venus
“I get shy around them. I usually try not to make it known, and when we are alone, I get super awkward, and introverted. But around when we're around other people, I unintentionally flirt a lot with them, and crack jokes like its no one's business.”
“At first I will just be really nice and friendly. Once we've become closer as friends I'll start joke flirting and looking for any excuse to touch them. Usually, softly rubbing their arm in a distracted way so they don't think it's intentional (but it IS 😏). I can sometimes feel myself getting too obvious and giving "those" eyes and I can't stop myself?? Like bitch stop!! But she won't.”
“I start to dress super nice and flattering, make sure my makeup is PERFECT, and make extra sure to smell super nice. I make shy eye contact, get interested in what they're saying, compliment their fashion taste, help them out when they need it, and laugh at their jokes. I also make sure not be around them too much. Like I make them want me and want to see me again by doing all those things above, but also by not being always around. (idk my English is mediocre lmao)”
scorpio venus
“I'm a Scorpio Venus and I'm actually the worst person to when it comes to crushes. As soon as I realize that I like someone I go and act like I don't care about them. Not ignoring per say, just sort of playing hard to get. I think as soon as you become more elusive, people take an interest. It's only when I get more comfortable with that crush/they get more comfortable with me or start pursuing me, I start playfully teasing or making jokes. That might just be my Sag Sun though lol”
“I try to get their attention as much as I can, weather it be by wearing a nice perfume around them, dressing a little more provocative, if I know they like me then I’ll get WAY more risky and tease them a lot. I like playing hard to get, make them want me, you know.”
“When I like somebody, i try to know all of their secrets and thoughts that they keep to themselves.”
sagittarius venus
“I like to Make people laugh and I’m very friendly and outgoing when I like someone but at the same time it’s in the 10th house so I like to play hard to get”
“I like it natural and casual. I do not force it too much but whenever I can, I try to make the other person laugh. I like to play a little hard to get too. I like the chase. I like games, I like teasing, I like jokes, laughter. I want a partner in crime. I like making out close to nature.”
capricorn venus
“When I like someone I tend to start giving them a lot of gifts and become a lot more willing to do favors or other things for them, As far as like appearances go I get more relaxed about the state they see me in”
“When I like someone I do not make eye contact. If I do though, things get too heavy for me and I look away immediately. I won't really go near you in fear of looking desperate or out of place in any way. I may also seem too serious and self composed but it's only because I'm scared to look like a fool when I want to impress someone. God damnit Saturn 😅”
aquarius venus
"Someone being authentically themselves and not smothering me is ideal, also talking about deeper things versus small talk is really important to me”
pisces venus
“When i have a crush on someone i can’t help but get nervous around them, but even then i’ll still try/want to be around them. i’ll want to joke around with them and unknowingly AND knowingly flirt. but mostly i just like to mess around and have fun and be cute together”
“I’m always very playful around the person i like. i’m more likely to make very silly jokes and tease them. i also like to make things for them or give gifts? i tend to be a lot softer & sweeter towards them than other people. i’m also indirect and shy as fuck and will rarely approach them or reach out to them first, and instead wait until they notice me”
“It can be very hard to tell when i like someone because i HATE getting rejected?! usually i put more effort into making them laugh (or laughing if they would rather make me laugh) and i'm always wanting them to feel understood/nurtured. Can be flighty depending on mood but when i am around them i put a lot of effort into making it quality time™”
“When i like someone im quite shy around them like one time i was walking thru the school hallway and i saw my crush was walking my way i literally dash and ran away from him yea..... 🙂”
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@ leftists saying that “no one died at tiananmen” - you have no idea what the fuck youre talking about and you need to shut up
the fact that you believe that it is “capitalist” or “trotskyist” propaganda that protesters were killed under deng xiaoping’s china (you probably dont even know who that is) is just disgusting. if you took five seconds to look past social media and read some actual research by credited historians and human rights activists you’ll find that, yes, actually, china does have and has had some pretty damn dark atrocities on their hands in the past few decades.
im going to cover the very basics, going from an in-depth study i did into the massacre two years ago that took up half of my final year of high school. for reference i received a very high grade on this project, however i will be looking back at my sources and not at my essay itself in order to keep bias out. however it’s also important to know that you can access every one of the sources im going to use without even a university tertiary papers allowance, since i went to a public school which had no subscription of any kind to a paper database, and any papers and academic journals i would have to raid the internet for or pay for out of pocket.
this post, despite being the basics of the situation, is also fairly long. you know why? this is a complicated fucking situation with a lot of elements at play here to understand. funny that, that you cant actually understand this kind of event by looking at a bunch of youtube videos talking about it from a political perspective without actually understanding what the fuck happened. huh.
on sourcing
this post isnt an essay. im not going to use an academic standard of reference or neutrality here. what i will do is occasionally link to some good articles throughout the essay and list all sources at the end of the post. understand that all facts and statements made in this post are from verifiable and creditable academic sources which i have evaluated, including evaluating the author of second-hand sources from a leftist perspective.
1) student protest in china
student protest is a pretty staple aspect of chinese culture and has been for a while. im not chinese myself, and im not a scholar of chinese history, but student protest has been described in many texts to have precipitated much of 20th century china’s development, one example being the student-led may fourth movement of 1919 which led to the creation of the Chinese Communist Party.
the tiananmen square protests were a series of protests which constituted, in significant amounts, university students. the history of modern, communist china is known to rest on university students, and student activisim was embraced and encouraged by mao (read the below point). for the chinese government to turn so brutally on that protest is extremely telling of a shift in doctrine and attitude, and makes the tiananmen square one of the most important moments in demonstrating the modern state of china’s relationship with criticism and protest, as well as its roots.
2) mao vs deng xiaoping
i understand that a lot of leftist ‘hesitation’ to believe that the chinese government massacred children in the late 1980s comes from the leftist appreciation for mao zedong. in the 1960s china began to shift back into a class system, and in response mao created the ‘Red Guard’, which was basically him encouraging students to follow his ideals and criticise the rise of old bourgeois and bureaucratic habits. mao didn’t want a class system reoccurring and he understood that communist china had been raised on the shoulders and hard work of chinese university academics and students.
i just want to point out that the tiananmen square massacre happened in 1989. mao zedong died in 1976. mao zedong had been dead for over a decade when it happened.
the man in charge of china when mao zedong died was deng xiaoping, who was known for being extremely critical of mao’s followers and had a militaristic attitude and foundation - in fact, he was known for having a fair few military ties. deng xiaping fully succeeded mao by 1978, and became known for enabling further chinese economic freedom (which led to the class system returning at a much greater rate; however also proposed greater freedom to criticise the government in theory - in theory. yeah that didnt happen). deng xiaoping also put into effect the infamous one child policy (which pushed families with more than one child into further poverty and encouraged parents to abandon female babies). deng xiaoping also executed thousands of criminals in an attempt to curb crime rates.
i could go all day into deng xiaoping’s reign over china. there were other dark effects of his rule - lower wages for academics; a widening gap between rich and poor; extreme corruption; and inflation that soared on food prices in the mid-1980s which led to many poor chinese citizens starving. this man was, to put it simply, evil. to associate him with mao at all is ridiculous. even time magazine noticed how different china had become - the september 26 1983 cover headline was literally “banishing mao’s ghost: deng xiaoping”.
he was not mao zedong. if your taking sides with the chinese government and trying to see this from a “capitalist propaganda” perspective is because youre a maoist, then youre clearly misunderstanding who was in charge here. even before mao died he was losing power while deng xiaoping was gaining it through his military ties. the 1970s and 80s was a period of rapid transformation into hell in china. the china of the 50s and 60s is extremely different from that of the late 80s.
3) the democracy movement
the protest in early june 1989 was part of a greater student movement that had been carrying on and picking up fervour throughout the mid-to-late 1980s in china. majorly comprised of university students and academics, it sought to oppose the blaring issues and evils of deng xiaoping’s rule. protestors had been filling tiananmen square even in early 1987, their reach spanned many cities and protests often reached one million people.
the democracy movement, as it was called [there was also the peoples liberation army but the democracy movement is the overarching movement], criticised the lack of communication between protestors and the communist party, unemployment, wage gaps, and demanded democracy. the movement was tolerated, however, with little to no violent opposition. this peaceful attitude cannot be accredited to deng xiaoping - many historians have credited this to the influence of general secretary hu yaobang who was dismissed in 1986 for being too permissive.
throughout the late 1980s and especially in 1989, the protests began to heat up and non-academic chinese citizens began to also participate. in mid-april 1989 hu yaobang died, and the catalyst for a massive intensification of the protests began. tiananmen square is considered the centre of political power in beijing - a short time after hu yaobang’s death around 600 students and teachers laid a wreath for him in the square. many others in the following days also laid wreaths for him, and the demands of the democracy movement were again enunciated.
4) the massacre lead-up
over the next few months thousands of students occupied tiananmen square, frequently holding hunger strikes while attempting still to communicate with the deng xiaoping-led communist party. millions across the country were in solidarity.
on may 20th 1989, martial law was declared against the protests, and troops began to be stationed across beijing. millions of protestors still turned up, and it was reported many troops at this period refused to shoot the protestors despite their orders.
a statue of the goddess of democracy was also raised in tiananmen square by protestors, and, ahead of a visit from mikhael gorbachev, a hunger strike also took place. these protests continued every day and gained immense amounts of support from the chinese public.
[photo credit shelly zang]
5) the massacre
by early june the protests were still going strong and still gaining traction fast. on the night of june 3rd, the troops stationed in beijing began to mobilise, and this time the soldiers obeyed martial law. the troops were heavily armed and deng xiaoping did not hesitate to order the army to deploy military vehicles such as tanks to clear out the protesters using the violence he had used when he had executed criminals.
if youre unwilling to believe, for some reason, blood was shed, then here: a news site by the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, Australia’s public news service (which is fairly left-leaning, especially in its journalists), which summarises the massacre and includes many, many pictures of the violence, suffering, and bloodshed. MASSIVE TW FOR VIOLENCE, DEATH, BLOOD, GORE
with the sheer volume of fleeing protesters and the entire force of the chinese army being pushed down on the beijing populace, many soldiers did not know or had no involvement in the killing - many, upon learning of it, immediately flew the white flag and fled.
6) the death count
to this day, the count of the amount of civilians and protestors who died in the massacre is unknown. it will probably never be known.
in 1989 and 1990 amnesty international human rights investigators collected testimonies from witnesses and attempted to calculate the death toll. testimonies concluded that it was highly likely that, in the early morning hours of june 5th, the army collected the bodies lying on the street, piled them into heaps, and burned them. if the death count was counted then it is likely it will never be released and/or never be able to be confirmed. it was also reported that several hundred people, mainly protesters now in hiding, were executed between june and august. in 1990 thousands were still in jail for their participation and, at this point in time, ill hazard a guess that theyre either still in there or are dead. the surviving leaders of the democracy movement fled the country almost immediately.
a safe estimation of the death toll, with both physical and witness testimony, puts the death toll of soldiers at perhaps a dozen, and the death toll of civilians between 400-several thousand. blood and burned tanks stained the streets of beijing for a time after the massacre, and a recreation of a bloodied sect of street remains in wroclaw, poland, as a response in solidarity with the victims.
this is the memorial. this is a recreation of an actual piece of street. what you see is a bicycle, toppled and crushed, and the heavy tracks of a tank. the red paint - that’s the blood of a massacred chinese civilian.
7) general current status
now going through a lot of my old notes, i found two very good slides of quotes i made during my note-taking period that just about sums this section up:
[full sources will be at the end of the post]
8) leftists and my interpretation
i know that it can all seem that the perception of the chinese government as bad and scary and terrible is all a capitalist propaganda piece to demonise china. some of this perception is, and a lot of this perception also falls into orientalism. however the government that was created and left by deng xiaoping is nothing short of evil, and taking its side as a stance against capitalism when the tiananment square massacred a whole heap of pro-maoist activists is...well. it’s uneducated and idiotic. its also highly offensive because these are people who would align with leftism. these people were killed by a violent, classist government that sought to become capitalism, all for peacefully attempting to negotiate openly with deng xiaoping’s policies. they were massacred, hunted down, imprisoned. there is nothing else to say here, no controversy. denying this happened is along the lines of holocaust denial and it disgusts me to see my fellow leftists engaging in such right wing conspiratorial thought.
please, please reblog this. i think a lot of people understand vaguely what happened but dont truly understand. and while im not suggesting im an expert - all ive done is provided a basic summary with some extra explanation from a leftist perspective - and chinese history isnt even my forte - i would prefer to teach those what i know and open up discussion from proper chinese history scholars and chinese leftists themselves.
i also hope that this gives perspective to the current student protests in hong kong, and why student protests being shut down signals the proper end of the chinese communist era and china’s shift to totalitarian capitalism and fascism.
i would love for some chinese leftists, historians, and scholars to add in if you feel.
SOURCES/FURTHER READING:
Books, Papers, Newspaper Articles:
Amnesty International (1990) China: The Massacre of June 1989 and its Aftermath, 17th March, 1990
Harding, H. (1990) The Impact of Tiananmen on China’s Foreign Policy, National Bureau of Asian and Soviet Research, December 1990
Kristof, N.D. “A Reassessment of How Many Died in the Military Crackdown in Beijing”. The New York Times, 21st June, 1989.
Laidlaw, R. (1994) China: A Documentary History, MacMillan, South Melbourne
Richelson, J.T., and Evans, M.L. (1999) Tiananmen Square, 1989: The Declassified History [Online] Available at: https://nsarchive.gwv.edu.BSAEBB/NSAEBB16/, Accessed 1st August, 2017
Laidlaw, R. (1994) China: A Documentary History, MacMillan Education Australia, South Melbourne
Amnesty International (1990) China: The Massacre of June 1989 and its Aftermath, 17th March 1990
Summaries and Discussions:
Leslie, T. (2014) Tiananmen Square massacre: Look back on how the crackdown unfolded [Online] Available at: http://www.abc.net.au/news/2014-06-04/how-the-tiananmen-square-massacre-unfolded/5496454, Accessed 8th August 2017
Nathan, A.J. (2009) The Consequences of Tiananmen [Online] Available at: www.resetdoc.org/story/00000001371, Accessed 1st August 2017
Ping, H., translated by Robertson, M. (2015) How the Tiananmen Massacre Changed China, and the World [Online] Available at: www.chinachange.org/2015/06/02/how-the-Tiananmen-massacre-changed-china-and-the-world/, Accessed 8th August, 2017
Rayman, N. (2016) 6 Things You Should Know About the Tiananmen Square Massacre [Online] Available at: https://time.com/2822290/Tiananmen-square-massacre-facts-time/, Accessed 1st August 2017
*i couldnt seem to find the “wang” source in my reference list however i do vaguely recall it being quoted amongst one of the above sources. if anyone is curious ill see if i can properly sniff it out
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should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'? i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime). & how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)? what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕 (2/2)
Hi, love! I’m going to pop my answers below a read more because I wrote a lot, haha. Unfortunately I did not get 1/2 of this, so please do re-send if you think I’m missing important details.
i also don't want it to seem like i'm lying about it for scholarship $ or sth, which some professionals have accused me of (common for woc, ime).
I am.... genuinely fucking outraged that anybody would dare imply that about you. What the sweet jesus hella fuck? That’s gotta be an example of privilege if I’ve ever seen one, because I’m a lily-white ex-anorexic and I never had anyone say anything remotely that shitty to me. God fucking damn. Thank you for bringing that to my attention so I can spread the word and help people fight against it. God, is there even an anorexia scholarship/ money associated with it? That doesn’t even sound right. Christ.
should i let my university know about my history of anorexia before i relapse for good, or is that 'oversharing'?
You should definitely let your university know. Most universities are now aware enough about mental health to have systems in place to support students, but they can only do that if you tell them you’re struggling.
Does your uni have a disabilities/ special needs department? Often they also work with mental health issues, which people aren’t normally aware of. You could also see if you have a counselling department, or even talk to your head of course or a tutor or a lecturer you trust. I promise you: you won’t be the first, or the last, or the only. If your uni is half-decent, there should be procedures in place.
The big question, I suppose, is what would you like out of the university support? It’s okay if you don’t know. Some things I’ve been offered/ had include deadline extensions, mitigating circumstances (basically a note next to a grade that says ‘was struggling with external issues at this time; please take this into consideration when marking’), time off of university to focus on recovery, counselling with the university counselling service, referrals through the university medical centre to eating disorder clinics, physical monitoring at the university medical centre, 1:1s with tutors/ course heads to check I was doing okay...
)& how do i avoid relapsing when i'm far away from my safety group (not much $ for therapy)?
That’s really tough. I’ll suggest/ mention a few things, and I’m sorry if some are out of reach or inappropriate- hopefully one or two will be able to help.
contact eating disorder support helplines for advice and support
join online support forums or groups- make sure you find one that focuses on recovery and, ideally, is tightly moderated
stay in contact with people from your old life. Phone them, skype them, write to them, meet them if possible.
consider asking a friend to help hold you accountable. This can be tricky, because you don’t want to end up in a codependent situation, but sometimes getting someone to ask ‘did you eat lunch today?’ can help you stay on track
if you’re weighing yourself, please try and get rid of your scales. if you’re calorie counting, please try and stop. do not enable these destructive behaviours. ‘i’ll just weigh myself once a week’ quickly escalates. i’ve met a lot of people who claimed they were counting calories to ‘ensure they ate enough’, but i’ve met very few who truly used it for that purpose.
if you are on MFP or a similar calorie counting site, delete it. even if you aren’t ready to drop calorie counting, drop the website. please.
try and find hobbies or interests that aren’t linked to eating or exercise. taking up writing and fandom helped me find a sense of self i had completely lost in my ED, and gave me something to build back up on. you are a person outside of your ED: what type of person are you? what do you like? what do you want? i really can’t stress this one enough.
make a list of reasons why you want to recover. re-read it regularly.
read accounts from people who have fully recovered. see how happy they are. see how much better life is. use this to motivate you.
throw out any old ‘thin’ clothes. buy larger ones if necessary. if you have a dress hanging around that you know you won’t fit if you gain a few pounds, donate that dress. it isn’t helping you.
develop a routine and stick to it. in the long term, flexibility around food and eating is a vital part of recovery, but in the acute phase routine and regularity is incredibly helpful.
look up sliding scale therapy, free/cheap online therapy and eating disorder support groups in your area. the latter are normally free to attend.
differentiate between a lapse and a relapse. a lapse is a temporary blip that you move past. a relapse is a full-blown retreat/fall back into anorexia, often at least partly intentional. you have the power to not let a lapse become a relapse.
what's the difference between healthy hunger + restrictive eating? thank you so much in advance 💕
Oh boy, that’s a tough one! So different people will have different stance on this, basically. Mine personally is that some degree of hunger might be expected on a weight-loss diet, but on a maintenance plan and especially for someone with a history of restrictive eating, hunger shouldn’t really be... A Thing. You should be hungry before meals and then you should eat the meal and not be hungry any more. If you’re finding that you’re hungry a lot of the time, you aren’t eating enough.
If you’re concerned about overeating, or you struggling to differentiate between physical hunger and food obsession (been there, done that, got the t-shirt)? There are a few tips that can help. My standard was that if I wanted a snack when I knew I’d eaten enough (that is a hard thing to know! this is late-game advice!), I would drink some water, do something else and wait ten or fifteen minutes. If I still wanted it, I was hungry. If I didn’t, I’d just been bored. That’s very relevant to me as a person with ADHD and who had food obsession issues- it might not be as relevant to you.
Think of it this way: if you need to pee, you probably use the toilet, right? If you’re thirsty, you probably drink some water. Treat your hunger like you treat these urges. You’re basically a slightly more complicated Sim.
I hope this helped. Feel free to ask any follow-up questions you might have, either on anon or not. I’m really really proud of you for reaching out for advice- hang in there, my love.
xxxxx
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So Wednesday morning I got a call from the same person who hired me at my current job, who was supposed to train since joining as an Esthetician.
She said that “ I am not spunky enough” and not “ what they are looking for” as far as the position and basically discontinued my candidacy in the training program...
thing is...
i never even got to train.
When I was hired in October, my license was still in limbo and I was put on the front desk to learn that basic position, until my license would be posted. Not to mention, when I was hired, their main desk person was there for two days before dropping to one shift a week. So I filled a hole, but I did not get trained appropraitely. Queue the fucking holiday rush. All November and mid-December I worked on front desk... awaiting my license to be approved so I could end the nightmare. I wanted to be a service provider so bad, and then I went to California for christmas, and came back to the desk again... and my family was asking me when I’d start training, and I asked myself this question. And I noticed I had a personal development meeting scheduled... so I though perhaps that I’d learn more front desk until they could train me. And my license had finally been posted...
I feel so mislead and lied to. Like ... I told an esthetician that I consider an acquaintance and SHE IS MORE QUIET THAN ME ... what the fuck
i feel like there is another “non legal” reason... and honestly ... no matter what anyone says. Estheticians and Cosmos are opposite. Esthes are not meant to be with a personality of a cosmo, and when I WAS IN SCHOOL HALF OF THE COSMOS WERE LIKE “ why are you not a stylist?? you have the personality for one!” what the fuck. Esthes are the “spa” relaxing, mellow lighting, soothing music--- massage type of environment. Not the loud obnoxious pop rock music blaring in the background while people scream out their life story over hair dryers and alumnimum foil. No---
no i think it’s bcause of the fact that I am a fuller figure
that because I am larger, the illusion is that-that i move slower and do less.. that because i am big i seem “ Less” and because of this it takes away opportunities. it’s terrible.
it’s a world of outliers. there is no more middle ground it’s either :
body positivity!! and accepting unhealthy behavior
or it’s
“appear” healthy because of ur size ( which is total bull shit) and ur not a health insurance risk, and u fit the social standard that’s been around in post modern era.
.... like i HATE THIS ... i am trying hard right now.
I am HUNGRY, guys. I’m STARVING right now.
I HAVE eaten, I am on a special diet plan to lose up to 5 a week ( yes dropping 5 a week is not as healthy as 2-3... i already know)
I am following a diet plan that was written in 1984!! and for what? so i dont have to worry about being a fat bride!! so I can make more money!! SO I DONT HAVE TO WORK IN A POSITION WHERE I HAVE TO BEND TO THE WILL OF SOME PRIVLEGED SNOB.
this society sucks. it takes away job opportunities, it takes my happiness( well for 6 months...) and i know this isn’t forever, and this is a special metabolism diet plan, so it’s not crash dieting. i mean it is a LOT less food, but it’s healthy... I mean
i get a limit on calorie intake, and i walk after eating consistent meals. they aren’t filling, but i mean-- my stomach is shrinking and that diet world is all backwards all the time anyway. but it SUCKS. i can’t just march up to the fridge and grab a cheese stick right now ( unless weight watchers which if u do, u just track it) -- anyways I digress... but there is just so much pressure and stress, which to me is a lot of suffering just to “ get it right” in the world.
It’s just very sad to go through this, and make an effort ... yet still get rejected... I mean I was kinda disliking the place anyway?? but i was hoping that my training would turn around my feelings and help me reconcile my view. but it was all a lie.
and they paid me less than a desk person... yep. they paid me what an esthetician would make when not taking commission. I feel like i got sucked into this, so they could put me on desk, pay me less, then tell me i wont be working as an esthetician to keep me on desk
... and ever since I’ve been in a state of shock. “ Well” I thought “ at least I have my other $14.50/hr job that makes me a $100 per 8 hour shift. That’s good!” .... but oh no
an email came from my supervisor last night .
Mandatory company wide call at 9 am in the morning. On a Friday... our pay day... in JANUARY.
----o fuck this can’t be good.
and my suspicions were correct....
they disbanded the beauty concierge program. I got my sister a job with this company and she lives on her own with her bf so i mean... she dependso n this too... so it sucks... i am kinda... wow
After 6 years they decide to disband THIS year. The year I join.
So I am now working very part time as a front desk person earning 10.50 and hour with the looming storm of student loans in student view....
anyways i dont know why i spew all this yhere. im looking for an outlet so perhaps some people, you, my friends-- can see what is up.
Honestly.. as far as career goes...
I don’t really know what I want anymore. I know that I dont wanna waste my life on something meaningless, and I feel like I am endlessly searching for something-- learning about the bad parts, and discarding it... but Iwould like to find something where if I find those bad parts, I’d be okay with embracing it and just rolling with the punches.
So far I have not found it yet.
in all honestly, if i could just be a home maker and not work at all, do art and cosplay and sing in the evenings-- that’d be ideal.
Right now I am learning more about UX/UI to see if I could use my art degree and make more money. But... for the most part I am looking up wax specialists, and office administration type jobs... where the front desk person does all the party planning and grocery shopping for the office. lol .. I know sounds lazy, but whatever Ican admit that--- my laziness can be translated to depression.
I just really wanna lose weight... this strict plan isn’t forever. The book I am using the method from strictly outlines that it is a temporary thing just to get metabolism on track using a series of net carbs, good fats and calorie reduction-- so it’s not like it is unhealthy. It’s not like if I went and got some cheetohs or ate a cookie I’d be fucked like if I was on keto ....
tbh I should be a weightloss plan expert I’ve done it all...
but yeah.
anyways-- thanks for listening to my rant
all in all my life isn’t that bad
i have a home
a car
a wonderful cat
a loving fiance
education
and some money to my name. i’m not totally broke.
I am very grateful and i am not to sore about all of this, it’s just crazy that it’s happening within days of eachother. and it kind sucks cuz this means i may not have a paycheck next couple weeks... or atleast a good one. 10.50 an hour my ASS. but oh well it’s SOMETHING.
ALSO .... I might make a blog for tracking my wedding plans-- if anyone likes that suff and wants to follow... I may post reference to that. otherwise <3 love you all
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