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#im so utterly sad and exhausted
keyslox · 4 months
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c!jack in the year 2024
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YOU decide what you want.
nobody else has the right to tell you what you should want or do in your personal life, now or in the future. 
whatever you choose, it should be because you want it, not out of pressure from others. you choose what you want in your life and what makes you happy.
#fairy ranmaru#uruu seiren#homuruu#asexual#asexuality#my art#sex mention -#emetophobia -#hi im throwing this in the ace tag even though it's not specifically about being ace bc it's written to be aspec-friendly#and bc i made this comic because this is the message i wanted to see many years ago and the ace tag is where i would have looked for it#anyway! long story here! i haven't been able to bring myself to post this here for 6 months bc it was so emotionally painful#when i saw this show i was like oh shit this is going to make me express the things i never wanted to express isn't it!#(through my usual method of imprinting on fictional characters; throwing my heart into the internet void and crying)#this was absolutely emotionally exhausting to make. it took a week and i was working slowly bc i kept getting sad and angry#also for some reason my brain was like 'you should do this at christmas time' so THAT happened#not the first time i did angst at christmas lmao#when i finished this i felt utterly blank and i just wanted to cut myself off from it. disconnect completely. not care at all.#this was followed by crushing loneliness as i was overwhelmed with the need/desire to be heard/validated#(which actually pushed me into accidentally hurting myself lol i had to recover for like a couple of weeks before i could draw again)#validating and empathetic/compassionate comments are VERY welcome!!#as well as any that find this message valuable and/or can relate#however PLEASE no armchair therapy; advice or character analysis type comments. thank you!!#i still can't look at this without feeling sad and angry again over how much pressure there was. i just want that pain to be heard
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pepprs · 7 months
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lol
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shalaandavar · 1 year
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I dont think i can go on anymore
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gojipink · 4 days
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white lie
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ஐ ft. kaeya
ஐ summary. trying to hide an injury from him!
ஐ warnings. none, SFW. 1.3k words
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getting home to you and kaeya’s shared apartment took longer than you had wanted; getting healed by barbra after a couple of adventures found you propped against a tree, half-lucid with a bloody gash across your abdomen had really put a kink in your usual schedule.  
you breathe a sigh of relief when you unlock the front door and find that the apartment is still empty, meaning that kaeya was still in his office and hasn't been alerted of your little accident. 
you have never kept anything from kaeya but this? this was different. lately, he’s been having to take on way too much, his desk overflowing with piles upon piles of paperwork while also leading patrol tours throughout the nation. every night he comes home utterly exhausted, barely having enough energy to finish his dinner and give you a chaste kiss before he retires to bed.
if he catches wind of your injury, he'll be sure to go insane with worry and put himself on the backburner in order to dote on you, which you deem completely unnecessary. barbra’s already given you the all clear, just have to take it easy for the next few days and clean your wounds daily and you should be healed up soon enough. besides, you’re strong enough to take care of yourself, there’s no reason for you to burden kaeya with something as insignificant as a minor injury. 
you tried to act as normal as you could. tried to move around the kitchen preparing dinner for the two of you with as much stability as you could muster. and once kaeya came home, eyes slightly wide and breathing deeply like he was hiding the fact he just ran home, you put on your best smile for him. 
“welcome home, love! you made it just in time for dinner,” you beam at him, settling into your usual seat at the table.
he looks around the apartment for a moment before his clear eye finds its way back to you, analyzing your seemingly unharmed figure. he gives you a tight smile while he makes his way into the kitchen to wash up, “you made dinner?” he asks, tone slightly devoid of his usual pep but you chalk it up to him being tired. 
“mhm, just something quick. hurry, come join me,” you smile at him. 
after a moment, kaeya sits in his chair across from you. watchful eyes observing your figure as you begin to eat, his heart twisting uncomfortably as his mind clouds with turmoil. 
kaeya studies you for a moment more before speaking up, “heard you required a healer today, what’s going on with that?” 
you tense at his question, eyes wide and staring down at your food, mind racing to find a convincing excuse. 
“i, um,” you swallow thickly before looking up to meet his eyes, his expression unreadable, “i was feeling a little sore from these past few days so i thought i could just pop in and see barbra. you know, just get a little once-over is all.” 
kaeya’s uncovered eye flash with something indecipherable. confusion? hurt? anger? though, it wouldn't really make sense for him to feel any of these emotions at all, not unless-
“so, you're going with that story, hm?” he sighs out, letting his spoon clink loudly against the side of the bowl as he sits back in the chair with his arms crossed, studying you with icy eyes. 
“i…well, yes, i-” you try to come up with something quickly before he interrupts with a humorless chuckle, 
“can’t say i’m not hurt by your lie, angel.” he says quietly with a sad smile while looking at you with dejected eyes. 
you stare at him, shocked by his words, “kaeya, im not-”
“jean said that you were covered in blood. barbra told her everything, which she then told me before i left work. said you were, and i quote, ‘barely conscious enough to say what happened’.” he said, his tone of voice flat and empty, “but apparently, and this is the part that puzzles me most, it was specifically requested that this incident was to be kept from me.”
“i can explain,” you rush out, quickly moving to the chair next to him, ignoring the sharp twinge of pain that shoots across your abdomen, too desperate to save him from any misunderstanding he’s conjured in his mind.
“kaeya, i promise,” you reach over to slide your hand into his, your heart breaks at the sound of his shuddering inhale, his thumb roughly rubbing the back of your hands trying to mask the shakiness in his fingers, “i’m alright. i’m here. it sounds so much worse than it really is and the only reason i didnt tell you-”
“that's alright, my love,” he interjects looking up at you with a dim smile, “i get it, i'm glad you’re alright,” he whispers as he pulls his hand out of your grasp to stand up and clear off the dining room table.
your eyes helplessly follow his movements, “wh-get what, kae-”
“you must be tired, hm? had quite the day, princess,” his usual easygoing tone forced back into his voice, “ill clean up, you go wash up first let me know if you want help. i'll call barbra or jean if you prefer it.”
you break from your dumbfounded state as you chase after him in the kitchen. arms wrapping around his torso tightly, refusing to let him pull away as he stands in front of the sink bracing his hands against the counter.
“i know you're mad at me,” you start gently, cheek pressed snuggly against his back, your hands pressed against his chest feeling the heavy beat of his stinging heart, “but i’m so sorry, my love. i never wanted to cause you any kind of distress. you have been so overworked, so stressed out, i just didn't want to pile it on.” 
he harshly exhales through his nose as his hands slowly make their way towards yours, gently prying them loose so that he can turn in your iron hold. once he faces you, his fingers come up to brush over your cheek. 
“im not upset with you,” he whispers, his thumb lightly tracing your cheekbone, “i mean, i'm upset, but i'm not mad at you. could never be mad at you, angel.” 
you frown at his dejected expression and tone while you lean into his touch, “i just didn’t want to burden you with it, kae. it really sounds worse than it actually is, i swear. nothing bad happened, i was fixed up really quick! the cut was so much smaller than what the healers thought, it just looked way worse because i was also splattered with monster blood as well,” you hastily explained all in one breath. 
he worriedly chews on his bottom lip as he absorbs your words,  “what about how you were barely conscious-”
“i was just exhausted after the fight, kae,” you clarify, “admittedly it was a tough fight but i was back up on my feet in no time after seeing the healers.” 
he analyzes you for a moment before leaning forward to press his forehead against yours, “tell me everything,” he whispers, “good, bad, mundane or not. i don't care, just don't shut me out, please. you have no idea what-” he stops himself to exhale a heavy breath, “i didn't know what to think. regardless, it doesn't matter how busy i am, how stressed out i am, i want to know everything that happens with you. you are my number one priority, not some group of recruits i just met yesterday. you understand that, right?” 
you nod your head while still pressed against his, “i know, im sorry,” you whisper. 
kaeya pulls back slightly before cupping your cheeks to drag you into a sweet and comforting kiss. 
after a few more tender kisses, kaeya’s lips lift into his usual playful smile, “c’mon, pretty, you must be sore, hm? think we both need a relaxing bath.”
you beam up at him at his suggestion, your bright smile stunning him for a moment as his heart skips in his chest and his stomach erupts into butterflies. quickly, he turns away to lead you both to the bathroom as your giggles follow closely behind him hinting that you've caught sight of his blushing cheeks.
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argentisbeloved · 2 months
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Hi ☺️ Would you mind writing Gaming X female reader fluffy oneshot? Basically Gaming comes back from work and dancing practice extremely tired and just flops on top of the reader to cuddle....
Exhausted & Clingy Gaming
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pairings: gaming x female reader
cws: none!
tags: established relationship, gaming being clingy and just wanting to cuddle, just some cute fluff!!
notes: i love gaming so much i could cry. im so sad though that he has ascension materials from fontaine?? like bro theres a pyro resigvine in liyue so why do u need fontaine boss materials
word count: 393
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It was late at night, far later than Gaming usually finished the day by.
He had run into some issues with his final delivery for the day, making him go constantly back and forth to fix things until everything was correct and he could finally deliver it.
Usually with mishaps like these, Gaming was able to persevere and stay energetic and positive until the end of the day. But with how big today's mishap was, he was completely and utterly exhausted. He couldn't wait to go home and fall asleep next to you.
But seeing you had to unfortunately wait, as he had dance practise right after work. The mistake in the delivery gave him no time to rest between the time he got off work and before he started his dance practise, giving him no time to rest.
As soon as he finished with dance practise, he raced straight to your shared house despite wanting to take it easy.
He finally arrived home quickly and he quietly entered the house in case you were already asleep. He tip-toed to your bedroom, only to see that you were sitting up in bed with the lamp on and reading a book.
You sensed his presence and looked up from your book, giving him a smile before bookmarking your page and putting the book on the nightstand.
Gaming sighed with relief at your smile, walking over to you and immediately flopping onto the bed and partially on top of you. His head rested on your stomach and his arms wrapped around your hips as he melted into your touch.
You ran your fingers through his hair, and he let out another content sigh.
"Long day?" You asked, massaging his scalp. Gaming let out a satisfied groan.
"Yeah..."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Tomorrow... I'm way too tired right now..."
You chuckled, moving to lay down in bed with him. You turned off the lamp and shifted around to face him. Gaming's grip on you tightened, and he moved closer to you, close enough that there was practically no space between the two of you.
"You're not even gonna get changed?" You questioned.
Gaming didn't respond, and on closer inspection, it turns out he had already fallen asleep. You smiled at his peaceful expression, and you closed your eyes to join him in sleep.
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freak-accident419 · 2 months
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“Hachi Machi!”
Josh Futturman x GN!Reader
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Summary: After coming back to 2017 from ‘69, Josh realizes that his and Tiger and Wolf’s interference made some ripples in his timeline, such as the gun hanging in his parent’s house, the Blapple, Ray disappearing, and ultimately Dr. Kronish working alongside Stu Camilo. He’s relieved to know that you are still his partner in this timeline, but when one thing leads to another, he discovers one small change about you.
Word Count: 2.2k
Content: 18+ smut, MDNI, more plot than porn (not very descriptive), takes place during S01E04 im pretty sure, gender neutral reader, penetration (no genitals specified), slightly ooc josh, reader has a tramp stamp
(A/n: I know that in this same episode Lyle introduces the phrase ‘hachi machi’ to Josh after these events, but fuck it. The pacing’s a bit bad, I’m tired, but I hope you enjoy regardless :) you can interpret what the tramp stamp is of, personally, i would go with the dragonfly, what about you guys?)
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Josh was exhausted.
Utterly exhausted.
From going to 1969 and trying to cock block Dr. Kronish, desperately finding ways to spare the man’s life to seeing his colleagues dismember his biotic co-workers and throw them in possum incinerators, it seemed as if he’s never gotten a break. And to top it all off, Tiger kicked him off the team, making him feel useless and loser-like all over again.
There were several ripples that he and his team had caused: Kronish and Stu were now work partners, the Blapple was created because Josh left his phone in the past, Ray no longer worked at Kronish Labs, and his parents now owned a gun that hung on the wall. And so, the first thing he checked ever since he got back was making sure you two were still together—and you were.
You were still on his phone lock screen, except it was with his Blapple (Black Apple) Phone, you still had your sweet back-and-forth texts, and in his gallery, there were several photos—and maybe even new ones—of you together. A sigh of relief escaped his lips as he saw this.
Being upset from how the entire day went led to Josh eating cereal alone in the kitchen. With everything going on, he barely had any time to see you, and you were even busy with your own personal stuff as well. However, a knock on his door made him perk his head up, raising a befuddled eyebrow, and walking towards the front door, opening it to see…
You.
“Y/n?”
***
It’s been less than five days since he’s seen you, but this was the first time he’s seen you ever since he fucked up the present by fucking up the past. Thankfully, you remained the same as if nothing happened, and most importantly, Josh was still your boyfriend.
“You look like a sad, wet cat, dude,” you say as you lay with him on his bed, stroking his soft, brown hair. After he finished his cereal downstairs, you two went up to his room and found yourself cuddling with each other on his bed. “What’s up?”
He frowned as he went completely limp in your arms, enjoying the warmth and comfort that your body offered. He really needed this. “As I said before, it’s—it’s really hard to explain, Y/n.”
“Okay, right, but you haven’t answered my texts. I’m worried about you, Josh,” you confess, continuing to caress him gently.
Oh shit, Josh thought. He hadn’t have gotten used to the features of the Black Apple—or, well, Blapple—yet, and forgot that he even had it on him at times. And with everything with trying to ensure that Tiger and Wolf won’t kill his boss, he has been very, unfortunately preoccupied to remember to text you back.
“I’ve been really, really busy, babe, I’m sorry I never got the chance to text you back,” he replied shamefully, though feeling too calm in your arms to feel really anything else.
“Hey, don’t apologize for that, okay? Now, tell me what’s been going on with you. You can be real with me. Work? Your game? Family issues?”
“Sort of, um… It’s—It’s really hard to explain.” There was a look of bemusement and mere stress on his face, making you feel really bad for him. There was so much that he’s seen in the past few days (such as his colleagues killing or hurting nearly anyone in their way) that you didn’t deserve to be dragged into.
“You know, what, just… We don’t have to talk about it right now if you’re not ready. Alright? Just know that I’ll be here the entire time, and I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk about it. Okay, Josh?”
He was so damn lucky to have someone as amazing as you.
“Okay,” he says, his deep brown eyes looking at you, with his sweet, endearing smile that you always loved seeing. “Thank you. Thank you so much, Y/n, you really don’t know how much I appreciate it, I love you.”
You grin, placing your hand gently behind his neck to cup it. “Of course, baby. I love you too, okay? No boyfriend of mine is going to radiate sad, wet cat vibes while I’m here,” you giggle, finally pressing your soft lips to his.
The kiss was warm and affectionate, as always, and to Josh, it felt like home. It felt like he never even left to go to 1969 with the characters in his video game. It felt like he never witnessed them chopping up his biotic coworkers. He was just back at home, with you, when everything made sense.
You sensed that the kiss progressed however, with his tongue shoving past your lips to meet with yours. His hands are placed to cup your jaw and the kiss deepened.
“Okay, why do you keep insisting that I’m a sad, wet cat? Like, what does that even mean?” Josh chuckles in the kiss, his lips, however, not separating from yours.
You laugh softly and look deeply into his eyes. “You look like a cat that’s been left and drenched in the rain, like completely soaked, and your sad eyes are like… big sad brown eyes that those cats have, or something. I don’t know how else to explain it, you looked like a sad, wet cat before!”
Josh smiles. He missed this so much. He missed you so much.
“Do I still look like a sad, wet cat?” He raised an eyebrow.
You scoff playfully and smirk. “No, more like a… a pathetically horny cat.”
“Why am I still a cat in this?”
“I don’t know, you…”
“’Cause I think I resonate more with—“
“Oh my god, wait, that’s it! You’re a cat in heat!” You exclaim in realization.
He opened his mouth to reply, but paused. “Well, male cats don’t—“
“Yeah, technically, male cats don’t… You know what, doesn’t fucking matter,” you grin, pressing your lips to his once more.
Josh giggled in the kiss as he rolled on top of you, moving his lips and tongue roughly with yours. “I missed you,” he says, pulling his shirt off, then helping you with yours.
“I missed you too,” you reply breathlessly. You hoped that this moment would distract Josh from whatever he was going through, and hoped that he would tell you soon enough what it was. But time travel would be very difficult to explain.
By now, you two were completely naked against each other, holding one another, making out lustfully. Josh broke from your lips, just to press soft kisses on your neck, letting his hand move up and down your waist in the process. You let out small pleasured sighs, letting him kiss from your collarbone, throat, jawline, to your lips once more.
With his other hand, he briefly stroked his cock, until he finally began to ease into your entrance, the two of you eliciting a soft, pleasured moan, as you felt him to gradually stretch you.
“O-oh, f-fuck, you’re so tight,” he nearly whimpered, slowly moving his entire length inside you.
“Have you ever considered it was because I haven’t seen you in days?” You raise an innocent eyebrow.
He huffs amusedly, but you did have a point. “Eh, that’s fair,” he says, finally moving his hips back just to slam into you again, letting out a broken moan.
He began to slide his length in and out of you, thrusting his hips against yours as the two of you let out soft sounds of pleasure. He buried his head in your neck, leaving short kisses as his hands held onto the side of your hips in a tight grip, his cock stretching and caressing your walls.
He continued to thrust into you at a steady pace, quite frankly, an intricate rhythm that cleared his mind of The Biotic Wars entirely, the tightness around his cock giving the sensations he loved and needed. He felt so good to move in and out of you, let alone completely inside of you, feeling so close to you ever since he felt so far, from all the time travel nonsense he went through. Your breath quickened and volume increased, letting out desperate whines, repeating his name and praises under your breath.
Josh, not wanting to cum just yet, pulled out of you, giving you a soft kiss on your lips, as he planned to take you from behind. You smiled at him as your felt his grip on your hips help you lay on your stomach, getting on your knees with your head laying on the pillow, and then—
“Hachi machi!”
He exclaimed, his jaw dropped with wide eyes.
You turn your head back to look at him with a raised eyebrow. “What?”
There were a few ripples in this timeline that took place due to Josh’s interference with the past, such as the Blapple, the rifle in his kitchen, and Kronish’s partnership with Stu Camilo. He didn’t expect a change from you, as you were still thankfully his partner. Except, there really was a change that occurred from his paradoxical meddling.
You had a tattoo on the small of your back.
You had a tramp stamp.
A genuine, authentic, tramp stamp.
It was in black and blue ink, with exaggerated shading and strokes, littered elegantly on your lower back.
“You have a slutty tramp stamp…” he gasped lightly, his entire focus on your tattoo.
You let out a chuckle. “Josh—“
“Since when did you get a slutty tramp stamp?”
“I told you the story multiple times, Josh, I got it in my sophomore year of college when I wasn’t very right in the head. Josh, seriously, are you okay?” You were confused as much as him now. Why was he making it a big deal, as if it was his first time seeing it? He’s seen it multiple times before, he remembers every detail from your story, so why not now? “Because you’re acting like this is your first time seeing it, ever.”
“I—I just…” Josh was still in mesmerized awe, looking at how the ink was littered across your skin. You had a slutty tramp stamp. You had a slutty tramp stamp. Somehow, when he was messing with the past in 1969, the ripple effect caused Josh’s partner to have a tramp stamp tattoo. “I’ll explain later, just… holy shit, you look so good,” he expressed, running his hands over your tattoo and your ass, until he grabbed your hips, aligned them with him, and shoved his dick back inside of you.
“Holy shit,” he repeated, panting and thrusting deeply as your hands gripped on the bedsheets tightly, softly moaning as you feel immense pleasure, especially from this angle. Josh took off one hand from your hips to hold the back of your hand. He missed you so much. And you definitely missed him.
“God, this is so hot,” he breathed, letting his hand run over your tattoo as he continued to thrust deeply. You would laugh from how weird he was being right now, acting like it was the first time he’s seen it, if you weren’t too distracted by the gratifying feelings of your lover’s penetration.
His fingertips traced the ink on the small of your back, still astonished by this new discovery. His thrusts were sloppy, but well calculated as he focused on not only the pleasure the two of your bodies would experience, but also the sexy tattoo above your ass. Josh began to let out louder, desperate whines, moving both his hands onto your hips tight to gain control, pounding quickly and deeply into you.
“F-fuck, Josh,” you sighed softly, moaning with him as the sounds of his thrusting increased.
“O-oh, god… f-fuck…” Josh whimpers, feeling his hips and thighs weaken.
A few thrusts later, the two of you finally came together, Josh collapsing on your back as he panted, leaving frantic kisses on the back of your neck, still deep inside of you. You felt him hold you from behind, the butterfly kisses you received, and his hand rubbing your hip.
“Why did you act like this was the first time you’ve seen my tramp stamp?” You ask him in a gentle voice, yet still very curious, and maybe even a little concerned.
“I, uh… It’s a lot to explain,” he replied out of guilt; he really didn’t want to drag you into this.
“Josh,” you sigh, “You’ve seen it for years. Your face was completely identical to your face the first time you saw it. Seriously, I could be overthinking this, but you’ve been acting weird recently. What’s going on with you?”
“N-nothing! I just… It’s been days since I’ve seen you, and… I really missed you. You’re, like, the hottest person I know, how could I not be inexplicably aroused by you?” In this moment, Josh decided not to tell you anything about the whole thing with The Biotic Wars. He couldn’t. If you would experience the same things he did, he would ensure that it would never happen.
You chuckle lightly at his compliment. “You being honest, baby?” You ask with a raised eyebrow, turning your head to look at him. “It’s just other personal stuff?”
“Y-yeah. It’s nothing important, I promise,” he pecked your lips in reassurance, attempting to ease your worry for him.
“Okay, good,” you say, feeling him kiss down your back, letting out a soft whine as he slowly pulled out to kiss your further down. He held onto your hip, letting his grip lower to your ass as he kissed along your tramp stamp and looked up at you desperately. He could definitely get used to this.
“Fuck, please tell me you’re up for round two.”
You laugh at him, letting your hand reach his head to tangle his hair in your fingers. “Who would I be if I wasn’t?”
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jkslipppiercing · 3 months
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Left Me With A Broken Heart | jjk drabble
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♡ warnings: depressing tbh
♡ WC: <1k words
index
taglist
-unedited.
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The waiting area weeps of basic white interior design. The lifelessness it weighs the atmosphere holds my thoughts captive. It’s plain.
Void of emotion.
He used to hate waiting areas. Always whined about how boring it gets, to wait for something that gets you so nervous, you’d break into a cold sweat.
He holds my cold clammy hands in his own ones, squeezing them to comfort the both of us. I squeeze back to reciprocate the reassuring gesture, and he kisses me sweetly, smoothing away any concerns I might have had.
Thoughts of him wrap their hands around my throat and squeeze-
“Jeon Y/N?”
The panic intensifies, but it does nothing to dull the ache.
I send a weak smile to the secretary before I take the hallway with flickering lights. Reminds me of life; the walls being life and the flickering lights being my stuttering heartbeats every time I think about him.
His laugh, his eyes, his lips. Everything about him is so damn perfect. Beautiful. Angelic.
He carries me in his arms, jumping as his laugh reverberates around the room. I can’t contain my smile when he sets me down and stares into my eyes with so much happiness, a tear slips down my cheek.
“I love you.” My smile barely lets me speak; I just can’t seem to contain it enough for my cheeks not to hurt.
“never more than my never-ending love for you.”
“liar.” I hit his chest playfully before placing a hand on my belly. “you’re gonna love this baby more than me.”
He picks me up again. “I’m gonna be a dad!” he screams as loud as he can as if he still can’t believe I’m pregnant with his child.
A sad smile breaks through my lips as I reach the end of the hallway.
I open the door, and as soon as I look at the woman in front of me, my heart feels a thousand pounds heavier. She smiles at me, and a meaningful tear slips down my cheek.
He had her eyes.
The same crease that used to show up at the end of his eyes now lines her own tired face.
His smile was loving and sweet- a thing he got from her- except now, her smile mirrors my own sad one.
Defeated, exhausted, and utterly broken.
The doctor stands up from behind her desk, walking to me.
As soon as she’s within arms length, she reaches for my shoulder and pulls me to her embrace.
“My y/n.” she breathes through her tears. She rubs my back as she cries quietly, refusing to let me see her tears. She knows it would break me.
But I break anyway.
He used to call me that.
“my y/n is gonna be one hell of a mother.”
“my y/n will forever be mine to love.”
“the most beautiful woman of my life, the one I can’t wait to grow old with. I love you, my y/n.”
A sob breaks through my façade. My whole resolve breaks, and I clutch her for dear life as I cry into her chest. My heart chips and shatters and falls at my feet. I can’t breathe, but I don’t want to.
My heart is empty without him.
My whole life is void of living.
He was my oxygen.
How will I ever live?
She continues to rub my back as she weeps silent tears.
She’s close to my mother’s age, frail, wise, and growing grey.
Her being his mother was enough a reasoning to call her my own.
He loved her incredibly much. Respected her more than anyone else and always made sure to let her know.
I pull away from her, my eyes red and brimming with salty tears. She places a palm on my cheek and traces my tears away, only which makes her cry harder.
A picture placed on her desk catches my attention over her shoulder, and my whole entire soul breaks for her.
She catches my line of vision and turns around to look at the picture of her son standing in a military uniform.
A lone tear runs down her face as she sidehugs me and we both stare at the framed picture of my late husband and her late son.
“You promised to never break our hearts, son.”
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im trying to explore my writing style 😭
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@lovingkoalaface @httpjeonlicious @t-alyssa2006
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connieluvsr · 5 months
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ONE OF THE GIRLS | part 3
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pairing: (electric) guitarist!jungkook x singer!reader(f)
genre: band au, enemies to lovers, fluff, angst
summary: when your main guitarist gets sick and can't perform at your show, you get help from someone unexpected.
warnings: swearing and some making out, hot jk:)), drinking, mention of drugs, smoking, slight smut, angst, reader is complicated.
word count: 6.9k
a/n: FINALLY after 2 months of not posting. i swear i want too many things to happen in this series but still didn’t know what to write. im so sorry for you waiting that long, please enjoy this chapter!
__________
"Woo! Amazing!" Avery's claps echoed through the room as she leaped onto the plush leather couch, sending vibrations that jolted Zac into a celebratory dance.
The much-anticipated day of the show was drawing near, and we had been tirelessly rehearsing. Despite everyone's praises, I felt there was always room for improvement.
"I'm utterly drained. Let's call it a day," I declared, collapsing onto the couch next to Avery and Zac.
"Are you sure? You practically begged me for extra rehearsal hours," Jungkook teased, concern etched on his face.
"My throat feels like it's on fire, and my head is pounding," I confessed, my voice hoarse and tired.
Avery gently rubbed my back, suggesting, "Take some Strepsils; you'll be fine."
Zac stood up, nodding in agreement. "Should we head out?"
"Yeah, let's go," Avery chimed in, following Zac toward the door. "Bye, guys!"
As they left, we waved our goodbyes, and I closed my eyes, sinking back into the couch. Suddenly, I felt Jungkook's presence beside me.
"Are you okay?" he inquired, his voice laced with concern.
"Yeah, why?" I replied, meeting his gaze with weary eyes that threatened to shut at any moment.
He sighed, clearly sensing something was amiss. "I feel like you're not telling me something."
"Do I have to spill every detail of my life to you?" I snapped, my exhaustion making me unusually irritable.
He looked taken aback, his confusion evident. "No, I didn't mean—" Before he could finish his sentence, he stops. He looks at me with such sad eyes. "Get some sleep. Talk to me when your eyes aren't threatening to close on their own," he retorted, his words sharper than intended. He hesitated for a moment, as if wanting to say something more, but eventually, he stood up and silently closed the door behind him. I let out a heavy sigh and covered my eyes with my palms, hoping to find a moment of peace amidst the chaos.
He knew you’re not being yourself, you kept the distance a lot more these days since what happend with Ander, everyone noticed, including Avery, who wanted to hang out but you politely declined everytime with another made-up excuse. You don’t want to sing — you mean you can’t sing with someone else, It’s not … what you’re used with. You hate new, you want the ordinary, the basic you’ve been doing.
Jungkook’s an amazing singer, you know it and he knows it too, but everytime you step into the practice room, a knot tightened in my stomach, you know how much he wants to help you and you know how much you need him, so you let him, but deep down you think about Ander and how quick he left and you’ve got someone else.
His voice resonated with passion and talent, filling the room with melodies that should have comforted me. Instead, they only intensified my insecurity. I compared every note he sang to the echoes of Ander’s notes, the memory of our duets haunting me like a ghost.
Did Ander try to contact you? Well His messages were filled with empty apologies, excuses that felt like salt on my wounds. I blocked him on all platforms, so he sent pointless emails.
The clock says 04:55, I found myself tossing and turning in bed, unable to shake off the tension from earlier. Unable to bear the suffocating feeling inside, I quietly slipped out of my room, barely seeing anything, I put on one of my hoodies and leave the house in the hushed darkness of the night.
The cool night air brushed against my skin as I walked aimlessly, trying to clear my mind. The city was silent, so, so, silent.
It was cold outside, I was in some Hello Kitty PJ’s and a hoodie that barely makes me warm, but I keep walking until I don’t feel the cold anymore.
The sun will rise in about half an hour now.
You wanna wait for it, making sure you’ll see it clearly, you go to the park that’s some miles away.
Suddenly, a cute dog start following you, you crouch down to him to pet him and he start licking you, gross but cute. “Come!” You smile and lead him to a small bench.
“Brianna?”
You turn your head, pulling the hood of the hoodie off to see better and you can’t belive who’s here. At this fucking hour.
He looked as surprised to see me as I was to see him. "What are you doing here?" he asked, his tone a mixture of concern and annoyance. He approaches me. “I knew I heard your voice. I thought- I thought I was crazy for a sec.” He looks up and down on me like he’s seen a ghost I wonder if I look okay, I didn’t bother to look in the mirror.
"I needed some fresh air," I replied, my voice cold, mirroring the chill in the night, trying not to make eye contact with him.
"Well, you should have stayed at home," he snapped back, his frustration apparent. "You can't just walk around in the middle of the night alone."
"I can do whatever I want," I shot back, my temper flaring, looking up at him. “I don't need you to tell me what to do." My attention goes back to the dog as he bites my finger in a playful way. Jungkook just stares at it looking down on me.
“Brianna, I want to understand-“
In the midst of our vulnerable embrace, a sudden surge of frustration and anger overwhelmed me. You get up, he takes 2 steps back. “You think you can just swoop in and fix everything?" I snapped, pushing Jungkook away. "You don't know what I've been through. You don't understand."
Jungkook's eyes narrowed, his own temper flaring. "Maybe I don't, but that doesn't mean I don't care. I hate seeing you like this, shutting everyone out, including me." He points to himself and talks in an exhausted way.
I scoffed bitterly, a bitter laugh escaping my lips. "And what? You think you can change that? You think your concern will magically solve all my problems?"
He clenched his fists, his jaw set in determination. "No, I don't think it will magically solve everything. But at least you won't have to face it alone. We're friends, aren't we? Friends support each other."
"Friends?" I scoffed again, the word tasting like ash in my mouth. "Friends wouldn't fight all the time. Friends wouldn't constantly push each other's buttons."
Jungkook's expression softened, hurt flickering in his eyes. "Maybe we're more than just friends," he said, his voice surprisingly gentle. "Maybe I care about you more than I'm willing to admit."
His words hung in the air, heavy with the weight of unspoken emotions. I felt a pang of guilt, realizing that my anger had overshadowed his genuine concern. "I don't know what I want," I confessed, my voice breaking. "I'm scared of messing things up, of losing the people I care about. Again.”
Jungkook stepped closer, his hand reaching out to gently cup my cheek. "You don't have to have all the answers right now," he said softly. "Just know that I'm here for you, no matter what. We can figure it out together."
In that moment, the fight within me crumbled, replaced by a flood of emotions. I let out a shaky breath, feeling the weight of my fears lifting, if only a little. Jungkook pulled me into a comforting hug, and for the first time that night, I felt a glimmer of hope.
We stood there, wrapped in each other's arms, the night around us slowly coming to life. In that moment, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I didn't have to face everything alone. Perhaps, with Jungkook by my side, I could find the strength to confront my fears and conquer the challenges ahead.
As we stood there, embracing each other under the moonlit sky, I felt a sense of warmth and security wash over me. It was as if Jungkook's presence had cast away the shadows that had clouded my thoughts. I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart.
"Thank you," I whispered, my voice catching in my throat. "I don't know what I would do without you."
Jungkook pulled back slightly, his hands cupping my face again as he looked into my eyes with sincerity. "You'll never have to find out," he said, his voice soft but resolute. "We're in this together, remember?"
A small smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I nodded, feeling a newfound sense of resolve. "Yeah, together," I echoed, realizing that I wasn't alone in my struggles anymore.
We continued our walk, no longer in silence but with a comfortable ease between us. We talked about our fears, dreams, and everything in between. With each word, the connection between us deepened, and I found solace in sharing my thoughts with someone who truly understood.
As the night turned into dawn, we returned home. The sun was beginning to rise, painting the sky with hues of pink and gold, signaling a new day and a fresh start.
He walked me home but before he could leave I stop him. “What were you doing alone at that hour? you didn’t tell me.”
Jungkook is silent for a moment before he starts “Thinking.”
“About?” You ask couriously.
“You.”
Before you could try to make him explain what the fuck was that he left.
“Rehearsal today at 4 ok?” he shots from the street.
You giggle and give him a thumbs up.
What the hell did just happen.
______
"You know, I think they make a great couple," Avery mused, her voice laced with a sense of certainty. She reached out, deftly taking the blunt from Zac's hand, her fingers brushing against his in a fleeting touch. Zac's gaze followed the movement, his expression a mix of annoyance and intrigue.
"Hm?" Zac responded, his curiosity piqued as he took in the mention of Jungkook and Bri.
Avery settled into his lap, the weight of her presence grounding him in the moment. She exhaled a puff of smoke, blowing it up. "Jungkook and Bri, don’t ya think?" Avery's words hung in the air, mingling with the faint aroma of mari*uana. Zac's eyes flicked towards Bri's image in his mind, then back to Avery. He hesitated, the smoke clouding his thoughts momentarily.
"Um, yeah, sure, but they don’t seem like they like each other or shit," Zac replied, his voice a low murmur as he tried to make sense of the situation. Avery's eyes met his, a playful glint dancing in them as she inched closer. Before she could take another puff, Zac leaned in, capturing her lips in a pressed kiss.
"I think they really like each other," Avery murmured against his lips, her words muffled yet sincere. Her fingers traced a thoughtful path along his jawline, her touch a gentle caress that seemed to ease the tension in his muscles. "I know Bri is afraid, I just know it, but JK? What would he be afraid of?" She furrowed her brows, deep in contemplation.
"Afraid of moving too fast and lose her?" Zac suggested, his voice barely audible, his thoughts unraveling like the tendrils of smoke surrounding them. He shrugged, the uncertainty evident in his gaze.
"God, you're really smart," Avery whispered, her lips brushing against his cheek in a tender peck. With a soft sigh, she slid off his lap, the absence of her warmth leaving a lingering sensation. Rising from the couch, she reached for her phone, her fingers gliding across the screen as she dialed a number.
____
Avery's eyes widened in disbelief, her excitement palpable as I recounted the bizarre events of the previous night, or was it technically today?
"I can't believe it! No way, you did what?" Avery exclaimed, her voice echoing with a mix of shock and exhilaration.
The weight of the situation pressed down on me, making my palms clammy as I buried my face in them. "I don't know, I feel so weird right now," I confessed, my words muffled against my hands. "I have a rehearsal with him in an hour."
Avery's eyes glinted with determination as she seized upon the moment, her excitement bubbling over. "You gotta ask him what was that!" she urged, her words rapid, punctuated by animated gestures. She jumped up and down on the sofa, the energy radiating from her contagious enthusiasm.
"I'm scared," I admitted, my voice barely audible as I grappled with the overwhelming vulnerability that threatened to consume me. "I'm scared to let someone into a place so important in my life again. Music means everything to me. I… I can't. I feel like I'm betraying someone."
Avery's eyes blazed with fiery determination, her frustration palpable as she unleashed her pent-up emotions. "Gosh, you're not betraying Ander! That fucker literally could've made you lose your show!"
I shook my head, my thoughts racing. "I'm… I'm not talking about him," I confessed, my voice quivering. "I just don't know what to do. I don't know if I can do this. I feel like I let him in too much. What if I lose him too? What if, on the day of the show, he'll say he won't come? What if—"
Before I could finish my sentence, Avery's hands shot out, shaking me and pinching me sharply. "Ouch!" I yelped, wincing from the sudden pain.
"You're like a crazy person talking right now," Avery retorted, her frustration palpable. She glared at me, her eyes fierce with determination. In a moment of impulse, I grabbed my phone and dialed Jungkook's number, my fingers trembling as I pressed the call button.
"Hi, it's me," I said, my voice catching in my throat. "Yeah, don't come today... No, don't. Bye."
Avery's jaw dropped, her eyes widening in disbelief. "What the hell was that, why?!" she screamed, her frustration boiling over. She pulled at her hair in exasperation, her voice tinged with desperation. "You're not thinking straight!! The show is in 3 days! Come on! Once this is over, you'll find someone else if you're so scared of falling for him."
"Falling? What do... You think I love him?" I stammered, my words trailing off as I tried to make sense of my own feelings.
"You definitely love each other," Avery stated matter-of-factly, her tone unwavering. "You're both two dumb fuckers. Call him to come to rehearsals, for god's sake, I'm out."
"W-wait, Avery!" I shouted, but she was already gone, her footsteps fading into the distance.
"Fuck, it even started raining!" she screamed from the porch, her words carried away by the wind as she drove away.
I sigh in frustration as I collapse onto the plush couch, my weary eyes scanning the ominous clouds looming outside the window. With a heavy heart, I receive a notification alert on my phone, urging me to stay indoors due to an impending danger and an imminent rainstorm. The familiar sense of dread washes over me, and I can't help but mutter a resigned exclamation under my breath, "God... not again."
I pull the notification bar down, revealing a series of alerts detailing the severity of the situation. Flash flood warnings, gusty winds, and potential power outages are mentioned, intensifying my sense of unease. With a deep breath, I rise from the couch, my footsteps heavy as I move towards the window to get a better view of the darkening sky.
The atmosphere outside grows ominous, the clouds swirling in a chaotic dance, painting the sky with shades of deep gray. The wind starts to howl, rattling the windows as if nature itself is echoing my inner turmoil. I glance around the room, contemplating my options. The dimming light emphasizes the urgency of the situation, urging me to make a decision.
Taking a moment to gather my thoughts, I quickly assess the supplies in my home – candles, emergency rations, and a flashlight. I grab them, creating a makeshift emergency kit, hoping it will be enough to tide me over if the storm takes a turn for the worse. As I secure the windows and doors, I can't shake off the feeling of vulnerability, a reminder of the unpredictable nature of life.
I return to the couch, clutching the emergency kit tightly, and stare out of the window once more. Raindrops splatter against the glass, blurring the world into a surreal painting of water and shadows.
I make myself some hot coco and before the power is out, which will probably be by the night, I turn on the TV to watch Brooklyn 99 and put a nice comfy blanket.
My heart pounds in my chest, the echoes of the thunderstorm still reverberating through the air as I try to calm my racing thoughts. The glow from the TV screen illuminates the room, casting eerie shadows on the walls. Just as I start to regain a semblance of composure, the knocks on the door pierce the silence like a gunshot. I jump, my breath catching in my throat, and I shoot a fearful glance towards the entrance, my mind racing with possibilities.
"Fuck..." I mutter under my breath, hesitating before the door. I entertain the fleeting hope that whoever it is might just go away, but my hopes are dashed when another round of four loud knocks reverberates through the house, each one intensifying my anxiety. The situation feels surreal, the storm outside mirroring the turmoil within me.
My hands tremble as I reach for the doorknob, my heart pounding in my ears. Then, amidst the chaos of the storm, a familiar shout cuts through the air, calling my name. "BRI. IT’S ME… OPEN." The sound of his voice sends a mixture of relief and concern washing over me. Without a second thought, I throw the door open, my eyes widening in surprise at the sight before me.
There stands Jungkook, drenched from head to toe, his clothes clinging to him like a second skin. I try to push away the distracting thoughts about his perfect abs and body, focusing on the immediate concern. "Get in the house; you're shivering," I say urgently, my hand reaching out to pull him inside. His shivering intensifies, and I can't help but worry about his well-being.
"Fuck—let me get—"
"Bri."
"Let me get towels and clothes and—"
"Bri." He stops me, his eyes locking onto mine with a depth of concern that sends a shiver down my spine.
"I—" I start to protest, but his worry silences me. I nod, my determination to help him overpowering any embarrassment. "Let me grab you something. Please. I don't want you to be sick." I manage to tear my gaze away from his intense eyes and hurriedly make my way towards the closet, pretending not to notice his actions as he starts to undress behind me, though my cheeks burn with an undeniable awareness.
As I fumble through my closet, my hands search for something that might fit Jungkook. Finally, I pull out an oversized T-shirt and a pair of sweats that used to be snug on me when I was a bit chubbier. I hold my breath, hoping against hope that they'll fit him. I mutter a silent prayer under my breath, my fingers crossed as I bring the clothes to him.
"Here," I say, my voice a little shaky, trying my best not to meet his gaze directly, feeling the weight of his presence in the room.
"Thanks," he replies, his voice carrying a mix of gratitude and amusement as he accepts the towel and the clothes. After he dries himself, he starts to dress, and a soft laugh escapes his lips. "They're a bit... tight."
"I—yeah, I don't have anything else—" I stammer, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. My eyes dart away, not wanting to acknowledge the situation, even though his laughter is contagious.
"Bri," he says, his tone serious now, his laughter fading away. "I can't believe you told me I shouldn't come... I wanted to speak to you in person.”
His words hang heavily in the air, and I feel my heart skip a beat. I struggle to find the right words, my emotions in turmoil. "Jungkook... look, it's—" I start, my voice cracking with a mix of vulnerability and affection, wanting desperately to express what I feel but not sure how to articulate it.
"It's complicated," I finally manage to say, my voice barely audible over the distant rumble of thunder. I glance up, meeting Jungkook's eyes, searching for understanding. "I've been through so much, and I'm afraid... afraid of getting hurt again."
Jungkook's expression softens, his eyes reflecting empathy and sincerity. He takes a step closer, his hand reaching out to gently cup my cheek, his touch warm and reassuring. "Bri, I understand. I know it won't be easy, but I'm willing to try if you are. We can face the challenges together."
His words hang in the air, a silent promise that sparks a glimmer of hope within me. I find myself leaning into his touch, craving the comfort he offers. The storm outside mirrors the turbulence within my heart, but in this moment, Jungkook's presence provides a sense of calm amidst the chaos. “I thought we talked about this this morning. You were so committed-“
"I... I don't know. But all i know is i don’t want to lose you." I admit, my voice barely above a whisper, my eyes locked onto his. The vulnerability in his gaze resonates with my own fears and insecurities, creating a connection that goes beyond words.
He leans closer, and closer, and closer,
before I know, his lips meet me in a moment of sweet surrender, Jungkook's touch is gentle yet firm as he cups my face, his fingers warm against my skin. I close my eyes, savoring the softness of his lips, the taste of him like a bittersweet melody. His kiss is tender, a silent promise of affection and understanding.
A rush of emotions floods over me—desire, vulnerability, and a profound sense of connection. The air crackles with electricity, the charged atmosphere intensifying the intimacy of the moment. My fingers find their way into his soft hair, tangling in the strands as I pull him closer, deepening the kiss.
Jungkook responds with a soft sigh, his lips parting slightly, inviting me in. Our tongues meet in a slow, sensual dance, exploring each other with a hunger that transcends words. The kiss deepens, becoming a passionate exchange of emotions and desires, a silent conversation that speaks volumes.
I can feel the steady beat of Jungkook's heart against my chest, matching the rhythm of my own pulse. The world outside may be in chaos, but in this moment, there is only us—two souls intertwined in a kiss that feels like coming home. Time seems to stretch, the kiss becoming an eternity, a stolen moment of bliss that leaves us both breathless and wanting more.
When we finally pull away, our breaths mingling in the air.
In the dimness that followed the abrupt power outage, Jungkook's voice cut through the sudden silence, his words trailing off in the darkness. "I'm sorry if-" he began, but the sentence hung in the air, abruptly interrupted by the blackout.
A frustrated groan escaped my lips as I fumbled in the dark, desperately searching for my phone. "Fuck," I muttered, realizing the futility of the attempt.
“Bri, where are you?" Jungkook called out, his voice tense in the darkness.
My hands reached out, seeking his in the pitch-black void. "I'm looking for my phone. It should be here somewhere," I explained, patting the couch in vain.
"Can you give me your phone?" I asked, hoping for a glimmer of light to guide us through the oppressive darkness.
"I forgot it at home," he admitted with a nonchalant shrug, his voice carrying a hint of defensiveness. "I rushed here! It's your fault!" he defended himself.
"How could you just leave without it?" I questioned, genuine disbelief coloring my tone. The realization that we were stranded without any source of light intensified the surreal nature of the situation. A deafening thunderclap reverberated through the house, adding an extra layer of tension to the already charged atmosphere. "Fuck, that was a big one," I remarked, my nerves on edge.
Finally, Jungkook's hands found mine, and he grasped my hand firmly, ensuring we moved in the same direction. The house enveloped us in impenetrable darkness, and my thoughts raced, thinking how we just kissed but we act like nothing happend.
Breaking the uneasy silence, I suggested, "My iPad is in my room. Let's get there to have some light."
"Don't you have flashlights?" Jungkook inquired, his grip on my hand tightening, revealing a touch of vulnerability.
"I took them out about an hour ago, but I have no idea where I put them," I admitted with a sigh, frustration lacing my words.
"Damn, Bri," Jungkook sighed, a subtle chuckle escaping him.
"Hey, you left your phone at home," I retorted, a laugh bubbling up in response to the irony of our predicament.
“Lead the way then,” Jungkook sighed, and we navigated cautiously through the darkness, the air thick with tension. Suddenly, a soft bump resonated through the space, and I winced. “Be careful,” he urged, his hands now assisting me in ascending the stairs.
Reaching the second floor, I extended my arms, feeling for familiar surroundings. The second floor has my room, a guest bathroom, my parent’s room and a guest room. Mine is right next to the stairs.
"Here," I announced, finding my bedroom door. Inside, my fingers fumbled on the nightstand, searching for my iPad. "Damn it, I forgot to charge it. It only has 10%," I exclaimed in frustration. When I looked up, Jungkook's big doe eyes met mine, and I felt a strange warmth despite the chilly darkness.
"I can't believe it," he mumbled, plopping on the bed and reaching for the iPad to illuminate the room.
"I don't really use it," I defended myself.
"Good excuse," he teased, scanning the room with the makeshift light. His attention shifted to a framed photo on my dresser. "That's you?" he asked, pointing to a picture with me and Avery.
I nodded, picking up the photo. "Yeah, next to me is Avery."
He wore an impressed expression. "You sure had a glow-up. How old is this?"
"Like five years ago?" I guessed, placing the photo back on the nightstand.
"And you're..." I realized I hadn't shared my age.
"20," I quickly added, feeling a sudden twinge of self-consciousness.
"Aw, you were just 15," he smiled, studying my face.
"Yeah, and ugly and dumb," I self-deprecated.
"Hey! Don't say that! Now you're just not ugly," he teased, his characteristic smirk on full display.
"What the hell?" I playfully pushed him, and he burst into laughter.
"I'm kidding, I'm kidding," he reassured, still chuckling.
"Sure," I sighed, opening the wardrobe to grab a hoodie. The room seemed to grow colder, prompting me to put it on.
"You cold?" He asked, looking over at me.
"A bit," I admitted, biting my lip.
“Damn.” Jungkook muttered, his gaze lingering on me as I pulled the hoodie over my head. The dim light from the iPad cast subtle shadows on his face, emphasizing the uncertainty in his expression.
I caught the hint of something unspoken in the air, prompting me to break the silence. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” I asked, trying to lighten the mood. I sit next to him now laying down, covering myself in the blanket.
He sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Just thinking about how crazy tonight has been. I mean, I came here on a storm, we went from a blackout to searching for an iPad in the dark.”
I chuckled, the tension easing a bit. “Yeah, it’s been quite the adventure.”
He lays down next to me.
His eyes met mine, a flicker of something more intense passing between us. “And there’s that,” he added, his voice softer now.
“What do you mean?” I inquired, sensing a shift in the atmosphere. Moving myself completely to face him.
“You know,” he started, choosing his words carefully. “The kiss. It happened, and now we’re here in the dark, and it’s like it never did.”
I felt my cheeks warm, the memory of our unexpected kiss replaying in my mind. “Yeah, about that,” I began, unsure where the conversation would lead.
He cut me off with a gentle smile. “I’m not complaining. Just trying to wrap my head around it.”
“Do you wan-“ He cuts me off.
.“I don’t know. Do you want to play 20 Questions or something to pass the time.” He seems very agitated.
“Sure, why not?” I agreed, eager to divert our thoughts. I try to not show how i really feel about just getting over the kiss subject.
“Okay, first question: Where did you grow up?”
His expression shifted momentarily, a flicker of hesitation crossing his features. “Seoul,” he replied vaguely, not offering more details. “You?” He asks curiously.
“Brooklyn.” I sensed his reluctance to delve into the topic, so I changed course. “My parents actually moved to another state a while ago. It’s been strange not having them around.”
Jungkook looked genuinely interested. “Really? Why’d they move?”
“Work,” I explained. “They found better opportunities, and I guess they wanted a change of scenery. It’s just me here now.”
His eyes softened with understanding, and I could tell he wanted to ask more.
Instead, I diverted the conversation to his parents.
“And your folks? What about them?”
I noticed a subtle shift in his demeanor, a guardedness that hadn’t been there before
“They’re around,” he replied vaguely, avoiding eye contact.
I sensed his reluctance and decided not to press further. “Fair enough.
“I’ve been wondering about Ander- If you wanna talk about it. Like how’d you two met and how did you start a freaking band?” He asks, his eyes searching for mine.
“Ander’s been my friend since high school. We both had this crazy obsession with old music, and we bonded over that,” she began, a nostalgic smile playing on her lips. “He initiated that we should make a ‘band,’ and I’d be the lead singer while he’d be the guitarist. He was really talented, playing all day in school, driving teachers crazy. He’s still good, but, you know, people change who they are, not their capabilities.”
Jungkook, his eyes reflecting genuine interest, listened carefully to her story. Brianna, embracing the newfound openness between them, decided to steer the conversation toward Jungkook’s passions.
“Let’s get over that topic,” she chuckled, nudging him playfully. “Tell me, aside from music, what are your other passions or hobbies?”
Jungkook, a plushie of a cat in hand, smiled as he confessed, “Well, I’m into photography.”
“Really?” Brianna’s curiosity sparked, and she straightened on the bed.
“Yeah, I like capturing moments, you know? I’d love to take pictures of you one day,” he said, his smile accompanied by a playful wink.
“If I let you,” she replied, giggling. “Have you ever traveled outside of the US?”
“Yeah, um, I went to almost every country in europe with my family, we stayed like 2 days in each for the summer break when i was in 11th grade. I loved Santorini.”
“Wow. Impressive. So you’re rich rich.” she elbows him. Actually, she was so much impressed than she showed him.
“My parents are, yeah, not me.” He corrects, modesty in his tone.
“Yeah but-“ I got cut off by him again.“You? Have you traveled?”
“Only in some states where i have my aunts or uncles.” I pout and get jealous of how much he’s seen.
“If you could change one decision from your past, what would it be and why?” I ask.
Jungkook paused, then confessed, “I think there’s a part of me that wishes I had pursued music more passionately from the beginning. I held back a bit out of fear.”
I remain silent as I take the cat from
his hand.
“What’s your biggest dream, Brianna?” Jungkook now looks at the cat but his eyes shift to mine, looking for truth.
“To make people feel connected to my music, to make people feel happy, feel sad, party to it, cry to it, to have thousands of people coming to watch me sing for them.”
“Well i’ll tell you a secret, i’m from the future and what you said it’s gonna happen.”
“Come on.” I laugh and punch his arm lightly. “Ok now me again.” I pause and think. “If you could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?”
“Such a “What to ask on a first date” from Wikihow or Buzz Feed kind of stuff question.”
“Fuck off!” they laughed, playful shoves exchanged. “Tell me!” I keep pushing him.
“Ok ok, Elvis Presley. I absolutely adore that man’s music.”
I nod, trying to find someone I’d go to dinner with. “I’d go with Freddy Mercury”
He looks at the ipad that now has
1% “Good choice. Hey, this is about to die.”
“We also don’t have internet connection or signal to see when we’ll get the power back.”
I sigh. Does that mean he’s gonna spend the night? I question myself.
“So lucky of us.” I sigh and look at him
again.
“Yeah.” he shrugs and when the Ipad finally ends it life, we stay in the darkness.
"I'm so bored," Jungkook announces, his voice echoing the monotony of the dark room.
"What's your body count?" I blurt out, surprising even myself with the sudden boldness.
"Damn, straight forward, huh?" he giggles, the dimness concealing the sly grin on his face. "I don't know, I don't count them."
"Approximately. Like you gotta know," I insist, pushing for a hint of revelation.
"I really don't know. You tell me," he challenges, turning the tables on me.
"I'm not telling you," I assert, maintaining a semblance of mystery.
"Why should I then?" he counters, his playful defiance hanging in the air.
"Fair," I sigh, but just as the silence begins to settle, Jungkook decides to unravel a bit of his own mystery. "It's around 15."
Leaning in, I tease, "Oh, I expected much more."
"Do I look like such a fuckboy? Don't answer that," he injects, his tone suddenly serious, only to be met with an eruption of laughter from me. He continues: "Even 15 is much. I wish it was like 2 or 3."
"Yeah, it may not be the best number, but still better than a lot of guys. Mine is 2," I confesses, revealing a surprising layer of vulnerability.
"Boyfriends?" He inquires, sensing there might be more to this story.
"Myeah," I acknowledge with a casual nod.
"I see. Have you ever… had anything with Ander?" Jungkook probes, curious about the dynamics between us.
"Hell no," I asserts "Well, he tried many times, but I friendzoned him until he got over and started liking other girls. He also tried to kiss me but nothing more. If he tried anything else… well, let's just say I'd be singing alone all the time."
"I see," He respond, the room now buzzing with a different energy, laughter and revelations dancing in the dimness. He stays silent a bit before continues in a low voice: “Do you have kinks?”
My hand trembled slightly as I took a sip of water, trying to mask my surprise at Jungkook's unexpected turn in the conversation. His chuckle cut through the awkwardness like a lifeline, and he leaned back, a playful glint in his eyes.
"If you're going to ask me such a personal question, it's only fair I get to ask you one in return," he declared, raising an eyebrow as if challenging me.
"Only if you spill first," I countered, unwilling to let him off the hook.
"I asked first," he retorted, a small smirk playing on his lips.
"I don't care," I shot back, determination in my tone.
"Me neither," he sighed, his gaze holding mine in a playful standoff. The room fell into a sudden, uncomfortable silence, amplifying the sound of tree branches scraping against the house and the howling wind outside. It was still dark.
"When the iPad died, it was around 10 pm," I mumbled, my attempt to bridge the gap with a practical detail.
A wry smile played on Jungkook's lips, his eyes holding a mixture of amusement and curiosity. "And now? Any guesses?"
I shook my head, realizing the absurdity of trying to estimate time in the pitch-black darkness. "No idea. Feels like we've been here forever."
He chuckled, a sound that carried a subtle reassurance. "Time flies, especially when you're in the dark with someone interesting."
A playful smile tugged at the corners of my lips as I navigated the intriguing twists of our conversation. "So you think I'm interesting," I remarked, my smile lingering even though he couldn't see it.
He responded with a sly challenge, delving into a more personal territory. "I might think that if you tell me if you have kinks. I really think everyone does. I was thinking about it some time ago, discovered mine recently."
A mischievous idea crossed my mind. "If you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine."
"I don't want to; I asked first."
"And I don't care you asked first."
"Fuck, Brianna, what do I gotta do to make you say it?" he sighed, frustration evident as he let his head fall onto the pillow.
"Are you really that curious?" I teased, the dim room masking the playful glint in my eyes.
"Fuck yeah, now I am!" he exclaimed.
I pat his arm until I feel his hand, it was big, if you might add, and veiny, full of tattoos, even tho i couldnt see them, i knew they were there.
"You have a... hand kink?" He inquired, a hint of amusement in his voice.
"Well, if that's how you call it, then yes."
I confess.
"What exactly do you like about hands?" He now sounds serious and curious, like he really wants to know.
"They're hot. I just... they're hot," I admitted, and as his gaze met mine, I found myself captivated by the intensity in his eyes.
"Do you think mine are?" he whispered, a vulnerability underlying the question.
"Well, I do," I replied, almost hesitating. His hand found my waist, the warmth of his touch sending a shiver through me.
"What do you like, Jungkook?" I asked, the air between us charged with anticipation.
"Hmm, everything, especially you."
“W-what.” I whisper as he gets on top of me. I feel our bodies lean closer together, the heat between us rising with each breath. I run my fingers through Jungkook's hair, caressing his neck and tracing his shoulders. I draw him closer, his lips just moments away from meeting mine. Our lips finally meet, the passion finally released, our tongues mingling in an intimate dance. His hand squeezes mine, the other hand running down my body to my waist. I draw him closer, our bodies tangled intimately. I feel like I’m kissing him for the first time, even if I’m not.
Breaking the kiss, he looked into my eyes, both of us breathless. "Is this okay?" he asked, seeking affirmation for more than just the kiss.
"It's more than okay," I assured him.
"I really like you, Bri," he confessed, his hand gently caressing my face.
"I like you too," I finally admitted, and before he could say anything else, I pulled him into another deep kiss. Fingers entwined in his soft, fragrant hair, our connection deepening with each passing moment.
Suddenly, when everything was almost too perfect, we hear a loud beep, tv starts playing downstairs, the room now being all bright again, outside you couldn’t hear anything anymore. the storm has stopped. lucky us.
My heart raced as I pushed him away, the sudden intensity leaving an awkward tension in the room. "Now that's cringe," I mumbled, trying to diffuse the situation.
"Really?," he replied, a hint of amusement in his voice. He reached for my face, planting a small, lingering kiss on my swollen lips. Laughter escaped him, and confusion etched my features.
"W-what? Why are you laughing?" I stammered, feeling a surge of insecurity.
"Your cheeks, and nose, and forehead—you're blushing so hard," he chuckled. Before I could protest, he gently pushed me back onto the pillow, peppering my face with soft pecks.
"H-Hey!" I managed to utter between giggles, his kisses playfully tickling every inch of my blushing face. He finally stopped, getting up with a mischievous smile.
"Let's go downstairs," he suggested. I gathered myself, taking off my hoodie, revealing a simple tank top and sweatpants. As I left the room, the familiar sounds of a Brooklyn 99 episode echoed through the house. Retrieving my phone, I noticed a slew of messages and the late hour, now reaching 10 o'clock.
"It's late. I think I'll just leave now. When should I come for rehearsals? Also… I'll bring your clothes tomorrow," Jungkook said.
"No problem, maybe, uhh… like 1 pm?" I suggested, my newfound awkwardness betraying the earlier intensity.
"Right. I'll be there," he agreed. Cupping my face, he planted a final soft kiss on my lips. "Take care."
"You too," I replied, closing the door behind him. The weight of the moment lingered, and I couldn't help but reflect on the unexpected turn of events. Oh my god.
———
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snnbnny · 2 years
Note
Hey there. Sad anon again.
I got into a fight with my boyfriend recently, he keeps saying im needy. Could you cheer me up with some fluff of Bakugo and maybe Kirishima cheering up their she/her s/o after a bad day? Thank you
note 4 anon: oh love, I'm so sorry- of course i'll cheer you up the best I can!! I don't know the situation so I can't offer advice but I can say I doubt you are to needy and he's being a jerk!!
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Katsuki Bakugou and Eijiro Kirishima Cheering up their S/O after they had a bad day!!
Characters: K.Bakugou x Fem! reader x E. Kirishima
C/W: poly! kiribaku x reader, hurt/comfort, prohero Kiri and Baku, pet names (angel, babe, princess, baby), soft baku.
Tagging: @kiribakuswife @todorollz
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『••✎Now loading,,, a little chicken soup for the hurting,,,, ✎••』
It was just one of those fucking days, everything- and you mean everything- was going haywire. It had started as soon as your boyfriend left for hero-work, the door had only just slammed shut with Katsuki's normal aggressive flare when you had violently stubbed your toe on the butcherblock.
The was only the beginning.
One of your newer acrylic nails broke off, one of your normally well behaved pets had peed on the floor, one of your coworkers had cussed you out over text for taking the day off which forced them take over your shift due to being the only one available, you had accidently consumed some soured milk in your cereal which you had decided to be your lunch, your phone charger wasn't working properly, you could go on and on about the relatively small things that caused you to believe the world was against you.
By the time your boyfriends would normally come home you were unraveling on the couch, holding a squishmellow and listening to MCR while waiting expectantly for them to come home- you needed the comfort that their very presence provided for you. In fact it's over an hour past their usual arrival time and there wasn't even a text message saying they were on their way home.
You were stressed out as it is, which caused your mind to go on over time. With the way your day was going, you were worried something utterly terrible had happened. You couldn't bring yourself to actually text them or their colleagues or check the news- instead you sat their for another hour brewing in your own thoughts and already prepared grief.
By the time the rather large apartments front door creaked open, you were so lost within yourself and your music that you didn't even hear it.
...
The two buff heros were beat and worn, covered in dirt and superficial wounds. They trudged threw the door and threw some of their gear and other items around the entry way, uncaring of causing a mess or anything at the moment. The mountainous red head in the rather revealing hero costume nearly toppled over his blonde partner who was covered in more black soot then he was.
"Angel, we're home!" Eijirou called out softly, not wishing to wake you up if you had called it an early night. The thing about hero work is that even though they only work like 4 days a week but those shifts are long and grueling so even if they arrived home on time they normally would, it would still be 10 at night. So it was now midnight, and you (they had thought) had been at work all day so it would only be natural for you to be sleepy enough to go to bed by now.
They both looked at each other when the call got no response, they shrugged it off as reasons stated above, Bakugou couldn't help but vocalize his complaint, "I was looking forward to seeing their little fuckin' face." His speech was slightly slurred with exhaustion. The tanned red riot nodded in agreement as he kicked off his boots and began going further into his home with the aim of checking on his girlfriend- something felt off inside of the man, he was worried about her despite not having a particular reason for it. Katsuki was close behind him, sharing that unnerving feeling in his bones.
They didn't get that far in before they heard it, heard you body shaking sobs echoing threw the halls originating from the living room. They all but ran to the room, fear spiking surging their body with enough adrenaline to get them back to full operational capacity dulling the ache in their muscles.
They couldn't see you over the back of the couch, so they didn't stop behind it- instead Bakugo sped past his boyfriend and jumped over the couch like it was a hurdle. The blonde landed in front of you, it was finally enough to jostle you back to reality, looking up to be met by piercing crimson eyes full of concern.
You scrambled into his arms and cried louder, babbling out their names in the process. Your movements dislodged your earbuds and sent the purple squishmellow flying along the L shaped couch. Katsuki was a little stunned but was quick to wrap his thick arms around you and hold you so tight that if your bones could scream they would.
Eijiro towered over the plush piece of furniture and watched the ordeal, unsure of anything except for his love for the two sat a top the cushions. Instead of jumping over the back, he made his way around the arm and gently sat behind you. He took the opportunity to gently rub your back.
"Princess, what's wrong?" Kirishima coo'd, placing a gentle kiss on your shoulder and hugging you from behind while sharing a look with his other partner whose neck you hid in.
"We're sorry we are so late babe," Bakogu soothed. "There was a small villain attack down town, but everyone is ok-" he felt your grip grow tighter with one arm while your other hand gripped one of the faux red heads. When you finally pulled out of the crook of your blonde lovers neck he pushed his rather greasy forehead against yours, gazing into your eyes in search of any hint of what happened to upset you so badly.
"I-I was so scared," you sobbed, your death grip on the two tightening some how. "Today's been so terrible, I was scared that my bad luck was an omen- When you guys didn't come home-"
You were going to hyperventilating, Kiri noticed that right away and pulled you back into his chest, Katsuki let you fall back into the red headed lover and draped your legs on top of his. Baku rubbed soothing patterns into your thighs over the fabric of your leggings. Kirishima was an unreasonably strong man, which translated physically to having a strong broad chest with the hint of plushness due to his quirk and age.
"Princess, I need you to breathe for me. Can you do that?" You nodded frantically at the tanned man behind you's instructions. Your gasps and exhales audible enough to soothe the men as they listened to you calm. "That's it, angel. We got you, everything is ok now. Alright? We're all ok."
Katsuki kept your eyes on him using his own, they weren't as piercing as normal but instead they were warm and buttery- full of love. It took a moment for you to pull away from that gaze to look at you other partner who, turns out, held the same expression as the blonde. You freed your hand for Eiji's to touch his face, dragging across his jaw feeling the 5'o clock shadow and a couple familiar scars coupled with a newer cut. You learned up and kissed the fresh wound gently. He contorted his head in order to peck a couple kisses on the corner of your mouth as soft as the gentle giant could which made you giggle.
"There's my baby," Kirishima whispered lovingly before kissing your lips slowly, with a warm and tender passion as if he pulled away he would burst into flames but if he was to intense or rough that you would shattered like a vase against a wall. You felt Bakugou get up while you preoccupied, shuffling came from somewhere before he returned.
"Shitty hair, let'er breathe," Kat chastised, tsk'ing as he pulled up but not out of the cherry haired man's arms. "Look at me baby... That's it, no more of this bad day shit, ok? We aren't going to let anything else bad happen."
You nodded, the blonde held a box of tissues one of which he used to dry your face. He had put your legs around him in order to sit as close as possible, his long appendages were around Kirishima's larger sturdy base. Said man used your head as a rest for his as he watched Bakugou kiss you with much more spontaneity then he had applied, teeth clashed as his tongue danced with yours. The blonde pulled back to softly kiss your shared boyfriend.
"Tell us about this bad day of yours," the blonde all but whispered, falling so his side was supported by the backrest of the couch.
"It's dumb, really. You guy probably-" You began before the Pomeranian like man growled only to be cut off by the mountain behind you.
"Baby, don't fight us. We wanna know," he coo'd, using a strong hand to pinch the flesh belonging to your hip.
"Fine, jeez, y'all don' t have to be my rocks all the time." You joked.
"Have you even looked at the cute idiot behind you for one fucking second? He is literally our rock," Katsuki snickered. You couldn't see it, but you knew Kiri's face matched his hair.
The three of you spent the night entangled with each other and venting. Your boyfriends coddled you more then usual, getting you anything and everything that you even mentioned you wished for. They made sure you knew that they were going to make everything better for you, they love you so much how could they not. You had the whole next day waiting for you, and they planned a day of pampering for you- one of which you weren't quite ready for.
But you slept in their arms filled with only ignorance and the chicken soup Bakugou made for you, "chicken soup for the hurting." He had said it was something his mother used to say.
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Courtesan au
Hehehe so the trineshipping slowly begins. But Sywarp’s seriously gonna have his work cut out for him if he’s trynna make Thundercracker and Starscream happier people
I’ve said it before and I’ll say again but I’m actually in love with this idea
Im in love with this idea too 🥰 I'm so glad you like it!!
So! As for how Skywarp brings back their light! He watches them closely and tries to understand their mannerisms.
He probably sees a lot of himself in them, ironically: they're not happy in their positions despite having everything. Starscream likes being royalty and all the power and pampering that comes with it, but. He can't pursue the one thing he's actually passionate about. Thundercracker has never made a single decision for himself and is utterly depressed and apathetic to most things because of it. They're perfect in public: polite, sophisticated, graceful, well spoken. But their optics are dead and hopeless and have no real light in them. The second they get back to a random suite or parlor in the palace after a party, they both heave an identical sigh and collapse into plush arm chairs or the chaise or whatever. They don't seem to want to be perfect in front of him, which is. Weird
The two of them not keeping up the act with each other, he understands. They've been engaged since they were practically in diapers, and have known each other even longer. They're partners in misery together, they don't care if the other sees their flaws, because it doesn't matter. No one else is around anyway. Except Skywarp. They're comfortable enough with him to drop the act, and it's... unsettling. They seem so sad. So lifeless. He's had depressed clients come to him before, desperate for a meaningful conversation and affection, but they never ask that of him. He doesn't understand them at all
In public they're perfectly respectable nobles, poised, cordial, and polite. Starscream is an introvert that's great at pretending he's an extrovert, so he makes perfect conversation and people hang onto his every word. Thundercracker on the other hand is an introvert that's terrible at being anything else, and anyone attempting to speak to him gets short, curt, noticeably safe answers. It's no wonder people whisper behind his back that he's cold and arrogant.
He has no idea what to do to make them happy, and in fact only has a breakthrough after a particularly exhausting garden party held by one of the other noble houses. The party had lasted through brunch and into the early afternoon, but there's still several megacycles before Thundercracker is meant to return home. As the prince's fiance he's expected to spend the majority of his time at Starscream's side, so every morning he's fetched by a royal transport and every night is returned to his aerie. They're in Starscream's library, and while the heir to the throne is laser focused on a physics textbook, Thundercracker has made himself comfortable in a chair by the window and is reading his latest book. It's the final one in a series he's loved for years, and finally he gets to know how it ends. Skywarp wanders back and forth between them, pacing really, mind wandering but optics keeping a vigil for anything out of the ordinary.
Then, it happens. Thundercracker sighs, but not his normal melancholy sigh. No, this one is more forceful, pushed through all of his vents with a sharp hiss. He turns off his datapad with a decisive jab, and sets it onto the side table. His fingers curl in his lap, and he's frowning so deeply you'd think he'd just been insulted. Skywarp teleports to his side and immediately asks what's wrong.
Thundercracker sighs once more, rolling his optics. "What," he spits in the most venomous tone Skywarp has ever heard him use. "Was that?!"
"Uh-"
"Airstrike and Cannonfire conjunxed?! Why?! They've been trying to kill each other for the last 8 books! She killed his carrier! The prophecy said Termaria would be razed after their final battle and now they're a couple?! WHY?! It doesn't make any sense! They hate each other! He burned her country, and she assassinated his entire family! Including poor little Clifface, he was only 8 vorns! They- are you hearing this, Skywarp?! They had to work together to put the Titans back to sleep, which fine, they are the best ones for the task, but that was more than halfway through the final book and that suddenly makes everything alright?! Not just alright, suddenly they're in love?! Listen to this nonsense!" He snatches up his datapad again and flicks back a few pages, beginning to read aloud, "'She truly can't believe it, even still, that this mech is to be her mate in just a few short cycles. Hatred still burns in her spark but now, somehow, it's easy to turn it onto passion and love. She'd been mistaken of his true colors, and was willing to pardon his sins if he would only pardon hers.' What is THAT?! This is atrocious! This is disgusting! I waited 10 vorns for this book and this is the ending they give me?!"
Thundercracker's huffing and gasping for air by the time he's done ranting, having worked himself up into quite a fit and actually throwing the datapad down onto the table.
"...I apologize," he takes a deep, slow intake and Skywarp can see all the passion and warmth draining out of him once more. A practiced thing, he suddenly realizes. "I'm... f-frustrated. This ending is awful," he's starting to look sick, and suddenly Sky sees tears beginning to bead in his optics. His EM field reeks of barely-concealed, incredibly heavy disappointment. "I- I didn't mean to raise my voice, but... I've waited such a long time for this, and..."
"And it's not what you dreamed it would be?"
"Yes! Exactly!"
Skywarp let's him continue venting. Its clear this series has meant a lot to him over the vorns. He has first edition copies of every file, and has read the first three so many times he can practically recite them from memory. From what he's gathered, the story isn't even a romance. It's a vast saga about a fantasy world at war, and the two bitter rival leaders of each side had suddenly and inexplicably found themselves in love at the very end of the final book.
After he's said everything he can and is sadly searching for another story to read, Skywarp suggests, "You know... you could always rewrite it."
Thundercracker is entirely taken aback. Rewrite the ending? Skywarp says that yeah, why not? If he hates it that much, maybe he should rewrite it the way he thought it should go. Make up his own ending. Ignore the author's weird intentions and fabricate his own. TC has honestly never considered that before, never thought that he could. He tries to decline, saying he doesn't have the skills to be a writer, but Skywarp is persistent. Just try. It'll be therapeutic, if nothing else, and its not like he'll ever have to let anyone read it.
Suffice to say 🤭 Thundercracker tries it out and it unlocks a love he never knew he had. He's never tried creative writing before, but after sampling it at Skywarp's behest, he discovers that he loves storytelling. Within a week he returns to the palace with a personal datapad in hand, giving it to Skywarp to read. His revised version of that terrible ending, and he wants Sky to read it! It wouldn't exist without him, after all, and he had such a great time making it! There's light in his optics, sudden and bright: he looks like a person at last, not a perfectly structured drone. He goes on and on about the piece he wrote and how he's so excited to do more! There's not really any other endings he wants to fix, but there's plenty of characters he enjoys that could have more adventures!
Thundercracker looks great with a smile om his face, a real smile, and Skywarp is sure to tell him. For the first time, ever, Skywarp sees him genuinely accept a compliment, before placing the datapad in his servos and going to greet his fiance. He's given Thundercracker something to look forward to, something to make his days bright and worthwhile, something that truly makes his spark happy, and he couldn't be prouder.
One down, one to go. Next, he's gotta figure out how he can bring meaning and joy to Starscream's life
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letsdiscoverkitty · 10 months
Text
Saturday 1st July 2023
Hello (if there is anyone there)
It's been a long time since I last logged onto my account and I can only apologise for not replying to any of the messages and for disappearing again, I promise it was nothing 'personal'.
Im not sure how I feel about this space, however over the past few weeks there has been a little part of me thinking about coming back to my blog...Im not entirely sure why but I think part of me has been craving a bit of "community" and connection (if that's the right way to put it) as well as needing to keep myself accountable.
As a mini update: I've not long since finished a v intense online day patient programme that I was able to access for around 18weeks - it was A LOT - a lot a lot. And it has taken me a few weeks to simply being to "catch-up" with myself both mentally and physically as I was utterly exhausted from the schedule. I've been slowly beginning to process some of what came up in therapy/group/spaces but I've been finding it hard to allow myself space for that connection/to accept my reality and the need for change. Things aren't brilliant but they aren't 'terrible/rock bottom' - they just sort of "are" (which brings up so much in itself). Im feeling somewhat (very) frustrated with this endless stuckness and tired and....numb. Don't get me wrong, the input/support/therapy I had was amazing and helped me begin to untangle a lot of threads and was like nothing I have ever accessed before but I'm still very trapped in illness (which makes me really sad to type).
This isn't me saying I'll be back to posting or being online but to say that I am considering it. Posting this and admitting these things feels very alien/wrong but I think that is the anorexia trying to keep me distant from myself/remain in denial. Who knows if this will turn into anything but I wanted to make a post none the less to see how it feels but also to see if there might be anyone left out there...if there is, hello, and thank you for sticking with me.
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palajae · 2 years
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tomorrow, again | two.
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PAIRING ▸ school president! jungwon x reader x outcast! niki 
GENRE ▸ high school! au, love triangle!, romance, fluff, angst, humor
WORD COUNT ▸ 4k
SUMMARY ▸ if you were told that two complete polar opposite guys from your school were eventually going to be fighting over you, you would have laughed it off. that is, until it really happens- but certainly not under the conditions you expect.
AKA jungwon is the peak definition of your school’s itboy and niki is just… there (if and when he actually shows up to school). 
NOTES ▸ events/memories in the past are italicized. mentions of death + related jokes, cheating?
masterlist. | previous. | next.
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2 — DAY ONE.
“ah, give it back,” you whine for the controller with grabby hands. you hear his excited giggle, swerving away from you against your wishes. 
“no way!” he grins cutely while clicking to continue on the next round. 
another voice buts in, “come on, let y/n play another round. you’re too good at this game anyways-“
you wake up sweating, the dream? memory? fresh on your mind. you close your eyes in hopes of making it go away and it works when you being to fall asleep again, having gotten an adequate amount of sleep but still exhausted from everything that’s happened at school. 
only for your alarm to go off and you groan.
you thought fridays were supposed to be the best day of the week- not a day filled with more people staring at you in the halls first thing in the morning. you stare at them back, utterly confused as to what happened this time. 
that is, until ryujin basically stomps over when she spots you. 
“you went out with niki yesterday?!” 
you almost collapse on spot. “wha-“
she crosses her arms with a (scary) interrogating stance. “apparently someone saw you at a cafe with him yesterday so everyone’s freaking out now thinking you’re two timing jungwon.” 
you slap a palm over your forehead, almost brought to tears. who, what, when, where, and why? that’s all you wish to know. 
“first off, im not dating that guy. and second, yeah i was with him- because we were working on a chem project!” you practically whimper. 
her hands fall to the side as she cocks her head, “really? that‘s it?” 
you nod aggressively, feeling numb as you trudge through the halls to find your locker.  but the gossip doesn’t escape you- sometimes you hate how drama hungry everyone at school is. 
“how could they cheat on the sweet, smart, and handsome president jungwon with that loner niki who skips school almost everyday?”
“they’re crazy, seriously.” 
and that was just the mild version of things you heard. for once you’re just grateful niki chose not to show up today and can only pray that he will on the day you have to present for your project. judging by his “i don’t give a crap” persona he’s been carrying for a while, you know these baseless rumors without any factual basis won’t affect him. 
and you? 
you gave up the moment jungwon winked at you. how sad, the year was going so good so far- until that one moment messed up everything. 
you continue on with your day as normal, denying all rumors no matter who comes up to you or what you hear. but still, you begin to dread waking up tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. 
everyday is just waiting for another tomorrow, again. 
but you’re able to confirm that niki knows about it all when you spot him in the halls making his way to chemistry, passing by whispering people who really aren’t trying their hardest to be inconspicuous. you just barely manage to see the slight smirk on his face under the hood and the tiny shake of his shoulders. 
somehow, you know jungwon knows about it too. specifically when he contacts you to meet him on the school rooftop. consequently, you demanded to know how he got your number and he simply replied with president privileges. 
you’re not sure what the relationship between jungwon and niki is like now, but when jungwon gives you a hard stare and asks why you’re hanging out with ‘him’ you think you get it. 
but before that, you let out a huff of exasperation. 
“first of all, it’s none of your business. i’m tired of people making up random stories and spreading false information. and secondly, you’re not making it any better by being up here with me, alone. so goodbye jungwon.” 
you haven’t said his name in so long, it rolls off your tongue foreignly- and leaves you with questionable feelings.  
jungwon’s left there to wonder.  
you could care less about what occurs after that, but you in fact, have come up with a theory. it didn’t help how you could feel the tension in the air when they passed each other in the halls, even without a single glance at the other- including the fact that over the next week, jungwon would approach you literally all day to talk or simply walk next you as you glare at him. 
and niki casually walking into class choosing to sit his butt down in the seat next to yours without a word. to which when other people asked you about it, you blamed it on project stuff, but in reality you were freaking out too. 
or when you two present successfully and he says things like “it’s all because of y/n,” and “i couldn’t have done it without them.” 
-like who says that kind of stuff? 
a boyfriend, that’s who. 
and niki was far from being yours. 
oh no, definitely not when he steals your pencils or draws on your notes without a single word, only a teasing glint in his eyes. 
not to forget the one time you reached over to fight back and he immediately dropped his playful act, stopping you with a lethal, “don’t touch me.” 
it’s sad how you almost flinched at that. 
“it’s like a battle,” chaeryeong murmurs while eying the two guys at opposite sides of the cafeteria (jungwon sitting with his friend happily chatting and niki seemingly sleeping with his head down at an empty table). 
“-a battle as to who can get y/n first.” 
you let out a hideous laugh at that, covering your mouth with a hand and pretending to wipe fake tears from your eyes. “you’re so funny, chaer.”
no but seriously,” wonyoung pipes up, “what did you do y/n? suddenly the two most complete opposite boys of our school are throwing themselves at you…”
“i wouldn’t exactly call it throwing themselves at me,” you grumble while picking at your nails in distress. you throw up your hands helplessly, “i swear on my life i didn’t mean do anything- or want to do anything for goodness sake’s. you don’t know the amount of death threats i get in my locker everyday for-” you make air quotations, “-stealing their wonie.” 
it’s sickening, truly. 
but going back to your theory, it doesn’t take long for your smart brain to realize what’s going on, or at least you think you know. those two are having an indirect fight, by using you- out of all the people in the school, the whole freaking world.  
they turn up the “flirting” with you in front of each other because they think it’s a freaking competition- not because they actually like you.
or so that’s your hypothesis you came up with out of the blue. 
to anyone else at school, it just seems like two boys fighting over one person. but only you know it’s more than that. 
it’s much deeper than that. 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
you really thought it was just a school thing. your home was your place of sanctuary to get away from those two nightmares- one like the sun constantly shining in your eyes and the other like the shadows trying to envelop you into nothingness. 
so you didn’t expect to meet jungwon on one of your late night walks around the neighborhood. then again, you must’ve forgotten that he lived like a street or two down from yours. just great. 
your eyes widen once you realize who it is underneath the streetlights. he seems equally surprised in a comfortable hoodie and jeans. you hate how he looks that good while you were in your pajamas, too lazy to change out of them. 
“what are you doing here?” you stare at him accusingly and he shrugs, hands in his pockets, “i could ask you the same.”
how strange after all so long it’s the first time you’ve encountered him like this.  
you scowl, “whatever, i’m leaving.”
jungwon’s eyes widen as his hand shoots out in desperation to grab yours. you hiss when he effectively stops you. 
“wait! i know you just got out here and now you’re going to go back?” 
“and so you’re being a stalker and watching me?” you counter back.  
he sighs, “i know where you live, y/n. you did not get far from your house, like at all.” you fall silent at his words, he had you at that. 
debating internally, you give up and continue walking, tensing when you realize jungwon follows your pace and walks alongside you. 
“what-“
“sometimes it’s dangerous at night,” he pretends to muse while looking off into the distance but you scoff.
“i can protect myself.” 
“i know,” he whispers softly and yet you still hear it, growing warmer at his words. 
the walk continues on in silence, and you find yourself at peace strangely, even with jungwon next to you. 
you stop when you reach your neighborhood playground- the one that you know has been there for more than fifteen years and realize it hasn’t changed at all. 
“remember when we-“ jungwon suddenly stops himself, looking almost ashamed of himself, and you turn away. there’s a brief pause before you respond quietly.
“yeah, i do.” 
there isn’t much else to say, so you walk back home together with not much, but still matching tiny smiles. 
“wait! jungwon, please go first,” you beg him with wide eyes. your tiny hands grip the metal bars, unable to move from your spot so high up. he laughs at you, shaking his head fondly. 
“alright, since you’re such a scaredy cat. i’ll go down first and make sure it’s safe.” 
you nod intently and watch with apprehension as he goes down the slide with ease, hopping to the ground with a proud smile. he turns to you, with bright eyes. but when he sees the worried look on your face, he puffs his chest and holds out his small arms at the bottom as if to catch you. 
you take a deep breath, gripping the sides of the plastic slide until your fingers turn white. you glance at jungwon again and he beckons you down with an encouraging smile.
“your turn! but don’t worry, y/n. i’ll protect you.” 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
for some reason the next day at school, you don’t glare at jungwon the moment he approaches you. you do stare at him wearily  though. 
“what do you want now, yang?”
he seems surprised at the usage of his last name, but he shrugs it off coolly. 
“i want to know if you’re free next thursday?” 
if any normal person asked you, you would have been caught off guard, but because it was jungwon, probably the worse tease in the world, you sigh instead. 
“nice try, but i know you have your student council meeting and book club, so you won’t even get home until dinner time and by then it’s no point going out with me so late since we have school the next day,” you rant on listlessly. 
if anything, jungwon’s the one who seems flustered at your accurate knowledge of his schedule, but you don’t seem to notice anything. days continue on like that, and you wonder why at school he acts the same as he usually did around you. but that one night…. he almost seemed like-
like the old him. 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
your mother gives you a grocery list and you comply, eager to get out of the house on a gloomy day. but perhaps you should have been more observant because one, it started to pour soon after you entered the store without realizing it and two, you knock into someone while looking for the pepper in the spices aisle. 
“i’m so sorry-“ 
you stop at the sight of niki. 
“you?” you gasp and he just blinks. 
“what are you doing here?” 
okay, so that was a stupid question. niki raises his eyebrows, “shopping at a grocery store like a normal person? but i guess you’re not a normal person, so…”
you forgot he was like this. whatever, you think bitterly before moving past him. 
“okay, wait, wait!” 
you freeze when you realize this is the loudest he’s ever spoken with you recently. you turn around with crossed arms and he shuffles awkwardly in his spot.
“i’m sorry. that was uncalled for.” 
you can’t hide your shock, nor do you really want to. 
niki? the “don’t touch me” guy apologizing? 
he seems uncomfortable under your gaze so he continues down the aisle. you break out of your daze a few seconds later, only then realizing that he’s gone, 
just to meet up with him again a few aisles down. 
you clear your throat awkwardly as he approaches you, expecting him to do something. but instead, as you reach out for a certain ice cream, niki grabs it right before you can. 
“hey!” you glare at him in protest, “that was mine?” he shrugs nonchalantly, “first come, first serve.” 
“idiot, i was here before you,” you retort. 
“and yet i was still faster,” he smirks and you feel your blood pressure rising. you let out a small humph! and move onto the next aisle as niki watches with amusement. 
you’re able to finish smoothly while waiting at the cashier, finally noting the storm outside and your absolute absence of the one thing you needed the most- an umbrella. 
when you sense motion behind you, you start slightly. but spotting those same teasing eyes make you relax. why, of all days, was there only one cashier open today? 
niki waits patiently in line behind you as you finish up paying and grab all your bags. 
well, you suppose you’re getting soaked this fine evening. 
before you leave, you send one last glance back at niki who quietly gets all his stuff paid for. 
the automatic sliding doors open and yet you can’t seem to move your feet outside. 
“what are you waiting for?” niki suddenly asks and you grimace. 
he takes out a black umbrella and you  must’ve stared at it so longingly to the point where niki sends you a weird look. 
“why do you look like that?” 
you inhale, “hm?” 
he examines you carefully and your apparent lack of an umbrella. he holds up his own as if taunting you, “do you not have one?” 
you shake your head, “i completely forgot. it’s alright, i just gotta make a run for it.”
but you still don’t move, staring up at the dark clouds. 
niki shakes his head, muttering to himself before the black object is thrust into your field of vision. 
you look up at him, surprised.  
he doesn’t say anything and avoids eye contact as you process the situation. quickly, you shake your head- “no way, i don’t-“
“just take it.”
“no.”
“i’ll be fine. rain doesn’t bother me.”
“then i could say the same.” 
niki sighs, muttering along the lines of ‘as stubborn as ever,’ or something like that but you won’t budge. “then there’s only one solution,” you finally state and he looks at you questioningly while the rain continues its downpour. 
you let out a breath before saying, “we go together.” 
again, you didn’t expect him to agree, you even braced yourself for an obvious rejection. but here he was, walking you home underneath the shared umbrella. 
it’s silent at first, so you take the opportunity to speak up, “thanks for going with me… i guess.” 
niki nods silently. 
you soon grow accustomed to the peaceful sound of rain falling on the umbrella. without any conversation, you look at niki and your breath hitches at the proximity between you two. you didn’t realize how close you were, shoulders grazing, in order to not get soaked.   
unable to handle the silence any longer, you can help but ask curiously, “do you only have black umbrellas?”
“no,” he snorts. 
“do you still have that yellow one?” 
it comes out past your lips without thinking. when niki looks at you with wide eyes, you slap a hand over your mouth. but it doesn’t take long for him to regain composure, his deep voice filling your ears, “no. it stopped working and my parents threw it away.” 
“because you used it too much?” you ask, amused, and he nods with a growing grin.  
it’s strange, how niki drops you off with a small wave and you wave back. a soft smile grows on your face as you watch him leave, a promise that next time you’ll get the ice cream first. 
“why’d you choose yellow?” it was your first time seeing such a bright yellow umbrella held out by such a proud looking boy. you look at your own blue one, having gone with whatever your mother gave you. you glance at him with curiosity brimming in your childlike eyes. 
“is it your favorite color?”
“no, but see? there are suns on the edge of it.” he points up and you open your mouth in awe. 
“that’s pretty cool.” 
he grins, “i know. next time it rains i’ll share it with you!” 
you produce an grin similar to his, “okay, if you remember to bring it.”
“of course i will,” he replies stubbornly, “how could i ever forget whenever it rains? it’s my favorite kind of day.” 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
why are you not even close to surprised that at school, niki is back to his old ways. it was just like jungwon, the two of them were going to be the death of you. you wonder when the last time they spoke to each other was- although, quite obviously, it seemed the last time wasn’t recent at all. as far as you can tell, they stood on opposite sides of the room- if they were even found in the same room (a rare feat). 
but then when you were just with the two of them, alone, it’s like they were their old selves again.
 you didn’t ever realize how much you missed it- being with them.
whilst at school you found jungwon insufferable, you realize that you’re getting used to his antics. you hate to admit it but, you aren’t bothered or annoyed as much seeing his face everyday.   
probably because the more and more you saw him, the more it became evident to you that the old jungwon was still there. behind all the cocky smirks and remarks, the sweet and hilarious jungwon peeked through. 
and you secretly felt elated. 
you couldn’t help but proud of who jungwon was, and who he became. he was still true to himself and he was by your side through  thick and thin, through all the ridiculous rumors surrounding you. you were proud to be his friend- that is, if you even were able to consider yourselves that. 
maybe that’s why you don’t mind the late night walks with him that become a regular, something you actually look forward to. the times you can reminiscing on memories instead of hiding them away. all the good times that you wanted to forget, tried to forget for a good while couldn’t escape you. 
the good times you had together.  
and although jungwon didn’t really like talking about it as much (and you respected that even as much as you wished to know the truth) he had to admit-
the three of you made the best memories.
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
“jungwon,” you give him a piece of your dessert before turning to the other, “and riki.”
“both of you guys get a piece so no more fighting.”
jungwon shakes his head, “you eat too many sweets, riki. you know it’s bad for you.” said person sticks out their tongue, “okay mom. whatever you say.” 
you and jungwon share a look, shaking your heads together in unison before breaking out in laughter. riki has no choice but to join in with confusion, only causing you and jungwon to laugh even harder. 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
“i still don’t get it,” you rub your eyes in frustration. you already knew jungwon was a genius from the start. and your english grade had been on the edge for a while,
so why not take advantage of the best resource you had and ask jungwon to tutor you? 
at first he was shocked when you asked but his expression quickly changed to a cocky one. “now you oh so desperately need me?” 
you drop the pleading puppy dog eyes act and huff. “just whenever you have free time, you can come over to my house and we can study together and stuff.” you mumble the last bit before leaving, embarrassed.  
turns out, jungwon is still as good of a teacher as he was before. you don’t understand how he’s able to explain each concept with such ease. as you stare at him while he explains so seriously and genuinely, you desperately imagine him as your teacher instead.
“-y/n? are you listening?” 
you jolt, “huh? me? yes.”
jungwon can tell how anxious you are by the way your hands begin to fiddle and he suddenly reaches out a hand to grasp your wrist. “stop that,” he scolds gently before releasing you, “that’s never been a good habit.” 
you’re speechless as he eyes you suspiciously before closing the book. “then… good luck on your test tomorrow. just remember what i reviewed today and you should be good.” 
you get up and squeeze his free hand subconsciously. “thank you lots, jungwon. i mean it, i owe you a favor now.” 
his eyes sparkle and you begin to regret saying that. “any favor?” 
the next day, you text jungwon to meet up with you after school. he seems confused and even concerned but you don’t give him much to work with. he arrives straight on the dot, 3pm, while lounging around at the library and tapping his foot anxiously as he waits for your arrival. 
he got stopped twice by a couple of passing girls but he politely excused himself, saying he had some personal business to attend to. 
jungwon certainly doesn’t expect you to burst through the doors, flying into him as he lets out a loud grunt. 
you practically beam at him, “i passed with a 98!!!”
immediately, jungwon lifts you up and spins you around with ease, truly pleased and impressed by you as you laugh. 
“now what did i say, y/n? to trust me and yourself, and you did fine. i’m proud of you!”
you couldn’t hold your excitement back as you laugh happily, agreeing with him. 
he doesn’t even realize what he did until right then, suddenly acting shy and awkwardly apologizing to you. to be honest, you didn’t feel uncomfortable or shocked by it, and you stay wondering if you should’ve felt as awkward as he seemed. 
the sight of him suddenly brings a memory fresh to your mind, and you don’t know whether it’s a good or bad one. 
· • —– ٠ ✄  ٠ —– • ·
“where’s riki?” you ask with a frown. jungwon sits down next to you at the lunch table, opening his lunchbox as you wait patiently. “i think he had to skip school again..” 
the surprise is evident in your tone, “again? but-“
he sighs while shrugging, “you know riki, and how important this is to him.” 
“i know, but missing three days of school already?” you distractedly wipe a piece of food off the corner of jungwon’s mouth while talking and he freezes. 
“boys are so messy,” you murmur with a shake of your head. you’re too focused on your food to see his reaction. 
“w-who knows,” he abruptly swallows, “if he becomes more serious and his skills improve, he might be missing school for a long time.”
you grow sullen at the thought of riki’s absent seat in class and jungwon must notice the upset expression on your face because he pokes your cheek. annoyed, you swat his hand away but he doesn’t stop trying to bother you. 
“hey, don’t forget you still have me!”
you let out a giggle, “yeah, unfortunately.” 
looking back on those days, you figure that specific memory was the start of the end. 
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nyashykyunnie · 7 months
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(tw: some of the contents have self-harm)
WHAT IF WHAT IF Kiwoo in an isekai type of story whereas he actually used to be an overworked and abandoned child and one dy he does from over-exhaustion and starvation.
And true to fashion isekai sht he wakes up as a baby being craddled by a goddess(Hae-in) and there is this very handsome man staring at him(The devil himself: Sung Jinwoo). And he is just utterly confused and lost and there is another baby beside him. So Kiwoo grows up a bit detached from everyone, but make no mistake he absolutely LOVES his family, he's just shy and feeling guilty over the fact that he stole the real "Sung Kiwoo's." spotlight and rightful heir so he spends majorty of his time compensating Jinhae by being the goodest son he can be and being very overprotective of Suho (he's the real ki-woo anyway, he just thinks he stole someone's spot). He has high grades but not higher than Suho because he doesn't want Suho to feel inferior to him.
As i've said before, KIWOO IS A WEAK INTELLECT IN ACADEMICS, so he puts in extra hardwork in his studies inside his room and often had lot of mental breakdowns in his room because studying maths and sciences for him are so hard because of his weak comprehension and he is absolutely terrified of asking for help from anyone because he doesn't wanna feel like a burden to anyone because he is afraid that if he shows weakness they will abandon him (He has ptsd from previous life). Kiwoo is absolutely paranoid of making mistakes and because of the fact that he doesn't voice out his stress it leads to a bit of self-destructive habits.
Kiwoo nibbles on his fingertips until they bleed, he picks on the skin of his legs that is not just simple BUT HE ABSOLUTELY DIGS HIS OWN SKIN. He paces a lot frantically too when he's overly-stressed. Kiwoo doesnt have any scars because well, he is a Monarch in pure blood so he has the abnormal regenerative factors of healing. So his self-destructive habits just get worse and worse until he explodes one day because of the sheer stress his academics his putting him through and the fact that his 'Monarch' side terrified him so much because he is new to ALL of this. Necromancy? Itarim? Monarchs? Shadows? Awakened? It was eating at Kiwoo's mental state until he just had a panic attack from raiding a gate because he got so horrified that he cant find Suho anywhere.
Luckily enough, Jinwoo stepped in time and snapped him out of him in the gentlest way possible. He calmed his son down and asked him to breathe. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Jinwoo had always known about Kiwoo's self-harm, and most especially the fact that Kiwoo has 'memories of his past life'. So Jinwoo assured him: "You are my son, my baby, my blood runs thick on you just as it does to your older brother. I gave you the name 'Sung Kiwoo' and you 'are' Kiwoo. No one else. But 'Kiwoo'. And son, I know its hard but you have to stop this, you're more than you could ever possibly know. You belong here, it is your birthright. You never stole 'Anything' from anyone, this position is yours and yours on;y. You hear me?" And that day, it was the first time Jinwoo saw his youngest child become an actual 'child'. He sobbed loudly in wild abandon, he was having a crucial moment of catharsis. The pent up anger, sadness, jealousy, the depression— Kiwoo just screamed it out through his sobs. And boy did it relieve Jinwoo that Kiwoo let his guard down. He knew deep inside Kiwoo was a child at heart, he could see it with that way Kiwoo acted in their various family trips.
He saw the way this child of his lit up whenever they went to parks, to buildings for kids, to beaches where he innocently picks up seashells and seaglass, and most especially the Aquarium Park.
Jinwoo sighed in relief that finally, FINALLY, Kiwoo wasn't going to shut them out anymore
im SO SORRY I JUST CANT SHUT UP ABT KIWOO I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS ABT HIM I LOVE HIM OKAY
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vaxxy-the-raven · 1 month
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14 year old me deserved better
we shouldn't have been bullied, our parents shouldn't have emotionally neglected us, we shouldn't have been allowed free reign on the internet
i have irreversible trauma all because my parents didn't understand the difference between giving shelter & food to someone and real parenting
i felt abandoned and unloved and pushed away and hated
i felt utterly worthless to, and unwanted by, the very people who had fought to have me
my parents went through IVF to have me, you know, and yet my whole life I've never really felt loved or wanted by them
i ended up so alone and scared i fell into an older person's trap and was hurt in ways that i didn't understand back then
i felt so broken and discarded, like i truly had nothing left to give to anyone else
it really fucked me up
i understand how this all happened and it sickens me
i hate that some parents hate their children and hurt them internationally, i hate that some parents don't know love and therefore can't give it to their own children in the future
i hate that people refuse to accept that girls can be evil and predatory, i hate that we treat victims as criminals even if they "followed every rule"
its no wonder i gave up on my education in the end
its no wonder i stopped living
im stuck and I feel helpless
i was talking to people, I was getting help, I was making progress (and technically i still am but not in ways that truly help in the long run) but it got too overwhelming and i just fucking shut down again
i feel trapped in a body that doesn't belong to me
it never did and never will
i feel trapped in a cycle of anger and sadness and sickness and exhaustion
5 10 15 20 25 30
i feel so fucking stuck
so fucking done
i woke up at 6am today and i couldn't fall back asleep
i trued writing it off, literally by writing fanfiction, and I've refreshed tumblr and twitter so many times since I woke up that in kind of sick of them
its now 8am and I feel dead
but not energy wise
just emotionally unwound
I'll probably feel better after i have some water and talk to my boyfriend, knowing me
but i wanted to talk about how just fucked everything feels
i feel like a vase someone smashed into smithereens and that was put back together with paper mache and string
her name kills me almost every time I see or hear it now
i think i might hate myself less than her these days, honestly
she stole my innocence and my trust and my childish love
she robbed me of a colour, of a book series, of a movie, of a flower and of so much more
she probably doesn't even remember me anymore, if she's still alive after everything
i don't know what I'd prefer
5 10 15 20 25 30
would i rather she got help and found love and happiness?
would i rather the opposite?
i feel too tired to care
she's not the last, nor am i certain she was truly the first
but she ruined me in ways nobody else could dream to
she left a sickness in my veins that i cant get rid of
its almost become lovely
i would miss it if it were gone
the hate is ugly and hisses, but i take comfort in its heat
maybe i am broken, maybe she broke me, maybe
i woke up today with terrible thoughts of things i dont want to do to myself or to others
thats fucked up
i can't remember if i was always like this or if she did this
maybe its both
5 10 15 20 25 30
all i know is that im tired
i want to stop hurting
i want to stop being scared
i want to stop being angry
i want to stop being sad
i want to stop being so tired
i just want to live and love
i love people, i do
i hate feeling such strong hatred that im not so sure is even really my own
i just want to be happy
i feel sick
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rome-roy · 5 days
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we got a puppy at the weekend completely unexpectedly and I love him, he’s so beautiful and lovely and apparently pretty well behaved for a puppy, especially one who has never been out of kennels, but also he’s getting naughtier every day. Thanks to google I know now that puppy blues are a thing bc I’ve been feeling so utterly sad, so thank fuck there’s a name for it and I’m not alone in feeling this way. He’s only 3 months and it’s only been 4 days so like… there’s so much to go. I know it’ll go away but everything has changed, things were going in a very different direction and that feels all gone now. I think I’m the only one in the family feeling sad like this, it might catch up to them though. But I’m sad for multiple reasons, not just training/looking after puppy is hard and exhausting.
ahhhh. anyway. we have a puppy! yippee/boo/im bald/some other nuanced response.
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