#i've been struggling since this game's release to find the words for how it makes me feel | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

steamberrystudio · 7 months

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05/11/2023

Hey everyone! Time for the bi-weekly tumblr update for Steamberry stuffs!

I feel like I have missed a few tumblr updates. I went back and the last one I can find is *dated* August 24 - but was actually posted on September 24th. LoL

I had one dated from October but it looks like I may have never actually posted it. That seems about right for how things have been going for me.

It's been rough. Like...really rough. I'm going to assume that the September 24th post was my last tumblr update. I have been updating on Patreon and even updated on Itchio, so there have been updates. Just apparently not here.

(below, you'll mostly find information on WSC but there is a quick update on GS remnants as well!)

Summary

Have written all but Yren's route *through* chapter 9

Numerous new BGs

Ramble

So the last time I posted it looks like I was just starting Chapter 8 in When Stars Collide. I am currently wrapping up the final scenes of chapter 9.

My word count in the September update was 373,000 and it is currently 413,000. I am just shy of 90% of the way towards my final word count goal.

I am about halfway through writing Yren's chapter 9 content (about 8000 words of content total and I've got nearly 4000 of that written). Once I have that bit written, I will be done with Chapter 9 for all characters.

I've gotten new art since my last post but honestly I'm not sure at this point how many. Looking back at my emails, it looks like I've probably gotten 3 new complete BGs + 1 BG sketch since my last update here on Tumblr.

I have updated all the CGs with the new background art as well - the introductory CGs in the current snapshot, of course, use the old backgrounds and the new conference room looks completely different and has different chairs. So I had to go back to those CGs and re-do the chairs. That is done but I haven't actually coded the new BGs yet. I have, however, updated the artwork.

That's basically the major stuff for now with WSC.

Gilded Shadows

Working on the lore book. The art book is complete but I decided to hold off releasing it until the lore book is done so I can release them together. Lore book is taking a while as there is a lot of content to format and I'm adding to it as I go.

It is nearing 100 pages already and...yeah. There's a fair bit more. So it's gonna be big.

Screenshots:

None this time....I don't think.

Upcoming Weeks:

Basically the same old stuff. I will be writing for WSC. I am currently trying to hit a goal of at least 6500 words a week so I can complete the draft by the end of December.

So far I have been able to do that although some weeks I barely managed. It's, as I said, been rough.

I'm continuing to work on the GS lore book. Most of the stuff is at least collected in one place right now, so I just have to format, organise, and add any commentary.

But I've changed computers at least twice since starting this game and some things I remember writing and am now struggling to find. So...that's fun.

Anyway I will try to make sure I post here every two weeks going forward instead of writing up a draft of the post and apparently never showing anyone. 💪

#whenstarscollide #indieotome #amare game #english otome games #steamberry #updates

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just-a-mod · 10 months

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I played Soul Void : Redux.

starting this off with : this is a good review and a happy thing

i am putting it under a read more for spoiler purposes uwu

about 5 or more years ago, i first played Soul Void. i found it on tumblr, and thought 'wow, that looks interesting' and showed it to my at the time GF

we both sat down and played it, me watching her at first, before deciding i wanted to play it along side her and go through the experience

getting into this game, immediately i began to see parts of myself in it. struggles i've had, words i've heard from others and from myself. i looked at the characters around me and felt them resonate with me and i felt.

feelings. sorrow, grief. the want to help, compassion and the hopeful feeling of 'don't give up, it will get better!'

i wanted to help them, and in turn by the end of the game, wanted to help myself

that was 5 years ago

i haven't played since, and not for a lack of not wanting to, just not feeling i needed to. i still remembered The Seeker, i remembered how The Leech and The Waiting were. i remembered how it felt, and i continued on.

then i began to forget, but still, i didn't go back. 'not yet', 'i don't need it yet'. it felt like

lately, it's felt like i did. a refresher, a chance to...process? a chance to acknowledge 'hey, these are struggles. these are feelings, but they can be helped. they can get better.

then i saw Redux was coming out. 3-4 months or so ago, i saw the update was set to release July 26, and i waited.

i'd forget for a few weeks, remember, check the date, and then go back to the day to day, only to repeat the pattern a few more times.

yesterday, i remembered. yesterday, i checked the date.

yesterday after D&D, i threw myself into playing again. and it was everything i remembered it to be.

it feels, oddly enough, like a medicine. a kind of salve that stings and soothes at the same time. my mental health isn't (and hasn't been of late) the greatest. victories in some places, loses in others. but progress, i believe, all the same.

going into Soul Void, i get to see all of these people doing their best. encouraging each other, the player and myself to do our best.

seeing The Waiting, The Husk, The Seeker. The Leech. all of them

new faces too, people i hadn't spoken to before! people i had yet to befriend! places i hadn't' seen!

i stepped into the game and hearing new music, reading new dialogue, having a chance to laugh and feel pain and sympathy and 'oh girl, SAME' energy.

getting a chance to stare evenly at the Grim, to find them less scary and more funny this time around.

getting to help The Seeker.

getting to HUG The Seeker.

getting the necklace. having it in the real world. the message behind it.

(ngl i'd pay some amount of money for that necklace as merch, by the way, if not try to juts make it myself. just tell me how it looks and by golly i will figure out some kind of way)

but i sat, and i loved, and i teared up and cried. i felt an ache in my chest that was soothed the further i went in

i listened to my own words being so automatically offered

'you'll be okay'

it'll be alright'

'this will pass'

'you'll get better'

offered to pixels on a screen that held a reflective piece of something i can see inside of myself, and it reminds me to share those with myself.

Soul Void is a game that sits in a special place in my heart. along side shows like Inuyasha and games like Undertale. it is a game that changed my life in an important time, in an important way.

for years to come, i will revisit it. for years to come, i will remember how every one looks at the end of the game, when you've helped them all. when you've helped yourself.

i will be drawing art of Hugging Seeker.

(also i wish we could hug more people, like The Waiting and The Leech. im not upset we cant, i just also wish we could.)

((also also does any one else have such an emotional attachment to The Waiting because i stg i kinda wish we could just sit with him, as the veins stop pulsing? so he's just not...alone..? but idk that's me))

@kadabura from the bottom of my heart and soul, thank you for making this game. Thank you for updating it.

thank you for all the work you've put into it, and for making it a free to play game.

thank you for sharing it with the world, as this game is one of the most beautiful and cherished experiences i've had in my 30 some odd years of life.

thank you for making such a beautiful story and journey that can allow people like me to see kindness for ourselves

i was originally going to send an ask, but tumblr just does not have enough space in one ask for me to express my love for this game.

Thank you so much. i hope your days are filled with the joy and strength to keep getting new ones, and that your nights are filled with dreams of laughter and music

for any one who may be reading this and NOT know what this beautiful game is

and the beautiful soul who made it

Thank you @kadabura

Be safe and Be at peace <3

#justatext #justapost #soul void #soul void redux #kadabura #my two cents #this is a long thing and i am normally too shy to do this #but this feels important to me so im doing it #hopefully it doesmt come off weird haha;;#it also bares mentioning this game helped one of my daughters as well #she use to feel that she could only make bad things or do bad things #but this game showed her that horror and darkness can be beautiful too #that it can be kind and healing and helpful #she does alot of things relative to stardew valley now but with horror and im so proud of her #this game is important to me and my loved ones and i will continue to sing its praises until this mortal coil expires #also im serious aabout the necklace though i love that so much???#like fr if that becomes merch i will drop some amount of money for it #or at the very least if a design is released i will try to make one #i might try to make one any way given it has a description #i cant wear metal but by golly i will get leather thread > : ) ive done it before #im being al ittle silly but its becaues i just really love the ending okay #my discord icon is literally the leech and the waiting rn no joke

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drac-onion · 7 months

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Finished P5R

Bunch of words under the cut, honestly I'm just ranting. Figured I'd spare your timelines of a massive wall of text.

Real talk, though. I cried for like 2 hours. From 2/2 all the way to the end. I would cry for a little while, and then stop for a bit. Then I would get to a cutscene or something and the waterworks would start back up again.

Man, I just...6 years ago, I played the original Persona 5. I finished it on May 27th, 2017, a little over a month after it released. I'm kind of impressed as to how I was able to marathon the whole thing in a month while balancing college and work (although I didn't have a whole lot of time dedicated to either at the time, so whatever).

It took me nearly three years to get around to finishing Royal. I got it on launch on PS4, played it for two weeks solid, and then...sort of fell off. I blame quarantine and going a little hard in the paint on playing it every day since I had nothing else better to do, but that doesn't really matter. I was also dealing with quite a bit on my plate at the time. From my car dying (and it being entirely my fault), to losing my job, to...well, I'm not going to make this about that. I could, but I'd be here for ages if I went over everything that's happened in my life.

I just want to say how special this game is to me. The characters, the story, the music, everything just sticks with me. Even after all this time. Even after I dropped the game for three years and picked it back up on PC after transferring my save (worth the money I spent on getting my saves decrypted, if I'm honest), I never stopped loving it. I just...had some other stuff going on. Between Royal coming out and now, since I've finished it, so much has happened. It's wild to think about how much life can change in three years. Hell, how much life can change in the 6 and a half years since I finished the original. So much has happened.

Perhaps it's a little "cringe" to think so fondly of a piece of media like this (enough to shed tears). A piece of fiction. Something, at its very core, not real. Fake. Made up. But there is something about it that's real, and I can't even put it into words. But, you're just going to have to take my word for it. If you know, then you know. If that makes me cringe, then so be it. I think any piece of media can have a message, and I've always found the messages in the games I enjoy motivating. "Time never waits, so find your own meaning to life's struggle, with your heart as your guide", "Be true to yourself, no matter how painful it may be", "Stick to your values, no matter how tough things are, and change the world for the better in your own way", "Once you're at rock bottom, the only way to go is up". I wish I could apply some of these messages in my own life. I suppose the only thing stopping me is me, right? That's how that works.

God, I can feel myself wanting to cry again, but I just don't have any more tears. I think this was the emotional release I've been looking for during the last couple months. Things aren't so good for me right now, and they're about to get a lot worse now that the holidays are coming up. I...don't like this time of year, to put it simply. This will likely come up in my writing in one form or another. (Write what you know, I guess?)

Anyway, I had more stuff I wrote here, but I got waaaaaayyyy off track and into some personal places, so I'll stop myself here.

Persona, as a series, has always been so special to me. I hope that the series continues to grow in the best possible way. Can't wait to cry like a bitch when I eventually finish Persona 3 Reload!

Aaaaahhh...yeah, that one is gonna be rough, even when I know it's coming. Yep.

Well...all that said...my journey with The Phantom Thieves of Hearts isn't over quite yet...I get to ride out yet another journey with these guys...not to mention P5T coming out in around a month. I'm glad to be able to spend more time with these characters. Now, then...

#persona 5 #persona 5 royal #rambles

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lizardwithacomputer · 7 months

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Finding A Specific Missing Announcer Voiceline from DDR: Mario Mix

I just went though unimaginable torment (spent 5 hours trying to do this) in order to obtain the following sound byte:

What you hear above is the voice of Londell "Taz" Hicks (I'm 90% certain of this) who was the announcer for several Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) games, both in the arcade games and games for console, particularly Max, Extreme, and SuperNOVA. Based on ear and the release timeframes, he is also the announcer in DDR: Mario Mix.

The above voiceline has been an inside joke in my friend group for more than a decade. It has tormented and taunted us every time we boot up the game. It comes up any time performance is in the question. Speeches, presentations, concerts, D&D games, everything. I wanted this sound byte for the purposes of psychological mayhem and figured I'd do some quick searching and have it downloaded in time to get groceries.

This isolated voiceline does not exist in any archive I could track down.

So, obviously, I figured I'd get it myself. That it would be easy. And, I'll be frank, despite all my struggles, it could've been so much worse if not for the hard work of media archivists before me. Here's how I was able to track this voiceline down:

Getting into Stepmania/ITGMania/Project Outfox necessitated that I know a thing or two about where to get simulation files for the game. In fact, I'd already gotten the simulation files for DDR: Mario Mix, which is what prompted the idea of finding the same announcer. The files only contain music, album art, and step data (the arrows in DDR), and not, reasonably, anything from the game. So I had to look elsewhere.

Stepmania has a large customization and creation community that makes themes, custom charts, and, most importantly for me, announcers. The first thing I did was figure out the most likely announcer for DDR: Mario Mix, then headed to the Stepmania archive and started downloading. I started sifting through the files, but all I could find was this voiceline from DDR Extreme2:

As you can tell, these may be the same words, but it is NOT the same voiceline. It isn't smug enough. It's too supportive. This will not cause the torment I desire. I started to despair. I trawled every single other game Taz had announced for and only found this same inflection. The smugness of DDR: Mario Mix eluded me.

The next thing I did was try to get them from the game itself. The Dolphin Emulator has a really cool feature that lets you extract the contents of "discs" (in this case, a mounted .ciso file). Once I had that, I started to sift through, praying that it wouldn't be embedded in an obscure bin file.

Instead, I found this, in a folder labelled "sound":

What the hell are these file formats.

Briefly, I gave up on trying to extract things from the disc and started looking in different archives. I found one archive of video game music, that had happened to back up all of DDR: Mario Mix, and it happened to include some sound effects in it! I was hopeful, but after clicking going through every unhelpfully-named file, I was out of luck. Why would an archive lack part of the game? Well I went to the forums tied to the archive and:

DID YOU REMOVE THE VOICE CLIPS I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR, 1425720626? DID YOU?!?!

Anyway. Searching this forum still provided me with some other options. Mainly, a post talking specifically about the msm and pdt files I was confused by before!

And this was figured out 11-12 years ago!! Remarkably, the download for the script still worked. So I loaded it up into VSCode, fixed some of the outdated code (specifically, had to change ord() calls to int(), some bytes stuff, I could ramble about this, but-), and ran it. This python code produced 465 dsp files. A dsp file is an older type of data sequence file that is common in older videogames and is used to play audio.

Since its on the older and obscure side, it's not something a native media player can play out of the box. The forum I've been searching through, it turns out, is actually part of a bigger website (hcs64) that has tools related to video game music archival, including audio ripping tools and, more importantly, a program that can play and convert dsp files called vgmstream.

I used the vgmstream web player to listen to a couple randomly chosen dsp files I had from the 465 I'd gotten from the python. Luckily, there was a small form of organization, and when I hit the files starting with 0003, I heard the sweet, sweet voice of Londell 'Taz' Hicks. And to my elation, the very second file I tested was the glorious, smug, tormenting words:

Everybody is watching you!

This is generally where you stop, because you've got the file now. But since I'm writing this primarily for my own archival purposes, there's a couple other steps I took after downloading the voiceline.

See, vgmstream converted the file to a wav file and I needed an mp3. This is actually easy enough. If you open up VLC (traffic cone video player) and go to Media>Convert/Save, you can convert it easily. I threw the file in there, made a new profile for the conversion settings, adjusted the bit rate to be the same as the wav file...then, instead of making the sample rate the maximum, like I should've done, I left it at the minimum and, uh...

whoops.

#lizard rambling #dance dance revolution #media archival #text #yeah ill throw this one into real tags lol #feels so cool to do a write up of something you accomplished or figured out

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theautisticgamer · 1 year

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How Forgotten Land Revived Kirby

It's been about a year now since Kirby & the Forgotten Land came out and I replayed it to get a retrospective before the release of remaster Kirby's Return to Dreamland Deluxe. However it was surprisingly in going back to my first Kirby game all those years ago that I finally understood what I wanted to blog about Forgotten Land.

There was nothing wrong with the formula that Return to Dreamland introduced back in 2011. However, HAL's fear of deviating from that successful formula that caused the series to struggle with being stale and disinteresting by the time Star Allies released in 2018. Every game of the decade felt like the same game under a new coat of paint, and Star Allies (the fourth game to follow the pattern) put multiple nails into the coffin. The Kirby series was far from dying, merchandise sold like hotcakes after all, but the games had grown stagnant and a big shake-up was needed for the next game.

And HAL delivered. Despite the development team's fear of jumping into 3D gameplay, they took the challenge head-on without turning back just like Kirby himself would have. The result was a massive success. This is the part of the story we all know, but transitioning Kirby into 3D was far from the only change made that made a huge impact on the series.

It was great to see Forgotten Land take a different approach to the settings they created. Instead of basing worlds on biomes, the biomes became a backdrop to new settings. These new settings were based on deteriorating architecture being reclaimed by the overgrowth of nature, with architecture and types of facilities changing between worlds. The concrete and steel jungle of World 1 is nothing like the brick architecture of World 4, for example. Malls, amusement parks, resort hotels, all mysteriously vacant and piquing curiosity without saying a word and simply displaying the settings themselves.

Piquing curiosity wasn't HAL's only success. They sought to pique imagination as well when making the game's gimmick mechanic, Mouthful Mode. They retool Kirby's powers in such an intriguing way with this mechanic as much as they retool the items Kirby swallows. Suddenly old everyday items hold new purpose and function in ways that look ridiculous, and yet it's that very ridiculousness and playfulness that makes the game spark a piece of childhood imagination that I thought I'd lost. What's also nice about Mouthful Mode is that I don't have to dispose of my copy ability in order to use them, and can resume using my copy ability as soon as the gimmick segments are over.

Forgotten Land made sure that the increase in price from $40 on a 3DS to $60 on a Switch was worthwhile (something I think Star Allies failed miserably to do). Levels are long and have a lot to explore, and on top of finding Waddle Dees, additional Waddle Dee Achievements are gradually unlocked, allowing for replayability, with a pretty decent postgame content too.

Probably one of the best things HAL did, however, was revamp the difficulty. Kirby games are notoriously easy and bosses tend to be beatable with little effort or thought. Not so with Forgotten Land. While it still remains an easy game overall, it is a much more difficult Kirby game than we've seen lately. Boss battles are complexed by the no-longer-infinite hover mechanic and the new dodge and guard mechanics. The bosses also maneuver very quickly compared to previous Kirby bosses, keeping the player on their toes by encouraging them to diversify their strategies and learn the new mechanics without necessarily forcing them to do so. Treasure Road also provided a lot of challenge, with additional challenge via some of the strictest time-goal challenges I've seen in games. If Kirby players want challenge, it's here for them. And for the players that don't, they are catered to as well, with power boosts and items available for purchase as well as the easy mode for the game called Spring Breeze.

There's something in this game for everyone.

Kirby & the Forgotten Land did more than give Kirby a new coat of paint while still managing to make it feel every bit like a Kirby game. I look forward to seeing more Kirby games like Forgotten Land in the future.

#Kirby #kirby and the forgotten land #Forgotten #Land #HAL #Nintendo #Switch #Star #Allies #Return #Dreamland #Deluxe

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seasideretreat · 1 year

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I am a fisherman

A guy asked me the other day: "Have you ever fished?" And I guess I said no, because I have never fished. All I know is I try to accrue influence through writing. It's not a pretty story. I am trying my best to say something, express myself. But I can't. The things I type are strange and ludicrous the way we tend to be insane in time and space, and that ain't no lie, I reckon, but it is all just a bunch of nonsense, and I did write a lot the other day and I guess I am writing a lot now. I am happy. All I want to do is write a lot. I don't know how other people do it. I am that guy that always says amazing things no matter what he does. But my power is limited. I struggle every day. A guy called me a big guy on the internet the other day - he never saw me, but he was interested in Daoism which is probably why he was impressed with what I said. I dunno. It's all a mess, I see it is a mess and I am not convinced of anything, I just think is all, I say things and I think.

When I wrote yesterday I just couldn't stop, but at some point I had to go to bed, and then I was completely disoriented the whole time. It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall. The practice of writing is not fun, that's how I started. I just got into my little safe zone and started, but it didn't do anything, it was all a mess, and it just kept coming until the limit on Tumblr told me I had to start a new paragraph, and that's fine. I just wish I could write more. Schopenhauer said about his book that "no one could take it away from him" that he wrote it. That's true I guess, and this is a constant truth in writing, that we express ourselves, that it is a full effort; but this is what I am saying, I am an artist, a philosopher, but what makes me a writer? I have no idea. It's just that I got to writing things and it was not Daoism; kind of crazy, but that's what I've been living for, to write things that are not Daoism, and then the Daoism came and saved me. You see, writing isn't really hard work, but it can be if you don't know how to do it, that's why many writers really aren't that productive. But a lot of people who study at college become quite productive and they pride themselves on it, but they don't think for themselves and when the time comes to truly write, they can't do it. This is why we read Immanuel Kant. Schopenhauer also said that that reading Kant changes something in the heads of the readers: I had the same experience. This is why Schopenhauer's book is so good, it's poetic. We know that someone is a true atheist when he can write good poetry. Right? And I write continuously because I know how to suffer, maybe, but the writing is a release from the suffering, since you gotta do something. That's the truth about it all, it's not even fun to play video games and there ain't no fun in listening to music half the time although, as the Conductor said at the New Year's concert in Vienna on television this year, he said: "Life without music would be a mistake," which was a quote from Nietzsche again. And I got nothing to say! That's the best part, but I just feel so badass when I write and everything just falls apart even as it seems to come together in some form, as I spout the gospel that will unite the whole world in a new kind of wellness practice or cult, I dunno, it's all just wonderful and splendid and I wish I knew more words. The thing is, I am afraid to stop typing. When I stop typing, perhaps something will change, but I guess I find it cannot change. Indeed, writing is exciting, because it could stop, right? But that's not true, it can't stop, not when you really write well, then it cannot stop, and I taught myself how to write through a psychosis that wasn't psychotic at all, it was just literally a psychosis, which is something the psychiatrists will never understand. Psychosis is normal. Of course, people will say my actions are not normal, as if that shows that I don't know myself, but I am a gay cat, in the old sense of the word, and what does that mean? I've come to understand that gay actually means something akin to licentious and that has always been like that, it can't literally be translated as happy as the homosexual crowd sometimes does, but I suppose we shouldn't worry about it, it can all be jolly. Anyway, what I was thinking about just now was that song by Coldplay, The Scientist where he sings "Nobody said it was easy, Nobody said it would be so hard." And then "Let's go back to the start" which is why I was reminded of Daoism again. You see, once you've learned how to write you'll want to write endlessly, there just ain't no stopping it anymore and it is so liberating and joyful, which is why Derrida is so popular, or was when he was alive (and we all know that he was controversial as hell which is a problem for us poor geeks). I tell you, psychiatry is no fun and you can't work all the time, like with Steven King when he write All work and no play make Johnny a dull boy.

You see, as far as writing is work, it is simply a matter of writing the same things over and over, which is not what it means to be a writer. I say, I am a philosopher, but am I also a writer? I said I was, and I think it is a noble title, but to be a writer, you have to think, which is quite a strange thing, but yeah now I see why I am a writer. If I was just a philosopher, I would be a thinker in the first place, and I suck at thinking; but if I am a writer, it makes sense why I am an evil man. After all, you can write all the time and people will read it, but my thoughts are subservient to the writing and so I do not write the truth, I write lies all the time which is something we find in Fleetwood Mac, and now we are back to the concept of the hard rain. I say, writing is exhausting. Two days ago I was sitting on this stool and I just spend all afternoon writing, and it was glorious but it didn't make any sense to my Cretin Family, and so forth. So basically, when it was time to stop (because I had to eat I suppose), I just felt so happily worn down, but yeah these are the real challenges of writing perhaps, not to get wounded - which is why the type-writer is such a good invention, because you can keep your hands in a rather natural position and there really isn't any limitation on the amount of writing you can do; whereas with a pen, which is how I often write, your hand is all contorted and you really can't write all that much because your finger will get deformed: I tell you, back when I was still writing neurotically, this happened to me, but I cleaned up my act when I was psychotic and that is all so wonderful now. Truth is, you only really need to write one good book to be a writer; once you've learned the technique there is really nothing anymore to keep you from writing endlessly, to writing more.

#beat generation #beatnik #selfhood

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dzpenumbra · 1 year

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12/3/22

I don't want to write this. I'm just... I'm really overwhelmed right now. Every creak and bump in the apartment building I jump and my heart races. I don't feel safe. I don't know how else to put it. This is, from my understanding, a PTSD response. Like in a movie where a military vet jumps and freaks out when they hear fireworks or something. This is because I was abused a few hours ago. I don't want to talk about it, but I understand why it's happening now, which is... well it doesn't fix it, but it helps me at least understand that this isn't something wrong with me. This isn't a malfunction in my brain, this isn't chemical misfires, this isn't me being broken and needing to fix something. This is me actually not being safe, having been in an unsafe environment and suffered harm, and my body really not knowing where the next strike is going to come from in my weakened state.

It's because it's psychological and emotional pain. The best I can figure. Physical pain is much easier to identify these responses to, I speak from experience. If you've been following this for a while, you probably know my shin story. If not, let me really nutshell the fuck out of it. TLDR: Blood clot in my shin, ER tried to amputate, I got a second opinion and saved the leg. That has a lot of layers to it, you know... but the physical side. I get really cautious about shin injuries now, I'm very hyper-aware of those. I fuuuuckin woooonder whyyyy. Makes sense, right? Because I know how bad those can get, how dangerous they can be, and it was some of the worst pain I've been in in my life. Hands down. Hard to forget that, the body and mind do not want to go through that again.

Now, imagine that shin pain was... emotional pain. Or a reaction to loud noises. Where it like... makes you re-live those traumatic moments, even hypothetically, even... reflexively? Subconsciously? I'm struggling to find good words, like... without your conscious awareness. Like... last night I heard the same bumps and creaks coming from the floor above and I had zero reflexive jumps. I just noticed the sound, went "oh, its the upstairs neighbors" and went back to sleep. But now, since I'm freshly wounded, one pop of a wooden beam and it's like those old doctor's rubber mallets to the nerve in your knee and my whole fucking body jumps and a tiny gnome in my chest cavity throws the "Adrenaline Emergency Release" valve. That's where I've been the past...3 hours? After the crying, frustration and outrage ran its course.

I hate this. And honestly, all I want is someone to just curl up on a mattress with me and hold me and watch some videos or something and just go, "it's okay, it's over now, you're safe." That's all, that is literally heaven to me. But, to be completely blunt, at times like this... I feel like bringing my life into the life of another - aka dating - is like... dropping a giant flaming bag of shit onto their doorstep. It's the answer to pretty much every problem I have, but my... mercy? I don't know, something like that holds me back.

Before I rabbithole on that, I just want to - for the sake of my own therapeutic work that I'm doing right now - label that for what it is. That is me being insecure. I'm gonna go over to my Needs meters again, fuck it. Thank you, video games, for putting psychology into an easily understandable interactive visual medium.

Food - Ate as much buffalo mac and cheese as my tight as a knot stomach could handle (8/10) Water - Watered down all-natural lemonade with stevia, lips finally not chapped after like a full week, pissing clear (9/10) Sleep - Slept beautifully last night, but it is past 1AM so... (3/10, but any other day this week it would've been a 1/10 at this time of night) So, what does that leave? Yep. Confidence. My confidence is shattered. I feel... worthless. Nope, worse. I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like I'm a problem. I feel radioactive. I feel like if I were to make eye-contact with someone in the hallway on my way out to the parking lot, it would make their day worse. And since I can't really identify why that would happen, it's pretty clear this is because of earlier. And, as you could imagine, this creates a pretty vicious cycle... because I don't know anyone up here and having my confidence replenished by others is like... the absolute best remedy for times like this. So, if I'm convinced that I'm just going to make peoples' lives worse, I avoid even commonplace interactions. I never get replenished. Deeper down the spiral I go. I just got out of several years of this cycle, with multiple self-absorbed people. It almost destroyed me. Now I am here, and I'm kinda quaking in my boots. I'm scared I'll meet another one of them. I'm scared that in my desperate loneliness and need for social affection, I'll naively overlook warning signs and become a thrall again. Dark shit, huh?

So, yeah. Not a great night. XD I did go to the grocery store. It was weird and overwhelming. Maybe I should wear a mask just for my own sense of well-being, I have no idea what I should be doing, I haven't been in a city in like over a decade. I considered getting an orchid, I heard they're actually easier to grow than people make them seem and they're absolutely gorgeous, but I decided I wanted to put off my plant purchases until I could go to like an actual nursery place and talk to someone about what I'm looking to do as a beginner. And so they can give me a rundown on what the specific plants' needs are. But I did get a lot of what I was looking for, namely an LED nightlight for my bathroom which is very helpful because the only light in there is synced with a really loud fan.

And I worked on my hoodie a bit and got really good work done. In fact, fucking I don't care about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, I'm so tired of stressing about this shit. I want to get the rest of my work done on this hoodie, I've wanted to work on it for like 5 days now and I only got to work on it for like an hour and a half today. Like... I was in a stupid fight about a fucking car for longer than I got to do work today. Fucking come on. So yeah, I'm gonna put on some chill music and knock out the rest of that, then go get ready for bed.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

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great-british-soap-off · 2 years

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I've ranted about this many times to friends in person and on other social media. They're all tired of hearing about it so, to my small group of followers who are primarily strangers, let's remember: all content is not created for children.

John Wolfe just released a lovely video about age-restriction flags on YouTube and how that effects creators there. In summary, that video is about how creators who play horror games are experiencing a lot of struggle as videos deemed "too gruesome" or of heavy subject matter are getting flagged, demonetized, and hidden within the algorithm. These algorithms are subject of a totally different rant that we all know so I'll forgo it for the most part.

The thing that I constantly fear and rant about is not just the restrictions this puts on people creatively but the amount of censorship needed to get appease these companies while undermining the people who struggle with certain topics. Trigger warnings are so incredibly important and always appreciated by people who need them for whatever topic. However, ironically, we lose our ability to make trigger warnings whenever the words themself get the media flagged. The term "sexual assault" got flagged so then you had to say "SA" and that has since been flagged. While Tik Tok is the extreme example, I've heard that voiceover only refer to "sex" as "having fun." (Not always the case). People who need to block and filter out these triggers become unable to since the online term is constantly changing. I'm also witnessing language simply about bad things, which do not directly correlate to crimes, get censored to appease these algorithms. Words like Murder, Violence, Stab, Kill, Hurt, etc. or any language referring to both the anatomical term or slang of certain organs. I've seen YouTubers have the blur out clips of people smoking or images of fake blood. Language referring to self-harm, drug abuse, or violence, regardless of context. This is hard for people like me who have struggled from heavy topics like those and find solace while listening to others who have shared similar struggles and share their stories of grief, struggle, and recovery on these platforms.

Obviously, these companies and their algorithms don't like anything about these topics. If your content requires a trigger warning, swears too much, has violent visuals, or whatever else then it is no longer deemed advertiser friendly; so they say at least. Go see an R-Rated sex comedy in theaters, it will be full of misogyny and every -ism in the book. You'll still see a bunch of companies proudly advertising before your movie. This is the internet, almost anything and everything is accessible. Attempting to host media which is safe for anyone's viewing is impossible and also immoral. While a touch irrational, a friend of mine and I always worry that these required censorships will push us back to a state of "puritan-esque" society where we simply do not talk about or show darker topics, but I digress.

When we think of the kids, I always reflect on something writer/director John Waters said in This Filthy World (2006) when he heared about a kid not being allowed to check a book out of a library because he was called too young for the content. I could be misquoting but it was something along the lines of, "If they are old enough to know about it then they're old enough to read it." With the internet especially, kids have access to the most disgusting and vile media. We all remember being 12 and what we accidentally stumbled upon or having our friends, sometimes quite rudely and unwarranted, showing us the most fucked up stuff that they could find. Happily though, we've progressed as a society with trigger warnings and with general teachings of what people could be sensitive too. It makes sense for places like YouTube to not host pronography, they're not a service that hosts porn. It makes sense for FaceBook to not want someone to share images of self harm as what people see on their homepage is effectively randomized and those images are sensitive and of real violence. Their terms of service and regulations are important to stop people from posting sincerly whatever they want visually, but I'll get into that more later. Where it comes into thinking about what the children can see and hear, we begin to lose resources of education. A kid who is lucky enough to have no clue what sexual assault is can learn through media. Hopefully it's responsible media that treats it as a heinous act but maybe they see it in a mini-series online or hear their favorite YouTuber's story and can learn about the physical and emotional impact which that brings. And then they can go ask questions and learn more. Maybe a kid has a family member who struggles with drug addiction and that free short film they found can help them learn about what their family is going through and even offer/research ways to help. Maybe someone is struggling with their mental well-being. Theyre having suicidal thoughts and don't know who to reach out to so they make a post on Facebook about where their head is at while asking for resources to help them through their struggle. Their post goes up but gets virtually erased since no one will see it unless they go straight to the original posters page. People can't learn and can't get proper resources with algorithms and company policies like this.

I guess what I'm getting at is that, strict censorship rules damage narratives in story or film, damage content of video creators, erase the stories of victims, and only move us backwards societally. Trigger Warnings are both responsible and perfectly sufficient when sharing content.

#rant #I'll make a personal account next time

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yutanology · 3 years

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Promise Me | Yandere! Nakamoto Yuta X Fem!Reader

Warning : 18+, possessive, foul behaviours, sexual content(nothing biggie), mental illness, death, etc. No proofread. Please, don't be too harsh on me. I'm still new and this is my first ever one shot/fanfiction here :)

Word count : 2.4k+

"Could you just stop?" Y/n whisper shouted at her seatmate who had been bothering her since this morning.

It's not like this is new to her or to anyone in their class but today, he seemed to be more clingy and touchy than he usually was and she found it quite unusual.

By the time she stepped into the school campus this morning, he abandoned his game with his friends on the soccer field just to greet her with his dashing smile and a nice warm hug.

She didn't mind it at first as she was already used to it but when she thought he's going to leave her alone after that, he followed her around instead like a lost puppy. She could almost see a furry tail happily wagging behind him.

Everywhere she goes, he's there right beside her. Either his hands were holding hers or his arms were wrapped around her lower waist. Some people were jealous or happy when they thought they're finally officially together and when someone questioned their relationship, Y/n would immediately respond saying they're just friends while Yuta would say otherwise, leaving them confused.

He was still attached to her during her classes and even ditched his just to be with her. The teachers could only sigh in defeat and shake their head. They knew that whatever they say, there's nothing they can do to make the stubborn guy follow their orders.

At the end, he'd always get what he wants.

The Japanese boy glanced at her side profile. His head was laying on top of his other hand. Seeing her brows furrowed irritatedly, he stopped for a moment before continuing to twirl a few strands of her silky hair between his long fingers.

It doesn't look like he has any plans of keeping his hands to himself at all. She'd been trying to get rid of him for countless times and she failed with all of those useless attempts. She's so close of getting angry at him but she doesn't want to lash out on him and seem like a bad person.

With her another sigh passing through her soft reddish lips, she looked at the clock on the wall. ‘Just five minutes more, Y/n. Just a little more patience, you can do it.’ she tried to convince herself. By those five minutes, she let Yuta play with her hair.

When the school bells rang and echoed around the campus, she immediately fixed her things and rushed out of the classroom before the teacher could even dismiss them. The corridors are already crowded and she could only hope that Yuta wouldn't be able to follow after her this time.

She decided to go to the restroom and stayed there until she was certain that Yuta's nowhere around her. He's really acting weird and she couldn't understand why. Whenever she asked what's wrong with him, he'd always say the same thing like 'I'm fine. It's all in your mind.’

His gaze, the way he looks at her also felt different this time. She felt something uneasy somewhere in the pit of her stomach or maybe there's something wrong with 𝘩𝘦𝘳. Maybe she's just overthinking way too much since that's what she always do mostly when she doesn't get enough sleep and she stayed up late last night.

That's right... these shit are all just in her head.

She released an exhausted sigh and turned the faucet on to wash her face, hoping that it would also wash her frustrations away. She reached for a handkerchief from her bag and wiped her face dry as she made her way out of the comfort room.

Her heart almost jumped out of her ribs when she found Yuta standing just a single step from the exit. She gasped and her hand immediately flew to her chest in surprise. "Yah! Stop scaring me like that!" she yelled and he only chuckled in amusement.

"I've been waiting for you. What took you so long?" he asked her, locking his hand on hers as he lead her to the canteen. Eyes of the people they passed by were immediately on them like they're more interesting than the lessons that their teachers taught them.

"Wait, why were you waiting for me?" confusion was evident on her face.

"So we can eat together for lunch, of course. Come on, we don't have all the time. Classes are going to start after forty minutes." he casually said, pulling her closer to him when they walked passed a group of boys and he didn't fail to notice the way they looked at Y/n.

He didn't like it, not even a bit.

Y/n seriously couldn't count how many times she sighed at how she always end up letting Yuta do whatever he wanted to do with her. From the simple hand holds to sudden random kisses that he pepper on her face. No matter how hard she tried to push him off, he'd always stick himself even more closer to her.

It was like that for the passed weeks and it was honestly so tiring as hell. Yuta just won't leave her alone even when she goes to the restroom, he would insist to wait outside the cubicle that she had to push him away and lock the main door of the room.

She could barely talk to other people peacefully as he would shoo them away immediately and ask them to leave her alone. It was so frustrating and she's getting fed up of his unexplained foolish practices.

She's well aware that the guy likes her more than just a friend and she also can't deny that she's attracted to him but these behaviours of his are just too much for her.

The said dirty blonde haired Japanese guy was sitting closely beside her, his chin rested on her right shoulder as he watched her turn pages of the book that she's reading. He wasn't paying attention to the words written on the dead leaves. His eyes stared at her small hands, wondering how they would feel like around his cock—

"Yuta." the guy's ears perked up when she said his name. Snaking his arms around her waist, he pulled her to his chest and planted a kiss on her neck. Her cheeks heated at the unexpected skin contact but she tried her best to ignore the butterflies that he's giving her.

She's planning to finally confront him and she had to make him stop whatever he's doing cuz it's no fun at all. It's not entertaining and she's not amused at all. "Yuta." he hummed, his kisses getting wet and he started to graze his teeth on her skin, lightly nibbling on them until he finally bit hard enough to leave a mark.

A whimper tried to escape her mouth but she's fast enough to bite her lower lip, trapping the sound until it disappeared on it's own. He was disappointed when she didn't make any sound for him, thinking that he didn't do well enough to make her feel good so he ran the tip of his tongue on her neck.

His hot minty breath heated her skin and tingles spread around her body when he blew her sensitive ear, nibbling her earlobe and placing a kiss on one of her flushed cheeks. His hands wandered under her blouse, caressing the side of her hips with his thumb.

He slowly dragged his large hands up under her breasts and just when he was about to touch them, Y/n pulled away from him. A low whine and groan simultaneously erupted from him, complaining at the lose of skin contact from her.

Y/n looked around the library if someone saw them and she was thankful that no one was there but only them. She straightened her blouse, closing the book and stood up. "Where are you going?" he also stood up from his seat, ready to follow her wherever she's going.

She didn't answer him. She slung one of her bag's strap on her shoulder, walking away with the book and placed it back to where she took it. Yuta was quick to keep up with her steps, confused of why she was suddenly in a hurry.

When they finally got out of the library, she stopped at the nearby bleachers where students barely pass by and turned to him with an exasperated sigh, "Yuta, seriously, what's wrong with you?" the way she questioned him came out more stressed out than how she wanted it to be.

Yuta blinked his eyes a few times as if he's trying to figure out what she meant. "What do you mean, what's wrong with me? I'm totally fine. Are you okay?" it was his turn to ask her, walked close to her and placed a hand on her forehead.

"Are you sick? You don't seem fine to me. Let me take you to the clinic—"

"Yuta, stop." she stepped away from him before he could even hold her hand. He halted, his brows met as his eyes stared at her worryingly.

"Stop whatever you're doing to me and please, leave me alone. I also need some time for myself and other people around me, alright? You can't keep me from interacting with anyone. This is honestly suffocating, Yuta. We can't keep doing this."

He felt like his heart shattered into tiny pieces. His chest tightened and his airways narrowed, making him unable to breath properly. Without him knowing, tears were already streaming down his cheeks.

Y/n was taken aback at this, immediately feeling guilty for making him cry. She didn't expect him to be this emotional for his appearance.

"Look, I'm sorry but—"

"D-don't you love me anymore, Y/n?" He didn't let her finish her words, leaving her speechless at the question.

Her mouth left agape, struggling to find the right words to tell him. "Did you find someone else better than me that's why you're planning to leave me, is that it?" more salty water poured out of his eyes.

"Yuta, w-what are you talking about? We're not in a relationship to begin with."

"Then let's be together officially! Just you and me, Y/n. I'll do anything just to be with you. I promise, I'll be the best boyfriend you'll ever have. I'll give you everything you want—" he held her arms, "—just promise me I'll be the only one you'll ever love and want to be with. Promise me, Y/n. Promise me!"

Yuta secured his arms around her, holding onto her desperately. Scared that if he lets go, he might lose her. He can't let that happen. Like what he said, he'll do whatever it takes just to have her.

All for himself.

"Y-you have to promise me, Y/n."

Her head was clouded with a lot of thoughts. She was barely thinking straight and her emotions also messed up with her. She really likes Yuta. The increasing speed of her heartbeat and the butterflies flying around her stomach with euphoria whenever she's with him didn't lie at all but it felt wrong.

These feelings didn't feel right.

She pulled herself away from him and shook her head. "I'm sorry, Yuta..." that was all she said before she left him without even looking back at him.

She had no idea how it broke him and how it made him do things that a normal person wouldn't do. He saw nothing but red after she disappeared from his sight. Everyone who tried to touch or talk to her the next day suddenly disappeared, a minute after they left somewhere else.

At first, she didn't think much about it until the number of people disappearing quickly increased and made everyone alarmed. All schools around the place were forced to close for a moment and people were told to stay at home with tight security to keep them safe.

Everyone was scared including Y/n, of course.

It made her so anxious that she could barely sleep at night. One morning, a knock on her door echoed around her silent apartment and she panicked, quickly hiding on her bedroom.

She almost peed her pants in fear when the knocking and ringing of doorbells continued for minutes. Her phone went off on her nightstand and she ran to it. Yuta's calling.

Without a second thought, she answered it with trembling voice. "Y-yuta..."

"Y/n, are you okay? Please open your door for me, I have to make sure you're safe. I'm the one outside your house."

And that was all it took for him to be with her. Make her scared to be outside, convince her that everyone is dangerous and he's the only one who can protect her.

Whenever he goes outside to buy food and other necessities for the both of them, he'd always return with a small cut or bruises and it made Y/n scared that she might lose him too.

He's all she had left.

He made her thought of that. He's all and everything she could ever need. She'd be nothing without him.

"Do you love me?" he asked and she nodded silently.

"If you really do, promise me that you'll love me and only me, Y/n. I wanna hear it from you." Yuta looked at her straight in the eyes when he said those words.

"I promise." his heart raced inside his chest.

A smile stretched out on his plump lips. "I love you, Y/n. So much than you could ever imagine." He meant it. He always had and always will. He leaned his body closer to her, locking his lips with hers and they moved in sync.

This is paradise to him.

He couldn't explain how much happy he's right now. With her here in his arms, it's the only place where she's safe. He watched her drift off to sleep, he kissed her forehead when her eyes finally closed.

He could look at her like this forever. The love bites that he painted on her skin looks so beautiful. She's like the most beautiful painting he'd ever seen and she deserve to be placed on his art gallery but she's only for him to be looked at.

He sighed dreamily as he continued to press more kisses on her neck. He successfully made her love him. There's nothing he could ask for, now that her naked body is already tangled with him under their soft blanket.

He could only hope that she'd keep her words and stay true to him.

Feedbacks are pretty much appreciated and requests are open! Feel free to share your thoughts!

I will not always be active but I will try my best to attend each of your requests and to also interact with y'all.

I apologize for not being word-perfect in English. English sadly ain't for me—

#nct scenarios #nct x reader #yuta nakamoto x reader #yandere #nakamoto yuta #nct nakamoto yuta #nct u #nct 127 #yuta nakamoto #obsessed #posessive

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hadeskitchen · 2 years

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Happy New Year!!

Wishing you all the best as 2022 begins💜

As many other writers have done today, I decided to summarize a bit of what I've done this year and share some of my feelings/thoughts about moving forward.

TLDR: Thank you. You're all lovely. I've got big plans for the new year and feel like I've accomplished a solid amount. I also feel like I'm in a good headspace for the first time in a long time and that's mostly thanks to you all. So, thank you! Here's to a better year!

Full summary, plans, and thoughts under the cut!

So, I found the IF community in early October (see here and here) and since then:

I've written over 42,000 words of Hades' Kitchen material (about 75% is the demo, the rest is research and notes, etc.)

I've written and released Hades' Guide (currently just under 30,000 words), which was a truly terrifying experience since it was the first big writing project I've published

I've grown very comfortable with Twine and learned basic JavaScript and CSS (click here for some insight into how I did that; answer: weirdly)

I made progress on two of my other projects (The "Secret IF" and The Summit)

I've written 288 (now 289) Tumblr posts and recently went through and reorganized, reviewed, and revised all of them (here are some of my personal favorites)

I've written several short stories, many of which shall be released in January (find the released ones here, here, and here)

Made some pinterest boards, picrews, aesthetics, and a kinda weird combined Spotify playlist for the characters (don't worry, individual ones are coming)

Some other more personal accomplishments:

I realized I'm genderfluid (x)

I started therapy

I made some new friends

I finished my semester with high marks

Now here are some of my goals for 2022:

and for once, I'm gonna try to make them "realistic"

Publish the demo for Hades' Kitchen

Publish the demo for Zorlok (aka The Secret IF)

Finish Hades' Guide

Publish a tutorial template (and maybe a style template) for Sugarcube

Participate in Interact-if's game jam, though I'm undecided if I'll do the ranked or unranked jam (Or both? No, remember, Albie, realistic!)

UPDATE: I'm competing in the ranked jam, to learn more about the game or follow it's development, check out the Mousetrap blog!

Release the remaining short stories

Commission an artist to make cast portraits (I have low hopes that I'll do them well myself 😅)

Be kinder to myself and try not to despair and spiral quite so much

I don't think you need me to tell you that 2021 was a really shit year (if you do, wow, I have terrible news...). There were stretches of time that I really struggled to get through, where my depression, anxiety, and/or apathy felt overwhelming and all-consuming. But in spite of all that - and despite everything that was 2021 - for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm leaving this year in a better mental position than I was entering it, and I honestly owe a lot of that to you.

Discovering the IF community has drastically improved my mental health/quality of life and I genuinely don't know how to convey just how thankful I am for that. I feel so lucky. Everyone I've interacted with on here has been so lovely and kind and I never would have dreamed that there'd be so much support for my creative projects. Thank you (yes, I know I'm a broken record at this point, but my gratitude cannot and will not be stopped). I look forward to creating more content for and with you, seeing everyone's incredible work, and getting to know even more people.

So, here's to a new year!! (I think it's our turn to kick its ass 😁)

#happy new year!#thank you #hk demo #hades kitchen #zorlok demo #zorlok #the secret if #hades guide #review #update #albie's corner

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thatsgay-writes · 3 years

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Day 16

"Here they are, the brave young women whose tale of struggle and survival has gripped the nation." The host says as she sends the camera a smile. "The unsinkable nine, as we have come to know them. Ladies, you must have dreamed of coming home for so long. Now that you're here, what do you wanna do most?" She questions as she turns towards you and your friends. "Honestly, smoke about a hundred cigs, you know? Like, really rip through a carton or two." Dot starts as she leans forwards on the couch. The host gives her a slightly awkward smile, "Okay. How about the rest of you?"

"I don't know; Maybe hit up the OG for a never-ending pasta bowl and just... I don't know... Get back to our real lives." Toni says next followed by Nora. "I'd like to read the Odyssey again, rather than, like, live it." She jokes awkwardly, causing some of the girls to laugh in response. "Leah, what about you?" "Oh, um, I just wanna reconnect with certain people... People who may have been worried and-or felt like we had unfinished business. And if that person is watching right now, I just wanna say that I did not not miss you every day." You cringe at Leah's little monologue, still not feeling 100% about her after her fight with Shelby.

"My turn, Brooke, and I've got a nice, straight answer for you. I'm going to fuck the rowdiest guy with the biggest dick as soon as I fucking can." Fatin says, causing everyone to pause the fantasy you all shared and look at Fatin. Fatin turned to look at you, since you were at the end of the couch, and you couldn't contain your laugh. "Holy shit!" You belt out as you roll onto your side, "I don't think you can say that." You tell her after you finally catch your breathe. Fatin rolls her eyes, "Okay, make it more media-friendly. I am going to fornicate with the healthiest penis I can find ASAP." You let out a laugh at her newly formed answer.

After that, Dot changed her answer and Fatin got on Leah for her "emo shit show" answer and how Romeo's would be in everyone's DM's, before they finally started cheering over the fact that there was a chance to return home. "We're going home, bitches!" Martha yells as she holds up the bottle of vodka, causing all the other girls to cheer. You go to celebrate with them but notice how Shelby stays silent and slowly pulls away from the group. You watch her go, debating if you should follow her, as Toni helps you stand. Her face holds a large smile that slowly falls as she notices how distracted you are and that Shelby was walking away.

Ever since kissing Shelby, Toni had been confused on her feelings between the both of you. She had loved you for years but Shelby just had something so attracting about her. Unknown to her, you were having the same thoughts. "I'll, um... I'll be right back." You say as you pat Toni's hands that were still holding your own after helping you up. Toni just nods her head as you hop away after Shelby.

---

"You don't seem very excited..." You try and joke as you hop around the rock Shelby was sitting on, closing your mouth as soon as you see how sad she looks. You fidget nervously for a few seconds as Shelby doesn't respond to your presence. You let out a deep breathe before sitting down next to Shelby on the rock. "Are you okay?" You ask as you slowly reach out your hand to grabs hers. You move slowly so she has enough time to pull away but she doesn't. When you tangle your fingers with Shelby's, she finally reacts some and turns her head to look at you. She opens and closes her mouth a few times wanting to say something, but ultimately ends up closing it and shaking her head. You let out a sigh but nod your head. You lean forwards and cup one of her cheeks, giving her a quick kiss on the other one. Your face gains a small smile as you notice Shelby blush, "I'll leave you to your thoughts... If you ever need someone to vent to or a shoulder to lean on I'll be here." You tell her as you slowly stand up and start hopping back towards to other girls, missing how Shelby stared after you longingly.

---

As you get closer to the other girls, you smile as you hear them all laughing and joking around. "Oh, Martha, you're gonna be trippin motherfucking balls dude." You hear Fatin say as you finally reach the group and collapse next to Toni. Hopping around was not fun and you were going to need to find a walking stick or something soon. "And she won't be alone." Rachel says as she holds her hand out towards Fatin. Taking what looks to be a bag of gummy bears? You nudge Toni with your shoulder and send her a questioning look. "Martha ate edibles." She whispered to you before turning back to the group and reaching for the bag. You covered your mouth in shock and laughed at the fact that Martha, sweet and innocent Martha, ate edibles. "You want one y/n?" Toni asks as she holds one out towards you. You think about it for a second. Your doctors back at home would probably advise you not to get high but you had been feeling fine the past few days. "Why not." You answer as you take the gummy bear from Toni and pop it into your mouth.

---

"Marcus!?" You hear Martha yell out for the 5th time as almost everyone laid on the beach, high out of their minds. The only ones not laying down were Fatin, who looked like she was meditating, Shelby, who still hadn't returned from the rock, and you, who had taken a seat on Toni's back and kept tracing out random letters and shapes on her back. "I'm so fucking blissed out. Not even from the gummies, just from the thought that in 48 hours I can have an orgasm." Was the first thing Fatin had said in an hour, causing you to giggle and almost fall off of Toni's back. Unlike Toni, who always got more relaxed when she was high, you got more giggly, enthusiastic, and talkative. You being high rivaled Shelby's whole "Who wants to play an ice breaker?" persona.

"Wait? You haven't like self-induced?" Leah asks, seriously but still with a playful tone. "No, I can't do it with my hands actually. I have this weird cello-vibrato PTSD. It's a whole thing." Fatin responds, breezing over the subject. "So your electric toothbrush hasn't seen any action?" Dot asks causing you to laugh more and add on, "I mean we all kind of assumed." You send a wink Fatin's way before turning your attention back to Toni's back, effectively spacing out on the conversation.

When you do focus back onto everyone, it's from Toni tapping your thigh to get you to get up. "Huh?" "C'mon we're gonna go play in the water." Instead of standing up and hopping your way towards the ocean, you just roll of Toni's back and lay on your back in the sand. "I'm good... I think I'm just gonna lie here." Toni gives you a questioning look but you just push her thigh towards the water. "I'll be fineeeee, go have funnnnn." Toni rolls her eyes as you purposefully draw out words and follows the rest of the girls into the water.

You could hear the girls from where you laid, all of them letting out screams and laughs of joy. You would have joined but hopping around on one leg isn't fun and tired you out pretty quickly. You rolled onto your side once the sun felt too hot on your face and you noticed that Shelby hadn't joined in on the fun either. You contemplated going up to her and trying to talk to her or give her more space, but went with the first choice. If she had rejoined the group than maybe she would want some company now.

---

"Not a fan of the water?" You ask as you let yourself collapse next to Shelby, taking note how she now had the bottle of vodka and it had a less in it than it did before. "I... Um..." Shelby stuttered out as she purposefully did not make eye contact with you. "It's fine." You say with a shrug and lay on your side. "No need to talk, just relax." You say as you suddenly get hype fixated on making shapes and letters on her back. Missing the way she tensed up before finally relaxing. You spaced out again from what was going on, a common thing that happened when you were high.

---

The rest of the day blew by as everyone did their own thing. Nora and Rachel went off talked somewhere, you noticed that Toni and Shelby got into a argument, and you just chilled around with Fatin, Dot, and Leah, while Martha decided to adventure into the woods. "Guys! Guys! Guess what I just saw!?" Martha yells as she runs over the hill and back towards the group. "I just saw Marcus and he's alive!" She yells out, out of breath, causing everyone to laugh at how ridiculous she sounded. "No, guys, I'm being serious!" Martha defends and grabs the nearest person to her, Dot, and starts dragging her along. "C'mon, he's in the woods." Dot turns to give the group and exasperated look but you all decide to follow along.

You had your arm wrapped around Toni as you all journeyed through the woods. You had tried to get out of going, but Martha wanted everyone to go with her. "You're just saying that he, like, fucking pinocchio'd?" Dot asks, having not stopped laughing or joking about the situation since you all headed into the woods. "Yes. That is exactly what I am saying." Martha says in relief, missing that fact that Dot was still making fun of her. "He turned into a real boy." She finishes as you and Toni see Marcus... Who is still as fake as he was the day he was found. "I don't know, he kinda looks the same to me." Toni says as you release her arm so she can pick up Marcus. "Hey! My leg!" You say excitedly as you notice it laying under Marcus. When Fatin goes to kiss Marcus, you kiss your leg. It was all fun and games until Leah had to mention the fact that Marcus and your leg had been swept away but suddenly ended up in the middle of the forest. You had thought the same thing but hoped to just ignore that fact. "Leah. We're mellow. We're leaving."

---

"Oh Shelby, you love America so much. USA! USA!" Martha cheers, trying to get Shelby to join her but the other girl is completely zoned out. "Is she okay?" You and Toni ask at the same time. Both of you sharing an awkward look with each other, neither of you had told the other about your own kiss with Shelby. Luckily, Fatin isn't stuck in an unknown love triangle and walks over to Shelby. You all watch as Shelby starts to brush her hair, it seems to stay tangled no matter what she does. Until the brush gets stuck in her hair. Fatin attempts to help her but Shelby goes into full freak out mode. "It's all ruined." She says as she grabs the scissors out of Fatin's bag. Fatin attempts to stop her but Shelby was inconsolable.

"I don't' fucking want it! I don't want it!"

#the wilds #the wilds x reader #shoni #shoni x reader #toni x reader #shelby x reader #toni shalifoe x shelby goodkind #toni x shelby #toni shalifoe x reader #shelby goodkind x reader

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eirikrjs · 2 years

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while chaos was isolationist and nationalistic and literally advocating for survival of the fittest lol this time they tried to shake things up with chaos advocating for co-existence alas with a catch of being nihilistic take that it will only bring conflict and war and you have law that taking you traditional chaos instance in a big brain move of chaos for law and going against law itself for law

Not gonna lie, it took me a few tries to understand this. Not because your words didn't make sense but because... I dunno, I think there's just something about Shin Megami Tensei V that's still frying my brain. Or at least I'm seeing people read all this amazing stuff into the game's story and I just wonder "was I paying enough attention?" Do I need to play the game again? How can a story so commonly seen as ineffective also contain easily missed and significant subtext? Etc.

SMT5 somehow became a Rorschach blot and the interpretations generated have honestly been the most interesting thing about it. Problem is, from my perspective, some of these more grandiose interpretations just seem to be in reaction to criticisms of the story. Hence "SMT never was about story" defensive nonsense. But "actually, SMT5 has a great, deep story and you didn't understand it" is just the other side of the same coin.

But people getting defensive over something they like is nothing new. I guess it just feels louder because the SMT community is relatively small and SMT5 still relatively new. This blog will be TEN (10!) years old this December and these knee-jerk whataboutisms at criticism are something I've experienced many times before. It's part of the process of processing. (BTW, SMT5's characters being bad doesn't magically make the flaws of SMT4's slightly less paper-thin caricatures disappear!)

For example, it's now three months after release and the most recent notable event, SimplyDad's SMT5 review, has only emphasized the fractures and factions in the community. He didn't say anything that hasn't been said since day one but apparently "opinions are just opinions" (i.e., ignore opinions you disagree with) isn't a valid phrase anymore. Clashing perspectives are inevitable but the discourse surrounding SMT5, taken as a whole, is more like a grand confusion or bewilderment.

So that leaves me and my niche here. I still haven't been all that enthused to talk about SMT5 topics and sometimes find myself struggling to type up responses. I still have to agree with my initial assessment after playing that the game simply isn't interesting. This is a new phenomenon. SMT4A is the worse game but it was filled with stuff to talk about for YEARS. You know, maybe there is a kernel of truth to the idea that SMT5 is critiquing forms of government or the traditional alignments themselves, but I don't find either particularly engaging.

Doesn't mean I'm not going to answer asks about the game, just that sometimes... I need some fresh air.

#smt5

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chiefbeifongcanrailme · 3 years

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Birthday countdown

Linzin - switched bending / elements

Okay so officially now, it's birthday week! I've started receiving my presents too! Enjoy, 7 days to go!🎂

"You are the last Airbender now. Trust in the universe and it'll all work out."

The Avatar's voice echoed as he took his last breath in his wife's arms. Katara was a mess, Tenzin left the room in tears, Bumi was holding Kya, and Lin? Lin just sat there.

It was unimaginable. Lin was officially the last Airbender.

How did that happen? What she liked to call an ugly twist of fate, the spirits called a fun game of swapping destinies.

And now her issues seemed so meager. Watching him struggle to bend the earth to his will while she could just flow away with the wind. As if Airbending was second nature to her and Earthbending was beyond alien to Tenzin.

She had a legacy to bring forward, but it wasn't hers to carry on. It was Tenzin's. Her Tenzin, her boyfriend who was burdened by this responsibility until the spirits decided to play this cruel game of switcheroo.

All he had to do was master his element, maybe protect the city from silly bad guys, but that was it. The Beifong legacy didn't ask for much and yet, there she was making his life even harder before the switch.

Even though Avatar Aang's legacy had been seemingly split in two between Lin and Tenzin the major burden fell upon the former. They'd decided that Lin was going to take on the noble Beifong legacy and bring back the air nation- since she was the only one capable of doing so, while Tenzin would- well Tenzin had nothing but education to impart among the acolytes. That was all he could do with his share of the legacy.

Of course, now Lin was in a mess. She was literally walking a mile in Tenzin's footsteps. She didn't know where to begin, let alone plan a future. While walking a mile in another's shoe may even work for a former Earthbender, swimming in another's trunks, not so much, because she felt as like she was drowning. It was like she was deep in a tunnel of water with no light at the end or oxygen dissolved for breathing. But drowning in it wasn't an option. All she could do was float and suffocate until...

She sought out Tenzin one night, he was distraught beyond measure, and yet, because it was Lin, he gave her an audience. She asked him the how, the why, and the whats to questions she still couldn't frame. Instead, they ended up holding each other on the bed and crying their miseries into the other's shoulders.

She wanted to know how he would do this, had the legacy not have been split in two. Had he continued being the airbender and her the earthbender. How they could be together and work these issues out. Turns out, he didn't know. He'd never want to find out because any choice he made would lead to sacrificing something he didn't want to.

While not many words were exchanged through the night, what Tenzin said stuck with her. In the end, he would have had to let go of something. But she loved the man too much to let him go through with it, so she was going to do it herself.

Instead of continuing to choke and float, Lin chose to drown that night. And there it was, the light, the end- everything was near. But why were her lungs still grappling for air? The fight was over and yet there was this scrimmage inside her body? Despite herself, she fumbled and scrambled for air. For anything to take her and either suck her in or pull her out.

She was just about to lose consciousness when she felt some air thrust her out. She was levitating under water until her body touched the surface.

Her eyes jerked open and she sat up, wet. She ran her hands over her arms and started to collect her surroundings. It was quiet, it was dark, she was in bed. She realized her clothes were drenched from sweat. She reached out to bend something- whatever she could, air, earth anything, and the metallic toy warped its shape on the table. She exhaled a long sigh of release, finally catching her breath.

She soon realized that Tenzin was seated beside her, he looked spooked. She turned towards him and he pulled her into his arms and started kissing the top of her head.

"You're okay, Lin. It was just a dream. I'm right here." He whispered repeatedly against her hair.

"Yes." Was all her voice could manage.

"Yes, Lin. You're fine." He repeated once again before pulling her face up to his.

"No, I meant- I mean yes." She replied into his beard breathlessly.

"Yes, what, Lin?" He asked, rubbing her back.

"Yes, I'll marry you. All we can do is try. I don't want you to make sacrifices." She mumbled as if she had rotely learned this.

"Lin? You don't have to-"

"Your dad said so. It'll all work out in the end. We'll make sacrifices together if we have to. I just don't want to lose you." She pleaded into his chest.

Tenzin pulled her closer and kissed her temple, "I love you." He knew she was frazzled, she'd woken up from a tumultuous nightmare. As he was watching her he'd felt guilty for proposing that evening. As if asking had stressed her out even more.

But Aang spoke to her- somehow. He was grateful for his father looking out for him even now. "Thank you." He whispered to wherever the only other tattooed man he'd known was.

He continued kissing Lin's cheeks and rubbing her back until her breathing evened and she settled down in his arms.

"I love you, Tenzin." She whispered into his chest before sleep consumed her.

#linzin #lin beifong #tenzin #legend of korra #linzin fanfic #chief beifong #linzin prompt #hbd kat

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my-writings-and-musings · 3 years

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Firstly, I've just been dying to tell you I love your writting x3 it's absolutely fantastic! My favorite is the young liason ones. I think they're just the cutest! Would it be alright if I requested Fortress Maximus and Brainstorm for that? Please take all the time you need, and I hope you have an awesome day! You rock :D

Awww thanks a million!! I do strive to provide the cuteness, and I shall do so here! I'll also link the past Liaison posts for those who haven't read them yet!

Part One: Here!

Part Two: Here!

Part Three: Here!

Part Four: Here!

Part Five: You're Here!

(I've already done Fort Max in part four but I just couldn't help doing him again with a different setup.)

Fortress Maximus

·Stuck in his cell after his "incident", he's unaware of the liaison program when it initially begins, and is thus clueless of what goes on beyond his tiny space in the dark. Amongst the crew, the young humans quickly learn of the ship's considerable history in its short run, including the hostage situation that nearly cost them their beloved psychiatrist. The humans are shocked by the details, but none more so than the news the bot responsible is jailed up in the depths of the ship. All at once, they begin to question such a practice; wasn't this poor bot just acting out of pain? Hasn't his victim recovered and forgiven him? Being told that Fort Max is too dangerous to risk does nothing to dissuade them, and thanks to their youth, the gathered group soon hatches a plan to see something for themselves.

·As one might expect, Fort Max is beyond surprised when he's awoken at night by a number of very tiny visitors to his cell, and is shocked to see that they're all human! Autobot training kicking in, he's immediately concerned for their safety and gets on his knees to encourage them to leave. Lots of these prisoners are dangerous! To top off his shock, the humans say they're not lost and are there for him. They explain the new program with the Lost Light, how they heard his story, and how they're all here now to see him. For an instant Fort Max is speechless, because these tiny humans have just done more for him than the entire Autobot cause ever did. It takes more willpower than he cares to admit not to let his voice crack.

·Despite all of his assurance to the liaisons that what he did was wrong, and that he deserves to face punishment, they hear none of it. Even urging them to leave and stay on the safe parts of the ship go unheeded. They've decided that they like him and don't want him to be lonely. It's incredibly selfish, but he can't bring himself to deny the comfort their company brings him. Every night, with stealth granted by their tiny size, they visit him for as long as they can. Some bring games and entertainment from earth to share with him, and in time he gives up trying to convince them to stop, finding each one of them to be a treasure he just can't give up.

·It's mostly by bad luck they're eventually caught. Ultra Magnus just so happened to be conducting a late night inspection when he came across all the liaisons gathered about the supposedly deadly Fortress Maximus in what appeared to be a slumber party. The former Enforcer had immediately called for back up and demanded the children be released, not backing down when they all made the baffling move to clamor between the cell bars and shield the gigantic Autobot with their tiny frames. No amount of explaining the big bots potential danger could make them leave. Eventually Rung himself had to be summoned to mediate, and at the sight of Fort Max so carefully cradling his friends and begging that any punishment only come to him so they would be spared... The psychiatrist happily declared there was no need for such caution.

·Put on the spot, Ultra Magnus had decided to allow a partial commutation of the bots sentence. Though he's under watch and isn't permitted to have weapons, he's allowed to have his own room and far greater range of the ship, but under supervision. The liaisons accept only after Max does. In no time they're helping him settle into his room, bringing him housewarming gifts, and coming over as often as possible to visit. It almost doesn't feel real to the poor bot. In an almost comical turn of events he's been freed and has gone from loneliness to being surrounded by tiny, loving friends. Even Rung visits from time to time, joining in on the fun and making it clear he holds no ill will towards the big bot for anything that happened. As they all gather for another movie night together, it occurs to him that his painful past has never felt so far away, and for the first time in so long he feels ready for the future.

Brainstorm

·Ever the on the move genius, his curiosity had been piqued the instant he heard humans were going to be on the ship, as a new species is always a fascinating opportunity. He's not all dissapointed by the gaggle of bright eyed youngsters when he finally meets them. Their tour of the ship is quickly guided to his workshop, and in no time he's showing them all the fun ways he's breaking physics or on the cusp of doing so. Pretty soon the rest of the tour is delayed so they can see absolutely everything he's working on. Brainstorm finds their attitude of "science just because" to be monumentally refreshing in the wake of his occasionally stiff crewmembers. Why does he need a reason to experiment on certain things? Sometimes it's fun and invigorating to just invent something because you can!

·As he finds them incredibly motivating and they love helping however he can, he quickly gives each human permission to accompany him as his assistants. With their unique human perspective, he finds himself seeking out ideas that could benefit them directly, whether it's purely for their entertainment or for more practical purposes. Their need for "food" in particular offers a great deal of potential. He's not foolish about it, of course! These little guys are delicate! But if he can make delicious meals that can be stored easily and prepared instantly, why not? Humans need to eat multiple times every single day, why not make it easier and more fun! The hardest part proves to be getting them not to explode...

·The liaisons come to love the incredible energy he brings to every single experiment, and the feeling is mutual. Even if he doesn't understand the references to "Bill Nye" or other such things, he happily allows the humans to take selfies as he works. Spreading the word to their fellows on earth can only help their species catch up, after all. In time though, he starts to socialize with the group outside of his workshop, even bringing them to Swerve's with him to introduce them to all his friends. They stick to him the entire time even though their enthusiasm proves popular with every bot on the ship. Having often struggled to fit in, he finds the feeling of belongings refreshing in ways he never could have anticipated it might be. He'd protect each and every liaison with his life.

·It's quite unexpected when somebot brings up his... stunt, with the briefcase. He'd been so happy for once that his failures had simply... not registered. Thus, he's caught off guard when the humans start asking baffled questions. It's all he can do to mumble an excuse and leave, the confusion in their bright eyes burning into the core of his spark. So many instances of them looking up at him with respect and excitement now seem far more precious, because there's no way they'll ever want to be around him again. Now they know he isn't just the ship's eccentric scientist, and that at his most desperate he tore time and space apart... In hindsight, how could he have allowed himself to forget? He's dangerous, and the liaisons should have been kept distant to begin with... Humans are far too delicate to risk anything happening, and he never would have forgiven himself for allowing harm to come to them.

·Unbeknownst to Brainstorm, the entire group was far from aghast at his actions. If anything, they were heartbroken for his sake. To have been so desperate he'd happily tried to erase himself from existence, in part to save a bot he loved... They want at least to talk to him. Using skills he taught them, they hack past the gridlock on his workshop, and the scientist is shocked by their effort. Before he can say a word they're surrounding him and offering the most effusive of reasurances, particularly regarding how they never want to lose their beloved science bot, and he takes it upon himself to comfort the crying group with a promise he's not going anywhere. In an instant, something becomes incredibly clear to him; these little beings care about him. They don't want him to leave. Trying not to cry himself, he assures the group that he's long since learned his lesson. There's plenty of wonderful things in the present to stick around for.

#transformers #maccadam #mtmte #more than meets the eye #lost light imagine #lostlight #lost light #ll #idw #tf #liaisons #fortress maximus #fort max #brainstorm #human reader #self insert

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downwiththemutantnjnjaturtles · 3 years

Text

We Met Within This Screen (chapt. 2)

[Donnie x fem reader]

Sfw, part 1 here

Intellectually, Donnie was the best matchup for their leader as today was sparring day. He'd gone against his oldest brother many times, sometimes even coming out the victor himself, but today was just not his day.

He held his staff with that iron grip of his and waited for Leo to come at him. Donnie was more on the defensive than any of his brothers; he had to be. Out of all he was weakest physically but superior in calculations, but he was missing range in this matchup. Leo had a hard time disarming him as his katana could sometimes get lodged in the solid wood staff, giving Donnie leverage to perform the finisher in the short time it took him to dislodge his sword. He thought this time would be how that would happen.

"You're slow today, Donnie," Leo said as he lunged at his brother with a swing of his katana, forcing Donnie to step back. He was too focused on blocking Leo's rapid succession of attacks to respond.

Leo reeled back to swing his blade again but Donnie parried and struck his arm with his staff, shoving it aside. For a split second, Leo actually thought he was fixing to go down by this move if Donnie could hit him again quick enough. But his brother hesitated in thought, and without any reluctance himself, he used his other katana to put him in a compromising position. The match was over and Donnie was forced to stand down.

"Why did you hesitate?" Leo questioned him, lowering his blade. Raph watched from the sidelines with Mikey as they prepared to go up next. Since Leo was the winner, it was Raph's turn next to spar in his younger brother's place.

Donnie huffed and dropped his stance, putting his staff away. "It's just an off day," he replied. Splinter wasn't there to dictate today's training session and tournament, so Donnie was already on his way out to go to his lab by the time Raph stepped up to spar. But Leo sheathed his sword and put a hand on Donnie's shoulder, stopping him in his tracks.

"You've been pretty eager to run back to your lab lately," Leo said matter-of-factly. He was wondering what was going on, why Donnie seemed weirdly distant the last couple of weeks. He had gone through a very withdrawn phase in earlier times upon entering his teenage years, but now, he was legitimately making everyone guess. He didn't snap at his brothers, and he wasn't any more impatient than usual. But something was different. He'd been spending a lot more time holed up in his lab, which everyone began to notice. Leo wanted to know what was wrong.

Donnie shifted and shrugged, "Like I said, I've been busy with some projects. Also, it's not like I have much to do out here beside training and patrol."

Leo opened his mouth to speak, but Mikey jumped on between them. "You missed game night last week! You never miss it," he butted in. Both Donnie and Leo gave him a look as if to say really? and he added in, "Well, uh...not usually."

Gently moving Mikey aside, Leo wanted to continue, but he saw Donnie staring at him expecting a follow-up when he didn't really have one. Whatever this was, Leo knew that coming at Donnie with questions was not the way to go about it. So he stepped back and gave his brother some space.

"We all have off days," Leo said finally after an awkward moment of silence. "Just work on your speed, Don."

"Got it."

With that, Donnie turned to leave, and Raph entered the ring to go against Leo in the last match of the night.

Once Donnie was gone, Leo got ready to spar with Raph. As they got into position, he contemplated bringing this recent development up with the other two, but decided against it in the end. He didn't want to incriminate Donnie, especially with Raph's assertive approach to handling things. Donnie could be somewhat flighty at times when it came to resolving matters of emotion, at times a little too introspective, but Leo couldn't fault him—he had his own struggles with that very thing, too.

Done, finally, Donnie thought as he skirted into his lab and started up the game. He was late to the party quite literally; training lasted longer than he'd thought, and he was disappointed to see that his newest friend was online, but not responding to his invite. Did everyone get together and play without him? After a few minutes, he almost decided on giving up. The instance made him contemplate whether he even wanted to continue this. Perhaps he'd been too eager.

He sighed. And then the menu pinged, and he was there reading the message in an instant.

Hey, sorry I partied up without you, I just didn't know if you were gonna be on or not :/

Without even thinking, he licked his lips typed back, repeatedly deleting and retyping his message to make sure it was casual but not too casual, apologetic but not desperate—

It's okay, don't worry about it

Likewise sorry it took me so long to get here.

That would do. He'd be lying to say he wasn't feeling that flutter in his stomach; the excitement of something new got to him in a way that only a discovery in his research did, or how he felt when he mastered a new technique in his training.

Let's get started then :)

They started the game, and this time he kept the mic on, as she did. They talked back and forth as they fought creatures and enemies and looted things, eventually coming to learn that she herself was in New York City. He was surprised; suddenly, the world felt a lot smaller, and he couldn't concentrate on just playing after that. The time they spent became more of an opportunity to converse than to play a mundane game for hours on end.

At some point, she switched the topic to his whereabouts. Donnie's breath hitched.

"I'm...not anywhere near. So it doesn't really matter," he told her, cringing. If the guys found out—if Splinter found out—he would be in such trouble.

"Oh," she paused for a moment, trying to find something to say. "That's alright, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me, you know?"

He'd muted his mic to release a deep breath. He got lost in thought thinking about how in that moment, he wanted to be human. If he weren't a giant mutant turtle, he could actually form a connection with someone. It was a very "Mikey" thing to think, he reckoned, but at times he wanted friends just like his brother did.

"Yeah, sorry, I just…"

"It's really no problem, dude."

He felt as though he could hear the smile in her voice. What did she look like, he wondered. He wanted to see her, but he couldn't ask for that when he could never do the same. If he could get her name, he'd be in the clear to do some preliminary lookups on this person, but so far, she'd been dodgy about sharing info about herself as well. He couldn't blame her. They were two strangers online, one with a huge secret and the other completely in the dark about who he truly was. For all she knew, he could have been a creep, looking to stalk her online and perhaps do even worse. The thought made him feel almost nauseous, how she could be considering that about him as a possibility as they spoke. But she seemed comfortable enough. Unlike him, who was still slightly skeptical of the entire thing, because after spending his whole life in practical isolation, he was at a loss as to what to say or do after a certain point. The conversation died off and both of them thought simultaneously about how weird the sudden silence between them felt.

She hummed, as if searching for something to bring up. When she spoke, he was taken aback—"Hey, I'm gonna be honest, I really like talking to you but this game is getting boring. Do you wanna chat somewhere else?"

"Uh…" he trailed off, mind shooting blanks. Oh, was it just a horrible idea. He couldn't keep the jig up forever; the truth was bound to get revealed somewhere down the line. He was fixing to reject the proposition, tell her that he didn't want to take it that far. She could be anyone. The likelihood of it being a clever ruse on account of the Foot Clan was slim, but the paranoia still worked ambiently in the background noise of his mind. But his other doubt stopped him—when would he ever have a chance at this again? He wanted to have the strength to say no and leave it at that. The loneliness that crept up on him from time to time had something else to say.

"Yeah," he answered after a terribly long pause of mumbling, fighting with himself all the way as she told him where to add her. He could have kicked himself had it not been for the fact that he knew how to encrypt data, and that as long as he didn't leak a word about his inner circle or life, it would be okay. It didn't feel okay, though.

"Nice! I'll text you, see you later, Bo. I had a lot of fun tonight," she chirped.

Before he could respond, she was gone from the party, and the mic went silent. It happened so fast. He was barely caught up with the fact that he was now receiving messages and prompts to talk, but he couldn't bring himself to answer right away. He had to refocus his logic; how could this be used by the enemy as a way to get to them? Could they have somehow anticipated he'd download this game and find this random on there? The more the thought about it, the more glaringly obvious it was that it was not the case. It was just too improbable.

"The probability of the Foot being able to simulate such a specific scenario in order to get intel on us is so slim, it is practically non-existent," he told himself as he finally pulled up the messages. He read through them. "Approximately a zero-point-zero-zero-zero..."

My name is (Y/N), by the way :)

Well, that was easier than expected. He figured that somehow, the name suited you—a fitting name for such a personality. But it also gave him a glimmer of hope. It made him want to ask why you appeared to trust him, as he could be anyone on the Earth over the screen, not his benevolent self. Which she had no way of proving, technically. But he soon came to realize the screen painted him in a whole new light that it casted on him. It hit then that he could be anyone. He didn't have to be himself; not necessarily. She'd never have to know, as he could wear a human mask and she'd be none the wiser. Problem was, the lying made him feel guilty, and slowly would develop to be the thorn in his side.

Donnie thoughtfully stared at the screen. Now that he was here, some of his anxiety began to fade. He found himself actually able to talk, someone to listen to his tangents and even build upon them. They spent hours texting back and forth about anything and everything until it was almost time for him to put the phone down to leave for patrol. He felt giddy, like a kid, all over again.

________________________________________

Had you ever been able to talk to someone this easily?

You asked yourself that question as you exchanged with the faceless and nameless stranger over your screen, chatting from afternoon to night. Time flew by in an instant, with him, and you loved every minute. He was someone intellectual, but funny and so easy to talk to that it was as though the conversation carried itself. After some time he came out about his age after you revealed yours. Oftentimes, he'd just present to you a random question when the subject tapered off and run with it, like now:

What do you think of reptiles?

Puzzled, you took a second to reply. Odd question.

Why do you ask? Do you have one?

I was just curious

What do you think of them?

The chat indicator flip-flopped between "typing" and "idle" a few times before a message finally popped up, and you smiled. You'd learned over this short time that he was a dork in a cute way.

Well...I think they're pretty cool.

They've got natural armor and you would be surprised to know just how fast a turtle can be

You laughed a little to yourself. It was such a random thing to bring up, yet you were endeared. Deciding you'd go along with it, you asked him what else he knew about turtles.

Well...

__________________________________________________

Donnie was wondering what he was talking about just as much as she probably was. Stupid, he thought, facepalming. His first time really speaking with a human as an equal and he starts talking about turtles. Of course he knew a lot about them, he was one himself—but for some reason he found himself wanting to dispel myths and misunderstandings about turtles as if they reflected on him, when as far as she knew, he was just a human guy like herself.

He groaned lightly and typed, thinking up a fact that wasn't too conspicuous.

Red eared sliders are semi-aquatic.

As he typed the next part, he caught himself writing "we" instead of "they", to his dismay. He quickly fixed the error and continued, feeling weirdly exposed as it was almost as though in sharing this information, he was putting himself under a microscope for her to inspect.

They can hold their breath for up to thirty minutes, usually

Holding his breath was something he'd tested numerous times before. He and his brothers had actually made a game out of it on a few occasions, with Leo leading at thirty-three minutes, Donnie in second at thirty-one. Raph broke at twenty-nine minutes and Mikey followed behind in last at just twenty-seven. The ability could be trained, nonetheless.

That's interesting, I wonder what it's like to be able to go underwater so long?

It's kind of cool, you should try sometime

For THIRTY MINUTES?

Shit. He promptly replied:

No—not like I can hold my breath that long, I just mean you should try to see sometime I guess

I tested it just for the fun of it.

Looking up how long humans could hold their breath on average (between thirty seconds and two minutes), he bumped the number up a little bit and added:

Personally, I'm at two minutes and forty-five seconds

He was embarrassed, partially covering his face as he waited for a response. Such a foolish slip-up; he couldn't afford to say anything cryptic. But he still was fairly sure that he had recovered that alright. He couldn't help but think about how awkward or weird he seemed to her. Who talked about this?

I don't think I could hold my breath for more than a minute, kudos to you haha

Anyway, sorry to switch gears all of a sudden but if you don't mind me asking, what's up with your family? You have any siblings?

He told her no. He would not bring his brothers into this, lest it be the slim chance of a ploy, after all. He said his family situation was unconventional and left it at that.

With that, he said to her goodnight and put his phone away, getting up to go get geared for patrol. It was only then he noticed the figure leaning against the doorway.

Chapter 3

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