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#after you get through your active suicidal episode

theetherealbloom · 1 year

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UNEVEN ODDS - CH. 6

Chapter Six: I Swear A Million Times To Hold You Just The Way You Like

Summary: The Reader is dragged into the Last of Us universe and has no choice but to watch the events unfold or will she be able to change what was already written?

Paring: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader

Warnings: SMUT SMUT SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER AHH, (besties wrap it up!) Lowkey this chapter was poorly edited so sorry! Age-gap Romance, Violence, ANGST, Swearing, Suicide, FLUFF, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Crying, Suggestive content, the pandemic, character death, INFECTED, MY SCIENCE IS WONKY, probable plot holes, rusty writing, TLOU is dark please read at your own risk! (MINORS, please run away :,)

Word Count: 17.3k (I hope this makes up for the delay my bad)

A/N: HELLAUR HOOMANS! Thank you again for all the love and support you have given me for this series! I truly appreciate you all for being here <3 This chapter and episode feels a little bit personal to write since I am someone who also has PTSD, so when I watched Pedro’s performance during those difficult panic attack scenes, I truly felt represented and seen. For me, my PTSD is subtle and not overly loud or noticeable at first glance, so when I saw it being portrayed that way I started ugly crying pls--

Song: Sweet Disaster by Oh Wonder

Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter | Series Masterlist

TLOU WORLD – 2023

THREE MONTHS LATER…

WYOMING WILDERNESS, HEADING WEST – DAY

It’s been three months since the incident, and neither of you spoke about what happened that morning in Kansas City. The past few months of walking West have proven a challenge as the seasons begin to change. As you suspected, you noticed Joel slowly let Ellie in; he taught her how to look for tracks and how to properly keep watch the first time he fell asleep. Her questioning, her loving attitude, her nasty language, everything entered his heart gradually. He hadn't planned on it, but he now cares for her. You, on the other hand, were already fond of her, you taught her the more “fun” activities. Like looking for more constellations as time passes by, continuing educating her ASL, and teaching a few of your favorite songs from your original reality.

You occasionally hummed as the seasons changed, trying to fill the silence and somber with music. Joel and Ellie didn’t seem to mind, you asked if they were bothered or annoyed but Joel grunted, “Better than Ellie asking a million more questions.” You simply chuckled while Ellie protested and began to defend herself. And then there were the moments you couldn’t quite label. Small touches between you and Joel, providing each other comfort now and then, knowing how bad the loneliness can get to anyone. A squeeze on your shoulder, the brushing of fingers, and if you were lucky, you’d get to hold his hand for a period of time as you trekked through the terrain. You swore there were times you felt his gaze roaming every mile of skin you had, but every time you turned to look he was already busy doing something else.

The branches have exchanged their leaves for white sleeves and all warm-blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe. As gentle as feathers, the snow piles high, this world gets rewritten and retraced every time. After seeing Cody crawling with infected, you three headed out to the large forest to find out if Tommy is still alive and in hiding. Even Ellie tried to point out that there was a possibility he didn’t make it, but as Joel had said before, he was persistent.

You came across a cozy cabin hidden in the forest. Realizing you had no other options, you had to ask for directions to where you were at the moment. A quiet and nice old lady, named Florence had resided and mentioned she was with her husband, Marlon. After making the soup she told three of you that her husband wouldn’t be happy they were in their home. You peeked past the curtains and out the window you saw he husband returning from hunting in the forest, hanging out two white rabbits by the door. Marlon walked inside his home to find her wife sitting upon the rocking chair, her gaze slowly moving towards Joel, him with his revolver out while you and Ellie are upstairs, quietly watching from the mezzanine.

Marlon reluctantly places his bow and arrows on the side entry table, removes his gloves, and unzips his outer jacket, while Joel grumbles out, “And the gun.” Marlon grunts, “Who the hell are you?” Joel walks a bit closer while demanding for him to cooperate, he says, “Just someone passing through. Take the gun out, two fingers only, put it out of reach.” The senior does as he’s told and places it on the other table and asks his wife who was quietly watching the interaction, “Why didn’t you shoot him?” She continues rocking back and forth, “The gun’s all the way over there. He didn’t hurt me by the way.”

“Yeah, I got eyes.” He nonchalantly replies and spots the empty soup bowl on the wooden living room table, “You made him soup?” Florence gives his husband an obvious answer, "Yeah, I did. It’s cold out.” He simply shakes his head and sits down on his own chair. “I’m looking for my brother.” Joel states and the other man replies and removes his cap, “Well, I ain’t seen him.” Your cowboy shakes his head, “I haven’t told you what he looks like.”

“He look anything like you?” He asks and Joel tilts his head, “A bit.”

Ellie taps your arm and whispers to you, “It’s you and Joel from the future.” You frown and shake your head as you whisper back to her, “No.” The young girl rolls her eyes, “Whatever, you should see the way he looks at you when you’re not paying attention.” You blink at her, and you’re seemingly left speechless.

“Then I ain’t seen him,” He says, “He’s got a girl and his wife with him.” You hear Florence say and you nearly choke on air in surprise. Joel turns to look at her, pissed, and confused, and didn’t even bother to correct her. Ellie yells next to you, “Can I come down?” Joel raises his voice at her, “No! Ellie!” You couldn’t stop her as she excitedly runs downstairs, and you have no choice but to follow her.

The elderly couple laughs knowingly, Joel looks at you and Ellie, “What did I just say?” And you give him an apologetic look and Ellie replies, “Joel, come on. They’re like a thousand.” Marlon questions aloud, “Who’s this little psycho and her mother?” Your mouth slightly parted open, about to inform him that you weren’t married to Joel and you weren’t her mother but Joel dismissed it, “Never mind them. I need you to tell us where we are.” He went to the middle of the living room, shoving the map in his direction, cheekily the man throws back, “If you got a map, why you lost?” Ellie’s lips turn downwards as she replies sarcastically, “Must’ve missed all the street signs in the enormous fucking forest.”

Marlon whistles out, “Holy.” And Florence chuckles, still enjoying the excitement that they haven’t had in years. Joel sighs and points out on the map, “We’re somewhere here. Exactly where? And your answer better be the same as your wife’s.” Marlon glances back at his wife, “Did you tell him the truth?” She nods, “Yeah.” He raises an eyebrow at her, “Are you telling me the truth?” She doesn’t hesitate, “Yeah.” He lets out a deep exhale as he leans over, pointing where you all were currently.

Joel places his revolver back in his holster, his eyebrows are furrowed and he sighs in frustration, “Well, you found a great place to hide, I guess.” He sits down and you sit right next to him and Ellie mimics you both. “Hide? Came here before you were born, sonny. Get the hell away from everybody.” Marlon replied as his wife gives her input, “I didn’t want to.” He grumpily waves her off and you lean next to Ellie, “Okay, there’s some truth in what you said.” She gives you a smirk in response.

“Listen, I didn’t mean to upset you about your brother but if you’ve come this far, then you know what’s out there. You seen Cody?” Marlon asked while Joel clenches his jaw, and Ellie replies, “Yeah, got close enough. It’s crawling with Infected.” He hums in agreement, “Yeah, Laramie and Wind River Reservation. Anywhere people used to be, you can’t go there no more.” Joel doesn’t give up and asks, “So you haven’t heard the name, ‘Tommy’?”

“Nope.” He simply says and Ellie questions, “What about the Fireflies?” Florence replies this time, “We get those in the summer.” The young girl frowns, “Not the bugs, the people.” Cluelessly the woman asks, “There are firefly people?” Her husband chuckles and Joel's frown grows deeper, creating harsh lines on his forehead, “You got any advice on the best way west?” The senior man doesn’t miss a beat, “Yeah. Go east. But you never go past the river here.” He then points to a specific location on the map, the blue stream that flows across the paper, “Ever.”

“What’s past the river?” Ellie asked, brave and a little naive, the kind wise Florence replies, “Death. We never see who’s out there but we see the bodies they leave behind. Some infected, some not.” She turns to look at Joel, “If your brother is west of the river, he’s gone.” You lift your eyes to the man next to you, Joel has his eyebrows pinched, his gaze distant, and the lines by the side of his mouth are evident. Your heart sinks at the chance that the elderly couple might be right. “You’re not gonna scare us,” Ellie softly says and the woman answers, “Scared him.” Her husband chuckles and Joel scrambles to get out of there, not saying a single word, he’s grabbing the map and packs up the rest of his things.

You and Ellie are quick to follow after him as she comments, “You don’t seriously believe them.” Joel’s footsteps are loud with every crunch of snow, “They’ve lived here a long time.” He turns and you do too to see Ellie grab a rabbit, “Put that back.” Ellie doesn’t listen and swings the dead rabbit behind her back, “They don’t know anything. Never heard of the fireflies.” Joel unexpectedly stops walking, and you can hear his breathing become labored as he places his hand on the wooden fence, you angle your head to the right in confusion and concern.

Joel only hears muffled echoes as the ringing in his ears overpowers his senses, “Joel? Are you okay?” You softly ask and there is no response, you hear Ellie begin to worry as well and lines begin to form across your forehead. “Shut up.” His voice was barely audible as he places his hand on his chest. You jerk back, but you try to decode what was happening. Ellie then asks him, “Holy shit. Are you dying?” He shakes his head in response, “I’m okay.” But the world seems to spin around him, his vision feels blurry and the weightlessness he feels is unsettling, unable to process the news he had just heard and the possible chance his brother is no longer alive. The further he goes West, the more his paternal empathy is starting to merge Ellie and Sarah into one.

Yours and Ellie’s voices merge into one large echo as you both try and make sure he’s alright. “I’m fine.” You both don’t buy it, “No, no, but are you? Because just a reminder that if you’re dead, we’re fucked.” Ellie said, referring to both of you, which seemingly brings Joel grounded remembering he is now a caretaker and guardian to the both of you, he turns to you as he assures, “I said I’m fine. It’s just the… cold air all of a sudden.”

You don’t buy it one bit but you don’t want to diagnose him immediately so you keep silent and listen to Ellie speak as she marches on forward while ducking under the wooden fence, “All right, uh… let’s go and find Tommy and, and the Fireflies.” Joel grunts and looks at you and you avert your eyes from him, quickly following Ellie.

“It’s gonna be easy,” Ellie said, stumbling a little but marching on, “All we have to do is cross the River of Death.”

All the bruises seem to surface like mud beneath the snow, your feet dug into the snow, a small thin path of footprints lay behind me, telling me where you have come from, but not where you are going. The winds were cold, almost freezing your skin with a simple touch. The icy winds blew against your jacket, the fabric keeping you warm, enough to feel comfortable but not to keep your cold thoughts away. You knew about Jackson, but you weren’t entirely sure where exactly the town was. You silently hope Tommy was fine and nothing had changed.

You gazed around the land, nothing but unending snow and ice, almost a hint that this land had gotten incredibly secluded through the years. After the trees reached the sky, children laughed and played, and the sounds of birds chirping in the woods woke me up from my long rest. It was almost as if the world itself was a part of you, but now that everything has turned frigid and awful, you hardly recognize it.

You see a river stream to your left, Ellie stops to look at it and rolls her eyes as she sarcastically says, “The River of Death. Scary.” Joel sighs, “Don’t start. It’s too close to dark. There’s some caves along the river. We’ll set up camp there, cross in the mornin’.” Ellie smiles, “Good. I’m starving. Should’ve stolen two rabbits.” You ruffle her hair a little bit and Joel replies, “We can get our own rabbits.”

Ellie excitedly asks as she looks up at Joel, “You gonna teach me how? You taught Birdie.” You bite back a smile from the memory, his entire firm body was behind you, hands on either side of you, the ghost of his breath as he whispered instructions creating a trail of goosebumps. If you were being honest, you were very close to kissing him, but you were too afraid to mess it all up, to ask if he felt it too, and continued to wait for him to be ready. “Just keep movin’.” Joel dismisses her and the girl sighs in frustration and exhaustion. You look to Joel, your eyes gazing into his brown ones, hoping that if you stare long enough you could magically read his mind, then turned to trail after Ellie.

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – NIGHT

Your campfire appeared to echo the starlight and bounced off the walls of the small cave as if the flames so close and so distant had so very much to say to one another. It crackled and spat before hissing into life. Its lambent light stole away the velvet-black shadows dancing on the wall. As that dry, withered stump slowly releases years and years of energy soaked up from the sun, the air, and the ground around it, outcome bright lights, whispering hisses, sizzling pops, and a thick, intoxicating smell of musky smoke and pine needles.

You sit atop a large rock by the edge with Ellie, both of your heads are tilted up, black heavens are the perfect stage upon which the brightest of hues dance. You could watch the aurora lights for infinity and always see that it is new, a unique moment and beauty in all of existence. Rays of light fall from the sky, making drapes that stretch across the sky. And they are reminiscent of fluttering drapes or curtains in the wind. There is also a violet and a crimson trim at the bottom and top ends. Sometimes the hues are blended together and braided into one another. New beams of light streaming down from space cause the curtains to vanish and reappear.

Joel looks up to find you both whispering and giggling, you are pointing up at the sky and moving excitedly as you explained the glow from the stars and the infinite rays of light creating waves in the cold midnight sky. He watches Ellie lean her head on your shoulder and you gently rub her back, eventually giving her a light squeeze as a form of a side hug. He brings his fingers to his lips, and a shrill attention-grabbing pierces through the air, both of you swiftly turn your attention to Joel who says, “Come down from there. You’re both gonna break your necks.”

You and Ellie make your way down the high rock, and both of you walk to Joel who was sipping from his flask. Ellie curiously asks Joel, “Ahh… Can I have some?” He shakes his head at her, “No.” The fourteen-year-old whines, “What? Just to warm up. C’mon.” Joel looks at you, and you were surprised he wanted your input or permission. You simply nodded, letting him give the metal flask to Ellie which she receives with a bright smile, she raises it in thanks and takes a large sip. Her face twists into a sour expression, her eyes shut for a brief moment while her eyebrows meet in the middle, “Yep… still gross.” Ellie hands it back to Joel and he asks if you want some to which you respond with a shake of your head. She lets out a little cough and Joel quietly sips from his flask.

“So, I’ve been thinking. Let’s say we find the Fireflies, it all works, they draw my blood and put it through some of their fancy machines and make a cure.” Ellie says and you watch Joel shift his eyes a bit, trying to figure out where this is heading, “Okay?” Ellie raises her eyebrows as she asks aloud, “Then what? Like, what do we do?” Joel raises his defenses, trying to keep the invisible bricks intact steady, “Oh, it’s ‘we’?” Unintentionally you sigh loudly in exasperation, looking at Joel with your eyelids heavy, you nervously lick the bottom of your lip and cling to your patience as it slowly slips through your fingers like sand. Ellie also sighs and reforms her question, “Okay, fine. Whatever. You. Her. You both can do anything you want. Where are you going? What are you doing?”

Joel clears his throat, “It’s never been an option. Maybe… an old farmhouse, some land… a ranch.” Ellie encourages him to continue, “Cool. What kind?” He replies while he smugly looks at Ellie “Sheep. I would raise sheep. They’re quiet… do what they’re told.” Ellie rolls her eyes and nods, “Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, just you and a buncha sheep. Romantic.” You smile at the thought of him living a domesticated life, no more danger or violence, just simple and safe. Joel hesitates a little before asking Ellie, “And what about you? Where are you gonna go?”

She raises her head high, looking up at the full midnight moon glimmering bright along with the twinkling stars, “It’s probably cause I grew up in the QZ. Behind you, there’s ocean, and ahead of you, there’s a wall. Nowhere else to look but up. I read everything I could in the school library. Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, Jim Lovell. But you know who my favorite is?” You create creases beneath your eyes as you smile widely, having a pretty good guess as to who. You and Joel say the same thing at the same time, “Sally Ride.” Ellie grins, “Sally fuckin’ Ride! Best astronaut name ever. How about you Birdie?” You blink twice, “What?” She raises an eyebrow, “What are you gonna do when after I save the world? Are you gonna try to go back to your world or whatever?”

You've trusted and refused every compass you've followed, and the same is true of an ever-changing concept of right. You wrap your arms around your middle, and your shoulders rise and fall as you breathe, “Um… I actually haven’t thought about that. I don’t know.” She looks at you with confusion and questions “Don’t you want to go back home?” Her inquiry causes you to shrink into yourself a little more, not wanting to answer, craving to distance yourself from Joel and Ellie’s gaze. You swallow nervously and look down at your worn-out boots, “I… Maybe. It might take a long time before I could figure out something. But to be honest Ellie, I never felt… at home there. So many things that I had before, but they don't matter to me now.”

Then it becomes quiet for a bit, you watch Ellie blink a couple of times, the crackling bright glow of the orange fire illuminating on side of her face, as she begins to question the future before her, she couldn’t help but wonder, “It’ll work, right? The vaccine?” Joel looks down unsure, “It’s a little late to start wonderin’.”

“I tried, with Sam,” Ellie says as she doesn’t bring her eyes to either of you, your eyes soften at her admittance, none of you have talked about what had happened, not wanting to dwell on the past too much, but to hear her finally bring it up giving you a sense of pride, for her to have the courage to speak about something so traumatic. Joel continued the conversation by asking her what she meant, “Tried what?” She still couldn’t bring herself to look at either of you, choosing to gaze into the campfire, “I knew he was infected. I rubbed some of my blood into his bite. I know, I know, it was stupid. But I… I wanted to save him.” Joel softly says, the wind carrying his words into the night, “Well, I reckon it’s a lot more complicated than that. Marlene, she’s a lotta things, but… she’s no fool. If she says they can do it, they can do it.” Ellie doesn’t say anything as she nods and he takes a large gulp from his flask, throwing his head back as he does.

The fire crackles loudly, but Ellie’s voice could be heard as she asked, “You wanna take first watch or second?” Joel grunts out, “I’ll do both. Get some sleep.” You opened your mouth to dispute him, saying that you could do the first watch but he doesn’t let you get a single syllable in as he narrows his eyes at you, “No.” You huff in annoyance and say nothing. You and Ellie get up to go deeper into the cave as Joel says to the both of you while grabbing his rifle, “Dream of… going home to sheep ranches on the moon.” Ellie gives him another nod, “I will.”

WYOMING WILDERNESS, CAVE – EARLY MORNING

The snow forest feels to the rest of the world like a gift waiting to be opened. Upon the ascent of the daylight, the wilderness is so bitter cold. It exudes a clean aura that invites the soul to pause for a minute and allow the sight to permeate the soul. You live in the moment, the past is always gone, and each day is something new, a stepping stone into a future you dream of even in the cold. The last of the morning stars were blinking out tragically above you. They glowed like bling-silver grains of sand in the early sky. It was a sight to see as their bejeweled splendor faded into nothingness. A ghostly, orb-white winter moon lingered there, eerily similar to a faint strobe light. A halo of brilliant golden encircled its waning brilliance. The sky around it was a vast sheet of grate-grey, with a plum-purple hue near the horizon.

You woke up a bit earlier than usual, and you found Joel passed out, laying on his side and using his jacket as a pillow. You could hear the birds squawking from above the trees, and see the campfire had dimmed. Quietly, you pushed yourself up and grabbed the rifle he had left beside him. You did the usual checks to ensure the safety of everyone, and to see if there were any tracks or unwanted animals lurking around. So far, luckily, you three were safe for the time being.

You made your way back to the cave, finding Ellie alert and awake. She looks at Joel and then back at you, and you raise your finger to your lips, indicating that she should let Joel rest and be quiet. The young girl nods in understanding, silently walking towards you, the both of you taking watch. You let Ellie practice what Joel had taught her and let her hold the rifle in the meantime. And she did everything perfectly.

As time passed and the sun began to rise from the east, you hear Joel mumble in his sleep. You tuned your ears to his whimpers and mumbling, catching the words, “Supposed to be me… Supposed to…” You frown in understanding and worry, you had your fair share of nightmares fueled by guilt. Joel startles awake, gasping for air as he pushes himself up frantically searching for his rifle, only to find you and Ellie standing guard. Ellie couldn’t help herself as she quips, “Still mumbling in your sleep. Birdie and I woke up early. You were passed out, so we both took second watch.”

Joel’s fury sprang to life as he stood up, “You gotta wake me up if that happens. Both of you can’t do things like this.” You felt a flash of irritation as you say to him, “But we can… ‘cause we just did.” He’s quiet for a moment, caught off guard by your reaction, then he speaks, “I’m responsible for both of you, okay?” Ellie is quick to throw back, “Then don’t fall asleep.” She began to recount detail and instruction Joel had given her before when he taught her while you proudly smirk at him, “What can I say, man? I’m a natural.” Joel grouchily nods, “Uh-huh.” And gestures to her to give him back the rifle, he nods at her in approval this time, “You wake me up next time.” Ellie rolls her eyes and smiles sarcastically, “Yes, sir. But you should know that Birdie woke up before me.”

Your eyes widen at her, “Ellie, don’t throw me under the bus!” She chuckles at you as Joel gives you a pointed look and you raise your eyebrows at him, daring him to try and argue, instead he just shakes his head, “Let’s get goin’.”

The cold air stung your cheeks and you pulled your scarf up closer to your face. As you looked around you took notice of the white blanket of snow covering the trees, ground, and mountains. The smell of damp pine trees made the air feel fresh and clean. The world around you was frozen in a glaring white quiet. Nothing made a sound, nothing moved, nothing sang. Winter's slavering teeth have vanished. Its piercing winds had stripped the trees of their final leaves, leaving them naked and brooding in a harsh world. They were groaning beneath the weight of the snow, encased in their medical coats. A great limb would occasionally groan, shatter, and collapse. It sounded like an explosion went off in the jungle. Apart from that, the woodland was engulfed in an eerie stillness. There was no morning chorus, sound symphony, or avian orchestra. The entire globe was encased in a dome of quiet. Winter's lethal grasp has strangled and suffocated all life on the planet. Snowflakes fluttered down on the three of you, sylph-like in their airy quiet. They glinted like crushed diamond dust as they landed. A shimmering winter scape of white and silver.

The sudden gunshot disrupted the peace of the forest, and the startled geese began to honk and fly off into the distance, Joel waits for a bit to ensure it was safe to cross the bridge, Ellie observes, waiting for something to happen, but nothing does, “The River of Death. Still no people.” Joel grumbles out, “Fine.” Then proceeds to stand up, and walk to the entrance of the bridge as you and Ellie closely follow him from behind.

As you continue to make your way across the bridge, Ellie tries to whistle like Joel, however, no high pitch sound comes out, just puffs of air. Joel turns around in confusion, and Ellie’s reply is muffled by her fingers, “I’m learning how to whistle.” And Joel looks at her incredulously, “You don’t know how to whistle?” She retorts, “Does it sound like I know how to whistle?” He says the obvious, “No.” You laugh, letting yourself enjoy the little moments of peace with the two. “Seriously, though, how the fuck do you do that?” Ellie asks walking a little bit ahead and you walking side-by-side with Joel, he harrumphs, “Talent.” And you lightly smack his arm at his response, and you swore you saw him give you a small smile, Ellie mutters, “Whatever. You should teach me how to hunt.”

“Huh.” Joel states, and Ellie mocks him, “‘Huh’. Like. ‘She’s a girl. She can’t handle it.’” Joel speaks as he trudges through the snow, “You can handle the shootin’. Not so sure about the dressin’.” Ellie sighs, “What’s the dressin’?” You and Joel walk a little bit past her and he replies, “The part where you take the guts out.” And your nose scrunches up at the thought while Ellie says, “Oh, yeah. Why do they call it dressing? It’s like you should call it undressing ‘cause it is. It’s like… undressing from the inside.” She paused for a bit to catch her breath before saying, “Still interested, though.”

The sound of water rushing fills your ears as you waddled through the snow, stumbling upon a large structure. Dams were mechanical temples that harnessed the victorious powers of water, power, and terrestrial fertility for human advantage. “Dam.” Ellie said, and you rolled your eyes in amusement while Joel tells her, “You’re no Will Livingston.” She quickly throws back at him, “Yeah, yeah, but who is? So that made electricity?” Referencing the Dam in front of them, Joel mutters, “Yeah. Don’t ask me. I don’t have a clue.” Ellie laughs, “You know, you could’ve just made something up. I would’ve believed you.” Joel answers, “Ask Birdie, she’s practically a walking encyclopedia.”

“I don’t know whether to be offended or amazed at the fact you know what an encyclopedia is.” You quip at him with a smirk and his lip quirks up in a small smirk at you, and his eyes twinkle with mischief and desire as his pupils slightly darken, “Smartass.” You winked at him, “You like it.”

“Damn right.” He said with his eyes unwavering from yours, and you felt every atom in your body spark to life. Joel’s heavy breathing stirred the tiny hairs on your neck, sending a shiver into every cell of your body. Ellie disrupted you both as she makes a disgusted groan, “If the two of you are done flirting can we please keep moving?” The heat of embarrassment rushed into your face, leaving you speechless as you decide to break away from his stare and keep marching forward.

“Look at that river. It’s crazy blue.” Ellie said then was immediately quiet after, somewhere between then and now irony slipped its way into her vocabulary, laughter became an anecdote for guilt, sacrifice grew to be a band name for shame and unnecessary death became a nightmare that rode her piggyback. At this point, the thought suddenly struck her, “Hey, Joel, Birdie… what if this is the River of Death?”

Joel grabs the map from his jacket pocket and unfolds it, checking to see if Ellie was right. The cold wind harshly bit into your skin as you three stared at the crystal blue river. At first, you couldn’t see them, but you could hear them—the snapping of twigs, the crunch of snow, and the clopping sound of horse hoofs. There were more than one, more than three, and they were closing in. Joel tried to grab you and Ellie to run, but they were too quick, and organized, and had you surrounded in seconds with their guns and rifles pointed at you. “Get behind me,” Joel said, slightly pushing both of you behind his tall frame. You all raised your hands up, and showed no sign of aggression, Joel shouts, “We ain’t lookin’ for any trouble. We’re just passin’ through.”

“Drop the gun,” the harsh voice ordered in front of you, Joel does as he’s told and so do you. “Both of you… take five steps back.” the man says, and Joel tries to reason with him, “How ‘bout we just talk this through?” And the unknown man unrelentingly replies, “How ‘bout you shut the fuck up?” Joel's shoulders tense, “Okay, easy.” He turns to both of you, Ellie has her eyes wide open and mouth slightly parted, her hands slightly quivering and you trying to steady your breathing, “You’ll both be okay.”

You follow the orders given to you and take five steps back and you hear the man ask, “You been near Infected?” And Joel replies, “There’s no Infected out here.” He doesn’t buy it one bit and retorts, “The hell there ain’t.” He whistles and you hear a short, abrupt vocalization, relatively loud and high-pitched, changes in frequency, the bark of an excited dog, “Last chance for a bullet. If you’ve been infected, he will smell it, and he will rip you up.”

The black large dog continues to bark and its handler removes his leash, he prances over to Joel, sniffing him up and down, jumps up to place his paws on his stomach, looks at him then whines, not finding any indication of the virus. The dog walks back over to his handler for a treat while Joel’s Texan accent becomes heavy, “Like I said… we’ll just move on.” The man still has his rifle pointed at you as he sits atop his horse, he nods over in your and Ellie’s direction, “Now both of them.”

Your heart drops, and you hear Ellie’s breathing become shaky. The flip in your stomach takes over all of your senses, you are frozen and unmoving as you watch the dog crouch lowly and growl at you and Ellie. Joel turns back to glance at you both and you’re worriedly looking at him. He turns around, not bringing himself to watch, the world becomes quiet, the silent ringing returns, and his lungs are clawing for air. It brings him back to that moment when the world took her away, his Sarah, the powerlessness and helplessness feeling that had followed him over the past twenty years. The weight of the world was placed on his shoulders that faithful day.

The sound of a high-pitched bark brings him back to the present, he hears you and Ellie giggle and turns to find you and her completely fine, happily rubbing and petting the dog as the creature licks and wags its tail. The man whistles and the dog is called away, you and Ellie stand up from the snow and hear the leader say, “You just bought yourself ten more seconds. What are you doin’ out here?” Joel quickly replies, “I’m just lookin’ for my brother. That’s all, nothin’ more.” A beautiful woman, whose skin was as rich and deep as any stately home mahogany, exclaims, “Ho!” And walks her horse forward, “What’s your name?” He answers breathlessly, “Joel.” And his name became the key, the password, and the answer, for them to escort you into their town.

You three were given and allowed to ride your own horses, the cold wind rushing past me. The sun’s rays of light are covered by the darkness of the clouds. Hooves, galloping along the plush white snow, the loud clopping and crunch fill your ears as you hold onto the reins. In the distance, you see a large wooden wall with a giant gate, men and women stationed on top, ready to shoot any intruders. One of the men raises a red bandana, a signal to one of the guards on watch.

The large gate opens for all of you, the horses begin to trot at a normal pace as you take in the sight of Jackson. Underneath you are fluffy, cold snow. The sounds of slush fill your ears. You watch as the misty fog escapes your mouth anytime you take a breath. Every time you inhale a frigid prickle enters your lungs and every time you exhale the heat from your breath warms your lips. Around you are naked trees covered in powder-white snow, glistening in the daylight. The town is neatly arranged, and it felt comfortable and safe. You spot the Tipsy Bison on the right, a location you recognized, then bring your eyes to observe the people around you. A thriving and collaborative community, stable enough to provide and care for the elderly and children.

You continue on forward, spotting Tommy on top of the scaffolding, helping with construction work. You angle your head to look at Joel as he shouts at the top of his lungs, “Tommy!” His brother stops what he’s doing to look at Joel, then he proceeds to run down the steps leading up to the scaffolding, Joel urgently dismounts from his horse, and the people around town watch as the two brothers reunite, a large impactful hug from the both of them, secure and firm. Their shoulders move up and down as the two laugh loudly, finally, all of the pieces align and the balance is clearly defined, he sighs and settles down for the first time.

Tommy smiles as he asks his older brother, “What the fuck are you doin’ here?” Joel looks at you and Ellie for a second before back to Tommy, replying, “I came here to save you.” Joel begins to laugh again, his chuckle a melody you’ve rarely heard before, a sound you keep in your back pocket just in case.

You bring your gaze to Ellie, whose expression is mixed and jealous, sensing that she’s now a bit less important in Joel’s life. You look back at the two brothers, turning down the volume of your heart, the massive table of countless dominos, all lined up and weaving in and out of each other, every relationship and decision in every piece of domino, subconsciously shrinking the row of dominos the best you can. Eliminating your opinions or wants and desires, convincing yourself that this will be simple by just focusing on the needs of everyone else but yourself. The only form of control you’ve had looks like empathy to understand all sides.

MESS HALL, JACKSON COUNTY, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The mess hall was large, warm, and inviting. The indistinct chatter fills the giant wooden cabin, lightbulbs twinkling from above, and dining tables lined up neatly. Ellie was sat in between you and Joel, she is scarfing down her food, eagerly eating everything that was on her plate and so was Joel. You were meekly eating, trying to not draw attention to yourself, as you quietly chewed on your potatoes. “There’s more if you need it.” And you soon come to realize that this must be Maria, the way Tommy’s body language is drawn and pulled close to her, you smile when you hear Joel reply politely, “Thank you, ma’am.” And you also offer your thanks to her and she nods in your direction in acknowledgment. Joel cuts into his food as he says, “It’s been a while since we’ve had a proper meal.” Ellie pipes in, “Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever had a proper meal. This is fuckin’ amazing.” You wince in second-hand embarrassment and so does Joel, he turns to Maria, “Sorry. Ellie… let’s mind our manners.” Tommy smirks knowingly. At one moment, another girl furtively looks at Ellie, until Ellie loudly says “What?!” and scares her off. Joel’s lips turn down and his eyebrows furrow in confusion, “What’s wrong with you?” Ellie doesn’t relent, “What about her manners?”

“She was just curious. Kids around here don’t usually look or talk like you.” Maria points out and Ellie nods, “Right… well, maybe I’ll teach them. And I want my gun back.” Maria shakes her head, “They also aren’t armed.” The young brave girl glares at her in response, Tommy decides to step in, “You know what? Uh… I think maybe ya’ll got a little off on the wrong foot.” Ellie raises her tone and points out, “She was gonna have our guys kill us.” Joel gives her a pointed look, an indication for her to stop being disrespectful but Tommy calmly responds, “Well, we gotta be real careful about who we let in this place. But it’s all bark. We’re just trying to scare off those who might wanna try us is all.” Ellie nonchalantly says, “Well you got a couple of ninety-year-olds who shitting themselves out there.” You and Joel chastise her quickly, “Ellie.” But she doesn’t care, “They say that you leave dead bodies around?” Maria doesn’t deny the ugly truth, “Those are the people who tried us.” Tommy adds, “A bad reputation doesn’t mean you’re bad.” Maria narrows her eyes at Joel as she comments, “Not always, at least.” You feel your anger flare up from your chest as you grip your knife tighter, glaring at Maria for suggesting such a thing.

Joel swallows down his food and his shame, “Ma’am… we’re grateful for your hospitality and all. But it’d be nice to have a moment here, maybe just for family.” You place an elbow on the table, using your hand to hide your face in embarrassment as you squirm in your chair, you hear Tommy clear his throat, “Well um…” You peek past your hand and watch him grab Maria’s hand, spotting the wedding band on his left ring finger, “Maria is family, actually.” Ellie blinks in surprise as she says, “Oh, shit! Congrats.” You bring your eyes to Joel’s unmoving figure, frozen in shock from the sudden news as his breathing becomes unsteady, Ellie softly whispers to him, “Joel, say congrats.” The all-too-familiar cold tone is unmistakable as he grits his teeth to say, “Congrats.” There’s an awkward silence between the two parties, and you take a large gulp of your water and Tommy offers, “How ‘bout a tour.” You nod as you’re the first one to get up from your chair, not liking the possibility of conflict between the two brothers, “Yes, please.”

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The town had a large plaza, and a giant vibrant Christmas tree in the center, Maria spoke as she walked, and the rest of you followed, “We settled here about seven years ago. Just a handful of us back then.” She points out a section of the town, “That section was already a gated community, so we built the rest of the wall out from there. Stopped most of the raiding parties, but we still find pockets of them.” Joel warily looks around, “And you said Infected?” Tommy nods, “Yeah, but usually in smaller colonies, wandered off from the cities. All this open country out there… it’s a turkey shoot. I still got my 700, but I found a variable power scope. Sub MOA. Can headshot those fuckers from half a mile out.”

“Can you teach me how?” Ellie asks and Joel is quick to respond for him, “No, he can’t. How do you keep this place quiet?” Maria replies, “Carefully. Being in the middle of nowhere helps. Not advertising what we have, staying off the radio.” Joel stares at his brother and Tommy shrinks away from his pointed look, you listen to Maria as she explains the purpose of each building, “House of worship, multifaith. School. Laundry. Old bank works as a jail, not that we’ve needed it.” Joel looks to one of the electric poles, “And you draw power from the dam?” Maria confirms his suspicion, nodding, “Got that workin’ a couple years ago. After that, sewage, plumbing, water heaters… lights.” Ellie shakes her head, seemingly impressed, “This place actually fuckin’ works.”

The group makes their way to the farm, and a herd of sheep passes by, and Ellie points it out as she smiles at him, “Hey, Joel, check it. Baa.” Ellie playfully swings her arms back and forth as she asks Maria, “Are you, like, in charge?” She looks at Tommy for a bit before replying, “No one person’s in charge. I’m on the council. Democratically elected, serving three hundred people, including children. Everyone pitches in. We rotate patrols, food prep, repairs, hunting, harvesting.” Tommy picks off where she left off, “Everything you see in our town… greenhouses, livestock, all shared. Collective ownership,” to which Joel replies, "So, uh, communism." Tommy's knee-jerk reaction is, "Nah. Nah, it ain't like that." His discomfort with the term pulls from over a century of distortion of the fundamental principles of communism. “It is that, literally. This is a commune. We're communists," Maria states modestly, to which Tommy’s discomfort at the thought causes him to stagger a bit, to which you offer, “I can try and explain it later.” Tommy nods in thanks and you give him a reassuring smile.

“No way!” Ellie exclaims as she makes her way to the stables, Maria trails behind her and you follow the two ladies, “That’s our newest one. Couple months old. You wanna pet her?” Ellie’s smile is as bright as the sun and her teeth as white as the snow beneath you, wide and happy, “Yeah, what’s her name?” Ellie asks to which Maria replies, “Shimmer.” Your smile falters a bit, recognizing the name from the second game, but you shake it off, not wanting to keep looking into the future. “Shimmer you’re so beautiful,” Ellie says as she pets the pony gently, completely enamored by her beauty and gentle grace. Maria turns to Tommy and discusses the possible sleeping arrangement, “Well, I’m sure they’d like a shower, some new clothes. We can put them in the empty house across the street from us.” Her husband nods in agreement, “Yeah. It’s a decent place. Pretty much untouched since the ‘03, but it’s got the heat goin’ in it. Could do worse.” Ellie carelessly remarks, “Oh, trust me, we have been.”

Joel has his eyes narrowed and annoyed, “We’ve been doin’ fine.” You get the slight feeling he’s being defensive, and Maria looks at you and Ellie, and tells her husband, “Well I’ll take her and Ellie over there if you two wanna catch up.” Tommy then looks to his older brother for approval and Joel nods, “Yeah. Okay.” You and Ellie whip your head to face Joel, slightly unnerved and fearful of the unknown, and potentially Joel pushing you both away. “Joel.” Ellie says and he brushes her off as he walks away, “You’ll be fine.” Maria asks the both of you, “Shall we?” And having no choice but to follow her you both nod, “Uh, yeah.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – AFTERNOON

The warm hot shower soothes your skin as you wash off the grime and dirt of the last few months. At some point, you had decided to sit down in the bathtub of the shower, letting the water hit your skin freely, your eyes distant and gaze unsteady as you watch the steam of the shower move to the light. You hug your knees close to your chest, rest your chin on your knees, and finally let yourself go.

The haze takes over your vision, a sculpture of water and unsettled dust, and your exhausted mind only wants to be carried home. So you fight with the concept of grace while attempting to hold everything in place. You were so full of life that you could barely hold it in. You were amateurs at war, strangers to suffering. Your questions ricochet like broken satellites. How did your bodies, born to heal, become so prone to die? Your nights have grown so long and now you beg for sound advice, time has been ruthless and unkind, every turn in the corner of the maze only to be faced with a dead end, the trapdoors you couldn’t see, and the lives that were lost to your journey to Jackson. You felt so vulnerable and fragile, the fact that the foundation of society was shaken to its core due to the pandemic, governments, families, and lives as you know them, will never be the same again. As life replayed, you hear the voice in the back of your mind proclaim, to let the brokenness be felt until you reach the other side.

The sting in your eyes as the tears escape from your eyes, allows for the cold embrace of the depression you’ve kept hidden and at bay for so long. Sometimes you pretend you are evergreen and keep your cards close to your chest. But this time you allow yourself the reprieve, as you quietly sob into your hands and gasp for air now and then, letting every little fracture of you shatter out loud. Wondering if your messes mattered and if all the chaos counted as you felt empty-handed. You had set sail along the universe's ocean of the unknown with cheap wood and tried to patch up every leak that you could until the blame grew too heavy.

You reflected on the world that you were unintentionally placed in, presenting the world through a different lens, a world that turned hostile and dangerous. But a story that explored how nevertheless you can still find love and meaning, the longing for human connections, and how willing you are to sacrifice everything to safeguard the people you love.

You hadn’t planned on it, the greater weight of the truth settling inside of you. Fundamental resilience and a built-in resistance, and against your judgment, prevent you from completely surrendering yourself from truly giving up on being human. You open your eyes and slowly rise to your feet, placing your palm on the wall, you blink and try to look past the undefined and fragile promise at the light at the end of the tunnel. You nod, shakily you breathe, and whisper to no one in particular, “I guess that’s how it goes.”

After the mental breakdown in the shower, you stepped out of the bathroom fresh and felt a little bit lighter. You lift your chin a little higher and open your eyes a little wider despite the puffiness in your eyes. You are wrapped in a towel, and as you make your way to the foot of the bed, you find fresh clean clothes to wear and a menstrual cup. You smile at the thoughtful gift and find a note, that reads ‘I’m just across the street. Come by when you’re done.’

You get dressed and make your way down the hall to Ellie’s room, you knock on her door and call for her, “Ellie? You there?” When no reply came, you slowly opened the door to find her gone and after investigating a little bit, you see a similar note from Maria. You figured she had already gone over. You leave her room and walk across the street to Maria’s house, knocking on the door and Ellie opening the door for you. You smile at her as you walk inside, appreciating the warmth already provided by the fireplace.

You take a good look at the living room, yellow curtains by the window, a messy coffee table with an unsolved crossword, and a large cozy couch facing the fireplace as it crackles and roars. Your eyes catch the small blackboard sitting on top of the fireplace with two candles on each side. Ellie walks over to it and you follow closely behind her as she stares up at the two names. Kevin and Sarah, with the dates, that they were born and taken away too soon from this world.

You let out an uneven exhale and feel your frown deepen, as the flashbacks of Joel’s life come back to you in a blur. The scream for mercy, watching him tear apart with each cry and wail from his hoarse voice. The day the world ended was the same day his world ended. Something broken that cannot be fixed. You both turn your heads to the sound of the back door opening, Maria enters bringing the cold wind with her until she closes the door behind her, “Oh, good. Just traded for these two. Go ahead, try it on.” She hands Ellie a deep purple long coat while yours is A sophisticated medium gray with the barest hint of violet. The young girl comments as she wears her purple puffer coat, “It’s, uh, super fuckin’ purple.” You bend down a little to help Ellie with her coat, fixing the collar and the lining, Maria nods, “Eggplant. It fits?” Ellie replies, “Yeah.” Maria continues to fuss over her as you put on your coat, “Shoes aren’t too big?” She answers, “Uh, no. Where’s our other stuff?” Maria lifts her shoulders, “Rag pile. Did you both get the thing I left you?” You merely nod while Ellie bluntly replies, “Yeah. Weirdest gift ever.” Maria nods in agreement but says, “But useful. Who’s been cutting your hair?”

“Uh, world-class salons,” Ellie says plainly and it earns a laugh from you and Maria, “Let me get my scissors.” Ellie’s mouth opens to protest but Maria doesn’t let her argue, “Trim. That’s all. Just the ends, I promise. And her too, she’ll go first so you can see that you have nothing to worry about.” Referring to you as she walks to the kitchen. You ruffle Ellie’s hair and whisper to her, “Just let her,” to which she sighs and takes a seat on one of the dining table chairs.

The trim was much needed. Maria had cut your hair in the style you wanted with such precision and skill. You happily thanked her with a polite smile, sat down on one of the other chairs, and let Ellie go next, of course, Ellie being the curious kid she is, begins to interrogate Maria, “So, this was, like, your job back then or something?” The sharp snips of scissors fill the silence for a bit before she answers, “No, I was an Assitant District Attorney out of Omaha, Nebraska. I put the bad guys in jail. I always liked doing hair though. Maybe it was a mom thing.”

“Damn, that’s pretty impressive.” You said and she gives you her thanks and asks, “What did you do for work?” Your smile falters, “Um, I used to be a researcher, a Quantum physicist.” The quiet was nice for a moment before she comments, “You both were looking at the little memorial Tommy made?” Ellie answers for the both of you, “Uh, yeah.” She stumbles on her words, “I’m- I’m sorry about your kids.” Your nails dig into your palm and listen to Maria reply, “It’s okay. And kid. Just Kevin. Sarah was Joel’s daughter.”The heavy silence that follows tells Maria that Ellie didn’t know that before, and you find it harder to breathe, “Oh, maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, it’s okay. I guess that explains him a little,” Ellie says and she brings her eyes to you, “Did you know?” You squirm, the feeling of deja vu from when you first heard those words from Joel, the accusatory glance, and the betrayal in her eyes. “Yes,” You said and she scoffs at you, “Why? Why didn’t you say anything?” You pull back and raise your eyebrows at her, “You and I both know that was never my story to tell or share. No amount of knowledge will ever excuse the fact that I can never talk about what happened without Joel’s explicit consent.” Ellie resigns from her lashing out and nods at you with understanding, and you simply sighed. Maria chimes in, “Look, I’m not gonna ask you what you both are doing with him.”

“Good.” You and Ellie say at the same time, quickly protective of Joel but Maria continues with her statement, “But there are clearly things you both don’t know about Joel.” You glare at Maria while the teen remains typically testy, “Oh, like how he used to kill people? We know about that.” Ellie rebukes with vigor and impresses Maria with it somewhat, “So then you understand my concern.” Ellie’s anger flares, “He doesn’t do that anymore.” And Maria is quick to question, “He stopped killing people?”

“Innocent ones. And Tommy did it, too. Are you worried about him?” she asks to which Maria’s lips form a thin line, “Tommy was following Joel. The way you both are.” Seemingly sees Joel as a bad influence, someone who pulls people into his orbit and leaves harm in his wake. “Well, maybe, we’re smarter than Tommy. No offense.” Ellie states and you sense distrust in Maria, “You are definitely smart. Both of you. You would have made a hell of a lawyer, Ellie.” The woman says as she puts away her scissors and stands in front of you and Ellie, “There’s a whole lot you’re not telling me.” None of you answer, to which Maria nods, “Good. Therein lies the point. Be careful who you put your faith in,” she warns you and Ellie. “The only people who can betray us… are the ones we trust.” Ellie clearly resents the advice and Maria’s distrust of Joel, perhaps because she senses there’s a good reason for it and none of you want to admit it.

“You understand?” Maria asks and you both hum in acknowledgment. “Now come on.” She says as she walks to remove the towel around Ellie’s shoulders, “Grab your super fuckin’ eggplant coat.” You allow yourself to laugh at the callback and get up from your own seat, shuffling to put on your gray coat to which you hear Ellie ask, “Where are we going?” Maria smiles, “The movies.” Ellie sighs and ties her hair back, while you say, “I’m actually gonna go for a walk. Get familiar with the surroundings. You okay to go by yourself, Ellie?” The brave teen nods, “Mhm. I’ll see you back at the house.”

“Tell me what you think of the movies later, okay?” You say and she smiles and agrees, “Okay.” You tuck your hands in the pockets of your coat, yelling a thank you and goodbye to Maria as you headed outside to the cold winter of Jackson.

MAIN STREET

JACKSON, WYOMING – SUNSET

You tried your best to help around as much as you could with the stables and the children, doing some work to pass the time. The clouds collected again around sunset, bringing an earlier night, and the snow began to fall straight and slowly from a sky devoid of wind, in a gentle universal dispersion more perplexing than the morning's blasts. It appeared to be a part of the growing darkness, the cold night itself falling on you layer by layer.

The amber glow of the string lights, the burn barrels doing their best to keep parts of the area warm, the steam following the wind but the bright glow of the fire emitting from inside shine through. Most people at this hour have already decided to go to the dining hall to watch the rest of the movie, but you continued to wander around the empty main street of Jackson.

The world is an outline of shapes you used to know, hidden in plain sight. The drapes suddenly pulled back slowly, as though pulling a ribbon. You've been distracted, but you're no longer trapped in the static. Despite the fact that your hands are prone to trial and error, you cross your fingers for anything to hold. Here in the shadows of letting go, you can't help but wish for a brighter future. You spot Ellie from a distance, her figure crouched down as she eavesdrops through the door of a nearby workshop. You tilt your head and quietly walk towards her, to which she still turns her head to you, lifting her finger on her lips indicating to be quiet. You decide to follow her request and crouch next to her, hearing Tommy and Joel quietly conversing with each other.

Joel started, “It was Marlene. She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin’ wish. What the hell was I supposed to do? We made it as far as K.C., and then… You know she saved my life there… from another kid. Birdie got hurt too… Five years ago, I would’ve destroyed him. But she had to shoot him to save me. Fourteen years old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’.” You shudder at the reminder and the two of you listened as Joel broke, bit by bit, his voice started to quiver, “And Birdie had to protect Ellie 'cause I asked her to… and she didn’t even have the experience or skill that I had… I saw… I saw a man kill his own brother… to save her, while I just watched. And today I thought that dog was gonna tear both of ‘em apart because it smelled somethin’ on them.”

“And all I did was stand there. I couldn’t… move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just… I was so afraid.” Joel’s breathing was ragged as he spoke, his mind racing with worst-case scenarios, “You think I can handle things, but… I’m not who I was. I’m weak.” He believes he bears little resemblance to the man he once was or could become. No action hero, he admits to being far less capable of recognizing and reacting to threats than he used to be, and to sometimes being paralyzed by fear. You slowly start to feel your eyes sting again as you hear the tremble in his voice, the brokenness you’re all too familiar with, “Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere, and… my heart… feels like it’s stopped. And I have dreams. Every night.”

“What kinda dreams?” Tommy asks, and you listen to the triggered tripwire every time he breathes, the tremble in his voice gives you that he was beginning to cry, “I don’t know. I can’t remember. I just know that when I wake up… I’ve lost somethin’.” You allow your own tears to fall, covering your mouth to cover your whimpers as you listen to him admit, “I’m failin’ in my sleep. That’s all I do. It’s all I’ve ever done is fail them again and again.” Tommy states, “You want me to take them.” And Joel continues to cry as he says, “I’m just gonna get them killed. I know it. I have to leave them.” Tommy tries to call his name to calm him, “Joel.”

“I mean, it’s why you took off on me, right? To make up for the things we did?” Joel asks with a clear glaze in his eyes, he begs his younger brother, “Well, here’s your chance to bring your kid into a better world. You’re younger than me. You’re still strong. You said it yourself, you’ll come back. You have to take her. You have to give Birdie… that sweet, smark, and kind girl, a chance to live a life here. A normal life here. Please.”

You take Tommy’s silence as agreement and the tears fall from your cheeks as you try to muffle your cries. Joel breathes, “And you can’t tell anyone, not even Maria. Tommy, you’re the only one I trust. If anyone else sees those bites on her, on them both, what’s under their skin… they’ll shoot them. It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you. I swear.”

“I’ll take her out at dawn.” You hear Tommy say and Joel sigh of relief. You feel Ellie tug your coat sleeve, indicating you need to leave before they realized you had heard the entire conversation.

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – NIGHT

None of you spoke as the two of you walk into the night, heading back to the temporary house that they had provided. You opened the door for Ellie and she ran straight up to her room, while you walked up the steps to the master bedroom. You quietly shut your door sitting on the edge of the king-sized bed, you sniffed and try to will yourself to stop crying. You stared blankly at the floor as you swung your feet, patiently waiting and deciding what to do next.

The options you had were limited to figuring out how to get back to your previous observable universe or facing the truth about how you felt for Joel and your fondness for Ellie as if she were your own daughter. This meant admitting that you also needed to discuss what you wanted with Joel. To wake up and wage war with this gravity that has been holding you back for almost all of your life, the epiphany of finding so much worth fighting for, and either way all the lines of dominos will fall and cascade.

You were too in your head to hear the shouting from across the hall, the argument between Joel and Ellie, a crucial turning point in the central relationship. You hear the bits and pieces of their yelling and arguing, “You have no idea what loss is,” is a pretty awful thing for him to say. And in both, she tells him that everyone she’s ever cared about has either died or left her, “Everyone—fucking except for you. So don’t tell me that I would be safer with someone else because the truth is that I would just be more scared.” Joel’s painful response, “You’re right, you’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.” You flinch at that, “Now, come dawn… we’re goin’ our separate ways.” Then you hear the loud slamming of the door of Ellie’s room, and your own frown deepens, you feel your heart race, as if you feel the climb of the track of the rollercoaster, building you up and then taking you back. It’s a while before Joel decides to go to the bedroom, he had decided to sit in the living room to remember Sarah one last time before letting her go.

You anticipate Joel’s footsteps, the thud of each step, and hear your door open. Joel finds you sitting at the edge of the bed, hunched over, your hands shaking in your lap as you try and hold yourself together. The quiet dim glow of the yellow lamp by the bedside table illuminates your features. You don’t look at him as he calls your name, you choose to look at the floor, he tries again, softer, “Birdie…” You only blink in response, the only indication that you heard him at all, you hear him step a little closer to you, “How much did you hear?” In a barely audible response, you shakily whisper, “All of it.”

Joel began, “Birdie… it’s for the best if we–” You cut him off before he could even finish, sharply turning your head at him as you stood up, “Joel I can’t… I can’t keep doing this.” He feels breathless as he registers what you said, “What?” You blink back the tears and try to look him in the eye, a little more alive as you let the scale tip and feel all of it rushing through you like a restless river stream, you feel your chest expand as you breathe and say, “If you don’t want me… if you don’t feel anything for me. Just say it and tell me now and I’ll figure out how to get back home on my own. ‘Cause I can’t keep going like this… dancing around you and pretending I don’t have feelings for you.”

You shake your head, “I’ve spent my whole life asking and searching for the impossible and none of it made any sense to me… And then I… I found you and Ellie. For the first time, I felt whole.” Your hand clenches near your chest as you utter, “Was I just delusional or imagining things? ‘Cause all of this… push and pull is hurting me. Do you even want me?” Joel steps a little closer as he says, “Yes.” And you look up at him and take one step back, “Then… why? And don’t you fucking dare make it an age-gap excuse or I will kick you in the balls Miller.”

He stumbles over his words, “I’m afraid. I’m so, so, afraid Birdie. That I could fail to protect you, Sweet Girl. The light that you give, the kindness you’ve shown, I’m scared I might taint it. Take away something so good in this world. You deserve so much more than what I could give.” Your face pinches in frustration and tears fall down your face, your cheeks warm and eyes puffy from all the sobbing, “Don’t I get a say?” And he’s quick to tell you, “Of course you do.” You scoff and angrily wipe your eyes. You pause and take a good look at the man in front of you, it's a fire and a goddamn blaze in the dark and he started it, you say from across the room, “Then let me choose you, Joel. Please, please, don’t leave me here.” He’s quiet as he takes in your words, and you continue, it’s uncomfortable but right, you say, “I don’t care about what was written about in your history. In the end, I want more than the life that I choose, and I want it to be with you.”

The silence that fills the room is one of heaviness and anticipation. The churning fear that pours out of you, and the inheritance you did not seek or ask for. You watch as Joel breathes heavily at your confession, taking his time to process what you said and felt for him. Someone who he deemed no longer worthy of receiving love. Slowly, you show him who he is and who he could be, and try to initiate the heart, bringing himself to let it open up properly. All of a sudden, you changed his mind and pulled back the curtains a little at a time.

You were on a frequency, the perfect opposite of him. Though he never needed any proof to trust the heart that beats inside of you. He can't keep his head from spinning out of control, but he will try to breathe ‘til it becomes muscle memory. He’s only steady on his knees, but maybe with you, he’ll one day stand on his own two feet. To struggle gracefully and let the scaffolding inside of him be strong enough to hold his tired body up once more.

He licks his bottom lip out of nervousness, and directly looks you in the eye, “I want you, Birdie.” You feel the rush of heat through your body, and stutter, “W-What?” His gaze darkens as he looks at you with need and desire, seemingly made up his mind to just give in, to let himself want and need you. “I said, I want you Birdie. Will you be mine?” He takes a step closer to you and you stay frozen, eventually, he’s towering over your frame, his eyes so dark you can no longer see the honey-brown eyes you were familiar with. You can’t help it. You’re drawn in by the force and pressure of the tempest building in those damnable eyes. Your heart is loud as a drumline, the thumping noise and heat in your ears as you feel the magnetic pull into his warmth, you feel his breath against your lips as you whisper, “Yes.”

That’s all it took, and with slow deliberation looks at you up and down. His inspection seems to last for hours, though it must take only seconds. The air between you crackles, and you want to move toward him, to close the gap between you. But you stay rooted to the spot, waiting for him. He lingers for a moment on your lips before finally lifting his head to meet your eyes, and his lips meet yours. You didn’t grow up, we grew in, like ivy wrapping, molding each other into perfect yins and yangs. You kissed with mouths open, breathing his exhale into your inhale. You could have survived underwater or outer space, breathing only the breath you traded.

You felt his warm rough large hands bring one hand to your waist and the other to cup the side of your cheek as he kissed you. You felt the tickle of his facial hair on your cheek, and each breath and groan vibrated throughout your body. You wrapped your arms around his neck, running your fingers rhythmically through his salt-and-pepper hair. Happily sighing breathlessly as he continues to kiss you dizzy. Like a whiskey, you can feel it he hits so strong but tastes so sweet.

The rush and thrill consumed you, the slick wetness between your thighs and his hands moving to cup and grab at your ass causing you to gasp in pleasure, to which Joel decides to pull your bodies closer ‘til no space lies in between. His presence was too powerful, his scent too all-consuming. It crowded your lungs, filling them with clean earthiness and rich spices. When you were around him, it was easy to lose myself, no matter how upset you were.

When he carefully dropped himself to the ground, the movement was both proud and obedient. His breath brushed over your skin. “Do you want this?” His fingers ran down the back of your leg, leaving a path of heat in their wake. Your thoughts were jumbled, but you had enough sense to realize this wasn't about sex. It was all about being vulnerable. It was a landmark event disguised as insignificant and distilled into one phrase. “Yes.” That was both demand and submission, a groan and a gasp. Joel exhaled. He carried you to the plush bed in the center of the room, appreciating everything you could give him. Clothes were quickly removed, and he stripped you down to your barest form while he kept his boxers on, an evident hard-on showing but choosing to take care of you first.

His palms burned as they parted your thighs. He’d barely touched you, and you were already on fire. You tipped your head back, drowning in arousal, heat, and lust and the reverence of his touch as he kissed his way up your thigh. His stubble rasped against your skin and sent tiny shocks of pleasure down your spine. As he separated your thighs, his palms seared. He hadn't even touched you yet, but you were still immediately burning. As he nibbled his way up your thigh, you threw your head back, reveling in pleasure, heat, lust, and the devotion of his touch.

“I'm sorry I offended you…” A gentle kiss at the fine line where your thigh meets your leg and persistent heat. “For attempting to drive you away…” Your underwear was removed and tossed to the side as he softly stroked your clit with his tongue. When he dragged your clit into his lips and sucked, his abrasive words mingled with your scream. Your body arched away from the bed. He began to worship you with his lips, hands, and tongue as your hands dug into his hair and you could barely hang on. Joel was rigid but beckoning. Delicate but sinful. You felt a new rush of pure sensation with every movement. Your chest and the base of your spine are both under pressure at the same time. You were soaring high solely on passion and desire, out of breath. He backed away and lightly touched your delicate clit with his teeth. He inserted two fingers into you and plunged and curled them as you wilted carelessly.

Your body was familiar to him. Knew precisely what you wanted, how to operate it like a well-tuned guitar, and even what buttons to press and where to press them. He stroked your G-spot while simultaneously pressing his thumb into your clit. When Joel stood up, his chest heaving, the strain was dizzying as your orgasms ripped through you and your moans were still echoing in the air. He gently kissed your lips as he leaned forward on top of you, bracing his hands on each side of your head.

When you kissed him and cherished the flavor of the kiss, leisurely threads of need twisted inside you. Like desperation flavored with desire and soothed with compassion, robust and rich. You explored and licked the inside of his mouth as you panted. He moaned in hunger and want, “Birdie…” Your hands roamed, your hearts pounding in sync and your kisses growing in intensity until the heat became too much to bear.

He took off his boxers and you flipped both of you over with the help of gravity, and you gradually sank into him, taking him in, inch by inch until he was buried deep inside of you. Hitting deeper, and tasting sweeter. You rocked against Joel as his hands held onto your hips. A delightful pressure swelled inside of you, rising higher and higher until your head was distorted with lust. Sweat misted your skin. Moans filled the air. He was certainly straining to hold back, but he made no move to take control as you both experienced toe-curling orgasms at the same time. When Joel brought you down for a kiss, the second, smaller climax that the overpowering intimacy of the moment had triggered was still reverberating through you.

Your eyes are half-lidded as you pull away from the kiss and look at Joel, who’s heavily panting, breathless, and in awe of you. Joel flips you both over, and your back hits the mattress. He kisses you again, still, inside of you, you are still sensitive from your previous orgasm and cry out, “I can’t…” He pants and groans, “Yes you can sweet girl. You can do it. One more for me Birdie.” He’s hitting deeper and quicker as you try to squirm away from him but all he does is pin you down, grabbing your hands to lock them above your head, causing you to scream and cry out in pleasure. “You’re doing so well. You’re such a good girl.” He praises, and everything feels and sounds amplified, every thrust his hips make, the sounds of slick wet skin slapping together, each grunt and moan mixing and blending between you both finally brings you and him over the edge. He pulls out and paints your stomach while you clench and moan throughout your release.

He folds over atop you, his weight is a welcoming feeling, like a large protective blanket. You’re running your fingers through his hair as he continues to catch his breath and you hum happily, “You good cowboy or do you need a wheelchair?” He grunts, “Haven’t done that in a while. Cut the man some slack.” You laugh loudly and kiss the side of his forehead and he sighs with contentment. After a while, he rolls off of you, pulling you closer to his side, peppering your neck and cheek with kisses, “I’m goin’ to get a clean towel to clean us up.” You nod as he gets up, walks over to the bathroom, comes back with a clean rag, and wipes off the slick between your thighs and stomach.

He sets the cloth aside and climbs back in bed with you, tossing the blanket over both of your bodies, gripping your hips, and pulling you close. You kiss him again, just because you can and both of you are smiling widely at each other. You take a deep breath and close your eyes as you place your forehead on top of his, and Joel grumbles, “I should have pulled out earlier.” To which you yawn, “I have an IUD, it’ll expire in ten years.” Joel’s mouth opens, “You have a… oh right.” You laugh, “Yep. So I can keep riding you, my cowboy.” He smacks your ass and kisses you again as you yelp in surprise, “Keep talkin’ like that and we’re not gonna get any sleep tonight.” You roll your eyes in response but smile up at him.

The quiet between you two is comforting and allows you to rest your eyes, no awkwardness, just a blistering moment of peace. The night sky once ruled your imagination and you used to turn the dials with careful calculation. After a while, you thought you'd never find him and convinced yourself that you would never find him.

Then suddenly, he saw you through telescopes and calculations, the far was pulled so near. You opened your eyes to find yourself under his warm gaze, trying to memorize every feature as if you were constellations in the night sky. But the looming threat that hangs over you makes an appearance in the dark corner of the back of your mind, you whisper, “Joel.” He hums in acknowledgment and you continue, “You should give Ellie a choice. She also has every right to choose too.” He’s quiet for a moment before he sighs agreeing, “Yeah… Been thinking about it a while ago before you jumped my bones.” You smack his shoulder, “I did not!” To which he kisses you breathlessly, “I’ll give her the choice tomorrow.” You nod and cup the side of his face and he says to you so quietly, “We have a long way to go.” To which your eyes softened and kissed the tip of his nose, “Yes, but look how far we’ve come.”

THE RANCH, MASTER BEDROOM

JACKSON, WYOMING – EARLY MORNING

In the morning you don’t say it as both of you wake up to your bodies closely tangled with each other. His heavy arms are wrapped around your waist and his legs are inserted with yours as he kisses the back of your neck. Continuing to worship your entire being. You both had woken up early, sharing the water in the shower, to which you had both agreed you needed to save water, but it was just an excuse to keep touching each other.

By the time you both got out of the hot shower, you both got dressed and made your way to the stables. The chirping of birds brings you to smile at yourself as you brush your horse, preparing to leave. “You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie asks the both of you, causing you to look away from the task and tilt your head and smirk as Joel replies, “No. We came here to steal the horses and go.” To which Tommy says, “I woulda given you them.” And Joel replies with, “I know,” He sniffs and walks to Ellie before continuing, “Anyway… that was thirty minutes ago, and I guess… you deserve a choice. I still think you’d be better off with Tommy…” It’s no surprise that Ellie shoves her bag at Joel, “Let’s go.” He blinks and you laugh as he answers, “Okay.”

Both of you exit the stables with your horses, Joel helps Ellie mount his horse and you mount your own horse. “General direction?” Joel asks his brother, “Head southeast til you hit I-25. It’s right off the interstate. Shouldn’t be hard to miss.” He nods at Tommy before they both pull each other into a hug. They pull away and Tommy says, “There’s a place for you here… All three of you.” Joel gruffly says, “Countin’ on it.” And he spots Tommy’s rifle swung across his shoulder, “Can I borrow that?” Tommy nods, “Yeah.” But Joel continues to talk, “‘Cause Maria took mine.” Tommy throws him a look, “I already said yes, Joel. Adios, big brother.”

The large wooden gate’s latch is lifted open as your two horses trot through the snow. Exiting the safe, gated, community of Jackson. Your journey continues through the wilderness of Wyoming. The cold chilly air creates goosebumps at the back of your neck as you ride your horse past the tall emerald-green trees.

After a couple of hours of riding, Joel decides to teach Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. The sound of loud gunshots rings out as Ellie misses the main target. She sighs and Joel comments, “Wide right. You’re flinchin’.” You stand behind the two, enjoying the view of Joel and Ellie having some time together. Ellie shakes her head at him, denying, “The target’s too small.” Joel harrumphs at her, “I made it bigger than I should’ve. Eject the cartridge.” She does as she is told, and said, “I am not flinching.” Joel hums, “Mm-mhm.” Ellie doesn’t let up, “The rifle just sucks.”

“Okay, give it,” Joel said and Ellie gives it to him and whines, “It doesn’t aim right.” Joel only hums again, “Mm-hmm.” And Ellie frowns as she lifts her binoculars, “You’ll see.” They swap places and Joel grunts as he adjusts the rifle, “A deep breath in, slow breath out.” The girl sighs and Joel glances behind him to look at you, “You squeeze the trigger like you love it.” Your face warms at the memory of what happened last night and what he could be insinuating. You try to hide your smile, he winks at you and then looks to the scope, his voice getting deeper, “Gentle… steady… nice and slow.” Ellie drops her binoculars and groans, “You gonna shoot this thing or get Birdie pregnant? ‘Cause holy shit you guys were loud.” You choke on air at the same time Joel looks at Ellie shamelessly before looking back at the scope with his finger on the trigger. Ellie shakes her head, continuing to be in denial, “It isn’t gonna work. It doesn’t aim right.” A gunshot rings out, and it's a perfect headshot. “You dick.” Ellie says while Joel just smirks smugly and turns to look at you, “Birdie would know.” You throw your head and hands up in exasperation, “I fuckin’ can’t with you two.”

Wind bustled through the branches of the trees, making the leaves howl in their symphony. The horses trot through the snow, as the three of you make your way to the University of Eastern Colorado. The silence is no longer present, only filled by Ellie’s questions and Joel's answers. You occasionally input your own thoughts and ideas, correcting Joel when needed, but otherwise, you let yourself watch them form a connection that Joel was so afraid of.

“So the way they ran stuff in Jackson, was how things used to be?” Ellie asked, and Joel replies, “No. The country was too big for that. Back then, there were basically two main ways of lookin’ at things. Some people wanted to own everything. And some people didn’t want anyone to own anything at all.” Ellie hums, “Which one were you?” And you hear Joel reply, “Neither. I just did my job.” To which you chuckled, knowing that Joel has always tried to stay neutral in anything, it’s more efficient that way.

“Which was… building?” Ellie asks, and Joel confirms her guess, “That’s right. Houses, stores, that kinda thing. We were called ‘contractors’.” The teen mocks his voice, trying to deepen it, “The contractor. That’s pretty cool.” Joel smiles, his lips quirking a bit to the right, “Yeah. We were cool. Everybody loved contractors.” You rolled your eyes at Joel, letting him off the hook and not wanting to correct him at all.

The days go by and you three have been closer than ever. Joel and Ellie discuss the basics and rules of football while you hum to yourself the new song stuck in your head. Enjoying the sight of Joel and Ellie laughing and smiling over mundane topics, feeling your heart more full than ever before. A part of you that had been missing so long, a family you didn’t even know existed, a family you now found.

Further down the road, you pass by the sign indicating to take the I-25. “Well, how ‘bout that? Made it in five days.” Ellie adds, “Easy days. I don’t know what Tommy was so afraid of.” Joel’s mouth curls downwards, “Still time to find out.” To which Ellie mimics his baritone voice, “Still time to find out,” she then creepily whispers, “The Contractorrrr.”

The horses snort and huff as its hooves clop and trot on the pavement of the road. You make your way to the entrance of the deserted university, Ellie says aloud, “Home of the Big Horns. What does that mean?” And you answer, “It was their team mascot. It’s a kind of sheep.” Ellie smiles up at Joel, “Oh, see? One step closer to your dream. Don’t see any Fireflies, though.” He forms a hypothesis, “They’re probably in the middle. Safer.” He nods and leads, “This way.”

Joel has his rifle ready with one hand on the reins. The campus is eerily empty and quiet as your horses trot on the grounds. “So these places… people would live here and, like, what? Got to classes and stuff?” And you nod, “Yup. Sometimes even do research, like me.” She points out, “Even though they were adults.” Yours and Joel’s voices blended together as he answered, “Sort of adults.” While you said, “They were fake adulting.”

“I think it was just as much about partying and findin’ themselves as anythin’ else. Figuring what they wanted to do with their lives.” Joel plainly puts, and Ellie chuckles, “What they wanted to do with their lives.” To your happy surprise, your ears perk up when Joel says, “So I’ve been thinkin’.” You and Ellie urge him to continue, “I don’t want a sheep ranch, actually. I mean, if the deal is I can do anything?” And Ellie nods, “That’s the deal.” He faces the road ahead with a gaze so soft you barely recognized him, “Well… when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.” Ellie laughs while you smile widely at him, teeth showing and cheeks pinched upwards, the kid says, “Shut up.” While you say, “Come on Cowboy, let’s hear it. Serenade me.”

“No, you’re both already laughin’.” He grumpily replies, his eyebrows knitted together, and both you and Ellie protest, “Well, you’re singing for me later. I’m gonna save the fuckin’ world, man. It’s the least you could do for me.” Joel relents, “Fair enough. Birdie, what about you? Have you changed your dream yet?”

You smiled at the two people you’d gotten close with over the past few months, the unlikely bond you now were a part of, “I have everything I need right here, what else would I need to dream about?” you said. The two of them looked at you, wide-eyed and breathless at your statement. How funny it is to think, we only notice light when darkness crashes against it. The melody you carry is the strength while they come undone and the aftermath that makes them new.

Content with your answer, you trot forward with your horse and you three stumble upon a troop of monkeys that presumably escaped from a lab, Ellie exclaims excitedly, “Are those monkeys?” The troop proceeds to run away as Joel says, “Must be from the old labs.” The young girl laughs, “Look at them go.” Joel glances at her and asks, “First time seein’ a monkey?” Ellie parrots as a reply, “First time seein’ a monkey.”

“Lookit.” Joel points out to spot a Firefly symbol, “Here we go.” Ellie says, and your head in the direction of the research lab. As you arrive at what looks to be the entrance to the lab, “Guard stations.” Ellie states and Joel hums, “Mhm. No guards.” Ellie is unnerved and wary, she asks to take out her gun, and Joel allows it.

You dismount your horse and tie it to the tree, Joel and Ellie do the same. You arm yourselves as you walk inside the lab. The sound of your footsteps echoes in the deserted building, you look to the ground to see documents and masks littering the concrete floor. “There were definitely doctors here,” Ellie says looking at the test tubes and you spot a brown file on top of the metal trolly. You lift the cover of the folder, peeking at the papers, your eyes skimming over the words while lifting up the yellow sheet of paper, “This is a packing list. They moved out of here.” Ellie’s eyebrows furrow, “They just left?”

And on cue you hear the sound of metal clanging from upstairs, your heads whip up in the direction of the noise, and Ellie remarks, “Maybe not all of them.” Joel takes the lead as you make your way up the stairs, hearing the clanging sound getting louder. Joel finds the specific door to where the noises were coming from, and he readies his pistol, slowly pushing the door open, slightly creaking as it does, to be followed by a high-pitched screech.

Two monkeys hop out of the room through the window, screeching at you for disturbing them. You all lower your weapons and survey the area. You snort at the fact it was so anti-climactic for nothing, Joel utters, “Well… at least it ain’t Clickers.” And Ellie mumbles, “Yeah, no Fireflies either. Maybe in all that research, they turned into fuckin’ monkeys.” You and Joel sense her disappointment, her need for reformation, and ways she could be better in her mind.

You look through the medical equipment and research notes, trying to look for clues to where the group of researchers transferred. Joel approaches the large wooden corkboard, a map of the United States is on display along with notes pasted on the side. You and Ellie walk up next to Joel to analyze the pins pushed in the lines that trace along the roads leading to the center. “That’s where they went?” Ellie said, pointing out St. Mary's Hospital, located in Salt Lake City, Utah. Joel nods, “All the pins lead there. Maybe gettin’ ahead of the weather… better facilities? I don’t know.” The joy in you vanishes against your will. The light goes out and your heart goes still, and just like that, you believe in ghosts.

But then, the trio hears voices. Looking out the window, Joel sees four men armed with weapons, they were raiders. You were weighed down by dread, the flutter of fear in your stomach causes your palms to sweat and tremble. You needed to get out of here and fast. Joel quietly tells you both, “Out the back.” You run down the steps and find the back door, your guns are drawn as you stealthily make it back to your horses, staying ever vigilant. You’re a few steps away from your horses, Joel turns to you both asking in a hushed tone, “Ready?” And you both nod, “Yeah.”

You run to your own horse while Ellie and Joel untie theirs. Something caught your eye in your peripheral vision, a blur of a shadow, and you turn to see a man carrying a baseball bat, lifting it while running at Joel. Ellie screams his name out while you ran towards the attacker, the baseball bat breaks as he tries to hit you but instead strikes a tree. You didn’t think, you just acted, protecting the two people who kept you safe for the majority of your journey. Shoving him with as much force as you could, the raider hits the tree, and Joel comes to your aid, grabbing the raider to break the man’s neck.

You didn’t even realize it until Joel had turned around, in the struggle, the sharp wooden hilt of the bat is stuck inside his abdomen, blood seeping out through the jacket. Ellie’s eyes grow wide in horror and Joel looks down, and grunts as he pulls out the sharp hilt of the bat, you scream, “No, don’t!” But you were too late, and Ellie yells your name, “Birdie you’re also bleeding!” You look down at your own abdomen to find a large slash across it, the maroon blood dripping on the freshly fallen snow, you direct Ellie, “Get Joel on the horse now. We need to leave before…” You hear yelling from a distance and you aim and shoot at the raiders with one hand as the other clutches your stomach while Ellie helps Joel up and back onto the horse.

You use all the strength that you have and pull yourself up to your horse, following Ellie as she shoots them back with you, she yells, “Get back!” And you three were in time to get away from all the other raiders coming. After a few minutes, you three have managed to make it to a safe distance from the attackers, “They’re not following us, I think we’re safe.” Joel doesn’t reply, and Ellie voices her concern as her voice rises as she says yours and Joel’s name.

He’s the first one to collapse from his horse, and you go toppling down as well. You feel the plush landing of the pile of snow, Ellie immediately comes both to your sides, and she says in distress, “Fuck! Shit, no, no no.” The cold weather mixed with the blood loss you were both dealing with were not the best conditions for either of you. “Joel, Birdie, open your eyes come on.” You bring your tired eyes to the girls and cough out to Ellie, “Place pressure on his abdomen and drag him using his sleeping bag, the rope, and the horse Leave me here and find someplace warm.” Ellie can feel her eyes sting and her vision goes blurry, it feels like bittersweet poetry. You softly grab your hand, “Listen to me. Ellie.” She tries to shake her head but you gritted your teeth, the adrenaline had begun to fade and you were beginning to feel the sharp pain across your stomach, you grunt and squeeze her soft small hands, “Ellie, remember what I asked you to promise? Go. Please, save him.”

It had been a campfire night out in the woods at the university and Joel had fallen asleep again during watch. You had both been talking about mundane things, to your hobbies and what you missed about home, to ask about what her life was like in FEDRA school, at one point you realized that there would be a difficult decision to make and that you needed to prepare her just in case it might occur. You didn’t memorize everything from the game, but you knew damn well there would be a possibility that you and Joel might get injured and Ellie would have to choose.

You grab her hand, abruptly stopping her from her previous sentence, and look her in the eye, “Ellie. There will be a time when you have to choose between me and Joel. In the event we both get badly injured, you need to save Joel, no questions asked.” The teen tries to protest but you silence her, leaving no room for argument, “Joel will protect you better than I ever could, we both know that. You need him more than me, I’ve been alone for almost all of my life… this is nothing new, but you… you are something so special. You must choose Joel for your sake, do you understand?” Ellie’s lips form a thin line, and stubbornly she shakes her head, “No. I’ll save you both. Just you watch.” Your eyes soften at her naiveness and hope, “You can’t save everyone, Ellie. So, I know it’s unfair to ask you this, but I need you to promise me to save him when it comes down to it.” Her eyes begin to water as she reluctantly tells you, “Okay.”

In a voice so broken and vulnerable, you hear Ellie whisper into the cold air as she puts pressure on Joel’s wound and looks at both of you, “I can’t fuckin’ do this without you. I don’t know where the fuck I’m going, what the fuck I’m gonna do. Joel, Birdie.” You give her a small smile, “Ellie, sometimes, just getting up and carrying on is brave and magnificent. Keep going, Ellie.” She sniffs and she lets tears slip down her cheeks, you keep smiling as you use the rest of your strength to lift your hand to cup her cheek, wiping away the tears, “It’s okay. It’s okay, Ellie. This was where I was meant to be. Thank you, Ellie, remember that you are loved.”

You feel your vision begins to fade and drop your hand from Ellie’s cheek, letting your head rest on the plush snow, no longer looking at the teen, you tearily look up to feel the snowflakes gently fall on your face. You distantly hear Ellie drag Joel and tie him up on the sleeping bag as a makeshift sled. Your eyelids begin to feel heavy and start to droop, you turn your head to see Joel struggling to open his eyes, seeing your freezing, bleeding-out body staining the white cold snow. Joel cries out your name, pleading, “Birdie. Wait. No. Please…”

You look up at the bright gray sky, blinking and slowly beginning to only hear muffled sounds. Your horse decides to rest next to you, knowing what was about to happen, cuddling your bleeding-out body, and staying with you til the end. You decide that this was the best way to go, protecting and shielding the people you loved as much as you could. So you hum carols softly, as sweet as you know, a prayer that our burdens will lift as you go.

Previous Chapter -> Next Chapter

END NOTES:

AGAIN MY BAD FOR THE HUGGGEEE DELAY – I 1000% blame the jet lag since I just flew out to somewhere on the East Coast! Sorry, ya’ll! T^T (Also the fuckin 5 hours of sleep, I am running on fumes rn)

YAY YOU KISSED AND SLEPT TOGETHER WOW GOOD JOB

UR OFFICIALLY HIS GIRL *confetti*

Holy fucking shit that was sO HARD TO WRITE

OKAY NOT BECAUSE I WAS UNCOMFY WRITING IT CHILL– its um, cuz, miss gorl here has never been properly kissed or um had a boyfriend lol so take a freaking guess to why

So writing a romance scene reALLY REALLY TESTED MY KNOWLEDGE, PATIENCE, AND HECKING ALL THE ROMANCE BOOKS I’VE READ PLEASE I WAS CLAWING MY WAY THROUGH THE ENTIRE TIME

I hope it wasn’t too awful or unrealistic :,))

HORRAY FOR FINALLY FACING YOUR FEAR AND VOICING OUT UR NEEDS AND WANTS GOOD JOB HERE HAVE A COOKIE

FUCK JOEL GOT STABBED MF

YOU ALSO GOT INJURED?? AGAIN?? WTF IS WRONG WITH U *bonk* ARE U DEAD OH NO? WTH!?!?1

ALSO MF PEDRO PASCAL IF I EVER MEET YOU I MIGHT HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN IN FRONT OF YOU AFTER YOU DESCRIBED PTSD SO WELL WTF– ahem, I have PTSD and I’ve never seen me represented properly in any television series or movies. It’s always (usually) war veterans yk (CALM DOWN— CHILL PRETTY VALID AND PRETTY DAMN FUCKIN TRAUMATIC) But as someone who has PTSD and yk hasn’t been to a literal war it’s a bit harder to connect or relate to it (im not fucking whining, I’m just telling you my experience with PTSD) But the way Pedro showed it— fuck man. It was like staring at a mirror. My own brokeness represented in one episode. I felt so seen for the first time.

BUT THIS ONE, MF PEDRO U DESERVE ALL THE AWARDS

yay for Maria and Tommy! Such cuties congrats on the baby!!

someone should probably help me find a boyfriend— idk i Need research for smut :DD (this is a joke please don’t)

This chapter was wAYYYU more personal and intimate to write about. I just needed to do this right for my sake and others.

Sorry for the delay! The smut part was a little bit intimidating to write since yk I have zero experience with it LMAO

Thank you for sticking with me and I look forward to all of your comments and feedback! It gives me an idea if im doing this right and opportunity to connect with all of you! I LOVE YOU GUYS SOSOS MUCH AND OFF TO EP 7 I GO AHHHHH

Grace

#uneven odds joel miller #unevenodds #uneven odds #unevenoddstaglist #alternate universe #joel miller masterlist #joel miller x poc!reader #joel miller series #joel miller x reader #joelmiller #joel miller x reader au #joel miller x y/n #joel miller x reader tlou #joel miller x modern reader #tlouhbo #tlou series #tlou #tlou hbo #tlou au

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drdemonprince · 17 days

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CW: suicide, commitment, psychosis

My sibling is someone who unequivocally says being committed saved their life and was not inherently traumatic outside of the extremely traumatic mental health crisis that led to it. (However, our local psych ER/psych inpatient is probably one of the better ones and does not use any kind of restraints or force medication. They seem to have an okay track record explaining what the pills are and asking if the person can try them, which I get can still be coercive in some cases, but worked well with my sibling. Also, I was visiting them as much as I could every day, which they found really helpful, and I could keep my eye out for any issues.)

My sibling (~30) had a severe psychotic episode that doesn't quite fit any current DSM diagnosis. They went 0 to 100 from no suicidal ideation to actively attempting suicide in front of me due to delusions about being hunted by supernatural entities who would torture them. They finally could not sleep for days, and therefore I could not go to sleep because they'd try to kill themself. They were not dangerous to me intentionally, but one or both of us could have been hurt by me trying to take a weapon from them. They could not think at all outside of panic and delusions and had no short term memory, so they describe themself as having been incapable of understanding their condition. They weren't able to engage with any social interventions, because how would you have the time or bandwidth if you were living in terror of demons about to torture you and couldn't remember conversations from an hour ago?

They went to the hospital voluntarily after being stopped from attempting, but then they were committed because of aforementioned memory issues when they shortly informed the doctors they had to leave and kill themself. In a moment of lucidity, they were glad to be there, but they just couldn't stay lucid from moment to moment. Trying to get outpatient help in the weeks all this was escalating had been fruitless, with a lot of dismissive assholes, but these particular inpatient docs actually cared and asked how they were doing and figured out a dose of antipsychotics that made it all just... stop like a switch had been flipped.

Once they weren't operating under the terrifying delusions, they 100% did not want to die and were so relieved I stopped them and got help from others when it was becoming too dangerous to us both for me to intervene alone. I get that this kind of crisis is really different from living with chronic suicidal ideation or depression, which is something I personally deal with on a low level, but it was a genuine, terrifying situation where someone's expressed wishes were the opposite of what they wanted when they could understand their situation more fully.

I am allowed to share this, but if this is somehow not on anon, please delete it. Stigma about psychosis is REAL.

Yo this is super helpful, thank you for sharing. One of the trickier aspects of upholding disabled people's autonomy and taking a harm reductionist approach to suicide and self-harm is the fact that people in a state of psychosis may temporarily want something they would otherwise never want.

Though with some experience working through it with a caring and informed support network, it is possible to stand in for the person's stated desires and help them get through the period of lacking lucidity -- and of course psychosis can become a lot less destabilizing with time. i know someone who relies on a close friend to help ground them when they're having delusions and hallucinations -- a quick phone call is now enough to convince them they don't need to kill themselves, but that's after years of getting used to having psychotic states.

glad you and your sibling found solutions and made it through this okay.

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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 7 months

Text

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 25

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 10/25/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk. Chapter Warning: Heavy themes in this chapter. That is all I will say so as not to ruin anything. Feel free to reach out for more details before reading.

Chapter Quote: "Just let me come home. Please."

I was only vaguely aware of the flurry of activity around me. As the aftereffects of the adrenaline rush started to set in, I began to feel like the room was spinning around me. Struggling to breathe, I did my best to fight off the fainting feeling that had suddenly overtaken me. Even though I felt like I may have blacked out briefly, I found myself still upright on my knees, hunched over with one shaking hand resting on the floor to balance myself. Two nurses quickly appeared by my side, attempting to coach me through the panic attack I was currently experiencing. The heavy, constricting feeling in my chest was growing increasingly worse. I roughly rubbed at the aching area, trying to shake off the feeling. I thought I knew how to handle these episodes, but this was unlike anything I had ever experienced. Then again, everything related to Dieter had been unlike anything I had experienced before. The good and the bad.

One of the nurses began to ask me questions about my symptoms, specifically about chest pains. They were discussing doing an EKG as I started shaking my head and pushing them away from me. That was the last thing I wanted or needed. I somehow managed to get myself up out of the middle of the floor and moved over to a chair, leaning forward to lower my head between my knees. It helped with the faint feeling, but it did not do anything to dampen the anxiety I was currently feeling over the situation.

After several minutes one of the ER doctors came out to check on me. I couldn’t focus on anything he said as tears continued to pour out of my eyes. I was an emotional mess. I stared at the floor, expressionless, while listening to Lauren and Gabby explain to the doctor what had triggered the episode. Lauren asked if he could give me something to help calm me down. He returned a short time later with a bottle of water and a tablet in a small plastic cup, offering it to me. I glanced at him as I knitted my brows together.

“I don’t need that,” I said quietly. My voice was hoarse, and my mouth dry. I wiped at my face, trying to appear more put together than I felt.

“Yeah, I don’t really agree with that assessment,” he replied with a sympathetic look.

I let out a small huff, looking away from him as I thought about it. “What is it?”

“It’s a two-milligram diazepam tablet. It’s for anxiety and will help you relax so you don’t have another panic attack.” He held out the plastic cup and bottle of water again.

Gabby and Lauren were now at my side, encouraging me to take it. I sighed in defeat as I took the pill and water from the doctor; I did not have the capacity or will to actively argue with them about it. The chalky tablet stuck to my tongue as I opened the bottle. I gulped down the cold refreshment, thankful it washed away the cottonmouth sensation and lingering taste from the medication.

The doctor gave Gabby and Lauren a pointed look as he told them to alert one of the nurses if they needed anything else from him before he turned and disappeared behind the double doors. I could feel Gabby and Lauren’s eyes on me as I sat staring at the floor.

“Seriously, you two, gawking at me isn’t going to help things.” I felt slightly annoyed. I just wanted to be left alone to suffer without them looking at me like I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I glanced up at Lauren as she narrowed her eyes on me and let out a heavy sigh. She shook her head out of frustration before standing and motioning toward Gabby to follow her to the other side of the waiting area to sit with Alex.

I turned slightly in the seat, pulling my knees up to my chest and leaned my head against my legs. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply in an attempt to calm my still racing heartbeat. After a short time, I could feel the medication taking effect as relaxation overtook my body and drowsiness set in. I soon slipped into a hazy dream state as dark images that I couldn’t quiet decipher played out behind my eyelids, inducing feelings of worry and loss.

I wasn’t sure how much time had passed when I was awakened by Gabby’s hand gently nudging my shoulder. When I raised my head, she let me know the doctor was there to speak with us. I took a deep breath as I stood slowly, still feeling a little off balance. Gabby must have noticed because she looped her arm with mine, guiding me over to where the doctor stood chatting with Alex and Lauren. As we walked toward them, I noticed Lauren was holding Alex’s hand tightly, while her other hand rested on his bicep. It was now clear to me that they had come here together. I smiled as I watched them, noticing the way they glanced at each other as Alex talked with the doctor. At least there was one piece of good news today. I was genuinely happy for them.

The doctor got straight to business as soon as he noticed us approaching. I could feel Gabby’s grip tighten on my arm as he started to speak. Realizing she was holding on for herself just as much as she was for me.

“We got him stabilized and admitted him to the Critical Care Unit for monitoring and supportive care while we wait for everything to cycle out of his system. We’re giving him fluids and oxygen. We’re going to keep an eye on his glucose, respiration, and cardiac activity and run labs every few hours to check all his levels.”

There was a collective sigh of relief from each of us with that news. I think we had all been expecting the worst. The doctor raised his hand to get our attention again, a grim look forming on his face. He hesitated before speaking but decided to continue with his thoughts.

“I don’t think I really need to say that it’s good you got him in here when you did, but I’m going to anyway. He was definitely on the decline. Mixing alcohol with the medications he’s taking is a huge risk. The alcohol with the antidepressants alone can have a sedative effect on the body and slow organ function down significantly. It can be fatal. He got very lucky.”

We knew what he was suggesting, and we all knew Dieter’s behavior couldn’t continue. We shook our heads in understanding. Gabby spoke up to ask if we could see him. We were told one of the nurses would provide us with his room information and that we could see him as soon as he was awake and alert. The doctor did warn us it could take some time since they were waiting for Dieter to sober up to further assess his condition.

A short time later, we found ourselves crowded into an elevator, making our way up to the CCU waiting area. I had finally calmed down enough to be functional, but my mind did feel a little cloudy from the medication. There was an underlying drowsiness that I had trouble shaking too. Then again, by this point we were creeping into the early morning hours when I would normally be sleeping, so the fatigue wasn’t too surprising. Once we finally found the waiting area, Alex offered to go get everyone snacks and coffee while Gabby stepped aside to call Ty and let him know what was going on.

I was happy to find an area in the back corner of the waiting room with a handful of seats that was cordoned off by a half wall and away from everyone else. The last thing we needed was for prying eyes to recognize one of us and snap a picture. I sank down into one of the oversized upholstered chairs with my legs splayed out in front of me and my arms crossed, attempting to find some relief for my lower back. The lightly padded wooden chairs in the ER were not ideal for long-term sitting and had unfortunately caused some pain and stiffness to set in.

I sat staring at the wall in front of me, trying to think about anything other than Dieter laying in a hospital bed hooked up to several machines. It wasn’t a picture I needed in my head if I was going to keep my shit together. Lauren tentatively walked over to sit next to me. She seemed unsure of how to approach me or what to say. I glanced in her direction, and she gave me a tight-lipped smile before asking how I was doing.

“I’m ok, I think. Better now that I know he’s stabilized.” I furrowed my brows, now focusing on the collection of magazines haphazardly strewn about on the table in front of me. I raised one hand and rubbed at the crease above the bridge of my nose. I could feel a slight throb forming there. I let out a measured breath before dropping my hand and looking back over to Lauren. She chewed on the inside of her cheek as she looked around the room. Her eyes eventually landed back on my face.

“Is there anything I can get you?”

“You got anything for a headache? I don’t know where my purse is. I’m not even sure if I grabbed it before I left the house. Fuck, I don’t even know where my keys are.” I sighed heavily, realizing that the last several hours were a complete blur. I shook my head out of frustration.

Lauren gave me an empathetic look before she started to dig through her purse, quickly finding what she was looking for and passed it over to me. She also pulled out my half-drunk bottle of water from earlier that I had completely forgotten about. I gave her a small smile and thanked her as I swallowed down whatever pain reliever she had handed me. As I screwed the cap back on the bottle, I looked over at her with a genuine smile.

“So, you and Alex, huh? How long has that been going on?”

Her cheeks tinged pink as a wide grin spread across her face. “Hard to say when it actually started…he came into the shop the morning before we went to that club thing, and we chatted about charcoal drawings.” She chuckled at the memory. “He kind of just kept coming in after that, always asking questions about supplies. Then he came to a couple of the ceramics classes, and I asked him if he wanted to go out to lunch after one of them. It went from there. It’s been a slow process. He’s shy as fuck.”

We both laughed. It amazed me how he was the complete opposite of Dieter. They seemed to be nothing alike. I sat for a moment, thinking how long it had been since the night we went to the club. My eyes widened as the realization hit me.

“Geez, that was like seven months ago. You’ve been keeping it from me for that long?”

Lauren grimaced slightly, “Well, we weren’t sure where it was going and didn’t want to make things weird for everyone in case it didn’t work out. Then the whole thing happened with you and Dieter…I just didn’t want to upset you with news I was dating his brother. I knew it would make it harder for you to separate yourself from him. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

I leaned forward in my seat, reaching over to grab her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Seriously, I’m fine with it. I would’ve been fine with it if you had told me sooner. Dieter and I wouldn’t have encouraged it otherwise.”

Lauren stood and squished herself down in my chair beside me, pulling me in for a tight hug, which I returned. Before I pulled away, I asked, “So do I want to know what was happening that night when I Facetimed you and you said you had a stray cat?”

She pulled away, her face turning beet red as she shook her head “no”. I couldn’t help but to snicker at her.

“I guess he isn’t that shy then, huh?” I said with a chuckle. She gave me a mischievous smirk before shrugging, “He has his moments.” We were both fighting back laughter as Gabby and Alex came walking around the corner. They gave us both a questioning look as they divided out the coffee and snacks but didn’t ask for details on what was so funny.

The mood seemed lighter after that. Knowing that Dieter was doing ok seemed to take a lot of the stress off us as we waited for him to wake up. Gabby spent time updating us on how the kids were doing and let it slip that she had known about Lauren and Alex’s exploits for a while. Apparently, they had been routinely joining her for dinner and were doing a shit job of hiding things. We all had a good laugh about it now that the truth was out in the open. Alex seemed more relaxed and chattier than I had known him to be in the past. It was sort of heartwarming to see and made me realize how much I had missed all of them. I suddenly felt a wave of regret for pushing them away since the infamous phone call that changed everything.

My attention was suddenly drawn to a light brown head of hair wandering around just on the other side of the short wall that separated us from the larger waiting area. I instantly tensed when I realized who it was. Gabby noticed my change in demeanor and followed my line of sight as I watched Anna walk around to where we were sitting.

I heard Alex and Lauren mutter a low “fuck” under their breaths in unison. Gabby stood up, defiantly blocking Anna from walking any closer.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Gabby asked her, rather curtly.

“Ty called me and said Dieter was in the hospital. He’s my friend and I’m coming to see if he needs anything.”

I couldn’t help the admonishing laugh that slipped from my lips. She sounded so ridiculous and clearly had no idea what was going on. My sudden outburst caused Anna’s wide eyes to focus on me over Gabby’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I said anything that was funny.” Anna’s eyes shifted back to Gabby, “What the hell is she doing here? He doesn’t wanna see her anymore.”

I wasn’t really sure what came over me as I shot up out of my seat without even realizing what I was doing. The complacent look Anna shot my way gave me the urge to smack it off her face. I had a similar urge the last couple of times that I was graced with her presence but managed to control it. The feeling was stronger this time, knowing that she had no doubt been Dieter’s biggest enabler when it came to the use of any kind of substance. Lauren must have recognized my fury because she jumped up behind me, grabbing at my arm.

“You wanna know why I’m here, Anna? Because he fucking called me right before he passed out.” I could feel anger radiating throughout my body. I knew she could see it on my face, but she wasn’t backing down this time.

“You say that like it’s a big deal. It’s not the first time he’s passed out from drinking too much. I’m sure he’s fine and you’re overreacting.”

I scoffed as I took another step forward. I could feel Gabby stick her arm out to block me from walking around her. Lauren linked her arm with mine and held on tightly. Alex stood off to the side with his right hand on his hip, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand, unsure of what to do.

“Overreacting? Are you that fucking stupid? He was unresponsive and almost stopped breathing. If I hadn't gone over there when I did, he wouldn’t be alive right now.”

Anna’s hand flew up to her chest. She had the audacity to look upset by my comment, like she finally understood how bad the situation was.

“Is he…is he ok?” She asked in a concerned voice.

I shook my head as I let out a small laugh, “You know, if you were such a good friend that really cared about him, you wouldn’t have enabled his behavior. You would’ve cut him off before he hurt himself. You were the only one out of all of us that he was speaking to and knew what he was doing… and you did nothing. Hell, you were probably encouraging him as you handed him more shots and who knows what else.”

One of the nurses came over and asked us if there was a problem. We assured her there was not. She looked between Anna and I, not convinced by our assurances.

“If you’re not family, I'm afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re disturbing everyone else in the waiting room.”

I exhaled loudly before shaking my head in agreement. I moved to leave, but Gabby grabbed my wrist tightly, stopping me in place. She turned to Anna and gave her a sweet smile, “Anna, I’ll let you know when you’re allowed to come see him. IF he wants to see you after he wakes up.”

Anna moved to leave, but paused, looking between Lauren and me.

“What about them? Why do they get to stay?”

“Because it’s my call. They’re more family to him than you’ll ever be.” Gabby’s words were laced with venom. I couldn’t see her face, but I was sure she had the expression to match her tone.

The corners of Anna’s mouth turned up into what I am sure was meant to be a menacing smile, but it didn’t quite hit the mark. “I’m sure that’ll no longer be the case once he’s awake.”

She gave Gabby and I both a pointed look before she turned on her heel and walked toward the exit. Once Anna was out of sight, Gabby let out the breath she had been holding and turned to look at me. She had a look of frustration on her face.

“She is such a fucking miserable person.”

I gave her a half smile, “You don’t have to tell me that twice.”

We both turned to face Lauren and Alex. Alex was still standing with his hands on his hips, his brows were drawn down together and he had a smirk on his face.

“Something wrong, Alex?” Gabby asked him.

“You two are fucking terrifying together. You know that? I wasn’t about to get in the middle of that mess… unless I absolutely had to.”

Gabby, Lauren, and I chuckled at him. Surprisingly, there was something in his stance and his reaction that reminded me so much of his brother in that moment. Maybe they were more alike than I had realized.

We all sat in silence, continuing our wait. After an hour, Lauren announced that she needed more caffeine, so she and Alex went in search of more coffee for all of us. After they left, I could feel Gabby’s eyes on me. I looked in her direction, meeting her gaze. I could tell she wanted to ask me something. I raised an eyebrow at her, “What is it?”

She scrunched her face up in thought, exhaling loudly as she leaned forward. “You don’t have to tell me, but how did you know Dieter had alcohol poisoning?”

I rubbed my hands over my face for a moment, trying to decide how to answer her question. I sat up straight and squared my shoulders, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly before responding. I could feel my face tense before I met her eyes and started to speak.

“I think you know I was in a shitty marriage before?” She nodded. “Well, let’s just say it got to a point where I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I was feeling pretty fucking hopeless and had a close call myself.”

I watched her shoulders drop and her brow furrow as she processed my words.

“I don’t think I was as bad off as Dieter, but it was enough to scare the shit out of me. I’ve had a complicated relationship with alcohol ever since. I don’t manage my emotions very well, so I have to watch myself.”

Gabby moved to sit next to me, then pulled me into a tight embrace.

“I’m sorry I tried to dump things on you when Dieter stopped talking to us. I shouldn’t have done that, and I should’ve been there to support you more than I was,” she said as she pulled away.

I shook my head at her, “Gabby, no. It’s fine. He’s your brother. I totally get where you were coming from, and I pushed you all away. Some of that’s on me. I should’ve handled this whole situation differently than I did.”

Our conversation was interrupted by Alex and Lauren returning with the next round of coffee. It was nearing 4 AM, so I was thankful for it. Once it had cooled off, I gulped it down quickly. I was beginning to feel restless sitting for so long. I got up and started walking around the waiting room to keep myself busy, looking at the cheap stock art that hung on the walls. Every minute seemed like ten as the night stretched on. The wait was maddening. We did get a couple of updates during that time that Dieter was still doing ok, and all of his tests were coming back normal, but he hadn’t woken up yet. We at least had that bit of information to keep our positivity up while we waited.

It was close to 8 AM when I sat scrolling through my phone, but not really reading anything. Lauren had fallen asleep on Alex’s shoulder. He was dozing off with his head laying on top of hers. Gabby was in one of the oversized chairs with her head leaned against the back and her knees pulled up to her chest, asleep. I gave up trying to focus on my phone. I slid it into my back pocket as I stood to walk around for a minute. As I rounded the edge of the dividing wall, I saw the CCU physician, Dr. Wilson, walking toward us. I turned to get everyone’s attention to let them know he was coming.

We all crowded around the doctor as he walked into the small waiting area that we had claimed. I noticed the look on his face was concerning compared to how he looked when he had spoken to us earlier. I suddenly felt knots in my stomach and braced for the worst.

“Alright, first, let me say he’s awake and he’s fine… physically. Which is surprising given that his BAC was off the charts. He’s seriously lucky that you got him here when you did.”

Gabby and I exchanged a nervous glance, not really understanding where this was going.

“We didn’t find any drugs in his system, other than what he had been prescribed and those were all at normal levels.”

I suddenly felt guilty with that news. He had said he wasn’t on anything and none of us believed him. I started rubbing at my chest and shoulder. The anxious feeling was returning. I didn’t like where this conversation was going. I started inhaling deep breaths to try and keep myself calm.

Dr. Wilson paused, thinking through his next words carefully. “When he woke up, he was obviously confused. He got combative and he’s a little overly emotional. I’m not a mental health professional, but I think he may be having some type of manic episode. One of our consulting psychiatrists is evaluating him right now.”

To say that we were stunned was an understatement. We were quiet for a moment, silent glances of worry passing between each of us. Gabby looked overwhelmed as she ran her hand through the top of her hair, bunching it at the crown of her head.

“So, what does that mean?” She finally asked.

“Well, it’s possible it could be the medications he’s currently taking. If he has some sort of undiagnosed disorder, it could be causing a bad reaction. That’s the theory I’m going with. Is he currently seeing a psychiatrist?”

Gabby gave Dr. Wilson a blank stare, then looked at me with panicked eyes as she shook her head. “I don’t know anything about what he’s doing.”

I reached out and grabbed Gabby’s hand in an attempt to comfort her before I spoke up.

“As far as I know… but this was months ago… he was seeing a therapist who was working with his primary care doctor for medication.”

“But he has prescriptions from two different doctors? Do you know if he was drug seeking?”

I drew my brows down together at the question and shook my head from side to side.

“No, I don’t… I don’t think he would do that. I know when he was in Canada filming… he was referred to someone because he was there for five or six months. I assume that’s why there are two. I know they gave him something new while he was there. An antidepressant… I think.”

Dr. Wilson shook his head in understanding, “Alright, I’m going to recommend that he see a psychiatrist who also does therapy. I think he needs someone who is a little more experienced with certain types of disorders and medication. I can provide some suggestions. These Hollywood types around here tend to hand out drugs like they’re candy without figuring out what’s actually going on.”

Dr. Wilson paused, then waved someone over to us. An older woman with graying hair joined us. Dr. Wilson introduced her as Dr. Stevenson and indicated she was the consulting psychiatrist who had been evaluating Dieter. I could feel Gabby’s grip tighten on my hand as she stared at the psychiatrist, unblinking. Alex stepped forward and put a hand on Gabby’s shoulder in comfort. Dr. Stevenson gave us a reassuring smile as she motioned for us to have a seat. She sat down on the table in front of us before she spoke.

“I just had an interesting talk with Dieter. He’s…definitely exhibiting signs of a mixed manic episode. Do any of you know if he has been diagnosed with anything?”

Gabby and Alex looked at me, clearly, they knew nothing about what was going on with their brother. I inhaled sharply before speaking.

“The only thing I’ve ever heard him talk about is anxiety and depression.”

Dr. Stevenson nodded. “Can you tell me how long he’s been acting like this?”

Gabby spoke up, “We really don’t know. He was away filming for a while then wouldn’t really speak to any of us after he got back.” She glanced at me as she spoke, a questioning look on her face.

I shut my eyes tightly, rubbing the wrinkled spot that had formed between my eyebrows as I tried to think back. “He’s always been kind of moody… but umm, they made some medication changes right before he left for Canada, then again a few weeks after he got there.”

I exhaled slowly and dropped my hand before meeting Dr. Stevenson’s eyes. “I know when I was there visiting, he was skipping meals, which is unusual for him. His mood was one extreme to the other, but I just figured that was because he was upset about me leaving. He seemed like he had a short fuse… like he was quick to get mad or frustrated. I know he’s been having trouble sleeping for a long time. I think it was like three weeks after I left, he called me and broke things off and wasn’t really making sense. That was like six months ago. I’ve not really talked to him since then.”

Dr. Stevenson listened intently as I talked. She reached out and gave my hand a pat, before she spoke again. “It’s my opinion that he would benefit from inpatient treatment. He needs to be supervised while they get him off all of these medications so they can get a base level reading and evaluate him properly. It’s possible he could have some withdrawal symptoms that would need to be managed during that process. I really feel that he’s been misdiagnosed, and his current medication regimen is making things worse for him.”

Gabby reached for my right hand again and squeezed it. I could see her eyes glazing over from the information overload. I covered her hand with my left one to try and offer comfort. My leg started to bounce from the building anxiety I was feeling.

“Umm, how long is inpatient treatment?” Gabby finally asked.

“That depends entirely on him. It would be helpful if it’s something he’s willing to do. If he’s cooperative, it’ll go faster and be more beneficial for him. It can take several weeks or longer to get medication figured out though.”

Gabby sagged back into her seat with that information, “How am I gonna get him to willingly go along with that?” She let out an exasperated sigh as she looked in my direction.

“Could one of you talk with him… help him calm down…convince him to do it? I can force the issue and require that he go, but I would much rather that he chooses it.” Dr. Stevenson added.

Gabby balked at her statement, “So you want me to convince my brother to choose to do something that he really doesn’t have a choice in?”

Dr. Stevenson nodded, “It will make it easier on him if he is a willing participant.”

Gabby sighed heavily, “Alright, let us talk through this. We’ll see what we can do.”

The two doctors left us to discuss things. Gabby looked like she was now on the verge of having a panic attack herself as her breathing sped up.

“I don’t know how to handle this. What the fuck do I say to him?” She asked as she looked between Alex and me with wide eyes.

I took a deep calming breath, closing my eyes for a moment. When I opened them, everyone was looking at me. I knitted my brows together as I met Gabby’s stare, “I’ll do it.”

She vehemently shook her head, “No. I can’t put this on you.”

I reached out and grabbed her hand to reassure her, “Gabby, I’m fine. I can do it. We have a way of calming each other. I think he would respond better to me right now.”

Alex shook his head in agreement, “She’s not wrong, Gab. They do have that weird thing they do where they mellow each other out.”

I raised an eyebrow in Alex’s direction, surprised at his comment. One side of his lips slid upwards as he reached over and squeezed my shoulder in solidarity.

Gabby gave me a concerned look, “Talia, are you sure? I don’t want to put you through that.”

“Seriously, I’m good. Besides, I think I kind of owe it to him at this point.”

I watched Gabby’s nose crinkle and her nostrils flare as she fought back tears. She pulled me into another tight hug. “Thank you for doing this for him. I know it’s not easy for you.”

I gave her a small smile as I pulled away. Dr. Wilson came over to check in with us and we let him know that I was going to talk to Dieter. I did ask Gabby to come with me and wait outside the door in case I needed her.

As we walked back toward Dieter’s room, Dr. Wilson spoke up, “We did give him a sedative because he was amped up and giving the staff a hard time. He’s a little calmer now and it’s possible he may fall back to sleep.”

Gabby looped her arm with mine and entwined our fingers, squeezing tightly. I could tell she was nervous by her sweaty palms and fidgeting. As we approached Dieter’s room, we could see him through the window in the door. I audibly gasped, putting my free hand over my mouth. I could feel Gabby stiffen beside me as she took him in. He looked completely broken. He was sitting upright in his bed, rocking slightly while rubbing the thumb on his right hand between his thumb and the pointer finger of his left hand. He was staring downward, unblinking. Even from this distance I could see the deep crease between his brows and I could tell his eyes were red and swollen. His dark hair was standing up in all directions creating a stark contrast with his pale scruffy face.

His appearance shocked me. I could feel another anxiety attack creeping up as a result. I released Gabby’s hand and pulled away. “I need a minute,” I said weakly. I laced my fingers together behind my neck as I backed against the wall, leaning down toward my knees with my eyes shut willing the dizzying feeling to go away. I took several deep breaths to center myself. Gabby asked if I was ok as she stood awkwardly beside me. I could tell she wasn’t sure what to do based on the tone of her voice. A few seconds passed before I popped back up, somehow managing to get my emotions in check. I had to if I was going to get through this. I gave Gabby a small nod before I turned and pushed the door open to enter his room.

I took a few steps inside, allowing the door to close behind me. I wasn’t really sure what to expect from him since our last two encounters had been less than friendly. I paused just inside of the entryway, trying to gauge his reaction before I went in any further. It took him a moment to tear his attention away from whatever he was focused on. Once his gaze met mine, he stopped all movement as his eyes widened.

“Why…what are you doing here?” he asked in a flat tone.

“You called me. So, I came over. Do you remember that?” I spoke in a quiet voice, choosing my words carefully. I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing to him. I felt like I was talking to a scared puppy from the way he was looking at me; his big brown eyes wider than usual, filled with apprehension and disorientation.

He furrowed his brow in confusion, his eyes seemed to unfocus as he searched his memory. He slowly shook his head as his gaze met mine again.

“Can I come sit with you?” I asked hesitantly.

He started rubbing at his chest with one hand and ran the other through his hair as he shook his head from side to side, squeezing his eyes shut. “I’m a fucking disaster. I don’t want you seeing me like this.”

“You look a hell of a lot better than you did last night.”

His head snapped back up in my direction as he met my gaze, “You saw me last night?”

I took a steadying breath as I walked further into the room and sat down in the chair next to the bed. I reached out to grab his right hand away from his chest and pulled it to rest on the edge of the mattress, holding it tightly.

I could feel the crease form between my brows as I decided how to answer him. I didn’t want to push him over the edge, but I didn’t want to keep anything from him either.

“Dieter, I’m the one that found you. You called me and I could tell something was wrong, so I came over to check on you. You were unconscious.”

His face tensed; his eyes quickly pooled with tears as they darted around the room while he processed my words. A quiet sob suddenly escaped his lips as he pulled his hand away from me to cover his face. A rush of words spilled out of him through the sobs, “I’m such a fuck up. I never wanted to do that to you. I’m just like my fucking mom. I knew this was going to happen. I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor speed up. His anxiety was clearly ramping up again. I leaned across the bed, grabbing both of his hands and pulled them away from his face.

“Hey… stop that, look at me.” He turned his head away as the tears ran down his cheeks.

“Look at me,” I said again, more forcefully. He hesitated but finally met my gaze. I leaned in slightly, compelling him to look directly into my eyes as I spoke.

“If you hadn't called me, you wouldn’t be here right now. I would much rather see you like this than have the alternative. I’m glad you reached out. As long as you ask for help when you need it, you’ll never be like her. You understand me?”

He shook his head, the vacant expression returning. He started to slowly rock again, mumbling about how he was sorry for ruining everything, he’s a fuck up, and this is all his fault. He kept muttering it repeatedly on a loop. It was painful to watch him sit and quietly berate himself. I could feel the lump forming in my throat and it was taking everything I had in me to stay calm.

I squeezed his hands a little harder to try and bring his attention back to me.

“Dieter, I need to talk to you about something, ok?” It took a few seconds, but he finally focused back on me, full of confusion.

“Ummm, the doctor thinks that maybe your medication is making you feel this way…making things worse.”

“No. No…no. It’s supposed to fix it. It’s just not working. It’s not working.”

I shook my head, “No… this can be a side effect. They think you were misdiagnosed. This can happen if it’s not the correct medication for you.”

He scoffed, “Ok, so give me something else then.” There was a slight edge to his voice.

“It’s not that simple. They have to take you off everything slowly and you need to be monitored while you come off of it.”

His eyebrows shot up as his dark eyes widened, “Wha…What does that mean?”

“They’re recommending that you do inpatient treatment so that they can get your medication figured out and a proper diagnosis.”

He let out several stuttered breaths before he responded, “So like a mental health facility? Is it that fucking bad?” His eyes widened.

My eyes started to sting, I briefly closed them and exhaled slowly before opening them again. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold back my tears. I nodded, “You’re gonna need a little extra help to get through this.”

He started shaking his head, “I can’t. I have to work… and I…I just can’t.”

“You can’t work like this... You can’t live like this. Take some time and get the help you need. We’re all here to help you through it.”

I could see the panic setting in on his features. A deep crease had formed between his brows as his whole body started to tremble. His eyes were round and his chin quivering. “For how long? How long do I have to be there?”

I knew this was the part he was going to have the hardest time with, and I didn’t want to say it, but I couldn’t lie to him.

“They said it can take several weeks to figure out your medication, so I don’t know exactly how long it’ll be.”

His heart rate spiked as he started crying again. “Please just let me come home with you. I’ll do whatever the fuck I have to, just let me come home. Please. Please…”

I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore. They started running down my cheeks while I worked to steady my emotions. I stood and crawled up on the bed beside him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He buried his face into my neck as he sobbed and continued to beg me to come home.

I ran my fingers through his hair to try and comfort him and talked softly in response, “Listen, you can’t do this at home, ok. I’m not gonna lie to you. It’s gonna be hard. They said you might have withdrawal symptoms and they need to be able to manage those and monitor you around the clock.”

I paused for a minute to steady myself, taking a few more deep breaths.

“I promise you, once you're better, you can come home to me if that’s what you still want.”

I could feel him nod slightly against my neck. He let out a slow breath, “I’m so fucking scared. I don’t know if I can do this.” It was almost a whisper, and I could hear the fear in his voice.

“If you wanna get better, you have to. You can’t keep living like this.”

He pulled away from me, nodding his head in agreement. “I’ll do it. You’re right, I…I can’t do this anymore. I just wanna be happy and normal. I want to come home.”

He stared at me for a few seconds, his eyes suddenly seemed clearer as they looked over my face. He leaned his forehead against mine and sighed, “I missed you so fucking much. I should’ve told you what was going on instead of pushing you away. I just…”

He started crying harder again, I pulled him back against me, hugging him tightly. He knotted his hands in the front of my shirt, trying to get as close to me as possible. I shushed him as I rubbed my cheek against his forehead before placing a gentle kiss there. “Don’t worry about that right now. You’re forgiven. Just focus on yourself. I’m fine and I’m here for you however you need me.”

We sat in silence for several minutes as I continued to hold him and run my fingers through his messy curls. Once it seemed like he had calmed down, I asked if he wanted to see Gabby. I could see her standing in the hallway, across from his door, watching the exchange between us. She looked like she was having a hard time keeping it together too.

“I do wanna see her, but I don’t want you to leave me.” he said with a trembling voice. I raised my hand and motioned for her to come in. She walked in hesitantly and came to sit on the opposite side of his bed. He didn’t pull away from me, but he did reach over with his left hand to grab hers. She let out a sigh of relief as the tears finally escaped her eyes. She gave me a questioning look; I gave her a small nod. This was a good first step.

Gabby spoke up and asked him if he wanted to see Alex too. He shook his head as he pulled away from me, “Not right now. I’m not sure how much longer I can stay awake. I feel like shit.”

I reached up and continued to run my fingers through the hair at the nap of his neck as he wiped at his tear-streaked face, his head leaning back into my touch. He seemed a lot calmer than he had been and maybe even a little more focused. He looked at Gabby with a slight smirk, “Can you make sure they don’t send me to some shit hole with doctors that don’t know what they’re doing please? I’ve had enough of that.” Gabby and I both let out a small laugh.

“No worries, hermano. We’ll make sure you’re taken care of.” She smiled at him as she rubbed the back of his hand.

Gabby’s phone vibrated in her back pocket. She stood to pull it out and look at it. After unlocking her phone, she rolled her eyes. She looked at her brother, irritation lacing her tone as she spoke. “It’s Anna. Again. She is insisting on seeing you.”

Dieter shook his head, “I don’t wanna see her. Like…at all. I’m done with her.”

Gabby and I exchanged a questioning look, wondering what had brought that on. I would have to remember to ask him about that later.

Dieter glanced up at me, he suddenly looked very sleepy, “How about we let you get some rest. You can hardly hold your eyes open.”

He let out a loud huff, “I don’t want you to leave. Will you stay until I fall asleep? Please?”

Gabby smiled at us, taking that as her cue to leave. She quietly made her exit as I got up to sit back down in the chair beside the bed. Dieter lowered the back of the bed down and got comfortable. Once he was situated on his side, facing me, he reached over and held out his hand. I took it in both of mine, rubbing over the top of it as we sat in silence. It didn’t take long before he was asleep.

I watched him for a few minutes, taking in his features. The worry was gone from his face and his color was already starting to look better. I could feel guilt settling in the pit of my stomach. I should have gone to him sooner and made him talk to me. Gabby was right, if I had forced it, he would have opened up to me. I could have kept it from getting this bad, cut it off before he spiraled out of control. I gave up on us too easily and I could only hope he didn’t hold that against me.

I knew he and I still had a lot to talk about, but it could wait until he was in a better place mentally and emotionally. In the meantime, I needed to work on sorting out my feelings as well. I now realized how much I had kept hidden away and avoided processing. Some of it had nothing to do with Dieter and everything to do with my own personal demons. A lot of it didn’t matter anymore given what was actually going with him. I could tell we still had a long road ahead, but I was willing to go on this journey with him as long as he still wanted me to.

A/N: I am peeking out from under my rock to check in and see how you all are feeling after that chapter? Was it angsty enough for you? Any predictions for what is to come with D and Talia? Topics for discussion...How are we feeling about Lauren and Alex? Or just Alex for that matter? We haven't seen much of him so far, but I do have a little bonding moment planned for Alex and Talia in the next chapter that is kind of sweet. How about that private chat between Gabby and Talia? Do you think the group made the right call letting Talia talk to D? Or should Gabby have done it? Do you have any predictions for what is going on with D? I mean, how pitiful was he? Does this make up for all of his dummy asshole behavior? And last but not least, we can't forget about Anna and her drama...how bad did that piss you off? As promised, I also prepared another Deconstructing Dieter Bravo post. Be sure you jump over there and check it out. The topic is Psychiatric Medication and goes along with this chapter. We will obviously get into things a little deeper once we have his diagnosis. As usual, I have included the mood board for this chapter below. I have been lazy and haven't put together any of the chapter playlists... but just a reminder, you can find the full playlist here. A good portion of the Lifehouse songs on the list I attribute to Dieter, especially during the last half of this fic. So, feel free to jump over there and give those a listen while you read. Last but not least, a huge thank you to my beta, @for-a-longlongtime. She deserves an award for putting up with me and always makes everything so much better! 💜

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earthpleasures · 28 days

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BUTTERFLY'S QUARREL WITH THE GALAXY !

Prologue | butterfly's quarrel with the galaxy

Summary: After being saved by Cedric, you two made a list of hope for you.

Warnings: swearing, suicide attempt, mention of scars.

Word Count: 1.7k

dividers by @benkeibear

Y/n once read in a holy book, though she didn't remember which one was, it said: “On the Day of Judgment, the stars will fall upon the earth.”

In her dreams, stars fell upon her, coating her in light and dusts of hope. Maybe that was why they were called mere delusions, real life was much more cruel than dreams.

Y/n've been witness of many things, endured endless torture of her so-called family to the point there were nothing but Annie left inside her brain.

Do it for your sister.

How can you be so selfish?

What about Annie's reputation?

Everything lead her to this moment, a final decision on attaining peace.

She looked down at the foothills of Hogwarts from astronomy tower, sharp rocks stared back at her. There would be no return from this fall, one slip and every agony of this unfair fate is gone. Cold air was crushing her lungs as she took deep breaths to give herself at least a sliver of courage.

No one would care even if she was gone, only upsetting thing would be absence of a slave for her sister. The role crafted for her was tiring enough not to consider any possibility of leaving someone behind.

Her hands trembled when they reached for the railings. Metal was icy as it was biting her skin. Nibbling at her lower lip, she set one of her feet on the other side of railings. Harsh wind blew her hair to her face, blocking her view partially.

Initially, she reconsidered her decision. Maybe life would give her another chance to get her mind and youth back. However her sister's words and parents’ abuse played non-stop like a record in her brain. They had no intention of setting her free.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

A soft voice interrupted her inner debate on jumping down or stepping back to safe borders of tower. Cedric Diggory's worry filled green eyes scanned where she stood. He cautiously took a step forward to prevent her from panicking.

“What does it look like, genius?” Y/n spat while her grip on railings unconsciously tightened. A part of her didn't wanna die. A part of her wanted to walk on a way flooded with happiness.

“Does it really worth, Y/n?” He was almost halfway through the distance between them. She didn't even realize him getting closer as her eyes focused on his handsome face. It was strange, golden boy of Hogwarts knowing who she was, a meek girl like her.

“Oh you have no idea how much it will worth.” She laughed in pain, something about taking a second shoot on her conclusions was quite scary and unsettling. Thinking more meant to calculating more, which would lead her to eventually regret even coming here.

“C'mon, we can talk about it. I can listen to you and your troubles.” He slowly raised his hand to hold her arm. His action triggered her ready-to-activate panic. She recoiled, her hand accidentally letting go of what she was holding onto. Horror flashed through her face. She was really going to die.

Cedric's breath choked up in his throat as he launched forward. His fingers wrapped around her wrist before she fell backwards. He pulled her as hard as he can to himself. Their bodies collided, meeting with hard floor of tower while tangled to each other.

Her chest heaved with reality of what was about to happen if Cedric wasn't fast enough. She could've been there, body thorn to pieces. At that moment it didn't matter how foreign she was to him. She buried her face to his chest as tears wet his sweater. Cedric sighed with relief after closing his eyes.

His fingers gently fidgled on her hair, waiting for girl to calm down. She was literally having a histeric episode by the way her shoulders shook and hiccups teared her throat. He first propped on his elbows to fix their position, then he completely straightened his back.

Y/n sobbed, she didn't care what Cedric thought about her crying in his arms or her clinging to a boy she barely knew by his name.

“It's okay, I am here. Just let everything bothers you out.”

That was what she needed. Just a few words of sympathy instead of being dead. Her vision was blurred with tears as she looked up to him. “I am sorry for burdening you with myself.” He smiled softly.

“Don't be sorry, be happy because you still can say these words.”

About ten minutes passed for her to completely calm down, and her mind to function without mislead of horrible thoughts. Now both of their backs were pressed against the wall beside the door. For the first time in her life, she actually looked at the stars and admired their beauty.

“Family problems?” Cedric's curious voice cut the silence engulfed roof they were sitting on. She pulled her knees against her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The obvious scars left by a sharp object immediately drew his attention to themselves. However, he managed to hold his tongue back and didn't blurt an inappropriate question.

“Is it that evident?” Her voice cracked mid-sentence while she wiped the tears off her cheeks.

“I mean, you don't seem to be type of girl that would throw herself from astronomy tower over a boy or stupid friends. It can't be because of your grades, because if I remember correctly, and I always do, you have quite good grades.”

She arched her eyebrow as he finished his last sentence. “You seem to observe me a little too much for a person who never knew me personally.” He averted his gaze back to navy blue sky.

“Well, I must admit you striked my curiosity even before this… situation.” Y/n let out a half hearted laugh. “How so?”

“Once I sat next to you in one of our classes together. I saw your drawings, and the butterfly shaped birthmark inside your wrist. I really wanted to ask about the drawings, especially the butterfly and girl ones but you seemed to be very tense. Like, one word and you were going to punch me.”

This wasn't the answer she was expecting. Any memory of Cedric Diggory sitting with her didn't even exist in her mind. Mayne her expression was the thing gave away her shock because he narrowed his eyes what seemed to be offense.

“You don't even remember, do you?” She shrugged since she had no answer that would make him happy.

His eyes stayed still on her face for a few seconds, taking deeper into her reckless expression. “How we make a deal?” Y/n stopped peeling concers of her nails and looked back at him. “What deal?” He smirked.

“Let's make a list of ten things to make you happy.”

She grimaced with idea. Her happiness lied with getting away from that nightmare like house. However it was impossible, atleast for now.

“You have to take me out of that hell of family, which is not something you're not capable of.” She murmured last part to herself. At this point, every offer seemed pointless to her.

He sat straight and gathered his legs under himself. “Don't be such a pessimistic. I am sure you have things you wanna do. For example, do you like books? Let's find the thickest book in library.”

She couldn't help but smile. “You're annoyingly optimistic. I think… it's likeable.” He clapped his hands with joy. “Then we do the list.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

He pulled a notebook and pencil from his pocket, it was small enough to find inside his palm. She narrowed her eyes to see patterns on the cover better. “Did you really bring a notebook here?” He answered while flipping the pages. “I always have a little notebook with me. Sometimes I write my random ideas or thoughts.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sounds like a hassle.” He stuck his tongue out to her to make fun of her, causing her to laugh without even noticing. “Maybe we need to get idea of being optimistic to your head first. Anyways. Start with hobbies.”

She tried to filter her hobbies from tons of things she liked to do. “I like… going out to walk in school's garden, exploring Hogwarts, stars, books, practice to smile.” He stopped writing. “Pratice to smile? Interesting hobby, butterfly.”

“Butterfly?”

“Yeah, like the birthmark on your skin. You're a caterpillar now.”

“That's rude.”

“Don't interrupt me, Y/n.”

“Sorry.”

“You're a caterpillar right now, but I will help you to tear your pod out and fly free.”

She snorted. “Are you reading too many philosophy books?” He poked her cheek with back of the pencil. “Try to think metaphorical, it really helps to be creative.”

“Okay, anyways, golden boy. I like lying down in common room of Gryffindor, and lastly, watching people and trying to guess their moods.”

He finished writing, satisfied with the result. Turning the notebook to her, he made sure her to see yellowish paper properly.

“I've made a list regarding your hobbies.”

She snitched the notebook from his hand and began to read his notes and takes on her. His thoughts about her made her smile time to time.

“So, that's the list. When are we starting?” Cedric scratched his chin. “Tomorrow. Do we really wait more than a night?”

Her thumb brushed against little poorly drawn doodles on corner of paper. “No, we don't. I hope we can complete the list.”

“See? That's an optimistic view.”

“Sure it is, though I can't battle with you.”

Cedric pressed his lips together as one more idea crossed his mind. “We should name it.” Y/n raised her eyebrow. “Is it necessary tho?” He furrowed as revised their options. “Of course it it! And I have the perfect name. Butterfly quarrel with the galaxy.”

She almost let out a histeric laugh. “What?” Cedric held her hand tightly as if he was preventing from escaping. “And butterfly is gonna win the quarrel.”

“You're really strange, Diggory. Even more than me.”

“Are you complementing me?”

“No.”

“I will take it as a compliment regardless.”

“Cheeky bastard.”

“And you already begin to like this cheeky bastard.” He smirked knowingly, making her smile to.

That night, moon witnessed a strange pair of two people come together. For better, for worse. Who knows?

@2024 earthpleasures do not repost, copy, translate, modify

#harry potter #cedric diggory x you #cedric diggory x reader #cedric diggory #angst #hp fandom #hp fanfic

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ladyluscinia · 8 months

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Organizing my thoughts on OFMD 2x01 - 2x03

Strong start to a season. I really enjoy the black comedy aspect of the show, and the "all these people are kinda terrible" aspect, so win for me! The opening scene gave me a lot of thoughts. Actually, lots of stuff gave me thoughts that I'm gonna dump here (as I rewatch the episodes since I spent the first go around whooping and cheering more than paying attention to details lol) so I can start picking through them more coherently.

---

Ok, first. OHMYGOD EDWARD AND IZZ- *I am yanked off the stage* Ahem. BlackHands thoughts will go into a different post, so as not to overwhelm the many other things going on worth discussing. (Link to post)

So. Real first point:

Kraken Era

Big thing I was absolutely wrong about was how dark Edward's Kraken arc would go. I was counting on a very handwavy resolution that would still let him do some fucked up shit, but I expected it to be mostly externally directed violence that toed up to a potential line but didn't quite cross it. Reminiscent of Flint's vengeance rampage after Miranda is killed. Self-destructive harm but only tangential harm of others in your social sphere.

That is... we did not get that. But what we did get I am very here for.

I'll be honest - I wasn't sure they were bold enough in a romcom to blast right over the line into horrifying and then be so audacious it looped back to funny, but they did. And I think the tone is working for them so far. Big saving grace is they went way further with Edward's cruelty but they counterbalanced it by going way further with the suicidal themes, which made the whole situation more extreme and sympathetic. He should still probably apologize tho.

The Breakup Boat

Frenchie my beloved! Also Fang & Jim & Archie & Izzy! Literally the breakup boat is a resounding success all around and I adore every second of their fucked up trauma bonding. Win after win after win.

Frenchie is repression king and it's hilarious. I love how he gets named first mate for presumably being the only one who sounds plausibly honest when getting interrogated, tries to turn the job down, and then doesn't follow a single order while vibing. Also the bonding with Izzy?!? He's steps in during the intervention. He hides him after Edward shoots him, and then later he's checking in on him and leaning against his leg in the cell. Please Frenchie get all up in that Edward and Izzy mess!

And I'm trying not to turn this into a breakup boat recap but also Fang sobbing through basically every scene. The wooden boy story. Jim's terrible voices. Izzy hiding in the walls. "He's our dick" to "He was your friend" holy fuckkkkkk. And the whole mutiny scene was amazing. Jim saying fuck this toxic bullshit and Izzy saving them all!!! (Sidenote: love how all the nameless extras got washed overboard in the storm. More bodycount!)

The tearing into a seagull like zombies scene - perfect. Archie recognizing Stede (did they tell her about Stede in hushed whispers or was it literally just Izzy's singular statement?). All backing each other up on the "retirement" story. Izzy taking the blame to motivate Stede in trying to defend the crew again.

Trauma bonding WIN!

Also sympathetic Izzy has been real forever despite misreads of S1 and the mistaken predictions they spawned, but once again... Izzy!!!

BlackBonnet "On A Break"

They are idealizing each other so fucking hard. Also Stede what on earth are you talking about in the first episode??? "He's just blowing off some steam." "I'm afraid that your life is better without me?" MY GUY are you reading that list of what Edward has been up to??? Denial so strong.

So we have Stede still full of self-loathing and simultaneously convinced Ed couldn't want him but also avoiding the realization that he hurt him really bad because Ed wanted him. And we have Edward actively suicidal over feeling unlovable and determined to murder-suicide his situationship and the kids, except he can't kill himself so he's trying to make everyone else do it.

(And, you know, Edward is very pointedly refusing to see how the people around him would care for and support him if he would let them - even when they straight up offer it to his face - because he is more concerned with the misery of his own twisted narrative about being fundamentally unlovable than whether or not that is a true statement. Stede doesn't want him and everyone else is just a prop for his depression's final act. Very "I don't have any friends" of him - shoutout to that flashback in his purgatory sequence too.)

Edward's self-loathing throwing him into the water, but Edward starting to save himself well before merman!Stede shows up. Because he does, deep down, want to live with or without Stede. Very strong. Like that. Also the idealization on Edward's end of envisioning Stede as a legit magical being of golden scales??? Fuck, you two need to get some perspective.

Stede's Crew

Trauma Lucius I was not counting on, but Lucius going from BlackBonnet supporter to FUCK YOU STEDE was fun. Also Stede offering to be supportive and then immediately trying to nope right out.

Sea Witch Buttons!!!!!! We're going to get naked Buttons charging into a scene screaming about how he's a seagull or something, aren't we?

Confirmation that Oluwande can't read in the funniest way. Well I guess on reflection the scrolls are probably in Chinese so reading wouldn't help, so maybe this point is null.

I did like the note of Stede knowing "The Soul Reaper's" real name. Piracy hyperfixation bonus.

JimOlu vs JimArchie... If we get another poly ship then I'm calling SteddyHands real. I'm just saying.

Oluwande taking initiative to step up and flex his boytoy powers to advocate diplomatically for the crew - very Captain material of him. Also conveniently doubled as a distraction so he was essential to the plan. Go Olu!

Antagonists New and Old!

Spanish Jackie was a treat. I enjoy that she still hates Stede. The Swede literally became a new man by marrying her. AND WE SAW THE HUSBANDS!

Prince Ricky is so far just kind of a shady classist scumbag - presumably that's going somewhere.

Zheng Yi Sao on the other hand... interested what's happening with this whole armada plan she's apparently enacting. The whole Olu boytoy arc was fun. I'm not as into the whole "girlboss" approach to every single female character in this show so far, so, uh, concerned about that. Hoping for more exploration of how she's doing Stede's version of piracy but what exactly is off about it? Because so far there's no real reason to resist her, other than maybe the whole "I didn't conquer China by listening to pirates ramble about their feelings" bit.

Hornigold. Yeah, I know he was a subconscious manifestation of Edward's self-loathing but I still have hope. "Last time I saw you, you said you were gonna flay my skin and feed it back to me." Does that not sound like a great foreshadowing for S3???

#our flag means death #ofmd s2 spoilers #ofmd s2 #breakup boat #frenchie ofmd #zheng yi sao ofmd #ofmd 2x01 #ofmd 2x02 #ofmd 2x03 #ladyluscinia

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maya-matlin · 3 months

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Name a show (or two or three!) that you once loved but now kind of can't stand? (Sadly, Gilmore Girls tops that list for me---please don't hate me!)

On a brighter note, which 1-2 shows did you once dislike but now love?

Name 1-2 ships that you once loved but grew to dislike

Name 1-2 ships that you once disliked but now love :)

Shows I once loved but now can't stand: (I promise I don't hate you!)

1.) Riverdale obviously tops the list. I genuinely think the first season was good and still enjoyed parts of seasons 2 and 3, but at a certain point the writers' resentment of the fans and careless writing was practically slapping me in the face. It wasn't just that Betty and Jughead were broken up, though that didn't help. It was as though no one, the creator of the show included, was aware of what made the show popular in the first place. The entirety of the time jump years were insulting, with the last two seasons being particularly bad. Rather than owning up to their failure, they literally switched up the genre, blew up the original universe, and sent the "characters" back in time. It's going to be a very long time before I can think too hard about Riverdale without feeling the bile coming up in my throat.

2.) 13 Reasons Why. I still think the first two seasons are overall pretty good in spite of some questionable choices and the disturbing need to be so graphic in the name of getting their points across. But by the end, it went from being a show about a group of kids brought together by the same shared experience, the suicide of Hannah Baker, to a show that attempted to humanize rapists.

3.) Gossip Girl lost me by the end. I feel like with time, so much of the joy was drained from the show. It was replaced by the inevitability that the elite would always be on top and that the only way to earn anyone's respect is to throw away your morality. And even then, this only works out if you're a man. In the case of someone like Jenny Humphrey, you end up being banished forever for getting taken advantage of by the town serial rapist. And the sole remaining bright spot of the show, the love story between Dan and Blair, was trashed to go back to the original couples.

Shows that I once disliked but now love:

1.) This isn't totally accurate, but I remember thinking that Friends was so overrated based on seeing only a handful of episodes. At the time, it was everywhere. There were board games, best of DVD's, card games, t-shirts, soundtracks, etc. I just didn't get the appeal. Now, I totally do. While I agree that aspects of the show didn't age perfectly and I actively dislike one of the main two ships, Ross/Rachel, Friends is now one of my comfort show and one of my all time favorites.

Honestly, that's about it. I can't think of another show.

Couples that I once loved but grew to dislike:

1.) Chuck and Blair (Gossip Girl). When I first watched the show as a teenager, these two were my favorite couple. At least at first. Now, I genuinely don't know what I saw in them. I mainly enjoyed the chemistry and the back and forth during the first season with Chuck pining and Blair being a first choice. By the second season, I was already over the mind games. Then after that, all hell broke loose.

2.) Johnny and Alli. I feel like I've gone through different phases with these two, each one of them ending with the realization that actually, their relationship was even more horrifying that I'd realized. In my defense, I was literally Alli's age during season 8. I liked seeing the smart, rebellious girl pursuing and trying to tame the unattainable, secretly smart, bad boy. I liked seeing Johnny's softness around Alli even though the last thing he wanted to do was admit he could have real feelings for someone so much younger. But later, I obviously realized what a massive asshole Johnny was. Having genuine feelings and viewing Alli as "different" than other girls meant absolutely nothing considering so many of his interactions with Alli came across as emotionally abusive, culminating with him sharing pictures of her 14/15 year old naked body with his equally older friend. Johnny didn't want to show any weakness or vulnerability, and he took all of his hang ups out on Alli. Sickening.

Couples that I once disliked but now love:

1.) Sav and Holly J. The first time I watched season 10, I was mad about their relationship. At the time, I was much more into Sav/Anya and Declan/Holly J. I couldn't get past the idea of the two characters with their first loves, particularly Anya being betrayed by her best friend and her ex-boyfriend, even though Anya herself was never that bothered by it. But through multiple rewatches, they've become one of my favorite couples on the show. They were so sweet and healthy. The fact their previous relationships were treated as something ultra serious that just HAD to work out makes Holly J and Sav basically just feeling things out with each other that much more refreshing.

2.) Mia and Nicholas (The Princess Diaries 2). I was a huge fan of the first movie. I never even read the book series. All I knew was that Michael was the perfect boyfriend for Mia and no one could possibly compete with that. When I saw the second movie in theaters and Mia ended up with someone totally new with Michael not even being a consideration, I was furious. I think it took me years to watch the second movie again, even though I owned the first one on DVD. A few years ago, I revisited both movies and was blown away by how much better Mia and Nicholas worked for me than Mia and Michael. While Mia's relationship with Michael was sweet as a first love, teen relationship, I feel like Mia really connected with Nicholas as a woman. They had so much passion and surprisingly, things in common. They challenged each other and lifted each other up, and it's so easy to imagine them living happily ever after in royal harmony.

#mayamatlinscello #Long post

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vermillioncrown · 2 years

Note

Kagami's unique mental abilities

Mind Mirror: Attempts to get under his skin instead reflect the psychic damage back on his opponent. This technique can be neutralized by backing down and disengaging, but trying to break through only activates his next ability.

Hall of Infinite Mirrors: His mental reflection territory expands to cover the enitre court and your team with it, all subject to the his mind mirror technique. The psychic backlash you take will begin to affect your teammates as well, and if left unchecked the feedback loop will intensify to insurmountable levels over the course of the game. This ability can again be neutralized by taking the time to calm down and refocus on the match, but once his power has activated to this point it requires EVERYONE to get their heads back in the game, and even one team member still trying to strike back continues the damage reflection.

Moonlit Mind: Kagami Taiga is also able to grant his teammates a weakened version of his reflection ability, like the moon reflecting the sun. While not as powerful as Mind Mirror, it still allows his teammates to see past most psychic techniques and strengthens the overall mental game of the team. Moonlit Mind is stronger when Kagami is on the court, but remains in effect when he is on the bench.

(I watched like five episodes of KnB years ago but tried to mimic the overblown way the wiki describes everyone's skills, how'd I do).

first off, fucking amazing. si!kagami would hate this and ignore any instance of people trying to discuss his powers with him

second, let me append it a bit

moonlit mind has the cost of annoying the fuck out of his captain, so if si!kagami keeps it up he's gonna be running suicides for the next five practices after the game or hyūga might decide to lob the ball at his head instead of the hoop

i also realize that his appearance actually does passive psychic damage. how many animanga do you see teenage boys posture and pick on others for being a 'pretty boy' or something like that? the fact that si!kagami is fussy but also doesn't fall into the same vain character trope is unthinkable for grimy ball sport boys

#inquiry #anonymous #on bil #bil superpower bs #this is bil canon now #i've also come up with the names of his other abilities #which will cause si!kagami to instantly starfish on the floor and refuse to budge #boys are also pretty insecure about their appearances

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charlesleclerc2003 · 2 months

Text

All I want! Jared X Reader (Jensen X Reader)

Summary: After the sudden death of your husband, his best friend helps you through the grief.

Warnings: Death of a major character, suicidal thoughts, depression.

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't written anything in a while, my life has been hectic recently, but hopefully I'll be posting more often now things have calmed down.

My Masterlist

If you ever want a request my inbox is always open. I will try and get any done as soon as possible. Always looking for more inspiration, hopefully you guys can help.

‐‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were sat at your desk, flicking through your emails when your phone rang. You happily picked it up since your husband usually called you after he finished filming a scene

You had met your husband, Jared after being a guest star it one of the episodes for his show Supernatural. You two had immediately hit it off and he had asked you out. You had been dating from two years even whilst you lived in the uk and he was filming in Vancouver, when he asked you to marry him.

He made it extremely romantic and not long after you found out you were pregnant with your first child. You moved out to the states to live with him. That was when you met Jensen, his best friend and co-star in Supernatural. Little did you know how much he would help you in the coming months.

After your first child was born Jared, regrettably, went back to work with Jensen. He didn't want to leave you so soon after giving birth but both you and Jensen assured him that everything would be okay, and that you had Jensen's wife Daneel to help you if you needed it.

He made sure to call you whenever he wasn't filming just to check in on you and your son, Ash. It became a habit and he calls you every day just to check in whilst he's away.

You found out you were pregnant again shortly after the boys started filming season 10. Jared was so happy, and all the crew threw him a party to celebrate.

It was that night that you got the call you were never hoping to receive. Your phone rang at 2 in the morning waking you and your sleeping toddler.

Answering it, you didn't even look at the caller ID.

You didn't recognise the voice on the other end. Then your heart dropped, "I'm afraid to say your husband has been in a road traffic collision."

"Is he okay?" You question.

There is silence on the other end before they say "I'm very sorry for your loss Mrs Padalecki."

Your phone drops from your hand and you let out a few quiet no's.

You start to shake and sob uncontrollably.

You hear footsteps coming up the stairs before Daneel rushes in, engulfing you in a hug and letting you scream and cry on her shoulder.

The sound of your toddler screaming breaks through, and you reach for him. You pull him onto your lap and cry into his long hair. He is an exact copy of Jared.

You look up at Daneel, and her heart breaks for you, "it's gonna be okay." She says giving both of you a hug.

"He's gone." You whisper, Dani, barely able to hear you.

The next few days were blurry, everything happened so quickly.

You all flew out to vancouver, Jensen met you all at the airport. As soon as he saw you he hugged you tight. You broke down again.

"It's gonna be okay." He mumbled into your hair.

Your hand immediately went to your stomach where your unborn baby girl was certainly very active.

You had the funeral back in Texas, and Jensen didn't want to leave you on your own, so they invited you to stay at theirs. You could stomach staying in your own home. Everything of his was still there.

You found you really struggled with day to day things, even seeing your son shattered your heart. He looked so much like Jared, your heart couldn't take it.

One night, it got too much. You found your self in the bathroom surrounded by pills. You didn't want to do it but your heart couldn't take it anymore.

You sent a quick text to Jensen, 'Im sorry'

A few seconds later your phone rang. You answered put it on speaker and laid it down on the floor.

"Y/N, are you there? What's with the text? Are you okay?"

You burst into tears, and you hear rustling and voices on the other end of the phone.

"It's okay stay on the phone with me, me and Dani are coming round. Where are you sweetheart?"

You manage to croak out "Bathroom, upstairs."

You hear the door unlock, all of a sudden glad they had a spare key to your room. The bathroom door opens and what Jensen sees breaks his heart.

He crouches down and pulls you into a hig whilst Dani gets rid of the pills.

He pulls away, his hands still on your shoulders, and looks you in the eyes.

"I need you to be honest with me, have you taken any?" He asks as his thumb rubs your arms softly.

You start to cry again and shake your head no.

He lets out a breath, glad you hadn't done anything.

-------------------------------------------------------

A few months later, you're finally doing better. It still hurts, and it always will. But Jen and Dani have done so much to make it easier for you. You've started therapy, and you're on medication for your depression. They were even there when you went into labour with your baby girl.

You decide to name your daughter Elouise Ross Padalecki after Jensen.

Years down the line you're finally in a better place and you visit his grave every week. Telling your children stories of their father. Jensen and Misha love to tell them all the goofy things he used to do on set.

#supernatural #jensen ackles #spnfamily #jared padalecki #spn #jaredxreader

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lycanlovingvampyre · 1 year

Text

MAG 153 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: apple cutting.

"Intelligence doesn’t make you less prone to taking on bad ideas, it just makes you better at defending them to other people and to yourself. Smart people can believe some truly ridiculous things, and then deploy all the reason and logic at their disposal to justify them, because a belief doesn’t begin in your mind. It begins in your feelings. Cults are very good at finding you when you’re at your lowest point, when you’re your most emotionally vulnerable. And when you’re at that point it’s astounding what can crawl into your heart and start to fester there." Generally I'd say "intelligent people" are a lot less prone to joining stupid ideas. Especially since we now had a global event, that put this to the test. The Covid pandemic. All those people, of whom I'd have expected to believe stupid shit, did. I personally know no one, who surprised me to suddenly chime in to a conspiracy theory. But a few friends told me they had someone like this in their circle of friends and acquaintances - someone they always deemed smart and stable and suddenly they fell down this hole because they lost something important to them that put them at an emotional low. And then they’ll want to believe that shit that would them get their thing back.

"But that was when I started to properly look at my life, and I really didn’t like what was looking back." Ah yes, getting back to that DMN talk from yesterday's episode. The ability of self-awareness buys us the ticket to depression.

"And I’d always assumed that that was enough to eventually have real success, and for the first 10 years it seemed like I was right. I worked my way up, performed for basically nothing basically every night and got to be pretty successful." Yeah, I know that feeling... I get pretty decent fairly quickly when I latch onto a new interest. Problem is, I stay there. After my initial climb to "better than average" I stagnate and no matter what I do I just won't climb any higher. But I’m surrounded by people who do get farther and I stay just behind. It's frustrating. Doomed to be mediocre forever.

"do you know how much a “pretty successful” comedian makes?" Another line that's featured in the "Jonathan asks you things" video!^^

"Let’s just say I had a full-time office job and was still barely making rent. But between working full-time and gigging full-time I just kept putting off everything else in my life, always so sure the big time was just around the corner. This is the TV spot that gets me noticed, this is the sell-out fringe show that makes me mainstream, this is the deal that actually goes somewhere." Is that still part of the statement or is this just Jonny venting? xD

So Agape apparently means "love", and in Christianity it's meant as the love for god or god's love for humankind. Fits the toxic love theme.

“We formed into a long line, a chain holding hands with Joyce at the very end of it. It stretched from one end of the building to the other. “ When I hear about cult settlements, my mind wanders pretty quickly to Jonestown. And while there's nothing even remotely in common aside from just being a cult, there is one thing, that actually did remind me a bit of Jonestown. The thing about the cult members having to line up for the horrible thing. (If you're not familiar with Jonestown and are planning to look it up, be warned for suicide. Mass murder-suicide. It’s extremely gruesome...)

"Did you ever do that experiment in science class, where you held hands in a line and the teacher passed a very gentle electric shock down through the students" Okay first, what the fuck, no? Second, this is also in the "Jonathan asks you things" video!

JON: "He asked me to." JULIA: "Oh really? You always do what evil books tell you to, do you?" Oh wow... That was a low blow...

JON: "Christ, he was right, I didn’t – didn’t – when did you get so thin?" DAISY: "I’m not, it’s fine." JON: "It’s the Hunt, isn’t it? Without it –" Not submitting to their purpose does eat away at them. And to think that Jon never really as one of the physically fittest people out there..

JON: "Don’t listen to the blood." DAISY: "Listen to the quiet." One of my favorite quotes of TMA <3

@a-mag-a-day

#a-mag-a-day #mag 153 #tma #tma spoilers

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nachosncheeze · 1 year

Note

Fanfic Writer Ask Game

📚 & 🏷️

📚 Is there a fanfic or fanfic writer you recommend?

Definitely! It depends on what you are looking for, so here's a few of my faves in a couple different categories:

***Edit: I'm adding a cut bc it's just occurred to me to mention, anyone new who's not done the series but is seeing this - I do have a spoiler-safe fics list that Scotti and I were working on at one point, so if there's a specific season you're looking for, but not wanting to know what twists come after (or if you're looking for fic for a specific episode or event), feel free to inbox me and I'll send some links. :)

Below this cut there are descriptions that spoil all sorts of things, so.....***

For Jeller, everything by @indelibleevidence is outstanding. I'm gonna start out saying probably a majority of it has passages that are NSFW so if you're a minor or not into that, tread lightly. I'm currently revisiting Remember to Forgive, which has late-season 3 Weller suffering amnesia that takes him mentally back to early season 2; you know, when he couldn't stand to be in the same room as his wife. The angst! It's a fave and totally my jam, I could probably quote it. Torture Without You is... well. Read it. Amazing. I'm a big Remi fan, and here you will also find one of our two Reller champions: the Damaged Goods series is so dark (also very NSFW) but soooo good.

@idealisticrealism is another that everyone should definitely read, imo. The Fire is basically my favorite one-shot ever, and she's our other Reller champion - as complete AUs go I can not possibly overstate my love for From the Ashes and Into Flames. I could literally quote them both to you.

@gypsyscarfwoman is responsible for my other favorite one-shot, Nothing Can Come Between Us, which is Jeller after season 2, but from Sarah Weller's POV. It's just a tiny bit angsty but fluffy and sweet. I love the way she describes the interactions between Jeller as viewed by a concerned third party. There's also Shelter From Your Storm, which is another season 2 AU except that post compound raid there's legitimate concern Nas might throw Jane under the bus and let the CIA have her, so Weller fake marries her to legitimize and protect her.

@ladyriot recently did a lovely retelling of s2 but as a Jane/Patterson slow burn. The way they low key agonize over each other is tragic, but the ending is so sweet without being completely saccharine, and it's definitely worth a look.

I haven't read much Zapatterson but @narvaldetierra is actively writing them. I read Remembers from September and No Good Deed Goes Unpunished a while ago, and I'm excited to reread them soon and then keep working through this ship 😁

Dylan Cruca is worth checking out if you want a bit of season 2/3 Jeller canon divergence/extra scenes, or Jeller/Reller AUs - I thought their post-season 1 AU ended up being a particularly interesting twist - but they're not for everyone.

I could go on but I'll end with one that's basically the fic equivalent to a playlist of Sad Songs to Sob To: Silence Speaks by lochness20, in which Jane's black site escape attempt fails, and when they find her, she is in a REALLY bad state. Warning that it's pretty dark and brutal and tw for suicidal thoughts and an eventual very graphic murder.

🏷 Is there a tag you like to search for when looking for fanfics to read?

I don't really look for specific tags; it's not a huge fandom so there's not a ton of room to be choosy. I can say that straight whump isn't my thing, nor is pure domestic stuff, and I generally steer clear of pregnancy/kidfic unless there's some other compelling plot alongside the kids. I guess I basically love angst most of all 😍

Thank you for the ask!! :D It's always fun to revisit some faves. 💕

I'm trying to find my mojo and inspiration to start creating again, and I find these memes are a really good exercise to think critically about my ideas and hopefully get the juices flowing. If anyone else is curious, please check here and consider sending me an ask!

I've also recently done a WIP ask meme, which you can find here if you'd like a peek at what I've been working on before the words left me. :)

#blindspot #ask meme #writer ask meme #blindspot fanfic

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toddisawarlock · 1 year

Text

Saw a really bad take about The Last of Us that I'm not gonna link but I'm gonna rant here because sometimes I get really frustrated so buckle in folks I gotta rant.

The take was basically that The Last of Us, episode 3, "Long, Long Time" reinforced an ableist trope about the noble sacrifice of a disabled person through assisted suicide and does harm because of the state of this as a topic across various health care systems. Also please consider this a content warning if my tags didn't cover this for you.

This upset me for a few reasons. It fundamentally ignores the context of the fictional world, the context of the queer relationship, and conflates the real life problems with medically assisted suicide and the failings of support for disabled people with a fictional world.

I'm just gonna start but first, there is no health care here. Yet somehow, Frank and Bill are clearly trading resources for medicine to help Frank get by. To help him manage with this condition. This is not some failure of care within the context of the world.

Frank chooses, after living with this for many years, to make a choice. The point of this is that his condition would kill him but well before it would happen it would be further disabling. He made an active choice within his world. He was not encouraged to do this by anyone.

His choice is not necessarily seen as some noble way to ask Bill to continue on. He is asking because he's tired. And he wants to have a really beautiful day and for this to be over. Which is the point of assisted suicide. And as someone who personally has had to administer morphine to their mother while she died of cancer, it's asking for dignity before getting there. There is an OCEAN between this and the abuses of systems like Canada's MAiD program that is actively encouraging the assisted suicide of disabled people it is failing to support.

Dignity and choice in death is not the same thing.

I'm also noting that this really ignores that these queer people are a symbol. A piece of media doesn't have to be morally perfect to achieve incredible metaphor. In this story, I saw all the hard work that went into a still painful, difficult life, for two queer people who had a chance to love each other.

This didn't glamorize assisted suicide for disabled people. It was a metaphor about the choice to keep going against the odds of your circumstances and how all parts of that are acts of bravery and conviction and deserve support.

And sometimes, with all of those choices, you might inspire one other person to keep going. You might provide them with a single piece of something that helps them keep going when shit is impossible.

#the last of us #the last of us hbo #the last of us spoilers #cw suicide

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kalmeria · 11 months

Note

hey kori! how's your cold? are you feeling any better?

soo if you're in the mood to answer... what about 4, 5, 11, 14 and 21 from the enstars asks? sorry for asking so many, but i'm curious, haha ^^'

hello!! i’m feeling better, thank you for asking. still a bit sick but the brain fog is mostly gone at least~

answering these is fun so i might ramble on a bit haha

okay i ended up talking a lot a lot. so much that i’m putting a readmore here lmao

link to the secret codes that enable me to ramble about ensemble stars (aka the ask game)

4. what got you into enstars?

short answer is: wanted to play a new rhythm game!

long answer (i have a whole timeline lmaoo): my first encounter with enstars was watching the first episode of the anime when it came out (summer 2019). but honestly i didn’t enjoy it. the fact that anzu, who is such a central character, felt like a prop the others talked at… it was weird! i get that it’s because of her being the player character so to speak, but it still bothers me, and i find stories where she shows up a lot difficult to read.

fast forward to early 2021 when i followed a person on here who later turned out to be a big enstarrie. through them i was exposed to some wataei edits that made me go “wait this is gay?” but i mostly tuned it out as stuff on my dash i’m not that interested in. one mention of vampires did get my attention, and i ended up reading the tv tropes pages for a bunch of characters? the oddballs, valkyrie, switch, alkaloid. i could not understand what this “war” thing was.

then last autumn i got tired of the power creep in starira, my previous gacha game, and decided to try bandori garupa. found out i really enjoy rhythm games, so then i started playing d4dj and project sekai as well.

and then, around new years i think, i was sick and lying in bed, and ran into some enstars music related videos. notably one that was rating different rhythm games. and then there was a video of a bandori fan playing enstars for the first time that really sold it to me because of the shared point of reference.

i was still fighting my curiosity because enstars fans scared me, and i knew the immense amount of lore could easily suck me in and i didn’t really want that. so i decided to just watch the anime and see what the whole deal is… and then i did binge the whole thing and soon after downloaded the game (there was a minor setback of figuring out how to get an app that isn’t available in my region). i read the main story in like a week in february, and now i’m here!

(btw enstars replaced bandori in my mobile gaming, which i had kind of lost interest in at that time, and had just had the worst gacha luck trying to get a 4* moca card)

tl;dr (which is totally fair): wanted a new rhythm game to play, have heard about enstars and seen people be really into it, watched the anime -> it captured my interest

5. what's your favorite headcanon about the character you produce?

umm well this is not a fun one but it’s kind of an important one to me. i see tatsumi as someone who has dealt with being suicidal in the past, especially during his hiatus after the reimei incident, but before that as well. i think he processed it through his faith and through devoting himself to others, but it is also wrapped up in feelings of guilt about not respecting the value of a human life (his own) properly.

11. do you have a least favorite character?

i don’t really actively dislike any of the idols. the ones i like less than others are the ones i don’t really know well because i haven’t really read their stories. either because they didn’t manage to capture my interest, or in the aois case, i’ve just found that a lot of the ways identity and self comes up in their stories makes me uncomfortable, so i kind of don’t like reading them.

but i love seeing people who love these characters i’m not too focused on talk about them and why they love them. it’s really nice how everyone has their devoted fans!

that said, no one has managed to make me care about the two teachers.

14. what card are you currently saving for?

funny story!!!!!! (it’s not)

i am. saving for getto spectacle tatsumi.

and fs1 kohaku.

which will happen at the same time.

(pained smile) i know there is months to go until then, but in the meantime we’ll have fs mayoi, aira and hiiro, as well as ibara event scout. so i will have to make some decisions. oh and ariadne is right around the corner too….)

21. do you have a favorite story?

well. obbligato might be an obvious answer. and it is very high up there.

but i think in general i prefer the shorter stories? because the pacing of the long ones can be absolutely all over the place!

i quite like princess kaguya and ariadne. they do both have that typical enstars thing of having a central conflict that gets dragged out for quite a while and then very suddenly solved in a previously unforeseeable manner. but i’m giving these a free pass for having that conflict be interesting, as well as the character dynamics they explore.

oh and shoutouts to feather touch! i hadn’t considered it before as a favorite but as i was thinking about this question i realized that it’s a pretty solid story.

and i do just really love reading idol stories! they have a lot of fun casual interactions in them! (jun kohaku hiyori teatime, rinne praying to kanata, the runrun calamity, the ones where tatsumi and koga hang out, hiyori giving idol advice to kohaku, etc!)

#slow answer was originally bc i needed to make lunch #then it ended up because of the sheer length of this thing (i am very slow when it comes to writing/reading)#thank you for the ask and sorry about my rambling #i enjoyed answering :3 #asks #umilily #im too tired to read this back now #i could give you a tag of you are okay with that #ive been doing name + an emoji #lily🌊

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growingfeedeeinfrance · 1 year

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Bonjour Porcelet!🐷 As the feedee gainer community tends to be most prominent in the Anglosphere it's always delightful to encounter those from other cultures & countries discovering the delights of feedism & making it their own! It just shows our innate desire to get fat is such a truly universal impulse for aǁ of us! But I'm curious to ask how you as a French gainer girl view your experience striving to grow fatter with all of France's differing cultural attitudes to diet body-image & cuisine?

Ouch tough question😅 [TW: fatphobia, ED, suicide] I think my story is similar to those in the anglosphere but I can still share x)

The first thing I have to talk about is fatphobia. I was put on a diet at FIVE years old. I wasn't even allowed to go to Bday parties because of the sweets.

So I came to discover feedism at the same time as I began to struggle with eating disorders. I was 10/11 years old, anorexic and already fascinated by fat girls stuffing themselves online. I used to actually have a journal were I would write every synonyms, idioms etc related to being fat, repeating them all in my head to myself before falling asleep.

My teens years were hard because I tried so hard to suppress this kink, I was so ashamed of it, and of my body. Even though I was super fit and skinny. I basically tried for 10 years to get rid of this desire, a form of self-made "therapy conversation" rooted in the shame my mother's fatphobia (and society's) had ingrained in me. I guess the fact that everything was in english online made it a bit more "distanced" and easy to deal with? But I did have the same feelings toward that one episode from the Totally Spies ;)

It was only when I was 20, that I finally opened up to my partner about my kink because I just felled so sad and lonely. I had tried making connections in the online feedism community but I always failed 😅 Along the way I realized that the french langage didn't carry as much attraction and seduction to me when it came to feedism. Like I'm sorry you all but talking to me in french about feedism stuff is just almost always "anti-sexy" 😅

It wasn't for them so I didn't start anything IRL. But after my 2nd attempt at suicide, and during the 1st pandemic lockdown, I started gaining weight (because of some medications + lockdown I guess). I just had to ask myself what I wanted in life and who I wanted to be.

So I realized I was trans (I'm enby!) and that I wanted to pursue this kink in real life as much as I could. So I slowly started to center pleasure in my food habits, and tried to let go of the shame and the guilt (still trying). I have a malformation that makes it impossible for me to stuff myself (I throw up really easily) but I still tried to gradually increase my capacity.

I still feel sad and lonely because I fear that I will never meet someone in real life to share this kink with me. In all the spheres of my life (education, friends, activism...), I'm the fat one now. Which kind of drives me crazy because I'm not even that fat?!? And I'm just like "where are the other fat people?!?"

Even in diverse, kinky and sex positive places, feedism is always new to people and most of those spaces centers thin people. (I'm not "masc" enough to go to bear places 😅). Fatphobia is really pervasive in every spaces, and it's really hard to live through. For instance, EVERY transmasc spaces will center "thin/fit" bodies as the GOAL for transition. Like I want a more masculine body but I don't want to be thin. I want to keep my boobs and have less hips to reduce the "hourglass" body I have. It's super hard (almost impossible) to find cute, masc clothes that fit me. All of the environmental groups I'm in put big importance in highly physical activities and put fitness forward all the time. There is no relaxing or enjoying our bodies. WE HAVE TO BE FIT and want it. Public transport is also hard because the seats are so tiny (same in education). And fatphobia is still intense in medical places (like I went to see a cardiologist because my mom has heart issues and she told me my heart was super healthy but I still had to lose weight. why? no idea), and in familial settings (it's just for your heath etc etc).

Gaining would be soooo much easier if society wasn't so fatphobic. I hate it so much because I still have those moments where I feel I should try to lose weight because I fear I'm becoming "too ugly" (especially as a transmasc person) and I'll end up alone. And I've decided to center the relationships I have in my life and I don't want my partners to be disgusted by my body. That's why I never share my videos/photos with them and I only post on Tumblr. Thank you all for the feedist community online, I don't know where I'll be without it.

For the cuisine, having spent some times in the US, I have to admit that France's diversity in food makes gaining all the more enjoyable. And while yes, a lot of the food is centered around thinness/healthyness, most traditional dishes are much more hearty and fattening!!! (and delicious!!) And my sweet tooth is just in looove with french pastries!!! But I admit I like my twice a week american fast food x)

I don't know if I've really answered your question, don't hesitate if you want more details about some specific aspects of my experience in France!

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chemicalcarousel · 2 years

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is it normal for the host of a system to having attributed your headmates' behavior/thoughts/opinions/ect to yourself before you were made aware of your plurality?

and is it normal for other headmates to having confused themselves as being you, the host, in the past?

(gonna do a "keep reading" for the rest of it, since it became a long rant about my& struggle with our mental health)

ig it's because we just thought that was what being one person was idk we do be a lil stoopid lmao. like... i remember some episodes where levi was close to the front or fronting with me where we were well aware that there was a levi there (name and all), but we thought it was a delusion or we just brushed it off as if it never happened. then we identified as otherkin/fictionkin (since levi is an introject from a fictional source). levi thought he wasn't his own person and he still seems freaked out by the thought of existing and honestly i dont blame him since i find existing freaky too hxkfsfksxs

i thought one of the littles was me doing involuntary age regression as some sort of emotional flashback, but idk my therapist thinks she's a seperate part and ngl it makes more sense. she's much different, but probably based on young me and holds our trauma from that time. i'm personally emotionally distanced to the trauma mostly, but she's the one holding it. every therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist that have met her are extremely surprised how i change so drastically. and they have all commented on how im not in touch with my emotions when i describe my trauma very analytically. but then sometimes "i" start acting like a scared child. i cant control it in any way. i especially cant control my body language, my thoughts, my emotions, and my speech. and after the episode is over i definitely have emotional amnesia. it was a dissociated child part

also the child has a passive influence on me from positive triggers too and it's hard to control that. let's just say we have a lot of plushies lmao but idk they are very cute and the big ones are good for especially the littles to ground and soothe themselves. sometimes hugging one also helps when a little is upset inside of the body. we have a hard time reaching each other inside the headspace, it's like we are lost in an infinite void of darkness where we can sense each other faintly at times, but it's so hard to communicate. but i hugged a big, soft plushie once i felt a little crying and i kept repeating that we are safe and that she's not alone and that we love her. idk why the plushie hugging helped, but my theory is that she might have felt it through our body and hugging that plushie helps her. she didnt seem to be at the front at all, but idk maybe she could still feel it?? idk how this works, my therapist has been very hesitant to help us, even though she's the one who was like "yeah you are three different parts, i've observed them all" (havent told her about lee bc we are scared and he only fronts when we are alone and he can do some activities he likes)

TW // suicidal ideation mention

our therapist is a licenced psychiatrist and psychotherapist who is specialised in mood disorders (we have bipolar), so maybe that's why she's so bad at handling our case. she's like "it's hard to work with your trauma when you're either not in touch with it or you're triggered to the point of closing off from the world". bruh........ we're trying our best here, you're supposed to like.... know what to do. there's a reason that we are here, if we knew how to handle this we wouldn't need therapy wtf. sadly we barely have an income high enough to live off of since we aren't allowed to work yet due to our strong anxiety and s//cidal ideation. also we dont have the right disorders to get disability (only schizo-spec or bpd, denmark is so stupid istfg). hhh life is so hard and we are super split on having hope for the future or not

TW OVER // suicidal ideation mention

anyway, a question turned into a rant (yet again). ig it's because we literally have no one to talk to about this. sorry hhhhgggg

~ Sof (she/he/they)

#pluralgang #actuallyplural #actuallysystem #actuallymultiple #sysblr #pluralblr #headmates #host #system host #yo its sof #ours

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tavarillasgalen · 11 months

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feeling depressed about the supreme court decision regarding student loans and ran across another “if you live with your parents as an adult, you’re a deadbeat underachiever” post, so

imma try and list the things i’ve accomplished/am proud of so far this year.

- got promoted at work

- lost 15 lbs

- broke up with my bf of 7 years

- have a better relationship with my family than i have since... high school?

- going from an unhealthy lifestyle to working out regularly and eating mostly healthy

- almost paid off all debts that aren’t student loan-related, only a month or two left until the only debt i have is student loans, unless something happens (hopefully nothing does)

- finally moved my horse to a stable where i can trust the people to take care of her + have been able to see her much more frequently

- started working on my books to publish again

- working on web design/development certificate

- working on nutrition certificate

- doing French lessons every day

- started doing my hobbies again + trying new ones. learning that it is ok to do things just because you like them - they don’t need to make you money, they can just be fun.

- started going after things i’ve always wanted to do - like mounted archery and adult ballet classes.

- started... living. just in general. like, making plans for the future and everything, and taking steps to help my future self, like scheduling general wellchecks.

- working on forgiving myself for all the things i didn’t do or learn and the mistakes i made because i was so suicidal for so many years. i’ll get all depressed about where i’m at in life, and then i have to remind myself that like, up until just a couple of months ago, i wanted to die. i made no real effort at a life for myself or anything because i didn’t want to be here. it’s hard, because i feel so behind in so many ways. but i’m working on being kind to myself. my past self worked so hard at just... staying alive. and for years, that was the most difficult thing. and now that i actually want to live and have a good life, a successful life, a happy life, i’m learning things and doing things that people who have generally always wanted to live have been doing for forever. i can’t be mad at my past self for not doing any of this stuff when simply living was the hardest thing. yes, i’m late to the game in a lot of things, but... i think that if people knew why, they wouldn’t judge. but it is still hard, logically knowing all this, but still getting depressed and frustrated because of things my past self didn’t do that others at the same age were doing. i’m working on it, anyway.

- just generally, my mental health is so much better. i’m nowhere near as anxious and depressed as i was mere months ago. i’m kind of going through a depressive episode now, because while most people get seasonal depression in the winter, the summer months are always the worst for me. but i can do things by myself, i can talk to people, i don’t freeze and start shaking at the idea of something new, i actually want to live? i still get suicidal thoughts sometimes, but they’re a lot rarer than they used to be, and i have zero inclination to act on them.

and more.

so while i’m nowhere near where i want to be, i’m taking steps in the right direction. i’m actively working on my goals. i actually want to live. so that’s something.

#personal

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