#i’ve been like this since i woke up like 45 minutes ago
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why is my body in the most horrible and awful and unfixable pain rn. haha.
#it’s like period cramps but not because i can’t fix it at all#and i shouldn’t even be having cramps now because it’s like day four of my period and i never fat cramps after day two#so what’s even going on here. this is genuinely horrific i’m not exaggerating even slightly#like i wish i was just dead that’s how bad this is. dying would be preferable to being in this pain#i’ve been like this since i woke up like 45 minutes ago#and i’m so fucking tired it’s not even funny. can’t fall asleep too much pain lol#wow what an amazing start to the merlin anniversary. i should have known it would be bad!
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[Donnie has Krang. He has his family. Yet he finds himself lonely a lot of the time. And bored. Mostly bored. What does a bored turtle in their late 30s do with unrestricted lab access and alchemical technology capable of creating sentient life? He has a baby about it.]
Leo woke up slowly. The dim glow of the Hidden city through her window tried to coax her back to sleep. He was a morning person—he really was—he just also enjoyed that he didn’t have to get up early.
Leo stretched his arms out in long and satisfactorily motion, clumsily grabbing his gem from the table as he pulled his arm back. She used it to check the time.
[2 Missed calls from SadScientist 3:15]
[3 Missed calls from SadScientist 3:16]
[2 Missed calls from SadScientist 3:17]
[1 Missed call from SadScientist 3:45]
[2 Missed calls from SadScientist 3:52]
[Missed calls from SadScientist 4:02]
[3 Missed calls from SadScientist 4:19]
[3 Missed calls from SadScientist 4:23]
Leo rubbed at his arm, squinting at his gem, confusedly. Why would Donnie call him so early?
Annoyed and exhausted, Leo turned her phone face down, opting to curl into Usagi’s side.
Not even a minute later, Leo bolted upright, shoving away from his boyfriend, incidentally waking him up.
Donnie wouldn’t call him to rant about something stupid, because they had a text chat for exactly that so Donnie would stop calling her in the middle of the goddamn night. So why had he done that? Why would he do that?
He hadn’t texted her. What if something had happened? What if he was in danger? It had been nearly two hours since the last call. Oh God-
Leo’s catastrophising was cut short by her boyfriend.
“…Are you going out?” Usagi asked, rubbing at his eyes.
Leo realized, he was up and reaching for his swords. Good. “I’m going to Donnie’s.”
“Did something happen?” He asked, sounding concerned.
“I don’t know.” Leo could feel bad about, the zero context she gave her boyfriend later. She jumped out their bedroom window, and began heading towards Donnie’s house.
oOo
“Mikey!” Leo calls, catching sight of his brother, sat down on Donnie’s doorstep.
“Hey Leo.” Mikey greeted with a half wave, looking up from his phone. “Did Donnie call you here, too?”
“He told you to come over? Is everything okay? I slept through his calls earlier, and now he’s not picking up.”
“I dunno. Don called me, like an hour ago, and he wasn’t making much sense so I stopped by. Then he just told me to wait outside. It’s been like…” Mikey glanced down at his phone, “half an hour-“
Leo shoved past Mikey, pounding on the door. “Donnie! Donnie answer the damn door!”
There was an immediate loud series of muffled noises coming from the other side, that kept Leo from tearing down the door.
A few moments later, the door swung open and, Donnie filled the doorway, looking exhausted and a little bit frantic.
“Oh Leo, y-you’re here too! Great!” Donnie exclaimed.
“Are you okay?” Leo asked, urgently.
“What, yeah- oh, hi Mikey. You’re still h-here.” Donnie noticed.
“You told me to wait out here while you got some stuff together.” Mikey reminded him, gaze scrutinizing.
“Oh! Right. S-sorry that took a minute-“
“I’ve been waiting here for thirty, Donnie.”
“My bad. I’ve got to g-g-go check on something real quick, though. I’ll b-be right back, for real this t-time.” Donnie began closing the door, only for Leo to stick his foot in the crack before he could shut it.
“Yeah, no, we’re not doing that. Why did you call me so many times this morning?”
“Oh, nothings wr-wrong I just got a little excited and w-wanted to tell you a-about my newest l-little experiment.” The high pitch Donnie’s voice took on as he spoke was strange, but not super out of the ordinary. Donnie just got like that about his experiments sometimes.
Leo, kicked open the door, and pushed past Donnie. Mikey, shrugged and followed in after her.
“O-okay. I guess this is fine t-too. You can come see them n-n-now.” Donnie said, shutting the door behind them.
“What did you do to your house?” Mikey asked, as the three of them moved deeper inside. The floor and every piece of furniture was padded with fabric and excessive amounts of bubble wrap.
“Baby-proofing.” Donnie answered.
“The fuck do you mean, bab-“ Leo started, interrupted as Donnie rushed forwards to open up the door to his lab.
“Hey sweetie, sorry I w-was g-gone so long, but guess who’s here~”
And Donnie began, cooing and, honest to God, chirping at a plant. Only it wasn’t a plant.
“Oh my God.” Mikey said uncomprehendingly at the babbling baby, now being held in Donnie’s arms.
“Donnie, what, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck?” Leo said. It was too early for this.
“This,” Donnie states simply, “is m-my child. They’re new.” He holds the plant baby up at them. “Aren’t th-they amazing!”
“Oh my God.” Mikey said again, sounding lost between elation and bewilderment.
“Why-“ Leo stopped, reconsidering, “How-“ He was at a loss for words.
“What, even.” Mikey added, sounding like he was holding back laughter.
Donnie stared at them incredulously, pulling the baby back to his plastron, “You g-guys didn’t know?”
Leo pinched his brow, unwilling to process what was happening “How would we know, you didn’t fucking tell us, Donnie?”
“I texted you- oops.”
“Why oops, what’s oops?” Leo interrogated, feeling no small amount of hysterical.
“I did start, texting you…”
“What do you mean, you started?”
“Pasi’s very d-distracting, and I had to get all the necessary details in, but then I r-r-realized, you know what w-would be helpful? A study. Y-you guys would read a study ab-bout my child, wouldn’t y-you. So of course I started m-making observations, but then I r-realized the house was maybe dangerous for a b-b-baby, I don’t actually kn-know. So I fixed it, and while I was fixing it, I realized that I do n-not actually know what baby’s need. So I called y-you to ask about that, b-but you never picked up, but I think I figured it out. Maybe. Also they are very c-cute, which was also distracting.”
Leo wanted to slam his head against a wall. She hoped she was getting that idea across with how she was looking at Donnie, right now.
“Erm- Long s-story short, I never hit s-send.” Donnie finished with a shrug.
Leo’s eye twitched, as Mikey tried to stop his laughter.
“Wait, wait, why’d you tell us to wait outside if you thought we were here to see your kid?” Mikey managed.
“…I am doing a lot of things at once r-right now. Also they’re d-distracting.”
“Donnie, I called you eight times on my way over here!” Leo pushed.
“I assumed you thought the c-calls were unrelated. Also, w-would you not have come over to meet your neph- niec- Pasiflora.”
“Why didn’t you pick up any of them?”
“I was busy.”
“No u weren’t!”
“Fine, I was d-distracted.” Donnie said cooing at his baby again, “L-look at them. Look at them distracting f-face.”
oOo
“Are you sure we d-don’t want to give them m-more of a warning?” Donnie asked, as Leo texted Raph, Casey, and April.
Leo glared at him, “If I don’t get a heads up that I’m uncle before meeting your kid, neither does Raph.”
Donnie shrugged, and went back to staring at Pasiflora intently, as Mikey held them.
“So… is it a girl or a boy?” Mikey asked.
“They’re a p-plant, Mikey.”
“Fair and based.”
There was a knock at the door.
“It’s unlocked!” Donnie called.
“Hi guys, Casey and April are going to be here in a bi-“ Raph started as he walked in, only to stop as he catches sight of the baby in Mikey’s arms.
“I’m uncle.” Mikey chirped.
“I hate it here.” Leo countered.
“She means she’s aunt.” Donnie tells the entire baby in his brother’s arms, with a solemn tone.
“What-“
oOo
Raph sat on the couch carefully crocheting a sweater, as he tried to process that Donnie had just made a child. Because he felt like it. And that Raph was now a whole uncle-
“Can I hold them?” Casey asked, as Donnie finished feeding Pasiflora.
Donnie looked extremely hesitant, but eventually transferred the baby into Raph’s boyfriend’s hold, “Fine. But be careful, they’re fragile.”
Casey immediately started baby talking at them, absolutely enraptured. Then Pasiflora bit him.
oOo
Thankfully, Donnie’s house had no shortage medical supplies; April bandaged up Casey’s arm.
“Why did they bite him?!” Leo asked, seemingly the only one concerned by this.
“I think it was pretty cool. I didn’t know babies could bite people that well.” Mikey said.
“Well I think, your ur child is clearly possessed, but they’re also the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” April noted, Casey nodding his agreement, as he pulled his sleeve down over the bandages.
“Why do they have teeth?” Raph asked, twice as concerned as Leo had sounded.
“For eating.” Donnie answered simply.
“Donnie.”
think you sent this before, but it was different back then. i like the revisions! anyway here are the parts of this that made me laugh:
she jumped out her window
donnie forgetting to send the text
why do they have teeth
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“marn, i missed sgdq 2022! which runs should i watch?”
hello and welcome back to another rec list curated by me and my very subjective opinions. a couple weeks ago was summer games done quick, an annual speedrunning marathon raising money for doctors without borders and also a great way to get into watching speedrunning. a lot of their content is tailored towards being both clearly explained and fun to watch for an audience outside the speedrun community, so you can jump in with basically no knowledge besides “this person is gonna play a game really fast”. here are my personal highlights that i think you should check out!
kirby and the forgotten land: it’s always great to see a game that’s just been released in the past few months hit gdq!! this was my first time watching a forgotten land run and my takeaways were that: a) this game is beautiful and b) the runner was having a GREAT time sharing it with everyone.
spyro the dragon: spyro is one of those early games that has a lot of weird cool movement tech that is still being discovered to this day, and the fact that it shows up at gdq every couple years with some completely new strats to showcase is awesome, imo.
phasmophobia: if you are staring at this link wondering “how the hell do you speedrun the co-op ghost hunting game that relies entirely on randomization and luck”, just trust me and click it. the ghosts did NOT want to cooperate with these runners at ALL.
pokemon emerald randomizer (evolution chaos co-op): i am not usually a person who has the patience to sit for all 3 hours of a pokemon run, and i figured i would just tune into this one for like half an hour while i got some other stuff done, but i was immediately enraptured. it’s a modded randomizer where your pokemon evolves into something random Every Time it levels up, with 4 runners passing the controller around on every evolution. the game was not kind to these runners. it’s one of the funniest things i’ve ever seen at gdq.
donkey kong country: tropical freeze: spikevegeta’s tropical freeze run from gdqx a few years back is still The speedrun i love showing to people, but this one is an INCREDIBLY clean run that is just a joy to watch. spike is also a GREAT runner/commentator who you’ll notice pops up on a lot of gdq commentary couches, he loves to explain not only what’s going on in the game but little anecdotes and fun facts about the community around the game/speedrun.
banjo-tooie: i love duck and hagginator’s banjo-kazooie race from 2019 and have watched it multiple times since it happened and i am happy to see duck back at gdq running banjo-tooie. :) the community around the b-k games seems really nice and if i had to pick a game to get into running myself this might be in my top 5 choices.
mi scusi: you should watch everything from this early morning silly block, i shotgunned basically all the vods for it and loved them all, but this one was the standout. a speedrunner who woke up way too early in the morning plays a spectacularly broken, floppy physics game that was a student project that is about [checks notes] a guy dealing with the mafia, stealing the world cup, and going to space. if you like this one, watch the rest of the silly block, esp turnip boy commits tax evasion and jimmie johnson’s anything with an engine.
stepmania/noitg doubles showcase: what if dance dance revolution was evil and the only way to defeat it was a 45 minute synchronized dance routine
happy’s humble burger farm: stressed runner makes burgers as fast as he can while janky jumpscare horror game tries to give him the worst rng imaginable. i watched this one kind of on a whim because i like teddyras (the runner) a lot and his commentary is like. laugh-out-loud funny. if you have an hour or less to kill and want to watch one of these vods, this is the one. if you like this, you should check out teddyras’s run of gone golfing, a similar janky horror game set at a minigolf course (sort of).
control: this is an all bosses run and something about hearing the extremely sparse 6 am crowd politely golf clap after every boss fight just took me out. also this game has SO many cool out-of-bounds skips and sequence breaks that are SO fun to watch.
mario 64: m64 is basically a staple game at gdq at this point and because it’s basically the grandfather of speedrunning they often try to dress it up with new challenges like the runner being blindfolded, or the game being randomized, or it being a race. this is not that. this is a guy playing regular vanilla mario 64 very nearly on world record pace, pulling off tricks that have never been successfully completed on the gdq stage before, and casually showing the audience completely new movement tech and clips that have been discovered while the commentators lose their fucking minds in the background. also he never died a single time in this run.
mario maker 2 relay race: two teams of 3 highly skilled mario runners go head to head in a blind relay race of 9 extremely fucking difficult mario maker levels. it’s SO cool to watch them figure out routing and strats in real time, and the level designers shoutcasting the race have some really great insight into the design of the levels themselves.
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starcourt mall
chap 2 of my fic “it almost worked” you can read the first chapter on tumblr or ao3
When Will woke up, everything seemed normal. He just ate breakfast, made some progress on a summer project and drew some sketches of his room. He also called Max to apologise for shouting at her a few days ago. She accepted it and they had a nice chat for a few minutes. But then at dinner, his mom wanted to talk to him. Will knew the signs, she was a bit more quiet and was staring at him from across the table. After a few minutes, she finally asked him something.
“Will, can I talk to you for a bit?” Joyce asked.
“Sure, Mom.” Will replied wearily, knowing what it might be about.
“I’ve just noticed that you’ve been acting a bit odd after, y’know, last October. And I just want to let you know that you can talk to me about anything on your mind,” She paused for a bit “But try leave the boy issues with Jonathan.” she added humorously.
Will seriously contemplated telling her about how the exorcism failed. This was just too big to hide, and what about the long-term? What if he hurt his mom,brother or friends? He was about to say it, but then that voice again spoke up. *No*, it demanded, *don’t tell her*. Will took a moment to think.
“Do you mind if I go to my room quickly? I’ll be quick.” he said hastily.
“Will, honey, what’s wrong?” Joyce enquired
“Mom! I’m fine, can I just go for a bit?” Will shouted.
Joyce was taken aback. Usually Will was quite sweet and quiet, so what had happened for this major personality change?
“Alright,” Joyce replied “But please don’t shout at me like that again.”
“Sorry, Mom.” Will sounded much more meek than before.
As soon as he left and went into his room, he started shaking. He didn’t know whether it was because he had just shouted at his own mother or because he was cold. Maybe it was both, Will didn’t even know himself anymore.
He’d never had an attitude like that, especially to his own mother for fucks sake, except now he did have one with because Will didn’t even have full control over his body and it had the potential to ruin all his friendships. But for some reason, he couldn’t tell anyone what was going on. Every time he tried, some instinct in his head just stopped him. Maybe it was some selfish self-protection. After a few minutes, Will decided to leave the bathroom and just try to convince his mother that he was all fine.
“So, are you sure you’re ok now?” Joyce asked.
“Yea, do you mind if I go to Starcourt?” Will requested.
“Sure, just remember curfew at-“
“9:45, I know,” Will interrupted “Bye, Mom.”
Will then left the house to go get his bike and ride it to the mall. He wanted to get there early to talk to Mike. Outings like these were some of the only times he got to talk to him because most of this summer, Mike was making with El and too “busy” to hang out. Will never understood how someone could be busy with just kissing. It should take just 2 seconds for a smooch and 10 seconds (and that is the pure maximum) for a makeout. How do guys do that with girls for hours on end?? Everyone that Will knew was in a relationship. His brother was dating Nancy, Lucas was with Max now, and Mike couldn’t keep his lips away from El. Maybe even Dustin had met a girl at science camp.
After 15 minutes of biking, Will finally reached Starcourt. Since it was the evening, the mall was lit up with its name in bright neon lights. Next to the bike racks, Lucas and Max were talking with eachother. Mike wasn’t there.
“Hey guys!” Will greeted
“Oh hey, Will, do you know where that dumbass is?” Max asked
“I didn’t see Mike, probably busy kissing El.” He answered, laughing a bit. He’d only known Max for 10 months, but they’d got on really well. And if there was one thing anyone should know about Max Mayfield, it was that she and Mike didn’t get on well. Will didn’t know the specifics of their rivalry, as he was in the hospital for most of it, but he knew the general idea; Mike didn’t want her in the party but Max wanted to join.
A car then pulled into the parking lot and 2 people came out. It was Mike and his sister, Nancy.
“Mike?” Lucas sounded extremely confused “Why the fuck is your sister here?”
“Our parents thought that he was spending too much time at Hopper’s cabin with El, so they asked me to take him.” Nancy replied “Plus, I need to do something here at the mall so it’s convenient for the both of us.”
“You just wanna talk to Steve and try get with him again!” Mike sneered
“Mike!” Nancy snapped “You know I’m dating Jonathan. You’re just mad that I’m preventing you from taking an hour detour to make out-“.
“Can we just go to the movie please? We’ll be late.” Mike firmly interrupted.
“Alright then, you guys can leave and I’ll follow on after.” Nancy said before whispering, “Jackass”
Will honestly thought Nancy had a point about Mike. He had barely been able to call on the phone or radio him on the walkie-talkie. At least Lucas and Max would be talking to each other, giving him and Mike some space to talk a bit.
It only took a minute for them to get to Scoops Ahoy so that they could use a secret corridor to get to the movies (granted, they were running through the crowds of mall-goers). Once they got to Scoops, they were dryly greeted by Robin, Steve’s coworker.
“Hey dingus, your children are here.” She drawled “Hey, Mike, where’s your sister?”
“Why do you need to know?” He replied
Just about as Robin was going to answer, Steve opened the door, letting them through the corridor.
“If anyone hears about this, you’re all-“
“Dead, we know” The party retorted
The kids honestly weren’t too discreet with going into the cinema. Anyone could’ve followed them and found out where they entered from, but that didn’t matter. Lucas was borderline running through the people in the seats.
Perfect, Will thought. Lucas and Max were a row above him and Mike. Maybe he could talk to him during the ads or after the film. His attention was diverted by the room going dark and the movie starting. But after a few minutes, the screen paused before going dark. Everyone in the cinema, including Will, started shouting in disappointment. But then a feeling suddenly came over him. It was coming from his neck, but it quickly spread all over his whole body. It felt like spiders were crawling on him, like he was drowning and burnt all at once. Will immediately started to get worried. The only time he had felt like this was on the field. It was the worst feeling he had ever had. But someone noticed Will’s zoned-out expression.
“Will, are you ok?” Mike asked.
“Yea, I’m fine.” Will said, but then suddenly he felt like he needed to leave now. He got out of his seat and ran out of the cinema. As he was leaving, he was shouting at people to move. Usually, he would always say “sorry” and “excuse me”, but he couldn’t bother with all of the pleasantries right now. Where would he go now? Considering that he was starting to feel like vomiting, Will decided to go to the bathroom.
Great, it was empty. He rushed into a stall and knelt at a toilet. It took only a few minutes before he started throwing up more than he ever had in his life. Then the lights started to flicker, and he knew what that meant. Will hid in the corner of the stall, until it stopped. But when it did, someone started speaking, to him. The voice wasn’t familiar, nor was it human, but it seemed to know him.
Give in, Will, you know you should, what else do you have to lose? Your life has been a train wreck, but I could help. And every part of Will’s body was saying no, that he should resist. What did this thing know about his life? But that instinct, the same one that prevented him from telling anyone the truth, it was saying something different. Will decided to exit the stall and see what this thing was, but when he did, no one was there. It was just him. But just before he was going to open the door, an excruciating pain shot through his body. The last thing he remembered before passing out was being balled up on the floor from pain, and 2 people running in.
“Will! Are you ok?” “What happened?” “Are you hurt?” “Should we take him home?”
Will opened his eyes, with the aftertaste of vomit still lingering in his mouth. The first thing he saw was that he was still in the bathroom, just not alone anymore. He saw 2 blurry figures, one with raven black hair and the other with flaming ginger hair. They were Mike and Max.
“What happened?” Will groggily asked his friends. All he remembered was pain, passing out and waking up.
“We wanted to check on you ‘cause you gone for so long and we looked here and saw you convulsing. You were saying something about ‘not this time’ and ‘give in’ but maybe you were just out of it.” Mike tried to keep his voice stable, but he clearly wasn’t hiding it well. He was as pale as a ghost, and was shaking even when holding Will’s hand.
“Where’s Lucas?” Will enquired. He wasn’t anywhere in his field for vision.
“We sent him to get Steve and Robin,” Max replied “And don’t even try say that you’re okay, you were muttering weird shit and having a fucking seizure.”
Just as she said that, Robin came through the door, with Lucas swiftly behind her
“Steve left early today, something about a chick and a date, so it’s just me. How are you feeling? Do you need me to get,like, an ambulance or anything? Because your friend said you had a seizure and those can be very serious.” Robin very quickly said. Will couldn’t take half of what she said in because of the speed of her talking.
“Guys, I swear I’m fine. Can I just go home a bit early, I’m tired.” Will lied unconvincingly
“Sure you can go home, but I’m coming with you.” Mike said firmly. Will decided that was fine. As long as Mike didn’t tell his mom, everything would be fine. Everyone filed out of the mall, except Robin, who needed to finish her shift. Max and Lucas grabbed their bikes and left first, giving Mike and Will some space to talk.
“So, are you sure you’re ok?” Mike asked as they rode their bikes “Because whatever happened in the bathroom looked a lot like what happened near those tunnels last year.” Will immediately felt a sense of worry go through his body.
He’ll find out, lie to him, that voice suggested. It was louder and more present now. Will hadn’t… No he couldn’t have.
“Mike, I get that you’re concerned, but i’m fine now.” Will answered “Remember, I had the Mind Flayer steamed out of me, and El closed the gate, so everything’s fine.”
“Will, you’re hiding something from me, I can tell. You can tell me anything, we’ve been friends since kindergart-“
“Yea, well sometimes it doesn’t feel like that, does it, Mike?” Will muttered.
“Huh? What did you say?” Mike asked.
“Nothing, anyways we’re at my house, bye Mike.” Will replied, before hopping off of his bike and going into his home.
“Hey, you’re back early, are you ok?” Joyce asked.
“Yea, I’m fine, I just wanna sleep. Long night.” Will replied. He kicked off his shoes before rushing into his room. He decided to look through his drawings to try calm himself down. Drawings of the party as their DnD characters, campaign ideas, sketches of Mike. Will went onto his bed to just think. Why did he start shaking on the floor, saying some weird shit? Max said that he was saying “give up” and “let me in”. He didn’t let it in, did he?
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the beginning of the end.
I’ve always found comfort in writing. There’s something therapeutic about it. Being able to put your thoughts down on paper, releasing all that’s scrambling around in your head - it’s nice. It also helps to organize my thoughts and to process them too. So, that’s what I’m going to do - put my journalism degree to use (finally!!!) and write. There’s been a lot going on in my life lately and I need to get it all out of my head somehow. So here we are - a new blog. I don’t think I’ve had a blog since I was in middle school or something. Remember LiveJournal? Is that still a thing?
Anyways, If you’re uncomfortable with the female anatomy and its functions then please move on, this story or this blog isn’t for you.
But, I’m finally at the beginning of the end. The end of monthly pain that I’ve suffered from since I was about 13 years old. The end of torturous periods. The end of sleepless nights doubled over willing and praying that the cramps would stop. The end of sitting at my desk during work, sweating my ass off because my body is in so much pain and it’s taking all that it can out of me. The end of wondering if I can make it through a social event without feeling like I want to die. Hoping and praying that I’m doing enough on the outside to mask the pain - making sure that everyone else around me has no idea that I’m hurting because I don’t want to be a burden or ruin anyone’s plans, moods, etc. The end of spending money on feminine products, spending money on heating pads, remedies, medications - all of which never really solved anything.
How did we get here? How did I get to the beginning of the end? Well, about a year ago I started experiencing some strange pains in my stomach. Pain that kept me up at night. There was nothing that made it better, but nothing that made it worse either. Just a constant pain lingering on the lower right side of my abdomen. I thought it could have been appendicitis. Or, perhaps it’s just some gas? Or - maybe something is up with my gallbladder. Maybe my IUD was out of place. But no, none of that. Nothing ever showed up on X-rays, tests, ultrasounds, or blood work to indicate an issue.
So, I carried on.
Until about a month ago.
One morning in October, I woke up with the worst cramps I’ve ever had in my life. We’re talking 15/10 on a scale of 10. The pain had me pretty messed up. I know I logged into my computer to work that day - but I also remember only laying down on my beanbag chair in my office and squeezing a pillow so tightly, hoping the pain would go away. After laying with a heating pad and loading up on a large amount of ibuprofen, I was finally able to call my OBGYN’s office. All I wanted at that point was to talk to a nurse, to have it documented that I was in a lot of pain and to make sure it was on my record so that my gynecologist and I could talk about it during my annual wellness exam, that was only a few weeks away. The nurse couldn’t have been any more sympathetic to what I was going through. She could tell in my voice that I was uncomfortable. She took down my information, wrote down all that I was dealing with, and then spoke to my doctor. My doctor recommended an ultrasound - mostly to check and make sure that my IUD was in its right spot, but to also see if something else might be causing my discomfort.
So, a week later, I had my ultrasound appointment.
Now, this isn’t any normal ultrasound. This was a transvaginal ultrasound. Doesn’t sound fun, does it?
It’s not.
Let me break it down for you. It’s a stranger, with a wand, probing around your private parts for a good 45 minutes and taking pictures of your insides. She’s not really explaining what she’s looking at, but instead trying to have a discussion about what halloween costume she’s going to wear that weekend. It quite frankly was the worst 45 minutes of my life. I hated every moment of it. While the tech was trying to make it as easy and comfortable as possible for me - it wasn’t. It was painful. All I could do was stare at the ceiling and try my hardest not to react to any movements by her or cry.
Once it was over, the waiting game began.
I had an appointment scheduled with my gynecologist a week and a half after that ultrasound took place. It was a long 10 days. But that appointment literally changed EVERYTHING.
My doctor and a surgeon reviewed my ultrasound. They were able to determine a few things. First,I had 2 different diseases that I was diagnosed with - endometriosis and adenomyosis. Second, I likely would never be able to have children. Third, what I thought was ‘normal’ (aka the horrible cramps and all the other exponentially worse experiences of being a woman on a monthly basis) - was and is not normal at all. But, with all that bad news, I FINALLY had answers on why I have been suffering most of my life.
For those of you who don’t know, endometriosis is a disease where the lining/tissue of your uterus grows outside of your uterus. The tissue can be found in the fallopian tubes, on the ovaries, on many different parts of your body. Every month, when that tissue sheds from the uterus (your period), the tissue everywhere else in the body has nowhere to go to escape, causing pain. The hormones released by your ovaries triggers the endometriosis, causing pain. Adenomyosis takes it a step further - that same tissue - (again, which should ONLY be in your uterus) actually grows within the muscles and walls of the uterus. So every time hormones are released, or your uterus contracts (cramps) - it squeezes that tissue in the muscles making the pain 1000000000x worse than ‘normal’ period cramps. (or so I’m told. I can’t tell you what a normal period cramp feels like.)
So great. I finally have a diagnosis. It actually gave me some relief. I suddenly have an explanation for what I’ve been going through. I no longer feel crazy for complaining about how bad my cramps are. I no longer have to gaslight myself (I’m really good at this) into thinking that it’s all in my head, that it’s not ‘that’ bad, etc. I actually have a medical diagnosis to explain all that’s happening. I have tons of research to do! I can learn how to live with this and have a normal life! Right?
Well… sort of.
You see, while medications can help with endometriosis and you can even have a surgery to have it scraped away from your body and get some relief - the relief may not be permanent. The only way for it to totally go away is naturally, through menopause. Which in reality could be 10, 15, 20, maybe even 30 years away. But, there is no medicine to help fix adenomyosis. Again, I could wait for menopause for the adenomyosis to go away too.
But, the only way to fix adenomyosis is through surgery.
By removing my uterus.
A hysterectomy.
Hysterectomy. That’s a pretty big word. That’s a pretty big deal. There’s a lot of finality with a hysterectomy. No more periods - which in turn means no more pain. It also means never being able to have children. That’s okay too - I never had a desire to have children, and thankfully neither does my husband. But in a weird way, it also feels like a bit of an identity crisis. Like a loss of a part of my femininity. And that’s been a bit of a struggle. And I think I’ll eventually talk about these things in other posts in the future.
But I was faced with this decision - do I medicate the endometriosis and deal with the adenomyosis until menopause, or do I get the hysterectomy and live my life free from monthly pain?
For me, it was a simple choice. I chose hysterectomy.
My hysterectomy will be scheduled soon. I met with my surgeon a couple of weeks ago.. He’s really great. I feel comfortable with him and I feel comfortable with my decision. This decision will ultimately improve my quality of life. It will make my life a hell of a lot easier and will allow me to enjoy life to the fullest.
I never would have imagined going through this surgery, especially at 35 years old. There have been many times when I’ve had cramps where I’ve thought “can’t I just get rid of it all?!” And now, finally, I can.
You might be wondering why I am sharing this. Well, to be completely honest, I hope that I will be able to help others who are going through the same thing or, receive this diagnosis. Especially younger women. I hope that I can help them stand up and advocate for themselves and their health. I’ve been dealt a bad hand when it comes to doctors as of late and if I didn’t advocate for myself and also take the time to research doctors to make sure I have nothing but the best from here on out - who knows where I would be. I also hope that this will help me to connect to other women who may have already gone through all of this. To find others who UNDERSTAND. It can feel very isolating when you’re sick or have a sickness and no one really understands. I also hope it will help me process all of this. This is a major surgery. I’m having multiple ORGANS removed from my body. That’s crazy. That’s something that I’m still having a hard time wrapping my head around.
So, I hope being able to write about this, the process, my feelings, my recovery - will just help to make it that much easier for me. I have a lot on my mind surrounding this procedure and a lot that I want to discuss.. There’s a lot of what ifs and there are a lot of fears. But there’s also hope. So while this is the beginning of the end of my relationship with my uterus, it will also bring a new beginning to my life.
Excited to start the countdown til I can say, “See you later, ovulater!”
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Stockholm Week 16: Tate McRae in Stockholm!
It was my second to last week in Stockholm. I can’t believe that it’s time for me to go back to the US already. It feels like I’ve been here for two months now… I still have so much more to try and enjoy ;-;
The weather is beautiful now: it ranges from the high 40s to the low 70s but the sun makes it feel like mid 70s!
4/30 Tue: Cherry Blossoms in Kungsträdgården
On Tuesday, I had a group presentation for Crime Fiction. We presented a rewrite of the book that we read, The Legacy, for 20 minutes.
After class, I went to ICA nearby and bought ice cream as a small treat for myself :))
Coca-cola popsicle❤️
Ranting about the cherry blossoms for a few days did bore fruit: we went to see the cherry blossoms in Kungsträdgården.
Walking on a street full of cherry blossoms was on my bucket list for the longest time – being able to check it off the list in Stockholm was a wonderful experience. They were fully bloomed and the streets were fully packed too.
I could see happiness
On top of the cherry blossoms, I got to go out on a nice dinner for my friend’s birthday. We went to Florentine, a popular Italian restaurant in Stockholm.
Their signature drink Florentine on the Beach was fire🔥
The walk back to my house was a new experience due to the sight of hundreds of people wearing the same white marine hat. Apparently, it is a high school graduation tradition where all the graduating seniors where the hat and celebrate after school. Even the way back home was interesting!
I also spotted wildflowers on the streets on the way back home (I swear they weren’t there before).
Small things make me smile :)
Tuesday was a day packed with joy!
5/1 Wed: Food Trial
My friends and I checked out this Korean fried chicken place! We made a reservation for 5 people but had to wait an hour until the food came out… The taste wasn’t what I expected either🥲 Wouldn’t necessarily recommend but they did try their chicken well!
Monster chicken
5/2 Thu: TATE MCRAE
The big day has come – I completely forgot about the Tate McRae concert until a couple of days ago and I got extremely excited since then.ᐟ.ᐟ.ᐟ
But before the concert: I woke up early (10 am) to do my laundry and saw this beautiful scenery outside the window.
Our garden is the best no cap < 3
I dressed up both for my final poster presentation for the Engineering Sustainable Environments in Scandinavia core course AND the concert because I had no time to change.
I was originally planning to miss the last class dinner, but (1) the class ended early and (2) I was convinced by free food. The burger place we went to was the building right next to DIS, so it didn’t consume much time either.
The burger with sweet potato fries (it was gas) on top of Briska pear cider (I love that thing) was the best combination I could think of.
Group pic!
I sprinted out of the restaurant not too late after my friends (already at the concert) asked me where I was.
I made it in time to Avicii Arena: I stood in the line for a good amount of time and went through security relatively quickly.
Once I went inside, I moved upstairs and my friends followed my lead. We had a better view!
The concert started with Charlieonafriday, who performed for about thirty minutes. He was a very good singer and a rapper! Low key a fan now.
The intermission after the opening was 45 minutes, and we were doubting if Tate McRae was lost or something. Thankfully, she came out and we enjoyed a full hour of her performance.
My personal favorites were greedy, exes, and you broke me first. And wow she could dance for real.
I did not want it to end :((
5/3 Fri
On Friday, I perfected my oral exam script for Swedish. My partner and I pulled together and memorized a 5-minute speech in Swedish with good pronunciation :)
We were constantly getting 5 minutes and 30 seconds on practices, but when we actually did the exam it somehow got shortened to 5 minutes.
Nevertheless, it was a success!
After our exam, we could leave early, so I went thrifting as a treat for myself. I was on a mission to find a brown leather jacket, but it did not happen :( I do not think it’s happening anytime soon either…
I almost bought the rabbit version but I stopped myself
I took a little detour to a park next to our apartment. Cherry blossoms and wildflowers prompted everyone (AND PUPPIES) to come out!
Spring is making me an outdoorsy person :)
The views from the garden in front of our apartment! I relaxed and absorbed the sunlight for a bit.
The next post will be devoted to my time in Italy.
I’ll see you later!
Hey då,
Jiwoo Kim
Chemical Engineering
DIS Study Abroad in Stockholm, Sweden
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can everything just stop please I just need a day or two to breathe and catch up please please pleasepleasepleaseple
learned when I woke up today that someone I knew, but was not close with and haven’t seen since before the pandemic, but still held love for, passed away on Monday, and I’ve mostly been fine the whole day but like 45 minutes ago it hit me and now I can’t stop crying, it hurts, and now there’s no way I’m doing more work tonight, can’t even do the laundry I’ve been procrastinating because, as previously stated, I can’t stop crying, and I’m nauseous and feel even more like shit than before and I’m just sad and don’t have the time or energy to be dealing with these feelings
#thespian ramblings#death mention tw#sorry I don’t usually dump this type of shit on here but I need this to go somewhere where someone else might see it
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Concert Trip Round 2✨
My turn! It’s a year since we said goodbye here in Cali, but this time I’m coming to you. I don’t know if you expect me to do one of these or not, but I am. I’m so excited. I’ve never been so excited to wake up at 6 AM to the point where I woke up at 3 and 5:45 AM and only needed the first alarm to wake me up. As I’m writing this, I’m putting my laptop into my bag and getting dressed and ready to see you shortly, and I’m sending you my flights to track me as I get to you.
I’ve made it to the gate. I’ve eaten breakfast and had a coffee. They’re still boarding the flight before mine. I have over an hour to wait for the first flight. It feels like I’m dreaming, and you and I are talking about how you were here just a year ago today. I’ve never seen the airport so quiet and serene, so I feel like it’ll be a good day. I’ll be writing until they call for me.
Well, I guess I spoke too soon. The flight got cancelled, but luckily I got moved to another flight. It’s not the best, I have a five hour layover now, but at least I’ll still make it there, even if it’s 5 hours later. Guess I have to find a way to entertain myself today.
Alrighty I’ve made my way to Vegas. I was greeted with slot machines right at the gate and it gave me whiplash honestly. Having never been to Vegas before, I might play, but I’m not too sure. The airport is huge though! Walked a good ten minutes from gate to gate, with countless slot machines and a deep swarm of people. I have a good 4 hours left to kill, so I’ll eat slowly before heading back to my gate to try and kill my time lol
I’m about halfway thru the flight now. Vegas airport made my head hurt, but everyone knew it wouldn’t really be my thing. My phone says 7:36, but that’s still PST and I don’t know what time zone I’m in right now. Probably central. The guy next to me is pretty cool. Told me about his book and likes to crack jokes. 10/10 person to be next to tbh. I can’t wait to see you, and I’m strangely energized after resting my eyes at takeoff. I don’t think I fell asleep but either way is fine. I just want to be there to see you already. Even if all we do is drive to the hotel and sleep since it’ll be late. Just being with you again is going to be so refreshing.
I DID IT, IM HERE. AND AFTER A LONG ASS DAY, WE MADE IT TO THE HOTEL. YOURE IN THE PJS AND WE DID IT. It just feels normal ngl, like this is how it was supposed to be the whole time. Like we were meant to just have beds next to each other and be able to just scream at each other irl instead of through message. It just feels RIGHT. Anyway, good night love. You need sleep like now bc you wake up soon. I love you so much and I’m so glad I was able to get here. Have good Yunho dreams. See you in a few hours 💖
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Today is just GRAND
Friend goes “why do we never talk anymore? You’ve stopped talking to me.” Yeah because you’re fucking annoying and you ONLY make things about yourself and never ask about me so you wonder why I don’t want to talk to you and this isn’t a new development. Pretty much since March our conversations have been dry and she hasn’t gotten the fucking hint that she irritates me and it makes me want to pound my face into a wall
Bad nightmare woke me up at 4:30am and I couldn’t get back to sleep after that. (First nightmare I’ve had in YEARS)
Normal pre-work routine that I’ve been doing for like two years suddenly interrupted and I wanted to cry but alas couldn’t do that so pushed down the emotions
Have to work 11-8 on New Year’s Day with less than 4 hours of sleep
Car issues meaning that my parents get my car and the other car to go 45 miles away to take care of pigs due today (we have a truck too but it’s the source of the issue) and my sisters car has a flat tire despite it just getting fixed like two days ago and I can’t drive it to work because of it
Having to get dropped off at work 30 minutes early due to aforementioned car issues
Feeling in sensory hell due to pushing down the aforementioned emotions
Tired as HELL and energy drinks don’t do a single fuckin thing for me
But hey! At least I got to read a whole entire book before 9am.
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Crush part 1
this one is going to be an on going story. i’m not sure how many parts it’ll have all said and done, i’m just gonna write until it feels right to stop. it’ll involve plenty of fluff, smut, and angst. warnings include a mention of an abusive relationship, physical fighting, and a very brief mention of manipulation into sex. I think that’s it for now. let me know what you guys think. other than that, enjoy :)
I woke up to the sunlight shining in through my black curtains. It’s not as bright as it usually is, so I assume it’s a rainy day. I like these days. They bring me a feeling of peace and calmness, which is much needed right now.
I roll over and look at my phone. 3 new texts from my ex, Luke. Well, he’s sort of my ex. We only officially dated for a week but talked for maybe 4 months before that. I found out a few weeks ago that when he met me, he had made a bet with his friends to see which one of them could cause me to break my celibacy first.
I was obviously devastated. I mean my celibacy was just a personal choice, not a religious thing or anything like that. But I got out of a heavily abusive relationship almost 2 years ago and swore up and down that the next person I’m with would be someone who wants to be with me and who treats me right. I thought I found that in Luke, but clearly I didn’t.
My heart was broken when I found out. I was basically manipulated into having sex, he wasn’t up front with his intentions from the start. I felt like an object. I felt violated. It fucking hurt to say the least, especially after everything I had been through in the past.
I was with Luke at dinner when I discovered this, and he all but got on his knees and begged for forgiveness. He swore he was sorry, and that it started like that but that he quickly developed real feelings for me. He swore he loved me, and hated himself for his actions. But I couldn’t be with him anymore. I just don’t have the energy to deal with something like that. It was a gross thing to do, and it showed me his true colors. The fact he would even be the type of person to not only entertain that idea, but to actually pursue it? It ruined my trust in him and made me want to shut down completely and never attempt to date again. I’m done with him.
Luke 8:54 am
Good morning y/n
Luke 9:02 am
I miss you
Luke 9:15 am
Can we please talk today?
I read the messages, rolling my eyes and laying my phone back down beside me. I take a moment to clear my mind and meditate before I climb out of bed. I head downstairs and put on some coffee and throw some oatmeal in the microwave.
My phone starts ringing. It’s Vinnie.
“Hello?” I say in a cheerful voice.
“Hey, are you coming over today? Jett and I were about to head out to get some Starbucks and we can go ahead and pick you up if you’re ready,” he says.
My car is currently in the shop so I have no way to get anywhere right now.
“Yeah! That would be great. I just made some coffee and my breakfast. When will you be here?”
“Uh, maybe 45 minutes?”
“I’ll be ready,” I say. “Just let me know when you’re like 5 minutes out.”
“Okay, I’ll see you in a bit. Bye, y/n.” I can hear his smile through his voice.
“Bye, Vinnie,” I laugh a little as I hang up the phone. I quickly eat, then run upstairs to get dressed. It’s a sweater and jeans kinda day for sure. I brush my hair and teeth and sit at my vanity to put a little makeup on.
While I’m doing my makeup, I shift in my seat nervously. I take a deep breath to calm myself. I always get nervous before I see Vinnie. I don’t know why, I’ve known him since I moved to LA. We’re good friends.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that he likes me. Like... likes me likes me. The only thing is, Vinnie isn’t too much of “ladies man”. I mean he is as far as women liking him goes but he cannot flirt or drop a hint to someone he likes if it meant saving his life. When he tries to, it’s just awkward. But it’s sort of a charming awkwardness. It always makes me smile.
With that being said, I’m still not fully convinced he actually does like me because of this. It’s just hard to tell by the way he acts. But the main reason I think he does is because a few months ago when Luke and I were just starting to get close we were at a party at the Hype House. Vinnie was drunk and in a mood that night. Hyper as hell and frustrated with everyone but with an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude, and he and Luke had a moment.
—
Flashback
Luke and I arrived at the party and we took a few shots together. Vinnie is usually the first to greet me when I come over but tonight he acted like he couldn’t care less, which was weird. He seemed upset about something but seemed like he was trying to hide it or play it off. I still felt his eyes glued to me all night. Every time I glanced over at him, he was already looking at me but he wouldn’t keep his eye contact with me. He’d just look away with a pouty look on his face.
Everyone started playing a drinking game that was basically just truth or dare but if you don’t answer the question or do the dare, you take a shot.
Everyone was sitting at the dining table, and the game came around to me.
“Alright, y/n, truth or dare?” Liza asks.
“Uhhh, dare?” I say, smiling.
“Alright, I dare you to kiss Luke,” she laughs and everyone except Vinnie lets out a little ‘ooooo’ sound.
I look over at Luke, blushing. I haven’t kissed him yet, or anyone in a while for that matter. I’m not sure I want my first kiss in nearly 2 years to be while I’m drunk with a room full of people staring at us.
“I don’t know,” I laugh shaking my head.
“Oh come on, y/n. Give me a little kiss,” Luke says, nudging my arm.
“I think I’ll just take a shot,” I say, laughing it off.
“Oh come on, you seriously won’t kiss me?” Luke said, smiling but sounding genuinely frustrated.
“I -“ I get cut off by Vinnie.
“She said she doesn’t want to, so leave her alone about it,” Vinnie says shrugging with his eyes wide and snide smile on his face.
Luke immediately gets angry. “Buddy, if she has a fucking problem with this, she’ll tell me her god damn self.”
“That’s not what she’s literally fucking doing?” Vinnie laughed sarcastically.
“You got a fucking problem, Vinnie?”
“Yeah, I obviously fucking do,” he replies.
“Okay, enough,” I say sternly.
“No, let’s talk about this. Since Vinnie wants to act like a tough guy in front of everyone, like he’s gonna tell me shit about anything,” Luke says.
Vinnie stands up aggressively, and Luke stands to meet him. They walk up to each other, chest to chest.
“Alright, stop it!” I say loudly.
Eamon stands up to come between them. “Seriously, don’t do this guys,” he says putting his hand on Vinnie’s chest to push him back.
“Whatever,” Vinnie shakes his head, storming away.
“What a dickhead,” Luke says angrily.
I sit there in shock for a second, trying to process what the hell just happened and why. I glance around the table and everyone is just sitting in silence, looking at me. Now I’m embarrassed and irritated. I sigh and stand up, walking out the front door ordering an Uber. Luke follows me.
“Y/n, what was that about?” He asks grabbing my arm.
“Luke, just stop,” I say, pulling my arm away.
“I didn’t even do anything, it’s that fucking asshole. Who the hell does he think he is?”
“I don’t have a clue. I just want to go home. I already have an Uber on the way. Can you just wait out here? I forgot my bag inside,” I say.
I walk back inside through the side door to avoid facing everyone again. I come around the corner into the living room. Vinnie is sitting in here alone on the couch, looking down with his head in his hands.
“Vinnie,” I say softly. “Are you okay?” I ask.
“Yep,” he looks up at me then sighs looking away.
“What was that about?” I sit down next to him.
“What? He was pressuring you,” he says, holding his hand up as if pointing to where Luke was. “I don’t even know why you like that guy, he’s such a fucking cocky prick.” He looks like he could cry right now.
“I think you’re just drunk and tired. You need to get some sleep,” I say, resting my hand on his back.
“Nah, I’m just tired of it.”
“Tired of what?” I ask.
He shakes his head. “Nothing.”
I look at him confused for a moment trying to figure out what he means.
“If you ever decide to date someone who actually cares about you and isn’t an asshole, let me know.” He gets up and walks up the stairs before I have a chance to respond.
What the hell does he mean by that?
—
My phone dings.
Vinnie 11:02 am
We’re about to pull up
I get up and spritz a little bit of perfume on myself. It’s Daisy by Marc Jacobs. Vinnie always compliments this one when I wear it. Every single time. So I wear it just for him.
I walk downstairs, grabbing my bag and putting my shoes on. I walk out my front door just as him and Jett pull up.
As I approach the car, Jett rolls his window down.
“Do you want to sit up front?” He asks.
“Oh no, you’re okay. Thank you though,” I smile and get into the backseat.
“Good morning,” Vinnie says looking back at me.
“Good morning, Vin.”
“You smell good,” he says, subtly smirking at me as he backs out of the driveway.
“Thank you,” I blush, looking down trying to conceal my smile.
#vinnie fluff#vinnie hacker smut#vinnie hacker#vinnie#fanfic#vinnie reader#vinnie x reader#vinnie fanfic#vinniehackerfanfic#vinnie angst#smut#vinnie smut
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Moral of the Story. Chapter Four.
Summary: Marrying too young out of highschool leads to a naive and failed marriage. Now 10 years later, word comes that the divorce was never actually completed. Bucky and Y/N have to come back together after all this time to settle what wasn’t all those years back. Passive attitudes, miscommunicated endings, and reminiscing of old loves and lives all comes back for the two.
Pairing: Bucky x Y/N
Word Count:
A/N:
Chapter Four:
Bucky groaned as the alarm blared throughout the room. Rolling over to his side, he threw his head into the pillow. That didn’t stop the beeping like he had hoped, so with a groan he pushed up, smacking the red numbers that screamed at him. He rolled back onto his back and blinked up at the bare ceiling.
Today was the day…
_________________
Y/N couldn’t seem to sleep at all, so she woke up early at 6:30 jumping into the shower. Having the extra time, she took it to have a nice long soak in the hot water. The schedule of the day running through her mind.
The chance of them running into each other was practically at 100%. They had a time frame of 9-10 to get in and sign what they needed. Mr. Murdock said something along the lines that it would take about 30-45 minutes to get everything finalized and copied.
So yeah… Within an hour frame of needed 30-45 minutes of signing shit and getting multiple copies made, meant Bucky and her would most likely be sitting next to the other as it was done.
She let out a tired and irritated moan as she finally decided to turn off the water. She had it running for so long, her hands were prunes and the water was becoming lukewarm. The world was telling her to suck it up and move on with the day.
____________
The car ride there was dreadful. Every stop light just elongated the inevitable meeting. Every turn brought him closer to the terrifying reunion.
He was running early to begin with, but after hitting traffic from a wreck, he was now running just a few minutes behind. So weaving through the people who didn’t understand New York traffic was his specialty in showing up in time.
____________
She stopped at the coffee shop by her house before really heading to the attorneys office. The car ride to the place was easy and smooth on her end. From coming from the outskirts of Brooklyn, the inner city traffic was avoided for the most part. So she was there early. She even had a second to sit in her car and drink the latte she had bought. Something about Brooklyn latte’s was 10x better than anything California had.
Maybe it had something to do with the fact they actually had cold weather to pair the hot drink with, whereas where she now lived, the lowest low in temperatures was 70 degrees.
________________
Getting there with just 3 minutes to spare, Bucky rushed out of the car and walked with a hint of speed to the door that read Nelson and Murdock Law Firm.
No sign of Y/N yet, but as he walked in, he heard a shout from the street that caused him to turn as soon as he walked in. He didn’t have a second to register what the shout was about as he took two steps in and ran straight into someone’s back.
“Whoa!” he said, using his hands to brace himself on the mystery person's shoulders, and the other person making the same exclamation. “Oh God, I’m so sor-”
Before he could finish the apology, the women turned showing the face of his matured high-school-sweetheart.
“Oh,” he let out in a breathy turn. He could tell just from past experience with her, she had a snarky comment on her tongue at the run in, but upon seeing him, the words died on her lips. “Hey.”
She looked great. Like, really great after all these years. Not that she wasn’t a beautiful gal to begin with, but you never know how someone’s going to age. However, she looked almost the same.
Sure, she had aged some, but just like a nice bottle of the finest wine in all the vineyards of California. Maybe that was her secret given her new home.
Her Y/H/C hair was styled in loose curls. It was voluminous with a healthy shine to it. She had on an off white, canvas dress that cinched at the waist with buttons going down it. And she had a layered gold necklace going down her chest where the buttons were undone. She looked both professional yet casual at the same time.
Bucky realized he had been staring when she awkwardly looked around her trying to not pay attention to his analyzing eyes.
“Hey,” she said, letting out a deep breath.
She didn’t miss how good he looked either. Even in those facebook pictures that she had found the night before, the ones she found him just as attractive, they didn’t do the real man justice. His hair was just as long as the most recent picture his mother had posted, and he looked more muscular than she ever remembered. The scrubs didn't do his build justice.
He was wearing a navy blue v-neck tight fitting t-shirt. A brown leather jacket that looked as though it was tailored specifically for him and him alone. And lastly, he had on a pair of jeans that of course, fit in him all the right places.
There was a very awkward silence as they stood there not knowing what else to say. Neither now looking at the other, but instead looking at every little inanimate object item in the office.
After what felt like eons of the most tense silence to exist, Bucky was about to speak up again, but was cut off from another person running in late.
“Oh, gosh. I’m so sorry guys,” the voice sighed, out of breath from what they presumed was running to get there on time. “Foggy was supposed to pick me up and we were going to ride together, but he got food poisoning last night, so I had to take the train last minute.”
The man had dark brown hair, a nice suit, and a pair of sunglasses on even though it was overcast today and the sun was barely peeking through the heavy clouds.
“Foggy?” Y/N asked with a tilt of her head.
Bucky turned back looking at her with the same question on his mind, but watching the small action of confusion brought him back 10 years. God, it had been so long he had almost forgotten the little mannerisms she had that he found adorable. And damn her for still having that adorable action.
“Oh, right. Franklin Nelson. My co-attorney,” he nodded. “We’ve been friends since we were in college. Friends call him Foggy.”
“Oh, I see,” Y/N nodded with a kind smile.
“Anyway, I won’t bore you with my morning chaos. I’m sure you two are ready to get this over with and go on about your day,” he smiled, and pulled a walking stick out from around him as he closed the door. One that neither had realized he had been holding until now. “You two much be James and Y/N. It’s nice to meet you, I’m Matthew Murdock.
“It’s nice to meet you Matthew,” Y/N replied sweetly.
“Yes, thank you for helping us out,” Bucky nodded, placing his hands nervously in his pockets.
“It’s my pleasure. I’m so sorry about everything that you guys are having to fix,” he said apologetically. But I’m sure you guys want to go about your day, so please, right this way,” he motioned to the door that was across from them.
Bucky and Y/N both shared an impressed look on their faces as they watched him maneuver through the office gracefully.
They followed close behind him and once they were seated in the chairs in front of the desk, Bucky began to fidget in his spot. Sure the office had been redone and really didn’t look much like it had all those years ago, but the layout was the same. And all it was doing to him was bringing back memories he hated trudging back to the surface.
He subtly looked over at Y/N and saw her sitting in perfect posture watching Matthew as if if she were to look at him and only him, then she wouldn’t have to face Bucky.
Why did he expect anything less? Of course she hated him just as much as she had all those years. She was probably dreading this meeting just as much as him. That small speck of hope that maybe they could be somewhat normal and civil upon meeting again after all this time, completely faded at that point.
“Ok, this really shouldn’t take all that much time since Foggy and I went ahead and wrote up all the things that needed signed and double checked. So we should be able to breeze through all this,” Matthew nodded, bringing up a thick file that looked as though it had tabs on the side organizing them.
Y/N looked over wondering just how he knew the difference between documents and noticed on each tab, there were bariel markings along them.
“If you don’t mind me asking, out of all places to live, why New York? It’s got to be hard getting around such a crazy busy city given.. ” Bucky asked, but didn’t finish not sure how to word it. Y/N snapped her head in his direction and smacked his arm. “Ow!” Bucky jumped, sending her raised eyebrows. “What the hell?”
“I’m assuming you’re asking because of this,” Matthew laughed casually as he pointed to his glasses. “Don’t worry. You would be surprised just how often I get asked that.”
“Yeah, it was just a question,” Bucky pouted toward Y/N while rubbing his assaulted arm. The two falling back into their old behaviors rather fast.
“I wasn’t always blind. I mean I have been for a good chunk of my life, but I’ve lived in New York my whole life as well,” Matthew went on to explain as he moved papers around. “If anything it would be harder for me to get around if I moved any place else. I know this place like the back of my hand.”
“That’s impressive,” Bucky nodded, getting comfortable in his seat.
“Eh, it’s either learn or get bumped around the sidewalk of a place full of people who don’t give a second glance to anyone who’s in their way,” Matthew shrugged. “Oh, I need to go grab something before we start.”
He maneuvered through the room leaving the door open as he went across the office. Tension filled the air as they were left alone for a second time in the past 5 minutes.
Y/N was sitting straight forward, her eyes wandering here and there around the meeting room, but careful not to go over to Bucky’s side of the room. He looked down seeing her hands were fiddling in her lap. She was tapping her thumbs together while his leg bounced up and down.
Bucky had opened his mouth to start to say something, but even he wasn’t sure what was about to come out. Lucky for him, Matthew came back in and went back to his seat.
“Sorry about that. I thought I had it all, but needed to get some pens and one last paper I left on the printer last night.”
“You’re fine,” Y/N said professionally, but kindly. “I have one quick question, if you don’t mind.” Matthew nodded her on with a soft smile. “What exactly happened to Hammer after all this chaos was discovered?”
“Oh, yes. He, uh, he will not be an issue to anyone else to put it lightly. His license was revoked and terminated and he is currently on trial for money laundering and malpractice,” he answered.
“Serves him right,” Bucky mumbled, and instead of getting a smack to the arm, Y/N nodded in agreement.
“Ok, if you two are ready, let’s begin,” Matthew smiled before grabbing the first set of papers.
The two straightened in their seats and the process began.
After a few minutes of just signing, Matthew started to make notes of updated information for the two.
“Ok, Mrs. Barnes, sorry, Y/N,” he corrected quickly. “What is your line of profession at the moment?”
“I work at Horizon Labs in L.A. It’s a company a friend and I from college started up. I’m a Sustainable-Conscious Financial Advisor for a lot of smaller businesses as well as some bigger ones we recently just became partners with,” she answered.
“Horizon Labs, huh?” Matthew said with an impressed look. Bucky turned to look at her as she lightly blushed. “I think I listened to a podcast about them. You guys help companies use recycled goods and find energy efficient technology, right?”
“We just redirect them to people who can help them get those resources. It’s practically just connecting the companies that would work great together in helping the environment,” she nodded humbly.
“That’s amazing,” Matthew smiled. “We need more people and companies like that.”
“Thank you.”
He made note of that on a computer. “I’m assuming with all that, you have to be a little too busy for a second job, right? I don’t need to make note of another?”
“Uh, actually,” she added, Bucky’s already focused eyes on her quirked at her response. “I just invested in a Woman’s shelter with another friend of mine. I haven’t really got to do much with it, but it is a second job as of lately.”
“Wait? Nat?” Bucky caught on.
“Uh, yeah,” she nodded almost shyly. Probably the second time out of this whole meeting that she actually made eye contact with him. “My company works with them in getting some of the resources and items they need for the shelter. I talked with Nat and I invested into it some to help with some with their financial advisements.”
“Wow, th-that’s,” Bucky faltered. “That sounds like you,” he said with a breathy laugh thinking about how maybe she really hadn’t changed all these years. That being one of the ‘reasons’ they had broken it off, how people change and all. But that’s a story for another time.
Y/N didn’t show a response to his words, but she did take them in.
“So you run a woman’s home and you run a well-off business that promotes eco-friendly resources for the environment?”
“Well, I don’t run the woman’s home. That’s all my friends doing. I just help where help is asked if I can,” she answered once again humbly. No sense of egotistical pride hinted in her explanations or answers.
“That’s extremely impressive Y/N,” Matthew gushed some, and Bucky noticed the smallest form of attraction come off the lawyer. He straightened at that. “I’ll make a note of it. And you Mr. Barnes. What is your occupation?”
Bucky relaxed his shoulders and focused back at the issue at hand. Trying to not get jealous of something that wasn’t even his to be jealous of.
“I’m one of the head occupational therapist at Stark Theracorp,” he answered. Now it was Y/N’s turn to look at him intrigued. “I run the geriatric occupational therapy floor and manage our equipment and employees. ”
“Two very impressive people in the work field from what I’m getting,” Matthew chuckled some as he made the notes. “Now, if you don’t mind, I have to ask about income from the both of you for the record. If you want to write it on a paper and hand it to me you can or if you are comfortable saying it outloud that works too. Either way, I’ll have Foggy add it in later to the finalized papers.”
“Wait, so we aren’t finalizing it today?” Y/N asked, somewhat shocked.
“Did Foggy not tell you?” Matthew asked. “I thought he reached out to you before this meeting.”
“I don’t believe so,” Y/N shook her head.
“Well, the reason this one is so quick is because I just need a few signatures and updated notes on you two. After that, I’ll make the altercations for the official papers and I’ll send those to you both on their own to get the final signature. You can either bring them to me here, fax them, or have them sent via mail after you signed off on them.”
“Oh, I see,” Y/N nodded. The look of defeat in her posture and facial expressions.
It hurt Bucky a little seeing her reaction to it. Did she really want to get away from him that bad? Was he that much of a nuisance in her life? I mean, yeah, they were supposed to be divorced 9 years ago, but he didn’t want it then and it still hurt seeing just how much she wanted it now.
“That’s not an issue is it? I’m terribly sorry for the inconvenience,” Matthew apologized.
“No, no. It’s ok,” she said in reassurance to him. But she let out an almost bitter laugh before she spoke again. “We’ve been married for the past 9 years apparently. What’s a few more days?”
“I guess that’s true,” Matthew laughed with her.
Bucky rolled his eyes discreetly. He really hated how she was reacting with all this. It wasn’t surprising, but doesn’t mean it hurts any less seeing how badly she wanted out of the situation.
“Mr. Barnes, are you ok with that?”
“I’ll survive a few more days, I guess,” he returned just as bitterly as Y/N. The two looked at each other one more time, but this time, anger and annoyance was clear on both of their faces.
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forget me not
spencer reid x reader
Request: No
Word Count: 3.5k
Warnings: Kidnapping, torture, drowning, murder, drug mention, etc
Summary: You and Spencer don't realize you love each other until it's almost too late
Author's Note: First thing in like fucking forever, so yeah. This was originally a request and then I was at school and I couldn't look at my request so it was way off script, so I just did my own shit, this also takes place in the 5th season, in the middle just after hayley dies.
~
"The unsub is a white male between the ages of 35-45. His modus operandi is drowning in the great lakes, he's already struck Superior, Michigan, Ontario, and Huron, so we expect Lake Erie to be next." Hotch says, glancing at his phone every minute or so. It's his third case back since Hayley died, and he's picked up a habit of waiting to hear bad news.
"This unsub has recently developed a hallucinative disorder where every face he sees has an emotional connection. There were no discernable connections between his victims which leads us to believe that his mind is filling in the gaps at random." Reid says, gesturing abstractly at nothing at all in particular.
"This disorder was likely triggered by a recent brain injury connected to the Great Lakes so keep a lookout for any recent accident victims. He was very social until the accident, and after it he immediately became anti-social. He was probably in a relationship recently, but then broke it off, he is not married, but possibly has children, which he will not shy away from using in a hostage situation." Morgan exclaims as he leans against a desk.
"His victims are all over the place, so we advise everyone to be on high alert. There is no pattern to the murders, from a 51-year-old single mother of two to a 14-year-old on vacation." You pause and take a breath, looking back down at your notes. "Someone out there knows this man, so we implore you to tell as many people as possible, our Media Liaison Jennifer Jareau will be setting up a press conference, and it is very important to get this out to as many people as possible."
"Won't that just spook him more?" One of the sheriff's deputy says, with a concerned look on his face.
"Yes, but at this point, he will kill again no matter what, it's better to have the public be informed because he will take another victim, whether we find him during or after is up to us."
He nods, and looks down at his notepad, badly masking his disturbed grimace.
"Thank you and let us know if you have any leads," Hotch exclaims, closing the meeting.
You walk up to Spencer "I bet we're their favorite people right about now." You say, sipping on your coffee.
Reid avoids your eyes and continues to fidget with the chess piece that he probably stole from one of the officer's desks. "What's wrong Reid?"
"I dunno, I just have a really bad feeling about this one," He picks up his cane and walks away. When Spencer has enough he needs to walk away, and as long as he wasn't hurt that was fine with you.
"Reid, y/l/n, Garcia's got something." Morgan raps his knuckles on the doorway and calls you into a conference room. "Hey babygirl, what do ya got for us?" He exclaims, shifting the call to speakerphone.
"A luscious blonde mane and an intense yearning to hold you." Emily giggles a little bit and Garcia can probably feel Hotch's glare "oh come on Derek."
"Sorry baby, keep goin'."
"I have a name. One Larry Todd. 3 weeks ago he was in a boat accident in which he had a severe concussion and was unconscious for 3 days. He immediately broke up with his girlfriend Shelby, which she was very angry about, adieu to her Facebook page. His ex-wife reported that he missed his last two visitations with his daughter Amelia." She takes a pause "he owned a bait shop that's been closed since his boat was destroyed in the accident, and it's listed as his last residency.
"Fits our profile to a tee," Emily exclaims.
"Thanks, Garcia," Hotch says, hanging up the phone call. "Emily, JJ is in the conference so run out and let her know. Morgan and Rossi, go to the bait shop with SWAT, and Reid and y/l/n go to the ex-wife's house; Emily and I will stay here and see what else we can dig up."
Everyone goes their separate ways. The sheriff takes the driver's seat, with you in the shotgun seat and Spencer in the back. You can hear the clang his leg makes against his cane and his foot bouncing.
"I'll take the daughter, and you can have the ex-wife."
"Okay," responds Spencer.
The ex-wife Miranda opens the door sobbing when you knock on it. "Excuse me, ma'am, my name is Agent y/n y/l/n and this is my partner Dr. Spencer Reid, do you mind if we ask you and your daughter a few questions about your ex-husband?"
She continues to sob but lets you in. You look back to see the sheriff playing video games on his phone and you scoff.
Spencer sits down with the crying woman and you politely ask if you can speak to her daughter. She tells you yes and that Amelia is around back.
"Bye, Reid." You blow a kiss to Spencer and walk out the door, shaking a sinister nagging feeling itching at the back of your neck.
You walk across the pavement and open the gate to enter your unsub's former backyard. "Hi Amelia, my name is y/n, I'm a friend of your mommies."
Beginning to grow more suspicious, you pull out your gun and triple-check to make sure it's on safety. If Todd is there you know that he would be fine with sacrificing his daughter for his own goals and you wouldn't let that happen "Amelia? Is your daddy here."
"Boo!" A little girl with pigtails holding a stuffed rabbit jumps from behind the recycling bin and you chuckle, putting your gun away in your holster. "Did I scare you?"
"You sure did!" You laugh. "Wow, that's such a pretty bunny, where did you get it?"
"My daddy got it for me." She said, showing off her gap tooth.
"That's so cool! Do you remember what it was like when he gave it to you?" You kneel to be at eye level with the child.
"Yeah, he was super cuddly, now he's a little more pokey, but that's okay." She says, playing with the bunny ears.
"When did he get pokey, Amelia?" You hesitated, something was off "I just want your daddy to be cuddly again."
"A little bit ago. He used to tell me stories till I fell asleep eeeeeverynight, but then he stopped for a week and when he came back he was like a big lion."
You had a growing sense of paranoia budding in your spine, why was she telling you all this so fast? "What type of stories?"
"He used to tell me princess stories, but after he stopped for a week he talked all about ones about the scary lady who tried to take me away, but then he stopped her! And the boy who was being dangerous so he had to make sure that she didn't hurt me." She exclaimed absentmindedly.
You start to pull your phone out of your pocket until Amelia starts talking again "and just now, he was talking about the bad knight who tried to take me away."
Your jaw dropped and you tried to find the best course of action, but by the time your brain started working it was too late. He walked up behind you and whispered into your ear "Nighty-night."
And then everything was black
~~~
"Hey, mommy."
"Yes, sweetheart?" She quickly wiped the tears off of her face to turn to her daughter.
"Can I have ice cream?"
"Of course sweetheart" she gives me a small smile and gets up towards the kitchen. "Where's that nice agent that came here with Dr. Reid?"
"They weren't a nice agent, they were a bad, bad, bad knight, and they were trying to take me away, so daddy took them instead."
No.
Oh no.
No no no no no no no no.
Where were they? Where was y/n?
I pulled out my gun without a second thought and left my cane behind, I ran as fast as I could without it, and by the time I was in the backyard my knee was burning and they were gone.
~~~
You woke up halfway through the drive. The road switched from smooth the bumpy a million times over, and it smelled like bees. Not like honey, not like pollen, like bees. Just bees. It smelled nice, but you don't want to die smelling bees.
You wanted to move. Move your body, move your head, move your eyes, move anything, but you couldn't move. Nothing could move. There was a sweaty tv shirt shoved between your teeth. Your hands were bound with bristled rope and there was metal all around you and you were certain that this was the back of a van. At first, you thought there must be a blindfold over your eyes, and then you realized that they were just too tired to open.
There was an old country song playing over the radio, a love song about a family in a house. The truck stopped shaking and he pulled the ignition. A growing sense of dread filled your stomach as he walked around towards the back of the truck. He opened the door and you saw his face.
That could only mean one thing- you weren't leaving here alive.
~~~
Within minutes crime scene techs were on the scene, but I knew they wouldn't find anything useful. The only thing that was there was the absence of y/n and our distraught profile.
"They were right here, right here, they were- they were right here, right here." Hotch looked at me somberly, and Morgan rubbed my shoulder with sympathy.
"We need to update our profile," Emily said, there was no time to waste, "we know what this guy does to people, and if he would risk abducting an armed federal agent in front of his daughter there's no doubt they in danger."
"We know Emily," Everyone looks at me kind of funny like I've said something wrong, but at this point, I don't care what anyone thinks of me, "His reason for doing this was for his daughter, he took out anyone he saw as a threat, a motherly figure, someone who could be her older brother, anyone who was a threat and wanted to take Amelia away from him.
"His disorder is fairly undocumented, being exactly the opposite of prosopagnosia, where patients disassociate faces from their loved ones, causes him to feel emotions about people he's never seen before, and his subconscious is assigning meaning to them at random, picking up anyone shows the slightest twinge of distaste.
"y/n picked up more than a twinge, they were there to take his daughter away, so he likely believes they're the mastermind." Everyone looks at me and waits for me to say the thing we all know is coming "he's not going to kill them before they suffer."
As we hitched a ride back to the station my leg was bouncing like crazy and my fingers were tapping the numbers of pi into the leather of the car door. Emily put her hand on my shoulder but I couldn't feel her, y/n missing was the only thing I could feel.
"Garcia I need you to check if Larry Todd owns any vehicles large enough to hold a person, trunks, vans, trucks anything," Morgan says into his speakerphone once we get back to the station.
"Oh god it's true, he really has them?" I can hear the distraught coated thick on her voice "do you think they're in pain, do you think he-"
"Garcia we don't have time for this, does he or does he not have any vehicles in his name." I snapped, I could apologize later when y/n was in a hospital bed.
"No, but you know I'm never one to go to bed early, and it turns out his great uncle died a year and a half ago, but his van was pulled over and given a speeding ticket a few months ago, how much do you wanna bet that's our guy and not a psychopath's uncle."
"Thanks, Garcia," Rossi hangs up the phone and turns to one of the sheriff's deputies in the room, "put out an ATB on that van."
"Okay, I'm gonna go through the medical files again, see if there's anything I missed," Hotch catches my arm.
"There isn't, right now all we can do is wait and look." He pauses "we've sent out patrol cars to look for the van, go out with Morgan, and circle around Lake Erie."
"Hotch, what if- what if we don't find them, or we find them and it's too late, or we find-"
"Right now she's alive, you said it yourself, he's not gonna let her die so easy."
As disturbing as it is hearing that someone you love more than anything is being tortured, I found it strangely comforting. They're alive. They are alive. They are prepared. After Tobias took me they brought me to a CIA torture seminar, just on the off chance that anything happened, I wouldn't break again.
I stared out the window of the passenger side of the SUV. Morgan wasn't talking, he knew what I was feeling, because he felt it before, when it happened to me.
"We've got a report of the vehicle going down sunmist lane" the scanner jumps to life.
I had memorized the map the second we landed; "we're five minutes away" and then, quietly under my breath, I whispered, "I'm coming y/n."
~~~
He held your head underwater for the 7th or the fiftieth time. You can't remember. You can't remember. You can't remember anything other than the water under the dock filling my lungs.
"What do you want with my daughter?!" He screamed at you as he pulled you out again, You vomited up all the water that my body could muster. You didn't know he had a daughter.
You forgot everything you learned to do. You forgot to pretend it was affecting me, You forgot how to hold my breath, You forgot. You forgot everything.
Except for Spencer, Spencer's smile, Spencer holding you, Spencer missing you until that was gone too.
Everything went away but the water.
He kicked you back off the dock again, and for a second you gasped for air, and then you sank, nothing even mattered anyways.
The man pulled you out again and kicked you in the ribs; you felt something rip inside of you and you screamed as loud as you could, which was more like a whimper.
"Larry Todd put your hands up!" Two men came behind the man who drowned you, you couldn't remember them, but you could remember the rip in your ribs filling with water.
He shoved you back into the water and you didn't even try to fight this time, you just sank, feet after feet after feet of water. You didn't hold your breath, you didn't care.
A figure appeared above you, and you saw the angel. He had a shimmering brown halo and a beautiful bright face that looked terrified, just like an angel.
And then he pulled you up.
~~~
This might be heaven, but it might be hell. You can tell the room is white without opening your eyes. There's a steady beeping sound to your left and it smells like chlorine.
When you finally manage to open your eyes you wished you hadn't. All you see is lethargy around you.
JJ is drooling in her sleep while Emily is asleep on her shoulder, Garcia is snoring in the corner with her knitting in a pile next to her. Morgan and Rossi are nowhere to be seen, but you can't blame them, seeing people they love getting beat up over and over again never gets easier. You can hear the faint sounds of Hotch arguing with someone over the phone in the hallway.
But worst of all is Spencer. He's wide awake and his foot is tapping like crazy on the ground. There are deep and dark eye bags surrounding his eyes and hints at a beard forming on his face. His cane is tossed uncharacteristically on the ground, and he pays it no attention whatever.
You open your mouth to speak, but when you do a stabbing pain shoots through your diaphragm and you gasp. The second Spencer hears you he shoots up and kneels next to the bed, which must be no easy feat.
"Hey, how are you?" He strokes your hair as gently as he can.
You try to speak but no words come out.
"Do you want some water?" You nod, trying to not feel pathetic. The second the glass of water comes into your eye line you knock it out of his hand and it goes shattering onto the floor, waking everyone else in the room up.
You start to cry, feeling guilty and scared about why a glass of water could've terrified you so much. "Hey, hey, it's okay, it's okay, it's just a bunch of sand made into something you can drink out of, it's not a big deal, don't worry." That calms you down a little bit.
You look around to see the rest of the team cradled around you. "How are you feeling honey?" Garcia whispers as if speaking too loudly would mortally wound you.
You reach up and touch your throat, and it burns. There's more confusion, and then JJ is getting her hand cut on the glass she was cleaning, Garcia was whispering too loudly and Emily was touching your arm, and Hotch and Morgan and Rossi were walking in the room and Spencer was pushing a button on your bed and the monitor was beeping and then you were screaming.
Screaming so loudly, screaming in pain, screaming in fear, screaming in confusion, screaming because you were overwhelmed and sad and scared. "Everyone gets out," Spencer says, and everyone quickly does, he knows you best, and right now, everything was too much.
"Wh-what happened" you whisper, throat and lungs still hurting but since you had screamed the worst part was over.
"The unsub kidnapped you, and tried to drown you, your heart stopped in the ambulance, but they brought you back." You remembered "You had been dunked in the water and brought back up at least 15 times, not including when I brought you out.
"You needed 53 stitches and had a punctured lung when we found you." He pauses "You're safe now, we have him in custody and he can never hurt anyone ever again." You let out a breath that you didn't know you had been holding.
"I'm so sorry," You were crying "I forgot you, I'm so sorry. He made everything go away but the water I'm sorry that I forgot you."
"It's okay, it's okay, you didn't do anything wrong, you were trying to stay alive." He stroked your hair and held your hands gently "He tortured you, when Hankel tortured me all I could think about were the drugs and the pain, you didn't do anything wrong, you survived."
"I survived?"
"Yes."
"Can I tell you something?" You chuckled, your tears had stopped but it was still wet on your face.
"Anything."
"I thought you were an angel when you saved, and now I realize that you weren't my angel, it wasn't magic, and it wasn't godly." Spencer looks puzzled, and you paused to take a deep and painful breath "It was the fact that I am so deeply in love with you, that seeing you love me back felt like heaven.
Spencer stares at you, his mouth closed and his mouth on the floor "You don't have to say anything, just know that-"
His lips are on yours before you can finish your sentence. For a moment you forget about the pain in your throat, the burn in your lungs, and the agony all over your body; it was just Spencer.
You pulled away for breath, your breaths dancing with each other.
"I was so scared" he whimpered in fear.
You stroked his hair gently "I was more terrified than I had ever been. I was so horrified that I would wake up tomorrow and my reason for living would be dead. I was more scared than I had been when I thought my dad killed a kid, I was more scared than when Hankel tortured me, I was more scared when I realized that I loved drugs more than my own life.
"You were the person that held my hand when I was hurting so bad I would forget to breathe, and then you weren't here because you were the person in pain and I realized that I loved you because nothing hurt me more than the fear that I could lose the one thing in the world that made me feel okay."
He takes a deep breath and looks at you as deeply in your eyes as you thought could ever be possible. "I love you too, and I promise you I'll never let you go."
His lips meet yours, and through a kiss, you whisper "I'll never forget you again"
And you knew that you had Spencer and everything is going to be okay.
~~
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Anti-Romantic, Part 2
(credit to the original owner of the image)
Character | Jaehyun x reader
Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff
WordCount | 2 K (bitesized for your convenience lol)
Author'sNote | I know this is kinda short, but I've decided not to rush the ending. I'm for sure not drag it out too much, but the slowburn reaaaally got to me and I ended up liking more than I orginially thought, so! I'll be back to post Part 3 tomorrow!
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4
I know that you love me, It makes me deeply drunk
You’re like champagne, I shouldn’t do this
You’re at the base of the stairs to your apartment complex when he pulls up. The window on the passenger side rolls down.
“Hurry! I think they’re about to wash the machines at the ice cream shop!” he reaches over and opens your door while you grab your two bags and your pillow. You loved him, you really did, but he had the flattest, most uncomfortable pillows in the world in his guestroom.
“What? Why didn’t you stop there before picking me up? It’s not like you don’t know what I like.” You’re trying to move all your stuff to the backseat as he pulls away.
He sighs, “Thank you Jae, you’re so nice to pick me up,” he mutters. You’d be a bit apologetic if it wasn’t for the grin he was trying to hide. “I’ve already spent most of my ‘special’ day alone, thanks to someone who had to bail on me. I wanna spend the rest with you.”
“I knew it, it bothered you didn’t it?” You accused while fastening your seatbelt. “Next time, just tell me, I know it seems as if I know everything but I actually can’t read minds.” You knew he was just messing with you but for some reason his words cut at the guilty feeling you were trying to push away. “I actually got you something this time around, it’s why I wanted to see you before the day ended.”
Jae parks the car outside the shop before turning to you, “wait, did you really get me something?” You sigh, offended, “well, if you don’t want it or don’t like the idea of it, then I can still return it.”
“I just thought of you when I saw it…” crap, it’s too soon for you to go anywhere near that subject.
“That’s not what I meant,” he shakes his head, “It’s just been a while since we shared birthday gifts.” You look away from him. If he kept this up, you’ll start to regret calling him. Your hands were slightly shaking with the effort of not reaching over and pouring all your feelings into him. Unlike what you’re used to, he was dressed down with a simple t-shirt and grey sweats. He looked so soft, and domestic. You hated how much you loved it. At least for work, you had both always been professionally dressed, which was a nice barrier for your thoughts. If you dressed professional, you felt professional. This helped control your thoughts. But now that you were here with him, it was definitely harder to keep track of your thoughts.
Today was a day for him, not for you. You took in a deep breath as you turn to look at the shop. It looked like they were getting ready to start closing duties. Even if you weren’t looking at him, you could feel your heart race with acute awareness to his proximity in the small car. He was waiting for a response.
You open your door, “yeah well…if we don’t hurry, we won’t get those diabetes-inducing bombs you’re so fond of. And this all would have been for naught.” You needed to get a grip, fast.
I can clearly see the end, Worse than a hangover
It will be hard, Now, Just end it somewhere here
“I can’t believe you told them it was my birthday,” he groaned, pushing off his shoes at the door. You followed suit.
“Of course I did, it meant free goodies!” You raise the plastic bag with macarons. “It just sucks that they’re all valentine’s themed.” You make your way to the kitchen to put away the snacks you brought, dumping your overnight bag at the door of the guestroom. Maybe if you kept the heart-shaped gift out of sight, it won’t make you as nervous with him.
“I brought your fave by the way, chocolate covered almonds and gummy bears,” you call out. He appears in the kitchen, hair out of his way with a headband. Be still my heart, you thought. You decide to hyper-focus on placing some snacks on a plate to bring to the living room.
“So, what’s the plan?” He reaches over you to grab a water bottle from the fridge, brushing your hip with his front. No no no no no no no!
Was he teasing you? You knew that your face would give you away, you could feel how warm your ears and cheeks were. You hated how honest your face was, and it didn’t help that Jae knew you like the back of his hand. Maybe this is how he is nowadays? Flirty and confident? You’d be lying if you didn’t find it attractive, but not when his attention was only directed at you. You felt like you were slowly suffocating but even that wouldn’t stop the warm light that seemed to burst from your chest.
It seemed so easy to pretend you were closer to him, to pretend this happened all the time. That you were close enough to reciprocate his flirty actions.
“uh, em,” you clear your throat, “actually, I remembered you wanting to see that movie last time we hung out. I have it ready in my apple tv account.” You back away with the tray, “can you also grab me a water?” your throat was suddenly parched.
You settle in the couch, grabbing the throw blanket behind you. Any physical barrier you could place between you, you’d take it gratefully. “You remembered? That was almost three months ago, when the trailer came out.” He handed you your water and grabbed at the corner of the blanket nearest to him, covering himself with it and moving closer to you so that you both could fit under it.
“Jae, there’s another blanket on your side of the couch,” you wanted to feel embarrassed but you just felt an unexpected giddy feeling at him wanting to be near you. “Yeah but it’s my birthday and this blanket is my favorite,” he says as he pulls you closer and wraps his arm behind you on the couch.
“here, put in your credentials so we can start the movie,” he hands you the remote.
You suddenly thank your lucky stars that the movie was an action packed one and not a romantic one. You couldn’t help but sink further into his side, wanting to be comfortable. As the movie starts, he takes the remote from your hand and wraps your arm around him. “I’m cold, keep me warm,” he mutters. Oh sweet Jesus.
Back in the day, this wouldn’t have been something new. Your friends knew you were very heavy with the affectionate touches. A hug, sharing seats, even holding hands. You never shied away from it because it was part of how you showed your friends that you loved them. Some of your friends were also this way, so it was never weird. But now that you’re older, and now that it’s been a long long time since you’ve been close to someone else, the once innocent touches Jae was giving you felt like hot brands across your shoulders and under your arm. If you focused enough, you could feel his hard work at the gym in the way your softness gave way to the hard contours of his leg that pressed against yours and how your shoulder leaned against his chest.
This was going to be a long movie.
You prayed that Jae wouldn’t ask you what the movie was about, you only had enough sanity to pay attention to the first fifteen minutes. It was all a blur after Jae pulled you half over on his lap, “you’re hogging the blanket, move over,” was the only excuse he gave.
Now, your legs were tangled with his and you sat almost on his lap, his arms encircling you from behind. He felt so soft and every little movement made your skin break out in goosebumps. You felt like a live wire about to explode.
“D-did you like it?” you started shifting to the side so you could face him but he held you tighter in place, resting his chin on your shoulder. “yeah, it was pretty good, we have to wait for the end credits though. I heard that they’re starting to give hints about The Eternals.”
“Did you like it?” he squeezes your middle.
Did you? You’re not sure, but you sure as hell loved the attention you were getting for the past two and half hours. “Yeah, all Marvel movies are great,” you finally concede.
“Wanna watch another one? You can pick this time,” his hand started tracing through your arm as you waited for the stupid end scene that was taking too long to start. Is it getting hot in here?
“Sure, whatever you want,” you mutter. He could have asked you for the most ridiculous thing and you would have still agreed to it.
Jae wakes with a start, the room was dark, the only light came from the still on TV. A show was playing softly, the clock under the tv read 3:45 am. He felt pretty hot, was the A/C not working?
He begins to shift when he realizes the position you both are in. Your legs were still tangled together, as if unconsciously refusing to let go of the proximity. You gripped his shoulder, your breath hitting his neck as you slept soundly on top of him. God, if this is a dream, let me never wake up, he thinks.
He usually hates being too close to someone, any sort of intimacy was bad news to Jaehyun. Either emotionally or physically, he kept everyone at a distance because he had seen it too often. How people settled for something they weren’t sure of and hurting those involved. He was aware he was too logical sometimes, but it’s what he knew to protect himself. Moments like these, they only lead to expectations and empty feelings, leaving behind only pain that even time couldn’t heal sometimes.
But why was he finding it so hard to untangle himself from your embrace? He should go to his bed and sleep comfortably, but at the same time, having you in his arms felt just right. Like two pieces of a puzzle finally coming together.
He could smell the light scent that was you and it almost made him squeeze you closer, as if it was possible. You smelled of spring, a light floral scent that reminded him of better days.
He was glad he woke up, he was going to enjoy every second of peace this brought him. He would store it in a little box and hold on tightly when the cold reality came back. As he fought with his drowsiness, he felt you nestle closer. He kissed the crown of your head as he finally gave in to sleep. I hope I dream of you… If this was love, he finally understood why sometimes the pain was worth a shot.
So stupid, sweet love song, extravagant rom-com
As much as I was happy, on the receipt there’s a red line
EndNote | I know this chapter was pretty short. In all honesty, I had written something else before deleting it entirely and starting again, but I really like the direction the story is going now. Hopefully I can update Part 3 tomorrow, but I'm really excited about it!
Previous: Part 1 | Next: Part 3
#anti romantic#jaehyun fic#jaehyun fluff#nct#nct 127#kpopfanfic#nct x reader#jaehyun x reader#nct fluff#nct jaehyun#jaehyun scenarios#kpopfluff#nct u#nct 2020#nct imagines#nct 127 jaehyun#office au#fic#stream#txt#anti-romantic!!#will this be a 5 part series?#slowburn series
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Prompts
1. "Hi, my ex just walked in. Would you hold my hand please?"
2. "I didn't expect to see you here."
3. "Have you seen this dog?"
4. “That mouth of yours, does it ever stop making noise”
5. “Seven minutes in heaven is for virgin teenagers”
6. “Slam that door one more time and I’ll shove my foot straight up your cute ass”
7. “Jesus! Knock next time would you”
8. “You have money go and get yourself a hoodie that’s not mine”
9. "I hate roses, I thought you knew"
10. "Do you think I am an angel? Ha"
11. "I wanted to sleep but someone decided to die"
12. "I can kill you right now, what are you talking about?"
13. "Hi, I am lost, can you come after me?"
14. "When I first saw you I wanted to date your best friend"
15. "I am so funny and you are just jealous"
16. "If I have to choose... no"
17. "Stop breathing like that!"
18. "I just did my nails"
19. "I'm the best driver în the world"
20. "Will you marry me?" "No"
21. "I think I broke my arm" "So?"
22. "I think I love you" "Thanks"
23. "My arms are lonely, don't you think?"
24. "Apparently we are dating"
25. “Well it’s kind of hard to move when you’re sitting on my lap”
26. "Those things you said yesterday, did you mean them?"
27. "If we elope, you think they'll kill us?"
28. "This is yours"
29. "You can’t just kiss me, laugh and then walk away."
30. "Are you using ass as a pillow?"
31." I find your lack of faith disturbing."
32. "And I took it personally"
33. "In here I am the boss"
34. "Oh, bite me!" "Where?"
35. "What will you do if we break up?"
36. "Where is my T-shit?"
37. "This is no time for sarcastic comments." "There is always time for sarcastic comments."
38. "I’ll keep quiet, you won’t even know I’m here."
39. "The way you flirt is just awful"
40. "Don’t be fooled. I’m the epitome of mess."
41. " If you are on TV should I congratulate you?"
42. "And this, is why we can’t have nice things."
43. "That's what he said"
44. "I am scared of your boss"
45. "You should know, a lot of girls have a crush on me"
46. "Everyone is afraid of you"
47. "If I'm watching that movie one more time I'll lose my fucking mind!"
48. "I thought being on vacation will be stress free"
49. "My parents don't trust you"
50. "I don't think I should give my last name so easily"
51. “I really wish I could unsee that.”
52. “Who would’ve guessed we’d be sharing a room.”
53. “I feel like you have an unhealthy obsession with me.”
54. “Nah he’s fine, it’s the other one you really got to watch out for.”
55. “I have a suggestion.” “I’m not taking my clothes off so forget it.”
56. “You’re the genius, why don’t you tell me?”
57. “Have I ever told you your accent makes me swoon?” “Really?” “No.” He/she smiles. “ that’s why I’ve never told you.”
58. “I’m alive? How am I still alive?”
59. “You’re crazy! I love it!”
60. “Never have I ever is about to get a lot more interesting.”
61. “What did they do?” “Dude. They did the do.”
62. "You can’t keep pretending it didn’t happen, cause guess what? It did!"
63. "Well this is awkward."
64. "Im too sober for this."
65. "Im pregnant." "Wall done, Virgin Mary!"
66. " I want to protect you."
67. "Kill that spider and maybe I'll forgive you"
68. "I have no one to go to the wedding"
69. "Don’t you dare touch _______!"
70. "I thought you were dead!"
71. "This is, without a doubt, the stupidest plan you’ve ever had. Of course I’m in."
72. "Take care of you, please"
73. "If your best friend single?"
74. "Just remember, if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English."
75. "Why does everyone assume we're a couple?"
76. "Im craving something sweet" "Are you pregnant or something?"
77. " What is the magic word?" "I'll kill you în your sleep"
78. "When I see you my knees get weak"
79. "Finally you're single. Can I take you on a date?"
80. " So, I guess you don’t do after hours?"
81. "I know what I'm doing, I've watched two whole seasons of Grey's Anatomy."
82. "I can't believe I'm stuck here with you right now."
83. "Okay, this did not go as I planned it in the shower."
84. "I'm not going to sit around and watch you destroy yourself."
85. "You were my best friend"
86. "You did what?"
87. "Can you just pretend to love me for a second!"
88. "You are enough"
89. "Take the shirt off"
90. "Your nickname is bitch"
91. "What do you want to watch?" "You"
92. "How could you ask me that?"
93. "Your mouth does this thing and I can't resist it"
94. "Are you allowed to drink?"
95. "I said Im done, leave me alone!"
96. "Don’t raise your fucking voice at me”
97. “Yeah, I remember the drill”
98. “Tell me again, slowly this time, why that dog is in my bed.”
99. “Gave you so much, but it wasn’t enough.”
100. “You and me, we were destined to fall apart.”
101. “No, you don’t know who you are until somebody breaks your heart.”
102. “I want to tell you everything. The words I never got to say the first time around.”
103. “It’s better to feel pain, than nothing at all.”
Song lyrics prompts
1. “It’s the little things about us, that I love so much.”
2. “Last night I told you I loved you // woke up blamed it on the vodka”
3. “It’s a better place since you came along”
4. “You make me love the things I hate “
5. Just a paper sheet and half a cigarette are left in my hand
6. Your faith walks on broken glass
7. "And can you teach me how to dance real slow?"
8. "I'll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe"
9. "One night, you won't forget the rest of your life"
10. "We only said goodbye with words"
11. "I'll try to give you love until the day you drop"
12. "I like the pretty boys with the bow tie"
13. "Lets get drunk forget what we did"
14. Your kisses lift me higher
15. When you're ready we can share the wine
16. "And if you don't love me now you will never love me again"
17. "Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?"
18. "When there's nothing to lose and there's nothing to prove"
19. She's the kind of girl who only asks you over when its raining, just to make you lie there catching water dripping from the ceiling.
20. Now I understand, you're a human, and you got to lie, you're a man
21. The good and the bad times: we've been through them all.
22. Now I ain't educated but I sure ain't stupid
23. I grew up in the shoes they told me I could fill
24. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
25. A lover would just complicate my plans
26. And in the morning, i’ll be with you, but it will be a different kind
27. My heart is yours, it’s you that i hold on to
28. And with one kiss, you inspired a fire of devotion that lasts for twenty years
29. I let go of my claim on you, it’s a free world
30. I’m in my bed, and you’re not here and there’s no one to blame, but the drink in my wandering hands
31. Cause you gave me peace and i wasted it, I’m here to admit that you were my medicine
32. Oh, dear diary, i met a boy, he made my doll heart light up with joy. Oh, dear diary, we fell apart, welcome to the life of electra heart
33. For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind
34. Is it really me you're missing?
35. Remember that night?
36. How many times can I break till I shatter?
37. As long as I breathe, I’ll call you my home
38. "You wouldn't know love if it crushed your fucking chest."
39. "When we scream our lips don't make a sound."
40. "Please don't let me sink, wrap your arms around me and carry me home."
41. "This hasn't torn us apart so nothing ever will."
42. "A long time ago we believed that we were united."
43. "I miss the person that you were but I don't miss you."
44. "If home is where the heart is, why do I feel so fucking heartless?"
45. "I can't live, I can't breathe with or without you just go away."
46. "I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid I'll survive and have to watch you suffer."
47. "I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away."
48. "I'm not like you I just fuck up."
49. "All because of you I believe in angels, not the kind with wings, no not the kind with halos. The kind that bring you home when home becomes a strange place."
50. "I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again."
51. “I wish people liked me more.”
52. “How could I ever love someone else?”
53. “I guess you’re getting everything you want.”
54. “She probably gives you butterflies.”
55. “I hope that you’re okay.”
56. “I defended you to all my friends.”
57. “I never cared about what they say, only care about me and you”
58. “Either way i’m gonna lose, so i’m just gonna keep on loving you”
59. “You know i’m bad at communication, it’s the hardest thing for me to do”
60. “Iwas your lover, i was your friend, now I’m only just someone you call when it’s late enough to forget”
61. “It’s fucked up but it’s true that i love you like i do”
62. “Well we both had nights waking up in strangers beds but i don’t wanna, don't wanna, i don’t wanna give up yet”
63. “Tell me I’ve got it wrong somehow.”
64. “I’m begging for you to take my hand.”
65. “I can’t make it go away by making you the villain.”
66. “He feels like home.”
67. “I’d be breaking all my rules to see you.”
68. “But I know you’re not scared of anything at all.”
69. “When can I come back?”
70. “I’m ready to owe you anything”
71. “I’ll always look best in your head”
72. “I know you know it’s wrong, but I’m ready”
73. “All I ever want is breaking me apart.”
74. “Let's talk sweetly like all our love is false.”
75. “You put a fire in my heart, painted blood on my stars, gave me faith.”
76. “I wanna meet your girlfriend, she sounds nice.”
77. “How is kissing me so wrong?“
78. “Can’t you see that I’m already yours?”
79. “I’ve been losing track of the romantic sh*t I’m tryna say but basically I love you"
80. “I don’t wanna be your friend, I wanna kiss your lips, I wanna kiss you until I lose my breath”
81. “I apologize for all your tears, I wish I could be different but I’m still growing up into the one you can call your love”
82. “I’m out of my head, of my heart, of my mind cause you can run but you can’t hide, I’m gonna make you mine”
83. "I never loved someone the way that I love you"
84. "It's the way that you know what I thought I knew, it's the beat that my heart skips when I'm with you"
85. "I hope she gettin' better sex, hope she ain't fakin' it like I did, babe"
86. “I know we’re young and people change and we may never feel the same”
87. “I can’t change the world, but maybe I’ll change your mind”
88. "You don't own me. Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay."
89. "Leave everything that is worth a single cent and just take me instead."
90. "And then I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet, just so you can take advantage of me."
91. "Hey, I can't let you go with nobody. Cause I love you, baby."
92. "Tell me that it wasn't my fault and that I was enough for you."
93. "We were good at faking forever, I get it, whatever."
94. "Cause you had your chance and you blew it. Yeah, you ripped it up and you chewed it."
95. "Well, I'm too busy for your business. Go find a girl who wants to listen."
96. "Stop looking at me with those eyes, like I could disappear and you wouldn't care why."
97. "Oh, we could do whatever you want, but boy, don't go falling in love, you can't stay with me, all you'll ever have is one day with me"
98. "I pray the medication slow me down, but that shit doesn't work when you're around"
99. "Told her that I loved her once and now she'd kill for me"
100. "What the tell were we? Tell me we weren't just friends"
Who I write for
Formula 1
Daniel Ricciardo
Lewis Hamilton
Max Verstappen
Charles Leclerc
Esteban Ocon
Carlos Sainz
Lando Norris
Lance Stroll
Sebastian Vettel
Mick Schumacher
Pierre Gasly
George Russel
Football
Erling Haaland
Jadon Sancho
Giovanni Reyna
Jude Bellingham
Julian Brandt
Marco Reus
Roman Bürki
Emre Can
Mats Hummels
Leon Goretzka
Joshua Kimmich
Kai Havertz
Mason Mount
Christian Pulisici
Ben Chilwell
Gerard Pique
João Félix
Ianis Hagi
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain
Trent Alexander-Arnold
Virgil van Dijk
Jens Petter Hauge
Martin Ødegaard
Alexander Sørloth
#f1 imagine#f1 x reader#imagine#fanfiction#formula 1#football#my prompts#soccer#erling haaland#daniel ricciardo#max verstappen#charles leclerc#carlos sainz jr#lando norris#lance stroll#lewis hamilton#premier league#bundesliga#grand prix
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Leave It In The Sun: Chapter One
(a Disco Elysium fanfic)
Warnings: Full game spoilers, eventual spicy scenes, basically the level of adult content in the game itself.
General summary: A slow(ish) burn exploration of life at Precinct 41 after Harry and Kim wrap up the case and Kim makes the move to Jamrock. Mainly just about how Harry and Kim's relationship might develop, and a sort of character study of some of the employees of Precinct 41 in general.
------------
Chapter one summary: Two difficult weeks after leaving Martinaise, Harry finally reaches out to Kim.
Chapter length: Approx. 4.3k words
The sun is only just setting over the streets of Jamrock, drenched in rain and neon. The city stops to catch its breath in the intermission between day and night.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT: And so do you. You could’ve sworn the nearest payphone was, y’know, nearer than this. Maybe that bone-shattering gunshot wound also isn’t quite as far along in the healing process as you thought either.
PAIN THRESHOLD: Brilliant claws of pain rake down your thigh as you lean against the payphone and try to center yourself.
You glance at the phone resting in its cradle, with some trepidation. Phone calls are always a bit… difficult for you. Especially these days.
SUGGESTION: You can still change your mind.
VOLITION: No. You came here for a reason.
SUGGESTION: Or… you could always just call her instead.
VOLITION: *Focus.*
You take a deep breath. The late spring air is turning chilly in the slowly setting sun. The rain drizzles lazily as it has all day, showing no sign of stopping. A handful of people are still--or already--out wandering downtown Jamrock, laughing and talking and hurrying home and running errands and entirely focused on just about anything in the world *besides* a washed up middle-aged man having a minor anxiety attack and moderate-to-severe hip pain next to a public phone at 6:04pm in the rain.
INLAND EMPIRE: The loneliness knocks the wind out of you. You thought you were used to it by now. It’s worse outside, around people.
DRAMA: The threadbare costume you created for yourself in the privacy of your dark, trash-strewn apartment doesn’t seem quite as convincing with an audience.
VOLITION: Stop the goddamn pity party and pick up the phone already.
The receiver is light in your hand as you fumble for change and the crumpled slip of paper you’ve had in your jeans pocket for the last two weeks or so. You slowly, deliberately dial the phone number written on it, as if some part of you is afraid that your fingers might just automatically fall into the patterns of *her* number instead.
VOLITION: They might. But you’re done hurting yourself.
CONCEPTUALIZATION: Well, maybe not entirely. Yet. But you’re done hurting yourself *with her* for sure.
INLAND EMPIRE: You still feel like you deserve that pain. But it’s wrong to keep using her as the knife you gut yourself with. She deserves better, even if you might not.
LOGIC: In any case, this isn’t about her. It’s about you, and it’s about--
“Hello?” Kim’s voice is muffled and tinny through the old, worn copper wiring. He sounds tired, but you guess that’s not particularly surprising. You’ve been pretty damn tired too.
“Kim, hey, it’s uh, it’s me,” you reply awkwardly.
“Harry? Do you need something?”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: This is the first time you’ve called him since leaving Martinaise, despite carrying that little piece of paper around for the last two weeks. He’s thinking, why now?
“Yeah, no, I just happened to be downtown this evening,” you ramble, “and I thought--”
“You’re drunk,” he says. It is completely without judgment. A stated fact. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and Harry Du Bois is drunk. “Where are you exactly? I’ll--”
“Wait, no!” you exclaim, a little too loudly. A nearby pigeon makes a mad dash in the opposite direction at the sound. “That’s not it! I swear I’m basically sober right now. Mostly.”
A long pause on the other end. “Alright,” he says plainly. “So what can I do for you?”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: Make no mistake, he’s picking his battles here and gingerly stepping *around* that “mostly.”
EMPATHY: He’s just relieved it’s even that much.
COMPOSURE: How embarrassing.
VOLITION: Just start over. Your first sentence was garbage, but you know you’re under no obligation to continue it, right?
You take a deep breath, then try again.
“Well, it’s really more about what *I* can do for *you*,” you say as smoothly as possible. “You know that big motor carriage exhibition in town? It just so happens I’ve got *two tickets* to it.”
Another long pause. “You mean the one that ends today?”
“Yes,” you confirm.
“And are you aware that it is currently around six o’clock in the evening?”
“Is it? I mean, yes. Yes it is,” you say confidently. “I am aware of the passage of time.”
“And you waited until now to do this?” he asks.
EMPATHY: He sounds more amused than annoyed, though you definitely detect a bit of both.
“Uh,” you falter. “Look, it’s open until 8:00, so do you want to fucking go or not?”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: About half a kilometer away, Lieutenant Kim Kitsuragi is sitting in the kitchen of his new apartment, already in his pajamas and winding down for the evening. It’s a bit early for that, but he figures he should take the opportunity to rest before he tackles that mountain of backlogged cases he was promised upon making the move to precinct 41.
Two weeks ago, he said goodbye to the strangest man he’d ever met. A man he found himself inexplicably drawn to in the week they spent together, and whom he thought about every day since. Wondering if he would take the lifeline Kim tried to throw to him, or if that little slip of paper would just end up forgotten at the bottom of a vomit-soaked trash can in some shitty bar. Wondering if the dawning trauma of everything that happened in Martinaise and the restlessness from sitting at home recovering from its aftermath would combine to pull him down into a dark place beyond Kim’s reach for good. Wondering and wondering to fill the silence. And now finally the silence is broken, but whatever this cry for help is, it is not the one Kim ever expected to receive.
But he knows one thing for sure: it *is* a cry for help.
“Alright,” Kim says finally. He takes a sharp breath. “Sounds good.”
The walk to his apartment takes a bit longer than you expected. It’s not that far from the downtown payphone, but you still wasted a good 20 minutes on the journey.
ENDURANCE: You are expecting too much of yourself too soon.
INLAND EMPIRE: It’s always one or the other with you, isn’t it? Too much or not enough.
PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT: Twenty minutes to walk a few blocks? Fucking pathetic. What kind of cop are you? Hell, what kind of *gym teacher* are you? Man up.
ENDURANCE: No. It’s a miracle that you’re still standing at all.
PERCEPTION: Beyond the apartment door, you can hear footsteps and soft humming.
You knock, and the door opens almost immediately.
CONCEPTUALIZATION: Shit. You were hoping you’d have a few spare seconds to think of something really cool to say.
REACTION SPEED: C’mon, say something fun and upbeat to prove you’re not a depressed sack of shit who’s been spending the past two weeks drinking alone in the dark.
DRAMA: Showtime!
“Howdy, pardner,” you hear yourself say.
SAVOIR FAIRE: Finger guns! For god’s sake, don’t forget the finger guns. Without them, you just look like a goddamn lunatic.
You do the finger guns.
Kim does not seem particularly impressed as he slowly looks from your outstretched gun fingers to the twisted grimace that now wracks your face.
“Please, holster those things before coming inside,” he says humorlessly.
You blow the pretend, metaphorical smoke from each of your hot weapons before stuffing your hands in your pockets. As you do this, he watches with an appraising look.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He’s wondering if this is *regular* weird or *drunken breakdown* weird. However, he is intimately familiar with your brand of stupid bullshit at this point and it doesn’t take long for him to place it in the former category.
“We should hit the road soon,” you comment as you peek curiously into his apartment.
“Hit the road,” Kim repeats with mild amusement, “in what?”
LOGIC: Oh. Right. The Kineema is property of Precinct 57. Not Kim Kitsuragi personally.
“Shit, yeah,” you concede. “But hey, if we call a taxi now--”
LOGIC: You’ll arrive just in time to immediately turn around and go home.
HALF LIGHT: You fucked up. You’re a fuck-up. Great job, idiot.
VOLITION: Try not drinking and blacking out all day next time.
LOGIC: Yes, but then…
“Fuck,” you inhale. “Fuckady-fuck-fuck. Shit. Goddammit.”
Kim waits patiently for you to catch up. You’re almost there.
“I should’ve called earlier, sorry,” you apologize. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
LOGIC: What is wrong with you is that you drank all last night, slept off a hangover most of the day today, and woke up in a daze about 45 minutes ago. But what’s done is done. No point in bringing that up now, right?
“Nor do I,” says the lieutenant with a small smile. “But whatever it is, I am no longer surprised by it, I assure you.”
“Sorry. I’m sorry,” you repeat, leaning on the door frame pathetically, a congealed ooze of mental illness and embarrassment. “Sorry for bothering you in the first place. You’re always so nice to me, even when I’m a pain in the ass.”
CONCEPTUALIZATION: Which is to say *constantly.*
Kim says nothing. Just sighs almost imperceptibly.
EMPATHY: Your self deprecation is frustrating for him, and he does not know how to respond to it constructively and compassionately.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He *does* think you’re a pain in the ass sometimes, but a pain worth dealing with.
INLAND EMPIRE: For reasons beyond your understanding.
“Why did you agree to go in the first place?” you sigh. “You’ve got a brain that actually works, you knew it wasn’t gonna happen. If you’re trying to make fun of me, then, well…”
You pause.
“That’s just fine, I guess. Good job, carry on.”
He adjusts his glasses and looks away. “I appreciated the intention,” he says finally, in a measured voice. “And since I hadn’t heard from you the past couple weeks…”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: ...He was afraid you wouldn’t bother trying again.
“Sorry,” you mumble. “I’ve been kind of busy. You know how it goes after cases like that.”
“I do,” he says. He hesitates for a moment, then adds, “you’re welcome to come in if you like.”
You hobble into Kim’s sparse kitchen and collapse on a dining room chair. It creaks ominously under the velocity of the assault.
“I’m glad we have an opportunity to catch up,” he says politely, pulling up the other chair and gazing at your pained expression from across the table. “Your injury is healing well, I assume?”
EMPATHY: It is obvious that he does not in fact assume this at all.
You shrug, still trying to get a hold of yourself and push back the ache swirling at the edges of your mind.
He watches you struggle for a moment, then gently says, “it will take time to heal, but it *will* heal.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: *So please be patient and kind to yourself,* is the silent plea left unsaid. It hangs in the air pitifully. You both know it’s there.
“Time hasn’t exactly been a good salve for me in general,” you mumble.
He’s silent for a while. Opens his mouth to speak, then closes it again.
“Harry,” he says finally. “What happened in Martinaise is not your burden to carry alone.”
“I thought you didn’t like *personal issues*, lieutenant,” you say.
“I don’t,” he says with a frown, “but this…”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: This is about me too, he thinks. As much as he hates to admit it. He doesn’t particularly like his *own* personal issues either. But the past two weeks were hard for him, and you didn’t make them any easier.
EMPATHY: He was worried about you, and--although he will never admit it to himself, let alone you--there’s a part of him that selfishly hoped you were worried about him too. At least a little.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He’s used to this line of work, and so are you despite the holes in your memory, but it never gets any easier to deal with some things.
EMPATHY: There was so much death that day. It haunts you. And now as you sit in Kim’s kitchen, the alcohol slowly filtering from your blood and leaving behind the dregs of a headache, you realize it still haunts him too. You both added perforations you never wanted to make.
ENDURANCE: It’s too much. Your head swims and your entire body aches in the throes of repressed grief fighting its way to the surface of a sea of quickly evaporating Commodore Red.
INLAND EMPIRE: Warning! Trauma containment center has been breached! Evacuate the area immediately!
HALF LIGHT: You’re going to cry, aren’t you? You’re going to fucking cry. Right here in his kitchen. Why can’t you keep your shit together for more than five minutes straight?
You are entirely unable to keep the tears from rolling silently down your cheeks, unbidden.
INLAND EMPIRE: You don’t have it in you to really cry properly, like a normal fucking person. Not anymore. Something has disconnected the wire from your “press here to begin sobbing during your emotional breakdown” button, and you’re not sure what or when.
ENDURANCE: But human beings *cry.* And despite everything inside you that’s broken and rotting, you *are* a human being. You can’t not be.
Kim’s standing next to you now, his hand resting comfortingly on your shoulder. He doesn’t say anything.
EMPATHY: That’s the point of this whole shoulder-touching business in the first place--your disconcertingly unhinged behavior has left him at a loss for words, yet compelled to offer *something.*
This goes on for the longest five minutes or so the world has ever seen. But finally, you’ve wrung it all out of yourself and the tears stop almost as abruptly as they began. His hand gives your shoulder a squeeze, then he sits back down in the chair opposite you, avoiding your eyes. He rummages in his pocket for something, then hands you a blue handkerchief.
“Where the hell do you keep all these?” you mumble as you reach for it. “Fuckin’... infinite handkerchiefs around here.”
“What can I say? I like to be prepared,” he says.
“For drunk idiots who throw up all over crime scenes and have mental breakdowns in your home?”
“Usually to clean my glasses,” he says flatly. “But at this point, I suppose it *is* fair to say that it’s also for your various crises as well.”
“Well, thank God one of us is prepared,” you say. “What would I do without you, Kim?”
He hesitates, a strange wistful expression tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t know. What *did* you do the past two weeks?”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: As soon as the words leave his mouth, he regrets them.
“Sorry, I shouldn’t… That’s none of my concern,” he says quickly.
AUTHORITY: Who the hell does he think he is? You’re not a child who needs to be minded. You’re a grown-ass man who can sit alone in his apartment and get wasted if he fucking wants to. Assert yourself!
“Honestly? Drink, mostly,” you say with a self-conscious chuckle.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He just stares at you with the bleakest expression you’ve ever seen cross his face.
EMPATHY: He’s so tired. So frustrated. So disappointed.
INLAND EMPIRE: Oh God! He’s *disappointed* in you? This is terrible. Anything but that, please!
“I thought I was doing better,” you say quietly. “Guess not.”
“You were,” Kim says kindly.
INLAND EMPIRE: Tequila Sunset hasn’t happened yet. Maybe it still will. Maybe it’s inevitable. Maybe when you took up that mantle, it was like some sort of alcoholic event horizon. Tequila Sunset is the only way it was ever going to end. What other force in the universe could begin to exert as much gravitational pull over you?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: From the void we came, to the void we must return.
“Listen,” Kim tells you, “this is not surprising. It’s got to be harder now that you’re back in Jamrock.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: It’s *easy,* baby. All your old favorite haunts are here. You know all the cheapest bars, the sketchiest parts of town with the purest amphetamines… You can’t remember the names of half of them anymore, but the muscles in your legs can trace the steps there perfectly. That shit’s burned into your body forever.
“Yeah.” You swallow hard. “Anyway, what about you? How’s Jamrock treating you?”
EMPATHY: The darkness clouding his expression lightens a bit.
“Good so far,” he says. “I’ve actually only been here for a few days. G.R.I.H. wrap-up took longer than I expected.” He pauses and looks out the window. “But I’m glad to be here now.”
“Really,” you say with a laugh. “In this shithole?”
“It has its perks,” he says. “I’m looking forward to beginning work at Precinct 41.”
“You’re not working solo, are you?”
“For right now, yes I am,” he replies. “I’m fine with that. I’ve done it before.”
INLAND EMPIRE: The idea of sharing a workplace with him and yet not being at his side when he needs you… it makes you feel cold, lonely, somehow.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: You have a duty to Jean. Jean is your partner.
SUGGESTION: Fuck it, just say it. You know what you want to say. Say it and get it over with.
“You should work with me,” you blurt out. “We were such a good team in Martinaise. We could keep those good times rolling!”
“I’m flattered, but,” he says, turning his head. “Satellite-Officer Vicquemare…”
“Doesn’t give a shit about me,” you say. “Fuck him.”
EMPATHY: That’s not exactly true. You know it’s not.
INLAND EMPIRE: But the truth is complicated. It’s easier to just boil it down to *fuck that guy.*
LOGIC: Jean is bad for you, and you’re bad for him. Or, you used to be. And has anything really changed? Are you really any different? Maybe it was just the change of scenery that fooled you into thinking otherwise.
INLAND EMPIRE: Same old Jamrock. Same old coworkers. Same old bad habits. Same old *you.*
“I’m not so sure about that,” Kim says delicately.
“Forget about him,” you push, suddenly more serious about this than you intended to be. “I can arrange this shit with Captain Pryce, and I can deal with Jean.”
“I… uh,” he coughs. “I don’t know what to say.”
DRAMA: You’re in control of this show now. Pull an honest answer out of him.
You point at him and narrow your eyes. “I know what you should say: what you *feel* in your *heart*!” You pound one fist against your chest over your heart to drive home the point, then wince.
PAIN THRESHOLD: Please don’t do that.
You break the dramatic pose and lean back in your chair again with a shrug. “Or just tell me to fuck off. None of this wishy-washy noncommittal shit, though.”
He’s silent for a long time, watching and listening to the rain as it picks up outside. Then finally he gives you an apologetic smile and speaks.
“Harry,” he says kindly. “Fuck off.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: Translation: maybe. But not now.
EMPATHY: He’s not angry, he’s deflecting. This is by far the nicest way you’ve ever been told to fuck off. Don’t take it too hard.
“Alright, alright,” you say. “Forget I said anything.”
You spend a while just making smalltalk at Kim’s kitchen table. None of it means anything, but it’s nice. It’s a nice, good, human thing to do, sitting and chatting with him. Makes your “regular well-adjusted person” costume fit a little better. The rain begins to let up a little in the fading sunset.
“You know, we could do something else if you like,” he says brightly. “Here in Jamrock, I mean.”
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: Yeah. Lots of stuff to do in Jamrock. Like speed and hard liquor. Or crying in the bathroom of a dive bar because you’re too fucked up on speed and liquor.
SUGGESTION: He probably wouldn’t go for that.
CONCEPTUALIZATION: There’s got to be somewhere else to go. Something else to do with him. Think. What do you want to do with him?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: Oh buddy, are you sure you’re ready to open that can of worms?
The lieutenant watches you as you rub your temples in an effort to massage the awkward thoughts out of your terrible brain. Then he says, “you know what, don’t worry about it. It’s fine, we can just stay here.”
“Yeah, okay,” you say. “Sounds good.”
“I’m going out on the balcony for a cigarette,” he informs you. “You can--”
“I’ll come with you,” you interrupt.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: He pauses, wondering how many you might’ve had already. Then again cigarettes are, shockingly, by far the *least* detrimental of your *many* vices.
The two of you step out onto the lieutenant’s rather small balcony. It’s still raining very lightly, but this is probably as good as the weather is going to get tonight. Good enough. There’s really not quite enough space for two adult men to comfortably lounge around out here, though. You try to make yourself as small as possible as you fumble in your pockets for a cigarette and lighter.
PERCEPTION: You hear the soft click of a lighter and smell smoke on the gentle evening breeze drifting over from your left.
“Fuck,” you grumble. “I forgot my light--”
You realize Kim is holding out his own lighter wordlessly, still gazing out at the city sprawling out below.
“Thanks,” you say.
He nods. He pockets the lighter again once you’re done with it, then leans on the railing and exhales smoke with a sigh.
ESPRIT DE CORPS: Outwardly, he is silent and pensive. He almost seems anxious in a way. But in truth, he likes this. He’s enjoying standing out here in the rain and the dark and smoking his nightly cigarette by your side once more, just like that first night in Martinaise.
You rest your arms on the railing as well and try to map his sightline. Your arm presses against his in the cramped space, but he does not react.
“Pretty bitchin’ view here,” you comment. “Comparatively.”
“Mhm,” hums the lieutenant. “By Jamrock standards, quite bitchin’.”
PERCEPTION: His hand dangles loosely over the edge of the railing. It’s a bit smaller than yours and much thinner, bonier. Sharp and angled like a marble sculpture.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY: A work of art. Just like the rest of him.
SUGGESTION: Wonder what that hand would feel like in yours…?
“Everything alright, detective?” Kim asks, smoke escaping from his lips as he speaks. You realize that you’ve been staring at his hand for longer than is generally considered acceptable by polite society.
“Just spacing out a little I guess,” you mumble, averting your gaze.
“Par for the course with you,” the lieutenant chuckles.
VOLITION: Don’t make this too weird. Don’t think about that cigarette dangling loosely from his beautiful hands, or how soft his lips must be, or how nice it would be to just give up all pretense and embarrass yourself and hug him tightly right here on the balcony. Whatever you do, don’t think of any of those things.
CONCEPTUALIZATION: Shit.
“Well, it’s getting late,” you say, stubbing out your half-finished cigarette in the nearby ashtray. “I should probably go.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right. We’ve got work in the morning after all.”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: You do?
VOLITION: Just play it cool.
“Yes,” you say, nodding stoically. “Tomorrow is Monday. I am aware of this, and that is why I said that in the first place, and not for any other reason.”
SAVOIR FAIRE: Nailed it.
“Tomorrow is Tuesday,” Kim says flatly, his face expressionless.
“I know that!” you say defensively. “I was just testing you. Come on, Kim, you don’t think I’m really that stupid, do you?”
He starts to say something, then thinks better of it and instead takes a long drag of his cigarette before trying again. “No, detective. I don’t think that.” Then he puts it out on the bottom of his boot and drops it in the ashtray.
The two of you head back into the apartment as the rain starts up again. You pull on your tarpaulin cloak in preparation for the long walk back home. But as you reach the front door, the lieutenant stops you.
“You know, you could just stay here if that would be easier,” he says abruptly, looking tense. “It’s late, and it’s raining, and…”
ESPRIT DE CORPS: ...And the route from here to your home features at least a dozen bars along the way.
EMPATHY: He’s worried you might not be able to resist the siren song of their garish neon signs and blaring dance music spilling out onto the streets like a red carpet unfurling.
“And your injury,” he adds quickly. “It was causing you some pain earlier, wasn’t it?”
HALF LIGHT: You don’t need his *pity.*
INLAND EMPIRE: Maybe you *do.* He knows you too well already.
EMPATHY: And, for whatever reason, cares about you a little too much. A terrible decision on his part, really.
“Yeah, good point. Plus your place is closer anyway,” you reply. “Thanks. Sorry to impose.”
He gives you a little nod. “It’s no trouble at all.”
Soon, you’re settled in on Kim’s couch under a small pile of blankets that still smell like artificial flowers, cloying and too sweet, freshly laundered.
He says good night and disappears into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him. It’s strange somehow, lying here in his living room alone in the dark. Like you’re somewhere you shouldn’t be. Like sneaking into a museum after it closes.
PERCEPTION: In the hazy twilight of impending sleep, you notice a calendar on the wall across from you. You can just barely make it out in the dim light, and you realize something.
“Son of a bitch,” you shout, “tomorrow *is* Monday!”
Just before you retreat into the blanket nest you could swear you hear a muffled apology from the next room.
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Mother’s Day
Summary: Amelia celebrates her first mothers day as a mother!
A.N. Happy mothers day to all the amazing mothers out there! I love my mama so much and I will forever be grateful to her. Hope you guys all enjoy this!
Word Count: 4,441
Masterlist
I rolled over as I tried to make myself more comfortable, I blindly reached out for Auston only to pout when I found his side of the bed empty. I huffed as I rolled onto my back looking at the ceiling. It was mothers day, my first as a mother seeing as the twins were born just a few weeks ago. I was hoping that when I woke up Auston would still be in bed with me but sadly he seemed to have disappeared.
I heard some loud commotion coming from downstairs before silence. I reached out to check my phone for the time and any messages. 9:45. I clicked my phone open so I could read the messages I had, two from Auston and one from Steph.
Steph:
Happy Mothers Day <3
AM💕
Stay in bed if you wake up.
I responded to Steph first and then drafted up a message to Auston.
am💛
Where are my babies?
AM💕
With me I’ll bring them up.
Not even three minutes later Auston was walking into the room holding Kai and a tray of food, Ema following in behind with Noah. I grinned as I took in the sight before me.
“Oh, you didn’t have to do all of this,” I mumbled happily as I reached out for the Turkey bacon that was just set in front of me.
“Oh shush happy mothers day,” Ema said as she handed Noah to me. I smiled as I took my son from her.
“Happy mothers day to you too,” I responded without looking away from Noah.
“Auston did all the cooking anyway I just supervised,” she reassured me as she pat Auston on the back. He nodded as he looked down at me with a happy smile.
“Well thank you. Did you want any Ema?” I asked pointing down to my food. She gave me a fond look as she shook her head.
“I already ate. I am going to get ready for the day. Bre and Alex should be done with the shower now. I gave her a soft smile before she made her way out of the room. Auston and I had invited his whole family to spend some time with us for mothers day. Ema had been here since the birth of the babies and had been the biggest help we could have asked for.
“You have her present ready right?” I asked Auston as I turned to face where he had sat himself on the bed next to me. He leaned over and grabbed the envelope from his bedside table.
“Yep spa for two ready to go,” he grinned as he shook it. We had decided to get her and Brian tickets for a spa day and then we had booked her favorite restaurant in Toronto for dinner.
“Okay good,” I leaned into his side and rested my head on his shoulder.
“Happy mothers day baby,” Auston whispered as he angled his face to me and placed a kiss on my forehead. I smiled as I looked down at our two beautiful babies in our arms.
“I can’t believe I’m really a mom,” I mumbled into the silence. Auston threw his arm around me and pulled me in closer.
“You better believe it because they are here,” he teased as he reached out to tickle Noah’s foot. He gave a little kick at Auston’s hand causing me to let out a laugh. I reached forward to take a bite of the toast on the plate.
“Mmm this is so good,” I moaned as I ate the toast. Auston sent me a look as he glanced between the babies and then me.
“Good. What did you want to do today?” he asked finally as he reached forward to have some bacon. I chewed my food slowly as I thought about it.
“I want to get a tattoo,” I said causing Auston’s eyebrow to raise in what I could only assume was surprise.
“Really?” he asked, disbelief seeping into his voice.
“Yeah what? Why are you acting like that?” I asked starting to feel slightly insecure. Auston noticed my voice change and his features immediately softened.
“No babe it’s okay I was just surprised you've never wanted to get a tattoo before,” he told me as he ran his hand up and down my arm in a soothing matter. He was right, Auston had tattoos all over himself but I had never been really into the idea of getting tattoos myself.
“I know but I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and this is something I want to do,” I shrugged my shoulders.
“What did you want to get done?” he asked gently. I reached over for my phone and pulled up pintrest to show him some ideas I had found.
“This one is my favorite. I would just get the time that the twins were born,” I mumbled as I pulled up a picture that showed two different times in military time. He took the phone from me and took a closer look.
“That's nice, do you know where you would want to get it?” he questioned as he handed me my phone back. I scrolled to the other one I liked of two baby elephants holding trunks with names under it.
“I also like this one. I just don’t know if I want to have an elephant on me,” I showed him the photo. He nodded in approval.
“I was thinking on my arm like maybe my wrist or ankle,” I told him as I pointed to my wrist. He reached out for my hand and ran his finger over my wrist gently.
“I like elephants,” Auston mumbled as he stared down at our hands. I grinned leaning up to face him.
“I know,” I leaned forward to connect our lips in a kiss.
“I can get Bre and Alex to watch the boys so we can go today,” he whispered when he pulled away. I gave him a wide grin as I nodded my head.
----
“Am I a bad mom for leaving the twins on mothers day?” I asked Auston as I sat in the chair in the tattoo parlor. Auston gave me a strange look as he pushed himself up from his chair and over to me.
“Babe what?” he asked, reaching out to grab my left hand. Our wedding rings shining next to each other.
“I’ve never been away from them,” I told him feeling slightly panicked. At first when Auston and I had left for the tattoo shop I was really excited to get away and do this one thing for myself but then when he started driving away I realized that it was the first time I was going to not be with the twins. It seemed silly to think but because Auston had to leave for road trips I was with the kids 24/7 Ema had obviously helped but she had never taken the kids out without me. Auston gave my hand a reassuring squeeze as he knelt down next to me.
“Shh, it’s okay.”
“What if they get hungry or need me or what if they get hurt?” I choked out as I moved to the end of the seat. I was about to push myself up but Auston put his hands on each of my shoulders holding me in place.
“Amelia,” he said sternly, causing me to look at him through my panic.
“The boys are going to be just fine. Alex and Bre are with them and Alex literally helped raise me and Bre so we know she’s at least good with kids. They aren't going to get hurt and if they get hungry you already put milk in the fridge. You're not a bad mother for needing to take a moment for yourself,” Auston reassured me as he moved his finger in a comforting matter over my collarbone. I let out a shaky breath as I leaned back into the chair.
“Hello,” the tattoo artist said as he walked into the room. He was covered from head to toe in tattoos.
“Mike,” Auston grinned as he made his way around the chair to give him a fist bump.
“Ah Tony here for another tat?” he asked as as he pulled away from the bro hug.
“Nah not today. Were here for my girl,” he pointed to me on the chair. I gave Mike a small shy wave. He made his way over to the stool and took a seat.
“Sweet. I’m Mike,” he held his hand out for me to shake. I reached out and smiled.
“Amelia.”
“What kind of tattoo were you thinking about getting?” he asked as he looked over his tattoo instruments.
“Um I have a picture,” I pulled my phone out and handed it to him when I had the picture of the times pulled up.
“Just something super simple with this font in military time,” I told him as I tapped my fingers on my leg. Mike nodded as he looked over the picture.
“Is this the time that you want or?” He asked as he set my phone down next to a piece of paper.
“Oh no um for one can it be 19:45 and the other 20:04,” he nodded his head as he began the sketch.
“Um and can you also add a third one,” I nervously glanced to Auston who had a confused look on his face.
“Can you make it say 09:35,” I said quietly. Mike nodded as he added that number to the list.
“Where do you want them?” he glanced up from the sketch.
“My wrist,” I told him as I showed him where I Wanted it to be put.
“What do they mean? If you don’t mind me asking,” Mike asked as he handed the sketch over to me to look at. I bit my lip as my eyes drifted to Auston.
“The time our twins were born, 19:45 and 20:04,” I told him as I smiled down at the sketch.
“And the first time I met Auston. Our flight took off at 9:35,” I blushed as I stared into his eyes. His smile broke for a second as he was hit with a strong wave of emotions. Mike smiled as he reached around to grab the tools he needed.
“Happy Mothers Day. Have you ever gotten a tattoo?” Mike asked as he moved closer to me so he could start. I shook my head no as I reached out for Auston’s hand.
“It’s going to hurt babe,” Auston warned me. I let out a shaky sigh as I nodded my head. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Are you ready?” Mike questioned. I nodded my head yes as I kept my eyes squeezed tightly. I held my breath as I waited for the needle to make contact with my skin. When it finally did my face scrunched up at the pain while my hand tightened on Auston’s hand. After a few moments Auston spoke up.
“You alright?” he asked. I peeked my eyes open slowly blinking to try to rid the tears that I had gotten triggered when the needle made contact with my hair.
“Yeah,” I choked out after a minute. Auston and Mike started talking as he continued to tattoo my skin.
“I think I’m going to pass out,” I mumbled after a moment. Mike immediately stopped what he was doing and looked over to me while Auston turned to face me.
“Do you need anything?” Mike asked as he stood up. He grabbed a water bottle and brought it over to me. I thanked him as I took the water bottle and took a sip. After five minutes of sitting there I turned my attention back to Mike.
“You can go again,” I told him, he went right back to what he was doing.
“Have you ever passed out before?” I asked Auston, trying to distract myself from the pain.
“Once, when I got the lion done. It took them so long to do it and I was dehydrated towards the end of the day,” he answered reaching out so he could rest his hand on my stomach.
“Is it almost done?” I asked Auston too afraid to look at the progress. Auston glanced down at my tattoo before taking a look at my wrist.
“Yeah babe you're doing great,” Auston grinned as he turned back to look at my face.
“He’s just finishing the last time,” he mumbled leaning forward and pressing a kiss to my cheek. After another few moments of pain it stopped. I glanced away from Auston to my wrist.
“Wow,” I sighed. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the three tattoos I now had permanently on my body.
“Their perfect,” I whispered. Auston grinned as he reached down to rub my arm above the tattoo.
“So perfect,” Auston laughed.
----
“I want to make an insta post today,” Auston told me as he pulled into the garage. We had picked up Chipotle for us and Alex and Bre after the tattoo shop. I glanced up from where I was scrolling on my phone to give him a surprised look. He didn’t normally inform me when he was going to post on Instagram.
“Uh okay?”
“I wanted to post a photo of the boys and you,” he clarified as he turned the car off. Auston and I had decided not to post a photo of the boys yet just because we didn’t want to hear all the comments.
“Okay well what were you thinking?” I hopped out of the car and made my way to the door, Auston following behind me.
“I have this really cool artsy photo I took of the twins holding hands the other day. I want to post that and a photo of when you were pregnant,” he stepped in front of me to open the door. I walked in and thought about it as I slipped my shoes off.
Auston slipped his shoes off and then pulled his phone out to pull up the two photos he wanted to post. I looked them over before shrugging my shoulders.
“I don’t mind if you post them,” I leaned up and pressed a kiss to his cheek before making my way into our living room where Alex and Bre are with the twins. I smiled at them as I walked further into the room.
“How were they?” Startled Alex looks up from Noah in her arms.
“Oh I didn’t hear that you guys were back, how was it?” she asked. I walked over to the couch as Auston disappeared into the kitchen, probably to let Felix out into the yard.
“It was good. It hurt a lot but I love it,” I held my wrist out so the two could see.
“I thought you were only getting two times?” Bre asked as she looked it over. I blushed lightly.
“Uh I got three, the twins time and um the time I met Auston,” I trailed off. Both girls' eyes widened as they took in my words.
“That's so cute,” Alex teased. I let out a surprised laugh as I smiled.
“Thank you.”
Just as I sat on the couch Kai let out a loud cry from Bre’s arms. She tried to adjust his position but his cries only grew louder.
“I think he wants you,” she mumbled over his cries pushing herself up from the couch and making her way over to me.
“Hi baby,” I cooed as I settled Kai into my arms. He let out another loud cry. I shook him as I tried to get him to calm down.
“What is it baby? Hmm. Are you hungry?” I glanced up to see Alex Bre and Auston staring at me with a look of what could only be described as fondness. I knew that he was hungry but I wasn't sure how comfortable I was to breastfeed in front of Auston and his two sisters.
“I think he’s hungry. I’m going to take him upstairs and feed him,” I stood up and made my way over to the stairs.
“Auston,” I paused, turning to face him. He raised an eyebrow in question.
“When Noah wakes up will you bring him up to eat?”
“Yeah,” he nodded. I turned back to the stairs and went up to the nursery. I pushed the door open and settled in the comfortable chair that we had bought for the nursery and I pulled my shirt off so Kai could start feeding. I wrapped a blanket around my shoulders so my whole body wasn't on display.
I couldn't believe it was my first mothers day. I had always dreamed about celebrating mothers day with my own children when I was a kid. When my own mother passed away I had slowly started to hate the holiday. It had been years since I had even acknowledged the holiday. Today though had been so special, the breakfast, seeing my children, being with Austons family, and my tattoo. Everything about today was perfect and I just wanted to stay frozen in this moment.
“Hey stranger,” I glanced away from my beautiful Kai to find my beautiful husband standing at the door with my precious Noah.
“Hi handsome,” I sent him a cheeky grin. He laughed lightly as he made his way into the room and cuddled up next to me on the not so big chair. Really this chair was not meant for two people.
“Is he about done?” Auston asked as he wrapped his arm around me. I looked back down at Kai who seemed to be finishing. I nodded as I gently pulled him away.
“Yeah is he hungry?” I asked. Auston nodded his head and we swapped babies so I could start feeding Noah.
“How are you doing babe?” Auston asked gently. Kai started reaching up to play with his mustache. I smiled at the scene before me.
“I’m okay,” I reassured him.
“I know that mothers day isn’t always the easiest for you because of your mom,” Auston spoke softly as he rubbed his hand up and down my arm in a comforting matter.
“I miss her everyday,” I admitted as I stared at Noah.
“I wish that she could have met you and them,” I continued. His hand hesitated for a moment before continuing.
“I wish that I could have met her too,” Auston mumbled as he pressed his forehead against mine.
“Today has been so wonderful though,” I pulled my head away a little so I could have a better look at his face.
“Seriously. You have done everything to make this day wonderful. The breakfast in bed and being there for me when I needed you and the tattoo. The list goes on of how perfect today has been and it’s not even over,” I blushed as he stared at me intensely. He leaned forward and kissed me deeply. I pulled away before it could go further.
“We probably shouldn't make out when our kid is feeding,” I laughed. Auston made a face before laughing along.
“Probably not.”
----
“Amelia,” Ema called as she walked up to the table. We had agreed that all of us kids and the twins would meet Ema and Brian at dinner for the reservation that we had made. It was Ema’s favorite mexican restaurant that Auston and I frequently visited.
“What about us?” Auston asked as he stepped in front of me so that he could pull his mom into a hug. She laughed as she hugged him back before pushing him out of the way.
“Your not a mother,” Ema chided as she reached out to take the seat next to me. Auston and Brian both move to help pull her chair out. Brian gave Auston an approving nod as he let his son take care of it.
“How was your spa?” Alex asked once everyone was sitting again. The twins between Auston and I let out a little sound that could have been leading to a cry if Auston hadn't been so quick to pick up Noah’s binky and place it back in his mouth.
“It was wonderful. Thank you guys for doing that for us,” she smiled at us as she opened the menu. When the server came everyone ordered margaritas except Bre and Auston.
“You don’t want a drink?” I whispered to Auston when I noticed his missing margarita.
“Nah I’m going to drive,” he mumbled back.
“So how was your day?” Ema asked the table. Bre immediately started telling her all the stories of what it was like to babysit Noah and Kai. I listened as the family talked mostly just taking everything in. It always blew my mind how effortlessly Auston’s family loved one another. I had grown up in a home very different from his.
“Isn’t that right Amelia,” Auston laughed causing me to tune in.
“Right,” I smiled, having no idea what they were talking about. The food came quickly and we all dug in.
“So Auston, Amelia. Brian and I have a gift for you,” Ema said as she reached into her purse. She pulled out an envelope.
“What about me,” Bre whined causing us all to laugh.
“Don’t be a brat,” Auston teased his sister fondly.
“Well Auston since you're always doing all of these wonderful things for your father and I and even your sisters we figured we could do something for you guys,” she handed the envelope to me because I was closer. I went to hand it to Auston.
“Open it up for us babe,” Auston said as he pushed it back to me. I ripped the envelope open and pulled out what was inside.
“Two plane tickets to Dubai for fathers day?” I read aloud as I looked them over.
“We would all be coming,” Ema explained.
“We bought enough tickets for all of us and the kids,” Brian told us as he wrapped his arm around the back of Ema’s chair. She nodded as she listened to her husband talk.
“Sweet,” Bre announced as she reached out to bump fist with Auston.
“We figured it would be a nice way for you two to get some relaxing in during the summer but you also don’t have to leave the kids behind,” Ema continued when neither of us went to say anything. I felt myself getting choked up.
“Oh Ema,” I reached out and rested my hand on her shoulder. This was almost too much for me to process.
“You didn’t need to do this,” I continued when I was able to get my voice under control.
“Oh honey don’t worry about it,” she smiled.
“You really didn’t have to do this,” Auston smiled at his mom and dad.
“Auston you do so much for us and I know that a lot has gone on in the past year. We think it would be really good for the family to go away on a trip. But we got you guys your own suite,” Brian told Auston as he handed the server the card. Auston’s frown deepened at that.
“You don't have-” Auston started to say
“Thank you,” I said, cutting off my husband. I could tell that his parents didn’t want to hear it.
“Auston want to see this photo I took of Noah? Or uh it might have been Kai,” Bre said as she pulled her phone out. We all laughed in surprise at the change of topic.
“How can you not tell them apart?” he questioned her as he took the phone to look closer.
“What do you mean! They are identical. Also I don’t see them every single day,” Bre laughed as she pointed out facts causing everyone to laugh except Auston.
“It’s Kai,” he said then turned the phone for me to see. I let out a soft ‘aww.’
“Send that to me,” I told her as Auston handed her phone back.
----
“How’s it going babe?” Auston asked as I finished feeding the twins. I glanced up at him with a tired smile. After dinner we all came back to the house and put on a movie. The twins started fussing towards the end because they were hungry so I had said goodnight to everyone and made my way upstairs.
“Good.”
Auston smiled as he walked in, he pulled his phone out and angled it at me taking a picture.
“You look beautiful,” he said softly as he leaned down to take Noah off my chest. He settled him on his hip as he pressed a kiss to his cheek.
“Time for bed buddy,” Auston mumbled as he brought him over to the crib that Kai was already laying in. He reached his hand into the crib and tapped on Kai. I pushed myself up from the chair once I had pulled my shirt on correctly.
“Lets go to bed,” I whispered into his ear as I wrapped my arms around him from behind. Auston turned around in my hold and pulled me into a tight hug. He rocked us back and forth.
“Thank you for being the very best mother,” he whispered. My body filled with warmth as I hugged him closer to me.
“I mean it,” he mumbled. I glanced up at him to press a quick kiss to his lips. He pulled away completely and led me to our room. Once we were inside he shut the door and locked it. I wrapped my arms around his neck as I pulled him into a kiss before he even had a chance to move from the door. Auston pushed me so that I was backed up against the door.
His arms were wrapped around me holding him tight against his body but they slowly slid until his hands were on my waist. He pulled away so that he was leaning his forehead against mine. The two of us were breathing heavily as we stared into each other's eyes.
“I can’t believe I got a tattoo today,” I told him after I caught my breath. He let out a laugh as he leaned forward to kiss me again. He wrapped his arms around my legs and told me to jump. I did as he said and he caught me so that he was holding me up. He walked over to the bed and laid me down on it.
“What do you want tonight baby?” Auston asked as he pushed my shirt up and started placing kisses down my stomach.
“You.”
----
austonmatthews: Thank you to my beautiful wife for bringing these boys into my life. It amazes me every day to see how wonderful you are with them. I know it’s been hard with me away on road trips but you handle everything so well. Happy Mother’s Day Mama love you❤️
#auston matthews#auston matthews imagine#auston matthews fanfic#auston matthews fic#auston matthews x reader#hockey fic#Hockey Fanfiction#hockey imagine#nhl fic#nhl imagine#nhl writing#nhl x reader
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