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#i was totally the cow guard

mugentakeda · 5 months

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i saw fanart for this age old unfinished fic and was so interested by the premise that i simply HAD to give the concept my own spin.... Ill put my notes under the cut cus it got kinda long lol

-FIRST OF ALL. i headcanon lu ten as a powerful firebender (like, lightning bending powerful. not an expert at it yet, but can generate it at will. only recently picked it up before the siege.) that can Also use a weapon. he picked it up for funsies and ended up taking it seriously and then excelling. he learned under piandao and in turn later introduced him to zuko. His weapon that he made with piandao was a more traditional jogekama yari, which he had on him when he was captured. long feng destroyed it and had a new jogekama yari made for lu ten in a more sleek earth kingdom style, with longer and more savage blades. **ALSO: lu tens jogekama yari is based on saras yari from samurai champloo!!!! i just made the side blades curved in opposite directions (which made it a jogekama instead of saras type of yari) -lu ten does not interact with the other agents. whether brainwashed or amnesic in this, hes not even one of the secret police that go around arresting people. hes a lone agent that works Directly under long feng and is more of an assassin and spy thats permitted in and out of ba sing se for the missions and jobs long feng sends him on, unlike the rest of the agents. as a gift for his (made up) birthday, long feng gave him a hand carved stone earring. Yes, its a tracker. yes, lu ten knows that. No, he doesn't care and wears it anyway. his boss can do what he wants, and he trusts his boss with his life (lol). the other dai li agents know of lu tens existence, less have seen him with their own eyes, none are permitted to speak to him if they do. they dont know hes a "nonbender". -i havent decided on whether or not i want lu ten brainwashed in this or simply amnesic?? it would be neat if he was the brainwash soft launch since the ba sing se conspiracy brainwashing only started After the siege. lu ten is a firebender, has that fn royalty brand iron willpower, so youd think thats hard to brainwash especially if he was the soft launch, but if long feng kept up the sessions regularly over the course of 6-ish years (and as their brainwashing techniques improved), id doubt it would rub off. its a seven layer salad of brainwashing. and even if he was amnesic rather than brainwashed, theyd still need to do some adjustments in lu tens head to TOTALLY wipe out any idea of firebending, on top of regular chi blocking. -as for the amnesic part, i read a theory that introduced the idea that lu ten being killed was an inside job orchestrated by ozai. which i dont think would be canon, but it would be pretty cool?? like especially considering how FAST he jumped on azulon about heirs. very suspicious indeed. and all too convenient: have a group of moles set in irohs army, once lu ten moves out away from iroh then corner him, kill him, make it look like the earth army did it, sneak back to the fire nation, ozai gets the crown. easy as pie. -and to combine one of MY OWN aus with the above, aka the one where zhao and lu ten were both taught together under jeong jeong, the first time that zhao REALLY made a big move into ozais pocket was offering to be the head mole in irohs army. it made perfect sense to ozai, and he gladly sent zhao on his way- him being close rivals with him will catch him off guard and make the job far easier. and if zhao succeeds, and KEEPS succeeding, when ozai undoubtedly snatches the crown, he will grant zhao all the rewards and titles he could ever want until the cows come home. snazzy deal.

so whichever one of those you guys find cooler will be the one i go with because frankly both of them have the same amount of fun angst and drama idk......................

-as for lu tens face and arm, i base that off how i think lu ten died, not even gna lie. in the case where he is dead i think half his skull got crushed open and his arm was blown right off from the bicep. the stitches are just for aesthetic purposes. i was inspired by how scars are drawn in one piece, and because they give a "frankensteins monster" type look, which i found fitting, since this is a 'came back wrong' trope/winter soldier-esque au. the bandages covering his face was a suggestion from an anxious long feng to hide his face in public, while the ba sing se conspiracy was still fresh and the citizens might recognize the spawn of the dragon of the west if they looked long enough.

-as for lu ten and long fengs relationship, i havent thought about it enough, but im definitely imagining smthn along the lines of "you were always working for me, i picked you up and trained you when you had nothing, you owe me your life and loyalty", mixed with some gentle stockholm syndrome. like, a combination of "the king and his most loyal guard dog", a very strange psuedo father-son relationship??? (which was honestly accidental on long fengs part. but he kept it up because he found the irony amusing. yes he will try and rub that in irohs face. yes iroh will beat his skull in for it. its chill)

-this has nothing to do with the au but please see iroh and zukos body language in the third panel of the comic... i love to portray them as protective of each other... zukos blade placed before iroh, irohs arm switching from shoulder to shoulder as zuko turns, always placed between him and whatever is approaching... Heurghhh (GRIPS HEAD

#BUT YEAH I HOPE U GUYS LIKE TJIS ... if that ends up being the case maybe ill talk abt it more and expand a bit further...#BUT ONLY IF U GUYS LIKE IT I PROMISE.#yes this woudl probably change the outcome of book 2 thats a whole other can of beans #lu ten #iroh #zuko #long feng #atla #avatar the last airbender #alicias art

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loserlvrss · 3 months

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꒰ 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐂𝐄𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐈𝐒𝐒 ꒱ 제로베이스원

summary : favorite physical places zb1 and reader likes to kiss/be kissed

genre : fluff, zb1 x gn!reader, headcanon, drabble tws : mentions of kissing (duh??) author notes : huh, maybe i am insane word count : 0.4k

— ☆ 김지웅

hand. kiss.

ROMANCE. ROMANCE. ROMANCE. ROMANCE. need i really say more?? jiwoong screams old school romance, c'mon, i wouldn’t be surprised if he’d eventually ask your parents for permission to marry you with a bouquet and his best cow.

— ☆ 章昊

now i think this man could swing either way, he could be your baby or you could be his, but if you ever grabbed his cheeks and pressed a feather light kiss to his nose, he’d look at you with all the stars in his eyes. I DO NOT CARE. DO NOT TELL ME OTHERWISE. I AM TOTALLY FINE.

— ☆ 성한빈

imagine the cute little laughs he’d let out if you kissed his cheek, exposing his dimples !! bonus points if you kiss them too …yeah, i’m completely normal about this. i think he’d like to kiss shoulders and the back of necks too, don’t ask me any questions regarding this though.

— ☆ 석매튜

i’m a strong believer that matthew will take whatever is given to him, because he would be so in love with you, but he likes to kiss your lips (and vice versa) the most because it feels almost too domestic — especially if it's just absentmindedly …and he can show people that your his that way haha

ONE CHANCE PLEASEEE !!

— ☆ 김태래

i honestly think that kissing taerae’s jaw line would be your favorite, mostly because you’re at the perfect height to, but also because it might fluster him if you catch him off guard. it’s close to his neck, but it’s also close to his cheek — the perfect middle ground in your humble opinion — which might cause him to turn a cute shade of pink and let out giggles (that you can’t even lie, are my your favorite) brb eating glass.

— ☆ 沈泉锐

same reason as taerae, you (and ricky) like kissing necks because it flusters the other if caught off guard. and truthfully, ricky likes the intimacy between you two when doing it — especially during a heartfelt hug, please kiss his tattoo ♡

— ☆ 김규빈

STRONG BIASED ASSUMPTION HERE but tell me gyuvin wouldn’t like to be cared for by his significant other (not in a weird-babyish way) but imagine he’s sitting in a chair or on the couch, you're standing in front of him, he’s hugging your waist, and you kiss his forehead. you might have to pick him up off the floor because he’d i'd actually die GRAHHHHH

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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wolfjackle-creates · 3 months

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I don't know if your taking requests at the moment, but can I just put this idea in your head? Spectra takes over Arkham Asylum. She sneaks past Danny somehow and sets up shop. Batfam ends up going to Amity Park as it's the only other location that she's recorded to have worked at, and they can't access the data from their computers for some reason. >:3

I'm probably not gonna be adding more fics to my WIP list if I can help it (curse my poor impulse control), but I'm absolutely up for talking prompts and brainstorming how I'd handle them!

I'd probably start the fic long before anyone goes to Amity. ^.^

Spectra is a psychiatrist in Arkham. The guards love her because all the patients/inmates come out of her sessions docile and cowed. In the entire history of the asylum, the patients have never been so well behaved.

Then Harley gets dragged before her. Even she is not immune to Spectra's power. But Harley has enough psychiatric training to know something is up. That the things Spectra is spewing are total BS. That her words alone shouldn't have the affect they are.

She sends words to Pamela Isley. Letting her know to lay low and avoid capture at all costs while this woman is still at Arkham. That something bad is going on. Maybe she even asks for help. Pamela then contacts Jason and/or Dick.

Jason/Dick contacts Tim or Barbara to look up information on the mysterious psychiatrist. Only...they can't find anything. It's like she doesn't exist. Even the records detailing her hiring are odd. (She overshadowed a few people to forge some of the paperwork, but missed a few steps.)

All they can find for sure is an obituary from decades ago and a short 2-3 week stint at a high school in Illinois.

Dual plot lines: Poison Ivy trying to break Harley out of Arkham while 2-3 of the bats go to Amity to find information on Spectra.

@stealingyourbones have you seen any other prompts/fics with Spectra at Arkham?

#dpxdc #spectra (dp)#arkham asylum #harley quinn #prompt #feel free to send in more prompts!#it's the best part about this fandom <3

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oneforthemunny · 4 months

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munny's one-derful year

to celebrate my one year on tumblr (january eighth, to be exact), i have decided to open up a little writing prompt. some of my favorite lores, asks, and others for anyone to participate in <3 thank you all so much for your love and following me around onto three blogs lol!!! i love you all so much!!

rules: must tag #munnysonederful and @oneforthemunny to each entry so i can read and reblog ofc. unlimited entries, and i will be reblogging and making a masterlist on my own page so everyone can read/find the works :) can be blurbs, full works, headcanons, honestly anything you want!

prompts:

rockstar!eddie and nepo baby!reader’s favorite hate fucking moment. where does it happen? why does it happen? are they just playing, or did one prompt the other? What happens ;)? get as smutty and gross as you want to babes, no one here will complain lol.

based off the lore that older!eddie gets slutty on teqila lol. gimme tequila eddie. make it slutty. the og prompt was at the beach for a wedding of a cousin, if you’d like to follow that, but if not- where does it happen? how do you think it would go? don’t spare a single detail please!!!!

modern!eddie and his lil mean girl’s first date, like official date. i get a lot of questions on this and i honestly want to know what you guys think! what’s it like? where do they go? any awkward moments? what’s the convo like? does he try to over impress or play it like he’s too cool? have fun with it!

ofc i would never deny anyone here a chance to write about our beloved mafia!eddie and the dogs lol. vecna, diablo, lucifer, and zeus (and beelzebub if you want to add him). i love anything with the dogs, specifically with them being spoiled, so spoil me for a moment and write about them! eddie’s bitching because they’re “guard dogs!!! they’re trained to kill!!!” and you’ve got them totally spoiled, so tell me about it. how would you spoil them?

janitor!eddie deserves the world, so give it to him. give me something with spoiling him. why are you doing it (birthday, valentine’s day, hard week)? how are you doing it? is it planned or a surprise or impromptu? and of course, how does he react? could be angsty, fluffy, smutty if you’re feeling it. just show him some love.

cowboy!eddie and sweet girl’s animals. i gotta know about them. there’s three parts of lore here: the cow, the chickens, and the goats. take your pick or choose all of them. make it your own, or me, personally, i want to know how they came to be? how did that conversation of convincing eddie to get them go? expectations vs reality? have fun with it, be silly with it.

the horny hours convo we had (in april??? maybe lol) with dom!eddie was quite possibly the most successful and most interacted horny hours we’ve ever had. so with that being said, i’m opening up the prompts to be rewritten in your version. so there was three big ones: “don’t make me pull this car over” aka car troubles, “go pick a switch” aka switching it up, and the bath brush aka dripping down. rewrite it, make it your own, make new drama, if you’re not a brat make it non-bratty lol, make it slutty is all i ask.

bouncer!eddie being a switch really shook everyone up and i loved it, so i want whatever version of him you want to write. him being subby, him being dominant, him just being him and being a little flirty and silly and slutty and the love of my life. expand on the walk in blurb if you need inspo, or what happened after a night where you or him got jealous from someone flirting at the hideout.

funson’s freebies:

in honor of my og blog (funsonmunson, gone but not forgotten) these are freebie plots for any of my au’s <3

give me an angsty breakup fic. why did they break up? who broke up with who? make me cry, ruin my day- or take mercy on us and give us a happy ending, up to you.

self care nights. what do they do? is it a night in? a night out? is eddie taking care of you, or you taking care of him, or a little bit of both? what’s going on, just let me feel all gooey and lovey inside!!!

i always get birthday requests, and technically it’s my tumblr birthday, so what do the eddies do for your birthday? where do they take you? what’s the cake situation? surprise party, planned party, no party? night in or out? presents? birthday sex? truly whatever you picture!

another highly requested, is a wedding. i love weddings and my guilty pleasure is wedding fics idk why, so give me that. you can follow the lore if they have it, or do whatever you want! proposal, ceremony, honeymoon- honestly whichever you want! where does it happen? what’s the details? who’s there? if you put vows i’m gonna sob so just fyi on that.

finally, i have to give it up for the domestic babes. give me something soul crushingly domestic. dog!dad eddie, dad!eddie, pregnancy one, newborn, child- i don’t care. i want to feel motherly in this bitch after i read it.

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wolfsetfree-if · 2 months

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okay so i have three mcs currently (will probs make three more, so i have two of each wolf type). this will get LONG so. sorry? maybe?

my mainiest main: my gamma boy. he has curly dark brown hair and one brown and one green eye, he's average height and has a lean build, a bit lanky honestly, plus he'd want to wear oversized soft clothes and would probably look skinnier than he actually is. his wolf form has long fur dappled with black and would, in dimmer lighting, probably look totally black, but in the sun i'd imagine the warmer brown would come out. like a little surprise. a kinder egg. lol.

he is currently having A Bad Time. (obviously). in the beginning of captivity, he would have been very jittery and tense and constantly tried to find ways to escape (and we know how that ended, so), but now that hyper-vigilance has taken a toll and he's honestly quite disassociated and numb. very tired, but also can't stop being on guard. he has had no control for so long, but knowing/seeing exactly what was/is happening around him helps a little.

as far as being rescued... he's glad to be free, obviously, but he doesn't trust the pack (even if he's grateful) and doesn't know how to even begin to process his emotions, so he's feeling both overwhelmed and numb at the same time, and can't really believe it really. he has not taken any chances to get closer to the pack (so no pets or cuddling), because any touch sends him into an anxious spiral. plus he's naturally quite introverted and being around people can be overwhelming and tiring, and now that's amplified times a billion. but when he feels a bit calmer and safer, i think he'll honestly like a little bit of cuddling and being petted and might discover that he's a bit touch-starved. he will bond with the pack eventually, though, and enjoy spending time with all of them. he would love to learn how to knit, for example, or help out in the garden or play card games or draw or paint or maybe help the pups with schoolwork. he'd be good at that, i think. he's very patient and actually good at School Stuff (mostly math and science). i think he'll fit into the pack nicely eventually, and one day it will feel like a true home, and a real family... HIS family, and it will probably be the happiest day of his life, when he realizes that.

my second main: my little but actually giant omega. he is actually tall, but he's like. an awkward/skinny/shy/gentle giant, lol. he has blonde hair and brown eyes, and his wolf form (long fur because fluffy and soft!) has white patches. sort of like a cow print. which is very cute.

the captivity... it was just very sad for him, honestly. obviously wearing a collar and being petted like a dog wasn't good or nice, but he's extremely touch-starved and wants to be around people. he's shy, like i said, so he doesn't necessarily want to be in the centre, but he wants to be with family, a pack, and the djinn wasn't that, of course, but it was something other than bare walls and cage bars, yknow? he feels extremely sad and lonely.

then he's so happy and overwhelmed at being rescued and he has latched on to bela very strongly. he takes any chance for pets and feels safe and protected around the alpha (since they're so kind and gentle and welcoming). he loved the pups. he wants to adopt them. he wants to be a full-time nanny for them. he also loved cuddling kesha. they can be cuddle-buddies forever. honestly i can sum him up with this emoji: 🥺

my third: my alpha. a small ball of rage. well. sort of. he's just the teeny tiniest bit shorter than average (if you ask him), but he has that angry chihuahua vibe for sure. he has black hair and intense blue eyes, and is quite muscular. but like athletic more than buff gym-bro. i don't know if a trans mc has had the opportunity to have any surgeries, and if they haven't, he would feel quite dysphoric in human form and wear a binder pretty much 100% of the time (not healthy! bad!) and his wolf form makes him happier, or at least more comfortable. wolves don't have boobs.

as for the captivity... he has been in a perpetual state of rage (well, despair + loneliness + hopelessness, too, but it all manifests as anger because it's easier) for years, and he's not about to stop now. the feeling of being powerless and having any and all autonomy and choice taken from him has been devastating in a way i can't even describe, and he has no coping mechanisms aside from anger and fighting.

being free now is. fuck yeeeeeaaah. fuck the djinns and fuck that cage and fuck his old pack. he's very happy about being out of that stupid cage and away from the djinns but he's very tense around the pack (even if he likes them, so far, mostly), because letting his guard down would mean showing weakness and he's refused to do that for so long, so when he eventually manages to settle a bit and start to process his trauma i think he will really struggle with accepting that the anger was also grief and fear. but he will eventually come to trust and love the pack so much and feel so protective of all of them, because they'll be his real family, and he won't have to be all alone ever again.

mm. well. as i said. very long. hope you enjoyed lol

You have one wolf better than the other I swear. I love how they are all at different stages of acceptance and elaboration of their grief and captivity. And I love how they all have different attachment styles with the pack.

You'll get to experience all the different variations with them!

#your pups #they are not only well thought but also very pretty!#love me another trans alpha!

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exhausted-archivist · 6 months

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Tastes of Thedas Lore Blurbs

Here are all the recipe lore blurbs for Dragon Age: Official Cookbook: Tastes of Thedas. Putting them below the cut due to length, there are 72 recipe blurbs in total.

Starters and Refreshments

Eggs à la Val Foret

Ah, yes. Tons of cream! Exactly what I've come to expect from Orlesian cuisine. Do I have any tips for creating the perfect poached egg? Well, ever since I heard that Solas's bald head was once likened to an egg, I simply try to make my eggs just as round and shiny! So far, it's worked wonderfully and never ceases to put a smile on my face.

Nevarran Blood Orange Salad

Although I knew that Divine Victoria left behind a life of wealth and privilege to join the Seekers of Truth, it wasn't until I was in Nevarra, seeing exactly what she'd given up, that I truly gained an appreciation for the path she'd chosen. The best way to describe my first glimpse of the gardens of Nevarra is that it was like seeing a painting come to life. For a long moment, I could only stand there, so dazzled by the richness and vibrancy of it all that I was half-convinced I was actually still napping in the carriage. Surely, there was no way such beauty could be found outside of a dream. And yet the beauty before me was very much real.

So, too, was the picturesque tableau that arrived later that day on a plate: perfectly cut slices of blood orange artfully arranged on a lush pillow of bitter greens. Was this a meal or a still life, I wondered. In truth, the answer was both. For Nevarrans, food is as much a feast for the eyes as for the mouth. But even if your arrangement isn't quite worthy of being displayed in a museum, this salad will sing a symphony on your tastebuds.

Fried Young Giant Spiders

Just as people on the surface raise cows and goats, the dwarves underground raise spiders. Yes, to eat. The legs are fried and served with a sauce, which, true to dwarven fashion, is made with some type of alcohol. The precise kind depends on the establishment where you're eating your spider legs. Unfortunately, I couldn't get an exact recipe from any of the chefs I spoke to. These sauces are apparently closely guarded secrets and have spurred many a nefarious plot to acquire them - the competition to be crowned Orzammar's Best Sauce is fierce. But I've been assured that lichen ale is generally not used.

I've therefore come up with my own recipe, based on the many varieties I sampled while in Orzammar. Given that sourcing the requisite spider legs above ground is not nearly so easy, and the demand for such exports is minimal, I've substituted them with crab legs. It's not a perfect match, but it's close enough to satisfy me.

Stuffed Deep Mushrooms

Though the mushrooms growing underground in caves and in many parts of the Deep Roads are all called "deep mushrooms," there is no singular variety. In fact, there are several! Some mushrooms are squat, with broad, flat caps, while others are long and spindly, reaching toward the sky like an old man's gnarled fingers. They also have a multitude of applications, used in the creation of everything from restorative potions to deadly poisons. But in Orzammar, mushrooms are farmed for eating!

I was able to sample some of these dwarven delicacies, prized for their unique flavor and intoxicating scent. After only a few bites, I was struck with inspiration. How delicious would one of these mushrooms be when stuffed with cheese and spinach? The answer is: very. Rest assured that I selected this particular variety of deep mushroom not only for its shape, which is ideal for holding the maximum amount of cheese (and spinach), but also for the fact that it does not carry the darkspawn taint. While certain dwarves will insist that a deep mushroom's proximity to lyrium and darkspawn can only improve its flavor, I am quite content to leave that particular question a mystery, especially where lyrium is concerned. Although I'm hardly an expert on the stuff, I can't help but think about Fenris and how much suffering he endured as a result of his lyrium-infused markings. It seems to me that, barring any natural resistance, lyrium and the body are two things that probably shouldn't mix.

Rivaini Couscous Salad

When I first encountered couscous, I mistakenly believed it to be a grain, like rice or the more familiar Fereldan barley. I was swiftly corrected. In fact, couscous is a sort of pasta, made with semolina flour and water, although it's far smaller than your typical Antivan pasta. Couscous has a very mild flavor on its own--maybe slightly nutty. But where it excels is in its ability to soak up surrounding flavors, making it a perfect base for any salad. I'd love to experiment further, but so far, this particular combination of red bell pepper and mint has proven to be incredibly pleasing.

Crab Cakes from Kirkwall

I love it when recipes add a dash of whimsy into the mix. Food should be fun. I, therefore, took it upon myself to put this into practice with a classic Kirkwall dish. After all, who hasn't looked at their crab cakes and wished they looked a little more like crabs? Okay, maybe I'm the only one who's thought this. But now that I've brought this possibility to your attention, I'm certain you're interested as well! Best of all, these extra-crabby crab cakes stay true to the original recipe's flavors, so nothing is lost--only gained!

Fluffy Mackerel Pudding

Can it really be Feast Day without fluffy mackerel pudding? No! In fact, there's no dish I associate more strongly with the holiday than this unique combination of mackerel, onion, celery, and eggs. Granted, I've heard stories that, several decades ago, someone once attempted a diet consisting entirely of fluffy mackerel pudding. Now, that I certainly wouldn't recommend. It stops being Feast Day Fish if you eat it every day, no?

Snail and Watercress Salad

When the Avvar can't get their hands on a gurgut or a wyvern, they turn their attention to smaller prey. Much smaller prey. Snails are found on many a hillside boulder, making them an abundant source of food for the Avvar. Now, while some would wrinkle their noses or cry out in disgust at the prospect of eating a snail, I am pleased to report that, when prepared correctly, the texture, and flavor are actually good! I could happily eat a plate full of snails dressed in butter and oil, but those still on the fence about a snail's place in Lowlander cuisine might prefer to sample them in conjunction with other ingredients. Might I suggest a snail and watercress salad? It’s not exactly traditional Avvar cuisine, but my hosts certainly seemed to enjoy it.

Cave Beetles

You think that, after snails, I'd balk at beetles? Never! In fact, I greatly enjoyed this dwarven dish, which involves roasting cave beetles in their shells. However, I recognize that many may not have a palate that's nearly so adventurous. If that's the case, the cave beetles can be replaced with whole prawns while keeping the rest of the recipe the same. That being said, if you do enjoy the variation with prawns, I really recommend giving the cave beetles a try. They're quite similar in both texture and flavor. If you were to blindfold yourself, I doubt you could tell the difference!

For the Road

Spiced Jerky

Preserved foods play an important role in many different cultures across Thedas. Not only do they help certain communities weather times of scarcity brought on by the changing of the seasons, but they also ensure that long journeys away from home are possible. Imagine how difficult it would be for Dalish hunters to bring back meat the clan is depending on if they have to be back for supper night - or, worse, hunt on an empty stomach! This spiced jerky ensures that all Dalish hunters are well provisioned whenever they set out on a hunt so that no one, either the hunter or the clan at home, must go hungry. I do wonder, given how well this food keeps, whether it’s used in offerings made by certain Dalish elves to Fen’Harel. Although his shrines are usually located well outside of Dalish camps, I can’t imagine that leaving behind food that’ll readily spoil is good practice, especially if the prevailing opinion about these shrines is to avoid them. Besides, he is the Dread Wolf. If any god would enjoy a good piece of jerky, it should be him!

Grey Warden Pastry Pockets

Unlike many of us, Grey Wardens often don’t have the luxury of sitting down for their meals. Instead, they’re off on patrol, usually in less-than-pleasant climates, which makes their work all the more exhausting. In their shoes, I imagine I’d be downright ravenous, well beyond what a handful of nuts could hope to sate. But a pastry stuffed to the brim with meat, potatoes, and onion? Now, that would keep me going, and the Grey Wardens certainly seem to agree! While the original recipe produces a much tougher pastry - mostly to keep the whole thing from falling apart in one’s pack - another variation, championed by newer recruits from Orlais, incorporates the far more delicate Orlesian puff pastry. Whether eaten hot or cold, the results are certainly delicious, but I wouldn’t recommend storing these pastries anywhere they might be jostled. Otherwise, you might open your pack to find a mess in place of a meal!

Pickled Eggs

Got a fever? A cold? An aching shoulder, perhaps? Ask any Fereldan for advice, and they’ll be quick to prescribe you a pickled egg, the Fereldan cure for…well, pretty much anything! Actually, no, I take it back. You don’t even have to ask. Looking a bit under the weather is prompt enough for most Fereldans to unleash a deluge of eggs, which is exactly what Commander Cullen found waiting for him in his office during the worst of his lyrium withdrawals. Whether the eggs really work is a completely different story, but I’d be the last person to complain if one was offered to me. I am Fereldan, after all. Still, next time you feel a bit of illness coming on, try one of these salty-sour eggs. You never know; it might actually work. And at the very least, you’ll have the opportunity to enjoy one of Ferelden’s finest snacks!

Unidentified Meat

Have you ever heard a tale so exciting that you decided then and there that you absolutely have to see the truth of it for yourself? That was me when I learned about the mysterious, impossible-to-identify meat that’s often served in taverns across Tevinter - usually with a heaping portion of Nevarran flat bread. Of course, sometimes, the truth is far less exciting. Because what did I find on my plate when I ordered a portion of this strange meat? Was it quillback? Dracolisk? Giant? No. It was chicken - chicken legs, to be precise. Ah, well. They were still delicious.

Seheron Fish Pockets

Alas, for all my desire to see every last bit of Thedas, there are still certain places where I simply cannot go. Take far-off Seheron, for example, a land that, according to the Hero of Ferelden’s companion, Sten, smells like tea, incense, and the sea. Sounds lovely, no? What a shame then, that all my knowledge comes secondhand - and this recipe is no exception. I learned of this recipe from a member of the famous mercenary band Bull’s Chargers. A group favorite, the fish is packed with flavor. On its own, this combination of spices might prove a bit too much for the more delicate Orlesian palates, but I find that the soft wrap and crisp vegetables temper the resultant heat a fair bit. Do note, however, that this dish has a tendency to fall apart if eaten haphazardly. I suppose that’s why the mercenary who shared this recipe with me emphasized the importance of sitting down properly. He seemed to think I might stand in my chair to eat it instead. Who does that?

Fereldan Hearty Scones

Traveling is tiring work, especially when circumstances beyond your control necessitate going by foot instead of carriage. Thankfully, I had these hearty scones from home to keep me going! Unlike their sweeter, more delicate counterparts, Fereldan scones are packed with cheese and bacon, making them certain to keep you full until your next meal. Unfortunately, this also makes the scones a prime target for any nearby mabari, who love cheese and bacon as much as any other Fereldan. Don't make my mistake! Take a moment to survey your surroundings before enjoying your first bite; otherwise, a four-legged someone might do the honors for you.

Crow Feed

You don’t see much rice outside of Antiva and its neighbor, Rivain. In fact, it’s an especially rare sight in Ferelden, where any grain is seemingly always either barley or wheat. Evidently, very little of the rice Antiva produces ends up being exported, making it relatively cheap compared to other grains. It’s no wonder, then, that rice is a key component in dishes favored by poorer Antivans. However, that doesn’t make them any less delicious! Take crow feed, for example - a simple dish of rice, butter, and onions named after the (in)famous Antivan Crows. Although it’s most certainly cheap, the taste is fit for a king!

Black Lichen Bread

No doubt your face is already creasing in trepidation. “But wait,” you think, “isn’t black lichen toxic?” And yes. Yes, it is. But high temperatures seem to largely neutralize the lichen’s toxicity, making it safe to consume. If you’re still concerned, you can easily substitute any surface varieties for the lichen used in this recipe. Just make sure to thoroughly dry it, as you would any lichen from underground. You can also use bark in place of lichen, but I think that defeats the point. This is supposed to be lichen bread, after all, not bark bread!

Hearth Cakes

Some lovely comfort food, courtesy of the Dalish. These cakes are traditionally made over the hearth on an iron griddle or skillet (hence the name). While the original recipe calls for halla butter, I’ve found that other types of butter work just as well. The resulting dough stays moist on the inside, but crisp and flaky on the outside. In other words: perfect. Although hearth cakes can be made plain, I recommend adding some dried fruit into the mix. Cranberries, raisins, and currants all work. I believe the Dalish simply use whatever is on hand. Of course, if you’re feeling a bit mischievous, you could mix in some hot peppers instead: Just be prepared to be cursed as loudly and vehemently as Fen’Harel, the Lord of Tricksters himself!

Peasant Bread

While traveling through Orlais, I spied this rustic and hearty bread being eaten by both Dalish and city elves alike. The recipe is very straightforward, calling for wheat, salt, and grease in nearly equal parts, and it produces a biscuit that feels like it would be right at home in any Fereldan dish. It does a wonderful job mopping up any last bits of stew left inside your bowl, but it also pairs well with a bit of butter and jam.

Soups and Stews

Merrill’s Blood Soup

In the same vein as Llomerryn red, this is not actually blood - it’s just red. The color comes from the beetroot, which gives the soup a rich, earthy flavor that goes well with the roasted chickpeas sprinkled on top. Some might find the vibrant crimson hue off-putting, in the same way many shun the practice of blood magic. However, as mages like Merrill have shown, I think it’s best to not judge by appearances or by what you think you know. Take the time to experience things for yourself, and you might find yourself pleasantly surprised!

Fereldan Potato and Leek Soup

Most people immediately think of Orlais when it comes to creamy soups, and I can’t blame them. However, as often as cream might appear in their cuisine, the Orlesians certainly don’t have a monopoly on it, whether in soup or otherwise. This dish is 100% Fereldan through and through, and the recipe I’ve noted here is actually Mum’s. Of course, I couldn’t help but put my own little twist on it. Instead of using a side of toasted bread to give the meal a necessary bit of crunch, I turned my attention abroad, settling on chickpeas from Rivain, toasted to crouton-like crispiness. In a way, this recipe is very much a reflection of me, now that my journey is coming to an end. While my origins are unmistakably Fereldan, my travels across Thedas have touched me in a lasting way, and I’m all the richer for it.

The Hanged Man’s Mystery Meat Stew

A famous dish from the Hanged Man tavern in Kirkwall - or infamous, I suppose, depending on your perspective. Personally, after having heard so much about it, I couldn’t wait to taste it, even if the establishment, as Fenris once so succinctly put it, smelled of sour ale, vomit, and desperation. Oh, yes. I can hear what you’re thinking. A Fereldan excited about yet another stew. How predictable. But this is the tavern’s feature dish! Why shouldn’t I be excited? It’s made from a different meat every morning. I suspect mine was pork, although after overhearing the waitress tell another patron that they hang people who ask stupid questions from the rafters, I declined to confirm.

Fish Chowder

As Antivan as it gets! A bowl of this thick, creamy soup will have you feeling like you’re in Antiva City. No need for any pickpockets, corrupt politicians, or Antivan leather to further enhance the experience - the word “enhance” being entirely debatable, of course. I can’t imagine that the smell of rotting flesh would do much for anyone’s appetite, though Zevran Arainai might disagree with me on that. Evidently, becoming an accomplished assassin can have a pronounced effect on one’s tastes. But if you ask me, this desire for rather unusual accompaniments is likely born of something much more universally understood: homesickness.

Sweet and Sour Cabbage Soup

This Fereldan staple is often more solid than liquid, filled to the brim with cabbage, tomatoes, and other vegetables. Paired with a thick slice of dark bread, it makes for a filling and satisfying meal, one guaranteed to leave you full of warmth for hours afterwards on even the coldest of days. A perfect fit for us Fereldans, you might think, but we aren’t the only ones who enjoy this soup on the regular. Apparently, there’s a troupe of actors in Orlais whose sole focus is a popular comedy set in the fictional Fereldan village of Wilkshire Downs. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see it for myself, as the performance was sold out almost instantly. But in order to play their roles most convincingly, the actors went so far as to change their diets to match those of their characters. For example, there’s a mayor who specifically eats cabbage soup. Personally, I don’t think I’d enjoy subsisting only on cabbage soup for an extended period of time, but you can’t help but applaud them for their dedication to their craft!

Lentil Soup

Lentils and Onions - open any pantry across Thedas, and I’m certain you’ll find these two ingredients sitting on the shelves. They’re both relatively inexpensive and keep well for an extended period of time. Best of all, they go with pretty much anything! Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if these two Thedosian staples played a starring role instead of a supporting one. So I combined a recipe that’s popular in elven alienages with some classic Tevinter flavors to supply an answer to this question. And what a delicious answer it is!

Nettle Soup

I first encountered nettles as a child, when I tripped and fell face-first in a whole patch of them. Many tears were shed, along with a lecture from Mum to play elsewhere from now on. In short, it was far from a pleasant experience. So I was understandably dubious when confronted with the idea of using nettles as an ingredient in my cooking. How could something so painful to the touch be in any way edible, let alone pleasant on the tongue. Funnily enough, I didn’t even have to taste it to understand. Though I doubt she’d appreciate it, I immediately thought of Lady Morrigan. She is, in a word, prickly, much like a nettle. And yet, despite her oftentimes cruel manner, no one can deny that she’s done much for Thedas’s benefit, helping not just the Hero of Ferelden, but also the Inquisitor. She’s a perfect example of how first impressions are not always the most correct. So, yes, nettles are both incredibly nutritious and delicious, contrary to my expectations.

King Alistair’s Lamb and Pea Stew

Hearty, humble, and straightforward to make - the three key aspects of any good Fereldan stew. This is a dish so ubiquitous that it’s become almost synonymous with Fereldan cuisine in general. I’m certain you’ve heard many a clever quip about our stews, perhaps even from Fereldan! But let me be the first to assure you that, no, contrary to what King Alistair may have said, we don’t cook our ingredients until they’re all “a uniform grey color.” Throwing them into the largest pot we can find, on the other hand… …that much is true. If you’re going to make a stew, you might as well make a lot of it! Although Mum’s stews will always rule my heart, I’d be lying if I said this recipe - its namesake’s view on Fereldan stews aside - didn’t come close to stealing the crown. (Sorry, Mum!)

Main Courses

Stuffed Cabbage

Gathering is just as important as hunting for the Avvar. It’s like Mum said: You can’t live off only meat, and any meal without vegetables is a meal half-finished. Of course, I didn’t understand her reasoning as a child, especially one who was single-handedly waging a war against the green menace on my plate. But now that I’m older, I have a new appreciation for her words. Plus, with a bit of proper seasoning, and some meat, even the most unappealing of vegetables can be delicious.

Antivan Gnocchi

Phew! Antivan meals sure are something to behold - and, to think, for Antivan nobles like Lady Josephine, these decadent spreads are just another dinner! Every time I thought we’d reach the last course, another was swiftly brought out. After ten dishes full of ingredients like olives, truffles, pasta, and cream, it’s a wonder I didn’t have to be rolled away from the table! In retrospect, I probably overindulged in the gnocchi, which were dressed with leeks and a rich cheese sauce. While they’re delicious, these small lumps of wheat, flour, egg, salt, and potato are incredibly filling. Still, I cannot say I won’t repeat this mistake next time I find myself at an Antivan table - nor will I regret it if I do!

Antivan Paella

Bordered by the Rialto Bay to the east, Antiva is populated mostly on the coast. It’s no wonder, then, that seafood plays a starring role in Antivan cuisine. There’s no dish that exemplifies this more than the classic Antivan paella. Rice, saffron, and a variety of seafood (from whole shrimp to cuttlefish to mussels) come together to create an aromatic smorgasbord of everything the ocean has to offer. Best of all, it’s all made in a single pot - truly a dish after my own stew-loving Fereldan heart, if King Alistair’s thoughts on Fereldan cuisine are to believed! Although paella is traditionally cooked in a shallow, wide pan called a paellera (or, more confusingly, a paella in certain regions of Antiva), it can be prepared in virtually any deep skillet. Be sure to pair your paella with a glass of wine - ideally, an Antivan vintage, according to Lady Josephine, whose opinion on such matters can certainly be trusted - for the full experience.

Grilled Poussin

The Chasind sure love their poussin. And who can blame them? I love it, too! It’s a great alternative to the roasted turkey one might normally trot out for guests - although, I admit, the length of the guest list will likely be the deciding factor here. A poussin is a significantly smaller bird, after all, and as much as we might love the kitchen, sometimes we must be economical in our choices. Still, for a more intimate dinner party, you can’t go wrong with this dish! Although the Chasind typically cook poussin in a large pot over an open fire for an extended period of time, a similar effect can be achieved with any other cookware of suitable size and an oven. Marinating and basting the meat to keep it moist. That’s the secret to a meat so tender that it practically falls off the bone!

Gurgut Roast with Lowlander Spices and Mushroom Sauce

It was spring when I trudged through the Frostbacks on my way toward one of the many Avvar settlements that populate the area. As this is the time of year when the Avvar begin preparing for the following winter by smoking meat, pickling vegetables, and drying fruit, I thought it an ideal time to visit and observe. Unfortunately, springtime is also the gurgut’s mating season. As a result, I nearly discovered firsthand why travelers are advised to keep their distance from these brightly colored beasts. Luckily, a nearby group of Avvar hunters quickly came to my aid, and I was spared the indignity of beating at the beast with a ladle. In an expression of my thanks, I shared with them several jars of spices from home, which they happily accepted. These Lowlander spices are prized among the Avvar and often reserved for feasts are rare delicacies. What unparalleled good fortune, then, that I later had the opportunity to dine on the slain gurgut, now roasted and seasoned with the spices I had gifted, at the hunters’ hold.

Nug Pancakes

Although some see nugs only as pets, they are edible. In fact, nugs constitute a key part of dwarven cuisine, so much so that Varen, the first dwarf to attempt eating a nug - albeit out of desperation - became a paragon for his culinary discovery! I'd liken the flavor to a cross between pork and rabbit. Very tender, especially when roasted. But of all the nug-based dishes I've sampled, my favorite is still the nug pancakes (with nug-gets coming in a close second). I've noted down the recipe here and recommend you give it a try! Of course, if you cannot bring yourself to eat nug, other meats can be substituted in its place.

Fish in Salt Crust

The Avvar are generally rather utilitarian in their cooking methods - lots of stews, which I can hardly find fault with. But holds by lakes and rivers have a unique way of cooking fish. Instead of using a pan, they’ll wrap the fish in pungent leaves and salt, then leave it baking all day over banked coals. Like a stew, this method of preparation does not require constant attention. In addition, the salt helps keep moisture inside the fish, which turns the flesh creamy and tender. Plus, there’s a great deal of fun to be had when cracking the salt open! It adds a level of drama that I’m sure even the Orlesians would appreciate.

Roasted Wyvern

Having made their home in the inhospitable Frostbacks, the Avvar live on whatever they can glean from the land, hunting all manner of beasts, from harts and rams to large creatures like lurkers and gurguts - sometimes even wyverns! But take care! Although wyvern can be delicious, if they’re not prepared correctly, they’re devastatingly poisonous, a consequence of their venomous nature. I’ve made sure to include detailed instructions. I’m no Antivan Crow like Zevran Arainai, after all; the last thing I want is for anyone to be poisoned via dinner!

Nug Bacon and Egg Pie

Ever since I heard about Sister Leliana keeping a nug as a companion, I’ve desperately longed for a Schmooples of my own. Of course, as adorable as nugs are, allowing them anywhere near a fully stocked kitchen is a recipe for disaster. You’d think that after seeing Mum nearly lose her mind trying to keep the Hero of Ferelden’s mabari out of her larder, I’d be a touch more aware of the security of my own roasts. And yet…that cute face… Suffice it to say, I discovered firsthand just how voracious these little omnivores can be. These days, the closest thing to a nug in my house is this traditional Fereldan farmer’s pie.

Starkhaven Fish and Egg Pie

In some ways, this famous pie mirrors its namesake. Not only is it almost oval in shape, but it’s also stuffed to the brim with fish from the Minanter River, lending the impression that it, like the city of Starkhaven, sits perched upon the river’s bounty. But where the city is crowned with solid rings of tall, gray stone, this pie has a light, flaky crust that, I imagine, is far kinder on one’s teeth –not to mention, far tastier! As beautiful as Starkhaven is, with its lavish estates and fountains, I’d much rather take a bite of one of its pies instead. Of course, if Starkhaven’s prince were on offer as well… just kidding! I’d still take the pie. Given Sebastain Vael’s popularity, though, I might be alone in this decision.

Cacio e Pepe

A classic Antivan dish that graces the tables of both rich and poor alike. Composed of three pain ingredients – pasta, cheese, and pepper – cacio e pepe is delightfully simple. And yet, it is also very easy to get wrong, as I quickly discovered. The sauce must be smooth, not clumpy, a surprisingly tall ask when your tools are dry cheese and water. But do not despair! This skill, like all others, can be learned, and with a bit of practice, you too will be able to make a sauce that even the most scrutinizing of Antivan grandmothers can’t help but approve of. And let me tell you, that nod of approval is worth every ounce of struggle. So let me be the first to offer it to you, as Mum did for me when I was a child helping her in the kitchen: I’m so proud of you for persevering!

Turnip and Mutton Pie

I already know what you’re thinking. A Fereldan about to extol the virtues of turnips? Of course! They’re a wonderful little root vegetable, capable of being prepared any number of ways–whether boiled, stir-fried, roasted, steamed, or mashed–and even eaten raw! Although they certainly make a great addition to any stew, for now, I’d like to introduce you to the wonders of turnips in pies.

This particular pie is a classic Fereldan dish served at taverns across the kingdom. Tender chunks of lamb and turnip are enveloped in a buttery crust that, together, never fail to put a smile on my face. It doesn’t matter how cold or miserable the day is. None of that is any match for a belly full of warm, rich, turnipy goodness. Even just the smell alone is a comfort that no other food could ever hope to match. And although you could certainly evoke it by throwing a bushel of turnips into the fire, as Cole once did, I think putting them in a pie is a much tastier idea.

Smoked Ham from the Anderfels

Contrary to what the rumors (or perhaps just the importers) would have you believe, this ham does not taste of despair - whatever flavor that might be. Although the Anderfels are largely ill-suited for farming, pigs do surprisingly well there, in spite of the notoriously inhospitable climate. As a result, ham from the Anderfels is generous in size and, when glazed, makes for a delicious meal. In terms of glazes, my personal favorite is made from a combination of apples and apricots. However, I’ve heard that one glaze, in particular, made from wildflowers, can turn a smoked ham as hard as jade! Not at all suitable for eating, but I imagine it would pack quite the punch, especially in the hands of a warrior like Divine Victoria!

Roasted Turkey with Sides

If you're attending the Prince of Starkhaven's birthday celebration or any dinner party in the Free Marches, chances are, you'll find this feast waiting for you. The roasted turkey, cooked to golden-brown perfection, sits surrounded by a host of different sides, creating a picturesque scene that's certain to impress everyone lucky enough to secure an invite. Unsurprisingly, this culinary tableau is far from a quick-and-easy meal. The chef who prepared the rendition I enjoyed in Kirkwall informed me - after much persuasion - that the turkey alone took hours to prepare. Add a few sides, and there goes most of the day, especially if you don't have a full kitchen staff to assist you! Unfortunately, I discovered this the hard way when I later attempted to put this recipe into practice. By the time everything was properly cooked and ready, it was late into the evening - well past dinnertime, even in Antiva, where dinner is usually a late-night affair. So take my advice, and budget more time than you think you need. Also be sure to invite some friends! This is definitely a meal that's meant to be shared, which, in my opinion, makes it the best kind!

Sides

Sera’s Yummy Corn

This recipe is simple, yet strict. No wraps. No non-yellow corn. Peel halfway, then wash and cook; peel again, and eat. Personally I think other varieties of corn would work just fine - I agree with checking for rot, of course - but the suggestion was met with such disgust from Sera that, well, I couldn’t bring myself to try it. Also, while the original recipe advises acquiring the ingredients through less-than-honorable means, let me assure you that merchant-bought corn is absolutely fine. Friends of Red Jenny can, of course, pilfer a few ears from an undeserving noble, as usual.

Stuffed Vine Leaves

The first thing I did upon arriving in the Tevinter Imperium was head for the nearest tavern and order this classic Tevinter appetizer. These tender leaves are stuffed with rice, herbs, and sometimes minced meat. When topped with a bit of lemon juice and a dollop of tzatziki sauce, they’re sure to leave you in a state of bliss with just a single bite. In my case, I was so enchanted by the delicious flavors that I didn’t even notice the commotion outside! Apparently, there was a disagreement between a magister and another magister’s son - about what, I couldn’t say. After all, I was too busy eating!

Honey Carrots

In much the same way as the Inquisition is to the Inquisitor, a meal is more than just a main course. Sides form an equal part of the equation and deserve just as much care and attention as the dish they’re served alongside. It’s a lesson Mum taught me long ago and one I haven’t forgotten since. So of course, I noticed when this Orlesian staple made an appearance. It graced my table not once, not twice, but every single time I dined in Orlais. And while I enjoyed the traditional Orlesian rendition of this dish - which is on the sweeter side, thanks to a liberal application of honey - those who prefer a level of sweetness more in line with a carrot’s natural flavor should employ a lighter touch.

Nevarran Flat Bread and Yogurt Dip

There’s something supremely satisfying about a tall stack of Nevarran flat bread - and I don’t just mean in an aesthetic sense. Of course, being pleasing to the eye is certainly a consideration. This is a Nevarran dish, after all. But the process of being able to go from dough to ready-to-eat bread in minutes reaches a whole level of satisfaction on its own, especially if you’re used to waiting hours for a loaf to finish baking! Best off all, this bread can be eaten in a variety of different ways, whether on its own, brushed with oil, or as a vehicle for an assortment of dips. Personally, I’d love to try it with a good stew from home one day.

Sweet Delights

Blancmange

When translated literally from Orlesian, blancmange means “white eating,” which, I suppose, is pretty accurate. This dish is a white pudding made with either milk or heavy cream that’s been thickened. On its own, it possesses a relatively mild sweetness–particularly by Orlesian standards. But that’s because it’s generally served with various toppings, such as a red grape compote, to amplify the dish’s sweet flavors. The toppings are also a great way to decorate an otherwise plain-looking dessert. I’ve seen everything from designs composed of toasted almonds to ribbons of fresh mango. There’s really no limit to what you can do!

If you’re looking for a particularly elegant option, you need only turn to Lady Vivienne for guidance. After all, she’s the veritable queen of style, no matter the medium. When it comes to blancmange, her preferred arrangement remains true to the dish’s name, offering a pristine white-on-white tableau of white chocolate curls and whole jasmine flowers. The result is gorgeous on its own, but when served on a dark plate, it looks all the more stunning!

As stunning as that is, I prefer to add a cherry sauce to top the dish.

Poison Stings

Traveling is exhausting, as I’ve recently discovered. Even if you’re just sitting in a carriage, it can often feel like you’re walking every step of the way. Thankfully, I’m not the first to take long journeys across Thedas. Dorian Pavus traveled all the way from Tevinter to Ferelden in order to join the Inquisition - and rather quickly, at that! His secret? Chocolate-coated orange peels, colloquially known as poison stings. They’re sweet and sour, crunchy and chewy, and are certain to perk you right up whenever you’re starting to feel a bit worn down.

Dalish Forest Fruit Cobbler

Mum always knew there’s no greater comfort than a warm slice of cobbler - and the Dalish know it too! The first time I had a bite of this dessert, it was like sitting in Mum’s kitchen all over again, letting the simple pleasure of her baking wash away the day’s troubles. Hard to feel the sting of a skinned knee or a lost game when your belly is full of warm, gooey goodness, no? Although Mum usually made her cobblers with strawberries and rhubarb - only the stems, of course, as the leaves are poisonous - you can follow the Dalish’s lead and use whatever forest fruit is currently in season.

Dwarven Plum Jam

One of the great joys of this journey has been the sheer variety of foods I’ve encountered. However, there are certain places that, by nature of their climate or simply location, offer little in the way of choice when it comes to locally produced foods. The dwarven city of Orzammar is one such place.

Though it is underground, the city is by no means isolated, and trade with the surface has ensured that foods from above ground have soared to great heights of popularity below. Jam, particularly that made from plums, seems to be in especially high demand. The price, however, was enough to make my eyes water! It’s no surprise that only the wealthiest and most influential residents of Orzammar can afford it.

That’s not to say the rest of the city’s population is doomed to live in a jamless existence! While in Orzammar, I spoke to a local jam maker who, rather than purchase the jams directly from merchants, has opted to import only the individual components. They hope that, by making the actual preserves themselves, they can sell their product for a much more reasonable price. And the results, I dare say, were very sweet.

Sour Cherries in Cream

Imagine that you, like me, are at a dinner party in Orlais. You’ve just finished polishing off the second-to-last course, the latest in a long slew of extravagance, and you’re starting to realize that perhaps you overindulged earlier in the evening. But how could you not? The food was just so good. Now there’s only dessert left, and your stomach feels like it’s about to burst. At this point, you cannot imagine how you’ll manage to choke down whatever tower of sugar and cream awaits you in the kitchens. All you know is you have to. You cannot be rude to your host, after all. What a relief, then, when dessert finally arrives, and you’re presented with a small bowl filled with black cherries dressed in sweet cherry sauce and whipped cream. Evidently, even the Orlesians are sometimes in need of lighter fare. And so the night ends, with stomachs still intact and no offense caused. A happy ending for all!

Treviso Energy Balls

As a Fereldan, I’m no stranger to hardship. The Fifth Blight took much from us, but the darkspawn are hardly the sole cause of suffering in Thedas. Take Treviso, a port city in northern Antiva, for example: Treviso was captured and liberated several times during both the Qunari Wars and the New Exalted Marches. As you can imagine, during times of occupation, food was scarce, and those living in the city had to make do with the limited ingredients they still had. Of course, people can be remarkably creative, particularly in difficult times. You need only look to the work Anders did in his clinic in Darktown to know that much. And so the Treviso energy ball was born, combining peanut butter, oats, and dried fruit into a bite-sized treat that’s just bursting with energy! Perfect for when you’re out sabotaging weapon caches - or just taking a hike.

Rice Pudding

I assumed a mercenary would be paid in gold. But according to the second-in-command of the Bull’s Chargers, this is not always the case! One time, he, the Iron Bull, and five other Chargers defended a village from fifty bandits, an awe-inspiring feat by anyone’s measure. I certainly listened in slack-jawed amazement as Krem recounted the tale. How incredible they must have been! If only I could’ve seen it for myself. Ahem. In any case, once the bandits were defeated and it came time for the Chargers to collect on the payment they were owed, instead of receiving a sack of gold, they got several bags of rice. When I asked what they did with all this rice, Krem only shrugged and said, “When life gives you rice, make rice pudding.” I don’t believe truer words were ever spoken!

Goat Custard

You’ll find custards all across Thedas in a dizzying number of variations. I sourced this particular recipe from Rivain, where it has gained great popularity as a dessert. The custard is made from goat’s milk and studded with roasted figs to add a touch of sweetness to the dish’s overall richness. If you’d like to further enhance the dish’s sweet flavors, milk from the Ayesleigh gulabi goat can be used, as it boasts a natural sweetness that makes it prized by custard connoisseurs everywhere.

Baked Goods

Antivan Apple Grenade

It’s no secret that I delight in creative presentation when it comes to food. Whether it’s a crab cake designed to look like a crab or a dish featuring a fish peeking its head out of a pie, the extra touches are all certain to leave me clapping my hands with glee. Thankfully, this Antivan dessert nails it on both counts! Its name comes from the fact it resembles the fire grenades reportedly used by the Antivan Crows assassins - not just in shape, but also in heat! I discovered that part for myself the hard way, when I bit into the piping-hot apple at the center of these sweet pastry bundles with a touch too much enthusiasm.

Found Cake

The Hero of Ferelden’s mabari is very good at finding items. One time he even brought back a cake! As I understand it, the cake in question was a chocolate cream variety, topped with white frosting and fresh strawberries. Of course, I had to try my hand at reproducing it, and I think the results are sure to delight. I did, however, make the decision to omit the few flecks of drool that apparently clung to the original. As much as we love our mabari in Ferelden, I don’t think their spittle makes for a very appetizing ingredient. Not even Teyrn Loghain, who, I would argue, is far more tolerant of mabari drool than I, is liable to enjoy a cake that’s become intimately acquainted with the inside of a mabari’s mouth.

Varric’s Favorite Cinnamon Rolls

When you hear the tales of Thedas's heroes, what you don't always hear are the silly names Varric Tethras called them. Some of them more fitting - Blondie, Curly, Ruffles, Broody - and others a little more...ironic. Tiny? Chuckles? I can easily imagine his amusement at the exasperation of those around him, but that's Varric for you. He can disarm you with his humor and charm (or quite literally, through his spy network). I'll tell you a secret, though-I think he has a soft spot for the soft heroes. "Daisy" for Merrill, "Sunshine" for Bethany, "Kid" for Cole. I've even heard rumors that there was a kind, appeasing hero he called "Waffles". And "Waffles" is just on short step away from him calling someone a "Cinnamon Roll," which I've heard is one of his favorite sweets. (Some of those heroes would decidedly deserve that nickname, too.) I whipped up a batch of cinnamon rolls while thinking on it, and I believe they're the perfect treat to have while listening to him spin you a tale. Warm, sweet, comforting- the kind of treat not for listening to Hard in Hightown, but for hours spent reminiscing.

Croissants

The Orlesians certainly know how to make a good pastry! It’s no wonder Lady Vivienne starts off her day with one of these, the most well-known of all Orlesian pastries and, in my humble opinion, the most delicious. But, by Andraste, these little crescents are a lot of work to make! In order to achieve that wonderfully flaky texture croissants are known for, the dough is layered with butter and then rolled and folded several times over before being rolled into a thin sheet. It’s times like these when I wish I had a strong companion like the Iron Bull or Commander Cullen to take over the duties with the rolling pin. Anything to spare my arms the indignity of being reduced to limp noodles!

Cherry Cupcake

These delightful little cakes are decadence in bite-sized form, as pleasing to the eye as they are the tongue. Although they were served alongside other sweets, carried from one private box to the next by a servant on stilts at the Tevinter theater, I was so enchanted by the pink color that I barely noticed what else was on offer. It was only after I’d had a cupcake (or four) that I heard these tiny cakes were once used as a vehicle for deadly poisons! Thankfully, my cupcakes were poison free, and so is the recipe I now pass on to you.

Chocolate Cake

I didn’t have to travel very far to get my hands on this recipe. In fact, I didn’t need to travel at all! This cake is actually one of Mum’s recipes. She baked it for the first time on my tenth name-day, and it made for a sweet celebration that not another name-day passed without me begging for an encore. Thankfully, Mum was kind enough to indulge me, even though, more times than not, she already had her hands full with the Couslands’ meals. And so whenever I think about her love for me, this cake inevitably sits front and center in my mind. It therefore seems only fitting to include here.

Varric’s Favorite Pastries

Leave a plate of pastries, fresh from the oven, to cool on a windowsill, and you might soon find a certain member of House Tethras lurking nearby. It’s unsurprising, given that the man’s first thought when it came to renaming the Bone Pit was apparently “the pie fields.” I can’t blame him, of course. I, too, love a good pastry, whether it be biscuit, roll, or bun. And after an extensive consultation with the famed arbalist himself, I’ve put together this sample, which is sure to delight! But whether you choose to leave them within dwarf’s reach well, that is entirely up to you.

Sugar Cake

There’s often joy in simplicity, as illustrated by this humble cake, which is topped with a sweet mixture of butter, sugar, and almonds. I purchased one off a surface dwarf merchant who assured me that it would be well received by any companion. According to him, even the Hero of Ferelden purchased a few for this very purpose. Of course, for me, traveling alone, this cake isn’t as much a gift as it is a perfect pick-me-up after a long day of travel. But perhaps one day, I’ll have a beloved companion to bake this cake for.

Lamprey Cake

The lamprey is one of Thedas’s more unique-looking creatures, with its long, slender body and toothed, suction-cup mouth. It’s also one that’s seldom found in the kitchen. Unless, of course, the kitchen belongs to Lord Norbert de la Haine, whose fondness for pickled lampreys was just as unfortunate as his desire to conquer the Free Marches.

Given that Lord de la Haine’s tastes were rather singular, it’s better, I think, to bring the lamprey to the dinner table in spirit only. Rest assured, you’ll find none of its noxious flavors in this cake. I’ve limited myself to merely borrowing its shape.

Tevinter Pumpkin Bread

Granted, I didn’t need much tempting to visit Tevinter. After all, how else was I going to sample Dorian Pavus’s favorites? But if I did require some convincing, these wonderful treats would certainly do the trick! Best of all, because the ingredients are so limited, I can share this recipe with more people than ever - provided, of course, I don’t eat the whole pan myself.

Drinks

Lichen Ale

Deep underground, food is easily defined. So long as it’s edible and capable of being scavenged, it’ll eventually find its way into someone’s stomach. That being said, the surface dweller’s understanding of the word edible may not exactly align with that of an Orzammar dwarf. The best illustration of this is lichen ale, the drink of choice among the dwarves in Dust Town. Put simply, it is toxic, and I do mean that in the literal sense. In sufficient quantities, it can even overpower the heartiest of dwarven constitutions. As a result, the rest of us must approach this drink with caution. Although most can tolerate a few sips without issues, I think we’d all much rather enjoy a full glass of any beverage–particularly when we’ve made it ourselves. I, therefore, took it upon myself to devise my own rendition of lichen ale, using the dwarven recipe as a base. Now we can all enjoy the look and (most) of the flavors of the original without fear of poisoning ourselves in the process!

The Hissing Drake

During my visit to the Gilded Horn, I chanced upon a group of young men engaged in a contest of sorts. The goal? To drink as many Hissing Drakes as possible in quick succession, with the person who drank the most being crowned victor. Evidently, they’d already had a few drinks before the idea occurred to them, as no sober individual would dare down more than a single glass of the stuff at a time due to its fiery effects on the stomach. In fact, when it comes to ill-advised drinking contests, I’d say this one is a close second to the game Admiral Isabela once played, with participants drinking based on the number of enemies they had. Suffice it to say, that one killed a man. Thankfully, in this case, no one died. But I think the young men managed only two or three servings before they were forced to rush for the nearest balcony, where they were promptly divested of all their pride and bluster. I have no doubt that next time the urge to compete takes hold, they’ll follow my advice and choose a soothing Fereldan ale instead.

Hot Chocolate

Varric isn’t the only one who loves sweets. And, no, I’m not talking about myself; I’m talking about the Iron Bull! Hot chocolate is a particular favorite of his, to the point that it’s practically a necessity. Although the cocoa powder he swears by is sometimes difficult to find, it’s well worth the effort. Add hot milk and some Orlesian guimauves like the Iron Bull does, and you’ll have a drink that’s certain to please. Personally, I’m partial to topping it all off with a bit of whipped cream dusted with cinnamon, but there are many ways to dress up a cup of hot chocolate.

Antivan Sip-Sip

I was warned that this particular drink packs a bit of a bunch. More than “a bit,” I’ll say. Anyone capable of downing an entire glass of this is made of sterner stuff than I! I could scarcely manage more than a small sip each time I brought this to my lips - and that was with the added help of a tall glass of water! Perhaps that’s why it’s called a sip-sip - because each sip of it must be chased by a sip of something else.

Dragon Piss

I really hope the name is figurative. It probably is - or, at least, that’s what I’ll tell myself now that I’ve sampled this less-than-enticingly-named drink. Perhaps the name Dragon Breath would suit it better? After all, it certainly burns like a dragon’s breath - both in the glass and on the way down!

Rivaini Tea Blend

A cup of tea is often the perfect accompaniment for any sweet treat, although it can certainly be enjoyed on its own. Personally, I’d still prefer the added biscuit on the side. Not just because I like desserts–I do, of course–but because it’s great fun deciding which to pair with all the various blends.

When it comes to tea blends, the most famous is probably the classic Rivaini tea blend, a mixture of peppermint, lemon verbena, oregano, and licorice root. It’s a wonderfully soothing combination that’s said to have healing properties. In fact, I believe Empress Celene Valmont I of Orlais takes it throughout the day to alleviate headaches. Given how messy Orlesian politics are wont to be, with chevalier cousins vying for the throne and elven handmaids turned both spymaster and lover, I imagine there must be a pot of the stuff boiling at all times.

The Golden Nug

From the name, I expected this drink to be gold, but it’s actually pink! Evidently, inspiration was drawn from the living creature rather than the golden statue I passed in Haven (of which I’ve heard there is more than one). A base of white Seleney wine sweetened with a splash of West Hill Brandy dilutes the color of the pomegranate juice and mulled raspberries into a softer, pinkish hue. The goal is to imitate the color of a typical nug, after all, not a severely sunburnt one!

The Emerald Valley

The sisters of the Chantry truly make some marvelous creations - namely, the spirit used in this drink. Distilled from over seventy different herbs and flowers, it has a complex, varied flavor positively bursting with all the freshness of an emerald-green valley.

Chasind Sack Mead

After having sampled some Chasind Wildwine, I wasn’t surprised to learn that their mead is equally strong. Some might even call it brutal. For me, the flavors are almost poetic. First, there’s a nearly overwhelming rush of honey, tinged with the sour-sweetness of apple blossoms, that fills the mouth with all the bright warmth of a summer’s day. But as the initial sweetness fades, there comes an unexpected bitterness, reminiscent of the slow decay into fall, then winter. In essence, the turning of the seasons, all in a single cup - well, sack (although you can certainly fancy it up with a stunning decanter, as I’ve done here).

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archoniluthradanar · 6 months

Text

Frenemies

Frenemies : a Volturi guard snippets, showing Felix and Demetri are not the best of friends.

While fanfiction writers like to think of the two guards as best friends; they aren't.

"Master Aro called for me first this time, Demetri," Felix taunted the tracker of the coven, who was presumably the best tracker in the world.

"I don't see why. You lumber around like a bovine, and have the mind of one," Demetri hissed back.

"Humpf, tossing around university-level words. Just because I was a gladiator and never went to university..."

"A bovine is a cow, Felix. Hardly a university-level word," Demetri said, knowing he had struck a nerve.

"So I never worked on a farm. Still, I get to hold the robe," the tall vampire gloated.

"What, now you're the Cullen's fashion coordinator?"

"And you spend two hours working on your hair. YOUR HAIR! I'd be as wealthy as the masters if I just invested in hair gel stock."

"But I make it look good," the tracker replied, smirking at his fellow guard member.

"You make it look ridiculous," Felix retorted before he laughed.

"Shut up, Felix!"

"When we were in the elevator, you were totally scoping out the Cullens' human pet," Felix spoke his accusation aloud.

"I was not!" Demetri denied vehemently.

"What then, you were scoping out Edward Cullen?" Felix teased.

"Absolutely not!"

"I saw you looking in their direction." Felix smirked.

"Nope." Demetri refused to give Felix a glance.

"Well, you weren't looking at Alice Cullen. You should have. She's a sweet dish," Felix said, not without some admiration.

"I wasn't interested in the human or Alice Cullen," Demetri replied, trying to sound bored.

"And you spoke to her. We're never to speak to humans, as per Master Aro's orders."

"I only said..."

"Then Jane put you in your place, didn't she," Felix laughed. " 'Or dessert', she said, after you told the human Gianna would be changed. Little Jane correcting the big bad tracker."

"Shut up, Felix."

Felix stepped on Demetri's heel, trying to get him to trip. "Going to make me dessert, Dem?"

"Shut up, Felix!"

Demetri turned to the right to see the tall guard on his knees in pain. It was all the tracker could do to hold in his laughter. So who put whom in whose place?

"Shut up, Felix," Demetri said, rolling his eyes while Felix screamed in agony.

"At least I impress the Cullens with my clothing. Your pants could use a tailor. Sloppy, Felix, sloppy."

Felix looked down at his bunched up slacks. As tall as he was, his slacks were too long. "Delusional, Demetri, to think they were looking at your clothes. You're just a fashion queen. Everyone knows it, Poser"

"Shut up, Felix."

After destroying Toshiro....

"Hey, Felix."

"Yes, Demetri."

"I know I talk a lot."

"Yes, you do."

"What I mean to say is..."

"Yeah, me too, Demetri."

#the volturi #volturi guard #felix volturi #demetri #frenemies

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floareadeaur · 1 month

Note

Hii, I have a question about Rigr and Urd! How do you feel about Rigr and Urd resolving their “sibling” issues? I feel like the author breezed past Urd and Rigr’s problems way too fast. I think Kagami should’ve gone more in-depth on their emotions due to them being distant for so long. Recently, in these chapters I’m kind of disappointed that Urd has just been following along with Rigr’s plans without any retaliation. I feel like they deserved more serious/intense moments towards each other compared to what we have seen so far. What do you think?🤔 😁

Hello!

This is an interesting question. Thank you very much for trusting me to ask this.

I understand what you are saying, yes. But, I still think that the author wants to convey a certain message by the way he presented their brotherly relationship, something important about both of them.

To explain my interpretation and answer your question as clearly as possible, we must begin by pointing out what the problem was between Rígr and Urd.

Why Rígr left, why Urd is angry with him.

" The hell you are!

I refuse to allow you to leave! "

"You'll stay...

...Rígr."

It is very clear that Urd's wish was for his brother to be with him. Indeed, it did not matter what they did: that they kept the order of vampire society, that they guarded the world, or that they raised cows on a farm (which is not a bad idea at all), what mattered to Urd was not what he did with Rígr, but for his brother to be by his side regardless.

I emphasize this very much, especially since their origin as souls shows it.

Bael, the original reincarnation of Urd, effectively committed suicide, choosing to live in Hell only to be with Paimon, his brother.

Through suicide, Bael condemned himself to live as a soul on earth, in this prison system, of hell, as I said.

This proves what I am saying, that for Urd it does not matter what happens around, what he does, what Rígr does. He can actually live in Hell. His only wish is for his brother to be by his side.

Because Rígr represents his stability, his family, his security. That is how far Urd's devotion to Rígr goes. That is how he is as a person, as a soul.

This is the reason why I do not find it forced, or strange, that Urd chose to welcome Rígr back, or follow his plan. Because, again, what upset him was his brother's departure. If the brother returns and his desire is to have the brother by his side, is it not natural to welcome him back?

I am sure Urd was waiting for Rígr and that he would have accepted him back anytime. He just wants to have his brother by his side.

Furthermore, Urd knows well, very well why Rígr left. It is not an unrealistic or selfish reason in the middle. Yes, it is about Sika's abandonment, Rígr's trauma of being abandoned. But more than that, Rígr become aware of some objectively true aspects of their world. Sika's abandonment lets him see these realities.

That all is just an illusion.

More importantly, the world Sika gave them to protect is a broken one.

Look here, as Rígr says that he and Urd were forced to vow that they will guard the world. An already rotten, broken, cursed world.

That is why Rígr says that the world has already been destroyed enough.

And his whole plan of a thousand years is not just his attempt to be recognized by Sika, but actually a fight to protect this broken world against Sika.

Why am I saying this?

Because if Rígr did not leave and create the Hyakuya Sect, the world would be totally destroyed right now. The apocalypse was happening anyway for Sika's plan, for Mikaela's resurrection. All humans were dying, all vampires were dying for it. Everything was ending.

But Rígr fought back against this world-destroying trajectory.

Guren, Mahiru, Shinoa, Yuichiro, including Ferid, are all results of his plan to fight back against the total destruction that Sika wanted to bring upon the world.

And if you ask me, I am sure it was traumatic for Rígr, who was only a young man (actually in the novel it is said he is around 19-20 physically) to be subjected, forced to protect a world already destroyed.

Especially since Rígr sees reality very well, its lack of meaning. He is an idealist. And his way of loving is to try to create a good world for his loved ones.

Exactly what he is currently doing.

Exactly what he is saying here, that everything is an attempt to protect the world.

In fact, to make a better world for his loved ones.

Here comes the contrast between Urd and Rígr.

Urd is the type of person who shows his love by actually being around his loved ones, even if the world around them is hell. And Rígr is the one who gives his all to create a better world for his loved ones, an ideal world with meaning, to save them from that Hell.

To me, no perspective is better than the other. The way they both feel is valid.

That is why I consider it natural the way their reconciliation took place.

Basically, Urd is glad to have his brother by his side. He understands what his brother wants to do, he respects Rígr.

" You needn't do it alone.

We'll protect world order together. "

And Rígr finally has someone to share the burden of changing the world for the better.

Now, if I am still analyzing, I would also mention the similarity between Rígr and Ferid.

They are both idealists, who see the meaningless reality of the broken world they live in, and give everything to change it. Not related to your question. But I think that is one reason why they got attached to each other, because they have the same way of thinking and feeling. And perhaps one of the reasons why Urd seems to reject Ferid. For he reminds him of his brother's mentality that led to their separation.

I could elaborate a lot on this, but I will stop here. Maybe I will write an analysis about the similarities between Rígr and Ferid, if anyone is interested.

Back to our analysis now…

As I said, Urd was furious about his brother's leaving. All he ever wanted was for Rígr to be by his side no matter what they did. He knows why Rígr left, that he wants to create a "better world" including for him. He knows that this is his brother, that this is Rígr's nature.

Furthermore, Rígr's forgiveness from Urd in chapter 114, comes after Rígr held Sika accountable for the mess he brought to everyone. This is just confirmation that Rígr is fighting for Urd, for vampires, for normality, in fact, that he cares.

For this reason, I think the Urd's forgiveness of Rígr is quite natural.

His brother whose presence he always wanted is back and now he can help him with his useful plan to save what is left of the world, to give everyone an honorable, meaningful ending.

Perhaps Urd has waited a thousand years to be able to help his brother and now he has the opportunity to do so.

Now, I think there are some communication issues between the two. Both are very emotionally closed people.

Still, what is admirable from my perspective is the fact that they really know each other, they know what is in each other's soul, and I think that is precisely why the long time they were separated does not matter. Because they know what is in each other's heart and their brotherly love is genuine. One that transcends any distance of time, or external conflicts, and I think the author has shown this well about them.

That is for now. More can be discussed about their bond. I think the way everything was portrayed shows the essence of each of them well.

I am open to feedback. Elaborate, if you wish, on how you feel it would have been better for their emotions to be highlighted. It would be fascinating to read such an opinion.

And maybe what you are saying, though, has to do with the lack of inner monologues in the manga. This is a deliberate decision by the author. It is something that Kagami decided from the beginning not to offer and maybe that is why, especially in the case of emotionally closed characters (like the two wonderful brothers we are talking about ), a re-reading of the scenes and a deep analysis of the whole picture is necessary to understand the context well.

This is what I think.

Thank you again for your trust. I feel like I wrote chaotically again, but I hope my answer was at least a little helpful!

Thanks for reading and have a good day to whoever finds this post!

#urd geales #rigr stafford #saito #ferid bathory #owari no seraph #seraph of the end #ons #sote #rigr stafford analysis #urd geales analysis

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marisoft-paint-adventures · 1 year

Text

Pgs. 446 - 613

jumpscare.

YOU.

You start thrashing up stunts something uncannybrutal on your quest for "MAD SNACKS YO" and get this way rude hunger under control. Shit is basically flying off the hook. It's like shit wants nothing to do with that hook. The hook is dead to that shit.

I remember when Skate was the punching bag of the internet.

he’s so lame.

Your BRO's computer is password protected of course to protect all the incredible top secret shit he's got on the burners. Of course you know what the password is, and he knows you know it, and you're both cool with that because the password is the most awesome thing it can be.

what is it.

this is the most important mystery in all of Homestuck that is never answered, what the fuck is his password.

I know multiple people who have a desktop that looks just like this.

also Delirious Biznasty.

Complete Bullshit is my favorite weird parody thing Hussie puts in because I know many content aggregators that were as fucking unusable as this, and you would just put page after page of shit because you wanted all of your funny little things in 1 site.

it’s a really good, general spit take on the internet, that does not name any CURRENT or RELEVANT BRANDS of SOCIAL MEDIA that MAY OR MAY NOT DATE THE COMIC and also COME OFF AS FUCKING STUPID.

anyways.

Your BRO keeps up with your projects in his aggregator, just like you keep up with his. He's tuned into your various blogs, and of course SWEET BRO AND HELLA JEFF.

I like the little detail of the 2 Striders keeping up on each other’s work in their bro rival irony shitcore thing.

oh god here we go.

there’s a lot of signs that Hussie was indeed a forum guy, the general humor, the unabashed shitting on other people’s work, the focus on, well, forums, all that jazz. but this really signals that status to me, this weird and esoteric fetish site that burns your eyeballs. because the age old tradition of a forum user is to find and laugh at obscure fetishes discovered in the depths of the internet, like discovering that guy on DeviantArt who made an image of Joker about to drink the ocean water, shit like that is the lifeblood of forum humor. to see how accurate this mock porn site is, speaks volumes about where Hussie was online.

now, I say shit about obscure fetishes, but...

SMUPPETS are a multi-billion dollar a year enterprise, and it's awfully hard to resist taking a firm squeeze from the plump udder of that cash cow.

honest to god the funniest fucking detail to ever exist surrounding Bro, there is enough people in this world to fund the Smut Puppet empire, worth billions, but also this fucking guy lives in TEXAS, in a SHITTY BRICK APARTMENT, and just eats TAKEOUT all day in his fucking disaster of a room. he just uses none of the money I guess.

It's not unfair to suspect the regulars who frequent the little chat box on plushrump.com are just chatbots that bro programmed to talk to each other about puppet smut, to help lure curious visitors into the squishy fold of expensive platinum memberships and such.

I want to consider this canon solely because it feels like a peak Dirk thing to do to make realistic AI that only just get off digitally to weird shit like puppets.

You know this is ironic and all, and your BRO reaches echelons of irony you could only dream of daring to fathom. But on rare occasions, when your guard is down, it all seems just a tad unsettling to you.

NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE.

fear.

true fear.

I like how Dave’s 1st way of responding to the Puppet Realizations is to just constantly chat to everyone about how cool they are and not totally living nightmare creatures.

TG: hey what is up TG: what happened with the monster that is totally definitely in your room did you kill it TG: where are you man TG: anyway TG: things are cool here TG: totally cool TG: puppets are still awesome TG: no problems with them or anything TG: like TG: just TG: really really awesome

just “PUPPETS ARE SO DAMN COOL!!! I LOVE PUPPETS!!! SO AWESOME!!!” as he is internally seething like no tomorrow.

Cringe Ass iPhone User.

ok we revisit that conversation where Rose talks about visiting the puppet porn sites and there’s commentary but...

Rose likes bro's puppet porn sites. It's almost like they would have similar styles and would get along pretty well if bro was her age. Oh well, that's the end of that fruitless hypothetical reverie.

THAT DOESN’T TELL ME ANYTHING, HUSSIE.

WHY DID SHE GO TO THE SITES, HUSSIE.

WHAT DID SHE MEAN BY THAT????

murderous intent.

imagine you’re in your suburban American house and next door you hear some fucking child just screaming next door about cakes and clowns and shit, imagine that and you have now known what it’s like to be neighbors to the Egberts.

yeah I’m a bit of a gamer.

he’s SO SAD, augh.

girl’s so silly, girl’s so silly.

EB: did you know he thinks puppets are cool? TT: Does he? EB: he's so dumb!!

John you are unaware of horrors beyond your imagination.

die.

FUCKING BEATDOWN BABY YEAAAH!!!

I’m a big fan of John going hog fucking wild on these imps and then WV is just like “good morrow fine sire Johnathan!”

fuck yes, fridge wins the game.

dumbass.

he eats books, this is important to the plot, you need to know this.

oh shit it’s THE puppet pesterlog.

TG: ok wait hold on why am i getting this stupid game for you TG: youre the one who should be wrist deep in puppet ass TT: What is the specific problem? TG: the problem is i am up to my goddamn neck in fucking puppet dong TT: You know you like the mannequin dick. Accept it. TG: i am enrobed in chafing, wriggling god fucking damned puppet pelvis TG: an obscenely long, coarse kermit cock is being dragged across my anguished face TT: Let's put this into perspective. You put up with the puppet prostate because you love it. TT: Also, coarse is a good word. TG: you dont seem to harbor any sympathy for the fact that ive burrowed fuck deep into lively, fluffy muppet buttock TG: im whirling in the terrible cyclone at the epicenter of my own personal holocaust of twitching foam noses TG: its like a fucking apocalypse of perky proboscis here TG: like TG: the proboscalypse i guess TT: Are you going to start rapping about this? TG: what no TG: no listen TT: Prong of flesh bereft of home TT: Found solace 'twixt a cleft of foam. TG: no oh jesus TT: Of apocalypse your thoughts eclipse TT: A painted pair of parted lips TT: That dare through kiss to stir the air TT: That teases tufts of orange hair. TT: And though faces flush in lovers' fits, TT: Hands snug in plush as gloves befit. TG: ok dickinson if you can shut your perfumey trap for a half second TG: this is serious TG: i am just saying TG: if i see one more soft bulbous bottom being like TG: kind of jutting out and impudent or whatever TG: im gonna fly off the handle TG: im gonna do some sort of acrobatic fucking PIROUETTE off the handle and win like a medal or some shit TT: Then let's hope there will be a squishy derriere somewhere below the handle to break your fall.

truly iconic words never spoken any better. I have no idea how Hussie said any of this on the fly in real life before plopping it in this comic.

GET IT??? IT’S A CAPTCHALOGUE CARD BECAUSE IT HAS A CAPTCHA ON THE BACK!!!!

I love how Hussie planned out an entire cipher for punch card patterns, like a crazy person.

KILL.

TG: PUPPETS TG: AWESOME TG: THATS REALLY ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER

-- turntechGodhead [TG] changed his mood to RANCOROUS--

this is ominous, he is fucking fuming.

this is an amazing panel and I will hang this up on the wall.

this is the 1st instance of the guardians being knowledgeable of the events of Sburb, except this one doesn’t really go anywhere because Dad doesn’t really do anything involving it, so it’s just kind of weird.

I enjoy the implication that Dad fully expected John to just fucking deadlift a safe in a showcase of pure Man-Ness.

fuck this hat.

your racism levels are increasing!!!!

the tub is not racist, it levels up in uh

clean.

and such is the best part of this object leveling gag.

fucking Vaulthalla.

HELP HIM! HE’S GOING TO FALL!!!

AND THE BIG MAN IS HERE!!! HOW WILL HE SURVIVE????

the inhuman Strider ability of flashstepping is observed.

oh my god it’s the Muppet Babies comic.

Cheerfulbear Play With Me is genuinely some of the funniest shit I have ever read, this strip alone is pure genius, the fucking zoomed in Kermit Billy with the cutoff text always gets me.

Ok, some of this stuff you KNOW he's just leaving around to get under your skin. This is obviously another ploy in his relentless siege of one-upsmanship to get your goat (the same goat you've been meaning to bleat like ironically, but that will still have to wait for a more appropriate time). You think he knows that deep down you feel like you're still not ironic enough to get stuff like this, and this is probably some weird gauntlet he's throwing down to see if you will "GET IT". But honestly you think this material is just a little TOO ironic. You just don't need to see this shit right now.

Bro Strider might be the only man on Earth who has successfully committed psychological warfare via puppets.

trying to fucking microwave my pizza but I cut myself on the inconveniently placed BATARANG on the counter.

You spot one of your BRO'S many WEBCAMS nearby, recording the incident. It seems you may have just been an unwitting accessory to some sort of grisly puppet snuff film. You're not totally sure how you feel about that.

how much did Bro pay the FBI to not swat his shitbox apartment for creation of Not So Good Content.

Game Over. (Saw Reference. (Reference To The Movie Saw. (The Movie.)))

now imagine a world where the Buster Sword was used to alchemize, the possibilities, endless.

See, like, his hobbies are cool and all, and you guess he's got to put his shit SOMEWHERE. But what if you just wanted to heat up a burrito or something? This kitchen is pretty much useless.

circling back to the puppet industry, billions of dollars earned, everyone in the house eats reheated shit like takeout and frozen meals. truly dining like kings.

It would have been badass to go with the authentic Japanese names for each weapon, but sometimes you've just got to compromise with this modus.

WEEB!

creature.

Oh god more shitty swords. Of course you knew these were in here. You're not even sure why you looked. If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.

ok can I just say that malnourished Dave is 1 of the weirdest headcanons I’ve seen out of this fandom.

like, you can take the abusive Bro angle anywhere and extrapolate it from a lot of early writing, but the “ im a starving child starving to death” one is where I am just left confused. I saw him talk about eating a burrito, you saw him talk about eating a burrito, he uses the microwave to consume, there is a kitchen that is used as best as it can for food despite the fucking BUSTER SWORD there, he even refuses to eat fuckin carrots as a baby. man’s entire diet must consist of dried ramen, Hungry Man steaks, and reheated pizza.

which is still a terrible way to feed your kid, give that little man a fucking apple or something, but I feel that’s a world’s difference from Dave Strider Is Malnourished.

yeah he does hide the food away but I feel like that was supposed to be a part of Bro’s, uh, bro-ness, by that I mean the general extreme brother rivalry going on.

if you’ve grown up with siblings, you know exactly what I mean, they steal ALL OF YOUR FUCKING FOOD, all the time. to the point where you have to strategically place shit so you can be sure that no one else can touch your fuckin sacred frozen pizza slice.

I haven’t even mentioned the fact that Swords In The Fridge probably violates several safety codes at once just for existing. then again hammering fathers and stabbing mothers are the ordinary.

little boy rampaging killing puppet men in fury.

It's the hatch to the crawlspace above your apartment. BRO'S always tucking away in there when he's busting out his rad stealth stunts. He's so slick that dangling cord never even jostles. You just know he's being ironic with these weird mind games. There's no way anyone could be serious about aping those shitty movies.

HEY!

SAW’S GOOD!

the 1st one.

It is time to face your destiny. No going back now.

it is time to beat the shit out of my brother.

aw FUCK.

he is full of fury.

also good to know the puppet ass conversation was happening while he was literally covered in puppet ass.

I wonder how bro hung that there, unassisted? Wait, that's a dumb thing to wonder. He just held the paper in position, then let go of it and flashstepped at warp speed backwards, and threw that batarang at it before the note could fall even a single nanometer.

he’s so cool.

moral: sometimes, Dave is cool.

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whump-card · 4 months

Text

Forged Divinity Chapter 2: Phineas Kills Some Bandits

1292 words

CW: institutionalized slavery, religious themes, gun violence, knife violence, murder, noncon kiss

Previous, Masterlist, Next

~~~

Exodus 21:24

Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

~~~

“If you were going to steal me anyway, why not do it outright?”

The sun was rising, filtering through the dense trees and a smattering of clouds, and with it came the Iowan’s confidence. Phineas and Leannan had been walking for about half an hour before Leannan started asking questions.

“You could have shot the merchant as soon as you saw me, couldn’t you?”

Finally losing patience, Phineas stopped and turned to look at Leannan.

“I don’t have to explain shit to you.”

Leannan shook his head, looking suitably cowed.

“Of course not, Phineas. I’m sorry, Phineas.”

Phineas narrowed their eyes, considering.

“Iowans are sworn to secrecy, right?”

Leannan nodded eagerly.

“It’s a sacred vow. We cannot share any secrets that anyone tells us.”

“What happens if you do?”

“God happens,” Leannan said simply, “He brings down divine retribution.”

Phineas turned their head away to roll their eyes. Unlike most people, they didn’t believe in God, and they were skeptical of the reasons behind the Great Fall, the executions, the burnings. But if it made the Iowan more obedient, they weren’t about to disparage his faith. They’d play along.

“Aright,” Phineas rolled their shoulders, “I didn’t shoot her with my gun because I carry a bigass gun everywhere. Too obvious. I left someone else’s calling card. Someone who deserves some trouble.”

“Why carry a gun if you can never use it?”

“Did I say that? I don’t think I fuckin’ said that.”

“Yes, Phineas, sorry, Phineas.”

“Shut up and walk.” Phineas picked up the pace again, and Leannan was left with no choice but to follow.

~~~

Phineas halted when they reached the edge of an ancient superhighway. It stretched out, wide and cracked, scattered with weeds and small, struggling trees. To their right it extended southward, and but to the left it was interrupted by a hulking mass spanning its width.

“What’s that?” Leannan breathed, with genuine curiosity.

“The Dead Blockade,” Phineas explained, “It was a border, a long time ago.”

Once just a building accompanied by covered lanes, the checkpoint had been added on to over the years – reinforcements of sheet metal, tanks, spiked barriers and cinderblock walls. It was all being eaten away by the elements now, and looked grainy and ragged, overgrown with kudzu.

“It’s no man’s land now,” Phineas continued, “It doesn’t guard anything – but sometimes bandits camp it out and try to extract a toll.”

Phineas took off their rifle and backpack, crouching down and unfolding the gun’s bipod legs. They set it down aimed towards the blockade, getting down on their stomach and putting their eye to the little telescope that rode atop the weapon.

Silence stretched, and Leannan shifted nervously from foot to foot. Then Phineas finally spoke.

“Jes, I see the fuckers,” they said, “Get down and cover your ears.” They retrieved a pair of protective headphones from their backpack and put them on.

Leannan hunkered down, pressing his hands over his ears. He had never seen a gun in action before, much less one being prepared to shoot. He watched as Phineas performed near-ritualistic actions, sliding levers and attaching pieces from the side pockets of their backpack before finally settling again onto their stomach, their eye to the sights.

For much longer than Leannan was comfortable with, nothing happened. Phineas barely moved a muscle.

When the gun did go off, even with his ears covered, it was one of the loudest things Leannan had ever heard. It sent a shock down to his core, and he couldn’t help but tremble. Phineas, on the other hand, remained as cool as a cucumber; they moved a lever up, back, then forward and down; a moment later, they fired again.

Phineas fired four shots total, each one making Leannan nearly jump out of his skin. After the fourth shot Phineas sat still for a long time, each second that ticked by making Leannan’s anticipation of the next shot worse. But a fifth shot never came, and eventually Phineas sat up from the ground and began performing their weapon’s ritual in reverse.

“You got them all?” Leannan asked as soon as Phineas took their headphones off.

“As far as I can tell,” Phineas replied, hoisting their backpack and rifle onto their shoulders, “Still need to be careful.”

The two of them approached the Dead Blockade, eyes darting to every shadow, every vine that rustled in the wind.

“Stay close to me,” Phineas ordered, drawing a large knife from their belt as they moved into a narrow passage through the barrier. Phineas emerged from the other side and walked a few steps, detecting nothing.

“I think…”

“Drop your weapons!” someone screeched. Leannan cried out.

Phineas spun to see a scruffy bandit standing behind Leannan, one hand gripping the Iowan’s curls and the other holding a knifepoint to the side of his throat. Leannan was a picture of terror, his raised hands trembling and his throat bobbing.

Phineas sighed. If it were them, if they’d been alone, they would have twisted out of the bandit’s grasp and dispatched them already. But now they had this… thing tagging along, making everything complicated. It had better be worth the payout.

“What do you want, bandito?”

“You killed my friends!” the bandit shouted, swinging the knife out briefly to point at Phineas, scraping Leannan’s neck in the process, “Monster!”

“Jes, jes, what do you want?” Phineas asked impatiently.

“I want – I want…” The bandit’s eyes darted around wildly before settling on the bead of blood building on Leannan’s neck. “The fuck?”

It was not the expected bright crimson, but instead a dark maroon. The bandit pulled Leannan’s head down to the side to expose the injury better.

“Phineas…” Leannan whimpered.

“Holy shit,” the bandit breathed, “You’re one of those magic whores. Holy shit!” His eyes snapped back up to Phineas. “You just start walking! Start walking, and keep walking! Holy shit…” Unable to resist, he turned his attention back to Leannan, licking a long line up the side of the Iowan’s bloody neck.

Phineas threw their knife.

Leannan let out a short scream as the knife thunked into the eye socket of the bandit. The bandit’s own knife dropped to the ground as he released it and Leannan’s hair, his hands groping his face as he stumbled backwards one, two steps before collapsing onto the cracked pavement.

Leannan spun to watch, pressing one hand to his mouth and crossing himself with the other. Once the bandit was still, he turned on Phineas.

“You could have hit me, asshole!”

Phineas smirked.

“But I didn’t, did I.”

Leannan sputtered as Phineas walked over and pulled their knife out of the bandit’s head, wiping the blade on the corpse’s shirt.

“I bet these guys have sleeping bags you can take,” they said, “Let’s find their camp.”

“I don’t want someone else’s dirty old sleeping bag!” Leannan raised his voice, finally snapping, “I’m not made to live like this! I’m not made to rough it in the wilderness! You need to sell me to someone with an actual goddamn house!”

“Oh, believe me, that’s the plan.” Phineas moved in close to Leannan, catching his jaw before he could move away. They lifted his chin, inspecting the scrape.

“You should clean that. Who knows where that guy’s been.”

“I’m immune to most diseases and infections, remember?” Leannan grumbled.

“Handy, that.” Phineas’ grip became bruisingly tight, and they leaned in and kissed Leannan on the mouth. Leannan made a small noise, but didn’t push them away. When Phineas released him and stepped back, he stared at them questioningly.

“I like you better when you’re feisty,” Phineas explained, “And what can I say?” they sheathed their knife and spread their hands wide with a crooked smile, “Killing people turns me on.”

~~~

Previous, Masterlist, Next

Taglist: @angst-after-dark, @sunshiline-writes, @flowersarefreetherapy, @thecyrulik

Let me know if you want on or off the taglist!

#whump #whump fic #whump writing #forged divinity #cw slavery #cw religion #cw gun violence #cw knife violence #cw murder #cw noncon kiss

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total-drama-takes-takes-2 · 7 months

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tta episode 12

“Last time, on Total Takes Action: the four final players competed in an all-out western challenge… an all-outback western, that is! From kangaroo wrangling to outback cow herding to giant, man-eating spiders, this was the real-ish deal! Scruffy overcompensated for their failing love life, but it was Peter who saved the day, and a sick Scary who took the fall. Who will survive this episode? And who will be eaten? Find out now, on Total! Takes! Action!”

The final three stand in a line outside the craft services tent while Chris sits in a director’s chair in front of them, his legs crossed and his eyes studying them intently.

It’s been some time now, as evident by the beads of sweat on O’s forehead and the twitchy movements Peter keeps making out of nervousness. Finally, the host clears his throat.

“So, I’m sure you’re all wondering why you’re out here,”

“Yes!” All three say in unison. Chris chuckles.

“Today is the penultimate challenge- three players enter, two players leave! And you dudes have a lot riding on this- one million dollars is nothing to brush off,”

“I don’t care about the money!” Scruffy pipes up. They look exhausted.

Chris rolls his eyes. “Much like yesterday, today’s challenge is inspired by another popular subgenre of western- the science fiction kind!”

“Running out of ideas?” O asks, crossing his arms. Chris glares and pulls out a futuristic looking taser gun, then stuns him. He falls to the ground with a thud. Peter and Scruffy stare.

“That’s better. Anyway, today is going to be an all-out… LASER TAG EXTRAVAGANZA! That’s right, it’s every man and Scruffy for themselves on a souped-up race to the finish line. The first two players to reach that line secure themselves a spot in the finale- the last will go home. Across the set, there are various… um, roadblocks that will stop at nothing to tag you out with one of these babies,” Chris says, pulling a few large laser guns out of nowhere. He tosses one to each contestant- a neon green one for Scruffy, a white one for Peter, and an orange one that lands on the ground next to O. “Not to mention your fellow campers- if you get tagged out, you’ll be sent to our brand new…. Cactus Pit! For about fifteen minutes.”

“Cactus pit?!” Peter asks.

“Yeah, we couldn’t think of another way to incorporate the western theme without importing more sand,” Chris chuckles. “Go meet Chef in the craft services tent to get geared up and meet me back out here in five!”

---

Scruffy straps a large, futuristic-looking chrome vest to their chest and slides on knee and elbow guards while Peter watches on from afar. O is just now recovering from the stun gun, though his legs are still partially frozen as he slides on the metallic shorts provided with the outfit.

“You feelin’ alright, little guy?” O asks, fastening the vest buckles. “Need any help today?”

Peter turns back. “No, I’ll be okay. If I can survive a heart-to-heart with Scary, I can survive anything, right?” he chuckles to himself. “Thanks for the offer, though. Good luck!”

Peter jogs outside, leaving a slightly despondent O behind.

---

O: “Well, I guess I’m not needed anymore. Good-bye, friendship!”

---

Scruffy whistles the show theme song under their breath while bouncing their gun in their hands. They seem… oddly relaxed. Confident, even.

---

SCRUFFY: “I’ve been training for this all season- an obstacle course? Every man for himself? Dangerous threats along the way?! This is perfect- finally, a chance to prove myself,” they put on their safety goggles and then blow a kiss at the screen. “Wish me luck, Jules!”

---

Chris paces back and forth in front of the geared-up contestants, snacking on a Slim Jim very loudly and reading the paper. He turns. “Oh, right. We’re still doing this. Okay, gang, you ready?”

The campers look between each other, then nod.

Chris pops in a pair of earbuds, then pulls out an air horn and blows it, forcing the final three to duck and cover their ears before they can actually start moving.

“GO!”

Peter starts off first, jogging towards the city set as a heavy fog rolls in, misting the set and making everything but the fluorescent lights of the other players impossible to see.

O follows Peter, looking around before colliding face-first into a brick wall. “Yeowch!”

A nearby clicking sound and a shower of white light greets O on his left side, and Peter emerges from the fog, holding up his gun. “Who goes there?”

“Woah, truce, truce!” O sets down his own weapon and puts up his hands. “I wanted to talk.”

The much shorter player lowers his gun and blinks. “About what?”

“I think we should stay in an alliance,” he says. His own orange getup casts a warm glow in the fog. “Scruffy has a super unfair advantage over both of us, and if we stick together, we might be able to make it to the final two! Wouldn’t you wanna be in the final two with me?”

Peter thinks for a moment. “Huh… yeah, I guess that’d be fun. Friends in the final two…”

“Right! Friends!”

He smiles and holds out a hand, which O gladly accepts. “Truce,”

“Truce!” O shakes it confidently.

---

Scruffy stalks through the fog on the forested set, the fake trees casting a dark glow over them. They’re crouching, close to the ground, crawling between plastic ferns and foam rocks, somersaulting into hollow logs and watching the entire scene with suspicious eyes. Their tactic is clearly trained to perfection, so when a shadowy figure dashes behind them in the background, they’re already prepared.

Scruffy whips around and fires his laser gun, and a cartoony “pew” sound effect lights up someone’s vest red.

Chef sighs and walks out of the shadows, dressed as a StormTrooper in a laser tag vest. He grumbles. “This wasn’t in my contract,” and he walks off. Scruffy pumps their fist.

---

O and Peter walk casually down the middle of the road on the western set, aiming at random cacti and tumbleweeds to practice shooting.

O holds up his gun and fires at a moving cardboard road runner, the red laser dot directly on its side. It, of course, does nothing but light up the set piece for a brief moment. But Peter is impressed nonetheless.

“Wow, you’ve got a good shot,” he says.

O lowers the gun. “Thanks. Michela taught me how to aim,”

“Were you guys close? While she was here, I mean,”

“Uh, kinda. I thought so. But then Max came back and she didn’t need me around anymore, I served my purpose,”

Peter raises an eyebrow. “What does that mean?”

“Well, you know. I did my job! And she got better, so she moved on, right?” O says, aiming the gun at a saloon sign. “That’s how this stuff works.”

“Friendships? I don’t think so,” Peter says. “They’re not… transactional. I mean, they can be, but like me and Scary- I would consider us friends now,” he pauses. “Don’t tell her I said that, though.”

“You and Scary? What could you have to offer her?”

“My time, my care. My patience. And she helped me out too, in return, and even though she’s gone, we’re still friends-ish. Same with Al,” Peter continues. “Friendships shouldn’t end after you give them something. I had to learn that the hard way. I’m sure if you talked to Michela, she would still call herself your friend.”

“Huh,” O thinks. “Weird.”

A sudden rustling behind them makes both jump and aim their guns. But it’s only a squirrel, skittering across the set with a nut between its teeth.

Peter turns to O again. “You don’t have to ally yourself with me because you think I’ll only want to if you’re useful. We can be ally-friends, too!”

O smiles and nods before a sudden whirring overhead catches both their attention.

“Did you hear that?”

A fleet of flying saucers appears in the distance, laser beams gearing up as they approach the two. Peter and O look at each other, then scream and run in opposite directions.

---

Scruffy hears the distant sound of screaming and pays it no mind. They chuckle to themselves. “Amateurs,” and press on, past the haunted mansion set, past the courtroom…

They re-enter a thickly wooded part of the set and scratch their head. “I was just here,” they think aloud. “I have not been walking in circles! My tracking skills are flawless!”

A sudden rustling in the foliage catches their attention and they aim their gun, but only Peter falls out of the bush. He groans and rubs his head.

Scruffy grins and clicks his gun, ready to fire.

“W-wait!” Peter begs. “Don’t!”

“Why not?”

“Cause… I know the way to the finish line!”

Scruffy lowers their gun for a moment and thinks. Then, they sigh, and put away their weapon, pulling Peter to his feet. “Fine. But as soon as we’re there, I’m shooting you,”

“Sounds good to me!”

---

O tiptoes through the maze, completely lost in its long halls. The sounds of distant barking are making him more nervous with each passing second.

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” he mumbles to himself. “Get a hold on yourself, Oliver. Breathe. Count to ten.”

He takes one deep breath, then another, before the barking picks up again and he loses count. “Dammit! Why isn’t this working?!”

The barking grows closer and he shakily holds up his weapon, backing himself into a corner. Before he has time to prepare himself, two coyotes jump out of the darkness.

“Coyotes!” he shrieks. A red light emanates from something attached to their backs. “With guns!”

He screams as they fire at him, tagging him out. His vest glows red and he shrieks again as a trapdoor opens from under him, pulling him into the darkness.

---

“That sounds like O,” Peter says, those distant shrieks echoing again. “We were supposed to be allies today… I should go help him-”

He starts off, but Scruffy grabs him by the back of his shirt and turns him forward. “Not so fast. If you run, I’ll shoot the sensor on your back. Think smarter,”

Peter grumbles to himself but they press on, eventually exiting the forest and re-entering the walk between the mansion and courthouse.

“So, where is this magical finish line, anyway?” Scruffy asks. “If you and O were allied, he must know too, right? He could be there this very second.”

“He wouldn’t. He would wait for me. We’re friends,”

Scruffy laughs. “There are no ‘friends’ on Total Drama. Only allies, and alliances are thin. Breakable,” a serious expression crosses their face. “The second they sense weakness, they leave.”

Peter watches their expression cautiously. “Do you want to talk about something?”

“No. I’m fine,” they insist, speeding up.

---

Chris watches O balance on one set of tippy toes and flail his arms around to avoid falling on any cacti in the glass holding cell he’d been chuted into.

“Man, this is great,” Chris sighs, crossing his arms. After a few more seconds of amusing himself, he turns with an annoyed expression. “Where are my salmon and goat cheese crackers?!”

Chef walks up to Chris with a covered dish.

“Finally! I swear, these interns are so busy on their phones they can’t even bother to wait on me hand-and-foot!” the host rolls his eyes, then holds out a hand to the plate. "Gimme gimme."

Chef smacks it away and pulls the lid off the dish, revealing nothing but a black landline. Chris sighs. “It’s not my job to answer phones around here,”

“You’re really gonna want to answer this one,” Chef says, his voice completely deadpan.

Chris grumbles angrily to himself and picks up the phone. “Yello?” He takes a swig from a coffee-filled Thermos.

A voice on the other end says something indistinct and Chris spits out a mouthful of piping hot coffee, just barely missing Chef.

---

“And then she just- started dating him, I guess. Like I don’t even exist!” Scruffy throws out their arms for emphasis as the two pass the trailers. “Not a word to me!”

“Do you think she didn’t think you’d find out?”

“No, of course not. Jules knows that I’m a capable player, I hear about everything worth knowing. And this was definitely worth knowing. Why didn’t she tell me?” they pout. “She could’ve sent a letter!”

“Maybe she wants to tell you in person?” Peter asks nervously, watching Scruffy flail around their gun with every word.

“No, she wouldn’t. The only logical explanation I can come up with is that… well… it’s more beneficial for her to be with him than stay friends with me,” Scruffy sighs.

Peter furrows his brow. “There’s that talk again! What’s wrong with you people!” he says. “Relationships aren’t about what you can give, they’re about who you are. If Julia really cares about you, then what someone else can offer her shouldn’t matter.”

“But it obviously does,” they sigh.

“It could be a million things,” he pats their shoulder. “Trust me, I’ve done my fair share of overthinking. I’ve been in so many transactional friendships, witnessed so many petty breakups, and I refuse to believe that that’s what’s happening. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself to anyone.”

“I know, but… I mean, she likes that I’m a good competitor. If I win, maybe…”

Peter sighs. “Do you really think staying in the competition will help?”

“It would help with a lot, really,”

Scruffy looks down and Peter sighs, pulling the picture of his girlfriend from his pocket. “I guess I understand. We have to do hard things for love, too,”

Just as they round the corner of the trailers, a click sounds from behind them and they both turn, then freeze in place.

O, covered in cactus spikes, aims his gun right at Scruffy’s chest.

“Game over,” he says, his forefinger pressing on the trigger.

“No!” Peter shouts- but it’s too late.

O pulls the trigger, and the mist rolls over set once again. A “pew” sound, and the “schwoop” of a hit target rings out.

But as the fog clears, Scruffy is still green, and the red glow of a hit soldier is coming from the ground.

Peter, his girlfriend’s picture clutched in his hand, lies. O gasps, then drops to his knees. “NOOOOOOOO!”

Scruffy holds up their gun, aiming at O as he grieves, but then shakes their head and simply flees into the brush.

O holds Peter’s head in his lap and pants. The former’s glasses are cracked, and there’s a spider crawling over his cheek (which O quickly sweeps off).

“Peter, I’m so sorry, my aim- I thought my aim was perfect-”

“It is. I jumped. I had to let Scruffy get away,” Peter says. “They have to win. I don't… My life is already pretty sweet. I don’t need the money.”

“You sacrificed yourself… for them?” he makes a disgusted face.

“They need this. I’m already pretty set,” he holds up the picture of his girlfriend. “I could’ve won, but I chose not to. Because some things in life are more important than transactions.”

A chute opens up beneath Peter and sucks him in, sending him to the cactus pit. O hangs his head.

The opening in the grass closes over and O takes a moment to breathe before he stands, now more determined than ever, and begins running.

---

Chris’ director’s chair is empty as Peter falls into the glass cactus tank at the end of the set, the finish line mere meters away.

Scruffy comes barreling in first, crossing the checkers and panting.

“Yes- yes! Final two!” they turn. “Chris?”

The set is empty. Chris and Chef are nowhere to be found. Panic crosses Scruffy’s face. “CHRIS?! I NEED SOMEONE TO VALIDATE MY WINNING!”

Peter taps on the glass of the container and winces as he’s poked. “I’m here,”

Scruffy turns. “Oh,”

O comes jogging after, crossing the finish line. He collapses to the floor shortly afterwards, his gun skidding across the pavement.

The intercom crackles to life. “Woo okay, final two. Scruffy and O,” then disappears.

“What’s he up to?” Scruffy wonders aloud, O and Peter both making pained groans in the background.

---

Peter disappears in the Lame-o-Sine, both Scruffy and O waving as the black car disappears into the city.

“Good guy,” Scruffy comments.

O glares. “The best,”

The two walk back to the trailers, avoiding looking at each other until they’re at each individual door. Scruffy pauses, their hand on the doorknob. “What do you think Chris is doing?”

“Something bad and mean, probably,”

“No, I mean… he didn’t even show up for the elimination ceremony, and he loves gloating. Something’s going on,” Scruffy says, rubbing their chin. “Maybe Scary was right…”

O massages his temples. “Good night, Scruffy,”

And without another word, he walks into his trailer and slams the door behind him.

#tta #total takes action

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thirdtidemouse · 4 months

Note

(In response to your losing your rant post.) If you ever get up to or feel like ranting about the art stuff and Kaisa’s interests in that again, I’d be very glad and also interested to read it. :) Art theory is great.

aww im thrilled someone is interested!!! i will have a go at rewriting some of it. just for you anon. i might do one about johanna, who's more inclined to illustration - like i said in previous posts kaisa is more anologue photography/fine art, and i embarrassingly don't actually know many photographers, but i have some more conceptual artists she would enjoy too.

long rant with pictures below, about artists, which you should totally read even if its boring because i would be soo happy (just kidding):

starting off with photography though:

Man Ray. these are 'rayographs', a cameraless photography technique, now more well known as photograms.

photography without cameras?!?! crazy!!!! Man Ray pretty much pioneered this technique into modern popularity with his much more surreal style, after William Fox Talbot was printing pieces of flora in the 19th century. photograms happen when you take an unexposed piece of photography paper, place objects on it in a darkroom, and quickly flash it with light. once developed, the shadows of the objects will be left white, and the exposed parts of the paper will turn black, leaving these beautiful imprints behind.

kaisa absolutely loves the darkroom, the more hands-on the technique the better (she might smell like chemicals). photograms work best with translucent objects. rubber gloves, strips of film, marbles, lightbulbs. as much as she loves black-and-white, these totally magical photograms by photographer Anne Hardy definitely would inspire her. i hope you can imagine some of the stuff she comes up with. it literally looks like magic.

if you haven't checked out @/hilda-the-librarians-wife 's hospital au, then first of all please do, but second of all can anyone else see the parallel with this artwork and pathologist dr kaisa underhill?!? these look microscopic, or like deep-sea fauna. this feeling of a glimpse into another world, which is something wife mentioned about cells and microscopy, is what i think kaisa would be fascinated by.

i'll mention some older art before i move onto installations - i dont know a whole lot about art history this far back, but i'm sure plenty of people will recognise Francisco Goya, so i have to quickly mention him. long painting below:

also known as the guy that did saturn devouring his son, goya's 'black paintings' (many of which were painted directly onto the walls of his home) bring that heavy nightmarish feeling that i think that moody moody bitch would love. i love goya's dog, the first painting. it is very imposing. and look at those depictions of witches - a little on the nose, but those dark, crowded scenes are just so much to take in!

now onto another quite macabre artist, Louise Bourgeois. you might again recognise her stuff - her spider installation, named Maman, went a bit viral at one point i think. the spiders were not a one-off thing and they crop up a lot as symbolism for, alongside other things, mothers and maternity. for context, she was born to antique tapestry repairers, and a lot of her work reflects on her childhood. these spiders, both threatening predators and industrious repairers, sometimes guarding hoards of eggs, give way to these ideas of maternal care and mending/weaving. her work carries themes of family, motherhood, abandonment, and fertility.

she describes these structures pictured above as 'cells'. a lot of her work is in cages. i really like the room made of doors, ghostly clothing hung up on cow bones barely blocking the view in. look at the tiny bed atop the tiny spiral staircase. it does a great job of making you think about who might sleep there.

i think kaisa, having a relatively lonely upbringing and complicated family, would both connect with Bourgeois' work and appreciate the unsettling nature of it ^_^

one last installation artist, because i'm a sucker for an immersive experience. this ones a doozy, probably a long one - Mike Nelson. i'm including him because of all the exhibitions i've visited, his Extinction Beckons genuinely scared me. not in some deep existential way, i was just truly unsettled. his stuff isn't nearly as dark or spooky as Bourgeois or Goya, but the way you are totally dunked headfirst into his imaginary parallel worlds really puts you off balance. and by god i think kaisa would love that.

i will describe to you, if you are at all bothered, some of the features of that exhibition!

the first i'll say is longer, the deliverance and the patience.

if you can imagine a large gallery room, please then imagine a set of constructed rooms within it, like a big box with an entrance and an exit. when you enter, the door shuts behind you; the ambience is literal nonstop creaking of doors and floorboards, from the other visitors wandering the structure out of your sight, interspliced with the humming of electric fans. the room you are in feels like the no-turning-back point. the next door invites you in.

this is where the atmosphere sets in for good. this is what you are greeted with, as you walk in from the door on the right hand side of the picture:

maybe i'm just a big baby, but i jumped. i think it was the gargantuan shadow on the wall, from the single lightbulb on the light fitting - it was definitely a figure, arms raised. this is an ugly ass room. the claustrophobic paint colours, doors either side of you, and nonspecific shrine on the far wall, all make for quite an uncomfortable feeling. you're in, and you have to push on. no one inhabits these rooms, all of the people present are visitors, and you expect none of them - despite the noise, it feels like you're alone, as if the only other humans in the building might be scare actors in a haunted house.

each door is a guess and each room is different. this one is a waiting room, without patrons, yellow wallpaper and advertisements; this one is the entrance to a seedy club, smudged mirrors and posters; this one is empty; this one is the captain's bar on an old ship, windowless like the rest of them; this one is empty; this one is empty. whose sleeping bag is this? whose are these cigarette butts? who will turn off the bare lightbulbs when we leave? there are large chunks missing from the drywall in the corridor. there is no one around the corner. the door handle is a shotgun, bolted vertically against the wood.

everything here is so old, like a domestic museum; there is writing everywhere. most of it is in a language you can't read.

the deliverance and the patience dunks your head into a different world, one without people, and then pulls you back out the moment you step out the peeling wooden door of the exit, leaving you feeling like you've invaded someone else's domain.

here's some more:

i, imposter (the darkroom) - in this picture above, you can walk into that tunnel! when we visited, my brother made the apt comparison of a slaughterhouse - animals are sometimes herded through curved corridors to prevent them from panicking when seeing the full road ahead. the door at the end is unlocked, but shut, and heavy - when you crack it open, the deep red light that emits from the room inside is less than reassuring. it's a darkroom - only red safety lights are lit, it's all factory-like with sinks and paper hung up to dry. it doesn't feel unlike a secret lair.

i am going to go to bed, and i don't have the energy to fully go into the amnesiacs - they are a fictional biker gang of Nelson's, made up of gulf war veterans, each having chunks of their memory lost to PTSD. he shows us their belongings, their home, their 'hide', their mindscapes, all through found object sculptures, in typical Mike Nelson fashion. they are more like approximations - a motorbike's handlebars are a pair of horns. more importantly, like any other work of his, they are infused with memory. this constant presence of someone, sometimes the artist, usually the character, sometimes the people who owned these objects before him.

back to kaisa, this is what i think she would be drawn to in his art. this total immersive experience, this otherworldly material. in this au, i think she loves art that is: transportative, textural, moody, surreal, unsettling, nostalgic, immersive.

i might do johanna if i have the energy. if you genuinely read to the end, i dont believe you!! thank you so much!! i'm sorry i went on for so long! i am a freak nerd about this! i'm sorry if you hate conceptual art. i hope i have convinced you to hate it less? i love you. if you have any ideas/corrections/anything at all send me a message or a comment or an ask. have a great day!!

#kaisa #hilda the series #hilda netflix #art school au #au #ask

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thathetaliablogg · 2 years

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I think Francis has issues with not wanting to look vulnerable or hurt in front of people, constantly covering up any and all of his trauma, exactly the same as Arthur, but he handles it totally differently. I think Arthur is one of, if not the only other nation that he will let his guard down around and truly relax and just be himself. Arthur knows that he's often quieter than people think he is, that he doesn't just look flawless naturally the way he makes out, that he has dark circles under his eyes and that he's smarter than most of their peers think too. Arthur gets to see him scrub off the concealer with a cotton pad and plait his hair to protect it, him wearing his glasses to read and him playing sudoku to relax before bed. Francis often talks of how he'd liked to have owned a farm had he been human, with chickens and horses and cows. He's as afraid and as traumatised as any other nation but he's exceptionally good at covering it up, because he seems to believe his outward image is all he has of value. Arthur watches him say goodbye to everyone in the meeting room with a gleaming smile and a chirp in his voice, and then watches the act drop immediately as soon as they're in the lift together. He hears Francis heavily sigh. He offers him a cig. He says "I love you", and Francis returns the gesture. He loves Arthur too.

#rambling #hws france #people ask me all the time why my francis isnt as deep or developed as my arthur #but he IS and i think him covering it up all the time is a big big thing #idk I dont talk abt him as much but know i do think about him #and how interesting and multifaceted he is

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lifesver · 1 month

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@fcused said: there's gentleness in the soft, sweeping motion of connie cusping leland's cheek, allowing her to more easily plant a kiss there, leaving a cherry-red lipstick print behind. ’ happy birthday, leland. ’ she hums, the corners of her eyes crinkling in a fox-like smile. she holds up a cutesy little stuffed animal to him, a highland cow, whose brown eyes fondly reminded her of a certain long-lashed, soft, brown-eyed boy. ’ he looks just like you. ’ she warmly teases, and adorns a small jewelry box as well. in it, a small blue-beaded bracelet, that matches her own amber one. ’ it's not much, but i hope you like it. ’

an airy, bright laugh bubbles from him when she kisses him, catches him off-guard and defenseless. he already knows she's left her mark square on his face. she doesn't even let him chase her for a retaliatory kiss. a softly confused noise leaves him next, as he looks down at what she's presenting him with;

❝ — really? you didn't have to do anything, con. ❞

leland wasn't totally used to gifts. his family was never much for gift-giving in general, even during the holidays. it had never bothered him, or anything. money was tight for a little, when they were kids, it wasn't a big deal. but it did mean a look of genuine surprise when connie offers him a stuffed animal cow, with big adorable eyes. his own eyes light up, and he gives another thrilled laugh — ❝ wow, uncanny. the hair? i wish i was this cute, come on. ❞ admittedly, the mop of brown hair on this thing was putting him to shame in a pretty serious way. dumb, toothy smile crosses his face as he gives a pretend-serious nod; ❝ he's my new best friend, actually — sorry to say. ❞

as if the first gift wasn't enough. connie's second gift is something he recognizes right away; so similar to the bracelet she wore on her own wrist — just in blue, instead. it makes him pause; he'd never had someone make him something, before. he slides the bracelet onto his wrist, and admires it quietly for a moment. tries not to get too weird about it.

❝ like it? ❞ his expression furrows thoughtfully, only to soften to something genuine. too overcome with how touched he is to really joke; ❝ it's perfect, seriously. i love it. ❞ he beams, and he hugs her, arms wrapping around her in an affectionate squeeze. holds it for just an extra beat longer, nose tucked into her shoulder with a soft mumble; ❝ thank you, connie. ❞

#THIS IS SO CUTE im falling down on the ground #snifflecry i like them op #he's so touched pls u MADE HIM SMTH? u THOUGHT OF HIM CASUALLY?#( ☆ ) ⸻ THE FILM WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO SEE... / ic.#fcused

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the-duchess-of-domination · 8 days

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Wanted to add to 🍰’s post; it sounds so nice but I would be so embarrassed to do that IRL 😭😭 Even without the kink part I have a weird relationship with vulnerability and talking about when my physical body goes a bit haywire, even when second hand (like the guys at my college talking about their hangover headaches, even, makes me feel awkward even though they act so normal about it). Didn’t mean to turn this into a mini vent but if anyone has any advice for this stuff I’d be really grateful 💞

- ☂️

i totally get that!! i also have a weird relationship with vulnerability on account of the OCD/emetophobia. i think this fetish can sometimes be a coping mechanism because it’s a controlled, safe environment. i hardly ever talk about my own body and its problems because it makes me feel weird. i don’t want to be in the role of the people i fantasize about. i fare a bit better when people talk about themselves, but it always catches me off guard and i too feel awkward.

anyone feel free to chime in, but my therapist/psych class in college has really restructured how i think about this fetish. we learned a couple chapters ago about how memory works, and i found it kind of comforting so i think you might, too. my personal struggle is that all these stomach ache events MEAN something, if that makes sense. why do people seem to tell me so much about their stomachs??

in psych, memory works on cues. certain things will trigger you to remember. if your roommate wants you to pick up milk at the store, you might be driving back from the store, see a cow in the field, and remember “oh shit. i forgot the milk.”

people talking about their stomachs and bodies is completely innocuous. most people do it openly because they don’t have the connection that we do to a fetish. so when someone mentions about having a hangover headache, it’s a cue that makes us remember “oh shit. i have a fetish where i think about stuff like this.” i think all of us are just really hyperaware of bodies and their vulnerability. i think the best advice i can give is just to remember that you’re just really in tune with people’s pain, and that it’s okay sometimes to not feel the greatest yourself and to share that with people close to you. we all have bodies, and they are bound to have little glitches every now and again :)

that was really rambley and might not have made a lot of sense but i hope it helps you!!

#the duchess speaks #☂️ anon #advice

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