lifesver
GOLDEN BOY 🏵️
𝗧𝗘𝗡𝗗𝗘𝗥-𝗛𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗘𝗗, 𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗣𝗜𝗧𝗘, 𝗗𝗘𝗦𝗣𝗜𝗧𝗘.
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he’s already a few backwards steps toward his car, when he hears movement on the other side of the door. the methodical unlatching of locks. leland holds a breath, until ana appears in the doorway, haloed in the warm backlight of her front hall. he opens his mouth to speak — but he's almost afraid it's going to come out too raw. that his voice will crack down the middle — and that would be embarrassing. this was already probably something he should be embarrassed about.
❝ hi, ❞ he rasps meekly, immediately dropping eye contact — away from her worried look. his voice feels like glass. what the hell was he thinking — showing up in the middle of the night? he watches her set aside the baseball bat, and guilt pangs across his expression.
he tries again, shifting on his heels and clearing his throat; ❝ … sorry, i — i shouldn’t have — it's late. ❞ everything comes out stilted, struggling out of his slightly chattering teeth. not that he has it in him to argue with her. leland follows her easily; steps into the warmth of her house in a half-trance state. eyes settle on ana's two guard dogs, standing on alert and prepared to investigate him. understandable. if they make her feel safer, living alone, leland’s glad she has them.
letting the familiarity blanket him, leland’s shoulders finally sink, tension releasing in a shaky sigh. ❝ i um. i can't be home, right now, is all. thought maybe going for a drive would clear my head. then i ended up here. i guess, ❞ it felt like kind of a shitty excuse, for bothering her at this time of night. one look at ana’s eyes, and he wants to backtrack a million steps, say it's alright — he just got a little lost while he was driving. say he's fine, he's alright. he didn't mean to cause her any trouble. if he was a little less selfish, he wouldn’t have shown up at all. he wouldn’t be standing here, awkwardly, red-eyed and half rain-drenched in her doorway.
but he's fragile, just now. feels paper-thin. ana's already helping him out of his coat, and he's on autopilot, letting her guide him into the space like a skittish animal. leland blinks at the press of a fresh sting behind his eyes, swipes at them stubbornly with the back of his hand. it’s a nervous habit to laugh, self-conscious — because he knows what he looks like, right now. what exactly he had said, to earn the glaring bruise on his cheek. he catches himself in the reflection of ana’s window; the red has faded darker, and the fresh bruise only pulses dully, now. it looked kind of bad — but the only thing he can really bring himself to regret about the whole thing, was getting into it in front of his mother, and his sisters.
crazy. dad hadn’t gotten that angry with him in years. crazy, that there was a time not so long ago, when leland wouldn’t have dared step out of line with cecil mckinney. when his worst fear was disappointing the man he now tuned out entirely most days. anyway — his old man had looked almost sorry for it, right away. but whatever had come out of his mouth after that, leland hadn’t been listening — head full of white noise pitch. and he'd vaguely heard his mother reaming cecil the hell out, while leland had slipped out the door with his car keys. but he wasn't looking back. and he didn’t really care, just then, if the man was sorry or not. if they were all lucky, maybe mom would kick him out for good, this time.
he doesn’t think ana needs to hear any of that, anyway. tired eyes re-acquaint himself with ana’s living space. it’s been a while since he’s been here. leland pauses a few steps from ana’s two dogs, and slowly lowers himself to a crouch. he holds out his hand across the distance for them to sniff — an attempt at offering a peaceful greeting. it was a good momentary distraction, at least.
❝ sorry. ❞ leland repeats, softly. still unable to look up, and meet ana’s gaze. but he tries for honesty, anyway; ❝ i … i didn’t really know where else to go. ❞ as weak and bruised as he sounds. finally, he risks a glance upward, risks all that ugly vulnerability laid bare. maybe he wouldn’t have, it was anyone but ana.
@lifesver
most nights weren’t easy for ana, they were restless and filled with anxious pacing, endless cups of coffee and ultimately more pacing and fidgeting but this time it was due to the amount of caffeine in her body.
she’d been informed by her psychiatrist to stop drinking coffee so late and to try taking some sedatives he prescribed but ana had all but flushed them down the toilet to avoid taking them. they didn’t help her sleep, well— they did… but not restfully. instead they just forced her to relive her nightmares over and over again. at least if she didn’t take them she had a choice to stay awake.
tonight was a night like any other, her near empty mug sat on her side table, and she curled up on the old ratty couch in her living room, feet tucked under her rear with a book in her lap. she’d tried desperately to get back into her old hobbies, to have a sense of normalcy in her life after getting out of the hospital. she’d had very little luck in the years since. the first year was the hardest, and the time where she felt the most alone, barely bringing herself to get out of bed.
now, she was coping a little better, not much, but enough to try her hand at reading again and picking up her art and even trying to learn embroidery.
❛ i had forgotten how much light there is in the world, till you gave it back to me. ❜ she read outloud, the words delicate on her tongue, her brown eyes looking down at the english mastiff drooling on her couch.
❝ yeah, i’m talking to you. ❞ she cooed with a gentle smile, django lifted his head and shifted closer, tucking his large body up against hers.
maverick’s head popped over the edge of the couch, curious of what ana was saying to django. he too joined her and django on the couch.
ana patted her two dogs fondly, grateful for their protection and company. she looked back at her book, a novel by ursula k. le guin, granted it was considered children’s literature ana enjoyed that it was light reading, nothing too harsh on her head or something she really had to dissect like she used to with books.
after a while of reading while a fire crackled in her hearth and the sound of rain pattered on the metal awning of her porch, ana heard the crunch of gravel under tires and quickly placed her book down, eyes shooting to the closed curtains.
the headlights stayed on for a while and both dogs perched themselves near the window on alert as ana had taught them, eventually she heard a knock at the door and django barked loudly, a deep rumbling bark followed by a menacing growl.
another more hesitant knock.
ana peeked through the curtains and squinted through the rain to see leland’s car out front.
oh…
she shooed the dogs back to their spots on the couch, but they stayed on defense with their heads up and pointed at the door as ana unlocked each of the three locks and opened it to a very wet and sad looking leland.
❝ lee? ❞ she frowned, looking past him at his car to make sure it was just him before opened the door more, leaning the baseball bat she had in her hand against the wall beside the door frame. “its two in the morning, what are you doing out here?”
out here being nearly three hours from home, out here being at her house… they’d spoken only a little in the past few years, stark in contrast to how close they used to be, which was entirely ana’s fault. she’d made the long drive to his parent’s home to drop off food a few times and leave before he could stop her to talk, and she’d invited him to a diner in austin a year after— ana swallowed dryly at the memory. the day they’d met at the diner was practically the anniversary of maria’s disappearance and leland’s birthday. she’d done better to be less of a stranger to him, calls every few weeks, occasionally sending him letters or making the drive to visit him when she had the energy to leave home.
it still didn’t explain why he’d come all the way out to uvalde in the middle of the night.
ana tilted her head up at him, she couldn’t tell in the dim fire light flooding her porch if he’d been crying or just standing in the rain.
❝ come inside before you get any more soaking wet. ❞ she urged, stepping aside for him to enter, and she reached up to remove his coat for him. he looked like a kicked puppy.
#ic tbt#hellscourges#my kids… my kiiiids#cw abuse mention#fathers what are they good for you know what i mean. mr mckinney could be worse but he could also be so much better
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#more cowboy slowdance oldie songs for lee to pine after people to i fear#shout out rae telling me how to make audio work on this goofy site#shout out whoever chose the songs for that fallout radio mod
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listening to all the super oldies on fallout radio is just like awawa... think his mama had some of this sappy 50's-60s playing in his house growing up. so anyway he finds those kinds of old love songs very comforting i think
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me writing leland replies and half the time he's rly just one of these emotions
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hey kels what have you been doing this week? me checking my notes: painstakingly making leland in f76 and making him both a house and a vault room
#me and the boys... on that grind#the grind in question: scavenging for furniture plans in the wasteland and getting little outfits for our guys#my lore reasons here are just that leland found an abandoned part of an old vault and was like omg just like home (':#like a safety blanket to live there. but then he slowly got more used to the wasteland and wanted to be on the surface w his friends more#so they maybe fix up old houses together the best they can... u know... found fam in the wasteland neighbourhood
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im so sorry the video game has possessed me in such a way but i will get to some prompts tmrw and also send some memes out ... if y'all wish
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leland's fallout verse sparknotes idk we are just minecrafting for funnies. pls forgive if i get fallout lore wrong i know an approximate amount of things only,
born in vault 41 (idk i just guesstimated based on other listed vault locations) in texas, vibes are space travel environment experimentation on the citizens (idk, NASA in houston etc). they were all unaware that their vault was isolated and submerged underwater to simulate certain conditions in space re: advanced life support systems. they were probably also fucking around with microgravity and pressurization stuff in general, but mostly the vault was full of normies and was a chill vault.
mom was mb the overseer, well-liked etc. but definitely didn't tell leland much of anything. probably his older sister was also on the council type deal.
probably something ruptured and either fucked up the pressure and/or it flooded for some reason. and it was like 'now what do you mean we were all underwater this whole time'. like everyone went down into the vault from on-land so they thought it was just like every other vault.
leland i think in the chaos of it gets hurt/hits his head pretty hard, so he only has the vague memory of someone pushing him into some kind of pod type thing that shot him up to the surface. he wakes up on the beach near it and connie stumbles on him like oh ur alive huh. i was just looting ur shit. he's just in shambles but he wants to know so bad if anyone else made it. what happened and why.
he's like 'what do you mean my vault was underwater this entire time. was no one going to tell me--' and also just learning that there's just no way to get back down there safely unless he finds a way through the connecting vault tunnels from another nearby vault. he's just on the surface w absolutely nothing to his name but his silly vault suit and no way of knowing if his family or friends from the vault made it.
he's just wandering around accidentally acting like a protagonist by default bc everyone else's tired and jaded in the wasteland and he's shiny and dumb and willing to help just about whoever asks. just because it's like, yeah man that's how we do things in the vault???? some of u guys could be a little nicer tbh???? just trusting lots of the wrong people and learning the hard way that shit is very different on the surface, average naive/privileged vaultie moment etc. but he means well and endears himself to a lot of those rough around the edges people. but also you know how it is in the wasteland sometimes being endearing does not solve the situation and u have to kill a man, fundamentally changing you as a person forever,
he's more capable than he comes off but also he doesn't like guns and is bad with them. and also he cannot sneak to save his life. he'd rather knock someone out than kill anyone and ik bro was trying to talk to feral ghouls like hey (: you okay? if there's a trap, he's stepping in it. if someone is even fake nice to him? he'll probably fall for it. if he sees a radroach? near tears-
kind of realizing there was no big reason he was sent up or anything, besides like, love, of his mother. kind of unravelling the truth behind the vaults and how that shit doesn't even matter anymore. coming across devastation after devastation in other vaults. not knowing what his purpose is supposed to be without his newfound companions. the future being uncertain but just wanting to stay with them instead of wanting to go back to the safety of a vault. like hey lets just... live out here where no one will bother us and pretend like we have something simple and normal.
#may or may not be more nefarious secret going on besides 'we didn't tell u this thing could rupture and flood lol'#me thinking about how space does stuff like fucks up ur bones and that could be sort of fucked up to experiment with-#i was possessed by the idea of an underwater vault. yes i enjoy bioshock how did u know#this is all whatever it could change but i'm having fun pondering it
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embarrassing for everyone who’s out here all hardened by the struggles of the wasteland to get endeared to vault boy do-gooder leland huh… guy who has to get humbled by the knowledge that lots of families were not privileged enough to get access to a vault and everyone on the surface is going through it. and they might understandably hate him and what he stands for in his stupid blue vault tec suit. it is simply always his deal to have to prove himself trustworthy and worth keeping around… by doing shit for others all over the place and never asking for anything in return. getting his ass kicked up and down the wasteland for it.
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&. 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬.
( an assortment of dialogue prompts for various apocalypse / end of the world scenarios. feel free to change as you seem fit. )
❛ stay alive. for me. ❜
❛ you won’t survive long out there. i can protect you. ❜
❛ how many bullets do you got left? ❜
❛ i’m gonna make sure this place is secure. ❜
❛ will things ever go back to the way they were? ❜
❛ i know the odds aren’t good, but we’ve got to try. ❜
❛ you should be dead by now. ❜
❛ this isn’t the world you remember. ❜
❛ it’s all gone. it’s really all gone. ❜
❛ shit. why did you hide this? ❜
❛ stay down. don’t let them see you. ❜
❛ you are making it very difficult to keep you alive. ❜
❛ how is it you’re not scared? ❜
❛ when i give the signal, we run. ❜
❛ holy shit, we hit the jackpot! look at all this stuff! ❜
❛ i’d say we make a pretty good team. ❜
❛ if you don’t fight, you die. ❜
❛ remind me to not get on your bad side. ❜
❛ been there. seen that. got the scars to prove it. ❜
❛ unfortunately, we can’t kiss in the rain. it’s acid. ❜
❛ just keep moving. don’t look back. ❜
❛ i’m scared of ending up alone. ❜
❛ still alive, are you? ❜
❛ i’m beyond saving at this point. ❜
❛ an animal that’s tasted human flesh isn’t safe. ❜
❛ there’s nothing you can do to save them. ❜
❛ do you have any idea how many people we lost today?! ❜
❛ thought you’d be lighter without all that blood. ❜
❛ just a few more stitches and you’ll be as good as new. ❜
❛ my job is to watch your back. ❜
❛ don’t enter the city, it belongs to the dead now. ❜
❛ it must be important, otherwise you wouldn’t have gone back for it. ❜
❛ there’s something about that robot that doesn’t seem right to me. ❜
❛ you still remember how to kill, right? ❜
❛ there should be an opening through the fence. watch your head. ❜
❛ our luck will run out sooner or later. ❜
❛ everything looks so beautiful from up here. ❜
❛ can’t say i’m surprised to find you in a dump like this. ❜
❛ we can sneak past them, even though i know that’s not your style. ❜
❛ i can’t imagine losing someone like that. i’m sorry. ❜
❛ if you were smart, you’d turn back now. ❜
❛ shut up. are you trying to get us killed? ❜
❛ breathe. we’re safe now. ❜
❛ you’re better off without me. i’ll only slow you down. ❜
❛ i brought dinner. it’s not much, but it’s edible. ❜
❛ for what it’s worth, i’ll do what i can to help you not get killed. ❜
❛ you’re gonna be real happy you didn’t kill me. ❜
❛ if it was the other way around, would you have come back for me? ❜
❛ why don’t we just stay here? live out the rest of our lives? ❜
❛ you really shouldn’t be out here by yourself. ❜
❛ rest. i’ll take the first watch. ❜
❛ i’ve got a weapon for every situation. hunting, profession, cold blooded murder, hot blooded murder… ❜
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sorry this is a text post spam but anyway. leland dancing w/ his s/o to some silly beach boys. silly serenading them w god only knows… dance in the kitchen w him to wouldn’t it be nice when they literally are older and happier and past the traumas of their past….. yeah man
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The Beach Boys – Wouldn’t It Be Nice
#as you may know i have to rb beach boys every so often#but this time it's bc i was just thinking about me and rae hard jamming to this in f76 while carsyn was attacked by creatures
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sorry but if not dog-coded why have fruity little necklace u could easily tug him in by
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sorry for playing f76 for 7 hours straight it could happen again. anyway here's vault boy leland again he's having just a really tough day. he got shot at earlier.
#raes running around w me as connie#im trying to play leland as a good boy but then i had to kill someone it was a whole thing
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♢ — 𝐀 𝐂𝐎𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 ‘𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒’ 𝐃𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐁𝐋𝐄 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐓𝐒
inspired by those “five times our muses do something” memes. there used to be one years ago like this one and i can’t seem to ever find it again so i just made my own.
receiver = muse receiving the meme / sender = muse sending the meme
general trigger warnings for: nsfw, angst, violence, death,
[ FIVE KISSES ] send for five times our muses almost kissed and the one time they do.
[ FIVE TOUCHES ] send for five times our muses almost touch and the one time they do.
[ FIVE GLANCES ] send for five times the receiver watched the sender and the one time the receiver does something about it.
[ FIVE DEATHS ] send for five times our muses almost died together and the one time the sender does.
[ FIVE CUDDLES ] send for five times our muses nearly cuddle and the one time they finally do.
[ FIVE CALLS ] send for five times the receiver nearly calls the sender and the one time they do.
[ FIVE SCARS ] send for the five times the sender almost asks the receiver about their scars the the one time they do.
[ FIVE SMILES ] send for five times one muse makes the other smile and the one time they share a smile.
[ FIVE FIRSTS ] send for five times our muses almost had their first time together and the one time it happens.
[ FIVE CONFESSIONS ] send for five times the receiver almost says ‘i love you’ and the one time they do.
[ FIVE VISTS ] send for the five times our muses try to plan a trip and the one time they succeed.
[ FIVE TEXTS ] send for five unsent texts from the receiver and one sent text.
[ FIVE NUDES ] send for five times the receiver almost sent a nude and the one time they do.
[ FIVE GIFTS ] send for five times the receiver tried to give a gift to the sender and the one time they do.
[ FIVE PLEAS ] send for five times the receiver wanted to ask the sender to stay and the one time they do.
[ FIVE BRUSHES ] send for the for the five times our muses almost hold hands and the one time they do.
[ FIVE FIGHTS ] send for the five times our muses almost get into a fight and the one time they do.
#i think this one's neat... some of them are goofy tho and some of them i might idk take liberties w#prompts tbt
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alright hold on here are The Thoughts
i think growing up it was very like... leland trying to fit himself into a box, or an image that people had for him. which started with his dad and literally just trying to get the 'i'm proud of u' one singular time. dad was tough on him, only son, 70s, a little more sensitive than most boys his age etc. truly the root cause of why he can so easily get caught in cycles of people-pleasing, and is so easy to manipulate, and so easy to knock down a peg. bc he already has those preconceptions of himself, and when those things get confirmed, he just goes oh. yeah i guess so. you peaked in highschool? sure did man. you're not good enough for your friends? true!
leland who pushed himself into a golden boy status in his tiny little town. who made that his entire Thing for a while. he pushed himself in athletics and he pushed himself in academics so he could make it into that ivy school. and then getting to university where just about everything ripped a stripe off him. a lot of it was good humbling (from his friends), that made him loosen up and stop trying to exist in that box. but it was also just a wake up call of like, not being the best, and in fact being mostly average. which there's 0 things wrong with but when you have the ex golden boy complex it's so over for the mental.
i think about how after he had to drop out of school it was like. extra tough. going back to your small town after you were supposed to make something of yourself in college. seeing the people you knew from highschool, some of them having never left, some of them looking at you with judgement like haha how did you mess that up golden boy omg??? having to be there while his friends finished up their schooling, and then moved away. nothing like coming back to your childhood room after you've outgrown it and remembering being just a little younger than you are now, and all the things you thought you would be and get to do. spending basically a year rotting at home with zero motivation and just a completely gutting fear of being out in public until it's like. well i can't just do this huh.
and then having to go work for/with his dad so he doesn't put too much of a burden on his mother who's helping april with her kids now. just contractor work stuff and having to listen to his dad yap about whatever all day. having that oppressive influence on his shoulders again cutting down any personal growth he had made toward things like... self expression in the realms of his appearance or sexuality or identity and even just embracing silly interests or whatever. it all just went back in the box, bc he knew he wasn't going to be able to get out from under his dad's roof until he could save enough money to pay off school (lol rip the scholarship) and then move out. and generally just being like oh thats cool. i'm going to never leave this town. just like him (: cool cool cool!!
and he doesn't!!! he doesn't leave for twenty years. he gets a house and a dog and lives his quiet life. losing contact with most of the friend group after everything sort of cemented something in him that said hey don't bother letting anyone know you like that again, they'll leave you and it'll be your own fault. you don't want to trap anyone with you, you don't want to get your heart broken over and over, either. he never gets married, just has some messy short relationships, messy one night stands with people he can't bring himself to call back. he's the kind of person that's still like... warm and friendly for the most part, so people think they're his friend, that they know him, when he doesn't rly talk about anything real about himself anymore. i love 2 laugh
#me into the megaphone: daddy issues behaviour#in case u were wondering why leland is giving scruffy stray dog by the time chapter 2 rolls around. its bc he's Going Thru It#im kicking the dirt actually i think the meanest thing im doing to him here is making him withdraw into something he's Not#until he forces himself to stay that shape. just fade into the background of this town and deteriorate along with it#leland mckinney the man you could have been. victim squad the well adjusted adults you could have been...#wrt val's julie and ana tho like leland does have better trajectories where he stays in contact and by extension w danny...#uncle leland to jules and dans kiddos is so special to me tbh it pulls him out of a lot of his self destructive behaviour i think.#sorry this is so many thoughts that i have said before but in one place
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i think leland could in part be summed up with "fatherless behaviour"
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