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loserlvrss · 14 hours

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꒰ 𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐒𝐈𝐙𝐄 ꒱ 이희승

summary : the one time you can't seen to control yourself happens to be around the one person you find yourself fantasizing about

genre : suggestive, friends to ??, heeseung x gn!reader tws : language, kiss, suggestive content author notes : ariana better put some version of fantasize on ag7 or im ending my life haha... word count : 0.8k

there wasn't supposed to be a tension. the room was silent, reserve for the TV playing against soft taken breaths. however, you couldn't focus on anything but the man sitting on the opposite side of your couch. he stared at his phone — energy locked into whatever he was reading at that moment — hair creating a barrier against your piercing-gaze in his peripherals.

he had come over not too long ago, some time in the middle of the movie you put on to distract yourself from the workday you had just completed. too stressed out when you got home to even take your shoes off and exit the foyer for a couple of minutes; actually, your purse and keys still laid on the floor messily.

now, you do find yourself distracted, and it would be a good thing if it wasn't driving you absolutely insane. if he wasn't so oblivious to you and your presence.

maybe there was a tension, but he was none-the-wiser to it.

you tried to clear your cloudy brain, focus on the animations dancing across the screen, and not scenarios to get the man to finally attach his lips to you flashing through your head like a badly timed daydream.

you swallowed thickly, the lump in your throat dragging the entire way down into the pit of your stomach. you knew deep down he didn't care for you the way you so secretly did him. but, right now you couldn't care less what he thought of you, you just wanted him to think of you.

"heeseung," you exhaled, not even sure where you were going to take the sentence. he raised his head, phone settling in his lap. his sights locked onto you and suddenly you felt too warm for your own good.

honestly, you weren't even sure why he was making you feel some type of way. he hadn't said much since entering your home but, there was something about the man that was too intoxicating to ignore. he was like a good movie with a plot-twist, an enemies to lovers book with a cliff hanger. his aura holding you in rose-adorned chains.

and reality was, you wanted him to be yours.

you couldn't find the right words — actually, you couldn't find any at all. he took your breath away and made something so easy so fucking difficult. you weren't shy, never have been, but nonetheless he made you blush like a school-girl.

yesterday, you wouldn't have had a crush on him, but tomorrow seems to hold a different title — or maybe it was a momentary infatuation. a because of the proximity; lack of being able to pick from the bunch thing.

however, you knew the truth was exactly the opposite.

"hey, earth to y/n?" you hadn't noticed the smooth movements of the man until he was inches from your face: close enough you could smell a minty scent and a cologne that made your head spin. "what's on your mind?"

how could you tell him anything but the truth when you were barely seeing straight? there’s no doubt he could sense it now.

your head was starry with all-things him, the background fading away until you could practically crawl into his skin. you were trying so desperately to behave, to keep the distance from closing. you could lie to yourself and say that it wasn't really your desire to have him, but that lie didn't get any more convincing the more times you spewed it out.

you leaned ever-so-slightly closer, lips almost brushing. you half-expected him to back away — in fact, you were mentally prepared for it. on the contrary, you two were no strangers to flirting with each other. it wasn't even the first time you've been face-to-face like this. but, that was always short-lived and due to copious alcohol consumption.

"you." you breathed out against him, "i'm thinking about you."

the intensity of his eyes locked onto yours was too grasping to look away, despite the nervousness he drenched you with. his arms fell to the cushion on each side of your head, caging you between them. your breath caught with choking force as you gasped quietly. you didn't know why he wouldn't reply, back up or shatter your fantasy. but, then you caught him glance down at your slightly-parted lips and back to your eyes.

maybe, just maybe, you were too mentally weak to deny the gravity of this sober-situation. if you got up, you were sure your knees would buckle and you shivered with anticipation, stomach twisting out for him.

his voice was low, "can i kiss you?" he asked, flicking his eyes to what he wanted and watching your reply roll off them.

your heart rate spiked, palms sweating against the plush surface. your voice was barely audible when you finally forced out a reply, though he heard you loud and clear.

"please."

he finally broke the anticipation — the tension you were sure he didn't have a clue about. and, maybe he didn't a couple of minutes ago, but it's better he catch on later than never, right?

you never realized, until this moment, why the stories always described the pure lust of an awaited first kiss as crashing; but, the way he closed the distance could only be described as such. you might end up regretting it but at this exact moment, with his lips setting you aflame, you didn't have a thought in the world that didn't resemble him.

yesterday, you wouldn't have wanted to go up in flames but, at least, it was by his doing.

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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loserlvrss · 14 hours

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꒰ 𝐋𝐀𝐓𝐄 𝐍𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓 𝐒𝐍𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 ꒱ 이동혁

summary : you convinced your boyfriend to bring you to a convenience store at 2am because you were simply hungry

genre : fluff, haechan x afab!reader, oneshot, drabble tws : pet names author notes : in honor of the convenience store tiktok i watched (like two weeks ago now) word count : 0.6k

the streets were empty, save for the couple late night runners and drunk stumblers. you clung to your boyfriend due to the cold of late winter, burying the bottom half go your face in the oversized scarf around your neck.

you saw the familiar glow of a convenience store, growing excited at the thought of grabbing a coffee — you didn't need more of — just to keep you up while you finished studying for your mock exams. you knew you'd be sat on the edge of your bed, computer opened on your compactable desk, notes littering the area around. you didn't even have to predict haechan's arms around your waist as he would sleep peacefully. you honestly figured it might even be an all-nighter tonight, but you didn't mind. whatever to make yourself happy, and truthfully you liked being able to look out into the night sky from the wide windows of your room; it giving you some kind of peace. and tonight, the sky was clear.

he held the door open for you, and you stepped out of the darkness and under the fluorescent lights. the store was almost completely empty, only a couple other students getting late night snacks. you liked how it reminded you of a quiet life, one that you wouldn't mind having.

your boyfriend followed you to the freezer that had cups of different cut ice, you choosing one that was just a giant ball. he didn't choose one, simply because he grabbed a strawberry milk for the two of you to share over bagged hazelnut coffee. he wasn't particularly hungry, but he couldn't say no to you — especially when you looked so cute practically begging him to come with you.

you went down the aisle filled with bagged chips and assorted sweet-snacks, turning and asking the man browsing, "do you want ramen?"

he raised an eyebrow and you both laughed quietly, "whatever you want, love."

you gave him a satisfied smile and went off to find your favorite pink-packaged buldak ramen. you also found a couple slices of cheese, just to drown out some of the spice.

when he was sure you were finished getting everything you wanted, he helped carry it to the counter. the worker rang it up quickly, and before you could finish pulling out your card to pay, haechan's was already in the machine; it dinging and signaling that the transaction went through.

you looked to him, not because you were surprised but because you were annoyed, he had payed for your dinner earlier as well, and now the snacks you dragged him to get at 2am with you. but you knew that if you were to ask him if he was hungry in a couple hours, he'd pay for your fried chicken order without you even knowing. he was always generous with you — he, simply, loved you so much.

"thank you." you said to the employee, grabbing the stuff and making your way to the bar-esk table. you turned to haechan, pouting out your lip to him.

"you're not going to say thank you to me?" he laughed out, punching a hole into the foil on top of the strawberry milk with the straw. you watched as he sat down, continuing to front being upset with him for paying. "after i was so generous, can't even give me a kiss?"

"oh hush," you gave in, dropping the act. you grabbed his face with your chilled hands, bringing yourself to plant a sweet kiss to his lips. you pulled away, a dorky smile on his face. "thank you, baby."

"anything for my girl."

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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loserlvrss · 2 days

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— ☆ did anyone figure out why links are not working on mobile??

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 3 days

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— ☆ hihi guys a little psa !!

please don’t be disrespectful and request for me to write something just to ask another writer the same prompt. i take time out of my schedule to draft and write stories according to what is asked. frankly, i find it incredibly rude. and as a writer yourself is crazy. i’m not a robot, i write all of this by hand, formulated from my own ideas.

i get that maybe it wasn’t exactly what was wanted but if you wanted their ideas and writing style you should’ve asked them before me — so i wouldn’t have had to overlook other requests to finish your story unnecessarily. i appreciate all the asks i get and i take them very seriously, so to be disrespected as a writer, by a writer isn’t nice :cc

anyways, that being said, i appreciate all the people who don’t do this and wait patiently for their request to be done. i asked a couple other of my writer friends and they find it incredibly disrespectful as well. we have asks open for you, because we like input and ideas from our followers/readers, but it’s not something that we can’t just turn off. an apology with tears will be expected <33

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 4 days

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plz continue writing for bonedo especially angst !! i literally started reading all ur angst fics for groups i didnt even stan cause theyre so good ily (the hanbin traffic one had me like 💔)

— ☆ oh em gee ily stop !! thank you <33 yk me and my angst fics are locked in lmao and ofc i plan to continue writing for bnd i love them a lot ,, angst will be in the works too !! if u have any requests let me know c: i’d be happy to take a suggestion (or specific members)

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 5 days

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꒰ 𝐅𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐑 ꒱ 박지성

summary : baking cookies with your boyfriend, who doesn’t actually know how to bake, leads to him getting playful

genre : fluff, jisung x afab!reader tws : kissing, language (i said hell once oh no) author notes : what can i say~~ word count : 0.7k

“jisung! oh my god, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”

the man looked down at you, eyebrows furrowed, “it’s just a spoon…”

“yes — well, let me do it. can’t have my little baby getting hurt.” you pushed him away from the countertop, taking the wood spoon from his hand without protest. jisung was slightly shocked at your seriousness, however he let you carry out whatever was justified inside your head, giggling quietly.

he replied matter-of-factly, “you’re younger than me, y/n, and much shorter.” but you didn’t care about his truthful words. you liked to tease jisung, as he was easy to make blush.

“yeah, yeah, you’re welcome, i love you too. now, can you read the next instruction please?”

you looked to your big bowl of blended sugar, butter, eggs and vanilla, then to the smaller one of flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt.

“it says to start mixing in the flour gradually.” he summarized while looking awfully focused, lips pouted. "then we can cut out shapes."

“okay!” you turned to him, “can you pour a little in while i mix it together? i’ll tell you when to add more.”

he took the bowl within his large hands, watching as you began to mix the two contents little by little. you thought it was adorable how concentrated he was for you, knowing that he wasn’t the best cook or baker out there — he tried his best to do as the recipe said so they’d turn out decent and make you happy... and honestly, he just wanted to prompt a decorating competition once they had cooled.

"add the rest, ji."

your boyfriend did as you said, turning the bowl over so that the rest of the contents spilled out. you huffed a quiet laugh when some of it scattered on the counter, jisung trying to right the wrong by scooping it up with his hand.

he looked at you apologetically, "don't worry about it, baby." you began, pushing your finger into the contents and then swiping it across his nose. he was shocked at first, but then he smiled, just as you intended. "we need some flour on the counter anyways to roll them out."

he mimicked your actions, swiping his finger through the excess, grabbing you by your cheeks and then pressing it against your nose gently. he smiled so sweetly at you, you found it hard to not do the same.

you gave him a look as he stated, "now we're even." letting you go back to stirring the mixture.

"you're not even competitive, ji." you mumbled the last bit, "besides, i'd let you win." but he heard you loud and clear. and it sparked that non-competitiveness; that was really just playfulness disguised.

the next couple of seconds went by too quick for you to even comprehend, but as if your eyes were closed jisung had gotten a pinch of flour out of jar and tossed it in your direction. it scattered across your face, falling to your chest. maybe he couldn’t believe it either as his eyes grew, your features straight and scrunched up.

his hand remained in the air when your eyes did finally open; caught red handed like he wasn’t the only other person in your kitchen — and the bowl sure as hell didn’t do that to you.

you let the spoon fall against the edge of the glass, fully turning to face the man at your side. “jisung…”

he became flustered, apologizing while using his flour-filled fingers to wipe your cheeks. your boyfriend paused when your feigned anger broke, a giggle escaping your lips.

you grabbed some flour, a smile on your face as you backed the man against the counter, trapping him. he looked curiously, seemingly accepting his fate.

you brushed your hands together, pushing them against his black shirt and leaving handprints over his chest that caused you both to laugh. then, you grabbed his cheeks, pulling him down to your level; but just before you met, you stopped, lips centimeters apart.

you admired his closed eyes, features tinted pink like he had blush on, and slightly parted lips. you both knew that you could pull him apart by his seams, and that he’d gladly accept it.

jisung moved first, closing the gap easily. he gripped your waist, pressing your lower back to get you as close as he could. you knew there’d probably be a couple flour-fingerprints against your leggings, but you honestly found it funny, cracking a smile against his lips.

he broke away, slightly winded, and still holding you close. “can we finish? i want to cut out a meummwonbom shape.”

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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loserlvrss · 6 days

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thank u for the tag @mxlly143 <33 this is so adorable xx

not tagging anyone specifically, do it if you want to !!

- soph 𓆤

i found a cool tag game on twitter and i really wanna import it (o^ ^o)

this picrew + the last song you listened to :]

no pressure tags: @blood-loving-leech @overtaken-boredom @lesbianthatyaps @kameonerd566 @hexedvampire @laczki @anonymous-shxtposter @fleurafae @flovqy + anyone who wants to do it <3

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 6 days

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can you do the bffs to lovers texts for &team maknae line. the older line was tooo good🫶🏻🫶🏻

— ☆ here’s ur request !! they’re not gonna be suggestive bc i’m literally older than half of them and not rocking with that but i hope they’re still good !! i love &team and these concept photos are making me feral. they look SO good. godddd. nicho’s make me so insane literally had tears in my eyes when they came up on my feed.

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 6 days

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꒰ 𝐁𝐅𝐅𝐒 𝐓𝐎 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐓𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐒 𝐖/ &𝐓𝐄𝐀𝐌 ꒱ アンドチーム

summary : from friends to more than that with &team’s maknae line (here’s the hyung line if u haven’t read it yet)

genre : fluff, &team x afab!reader, text au, smau tws : language, one death joke author notes : these are little bit more indirect because i forgot what i was doing until halfway through lmfaooo word count : n/a

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loserlvrss · 7 days

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꒰ 𝐘𝐎𝐔-𝐑 𝐋-𝐈-𝐏-𝐒 ꒱ 유승언

summary : you had to meet your mother for lunch, and your boyfriend just wanted a kiss before you left

genre : fluff, seungeon x afab!reader tws : kissing author notes : something short while i work on requests word count : 0.4k

you giggled, pushing the man back by the nape of his neck. this was the umpteenth time he’d pressed his lips to yours — and as much as you loved him, you really had to go and meet your mother for lunch.

“c’mon! just one more?” he was still awfully close to your face, arms wrapped around your waist as you sat against his lap; protesting after he’d pulled you down on him a couple of minutes ago now. “please?”

he’d been running his hands along your side, wrinkling the flowery sundress you had put on after showering. he could smell your sweet perfume, intoxicating him with every breath, and when you leaned down to hug him, he was taken aback by your sight. he knew you were beautiful — gorgeous, even — but he had never gotten used to it, if he was honest.

and, in reality, how could you deny him when he pleaded with such sparkly eyes?

but, that’s exactly how you found yourself in this situation; your weak will when it came to seungeon and his affection for you.

“it’ll be two hours max,” he cut you off again, kissing you quiet. you huffed against him, partially annoyed, and partially because your breath hadn’t even come back from the last time. “seungeon, please she’s gonna get worried.”

“tell her sunshine-candy-grass —“

“what’d you just fucking call me?” you laughed out, he looked at you so innocently, and it made you caress his cheek gently, “you and your stupid nicknames for people, baby.”

he smiled so widely — so cockily — it made your eyes roll, but his hands were then on your cheeks, gently pulling you once again to connect your (starting to swell) lips. at this point, you’d have to blame it on your lip gloss, and not admit that it was your boyfriends unrelenting desire to not let you leave.

you used the opportunity of his hands not around you to plant your feet back on the ground, using his shoulders as leverage to get away. he groaned when you pulled back, disconnecting your lips for hopefully the last time this hour.

you stood in front of him — far enough away so that history wouldn’t repeat itself — running your hand through his hair as he pouted up at you.

“i love you baby, i’ll be back soon.”

he knew you would, but that didn’t stop him from getting up to join your standing position.

he was relatively taller than you, staring down into your eyes with that cute-fucking-smile that he knew would make you fold.

seungeon’s hands were back on your cheeks, and as if you couldn’t guess where it was going he asked, “just one more?” before leaning in to, once again, acquaint your lips.

if only you could escape your boyfriend for a couple of seconds you’d then have text your mom and tell her you were running late.

but you weren’t all too upset about it.

reblogs, likes and comments are greatly appreciated! thank u!

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loserlvrss · 9 days

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— ☆ i’m doing an exam rn :cc but what are your guys favorite no skip kpop/cpop/jpop albums on repeat recently ?? (share if u want)

here are some of mine :

moment by one pact

dream()scape by nct dream

livelock by xdinary heroes

on my youth by wayv

(i say that as i do this to the full istj album lmao)

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #(000.) song req

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loserlvrss · 10 days

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— ☆ because i’ve been getting new followers recently here’s some basic stuff about me and my blog !! & also a link to my carrd <33

name: sophia, sophie, soph (idc which one)

pet names: fine with almost all (i use them too sometimes, let me know if that makes you uncomfortable, i can stop)

age: nineteen (sagittarius)

i’m a college student who also has a part-time job, and i try to make time to write however it’s hard to, so during the school months i don’t write as consistently/live off my queue.

some of my content does include suggestive/smut themes so be cautious and read the warnings — however i will not be responsible for your consumption of inappropriate things, i’m not your parent. i don’t care enough for that to be honest.

you can view my masterlist to see who i write for, but it’s not limited to only the ones that i do currently have content for. i know enough about a lot of other groups (i’ve been deep in the phase since 2018) to do a couple miscellaneous fics if desired !! just ask, the worst is i’ll tell you politely that i can’t do it. i’ll also write for girl idols too !!

anyways, i have requests open all of the time !! you can also just talk to me, or send me your soft/hard thoughts. i will reply eventually <3

or send me fics that you guys like, i want to read them !!

i also love making new friends even though i’m an introvert :c so if you think we’d be a good match, i’m chronically online and will probably answer within 12 hours depending on my schedule !! will put you on an anonymous list if u send an emoji as the “signature” c:

here’s what i have drafting rn: thirsty, kim sunwoo school!au smut. kim leehan & han taesan sfw + nsfw bf headconons. untitled (rn) park jisung fluff. friends to lovers, &team maknae line texts. a few (like 3) sequels to fics. kim jungwoo fluff. & yoo seungeon fluff.

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 10 days

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not tagged but i love yapping !!

1. rn im back in my nct era (bring back taeyong he’s served enough)

2. gemini or ph1 (oh god oh god oh god i’m tweaking having to choose only like two)

3. 5sos (i wanna go back to the 5sos show)

4. sabrina carpenter (this woman is beautiful live)

5. american (throws up)

6. sage/light green, black, light blue, purple

7. kim jungsu (trick question, that’s actually already my boyfriend don’t play)

- soph 𓆤

i made a quiz (tag anyone you want to join)

fav kpop grp

fav kpop sololist

fav pop band

fav pop sololist

your nationality

fav colour

if you could date ONE kpop idol who would it be? (ONLY ONE)

thank you sm for making this (it's so cute<3)

Enhypen <33333

Crush

Prettymuch

Keshi

half canadian/half irish (living in Canada)

Blue (percy jackson fan here ^u^)

definitely sunghoon <3333

i'll be tagging :3 @alvojake @yeonzzzn @wondipity @wonlvkay @dollywons

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 11 days

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BEAUTIFUL PERSON AWARD! Once you are given this award you're supposed to paste it in the asks of 8 people who deserve it. If you break the chain nothing happens, but it's sweet to know someone thinks you're beautiful inside and out. <33

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 12 days

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thanks for the tag brie @euseokz i loveee youu

last song : box by nct dream

favorite color : light/sage green, black, light blue, purple

currently watching : supernatural seasons 1-5 (again)

spicy/savory/sweet : savory (but spicy if i feel like it)

relationship status : i wish i knew too man (haechan wya ?!)

current obsession : sandwiches, kimchi & feta cheese

no pressure tags c: @mxlly143 @wonyoluvie @kimakento @sjyluv

- soph 𓆤

— nine people i'd like to get to know better ❣️

tagged by: @lix-ables one of my fav creators on here!! ily and just so you know i would Also like to get to know you better <3

last song: sugarcoat (kiss of life NATTY solo)

favourite colour: dark blue, I love it a lot it’s a calm color and somehow reminds me of rainy nights

currently watching: i'm not a person who watches much, so right now I’m watching stray kids content videos

spicy/savoury/sweet: this is hard! Because I love all three 😭 but I’ll take a mix of spicy and savory

relationship status: currently single!

current obsession: sherlock cover by stray kids, hyunjins silky hair

tagging: @cgnab @bbyquokka @jinnie-ret I don’t even know 9 ppl (not forcing!)

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 12 days

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Okay, listen, i'm in my angsty era and I NEED a fic with ZB1 Hanbin OR Zhang Hao (whichever YOU thinks fits this best!) based off of the song "like you want me to" by Lyn Lapid where reader believes they deserve someone better <3

— ☆ here’s ur request ♡ i couldn’t tell if you meant the reader deserved better or the other way around, so i did it mostly based of the song, and a bit of both ! i hope it was angsty enough !!

- soph 𓆤

#˚🖇️✩ — soph’s tmi #kpop #jpop #🤍

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loserlvrss · 12 days

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꒰ 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐖𝐀𝐍𝐓 𝐌𝐄 𝐓𝐎 ꒱ 성한빈

summary : your boyfriend was perfect, everyone could agree on it... so why were you trying so hard to love him how he wanted you to?

genre : angst, hanbin x afab!reader tws : language, angst author notes : y'all know i love my sad stories don’t play word count : 1.4k

you felt a tear escape your eye, rolling over your nose bridge and splotching against the white pillow case. you fought with sniffling, afraid you'd make the man pressed against your back stir.

you tried to make your pulse race, heart swell, anything that said you loved him more than anything. but, whenever you looked at him you saw someone that shouldn't be yours anymore; it just broke your heart instead.

you stayed up at night imagining all the ways he should make you feel. and it had nothing to do with under achieving because he was the epitome of perfection — really — everyone could contest to your boyfriend being the man of their dreams.

so, why couldn't he be the man of yours?

you were supposed to be the lucky one because he could picture himself marrying you someday. he's said he was prepared to settle down with you, start a family, and be yours forever. he wanted the picquet fences, two and a half kids, to live the dream people strive their whole lives to achieve. you had every door opened for you. with his hand in yours you should feel on top of the world. but, you didn't, and it made you feel as if you were stuck leading him on, trying too hard to love him like he wanted you to.

just like you know you have the privilege to.

but it wasn't enough. however, you didn't know what was either then.

loves supposed to be a two-way-street, a 50/50 between give and take. of course, you knew it would come with sacrifices, nonetheless, wasn't your peace of mind too high a price to pay?

it’s been said that the moment secrets start to pile up — the moment you start to feel on edge around the single person you're supposed to come to for anything — the relationship isn't meant to go on.

you gripped his arm tighter, trying to get warm while being swirled by such cold ghosts. they knew all the secrets you kept at bay during the day. however, once the sun went down, they taunt you as if it's the only thing they were conjured to do.

you couldn't figure out if being alone was worse than feeling alone with him at your side. were you prepared to suck it up; to fake it until you make it? would it, in the end, be like the movies and you have this big epiphany, finally realizing that you did love him?

because you thought you did.

but if this was what love is supposed to feel like, then you couldn't understand why people search their whole lives for a mediocre feeling that just weighs heavy within your gut.

it was seemingly closer to guilt.

this house you two had built together was haunted, and it was getting harder and harder to not look over your shoulder like you've actually done something wrong.

maybe you liked the hurt. maybe you liked knowing that you were yearned for as deeply as he does for you... or maybe that was all the lies it took to make you stay.

you always cursed yourself for being too easy, knowing you deserved better from yourself. more.

would he cry if you pushed your way from his arms, using shallow breaths to try and explain yourself? would he cry if he knew you were leaving?

would you?

you were walking a thin line between this and whatever you wanted it to be. you knew it would be easy to stay, but don't you deserve to feel like you're on cloud nine whenever you see him? if you googled the definition of love and happiness, your picture-perfect relationship wouldn't even be within the search results.

it was gut-wrenching. physically nauseating. there was no way you could face him, looking in his eyes as you said you loved him too, while knowing your palms didn't sweat with anticipation. you’d kiss his lips and think that he was just another man, and that made you ill. you wanted so desperately to be in love with him, that you've caused yourself to hurdle to the bathroom just to lie and say that you ate something bad earlier in the day.

was there something wrong with you? you always thought that there must have been. you had it good — so, so easy — he's what everybody wants, a true gentleman, the definition of husband material: he was good with kids, he respected you, he's confident and always spoke kindly. so, why was it, in reality, so hard?

you found yourself recalling memories that felt good in the moment, but you always had a lingering thought — a rash that burned your skin — that something was off.

“bin, do you love me?”

“more than anything.”

it echoed in your head, swirling your thoughts like a wild tornado, and bouncing off every surface.

“do you love me?”

no. yes. maybe? it was as simple as a couple words, but more complicated than you could have ever imagined. no, you loved the idea of him. yes, he was perfect. and, maybe.

you keep thinking you could. you want to. you’ve willed yourself to. but, did you?

“yes, more than anything.”

did the lies get better the more times they’re worn?

maybe.

you thought it’d be easier if he didn’t. you thought it’d be easier to let go if he only liked you a lot. maybe even less than a lot — a moderate amount?

you found it hard to look at yourself because you played the role so well that you didn’t even know who you were anymore. the perfect girlfriend. the loving wife. the trophy at his side. the flash of the camera that never catches the movie. but, it was sickening seeing someone else’s face staring back at you every time you’d pass a reflective surface.

but if you kept trying to force yourself into the house that never felt like a home, you felt like you’d eventually go crazy — actually, absolutely batshit insane as the plaster whispered to you; words that sounded sweet but never tasted like it.

if there was any reason to get out, it was doubt. and, that’s all you feel when you touch him. as sad as it is, all good things must come to a bittersweet end. were you prepared to let the curtain fall and the ending credits roll? you feared not, but you feared a lot of things.

you didn’t want him to beg you, honestly you didn’t even want him to wake up and see you leaving. maybe you could will the wind to pick up, masking your sounds. you didn’t want him to look down at you with such adoration that it made you rethink the decision that you have never stopped thinking about.

you’ve rarely ever lost the ability of sight — to critically think — but when faced with the pros and the cons of toughing out the relationship, you just felt lost.

you could on and on being ignorant, but what’s love if there’s nothing left to fight for? you didn’t know. and maybe that’s what pained you the most; you didn’t know.

would it be right, or would it be wrong? only time would tell. your decision would tell.

it did tell.

you’d left a letter on the cool countertop, splotched with tears and ink stains. the ballpoint pen still laid next to it as you stared at your signature, your heart. it was romantic, but in reality stupid to romanticize something so cruel. maybe you did love him, and that’s why you had to let him go.

was it undignified to write your words instead of telling him face to face? or did it take strength to do something you never thought you could?

he deserved someone who was prepared to take on everything he could ever want — knowing you couldn’t give that to him washed you with guilt — you knew that anything and everything within the world should be his. you also knew somewhere deep down that it would hurt, maybe he’d even cry for you, but soon he’d see that you weren’t anything special. you were just another girl who would eventually become a footnote in a chapter he’d come to forget about.

he deserved better than artificial i love yous, better than superficial feelings and uncertain heartbeats. he deserved better than cold skin, and pale features. he deserved nonverbal affection and reassurance. he deserved actions and devotion. he deserved a lot, but one thing he never deserved was you.

and you never deserved to receive all of that from him for nothing in return. however, you knew he wouldn’t take it back even if he had the chance to. he loved you like bees love flowers, like the sun loves the moon, like the body needs air, and it made your stomach turn.

you’d found someone so easy to fall in love with, but that’s exactly what you couldn’t do.

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