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justoneday-namjoonii · 4 years

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Don’t Breathe | 3.0

»Genre: hitman!au || stalker!au ||

»Warnings: kidnapping, stalking, obsession, themes of potential Stockholm syndrome, mono-phobia, mature elements, manhandling, breakdowns, yandere (? i think ), he thinks it’s cute when she cries, eventually they fall in love, Disclaimer: I do not condone nor suggest stalking/kidnapping or anything of that nature, this is pure fiction ok, kidnappers and stalkers DON’T love you.

»Summary: He doesn’t get shaky hands, he never forgets his gloves and he never leaves a trail. He was told to get rid of everyone who witnessed the conversation between a gang lord and a politician, they were picked off, one by one. He found out a month ago, he missed one. A young writer who attended the event where the exchange took place. He has to kill her. Can he do it?

✤ pt.1 - pt.2 - pt.2.5 - pt.3.0 - pt. 3.5 - pt. 4.0 - pt.4.5

A/n: it’s literally been a long a** while, but it’s here💙 ps will edit later probably

“Okay, ma’am, can you explain to me how you found out she was missing one more time? I just want to verify that the report is consistent with what you told us previously.”

“Sure,” Suzy squirmed in her seat, feeling squeamish due to the busy police station. “I went to her apartment to check on her because her upcoming article was missing and she never forgets to log in her articles. She wasn’t answering my calls or texts, I got worried. When I knocked on her door, I didn’t get an answer, but that’s when I saw that the door was unlocked. I walked inside and everything looked normal but she wasn’t there, and her necklace was on the floor,”

Her mouth goes dry the more she recalls the emptiness of your home, the sheer horror she felt when she saw your most prized possession on the ground.

“She never goes anywhere without that necklace.”

“Alright ma’am, have you seen or heard from her on any social media in the last 24 hours?”

“No, I haven’t…”

She smiled. “Okay. Our officers will do everything they can to find her, alright? So don’t worry too much, she might’ve left her phone off or something, things like that happen all the time.” The woman laughed a bit, nonchalantly, as if she wasn’t talking about a human being who could be scared for her life.

“Alright, thank you…”

She left the station, heart heavy. And she couldn’t figure out why, but something about the woman’s words made her feel worse.

You woke up really early, around 4 or 5 in the morning, and you were trying so hard to quietly try to open the window but it was bolted shut. You tried the door, but even that was locked from the outside. After an hour or so, you gave up and went to sleep.

But you’re up now, and you’re trying to escape, again.

You screamed at the top of your lungs but you know you weren’t heard by a soul. He had cuffed you again while you were asleep and it was extra tight, you felt like your wrists were being crushed. You were furious. You were mad at that monster, the restraints, and the stupid bed he left you on. You started to think, how will I be able to escape? What did I do wrong? Is this really the life I have to live now?

Your thoughts are interrupted by a wobbling doorknob and you freeze, watching it open slowly. It’s him of course.

“Why are you screaming?” He looks annoyed and you curl into the corner, brows furrowed.

“Why do you think?” You spat, yanking against the cuff instinctively as you have the strongest urge to scratch him.

“Listen,” He approaches the bed and you lean into the corner as he takes a seat on the edge, “I’m being very generous. I’ve given you food, left you in very humane living conditions...Do you want to go down to the basement like an animal? Is that what you want?”

“I want you to let me go.”

“Well, that’s not gonna happen,” He stands to his feet and stares down at you, making you feel ten times smaller than you already did.

“We need to talk about some things. I have someone coming over, someone who wanted you dead and thinks you’re dead. So, if you want to stay alive, you need to listen. I’m going to put you in my room and you’re gonna stay there until he leaves.”

“Who- Who wants me dead?...” You stutter.

“My boss, he gave me the job. If he finds out I took a hostage in instead of selling you to him or killing you, he won’t be happy.” He takes in a breath and looks you over, your wrists are all bruised up. “Are you going to cooperate and walk to the room or do I have to drag you?”

“Take these ropes off my hands and you’ll find out.”

He shrugs. “Ok.”

You’re taken aback when he kneels on the bed and waits for you to turn your back towards him. Cautiously, you turn your back to him and he starts to loosen your binds. When you feel that your hands are free, you turn to sit on your butt and rub your wrists.

“I didn’t think you’d actually do it...” It’s only now that you realize that he’s staring at you, and you make the mistake of meeting his gaze. His eyes are surprisingly soft and you hadn’t noticed it before, they’re captivating and you force yourself to look away.

“Come on, he’ll be here soon.” With that, he walks out of the room, assuming that you’ll follow him, you don’t.

He looks at you, waiting for you to realize that you’re being unnecessarily difficult. When you see the slight move towards you, you decide to get up and follow him. He takes you down the hall and after a few turns, he walks into a large bedroom, one that’s well kept and fresh-smelling. Once you’re both inside, he closes the door.

“If you get hungry, there’s a mini-fridge in the closet,” He points to the closet, “If he finds out you’re here, we’ll both be in trouble.” With that, he closes the door—funny how he doesn’t lock its door, assuming you won’t try to leave.

This isn’t the best idea, having the person who thinks you’re dead in the house with you. But there was no way he could say no to Minho, that’s his boss and it would look odd if he canceled. While waiting for his guest, he orders some food. He placed the order at his regular take out place and went to the kitchen to wait.

What am I doing? This is the most reckless decision he’s ever made. In an attempt to reason with himself, he blamed his change of heart on the fact that he met you—he should have never run into you. The rules are simple, don’t make contact with the target, don’t get attached, don’t watch them for too long or you will get attached. He did all of that, and now he’s finding out why those rules were made in the first place.

He hears a knock on the door and pushes those thoughts away.

When he lets his boss inside, any thoughts he had of you vanished and he became the person his boss knows him as. Emotionless, calm.

“I wanted to talk to you about your last job,” Minho takes a seat in his living room, in his usual seat in near the window—he always said the view was priceless and to let him know if he were ever willing to sell, “I heard from an informant at the police station that she was reported as missing, do you know anything about that,” He takes a sip of the tea Tae always gives him.

“No, I don’t,” He deadpans, taking a seat and turning the music down with a low command to the speaker, “the girl is gone.”

“They found a necklace at the scene, the woman who went to check on her, I think it was her boss or something, said she doesn’t go anywhere without it,” Minho relaxes, exhaling in thought, “it’s getting a little messy.”

“That comes with the job sometimes,” the doorbell rings and Tae is thankful for the speedy delivery, the growing tense air was beginning to suffocate him. After putting the portion he bought for you in the fridge, he brings the food to the living room.

“But she’s not a high-profile target, she’s a writer,” Yet, people are worried about your disappearance.

After a few minutes of sitting on his massive bed, you choose to disregard his instructions and crack the door to try to listen to what they were saying. Gosh, the food smelled good.

“What did you do with her?”

“You know I don’t like to tell, but she’s taken care of,” Taehyung opened up his food, “this will blow over eventually.”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Not much I can do about that,”

Minho laughs, wondering why some useless girl would be the issue they have to face with a case as sensitive as this one. “You should have sold her to me, I’d make good use of her. And teach her a lesson on minding her own business, if it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t have had to go back to the job. She was your first female and your youngest target yet, I went through your headcount file.”

“Yeah, she was around my age,”

“She was cute too, would’ve done well at House Lucia’s,” That dreaded place, “but I know you don’t like that place but it’s better than the other options.” Minho pulls a letter out of his suit and sits it on the coffee table.

“That’s your next job, Park’s gonna join you.”

Taehyung cringed, anyone but Park.

“Why Park?” He opens up the envelope and examines the case.

“He’s skilled with squeezing information out of people. Besides, it’s not an eliminate the target case. Go to the Gala, Park will handle the mistresses and you find the guy. Do you accept it? It’s a 75k payout.”

“Yeah, when is it?”

“Tonight,” Minho gets up, “he’ll be here tonight. Attire is formal and he’ll have your invitations. I enjoyed lunch, as always,” Tae walks him to the door and his boss goes to the backseat of the car that came for him.

“Same here,” He bids him goodbye and closes the door he breathing a sigh of relief.

“You can come out, I know you’re listening.”

Shoot.

You creep out of the hallway and stand at the banister, looking down at him.

“I bought you some food, you can eat it in my room,” He walks to the kitchen to get it out of the fridge and when he walks upstairs, you’re already back in his room.

You eye him as he enters the room, glancing at you when he sits the food on the end of the bed. He kneels down and suddenly he’s cuffing your ankles together, you frown, not responding fast enough to move

“Why are you-”

“I’m gonna let you stay in here while I work on some things, I don’t want you to run.” He stands to his feet and you sit on his bed, you wondered, how could he have known that you planned to run from him.

“I’m bringing you back to the basement tonight, so enjoy this while it lasts.”

It’s a Styrofoam plate, harmless enough. You hesitantly lift the lid to see white rice and other little sides, it looks good but you don’t want to eat it, not while he’s in here.

“How could I enjoy this? You have me chained up, how could anyone enjoy this...” You mumble.

“Eat.”

That’s all he says before sitting at his desk and turning on his desk top, ignoring you.

Eventually, you decided that you weren’t going to miss out on getting food. If you’re going back to the basement, there’s no telling if he’ll forget you again.

So you eat, but you do it spitefully.

He scrolls through the hundreds of file his target database with the letter G until he finds the mans name. Gorka, Ulysses. The man is a big-time statesmen, he has his hands in a lot of underground stuff and it seems like the ex-wife did too, she’s the one who paid for job. He scoffs, the man probably has no idea she’s hiring people to end his entire empire—this is one of the interesting parts of his job, the research.

“Um,” You clear your throat and he looks back at you from writing something in his notebook, “I have to use the restroom...”

“Go ahead,” Pointing to his bathroom, he turns back and continues his writing.

You take small steps towards the his bathroom and you close the door behind you, locking it.

Even though he’s fine with the job, he’s never liked working with partners, disturbs his process a little bit. But he’s fine with being flexible, looks good on his resume.

When you finish washing your hands, you slowly open the bathroom door to see him looking through a drawer under his bed. It’s hard to see what he picked up, but you look a little harder and realize that it’s some of your clothes. You shudder, thinking of how he acquired your belongings when he took you from your house.

He looks back at you when you walk further into the room, your awkward search for somewhere to sit catching his attention.

“You’re in a better situation than you would have been,” He turns to you, hair dangling over his piercing eyes, “you’re lucky...”

You frown, unsure of where he’s going with that. How could you be lucky? Right before your big article, you get kidnapped and forced to live with your kidnapper. “Are you serious?...” You couldn’t believe what he just said. “How am I lucky?”

No response.

“Hey, did you hear me?” You raise your voice, standing to your feet. “This isn’t luck!”

Calmly, he eyes you.

“I want to go to the basement, put me in there.” Your request catches him off guard but he shrugs, turning back around as if you didn’t even say anything. “Fine, I’ll go myself...”

You try to walk to the door anyway, your shuffling not letting you leave as quick as you wanted to. Before you can even make it halfway, he’s closing the door with a slam and locking it.

“Get on the bed.” His eyes lock on yours like a predator to prey—you have goosebumps.

“But I just want to go back to the basement, I won’t run.” You’re frozen where you stand, trying to determine his temperament. “Just leave me down there-”

“What did I just say?” His tone firms as he slowly approaches you.

“But- But you’re gonna put me down there anyway- Ah!” You gasp when you’re shoved back first onto the bed, holding you down by your arms as he kneels one knee between your legs. Eyes wide and heart-pounding, you whine, words not leaving your mouth.

“Do you know how lucky you are that you’re here? Had you been assigned to someone else, do you have any idea where you’d be right now,” He leans down, limiting the proximity between your faces but you turn your face to the side, trying to push your face into the comforter below you, “you’re a target, you’re not being treated like a target and you need to realize that. Stop acting out.”

He let’s go of one of your arms in favor of turning your face to him. “Look at me.”

“No, no-” Tears stream down your face and your nose glows red, your sinuses responding to your weeping. You use your now free arm to try to push his chest, he shakes his head at your poor attempt.

He let’s go of your arm so he can snatch both your wrists and holds them to your abdomen with one hand.

“You’re gonna stay in this room until I take you downstairs. If you act like this when I try to grant you some freedom, I’ll give you something to cry about.” Your breathing is shaky and you sniffle, eyes watery and wide. He wipes a tear from your eye with his knuckle and lets you go, walking back to his chair as if he didn’t just threaten your life.

Still in shock, you curl up on the bed and do the only thing you can do—you cry. He’s not phased by your fit at all, he continues to finish his work as your whimpers accompany his soft piano music on his Bluetooth speaker.

This is really happening.

Normally, you’d scold yourself for feeling sorry for yourself. You’d tell yourself that there are people who are suffering far more than you are—that you shouldn’t complain, you’re lucky. But you’ve never felt more unlucky, you’ve never felt more alone.

After a good two hours, he notices that your cries aren’t heard anymore and he looks at the bed, you had cried yourself to sleep. Poor thing, he thinks to himself. It’s about time for him to get ready to go, so you finally get your wish to return to the basement. He picks you up and walks you down the stairs, your out cold the whole walk.

He hopes you’ll find it more comfortable, he made you a fluffy safe haven on the corner of the large space. While you slept, he set up the plushy floor cushion that he ordered last night so you wouldn’t have to sleep on a padding-less mat. It was pretty expensive but he didn’t mind the price, it actually complimented the basement nicely. Laying you on the cushion, he un-cuffs your ankles. Instead of the small ones, he uses a long-chained cuff attached to the steel on the wall behind the cushion and hooks it to your wrist.

He covers you up with a fluffy blanket, caressing the side of your face when you snuggle against the cover, sighing in comfort.

Admittedly, he wishes you’d look that comfortable with him one day, sigh in his arms. In time, he hopes you’ll be able to realize that everything he’s doing is to spare your life.

He slips his gloves off, tossing them in the bin outside the lavish room in the wide-open halls of the mansion. After adjusting his suit jacket, he looks down at his watch, it’s getting late.

The party is still going on downstairs and now that the dirty work is done, he needs to find Park Jimin. A short walk past the many bedrooms and just when he thinks he should go look downstairs, he hears a giggling female. That means Jimin isn’t far. He approaches what looks like a powder room.

When he slowly opens the door he immediately turns his head, rolling his eyes, such class.

He takes out his phone and calls him, hoping that’ll get him to hurry up. With that, he takes a walk to the stairs and not long after, Jimin is fumbling out of the room, hair disheveled.

Our little secret, remember? Taehyung nearly throws up when he hears him say that to the woman who’s at least ten years older than him. He looks back at his temporary partner, watching as he zips his fly with the utmost class if that were possible.

“Hey, I got a little sidetrack, but I have what I need,” He walks beside him, a red glow on his cheeks, “you?”

“Of course.” Tae shrugs, “We should head out.”

“Already?” Jimin scoffs. “You’re no fun, Kim.”

Shaking his head, the two of them leave the party swiftly, Jimin’s Lambo growling in the night as Taehyung sits restless, he left you too long. He wonders if Jimin can pick up on his eagerness to get home, he’s sure it’s not that detectable. These jobs were never his thing, alcohol, too many people, too many distractions.

When Jimin drops him off but asks to come in so he can use the restroom.

“Down the hall, to your right.” Taehyung points, taking off his suit jacket and tossing it on the couch. For the life of him, he hopes you don’t start screaming, the last thing he needs is for Jimin to find out that you’re here.

It's painstakingly long few minutes before he breathes in relief, Jimin is walking down the hall, wiping his hands.

“It was a pleasure Taehyung, as always,” He leaves out of the front door with a wave.

Locking the door with the app on his phone, he waits for a few minutes. Just long enough to know Jimin had pulled out of the hallway and is halfway down the road.

Quickly, he goes to the kitchen to get you a snack and some water. He puts it on a plate and goes to the basement door, he presses his ear against the door to see if he could hear you moving around. Sniffling, he hears your sniffling and his heart drops a little bit.

He opens the door, the sound of his footsteps prompts you to wipe your face, he doesn’t get to see me cry again, that’s what you told yourself. You stare at him as he walks down the stairs, he’s wearing a dress shirt and dress pants. The dark blue silk shirt is rolled up to his elbows and a little unbuttoned, you assume he went somewhere fancy.

“Are you hungry?”

You shake your head no, not looking him the eyes.

“Well, I’ll leave it, just in case you change your mind,” He sits it on the cushion right beside you. For a moment, he stares at you for a bit longer than what most would deem comfortable.

“I bought this for you,” He’s referring to the cushion he so kindly chained you to, “hopefully you’ll sleep better.” Still refusing to give him eye contact, you bite at your lip anxiously, why won’t he just leave you alone?

He lightly touches your hand and you flinch away, a panicked glint in your eyes as you press yourself to the back of the cushion to be as far from his as possible. He backs away from you, a little confused.

“Hey, it’s okay,” He furrows his brows, eyes landing on your wrists, still bruised from your previous attempts to get away, “You need something on those bruises, I have a salve that’ll help,” He stands from his kneeling position.

“I’ll be back,” With that, he retreats upstairs.

As soon as the door closes, you wait a few seconds but eventually, you reach for the water and take a small sip. For all you know, he could have put something in the water, but you choose not to care.

It’s not long before he’s open the door, skipping down the stairs in sweats and a t-shirt, the salve in his hands, and what looks like cloth bandage.

“You drank some water, that’s good,” He’s scarily observant. Naturally, as if he had done it a thousand times, he reaches for your arm but you don’t shy away. What he had said to you early today comes to your mind so you decide not to give him any reason to fulfill the threats.

Sitting on the cushion beside you, he brings one of your wrists to his lap. You watch him gather some of the salves on his fingers before gently applying it to your skin. He does the same thing to the one hand he has chained and then wraps them in the soft cloth, careful not to make it to tight. When he closes up the jar, you bring your hands to yourself and you look at him, his face illuminated by the dim lights.

“I’ve never done this before,” He speaks suddenly, “I don’t know if that makes you feel any better.”

“It doesn’t...” You mutter, staring down at the metal circle on your wrist.

“I don’t expect you to trust me, but everything I’ve done, it’s not what you think.” He turns to you, causing you to look away once again. “You’re a good person, it’s nothing you did.”

“Then let me leave,” You swallow, “I- I promise, I won’t tell anyone, just let me go home, my family will be devastated when if they find out. I heard that guy you were talking to, someone reported me as a missing person, that means someone is looking for me... ”

He sighs. “I can’t.”

“Why not? You don’t seem like a bad person. If something in you is telling you to let me go, why don’t you listen to it?” You quietly plead, hoping your desperate tone affected him in some way.

“If they find out that I let you go, if my boss finds out that you’re still alive-...I can’t let that happen, you know too much, he’ll kill you.”

“The article is destroyed, so the guy who wanted it gone has nothing to worry about, I don’t understand why I even matter...”

“You just do. You can’t bargain with me about this. If there was a way for me to let you free without anything bad happening to me or you, I’d do it, but there’s not...” He pushes his hair back, brows furrowed in what seems to be distress.

He sighs, “I’ve never been assigned someone so young, you’re so close to my age. And I probably could’ve completed the job, but when I met you, and I looked in your eyes...” His words trail off and he stands up. “I couldn’t do it.”

“I feel like I’m being punished...” You look away, hands finicky, “I don’t feel like I’m being saved or protected, do you have any idea how afraid I am of you? You’re a stranger who’s saying all the things that I don’t know anything about, and you’re keeping me locked up in a basement. What you’re doing to me, it’s wrong...”

He suddenly gets on his knees and kneels in front of you, taking your hands into his despite your efforts to pull away.

“I hope you’ll understand that this is the only way like I said...You might eventually learn to like me, but you don’t have to,” He looks up at you, his doe eyes looking incredibly sincere, very different from how you’ve been seeing him, “and I won’t make you.”

You bite your bottom lip, “I don’t want to be here...”

Suddenly, he reaches a hand up and cups the back of your head. “it’ll be okay,” The size of his hand is now brought to your realization when his finger grazes your ear. He presses his forehead to yours and your eyes squeeze shut a the contact. When you feel your nose almost touch his, you instinctively jerk back and your hand responds on its own accord.

The sound of skin bluntly meeting skin is heard and you’re cowering back, immediately regretting your innate response. He lifts his hand to his now reddened cheek, he didn’t expect it to hurt so bad—you’re stronger than you look.

“Don’t- I just- Were you trying to kiss me?...” You stammer, a frown on your face. When you don’t fully elaborate, you settle on your own conclusion that he knows what you’re trying to say. He looks up at you finally, now standing tall above you.

He grabs your wrist, tugging you forward. It hurts a little but you stay silent, “This is why I like you, Y/n, that fiery spirit,” He suddenly drops your hand, seeming as if he decided not to physically respond. His response leaves you speechless, it’s not what you expected, “keep it up, you’re tempting me...”

With that, he leaves the basement and flicks off the light. “Goodnight,”

After staring at the door for a good minute, you decide it’s safe enough for you to lay down. You’re not sure how to feel about him right now. But for some reason, fear and apprehension aren’t as intense as before. And you might be wrong, but he sounded like he was convicted about doing all of this to you. Maybe he was just trying to make you feel like you could trust him, it’s hard to tell. But if there’s one thing for sure, something in your gut tells you that he’s not bad, he’s not the monster that you thought he was...

“She’s missing, her supervisor called me, said I was on her old emergency contact list,” He holds his phone between his shoulder and ear, not in a million years did he think he’d be calling his ex-girlfriend's mother with information like this, “don’t worry too much, I’ll try to get in contact with her.”

It’s been a few weeks since you two have talked, so when Suzy called him, his heart just dropped. Even after your break-up, almost a year ago, you two considered yourselves friends. The two years you shared together were great. You were thriving in your career, he finishing Med-school so he could begin his residency. Many nights were spent with you staying late at the office, or him pressing for finals—your lives just weren’t merging. That’s when you both decided you were better off as friends. But you still have platonic love for each other

“Dr. Kim, I switched shifts with Katelyn,” Sara, the new medical assistant at the clinic peeked on through the open office door, ”I’ll make sure she gets those messages,”

He nods, getting his keys so he can head out too. When he leaves, getting his car, he decides to shoot you a text, hoping you might respond.

Jin: Hey love, I know it’s been awhile, hope you’re doing okay. I got a call from your supervisor this morning, apparently I was still on your emergency contact list at work. She said she went to your house and you were’t there. She waited 24 hours and you still hadn’t shown up to work , contacted anybody. She went to the police station, reported you as missing. If you’re okay, please contact me or anyone, I’m a little worried

Taehyung lies in his bed, not bothering to slide under the sheets, his skin is warm to-touch. His cheek still stings, the feeling brings the image of your face to his mind, and he feels remorse. Never in all his years alone, did he think he’d long for someone's company, someone's gaze meeting his. This penthouse has always been a bit lonely, all this money and space, it can’t take the form of a person. A companion.

He feels guilty. He doesn’t have the right to think of your face, your eyes, your gentle hands that can inflict such pain, your spirit, what right does he have to grow so fond of those things. He’s never kidnapped anyone, especially not someone he was supposed to have killed months ago. But he did it to you, to the one he missed, in the words of his boss. The guild’s warnings prove to have been true all along. Don’t keep a target as a hostage, don’t get attached—it’s happening. He’s starting to want to get to know you, to get you to smile for him, at least once—it’s damn selfish, he hates himself for it.

When he hears a buzz coming from the drawer of his nightstand. He sits up, confused for a moment until he opens it up, realizing he had put your phone in there. He picks up the phone and presses on the message. He reads the message, eyes narrowing at the endearing term he used. Curious, he unlocks your phones and goes through your text vigorously, searching for what he hoped wasn’t there. As he goes to your past old messages from months ago, he sees I love yous, I miss yous, dinner at 7 my place? Then the texts become less frequent, the tender tone is no more and there’s apologizing on both ends. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that this guy is your ex, now he’s on the list of people who are worried about you.

He drops your phone back in the drawer. There’s no way anyone could find you yet, he’s nervous. This is getting too close, and at this point, he shouldn’t, but he wants you closer.

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black-mesa-hive-au · 4 years

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Entry 3

(on their way to Dr. Kleiner’s office) Calhoun: So, doc- how's your day been?

Dr. Freeman: (silent for a minute, then gives a slight nod and thumbs up)

Calhoun: Hmm...that's good, that's good. What did you have for lunch?

Dr. Freeman: [pasta.]

Calhoun: (nods slowly) Mm...pasta is good. I like spaghetti. Alfredo is OKAY...but I'm not a big fan of cheese.

Dr. Freeman: (nods slightly, putting his hands in his pockets)

Calhoun: say….what do you think we're gonna learn? Like you got any theories as to any of this, really?

Dr. Freeman: (silent for a minute, then shakes his head no)

Calhoun: Me either. Watch it be a small little thing that'll easily pass (chuckle) I bet this is all just a misunderstanding!

Dr. Freeman: (shakes his head no harshly)

Calhoun: Huh? What makes you think that?

Dr. Freeman: [........]

Calhoun: it's fine, you don't have to answer….I was just curious. I'm kinda bombarding you with questions I guess. I'm just anxious.

(They reach the door to Dr. Kliener's office, Dr. Freeman taking the lead and knocking on the door. Moments later, a pair of eyes poke through the blinds of the window.)

Dr. Kleiner: (opens the door) Oh hello Gordon! And Barney 2...2295?

Calhoun: I prefer Calhoun if that's no trouble to you.

Dr. Kleiner: Ah! Hello then Calhoun. Come in come in! Apologies for the mess….I've been working all day and making a mess of things! (he motions the two in, shutting the door behind him. He locks the office up one by one. The door, the blinds, covers the vents….ect.)

Calhoun: wow, that's uh- a lotta security.

Dr. Kleiner: You can never be too careful. Is that recording device on?

Calhoun: it's been on this whole time, sir.

Dr. Kleiner: Ah! good! Just make sure this stays between us for now. Video diaries is a very good hobby to have, especially during these times.

Calhoun: I guess so, whatever "these times" are.

Dr. Kleiner: Well Mr. Calhoun, these times (grabs a mug of coffee from the counter, probably 4 hours old or so) are getting worse by the minute.

Calhoun: Oh...well that sure is reassuring.

Dr. Kleiner: (chuckles) I don't like this anymore than you do. So, I believe it's time for me to elaborate.

Calhoun: Please do doc, Freeman's got work to finish and I've got a shift coming up….

Dr. Kleiner: Don't worry, don't worry. I'll try to be brief. Now keep in mind the most I know is from mumbles heard from those who have been in contact with administration recently. I've also done some "snooping" around. A lot of my intel isn't exact, but I feel it should be close enough! To start, Dr. Freeman here told me 2 of your dorm mates disappeared, correct?

Calhoun: Yes sir, Gilbert and Michael.

Dr. Kleiner: Pardon?

Calhoun: Oh! Er- 3006 and 1225

Dr. Kleiner: Yes! Them! The 1st generation clone and the new generation clone. Well I looked up their files earlier this week. 3006...I believe you called them "Micheal", finished training a week earlier, as you know. Their report was near identical to your fellow clones- emphasis on near. They were exactly 2.5% below parameters.

Calhoun: 2.5%?? That's like, nothing! He worked perfectly fine from what I saw. He did his work, came home to eat and sleep and woke up and got back to work like the test of us.

Dr. Kleiner: See- it sounds outrageous, but knowing black mesa I wouldn't doubt it. May I remind you I've been here way before you were even produced. Black Mesa has a history of hiding things under their ugly rug. Anyways, my apologies for getting off track! As Dr. Freeman knows, I (he chuckles) tend to do that. But yes, I believe they took Micheal away due to that percentage off, of course. I could possibly prove that if given the other one's file but I couldn't find it. Their file should've been with the other 1st generation clones. I even looked through the other generations just in case it got mixed up but I found nothing. It's all very suspicious.

Calhoun: I can tell ya that Gilbert showed no problems at all.

Dr. Kleiner: No doubt about it. The best theory I had was that Gilbert wasn't supposed to be here in the first place and got under their radar somehow. But that's unlikely due to the fact he's been in commission for 3 years.

Calhoun: Listen, doc- are you a believer in the uh….theory?

Dr. Kleiner: The theory? Like ethics or-

Calhoun: No, no the theory about clone deteriorating- whatever it's called.

Dr. Freeman: (taps on Calhoun's shoulder) [b-a-r-n-p-l-e-t-i-o-n]

Calhoun: Is that really what you scientists call it? Barnpletion? I thought it would be some sort of scientific name or something.

Dr. Freeman: (shrugs)

Dr. Kleiner: oh yes! Barnpletion! I do believe in it, yes. (He takes another sip of coffee) I see where you're going with this.

Calhoun: Yeah! Gilbert was a first generation clone, been here 3 years. He might've reached his time, like the theory states. He's definitely fairly self aware- and he questioned quite a bit. He'd ask me a lot about existential things. I didn't question it much at the time I guess.

Dr. Kleiner: Well then! That helps quite a bit actually! (he rummaged around, grabbing a pen and clipboard and scribbling things down) So, how exactly self aware was he?

Calhoun: Well, he didn't like working all the time. Which I mean, most of us don't but we don't talk about it. Cause you know, if we don't like working then they'll probably throw us out or something. But like, he'd talk about how this is all we're going to be doing all our life, just working and working. Ya know, we're made not to think things like that. Made not to question what the future is going to be like- but Gilbert moved past it.

Dr. Kleiner: (writes some more down) Okay, how often would he tell you this?

Calhoun: Mainly before curfew. He'd come back to the dorm, get some water and ask me this stuff.

Dr. Kleiner: Was Micheal apart of these conversations?

Calhoun: Well- yes. He wouldn't participate that much. I think his programming was stopping him from taking too much in, he was around a week old anyways, so he didn't have much time to become vulnerable? I don't really understand exactly how all this works, but that's the best grasp I have on it.

Dr. Kleiner: It makes sense enough! It's the best we have right now. The administration might've taken note. That'll clear it up easily, but that still raises the question of what do they do with the clone? There's no real ethical way to dispose of one isn't there? And you were also apart of those conversations, wouldn't they get rid of you too?

Calhoun:.......

Dr. Freeman: (nervously waves his hands in rejection)

Dr. Kleiner: Oh! Pardon me I- mean, er-

Calhoun: It's fine sir, it's a question we all have to get to eventually.(he takes a deep breath) I've only heard rumors about what happens when you're decommissioned. None of them make me feel any better….. God I hope they dont take me for all that crap.

Dr. Kleiner: I hope so too Mr. Calhoun. I hope so. (He takes a quick breath) Anyways we can't say for sure if Gilbert was decommissioned yet. I've got more to tell you, I'll be quick so you can get my protege back to work. A government representative recently came by-

Calhoun: Government? Since when? (He clears his throat) I mean when was the government here, sir?

Dr. Kleiner: Just a week ago.

Calhoun: Are we being shut down?

Dr. Kleiner: No I'm afraid the government isn't going to help us. The government usually never does, remember that Mr. Calhoun. We have to help ourselves.

Calhoun: I will try to remember that sir.

Dr. Kleiner: Sorry about that! I don't know what got into me just now (chuckles) pardon me. Anyways the representative came by, no warning to any of us. Dr. Vance talked with him. The man of course didn't tell him much, but he did ask about the rest of your clone colleagues. Not to mention this was the day of the disappearance.

Calhoun: Okay doc, lemme get this straight. So you're saying- that the government could've taken them?

Dr. Kleiner: They would've been the perfect subjects! Complete opposites yet the same DNA, not to mention they were both considered incomplete. Either that or it's just a coincidence the representative was here and the two were decommissioned.

Calhoun: This is- a lot if I'm being honest. It's taking me a bit to think it through…Dr. Vance, do you think we could talk to him?

Dr. Kleiner: I was going to suggest that. I'll be sure to have him stop by to talk with you two. You'd probably also want to talk with Azian, she's the one who's been collecting information on Black Mesa's messy history for years, she ought to have something.

Calhoun: (turning to Gordon) You good with that?

Dr. Freeman: (nods)

Calhoun: Alright then, we'll stop by again whenever we can to see them. Thank you for all this- we gotta run.

Dr. Kleiner: Ah yes, I kept you too long! We did have a lot to talk about! You're a kind man, Mr. Calhoun. No offense but I don’t think your fellow clones would've done anything about this, let alone think too hard about it.

Calhoun: Oh trust me sir, if they listened to me they would.

Dr. Kleiner: (moves over to the door, opening it for the two) Dr. Vance should be here in the morning. I'll see you then Mr. Calhoun. (he stops Calhoun, grabbing him by the shoulder, whispering) keep an eye on Freeman.

Calhoun: (nervously nods)

(Dr. Kleiner shuts the door, leaving them in the hallway)

Calhoun: Well, hey, we're doomed.

Dr. Freeman: (shakes his head no)

Calhoun: Well we can't stop the government! I'll be dead for sure if we even try!

Dr. Freeman: [.....]

Calhoun: God I don't know. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight. If I'm gone the next morning you'll know what happened.

Dr. Freeman: (frowns)

Calhoun: Yea, me too doc. (reaches to turn off the recorder)

-end of recording-

#Captain's log recording #Recording by barney 2295 #4/7/97 #entries #Z292ZXJubWVudCBtYW4

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divine-noire · 5 years

Text

Mononucleosis Awareness Post

So I caught Mono participating in Hot Girl Summer™ (jk jk lmao) but I did get Mono, and this shit is not a fucking joke. If you feel like you might have it, please go to the doctor. Over the past 4 weeks, I have been going through literal medical hell from complications. I’m gonna list the symptoms I’ve had and if you feel like you might have it, go get looked at. I thought Mono was something only horny ass teens got in high school playing spin the bottle, I’m 26 (27 next month) and was NOT expecting this shit at all.

Fatigue

My first symptom that something was wrong was fatigue. This is not normal, everyday fatigue. This is actually waking up and feeling like the world is ending when you take your first step, fatigue. I couldn’t keep my eyes open. While driving, I put my emergency break on at red lights because I was afraid I would fall asleep while at the standstill. At work, if there were no calls, my head was down (luckily, my boss is only here twice a week so I could get away with this). At home, I was in bed by 6PM and when you do sleep, it’s immediate. There is no gradual lulling off to sleep. It’s face-meet-pillow-meet-morning-alarm type of sleep. But I was still tired no matter how much I slept so I started using No Doze to counteract the effects. At first, it was fine, but even then, I still had the underlying fatigue. It got so bad, I drove over a friend’s house in Greenbelt, MD which is about an hour and a half away with rush hour traffic, using every bit of energy I had in my body to get to her, because she said she would take care of me, which she did. But by the time I pulled up to her house, I basically almost fell out of the driver side door when she opened it for me. That is not an exaggeration, that is the level of exhaustion I felt from just driving that far without sleeping. We thought I had the flu or something flu-like, so she gave me fluids and alot of Day & NightQuil. It made the symptoms lessen, but it never made them go away.

Sore Throat

At the beginning, my throat merely felt scratchy. This lasted for about 3 days, before I knew it, my voice was gone and my throat was in so much pain I gave up talking. The pain is not akin to Strep Throat, if you’ve had that before. It is actually worse. My throat was swollen as a symptom of the virus, but it graduated into its own infection of severe Tonsillitis. It was so severe that I actually began having trouble swallowing from the amount of swelling that it caused. I had to receive a steroid injection in my butt to counteract the swelling and start methylprednisone (which wasn’t strong enough and I had to go back for regular prednisone 20mg). I couldn’t eat anything without pain, so I stuck to drinking a lot of fluids and ice water. Ice water became my guardian angel because my throat was in a constant state of burning pain. I also grew exodus on the back of my throat, past my tonsils, as a result of the infection in my throat, and had to gargle salt water like crazy everyday to get them out. The exodus hurts, it is hard and feels like cement on the back of your throat and it makes the Tonsillitis 10x worse than it already is. I didn’t have a voice at all for 12 days, I had to use a dry erase board for all interactions (it’s quicker than typing on my phone.)

Nausea

Now my case may be different because the doctors keep telling me my nausea shouldn’t have gone on as long as it did and that I need to go see a Gastroenterologist ASAP but that’s a different story for a different post. Nausea was my worst and most persistent symptom to date. The kind of nausea you may feel will be persistent. I woke up nauseous to the point of my mouth salivating as though I were about to vomit everyday for about 2-2.5 weeks. This never settled. There was never a time my mouth was not salivating, I had to begin keeping paper cups at my desk to spit the residual saliva into throughout the day because it never subsided. One day, I had a salad for lunch from Panera even though I wasn’t hungry, I knew I should try to eat something. (By this time, my throat had made some progress and I could swallow some whole things.) I immediately regretted that decision when I lay in bed at midnight holding my stomach like the world was ending. I was so nauseous that I couldn’t get myself together enough to even get out of bed. The thing that makes the nausea symptom so bad (for me) is that it never made be actually vomit, it just created the sensation of needing to. Eventually, I broke down and stuck a straw down my throat just to alleviate the symptom a bit and threw up the salad, and it didn’t even look like it’d been digested properly. That made the nausea go away for the night, and after that I gave up eating anything solid hoping that would prevent any future nausea, spoiler alert: I was wrong. My salivating mouth picked up right where it left off, it was as though all I went through the night before didn’t even matter. My stomach was empty and still nauseated. That night, the nausea was so bad that I just knew something was off and I drove myself to the ER (Note: I drive myself to the ER that is less than 10-minutes away all the time to save money on an ambulance, if you feel you are not safe to drive, dial 911, it is better to just pay the ambulance than cause an accident and make your situation worse than it already is.). When I got there, I was beyond exhausted, nauseous, dizzy, I just felt like I was dying. The doctor brought me back, took my vitals, asked the usual questions. I told him about the nausea, the Mono diagnosis, he said he wanted me to get a temporary room while he ran some tests. I got a room and a nurse came in and gave me a shot of Zofran for the nausea that did absolutely nothing. It was so bad that when he came back in, I asked for Ipecac or a straw to induce vomiting again. Alarmed, he said they wanted to avoid me vomiting and gave me an additional shot of Zofran. That helped that time, but I still just felt overall terrible. The doctor came in later and told me my potassium levels were extremely low, explaining the extreme fatigue and dizziness, that my liver was swollen from the Mono, and that the nausea was alarming and he would be admitting me for treatment. I was shocked that this virus had done such a number on me. My throat had even worsened and was now even more swollen and painful than it was before (I hadn’t gotten the 20mg prednisone script yet.). I spent 2 days with an IV in my arm, eating mushy foods and sleeping in the hospital. I had to take off work because I was in no shape to even drive there, let alone get anything done. After the 2 days went by, I actually felt back to my normal self! I was so fucking happy to exist and not feel like dying after weeks of wanting to that I went home and started cleaning my room. I had let it get atrocious from not feeling well or feeling like doing anything besides sleeping. Shortly after I began, the fatigue kicked in, the only symptom to never leave, and I sat my ass down and watched Rick & Morty with Sebastia and went to sleep instead, which was probably the safer bet. Fast forward 8 nausea-free days, and guess what’s back??? It’s tolerable now, but still an extreme nuisance. I get my Zofran prescription and it does didly fucking squat to alleviate the nausea. I call the Urgent Care that diagnosed me and ask if there’s anything stronger for nausea and they tell me all the stronger shit will have me bedbound and loopy. Bills gotta get paid so we can’t have that. So that night, in a moment of nauseous desperation, I took double the dosage of the Zofran to alleviate the discomfort. Now, I understand I shouldn’t have done this, but I was DESPERATE and afterward, I felt great. It was the first time the medicine had done wtf the doctors said it would do and the way it was supposed to: quick, fast and in a motherfucking sprint. So I stupidly called the Urgent Care to ask them about the nausea medicine again (I have such a good relationship with this UC for some reason, probably because I hate my primary.) and told them what I’d done the night before and that I was now out of nausea meds and needed a refill before it came back, which was all true. Jessica, the nurse I always saw, was alarmed and spoke to the doctor on duty there, and told them about what I did. Then they cut me off and said to go ask my Primary for the refill because I’ve been utilizing them way too much (long story short). But she also said that I shouldn’t need that much Zofran and something else is going on and I need to be seen by a Gastro. That $40 co-pay appointment is still pending. Andddd I’ve been nausea-free for about a week now, but as I type this, my mouth just began salivating so it looks like I’m gonna be dealing with that again soon. Fuck.

Dizziness

My dizziness didn’t come full force until about 4 days ago (Week 4). I was out at a shopping center getting groceries and while I was parking at a nearby Dunkin Donuts, the world legit started slanting. I felt like I’d been drugged all of a sudden. My skin felt cold and clammy, everything felt out of focus and I immediately needed to lie down. Luckily, it came right after I’d put my car in park and had the opportunity to put my seat back and do so. I waited about 10 minutes maybe, and then I felt ok enough to get out and go get some food because I thought I was just hungry because I hadn’t eaten yet. Even standing in line and waiting for the food afterward was difficult. I had to sit down or else I’d fall down. I got back in my car and ate and laid down again, went back to the store to get eggs I forgot to grab before, and on the walk back to my car almost walked into another parked car. Of course, people saw and probably thought I was drunk or something. I was embarrassed but didn’t have the motor skills energy to explain the situation of feeling like I was in 2 bodies at once. This symptom has come and gone as it pleases, but luckily after a good 2-hour nap that day when I got home, I felt alot better.

Poor Appetite

While battling this virus, I have lost 10 pounds and still counting in the past 4 weeks. While it’s great to fit into clothes I was once too thick to get past my thighs, it is not the way I wanted to lose the weight. In the beginning, I always felt full no matter what, which made me not want to eat, combined with the nausea, it made eating something I just wasn’t in the mood to ever do. This went on for weeks, which caused the weight loss. I learned later that my swollen liver pressing against my stomach is what caused the sensation of fullness, hence, not ever feeling like I should eat. Now, my appetite has returned, and I’ve been eating nothing but starchy, fatty nonsense my diet never would’ve allowed before I got sick. And even with all the newfound calories I’ve been non-stop digesting (seriously guys, pizza 5 days straight, bread bowls, bacon egg and cheese croissants, cheesecake, donuts...) I’m still shedding pounds. My Gold’s Gym Membership is gathering dust because I can’t go workout with my body still always in fatigue-mode and it’s probably just not kosher to do with this kind of virus. My mom said I should celebrate for now until it becomes a cause for concern later, but I think I should probably be concerned now since the earlier you find something out the better health-wise. I lowkey did some research and think I might have Hepatitis-C from the virus, which is curable, but sucks all the same if I’m right. I inherited my mother’s extremely poor immune system, so I really wouldn’t be surprised. I’ll post before and after photos of my weight loss separately, don’t want Tumblr turning me into the Face of Mono™ because of this post.

Swollen Lymph Nodes

This was one of the lesser symptoms that went away by week 2-2.5. They are definitely sensitive and noticeable. I found that icing them alleviated a lot of the discomfort and made it tolerable, but overall, these were the least of my worries.

If you experience any of these symptoms or think you may have Mono, definitely get yourself checked out. They can do a rapid test at any Urgent Care or ER and let you know during your visit if you have it. This shit is not a joke. I’m still dealing with the symptoms right now and have no inclination of when they will be gone. The literature says anywhere from a few weeks to a year, I’m praying for the initial option but I have no way of knowing for sure. I say all this to say, pay attention to and know your body, guys. You only get one.

#black health #black girls #black women #mono #mononucleosis #sick #viral infection #black tumblr #black women health #flu season #long post

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jungiegukie · 5 years

Text

Pregnancy Prank Gone...? ft. Jungkook

PAIRINGS: Jungkook x reader, OT7.

WORDS: +2.5 K

WARNINGS: Kind of mentions of sex.

A/N: I’m thinking about doing a series about Youtuber Y/N and Jungkook being her boyfriend and also Big Hit’s golden maknae… I’ll sleep over it, but meanwhile I hope you like this little thing i made.

—————————————————————————————-

“Hey Dellas! So…” As any other full time youtuber I claped my hands and sighed, “You’re not ready for what’s about to happen… no, Jungkook is not ready for what’s about to happen. You see, I’ve been in birth control for the last year and a half or so, and I’ve been late like once or twice since then. The thing is that I’ve decided to put on a little set up to my boyfriend and I’m going to tell him that I’m pregnant.” I looked around me and grabbed my phone and the pregnancy test box that I left right beside me; “He’s now on the dance studio with the guys, but he must be coming home soon… I hope so… You know what, I’ll call him.”

Once I unlocked my phone I searched for his contact and called him while putting the call on speaker. At the third beeping sound he answered and I could hear the guys on the back laughing.

“Shut up dorks… Hey babe, what’s up?”

“Hey you! I’m fine, how’s the practice going?”

“We’re killing it, I swear. This show is going to be way better than… Sorry, babe, wait a sec…” I heard laughs getting closer and a lot of rumbling on the backround followed by a “Hyung, could you please stop I’m talking to my lady here.” after that you could hear Taehyung mocking in the backround imitating what he just said, then Jimin did it… And then Hoseok… And suddenly all of the guys where mocking him; “Jagi, can I call you in a bit? The guys… Hyung stop… Okay, so, as I was saying, the guys… Park Jimin stop it… Babe, I’ll call you when we’re done, alright?”

“Sure Kook, around what time?”

“Seven? Maybe?” I checked my phone and I saw it was ten past six o’clock, There was enough time to get this prank perfectly done.

“Alright, just… call me, ok? We have something to talk about.”

“We have? Uhm… Okay, sure. I’ll call you when i’m out. Love you.” I just answered with an I love you more, and the next thing I heard where another beeping sounds; he ended the call.

Looking back at the camera, I showed the fake pregnancy test box; “We’ve got fifty minutes until Kookie calls me and heads back home. The studio is about a fifteen minute drive from our apartment, so he should be here around quarter past seven, maybe sooner… depend on the traffic.”

I opened the box and saw two pregnancy tests inside. I took the instructions out and read them; it said that it could be dipped in any liquid and the test was going to come out possitive. “Good thing that I actually do not have to pee on a stick, right?” I opened one test out and looked back at the camera. “So, this is what we’re doing: I’m going to leave one test already done with the fake possitive, so when he gets here I’ll tell him that I’ve been late for around two weeks and that I decided to get a pregnancy test done to see if it had something to do with it or if it was just my cycle getting all weird and stuff. He’ll probably ask about the birth control, so I’ll tell him that last month I gave myself a break from the pills just for my body to chill or something like that… I’ll have the other pregnancy test and I’ll telI him I was waiting for him to get the other one done and be a hundred percent sure. He’ll probably go nuts…” I started playing a lot of possible case scenarios that might happen: he could be angry, or happy, or sad, or excited… I don’t know, the only thing that I knew for sure was that he was going to hate me. “Alright, let’s dip this stick on some water.”

I grabbed a plastic cup and filled it up to the middle with water. I dipped the pregancy test and waited for it to come out with two lines on it. Two minutes the result was shown; the test was possitive. “Oh my God, it worked” I laughed for a bit and decided to prepare the scene for the little show I was playing. “I’ll put you guys in the corner of the vanity where all my makeup and hair stuff is kept so he won’t be able to see the camera. It’s a bit messy over there so he won’t suspect a thing.” Placing the camera right where I said I turned the view finder and checked a few times if the view was right and clear. “Great. He must be here in around half an hour so, I’ll talk to you guys when he calls me.”

I placed the viewfinder on its normal position and turned the camera off so it would not run out of battery and headed to the kitchen. Once I was there I made myself some coffee while I layed my tummy on the kitchen counter which was facing directly to our living room, and with remote in hand I started zapping channels until I found something I liked.

Twenty five minutes went by and my phone started buzzing off. Weird. When I lifted it up from the counter I saw the caller ID that I’ve been waiting for a long time now. Practice mus have ended earlier; “Oh jungkookie, get ready for whats coming.” I answered the phone with a simple what’s up.

“I’m coming home now, I mean… I’m parking the car, so I’ll be up in five.”

Shit.

“I told you to call me when you were going out the studio babe, I’m not even dressed.” That was not true. I was fully dressed, but I had to say something to cover it up. I had five, No, I had three minutes until he was up here.

“I won’t complain if I get there and find you naked babe.” I roled my eyes while making my way to the bathroom and turning the camera on.

“You perv. Alright, I’ll get dressed quickly then.” Right after that I hunged up the phone and directed my sight to my camera; “Guys, Kookie just called and he’s parking the car. That means he’ll be up here anytime soon.” The front door made its usual sound which anounced that my boyfriend was already home.

“Babe? Where you at?”

I turned my face to the bathroom door and shouted “Bathroom!” at the same time that I directed my gaze to the camera once again while wispering my typicall prank line “Game on.” I quickly sat on the bathroom counter and waited for him to come inside.

“Hey.” He said while making his way inside the bathroom and walking towards me. Jungkook was looking as good as ever with a grey two piece sweat outfit from puma. Once he was in front of me he huged me by my waist and lifted me up to my feet while I huged his neck from behind. “I missed you.” He leaned closer and pecked my lips.

“I missed you two.” He leaned in once again and kissed me for a longer time this time.

“What was that thing you said we needed to talk about? My head’s been on it since I hunged up the call.” I placed my hand on his chest, leaving some distance between us.

“Yeah, that… Uhm… Okay.” he lets go of my waist and I walk towards the counter where the pregnancy test was at. I grabed it and hid it under my back.

“I’ve missed my period for two weeks now.” Sometimes Jungkookie was… the word inocent does not fit.. maybe naive? Yeah, naive. He was pretty naive sometimes.

“So…? What’s with that?”

“I’m never late Kook.” The light bulb he had over his head must have lighted on.

“Don’t… Don’t say it” He rubed both of his hands over his face. “You’re not.”

“Babe, listen. I took a pregnancy test” He quickly got his hand of his face. And I could see his brown doe big eyes bigger that they have ever been, “And it came out possitive.” I handed him the stick with the two lines on.

“You’re kidding, right?” He grabbed it and looked at it in shock. “Tell me this is a joke.”

“No? I have another one on the box, but I did not wat to take it alone in case it was positive once again. I wanted to wait for you.”

“You’re on the pill Y/N. There’s no way you’re pregnant.” He placed the test over the counter top once again. “There’s no way… Is it?”

“Well… I didn’t tell you this because I did not think it was important, but last month I had a little break from the pill. Remember that time I went to my ginecologyst about a month and a half ago?” He shook his head no, “Well, whatever. The thing is that she said that maybe I should take a break from the pill for like a mont since i’ve been on it for over a year. She said my body needed to chill or whatever and that after that break I could go back to them as usual.”

“You what?! Babe! We’ve been having sex for like five out of the seven days of the week for the last month, and you’re telling me that now? I did not even wear a condom because I thought you were still on the pill, Y/N.”

“I never thougt this would have happened Jungkook. Why are you blaming this on me only! You could have wrapped the little friend you have down there anyways!”

“Oh my God!” He turned around and walked all along the bathroom several times, back and forth… for about two minutes, in silence. Once he faced me again he said; “Y/N. Listen. I’m going on tour once again in like… a week? I don’t even know. This is deffinitely not the right time to have a freaking baby.” Oh man… He was pissed. “You said you have another one?” I nodded my head yes, “Go get it done. what are you waiting for.”

I took the pregnancy test from the box and went to the toilet. Once I closed the door and checked that there was no sound outside I let a chuckle escape my lips. I quickly unlocked my phone and opened the camera app and filmed a short video; “Guys, I’m in the bathroom now to take the second pregnancy test and man… Kookie is pissed because of the pill thing. Oh my God.” I took a deep breath and opened the test. “I’ll dip this thing on the toilet water and then flush it to make it less suspicious. Let’s do this. Hwaiting!” Once I got out of the bathroom I could see Jungkook curled up on a ball sitting next to the bathroom counter where the first pregancy test layed.

“So… What does it say?”

“You have to wait for the lines to come out. We’ll find out in a minute or two.”

Silence. Deep silence was the only thing that could be heard.

“I’m sorry for blowing up like that babe. It’s not your fault. Even though, you should have told me about the pill so i could be extra carefull.” I nodded and wispered an I know and I’m sorry too. He stood up and walked closer to were I was standing and huged, once again, my waist. “If it comes out possitive we’ll figure it out.” One of the hands that was resting on my waist made all the way up to my cheek and caresed it. “I don’t know how, but we’ll figure it out.” His facial expression was saying that he regrets how he reacted in first place, but he was also scared.

“It’s time.” He lets me go. I was genuenly feeling the wors girlfriend in the whole world right now. “It’s possitive.” I turned to him handing him the test. He had a blank stare. Nothing was showing. Not a single emotion.

“I think I’m gonna throw up.”

“What, babe, don’t! I’m the one who’s pregnant here here.” He gave me the look afted I said that and sighed in frustration.

“I don’t know how I feel… I have all mixed up. Im happy, of course. You’re carrying my child, and I love you, and you’re going to be an amazing mom… but at the same time I’m frustrated. I mean… We’re both young, I’m 23, you’re 21. You know that with my work is not easy to carry on a normal life; we barely made our relationship public like three months ago, babe.” He sighed and crosed his arms over his chest. “What if I make one of an awful dad? What if I miss my child’s first words or first steps because I am on tour, promoting, filming or recording? What if everytime I leave and then come back he or she does not recongize me? I really don’t think I would be able to handle that last thing. There are a lot of what if’s, Y/N… ”

“Babe, listen; I’m sure you’re going to be the bestest dad in this whole mother efing world. You have a lot of insecurities and flaws, but I’m a hundread; No, I’m a thousand percent sure you’ll be the best dad.”He had tears in his eyes that were just about to drop, maybe it was time to end this prank.

“I’m calling Namjoon and I’ll tell him I’m taking a break.” He said what?!

“What?! No you’re not!”

“You’re right, I’m not. I need to get the money to buy baby things.”

“Jungkook…”

“What are those things that babies poop and pee on?”

“Babe…”

“We’ll have to move to another apartment, this one only has one room. There’s not enough space for the baby.”

“Jeon Jungkook, could you shut the fuck up and listen to me?!” His eyes darted directly to mine. “It wont be necessary to move out from this apartment.” I stepped closer to him and huged him, two seconds went by and he hugged me back.

“Of course it is, there’s not enough…”

“Shht. Listen to me.” I placed one of my hands on his left cheek, right were his little scar was on. “It wont be necessary to move out or buy diapers or any other baby related stuff because I’m not pregnant.”

“The test came out possitive Y/N, both of them.”

“Yeah… those are fake pregnancy tests, baby.” I point at the camera that was placed on the vanity in between my mess. “You’ve been punked”

“Oh fuck you.” He blurted and walked out the door. Right after watching his reaction I couldn’t resist to laugh my ass of.

“Babe! Oh God, wait!” I walked over to get the camera and pointed the viewfinder backwards so I could se myself. “Guys, he’s pissed… Babe! come on, it was just a prank.” I made my way to the living room just to see an angry Jungkook sitting over the couch with both his legs and arms crossed and a pout on his face.

“Just a prank?… Just a prank?! Y/N, I almost threw up when you said the second test was positive! You played with my feelings!”

I sat right next to him and placed my head on his shoulder. “You know I love you right?”

“Doesn’t look like it.” I giggled at his response and pouty face. “What are you laughing at.”

“You’re so cute.” I pinched his cheek with my free hand. “Just for you to know, I haven’t stoped taking my pills.”

“Good to know… As I said before, we’ve been doing it non stop for the last month.”

“Babe!” I punched his arm while he laughed at me and hugged my shoulders “Do you want to close my video or do I do it?”

“Let me say something first.” I hand him the camera and he speaks; “I’ll take revenge on her, take my word. This does not end here.”

“Yeah Kook, whatever you say.” I looked at him and smiled.

“At least I now know you think I’ll be the best dad in the world.”

“I meant that though. Whenever the time comes you become a dad, you’ll deffinitely be the best one.” He looked at me with a wipped look and carresed my cheek with his right hand. “Alright guys, this was all for todays video. Don’t forget to like and subscribe, I’ll deffinitely come back with more pranks to my beautiful boyfriend here, don’t you worry.” Jungkook shook his head with a smile on his face “I’ll see you guys on monday and as I always say; Ciao, Ciao…” I pointed at Jungkook and waited for him to say the last word of my famous line.

“Arrivedella.” I stopped filming and closed the camera.

“I want you to know, that I mean it when I say I’ll get my payback.” He said while pressing a soft kiss to my hair. .

I laughed, turned my face to him and kissed my boyfriend on the lips. “No, you wont.”

@jungiegukie

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katahnisharma · 5 years

Text

when the party’s over [4] | h.o.

Word Count: 2.5 K

Warnings: fluffy fluff fluff

Summary: You’d always been in love with Harrison, but how long would you have to wait for him to notice you?

A/N: here it is, the final part! thank you so much to everyone who read and sent all the love, you're the reason I write and ily 3000 <3 I hope you liked it :)

masterlist | series masterlist

Harrison stood frozen as you shut the door. He couldn’t move, and he couldn’t stop crying. All this time, he’d convinced himself you were fine.

Clearly, you weren’t and it was all because of him.

He didn’t know what to do, there wasn’t anywhere to go. Sure he had a hotel room, but Harrison wasn’t leaving without talking to you.

Even if it meant staying outside your house until you had to see him.

The sky was turning dark and it was much chillier than it had been. Harrison looked around and found a bench hidden behind a tree in your front yard. Part of him kept telling him to leave and get out of your life.

But he knew that he had to see you one last time.

After the encounter, you had just managed to drag yourself up to your bed to crash. You cried until you fell asleep, letting Luna fall asleep next to you. Hours passed when you heard the front door unlock, and you sat up to wipe your eyes.

“Y/N? I’m home!” Your mom called, and you sat up pressing your head to alleviate the headache. Luna lay on the floor, gently breathing but still asleep. You wandered over to the window, looking outside onto the street below.

No sign of him. He really was gone.

For some reason, your heart clenched. You didn’t know why, but it hurt to know that Harrison was really out of your life for good. He hadn’t fought, he had just left like you told him too.

And you missed him like mad.

“Coming!” You called back, going downstairs to see your mother in the kitchen. She turned and frowned seeing your sunken eyes.

“What’s wrong, you don’t look so good?” She said, coming to take a look at your face. You smiled slightly, trying to reassure her that you were alright.

“Just allergies I think.” You lied, and your mother seemed satisfied with the answer. She gave you something to eat and you both sat together talking about the day. Your mother was a nurse practitioner so she always had interesting stories to tell.

“I’m so tired, I’m going to sleep early. You want anything?” She yawned, and you shook your head. You helped her clean up and bit and then said goodnight. For a moment, you just stood in the dark living room, trying to see your dad in your mind’s eye.

It never worked.

You gave up after a while and walked back upstairs. Sleep sounded inviting, and you wanted to forget today in your dreams. Changing out of your clothes, you went to close the blinds and make sure Luna was okay before collapsing on the bed.

Sleep, come on.

Just as you were about to fall asleep, you heard a crack against your window. It was almost like someone had thrown a rock at it.

Actually, that’s exactly what it was.

You stirred slightly, making sure your mom wasn’t awake before peeking outside. Sure enough, there was the boy you had told to leave hours ago standing below your window with a second rock in his hand.

What the-

You threw open the window and startled Harrison, who thankfully dropped the rock. He looked up, and waved nervously. Part of you wanted to throw something at him and the other part wanted to know just what the hell he was doing throwing rocks at eleven at night.

“Haz? What the hell are you still doing here?” You hissed, and Harrison breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t know if you would hear him, or if you were even awake. But seeing you up there made him realize that he had just one chance.

“Can we please talk?” Harrison asked, and you rolled your eyes. You should have said no and sent him packing again. Who’s to say you weren’t going to breakdown again?

But you didn’t, because you wanted to hear what he had to say.

“Fine, but I’m not opening the door for you. My mom will wake up and she has work tomorrow.” You said, and Harrison looked around for ways to get in. The windows were all locked and he was pretty sure you wouldn’t appreciate him breaking in. It seemed there was only one way up.

Climbing a tree.

Harrison kicked off his shoes and started climbing. You didn’t think he would actually do something so risky, and you were terrified he’d fall and break something. How would you explain that to your mother?

“Oh my god, what are you doing?!” You whispered, nearly having a heart attack when Harrison momentarily lost his footing. Harrison held up a finger, trying to concentrate on where he was putting his feet. The last time he had climbed a tree he had been five years old. Needless to say, he was a little out of practice. When he made it to the last branch, he stopped to look at you.

“I’m climbing a tree to talk to you because you won’t open the front door.” He said, and you rolled your eyes yet again. Of course he’d be cracking jokes while you were internally screaming. With a jump, Harrison landed in your room narrowly missing your lamp.

“Geez, that’s a lot harder than it looks.” Harrison laughed, but you were standing silent. You just wanted to hear what he had to say and get him out of your hair for good. And the jokes were just a waste of time.

“I’m not here to listen to jokes, Harrison. You wanted to talk, so talk.” You replied, giving him a stern look. No more bullshit, you just wanted him gone. Harrison noticed your look and sobered up, realizing you weren’t going to play this game.

“Okay, yeah.” He said, and you motioned for him to sit. But he wouldn’t, he knew that he needed to stand and face you for what he wanted to say. You moved a couple feet away from him, to give you some semblance of power. Though you knew you were about to crumble.

“I know that you didn’t want to see me, but I couldn’t leave things the way they were. Y/N, what happened…..I-” Harrison began to cry, and you felt tears of your own build up. But you steeled yourself, reminding your heart that he had hurt you.

“I don’t know why I said what I said, I knew it was a mistake as soon as it came out of my mouth. I think...I think I was just stressed about Maya. She kept pressuring me to let her move in, and she was always so jealous of you that I used you as an excuse. But I never meant for you to hear it, and when you did I knew I had royally fucked up. You mean a lot to me, much more than you know.” He said, bridging the distance a little. You didn’t move, even though you were telling yourself to.

“But the look on your face, I can’t get it out of my mind. I hate seeing you cry, and knowing I did that to you…..I can never forgive myself. And I don’t expect you to either, because I know I humiliated you. All I’m asking is that you come back, to all of us. You don’t have to ever speak to me again, but everyone misses you and I don’t want to be the reason you feel like you have to leave. Please, just come home….” He whispered, and you felt a tear fall. Damn it, you were supposed to be strong.

“Why should I? You really hurt me, you know that? I cried for days over you! How do you think I can ever show my face over there? With Maya and her friends breathing down my neck?” You responded, wiping away another tear. Harrison moved forward again, and this time you stepped back.

“I know I hurt you, I never meant to you have to believe me. I was depressed for days after you left, I need you in my life even if you never talk to me again. I don’t even care if you never look at me, just knowing you’re near is enough. And for what it’s worth, Maya and I broke up.” Harrison choked, looking down at the ground. You were speechless.

“Oh, I didn’t know.” You whispered, not really believing him. Harrison smiled sadly, but he felt a little freer for saying it.

“She wasn’t worth the trouble and I knew that I didn’t really love her. I’m so sorry, I really am. I can’t take it back but you should know I’ve been killing myself over it. I didn’t take a shower for days.” Harrison said, and you wrinkled your nose slightly. You had no idea Harrison had been so upset over you, and you felt a little guilty about it.

“That’s terrible, you could have at least taken care of your personal hygiene.” You joked, making Harrison light up a little. The fact that you were telling jokes meant that you were slowly opening up again. Which meant that there was a chance he could tell you what he had been waiting to say for days.

“It’s okay, I forgive you. We’re fine, you shouldn’t have come all this way.” You said, this time being the one to take a step forward. Harrison shifted around nervously, trying to figure out what to say next.

“Actually, that’s not the only reason I came. There was something else I needed to tell you.” He whispered, and you quirked an eyebrow. What else could he possibly have to say? And why was he so nervous about it?

“Haz, what’s wrong? Did something happen?” You asked, and Harrison shook his head.

“No, it’s just I…..I……” Harrison stuttered, not being able to get the words out. He was well aware he looked like an idiot, and you were making him a nervous mess. You reached out a hand and touched his face, which burned red at the contact.

“Hey, it’s just me. I promise you can say whatever, I’m not going to judge.” You whispered, trying to calm him down. Harrison looked up into your eyes and took a deep breath.

Now or never.

“I love you, Y/N. I’ve loved you for so long.” Harrison finally came out and said it, and you stopped breathing. In fact you stopped moving, your mouth completely still. It was as if the world had stopped turning, and the air felt thick.

“What?” You whispered, taking another step forward. Harrison tried to avoid your eyes, realizing that he had just made a big mistake. You were probably angry, embarrassed by what he had said.

Of course you didn’t feel the same way, why would you after what he had done?

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have said that, shit. I’m going to go, I’ll just leave you alone.” He stumbled, moving your hand away and walking back to the window. You just stood there, trying to process what Harrison had just said. It didn’t seem real, that he felt that way.

All this time, you had convinced yourself he didn’t see you that way. That it was all one-sided, your love.

Harrison loved you, he really loved you,

“Harrison!” You cried, causing him to turn back with red-rimmed eyes. You were about to cry too, your eyes blurry. He saw and resisted the urge to run back and wipe them away, Harrison hated seeing you cry. More than that, he hated being the cause of it.

“Don’t you dare leave me, not again.” You choked, and Harrison turned back. There you were, crying as if you had had your heart broken, and you were still the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

“No, please, don’t cry.” Harrison whimpered, rushing over to hold you. You melted into him, afraid that if you let go he’d slip through your fingers like an illusion. He held onto you, stroking your hair and letting the tears fall from his eyes. You sobbed quietly, reaching up and kissing his jawline.

“I love you too, so much that it hurts.” You whispered into his shirt, feeling like you would collapse when Harrison kissed your neck and behind your ear. Your head was reeling, like you were high on something you couldn’t pronounce. You looked up at him and saw that Harrison was looking at you, like you were the only thing on this Earth that mattered to him.

“Can I….can I…..” Harrison mumbled, and you reached up and brought his face closer to yours.

“Please, just kiss me.” You whined, fully aware that you sounded desperate. But you were, you’d spent too long away from him and now all you wanted to do was feel him on you. If this turned out to be a dream, you wanted to make it worthwhile. Harrison breathed out softly and cupped your face, stroking your cheek just as you did for him minutes ago.

And then it happened, all at once.

Harrison leaned down and crashed his lips on yours. He brought one hand to your face and the other around your waist to bring you closer. There was no space between you, but you didn’t care. You brought your hands up and into his hair, holding onto it for dear life. Harrison deepened the kiss, dragging his tongue across your bottom lip. You gave him access and then you felt like you were floating. He pressed forward, slipping a hand into yours and backing you up to the wall. Harrison would have kept kissing you like his life depended on it, but you both needed to breathe.

He broke away only for a moment, before latching his lips to your neck. Harrison kissed every part of it, and when he was done you were sure you were going to need concealer. He moved up to your ear, biting it gently before kissing behind it and moving to your jawline.

“You’re.” He kissed your collarbone and you thought you would buckle.

“My.” He wandered over and kissed your left ear, nibbling it softly and earning a moan from you.

“Everything.” Finally he brought his lips back to your aching mouth, and you could swear you saw stars.

This kiss was hungry, but soft and sweet. Harrison took his time with you, almost as if he was trying to mark you. He poured all his emotions into it, the pain and the love. His lips were like fire, but you didn’t mind being burned. He caressed your face and held your waist tightly. You’d never kissed this passionately in all your life, and now you realized it was because you had been waiting for this.

It was like your mouths were made for each other, they fit perfectly.

Harrison kept going, like he was never going to see you again. Your knees were jello, and eventually you stroked his hair to get him to break away. When you pulled apart, you were both sweating. Your chest was heaving, but you had never been so euphoric in your life. Harrison was panting, but he couldn’t stop smiling.

“Wow.” You said, touching your very swollen lips. Harrison laughed softly, bringing your face to his again for one last peck. You were startled as he picked you up bridal style and sat you down on the bed.

“Where’d you learn to kiss like that?” Harrison asked, laying you down and crawling on top of you. You giggled, watching him smirk and brush your hair away from your face. He loved your eyes, they were like kaleidoscopes.

“Would you believe books?” You joked, keeping your hands in his hair. Harrison closed his eyes to relish in your touch, before moving to come even closer to you.

“Well then, let’s see what you’ve been reading.” He laughed, and your lips met for the third time that night. It was, however, not the last time.

“Stay with me tonight?” You asked, managing to get Harrison to stop for a second. He let his face fall in the crook of your neck.

“I’m never leaving you again.”

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mechadress · 4 years

Text

Saw a literary challenge to write about one of your average days in quarantine. They picked Tuesday May 12th. Since all of my days keep blending together, I thought it would help me set a benchmark for how I handled quarantine. So here it is-

May 12th 2020,

My alarm goes off at 7am. I roll over to turn it off and promptly go back to sleep. This was a normal practice even before the world shut down. I don't have set hours at work, but I prefer to start around 8am. Since my work computer is only across the apartment, the motivation to wake up before I absolutely have to is extremely low.

8am rolls around and I can't bring myself to leave the bed yet. It all seems so pointless as no one seems to care what hours I keep and I don't have any early morning meetings. I scroll through Facebook and Tumblr on my phone, I check my email more times than I really need to, and pet whichever cat is closest, usually Sierra. I find a post from a page that I follow that talks about Victorian parlor games and I share it to the Steampunk group I administer. There hasn't been much content in the group for awhile. I wonder if it's because steampunk isn't as popular as it once was or if no one has anything to say. It gets a few likes and one 'Care' emoji. I think it's because it indicates that people miss hanging out together.

Around 8:15 I need to use the toilet, which is enough to get me out of bed and sign into my work computer. CY yells out from his work station at the living room table to remind me to buy the camper table and a spray bottle he wanted for grilling. I order them from Amazon and feel guilty about getting nonessential items in the middle of a pandemic. I spend the first few hours of work scrolling through FB or Tumblr and knitting. While I knit I watch an hour and half long youtube video from ContraPoints about different types of second-hand embarrassment or 'cringe'. I identify a lot with what she says.

I am knitting a pair of socks simply because I have the yarn and I've never done it before. I tested out the gauge to make sure I had the right sized needles and I do. They are long dpns that were given to me by CY's mother once she realized I enjoyed knitting. Apparently she used to knit as well, but it would hurt her hands so she gave up on it. I had tried to use the dpns as intended, even looking up a video and practicing a few times, but I kept dropping stitches and getting annoyed with them. I eventually decided to order a circular needle from Amazon to use instead. I felt very guilty about this since there's all sorts of post-people and delivery people out there who are at risk moving all these boxes around, and here I'm ordering a stupid pair of needles that are a duplicate size to ones I own, but I just don't want to use. The circular needles are extremely nice and easy to work with and it is a pleasure to knit the socks. I still use the dpns as a stitch holder while I knit the heel. Today I'm connecting the insole and knitting along the foot. It's easy and enjoyable work especially after already completing the first sock.

I eat a prepackaged ube cake while I drink my tea and appreciate the nice pairing of flavors.

I feel bad about not getting more of my actual work done. However, I can't bring myself to concentrate on anything related to work. I keep moving my mouse around every 10 or so minutes so it looks like I'm active.

An old D&D friend of mine named Sam posts on FB about how he is proud of his company for continuing to let people work from home despite Ohio loosening some of the Stay at Home restrictions. I reply "We were told to expect to work from home until at least August. I'm grateful since it's one less thing to think about." Sam and I go back a forth a bit more, expressing gratitude and an interest in meeting up again once its safe. It's the first I've interacted with him in about 5 years and it makes me glad to hear from him.

I start lunch early because I don't have anything better to do. For lunch I make myself and CY a sandwich. We have some really good Italian bread we got from the grocery store that we can make into a decent replica of a Philadelphia style hoagie. I already chopped up the veggies so I can just take them out of the fridge and start layering them on. CY likes his sandwich with mayo and turkey. I don't like handling either of those things, but it's easy enough. I make his first then make a veggie version for myself. We use the new hoagie oil which isn't as bad as I had originally feared, but it isn't as good as the name brand one we had before. Pity they were out of it at the store when we went.

My 2019 tax refund from Ohio lands into my investment account. I plan to use it to invest in assorted stocks I feel will bounce back once the economy recovers.

After lunch I watch a few more youtube videos while I knit. One is a career review of the one-hit wonder band 'Living in a Box' and another is a recording of 'the world's worst singer' Florence Foster Jenkins. I had found an article that talked about people who had a medical condition which made them unable to percieve how poorly they performed a skill. In her case, she was a renowned as a very poor singer who believed she was very good and people would come to watch her ironically. I try to watch a congressional hearing where they discuss the health crisis with Dr. Fauci, but it's too depressing so I stop.

My anxiety related to work continues to grow. I figure that I'm not able to bring myself to do any investigation on my own, but I'm still able to ask people questions. I reach out through Skype to a colleague who I believe had worked with this business group before. I am surprised by how helpful she is and how quickly she is to respond. We get on a call and she shows me some reporting she did that is similar and directs me towards a table she thinks would have the values I'm looking for. She recommends another colleague to talk to and I schedule a meeting with him for the next day since he was busying for the rest of today. I feel instantly better. My anxiety about my work plummets and I find the energy and motivation to start investigating another task I've been given. I quickly find 1) the task was way easier than I initially estimated and 2) the data I want isn't available where I thought it would be. I even find out a new way to pull code out of Tableau and I excitedly share my discovery with another colleague. Around this time it's getting close to 4pm, my usual time to stop working and just become available for questions, should anyone need to reach out to me. I feel better about myself and allow myself to take more pleasure in my activities.

I start to prepare for the online D&D game I host each week, Tuesdays at 7:30pm. One of my favorite things about quarantine is that it's given me the time and ability to play again. I've missed having a regular D&D game badly. We had a very good game the previous week and I'm excited to make new material for this new game. I decide to include a villain who is a Banksia Man, one of the anatognists from the Australian fairy-tale Snugglepot and Cuddlepie. CY had helped me over the weekend come up with a cool backstory for him. I take notes and save some pictures so I can display them to my players through screen share.

A group of our friends are doing a Plank Challenge while we try to stay in shape while in quarantine. Colette set up a FB group with a list of exercises to do for 13 days. Each day, you do your assigned exercise then you post to the group to indicate you completed your day's tasks. CY and I made a point to work out for a bit each day after work and were already doing a fair amount of planks so the challenge as it was written was too easy for us. We tend to double the amount of time for each exercise or we double up the reps. My tasks for today are 30 seconds each of planks, rocking planks, hip dips, and up downs. I do all the exercises straight through twice with a short break in between sets then post to FB in the group.

After doing planks, CY and I go out to a nearby park to walk for a bit. We go for about 2.5 miles. It's a nice day, nearly 60 degrees. I am happy to see wild flowers starting to sprout up and the leaves coming back to the trees. Most people in the park are polite and keep their distance. It's rare to see people wearing masks while they are walking or running, so it almost feels normal.

We make it back with enough time for me to start getting my notes ready for game. CY offers to make me food and asks what I'd like to eat. We had just gone to Trader Joe's the weekend before and gotten a truly ridiculous amount of frozen food. He insists I pick something from the freezer to eat. In the end we decide he'll cut up the jackfruit crab cakes and make them into 'seafood tacos'. He even makes some sriracha ranch to go with it. The crab cake is surprisingly greasy, but it's very tasty and filling. Not sure I'd get it again though.

I go into the gaming group call and we quickly realize that only Gene and Aaron are going to be able to join game. We don't think it will be enough to continue the campaign I prepared for so I offer to do a one-shot just for them. I show them a cute rpg I found awhile ago called 'Fuck! It's Dracula' and we give it a shot. We have fun but I feel a bit unprepared since I have to ab lib most of the plot and come up with secret plans on the fly so they can be betrayed by their NPCs. The game is much shorter than I initially anticipated and we finish up around 9:30pm, much earlier than normal. I don't feel like Aaron and Gene enjoyed this game as much as they would have enjoyed the larger campaign I made, but at least we got to play together for a bit. I appreciate the social contact at the very least.

We dismiss ourselves from game and I join CY on the couch. He is watching some cooking tutorial videos, trying to teach himself how to smoke brisket properly. I go back and forth between different apps on my phone, not really paying attention to the TV. I try to read for a bit, but we eventually settle down to sleep before I get very far. I feel good about how the day went and I'm proud of myself for getting work done on the sock and researching my projects. I feel better about my life than I did when I first woke up this morning.

#journal writing #quarantine #may 2020

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oxatouchofthewickedxo · 4 years

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Saturn’s Return

this post is more for my own benefit bc my memory sucks so you can stop reading now if ya want.

so a while back when i watched parks and recreation all the way through for the first time, i got very intrigued by the conversation that donna and april had about the concept of saturn’s return. which if you don’t know, saturn will return to the exact spot it was when you were born around 27-29 years later. apparently this is a time for rebirth and renewal as well as a shedding of your child self so you can begin the process of growing up and becoming an adult.

not too long after that, i happened to be really paying attention to the lyrics of “the grudge” by tool in which maynard talks about saturn ascending and forcing you to make a choice in your life. didn’t really do much research on it at the time because i was actually in the bath tub while listening to it and like i said, my memory is terrible so by the time i got out and got dressed, it slipped my mind.

last night, my best friend came over to my fiance & i’s house and somehow this concept of saturn’s return came up in conversation which sparked the tool song in my head again. i began to look into it and apparently this theory is extremely prevalent in the land o’ tool. i’m just gonna list the things that may be all in my head but considering maynard and the insanity of all that tool is, i highly doubt it:

1. at least 2 songs have this concept as a theme: the grudge and jambi

2. 10,000 days is the title of an album as well as a song. saturn’s return takes roughly 10,000 days.

3. opiate came out in 1992, 10,000 days came out in 2006, and fear inoculum came out this year, 2019. so in my opinion, opiate is like the birth of tool, 10,000 days come out 14 years later which suggests they are midway through their journey as a band, then in 2019 which is 27 years later, saturn returns and tool as we know them have reached their peak. so i believe that if tool does in fact make another album after this, they may not be the tool we are all used to.

4. lateralus is 78 minutes and 51 seconds long. 78 minus 51 is 27.

5. the grudge is 8 minutes and 36 seconds long, 36-8 is 28.

please note that i do realize that lateralus came out before 10,000 days but i am just pointing out the constant use of these numbers throughout the band’s history. if i didn’t know maynard the way that i do, i would think these were all just coincidences but i have learned so many times throughout the last 9 years that there literally are NO coincidences in this band. everything has meaning. LITERALLY everything.

as far as my personal experiences with saturn’s return, i truly believe this is a real thing. my fiance was 28 years old when we met in 2010 and he turned 29 3 months later. this was a time of internal struggle, self discovery, and straight up insanity for him. he had been using crack for about 4 years at this point and was at this precipice with it where he literally hated how the drug made him feel but his addiction would get the best of him every time and he would end up using. however, something came over him one day and he decided that he wasn’t going to let this happen anymore so he voluntarily went to rehab and he came home a new man. sure, there have been a couple of slip ups here and there, but no binges and definitely a different type of regret afterwards. literally from that moment that he made his mind up to better himself, he has been a completely different person. he is the most incredible human being i know and i am so grateful for whatever clicked in his brain to make him change.

flash forward to now and i am currently 29 years old and the last 4 months have been the most life shaping ones of my life. on august 13th of this year i got fired from my job. 2 weeks later, the cops showed up at our house looking for me. luckily, i had literally just left 5 minutes before this so i didn’t end up in jail. turns out there was a warrant out for my arrest due to a driving under suspension charge i had gotten in may when i got pulled over for speeding. i had absolutely no idea my license was suspended by the way. but anyway, i completely forgot to go to my court date and for some reason, they never sent me anything about the rescheduled one so hence the warrant. due to the fact that not only was i unemployed, but also the cops showed up twice in one day, my fiance’s grandparents told him i could no longer live in our house which we rent from them and is behind theirs. they are super old school so the minute anything like this happens, they think the worst. i had nowhere else to go, so i in the blink of an eye was homeless. prior to losing my job, i had been going to the methadone clinic for over a year in order to get off heroin. because i could no longer afford my methadone, i immediately fell back in with my heroin dealer who was like my big brother, so instead of giving me dope for money, he gave me dope for rides to work. so here i was, homeless, back on heroin, and completely uncaring and oblivious to the shit hole i had dug for myself. all of this led to me driving 2.5 hours to my father’s house on october 11th. i came completely clean with my dad, told him about all the horrible things i had been doing over the last few years, and begged him to let me stay with him for a while in order to get my shit together which i thought was very doable since i was no longer in my city around drugs and enablers. instead though, my dad’s solution was to ship me off to a 12 MONTH LONG FAITH BASED “recovery program.” i should add that i do not believe in the christian god at all and think that organized religion is a joke and he knows this about me. to make matters worse, they also did not allow me to have ANY correspondence with my fiance who i have been with for 9 years and has been my ONLY support system during this time. i am talking no phone calls, no visits, and not even letters back and forth. as if all that wasn’t enough to make me want to kill myself, they also didn’t offer any type of medically assisted detox. i was told all that would be available to me was ibuprofen, rest, and water. if you’ve never gone through opiate withdrawal, then you have no freaking clue about the hell that i was about to be in for. i can’t even put what dope sickness feels like into words. it is literally the worst thing i have ever experienced in my life. i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. there’s a lyric from the highly suspect song “bath salts” that kind of describes it perfectly....”6 AM, there goes the moon, i feel like death is coming soon & oh, all i wanna do is fucking sleep.” which is about damn right because you feel like you are dying and no matter what you do, you can’t sleep. no amount of downers or sleeping pills can calm those restless legs bruh. but anyway...i am getting off track. i knew going into this bullshit that i wasn’t going to make it. not because of me wanting to use again, but because i was going to have jesus literally crammed down my throat and the absence of matthew from my life for a year was just NOT going to happen. adding insult to injury, the day i went into this god forsaken place was october 14th, ONE FUCKING DAY before our 9 year anniversary. the only thing i even wanna say about my time at this place right now was that they are satists because they would only give me ibuprofen, etc. once a day, i was only allowed to “rest” the first 3 days i was there and this rest was either laying across the world’s most uncomfortable chairs or on the freezing ass cold floor of a fucking church sanctuary. anyways, on the weekends we were FORCED to go all over the east coast in small groups to fundraise in order to “earn our keep”...we had to do this for 13 hours a day every friday and saturday. fast forward to my 2nd weekend there and my 2nd day of my 2nd fundraiser. i’m not sure what came over me, but something inside me snapped. i reached my “i cannot take this shit anymore” point. we went inside the walmart we were fundraising at and i stole one of those small personal boxes of wine, went into the bathroom, and shotgunned the fuck out of this thing. once we were back outside at our table, i waited until it was my turn to “man” the table and my leader’s turn to “work the door” and i went into her bookbag & stole the $550 we had raised the day before. i then asked her if i could go get my tennis shoes out of the van and when i did that, i also grabbed my id and social security card out of my wallet. a couple of minutes later, i asked for a bathroom break which we were not allowed to take alone, so as soon as she went inside a stall, i turned around and ran like a crazy person out of that store & across the street to metro pcs to get a cell phone. after that, i went to walgreens where i got a prepaid debit card and ordered a lyft to a hotel where i got a room for the night. once i got settled, i first made plans with my dealer to come home and get up with him. we looked into me taking a lyft home but that would have cost $200 so we decided i would wait til the morning and take a bus. not sure what it was but something kept telling me that it was a horrible idea to do all of that. it kept getting stronger and when my gut talks to me like that, i listen, so i knew i needed a plan b. i don’t know what put this thought in my head, but i decided to call this guy i had worked with a few years ago. i worked at a pest control company as a schedule coordinator and he was one of the technicians i scheduled for. we lived in different states, about 4 hours away from one another, but we talked on the phone constantly obviously. during the time i worked there, we grew incredibly close and even after i stopped working there, we maintained a relationship and anytime he had to come to my city, which is where the corporate office is located, we would get together. in 2016, i even cheated on my fiance with him. this kid was head over heels in love with me, but i never felt the same way, but me being my typical bitchy self, i preyed on that to my advantage. he and i hadn’t spoken since shortly after we hooked up in 2016, but he literally jumped in his car the moment i asked and was on the way to come get me. unfortunately, his car broke down on the interstate like 45 minutes after he left, so i ended up getting a bus ticket to where he lives the next morning. he came and got me at the bus station and all of a sudden, i was in a different state, 4 hours from home, and living with a man who was not my fiance whom at this point i hadn’t even called yet. i was terrified to tell him about what i had done because i was so ashamed. i didn’t want to disappoint him yet again because at this point, that’s all i was doing. fast forward to 2 weeks later and my fiance found out that i had decided i was going to stay where i was and be with this other dude because i had convinced myself i didn’t need him and that i was living my best life, so of course, he stopped talking to me and said he was done. for 5 days, i didn’t try to contact him or even look at my phone, but one night while the new guy was at work, i was laying in bed watching how i met your mother and seeing marshall and lily made me miss my fiance on a physically painful level. so, i finally caved and turned my phone on even though i knew that any communication from him was going to be negative and horribly mean. instead though, i only had one message from him and it was the sweetest msg ever saying he was going to always love me and be waiting for me if i wanted him, but he wasn’t going to interfere with my happiness if this new dude made me happy. i immediately called him and we stayed on the phone for 2 hours during which we made the plan for him to come rescue me. that was on a tuesday and we planned for him to come pick me up the following monday. those were the longest 5 days of my life. when we finally were together again, he picked me up, i wrapped my legs around him, and we kissed. it was at that moment i knew that he is my fucking home. there will never be anyone for me but him. those 37 days without him were the most agonizing days of my life and i swear i will never be away from him again.

so to bring this to a close, my saturn’s return literally returned me to my home in the literal and figurative sense. i have learned more about myself and about what life is about in the last 4 months than i ever have in my 29 years of life. things are far from perfect right now, but i am somehow at peace because for once, i listened to my heart instead of trying to please everyone else. i can’t explain to you the realizations i have come to in these last few weeks, but i am beyond clear headed and i know without a doubt i did the right thing for my sanity. this saturn’s return shit is real and is no fucking joke.

PS....AS OF 12/12/19, I WILL BE OFF OF OPIATES FOR 2 MONTHS AND THAT IS THE LONGEST CLEAN TIME I HAVE HAD FROM THEM IN 8 FUCKING YEARS SO AYYYYYYE! lol

#saturnsreturn #saturn #life #addiction #opiates #tool #maynardjameskeenan #rehab

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blind3dbylight · 6 years

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Adventures in pest control: FINAL BATTLE

This time, I tell my horror stories about the worst little blood-feeders I have ever had the displeasure of dealing with: bed bugs. These little fuckers have given me numerous headaches in the three years I’ve worked in pest control, and I’ve killed thousands of the wretched little things. If they get good and dug in, they will get into fucking anything--wood, electronics, you own it, they’ll get into it, and it can take months before they are finally put down for good. They are some of the most elusive insects in this business and I hate them with nearly every fiber of my being.

So here’s some stories. Sleep tight!

Light vs. Bed Bugs: ROUND ONE

This was roughly 2.5 years ago, shortly after I got hired on full time.

It’s a six-unit apartment building. First apartment I walked into already nearly floored me--there were already thousands of dead bugs scattered everywhere. Sinks, bathtub, floors, I mean fucking everywhere from when we did the initial setup. I thankfully didn’t find any live ones, but goddamn--what happened here?

I only went back once after that, but the landlord was kind of a dick and was super picky about everything.

Light vs. Bed Bugs: ROUND TWO

This was around a year or two ago. I’d run that route for about a year before transferring to my current branch.

This is a set of buildings owned by one guy. Remember that town I said I wanted to forget? These fucking buildings are why. Half the time it wasn’t the landlord, it was the tenants being uncooperative. They never prepped properly and so there was always only so much I could do--and we were going back to every one of the buildings constantly. I wasted a lot of time trying to get the tenants to lift a goddamn finger without being a dick about it, and they always ended up with more bugs.

One building in particular took the cake. It was a nine or so unit building, and this one apartment had the little fuckers all the way up to the false ceiling. There were fecal spots all in the slats of the wall paneling, cast skins everywhere (bed bugs will molt as they grow through their nymphal stages), and everywhere I looked I seemed to just find more of the fuckers. I ended up going absolutely nuts with liquid crack-and-crevice, and blasting them with aerosol on sight. I almost single-handedly got them under control, though my former SM did go along with me occasionally to lend a hand.

But this wasn’t even the worst of it.

Light vs. Bed Bugs: ROUND THREE

This was a year and a half ago.

It’s another apartment building, kind of tucked out of the way near a school and some other small businesses. This is another case of “...something terrible has happened here”.

The tenant was apparently a bit troubled as it was, but when I got in, it was like a fucking bed bug death bomb had gone off. There were, again, thousands of dead bugs and cast skins littered everywhere--primarily under the bed, which had so much fecal spotting on it it was like large stains on the damn bed. All I could think was “how much fucking material did we basically dump into this place???” As with round one, I didn’t find anything live there and it was the result of the initial round of treatments, but goddamn.

Light vs. Bed Bugs: ROUND FOUR A CHALLENGER APPEARS !!

This was somewhat recent, within the past year: and it involves TWO different species.

It’s a large apartment building, middle of the town it was in. I was to go to the top floor left, where I was warned by the property manager that the tenant was a little old lady who wasn’t really all there.

Walking in, the first thing I noticed were our old pals, German roaches, in the kitchen. She didn’t really clean well, so not surprising that they were thriving in there.

That wasn’t the worst part. This woman’s bed was not only loaded with bed bugs--it had the fucking roaches living in it too. Bed bugs and roaches all living in the fucking bed at once. It’s one of the few times I’ve ever wanted so badly to loudly exclaim, “JESUS FUCKING CHRIST”.

A quick roach lesson. Many species of cockroach, German roaches included, will actually prey on bed bugs occasionally. So what was likely going on here is that the bed bugs would feed on the tenant in her sleep--and then the roaches would feast on the bed bugs. Turtles all the way down.

She also got them spread to other units because she wouldn’t properly bag up her clothes and linens--I found the fuckers in the hallways because of this. Bed bugs won’t go too far away from where they feed on you, so I knew her dragging stuff around and not bagging things up right were why they were there.

Needless to say, this apartment building was quite a battle. But we got them under control eventually.

The property manager turned out to be one cool lady around my age and we’re still friends to this day. Almost dated her, actually.

Light vs. Bed Bugs: ROUND FIVE

This ran for a solid year and lasted until one final throwdown a year ago, prior to my transfer to my current branch.

This was a three-story apartment building that had been dealing with bed bugs in all three units. The top and bottom floors weren’t nearly as bad as the middle, which had a moderate level of activity.

That wasn’t the problem, though. The problem was that nobody could figure out where the hell they were travelling through or how they just kept coming back time and again.

This account was one of the most difficult I have ever been to, because I had to go back weekly just to be able to keep up with the fucking things. The upper tenants were also always loud and rude about it, though they would calm down when things were quiet.

But the bed bugs were persistent little fuckers and they’d just start showing up coming out of any stupid little crevice around the kitchen and bathroom areas in this and the bottom floor. The second floor would have em in their furniture because they either weren’t keeping an eye on them or since they didn’t have bed frames. They were lazy with prep too.

This went on for months, and I often had to go quite a bit out of my way to accommodate it, sometimes driving an hour from the main town I was in (the shithole I hated so much) to go do this one account, then an hour back to go try to finish up. I was miserable just from this one fucking account.

Eventually, our technical manager (and all around sharp motherfucker--nothing, and I do mean nothing, gets past this guy) took notice. I learned from reading the notes on the account one day that he saw my SM and I were on top of it, but that we’d been doing this for quite a while and still couldn’t get them out. He offered to send another guy from technical to help us get a third set of eyes on the issue and try to get more insight as to how the fuckers were still there.

And it was a fucking throwdown. Myself, my SM, the residential SM, and the technical guy all showed up, ready to fucking throw pest control hands with these little cocksuckers. We finally were able to remove a wall panel that led into the plumbing of the bathrooms--which I should mention connected all three units.

The little fuckers had been hiding in there the whole time, and had overwintered there. As it was newly spring at that time, they were out and moving again. We slammed them with everything we had in one big three-hour slugfest. Liquid, dust, aerosol, nothing was sacred at that point.

It paid off. After I transferred, I was later told by the guy who now services that account that our throwdown was the turning point. Activity had dropped severely after that until finally, they were gone. That account was the one that truly taught my just how tenacious bed bugs are.

But we have one more fight in store.

Light vs. Bed Bugs: A FINALE CHAOTIC

This one is quite recent--and a bit personal. Yes, the pest control guy got bed bugs in his own home. You can understand why this would strike a nerve.

When I moved into my current place, not a couple weeks in, my roommates and I noticed we were finding ourselves insect bitten. I immediately knew to start searching for the wee blood suckers, and sure enough, I found em. One of my roommates caught a sample of them and that’s how I knew something was fucked up. I’m still thinking they were here before we moved in, and the previous tenants had them and just never told my landlord about them. That happens quite frequently--people get afraid they’ll get evicted or something for it, when all they had to do was tell the landlord they needed to have things treated.

A bed bug lesson. If bed bugs are present, but there is nothing for them to feed on, they will enter a dormant state where they don’t really move, but are still alive in a low-energy state. They can stay like this for up to a year or until something starts residing where they are.

Well, we were that something. They had to have been bad here, because I was finding them already getting into everything. I’d find them on my desk, and even once in my tablet case. Strangely, they never got into my laptop, and considering I had my laptop all taken apart just earlier tonight, I would have found them if they did.

Anyway, we decided let’s just keep our cool and let the landlord know. He had either another company or an in-house treatment done two months in a row, in June and July.

It wasn’t enough. We were still finding them, and since whoever did the treatments hadn’t been doing bi-weekly follow ups (as my company would have done), I was doing it myself with liquid crack-and-crevice.

It was still not enough--my roommates haven’t complained, but I was still seeing them periodically. The little fuckers had to have been dug in good, because I regularly found them in several cracks in the floorboards--not surprising, as this is an older building.

I decided to take matters into my own hands and do things the way I damn well KNOW THEY OUGHT TO BE DONE. I put Arya and her food/water/litter out of the room, shut the door, and went to fucking town. I mean every single stupid little crack and crevice got fucking flooded with material. I watch several bugs writhe and die in the shit. I blasted them with aerosol on fucking sight. I was going to show these six-legged dickheads that I was not to be fucked with. I found I was able, by the product labels, to use the trick of tank-mixing traditional insecticide concentrate with the IGR from before, giving me more of an edge in getting ahead of their ability to breed. Eventually I started seeing almost no nymphs and all adults. Suffer not a bed bug to live.

I am 99.9% sure they’re gone now, but I’ve been doing weekly liquid runs in here until I can be 110% sure that they are fucking gone forever. And they WILL stay the fuck out, or be annihilated.

You blood sucking bastards fucked with the wrong dude.

#light says a thing #insects #bed bugs #adventures in pest control #if i must suffer #you will all suffer with me

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hes-woman · 6 years

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Bank Holiday Antics

part one part two

05/05

“Is everything okay? Is it Y/N? The baby?” Harry rambled out, talking at one hundred miles an hour from the minute that Gemma picked up her phone.

“Everything’s fine, Harry. You don’t have to worry so much all the time, I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to Y/N while you’re away,” Gemma reassured him, soaking in his worried expression and messed up hair, most likely from him pulling at it from anxiety.

“I had a missed call, I figured you’d just drop a text if it wasn’t important.”

“I’m offended, you make it sound as if I never call to check on you,” she snorted, frowning at Harry, “and d’you really think I’d be FaceTiming you if there was an emergency?”

“Well, you never know. You could’ve been too overwhelmed to notice what you were doing and accidentally clicked the wrong button.”

“I was just calling to give you an update on your wife, which you obviously need if you go into panic mode every time you see a missed call on your phone. Seriously, Harry, this paranoia’s really starting to get the better of you.”

“Don’t be mean to him, Gem. He probably needs a good sleep, can’t do him any good moving from country to country,” you defended him from where you were sat across from her, taking a sip of your orange juice as you mindlessly scrolled through social media.

“We’re out for brunch by the way. It was meant to be breakfast, but someone couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed when she was supposed to,” Gemma told him, sending a playful glare in your direction.

“I was finishing a manuscript, actually. I started it yesterday at work and I wanted to get it finished before our weekend got busy to get a proper feel for the book,” you retorted, narrowing your eyes back at her as a light smirk spread across her face.

He couldn’t see you, since only Gemma was in view. But, he was glad to hear your voice and know that you had company, rather than being on your own all the time. He knew how lucky he was to have a partner who got on so well with his sister, to the point where they acted like sisters themselves, especially with his job. This way, he could count on you always having someone to look out for you while he was gone, without even asking them to. He could tell that the two of you had gotten particularly close since the wedding, and even more so since the pregnancy. Gemma had been one of the first people you’d told, after both of your parents, and she was so excited for there to be a new baby in the family. It gave him peace of mind that his sister would do anything for you, and the baby, when they arrived.

“You can really tell Y/N’s eating for two, proper scoffed her plate down. You might wanna hurry home, ‘cause, at this rate, she’ll have eaten you out of house and home by the end of the week,” Gemma teased, earning a swat to her arm from you.

“Be nice to each other,” Harry warned playfully, before saying goodbye to the both of you so he could catch up on some sleep before his next show.

yourinstagram ladies who brunch @gemmastyles

06/05

“Harry!” Gemma cheered when Harry’s face appeared on the screen of her phone, “we miss you, there’s no one here to cook all the food. Well, Michal’s doing it now but it took him and Y/N a while to figure out how to turn the gas on.”

“I’m glad you really value me as a person, and not just for my cooking skills, Gem,” he rolled his eyes.

“Your wife’s looking a bit like a tomato, if I’m honest. You should really teach her about sun cream,” Gemma snickered, flipping the camera around so it was facing you, standing a few metres away from her as you began to set the table.

“Don’t tell him that! He’ll throttle me. Or you, maybe, since you’re meant to be keeping me out of trouble,” you walked over to Gemma and sat next to her, peering at her phone as she turned the camera back again, waving to Harry, “s’not that bad, H. And I did put sun cream on, promise.”

“Just make sure you put something on the places you’re burnt later. I think there’s still some of that Aloe Vera stuff in the bathroom cupboard somewhere. Don’t want you waking up all sore tomorrow ‘cause you couldn’t put sun lotion on quick enough.”

“And here’s me thinking that Y/N wore the pants in the relationship, I stand corrected,” Gemma taunted, ignoring the jab to the stomach she received from your elbow and the glare Harry was giving her through the phone.

“Your mum said to give her a ring when you get a chance, just to check in,” you told him, pushing your sunglasses back up the bridge of your nose.

“Yeah, Harry, stop being a bad son and call your mother,” Gemma scolded playfully.

“I ring her every other day, actually. In case you’ve forgotten, I’m in a completely different time zone so it’s difficult to find a good time.”

“Anyways, on a serious notes, we’re missing you, baby bro,” Gemma pouted, leaning her head on your shoulder as she gestured for you to take the phone.

“I miss you all too,” he smiled, trying his best to subdue the ever-growing lump in his throat, “I hope you’ve both been drinking lots of water today. And moving into the shade when you get too hot. I don’t want to hear about anyone ending up in the hospital with sunstroke or dehydration.”

“Harryyy,” Gemma whined, “we’re grown women, y’know, perfectly capable of taking care of ourselves.”

“Don’t worry, H. I’m keeping the both of them in check,” Michal laughed, appearing behind the sofa and bending down so he was in shot.

“We’re independent women. You couldn’t tell us what to do even if you tried,” you scrunched your nose up in disapproval, Gemma’s handing lifting up to meet yours in a high-five.

yourinstagram perfect way to spend a Sunday evening. All I need now is @harrystyles

07/05

“We’ve got a surprise for you!” Gemma squealed when Harry answered the phone.

The camera was turned round so that he could see you standing in the middle of a small paddling pool, that the two of you had bought only a few hours ago. The trip had initially been to grab some food for the second barbecue you’d decided to have, but when the both of you saw the paddling pool, you knew it was something you needed to help keep you cool in the strangely hot British weather. You were wearing a black and white checked bikini, with a messy bun atop your head and oversized sunglasses protecting your eyes from the sun. Arms outstretched and a grin plastered on your face, you called out a ‘ta da’.

“And, if you look close enough, you can even see a baby bump beginn-”

“No, you can’t, Gem! I’m not even seven weeks yet, there’s not gonna be anything there for a while yet,” you pushed her phone away from where she was giving Harry close-ups of your stomach, “give me my husband, before you start telling him some other ridiculous things.”

“A paddling pool, hm?” Harry chuckled when Gemma handed you her phone, a smile on his face when he saw you back on the screen.

“It’s so hot here, we really need it. And we haven’t looked into getting someone to do the proper one yet, so I thought this was perfect for a temporary solution.”

“S’always handy to have a paddling pool. Seems like you’ve got the perfect weather for a bank holiday.”

“I know, we’re so lucky. I think we might pop down to the beach for a couple of hours, as well,” you sat down cross-legged in the blow-up pool as you continued to talk to him, “you’re meant to be getting ready to go on stage, aren’t you?”

He began to shake his head but he was interrupted by Jeffrey, who came into view beside Harry, “yes, he is. As much as I love listening to you talk about your plans, I could really use your husband’s attention right now.”

“I forget that it’s the evening where you are, sorry, Jeff. I’ll speak to you later, H, love you lots. Give me a text when you’re finished, and have the time of your life,” you blew him a kiss, giggling when Gemma began to sing Sign of the Times in a dramatic, high-pitched voice.

gemmastyles summer, we’re ready for you

*this has been ready for about a month but I completely forgot about it, so here it is!! This is like a part 2.5 rather than a part 3 as it was initially meant to fill the gap until part 3 was written. Hope you enjoy :)*

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lifeinacampervan-blog · 6 years

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Getting Cozy in a Campervan

After a relaxing 4 days in Noosa we packed up our rental car for the last time and made the 2.5 hour drive to Brisbane where we were picking up our campervan and new home for the next 3 weeks.

Jonah has fond memories of family vacations spent travelling around Canada and the west coast of the United States in a Volkswagen campervan, so he was looking forward to reliving those great experiences here in Australia. I on the other hand have never travelled around in a campervan, and while I love being outdoors the only times I have ever gone camping have been on multi-day hikes while travelling abroad. Needless to say I wasn't quite sure what to expect but one way or the other I knew it would be an adventure to say the least.

In Search of our Campervan

We navigated our way to the Campervan Finder NZ office where we needed to drop off our rental car. We are so excited to start the campervan adventure. A friendly employee led us over to our new home where he showed us the in's and out's of where everything was and how things worked. Our campervan could sleep 4 people - 2 on the bottom bed and 2 up top in what I will call the storage cubby. We had a sink, fridge, 2 burner cooktop, microwave, a few drawers to store cooking utensils, and an open toilet and shower awkwardly located next to the cooking area in the same compartment.

Jonah's first impressions of the campervan - it was not German engineered, a bit tight quarters and I didn't remember the cushions for the bed being so thin. That's gonna be a problem. I was happy we had our home base for the next 3 weeks and was hoping it would work well enough for Kristen. Given that Kristen had never really camped I was hoping 3 weeks in the campervan wasn't too ambitious!

My first impressions - it was definitely tight quarters, the carpet on the floor was a little dirty, and I wasn't so sure how I felt about sleeping on the lumpy pillows or the thin bed. It certainly wasn't the roomy and luxurious Apollo campervan we had seen a couple weeks ago but I was hoping this one would grow on me.

After loading up our bags and signing off on the paperwork, we still had to drop off the rental car I may be holding the keys but I'm not driving! We did this together and took a cab back as I actually hadn't done any driving in Australia and didn't think now was the day to start.

Back at the Campervan Finder NZ Depot it was now time to start a new adventure in Australia. The campervan is about the size of a 8 seater passenger van/bus you might take to get to the airport, and way larger than the rental cars we were used to driving. We did a few side and rear view mirror checks at which point Jonah told me I was going to have to do all the shoulder checks for him on the passenger side as he had major blind spots. Now that made me nervous because now not only did I have to navigate but practically stick my head out the window to make sure there were no cars beside us. Our first order of business was to find a gas station, and we got off to a bit of a rocky start when we pulled out onto a main road and our lane suddenly stopped leaving us no room to merge into the lanes beside us. After that the remainder of the drive to Burleigh Heads on the Gold Coast was uneventful mostly because we were crawling along the traffic clogged freeway with all the other people from Brisbane who were likely heading out to the coast for the weekend.

Makiing Our Campervan Cozy

We stopped at a Big W (like a Walmart) and picked up an air mattress as Jonah was adamant that sleeping on the thin cushions was just not going to work. We pulled into the caravan park just as the sun was beginning to set Figuring out how to set up the bed . We figured we should probably set up our bed before dark and so after only a few tries we figured out where all the wooden boards went and how the cushions fit together. And I have to admit when looking at the bed I was also glad we had bought the air mattress. We then started blowing up the air mattress but we hadn't bought a pump and quickly realized this was going to take a long long time using our manual lung capacity. Jonah went off to see if anyone in the campground had a pump and found a friendly couple from Australia who let us use their pump. Once the campervan was all set up, we went into town for dinner and then crawled into our new bed for the night!Day one down, 20 more to go!

#campervan #travel #road trips #australia

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all-the-cliches-lwa · 6 years

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Light Learning

So, about two months ago, @kodraws drew something (link here) for Dianakko Week, and I absolutely adored it.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was looking at my lockscreen (it’s my lockscreen now) and I was like “… what might have happened to make this happen?”

And then I hit 1000 followers a while ago (and thanks a lot for that btw! I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve it, barring screaming into tags, but I hope you all enjoy my screaming), and like I considered if I wanted to write a 1000 follower appreciation fic. Then I opened my phone.

So now I have a fanfic chapter inspired by fanart inspired by fanfic. I’ve gone full circle!

… So how many of you have read Learning to Fly? Cause this is kinda like a pre-epilogue epilogue, if that makes any sense, and I most definitely treat it as such (this is riddled with call-backs... in hindsight perhaps not the best thing to do for a “1000 follower fic”... seeing as I’m not sure everyone’s read the fic). It takes place about 2.5 months after the main events of the fic and 1.5 months before the epilogue.

Not 100% sure if I recaptured the tone but I had a lot of fun playing with this.

I hope you enjoy reading this! And seriously, thanks for the follows.

ff.net link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12486574/16/Learning-to-Fly

Word Count: 6746 words

Summary: Ever since Akko and Diana started dating, life has gotten in the way of any more private tutoring sessions. But now, two and half months later, Akko finally has the chance to learn from her favorite tutor, and Diana has the chance to teach her favorite student.

A lone spark lit up in the darkness. Though it started as a soft, almost dim ball of light, it continued to grow bigger and brighter until its light rivaled that of the sun.

And that’s when Diana woke up, the enchantment she had cast upon herself before going to sleep having done exactly what it was intended to do: wake her up in the middle of the night.

It only took her a moment for her consciousness to fully return to her from sleep’s embrace… and while she was reluctant at first to escape it, she quickly broke free from its alluring grasp, knowing full well that another, more blissful embrace would be soon taking its place.

Diana removed her covers from atop her, grabbed her wand from the desk, and jumped off of her bed. She imbued magic into her wand, creating a gentle green glow. With the light illuminating the dark room, Diana turned towards the mirror on her wall and ensured that her uniform wasn’t excessively wrinkled and that there was not a single hair out of place.

While perfection was unnecessary, Diana wanted to appear at least somewhat presentable.

She ran a hand down her skirt, straightening out any wrinkles. Thoroughly satisfied, Diana maneuvered around her bed and walked up to her table. She smiled at the calendar, filled with scribbled hearts and even more crosses and x’s. However, the most prominent doodle on the calendar was the big red heart encircling today’s date.

She reached out and tapped the date with her finger, causing the heart to shine a bright red.

The signal sent, Diana quietly moved towards the exit of her room. It was late after all, and Hannah and Barbara had retired for the night quite a while ago. Diana did not wish to wake them by making any excess sound.

Diana carefully opened door, meticulously controlling her force so that not a single noise was made. When she made the tiniest opening, Diana peeked through it, ensuring no one from the night patrol was outside.

After all, it was past curfew. And sure, this wasn’t the first time she’d broken curfew, but that did not mean she wouldn’t be taking the necessary precautions.

She squinted, looking for any sign of the familiar green light that signaled a patrol member was passing by.

She’d had enough obstacles over the past months. Getting caught was not something that she would allo-

“Diana?”

Diana jumped at the call of her name and quickly whipped her head towards the voice. She visibly relaxed when she saw that it was Hannah, who was sitting up on her bed.

“My apologies,” Diana said, “I had not intended to wake you.”

“What’s going on?” Barbara mumbled as she shifted towards the door, “Are you going somewhere Diana?”

“There isn’t, like, something terrible happening, right Diana?” Hanna asked, her eyes widening and her voice filled with dread.

“No, nothing of the sort,” Diana quickly said, her hand waving their worries away. “I simply wished to go for a night stroll.”

Hannah and Barbara blinked at Diana slowly, confused at first, their sleep-muddled minds not comprehending what exactly was happening. After all, why would Diana go on a stroll this late?

Then the gears quickly began turning, and they both began to sport a smug grin. Smug grins that quickly revealed to Diana that she had been read quite easily, much to her own embarrassment.

“A night stroll, huh Diana?”

“Y-yes Barbara,” Diana stammered, still trying to keep up this excuse.

“So… you’re breaking curfew, to go on a stroll?” Hannah innocently asked.

“… Yes.”

“I see… then you wouldn’t mind if we joined you right?”

“Excuse me?” Diana gasped, her face beginning to pale.

As much as she loved her team, that was the absolute last thing she wanted or needed from them tonight.

“I mean, you wouldn’t mind it right?” Barbara asked.

“Yeah, it’s just a night stroll right Diana?” Hannah continued.

“… I simply wish to be alone for the night.” Diana finished.

“Alone?” Hannah and Barbara echoed.

“Yes. Alone,” Diana said, her cheeks aflame.

“… Right, if you say so Diana,” Hannah said, tucking herself back into bed. "Have fun on your little 'stroll'"

Diana sighed in relief and smiled, happy that her friends appeared to satisfied with her reasoni-

“Oh, and tell Ak~ko we said hi~,” Hannah and Barbara sang together, their voices light and teasing.

Diana quickly squeaked an “okay” before dashing outside of the room, the sound of giggles the last thing she heard escape her room.

Akko had been up all night with only a dim candlelight illuminating the room.

That was okay though. It was late, and her friends were sleeping.

Akko, however, was way too excited to sleep. Her heart had been racing for hours, and she could barely contain her anticipation, having been bouncing on her bed ever since classes had ended for the day.

It had gotten so bad that Akko needed to grab the thing in her room that could soothe her the most. Something filled with meaning and importance.

The premium Shiny Chariot card.

The card never failed to relax Akko or make her happy whenever she was stressed or sad.

… Unfortunately, the card seemed to have actually had the opposite effect, making Akko even more giddy, the card a perfect reminder of just who exactly she had been waiting to see.

And that was when she saw it out of the corner of her eye: a red spark of light shining off of the calendar Diana had given her a few days ago. A grin broke on her face as she watched a bright red heart form on today’s date.

In an instant, Akko leapt off of her bed, grabbed her wand, and bolted out of the room, only making sure to lightly close the door, so as to not wake up her roommates.

Although a nice thought, the gesture was wholly pointless, seeing as her two friends slowly rose up out of their slumber, looking towards the door Akko had just sprinted out of.

“Where does that idiot think she’s going?” Sucy muttered.

“Well, you know Akko.” Lotte said with a chuckle.

Sucy sighed.

“Should we follow her and make sure she doesn’t get herself, and us, in trouble?”

Lotte hummed and shook her head. “I don’t think we’ll need to,” Lotte said, turning towards Sucy. “If she ran out that quickly, she’ll probably already be with someone who’ll do that for us.”

Sucy looked up to Lotte and smiled.

“Figures Akko could get even Diana to break the rules.”

Lotte giggled at the thought before wishing Sucy another good night as they both leaned back down onto their beds.

It had been far too long.

It was as if, the very moment after they had realized and accepted the feelings they had for one another and finally became a couple, fate itself had decided to thrust their lives into chaos.

Never mind tutoring. Between Professor Croix’s abrupt tenure into the school, the Faerie strike, the journey to unlock the Seven Words of Arcturus, the Wild Hunt, Diana leaving Luna Nova and Akko bringing her back, and, of course, the unlocking of the Grand Triskelion, Akko and Diana barely had enough time to be alone together.

And, given how stressful and tiring all of this was, the time they spent alone was usually spent cuddling with one another, neither witch having much left in terms of energy.

One would think that, after releasing the Grand Triskelion, essentially completing the quest that had, for so long, been a large part in both of their school lives, the both of them would have more time with one another.

Unfortunately, people who thought that had never met the press, and they certainly had never met Wangari or anyone else on the Luna Nova News staff.

It had already been a week since the missile crisis, but Akko and Diana were still the headline of the daily school newspaper. While their privacy in their rooms had been respected - Wangari may have been dedicated to getting the latest and greatest scoop, but she wasn’t some sort of criminal -, any moment in the public space of Luna Nova was fair game.

Which made having those promised private tutoring sessions… very complicated.

There wasn’t a waking moment outside of their rooms where the both of them weren’t swarmed by reporters.

And that was why Akko had hatched this plan:

“If meeting up during the day wouldn’t be possible… what about at night? When everyone was asleep!”

Diana admitted the plan could work. It was certainly something that she had never thought of. There was only one problem with it.

“Curfew will have long passed.”

Akko groaned, collapsing atop Diana’s lap, the back of her hand landing dramatically atop her forehead.

“C'mon Dianaaaa, you’ve broken curfew before! And we both know you enjoyed it!”

Diana coughed, a faint blush finding a home on her face.

It was certainly true, after all. The first, and only, time she had actually broken curfew, as opposed to work around it via her duties or permission slips, was in fact a very special moment in her life. In both of their lives. It was one she never regretted doing, and one that, if given another chance, she would do all over again.

That being said, there was one, rather important difference.

“Akko…I broke curfew that night so that I could ensure your safe return to your dorm. What you are suggesting we do tomorrow and what I did then are two completely different matters.”

“They’re not that different… You’ll still be ‘ensuring my safe return’ to my dorm!” Akko protested. “It’ll just… you know, be after we spend like a couple of hours together.”

Diana sighed, bringing her hand up to interlock with Akko’s hand, which was still resting dramatically on her forehead.

She did admit, it was rather tempting. She did miss getting to have an exclusive look at Akko’s magic after all. Not to mention, Diana wanted to do everything in her power to help Akko grow into the kind of witch she wanted to become, one who could continue spreading the joys of magic around the world.

And… really, past curfew would be the only time she would get for this until the news from the Grand Triskelion had died down… and considering Wangari was only now asking either Akko or Diana about the sudden kiss they shared in the stratosphere atop the Shooting Star… that could take quite a while.

Such was the burden of being the school’s “power couple”, as Wangari so kindly put it.

Still, she was a Cavendish.

While the whole idea of strictly following tradition and rules had less meaning to her now than it had months ago- dating Akko did have that effect on her- she still acknowledged tradition’s and rules’ place in her life.

Seeing as she didn’t have to break any of them at this point in time, Diana had no intentions of doing so. Sure she wished to continue watching Akko improve, but that would come in time. All she needed was a bit of patience.

“Akko, you know tha-”

“Pleeeeeeeease?” Akko interrupted with a long drawn out plea as she shook both of their hands around frantically.

Diana rolled her eyes and giggled at her girlfriend’s silliness.

She then turned downwards to look at her girlfriend’s face so that she could continue explaining why they could not just break rules whenever they wished.

It only took her a moment to realize that doing so was a huge error in judgment.

Diana’s mind short-circuited when she saw Akko looking up at her with wide, almost teary puppy-dog eyes.

Diana felt her resolve quickly crumbling under the weight of the adorable look her girlfriend was sending her. She knew that if she subjected herself to this any longer, she’d succumb to the pressure.

And so she quickly closed her eyes, blocking off her sight.

Unfortunately, cutting off one sense tended to heighten the others, and when a whimper hit her ears with crystal clarity, Diana resolve very nearly broke.

For some unjustifiable reason, the sound made Diana peek open her eyes just a little bit. Perhaps she fooled herself into thinking she wanted to make sure Akko wasn’t actually crying, but they both knew Akko wouldn’t actually be crying over something like this.

She opened just a slight crevice through her eyelids, but unfortunately even that was too much.

Akko was looking up at her with those same wide red eyes… only now Akko's lower lip was jutted out, sending Diana the saddest pout she'd ever witnessed.

The sight made her heart clench, and it was all Diana could do to hold onto the slightest bit of her resolve, trying desperately to keep it together.

And then Akko’s lip quivered.

“… Fine.” Diana groaned in utter defeat, the last bits of her resolve having been crumbled, smashed into dust, and blown away by the fierce cuteness that was Akko Kagari.

Immediately, Akko’s eyes brightened up, her pout disappearing, replaced by a face splitting grin.

“Thank you thank you!” Akko cheered, bouncing off of Diana’s lap to wrap her in a tight hug. “Thank youuuuuuuuu”

Diana chuckled, resigning herself to her decision and immediately thinking of ways to coordinate the late night rendezvous.

She had already agreed to it. She may as well make the most of it.

As reluctant as she may have been when she had started planning this out with Akko the day prior, Diana could not deny she was excited for the first time she’d get to tutor Akko with another spell in months.

She was already on the field where they had met so many times before. She had just finished casting an enchantment that would pacify the frigid winter wind into a more cool evening breeze until her and Akko were finished for the night.

With nothing else left to do, Diana stood by and tried her best to contain her own elation. Her heart raced with every passing second, just waiting for the moment when Akko would jump up from the bushes and-

“Diana!”

Diana quickly turned towards the voice and was immediately tackled by her girlfriend, who had jumped at her with all of her weight.

“Akko?!” Diana yelped as she fell backwards onto the ground.

“Ehehe, sorry~” Akko giggled against Diana’s collar. “I just missed you soooo much!”

Diana melted as the pleasant tune of Akko’s happiness surrounded her. It only took a moment to wrap her arms around Akko’s waist, finally returning a hug of her own.

They may have only just seen each other earlier in the day… but that didn’t make Akko’s words any less true.

“And I missed you too,” Diana whispered softly.

Nor hers.

“Ahhhhhhh, I’m sooo excited!” Akko cheered, all but vibrating in Diana’s arms. “It’s been forever since I got to learn a spell from my favorite tutor.”

“Oh? What about Chariot?” Diana teased without missing a beat. She delighted in seeing the sudden widening of Akko’s eyes and the quick flush of Akko’s cheeks.

“… That’s different,” Akko said, quickly hiding her face in the crook of Diana’s neck. “She’s my favorite teacher.”

Diana hummed in amusement, a sound that grew into melodious laughter when she felt Akko pout against her neck.

She really did miss this.

However…

“Akko, we must begin soon,” Diana said, interrupting their moment together. “It is rather late after all.”

“Okay,” Akko said, lifting herself up until her face was inches above Diana’s. “I hope we have time for kisses though~”

“Perhaps,” Diana smiled, “but first: lessons. We must stay focused.”

Diana’s heart was soaring, and she was struggling to hide the grin that was constantly threatening to overtake her face.

After all, here she was, presented with a perfect view of one of the most adorable sights she had ever known: Akko bouncing in her seat, the silver shine of the moonlight lighting up every bounce of her hair and intensifying the bright light of Akko’s eyes. Akko’s smile was so wide, it was a wonder her cheeks were not in pain, and Diana found it hard not to watch Akko’s little nose as she moved up and down.

But as adorable as all of this was, Diana had a task to do, and she was going to perform it with the utmost perfection.

She cleared her throat and prepared to begin.

“Akko, are you ready?”

“Ready as ever!”

“Very well,” Diana said as she released her wand from the knot in her sash, “then I shall demonstrate tonight’s spell. I am sure you don’t need another lesson about how this spell works?”

“I dunnoooo” Akko drawled, “will it end the same way the last one did? Cause if it will, I don’t think a refresher could hurt~” Akko teased.

Diana’s face quickly turned scarlet, and she could just tell Akko was enjoying the way words were beginning to fail her, with only sputters escaping her lips.

Diana had to pause the lesson for a moment to gather her bearings from Akko's teasing. Considering they had literally started a minute ago, Diana realized this might be happening quite often should she not put a stop to it immediately.

Diana took a deep breath, using the time to contemplate a countermeasure.

After a moment, she managed to think of one. It was dire, and Diana was unsure she’d be able to hold herself to it.

However, she knew if they were to get anywhere tonight, it would have to be done.

“Akko,” Diana said as she exhaled her breath, “just for that transgression, you shall receive no kisses until you have adequately performed the spell.”

“W-What?!” Akko quickly jumped off from her seat on the grass, “You… You can’t just do that!”

“I can, and I just did,” Diana said, satisfied to see shock written all over Akko’s face. “Now shall I continue? Or do you wish to stall?”

“… Fine,” Akko mumbled after a long, resigned sigh. She crossed her arms and sat back down with a grumble and a pout.

… The pout made Diana realize how difficult this condition might actually be on her, but she shook it off. After all, she was Akko’s tutor.

Not only that, she had spent at least one month tutoring Akko without experiencing the sweet taste of Akko’s lips, or the soft warmth of Akko’s skin against her own lips. She was sure she could do it again.

“Very well, then I shall demonstrate the spell once more.”

Diana took a deep breath, focusing magic into the tip of her wand. It glowed a bright green, and as Diana waved it around, a trail of light followed her every movement.

“Stellaetus”

At the call of the spell, the light separated from her wand and grew into a large orb above her. The orb then exploded in a bright flash, and leaving behind a sea of stars that surrounded both witches, floating and flittering around.

As Diana’s magic danced, Akko’s arms dropped to her sides, all feelings of frustration and stubbornness melting away. Diana’s magic was beautiful, and Akko couldn’t help but marvel at its brilliance, even moreso since it had been a while since she had experienced it personally.

Each individual green spark of light moved and swayed around in a slow, rhythmic waltz, one Akko's eyes couldn’t help but follow. No matter how Akko had felt before, seeing Diana’s magic cast in such a display would always mesmerize her.

“Woooow” Akko breathed out, her eyes sparkling in the glow of Diana’s spell as her focus danced between a countless number of shimmering lights.

Diana smiled inwardly, satisfied that she had successfully brought out Akko’s child-like love for magic.

“While I don’t expect something of this level quite yet, by the end of today, I would like to see you produce something to this effect,” Diana said, hoping to similarly bear witness to the brilliance only Akko’s magic could encapsulate. However, seeing as this was Akko, Diana needed to clarify one thing, “ It is also important to note that, while my spell did conjure a large orb of light, that is wholly unnecessary. The light can directly stream from your wand.”

Though still entranced by the brilliantly shining lights surrounding her, one thing in Diana’s lecture had caught her attention.

“The large orb thing is 'unnecessary’?”

“Well… yes,” Diana answered, “Purely for show.”

Akko pondered on this for a moment, before sending Diana a cheeky grin.

For what seemed like the fifth time tonight, Diana’s face felt enflamed.

“Then why did you do it?” Akko asked innocently, as if she didn’t already know the answer. “You don’t seem like the kind of person who would do something unnecessarily.”

“Akko…” Diana chided, though it was far too weak to have any sort of lasting impact.

“Was my girlfriend showing off for me?” Akko teased, sauntering towards a flustered Diana… a flustered Diana who refused to answer… seeing as the answer was an obvious yes.

She had simply wanted to see that child-like look of awe on Akko’s adorable face. The way Akko’s face lit up was always something truly magical in and of itself.

Diana’s eyes quickly widened when she noticed the repercussions of her own train of thought.

“Oh! What’s thiiiiis?” Akko gasped in delight, crossing her eyes for a moment. “I think I see some glitter on my nose~ Does somebodyyy wanna kiss it and make them go away?”

Diana continued to feel heat rushing into her face, rising up into the tips of her ears, upon hearing Akko’s insinuation. After all… the answer was a resounding yes. And as much as it embarrassed her in these circumstances, Diana knew her first instinct would have been to walk up to Akko, cup her face, and kiss the glitter and that smirk off of her adorable, magic-covered, giggling face.

But Diana had to hold herself back. She had just restricted kisses as a reprimand of sorts against Akko’s teasing. She would not fall apart at the nearest opportunity… no matter how much she truly wanted to.

Apparently allowing her emotions to run visibly free wasn’t the wisest decision while trying to seriously teach Akko. It gave Akko far too much to tease her about so long as she was trying to be focused. And judging by the playful smile on her face, Akko was not going to stop teasing anytime soon either, which would really be an obstacle for progress, seeing how easily flustered Diana was… at least when it came to Akko.

So she did the only other logical thing.

Diana instantly ceased her spell. All the lights faded away, leaving Akko sorely disappointed.

Watching Akko visibly deflate caused Diana much grief, but it was a necessary sacrifice. A grave one, yes, but necessary.

“Dianaaaa, why did you-”

“Akko, we need to focus. And you clearly would not be able to focus whilst that spell was active.”

“That’s cause it was showing just how unfocused you were!”

“… Akko just hurry up and begin practice,” Diana deflected, “Or do you wish to delay your kisses further?”

Akko pouted but listened to her girlfriend, taking a stance with her wand.

Akko was frustrated.

Three hours later, and Akko was nowhere near where she wanted to be, both in regards to the spell and in regards to where she literally was.

In regards to the spell, it was a far cry from what Diana had managed to do. Akko could barely manage to keep the sparkles lit up for any longer than a few seconds… not to mention they always drifted downwards to the ground instead of floating around them.

That being said, there was some progress being made there. At the very least, her magic had stopped exploding in a blinding flash the second she tried to cast the spell, seeing as she had abandoned trying to mimic Diana’s earlier showing, at Diana’s request of course.

… Speaking of Diana.

Yes. Akko knew she would have to be practicing magic.

Yes, Akko knew she couldn’t hug and kiss Diana as much as she could have if she had decided to spend this time alone together cuddling.

She expected that and was okay with that. She wanted to practice magic, and she wanted Diana to be there to help her…

What she wasn’t okay with was Diana being out of arm’s reach the entire time.

It was their first time working together like this as a couple… Akko thought that maybe there could be some hugs, cuddles, and kisses in between attempts.

But then Diana made that darn condition of no kisses… and she even seemed to take it a step further.

And being so close to her girlfriend without being able to so much as hold her hand was making Akko very very frustrated.

“Stellaetus!” Akko yelled, pouring as much magic into the tip of her wand as she could.

Light flittered from its point, shimmering in the air, and for a moment Akko thought that maybe, just maybe this was it. And then she’d finally get that darn kiss she’d been waiting way too long fo-

And then the lights slowly drifted down towards the ground, dissipating into nothingness.

Akko let out a loud cry, falling backwards onto the grass. Akko pouted as she looked up to the sky, so full of stars.

Ordinarily, she’d have appreciated the view. The stars were extraordinarily bright tonight… but given her circumstances, that fact in and of itself almost made it feel like the stars themselves were taunting her.

“Akko… being frustrated only makes the spell more difficult to cast,” Diana said as she crouched beside Akko.

“But Dianaaa, that’s so complicated!” Akko groaned, lying her head down on the grass. “Trying to focus all of my happy emotions into my magic is so haaard!”

“Really?” Diana questioned, looking genuinely confused. “I personally believed it would be rather simple for you.” Diana admitted. “After all, your magic is always brimming with your excitement and energy. Like during the Samhain festival. Or your first flight. Or when we unleashed the Grand Triskelion.”

Akko sighed.

It was true. Especially considering that was the only way the Shiny Rod would really… work. That being said…

“But Diana! I wasn’t even really trying back then…” Akko bemoaned. “It just… sorta…”

“Happened?”

Akko opened her eyes to see Diana looking straight into her eyes. There were a lot of feelings she could pick out. Curiosity. Concern. Love. But beyond all that, Akko could see the glimmer of belief. A belief in her and her magic, one that had not left those eyes ever since she managed to lift her broom off the ground on their second day as tutor and tutee.

“… Yeah,” Akko said, turning away from Diana's intense gaze. “Trying to do it on purpose is really…”

“Then try not to think about it.”

“What?” Akko sat up from her spot and turned to Diana.

“Well, that may not be the easiest thing to do… I suppose telling you how to power the spell all those months ago may have been an error on my part,” Diana sighed, looking down towards the ground. “After all, it was something you always did instinctively… telling you may have caused you to overthink it.”

“… It’s fine. It was worth it anyway.” Akko muttered as she slowly leaned against Diana.

Despite the utter failure of this session, Akko couldn’t help the growing smile on her face, finally able to lean onto Diana like this.

She was nice and soft and so very warm.

“… Perhaps… we should pick this up another time?” Diana offered, her cheeks sporting the faintest blush. “It’s getting rather… late after all… and I am sure you wished to do more than just... uhm, practice magic all night.”

“Yeah, okay. That would be nice.” Akko said sleepily. Despite how wonderful it felt being able to rest on Diana again, Akko couldn’t ignore the pang in her chest. “… I’m sorry I wasn’t able to do it tonight.”

“… It is quite alright. It was my fault anyway.” Diana said, leaning her head atop Akko’s. “I will just need to think of another, more creative way to teach you this spell.” Diana chuckled when she heard Akko whine the tiniest bit. “If this helps in anyway Akko… I never once thought about focusing my emotions while performing this spell.”

“Hm? You didn’t?”

“Not at all,” Diana smiled. “Just as you said… it just sort of happened as I thought about other things and what I wanted to do with this spell.”

That piqued Akko’s curiosity.

With a grumble, Akko lazily lifted her head off of Diana’s shoulder and looked right into Diana’s shining blue eyes.

“What did you think about?”

Diana’s eyes widened.

“What do you me-”

“What were you thinking about when you cast the spell,” Akko said, suddenly moving her face closer to Diana’s, “and what did you want it to do?”

Diana bit her lip and turned away, thinking back to times she had performed the spell in earnest. The first time many years ago… and all the times she had recently cast it.

“W-Well…” Diana muttered, a subtle heat rising into her cheeks, “when I first cast the spell… I thought of my mother.”

“Your mom?” Akko asked, urging Diana to continue.

“Yes… When I first regained my ability to use magic, I knew I wanted to show my mother something spectacular, to show her that my magic had truly returned.” Diana said. “But at the time, most of those spells were far too complex and required much more magic than I was capable of utilizing… except for one.”

“The Stellaetus.”

Diana smiled.

“That is correct… so while I practiced it, I was single mindedly focused on how much I wanted to make my mother smile… and how happy my mother had always made me. From there, it just clicked.”

After listening to Diana’s short little story, Akko looked at her girlfriend in awe.

At first, Akko imagined a seven year old Diana practicing magic in secret for the sole purpose of making her mother smile and found the thought absurdly cute. But the more Akko thought about what she had just been told, the more she found herself struck speechless by how pure Diana’s motivations were… and here she was focused on casting it to get a kiss.

“And all the other times?” Akko muttered.

Diana’s face heated up further, and she quickly turned towards the ground in an attempt to hide herself.

Even after all these months, Diana was still shy about speaking about her feelings, about how much she adored being with Akko and especially about how she felt before they started dating: how absurdly obvious the things she did made her crush on Akko seem… and how oblivious the both of them were to the implications of it all.

Right down to her motivations for all the little acts of magic she had staged for Akko.

Diana took a deep breath and mumbled her answer.

“… I simply thought about how wondrous you saw magic… and how much I wished to bring that out in you myself.”

Akko’s heart skipped a beat.

Sure she always teased Diana about it, but hearing her actually admit that she did everything for the sake of essentially making her smile… Akko couldn’t even begin to put to words how happy that made her feel.

And then it hit her.

“Diana?”

“Yes Akko?

"Can I try one more time?”

Diana turned her head curiously.

“… Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Akko said, grunting as she stood up onto her feet. “But uh, this time, you mind standing… riiight in front of me?”

Diana quirked a brow, but listened to Akko. She stood up and moved right in front of Akko.

“Good, thank you.” Akko smiled up at her girlfriend.. “Now…”

With one quick motion, Akko brought her arms up and wrapped them around Diana’s waist. She then tightened her grip, pressing the both of them against each other.

“A-Akko?” Diana gasped in surprise.

Diana’s heart hammered against her chest. She could feel warmth spreading from the point on her collarbone where Akko was nuzzling her head outwards, a significant portion of it finding its way into her face.

“Shhh,” Akko whispered, still nuzzling against Diana’s chest. “Hold me toooo.”

“Ak-Akko, I… I” Diana stammered and stuttered, still thrown off by Akko’s sudden affection. “I fail to see how thi-”

“Shhh, just trust me and hold me.” Akko muttered.

Diana sighed but relented, wrapping her arms around Akko’s waist.

Akko’s smile widened.

Being right here like this with Diana, in each other’s arms, felt so soft… so warm. Akko took in a deep breath, taking in the relaxing scent of lavender, and sighed blissfully.

Hearing Diana’s story made her realize what she was doing wrong… this is what she should have been focused on. This feeling.

Being with Diana made Akko so happy, and she knew she’d likely never be able to show just how much it did.

But, maybe if Akko could show even a fraction of how happy she felt…

Akko loosened her hold around Diana’s waist, extending her wand out behind Diana.

“A-Akko?”

Akko looked up into Diana’s eyes, her lips still turned up in a soft smile.

“Stellaetus,” Akko whispered.

For a moment, nothing happened. It was just the both of them growing lost in each other’s gaze.

And then a tiny flicker of blue light came into view, floating between the both of them.

And then another.

And another, until the both of them were practically swarmed by the floating stars.

Diana looked around at the circles of light floating around them. They were all so bright, yet so gentle, and they each radiated warmth not unlike what she felt emanating from the girl wrapped in her arms.

Diana then looked down at her girlfriend, and the sight she saw filled her chest with a fuzzy warmth.

Akko was looking around with awe at the lights she had created. Her eyes were wide, and they shined brightly under the light of her own magic. The smile that was on her face widened as more shimmers and glimmers of light surrounded the both of them.

When Akko turned her attention back to Diana, she couldn’t stop the giggle that bubbled in her chest.

It only took a moment for Diana to realize what that meant. Diana crossed her eyes to confirm what she already knew.

It seemed all of the stars had been congregating around her the entire time, if the sparkles on her nose were any indication. A few more looks around herself revealed the stars had attached themselves onto more than just her nose.

Diana turned her attention back on Akko and smiled softly.

“It appears there is glitter all around me Akko.” Diana whispered.

Akko giggled.

“There’s a lot on your lips too!”

Diana chuckled and shook her head, because of course there would be.

“Is that so?” Diana said playfully.

Akko nodded excitedly.

She then looked up at Diana and gave a smile so bright, it could even put the sun to shame.

“Sooooo, do I get my reward now?”

Diana gazed softly at Akko and raised her left hand to lift Akko’s chin towards her.

“Very well,” Diana warmly said, “I suppose you have earned it.”

The way Akko giggled and bounced on the balls of her feet made Diana’s heart do flips, and she was suddenly very glad she’d finally be able to kiss her girlfriend.

Diana closed her eyes and tilted her head to the side. Then she leaned forward to press their lips together.

Even through her shut eyelids, Diana could see the light of Akko’s spell growing more and more intense as the both of them pressed closer, deepening the kiss.

And Diana most definitely deepened the kiss, and she would continue doing so until Akko wished to separate. After all, Akko had worked very hard. What kind of girlfriend would she be if she didn’t adequately reward her for a job well done?

Besides, Diana would be lying if she said she was not looking forward to this either. Just like Akko, Diana had been growing rather frustrated with the, annoyingly necessary and self-imposed, distance between the both of them. She had simply been better at hiding it.

Now, feeling Akko’s lips against her own, Diana couldn’t even fathom how she had managed to hold out the entire time. All she knew was that, had she faltered even once in that time, she would not have been able to pull away, leaving their tutoring session entirely forgotten. The warmth and love she felt blooming in her chest as they continued to press against each other were far too comforting, the jolt of electricity that coursed through her veins with each touch of Akko’s lips too addicting. Diana found it difficult to think of anything else.

Akko was having similar thoughts, or lack thereof, to be more accurate. From the moment she felt Diana’s impossibly soft lips touch hers, Akko had been single-mindedly determined to drink in as much of it as she could. Though she had forgotten it for a bit as she cast the Stellaetus spell, she had waited hours for a chance to kiss her girlfriend, and now that she had that chance, she was going to get as much as Diana was willing to give, resolving to only separate once Diana chose to.

Spurred on by the pleasant feelings of warmth and love both girls felt, coupled with their determination to keep going until the other was ready to stop, Diana and Akko continued to deepen the kiss, not even taking a moment’s breath if it meant separating.

They slowly began to feel lightheaded, but they both ignored it, still pressing forward to lose themselves in this kiss. Even when their lungs began to burn, they both just shut their eyes tight to try and bear it to keep themselves connected.

It was only when their lungs absolutely demanded air that they finally did separate, their chests heaving as they gasped for air.

Their faces were flushed, and their hearts were beating wildly against their ribs. Looking at each other, their eyes found themselves still drawn to the other’s lips, their own lips still tingling with the sensations of the previous kiss, and they both knew that even that earlier kiss had not been enough.

Yet despite that, a mischievous glint still found itself in Akko’s darkened irises.

“Hey… Hey Diana?” Akko panted out through staggered breaths.

“Yes, Yes Akko?” Diana shakily said as she tried to catch her breath.

“That, That was a really stupid plan,” Akko said through a strained giggle.

Diana turned her head in confusion, her mind still rather addled by their kiss.

“I’m just saying,” Akko continued, her lips curling up into an impish smirk, “if you just let me have my hugs and kisses earlier, I probably would have gotten the hang of the spell quicker.”

It took a moment for Diana to register that Akko was teasing her, and when she did, she had to fight to not roll her eyes. Ordinarily, she’d make some retort in her defense, perhaps citing how ridiculously quickly they found themselves lost in their kiss earlier, but said kiss dulled her thoughts enough that a proper retort was difficult to conjure up.

Unable to be bothered to think up a coherent response, Diana decided she would simply allow Akko’s claim to go unchallenged. Besides, despite how sure she was that, had she allowed herself Akko’s kisses earlier, the entire tutoring session would have been long forgotten, there was some credence in the claim, considering how quickly Akko had managed to successfully cast the spell once they were together.

Still, she couldn’t just ignore the fact that Akko was already teasing her. After all, if Akko had somehow already gathered the energy and breath to tease her…

“Akko?”

“Yeah Diana?”

Diana simply cupped Akko’s cheeks and smiled.

“Be quiet.”

All Akko could do was giggle, her lips switching from a smirk to a happy grin as Diana re-captured them with her own.

#Dianakko #Diakko #Akko Kagari #Diana Cavendish #LWA #Little Witch Academia #Me Writing

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sebbytrash · 7 years

Text

желание - The End

Longing: A yielding desire

Pairing - Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings - Swear words. I’m Scottish, I can’t help it. A little angst, I’m sorry. Some kissing. Bucky needs a hug. Everybody needs a hug.

A/N: REPOSTING BECAUSE OF BLOG MOVE

желание Masterlist

Bucky’s date.

The phrase plays like a broken record, orbiting around your brain, waving it’s neon sign and tapping impatiently against your skull.

You fumble your way through dinner with Sam and Steve, fake smiles and slow blinks until you can escape to your room but even then, that doesn't help at all. He’s everywhere, the soft lingering scent of him on your sheets, the grey t-shirt you’d borrowed but never actually returned balled up on your bed from where you’d worn it last night, the knife sheath on your side table that contains his favorite knife, that phrase always making you smile despite yourself because of course he has a favorite knife.

Logically, you know there’s a bountiful of reasons to explain Julia and most of them don’t contain the word date, but it’s there now, demanding attention until you’ve got them shacked up together and happy, 2.5 kiddies and leaving you in the dust.

He always was really great at kissing, wasn’t he? Should a man who’s gone without a girl for damn near a lifetime be able to liquify your bones with his lips? A few years, yeah maybe it would easy to get back on that bike but 70? Shit. The nagging little voice that you buried a long time ago creeps in, whispers that maybe you're not good enough, maybe you're not enough to keep him. The voice birthed by teenage girls and high school rearing its ugly head in such a vehement fashion that you can’t help but listen.

Now your pacing the room, burning holes in the carpet with your furious shuffling and mapping out your options in your head. He’ll come back here, you’d made those plans already when he’d avoided dinner with you for- yeah...so, it’s just a matter of if you’ll be here when he does. You could confront him, straight out ask him who Julia is but that feels a little too bunny-boiler-esque since you’d never given yourself a label and neither had he. And maybe, just maybe you were a smidge terrified of what he would say. Denial, denial.

A thought pushes its way to the front, the one you’d been nervously skirting around and you finally give in. Feeling like a complete skeeve, you ask, “F.R.I.D.A.Y. who is Bucky’s friend, Julia?”

“Mr Barnes has flagged that as classified.” She answers, somehow conveying just how much the system is judging you for even asking.

Your stomach was already half sunk, F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s confirmation providing the final anchor that pits it to your toes. Seconding guessing now, you think over the weeks you’ve spent together, the touches, the looks, every second over analyzed now like you’ve tried not to do before. Did the tilt of his face mean more? Did the tightening of his mouth say more than words? Hopeless. And hopelessly hoping for more.

Sleep evades, taunts you from the dark corners it’s hiding in, a nervous energy keeps your fingers twitching and tugging till you unhemmed the sleeves of your top and secured it’s place in the ruined-but-still-comfortable-so-PJ’s pile of clothes that’s always growing. Grabbing you gym bag from the corner, you head off to the gym to train some of the excess energy off and maybe, just maybe, come up with an idea on how to handle this whole mess.

Thwack, thwack, thump. You keep a steady rhythm, jab, jab, cross. Sweat drips off you, soaking through the support top, slipping over the skin on your stomach and into the band of your shorts. It fuels you, the physical evidence of the effort provides some satisfaction to counteract the aching muscles and bloody knuckles your now sporting. You lost minutes to hours long ago, and somehow you were no further forward. Still lost to the thoughts, still unsure on how to proceed but mostly because the logical side of your brain was being constantly silenced by your denial. Hopeless.

“What did that bag ever do to you?” You flinch at the sound of his voice, catch yourself before you show it and search the room till you find him, tilted against wall, still enough to suggest he’s been there a while.

You grunt, not nothing but not an answer and continue, seeing him, knowing where he’s been, provides you with a renewed energy and your fists hit with a little more force. Each hit sounding off the walls and back at you. The hair on your neck stands to attention under his gaze, his eyes seeing too much and somehow not enough.

“You okay?” He asks, taking a few tentative steps towards you, wearing the smile, your smile, like he wasn’t out offering the same smile to other faces.

It pushes you over the edge and Logical Brain wakes up, rattles around in the space and gives you something to use, “I...no. I don’t think I can do this.” The words drag out of you, shoved by the need to say it but stalled by the hope to want.

“Do what?” He asks it but he knows, you can tell he knows and is making you say it.

You strip the wraps off your knuckles, wincing at the sight of the torn, bloody skin, “This…” you say, gesture between you, “Whatever this is.” Everything, you think, it’s everything.

He nods, like he knew, nods and then tilts his head down, the angle shielding his face from you, drawing all the breath from your lungs at how final it suddenly seems. He says nothing for minute, then two, you imagine him mildly disappointed his booty call has grown a backbone or perhaps even relieved when he speaks, “I uh- I thought we were- I thought this was working?”

There’s something about his tone, the way he says it, the hope the flares makes you angry, “Shit, Bucky. So did I.” He hears it, the infliction, the accusation in the last bit, finally hears what you're not saying. You turn your back to him, make your way to the bag and use the water bottle to rinse your hands off.

“Wait, Y/N. What’s this really about?” He steps closer to you.

“I’m just…” You chew your words, thinking on how to explain that doesn’t remove every ounce of pride you have left, “I’m all in, okay? And you’re not.”

“I’m not?” His forehead creases, another step towards you and it’s too much.

“No, you’re not!. You have a Julia and I only had you.” You voice climbs higher with each word, more heat than you intended but it serves it’s purpose. You see it, see when it all clicks in his head, watch him sort through his thoughts till finds his place, looks you right in the eye and fucking smiles. Bastard.

“Shit, doll, you had me worried.” He laughs like it’s no big deal, takes another few steps till he’s there, within touching distance, “Julia is not...that.”

You roll your eyes at the non-explanation, turn your head from him and he reaches for you, tilts your head back to him, fingers gripping firm enough to keep you and not hurt you, “She’s my therapist, doll. That’s it.”

“Oh.” You blink up at him, slow blinks since all your brain power is hung up on therapist and the possibilities and then the guilt. The guilt that you let your version of him be derailed by gossip and insecurities, sorting through the possibility that you’d just placed a needless burden and significant spotlight on the less defined portion of the relationship. “I’m sor-”

A thumb over your mouth quickly halts the apology, Bucky shakes his head slightly, “No. I am. I know that I’m… I’m no good with words but if you honestly felt like there could be anyone other than you, well now, that’s on me, doll.” His fingers slip up your jaw, thumb dances along your cheek and the room sort of melts, the tension slides out of you, the relief of it all almost brings you to your knees. Your body moves on it owns, pushing forward till your pressed against him and his fingers have disappeared into your hairline, your lips land against his in a bruising sort of kiss, hungry and hopeful, both of you so filled up with relief and wanting that it hurts. When you break you realise you gripping his shirt tight, white-knuckled, pulling him as close as he can be and he’s doing the same.

It’s bugging you though, that he even mentioned it, “You never told me…” you say, half whisper against his lips, still gripping him tight and close.

He nods, face forms regret, “The stuff in here,” he pulls your hand over his heart and taps, “It ain’t easy listening.” He kisses you again, like he can’t help it, like even he’s surprised by it, “I didn’t wanna put that on you.” There he is, your Bucky, all pride and pain and protect. If you could take his pain for him, you would, but you’d have to settle on a shoulder each.

“Bucky…” You say, look him right in the eye, show him the extent of it all, “I’m all in.” Thick with feeling, and he knows.

“I’m all in too, Y/N.” He say’s right back, and you know.

This time, when he kisses you, you’re ready for it but you’re not. It’s a new kiss, a kiss that reaches deep into your bones, deep into the marrow and solidifies. It’s needy, and full, and permanent- edging on something more. The whole room turns into the feeling, your brain turns to mush and your body is floating, literally floating- the world tilting and wait-

“How did you find out? About Julia?, I mean.” He asks, breathy and low, giving you the opportunity to realise you are in his arms and half way up the stairs.

“Uh- oh, Sam told me. Said you were on a date.” You throw him a wry smile.

“Of course it was that pigeon motherfucker. Always causing problems.” He says it so seriously you can’t help but laugh, tuck your forehead against his neck and just laugh. When you're done you don’t move, stay tucked in tight as Bucky takes you wherever he’s taking you and feel your heart do a dip when he kisses the top of your head.

Later, when you're in bed and he’s tucked up behind you, arm slung over you with fingers mapping tight circles on your skin, he nuzzles into your neck and hair, still wet from your shared shower, “Do you want to come with me next week, to Julia? She said I should bring you.”

“I’d like that.” You turn to face him, slide your hand up till you cupping his face and press a small kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He looks at you with that look, the one you finally understand and nudges his nose against you, “All in?”

You nod, “All in.”

#желание #longing series #kale writes #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader

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qanoor · 7 years

Text

i suppose it is ironic and apt that i am listening to a peppy pop song called “not over you” by tessa violet right now.

i woke up around 12.30 & stuffed my face with food i shouldn’t eat & talked to sophie a little & then went back to sleep because that is my method of coping with my anxiety and depression & it doesn’t work but what else can you do. i told sophie about what was going on with sam & i wanted her to say don’t worry, we’ll figure it out so you can live with me and ginny and tavi and miel. (or some combination thereof.) instead she said she was glad that she was moving if it was going to be so precarious whether sam and i keep living together, too. then she asked me, following our conversation/difficulty/post-breakdown anxiety last night, if it would be okay if ginny came over to help her with cleaning her room -- she’d check in on me, it wouldn’t be too long, etc. i said yes i didn’t want it to be rigid, of course it’s okay if ginny stops by briefly too. last night i was trying to ask, trying to ask if it would be okay if ginny didn’t come over really for a bit, at least until we tried to figure stuff out more. how do i say i don’t even know why i’m so hurt but i am. how do i say i fucked up and i’m embarrassed that she witnessed me screaming and yelling at you and saying all those angry things about her and she would never lose her cool like that around me and so i have this vulnerability, this mistake, this roughness, and i am so tired of having to apologize over and over but what else is there to do.

i woke up again around 5.50 to a beetle crawling/flying its way across my armpit. i brushed it aside and i wanted to die. i stuffed my face more with those corn puffs i shouldn’t eat & i couldn’t stop until i finished what was left in the bag & i knew it was bad & i read the comments on my facebook post about vegan/vegetarian options for the low fodmaps diet & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i couldn’t stop stuffing my face & i couldn’t stop & if you really wanted to stop if you really were disciplined if you were anything but this fucked up useless mess you *would* be able to do it you’re just lazy you’re just always sabotaging your health you call it “mild-moderate bingeing and compulsive overeating” but really it’s your complete lack of control because you’re such a useless shitty person and you never try hard enough.

i managed to go to the toilet and i managed to put on a shirt and underwear and pyjama shorts & sophie came out of her room when i was dumping her frozen vegetables that she’d (mistakenly?) left out into the chest freezer, and she was very happy about the new lice shampoo she was trying (she and ginny have been fighting off a strange case of lice for months now, with varying levels of non-success... strangely enough i haven’t got lice yet and maybe i should be more worried about getting it, certainly it would be more consistent with my ocd to be more worried about it, but anyway) because it’s some “natural” thing or something and it smells so much better & she kissed me and i made sure it was close-mouthed because i hadn’t brushed my teeth & it probably would’ve been anyway & she did that silly gasp thing that i love so much &

i was planning to go visit sam in his room after i poured myself the last of the melon juice and mixed it with my fiber supplement (i’m only taking it once a day instead of 3 times like it says because i think i jumped in too fast initially and it might’ve fucked with the absorption of my psych meds, which could also have been a factor in my awful meltdown the other day) but when i actually went over he was gone & i asked anya if he’d left & she said she thought so, maybe, & i felt so horrible and empty & i came back here to my room & i called him & he’s having dinner at his father’s house & he said he’d be back in 2 or 2.5 hours & i asked him how he was doing & he said very shitty & i said i can imagine & i asked him if we could talk when he got back & he said maybe, depends on if i’m doing anything else tonight, i’ll let you know

last night it scared the shit out of me that when i keep asking for reassurance from sophie it seems to trigger her, especially in this context, in the wake of a meltdown, into doubting her entire sense of judgment, into wondering if i am doing something wrong after all when i keep asking if i am over and over, or even just more than once at all, and i know -- i know she can’t deal with my need for reassurance, i know, but -- and i said i think this is a textbook response of how abuse survivors/victims doubt themselves & i don’t know what to do with this & also it’s different everything is different & also similar, it’s always like this, nothing is ever textbook and nothing is ever “just abuse” or whatever you want to call it -- there is so much grief and mourning and history between us & it’s hard & i see her being unable to think express answer breaking down in her own withdrawal or constant distraction or -- i don’t know how to describe these things. i don’t know how to describe the feeling of lying on my bed trying to cry silently this time, am i always seeking attention when i cry loudly?, i don’t know how to describe this feeling of things with her always being my easiest reason to cry, how hard it is to cry otherwise. i don’t know how to describe the way it seeps out every last molecule of energy from my body & i’m out for a day & then i try not to be & then i am again & i see how much it hurts us both, this history, this mourning, this retraumatization, this reenactment, every time i have another screaming/yelling fit about something it’s.... and i feel the need to clarify, always, no i didn’t scream/yell again last night, but it was still related to the other night, and why this endless need to clarify, to ascertain, to document.... am i just always trying to prove some kind of innocence, or some kind of “at least” or “it wasn’t as bad as” or something? maybe everything was already premade to be as bad. no, not that. it’s not that either.

last night sam said he didn’t want to delve into what he was feeling/thinking about us but i couldn’t leave well enough alone and he said he just didn’t want to pile on if i was really tired & i said no it makes me more anxious to not know & so. & so we got into it again & this time we really did decide, or i helped him decide?, or something. that we should really just call ourselves platonic friends. & this was. he didn’t want to let go of this hope he keeps having that it’ll be something more, that i’ll be more romantically/sexually available and interested, that there’s something still to hope for. & letting go of all this hope is so devastating for him.

there’s things that are hard to document, and i wanted to document them as they were happening, but it’s also so maudlin. i said but i’m here for you and he said but not the way i want you to be. and i try to understand i try to understand, god knows i’ve been through this too, was this what i did to amira? & later much later i realized what a beautiful friendship i had destroyed in some sense forever. & i don’t know i don’t know. but i can’t feel the things for him that he feels for me. & he said you don’t know what it feels like, to be so utterly rejected by someone you have such a passion for. & i said but i haven’t completely rejected you! but when did i become this person? i should not have defended myself thusly. i have -- i have -- rejected him so utterly. this has been true for so long. this has been true for years. this has been true since i wrote the jaded poem the night after i first slept with him in summer 2013. this has been true! why do i keep lying to him and to myself?

i keep wanting to be this girl, like sylvia plath, who eats men like air.

but it’s dreadfully lonely & it’s not the best relationship model. maybe it’s a better business model, but i never wanted to seal the imprint of a body on a dollar bill.

see, he said but i’m a bad friend and i thought about how miel and i had talked about how he seems to be so much more friendly, at least sooner so, with people he’s attracted to. like how he friended evyn on facebook right away but took so long to friend miel. or how he constantly falls for all these queer people who won’t have him and keeps trying and hoping anyway. or how he said he wished he’d talked to lea on okcupid all that time ago even though lea’s really a lesbian. & i thought about the violence that exists in desire. today, sophie said that she can understand that, though -- the only really wanting to consistently connect with people who you also have some kind of romantic/sexual/complicated feelings for, that she’s like that too. this frustrated me & she said she doesn’t really communicate with people who are “just friends” either, & this frustrated me. like i get it but also i think i have learned through years, perhaps years of also doing similar things, that there has to be value in platonic friendships too, and even if everything is fluid there has to be some sort of recognition.... & yes sophie does get that too, and i guess sam does as well, but it’s... it’s... i don’t know.

what he said was that he wasn’t sure how things would be if he got with someone else (and especially monogamously) and if i moved away & if we didn’t live together & if... & i asked him if he felt like he couldn’t live with me anymore if things were “just” platonic & it was complicated because he both said yeah that would be too hard but he also said he wanted to live with me too when i said i wanted to keep living with him. he was just scared that we wouldn’t be forever anymore

this is where it gets so muddy and awful. i don’t really want to live with him. i haven’t wanted to keep living with him in a long time. i never really wanted to start living with him that much, either. we’ve carved out some sort of patchwork semi-halfhearted domesticity and some kind of comfort, some kind of sustainability. but so much of this, for me, has been more about practicality and giving in to something i don’t really feel much agency in...

& so i’m awful. & so i think about -- if he moves out, who will i find to live in his room? would miel even be interested? this apartment is so small and has a tendency to become cramped, but i suppose that is moreso because currently the living room is partitioned off into sophie’s room. & what about -- laundry, that is, the lack thereof in this building, and how it really does require a car when the laundromat is 10-15 minutes away walking.

& so i think about -- it’s been such a help to get rides from him -- not just for laundry but also for groceries and other things. & i don’t have a car (and neither does miel). & i can’t just live with someone i don’t trust.

so then there’s -- what if i moved out instead? the moving plans have all combusted spectacularly. i really was hoping for the place that sophie, ginny, sam, me and tavi (and originally miel as well, but that’s a long story) applied for but didn’t get. and now there’s -- which occasioned the terrible meltdown about ginny and other things -- the plan for sophie & ginny to move in with that fucking white straight couple to a different place, and if the white straight couple backs out (which sophie is hoping for) then maybe tavi and a friend could join. (i am bitter that sophie doesn’t even think this is a possibility for me anymore, it seems.)

anyway, i am really afraid. i am also really afraid that even if sam and i do continue living here together, like it was seeming to be, that he won’t -- i don’t know, that he’ll be a lot less giving now that we’re not even makeshift partners anymore. that maybe he just won’t value me as a friend, that he can’t. that if he gets into a monogamous relationship that that person won’t be okay with him living with his ex. that it really will come down to -- i’m no longer worthy now that there’s not even the vague hope of sex again. & i feel so dirty and wrong and awful. and i feel so angry. and it’s easy to confer the dirtiness and wrongness onto him.

maybe i am just afraid that i won’t be able to use him anymore. this is such a typical “woman’s role” or whatever. i am a stereotype but maybe there is nothing else to be. so much misogyny in the very syllable of being, internalized or otherwise. it’s so complicated. depending on a guy who has more money (albeit not that much more), who has a car.

& to look for a new place -- maybe with miel, maybe with someone else (who???) too? i’m so scared. & it’s so hard, with my being on disability & miel’s complicated low-income status (albeit they can probably have their mom as a guarantor on their part of a lease, like they currently have -- i don’t really have this possibility as my parents are in india and that’s very complicated), to even find a place that will accept the precarity of our incomes. i want to be looking for part-time work but that might not do much good either, and it’s the constant -- if i earn “too much” i don’t get disability anymore, but if i stay on disability that’s fucking miserable too.

i wish it felt like i could get out of the trap i’m in. but maybe i am just always painting myself as the victim and actually i am manipulative, like ginny says, just trapping everyone else in my elaborate web of constraints, instead.

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