"I get dizzy and sleepy when I'm under the sun for too long... It's a similar feeling to pulling an all-nighter on a work project." -Kaveh

Hello to all :)

Its time to continue the story. I’ll post 2 parts today, since next one is a bit short, but the second one a bit longer, so bear with me :D

Anyway, wish you all a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 5

The sun was shyly peeking through clouds when i woke up. I felt a bit woozy,  the events of last night coming back to me. My stomach ached, tears forming in my eyes as the image of Jake leaving flashed before my eyes. „Good morning, hun.“ It was Doris, worry still written all over her face. „You gave me quite a scare last night. Are you allright,hun?“ she asked. „Yeha, I will be, thanks Doris.“ I said, whiping those tears away. „Oh, dont you worry, hun, he'll come arround.“ She smiled, and winked at me. „Sorry?“ i said. „The guy that was here yeserday. A girl can only cry like that because of something like it.“ She said, gazing at the wall, like remembering something similar herself. I gave her the best forced smile i could make „I hope your right, Doris, i really do.“ „Oh, trust me, hun. I can bet you he will.“ She smiled at me so warmly, gave me my breakfast, and left me to to it. I didnt really have much of an apetite, but i forced myself to eat, and i drank some tea. I took my phone, texting Jessy, asking if she might come arround today. She replied quickly that she's actualy on her way here already, and i was glad for it. I could really use her company right now.  It wasnt long till her cheerful voice echoed through my room „Hey, hey, miss Reckless“ she teased. „I bring coffee and icecream.“ She waved the bags at me, but imediatly stoped seeing my face. „Oh, Maya, what happened?“ she asked, her face taking on the sadden look. That sadness came back to me, and i started crying. Jessy left the bags on the chair, quickly sitting next to me, hugging me tightly. „Let me guess“ she sarted „He texted you, didnt he?“ I shook my head, wich made her ask again. „He called?“ Again, i shook my head. She pulled away from me, a bit of curiosity on her face. „He was here?!?“ I finaly nooded. „Nice.“ She said, and i looked at her a bit confused, saying through tears „Nice? Jessy, i would not cry like a little bitch if it was nice!“. „Oh, shush, you silly, and listen!“ she stared, taking a hankerchief from the stand, handing it to me. „You said it yourself, its gonna be a tough conversation. And lets be honest, he has EVERY right to be pissed at you.“ I growled at her, but she shushed me and continued. „Wait, wait, im not done. He probably heard all the information from Lily about what happened, and im sure he 'interrogated' her for every little detail. She definatly didnt sugarcoat any of it, so he got the good picture.“ That word 'interogated' got me smiling a bit, i could totaly picture Jake naging Lily to tell him every little bit of events that happened. „Ok, you following me. So tell me this then: if he already knew all that happened, and if he knew how you wer doing, would he come here himself, if he was that much pissed? Or if he doesnt care anymore?“ she asked, looking at me, with a cheerfull grin on her face. She got me some hope back with her words, but it quckly got replaced with despair again. „But you should have seen him, Jessy. He looked so dissapointed and betrayed by me...like i drowned that little spark of hope he had in him. I dont think he will ever want to see me again, let alone talk to me.“ She looked at me smiling. „Dont worry, Maya, im sure you're wrong about it, if i can judge by other men.“ „You and Doris both.“ I said, mumling it more to myself then to her. Jessy didnt seem to notice. „Give him some time to cool off. Maybe then you two can talk again about everything..without all this drama.“ She nudged at me, getting up and grabing one of the bags from the chair. „This needs some serious icecream overdose, like right now! „Thanks, Jessy..for being here for me.“ I said, as she handed me the spoon. „No need to thank me. You know i'm here for you, Maya, for anything.“ „I know, Jessy, right back at ya'.“ We ate some icecream in silence for a while, and i could see on Jessy's face that there was something that occupied her toughts. I poked her leg with my finger, wich made her look at me. „Whats on your mind, Jessy? I can see something is bothering you.“ i asked. She hesitated for a moment, before saying „Are you really sure you want to know?“  That got me a bit confused „Ofcourse, Jessy, you know you can talk to me about anything.“  She looked through the window, wich was now full of rain drops, and her face took on the same gloomy features as the weather outside. „They burried him yesterday.“ She said finaly, and i didnt have to ask who she refered to. „Oh..i see.“ I didnt know what more to say. „Thats why i didnt come yesterday.“ She continued. „I dont know why, but i wanted to go. I guess i wanted to be sure it was really over, you know?“ she said, her eyes getting a bit sad. „I cant belive what i'm about to say, but it was sad. Seing his dad like that, alone.“ She turned her gaze back to the window. „Jessy..its all right. Its understandable you have mixed feelings about it.“ I said. „Is it?“ she asked, turning back to me. „Isnt it crazy to care for someone, even tho he caused us so much pain, and almost ruined our lives? After all thats happened?“ now her eyes wer full of tears. I got out of bed, crouching next to her, taking her by the hand „Your not crazy, Jessy. You wer friends for so long, all of you. You all shared so much together, I saw how close all of you wer. And for that bond to be cut so suddenly and cruely..Especialy for you, since you two wer the closest...No, Jessy, its not crazy you feel this way.“ I hoped my words would make some sense to her. I could see it really bothered her so much. „Maybe you shoul talk to others about it.“ I advised. She looked at me, a bit sceptical, but i continued. „Hey, dont dismiss it so fast. And beside, eventually you guys will have to discuss those events.“  „Later sounds better to me.“ She replied, some of her cheerfullness coming back. „Whenever you guys feel up to it.“ I told her, getting up and sitting back on the bed. She got up, went to the bathroom, and when she came back she looked at me „We have to stop crying everytime im here, its almost all we ever do.!“ She grinned, and i returned her a grin of my own. „Well, lets make a pact then, shall we? From now on no more crying! Agreed?“ i asked, extendig my hand towards her, wich she took instantly, laughing „Agreed!“ She stayed with me for a while more. At some point a doctor came in informing me that if all would look ok, next week i could get discharged from hospital. That made Jessy even more happier, since she couldnt wait for me to get out of here. „Oh, dont get so excited just jet“ i grined at her, and she looked puzzled at me. „Dan cant wait it also, he said you forbid him from drinking, but when i get out you wont be able to say no to him!“ „Ohh, that hooligan! He will hear from me about that!“ she said fierce, but couldnt hide the smile. „Go easy on him, i think we all deserve one 'crazy night out', considering all.“ I told her,and she agreed, but added „Just not too crazy, please! Dan thinks he can sing when drunk, and unfortunatly we can barely keep him away from the karaoke machine at Aurora.“ „Ahh, you shouldn't have told me this, now you have to let Dan loose, i have to hear that amazing vocie of his!“ We both laughed at it. Doris entered the room „Oh, its nice to see you laugh, hun, thats the best medicine there is.“ She siad, winking at me. „Sure is, Doris.“ I said, winking back.

Jaskier x Fem!Reader pt.4

PART ONE

PART TWO

PART THREE

This is second to last part, meaning part 5 will be the last (will post it later today!) as I dont want to drag it out any longer than it needs to be, and I am quite happy with how it’s winding down now. I also just wanted to thank you all for being so lovely and supporting my writing, it means so much to me, and I cant wait to post more!

Requests are open  [Not just for Jaskier, I can do any of the Witcher characters, as well as some of other fandoms, feel free to ask me if you want something else; nothing is off limits, apart from smut!]

Warnings: Swearing, arguing.

Word Count: 2,191

The night came, and as Jaskier cuddled his lute, I stared out into the night sky. We were so close to the dragon, tomorrow we will face the beast.

Borch, Vea and Tea cross my mind, as I feel a sting of guilt wrap around me. I didn’t even try to chat with them, and the old man tried to be kind to me. He told me I already have bard’s heart. I guess he was right. I wish I could thank him. I sit next to sleeping Jaskier, running my hand through his hair – he grunts in his sleep. I cant help but smile, settling for a night near him.

I am woken up when Jaskier shakes me. My eyes shoot open and for a second I am blinded by the daylight. He’s stuttering something but I can’t quite understand what, so I just jump on my feet, to see an empty camp. Everyone left. Without us.

Great.

We rush down the mountain, going around seemingly frozen in place dwarves, but by the time we reach the cave, it seems pretty clear the fight is already over. And I see Borch, a long with his warrior companions. What happened here?

“You’re alive.” Jaskier voices my thoughts, gasping at the old man and the girls. He offers us both a kind smile, but not an explanation.

“I am so glad you are okay.” I say, feeling like weight has just been lifted off my chest.

“I am glad you stopped worrying.” Borch winks at me, making me blush. Jaskier doesn’t seem to notice as he’s already pulled out his little note pad, and is grilling Vea and Tea about all the details.

“Thank you for that.” I say, genuinely meaning it.

Borch nods, walking towards Geralt and Yennefer, who are standing near a cliff edge, conversing, from what I can tell. I leave bard alone too, peaking in a cave, to see a beautiful green dragon next to a gold egg. My heart beats faster, as I stare at the beast.

It’s absolutely beautiful.

I am, however, taken back, when I hear Yennefer angry yell, I look back just in time to see her rush off. I never seen Geralt look angrier, as Jaskier tries to tell him something. I am too far away from them to hear, but when Witcher yells, I hear every single word.

“Dammit Jaskier! Why is it that whenever I find myself in a pile of shit it’s always you! Shoveling it.” I begin approaching the Witcher, not sure what my plan is. “The Child Surprise, The Djin, all of it. If life could give me one blessing it would be to take you off my hands.”

I am still too far away to hear what Jaskier says, but I can see his pain from here, as he walks away, shaking ever so slightly. I rush to Witcher now.

“Have you lost your shit, Geralt?” I hiss at him, but he ignores me. “That was uncalled for, you idiot!”

“Oh fuck off.” He glares at me now as I cross my arms.

“No, fuck you, Geralt. Jaskier has been your friend through all the shit you gotten yourself into.” I begin to shake now. “And that’s how you repay him? Hurting his feelings, blaming it all on him. Take a look in the mirror if you are looking for a scapegoat.”

“Listen, Y/N, I am not in a mood for any of your stupid lectures.” He takes a step towards me, and for the first time I am genuinely scared of him. “I don’t need another person shitting on my life. Go to your bard and leave me alone.”

“Right.” I take a step back, trying to hide my hurt. “Well, I wish you well, Witcher.”

My voice breaks at the end, as I twist on my heel, rushing off. I see Borch trying to approach me, but I put my hand up, letting him now that now I am not in a mood for any of it. I look for Jaskier, to see him nearing a cliff edge.

I rush to him.

“Jaskier.” My voice is still shaky, but I try to hide it. For him. “Jaskier, look at me.”

“Y/N.” He glances at me, and I see him rip out a piece of paper from his journal, however before he can throw it, I grab his hands.

“Don’t.” I say softly, managing to control my voice. Jaskier looks at our hands. “Write it. Sing it.”

I see a hint of surprise in his eyes. Maybe he didn’t think I knew what he was trying to do, but I could tell he was hurt. He didn’t want to write this song, as it would forever bring sour memories of Geralt snapping at him.

But I knew this ballad would be one of the best. I knew he needs to cling to it, cling to the slain dragon. I know that in a long run, it will bring him more joy than pain.

He sighs, putting the paper in his journal, safely closing it. His gaze is still on the horizon. I don’t know how to comfort him. I shoot a glance to see that Witcher has already began his leave too – I cant see him.

“Let’s go back. You have a story to tell.” I say, forcing a cheerful voice, but Jaskier isn’t buying it.

“I heard what he said to you.” He says as we begin to walk.

“Yeah, well. It doesn’t matter.” I say, bravely. I steal a glance at the bard, he looks heartbroken. “I heard what he said to you. Part of me wanted to push him off the damn cliff, part of me knows that no matter what he says, you will always care about him. A lot.”

“Someone has to.” Jaskier’s voice is hushed, quiet. I almost don’t catch his words.

“I don’t think he meant what he said about you, Jaskier.” I sigh. “He’s simply scared, looking for someone to blame for his own mess ups.”

“Maybe he’s right.” His tone breaks my heart, and I cant bear to look at him. “Maybe I am just bad luck.”

“The great bard Jaskier could never be bad luck.” I argue, still not being able to look at him. “And bad things tend to happen to good people. It’s just the way life works. It’s a big pile of not fair shit.”

“You really think so?” I now glance at him, smiling. Our eyes meet and he in return, offers a small grin.

“How many times have you seen bad shit happen to bad people?” I ask, but before he can answer, I continue. “Point being, you and Geralt are both good. So of course bad shit happens. And sometimes, it’s just destiny. And we all know that you can’t run from destiny, even if Geralt tries to.”

“But he really wants me out of his life.” I scoff to that.

“We all want you out of our lives from time to time, you’re a bard Jaskier.” He giggles and I feel like I could cry. “Your job is to be annoying. It was just a bad moment of tension, and he voiced that passing thought. He didn’t mean it, I am sure of it. I bet he already misses your singing.”

“Toss a coin to your Witcher,” he begins as I frown, gently nudging him.

“I still hate this song, Jaskier.” He gives me a genuine smile, taking my arm in his.

“Just so you know, Y/N, Geralt didn’t mean what he said to you either.” Jaskier sighs as I hang my head low, barely being able to hold back my emotions. “He loves you as much as Witcher is capable of loving someone. As a little sister, of course.”

“He’ll come around.” I cant hide my voice shaking anymore, and in response, bard squeezes my arm. “We will have to be patient and wait.”

“I guess I will write that song. And sing it.” He offers me a smirk, and I blink my tears away. “And when Geralt hears it, he will rush back to us.”

“Probably to punch you.” I tease, and Jaskier laughs.

“Yes, probably that.” He agrees.

Although our steps feel lighter, the sadness still lingers. We can only make each other feel so much better. I may believe his words, and he may believe mine, but Witchers anrgy voice still echoes in my head. And I bet he is not able to get it out either.

At least we have each other, to cling to, as a beam of hope. Something physical to hold when pain is too much.

I hate to admit it, but I did begin to care about Geralt a lot too. He tried to be and look mean but he always truly cared about us. We were nearing Roach levels of care, and that’s a big accomplishment. I did wonder what happened to make him snap like that.

I remember Yennefer rushing away from him. She also looked hurt. Angry. Mighty Witcher is having a bad day.

“I hope Geralt’s okay.” I voice my concerns, and Jaskier hms in agreement. “There seemed to be a quarrel between him and Yennefer too.”

“There was.” Bard sighs, as we continue up the hill. “He seems to went on a streak, seeing how many people he can hurt in ten minutes.”

“I’m sorry he hurt you.” Jaskier giggles, but it doesn’t feel genuine. I can still hear sadness ring in it.

“We bards thrive on pain. It’s our creative muse.” He winks at me. “Right after you, of course.”

“Finding beauty even in the ugliest things.” Jaskier chuckles.

“Nothing is ugly, if you look at it right.” I agree with that, to an extent. No matter how I looked at Geralt’s words, they were still ugly.

It took us three days to reach Sky. Three days of quietness. I was worried about Jaskier, he hasn’t picked up his lute even since the dragon. I tried to bring any attention to it, clinging to his arm, in case he falls through an invisible trap.

I am not surprised to not see Roach, however still sad. I miss the horse as much as I miss Geralt. I go hug Sky, my black stallion who happily neighs when he sees me.

“I missed you, buddy.” I hiss his cheek. “Did Roach keep you good company?”

“Imagine if one day, he actually responded.” Jaskier jokes, and I giggle. “Y/N?”

“Yes?” I say, pulling away from the horse, but still petting him with one hand.

“What do you want to do now?” My heart sank. Jaskier and I sort of just always followed Geralt. Wherever he went, we tagged along as two annoying companions. And I don’t know the Continent at all, I had no idea where we even were.

“I…” I swallow a lump that’s stuck in my throat. “I don’t know.”

“I have an idea.” He comes closer to me, taking my free hand and squeezing it. I see fire in his eyes, like he’s finally beginning to awaken again. “We could look for home. Try to figure out what it is for us. If it’s a building or…”

“Or what?” I ask when he goes quiet for a few seconds. He picks up his lute, springing it back to life.

“I am looking for a home // where I’ll find it,  I don’t know // in the forest, far away, // or in your arms may be my place.// Will I build it with my hands, // will I find it by myself // am I looking for a building, // will it be that simple?//”

I stare at him, prancing around again. The Jaskier I know, the one who sings about everything and anything. I lean on Sky, adoring the man I fell in love with.

“I am ready for adventure, // take my hand, you’re coming too, // north and south  we must explore, // drinking, dancing all night long. // Finding castles and the taverns, // different towns and different patterns, // all is simple, all is great, // maybe home is not a place. // We will find it, I promise you, // just grab your horse, we’re riding soon // into the sunset and the sunrise, // we’ll look for home, until we find it.”

Jaskier lands the last note, and I applaud his singing. He beams, walking towards me, landing a sweet sweet kiss on my lips. I am surprised by the sudden approach, but I don’t mind it.

He climbs on Sky, offering me a hand. I untie the horse first, and then jump behind him. I allow Jaskier to hold the reigns this time, not wanting to bring him down from his high, as he ushers the horse. Sky neighs in response, happy to finally be able to move freely.

We ride into the forest, as Jaskier keeps humming the song he just came up with. With my hands around his waist, I can rest easy.

But the Witchers words still find a way to creep in.

PART FIVE [FINALE]

The Echo, Bellamy, Clarke, Octavia of It All....

Okay, I have a theory just based off of the end of the first episode. The first episode seemed to spend a lot of time giving us parallels/callbacks to the past seasons:

Clarke swimming in the lake in a very Octavia style way from the series premiere aka 1x01 “Pilot” (also, when did she have time to learn to swim?)

Jasper’s Goggles (1x01), Maya’s iPod, and Monty’s Letter (4x01)

Lexa’s throne...if you missed this, it’s what collapsed the temple when Clarke pulled her walking stick out.

Diyoza, our new evil female badass, saying “We’re not alone.” (1x01 after Jasper got hit with the spear)

Bellamy and Echo with “Wouldn’t it be easier to step outside?” (4x13)

Octavia and Madi both being the girl from under the floor. Octavia hiding from being known since there was a one child rule. Madi hiding from the Flamekeepers so they wouldn’t find out she’s a nightblood.

Clarke driving to the music in a Raven Reyes styled manner (3x01)

The bodies were resting just like the ones from Mt Weather (2x16)

Clarke using the map skills her father taught her (1x01)

Clarke saying “I used to think that life was about more than just surviving...” (2x14) “but I’m not sure anymore. Animals don’t feel guilty when they kill. They just do it. They kill, or they get killed. I tell myself that every life I took was for a reason, but the truth is, the other side had reasons, too. The grounders, the mountain men, even ALIE—their reasons to want us dead were the same as ours. It was us or them, kill or be killed. Simple as that.” Almost similar to Bellamy’s line from season 1 to Charlotte (1x03), “You can’t afford to be weak. Down here, weakness is death, fear is death.”

Echo referring to her banishment (4x10) and how she almost killed Octavia (4x04 and 4x05)

This season started off as sort of a love letter to seasons past. It’s a soft reboot, and I can safely say that I am absolutely in love with it. It feels as if the show has completely started over, but at the same time it still feels like the same show.

My biggest theory refers to Octavia making the promise of Echo’s banishment. From the small glimpse we got of her, I am dead set that Octavia is going to take on an almost villain role. She’s sort of been spiraling down this path since 3x09 when Lincoln was murdered by Pike. My thoughts go back to when Octavia says, to Bellamy, after he discovered she was alive, “Octavia is dead. She died when you killed Lincoln.” We all know that Bellamy had nothing to do with Lincoln’s death, but since he had been an ally of Pike’s for a good portion of season three, it’s easy for the viewer to see how Octavia could have seen it that way. Octavia’s behavior from 3x09 through the small snippet we got in 5x01 is a downhill swoop. I personally thought she was going in a good direction around the time of the conclave in 4x10 through 4x13 since she seemed to have forgiven Bellamy by saying “I love you, big brother.”

Octavia seems to have had a hard time in the bunker. You know, since they have Fight Club™️. I do think that this is going to be a callback to the Culling from season 1, 1x05, since there are nearly 1,200 people down there and that amount of people was to be sustained in a five year time span (hint: they’ve been down there 1 year and 7 days longer than they should have). So, to deal with this, there’s rumors of Octavia having to take serious action. We know that Fight Club™️ is a bloodbath, and I presume our former Chancellor Jaha has been one of the victims as Isaiah Washington is leaving the show (I think he’s only in a handful of episodes). There is also rumor that to deal with population reduction, and the food shortage, Octavia and the bunker have become cannibals. It makes sense, and this season has already proved that the human race will do anything they can to survive...like eating dead bugs off the grill of your rover.

So, how does Echo factor into this? Well, she said it herself, “I was banished.” She was, and Octavia is unlikely to forget this detail. She despised Echo, and I’m sure she’ll hate her even more to know that she is alive (and sleeping with her brother....). Bellamy seems to be super chilled this season and just says “Octavia is the least of our worries.” Oh boy, do I have news for you, buddy. I think Octavia is going to be a huge threat to Echo, and honestly, I do think Echo will die this season, around the 5x10 marker just as our Azgedan King did in 4x10. We need Echo in the plot for tension, and she’s going to create a lot of it. She’s important to the Bellamy and Octavia storyline. They’ve been together for potentially three years (she said it took him three years to forgive her) and she probably helped him grieve for Clarke (romantic or not). However, her death I think will be a huge parallel to Lincoln. Octavia blamed Bellamy for Lincoln’s death and this left them on a huge out for almost two seasons. Bellamy clearly believes he’s in love with Echo, and if Octavia kills her. There’s no going back for those two. He thinks he still knows his sister, and six years is a lot of time. These are important years for a young adult. Octavia was still 17 when he went back with SpaceKru. Ages 17-25 are such important years for a human being, and it’s where we really learn who we are. I don’t think 23 year old Octavia will be changing any time in the future. The Octavia we will meet in “Red Queen” will be someone we might not love anymore. Echo’s potential death would make Bellamy hate his sister for the first time in his life, and cling onto something that isn’t his sister. His friends, as he’s already said, are his family. Clarke is now excluded, but I’m almost positive that they’ll fall back into old routines. So I see a huge role reversal between Bellamy and Octavia in the face of a loved one. Death motivated Octavia...I wonder what it will do for Bellamy post Praimfaya (we all know him after Gina...)

I also think Echo’s extremely important to the Bellamy and Clarke arc, hence why I think her death will happen later in the season. Bellamy has clearly been Clarke’s crutch for the last 2,199 Days. In the days post Praimfaya, she spent her solitary time talking into the radio praying he hears her. I’ve had people suggest that the messages aren’t just to Bellamy, but to me, it’s pretty obvious. Especially the one scene after she found the berries in Shadow Valley, “It’s been 58 Days. By now Monty should have the algae farm producing. How bad does it suck (no offense Monty).” Her messages all seem to be tailored to Bellamy, and she seems to miss him the most. We see her saying in the ruins of Arkadia, “What’s the point if all there is, is pain and suffering? Real cheerful, Clarke. I’m sorry. Ignore me, okay? I haven’t had water in two days....In case this is the last time I get to do this...please don’t feel bad about leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you.” This statement just screams that she is talking to Bellamy, and you can really tell she misses their conversations. She misses the comfort he gave her, and perhaps that’s why she radios him and not anyone else. This also makes me think that Echo and Bellamy is some tension between Bellamy and Clarke. They’ve had six years to think about those eight months on the ground. They haven’t said anything, but maybe feelings were realized? In the opening SpaceKru scene, we get Bellamy staring at Earth with an almost reminiscent look in his eye. He’s probably thinking about Clarke, just as he had when watching the scorching Earth in the season 4 finale. They’re clearly on each other’s minds a lot, Clarke says “God, this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive. If I knew I was gonna see you again.” And Bellamy seems to bring Clarke’s death into a lot of things, and like Clarke, he has also kept track of the time passed. So much so that every time it’s mentioned, he gets extra chores....he chooses Murphy.

Echo is very much the teetering point this season. She is going to be important to both of Bellamy’s story lines. She even asks what will they be once they get back to Earth. I think this is both to Octavia and, unknowingly at the time, Clarke. Once SpaceKru knows Clarke is alive, I’m fairly certain Echo will know she doesn’t stand a chance. We’ve had a lot of references of people noting their relationship. We don’t know what how Bellamy grieved, or what was said about Clarke during those six years, but we do know this:

Murphy knows Bellamy would do anything to save Clarke. He even said to him in 3x15, “You’re not the only one here trying to save someone you care about.” Octavia wasn’t in immediate danger, but Clarke was. This was after Bellamy said, “Clarke’s in trouble” and Murphy replied, “Clarke’s always in trouble.”

Jaha points out in 4x03 that “[Bellamy] keeps [Clarke] centered” to which Bellamy replied “[Jaha] got it backwards.”

Roan definitely knew, but never said anything

Abby asked Bellamy and Clarke to protect each other...she also knew (4x12)

Raven, As ALIE, said to Bellamy “Too bad you were never that devoted to Gina” (3x11).

Monty knew. He was there for two different instances. Bellamy saying in 3x02: “I CANT LOSE CLARKE....we can’t lose her.” And Bellamy saying in 4x13: “I left her behind. I left her behind, and we all die anyway.” Both those lines just break my heart.

I really think they’re using Echo as a catalyst this season. Her presence will change things, and I think she may even give us Bellarke. We didn’t see Bellamy and Echo become a thing, nor did we see them truly interact until the end of 5x01. Therefore, we don’t have any real attachment to them as we do with Bellamy and Clarke. Jason Rothenberg, the show runner, even said that this is Bellamy and Clarke’s story. So, when Bellamy says “nothing is gonna change on the ground,” we know that shit is about to go down. Long story short: “It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

Behind The Scenes 4 (7/?)

Author’s note: I last minute changed a part of this scene so i am not use how much i like it or how it is going to effect everything. (technically i took a detail out so yeah i don’t want this to change things too much)

*The part i took out was because the topic was a trigger to me, so i only scratched the surface the whole thing. You still get the main idea, i just imply more that what is written. I am sorry about that*

Genre: fluff? (but with suga)

Word Count: 1793

Summary: Suga and y/n bring up kinda bring up somme deep stuff.

ALL PARTS

( i am debating making a new gif for this part. I still don’t know how far i will go with the story but this gif is like a bit over a year old haha)

You heard a loud thud right next to you. You opened your eyes and searched of the source of the sound.

“Aish.” He grunted. Immediatley you recognized who it was

Your eyes adjusted to the dark room and you saw the silhouette in the fetal position grabbing his knee.

“Yoongi are you okay?” you whispered

“Yeah” he groaned as he crawled up to you. “Scoot over and don’t hog the blanket this time.”

You moved to the wall, giving him enough space to join you

When he situated himself next to you, he fixed the blanket over the two of you. His hand went to your wait and you scooted closer to him.

You could sensed his body heat and already felt so much warmer. You could smell his faded cologne, happy that you weren’t getting any hints of beer on him

“Hi.” He said with a bit of frustration in his voice

Things had changed over the past week and a half. V went back to his room, jimin fnially able to sleep in his own bed again. Jin’s resentment towards you had come down a tiny bit and he only stuck to the enraged stare if you ever encountered each other in the living room on those late nights watching tv with v. Suga and Jhope were actually trying to cut down again. You could see it. They were still struggling but they were trying harder than they were the first time. Jungkook… There was more space between you and Jungkook. According to V, Jungkook felt you wee a bit mad at him over the argument with your dad. V said that he therefore advised Jungkook to give you some space (because he remembered how annoyed you were about Jungoook and Suga). Jimin however denied this. Jimin pointed out that Jungkook never listens to anyone so he wouldn’t listen to V’s advice. Jimin said that Jungkook was just going to the gym more because he wanted to make sure he looked good for the comeback. You weren’t too sure which was the real reason and you didn’t really care. You liked that he wasn’t around because it made everything easier with Suga. Suga was the one sneaking into your room every so often so you coud talk some more(*cough* make out a bit *cough*). Tonight was probably his third night coming over to be with you.

“Hello Mr. Grumpy.”

“I am sleep deprived, hungry, physically drained, going through withdraws, stressed, and I just tripped and hurt my knee do you really blame me for being grumpy?” he said with a tired smile “I want to get drunk so bad!” he whined. “ Remind me why I am not blacked out right now.”

“Because you claim to love me.”

“Oh yeah.” he remembered, as he leaned in for a kiss.

You let him kiss you, unable to deny his lips. But you left it at just one to let him know you were trying to be serious about not wanting him to drink.

“If you are so tired, why are you in here again?”

He gasped at you. “Again? You think I am in here too much? you don’t want me here or what?”

You laughed and slapped his arm. “You know what I mean.”

He shrugged. “I can’t sleep. You know how it is.

“You have really deep bags under your eyes from not sleeping. I am sure the stylists are mad at you. Have you tried sleeping medicine? Being sleepy isn’t gonna help with your writing either. Hobi told me that Namjoon was on your ass the other day and had a melt down at the studio.

His eyes shifted a bit. You could feel his body get tense. “Last thing in need to to get myself fixed on pills like Hobi.” He mumbled. “I just got a lot on my mind and getting drunk is the only thing that would help.” there he was bringing up the beer again. He had done well with going cold turkey so far, but by the way he was whining, things were getting harder without it.

“What do you keep thinking about?”

He rolled onto his back, putting space between the two of you. “Nothing.”

“It doesn’t seem like that. Is it the deadline? The solo?”

“No”

“Is it jin? You all have been good in keeping him away. My bruises are gone now. I am fine… except for my pa- Is that what is getting to you?" Lately that is where your mind always went. Being alone in the room, all you would do was think oof your parents. Thankfully the guys were aware and they would try to cheer you up, this being now of the reasons suga snuck in. He never said it, but you knew he went back to this tactic of sneaking into your room and coming into your bed as a way of keeping your mind off your parents. But maybe this was putting alot of stress on him, maybe you were the reason he was feeling this way.

“No!” He rolled back on his side and pulled you into  hug. “you aren’t stressing me out. Don’t think that way.”

Still, just bringing them up made you sad again and you coudn;t help but start crying.

“Hey don’t cry. It’s alright.”

“I just miss them.” you whimpered.

“I know I know. But remember what we said the other night. We know that they still love you, they are just upset because that dickhead down the hall lied. And we agreed that was for the best! It means that they aren’t going to be on his radar anymore ad they are going to be safe.”

“…Yeah”

He wiped away the tears that trickled down the side of your face. “ What’s bothering me is nothing, don’t worry about it ok.”

A very stubborn you shook your head at him. You weren’t going to let yourself get distracted with your own problem “No. I know you want to talk about it. Don’t feel like you cant tell me anything anymore! I can take it. I am here for you. Tell me. Talking about it might help you sleep. It might keep you from wanting to drink. Tell me.”

You could make out his features from the light coming in between the curtain. You could see the creases on his forehead, the uneasy look in his eye as he looked at you, his quivering lip. He was conflicted. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“Yoongi, tell me.”

“…It’s Aiko.” He said to so softly you could barey hear him despite how close he was to you

Hearing her name broght back a waved of memories and emotion. You let out a deep breath “Oh… ok” you said as you tried to hold back that tears that were forming in your eyes again

“I can’t get her out of my head.” he sniffled. “I can’t stop thinking about how her family is feeling right now. I can’t stop thinking of what things would be like if I just did one thing different. I can’t get your words out of my head. You were right, she trusted me! I hurt her when all she did was want to do something for me! And- And the little sleep I get, she is in my dreams! And- she- she talks to me and-“ that’s when he broke.

He shoved his head in to the pillow. He was crying so hard, although muffled, his sobs filled the room.

“What’s going on?” Jimin’s sleepy voice asked.

You saw jimin sit up from the bed

That’s when Suga tried to stop crying.

“Yoongi?” Jimin turned on his lamp. “Yoongi are you crying?”

“It’s nothing Jimin.” You told “Can you just give us a few minutes.”

“…Yeah… I- I have to go to the bathroom anyway…” Jimin said as he slowly got off the bed. His confused eyes were glued on suga as he left the room. “Are you sure everything gis ok?”

“Yeah we are only talking

-

JK POV

Blood. Fire. Guns. The nightmares wouldn’t stop. How could he sleep with dead eyes staring back at him.

Jungkook stood up from his bed in a cold sweat. He looked at his phone, 2:17am. There was only five hours left before he was supposed to wake up.

He took off his shirt, just a way to try and cool down. His fingers ran through his damp hair in an attempt to calm himself down and remind himself that everything was a dream. (of course it didn’t help since he knew that although, yes it was a nightmare, it was still a reality that he was causing)

“Water. I need water...”

His sore legs moved moved him out of the room and down the hall. In the dark hallway, the light coming from under the bathroom was enough to light the way to the kitchen. He didn’t care who was up, his mission was to go quench his thrist

In the kitchen he dug himself into the fridge in search of a bottle of  water. Once he did, he chugged it sown in a good 10 seconds

It was when he hunched over to catch his breath, the idea came to him to go to y/n’s room. A week had been long enough to give her some space. Things were probably better now.

He was a bit more awake as he waddled down the hall. He reached for the door knob when suddenly it moved. In a panic, he jumped back and shuffled in the direction of the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” Jungkook heard a voice ask him just as he was a few feet from the kitchen

He stopped, it was time to be cool. He “yawned” as he turned around to the source of the question. “What?” he grumbled, scratching a fake itch on his chest.

“What are you doing?” suga asked more harshly

“I thought I lived in south korea, when was it illegal for me to get some water.”

Suga scoffed at him

“But I think I should be the one asking you that. Why are you coming out of y/n’s room?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“I said it before, if it involves y/n, it is my business.”

Suga walked up to him, stucking his jaw out all smug like. “So just becuase you are her fake boyfriend you think you can starting interrogating me as if are her real one? I think you are forgetting who it the hyung here, let alone your actually relationship to y/n.”

Jungkook looked right into Suga’s bloodshot eyes. “Just because you are older doesn’t make you any better than me or any better for y/n. Leave her alone and let her sleep instead of bothering her with your drunk ranting.”

“I’m not bothering her if she wants me in there. Not like you would know, she doesn’t even look in your direction.” Suga said as he walked off to his room

Monsters

Meet my friends: Anxy -anxiety, Deppy -depression, and this weeks special guests, the other mee’s! {They’re just a group of different personalities that hang out at the bar in my mind palace}.  Anyway, living with them is super tough! Now, Anxy and Deppy have been around or quite some time. After all these years, we’re kinda hella tight. They’re always there to stop me from doing what I love, or assume that people hate me and don’t want to be bothered. They’re great! 

All of the things I used to love, all the funny things I used to do.. I lost it all. I had a voice, I was loud and proud and I didn’t give  a rats ass who heard me. Now, I hate to give credit to growing up but....I just might be growing up. But now THAT shouldn’t have much to do with losing myself. I just don’t understand what happened? How does one forget how to be themselves? How does a person forget how to be..a person?  OK, let me explain. 

This is what its like to live with Anxy and Deppy, and the other bunch of me’s....

-I’ve lost my love of research.  I don’t look anything up anymore because it a) takes too much “effort, b) I think I’m ok to live without knowing who sings this song, or who played who in that movie, etc. ,c) I’m too busy being sad with Deppy to look things up. Bitch really brings me down, ya know?

-I’ve lost my verbal skills. I come from a very well educated household. I was top writer n my class. My speech skills have severely declined because, bitch ass Anxy, doesn’t like me to speak to people, or read things properly, or express the funny shit that I say in my head out loud. Therefore, I sit silently and enjoy the way others express themselves. Artful, really. 

-Can’t really say I’ve lost ALL my verbal skills. That’s when the other mee’s come in. FYI, they like to show up at random times, and most of the time, they’re super instigators. They like to strt shit up with Anxy and Deppy. “Team Anxiety!” “Go team depression!!”  Bitches, all of them. Some of these “me’s” are deep. They question life, and random things in the universe. They can be very meta, and see things that other people can’t. I think this particular ‘me” has pareidoilia (where you see faces and things in everything). The ‘me’s’ don’t really have they’re own names but this one is the artsy one. She sees art in everything. She see’s the emotions, the feelings, the possibilities behind everything she sees, everything she comes in contact with, and she can appreciate it all. Silently, she sits and enters a trance as she picks up on all the details, or thinks of some ridiculous theory.  She tries to get “deep” with people, but her thoughts are like from another world. Strange. People just don’t get her, which is why she refrains from talking. “The silent one”.

Then there is also the rude one. She straight up doesn’t give a shit about anything or anyone. She isn’t conceited or anything like that- she knows better. But she tells it like it is and sometimes people cant handle it. She can be brash and maybe even mean. If she’s in the wrong, she’ll just walk away and not care. Throws everything away over something stupid. Does irrational things out of spite. If what she wanted to eat so badly wasn’t available to her when it could have been if it weren’t for someone else making the final choice,  she just won’t eat. Literally stare. How dumb is that? She hasn’t been out too often lately because Deppy makes her weak and she doesn’t have enough energy to be rude.  “The rude gal”.

There  is the “mama”. She want’s to help everyone, and take care of them. Maybe sometimes she comes off as a nagging mom, or “annoying”. She’s always aware of safety, and proximity, and preventing terrible accidents that she sees flashing in her head. Anxy is always on her back about keeping things safe and doing things the right way and yada yada yada. She will sweat her life away trying to serve you and take care of everyone, even though she knows they won’t do it for her. She gives too much advice sometimes, she always has a suggestions. ugh... just shut up. Yes, she can be annoying, but.. she just wants to make sure you’re ok. Really. 

There’s the scary one. Mean, rude, disgusting, vulgar. She feeds off the anger that is the fiery spawn of Anxy and Deppy. She suggests the cruelest things. Visions of gore, tragedies, fights, etc, flash before my eyes and it takes everything i HAVE TO KEEP HER AT BAY. I let her loose a few times a while back, and let me tell you.. it was not a good time. She gets through just a tad at times, causing me to have wild mood swings. Throwing things, breaking things, screaming, crying until I can’t breathe, and then she finally suggests that I just end it all- “Today could be your day! Just get it over with. You’ll feel better! You’ll see.” The tiniest spec of me that is left calls out to the shell that is me, and reassures me that things will be ok. Of course, Anxy is now in a tizzy, because “what will my family say?” ,” i can’t do that to my mom”, “ what will i be missing out on?” “what if i was sent here for something and i just gave it all up, so easy?’, “will anyone even notice?”. Deppy chimes in and just tells me to think about it later on. “Be lazy about it for now., at least you can think it over. We don’t have energy for this, its time to be a mopey zoo lion.”

Lastly, hopefully, is the witch. She’s always been with me, since birth. Runs in the family. She is kind,healing,  and also wants to help people. After all, it is her spiritual job. AWESOME! Only problem with this is that she can hear and feel extra things. Voices from beyond. She can hear feelings. She can feel energies.This has always been her thing, but as of the last few months, she must have gone through some kind of transformation, because now she won’t shut up. Hearing voices and noises that don’t belong to anyone or anything, which has made me quite jumpy. Also, at random times when near someone, friend or stranger, she can pick up things about these people, and just makes me  spit them out to these individuals. Of course I’m going to get weird looks when I’m basically telling you something about yourself that i couldn’t have possibly known. People don’t take to that all too well. 

The once outgoing and vivacious creature that I used to be has become muted and still. It’s because I have all these things and voices going on my head and I’m trying to control them so that I can function normally. Just another thing that turns people away... why talk to someone who doesn’t freaking talk!? 

-I’ve lost my motivation to do the things I love. Art is my life, and boy do I have soo many incredible ideas. Deppy just doesn’t want me to do them because “sleeping” is a better idea. The fact that I can’t even express myself makes me even more depressed.  You see the cycle? Dumb!

-I used to go to the salon every week to do my hair and nails. I was always looking fresh and had makeup and I took exceptional care of myself. I’ve seen the same bullshit in my closet for the last 5 yrs, and ask me if I’ve reeeaalllly dressed up in while. No. The answer no. My confidence level when from 60 to 0...and fast! I try, don’t get me wrong. I deal with what I have, but I’m feeling it now as I get older that, well, maybe I should wear something other that graphic tees and cycle through the same 5 dresses I have. Its a process that now I’m trying to work on. REVAMP MYSELF. 

-I have alopecia, and poly-cystic ovaries, and nueropathy, and probably some other crap. I get moody, and I‘m in pain most the time. Anxy freaks out because shes always worried about what people will say about it, and if people notice, and she just tells me to stay silent when I’m in pain because people probably are sick of hearing me hurt and “whine”. So instead of me being vocal when I hurt, I either sit in silence wearing a sticker smile and cry on the inside when everyone is having a good time, or I seclude myself and cry in pain alone, that way I don’t have to inconvenience anyone with my troubles. Deppy agrees with suffering in silence, because who cares, really? 

With all of this going on, I’ve lost myself. I can’t focus, I don’t sleep much, I don’t each much. I can’t seem to enjoy simple things. I haven’t danced in such a long time, and damn do I want to so bad.. I’ve had chances to go dancing but Deppy was totally against it, so we stayed home in bed instead. I haven’t cooked an actual mean in months, which is sad because I love cooking! I’ve been living off of bullshit and dreams for the last few months. With every ounce of myself that is left, I am desperately trying to hold on and regain control of my life. Anxy and Deppy sure have done a number on me. 

Trying to explain it to people when they ask if I’m ok  is hard, especially when these two nudge at me and make me answer “i don’t know” or “i’m fine”. Hence me shutting down and people turning away from me.If I ever do get a chane to explain these feelings, they get overlooked. If someone else comes a long and expresses these same feelings for themselves, they get the much needed love and support. Cool. Let me just step to the side while you hug this other person who is going through literally the exact same thing I just said. My bad! Anxy and Deppy are not only ruining me but they’re ruining my relationships with other people. More importantly, I’m ruining the relationship with myself. i haven’t cared for myself in such a long time, that I’ve forgotten how to love myself. Deppy and Anxy make me hate everything that I am and forget everything I stood for. It shames me to say that often times, I lie awake at night contemplating Deppy’s suggestion of ending it all, finally. The curious cat in me won’t let me, though-thankfully- fore I’d like to see where the years take me.

It is for that reason that I am training myself to be human again. I’m looking up the trending stuff so that I can understand what everyone is talking about. I’m setting alarms for myself so I can remember to do literally everything. I mean it-eat, sleep, nap, clean, work, etc.  I have to try to re-train myself to read, and in a correct order. Not middle of the page first, then top  two sentences, then the last four. I need to learn how to use technology, and how to follow the news-I have no idea what’s going on in the world. Then I have to find a way to boost my memory. God forbid a commercial breaks comes on, I can’t remember what I was just watching. So many things that need to be done in order for me to function like a normal person. Anxiety and depression really do suck so much. Its painful, its sad, and its scary. But through all of that, I have to keep on pushing myself. I can’t let myself get ....myself down. 

Anxy and Deppy have a message - we’re sorry that this is so much for you to read. We’re sorry that were so weird and awkward. We’re sorry that you might find this to be boring. We promise this isn’t a selfish thing, we just don’t know how to express our thoughts properly. We want to love and be human again, and we’re trying, so please give us a chance. A chance is all we ask for. Some people don’t even get the idea of a chance. Thank you.  

IF YOU SUFFER WITH ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE! REACH OUT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY. SPEAK YOUR MIND AS BEST YOU CAN. HELL, WRITE TO ME IF YOU WISH. WE CAN TALK ABOUT WHATEVER YOU WANT. I HAVE AMAZING ADVICE FOR OTHER PEOPLE, JUST NOT MYSELF. I CAN BE YOUR HYPE MAN! KNOW THAT YOU ARE LOVED AND ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO TURN OVER A NEW LEAF. WE CAN DO IT AS A TEAM. BE WHOMEVER YOU WANT TO BE. LOVE THE THINGS YOU LOVE AND DON’T APOLOGIZE FOR ANYTHING. IT’S GOING TO BE OK.  YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL AND AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU. <3

To whom this may concern: Kitten

It wont be about you, every time I talk, but it will be things I want you to know.

I promised you not to give you details, so I wont, but I do want to say how much I miss you. I feel like it is wrong and selfish to tell you that I miss you because you are working so hard on yourself, and I don’t want to pressure you into acting faster than you want to. But I miss you.

 I miss the way you would look at me, and how you would smile when I swore,  I miss how you touched me, and how conversations were never a bore. I miss the way you would talk to me, and the way you made me feel. I miss the way you held me, how everything felt so real.

Nothing is as bright as you standing in the door. Nothing is as colourful as your laugh, or the stories you would tell me to make me laugh. Nothing can compare to you, and even after 1.5 months of not seeing you I still feel this way. I know that this is how I feel, it hasn’t changed, man, if you could read my other blog, and it had a time punch, you would know that I fell for you pretty much after our second or third date. 

That is why I will wait, and try to be patient with you. Because you fill my heart, you calm my thoughts, you light my way through the dark. You protect me, you save me, and while my drama isn’t a lot right now, I hope that one day you will be there for when it is.

But I am scared. How do I know you feel the same about me. My anxiety spikes and I wonder if what i feel is real, or if I am making it up. I question my instincts and myself because I don’t get instant gratification or attention to validate me. So here I am trying to validate myself. 

In my head, I have two scenerios that stand out.

1. I love you, and I will wait for you, and you appricate it. You appeicate that I what I am doing is difficult for me, the waiting, and that I am still doing it for you. You like that I care, almost as much as you do, and I keep you feeling happy, by showing that I am happy without you as an active part of your life (because it shows I am not overly co-dependant). 

2. I am obsessing, and I am toxic, and I am sick. I am smothering you, and ignoring your wishes and your boundaries. I am making you feel guilty for not being healthy enough for me because i keep pushing and pushing, and pushing you away. I feel like my attention to you is drowning you and I am not stopping it because I want to be selfish, and have you in my life even if you don’t want to be in it.

So every night (or less), I battle against myself. I remind myself, that if I was selfish, I would have appeared at your door, I would have told you how I felt, and that what you are doing is unfair to me, and that your silence is horrible and toxic, and you should just stop because it is hurting me. But it isn’t about me. If I was selfish, I would have used terms like, “If you really cared for me, you would pay me more attention” or, “its like you’re not even trying” because I dont’ get to see you and therefore I cannot gauge what you are doing. If I was selfish, I would have an expected timeline for how you should be healthy and ready for me, because I am awesome and I want you, like some kind of Plush toy.

But I am not.

It kills me because I can’t help you, so I back off. I keep being myself, which involves a lot of texting, my emotions to stories, to whatever. I post myself happy because maybe if I you see I am happy, my smiles will make you smile. I continue with my life, but always make you a part of it. I hope you feel appriecated because I wear the shirt you gave me to bed almost every night, I hope you enjoy that my hair is purple, or my lips, or my eyes or all three. I do it for me because they are vibrate ass colours, but you are always at the back of my mind and think to myself, “I hope today You see this photo because its for you.”

Emotionally I am tied up. I am focusing on myself again, I have restarted my studies, I am writing again, and I am gunna contact me new therapist Friday to continue treatments. I am exploring places I have never been with new people, but I still think to myself, “he would like this.” I can’t tell you how many sunsets I have seen and thought of you, or how many sunrises I wish I could have shared with you.

There is this song I listen to on repeat, this is the secret I wanted to tell you, these are the lyrics and I always think of you. I can’t help it. I waltz to the song, I feel you close to me, I want you to dance with me, but I know it can’t happen, and yet I hope.

“Memories of the Night”

I stumble in and tumble down, fumbling, I’ve fallen in love. Reaching in and reaching out, trying to find what I have become. Dance the night away, incense and masquerades branded in red. There’s not a chance that I may fail. Either way, to heaven or hell, I’ll carry with me memories of the night. So, this song, is written by Elodia’s brother. And so I listen to him to think of you. 

And that makes me feel like shit. Or it did until I realized he has his own girl that he was waiting for, and that if I fangirled over him, it would be weird to place his music, about his life, and go “omg this is how I feel about you,” like that is kinda really weird, so you know, I am happy I don’t feel that way.

You want to know how I feel about him? Probably yes, but you wont want to admit it, and if you are anything like me, you will obsess over the thoughts in your head twisting it around until you can’t even remember what your first thought was. So here it is. He is like family, he feels familiar and safe, so I will give my body to him, but I can’t see a future with him. Not romantic. We are way to different/similar in all the wrong ways. He is comfortable like home, and as you know of me, I don’t like to be confortable for too long, I get too antsy. 

I know you are not ready yet to talk to me face to face, or even over text. I can’t say I understand why, but this is my way to give you your privacy and space. I will write to my blog for you and express myself. I hope that you read it, but I know it is wordy and difficult to read as a second language. But if it stops me from text bombing you, I will. I wish you could communcaite with me with how you are doing. Our convesations are getting longer, and more cheery, you seem less anxious and depressed, but I don’t know because I don’t want to assume anything, I don’t want to put words into your mouth, I don’t want to take your voice away.

You watch my story, and it gives me hope. It is a quiet way to see you still care about me, but that is something public, it isn’t honest. All that it will tell you is if I was busy or not that day, and even then I can make it lie. I can upload old photo’s that I enjoyed, or forget my phone at home. Honestly, I never used that before, I would always snapchat, but I saw that you watched it and I changed apps. I hope that seeing my smile makes you happy. It isn’t like the smiles I would have around you because you are not around. My eyes wont dilate like they would around you, I don’t laugh the same, because you gave me that joy, and it is something only you can give me. 

You can capture those moments, and keep them as memories. You bring out the best in me. I am not jealous, or worried about the people in your life. I am not trying to control or change you, because for me you are a wonderful fit. You don’t drink often, you don’t get high often, you don’t cheat, you don’t lie, you are you. Compassionate, caring, unbelievably smart, you are so creative, and driven, you have goals, and you have a life, and you go out to do things, and experiance things, and to learn new things. I don’t know how much I want to be you, or be with you, cause I can’t always tell the different. I want to be in the light you shine. And if that is just as friends, you have no idea how ok with that I am.

I mean, everyone has the right not to like someone back, that is your right too, so even if you only liked me as a friend, that would be fine. But I don’t think you do. I don’t know. You care for me, you are jealous (in a healthyish way), you make me feel good about myself and my flaws. You are a great friend, and an amazing lover. Even if i cant see you anymore, I know these are true. 

I just can’t tell if you want me in your future or not, and this month that is what is making me doubt myself. You care for me, and maybe that is what I am latching onto. You showed me kindness, and now like a parasite, I want to expeirance more and more.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU FEEL TOWARDS ME.  You confusion confuses me.  You care for me, you want me, you miss me. But you push me away, you keep me at arms length, do you think so little of me that I can’t care for myself? Do you pity me, so you try to save me? I know I will never get an answer to these questions, but still I ask em.

feelings 16th/17

wow youre really a villian wow he really loves you wow hes crazy wow you can't do shit youre like a sick little patient. "i know im running away from the truth" am i ever going to change? im not myself that feeling when he suggested that I should go for me since its hurting me so much, That cold empty feeling. That lets me know how much i love you. "I dont want to loose you" does it make a difference if i let you know you'll never loose me, whether were togethor or not? "salma i was just joking". You dont know what i think of myself. youre so uptight. Youre always ready. Its so unsettling. all of this is very unsettling. but im in it if you are. i believe in it if you do. But do you? Youre so sweet and bright and i feel like I dull you out. Im such a mood killer. Im so boring. This whole thing has made more the most unsure of myself then ive ever been in my entire life.. i feel like you need to take my hand and guide me through it. I dont trust myself enough to guide me.. i feel really alone. But with you its the different kind. Like youre so good and im so bad and thats whats seperating us and it hurts. i need to bring myself out of this and i need to remember the key details of what to do and what not to do. I hate trial and error so much. The uncertainty kills me. the uncertainty kills me all the time for anything really. i wonder if i need help. I never feel happy. I can laugh and smile at things. He can make them genuine. Whwn something bad happens it gets swiped away really fast, like a wax strip. It hurts longer then one though. Whenever youre upset about something or you express discomfort, it makes me feel like i disappointed you, even when sometimes it has nothing to do with me i wonder if im learning from experience or am i traumitized by it. The thought that i hurt my little ball of sunshine makes me want to cry for hours. i wonder if he knows that. i wonder if its too late to bring that up. i wonder if i need some time away from you. "If i step on your toes i feel it too" boy does that feel litterate. i want to die. I want to be alone. At the same time i dont want to be with you because i step on your toes. You said it too "anything you think is right is wrong" would it work? would i come back a better and functionable person? would i have a straight head? would i finally not be so sensitive? being sensitive is horrible. Youre like a therapist. Im like a gaping asshole, i cant keep my shit in anymore. A busted balloon that cant hide shit anymore. Anything i keep to myself destroys me from the inside. Sooner or later youre going to get sick of me telling you things. Youre going to get sick of me in general. "Im nevee going to get sick of you". Even typing to an account that no one sees makes me feel violated and vunerable. Being sensitive sucks. I could go on and on and on forever. I wonder if its because i never tell anyone anything. I miss him. Every time we leave a call i miss him. Every time somethings wrong i miss him. sometimes wanting to run away has been more frequent lately. Just to solve everyones problems. My parents could finally be happy and not worry about me by sperating because they hate eachother. He can finally be detached from me and find someone else thats good for him. No ones going to love him more than me. Let the problem solve itself? He really is adorable. His laugh is so cute and hes such a sweet heart. He gets mad at little things and he can be scary at times buy he trys. He trys so hard. His life is so hard. And you make it harder. He seems so beat up and its like you joined in with the people that did it. I wish i could tear myself down but i wonder if the guilt is doing it for me. I wonder if theres going to be a happy ending to successfully be with you, or for you to be without me and be successful You wanted to marry me, i wonder if you feel the same way..probably not that really hurts, to know i fucked up that much. Your so stupid salma, you really are so stupid. True love found you and you squashed it. Does he trust me? I dont trust him. what am i going to do. should i ever show him these? i wonder if that would help anything i always feel like everythings my fault now. I feel like my very presence makes him miserable.I wonder if ill ever help myself. I wonder if ill ever help you. was it better when i didnt care or was it only better because i never seemed unhappy? Any tiny thing makes me uncomfortable.. I dont think it was ever about school really it was always about you. am i a liar? yeah i feel better that i admitted it. i hate being vunerable in front of people. I hate being vunerable infront of you. maybe it was better in the beggining because i wasnt vunerable or as vunerable in front of you. I was more sure of myself back then. I was comfortable in my own skin. It was ok for people to be mad and it was ok for me to be mad. I had confidence in me. can i really not do anything? You dont want to lose me. To a certain point or at a certain angle, you have. Youve lost the me you first known, youve lost the girl you love to the girl that cant love herself because of all that youve proven to her and how all that she thought she could do? you said she couldnt, and thats how she lost herself and thats why she finally spoke out and thats why shes in the rut shes in and thats why she cant take care of you. maybe i do need to get away from you. People call this gas lighting. I wonder if he knows hes doing it?