#i need to have more chemo. and i found out today that the chemo treatment could make me infertile which means i gotta make the decision of | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

topguncortez · 5 months

Text

Are You With Me | | Chapter 3

previous part | masterlist | next part

synopsis: Jake and Y/N fight over the hospital bill and whether its a good idea to keep the kids on Jake's insurance or night. Jake still has issues with Miles. Ella makes a decision in the course of her treatment.

word count: 2.1k

warnings: medical inaccuracies, divorce, fighting, cursing, childhood cancer, mentions of childhood death

Jake had made a joke once that Eli was the cheapest baby they had. Said joke had earned him a glare that was fierce enough to send a shiver down his spine. Y/N had mastered the “mom eye” after having two kids.

But, even though Jake’s joke was done in poor timing, he was right. Having a baby, although not planned one bit, at home had saved them quite a bit of money. Jake had always found it comical that he was the best of the best. The 1% of the 1% and had some of the worst health care coverage in the whole United States.

“I feel like I need to take a loan out to pay these,” Jake rubbed his forehead, slipping his glasses off his face.

It was one of the rare moments that Jake and Y/N were both at the house. Y/N spent the day with Ella while Jake was at work and Alex was at school. Between Penny and Y/N’s mother Clara, they watched Eli for a couple of hours. Jake would then come to the hospital at night, staying with Ella while Y/N went home and made dinner and got the boys to bed. The Daggers had created a weekend schedule, each of them taking a saturday or sunday to stay with Ella so Jake and Y/N could both go home and recharge.

Though being at home was more stressful than watching their four year old getting pumped with toxins.

“Is that the bill?” Y/N asked as she walked into the kitchen after putting the boys down. She filled the tea kettle and set it on the burner, before pouring Jake a drink and taking it to him

“The first one, yeah,” Jake wiped a hand down his face, “Thanks,” He mumbled taking the rocks glass from her, “The ER visit cost thirty-three hundred dollars and insurance is only covering three hundred of it. The estimated total cost of care is around sixty-one thousand dollars.”

“Well,” Y/N swallowed, “I can always put Ella on my insurance. I get good-”

“No,” Jake sneered, “We agreed when we… we agreed when we divorced I would put the kids on my insurance plan because it’s cheaper.”

“Yes, but if this means compromising Ella’s care-“

“It’s not compromising anything!” Jake snapped causing Y/N to jump a bit in her seat. He scrubbed a hand down his face, “You got the kids and the house and everything else in the divorce. Let me help do this.”

Y/N nodded her head, “Fine,” She sighed, “We still have the rainy day fund.”

“Still not even going to make a dent in the payments,” Jake leaned back in his chair, “I’m tired of talking about this. How was Ella today?”

“Same as always,” Y/N shrugged, “Was fine in the morning before chemo, napped all afternoon and then threw up everything she ate. Her hair is becoming more of an issue for her… it’s becoming more noticeable.”

Ella’s hair had started to fall out as the weeks of chemo continued on. Jake and Y/N didn’t have the heart to shave it or cut it before Ella started therapy, wanting her to have the ability to make that decision for herself. But as the treatments went on, Ella’s confidence began to fade with each clump of hair that fell.

“Maybe we should just shave it,” Jake suggested as the tea kettle rang.

Y/N poured herself a mug, “No. She’s already losing so much autonomy over her own body. She should be the one who decides on her hair.”

“I hate to see her like that.”

“We all do,” Y/N took a sip of her tea, “But she was happy that Rooster and Dragon got to stay with her. Dragon mentioned something about watching Dateline.”

Jake chuckled, “Going to teach our four year old how to commit murder and get away with it.”

“She’s been stealing cookies and getting things she wants outta you since she was born.”

Jake couldn’t help it, he was a sucker for those big green eyes.

Silence fell over the two of them. It was moments like these where things almost felt normal between Jake and Y/N. Like the past two years had been a fever dream. That they had never spent a day apart. But then reality settled back in, and the awkwardness filled the air.

“I’m going to bed,” Y/N said, clearing her throat, “I put clean towels back in the guest room.”

“Thank you,” Jake nodded his head, “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Night, Jake.”

— — —

When Ella was born, she had a full head of dark curly hair. Y/N knew that she was going to have hair from all the heartburn she had experienced through the whole nine months. In fact, that was the first thing the doctor had called out in the middle of delivering the Seresin girl.

“oh gosh! she’s got a full head of hair!”

Y/N had always dreamed of having a little girl with gorgeous long hair, and she had been lucky to get just that. She couldn’t wait until Ella was old enough to sit up and her hair long enough that she could braid it and style it. Ella always had perfectly done hair when Y/N dropped her off for daycare. Ella liked to show off her matching bows or the intricate braid that her mother did to her classmates and teacher.

Miles had told them one of the most common side effects of chemotherapy was the loss of hair. Y/N thought maybe, just maybe, Ella wouldn’t lose her hair. They had gotten through the first week of treatment without any hair loss. But then week two rolled around, and it was the worst week of Ella Seresin’s life.

“Mommy! My hair!” Ella cried as she stood fresh out of the shower, with a clump of hair in her hands. Y/N did all she could to try and soothe her child as she pulled on the ends of her hair, more stands coming out.

“I know, baby,” Y/N fought back tears, “I know. It’ll be okay.”

For weeks, Y/N and Jake watched as Ella’s hair grew thinner and thinner. They switched from using a brush to using a wide tooth comb, hoping to save some of the frail strands of hair on her head. Ella knew that most kids on the floor didn’t have hair or wore fake hair. She knew that eventually, she would look like them.

“Do you want strawberry or cherry jello for lunch?” Y/N asked as she looked over the hospitals menu choices for today. Y/N wasn’t sure if it was because of stress but the hospital food wasn’t actually that bad. Plus, Val had kept Ella’s room stacked with snacks.

“Mommy,” Ella said.

“Yes, baby?” Y/N asked, putting the menu down and looking at her daughter, “What’s up, buttercup?”

“I want to cut my hair.”

“What?” Y/N was taken aback by her daughter’s words. Ella was wise beyond her years but this shocked Y/N to hear.

“I want to cut my hair. It keeps falling,” Ella said, touching her thinning hair.

Y/N nodded her head, “Of course, baby. We’ll do it tonight, when dad gets here. That sounds okay?” Ella nodded her head, a bright smile on her face, “Now, how about that jello.”

A couple of hours later, Jake was walking down the familiar bright colored walls of the children’s cancer ward. He always found it ironic that such a dark place was painted so brightly. Ella had only been there two months and already she had new neighbors on either side of her room. The cries of the parents haunted Jake at night and the images of little bodies being moved with sheets over their heads was enough to bring Jake to a panic. However, every time Jake walked closer to Ella’s door he was met with the beautiful sound of laughter.

A smile graced Jake’s lips as he heard Ella’s laugh and that familiar snort that always made her laugh harder. But the moment he opened the door, his smile dropped.

“Doctor Miles.”

“Daddy!” Ella cheered and sat up in her bed, reaching out for her father.

Jake walked over to her, greeting her with a hug and kissing her forehead, “How are you, bug?”

“I’m good,” Ella nodded her head, laying back in her bed, “Doctor Miles is playing Bluey with me.”

“I see that,” Jake looked over at Miles who was standing in the corner of the room now, “Where is Mommy?”

“Sent her for a snack,” Miles answered, “She’s looking like the walking dead.”

“Can we refrain from making death jokes?” Miles held back from rolling his eyes, “I’m here now, so you can go.”

“I said I would wait here with Ella until-”

“I’m her father and I say-”

“You say nothing,” Y/N said, appearing in the doorway, “Thank you, Miles.”

Miles nodded his head, “No problem, Y/N. I’ll see you tomorrow, Ella, good job today.” He held his hand out for the little girl to give him a high five.

Y/N waited a moment until Miles was out of the room before looking at Jake, “Really?”

Jake just shrugged, “I had it under control.”

“I’m sure,” Y/N sighed, walking over to Ella’s bed. The little girl curled up next to her mother almost instantly, “Do you want to tell your daddy what you want to do today?” Ella nodded her head and then looked at Jake.

“I want to cut my hair.”

Jake’s eyes widened as he looked from Ella to Y/N, “You do?” Ella nodded her head again.

“The nurses brought some clippers and stuff earlier. I-I’ve never cut anyone’s hair so I-”

“I got it,” Jake answered, “I was cuttin’ boys’ hair in the bay at boot camp.”

“Okay,” Y/N said, feeling the familiar burn of tears in her eyes, “You ready, Elles?”

“Yes!” Ella said, a bright smile on her face.

Both Y/N and Jake walked with Ella to the bathroom where a nurse had brung in clippers, scissors, a razor, shaving cream and a step stool. Ella stepped up on the stool, looking at herself in the mirror that was covered with pink and purple flowers. Y/N leaned against the doorway, watching as Jake got everything set up, occasionally making funny faces in the mirror to make Ella laugh.

“Gonna start now, are you sure this is what you want?” Jake asked his daughter. Ella nodded her head, “Okay. Here we go.” Both Y/N and Jake took a deep breath as he grabbed a lock of Ella’s hair and lifted the scissors. The sound of the shears closing together made the loudest sound Y/N had ever heard as a lock of brown went tumbling down to the ground.

“You cut it!” Ella gasped. Jake’s heart pounded in his chest, then it relaxed as her giggles filled the room, “Do it again!”

Jake looked at his wife through the mirror, seeing her red eyes but the smallest smile on her face, “Let’s keep going.”

After every snip of the scissors, Ella giggled which made the whole situation somewhat better. Eventually Jake got to the point where he had to use the clippers. He gently moved them over her head, watching as the final pieces of hair fell from her head.

“What do you think?” Jake asked, as he set the razor down in the sink. It was quiet for a moment as Ella looked herself over in the mirror.

“My head is cold,” She said.

Y/N chuckled as she stepped into the bathroom, walking up behind her daughter, “We’ll get you a hat or two or-”

“Three!” Ella held up three fingers. Ella turned to face her mom, “Momma, don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry, baby,” Y/N said, as Ella wiped a finger away from her cheek, “How about we take a shower and then watch a disney movie?”

“Princess and The Frog! Daddy! Will you stay?”

Y/N looked at Jake, who was cleaning up the hair around the bathroom, “Yeah. Of course. Let me finish cleaning this up, and I'll sneak down to the nurses lounge to make popcorn.”

“Thank you,” Y/N said, sincerity in her voice, “Let’s get cleaned up, Elles.”

A strange feeling settled over Jake’s chest as he watched his wife and daughter. A strange feeling that maybe, just maybe. . . things will be alright.

taglist: @yanna-banana @kmc1989 @soulmates8 @averyhotchner @fandom-life-12 @jazminlahey20 @jessicab1991 @reidshearts @princess76179 @dizzybee03 @dempy @kellyls04 @daddymack01 @beautifulandvoid @noonenuts @bradleybeachbabe @its-the-pilot @buckysteveloki-me @shibble @a-library-ofmy-own @fanfictionismyhobby @emilyoflanternhill @seitmai @moonlessnight14 @hardballoonlove @sgt-barnesveins @vhkdncu2ei8997 @1nterstellarcha0s @krispybearbouquet @a-serene-place-to-be @seresinslady @na-ta-sh-aa @milestomaverick @itsmytimetoodream @topgunslut @yuckosworld @angelbabyange @pedrohoe04 @midnightmagpiemama @lynnevanss @ummjustfics @thegoddessc @mrsevans90 @mjsvinyl @luversgirl @silenthappyplace @buckysvinyl

taglist form

376 notes · View notes

violetsiren90 · 3 months

Text

All I Haven't Said | Namjoon/Reader

💜 Chapter 3: Part 2 💜

Table of Contents: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3 (part 1), Chapter 3 (part 2)

Pairing: idol!Namjoon/f!Reader

Genre: Soulmate AU; idol AU; chapter fic; strangers to lovers; a bit of idiots to lovers, tbh; slow burn; eventual romance; eventual smut; angst (life is messy & hearts are complex); OT7 featured

Summary: You found your soulmate - or rather, he found you. Turns out he's an idol of much acclaim who needs you for very real and unglamorous reasons. What could become of two hearts so used to giving of themselves when they are confronted with needing each other?

Chapter Word Count: ~7k

Chapter Warnings: This fic is 18+, as is all my work and my page as a whole; depictions of cancer and its treatment; secondhand embarrassment; awkward situations; soulmate skinship; loss of consciousness; dudes dude-broing a bit lol; mentions of minor character death (in past); cursing; chemo therapy and its symptoms; nausea and vomiting; characters eat meals; Reader is starting to grapple with some difficult feelings; Hybe kinda sorta depicted as being collective assholes in responding to this situation (gonna be a theme, guys)

Author's Note: Here comes part two! I know this is months coming (again), but I've finally found my stride with writing and work. I had this mostly done, and then redid some parts and finished editing, and well...I just hope you all enjoy it! My hope is to post part three in two weeks - I really want to get into a groove with plot progression here!

There is a lot of content in this chapter about medical procedures and treatment. I tried my best to represent these as accurately as possible with what information I could acquire, but if there are any misrepresentations, great or small, please don't hesitate to let me know!

Thank you again to all who have stuck with this story! I continue to be blown away by how much love you have all showered upon it, and I'm so excited to walk the path I intend for these two and have you all along for the ride!!

P.S. If you want to join the tag list, drop me a comment or an ask!

P.P.S. If no one has told you yet today, you're loved and worthy of love! 🧜‍♀️💜

"Out of sheer taciturnity the ceiling listens To the fall of ancient leafless rain, To feathers, to whatever the night imprisoned." ~Pablo Neruda

Chapter 3: My Windows Ache

Namjoon's labs had come back with even more promising numbers. A radiology scan had shown no shrinkage in his tumors, but the doctors commented that these were early days, and that the effects of the bond might even be keeping them from inflaming due to the chemo. You had watched him, smiling as the doctor reviewed the result, and couldn't help but feel a sense of pride. Your soulmate was on the road to recovery.

Nurse Cha quickly checked both of you over before initiating another skinship session.

"I saw you out on the grounds earlier, and for the first time in weeks," she said, shooting Namjoon an approving grin. "Keep that up. He needs sunlight and fresh air," she remarked to you, flustering you even as you nodded in agreement.

Why was she telling you that? Were you his keeper?

Actually, you supposed, in fact, you were.

You peeked back up at him and found him regarding you with a small, amused smile, which disconcerted you further. You shook your head, shooting him an eye-roll as you made your way into the bathroom to disrobe.

After your first few experiences with skinship, you had asked Matt to acquire you some sporty, conservative sports bra and boy-short sets, and you slipped into one, pulling a hospital gown over it. After the way your conversation with Hyung-seo had unfolded you were glad to have them - the practical underwear felt far less intimate and flirty than your typical bras and panties, giving you much more peace of mind.

As you left the bathroom and made your way back to Namjoon's half of the suite, you noticed him sitting on top of the covers, long legs stretched out in front of him, in nothing but a black tee and blue boxers. He had a drip attached to a tube that ran under his shirt. When Nurse Cha glanced up from her touchscreen tablet to see you approaching, she waved her hand for you to come around to the other side of the bed, which had been adjusted to accommodate Namjoon's upright position.

"We’re going to try this sitting up today," she explained as she typed. "He's on a chemo drip right now, and the doctor wants to see if the bond will help ease the nausea and some of the other side effects. I heard you just had a nice lunch, so it would be wonderful if Namjoon could hang onto his."

She shot him a rueful smirk and he let out a chuckle. You smiled in turn and nodded as you slipped off your hospital gown and draped it over the end of the bed. You glanced up at Namjoon who had cast his eyes down at his hands, folded in his lap. The huge apparatus was lower than usual, so you slipped rather easily into it and against Namjoon's side. He raised an arm to drape over your shoulders and you settled against him, pressing your bare leg against his. It was comical how much shorter yours were, but you could only think of that for a fraction of a second as every other thought in your mind melted at the feeling of the man beside you.

Butter. Warm, melted butter. It was as if every single muscle group in your body had suddenly released every bit of tension it had been holding. So many sensations at once, but this was the one you felt like leaning into at the moment. You felt like collapsing against him.

He sighed deeply through his nose. Yeah, you felt that on a spiritual level. Mmh.

Your melty, bond-induced reverie was broken, however, by a dissatisfied noise from Nurse Cha as she stepped toward the bed. You looked up to find her expression matched her tone.

"You're not really getting much contact," she said, scanning her eyes over everywhere you touched...and didn't.

You raised your arms slightly and a bit uselessly. You felt Namjoon lean forward.

"Should I...like..." you looked to her for direction, but she was already in motion.

She grabbed your arm, guiding you off the bed and motioned for Namjoon to scoot back to the middle. She said something to Namjoon in Korean and suddenly he was tugging his shirt over his head. You felt your cheeks getting hot. Social norms had not prepared you for this amount of casual nudity. You stood there, eyes glued to Nurse Cha, hugging your arms over your middle and hoping that Namjoon was playing his usual blessed game of "look anywhere but soulmate". The nurse took your arm again and guided you back toward your previous perch.

"Sit between his legs and lean back against his chest," she instructed, nudging you to join him.

You looked up at Namjoon. His face looked like you felt. And then it was just too much. You were standing in a hospital in South Korea in your underwear being asked to sit in a practically naked celebrity's lap so that he wouldn't die.

You busted out laughing.

Nurse Cha jumped, surprise clear in her features as she regarded you.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" You gasped, bending over to support yourself against the bed as you continued to chuckle, "This is just..."

You snorted. Mortified but still attempting to swallow your giggles you clapped a hand over your mouth and looked up at Namjoon whose dimples were out and whose shoulders were shaking with his own silent amusement. Nurse Cha's lips curved up a bit to one side, but her narrowed eyes spoke of far less hilarity felt.

"Here's the thing," you said, turning to the nurse while still biting back your laughter, "Namjoon is spoken for, and...well...I have a pretty nice ass."

The nurse's eyes widened.

You were probably being really impolite. That would have been borderline in the States. You weren't sure about here, but you felt like that might have broken some unspoken rules. Or, maybe spoken ones because there were a lot of formalities, you were learning. But you had reached your limit with all this. The awkwardness levels were at maximum, and you were gonna cope the only way you knew how - with humor.

When you hazarded a look at your soulmate, he had drawn his knees up, grabbing them with his hands, his head dropped between them and his shoulders shaking as he badly repressed laughter of his own. You could see those dimples again. They were even deeper than before.

"We need to get maximum skin-to-skin contact during these sessions," Nurse Cha insisted indignantly, clearly a bit flustered.

"I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you offered her a contrite smile as you rocked back on your feet.

"Ah!" Namjoon drew your attention as he pointed behind you. "Throw me that pillow?"

You grabbed the little green cushion from the corner of the couch and tossed it to him. He lowered his legs and placed it over his lap.

"How's that?" he asked with a closed-lip smirk.

You gave him a thumbs up and clambered back onto the bed to situate yourself between his legs. You looked back over at Nurse Cha.

"Better?"

She raised a brow as she handed you a blanket. You thanked her quietly and cleared your throat as you fanned it out over your legs and Namjoon's, tucking it up to your waist. The nurse checked Namjoon's vitals and said that she would return in an hour to take him off the drip.

You sank back tentatively against your soulmate's chest, careful to avoid the little port below his sternum. There it was again. Butter.

Somewhere above and behind you, Namjoon chuckled. You smiled knowingly.

"What?" you asked indignantly.

"Did you see her face when you said that?"

You shrugged against him.

"Hey, it's true!" you insisted.

"Sorry if this is uncomfortable for you," he murmured.

You could hear that he was still smiling, but he sounded serious all the same. You let your head fall back.

"Honestly, I felt bad for you," you huffed in another laugh before sobering. "And, thank you," you turned, casting your eyes up over your shoulder, "For always being so respectful. It's made this a lot easier."

"Oh," Namjoon responded softly, "Of course."

You looked at his arms resting at his sides and thought of what Nurse Cha had said. You slowly picked up his hands in yours, raising them slightly.

"May I put them around me? For more contact," you asked.

You asked it boldly, but you felt shy. You wanted the chemo to work. You wanted it to stop hurting him while it did. When Namjoon let out a low hum of assent you drew his forearms around your waist and laid your own over them.

Your eyes slipped shut. So euphoric but it always made you feel like sleeping. You weren't going to give into the urge, though, not just yet. There were conversations to be had.

"Tell me about Hyung-seo," you prompted softly, shifting against him to get comfortable.

He was quiet for a moment.

"Well," he responded slowly, "what do you want to know?"

"How did you meet her?"

He went quiet again. Then he sighed a small sigh. You wondered what that little breath carried.

"She debuted in 2019. A buddy of mine - Seo Jungkwon, he goes by Tiger JK in the industry - had signed her to his agency. Bangtan was just taking off, things were blowing up. I actually collaborated with him which is when I met her."

He silenced for a moment.

"We had a lot in common - how we approached life and music."

"Had?" you asked, gently.

He heaved another sigh.

"The last few years have been really tough on her. I mean, she hasn't had an easy life to begin with, but..."

He paused, as if deciding whether or not to utter the words he wanted to say next.

"Anyway," he redirected himself, and you wondered what thought he had dismissed, "Preparing for a tour is grueling, and this is her first one. I think the stress is really getting her."

You hummed in acknowledgement. You recognized it in his voice - you should after all, as the same sound had echoed so often in your own - the hollow clemency of lying to yourself on someone else's behalf.

"Well," you offered, "She's lucky to have you supporting her, especially when you're going through such a difficult time yourself."

Namjoon scoffed.

"I mean, yeah, I'm sick, but...I don't know. In a lot of ways my life has been a lot easier these days. A lot simpler."

"Really? In what way?"

He huffed out a wry laugh.

"I have so much time to just do whatever. Read, write...I've been learning a couple of languages. I get to do v-lives with ARMY pretty regularly, as the company allows - Jungkook went kind of crazy with it before enlistment so we have to go through them for access now."

You had no idea what a v-live was, but from what little you had seen of Jungkook, you could imagine it took very little for him to get up to a significant amount of shenanigans. You smirked.

"Did you have so little time for those things before?" you queried.

"No! No way. It was like running non-stop for ten years. During my time in the military, I got a bit of a break and a change, but then I got sick and had to be discharged early, so...well, I didn't even get to experience that like I should have."

You felt your hands tighten in response around his forearms. His life hadn't been cake-walk either, that was clear. You wondered if he knew that, if he acknowledged it.

"Well, I'm glad you have more time for those things. You should keep as much time for them as you can, even when you're better."

He paused for a moment before whispering agreement into your hair. You felt it even though he didn't say it, the caveat - if he got better. He would. You'd never make him a promise you couldn't guarantee, but you could make one to yourself. So you did.

For the rest of the session you talked about Bangtan, and the recent history of the group's situation.

You learned about conscription and that it applied to idols as well. You learned the members had decided to enlist pretty much around the same time so that they could reunite to tour again after being discharged. Namjoon had been released ahead of schedule when he had fallen ill, and at this point most of the members had followed, save Yoongi who was set to be discharged the following week. He fondly reported that they were all anxious to meet you, and that Jungkook and Jimin hadn't stopped pestering him with all manner of questions in your regard since their visit the previous day.

Every time you had heard him speak about his members, the deep brotherly affection that permeated his words was incredibly evident.

You asked him to tell you about each one, and he did.

You blinked your eyes open as you felt Namjoon shift you in his arms. You slowly pulled yourself forward, struggling to focus.

"I...I'm sorry," you murmured, "I fell asleep on you again."

Namjoon chuckled and assured you it was quite alright. As you wearily slipped off the mattress to stand, you suddenly felt the room tilt and your knees buckle. Namjoon's reflexes were quick enough to catch you in his arms. He stood to pull you up and hold you against him.

"You okay?" he asked in concern.

"I...I got dizzy..."

You attempted to put your weight into your legs, but failed, sagging weakly against his broad frame.

Nurse Cha was already in motion.

"Help her to the bed," she ordered, striding across the room.

Namjoon wasted no time in scooping you up in a bridal carry to follow her. You gasped despite yourself, the sudden movement and his strength equally surprising. But every thought was fleeting as you found yourself struggling to maintain a grip on consciousness.

You felt Namjoon lay you gently on the bed as cold, sticky monitors were pressed to your skin; heard him ask the nurse what was the matter, his voice tinged with anxiety.

You heard him say your name.

And then you heard nothing.

You groaned as you came to. Your throat felt like the Sahara and your head was pounding. Pushing yourself to sit up, you became aware of the sound of voices on the other side of the curtain. Carefully drawing your legs to the edge of the bed, you clutched your IV stand as you struggled to your feet.

Pulling back the hanging divider, you were surprised to see Matt occupying the little couch, a cup of coffee on the low table in front of him. Namjoon sat in the opposing chair, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees in rapt attention as the older man spoke. It was dark out.

"Matt," you croaked, shuffling forward.

Namjoon's head whipped around at the sound of your voice and he sprang up, just a moment faster than his guest, striding over to take you by the arm. You faltered just a moment in your steps as his hand cradled your elbow and you felt it - his touch and what it did to you. You wanted to curl into him. You wanted him to hold you.

You gently tugged your arm away.

"You're awake - let me call the nurse," he said, almost to himself as he moved to press the red call button.

You sank down beside Matt.

"What time is it?" you asked in a husky murmur. Your friend checked his watch.

"1:33am."

You frowned, blinking blearily.

"What the heck are you doing here at the hour?"

"Well!" Matt laughed before taking a sip of his coffee, "It's nice to see you too."

"You know what I mean..." you grumbled, rubbing your eyes.

"He called me," he said, gesturing with his raised mug toward Namjoon, who had returned to the armchair. "Said you'd had a fainting spell."

Your eyes followed his motion to your soulmate, who was already scanning his over you, brow furrowed and full lips pursed pensively.

"How are you feeling?" Namjoon asked.

You huffed out a mirthless chuckle.

"Like I got hit by a freight train."

The worry lines on his brow deepened.

"Hey, look..." you held up a hand to wave it weakly between both men as they regarded you in apparent concern. "I'm probably just adjusting to the bond or something. Cancer isn't contagious, you know," you ribbed, shooting a tiny smirk at Namjoon who attempted to return the expression though the smile didn't reach his eyes.

The night shift nurse and an aid entered the room to assess you. Namjoon asked to speak with a doctor, and was told that Dr. Na would be checking in first thing in the morning. The nurse had very little else to report other than that your blood work had been sent to the lab and that they would be able to determine more once your results were available. He informed Matt that some charts would likely be available in twenty-four hours, but that your CMP could take up to three days. The aid urged you to try to get some more rest. Before departing, the nurse removed your spent sodium chloride drip and said that a meal would be sent up which you were advised to eat if possible, but to be sure to report any signs of food-rejection should they appear.

Namjoon stood and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck as he gazed at your little portion of the suit.

"They want you to rest, but how the hell are you supposed to sleep with me over here snoring? It's keeping you up, right?"

You smirked.

"Well, most of my rest over the last couple of days has been due to a lack of consciousness, but I do have to admit that you woke me up a couple of times last night."

Namjoon groaned discomfitedly.

"It really isn't a big deal!" you reassured him, "I'm a pretty sound sleeper."

"And still I woke you up."

"Don't worry about it..."

"It's not just that, though," he insisted, hands in the pockets of his sweats and head cocked to one side as he continued to consider the small space across from his. "You don't even have a window. If you want privacy, you have to sit behind that curtain in the tiny bed -- I hate it. I've hated it since they were first preparing for you to arrive. I'll make some calls tomorrow. You need your own room," he stated decidedly, returning to the chair across from you.

He fished his phone out of his pocket and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees as he fired off a message.

Namjoon did have a point, it was a pretty meager space you currently occupied. But they must have had a reason, you thought, for wanting you to share a room with him. And you didn't want to cause any kind of fuss in the name of personal convenience that might detract from his treatment or recovery.

"Namjoon, it's fine..."

He looked up at you, his brown eyes assured and determined.

"Just let me handle it. I've got you."

A sudden warmth spread through your chest like the rising sun on the frost of your anxieties, his gaze melting away the familiar worry of burdensomeness. You looked away shyly.

"Good man," Matt said to him with a nod, and they shared a look as your soulmate nodded in return that seemed to be one of mutual masculine respect. You wanted to roll your eyes a little bit. You also felt pretty damn grateful.

Matt stood to leave, pressing a kiss on your temple and promised that he'd return in the morning. He paused to shake Namjoon's hand.

"If there are any further developments, don't hesitate to call me," he said, to which the younger man nodded in agreement.

"Or I can call you!" you rasped after him as he raised his hand in one last gesture of farewell while shutting the door.

You huffed.

"Smart guy," Namjoon remarked, sitting back down in his chair. "You know he's read Toegye exhaustively?"

You raised a brow at him, your lips quirking with a wry grin.

"Two peas in a pod. He's probably going to be coming around here nonstop until he leaves just so you two can gab in genius."

Namjoon smiled and touched his fingers absently to his jaw, his eyes trained on the linoleum.

"Are you bothered that I called him?" he asked abruptly, glancing up at you.

"What? No, of course not," you reassured him with a shake of your head. "I just..." You rolled your eyes and smirked. "I'm not used to sitting around while boys decide what's best for me."

"Aaahhh," Namjoon responded with a nod, interlacing his fingers, "Well, you've been looking out for me since you walked through that door back there, and honestly, I could get used to that..." he leaned forward a bit, "But only if I get to return the favor. You said we don't owe each other, but that doesn't mean you get to be the only one doing the giving."

You stared at him. The only one to do the giving. The words jarred something loose inside you. You swallowed the strange feeling that threatened to well into your throat.

Before you could respond, an aid entered with your meal. A tray loaded with dakjuk, rice, and several banchan was placed before you. It smelled fantastic, and you actually felt you could eat. You moved to take the tray to your side of the suite but Namjoon stopped you.

"Hey, wait. I'm hungry. I'll eat with you."

He crossed to the other side of the room to pick up the telephone.

"Go ahead," he said with nod of his head a little grin, "Don't wait on me."

He didn't have to twist your arm. The chicken porridge was steaming and savory, warming you up within just a few bites. A similar tray soon arrived for Namjoon, and you found it did feel far nicer to eat with someone than alone.

Between bites he asked you about Matt.

"He's my dad's best friend. When he died - my dad - Matt and his wife Rebecca helped to take care of us for a while. They've been really good to my family."

Namjoon's face sombered.

"I'm sorry about your father."

You smiled softly at him.

"It was a long time ago, when I was ten. He was a firefighter."

He nodded quietly, giving you the opening to continue. You decided to take it.

"A fire broke out at a high-security prison. The situation got really bad with a lot of people still inside - prisoners. They told the team to stop attempting rescues, that it wasn't worth it, for people like that. But my dad kept going. Alone. He saved seventeen more lives before...well, he couldn't make it out."

When you looked up at Namjoon again his eyes were locked on you, his chopsticks resting idly in his hand.

"Wow," he murmured after a pause. "And you were ten years old? That must have been so hard."

You dragged your spoon through your dakjuk.

"It was. But managing things after he was gone...that was harder, I think."

Namjoon's brow knit in question but he didn't press you further. For the second time that night, you were grateful. Death was easy to explain, other things were much more difficult.

You finished the rest of your meal chatting about Matt, Neo-Confucianism, and unequivocal humanism between mouthfuls of rice and porridge.

The next day, you were moved into your new suite a few doors down. Namjoon had received no resistance from the hospital in procuring you the space, as apparently Hybe's representatives had been the ones to originate the request that you be at the idol's immediate disposal.

Your room mirrored the setup of your soulmate's, being on the same floor but across the hall, and Kang Dae had dropped in with a catalog stating that you could select whatever you wished to make the space more comfortable. You had circled a few things and he had departed to procure them. Matt had brought the bulk of your luggage, which meant a good portion of books, your art supplies, and finally more clothes which you would blessedly now have no worries of mixing up with Namjoon's. You changed into jeans and a comfy Nirvana graphic tee.

You were busy unpacking when a knock came at your door. You called for the person to come in while you continued to stack books onto a small set of shelves. The doctor had cautioned you and Namjoon against further skinship sessions until your blood work had come back, so you were anxious for the results, not wanting him to go through another bout of chemo without the aid of the bond.

When you glanced up expectantly, however, you found your curiosity would have to wait - at least, concerning your charts - as in the entry stood none other than Kim Hyung-seo.

She lingered in the entryway at the mouth of the space, her arms wrapped around her middle. She looked much more casual today in a pair of big baggy camouflage cargo pants, a tight black crop top, and chunky white sneakers. Her hair was pulled up into a bun, and she had black mask pulled under her chin. She was bare-faced, save for two small red dots under her right eye.

You stood from your crouched position, trying your best to keep the surprise from your face.

"Hi," you greeted her with a small smile, which she returned remorsefully, still hugging herself as she glanced around the room. "Would you like to sit down?" you offered, motioning to the furniture beside you.

She nodded, crossing over to take a seat in the little arm chair. You moved to sit across from her. Your first instinct was to offer her something to drink, only to realize you were in a hospital room with no way to deliver, at which you both laughed awkwardly. After a moment of tense silence, she looked up at you, gnawing her bottom lip.

“I owe you an apology," she sighed.

You gave her an encouraging smile.

"Fuck..." she dropped her head in her hands, and you waited for her to collect herself. Finally, she raises her eyes to yours, interlacing her fingers with their long white nails in her lap.

"What I did...what I said yesterday...I was cunt. I'm sorry."

You let out a little laugh at her choice of words.

"Well, I do accept your apology...but, don't be too hard on yourself. It was a really bizarre and unprecedented situation for all of us. I'm glad we're moving forward, and in a better direction."

You smiled again at her reassuringly.

She nodded, her lips pursed and quivering slightly. You could tell she was blinking back tears.

"Me and Joon...we'd only been engaged for a few weeks before we found out...you know, that he had a match. That it could be his only option to live - bonding. With you. It's just all really fucking scary."

You nodded sympathetically. She released another sigh as she continued.

"He had to decide so fast, they pushed him to just make this huge life commitment as fast as they fucking could and now..." She raised her arms, looking around the room in resign, "Here we are. And we have to figure everything out, and I'm about to leave and..."

"I'm sorry," you murmured sympathetically.

She looked down into her lap, worry still twisting her features.

You wondered why she was leaving, now of all times - when things were the way they were. But that wasn't for you to judge.

"You know," you offered hopefully, "At least he's on the mend. At least you know he'll have someone to look after him."

She hummed. You wondered if it was an agreement as her eyes flitted over your face searchingly. Anxiety from the previous day's encounter began to seep into your chest as you considered if you had chosen your words poorly. You had said what would have comforted you in under the same circumstances. But maybe you were different - too different.

You softened your heart, determined to reserve judgement. Life had given Hyung-seo had her own shoes, and you would do everything you could to understand what it was like to walk in them.

"Can I add you on KakaoTalk?" you asked, realizing you were still clutching a book, and setting it onto the low table to pull your phone from your pocket.

She was chewing on her lip again when you looked up. She stared down at the hardback.

"You read a lot, huh?" she asked, though it didn't sound like a question.

"I do," you answered slowly, wondering where her train of thought was headed.

"All that stuff you said yesterday, you seem, like really in tune with people. And smart. You guys are, like, the same."

She pressed the words out in a strained voice. She looked so small and so sad. Your heart sank for her.

"Namjoon actually said that very thing about you yesterday."

She glanced up at you in surprise and confusion. You smiled.

"He said that when you met he was struck with how much you shared in how you saw the world, and how you approached music."

She regarded you silently as you continued.

"And that's your life right, your great love? Music? What a wonderful thing, to base your life with a partner in a love you share."

She nodded slowly, her eyes watering.

"Thank you," she finally whispered, and you nodded in understanding.

You reached out to take her hand and she squeezed yours. After a few moments of silence, she rose and wiped her eyes.

"I'm leaving tomorrow and I want to see Joon again before I go," she explained.

You nodded.

"Thank you for coming to talk to me and for sharing about how this has been for you. I really appreciate it."

She smiled - perhaps genuinely for the first time since you met. It was a lovely smile.

You sighed as she left. It wasn't much, but it was progress. Maybe she would let you in. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard after all.

When several hours had passed with no updates on your lab results, you decided to take a walk down the hall to see how your soulmate was faring. You knocked on his door, but received no answer.

"Namjoon!" you called softly with another rap of your knuckles, but were still met with silence.

Just when you were about to turn and go, the door creaked inward on its hinges, slipping open to reveal your soulmate's tired face.

"I just came to see how you were doing...are you okay?."

You followed him as he slumped back into the suite, but before he could even reach his bed he turned and pushed past you to hurry into the bathroom. It caught you a little off-guard and you stumbled, catching yourself on the opposing wall, but quickly realized the reason for his urgency when sounds of retching followed.

The bathroom door was cracked open and you could see him hunched over the toilet, breathing heavily as his body wracked with each attempt to expel the contents of his stomach. You hesitated a moment, then pushed the door in slowly, coming to kneel beside him and gingerly place a hand on his back.

He raised his head, eyes fluttering when you touched him. You gently pulled your palm up and down his spine, feeling the warm surge of the bond even through his shirt. He reached for a piece of toilet paper to wipe his mouth.

"You don't have to do that..." he murmured, resting his forehead on his arm propped on the porcelain rim.

"I know," you answered quietly, continuing to slowly rub his back. "Can I put my hand under your shirt?"

"You're not supposed to be touching me until we know what's going on with you."

You slipped your other hand out to curl your fingers around his exposed bicep below the sleeve of his tee. He sighed, shoulders sagging as the comfort and warmth of the contact soothed his aching body.

"Can I?" you softly persisted, and he nodded his head where it laid against his forearm.

Slipping your hand beneath the baggy cotton you ran your fingers over his soft, taut skin, heart squeezing at the definition of his spine and the ghosts of his ribs.

"Did you do chemo without me?" you asked.

“I've been doing it before you got here, you know,” he retorted weakly.

"How are you supposed to gain weight if it makes you this sick? Please don't do it again without me."

"You passed out, Y/n," he shifted his head to look at you.

"We'll figure that out," you smiled, "But you need to be as agreeable to these treatments as possible, right?"

He nodded.

"Hyung-seo paid me a visit this morning," you remarked after a moment of silence.

"She told me."

"Said she leaves for her tour tomorrow. When does she get back?"

"February."

"Of next year?" You paused to temper your shock, "That's a long time."

"It's a world tour. That's how it goes."

"Wow."

You realized for the hundredth time in as many hours that there was so much about their lifestyle to which you were ignorant. You had so much to learn, but one thing you did know: he needed you right now, so you stayed by his side until the sickness had subsided.

Nurse Cha arrived shortly after to conduct routine checks on Namjoon, and you sat by, thumbing through the latest issue of Batman and Robin which Matt had been kind enough to drop off with your things.

"Your initial blood work came back with some concerns," she said, turning to you and picking up her tablet to access the results. "There are signs that your body's nutrients are being depleted. Since your fainting spells have been occuring during skinship, we ask that you refrain from touching until your CMP comes back."

Namjoon glanced over at you, a chiding expression on his features. You flatly ignored him.

"I need to be able to touch him, especially if he feels ill. He needs to keep down his food, right?"

Nurse Cha hummed, pursing her lips.

"Well, I'm going to run this by Dr. Na, but if absolutely necessary, keep it light and brief. And please be sure to document even the smallest instances of skinship so that we can track the effects."

You agreed readily, and she left to continue her rounds.

Glancing out the window, you noted that the evening was mild, and the gardens were aflutter with birds and awash in soft late-afternoon light. You thought about what the nurse had said before about the fresh air.

"Hey," you remarked, still looking out the window, "We should take a walk - it looks so nice out. You up for it?"

"Great idea," he replied, joining you to look out across the greenery. "I'm definitely feeling up for it." He huffed out a little chuckle.

"What?" you asked suspiciously. You were beginning to recognize his different laughs - this particular chuckle was always at your expense.

"Gonna keep pushing it with the poor nurse, huh?"

You scoffed.

"Well, if I hadn't would you be feeling well enough to go out right now?"

"No."

When you glanced up you found that he was gazing raptly at you, his face filled with unchecked thanksgiving. Your witty response faltered on your tongue.

His touch, you were pretty damn sure that for the rest of his natural life you would never grow used to it...but his eyes? It was almost the same. Was this part of the bond? Or was it just...him? Did everyone feel this way when he held them in those eyes? When he looked at them, really looked...

You couldn't tear your eyes away. You couldn't find words.

When Namjoon's phone suddenly buzzed you thanked almighty Samsung and sagged against the window pane.

"Damn," he muttered.

You looked at him questioningly.

"I have a consultation with my radiation oncologist in ten minutes. Go ahead! I'll meet you down there right after."

He pulled a sweatshirt over his head and changed his slippers out for his shoes.

You returned to your room to grab outerwear as well. The evening was temperate enough to go without, but you were feeling chillier than usual. You felt your phone buzz in your pocket.

Mom flashed across the screen.

Your chest tightened and you silenced the ringer. You'd call her tomorrow, you told yourself. Besides, she had already spoken to Matt.

When you reached the garden, you decided there was someone you should call while you waited. Ambling down a gravel path, you held the phone up to your ear, stuffing your other hand into the pocket of your jean jacket.

"Matt told mom that you passed out - are you okay?" Diana's voice on the other end registered genuine distress.

You rolled your eyes and sighed.

"I'm fine. My body is just adjusting to the bond and probably jet lag and whatnot."

"You better fucking be fine or I'm coming out there to make sure you are."

You laughed.

"To South Korea? On a Wednesday?"

"You know what I mean, god! You're so - hey! How did the fiancee thing go?"

"I knew you'd want an update."

"Spill."

You sighed.

"Uh-oh," she hummed, "That was your, things-are-an-effing-disaster sigh."

"It was no- why do you keep trying to divine my air flow like they're casting-runes or something? Will you just let me tell you?"

"You don't always say."

You huff in exasperation.

"Okay, well, I won't tell you what that sigh is," she mumbles in trepidation, "But I will tell you that I know enough to shut up and let you continue. Go on."

"It didn't go swimmingly."

"Fuck."

"Yeah,” You lifted your fingers to absently stroke at the petal of a rose. “She seemed very frightened by the whole situation, which is completely understandable. But then...she also kind of came at me. She started asking pretty intimate stuff about the bond right off the bat. When I tried to redirect by suggesting we get to know each other better she started saying all this stuff she already knew about me. About Dad and Mom."

"What?!" Diana gasped incredulously.

"It was almost as if...I don't know, I could have been reading her incorrectly, but it was almost seemed as if she was trying to bring things up that might knock me off my footing. Make me...insecure."

You suddenly remembered your conversation with Namjoon the previous night. He hadn’t let on that he had already known your father passed when you were a child...but he had known. Passing out during skinship had gotten in the way of the conversation you had intended to broach with him about knowledge of the other. You had done research before meeting him, but only the basics. You had felt that as much should come from him as possible. Clearly you hadn’t been given that opportunity.

"That bitch," Diana seethed, pulling your mind back into the moment.

"Hey, hey, hey," you cautioned her, "She's in a extremely difficult situation. And that was just my biased impression of her intentions. Don't be too quick to judge her, Di."

Diana hummed discontentedly.

"Also, she came to apologize to me today before she leaves on tour. We made progress, I think."

"Apologizing? Bare minimum," Diana said with an air of dismissal. "What did you say her name was?"

"Kim Hyung-seo. Her stage name is Bibi."

Diana was silent for a moment.

"Found her," she declared.

You smiled to yourself - of course she had found her, the woman was famous. It wasn't as if stalking measures were necessary (though you had no doubt of Diana's abilities should that have been the case).

Diana clicked her tongue in disappointment.

"She's hot."

"She is very pretty," you agreed.

"Yeah, but you're hot too. And, y'kow, you're you. Bet you're smarter..."

"Di," you said, stopping to pinch your brow, "We're not in some kind of competition. We're both just human beings navigating pretty uncharted waters, okay? We both have our strengths and weaknesses. She's going to be part of my life as Namjoon's wife, so not only is building a good relationship with her important to me, I have a responsibility to her as well. We all do. To each other."

Your sister paused on the other end before relenting sullenly.

"Yeah, yeah. I guess you're right - you do need to make nice with her...as long as they're married, that is..."

"DIANA."

"Okay! Geez!" Diana cleared her throat. "How is the soulmate doing?"

"He's getting stronger every day," you answered, happily moving the topic away from Hyung-seo.

"That's great!" she crooned.

"It is."

"Are you smiling? You sound like you're smiling."

"How are you doing, Di? Classes are starting soon."

You smirked as your sister's attention surged in a new direction, and for the next half an hour she regaled you with tales of her new housemates, and the smarmy and unseemly Johnnie (who had come crawling back, as predicted, upon returning to the States).

Upon hanging up with Diana, you checked the time, and discovered that it had been nearly an hour since you left Namjoon. You were starting to feel weak, and a bit cold - hunger, you told yourself - so you decided to return indoors for dinner.

You called Namjoon on the way up to the fifth floor to inform him if your change in plans. He apologized profusely, saying that the doctor had been detained, and asked you to join him for dinner.

Letting yourself into his suite, you shrugged your jacket off as you headed for your usual spot on the couch when, suddenly, you froze.

A man was rising to stand from where he had been seated on the sofa. He was clad in a dark blue button-down with a golden emblem on the shoulder and black slacks. He wore a black cap which bore a similar insignia to the one on his shirt and fit snugly over his short dark hair. He wasn’t as tall as Namjoon, though his shoulders were nearly as wide. His features were soft but arresting, and his deep brown irises, you thought, seemed to hold a bit of everything a pair of eyes could. Your comic book was in his hand.

You crossed the room toward him.

"Hi, I’m sorry, Namjoon will be here soon - oh, I'm his soulmate, Y/n," you stammered, before catching yourself.

The young man's sharp eyes widened, his lips parting as you bowed.

"Je ireum-eun Y/n imnida," you started over in Korean.

He bowed in return, raising his dark brown eyes to you again as he responded in a soft deep voice.

"Annyeonghaseyo, je ireum-eun Min Yoongi imnida."

98 notes · View notes

kowtownart · 7 months

Text

Hey everyone.

This isn't something I ever expected to have to talk about, much less even think about, but things are getting to the point where I felt like I needed to make this post.

Without getting into too much detail, a couple of months ago my Dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 stomach cancer. When we found out it was sudden and with no real warning beforehand aside from his health declining so suddenly that he had to go to the hospital, where he received his diagnosis.

With only myself and my brother working right now, money has only been getting tighter. The groceries have been getting more expensive and the bills are starting to pile up and eat away at my savings. I… really don't even want to think about the medical bills for his chemo treatments, when they finally start rolling in.

His diabetes has also caused a lot of issues to crop up during this, with his blood-sugar constantly having severe drops out of nowhere and staying low even with him eating and drinking to combat it. We've had to re-home most of our pets as well. Needless to say, this has all been very hard on my family.

Any help at all would be really appreciated. If you're unable to/don't want to donate, please reblog this and spread it around, it would mean the world to me. Thank you so very much for reading if you've made it this far, i appreciate you all so much and i hope you're having a good day.

-Lee

Redbubble _______________________________________ Teepublic

(Ps: I'm going to try my best to keep drawing and posting things here, drawing is one of the few ways i've been trying to cope with all of this, when i can get the motivation to draw at least. Requests are open still, but i'm not sure when i'll be able to get to them, if at all, i'm really sorry.)

#i don't really know how to make a post like this honestly.#So i'm sorry if it's worded weird or something #ko-fi #please help #please reblog #emergency donations #redbubble #Teepublic #I've had this in my drafts for a few months now #just tweaking and editing it and not ever feeling like it was the... right time to post it. So i guess i'll just do it now.#queued post

76 notes · View notes

hallaheart · 21 days

Text

evie

talking about pet loss

today is day 6, or day 7 from when we first learned the situation last thursday and made our decision to let go of Evie for her quality of life. Right now, we are doing as okay as we can be. Evie was a cat who was always around us or in our shadow, so her not being around hits pretty hard just because her behavior and where she liked to hang out was predictable. The situation was that Evie had a dental cleaning just before we flew to Philly for a good friend's wedding a few weeks ago. She has not been grooming lately, but we and the vet suspected it was because she needed a lot of dental work done. During the dental cleaning, they found a mass under her tongue and did a biopsy. When we got back we got the news that the biopsy revealed it was a squamous cell carcinoma which is a highly aggressive tumor and apparently the most common kind to affect kitty mouths. We met with a vet oncologist last Thurs who examined her and found that in just the time since the biopsy one week before that the tumor had actually grown at a pretty alarming rate. E was not able to eat or drink on her own almost all of last week and was hiding/not very active, though she still was sitting with us and purring with pets and love. The treatments available for the tumor were all basically pretty extreme….chemo pills (which she had to be able to swallow whole on her own, which she physically could not do) and a feeding tube. And we had a long talk with the vet who explained (really well) that basically any treatment would have the goal of just keeping her where she currently was vs it getting worse, and obviously… the place where she was was not a good quality of life. There was not any treatment for E that was actually a bridge to having a healthy cat back--it would just basically buy her more time at a really poor quality of life until eventually she would die in a lot of pain and suffering because she couldn't eat or drink. The week before was the most stressful week of my life because of how much I was worried about her not eating. She lost a ton of weight in just a few days. The choice of course is not easy, but there was no other choice we could make where we would have done right by her. So we talked with the vet and brought Evie home Thursday night and scheduled her appointment for Friday morning. We got one last evening with her and her last morning she hung out in all the sunniest patches of the house, even laying on her side for a bit and relaxing. She's only been kind of tightly loafing lately because it was obvious she was in a lot of pain, so seeing her relaxed just felt like... she might have known it would be over soon and could accept it. When we came back to the vet Friday and it was time, i was able to hold her in my lap for the whole time, in one of her blankies, as she fell asleep and then right up to the end. The moment was actually very peaceful and it felt right and beautiful that i got to hold her. they had a white noise machine in the room that i have at home, which i use every night, so i turned that on to the setting we use at bedtime, and we played Asleep by the Smiths and I held her so tight. She was so calm and peaceful, and I felt such a weight off my chest even though it was over. We were so lucky in many ways with this. We got a very certain picture of her diagnosis and her outlook for treatment, a really great vet staff who were compassionate, honest, and helpful in every step of the road and careful to explain everything to us. Most people don't have the luxury of one more night with their pets, or of knowing that the choice to put a pet to sleep is the only right one versus having to choose not to pursue expensive courses of treatment. It's been a weird couple days because occasionally i get so sad, but i also have not felt like the sadness was insurmountable

She was my best friend and my soul cat, she slept with me every night so the first night without her was so hard. I held the blankie so tight. This morning was tough because Luna has really seemed to realize that she's gone. She woke us up early and spent hours running around the house checking all the spots where Evie has been hiding while sick. This destroyed me. We tried to explain to her the whole time, because I don't know if she can understand us, but we try to explain it to her. It's been about 6 days now. It feels like a lifetime, and also like it just happened yesterday. There's two things that still punch me in the gut everytime--getting back and opening the front door and only having one cat run to greet me, and then going to bed every night alone makes me feel like I'm going to puke.

Losing Evie just feels so soon. It was such a fast decline from the biopsy news to the vet appointment to the final day. It sounds kind of bad--but Luna is so much older that i thought we'd be on this hell ride with Luna first because we've only had Evie for about 9 years and she was only about a year old when I got her. I wish she was with us longer. I miss her so much, but im also glad and honored that like, i could be the one to take on all the pain she was feeling so she doesn't have to suffer anymore... But it also really fucking sucks to lose my best friend no matter how hard I try to be stoic about it. Its been up and down, for a while im doing like so okay, and I forget, but then like I do a goofy run to the bathroom to shower, and forget that she wasn't there to chase me like she always does, and then I cry my eyes out in the shower.

She loved to sit on me while i was gaming on my laptop or during meetings at work. She always liked to scratch the back of my work chair and if I put my desk in standing mode or get up to go get a drink, i came back to her sitting in my chair like it was the throne. She loved to be on camera, so playing DND on Discord this week was so hard. I had a lump in my throat the whole time and it was hard to focus. Same with work meetings.

And it was so fast how bad she got? It was such a decline like just over the week in how she was feeling, and then it was so fast from the vet oncologist to the end, but also like... she was doing so bad Friday morning as far as eating/drinking that if i hadn't scheduled it already i would have called them and been like, we need to do it today. I couldn't bear another week of her not eating and hiding. She could hardly move or respond to things. There was a moment Thurs night that i got up in the middle of the night and i was a little afraid she was already gone, she was so still.

Evie and I had a bond literally almost from the first moment we met; we were visiting some cats because we wanted to get a buddy for Luna and we picked her up--she had just arrived in the shelter, and she put her chin on my shoulder, hugged me and purred like a 747. And that was just how she always was ever since, even at the very end she was so happy to be held and so at peace in my arms. Sharing the last picture I took of her the morning of. I love this picture. She was so relaxed that morning, enjoying watching the lizards outside from the sunniest patch. She laid on my chest and purred, like she always did.

the world is so much grayer without her in it

#pet loss #eviecat

10 notes · View notes

thegoodnaysayer · 4 months

Text

Well, this certainly isn’t something I had on my 2024 Bingo card, but yesterday I was diagnosed with colon cancer.

To keep a long story short, I’ve been dealing with GI issues the last few months, and on Friday went in get a colonoscopy, where a mass was found. A biopsy was taken during the procedure, which later confirmed the diagnosis. Blood work was also taken that day, and CT scans were then done on Monday, which, GOOD NEWS, both came back normal and showed no indication that the cancer had spread anywhere else.

My GI doctor referred me to an oncologist, who I met with this morning, and she then connected me with a surgeon who specializes in this sort of thing so we can take the mass out. The surgeon's office called later today and was able to get me in for a consultation tomorrow morning. The surgery will need to be done ASAP, so after that they'll be able to determine what stage the cancer actually is and what the next course of treatment will be, if chemo is needed.

The last few days have been a total whirlwind. Emotionally I’d say I’m doing fairly well, all things considered, but it’s still been rough. This whole process has been moving super fast, which I’m VERY grateful for, but that also means I’ve barely had time to really sit and process everything.

I’m extremely fortunate to have a great support system with my family and friends, and that my mom has been able to stay with me and accompany me to my various appointments.

So, that’s where I’m at now. Prayers and good vibes are much appreciated! I'm terrible at keeping up with social media, but I'll keep y'all posted, although I'll post more immediate updates on my Twitter (thegoodnaysayer) and Bluesky (bethanysellers).

#personal #cw cancer #cancer mention

13 notes · View notes

heyitssashag · 4 months

Text

This was my view of the sky at 7:30 this morning on my way to my CT scan. The pictures don’t do it justice. It was really beautiful.

My CT scan was quick. They actually got me in early and I was out in maybe 10 minutes. The only issue is that I needed contrast and they had to use my arm (not my port) so I bled a lot after. They had to bandage me up well. When I was done, my step Dad and I went for breakfast. I had French toast, bacon and eggs and it was delicious.

I was home early enough to take the kid to school. Then I went to Starbucks and enjoyed a decaf americano. I’m looking forward to our local cafe reopening from their seasonal closure in a few weeks.

When I got home, I worked on more paperwork, did some cleaning and prepared for my chronic conditions leader training workshop I was co-hosting this evening. The class went well and everyone seemed really keen to learn. I’m so happy I can do this and volunteer from home.

Then I finally finished my book!

I had a hard time getting into the first 1/3 but after that, it was awesome and could hardly put it down. It was basically a modernized fairy tale fantasy. Wasn’t scary at all. I haven’t read a Stephen King novel in maybe 25+ years (the last one being Misery). I forgot how detailed he gets but it was good …he can paint quite the picture with his descriptions. I really enjoyed it.

I had my chemo pills delivered today to start cycle 2. Last week I found out my tumour markers went up again (9 points). It’s not a huge jump but it’s high for me. So, I’m not sure how well this chemo is working (if at all) but I’m trying to be patient and giving it a chance. My white blood cell count (including neutrophils) are in the normal range which is weird, too. They’re the highest they’ve ever been since I started treatment. So at the moment, I guess my immune system is functioning again. Maybe I’ll go get a tattoo. (Not. lol.)

I’m really glad I decided to switch treatments when I did. I’ve seen situations where cancer patients have waited for more moderate (obvious) progression in their scans before changing. Then they discover the new treatment doesn’t work either. More time is lost and that’s when bones break or more severe progression happens. I want to know what I’m taking is actually working.

Being only 1 cycle in is usually too soon to tell but if I don’t see some numbers dropping and/or evidence of healing in my scans in the very near future, I will switch, again. The problem of wide-spread bone-only disease is it’s often hard to see progression until it’s gotten… well… really bad. I hate the anxiety that comes with this disease and the fear of the unknown. It’s always hovering over my head like a dark cloud. I’m trying to do all the right things and to stay on top of everything but it’s just so f*cking exhausting.

It’s warmed up and I’m back to walking everyday, too. Even if it’s pouring rain.

I’ve been pretty depressed lately but trying hard not to dwell, be grateful for what I have and stay busy/distracted. I also try to find things to look forward to. This week is Art Therapy. I’ve also booked a session with my favourite counsellor and scheduled the cleaners to come in. Nothing makes me happier than a home that’s spic and span.

#metastatic breast cancer #life update #blogging on my blog

12 notes · View notes

houseofbrat · 2 months

Note

Thanks for your answers!

Also, I have seen many suspecting that her problem could have been on the colon, but maybe it wasn’t there. Some think that maybe is in the ovary, and as far as we know, unfortunately such cancer has a high percentage of reoccurrence and more of its an adenocarcinoma, and the stage is also important to take in consideration (unfortunately the adenocarcinoma is very difficult to detect, majority is detected on late stages and only after a biopsy). So another possibility is that maybe they found a ‘high grade’ tumor (maybe in early stages or maybe not), and that’s why they decided to go for chemo, since it can have a very high possibility of reoccurrence.

Also, a question… if the cancer spreaded to the lymph nodes, you need to go for a second surgery? Or Chemo is the treatment?

That being said, I didn’t want to speculate, but yeah, I agree that something in that timeline is confused. I honestly hope that she isn’t with a very serious health problem tho, specially for her children’s sake. (I know you don’t care, but still)

I think there's something you're still not understanding.

When you have surgery, you have imaging done. The level of imaging that is available today gives surgeons and radiologists highly detailed images. The radiologist evaluates the scan and makes a report. Any suspicious masses are noted and measured by the radiologist for the report. The surgeon will read the report, but also look at the scans and come to their own conclusions. The surgeon and radiologist may look at the scans together and discuss.

Bottom line is, before surgery even happens, two different medical professionals have taken a look at your imaging to determine whether there are suspicious masses or not. If there are any suspicious masses, then the surgeons will tell you before surgery that you have suspicious masses that are likely cancerous and pathology will rule it in or out. To not do so sounds like malpractice. They tell you that they suspect cancer, and if it comes back non-malignant/benign, great. For example, a surgeon will tell you that "you have a suspicious mass of 2.5 cm in your descending colon that appears to be cancerous. Pathology tests after surgery will confirm or deny that finding." You don't go into surgery with suspicious masses without already having a discussion with the surgeon about the possibility of cancer. Unless your surgeon/doctor sucks, I guess.

This is what Dr. Reiner was getting at when he said that Kate's statement didn't "make a lot of medical sense." Surgeons know what they're cutting into. They know well beforehand whether the tissue they are operating on is cancerous or not. They don't just open people up and extract tissue for no reason.

As for your specific question regarding lymph nodes, if the surgery is planned out properly, they will identify any lymph nodes for removal prior to the surgery. For example, a man with a melanoma on his right shoulder may have a nuclear medicine lymph node scan done where the radiological marker is only injected into lymph in the area suspected in/near the right shoulder. Beyond that, it's going to be a case-by-case basis. Everyone is a unique snowflake. But generally, good surgeons & doctors aim to be prepared and get as much done in a single surgery as possible. Surgery is still trauma happening to someone's body.

#ask #my gif #medicine #kate middleton #Catherine The Princess of Wales

9 notes · View notes

yaskie · 1 year

Text

Another surgery, more Chemo

Dear Friends, I got most of my results today. And I got bad days sometimes. It's been how many months eversince I went home after a year of being in and out of HP, and been into ICU. I am in need of another surgery again to remove water in my lungs as it re-occurs almost monthly because of pleural effusion, infection. Which requires medical attention. I have this occurring condition because of my Treatments, and tumors are occurring all over my body and some of them are malignant which requires so much attention. My illness was earlier detected and in lower stages, and can be cured(I am praying always) to not advance, but it will take time as to how my body reacts. My lungs has a very bad history last 2018, and lately they have found something on my breast that needs further checking as well. My breasts hurts a lot. Unfortunately, the cost of the surgery and the mounting hospital bills that have piled up from my past hospitalization(2021-2022), have become an overwhelming burden for me, my friends and my family. We are also still grieving at the untimely passing of my niece 3 weeks ago. They have already exhausted their savings and are struggling to make ends meet. And also I've been a breadwinner of my Family for a very long time. They depend on me financially. Weekly Treatments are costly for me too as well. As we have a very bad healthcare system where I live. And despite having a job, it only pays me $250/monthly which is not enough, because I am renting an apartment. And have a caregiver to check on my welfare, as I have difficulties in movement and series of bad episodes. I am also taking care of my cats and dog,

I am also most of the time in an oxygen so that it will ease my breathing problems. I have bad days, but I am trying my best to ease the pain and smile everyday.💖💝 I am really ashamed to ask help once again, as you all know I made my Etsy store several months ago to help with my expenses, but Etsy permanently suspend it without any proper explanation, despite my appeal. The Laptop which I also use for designing is no longer working, and I need to redesign again to sell, to support my Treatment. I humbly ask for your support once again. As I need to have the procedure to be scheduled next week 24th of May. Update as of June: I am already home but unfortunately my bills have piled up again, and signed a promissory letter.

Please share this post, spread the word, this will help me a lot. Every contribution, no matter how small, will make a significant impact to me.

I am also starting to make an artwork to sell here on Ko-Fi once my procedure is finish. I might stay in HP for 4-5 days. Thank you so much for all the help! And I love you all!

For Donations $149 and above. If you wish to donate more than that please send them into parts(Ex.$300 = $100,$100,$50,$50), because Paypal will hold them usually for 10 working days. Thank you so much for understanding.

For Donors, you can send to me your screenshot of the amount that you have donated here: [email protected] and I will make a small gift for you, a digital art of dog or cat of your liking. Or if you have a tumblr please message me, and I will tag you of the art. It will take time for me to make them, and I ask for your patience about this matter. Thank you so much!

Sorry for tagging you all guys again, if you could tag any fundraising blogs and your friends here on Tumblr please do so. it will help boost my campaign. You can also share my link to your Social Media accounts, and if you can share this outside of tumblr. It will b a great help to me. @leonshin99 @shotce @thelovelywarriorsheart @sparkie96 @c1a1r3r3df1e1d @silvertonguelover @measurelessdreamer @fossil-finder @vietnoodle @irishspringyum @kevinbuiyin I am a Chreon and Geraskier fan as well. I have a small discord group and I appreciate for you to join if you can. It will be lovely to have more friends. DISCORD GROUP

#fundraising #surgery #chemotherapy #womens health #road to recovery #artwork

36 notes · View notes

arctic-hands · 2 years

Text

Right so this post was getting annoyingly long with constant reblogging of updates, so I'm compiling it all here. My eighteen-year-old cat Nerys has intestinal and liver cancer. She sees an oncologist an hour away on Monday the seventeenth, but she's so old and the cancer is most likely so advanced that chemo or radiation would do just as much harm as the cancer itself, and her regular vet estimates she has about six months until we need to make the call to put her down, and I'll need money for palliative care. The oncology visit alone is two hundred and fifty dollars alone, plus gas money and we'll have to drive on a toll road.

On top of that I just got back from the vet today (October fifteenth) who confirmed that the facial swelling my eleven-year-old cat Everest has is an aggressive face tumor. I left a message with Nerys's oncologist asking if we can take Everest to the Monday appointment too because time is of the essence, but they haven't called back yet. I'm expecting the visit to also cost two hundred and fifty dollars.

I don't know how much palliative care will be, and none of the charities I've found will do end of life care, euthanasia, or cremation. Everest might have a shot at a charity grant, but the largest I found (assuming he gets it) only covers two thousand dollars, and our regular vet said radiation treatment, which is most likely what the oncologist will recommend, will be eight thousand dollars (the rest of the charities only offer a few hundred dollars, and I'm not sure if you can apply to more than one).

Our vet told me to brace for Nerys's death, but Everest still has a fighting chance if I can afford whatever the oncologist recommends. I'll make a proper GoFundMe once I know what their respective prognoses are and how much it will cost to keep Nerys comfortable and how much with more certainty it will cost to get Everest treatment. Right now I just need to get them to the oncologist appointment.

I'm on maximum disabilty SSI, and that's only eight hundred and forty-one dollars a month. (Come January it will go up to nine hundred and something, but that's still not enough). I wiped out my ABLE savings just to get Nerys her cancer diagnosis (it was previously suspected to be feline inflammatory bowel disease, in checking for that they found the cancer), and I'm in desperate need of help for both of them. My friends raised a few hundred dollars which I think is just barely enough to get them to the oncologist, after weeks of constant vet appointments, having to pick up boxes of cerenia for Nerys (we decided against the human drug zofran) and now gabapentin for Everest.

The money is being collected by my friend and roommate, who has been a big help during all this but he isn't rich. His PayPal is [email protected], and his Venmo is etybolik.

Anticipating some concerns here:

Did you vaccinate your cats against feline leukemia? Yes, they are both vaccinated against feline leukemia and FIV, and up to date on annual vaccinations and well. Plus they're both indoor cats and even when I take Everest out on a harness I keep him away from other cats, so I don't know how it would have been transmitted to them anyway.

Why do you have two cats if you can't afford them? I've had Nerys since I was twelve and Everest since I was eighteen, at both times I was obviously being supported by my parents. After I moved out I was being helped by the above friend and roommate, and once I was granted SSI I was still able to afford to care for them, even getting them Science Diet to eat, and I had a tidy little ABLE savings for vet emergencies. But this is too big for most everyone to handle unless you're rich, and the savings has been wiped out.

How much money do you have already? After today's visit, I'm not sure. I'd guess somewhere in the three hundred range, but friend and roommate is not here at the moment to ask. I myself have three hundred something in my bank account now that must last me until the end of the month, most of which is dedicated to taking lyfts to the vet when my friend is at work and picking up cat medication, or to my own doctors' offices and sometimes the hospital, as I myself am very sick.

Why is the money going to your friend? The SSA is very strict about how much money SSI recipients have in their bank account. A penny over the two thousand dollar asset limit means they could cancel my benefits all together, and that could mean my life-saving Medicaid disappears with it. Friend/roommate has pretty much been coparent to my cats for seven years now and is in fact listed as co-parent on vet records, so I think it's alright.

Didn't you notice any warning signs before it got this far? Nerys has always had a sensitive tummy, on top of that she has always had pica and would eat any non-food she could get her mouth around (plastic, dirt, fuzz, things like that) and would immediately throw it up, which would happen about once a day. The vet was never concerned about this because some cats are just puke monsters, and we'd all rather she throw up whatever inedible thing she just ate instead of choking on it. I first noticed her throwing up more almost immediately after I had briefly switched to a cheaper food, and Everest was throwing it up too, so I just assumed they didn't like the change so I switched back to Science Diet. Everest stopped throwing up but Nerys was throwing up more than her usual self so that's when I got her in with the vet over summer and that's when they started testing for IBD. Also they had their regular annual vet visit in February and everything seemed normal. Nerys had dropped a few ounces but the vet didn't think to be concerned. On the Everest front, we first noticed scabbing on the left side of his face about four weeks ago, and as they spread (around that time we got Nerys's cancer diagnosis), we took him to the vet two weeks ago (with Nerys). It wasn't until that vet visit that we noticed the right side of his face was swollen, it was so fast we didn't even notice it the day before. The vet was hoping it was a tooth infection and gave him an antibiotic that would last two weeks that would have reduced the swelling by now but it hasn't, in fact that swelling has increased significantly, leaving the remaining answer a tumor. (We don't know what was causing the scabbing. He may have been clawing on his face in discomfort, but we were confused why it was on the opposite side. The scabbing has somewhat cleared up since I put them on a just-in-case prescription flea med about a week and a half ago, so it may have been fleas or an allergic reaction to fleas.)

How do you know Everest's tumor is cancerous? We don't at this point, that's why he needs an oncology consult and we'll go from there. That said, given how fast it's growing, my regular vet is almost certain it's cancerous.

Why are you going an oncologist an hour away? Our vet gave us a list of vet oncologists in Maryland, and I literally exhausted every one of them, starting with the ones closest to Baltimore. Either their oncologists left the facility, were on vacation, couldn't see Nerys until November (at which point regular vet said there wasn't much point in going to a specialist), or flat out never called us back. Luckily one of the offices I called had their own list of other oncologists, and literally the last one on the list was the only one who could see Nerys soon, within two weeks from calling. If that hadn't worked I would have had to call out of state.

Eighteen and eleven are pretty old for cats. Are you sure the cost of care is worth it? I think the oldest living cat in record is thirty-seven, and I was hoping to get the two of them to at least thirty. I've had them both since they were kittens (Nerys was adopted from a shelter at about six months, and Everest was a tragic saga of a feral cat giving birth in my grandmother's garage and then abandoning the litter at four weeks old. Everest was the only one to survive after I took them in, and that was with the support of my parents and quality care from my then-vet in Indiana). Despite some minor health issues (Nerys has had a small heart murmur for about seven years now and developed asthma around the same time, but the murmur never bothered her and she hasn't had an asthma attack since we moved out of our moldy apartment nearly three years ago. Everest has had a neurological illness called feline hyperesthesia since he was a kitten, and they found he had a small heart murmur at his visit two weeks ago, something he didn't have at his February checkup), they (even Nerys) are still very active, playful, and happy, so I'm not giving up on them yet.

Everest looks pretty fat, are you sure this isn't weight related? Everest isn't so much fat as much as just. Big. He was by far the biggest of his litter, which is most likely why he survived whatever illness/failure to thrive it was that killed his siblings. His father (another member of the semi-feral clowder in my grandmother's backyard) was also very large, tho I think Everest now is bigger than Diamond was when he was killed by a car at age three (this is why you should keep cats indoors). It's actually really funny he's so big, because his mother couldn't have been more than seven pounds. At any rate, none of our vets over the years have ever been concerned about his weight, he's actually rather healthily proportional to his height and length. Also he's dropped like a pound and a half since February, which his vet is very concerned about

Do you have any proof of your claims? I have some vet receipts, especially from today, tho think my roommate threw most of them away in a cleaning spell. I'll probably get paperwork detailing what's to be done on Monday, at least for receipts. I could show you photos of Nerys's weight loss and Everest's face swelling, but I'd much rather pay the cat tax with these photos in their prime:

[Image Description: first image: a small tabby cat on her back and upside down on a bed with black and white striped sheets. Second image: a large black cat with his eyes nearly closed as he gets both ears scritched at the same time. He is sticking his tongue out slightly in what is called a "blep". End I.D.]

#when it rains it freaking floods #vet bills #cat cancer #Nerys #Everest #cats #this ended up not being very consider but idc #please Tumblr don't eat this post #*ended up not being concise #image described

84 notes · View notes