if i had a nickel for everytime i decided to not continue watching supernatural yet a few weeks later resumed watching, i'd had too many nickels bc she is like my toxic ex

It is totally possible to be a Buddie endgamer AND still support Buck/Tommy. It's possible to never be shaken from your stance as Buck and Eddie being soulmates while supporting every relationship they have been in, regardless of how dysfunctional it was.

Here's my take:

I want to see both Buck and Eddie explore life and find their true paths independently of each other, Christopher, and the 118. They are more than just each other's best friend/coparent, Christopher's fathers, and firefighters/part of the 118 family.

Since we know there is a season 8, and I would guess a season 9+ if these ratings keep up, it would be awesome to watch a full season, or more, of character evolution. We could watch Buck dating both men and women openly, learning his value, and discovering what he wants for his future.

Buck, as Bobby pointed out, doesn't enter into relationships of his own accord. He stumbles and falls into them without a clue how he got there. One day, he wakes up and he's someone's boyfriend or living with someone and isn't sure how it happened. Buck simply goes wherever someone will accept him. He misconstrues that acceptance and tolerance as genuine romance, feelings, and love.

Abby was bored and lonely and horny. I could say a lot about that relationship. If the motivation strikes, I may post about how that relationship was toxic and manipulative on Abby's part. If there are any Abby fans, you need to know your girl was showing some tendencies that were red flags.

Ali? Buck was single. She showed interest. That's it.

Taylor? Great sex and she kept coming back to Buck. She was there for all the wrong reasons and had questionable morals, but she was there. That was enough for Buck.

Natalia, again, was simply in front of Buck. She was obviously only interested in Buck's death, not Buck as a person, but Buck didn't care. He tried to make it work anyway because Natalia gave him time and attention.

So, we have an established pattern of Buck dating whoever will give him the time of day when he needs it most.

Enter Tommy. Buck is feeling left out. He's probably slipping into loneliness and spiraling because he feels the most important person in his life for the last six years is being taken away from him. (That's Eddie, for those in the back.)

Tommy shows up, sees Buck is spiraling, and kisses him. (Tommy fans, canon has established that Tommy has bad guy capabilities. Stop trying to gaslight the fans who are saying he may not be the good guy his sudden fandom claims he is. He isn't and Hen and Chimney forgiving him doesn't change that. People who are capable of consciously being a-holes are just a-holes. Mmkay?) He doesn't just hit on Buck. He physically initiates contact, giving Buck no doubt the man is open to other men. He showed Buck attention in a moment of crisis and he's a safe option after Buck openly admitted he was jealous and trying to get attention.

Buck stumbles into the next relationship. (Again, I could examine that situation, but if I do, it will be in a separate post.)

The show could give us Eddie admitting he let the expectations and influences of third parties control his destiny and he has no idea who Edmundo Diaz really is outside of what was expected of him, what he was taught, and what he did out of a sense of duty instead of doing what he wanted to.

He was with Shannon because she was pregnant and the right thing to do, per their parents and his faith, was marry her. I think he loves her for giving him his son, but nothing he has ever said or done indicates he was in love with her. I think he thinks he was. I think he wanted to be.

He was with Ana because Christopher needed a mother, per what he was told and taught, and she had an impressive resume and knew Christopher.

He is with Marisol because she fits the perfect mold of what his parents would like and she gets along with Christopher.

Should we talk about Eddie's relationships timing up perfectly with when Buck enters a relationship? No?

That man has never once in six seasons made a believable statement about genuine attraction to or sexual enjoyment with women. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have straight male friends who are in their 20s or 30s, you know you will be subjected to more details about their sexual history than you ever wanted to know. (Many of my close friends historically have been straight men. Conversations with them have been interesting and eye-opening. Sometimes traumatic, too, but I knew what I signed up for when I became their friend.)

Eddie canonically is in his early 30s and has been on the screen since his late 20s, but went without sex for years, never seemed to miss it, and now he's suddenly "pent up"? That is not the whole story and there is more going on there.

I'd love to see Eddie figure out he isn't into Marisol and hasn't been into anyone genuinely, except maybe Shannon. There could easily be a demisexuality arc for Eddie. Keep in mind, the term demisexuality was coined less than 20 years ago and is still not widely known. Eddie could spend a season, or more, working through the feelings he's ignored or been unable to put into words, dealing with overbearing parents, and how his faith has quietly, and unbeknownst to him, guided his choices. He could spend a long time wondering why he never feels an instant connection with anyone, except Buck and Tommy. (You seeing a pattern here?) This season has openly pointed out Eddie is in therapy.

The road to Buddie can be filled with satisfying detours, aka other relationships, leading to the realizations that open their eyes to each other. We don't have to negate the Buck and Eddie's experiences with others to support Buddie.

The part of me that wants instant gratification would love to see Eddie and Buck dancing at Madney's wedding and figuring out they are what they have been looking for all along. Cut to them in a room going at it.

But, the part of me that loves a great story, and doesn't mind waiting if the writing is great, is fine with a slow burn that gives us deep storylines and episodes that grip you from beginning to end. Let's say we have the rest of season 7, season 8, and maybe a season 9. There would be so much possible material.

Buck could go through a relationship with Tommy, a breakup, confusion, dating again, multiple amazing conversations with LGBTQ characters like Hen, Karen. This would also allow for giving other characters more depth, backstory, and more time on-screen. (This would be an amazing time to bring back Rockmond Dunbar as Michael and have him and Buck discuss figuring your sexuality out later in life!)

Eddie could spend that time working through his Catholic guilt and separating his actual needs and desires from what he was taught to need and desire. He could realize he makes excuses to stay with the women he dates then finds an excuse to escape when being with those women gives him anxiety. He could begin questioning if he is gay, bi, pan, or what. Then he could ask himself why he never really gets to know the women he dates. Who has he been close to? What was different? What gives him a feeling of safety and security and home? He needs to figure himself out.

So, yes, I do believe Buck/Tommy is acceptable and I support it, just not as endgame. I think, if written well, it could be integral to a great growth plot that takes us through Eddie and Buck diverging on their paths to self-discovery only to converge later on, a little more scarred but more in tune with themselves, to see their future in each other.

Moving Forward

Hello everyone. It’s been a long time since I’ve last spoken to you all, and an even longer time since I’ve last updated this story. Over the months and years, my absence has saddened, frustrated, and even angered many of you. Despite my own valid feelings of how—to put it bluntly—I don’t owe any of you anything as this is something I do for free and in my own free time, I still recognize how it must feel for you all to see something you enjoy so much slowly lose momentum and eventually grind to a halt. Furthermore, my habit of making enthusiastic yet empty statements in between didn’t help either. 

As such, a proper and honest explanation is due, as anything less would be unkind. This will be lengthy, but please bear with me. 

For the past four years, it’s been increasingly difficult to find the time, energy, and motivation for me to properly sit down and write. Seemingly gone are the early days of this story’s life when I was able to publish a new chapter every month or so, or even every two weeks when I was at the top of my game in terms of activeness. Even though I had an immense workload due to being a double major in college, leading me to adopt the best work ethic I’ve ever had, I still led a sheltered lifestyle where I didn’t have to worry about the many looming, inevitable adult responsibilities that were ahead of me.

Those tranquil years of course came to an end when I graduated, and I soon felt immense pressure to shift my attention to finding work, living independently, and working on things that would further my career. While I received support as an aspiring writer from the majority of my family, those being my mother and sister, the both of them commented more frequently as time passed by that my “fanfiction” wasn’t something that I should be spending so much time on anymore. After all, it’s not like I could sell the work as my own, and the fact that despite fanfiction absolutely being a valid artform, it wasn’t something that the world of professional employers cared about. 

Nonetheless, when I did eventually find work as a film freelancer, I still tried to persevere and write on the side. My goal back then was to work in film in order to sustain my pursuit in writing. Film was something I went to school for, greatly enjoyed, and even saw a possible future career for myself in, but it was the writing aspect of it that I was truly after, that being primarily screenwriting. 

After two years of living at home, I felt the need to try and live independently as I outgrew my tiny room and my mom started dating a man that I didn’t particularly like. I knew it wasn’t financially smart of me to do so when my mom allowed me to live with her rent-free. But at the time I thought that it would help me to become more mature and productive, as I would have to force myself to work in order to put a roof over my head and food on the table—as opposed to living a sheltered life at home where everything was taken care of for me. Essentially, I was longing for the lifestyle I had in college, thinking that once I returned to it, I would be able to reacquire that once incredible work ethic I had. 

So, I became roommates with a friend from college and together we rented a townhouse together. Rent wasn’t terribly expensive, but it wasn’t cheap either. Regardless, I was able to make ends meet. My greatest challenge however, was to live up to my family’s spoken and unspoken expectations. On one hand, my mother was sweet and understanding, naturally giving me her full support. My father, on the other, always thought that it’d be better for me to pursue something safer and more lucrative, and to not risk being a starving artist. But the one I had to prove myself the most to was my older sister, who was wildly more successful than I was—financially and professionally. My pay compared to hers was like a drop in a bucket, and I felt both indirect and direct pressure from her to be more “professional” like her. Therefore, I threw myself into my work, which is when things slowly began to go downhill. 

As a film freelancer, my work hours usually averaged between 10-12 hours a day, and with my work taking me all over my home state of Maryland and even into neighboring Washington DC and Virginia, my commute time to and from work ranged anywhere from an additional 1-3 hours. It became incredibly common for me to wake up for work anywhere between 3-6 AM and not get home until 8-10 PM. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I slowly slipped into a routine where when I did have the “time” to write, I had zero energy or motivation as my work was so taxing. I reached the point where I had to drink two energy drinks with 300mg of caffeine to get myself to and from work. I saw less and less of my roommate and friends. I spent an alarming amount of money and gained weight from ordering take-out so often because I hadn’t the energy to cook for myself when I got home late from work. There would even be days when I fell into what felt like comas, sleeping up to two days straight at one point. My physical, mental, and emotional health was in serious decline. And yet I didn’t see it that way, as I had become obsessed with trying to prove to my family, my sister in particular, that I wasn’t a failure and that my pursuit of writing wasn’t a hopeless one.

During the first month of COVID-19′s outbreak last year, I finally had a much-needed vacation. This was undoubtedly the best time for me to have returned to writing—but I didn’t. At this point, so much time had passed since my last proper writing session that the few times I did try to write, I found myself completely unable to write anything. I was so out of practice and so out of touch with what I had written. This honestly frightened me, and I soon began to doubt if I could ever be able continue the story with the same quality that so many readers fell in love with. Regrettably, I fled from this revelation long enough for a full month to pass by, and I soon found myself busy with yet another distraction: unemployment. 

I was out of work for about 4.5 months, from the middle of March to the beginning of August. During this time, I had to rely on state unemployment, which earned me great scorn from my older sister. Our relationship had always been uneven since we were kids, but it was becoming increasingly toxic as of late since our college years. I felt so ashamed to tell her how much money I made in a year from my job as a film freelancer, and how I barely managed to move to a better position after four years of work. Riddled with guilt and disappointment in myself, when work became readily available again in August, I frantically threw myself back in harder than ever before. In the past where I had turned down the occasional job to give myself some time to relax or in order to make it to a social outing with friends, I now accepted every job thrown my way, only declining those that would make me double-book myself. I earned a lot of money during those months as a result, and I was so happy to finally distance myself from the stigma of being “unemployed.” However, I once again failed to see that I was yet again sliding back into the lifestyle that had been slowly poisoning me for the past two years. 

After essentially working non-stop from August to March, my body, mind, and soul soon returned right back to the brink of collapse. It wasn’t until then at my lowest point when I finally realized how I initially went from working to sustain myself in order to write, to not writing at all and only working to sustain myself to work even more. It was truly scary to see myself fall victim to a brutal cycle of unfulfilling work that could have trapped me for years to come if I hadn’t broken free first. That’s when I realized that my lifestyle was personally unsustainable, and that something had to change. 

Henceforth, I’ve made the difficult decisions to both transition out of film freelancing and to soon return home to live with my father. At the end of April, the homeowner of the townhouse my roommate and I had been living in for close to three years gave us our 30-days-notice to vacate, as they no longer wished to rent but to sell the property. As my roommate had been planning on finding a place of his own with his girlfriend for quite some time, we split amicably at the end of last month in May and I’ve since moved into a temporary apartment with a friend who has traveled back to Maryland for seasonal work. 

Regarding the change in my career, I’ve been looking into applying for writing positions for something that I’ve grown to enjoy over the past few years, which is to write reviews for media such as film, anime, and videogames. This of course is not what I truly want to do in life, but I think that because it actually involves writing, it would be both good practice in terms of practicing my writing and experience in terms of resume-building. Furthermore, a stable “9-5″ job as such would be good for me, I think, as it would introduce some desperately needed structure back into my life. Being a freelancer was definitely fun as I had the power to choose my own schedule, but it unfortunately fostered a lot of laziness and procrastination when I wasn’t completely burnt out. 

I’ve shared with you all this information, a great deal of it being very personal, in the hopes that it helps you better understand who I am as a person and what I’ve been going through these past four years. 

I understand that my word may be difficult to trust due to my history, but I sincerely wish to let you all know from the bottom of my heart that I do plan on continuing writing The White Rose of Vermilion until it’s completed. My fears and insecurities may have alienated me from that promise, but not once did I ever entertain the idea of fully dropping the story. And I promise you, I never will. It most likely will not further my career in any way, bring any revenue in, and will continue to consume a great deal of my precious free time—yet I still choose to pursue continuing it because I can’t see a future where I don’t finish it.

It is after all my most cherished project; the reason that I was able to truly find my calling as an aspiring writer, its success also ultimately being the proof to my mother that I had some skill as a budding writer, who then gave me her full blessings to pursue it as a career. But most important of all is that it’s the reason why I was able to experience first-hand one of the most important and beautiful discoveries in my entire life. That being the incredible phenomenon of how art is like a beacon—its bright light is powerful enough to reach out and inspire others to create art of their own. From Monty Oum to Nancy Phetchareune to myself, I was blessed enough to see readers create wonderful fanart to show me or tell me in a review that reading my story had inspired them to create something of their own.

I am officially leaving behind my prolonged hiatus and returning to working on The White Rose of Vermilion. While I am extremely hesitant to even estimate when the next chapter will be published, please know that I am genuinely trying to leave behind my habits of old and returning to a more consistent schedule. 

The White Rose of Vermilion will return in:

Arc II, Chapter Twenty-Seven: Stranger in the Night

More sugar rush striker au?

((I know this took forever to answer and I apology

If you don’t follow the sportball I am sorry for writing about soccer. If you do follow the sportball I am sorry for calling it soccer shfgjk))

~~~

There are a lot of cursed numbers in the world that evoke negative emotions. 13 is a common candidate, 666 if you’re particularly concerned about demons, 69 and 420 have their internet infamy. But for Nora, those could not possibly compare to the pure, distilled wrath she felt in her heart for a particular sequence of numbers that had been parroted by Coach Ozpin all practice:

5-4-1.

So, she could understand it a little bit. The current varsity team was basically overflowing with defenders, though none of them were particularly good, so, yeah, put an extra center-back out there. But...one forward? Just one?

For context, in seasons past, the Beacon High School Varsity Soccer Team would field a good ol’ 4-4-2: four defenders, four midfielders, and two forwards. For the previous two years, those two forwards had been Nora, and her teammate Ruby Rose. They got along just fine, not too concerned about one another since neither of them were ever in any danger of losing their status as starters. No one at Beacon was as fast or as skilled as them with the ball at their feet, and if Nora had to guess, 9 out of every 10 goals the team ever scored were either hers or Ruby’s. They did not exactly get along with each other, but if they were getting playing time and opportunities to score, they could be tolerant of one another.

But now, with this ingenious new formation Oz was implementing, that meant only one of them could start, while the other would spend most of the match sitting on the bench with the other substitutes. The thought of having to do that made Nora’s blood boil, and so there was only one option—outdo Ruby in every way imaginable. Stay late after practice, practice twice as much on the weekends, and get in Oz’s ear about making her the starter every week.

But she knew Ruby would be doing the same. If she knew anything about her, it was how determined she was to be the best. And yes, that meant being better than Nora. Especially better than Nora.

She was fine with that, of course. That would only motivate her even more.

“If we scored a goal, I scored it. If I didn’t score it, I assisted it. If I didn’t assist it, we never scored in the first place.”

Nora really wasn’t surprised to see Ruby here too. Of course she was going to start training after school twice as often, just like she was. Once Nora returned from refilling her water bottle at the water fountain down the hall, she reentered the locker room to see Ruby still in her practice attire. She wore a dark red shirt and white shorts, red socks over shinguards and bright red boots. Her medium length black-and-red hair was held back by a thin headband. She passed by Nora, leaving the locker room just as she was entering. She exchanged a look with her, but said nothing. The tension was so thick Nora could practically feel it lingering in the air around her. Fair enough, she thought. They didn’t need to talk to know what was going on—they were teammates, sure, but now they were rivals, two star players fighting for one starting spot.

It was an overcast and cool afternoon, and it would probably rain soon. Nora had no intentions of letting that stop her, though. They don’t call off matches for rain, so why should she call off practice? She was working on set pieces, setting up the yellow metal free kick dummies side-by-side to serve as a wall of defenders. Her and Ruby often split free kicking duties whenever a foul was called during games. It was a perfect starting point for trying to outdo her.

After she got the dummies set up, she looked across he field to the other end. She saw Ruby doing a dribbling course, orange cones strewn about. She moved so quick and precisely, and the ball followed her like it was magnetically attracted to her feet. She turned corners, doubled back, turned toward her goal and struck the ball. It bounced off the crossbar and rocketed up into the air. Ruby watched it reach it’s apex, and as it fell back down toward her, she leapt up, twisted herself in the air, and swung her upper body sideways, striking the ball with her forehead. Right into the inner side netting of the goal. A goalkeeper would’ve been helpless to save such a perfect header.

Ruby landed, and stood with her hands on her hips, as if admiring her work. Then she turned and looked over her shoulder towards Nora.

Nora realized then that she’d been staring for a while, and she looked away quickly, trying to act natural as she paced away from her own goal to practice her free kicks. Her face burned despite the cool faint mist that had begun to blow through the air as the storm clouds drew closer.

Nora thought back to when she was a kid, how she’d watch pro soccer on TV no matter who was playing. She could remember always picking out a player and watching them the entire match. Even if they were nowhere near the ball, if they were on screen, Nora watched them, studied the way they’d pick and choose their positioning, their pace, their runs. One day, she watched a women’s club match. She couldn’t remember anything about it, who the teams were or how significant the match was, except for the way the match ended. It was in the 90th minute, score tied at 2 all, and the player she’d been watching the entire time stood in the penalty box as a teammate took a corner kick, sent the ball her way, and she seemed to soar through the air like a superhero, literally head-and-shoulders above everyone else near her. She headed the ball with such force and accuracy that it shot into the upper corner of the goal. The goalkeeper didn’t even move, because the goal was practically scored the moment the star striker touched it.

To this day, Nora didn’t know who that player was. She had been seven years old at the time and didn’t get the chance to catch her name. But even all this time later, that one goal inspired her. Of the thousands of goals pro players score around the world every year, that single one was the reason why Nora was here on this pitch today. For that reason, she simply started calling it The Goal. It was that important to her.

And as she lined up to take her first practice free kick, she froze. She looked back over towards Ruby, who had resumed her dribbling drills.

When Ruby had headed the ball just now, it looked eerily similar to The Goal. Nora remembered, the woman who’d scored The Goal had black hair, her shirt was red. Nora was certain that she even wore a thin headband like Ruby’s.

Ruby had unknowingly recreated the singular formative moment of Nora’s football fanaticism, practically alone on a high school field. Like it was nothing. For no one to see…but her.

Nora hated this feeling, and she knew it all too well. Who was she kidding? Ruby had always been better, she’d always been the ace. And Nora knew this, because how could she be better than someone that she couldn’t help but look up to?

She shook her head and gritted herself, feebly trying to focus back on her training. She approached the ball set in front of her and struck it.

It bounced off a yellow dummy’s chest and rolled right back to her feet.

“…Fuck.”

~~~

Introducing the Sugar Rush Striker AU

Breanna!! major spoilers below

I love that Parker is trying and failing miserably at teaching thief skills because she doesn’t know how to teach this particular student yet.

Harry’s first Leverage-client meeting! And Parker upset that Sophie is taking back the lead, a role that Parker isn’t ready to entirely hand over to Sophie.

Also poor Breanna, she thought she did well on the ‘follow the money’ but came up waaaay short. It’s like showing up for the first class of college thinking it’s just going to go over the syllabus except per the professor’s email there’s already homework due.

Oooh, game of nose-goes? What’s the role that Harry’s going to play that the other’s didn’t want? It can’t just be to avoid playing Sophie’s fake-husband.

“I’ve lose track of the marraiges but I only had one husband.” Where’s my fanfic of all the women Sophie married in her past?

Hahahahaha Breanna managed to pickpocket Harry but she got pickpocketed by Parker. And I love the explanation of “I’m Parker”.

“Get him with a misdemeanor.” Oh Breanna Breanna Breanna. Those can be bribed out of. And oof, Harry’s a bit mean about the whole ‘they don’t care and bribe their way out of trouble’ bit, meanwhile Eliot is very matter of fact. I hope Brianna finds her footing pretty soon.

"I assume it’s rather difficult to rob a casino in general?”/“Eh, kinda.” LMAO PARKER. Also!! Did the Leverage writers finally get to write their casino heist story?

That ‘clothes in trashbags from couch to couch’ sounds like something’s Breanna’s done. Felt a little too throw-away-y for it to not be from her past.

“Hardison used to get me the job. And sometimes, a 401(k).” AMAZING. I love this detail.

Etouffee and jambalaya Brick&Basil truck! “The crescent city’s best local food truck” I love that little sign on the side.

“Huh. I couldn’t find the ‘Get Eliot a 401(k)’ section in the manual.” Omg the manual referenced earlier is for Leverage-thievery-stuff, not just hacking stuff. And of course Hardison would leave a (15 volume) manual for his little sister.

"You can’t plan a grift with a flow chart.” You can if you’re Parker and the flow chart is flexible enough.

“Parker, are you using a flow chart for all your interactions?” Oh no. But at the same time, a sideways callback to how Sophie was using grifting tricks on the team/Nate just because she could.

Parker does a great southern bell accent.

“Renegade. That’s what they used to call me on the job.” Amazing.

“I didn’t put police on your resume!” Oh Brianna, there’s all sorts of reasons someone would leave a job off a resume, he’s just gotta go with one that’s not “it was too long ago”

“Where were you stationed?” Hm, and this is for a casino job? Shreveport. Has to be.

I’M RIGHT

“I don’t miss.” You are going to miss, that’s definitely a Special Disc. And... he misses.

Chaudry’s an attractive looking bad guy.

Parker and cereal!

Oh and Breanna can’t stand the temptation. Also that pearl for whatever reason looks fake, though that might be because I’m more used to fake pearls.

I bet Old Cop’s spreadsheet is gonna be important later.

“I told you not to do it.”/“You would’ve.” Yeah but Parker would have waited, not gone for it right then and there. But Parker doesn’t feel the need to prove herself. Breanna does.

And Sophie keeps it from spiraling out of control by being very matter of fact - they’ve all messed up, but Breanna’s mess up makes her recognizable, so she’s off the front lines for the con.

Breanna leaves out of frustration, only none of the three others notice. Hm. Is she going to go get into some more trouble? Oh, no, she’s gone to be alone out in their hideout’s courtyard.

“Let me guess, you’ve come to make me feel better.”/“Oh, I think I’d be about the worst person in the world for that job.” At least Harry knows his strengths and comforting others is not one of them.

“Oh, poor baby, all you have is money and good looks and privilege and access.” Ah, this is not just about having to be sidelined for this con.

“And what about you, seems like you could do just about anything and all of its scary, what do you want?” And Breanna’s obviously feeling a bit down on herself, but rather than follow her into that mood Harry turns it around on her, pointing out that she is ridiculously talented and can do a lot of things, she just needs to decide what she wants to do with those skills. Does she just want to fool around and mess up and have fun? Does she want to work? Does she want to laze about? Does she want to improve on the skills she has? Does she want new skills? Because each one of those takes her on a different trajectory with Leverage and the team.

“I want the world to stop sucking. ... This team, it says it can make a difference. Okay, fine. I’ll give it a shot. Because I love my brother, and because I’m desperate, not because I believe in hope or something stupid like that.” I love her character motivation speech here.

I’m laughing at Parker getting frustrated because she can’t hide the money fast enough. And then she figures out a way, but they’ll have to make the dress bigger. (Oh, are they going to get the client involved with the dress design? That’d be cool!) And Parker and Sophie have a little talk about how Breanna wants to impress and that Parker’s going to have to teach her. And a reference to how the og team helped everyone on the team get better.

Now that is an amazingly poofy dress. I love it.

They did get the client involved with the dress alterations!! Yes!!

Eliot and Old Cop having cake together. And that’s gotta be some good cake with Eliot genuinely complimenting him.

Oh dear, Parker’s flowchart is getting caught because she’s sticking to it a little to hard, not letting it flow around her. It feels like she should be better at this though, with the 10-odd years that she’s had to do this without Sophie. But this might be more her falling back into old patterns, just like Sophie falling into patterns on leading the cons.

Ooh okay these guys are in on the con. Wait I should know these people?? I... don’t think so but maybe?

Flounce, flounce, kick

Oof. Too much money to carry out. Way too much. And Russian mob. (Is it a very distinctive tattoo Eliot?)

Okay the con’s gone off the rails, so it has to be rescued somehow. Breanna’s figured out a way (“did the math twice”) though everyone waits for Parker’s okay to go through with it. I don’t know exactly what it is - sink the vault into the river? Plant it on various gamblers? Make it seem like Chaundry was stealing from himself? But it rests on Breanna being right and not just showing off. But Parker’s seen that when Breanna’s under pressure - not fake 'practice’ pressure, the real stuff - she can perform, its just when she’s trying to impress that she fails.

“You cut your way through an ice cave. You escaped a gorilla enclosure. And you catered a wedding for the mob.”/“It wasn’t catering. It was a food sensory experience.” Is that a reference back to season one? If not, I really want to know more about that not-catering job!

Oh no!! Old Cop took a hit for Eliot. And as soon as the mafia goon is taken out, Eliot takes time to make sure Old Cop is all right. (If they mess up the con, the family loses the house but they can if needed con Chaundry again and get the house back. If Old Cop dies they can’t get him back.)

Okay Breanna at least has to know the baddies see real camera footage again, right? And Eliot seemed to almost deliberately not-quite look at the camera. They’ve got to be counting on the bad guys finding out and hitting the emergency lock.

All the money’s gone! But... how? Did Parker take Eliot with her into a vent? Fake wall?

Oh sir you are not good enough to accuse Sophie of having conned you without her turning it right back around on you. And she gets a one-person gloat too.

Lol and the pearl is gone.

Squish? Oho. They went through the floor and down the river.

Aww, Breanna’s joined Eliot on the ‘receiving end of Parker’s too-hard physical affection’.

“That was ... my cake, Parker! He made it special for me!” Methinks Eliot doth protest too much about him and Old Cop not being friends.

“I want to take on the bad guys. I have to learn everything.” ‘Have to’ is an interesting choice.

“Parker. My first memory is of 9/11.” Whereas that’s my.... 9th? 10th? grade math-class memory. Breanna's grown up in a very different world from Parker and Hardison - probably Eliot’s background is closest to hers.

And.... Parker how did you steal that pearl? Is this an exercise left to the viewers or a bit of ‘it’s tv, we’re having fun’? (Or both!)

Welcome to 2021

Ver. 2.1 - Ok. February but still, here we are. “Behold it’s me” as Logic would say. [...] I’m sorry I’m a bit shook because I started to write at 10:01AM, and it’s precisely 12:07AM, I was progressing pretty well in the process of writting and then I made a bad move and lost everything I wrote. I’m kinda mad. Really, I was this 👌 close to give up on writting it, and you can notice that the pixels are touching. But I guess the “I said I’d do it, so I’m going to do it” mentality is taking me places, once again. Even if I have to start again (that's called mental strength, take notes). And I said I’d write it baked so here I am, baked and hella motivated to do it. So, W shouldn’t help me reminding me what I wrote in the first version but nevermind. So I guess I'll put the most things I remember. I can tell there were good ideas ! I'll take this occasion to remind everyone the concept of these posts but first we will recap numbers of this year (well, more or less accurate for 2020 as I'm writting one month late) (and I'll fucking stop writting on the tumblr site and switch to OpenOffice so my next words are not lost again). 637 Nakamas (thank y'all for being here, even if I post 12847 times in a row. You're the best). 3609 posts and 23 376 likes. (109 drafts : lol it's less than a few weeks ago)

Pic : Plot twist 2. No more smile, but the return of the bowtie. (aka « The 4 days late suit » aka « I'm old enough to know better »)

The choice of this picture was so simple. Or maybe I should have chosen the one with the mustache only I took during lockdown ? Ahah. But … this picture could almost resume the year on its own. If I'd describe it in depth and explain the context, I could review 70% of the events that happened this year (and I think I'll go for that later, interesting exercise).

So. First let me explain the goal of these sums up. Each « Welcome to XXXX » is a resume, a sum up of the year XXXX-1. I write these for me, it's a funny way to keep track of all these years. I try to describe more or less precisely what happened during the year. I allow myself to be more or less precise because I firstly write these for me. And sometimes these posts tend to be long. Especially this one. It's gonna be sooo long. Like, idk maybe highlight this line and take a few seconds to scroll down and see how looooong it is. Kinda discouraging isn't it ? Lucky you it won't go on forever though as today, as I'm writting that it's 12:23PM and I'll have to be gone at 4 or 5PM. But I think contraints make art, even if I don't like to write under any kind of pressure. But I'm determined to do it in one take. So in these posts I also write about the TV Shows, manga, anime, movies I've seen/read. Even books, as I finally had the chance to read « Le Petit Prince » this year. We all know we had time this year, don't we ? And at the end, I post a 12 songs playlist (+ songs that I discovered this year that also are going to remind me of the year). We can roughly say it's « 1 song/1 month » but it's not always true. These songs are songs I like a lot, like really (but not necessarily my favorite) but above all, they remind me of the year I'm resuming (it can also be older songs). I also post my top 3 albums of the year. I'm thinking also of detailing my choices of playlist. Maybe not explaining all of them but a few. [12:36PM. And I'm already hungry.] On the 1st try I remember I talked about the TV shows I saw. I forgot to mention it but I write in English for a few reasons. First is : it helps me exercising my English. For me, it's the most beautiful langage to talk and it's a good occasion to do so. And then I actually enjoy writting in English. And it prevents unwanted people who don't master English to read all that (as it is pretty intimate). But joke's on me, I'm conscious the people I'd like to keep away from reading this all master English, and even better than me for some of them. (It surely is the case for 27 at least, even though we all know she still won't read this lol). Yes, I never drop names in these sum ups. Or at least, some names are blacklisted. I always chose a number to nominate them they would normally recognize themselves. So, talking about English, I've seen « Emily in Paris » on Netflix. It may surprize you but I'm very interested in dubbing. French dubbing is amazing. For example I bought « Spiderman » on PS4 this year and the french voice is the same voice actor as in the « Amazing Spider-Man » (yes the one with Andrew Garfield). (UNPOPULAR OPINION : Andrew Garfield actually is the best spiderman. Or at least the one I prefer and by far). Emily in Paris is funny because I watched it in English and it kinda disturbed me that it took place in Paris but everybody spoke English. On the other hand, if you watch it in French, langages people are talking become logical (French people speak french) but you'll have to deal with the DEADLY ANNOYING French voice of Emily. And her accent. I think I just watched 1 or 2 episodes like that, I couldn't take more ?. If you have time you should take 5 seconds to listen to what I'm talking about. But it was quite a good show. It was so fun to see these streets I've been visiting for so long in a Netflix show. By the way, I think it's easy to say that I'm missing Paris so much. But not only for the tourism, but most and foremost for the competitions. Before being a tourist I was a competitor there. So, I'm missing Paris but I'm also missing karate competitions. And also just karate. I haven't stepped on a tatami for 3 weeks and it still seems like it won't get better, and we all know why. I'm curious if I could talk about this year without mentioning a very famous virus but I think it's just impossible. But this virus gave me a lot of time in March and April. Maybe less in November tho. I could finally finish The Walking Dead, which last seasons were surprisingly good. And it was so fun to watch the reactions of people on Youtube [#]. Talking about karate competitions, I also watched Cobra Kai ! What an amazing job they did there. Adding more depth to the first movie, it's funny to change perspective and see that the Daniel we were rooting for wasn't that much of a « perfect good guy » we saw (I'm not talking about the kick in the face etc). It's also funny to notice I kinda went fro Daniel to Johnny lol. But having a Netflix show talking about martial arts and value they teach to their students ? It was perfect, even more when you see that some of my students also saw it so when we were training I was refering to it they almost all got it. And it's also funny to see that it's not as Manichean as the 1st movie was. It's a 9/10 for me. If I read the last sum up right, I said : « This year 2020 I really need to watch Kimetsu no yaiba, Jojo, Violet evergarden, Gintama and i have to keep ready 7 deadly sins. » So : Kimetsu no Yaiba was dope. The anime was beautiful and the manga was very entertaining. Not a top tier manga but definitively a good one. Jojo's anime was cool but too long. I stopped after season 2 or 3 I guess ? Violet Evergarden was TRASH (and very bad for a date, if you ask me) and I didn't take time to explore the 2 others. I also saw : Assassination classroom (5/10, i couldn't finish it so i skipped directly to the last episode, was as moving as people said), Validé (8/10, with an insane final episode), No Game No Life (8,5/10, i loved it), Freaks and Geeks (7,5 but i didn't finish it, I really like the old school vibe), Code geass (7/10, great anime and great opening). I finally discovered Community and it was worth it. What a funny show. And what a pleasure to see Mr Donald Glover on screen. Makes me think that I need to watch Atlanta again. The problem with Community is the last seasons broke the 4th wall too much for me, it became painful to watch. But the 3 or 4 seasons are crazy. Another show that was even more funny : IT Crowd. I finally had the chance to see the episode of « I came here to drink milk and kick ass, and I just finished my milk ». This show is a 9,25/10. Grand Army was also a great show of 2020. Dom is an amazing character (but I already said it). Kengan Ashura was also so cool ! I think it's what Baki would have liked to become. This year I also started to watch « American horror Story » again (alone and not alone). These last seasons were awesome. I also converted Elodi to «my hero academia », it was so cool to share that. Other things I saw : SAO S4 (AMAZING, SO BEAUTIFUL), Erased, SNK Last season) ; The Mandalorian, 24's 9th season.« Queen's gambit » have been one of the greatest show I've seen this year. And I really want to say that I played chess before the show came out (add me on Lichess if you want to play with me. Same username. I'm not strong -about 1000 ELO I guess- but I'm always happy to play and learn). If you want a precise idea of my level, on the chess.com app, I can beat Emir 🇹🇷 (1000 ELO) often but I didn't win once against Sven 🇸🇰 (who is ~1100 ELO). I'm so happy talking about all these lengthen the post even more. Kinda satisfying. But I could also talk about Tekken and chess this year. I think I have a thing with dueling sports. I'm a Karate competitor, I love Tekken and I like chess. I guess someone has something to prove haha. But come on, chess is incredible. For the 1st lockdown, I was just playing (not alone) but I wanted to make progress just by practicing. And that's how I got BB 5 or 7 (yes, it means Beat By = my number of loss in a row). But at the end of the 2nd lockdown I finally allowed myself to study a little more, thanks to Youtube (once again). This is SO INTERESTING. Like the strategies, the top players. French content creators are fun but I like american ones more. Eric Rosen is my favourite. He's always calm, he often finds solutions. GothamChess is also very entertaining. You can say by how he talks he has been a teacher. He's great. So, once again on some shonen shit, I started studying more. Mid December, a kid beat me 2 times in a row. He's a smart kid, I like him. He didn't brag or anything. And then, during Christmas Holidays I spent 2 or 3 hours a day watching chess videos. I guess he hasn't been able to beat me since then haha. By the way I should play with him later on today. Playing chess is a way for me to make sure my brain doesn't let me down, like gym for the brain. At least, it's what I thought when I started but I quickly discovered that it's a game of patterns recognizing, so memory is really challenged here. I mean, in the middlegame you have to be smart to get by but at the beginning and ending … you have to know your openings. I have also thought of joining a club but I don't know if chess communities are benevolent. I also noticed that high ranked players seem to have strong personalities. And then for Tekken (yes, 3 years and a half later I'm still on this game) I'm still making progress. In March, someone made me want to play Heihachi. What a funny character. Not top tier, but fun. Leroy Smith is also fun to play. There was no offline tournament but I won one, the 1st organized by Tekken Toulouse and finished 5th at the second. It's funny to live that level of stress straight from my bed. Usually, that kind of stress making my whole body trembling is usually found nearby tatamis of Karate competitons. (Yes, these Tekken tournaments make me stressful and that's the reason I can't play Jin in tournaments). But Eddy is still a sure value. Still progressing in movement, and whiff punishing. Mishimas are getting more consistent on electrics but it's not perfect. By the way, if you love fighting games and Bruce Lee, there's a video you need to see (whoever you are) : [#]. If you're really interested in these topics, you should appreciate this video as much as I did [2:10 PM. I have eaten, but now I have the feeling that I'm late.] Btw I don't skip line to add some « length » effect. Once again I'm sorry if making it until here was painful to read, but I need to make this paragraph the least attractive I can. This line I'm writting is almost on the 3rd page of OpenOffice. And I try to avoid using emojis, so there's just text. Tout dans le fond, pas de forme. Also, congratulations for making it until here, you must be very motivated. I'm writting slowly because it's the 1st time I write this by daytime, and I swear at the begining people were harassing me ahah. It's fun because the sum up of 2019 was so short. Just with its form, you can tell how 2019 have been peaceful. I don't remember if I talked about it already but a disaster could have happened in September/October 2019. But karate kept my mind busy so the worst have been avoided. Time spent on the tatamis kept me away from overthinking about my problems. And that was a good strategy indeed. Because in 2020 it wasn't the same. If we count right. Dojos were opened in January, February, 1st half of march, reopened in September and october, closed on november and opened in December (Mon Dieu quel … CASSE-TEX hahaha merci c'est tout pour moi). It was a weird karate year. Today is the 1 year anniversary of my last competition. During the 1st lockdown, I had litteraly no desire to train. Some of you know why. But let's talk a bit more about COVID and lockdowns. The most important thing is that I didn't spent the 1st lonely. This was the most challenging time of my life, but I can say that I made it thanks to 0808 so I'm eternally grateful for that. So, if we recap months by months : January was a funny month. One thing that I thought a miracle happened (until I found out months later what a real miracle was). I also almost went into a brawl. I guess this weird ass month set the tone for the 11 months to follow. February … was one of the calmest month. I had an awesome dojo session in Balma with 0808 in February. I think there were a lot of beautiful sunsets this month. Guess our weather power was at its peak. These 3 1st months of 2020 had a lot of trainings, even if I was injured due to kumite. March and April are kinda the same for me. I won't talking long about these but I'd simply say that I'm glad that I hadn't to write to 27. So, the Miracle happened by mid April. Mid april to mid may, it was cool. We were at home but … the weather was nice, I was doing sport everyday (but no real karate trainings) and I could keep this rythm of exercising until … Half July, which is good. It's the first time in my life I'm that consistent in doing sports at home. From mid may, I started to train with Coach O. on a weekly basis. It was incredible. These days were still bliss in my mind. I was there, no « real problems » in mind, I wasn't alone, I was making progress physically … It was really great. And from mi may to end of July, it kept getting better.Indeed, I fell in love again in January and it was getting stronger by the months. It's been a while I haven't fell this hard for someone. But she gave it back to me nicely. And then … Mala suerte 3.0. This point of the sum up is funny because I do remember when I talked about mala suerte in the other sum ups. I do realize how it's always the same thing when I write those : « 1st part of the year is cool, then not cool, then cool again but in a weird way because I have insane difficulties to repair broken parts of me » but hey. This time it's not my fault. It makes me realize how cyclic all this is. So, August, September and October have been terrible and chaotic months. A level of sadness rarely reached until there. Maybe comparable to September 2018. A high level of anger also. But still, with rare occasions to train, so no occasions to let go off steam. In fact, let's talk a bit about this anger. I've always took a lot of pride in the fact that I could most of the time remain calm in a lot of situations. Plus, being patient isn't something natural but … I learned to be through the years. I was so surprised to notice how angry I became … It simply wasn't me. But the reason is simple : I really think karate brings me balance in life, on a lot of levels (and it concerns me a lot for when I'll stop competing one day …). But I realized it so I'm working on it. In 2020, I led a lot of fights, sometimes I won and often I lost, but I also avoided a lot of them. One of the reasons I think I'm not ready to be a good partner is first I think I'm too angry. I don't think I could be mean to my partner but … I think I could be annoying to deal with. But mainly, I'm not ready to better myself now. To find the good partner, you need to become a good partner first, and this is precisely what I'm not ready to become. Despite being not perfect, I'm fine that way and I know how far from perfect I'm right now. But nevermind. This is the kind of state of mind you can't afford when you're in a relationship. I'm not saying you need to change to fit your partner's ideals. But if you notice something's wrong in your behaviour/habits and don't want to correct it, you might be a bad partner (but I could be wrong, I'm not a couple therapist lol).

Oh. And that's the moment I can describe my photo to tell the story differently. So this shot was taken precisely on Sunday, 4th of October. 1302 got confirmed so we had to go to the Temple du Salin. I went there with my father and he decided to rock a bowtie so I wanted to match him. It was so fun. That was the first time we stepped in a church after « all these events ». It was a strong moment for me. So, this picture (taken by me, thank you tripod) was taken 4 days after I « took a gamble ». I took a lot of gambles this year. One memorable gamble that lead to beautiful pictures of Toulouse was on August 27th (lol). This was after our breakup. I gave her an adress and an hour, and I hopped she would come. She never came so this was a lost gamble. (So I had a great time watching « Back to the future » outdoors, on a big movie screen, but I was alone). But this time was different. I did suppose she would be at one place on a certain day at the end of September. And I gambled right because she was there. And even if the context was so particular, I can tell we had a great time. I was so ready that I put on my best white shirt, because I knew she kinda liked it. I was there to win her back but I simply failed. Guess the shirt wasn't enough. So it was funny to wear the full suit 4 days later, I was like « Dude, nice effort but it's too late  lol» (plus the Temple du Salin is on the other side of the closest bridge from her home) but I still hopped to cross her road on that day. Oh and as we're analyzing this picture, I really like the bokeh on the autmun-colored leaves. I had the luck to have a very sweet light when I took these pictures. And the post processing was really funny. I have a lot of versions of this picture indeed. But all these colors in the background always make me think of a quote I love :  « Autumn shows us how beautiful it is to let things go » and this quote is so damn right. I discovered this year that I have difficulties to let things go. The thing is I hate injustice. I hate to see things that litteraly belong to me, things I deserve, simply run away from me. Sometimes I'm telling myself it's just my karma making me pay for all the شيطان I've done in the past. But other times I just try to convince myself to let go. It's been the 2nd most challenging thing this year. These levels of depression have never been reached before. But still, here I am. But not stronger than before. I had this conversation a few weeks ago about « what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ». To support this idea, some people might evoke the principle of « Kintsugi » as an example. But I strongly disagree about the first statement. I'm not a goddamn bowl. I take the example of my lower belly scar : it didn't kill me but it didn't get stronger either. That's the exact opposite indeed. Sometimes it still hurts even though it's been done 12 years ago (the last time it hurt was this night, almost stopping me from finding sleep). It's a personal opinion but what didn't kill me made me weaker. And I'm not just talking about physical injuries. Losing the ability to trust after all these events isn't what I'd call « getting stronger », even though « I didn't do anything wrong ». That's an expensive price. Bref. I think you can overcompensate with something else but the damaged parts may stay weak after. [3:03 PM. So I have about 1 hour to finish it. Easy.] There's one thing I wanted to talk about in this sum up, related to the fact of « being strong ». I read Blach again (you can tell by my december posts) and I started with the lost agent arc, followed by the TYBW arc. There's 2 things about it : its poetry, through the words and the drawings will always amaze me (it amazed me even if it’s the 2nd time I’me reading it), and the 2nd thing : I love how Ichigo become stronger. He lost his Shinigami powers but then found his Fullbring powers. And that is very important because he becomes strong again, but it's a different kind of strong and I LOVE THIS. It's like in real life. I was very strong in June 2012 (videos as proof), but it's not the same strong as in July 2017 or April/November 2018. June and July 2020 have been a different kind of strong. Not that I gained 10 kgs in 2 months (unfortunately) but I was exercising daily. I was getting my body ready for the supposed heavenly month of August that was awaiting me (us). Unfortunately there was no videos of karate at this period (but I made some in september!) but I was feeling great physically. In fact. This May/June/July 2020 period could be considered as “bliss” for me. Of course there was some background problems but ... Mentally I was getting back on my feet, I was deeply in love, physically pretty feeling myself. Plus on the 1st half of July i could go back to the tatamis ... I swear this level of peace and life appreciation have rarely been reached before. Well, this concept of getting stronger differently is almost obsessing me for a simple reason : I'm feeling like I'm getting older. 27 is a weird age for competing in karate. If I look back, I realize I'm older than William when he stopped (it's his birthday tomorrow!!). Also older than Zak, Teddy and so on. I guess I'll never be physically like 10 or 5 years ago but I'm really asking myself if I can be better. But as seen as the pains I go through after the trainings … It's going to be complicated. Plus I did my body wrong this year. There was pain in mars, april, august, september, october, november and december. I tried a lot of things to make it go. I tried to smoke it, i tried to sleep it, i tried to drink it also. I tried to fuck it of course but none of these things worked. But can we consider I won if only my cock still works ? Compared to 2018 : yes it is a win. And at least when I'm with someone, that makes less time crying and overthinking shit. Anyway, I also tried to smoke it really hard. And that's an habit I'll have trouble to let go but nvmd. Still, one of my 2021 resolutions is to smoke less. Also, I took a funny resolution that is : « I'm not accepting defeat this year ». And I realized only a few days after taking it how hard it will be. I'm not dumb, when defeat is unavoidable, I'll just take it. But I decided to be a real Scorpio and be more stubborn than ever. We can say it's above all pride. Same pride as Vegeta, Bakugo or even Endeavour. Really touched me when Bakugo talked about « Absolute victory ». Sometimes I find myself too soft. I'm not going to become an awful person (or at least, not more awful than I am right now). I'll still be kind … But I'll go get the victories I deserve a little harder. Talking about my age, I'm a bit deceived I have no close old friends to share the memories. Every one is kinda gone. Sometimes it's my fault, and sometimes it's just people who are shit but life's like this. Also, every year I try to think of my best encounter of the year. It's kinda hard because sometimes, you meet someone a few years earlier but you really get to know each other later etc … So I'm not clear if this should count only people met this year or simply the people I've spent the best times with. Because I received a curious message this summer and my God. What a luck she took the chance to write me. We realized a few days ago we were in the same class in 10th grade (2nde) (we saw the class picture, what a laughter we had). We get along so well. And it's the proof that 2nd chances deserve to be given. I swear that I also lost some important people this year. But I'm not fighting to get people back anymore. I've done it too much and I'm simply done. People need to realize it's a luck to be in my life. I have my ways but you'll hardly find a friend that's patient and kind as I am. But nevermind, it always makes more time and attention for the people who are here, who really care for my hapiness. Focusing on the people who are here was one of the main concern this year, for a lot of reasons. I thought I was good for selecting the good people in my life but looks like I still can improve. So I'm still letting people go off my life. [3:36PM. Guess I said mostly what I had to say. Maybe 5 pages is enough, but maybe not.] Oh I can still tell the rest of the year. November have been one peaceful month. Away from all the obsessions. Focused on me. No karate but still courses by videoconference. The weather was very sweet even tho it was November. This second lockdown was not that funny but we've seen worst. And December … had it's ups and downs. It was cool to meet my kids 1 month after all these video courses. They clearly got stronger, it was cool. I could also talk about my experience as a sensei this year because there's a lot to say. At the beginning of February, it was my last competition but also for my kids. We litteraly took the competition by storm. On était TROP CHAUDS. But then the Covid stopped us. We kinda were ready for Occitanie championship, if you forget that I was sick the week before the competition. I'd have loved so much to see how far their training would have taken them on this competition. But thank God they cancelled it, guess He didn't want to see me lose ahah. So, I've seen a lot of kids getting better. What a pleasure. Later on this year I told them that I wanted to see them become stronger than me. Seems cliché, but I'm happy they took it seriously. Of course I'm dead serious. We also talked about I will be waiting for them in Senior. Hope they'll continue until then. And above all I hope I will still be competing. I really want to have a positive impact on these kids, competitors or not. And I guess it's working. (Btw I'll surely do a post about Whitebeard soon, just to show him love). So. What lessons can we draw from this chaotic year ? Always treat your high school comrades well. Be picky about who you let in your life. Before engaging in a relationship, ask why her previous relationship ended. Trust no B. (And BBW's are heaven sent). Now it's 3:50PM and I guess I'm done. But I keep myself the possibility to add things if I think of things to add. It's 6 pages long (Arial, 12) but if I can make it longer I will.

[Friday. 00:55AM] Edit : Ok. The story is funny. I really wanted to finish that in one day. So I wrote the previous lines between 10 AM and 4 PM Wednesday knowing I would need more time, just to check and to add a few more details. And one of those Lonely Wednesday Night would have been perfect just to finish the job. So I planned to finish it on wednesday night but the fact is I forgot my computer home …. So here I am one day later. Still baked, so still in the right state of mind to do it. It gave me time to proofread myself (?) and most importantly, it gave me time to read again some of my previous sum ups. It was interesting to compare how they're all different, and also how my writting evolved. Tbh I think I'm becoming more comfortable with my English. Or maybe the more I express myself, the more I look at ease with the langage. This sum up is the longest I've ever written. But still, I'll add things because I still haven't told everything. For example, I haven't spoken about the fact that all the Kazamastar adventure might be closer to the end than the beginning. Like, I'm not immediatly done with all that. I'm still having a lot of fun here. Anon visitors are also part of the game, but it's still all fun. It also keeps my « photograph eye » opened. This makes me think of the quote «I want to be so awfully happy that I never need to write poetry again. » [#] and more precisely I'm thinking about : do I post more when I'm happy or sad ? But I noticed this tumblr kinda works like therapy for me. (And especially, this post is a therapy by itself. Wednesday I woke up feeling bad, lower belly aching and making this post really helped me going through the day.) I post a lot when I'm sad but it really allows me to get all of these negative feelings out of me. I do stylize things but I know I'm not a poet or anything. But can you imagine being so happy that you don't write again ? Would be an amazing feeling. (Indeed, I've already done it once [#]. I've ended a blog on a perfect happiness and yes it felt amazing. ) Imagine if I do it here. After all the trials and tribulations I went through, it would be a perfect way to finish this tumblr. But as I'm speaking, I think there's like … less than 5% chance that it ends happily. If it does, it could be in a long time. I have a few ideas of when and how it could end, but Imma have to keep these selfishly for myself. You'll see when we'll get there.:) Also, I'm realizing right now the things I'm adding to the text make the timestamps through the text a bit less accurate but that's just a detail. [2:37 AM] Earlier I talked about this blog being a therapy for me. But it’s not only this tumblr. This year I proudly finished another tumblr (yes you can guess I was proud as I posted about that 17325 times already and pinned a post). This was such a relief to end it after letting it still for litteraly 2 years. Well that’s it for tonight !

No transition : let's go for the explanations of my choices for the playlist followed by the playlist itself. It's kinda easy to understand why « la mienne » is here, for the first month. This “I can’t touch you I’m not allowed to” really made me think of someone and this someone came back. Incredible. The next song with a Boogie is perfect for February. Very peaceful month, really full of very good moments (in the backseat of a certain car for example). The 2 next songs are for March. These are kinda « lockdown anthems » as The Weeknd album came out right at that time and so did Laylow's. Plus « Escape from LA » have the vibe I really love from Abel. 2 next songs are for April. Dsvn really smashed when he put that « A muse in her feelings » album. (and the « Amusing her feelings » is even better but that won't happen before January 2021). The sequence between « Outlandish – Keep it going - flawless » was one of the best thing I heard musically this year. But keep it going is insane. « Meilleurs » from Oboy is … special. And so are the 2 following songs. Meilleurs is now blacklisted but it's still one good song. But I can't listen to it anymore. Maybe that's exactly because it reminds me June and July. Count me in reminds me precisely of August 8th. Btw what a funny day, very far from all expectations we built up through the years (let's remind that the countdown started with more that 400 days, but I guess patience and loyalty is not always rewarded). I might digress from the playlist one second, but on this day we were in Treilles with the guys, and thank God I had them in this moment ... That’s when I drank to heal, with “count on me” for soundtrack. For September, I hesitated between « DEUX TOILES DE MER » or « MEVTR » (which means « Meilleur d'Entre Vous Tous Reunis », the 1st stage name of Damso). Damso’s flow on MEVTR is huge. He makes a whole verse rhyme and on but … 2 toiles is more iconic. Talking about iconic, « Bande organisée » wasn't a masterpiece but a force to be reckoned with (i find this expression funny ahah). I mean, in hip hop nowadays we don't see often rappers teaming up with big groups like that. Plus on this song particularly some of them have interesing flows and a lot of energy. And you can tell it comes from the South. Not of them are goods, some are excellent but this makes a very decent track. « Route 66 » was cool, even tough it's for November (so 2nd lockdown) it gave me really lovely vibes. And I take this occasion talking about November 2020 to remind it was the 10th anniversary of Kanye West's MBDTF and I celebrated it the right way héhé. Finally, this featuring is really ending the year well. Dinos dropped an insane album, his best since a long time and Tayc also (respectively « Stamina, » and « Fleur froide »). So having them on the same track was risky but it paid very well, incredible vibe from those two combined. They could have been in the top 3 albums but some people made better than them. Trinity is my top 1 one 2020. The concept, the musics … it was INSANE. QALF was also great. It's insane to see Damso get rid of « artistic barriers » to focus only on sound and music. No communication etc … Just music. And Eternal Atake from Lil Uzi Vert because it was long awaited but also because it was perfect, also a 1st lockdown album so it helped me forget my loneliness but so much good tracks ! And finally we have the very special songs that I coudn't tell why I like them. I just love their vibes. So now is 4:15 PM and I'm offically finished but I still have to tweak it. Know I won't hesitate to add things that are related to 2020 and that come to my mind :) Thanks for reading me. Have a lovely day, or night.

2020 Playlist

Tayc – La mienne (Accoustic)

A Boogie – Reply feat Lil Uzi Vert

The Weeknd – Escape for LA

Laylow – Nakré

dvsn – Keep it goin ✨

PartyNextDoor – Believe it feat Rihanna

Trippie Redd & Russ – The Way

OBOY - Meilleurs

Kehlani - Serial Lover

Juice WRLD & Marshmello - Come and go

THEY. - Count me in

Damso - Deux toiles de mer

13 Organisé - Bande organisée

Joe Dwet File - Route 66

Dinos & Tayc - Je wanda

Spécial : Lil Tecca - Last Call  YNW Melly  - City girls

Jessame - Times we had ~ Dennis Lloyd - Never go back ~  Elliot Trent - computer love

3 top albums de 2020 : 

Trinity de Laylow - Qalf de Damso - Eternal atake de Lil Uzi vert

Why Emerald and Mercury’s scene in Lost is one of the best scenes in all of RWBY

Lost is a really underappreciated episode in Volume 6. It tends to get overlooked because Dead End precedes it and that’s easily the weakest episode of the season, while right afterwards we get the three-parter of the Argus Battle and Adam’s return meant focus was shifted for a hot minute. But I adore this episode, nearly every second of it barring some choices at the end (barring Oscar getting shafted for development- again- and Ruby’s oddball speech of “we didn’t need adults this far” to Qrow), but it’s honestly one of the best episodes of the season in my eyes, and that falls down to one major scene- Emerald and Mercury’s conversation in the first third of the episode, which is one of my favorite scenes in all of RWBY.

I know when people think of character arcs involving Lost they tend to go for the obvious lure of the Pyrrha statue, which, to be fair, is a really solid character moment and I loved a lot about it- especially the small reference to the Volume 1 OP of Jaune looking at the statue, it’s framed with almost the exact same camera angle. But as someone who mains my two murder kids, I cannot stress how hyped up I was going into Lost. Finally, after years of being relegated to background fodder with their one big moment since Volume 3 being their humiliating appearance at Haven where Emerald took a literal dive and Merc was left holding an arm like a numbnuts, Lost was gonna give me the content I’d been waiting for.

The fact that Merc and Em were getting the thumbnail- something neither of them had been in since Volume 3- was something that made my goddamn day when the thumbnail went up on VRV

And ultimately, I think the scene delivered, and delivered with a gusto that makes me unironically call it one of the best scenes of the Volume, one of the best of the show, in fact- and today I’d like to explain why I love Emerald and Mercury’s scene in Volume 6 Chapter 9, Lost.

1) The establishing context, or: a quick breakdown of Merc and Em in V6C4 

Merc and Em had one scene earlier this volume, in Chapter 4, “So That’s How It Is.” It chronicles them and Hazel returning from Mistral several weeks after the Battle of Haven, Hazel having contacted Little Miss Malachite and gotten the heads up on where RWBY were going next. Spirits are low as they leave the ship, and an unexpected welcoming party in Tyrian doesn’t lift the mood. Emerald in particular lashes out at Tyrian when he mockingly notices Cinder’s absence, which just gives him all the motivation he needs to get up in Emerald’s personal space and mock her for her weakness. 

Fun fact, in the Volume 6 trailer, Tyrian creeping on Emerald happens in Salem’s conference room, presumably to throw people off the scene on when the scene would be happening. 

Tyrian proves to be as sharp as his dearly-departed stinger (now resting in Ruby’s cabinet of Maimed Body Parts), mocking Emerald in a delightfully chilling voice that “Cinder isn’t here to protect you anymore.” You know who is though? 

This asshole, that’s who. Mercury fucking Black, finally showing the spine he lost after Volume 3 and getting up in Tyrian’s grill to protect Emerald. He even got his eyebrows back just for the occasion! 

Never forget Volume 4 and Merc’s penciled-on eyebrows

It’s a short but sweet scene that sets up the duo’s dynamic well- they’ve really only got each other out in Evernight so even if they bicker... a lot... Merc and Em will watch each other’s backs because it’s that or deal with Tyrian, Watts and most importantly Salem alone. And that’s not a thought either of them truly want to consider. 

The rest of the Evernight scene in chapter 4 has some small but important moments for them- I especially love Mercury being the first person we see realizing Salem’s about to snap because of his abusive father. If anyone’s gonna know how to read the room and know to get out of dodge before the glass starts shattering, it’ll be him. How he just stands at attention, eyes locked forward when everyone else looks at Salem is also a nice subtle bit of character- eyes forward, since he was probably told not to move without permission. Emerald��s sheer terror for much of the debriefing is just a masterclass in animation- her eyes are these narrow pinpricks that can’t focus on a single spot, she cringes in anticipation of a slap when she rats out Cinder (gee it’s almost as if Cinder is her abuser who conditioned her or something why do people still ship them), how she flinches when Salem touches her shoulder and only relaxes when Salem moves on and reveals that Cinder’s alive. It’s all just great stuff for their characters that you get from looking at their body language. 

That’s all that we see of Mercury and Emerald until chapter 9, and unfortunately the last we see of them from there until the post-credits scene, but fortunately, this is a real doozy of a scene. 

2) The actual scene

We open with Merc and Em alone in a room, Emerald bitterly noting how much she hates being kept in the dark about Salem’s future plans. Mercury agrees, stopping some training to note that at least Cinder kept them up to speed, before resuming his combat. 

Mercury and Yang are two of the easier foils to compare and contrast to in the series, especially in the RWBY/CRME contrasts between Ruby/Cinder, Weiss/Emerald, Blake/Roman and later Adam and Yang/Mercury. Both are close range fights with firearms strapped to their limbs of choice, both have cybernetic limbs and as we learn later this episode, both had fathers with wildly differing views on their Semblances. But something else that connects them is that neither Mercury or Yang stay down for long when they get knocked out. Yang lost her arm and once she got back on her feet, she updated her fighting style to be more acrobatic and all-around, which paid off in dividends when she got to fight Adam and was able to move around his strikes. Similarly, the first time we see Mercury get some free time after Haven, he’s training... except he’s working on his fists, since he was overly reliant on his legs until now. I like this, it would have been easy to have Mercury just working on his legs or even just doing nothing but not only does it give the conversation a more lively feel, but it shows that Mercury is working on covering his weaknesses. And if there’s one thing Mercury hates, it’s leaving a weakness uncovered.

Your daily reminder that Yang vs Mercury is some of the best choreography in the show BTW

Emerald, seemingly out of boredom, decides to pry a bit and asks Mercury why he came with Cinder and Emerald in the Volume 3 flashback. I’ve seen some people criticize that Emerald is only asking this now, but given how when she tried to object to Cinder she got a slap for her troubles, I think it’s safe to say she decided it wasn’t worth Cinder’s wrath a second time for asking too many questions about Mercury. 

Mercury tries deflecting with a simple answer “Just made sense,” to which Emerald calls bullshit with one of the most deadpan-laden lines she’s ever uttered. “It ‘made sense.’” 

Mercury decides to keep up that path, trying to cover the question with his usual sarcasm and wit. It’s notable that his explanation gives nothing away that Emerald didn’t already know- Marcus trained Mercury to be an assassin, Mercury killed him and right afterwards, Cinder showed up. It’s almost clinical how, despite covering it with his usual wit, Mercury doesn’t let anything slip until Emerald gets under his skin by calling bullshit again, since to her that Mercury joined Cinder for as shallow a reason as “right place right time” is anathema to her- there has to be something in this for Mercury beyond just getting to fight. Mercury again deflects, giving Emerald knowledge she already knows- “Salem’s promised us everything. We win this thing, we’ll be top dogs in her new world.” Again, he’s only telling her what she already knows, and when he asks her what she gets out of this, Mercury manages to throw Emerald off the scent and tricks her into talking about herself- a topic Mercury enjoys because it means he’s not the one under the microscope. 

Something I adore and hate in equal measure is how musically when Emerald talks about Cinder, the score itself changes to a more whimsical version of Cinder’s theme- as if Emerald’s using her Semblance on the soundtrack itself to paint Cinder in a better light. 

Also something worth noting is the lighting symbolism for Emerald in the first part of this scene:

She starts in darkness, surrounded by light.

When Mercury gets a rise out of her, she walks out into the light to confront him, but Mercury moves into the darkness, a barrier separating them. But when Emerald begins talking about Cinder...

The camera pans to put Emerald back into darkness. This scene is loaded with this kind of symbolism on a lighting and musical level, the two dancing around the edges of light and dark, separated usually by the barriers that form from the overhead light.

Regardless, Mercury is perfectly fine to let Emerald prattle on about Cinder, right up until Emerald begins having a crisis of conscience. Not one based on how Cinder used her to stage a terrorist attack, no. Mercury butts in when Emerald’s crisis of conscience is based on how now that Cinder isn’t here, Emerald isn’t sure if they’re doing the right thing. And thus Mercury’s fandom finally got to see the scene they had been waiting years for: Mercury telling Emerald Cinder doesn’t care for them. Emerald gets angry, still caught up in the web of lies that Cinder spun around her, but Mercury doesn’t give a solitary shit about any of that and keeps saying things Emerald doesn’t want to hear- that Cinder never cared about Emerald, let alone either of them. 

I absolutely adore how the ever-present smirk on Mercury’s face just melts off while he’s trying to get Emerald to realize Cinder never cared for them- either because he’s done playing nice or because he’s trying to stress to Emerald that he’s not messing around, just this once.

Mercury’s mocking line to Emerald finally sets her off, and she charges him furiously, trying to beat him into shutting up. But it doesn’t work- of course it wouldn’t, Mercury is leagues above Emerald in skill even if she uses her weapons, going in without them is tantramount to suicide. This guy danced around Coco and Yatuhashi and gave Yang and Pyrrha good fights while deliberately throwing both fights. Beating Emerald would take less than a minute if he tried. But he doesn’t. Mercury never actually hits Emerald, focusing on just blocking her blows. It’s only when Mercury finally decides to stop giving Emerald information she already knows and actually give her some honest truth that he begins trying, and immediately Emerald is forced back. But even then, Mercury throws his kicks. Compared to the ones he threw in training they’re sluggish, easily predicted. He’s not trying to hurt Emerald, he’s just stressing his point. 

Literal chills went down my back when I heard that line the first time, Yuri killed it.

Mercury basically decides to throw his abuse in Emerald’s face, which I’ve seen some people deride and describe as Mercury basically playing the victim card, but I think this is perfectly in-character for him. Emerald’s locked in her cycle of abuse with Cinder, even though the bitch is on another continent and now is the perfect time for Emerald to break free, to get out before Cinder maims her like Marcus did Mercury... and she’s not. Taking. The chance. Of course Mercury would be pissed, of course he’d get heated for the first time- he’s basically watching Emerald squander one of the only chances she has to get out of this life before Cinder catches her again, and he (and the audience) know if Cinder gets her hands on Emerald again, that’ll be it; Emerald will be ride or die for Cinder all the way to the finish line due to her paternal/romantic love. If it takes Mercury being this most callous and blunt he’s ever been to finally get Emerald to see the truth or even just to make sure where she draws her battlelines, then he’ll do whatever it takes. 

As we get an orchestral reprise of I’m The One, Mercury finally gives us a new hint into his backstory- one of the most fucked up of all the cast according to Kerry- for the first time in three years. Marcus didn’t just beat Mercury senseless, didn’t just excuse it as training and potentially even cut off Mercury’s legs to refine him into a perfect killer- he stole Mercury’s Semblance with his own, seeing it as a crutch that Mercury relied on and holding it over his head with the promise of its return once Mercury got strong. To quote the normally Unirkable Merc himself, “So I got strong, but I never got it back!” 

Mercury forced himself to get on the level of titans like Pyrrha and Yang without having the safety net of a Semblance like they have- he got strong in spite of his father, not because of Marcus taking his power from him. But that power- that strength that lets him fight at a skill ceiling beyond what Marcus likely thought possible, destroyed this young child. It stole from Mercury, things that he can never get back- a literal piece of his soul was taken from him and the thrill of the fight is the only thing he’s ever found that can fill the hole. That confidence is earned because Mercury was defiled by his father and spat in the face of destiny, he chose to get back up and try and earn back what was rightfully his. And when he got the strength to kill his abuser and burn his house down, just to realize he couldn’t get that power back? In walked Cinder Fall, looking for another lost youth to corrupt and twist the worldview of- and here was one such youth, with all the corruption done complete with a neat little bow on top. 

All of this- all of this- goes without mentioning how not two volumes prior we had a different character go through an arc involving her Semblance and a father figure teaching her how to control it and not let it control her. 

I’m just saying guys if you still wanna live in denial over Yang and Merc’s foil status and how they’d be the coolest rivals in the show, door’s right there, I’m gonna be here eagerly awaiting their proper rematch (Fuck off and die Volume 5, you mountain of wasted potential). 

The kicker (pun not intended) is Mercury’s line at the end of the training with Emerald- “I’m right where I’m supposed to be,” he confidently declares, absolutely sure in himself. The whole dynamic of the scene has been Mercury and Emerald calling bullshit on each other’s excuses, with Mercury dominating once he got Emerald to play the Cinder card. But he gets so caught up in his rage over how he got defiled by Marcus, that he loses sight for a second and forgets that he’s lying to himself as much as Emerald- the difference is he’s gone thought he cycle before and seen it so he can see that Emerald’s in it, but he hasn’t yet realized he’s gotten caught in a different cycle and still can’t see the trees from the forest. Denial is a recurring trait in Mercury and Emerald, and one neither of them are ever truly free from (”Salem promised us everything,” like how Marcus promised you back your Semblance, Mercury?). Emerald attacking Mercury after he mocks her “crisis of identity” can almost be taken as her subconsciously agreeing with Merc that Cinder doesn’t care, but after all she’s done for Cinder, everyone she’s hurt and helped kill, the idea that it was all for less than nothing is something she’s got to run away from- the alternative is just too nightmarish.

Mercury “I’m right where I’m supposed to be” Black, ladies and gents. He’s feeling really confident in these scenes, can’t you tell?! 

And who sees this and realizes it, but none other than Tyrian fucking Callows of all people. And of all the people in Salem’s castle, who expected him to be an adept armchair psychologist? Tyrian is blunt, completely unforgiving in his assessment of Mercury and Emerald- they’re trapped in a cycle of violence, pain and misery, and they’re too afraid of what’s on the other side to ever leave it- what’s waiting for Mercury out in the world of Remnant? All he can do is kill, and now that he’s burned his bridges with Huntsmen society, all he’d wind up doing is assassination work like father like son. Granted, Tyrian being the one to break this down to them both is... ironic given how Tyrian himself is trapped in Salem’s web of devotion and has been for so long he couldn’t find his way out if he wanted to, but here he raises a valid point. 

After this the scene mostly moves away from Mercury and Emerald and becomes Tyrian informing them and the audience that Watts and Tyrian are going to Atlas to intercept RWBY, but before he leaves, Tyrian leaves some parting advice.

“Do what makes you happy children, please? I’m begging you.” 

Reading through the mile-wide lines, it’s obvious Tyrian wants them to run so he can hunt them down himself, even though he denies telling them they should leave earlier when Emerald asks point-blank if he’s telling them to go (of course he isn’t saying that, he wants them to come to the conclusion himself, no fun stalking prey when the hunt’s made easy for you after all). But the scene ends with a somewhat more optimistic note.

Emerald and Mercury, still unsure about a lot of things after this group therapy session, are still standing together, almost more unified than they were before now- no barriers of light and darkness separating the two now. And that should be something that terrifies anyone who crosses their paths, especially the guy who made a point to T-Bag Mercury and basically promise he’ll draw the straw on killing them if they stray out of line. 

3) Conclusion

Mercury and Emerald are my favorite characters in the show, and while that’s been a bit harder to maintain in the Dark Times of Volumes 4 and 5 where they got nothing to do, 6 reminded me and a lot of other people why they’re the characters to keep an eye on in future years. They have these wonderfully dark backstories that let them serve as haunting foils for two members of team RWBY each (Emerald and Ruby and Weiss, Mercury for Blake and Yang) that show how far things could have gone if the RWBY girls had been born with a bit less luck. On top of all that, I’m The One is just a killer of a song that excites with its spiteful air, its cockiness only accentuating how horrific these two have had it. 

Mercury and Emerald start the Mistral seasons separated by a barrier (the window) but after their conversation in Lost and time away from Cinder, the barrier’s gone. They’re closer than they were before. And Merc got his eyebrows back too, that’s a sign he started caring about Emerald! 

Their scene in Lost I feel encapsulates a lot of what keeps them together and what makes for one of RWBY’s best dynamics- they don’t really like each other a lot of the time, but they have each other’s back come hell or high water because they need each other like a lifeline. Mercury does, at least a little, genuinely care for Emerald; he goes about it in a dickish way but trying to recognize Cinder’s abusive behavior is one of the most noble things he’s done all show. And while Emerald did try to attack him, he goaded her into it and she was indignant with rage when Tyrian pinned Merc down. Everything about the scene just works for me, from the small musical cues (alongside the return of I’m The One and Cinder’s theme, I love how right before Emerald attacks Mercury, this beeping starts and then accelerates into this droning sound like a flatline, which really captures Emerald’s temper reaching fever pitch and then snapping, to the lighting symbolism (Merc and Em both begin the scene in darkness but come together in the light at the end after Tyrian leaves, alongside everything I said above) and of course, Katie Newville and Yuri Lowenthal both knocking it out of the park with a home run of a performance, alongside Josh Grelle being his usual self when Tyrian shows up. While it was overshadowed by Jaune’s scene with the Pyrrha statue, I’d be very comfortable marking Emerald and Mercury’s spotlight scene in Lost as not just a highlight of the season, but one of the best scenes of the entire show. Everything came together for this ambrosia of a scene, and I can only hope I sold how much it means to me and how much I appreciate the work that went into it on a technical, writing, animation, acting and musical level. 

Keep an eye on Merc and Em is all I’m saying, and if you’ve written them off in the past, I hope this convinced you to take another look at them and hope they get their due time to shine in future. 

Thank you for reading. 

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/intuitive-astrology-forecast-july-2020/

Intuitive Astrology Forecast July 2020

Intuitive Astrology Forecast July 2020

By Tanaaz

As we start July, we wrap up the third and final Eclipse of the Season and of the Cancer/Capricorn cycle we have been working with since 2018.

As we move through the month, things may feel like they are settling down and the energy may shift to a calmer place. However, behind the scenes things are being planted for the next chapter of 2020, one that kickstarts come September.

As we enter September and navigate through the final months of the year, we have a very fiery and combative Mars Retrograde, and if you can believe it, more Eclipses as we enter November.

2020 was always destined to be a big and transformative year, so rather than fighting against all of this, learning to embrace it, going with the flow, and surrendering to the journey of your life will make things a little less stressful.

July is one of the months of the year, along with August, where we will get an opportunity to recharge.

It brings the incredible Sirius Gateway, that will beam high-frequency energy into our bodies and souls.

It also brings some detox energy, and while a bit of purging will be required, we will feel the benefits and lightness that comes when we let the toxic stuff go.

To help support you through the month, I have created a Heart Drumming Meditation. This meditation is designed to recharge your vitality and awaken and strengthen your life-force energy.

Here’s a wrap up of the July 2020 Astrology:

July 1st: Saturn Re-Enters Capricorn

Saturn left Capricorn for Aquarius back on March 21st, but seeing as Saturn is retrograde and traveling “backward” it has now re-entered Capricorn for one final time.

With Saturn revisiting the last few degrees of Capricorn, from now and until December, we may notice themes from March and earlier in the year resurfacing again.

When Saturn was last traveling through these final degrees of Capricorn, many countries around the world entered lockdown, so we may find ourselves revisiting that in some way.

On a personal level, Saturn moving back into Capricorn may stir some past themes for us, however, it is important to remember that we have been through it all before.

No new information or lessons are likely to surface, if anything, we may just be feeling a greater sense of understanding on the path we have been traveling.

If you want to dive into this deeper, read more on Saturn here.

July 2-7: Sirius Gateway

The Sirius Gateway is a magical time of year where our Spiritual Sun, Sirius aligns with our earthly Sun.

Our Sun that rises and sets each day, brings us life and sustenance and our Spiritual Sun does the same, but on a soul level.

It helps to supercharge our soul and inner vitality. We may feel our life-force energy getting stronger, or we may feel more connected to the Qi or Prana that flows all through our body.

Under the Sirius Gateway, we are more likely to receive intuitive or cosmic downloads, and it becomes easier for us to awaken our Kundalini energy and raise our vibration to higher levels.

The Sirius Gateway is like a power source that we can plug into in order to refuel our batteries.

You can read more on the energy of the Sirius Gateway here.

July 4-5th: Capricorn Full Moon Lunar Eclipse

The final Eclipse of the Season is here – a Capricorn Lunar Eclipse. This is not only the last Eclipse of the Season but it is also the last Eclipse in the Cancer/Capricorn Eclipse cycle that we have been working with since May 2018.

We won’t experience another Capricorn or Cancer Eclipse for another 8 years.

This Eclipse is like a culmination point and its energy feels detoxifying.

There will be some release or purge needed, but it will feel satisfying and we will have this sense that we have finally reached the end on a journey we have been walking.

After this Eclipse, we will have a few months break before resuming the third and final Eclipse Season of the year in November.

If you are wondering, 2020 does hold an unusually large number of Eclipses, we normally experience 4 a year, but this year we have 6 to work with.

More on the Capricorn Lunar Eclipse for you here.

July 11: Chiron Retrograde

The healing asteroid, Chiron will enter the underworld. We already have strong retrograde energy floating through the cosmos, so Chiron just feels like another name to add to the mix!

Chiron Retrograde will be guiding us to find the strength in any healing we have recently gone through.

Sometimes the healing process can make us feel tired and a little depleted, but Chiron Retrograde encourages us to use the healing we have undertaken to find a new strength and to tune into a new power.

Healing takes hard work, but that hard work also brings strength, resilience, and a new power. Chiron Retrograde will be helping you to tune in, connect, and find that for yourself.

July 13: Mars conjunct Chiron

Mars entered Aries at the end of June where it will stay for an incredible six months. Mars is spending such a long time in its ruling sign due to its retrograde that happens in September.

Mars really becomes a star player as we enter the second half of the year, and it slowly begins sowing its seeds in July.

As Mars aligns with the healing asteroid Chiron, there will be a greater emphasis on needing to find our strength and inner warrior.

Following this alignment, over the next few months, Mars will then move on to align with the two Goddesses, Black Moon Lilith and Eris.

This creates a strong, fiery, and combative energy and tensions are likely to turn from a simmer to a rapid boil.

Once Mars goes retrograde on September 9, we are likely to see and experience this with more clarity.

More to come on this as we journey through the months, but just keep in mind that now is a good time to use this energy to claim your power and to not give it away.

July 14: Sun Opposite Jupiter

When the Sun aligns opposite Jupiter it tends to bring abundance and expansion, however, Jupiter happens to be retrograde and is hovering at the exact same degree of the Saturn Pluto Conjunction that happened earlier this year which triggered a lot of what we are now seeing play out through 2020.

As Jupiter moves over this sensitive degree and aligns opposite the Sun, we may see themes from January resurface, or something that was hiding in the shadows from this time may be uncovered.

July 12: Mercury Direct

Mercury will turn direct after being retrograde since June 17th.

We may feel a greater sense of clarity starting to arrive, especially now that we no longer have any personal planets (Mercury, Venus, Mars) in retrograde.

We always feel the personal planets the most when they retrograde, so as Mercury returns to its former speed, the air should feel a little clearer.

July 20: Cancer New Moon

The Cancer New Moon is a sensitive one and brings a mix of energy. On one hand, this New Moon will bring a fresh new lunar cycle, helping to create some distance from the recent Eclipse energies.

Things should feel lighter and we may feel inspired to set some new goals or to think about how we want to wrap up the second half of the year.

Saturn however, is also very active on this New Moon and its presence can sometimes bring harsh energy and restrictions. We may feel a pressure building, or we may feel held back in some way.

The best way to use this energy is to think about how you can take responsibility for your own life rather than waiting for permission from outside sources.

Under this Dark Moon, ask yourself – How can I take what is in my control and turn it into the best possible outcome for myself?

July 22: Leo Season Begins

The Sun enters the sign of the lion and reaches its fullest power in the cosmic skies.

Leo is ruled by the Sun, so this is a time where all of us can step up and learn how to radiate and sparkle in our own unique way.

The midpoint of Leo Season in August also brings the magical 88 Lionsgate Portal, where we get to work with the energy of Sirius, our Spiritual Sun once again.

July 25: Mars Enters Shadow Period

Mars will begin slowing down from this point forward as it prepares to go retrograde later in September.

Whatever is unfolding now until this time holds a clue as to what themes the upcoming retrograde will bring. We may also begin feeling some tense energy bubbling in the undercurrents too.

Mars Retrograde is a time where we can feel a little sluggish and like we have lost our motivation, so if you have important projects you want to get done, it’s best to start making some good headway at this time.

July 28: Venus Leaves its Shadow Period

Venus went direct on June 24-25 but it will now return to its former strength.

In the coming days, it will also leave the sign of Gemini, where it has spent an unusually long period of time and will enter the sign of Cancer.

Venus won’t retrograde again for another 18 months so this represents that we are well and truly on track with a new Venus Cycle.

As we begin this new Venus Cycle, we may feel stronger in our hearts and more open to new waves of Love.

To help support you through the month, I have created a Heart Drumming Meditation which you can find here. This meditation is designed to recharge your vitality and awaken and strengthen your life-force energy.

Happy July!

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10 Productive Uses For Blank Notebooks

I was cleaning out my room earlier this week, and I discovered that I have some empty notebooks. So I made a list of things I could fill these notebooks with. I thought I’d share that list because I know many people have empty notebooks just lying around and might want some ideas for what to do with them. 

1. Research and Thoughts

Whether you already like reading scientific research, or you are interested in a topic and want to learn more about it, having a research journal is a great idea! You can take notes on the articles you have read and jot down your reactions to those studies. You could also think of possible applications for both your personal and professional life that are not mentioned in the article itself. Additionally, you could record and research other topics that might be of interest to you after reading an article. Who knows, you might even be inspired to conduct your own research!

2. Journal and Life Lessons

Keeping a journal is extremely beneficial because it is great for mental health! Writing in a journal is a very cathartic experience, so it is no surprise that it can help regulate your emotions. And reflecting on your day will help you organize your feelings, which in turn will elevate your mood by allowing you to appreciate the little things that make life great. Journaling can also help stimulate your creativity, as you may come up with ideas to improve your life just a little bit each day. Additionally, journaling improves your writing, as you learn to communicate important information more effectively. 

This journal could also double as an ongoing list of life lessons that you learn from various sources: books, movies, shows, documentaries, mentors, interviews, conversations with others, etc. All of our experiences, no matter how small, teach us something, and it is important to reflect on those as well, as they can offer so many insights that will help us better conduct ourselves in all aspects of life.

3. Blog Log

I know this one is super relevant for all of us, and this log can be an incredibly useful tool. This is a great place to store all your content ideas and outlines for easy access. You could even draft an entire blog post here, so that you can easily make any edits if necessary. If you’re using sources in your posts, this would be a good place to cite those so that you can easily reference them whenever you need to. Or, if you have been tagged and/or want to tag someone, you could record those here too so that you don’t forget to give credit to the amazing bloggers who wanted to hear from you. And don’t forget to celebrate your milestones! This could mean number of followers, or most popular posts, number of original posts written (in a period of time or in general), blog birthdays/anniversaries, really anything you want to celebrate. 

4. Creative DIY Projects

Personal projects are always really exciting to work on. Not only can they serve as a nice escape from our regular lives, but they are also very engaging hobbies that incentivize us to work harder in our personal and professional lives. DIY projects also allow us to become more independent, self-reliant, and creative thinkers, which is a rewarding experience in and of itself. 

However, just because these projects encourage independence, doesn’t mean they can’t be socially beneficial as well. They can serve as talking points for when you’re networking or talking with loved ones at get-togethers where you can discuss your current project(s) and your plans for future ones. Additionally, other people may have advice for how to improve your process and get more out of each project. 

Projects are great for other practical reasons too! They are a productive use of our spare time and also allow us to develop our soft skills (time management, planning, organization, creativity/creative problem solving, adaptability, just to name a few). These transferable skills will also surely make job hunting and mapping your career development just a little bit easier. 

If you don’t want to work on DIY projects, that’s perfectly fine too! The point of this journal is to express yourself creatively and independently, no matter what form your art takes. For example, if you want to have an art journal where you sketch creative designs, go for it! Or if you’d rather compose poems or novels, there is literally nothing stopping you! Just don’t limit yourself, no matter what you choose. 

5. Career and Professional Development

Many of us either already have jobs, or are actively working towards securing one. This notebook could be used to keep track of every aspect of our professional development. For example, exploring career interests can be used to develop concrete plans for how to achieve professional success. You could use this journal to help keep track of the jobs you applied for, or keep track of the jobs you have already done. You could write about how long you held those positions for and what you learned during your time in that position or company. 

Note all that you have accomplished, such as your ideas and contributions to projects, or how you solved problems. Not only does this give you an opportunity to reflect on your professional life, but it can be really useful when you edit your resume and other professional documents, as well as your LinkedIn account.

Just remember that you can have fun with it too, and remember the more entertaining parts of the job and team, by recalling memorable events. Jobs can be boring and tedious sometimes, so remembering the fun things can incentivize you to start the job searching process.

6. Life Audit Lists

Sometimes there is a gap between our current and ideal life, and that is perfectly natural. There are several steps you can take to bridge that gap. Conducting a life audit is an incredibly useful tool to help you live your best and most fulfilling life. Analyzing the results of the life audit will encourage you to take responsibility and actively work on self-improvement. Below are just some ideas to help get you started: 

Goals - These could be daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, however you want to organize it. I personally would narrow it to three main goals so that it you aren’t overwhelmed, but you do whatever works for you. You can divide these goals into various categories, for example: academic, professional, social/personal, etc. And if it helps, divide those categories too, so that you can get a more comprehensive view of your life and develop a more specific plan for how to improve it. 

Seasonal Bucket Lists - Bucket lists are a really fun way to push yourself out of your comfort zone so that you can be more adaptable and can experience so much more than you would have otherwise experienced. Maybe there is something you’ve always wanted to do but never did. Write that down and make a plan to actually do it! You never know, you might discover things you actually enjoy doing and these experiences will help you get more out of life. Plus, it’s just really motivating to have things to look forward to! 

Self-Care Ideas - Prioritizing your mental health is absolutely necessary to get your life in order. So, make this a routine. Find things that you enjoy doing, whether it’s drinking tea or coffee, or meditating, or journaling, or something else entirely, and make it a point to do at least one thing a day that positively contributes to your mental health. And don’t be afraid to add more things to this list than any other one, because I truly cannot stress how important it is to not neglect your mental health. 

7. Habit/Skill Trackers 

Often times, the hardest part about making (or breaking!) a habit is just getting started.  That’s why I like to record my streaks for each habit that I would like to develop and maintain. One way you could track this in your journal is by writing the habit on one side and recording the number of days you’ve consistently done that habit on the other. You could also organize it like a chart, with the days of the week labeled on one side and the habits you want to develop on the other and you could cross off each day that you completed each habit. 

You could use this same approach for tracking your skills, as learning a skill is a habit itself. For example, if you want to learn computer languages or other technical skills to make yourself more professionally marketable, try to set aside an hour a day and integrate this into your daily routine. And don’t neglect developing soft skills, those are just as important. And don’t forget to monitor your progress in each skill, because having a visual representation of your progress can serve as a great motivator to continue developing skills!

8. Language Learning Progress

Language learning is both a wonderful and marketable skill. I know many of us are in the langblr community, and use resources such as Duolingo and Youtube among others. This is an excellent place to take notes on vocabulary and memory triggers for those terms, plural forms and tenses/conjugations for those terms, grammar rules and exceptions to those rules, example sentences such as the ones that Duolingo provides, and even your own original writing so that you can practice using your knowledge practically. 

However, as important as language learning is, it is also important to learn about the respective culture. Fully immerse yourself in understanding the culture to get a more clear picture of your global understanding. Languages and cultures shape each other to a certain extent, so it is important to give as much weight to learning the culture when you are learning a foreign language. 

9. Podcast/TED Talk Notes

Whether you like to listen to podcasts on your commute, or actively listen to them on Spotify or any other Podcasts app, taking notes from podcasts is always a good idea. I’ve personally been listening to TED Talks for approximately five years now, and I find these speeches, however short, to be extremely interesting and informative. Of course, you don’t need to just limit yourself to TED Talks, as all podcasts have value to different audiences. Noting your reactions to the information presented is also a good idea. Analyzing things will always lead to a deeper understanding and appreciation of the material, as well as developing your critical thinking skills.

10. Event Plans

There is so much to look forward to in life, such as vacations, graduation(s), birthdays, weddings and anniversaries, etc. This notebook allows you to store all your plans in one place! You could divide it into sections if you want to organize it and find your plans more easily. For example, for vacations, you could record where you would like to go, the prices of the plane tickets, where you’ll stay, what to pack for the trip, the itinerary and points of interest, the cuisine, the activities you’ll do there, really anything you can think of. For graduation, you could think of graduation cap decor ideas if that’s your thing, party themes, food, picture ideas, location, etc. For birthdays, same thing. Wedding and anniversary planning are on a whole other level of difficulty, so organization is key here, and this notebook would really help with organizing all the details.

I recognize that there is a lot of overlap with these ideas, so if you don’t want to dedicate an entire notebook for any individual idea, you can use these as series for your bullet journal. Or you could combine these ideas into a single journal. Also, if journaling is not your thing, you could create binders for these ideas, or any other ideas you come up with. 

I hope these ideas are helpful! :) 

What did you think of the list? Feel free to share your own ideas in the comments!

Teardrops on Lashes (Part 10)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: After the Chitauri invaded New York and nearly ended your life, you moved to Bucharest to get away from the superhero stuff. You simply wanted an uneventful, ordinary life. But when a stranger moves into the apartment next to yours, you begin to question those aspirations and choose to risk it all for love.

Warnings: the calm before the storm

Word Count: 5418

Teardrops on Lashes Masterlist

Previous: Part 9

Next: Part 11

--------------------------------------------

“So, I know I said I would give my left arm for a cup of coffee, but I am much more awake now and would like my arm back, please.”

You snickered as you continued to read your book. “Nope. You gave it up. It’s mine now.” You lifted your gaze up, locking onto the metal appendage that rested on your coffee table.

Bucky groaned as he walked out from the kitchen to join you on the couch. The left sleeve of his long-sleeved dark purple shirt dangled limply with no arm to fill it. He sat next to you with a pout. “Come on, doll. I need it back.”

“Then you shouldn’t have traded it for coffee,” you said sticking your bookmark into your book. You snapped the cover shut and set the novel down on the coffee table next to his arm.

He took a sip of coffee from the mug he was holding. “I didn’t think you’d actually take me up on it,” he pointed out glumly. “Come on, help me put this thing back on.” He set his cup down and carefully pulled his shirt off with his now free hand, exposing his torso and, inevitably, his shoulder.

No matter how many times you saw it, it still sent shivers down your spine. The area where the metal met the flesh was horribly scarred and disfigured, exposing how hard it was to integrate the material into his body. Whoever had done the procedure was either a madman or a genius to attempt it.

You picked up the arm, laughing at it’s awkwardness. “You know, eight or so months ago, I never would’ve guessed that I’d be helping my boyfriend reattach his arm to his body. I think I am the only girl to actually be able to say she’s done this.”

He laughed along with you. “Well you took it off in the first place so it’s only fair that you get to put it back on.” He rolled his shoulder and moved it over so it was closer to you. 

You hummed and lifted the arm so the edge was in line with the exposed metal. “Walk me through this again?” you requested as you set it up to be reattached.

“Put the arm close to the socket and start with attaching the inner clips,” he instructed slowly.

You did as you were told, working so that you would attach it properly. “Okay, next?”

“Open up the first panel and start hooking up the wires you had undone to get it off. Red goes with red, blue goes with blue, and so on,” he said with a chuckle as if it was obvious.

You slid your fingers under the metal and worked it off to expose the inner workings of the arm. You slipped your fingers into the machine and began to connect the wires.

He jolted slightly as every wire got reconnected, showing signs that the nerves and such were coming back online.

When you had finished, you closed the panel. You let your fingers linger over his arm and the red star integrated to it’s deltoid and looked up at him for confirmation. “Is that it?”

He shook his head. “No, there’s one more thing to do.” At your questioning gaze, he grinned and asked, “Kiss it better?”

You rolled your eyes. “Oh my god. You’re like an overgrown child.”

“I’m your overgrown child,” he pointed out as he leaned over and pressed a small kiss against your lips.

You hummed happily and shifted your body so you were sitting in his side. “Alright. We have a couple hours before we actually have to do stuff. I’m thinking Stranger Things marathon?”

He pressed his lips together as he reached over to the edge of the couch where is long sleeved shirt was sitting, patiently waiting to be put back on. He slipped it on over his head and glanced at you. “What about that show we were watching the other day? You know the one where the one guy keeps looking into the camera?”

Your eyes lit up. “Oh! The Office!” you snatched up the remote from the side table and turned on your small television. “Good choice, my friend.”

The TV flickered to life displaying the default news channel that always popped up when ever you turned on the TV. The newscaster was describing how the Avengers as well as the Wakandan royal family were just arriving in Vienna for the signing of the accords.

Your finger hesitated as it reached to press the button to queue Netflix as the newscaster talked about which Avengers would be joining them for the signing and which would not. You frowned as he mentioned that Steve Rogers, the infamous Captain America, would not be signing this morning. “Hmm. That’s a little bit of a shock,” you remarked with a shrug. “I thought he might sign, but I guess not.”

Bucky didn’t respond, instead he stared at the screen where Captain America’s picture was being displayed. His face was unreadable as he observed the hero’s features.

You turned to get a better look at his face. “Bucky? You alright?”

He blinked, snapping out of his brief daze. “Yeah?”

“Are you okay? You spaced out there for a bit.”

He shook his head and smiled. “Yeah, I’m fine. I just...” He looked off at the TV in thought. “Never mind. Can we watch The Office now?”

You nodded and pressed the button for Netflix. The title screen popped up and you quickly signed in. First up on your “Continue Watching for (y/n)” list was the show you were looking for and you clicked on it to resume from your spot somewhere in season two.

And so the binge began.

The show itself was bland and filled with dry humor, but you think that that was one of the reasons it was appealing to the pair of you. It dictated daily life and  added some humor to its mundane dealings. That and Dwight was so OCD that it made the both of you laugh and cringe at the same time. The both of you spent the next couple hours sitting there on the couch, content with doing nothing but chilling in each other’s company. It was only when time started to creep into the afternoon that you began to stir from your spot on the couch. 

You glanced at the clock and heaved a sigh. “Alright. Now we actually have to do stuff.”

Bucky whined from his spot. His arms were wrapped around your waist and his head was resting on the spot on your chest right above your heart. “But I’m comfy,” he protested.

“But we made a promise,” you retorted. “Come on. It’s not like it’s a huge deal.”

“But I don’t want to get up.’ He pouted and slowly sat up, unwinding his arms from around your body.

“Oh I know, Buck, I know. But I need your help. Now come on.” You patted his arm and hopped off the couch. “We’ve got chili to make!”

He groaned. “Why are we making them dinner again?”

“Because Nicole’s alone and pregnant and we’re good friends,” you said rolling up your sleeves.

Both of which were true. Andrei was away in Vienna for his work and he couldn’t get out of it. The Sokovia Accords were being signed that day and, despite the event being attended by nearly all the world’s most lethal superheroes, every security measure was being put in place. It’s like “security on steroids,” as phrased by Andrei when he called earlier that morning. You had figured your best friend was a little on edge as she usually was when he left for business, and the pregnancy hormones were probably not helping her case, so  you volunteered yourself and Bucky to make the family dinner so you could take a little bit of stress off her shoulders.

Besides, it’s not like you were trying to have a nice, domestic experience with your boyfriend of a little more than eight months. You totally didn’t have ulterior motives for volunteering your service or anything.

You pulled your apron from the oven’s handle and slipped it on over your head. As you reached behind to tie the strings around your waist, you looked over at Bucky. “You coming? I could use an extra set of hands.”

He tilted his chin up as he let his blue eyes flicker over your form. Finally, after a moment, he stood. “I may not be the best at cooking, but what kind of a gentleman would I be if I left my dame hanging?” He smiled and walked over to join you in the kitchen.

“A pretty bad one,” you answered with a teasing smile. “Now, can you dice the tomatoes while I get the meat cooking?”

He nodded and walked over to your knife block. Gently running his fingers over the handles, he gingerly picked up one of the smaller knives and retrieved your cutting board.

“Tomatoes are in the fridge!” you informed as you pulled out a pot from the cupboard under the counter. You set it down on the stove and turned on the heat. Glancing over your shoulder, you smirked at Bucky who was frowning in concentration as he prepared to cut his newly acquired vegetable. “Careful,” you warned. “Wouldn’t want to cut your finger.”

Bucky chuckled. “Trust me, doll. I have enough experience with knives to never cut myself ever again. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I will always worry about you,” you replied. “I care too much about you not to. Besides,” you chuckled as you filled the pot with the chopped onions and meat to begin cooking, “who knows what kind of trouble you can get yourself into when I’m not around.”

“Probably way more than the healthy amount,” he said with a shrug. His arm began to move rhythmically as he began to slice the tomato.

You bobbed your head in agreement as you turned back to the pot. The meat had browned so you started to add in the spices and beans. You stirred in the spices and beans, slowly adding in the tomato paste to the mixture. You glanced back over your shoulder after the entire can had been emptied. “How are those tomatoes coming?”

“They’re done,” Bucky answered as he carried the cutting board that held the small pile of diced tomatoes. He tilted the board towards the pot and scraped the small cubes into the chili with the flat end of his knife. He smiled his approval down at the meal. “It’s looking good, doll.”

You grinned. “Thanks, I try.” You continued to stir the mixture together for a bit. “Can you set the table for me?”

He nodded and walked over to your cabinet. The clinking of dishes rang out in the apartment as he began to set your table that seemed to be too small for the six people you had to cram at it. The multiple folding chairs you had to break out were circled around the table in more than a tight squeeze, but it wasn’t the first time your beloved dining set had to accommodate for more than the recommended capacity.

“Thank you!” you called over your shoulder! You gave the chili one more stir before lifting the wooden spoon and setting it to the side. You reached over to the silverware drawer and pulled out one of the smaller spoons. You sank it into the chili and lifted the spoonful up to your lips. You gently blew on the steaming meat and beans before tipping it into your mouth to test the taste. It wasn���t bad if you did say so yourself. Now all it needed was to sit and simmer to let the flavors blend while you waited for your guests to arrive.

As you reached over to grab the pot’s lid to cover the meal, you were halted by two arms snaking their way around your waist and a chin settling down on your shoulder. “How does it taste?” asked Bucky’s voice right next to your ear.

You giggled as his breath tickled your ear. “Grab a spoon and see for yourself.” The left arm unwrapped itself from around your waist and reached over to the silverware drawer. He pulled out a spoon and dipped it into the chili. After pulling it out, he fit it into his mouth. He hummed in content, the sound causing his chest to vibrate against your back. “This is really good. Have you ever considered becoming a chef?”

You snickered and slid the lid onto the pot. “Nope,” you said popping the p. “I can only make a few things right—pie and chili being two out of the five recipes I know.” You turned around in his arms so you were facing him and grinned. “Besides, I like my ‘hacker’ job and they gave me this whole week off. I don’t think that a chef’s job would’ve done the same.”

He paused to think for a moment before nodding in agreement. “I guess you’re right.”

“I know I’m right.”

He smirked at your confidence and his arms tightened around you. “Don’t get used to it, doll. You’ll find I’m right about most things.”

“We’ll see about that.”

The two of you fell into a comfortable silence as the conversation lulled. Just being there in each other’s arms was good enough for the both of you.

Eventually, Bucky lifted his hand up, cradling the back of your neck and rubbing small circles along the skin with his thumb. He turned his head in towards the crook of your neck and inhaled sharply. “Thank you...” he whispered after a bit.

You pulled back a few inches to look at his face. You tilted your head to the side. “For what?”

He smiled and his hand slid from your neck to your cheek. His eyes bore into yours, and he answered, “For being you, and for being with me.” He took his bottom lip in between his teeth. “These past few years... Well, to put it simply, they haven’t been the best. I’ve done a lot of running and a lot of hiding. But with you, life feels like it can be normal again. Even before we started being together, you were always going out of your way to make me feel welcome. You baked me a pie, for goodness sake, and you didn’t even know me.” He chuckled softly.

You smiled at the memory. It had seem so long ago that you were baking him the pie and coming home to his little “thank you” note he had slid under your door when really, it was less than a year ago.

“I never thought that I would find someone like you, much less have someone like you in my life. I really don’t deserve you, (y/n), and yet here you are.” He smiled and began to rub small circles on your skin with the padding of his thumb. “I care about you and words cannot describe how grateful I am for you and everything you do. You are, without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to me.” He smiled as he leaned in and slanted his slips against yours in a heartfelt kiss.

You were putty in his arms, just melting against his chest as you kissed him back. Your heart was soaring you wanted him to know how much you cared for him too. So you kissed him with everything you had, giving yourself over to the growing sensation of love that was billowing in your heart. When the both of you finally surfaced for air, he rested his forehead against yours, a dreamy smile on his face.

You opened your mouth to respond, but you were cut off by the chiming of the clock signalling the new hour. You glanced at the clock and your stomach dropped. “Oh, god! The time! They’re going to be over any moment!”

Bucky’s eyes flashed with disappointment as he unwrapped his arms from around your torso. He pressed his lips together. “I’m not done with you yet,” he noted as he walked over to your dresser. “We’re going to finish this after dinner.” He opened the tiny drawer at the top of the dresser and pulled out the pair of spare gloves he had been storing at your place.

You smiled softly as you watched him pull the flexible fabric over his hands. “Deal.”

The family arrived only moments later, the three children shooting into the apartment at lightning speeds with their mother waddling in after them. Nicole wasn’t heavily pregnant yet, but she was definitely showing and feeling the weight of growing a human inside her.

She smiled at you as she hobbled in. “(y/n)! James! It’s been too long!”

You grinned at your best friend. “It has, hasn’t it. The last time I saw you, you were flat as a board. But now...”

She chuckled as she rested her hand on the swell of her skin. “Baby number four is on their way.”

“Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy yet?” Bucky asked as he walked into the kitchen to retrieve the pot of chili.

She shook her head. “We find out next week. I think Andrei is hoping for another girl to even it out, but he won’t admit that.”

You chuckled. “She’d have him wrapped around her little finger. Heck, she’d probably have me wrapped around her finger if she wanted.” You grinned at the thought and led Nicole further into your apartment. “On a side note, who’s hungry?”

The chorus of “Me!”’s that rang out from the three children currently huddled around your boyfriend and his steaming serving bowl filled with chili was a good enough answer to make you laugh. 

“Alright, alright. Everyone to the table for some of Auntie (y/n)’s chili.

Within seconds, the whole family was seated in their desired chairs, leaving two empty spots side by side with one another for you and Bucky.

Bucky sat down after setting the bowl down on the table and set his napkin into his lap. “It looks amazing,” he said as he shifted his bowl, eager to get some of the meal.

You grinned as you picked up the ladle that was sitting in the bowl and began to dish out the steaming concoction out to the the different settings. As soon as chili was placed in each of their bowls, those around you began to top their chili with sour cream and cheese according to their individual preferences. You served yourself last, making sure each of them had their fill before getting yours and settling into your seat. You plunged your spoon into your now full bowl and began to eat.

All of you ate in silence for a while, taking in the initial bites to ease your hunger.

A good five minutes into the meal, Nicole glanced up at you over her bowl. “Thank you so much again for this guys. We appreciate it so much.”

“Yeah!” chimed Luca. “Thank you Auntie (y/n) and Uncle James.”

Bucky choked on the spoonful of chili he had been tipping into his mouth.

“Bucky!” you shouted as you began to pat his back gently. “Are you okay?”

He reached forward and grabbed his napkin. He held it up to his mouth as he coughed, wiping away the spare bits of bean that flew out with every hack. He lifted his eyes to stare at Luca. “U-Uncle?”

Liza nodded like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Yeah. You’re a part of the family now, Uncle James.”

You looked at Nicole while raising an eyebrow.

She laughed sheepishly. “Yeah... The kids have sort of adopted him in, much like they did you. And Andrei and I thought that since you were together it kind of made sense. Oh but this is a perfect lead on into something I wanted to ask you two.”

Bucky looked at her skeptically, partially doubting the whole situation.

She took a deep breath and rested her hands on her slightly swollen stomach.  “Will you two be the baby’s godparents?”

Your jaw went slack. “Wh-What? Are you serious?”

She nodded, her face becoming bright. “Yeah! You weren’t around when any of the others were born, and you are probably our closest friend. I don’t know who else I would ask to do this but you two.” She smiled.

Holy crap. “Yes!” you responded with a cheer. “Absolutely! I would be honored!”

Nicole beamed at you. “Good! What about you, James? You want to be a godfather?”

Bucky next to you was sitting in a stunned silence, his eyes trained on the spot in front of him. “You want me to be your baby’s godfather?” he asked in a strained whisper.

“Yes, James,” she said, her smile softening. “I haven’t known you for very long, but I know you’re a good person. The kid’s love you, (y/n) loves you, and that was enough for Andrei and me to have you be the new baby’s godfather. So, what do you say?”

A smile split his face and he began to nod his head, slowly at first but gaining momentum with every second. “I will.”

Nicole breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh good. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had said no.” She paused for a second before scrunching her nose in distaste. “Well I suppose we could’ve asked Andrei’s brother, but between you and me I think he’s a little weird.”

Bucky suppressed a laugh. “Well you don’t have to worry about that, Nicole. I’d be happy to be your baby’s godfather.”

You glanced over at him and smiled softly. He’d come a long, long way in the past eight months, going from James the new guy next door to now being the godfather of your best friend’s soon-to-be-born baby. It was amazing just what time could do to a person.

The meal ended an hour later after everyone had finished eating and telling stories about their day or catching up with each other. Finally, sometime after the sun had set, Nicole began to round up her kids to take them home.

“Thanks again so much, (y/n). We really owe you one.” She slipped on her sandals and knelt down to help Alexi put on his shoes.

“No you don’t,” you said back. “It was our treat for you guys. You’ve already helped us with so much.”

“Yes, but you’re doing so much to help us before the new baby comes it wouldn’t be fair for us not to repay you.” She hummed. “How about this. Andrei gets back sometime this week and afterwards why don’t we treat you to ice cream and a movie. We’ll leave the kids at home and have a double date?”

You glanced back at Bucky to see how he felt about it.

He paused for a second in thought before nodding. “Sounds like it could be fun. I’m in.”

You grinned. “Then it’s a date. We’ll see you next week. Take care.”

She picked her son up and grinned at you. “You too! Don’t do anything stupid before then.”

You laughed. “Who us? Pssh, we never do stupid things!’

She snickered and left, her other children trailing behind her like ducklings.

Finally alone in the apartment with no one else but you, Bucky’s shoulders relaxed as the tension seeped out. 

You turned around to face him, grinning as you did so. “So, Uncle James, how are you feeling?”

He breathed a laugh. “A little stunned, I’ll be honest. I didn’t expect them to be so welcoming.”

You chuckled as you walked towards him. “That’s the beauty of it though. They warm up to people pretty fast.”

“I’ll say.” He smiled and moved towards the table, picking up the dirty dishes as he went.

“Oh, no Bucky, I can do those.” You reached forward to take the bowls from his hands.

He shook his head. “Nonsense. You did the cooking, it’s only fair that I do the cleaning.” He grinned at you as he picked up the remaining bowls and carried them over to your sink. Turning on the faucet, he let the water warm up and grabbed the dish soap.

“Oh come on,” you whined. “I’ll feel useless. At least let me do the drying?”

He hummed as he began to scrub the first dish clean. “Okay fine.”

“Yay.” You dashed over and grabbed one of your towels. You took the bowl he passed you and began to dab it dry. When it was done, you reached up and placed it in the dish cabinet.

They two of you worked in perfect sync: cleaning, drying, putting away. You followed this routine until the dishes were finished and the stars were visible from your kitchen window. You had to admit that you wished the dishes had taken a little bit longer. Doing simple tasks with Bucky made them all the more fun.

But, alas, the dishes were done and there was nothing more to keep him standing in your apartment.

Bucky turned his head to look at you, his blue eyes soft and filled with love. “It’s been a long day and it’s late.  I should go,” he said with a smile. He started to walk towards your door to leave.

You didn’t want him to go, not one bit. And so, without thinking, you called out, “Wait!”

He froze in his movements and turned to face you with a confused expression on his face. “Stay the night?” you asked in a careful whisper. You didn’t know if you were moving a bit too fast with this request, but it wasn’t like you were wanting to sleep with him sleep with him. You just wanted him to stay. His expression was unreadable for a moment, and you were certain he was going to either laugh in your face or politely turn you down, but then he smiled and put his shoes back down. “Of course. Let me go get some pajamas and I’ll be right back. Okay?”

You nodded absently and he left the apartment to run next door.

Your mind shot into overdrive as you began to run around frantically. Holy crap had you really just asked him to stay the night and had he really just accepted? To be honest, you weren’t expecting this outcome and now you had to deal with the impending consequences of your request.

You dashed over to your dresser and pulled out a tight knit tank top and slid it on over your torso before roughly tugging on a pair of cotton sleep shorts. You wanted to be ready to go to sleep by the time he had gotten there so that way there was no awkward lull in the whole ordeal.

Damn were you nervous. Your mind swirled with thoughts as you ran to your bathroom to brush your teeth. Was this too soon? You pulled out your toothbrush. Were you rushing things? You squirted some toothpaste on the bristles. Did he think you were that kind of girl? You shoved the brush into your mouth and began to clean. What was he expecting?

Your mind refused to quiet down as you finished up in the bathroom and walked out.

Not seconds after you had exited, Bucky opened your front door and walked in.

He was dressed in a black muscle shirt, his thick arms on full display, and a pair of grey flannel pants. He was carrying a small bundle of clothes that consisted of a red long sleeved Henley, a black undershirt, jeans, and a heavy leather jacket all topped off with a black baseball cap. At your questioning expression, he smiled. “I figured that I ought to have something to change into tomorrow morning if I’ll be staying over all night.”

“Oh, right.” You chuckled and averted your eyes. “You’re free to use the top few drawers of the dresser. There’s nothing in them right now.”

He nodded in acknowledgement and lumbered over to the dresser. He deposited his clothes into one of the empty drawers and turned to you. “Go ahead and get in bed,” he said with a soft smile. “I’m just going to lock up and turn off the lights.

You nodded and scurried over to the bed. You climbed in and scooted to the far edge, hopefully leaving enough room for the large man to comfortably fit in behind you. You turned onto your side facing away from him, gripping the covers tightly.

There was the faint sound of clicks as Bucky locked the door and flicked the light off, plunging your apartment into darkness. From behind you, you could hear a soft scuffle as he walked around to find his way to your bed. Moments later, the mattress dipped under his weight and the covers were lifted off slightly. He slid under the blanket behind you and pulled it up over both your torsos. He wrapped his flesh arm around your waist while using his metal one to cradle his head. He pulled you close so your back was resting against his warm chest and like that, all your nerves melted away.

Being in his embrace did that to you: it calmed you down in ways you could never comprehend. You let out a content breath as you cuddled into him. “This is nice.”

You felt him nod into the back of your head and squeeze your midsection gently. “You’re cold,” he commented quietly.

“Or you’re just warm,” you remarked. “Seriously though, why are you so hot?”

He snickered. “Well, I’m told my rugged good looks make me—”

“You know what I meant!”

“You’re right, I did. But it’s fun to tease you.”

You hummed as you turned in his arms to face him. “Mhmm. You just like being  a punk.” 

His smiled at you. “Maybe.” He closed his eyes and moved his arm from your waist up to your shoulder, massaging small circles onto your skin. You know what we should do tomorrow?”

“Hmm?” He opened his eyes as he rubbed your shoulder tenderly.

You grinned. “Make a plum pie. We haven’t done that in a while.”

His eyes lit up in the darkness. “I’m up for that.”

“We’ll have to go out and grab the ingredients,” you continued, planning out the next day in your head. “Hopefully Lucinda won’t charge a fortune for the plums, but everything should work out. I have a little extra money bulked up in case they cost a bit more. And that also means we can get the more expensive stuff and—”

You were cut off by his quiet laughter. “Shhh, (y/n)...” he cooed as he continued to rub your back. “We can deal with that in the morning. But for now, sleep.” His eyes fluttered shut.

Silence overtook the both of you, and it was so peacefully blissful that you were certain you’d never felt such tranquility. You were still awake even after he had finally drifted off, not wanting the moment to end. If you could you would just freeze the moment in time and keep life that way forever. A sleepy smile covered your lips as you reached out and carefully brushed a strand of his dark brown hair away from his face. He looked so peaceful when he was asleep, and it made you happy to see him at ease. He always walked with such a tension in his step and it was nice to see the change. You let your fingers linger over his cheek, feeling the stubble from the beard he seemed to be trying to grow and your thumb traced small circles over his skin. 

He took a deep, shuddering breath at your touch and he smiled contently in his sleep.

You let your hand fall from his cheek and rest against the pillow in between you as you stared at his face. You allowed your eyes to flicker every which way across his features, almost as if they hoped to sear his face into your mind. It was then that you realized just how much he meant to you.

You sighed softly and snuggled deeper into his chest. “I love you, James Buchanan Barnes,” you whispered quietly, the silence the only response.

Credit for the first line goes to @buckykingofmemes

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Why Castiel/Hannah should be a more mainstream ship

This is going to be a long essay, but I need to say it. For those of you who follow me, I’ve said a lot of the same things before, but I think it's finally time to address the naysayers head-on.

Now, before I continue, and before people accuse me of attacking their ship, that’s not what I am trying to do. Yes, Destiel shippers irritate me sometimes, but it’s not the ship itself that annoys me, it's the toxic haters that make up the ranks of that ship. You know who you are. I have every respect for Destiel, Megstiel, and any other ship, really. Just because I personally don’t ship it doesn’t mean I disrespect or hate on it.

But I also think that it's time that my ship also gets the recognition it deserves. And it’s time that Hannah, as a character, gets the respect she deserves. I am always disappointed by how little credit she gets from the fans, I am continually seeing mood boards, aesthetics, collages commemorating the women of Supernatural, or the angels of Supernatural and Hannah is regularly absent from these boards. And she deserves way more than to be forgotten.

I hope that, with the show coming to an end, people who plan to rewatch the show through will remember her and give her a chance to shine.

To illustrate why I think that Hanstiel should be counted among the more popular ships that in involve Castiel, I’d like to debunk the top 10 arguments I have had thrown in my direction by people who think they can bully me away from loving Hannah and Hanstiel.

But they are literal siblings!

Ugh. This argument. Okay if that’s what you think, fine, that’s your opinion, but you need to realize that this is up to personal interpretation. Yes, the angels consider themselves siblings, but it’s evident that the SPN writers don’t necessarily consider this a literal thing because there are a few incidents of angel pairings. Daniel and Adina, fallen angels, were clearly lovers. Also, if Chuck created angels, he also created humanity, but do you consider some random Human on the street your sibling? This is really an old argument, and it doesn’t hold much stock, but it's really up to personal belief about the show. You can’t force your views about this on me, and you can’t try to persuade me your opinion is right because it is just that- your opinion. Mine is valid too.

Also, a side note. If you ship Wincest but pull this ‘angels are siblings’ card, then you are a hypocrite.

But Caroline Johnson was married!

And? So was Jimmy Novak. Are you trying to imply that because Caroline was a woman, she needed to return to her husband any more than Jimmy Novak needed to return to his wife? This argument reeks of misogyny.

Hannah abandoned Castiel when she found out about his borrowed grace.

Yes, she did. But think about it from her point of view, she had this unwavering trust in Castiel as her leader and what he did was considered abhorrent to her and her fellow angels. Finding this out from Metatron instead of Castiel himself was no doubt a shock to her, and it left her scrambling to figure out how to reconcile this blow to her faith in him. And this doubt didn’t last long, as soon as she realized what was going on, she went right back to him and resumed her unwavering trust in him.

Hannah tried to tell Castiel to kill Dean

Again, see it from her point. She was trying to grasp and process what she had just learned. And she knew that angels were blowing themselves up in Castiel’s name. She didn’t want to believe it was true and she needed something to cling to. She doesn’t know the Winchesters, as well as Castiel, does, she has no reason to trust them, and she doesn’t understand the bond Castiel has with them.

Hannah tortured Castiel in season 11

No, Ephraim and Jonah tortured him. And even though it was revealed that Hannah was in on it, it also clear that she was pressured into it. Just look at how Ephraim and Jonah talk to her, they were very disrespectful to her, and it was clear this was their idea. And whatever part she played in this, she protested it, and in the end, she fought and died saving Castiel. She literally gave her life for him.

It’s Hannah’s fault Gadreel committed suicide!

No, it's not. Hannah came down to the prison, and it's clear she wanted to try to understand Castiel’s stance. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have been down there in the first place. Castiel and Gadreel didn’t need a guard. She was trying to sort it all out, and Gadreel acted impulsively.

Hannah is hot-tempered and impulsive

Hell yeah, she is. She tried to attack Tessa when Tessa called her weak, and she totally started the fight with Adina. Oh, and we can’t forget how she smashed Metatron’s face into the bars for making a sexual remark towards her. But that’s all what makes her an awesome character. She has flaws. As a writer myself, I can tell you that perfect Polly's are no fun at all. Hannah had depth, she was complicated. She was brave and badass, but she certainly had apparent flaws. Besides, are you trying to tell me the Winchesters don’t have flaws? Hannah is badass.

Hannah was obviously meant to be Castiel’s love interest

Yeah, she probably was, but I mean so? Can’t Castiel have a little happiness in his life? Besides, she wasn’t just that. She was his second in command, she was a leader in her own right. She even led heaven! She wasn’t only Castiel’s love interest, she was amazing in her own right.

If you don’t ship Destiel, then you are a homophobe!

First of all, I am a bisexual woman. I am allowed to be attracted to both men and women, and it’s obvious that I am crazy about Hannah. Also, it's okay for me to prefer het relationships. I happen to be married to a man. I am generally attracted to what I can relate to, and there should be no shame in that. In any case, I don’t need to justify my interests to you. And anyway, you do know that Hannah took a male vessel at the end right? And that Castiel took a female vessel in the past?

Castiel obviously loves Dean!

Okay. Like I said, I respect all ships. But you are going to have to come to terms that in addition to Dean and Sam, Castiel also loved Meg and Hannah. He may have even harbored feelings for Kelly Kline. Since none of those ships became completely canon, we the fans, must interpret what we will about it. I don’t ship Destiel, Megstiel, or Castiel/Kelly Kline but I respect that Castiel may or may not have feelings for any one of them in canon. The world may never know if this was so. Chemistry is in the eye of the beholder. I could see clear signs that Castiel had feelings for Hannah, and I can document such signs, but that’s what fiction is. It’s something that’s not real in the first place so we the fans are free to interpret what we see as we will.

And here are some points I want to make as to why Hannah is amazing and why she is precisely what Castiel needed.

Hannah is the kind of rare angel that Gabriel was talking about back in season 9. The type that is more than a machine built to obey

Hannah has empathy. She is a rather passionate angel. This is her strength and her inner struggle. She is an angel, bound by her instincts to obey and stuck in her strict principles of angel code, but it's pretty clear that she doesn’t obey without question. In many ways, she is a lot like Castiel was in season 4, but unlike Castiel, she seems to have had these feelings all along. Castiel had to learn them. In “meta-fiction,” Gabriel claimed that he and Castiel were rebels because they were different than other angels. And I think that Hannah was another one of those rare ones, with the potential to understand free will.

She never once brought up Castiel’s past nor never appeared to resent him or hold a grudge against him or feared him for what he did to heaven

All throughout season nine, when Castiel was without grace, whenever he encountered another angel, they were quick to blame him for the fall. They actively hated him or even feared him. Some even tried to kill him. Many still resented him for the war with Raphael. Pretty much all the angels Castiel encountered harbored these feelings towards him, but when Castiel met Hannah in that warehouse, she lacked that resentment. She had just been tortured by Gadreel and left in a room full of dead angels, and when she met Castiel, she knew who he was. She never once brought up the war with Raphael, or even the fall, something she herself was a victim of and was no doubt traumatized by. She never feared or hated Castiel.

She was devoted to him in a way that no one in the show has ever been

Castiel really needs someone who could devote themselves to him the way that he would devote himself to them in return. Hannah fits the bill. She listened to him when he taught her about humanity. I mean, really listened. And throughout their road trip, she was more concerned with trying to help with Castiel’s fading grace than she was with her mission. His suffering and deterioration clearly bothered her. Even though she acted on impulse many times, she’d listen to him as he explained why things are the way they are here on Earth.

She was even willing to make a deal with Metatron

This one is a big one because it proves that Hannah is like a Winchester! How many times has Sam or Dean made a deal to save one another? They would pick each other over the world any day. And has either of them ever made that sacrifice for Castiel? Well, Hannah was going to. She knew full well the possible consequences of letting Metatron out, but she was willing to do it to save Castiel’s life. If he hadn’t gotten there, she would have. I think it was a surprise to Castiel because no one has ever cared about him like that.

She literally begged him to take care of himself

It’s clear that Hannah had feelings for Castiel, and they motivated her to be concerned with. Maybe Castiel was uncomfortable with her affections because he’s not used to someone being concerned with his well being? Which is really sad if you think about it. Regardless of her feelings for him, Hannah was concerned that Castiel wasn’t taking care of himself. She begged him to try to save his own life or to at least be as concerned about it as she was. And he continued to blow her off and dismiss her, probably because poor Castiel does not value his own life. If he did, then he would at least be willing to try to work with her to find a plan to save himself instead of literally having to have the king of hell step in to save them both.

Castiel trusted Hannah enough to implore her to carry on in his place if he died.

When it became clear that Castiel may not make it to carry out his mission, to help Dean or to find the rogue angels, when Hannah confronted him and implored him to do something about his grace, even reminding him of his mission, he asked her to carry on in his place. She doesn’t think she could do it, but he did. He trusted her, he saw something in her that she didn’t see herself. He believed in her and thought that she was more than worthy of taking his place if he died. That right there is huge.

She is one of the very few angels to ever give up her vessel, and her actions inspired Castiel so much that he decided to look into Claire’s life after all this time.

Hannah did the one thing that even Castiel himself could not do. She admitted she had feelings for him and more than anything, she wanted to stay with him and see where their feelings lead them. She wanted that very badly, but then she encountered Caroline’s husband, and she was reminded about the life she had taken away, and she put her feelings aside to give Caroline her life back. Anyone could see how heartbroken Castiel was to see her go, but he was so inspired by her act of selflessness that he looked into Claire’s life.

In “Meta-fiction,” Metatron explained that he ordered Gadreel to kill all the angels in the warehouse but leave one alive. Gadreel chose to spare Hannah. Did he pick her at random or did he sense that she was different and that she had the power to persuade Castiel to be a leader?

I mean everyone else around them noted how well matched they were. The tow-truck driver, Adina, Metatron, even Crowley. Maybe Gadreel sensed that Hannah was not like other angels and that she might have the power to be an influence in Castiel’s life. Of course, his motives were less than good, but I think he knew that Castiel would respond to someone like Hannah, someone who was like him or had the potential to be.

It’s my headcanon that Castiel and Hannah both have autistic characteristics

This is the last stance, and it is something very personal to me. I am on the Autism Spectrum, and I hold the opinion that Castiel and Hannah both have Aspie characteristics and that if they were Human, they would surely be on the spectrum. This is the single reason why I love Hannah so much. Do you realize how marginalized us aspie girls are in mainstream media? There are so few of us, and most Autistic characters in fiction are male. It is hard to be autistic and female, and here is the one character I can admire and relate to because she is like me.

So there you have it. The case for Hannah and for the Castiel/Hannah ship. I don’t think it should be considered a rare-pair anymore. It is just as relevant as any of the popular pairings concerning Castiel. This will always be my one and only OTP. And Hannah is and always will be my favorite character. Her and Castiel both. I am a Cas girl and a Hannah girl. Just wondering if there are any other true Hannah girls out there.

Regarding my TWD/Negan fics

I know nobodys asked but I feel like I owe you an explanation. So a few months ago I started the sequel to The Other Woman, my first Negan fic and first TWD fic posted here. It wasn't doing so great and it hurt a little but perhaps my timing of posting wasn't great as TWD was on hiatus. Now I will resume writing Coming Down when TWD comes back for its ninth season.

But here then comes another dilemma I'm faced with. I don't love TWD as much as I used too and neither does the fan base. Thats due to poor writing and killing of stapple characters that were always going to have a huge imapct on the story. The fact that now Rick is going, I personally cant see the show lasting much longer. Or at this rate it needs to end before we all turn against it.

Im saying this because whilst I'm going to watch season 9, I can't say I'll be enthusiastic about it, which in turn might take a toll on how often I update Coming Down. Its hard to write for a fandom thats source material now sucks all motivation from you. Its hard to write for a fandom that your slowly falling out of love wity because of poor writing and production decisions.

I will continue my Negan fics, I love him and I love Roxy. I also feel like it would be a let down to just stop these fics when thats what got me a small following in the first place. Also all the hard work, effort and planning I've put in isn't going to be for nothing. Hey spite is a good motivator.

Im also finding my writing muse elsewhere and starting to upload fics for other fandoms.

I hope upon TWD airing again, people will become interested in my fics again and that people are understanding and patient with me. Thank you. <3

27 Feb 2018, interview on 'Minna no News': 

Interviewer (I) "Congratulations on your amazing results!" Yuzu "Thank you."

(I) "How are you feeling, the medal has the weight of something you wanted from the bottom of your heart, I assume?"

Yuzu "Yes I am feeling the weight of it. But this is not the weight that only I can carry around. It was achieved by the effort of everyone. So I want to share this 'weight' with them."

(I) "I am sure there are many people who were happy for you. Please, take a seat"

Yuzu "Thank you."

(I) "We had you and Shoma in this show after the 2017 World Championships. You won the gold and you were smiling. Yet you looked like you were still in a fight towards the Olympics. Compared to back then, you now look that you are finally freed."

Yuzu "Yes, I actually feel being released now. It was like facing a dead end with no luck left. I cornered myself, and it was quite a difficult situation. I bet and sacrificed so many things. So I am fulfilled as all my sacrifices and work paid off, in a way."

(I) "Would you summarise that the past 4 years was all for the gold medal?"

Yuzu "Well, it was not just for the Olympics. However, everything was done for skating, for sure. Of course, everything was linked to the Olympics but I put my best effort in all competitions one by one. The consequence of all effort led me to the Olympics."

(I) You spoke of sacrifices, so there were a lot of hardships...

Yuzu: Yes... for the sake of skating, I had to choose what to take and what to give up a lot. But given the consequence that brought me this happiness and the happiness to all my supporters, I am glad (I did what I did)"

(I) "So you think you received massive support?"

Yuzu "That's right. Of course I had big support to recover from my ankle injury. But I have never felt, not even once, that I could skate only with my own strength. I really think it was all due to the support."

<chart of past 4 years> (I) "Here is the brief history of your last 4 years. Were you thinking about winning the next Olympic gold medal straight after Sochi in 2014?"

Yuzu "Yes, I was thinking about it."

(I) "Was your next goal the gold in Pyeongchang already?"

Yuzu "Yes"

(I) "(scrolling down the screen) Look at this. There was the accident, sickness, injuries. How do you describe your last 4 years?"

Yuzu "Well...It was long. So many things happened and it was a meaningful time. But I always had a life with big ups and downs anyway, the earthquake, closing of the rink. I have been living a life of many obstacles all the time. So looking back now I've come to understand that's how my life goes."

(I) "You pick Seimei which you scored the world highest record with in 2015 to reuse. Was it a part of your gold winning plan?"

Yuzu "Yes. Since that season when I broke the world record many times, I have already decided to use this programme in Pyeongchang. It is my masterpiece and the one I can perform really well."

(I) "And on your road to Pyeongchang, the injury happened in November last year. How did you feel when it happened?"

Yuzu "Yes it was a rough time... (watching the scene of the fall) ohh ouch.... It's really painful...."

(I) "Ahh does it hurt by watching it, oh I'm so sorry..."

Yuzu "It was a hard time for sure, but people who cheer for me continuously cheered for me. And the skaters I respect and admire kept on raising the voice that they believed in me. So I strongly felt that I had to believe in myself."

(I) "I assume that you felt fear, panic, frustration during the injury time?"

Yuzu "I certainly had frustration. When I resumed practise, I decided to take painkillers as I could not jump due to the pain. I was panicking after the decision as there was not much time left."

(I) "Did you feel pressure that you cannot betray your fans and supporters?"

Yuzu "I did feel a sense of responsibility, but it was not a feeling of betrayal or not. It was more like a duty. Knowing people whom I admire believe in me. Because I could believe in them, it was not so much about if I could believe in myself. Their words naturally sank in me. So I always had a confidence to win"

(I) "How did you train in Canada when you could not skate?"

Yuzu "The training for figure skate actually does not have many options for that situation. For example, there is a training called rotation practice which we jump and do rotations on the ground. Or we practise in front of a mirror as we do some ballet-like moves. But this time I had some training tips and ideas from short track and speed skating to keep my cardio. I also used a stationary bike."

(I) "Did you feel prepared and confident when you landed in Korea?"

Yuzu "On the day before I flew into Korea, my condition finally reached the level that I aimed for. I was feeling disappointed until that day, thinking 'Oh no, I can't win when my jumps are so bad'...but on the previous day of my departure I finally could jump alright. So I was confident."

<9:06> (I) "How do you look back on your SP and FS?"

Yuzu "SP was good. Even FS, I did everything I had to do."

(I) "We all cheered 'yes Hanyu is back' in SP. Did you feel calm to go back to the competition after a long while?"

Yuzu "No I wasn't calm. It could have been different if it wasn't the Olympics, but fortunately I had a confidence as the gold medalist in Sochi. I experienced it, and I let myself admit my confidence from that experience. It eventually worked well for the good result."

(I) "People talk about artistic quality of the performance. How do you think about the balance of technique and artistry of figure skate?"

Yuzu "Artistry is only possible if you have technique. [t/n. then he says it's just like artists who paint....] [we are not sure how to best translate his analogy, so it’s omitted.]

(I) "So you need to build up technique for the beautiful artistic performance?"

Yuzu "Yes. Technique itself IS the artistry."

<Pooh rain > (I) "The Pooh rain was bigger than usual. Did you feel the cheers of your fans more than usual?"

Yuzu "Yes, especially for the last lutz jump, I was fighting with some anxiety and pain, and I almost fell. I think the fans literally 'supported' me."

<about the scores> (I) "Let us talk about a little more technical stuff. The GOE of your SP. Your 3A got +3. How do you, the skaters, read those?"

Yuzu "The jumps. 3A, 4S, 4T, their max GOE is +3. So I check them first. But please also look at the spin and the step sequence. You might think the spin only got 1.4 but the max GOE of spin is 1.5. And the max for step sequence is 2.10. So it is huge that I could get good GOE in those elements."

(I) "let's look at your FS. Your 3A got +3 in SP, 2.14 in the 3A combo in FS. And you mentioned 4A in the press conference. Does it mean the axel jump is so special to you?"

Yuzu "Well, when you look at the score, 4S, 4T, and 4S of the 2nd half all got high GOE. I think it was the reason I could win. As for Axel, yes I have special feelings for it.  The first jump I did after the earthquake, when I resumed my training on the ice, was 3A. So it was like my new start line. So yes, 3A is very special to me."

(I) "Now Pyeongchang is over. I understand your next motivation is 4A. What about other goals, such as breaking the world record score again?"

Yuzu "No, I am not thinking about that. We have been told for a while that the rules would change (after the Olympics), we have no idea how the new rules will affect the scores, including the world highest score. For the last 4 years under the current rule, I could achieve the world highest score in all three, SP, FS and the total. I think that is the result of all my hard work."

(I) "Regarding 3 consecutive Olympic golds that no one has done before, how much feeling do you have for it now?"

Yuzu "None. (Hosts: None??? Hahaha. ) Before I talk about if I can do it or not, my answer to the question if I want to become a three consecutive gold medalist, is NO. But um...... if I could go, I will win. That's how I feel."

(I) "It can be said, you have become a 2-time gold medalist that even Plushenko whom you admire could not reach. Do you feel like that?"

Yuzu "Not at all."

(I) "He participated in the Olympics 4 times."

Yuzu (pointing at the sign 'withdraw' for Sochi) "It would be Gold if he could compete."

Yuzu "He had to withdraw from his single event but he still skated amazingly in the team event. I was in the same competition field with him and I somehow won. But he is still a legend after all and I could come this far because his words always motivated me."

(I) "Could you please write your current motivation or your goal as a figure skater? You don't feel burnt out, do you?"

Yuzu "No, I am not burnt out."

[Yuzu writes the words 'Perfect package'.]

(I) "Maybe you mention that all the time but please explain to us."

Yuzu "I've never said this before." (haha.....) Yuzu "My coaches always talk about 'total package'. It means you are good in all aspects of skate. 'Perfect package' means you are perfect in all elements and aspects. I know 4A will get a lot of attention from now. But within me, to me, I want to aim at becoming a skater who is perfect in everything. Everything is perfect, on my scale. That’s what I want to be."

------- 

Translated by Rena Moriguchi in YHIFG;  video thanks to pino16.17.  (for the hosts’ words, only the main points are translated.)

[Do not use nor re-post without permission] 

Taggy stuff while I’ve yet to update this blog with actual langblr stuff

Thanks to @uni-venture for tagging me! I realize I’ve not been updating this langblr as much as I had hoped to, but I recently started a new job and (semi) moved to a new house (I still go to my old house on the weekends, since my job is far away from home), and I recently enrolled in a master’s degree so I’m kinda all over the place right now with everything new that’s going on. I’ll just wait for things to settle down, probably about a month or so, then I’ll resume my daily Japanese learning! I really need a ton of motivation right now to carry on and be productive with everything

RULES: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, and tag nine people! AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake up to dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans and overalls • I play an organized sport • I love dogs • I am not scared of adventure • I love to talk to strangers • I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midnight most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words EARTH: I wear glasses • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian or vegan • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

I actually don’t yet know 9 people?? on this blog? I really want to go out and make friends but that’s not happening when I’ve not been online in like 3 weeks or so... So if you see this on your dash, then consider yourself tagged! :)