#i keep trying to talk myself out of it because it feels.......... almost appropriative and i've never seen people talk about the symptoms | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thefantasyden · 2 months

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Stray Kids reaction to you grabbing their dick (subtly) around people

Kind of exhibitionist themes. NSFW of course. Nothing too kinky.

Chris:

Ohhhh boy, he's so turned on, but he's also embarrassed because of how much it turns him on. Chris loves your confidence and boldness above all else, so he can't help but feel a little pride when your hands reach behind you to rest against his dick. He really did have pure intensions when he came up behind you for a hug while you were talking to people but his thoughts have definitely turned sinful and he'd be tugging you closer to him so that he could press his dick against your ass all under the guise of being a cute, clingy boyfriend. He'd probably be throbbing against you if someone commented on how cute you two were or how sweet he was to you because he fully intends to have you begging him for mercy when he finally gets you alone. I genuinely just think he would be SO turned on my any hidden dirty displays from you in public where he was the only one who could know what's happening. Call it subtle exhibitionism if you will, but he'd be hard as hell and whispering his dirty thoughts in your ear every time.

"If you want me to bend your pretty ass over the couch when we get home, you coulda just asked me."

Lee Know:

Grins like the Cheshire Cat. He would be SO proud. It's not exactly a secret that you're his personal slut but he just lives for the affirmation of you not being able to keep your needy hands off him. If you're hanging out with the older members when it happens and you subtly slid your hand from his thigh to his dick, he would immediately call you out on it to embarrass you because he knows you'd like it. He's only turned on further when you sass him in response, and he probably wouldn't wait long to be tugging you to a place where he could have you all to himself. He's a bit of an exhibitionist but I think he'd also be possessive, so prepare for him to be taunting you before he lets you touch him further. He'd make you tell him all about how you just couldn't keep your hands to yourself because you're always needy for him. He treats you so so well when he finally lets you have him, and he'd be praising you for being his desperate angel. To him, it would evolve be another form of intimacy unique to you, and it probably becomes a normal habit after a while for you to have your hand on his dick when you're just hanging out.

"Aw, look, my baby just can't keep their hands off me, huh? You're always so desperate."

Changbin:

He wouldn't even realise it was weird at first because you're always groping him, and he does the exact same to you. He's always gripping your ass or your thighs when you're in reach of him, so you gripping his dick when you were sitting at dinner wouldn't register for him until he feels your hand move up his length and when that happens, he's coughing to try and cover up his moan because holy hell is it hot in this place. He's encouraging it for sure, and I think he'd actually like it if one of the other members caught you. It'd probably be Jisung because he's your partner in chaos and he'd see your hand slipping under a blanket when you were relaxing with them, immediately asking if you two ever thought about anything else with a smirk and Changbin would just let out the silliest, excited laugh in response. He loves your hands on him, but he also always manages to get a giggle out of you in most sexual scenarios (which gets him even more riled up because he l o v e s hearing you laugh.)

"Have you SEEN my baby? You're lucky I'm controlling myself right now like a civilised man."

Hyunjin:

He'd be turned on and a little irritated because it almost always happens when you're at an event that you can't leave. You were always flirty with him, and that was perfectly normal and acceptable with people around, but you hugging him and sliding your hand down to grope at his already half hard length was something he really could not find an appropriate reaction to. His expression would almost give it away if he hadn't been whispering a warning to you. Never mind that having you with him and having the two of you being praised for looking so good together while he showed you off already had him counting the seconds until he could get his hands on you. His behaviour wouldn't change throughout the night, but his grip on you would be tighter, and he'd be quieter than usual. You would almost believe he was upset with you if it wasn't for the anamoured smile he couldn't stop whenever you were talking to someone. The second you're in a private spot, he's scolding you for making him feel so out of control.

"I really need you to behave until we get back to the room and I can have you whining under me, ok?"

Jisung:

Confused and needy. Hell, he hardly has time to be confused because they way his body reacts so strongly to you has him pleading in your ear for you to help him relieve a little pressure, your cupped hand resting over his dick after you came to bring him coffee in the studio. He's just glad Chris and Changbin are focused on what they're doing and can't spare any attention to his whining when he pulls you on to his lap so he can hide his face in your hair as he pants against your neck. He's just so sensitive to your touch, and he can't help it. Poor boy is trying so hard not to grip your thighs too hard or fidget too much. Usually, when he's desperate like that, he'd be so vocal, but that's impossible when the other two are so close by. He'd survive MAYBE 10 minutes TOPS of you sitting in his lap before he's trying to convince the boys that he feels sick (which they don't buy, but they don't feel like dealing with him) and he's dragging you back to the door. I think he's just so in love with you that he wants to have you in any way he can at all times.

"Shit... That feels so good baby. No no, please don't stop. I just want a little more."

Felix:

Depending on the day, I think he'd either be kind of cocky and into it, or he'd be bright red (but still into it!). Felix strikes me as someone who has a high sex drive when he feels a deep connection with someone and you just so happened to tend to his needs so well that he's ready to go whenever you show interest. You'd be sitting in the car coming home from something, and your hand would carefully drop to his lap, fingers barely stroking over his dick but he's getting hard regardless. He loves your light, ticklish touches, and his thoughts are spiralling to how they feel on his bare skin and how similar it feels when you trail kisses down his chest and, well, he needs you. He covers your hand with his and presses it down so he gets a little bit of relief but is also stopping you from torturing him any further. Once you're home, he'd playfully call you dirty between kisses and it would entertwine with 'I love you's and whispers of how beautiful you are and how badly he needs to have you touch him again. Lots of messy kisses and giggles before you even make it to the bed.

"You don't even know how hard that was! How am I supposed to act normal when you've got that innocent face and you're touching me like that?"

Seungmin:

I don't care if you're team Dom Minnie or Sub Minnie, I think he'd be FLUSTERED. Seung doesn't strike me as an exhibitionist at all, and he'd react so instantaneously to your touch that it has him aggressively flushed and confused. He'd take a second to respond when he first felt your hand on him, but he'd push it away once it registers, scowling and whisper-yelling that you can't do that when people are around! He doesn't mean to sound harsh, he's just so embarrassed (and maybe also really turned on) that the words come out more aggressively than he intended. Once he's calmed down, though, he'd scoot closer to you and interlock your fingers, gently kissing your cheek and apologising for the way his scolding came out. He loves that you want him, he just needs it to be at a time when he can respond freely. Don't worry though, because he'll make it up to you when you're alone. He'd be kneeling between your legs as quickly as possible, kisses littering your thighs as his hands pushed them apart.

"Let me make show you how much I need you, ok? I wanna taste you."

I.N

Just like Lixxie, he depends on the day. If it's a really public setting, he's embarrassed and moving away from you BUT if it's a small group with maybe one or two of the other members, he's pulling you closer to him and bucking his hips against your hand, encouraging you to continue. On rare occasions like movie nights where you're hidden under fluffy blankets, he wants you to jerk him off. He's a young man, he has a lot of dirty thoughts. It's definitely not his fault! He'd taunt you with whispers of how good he'll make you feel later and how hard he is, all for you and god, when he finally feels your hand wrap around him properly, he has to squeeze his eyes shut and pray that nobody notices his panting or the way he seemingly can't get comfortable all of a sudden. He doesn't like to finish like that, though, and he doesn't think about what anyone says when he drags you to his room. All he cares about is getting his lips on yours, hands groping at whatever he touches first as he cages you against his mattress.

"I know you love seeing me like this. I'm so hard for you. I wanna fuck you so fucking bad."

#stray kids smut #skz smut #lee know smut #bang chan smut #changbin smut #felix smut #minho smut #chan smut #chris bang smut #hyunjin smut #han smut #jisung smut #seungmin smut #i.n smut #jeongin smut #thefantasyden

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turvi · 11 months

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Chicks Dig Bad Boys

Rodrick Heffley x Reader

According to Y/n, Rodrick was just another emo boy, a loser, a typical teenage dirtbag. At least, this is what she heard from Heather Hills. Y/n was shocked Heather even chose to talk to her. Not just because Heather is the 'it girl' of Westmore High School.

Y/n had cracked the code to deal with high school, and that was to avoid joining any kind of group and not get noticed by anyone. Even if you somehow develop a crush on someone, keep it a secret. So she was surprised when Heather sat beside her and decided to talk to her. Y/n merely shrugged her shoulder and nodded at appropriate times as she spoke, tuning out the blonde girl.

Of course, you were aware of the crush the boy was harbouring for Heather especially when he made a show of ruining Heather's birthday. Y/n saw it all happen and thought how Rodrick actually had a nice voice and had potential. So when Rodrick happened to sit beside her in the English class she off-handedly complimented his voice.

Y/n had expected him to give her a smug smile or make an inappropriate joke. What she didn't expect was to find a very flushed Rodrick who was trying to find the correct words to say to her. She couldn't believe her eyes. She never saw Rodrick become so flustered.

"Uh..th..thank you...it...it means a lot." Rodrick wanted to slap himself for speaking like forgot how to speak. Yeah sure he got a few claps and hollers when his band played but no one complimented his voice.

"Was that the first time you sang?" now she was intrigued. Rodrick looked up and saw a genuine smile on her face. He took a breath of relief. He had thought she was making fun of him.

"Uh..yeah. I only sing when we perform in my garage. I wanted to do something special for Heather. But clearly, it went wrong." he said as he ran his hand through his hair. Y/n almost extended her hand to fix his unruly hair but dropped her hand when she saw him smile. She felt her heart flutter

Shit

Now she had something to say to Rodrick, but she forgot when she saw him smile like that. Boys like him were not supposed to smile like that. He was not supposed to have such a soft smile. Her trance broke when she saw him smirking.

"I saw you last night...not in a creepy way. I mean... obviously, during all that chaos at Heather's birthday, I saw you." there was that damned smile again. "I didn't know you were friends with her." His tone had a genuine wonder.

Y/n chuckled. "I helped her a few times with assignments..not really a friend, but we know each other, plus free food. Who can say no to that?"

Y/n felt her cheeks warming up under his gaze and tried to hide it under the curtain of her hair when she suddenly felt his fingers against her cheek as he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. At that moment, she realised Rodrick actually saw her. She realised Rodrick was more than a teenage dirtbag that the world told her to stay away from.

She cleared her throat "I have heard your band play...when I come to tutor Greg."

Rodrick's hand grew sweaty. He knew how loud his band practice was, mainly to annoy Greg and his best friend Rowley. But he can't help but felt guilty as he realised how much of a nuisance it would have been for her.

"I am so sorry if our practice disturbed you guys"

"Oh no it's ok..I actually don't mind. I like that kind of music. Although it would be nice if the volume is a bit low."

"yeah...yeah absolutely...no big deal we can even practice a bit later."

Rodrick looked ahead trying his best to control a giddy smile. He did not expect his morning to be this good.

"Great...so I will see you in the evening..if you don't mind"

"yeah yeah totally" Rodrick quickly responded with a big smile. He was looking forward to meeting her this evening...after he locked Greg in the basement again.

A/N: Ladies and Gentlemen the boy who got me into bad boys. Rodrick Heffley. I couldn't stop myself from writing for him. I feel like a teen again. REBLOG AND COMMENT if you like this.

#rodrick heffley x reader #rodrick heffley x y/n #rodrick x y/n #rodrick x reader #rodrick heffley #rodrick rules #diary of a wimpy kid #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick rules #diary of a wimpy kid rodrick #rodrick imagines #devon bostick #devon bostick x reader #greg heffley #diary of a wimpy kid imagines #rodrick heffley fluff #rodrick fanfic #rodrick heffley fanfic #rodrick heffley imagine #turvi writes

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darsynia · 1 year

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Hand(s) Off | Ch1: Agony

(Steve Rogers/f!Reader sex pollen-esque multichapter)

STORY MASTERLIST | STEVE MASTERLIST | NEXT

Summary: Bucky Barnes is the most important person in your life. When he confesses to you that he lives at the Avengers tower, and the 'Steve' you've been hearing about for months is actually Steve Rogers, you think that nothing can top that revelation-- and then you find yourself trapped in Captain America's bedroom getting a second-hand dose of NYC's favorite new aphrodisiac, Mistress.

Length | Warnings: 3,271 | None this chapter; story will contain explicit sex descriptions and situations, MINORS DNI

Note: I want to make clear that I'm treating the issues of consent with sensitivity. This is not even a dubious consent story in my eyes; the choices these characters make are kind, as clear-eyed as possible under the circumstances, and respectful-- in fact, that's what causes problems for Steve and Dee in the long run. I do want to be clear though: there will be sexual stuff in this story. I'm not teasing you. It won't be clinical or tortured :)

Fill: Adoptable 'Pheremones' from @allcapsbingo

Tags (please request!): @starryeyes2000 @munstysmind @ronearoundblindly @chickensarentcheap @themaradaniels @tiny-anne @deepbatched @nekoannie-chan

Excerpt:

“You grew up with Captain America?” you ask, impressed. Bucky Barnes can really keep a secret.

“Not at all. I grew up with Steve. Skinny, brave Steve. Never backed down from a fight, and now he doesn’t have to. C’mon,” he says, nodding toward the Avengers tower that’s visible in the distance.

There’s something in the back of your mind that’s important, something-- “Oh my God, Bucky!” you gasp, almost stumbling in your shock. “I dragged you to that trivia night, and you did so badly on the Avengers questions! You let me answer the all Captain America ones myself! I totally went on and on about how wonderful and handsome Steve Rogers is. I talked about his ass-- and he’s your best friend?”

“You squeak any higher you’re going to start catching the attention of every purse dog in the city,” Bucky teases gruffly. You shoot a look over, noticing that he’s trying not to grin.

“You jerk!” you say, nudging his right arm with your left elbow. “Were you feeling me out?”

Bucky starts cough-laughing. “You’re going to have to define that one for me.”

Chapter One: Agony

He’s falling and you can’t do anything about it.

Bucky’s shirt catches on a stub of a branch on the way down. You, the child whose balloon he was retrieving, and the kid’s mother all rush over when he lands in a heap.

“Oh my god, are you--” the mom starts to say.

“Here you go, kid. Hold tight, I’m not going after it again,” Bucky interrupts, hauling himself to his feet.

“Wow! That looks like it didn’t hurt at all!” the kid says.

“It hurts. Everything hurts. I’m just trying to impress her.” He nods in your direction.

Even though it makes you crack up (because he’s absolutely not), this seems to do the trick. The mom takes a minute to tie a more secure knot in the balloon string before smiling nervously at the two of you and leading her son away.

“I’m sorry,” you wince, taking a picture of the hand-sized rip at Bucky’s armpit that reveals the metal of his arm underneath. You’ve never seen the whole thing, but you’ve felt the arm through his sleeve a couple of times.

“Why are you sorry? You told me not to do it.”

“I’m sorry to have been right?”

“Yeah, okay,” he says grimly, scowling at the phone you handed him and reaching around to feel the edges of the tear. “It shows the join, doesn’t it?”

You’ve been trying not to look, because, yeah, it does. The skin edging the metal graft looks burned and painful, definitely not appropriate for your museum plans. Bucky takes in your uncomfortable nod and his jaw clenches.

“We don’t have to go,” you offer.

“We’re going. I just have to…” He trails off, twisting the shirt around to get a better look. The two of you had decided to take the long way through the park. There’s about an hour before the interactive exhibit opens, but it’s the last day. He wouldn’t even tell you how he got the tickets.

“Okay, what if we swing by a corner store so I can grab a sewing kit--”

Bucky interrupts in a firm voice. “No need to waste the money. I’ll head back home to change; we can get a taxi from there. It’s a bit of a walk.” He shrugs the shirt back into position and starts back the way you’d come.

You have to jog to catch up. “That works.” There are a million things you want to say, but it’s Bucky who speaks first, after fifteen minutes of silence. The two of you reach a crosswalk, and he stops you with his left arm, which in your opinion is a choice.

“Spit it out.”

“You were keeping things separate. You shouldn’t change your mind unless you want to,” you say quietly. He’d said he wanted to keep this friendship to himself for a while, with no connection to the past, and no expectation for the future. You’d found that unexpectedly refreshing at the time, and you still do.

“I’ve been thinking about that,” Bucky says. “It’s time. I probably would have sat on it for another month anyway.”

It’s been a six month journey from friendly to friends to close friends for the two of you, and it’s only been two months since he’d opened up about his agonizing past. You don’t know everything yet, and that’s okay. You might never know. As long as Bucky knows he can trust you, that’s what matters.

The light changes, and he guides you across, his body language more relaxed now. Still, you want to make things as easy for him as possible.

“I can wait in the lobby--”

“Shit. That won’t help,” Bucky says, coming to a complete stop in the middle of the sidewalk. “Did you ever look me up?”

“No! You asked me not to.”

He looks at you like you’re some sort of rare creature for a minute, and a slow, appreciative smile grows on his face. You get it-- when he’d told you his actual birthdate, that he’d gone missing in the 40’s, you’d been tempted. But… when someone with a medically engineered metal arm asks you not to poke around in his past, you don’t. Not if you care about him.

“There was a good reason for that, I’m assuming?”

Bucky’s chuckle is deep and amused. “Yeah. I ah, live with the Avengers. Steve’s last name is Rogers. Steve Rogers.”

You’ve heard all about his best friend Steve, enough to feel affection for the man without ever having met him-- but this is not what you were expecting. At all.

“You grew up with Captain America?” you ask, impressed. Bucky Barnes can really keep a secret.

“You squeak any higher you’re going to start catching the attention of every purse dog in the city,” Bucky teases gruffly. You shoot a look over, noticing that he’s trying not to grin.

“You jerk!” you say, nudging his right arm with your left elbow. “Were you feeling me out?”

Bucky starts cough-laughing. “You’re going to have to define that one for me.”

“--stop by, that’s all I ask. Redwing would love it,” Sam grins as he opens the door to Tony’s lab.

“I’ll try, but did you have to say it like that?” Steve groans before heading into Dr. Banner’s workspace right next door. A new street drug named Mistress has been causing concern, and with SHIELD still in transition, the government has called on the scientific wing of the Avengers to help figure out how to combat the substance.

Mistress is an aphrodisiac, a potent one. Banner’s preliminary tests show that it’s likely not of Earth origin, which has slowed down their testing considerably due to safety concerns. That’s where Steve comes in; Bruce thinks his fast metabolism could be the key to figuring the stuff out without putting too many others at risk. That and his lack of a romantic partner.

Apparently the drug enhances a person’s desire to have sex to a strong need, strong enough that there’s no data on what happens if they don’t. The stuff reportedly burns through people, causing dangerous fevers that have officials fearful that someone’s going to get dosed and killed, not to mention the consent issues.

“Hey, Steve,” Banner says. “I don’t know if you’ve met Doctor Lyonne?”

“I haven’t. First or last name?” Steve asks the attractive female doctor.

“Oh, nice one. ‘Lyonne’ is my married name, though. Sorry to possibly disappoint,” she says easily.

Banner smiles at Steve’s wave-off gesture and says, “I’ll leave you two experts to the interpersonal stuff.” He ignores them in favor of a large glass jar with a bunch of warning labels stuck to it. The liquid inside is clear, and all signs point to it being the drug in question. “All right,” Bruce finally says, stepping away and scratching out about four things on his clipboard. “The plan is to expose you in measured doses and observe the results. It’s pretty volatile-- works if ingested, soaks into the skin, and we think it’s capable of being aerosolized under certain conditions. Drinking it will be the most controlled method, so Dr. Lyonne is setting up dosing cups for me. She’s got a class to teach in about forty minutes, so--”

“That’s his delicate way of saying I’ll be out of your hair and unable to observe anything you’ll be going through over the course of the tests,” Lyonne interrupts.

The door that joins the two labs swings open before Steve can respond, and Tony leans his head in. He’s wearing one of his Iron Man suits. “Before you ramp up Icy Hot here, can I show you my new toy?”

“This is a segue to a sex toy joke, Steve. Retreat, retreat!” Sam calls out from behind Tony.

“I’m wounded!” Tony says, muttering, “I can’t believe I didn’t think of that first.” He walks in and grins, holding up his left arm. “Check it out. Nav is still a little spotty, but--”

Steve watches as a shape lifts up from Tony’s bicep area on the suit, similar to Redwing but oval and smaller.

“Tony, I’d be happy to look at it pretty much any other time, but--”

“You have the whole rest of the day blocked out, Bruce, just give me this!”

The friendship between Stark and Banner always makes Steve nervous. They are the closest aligned in terms of work ethic and smarts, but farthest apart in temperament-- and that’s before the Hulk is brought into play. Steve inches closer to the large glass jug of Mistress as Tony gesticulates wildly, sending the drone careening around the room.

It starts beeping.

“Shit!” Tony shouts. “Uh… apparently something I did set the self-destruct?”

“Why does your drone have a self destruct, Tony?”

Bruce sounds incredulous and angry, and Steve doesn’t have his shield. As though Tony had set up the whole situation for maximum drama, the thing is headed straight for the jug. Steve lunges to protect it as Bruce maneuvers himself to take the explosion for the team. Someone screams for JARVIS to lock down the building.

Steve lifts the drug container high, meaning to leap out of the way with it, but there’s nowhere to go. The drone’s explosive impact brings forth the Hulk-- which sends Steve and the jug flying backwards into the lab equipment.

Things turn a bit surreal when you enter the tower. Bucky takes you to a secret side entrance (to avoid the press, he says) but when he gets into the elevator, he seems confused when he can’t talk to it. You’re just about to make a Star Trek joke when he explains there’s usually an artificial intelligence that runs the building, but it’s not responding.

You’re used to pretty much anything apartment-related being out of order, so you’re not fazed. Once inside his apartment, you point out that there’s a sticky note on the opposite side of the door, and Bucky grabs it, his brows furrowing as he reads.

“Shit,” he grins, holding up the note. “Stay here? You’re not authorized for this area.”

“Better hurry!” The tickets for the exhibit are for 1:30, and it’s already 12:50. With a nod, he jogs back into the hallway toward the elevator, and just like that you’re alone in Bucky’s apartment.

It is immediately apparent that he doesn’t live here alone. Underneath a coat rack with multiple jackets is a shoe tray with at least five pairs of shoes in two different sizes. The living room is cozy and lived-in; you see the familiar sight of a bottle of Bucky’s favorite beer sitting on an end-table-- right beside a coaster.

You’re about to reach for it when an alarm sounds, accompanied by an urgent voice.

=Tier One protection activated. Retreat to an interior room and wait for further instructions. Attention: Tier One protection activated. Retreat to an interior room and wait for further instructions.=

You freeze in fear for a few seconds, but when the instruction repeats a few seconds later, you hear a grinding noise in the wall. It’s frightening enough that you dart into the hallway and inside the first open door. The reason for the sound becomes terrifyingly clear a few seconds later as a metal panel encased in the doorframe slides down, too quickly for you to slip out underneath it.

The room turns pitch black in the space between one frightened breath and the next.

After taking a minute to listen for danger, you make your way by feel to the far wall, looking for the light switch. On the way, you trip over something that turns out to be a pair of men’s slippers. You’re glad to let your eyes adjust to the light as you put them back, but when you straighten up, you immediately feel like you’re trespassing somewhere you do not belong.

The room is neat as hell, the kind of tidiness that must come from enjoying a clean space rather than a sense of obligation. However, you soon reassess: this is lived in, less frighteningly neat than well-designed. Everything has its place. It’s different from the easy chaos that Bucky has shown on the few times he’s slept over after movie marathons, so you’re pretty sure this isn’t his room. That, and the white cat plushie you gave him that he swears lives on his dresser? Isn’t there.

Instead, the tray with grooming materials in front of a small mirror are the only objects on the dresser top. There’s a low bookshelf next to an easy chair whose footrest has a worn-in divot. The nightstand is equally neat and functional, with a slightly askew sketchbook hinting that the room’s occupant is an artist.

Unfortunately, these observations are making you more nervous, not less. An intrusive thought that the alarm could be about a fire and there’s literally no way out sends you into a frenzy of banging on the inexorable metal slab.

“Hello?? HELLO!? Please let me out, please, please let me out!” you scream, slamming your fists against the damned barrier until your hands hurt. You’re crying and frantic and yelling, and suddenly there’s someone else on the other side of the door also yelling, and in the next few minutes everything happens at once.

You can’t see anything through your tears and fear; all you know is the feel and sound of strong hands and a soothing voice that isn’t Bucky but it should be. That thought sends you into more frightened tears, because he’ll be worried, he’ll be upset, and it might send him into a spiral like the one from a few months ago when he finally explained about his past.

Then, awfully, the grinding sound is back and the warm hands are gone.

You hear several shouted, imperative commands before the man falls silent. He’d set you down in a huddle on the bed wrapped in a blanket, and you kind of… drift back into awareness surrounded by the strong scent of coconut, with a not-unpleasant buzz of awareness deep in your gut.

You pull the blanket closer before you recognize it. You’d been working on it during the first few movie nights you and Bucky had shared, and he’d bought it as a gift for his best friend. That’s what brings you fully back to yourself: you’d handmade the thing that’s warming you up. You’ll be able to tell Bucky that. It’ll help, when the time comes.

Taking in a long, deep breath, you look around, expecting, since you’re no longer alone, to see anything but a metal panel completely covering the door. You’re wrong. There’s damage to the frame, as though someone had pried the previous slab out of the way-- but there’s once again a solid-looking metal barrier between you and freedom.

“Are you okay?” It’s Captain Am-- Rogers. Steve. Bucky’s Steve.

The unreality of your situation is fully hitting you now.

“That’s what you’re going with? Not ‘who are you?’ or ‘funny story about the door…’”

Rogers says, “I did. You were too upset to answer.” He’s tense, clearly uncomfortable, and his clothes are soaked. You wonder if that’s the source of the strange fruity smell.

“Dee. I’m Dee.” It’s short for Chickadee, your stage-name-turned-favorite-nickname. You think you see recognition in his eyes. “Bucky needed to change his shirt. I didn’t mean-- you have to believe me, I never would have come in here, but he said he would just be a minute, and then a voice told me to hide and…” You’re babbling, but you feel like you’re out of your mind. Of all the people in the world, you’d probably pick Captain America as the one person you’d want to know that you’re eating your vegetables and being polite to your elders, that you wouldn’t invade someone’s private space. “Did something happen to the building?” you ask in a small voice.

“No, this--” Rogers winces. “Bucky asked for extra security or he wouldn’t move in. To slow him down.”

“The Soldier,” you whisper, closing your eyes tightly.

He makes a noise of understanding, then a louder, angry sound. “Everything has gone the exact worst-- I’m sorry,” he grits out. “I’m sorry.”

The depth to his voice prompts a heated curl of attraction that warms you from the inside out. It’s unexpected and strange, given the fear and confusion that’s ruled your reactions in the past minutes.

“I think I should be asking if you are okay.”

Rogers is looking at the floor now, his hands fisted in his pockets. “I was exposed to a… chemical. Tried to do everything right: activated security protocols, set the apartment Dark so I didn’t say or do anything I’d regret before the brain fog set in.”

“What happens when the brain fog sets in?” you whisper, sensing that the answer is what has this man’s body stiff as a board, in contrast with his broken and worried tone.

“How close are you with Buck?” Rogers lifts his head and the intensity in his eyes shoots you with an arrow of concern.

You lift your chin. “Truthfully? I consider him my best friend, why?”

“There’s nothing… more?”

There have been times, multiple times, when you’ve thought about it. But Bucky Barnes is a multifaceted man, and you don’t want to sully his progress towards becoming whole again by making things complicated.

“No,” you say, feeling heat in your chest from the look of understanding in his eyes. Your pause was unintentionally illustrative. “Why?”

“It’s important that I be honest with you: the building is on lockdown, its governing AI is too busy monitoring the Hulk to get us out of this room, and the chemical I was exposed to is Mistress.” He sounds like a soldier reciting battle parameters.

The name sounds familiar, but you can’t place it. Suddenly, you feel too vulnerable on the bed, his bed, so you slide over to the edge in preparation for getting up. The action bares your legs to mid-thigh, and Rogers immediately turns his back on you and hits the wall with the flat of his hand.

That’s when you remember where you’d heard that name. Mistress. The aphrodisiac is the reason many women have flocked to your cousin’s restaurant to hang out, instead of at bars. Many establishments are offering complimentary test kits so their customers can ensure there’s no residue in their food and drinks. It’s become fashionable to carry around your own cups, just in case. Some bars are actually trying to skip requiring women to pay a cover charge, desperate to return to the status quo. Drinks containing coconut aren’t even served anymore, thanks to the scent association.

“Shit, I’m sorry!” you blurt out, rushing over to the easy chair and covering yourself with the blanket. Jesus, the whole room reeks of coconut. He’s practically steeped in the stuff. “What can I do?”

Steve Rogers’ voice is husky, but pained. “Don’t let today be your first impression of me.”

Next chapter...

#allcapsbingo2023 #steve rogers smut #steve rogers x you #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #captain america x reader #captain america smut #captain america x f!reader #steve rogers x f!reader #captain america x you #marvel fanfiction #marvel smut #mcu smut #mcu fanfiction #sex pollen #humor #romance

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alreadyjackbestfriend · 1 year

Text

unfair

synopsis: It's not your fault that your boyfriend's best friend fell in love with you.

GENRE: angst

A/N: this will have part two, andddd I have another love triangle idea with jack and urban, let me know if you are interested in that concept.

also, I accidentally wrote 700 more words than originally intended, hope you enjoy!

You were petrified, you really didn't know what to say, or what to do.

“y/n, I’m so sorry, you don't really have to tell me anything. Jack is my best friend and I wouldn't do anything to break up the two of you and ruin his happiness. It's just... I've been hiding this feeling for months and even though it sounds a bit silly, you're the person I was least afraid to tell, because I felt like you were the one who could best understand me and not judge me or take it the wrong way.” Urban said almost in one breath.

His blue eyes didn't meet yours, his long hair fell in his face, trying to hide his embarrassment. Your boyfriend's best friend had just confessed that he was in love with you.

"Urban, don't worry, I don't judge you or take it badly, you even flatter me" you said trying to lighten his mood, and you got a small laugh from him, "no one can control who they fall in love with, but we both know that nothing will happen between us... I... well, I love jack a lot" you said, choosing your words carefully, Urban looked so vulnerable in front of you that you were afraid to say what he already knew: you were lost and madly in love with Jack, but you weren't going to put it that way, “so, what shall we do?”

Urban looked at you surprised, looking back at you for the first time, "you don't have to do anything"

"but I want to help. I want to help you, make things easier… and prevent you from suffering”

"I think that's kind of impossible, y/n" he replied, laughing humorlessly. and you made a grimace of discomfort at the thought of someone suffering because of you, not knowing what to answer.

"but yes, you can help me. I think... we should keep some distance"

"Okay," you said, swallowing hard. This would also be difficult for you, you loved urban very much, just not as he expected. Also, you shared space 24/7 so the task would be twice as difficult.

"and no word of this to jack, please" he added, his expression pleading.

"It's going to be hard to hide if we keep our distance" you warned him.

"I just... I'll try to keep myself busy so it doesn't show."

"Okay..." you said, "can I... can I give you one last hug before we go our separate ways?" You said half jokingly, half seriously. he smiled at you tenderly, nodding and opening his arms. you shortened the distance that separated you and surrounded him with your arms.

All this conversation was happening in the middle of the night, a few steps from the tour bus. Jack wasn't around, probably worrying about some technical stuff about his gigs, since he liked to be involved in all aspects of the tour, and Urban had asked you to join him for a smoke, but he never lit the blunt, he just started talking as if he needed to vomit the words that came out of his mouth, since his big secret was making him feel sick.

Therefore, you didn’t notice that Jack had been watching you from afar for a while. He hadn't wanted to interrupt you, because he had noticed the expression of pity on your face and how Urban only looked down. There weren't the usual laughs between you two, even away from you, Jack could feel the strange atmosphere that surrounded you both.

And even if he didn't want it, when the hug began to last longer than he considered appropriate, he felt his stomach tighten into a knot. He didn't want to distrust you, you weren't really doing anything wrong, but the act still left a bad taste in his mouth. When he saw you separate from the embrace, and you started to walk towards the bus, he quickly walked in, trying not to let you know that he had seen much of the interaction.

Without realizing it, the next few days Jack acted more distant towards you, and seemed to always have something on his mind. You tried to ask him a few times, but he always denied it. He seemed to be living inside his head, with no intention of wanting to get out. He stayed out of almost all social interactions, watching from the outside, especially you and Urban. The estrangement between you two did not go unnoticed by him.

One day you couldn't take it anymore and you faced him, you needed to know why he was acting so strange and distant.

"Why don't you and Urban talk anymore?" was the first thing he responded when you decided to face him.

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"oh, so you don't deny it"

"Jack, what the fuck. Urban is your best friend, not mine...we've never been very close anyway."

"You're lying to me, and you know it."

"What are you insinuating?"

"I really don't know, y/n" he sighed, "I'd love it if you could tell me." you were silent for a few seconds. You wished you could be honest with Jack, fix this awkward situation you both had inadvertently created, but you had promised Urban not to tell him anything.

"So, you're not going to tell me," Jack talked again, and you looked down, "great." he added, getting up from the couch in the hotel room and walking to the door.

"Jack!" you said, standing up too. your eyes filling with tears without being able to avoid it, the anguish in your chest becoming unbearable.

"What, y/n? Just be honest, please."

"I promise you it's nothing. You're making a mess for nothing"

"If you don't want to give me an answer, then Urban will" was the last thing he said, before leaving the room.

***

You didn't know what to do, so you just waited, even though time didn't seem to advance. You tried to distract yourself on your phone, reading, or watching TV, but nothing helped, you could only think about what could be happening with Jack and Urban, but you didn't dare going out.

Jack came back an hour later, there was a tiredness on his face that you couldn't read, it didn't look like the normal tiredness he was always a victim of, but more like an emotional exhaustion.

You looked at him with expectant eyes, full of fear of what he might say. He didn't say anything for a few seconds.

"So, he's in love with you" he said with an expression you couldn't read either, which was killing you.

"umm, yeah..."

"and he asked you not to tell me anything" he added, and you just nodded, "and you did, you were true to your word"

"please jack, you're killing me. i need to know what you think"

"Honestly, I don't know, y/n, I never expected to be in this situation, but... Urban is going to take a break from touring, he decided it himself, but to be honest I think it's the best thing for me too. I know it's not his fault, but I'm angry, I think because he didn’t have the courage to tell me the truth in all these months” he went silent for a couple of seconds, “and also he never had the intention of doing it!” he said a little louder, trying to get his frustration out, “he asked you not to tell me anything for fuck’s sake”

you agreed, for a few seconds no one said anything but the uncertainty was too strong.

"and what about me?" he looked at you.

"what about you?" he asked you, like he was really confused.

"Are you mad at me too? Do you want me to go away?" you asked with a lump in your throat, a lump that deepened with each second of silence.

"I…I don't know…this is so weird, I have all these mixed feelings and I don't know what to do with them"

"It's not my fault, jack" you gasped, two silent tears escaping down your cheeks.

"I know"

"So? Why don't you tell me it's not my fault and you don't want me to go?" you said hurt.

"I don't know y/n, put yourself in my position a bit. My best friend is in love with my girlfriend, he confesses it to her and asks her not to tell me anything, I see them giving each other a very long hug, as if they were both full of feelings for each other..."

"wait, what?"

"yes, I saw you that night"

"It’s not what you are thinking, we weren't doing anything wrong”

"I know, but you kept the secret, y/n, you preferred to be loyal to him over me"

"he’s my friend" you said weakly, as weak as your justification.

"and i'm your fucking boyfriend!" Jack raised his voice, making you jump, "I'm sorry" he said a few seconds later, "I'm very confused, this has never happened to me with urban before, first of all... because he's never been in love, you're the first in his life, y/n" he looked at you with sad eyes, "and I don't know if I can live with that"

"jack, please, please don't break up with me. none of the three of us are to blame, we can get over it" you said desperate.

"You've been the only girl to ever unfreeze the heart of a man I've known almost all my life, y/n, how do I know his feelings for you won't come back as soon as he sees you again?"

"this is so damn unfair, jack" You said angrily, "I never meant for this to happen. I've never behaved inappropriately with him, I've never flirted with him, I've always had eyes only for you, my heart has always been with you, and you're going to leave me for something in which I am not to blame?”

“I’m not leaving you”

“but you’re thinking about it!”

“y/n, please, let's just let things cool down for a few weeks, take some distance and then talk with a cool head. I just... feel a lot of negative things right now."

"okay, let's let things cool down" you replied sarcastically, "although I don't know if things will go back to the way they were after that" were your last words before taking your phone and leaving the room.

taglist:

@hoodharlow

@awhore4moree

@jackmans-poison

#jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fic #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x y/n #jack harlow x you #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow imagines #jack harlow one shot #jack harlow angst

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goodneighborxfallout · 1 year

Note

[Trigger Warning-Suicide] How would romanced male companions react to walking into A female Sole about to kill themselves?

Trigger warning!! Read at your own discretion. If you are thinking about committing suicide, please talk to someone you trust, call the suicide hotline of your country and/or go visit your doctor or a psychologist. If you want to talk to me about it, you are always welcome to send me a message.

Fact about suicide: Most people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just don't know how else to make it stop. Talk to someone, there are people who can help!

A/N: I don't think all characters would go for a careful approach (like Gage), so I wrote them the way I think they'd react, even if that might be the exact opposite of what a suicidal person needs at the moment. Please, keep in mind that this is fictional: even if I made the companions successful in talking down Sole, I myself don't know how best to approach someone who is suicidal so some/most/all of their reactions may not be effective or appropriate. Also, I am under no illusion that talking someone down from suicide is this easy or that it will always have the desired outcome, but again this is fictional.

Danse

Pre-BB: His soldier instincts will kick in. All he sees is someone about to die. His brain doesn’t yet recognize that you’re doing it to yourself, so he will forcefully stop you in order to save you, only fully realizing what’s going on once he sees your distraught face. He’ll look at you in shock, unable to get any words out. Then he’ll just move in closer and hug you tightly, letting you cry in his arms. He’ll bring you over to Cade whether you want to or not and stay with you the entire time, holding your hand.

Post BB: Panics. He will desperately try to talk you down from what you’re doing but he won’t approach you, scared that he’ll push you over the edge by doing so. He’ll cry and beg you not to do it, telling you that he needs you and suddenly an overwhelming feeling of guilt overcomes him. You’ve been piecing him together all this time while you yourself were struggling…

Deacon

Freezes. It takes him a few moments to just simply say your name, grabbing your attention.

“Sole, what are you doing?”

His heart is beating loudly in his chest, he’s terrified to say anything because he has no idea what might push you over the edge.

“I can’t do it anymore, Deacon,” you cry and it breaks his heart.

How had he never noticed that you were struggling? How was he so oblivious? With everything you’ve been through, it was to be expected, and yet… it had never once crossed his mind.

And now he’s panicking. “Look, I know I’m not the most sensitive guy, I-I’m not the right person to talk to about feelings and all that, but I’m here for you. You can talk to me, please talk to me…”

You hesitate for a few seconds, but you nod and break down in his arms. Deacon will try his hardest to comfort you during the next hours until you’ve fallen asleep, upon which he will immediately run to Carrington begging for help.

Gage

Gage will be scared, but he’s so used to hiding it behind anger and annoyance that he can’t help but do the same even during a sensitive situation like this.

“You better not go through with that,” he says almost threateningly. “You wanna commit suicide? You can still do that tomorrow, next week, or literally any other time! But if you do it now, you’ll never be able to see or talk to me again and you owe me an explanation if you’re gonna pull this shit on me!”

Miraculously, his speech guilts you enough to make you stop - which isn’t something he’s particularly proud of or anything, but hey at least it worked. He instantly has his arms around you and won’t let you out of his sight for days while simultaneously arranging for the gang leader of your choice to temporarily take over as Overboss so he can take you back to the Commonwealth and get you some help.

Hancock

Hancock has seen some stuff in Goodneighbor. It's a rough life and you aren't the first one to try and end things. That also means he’s seen multiple attempts by others to talk these people down, some of which failed. He isn’t going to take that chance with you.

He has his arms around you before you even knew he was there and he holds you tightly against him so you’re unable to do anything anymore.

“What do you think you’re doing?” he growls in your ear. He doesn't mean to sound angry, but much like Gage he was scared and too used to masking his fear. However, he instantly calms down once he hears you whimper and break down.

You cry apologies against his shoulder which he quickly hushes. “It’s okay, we’ll get you whatever help you need. Just don’t do this to me, sweetheart.”

MacCready

“Woah, hey! What the hell are you doing?!”

Mac grabs your arm in anger, spinning you around to him. That’s when he sees your tear-stained face. You start crying harder upon seeing his anger and literally break down. However, Mac quickly catches you and pulls you against him in shock.

“It’s okay,” he says, his anger already long gone. “It’s okay, just talk to me please. What happened?”

Mac will be worried sick about you and ask around everywhere for help. It doesn’t matter if he has to walk all the way to the Mojave with you, he will get you whatever help you need.

Nick

Nick feels instantly guilty when he stumbles upon you about to commit suicide. He’s always acknowledged your pain, but he also always kept the conversations about it short. He hid his own pain by focusing on helping others, and he now realizes he pushed you to do the same, even though you were really the one who needed help.

He says your name quietly, grabbing your attention. “Is there anything I can do to make things better for you?”

You can't answer that, because if you knew of a way to make things better, you wouldn’t be in this position right now. But the fact that he asks, that someone cares causes you to break down and you are unable to execute your plan at the moment. Nick takes this as his chance to take you in his arms. “Let’s go see doctor Sun.”

Preston

“Sole? What are you doing?”

Preston will be in tears just seeing what you are about to do. He’s told you about his own suicidal thoughts before, so why had you not trusted him enough to do the same? He has your back, do you not know that?

Seeing how badly he is hurting, you can’t go through with it at that moment, so instead you run to him and hide in his arms, crying. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t understand… Why? Why did you never tell me?”

X6-88

Another companion who will forcefully stop you. X6 doesn’t think he’s the right person for you to talk to about what you are going through, so he takes you back to the Institute without a word and drags you over to doctor Volkert.

You might think he’s mad at you, but in reality, he’s experiencing ‘panic’ for the first time in his life and it almost causes him to stop functioning altogether.

#fallout 4 #fallout reactions #fallout 4 companion react #fallout 4 reactions #fo4 reactions #fo4 companions react #fo4 companions #fo4 #danse #deacon #porter gage #gage #hancock #maccready #nick valentine #nick #preston garvey #preston #x6 88

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chosovixen · 2 years

Photo

𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 | (𝚋𝚒𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚐𝚛𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚡 𝚏𝚎𝚖!𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛)

𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 | 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐝𝐦𝐢𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮’𝐯𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐬; 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐟𝐚𝐬𝐭, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐡 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐥𝐥

𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬 | 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 (𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐝𝐧𝐢, 𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐥 𝐟!𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐞𝐱, 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐬𝐦𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐟𝐟!!)

𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚍𝚋𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚋𝚕𝚘𝚐𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚊𝚙𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚌𝚒𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚍!!

“No way!” Billy yelled from across the kitchen. You had just told him you’d never been in a relationship long enough to ‘get any action.’ “You’ve never fucked anyone??” he furthered.

“Well, don’t say it like that.” you hushed, trying to make the conversation somewhat appropriate. You don’t even know how the conversation came about, but now you were in a rabbit hole of answering his questions.

“So you’re telling me you’re a virgin?” he asked, now leaning over the counter, waiting for your response. He was close, way too close. You could feel the blood in your body heat up.

Billy was your best friend, one of your close friends, and you told him almost everything, but this was too much. Yes, he’d overshare a bit for your liking, but he was sweet and heartfelt when you guys weren’t talking about the women he had slept with.

You didn’t want to respond to his invasive questions, but you couldn’t stop your mouth in time. “No. Not in that way,” you answered; your vision shifted to the ground. Only a small ‘oh’ was audible from Billy, and you sat silently for a minute.

That minute felt like an eternity. You both keep looking around and avoiding each other's gaze, trying to figure out what to say next. “So.” Billy started, “You’ve touched yourself?” he asked, not once looking up at you.

“Billy, no, let's not go there. Please.” you retaliated.

“What, I’m just asking!” he exclaimed, raising his hands in protest. You were now looking at each other and trying your best not to laugh.

“Yes, I’ve touched myself; you happy?” you reveled.

“What were you thinking about when you were doing it?” you knew you shouldn’t have answered, but again your mouth was faster than your brain.

“You-” you accidentally admitted.

Your eyes were wide, anticipating Billy didn’t hear you. You shifted in your seat, pretending to think of an answer to his question, but you’d already been caught, and faking could only get you so far.

“Me!?” he asked, genuinely curious and intrigued about your response.

“I-” you began now, standing up from your seat and retreating towards your bedroom, hoping you could make it there in time to lock the door, not having to deal with this fiasco you created. Billy was quick, and you expected it. He has you pinned against the bedroom door, inches away from your face. Feeling his hot breath against your face made you want to go feral.

“Come on, tell me,” he whispered huskily against your ear. All you could do was just look up at him and let out a small sigh.

“Want me to make your fantasy come true?” he proposed, a smirk growing as he watched you squirm underneath him.

“We can’t.” you managed to utter. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you hadn’t thought about this exact moment, but you knew him and his type.

You didn’t want to be used and then forgotten like all the other women he’s been with. He meant a lot to you, and you didn’t want to lose him.

“Oh, but we can; all you have to do is just say the words princess.” you could feel the heat rush to your core and just a simple pet name.

“I don’t think we should; what if it ruins our friendship?” you genuinely didn’t want to ruin your friendship; honestly, Billy was a significant person in your life and the greatest friend you could ask for. On the other hand, you had been thinking about him more romantically but never acted upon it because you wanted to keep what you had going.

“The only thing I want to ruin is you right now,” he confessed, pulling you from your train of thought.

The sudden knowledge that had been given to you only made the feeling in your core grow. You didn’t respond; instead, you gave him a small smile and a flash of your doe eyes. Billy groaned, now pressing you harder against the door; you could feel his bugle in his pants grow, but you chose to ignore it for now.

“Come on, tell me you want me. I’ll be so good to you, baby.” he knew which buttons to push and when he wanted to, he pushed them hard. Now grinding his aching bulge on you, you had no choice but to focus on it.

“Last chance, baby, I’ll make it worth your while, I promise.” he almost sounded needy; he was panting and rubbing himself against you like a bitch in heat. Of course, you didn’t mind, but you’ve never seen this side of Billy; he was always stern and upfront when talking to any woman, but he was whimpering above you, trying to get some friction going.

“Billy,” you whined, earning a loan groan from Billy. “I-i want you so bad right now.”

One thing led to another, and you were now on your bed, looking up at Billy, aggressively taking off his clothes, only leaving his boxers on. You were so captivated by his physique you didn’t even realize that he was undressing you until you felt the cold air hit your thighs.

He was just about you slip your panties off when you managed to grab his arm and ask, “are you sure we should be doing this?” he crawled above you, planting a kiss on your forehead and responding, “only if you want to.” you wanted to object and maybe talk about exactly what you two would be after this, but the way your pussy was clenching around nothing but the sheer fact that he was so close to you threw that idea out the window.

“I want you, I need you, Billy.” you didn’t need to tell him twice.

Billy placed kisses down your body, and when he reached your pussy, he looked up at you with those pretty eyes giving you a wink and then proceeding to slip your panties down. He stared in awe at how wet and sticky your pussy was with arousal.

“Don’t just look; it’s making me feel awkward.” you tried to move, but he kept you in place and continued to stare.

“It’s just so pretty,” he began, “all this for me?” he finished now, directing his gaze towards you, waiting for an answer. You let out a small yes, almost like a squeak but just loud enough for him to hear. Billy climbed back on top of you, leaned down, and whispered in your ear.

“Do you want me to eat your pussy first, or fuck you?” just the tone in his voice while asking such a question made you clench so hard around nothing and whine. “That’s not an answer, baby. I need you to speak.”

You told him precisely what you wanted. “Eat it, please. Make a mess of my pussy Billy.”

With no time to waste, Billy quickly dropped to his knees and placed his head between your legs. He kissed the little patch of hair you had nicely trimmed above your pussy before kissing your clit, earning a small moan from you. Then, taking that as a sign to continue, he flattened his tongue and licked from the hole to your clit, sucking on it. He repeated this a few times just so you were comfortable with the feeling.

“Oh, fuck” you hissed; you’ve never felt this type of pleasure before, and you didn’t want it to stop.

You’d cum on Billys' face for the third time, and there was no sign of him stopping, so you had to push him off, thinking he’d get the hint. You whined at the loss of stimulation, but your whole body was shaking, and you couldn’t even think straight. Finally, Billy noticed you trying to calm yourself. He gently grabbed your face and passionately kissed you, not breaking it until you both needed some air; you melted into the kiss and already felt yourself calming down.

“Was it too much?” a look of concern spread across his face; you quickly nodded and told him he didn’t need to worry. “We don’t have to continue if it’s too much.” he tried to reason, but you wanted this, and you wanted him.

“I’m fine, really. So can you please fuck me now?” Billy felt his cock twitch at how blunt you were being, and he liked that you were this way with him.

Never in your wildest dreams did you think you’d be fucking one of your closest friends, but here you are, legs spread wide, as eyes were feeling heavy at just the thought of taking him. Billy managed to pull out a condom from his jean pocket, but you stopped him, telling him it was okay; he didn't need it.

“Fuck baby, you don’t know how sexy you sound right now,” he responded, and you just chuckled, making him go red. He brushed the tip up and down your pussy mixing his precum with your juices to get some form of lubricant. You bit your lip, suppressing a moan without even realizing it. “Don’t do that. I wanna hear that pretty voice, okay?” you nodded, and Billy began to push the tip of his cock inside you, that alone was stretching you, and it felt much better than your fingers.

He pulled out of you and then put just the tip back in again; you sighed in frustration. You were about to tell him to stop teasing when he pushed his whole length inside you. It felt so big, and it made you feel so full that you couldn’t stop yourself from moaning and whining.

“F-fuck Billy, your cock feels so fucking good.” tiny drops of tears trickled down your cheeks not because it hurt, but because it felt so good, you couldn’t imagine yourself with another.

“Your pussy is so tight, I’m already about to cum, oh fuck.” he moaned into your ear.

“Please, Billy, please fuck me.” you cried out. He obeyed and began rocking his hips into you. Reaching down to rub your clit Billy moaned at such a sight.

“You look so fucking pretty right now, you know that right?” you couldn’t even think with the way his cock was sliding against your walls and filling you up. “I’m gonna fuck this pretty little pussy and make it mine, yeah?” now, his pace was getting a little faster and more rough.

“Yes, please make me yours Billy.” you cried out, arms reaching out, bringing his face close to yours and awarding him and sloppy kiss. “Oh fuck yes, right there, right there.” you yelled out

“you gonna cum, baby?” you could only furiously nod, he sped up a bit more until you reached your climax.

“Ah-” he was hitting the spot so perfectly you couldn’t form sentences anymore, just sounds.

“Cum for me, baby, cum on my cock.” You came undone with a few more deep, long thrusts all over his cock. He fucked you through your high and was ready to bust himself at any moment.

“Fuck I'm about cum.” he grunted; you felt him pulling out, and with quickness, you wrapped your legs around him, keeping him in place. Billy jerked his head up at you in confusion while trying to get his cock out before he came in your pussy.

“What are you doing? I'm about to cum?” he chuckled while still trying to break free.

“I want you to cum inside me, deep inside me.” you pulled him close and whispered the last part into his ear huskily before he came undone himself. With loans groans and sloppy thrust Billy finished inside of you. He carefully laid himself on top of you, trying to calm himself from his mind-blowing orgasm. You two stayed there for a while until you could catch your breaths.

“This isn’t going to ruin our friendship,” Billy stated.

“Huh?” you questioned, unsure of where that statement came from.

“You worried it would ruin our friendship, but it won’t. I want to be more than friends with you if that’s okay.” the shock on your face would catch anyone's attention; you’ve never really pegged Billy as the type to jump into a relationship, but for some reason, you could feel that he meant what he was saying.

“I’d like that.” You flashed him a toothy grin, making him to do the same.

You don’t exactly know how this relationship will play out, but one thing for sure is that you're willing to try.

#billy stranger things #stranger things #billy hargove x reader #billy hargrove #dacre montgomery #smut #stranger things smut #billy hargove smut

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possessionisamyth · 5 months

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Thought of Sherry and made myself sad because she was 10 (retconned from being 12) during the whole Raccoon City incident and didn't have her pseudo parents (Claire and Leon) for a week before she's being shifted into Simmons' hands.

I was thinking of what kind of lie and the strings of control Simmons would have to cast in order to make Sherry trust him. I can believe she was tutored the year the incident took place partially because they wanted to check her danger levels as a bioweapon and partially because she was a traumatized child so her mental state would need to be balanced before being thrown back into school. The best place for her would be private school the whole time. There's a level of control money brings, and Simmons would be able to pay off or make disappear anyone who might see something strange about her. He'd funnel her to private doctors and nurses for all her appointments where she might be out of school for a week here and there, but her absence and lack of work wouldn't be punished either because, again, money talks.

I can think of her as suspicious and untrustworthy of Simmons at the beginning because Leon promised to protect her, and she's hearing nothing from him. I'd think Simmons would extend an olive branch to keep that control and lie appropriately. If he says Leon abandoned her, it would incite rebellion, and he needed Sherry to trust him. He'd probably tell her Leon was paying for everything with his job so she could live a normal life. Her acceptance of this would come in tiny waves. She did hear other student's parents talk about how expensive tuition and supplies and uniforms are. She is getting the nicest toys whether they're limited edition or sold out before they appear in her room all wrapped up with a bow. She can decorate her room however she wants and anything she needs is provided quickly.

She can't see Simmons weaving the web where sometimes her gifts would read "From: Leon". It's not his handwriting, but Sherry wouldn't know. She doesn't get that an extended school vacation after breaking an arm which healed in a week instead of 6-8 weeks was a means of keeping up the air of normalcy to her peers. She's told over and over Leon's working hard to make sure she has the best of everything, and does she really want to stop him? Does she know what'll happen if she does? Suddenly it's like she's with her parents again. That if she makes too much of a fuss she'll cause problems for them. She'll cause problems for Leon. So she oh so gradually stops asking where he is and what he's doing and when she can see him. Besides, the excuses for why she can't know that information were getting old and tired anyway. "He just left the country", or "He's getting special training," or "He's moving again". It was like they weren't even trying to not lie to her.

Until Claire comes to visit. What better way for Simmons to cement the trust he needs then to let Sherry see the other important person in her life as much as she can? Which does work. When Claire visits on her school breaks and holidays, the lies do feel a lot more like the truth. Sherry doesn't expect Claire and Leon to be attached at the hip, but if Claire can visit while being busy with college, maybe Leon was as busy as Simmons said. It helps that Claire admits she also struggles getting in contact with Leon. So maybe Leon was almost always out of the country and getting training and working all hours since everything Sherry needed was so expensive. Maybe he was working so hard to make sure Sherry had the best life she could. Maybe she should stop trying to see deception that wasn't there and work hard herself to make sure Leon's efforts went to something good. So she stops asking for Leon except maybe around the milestone events like the 13th birthday and 16th birthday and 18th birthday, and highschool graduation, and college graduation, and by then? By then, all the little red flags of Simmons control hadn't registered until RE6 where the mask comes off.

She sees Leon for the first time in 15 years, and it's him telling her everything was a lie. Simmons was a traitor and never had her best interest in mind. Never had their best interest in mind, and too many things are happening for her to process the information. She just has to swallow it all.

What's worse is she probably would try her best not to beat herself up about it, but I don't know how well she'd succeed. The looping mantra of knowing at 10 years old she was right about the lies and fell for them anyway. Having the hindsight of an adult to notice every single time Simmons nudged her life this way or that way to make sure she did everything he wanted. Questioning how many of her decisions were her wanting to be better than her parents, to make Leon's effort worth it, to be as well-adjusted as she could be around Claire, how much was actually her and how much was Simmons' manipulation? How much of her choices and personhood were hers and not a result of what Simmons wanted her to be? Fingers crossed she took a long vacation after RE6, and a longer vacation to really comb through that contract Simmons definitely gave her for her current career.

#resident evil #sherry birkin #derek simmons #claire redfield #leon kennedy #re headcanons #re analysis #gets both tags because im trying to fill in gaps #anyways wheres my claire and leon get sherry fic where all 3 discover sherrys healing abilities and they panic together #sonic voice: Im waiiiiitiiiiiing

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kindoffruity · 1 year

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Smitten: Chapter 3 - Neteyam’s POV

Mild Warning: Non cannon compliant.

Smitten - Chapter 3: Adore - Neteyam’s POV

Etera landed in the middle of the small crowd forming on the reef, Neteyam assumed they were about to send out a search party for them. He almost wishes they did, it was always awkward coming back to them like this.

Neteyam could feel Ronal’s glare as she snatched Aonung from his hands, he instinctively looked down, not wanting to meet her eyes because he knew what was coming next, “What is this! Why do you look like this? Was this you, demon?” Ronal shouted at him, Neteyam felt anxious.

“No ma’am..” He responded, keeping polite despite the inner part of him that just wanted to tell her that he wasn’t a demon and perhaps she should reconsider her position if she couldn’t at least be kind.

But instead, Aonung spoke up for him, “Neteyam saved me, please do not disrespect him. I am fine, I would have been dead by now had he not shown up. He deserves respect for that.” Aonung corrected, leaving Ronal stunned.

If they had been alone, Neteyam probably would have gripped him by his bruised face and planted a large kiss on his lips. Aonung had defended him? Neteyam tried not to blush just thinking about how much he adored how unfiltered and unnerved Aonung could be.

Neteyam wished he could have been like that.

“What happened?” Jake spoke to Neteyam, inspecting his back and arms as he did. “The altercation earlier.. I followed those boys from the Ta’unui clan, they mentioned they would get their brothers and teach Aonung a lesson for embarrassing them. I tried to go back to warn Aonung but I couldn’t find him. So I got on Etera to search.” Neteyam realized every mistake he made as he explained the story.

Neteyam tried to keep good posture when he spoke to his father, shoulders and head held high to give his father respect. He couldn’t even look at Aonung.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone before you left? You could have been hurt. I’d expect this recklessness from Lo’ak but not you.”

Each word felt like it was being stabbed into Neteyam’s brain, he should have told someone. He should have been smarter. Why didn’t he think rationally or logically in the moment?

“I am sorry sir, it won't happen again.”

Neteyam felt sour speaking these words, it wasn’t fair, he had done a good thing. Aonung was here and safe! Aonung usually spoke his mind. Aonung was so proud of him, he even defended him! Neteyam could say something too, Aonung gave him that strength.

“But I do not regret it.” Neteyam looked up from the sand his eyes had been locked on, his hands were shaking inside but he made sure his voice was smooth and confident even. “I reacted completely appropriately for the situation, had I taken any longer or detoured myself, who knows what could have happened.” Neteyam’s words grew more confident as they left his mouth.

It didn’t ease the shaking feeling rushing throughout him, fortunately Tonowari chimed in thanking him. Neteyam could feel his shoulders sink a bit, they had been trying to stay confident and firm.

“Yes, thank you, Neteyam,”

Aonung looked up at him and Neteyam bit his lip, their eyes doing all the talking.

Neteyam returned the thanks, he silently thanked him for giving the strength to stand up for himself, he probably wouldn’t have done it otherwise.

Neteyam bowed his head towards the parents before dismissing himself, he needed a moment to recollect himself. The mixture of emotions needed to be organized, he was frustrated but happy, anxious but relieved at the same time.

- - - -

His parents didn’t say much about the topic of Aonung the next few days, Neteyam was sure they were just trying to process their oldest speaking out of line. It wasn’t like him at all, but it was time for him to start being his own person.

The days were extremely long and even quiet, Neteyam hadn’t realized how much he had filled in his time with Aonung in one way or another, it was like his sun was gone. Neteyam almost wandered aimlessly, he would get to work bright and early, without Aonung there he would breeze by and be done well before anyone else.

Neteyam tried to fill his time by exploring the small island he had found Aonung on, it was peaceful there. It strangely reminded him of home, it wasn’t as large or wondrous but he could allow himself to climb to the top of the highest tree and stand there just admiring the view, it was almost surreal.

Neteyam always made sure he was on time for dinner, it was the only time he had been able to see Aonung. Their communal dinner sat them at opposite ends, it was nice because sometimes Neteyam imagined they were the only ones here.

This day was particularly hard, despite their usual longing glances, Neteyam could hear Tonowari, “You will be Olo’eyktan one day, you must get serious about your Iknimaya to become an adult within the clan. You need to search for a strong mate who will continue our way of life.”

Neteyam’s ears flattened, Aonung was speaking but he could not process any of his words, because Tonowari was right. Aonung would be Olo’eyktan one day, unlike him. He no longer had that luxury since he left him. Neteyam could not ruin this for Aonung, it would be selfish of him to claim Aonung as his own.

Neteyam hung his head low as he ate, his braids thankfully hiding his face, he could feel Aonung’s eyes on his. Neteyam wasn’t even hungry anymore, he discreetly excused himself feigning nausea and immediately left.

He rushed towards the end of the beach, finding comfort in this specific spot, where their relationship started would be where he ended it. Despite how much it hurt, he knew better than to think this foolish love story would progress further. He had demon blood, there was no way they could be together.

“I knew you’d be here,”

Neteyam felt the other's tail wrap around him as if to draw him closer, their hands touched and Neteyam struggled to speak, sitting in silence waiting for Aonung to fill it.

“I have missed you,” Aonung started to speak and Neteyam missed all the other words, Aonung had missed him- Neteyam had missed him too but he knew better. Neteyam felt a kiss being pressed to his hand, as much as it warmed his heart. His mind told him to pull away and so he did, slowly withdrawing his hand he could see the confusion on his boyfriend’s face.

Neteyam gulped, the words felt heavy, his chest tight.

“You will be Olo’eyktan one day,” A long pause as Neteyam struggled to find the right words, “This.. This cannot happen.”

“I do not understand you.. Do you not wish to be with me? Did I do something wrong?” Aonung turned to face him, grabbing his hands and practically forcing Neteyam to have to look at him. Neteyam knew he would not be able to end this if he looked at him, his heart would give him away.

“You have done nothing wrong. I think it will be best for us to end this now.” Neteyam tried to convince himself of his words as he spoke, this was better for them. They were not even of the same type.

“You must be with someone of your kind, a strong Metkayina, someone who understands the way of water.” Neteyam was practically pleading at this point, despite this the thought of Aonung with anyone other than himself sickened him. But if it would make Aonung happy, he would be there.

“I want you,” Aonung’s voice was confident, as he always was, the words would have made Neteyam melt if he hadn’t been so caught up in his overthinking.

“You must be with your own kind- they will never accept me.. Aonung, you will be a great leader one day. You mustn’t waste your time with someone like me,” Neteyam tried to insist, but his eyes looked sad as the thought hit him. Aonung being a great leader, who could not be with him.

“You are a strong Metkayina, you are one of us.” Aonung kept his tone easy, Neteyam reacted to that well, but he could tell Aonung was forcing himself to be calm for his sake. Neteyam needed to counter this.

“Aonung.. I am Omatikaya, when the war is over I will return home.” Neteyam didn’t believe that this dreaded war would never be over, if it hadn’t been over in 15 years, there was no hope for them to go home.

“I do not wish for anyone else but you, I will become an Ole’eyktan worthy of you,” Aonung’s words were confident, Neteyam never once thought when they arrived here two years ago that they would ever be having this conversation, but he knew Aonung meant it.

“Please..” Neteyam felt like he was begging at this point, “You have made me happier than I have been in a long time, but your parents-” Neteyam did not know why he couldn’t be selfish and accept Aonung as his own. Perhaps, he wanted to save Aonung the disappointment.

“Then look me in the eyes and tell me you do not wish to be with me, I will not accept this otherwise,” Aonung switched from a gentle tone to a more firm one, Neteyam could see the frustration on his face, their eyes locked. Neteyam could hardly speak.

“I do not wish..” Neteyam trailed off getting lost in those light blue eyes that seemed to draw him in, every time. He couldn’t lie to him.

Aonung was his safe space.

“I want to be with you, but you should be-”

Aonung practically growled in frustration with Neteyam for being this insecure in their relationship. “I do not want anyone other than you, I have every intention to court you.” Aonung cupped his face and forced Neteyam to look at him.

Neteyam needed this. He needed to hear that Aonung wanted him. Aonung was going to court him. This was real, not some fling.

“I adore you.”

Aonung didn’t say he loved him, but this was so much better. Neteyam couldn’t argue anymore, Aonung was not going to give him up. Neteyam couldn’t help but nod and give Aonung a small smile as he accepted his fate. Aonung was going to be a strong leader one day, a leader who would keep him by his side.

An Ole’eyktan worthy of his love.

Neteyam felt like they were in their own world, sitting in a comfortable silence before footsteps had been approaching and Neteyam flushed a bit, pulling away.

“Let’s go, it is time for bed! Mother says it’ll be a long day tomorrow, you two should really get a room.” Lo’ak huffed shaking his head and Neteyam glared at him.

“We are going! Now leave.” Neteyam practically hissed out to dismiss his brother but he was sweet to Tsireya, he really wished the best for because Lo’ak was difficult.

Just as Neteyam was ready to walk back, Aonung grabbed him from behind and pulled him against him. For once, Neteyam felt small as his body was pressed against the larger frame. “Nete.. Don’t ever think of ending this.. You are mine now and forever, I will give you everything.” Aonung whispered in his ear, planting a kiss to his head. Neteyam felt weak in the knees for a moment, there was a weird sense of pride brewing in his chest.

He was Aonung’s.

“Watch it fishboy, remember who saved who. If anything, you are mine.” Neteyam looked up at him, his head resting back on his shoulder. Aonung couldn’t hold back a loud chuckle, attracting the attention of the couple ahead of them.

Neteyam didn’t care, he leaned up, standing on the tip of his feet, his hand sliding up to pull Aonung down by his head for a short kiss on the lips.

“Gross.. Neteyam.. I would prefer Rotxo over this.. You chose my mortal enemy- I thought we were family!” Lo’ak called out, a bit dramatic. Lo’ak was going to keep going and Tsireya grabbed his face and pulled him for a chaste kiss to shut him up.

It worked, Lo’ak visibly buffered as Tsireya just kept walking flustered but confidently nonetheless.

#neteyam x aonung #aonunete #avatar #aonung x neteyam #avatar the way of water #aonung #neteyam #neteyam is baby #next chapter is going to be LONGGGG

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 18 days

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Thing I predicted when I became an autism therapist who is also autistic, and it's gone pretty much as I expected:

Part of my job is getting autistic children off their preferred topics. There are some places that teach autistic kids that they should never talk about their obsessive interests, and that is horrible, and I'm pleased that I've never been asked to do that. The place where I work does what I think is a pretty ethical thing - lets them talk about their interests a lot of the time, but also has a program for slowly getting them used to the fact that you can't talk about those things all the time, because, you know, you can't. You have to be able to get them off preferred topics long enough to teach them to read and write and count, and if they're at that level, it'll help them make friends if you can teach them that sometimes you have to ask other people about more than one subject before you can go back to talking about your favourite thing.

This has been fine for me until I started working with a client who's obsessed with Pokemon, a game I've been playing since 1999. That has almost gone the way you'd expect it to go every time I've worked with him. Every time, there's been something like, I'm in the process of saying "Okay I need you to write some letters before we can go back to talking about Pokemon" - and then he mentions a thing about Pokemon on which I have an opinion, and I almost tell him my opinion and then get drawn into the conversation and he doesn't learn to write because I want to talk about Pokemon. That has almost happened every time I've worked with him. It's actually happened about five times. Which is exactly the sort of thing I guessed might happen when I started the job.

Thing I did not predict when I first became an autism therapist who is also autistic, an unexpected result of that phenomenon:

Quite a few of our clients have programs teaching them to tolerate losing without freaking out, because autistic people tend to not react well if things don't go our way, and being unable to react well to that can lead to a kid who can't make friends because they keep throwing rocks as a response to losing board games. Because of this, some of them have programs where we play board games with them, and sometimes we let them win and then we show grace in defeat to demonstrate the appropriate behaviour, and other times we beat them to let them practice said appropriate behaviour.

Normally, when he wins, it's because I decided he's going to win this game, so I held back a bit, because he's eight years old so I get to decide who wins the skill-based game. But today we played a game that's got enough of a luck element so I can't fully control who wins it, and even though we were playing a game where I knew he should win this one according to the program chart, he started beating me before I'd started consciously letting him, and I started feeling that thing that I feel when I'm doing badly at something - that thing that I'm trying to teach him to suppress, where I desperately want to throw rocks because I can't control a game - and without consciously deciding to, I started playing harder so I could pull ahead and win because no one beats me in a game unless I allow it.

...I did realize what I was doing after several minutes of this and consciously forced myself to stop. He won the game and I said "Good game, good job winning, see, this is what you're supposed to say when you lose." Which obviously all adults can do with no difficulty at all, I'm not suppressing any rock throwing instincts right now, it's fine.

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yooniesim · 5 months

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tw: death mention, cancer mention, oversharing, long-winded self-reflection, far too many paragraphs

The strides I have made with my temper in the past year... real talk... I'm proud. It's been hard to manage myself and keep from popping off but I've been making a lot of progress removing myself from situations that get me heated, irl or online, and I'm happy about that. It doesn't remove my feelings or the damage I've caused with my anger in the past but I feel like I'm making real progress. Even though my depression and overall mental health varies, I feel like temper wise I'm in a lot better place than I was a year ago. I've been staying away from people irl that fed into my anger by being neglectful or abusive to me, and tried my best to work on my own actions at the same time.

I'm also proud of where I'm at with my blog comparatively. I've been working hard to focus on the good things and what makes me and others happy, rather than falling into a pit of negativity. I feel like I can still express myself from time to time, while also being better able to know what is appropriate to say and when. Idk if this is just especially ND of me but I feel as if I had the belief that as long as I felt whatever I was saying was the truth, it was appropriate, and that the negativity wouldn't get to me if I stayed by that metric always. But that isn't always the case, and i'm getting better at evaluating that. At realizing that, even with good intentions, getting wrapped up in all the issues of the world and all the negative discussions can be almost a form of self-harm.

Not many people know about this, but the trauma i experienced during the pandemic really affected me and changed me a lot. If you're a long time follower comparing how I was pre-2020 and after, it probably feels like I changed completely as a person, because I did. I don't speak about it a lot, especially now that it feels like the entire world has... moved on, but. Being a healthcare worker then felt like seeing your own slice of hell. Seeing that much death firsthand and being so afraid every single day, being confronted with your own mortality and that of your loved ones, it's extremely difficult. Especially since I lost a very close relative to a drawn out battle with cancer, who I was a caregiver to, as well. Between that and finally being medicated for the first time in my life, i became numb, and at the same time, I became angry. Angry at every little injustice that crossed my path. I wanted to fix something, anything- even in a silly little community for a silly little sims game. I thought, maybe, shining a light on things I saw that were wrong- scamming, doxxing, bigotry- might help. I broke myself apart trying to do that. And... for what, really? I accomplished nothing. And to this day still deal with people that boil me down to just... a hater, I guess. Too annoying for their personal tastes. As if that alone justifies some of the truly vile things that have been said and done to me, publicly and privately. That continue over a year after the fact. Even now it's difficult to think about sometimes.

I've made many mistakes here. Being an inexperienced and flat out incompetent server owner, to start. But with that, too, I've made progress. I'm so grateful for the mod team I have in Sutopia now. For the loving community that's risen from the ashes of what was once an overly negative space. For me getting a handle on my own love of petty gossip, a fatal flaw. For me learning how to ban instigating and toxic parties instead of naively giving them the benefit of the doubt. I still struggle- because as much as people might think I'm harsh, seeing as I try to put up that front as much as possible, I'm actually far too forgiving to the point of stupidity at times. I've been paralyzed by indecision in the past, not wanting to hurt anyone by mistake with the wrong call, and wound up hurting everyone involved with my inaction instead. But I know now that I have a more experienced team beside me that helps so much with these decisions and ensuring a safe place for everyone. And that's taken a weight off of me for sure.

Occasionally, still, the anger gets to me. I see someone that I know for a fact has scammed someone, or hurt someone, or flat out lied, or harassed me in anons or said something racist about me in private that they have no idea I know about- and they're just continuing on, getting love and adoration over their sims or cc or something, and it gets to me. I want to post, I want to blast everything on here and say, look! They're not what you think! Look what they did! Look who they really are! But then I breathe, and I think. Would it really help? Would it really do anything? Would I be opening myself up to be attacked and hurt for nothing? And I come to the humbling conclusion that it's not worth it. Not worth it for them to come back in a month with a new name and all their friends welcome them back like nothing happened and so simblr continues on as it always has. And I'm just a "hater" that's probably jealous of how many friends they have or how much money they make whatever other egotistical explanation they'd spout after everyone inevitably forgot what really happened. Occasionally, it makes me feel a little sick.

But, I breathe through it. I'm getting better at that. Sometimes I write something long out in the drafts- like I'm doing now- and delete it right away instead of posting it. It helps. Even though sometimes I feel guilty. I think about the anons I used to get, the people saying they were too scared to call out certain creators for certain actions because of how big they were and how much hate their followers would send, I think about the asks I still have in my inbox of screenshots and proof. About how sometimes people would thank me for saying things they couldn't bring themselves to. That I was the only person doing it. The only person who wasn't afraid. Even though I was only "unafraid" because I could barely feel anything at the time. And I don't even have that "advantage" anymore. But it weighs on me thinking that I should be trying to help them still. But how can I help anybody? I'm biased, too. I make mistakes. I've made so many mistakes. What gives me the right to say anything? Being put on that pedestal and having that responsibility on my shoulders- stupid as it was from the bigger perspective of life- hurt me, too. Because no one has the right takes every time, and having the wrong one on occasion doesn't automatically make you a terrible person. But it's extremely difficult for people on the internet to understand that. Sometimes I feel used when I remember those times. Chewed up and spat out, once the flavor wore off. And violated, not by the anons or anyone that disliked me, but by people I thought were friends. That's always the worst part to think about.

.....Until I decide it's time to leave, anyway. Then you're all going down.

It's better not to expose myself, or others, to that again. Is that growth? I don't know. I still struggle with so many emotions. The anger, and the guilt. Regret and sadness. But then, I've also felt so much joy from here, too. When I talk to people in the server, when I help people here with their cc projects/requests, when I read people's stories, when I talk to nice anons. I still love talking to anons so much, and want to have in-depth, rambling discussions with them again! I love to laugh with my mutuals and share our silly little sims together. And, god, sometimes I feel relief. Like, there's nothing for me to prove, no one for me to impress. I can do whatever I want and not worry, because well- so what if I get blocked? Or talked about? Like what else is new lol. I don't need to focus on the community. I just need to focus on me, my posts, my mutuals I already know are kind people. It's a freeing feeling. And it makes continuing to express myself here worth it. I want to concentrate on that. The positivity, the love. The creativity. The people here that warm my heart with their kindness. So I think, as we continue into December and into the New Year, and every year I'm here beyond that, that's what I'll do. Continue to grow, and share the love.

#ceci speaks #nonsims #text #negative #kinda?#ceci speaks a lot more #rambling at night bc depression #kinda positive at the same time tho!#simblr's boogeyman has a heart #yoonie steals christmas #gif warning #get ur screenshot tools out folks its that time again #📸#ceci needs to go back to therapy #yeah yeah im workin on it

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system-of-a-feather · 2 months

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Hiya! Umm... I saw your long AAPI/cultural appropriation essay, and you seem to know what you're talking about. Way more than I do.

I'm in a tricky spot and I don't know what to do about it. (I know you may not be the right person but I don't know who else to ask)

So. I'm a traumagenic system. I was lonely, and anime was there for me. I have introjects, sure. But we're polyfrag and it's fuzzy, and for the whole system it feels more than just a source media thing.

We grew up DREAMING about Japan. We studied japanese and tried to sing the original lyrics of songs and search up their meanings as a kid. I'd sometimes try to make english versions of them. Not to hide the original, but because my family couldn't understand the beauty I saw. And I felt such a connection to it...

Now I'm rambling... 😅

I've always wanted to teach Japanese, to use Japanese every day in my life. When I wrote stories I would go search through all the Japanese to english dictionaries and search for the perfect name with the perfect meaning. I thought all the names were gorgeous and appreciated how special they were.

I try and bring Japanese culture into my life every day, even. I listen to Japanese idol groups and pop. I'm still trying to learn japanese, and further more I want to teach it to my community, to create a place where we can come together and learn this language together, as a small country community. To learn and embrace some of their cultures and try new things along the way.

I know that I am not Japanese. I don't want to appropriate them. But I find them so... or not them. But the language and culture and almost everything I find out has me entranced and wanting to learn more. It almost feels like my purpose, or a huge part of my life. My goal. My mission.

I live on the disability pension. I will probably never see Japan in person, and I've heard disability is frowned upon there anyway, to some degree. I don't know if I could even live there, especially if my workability was low. I'm not so young anymore. Even then there are stories of all the people who aim for their dreams and don't make it there. So I dropped it from my cards. I decided if I couldn't do it there... maybe I could do it where I am.

If I'm culturally appropriating Japan and it's cultures I'm happy to give them all the credit. I'm proud of where I found what I have. I adore it and would lift it up any day. But I also adore what I'm doing, what I'm bringing to life. I'm making some Japanese-Aussie vibe culture hybrid or something. I don't know!

But I wouldn't give it up for anyone. If a Japanese person asked me too... I'd prefer to start life over in Japan with no money or resources to my name. I'd probably prefer to live their homeless. I couldn't organise it myself. But I'd take a harsher punishment rather than let it go. I'd prefer to embrace it entirely than ever give it up.

But people online keep saying that nobody should use the names, the language, the cultures... I don't know what to do. I... don't have an answer.

I don't want to be for something so harmful. But I've posted about how names are beyond something that could be taken away. I've disagreed with people of colour about Japanese examples. I've never met a truly Japanese people, beyond watching lessons and shows and blogs and cultural breakdowns. I don't know what they'd say. I've heard that Japanese people praise other cultures for trying to learn their language, from articles online detailing what foreigners should expect. But I know Japan is big on honour culture, so they might just think it and not say their true thoughts to be polite.

Idk what to do!! I want to uplift everyone around me. To build villages for people who I come in contact with. To create openness and to be respectful and create fond memories. I don't want to go down as someone oppressive. But I want to go down as me.

I have no Japanese heritage, no japanese blood or family. I have no rights except for years with nothing else.

I know the answer some people would give is to embrace my own culture. But well... Aussie culture is sort of memes and culture-mix-soup. Beyond white man capitalism and conquering and the white people bible. Aussie culture is "it's hot here and we're like smart, funky, weird sounding bogans". I sort of want more than that.

I want to preserve their (Japans) culture how I found it, if I can. If I accidentally tamper with it, I want to say that, to let it be known. But I like how it is too mostly.

There are some negatives to it too, I know. Like, LGBT rights in Japan, the mental illness stuff, and more. But I'm not willing to leave because of those bad things.

Sometimes moving forward means taking aspects of different places and furthering them together to make something new. Is that cultural appropriation? Will I get in trouble for doing that? And how can I progress it/myself, how can I aspire and dream of a better world if all the jigzaw blocks are forced down to the table and unmovable. What do I do?

I don't understand it. And I don't know what to do about it.

Help.

(sorry it is so long. Sorry 😅😥)

Reading this back, I feel like the indignant child. "I don't want the other one, I want that one." Is that bad? Idk.

I'll just leave this here. What is your take? What do you& think?

Yeah thats a complex situation that I don't really have any kneejerk direct opinions on it towards. I might actually leave this in my drafts for a bit to think about it some cause theres a multi-dimensional aspect to it and a lot to consider that even I don't think I'm entirely all that knowledgable to comment on

(Especially regarding Japanese culture as I am Not Japanese and while there are similar dynamics in how western / white perspectives influence it, the dynamics are different and the histories are different; additionally, of a lot of the 'main big' Asian groups, Japanese is honestly the one I've had some of the least engagement with as the places I've lived have been heavily Vietnamese, Thai, Chinese, and Korean; we have a couple Japanese marketplaces near but beyond community, I don't have too much personal insight into the intricracies of Japanese culture and their opinions on these matters, so do understand ANYTHING from this post is coming from a Indo-Chinese perspective and anything I say on this topic, is to be taken second / less than any Japanese person that might want to key in on it as well)

I do have to say - from what I can tell from this ask alone (which is not necessarily a best sample, a lot of judgement of respect is best seen in Action and not words which asks are limited to) - I do have to say I really think you have a good intent and a better understanding / concern to the complexities of things than a lot of people I've seen who "really like Japan and Japanese culture" so in my more optimistic, generally wanting-to-give-best-faith and progressive culture-sharing perspective, I would like to encourage the dream and intent cause I think the vision is really great and amazing honestly.

The issue I have is that the practical application is pragmatically difficult and a bit uneasy because, as much as I think you have a lot of good intent and probably more than the average person, you aren't the first nor last white person who found themselves enamored and emotionally bonded with an Eastern Culture and with a full heart and chest wanted to help preserve and care for the culture. I don't say it in a means to be accusatory or aggressive, but more so a thing to be cautious if you want to try both holding your dreams and joys in the most respectful manner - but the rhetoric does sound a bit white savior / white knight adjacent. That is just to say that it's important to remember that, in the end of the day, Japanese people don't need you (a white person) to advocate for them or to save them and the culture doesn't need you to spread or preserve it for them.

I don't like to say it because I think with a lot of caution, respect, and passion, people who really love something can do a lot of good in the world; but (and I don't know if this is the case or just my past experience with white people who want to help Eastern cultures making be a bit cautious) inherently if there is any part of you that feels as though you will be a hero or leader in any way or form towards the Japanese / Japanese culture, I think one of the first things you'd need to make sure you do is to toss that dream of heroics out and take a massively more "follower" and "aid" mindset out.

In the end of the day, if you want to help any eastern culture be preserved and what not, its important that you - someone who has never been raised or lived the life - are never the end point of people reaching to it; the best place your role would and should be is a means of connection and resource provision, because in the end of the day, you are going to always be a student compared to those that have lived their life in the environment

With that in mind, I am a person who really likes the idea of healthy and productive sharing of cultures and respectful interactions between them and I also know that in some places - which I assume Australia might be as well - there is not as an abundant AAPI populace and probably not much of a pre-existing environment / people to engage with so the complexities of "leave it to the people of the culture" is not entirely practical.

So with all that in mind, first thing I'd say is - as I said above - listen to Japanese voices over mine. I'm speaking largely from theoretics on what I've seen in trends in other eastern cultures and my own experiences as well as being a relatively more idealistic and open perspective.

Second thing, I would see if there is any pre-existing niches where there might be at least an AAPI center around where you live - see if there are any events or classes or something that you may realistically be able to get involved in. If there aren't any of those, consider seeing if there are any direct cultural derivatives from that to participate (as in arts, crafts, hobbies, etc) - cause in my experience, stuff like martial arts are open things to engage in and they can help you connect with people more familiar and more engaged with the genuine culture.

The main reason I say this is because - other than the risk of falling into the white savior complex - one of the largest obstacles to doing this respectfully and healthily is putting time and effort into getting around how white / western culture has already distorted your understanding of Japanese culture in ways you probably don't know about. (And this isn't only you, cause I also am 100% sure I don't see Japanese culture correctly due to white / western influences; I'm not particularly qualified to talk about it as a result; its a very hard and very long journey for any not-Japanese person to do to get as untainted, genuine, and complete understanding of the culture as possible)

One of the best ways to navigate working on that is to find people and environments that are less-tainted by white / western lenses and influences and to take a more student lens and approach to it; very much a "sit and listen and reflect and do your unpacking homework"

If none of those are available or reasonably possible due to disability and/or financial things, I would strongly recommend reaching out to Japanese communities online (reddit probably has a good community) and getting advice from them as they will have more insight and ideas than I could think up.

I will say, they might be a lot more hesitant and wary than I am, cause again - from what I've seen, I think I'm considered pretty idealistic and a bit of a dreamer when it comes to including non-AAPI people in cultures (some are even uncomfortable with married-in-white people getting involved; my bestie is married to a Chinese person and he's been derogatorily and regularly considered a 'gweilo'; ie derogatory term meaning "Westerner" / "white man" / "ghost man") so you will probably face a lot of people nay-saying it, but I would hope maybe someone shares a little of the optimism / appreciation for the vision that I do, even if it's a minority.

That said, I think if you do want to honestly go forward with this and try to do so with the most respect and healthiest lens, I think it is important that you inevitably face the amount of distrust a lot of AAPI have towards white / western involvement in their culture face on and deeply develop a very complex and nuanced understanding to your place and position in the overall roles, history, and participation in it. Cause if you do want to help and do want to be a part of it, it's important to understand where YOUR culture comes into play with all of this. Cause you aren't Japanese and you will never be Japanese, even if you were an expect PhD holding person living in Japan. Inherently you will always be the white person engaging with Japanese culture, and so its important to remember that with you, you bring your own culture into this and that is something that has to be dissected in relationship to it all.

Third, and (less important but relevant) I do not at all mean this to diss on the culture or anything, but a lot of Eastern cultures have something of bad blood towards Japan and I don't honestly know the details enough nor have the energy to Properly Get Into It in a way that won't be misread without nuance by White Piss on the Poor Tumblr, but if you don't know what or why that bad blood exists, it'd be good to try to read into it and look into non-Japanese AAPI voices about it. This isn't to say that "its a bad culture", but more so that if we are talking about seeing the history as a whole, its important to know the impacts Japan and Japanese cultures have had on related cultures which, unfortunately, Japan has been a large part of. (China, Phillipines, Korea, etc)

Overall, it'd probably be an unpopular opinion among other AAPI, but I like the vision and passion you have for it and while I'm a bit hesitant to give support because I know how many people say similar things then fail to do all the work it takes to Do It Right ((ie, I honestly haven't really seen it ever, that said I haven't put the effort into trying to see it happen ever)), if you are willing to do all the tedious and life long homework of understanding your culture, Japanese culture, the ways your and Japanese culture interact to impact your understanding of BOTH cultures, white / western history, white / western history with AAPI cultures and Japan's culture, Japan's history within overall AAPI history, etc and are willing to do your due diligence to network, get involved, and engage with less white-tainted and warped parts of the culture AND navigate a lot of the inherent (fair, earned and justified) distrust to white / western involvement in culture, then I don't think you might have some merit to the dream.

Like it's going to be a LOT of work, a life long thing of work and admittedly, you will likely never be the expert or the advocate or the person you idealistically dream to be and that sounds negative, but in Buddhist philosophy, you are never meant to actually obtain perfection and its considered near impossible to reach "true enlightenment", but we aim for it anyways because the ideal is 1) worth aiming for and 2) we do it because it is good to try and do it anyways as the ideal is not necessary to enjoy the good that genuine and good work towards the ideal.

I guess the last parting thing I'd put out is that a really helpful concept and lens I'd recommend sitting on and thinking about is one of my favorite Buddhist lines of thoughts from Shunryu Suzuki here as it might be helpful in persisting against a lot of the inherent obstacles you will face should you genuinely intend to do it right, cause you are going to probably inherently - due to being white, western and not around any actual japanese culture - "the bad horse".

In general, I think in the end, one of the things that also would be really helpful is that I mention a lot of being a student to the Japanese culture and whether or not you want to take the writing in the Zen Buddhist idea of Zen behavior or just generally keeping a very respectful and chronic student lens to any really insurmountably large and complex topic that you are inherently disadvantaged in (such as learning and respecting a culture that you have no inherent place in), I recommend giving Shunryu Suzuki's book on "The Beginner's Mind" a read / listen.

Overall, that book has helped me so much in both mental health, goal seeking, system management, and overall my perspective on people and culture beyond a simple "buddhist" lens so I really really strongly recommend it.

#alter: fei #ask #asks #actually aapi #actuallyaapi #complex ask #the beginners mind #beginners mind #feathers once again slides people the beginners mind #I SWEAR #look its mostly Riku brain that screams about that book #and the whole system just clowns on me for it #because I somehow have large passages memorized despite only listening to it once #but that book sits in my head rent free and I think about it and its concepts on a daily #and Chunn and XIV and Ray regularly have to know it to talk about it with me #its a really fucking good book other than just for the buddhist stuff #its just really good at breaking down the complexities of learning and respecting anything and just how important it is to be bad at someth #*something #its one of the best ways of learning that not only is it okay and natural to suck at things #but it is arguably preferable to suck at things and that sucking is not only OK #but literally important to being good at what you do #even at the expense of never being 'good' at what you do #and that in itself is very freeing #ANYWAYS I GOT OUT OF FEI BRAIN AND INTO RIKU BRAIN JUST #CAUSE THE BOOK IS GOOD I SWEAR TO GOD #EVERYONE NEEDS TO READ IT / LISTEN TO IT I SWEAR TO GOD #favorite book i guess #alter: riku #<- i guess

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theamityelf · 5 months

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Ngl, I want to see an interaction between Angie and Junko so badly. (Warning that this post is going to mention cults a lot. Also warning that it's going to be kind of OOC because it's a brainstorm.)

Specifically, imagining if Angie and Junko were both at Hope's Peak at the same time. Angie being almost the only one who knows what Junko's up to.

If we're taking in-game characterization at face value, maybe they're both starting different ideological/spiritual movements at the same time. They cross paths every now and then, and Angie's like, "You won't win, you know~. God has chosen this school to be a place of good, not evil. 😊"

Junko could play coy, but first of all if we're counting the anime as canon it seems like she was pretty much never not being obviously evil, and second of all even if we're not counting the anime as canon I could see her making the calculation that she has nothing to lose engaging with Angie semi-honestly, if they're alone. So maybe she goes, "You think everyone you sway to your side believes in the same idea of good and evil as you? How naive. As long as you teach them not to think for themselves, you're priming them for me. You think you're taking them out of play, but really you're just making them more vulnerable."

Angie giggles. "You're so silly, senpai! Angie never told anyone not to think for themselves." With a joyous but penetrating gaze, she continues, "If your goal is to hate yourself half as much as God loves you, you'll never succeed, you know!"

Junko could go a lot of ways; she could go Sad Mode and say, "I wish I could hate myself. A feeling like that might be kind of exciting." Or she might go Cute Mode and say, "Aww! I've never had an underclassman try to psychoanalyze me before!" Or neither of those. Honestly, I'm writing this post mostly because I'm trying to brainstorm how Junko might react to Angie, on the premise that she doesn't just blow her off as insignificant. Both Junko and Angie are characterized as extremely competent at seeing a person's innermost wants and vulnerabilities. It would be cool to have them see through each other. (Though of course, obligatory "But Angie didn't see through [so-and-so]," and arguably the same for Junko.)

My very first thought was of someone like Mukuro asking Junko, "Is Yonaga creating her own cult a problem for us?"

And Junko sarcastically going, "Oh you're right, how can I possibly sow corruption into an extreme religious movement?"

But it's fully reasonable to say that outside of a killing game Angie just kind of wouldn't start a cult because she wouldn't feel threatened enough to do that. I view Angie as a cult survivor who exhibited cult behaviors in the killing game because she didn't know another way to express her fear without interpreting it as a lack of faith, so a more healing version of her school days would have her unlearning some of the stuff the was raised with (And, if I were keeping with my own personal headcanons, beginning to engage with her own culture outside the paradigm of the cult that appropriated it.) and being able to identify the threat of despair earlier than some because she knows what to look for.

It would still be cool for her and Junko to talk, though.

#danganronpa #angie yonaga #junko enoshima #class 79 au #cult mention

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autumnalwalker · 23 days

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Ashan, I named you Glassheart and now you keep being a mirror for people.

In retrospect I should have seen this coming. It was practically in the title of your first POV chapter even though I meant it as a reference to something else.

Sullivan since the start of the story: “Huh, this Glassheart kid is a pretty strong wizard and has a lot of similar ideals with my friend (Road). I should arrange for the two of them to become friends so Glassheart can replace me one day, because I’m pretty sure my presence is ultimately harmful.”

Road in Chapter 24: “Hey Ashan, I think Sullivan likes you and he almost never likes anyone. You should try talking to him. He’s had something eating at him lately and I think he could really use more than just one friend in his life, especially now that his wife’s gone. I promise he’s not as bad as he tries to make himself seem.”

Road in Chapter 21: “You know, Eris, you kind of remind me of Sullivan.”

Sullivan in Chapter 24: “You know, Ashan, you kind of remind me of my friend (Road).”

Road in Chapter 21: [Calls Eris by a nickname that only three other people use for her and then gets told that name isn't for them to call her.]

Sullivan in Chapter 24: [Starts to call Ashan by the name his parents remember him by and gets interrupted and told that name isn't for him to say.]

Lacuna ever since first meeting Ashan: "Wow, he's so pretty and cool and powerful. Maybe if I were more like him I could actually be useful instead of an ugly, awkward, anxious wreck. Then I actually join everyone else on their cool adventures and help keep Eris safe the same way she makes me feel safe when she's around."

The child in a side story who would grow up to be Sullivan: “This street urchin (who will eventually grow up to be Road) just broke into my room to steal my leftover cake. I’m going to feed them and we’re going to be friends. I’ve never had a friend before.”

Eris and Ashan in Chapter 12: [One of my favorite exchanges in this whole story so far...]

“Hey, maybe don’t eavesdrop on people,” a low voice from behind Ashan says at the same time a heavy hand grips his shoulder.

He looks around to find Eris standing behind him. She gestures back down the garden path with her head and gently but irresistibly pulls him away from Lacuna and Jero.

“I apologize but it was not my intent to intrude on their privacy,” Ashan says once he and Eris are out of earshot. “I was merely waiting for an appropriate break in the conversation so that I would not interrupt.”

Eris rounds on him with a protective fury in her eye and raising her voice as much as she can without drawing attention. “Do you really think I would really believe that half-assed an excuse coming from a…” She trails off, really looking at Ashan’s face for perhaps the first time and then studying him up and down. He can see the gears turn in her head as snippets of information gleaned over the past two days click into place. A hand goes to her head and she begins massaging her temples before continuing more softly, “Oh, God dammit, you’re a frickin’ homeless kid who hasn’t had legit social interaction in years aren’t you?”

“A wizard makes his home wherever he wishes, and solitude is the whetstone of the mind.”

“Yeeeaaah… no. Are you even old enough to drink?”

“By this world’s calendar and the laws of my birthplace, yes.”

“Uh huh… And with inter-world temporal sync factored in?”

“Probably.”

“God dammit. Have you had dinner yet?”

“I do not see what that has to do with -”

“Have you eaten yet today?”

“I was going to after everyone else was seen to.”

“God frickin’ dammit.”

Eris grabs Ashan’s wrist and begins dragging him toward the entrance to Bridgewood Manor. With her other hand she begins typing a message on her phone.

“What ever are you doing?”

“Dealing with the fact that I now have two dumbass friends who don’t know how to feed themselves.”

“I assure you I am perfectly capable of feeding myself.”

“Kid, you have no idea how many times I’ve heard that one.”

Ashan opens his mouth to object once more to such humiliating treatment when one of Eris’s words catches up with him and forces him to reconsider.

Friends.

Ashan Glassheart, you're the only member of the main cast without a pre-existing relationship to the others and now they're all projecting those relationships onto their interactions with you.

I love it when I do this sort of stuff on accident. Makes me feel like I know what I’m doing.

#writeblr #writers on tumblr #my writing #empty names #writing process #character parallels #oc thoughts #ocs

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bmscribbles · 4 months

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If I may, I'd like to start off the New Year by being very honest with you guys

Heads up, this is going to be long. It's not going to start good. I try to keep these things off of this account, but I think I need to say it for a few reasons that I hope makes sense as I go

I'm not around much and keep being slow with a lot of things because I am not doing well. I have not been doing well for quite some time. I frequently shrug off my absences as being busy, but I'm not busy so much as I spend most of my days wrestling with freshly planted and frequently, almost daily unintentionally, reinforced trauma while simultaneously adjusting to this being a part of my life in the first place. It has only been some months since one of the last major sources of these scars had stopped, and it has been an uphill battle against the fear responses I've learned over the past 10 years from multiple traumatic experiences being reinforced in my day to day life

This is why I don't have a regular schedule for things, why I swing between finishing art pieces quickly and taking so long to make progress, and why I suddenly vanish for chunks at a time. I don't beat myself up about these things and I continue to do my best around the issues, to be clear with people about my accessibility, but, as I'm sure you all have seen with reoccurring absences, I don't always win those daily battles

I ended up taking a break from a couple of spaces I'm in to try and really focus on what's going on in my head and what I need to do. My winter was primarily trying to make myself look at things I never wanted to look at again in order to resolve them while also keeping it together the best I could during the bustling holidays. When I came back, when mention of how long I've been gone came up, I got many pats on the head and told that "they know I get busy." People made the excuse for me before I could even try to say the truth, then carried on. It made me realize the depth of the hole I've put myself in, with how good I am at keeping my problems to myself

I don't know if this is appropriate. I don't know if this is the right thing to share in this sort of space, but I feel like I'm at a point where I need to stop pretending and taking advantage of how people make excuses for me if I play the right act just enough to seem like I'm fine, "just busy." It leads to me getting left alone a lot. I get left behind and projected onto about unexpectedly invasive things a lot. I don't think it's that people need to get their shit together, though. I need to figure what to do with myself from here, with the baggage I now have not just being tugged behind me, but nailed to my legs

This isn't meant to be a Woe Is Me post or me looking for attendance to a pity party. I wanna wipe my table clean of everything I've put on it to cover its damages, and I want to start by being transparent, and to better apologize to anyone who might feel dismissed or deemed unimportant by my radio silence with friendships and stop-and-go pace with work

With this transparency though, I'd also like to talk about the good things that have happened and that have realy helped me through these years. There isn't only bad things on the table.

I'm estatic there's folks who like what I do so much that they want to support me in the ways that they do. I don't think I'll ever be able to properly put to words just how much that means to me. I know I've said it before, but not once have I meant it lightly, even if said on a laugh. I'm honored. Seriously.

I've been trying to focus on directly approaching my issues instead of trying to do them on the side of other things happening, putting them first and foremost, and as painful has it's been it HAS been working. For the first time in a very, very long while I have been able to reach out and ask for help with problems that have completely overwhelmed me and reinforced what has happened in those ten years. I've started being able to feel like I can be there for others around me again too, not as a measurement of usefulness, but in recognition that I have the energy to so again. To do something as deeply important to me as to be there for those I care about.

I'm starting to get back to how I naturally make art over what I feel people are more interested in seeing, and I actually look forward to sharing them someday. I have a much better idea of how I'd like to approach my work in the future as my job and have the energy to start seeking out others with experience where I don't for consulting. I have projects planned out that I'm excited to jump on sometime this year, including a full comic and maybe starting to write a book I've been picking at for some years.

I'm working to get back in touch with my family and have been able to be more open with them than I've ever been in my life. I'm working to be my authentic self outside of certain circles and make it more of my everyday life over only in spaces where I only kind of fit in.

The past number of January 1sts have been harrowing as I reflected each time on the years that preceded them, with no actual end to the spiraling cycle in sight, but I find myself eagerly excited about whatever this year may hold. So yeah, I'm roughed up to hell and back and I'm still pretty battered, but there's a future, and despite everything I'm still one of the strongest people I know. I'm exhausted, but I'm getting better. I'll get back on my feet and not hit the floor as hard. One day I won't hit the floor much at all.

I don't plan on making another post like this ever again. I know I'm actively doing it, but it goes against a few principles of mine. It feels inappropriate to share so much in what is technically my professional setting, but I think this is one of the few times where I find an exception for transparency.

I'd like to spend the beginning of this year tending to my wounds so I can start putting all I've learned over the years of doing what I do as a business, as well as entertainment, to really do something spectacular this year. Both to really start getting the ball rolling with what I want to do, but to also give back to everyone that supported me all this time. Not out of obligation, but because that's something I have always wanted to do.

If you've read this far in, thank you. Thank you for your time, your attention, your patience, and understanding. It's been hard as sin and it's going to continue to be such for some time, but it's getting easier. I'm not looking for anyone to swoop in and try to save me. I'll ask for help if I need it. I promise.

I'm excited to get the show on the road, not just with work but with doing better and spending time with folks more, but please bear with me while I still sort these things out back behind the curtains. I'll be around, hit me up if you wanna hang or anything, I'm down to vibe. Hell in all honesty I'd actually love the company, regardless of if the faces are new or old.

I hope everyone's had as good of a start to the year as they could.

#important #about

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claymorexpunisher · 11 months

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Lock & Key (Ch.3/?) (18+ Fic)

Pairing(s): Drew McIntyre/Fem. Reader

Summary: Reader discovers something...interesting about her boyfriend, Drew while using his computer.

DISCLAIMER: This is NSFW. If that's not your thing, keep scrolling. I try to tag my work appropriately, so if you choose to click on my work regardless, use your own discretion. Thank you for the love always and enjoy this cheesy porno! 🥂

Tags: Domme/Sub, 18+, Fem Dom, chastity, orgasm denial... more tags TBD.

Total Word Count: 5,820

About a month had gone by since Drew and I had the discussion that had totally changed our relationship.

Luckily it had changed it for the better.

Right now, we were leaving a joint meet and greet and on our way back home after a long day.

For the past couple of days to about a week, I began to notice a massive change in Drew. A positive change.

When we first spoke of the topic of chastity, he was incredibly nervous about it but he slowly seemed to warm up to at least the idea of researching it further.

But now he just seemed that much more relaxed and in a much, much better mood. Whether that was because he was getting more comfortable by learning more and more about it..or because he was beginning to try the devices on himself, I didn’t know. But regardless, it made me happy to see this change in him.

However, I didn’t know I was going to get the answers to my questions as soon as we got home..

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‘’So..you know we talked about me possibly trying to wear the cock cage on my own- to see how it felt. Right?’’ Drew asked me.

Now, Drew had always been blunt and direct in certain ways. But with this, his bluntness kind of shocked me and I knew my eyes showed it as I turned on my side in our bed to look at him.

‘’Uh huuh..’’ I drawled. My interest was definitely piqued.

‘’Well...I’m wearing one now. I’ve been wearing it off and on for about an hour. For almost two weeks now.’’ He told me, and my brows rose in surprise.

‘’Seriously?!’’ I exclaimed before I could stop myself, to which he gave me a slow but sure nod.

I could feel my heart pounding in my chest at the mere thought of Drew’s locked up cock hiding snugly in his boxers and I had to quickly shake off the filthy thoughts in my head as my mind began to wander.

‘’..I knew you’d get around to wearing it eventually..wait. You wore it while we’ve been out?!’’ I exclaimed again and this time he gave a full belly laugh which he so rarely did. The sound made my heart flutter.

‘’I thought it would be..fun, to wear it while we went out. You can’t really see it too, which is good. But I knew it was there.’’ he shrugged, blushing lightly.

I still didn’t know quite what to say..so I kissed him. I kissed him deeply to show him how proud I was and how much I loved him.

He chuckled against my lips and kissed me back just as deeply, moving closer to me on the bed.

Cuddled up in bed, we sat in silence, just processing things.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wanna jump in headfirst into all of this but, I reminded myself that this wasn’t entirely about me and what I wanted.

So with that in mind, I just settled for asking questions.

‘’Which one are you wearing?’’ I asked him, raking my long nails over his broad and bare chest with a featherlight touch. The goosebumps that never failed to appear on his skin every time I did that made me smirk.

Slowly my hand traveled further down his torso and toward the waistband of his boxers, watching his abdomen contract and then relax as my nails unintentionally tickled his skin.

‘’Um..the- the silicon one?’’ It almost seemed like he was asking me as he lost his train of thought, now fully focusing on the pleasant feeling I was giving him.

I didn’t quite dip my hand into his boxers just yet, just dipped it enough to cause his breathing to escalate a fraction. That was new..

‘’Are you asking or are you telling me, Drew?’’ I chuckled, lightly bringing my hand lower toward the bulge in his boxer shorts, and back up toward his abdomen and further up over his chest.

I let my hand travel over his torso and watched his eyes drooping in pleasure.

‘’Drew?’’ I called out softly to him to snap him out of it when I still didn’t get an answer.

His eyes slowly fluttered back to me and he gulped hard before asking me a question that almost made me swallow my tongue.

‘’Can you..unlock me, please?’’ He almost mumbled, but I heard him loud and clear and my heart pounded even more.

‘’Fuck..’’ I said under my breath, then cleared my throat to gather myself. It felt like things were beginning to pick up speed but, I had to trust that he’d be honest with me in case he wanted to stop or slow things down.

With a nod, I freed him from his boxers, marveling at the way his cock laid hard in the silicone cage and I took it in my hands before spotting a lock at the base of it.

‘’Where’d ya put the key? Also- babe, that looks like its too small.’’ I said, concerned. But he shook his head and waved me off.

‘’It is a little uncomfortable but thats to be expected, considering. Besides, I like it that way. Feels more restrictive,’’ he said. ‘’The keys are inside my phone case.’’ His eyes were slightly glossed over and his cheeks were red. He looked absolutely beautiful to me.

I quickly grabbed the keys and gingerly unlocked the silicone device, taking his cock in both my hands and giving it a few slow strokes once the device was fully off.

‘’Shit, you’re full..’’I said, looked down at his girthy length with awe. He was hard as a rock in my hands and I looked up at his face just in time to see his eyes flutter shit as he rested his head back onto the pillow.

‘’Fuck, its been weeks..feels like an eternity,’’ he moaned.

I took my right hand off Drew’s cock, and came back to lay next to him, still using my other hand on him. I began to lay soft kisses and nibbles along his neck, loving the way he turned to the side, allowing me more access.

‘’I can take care of it, Daddy..’’ I purred in his ear. It still felt right to call him that, even though he wasn’t as in control as he usually was. And by the guttural moan he let out, it was clear he wasn’t about to complain.

‘’Yes, please..’’ He begged me. God, it was music to my ears.

Without even realizing it, we had immersed ourselves in this fantasy and there was no coming at this point. I felt it and it felt so right...and my pussy agreed. It was practically throbbing between my legs as he moaned and writhed underneath my touch.

His breath came out in harsh pants and I myself was ready to burst.

‘’Fuck, Drew you look so hot like this.. you wanna come, Daddy?’’ I whispered huskily. My lips traveled along his skin until I got to one of his nipples.

Not thinking too much of it, I bit down playfully on the hardened nub and my eyes nearly rolled back in delight at the almost animalistic sound he released.

‘’Please! ...I- I won’t cum until you tell me to but just..please, let me.’’ He replied in a rush.

‘‘Hmm..I don’t know.. you don’t sound very convincing..maybe I should just you back in that cage and leave you like thi-‘’ I started to say, but he quickly cut me off.

‘’Nono..please..please.. I’ll do anything!’’ He moaned. I could see the vein in his neck protruding as he tried his damnedest not to rock his hips. The sight alone made me decide to just give him what he wanted..but next time, he wouldn’t be so lucky.

My hand worked furiously on his cock and at one point, I heard his breath hitch, signaling his incoming orgasm.

‘’You liked having your cock locked up in front of all those people, Daddy? You enjoyed it, didnt you? I can tell,’’ I giggled as I continued stroking him, feeling it beginning to pulsate.

‘’Shit..can I-‘’ He said in the middle of a strangled moan, and I shook my head.

‘’Answer the question, Drew.’’ I ordered sharply and he blinked hard as if to make himself focus.

‘’Yes, I loved it! Even though only I knew- I loved it!’’ He yelled, clutching the sheets so hard I saw his knuckles turn white.

At that response, I nodded, satisfied with his answer.

I gave him a single command after that, watching in awe as ribbon after ribbon of Drew’s cum dribbled down her hand. I kept my eyes on him as he looked down at himself, watching my hand move expertly over him.

‘’That’s it..’’ I whispered, continuing to stroke him until he sagged against the sheets once again, his chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath.

But I wasn’t done with him...

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