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honeylikewords · 3 years

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uneasy lies the head (poe dameron)

In the wake of her passing, the official, if somewhat symbolic, royal title of Alderaan has passed to from Leia Organa to her chosen heir, Poe Dameron. Along with his elected position as the Galactic Senate Represenative for his home planet, Yavin V, Poe is now burdened with the responsibility of a political office he never imagined holding, and is called to attend a summit of the galaxy’s leaders that will be held aboard the Starcruiser Halcyon.

This piece is based on a few things: one, me liking the idea of Prince of Alderaan Poe, two, my interest in Begrudging Politician Poe, and three, the new details that have come out about the real-life Halcyon experience that will be opening up at Disney World in Florida, which you can read more about here! I’ve been really excited about it for a long time, and just thought it’d be fun to tie one of my favorite characters in to this amazing new experience that will be coming soon!

(Content Warnings: mentions of Leia’s de@th, some slightly risque flirting between Poe and his wife, and a little bit of making out, but that’s about it! Word count is 5k.)

Poe stands in front of the mirror, anxiously adjusting the epaulets of his tunic. They don’t seem to sit right on his shoulders, he thinks, passing a hand through their silvery fringe and watching them brush the snow-white fabric of his sleeves. This isn’t his kind of uniform, and when he looks at himself, he sees more a child wearing the spoils of a raid on their parent’s closet than the Senate representative he was meant to be. He tries tightening the high, pale collar of his tunic against his throat, swallowing thickly and watching his Adam’s apple bob beneath the colorless fabric. That didn’t help much dignify the image, he thinks, eyeing himself morosely.

He looks older. His beard is fuller, having let it grow out to appear more… wise, he supposes, and the grey streaks running through it match the ones appearing more and more every day at his temples. His tan fingers tease lightly at the end of his beard, trying to stroke it like he’d seen other, more senior politicians do when lost in thought (or at least trying to come across like they were). It makes him look pretentious.

Sighing loudly, he slumps his taut shoulders and rolls them a few times to loosen the aching muscles. He turns away from the mirror and steps out of the dressing room, entering the stateroom and collapsing onto the edge of the bed, his face in his hands. He hears a door hiss open and looks between his fingers at the emerging figure.

She’s still fidgeting with her hair, which is now lifted from its former looseness into a series of intricate looping braids. Letting out a huff, she takes her hands away, seemingly having resigned herself to leaving the hair as it was. Poe lifts his head a little, resting his chin on his palm as he watches her pat her dress and check the mirror in the dressing room, just as he’d been doing mere moments before.

She looks much, much better than he does. It’s an objective fact. Her air is stately and refined, with her gown framing her regally. The fabric is a delicate, pale blue, trimmed with fine threads of gold that interweave and flow, like braided ivies, trailing up her waist in a way that guides Poe’s wandering eyes to the loveliness of her figure. She seems to belong better to this world, with its mannerisms and socialites, its political politenesses. He never had the patience to be so diplomatic, even though that is his job, now.

He watches her pull a face at herself in the mirror, frowning at some flaw he’s oblivious to, and he stands up, coming to her side and placing his hands on the small of her waist, leaning his head on her shoulder and kissing her cheek amiably.

“You look like a princess,” he purrs, hoping his flattery will encourage her confidence. He hates seeing her unhappy with herself.

“I wish,” she responds, voice tinged with something wan and far away. “I… I really do wish.”

He knows what she’s thinking about: he’d been thinking about it, too. Dropping the air of adulation, Poe reaches for her hand and gently knits their fingers together, pressing their locked hands softly against her belly for reassurance. He meets her eyes in the mirror, and the two share expressions of loss.

“I miss her, too,” he murmurs. “I don’t feel like… like I can do what she did. What she left for me to do.”

He feels his wife squeeze his hand intently, causing him to lift his head up and meet her gaze as she turns to look at him, unfiltered by the mirror. Her eyes, clear and sharp, stare at him as she nods, then kisses his forehead warmly, taking her free hand and brushing it softly across his cheek.

“She chose you for a reason,” she whispers, soft and sincere, just like she always does. “Leia left you her seat and title because you’re the only person fit for the job. She trusted you.”

Her hand dips to his jaw and she lifts his head up from its morose slump. He cannot look away from her, even if he wanted to.

“I trust you, too.”

Poe takes in all the angles of his wife’s face, knowing that no single word of what she said was untrue, but searching for the possibility of a lie anyway in some small giveaway of her expression; after all, how could he be the one fit to carry on in the shadow of his predecessor? How could his shoulders carry the burden of her greatness, much less improve upon it? But there, in her eyes, Poe sees the truth, reflected over and over again: he was chosen for this job, chosen to carry on a legacy he had no option but to strengthen. He is the only one who could, whether he believes it or not.

He straightens his back a little, standing up taller, and squeezes his wife’s hand in silent thanks, taking a moment to press their foreheads together and breathe in the scent of her. She is wearing perfume-- something they’d never had access to during the scarcity of the war-- and he marvels at how something so small changes the entire atmosphere of her presence. She truly embodies the grace and elegance of the woman who came before both of them, looking every inch the part of an Alderaanian royal.

Glancing back at himself in the mirror, Poe huffs; while she may look, indeed, just the way Leia would want the nation to be represented, Poe does not. He looks stuffy in his garb, at times like an old man in the too-tight clothes of his youth, and, at others, like a scrawny teenager in the baggy trappings of someone he was only pretending to be. She seems to sense his dismay, as she takes the initiative to comfort him, this time.

“You look dashing,” she smiles, adjusting his lapels and the ribbons of decoration on his chest. “Prince Poe Dameron, Senate Representative of Alderaan and Yavin IV. You’ll knock ‘em dead.”

At that, Poe lets out a playful, exasperated huff, rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, I’ll be great,” he grimaces, eyeing his form in the mirror. He raises his voice into a mocking lilt, swaying his head from side to side in an intentionally cartoonish parody of a stuffy bureaucrat. “Oh, Senator Y’Barra, your engagement commission is most dreadful! Shall we discuss its heinousness over tea and crescent crumpets? Garcon, we need more gold-dusted butter for our scones if we are ever to pass this bill!”

She covers her mouth to hide the beginnings of a smile and tries to reprimand Poe, affectionately slapping his chest.

“It’s nice that we’ve been asked to attend the summit, Poe. At least try to make some--”

“Don’t say friends,” he groans. “I don’t want to make friends with these people. They’re politicians; they don’t want to do anything other than profit, and post-war reconstruction is a hell of a time to make money for slime bags like these people.”

That seems to take her back for a moment, and Poe watches her expression shift as she sorts through her thoughts, her lips pursed, eyebrows arched. She then shrugs and nods, acquiescing.

“Probably. But there are probably also people like you: people whose service in the war and dedication to their people, all across this galaxy, led them to this job. People who just want to rebuild. Do better. You’ll find them, dear: you’re an excellent judge of character.”

She taps her fingers against his nose playfully.

“After all, you picked me, didn’t you?”

“If I remember correctly,” Poe teases, lowering his eyes to her lips and smirking, “You were the one to get a crush on me first. All butterflies and nerves anytime I so much as passed you in the halls. More like you picked me, huh?”

Poe catches her face take on the familiar cues of embarrassment and flustering; he can just tell he’s got her all a-twitter, and she pouts her lips, looking down at her shoes shyly as he starts to chuckle. It’s adorable to remember how flighty and skittish she was in those early days, and how enamored of her he himself was, and remains. Getting her all shy like this is a sweet harkening back to that early, giddy tension, and he dips his face down, hovering his lips just above hers, feeling her draw in a breath of neediness and--

“Senator Dameron,” a robotic voice announces through the commlink in the stateroom, freezing Poe in place. “The ferry is beginning docking procedures with the Halcyon. Please proceed to the boarding area. A droid will be sent to collect your luggage as you leave.”

“Ah, shit,” he growls. He’d completely lost track of time.

Dodging back out into the stateroom, Poe glances out the window and sees the looming mass of a gigantic starcruiser, a sharp body of glimmering steel and inky black portholes contrasted against the star field behind it. It is massive-- far larger than any ship Poe had personally piloted in the past-- and spans more than the distance his window could afford a view of. They are extremely close, and within minutes will be aboard the behemoth, where Poe will have to eat, sleep, and breathe senatorial and princely dignity.

He turns away from the window to see his wife making sure everything was packed and prepared for departure, checking the bathroom and dressing room before giving him a confirming nod: everything is where it needs to be. They are ready to go.

They walk towards each other and Poe places his hands on his wife’s arms, stroking up and down the bareness of her shoulders to steady himself. As he feels the warmth of her skin beneath his rough palms, Poe blinks with awareness and gives her a quick squeeze, darting off to the dressing room. He opens a trunk and lifts up the topmost layer of fabric, running back into the stateroom with it carefully laid across both his forearms, then turns his wife to face him and gently lays the upper corners of the fabric on each of her shoulders.

“The cloak,” he mumbles as he fastens the pale silver silk around her neck, “Don’t wanna forget that. A princess is set apart by garments like that.”

“Right,” she hums, admiring his hands as he fusses with her collar. “Sometimes it’s hard to remember that since you’re the prince, now, and I married you, I’m the--”

“Princess, yep,” grins Poe. “Princess Dameron.”

“By marriage only,” she teases.

“And I’m only the prince because she left an essentially honorary title to me,” Poe wits back. “But it suits you, at least.”

“You think?”

“Mm. Now, I think the prince owes his princess one of the tenets of royal responsibility: unadulterated affection towards one’s spouse.”

“Is that a tenet of your responsibilities?,” she smiles, brow cocked.

“I just made it up, but I like to think so.”

Once again, Poe presses his palms against the soft curves of her upper arms, squeezing in the grounding manner he knows she likes, tracing his thumbs along the creamily-smooth fabric now covering her, and he leans in close, admiring how the light shifts against her skin as his shadow draws nearer. He parts his lips, ready to feel the gentle swell of her soft ones against his, when, as if by divine interruption, the hydraulic hiss of the stateroom’s door fills the room and a silver-plated protocol droid peers at him through the now-open door. He grits his teeth to resist letting out a completely undignified expletive aimed at the droid and stares at it pointedly, trying to silently communicate that it had interrupted a private moment.

“It is time to board the Halcyon, Senator,” it chimes in the lilting manner all protocol droids seem to have, seemingly blissfully unaware of his frustration. “Please, come with me to the boarding area.”

Behind the protocol droid, a cargo lifter droid rolls by, seemingly waiting until Poe and his wife leave the cabin to enter. Poe sighs, but can’t resist letting a small chuckle out: both droids, despite their different purposes, both seem polite, in their own sorts of ways, and he always finds that endearing.

Looking to his wife, Poe gives a little bemused half-smile and shrugs his shoulders, as if apologetic but resigned. She takes his hand and turns, nodding to both droids with an impassive but gracious expression, one that Poe notes is more than befitting of an official such as herself. Distanced, but not dour, regal, but not recalcitrant. He loves it.

“Thank you,” she says, coolly polite. “Please, lead the way.”

The protocol droid begins its stiff-jointed hobble towards the boarding area and Poe and his wife trail behind, arms linked at the elbow as Poe fidgets with her fingers. He twiddles her marriage band as they walk, always comforted by the feel of it on her hand. He admires it as they silently proceed; it’s somewhat rough-hewn, made from hammered durasteel, a little uneven and dented in some places from the haste in which it was made, and Poe loves it.

He loves how it contrasts the delicate, fragile jewelry common amongst royals, how it’s not meant to glitter and shine and grab attention, how it ties her to him and he to her, with no regard for image or pomp. It is heavy and solid and made purely for the sake of love and belonging, and she wears it everywhere she goes with pride, as if it was the finest-cut Oshiran sapphire, or the most carefully sculpted gold. It is one of the crown jewels of Alderaan, now, and the thought of it-- of his parent’s simple, quickly-made wedding ring, forged in a time of war, without promise of any moment past the one they were in, now being a royal regalia-- makes his heart ache to bursting with unadulterated love.

Poe tugs her hand up and kisses her knuckles as they finally round the corner into the boarding area; somewhere in the back of his mind, he registers the droid saying something about how their luggage will be sent directly to their stateroom aboard the Halcyon, but he’s hardly listening. He’s looking at his wife, his rock, his tether, as they begin their socialite dance, seeking steadfast comfort in her as he prepares to have to play his part in a world he was never born to be in.

The droid gestures to a corridor formed between the two ships: passengers traipse from the shuttle onto the boarding area of the Halcyon, representatives from a myriad of species in a breadth of costumes and liveries. Poe and his wife exchange glances, knowing that these people will have some hand in forming what comes next in the political landscape of the galaxy, and that they, too, will be instrumental in forging the new governments of the rising Republic.

“Come on,” she smiles, trying to coax him along, tugging his hand and taking a step forward, “It’s gonna be fine. It’s not like my flyboy to get cold feet, hm?”

Poe chuckles and shakes his head, trying to dislodge his clouding worries, and walks in time with his wife, joining the throngs of senators and royals and presidents and diplomats making their way aboard the Halcyon. Some of them exchange pleasantries, others are locked in conversations: some even look at Poe and his wife and nod in acknowledgement, or turn to their compatriots and whisper.

Poe feels an embarrassed heat creep up the base of his neck; he knows rumors have circulated about his particularly unusual position as a representative for a dead planet and a living one, and about how he’d been named the next in line for a royal title he was not born into. He tries not to let it get to him-- let people think that they think, and do your job, Leia had always told him-- but the feeling of alienation and disbelonging hangs over him, shaming him into silence. He tenses, and keeps his eyes fixed forward, which grants him an ever-nearing view of the grand foyer of the massive starcruiser.

The Halcyon is unlike any other ship Poe has ever been on. He’d heard about starcruisers like this, meant to be enormous cruise ships travelling in luxury and style from one planet to another, filled with sprawling cabins and indulgent amenities, and had never even pictured himself aboard one. The thought hardly appealed to him: days, weeks, even, of doing nothing? Just wandering aimlessly around, decadent and opulent in one’s revelry? The mere idea disgusts him. Still, as he steps into the expansive entry for the Halcyon, he finds himself feeling something other than disgust: he feels strangely at home.

The area is bustling as ship workers and bellhops collect luggage and transfer it to droids, as greeters guide guests to check in areas and hand them keycards, as officers check passports and documentation against databases, all lit under the glow of thousands of lights, which reflect off polished durasteel and marble surfaces. Holo projections provide information about travel destinations and the cruise itself in hundreds of different tongues, while a massive projection of the captain glows a familiar blue and greets the boarding politicians.

Poe turns in awe, gazing at the dozens of porthole windows affording views of distant and nearby star clusters, at the navigational crew high above, checking maps and charting courses, and takes a deep, steadying breath in through his nose, squeezing his wife’s hand tight. The hum and thrall of the ship, with its thousands of moving parts and requisite workers, feels exactly like all the ships he’d served on during the Rebellion. He half-believes that if he closes his eyes and turns around, he’ll open them and see Leia there, giving orders and directing the workflow.

The memory sits on his heart, but instead of a heavy, lingering pain, it kindles a warm, growing fire: she lives on in him. She would be proud to see him carrying on the mantle, working to do what no one else has the skill, speech, or stones to do. She is never really gone. Never can be.

Instilled with strength and purpose, Poe looks to his wife, who is staring at the gargantuan hub of activity before her, almost taken aback by how bustling it is. He leans down and gently pecks her cheek, tugging her along and breaking her out of her trance. They’ve got places to be, things to do, royal engagements to avoid, after all. As they begin to move closer to what Poe believes is the reception desk, a Twi’lek in a sleek, almost military-looking white uniform steps in front of Poe and his wife, grinning from green ear to ear.

“Senator Dameron, Princess Dameron,” she greets, bowing at the waist respectfully, “I am Lyna’ame, and I’ll be directing you regarding your stay on the Halcyon. Thank you for honoring us with your patronage.”

“Uh, thank you for having us,” Poe stammers, unsure of how to conduct himself in such a position.

Lyna’ame looks up at him with a quizzical eye, but seems too well-trained to respond with anything more than a polite smile and a nod. She produces from the pocket of her grey-trimmed suit a pair of infochips, extending them towards Poe and his wife.

“You will be staying in the royal suite on Deck B, unit number eighteen,” Lyna’ame smiles. “These chips will act as your keys to the room and to any amenities you should wish to access, and will remind you of upcoming engagements or conferences you should be in attendance of.”

As if on cue, the small screens on the infochips light up and read “19:00: Senatorial Dinner In Ballroom One!” Poe blinks at it, then flashes Twi’lek a cordial but slightly cold smile, taking the chips from her hand and tucking them unceremoniously into his breast pocket.

“Alright, thanks. I think we can get it from here.”

She seems not to register his attempt to tie off the loop of the conversation, continuing anyway.

“You will also have access to all the facilities of the ship, including the swimming areas, dining areas, lounges, bars, activity centres, spas and--”

“I’ll check the brochure in the room,” Poe smiles, searching for an exit. “I appreciate it, but, uh, my wife is very tired--” --Poe nudges her with an elbow and she balks, then understands his intention and mimes a yawn, nodding sympathetically-- “--And I’d love to get her some rest before any hobnobbing, y’know?”

“Of course, your highness,” Lyna’ame says, again accompanied by a civil bow. “The elevators are to the left. Press your infochip to the pad and it will take you to your floor. Your luggage should already be in your room, and please,” she smiles. “Enjoy your cruise.”

Poe bows back, then leads his wife by the elbow to the elevators, where they tap their key card and the doors hiss open. As they board, just the two of them, Poe’s wife turns to face him and raises one eyebrow, haughty.

“Really threw me under the bus there, Poe,” she smirks. “‘Oh, my wife wants to leave this conversation because my wife is awkward and doesn’t know how to handle subordinate behavior from service workers’. Real nice.”

Rolling his eyes, Poe can’t help but smile, and instead of replying, drops his hand to the small of his wife’s back, grazing his fingers there for a moment before dipping slightly lower and--

She jumps, then giggles, hitting him with a shocked but not at all displeased expression.

“Did you just pinch my ass?”

“Maybe,” he smiles. “Why?”

“You just seemed so…” She touches his arm, searching for the right word, chewing her lip thoughtfully. “Severe, before. Lost.”

“Feeling better. Feeling… like I can do this, maybe. Or at least do what I need to do, even if it doesn’t look exactly like how everybody else might expect me to.”

At that she purses her lips and nods, and he can tell she’s happy for him: he’s not entirely out of the woods about this whole ‘galactic representative’ thing, and certainly not used to all the expectations that come with being the heavy head that wears the crown, but he’s going to be alright. At least, he feels like he is, at this moment, and that’s all that matters.

Poe finds himself allowing his smile to grow wider as he dips down and nuzzles her temple, teasing his lips over her ear, tempting and toying.

“I still hate the suit,” he whispers, sending her shivering, “And I don’t want to talk to these people like we’re all buddy-buddy--”

“--Acknowledged, Senator,” she teases, rubbing his arm in the way that lets him know she’s itching to get more handsy.

“But we’re gonna have a private room,” he continues, “And a lock on the door, and at least--” --He checks the infocard, which reads “17:05”-- “--About two hours before anybody’s gonna need us, so I say we shimmy out of these nice duds…”

Poe’s finger trails down the silky rivulets of her collarbones; he has to admit, he does find her massively attractive in this royal robing, but he figures it’ll be less hassle for both of them to assure he doesn’t get too rowdy while they’re wearing some of the best (and irreplaceably expensive) fineries in the galaxy, so he’ll have to bid her pretty little dress and luxurious cape adieu for their stateroom rendezvous. Not that he minds: the dress might be pretty, but the woman underneath is ten times more so. Besides, she can always put it back on again for the dinner, anyway.

“We go see what kind of minibar we’re looking at,” Poe teases, watching her roll her eyes, “Hop in the bath, and see where those two hours take us.”

“Mm, we’ll see,” she demures, patting his chest. He knows she likes to dance around it, never say anything too scandalous where someone else can hear, and he loves that; she extends the tension, making him wait for what he wants. He may not ever have been a patient man before, but she forces him to slow down, savor it, work for it. And that’s delicious.

The elevator doors slide open as Poe leads his wife out into the hall, kissing her jaw as he checks the suite numbers. They shuffle along, exchanging little pecks and touches in the graciously empty hallway (what would the other representatives think, she reminds him in a hushed tone as they pass rooms, if they saw the new prince of Alderaan and Senator for Yavin V hanging off his wife like a pubescent teen?) before arriving at suite eighteen. Poe fumbles in his breast pocket, keeping his lips planted on his wife’s neck, then slaps the infochip haphazardly against the door. It clicks open, and Poe doesn’t even bother to look inside: he just coaxes his wife in, and tumbles in after her.

The lights in the room slowly turn on automatically, rising from a low dim to a sunny brightness, illuminating white-panelled walls and a lush, wide bed, all the furniture sharply clean and sleekly modern, trimmed in shades of black and silver. A massive window shows the endless expanse of space beyond the double-layered transparisteel, and while Poe would normally be more inquisitive and peek around the room to admire it, he’s more than occupied as he pushes his face deeper in the warm, scented crook of his wife’s neck.

“Careful,” she warns as his hand starts to pet at the base of her head, eking dangerously close to the beginnings of her hair roots, “These braids took me hours. I don’t want to have to re-do them, Dameron”

“I get that,” he breathes heavily, “But you look really hot with messy hair and--”

“If we’re going to go to that dinner, I’m not going to go with my hair flying everywhere! I’ll look like a… well, you know!”

“Like a woman well-loved by her husband,” Poe teases, nipping at her jaw. “But, fine, we’ll skip the dinner, and I’ll just keep you all to myself. Nobody else has to see. In fact, I’d prefer they didn’t.”

His eyes glimmer with wolfish promise as he sets his wife down on the edge of the white-blanketed bed, staring at her as her skirts form pools of silver and blue. He’s serious: the summit dinner all but disappears from his mind as he looks at her; how beautiful she is. How elegant. So poised and pretty and his, all his, to love until all the suns swallow themselves and burn out. All these representatives won’t miss him at one measly, lousy dinner, right? Not when he has the love of his life to attend to, surely.

“What’s gotten into you?,” she giggles, kicking off one of her sophisticated shoes as she sits on the bed. “You’re acting like we’re on our honeymoon!”

Poe leans in and places his hands on either side of her hips, bumping his forehead to hers as he takes long, weighty breaths, feeling the heat radiate off of her.

“I just… This is a lot, right?”

“Mm,” she acquiesces.

“And you’re kind of… what I go back to when I’m in too deep. So, right now, all this summit stuff and the Senate and the council? I need that to take a backseat to me being with you. The person I love. And letting that be what guides me in what I need to do for… everybody else.”

She lets out a soft, appreciative “aw”, her eyes softening as she cups his cheek, and Poe leans into her hand, allowing a little lasciviousness to leak into his smile as he stares down at her.

“Plus, it’s kinda… you know, a little sexy, being somewhere so new and ritzy. I’m not used to this kind of stuff. That, and we barely got a honeymoon, if you remember--”

“Yeah,” she recalls, sighing and pinching the bridge of her nose, clearly vexed by the memory, “I remember. The day after we got married, that First Order outpost tried to open fire and you were up and out of bed and back in deployment after less than twenty four hours of being a married man.”

“Duty never sleeps,” he shrugs. “But… We can make up for lost time here, on this big, shiny, fancy-ass ship, huh?”

Poe wiggles his eyebrows with playfully rapacious intent, sending his wife into a fit of good-natured laughs. He adores when she laughs; it sends his heart racing, every inch of him alight with the joy of knowing that her smiles are because of him, the sound of her voice bouncing up and down with glee all caused by some silly little thing he’s said or done. Unable to contain himself, Poe leans down and kisses her, cutting off the sounds of her laughter, a deep, satisfied groan emanating from his chest.

“God,” he rumbles as they part for a quick breath, “I haven’t gotten to do that all damn day.”

“It did feel really good,” she sighs, clasping her arms around his neck. She seems to take pause, etching his face into her memory with her eyes, then comes to a decision: Poe would recognize that resolute gleam in her expression anywhere. “Alright, we’re staying.”

“...You mean it?,” he chirps.

“Yep. You tell them your poor, defenseless wife is laid up ill and needs your constant and most doting attention,” she smiles, kissing the tip of his nose. “Then when you’re done calling the front desk, you come over here and you help me get out of this dress and into that bath you promised.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he chuckles, then catches himself. “I mean, yes, Princess.”

“Mm,” she beams, teasing him with a pinch on the thigh. “Much better.”

They share another deep, drawn-out kiss before Poe manages to wrest himself away from her and off to the side of the room with the comm built into the wall, but glances over at her as he taps at the screen to connect with the front desk. She grins coyly from the bed, kicking one leg out in a pseudo-sultry, semi-silly way from beneath her sumptuous gown. Poe can’t help but feel a swell of endearment.

As the call connects, Poe sighs dreamily to himself; if all else failed, at least he had her, and with her by his side, he was definitely going to enjoy a very, very pleasurable cruise.

#poe dameron #poe dameron x reader #long post #original #OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVEEEEE i actually sat down and wrote this? dkhfhdkf #im a little rusty but! felt good to finish a project! i hope you guys enjoy!!#star wars

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pinkykitten · 3 years

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everything stays

chapter 1 - blood on her hands :: gisela klein [ an aot oc story ]

note: hey guys i know its been a rlly long time since ive posted anything and u may be rlly let down and underwhelmed that ive chosen to write a aot oc instead of fanfic but its what i want to write and i rlly love my oc and wanna give her some love and some praise and let u a little in how i see her. im sorry i havent posted a lot im going to try to write more and who knows i may or may not finish this but its ok imma try lol but life sometimes is a butthole. i hope you love her as much as i do an tysm for taking time out of ur day to read this story. enjoy!

Even though she knew that this day would have to come and that it was near, it still was a surprise for her. She was taken aback. It didn’t make sense and add up to her; she was trained for this since she was little; preparing mentally and physically for phase one of the plan; and the day appeared through the trees; past the wall; the opportunity was present; the fate of the people were waiting in their hands; and yet she felt a sense of evilness within her heart. Was this right? But there was no time.

The day was written down in history. The stories were spread around like a disease. Heights, jaws, teeth, feet, stench, the screams. If they survived that nightmare they were seen as a tough soldier; as someone that was applauded because they probably had PTSD and had to see everyday as a reason within themselves or God that they were alive. That maybe just maybe they were saved for a reason; for a purpose. That is what Gisela Klein thought. Maybe there was something greater out there for her to do, to accomplish and that was why she saw another day; breathed another breath.

But one thing was for sure. Forgiveness would never come her way; she would never expect it. To be a warrior she had to endure the horror; the pain; feelings of worthlessness; and friendships lost.

This is the story of the 10th finding titan; the Slash Titan.

The pounding of her heart rang through her ears. It had taken everything for her to keep going on this journey; to continue on the path to and through Hell. She felt a loss within her and the light in her eyes died out. The loss of her friend made it hard for her to function. To keep her head in the game and in the plan.

She sighed as she stared at her hands. Broken and bruised like her heart; scars and scratches scattered on her skin. Her bite mark deeply engraved into her flesh. She heaved a huge sigh. Ready to give death a handshake and make a deal with the devil. Panic was rising in her chest from her stomach, almost ready to throw up.

As she thought about her family back home she realized there was no other way; she had to do this. In order to be with her family, to save them she had to do the one thing she was trained to do.

Kill.

A lightning strike shot over the wall. The wall that kept the monsters away and at bay. Something was wrong; the air seemed to change. The lightning strike caused a boom, clap and the ground started to shake.

Bertholdt drew his leg back and with full force swung his leg forward, knocking a hole into the wall that was impenetrable. Many people flew back from the wind of the blow and some were crushed by the debris of the wall.

Many were going to die; but it’s what needed to be done.

The titans were called.

Finally the titans entered the devils homes and started to rip up their lives. “This is right, this is right.” Gisela had to keep reminding herself. “For my family.” And something snapped within her. The image of her mother, tortured, flashed in her mind. And suddenly everything was worth it. “No regrets.”

Gisela eyed Reiner, an agreement, a sign. She exhaled and in a quick motion placed her hand to her mouth and bit into it. In a spark she transformed into her titan form. Her eyes were much like a cats, sharp. She was made into the slash titan, she was chosen for this program. Her titans fingers were like sharp knives, able to cut any object or person. They hung a little past her knees.

Reiner then transformed and both stomped past the hole. Many citizens glanced up, horrified. Gisela and Reiner were titans never seen before.

She nodded to Reiner, bent down and started to pick up debris and pieces of houses to throw over the bigger wall. The chunks started to smash against people. Blood splattering everywhere. Gisela almost wanted to close her eyes from the immense amount of dead bodies piled on top of others, graves upon graves.

She was hauling boulders as high and fast as she could. Her titan held a high amount of power and strength. Being slim, muscular and as tall as the armored titan and female titan. Reiner took a step back and gained his speed to go onward to destroy the bigger wall.

“Fire!” Their soldiers cried out. Fear evident on their face. They shot their cannons, not even slowing down Reiner. Gisela continued flinging, wanting to create a path for Reiner. She was faster than before and many of her hits flattened the men in the front lines. Their screams and cries loud.

“Close the gate!” They tried, it was their last hope to save humanity. But it was not enough. Reiner broke the wall and killed those running and they went flying. They reached even higher than Gisela. It astounded her almost, they seemed like helpless birds flying high in the sky; but that thought was quickly wiped clean because the second they flew up in the air they came straight down with much force that many parts of their bodies broke.

Reiner did what he needed to do, he opened up a way for the titans to get in and they were swarming by the bunches.

In the distance, the survivors fled in boats across the river to get into the other walls. Gisela put herself in their shoes for a second. They had reason to be scared. Everything they have ever known was gone; their houses, loved ones, food, a place to feel the most comfortable you can feel despite situations; it was all gone. Gisela shook the thought out, not caring about these cruel humans feelings. They had none. No emotions. Gisela had to believe that thought; what she was told, she had to believe it with all her heart, or else what was real?

They waited till they were able to not be seen and Gisela turned human first and then so did Reiner. The four of them hopped on the boat. Talking amongst themselves. The wind howled through the vacant homes. Destruction everywhere. Gisela looked around her setting and saw a little girl had been crushed because a tree fell on her, her doll mere inches away from her grasp. She died with her eyes open; almost looking into Gisela’s soul through the eyes. Gisela’s body trembled and she threw up.

“Don’t.”

Gisela looked up to see Reiner wiping blood and debris off his clothes. He picked his sleeve and turned Gisela’s head to look away, he wiped her chin and mouth off the puke. He saw the trauma in her eyes and felt guilty. But it’s what needed to be done. He kept telling himself that the more he did this the more he would understand and get used to it. It was still all new to her and he had to be strong for her. He knelt in front of her small frame. “It’s not your fault. They needed to die. We are in this together. You don’t need them. Look at me.”

Gisela looked into his eyes, away from the sadness. His eyes carried the feeling of wanting to be wanted. That was always what Reiner wanted. But they also had fear in his eyes.

“Stop acting like you’re in control when I know how sick you feel. I know how afraid you are Reiner.”

He paused and took a look at his hands and others surrounding him. “You’re right. But I made a promise to Marcel.”

They joined the other citizens arriving at the food reserves. The master of disguise was needed in this mission. People needed to see four hungry, depressed children that survived the fall of their homes, not mass murderers.

Annie was only able to fetch two loaves. “Alright, who's the most hungry?”

“You girls should eat, you’re more feeble.” Bertholdt sat on a crate, pointing to Gisela and Annie.

Annie tsked, moving a bang from her eyes, “who says girls are more feeble? I recall kicking your ass all those times in training.”

“You guys can eat it, I’m not hungry.” Gisela sat on the other crate and saw the chaos of the crowds. A boy caught her interest. He had dark brown hair, tan skin, and light blue green eyes. He was having bread shoved in his mouth and he seemed to have such a strong personality to him. If only Gisela felt so strongly about her motive and her placement in this life.

“You really should eat, you need your energy after all you did.” Annie broke all the loaves in half and shared it amongst the four of you. “It’s not much but at least it's something.”

Gisela sighed, “you’re right. Thanks.”

After that day there was land given to only a few refugees but there were too many of them. Luckily the four of them had a piece of land that was enough until further inching themselves within society. Through that whole span each day was getting easier and easier living with the lies and day by day Gisela felt more at sure with herself and knowing that she could fulfill this mission. Pills and alcohol helped the pain and ease the thoughts. She taught herself to put a gap between what she came here to do and feelings. She told herself every day that nobody else mattered except her family and Reiner. She trained her brain to not care, to not have strings attached or any love for anything. It was all a play, all a rehearsal for when the curtain would fall. She was readying herself for that fall. Everyday she educated herself more on these scums. What they liked, wanted, needed, craved for, and what they craved more than ever in their life was freedom.

She trained her body as if it were her last day, barely getting sleep. The face of her mother haunting her every night making her get up at three in the morning to do pushups or sit ups. Not only was her mind getting stronger but also her body. Even Reiner would make jokes noticing the muscles that would appear. The six pack that formed on her stomach. Her thighs growing tight and firm, her arms growing stronger. The sweat growing on her forehead longer.

With her body growing her relationship with Reiner also changed. They no longer were the tiny children that didn’t understand anatomy or the air between two people. Reiner and Gisela’s relationship was of being flirty, sharing a few kisses here and there, trying to be a couple but then yelling at each other and breaking it up and realizing maybe this isn’t right a million times. Even Bertholdt and Annie were getting tired of their outbursts. But each time they made up to be friends only and then the cycle started where the feelings came in the way and they wanted to be more. They would tease each other, especially Reiner. They were each other's best friends. Gisela was like one of the boys, loud, obnoxious, burping all the time, Reiner would get a look at her and smirk thinking he taught her well. When Reiner looked at her he felt at home and that everything was going to be okay. Her nightmares continued and each time Reiner would come to her room and hold her, let her cry into his arms. She felt he was the only person that knew her pain.

Gisela understood many things in life and for once she understood her life here, she understood why she was born and chosen.

It was the following year and in order to get closer to finding the founding titan the four became part of the 104th cadet corps.

“Are you ready to train more?” Gisela nudged Reiner, eyebrow raised.

“What do you mean train more? This is going to be a new but scary experience honestly.” Reiner spoke as if he was a different person. As if he didn’t have a life outside of the walls.

“Reiner?” Gisela placed her hand on his shoulder, steadying him. He looked fine on the outside but Gisela knew the issues were inside, his mind. She knew this was becoming disastrous to him, he was starting to have almost two personalities, two lives, two worlds, two people. Gisela tried to tell Annie or Bertholdt, they saw it too but there was nothing they could do.

All that Gisela could do was smile as they made their way to the first day of training.

note: again ty y’all sm!!!! If u liked it lmk and this is kinda new for me cuz I usually don’t post my ocs stories here or much at all but I’m rlly excited for y’all to see her and for y’all to know this oc of mine and hopefully accept her ❤️

Taglist: @witchofinterest @chlobenet @eddysocs @fpxloomis @whctsherncme-archive @ocfairygodmother @fandomchick80 @ocappreciationtag

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artificialqueens · 4 years

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Favorite Place, Chapter 1 (Crygi) - Lily Bee

AO3 LINK

Summary: Crystal works at a French literature book store, and can’t help but fall for the pretty girl that comes in -also known as a cheesy bookstore au :)

A/N: hi guys! im lily & this is the crygi bookstore au ive been working on for a while! started as a oneshot and grew into what i plan on being a multichapter fic! thank you so much jazz for editing! if you want to request more writing check out my tumblr :)

Crystal always dreamed of working at a bookstore. As a kid, she used to save her allowance and go every week to her local book shop in Missouri for a new Star Wars book. Back then, they were only $5 and her only hardship was finding the loose change to pay the taxes.

Over the course of an entire summer that bled into fall, she read every adult Star Wars post-ROTJ book in print until she finally caught up. The store always had the science fiction section right up front and after that, she would march right up to the bays, pluck the latest installment on the day of its release, and make her purchase.

It was a huge store to her then, with two entrances and a long aisle down the middle separating towering shelves of books. Some of the smaller aisles snaked around corners or opened into new clearings of sections she hadn’t noticed before.

As Crystal got older, she was surprised when the manager actually hired her. She stayed there a few years until the store was forced to close. Of course she was devastated—this store had been a huge part of her life for so long, it felt like she was losing a friend. She kept the science fiction section clean and organized, taking particular care with the Star Wars books, until the day they had to pack everything up and move out.

Years later, she now found herself the manager of the book store Albertine in New York. The store was incredible: It was the only bookstore in the city devoted solely to books in French and English. The owner, Nicky, had the store stocked with more than 14,000 contemporary and classic titles from 30 French-speaking countries. Albertine was her pride and joy, and Crystal just felt lucky enough to make a living by selling books.

The days were fun filled with locals and tourists coming into the shop amazed by the gorgeous interior. They especially loved the hand-painted mural of constellations, stars, and planets. Crystal often found herself getting lost staring at that ceiling, spending her days recommending French novels to her customers and on her down time getting to read whatever she could get her hands on in her down-time.

Today was no different. A few customers had come in, but most of them just glanced around the store, leaving Crystal to read to herself at the counter.

When she heard the bell at the door chime, she didn’t even bother looking up. Over the pages of her book, she yelled: “Welcome to Albertines, if you need any help, let me know!”

“Actually, I do,” she heard a female voice say. She looked up from her book to see a tall girl leaning over the counter, tapping her long nails against it. Her long curly hair just touched the surface as she peered over at Crystal. “If you’re not too busy,” she added with a smile.

Crystal gulped. This girl was stunning, with piercing blue eyes that were currently glancing down at her. She was wearing a long coat over a plaid dress, and Crystal assumed she must have been wearing heels because she seemed to tower over her.

Crystal tried to stand up and stumbled over her words. “Yes, of course!” She gulped. “What can I help you with?”

The girl giggled at Crystal’s clumsiness. “I’m trying to find a gift for my boyfriend. He always talks about how much he loves France and I thought I would check it out here. You guys specialize in French literature, right?”

Ouch. There goes any shot of that, Crystal thought. Why would anyone this stunning be single? Or even not straight! But, she smiled and replied, “Yeah, we do. We can find him something!”

“Do you know what genre he would like?” Crystal asked as she led the girl throughout the store.

“In all honesty, no,” she laughed. “I can’t even speak a word of French!” She extended her hand to feel the edges of the books as they passed by.

“Here,” Crystal offered, picking up a book off a display case “This one is my favorite.”

The girl took it from Crystal’s hands and examined the cover. “How do you pronounce it?”

Crystal looked down at the cover and laughed; it was quite simple. “Madame Bovary.” She looked up at the girl. “It’s about a bored housewife named Emma Bovary as she laments her position as a doctor’s wife. She rejects her loving husband, and embarks on a number of unsuccessful affairs and drowns her sorrow in debt. Over time, she becomes increasingly dissatisfied with this though.”

“Sounds like me,” the girl mumbled under her breath as she brushed her fingers across the cover.

Crystal laughed to herself and continued. “The book looks at the effects of the rise of a bourgeois culture, showing a time when people who were capable of providing a good income for themselves became focused on their social image. It’s really quite good.”

“It sounds interesting. Maybe I’ll have to learn French and read it myself.” She locked eyes with Crystal. “Thank you!”

“Oh, it’s no problem—it’s my job,” Crystal beamed. “I hope your boyfriend likes it.”

“I hope he does too,” the girl sighed. “He’s a bit mad at me right now, and I’m hoping this will help him forgive me.”

Crystal didn’t know what to say, not great at comforting strangers.

“I don’t even know why I’m telling you this,” the girl disclosed.

“Well, why is he mad? If you don’t mind me asking,” Crystal questioned. She knew she shouldn’t pry, but this girl was basically begging for someone to ask if she was okay.

The girl gave Crystal a look, but didn’t object. “I always see him texting someone else, and he always is so secretive with me. So, I thought he was cheating on me. I confronted him about it and he was so mad he…” She trailed off. “I just don’t want him to be mad at me anymore, you know?”

Crystal knew exactly what this girl was talking about. She wanted to tell her to get out of the relationship, save herself. Crystal herself had been in an abusive relationship before, and just wished someone would have told her everything would be okay. She wanted to wrap this girl up and give her a hug, keep her safe in this book store.

“I understand,” Crystal said, not sure how to make her feel better. “I’m sure he’ll love this. You seem like an amazing girlfriend.”

“Thank you,” the girl laughed and wiped a small tear that began to fall from her eye. “I’m sorry, I’m giving you my whole life story and you don’t even know my name. I’m Gigi!” She extended her hand for Crystal to shake.

“I’m Crystal!” she beamed, accepting the hand graciously. She held onto Gigi’s hand as she spoke. “If you ever feel unsafe, though, don’t hesitate to come here. I can help you.” It was sincere. She wanted Gigi to feel safe.

Gigi just nodded. “Better check this out now,” she suggested.

“Don’t bother,” Crystal started. “It’s on me.”

Gigi just stared at her, wide-eyed. “Thank you so much! I really appreciate it.”

“Just think of the pretty girl from the French bookstore when you get around to reading it,” Crystal remarked, flashing Gigi a big smile.

#rpdr fanfiction #crystal methyd #gigi goode #crygi #fluff #angst #eventual smut #lesbian au #bookstore au #favorite place #lily bee #tw mention of abusive relationship #s12

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lonelypond · 4 years

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AU YEAH AUGUST: Café Quarantine, Part IV

Love Live, NicoMaki, 4.4K, 4/5

Summary: Nico's feeling better and the quarantine is about to end, but will the Café continue?

Chapter IV

Maki paused in the door of the kitchen. A masked Nico was prepping what looked like lasagna. Maki grinned. Nico had started objecting to takeout, insisting she could make better, healthier food.

“How were the donuts?” Nico asked, aware of Maki even turned away.

“Perfect.”

Nico snorted.

“Hey Nico.” Maki had woken up with an idea.

“Mmmm hmmm.” Nico hummed as she spread another layer of sauce.

“Why don’t you have your Mom bring your siblings over?”

Nico spun, sauce spilling across the counter.

“I mean, you can use the media room. I’ve got controllers enough for everybody to play MarioKart or something. I bet they miss you a lot. You shouldn’t be contagious.”

“You want to be beat at MarioKart by more people?” Nico aimed the spoon at Maki and flicked her wrist.

“Ha! You beat me once.” Then Maki shrugged, “I’d stay out of the way. I might still be asymptomatic.”

“Maki will be fine.” Nico said fiercely, surprising Maki.

“Probably.” Maki agreed, “Anyway, ask your Mom. She doesn’t work on the weekends, right? It’ll give them something to be excited about.” Maki zoomed off, while Nico was still processing the offer.

###

“No!!!” Maki roared at her phone while Hanayo’s not in any way innocent suggestion blinked there. It was time to pick another theme after three days of “Dames.” And Hanayo, probably with Rin giggling in the background had just sent a group text with the word “Kiss.” Sure Maki might have thought it to herself, maybe imagined singing “Prelude to A Kiss” or “Give Me A Kiss To Build A Dream One” but her private conversations in her own head were private, never to be shared or discussed in the same house as Nico.

No, no, no...this had to be stopped before Nico agreed. She typed quickly.

M: I thought Nico’s friend was going to dance. So wouldn’t dance be good? “

M: Or weather, I’ve been wanting to play “A Foggy Day in Londontown.”

N: Dance is good.

H: ಠ╭╮ಠ

Maki got a non group text from Rin.

R: Chicken.

M: This isn’t helping me, Rin.

R: (*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ))

R: (っ˘зʕ•̫͡•ʔ

Maki stormed out of her own bedroom, hoping to avoid Nico, slamming the music room door, and settling down to play. Time to Beethoven the annoyance at nudge-y friends out of her system.

###

The Yaazawas were in the house. Maki had decided to stay upstairs, listening to music in her room, but the need for a snack and something to do drew her out. She was positive that the extra games she’d downloaded would keep them occupied all afternoon.

A quick cold slice of pizza for refueling and Maki decided to sneak past the media room to the music room. There were yells and laughter and Nico trash talking. She sounded happier than she had since the quarantine started. Soon, maybe tomorrow, she’d go back to her place. Maki moved away from the door quickly before anyone noticed her, but it wasn’t quickly enough.

“DR. MAKI!!!!!” A voice Maki didn’t recognize screamed and a small weight slammed into her before she reached the sanctuary of the music room. “You saved Nico. You’re the best doctor.”

Maki froze and looked down. She’d seen pictures of Nico’s siblings. This was the middle one, a girl, Cocoa. Nico said she was constantly in motion. Maki believed that because as light as Cocoa was, she’d started dragging Maki back down the hall, “C’mon, Nico says you love MarioKart. Play with me. Cocoro only wants to play dancing games.” Cocoa let go and looked up at Maki eagerly. Did Nico look like that when she was a preteen, she definitely still had that much energy now.

Maki stepped back, “I can’t. I still have a couple days before I can hang out with people.”

“Nico said you’re probably fine.” Cocoa kept bouncing.

“I don’t want to take any risks?”

Cocoa’s expression turned serious, “Are your parents making you? Nico said they were really serious about quarantining.”

Did Nico tell her siblings everything? What had she said about Maki? Maybe Maki should have lingered in the hall and eavesdropped.

“I have to go. Go have fun with Nico.”

Nico’s voice saved her, “C’mon Cocoa. Nico approves of Maki being extra careful. We’ll come back sometime when she’s not quarantining, right, Maki?”

“Sure. Any time.” Maki wondered what games Nico’s little brother was enjoying and if Nico was really into dance games and had never mentioned it. Rin and Hanayo could come over sometime and…

“Have fun.” Maki headed for the back door, thinking about too many things for music..

“Thanks, Dr. Maki!” Cocoa waved, Maki nodded.

###

No moon yet. Maybe Maki would stay out here until dark. Nico’s mom would be taking the littler ones home soon and then Nico would probably nap and then there was Café Quarantine. Dance. Hanayo had finally agreed to the dance theme and Maki had practiced “One Note Samba” late last night. Nico would be singing “I Won’t Dance” while Maki played. Maki was not in a duet mood. Not really in a music mood, but…

Nico’s voice again, “Are you all right?”

Maki shrugged.

“Nico made you masks with music notes. They’re in the laundry.”

“Thanks.” Maki closed her eyes, refusing to look at Nico, hands behind her head, “Can you get Cocoro and Cocoa to stop calling me Dr. Maki. I didn’t save you.”

“So it’s all right if Cotaro does?”

Maki ignored that. She heard Nico sit in the chair to her left, “Nico is really grateful. All the pizza delivery saved Nico cooking. And the acoustics here.” Nico whistled.

“It was the right thing to do.”

“Nico feels special.” A nip of sarcasm, Maki grinned.

“When are you leaving?”

“Nico is going to make sure Maki is well.”

“I’ll be fine. You don’t have to stay for me.”

“You’ll have to swing by Nico’s apartment. We can do a Café Quarantine from there, but Nico doesn’t have a piano. I could borrow a keyboard. We could set up a little corner, it won’t be as fancy as your house, but people will…”

“This isn’t my house.”

Silence.

Nico was great at reading a room, at sensing what her audience, whether a customer or a drinking, dancing crowd wanted to hear, wanted to share. But not this one single person. Not Maki. If her knowledge of Maki was a mansion, Nico had only spent time on the ground floor and Maki had fled to the roof or the yard, having conversations with the stars in long silences that Nico watched from a distance. Nico knew there was a key, a way to understand Maki, but right now, her only guess was more time and Maki relaxing enough to trust her. So Nico went back to practical. And the thing they’d had in common at the first.

“Nico will almost be glad to get back to the coffee shop. Nico hasn’t slept this many hours since she was a baby, a very cute baby, but it’ll be nice to have…”

“I’m glad for you.” Maki tried not to snap, then opened her eyes, Nico was watching, almost too near, her expression curious, worried. Questions Maki didn’t want to hear gathered. Maki stood, “The samba needs more work. I’m glad your family’s having fun.”

“Maki?” Nico sounded hurt at Maki’s rush to leave. Maki wondered how she’d feel when Maki stopped showing up at the coffee shop. Would it be a relief? An answer Maki didn’t want right now. Scowling as a puzzled Nico stared, Maki didn’t acknowledge the invitation to talk, instead she fled upstairs, crushed a pillow to her chest, and buried tears before anyone could hear them.

###

Maki had lost the argument. Nico was back in the music room, in a tight, tight so so short little black dress that was going to interfere with Maki’s ability to read music if she glanced Nico’s way at all. And Maki suspected Nico knew that, from the teasing, take no prisoners twinkle in the ruby cannons. Which led to their first disagreement, Nico finding Maki’s trousers and open lilac linen shirt not nearly dressy enough.

“How does it look when the pianist doesn’t meet the dress code?” Nico pouted.

“There are no customers, Nico. We’re not sticking people in ties when they show up at the door. It’s just us.”

“And the camera. And the principle. Nico runs a classy place.” Nico spun, she was still wearing her mask, “Didn’t you say you enjoyed Hanayo harassing you. Well, now that I’m feeling better, you get in person service.”

“I didn’t ask for” Maki sneered, “In person service.”

“Nico knows what people want.”

“I want comfort.” Maki rolled up her sleeves. “It’s been a long day.”

“And you weren’t chasing kids around, which is tiring, if you didn’t know, so give Nico a break. And a perq,”

“A perq?”

“Nico is eye candy.” Nico waved her hands, showcasing her very well put together aesthetic, Maki completely caught by the curve of a calf. “Where’s Nico’s treat?”

Maki sat at the piano and the opening notes of “I Won’t Dance” filled the room.

“All right, that is a treat. And Nico appreciates it. But why don’t you match the music.”

Maki set her jaw, pivoted so she was facing Nico, who was now taller than her, which was very weird when you’re used to towering over the tiny tempest and now this set of stellar, torn from distant galaxies gems was dangerously close for the molten lava temps they were throwing off, “So I have to pretty up to be appreciated?”

Nico’s mouth opened and closed, like chewing gum was happening instead of speaking, and then a flood of charm and apology rushed Maki as Nico’s hands seemingly tried to sculpt the gown she wanted Maki to wear in the air between them. “Nico didn’t mean that at all. Maki’s doing Nico so many favors and you’ve had so much fun dressing up, Nico can tell, Maki’s so classy, surely there’s a little black dress in your closet…

Maki raised a hand, “That is a lovely dress.” She fidgeted with her collar. “I may, just may, be slightly underdressed so I’ll see what I can find.”

“Ooohh, Nico can help.”

“No.”

Nico sat on the piano bench, wondering if Maki was going to go for a gown or a cocktail dress. Most of Maki’s gowns were off the shoulder, so that would definitely be...Nico sighed, pointless fantasies unless Nico spoke up. Obviously, Maki was losing interest in the audience she had here.

Maki came back with a tuxedo jacket and a fedora, her smirk daring Nico to say something. Nico pulled a rose out of the floral arrangement in the hallway and handed it to Maki, who blushed so adorably Nico wanted to kiss the tip of her nose.

And then without any more talk, the evening’s Café started.

This is just a little samba built upon a single note Other notes are bound to follow but the root is still that note Now this new one is the consequence of the one we've just been through As I'm bound to be the unavoidable consequence of you

Nico was singing, showing surprising verve and vigor in the quick steps of her dance as she swayed into "the unavoidable consequence of you” That summed up Nico nicely, Maki thought. The Brazilian songs seemed to suit her, maybe that was why Maki kept coming back to them. Lively, vibrant, 24/7, a bossa nova beauty of complex harmonies twisting through an irresistible rhythm that was beginning to be the constant, too rapid default beating of Maki’s heart. “Estou com saudades de você” the Brazilians said. “I miss you soon” Maki thought, an inexact translation, but one that carried the feeling of the ease with Nico that she’d barely had and the loss of proximity that would derail any chance their connection would grow.

Nico came up behind Maki, the sudden proximity a fever of its own, and Maki felt fingers stroke through her hair, stealing her fedora, and then quicksilver Nico was back at the camera, for her audience. It was growing every night, Nico’s recovery spiking viral likes and comments. Hanayo was about to start selling branded masks and fuzzy socks.

Nico said something, then the camera was off, and Nico’s complete attention was on Maki. So Maki ducked, taking cover in the samba again, singing

There's so many people who can talk And talk and talk and just say nothing Or nearly nothing I have used up all the scale I know And at the end I've come to nothing Or, nearly nothing

Nico laughed, “The unavoidable consequence of Nico, huh?”

Maki grinned, “I didn’t say it.”

“No.” Nico was behind Maki, her hands sliding down Maki’s jacket, playing a quick, almost right chord as she softly sang in Maki’s ear.

So, I come back to my first note as I must come back to you I will pour into that one note all the love I feel for you Any one who wants the whole Show-Re-Mi Fa-So-La-Ti-Do He will find himself with no show Better play the note you know

Maki in a daring move, slid her hands under Nico’s and played the finish.

Now was the time, “I’m quitting the coffee shop, Nico.”

Nico risked a quick, loose hug, “Yeah, your parents probably would not like you being that exposed. You’ll be in Princess in a Tower mode.”

“I’m an adult, Nico.” Maki could have cried for the wavery betrayal of her voice, “I’m going to turn 21.”

“Don’t drink your way through Chicago. Trust Nico.” Nico stepped back.

“Why? What did you do?” Maki spun to face Nico.

“You’re still too young for that story...when’s your birthday? Nico will bake you a cake.”

“Next week”

“What’s your favorite flavor. Besides pizza.”

Maki shrugged.

“What are you going to do when you’re not working? Coronavirus kinda closed colleges. Did you pick a major?” Nico had settled into the farthest corner of the couch. Maki took a quick look, but the legs were too distracting, and Nico’s exquisite profile looked even sharper with the weight of serious thought shadowing perfect angles. Maki thought she might swoon.

“I have a plan.”

“Tell Nico.”

Maki shook her head, turning back to the piano as she blushed.

“C’mon tell Nico."

Maki began to play. A random song. Maki had been listening to the NYC Jazz Quartet and Vocalist Naski Young Cho. “Paris Match” had been looping. Maki could hear the lyrics in her head so she started singing.

As I tread the boulevard floor Will I see once more; Because you've clouded my mind 'Till then I'm biding my time I'm only sad in a natural way And I enjoy sometimes feeling this way The gift you gave is desire The match that started my fire Empty nights with nothing to do I sit and think, every thought is for you; I get so restless and bored So I go out once more; I hate to feel so confined I feel like I'm wasting my time

Maybe not so random a choice. Maki pushed back from the piano, shaking her head. Too many fever/fire/heat analogies. Good thing she wasn’t a painter or there would be rubies and lava and flames licking every wall she could put paint to. Instead, she put that excess in every note she had the energy to play and then hoped to collapse into dreamless sleep.

“What was the name of that song?” Nico’s voice was quiet.

“Paris Match.”

“That’s on the playlist with that NYC Jazz quartet Korean singer you’ve been listening to, what was her name?”

“Naski Young Cho.”

“Her style works for you?”

Nico wasn’t going to ask about the lyrics. General music questions were safe. Maki yawned, starting to relax. “She’s all right. Had to get used to her voice a little.”

“Did you have to get used to Nico’s?”

“No.”

A hand was suddenly gentle on Maki’s shoulder and Nico’s voice was stripped of all affectation, caring, honest, “You’re not wasting your time with music, Maki.”

Maki’s shrug was the smallest of gestures, but Nico’s hand squeezed gently in response. Another yawn.

“C’mon, Chopin, let’s get you to bed.”

“Satie.”

“The weird French guy? Okay, Ms. Surreal, tell Nico your melting clock dreams over breakfast.”

Not if they were anything like the last ones she remembered, Nico in a costume stolen from Cabaret or Chicago. Should anyone think about fishnets that fondly? Maki let Nico push her toward the stairs. When had she last actually slept for longer than a couple of hours? Maybe, giving in to the weariness closing her eyes, would reset her mood. A mood reset, to one less incendiary, was essential.

###

Maki was eating cereal, watching SheRa, and not thinking about Nico or anything. Chewing. Just chewing. She’d been ignoring Rin and parent texts all morning. Nico would probably be leaving soon and then it would be time for Maki to take that step. But right now, this was a pocket of time when she was living in a space where Nico’s voice could be heard and she was going to treasure every minute of that. Netossa...Maki grinned as the character teased and challenged her wife.

“Hey Maki!” Nico fell over the back of the couch, a controlled trajectory, startling Maki and causing her cereal bowl to spill onto the table. Nico dropped her head on Maki’s shoulders, eyes mischievous, “This is too much fun.”

Maki stood up, but Nico pulled her back down, leaning forward with a dish towel, “Nico came prepared.”

“Um...we shouldn’t be…” Maki started.

“Nico is fine. And chock full of antibodies so Maki couldn’t give it to me if you tried.”

“No one knows how it works, Nico.” Maki slid further down the cushion.

“No, but that’s a pretty good guess. Nico did research, talked to her doctor.”

“Papa told you…”

“Well, I didn’t ask your father if it was okay if I made his daughter jump off the couch, squealing, no, but we went over the basics.”

“Oh.”

Silence and then Nico sounding nervous, “Nico’s going to go back to her apartment tomorrow. If you come over, Nico will cook dinner and we can duet.”

Maki didn’t know what to say. Nico was leaving. No more nights like last night. Maki alone again. Nico off with her friends, her family, doing all the thousand things, without Maki, that Nico had done before this quarantine.

“Maki? Did you hear me?” Nico poked Maki’s shoulder, her expression comic hurt.

Maki shook her head, forcing herself to look more thoughtful than morose. “I can’t just put the piano in my pocket.”

“Eli has a keyboard we can borrow. Since dancing didn’t work out last night, we’ll try it when we’re all in one location.”

Maki fidgeted. “I’m not comfortable with…”

“Eli’s been careful. Nico has windows.”

Maki shut off the screen. “There’s so many variables. And no way to know if anyone’s been exposed.” Maki rubbed her forehead. “This was the easiest part, wasn’t it.”

Turns out Nico had a not smiley tone. “Not for Nico.”

“Sorry. I guess it got pretty rough”

“It was. Don’t catch it.”

“You seem so much better. I’m glad. ” Maki smiled, reaching for her bowl, put the dish towel in it, “I’m going to make coffee. Want some?”

“Sounds good. And then we have to decide on tonight’s songs.”

“I’m tired of themes.” Maki announced as she left the room.

“Well, then talk to your cute, pushy friend who texts Nico 100 times a day about them.”

“I think I lost her number.”

Nico snorted and hurried Maki down the hall.

“Are we moving Café Quarantine to Brazil” Nico sounded exasperated. “If you really want to play this “Desafinado” tune, Nico’s choice doesn’t really go. What’s the title mean?”

“Out of tune.” Maki completely concentrated on her piano, hoping Nico’s questions would end there. She didn’t really want a discussion of lyrics.

“Nico is not out of tune.”

“That’s not what…” Maki played several chords, “Anyway, I’m going to play the instrumental, you don’t have to worry about it.”

“But Nico wants to keep the mood,” Nico was flopped on her stomach on the couch, staring at Maki, “It’s a good mood. Nico likes it, but Nico knows Brazilian coffee not this…why are you in this mood?”

“Samba smooth...it makes me smile.” Maki stopped playing, staring at Nico. ”Might work really well for you too, the melody’s playful, simple, I’d be doing most of the work…”

“The accompanist underestimates the amount of personality Nico adds.”

Trust me I don’t, Maki thought, but she rolled her eyes at Nico

“There’s a few more I’ve been practicing...I could print out lyrics for you…” Maki paused, “It would be a challenge to learn it before tonight.”

“Not for Nico.”

Maki chuckled, “Give me 5 minutes.”

Nico flipped, laying on her back, “Then you’ll have to keep up with Nico. You’re used to Not Well Nico. Full speed Nico is going to knock you out.”

Maki could only hope for a soft landing.

###

Maki had played “Desafinado”, with Nico fidgeting and gleaming like she was up to something. As soon as Maki was finished, Nico was in front of the camera, applauding madly.

“Maki’s just the best, right. Nico’s been so lucky to have in house music like this while she was healing. Nico’s been spoiled.”

Maki watched suspiciously as Nico continued to bounce. They were supposed to go right into the duet but Maki got the feeling improvisation was about to happen.

“Mak’s obviously been missing coffee and Nico so she’s been playing all these bossa nova songs for her beautiful boss”

Maki snorted.

“But Nico’s about to head home,” Nico paused, “Don’t worry Café Quarantine will continue, Nico would miss it too much, and Nico doesn’t want anyone coughing like…” Nico’s energy dipped for a moment, then Nico recovered, “But we’re all going to take care of each other and be fine, Nico insists.”

“Can I start playing?” Maki drawled.

Nico turned and GLARED, “Nico is giving a pep talk.”

Eye roll.

“Maki’s nicer than she pretends.” Nico announced to the camera, “but you’ve been watching her play, you know that.”

“Nico.”

“Since our piano genius has been in a Rio mood, Nico recorded Maki playing this song and will now add words.”

The intro to "Quiet Nights of Quiet Stars" began and Nico sang with a gentle longing that surprised Maki, who would have loudly disagreed that Nico knew anything about quiet anything.

Quiet nights of quiet stars Quiet chords from my guitar Floating on the silence that surrounds us

Quiet thoughts and quiet dreams Quiet walks by quiet streams…

### Maki wanted to just sit and inhale the mood in the room after the last note, the quiet, calm, the connection, but of course, it didn’t last for long. “And now we have one more song for tonight.” With a wink and her soon to be patented not quite devil horns gesture, Nico tossed the audience back to Maki, which caused Maki to fumble for a minute. She’d been sitting, caught up in this rare glimpse of reserved Nico.

But now she had to focus, roll her shoulders down, dash into the first verse Someone to hold me tight That would be very nice Someone to love me right That would be very nice Someone to understand Each little dream in me Someone to take my hand And be a team with me

And then Nico joined in. So nice, life would be so nice If one day I'd find Someone who would take my hand And samba through life with me

And Maki dropped out, the rhythm making her think that perhaps she should be dancing with Nico rather than the piano. This song seemed to cry out for more responsiveness than resonance. Someone to cling to me Stay with me right or wrong Someone to sing to me Some little samba song Someone to take my heart And give her heart to me Someone who's ready to Give love a start with me Oh yeah, that would be so nice I could see you and me, that would be nice

What the hell Maki thought, stood up and offered her hand to Nico. So nice, life would be so nice If one day I'd find Someone who would take my hand And samba through life with me

Nico was a sure, steady dancer, obviously hearing the song in her head as she and Maki stepped quickly around the music room, laughing. Nico slowed down when they passed in front of the camera.

“I think we’re sambaing down to Rio. Good night!”And Nico stopped recording without really interrupting the flow of their dance.

“It’s too bad you didn’t listen to Nico’s ‘wear a bikini for the full Brazilian effect’ suggestion.” Nico smirked.

Maki started to stiffen, but just kept moving to the music in her head. She didn’t really need to answer Nico, did she?

“So can we start the ‘Kiss’ theme week tomorrow?” Nico had pulled Maki closer. “Both your pushy friends keep telling me it’s the only thing to do next.”

“Are they?”

Nico nodded.

“They are pushy.”

“But cute. And Nico doesn’t really mind.” A hesitation, Nico was glowing, Maki suddenly wanted a room full of candles and a pianist sensitive to the mood ready to slide easily into the next song. It was so easy with music, to build the mood, to know the next note, the next step, the next song. “Do you?”

Had Maki dropped out of the conversation again. “Do I what?”

“Mind if it’s Kiss?”

“You don’t mean the band, right? Hanayo’s a little too fond of metal for me. But Rin just headbangs along.”

Nico stopped. “You’re terrible at mood. How do you play the piano so well?”

Maki shrugged.

Nico almost threw up her arms, but Maki caught them and pulled Nico closer, “I don’t mind.”

No candles, no music, no warning, but Maki suddenly knew what was next. And Nico was just close enough, just looking up enough, deep banked embers glowing in her eyes just inviting enough. Maki blanked, and then Nico was a blurry warmth, close enough that Maki could feel the smoothness of a cheek, and Maki was going in for a second kiss before she even noticed the first.

A/N: There will be a brief epilogue.

And @auyeahaugust is almost finished. Thanks again for the inspiration. And now to get back to my fics in progress.

#NicoMaki #Nishikino Maki #Yazawa Nico #Cafe Quarantine #RinPana #Au Yeah August #Love Live #Quarantine #Jazz #Bozza Nova #Jobim

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viridescent-lament · 4 years

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ive reached to immovable objects.... for now i will try to find a better theme for my main instead

other people have acutal Problems so i would prefer if no one waste their time reading thisbut i need to say this somewhere and i havent and hope to never make a second vent blog so! bleh. this whole thing is not going to be formatted purely because it is not meant for anybody i just Need to Type. i was so happy about my research ! it was fun! but i have to go back through everything and keep trackk of how many peaople and how many gave multiple alignments and i cant, i tried but my memory is so bad i cant remember if i wrote htoiings doen for each blog so im tired i dont wsant to go through everything but i did want to make this reasearch but i dont even kno wwhat it is research for!! what conclusion format will my data be!! i cant do that anf maybe no one will care that i abandonded i because i doubt anynone lookks into whether some random tumblr user sactually went through with a thing for a rb game but!! my friends have helped so much and i was only okay with bothering them if it was going to lead somewheere but afte everything, after my friend with a canon blog boosted it i still wasnt able o finish it and its not a big deal i douub t theyll care or remember but its bugging me i font want to give up but if meaie kondo saw this it would be ‘does this spark joy’ and id say ‘no but throwing it out does onot spark joy either’ and i dont know what im talking about !!! if that were the only hting it would be fine but i was so excited to make a post about my drawing process and my friend was so kind to send an ask after i practically begged again im always bugging people for silly things i should just send myself asks if i weant them anf not rely on bothering others and logically i know they dont care theyd probably say something lke ‘ if you dont want to, dont force yousrelf! art blovck sucks sometimes and ideas become less appealing’ but in a fdifferent phrasing and tone that i cant predict and i kno wthats true but i cant make myself stop i need to fo it but its lost interest and i want to make ne things and use new ideas but i cant i cant abandon this idea my friend helped and asked for and even if i could i want to improve art first i had this hwole things i was going to spend a wek pre various fundamentals but i did one two page capturing energy and it isnt good i cant i dont know how to fic thid am i just supposed t o stumble on the solution i cant i d ont understand i dont know how ive barely ooked up at the comupter im not sure if theres been a sentance break this isnt for anybody to read so it doesnt matter but the thought of noone helping is bad!! its bad i dont think i can shake these thoughts without someone with a dufferent pov easing my mind i cant jsut rely only on others people have actual issues these are all so trivial but i cant shake them and i know its weid anf gross ijfand patheric to even type these out but i dont know i dont know im cant think aof a solution and i cant bother anyone im staring at my hands while typing and gioing :/ at myself id say its pathetic but its not even that ifj

okay thatd enough now

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lukeskywaker4ever · 4 years

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Phillipa of Lancaster: Queen of Portugal

Philippa of Lancaster did not marry until she was twenty-six years old, quite late for a princess of her rank. Her father, John of Gaunt, arranged a splendid marriage for her in conjunction with an alliance with King Joao I of Portugal. Philippa and King Joao had a large, well-educated and accomplished family that came to be known as the “illustrious generation”.

Philippa was born on March 31, 1360 at Leicester Castle, the first child of her parents. Her father was John of Gaunt, one of the many sons born to King Edward III of England and his revered Queen, Philippa of Hainault. Princess Philippa was named after her grandmother. Philippa’s mother was Blanche, the daughter of Henry of Grosmont, Earl of Derby who distinguished himself at the naval Battle of Winchelsea in 1350 by saving John of Gaunt and his brother the Black Prince as their ship was sinking. Edward III awarded him by giving him the title of Duke of Lancaster. When Henry of Grosmont died of the plague ten days after receiving his title, Blanche inherited his wealth and John of Gaunt became the Duke of Lancaster.

Many of Grosmont’s castles went to Philippa’s parents. She was to spend a great deal of time at the Savoy Palace on the Thames in London as well as the castles of Hertford, Tutbury, Kenilworth and Bolingbroke. She had her own nurse named Maud. When she was three and a half, a sister named Elizabeth arrived. When Philippa was six years old, Geoffrey Chaucer married one of the Queen’s ladies, Philippa de Roet and began to work in the Lancaster household. Philippa de Roet had a sister named Katherine who also worked for the Queen. Katherine was to marry Sir Hugh Swynford and would come to have an immense influence on the life of Philippa of Lancaster. When Philippa was seven, her brother Henry was born.

John of Gaunt had gone to Spain to fight. While he was gone, the Black Death swept England. Blanche of Lancaster moved her children and household to Bolingbroke Castle in Lincolnshire in hopes of avoiding the disease. Unfortunately, Blanche succumbed to the Black Death on September 12, 1369. On the day she died, Katherine Swynford was there to visit Blanche. Katherine immediately took charge of Blanche’s three children. John of Gaunt returned to England in November. He had Blanche’s body transported to London and she was buried in St. Paul’s Cathedral.

Before she died, Blanche herself had begun to teach her daughters to read and write. Geoffrey Chaucer began to improve on these lessons. Chaucer had a deep interest in science, astrology and navigation. He even wrote a treatise on the astrolabe and taught Philippa how to use it. He also wrote an elegiac poem honoring Philippa’s mother. In addition to the teachings of Chaucer, she was taught poetry by Jean Froissart and philosophy and theology under John Wycliffe.

By 1371, Katherine Swynford had become the mistress of John of Gaunt. She was officially appointed governess to Philippa and her sister that same year. As governess, Katherine would have been responsible for teaching the girls courtly accomplishments and the ability to administer their own households. She probably taught them dancing, singing, conversation, good carriage and games. Many offers for marriage were considered for Philippa but nothing ever came of them.

John of Gaunt was acutely aware he would never inherit the crown of England so he sought a crown of his own. He contracted a marriage with the Infanta Costanza, the rightful heiress of the crown of Castile in September of 1371. From the day of his marriage he and Costanza were called the “King and Queen of Castile”. Within a year, Costanza had a daughter named Cataline.

In June of 1376, the Black Prince, heir to the throne died and in June of 1377, King Edward III died. The Black Prince’s son Richard became king at the age of ten. The Lancaster family was present at the coronation on July 16th. John of Gaunt was to take a large role in the government of the young king. That same summer, Philippa, her sister Elizabeth and her stepmother were all elected to the Order of the Garter and took part in the induction ceremony.

In 1381, the reign of Richard II was not going well and the people rose up against the government, with John of Gaunt being the object of their anger. An irate mob burned down his magnificent Savoy Palace in London. It was after this that John of Gaunt broke off relations with his mistress Katherine Swynford. Philippa lost her governess and significant change began in her life. She became closer to her stepmother and stepsister Cataline.

In 1385, the English Parliament approved the sending of an army to Portugal to support King Joao I and to enforce the claims of John of Gaunt to the kingdom of Castile. He took his family to await the arrival of the Portuguese fleet to transport the English army overseas. They sailed in July and arrived in Portugal and King Joao came to meet them. Joao and John admired each other immensely. Discussions ensued on the terms of the armies helping each other to attack Castile. They also discussed a marriage of Joao to one of Gaunt’s daughters. Most of the nobles were promoting Cataline as the wife of King Joao. But Cataline had ties to Portugal’s mortal enemy, Castile. Gaunt left the decision up to Joao to choose between Cataline and Philippa. He chose Philippa.

Philippa said goodbye to her family on November 10, 1386. She had to wait until papal dispensation arrived which it did on February 2, 1387. The marriage ceremony took place at Oporto on February 14th. The marriage was to be successful although Joao had two children from another woman called Inês Pires before he met Phillipa, after he married he was faithful to his wife, even after she died, he never re-married or had any other children, he stayed widower for 18 years until he died on August 14th 1433. He left to fight in Castille and Philippa proceeded to organize her court. She had an impact immediately. She was described as discreet, pious and modest, walking with her eyes lowered and her neck covered. She had a profound sense of duty. Many writers admired her behavior, if not her beauty. She was praised for her fair skin, blonde hair and blue eyes.

As far as possible, Philippa and Joao went everywhere together. They put forth the image of a loving and happy family. They agreed to name their first born child a Portuguese name if it were a boy and an English name if it was a girl and then alternate names, irrespective of sex. Their first child, born in 1388 was named Blanche after Philippa’s mother. They are recorded as having a total of eight children of which six survived childhood. These were the “illustrious generation”.

Edward Duarte was born in 1391. He was a writer and intellectual who succeeded his father as King. Peter was born in 1392. He was the first Duke of Coimbra and a well-traveled man who served as Regent during the minority of his nephew Afonso V. Henry the Navigator was born in 1394. He became the first Duke of Viseu and guided Portugal through the great era of The Discoveries. Isabella was born in 1397. She married Philip III, Duke of Burgundy and was one of the most powerful and admired women in Europe. John was born in 1400 and became the Constable of Portugal. The final child, Ferdinand, was born in 1402. He was known as the “Saint Prince” and died as a prisoner of the Moors.

Philippa supervised the education of all her children and Joao taught them riding, hunting, hawking and the art of the tiltyard. Philippa made an effort to be a friend to the common people and no part of the kingdom was too small for her to visit. Joao relied on her to administer his kingdom when he was away. In 1396, John of Gaunt finally married Katherine Swynford and their children were legitimized. In February of 1399, John of Gaunt died and Philippa traveled to England for the funeral. In September of that same year, Philippa’s brother deposed King Richard II and became King Henry IV. In August of 1400, King Joao was elected to the Order of the Garter, probably as a reward for being one of the first to recognize Henry as King of England.

The middle years of Joao’s reign were years of consolidation and growing prosperity for Portugal. In 1409, Philippa and Joao visited England. Peace was concluded with Castile in 1411. Philippa began to encourage her husband to act against the Moors. Joao was inspired to attack the fortified town of Ceuta, across from Gibraltar on the African continent. He discussed it with his sons and they all agreed to the expedition.

Ships were being readied to carry the troops in the hot summer of 1415 when plague broke out in Lisbon and Oporto. Philippa had succumbed to the disease. Joao had Philippa moved to the convent of Odivelas, high in the hills to the north of Lisbon in hopes she might recover. Philippa had three jeweled swords made. Her most cherished wish was for her husband to knight her three elder sons in her presence. She soon realized this wouldn’t happen. She made Joao promise he would knight them and presented the swords to her sons herself. She blessed them all. She called Isabel to her side. Isabel kissed her mother’s hands and received her blessing. The King arrived and sat by her side. On July 18, 1415, Philippa died at the age of 55. She was the first and only English Queen of Portugal.

Because of the extreme heat, the children advised that Philippa be buried immediately and secretly. She was temporarily buried in the convent of Odivelas and a funeral was held the next day. The whole Portuguese nation mourned their Queen. Joao and his sons sailed to Ceuta and easily conquered the town.

#philippa of lancaster #queen of portugal #king john i of portugal

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whitewolfofwinterfell · 5 years

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Angel and Cordelia (Cangel) - an in-depth analysis of their relationship

Angel and Cordelia are a ship I never expected to ship before watching Angel, but since finishing the show around November, I’ve fallen in love with them (and the show generally) and wanted to compile a post where I could express all my thoughts and feelings about them. This meta will be very in-depth and is divided into 9 sections:

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract - Will explore Angel and Cordelia’s personalities and the ways in which these two unlikely characters came together and brought out new and wonderful sides to each other.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose - Discusses the way in which Angel and Cordelia found purpose in their lives through meeting and the creation of Angel Investigations.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family - Insight into how Angel and Cordelia created a family and home with each other that provided them with a sense of belonging (perhaps for the first time in their lives).

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love - Looks at Angel and Cordelia’s friendship and how that was at the core of their relationship throughout the series.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection - Uncovers the profound emotional connection Angel and Cordelia established with each other.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it - Reflects on the common ‘Everyone can see it’ trope and how that was important to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love - An exploration of when and how Angel and Cordy’s romantic feelings for each other developed.

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity - Analyses the writing in seasons 4 and 5, and the ways in which Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was hugely disadvantaged by the writing.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow - Unpicks some of the common misconceptions I’ve seen about Angel and Cordy’s relationship and the how comparisons made between their relationship and Buffy and Angel’s is unfair and does a disservice to both couples.

As you can see, section 9 does discuss Buffy and Angel, because I really couldn’t discuss Angel and Cordelia without also talking about Angel’s relationship with Buffy since she was so significant to Angel. It won’t be anti-Buffy/Angel (because I’m a huge Bangel shipper, as anyone that follows me will know), but I just wanted to give a warning for those that are a big fan of the ship as you might not want to read. However, the primary focus throughout will be on Angel and Cordelia’s relationship on ATS (I don’t really give much focus to BTVS since their interactions were so brief and lacking).

Before we get into it, I wanted to say this post is long, (coming in at around 9k words, whew! I had more to say than I realised), so if you’re interested in reading you might want to grab a drink or a snack and make yourself comfortable.

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract

What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that it’s between two unlikely characters who, on the surface are polar opposites, but that compliment each other beautifully. Cordelia was specifically chosen to be a regular on ATS because she was the opposite to Angel - Whedon stated that Cordelia’s bright smile was needed to counteract Angel’s broody persona (x). The fundamental differences in Angel and Cordelia’s personalities meant that together they brought out different sides to each other. Angel was known for being reserved, contemplative, melancholy, deep and pessimistic, whilst in contrast Cordelia was known for being outgoing, bubbly, outspoken, shallow and optimistic.

Both characters came to ATS season 1 displaying these characteristics which they were well-known for on BTVS, but through meeting each other, they changed. Angel smiled more with Cordelia than arguably any other character in the Buffyverse (x) (x) (x) (x). Her infectious personality, witty sense of humour and straight-talking attitude coaxed him out of his shell. Also, because he was more submissive by nature, Angel responded to Cordelia’s assertiveness - she wasn’t afraid to take charge, call him out on things, make demands of him and ensure he stayed on the right path. She was the one that took charge of the business, launching Angel Investigations from practically nothing; she persuaded Angel that he should pay Gunn for working with them; she didn’t easily relent after he fired her, Wesley and Gunn; she told him he needed to set boundaries with Fred when she had a crush on Angel to prevent Fred from getting hurt; she held him accountable for getting Darla pregnant in season 3; she consistently encouraged him to fight for Connor no matter how hopeless or difficult it became and even in her brief return in season 5 she continued with this pattern. She straight up told Angel that he’d lost his way, lost sight of their mantra to help the helpless and had become entangled in the messiness of W&H. In doing so, she set Angel back on the right path. It’s strange because generally people view Angel as having more positive traits than Cordelia, but despite his good intentions, he was more prone to giving up and wallowing than Cordelia. Angel was more malleable, more willing to accept the bad in the world whilst Cordelia, on the other hand, persevered no matter what obstacles came her way and was firm in her morals. She knew what she believed to be good and she didn’t stray from that no matter what. That clear-cut attitude really helped Angel, who being a vampire and having seen so much evil, often become lost in the blurriness between good and evil, and became disheartened about fighting the good fight on numerous ocassions. Cordelia was truly Angel’s centre of gravity and moral compass - she was the one he relied on most in his redemptive journey and helping the helpless. That’s why throughout the series there was such a heavy emphasis on Angel needing Cordy (x) and why he proclaimed to be lost without her. Angel needing Cordelia was also demonstrative of a deeper emotional connection between them, which I’ll discuss later on.

Whilst Angel and Cordelia’s differences helped/changed Angel, they did the same for Cordy. Cordelia as a person was very focused on superficial gratification. She sought popularity and status, and she enjoyed money and material objects because of the pleasure they brought her. Her desire to become an actress reflects those desires she had. Although Cordelia demonstrated on BTVS that she was much more than the stereotypical popular-shallow girl she was portrayed to be (x), she wasn’t inclined to be considerate of others and empathy didn’t come naturally to her. In comparison, Angel spent a majority of his time thinking of others and had a wealth of empathy, for everybody regardless of whether they were those he loved or strangers; good or bad. There’s no doubt that the visions were a large part of what enabled Cordelia to be more empathetic since she was quite literally experiencing the traumas of others, but being close to Angel also impacted this. Until Cordelia became friends with Angel (and Doyle, Wes and Gunn), she’d never really been prioritised or cared for unconditionally. Angel’s kindness, consideration and support enabled Cordelia to open up emotionally in a way she never had before, not just to those closest to her, but to everybody. Ironically, a vampire (albeit a vampire with a soul) was the deepest insight Cordelia had gained into humanity. Angel devoted himself to helping others and Cordelia witnessed first-hand the positive impact that had on others and the rewards it brought. Whilst she fought against evil alongside the Scoobies on BTVS, it was being part of Angel Investigations that truly showed her the true meaning of fighting. It gave her purpose and belonging, which in turn allowed her to blossom in an entirely new way.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose

Despite being different in many ways, Angel and Cordelia had one main thing in common - they were both seeking purpose, meaning and belonging in their lives at the start of ATS - and they found that with each other.

On BTVS Angel went through a traumatic ordeal with losing his soul, being killed by the woman he loved, being trapped in a hell dimension, coming back to life and then having to break up with Buffy. After Angel was cursed and his soul was restored, he retreated into the shadows and lived like a hermit for a century. He no longer belonged in the vampire or the human world, and he was so consumed with the guilt about his actions as Angelus that he was paralysed. He lived a lonely and purposeless existence - until the moment he saw Buffy. Buffy symbolised hope for Angel, because she was destined to fight evil and helping her provided him with a purpose for the first time in decades and I strongly believe that this (amongst other reasons) is why he fell in love with her. So when he split up with her and left for L.A. he lost his purpose along with Buffy. It’s clear that Angel’s time with Buffy and the Scoobies had been so significant to him that he couldn’t return to the life he had before he met Buffy, he needed to continue helping people, but he didn’t know how. Meeting Doyle immediately provided him with a sense of purpose by providing him with a connection to the HP, but as I already mentioned above, Cordelia really cemented that. Although Doyle knew he and Angel had a mission that they needed to work on together, he didn’t know how to make that a reality. Cordelia’s practicality, pragmatism and organisation is what took an idea - helping the helpless - and made it a reality - Angel Investigations. Like I said, Angel knew he wanted to help others but he didn’t really have a plan. When Angel Investigations was born, it became so much more than simply helping the odd person in distress after having stumbled upon them by chance. It became an indefinite commitment and mission which provided Angel with a true purpose - a purpose he realised was the singular most important thing to him in ‘Epiphany’ (2x16).

Cordelia was also in a similar place to Angel when she arrived in L.A. at the start of ATS. During her time on BTVS Cordelia’s character was built upon her status in high-school - she was pretty, rich and popular. Although she wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in (such as defending Xander against her HS friends), she generally sought the approval of others. In HS Cordelia felt that she was somebody and that really came from her popularity and status. However, she admitted that that popularity came with a downside and that she was in fact, very lonely as a result of it (x). Cordelia’s experience in her relationship with Xander only fuelled that loneliness she felt because she isolated herself from her friends to be with him, and when he cheated on her, her ‘friendships’ with the rest of the Scoobies were revealed to be superficial in nature and quickly broke down. By the time she came to ATS, she had left high school and therefore was without her boyfriend (Xander), friends and the status that HS afforded her. This explains why she was on a mission to become a famous actress - to reclaim that status that she’d lost but on an even grander scale. The problem with this is that regardless of how shallow Cordy may have appeared, she clearly craved more than just popularity, fame or money. She’d already had that but it hadn’t fulfilled her. Enter Angel. Cordelia saw that Angel (and Doyle) needed guidance and that she could bring something important to the table. When she joined Angel and Doyle and set up Angel Investigations, she found her purpose just like Angel did. Initially, Cordelia’s desire to stick with Angel may have been because she didn’t have any other particularly appealing options, but it became so much more than that and by the end of season 1 Cordelia was wholly devoted to helping the helpless (x). In ‘Disharmony’ (2x17) she told Harmony that despite the popularity she had at HS, she was happier than she’d ever been because of the work she was doing, and having that sense of purpose came from meeting Angel. ‘Birthday’ (3x11) further reaffirmed this, when Cordelia chose being with Angel and helping the helpless over her dream of being a famous actress.

The creation of Angel Investigations (not just the business but also the family) wouldn’t have happened if Angel and Cordelia hadn’t of come together in the way they did. From the beginning, they were the heart of everything it was and when Angel lost Cordy in season 5, he admitted that he lost his way and was lost without her (again, this beckons back to Cordy being Angel’s centre of gravity). Poetically, Cordelia kissing Angel in ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11) and passing on the vision to him quite literally set Angel (and co.) on the path to their final battle and brought purpose back into his life. But in addition to bringing purpose to each other’s lives through their shared mission of helping the helpless, they brought something else, perhaps more significant - belonging and family.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family

Although Angel and Cordelia had bonds with others prior to ATS - Angel had relationships with Darla, Dru, Spike, Buffy; Cordelia with Harmony, Xander and the Scoobies - they never had with anyone else what they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) (x). In season 1 Cordelia referred to Angel as being her family and Angel reiterated that later in the series. The unconditional support, acceptance and care Angel and Cordelia had towards one other was unlike anything they’d had in any of their previous relationships (particularly for Cordelia).

Angel prioritised Cordelia, he devoted himself to keeping her safe (x) (x), he was always concerned for her well-being and he took the time to get to know her as a person. He didn’t like Cordy because of her status or popularity, he liked her for her and he expressed that numerous times - he told her he liked both versions of her (old and new), that she was an extraordinary woman and that he’d never known anybody like her (x) (x). Likewise, Cordelia accepted Angel - warts and all - without white washing his past or being ignorant to his darkness. She knew Angelus had done terrible things, and that Angel wasn’t immune from making mistakes and she held him accountable for that. But she also encouraged Angel to be open with her about that side of himself, telling him to drink blood in front of her and reassuring him that she and Doyle wouldn’t judge his vamp face (x). Cordelia came face to face with Angelus multiple times and she knew that even with a soul Angel had the capacity for darkness, but she still saw the good in him and believed it out-weighed the bad. She was never under any false illusions that Angel was perfect and that’s why she was firm in her promise that if needs be she would stake Angelus without hesitation.

It’s really that unconditional support and acceptance that led them to consider each other family. What’s most significant about this is that neither of them really had that before ATS. Angel (Liam) grew up in a volatile family situation with an abusive father and Cordelia’s family was so insignificant in her life that we only had a few references to them throughout the course of BTVS and ATS and not a single appearance from them. Neither of them really had a true home or family until they found each other. The friendship they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) truly was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to either of them and provided them with a true home for the first time in their lives. In fact, in season 4 Angel explicitly said when Cordelia was missing “We’ll do whatever it takes to bring her home, where she belongs”, which perfectly sums up the title for this section about belonging and family. The bond they forged was one of the first they established with another that felt completely secure and contented (which is also why Cordelia reacted so negatively to him abandoning her, Wes and Gunn in season 2 over Darla), because at it’s core it was a friendship built upon familial love, which in my opinion, is the strongest and most enduring love there is.

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love

The most common argument I’ve seen against Angel and Cordelia as a romantic ship is, “They should’ve just stayed friends, they were better that way”. My issue with this is that Angel and Cordelia didn’t just fulfil one or the other - friendship or romance - they fulfilled both and so much more (x). What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that they morphed from acquaintances, to coworkers, to confidantes, to friends, to family, to lovers and were often some (or all) of these things to each other at once. Their feelings for each other cannot be boxed in, because they encompass so much, but there is no disputing that they loved each other.

Angel and Cordy had a profound connection spanning across the entirety of ATS, that no amount of words I type can quite express. They were a constant presence in each others’ lives for years, they were by each others’ sides through some of the most significant events of their lives and they shared it all - the highs and lows, the good and bad. Even when their romantic feelings came into fruition, their friendship remained unchanged. Nothing could change that fundamental dynamic between them or the ease with which they communicated and bounced off of one another. Any scene between Angel and Cordy has a natural chemistry (the nature of that chemistry is up to interpretation), and even when Angel was a awkward, bumbling and flustered fool, their interactions never felt strained or uncomfortable. This is because they knew each other so well and were so attuned to each other, but also because their relationship was already so well established by the time they realised they had romantic feelings for each other that there was no danger of those feelings complicating or endangering that friendship. It’s why in ‘Spin the Bottle’ (4x06) Angel told Cordelia that she was his dearest friend and he wanted that back. He was able to push aside his romantic feelings and desires because her friendship was more important to him than anything else.

Some may claim it’s weird for two people who referred to each other as family to be in love with each other, but when you’re in love with someone they are your family. The fact that Angel and Cordelia had that kind of connection provided them with the closeness, comfortableness, familiarity and security for those romantic feelings to blossom. Angel, in particular, had an aversion to romance because of The Curse and his experience with Buffy, but he felt so safe with Cordelia that it’s almost like he allowed himself to feel that way about him. Likewise, Cordelia was rather guarded in matters of the heart given her romantic history with Xander, but she felt so safe with Angel that she was able to finally open herself up in that way without even really realising she was. That profound connection between them can’t really be quantified, but can be seen in their actions.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection

When I say that it would do them a disservice to try and box Angel and Cordelia’s relationship into the platonic or romantic arena, that’s because of the emotional connection they shared which extends beyond such labels.

According to Wiki, ‘Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when trust levels and communication between two people are such that it fosters the mutual sharing of one another's deepest selves.’ It involves trust, mutual trust, sense of community, understanding, open communication and sharing a duty. As you read this I’m sure you’re realising that Angel and Cordelia had all of this. They lived in close proximity day after day for years - they worked together, they fought together, they laughed together, they loved the same people (Doyle, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor), they grieved together (for Doyle and Connor), they shared the same beliefs and morals and they were united in the same mission to help the helpless. All of this led to them developing a profound emotional connection whereby they came to rely on each other and trust each other, and were able to open up to each other without fear of judgement or rejection (x). Throughout the series Angel and Cordy had multiple heart to hearts in which they confided in each other, encouraged or reassured each other and those talks became more regular as their connection grew. Something as simple as Angel calling Cordelia ‘Cordy’ (which he didn’t do until ATS ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?’ 2x02) demonstrated that developing connection between them.

Again, it would be futile for me to list every example of when Angel and Cordelia had a scene that showed this emotional connection (particularly since you’ll have seen them all if you’ve watched the show), but off the top of my head some key examples would be - Cordelia helped Angel open up about Doyle’s death after Angel accidentally called Wesley Doyle; Cordelia helped Angel to open up about Buffy’s death after he’d spent 3 months trying to come to terms with it; when Cordelia fell ill from a vision Angel reassured her that her value to him wasn’t invested solely in her visions; generally Angel supported Cordelia repeatedly through the trauma of her visions; after Connor was born Angel developed an overly-protective paternal instinct and wouldn’t let anybody hold him, and Cordelia was the first he allowed to hold him; after Connor’s kidnapping Cordelia was able to simply sit with him in the silence and provide the emotional support no one else could and when Angel was insecure about bonding with Connor (after his return) she reassured him he was a capable and loving father.

Nothing showed the depth of that emotional connection more than the beginning of season 4 when Angel was at the bottom of the ocean. In order to hold on to his sanity, Angel repeatedly dreamt of Cordelia in various romantic scenarios and admitted to Wes and Gunn when he returned that the one thing that had kept him holding on was the thought of returning home to Cordelia. Cordy and his love for her was the tether to his humanity, his hope when everything was hopeless, his light in the dark.

I could continue exploring this because their emotional connection is demonstrated in nearly every scene they have together, but the point has been made that Angel and Cordelia consistently opened up to one another and were by each other’s sides through the hardest of times. Although they both had the rest of Angel Investigations (Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne), they primarily turned to each other in their time or need or when they were feeling low. They instinctively knew what to do/say to ease each other’s insecurities, fears or anxieties and were each other’s source of emotional strength. What’s even more significant about this is that their connection was so profound, that even those around them noticed it.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it

‘Everyone can see it’ is a popular romantic trope whereby a couple are perfect for each other but don’t realise their feelings for one another, but everyone else around them does. This was an integral part of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship since they found it very difficult, as friends, to make sense of their romantic feelings for each other and to acknowledge those feelings.

The first person to notice the chemistry between Angel and Cordelia was Fred in ‘Offspring’ (3x07). After seeing them sparring Fred spoke about kyrumption (two heroes meeting in battle and recognising their same fate) and moira (the gut physical attraction between two larger-than-life souls). Angel’s feelings for Cordelia had already been present long before then, but Fred’s observations provided him with an opportunity to acknowledge them for the first time and reflect on them.

Lorne being an empath naturally had an insight into Angel’s feelings and in ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) he revealed that he’d read Angel and knew he had feelings for Cordelia. Like Fred, he also spoke of kyrumption and told Angel that the way he was feeling for Cordelia was real. Lorne consistently was attuned to Angel’s feelings for Cordelia and understood that they’d grown beyond friendship. He also actively encouraged Angel to act on them because he believed Cordelia felt the same way about him and he shouldn’t miss the chance to see what they could be.

I watched ‘Waiting in the Wings’ with commentary from Whedon last week and in that he explained that the spell was a way for Angel and Cordelia to act on the feelings they had for each other (that they were only just starting to realise) in a way whereby they didn’t actually have to admit that they had those feelings and wanted to act on them (because they were afraid of the consequences). Fred and Lorne’s observations are very much the same - they’re a conduit through which Angel was able to internally explore his growing romantic feelings for Cordy and slowly come to the realisation that he was in love with her.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love

Although I’ve been primarily focused on the general connection between Angel and Cordelia and what they brought to each other’s lives, there was definitely romantic love and attraction between the two of them and it’s important to discuss that.

I think when people compare Angel and Cordy’s relationship to Angel’s relationship with Buffy people feel Angel’s love for Cordelia wasn’t romantic or passionate, but it was, it’s just that the love he had for Cordy and their relationship was so fundamentally different from his relationship with Buffy that the two can’t really be compared. Buffy was Angel’s epic, great love - it consumed him from the inside out, it was intense, passionate and devastating - but Cordy was something entirely different. She wasn’t supposed to be some big epic love, she was supposed to be a friend with whom he developed a strong bond with and slowly came to fall in love with over time. Their love wasn’t characterised by angst-ridden scenes, grand speeches of forbidden love and sexual tension - it was grounded in family, friendship and emotional connection (as I’ve explored above). Their feelings for each other weren’t sudden and didn’t start out big (they truly were just acquaintances at the start of ATS season 1), but as they spent time together, shared experiences and got to know each other, their romantic feelings quietly grew in the background until neither of them could ignore it anymore.

It’s frustrating that we never got a clear admission of love between the two (all of their love confessions were to other people or cut off before they finished), but there is no doubt in my mind that Angel and Cordelia were in love. Their actions proved that and from a personal perspective, I could feel the love between them. Everyone will have different interpretations of when they believe the pair fell in love, but interestingly, I don’t think there’s supposed to be ‘one moment’ that they fell in love, because the whole point of their relationship is that it was never that clear cut. They didn’t go to bed one night as best friends and wake up the next day a think, “I’m in love with Angel/Cordelia!”. It was a subtle evolution of feelings over time, which neither of them truly noticed until it was brought to their attention by others, because they were so used to being friends and navigating within the realms of that, that they didn’t consider the possibility that their feelings could have gone beyond that.

Since ATS was primarily focused on Angel’s POV, it’s very easy to follow Angel’s evolving feelings for Cordelia and attempt to pin-point the moment at which his romantic feelings came to fruition. Like I said, I don’t think there was one particular moment where Angel realised his feelings for Cordelia, but in my opinion, they had definitley developed by ‘Dead End’ (2x18). At the beginning of season 2, Angel had a crisis due to Darla’s return and he fired Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. It was really the darkest we saw Angel get in ATS whilst he had his soul, he truly lost his way for a while and Cordelia was so hurt and angry by his actions that she couldn’t forgive him. When Angel finally realised he’d made a mistake cutting his friends out of his life, he did everything he could to make amends, but he seemed most affected by the loss of Cordelia’s friendship and he was determined to earn her forgiveness. What’s interesting about this is that at this point one could argue that Angel’s friendship with Cordelia wasn’t that profound and it didn’t particularly matter if they made up, because they still could’ve worked together as co-workers (although it might’ve been a little awkward and uncomfortable). But Angel was adamant that he wanted her friendship back and almost the entirety of ‘Epiphany’ (2x16) was focused on Angel’s desire to make amends with Cordy and his devastation when she refused to accept him back. This continued in ‘Disharmony’ (2x17), with him desperately fighting to earn her forgiveness and ending with him winning Cordelia over by buying her clothes, which he was visibly happy about (x). Angel’s reaction at the prospect of losing Cordelia beckons back to ‘To Shanshu to L.A.’ (1x22) when we witnessed for the first time how scared he was to lose her and also suggests that at this point in season 2 his romantic feelings were developing for her. In the following episode ‘Dead End’ (2x18), he was so focused on making Cordelia feel better (and this was likely a continuation of him making it up to her) that he brought her food and his reaction to her saying she loved him was perhaps the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on Angel’s face (x). In ‘Belonging’ (2x19), Angel’s attraction to Cordelia was made clear when he saw her in a bikini and he also expressed anger at the director of the commercial she was filming for treating her like a ‘commodity’ and a ‘slave’, forcing him to apologise to Cordelia for the way he spoke to her and telling Cordelia he would rip his head off if she wanted him to. When Cordelia was sucked into the portal to Pylea in ‘Over the Rainbow’ (2x20), Angel’s profound emotional connection to Cordelia was clear (x) - he just wanted her back, he didn’t care how or what they had to do and he expressed that he couldn’t lose Cordy again after just getting her back (also that one line, ‘It’s Cordy’, that Angel says to Wesley when he tells Angel it’s too dangerous to go through the portal and they may never get back holds so much emotion). When Cordelia admitted to loving Groo in Pylea, Angel mistakenly thought she was saying it to him and was disappointed to learn otherwise. So basically, by the end of season 2 Angel undoubtedly had romantic feelings for Cordelia, but wasn’t yet aware of them. Season 3 continued to build on that by allowing Angel to heal following Buffy’s death and reach a resolution in ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) whereby he could start to process his feelings for Cordy, putting him a situation where he was faced with the prospect of losing her again, therefore cementing the depth of his feelings for her (‘That Vision Thing’ 3x02) and having Fred share her observations about his feelings for her, finally allowing him to fully acknowledge them for the first time.

From Cordelia’s POV it’s much harder to guess when her romantic feelings for Angel developed, because we didn’t get as much insight into her. I do think her feelings for him didn’t come as soon as Angel’s did for her and neither did the realisation that she felt that way. ‘That Vision Thing’ (3x02) hints that Cordelia’s feelings for Angel may have begun to grow beyond friendship when she said, “If I lose the visions I wouldn't be able to help you anymore. You wouldn't need me.” Notice, Cordelia was concerned with Angel needing her, not the rest of the team. Also, since Angel was so devoted to saving Cordelia and explicitly told her she was more important to him than his vendetta against W&H, we can assume this impacted Cordelia’s feelings towards him since this was perhaps the first time she noticed how committed he was to keeping her safe and how much he wanted her in his life. I also think that witnessing Angel go through the process of becoming a father significantly impacted Cordy’s feelings for Angel. Seeing him take on the role of a father showed an even softer, nurturing side of him and the bond Cordy developed with Connor also brought them closer together. However, ‘Birthday’ (3x11) is the first episode that properly affirms the depth of Cordelia’s feelings for Angel. She was given everything she ever wanted - fame, money, stardom - and she gave it all up to return to Angel. Despite having no memory, upon seeing Angel so broken, Cordelia instinctively leaned in and kissed him fulfilling the old fairy-tale trope of true love’s kiss breaking the spell. I think from Cordelia’s POV, she was much more closed off to allowing herself to acknowledge her romantic feelings for Angel because she didn’t even consider Angel a romantic option given The Curse. This also explains why upon Groo’s return in season 3, she resumed her relationship with him despite having clearly developed profound romantic feelings for Angel that led her to prioritise him above Groo repeatedly to the point that Groo himself noticed that she had feelings for Angel.

This brings me back to the main point about Angel and Cordelia’s romantic feelings for each other never being straightforward or easily defined. In ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) it was clear - spell or no spell - that Angel and Cordelia shared a mutual sexual attraction and that Angel’s canonically confirmed romantic feelings for Cordelia were reciprocated. Yet Cordelia didn’t confirm her feelings for him explicitly to the audience until 9 episodes later in the finale of the season. This is for a number of reasons, but primarily because it was easier to continue denying their feelings and remain friends than face the complications that a romance posed. Even if they had been given the chance to openly express their feelings for each other, what would’ve happened next? As Angel said to Lorne in ‘Waiting in the Wings’, what could he offer her (as a cursed vampire)? It would’ve been too complicated and they knew that.

That criss-cross and complexity of their love is part of the reason I love them so much, because it’s authentic and relatable. Particularly in the case of friends who have fallen in love - it’s no easy transition and it’s definitely not easy to make sense of your feelings Plus, Angel and Cordy had the added complications that went with their life (Angel being a vampire, The Curse, Darla, their friends, Angel Investigations, W&H and the supernatural world generally, to name a few). In an interview a long time ago SMG said that the most heartbreaking thing about Buffy and Angel was that it was unfulfilled love, and in this respect so are Angel and Cordelia. It’s heartbreaking because they truly loved one another but they were never even given the opportunity to see what they could potentially be. They missed their chance and because of that they were always left wondering ‘what if?’

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity

The fact that Angel and Cordy never got their shot to be together (which they discussed in ‘You’re Welcome’ 5x11) is the tragedy of their love. However, it wouldn’t be the same love story if it didn’t have that unresolved element to it. Everybody longs for closure and resolution with their ships, but the truth is, in real life few people truly get that, they simply have to move on and live with their regrets. But whilst I love Angel and Cordelia’s relationship and story as it is, there’s no escaping the fact that they were done dirty in seasons 4 and 5 in regards to the writing and as a result their story did go in a...shall we say unfavourable direction?

Everyone that’s ever watched ATS has problems with season 4 (I could write a separate post about the problems with season 4, particularly in regards to Cordelia’s character), and when it comes to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship, there’s a lot that was handled badly which unfortunately, derailed the beautiful development that took place between them in season 3. We still had a lot of key moments that played out between Angel and Cordelia in season 4, but the main problem with the season is that we don’t actually know when Cordelia was actually Cordelia. At what point was she herself, if she ever was? Did she really have amnesia? If so, can we count amnesia!Cordy as still being Cordy to an extent? When did Jasmine start to take over? Did she have any agency at all when she was possessed by Jasmine, even if it was only the briefest of moments? All of these questions remain unanswered and make it very difficult to fully assess the Angel/Cordelia relationship during season 4, but I’m going to try to anyway.

What remained clear throughout season 4 was that Angel loved Cordy. In fact, despite Cordelia technically being absent for the majority of the season, it was very Cangel-heavy, perhaps more than the seasons before it. Angel had multiple dreams/fantasies about Cordelia, devoted himself to finding her when she was missing at the start of the season, was visibly distraught to have her lose her memories and strike up a relationship with Connor, and lost his soul from a fantasy of making love to her. In my opinion, this is the season that really affirmed that Angel was in love with Cordy beyond any doubt. When Angel asked Cordelia if they were in love and she replied, “We were”, I strongly believe that was Cordelia. She’d just gotten her memories back so Jasmine hadn’t had chance to worm her way to the forefront yet, and I believe in that moment that was Cordelia finally breaking through and telling Angel that she loved him. Although the circumstances are ambiguous to say the least, I believe this to be the first admission of love exchanged between the two whereby the words were said plainly (because obviously they said ‘I love you’ to each other repeatedly before this moment in other ways). However, this doesn’t undo the dirty that was done to Angel and Cordelia in this season. Despite the fact that we know Cordelia wasn’t responsible for any of her actions since she was possessed by Jasmine, it’s still very hard when watching her with Connor to separate Jasmine from Cordelia. And from Angel’s perspective, he literally watched the woman he loved have sex with his son. Finding out afterwards that it wasn’t actually Cordelia doesn’t reduce the devastating impact of witnessing that and the way the Cordelia!Jasmine arc was written did taint some aspects of their relationship by forcing Angel to have to witness ‘Cordelia’ enter into a romantic relationship with Connor and have a child with him. Also, it was utterly ridiculous and unbelievable that Angel and co. wouldn’t recognise that Cordy wasn’t herself. This is definitely a writing issue, because the whole possession thing was handled so badly in the respect that Cordelia seemed like herself (even her sleeping with Connor was believable due to her amnesiac state), but it was still not in-keeping with the show that none of her friends (and especially Angel) would notice that Cordelia was possessed. Overall, season 4 did a huge disservice to Angel and Cordelia’s romance (although the biggest disservice was definitely done to Cordelia’s character) and whilst their relationship was beautifully developed in seasons 1-3, season 4 stopped that development in its tracks.

Season 5 continued to do a disservice to Cordelia (and Angel and Cordelia) by practically erasing Cordy from existence (I know that backstage issues with the cast need to be taken into consideration here, but the lack of consideration to Cordelia’s character is still a valid point to discuss). Despite how utterly terrified Angel was whenever faced with the prospect of losing Cordelia, in season 5 he was visibly fine about Cordelia being in a coma and wasn’t even attempting to pull her out of it. The fact that Angel (and co.) would simply stand by and go on with the rest of their lives without devoting every single second to waking Cordy is ridiculous and completely OOC for all of them. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Cordy were deeply connected and would have done anything for each other, and there’s no way they would’ve given up on Cordy like that. But back to the point, despite Angel being in love with Cordelia throughout season 4, there was no reference to his feelings for her until ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11). Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that episode and I always will, but I also can’t help but notice how out of place that episode feels within the rest of the season. In the episodes leading up to it Cordelia was barely mentioned and in the episodes afterwards, her death was completely ignored with only a few passing references from Angel near the end of the season (don’t even get me started on the fact that she didn’t even get a funeral. What the hell was that all about?!?!? This is Cordy.) Furthermore, Angel reverted back to being actively in love with Buffy (particularly in ‘The Girl in Question’ 5x20, which is honestly such a bad episode, I can’t even) with no consideration given to the fact that he had feelings for Cordelia. Personally, I believe all of these consistencies come from fan pandering - the reaction to Angel and Cordelia becoming a couple was very negative so they reverted back to the Angel/Buffy relationship because it was so popular and well-loved. But back to, ‘You’re Welcome’, the episode definitely redeemed some of what was done to Cordelia (and her relationship with Angel) by giving her/them a satisfying ending after an horrendous season 4, but nothing can truly make up for the fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was so abruptly ended in the manner it was. It also can’t make up for the fact that we missed out on two entire seasons worth of development that we would’ve potentially got if the Jasmine plot hadn’t taken place (again, I understand this was largely down to behind-the-scenes complications with Charisma and Whedon).

These flaws in the writing (and execution of the relationship) in seasons 4 and 5 is far and above my biggest criticism of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship as a whole (although it’s a criticism of the writers more so than Cordelia and Angel or David and Charisma). It never would have made sense for Angel and Cordy to have a plain sailing fairy-tale romance, but they had so much more potential and could have grown to become something even more beautiful if season 4 had continued to build upon their development from seasons 1-3. ‘You’re Welcome’ perfectly demonstrates the potential they had and what they could’ve become if Cordelia hadn’t been possessed by Jasmine. And that was only a taster and we could’ve had, we could’ve so much more. In my opinion, there were no limits on where their relationship could have been taken since it was so well written, built-up and established leading up to season 4. The fact that we’ll never know how the relationship would’ve played out if it had continued is sad, but as I said, that missed chance that they had is key to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship. It’s the one that got away, the love that could never be and that one person whom we always wonder, “What if?” about.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow

The final section I wanted to do is an exploration of the reasons why I feel Cordelia and Angel are misunderstood as a ship and how I believe this primarily stems from the fact that they live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow. This is where I’ll be comparing Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel, so if you’re a fan of Buffy/Angel, you may not want to read this final section. However, this isn’t anti-Buffy/Angel, it’s really me working through my own thoughts and feelings as both a Buffy/Angel and a Angel/Cordelia shipper (yes, we exist haha).

People have a tendency to make comparisons between the Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel relationship two relationships, when in reality (as I’ve mentioned above) the two aren’t really comparable. Angel’s relationships with Buffy and Cordelia were distinctive, took place under completely different circumstances and brought different things to his life. Angel was fully engaged in a romantic relationship with Buffy for 2 years (on and off), but he never had the opportunity to do that with Cordelia. The romantic feelings were there, as was the potential for them to act on that and see what they could be, but it didn’t happen. So to compare the two relationships (when technically Angel and Cordy never entered into a romantic relationship) is futile to say the least. However, people naturally make those comparisons and when they do they seem to come up with two key reasons Angel/Cordelia are inferior to Buffy/Angel:

1. Sexual relationship/chemistry - It hasn’t escaped my attention that Buffy and Angel have a lot more sexual chemistry than Angel and Cordelia. Honestly, in my opinion, nothing can really compare to SMG/David chemistry, it’s so damn good. However, this criticism simply fails to understand that Angel and Cordelia’s love/connection never was primarily one of a sexual nature (notice that every fantasy Angel ever had of Cordelia was romantic not sexual). Romance was definitely part of their relationship (particularly in seasons 3, 4 and 5) and they had an attraction and they had chemistry (’Waiting in the Wings’ damn well proved that), but their relationship was never about sex. In comparison to Angel and Buffy, their relationship was deeply rooted in attraction. From the moment they meet each other they’re very physically attracted to each other and in seasons 1 and 2 they both make references made to how badly they want to kiss each other whenever they’re together, whilst in season 3 they discuss the difficulties they find in fighting against their sexual attraction to each other. As a result, Angel and Buffy’s relationship was always heavily steeped in sexual tension. The fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship didn’t have the same level of sexual attraction doesn’t make that relationship any less important, just different (which I know I keep saying, but it’s kind of my whole argument here - the two relationships are so fundamentally different you can’t compare them).

2. Buffy is Angel’s one and only true love - There’s no denying that Buffy was and always will be Angel’s great love, but to quote one of my not-so-favourite shows (The Vampire Diaries), contrary to popular belief, people can (and usually do) have more than one great love in their lives. Clinging too tightly to the Buffy/Angel relationship ignores the immense changes Angel undergoes on ATS and the fact he moved on from Buffy (up until Spike’s return in season 5, which reverts him back to being kind of obsessed with Buffy, which is such bad writing and so inconsistent that it annoys me. And this isn’t including crossovers either, because damn, they’re so problematic/inconsistent and I didn’t even realised until I watched ATS, but I can see now why the writers didn’t want to do too many crossovers despite the fans wanting them). Buffy was always in Angel’s heart and he always carried her with him, but he didn’t actively pine over her or yearn for her when he moved to L.A. (he did more so in season 1 and particularly after the events of ‘I Will Remember You’, but he slowly moved on). Angel conclusively and healthily moved on from Buffy - he established a life for himself which he loved and made him happy, he found a home, friends and embarked on a new love with Cordy. When two people have shared a love like Angel did with Buffy, it never goes away but it does change and it almost grows dormant (for reference, there’s a brilliant meta that discusses Angel moving on from Buffy which you can read here). To use a real life example here, my mom (who’s now 50) has been in around 5 serious long-term relationships in her life and has been with her current partner for 5 years and is completely in love with him. However, she’s openly admitted to me that she loved my dad more than she’s ever loved any man and she still regards him the love of her life. That doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him, because she’s not. She hasn’t seen him in two decades, she’s moved on and she’s found love with someone new. That love she had with him is a memory in her head and her heart, but it has no place in her life now. She’s a different person, her life has changed dramatically and that love is in the past. If he rocked up now he’d be a stranger to her and regardless of those memories she has of him, he’s no longer the person she’s in love with. That’s exactly what happened with Buffy and Angel. They always loved each other, but Angel truly did move forward (whether Buffy moved on is something I’m less unsure of). In ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) Angel told James that he’d lost the woman he loved (Buffy) and that he had loved her with his whole heart. In response, James said that that couldn’t be true because if it was, when she had died Angel would’ve died along with her. After that, in a scene with Cordy (x), Angel admitted that he was okay and had dealt with Buffy’s death and how he felt guilty about that. In my opinion, this episode (and those scenes in particular) confirmed that Angel had moved on from Buffy and had gotten to a place where he could finally open himself up to Cordelia wholeheartedly. In fact, David spoke about how Angel had moved on from Buffy and that Cordy was what he needed (he also mentioned Darla, which is a topic I won’t get into because I could write an entirely separate post about that too) and here’s what he said:

Interviewer: Darla killed herself, right? The baby's mother? Who's gonna step up and help Angel raise the baby? Buffy?

David: God, no. Buffy's pretty much out of the picture. They've played their storyline and that's just the past. I think between Cordelia and Fred he'll be mommied to death. But, Buffy's just the past.

Interviewer: Oh, come on. Buffy can never really be just the past, can she? I mean, that's Angel's soulmate.

David: I think Darla was probably his soulmate. I mean, they spent a hundred years together, then made a baby. You can't just--

Interviewer: Well, then Buffy was his first love.

David: Angel was Buffy's first love, but Angel loved Darla in a sick way.

Interviewer: I'm a Buffy/Angel fan. Sorry.

David: You're forgiven. No, I'm just saying that the two shows are on different networks and it's not gonna happen. There's no more story there for those two. Buffy isn't Angel's priority anymore. In season one and two of our show, she was always in the back of his mind, well, now it's all about the baby and Buffy is just, well, she's just a person he used to know.

Interviewer : Awww, come on! The story there was so incredible.

David: And like every good story, it came to an end. And then started over. On. Different. Networks. (again with the emphasis)

Interviewer : Is Angel going to hook up with Cordy?

David: Well, I'm all for it. I don't know what the writers have planned in that regard, but I'm a fan of Charisma's work and I'd love for our characters to be romantically involved. Cordy is really what Angel needs, I believe. (x)

See, it’s important to acknowledge that as amazing as Buffy and Angel’s story was, they broke up and went their separate ways. As David rightfully pointed out, it was the past and Buffy was no longer his priority. It’s always frustrated me that Angel was expected not to move on and to pine for Buffy, whilst Buffy was allowed to move on and find love again. The argument is that Angel was so much older than Buffy that he couldn’t or rather shouldn’t want to find love, whilst Buffy was still young, but the problem is, although Angel was technically old, he was still a teenager himself in terms of his experiences in love. He didn’t have a soul for 100 years so was incapable of love and then he spent 100 years when he had a soul cut off from the world. He had barely experienced anything the world had to offer and he certainly hadn’t had the opportunity to forge connections with others or explore the world of love. Buffy was able to move on from Angel and experience different types of relationships/loves with Parker (urgh), Riley and Spike (amongst others who she flirted with or briefly dated post-BTVS season 3). Angel deserved the same opportunity to experience new types of relationships that were different than the one he had with Buffy. I’m going to use another quote The Vampire Diaries because I feel it sums this up perfectly, “I realised that I may not be able to explain what I feel for her, but it is something, and, yeah, maybe all love isn't true love in the messed up way that you and I have experienced it, but I think this could turn into something even better.” This right here is exactly how I perceive Angel’s feelings for Buffy and Cordelia to be. Angel had only ever loved one person, Buffy was all he’d ever known of love and it was so big, messy and all-consuming , but with Cordelia he realised that love didn’t necessarily have to be like that and that there are different types of love.

There’s no disputing that Angel never loved Cordelia in the same way he loved Buffy (which this post explains perfectly) - Angel will never love anyone the way he loved Buffy, but he did fall in love with Cordelia and she enriched his life in new ways and filled a void in him in much the same way Buffy did. During ATS Cordelia surpassed Buffy in importance simply because of the place she had in Angel’s life - she was the center of his world and without her it wouldn’t be the same (we saw that in season 5). It would be unfair to claim Angel couldn’t or shouldn’t love someone else just because he had such an intense love with Buffy. What makes his relationship with Cordelia so special is that it was so different than the love he had with Buffy. Those two loves will always sit in contrast to each other, but will never overshadow or replace one another because they’re both significant and special for different reasons.

The point of talking about this was really just to highlight that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship is not by any means invalid or inferior because of Buffy/Angel. Both relationships are important and exist in contrast to each other. Angel and Cordelia’s relationship does tend to be misunderstood and/or unappreciated due to the nature of the writing (which had a lot of problems in seasons 4 and 5, and even a little in season 3) and because they’re too heavily compared to the hot and heavy romance between Angel and Buffy. However, Angel and Cordelia’s relationship developed organically over time in a subtle way and is demonstrative of how much relationships can evolve as life progresses and circumstances change, and how two people can grow together. Theirs was a story about two people, who in the beginning were indifferent to each other, but grew to know each other profoundly and found a lot through being in each others lives - purpose, belonging, family, friendship and love - and through having and sharing that, they fell in love. It’s not a conventional romantic love as most of us would expect, and they didn’t have the chances to fully explore their romantic connection because their story ended prematurely, but it was a beautiful relationship embedded in human connection and friendship at the deepest and purest level.

If you got to the end of this, thank you so much for reading. This took me days and days to write and edit, so I’m really grateful to you for reading and would appreciate likes/reblogs if you found this interesting. I’d also love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so if you have any feel free to stop by my ask box :)

#angel the series #ats #cangel #angel x cordelia #ats meta #angel the series meta #cangel meta #mine #my meta #i can't even explain how long this took to write #i just hope that at least one person reads it now lmao #i spent so long on my last meta about the punisher and that has no notes #i guess even if no one reads it i get the enjoyment out of writing it and that's what counts

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reallyautomaticvoid · 5 years

Text

Calling It: Good Intentions Chapter 3: There’s Tim!

Characters (in order of appearance in this chapter): Conner Kent, Bart Allen, Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Dick Grayson

Chapter Summary:

Conner and Bart find Tim. Or, rather, Tim finds Conner and Bart.

After checking the dozen safe houses that they knew about plus a couple of old ones that Tim had abandoned (shocking an old lady when they burst in through her front door, though they did get pie…) Conner and Bart are out of ideas.

“I’m telling you,” Conner runs to keep up with Bart, “I don’t think he’ll be there.”

“It’s as good as any to regroup,” Bart counters as he punches in the security code. “Besides, I don’t want to miss Tim’s apartment being this clean. It might not ever happen again.”

Conner snorts because yeah, Bart has a point.

Conner follows Bart into the living room. Conner walks towards the perch’s entrance and stares at it again.

How bad could the security be?

Conner hesitates for half a second before using his X-ray vision to see through the door into the stare case. Or trying to use his X-ray vision.

He couldn’t see anything.

“Shit, Tim lead lined the goddamn door.”

“Because, of course, he did,” Bart snorts, staring at the door, “that’s our paranoid bird.”

“It’s not paranoia if someone is really after you,” a new, weary voice came from right behind them.

Jumping, Conner and Bart before turning to see, “Tim!”

It’s something to be said that two of the fastest people in the world couldn’t catch Tim before he collapses onto the couch. Tattered suit pants and collared, long sleeves hung off of Tim’s frame making him like he’d lost ten pounds.

Clammy skin? Check. At least a half a dozen new scratches, some infected, covering his arms and face? Check. Giant fresh gash covering Tim’s forearm? Check.

Conner knows there was more but didn't trust himself to use his x-ray vision. With how shitty Tim looks, literally the last thing Tim needs is for Conner to fuck up and fry him instead of scanning him.

Instead, Conner gently puts his hand on Tim’s forehead.

“You look like shit, Tim,” Conner mildly says. He mouths fever at Bart who nods before running off to get supplies. “You know, when someone is missing their spleen, normal they do little things like gee, I don’t know, eat. Sleep. Take a shower.”

A faint smile twitches on Tim’s face. “I’ll be sure to let Ra’s know that you’re not interested in his vacation package. He was so hoping that you'd be going next.”

“You were with Ra?” Bart reenters the room but freezes at Con’s words.

The exchange a look; both knew the Demon’s Head has an unhealthy interest (obsession) in Tim. Tim’s never been keen on sharing the hows and whys of that interest which pisses Conner off to no end.

“Yup. Not the best vacation I’ve ever been on but still not the worst. That still the time that Bruce tried to make us all go on that family retreat when the Demon tried to leave me in the woods to starve.” Tim’s voice gets higher as he mimics Damian in a dead-on impression. “But Father, why do we even need Drake here. I’m here now; you don’t need a cheap replacement. Grayson, I don’t care if you like him; he’s weak and should be removed. Fuck, that was a long week.”

Conner and Bart exchange an awshiiiiiit look.

They know some of the Batfamily drama.

No, that’s a lie; they knew very, very little about the Batfamily drama. Tim rarely (if ever) talks about the ins and outs of what actually happened once Damian arrived at the Manner. All Conner knows for sure was once Damian moved in, Tim had slowly, but surely started spending more time in San Francisco and less and less time in Gotham.

Fuuuuuuuuck, Tim must really be fuck he’s talking about it so freely.

Bart grabs the thermometer and gives it to Tim.

Tim makes a face.

Bart arches an eyebrow. “It’s your mouth, or I’ll find someplace to put it.”

Tim takes the thermometer, putting it under his tongue. After thirty seconds, it beeps with a temperature of 101°. Bart and Conner exchange a knowing look.

“Oh, don’t look at each other like that,” Tim moans. “I’m fine. I just need a little sleep.”

Conner snorts. “No doubt, but let’s get you something to drink first, okay? When was the last time you ate?”

“Had a salad with Tam,” Tim grunt.

“Salad doesn’t count. When was the last time you had real food?”

“Salad does so count. It had chicken on it and everything.” Tim whines as he rolls over and shoves his face into the back of the couch. “Sleep.”

Conner looks at Bart who mouths fuck.

Little known Titan lore: if Tim Drake whines about wanting to sleep, it means some shit has gone down.

“Man, you really gotta learn how to take care of yourself.”

“I’ll be sure to let Ra’s know you don’t approve of his solitary confinement package.”

Conner files that away for future discussion (which Conner’s sure won’t get him anywhere) before hoisting Tim up bridal style. “Come on, man. Let’s get you some food. Can’t take your antibiotics on an empty stomach.”

Tim hisses. “I hate those things. They always make me nausea.”

Bart shakes his head, muttering, “sure it's not the whole not eating anything for a week things?”

Tim’s head lulls back to glare at Bart. “Nope. Defiantly the antibiotic.”

Conner doesn’t say anything, as he’s too busy trying not to laugh. Or cry. He isn’t sure which.

“Here you go,” Conner deposits Tim at the table where Tim slumps, face first, into the table. “What do you want—uh, what do you have to eat?”

“Coffee.”

Bart snorts. “One, that’s a drink, not a food. Two, you know the rules: no caffeine on an empty stomach.” Bart zips around the kitchen opening cabinets, looking for food. He finally ends at the empty fridge. “Power bars, energy drinks, and coffee? Really Tim? That’s all you have in your kitchen? Even I can’t make something out of that. More importantly, how are you alive if that’s all you eat in Gotham? How have you not had a heart attack?”

Bart’s— the best chef among the Titans—could do wonders in the kitchen. Conner once saw Bart make a mouthwatering casserole out of an orange, licorice, tofu, and a few other ingredients that Conner missed. As Bart put it, “if you had to eat twenty thousand calories a day, you’d get good at cooking too.”

“Coffee,” Tim stubbornly repeats.

Rolling his eyes, Bart says, “I’ll be back,” before zooming out of the room without another word.

Conner goes over to the cabinet that holds some of Tim’s emergency shits hit the fan supplies including bags of saline solution and an IV. Tim eyes Conner as he moves around but doesn’t object when Conner gently put the IV needle into Tim’s arm. Although, Conner isn’t sure that Tim has the energy to object to anything that the Meta might do to him. Conner sits down, watching the IV drip. Tim closes his eyes; head resting on the table.

“You want to talk about it?” Conner murmurs.

“No.” It’s the strongest thing Conner’s heard Tim say since Tim had stumbled back into his apartment, so Conner doesn’t argue.

After about ten minutes, Bart comes charging back in. “You know, fast food places really aren’t that fast. It took them FOREVER to get the food done.”

Conner snorts, “I’m surprised you didn’t go behind the counter and make it yourself.”

Bart tosses Conner a burger before handing Tim some plain toast. “Thought about it. Decided that it would probably just draw too much attention to myself.”

“You guys know I’m off of carbs.” Tim groans.

“Shut up and eat your toast or I’m calling Cassie.”

Tim flinches but starts nibbling at his toast. “I still want some coffee.”

After a long talk with Roy, who didn’t believe that Jason was okay which he was, Jason’s suiting up for the night when he feels his phone vibrate. Fishing it out of his pocket, the new text alert flashes from an unknown number. Jason opens it and read:

Got Tim. Heading back to the Tower.

Jason blinks, a knot that he hadn’t known was in his lower gut loosens, before he fumbles with his phone for a minute, trying to figure out what to write (things ranging from where the hell was he to get his ass to the cave now all floated through his head) before finally settled on:

Is he okay?

Jason had finished zipping up his jacket (contemplating the best way to go and find those ‘heroes’) when his phone went off again.

He says we’re inhuman because we won’t give him coffee. See you around.

Jason punches the front of his locker.

Luckily, it didn’t dent; otherwise, he’d have to deal with disappointed Alfred sighs for the next month. He didn’t like being brushed off especially by a couple of pip-squeaks.

Jason’s Robin Sense went off before he saw anything. “The fuck you want?”

Dick appears right next to him because fuck him Dick had been goddamn Batman.

“What happened to your phone?”

Because shit he’s still clutching his cracked screen phone in his hand.

Jason glares at Dick. “Nothing.”

Dick hums. “Okay. You seemed distracted. Everything okay?”

Jason slams his locker shut. “I’m fine.”

Dick gives Jason a smile that only an older sibling can.

Fucking hell, why is Jason here again?

Alfred’s food.

Right.

Fucking hell, say it already.

“I was just thinkin’ about Babybird.”

That got Dick’s attention.

Jason grins to himself.

“Why were you thinking about him?” Dick nonchalantly asks which he mighta bought if Jason couldn’t see Dick’s back stiffening and his muscles were twitching.

“Just trying to remember the last time I saw ‘em in the cave is all.”

Jason isn’t one for sublet.

It takes for fuck ever for someone (cough, cough, Dick…Bruce) ta realize the fucking point you’re trying to make.

It’s much more satisfying when you could smack someone in the face with their stupidity.

Preferable with a fist.

The Bats, however, like to believe that they were fucking perfect (especially Dick, especially in the brother department). They didn’t take it so well when they get caught being stupid.

Dick, for his part, gives Jason a look like Dick clearly question if Jason’s lost his mind. “What are you talking about, Jay? He was just here last week. He ran a virus sweep on the Batcomputer.”

Jason had to fight the urge to smack Dick.

Repeatedly.

With his fist.

Instead, he cocks an eyebrow at his brother. “That was six months ago.”

The reaction is instant. Dick recoils like Jason had punched him. He stares at Jason for a full minute before slowly shaking his head. Though it looked like there're ‘bout a billion thoughts flashing behind Dick’s eyes.

“What? No, it wasn’t. It was last week,” Dick insists, his voice rising. “Do you honestly think that I haven’t seen my brother in more than six months? I would have noticed not seeing him for that long.”

Jason pauses, giving Dick one of his patented, you’re full of shit but whatever you need to do to let you sleep at night looks before raising his hands.

“Sure, Big Bird. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Opening his locker, Jason looks for his rubber bullets.

Where the fuck are my motherfucking rubber bullets?

Days like today make him reconsider rejoining the Bats. Before all Jay had to do was shoot the asshole and move on.

Now, he has play nice with the Bats.

Some days, Jason wonders if it was worth it.

Then Alfred makes Jason’s favorite dessert, or Bruce would give him one of those goddamn almost smiles (which was like a goddamn hug from the old grump), and Jason found himself coming back home.

Home. Jason mused to himself.

It’s weird after all of these years to have a place that he’d consider a home.

“Jason?” Dick's voice sounds off.

“Yo,” Jason grunts without looking at Dick.

There was a pause.

Dick shifted uncomfortably as Jason finally found his bullets.

Damnit, Damian must have gotten into his locker again and moved shit around just ta fuck with Jason.

Again.

Maybe it was time for Jason to teach Titus how delicious Damian’s slippers were.

“Has he really not—did I miss—er—never mind.”

Jason looks up in time to catch a glimpse of Dick disappearance (showoff) before Jason he could say anything.

The next morning in Red Robin’s room at the Tower, Tim’s fever’s back down to normal. He was still coughing but he fine.

Really, he doesn’t understand why Bart and Conner are hovering. He��s in bed just like they want him to be.

Snug as a goddamn bug.

It’s Hell.

Tim does, however, have a company to run and needs to catch up.

“Don’t you have school,” Tim coughs.

“Flex day,” Conner answers while Bart nods along.

Damn. Tim thinks. “Why don’t you guys go catch a movie or something?”

Conner’s lip twitch and Bart gets a glint in his eye.

Shit.

“A movie does sound like fun.” Bart turns to Conner, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

“Marathon?”

“Marathon.”

“Good, bad, or terrible movies?”

“Mix, of course.”

“Perfect.”

“Food?”

Bart drums his thumbs Tim’s desk. “Give me half an hour.” And Bart dashes off.

Tim looks up at Con. “Do I get a vote in this?”

“Nope,” Con pop the p.

“Fantastic. I do have work to get done.”

“You were kidnapped and torched. You can take the day off.”

“Red Robin, maybe, but Tim Wayne? Didn’t you hear? He just got back from a lovely whirlwind vacation.”

Conner rolls his eyes. “Really now? Were there any hot models there?”

“Not a one sadly. There was some lovely time to meditate though.”

“Don’t they call that solitary confinement?”

Tim shrugs, “eh, if life gives you lemons.”

“You say ‘what the hell? I ordered oranges.’” Con smirks.

Tim rolls his eyes. “Well, I did order oranges.” Tim laughs which was a mistake because it set off another round of coughing. Before he could ask, Conner was handing him a glass of water. Tim grimaces. “Coffee would be better.”

“You know the rules: No coffee for twenty-four hours after a fever spike.”

Tim hisses. “It was only 101. That’s barely a fever.”

Conner looks utterly unmoved by this argument.

Bastard.

“Close enough.”

“I’m a mature twenty. I can take care of myself.”

“Uhuh. And what show did you leave as a parting gift to Ra’s?”

“Teletubbies,” Tim grins. Not his new business-friendly smile but a real grin that let the former Robin shin through. “I thought he’d enjoy it. Plus he could use a refresher on how sharing is caring.”

Con laughs at that before sobering. “You know, I was thinking,” Tim internal winces, but keeps his face smooth. He knew this was coming but it did make the experience any more enjoyable, “maybe it’s time you move out of Gotham? You could move to the tower full time or something.”

Tim keeps his expression smooth. “Aren’t you the one who’s always nagging me to get out of the tower?”

Con glowers at him. “To see a movie, take a walk in the park, go on a date. Not to go back to one of the most crime-ridden cities in the world. Hell, in the universe.” Con took a deep calming breath.

Tim thinks about it. He really thinks about it. He considers moving out of Gotham permanently. What would the ramification of leaving the city that's rejected him several times over? And while the idea is tempting, to be free of the Bats (fuck yeah that’s an excellent thought now, isn’t?), of all of the baggage that came with Gotham, but—

“It’s home, Con. I’m—I’m not ready to leave it yet.” Tim’s voice sounds young, even to his ears.

Con sighs. “Yeah, that’s what you always say. Had to ask though. I think you should still move though. Ra’s knowing—” Tim cuts him off with a snort.

“Ra’s make it a point to know what laundry soap I use. Hell, he makes it a point to know what kind of cough drops I take. He’ll know if I move. Might as well stay where I’m at for now.”

The rest of the argument is cut short by Bart reentering the room carrying way, way too much food. Bart then speeds back out of the room only to reappear in a blink of an eye with a rather large stack of movies.

Tim stares at the pile.

No way they’re getting through that stack in one day.

Bloody hell.

Thanks for reading!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18106355/chapters/43592294

#calling it #chapter 3 #fanfiction #conner kent #bart allen #Tim Drake #Jason Todd #dick grayson

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mythicallore · 5 years

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... What was that sound?

"This happens all the time," says Darren Evans, a bystander joining the paranormal investigating team of Travel Channel's Ghost Adventures. The target: Zozo, an ancient demon who makes his presence known by rapping on walls and moving objects, and might be doing so in the empty hallway upstairs.

Evans isn't rattled by the sound; he's used to his house making strange noises. For years, he claims that Zozo has stalked, harassed, and tormented his family. Evans even claims to have been possessed by Zozo, who is an ancient supernatural presence who has wormed his way through history, wreaking havoc on participants since the pre-Biblical days. Evans is a self-proclaimed "Zozologist," who regularly tells his stories at paranormal conventions, on supernatural-themed podcasts, and across 236 pages in a recent book. For this television appearance, he's leading a team into the darkness, into the unknown.

Zozo's origin story is riddled with supposition, fabrication, and a hive-mind belief system that keeps his power alive and thriving -- despite giant gaps in its history. But since 2009, Zozo has been a popular internet fixture, so notorious that he's inspired feature films, books, podcasts, and been the focus of entire episodes of both the aforementioned Ghost Adventures and SyFy's Paranormal Witness. A YouTube search of "Zozo demon" turns up more than 80,000 results, with videos ranging from emotional personal encounters to timeline histories to alleged, full-on possessions. Internet lore has one explanation for how it crept out of the shadows; facts tell us something very different.

The demon's story is intertwined with Darren Evans, a man whose stringent belief in the unseen -- and whose obsession with Led Zeppelin -- helped birth a modern urban legend that gains traction with each passing year, its foothold coagulating into an accepted, inescapable truth.

Who is Zozo?

The Zozo demon (sometimes stylized as ZoZo or ZOZO) is a mysterious trickster entity known for stalking people through Ouija boards. Those who claim they've made contact with Zozo – who also goes by Zaza, Mama, Oz, Zo, Za, and Abacus – say he often shows himself by guiding the planchette into figure-8 formations, before frantically zooming back and forth between the "Z" and "O." His interactions start out friendly, but grow malicious; he's known for cursing at and threatening contactees, sometimes personally. While he's often wrangled by a Ouija board, some believe that saying his name out loud can also summon Zozo from the depths of hell.

Zozo believers claim the demon has ancient origins, either African or Sumerian, depending who you ask. While those claims can't be substantiated (they may be confusing Zozo for Pazuzu, a Mesopotamian wind demon who famously appeared in The Exorcist), a supernatural entity called "Zozo" was referenced in the 1818 French text Le Dictionnaire Infernal. The demonological encyclopedia, written by French author Jacques Auguste Simon Collin de Plancy, recounts the story of a young village girl who claimed she'd been possessed by three demons named Mimi, Zozo, and Crapoulet.

But according to the website The Paranormal Scholar, accurately translating the text of Le Dictionnaire Infernal shows that the girl's story was faked. "She rattled nonsense," de Plancy wrote, adding that the girl had been publicly beaten years before for faking possession, and was eventually imprisoned for her fibs. He goes on to describe what he believed to be genuine cases of demonic activity, ending the Zozo extract with the sentence: "Nonetheless, there are real cases of possession."

Zozo's first-known textual appearance was technically a non-appearance, but this hasn't stopped people from using Le Dictionnaire Infernal as "proof" of Zozo's existence. A number of websites and videos still cite it as fact, bolstering the belief that Zozo predates the event that seemingly willed him into existence.

Darren Evans (right) on a 2014 episode of Ghost Adventures | Travel Channel

A legend is born

In 2009, an Oklahoma man named Darren Evans recounting his experience with a demon named "ZOZO" on a website called True Ghost Tales. In the post, Evans admits to an adolescent fascination with the occult, citing many Ouija board incidents through the years. But Zozo, he said, was different. The entity consistently showed itself to Evans, "too many times to count," pretending to be a kind spirit before shifting into threatening language, including curses in what "looked like Latin or Hebrew."

"I was genuinely fascinated and startled by how many times 'ZOZO' showed up, even in many different states and many different Ouija boards," Evans wrote. He claimed that the demon also made threats against his toddler daughter, nearly drowning her in a bathtub and later infecting her with a mysterious illness. "We almost lost her, and that was when I began to suspect demonic attack."

Evans' post garnered a great deal of interest, with other readers alleging similar Ouija encounters with Zozo. He eventually set up a website to collect stories, which steadily gained popularity. A film production company called One World Studios took notice of Evans story, acquired the rights, and in 2012, released the independent feature I Am ZoZo, which featured a cameo appearance by Evans. A YouTube video promoting the film -- titled "Scariest Ouija Board Demon ZOZO Possessed Girl" -- went viral; it currently has more than 5 million views. The comments still debate its validity, despite a promoted link to rent I Am ZoZo below the video's description. "Oh my gosh, [you're] not meant to joke with this. She was laughing and insulting Zozo, so that's why this happened," one comments reads. "The thing was going around in a figure eight. That's bad," says another.

In 2014, Evans and his family appeared on an episode of the Travel Channel's Ghost Adventures. The show's paranormal team, led by host Zak Bagans, visited Evans' house in Oklahoma, which he claimed to be plagued by Zozo. During interviews, he added new details to his original story, including the temporary blinding of his daughter, which he blamed on the demon.

In 2016, Evans co-authored a book, The Zozo Phenomenon, with leading paranormal expert Rosemary Ellen Guiley. He once again added new details about his first encounter with Zozo, claiming that he came in contact with Zozo in 1982 after discovering a Ouija board in his then-girlfriend's basement. Engraved on the back? "ZOZO."

According to The Paranormal Scholar, earlier that year in a phone interview with a New Jersey newspaper, Evans told the same story about a mysterious Zozo-engraved Ouija board, only that time, he claimed "Zozo" was written on the front, "where 'Ouija' is normally written," not on the back. Both of these mentions were the first time in the seven years that Evans had been talking about Zozo that he mentioned an engraved board.

The Zoso symbol from 'Led Zeppelin IV' | Atlantic Recording Company

The part where one of the most legendary rock bands of all time factors in

As if the cracks in Evans' story weren't enough, The Paranormal Scholar uncovered another fascinating revelation: the "Zozo" font on the cover of Evans's The Zozo Phenomenon appeared to be lifted from the "Zoso" symbol, an ancient glyph representing Saturn that was widely used by Led Zeppelin frontman Jimmy Page. Though Page has never revealed what Zoso means to him personally, it's possible that his being a Capricorn -- a sign ruled by Saturn -- has something to do with it.

Evans also happened to be an on-the-record mega-fan of Led Zeppelin, a band long been associated with Satanism and demonology. For a time, his Zozo website even linked directly to the official Zeppelin website and had a link to purchase Jimmy Page's autobiography.

Evans, for his part, has attempted to counter the claims that he fabricated his story. He claims the root word "Zo" -- appearing in both Zozo and Zoso -- has some sort of "magical power," which he believes explains its recurring nature. In a blog post from earlier this year, he posted more historical "proof" of Zozo's existence, once again citing Le Dictionnaire Infernal and a Nigerian paranormal website, Nairaland, where in 2005 a user named Makaveli wrote of a friend's encounter with a demon called "Zo-Zo." (Curiously, in the Nigerian languages Hausa and Igbo, "Zozo" translates to "come up.") He found mention of a demon named Zozo in a 1966 play by Jacques Audiberti, and in an 1876 issue of the Catholic Review, where Saint Bernardino of Siena mentions a "Mass of Zozo," some sort of Satanic ritual.

There's little consistency between Evans's personal accounts and his sourced material that relates any one Zozo to the other. Furthermore, none of these instances explain why, before Evans' 2009 True Ghost Tales post, "Zozo demon" yielded next to zero results in Google's search function. If Zozo encounters are such a shared experience, no one felt comfortable enough sharing their own run-ins until Evans came forward with his viral anecdote.

A scene from I Am Zozo | Image Entertainment

Zozo lives on

Even with such traceable and flimsy origins, Zozo lives on in the collective subconscious, seemingly unstoppable. Like Slender Man and other Creepypasta concoctions, his mythology is so entrenched in the niche corners of the web that you'd be hard-pressed to convince believers in his non-existence. From Reddit to YouTube vlogs to message boards, many people remain utterly convinced that they've had Ouija board run-ins with Zozo.

In the 1970s, scientists attempted this on a large scale with a project known as the "Philip experiment." Hoping to manifest a nonexistent "ghost" through fear responses, the scientists created a fictional character named Philip and held a séance with a test group. After feeding the group Philip's story, they tried to conjure his spirit. The experiment was successful: through sheer force of belief, the participants felt the table vibrate, heard rapping sounds, and said they sensed a presence.

Zozo could be like Philip, a presence people decided to believe in and have now willed into existence. It's strikingly similar to Slender Man, who, despite being wholly and obviously fictional, inspired two Wisconsin schoolgirls to stab their friend, hoping to sacrifice her to the figure they were convinced was real.

Perhaps Zozo is real, and Darren Evans is merely the conduit through which we were introduced to him. In lore, demons are known to disappear for long stretches; it's possible his 2009 emergence was by some hellish design, and he's here to prey on the specific fears of a new generation, one who can spread his word through the viral capillaries of the internet, where any unsuspecting soul might stumble on his wrath.

#paranormal #spooky #zozo #supernatural #zak bagans

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la-knight · 5 years

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BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage.

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

#books of 2018 #book review #aesthetic #Furthermore #Tahereh Mafi

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fauzhee10069 · 5 years

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JoJolion’s main villain? Will it be female?

Okay, so whenever I find a discussion about JJL main villain, who will it be? And with the thirst from fans who wanted the first female main villain in JJBA, a popular theory emerged that Higashikata Caato would become the main villain. Yeah, so far… she is really popular, lots of hints point towards her, I can see some reasons of why:

Her motivation, she is currently in conflict with her ex-husband, Norisuke IV. Their conflicting views of how they have to sacrifice to save their son from the curse. Her sacrifice made her imprisoned for 15 years and separated from her children (how sad when her three children did not know her as their mother). Now, she returns and demands a payback.

Her persumably dominance over her son, Jobin. Jobin who previously was hyped as potential main villain is now overshadowed by his mother. Especially, it was pretty much confirmed that Jobin isn't the mastermind by Dolomite and Rai. “Jobin sweetie, remember that I went to jail to protect you, to save you, all for your sake. Imagine she says, ”I can see that Jobin must feel very indebted and grateful to her, that’s why he looks very respectful to her.

Her first impression of Gappy!Josuke was that she doesn't like him, regards him as freeloader (a potential enemy?)

Her Stand being a space-manipulating related type, often being regarded in the same boat with D4C (though I see that it’s more similar to Enigma currently).

Despite being 52 and a granny, she looks attractive for no reason, Araki’s habit of creating his main villains. Look how he changed fat!Valentine into the hot 48 years old president. Caato could be the antithesis of Lisa Lisa. Both are hot milfs in 50s and supportive to their sons, only the side is reversed.

Advanced points:

Norisuke IV he is one of the people closest to Josuke but the one who is likely most despised by Caato. I can see the potential conflict between Josuke and Caato or even her conflict with her other children.

The race to obtain Locacaca fruit, Caato’s side (Tsurugi, Jobin and Mitsuba) are fighting to cure Tsurugi. Josuke is fighting to restore himself to normal and save Holy.

Now, enter my personal opinion...

Actually, I like Caato as villain, or even major villain. But to be honest, though I also crave for the first female main villain, I don’t really like the concept of Caato as the one. Reasons:

Her conflict/motivation is too domestic, a household disputes; an ex-wife who wants to take revenge on and punish her ex-husband for the sacrifice and misery that she have to endured and demands payback (she openly asked for half of the household fortune). Basically, she wants to take back what's rightfully hers, probably dethrone the patriarch to dominate the family business and fortune. This sounds like a plot taken out from Korean/telenovela family drama (with revenge as its main theme) only that it involves Stand battle, could be good for side plot but not for main plot. I wish the Rokakaka fruit, Rock humans, scientist and the curse will be a greater focus than this family drama bullsh*t.

Her background itself is too ordinary, a former housewife with no visible past career or other interesting things, unless she had other past background that is still hidden, maybe a past career that hasn't been revealed yet, ala Izumi Curtis. Though she could be a counterpart for part 4 main villain, being ordinary salary man.

Her flashback and motivation in the past, in my opinion, is too sympathetic (something that Araki claimed to avoid whenever he writes a main villain). To save her son from her curse, rather than sacrificing her life, she preferred to sacrifice the life of other (stranger). To be honest, I prefer her method than Norisuke IV, therefore Jobin (and her other children) do not need to lose a mother figure (which ironically happened). This is a husband’s common mistake; assuming that his wife is not different with his mother, hoping that his wife will do the same thing with what his mother has done. Basically, a mom who did sacrificing her own contented life for the sake of her child, imprisoned for 15 years away from her children, she had just been released and is still reorganizing her life. Unlike other JoJo main villains, in which their trouble pasts had become a past completely (that happened years ago) as their current life in the present storyline is much better but Caato still had to face her ex-husband who seemed to abandon her and had to try re-bond her relationship with her children again (idk why but her story kinda reminds me of Cookie Lyon from Empire). She just barely regains her life back.

Her personality that is too obvious for a villain. Being very two-faced and deceptive, showing her true calculating personality to those she deeply trusts yet truly capable of however seems to intimidate and inspire fear, but in public, she comes off as charismatic and loving person. It’s like “Oh looks… she is evil… she must be the main villain!!” I mean, just as she first appeared (which is not long ago), she already acted menacing, intimidating and declaring her objectives. Whereas JJBA main villains in general were acting pretty casual.

Most likely, Araki did the Principal and The Pauper to Norisuke IV’s character. From the fun & loving dad and a supportive father figure for Josuke to be an asshole husband who is disregarding his wife for the sacrifice she had made and even refused to pay her alimony. Now I am confused whether I should cheer for Norisuke IV (Josuke’s side) or Caato. This will potentially rival my disappointment over Xiao Fan ruining Zhao Yun and Xiao Meng’s dynamic. >:(

She doesn’t have any moment that can be mocked over and meme’d. Also, all of her appearance so far is like a boss. If she constantly stays like this till the end, I’m afraid that she would potentially ruin the funny dynamic between The Main Villains gang in fandom!!!

I don’t need another mom archetype in JJBA main villains gang, we already have Kira as the mom.

Her determination to live free from the men (read: husband)’s control and decision yet seems to be in control of her son (and possibly grandson) makes her sound like feminazi. I hope I’m wrong though, hopefully Araki doesn’t write her to be main villain only to fulfill the quota (due to the lack of female main villains) or as political correctness. I just want my first female main villain to be just a character of her own without being the feminist advertisement (though that’s what you likely will get from a character with just housewife as background). I have faith in Araki though because in my opinion he was quite successful as he wrote Jolyne, she is very likeable for the only female JoJo as she is simply being who she is without promoting feminism.

A mother controlling her children (in this case, Jobin). Though this is personal, I’m never into this kind of villain. I think it is very cheap, there is a teach that children must respect their mother who had nurtured and raised them and one mom decided to take this as an advantage to control her children. Most likely, Caato could be the main cause of Jobin's authoritarian attitude to his son, Tsurugi.

Mom: “Okay son, remember that I had carried you in my womb and suffer for 9 months for it, I had painful labor to bear you, I had taken care of you when you were a helpless baby, teaching you everything and saved your life from the curse, even saved you from your crime, by letting myself go to jail and lost my 15 years of life… all because I love you. Now, do me a favor and never question it!” Son: “No, sorry mom.” Mom: “(How dare you!) Why not?” Son: “Because I never ask to be born (especially by you).” (I don’t think Jobin would ever say that, probably Joshu).

So, if Caato turns out to be the main villain, she could be my least favorite main villain despite I am being a female myself. Though it's still too early to judge, there is still a hope that she will deliver something more interesting than those 5 points above. One of them is the theory and possibility that she is the mysterious head doctor or the Rock human’s leader.

My other personal wish is that Holy Kira is the actual main villain. This is purely crack theory and something that is even less likely than Caato, but I think Holy Kira will deliver something more interesting than Caato:

Her more interesting background as an Ophthalmologist, emergency doctor, and guest professor. A woman, a mother and A PROFESSOR!!!

Her more direct connection with Rokakaka fruit, it is revealed that Holy created the hidden Rokakaka lab at T.G University Hospital, she was researching the fruit! Therefore, A SCIENTIST!!! There is a possibility that she was part of the Rokakaka Research Organization (though probably she just did the research independently).

She is a direct descendant of Johnny Joestar, therefore… a Joestar! Imagine being a Joestar and a main villain at the same time!! Okay, despite being a Joestar, Holy is not a JoJo. But this will be hilariously the greatest irony ever, a main villain is descended from a JoJo.

Her, tricking Josuke, the main protagonist (who is also part of her son) to cure her is something far more brilliant than a mom straightly controlling her son through intimidation. Perhaps her illness is part of her master plan (“計画通り/keikaku doori!!”ala Light Yagami or Aizen), it’ll be a greater troll than Joseph trolling Jotaro as reincarnated DIO XD.

Holy Kira might be the antithesis of Holy Kujo, the purest and most loving milf ever in JJBA to be the worst and ambitious mom.

Holy Kira might fit the theme of the villain being the opposite of the protagonist, what is the opposite between Josuke and Holy? One being the guy stitched together from two other guys and one being a woman who has a lot of missing parts (in this case, her brain).

She already had her possibly funny/crazy moment when she was trying to use a nurse like a pair of boots and a magazine XD.

Personally, I think that Holy has better design than Caato. While Caato looks like the older version of Jolyne, her messy appearance looks like a middle-aged woman who couldn’t let go her teenage years (that’s why she can’t beat Lisa Lisa as a hot milf in 50s imo, her appearance is tidier and more elegant). Look at Holy Kira, she is trendy and the dark cape looks fabulous for a villain’s design.

Holy may possess a more interesting Stand, I’m sure she is a Stand user if she can see Paisley Park and knows about Killer Queen. Please, Araki… show me what her Stand is capable of!!

If Caato stays the same until the end of the story, she will be the most deviated villain in JJBA history besides being female, Araki might breaks the pattern with her. But isn’t using Holy Kira as main villain would be a greater pattern breakers??

Besides Holy Kira, I found another crack yet brilliant theory of Yasuho being actual main villain without her realizing it, played it like an alter ego ala Doppio. Disclaimer, it is not written by me. While this is very interesting (and I support this theory tbh), this could be another case of The Principal and The Pauper in Yasuho’s character.

Hopefully, Caato is just a red herring for the actual main villain (as she is too… obviousss), but the possibility of Holy as the main villain is even smaller. That’s why I keep my expectation of evil!Holy so low, she could be just a straight SBR counterpart for Holy Kujo (the purest mom in critical condition that needs to be cured asap) with slightly bigger role, nothing more. Perhaps, the main villain could even be neither Caato nor Holy.

Now, let’s countdown the villains we had so far and how Caato or Holy will fill it up:

A vampire (and an ex-lawyer student)

A Pillar Man, boss of his own kind

A vampire… again (at least he is hundred years old now)

A salary man and serial killer

A mafia boss

A priest (and the vampire’s lover best friend)

A president of alt!US

A former housewife and former inmate / A mad scientist and a Joestar / A Rock human and head doctor (another mad scientist), assuming the third possibility of main villain is a guy / The main villain is a concept (not a person), the Locacaca fruit itself (I love this one tbh)

Pick your choice!!

Summary: I welcome Caato as villain, even as major villain. She is the first female villain who has her own motivation without being a mere pawn for the main villain. She deserves a big role, but not the biggest role. Gappy!Josuke deserves a greater villain to fight than a greedy and vengeful milf who is wronged (by her husband) in the past, someone who hasn't even reached the top (and her own happiness). The mystery of Locacaca’s fruit, the origin of the Higashikata’s curse;the rock disease, what’s up with the Rock humans and the Wall Eyes should be prioritized over the game of throne inheritance fight drama of the Higashikata family’s property and power. To be honest, I still prefer the main villain to be a man… again rather than Caato (even if it is Jobin).

TL;DR Caato will still be my most favorite female villain but potentially becomes my least favorite main villain in JJBA.

#jojolion #kaato higashikata #holly joestar kira #holy kira #my thoughts #jjba part 8 #crazy theory #meta post #main villain theory #Jojo villains #jojo's bizarre adventure #JoJo no Kimyō na Bōken #caato #holy joestar #holy joestar kira

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gamearamamegathons · 6 years

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Dragon Quest V: Baby Dungeons

Circe here! I've only just started Dragon Quest V, but I've been thinking, given the sheer size of my last post on Dragon Warrior IV, maybe I should be writing shorter, more frequent posts rather than letting a huge amount of plot build up before posting, especially now that the games...actually...have plot. Besides, there's a lot to talk about right off the bat. First thing I should cover is that the SNES version of Dragon Quest V has never been localized to English. Dragon Quests IV through VI eventually got DS remakes that were released in the US, but I'm sticking with the original version of every game, so that means either rolling with a Japanese version or finding a fan translation. I know I talked a big game about playing untranslated games earlier, but these games have gotten a lot more text-heavy in the interrim, so that would probably slow things down a lot. I'm still not ruling out the possibility for future games, but for now, I think this works fine. This does mean that there may be localization choices that aren't consistent with any official localization, so this may be quite interesting, we'll see.

As for the game itself, as you might expect from an early SNES RPG, it's a weird mix of graphical and mechanical improvements paired with weird holdovers from the NES era. I was really hoping that the DOOR/TALK/SEARCH menu items would finally go away, but no, it's still here, and it looks even weirder next to the considerably better SNES graphics. However, with the extra buttons, they've added another button that appears to be a context-sensitive shortcut, so I may be leaning on that a lot instead. Menu navigation on the whole is pretty similar, although our characters have a bigger inventory, and equipment purchasing is even further improved by showing how each item in the shop will change each character's stats. I can't say it's not improved, but we're not really at the point of 'hey, this is a modern RPG now' quite yet. And that's...very weird, actually, because Final Fantasy IV was released the year before this game, and despite also having some weird NES holdovers, the UI is better in almost every way (except purchasing equipment, actually, I have to give DQ5 credit there). In fact, I don't know if Final Fantasy has *ever* had anything like Dragon Quest's clunky menu-driven interaction system, so it's very weird that it's lasted, in some form, for five games. But it's not like I haven't acclimated to it by now, so it's not a big deal.

So what is Dragon Quest V about? Well, it opens with our hero's birth. We see our papa...named Papas...and our mother, whose name I forget, celebrating the baby's birth and fretting over a name. As you might guess, they just happen to settle on a name I picked (Papas initially complains that it sounds 'too feminine', which is weirdly on the nose) and then the mother dies. So, uh...well that's kind of a downer to open on. In any case, our gender is fixed in this game (male, as you might guess) but I can't complain too much, since this one is probably going to be even plot-heavier than in the past. I think our character even talks. But it's a good thing, then, that SEN is a gender-ambiguous name. And no, I'm never going to stop using allcaps.

So, skip ahead to when SEN is a young adult...haha, just kidding, you're six. Apparently, Papas is a bit of a wanderer, but we're on a boat just about to make port in his hometown of Santa Rosa. Here on the ship we're going to get acquainted with one of the big changes in Dragon Quest V. At least here in the early game, you're pretty hemmed in, and the game expects you to talk to NPCs in the area in order to advance the plot. A far cry from the wide-open world of Dragon Warrior, but it's little surprise, since each game up to this point has taken little steps in this direction. And our character is, after all, six. Once we reach the dock, Papas immediately busies himself talking to some guy, so of course we wander off and immediately get into an encounter with some slimes. After a couple turns of feeble swings at the monsters, Papas steps in to protect us, taking out the slimes easily with blows upwards of 70 damage. So okay, he's pretty tough. He heals us, and we walk the short distance from the dock to Santa Rosa. This is a scripted sequence where Papas leads the way, but there are still random encounters like normal (okay, they're probably scripted, but it gives the appearance of random encounters). Papas handles the monsters with ease, and we head into town.

Here Papas bumps into the wife of his friend who runs an inn in the nearby town of Alcapa. Apparently, he has fallen ill, and his wife came here to get medicine. And we meet her daughter Bianca, who quickly gets bored of listening to the adults talk, and goes upstairs with us to pass the time. Being two years older, she's able to read, a little, so she takes out a book to read to us. It doesn't take her long to give up, though, complaining that the words are too difficult. It's not long before Bianca's mother comes to pick her up, and then it's just us and Papas again.

Papas seems to be a bit of an inattentive father, to be honest. He's busy with grown-up stuff, and we're left to our own devices. You can wander around town and talk to people, and find out that a man who went to find the medicine has gone into the nearby cave and hasn't come out, or you can, like me, just find the cave and decide this is an excellent idea without finding out why you should go there. There's a guard keeping six year old children from wandering out of town, but the cave is unguarded -- well, no, that's not true, there is a guard by the cave entrance, but he merely warns you that going into the cave is a bad idea and it's not his fault if you get lost. I know we're an RPG hero, but I want you to consider for a moment that by all reasonable standards, this adult human just stands there and watches as a literal six year old wanders to his likely death. Oh well. It would've been inconvenient if he'd stopped us. Don't let the fact that we're six years old give you the idea that we won't be fighting slimes, bats, and moles, or buying weapons and armor at the local shops. It's much funnier to instead picture our hero beating monsters to death with a stick using his tiny baby arms.

At the bottom of the dungeon we find the man trapped under the rock, and give him a hand. So, uh, probably good that someone came down here eventually. That done, Bianca and her mother are ready to return to Alcapa. Papas doesn't like the idea of them traveling on their own, though, so the four of us set out together. Once the medicine is delivered, Papas seems anxious to leave, but it seems that Papas's friends wants him to stay awhile and he, relucantly, agreed. I get the impression that Papas is concerned with...something. Something that's keeping him from his family and friends. But it's too early to say what it is, really. I'll admit, it reminds me of my time playing Taloon in Dragon Warrior IV, getting up in the morning and leaving his family every day to go stab monsters, except this time I'm the child instead. Did Taloon's kid understand why he left for so long, or why they eventually uprooted their lives to move to the much bigger and busier city of Endor? There's no telling, I suppose.

Alcapa is pretty similar to Santa Rosa, although it has a nicer shop and no dangerous open cave for children to wander into. Here, we spend more time with Bianca, and if we chat around a bit, we find a couple more kids tormenting a cat, presumably for no other reason than that they're assholes with nothing better to do. We try to intervene, and they tell us they'll let the cat go if we go fight ghosts in the haunted castle to the north. Okay. This seems a little artificial, especially since, if we're strong enough to do that, we're strong enough to deal with these little shits, but the quest is clear, so that's what we gotta do. We can only leave town at night when the guard is asleep, but that's no big deal, since the shops and everything are still open.

Bianca starts out at level 1 with pretty pitiful equipment, so the first thing I do is grind -- mostly for gold, but I get some decent levels in the process. This game introduces an interesting new feature -- weapons that can hit multiple enemies. I get a boomerang for myself, which can hit every enemy, and a thorn whip for Bianca, which can hit a single enemy group. The downside is that they do less damage to each consecutive enemy, but it's still a huge benefit, reducing large enemy groups to nothing in one or two strikes.

With that done, we head north to Lenoire Castle. I think one purpose of this dungeon is to show off a lot of the new event scripting stuff, kinda like Taloon's chapter in Dragon Warrior IV. This place is pretty damn haunted, with object moving around, doors opening on their own, and, uh, also there's ghosts everywhere trying to kill us. That's, I guess, the biggest hint probably. But it's also clear that they wanted to show off what this new engine can do. Along the way, we meet the ghosts of the former king and queen of the castle, who are apparently being hassled by bad ghosts. Eventually we meet the boss of the bad ghosts, called...Boss Ghost...and he's pretty tough. Bianca drops in this fight, which kinda sucks, but I get through it. Oh, and offensive spells and attacks are finally animated, which is a touch that has been sorely missing until now (our characters don't appear on-screen, so naturally, anything that targets them is not animated). With that done, the good ghosts are at peace, and we get...oh no. A Gold Orb. I mean, okay, we don't know what it's for yet, but I'm wary of generic macguffins at this point.

We hang onto the orb and head back to Alcapa. The shitty kids let us have the cat, and it joins our party...uh, apparently it's a baby panther, which raises a lot of questions about why it's tame and in town. But whatever. Bianca names it Borongo. I think we can rename it if we want, but I decide not to. Papas leads us back home, and we leave Bianca behind, but Borongo sticks with us. Back in Santa Rosa, there doesn't seem to be much going on at first. A lot of townsfolk are complaining about random little objects going missing, which sounds significant. Eventually, if we poke around, we see what appears to be a ghost. The ghost is surprised we can see her, and she says she's been messing with people in order to try and get their attention. Apparently she's really an elf, visiting the human world through some kind of, spirit projection I guess? She leads us to the basement of our home where nobody else is around, and says that the world of elves needs help, and we need to go there right away. Um...so everything I know about fantasy tells me that when an elf tells a very small child to go to their world with them, it's a pretty bad idea. But this isn't really that sort of story, and we don't really have a choice, so off we go.

In the world of elves, we're told that a magical flute has been stolen, and we need to get it back, because they need it to change the seasons, so the human world will fall into eternal winter without it. That sounds pretty bad. The elves have a lot of confidence that a six year old child and his cat can fix this problem, but to be fair, we've got a surprisingly good track record up to this point.

Well, that's all for now. I guess I was right to start writing a new post now, because this turned out to be pretty long anyway. I guess these posts might end up getting a lot more frequent to keep up with the plot, so stay tuned!

#circe #marathon #dragon quest #dragon quest v

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seenashwrite · 6 years

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(1/2)I've completely lost my ability to focus right now, except for hearing Dean saying, "You're awesome, sweetheart," on a loop. I've reread your many treatises on the subject, finally finding the one where someone asked you, "If not sweetheart, then what?" You seemed to believe that he would use "baby" or "sweetiepie" because of his love of his car and pie. I would object to both of these, because I believe that, for him, both Baby and Pie are proper names. (Brother and Angel similarly so, but

Cursing my name? For reals!?

Nah, I kid. I know it’s not hate. And I do apologize, RE: that first part - I obviously was not clear, that’s on me. ‘Cause those ain’t my recommendations. Noooo.

I wanted to convey that it was interesting to me how, putting aside that he only uses “sweetheart” sincerely for Baby & Colt, even if he was using it as an endearment for, um, living things of a twue lurve nature, well….

Dude don’t use it all that often. Not when we compare it to things he no doubt, balls-to-the-wall loves, such as the Impala and pie [and alcohol, but “my lil’ whiskey sour” don’t quite do it for tinglin’ the nethers]. Thus, it got a raised eyebrow from me, how people don’t seem to have the knee-jerk of “sweetiepie” or “babydoll”, derivatives of things he does talk about/refer to adoringly on the reg. Tell me if that’s not making sense, I’ll work on phrasing it better.

Now, having said that - imagining either of those coming out of Dean’s mouth makes me wanna throw up, go eat, throw that up, then mainline Pepto so I can do it all over again til the thought is purged from my person.

All right. Let’s build a profile on Dean’s behavior & verbiage with legitimate love interests, based on what we know from canon, then see if we can’t drill down on a plausible nickname or two.

On an aside, I titled the document containing the draft of what’s below “Endeanments” and I hate myself.

Here’s how this breaks down in my head, so that’s how it’s laid out below. Should the Mrs. or anyone reading this wanna skip ahead, you do you. Scroll til you see the heading.

I. Thing Of The First: What Do We Want & What Do We KnowII. Which Romantic Interests Do We Focus On?III. What Are We Looking For & When We Find It, What Do We Do?IV. What Else Do We Have At Our Disposal To Flesh Out Our Profile Of “Dean In Love"’s Verbiage?V. Thing Of The Second: Nash On Nicknames/Endearments For Unnamed Characters - A.K.A.: Where I’m coming from on this, just so’s y’all can do the whole “Consider the source” thingVI. What Has Worked In The Nashhole Writing RoomVII. Thoughts On The Examples Given In The Ask VIII. Nash’s Three Key Pieces Of Advice For Pulling This Off

And Before We Get Cranking, RE: That Other Post

So here’s the meat & potatoes of what I said when somebody asked my thoughts on what Dean would use as a genuine term of endearment:

I’d bet money that for the actual contenders [both the ones I haven’t yet researched & the nonexistents/potential true loves/soulmates/blahblahblahs], they’d most assuredly be friends first, they will not be a hunter [not a hunter proper, at least, though knowledge of is not a deal-breaker], and any endearment is gonna be something that’s a riff on their name [a la “Sammy” or “Cas”] or related to a specific situation….. she knocks over the sugar bowl, so she’s “Sugar” until enough glares shut that shit down…. things like that.

I. Thing Of The First: What Do We Want & What Do We Know

This whole shebang is based upon the premise that an author gives a shit about accurate characterization of Dean within the context of a legit romantic relationship.

We gotta have a profile in mind regarding the broad strokes of what this chick would be like if our writing of his behavior/the things he says - such as, ta-da! an endearment - is gonna ring true.

All we can know is what’s in canon, and bless the wiki and all their transcripts because no one has to re-watch all the seasons to answer this. #hallelujah

II. Which Romantic Interests Do We Focus On?

The bed-‘em-and-book-it chicks are ruled out, see above, RE: legit love premise.

In the draft of the answer to the other Q that’s referenced in the Q linked above, I have it fleshed out more than I do here - although it’s not completely episode/quote-by-quote sourced - so if y'all wanna know the reasoning behind why I deem these four and only these four ladies of the “legit, Dean was really into them/this had the potential for true love” category, I can share it, but I can’t promise when.

I have no idea if he had an endearment for any or all of these ladies, is my point, y'all feel free to do the deep dive in that respect,

----> ETA later: We did the deep dive. He called Lisa “Honey” when she was dying; unrelated but kind’ve, when he was pretending to be Bela’s husband and she fake-choked on shellfish (also “dying”), he called her “Honey”, too. There ya go.

I stand by these chosen few and the order in which I’ve placed them, the reasons why have to do with character autopsies I do/have done for my big story, ergo would have to be another post or fourteen. Moving on.

Here’s my ranking for “Legit, Dean Totes Felt Something” characters:

4. Jo3. Cassie2. Lisa1. Carmen

All of these ladies, no matter if nothing ever got off the ground [Jo] to the what-might-have-been [Cassie] to the long-term relationship [Lisa] to the dream ideal [Carmen] have some stark, can’t-miss-‘em, key characteristics in common [intelligent, mature, value family, etc.] but I won’t go into that here.

They’re as solid a guide as we’ve got right now, and not just for doing this nickname postulation exercise - I’d also recommend peeps who wanna reeeeeally drill down on an O/C love for Dean to utilize these characters as a jumping off point. R/Is are, of course, going to be [::coughs:: should be] more nebulous in their attributes.

Take home message is that he had a great deal of respect for all of them, so anything that would have to depend on tone because it walks a fine line, you may wanna axe it from the list as an everyday sub for their name.

III. What Are We Looking For & When We Find It, What Do We Do?

You are looking for any nicknames/endearments he assigned to them.

If he did use an endearment with them, do the following:

(1) Which of those 4 is your Dean love interest most like?

(2) Picture Dean calling your character whatever endearment he called them

(3) How’d that work out for you?

And if not, to speculate upon what he would say….. guess what?

(1) Which of those 4 is your Dean love interest most like?

(2) Picture Dean calling them whatever endearment you’ve chosen

(3) How’d that work out for you?

That is your litmus test. Wash, rinse repeat.

IV. What Else Do We Have At Our Disposal To Flesh Out Our Profile Of “Dean In Love"’s Verbiage?

Plenty.

We’ve got the ability to make the profile more robust because of the cooooooooopious amount of evidence on the flip side, what he zeroes in on with the bed-’em-and-book-it type of gal, what his verbiage is like with them, the peeps he doesn’t intend on keeping around for long.

Bonus: that recent ep of what he was like under a love spell. Take what we saw, scale down the intensity, fiddle with it where appropriate - meaning, ‘86 anything that was alike in all the men they charmed, as that isn’t evidence of “Dean In Love” coming to the surface, it’s evidence of the spell’s structure so as to elicit specific behaviors in victims.

Second thing you can look at in terms of nicknaming habits are people for whom he has no romantic inclinations. The easiest cases in point being Sam and Castiel, a.k.a. Sammy and Cas. Off the top of my head, for whatever reason, I recall him calling Gadreel “Zeke” prior to the stolen identity reveal.

So Dean’s a “-y” adder and a name-shortener, consistently with Sam and Castiel, however many times with Ezekiel/Gadreel, and there’s likely more examples, godspeed on that research journey, I ain’t your girl.

I am also 100% - and I know y’all are, too - that he’s a biiiiiiig proponent of situational nicknaming, and while it’s usually snark [think “Batman” for himself, “Harry Potter” for Mick, etc.] it still goes to pattern. I’ve got so many of these in the CASPN decks, it’s unreal, and maaany, possibly most, of them - as noted just now - are TV/movie/music/book-related. [I know this because I’m trying to pull them out as I go to stick them in their own “Deanisms” deck, because if the decks ever go “public” for sale, they can’t have copyrighted content in them]

Again: here we’re looking at a broad stroke in his verbiage, to get a feel of his go-tos, his habits in what he calls others.

V. Thing Of The Second: Nash On Nicknames/Endearments For Unnamed Characters - A.K.A.: Where I’m coming from on this, just so’s y’all can do the whole “Consider the source” thing

I don’t lean into the whole nickname thing. It’s not a purposeful effort, as in, I’m policing myself or when I edit I’m taking them out. It’s just not a reflexive brain-to-keyboard thing for me. I don’t often have characters calling each other by name/nickname/endearment, particularly when it’s just 2 people in a convo, unless it’s a heated convo, a la “DAMMIT NASH!” and “EAT ME, SHITBIRD!”

Longer the fic, trickier this gets. Somebody’s gonna have to address our nameless-faceless protag at some point, and as has been established copiously during my tenure in this fandom, I hope Y/N and her pouty, lip-nibbling, everything-she-does-including-fart-is-done-softly self would die in a fire, ceiling optional, so believe me: I *do* co-sign substitute monikers.

It’s too far to scroll up, here’s what I said about his nicknaming pattern —>

and any endearment is gonna be something that’s a riff on their name [a la “Sammy” or “Cas”] or related to a specific situation….. she knocks over the sugar bowl, so she’s “Sugar” until enough glares shut that shit down…. things like that.

We talked above about him riffing on the person’s name. The situational thing I mentioned - I’ll tell y’all what I did for this, RE: the sticky wicket of when it’s a mini-series/series. [Personally? I think most one-shots can dodge this issue altogether, though certainly YMMV]

VI. What Has Worked In The Nashhole Writing Room

Now, I haaaaated writing the smut thing of mine when I lost a bet, so I plotted it to hell to keep my sanity, and it expanded to 5 g.d. parts. The smut part of it is *riddled* with the tripest tropes that ever troped [part of said bet’s terms], so I’m talking about the story part of it here.

Dean and the protag had a touch-and-go, volatile sitch going on for the bulk of it, ergo chances high due to intense emotions that somebody at some point was gonna have to address each other in at least a tense manner, if not one of anger.

And she was tough as nails, a sniper called in to assist them on a hunt, and she would’ve ended him if he dared call her anything even in the realm of too cutesy-shmoopsy on the reg. It would be in conflict with what I’d built her up to be, bottom line, and likely suck the readers out of the story.

Here’s the dodge I came up with, keeping in mind the situation is she’s a sniper:

“So, we have a decision to make,” Dean said through a partially chewed bite of his burger.

Was he actively trying to be gross? He thankfully swallowed before continuing.

“I’m not in the mood to drive all the way back to Jody’s, then have to share a bed with Sam in her guest room,” Dean began.

Okay. He was talking to me.

“I think the best thing to do is head to the bunker—”

I looked to him, aghast.

“—and we’ve got plenty of room, we can pick up a toothbrush for you when we stop to fill up—”

Did he not notice the big black bulky thing I’d thrown in the back floorboard when they picked me up? I was never not prepared. There was already a toothbrush in my backpack. And a change of clothes.

And a Glock.

“—then we’ll all be fresh daisies, get you home tomorrow. Whaddya say, Snipes?”

Oh god. He’d nicknamed me. Had my letting him win a staring contest actually infused him with enough bravado to try and make friends? Convince me to stay in what Jody had described as essentially a really large basement?

They end up in love - but the sub for her name isn’t lovey-dovey, and it doesn’t have to be, the dynamic between them is vastly more important [more on that later].

In another one in the ol’ draft folder - and it’s not a romantic dynamic, but the nickname dodge happens because she’s unnamed - here’s how that’s gonna work. In an earlier scene, it’s mentioned that Dean was giving her a hard time via the Patsy Cline song “I Fall To Pieces” [spoiler alert: it’s the story based upon THIS thing, you’re smart cookies, you’ll get the reasoning behind it]

And you’d remember. It’s not something you’d forget. I know this because no one else has. Dean still calls me “Cline” - let me rephrase - he bellows it, with glee and snort-laughs, though I suppose there’s worse things to be called. He’s called me those, too, over the years, he doesn’t disappoint. And Sam still narrows his eyes at left my knee, watches my gait for any unevenness or wobbles, and it doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll believe he messed up the articulation til the end of days.

Tangentially-related, in “Build Me Up, Buttercup” - the nutty AU-ish thing that actually started because I was riffing on the sweetheart situation and it mutated - there’s a chunk of conversation between The Woman In Black/The Masked Vampirate/The Apprentice [—-> hint, hint, hint: we *can* refer to folks without using a name/nickname] and Dean on this very topic, of what we call others in lieu of their given names. Mini-spoiler: Even though she’s written 3rd person O/C, and even though she does end up as someone’s love interest, you’re never gonna know her name.

Not spoilers, because these stories are already “out there”, you also never learned/will never learn the names of the chicks in Hello, I’m Gone; The Lore You Know; It; The Once Demon Barber From Robintree; A Delicate Desiccation; The Bell-Watcher’s Daughter; A Fluff By Any Other Name; and who friggin’ knows what-all in the stack of quickies I’ve accumulated.

VII. Thoughts On The Examples Given In The Ask

Back to what you said….. and shit, Imma c/p it here, if anybody’s made it this damn far, I won’t ask they scroll up:

All right, in no particular order, just as things hit me…..

It’s about 7:30 a.m. here in Nashland, this is rotten and off the top of my head, but I could totes picture seeing pumpkin in a Halloween fluff, like - something happens with a pumpkin, it’s dropped or she slices open her hand trying to carve it, is like “[something something] and don’t start calling me pumpkin” and he’s like “Nah…. Punk.” ‘Cause, again - he loves a situational riff & he’s a shortener.

Agreed on princess, I co-sign your gut, he’d say it sneery/as a cut-down on someone who’s afraid to dig in, get a little dirt in the skirt on a hunt or something.

Darlin’ is tricky, because Dean’s not Southern/doesn’t have a drawl unless a touch of Jensen slips out…. and honestly, he’s not got much of an accent from what I’ve heard, though remember that’s going through a Dixieland filter, so consider the source. Might I offer a sub for it? See how “doll” works.

Well, honey’s hitting closer to sounding like him. I’d go “hon”, though, RE: being a shortener. “Hey, hon?” is more casual than “Honey”, and “Honey” also might run the risk of popping a reader back to… [forgive the Rocket inclusion]:

Full quote is “Honey, there ain’t no other men like me.”, but y’all knew that. It’s not on the OH HELL NO list for me, Honey/Hon’s definitely a contender.

But speaking of pinging my “OH HELL NO” radar -

[gasps] Oh, Whoozies…. oh my Whatsis…. sugarplum?

[shakes head vehemently]

* UNLESS* Y/N is a violet-hued fairy in ballet slippers, and they are battling a baby-chomping sentient Nutcracker. But even then, he’d call her ‘Plums.

Sweetie… hmmmm….. you know what might be worth a go? “Sweets”. I could hear “Hey, Sweets” coming out of his mouth. If you could figure a way to make it a lesser of two evils, that’s even better, like…. he pats her on the ass and calls her “sweetcheeks” and she’s all “Oh, but no”, so he downshifts to “sweets”.

“Puddin’“….. erm….. My knee-jerk is no. If it were suuuuper situational, perhaps. I’m drawing a blank on what the situation would be, though, because my mind immediately pops to that episode at the spa…. I just….

I’m hearing it in my mind as if somebody was writing a story where it’s basically a re-hash of that episode - Oh but (tee-hee) this time Y/N got the roofied pudding, and now Dean’s gonna drive her nuts never letting her forget it! Tune in for next week’s episode of Supernatural, guest starring Ordinary McTypical-Chick as Puddin’! [/announcer voice] [cue laugh track], and then I’m all……

Round up on the “Give ‘Er A Try” list:

Honey —> sure why not; “hon” may be better

Sweetie —> ehhhh, probably situational; “sweets” could be worth a try

Pumpkin —-> sooooo situational; and if go there, would 100% roll it into “punk”

Darlin’ —> ehhhh; “doll” suggested sub

….and wasn’t mentioned, but unless it works your personal nerves, from my POV, “babe” doesn’t pull me out of the story if it sneaks into Dean’s dialogue, a la “Hey, babe? You already toss some shells into the trunk?”

Nash’s Three Key Pieces Of Advice For Pulling This Off

1. Who is this person on the receiving end of the nickname - know this, and it’ll narrow down your choices;

2. Do it like Dean: if they have a name, go “-y” or shorten it, or take a situation/circumstance and spin it;

and, possibly the most important -

3. Limit, limit, limit

Make your own parameters for amount of times this is happening in a given piece. I’m just throwing #s - like, = 500 = 0, 501 - 1K = 1, 1.1K - 2.5K = 2, something like that. Take away the pressure of it by making “rules” and you’re free to get your brain back to the story.

Because here it is, y’all - and I’ve said this in other posts - the best thing you can do for yourself or for those you beta is to stop after every scene or paragraph or page or “x” amount of words, whatever your pref is, and ask yourself about what you’ve just read/written:

Who cares? - A.K.A.: Is ____ advancing the plot/the interpersonal dynamics, or not?

Regarding non-nickname stuff: Does it matter that we know about her morning routine? That she had oatmeal because she was out of bagels? The make and model of her car? Her co-workers’ names? Her co-workers at all? What her cat is like? What her cat is named? Her cat at all?

And the same applies here: Does an endearment matter in this particular sentence/moment? I care about the relationships between/amongst the characters, how well they’re grooving with each other [or not], how that weaves together, how it’s integral to the plot, how it impacts the action/the task, how it plays into the climax and resolution [or lack thereof].

Is it ideal to have things coming out of the mouths of the characters we all know ring true? Absolutely. And that’s the other “who cares” here: BIG cares if things that are “un-Dean” creep in. As the adage goes: “When in doubt, don’t”.

So, when stuck on this element, figure out something else to do with the sentence…. and I’d start with 86′ing the nickname. Bet you money most of the time, the message of the sentence will read exactly the same.

You got this.

Thanks for the Q, hope I helped in some fashion and that the curses either wane, or perhaps reach new, interesting heights and volumes, depending on the level of said helpfulness.

#Dear Nash #mrswhozeewhatsis #Let me call you sweetheart #Dean's Dream Gal #and what's in a name #gotta know who they are #and what they're about #and what his normal #patterns are in general #you got this #Nash Advises #Writing Tips #Queueby Dooby Doo #Dad's on a blog post and #he hasn't been queued in a few days #ok fine #Endeanments #why not

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