“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.”

— Unknown

My grandmother forgot who I was at dinner earlier. Now given she’s not my biological grandmother, she’s my stepmother’s mom, but I have been calling this woman grandma since I was 7 years old. She would see me and always knew who I was, always asked about school or work or just life in general. This year, she introduced herself to me like we’d never met. And it wasn’t like “who are you?” and I told her and she was like “oh my goodness you look so different” or that she didn’t recognize me at first and then remembered me, she straight forgot my existence. She asked my aunt who I was and she said “That’s John’s daughter” and she came up and introduced herself as “John’s mother in law”. She has always greeted me as she would any of her other grandchildren, but she treated me like a stranger. And I know she’s old, and I know it’s dementia, but damn does it hurt to have someone completely forget who you are, especially someone you consider family, even though they may not be blood related. I didn’t want to upset her so I didn’t say anything about it and just kind of smiled and made small talk and avoided the subject that I’ve known her for 27 years, and at first it really took all my energy not to cry. And then I kind of started avoiding her when she’d walk around, because she introduced herself to me multiple times, and each time hurt just a little more. Even seeing me next to my dad, it didn’t register. She again was like “I’m his mother in law”. He was like, “She knows who you are mom” but it just wasn’t going to register with her. It sucks because it feels like even though she’s still alive, I lost a family member. She will never remember me again. I’m a stranger to her, and fuck that really hurts.

It comes in waves, I close my eyes

Hold my breath and let it bury me

I'm not OK and it's not alright

Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again

Who will fix me now?

Dive in when I'm down?

Save me from myself

Don't let me drown

Who will make me fight?

Drag me out alive?

Save me from myself

Don't let me drown

Still absolutely in love with a fictional character years later.

I thought you said you didn’t read much. Well, what is much?

Yesterday was a rough one. Most days nursing doesn’t drain me as much as yesterday did. Cried at work for the first time in forever. Watched a doctor give a patient a new diagnosis of either liver or pancreatic cancer, and then had to watch this woman and her husband both break down in tears. I had to walk away for a minute. But on top of that, it was a ridiculously busy day and I kept getting like four patients at once. I’m only one person and sometimes it’s like they expect you to split yourself into four people. I’m still drained from it today.

Clementine von Radics, Mouthful of Forevers

Did you sleep last night, and do you remember dreams?

Do I ever cross your mind and do you ever think of me?

When you think about your life, are there things you would reverse?

i really enjoyed your amber heard / johnny depp piece. please write more. thnx

I’m actually shocked anyone read this at all. Thank you.

I have not been inspired to write anything in a really long time, but today I find myself with much to say, or at least many thoughts in my head, which I will now attempt to put into some cohesive form.  This was stemmed from watching bits of the Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard trial.  While I normally have little interest in the ongoings of celebrity lives, this one has gotten my attention.  Albeit, initially started as a biased opinion as I grew up loving Johnny Depp and his work.  However, after watching some of this unfold and seeing some of the testimonies and evidence, I am more and more on the side of Johnny Depp, and while I’m sure no one cares, I’d like to explain why.  Mostly because it’s been in my head and I just want to get it out.

First, I have such a problem with Amber Heard trying to play this “battered woman” card, and act as though she had been innocent in the matter.  As photos and recordings have shown, she was extremely violent towards her husband at the time, Johnny Depp.  And while I do not deny that there was obviously wrongdoing and mistreatment on both of their parts, I very much get the vibe that she was an instigator of many of these fights.  So I have an issue with her playing victim, when clearly there was abuse on both ends, whether verbal or physical.  Women often want to be seen as equal to men, but they make it harder for us to be seen as equal when they want to throw fists at a man and think it’s acceptable, but then cry that they are a victim of abuse if they get injured in the process.  Now obviously I’m going with what is known here, and there is no ACTUAL proof that there was ever a physical attack that I’ve seen.  There is audio of her admitting to hitting him.  At some point in time, a person is bound to defend themselves.  If this were another woman, it would be deemed a fight, and there would not necessarily be a “victim” in the situation, but instead two people who handled themselves poorly.  The person to throw the first blow would be the one technically responsible, if fingers were to be pointed at all.  In this case, it overwhelmingly appears like she was constantly berating her husband, and would get physical, which she admits to doing.  So my problem here is the hypocrisy, because she seems to believe that she should be forgiven because she’s “not perfect” and made mistakes or acted poorly, but she also believes it is okay for a man to lose his career over her painting herself as this damsel in distress who was only under scrutiny because she spoke out about being abused.

I guess my main problem here is that there is a lack of equality here.  This woman did not suffer abuse that was unprovoked, she did not live in fear.  You do not openly attack and berate someone you are in that much fear of.  But, that’s probably speculation, as every situation is different.  This could be debated to no end, but the takeaway I suppose I’m trying to convey is that this was a mutually abusive relationship , with toxic behavior on both ends.  One which both parties have walked away from.  So for her to believe that she is deserving of a career and success and that her ex-husband deserves to be blacklisted as an abuser is absolutely unfair.  Just because she is a woman, does not mean she is a better person in this situation.  She does not deserve recognition as a victim if she does not believe her ex does as well.  They were both victims, they were both aggressors.  There is no black and white here.  The important thing is that they left the toxic relationship behind.  If one deserves a future, so does the other.  

““Deep in my heart I know I am a loner. I’ve tried to blend in with the world and be sociable, but the more people I meet the more disappointed I am. So I’ve learned to enjoy myself, my family, and a few good friends.” - Steven Aitchison”

—

How can she feel both of these things at once? The loveliness of being alive and the knowledge that it can never last? She feels like she has to let one drop in order to really examine the other one, and yet she isn’t sure which one she is supposed to let go of first.

-Janelle Brown, Watch Me Disappear

“Like literature, music can overwhelm you with sudden emotion, can move you to absolute sorrow or ecstasy; like literature, painting has the power to astonish, and to make you see the world through fresh eyes. But only literature can put you in touch with another human spirit, as a whole, with all its weaknesses and grandeurs, its limitations, its pettinesses, its obsessions, its beliefs; with whatever it finds moving, interesting, exciting, or repugnant.”

— Michel Houellebecq, Submission