#i feel like i've gained some genuine self esteem for the first time in my whole life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

imariejoyce · 3 months

Text

The time I fully trust someone…

I started to understand the word love because of my parents. For me, seeing them happy and sweet together makes me fantasize the idea of having a partner when I grow older who will also give me the same vibes as my parents show to their children.

In my upbringing, I became habituated to the impression that the ideal of beauty involved having flawless skin, being perceived as intelligent, and possessing a fair complexion—a complete package. Throughout my adolescence, I consistently felt self-conscious about my appearance, particularly in social settings. I always believe that I fell short of being worthy of appreciation. Comparing myself to other teenage girls only boosted my already low self-esteem. Like many teens of my generation, I grappled with frequent acne breakouts and challenging hair days, leading to heightened insecurities.

I can still recall the times when someone expressed appreciation towards me. It happened during my high school years, a period when cellphones were just gaining popularity. Given the prevailing trend, numerous groups had formed in our school, providing opportunities to connect with students from the same or different year levels. It became a fad to send daily group messages, featuring morning greetings, quotes, and a unique code name at the end. Within this social landscape, there were also gatherings on the school premises where students could interact. It was during one such meetup that I encountered a guy who displayed a genuine interest in getting to know me. We engaged in daily conversations for several months, although our interactions never evolved into a serious relationship because we were still young. Nevertheless, it marked the first time I truly felt valued and appreciated. :)

Upon graduating from high school and entering university, I found myself in a Mutual Understanding (M.U.), a term from my youth. This relationship evolved into my first serious love. Despite my parents' disapproval, we spent a significant amount of time together, adopting a "you and me against the world" setup. Unfortunately, my friends were also opposed to our relationship, citing its abusive nature. In my stubbornness, the relationship persisted for years. Looking back, I believe my persistence stemmed from feeling appreciated and liked in a way I hadn't experienced before. Despite enduring instances of physical abuse, I was blinded by my flawed perception and definition of love during that challenging and tumultuous period.

After making the courageous choice to end the abusive relationship, I found myself raising my walls, making it quite challenging to trust others.

Fast forward. I moved to The Netherlands. Most of my time after my last heartache, it was five years before I started to think about going back to dating again or at least entertain someone who shows interests on me, but still no luck and my trust is still hard to gain. I also had few dates but always ended after few weeks because I am always scared that it might be the same as before. Whenever I see some patterns or red flags, I instantly higher my guard again and slowly stop communicating with them. I got traumatized. In the Philippines, dating apps are stigmatized, leading people to avoid their use. If someone discovers that you've met someone through a dating app, there is an immediate assumption that the relationship is unlikely to endure, or that the person may not be genuine about their identity. Essentially, the prevailing perception is that dating apps are not a reliable means to find a lasting or serious connection.

Years passed by here, while being focus on my career, there was a point when it started to hit me that I am not getting any younger anymore. It was really nice achieving those victories but alone and no one to celebrate every small and big wins with me, it is quite a bit somber. Solitude is different from loneliness, so I really appreciate my time alone, but I've reached a point when I realized that i am now ready to give it a try. Venturing into the idea of dating, it took several encounters before I found my boyfriend. I've come to believe that getting to know someone requires time, as well as a deep understanding of oneself and learning from past experiences before placing complete trust in someone entering one's life. The journey wasn't without its challenges; at times, insecurities and fears about relationships lingered. Nevertheless, I persisted in personal growth, having an open mind and expressing my thoughts openly.

I would argue that effective communication plays a pivotal role in any relationship, as it instills a sense of trust in someone who truly understands. It's reassuring to have a partner who actively listens without dismissing your thoughts, especially when discussing ways to navigate challenges in the relationship. Through this process, I've been able to let down my guard and develop a genuine trust in my partner. Now, after two years together, I'm immensely thankful that, after seven years of focusing on self-growth and readiness, I've found someone to whom I can refer as my home and safe haven.

Just like in the saying... "It takes two to tango."

#love #experience #for keeps #quotes #lovers #self love #love quotes #relationship #feeling #life #travel #museum #improvement #progress

0 notes

grimreapest · 11 months

Text

I am so damn lost at this point.

Like I really don't know what to do.

Do I like them as in qpr like them or is it just

Me being caught off guard by actually having a relationship that could be close to a qpr for the first time

Or me not being able to completely distinguish between platonic and queerplatonic

Or me really wanting a qpr and to find "the person"

Or that feeling of needing to be in a relationship to heal my crippling lack of self esteem, to feel like I'm not unlovable, to feel like I'm deserving and capable of being in a relationship (I know that's like wrong lmao I try to ignore it)

Or me being excited I met another queer person and generally wanting to explore existing in a queer relationship

Or me being really really touch deprived

Or me having so much love stored in me that I rarely had anyone to give to and I just need to give to someone

Or them seeming to care about me and wanting to help with my problems and shit

Or them being understanding and compassionate

Or them liking me which could probably be making me feel like I have to reciprocate

Or them being way too nice to me and saying really nice things and actually like expressing their emotions about me and reassuring me

There's more probably but I can't recall

And most of the stuff that relates to their behaviour towards me I've either experienced rarely or literally never. And meeting someone who's actually nice after such a long time of being traumatised in various ways and denied basic human needs? It makes sense you'd get really attached. Plus I don't want to project or anything but I feel like they've got to relate to some of these and maybe that's why they even like me in the first place. It would make so much more sense. Because I know they relate to some of this and like I refuse to believe when they say they like me they mean like actually, genuinely, head over heels, this is "the one", stomach butterflies kinda like. Or whatever you know what I mean lol like I feel like they can't feel that way about me. They even said we could go back to being friends at any point and they're not upset by me not making a decision, they can't be that into me right. Or is there something else going on. I just don't know

Some people would probably say I'm overthinking. Just go ahead with it and you'll probably have like a great time for a while and then you can just split if it's not right. Maybe it's even necessary to gain some experience and whatnot. But I can't stand the idea of like being so irresponsible with someone's feelings. Because I somehow feel like this isn't meant to be and in the end one of us would have to call it off and I just. I can't. What if I'm right and they do like me because of trauma and stuff and one day they'll realise and feel like they made a mistake liking me? I think maybe I could handle being broken up with but breaking up with someone myself? What if they're the same flavour of traumatised as me, what would happen? I can't like hurt someone like that, someone I care about a lot. Even if it wouldn't really be rejection because they said we could go back to being friends at any point I would still feel like I'm rejecting them and maybe, at the bottom of their heart, they would too.

I have no idea what to do. None whatsoever. I never imagined anything like this would ever happen to me and it's just so much responsibility and I'm so scared. I don't want to do the wrong thing. I don't even know what I really want under all that trauma and neurodivergence and whatever else. Or is that just me and should I start thinking of it as an inevitable part of me that will always be a part of my decisions and opinions. I just don't know what to do and I'm scared I never will.

0 notes

pxrxllel · 1 year

Text

youth (27/03/23)

It took me a few moments to find a name to call this entry by. I'm pretty happy, but that doesn't sum it up. It feels like I'm in the growing and expansion season of my life. I'm learning to be a lot more open-minded and not overthink as much, be more comfortable with discomfort. That's not to say I've thrown my morals and habits out the window, rather that I've relaxed them a little to see where they begin and end.

I am probably the happiest, most hopeful, and most filled with peace that I have ever felt in my life. I've finally gotten all the parts of my life together to the point where I want them. I'm prioritising my own wants and needs and for the first time, I feel like they're important and I matter. Fifteen year old me could have only dreamed about the amount of joy and lightness and fullness I am holding in my chest. I'm surrounded by people who love me, who support me in everything I do, I live with my friends, I like my job, and all of that is something I went a long time without and it's made all the difference.

I genuinely think that people who knew me even 2 years ago wouldn't recognise me now. I have changed so much. I'm so comfortable with who I am now, my self esteem is strong and healthy - to the point where I am probably a little arrogant, to be honest. I genuinely think I am hot shit and deserve to have whatever I want in this world. In saying that I also acknowledge that others are also hot shit, but there's something very powerful about stepping into it and claiming it. I'm not sure why, but throughout my relationship with Jarrod my self-esteem fluctuated so much and I truly felt terrible about myself every so often, but since becoming single I have felt nothing but self-love towards me, even though I have gained a bit of weight. My hot girl mindset is on about 80% of the time and it's the attitude that I have that projects to the world that I have everything together and everything just works out for me.

In terms of relationships, I am loving being single. I have never been so stress-free. I never have to worry about my plans for the week, wondering if my boyfriend even likes me. I love going on dates and meeting new people and taking a peek into their worlds for just a night. I really think I always meant to lean into my young hot girl phase and I'm living it. On a Friday night my Canadian friend comes to visit me in an underground bar and we're entangled before we even leave the place. People, strangers are always telling us we have a vibe going on and it's making me wonder why I've always been with people who I didn't have this much chemistry with. I'm always so hungry for the way he touches me so boldly and tells me how much of a pull I have over him and looks at me like he almost feels something, even though I'm pretty sure he doesn't. I could never, ever fall in love with someone like that, the man is full of red flags, and I think that's the fun of it. I'm letting myself get swept away in the moment, knowing it's a temporary thing, so I may as well enjoy it. I've never felt so wanted in my life than when he laces his arms around my legs, and it honestly reignites a lot of the freshness of how I felt as a teenager.

A big reason why we hang out is I think he represents a version of myself I'm trying to cultivate. I love hearing him talk about the different places he's been and people he's met. I'm starting to get excited about my own adventures, now that I've gotten the ball rolling with sorting out my travel vaccinations and booking some flights. I know that when I book my final flights things are going to get real and I probably will have a meltdown and ask myself why I'm leaving my life here when things are finally good and happy. But I'm reminded of The Good Place and how eternal happiness cannot and shouldn't be the final destination. I don't know what it is and there's no guarantees I'll find out, but it'd be cool if I did. Not going to lie, the meaning-obsessed part of me is going to be pretty disappointed if all I learn is that there is no meaning and it's all for nothing. I don't actually believe that, but it's curious to me that the purpose is to just keep moving and if there is no final destination.

0 notes

demilypyro · 3 years

Text

I've been on this website for 10 years. I was led here by some artists making My Little Pony stuff at the time. Before that I hung out on Newgrounds, making crappy Flash animations. I was just a kid. People assumed I was a girl. I didn't correct them. Eventually I started leaning into it. But there was no realization at the time, I just felt like I was lying. I slowly gained an audience over the years by discussing games and tv shows, making fandom content, video edits, AMVs.

Six years passed until I worked up the courage to come clean. It was the year I entered college. I'd made a lot of friends over those years who only knew me as the fake identity I'd set up. I lost a number of those when I came clean. I thought if I came clean I could finally be more genuine. So I publicly announced that I was actually male...

It sucked. I'd lost the one place where I could escape my male life.

I transitioned a year later.

I'd streamed now and then before I transitioned, but it was never serious. Putting my male voice out there was gross, and my self esteem was too low to think anyone would enjoy my streams. Once I started voice training, I began streaming regularly in earnest, to practice my voice. I was too uncomfortable with using a face cam, so I found what would later come to be known as vtubing software. Me using an avatar, merely a default model that came with the software at the time, predated the 2020 vtuber craze by a whole year.

I noticed, however, people were tuning in. Not many at first, but it was there. I put work into upping the production value, investing what little money I had into art assets, hardware, and a wider range of games to play. And I commissioned art and rigging for the avatar I've been using for over a year now.

I'm... in a better place now, generally, than any time in the last 10 years. My history is tightly intertwined with this website and the content I've put out here, through years of different fandoms and types of media. Entertaining others is what I love, and pursuing it is what has gotten me through the harrowing experience of my original puberty. And now it feels like I'm finally doing what I should be.

... I dunno, I get overthinky when I'm sick in bed.

#long post #soz

265 notes · View notes

nitw · 3 years

Note

Can you explain what you mean with misinterpreting Chara? I've always been confused about that character and you seem to have a pretty solid read you alluded to in that post about Snowgrave.

of course!!! as your local chara defender since the ripe age of 13 i hope you don't mind me doing a small essay on this. please bear with me tho because i sometimes can't articulate my thoughts well on stories that deal with philosophical themes ;;

UHHH SPOILERS FOR UNDERTALE AND DELTARUNE CHAPTER 2 BELOW

first let me make a few things clear so i don't have to repeat myself a bunch:

only tobias radiation fox himself has The Word of God privilege when it comes to things that haven't been explicitly confirmed in the games yet, EVEN if they're strongly hinted at. don't take anything i say about the plot as more than firm personal interpretation based on the info we have right now!

i cannot stress this one enough: undertale is a game that was never meant to be experienced from a singular perspective/mindset. the genocide route doesn't JUST exist for the sake of "enjoy your personalized edgy fuck-you run for being a serial killer in a video game", every one of the total 93 endings (look it up) in this game exists to reflect the player who achieved it in one way or another. the genocide route is really no different from any of the others, because in the end, no matter what, the player who decided to go through with the things they did will ALWAYS be rewarded for it. the question the player will have to ask THEMSELF afterwards is "is this what i wanted?"

OK MOVING ON-

let's think back to the little but vital amount of info we have on who chara actually was, like, as a person. we know pretty much all of this due to 1) the tapes in the royal lab 2) asriel's additional dialogue at the end of true pacifist.

while we'll never really know why frisk fell into the underground, asriel tells us explicitly about chara's hatred for humanity, and how they jumped from mt. ebott for "not a very happy reason"; supposedly a suicide attempt. chara "never talked about why", it's left intentionally vague because their reasoning isn't really what matters. what DOES matter is how this is relevant to the genocide run, ESPECIALLY with the new obvious parallels in deltarune's snowgrave route. i'll get to that.

when you finish the genocide route, chara will talk directly to the player in person. they talk about your (you AND chara's) success, despite "their plan (having) failed". this "plan" is one they secretly made with asriel when they were both still alive, as revealed from the tapes. chara got terminally poisoned from eating buttercups (whether this was fully intentional or not is still kiiinda up for debate), and while on their deathbed, asriel says that he doesn't like the plan anymore. yet despite his fear, he still fused his soul to chara's when they died.

the actual plan here was to become a monster powerful enough to slaughter humanity, specifically chara's home village by their own dying request - this all ties into their mysterious spite and hatred mentioned before. but due to asriel's resistance against chara, their fused body was killed by the humans - which eventually led to the creation of flowey, and asriel's inner demons after death.

but back to the genocide route. during chara's monologue to the player, they give us a LOT of important exposition. basically:

at the very start of the game, frisk's own determination is literally what brought chara's soul 'back to life'. we know how human and monster souls are different and how "determination" in this universe is something only humans possess, so it makes sense why it awakened them. i won't get into the whole narrator theory because i feel like it's not that relevant to my point (it's fun tho), but chara is always present from the moment frisk falls down, and stays regardless of the player's actions.

if you managed to finish undertale at all you'll already kinda know this (thanks sans), but the EXP and LV you (can) gain throughout your journey aren't just numbers on your screen - they're genuine in-universe manifestations of power that increase when you kill someone. and in genocide, chara explains how they were directly affected every time your stats rose. they could FEEL their spirit growing stronger for every life you decided to take (REMINDER THAT THE GENOCIDE ROUTE CAN BE PERMANENTLY STOPPED AT ANY POINT BEFORE SANS. YOU DID THIS.), so is it really that strange that they felt the desire to grow even stronger?

and once you do reach this point, there's no return. all that excessive time and effort you put into killing off a civilization OBVIOUSLY has some consequences. the consequences HERE being - if you paid attention to chara's life story - you took advantage of a traumatized child who was already at the breaking point and making irrational choices on their own, and you led them to believe that this was what they needed!

this is VERY MUCH SUPPORTED by the snowgrave/weird/pipis/whatever route of deltarune chapter 2 that was discovered about 2 days ago as i'm writing this. i'm gonna go ahead and assume you know what happens in it and i don't care to go into details if you don't, since this post is about chara, but surprise: THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED TO NOELLE, TOO! even in a completely normal run, noelle makes it clear multiple times that she wouldn't mind staying in the dark world; that in spite of how scary and dangerous it seems at times (something something horror movies), she started to feel at home. POSSIBLY even more so than her ACTUAL HOME, with her dying dad and negligent mom. like chara, noelle is a young person with low self esteem and her fair share of trauma, even if it's not as apparent. and like in the genocide run, the player's desire to ruthlessly kill in order to grow stronger affected her already-poor mental state.

someone else already pointed this out specifically, so don't credit me for it, but the main difference between chara and noelle is that noelle managed to break free in the end.

if you're like Most People Who Played The Genocide Route Back In Like 2016 and you played the genocide route with no further knowledge about it than "i have to follow these specific steps to get a harder fucked up version of the game", i don't blame you. you didn't actually know what you were doing in the end, did you? but did the outcome disappoint you, make sense to you, or did it just leave you with an empty/confused feeling? i love undertale because it WILL force you to think about things like that. i mean, if the result wasn't gonna affect you in SOME way, why would you go through all of that trouble in the first place? you had your reasons, as the player of any video game where you know your choices matter. would you have carried out the entire thing if you knew what was coming? the answer to that is only relevant to yourself.

#i'm EXHAUSTED girl.#asks #chara #ut #undertale #dr #deltarune #noelle holiday #dr spoilers #deltarune spoilers

65 notes · View notes

earthxangell · 2 years

Note

I'm sorry this is so late but I wanted to leave a genuine feedback behind not just a thank you :)

FEEDBACK

I loved the bluntness and the honesty in your answer. I feel content because I got an answer instead of sugar coated hope. Thank you for that.

It’s not to torture you or to make you suffer and be miserable - it’s simply because you’re not ready to have a relationship right now.

True. I'm not ready. The reason why I seek relationships is because I'm bored and need some thrill right now. Also commitments scare me.

you have difficulty letting people in

major trust issues and low self esteem. It connects with my own readings. The thing is I nedd to gain my confidence back to make such major moves again. Also it aligns with my life purpose. I dream big things but lack the courage to execute the plan.

If someone had a bad relationship experience, it doesn’t mean that the same will happen for you.

My teenage years were spent with a friend who had many failed relationships. Her story scares me and subconsciously I'm scarred because of her experiences.

expressing yourself and sharing your voice, your truth and your soul with others.

I get the same thing all the time. I know its for my betterment but sometimes I get lost in this world of illusions. Also I agree with you when you said our energy is sacred. People often use me to get things done. I'm still learning how to say no but this year I have started making my boundaries clear to the people.

come out of the cave and show yourself to the world.

YESSSSS. I've been sleeping on my talents for toi long. Thank you fir this. I need to show the world my talents now.

I feel like you have to move somewhere in order to meet your soulmate and change your life in general.

True. Its nearly impossible near my parents house. university is filled with jerks. Also I've plans to move to a different country after uni so thank you so much for this :

Desire to move somewhere, to change your scenery.

Also the last message 🥲

Maybe you care about the feelings of others more than for your own.

Curse of an empath. Some people can be so draining sometimes? Just a conversation with them and i feel like getting an iv. I agree with your message. Fill your own cups first

Thank you so much anita for this beautiful reading. It was an eye opener and beautifully approved from my spirit team. Ita hard to see such an unbiased reading on tumblr. You were not rude with the messages, just understanding. It means a lot to me.

I'll be forever grateful for you guidance. I hope you have a beautiful week ahead <3

Oh. My. God. Thank you so much for leaving such detailed and thoughtful feedback, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly, I'm so happy and relieved that my reading not only resonates with you but also was approved by your Spirit team. It's totally okay that you took your time to process this and write your feelings about the messages that I've channeled for you, there's no need to apologize! Again, thank you so so so much, I wish you all the best on your jorney and have a nice week as well! Take care <3

#reviews

3 notes · View notes

ramblingaboutthings · 4 years

Text

The stars | James Potter

Pairing: James Potter x Reader

Word count: 2.7k (the longest I've ever written UwU)

Warnings: curse words because my Italian self doesn't have self control in this kind of things lmao. Also a little amount of angst and FLUFFFFFFFF.

A/N: I'm actually alive and I'm so proud of this, I hope you'll like it too!!

Summary: you think you could never stand a chance with James Potter but little do you know, he's just oblivious to the fact that he has stronger feelings than simple friendly love toward you.

The day had begun in the best way, you’d gotten an excellent mark in divination that you somehow found really difficult and boring. Then you went to have lunch, like, you were absolutely starving.

You’d usually sit with the marauders but today you weren’t in the mood. You sat with your group of friends instead.

You sat right beside Lily and you were talking about something you weren't really interested in, she giggled as she muttered something about Severus and blushed lightly.

You smiled widely when you realized that maybe she was starting to develop feelings.

Then your eyes traveled around the table only to find James already staring in your direction, well in Lily's direction actually. A piece of your heart shuttered.

"Y/n! Are you even listening?" Lily laughed and you shook your head.

"Sorry Lils I got caught up in my thoughts" you answered, suddenly feeling awkward.

"You like that idiot" she pointed out, smiling softly.

Your eyes widened at her statement, you looked back between her and James before looking away, suddenly finding the slytherin table interesting. You tried to change the subject, starting with the homework you had to do but Lily wouldn't budge.

"You like him don't you?" She asked again gaining a huff from you.

"Maybe, I mean he's cute, he's funny but he likes you not me. Who'd even like me? Look at me!" You said, feeling the tears that managed to escape from your eyes, on your face.

Lily smiled sadly.

"You'll never quit with that low self esteem, will you? You're beautiful, clever and if he doesn't like you for who you are then fuck him Y/n/n" she reassured you.

You looked again towards James, this time he was actually staring at you and as soon as he met your gaze he smiled mouthing a "why aren't you sitting with us?".

You shrugged "I'll see you later" you mouthed back.

Meanwhile Lily's beautiful smile now became a playful smirk." I think at least one time he has thought about the fact that he likes you, and not me" you gave her a small shake of your head, signaling her to stop. She just tilted her head to the side while you went back to your staring session. Eyes still watery.

“hey.” Sirius hit Remus lightly in the chest. “Look at Y/n.”

Remus followed his friend’s gaze, and his eyes widened when he saw you staring at James, furiously wiping at the tears rolling down your cheeks. You try to avoid their gaze, but they'd already noticed you “y/n, what happened?” Sirius mouthed, brown eyes searching yours with concern.

"Nothing" you answered.

“whats up?" James asked his two friends, noticing the worry in their faces. Then he met your gaze and crossed his arms, looking away, with an angry expression. Angry? Why would he be angry at you? You frowned.

You saw Sirius come up to you “Who do I need to beat up?” he asked.

You sniffled and rolled your eyes up to the ceiling, laughing dryly. “No one.”

“it's Prongs. Isn't it?”

"I said I'm fine Black!" you spatted.

“Hang on, (y/n), firstly you never said tha–”

“Y/n!” James’ cheerful voice called from behind you, and your eyes widened in surprise. “What’s up?” he asked, stopping next to you with a grin. That grin fell, however, when he noticed your red eyes and wet cheeks. He reached for you and inquires in a soft voice: “y/n, what’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing. I’ll see you guys later.” And, with that, you stepped past the two boys and disappear.

James’ wide eyes found Sirius’s. “Who do I need to beat down?” he asks gravely.

Sirius shook his head, lips pressed into a thin line. “Prongs, you are that stupid, you could fail a test on yourself.” He walked past James, bumping his shoulder against his as he went, and stormed off in the opposite direction you ran away to.

“James Potter!”

Despite his now sad mood, James’s head couldn't help but lift at the sound of Lily’s angry voice coming from beside him. “Ah, Lily” He smiled broadly and spun around, only to meet a hard slap to his left shoulder.“Ow–hey! What the fuck was that for?” he asked placing a hand on the spot she'd slapped him.

Lily gritted her teeth and poked a finger on his chest. “You, James Potter, are a real asshole.”

“What did I–”

“You need to stop chasing after me, I don't like you and I never will and think about the real girl you're in love with instead! Everyone has noticed James” the redhead hissed before running after you. Leaving James quite confused.

She found you on your bed, staring at the many sky maps you hung on your wall. She knew you'd been crying again.

"Y/n, he'll realize how good you are sooner or later" she whispered approaching you.

You rolled your eyes.

"As if" you laughed darkly.

Lily giggled "y/n, do you realize that with all those protective manners toward you, he can't see you only as a friend?"

"Can you stay with me? We don't have classes this afternoon, we could just chill here" you almost pleaded changing the subject of the discussion.

Lily smiled softly and nodded before jumping on your bed.

One hour later, the marauders were all reunited in their own dorm room. James was thinking about what Lily had said some moments before, but actually the real thing he couldn't bring himself to stop thinking about was your sad face. This image was like printed inside of his mind.

"Prongs, we're heading off to Y/n and Lily's room, do you want to come?" Remus asked suddenly.

James slowly nodded his head, now all he wanted to do was comfort you, all he wanted was to look into your eyes and make you smile, because it was like his favourite pastime, making you smile was like recieving a gift. You were a gift, a gift that the world decide to give him.

"James?" Remus snapped him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah coming"

They sneakily made their way to the girls dorm, and when they finally got inside, you were done crying and was laughing at something that Lily'd said. James smiled at the scene.

"Hey girls! Y/n was in a bad mood so we decided to lift your spirits" Sirius exclaimed.

You gasped, as you didn't even hear the door open. Then your eyes met James' hazel ones.

"hey Y/n/n, is everything alright?" He asked you as he made his way to your bed.

"Yup, much better now" you instinctively hugged him, even though he was the cause of her previous sadness.

He smiled inhaling your scent and you did the same thing.

He sat on the bed and you laid on his lap.

The rest of the people smiled at each other with knowing looks.

You, oblivious to the many glances, quickly fell asleep lulled by James' heartbeat.

Lily rolls her eyes to the ceiling. “Merlin’s beard! You like her! Leave me the hell alone!" Lily whisper yelled.

"What are you talking about, Evans?" He asked, genuine confusion covering his face.

"You like your best friend, we've all noticed except you. Open your eyes, Prongs” And, with one last groan of frustration, Sirius knocked some sense into James

It hit him like a train, he liked you! Of course he did, how could've he been so dense? He'd actually liked you for a long time, every time you blushed, he smiled. Every time you would kiss him on the cheek, he'd even lightly blush.

Did you like him? He asked himself as his gaze settled on your graceful sleeping face. He would have never thought about it if Sirius hadn’t literally knocked the fact into his head. He finds himself going through all of his memories of you. You even gave him, -your crush- advice on how to win another girl over.

Oh, he really was stupid.

"Fuck, does she even like me back?" He whispered, gaining weird looks from Lily and Sirius which were seriously questioning his intelligence.

"Why do you think she was mad? She saw you staring in my direction, and all her hopes went down really quick" Lily explained with a hint of exasperation in her voice.

"I wasn't staring at you Lily, I was making sure she was okay, I didn't even notice the tears but I somehow knew something was off" James admitted.

Sirius giggled followed by Remus.

"I told you, you are some new kind of stupid" James stuck out his tongue at Sirius.

"I'm not stupid, just quite oblivious"

They continued to talk, not about you, but they kept whispering things to each other, trying not to wake you up.

Your cat -that you named Rigel after the star in your favorite constellation, Orion- jumped on the bed and curled up beside James. He liked him just as much as you did, and it made the boy laugh everytime you told him. But even that thing now made sense, you really loved him, like in the actual meaning of the word.

He slowly started to get uncomfortable in the position he was in, but he couldn't risk to wake you up, so he just stayed still, cuddling Rigel and still chatting with the others.

You woke up only two hours later, your hair sticking to your face. When you looked up as you rubbed your eyes, you blushed as the realization of who you had fallen asleep on, hit you.

“y/n?”

James’s grip around you tightened but you got up and took a few steps away from him. The sun now shone right on you, like it was some kind of sign for James, as if for the first time, he realized the fascinating way in which your eyes sparkled in the warm sunlight. “hey guys” you whispered.

The boy shakes his head and his eyes traveled around the room before setting back on you “I think we need to talk Y/n". You slightly panicked.

The others in the room smiled "we're going uhm- see you later" Remus announced awkwardly before they quickly walked out of the room.

“Then what do you want?” you ask, finally turning to face him. Your eyes were tired when they meet his and, even though they were still red from crying, at that moment, their beautiful e/c finally managed to make him fully realize the amount of love he felt for you. “Because if you’re here to tell me you are in love with Lily again, I don’t want to hear it.”

James shook his head. “I’m not here to say that.”

You blink in surprise. “Then what are you here to say?” you whisper.

James takes a deep breath and looks out of the small window. “Honestly, if it wasn't for Remus, Sirius and Lily I would've never realized but I like you Y/n/n. And I know you like me too” You studied him for a moment, not able to read his expression, and after a few moments of trying, you gave up with a sigh and looked away just before he spoke “I know I’ve hurt you, and I’m sorry.”

You closed your eyes and shook your head. “Jam–”

“No, let me talk please.” He took my hand and shifted his body so he was facing you. “I’ve been so hung up on Lily that I haven't realized it was you I was only staring at, you're the only girl I give a fuck about. And I know I have been oblivious lately but I hope you’ll still give me a chance.”

The awkward silence nearly caused James a heart attack, and he sighed in relief when you looked up at him shyly. You'dnever been embarrassed in front of him but your feelings were now too exposed.

“I don’t want you to do this just because you found out. I don’t want a pity-date, James” you admitted quietly.

He shook his head. "It’s a you-are-my-best-friend-and-i-have-liked-you-since-4th-year date love.” you shivered at the nickname.

You pursed your lips and stared at him him intensely. His eyes shone through his glasses with nothing but honesty, and your heart fluttered in your chest. He was just offering you something with no tricks...Well that's new.

“Alright, Potter.” you smiled at him, still not fully realizing he liked you back.

James grinned sheepishly as he took your hand in his. “after dinner, I'll pick you up and the rest is a surprise”

You nodded and snuck closer to him, feeling his breath on your forehead. You liked the feeling he gave you, staying this close together. You felt his heart beating at a rate -a really fast rate- that matched yours.

"We should go to the others" James broke the silence, and you nodded in agreement.

You walked hand in hand through the halls of the school until you found the rest of the marauders and Lily sitting on the grass of the middle courtyard.

"Hey guys " Remus grinned at you two and when they noticed your intertwined hands. they all smirked.

"Have you got something to say?" Lily asked.

You blushed brightly and buried your face in James' chest while he wore his signature smirk.

"I asked her on a date" Lily squealed in response.

"Oh Merlin! I have to get you ready! When is it?" She asked excitedly.

James took that as a further confirmation of his dead feelings for the redhead, and he kissed your forehead as if he wanted to reassure you.

"Tonight and It's a surprise actually" James announced.

He held you like you were some kind of rare thing that could break at any moment, and you loved it.

You stayed like that untill it was time to go to dinner.

The great hall was already full of students and you decided, along with Lily, to sit with the marauders, so you could stay with James.

You sat across from him and you really tried not to stare at him, but you couldn't, it was stronger than you, and he of course noticed.

"Like what you see y/l/n?" You gasped at his sudden question, but still mimicked his smirk.

"Actually, yes"

The marauders started to fake their disgust while Lily laughed.

"Since when are you that bold Y/n?" Lily asked.

"I don't know, he just gets on my nerves sometimes" you answered grinning widely.

And you spent all dinner exchanging looks and bold remarks from you that left almost everytime James speechless.

"Go put something comfortable, I'm taking you somewhere you'll like" James said at the end, placing a kiss on your nose "be ready in 10, I'll pick you up from your room" he finished.

As soon as you got to your dorm, you suddenly felt nervous and started to search for something to put on, and you opted for a gryffindor hoodie and leggings just in time.

"Are you ready?" James asked after knocking at the door, in response you opened it.

"Let's go then" he took your hand as you walked toward the highest tower of the castle, you couldn't hide your smile as you walked up the stairs of the astronomy tower.

"Is this too simple? I mean I know you love space and all but maybe-"

"This is perfect Jamie, this is the idea I had of my first date, I love it" you interrupted him.

You sat on the floor and looked up.

"That is Orion, and there is Rigel, my cat" you chuckled as you explained pointing to the star.

"Right on the horizon you can spot Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky" James smiled while your eyes lightened up, they'd always sparkle when you started talking about space, and he could listen to you for hours.

"What star is that?" He asked pointing to a very bright spot in the sky.

"That's Venus James" you laughed playfully.

"How was I supposed to know?" He pouted.

When you looked at him you noticed how close you were, you could feel his breath on your lips.

His gaze traveled from your eyes to your lips and before you could even think straight he kissed you putting his hands on your waist he held you closer and closer until he lost his balance and fell on the ground, you on top of him.

He laughed breathlessly as you just laid your head on his chest.

"I think I'm in love with you" you suddenly said, as a bright blush crept onto your face.

"I know I'm love with you Y/n".

#james potter x reader #james potter #james potter x y/n #james potter x you #marauders era #marauders fic #sirius #sirius black #remus #remus lupin #lily evans

144 notes · View notes

zero2heroyesindeed · 5 years

Text

Amphibia tells a story that everyone needs to see.

I just got done watching the first two episodes (I count segments as episodes) of Amphibia and I was expecting it to be a good show that would follow the trend of cute story with mystical elements that will pull the rug out from under us by season 1's end and rip our hearts out. I was not expecting Best Fonds. This episode is personal to me in ways no cartoon has been before.

Back when they first showed the teaser I was expecting the big gut punch to simply be Anne missing her friends and her world simply because of this shot in the intro. I wish I could've known just how wrong I was.

Now when I look at this photo I see an image all too familiar to me. Anne is the one putting the most effort into this friendship being the only one grinning to the camera. Her closed eyes may represent how oblivious she is to the fact her best friends have just been using her this whole time.

I know that look because that was (and slightly still is me). I used to have a best friend back when I first started school and we stayed that way till the beginning of high school. By that point I was the only one truly invested in the relationship and was doing everything I could to try and keep it alive instead of letting go and moving on. He realised this and began using me for his own personal gain, acting like my friend only when it was convenient for him. Eventually I realised what was happening and severed ties with him all together. Unfortunately by then the damage had been done. Somehow I had convinced myself it was my fault and because of that I can't have a normal friendship without wondering if they actually like me, if I'm just not good enough for them or if I even deserve to have real friends. I've gotten a lot better in the past two years since leaving high school but these thoughts still linger in my mind and terrify me.

This is why Anne's story feels so personal to me. She has spent who knows how long trying to please people who only keep her around only to use her. It's messed up her mind and given her the wrong idea of what friendship is. Then in Best Fronds she said something utterly heart breaking.

Anne is in this whole mess because her "friends" forced her to go along with something she didn't want to do. And now in this strange world, she is finding real friends who genuinely like her which is such an uplifting thing to watch. Anne's journey is that of self discovery. She has to realise she has been manipulated by her so called friends which has given her low self esteem even if she doesn't quite realise yet. And with the help of real friends she can hopefully start to fix some of the damage done to her.

“If a friend likes a pencil case, you get it for them. If your friend likes your new shoes you give them to her. And if your friends want you to steal a crazy music box from a thrift store, even though you really don’t want to, you do it, okay? 'Cause if you don’t, they might not want to be your friend anymore”

Amphibia is teaching kids about recognising who their real friends are and helping them avoid these situations in the most realistic way i've seen a show portray this issue (at least so far) while also showing people who have gone through this cycle that things can and will get better. This is such an important story and I'm so happy it's finally being told in a respectful way because I wish I had this show when I was growing up.

I can't wait to see where this show is going cause I can already tell it's going to be one of my favourites shows of all time.

#disney channel #disney's amphibia #anne boonchuy #sprig planter #polly plantar #hop pop #sasha

182 notes · View notes

lanceville · 6 years

Note

Hello, I really want to get this out of my mind, so I hope I do not bother you, if I bother you please ignore me, ok this will be long. I saw one of your previous answers, where you say that you feel different or with a weird mood, I've also been feeling weird, and I've been thinking about things that really stress me, I'm in a mood so pessimistic and depressing that I come crazy and terrible ideas about many things (part1)

one of those strange thoughts is this: LM and JDS have said (or so I’ve heard correct me if I’m wrong) that they do not want to talk much to avoid surprises about the plot of the following seasons … so I came this horrible thought. if they for example do not want to ruin the surprise about Klance by becoming a canon, Why do they talk so much about them? (part2)

why they give the fans so many hopes and make them believe that they will become canon if they want it to be a “surprise”?. then my pessimistic thoughts lead me to this, the surprise is not klance becoming canon, the surprise will be that another ship either All//ance, K and R or even worse She//ith is the one that will become canon. So if I’m not bothering you I’d appreciate it if you answered this, I’m sorry for bothering you with this stupidity (last part)

it’s alright bro, i gotchu.

first, it’s true that lm and jds and known to be super secretive about the plot and upcoming events, and they have been vague about lance’s and keith’s relationship until this interview. there are instances were they were talked about them in a romantic context several times too but i’m just gonna focus on this video for now. there are two reasons that they have decided to openly talk about it like that:

1. they were approached specifically by the author of this article to hear out what they think about the “science behind shipping,” since they’re the executive producers of the show with the most popular ship on the internet.

2. they’ve realized it’s necessary to keep avoiding klance at this point. the klance fandom is huge, and no matter how much they try hide who the endgame will be or even sway us a little bit from it, the klance fandom only grows each time. they never expected klance to gain such a huge fanbase so quickly and for the fans to pick up on the hints that easily. it was as if they were still in shock and denial that their endgame surprise has been exposed, but there’s no use denying it at this point. they know we’ll forever believe in the ship, so since everything’s exposed, they don’t see why they can’t engage with the fans about them. if it is really not the endgame ship, they would’ve tried to do more damage control to not break the hopes and fail the expectations of the fans later, but they only spoke positively about klance in that video.

and don’t allow yourself to think that, annonie. i know that it’s really worrying because of how little keith and lance have interacted in the past few seasons, but that does not mean in any way that their relationship has regressed. season six especially was the very definition of intense, and there was barely any time for keith to interact with any of the other paladins besides shiro. keith, especially, was under a lot of pressure, and they were all stressed. but now since everything’s calmed down and keith’s finally back on the team, things will get better. have faith.

(gonna put the rest under read more bc this has tuned way longer than expected)

and about other ships becoming canon, you can rule that idea out by the process of elimination.

keith/romelle and keith/allura are never gonna happen. you know why?

the endgame is between two main characters (”characters who have been present since the beginning″ aka the paladins). romelle isn’t

keith and allura have only ever interacted in what would seem like (but it isn’t) a romantic fashion in s2, and it was just bc of keith’s heritage. even though it’s kinda disappointing since i’d like to see more of their friendship, they’ve barely interacted with each other outside of missions. there’s no way they’re gonna develop romantic feelings for each other when neither has shown interest in the other.

literally

also dude keith’s clearly not straight. no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, the man isn’t. one look at him is enough to know that.

biggest proof is allura, a gorgeous space princess who everybody swoons over, falling right into his arms and him not even blinking a goddamn eye. his indifferent expression still cackles me tbh.

also, it’s known that the endgame involves lance, so if it’s a ship that does not include lance, then nah it’s not happening.

not gonna even bother with why shiteihaha will never become canon in a bazillion realities because it’s ridiculously clear as to why to those who have at least 2 functional brain cells. don’t even let that idea cross your mind.

this leaves us with all//ance. tbh, it did have a chance of becoming canon up until s5. but dude, after watching s6, i was like “did they just really kill this ship.” all//ance is really cute and sweet, and i wouldn’t have minded it becoming canon since both allura and lance really care about each and i loooooooooove their friendship so goddamn much. but this is the thing. what allura and lance have is friendship. they both were really good friends up until the writers decided to bring lance’s crush back from the bottomless pits for drama’s sake. lance’s crush on allura is so valid man. he truly does like her. but the thing that killed the ship wasn’t this; it was the whole love triangle drama. allura fell in love with lotor and never requited lance’s feelings even when she knew about them, meaning she does not view lance that way, and it’s her right - she can like whoever she wants. the writers said that romance will happen naturally in the show. if allura would ever reciprocate lance’s feelings, she would’ve at least displayed some signs of that at this point. she got to know lance and see some of his greatest moments. she even got to experience what lance dying would feel like, yet she still didn’t develop any romantic feelings towards him. if feelings of loss and grieve didn’t make her realize how important lance is to her romantically, then that’s because there are no romantic feelings present in the first place. it would not make sense at all for her to develop feelings for him later on. she cares deeply about him as a friend, and romantic love is not some upgraded form of friendship love - it’s a totally different type of the same class, and that’s what she feels about him.

it would be utterly cruel and unfair for both if they end up together after the shit that has happened in s6. allura would never find a lotor in lance, and lance would always feel inferior if he gets with allura because he know’s he’s no lotor - that he isn’t who she wants (lance is much better than all the boys in the entire universe and whoever has him is literally the luckiest person ever but this is not the point so moving on). allura’s feelings for lance would not be genuine, which would make allura feel bad because she would never want to make lance feel like a rebound or a second choice. lance, on the other hand, really likes allura, and being the helplessly selfless person he is, would accept to be allura’s rebound while being fully aware of it and accepting his fate as a second choice which, god, would take a heavy fricking toll on his already bad self-esteem issues. seriously man, every time i think about them getting together after s6, their relationship is just full of heartbreak and hurt, and i don’t want either of them to feel like that because they don’t deserve it. even the showrunners admitted that them getting together right after would be a disservice to both of them. i fucking love them both and their friendship so much and i don’t want anything to ruin it.

i wanna also elaborate on another point. if you’ve noticed, allura and lance shared a couple scenes that paralleled klance’s but they’re slightly more romantically-coded (the scene might seem this way but since allura has 0 romantic interest in lance it ain’t, but anyway). the reason i think they included such parallels is to tell the audience that, “if you see those a///rance scenes as romantic, then those previous klance scene were meant to be romantic as well :)” as i mentioned before, the writers were quite surprised we have picked up on klance pretty quickly and early. since they might’ve thought we wouldn’t, they might’ve thought “something” was needed to hint at where they’re planning on taking klance’s relationship, and that “something” is all//ance. but unlike all/urance’s scenes (especially the dying lance moment which resembled the bonding moment) where the romantic interest is one-sided, the similar feelings in klance’s scenes are reciprocated by both parties (bonding!!!! moment!!!!).

now then, guess which ship we’re left with!!!!! yup! it’s klance. i could go on and on and on and on about how they!!! are!!! gonna!!! be!!! canon!!! but i’ve seriously spoken too much (and i cant feel my fingers anymore erfberk) and i don’t even know if you even have read it all the way to end bc ik i’m quite boring when i explain stuff ebjrvkebr but!!! seriously dude. just go rewatch s3. that’s all the confirmation you need of their budding romance. they have some of the most trope-y romantic scenes. and dude, i say all that but, whatever happens, i will forever believe that there’s no better ship in this show than klance. nothing will surpass it.

edit: gonna just add the petty ask i sent voltron (that i knew they were never gonna answer but i had to send it nonetheless bc i needed to let the salt inside me out somehow lmao) because it’s succinct and summarizes what i said above lmao

#uhhhhh this turned REALLY long actually.... rip........#i'm sorry for replying late! i just needed to choose the right day to allot some time to replying to this properly #hope i could ease your worry a bit????#mp #analysis #klance #anon #asks

94 notes · View notes

brainriotdump · 2 years

Text

Is it normal to have doubts about getting married?

Listen, I know relationships take a lot of effort and work. I'm happy but I don't know if I'm happy..

Would I be better off alone? Or just keep up the facade to make life easier.. (financial support).

I still want another baby too. We've been together 4 years but there's still times where things don't feel right. He's only my second person ever.. I mean sometimes people are with one person for life! I don't know. I struggle a lot with self sabotage so I know sometimes I don't think the clearest. Wedding is in July.. but I can't help myself second guessing. Sometimes it seems like maybe we aren't meant to be despite everyone saying we are a perfect couple. In most ways though we are pretty ideal. He's genuinely a good dad, I fully believe I got "lucky" there. I know some women do everything for the kid but I'd say we are very much 50/50 when we are home (besides me breastfeeding but I really don't mind since I can be on my phone while doing that && he's very helpful if I do need anything done!!) Like I'd genuinely say in comparison to what other women I know.. yikes I have it way good! And I recognize that for sure. It's just..

This man has traumatized me in the past and though we've discussed it, there are still times where my body itself cannot move on from it. However I've also done bad shit in the relationship.. so it really goes both ways. I 100% do take accountability on my negative impact towards the relationship too.

My doubts may be more than normal, but I need to trust that he's fully ready and knows what we're getting into. I have a hard time accepting that somebody could look past all of my "flaws" enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me!! However with that being said it's due to the *mental Illnesses & trauma* that I have such a low self esteem. My parents really didn't come thru for me often.. I've kind of been conditioned to believe I am a burden.

Which goes back to me wanting to distance myself from EVERYONE THAT LOVES ME AHAHAA cuz like.. bruh why me I don't deserve love pls stop perceiving me.. lol

Anyway, I'm kinda glad I started this diary type account. It might help me in therapy when words get hard.

Today was actually good though!! I finished the first color on my diamond art, did some dishes, took Junie outside to play for the first time in the grass.. ugh it was genuinely a beautiful day man. I cooked a good dinner! I discovered that there's a new season of Close Enough too! Which Trent and I plan to continue possibly tomorrow. I also got McDonald's and didn't really hate myself for spending the money.. probably because I got a bunch of free sauce AND THE BIG MAC WAS FREE TOO WHOOP WHOOP! lol wow reflecting on today really made me calm down about what I was upset about. Which was trying to explain autism to Trent lmao.

It came up due to a TikTok I watched about "quirks" of it & I laughed because I related to EVERY SINGLE ONE. Listen. TikTok is probably so terrible but it's not at the same time??

My fyp used to push a ton of ADHD stuff to me and I always had an inkling but it kind of just verified that and I finally went to get diagnosed and it genuinely helped to do that.. but now it's veered to straight Autism annnnd welp. (Ex: girl not wanting to exist can't seem to function like everyone else in society- comments said check out ASD they all felt the same way til they had answers)

Which to me makes sense but doesn't. I've taken the online quizzes and they're usually like no you do not have it and it would make sense I understand that a lot of neurodiverse things are comorbid so I quite possibly may just have ADHD but I think I could have OCD at least too due to some other factors.. but like what if by that point it's like shit just call me autistic and get rid of all the other labels 🤣🤣 is that how it works?? Just kidding I know it's not but idk. Life is tough sometimes but I know it'll get easier as I gain the tools to do so. I just want to be good for my kid y'know? Which I think I'm definitely on the right path of that. I am fully aware there's no such thing as a perfect parent and I've allowed myself the grace to mess up here and there!!

Anyways, I'm done rambling for now!! Good night diary, thanks for being my secret outlet.. my safe space ❤️

0 notes

whitewolfofwinterfell · 7 years

Note

Over the years I've kind of noticed that a lot of people (not everyone of course) who've Instagrams, Tumblrs or other social media dedicated to tv shows, celebrities, singers etc. have struggled with hard things in life, i.e. depression, anxiety, bullying and so on.... and that's why they've come into fandoms, because they needed some sort of happiness, a way to feel like they belong and just get a break from reality, sort of... (part 1)

(cont.) like being in a fandom helps people deal with whatever they’re going through in real life. For example, when I fell (literally fell, it wasn’t intentional) into my first fandom I was going through a pretty rough time in my life, but being in a fandom helped me and it gave me a chance to sort of get a break from reality and the problems I was struggling with and brought a bit of happiness, and it kept me going and not to give up.and I’ve just noticed that a lot of people in fandoms have struggled with various things in real life and I have this “theory” that is why they get drawn into fandoms, because that TV show, or that actor or singer or book series etc becomes a way for them to hold on and get a break from the hard things for a while. Fandoms also gives people a way to meet others who might feel the same way they do and can relate to each other and find comfort together… what do you think about that? this got way longer and messier than I had expected (I apologize for that!) but I’ve just been thinking about this for a while and I wanted to know what others think… and you always gives such a good perspective and thoughts into your posts that I felt like sharing, hope that’s ok and that you get what I tried to get through… 😅

Don’t worry, I understand what you’re trying to say completely. Of course, it’s okay for you to share this with me. Thank you for asking. It’s actually an important and interesting topic to discuss, particularly for me because I feel like being a part of Tumblr and the fandom world has changed my life. I think everyone’s reasons for being in a fandom is different but the common denominator is that it acts as an outlet in some shape or form.

I’ll put the rest of my answer under the cut, since it’s pretty lengthy.

Personally, I see the fandom as a hobby in exactly the same way as football, bird watching, dancing, drawing etc. would be considered a hobby. And hobbies are such important parts of people’s lives because they serve so many purposes. They’re a way to channel our energies and creativity, share our ideas, build communities and make friends, improve our confidence and/or mental/physical/emotional health. So hobbies are very important and special to people, although the experience and meaning of those hobbies is unique to each every individual.

It has different sides to it just like any other hobby, so for me its: edits (gifs), meta and fanfiction and all of them are ways in which I’m able to express my creativity. Writing in particular is my passion and the fandom gives me an outlet for that in the most amazing way because I get to pair it with the passion of a show/movie/character/ship I love too. And it requires time, patience and care. Every day or every other day I sign into Tumblr, I reblog a post or make a change to my theme, answer an ask, respond to a request etc. just the same as any other hobby. And most of all it provides me with a release. When I’m going about my day (particularly when I’m at uni or writing an assignment) all I look forward to is being able to come onto Tumblr. It’s a form of relaxation and joy for me and for so many others. And I don’t think that the fandom particularly attracts people that are going through hard times, I think that is true for any hobby. When people are down, they’re struggling, they’re in a dark place etc. it’s only natural to seek out something to make you feel better about yourself and your situation. I think the difference is that more confident and extroverted people are more likely to go out and pursue an active hobby, whereas more reserved and introverted people are more likely to pursue that online. I know that for me personally, I’ve always struggled with my self esteem and there was no way I had the confidence to actually go out there and meet people and try to find a hobby (plus, I always loved writing and the best way to channel that is online anyway). But I think it’s just a natural thing for those that are introverted and/or not very good socially to seek social contact via the internet, because it’s easier than having to do it face to face. It’s easy to portray yourself differently online, to be the more confident you that you are on the inside until you’re in face to face social situations and I think that it’s a way for people to build their confidence socially. I also think that it’s a way for people to seek validation and acceptance. Particularly for those that have been bullied or just generally haven’t fit in at school or at home, the fandom is a place to find other people similar to yourself that will remind you you’re a good, decent and important person. And at the end of the day, that’s something that every human needs sometimes. We all just need to know that we’re not alone, that there’s someone else out there that feels/thinks the same way as us and more importantly that someone recongises our existence. I also think there’s a common feeling amongst a lot of people in the fandom whereby they feel out of place in their daily life and the world around them, which is again why they try to seek a place they feel more comfortable online.

I actually watched a news report about this recently. it was about how young kids are getting addicted to social media because each time they receive a follower or like or reblog or whatever it is, it releases dopamine in the brain and that’s a feeling I think everyone can relate to. Particularly for people that may not have many friends or have gone through their life never being popular, it’s kinda an amazing feeling to have people recognise you and want to talk to you, even if it is online. Each time we receive an ask or gain a follower or a note, it feels like validation and I think that definitely gives people a boost that they’re probably not getting in their daily life.

I also agree with you that the fandom is definitely a place where people seek out others that love the same things as they do. Although I’ve spoken to a tonne of people, I’ve only made one real friend through the fandom. But honestly, it’s so great to be able to go to her whenever and be like “DID YOU SEE THE NEW EPISODE OF _____?!?!?” because there is no one else in my life I have to share that with really. And I think that sharing the love for a particular show/ship or whatever it is can bring people together because it opens doors and is that first step of talking to someone. But in reality with time those friendships grow to be something much more profound and although you’ll probably still talk about fandom-y things, it becomes a real friendship that’s about so much more than just that. And you can’t really put a price on friendship as corny as it sounds. Even though the friend I made from the fandom lives thousands of miles away there are genuinely days when I feel like she’s the only one that’s there for me and I talk to her about things I don’t talk to anyone else about. So I think the fandom is definitely a place people come to form friendships and it works too.

For me personally, I actually joined for the opposite reason. Meaning, I didn’t want friends, I was looking for somewhere I could come and be anonymous, where I didn’t have to speak to anyone at all and could do my own thing. I loved that on here no one knew my name, no one knew my face, none of my friends were even on here and as cliche as it sounds, I felt so free with that. I felt like I could do whatever I wanted and it was for me. It’s not that I’ve ever particularly hidden my interests and likes from people, but I think until I found Tumblr I always felt like I had to downplay my passion for fandom-y things. My friends and family would always laugh at me (only harmlessly) for watching the same shows and movies over and over and for always reciting the script along with them, because to them that isn’t normal (whatever that means haha). Yeah, they all watch TV and movies but once and they never feel as strongly about it as I do. Since I was a kid I have been obsessed with watching things over and over again. It started with Disney (Lion King, Bambi, Aristocats to name a few), then it got to Harry Potter (seriously I could still write the Chamber of Secrets and Goblet of Fire scripts from memory), I watched repeats all day long of shows on Cartoon Network (Powerpuff Girls, Ed, Edd & Eddy etc.) then it got to Zoey 101 and Drake and Josh, when I got to my early teens Friends, Skins. I could go on, but you get the point. But I would literally fall in love with these movies/shows (don’t even get me started on how many times I re-watched the episode of Zoey 101 where Chase finally admitted he was in love with Zoey, eeeeep!) and no one around me really understood it. So to be able to come to the fandom and openly express my love for these things was so amazing. I didn’t need friends or anyone to even share that with, all I cared about was being able to have somewhere to unleash that side of myself. Obviously over time, I naturally got speaking to people and made a great friend, but I do think that being a part of the fandom can be as much about just having a place to anonymously exist and express your passions without the want or need for friends. Unlike other forms of social media you can literally come on here, do your own thing and literally no one will bother you or question you and I think that’s pretty unique to social media personally.

But I think you hit the nail on the head as to why so many people fall into the fandom or choose to be a part of it - escapism. Regardless of how happy or unhappy we are, it’s human nature to seek some form of escapism. Whether it’s through watching tv, writing, playing video games, reading, painting, listening to music - it’s all a form of escapism. It’s a distraction from whatever bad stuff might be going on in our lives, it’s a way to unwind and relax, to chat with friends, see the things we love. I often see edits on my dash and genuinely smile or laugh and it improves my mood when I’m having a bad day. I also think that in terms of the specific fandoms, shows, movies, characters and ships we attach ourselves to, they all kind of represent their own form of escapism. An example of that would be that one of my favourite characters is Prue Halliwell from Charmed and one of the reasons I love her so much is because I see all the qualities in her I wish I possessed (beautiful, confident, strong-willed, driven, successful, family-orientated, admired, passionate). My point here is that to an extent I almost live through Prue, imagining myself as who I want to be and putting myself in her shoes. That is just one example. Another would be that I love Sons of Anarchy because it is nothing like my life and I love being able to experience a completely different world from my own or my love for Cook from Skins because he is everything I’m not - reckless, adventurous, fiery, ruthless. All of it is escapism, it’s a way to experience different worlds, different lives, loves and emotions in a safe environment.

I also think that the fandom acts as escapism in regards to providing us with an alter ego. Who we are in the fandom is not who we are in our daily lives (at least not in my experience). On here most people probably think of me as ameliapondsraggedyman or pruehaliwells, the faceless girl that writes unnecessarily long ass responses to all of her asks and bitches about Stelena not being endgame hahah. But that’s not how my family and friends see me. To them, I’m just Shannen (or Shan), the girl that eats coco pops every single morning for breakfast, laughs too loudly (and usually at inappropriate times), talks too much, is best friends with her cat (what a saddo) and has to make her bed in this really weird but particular way (don’t even get me started haha). How I’m perceived or how any of us are perceived within the fandom is not a true reflection of who we are. Or should I say, it’s not a true reflection of every part of ourselves. For example, you may know my exact thoughts and feelings on Stefan Salvatore’s death, but do you know what I did yesterday? But that of course is the appeal of the fandom. To an extent, you get to be who you want. It’s a different side of you, probably one you usually have to suppress or hide and it’s great to be able to escape from who you are everyday and be the other you for a while.

Those are basically my thoughts on that subject. It can mainly be summed up as: I perceive the fandom to be a hobby like any other that acts as a form of escapism from the struggles of daily life and gives people the opportunity to make friends that they have common interests with, a way/place to express themselves and their passions or creativity and improve on themselves whether that be socially, emotionally or mentally.

I hopefully managed to express myself clearly amongst that huge messy response haha. Thanks again for stopping by to share your thoughts and asking me to share mine.

#answered

0 notes