#i dont know who i am alone | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

morbidxmommy · 1 year

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heartorbit · 10 months

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so when's the wxs phantom of the opera set

#project sekai #pjsk #prsk #emu otori #tsukasa tenma #nene kusanagi #rui kamishiro #ruis hair continues to piss me off forever. and ever #Yes i stole their phantom outfits from the revue gacha game. Whos gonna stop me. I WAS SO MAD THAT PHANTOM NANA IS AN OBSOLETE CARD OK #the discerning revsta + pjsekai fan can see i gave emu nanas outfit and rui michirus. Becaude i am crazy. Edel de/light was crazy.#polysho #proseka #why are there so many fuckfign tags. Why so tagging. -the tumbler #Ok sorry #Watch me go insane. Phantom is such a fucking rui role inknow ok i know i know. thats why i gave it to him. but also. I have emu disease #INSTEAD OF THE BRAINTHEREIS EMUUUUUU!!!!!!#Trying to figure out if i should render these and how sucked. cause the first one was drawn on paper and scanned . i shoildve just left itA #Its ifne idekc. I did another emu phantom drawing but i dont feel like posting it alone so ill have to draw more of this. bye #i dont even like the phantom. and i want to kill andrew llyoyid webber with a hammer. And so should you

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starry-bi-sky · 1 month

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realizing i have. a lot of untapped trauma potential for clone^2 danny because i just Fully Processed Four Months Late the fact that his parents were capturing and torturing ghosts in the basement before he became Phantom. and the fact that he was on house rest for 2 weeks. during that time period. and he wasn't really leaving the house. he could hear their screaming through the floorboards

*points at clone danny* i can give you suuuuuuch a bad time babe ahaha. i've got two untouched years before you meet damian what fucks you up before then

#dpxdc #dp x dc #danny fenton is not the ghost king #dp x dc crossover #dpxdc crossover #dpdc #clone^2 #danny fenton is a clone #like i dont even need to traumatize you worse the pure explorative options from this aLONE is enough to feed me for a week.#like. tucks hair behind ear let me shatter you into glass pieces then glue you back together babe. i can put you back together so good.#i'm missing a few shards because some parts of you broke into such small pieces i couldn't pick them back up again so you'll be missing a #few chunks of yourself that you'll never get back but that's okay. you'll still be a resemblance of your old self :]#don't let anakin (me) listen to late night sad songs he makes angst.#hhh imagine being stuck in a house for two weeks where you can hear your parents torturing ghosts in the basement and not only that but #you're the only person who can undERSTAND the ghosts. how many times did he see his parents drag in a ghost with whatever capturing device #they made recently? iirc the thermos was like. brand new in episode one right? but gOD the trauma this alone would cause #nobody touch me im cooking rn i need to think about how this would impact danny. like obvs it would fuel into a developing obsession to #keep his parents away from ghosts and to help the dead but what *else.* i need to refine my becoming phantom ficlet i wrote back in winter #raaa #and like even after two weeks they were *still capturing ghosts* danny just wasn't in the house 24/7 at the time.#*but those two fucking weeks man*#i need to sleep on this first before i make any major moves bc i know im tired but i am having thOUGHTs

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crystallizsch · 4 months

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these valentines day cards for scarabia got me blushing, giggling, and kicking my feet fr (also featuring me unnecessarily analyzing them) (i really hope the cards are in the right order i think they are or else everything that i say here will look incredibly silly)

━━━━━━━━━━━━✦ kalim al-asim:

To my dear friend— Thanks for the present! What colorful and sparkly sweets. They look delicious! I just had an idea! How about we eat them together after school? Gifts like this taste better when shared, after all. I'll pick out a good tea to go with them. Can't wait to see you later! ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

To my dear friend— Thanks for the gift! It's flattering to know you picked this out for me! I'll treat you to anything you like in return—food, live entertainment, an item you've been pining after... You just say the word. ...On second thought, no. I'll come up with something myself! Just like you came up with this gift to give me. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Hey love, Thank you for that wonderful gift! Getting something like this from you just put a smile on my face! Let me throw you a feast to show my gratitude! After that, I'll take you on a magic carpet ride, it'll be really fun! ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

SO LET ME TALK ABOUT THE PROGRESSION BETWEEN THE CARDS???

on kalim's first card, it's really cute but it also feels just like his usual demeanor where he treats everyone as a friend.

but on to the second card, it looks like he's definitely feeling more strongly enough about you to think "hey let me get you something too!! let me be your genie of the lamp!" at least right before realizing it would be more meaningful to give you a surprise gift as well like you did.

his "dear friend" on the second card is more real this time.

BUT OMG THE WHIPLASH TO THE THIRD CARD

"HEY LOVE" ???? KALIM WHAT WHEN I TELL YOU MY HEART JUST WENT HFDSNSFHDJFDK PLSS HE CANT DO THIS TO ME 💀💀💀 THE "MY DEAR FRIEND" -> "HEY LOVE" PROGRESSION YOUR HONOR HE IS IN LOVE(???) NO IT’S PROBABLY JUST A REALLY AFFECTIONATE TERM OF ENDEARMENT CONSIDERING THAT IT’S KALIM (*denial* *denial* *denial*)

the closest ones (that are available) to doing something similar is jade who goes from "my good friend" -> "my dearest" and vil who goes from "dearest friend" to "my dear"

anyways, the third card is kalim finally wanting to go ALL OUT as a way to show you how he feels about you and how thankful he is. he's literally all about having fun with the person he cares about. making every moment memorable.

kalim's love language is also very much extravagant gifts since he's raised in a wealthy family where everything has been handed to him. that's probably how he got the mindset that gifts are the way to show love and affection because that's how his family did it for him. so the bigger the gift the better he can show you how he feels.

━━━━━━━━━━━━✦ jamil viper:

Hello— I was surprised to see you gifted me sweets. At first I wondered if you were hinting for me to make you something similar... But when I pulled the gift out of the bag, I saw all the details you put into it, right down to the ribbon. It's clear this was a heartfelt gesture. I'll treasure these treats as I eat them. Thank you. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Hello— I'll admit it. I'm beyond surprised. I suppose a heartfelt "thank you" is in order. In fact, why don't we meet at the school store after class tomorrow? Hopefully I'll be able to find you something to return the favor. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

Dear friend, Thank you for the gift. To think I would receive something from you... Well, it caught me off guard. I'd like to give you something in return. Hmm... What should it be? What might you like? Why don't you come down to Scarabia sometime and we'll discuss over a cup of tea. ━━━━━━━━━━━━✦

jamillll;;;

on the first card, he was suspicious of receiving a gift. at first he's like "are you just giving me something so i could give you something as well?" until he realized "oh this is legit" and that you’re not expecting anything back. and then he just enjoys it which is hella cute.

on the second card (unlike the last one) he's now like "let me get you something in return because i really appreciate the gesture". here i think he's still genuinely confused that you still decided to give him a gift. but at this point it feels like he's only offering to get you something in return because he feels like he has to just to show his gratitude. kinda like a fair transaction.

it seems that jamil is still like "why me". like, you cared enough to see and acknowledge him to even consider getting him a gift. which i believe is something he's not used to. so he just wants to "return the favor" by offering you to go find something you like :)

and the third card;;;

"DEAR FRIEND" GOT. MEEE. YOUR HONOR I LOVE HIMMMMM

i know for other people "friend" is not on the same level as the romantic "love" but i personally feel as strong with platonic relationships as with romantic ones (if not more) and this hit me HARD.

for the third one he's finally comfortable enough to consider you a friend. but he still sounds flabbergasted that you still even thought of him (and **you** specifically) (like he didn't imagine that you'd even give him a gift).

and now this is less of a transaction but more of like he *wants* to make sure that he gets you something that you'd really like. it's not simply just "hey let's go to the school store and see what's available as a thanks", this time it's "hey i really appreciate that you got me something so let's discuss what i can get you as well. i'll be your genie of the lamp, anything is possible (within reason)"

(original twitter thread with these cards)

#i might be reading too much into this tbh but #i am so obsessed with the progression of the relationship between character and the reader in between the cards #also another train of thought #i imagine jamil would be the type of who would not be focused on romantic relationships(?)#even if somehow the feels got to him #i mean the guy already seems to be iffy with who to consider a friend let alone a significant other #i wouldnt be surprised if he'd be more focused on being by himself than pursuing a partner #like his wish is to travel somewhere by himself where no one knows him so he could just *relax* (and as he should)#that's why the “dear friend” is making me lose it omg #hes showing affection your honor #[—#twisted wonderland #twst #scarabia #jamil viper #kalim al asim #★ twst rambles #—]#also ;;; please dont think that was an attack on romantic ships ;;#ship to your heart's content #that's the purpose of fanwork i do oc x canon myself 😭

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moeblob · 4 months

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New OCs

(briefly, humans and supernatural beings have to team up for building better relations with each other and all the supernaturals can shapeshift and take on human appearances but also have their 'original form'.)

OK so I was GOING to draw fanart today - I had a fun idea and everything! But health anxiety (and anti-anxiety meds) wore me out so I kinda .... slogged through OCs as a treat to me. I am going to go to the doctor tomorrow so HOPEFULLY it's all okay.

#my characters #also kite is the worst socially and says things he thinks are surely fitting for a human conversation #but ends up insulting grady with 99% of the comments and that makes grady not fond of him #but then grady is like super pleasant to others and doesnt know how to act around kite and flubs a lot too #its a disaster and the twins are like oh no this is painful #mr tengu that was so tacky you cant say that to a human #mr tengu you cant DO that to a human STOP BEING LIKE THIS #while callum is just like wow this is hilarious thanks for bothering my younger brother its adding character to his life #and kite is stressed because thats the least encouraging thing to hear ever thank you v much hes TRYING to adapt #but also kite isnt his real name and he doesnt know squat about humans BUT he knows they have the internet #and so hes like well the problem is i dont want to actually say my name to you all because what if i am Online (TM)#and so he asks for a new name and then is like he should name me - the tiny one who wants to kick my ass should name me #so grady is like ....... nooooo...... dont............ and then suggests kite bc he's done google research #and kite is a type of bird and according to wikipedia has some familiarity to tengu so therefore yeah #and kite is like !!!!!! DOES HE ! KNOW THINGS ! and happily accepts the slightly researched name while the other humans #are like grady stop that is bullying the poor guy leave him alone pick a normal name!#anyway not drawn yet but there is a human guy partner for the twins and he immediately is like perfect #i know which is which lets go out and explore the human world for your research #and they dont understand how he knows them apart so fast and none of the other humans seem to tell em apart #but then none of the humans are shocked at the guy who knows so the girls are like sir howst do you know #and hes just v casual oh right yeah younger identical twin sisters - i have Practice ! and they are endeared to him haha #anyway if you read all those tags ty #and yes in his tengu form he does actually have the long nose please do not be mad #i just dont draw noses normally and im too tired to practice rn so #i only drew the second one today anyway - the first pic was done a couple days ago but i didnt wanna post on main #but then here i am posting on main #im sorry

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kkoct-ik · 11 days

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im so gender confused because im a he/him who wants masculine attributes and i present myself as butch but i still get euphoria when i pull my hair back to look like a girl because then i look like my better self

#kostik speaks #dont develop a dissociative disorder worst mistake of my life #me when im a dude: depressed. a bit bland #me when im a girl: happier. more comfortable #but i am a dude more than i am a girl. it just happens that my girl self is better than me in every way #im currently standing at. i want to transition. i want to be a guy. and maybe when i am ill feel comfortable presenting my girl side #maybe then ill feel comfortable????#shes not hyper fem at all shes about the middle ground. she has longer hair and middle ground clothing and personality presentation #but it just feels really unnatural to be her except in brief moments alone #as far as outdoor is concerned i am some quiet butch thing who isnt really there #YANNO?#i have too many souls for this i really dont know how much is trauma response and how much is 'actual' genderqueerness #i think im always just. me. im seeing the endocrinologist for T soon so i have just been thinking about where i stand

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puppyeared · 4 months

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i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim

#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it #its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me #but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy #hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked #its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags #and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple #its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!!#and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!!#but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is #fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates #but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right'#fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on #yapping

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 7 months

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honestly wally is stronger than atlas. if i had to constantly calibrate to the nature of my reality w/ full consciousness i would simply lose my fucking mind

#like babies dont Think while they learn how to exist #imagine straight up spawning fully aware and then everyone else is up to speed but youre standing there like #🧍‍♂️uh. hello. what is everything. what is this. huh????#LIKE???? i feel so bad for him. dude got dropped right into the middle of the ocean and was told 'learn to swim'#and hes trying. but he doesnt know what drowning is so he cant sink either #i mean i get it at least a little bit! its the Autism Experience but w/ him the dial is cranked up to a thousand #you dont know what you dont know but life goes on like you should. fuck #wally i am mentally beaming you a thousand apples grown in the shape of hearts #i believe in you dude you'll figure it out #well. im probably beaming apples into the past if the time discrepancy is real but yk yk #cause if it is then Current Wally probably has a solid handle on things. from a basic standpoint #in a wider lens i am led to believe that he is Scrabbling #is this speculation???#i think it counts.#wh speculation #homebogging #whenever i think about the tidbits we know - ex: wally learning about differences in size #internally i start howling. wally is just constantly dealing with things that would drive a person insane if they had to live it #how is he not Exhausted... it's all so much for someone who knows whats going on let alone someone scrambling to catch up #at least the other neighbors dont have to deal with memorizing physics and skills and behavior #and just Literally Everything That Comes With Being Alive #wally is a blank slate left to write itself.#ough. damn. fuck. i think i need to go stare into the woods for a bit...

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coochiekrab · 13 days

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um, i really wanted to say that I liked your answer about kuri's complicated relationship with gender. I really relate with it and I never thought somebody would be able to write something like what I go through. thank you

i feels it too anon

#this is specifically me and not something kuri feels but on top of feeling alienated from womanhood by not having female rolemodels growing #up i also feel like so much of my relationship to femininity or the lack thereof depends So much on my weight as well #as well as my sexuality #im fat and it makes me feel not womanly #and instead i feel like it masculinizes me #i dont know if i like it. but leaning towards butchness makes me feel more.....defended. protected #i get scared that if i ever lost a lot of weight that i wont know who i am anymore #if ill feel like a Fraudulent butch #if i feel like being thin feminizes me #and at the most extreme end it makes me wonder if i lost a lot of weight would i still even be a lesbian??????/LOL #and i mean Extreme extreme end here #can you have imposter syndrome for gender when youre cis #<<<not and egg moment leave me alone #sorry word vomit lol #thank you anon

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robotpussy · 10 months

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i wish ppl would just shut up when ppl say they're afraid of something i don't care if you think it's stupid or unnecessary or the thing they're afraid of is already widely disliked by many people you don't understand where ppls trauma is coming from and even if there isn't any trauma causing the fear just shut up and move on

#people do this to me about spiders theyre always like omg it wont do anything to you but thats the fucking thing #that annoys me so much i know it wont do anything to me i know they are important to the environment but im still fucking scared #of spiders they just look scary and i literally freeze up and cry when i see a huge one like i genuinely get scared #i dont care that its smaller than me i dont care that you think theyre cute i dont care that youre tired of ppl hating #spiders. im scared of them because i am you dont neee to give me biology 101 to try and get me to not be scared leave me alone #i feel the same way abt ppl who laugh at ppl for being scared of dogs #'oh? ur scared of the 4 yr old dog is barking at you?' like so what if this is the case? shut up!!!! it doesn't matter that u think its #stupid alot of these fears that ppl think are stupid aren't a open door for u to ne patronising just shut the fuck up #there is a girl i know who has a phobia of crisps/chips and ppl think its stupid and inconvenient #like. who cares if u think its stupid there is a real trauma behind her fear and even if there wasnt literally. calm down and go somewhere #else and eat the crisps like omfg

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tedhugheshater · 1 year

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so.

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lesbianwithchainsaws · 9 months

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Being queer and neurodivergent is great and all until you're with relatives and you watch other people and feel like an outcast in your own family

#extra fun that i cant exactly tell my therapist that being queer is one of the reasons i feel this way #because peoples opinions on queer people here generally arent good #idk sometimes it feels like I dont belong anywhere and feel really alone even though i know im not #its just the way other people live and do things seems genuinely impossible for me. i dont get how they do it #sometimes wish i wasnt who i am ngl #can someone please tell me something nice. my self esteem is buried deep underground right now and i feel not great #sorry for bringing vent posts here on tumblr. i just genuinely dont have many people or places that I feel okay talking about this stuff #especially no one irl i feel okay telling all this to #and dm'ing people is also really difficult. i genuinely struggle to do it #vent post

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zarovich · 2 months

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messed up how having a traumatic childhood still affects me and makes me unable to express my emotions properly

#personal #makes me feel like a proper dick. god i feel like i dont even deserve to be loved sometimes #what kind of person am i if i cant tell someone i love them even tho i do. the vulnerability of it all... afraid of the hurt that may follow #but i also know if im not vulnerable then ill be alone. and i dont want to be alone #im afraid if im vulnerable and say how i feel then i will stop feeling it. speaking it makes it so much more... real. idk #<- guy who needs soooo much therapy

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icewindandboringhorror · 11 months

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a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol...#the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower...#I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I'#already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol..#AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

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autisticlee · 1 year

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everyone likes to tell me that real friends exist, the right people for me exist, i'll find them, I just have to look, keep trying. etc.

but no one tells me how, where to look, or how to know who "the right people" even are!

not to mention the fact that I'm getting too old to "make friends" because it's mainly expected of kids/teens to do that. older adults are supposed to have their people already. most adults my age already have their established friend groups that i'm not allowed to join. or they're all pairing off and prefer their partners over friends. or I just simply can't relate or bond with them because we have nothing in common.

#autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #neurodivergent #adhd #audhd #autistic friendship #friendship problems #friends #the people who tell me these things never want to step up and try to be that person either so I mean 🤷‍♂️#they won't tell me how and where and won't be an example. like how am I supposed to know what a good friend looks like if I never had one?#how am I supposed to know what the “right people” look like and where they are!!#this has to be one of those secret things other people just naturally *know* that I don't. right?????#most others dont seem to have any problems with it and assume I can do it easily!#the older I get the more I lose hope i'll find ~my people~ or where I belong and true friends....#lee rambles #how cruel is this universe to make me want nothing more than to have solid and deep connections then deny me that #i wish to be able to accept that im meant to always be alone and embrace being a lonely as hell and learn to like it 🥲#most of my problems and mental anguish would magically disappear if i could convince my pathetic brain to accept that!

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bunnihearted · 7 months

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hmm

#i just feel like i cant connect to anyone #i dont feel safe with anyone. ppl are so cold and callous #and in fact most ppl support and contribute to abuse & rape culture #and knowing that just makes me not feel safe or comfortable with them #thus i cant trust them w my experiences. i cant trust them at all tbh #+ i have a deeper connection w animals & nature and most ppl.. are so disconnected from those #i just dont feel.. ok with anyone #also the fact that i constantly have to mask. every interaction w ppl feels like a performance #everyone already has decided what they think others should be. and i dont fit into that. im none of it #so i feel sm like no one could understand me. and in turn i dont understand anyone either :/#it's making me feel so so so so fucking lonely #my world views and experiences and everything are things i just cannot ignore #i simply cant shut it off and be w ppl regardless #and i know i cant expect to meet ppl EXACTLY like me. but i just want some that are kinda similar #sigh all of this is so hard to even put into words. it feels like im not explaining this properly #i just look around me sometimes and feel so extremely alone bc i cant connect w anyone. i just dont understand ppl at all.#and i just wanna feel safe and comfortable #maybe what im saying is that someone world views and morals etc are important to me #i cant connect with someone who denies a genocide for example #bc that is so fundamentally against who i am and what i believe in #but it is so fkn rare i cant even come up w an example of me coming across someone similar to mtyself #idk.. just dont wanna be alone

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