#i can only sometimes control WHERE we get it
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(Once Bitten) Twice Shy
Chapter Eight
Plot summary : Desperate to get away from your controlling family, you take a job in New York as a wealthy vampire's blood source. A million dollars awaits if you can make it through a year, but life with Billy Russo is not going to be as simple as you think.
Pairing : Billy Russo x Reader
Story Rating : R
Chapter Rating : R
Warnings : [This is a fic for 18+ only, minors DNI] Mention of periods (don't worry, we're not doing Saltburn), smutty behaviour, use of toys. More sickening cuteness. All chapters will contain mentions of blood. Please check the warnings on each chapter if you choose to follow this story.
Word Count : 5k
A/N : It's not exactly a cliffhanger but I get the feeling people won't like where it ends... Oh also spoilers for Jane Eyre (but it's 170 years old so I'm assuming people know the twist?)
CHAPTER ONE | CHAPTER TWO | CHAPTER THREE | CHAPTER FOUR | CHAPTER FIVE | CHAPTER SIX | CHAPTER SEVEN
MASTER LIST
Chapter Eight
The gentle touch of his fingers on your cheek woke you and, for a few seconds, you weren’t sure where you were. Billy was crouched in front of you, smiling softly. Your eyes threatened to close again, feeling exhausted and like all of it was just a dream.
“Hey,” he muttered softly, his fingers still tenderly caressing your cheek. “Are you okay?”
Finally, you managed to wake yourself up enough to realise that you weren’t dreaming, and that you’d fallen asleep on the sofa beneath the yellow blanket Billy had bought for you.
“I’m fine, just tired,” you told him, slowly sitting up.
Billy remained crouched in front of you, tenderly cupping your cheek and looking almost concerned.
“Did you draw too much blood again?”
“No, it's not that. I did that hours ago. I'm just really tired.”
“Just tired?” He pressed the back of his cold hand to your forehead, checking your temperature.
“And my head hurts a little.”
“When is, uh -” he hesitated, almost looking uncharacteristically embarrassed, “- when is your next period due?”
Your cheeks warmed with both the realisation and the fact that Billy had figured it out before you. That was why you felt so awful. “Soon, I think? I-I lost track of the days after I moved in,” you explained, “and I've never been very, uh… regular…”
Thankfully, Billy just nodded and sat himself beside you, an arm around you pulling you into his side.
“Do you need to go lay down?”
“No I - I want to spend time with you,” you told him, resting your head on his shoulder. “We didn't really get to finish talking last night…”
“Was there something else you wanted to say or ask?” Billy asked softly, shifting a little so you could get comfortable against him.
You stayed silent for a few moments, thinking over all of the things you wanted to ask, wondering what you had the right to ask. “What causes it? What makes you feel like everything is... too much? I’ve only ever seen a vampire lose control from hunger...”
“Sometimes it’s hunger,” he offered reluctantly, “other times it’s just... I don’t know. Even before I was turned, I was never any good at controlling my emotions. And, now, I feel like I’m constantly fighting myself. When I’m with you, I feel like I’m drowning. Everything about you; your scent, the taste of your blood, the way your heart races... it’s a lot to try and ignore.”
Although the words were spoken to you, about you, you knew better than to read too much into them. It was the constant proximity, he probably felt that way around any human after enough time. It wasn’t because he felt anything for you.
“That sounds exhausting.”
“It is,” he admitted, waiting for a beat before asking; “why did you apologise? I lost control but you apologised.”
“Because I -” you stopped yourself before the lie managed to leave your lips. It hadn’t been your fault, as difficult as it was for you to accept that fact, you knew it was true. “Because I’ve always been made to feel like it’s my fault when bad things happen to me. The night we met, you asked me what I was running from, and that’s part of it; I was raised to feel ashamed and believe I deserved everything bad that happened to me.”
You heard him inhale sharply before he pressed a kiss to the top of your head. He was silent a moment before speaking again.
“Who left you?” He asked softly. You lifted your head, frowning. “Last night when you asked why I was leaving you it just… you sounded hurt, like someone had left you before…”
“My sister,” you answered, “she left home when she was eighteen and my parents disowned her because of it. She said she'd come back for me, but she never did.”
“Why did she leave?”
“My parents wanted her to marry a guy she didn’t want to marry.”
“Is that why you left?” He asked and immediately seemed to regret it when your gaze dropped. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that.”
A moment later, you snuggled back into his side and closed your eyes. “How long until you have to go to work?”
“I can stay another twenty minutes,” he told you softly, slipping his arm around you. He was silent for a few minutes, before letting out a slow exhale. “I’m not going to be able to see you for a few days, it’s not safe for me to be around you while you’re...”
He didn’t have to say it for you to understand and, as much as you wanted to argue with him, you knew it wouldn’t be fair to try and force the issue. Now that you had some idea of how he felt and how much of a struggle it was for him to be around you sometimes, you knew Billy needed space.
“It’s okay, I understand.”
You stayed that way for another twenty-five minutes until you gently reminded Billy that he was going to be late for work. He didn’t seem to want to leave you and it made your heart ache to think about why that might be. Though, rationally, you understood that it wasn’t you; he was just tired. You were finally starting to understand just how difficult and exhausting it was for him just to get through a day.
He gave you a soft kiss and told you that he’d see you again soon.
The next morning when you woke up cramping and feeling terrible, until you found that he’d left a gift basket in your kitchen, filled with things you might need over the coming days; painkillers, chocolates, a new smart-watch with a cycle tracking app, a heating-pad, various toiletries and a large teddy bear with a note pinned to his chest.
I thought you and Bill the Beagle might want some company.
Take care of yourself. I’ll see you soon.
B.
Butterflies filled your stomach at the thoughtfulness of the gifts and, later that afternoon, when you left blood for him, you couldn’t resist leaving him a note of your own.
Thank you for your considerate gifts. William the Bear is a wonderful addition to my growing stuffie collection and the chocolates were lovely. Hope you have a good night at work.
xoxo
The next day you felt even worse but, again, you were pleasantly surprised when you managed to drag yourself to the kitchen to get breakfast and some coffee. There was another box of chocolates and another note waiting for you.
William is a terrible name for a bear. I didn’t expect you to get through the chocolates so quickly, remind me to stock up next month. I hope you’ve not been watching Black Sails without me.
Take care
B.
And, of course - of course - you had to reply, leaving your note with his blood again.
I happen to like the name William. I think it suits him. He looks like a William. I hope you’re not trying to shame me for enjoying the chocolates, truffles and caramels are my weakness. Don’t worry, I’ve not been watching anything without you, I’ve been reading. You were right, Jane Eyre was a very apt choice.
xoxo
His notes became your reason to get up in the morning, though they were a bittersweet reminder of his noticeable absence in your life. It filled you with a strange yearning and an uncomfortable sadness to think about him out there on his own. But that was a silly thought. You didn’t know anything about his life outside of the penthouse, about his work or his friends, maybe he wasn’t even noticing your absence.
(Or maybe he felt it just as much as you did.)
Okay, I have to ask; what does a William look like? Of course I’d never shame you for enjoying the chocolates, but now you’ve told me your weakness I might have to use it to my advantage. I hope you’re enjoying Jane Eyre more than you enjoyed Dorian Gray.
I hope you’re not feeling too bad. I miss our talks.
B.
Your heart stuttered as you read and reread those four little words; I miss our talks. He missed you. Maybe not quite in the same way that you were missing him but, still, it made you long for him even more.
Well, in my experience Williams tend to be cute and cuddly, even though they look a little dark and brooding at first glance. Oh no! Please don’t use my weakness for chocolate truffles against me!!! (The extra exclamation marks are so you read that in a sarcastic tone.) Yes, I think I like Jane Eyre more than Dorian Gray - Mr Rochester kind of reminds me of you.
I’m feeling a bit better today, I should be fine in a couple of days. I miss spending time with you too. I hope you’re not too lonely without me around.
xoxo
You doodled a little picture of the teddy bear he’d given you on the corner of the note but gave him a grumpy looking face and a tag that read ‘my name is William’.
There was a strange feeling of embarrassment when you left the note and you almost changed your mind about it halfway back to your room, and you spent the rest of the evening wondering if it was a little too much.
So, the next morning, you felt a little reluctant to go into the kitchen, and had to take a deep breath before reading his note.
Dark and brooding?? I think you might have to elaborate, but I’ll let you save that for when I see you next. I hope that there will come a point in the book where Mr Rochester doesn’t remind you of me quite so much (I don’t know where you’re up to and I don’t want to spoil it).
I’m glad you’re feeling better. The penthouse isn’t the same without you. It’s strange, you’ve only been here a couple of months yet and it already feels empty without you. I miss you.
B.
P.S. Is the doodle supposed to be me or the stuffie?
It felt like your head was spinning as you read, reread, and read again.
He missed you.
Billy missed you.
You spent half the day writing and rewriting your note to him, in one attempt confessing your feelings, in another acting completely blaise about his confession. Nothing you came up with felt right but the thought of not replying seemed worse.
I see what you mean about Mr Rochester... though I don’t know if I can completely rule out the possibility of you having a strange woman tucked away somewhere in the penthouse. It would certainly explain where all of the chocolates have been going.
I miss you too. I know what you mean, I feel the same way, like I’ve been here longer. But I suppose that’s how things feel when you get close to someone. Hope to see you tomorrow.
xoxo
P.S. I’ll never tell. An artist never reveals her secrets.
There was no end to your relief the next morning when you woke up finally feeling better, knowing that you’d be able to see Billy again. Part of you expected not to find a note, but there it was, waiting for you on your kitchen table, just like the others had been.
I can think of a less mysterious explanation for the disappearance of your chocolates, little hummingbird.
I’m not used to missing people. I’m not used to being close to them either. Some days I feel like my whole life has turned upside down since I met you. I can’t wait to see you again.
B.
P.S. I think it’s magicians that never reveal their secrets, not artists.
Again, he left you searching for deeper meaning in every word, your heart aching for a man who seemed so lonely and alone, a man who didn’t deserve that life at all.
After breakfast you showered and washed your hair, wanting to look your best when you saw him again.
Slowly but surely, over the course of the day, your nerves started to eat away at you; what were you going to say to him? Were you going to pretend that the notes hadn’t happened and that their contents was just idle talk to help the other feel less alone?
You couldn’t sit still as you waited, counting down the hours before sunset, perched on the edge of the sofa and watching his door. The moment it started to open, you were on your feet.
Before he had the chance to even realise that you were there, you’d cleared the distance between you, throwing your arms around his waist and pressing your face against his chest. Billy let out a breath but, for the life of you, you couldn’t tell if it was a sigh of relief or simply because you were squeezing the air from his lungs.
“Hey,” he muttered, his arm slipping around you and holding you almost as tight as you were holding him.
A minute or two passed, neither of you moving or saying anything, until he pressed a kiss to the top of your head and your grip on him started to loosen. You didn’t pull away, but gave yourself enough space to look up at him, smiling shyly as your cheeks started to warm.
“Hi.”
“Hi, hummingbird.”
Neither of you seemed to know what to do or where you were supposed to go from there so, again, you both fell silent, still holding each other. Finally, you dared to reach for him, placing your hand on his cheek. His eyes closed and he leaned into your touch, and butterflies began to swarm in your stomach. Before you could talk yourself out of it, you lifted onto your tiptoes and pressed your lips to his.
It was a soft, chaste kiss, nothing at all compared to some of the kisses that you’d shared, but you felt his lips pull into a smile against yours before his eyes finally opened again.
“I missed you,” he admitted in little more than a whisper.
His hand moved to rest on your neck and you found yourself glad of his cold touch after what seemed like so long without it.
“I missed you too,” you confessed, “I - I missed you more than I probably should have.”
If Billy understood what you were trying to tell him, he didn’t show it. Instead, he just shook his head and smiled before kissing you again.
You sank against him letting him deepen the kiss and turn it into something else, something new. Normally when he kissed you it felt explosive and desperate, like he was laying claim to you, but this kiss was tender and filled with longing, like he was savouring being with you again. It stole the breath from your lungs.
“I missed you,” he muttered again.
“You already said that.”
“I know, I just -” his head shook, and he let out a huffed laugh, “- this has felt like one of the longest weeks of my life.”
“Have you been okay? Was it -” you hesitated, not sure you wanted to ask the question, “- was it easier without me around?”
Billy pulled back a little, frowning. “Why would it be easier?”
“The other night, you said you feel like you’re drowning when you’re with me,” you shrugged a little, letting your gaze drop for a moment.
Before the notes, you’d assumed that everyone made him feel that way, that it was just part of being a vampire for him. But, now, after his last note and after that kiss, part of you longed for him to admit that it was more, that it was you, that he felt something for you, that he cared.
“I was wrong,” he told you, waiting until you looked up again to continue, “I feel like I’m drowning without you.”
“Oh.” Whatever you’d expected, it hadn’t been that.
“It’s a lot. I know it’s a lot -”
“No,” you shook your head, “no, it’s not.”
“I wish I could’ve met you in another life. I wish it wasn’t like this.”
The words caused your chest to ache, understand what he was saying and why because you felt the same way; the situation was a mess and all either of you could do was make the best of it.
There was more you could say - more you wanted to say - but it didn’t feel like the right time, and it wasn’t fair for you to try and push anything when you had every intention of leaving him once you’d finished your year. So, instead, you pressed yourself against him and hugged him tight.
Once you’d managed to pull away from each other, you spent the next hour sitting with him on the sofa, talking while he drank, trading gentle touches and kisses until he needed to leave. You followed him to the elevator, not sure if he was keeping hold of your hand or if it was the other way around.
It took a couple of weeks for things to start to return to some sort of normal between you.
Karen noticed the first time she saw you, mentioning that you seemed distracted as you walked through Central Park together (thankfully with no sign of Madani in sight), but she didn’t bring it up until you were sitting together a week later, having lunch in a little coffee shop.
“Is everything alright with you and Billy?” She asked, deciding to just go for it.
“Yeah, it’s fine,” you answered. And it was fine. You were happy. You just could stop thinking about what he’d said to you and how you wished that things could be just a little bit different so you could both be happy.
“I know Billy’s my friend and you don’t really know me all that well, but you can talk to me if something’s bothering you. Or if he’s done something to bother you.”
There was something in her voice, something knowing that you really didn’t like. But how could she know what was going on with you and Billy, when you didn’t even know yourself?
“Everything’s fine, honestly. It’s great, actually. We’ve been really getting on lately; we’ve been hanging out talking about books and I’ve been making him watch Black Sail on Netflix,” you told her.
Karen nodded, though it didn’t look like she believed you, but she let it drop, leaving you with the sneaking suspicion that she knew a little more about the way Billy was than she wanted to let on.
Your quiet evenings with Billy slowly started to become a little more physical again, though neither of you seemed in a rush to try and push for sex again. Instead, most evenings he’d end up with his head between your thighs, or you’d slip your hand into his pants while you made out. And, even though you found yourself longing for more, you didn’t want to push him. No, you wanted to take things slowly, wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t get overwhelmed again before you took that next step.
Time seemed to fly by and it wasn’t long before the whole penthouse was being turned upside down in anticipation of Billy’s big party; live music, caterers, decorators and, of course, more blood than you felt comfortable seeing in one place. The whole place was transformed over the course of three days and, when the night finally came, you felt almost sick with nerves.
Even Billy had a strange energy about him, checking and double checking every little thing, including a security team from his company whose presence he seemed reluctant to explain to you. You watched from the sofa as he led them around the apartment, explaining where he wanted them and which areas of the penthouse were off-limits. He introduced you to one of them, a human man called Curtis who would be spending the night near the door to your quarters if you needed any help during the night (and, again, Billy didn’t explain what that meant).
A couple of hours before the guests were due to arrive, you went to shower and draw blood before doing your hair and makeup, and getting changed into your dress and shoes. For a few minutes you found yourself staring at your reflection, hoping to find some of the confidence you’d had that night in the dressing room with Billy.
When you stepped out into the penthouse, it only took a moment for his eyes to find you, his jaw threatening to drop as he took in the sight of you. His appearance had the same effect on you; his well tailored tux had you biting your lip.
“Wow, Russo, you really know how to pick them,” Curtis called across the penthouse, earning himself a withering look from Billy and causing your cheeks to heat.
Billy made his way towards you, not bothering to hide the way his eyes were taking in every inch of you. When he reached you, he placed a hand on your hip and kissed your cheek.
“I got you a present,” he told you, using his hand to start guiding you towards the library, pausing momentarily to tell Curtis and his team that they could go take a break before the party started.
Your heart was hammering in your chest as he led you into the library and towards the seldom used desk by the window. Waiting for you were three boxes, each beautifully wrapped in silver paper and tied with black ribbon. Without thought, you found yourself gripping Billy’s arm as your legs threatened to turn to jello beneath you.
He smiled softly, picking up the first box and handing it to you.
“Open it,” he instructed, managing to sound as excited as you felt about this whole exchange.
It felt wrong to destroy the immaculate wrapping, so you took your time, carefully untying the ribbon and peeling open the paper to get at the box. You removed the lid and there, in amongst black tissue paper was an ornate black and silver mask.
“It’s for the party tonight,” he told you when you looked at him for clarification, “we wear the masks until midnight and then take them off. It’s supposed to symbolise vampires being seen by society, but really it’s just an excuse to have fun while no one knows who you are.”
You laughed, head shaking. “Thank you, it’s beautiful.”
But he didn’t give you time to linger, gently taking the box and mask from your hand before offering you the next present, seeming to get more eager with each passing second. He was practically vibrating with excitement.
Your breath caught as you opened the second box. It was a beautiful choker style necklace with diamanté detailing - at least, you assumed that it was diamanté because you couldn’t even start to imagine how much it would have cost if they were real diamonds. For a few seconds you were lost for words.
“Here, let me,” he offered, pulling the necklace from the box before you even had the chance to answer him. Billy stepped behind you, gently draping it around your neck and fastening it for you.
Your fingers immediately reached up to touch it; it felt a little heavy around your neck and you’d never had a choker style necklace before, but the feel of it would be a constant reminder of Billy and you loved that.
“Thank you, Billy,” you finally managed, turning and wrapping your arms around him before pressing a kiss to his cheek.
“There’s one more.” He reached for the last present but seemed a little more reluctant to hand it to you.
And once you’d opened it, you understood why.
“Oh...” said somewhere between shock and confusion.
You weren’t sure what you’d been expecting, especially not after the mask and the choker, but a new sex toy certainly wasn’t it. Your cheeks heated as you looked at the box, trying to make sense of it, the words discreet and remote play only confused you more.
“I want you to wear this for the party,” he told you, a hint of nervousness in his voice, “if you want to, I mean. If it’s too much, I get it. I just - I thought we could have some fun. And there’s going to be so many people, I guess I want to know you’ll spend the night thinking about me...”
Your cheeks continued to burn, part horrified by the notion, but a much larger part couldn’t help but find the idea interesting, arousing even. And, after everything that had happened between you, part of you was still longing for more.
“You want me to spend the night thinking about you?” You asked quietly.
“More than anything,” he answered in little more than a whisper, like he knew it was something he shouldn’t say.
It felt like your heart leapt into your throat for a few seconds and you struggled to swallow around it. All you could think about was that night a couple of weeks ago, how he told you it felt like he was drowning when he wasn’t with you, and you knew that you couldn’t say no to him. (You didn’t want to say no to him.)
“Okay,” you finally answered, “how do I...?”
“Let me,” he offered, perhaps a little too eagerly, taking the box from your hand, muttering something about how he’d cleaned it and charged it ready before wrapping it.
You bit your lip, watching as he pulled the purple silicone toy out of the box, knowing that he could hear your heart pounding. Then he kissed you, slipping his tongue between your lips and enjoying you for a few moments. When he pulled back he began to trace your lips with the tip of the toy before slipping it into your mouth, causing your cheeks to burn hotter.
You watched him suck his fingers, leaving them glistening with saliva before dropping to his knees and slipping them beneath your dress and into your panties. His free hand nudged your knee and you parted your trembling legs a little further while his fingers stirred between your folds, wetting you before slowly slipping into you.
You moaned softly as his fingers slowly started to pump inside you, twisting and bending, easily finding that special spot.
Your hands gripped his shoulders, feeling like your legs were going to give out. Another soft moan escaped you when he looked up at you, holding your gaze as his fingers filled you, over and over. You clenched around him as he licked his lips, knowing that he was imagining the taste of your arousal on his tongue.
“You can come whenever you need to,” he told you, smiling up at you like he was in awe of you.
“Billy...” you moaned, your voice muffled by the toy in your mouth, hating how close you were to falling apart.
Your walls clenched and tightened around his fingers again, but you were already so wet that you couldn’t hold onto him or make him slow. There was something about all of this that seemed so obscene, so dirty, and it just made you want it ever more. His fingers hit that sweet spot one more time and it was enough to push you over the edge. Your legs started to tremble and your thighs pressed together, trying to keep his fingers inside you.
And, all the while, Billy smiled up at you.
A needy whine slipped out when he pulled away his hand, but you soon fell silent when he took the toy from your mouth. Your eyes fixed on the bookshelf behind Billy as he inserted the toy, suddenly feeling embarrassed despite everything you’d just let him do. Once he was done, he straightened your panties and made sure your dress was perfect.
Shifting your weight between your legs, you tried to get used to the feeling of the toy while Billy stood up and took out his phone.
“Let’s give it a little test,” he said with an almost mischievous grin on his lips that caused you thighs to clench. Something told you he was going to enjoy this. A lot.
A sudden whimper was pulled from you as the toy started to vibrate.
Billy’s grin grew as his finger swiped on his phone, causing the vibrations to intensify. As good as it felt, a mixture of shame and concern threatened to ruin the moment.
“What?” Billy asked, stopping the vibrations the moment he noticed your discomfort. “If it’s too much, you don’t have to do this.”
“I want to,” you answered shyly, a little embarrassed by just how much you wanted to, “It’s just... what if someone realises?”
He offered a soft smile, placing a hand on your cheek.
“They won’t,” he told you with confidence. “It’ll be too noisy for anyone to hear it, and you’ll be good; you won’t come until we’re alone together and I give you permission.”
His thumb tenderly caressed your cheek as he leaned in to kiss you, his tongue slipping between your lips and wiping away any misgivings you might have had. You wanted to do this. You wanted to give Billy the comfort of knowing that you were thinking about him all night. And you wanted to do it for yourself too. You’d wanted to have new experiences and this was definitely new for you.
“Come on,” he said, slipping his hand into yours, “let’s go have a glass of wine and wait for the guests to arrive. It’s going to be a long night...”
End Note : So, originally, this chapter and the party were going all be one chapter, but then I got carried away with the cute notes between reader and Billy. That means next week will be a whole chapter of party shenanigans.
As always, thanks for reading/commenting/liking/reblogging, hope you're enjoying this as much as I'm enjoying writing it! Have a great weekend!
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good night moon | s.r
A/N: hi again ! this one is deeply self indulgent i fear but who cares i hope you like it as much as i do <3 ps let me know what kinda fics i should write next !!
cw: spencer reid x bau!reader, cm type violence, reader is afab but this only is referred to when mentioning reader is a daughter, sad thoughts, hurt/comfort, talks about nightmares, spencer just wants to take care you gdm it why won’t you let him
wc: 2.4k
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trudging up the stairs of the bullpen, you tried your best to use whatever sense you had left to beeline to the kitchen to make another cup of coffee. thank god the bau had minimal reflective surfaces because you’re sure you look like the evil old lady from snow white. that was just, your opinion of course. to everyone else you looked fine.
fine was so subjective. what did these fuckers know about being fine? they weren’t the ones on the mission. they don’t know what you saw, how you did nothing, how you couldn’t do anything.
“FBI hands up!” you yell holding your gun and flashlight at the unsub. he’s holding the victim at knifepoint, a twelve year old girl who reminded you too much of yourself.
this unsub’s MO was kidnapping eldest daughters of families that had sons as well, because he believed the son should be the eldest child with the most responsibility and that the daughters were only there to create more babies. the team had deduced that he was the youngest child to an older sister who he felt had too much control over him, combined with his fascination with the perfect nuclear family, it slowly turned him into a sociopathic killer.
“come any closer and i’ll slit her throat!” the unsub bellowed, getting dangerously close to her carotid artery.
“you don’t wanna do that, man,” derek says behind you, “just put the knife down and we can talk.”
“there’s nothing left to talk anymore! i’m already going to prison. there’s no point.”
you called out the unsub’s name, “i know how you’re feeling, i have a younger brother too and he feels the same way you do sometimes. what your sister did to you was not okay, but not all sisters are like that. we just want to care for our family. let them have the chance to be the big sister you wished for.”
the unsub seemed to contemplate your words for a minute, then looks up at you with eyes devoid of any light, “then this one is dedicated to you, agent.” and he drags the knife across her neck leaving waterfalls of blood coming out.
you’re not really sure what happened next. a gun went off, presumably derek’s, to kill the unsub. and then it was you screaming as you rushed to the young girl to try and stop her bleeding, but it was no use. the cut was deep enough to nick that damn carotid and all you could do was hold her in her last moments.
“te- tell my family i love them, and that i’m sorry.” the young girl spurts out so softly you almost didn’t hear it.
“no sweet girl, don’t be sorry,” you say through hiccuped cries, “i’m sorry i couldn’t save you.”
the last thing you remember was feeling strong hands carrying you out of the building. you couldn’t hear much, the sound of your wails pretty much masked anything in a five mile radius. you could taste the iron lingering in your mouth from biting your lip too hard and desperately collecting the salty tears and sweat trickling down your face. at first you smelled smoke and dust, most likely from being in the cave where the unsub was. but as you were being dragged away from the crime scene you were influxxed with a musky scent, and a hint of vanilla with that fresh laundry smell. spencer. the last thing you see are his worried little brown eyes staring down at you before everything goes dark.
that was monday. it is now thursday. the case had wrapped up, the unsub was dead the families were notified and now you all were in the office doing your paperwork for the case.
and all of you were doing fine, right? everyone else had already coped and processed the case, already stepping back into their normal life routines. but you, you couldn’t have it that easy, but god you wish you did.
since that day, you’d been holing up in your apartment with all the lights turned on. you sat in your living room, eating a bowl of fruit loops and watching bluey, because listen it’s a great show and we should acknowledge it. you cry out loud seeing bluey care for her little sister bingo, and it brings you back to that dusty cave and the bloodied hands.
you could feel sleep creeping up on you, yet you subconsciously found a way to push bedtime by doing menial tasks like cleaning, extra long skincare, watching a movie. when you ran out of things to do, you entered your room and just stared at your bed. how were you supposed to admit to yourself that the horror isn’t in the movie you just watched where the creepy demons kill everyone, but it’s what is waiting for you behind closed eyelids.
so the only logical solution was to just, not sleep. you whipped out every trick in the book to stay awake for as long as you could— energy drinks, coffee, splashing cold water, anything so you wouldn’t have to reface your plagued memories.
spencer observed you from a distance. he watched as you got coffee a whopping three times before 10am, you picking at your skin, not to mention the bags growing under your eyes. it was then he formed a hypothesis, he was a scientist after all. that you simply were not sleeping because of the case. it was much less a hypothesis and more of a fact because he knew exactly what it was upon first sight of you, hell he invented the sleep avoidance look.
and as the inventor it meant he knew the feeling more intimately than he would like to admit. spencer knew what it felt like to be debilitated by the confines of your brain, holding onto shreds of memories you know are not worth remembering but have somehow marked their territory anyway. and everyone coped differently, for spencer he isolated himself for days and then threw himself into work. for you? well, that was the next part of spencer’s experiment.
spencer approaches you in the kitchen as you’re pouring your fourth cup before noon, “hi.”
“hi.”
“how are you? feels like we haven’t talked in a bit.”
“i’m good, sorry i’ve just been. busy.”
spencer frowned internally, he knew you weren’t doing a single thing but working at the office. “are you okay? do you want to talk about last week?”
you cut him off abruptly and start walking out, “i really have to finish these reports spence, talk to you later.”
spencer knew better, he should give you space to cope by yourself. you were an adult, you can take care of yourself. but you shouldn’t have to, he thinks. spencer still tells himself he knows better as he’s waiting on your doorstep that night, about to the rapp the door.
after a minute of no answer he knocks again this time calling your name through the door, “will you let me in please? i want to show you something.”
still nothing. he continues, “i know what you’re feeling, and i want to help, please.”
he almost gives up and turns around when he hears the turn of a lock and slight creek of the door opening to see you in all your beautiful glory.
now you, you were definitely a sight for sore eyes. avengers pj shorts with a baggy uni t shirt, hair flying in any direction, and a look that spencer could only describe as grief. but god if you weren’t the most beautiful human he’d seen in his life, he’d be lying.
you were coming up on day 3? or was it 4? of no sleep. it’s not like you were not sleeping at all you took little 30 minute naps each day, enough to get you some shut eye but not enough to make it your rem stage of sleep.
spencer speaks again, “can i come in?” you nod silently and open the door wider for him to step in. he removes his shoes and it’s then you notice a big ole tote bag he’s lugging to your living room.
“what’s in the bag?”
“ah, come sit. i brought magical things.” he smiles playfully.
you shuffle over to sit a seat’s cushion away from him and watch as he starts pulling item by item from his mary poppins bag.
candles, essential oils, books, but specifically romance novels with the silly cartoon covers that he swears aren’t real books but you argue with him until he concedes, melatonin gummies, pillow sleep spray, and one more item that he’s holding onto for what seems to be dramatic effect. you’re not amused.
“and the piece de resistance,” he presents the last item, and you look confused for a second, until you recognize the item in front of you and immediately start tearing up. in his hands is a grogu weighted stuffed animal that he holds out for you to take. “i know you’re not sleeping. it happened to me when, you know. i figured it would be helpful if you had someone who could empathize how you’re feeling. and because you’re my best friend and i care about you.”
your bottom lip trembles, and you feel the ice block you’ve kept yourself in this past week start to melt uncontrollably. “spence…” you breathe out so quietly. he did all this? for you? doctor spencer reid went out to the store, and bought a grogu stuffed animal for you to cuddle at night to ease your loneliness?
the concept of being taken care of was so foreign to you, as the eldest daughter in your family it was always you taking care of others and making sure everyone was okay. but rarely did anyone check on you, how you were holding up. and you had learned to cope by yourself, to handle the big emotions by yourself, but for once, someone was willing to take all that weight off your shoulders and let you breathe. and god, did it feel so cathartic you could burst out in sobs.
so you did.
“hey,” he says scooting closer to you so he can scoop you into his chest, “was that a lot? penelope said i’d probably overwhelm you but all of the things i brought are scientifically proven sleep additives-“
“no i just, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.” you whimper.
spencer’s eyes soften, “you deserve it. what happened last week… was hard. i just wanted to help.”
“thank you,” he hears a muffled response and rubs his hands affectionately down your back, “damn, all this crying is making me so tired.”
“see! the magic of the poppins bag.” he chuckles. you laugh too. spencer thinks all the flowers in a mile radius just bloomed.
“it’s just,” you start out, nuzzling into his chest deeper, “the second i close my eyes and dream, i see her. and how i couldn’t save her. and how the others i couldn’t save either.” you feel your chest seizing up again.
“okay well hey, hey. you did what you were trained to do. any other agent in your position would’ve tried talking him down the way you did. and your personal story gave you an advantage that no one else would’ve had. statistically speaking, you were the best chance at getting through to him. yeah it didn’t work, but it wouldn’t be probability if it always worked,” he cradles your face in his big hands, “we’re all so proud of you, you know. rossi’s waiting for you to be back on your feet so he can host pasta night at his hou- sorry his mansion again.”
spencer looks down at you properly to your tear stained cheeks and brushes your hair back. he sees the pain and tiredness fighting behind your eyes and asks softly, “what do you need right now?”
“i’m tired.” you lament.
“then lets go sleep.”
“i can’t.”
“why not?”
“im scared.”
“well that’s why i brought the stuff silly goose,” he taps your nose, “come on, let’s go set it up.”
spencer brings all the sleep aids to your room and sets them up appropriately, even plugging in your sunrise lamp to help with the ambient lighting. the only thing left to do is for you to get into your bed.
you both stand on opposite sides of your bed, and he’s waiting for you to get in so can tuck you in. you hesitate and look up at him with the same worried eyes he saw all those days ago.
“could you stay for bit?”
“i can stay for some time if you want” you both speak at the same time. you giggle again, spencer thinks an angel got its wings.
thank god he wore sweats and a comfy t shirt he thinks. he slid in under the blanket and holds it open for you to come in, “come on, you’re missing the cuddle party with grogu and i!” you beam widely and finally sink into your bed.
spencer pulls you into his chest, wrapping an arm around your shoulder blade, and the other taking a spot on your hip rubbing soft circles. you lay your head to rest on his chest, right above his beating heart. you try to let the metronomic thumps lull you to sleep, but spencer can still feel your eyelashes fluttering about on his chest. he knows what you’re thinking, because of course he does.
“look at me,” he nudges you, you look up at his eyes again and see nothing but pure love and reassurance as he continues, “you are safe. nothing can hurt you. i promise.”
“are you sure?” you let out meekly,
“i’m sure. it’s okay, go to sleep,” he presses a gentle kiss to the crown of your forehead. “i’ll be here when you wake up.”
you shakily take a deep breath, and close your eyes.
after five minutes of spencer rubbing shapes into your back, he can finally hear the soft snores coming from below. he places another kiss on your head, whispers, “good night angel girl,” and doses off.
you wake up the next morning feeling so rested and relieved you can’t help but give spencer a big hug that wakes him up. spencer thinks he’d be the luckiest man in the universe if he could wake up like this everyday.
#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid hurt/comfort#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer reid x self insert#spencer reid x y/n#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid fanfic#spencer reid#criminal minds#criminal minds fanfic
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what’s it like to be around science experiment!reverse reader when something really sweet surprises them? please a tiny fluff for our hearts?
Jason wound his way through the woods, following one of the interminable trails he knows that you take to get to your clearing. Why you're back there today, Jason isn't sure.
He only knows that you are.
He woke up in your bed by himself and you left him a note telling him that that's where you'd gone. Which was progress he supposed. It meant that you weren't just disappearing.
How did you do this? Were you like a homing pigeon? Did you have landmarks you followed? Or had you just cut your way through in a haze so many times that you just did it the way dancers went on pointe? Muscle memory.
When he got there, thankfully, you weren't in mid-explosion. He didn't think he could handle that. But there was a definite... Buzz in the air. It reminded him of white noise. It felt like a miasma of... neutrality. Like walking through a mall on a Saturday. Things-feelings that just... were.
Odd but not unpleasant. Taking up all the empty space in the air but not suffocating him.
And he stopped in the gap you used as a door and waited for a second, waiting for you to finish what looked like replacing a hammock that a storm had ruined and slipped in. "Hey, baby girl," he said, "you good?"
"Yeah," you yawn, "Just needed to move." You take a deep breath and go to pull yourself back into line. Into control and wince. It's nice to let it out and just stop holding on to it all.
Jason moved closer to you and wrapped his arms around you, squeezing you tenderly. "You don't have to do that, you know?" He kissed the side of your head, "I wanna bounce my head off the nearest wall when Bruce talks too long. I can only imagine what it feels like when it's like that from EVERYONE all around you all the time."
"I don't read minds," you remind him.
"Still," he snorted. "It's the closest I can get." He kissed the side of your head again and rubbed your arms. "I don't want you to feel like you have to hide how you're feeling from me. Not like you do everyone else."
"It's just... a lot sometimes."
"I know," he admitted. "But- We- I especially get worried that it's getting to be too much for you to handle alone."
"I get really lonely," you murmur.
Jason nodded. He could understand that too and it made him kiss your temple. "I brought a picnic," he tried, face heating. "It's mostly brownies. And some green apples and nutella. And I brought a book to read I thought if you wanted we could-"
And when soft lips collide with his as you wrap your arms around his neck, it feels like taking a bite of a hot chocolate chip cookie on a cold winter day and the first like of a snow cone on the hottest day of summer. A quiet, simple joy. Laid over the feelings he knew you felt for him. The ones that popped like firecrackers in his chest. And he smiled against your lips. It was a good thing you replaced the hammock- a snack and a nap in the sunshine would be nice.
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Forget-Me-Not
DESCRIPTION: Sometimes things happen beyond our control. After an accident occurs your relationship with Zoro is turned on its head and changed forever.
WARNINGS: nothing comes to mind for this one
CHARACTERS: Zoro
WORDS: 2,572
A/N: The next chapter is here. I hope you all enjoy and have a good weekend
*REQUESTS ARE OPEN*
MASTERLIST | PROMPT LIST
Chapter One | Chapter Two | Chapter Three | Chapter Four (here) | Chapter Five (coming soon)
———————
The island was drawing closer now and the entire crew couldn’t help but recall what befell them the last time. As much as they tried to look at this as the next exciting part of their adventure they still couldn’t shake the image of your injured, limp body being carried in Zoro’s arms. No one wanted to go through that again but at the same time they knew this was the life they’d chosen and danger was part of that decision. So in the middle of their lunch, conversation turned to the set plan for this island visit.
“Thankfully from what I can see with this island, it’s populated. I can make out a dense cityscape so we can actually buy supplies we’ve been rationing.” Nami said, setting a quick sketch she’d made of the island. Even for a preliminary outline it was still detailed enough for the crew to get a better idea of what they were in for. “And because there’s a city we have to expect a Marine presence. So we need to be careful.”
“So who’s staying on Sunny first?” Sanji asked tentatively as he lit another cigarette. Usually it would spark a debate over who would go but now there was a hesitancy amongst them all, even Luffy who still had the usual excitement light his eyes at being in a new place didn’t immediately declare he wanted to explore as much as he clearly wanted to. The group slowly looked to Zoro who continued to eat his meal, not participating in the conversation.
“Well I know where I’ll be.” Your voice sounded dryly from the doorway, drawing everyone’s attention. They weren’t used to you leaving the medical quarters but here you stood with your empty dishes in hand. With careful steps you walked to the sink and began to wash up. “Unless you’re going to actually let me leave the ship?”
“You’re not our captive, you can go onto the island with us!” Luffy grinned, only for his smile to falter when you looked over your shoulder and eyed him carefully, still not trusting him. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to explore?”
“And when I want to go home?” You asked, turning off the water and turning to face the apparent Captain of this group. Your stare was hard and your mouth was set in a firm line, his was the only answer you wanted to hear at this moment. Despite his relaxed nature, if he was any kind of leader, whatever he said was to be followed by the rest of his crew. “If we go on that island and I don’t want to come back here. What then?”
“By that island’s not your home…” Luffy frowned seriously. “Sunny’s your home, you said so.”
“According to you.” You dismissed with narrowed eyes. “Answer my question. Am I allowed to go home. To my island.”
“Uuugghhh but that’s so far away it’ll take forever!” Luffy groaned out like a child being told it was his bedtime, his inability to take your question seriously was making you angry and you hand to reach behind you to grip the countertop to stop yourself from rushing over and smacking him senseless. “If you want to go back we can’t stop you. Nami, you know the way right?”
Nami froze at Luffy’s willingness to take you home to your island given how confident he was that your memories would return and everything would go back to normal. However at his question so slowly nodded. As much as she had secretly hoped Luffy’s stubbornness and selfishness would win out and he’d insist you stayed with them, she couldn’t go against him or lie. Not over this.
“Yeah, I have the charts…but it will take months of travel.” She said, looking at you hoping you could see that she was telling the truth. “We met so long ago. Your island is near the beginning of the Grand Line, it’s not a quick trip, this will take time.”
“So just leave me on the island we’re going to, I’ll find someone to take me ba-” you flinched when Zoro slammed his bottle onto the table. Finally you tore your gaze from Luffy to watch the swordsman sit back in his seat but still refused to look at you.
“You’re not being left behind on an island we have no knowledge about.” He spoke firmly and you bit back the urge to sneer at him.
“I think that decision is your Captain’s.” You forced the words out as calmly as you could. You couldn’t help but think back to the card you’d found in the book. For someone that had claimed ‘love always’ he had a funny way of showing it. “Think about it, the sooner you’re all rid of me, the sooner you get back to your adventures. Win-win right?”
“It’s not happening.” Zoro snapped turning his head to glare fiercely at you. “If you want to go back to the life you had then fine, we’ll see you home but none of us are risking your safety with strangers who could hand you over to the Marines without any hesitation.”
“I’m not a pirate.” You uttered thickly, denying it with every fibre of your being. Over and over you told yourself that no matter what happened, you would be fine, that you were still a good person. Zoro seemed intent on breaking that one comforting thought. You glared furiously as the swordsman rose and approached. When he was in front of you he stopped and looked down at you, his expression even but unrelenting. While the others had been kind and patient with you, Zoro was clearly choosing the harsher path.
“No. You just don’t remember being one. That’s the difference.” He told you coldly. “If we abandon you on that island, you’re easy pickings for any bounty hunter and Marine about because like it or not you have a bounty and that’s not going away. But you’re right. The decision isn’t mine, it’s yours and Luffy’s. So do what you want, if you do end up someone’s captive don’t say I didn’t warn you.” The seconds passed by in heavy, agonising silence. No one dared to move as you and Zoro glared at each other, defiant and locked in an intense battle. Finally your upper lip curled upwards as you ground out a terse. “Fine.” Roughly you brushed passed Zoro and headed for the door, only stopping to scowl at Luffy. “I’ll continue to take my chances with your crew so long as you promise you’ll take me home after this island.”
“I promise.” Luffy smiled. You still couldn’t wrap your head around this happy-go-lucky Captain and after your heated exchange with his second in command you left the dining area with a firm click of the door signalling your exit.
When the sound of your steps were gone Zoro let out the heavy sigh he’d been holding. While he hated being so cold and harsh with you, it was necessary in this instance to make you see sense. He felt a small sense of relief when you relented and agreed that they’d be the ones to take you back to your island. At least this meant he could do this much for you, he could see you safely home and still know the feeling of your presence for another few months even if you wanted more than anything to be as far away from the crew as possible. There was no ‘win-win’ situation in any of this for him but as long as you got to live your life content and how you wanted then he could accept that and do his damnedest to ensure you got what you wanted regardless of how much it hurt him.
————
“You’re sure you don’t mind me going onto the island?” Chopper asked cautiously as he looked over your mostly healed injuries the next morning. The more extreme wounds still caused you some discomfort but you were able to move as freely as you could now and knew your limits so you gave the reindeer a small smile.
“I’ll be fine, you’re only going for a day anyway and I doubt I’ll injure myself here, I’m not that clumsy.” You assured him but still he hesitated. “Chopper, I mean it I’ll be fine. Go and enjoy your exploring. You’ve been looking after me all this time, you deserve some fun.”
“I don’t though.” Chopper protested with a firm shake of his head. “I don’t deserve it.” You tilted your head at his statement. Against your better judgement you couldn’t help but had a soft spot for him. He had saved your life and nursed you to help, pirate or not you owed him a lot and given how much time he’d spent with you in your recovery it was only natural to feel a bond beginning to form with him. Chopper slowly met your gaze and you could see shame in his eyes. “It’s all my fault. That day when the storm started it was my idea to take shelter in the ruins. You got hurt because of me. You hate us because of me…Zoro’s sad and not sleeping because of me.”
His revelation stunned you and feeling the guilt and weight of his confession had caused a lump to form in your throat. You tried to shake how hearing Chopper mention Zoro specifically made you think of the card you’d found. You weren’t going to entertain the possibility of you being in a relationship with the man. You weren’t going to start to consider that you had chosen this life. It would drive you mad otherwise. Still you couldn’t let Chopper beat himself up over what happened.
“Chopper, I can’t tell you what happened that day and I also can’t tell you that things would have been different had we done something different. I got hurt and lost my memories that’s all I know.” You began as softly as you could. “What I do know is I’m alive because you’ve been looking after me and I don’t blame you for any of it. So do me a favour and go out there and enjoy yourself okay?”
“Thank you.” Chopper sniffled before smiling brightly at you, leaning forward to hug your side as gently as he could. “Will you be okay-”
“Yes! I promise I’ll be fine.” You insisted with a small roll of your eyes. “What’s the worst that’s going to happen?”
“Well it’s just…Zoro’s the only one staying behind.” Okay, now you were reconsidering whether you would be fine on the ship.
————
For most of the morning you avoided going to the deck so you wouldn’t have to run into your only ‘companion’ for the day while the others were away. However there was only so much you could do to pass the time. Ever since you discovered the card you were hesitant to touch any of the other books that were apparently your personal possessions out of fear of finding more evidence of your history with the Strawhats.
Then you came to the decision, if you were to trust these people to bring you home then it meant you were going to be in their company for more months ahead. Why should you be the one to hide away? You weren’t their captive so you weren’t going to act like one. Leaving the medical quarters you climbed the steps to the deck and saw that it was empty. At first you believed you were alone and continued up the next set of steps to sit in the shade of Nami’s tangerine grove but stopped to see Zoro lying on the grass, sleeping soundly. You waited for a moment but he made no reaction beyond the slow, relaxed breaths. You continued to the seats and sat in the one furthest from the man who was supposed to be the only source of protection to the ship.
Basking in the sound of the waves gently lapping against the ship and comforting warmth coming down from the island’s summer sun, you sat back in your seat and got comfortable letting your own eyes slip closed. The second your breathing evened out and your head tilted to the side, Zoro’s good eye opened slowly. For a moment he continued to lie on the grass and stare up at the broken streams of sunlight coming through the canopy of leaves and his fingers twitched against his swords that lay against his hip. While he couldn’t sense any current threats nearby, he wasn’t taking any chances.
He wasn’t sure how much time had passed until he suddenly he sensed something heading his way, sharply he snatched it in the air and looked to see the tangerine in his hand. Arching an eyebrow he glanced up to see you slowly peeling your own tangerine casually.
“Thought you were sleeping.” He said carefully while sitting up to press his back against the wooden railing and lightly toss the tangerine you’d thrown at him into the air and catch it, the only thing he could do to occupy his thoughts and restlessness.
“Getting comfortable and sleeping are two different things.” You said simply. “Besides it’s not wise to just nap out in the open when at an unknown island. One near death experience is more than enough.” You added, pretending not to notice the way Zoro’s jaw clenched and his hands faltered slightly at your remark. You did gesture to the tangerine in his hand. “Aren’t you going to eat that?”
“And piss Nami off?” He asked sarcastically. “That’s one headache I don’t need.”
“What she got a rule about the tangerines?”
“Yeah, no touching without her permission or paying.”
“Funny…” you mused before popping a segment of the fruit into your mouth. You chewed thoughtfully and swallowed, savouring the sweet, refreshing taste. “I don’t remember her telling me.”
Zoro let out a small huff and smirked, shaking his head before stopping and glaring at the ground. He shouldn’t have laughed at that but for a small moment it had felt like the you he loved.
“Oh come on, that was funny! It’s going against everything in me but I’m really trying here to at least be civil.” You snapped in exasperation. “Or would you rather we fight and glare at each other the entire time I’m on this ship?”
“You’re only being civil because part of you still believes that if you’re not we’ll change our minds about taking you home.” Zoro stated making you freeze. “You don’t trust us, not entirely. Tell me I’m wrong.”
“I don’t have to tell you anything.” You deflected, looking away from him.
“No you don’t because I already know the answer.” Zoro slowly got to his feet and turned to look at the island the others were currently on, cursing them for forcing him into this situation. He knew that they’d planned this, thinking the impossible would happen but this wasn’t helping him.
“Okay if we’re playing the truth game then you look me in the eye and answer me this, do you love me?” Your question came suddenly and Zoro turned his head sharply, he hadn’t expected that. You remained sitting in your seat as you stared at him with eyes burning; challenging and intense and as beautiful as always. “Well? What’s the answer?”
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YAYY!! Reqs are open again! I know you’ve already done something similar but can you do maybe some hcs of Graysons mental if that makes sense (like anxiety, depression, schizophrenia) only if you feel comfortable ofc <3
sad grayson head canons pt. 2
of course! i wont be talking about schizophrenia though bc i don't know enough about it and i don't feel comfortable talking about smth knowing i might be writing things that are completely inaccurate and that might offend/hurt some people. i apologize if these suck or if this is really short. when i made this post, i had just found out someone in my family was in the hospital and i wrote these to distract me so idk how good they'll be. not all of these will be on anxiety and depression btw. tw for suicidal thoughts. hope you still like them <3.
when he swims at night, the pool tends to be very cold bc its the one of the only things that makes him forgot about everything that is making him anxious. if he can't swim, he takes cold showers.
although it might not look like it, he gets very anxious and overwhelmed in situations where there are a lot of people. he overthinks everything he says to them, wonders if his suit looks nice enough/if he's presentable, if he's making a good impression, and has trouble focusing when there are so many people he has to talk too. he's very good at hiding it though so you would never guess (like i said, multiple people, if its just one person it doesn't matter to him)
like i said in my last hc, he gets anxious when talking to many people. i want to add that usually, its not usually himself that makes himself anxious but emily talking in his head telling him he's doing smth wrong. basically, if it weren't for emily, he wouldn't be anxious talking to so many people. idk if this one makes sense.
one of the reasons he wears suits is bc it makes him feel put together when he feels like a mess in his head. he always looks so flawless which makes people think he's fine.
he went through a period of time when he was younger where he couldn't get out of bed to go to school/do his school work which ig seems ooc, but we're talking about young grayson here, not the put together version of him we know. he hated himself so bad he didn't think it was worth living anymore and thought that there was no point in working if he wasn't going to live long enough to get a career/become an adult. also, another reason was bc he felt sm pressure to be the best that he kind of just gave up. tobias got mad at him and thought he was overreacting. he did get better thanks to his brothers, enough for him to start doing his school work again and start handling the pressure he was under.
he's very self-conscious about his appearance. by this i don't mean looking put together, i mean sometimes he'll look in the mirror and think he's gained weight which makes him workout more/swim. its not that he finds himself ugly, he just doesn't want people to notice and think something's wrong/he's going through something when he obviously is (cause in his head, if he doesn't always look the same, people will think smth's wrong/he's loosing control but thats just not true).
he used to have bad acne growing up and it really affected his confidence. he used to try to cover it up with concealer but no matter what he did it was always visible. it ended up going away but he hates looking at old pictures of himself cause he hates seeing it. it caused him really bad anxiety in public bc he thought people were judging him.
sometimes, people will try to talk to him but he won't hear them bc he can't stop stressing over all of the things he has to do and is stuck in his head. people have to repeat what they're saying and and shake him to get him out of spiraling.
grayson tried to stop taking his anti depressants when he was younger cause he was sure he didn't need them. he realized not long after that he couldn't just stop and that they were actually helping him.
after he realized they were helping him, he started to wonder why he couldn't be 'normal' like his other brothers (at the time, he didn't know his brothers were also struggling with their own issues)
to handle his anxiety when he was younger, he would punch a punching bag. this was before he learned how to handle his anger and stuff. he only allowed himself to lose control when doing this.
his room and office have to be clean at all times. if it isn't, it causes him even more anxiety. it makes him feel messy and not in control.
his grand father used to tell him that hawthornes don't have mental illnesses and that he's overreacting (stupid ass grand father). it made grayson feel like he wasn't good enough.
after avery almost died during the bombing, he considered offing himself bc he didn't think he was worth it. he let one of the people he cares most about almost die, and the guilt was nearly too much for him.
grayson used to feel like he shouldn't be struggling the way he is bc of all of the opportunities and money he has. he felt like his feelings weren't valid, and that others had it worse. he tought he had no reason to feel as crappy as he did and that made him hate himself/think there was smth wrong with him. it only made him feel more depressed.
sometimes, he'd go on the rooftop of the house to get some air, see the height and the deadly fall, and consider jumping off. he used to think everyone was better off without him and that he'd be doing everyone a favor by offing himself.
in my first sad grayson post, i said that he owns a teddy bear nash gave him. he'll never admit it, but when he feels really anxious and like his world is crumbling down, he cuddles with it. it's one of the only things that actually helps him calm down. it also helps when he has a panic attack, he grabs it and holds it against his chest to relax (it also helps him sleep). the only one who knows about all of this is nash.
his anxiety tends to get worse during the winter cause he can't swim in the outdoor pool. its one of his most effective coping mechanisms. swimming in their indoor pool isn't the same according to him.
he used to hate christmas bc people would get him gifts he didn't think he deserved. he loved the gifts he'd receive but thought that people shouldn't be spending their money on him and that others were more worthy.
he used to see a therapist on and off for a while (in secret) when he was younger but would always end up stopping after his grandfather found out and told him he was wasting the therapist's time. he finally starts seeing a therapist consistently in his mid-20s (so after tgg and stuff).
#the inheritance games#grayson hawthorne#jameson hawthorne#avery grambs#nash hawthorne#xander hawthorne
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This fic came straight from my feelings. I wasn't feeling very good, everything was overwhelming and i wanted to cry.
But it all inspired me well enough to write this fic, where Gale has a panic attack (so this is tw). Somehow making Gale feel at least a bit of what i felt, was very comforting to me.
Btw. This is UNEDITED (just letting you know and sorry)
Breathe, darling
He can't breathe. He's trying to catch his breath. Unsuccessful. He sees Bucky right in front of him, but he's blurry. He could recognise him only because... Well, who wouldn't recognise Bucky? With his broad shoulders and charming face. Dark brown curls, soft voice, whispering a low "are you okay?". He can see and hear those things, yet he can't bring himself to actually acknowledge them. His heart was pounding like it should jump out of his chest at any moment. His hands and legs were shaking. His fingers tapping on the mattress of the bed, unsteady and loudly. It was harder to breathe with every inhale he took. He was starting to choke. That's the first time he hears John's voice clearly.
"What is it? What's wrong, Buck?"
He couldn't get any words out. None of his senses were working. It was almost like he couldn't control his body at all. His eyes started to get watery and he felt tears were about to fall. He can't let that happen. Men don't cry. That's what his father always used to tell him. Men always have to be strong, crying is a weakness. It never occurred to him that Gale was merely a little kid, who just fell and had a bruise on his knee.
One wouldn't guess that trying not to cry would be this difficult. In his mind suddenly all he could think about was "do not cry, do not cry, do not cry", which made him want to cry even more.
While this was occupying his mind, he kind of forgot that he still needs to breathe.
"Buck, darling, you need to breathe, okay? You need to breathe for me, could you do that?"
And Gale could never say no, not when John calls him darling. Or any other pet name actually. It's almost a curse, John's words are sometimes too much for Gale. Too much love to bear. John took Gale's hand and placed it on his chest. Then placed his other hand on Gale's chest.
"Okay, why don't we try syncing our breathing, baby? Come on, up and down, just like me."
And so Gale tried. He focused on his hand on Bucky's chest and tried to match his breathing. Tried to catch his breath and get back to reality. Away from his mind. Away from his awful head. The worst thing is, even if John helps him to escape now... It's only temporary, he'll be trapped immediately again. Isn't it the saddest thing? Being trapped in your mind forever? How could people accept that and be okay with that?
Right now he wishes he could crawl into John's body, that his soul could intertwine with John's and that they'd become one. United forever. He quite likes the idea of John's protectiveness.
If he and John just could be together. But that's only if, and if belongs to fantasies and dreams. They both can't afford that, they barely have the time to afford whatever they're doing now.
"That's my boy, your breathing has calmed. Now let's keep it steady, yeah? Try to not get upset again, my darling."
John was about to pull his hand away, but Gale reached for his wrist and put it back on his torso again. He needed to feel John's touch, he reckons it might be one of the only things keeping him sane at the moment.
John understands. John gets Gale. It's the best feeling Gale thinks he'd ever feel. The way he and John know each other so deeply, their communication without words, they show their needs with a glance or an expression. Maybe after all their soul might as well be intertwined and if they're not they at least live next to each other.
And so John sits up next to him, standing up from his kneeling position in front of him and pulling him in for a hug. A very careful one though, he must have been scared to not squeeze Buck too much, especially after his trouble with breathing. Nonetheless, he wraps his arms around Gale's waist, rests his chin on his shoulder and leans his mouth into his ear. If Gale would have been in his right mind he'd have freaked out heavily, but he's sort of not in his skin, still high on his panic attack.
"What happened, baby?"
John whispered. And Gale couldn't care less for the world and the expectations put upon them. Right now it was only John and him. John who was holding him close and whispering to his ear, while slightly caressing his lips on his neck. He didn't kiss him though, his lips were just hovering over the area. Almost like exploring.
"It was- i... uhmm"
He still couldn't say a coherent sentence. Bucky can sense it and turns him, so they're facing each other. And with the softest, most gentle voice he said:
"I know maybe you don't wanna talk about this and I'll respect it, if you don't. But don't you think it'd be better for you to say it out loud? And you know, maybe just tell me. After all, it's me, Buck. It's only me. You can tell me anything."
It's Bucky, it's only Bucky. So he tells him.
"I'm uhmm- I'm not very sure. I just wasn't feeling well, it's just a lot. All of it, i mean. Suddenly the air was suffocating me like when you're too high in the sky and you don't have a mask on."
"Oh, I'm so sorry-"
"It's okay. You handed me the mask, at the very last moment. You saved me."
"I believe that's exactly what I'm here for."
"Are you?"
"Yeah, cause i couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to you. And because you don't deserve to feel like you don't matter anymore. Or that you're not loved. Because you are, Buck. I love you and care about you. And if you need me to help you put the mask on again, just ask me, I'll find it for you. And if your hands would be too weak, I'll put it on and I'll make sure you'll breathe again. I'm with you, always and forever. It's you and me, Buck."
And after that, there was nothing more to be said. Buck couldn't even think of words to match these. Or some that'd make a good response. But when Bucky's looking at him expectantly, probably waiting for him to say something, he manages a quiet:
"You and me, Bucky."
Which seems to satisfy John as he smiles and lies on the bed. They're alone here. It's late at night, but everyone's at the bar. They were there too until Buck wasn't feeling well and excused himself from the room. He ended here, in the barracks, choking and trying to find breathable air as Bucky came to rescue him. The other guys will probably come back soon. They should go both to their beds. But John is currently lying in Gale's bed. And what's he to do about that?
So he lay down, put his head into the crook of John's neck and nuzzled his nose to John's pulse.
"The others will be back soon."
Gale mumbled. But none of them move an inch. After a long while, John said:
"Yeah. Are you feeling better though?"
And Gale wasn't sure what to answer. Sure, right now he was feeling really fucking good. He was lying next to John with their bodies touching whole. But his anxiety has increased lately. As well as his panic attacks.
"Yeah, I'm feeling better. I'm good. Thank you, John."
He doesn't say any of that. John already thinks he's fragile. In a very specific way though. Bucky knows Gale is very strong and he is the most composed and all that stuff. But he also knows what's stuffed under all of that. And that's this. Because every emotion he pushes down goes down there and one day that place will explode and Buck has no idea what will happen to him then. He just hopes John will be with him.
A noise. They hear chattering coming closer to the barracks. John's body jumps up and he lets himself have a second to calm down. He then looks at Gale, with those beautiful blue eyes and whispers to his ear:
"I'm here whenever. Don't forget about me, love."
He licks the shell of his ear and Gale shivers as John's wet tongue meets his skin. It was a gesture, Gale didn't understand what it meant exactly, but John was telling him something.
When he hears a click and the doors open, John is dutifully sitting on his bed reading his book. Gale didn't quite understand how he got there, but it didn't matter. He probably dazed away, too occupied with the linger of John's tongue on his ear.
He fell asleep as he was replaying the sound of John's "don't forget about me, love" in his head over and over again. And he thinks, how could he ever forget? How on earth could you forget about John Egan?
You simply can't.
#buck x bucky#clegan#gale cleven#john egan#mota#buckbucky#masters of the air#mota fanfic#fanfic#austin butler#callum turner#my feelings#vals mota drabbles
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Ramblings About Batfam Comics I Read This Week
So. I spent this week reading unhealthy amounts of batfam comics, and I have thoughts!
I have now read the entirety of the Red Robin solo comic, all of Batgirl Volume 3 (Stephanie Brown's batgirl run), Batman: the Road Home because I kinda had to for context, about half of the currently running Batgirls comic (Cass and Steph share the Batgirl role with Barbara as their mentor and also sometimes Batgirl), and The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller.
Why these? Simple, I wanted to read Batgirls, I wanted Red Robin Tim, and I wanted Carrie Kelley's existence. So, without further ado, here are my major thoughts!
You know me, my ramblings turn into long essays, so it all goes under a cut and subsections! As per usual, TL;DR at the bottom!
Multiple Comics:
1. Comics are funnier than we give them credit for. Even the edgiest ones I was reading left me cracking up every once in a while.
2. I have maintained this since I first started learning about the BatFam, and I will maintain it till I die---Batman has partners, not sidekicks. They don't follow his orders. He doesn't LET them do anything. He runs around doing damage control while a bunch of absolutely feral children fight crime. Batman doesn't make heroes. He finds heroes and makes sure they have access to a decent first aid kit, training, and some morals.
3. Stephanie Brown is a BAMF who does NOT get the love she deserves. Not only is she smart, determined, and awesome in a fight, she's got something that many batfam characters lack: kindness. Stephanie is sweet and adorkable and nice to everyone while still managing to be a chaotic, hypercompetent, sarcastic menace to society. I'll go into more details under the Batgirl v. 3 section, but I am now a massive Stephanie Brown stan, and I will not tolerate slander! Put some respect on the name of Stephanie f*cking Brown!
4. I am now both a shipper of TimSteph and CassSteph. With occasional HarperSteph. This is unsurprising. I have multiple characters I like together in most mediums, and I don't give a crap about canon, so I can ship whichever one I'm in the mood for! :)
5. In a similar vein, reading the comics very much stoked my already strong DickBabs fire. I love me so Birdflash, RobStar, and Babs/Kara, but I'm beginning to think DickBabs is my favorite combo.
6. Stephanie's OG spoiler costume is her best one, but she's at her best characterization as v. 3 Batgirl.
7. F*CK YOU NEW 52! Nobody likes you, and you ruin everything! You robbed me of my favorite incarnations of these characters! DEATH TO THE NEW 52! BURN, YOU DISGUSTING INSULT TO NARRATIVE CONSISTENCY!
8. Damian and Dick as Batman and Robin are honestly precious together. I only got bits and pieces viewed through Batgirl and Red Robin's eyes, but I really like them and their dynamic with both each other and everyone else. I think my favorite thing is definitely that they have named combo moves where they complete each other's quips. It's adorable.
9. Bruce is a well-meaning a**hole. He really does care about his family, but he needs to trust them more and get MUCH better at communicating.
10. Did you know everybody has a cool base outside of the Batcave? Damian and Dick are based in Wayne Tower, Tim has his Nest, Babs has the Clocktower, and Steph's Team Batgirl has the Firewall which is below Oracle's apartment.
Red Robin Solo Run
1. Tim is one cool BAMF. Man fought the whole Court of Spiders at once---who were killing League of Assasins members for fun BTW---and won and got the civilian bystander out safely. He blew up ALL of Ra's Al Ghul's bases, then fought off Ra's double threat of a hostile takeover on Wayne Enterprises and attempts to assasinate all of Batman's loved ones. He took down the evil, corruptive, hive-mind dark-net that supervillains use to communicate (yes this is a thing that exists). He successfully got evidence that Batman was alive when NOBODY else believed him and then was one of the first to actually know he was back and easily pass Bruce's tests (yes, Bruce tested people instead of telling them he was alive, because he is a well-meaning a**hole).
3. Tim is an edgy teenager. He does at least as much brooding as Batman, but with this sarcasm and dry wit behind everything that Batman doesn't really have. Tim has a consistent "Well f*ck my life, I guess," mentality that is FASCINATING to read, and is the source of a lot of his humor. He has a habit of reacting to really dramatic and serious situations with a deadpan "Welp. That ain't good. Guess I'll either figure it out or die trying."
2. Tim is apparently a chick-magnet. Just in Red Robin, he's got a thing going with Tam Fox and Lynx, Prudence Wood thinks he's sexy, he almost gets raped by Ra's Al Ghul's half-sister, and he and Steph still have feelings about each other that primarily consist of "why does my ex have to be so hot?" I am now incorporating this fact into ALL of my headcanons. It also makes for some fun drama, because all of these ladies (except maybe Steph) are way more into Red Robin than they are Tim Drake, even if they're aware of his identity. I find this objectively hilarious.
3. Tim's cowl is stupid. Apparently, the artist got the memo about halfway through the comic since tim has a pretty cool, uniquely shaped domino mask when he's in the Ünternet. This should be his mask in all appearances. Clearly unique to Red Robin, but not the stupid earless cowl.
4. Tim has SOME sort of neurodivergence going on because my man hyperfixates like nobody's business. He literally has a page where he rambles about how something'll catch his attention and he'll get sucked into it and give it his whole focus and be unable to stop thinking about it, to the detriment of his other commitments.
5. Tim somehow manages to have a thriving social life and no social life at all, and the comic agrees with me. He regularly teams up with the Teen Titans and other Gotham Weirdos TM. He's got a civilian ally/life companion in the form of Tam Fox. He has his guy in the chair, Money Spider a.k.a. Anarky a.k.a Lonnie Machin. He's got Prudence Wood and a couple of other folks with questionable morals on his payroll. And of course, he's got Bruce. He even tells Ra's at some point, "I'm not Batman. I have friends." But he also seems to do a really good job at not telling people things and thus being isolated anyway. He doesn't really doesn't share much of his personal stuff with anyone, especially not initially, so they can't really help him with stuff or provide him with the right companionship. This is perhaps most evident in his relationship with Tam Fox, which he effectively destroys by not telling her that her father Lucius isn't actually dead, and Tim just faked it for one of his plans. He didn't even forget, he just deemed not telling her the best course of action. Both he and Batman are concerned about this.
6. Tim has MASSIVE supervillain vibes. Like, Tim would make the BEST supervillain if he hadn't decided to be so heroic. Lemme. Lemme just give you a list.
Tim has a hit list. And those aren't my words. He calls it a hit list. It's mostly supervillains, and he specifically designs his schemes so that one arrest leads directly into the next. But it also has Robin as a contingency plan and a couple of other people who are decidely not bad guys.
He's a schemer. Bruce's whole test for him involves testing how he does at improvising because Tim has a penchant for creating carefully crafted plans like some sort of maniacal supervillain. And they work pretty much every time.
Tim's subconscious mind manifests as The Riddler. Lemme explain. While Tim is in the virtual reality, Ready-Player-One-esque dark net that the supervillains have set up, his attempt to puzzle out what's going on manifests as The Riddler giving him cryptic clues. The Riddler. THE RIDDLER! This is decidedly his own doing, not the Ünternet's.
Tim keeps his morals because he promised Batman, not because he actually has those morals himself. This sounds worse than it is. It's not like he actively wishes to break his moral code, he just comments multiple times in sticky situations that he would do X thing if it wouldn't be so disappointing to Batman and other people. On multiple occassions (see, blowing up the LoA bases), he actually does X thing because he thinks it's more important than approval.
Tim has ambitions to make Gotham the leader of the world. He specifically starts a number of international outreach programs for Wayne Enterprises with making Gotham the World Hub in mind. He has other altruistic reasons, but this is the one he's most focused on. This scheme also inspires Bruce to start Batman Inc., a.k.a. the thing Bruce has been doing since his return from his vacation in the time stream. Tim acknowledges that he's the inspiration and also that Bruce does not consciously know he was inspired by Tim.
He's manipulative and will work with all kinds of people if it serves his goals. This includes unpredictable people like Anarky, dangerous people like Man Bat, and morally questionable people like Lynx and Prudence Wood. His manipulation tactics mostly come in the form of cutting off other people's options until helping him is their best choice and withholding information until sharing it suits him. Batman in the making.
You see what I mean? Kid would make a GREAT criminal mastermind. Definitely got them villain vibes.
7. F*CK YOU NEW 52. The comic ended really abruptly on an ominous note with an unfinished plot because suddenly we had to do a whole reboot of the universe. Because the New 52 SUCKS!
Batgirl Volume 3
1. *ahem* STEPHANIE BROWN IS THE BEST CHARACTER! STEPH STANS UNITE! WE RIDE AT DAWN!
2. No, but seriously. I mentioned in the general section that Stephanie is a total BAMF who also has SO much heart! I think something really unique about her is her ability to be kind to and befriend literally anyone.
She becomes tentative friends with this absolute jerk girl Jordanna who's really mean to Steph because she's possesive of her friends, who all think Steph is cool. Steph doesn't judge, presses on, and manages to get Jordanna to at least accept her, if not be actively kind to her.
It's due to Steph's efforts that Wendy Harris a.k.a. Proxy a.k.a. Oracle in Training really feels accepted in her new hero role.
Steph looked at Damian in the height of his brat era and said, "You know what this kid needs? A bouncy house! Yeah, I'mma teach him how to have fun and be a kid by forcibly taking him to a bouncy castle!"
Batgirl is noted as. . .not as legal as Batman, but she still manages to make her own police force connection.
She's helpful and chill to Klarion the Witch Boy even though, as usual, all their problems in that issue are his fault.
She beats up a dude who's trying to blow up a train, and her ability and tenacity impress him so much that he becomes the Grey Ghost and tries to help her out. She thinks it's annoying and is worried about him (rightfully so, since he gets shot), but she does listen to him.
Steph will look at almost anyone with kindness and without judgement and has an astounding capability to befriend people because of this.
3. Steph is FREAKING HILARIOUS! Steph is probably the chattiest hero, especially when she's fighting bad guys, and it is both so effective and SO funny! She'll just start totally random conversations about WHATEVER while she's busy beating people up, and it makes me cackle every time. She also literally teaches people banter and gives them turns! It's amazing! Like, I'm not sure I'd call her quippy since she's not actually usually insulting people. She's just making casual, friendly conversation at really inappropriate times for it.
4. That's not the only way she's funny, either. Steph also has "inner monologue problems" where she'll say her thoughts out loud. This becomes a running gag to the point that Babs'll continually have to tell her she's using her "outside voice." It's funny and awkward every time! And then there's her habit of paraphrasing stuff that culminates when she tells Wendy the entire batfamily history in chibi doodles with absolutely zero respect. Never fear, Stephanie is here to make you laugh!
5. Steph is a GRADE A BAD-A**! My girl will challenge anyone, get in over her head, make decisions on the fly, and still win! Technically, this is a Batman Road Home Moment, but when Batman pulls his "I'm testing people instead of telling them I'm back" BS on Steph, she b*tch slaps him and then runs away while saying "I'm glad you're not dead." Bruce's only response is Bruce-speak for "I deerved that." When literally all of Gotham turns into mind controlled zombies that are after her, she outruns them by hijacking an equally mind-controlled ManBat, wrangling him until they crash into the airport, and then hitching a ride with Proxy in the T-Jet that they barely know how to fly. This works. Even when she's getting knocked around, Steph is kicking butt, taking names, and refusing to let her frankly awful lot in life get her down.
6. Steph is an improviser. My girl almost never has a plan. She thrives on the chaos. She's far more likely to disobey orders and go in guns blazing and figure it out on the fly than waste time trying to meticulously plan out something that'll probably go wrong anyway. Like, she knows the value of planning and does it every once in a while, but I feel like Steph would win almost any fight where both parties have 0 prep time simply because she's so much better at thinking on the fly and getting herself out of scrapes than anyone else.
7. Steph doesn't follow ANYONE'S orders because she is an independent adult, dammit! At the beginning of the issue, Cassandra Cain runs off to Hong Kong and hands off the Batgirl mantle to Steph. Literally everyone she comes across gives her crap for not being Cass, tells her to stop, and thinks that she shouldn't be doing that job. Everyone from random street level goons to Barbara and Dick. Steph doesn't listen and keeps going until she finally shows off enough determination that Babs gets her head out of her ass. Even after that, Steph'll happily disregard orders from Oracle, Batman, Red Robin, her mom, the cops and anyone else who tries to boss her around if she thinks it'll help. And the best part is, she's right almost every time. Steph has good judgement. She knows when she's right, and she won't let anyone tell her different.
8. I absolutely loved the dynamics between all the members of Team Batgirl. Babs taking Steph under her wing and helping her come into her own as Batgirl is amazing. One of the sweetest moments in the whole thing is when Babs gifts Steph the original Batgirl costume (she'd been using Cass's up until that point). In turn, Steph helps Babs open up and find joy and purpose in her life again, when she'd mostly been running on spite at that point. They also are so in sync with each other that it's hilarious. My favorite example is, in a situation that is getting progressively worse, Babs and Steph have the exact same inner monologue: "Crap. DOUBLE crap." It only gets better when Wendy's around, with Steph and Babs connecting to her issues each in their own way. It's beautiful and really helps Wendy grow as a person and heal her heart.
9. Steph needs to do more team ups with people. Yes, she's fantastic and compelling by herself, but she becomes downright marvelous when she's got someone to bounce off of, and her natural friendliness makes her a good pick for team ups. One of my favorite issues was definitely the one where she hung out with Kara and they beat up vampires together. It was adorable.
10. F*CK YOU NEW 52! WHY DID YOU TAKE THIS FROM ME?! WTF!
Batman: The Road Home
1. I only really read this one for context on what was going on in Batgirl and Red Robin, but I do have a couple thoughts.
2. Alfred and Co. have basically kidnapped Hush a.k.a. Thomas Elliot and are holding him hostage in a penthouse. They force him to do appearances as Bruce Wayne while Bruce is still missing, and he is soooooooo salty about this. This is objectively funny.
3. Vicki Vale is actually a really cool character who deserves better. A bit lacking in the common sense and self-preservation departments, but cool nonetheless. She's pushy and invasive and catty, but she is good at her job and I would be just as irritated as her if I had fallen as far from grace as her.
3. Bruce, you're an a**hole. You wanna tell people you're home instead of putting them through insane tests of skill and character while disguised as some random and possibly malevolent vigilante? They GRIEVED you! Some of them are probably STILL grieving! Give Dick a hug dammit!
4. Ra's, you're a creepy weirdo. Go back to brooding in your vampire box now please!
The Dark Knight Returns by Frank Miller
1. These books are REALLY FREAKING GOOD. I know, who woulda thought, seeing as how it's one of the most popular and talked about Batman comics ever. But seriously. You should read these. I was reluctant to do so, since a lot of people were like "Oh it's Frank Miller, he's edgy, and his Batman has all the tired edgy Batman tropes." I'm sorry, you don't see him using guns, you don't see him killing anyone, you don't see him being a terrible person. This Batman NEEDS a therapist. Desperately. But he's also still a good person. This is ACTUALLY cool edgy Batman, where his issues are used to create a more compelling narrative, not the "cool" edgy Batman that operates under the "grimdark is cool" principle.
2. I almost cried a couple times! This comic has an overwhelming melancholy feel that I just really enjoyed. Everything and everyone feels tired and sad. Everyone. The best part is that this comic is told primarily from Bruce's perspective and Bruce is SO empathetic and caring, that he feels not only his own melancholy, but everybody else's too, and it's so effective! I think the best example is when Two-Face, recently released from Arkham, goes full relapse and Batman is forced to tie him up and leave him for the cops. He looks at Harvey and just goes "That's a kindred spirit, and I feel for him."
3. The story is told interspersed with TV stations and news radio fighting and bickering and reporting. Nobody is quite sure what to make of the Batman situation, and almost all of them feel negatively about it. The only reporter who actually seems in support of Batman is Lana Lang, and she's also one of the few people who feels RATIONAL during the comic. Like, everybody is reacting very poorly and with panic and contempt towards Batman's return, and it really really isn't helpful. You get this feeling of "it's us against the world," and it really contributes to the vibes.
4. Bruce is an old man. He's technically only 55, but a lifetime of fighting crime, trying (and failing to quit), and becoming dependent on alcohol to keep away the nightmares and the call to dress up as The Rodent of Vengeance will seriously mess up your body. Every time he gets in a fight, he is extremely conscious of how slow he is, how much more he can feel each hit, how much of an advantage all of the youngsters he's fighting have on him. It's to the point that he literally has to plan around his old age and failing body.
5. Alfred is PEAK SASSY in here, and it's beautiful! I actually think this might have the best characterization of Alfred, like, ever. He loves Bruce. That's his kid. Not his master. His kid. He's not gonna leave him alone. But, he also has too much dedication to his role as "butler" to actually stop him from doing anything STUPID, so he resorts to just sassing the man RUTHLESSLY instead. And for all the sass he gives Bruce about being Batman, he's also just as deep into this weird lifestyle. The highlight is definitely Alfred telling Bruce after the first night out that if it's suicide he's after, Alfred has an old family recipe that will be just as slow and excruciating, but less illegal.
6. Commissioner Gordon does not, never has, and never will get paid enough for dealing with this. Commissioner Yindel has no idea what steaming pile of sh*t she's just stepped into, and Gordon tried to warn her. Gordon, even though he continues to not particularly approve, remains one of Batman's staunchest allies through the whole thing. It's actually really heartwarming to see their "brothers in arms" thing they've got going.
7. OHMIGOSH CARRIE KELLEY! That is one AMAZING Robin right there!
Do you know how she becomes Robin? She sees Gordon turn on the batsignal, and she's ✨inspired✨ She saves up two weeks of lunch money, buys a Robin costume, grabs a slingshot and some fireworks, and starts fighting criminals and discreetly following Batman around. Like, that's just some sheer tenacity right there! My girl has moxie! She has grit! She has heart! She's the perfect Robin!
Anytime I do stuff with Carrie Kelley, I will be including the fireworks. Her first act as Robin is to stick a firecracker in a mugger's back pocket. Seriously.
Her first thing she does with Batman is to follow him to a really dangerous fight, find him at the end, drag his unconscious, broken body back to the batmobile, splints his arm with her girl scout training, and get him back to Alfred so he doesn't DIE! Batman, already feeling extremely sad because he misses Dick, decides to train her and take her on.
Poor Carrie! Her parents are awful! Like, they don't remember they have a kid level awful! Being with Bruce might be child endangerment, and he might be a quiet stoic bastard who keeps threatening to fire her, but at least he acknowledges her existence!
Carrie, my darling, my dear, my sweet baby girl, I don't understand HALF the stuff that comes out of your mouth! You and your 80s slang. Sweet mercy.
8. I think this universe had a. . .um. . . Marvel Civil War thing. Like, the whole thing is that Superman works for the government, invisibly, instead of publicly. He has to follow their orders, and he doesn't like it, but it does mean he still gets to save people. Oliver/Green Arrow apparently didn't listen and is rotting in jail (Bruce has to bust him out in the last issue). It's implied to be, along with the death of Jason, the thing that made Batman quit. Now that he's back, the whole government is NOT HAPPY about it. They mostly just try to ignore him with "not my circus, not my monkeys," but, the president does sic Clark on him to try to talk him down. Clark predicts that this'll go badly, but tries anyway. His prediction is correct.
9. Poor Selina! You didn't deserve that. TBH, nobody except Joker deserves what happens to them in this book. It's all just really tragic and sad.
10. Bruce is a deeply unwell man in this comic. Like, he definitely seems at his most emotionally healthy and lucid while he's being Batman, but that kind of obsessive drive clearly isn't good for him, mentally or physically. He's kind of just, purposeless and slipping away before he takes up the cowl, and afterwards, he is so so sad and feels like he's succumbed to his worst impulses. It's a lose lose lose situation for him. Poor dude.
11. F*ck you Joker. 'Nuff said. Stay dead this time please.
12. Batman, you've emotionally adopted Carrie. I know you're actively doing child endangerment and stuff, but you care about this little girl. You can stop referring to her as "good soldier."
13. The shot of Batman on the horse makes me want to write a Wild West AU of Batman, because that was a vibe and a half!
14. Just go read this one, seriously, it's good.
TL;DR
I know I didn't put in a segment on Batgirls, but I wanna finish that one first! It'll probably get it's own post!
Basically, this post boils down to:
Batfam comics are really great. I like reading the comics. At least the outdated ones that I was reading.
Steph is the best, put some respect on her name.
Comic books are funny.
Comics are heartwarming.
Tim has supervillain vibes and sad wet cat vibes at the same time.
The Dark Knight Returns is really sad and really good.
F*CK THE NEW 52!
That's all I've got for you! I still gonna be stewing on these for DAYS, but this at least helped get it out of my system. Now go read some comic books!
#this got long#as per usual#One more time#fully uncensored for emphasis#FUCK THE NEW 52#batman#batman comics#comic books#comic book ramblings#comic book appreciation#batman comics appreciation post#ramblings#comic book essay#of sorts#giraffe's ice-cold take of the day: the New 52 Was a Bad Idea Actually#batgirl#red robin#stephanie brown#stephanie brown is the best#stephanie brown appreciation#tim drake#bruce wayne#carrie kelley#prudence wood#tam fox#damian wayne#dick grayson#barbara gordon#wendy harris#oracle
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Good evening, @writerbuddha. I'm a little confused about Anakin's arc in "The Phantom Menace", especially in the climax. What is Anakin's arc in Episode I about and how is that reflected in the film's climax and ending? What does the character learn or fail to learn at the end of the film?
Hello! :)
George Lucas described The Phantom Menace as basically Act I in an epic, where the characters and the basic themes are introduced. Episode I is actually the beginning of Anakin's arc, arching over the trilogy. We're introduced to him and his flaws as well.
We see that Anakin is a very compassionate, courageous and kind person who "gives without a thought of reward" and "knows nothing of greed," and being a Jedi Knight, a guardian of peace and justice in the known universe, who lives for others, is what he dreams about doing. However, we get to see the crack on his armor: Anakin has a fear of losing is mother, he doesn't want things to change, although Shmi tells him, "you can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting." The Jedi Masters, explaining, there is always fear behind anger, there is always anger behind hate, and these are add up to a state of suffering, and lead to evil behavior. Because he has much fear in him, the fear of losing a coming and passing thing, there's a possibility for that to grow into much suffering, not just on his part, but on the part of others. This is the groundwork upon which Episode II and III is built, the foreshadowing of the fall of Anakin Skywalker and the rise of Darth Vader.
With that said, in The Phantom Menace, Anakin learns some lessons. For example, he has to acknowledge that being clean of fear is not limited to having the courage to die for them - it also includes having the courage to live without them, and in that sense, he is very much fearful. He also has to face with the fact that a Jedi Knight can be killed, which feeds into a larger realization: when the good guys win, sometimes, one of them dies, and you must accept the fact that in life, there is no clean, perfect, absolutely satisfying happy end. There are things that we cannot control, so we will never get it just how we want it. Anakin is accepted into the Order, but he had to leave his mother behind. He saved Naboo, but Qui-Gon died. I think it's important that at the end of the movie, everyone seems content, smiling, but Anakin only smiles at Padmé. So, to me, that shows, he has troubles with emotionally accepting this. Which, again, is the inability to let go of what cannot stay.
The way I see the movie, the character who learns something at the end of the film, whose arc is completed in the movie, reflected in the film's climax, and it's also the central arc of the movie, is Padmé and Naboo as a whole: the peaceful and the warrior-like are frowning upon each other, one lives on the surface, in flowery cities, the other is underwater surrounded by beasts, one is led by a queen the other is by a king. Padmé is despised of the concept of war and insist, negotiation is always the answer, but eventually, she must realize that sometimes fighting is necessary. Instead of waiting for the strong and wise leader to solve her problems (which is how tyrants get power: sit back, people, leave this to me. I will fix it, I will make a safe and secure society… in fact, why don’t you put me in charge of everything? You can get on your life, I will bring your security, safety and prosperity!) she decides to stand up, to not to descend into political passivity and apathy, and save her planet. She reconciles with the Gungans, as well as her own warrior-side, and they mutually accept each other at the end of the movie, in harmony and balance.
I hope this is helpful! :)
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Fuck guilt "activism" -- it makes you feel guilty for spending a penny on anything that isn't going towards a specific cause. Food? Guilt. It could go to children. Decent toilet paper? Guilt. Pizza? Guilt. Pet necessities? Guilt. Saving up for a necessary surgery? Guilt.
Making people feel guilty about shit does not an activist make. You can do great shit for important causes while also not making people feel guilty for existing.
#i am bedridden and am trying to save up for surgery on my back#everything i can't save my parents will have to take from their credit card#which have high af interest rates btw#and fun fact: people need food#they shouldn't be made to feel guilty for not starving themselves for any cause#and the pizza. wanna know something?#my parents have me buy it with THEIR MONEY#Their money would never in a million years go to most causes that are important#i can only sometimes control WHERE we get it#and yet i feel horribly guilty for it#and i'm tired of it!#activism centred around guilt are bullshit#among many other things they burn people out#i'm still crawling back from being burn out in 2017 or so#i can't open activist emails no matter how much i want to#i am only just starting to be able to send emails again#i haven't gotten back to being able to make phone calls#activism means pacing yourself and taking time away from it to recover#if you burn out you're useless as an activist#guilt-based activism is a fast-track to burnout#i'm going to stop frustratedly rambling now
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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sorry, i think this might come across mean, but it is simply how i feel.
almost always i genuinely enjoy writing alt text and im glad im in the habit of doing it. but also, the idea of having someone else describe my images instead of me is so viscerally repulsive. I wonder if we could use this to get more people to write alt text. if you dont wanna write alt text then someone else decides how your post looks to people using screen readers (or people with slow internet). shudder !
and i want to be clear. the people who add image descriptions are incredibly kind and doing a great service often for little to no recognition or appreciation. And a lot of them are good at it. But it isnt about the quality of the description--they could be the best damn writer in the world, they could knock my piddly description into smithereens--if someone else ever became the voice to describe my art, or my face in a memey selfie, or literally anything i posted for public viewing, i would explode. i was born a control freak and i will die a control freak. ONLY I DECIDE MY NARRATIVE ‼‼‼
#indexed post#It would be noble to say that making my work accessible is the only reason i do it...#But this is admittedly also a factor#And as usual I recommend the “alt text as poetry” workshop which informs how i approach alt text. i want to make a summary sometime#also bc like we live in an instant gratification timeline#lots of times i share something privately on discord or on a locked acct where i know nobody needs the descs#so i can be like yayy everyone like my picture like 2 mins after i post it and get 100000 notes#and then after like an hour or the next day if its late i write the alt text which almost always takes like 2-5mins tops#and post it publicly and then im like yaayyyy ayyaya yayayyayayayyayyyay ayayayayyay#but yeah i think like as a sighted person writing alt text is its own expressive form that grants you extended control over your art#so even if you dont personally know or feel the impact of alt text on others#You can come to appreciate it for self-serving reasons HAHA.#the optics of this are obviously not as good but personally i think the pragmatic results outweigh the purity of the sentiment imo#and curb cut effect etc.#anyways. just my musing for the night
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natsume book of friends season 4 opening sequence has got me incredibly fucked up. the lyrics. kid natsume's tiny little legs and teenage natsume watching him run. the lyrics. nyanko-sensei burrowing into his arms. did i mention the lyrics? ending frame on the fujiwara family. including natsume. because he's part of their family. as the lyrics ask him to "please [not] keep suffering alone"? somebody fucking hold me.
#i'm actually almost done with season 4 because i have no self-control. and every time i watch the opening i'm like#no this has only gotten more potent since the last time i watched it. we are reaching danger levels#natsume yuujinchou#natsume's book of friends#my posts#season 4 is the season of tanuma just completely destroying me on every level. why is every single character like this??#every time he learns something about natsume he's like oh so this is what it's like for natsume?#and then it happens again and he's like wait natsume ALSO has THIS OTHER THING to contend with??#and again: AND A THIRD THING?? WHY MUST THE WORLD'S BEST BOY NATSUME TAKASHI SUFFER???#he just wants to help natsume deal with stuff and i am on the fucking floor#his thought process is just#this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe here's a way i could help him? he doesn't want me to though because it would#put me in danger. but i don't want him to be in danger either. and i'm telling him that to his face. i don't think it's really#gotten through to him but that's okay i will just keep telling him. now i'm realizing that the thing i did to help him maybe just made#things harder for him. this is hard for natsume. i wish i could help him. maybe sometimes the best way to help him is to just#respect his wishes and yet remind him that he can lean on people and that people love him as much as he loves them#the part where tanuma realized why natsume doesn't tell the fujiwaras about youkai gutted me#this kid is so emotionally astute and such a sweetheart#i just watched the episode where natsume loses his picture of his parents and his old house is getting sold and i cried. SO many tears.#tanuma putting his foot down for once like no actually you need to admit that something is bothering you this time#we can find this picture. ask us to help you do this thing that we can actually do for you. you don't need to be sad for no reason#mmm can't be coherent about it just rest assured it was extremely harmful to me and also exactly what i needed#anyway the season 4 opening song as the thing you say to your younger self who lives inside your current self because#you can't actually go back in time and be the person your younger self needed to have in their life. so all you can do is love that child#in absentia but so so so fiercely and with your whole entire heart#all you can do is give your current self all the love you have for the child you were#jesus CHRIST
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I have some kind of weird evil wizard curse on me where I feel deeply sad and uniquely horrible when my beloved bestie roommate is home but feel Normal and Emotionally Regulated when theyre out like literally what is wrong with me good GOD get that girl some therapy !!!!
#sorry trying this thing where i speak the thoughts that haunt me and build up in my head as 'unspeakable' anxieties to weaken their power#good thing no one can see this!!!#anyways i want to reinterate that i love my bestie so much and i love BEING with them#but when theyre home and we're not actively hanging out and sometimes even when we ARE i get. like this#i dont understand it#not to be all emo mcdarkness or whatever but i really feel so much more lonely when im around people than when im alone#whats up w that??#like idk is it just a matter of me being jealous that my bestie spends more time with their partner than with me?#or am i jealous bc i dont HAVE a partner like that who is always there for me and considers me their number 1#OR am i in love with my bestie and unable to admit it to myself???#or am i just autistic and having a meltdown every time i socialize with people and realize i am not like them#and dont think i will ever have the emotional intelligence to have a healthy adult relationship like they do#and it drives me fucking crazy with grief??#vs when im alone im like. not even a person anymore and dont need to be seen i can simply exist and do puzzles and listen to podcast#????#no but fr this has been a major issue for a long time now and I'm only recently starting to uncover the patterns in my sadness#and im legitimately so scared im going to reach a point where i need to move out on my own and have more control over when i see my bestie#just to get a handle on this insane mood fluctuations that i truly dont understand#and i dont even know how i would begin to broach that topic with them#bc we have promised each other so many times we would always live together#please god let saying this all out loud make it easier to bear 🙏
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#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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#part two omg <333#u can tell i originally was gonna tweet this and then it spiralled out of control to the point it got too long for tumblr tags. anyway#sometimes i just think about things and i get sooo mad lmao . i knew i was trans probably since i was like 11#meanwhile was so fucked up about this i just ignored it and slowly let it eat me alive for years and years until i hit my brink .#makes me so mad how the few like 'tolerant' and 'accepting' people around here act where theyre like#oh you can be that way but just ignore it <3 dont act on it <3' . you people would rather me go back to#being a suicidal 12 year old instead of actually existing and being happy. you people who know shit all about what i go through#its insanely funny to me too like compared to a large amount of people i am like extremely religious . i have#so much of the quran mf MEMORIZED. A SOLID CHUNK OF THIS ENTIRE BOOK. MEMORIZED#I CAN RECITE THE VERSES FROM IT IN PROPER FORM. i know more than my own dad does and yet.#everyone around me who isnt this at all is like oh yes we know sooo much about everything and this is#soooo gross and disgusting and perverted and sick and evil right maryam. yeah it sure fucking is besties <3#i can be everyones token poster child of having Envious amounts of knowledge and a role model for every future hafidha .#and yet you all only like me because you have to and youd all hate me if you knew anything about me#if you read all this my bad i am just crazy and angry and insane#i will go back to normal later i just need to be insane for a minute lollll#sometimes im like 'why am i so angry. why do i have ptsd' and then i remember how everyone around me is#vent#part two !!!!! wao <333
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kinda wondering if i exaggerate the issue in my own mind
#then again. i cried cuz he told me his boyfriend bought him antacid#it was just such a sweet tiny intimate thing that i immediately started crying even though it’s so fucking stupid i could scream#i will literally never be able to meet his boyfriend literally ever. or anyone he ends up with. for the rest of his life.#i’ll never be able to look any of them in the eye as i lie through my teeth#sometimes i cry just thinking about that and how sad that is#how he deserves better than that#i cried for days after each art exhibit#i cried AT the exhibits. i walked away from him and cried#including the one when we were teenagers#i stand next to him and my body feels like it’s splitting apart at the seams from the effort of biting my tongue#i have gotten better cuz i used to cry significantly more when we were younger#i’d cry pretty much every time i was near him#which i guess still happens but i see him less so it’s not as common as it was#i can’t say i’m making it harder on myself on purpose. it is what it is. it’s always been this way#i always knew it would only get harder when we got older but still#it’s crazy because it’s so easy. like breathing. and i think that’s where the conflict arises#to fight against it is necessary but it’s not easy. it never has been tbh.#it’s like i’m holding my breath and pushing it as far down as i can when i should be naturally breathing. i keep choking on it.#it just always feel so inappropriate because i can’t control it i never know what to do or where to turn#it just makes me feel like a really bad friend
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