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The last few posts are, like I said, from my high school AP drawing and painting portfolio (By the way, the theme of the concentration was "Transformations of the body". Does it read?)
I have some complicated feelings about the work. Below the cut I share some musings about it.
Warning, this story is about classroom abuse.
My high school art teacher was hypercritical, controlling, and at times coercive. In other words, abusive.
Because we, her students, regularly won awards for our work, she continued mostly unchallenged by the school. She was working there for over 15 years.
I was her favorite, so I was spared the worst of it, but that isn't the kind of privilege you're happy to have. Favoritism is conditional on obedience, and in this case, achievement through technical skill.
I generally try to make the best of any situation--Call it resourcefulness, or opportunism. I tried to explore and express my ideas while still getting her approval to go forward with the pieces--At times a lengthy process. I knew to keep my most vulnerable ideas to myself. She might have vaguely known that I enjoyed manga, cartooning, and surrealism, but I kept it hidden. Everything I brought to the table was a sacrificial lamb.
It's a particular kind of violation to not just lack ownership over your own ideas, but even your physical output. For some students, she would actually paint or draw over parts of the work to "correct" them. This only happened to me once or twice, and I usually managed to paint back over her work without a fuss. But even if I only dealt with it in the ideation process, all of my work from that time inevitably still has her hands on it.
I decided pretty early on, unrelated to her class, that I was not interested in pursuing art professionally. As I approached graduation, adults in my life would constantly encourage me--"Don't let this talent go to waste! Don't stop drawing, okay?"
It was difficult to understand. Drawing is reflexive to me. I couldn't really imagine a world without it--Even a "me" without it.
And that's still true in a lot of ways. I don't think I can ever put the pencil down completely. But certainly, I've had to make time for it, and it's no longer my biggest priority. There are weeks, probably months I've spent without drawing much of anything. It's been years since my last oil painting. I miss drawing with colored pencils.
In high school, I had some hundreds of hours dedicated to nothing but making art--But only under the hawkish eye of the teacher. I could make these highly developed pieces because I simply had the time to do so. If nothing else, I enjoyed the technical process.
If I want to make work of this caliber again, I have to devote a similar amount of time--And as an adult, time is on quite the premium.
When I make art, I never think of high school. Regularly I forget it ever happened. Wisely and tragically, I knew how to compartmentalize.
In the absence of acute pain, what I carry is more insidious--That strategic disconnection, that permanently-guarded heart. The sharpening of my abilities such that I appear as a whole self when I am sharing just a sliver.
There isn't some grand moral to the story here. The abuse neither actively haunts me, nor can I say I have recovered from it. It simply happened. But I know a lot of students were turned off from art, maybe forever, because of that teacher. They carry medals that don't feel earned. They struggle to find an artistic voice amidst the din.
At times, I need to make art to understand how I feel. Other times, I need to understand how I feel to make art. I can't help but see the image of things I want to create, even if I don't know how, even if I'm not ready.
Obviously, there's life after this kind of abuse. I'm living it. More than giving me new baggage, it's more accurate to say it codified existing problems. Anyways, I'm sharing this old art because I want to claim the past as mine, even if it's painful or embarrassing.
I'm hoping to make more art soon. I am trying to unbind myself from careful strategy and intention and to create things that bubble up from my subconscious. There are ideas I have held onto for years that are just waiting for me to create them. Even if it's slow or difficult, I hope I can share them with you some day.
Thanks for reading.
#indexed post#abuse /#personal /#irt the final paragraphs regarding intention -- i try not to focus on numbers because who give a shit#but it is pretty funny that my most popular works are the ones i made with no planning lol.#Also please dont send me advice or armchair diagnose me based on this post. I already know. It just aint about that rn
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feeling like the rice they insulted to prove vibes are magic today
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dress like an adult man + accessorize like a little girl to unlock some new type of feeling in the people around you
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"what if the moody fanart from mentally ill splatoon fans was actually concept art?" - splatoon 3: side order
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Guy can't stop uploading detailed MS Paint drawings of a specific surgery to Wikipedia; Gets banned
On April 1 2023 a user by the name of Jhnnyboy341325 uploaded a drawing, ChestSurgery.png, to the "Resuscitative thoracotomy" Wikipedia page to illustrate the technique, citing a "Jeff B." from "pixiv" as the source of the image. "A clamshell thoracotomy is depicted in the art to the right." This was quickly reverted by JBW two hours later:
The picture can be traced to jeffbozos43's drawing "Katie's Thoracotomy", which is viewable with a Pixiv account (warning for gore and... odd vibes). On June 9 the picture was removed from Wikimedia Commons for copyright violation (uploading from Pixiv without explicit consent).
On April 28, Hahnuggt322114522 uploaded Clamshellincision.jpg, captioned, "An emergency clamshell thoracotomy is shown below."
On May 3, Drwallace491582859 replaced the inline text with a caption: "Depiction of a clamshell thoracotomy or two antero-lateral thoracotomies," preserving the image.
On June 8th, "depths of wikipedia" noted the odd manga-style edit gracing the page:
This is an edit of Pixiv user 春千代 (Haruchiyo)'s suggestive guro art "心臓" (Heart)
A day later, an anonymous IP user reverted the edits.
On June 10, Drwallace4194 added an image, "Clamshell_Surgery.jpg" to the general "Thoracotomy" page. This image is an edit of "Katie's Thoracotomy" that covers more of her body and is currently still on Wikimedia Commons (archived).
On June 13, Myoglobin reverted, but applauded Drwallace4194's creativity:
October 13, Jamessavage299119 replaced both the general Thoracotomy page and the specific Resuscitative Thoracotomy page's primary images with Clamshellexample42.jpg and adjusted the caption accordingly. This image is currently lost.
Reverted by Stryx9876 October 22:
November 18, Doctorwallace34195124 replaced the primary image with ClamshellThoracotomyXample.jpg, viewable on Wikimedia Commons here (archived).
On the same day, Larry Hockett reverted these, politely indicating that the contributions did not appear constructive on Doctorwallace34195124's talk page.
The surgery pages have remained the same since.
The accounts were flagged as potential sockpuppets for "adding manga" in June, though only Clamshellincision.jpg was in a manga style. In November 18, the accounts were banned for being sockpuppets of Jhnnyboy341325 and arguably vandalizing.
Only time will tell if Jhnnyboy returns with any more of their beautiful vision. I hope they will.
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The thing that I really love about the counselor scene is how, like most other things in Petscop, it walks an unplaceable line where you can't really determine if it's a "good" development or not.
Petscop (the story) strips the sense of safety and comfort from every major locus of stability available to a child. Home, family, and school become charged, but that's honestly not so surprising for those familiar with abuse. But then it erodes the world of games and play, where you aren't spared even in your "escape"--and systems that exist to get you help, like counseling or adoption, seem distorted, sinister, clandestine.
I do ultimately read the ending of Petscop as an optimistic one, where Care is adopted by Lina (and Belle) and is allowed to become Paul, who comes to confront and accept his past and maybe move forward. But I think it's critical that the adoption is beat-for-beat quite similar to the initial kidnapping, that there's this sense of greater machinations at work whose motivations can't be understood (the Credits ending left a real pit in my stomach; And what does it imply if Lina is the "Boss"?). We don't really get to know what Paul thinks or feels about all this, just that he kept playing until the end (and potentially against his will).
I don't think any other story has really captured how trauma makes it difficult to discern safety from danger in such an overt way. I haven't really experienced a story where you have to simultaneously hold both the best and worst interpretation of an event in equal measure. I think that's what makes Petscop such an exceptional story to me.
So that's the interesting thing about the counselor's affirmations. On one hand, after abuse that seems to have fixated on asserting one reality onto Care--that she was Lina reborn, and that she needs to be turned back--The idea of having one's own sense of reality affirmed is a breath of fresh air.
But at the same time, it places a lot of pressure to resolve ambiguities, to have answers for things that aren't fully known or are yet to be understood. If the whole world will move to make your story true, are you going to spin a happy tale, or a sad one? Is Care's escape a victory, or just a shifting from one kind of abuse to another?
The game obsessively records the player(s) arguably to extract information and become a source of truth. Where IS the windmill? Where is Lina's grave? What happened between Care's escape and her arrival at the house? The game seeks a certain reality, but codifies ambiguities and half-truths--explicitly requiring the player to hold multiple realities at the same time.
The player in the counselor's room is suddenly tasked with resolving these ambiguities, not necessarily through telling their story, but through living their life with the expectation of having it affirmed.
Yet by bestowing the player with the ability to assert their reality, the counselor actually reinforces the power of greater forces to enforce and manifest that reality. Even if it's wielded to positive ends, it's a terrifying notion.
You're free to do anything you please, but can you really bear to, knowing that something out there can make whatever you believe come true?
#I never did finish my thesis about petscop and information control/the construction of reality and its rship to trauma and abuse#but someday perhaps#indexed post#petscop#petscop spoilers#Also the Counselor song is one of my favorite on the ost
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dunmeshi just isn't a super fandom-able story to me idk. like it's so crisp and self-contained. there's a lot of little things to be elaborated on (what a great story for gag comic fanartists) but things like Big shipping and stuff just like don't occur to me really. like i think some characters have feelings about each other, but where do you even find the time to write fanfiction? In this economy
#indexed post#ive heard buzzes of like kabru/laios explosion and its like#I think kabru->laios is just funny as fuck but like. Actually 'shipping' them?#I fundamentally lack any real desire in seeing dungeon meshi characters kissing each other.#Though I do think some of them definitely do kiss. Like farcille of course
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the world's first explicitly kin-affirming retail experience
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i think perhaps desire is some warm and tender thing that accumulates the dust and grime of repression until it seems really gross and you dont want to touch it any more. It's like a squishy toy. Let's go wash off the shame dust bunnies together
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Being reminded once again that a lot of people have fucking sleeper cell agent triggers that make them instantly fail to see the human being in front of them, regardless of any personal history they have or any rapport. instantly, that person is an Enemy that cannot be reasoned with. Permanent fight or flight.
And that instead of this being seen as, you know, a rather maladaptive attitude to bring to your relationships that will permanently strip you of the capacity to experience full love and companionship, there is a dominant strain of thinking that this is a reasonable, righteous, moral good.
That a "boundary" looks like building an impenetrable wall that nobody can see but you; That conversation, negotiation, and collaboration aren't just avoided--They're treated with contempt. The very notion of trying to understand why another human being that you care about may suddenly act in an unpleasant or even monstrous way is spat upon and trampled underfoot. Complete abandonment is considered a first line of defense rather than a last resort.
I think we all need to do our best to get over this kind of thinking. And I don't mean that we should be push-overs; In actuality, moving away from this kind of rigid "boundary" often means advocating for yourself and fighting for what you think is right. I think we all deserve friends and allies who can compassionately challenge us when we adopt ways of thinking and behaving that hurt others without immediately assuming the worst.
#indexed post#Nothing happened to me specifically just pissed due to events in the orbit#The only qualifier I'll include here is that we have limited energy and this is specifically geared toward people you have a relationship w/#I think random strangers also deserve respect and compassionbut I'm not taking the time to give it to em. That's another person's problem#Also don't give me any 'yeah except for x' shit. I do think if we were able to perfectly know the heart of a person#and see that they are causing or wish to cause harm and refuse to change course at all#Then yeah sure we can say that there's a hard line#But I think very often peoples' convictions are more complicated and contradictory than they may seem#And we cannot rewrite someone's entire experience and nuance with one data point we arbitrarily decide is 'too far'#Anyways this is just a rant it's not the best thesis or anything but hope it resonates or stirs some thought
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i think it would be too simplistic to say that kinnie shit is the main reason the system zeitgeist is really detached from the literature (especially when some literature IS frequently cited), but i do think that fictional introjects--a documented and completely understandable phenomenon--trying to wed themselves to their sources of inspiration rather than articulating themselves in the real world is a canary in the coalmine for a lot of the other maladaptive patterns we end up seeing.
you could make the case that dissociation is an extreme form of "escape from the self"; to be one person is so intolerable that you escape to another. And then another, and another. so escapism is arguably the driving mode of dissociation.
but if you have these parts of yourself that long to escape BACK to, essentially, a "pre-birth" state, who can't bear to accept the circumstances they're in now, then you're probably more broadly still in an escapist paradigm. and so of course you're gonna be splitting new guys weekly, of course none of you communicate, of course you have these strong and extreme wedges between you and the others and you have these clearly defined boundaries while also, in practice, existing in such a limited context that you haven't really self-actualized.
escapism is an understandable reaction to trauma and severe chronic stress, so rather than dismissing this entire kinnie-system phenomenon as doomed, i think we can build bridges toward an understanding of Living As A System that are more aligned with established and successful therapeutic interventions.
the kinnie-system combo melds two subcultures that magnify maladaptive escapism tenfold. this adds new terminology and points of focus that aren't necessarily relevant or accurate (distinct and discrete identities and roles, "fictive" and "factive" language, source material focus, generally Online behavior and interests), and obscures other experiences (lack of clear identity, blending and blurring, dissociation as a coping mechanism for the stresses of tangible daily life, introjection as a start¬ an end) and strategies (expanding the window of tolerance, grounding in the present, unburdening of extreme roles, intra-system cooperation, etc.)
i think as you work toward a grounded view of yourself and accept your reality, you can start to hold yourself more proudly, and own your experiences--even the bizarre one of essentially being a cartoon character ejected from the screen to do dishes.
dissociation is mushy, highly individual, and weird, but also a really practical solution to an impossibly difficult problem. i'd like it if we could change the common vocabulary and perspective to better reflect the diverse and unique experiences of finding a way to live When Guys.
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the problem nowadays is that board games are being made by board game likers instead of mathematicians and other perverts
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