boyfriend!eren headcanons pt. 3 *･｡ﾟ

going insane, so i wrote more bf!eren while in a waiting room. because of this, they are a little more......... unhinged

part 1 part 2 part 4 / masterlist

bf!eren's post-game meal is 3 big macs and 2 mcchickens AND a kids nugget meal (he wants to give you the toy that comes with it because he’s cute) but don’t forget dessert!! he sips his *diet* coke as a palate cleanser and then inhales an apple pie

bf!eren will help old people cross the road/down stairs. he is just that type of guy

bf!eren gets a job coaching a kids' basketball team, and that is a canon event

bf!eren carries your belongings in his sweatpants pockets when you’re out together (e.g. your keys, lipbalm/lipgloss, water bottle etc etc you name it, it’s probably in his pockets)

bf!eren’s phone is very simple—a black iphone 14 with a plain black case, but despite it not even being visible, he keeps a photo of you in the back of his phone (so you’re always with him even when he can’t see you)

bf!eren accompanies you to all your appointments (even if he doesn’t have to) but waits in the waiting room (spoiler: he falls asleep most of the time, kinda embarrassing eren pls wake up)

bf!eren gets you a keychain for your birthday to match his own (i fully 103% believe it would be the lego ones (he would get himself batman, and get you spiderman))

bf!eren leaves his dirty ass bigfoot black vans at your front door (a tripping hazard!!), but it feels so domestic and homey that you can’t bring yourself to scold him for leaving them there

bf!eren watches family guy religiously

when bf!eren gets baby fever, he gets it BAD

but bf!eren cannot be trusted with indoor plants 😐 so (please see part 2 for more evidence (cheez-it incident))

bf!eren buys annie's mac and cheese in bulk (read: he is a manchild who loves cheesy pasta 😋)

bf!eren has an emotional support water bottle (a 1-gallon dark green yeti his mum bought him as a college essential). he does not leave that thing anywhere (carla would castrate him :))

bf!eren owns one (1) pen, so he's constantly stealing yours when he has class and tucks it behind his ear so he doesn't forget to give it back to you (warning he does gnaw on the end like a starved dog)

bf!eren showers twice a day even though i make him sound like he does only once a week :) (and the showers are LONG rip water bill)

bf!eren has a spare charger that is for you only at his apartment <3

bf!eren facetimes you from everywhere (like gross bathroom eren wtf i don't want to hear bathroom sounds, and he just :) but i missed u........)

bf!eren kisses you on the cheeks every chance he gets (big sloppy wet kisses that are so (screaming) so cute and loving and i need him)

bf!eren's hands are rough and warm and dry (not like dry, but like man hand working hands dry you know or am i just talking shit)

bf!eren has his own pillow on your bed that he brought from home

bf!eren has half of his belongings in your room, and yours in his (literally just move in together at this point :/ come on guys)

ok ok bf!eren in those prada sunglasses you know the ones. i know i said in part 2 that he has dad speed sunnies, but those prada ones are so ASDFKJHG

bf!eren makes sure you take your meds (if you have them) every morning/night and calls you if he's not with you to ensure you've taken them (he cares!!!! he's not trying to be overbearing or condescending, i promise)

bf!eren has a nintendo switch so he can play his silly little games when he's waiting for you at your apartment to come home from class (his phone and youtube videos get boring after a while (part 1), and studying is not an option so)

i was in that waiting room for a WHILE ok

i'm gonna post this here bcs initially i posted it to cf on instagram but frankly i have too many cfs who don't know i'm Disordered™ in this way LMAO

this isn't a super emotional vent & shouldn't have any triggers However it is a super annoyed one

i think i try too often to be "silly" scary & mean & Obviously i don't Actually Try to be either of those, i just like being annoying. i find i do this automatically with "friends" who aren't an ep — if everyone else leaves and i'm stuck with just an ep, i suddenly act like a normal person again LMAO

but anyways point is: in this act, i act really stupid on purpose. i act like a cartoon character. i'm a creature of Show✨. i often make subtle jokes abt murder & stuff that'd probably be seen as angsty teenager cringe. i tease people in a very well-meaning but annoying way. this is my persona that has been established in these circles. i want to make it clear, people do not get offended when i'm like this & when they do i make sure to ask about it & apologise bcs that's ~Healthy~ & at the end of the day they usually seem to really enjoy the way i act (some ppl actually seem to enjoy the attention from teasingly psychoanalysing them A Bit Too Much haha)

but SOMETIMES someone takes the act a bit too seriously?? thinking i'm actually Trying to be mean or threatening or whatevs??? & goes "ur gonna have to try harder than that!! it's not working!!!!" and i'm like okaaaayyyyy big boy

& then i actually do what they say & suddenly it hits a wound a bit too deep. just one single sentence.

this just happened 2 days ago & i get it but idk maybe don't get too proud when it's clear it's just fun&games (the same fun&games as Always) & then get shocked.

frankly, i will not feel bad

& i often don't even realise what is “too far” (it's either probably the autism or the low empathy + egocentrism = i wouldn't be hurt if someone said it to me, so why would others?) most times so maybe don't make it a competition bcz then my narc brain Will compete & then try to make me feel bad abt it

me when i'm in friend groups where i constantly intentionally do & say things so everyone thinks i'm stupid & then i act like i'm not for once ;;;

listen. i may not feel guilty for my actions. i may even think you're Unwise for making your ticks so obvious & then proceeding to act like they aren't. however i would greatly appreciate it if you didn't make it some competition that you can't be scared or offended when you very clearly Can Be, you just think you can't be by me bcs you think a cute little afab like wittle ole me is incapable. & then it all gets soooo awkward afterwards even when i try to apologise but they keep going on abt how it was Too Far and That Hurt & when they finally stop they're just awkwardly quiet until they leave

i can understand getting competitive like this & doing whatever necessary to "win" is not a healthy trait & is probably a result of x y & z npd stuff & yes i did feel very ugly when they started belittling me out of Nowhere but idkkk right now i'm just annoyedddd

usually if someone gets like that i have an ep w/ me who knows i'm a narc i can dm to tell them what i Wanted to say & they can laugh w me (sometimes just acting stupid with others but in the know with an ep makes the feeling go away without actually needing to risk doing anything toxic) but they weren't there this time </222

if this is too far, I apologise and just ignore this ask, but I just find it so impressive that your able to keep edging yourself. It just kinda shows how strong you are when you can go so long without getting off and it's going to be so worth it when all the weeks are up and you finally get that release. I've tried edging myself but I can't do it, like everytime I maybe last once before I just can't restrain myself and just the neediness. Which makes me all the more impressed by how good you are at denying yourself, I might have to try harder next time. :)

- 🦊

it's definitely not too far! thank you for sending this in!

i definitely haven't always been this good at edging myself. as soon as i understood the idea of orgasm denial, it was really appealing to me, maybe literally my favorite kink. but when i was less experienced with it, i would struggle just to edge, go to sleep, and then not immediately get myself off when i woke up.

but a big thing about me is that i will make self-control as much as i need to if i want something bad enough. and funny enough, not getting off is something i want pretty damn bad. so with practice i did my first week, and eventually i made it a whole month. that was a while ago, and then i took a break from doing denial longer than 72h just bc i wasn't feeling it—i had a lot of other stuff going on and i just didn't have the time or mental bandwidth to be like. so horny i start to shake a little twice or three times a day.

but then i got back on board with it a couple months ago when i started this blog, and i figured i would try out letting tumblr notes decide when i get to come, which turned out to be 1) way hotter and 2) even more motivation not to go over. it turns out your body can do some incredible things when you don't have a choice in the matter... i do sort of wish i knew someone in person who i could have this sort of dynamic with, because i think that might be even hotter still.

i don't really have sex dreams and i haven't ruined yet so it's been a really high intensity period of absolutely no release... so i can't exactly say it's easy, but it is surprising to me just how doable it feels to just keep edging.

another consideration is (and idk if anyone else thinks this way. lmk if you do!) when i'm denying myself it's almost like my body is the submissive entity and my mind is dominating it? i rationally know that my brain and my body are one thing, but it's sort of the dominance of my conscious mind over all the pathetic needy stuff my body tries to do to go over the edge. maybe that's weird, but it seems to work for me pretty well. i think this is a big part of why i don't get much subbier when i deny myself—if someone else were denying me, i could be submissive to them about it, but i'm basically just denying myself. and in that scene i'm at least as dominant as i am submissive.

there was a blog on here a long time ago, i think it was significantly pre-purge, where the person running it would deny her followers but she also did long-term self-denial. and she never framed her own denial as submissive, even though everyone she kept denied was very submissive to her about theirs. some part of me wants to be like she was—knowing what it's like to be denied helps better get into the heads of submissives who themselves are denied.

anyway! big thanks for the ask, it was a good one... if you do deny yourself, let me know how it goes! especially let me know if you're ever edging to my posts. maybe i could even help push you a little bit further than you've gone before, if that's something you're interested in.

This chapter was so juicy omg lets get straight into it

Agatha literally embodies me 😂 everything shes said i’ve either said or thought. From her saying she never had faith in reader’s relationship with yelena to calling it a rebound. She’s exactly right and i’ll come back to those two quotes a little later. The other thing about sparky being a mastermind is something I genuinely thought earlier on i was like aw damn the dogs bringing them back together but I didn’t say anything and now i really wish i did cos same agatha same 😂

Im gonna speak about wanda briefly here and then I’ll come back to her affer. But in that whole conversation with agatha she’s very mature about the whole thing considering reader kissed her. She’s not getting excited about it out of respect for readers relationship(that’s already over but she doesn’t know that yet) shes also being cautious because of what happened last time with reader.

Im glad Valkyrie apologised and that wanda didn’t string her along honestly did not want another reader yelena relationship for lack of better words.

Vision is gone thank fuck for that he will not be missed.

Natasha. Quite possibly one of the saddest parts of the series. Nothing hurts quite like a friendship breakup between best friends. I said it last time and my views haven’t changed. Nat is supposed to be readers friend, while I completely understand why shes angry it makes sense yelenas her little sister and i get it but reader is also her friend. It a complicated situation because its very difficult to be neutral. Reader shouldn’t have cheated full stop. However, if we’re being realistic some could argue reader has been emotionally cheating since the start considering the love for wanda was always there. But back to my point this relationship should never have happened to begin with or at least not when it did. Yelena shouldn’t have pursued reader and reader shouldn’t have dated her either especially not without having the therapy that is so desperately needed. Im not blaming yelena or saying nat’s reaction is wrong because i truly understand both sides its just really sad that this is how its ended. Im not sure what your plans for nat are for once i genuinely dont have a clue.

I think its very ironic that at the start of this wanda didn’t really have that big a support group but now thats kind of the reverse because reader now has no one. I also think its very like idk what the word is “impactful” i guess that now reader’s lost everyone but wanda is still there for them.

Back to wanda. Idk how to feel because we know what happened to wanda last time they entered this sort of arrangement and i really don’t want it to again because she has made so much progress. On one hand i feel like she won’t let herself go back that far but the ones we love can be our weakness sometimes. And on the other hand it seemed different this time less aggressive like the way reader cushioned wandas head. But one thing I didn’t like was reader leaving with no aftercare i saw someone else say it and I definitely agree. PSA to everyone aftercare is so so so important okay? Good. And i also don’t like Wanda missing therapy because of this arrangement it feels like a step backwards (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in terms of story writing cos like i said last time recovery is not a linear path and its really validating that you’ve included that)

And finally pietro. Oh dear god the anticipation is killing me. Ive been dying for chapter 17 and its almost here. He knows why wanda missed the sessions (or at least suspects) and i think hes got a picture of wanda in the hospital or maybe after he found her (im not quite sure who found wanda after she overdosed I don’t remember but uno what i mean💀) and hes gonna send it to reader maybe saying back off

I swear im in love with your brain youre incredible I can’t wait for chapter 17

-🧃

Reading your comments/thoughts is always a favorite habit of mine whenever I post an update. Like, srsly dude, I look forward to it.

There's something you highlighted that I did not even intended in the story: I think its very ironic that at the start of this wanda didn’t really have that big a support group but now thats kind of the reverse because reader now has no one. I also think its very like idk what the word is “impactful” i guess that now reader’s lost everyone but wanda is still there for them.

I guess that happened naturally. I mean, when you're maintaining a positive vibe in life and taking care of yourself in general, suddenly there's room for people in you life who also want to share the same outlook in life. You attract good energy. You're able to take care of relationships around you because you're in a good place. I guess that's what happened :)

Yes, aftercare is really important. R is neglecting herself, wasting away, so she really is incapable of thinking about another person's needs at this point.

My mind?? Look at your mind! Look at what you'll think Piet would do O_O

Once again, thank you! I super enjoy reading your points!

unreal that silver beat the shit out of johnny last season and it just didn’t get acknowledged literally at all

what did it meaaaan???? what did it do????? how did it change kreese and johnny??????? it was pretty clear what it was all about for silver, but not even an acknowledgement? not even a sneering "beat you just as easily as last time pretty boy" when he's got johnny on his knees again (okay that's me projecting some silverlaw into the scene, but hey -- not even a callback to promising to "take good care of" him? no indictment of johnny doing the exact same thing he did in s4, which was to drink and go fight him?), no kinship offered to daniel when he gets beaten to hell by the same man, no sense from johnny that silver is really dangerous and that a skittish terrified daniel coming to him might want to know that this happened so he knows he's not going insane???? kreese would never apologise for its happening, but he's not the sort of guy who likes to be misunderstood, so no need to clear the air there, even if it still ended with johnny disowning any connection to him??? (would that have made that moment - which I do like - even stronger??)

johnny end s5 really just deciding to drunkenly break into silver's home after he got beaten half to death the last time around, what was that all about????

honestly, as much as I Did Not Want Chozen To Die and am glad he didn't, I was so confused by this narrative choice -- they beat the bad guys because they all get drunk and randomly decide that now is the time to beat them. If anything they deserved, narratively, to lose -- to have the rug pulled out from under them, to have their hubris challenged. guess daniel just didn't have the right tactic which was... idk uncoordinated violence I guess

but in s4 johnny's uncoordinated violence got the shit kicked out of him, just as silver had planned for it to

why did it matter? what did it change in the characters?

(characters not being changed beyond a few scenes by what happens to them is a big thing with this show, opposite of characters changing within a moment because the plot wants to move on, see ex. robby and miguel becoming besties from one scene to the next. I had robby and miguel becoming besties on my cobra kai bingo, but I thought that would be an ongoing plot, not a one-and-done)

(the other problem is that the violence is meaningless)

this isn’t really my biggest gripe, I could happily-ish shut off my brain and continue the show, but now I’m like... oh it’s a symptom of how off course it’s all been going, especially with johnny, to whom things now just “happen” and don’t scratch the surface layer of funny drunk man straight guy violent anger guess he’s gonna be a dad now which is the same as character development

it would just be so easy to acknowledge that it happened

BLOG #05 - KIKUO Red Riding Hood's Wolf // Hanatan & (a little bit of) Ado

WARNING: THIS BLOG WAS MEANT TO BE ABOUT A KIKUO SONG BUT I (ALMOST IMMEDIATELY) MADE IT ABOUT HANATAN INSTEAD SO IF YOU WERE LOOKING FOR KIKUO ANALYSIS THEN I'M SORRY BUT MY THOUGHTS COMPLETELY DERAILED RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING OF WRITING THIS.

I'm sure that if you are a Kikuo fan, you are aware of 'Red Riding Hood's Wolf' or '赤ずきんの狼'. Unlike 'In a Deep, Dark Forest', I'm not going to break down aspects of this song and rather just have a discussion about it.

I'm constantly obsessing over some Kikuo song. I'll obsess over a classic, then over a popular hit, then back to a classic and then to one of his instrumentals, etc. This leads me to my current obsession which is, you guessed it, Red Riding Hood's Wolf. What doesn't help is that Hanatan has covered this song, meaning that this song went from expert tier to GOD tier. Hanatan covers Kikuo songs like it's no big deal. As if they aren't some of the hardest Vocaloid songs to cover. Her vibrato? Amazing. Her intonation? Astounding. Her fucks given? Idk probably none.

So, before I continue, I shall present to you a link just like last time.

When she hits the last note on the tararara tattattaa? I actually die every time. I'm gonna be honest, I will gatekeep the hell out of the things I love, but Hanatan is most definitely underrated! This rant is moving more into Hanatan so I'll just continue down this route for a moment. She's recently covered Ado's song 'New Genesis' that was made for One Piece: Film Red. Her cover? Actually bussin. I love Ado as well, so seeing a Hanatan cover of an Ado song? Legit on the floor dying. Sure, some will probably say that there is no point in covering an Ado song cause she'll always do it better BUT I enjoy both versions! I am simultaneously and Ado fan and a Hanatan fan! Plus, Hanatan's vocals were hitting all the right notes just like Ado so you can't tell me she didn't do well.

Here, have a link to the cover if you haven't heard it.

Hanatan also released a youtube short / TikTok of her covering Tot Musica and that also SENT ME.

I know other people said it in the comments but I WANT A FULL COVER OF THIS SO BAD. If she fully covered it in a stream or anything, please let me know but I watched most of them and didn't find it so as far as I'm aware she has covered it here separately.

Anyway, let my scatter brain move on.

So yes, Hanatan. Hearing her voice just reminds me that in my endeavours to learn how to sing, I will never be like her and that the way she so effortlessly covers songs in her streams will always be a reminder of that. I admire her so much and recently she liked my fanart I posted of her (on seperate social media accounts) so my heart melted.

Hey, hang on a moment. Wasn't this meant to be about Kikuo? Oh that's right - it was!! Did I completely ignore my boy like that? Yes. Whoops. Should I go back to talking about him? IDK, if anyone is interested then I will because I actually did have some thoughts I wanted to mention about his song but I'm very easily distracted. You could probably tell. Is this a very short blog with not a lot of content? Most definitely. This turned from a "discussion about Kikuo" into "let me just gush about hanatan." Doesn't really leave much room for discussing, does it? I apologise.

I will try and get better at writing blogs but until that happens you will have to deal with my BS pacing, sorry.

I can't write anymore or I will explode. Bye!

Nobody is cancelling him, they are just disappointed he’s calling an abuser a ‘hero’ and even wanting to be in his presence. If you think a white straight male can be cancelled you’re very wrong. Do you even know what the term ‘cancelled’ means? Sam has said he wasn’t thinking and knows he was wrong for it. Stop defending him for something he knows he shouldn’t have done

This is going to be a messy answer because it's an emotional and volatile subject matter for me and my thoughts are muddled but... For a start...

You're doing it, you're literally doing it again right now with your "white straight male" thing.

Also cancelled is a meaningless word, there isn't a single person who has ever been effectively cancelled.

Also as a victim of domestic violence/rape and coercive control I think I have a pretty solid say on this one. I wasn't even disappointed in him for taking the photo, Johnny Depps a really famous actor who starred in some big films from my childhood, I'd probably have a drink with him because I'm not naïve and I don't believe for a second you can live a morally pure life in which you can be perfect all the time and avoid contact with other people or things you perceive to be morally bad.

What you're saying about how Sam shouldn't even have wanted to be around him, that's you effectively saying that Depp should now be isolated from society forever and idk, that strikes me as weird and not justice at all.

I actually don't care that Sam's apologised either, I don't think he needed to apologise for a photograph. It's dumb, it's not progressive, it hasn't helped DV victims. This whole case has been shit for DV victims, not because of the verdict (though the verdict has been grim) but because its made a complete mockery of DV cases.

It turned a nuanced and horrible case into reality TV for two months. As a victim of DV I can safely say I am now no more likely or unlikely to ask for help, or to talk about my experiences.

My ex tried to take me to court for defamation when I told people what had happened to me and seeing this court case pan out the way it has has been grim BUT,

This court case is so far removed from reality and so deeply embedded in celeb culture that it may as well be an episode of big brother or some shit. Its not going to effect DV victims at all, women were being sued for this shit before, victims will continue to be sued after.

And I'm ngl, the verdict was probably correct, at the close of the trial they had both done so much damage to one anothers careers for having gone through the whole thing so publicly.

Abusive relationships are messy, and nuanced and you can never point blank say that one person was perfect and one person was evil, especially when it sounds the way this one was. It sounds messy and blurred and I just think anyone getting mad at Sam Fender of all people for taking a photo with Johnny Depp pre verdict, not even drinking with him as pals just like one drink and then leaving to go seperate places... Is missing the point massively and as I said,

Proving Sam's point about how there's 0 room for mistakes and you're held to a ridiculously high moral standard that is IMPOSSIBLE to meet by social media and society in general.

His post was obvs not in support of Depp and he hasn't said anything in support of Depp pre now either so for people to jump on it in such a reactionary, angry brain, way is stupid.

I don't know how to break this to you either but, the DV stats across the world are SO high, the gender based violence stats are SO high, that we are all mutual friends with at least 1 if not more people who have treated another person poorly.

You litterally can't avoid them, and again, getting mad at Sam Fender, a man who speaks about women's rights a lot, who does actually try and is actually quite politically concious, over one photo, is missing the point.

This was a mess but idc

tags: miya atsumu x reader angst or fluff idk tbh hurt/comfort but it doesn’t hurt much lol atsumu is stupid as hell, just like me when I wrote this idk it sounds terrible idk what I was doing im on my period anyways 1.8k words go crazy go stupid lmk what you think mwah

-

Miya Atsumu is not the type of person that waits for people.  His busy job as a pro-volleyball player, star athlete, sports apparel model, even men’s cologne brand ambassador has prided himself to be the type of person people wait for instead of the other way around.  Other than the fact that he’s seemingly an important guy that doesn’t want his time to be wasted on, he despises people who ignore his request or make his daily life a mess. There were some issues in the studios some years ago in which he requested a coffee to an intern, really nicely, might I add but the intern who was too preoccupied to even listen to what he was saying got him on his nerves when he was already having a bad day.  In conclusion, making Miya Atsumu’s life a living hell is a no-no.  You can never do that or you will forever be on his bad side. 

So why is it that when he has to go through all of the trouble of having to endure his pet-peeves to wait for you? Why is his daily life a mess and he’s waiting for you under the street lamp pole, kicking pebbles while making a deep story analysis on the people walking the streets to kill the time? And why is it that none of this angers him but worries him more because of what he’s preparing to say to you?

Was it because of what you said months ago? A lot of weeks ago, when you pulled his hand, in the rain, outside of the stadium, telling him how much you loved him and despised him at the same time for making you miserable and leaving you feeling unwanted.  Why is it that he had never had the thought to invite you to any of his games, to the party or gatherings his teammates or his other volleyball friends would host, to the potluck dinner his classmates from high school would organise at his brother’s restaurant?

“Was it because I am not what you wanted, Atsumu? Why is it that every single time that I wanted to take you out on a date or kiss you good morning or make sure you cry in my safe arms you refuse to acknowledge that what I did was an act of love that I felt for you?” you said with tears glittering your sad hollow eyes. 

“Am I not the kind of girl you would choose to be in love with?” Atsumu doesn’t have a single thought in his brain. He doesn’t feel anything for you but guilt. And he knows that when you feel guilty, or is actually guilty you would apologise to the person who was wronged. And he knows better that a good apology comes with a good way to make up for the mistakes that were done. 

The apology was that he was sorry that you’re just not the person he would want to be in love with, but he knows that the only thing to make up for the fact that he has led you on is to actually reciprocate your love.

He can’t do that. Sure, the both of you have spent countless nights together, worshipping each other’s body over an exchange of pleasure and empty words of affirmation, the spirit of love barely hanging on the thread that connects the two of you together.

You fell for him, body and soul but he fell for the affection you gave him, not the entity of you and your whole being. . 

And he still doesn’t have a thought in his head when he is sitting in his brother’s restaurant, not single thought but of you, thinking if he walks into your apartment tonight would it make any difference? Would you walk up to him in your stupidly large thinking sweater, engulfing him in a big hug topped up with a kiss on the cheek like what lovers do or will you slam the door on his face for the amount of misery he put you through? He didn’t know.

And he felt even more sorry for you and himself, despite him never being on the losing end because nobody knows about your relationship with him.  Not even his brother.  He has not given you any credit as everyone and their mom knows that Miya Atsumu is currently in his phase where he focuses on his career and friends before anything that is capable of detaching him from the things that are most important.

You were merely just a piece of puzzle that despite you being gone it doesn’t change the fact that the image was already full and perfect.  You aren't important because he doesn’t talk about you to anyone.  His days went by just fine without having the need to gush about your smiles and gentle touch to his dear brother. His smile is still existent after you said those words to him, he managed to come home just fine, routines undisturbed and his sleeping schedule are perfectly aligned so that he doesn’t have to whine to get out of bed for his morning run.

He was doing just fine. Until the small bits of fragments that reminded him of you start disappearing from his train of thoughts.  Like when he can’t recall the smell of your laundry detergent, or the specific scent of bleach that always happens to linger in the small cramped bathroom of your home. He always liked that smell, and you once told him that you can only get the brands of your home supplies online because it is cheaper. And it drives him absolutely crazy that he was trying so hard to remember the last time he felt your smile when he kisses you or the warm cheeks that he felt while he holds you close, hold you still because as much as he feel nothing for you, he would still be driven to please you, to feel you enraptured by him and his faux affections.

He admits that despite not feeling anything for you, he misses you.  You, the unimportant puzzle piece of his life that was not really needed but is important enough to be included in the box set, to round up the number of pieces that was stated in the label.  Despite being unimportant, you’re still the first person he would see when he just got back from overseas, you who would listen to anything he must say about other people that should not be talked about elsewhere. 

He realised a lot of things too late when it clicked inside his empty brain that his messed puzzle board of life was actually held together by the one single piece of you because without you, he can see the other important big pieces slowly and painfully shatter and shake before it eventually fell and crumble into a staggering mess of problems. He realised that losing you was what it takes to destroy his life completely because now he finds himself walking back to the street that houses your apartment building, the place where the park may seem a bit ancient, but is perfect for his morning run as he casually follows the beam of fresh sunlight. It felt like home.

But his thoughts were always empty, thought it didn't feel full when he was with you, he was at ease. And he convinced himself that it was fine because nobody knew that something might be wrong about him.  Everyone assumed he was fine so he did just that, he made assumptions about himself.

And when he saw you, hands full with a grocery bag, shoulders dropped down, hair messy and eyes tired, he felt like his nerves were finally a bit calmer than usual.

Ah so that was what it felt like.

And then he felt it again, he felt like the puzzle pieces are stagnant, still and completed, he doesn’t have to look around if he’s missing out on anything according to the instructions because it already felt complete and he is satisfied. He gets to see you again!

“It’s weird for you to be waiting down here.  What’s up?” you greeted, your hand that was stuffed inside of your pocket was let out, fiddling with the other hand that was carrying your bag. Your tone was not the least bit delighted and you looked like you wish he wasn’t there, but he knows deep inside that you desire a moment with him so he walked closer.

“I think I missed you. Told my brother about you and he said to stop being a dick and go and see you.” he smiles a little, the way you like it because he knows every single thing that you like about him, he did that more often instead of being grumpy and hateful towards anyone else and it makes him feel better. 

“It’s also weird that your brother knows me.” you shrugged and walked away first.  And just like that day, he pulls the sleeve of your sweater and slowly dragged you to his chest for a hug. 

“I am so sorry for not saying anything sooner, I am stupid.” you stilled inside his hold for a moment.  

“What were you going to say other than the fact that you missed me?” he tightened his hold on you, hands on your waist, mouth closer to your neck. “hmm…I want to eat the pasta you always cook for me, it doesn’t taste the same when I tried it on my own, not even Osamu can  make it taste good.” you pushed him away and walked to the lobby.

“You suck so bad at things like this I hate you, couldn’t you at least try a bit better at winning my heart, I know I am not pretty but don’t treat me like that.” 

Atsumu pulled you in for a peck. “Is that considered romantic? Well I just…what I said about the pasta was true, yours was unmatched and I so badly wanted to eat it but other than that, maybe it’s just the fact that you’re actually…so so important to me.  I woke up every day feeling like things aren’t the way it was supposed to be and I realised that it’s because I don’t get to see you.  You’re so beautiful and enchanting that I just- you make me miss you.  I just don’t want to make myself regret not seeing you again because everything was on me.  I should have treated you better.”  

“I know, you should and you’re still an idiot and I am not talking to you ever again.” you sighed and rubbed your temples.

“But, well, I had enough ingredients to make food for two, so leave after you eat.” Atsumu heaved out the breath he held out for a long time with a sigh.  When he giddily skipped over closer to you, he grabbed both your hands and the grocery bag you were carrying and pushed the elevator button, eyes not leaving you as you refused to look his way. 

“I’ll pay you the usual amount.” he tilted his head at you and winked. And he thinks that that is enough. 

☾✧✧✧ I'm just looking for a good night ✧✧✧☽

female enhanced!reader x tfatws!Bucky

In which you get dragged into a mess in Madripoor while just trying to enjoy yourself. But is the infamous Winter Soldier as bad as you always thought?

[ a/n: idk what this exactly is but i don't hate it, and who doesn't love asshole bucky? maybe i just have a problem, also loosely based on that madripoor episode. also also tried something new for the writing style so i hope you don't mind lemme know if it's shit ]

Minka is polish for strong-willed one, and is a name but here it’s used as a nickname as it’s reader insert

[ word count: ~3,580 words (this started as a lil drabble of reader meeting bucky at a bar, but i guess my brain had other ideas)

includes: asshole bucky, swearing - like a lot (i'm aussie okay?), drinking (alcoholism?), it's pretty fkn angsty, asshole bucky (i'm warning you ok), no -18 pls as it's not entirely g rated & has some implications

[ all works are my own, do not steal, repost or translate ]

tagging some friends (message if you wanna be on a perm taglist/if you don't wanna be tagged in future (i won't take it to heart i promise)) @sweetdreamsbuck @beefybuckrrito @mymindslabyrinth @igotnoname4thisblog @theluxuriousfangirl @posinhay @barnesand1

The music was blaring, sending vibrations through her body as she swayed to the fast beat. Drink sloshing around as she waved her arms around her above her head. This was it. This was living. Drunk, surrounded by strangers. No one knew her and she knew no one. She was free. And it was incredible.

Going to clubs alone was dangerous, she couldn't remember the number of times her mother had warned her not to. She must have been rolling in her grave at her daughter not only going to a club alone, but to a club in Madripoor no less. The thrill that anything could happen only exciting her more. That, and knowing that the Powerbroker wouldn't let anything happen to her, wouldn't let anyone lay a finger on her. That was the perk of being enhanced and not looking like it, it made you useful.

She had lost track of the hours, and the drinks, thinking only of how good the music made her feel. Of how nothing had felt this good in so long.

She waded through the sea of people, already locking eyes with the bartender as she made a beeline for the bar. She was stopped in her tracks, however, by a wall of bodies.

An almost animalistic growl ripped through her as she slapped her hand down on the shoulder of the man in the middle, a big fur collar adorning his coat. A hard hand gripped her wrist in response and her eyes shifted slowly from the back of man one to the owner of the hand.

Her eyes widened at who they landed on, then narrowed to barely visible slits. Yanking her hand back she didn't break her glare.

"I'm sorry, Dove, did we cut in?" The voice of the middle man broke her chain of thought, and when she looked back to him, he had turned to face her. "How about we buy you a drink to apologise."

"I don't want your handouts, Baron." Venom dripped from her words as she spat back her response. She wedged herself between the Baron and the third man, not someone she recognised, to snatch the drink the bartender placed out for her. "Besides, I don't pay here anyway, don't want you wasting your money."

She was about to work her way back through the crowd of people and to the middle of the dance floor again when she had a thought.

"Hold the fucking phone." Spinning on the spot, her eyes narrowed again, this time at the Baron, but that didn't stop her from seeing the man to his left step forward defensively.

"How are you even here? Last I heard you were stuck in a prison in Germany." Her drink was down and she slammed the glass down on the bar, getting threateningly close to him as she did. "Thought you were never getting out after what you did to them." Her sentence trailed off as her eyes flicked to the man next to him, the one with the metal arm.

The Baron offered her his signature smug smile. "Some people had other plans."

"Well, whatever you're planning," She closed the gap between them further. The shifting of bodies next to them was halted with a raise of the Baron's hand. "Stay the fuck away from me." Hatred seeped from her whole body.

Snatching the new drink that was placed on the bar, her gaze was turned to the apparent bodyguard.

"And I'd think twice before you lay a hand on me again." There was no response, but a subtle cocky smirk instead that only heated her further. She was gone before any of them could speak another word to her.

She was only able to start enjoying herself once more when the sight of the three men had disappeared, then, she was able to let her guard down and the beat of the music slowly took her over again. Until she got a call.

Plugging her other ear so she could hear, she took mental note of the location she was told to move to. The call ended abruptly, they always did with the Powerbroker, but this one was serious. She had begun picking up on the subtle differences between the calls.

Her gun was pulled from her thigh holster as she advanced towards the room Selby used for meetings.

She listened from a distance, the ability being one of many. A phone rang. An awkward silence as the conversation started. Names were thrown around, first Smiling Tiger. 'Yeah, that guy was definitely not Smiling Tiger', she thought to herself as she listened, remembering her run in with him one time. The phone call ended with a goodbye to "Sam"?

There were gunshot before she had time to process anything further.

Kicking the door down, she stepped through slowly, gun raised. It had fallen silent, the three men stood in the middle of the room.

"Holy fuck, what did you do?" Her voice was a mix of shock and anger. The men snapped their heads up.

"Things didn't exactly go according to plan, Dove." The Baron regretfully shrugged as he looked around at the collection of bodies on the floor, inclusive of Selby's.

"Well, why the fuck am I-" A fifth person joined the room before she could finish.

"Because the Powerbroker requested it." Sharon Carter approached her, stone-faced. “And nobody disobeys the Powerbroker.”

“I don’t know, I might’ve had I know it was for these idiots.” She was dead serious as she said it, glaring at the men responsible for the bodies strewn about.

Sharon shot the other woman a look, a look that said ‘you better cut it out right now’.

"Don't, Minka." Sharon's use of the others' nickname amplified the seriousness of it all.

The men in the room didn’t know it, but she, Minka, was the only one who knew who the Powerbroker really was. And you could say she was somewhat of a bodyguard for them.

“The Powerbroker requested it. End of, so get over it.” Sharon snapped at her.

“I can’t believe you’re helping these people.” Her grip on her gun tightened as she interrogated Sharon. “After everything that happened last time.” Her sentence ended with a scoff, clicking on the safety of her gun. She didn't place it back in her holster just yet though.

“Enough.” Sharon’s remark was a bark. An order. “Whether you like it or not, you’re involved now, you’ve seen the bodies. You’re part of it now.”

Minka just glared at her, mumbling “lucky me” under her breath as her daggers turned to the men again. Her anger only bubbled more when she saw the one with the metal arm, the Winter Soldier, staring right back, something she couldn’t quite pick up on behind his cold eyes.

Many hours and gun fights later, everyone made it Sharon's place alive, much to the acrimony of some of them. Of Minka.

"You have a beautiful place, Miss Carter." Baron was walking around, admiring the art as he made the genuine compliment, but he was being eyed. Sharon's personal guard wasn't about to let him touch, ruin, anything.

"Don't touch anything, and get changed, everyone knows what we're wearing now." The last part was directed at the whole group. "And you look like shit, too." Her nose scrunched as she looked them over. Even her associate was included in the statement.

Sharon watched as her figure retreated to the room she had set up, she was there often enough to warrant her own one, and then directed the men to where they could pick out some clothes and change.

There was a soft thump as her body landed on the bed, and she released a long sigh into the covers.

"Yeah, Sharon, I'm not in the mood." Her voice was mumbled from the bed, but was loud enough to hear the frustration.

"Minka, huh?" That was not the voice of Sharon Carter. Her head snapped up to face the door to her room that she swore she locked.

"You don't get to call me that." If looks could kill, the man in the doorframe would have dropped to the floor in record time.

"Is that not your name, Doll?" Arms folded over his chest, a mix of metal and flesh.

"Is your name The Winter Soldier?" The words were laced with malice as she slid off the bed, moving towards him to push him out of her room, her safe space. "Now if you don't mind getting the fuck away from me."

A heavy boot stopped the door from clicking into place, his metal hand forcing it back open, eyes dark. "No, I don't think I will." He stepped into the room, pushing the door closed behind him. This time it was her that stopped the door from closing, hand gripped tightly on the handle, pulling back.

"You've got some fucking nerve coming here like that." Minka yanked the handle as the soldier pushed the door harder, breaking it clean off. "Coming back into Sharon's life like you aren't the one that fucked it up in the first place." The handle dropped with a loud thud.

For a moment, something flashed through his eyes. Regret? Sadness? Whatever it was lasted a mere second before he regained control.

"So, you're like me?" His gaze dropped to the handle on the ground, taking the opportunity to gaze down her body as he did.

It was all she could do from punching him right then and there. "Absolutely not!" If the venom in her voice wasn't evident before, it definitely was now. "I don't kill innocents."

The tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. The soldier staring down darkly at the smaller woman.

"It's Bucky."

Her eyes narrowed. "What?"

"My name, it's Bucky. And you can call me that."

She couldn't hold back the scoff that fell from her lips. "I won't be calling you anything. After all this shit is cleaned up, you'll never see me again."

Bucky's head tilted ever so slightly, his voice soft but dark. "I wouldn't be so sure of that." But before she was able to punch question him, Sharon's voice bellowed through the building.

"Downstairs, now."

The pair ripped their eyes from each other, Minka's falling to the handle on the floor. "I'm telling her you broke that. Now fuck off so I can change." And she shoved him out of the room, closing the door over between them, making sure to not close it the whole say so she could actually get out when she was ready.

By the time she had finished getting ready and made her way down to everyone else, people had begun meandering in, admiring the art.

"Took you long enough." Sharon walked up behind her, whispering harshly in her ear.

"Yeah, well you can thank your old friend for that. He's an asshole, by the way." "And he's not a friend." "Well he's the reason I need a drink." She turned to face Sharon, giving her a look of 'I hate you for dragging me into this' before heading to the bar, fully intending on double parking it the whole night.

It didn't take long for her to finally loosen up again, 5 drinks to be exact, and be back in the middle of the dance floor, surrounded by sweaty bodies. It may have been an art auction, but nothing was ever not a party in Madripoor, especially if it was organised by the Powerbroker themself.

Minka was so caught up in the moment that she had forgotten entirely about the events of the day, the people of the day.

She had, yet again, lost track of the number of drinks she'd had. But every drink handed her way was downed immediately, not taking any time to register where, or more like who, they were coming from. That was always her greatest weakness, denying alcohol.

She was happily about to take yet another unknown drink being handed to her, when it was snatched from her reach and discarded on a nearby table.

"Hey, what the fuck, that was mine!" She growled, turning with her fist ready to launch into whoever had the nerve to steal her drink.

"Stop taking drinks from strangers, are you an idiot?" Suddenly the memories of the men she had to deal with throughout the day came flooding back. "You're gonna get spiked- in fact, you were about to with that one."

"What? Have you been keeping an eye on me? That's not very Winter Soldier of you." Her tone was mocking as she glared up at Bucky, struggling to stand thanks to the combination of copious amounts of alcohol and continuous movement of people around her.

Bucky placed his large hands on her biceps to keep her steady, eyes narrowing at her words. "You really don't know how to be nice to people, do you?"

"You really don't know how to stay the fuck away from people that don't like you, do you?" She retorted immediately, pulling herself from his grip. "I don't need a goddamn babysitter, especially not you. You don't exactly have the best track record with protecting people." Her back was turned to him and stalking off before she even finished her sentence, but she was yanked back in by her forearm.

"Yeah, I don't think so. You're being watched like a hawk by at least 3 men. Who knows how many of them are trying to spike you and get you separated from the crowd." Bucky's eyes were anywhere but hers, scanning the vast room for anything suspicious, clearly on high alert.

"I don't understand why you fucking care?" Bucky's eyes snapped down to hers, alarmed by her intensity.

"Keep your voice down or you're gonna draw attention to us." He hissed at her, lowering his head and pulling her arm to move her closer to him.

"Good, maybe security will see you're harassing me and escort you out." She snarled, anger rising with every word he spoke. "I'm just looking for a good fucking night and you've managed to ruin it twice now."

"Well take it up with Sharon then, she's the one that told me to keep an eye on you. So clearly she thinks you do need a babysitter." He dropped her arm, that would be enough to keep her in her spot for now.

"You're lying." Her words were barely above a whisper, eyes narrowed at him. "She knows I can hold my own. She's literally hired me for personal protection before."

"Clearly not this time." Bucky's eyes were back to scanning the room. "Not with the types of people here tonight." Minka couldn't help but scoff.

"Oh, because you know Madripoor, right? You've spent how many years here? Oh, that's right, none." She suddenly saw her opportunity to escape, Bucky's eyes not trained on her and her arms free.

"Tell her, as much as I appreciate it, she can shove it." And with that she had weaved her way though the crowd of bodies.

But her abandonment didn't last nearly as long as she had hoped.

All of a sudden she was being pushed against the far wall of the room where she was escaping to, breath knocked out of her.

"What the fu-" Lips landing on hers cut off her protests. Her eyes widened when she realised who said lips belonged to.

"Get off of me!" She spat when she was finally able to push Bucky off. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"People are following you. If they know you're with me they're less likely to try something."

"I'm not with you. In fact, I want to be as far away from you as physically possible right now." Bucky's arms, which were trapping her in by pressing against the wall either side of her face, fell to his side. His face turned emotionless for a moment before returning to his usual arrogant demeanour.

"You can't tell me you didn't feel the spark." He winked, a cocky grin plastered on his face when he saw the heat creep to her cheeks.

"Please, you wish there was a spark." Her eyes rolled as she paused. "I've had knife fights with more spark than that."

"Maybe we should have a knife fight sometime then." Bucky's response was quick, and smooth.

"Have you forgotten that you're never going to see me again after all this shit? Although," Minka tapped her chin in mock thought. "If you're offering to let me stab you, I'll gladly take you up on that." Unlike Bucky's, her face held no semblance of humour.

"I'm sure you'll change your mind by the end of it." Bucky eyed her suggestively.

"God, please don't tell me you're into me. Maybe I do want those supposed guys to take me, seems better than the alternative." She groaned at the thought of having to deal with him fawning after her.

Bucky's face indicated that that was definitely not he case. His eyes, however, suggested her words had hurt him a little. "God, never. But if you really want, I can hand deliver you to them myself." He pointed in the direction of said men.

Her nose crinkled. "Okay, maybe not them."

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

"Sharon, we have a serious problem!" Minka stormed into the kitchen after the last few people had left and the party was over, Bucky not far behind her. "So I need a babysitter now? I thought I was the personal protection around here." Her fist collided heavily with the table.

"You are," Sharon looked at her nonchalantly as she poured herself a glass of whiskey. "Until alcohol is involved. You're as useless as that new Captain America when there's booze around." A sip. "Case in point." Sharon hummed, watching your eyes follow her glass from bench, to mouth, to bench again.

"Oh please." She snorted. "And you thought pairing me with this idiot was a good idea?" He hand gestured back to Bucky at idiot, not caring if it offended him. "He just makes me want to drink more."

Sharon was about to give her a look, but Minka just shook her head, throwing her hands up. "No, I'm not dealing with this tonight. I'm going to bed." "Take him with you." Sharon nodded towards Bucky.

"Oh fuck no, why the fuck would I-" "Because everyone knows you're involved, and your head is on a spike now, too. They want you dead, Minka." She couldn't argue with Sharon when she used her nickname for her. And the pain in her voice was evident.

"Fine, but you're sleeping on the floor." Bucky just shrugged, "nothing new."

"You sleep there." A finger pointed to the sofa on the far side of the room. Conveniently away from the bed. "I'll get you a blanket."

Bucky's brow quirked. "I thought I was on the floor?" He feigned confusion, head tilting to the side before his cocky smirk returned.

"Keep going and you will be." The blanket was thrown at his face, along with a pillow.

"A pillow too? Wow, it's like a 5 star hotel." She just glared.

"If you snore, you're out. If you sleep talk, you're out. You make any sort of noise and you're out. Capisce?"

"Guess it's a good thing I don't sleep then, huh?" Bucky threw the blanket and pillow onto the sofa.

"Now see, that just makes it weird. Like that scene from Twilight." "Well, yeah, when you put it like that it is." His face screwed up at the thought, recalling the scene.

"How do you- Actually no, I'm tired and I don't care." She had been about to ask how he understood the reference, but decided that was going to open a whole can of worms that she didn't care about.

"I may be over 100, but I have seen Twilight. Wanda made me watch it with her." He didn't need to be a mind reader to know what she was about to ask. And he didn't blame her, it probably would be surprising that a 106 year old had seen Twilight.

"Don't worry, Doll, I won't stare. Much." And now it was her turn to scrunch her face up.

"If you fucking touch me, I'll rip that metal arm from your body and shove it so far up your ass." Her sentence trailed off, however, when Bucky stepped closer to her, his gaze intense as he looked down at her.

"And how do you think I would touch you?" Another step closer, making her step back and gulp.

With her mouth agape, Minka was lost for words, probably for the first time in her life. Sharon unknowingly came to her rescue, though, when she knocked on the door while entering.

"Set your alarm for 6," Her eyes narrowed at them both and the distance, or lack there of, between them. "We've gotta be out of here asap tomorrow. Make sure you get enough sleep." "Will do, Sharon." Minka's gaze flicked to her, nodding once before she left the room, confusion plastered on her features.

"Right, well that's bed time then." Her tongue ran over her lips nervously, and she was painfully aware of Bucky's eyes watching. "I'm going to get changed." She turned and basically ran to the bathroom attached to her room.

"I'll be out here waitin'." "You're disgusting, don't think anything." "Wouldn't dream of it, doll."

I'm so confused about my sexuality and I'm having this crisis. I don't know where to start looking. I'm a female. I'm almost positive I fall in the aromance (new word for me!) And maybe ace maybe? I'm so confused because 2 men together do things for me but the thought of myself doing anything is uncomfortable. Do you have resources you could point me too? Also at 39 shouldn't I have this figured out?? Sorry to lay this on you.

hi! first of all, there's no need to apologise—identity is confusing, and aro/ace spec stuff is often extra confusing because there's hardly any visibility in media and resources are few and far between. i'm personally not aro, so i can't really speak to that experience, so this is mostly going to be about asexuality. i hope it's still helpful!

before i get into it, though, just a note—i know you probably didn't mean it that way, but i'd be careful with phrasing like "two men together do things for me", because there's currently a problem in fandom spaces and in romance spaces with (mostly cis, straight) women fetishising m/m romance and sexuality. that's not to say that straight women can't consume or create m/m content! consuming isn't the same as fetishising (no matter what some anon haters would have you believe 🙄). but it's something that's worth reflecting on.

as for your question, i'm not sure what exactly you're looking for, so i'm going to talk about some stuff i wish i knew when i was trying to figure it all out. it's probably gonna get long, so i'm gonna put it under the cut.

hopefully it'll be helpful for you or anyone else confused about asexuality! because that's an entire mood.

it's probably also gonna get a little TMI, so if you don't want to hear about my relationship to sex and sexuality look away now lmao. although. idk is it TMI to ~admit~ to masturbation like lbr most of us do it we're all adults here

okay. so. things i wish i knew when i was trying to figure out asexuality.

1. what asexuality is

starting real simple here, but until i was about 20 i really didn't know—and even when you know, the definition isn't necessarily helpful.

a person is asexual if they don't experience sexual attraction towards other people.

which, on the surface, looks straightforward enough, but very few things in life are. there are two sticking points here: "don't experience" and "sexual attraction".

the first one is sticky because it's not always a binary, yes-no question. some people experience attraction, but very rarely (grey asexuality). some people experience attraction, but only after forming a strong emotional connection with someone (demisexuality).

the second one... well, it's a whole mess of stickiness really.

2. what sexual attraction is

this is kind of the big one, isn't it? you read a definition like doesn't experience sexual attraction and then you just kind of sit there like, well, how am i supposed to know i've never experienced it if i've never experienced it. how am i supposed to prove a negative?

bad news: chances are you're never going to Know for sure. there's no blood test for it, you can't get a brain scan that tells you whether or not you're sexually attracted to someone.

good news: the only person you have to convince is yourself. no one is going to jump out of the bushes and make you prove it. and most of the time if you're spending time thinking about whether you are something, you probably are.

anyway. so what's sexual attraction? well. it's not something i personally experience, but i will try my best.

this is one of the ways i conceptualise it: imagine you're thirsty. (like for water, not like Thirsty). maybe you're a little dehydrated, maybe you didn't drink enough water, whatever it is, you're thirsty. now imagine you see a glass of ice water. you want the water, right? like you really want the water. you can practically feel how refreshing it'll be, how the cold water will feel running down your throat. you need the water.

now imagine you see the same glass of water, but you're not really all that thirsty. you might think the water might be nice, but it's more of a passing thought. it'll still be refreshing, and you'll probably still enjoy it, but you don't need it the same way.

(this analogy sort of falls apart when you poke at it, because everyone needs water to live and not everyone actually enjoys sex, but hopefully you get the point).

3. action =/= attraction, and libido =/= attraction

this is something that i think confuses a lot of people. it certainly confused me for a long time! there's kind of two separate parts here: you can have sex (and even like having sex) and still be asexual, and you can masturbate (and enjoy it) and still be asexual. the throughline, basically, is that getting turned on doesn't negate asexuality. being horny doesn't negate asexuality.

like, here's the thing. sex was literally designed to feel good. sure, it's partially a biological imperative, but that doesn't erase the fact that it feels good! some people don't feel sexual attraction, but they like having sex because it's fun. friction is friction, after all, and nerves are nerves. and some people like having sex because it makes them feel closer to their partner.

the masturbation part, i think, also trips people up. it certainly tripped me up. how can i be asexual if i like getting off? how can i be asexual if i watch porn and it turns me on, or if i read smutty fanfiction and it turns me on, or if—and this was a big sticking point—i write smutty fanfiction and it turns me on?

anyway, as it turns out none of that shit matters! sexual attraction isn't about behaviour, it's about attraction. you can watch porn until the cows come home, but that doesn't say anything about attraction. (probably not the healthiest habit, though).

attraction, ultimately, comes down to wanting to do sexual things with a specific person. and often (but not always) brings with it physical reactions, also. and from what i can tell, it tends to be one of those know it when you see it kind of things.

.

anyway. this got longer and ramblier than intended but i hope it makes sense and i hope it helps at least a little!

Just a Cold

MARK SLOAN X READER

REQUEST: Could you do one for when Mark is the reader is sick, but is doing everything to not have him notice. Then ends up getting worse. Sorry hope this makes sense lol :)- Anonymous

A/N: I loved this request sooo much! I wasn’t sure whether you wanted Mark and the reader to be in a relationship or not so I kinda did it like they might be but it could also be just flirting idk? I hope I wrote it okay and that you enjoy it :)

*WHY ISNT THERE A CONCERNED MARK GIF WHERE HE ISNT CRYING URGH*

I blinked my eyes open as sun shot through the blinds into my room, glaring across the white and grey walls. I groaned and rolled over, covering my face with a pillow as i slammed the alarm clock off. A vicious cough ripped through me and I winced, my chest contracting and sharp pains running through my head. It was my own fault really, i had gotten off work a little earlier than usual and decided to go for a walk while it was still light out. My downfall really was when I had decided against bringing a coat, instead trusting the stupid jumper I was wearing to keep me warm. The weather had looked nice enough to begin with but after 20 minutes the sky had decided to chuck buckets of water down on me and I was drenched, resulting in the now painful cold I had given myself. I opened my eyes again and looked at the clock, trying to turn the minutes back to give me more sleep. When this failed, I rolled out of my fluffy, lucious cloud of a bed and walked to the bathroom, hoping a warm shower would wake me up and heal my blocked sinuses. I rubbed my eyes as I stepped into the tiled room, looking at the mirror. My reflection wasn't too bad although I could see my eyes were a little puffy and my nose was sporting a tinge of flaring red. Sighing, I turned the shower on and undressed, pulling my hair up into a bun and stepping into the relaxing steamy fumes. When I had finished getting ready and had grabbed a breakfast bar that would end up ignored in my locker, I trudged out the door, locking it behind me and starting the 10 minute walk to the hospital. I really hoped I would have time to grab some medicine before rounds but I doubted it, seeing as I had spent way too long dying in the shower. A strong breeze ripped past me and I shuddered, pulling my coat closer to me and trying to hold down the scratching cough at the back of my throat. I soon arrived at the hospital doors and gladly went inside, thankful for the shelter against the weather. I walked slowly to the residents' locker room, smiling at a few nurses as they walked past. The room was bustling with noise as I entered and a few people called out my name but I just smiled, making my way over to my locker next to Alex. He turned to face me once he saw me coming over and chuckled at my pained expression. "You look like crap." He said as I stripped off my jacket and jumper, pulling my scrubs over the long sleeved shirt I thankfully wore. "Thanks so much Karev." I hissed, now pulling off my trousers and yanking on the rougher blue scrub ones. "No worries Y/N." He grinned at me and I rolled my eyes, sitting down next to him. The locker room seemed to be getting louder by the second and I shut my eyes, trying to block out the dull pain in my head. I stayed like that for a few minutes until I felt Alex nudge me, "Come on don't want the interns slacking off." I nodded and groaned, standing up. We walked side by side until we reached the nurse's station and he went off to torment his group of suck ups. I gathered the folders with patient info and dragged myself over to my 4 interns who stared at me. "What are you waiting for?" I said harshly and they scampered, heading off to the first patient's room as I followed behind. I wasn't usually that harsh with the interns but I was strict and they behaved well, eager to learn. I tried my best to educate them but sometimes they really got on my nerves. Once we made our way into the first patient's room, the interns lined up by the door while I walked to the bed. "Goodmorning Mr Davis, how are you doing today?" I asked softly, trying to hide my running nose. "Alright, hurts a little but it's getting better." I nodded and looked over to one of my interns, "Johnson?" At once the intern started pratlling on about Mr Davis' case and I nodded along, half listening to him, half trying not to close my eyes. He stopped talking fairly quickly and I nodded, "well done, we need hourly checkups on Mr Davis' vitals for the next few days but you should be ready to go home in a few days." I directed the last part at the patient who nodded and smiled. I walked out the room and passed the interns out the patient folders. The next patient was Mrs Walker who had recently had a rhinoplasty to fix her incredibly wonky broken nose from falling off a ladder while painting her house. It had been a simple case but there were complications in the OR and she was now under careful watch. I noticed Mark standing in the corner of the room and I winced, hoping he would ignore me. I walked to the corner of the room by the door and stood a little away from the patient, listening drowsily to the interns. "Morning Y/N." A voice behind me whispered and my heart picked up pace when I recognised Mark's flirty tone. "Sloan." I said curtly, trying to disguise my illness because I know he would make a big deal out of it and really it was nothing. "Ouch, what's got your panties in a twist today?" Mark teased, easily letting the dirty words roll off his tongue. "Nothing." I retorted, not daring to look Mark in the eye. I could feel the warmth of his body behind me and I wanted so desperately to reach out and let his comforting hold engulf me but I couldn't, not wanting him to make a big deal. "If you say so missy." He replied, whispering close to my ear. Despite my cold, I could feel heat rush through my body at Mark's seductive words. Normally I could retort with a witty remark but today the only thing my brain could focus on was the increasing ache in my bones. "Mark if you have finished flirting with Dr L/N, we have other patients to attend to." Derek called out, and I blushed, not even realising he had come into the room. "See you later L/N." Mark said as he left the room, leaving me wanting his heat back. The rest of rounds passed by incredibly slow and I now sat in the locker room again, trying to catch up on forms and paperwork that needed filling out. I had turned most of the lights off so the room was darker and was nursing a warm coffee in my hands. The soothing silence was helping to ease the growing ache in my head but the incessant coughing wasn't letting up. Suddenly, my pager started beeping and I groaned, putting my hot drink down and speed walking to Bailey. I was almost in the patient's room when I spotted Mark coming out of another room a few doors down and I quickly leaped into a supply closet before he could see me. I really loved Mark but he didn't need to see me when I was all runny nosed and coughing like a diseased hag. I waited 20 seconds, counting in my head before opening the door again and checking the coast was clear. It was so I walked out and over to Bailey's patient's room where she stood, talking to him about his upcoming surgery. She shot me daggers when I entered the room and I mouthed a sorry before explaining to Mr Morrison the risks. At lunchtime, I had just finished with a code blue, hoping to head to a dark, quiet space away from distractions. I was just stepping around a corner when I bumped into a solid chest, immediately apologising before looking up to see who it was. "Oh, Mark." I said, scanning the area to look for a way out and avoiding his gorgeous eyes. "Sorry about that Y/N, seems I have a knack for bumping into pretty women going for their lunch." I nodded absent-mindedly, trying to get away. "Right yeah urm I need to go." I said, going to walk past Mark but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back. "Woah woah woah what's the matter?" He asked, instantly concerned at my dismissal of his flirting. "Nothing." I said and he shook his head, bending his head down to meet my averting gaze. "You said that earlier." Mark continued, both hands now on my arms as he kept me still. "mm." I hummed, staring at the wall behind Mark. "You sure you're okay, you look a bit like your going to throw up." He said, concern lacing his voice. "No Im fine." I said, smiling weakly before scooting off down the halls leaving a worried plastic surgeon behind. For the rest of the afternoon, I sat on the bottom floor filling out charts. My headache and coughs had been getting progressively worse to the point where I could barely move due to my body aching so much. Luckily I wasn't in any surgeries today and Bailey hadn't been so much on my heels today although Mark had paged me a few times to the Attending room which I ignored. He had spotted me earlier after Mer had wanted me in the research room but I had run down the halls back here before he could catch me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he sought me out. I was almost done filling out the last chart when the door swung open and a familiar head of peppered hair came through the doors. I cringed inwardly and tried to make myslef as small as possible in the gap between the two hospital beds. I waited, trying to control my laboured breathing as he walked nearer, calling out my name. I closed my eyes shut as he closed in on my position. "Y/N?" Mark asked as he spotted my feet poking out from between the two beds. I winced at his voice and he ducked down, crouching in front of me and placing a hand on each of my bent knees. "Y/N?" He asked again and I opened my eyes. He sucked in a breath and immediately tried to bring me closer to him but I groaned. "No please Mark it hurts." I whispered, my voice just a croak. "Jesus Y/N you look like a ghost." Mark said, his face serious and eyes kind. I tried to smile but I couldn't manage, my head flaring up with every movement. Mark gathered the charts I had lying around me and placed them on the nearby bed before squatting back down. "Hey let's get you out of here." He softly said, but I shook my head, sniffling and wincing at the ache. "Come on, I'll help you." He continued, placing a hand on my warm cheek. I looked into his eyes and gave in, nodding slightly. Mark wrapped an arm around my waist and put another on my hip as he helped lift me up, careful to not be to rough. "That's it." He softly spoke, my hands resting on his upper arms for support. As soon as I was standing he brought me into his chest, resting his head on top of mine and stroking my back softly. I closed my eyes and breathed in his comforting scent, relaxing into the warmth. I felt Mark's hand smooth my hair and kiss the top of my head before he whispered, "Why didn't you tell me you were ill?" He stepped back slightly but still held me close, looking into my eyes. "I didn't want to bother you, it's not that bad." I replied, slightly shaky. "Y/N..." Mark said, brushing my hair behind my ear and cupping my face. "What bother's me is not knowing your ill and not being able to help." He said, bringing me back into his arms. "Im sorry." I said, nuzzling into his neck. "It's okay, let's get you into bed." Mark replied, kissing my forehead. Mark had ended up persuading me to go to his house, and I was currently stood in his bathroom, a towel wrapped around me. The steam from the hot shower had freed up my nose a little but the throbbing in my head hadn't let up yet. I walked into Mark's bedroom, rubbing my eyes. "Hey." Mark smirked, making me open my eyes to see his stupid self standing there with a cheeky grin as his eyes ran up and down my body. "My eyes are up here." I said quietly, making him chuckle and a small smile come across my face. "You know I think my towel on you is my new favourite look of yours." Mark said as he watched me walk across the carpeted floor to him. I narrowed my eyes at him and sniffled, holding onto the white fluffy towel that just surpassed my bum tightly. "If I wasn't so ill right now Sloan, I'd punch that pretty little grin off of your face." I hissed, taking the sweatpants and tshirt out of his hands. "Oh so you think I'm pretty then?" Mark teased, eyes still wandering. "Piss off." I said, watching Mark as he smirked wider and I headed into the bathroom again, closing the door. When I had managed to pull the black tshirt on, I looked at the sweatpants and groaned, resenting having to struggle into another item of huge clothing. It was worse than putting leggings on after swimming. I had panties on and Mark's tshirt came down to my mid thigh so I unlocked the door, hoping Mark had a pair of shorts I could wear. As soon as I stepped out, Mark sat up on the bed, eyes raking my body yet again. "Jeez Y/N you think you were trying to kill a man." He said as I walked towards him, cradeling the sweatpants. I was exhausted and couldn't think of any remark so just stuck my hands out, extending the sweatpants to Mark. "I'm too tired to put them on." I said quietly before a violent cough coursed through my body. "Okay come here." Mark said and sat me down on the bed, taking the sweatpants. I expected him to walk off to get some shorts but he crouched down in front of me and lifted my ankle into the cuff of the sweatpants. I blushed and muttered, "thanks." Mark just grinned and winked cheekily, making my face flush even more. He brought the sweatpants to my knees before asking me to stand up which I did. He went to take them up further and started lifting the tshirt before I grabbed his hands. "I think I can do the rest." I said softly, rolling my eyes at Mark's constant dirty flirting. "Worth a try." He remarked, brushing the hair out my face. Once I had gotten the sweatpants on and had gulped down 2 glasses of water and some medicine, I walked back from the hallway to Mark's room, seeing him lying in the bed with his pyjamas on. I yawned and smiled sleepily. "Gonna come join me missy?" He asked, flicking the duvet off to reveal his tartan clad legs and comfy bed. I nodded, dragging myself to the other side of the bed and climbing in before resting next to Mark. He chuckled and lifted me slightly, laying my head down on his chest and wrapping my arm around his waist while he hugged mine. I sighed contently and snuggled into his warming body, letting waves of sleepiness wash over me, lulling me to sleep. Mark turned the bedside light off and kissed the top of my head, whispering, "Night love." I smiled and closed my eyes, drifting off. 

Apocalypse!AU -- Field Medicine

I 100% could write the events leading prior to this to satiate curiosity, but rn this is all my inspiration is giving me -- hope you like enjoy it! If you want more of this AU, pls let me know! 

Feedback is always appreciated!

Warnings: Violence, swearing, blood mention, field surgery

Tagging (if you wanna be tagged, lmk!): @marshmallow--3 // @yourlocalfrenchie // @rahdaleigh (idk why this isn’t tagging im so sorry) // @sofiewithat /// @iceboundstar // @mythandmagik // @britishhotassassin

Assassin’s Creed Mobile Masterlist

Red Dead Redemption 2 Mobile Masterlist

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“Get down!” 

You ducked for cover as a pipe bomb was thrown towards your group. 

Jacob, Connor, Altair, and you were hunting for supplies in a nearby town when you were ambushed by a group of hunters. They outnumbered you by about five to one. 

“Altair! What do we do?!” Jacob peeked over to fire a few aimed shots. 

You all looked over to the leader in question, who was catching his breath behind an old car. You could see the gears turning in his head before he came to a final conclusion. 

“Run.” Another pipe bomb went off. “Run!” 

He led the way to an abandoned shop building that could provide cover, Connor following closely behind with you and Jacob bringing up the rear. Feeling the bullies soar past your head, you ducked as Jacob tripped. You stopped to help him up. “Go!” He waved you off, shakily getting to his feet. 

You vaulted through what was once a window pane and ducked, Jacob clumsily following suit. He landed on his side with a groan. “Hey, are you okay?” You asked, pulling him back against the bricks. Once he settled, you could see his hand clutching his side. What made your heart palpitate was what he was covering. 

Blood.

“Shit! You’ve been shot!” You turned to Altair, who paused firing and stared. 

“What?!” 

“I’ll be fine.” Jacob rested his head back against the wall, taking deep breaths. 

“What are our options?” Connor asked, looking through his rucksack.

A flurry of gunshots flew above your heads. 

“Option 1: We leave him and escape ourselves.”

You scoffed at Altair’s suggestion. “Don’t even think about that.”

“I know! Look— we either try and make a run for it now or we split up and hide; one of us with Jacob while the other two pick them all off.”

You all exchanged glances. “That could work.” 

Jacob shifted and hissed. 

You wrapped his arm around your neck. “I’ll take him upstairs. Keep them off our backs and don’t get shot.”

The two nodded. Connor passed you a first aid kit and some alcohol. “You know what to do.” 

Smiling reassuringly, you motioned for them to get moving. The two of them ran across the street, drawing fire until they were safely across the street. The firing stopped. 

“They split up. Find them. Preferably in one piece, but I can settle for one.” The voice obviously belonged to the one in charge. “The girl. She’ll be the easiest.” 

You and Jacob exchanged glances. “Come on,” you whispered, half dragging him up the stairs. You entered the room at the end of the hall and locked the door behind you. Luckily, the windows were boarded up, so they didn’t see you go in. Unluckily, the windows were boarded up, so there was no escape without making noise. 

The room wasn’t big nor small; but it had a walk in wardrobe that was big enough for now. You set Jacob down gently, kneeling next to him by the side of the wound. Taking a breath, you took in his complexion; sweating, pale, panting. You looked down to see his hand almost drenched in the crimson liquid, which has been dripping a subtle trail after the two of you. “Shit!” You half whispered, taking out the first aid kit and alcohol. Pushing up his shirt, you offered a roll of bandages to his lips to bite down on. He accepted, albeit weakly. “This will hurt, but you have to stay quiet, okay?” He hummed a broken affirmation, grabbing your free arm, assumingly for moral support. “On three; one, two, three…” slowly, you poured the liquid over the wound. Pained gasps leaked through the bandages as his jaw clenched tightly, tension flooding down his neck.”I’m sorry!” You apologised as his grip on your arm tightened tenfold. Opening the first aid kit, you immediately went for gauze to pack the wound with.

“You have to take it out.” 

You turned to meet his eyes as he held the bandages in his other hand. “Please,” her continued. “I can feel it moving inside of me.”

“But I’m not a surgeon! I can bandage a wound but I’m nowhere near transplant surgery.”

“I’m not asking you for a transplant.” He pulled out some tweezers from the kit. “I’m asking you to remove a bullet.”

You sighed, reluctantly taking them. “I was shit at Operation, you know.”

“Now’s your chance to practice.” He balled up the bandages and bit down on them again, bracing himself for the intrusion of the tweezers. 

“Ah, fuck.” Slowly, you pressed them inside the wound, trying to ignore the hitched breaths beside you. Instead, you focused on touch, waiting to feel the contact with the metal ball waiting for you inside. It took a few moments, but finding it gave you the equivalent feeling of striking gold. “I got it. Holy shit, I got it.” As you pulled it free of Jacob’s flesh, you could see his muscles relax, along with a fresh flow of blood. Quickly, you packed it to try and stem the bleeding, evoking another gasp. “I’m so sorry.” 

He pulled out the bandages, chucking them back to the kit. “Had to be done.”

You turned your head back to the first aid kit, eyes wandering for a needle and sutures when you heard footsteps coming up the stairs. Jacob swallowed, ears picking up on the calculated thumps as well. “Please be the guys, please be the guys…”

“Check all the rooms. Don’t miss anything.”

“Shit!” 

Instead of stitches, you grabbed some surgical tape.”We’ll have to finish this later.” The words barely escaped as you spoke, practically mouthing them in an effort to stay quiet. You taped the gauze to his side, heart rate increasing as the sounds began to increase in volume; they were getting closer. 

You packed everything away and straddled Jacob to peer past the wall at the locked door, gun in hand. You cocked it ever so quietly, aiming it square in the centre. Jacob’s blood soaked hand took your chin gently, a complete juxtaposition to the image in front of you. “Hey,” he said. “We’ll come out of this just fine.”

You wanted to believe him. You really did. 

The door handle began to shake. “Fuck, I hope so.”

You’ve never been this scared in your entire life. 

Someone kicked at the door and you flinched. Hands shaking, you tried to steel yourself with a deep breath. Pulling the hammer down, you waited as a boot came down two, three, four times. The fifth time actually working took you off guard. Two figures stormed in, and you shot multiple times as they crossed the short distance. The gun was kicked out of your hand and you were thrown off of Jacob to the middle of the room. You blinked as your back hit the floor, hands coming up as a figure landed on you, a hand wrapping around your throat. A man of at least six feet with muscles as wide as your head had you pinned to the floor easily. Instinctively, your hands wrapped around his wrist. 

“Not so fast.” The other figure spoke, and a second later had thrown Jacob into view, a sharp quick to his injured side. He let out a pained noise, bringing a knee up to protect himself. “This one’s in bad shape; wonder if he’s worth it.” A gun was aimed at his head.

Your eyes widened.”No!” You tried to claw the man’s hand off of you. “Please don’t.”

He let out a laugh. “Oh, he’s worth it, alright.” Pulling handcuffs out of his back pocket, he threw a pair to his partner. He squeezed your neck tightly, attracting your hands. He quickly slapped a cuff onto one of your wrists. “Turn around.”

You glared defiantly.

“Turn around, or he dies.”

Your eyes flicked between your attacker and Jacob, who couldn’t put up much of a fight in his half lucid state; restraining him took almost no effort at all, and now he had a gun pointed at his brain. 

You gave in, not turning around but allowing him to move you into his desired position to bind your hands behind your back. He leaned into your ear. “When we get back, you’ll be worrying about more than a bullet wound.” 

He pulled you up harshly by the arms. Simultaneously, two gunshots went off. You lost your balance, falling onto your knees. Looking over the bed, you saw Connor and Altair aiming their guns. “Took you long enough!” All tension dissipated from your body, and you almost collapsed. Altair searched the body for the keys. 

“Jacob?” Connor’s voice sounded from behind you.

“Is he okay?” You had your back to him, but Altair kept you straight.

“Two seconds.” When you felt the cuffs fall off your wrists, you immediately went to Jacob. 

Connor had uncuffed him, but he was still unmoving. “Help me turn him over.” Once on his back, Jacob gasped. 

“Great timing,” he quipped sarcastically. 

“Alright, we get it.” Altair pushed Jacob’s shirt up to see the entire square of gauze a dark red.

“Did you stitch him?” He asked calmly, motioning for the first aid kit.

“We got a little preoccupied.” You couldn’t help but feel guilt over Jacob’s deteriorating condition. You passed him the kit from your bag. 

Altair took it and got to work, as if he’d done this a million times before. 

“What about the bullet?”

“I took it out.” 

Altair sighed. “That was meant to stay in, Jacob.”

At this point, all Jacob could do was smile; vague but smug.

“Altair, how do you know all this?”

He didn’t take his eyes off of Jacob as he spoke. “I used to be in the military.” Noticing Jacob had closed his eyes, he snapped his fingers next to his face. Swallowing, Jacob blinked. “Keep him awake, Connor.” He began to suture. “I-uh, a friend of mine died from an injury in the field. It was my fault. He bled out because I never learned how to stitch a fucking wound. I spent hours afterward learning how to deal with field injuries— I wouldn’t let anyone die on me again.”

He wiped the now closed wound with more gauze, and quirked his lips when he saw that no new blood appeared. He covered the wound with more gauze and taped it down to his skin. “And here I thought you hated me.” Jacob chuckled weakly, trying to sit up. 

“No.” Altair pressed his hand against his chest. Instead, he offered a flask of water. “Drink this.” 

Jacob didn’t question anything, doing what the expert told him. 

“We stay here until he recovers some strength. We won’t be able to carry him back to camp.”

“Are you sure it’s safe here? What if more of their group come and see the massacre?” 

“With any luck, they’ll assume that we’re long gone.”

“Okay.” You sat down, pulling Jacob’s head gently into your lap. “Time to get comfy.”

haikyuu!boyfriends~

i regret everything but mostly i regret not posting this earlier bc i actually have a big soft spot for dateko ♡ who better than our snarky second year captain to start things off (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

bf!futakuchi

* this man's such a little bitch lol

* he's so damn petty???

* and sarcastic? why did u sign up for this

* loves to tease. borderline bullying. some of your friends may be worried about stockholm syndrome

* always gets you back when u do anything like prank him or tease him

* payback triple. he is competitive

* but it's just the way he expresses himself. don't take him too seriously okay? he really does love you.

* narcissistic, slightly. he likes a pretty girl type

* compliments to u, reader ♡

* he's a cheapo, he doesn't wanna pay for stuff. but he doesn't want you to pay for stuff either.

* so he's manipulative, but in the sense that he will figure out ways to be cheap on dates. for example: bad mouthing the staff or complaining about food at a cafe to get free drinks or extra service, flirting with cashiers to get extra popcorn at the movies.

* don't worry he does it behind your back if he's flirting, you won't need to know. you know, tho. i mean, now u do. sorry for outing u, kenji

* but i mean... to kenji, it's the end result that matters

* what's a little eye wink here and there when it gets him and his real date a better time?

* he knows what he really wants anyway, it's not them for sure

* he knows it's not exactly the right thing to do, which is why he doesn't do it in front of you much

* anyway please forgive him he just wanted to have a nice time with you

* talking about dates he is the movies and dinner type

* mostly because he doesn't need to plan real hard for those

* he looks really cool when he's training seriously or during a match when he's serious.

* until he starts trash talking the other team and everyone is like there he goes again

* when he made captain everyone was surprised but actually he's the most serious about the club behind all his shenanigans

* "it's troublesome, i don't wanna do it..." he does it later anyway, grumbling. probably about the dishes or some menial chore. also about captaincy LMAO

* when you're upset... actually he doesn't really upset you? he notices when you're about to get mad and will backtrack real fast

* but ofc there's times where he doesn't pay attention and accidentally pisses you off with some offhand comment and you get really angry and ignore him

* at first this proud lil shit will b like okay two can play at that game and not talk to you either

* but he knows it's his fault and eventually after a couple days the guilt eats into him and he will be like i'm sorry, okay, let's go eat some cake, please don't be angry anymore

* if you like flowers he will turn up with flowers

* if u like other foods he will suggest other foods

* he's secretly attentive. no one notices it except aone. you probably don't notice it either.

* he's got this really soft expression when he looks at your smiling face

* not that he will let anyone see it (๑˃̵ᴗ˂̵)

* even you, probably. but occasionally u catch him. you'll tease him. he will deny. then u will regret cos he will tease u back and then poof argument. these he apologises quickly cos he knows he has that face on and you were right.

* he's generally the exact same when you're sick. brings some of the foods you like over to your place, grabs the homework from the teacher and sits in your room while u rest and he does the work complaining

* he will copy it out for you when you're asleep. has surprisingly good handwriting.

* fav place to kiss you: forehead, cheek, lips, basically your whole face

* fav place to be kissed: lips

*******

requests are open, masterlist is here (｡•̀ᴗ-)✧

... idk what to say, honestly i imagined nametsu as the female lead in this, i think they r so cute tgt, i have a whole bunch of hcs for that, but it's mostly gone into that captain's fic i keep talking about, i'm only done with the first two chapters, procrastination is real

also i love all of u so much i get notifs for every like and reblog and i see u validating me and i wanna say thank u for loving my haikyuu brain rot (;-;) i do not deserve this kindness

this week -

1. ive been doing a LOT better - that’s one of the good things about my madness - i go down very quickly but also rebound pretty fast. i think the one thing that bothers me is the memory of when things were bad for like a good year, and there was no rebounding, just a slow crawl out of the worst of it. HOWEVER - I haven’t been like long-term non-functional in literally like 10y and i think it’s probably a mistake to worry so much about the possibility of the next breadown being The Next Big One bc i think my life is so different now to when it was back then that it’s unlikely to become quite so bad anyway

2. not having a wall is really bothering me tho. one of my long-term obsessive thoughts is about the cat’s safety - i get very obsessive about the idea that she might somehow get trapped outside, which even when we had a garden wall to separate her from the road was a problem, so now w/o the wall it’s 10x worse lol. no idea when it’ll be fixed and she’ll be able to go outside again - the builder has to do another project first so we’re in limbo until then. i get very fixated on the idea that ben or ana will accidentally let her out and not notice and she’ll be cold / attacked by another cat / attacked by a fox :((( which is another facet of my obsessions tbh like this lack of ability to trust anyone apart from myself, like i have this really overinflated idea of my own responsibility / ability to keep the house safe (hence going around at night and unplugging everything, checking the front door, staring at my hair straighteners for about 10m, the usual) and like i wish i could just fucking stop bc i know ana and ben also love the cat and also like have brains?? and like keeping a cat inside is not rocket science! (+ hopefully even if she did get outside it would not end up in her death lol)

3. ben (kindly) told me that he finds it disheartening that it becomes an Issue every time we have to go and see his family, and that whilst he understands it’s not personal, it still feels bad. which is fair... i apologised about it bc i mean he is right + also he comes and sees my family w/ literally no complaint at all so yeah :/ having said this im a bit fuckin nervous about it now for imo legitimate reasons (i have accepted we’re going + that my problems dont constitute a reason to complain about seeing his family and am planning on being much less whiny about this in future) about this new fucking variant and like 10 mask-free people in one room hanging out, at least half of whom are in public-facing jobs. this is the first time since-covid so many of us would have been in a room - we’ve seen barely anyone since it all kicked off. the timing is bad. i know ben agrees w/ me about the concern bc he’s not an idiot, and he asked them on the GC last night if they can all test beforehand, but only one person responded so far and im a bit like :/ i feel uncomfortable about it bc i feel that after my complaints it definitely seems as tho im just trying to find reasons to not go. if they all test up beforehand im happy to go, but im a bit worried that a lot of them have not confirmed that they will, and idk, ill ask him what he thinks about that. bc his brother works in a shop, his mum works as a teacher, this new variant is supposed to be better at getting past vaccines? so im a bit like oooof this ... not great ... i feel like it’s reasonable to only go to a medium scale get-together if everyone tests neg beforehand? what do you guys think? but i dunno i guess at some point you also have to just do stuff... like you can’t entirely live under the shadow of stuff that might happen, including covid, and this is coming from someone who’s been INCREDIBLY careful the entire time

4. i have struggled w/ getting back to my wig work - im gonna start working properly again today bc im actually so behind. my site job also MAY be coming to an end in april - we will all have to reapply for the payment, and i don’t know, they may well feel it’s fairer to give someone a shot who hasn’t been paid for an entire year by that point. which i DO think is fair, and i would understand it, but i would have to take a MASSIVE step back from the site, and it feels kinda grim if they essentially fire their One Woman, given that ive done everything asked of me and am always well-ranked in the monthly numbers. i will probably make this clear in the reapplication - that i will not be around if there is no money. not bc i don’t care but bc i do not have the time. couple of things are working in my favour tho in that ive already proven myself to be a good member of the team + also that im one of the most highly-ranked people there in terms of permissions, so i can do everything rather than some more lowly-ranked people who can only do a few things. also you know. i feel like they would be aware of how bad it would look to let their one woman go honestly? bc they handwring a lot about the woman situation, so im curious how this will play out, bc to me it seems blindingly obvious that a lack of access to resources is one of the main reasons why more women dont hang out there. so im curious if they are gonna actually apply that logic and keep paying me.

i apoligze for this in advance but idk who else to ask. so i’m attracted to women like 92% of the time but i’ve been dating a guy for a few months now. it’s not super serious yet but i still find myself feeling sad about never having had a gf/worrying i never will and just feeling like a bad queer. i KNOW that it’s terribly biphobic of me to think that if i a femme enby date a cis dude i’m not queer enough. but i also cant get past it no matter how many times i look at these ugly brain thoughts

first of all: you never have to apologise for sending me stuff like this. it is a known facet of my tumblr, and while i know i am hardly around at all, i do periodically check my inbox and am never angry or annoyed or any other negative emotion to see people reaching out for help/advice. i don’t always have the mental bandwidth to respond, but i am only ever glad that people still consider this a safe place to reach out to.

there are a couple of things i want to address here! in no particular order:

you are not a future teller or a psychic, no matter how much your worries and anxieties insist that they know what is coming. the fact that you are in a relationship with a man in this moment has no bearing on what relationships you may find yourself in, in the future. the fact that the person you are dating currently identifies as a man is no guarantee that they will always identify that way, even! you could be with them for the next couple of weeks or for the rest of your life and there are a million permutations in between and around those two options.

what i’m saying is - obsessing over things you might not do in the future because of things you are doing now is a game that nobody wins. you have no guarantees of what the future is going to hold - you can make decisions now based on what you want and/or expect the future to hold, but stressing about the path not taken means that you’re going to spend all your time straining to see that path and like, walk into a big boulder in the path you’re actually on or something. currently, you’re not even stressing about the fork in the road that you came across. you’re on a single path, and you’re worrying about a path you haven’t come across yet, which may or may not diverge from the path that you’re on, or might be in a different forest entirely and and and- at some point you gotta love the path you’re on and take in the scenery, my darling.

which, incidentally - this path? not incompatible with queerness. and i know you know this, but feeling it can be! so hard! so i am here to remind and reassure you that - queerness is not an action. the nature of identity is not things that you do, it is the person that you are. you do not cease to be non-binary because your outfit changes - your fashion choices are simply a way of expressing your non-binary-ness, and they are not the only way, and if you are not using fashion to express your enbyness then that doesn’t make you not enby. you don’t stop being enby when there is no one there to look at you and make external judgements about your gender, and you do not stop being queer because you are a femme-adjacent person dating a cis dude.

queerness is a thing that you are. you can take actions that express that queerness more clearly to outside observation, but outside observation does not change the fact of your queerness. i will not deny that it can make it easier to participate in community, because community is in part made up of particular signs that individuals recognise in each other and gravitate towards - but who you date is only one such sign. i’m a lesbian who hasn’t dated anyone for over half a decade - am i less queer because i have not hooked up with a chick in that time? i am not. if i fuck a dude am i less of a lesbian? idk man that depends on how i feel about fucking a dude. am i romantically and sexually attracted to the dude, or was his dick just inside me? what if he just uses his fingers? i feel like i could feasibly have sex with a cis man out of sheer curiosity and still be a lesbian, sure, but what if there’s a single man that just perfectly meets me where i am despite my overwhelming preference and interest in women? what if that man is trans? what does that mEAN? at which point do we stop dissecting identity and carving lines into each other?

queerness is a useful umbrella term to cover those people who exist out of heternormativity - cismen attracted to ciswomen, ciswomen attracted to cismen, exclusively. the second the spokes of that umbrella start poking you instead of protecting you from the rain, it has ceased to do its job. identity is useful in that it helps us understand ourselves and it helps us find community in other people, but there are no perfect words that encapsulate the whole of our individual experience, and there are no individual experiences that perfectly match up with another person’s individual experience, even if we use the same word/s to describe ourselves.

you can’t be biphobic at your own experiences. it’s not biphobic to look at the way you have identified previously/up to a certain point, to recognise a difference in your current behaviour, and feel weird or discomforted by this difference. it’s not biphobic to need some time to figure shit out - who you want to be, how you want to identify, what outfit fits you best. i think identity works best as a conversation with yourself - i think we should all be checking in on ourselves to make sure that the way are living is expressing the way we are being. this urge to build walls of definable identity is a protective instinct meant to save us and gather us together from the very real threats of a heteronormative society, but it can also mean we get trapped in a place that no longer suit us.

some practical advice - if the idea of never dating a girl stresses you out that much, i’d take a break from dating this dude, because it sounds like you have some work to do in terms of figuring out what experiences you want to have in life. but only you can decide where that stress line fractures, you know? but if you read this post and you sit with it for a bit and you find that the experience of dating this man is still making you miserable, it’s okay to take some time away from it. you don’t deserve misery.

that being said - like, you’ve only been dating him a few weeks? it’s cool to just envision this relationship in terms of weeks. you truly don’t have to stretch the current experience you are having out to cover the rest of your life in one daunting ‘what if’. so long as everyone involved in a relationship is clear with the terms of engagement, go forth and short term yourself some fuckin joy.

i stress, i beg, do not deny yourself the pleasure of a joyful experience with another human soul now because you are worried about what this means about other people’s perception of some amorphous identity. you are queer. you are a femme-enby person largely attracted to woman, but dating a man. you are queer, you are enough, you don’t need to question that anymore. i think that the last year, last four years, last lifetime has more than proven that life is, frankly, too fucking short. seize your joy and run with it. whether that means dating this man or take a pause to breathe and reflect, or whatever else! you’ll still be queer.

be kind to yourself my love i wish you well <3

khun is the type of person to say “you wanna kiss me so bad” when you’re arguing with him🌝

HIYA THERE I LIKE THE WAY YOUR BRAIN WORKS 👁👅👁 idk if this was meant to be a request or just a comment but I turned it into a request cuz this stuff is immaculate. He 1000000% would cuz he’s a cocky bith like 

Prompt: “You wanna kiss me so bad”

Word Count: 750

Genre: Fluff, angst if you squint like really really really hard

Warnings: none just Khun being his usual dickish self 

The argument was stupid really but you both were so invested in being right that it didn’t even matter what it was about anymore.

“I told you not to cook! You know you can’t so why don’t you just own up and apologise!” you cried out for what felt like the fiftieth time.

“It’s not my fault the stove top is burned. It’s all that stupid croco-“

“Yeah!” you interjected, “the stupid crocodile, you’ve said. But I’m talking to you, not him!”

“Stupid crocodile doesn’t even deserve pronouns,” your boyfriend mumbled under his breath.

“Oh my god,” you seethed bringing your hands up to your face in frustration. “Why can’t you stay focused and just apologise?”

“Because i won’t apologise for something that’s not my fault!” though he held a bored expression he couldn’t quite control the exhaustion in his voice.

How long had this fight been going on for? It felt like hours though it couldn’t be more than 10 minutes. It seemed to just be going back and forth like a boomerang yet neither of you were willing to back down. You couldn’t even come to a compromise. It had been a rough week for the both of you. Struggling through the floor tests and so much training. The atmosphere was tense throughout the week. All it took was one small inconvenience from the other and you were going to snap. Unfortunately for the Khun it just so happened to have been him who messed up. He knew he was banned from the kitchen ever since he nearly set it fire but the idiotic crocodile wouldn’t stop bothering him about banana bread. He wondered how hard it could’ve been. You made it every other week when you were feeling nice. Oh, how gravely mistaken he was.

You were still going off on him. He couldn’t really blame you though. He kinda did ruin the kitchen you spent so long redecorating. Any other week Khun would’ve at least apologized and get it fixed right away. However this week he just wasn’t feeling it. He had been pent up all week and just needed to let it out. And for some reason he decided being stubborn would let all the frustration out. But 5 minutes into the fight it slowly faded away. All he was left with was pure tiredness. He didn’t like fighting with you and truth be told he did feel bad for burning the stove top. Why he was using the stove for banana bread was beyond you.

In all honesty he found you really hot when you were fired up like this. He felt a smile tugging at his lips but tried his best to keep his facade. He debated his options of just walking out or continuing this fight. Finally, he decided he was going to be the bigger person. Well,,, in his own Khun way. He was just gonna mess with you.

“Yknow, y/n,” finally cutting you off in the midst of your tangent, “i bet you really want to kiss me right now,” his bored expression now replaced with a lazy smirk.

You just stood there stunned for a second. You could feel your blood beginning to boil. Did he not realize how important this fi- wait. What were you two fighting about? Oh, the kitchen. Now thinking back you realized it wasn’t even that big of a deal. Obviously you were going to threaten Khun to replace it but it was fine. In fact Ehwa set the kitchen on fire more time. You didn’t know why you were so ticked off. Maybe you just wanted a reason to fight. You blinked and slowly looked back up at Khun, crossing your arms and flashing him a smile of your own. Yeah you did wanna kiss him but he still deserved pain.

“No thanks, I’ll pass. Your lips are chapped anyways,” you could barely hold your laugh back as you saw Khuns smirk turn to hurt. He quickly regained his composure and smiled devilishly at you.

“No no, I’m pretty sure you do,” he said in a low voice already leaning forward and cupping your chin. He tilted your head up and stared into your eyes. Not bothered to wait anymore you wrapped your arms around Khuns neck and brought him closer, crashing your lips against each other.