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illegallyexisting · 2 months

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First Visit

(To the Geiermann Asylum)

This was an incredibly long project that i started sometime in the midst of January. I hope you all enjoy!!

Sweet, sweet word count: 8,111

The air was strikingly cold with dead trees lining the perimeters of the asylum; in bold gothic letters the front read “The Geiermann Asylum.” The building loomed over them, watching as they walked towards it. The bricks were old and worn with vines and plants entangling them, two large, dark wood doors adorned the top of the crooked steps.

The man that was touring (is that the right word?) them finally broke the silence, “I don’t think this place was touched in a long, long time. My dad just entrusted me to the place, said he got it from an old friend of his and that she wanted to make sure that it would be in safe hands.” They all made it up the creaking stairs and the man opened the door for us; Elliot – a newly adult with a slender build and pumpkin themed sweater on – was first to peak their head through.

“It's very... Dark. And even colder in here then out there!” Her voice echoed slightly from inside the asylum.

“Well, the lights aren’t even on in there yet, though I don’t even know if those work anymore, last they were changed was probably in the ‘60s...” The man gave them a polite smile and ushered them all inside. Inside the asylum was, well, cold, but particularly massive. In front there was a long hallway stretching for who knows how long, on their left was a regular wall with what was a torn-up photo (or perhaps a painting) and table sitting underneath it with a wilted vase of flowers on top. As they walked in further, it was apparent that leading upstairs was a dilapidated staircase on their right, and next to it a staircase leading to another abyss. The man turned on the lights and they came flickering to life, very dimly to say the least.

“I don’t think there's anything else to mention, you’se can all just look around, I’ll be outside walking if you need me.” He gave them another polite smile and left the asylum. Everyone went to their little corners of the entrance way, Vixen to a nearby couch slightly covered by cobwebs, Elliott to the mysterious staircases, Jesse looking at the different paintings and photos (about all of them horribly damaged by time), and Laysha was taking in the entire abandoned asylum. She looked all around, hopping from place to place seeing what her friends were doing, studying all of the entry room. As she was doing so, thoughts popped into her mind, “Who were the people here?” “What were they like?” “What were they here for?” but her thoughts were interrupted.

“Hey, you alright?” It was just Jesse standing next to her now.

“Oh, yes, yes. Say, what if we looked around some more? Obviously, the place is huge, so what if we split into groups of two? We could cover more ground,” She turned around looking at the rest of her friends, “And call each other if anything happens!” Laysha smiled, clapping her hands together thrice to get Vixen and Elliott’s attention. They lifted their heads up from where they were standing (and sitting).

“Alright, so, here’s how this is gonna go. Jesse and Vixen, you two go together and explore the upstairs and me and Elliott will explore down here. Any questions? No, good!” Laysha gave the group a beaming smile as the others left and beckoned Elliott to come to her.

“So, where exactly do we go now? I mean we could go in that weird basement thing-” And Laysha immediately interjected.

“What about just down the hallway and search there? I don’t want to go down there yet, and plus I said that we were gonna explore here.” Elliott tilted his head, but sighed and gave her a reassuring look.

“Alright fine, you lead the way then!”

Laysha laughed and began walking down the hallway, looking at everything in awe. Elliott followed in pursuit, looking around with her. The walls were littered with cobwebs and pictures hung up on the walls, along with the occasional shelf of books or years dead plants. Eventually, they made their way to what seemed to be another corridor but filled with rooms upon rooms, each with small windows – barely enough room to stick your head through – on the sides of the doors and on them. Some doors were open, some stayed shut, as with some of the windows being destroyed. They were both looking down at each side of the hallway with simultaneous confusion and awe, until something caught Elliott’s eye. It seemed to be coming from an open door some ways off, and it looked like someone was staring straight back at him. He squinted his eyes, but just as he noticed the supposed person, they went straight back into the room. He took a few steps back until they accidentally bumped into Laysha.

“Woah, everything all right?”

“I- Well- No. Look, I’m, fairly sure I saw someone, they had like- Shoulder length black hair and they were completely like-” Elliott continued to stumble his way through his words, confusing Laysha that such a person like them could even be stammering this much.

“Alright, just calm down! Maybe it was just a trick of the light? Aren’t you needing to get new glasses soon, too, right?”

He started to calm down, lowering his voice, “Right, you’re right. Trick of the light, or eyes, or something.” They both chuckled lightly and continued as Elliott tried to shake off what he might have seen. Laysha went down the left side of the hallway and Elliott went down the right side, albeit nervous. As Laysha went forward, she looked inside every nook and cranny of the doors, seeing what was in them and what was left there. Practically every room held nothing but multiple, horrifically dirtied bunk beds, the occasional glass on the floor, and spider webs everywhere. There appeared to be nothing more than just the same thing over and over, stretching on for God knows how long. On the right side of the hallway was Elliott, doing the same as Laysha, but looking more carefully and wondering if what they saw wasn’t a trick of the eyes. What if it was someone else? What if it isn’t just the four of them in the asylum? Was it a bad idea? They are already in the asylum, too late to back out now.

Meanwhile, Vixen and Jesse were doing the exact same thing, looking through the rooms. Although eventually they had found a rubber room, it was less a bright white room and more so a grayed and deadened space.

Jesse spoke, making Vixen jump, “You would guess that there would be more, I dunno, things here?”

“Well, these are just normal rooms you would see at a place like this,” They both exited the room, “You think we’re looking in the wrong place?”

“Could be, I guess we’ll have to walk around more and see!” Jesse smiled, giving Vixen a vague sense of reassurance. Jesse started to walk off in another direction, but Vixen stayed back just for a few seconds. He spun and looked around, down the hallways, through other rooms. Then he had a strange feeling, like he was being looked at, stalked. He noticed a slight bluish, colored glow, his mind went on full speed, and he hurled around behind him to see where it was coming from, catching a glimpse of what looked like an eye, but as he turned it was too late. The light disappeared. He shrieked, and immediately ran back over to Jesse, promptly pretending that nothing had happened, but Jesse turned towards Vixen with a mix of confusion and shock on his face.

“Did you just scream?” But he was cut off by Vixen.

“There was something watching me.” Vixen’s voice quiet and he looked petrified, eyes wide and arms close to his body.

“Like what?”

“I don’t know, Jesse! I saw some weird light and I turned around, and then it was gone!”

Jesse stopped and fully turned to Vixen, grabbing him by the shoulders.

“Look, it was probably just the sun casting by,” Jesse was cut off again.

“Listen to me, it was blue! There is something here with us,” Vixen wasn’t as scared anymore, but now annoyed that his friend won’t listen to him. His voice became more strained, “I don’t know what it was, but I know there was definitely something!”

“Alright, alright, I believe you, just stick close to me for now.” He took his hands off Vixen’s shoulders and nodded his head to follow, and Vixen followed suit.

Downstairs, Laysha, and Elliott found their way out of the twisting hallways and back somewhere near the main entrance. Elliott had gone over to what seemed to be a storage room, investigating whatever could be in there. Laysha had wandered down another, shorter hallway with only a few paintings and photographs lining the left side of the wall and on the right was a dark, wooden door. There was nothing too intriguing about it, but it drew Laysha in; another place to explore! She walked towards the door in effortless steps and opened it up.

Inside the room was an old, dusty wood desk with a chair slid into it- An office, perhaps? The walls were a deep maroon with entirely black floorboards. To the sides of the centered desk were two bookshelves, both partially filled with varying books. On the back wall was a window covered with curtains and underneath it was two strange, square objects both covered in a white sheet. Laysha fully walked in and was hit with a strange aroma, an odd smell of iron. She realized that on the desk layer a large book and she went over to investigate. Opening it up to a random page near the end, she soon discovered that it was all full of names; names of the patients and their reasons for stay. The names read as Ruby Di Amore, Ethel Wisconsin, Sherwood Sappington, Oscar Quinlan, Edwin Forester, Dorothy Falk… The list seemed to stretch on and on. The book seemed to hold upon hundreds of pages as she flipped through, skimming through the names of all these people, at a certain point the names had stopped being written down with the last name being recorded in 1922. She started reading before the last date, but a strange presence irked her, something that told her to look around, be more alert, but she continued and carefully read the names.

Elliott had searched around the storage room but found nothing of interest. Most of the boxes were full of old clothes or straightjackets, trinkets, and other odds, destroyed paintings beyond repair. So, he exited the room in a huff, slightly let down by the unexcited boxes. Instead, they decided to put their focus on the stairways and started towards them. Obviously, there was no way that they could walk up the dilapidated staircase, so why not downwards? He took one look and was met with a curious darkness staring right back at her. She took a deep breath and prepared herself, then took the plunge and started their walk down.

The stairway was long and did not seem to get much brighter, but eventually Elliott made his way to the bottom. He was met with not a destroyed, old basement, but what seemed to be a recreated speakeasy bar, decorated with nice warm colors. A bar was on the left, all stocked with alcoholic beverages and glasses and on the right were booths, accompanied by tables situated throughout the makeshift speakeasy. He took a closer look and led himself through.

Laysha was still listing off names from the patient book. Soaking in all their names, histories, and entries. It was about 2 pages back that she decided to stop and remembered her surroundings. The iron smell, the dull room. She sighed, standing up and scooting out of the chair, only to bump right into someone. She yelped, apologizing, before standing back and looking at the person in front of her.

Who she was met with was a man fully decked in red towering over her. Against his greying hair, he was wearing a stark top hat – almost reaching the ceiling in height – and a frock coat littered with stitched up patterns across his stomach. A silver pocket watch shined against his dark red pants, but Laysha was quickly drawn back up to his face; an annoyed look turned to anger.

“About time,” His deep voice bellowed across the room – what seemed like wisps coming up from his shoulders alighting his face, “What you think you are doing here and why are you here?” The man had a thick French accent, although that should not matter to her right now, she was entirely impressed.

“Oh, me and my friends were just- Uhm, looking around here,” Laysha stumbled over her words, giving out a nervous smile and slowly scooted away from the man before having a late realization, “Wait are you-”

“Friends? There are more?” He watched her carefully as she moved away, charily inspecting her movements.

“Well, yes, there is. There’s four of us, I don’t know where the rest of them are, sir,” She stopped in front of the left bookshelf, glancing around before holding her hand out for a handshake, “I’m Laysha, and you?” She kept her voice as calm and approachable as she could. All he did was turn, look down at her hand, then back up at her, raising a brow.

“Dr. Geiermann,” He rubbed his face and sighed. He glanced around the room in thought, wondering what move to make next, “I cannot bother doing this, I will let Vincent find the rest of you...” He bowed his head whilst mumbling words underneath his breath, before walking forward and disappearing into the wall. Laysha stood there in complete shock. Did she witness a ghost for herself? An actual dead person, standing in front of her? I mean there was no doubt about it, he looked human, but his eyes were black and hollow save for two pink pupils in the middle. And the wisps coming off his shoulders! He was dressed in what could it have been- the Victorian era at least. He did not seem happy to see her at all, or to hear that her friends came along with her, but his name... Dr. Geiermann! Of all the people, could she have just met the past owner?

Back downstairs, Elliott was still in awe. Looking around and studying the place.

He thought aloud, “But how could this even be here? It couldn’t be that old, half of this stuff is new...”

They looked behind the bar and picked up a bottle of whiskey, checking everywhere on it to see if he could find a date. After turning it around quite a few times, she managed to find a due date on the back of it.

January 30th, 2021, that's only a few days away.

Thinking aloud again, she spoke, “Now who in God’s name would have a place like this underneath an asylum of all things and even keep it stocked!”

“Well, well, can’t a few ghosts have a good time as well?” The voice appeared behind her, giggling as she stood completely frozen. A bluish light materialized from behind, complimented with reds and purples. Elliott slowly turned to face the mysterious voice, the liquid quaking in her grasp.

“What, a little chicken-hearted?” She fully turned around, now in front of them was a half-faced man. A grin was spread across his face, his pupils large and glowing behind his red tinted glasses.

Holding his hand out to shake, he spoke once more, “Hello.”

Back up in the second story, Vixen and Jesse stuck close to each other. The grey light shined through the cracked and broken windows of the asylum, lightening the already dim glow of the lightbulbs. Across both hallways, were the same rooms, repeatedly. Holding the same things; bunkbeds, dirtied floors, chipped off walls, and cobwebs. Despite this, they thought that if they still peaked in, there would be something different. Maybe not. At a certain point, the hallway broke off into two once more.

“Do you think it would be worth going down there?” Jesse questioned as he turned his head to his friend.

Vixen tilted his head, shifted a bit then responded in a wary tone, “No, I don’t think it would be worth it. What's to say that it isn’t the same thing again like the time before,”

“True, true.” Jesse responded, but something diverted their attention. In the corner of their eye, they saw a shadow walk by and what sounded like insults being thrown each and every way.

‘Idiot.’

‘Could not bother to stay put.’

‘But he is always like that, isn’t it?’

They kept going until the man passed their view and Jesse went chasing after the man. By the time Vixen even registered what had happened, Jesse turned the corner and was gone.

When Jesse turned, there was no one there, the man was completely gone. He couldn’t hear the person anymore, like he had vanished out of thin air. Vixen came running back up to him, startled and out of breath.

“Jesse, what do you think you’re doing?” He was huffing, trying to catch his breath.

“I was trying to see who that was,”

“Let me guess, they weren’t there anymore?”

“No, they weren’t. All I could make out is that he might have been wearing some sort of, I don’t know, top hat?”

Vixen’s eyes widened and he started to tug on Jesse’s shirt, visibly shaken, “Come on, Jesse, there’s clearly other people here and I don’t know if we should be staying any longer. I swear, there was someone watching me before, and I don’t want to experience that again!”

“Well, what’s to say that the others didn’t see anything, too? Maybe Laysha saw something or someone – this is more her specialty.”

As soon as Jesse finished speaking, both heard a yelp from downstairs. They both looked at each other before agreeing in silence to rush down to see what had happened.

It didn’t take long for them to arrive at the first story, and they were met with Elliott, looking entirely disheveled.

Jesse ran up to her, desperately inquiring, “What in the world happened down there, are you okay?”

Elliott took a step back, catching herself and looking at her friend confused, “You only just heard me?”

“What do you mean, were you yelling beforehand?”

“Of course I was! There was this, like, blue light behind me and then someone said something, and I turned around and he was inches away from my face!”

“Alright well who was this he?”

“Why do you think I know?”

“I don’t know, describe him then!”

“He was all in fancy clothes, top hat and all; he even had a cane! I think he was wearing some type of tailcoat?” She paused to catch her breath, trying to run her mind back up to speed with the rest of her body.

Vixen crossed his arms – more so hugging himself, “Great, completely great, this place is actually haunted! What are we supposed to do now?”

Jesse huffed, upset at Vixen’s remark, “We just wait for Laysha, Elliott where exactly is she?”

“I’m fairly sure she went to the office last I was with her,”

“What do you mean ‘last I was with her?”

“Well, we split up to cover more ground on the first floor, but I am fairly certain she did go there. Do we go get her, or?”

“Unless she comes to us herself, we’ll go and find her then.”

Back in the office with Laysha, she was still reeling from her encounter with an actual ghost! How cool is that? She was already tapping away on her phone, writing down what the man looked like and what she thought of him, so she remembered. Now she has to tell her friends. Quickly putting her phone back in her pocket, she rushed outside of the office. She booked it outside only to meet right with her friends, waiting for her. They all looked different degrees of shocked.

She tilted her head, confused, “Did something happen, what’s wrong?”

Jesse was the first to tell her, “Look, all of us are pretty sure this place is haunted, me and Vixen saw some guy walking down the hallway, along with something glowing, watching Vixen, and Jesse had someone right up to their face!”

“Oh, yeah, it is,” She gave Jesse a wide smile, “You just realized that?”

“What do you mean? Did you know that beforehand?”

“Well, not really,” she crossed her arm, holding up her hand to her chin, “I came across one when I was in that office. So, you found more?”

“Yes, we found more!” He was more aggressive in his tone now, very much upset about the fact that she didn’t tell any of that to him sooner.

“Sweet! Where are they?”

“We don’t know, they’re all gone now,” Jesse put his hands on his hip, “How would you suggest we find them? Seems like they’re all spread out around this maze of a place,” He appeared to be more levelheaded now, softening his voice.

Laysha made a quiet “Hm” sound, “What if we just go searching from where they came from? Didn’t Elliott say that they came from the speakeasy, did you respond to the ghost in any way, or did you just run?”

Elliott promptly piped up, “No, I just ran,” He clasped his hands and shuffled in his spot a little bit, “The guy seemed creepy either way.”

Laysha had a bright, encouraging smile on her face, “Well then maybe he’s still there, I say we go check.”

Without giving any of her friends a choice, she hastily made her way down the winding hallways all the way to the makeshift speakeasy.

The entrance to the speakeasy was as dark as ever; like it was sucking in the surrounding light for itself. Laysha swiftly made her way down the stairs, intaking every little detail (about as much as her eyes could let her). The oldened floorboards creaked beneath her shoes until she finally made it down. As she stepped down, she immediately went in a sprint to look for the supposed ghost. She booked it straight towards the bar, looking down behind it but alas, found nothing. Rapidly jumping up and over from the bar, she looked past the nearby corner of the room, but there was still nothing in sight. The entire speakeasy was flat and open and there were no ghosts to be seen.

Laysha sighed and moped to the center of the room, “Well, so much for that.”

“Well, I wouldn’t give up so easily now!”

She jumped and instantly turned around, abruptly met with a man smiling only mere inches from her face. As she turned away, he floated backwards and held his hand out to shake. Laysha shook it and promptly had a horrible, painfully cold sensation going up through her hand and into her arm.

“Hello, hello! The name’s Vincent, Dr. Vincent Geiermann and you are?” He rapidly shook her hand up and down, not even letting go for just a second.

She barely understood what he was saying, sounding like a slur of vowels and breaths strung together and barely pronounced consonants. Laysha quickly pieced together that he was asking what her name is.

Talking with a steady voice, she responded, “Oh, my name is Laysha, Laysha Boyer. Those are my, uh, friends over there.” She gestured with her head and saw Elliott giving her a disapproving shake of the head.

With an unnatural turn of the neck, the doctor stared at her friends with an even wider half-faced grin. They all stared at Dr. Vincent with large eyes. The man was dressed from head to toe in shades of blue and green; save for his circular, bright red glasses and a top hat taking up most of his height. His tailcoat was spread out as he floated, and underneath it seemed to be a tie and a green button-up. Most notable of all was the mask covering the left side of his face.

He floated over to the group, kicking his feet and giggling. Scanning over the group, his cyan pupil began to widen.

“Say, what exactly brought you’se four here?” He turned upside down and proceeded to float over them, “Its a rarity to see anyone that's here and not around to mess up the place or whatnot; but you’se seem like a good bunch!”

The ghost chuckled after finishing his sentence and the group all took turns glancing and nervously looking at each other. Suddenly, he flipped back upwards and twirled his cane, setting it right back on the ground. His legs continued to float as he rested his arms on the cane.

Jesse was the one to pipe up first, “Well, the gist is that we kind of... Hunt ghosts? And we were here to see if there were any to, uh...” He trailed off, still baffled about everything that is occurring.

Elliott finished for him, “We were coming to see if we could buy it and use it as a haunted place attraction.” She was completely unmoving from her spot, letting her monotone voice do all the work. Dr. Vincents eye widened as his smile managed to creep up through his face.

He let out a sinister laugh before responding, “Oh, how lovely, lovely! Also, also, did you happen to see any other ghosts on your little tour?” Dr. Vincent seemed entirely unphased by the whole “buying the asylum” bit and instead indulged in his own conversation.

“I found a ghost in the office-” Laysha was cut off in an instant by the ghost.

“Oh, that was my father, don’t worry about him!” He giggled and joked, not having a care in the world (I guess you wouldn’t if you’d been on Earth for that long).

Vixen made a small gasping noise before questioning, “Wait so you are-”

Dr. Vincent cut him off immediately; already knowing the question and answer, “Yes, yes, second – and last, heir to the throne of the asylum! I thought, I thought I gave it away with the whole introducing myself as doctor and Geiermann, not the brightest of the bunch, eh?”

“Well, I-”

“Don’t worry, don’t worry,” He appeared over to Vixen in less than a second, “You even lose a bit of that smartness when you’ve been staring at the daisy roots for how long!” He laughed and leaned his head on Vixen’s shoulder until the boy rapidly stammered away from the ghost. Dr. Vincent promptly reappeared back to his original standing point and continued their little conversation.

“So, you’se were saying about possibly buying the place; turn it into those haunted house ‘tractions, yeah? How much we talking here?” Not being able to stay still, he started floating and roaming around the group; making zig zags between them. Patiently (or not so) waiting for a response.

Laysha started walking towards her friends, watching the ghost drift mesmerizingly above, “Well, I think- I guess it would depend on how much you would like it to be.”

She returned to her friend group, but Elliott leaned in and asked her, “Do you not think it would matter more if we asked the guy that owns the place?”

“Well, considering that there are also other people that live here, I think we should ask them too!”

Elliott sighed, not wishing to pursue the conversation, so he let Laysha and Dr. Vincent continue with their bargaining.

She crossed her arms, “Exactly how old is this place?”

The ghost paused, tapping the bottom of his chin with a quizzical look, and making a ‘Hm’ sound. Without warning, a large puff of red smoke appeared right next to Dr. Vincent. As it dissipated, a figure took form and revealed that it was the same ghost from the office; Dr. Geiermann himself.

He spoke in a low, annoyed voice, “One hundred and thirty-seven years old. I thought you would do better, Vincent,” He turned to the group and raised a brow, “You are the others I presume?”

Vincent answered right away for them, “Yes, yes, they’re visitors, visitors!”

“Trespassers, imbécile,” He shot his head over to his son and frowned, “You are seriously giving the asylum away to children?”

Laysha argued, “We are not children! We have a whole job to do, that’s why we want to buy this asylum in the first place!”

“I do not want this place to be the next dernier cri, so do not bother-”

Vincent rapidly flew over to Laysha and held his hand out with a malicious smile, “How does 5 grand sound?”

Dr. Geiermann sputtered and stammered for a second before gathering himself together, but by that time Laysha had made her choice.

“It’s a deal.” She shook his hand and started giggling as his smile grew, unnaturally stretching up to his eye.

“And how! So wonderful, wonderful!”

“No, Vincent, not wonderful,” Dr. Geiermann grabbed his son by the shoulders, moving him away from Laysha. Vincent stared up at his dad with a confused and frankly annoyed expression, “You do know what you are doing, right? You are seriously giving it away that easily? You did not even think!”

“First of all, I thought it all the way through.”

“En cinq secondes, sérieusement?”

“Yes, I know, shocking. I think it would be nice to have more visitors, wouldn’t you say?”

Dr. Geiermann sighed and rolled his eyes, exhausted, “Tu me donnes mal à la tête...”

Vixen leaned into Laysha and whispered to her, “What is he saying?”

“I have no clue,” She replied in a similar subtle tone.

Vincent exclaimed once more as he whipped his head around to the group; his pupils a wide blue, “We have come to an agreement!”

Dr. Geiermann chipped in an immediate, “No we did not,” he scooted his son away and stiffly approached the friends. He stopped just in front of them, staring them down; he finally replied, “If you go through with buying this place, I have rules. You touch not a thing, you change nothing, you add nothing; is this go to be a paid tour?”

Laysha panicked for a moment before responding, “Oh, uh, yes?”

“Then you can put a box next the front entrance. That will be the only thing you add. You will add caution tape to the front of the stairs,” he walked over to the end of the staircase and pointed to the top of it, leading back to the main hall, “None of us want anyone else down here. You tell people, stay together, no one go to upstairs near the main entrance. Only the first and second floors. Do you understand?”

Laysha shook her head in slight confusion, but he had a point, it was his asylum after all, “Alright, we’ll follow your rules.”

Vincent responded an unnecessary and drawn out, “Boring,” he made a yawning motion with his hand. His father shot him a sharp glare, narrowing his eyes, but Vincent did not seem to care nor notice, “So many rules,” He tilted his head backwards to where his father was standing, “You’re a real pill, you know that?”

“And you think of yourself as better?” Dr. Geiermann started walking his way back to the group, looking down at his son, “You were about to let them do qui sait quoi!”

“Oh, boohoo, at least it would’ve brightened the place up a bit,” He stuck his tongue out nonchalantly, “But I’m guessing you wouldn’t want that, eh?” He started giggling at his own joke.

His father rolled his eyes, but took his attention back to the friend group, “So, you understand what you can and cannot do?”

Laysha nodded, “Yes, we do,” she glanced over to her friends with a desperate look in her eyes. The group nodded with murmurs of yes’s and yeah’s.

Dr. Vincent swiftly turned his head up and in an unnatural pattern, he swiftly floated over back to Laysha and shook her hand once more.

“Another deal then!” He rapidly shook her hand up and down before moving onto the rest of the friend group. The ghost swapped his hands, turning them over on one another, almost looking like a pretzel in comparison. Vixen had jumped back slightly at the sheer freezing cold of Dr. Vincent’s hand. Elliott and Jesse just nodded and shook, exchanging distressed looks to each other.

He finally let go, sparing everyone of a frostbitten hand. The ghost ascended upwards, suddenly stopping just before the ceiling and he looked down at the newfound owners in an aplomb pose. Dr. Geiermann watched his son with skepticism and uncertainty.

“So, any more questions or anything for me at all?” Dr. Vincent smiled as he scanned the group. He checked their mannerisms, any minute details. The way they looked; the way they stared in absolute awestruck.

Seemingly with no questions asked, he was just about to continue until Vixen impulsively asked, “What’s with the half a mask?”

The ghost snapped his attention abnormally over to the young man, his smile unwavering. He immediately flitted down to him, only mere inches away from his face, close enough to feel the icy chill. Then he spoke, “Wouldn’t you like to know,” Vixen was astonished and creeped out, the color seemingly draining from his face. His lips quaked, but all the ghost did was chuckle at his sheer fear until it turned into a boisterous laugh, swinging his arm around Vixen, “Oh, I’m just messing with ya!” Dr. Vincent took his arm away from Vixen, still continuing his giggling spree.

Dr. Geiermann looked at his son, his pupils visibly only a slit now, and turned to Vixen, “This is what you will deal with now,” Vixen nodded slowly while giving out a nervous chuckle.

Laysha had been in thought for quite some time, and decided, “If you have rules, then I have some as well,”

“For my own asylum?”

“Yes, actually. First of all, don’t interfere much,” She got cut off in an instant.

“Again, in my own asylum?” The ghost took a menacing step forward, narrowing his eyes.

Laysha confidently continued, “Let me finish, do not interfere much while we are working. Like doing tours and stuff.”

Dr. Vincent floated over to his father with his arms drooping downwards, seemingly sliding over to him without a single real movement, “Didn’t you say that the whole deal of buying this place was to turn into a, y’know, haunted tour?”

“I mean, yes, obviously, then there would be no fun! But just maybe keep the whole...” Laysha trailed off, trying to think of the correct words to use to not make anyone upset, “Everything to a minimum.”

“By everything do you mean him?” Dr. Geiermann nodded his head towards his son, and he seemed entirely unfazed about the fact they were now talking about him. He was just fiddling with his gloves.

Laysha nodded slowly in agreement, “Yes, and whoever else is here in the asylum, like the past patients, I’m assuming.”

“I saw someone staring me down in one of the hallways thirty or so minutes ago,” Elliott piped up from the midst of the group, walking forward slightly, “Was that one of them or?”

The ghosts both promptly answered, “Ruth,” Dr. Vincent snapped his head up and Dr. Geiermann stood taut as he stared at Elliott. Dr. Geiermann spoke normally, “Do not worry about her, she just likes staring on occasion.”

“Not like she can do much either way with how balled up she normally is!” Dr. Vincent started to shake in laughter, nudging his dad by the side with his elbow to see if he thought his, quite frankly, mean-spirited joke was. All Dr. Geiermann did was look down at him, and stare at him with completely dead eyes and no sign nor even a flinch of joy within this man.

“Well alright then,” Dr. Vincent rolled his eyes and gave out a dramatic sigh.

Laysha continued her list of rules, ignoring (well doing her best to ignore) what happened, “Do not fiddle with the money box and...” Now she completely forgot what she was going to say. Laysha frantically darted her eyes to her friends, hoping they could at least think of something to help her with ground rules or anything!

Jesse had stepped up to help Laysha, and spoke for her, “How about no picking up objects, so it isn’t too obvious that you guys are actually there,”

“Oh, and no making too much noise.”

Dr. Vincent tilted his head, “Exactly what counts as too much noise?”

Geiermann added on, “Can I even be allowed a walk?”

“Well, yes, obviously! Just don’t go around causing a ruckus,” Laysha quickly rebutted, “Like smashing stuff or arguing to each other.”

The ghost made a snide remark to his son, “Do you hear that, Vincent?”

“Yeah, did you?” He snapped back, crossing his arms in defiance, “With how much of a bluenose you already are, I never woulda’ thunk you do anything to begin with!”

“How many idiotic insults will you make until you stop your wake snakes spree?”

“Till the death of the universe, dearest father!” He leaned up close to Dr. Geiermann’s shoulder before breaking down in a laughing fit from how funny he thought he was.

“You are a complete lunkhead!” Dr. Geiermann shoved his son away from him.

The friend group simply watched on as the two ghosts started to go back and forth with each other. They kept spouting out different insults, annoying and taunting one another. Getting louder and louder, Dr. Vincent started shouting out profanities now, and he started getting physical. He shoved and poked his father, his gestures becoming increasingly varied and wild. Dr. Geiermann only stood his ground and continued to verbally reprimand his son.

“Well, you never close your head, so that’s on you!” Dr. Vincent blurted out.

Dr. Geiermann defiantly acquitted himself, “On me? C’est vous qui ne vous taisez jamais!”

“Est-ce que je ne me tais jamais ? C’est parce que vous ne vous taisez jamais et que vous vous plaignez toujours!” Dr. Vincent quickly snapped back at him over and over, now very rarely even giving his father a chance to react.

Laysha shuffled backwards to her friends and whispered, “Still don’t understand what they’re saying?”

Vixen mumbled back a measly, “Nope.”

The argument had now become a full on shouting match. The ghosts were screaming at each other, and so loud that Elliott noticed something just out of the corner of her eye. She leaned over to see up the stairs and saw three other ghosts staring down at them; two to the right and one to the left. Elliott immediately recognized one of the ghosts coming from the right- Ruth. The one that was staring him down at the hallway, but the other two he had no clue of.

The shorter one, seemingly only a child, was of a magenta hue. Her hair was shaped almost like a bowl cut, and she was wearing an oversized simple dress. From what he could see, random dark splotches dotted her arms. The ghost to the left had his entire head covered in bandages. His was of a tan and blue colors, sporting a simple t-shirt and pants. Although, when Elliott looked closer, she noticed that his head was floating instead if being attached to any neck. Elliott nudged Laysha by the shoulder, tilting and gesturing with their head to look up towards the stairs. As she did, her eyes widened in realization.

“Visitors?” Laysha said a bit too loudly for her liking.

Dr. Geiermann and Dr. Vincent shot their heads over to the friends, then turning their attention too the staring ghosts upstairs.

Without missing a beat, Dr. Vincent’s face grew in anger, and he flew to the end of the stairs and yelled, “SCRAM!”

They all disappeared in an instant, although the child lingered for slightly longer before slowly moving out of view. Dr. Vincent put back his façade as soon as they left, and calmly floated back down in front of the group. Dr. Geiermann still looked like he was fuming from the argument but didn’t want to engage any more than he had to.

“So, what were we discussing again?” Quizzed Dr. Vincent.

The group was still visibly reeling from the shouting match, all of them having wide eyes. But Laysha once again took hold of the answer.

“We were, uh, talking about rules… But I think that was it, right guys?” She looked back and forth between her friends with a desperate look in her face and a nervous smile. All four of them nodded and gave different variations of yes; yup’s, yeah’s, and ‘mhm’ littered the air.

“And how! That was a lovely conversation- though excuse my father for the disturbance.” Dr. Vincent pointed back to his dad as he was about to blow a fuse.

Instead, Dr. Geiermann angerly stated, “You know what? No!” And just in a flash, he disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

“Well thankfully, he’s gone now, so we have nothing to worry about!” He chuckled mid-sentence before calming back down, resting to his unnatural grin. He floated over in front of the group and rapidly looked between them.

“So, anything else you’se guy’s wanna know? Any other questions?” He was currently floating upside down now, putting his cane horizontally up to his chest and spinning it, waiting for any response.

Laysha spoke up in an instant, “How long did you run this place? When did you start working here?”

Dr. Vincent started giggling, “Oh, sometime after my father had died! I only lasted about 20 years before I kicked the bucket, but it happens to the best of us,” He tossed and turned in a fit of laughter. Smiling maniacally, he continued on, “And it paid some good clams from my last job as well! But that’s all.”

“Oh, thank you for the insight then.”

Dr. Vincent shook her hand rapidly, again sending multiple waves of freezing shock up in her arms, “Of course, of course!”

She nodded and pulled away from him as soon as he let go, “So, that was all we needed, actually.”

“Oh, seriously? Well, thank you for stopping by,” He seemed to switch tones, seemingly threatening, “Better get the money here soon.”

Laysha chuckled nervously, “Yup.”

He swiftly floated over to the end of the staircase and beckoned the group to follow him. They all promptly followed him back up the stairs. He started talking as they walked up the stairs, but most of the conversation was filled with his giggling and vaguely audible sentences. The friends just nodded along with him as they went along, not understanding his fast pace. After the trek upstairs, they said their goodbyes to each other.

“I’ll make sure that this place is in tip top shape when you come back to check in in a week,” Dr. Vincent floated upright (finally), “Certainly a pleasant time meeting you’se four!”

“And to you as well-” Before Laysha could finish, he grabbed her hand and shook it for the umpteenth time.

“Well, goodbye, goodbye. Have a wonderful day!” He cheerfully exclaimed.

The group, one by one, exited the asylum, but were stopped for a few seconds to receive Dr. Vincent’s chilling shake. They all left down the steps, and he yelled to them, “Au revoir!” before he slammed the door without giving them a second to respond.

After they had left, they all joked about what had happened. The strange asylum, the eccentric ghost and his father (among the others they didn’t even get to meet).

“How many others do you bet were in there?” Jesse larked.

“Do you see how big that place is?” Elliott gestured to the massive asylum, “There has to be at least two-hundred ghosts.”

“Two hundred, seriously?”

Laysha laughed at their antics, deciding to walk around the asylum for a bit. She stared at the cracked bricks, littered with vines and plants. The entire building seemed to be taken back by nature now that she looked at it. She carried on walking to the right of the building, breathing in every detail, but she still wished that she questioned them more. What’s the history of this place? What about the ghosts that were sentenced to the asylum? Drowning in her thoughts, she made her way to one end of the building and peeking out from around the corner seemed to be a cemetery. Laysha tilted her head, above it read “The Geiermann Cemetery.” Could it have been for the past patients? Vixen interrupted her thoughts by appearing behind her, tapping her on the shoulder and giving her a bit of a scare.

“What are you doing over here?” Vixen quizzed.

“Just wanted to walk around the place, what about you?”

“We were looking for you,” He chuckled lightly, “Isn’t the guy supposed to pick us back up soon?”

“Oh, right, right! I completely forgot,” She glanced over back to the cemetery.

“What are you staring at?” Vixen leaned over to see what she was looking at.

“I don’t know, must have been an old graveyard or cemetery thing to keep the past patients. I mean, you heard what Elliott said,” Laysha gave him a polite smile, “About time we get going, I don’t want Jesse gnawing at my throat for being late.”

Vixen laughed and they went on their way.

They walked back, greeted their friends but Laysha had not told them about what she saw, and Vixen already seemingly forgot. After about a minute or so, the man arrived to pick them back up. He asked how they liked the place and if anything happened, but they had a silent agreement not to say anything about the ghosts just yet. They just joked about certain things that had happened (or changed them for the story) and went on with their lives. Laysha had told the man that she would like to buy it for the five thousand agreed before. He expressed a bit of shock but complied. They arrived back at the car and said their goodbyes to the man and drove off, discussing what to do next.

Epilogue…

Around 2 hours later...

Dr. Geiermann was looking outside a window on the far right of the asylum. The sun had started to set, and lay harsh shadows against the dead forest. Leaves were brushing around in the wind, dancing and swirling until the gushing wind had stopped. The sun was bright as it sunk down past the Earth from his view. No one else was roaming the hallways and no other sounds were being made. He was all alone with his thoughts. Up until a blue flume of smoke appeared behind him, and a familiar tricolor glow was seen. Dr. Geiermann let out an annoyed sigh before turning to look at his son.

“Have you come to apologize yet?” His face grew dark.

“For what?”

Dr. Geiermann groaned before responding, “Never mind.”

His son giggled and promptly rested his arm on his father’s shoulder, “But that wasn’t what I wanted to talk to you about.”

His father turned back around to the window, “What do you want of me, Vincent?”

“Oh, nothing, nothing! Just about those kids. So when they come back around and buy the place, who’s gonna look out for the tourists?”

“What exactly are you to get at here? Such as…” Dr. Geiermann trailed off, flitting and turning his hand about to get the right words, “Vous cherchez les touristes pour qu’ils ne nous voient pas?”

“Exactly!” Dr. Vincent snapped his fingers and moved his head away. He started floating around, tapping his finger on his chin, wondering, “So, who exactly do you think would be good for that?”

“Why are you asking me?” His son cut him off in a flash.

“Of course, you would be perfect, perfect! Thank you, thank you!” He gave his father a swift hug, and just as he appeared, he was gone once more.

Dr. Geiermann was left there to ponder what had just happened to him (again) and question what his son had gotten them all into. All he could for now, is stare back out into the now nightly dark woods, and wait until next week.

#boring days #ghost #ghost oc #writing #fiction #fiction writing #humor writing #character writing #ghost ocs #writers on tumblr #supernatural writing #ghost writing #ghosts #screams #I AM SO HAPPY I FINISHED THIS #FINALLY #IT TOOK ME HOW MANY MONTHS #BUT I FINISHED IT #YAYYYY

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wardsutton · 6 months

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Many thanks to the Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop for naming me Humor Writer of the month. I'm honored! My mother, who died in 2019, was a big Erma Bombeck fan and had a number of her books, including this one, signed. She would have gotten a real kick out of this news.

#erma bombeck #humor #humor writing #cartoonist #cartoonists

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marblesmind · 3 months

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Why is writing in a comedic style so embarrassing like oh look I’m saying words haha I really hope they’re funny or else I’m gonna cry and my head will implode in on itself.

#marbles rambles #writing #humor writing

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abbinurmel · 2 months

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I spent the past couple hours tailoring this aimless rant on YT, in response to a person merely saying how much they'd love for a reboot of 'Cow & Chicken' on adult swim, cos they could say whatever they like on there. I posted it here, cos YT doesn't wanna allow me to post anything right now, which is probably for the best.

This is gonna be a dumb rant. I got sucked down a rabbit hole, cos this is a favorite topic of mine to talk about and I'm procrastinating horribly on purpose on a lot of dull paperwork. So strap in before reading my garbage. You're warned now, don't hafta TLDR or whatever, thanks, I already know. …Anyways. For those who care about irrelevant, shitty opinions:…I love Cow & Chicken. A lot. On paper I know exactly why it seems like a great idea to reboot on 'adultswim', purely on the merit they do things more outrageously. I'm certain many would watch this. It's actually kinda weird there hasn't been one yet, when you think about it, given this age of rehashes. It already has the raunchy humor and gross art down, seems like a match made in heaven, right?- It'd be easy too, "Cow & Chicken" wasn't exactly lavishly drawn or had a big cast. Well… Much as I think there could be a slim possibility of it happening, for it to be good, and IF they do good, to be wildly entertaining…I don't think "Cow & Chicken" is going to ever get actually rebooted. And I don't think it benefits from being rebooted, either, which is really the only reason you should try to reboot things ever in the first place. The lore of an IP needs to benefit in being revisited, somehow, and ESPECIALLY, SPECIFICALLY, if brought back for adults. It is very unlikely gonna be executed right, ironically BECAUSE of this show's already semi-adult nature. And the reasons why, is endemic to why a whole lot of current modern shows, and movie/live action series remakes, are suffering too. -And no, it is NOT due to the reasons some of you're likely thinking of. It is NOT cos of any tired old: "things are just too safe and WOKE /PC culture now!" theories. (That sort of affair is highly subjective/means basically nothing or very different things to different people. Pretty impossible to gauge due to how all over the place/ludicrously out of touch with general fans censors and networks can be, no matter what their political leanings or personality is. Which can and do range all over the place. So I won't go into that topic as it's an entirely different problem to what I am talking about. Plus I was there for the 80s and 90s, its pretty silly to say we can not get away with any wild things these days, cos let me assure you, by comparison, there is a LOT technically more we CAN do and say now, in both kid's and adult shows, that would never get by in a million years 30 years ago. You couldn't even just say the word 'kill', 'poop' or 'die' then, most the time. Let that sink in.)

…See to me, if it ironically hadn't ever been restrained by censors/made for kids, C&C might've been NOWHERE as good. Like. At all. It might've actually been one of the worst CN shows aired. Just 100% annoying gross-out show laziness, like a lot of shows of its era. The main reason it didn't flop was cuz 1) duh, Charles Adler, the main voice, and 2) it did its 'thing' the way original 'Ren & Stimpy' did. It didn't beat for beat copy them. Their writing/visuals just simply knew how to cross the line JUST enough, keeping the raunchy humor tucked in JUST as far as they could push it, but knew also on the whole how to always stay utterly light hearted, simple and goofy. That's where its core identity is. It's the dumb blithe enthusiastic Innocence of pretty much the entire cast, and the goofy simplicity of the plots/gags, while they get to say out the side of the mouth much more 'mature' sinister things….It works purely b/c of that contrast; sometimes with innuendo being camoflauged extremely subtly, sometimes NOT subtly at all. -But it would always go ping-ponging gracefully between the two. Never too much Idiotically Innocent, or too Smugly Adult and Crass. It would do this, with actual wit. It didn't JUST have gross visuals or say dirty jokes. It did all this with a theatrical, self-known flair. Shows like C&C and its fellow Golden Age shows basically are very good at doing what franchises like Monty Python were known for, and what Regular Show and Gravity Falls and similar would do later on, just with more visual ugliness.

…Meanwhile, a lot of other 1990's/current shows DO NOT have this memo. They do not have that balance, they lack the awareness of what is the difference between 'sneaking in occasional very dirty jokes with wit' and "throwing every and any kinda joke at a wall and not even bothering to look at what sticks." A LOT of 'gritty comedy parody reboot' things are doing this, and also doing this same idea just with the "dramatic tropes" instead of comedic tropes too. ….Including Ren & Stimpy itself. -Once 'The Ren & Stimpy Show' moved to SpikeTV, they went fully 'adult', and by direct result went 1000% downhill. I don't ascribe that to just poor writing(the original has flat stupid writing too), or ugly looking animation (so is the original). Not even John K.'s…ahem, history. If you fixed his behavior, and abusive attitude; made all his notoriously horrible bad jokes tamer, I still think 'Adult Party' would've tanked, because doing this concept in of itself is a fool's errand. It's not just rebooting nostalgic childhood IPs that's the problem, but specifically attempting to repackage something that was already a mild bit 'tawdry', so now that it is INTENTIONALLY for adults only. Whenever the entertainment industry does that 'gritty effect', be it games or movies or Netflix or comic books, it's 8/10 doomed, because you essentially neutered the core joke or appeal. You've taken away the cool 'taboo' point of saying hidden naughty/clever things, in a story you're not SUPPOSED to. You're able to state and do whatever you want, and so there's not only no leash to hold down any of the weaker ideas, there's almost no "rebellious challenge" to its bite whatsoever, even when those jokes/story ideas succeed. Noone is gonna be shocked or laugh nearly as much when a Red Guy says "KISS MY ASS!" unironically in an adultswim show, as they would if he says "KISS MY ASS!!!!!!….-Her name is GERTRUDE! :D" -and then happily pulls onstage a donkey wearing a big bowtie in on a rope, because this renders it now a pun and technically 'child safe' to flaunt now. (This isn't a real joke from the show btw, I'm only making this up for convenience. But you get the idea. It's the precise sort of silly thing you know he'll do. :P )

Neither the audience nor execs are 'prey' anymore for the writers to be creatively poking the boundaries with, when you remove that expectation. It's different if your IP started with an already adult geared story to begin with, but, when it's a full on polar opposite shift in tone and/or age demographics like that, it's almost always pulled off in a confused messy way, because even the original work's creators themselves, (IF they're even kept around, or are familiar with the source material if they are new), are trapped now in completely unfamiliar territory. Without a deeply wild reinventing of the show's lore or main tenets(a thing which nobody has ever been upset by on the internet!), it usually doesn't have anything else to stand on, especially with a purely episodic comedy show, like Cow and Chicken is. Once you take out this 'vulnerability' in our dynamic, between child/censor guardians, and writers, this main core joke of not knowing what the writers are and are NOT actually going to get away with is gone, and so much of the stakes now is irreversibly lost. Sometimes being hidden from the details is what makes a gag all the more funnier, or a scary scene all the scarier, or a cringe scene all the cringier. If we take away this, things lack a lot more of the colorful shock & ridiculousness. The main DNA in these classic "deranged shows", like Ed, Edd n Eddy, Ren&Stimpy, Rocko and C&C, that a lot of nostalgic fans, and current show-runners often alike forget; is the simple fact that such shows had to weigh the balance of: 'being a sincere kid show' and 'trying to get away with something they're not supposed to'. …With very deep emphasis on the words: "GET AWAY WITH". To me, a show is not getting "away" with something good, be it a message, a joke, a deeper sense of drama, if you constantly always spell it out for us, and we know you lose nothing and have to take no creative risk by displaying it for the audience. You're not really earning a prize, if someone just right at the start, hands you a medal. In other words….Every good memorable/subversive classic cartoon show, is not beloved just because they got to have crazy visuals, or say and do unhinged jokes. …You needed to be MEMORABLY STRANGER for having those qualities, in the first place. If you do something unhinged and bizarre, but coming in I expect to see it, is it really an unhinged show?

See, there's a reason why most of the frequent reboots of Scooby Doo like 'Velma' atrociously fail. And it's not because they changed someone that was formerly white, or made someone like Shaggy have a different name, or backstory. Or even because they overhauled an old wholesome character into a rude, toxically mean, judgemental unpleasant character. Yes this does affect some tastes, but on the whole, that wasn't the core problem for most watchers. LOADS of shows have a morally awful, pompous, or an incompetent, chaotic mess for a central protagonist, or reinvent them in some way if they come from an old property. Harvey Birdman Attorney at Law, and Space Ghost Coast to Coast did more or less exactly what "Velma" does, where they took an old IP and completely transformed their roles/upgraded their style of humor for a more adult audience. Rick & Morty has a toxic main protagonist. South Park has four of them. Family Guy and American Dad has them, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, The Sopranos, the list goes on. Even kid shows do this, and sometimes get away with it well too: Dan Versus did it well so did Ren and Stimpy, again, back when it understood how it worked. Having a mean protag or changed fundamentals, isn't why so many reboots don't work. …What happens with bad modern remakes of Scooby Doo, (and not just in shows like Velma), is often that they forget how to make things have that beautiful sense of contrast, that Cow and Chicken does, in its writing. They do not know how to both show this is a show rooted in something sincere, WHILE ALSO saying outrageously dirty/surreal/mean/pompous or dark things inside that vessel. The appreciation for the context of its background, is what makes shows like 'Mystery Inc.' and 'Zombie Island' work, while Velma and other SBs, do not. If we took Cow & Chicken, stripped it of it's irony, what else do we have except yet another dime a dozen weaker show, constantly going 'haha, me say the rude words!/do the gross bad thing again!' adult oriented show, with no fangs? Another exhausting reboot, which takes yet another unoriginal idea, robs its reputation, and wastes our time? …There's a way to do this kind of thing right. I just do not think most people, not even some of the most talented in the business, have the freedom or ability to do so. Not even Samurai Jack, a legend of an animated program, escaped this 'update it for adults!' treatment unscathed. If you're gonna update something for adults, you really have to think about WHY it was good in the first place. Not take just what you had, and stamp lots of expletetives or flashes of red to indicate actual blood on there. You need either to actually SAY something, completely useful and different, or, just stick to your guns with the old formula, and do it so well it exceeds the hype for the original. Which is also near being impossible to do. Hence, it begs the question, why do it at all?

…Sorry for this TEDTalk, I just love being an absurd mess at 2AM when I have better more boring adult things to do.

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grayintogreen · 8 months

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I really have to say that in the wake of the quip post going around and me rewatching LOST, there is really nothing funnier than a scene that isn’t supposed to be funny, isn’t even set up to be funny, but through the absolute absurdity of the situation is hilarious. To wit, there is humor in playing an absurd scene completely straight without trying to draw attention to how absurd it is.

To use LOST as an example, there’s a scene where two characters meet on an abandoned ship in the jungle (which is funny on its own) that goes like this:

In one corner we have John Locke, currently playing with a knife while the guy he manipulated into coming into the jungle with him on a convoluted quest to get HIM to kill their mutual abuser because he couldn’t do it himself is banging on the door to the brig because Locke is allergic to explaining things as all the island mystics tend to be.

In the other corner, entering the scene, we have Danielle Rousseau, local island crazy lady that everyone has accepted as just a staple of the experience and is deemed an Ally despite the fact that she doesn’t join their group, lives on her own, and has death traps strewn throughout the jungle that are just commonly referenced as a thing that happens.

The two of them regard each other. “Rousseau.” “Locke.”

(And now it’s already funny to the Philosophy Major crowd but wait there’s more.)

Rousseau looks at the door where there’s still shouting and banging. Locke doesn’t explain anything. “What brings you to the ship?”

(Keep in mind that Rousseau is the one who showed the survivors the ship and makes frequent trips to it. LOCKE is the one acting weird. Locke has decided that the only way to make this situation Not Awkward is to just roll with it. He is legitimately Bavarian Fire Drilling his way out of what would CONCERN MOST PEOPLE.)

But here’s where it gets funny.

“I’m here for the dynamite.”

Okay. So you have one person who has locked someone in the brig for some reason and another person who is known to be EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS to the health and safety of others because of her death traps going “I need dynamite” and none of this sounds like sane reasonable behavior and the punchline is just both of them staring at each other and NOT QUESTIONING ANY OF IT. Rousseau walks out with a box of dynamite, Locke continues to wait for a murder to occur.

THAT is funny. That is humor that requires insight into the characters, the situation, and how none of the steps taken are the steps you’d expect. Humor doesn’t have to rely on zingers and meme worthy lines- it requires you to be able to take a completely absurd situation and play it absolutely straight. No irony poisoning and SEE WE KNOW THIS IS STUPID will ever compare to watching two characters just completely refuse to react to something weird or even treat it as anything other than normal behavior.

#LOST #humor writing #listen lost is actually one of the BEST examples of taking an absurd premise #and just going yeah that happens sometimes #like sure there’s quips but they’re unique to the characters #the funniest shit is just a bunch of characters walking off something wild that just happened #or reacting to with an irony that has to do with THEIR exhaustion #and not trying to beat the audience to it

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c-show · 4 months

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Read the rest of my newest short story at Flash Fiction Magazine!

#short stories #short story #satire #humor #author #authors #writer #writers #absurdism #humor writing #flash #flash fiction #absurd fiction #satirical fiction #short fiction

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lousyhumanmagazine · 10 months

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ON SALE NOW: Lousy Human Humor Magazine's Summer 2023 issue!

Packed with 24 pages of side-splitting articles, jokes, comics, and survival tips to keep you entertained the rest of summer. Embrace the lousy side of the season while it lasts for just $7.50. Get your copy now at our SHOP!

#humor writing #satire #funny #comedy #magazine #original art #politics #humor #lousy human #zine #small business owner

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dynamoe · 1 year

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read on archiveofourown.org | author: NobodysSweetheart

A Conjectural Technologies backstory story ('93-'94ish)

To get discounted admission to a prestigious Super Science Conference in Seattle, Billy Quizboy drops 10 years off his age, gets a bad haircut and wears very short pants to pass as the boy genius he used to be

Pro | Ch 1 | Ch 2 | Ch 3 | Ch 4 | Ch 5 | Ch 6 | Ch 7 → X | XI | XII | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 💀

Prologue | According to the Data Billy's mother negotiates with a "boy genius manager"

Ch 1 | I'm A Loser, Baby Years later, adult failure Billy gets Zima-drunk

Ch 2 | The PowerPoint of No Return Pete White takes the art of faking your identity seriously

Ch 3 | Junkyard Full of False Starts The boys search for an invention to present at the conference.

Ch 4 | [Untitled Makeover Chapter] Pete goes all 'cultural theory' on Billy while hemming his trousers.

Ch 5 | Empty at the Airport Ready to fly to Seattle, but the airport throws up its own challenges.

Ch 6 | The Shadows of Seattle Landed in Jet City. Pete loses his mind and his clothes.

Ch 7 | Syzygy The Spelling Bee Sorrows of Li'l Billy

Ch X | Coffee Achievers When in Seattle, caffeinate as the Seattlites do.

Ch XI | A Battery of Tests Li'l Billy gets a diagnosis

Ch XII | A Shining City on A Hill Billy discusses his mother's love for R Reagan

Ch XIII | The Ave Or Something Like It This is not their luggage.

→ Ch 14 | END of the BEGINNING (on AO3) Pete buys an outfit.

→ Ch 15 | BEGINNING of the END (on AO3) Conjectural Technologies presents their research

→ Ch 16 | THE END? (on AO3) The dinner at the top of the Space Needle has party crashers

→ Ch 17 | The END of the END (on AO3) The Cavalry arrives!

💀 THE BITTER END 💀

___