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themalhambird · 6 months

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The world is not real: Charlotte cannot touch it. This -news-, this tragedy is not real either, and it cannot touch her. There’s too much cotton in her ears, there’s an endless, keening chime slowly boring through her skull- in at one temple, out at the other- a continuous line, all the way through…

She is sitting on the sofa. There’s a cup and saucer cradled in her hands. She doesn’t remember picking it up, but the steam is ghosting over her face. It’s fresh. (Her husband is dead). Polly must have given it to her. (Her husband died at his own hand.) They have a visitor, she ought to be showing more hospitality. She wonders if there’s any of that fruitcake left. (Alfred confessed to murder. Alfred confessed to murder, and then Alfred murdered himself)

“Mama?”

Polly’s voice, soft and tentative as it is, makes her jump. Tea sloshes, spills over, pools in the delicate saucer. She shakes herself and focuses her gaze on Sir Julian. “That’s not,” she tries, but the sound barely forms. Charlotte pauses, swallows, tries again. “That’s not right,” she says, unsure if she’s really addressing Sir Julian Harker or merely facing his direction whilst trying to bargain with a Higher Power. “That’s not- none of this is right, Alfred wouldn’t- he wouldn’t do any of it, any of this…” But he has. He has, he has, he has, and when he comes home she’s going to skin him alive. “What will we do?” she asks, as the first beginnings of fear worm their way through the numbness of shock. “The disgrace of it-”

“Mama!” Polly cries, indignant. “At this moment, of all moments, your thoughts cannot be of what other people will think- what does that matter, what do any of them matter!”

It matters because they have never been reckless with money, but savings will not last forever and Charlotte doesn’t know if the widows of Police Inspectors who confess to capital offences and then take their own lives qualify for any sort of pension. It matters because the disapprobation of society in any circumstances can be death by a thousand cuts, whereas the widow who has the sympathies of her community has a better chance at maintaining a somewhat genteel situation. It matters because the infamy of the father will cast a shadow over the life and the character of the daughter- the best chance for Polly, now, is marriage, but what respectable, decent man would want a father- in- law six feet deep in unconsecrated ground?

“Mrs Hillinghead,” Sir Julian says solemnly, “I wish to assure you that you and your daughter will have the fullness of my protection. The events of the last twenty four hours- they will not reflect on you, nor on your daughter. You have my word.”

She acknowledges his words without really understanding- it will not be until much later, lying in a too-empty bed and staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep- that Charlotte will consider that Harker told Polly about Alfred’s death before he told her, that he stood as close to Polly’s chair as proprietary allows for, that he has seemed- these past few weeks- to admire Polly: her beauty, her music. And perhaps nothing will come of it but friendship- , but the friendship of a man that powerful is not an asset to be scorned. And if it turns into anything more…

They were nineteen, she and Alfred, when they married- they had been friends their whole lives before that. And she had known about him: years before they had married, she had known that his desires steered his eyes not towards the ranks of giggling, frivolous girls who batted their eyelashes at his well built figure and handsome face, but to other members of his own sex. And she had ignored it, because she knew him: he was too good a man to act on those desires. And he was kind, and gentle, and they were friends, and a husband who would be perfectly happy to conduct a marriage with minimal activity in the matrimonial bed suited Charlotte. She had courted him as much as he had courted her, really, although whether he ever realised that…

And he’s dead. Her best friend of nearly forty years. The murder confession, she has already written off- she neither knows nor cares about the details. If it was a false confession, then he confessed to try and protect someone- probably that journalist, given the confession it prompted to her, and she is furious at him. She is furious at him for not protecting his wife and child, and for not letting the journalist face whatever justice he merited- unless, of course, the man threatened to reveal Alfred’s inclinations, and take the Inspector who had detected his crimes down along with him. That seems, to Charlotte, the most likely explanation. And if the confession is- was- true, then Alfred must have had good reason for taking another man’s life: she has seen him carry spiders in the palm of his hand to release them outside, rather than squash them underfoot; she has listened to him vent his frustrations about officers being too heavy handed with their arrests at more dinners than she can remember. Taking another human life…it must have broken something in his mind, which would explain being in such a state that he would…. It does not matter. Alfred is dead, either way- she is a widow, either way. And she will encourage Julian Harker’s friendship, because if Polly can catch him she will have a comfortable home, and a husband who seems a good hearted and generous man. And she, Charlotte, will grieve Alfred Hillinghead. But if his death unravels into the scandal she fears, then she will take care to grieve him quietly. She will survive this. She has to. She has to survive this so that there’s someone who remembers that Alfred Hillinghead played cricket as a boy and took two sugars in his tea.

#bodies netflix #bodies 2023 #suicide ts #homophobia ts #(victorian-typical attitudes)#alfred hillinghead #charlotte hillinghead #trying to flesh Charlotte out a bit beyond 'generic victorian wife/mother #(also trying to get a handle on the Polly and Mannix happy timeline because they seemed to get married very quickly #but Charlotte wasn't in mourning dress during the ceremony so either there was a much longer gap than implied or Charlotte wasn't following #the usual customs for victorian widows)#anyway she didn't seem surprised when Alfred told her he was attracted to other men so I'm working on the basis that she worked it out #for herself long ago #And because I can I'm imagining Charlotte Hillinghead as somewhere on the ace spectrum who had #doesn't want sex every ten minutes #at the top of her shopping list when considering potential husbands #my fic #long post

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tariah23 · 3 months

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What does an incredibly rich celebrity (she’s a fucking billionaire) flying a private jet and fucking up the climate have to do with a regular person casually buying something that they want from a store………. What the hell…

#these two things…. they do not conflate-#ts fans are so… there is nothing up there #rambling #this was in response to a video of some loser white girl on tiktok defending her about her silence on Palestine and the private jet thing #and more #white women suck so bad bro #I just had to block one coming into my DM’s complaining about homophobia that wasn’t there #like roaches

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sixohsixoheightfourtwo · 1 year

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vimeo

The Ultimate Sterek Supercut - on vimeo

#teen wolf #sterek Rights #the lore #this is alltheir scenes. yes it's only 1hr16 which appears to feed the 'it was all made up from nothing' side of the argument #BUT - u have to realise that the showrunner CHOSE to drastically reduce their interactions once he became aware of the sterek fandom #truly a fandom has never been turned on the way that tw fandom was. the backtracking . Incredible to remember #was it bc d o'b hit it big w the maze runner films. was it bc tyler p was mad people paid more attention to the ship than to him #the main character.... was it JD's feeling of spiralling loss of control #this was the first fandom i remember ppl CAMPAIGNING for the ship and saying it was literally going to happen. and - more than that -#saying this ship was BETTER than certain other ships. beCAUSE it was going to happen. and /or bc it COULD happen #and they were not totally wrong right? bc this show made such a big deal out of being gay friendly 'this is a world without homophobia' &c #And yet that was a shallow statement bc the show had such a twink-centric view of sexuality. I saw a gif where Tyler P talked about how #great the show had been for the LGBT community and - I remember plenty of Gs but no Ls Bs or Ts u know #hah ok i just googled . there was a one episode lesbian couple - one of them DIED and the other went on to hook up w stiles. yell.#representación.#Vimeo #vids #reference #sterek

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 2 years

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Do you think Misha is really straight? Because that would mean Cockles wasn't real all along.

i've been kinda-sorta avoiding answering the asks i have along these lines, partly because i have real life stuff going on, partly because i'm obsessed with ofmd, and partly because i haven't really wanted to get into my feelings about it, because i'm still a little upset.

but look. not to overhype my credentials, but as one of the leading cockles experts out there... misha is not a straight man. i don't like calling him a liar, but he's not a straight man. i know too much about him, i've watched him do and say too many queer things for it to be even a possibility in my mind.

look, this is what happened. misha came out as bi. without prompting, he named himself as bisexual. if you watch the video, there is simply no way for it to have been a misunderstanding or for him to have misspoken. he came out.

that was on a friday, and he didn't post the "i'm straight" tweets until monday, after a full weekend of interacting with con-goers who treated him as having come out, and he never corrected them. some people claim that he was upset about the attention his coming out was getting, but i've heard of no accounts of him telling anyone "there's been a misunderstanding", only that he was potentially distressed about the media attention.

before misha's tweets, stands, the company that sells spn merch and is, i think, owned by misha (or at least closely tied to him?), sent out an email pushing bi spn merch with a reference to misha's coming out. stands posted a tweet about supporting "a queer man". that tweet was soon deleted. later that same day, misha's "i'm straight" tweets were posted, after more media outlets started reporting it.

i don't know what happened exactly, but i suspect that misha has a lot more trauma than any of us know about. we know that he was homeless for years as a child, we know he was bullied, we know he self harmed as a kid, we know he had a really difficult family situation and he moved around constantly, changed schools constantly, had a hard time making friends, was fat as a child and bullied for it.

it's pretty easy to observe that misha developed his characteristic bombastic overconfidence (calling himself "the overlord", etc) as a way to compensate for his actual insecurity, that he insulated himself from his pain and loneliness by intentionally standing out as "weird" by choice instead of by force. when we get glimpses of misha's underlying pain and vulnerability, it becomes pretty easy to see just how much of his personality has been deliberately constructed as means of self-protection.

and my point in saying that, is that despite all the confidence he projects, i think misha is genuinely terrified of coming out and being publicly known as queer. i don't know if this is due to general cultural homophobia or if he has personal trauma at the hands of homophobia, but when you examine all the pieces of his life i don't think it's difficult to imagine that he has at some point been traumatized by homophobia and it's left a lasting mark. he's very quick to stand up for other queer people, but he seemed damn near fucking terrified to call himself bisexual, even in a room full of his fans, a large number of whom had just identified as bisexual too. he's made "weird" his brand, has never hesitated to do bonkers off-the-wall shit, but it took him until the age of 47 to develop the nerve to come out.

i don't know if the backpedaling was due to personal trauma or professional worry, but i think he started panicking and dove back into the closet. personally, i feel like he should have foreseen it being picked up by the media, considering that he is famous, but i can't be angry or disappointed in him for going back into the closet. whatever the cause, i'm sure that it's a valid one.

mostly, it just... makes me really sad. like i said, i've seen enough over the past nine years i've been a cockles scholar that i know he isn't straight. and i just find it fucking heartbreaking that this man carries so much pain and fear in his heart that even after he worked up the courage to say it out loud, it still has such a powerful hold on him that he felt the need to lie about who he is.

it's just... fuck, it's just an utterly miserable thing to have to witness. you could see both the joy and the terror in him when he came out, and i was so happy for him and so proud of him. i'm not not proud of him now, but it just makes me so profoundly sad.

i haven't been able to laugh at any of the jokes and memes about it, because i care about him as a person and i genuinely think he carries a lot of unresolved trauma here. now he's the butt of a thousand jokes, and if he ever does choose to come out again it's going to be so much harder and messier for him. he has such a kind heart, so he probably feels like he's let his queer fans down, he probably feels terrible about lying, he probably has no idea what to do now.

i just feel really awful for him and i wish he could the have peace and freedom he deserves.

#misha #cockles ask #wank for ts #homophobia tw #anonymous #ask

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esf-art-and-design · 3 months

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Comprehensive list of Queer Pop Artists (wether through themes in songs or through confirmed ID) you could be supporting instead of throwing a fit over the fact that Swift is not gay and would really like if y’all stopped speculating (because it’s wrong to boil someone down to who they bone, and dangerous and harmful to out someone, thought we knew this as the queer community, but I digress)

List was created by a now deleted account on Reddit, so I can’t credit the exact person who created it

A Comprehensive List of LGBTQ+ Pop Music Act’s

additional reference: /u/[**frogaranaman**](https://www.reddit.com/user/frogaranaman/)**'s list divided by identity:** [**https://www.reddit.com/r/popheads/comments/c3rpga/happy\_pride\_in\_honor\_of\_the\_month\_here\_is\_a\_list/**](https://www.reddit.com/r/popheads/comments/c3rpga/happy_pride_in_honor_of_the_month_here_is_a_list/)

^(i divided by genre, so some people appear on multiple lists. I am not a musicologist; please do not ask me why i categorized an artist in one genre, but not the other. if the grammys never even get it right, how can i?)

**methodology**: i included artists who give a clear answer being a part of the community, have had it verified being queer and/or queerness some tangible way, have passed, and/or discuss queer themes in the first person in a moderate or significant part of their body of work. ^(i did not include comedy artists, so you will not see too many camp acts or drag queens here.)

**key**:

* *\** = person and/or representation of color, mostly black

* *(+)* = noticeably problematic

* *(#)* \- uses queer themes or narrators often, but not verified

if I missed someone, or misidentified someone, post a response with their name and genre. i will edit & include them.

# adult contemporary

* ben abraham *\**

* jennifer knapp

* will young

* sam smith

* billy porter *\**

* michaela jai *\**

# alternative folk & country

* orville peck

* adeem the artist

* tj osborne / brothers osbourne

* angel olson

* joy oladokun *\**

* sufjan stevens (#)

* evil *\**

* kd lang

* izzy heltai

* trixie mattel

* steve grand

* adrianne lenker (of big thief)

# alternative hip-hop & rap

* taylor bennett *\**

* snow tha product *\**

* zebra katz *\**

* shygirl *\**

* rob.b *\**

* tiger goods *\**

* naeem ***(formerly spank rock)*** *\**

* mykki blanco *\**

* princess nokia *\**

* mahawam *\**

* heems *\**

* saul williams *\**

* kalifa ***(formerly le1f)*** *\**

* omar apollo *\**

* keanan *(drill) \**

* drebae *\**

* cuee *\**

* junglepussy *\**

* angel haze *\**

* mista strange *(drill) \**

* the last artful, dogdr *\**

* dizzy fae *\**

* kelechi\*\*\*

* ilovemakonnen *\**

* kamaiyah *\**

* kidd kenn *(drill) \**

* leikeli47 *\**

* isaiah rashad *\**

* dai burger *\**

* azealia banks ***(+)*** *\**

* chicka *\**

* jaboukie *\**

* dapper dan midas *\**

* baby tate *\**

* kevin abstract / brockhampton *\**

* cakes da killa *\**

* iamjakehill / ur pretty

* cazwell

* lil lotus

* lil aaron

# alternative pop

* purple crush

* aurora

* st. vincent

* black dresses

* anohni

* maggie lindemann

* scott matthew

* oscar and the wolf

* steve lacy *\**

* dreamer isioma *\**

* vaultboy

* coco & clair clair *\**

* shamir *\**

* empress of *\**

* cat burns *\**

* kučka

* king mala

* lava la rue *\**

* devonte hynes / blood orange *\**

* jessica 6 *\**

* naeem ***(formerly spank rock)****\**

* adore delano / danny noriega *\**

* orion sun *\**

* dizzy fae *\**

* pvris

* japanese breakfast *\**

* dorian electra

* yeule

* kevin abstract / brockhampton *\**

* christine & the queens

* davy boi *\**

* declan mckenna

* yungblud

* jazmin bean

# alternative r&b

* durand bernarr *\**

* keiynan lonsdale\*

* frank ocean *\**

* noah davis

* serpentwithfeet \*

* joy oladokun *\**

* isaac dunbar *\**

* kwaye *\**

* steve lacy *\**

* kelechi *\**

* ray laurel *\**

* mac ayres

* orion sun *\**

* kyle dion *\**

* janelle monae *\**

* kelela *\**

* jeremy pope *\**

* syd / the internet *\**

* jamila woods *\**

* kehlani *\**

* mahawam *\**

* 070 shake *\**

* davy boi *\**

* destin conrad *\**

* michelle (band) *\**

* cat burns *\**

* coco & breezy *\**

* arlo parks *\**

* devonte hynes / blood orange *\**

* bartees strange *\**

* brayton bowman *\**

* bronze avery *\**

* cain culto ***(formerly ecclesia)*** *\**

* olivia o'brien

# SPOTLIGHT: arab, persian, & desi / south-asian artists

* the muslims *\**

* hamed sinno / mashrou’ leila *\**

* wafia *\**

* remi wolf *\**

* rostam / vampire weekend \*

* heems \*

* freddy mercury / queen *\**

* leo kalyan *\**

* lil darkie ***(+)*** *\**

* dounia *\**

* dua saleh *\**

* raveena *\**

* mavi phoenix *\**

* ray laurel\*

# black & urban contemporary gospel

* kevin terry \*

* mo heart \*

* resistance revival chorus \*

* james cleveland \*

* sister rosetta tharpe \*

* tonex / b.slade \*

* donnie mcclurkin \*

# blues / jazz / spoken word

* billy wright \*

* bessie smith \*

* frankie "half pint" jaxon \*

* big mama thorton \*

* johnny mathis \*

* ethel waters \*

* billie holiday \*

* little richard \*

* ma rainey \*

* billy strayhorn \*

* langston hughes\*

# camp

* iamjakehill / ur pretty

* jaboukie \*

* qaadir howard \*

# contemporary r&b

* whitney houston \*

* monifah \*

* iman jordan\*

* 070 shake\*

* bree runway\*

* coco & breezy\*

* dreamer isioma\*

# christian & worship

* william matthews\*

* semler

* ecclesia ***(now known as cain culto) \****

* sufjan stevens **(#)**

* jennifer knapp

* vicky beeching

* dion davis\*

* joy oladokun\*

* ethel cain

* julien baker

* dan haseltine / jars of clay

* ray boltz

# djs / producers

* kaytranda \*

* amorphous \*

* sophie

* mnek \*

* mike q \*

# electronic / disco / industrial

* woodkid

* robert alfons / tr/st

* bright light bright lights

* k flay

* beth ditto

* midnight pool party \*

* sylvester \*

* eartheater

* christine & the queens

* zee machine

* yves tumor \*

* passion pit

* the sound of arrows

* peaches

* fever ray / the knife

* hercules and love affair

* jessica 6 \*

* kele okereke / bloc party\*

* shura

* madison rose\*

* michael medrano

* shamir \*

* shygirl \*

# house / ballroom house

* little louie vega / masters at work\*

* azealia banks ***(+)*** \*

* tt the artist\*

* cake da killa\*

* kevin jz prodigy\*

* purple crush

* miss jay\*

* kevin aviance \*

* rupaul \*

# hyper / power pop

* 100 gecs

* that kid \*

* dorian electra

* mika \*

# indie & progressive pop

* mickey darling (#)

* fhat \*

* cub sport

* moses sumney \*

* kele okereke / bloc party\*

* minute taker

* morgxn

* shamir \*

* muna (\*)

* tawnted

* the aces

* rostam / vampire weekend \*

* this japanese house

* tinashe \*

* angel olson

* mothica

* peter thomas

* japanese breakfast \*

* lava la rue \*

* royal & the serpent

* michelle (band) \*

* semler

* pale waves

* perfume genius

* gabriel garzon montano \*

* declan mckenna

* the sound of arrows

* fever ray / the knife

* kali

* lava la rue

* girl in red

* bartees strange \*

* jake shears / scissor sisters

* ethel cain

* devonte hynes / blood orange \*

* purple crush

* tegan & sara

* oliver sim / the xx

* ssion

# indie rock

* kele okereke / bloc party \*

* cosmo jarvis ***(#)***

* oliver sim / the xx

* car seat headrest

* big thief

* now, now

* lucy dacus / boygenius

* rostam / vampire weekend \*

* boyish

* julien baker

* black belt eagle scout \*

* ethel cain

* courtney barnett

* pale waves

* joe talbot / idles

* le tigre

* john grant / the czars

* lava la rue \*

# SPOTLIGHT: indigenous artists

* black belt eagle scout \*

* keiynan lonsdale\*

* trixie mattel \*

# k-pop

* mrshll\*

* holland\*

* lionesses\*

* jiae / wa$$up\*

* wonho\*

# SPOTLIGHT: latinidad & latine artists

* arca \*

* ricky martin\*

* villano antillano \*

* cain culto (formerly ecclesia) \*

* tokischa \*

* mad tsai \*

* snow tha product \*

* 070 shake \*

* anitta \*

* kali uchis \*

* blue rojo \*

* pablo vittar \*

* maria becerra\*

* kaytranda \*

* omar rudberg \*

* empress of \*

* michaela jai \*

* willie gomez \*

* jessica 6 *\**

* mabiland \*

* princess nokia \*

* omar apollo \*

* adore delano / danny noriega \*

* omar rudberg \*

* adriano cintra / css \*

* young m.a \*

* gabriel garzon montano \*

* pablo alborán

* bentley robles \*

Also adding in general (not pop necessarily)

Elton John

Queen/Freddie Mercury

Lzzy Hale/ Halestorm

Taylor Momsen/ The Pretty Reckless

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nando161mando · 9 months

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"Every time I talk about the Leave Our Kids Alone movement telling LGBTQ+ youth kill themselves, people ask why I don’t share video evidence.

I. Have. Been. Sharing. It. Every. Week. Since. It. Happened.

Here it is again. Despite threats from Leave Our Kids Alone, I won’t stop reporting on this."

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yourchemicallyimbalancedromance · 6 months

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“I Keep You Safe From Me”

Chapter three: Push and Pull

Ship: slow burn romantic analogical

POV: Logan

CW/TW: this chapter lightly focuses on not being able to accept one’s sexuality, therefore causing minor mental health issues (in this fictional instance; In real life situations internalized homophobia can cause greater issues than the ones touched on in this part of the story.), If that in any way makes you uncomfortable or triggers you, please do not read; take care of yourself 💜 (also, let it be known that this is also a way of coping through my own issues, so I am not speaking on a topic that I am uneducated about.)

Also there is swearing in this fic as well

(No summary because I don’t want to give anything away.)

———————————————————————

3:24 PM

Logan closed the door and stood in the bare hallway aimlessly, mind running wild. He was dizzy from all the contradicting emotions. To anyone that passed by he probably looked like he was about to be sick. His face was pale and nausea rose up from his stomach to his throat.

Virgil was so beautiful, and sweet, and his music taste was immaculate from what he could tell by the band tees and posters and the little lyrics he heard over his pounding heart.

‘No.’ He told himself.

‘No. He’s only a friend. Barely that, even. An acquaintance. A stranger.’

He opened the door to his dorm and shut it with full force, not caring about the echoing sound that was bound to be heard from across the hall.

His room was a boring comparison to Virgil’s. NASA posters, paper mâché planets and stars hanging from the ceiling, messy bed, messy room, messy life.

He flopped onto his bed, face first into one of his many pillows, ignoring his previously abandoned desk which held a semi-realistic replica of the main planets; hand crafted from different things ranging from clay to styrofoam. The scent of paint filled the room and pale blue flakes buried themselves deep under his nails.

It was as if his brain was a broken record player, constantly taking his mind back to Virgil no matter how hard he tried to force the thought away.

‘His eyes, his voice— NO. Shut up!!’

He groaned into the pillow before turning over and pulling his hands up to his hair, gripping on to it harshly.

He’d fought these thoughts for so long, telling himself that liking guys was against everything he’d been brought up to stand for, to believe in. He’d never be accepted if he told his parents, or anyone for that matter.

…but Virgil seemed kind, and caring, what would be the harm in telling at least one person?

‘You’d get close and tell him, and then he would betray you and tell everyone.’ his thoughts responded.

He had only told one person before his first year at Georgia State, about his thoughts.

He removed his hands from his hair and dug around in the mess of blankets and sheets to find his phone.

He opened it and went to messages.

Logan: “I think I’m going insane”

Patton: “???”

Logan: “do you remember what I told you last year? about…you know.”

Patton: “I do. do you remember what I told you? It’s okay to say that you’re gay, Logan.”

Logan: “I like a guy. I think…maybe? Fuck, I don’t know. He’s a freshman here. No matter how hard I try to force him out of my head he keeps coming back.”

A chat bubble popped up before disappearing and then reappearing again.

Patton: “it’s okay to like him. It’s okay that you feel that way, but…are you trying to force him out because of him or because of you?”

Logan froze for a second, not wanting to answer.

Logan: “me”

Patton: “Right, okay. Thats alright. Listen, what about you try talking to him about it..? You might be pleasantly surprised.”

Logan: “No. Absolutely not. I’d rather throw myself down a flight of stairs.”

A ‘read’ message popped up under his text. Patton didn’t respond.

Logan rolled over onto his side, dropping his phone on the bed and staring at nothing in particular, letting his vision blur and unblur with every blink.

The silence was deafening but he tolerated it, forcing himself to deal with his thoughts due to having no energy to play music or rain sounds on his TV like he usually did.

He stayed like that for a while, staring into the void of nothing, letting his thoughts surround him, occasionally checking his phone for any messages from Patton, nothing came.

The time passing with nothing to distract him felt like torture. He hadn’t made any friends in the past two semesters and no one seemed like they really wanted to get to know him, and now…Virgil.

Virgil was here, and he was being nice to him, and he was probably fucking it all up.

The clock next to him reached 3:43 when he couldn’t take it anymore. He sat upright in bed and grabbed his phone with shaking hands, slowly getting out of the bed and walking into the hallway.

He stood outside of Virgil’s dorm for what felt like hours, but in reality was only a few seconds. He slowly raised his fist and knocked, holding his breath, quietly panicking.

What was he doing here, again? god, this was pathetic. Virgil probably hated him, he probably thought he was so—

“Oh, hey?” Virgil said a little confused, opening the door to see a fidgeting Logan.

“Hey. Um..” Logan raised his phone a little and tapped it lightly on the palm of his other hand a few times before looking Virgil straight in the eyes.

“I was wondering if I could get your number? Like, in case we have the same class and I need to get the notes if I miss a day…or something.” It was a blatant lie, he never missed a day, even when he was sick he showed up to classes; even if he was terrified that everyone in the lecture hall hated him over a few coughs and the occasional sniffle.

Virgil didn’t need to know that, though.

“Oh yeah, sure.” Virgil responded, afterwards reciting off ten digits to which Logan rushed to type into his phone.

“Is that it?” He asked after he was done. Logan stood there a second before breathing out, “yeah, yeah. Sorry, I hope I wasn’t bothering you.”

“I don’t think you ever could bother me. At least not now, anyway. You seem to like being around here though..do you wanna come inside? You can stay the night if you want.”

Logan’s eyes widened a bit at the observation and a pink flush melted into his cheeks. “You want me to— uh, yeah, I’d love that..I mean!— like, I’d like that.”

Virgil grinned, “cool” he moved away from the door and opened it wider, allowing Logan to come in so he could shut it.

He obliged, tentatively walking in, watching his step as to not make a fool of himself by tripping over the things all over the room.

“Sorry that it’s a mess, I forgot to say that earlier, but then again I wasn’t really expecting you.” Virgil said, kicking a trash bag away from him, making it land next to a pile of unfolded blankets.

“It’s alright, sorry for just..showing up.” He responded, folding his arms. A slight defense.

Virgil noticed this and tried to make himself seem gentler; shoulders relaxed, unclenched jaw, quieter voice. He didn’t know that realistically, the cause for Logan’s discomfort was no one’s fault but his own.

“I wish I could offer you something but there’s nothing in the fridge, and you’ll probably have to sleep in my bed…” Virgil said, “are you okay with that? I can sleep on the floor if you don’t want me to be—“

“It’s okay, really. I’ll sleep on the floor, it’s fine.” He said as calmly as possible, although the thought of being that close to Virgil made him feel like he was going to explode.

Virgil gave him a funny look, eyebrows raised slightly. “I’m not letting you sleep on the floor, man. That’d be pretty rude of me considering you’re the guest and all” he responded, almost laughing at the suggestion.

“Come on, you wanna watch Friends or something? I don’t know what time my roommate plans on coming back so..” he added, quickly changing the topic of discussion.

“Uh, yeah, that’s fine.” Logan said, trying to focus on anything else other than the rapid pacing of his heart. The clock on the wall. Focus on the ticking of the clock.

Everything faded away as his attention shifted and he could barely hear Virgil’s voice or notice how he was slowly walking in the direction of his room.

“—gan? Logan!”

He tore away from his staring contest with the clock and turned back to Virgil, who was standing in the doorway of his room.

“Are you coming?” He asked, hand on the doorframe, leaning against it.

“Yeah, sorry.” his body filled with tension as he answered, following Virgil into his room.

The first thing he noticed upon walking into the new friends strangers, room was the solid black pillows and comforter that took the place of the bare mattress. The blanket was wrinkled a bit, indicating Virgil had probably been sitting there before his unexpected visit…once again.

A Roku remote sat on the blanket next to Virgil’s computer. He grabbed it swiftly and unpaused the episode that was lighting up the tv. He recognized it as one of his favorites from the series: “The One After Ross Says Rachel”

Virgil sat on the bed where it was wrinkled, patting the spot next to him, beckoning.

He sat next to him, almost hanging off of the side of the bed with how far he kept the space between them.

Virgil didn’t notice, he was too busy laughing along with the laugh track.

* * *

5:20 PM

Five episodes later, Virgil had fallen asleep on Logan by accident, slowly leaning his head on his shoulder to being fully slumped against the taller man next to him. If he were awake, he would’ve never stopped apologizing and agonizing over the thought of making him uncomfortable because he was so close, but he wasn’t. He was snoring quietly, his chest rising up and down.

Logan didn’t move, tried his hardest not to breathe too deeply. He didn’t want to wake him up, he seemed so at peace, like he felt safe.

He moved his hand in slow motion and took the remote from Virgil’s hand, pausing the most recent episode they were on, stopping at the 10 minute and 45 seconds mark.

Quiet filled the room before Logan heard a door open and close, footsteps following closely behind.

Fuck, it was Virgil’s roommate.

#I’m projecting heavily on to the characters in this fic sorry not sorry /lh #sanders sides #thomas sanders #ts virgil #virgil sanders #ts anxiety #ts logan #logan sanders #ts logic #ts patton #patton sanders #ts morality #tw homophobia

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arowrath · 6 months

Text

it's a really big day for people with basic music taste please be patient in these trying times

#text #u know how vaguely homophobic straight girls say theyre a gay man at heart #im a vaguely homophobic straight white girl at heart #but without the homophobia hopefully. 10 years clean of homophobia #ts lb

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lily-janus · 10 months

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Communication Is Key

Summary: Logan has been shutting himself off from Janus which makes him extremely worried. One day, he decides to confront him.

Pairings: romantic loceit, platopnic dukeceit

Warnings: mentions of homophobia, grief, death mention, talk of past toxic behaviours, miscommunication, yelling and arguing, Remus being his protective and gross self, angstttt. Let me know if there's anything I missed.

Word count: 1,812

For @loceitweek day 4 conflict/resolution

-------------------

"...leave a message after the bip."

Janus let out a tired sigh as his call to Logan reached voicemail… again.

He looked around the restaurant and out the window to hopefully catch sight of him, but no dice.

He checked the time again… ah hour and a half after the time they agreed to meet at.

Giving up, assuming Logan got caught up at work and forgot about their date once again, Janus got up and left for his apartment.

He knows he shouldn't take this to heart, he knows Logan, knows how he thinks. It's not that he cares about work more than Janus, he just can't leave work until everything's done for the day. If not, he won't be able to give Janus, or anyone, his full attention.

It's not that part that bothers Janus, though, he was well aware of that side of Logan when they started dating. It's that he doesn't even bother to even notify him that he'll be late… that.. he doesn't talk to Janus anymore, not really.

What bothers Janus… is that Logan seems to be putting up walls around himself and not letting Janus in anymore. And, more than that, he doesn't understand why. Things were going really well… at least, that's what he thought, clearly he was wrong.

"Hey, Lovebirds- oh…" Remus' grin was wiped away when he saw only Janus entering the apartment, without Logan. "Stood you up again, didn't he?"

Janus didn't say anything, but his silence and expression seemed to be enough of an answer.

"Why aren't you ditching him again? How long are you going to let him ghost you like that?!" Remus growled in anger, "he shouldn't be treating you like this, Jan!"

Janus grimaced, "something's bothering him… I just know it… if he'd just talk to me…" he trailed off with a sigh.

His phone buzzed and Janus saw it was Logan calling. He hesitated for a moment, the pety part of him wanting to let him go to voicemail, but he answered in the end.

"I am so sorry, Janus, I had this emergency at work and I couldn't-"

"It's okay." Janus said tiredly.

"...it is?" Logan sounded surprised, and a little taken aback.

"Just… come to my place when you can, okay? I want to talk to you." Janus said, hoping he didn't sound too harsh.

"Oh… yeah, of course, I'll be there in exactly 30 minutes and 40 seconds. Logan said.

…

True to his word, Logan arrived just like he said, for once being punctual for something other than work.

He knocked on the door exactly 30 minutes and 40 seconds after their call ended, but Remus got to the door before Janus.

"Don't break him, please…" Janus shook his head. And he went to sit by the kitchen table, knowing there's no stopping Remus.

Remus grinned at him as he turned the handle, "no promises!"

He opened the door, "Listen, dork-face, if you keep treating my best friend like that I will cut your dick, cook it and eat it while making you watch, got that?"

"...as grossly specific as ever, Remus, I got it." Logan said, sounding a bit fond. Remus had a weird way of growing on you, Janus knew that from experience.

"...can I come in now?" Logan asked after a while of Remus not moving aside to let him through.

"You can try, but I-"

"Leave my boyfriend alone, would you, Remus dear?" Janus said with the shake of his head.

Remus pouted but moved aside, "boyfriends actually show up to dates…" he mattered before going to his room to give them 'privacy', he's probably going to listen in, this apartment's thin walls allowing no secrets.

Despite everything, Janus couldn't help a small smile gracing his lips when he saw Logan, the guy was too cute for his own good… how is he supposed to stay mad at those brilliant blue eyes?

No, you're not mad. He reminded himself. You're worried.

"I can sense I'm in trouble." Logan said lightly, attempting poor humor to lift the tension between them… it didn't work.

Janus bit his lip, now that Logan was here, he wasn't sure how to approach the subject.

In the end, as Logan sat down in front of him, he just let out a tired breath, "look, I'm not your teacher and I'm not your parent… I'm not going to scold you or lecture you…. I'm just worried…" he trailed off.

Logan frowned, "worried? About what?"

At that, Janus snapped, and he got up sharply, slamming his fists on the table in frustration, "about you, obviously!"

Logan jumped, looking up at Janus with wide eyes, "m-me? But I'm-"

"If you say fine I'm going to break something." Janus cut him off, "you can keep up the act all you want Logan, but I know something's wrong, and I can't help unless I know what it is."

Logan was silent for a long moment before saying, very quietly, "I appreciate the concern but, I'm really okay… no need for you to worry."

Janus buried his face in his hands, not like he didn't expect this, but still…

"Really? No need to worry? I can hardly recognize you! You don't talk to me anymore! And I don't know why! …did I do something to drive you away? I used to do that before I met you but… I worked on it… am I doing it again?" The last question was to himself more than to Logan. Is he reverting back to his toxic traits without realizing it?

"What? N-no, Janus you did nothing wrong I just…" Logan said immediately, trailing off with a sigh, "I… it's not something you can fix, Janus…"

Janus blinked, sitting back down and taking Logan's hand gently. Did Logan finally say something about what was bothering him the last few months? Finally?

He swallowed, "maybe not, but I can listen, what is it?" Janus said as gently as he could. He didn't want to push Logan but he also wanted to know very badly.

Logan was silent for a long moment, then Janus noticed his eyes getting shiny and wet behind his glasses and, before he realized what was happening, Logan was crying.

Janus hates when Logan cries, it's the worst sound in the world for him, the sound of sadness and misery coming from the person he loves so very deeply is… very upsetting.

He quickly gets up and pulls Logan up into his arms, hugging him tightly, letting Logan cling to him and sob into his shoulder.

"I-it's m-my dad…" Logan says between sobs and Janus' nails dig into Logan's back a bit unconsciously at the mention of that man.

Logan's homophobic dad that sent him to therapy sessions and had endless arguing with him after he came out. And, finally, ignoring him completely after he started dating guys.

"...what about him?" Janus tried his best to keep his voice even and not dripping with anger.

"He… he…" Logan sniffed, pulling back to look Janus in the eyes, "...he's dead, Janus… m-my father died…"

Janus' eyes widened in surprise, that… was not the answer he was expecting. But, the more Janus thought about it, the more Logan's behavior made sense. The missed calls, getting caught up at work, the meaningless small talk… he was…

"You were trying to keep yourself busy to distract yourself from thinking about it, didn't you?" Janus said softly, sitting them both back down but keeping one of Logan's hands in his so he could rub it soothingly.

Logan sniffed again, nodding, "I… I don't know how to feel about it… I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about it…" his voice was still rasp and shaky, but Janus nodded, listening intently. "We haven't been in contact for so long and suddenly I get a call from my sister that he's just… gone." Logan continued.

"What about…" Janus started but Logan finished the question for him.

"The funeral?" Logan let out an empty chuckle, "he wouldn't have wanted me there…" he said bitterly, "he said it himself… he doesn't have a son…"

Janus nodded again, for now not saying much and letting Logan say what he needs to say.

"But now… now he's dead, is it wrong to keep resenting him? Am I a bad person if I don't feel bad for a dead man? …should I feel bad? All I felt for my father was resentment, from even before I came out, even though that made him ten times worse, he never made an effort to understand me, he just wanted me to be the perfect copy of himself." Logan rambled on, it's nothing Janus hadn't heard before, though the death part was new.

"But… despite everything… Now that I think about it, I do feel a sense of loss…" Logan frowned, "I think a part of me kept hoping he'll 'come around'... that he'll attempt to make amends…" Logan took in a shaky breath, "now that he's gone… that hope is gone too… I'll never have the dad I wanted…"

Logan finished, looking up at Janus with damp eyes, "Janus… I'm truly sorry for the way I treated you, my father's death is not an excuse for me to push you away like that… the last thing I want is to hurt you."

Janus sighed, shaking his head and leaning closer to kiss Logan on the cheek, "it's okay, I'm glad you were able to talk to me about it eventually, even if there's nothing I can do to fix the problem, I'm always here to listen." He offered Logan a small smile, "no more walls between us, okay?"

Logan nodded, returning the smile, "it's a deal."

Janus then smirked as he thought of something, "but that doesn't mean you're off the hook." He said, which earned him Logan's adorably confused face. "You still have a lot of missed dates that you owe me." Janus grinned mischievously.

Logan's eyes widened slightly and he sighed, "this is going to cost me, isn't it?"

Janus finally gave Logan a deep and real kiss on the lips before pulling back to say, "that, my dearest, is a promise." He chuckled.

"Well, in that case, I better get started now." Logan smiled.

Janus raised an interested eyebrow, "oh? What do you have in mind?"

Logan got up and Janus followed, "you'll see, can't ruin the surprise, where's the fun in that?"

Janus laughed as they walked out of the apartment, "I'm starting to regret teaching you that."

"Teaching me what?" Logan asked curiously.

Janus smirked, "fun."

Logan snorted, "I was fun before I met you."

Janus chuckled, "sure you were, Teach."

Logan pushed him lightly, "you, sir, are the worst."

Janus took Logan's hand and placed a kiss on the back of it, "I love you too, Lo."

#sanders sides #logan sanders #ts janus sanders #romantic loceit #platonic dukeceit #tw homophobia #cw death mention #tw yelling #tw arguing #loceitweek2023 #day 4: conflict/resolution #Lily writes #cw innuendo

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naminethewriter · 5 months

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One's Hometown, One's New Home

Chapter Six: Complicated Families

Masterpost | First | Previous | Next | Ao3

@tss-anxceit-week

Summary: Janus’ hometown is a usually quiet place where everyone knows everyone. So when someone new moves in, they’re usually the hottest topic of local gossip. The newcomer then comes by the library Janus works at, he can’t help but chat with him a little. Doesn’t hurt that he’s good looking as well.

Content Warnings: Referenced Homophobia, Past Parental Death, References to the Foster System

~*~

“You sure you don’t want a glass?” Janus asked as he poured himself some wine. Virgil sat next to him on the couch and shook his head.

“No, thanks. Alcohol isn’t my thing in general. I’ll stick to water.”

“Suit yourself.” Janus leaned back and took a sip, taking a moment to enjoy it. Virgil shifted, a bit uncomfortable with the silence.

“My dad,” Janus began after he took a deep breath, “came to this town in his early twenties. He brought nothing but a single suitcase, his papers, and some money. He found work in an auto repair shop and quickly became a hot topic of the locals. He was kind, hard working and handsome, allegedly. The perfect bachelor. At least, according to what my mom’s told me. My grandma was always a lot more skeptical about him, but she rarely trusted outsiders.

“My mom had also turned twenty around that time. She was working as a waitress in a local diner. It wasn’t really that she needed the money but that she didn’t know what to do after school. She liked the idea of college but didn’t know what to major in and such. My grandparents hadn’t been much for travel, so my mom hadn’t seen much of the world, and she was curious. So, of course my dad as an outsider appealed to her.”

Virgil listened intently to Janus’ story while fiddling with the edge of a blanket.

“They got to talking a lot when my dad came into the diner for meals. She asked him about where he’s been and he’d in turn ask her about the local places and legends. It naturally progressed with them starting to date and eventually getting married.” Janus paused, taking another sip of his wine.

“But that’s not all?” Virgil prompted quietly.

“Well, a lot of the rest is speculation, both of my mother’s and my own. Dad didn’t like talking about what exactly happened before he moved here or his family. But a fact is that he wasn’t heterosexual. Actually, very early on into him dating my mom he broke out into tears and told her that he never thought that he could fall in love with a woman.”

Suddenly, Virgil had a bad feeling about where this story was going.

“Mom never minded it, of course. She knew dad loved her with all his heart. But it made her question his reasons for coming here all the more. Dad never outright said it, but mom’s pretty sure he came from a rather wealthy, old-fashioned, and conservative family that kicked him out when they found out about his sexuality. He probably had a boyfriend he left behind. Or maybe they broke up, we don’t know. Mom wrote down what little information he told her and connected the pieces from there.”

After Janus finished his story, they were both quiet for a while. For a second time that evening, Virgil didn’t know how to respond.

“That really sucks,” he finally said. It startled a laugh out of Janus at least.

“Yeah. He probably would have told us at some point if the accident hadn’t happened. I do know his hometown and his former last name, so I could look some things up if I wanted to, but… so far I haven’t dared.”

“I can understand that. It’s the same with me in a way.”

Janus looked at him and cocked his head. A silent offer to continue or change the topic, either way, he wasn’t going to push, and Virgil was grateful for it.

“You’re right, I wasn’t always a werewolf. I—” He paused, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I’m an orphan, actually. I don’t know what happened to my parents, if they died or if they didn’t want me or what. Never had the courage to ask or look it up. I’ve been in the foster system for as long as I can remember. I developed an anxiety disorder very early on and that made my chances at adoption slim.”

Janus put away his glass and offered his hands to Virgil in silent support. He hesitated for a moment but took them and squeezed them gently.

“I switched between foster families every few years until I was twelve. Then I was taken in by a lesbian couple that more or less specialized in older children with neurodivergences. They didn’t do adoptions, but they were very supportive of me and the others they took in. I stayed with them until I aged out and they helped me find an apartment that I could afford. If it hadn’t been for them, I probably wouldn't have finished school. I didn’t want to go to college, so I got two shitty paying jobs and just did the best to keep myself afloat. I wasn’t really living as much as surviving.

“Then one day I was on my way home from work. It was dark and cold and I just wanted to go back as quickly as possible, so I took a few shortcuts. I didn’t live in the most secure neighborhood, so I carried a pocketknife with me, just in case. I was passing through an alley when I suddenly heard some growling. I just thought it was a dog or something and continued but then a wolf rounded the corner and barreled into me. I panicked. Managed to get my knife out and just stabbed. I hit it in the shoulder, and it wasn’t happy about it. Bit me in retaliation and I passed out.”

Janus held his hands a bit tighter, and Virgil remembered to breathe. The memory alone could still make him panic a little.

“When I woke up, I was in an apartment I didn’t know. A woman was watching over me and started fussing as soon as I moved. It took me a bit to understand what was happening, but she explained that she was the wolf that attacked me and that she hadn’t meant to. Apparently, there was a territorial dispute, and she was on the run from another pack. I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and her instincts kinda took over, especially when I stabbed her. She turned me without meaning to.”

“So, that was how you became a wolf?”

Virgil nodded. “Yeah. She introduced herself as Mary Lee. She was a college student and also still a relatively new werewolf. Then she introduced me to the rest of her pack, also all students. Her boyfriend Lee was the leader of the pack and a born wolf, as well as the one who had turned Mary Lee. They were all super apologetic towards me and reassured me that they would do their best to take care of me and help me learn about my new self.” He smiled at the fond memory.

“They kept their word, and the next few years were the happiest I had so far. It felt like I finally had a family. It wasn’t perfect of course but I didn’t mind. But the thing about college is that eventually, you graduate. And that means change.

“Lee and Mary Lee had plans and places to be. New York City to be exact. The other members of the pack also went off to pursue whatever they wanted. I didn’t really have anything like that. Lee and Mary Lee offered me to come along, they both saw me as their little brother at that point. And I really considered it. I loved living with them, but I also felt like I would be intruding. Not that I wanted to tell them that, but Mary Lee knew me and got me to talk eventually.

“She again told me that I wouldn’t, that they both would love for me to be there but that she doubted that I truly wanted to come along. ‘You’re just not built for the city life and that’s okay,’ she said. And it’s true, I hate cities. Even where we lived was almost too much for me. So she told me to go and find my own path and if it ever got too hard, she and Lee would welcome me with open arms.”

“They sound like amazing people.”

“They are,” Virgil smiled sadly. “And I really miss them, but we’re keeping in touch. They promised they’d come visit me as soon as they had the time, and I was truly settled in.”

“Thank you for telling me, Virgil,” Janus said earnestly and again squeezed his hands.

“It felt good to talk about it actually,” Virgil laughed. “I was kind of avoiding thinking about how much I miss them.”

“Yeah, I know the feeling.”

They looked at each other, both mourning the loss of their families but happy to find solace in each other.

“Hey, Virgil?” Janus asked quietly after a while.

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

It felt like they were both still teens and not in their late twenties, but Virgil didn’t mind.

“Please.”

Their lips connected softly, and he thought, maybe he really could find a new home here.

Janus certainly made him feel like he belonged.

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