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imaginarylungfish · 6 months

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i need to remember i am sensitive and things will hurt. avoiding the hurt is useless. it's inevitable. so rather than using all my energy to avoid it, i can accept and let the hurt happen. i can let myself hurt. i can feel my pain. i will be okay.

#actually autistic #highly sensitive person #highly sensitive #autism #autistic #high functioning autistic #actually neurodivergent #feeling #acceptance

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purlturtle · 1 year

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Why "You're not HSP, you're autistic!" isn't helpful but actually counterproductive

So first, let me explain my background on this:

I'm a social worker. Communication is my daily tool, especially with people in crisis

I identify as HSP but not as autistic. I have reasons for that.

I'm also a lesbian, and have been active in the queer community for literal decades. This includes discussion about labels, self-identification, labels based in discriminatory thinking, etc.

lastly, I'm acutely aware of intersectionality, internalized biases, and where they can lead us

Next, let me outline who this post is for:

anyone who is convinced of the above sentence (and wants to convince others too)

anyone who is uncertain which label applies to them, but feels like it might be one of the two

anyone who knows they are one or both of the above labels and wants to communicate with others.

I'll put my arguments under the Readmore, so as not to clutter up people's dashes; this is gonna get long. In essence, they boil down to:

You-messages like the above very rarely work.

telling someone their own identity typically doesn't work.

a researcher's ableism doesn't necessarily mean their whole entire body of work needs to be thrown out.

HSP and autism have several overlapping criteria, however that does not mean that HSP equals autism.

Lastly, let me tell you why it's important:

we all, no matter how we label ourselves, seek for tools (self help, therapy, apps, etc.) that will improve our lives. Some of the tools from the Autism Toolbox will work for me, some from the ADHD Toolbox too - but not all of them.

currently, there is another toolbox labeled HSP, and the tools in there are perfect for me. I only found them because I found the label HSP; I did not find them in the Autism or ADHD Toolbox. Maybe one day these toolboxes will be integrated into one, maybe under the autism label, who knows. But RIGHT NOW they are not. Right now, they are labeled HSP or SPS, and those are the terms I needed to search for to find them - no matter that the terms might be badly chose

"you're not HSP, you're autistic" denies that this HSP Toolbox even exists, and so people will not find all the tools that can make their life better.

Okay, here's the long form of my arguments.

You-messages like the above very rarely work.

Most people's gut reaction to being told "You are not X, you're actually Y!" is "who are you to tell me what I am?" or "who are you to tell me that my conclusion is wrong?" Such a reaction is, as stated, not helpful, and usually counterproductive. It puts the person being told "You're Y" on the defensive, and people don't change their mind when they feel defensive.

If you are truly convinced that this person is autistic, it is far more helpful to put this in an I-message, and temper it with a potentiality: "I think/it seems to me, from what you describe, that you could be autistic." And then to follow this up with, for example, a question like "have you ever considered that?" so that they can explain if, perhaps, they have already looked into that, or tell you that no, they haven't, what's your reasoning?

They might still react defensively due to their own ableism against being potentially autistic. But they can tell themselves "okay, that was just this person's opinion, I don't have to listen to them," which is actually a much less conflict-ridden outcome.

telling someone their own identity typically doesn't work.

Let's look at another way of telling someone their own identity: "You're not a gender non-conforming cis woman, you're actually trans!" - how do you, an internet stranger, know? All you have is a few sentences that someone posted somewhere; they, meanwhile, know their own lived reality 24/7 of however many years they've lived with it. Again, this kind of communication leads to defensiveness.

Even if it's true - and that's an important thing to keep in mind.

This person might be trans. That person might be autistic. But unless and until they are ready to hear that, to think about that as a possibility, to test apply that label to themselves and see if it fits? You telling them will do jack shit. Especially in a confrontative You-message. It might even lead to them taking longer to embrace that part of their own identity; out of spite ("just because some random internet stranger said I was doesn't mean I am"), out of fear ("I don't want people to know this about me; am I that easy to clock?"), of out internalized bias against the identity ("I can't possibly be this!").

a researcher's ableism doesn't necessarily mean their whole entire body of work needs to be thrown out.

I see the ableism in Aron's work. And in that of other researchers. Bias against autism is unfortunately still rampant, even in psychology, even in neurosciences. And I understand the pain of seeing that, of being belittled, dismissed, being made invisible. And I further understand the gut reaction to not want to have anything to do with a person who is like that, who does that.

That is not, however, how science works. Science needs to take an objective look at what is presented, check it for biases (among other things), and if found, check whether those biases truly invalidate the entire body of work, or parts of it, and then throw those out and also check if sense can be made of the data/findings without those biases.

That is what further research and peer review is all about, and that is being done right now. This has been the case throughout medical history, as well as all other sciences. Heck, for the longest time (including even today), one form of autism was named after a fucking Nazi ramp doctor.

Again, I know the pain that bias in science can cause. I've been at the receiving end, I know plenty of people who have been on the receiving end, I see your pain. I understand wanting to be seen, not dismissed. I understand wanting to lash out.

However, when you do so by telling people "you're not HSP, you're actually autistic", the only people that you hurt are the ones who are seeking help, who are vulnerable and in pain themselves. It wasn't all that long ago that especially girls and women (or people perceived as such by parents, teachers, doctors) were told "You're not autistic; girls can't be autistic." It hurt them. It denied them access to help that they sorely needed. Don't perpetuate that, please - even if you are truly convinced that this person is, in fact, autistic: please refer to the above two bullet points to understand why telling them in that way won't help.

HSP and autism have several overlapping criteria

and it is possible to be both, it is possible to identify first as one, then the other, and it is possibly to mistakingly think you're one when you're actually the other. However that does not mean that HSP equals autism in every single case - not according to current psychological and neurological knowledge.

I score well below the threshold for every single autism test. Like, it's not even close. Even the ones that test for typically-overlooked autism criteria, even the ones that test for how autism presents in women, all of them. The experiences that autistic people describe, of studying social interactions until they can mimic them perfectly, know what to say and how to react because they've seen other people do so and can replicate that - none of that is me. By all criteria known to current science, I am not autistic.

I have, however, undeniably a high sensitivity to external input, sensory processing sensitivity, funnel not filter, high-wired brain, however you want to name it. I don't care what it's called; all I care about is that I understand how I work, how my brain works, so that I can finally get the bottom back under my feet. That is why I was trying to see if I'm autistic: because that would have helped me make sense of what is going on, of how I feel wrong all the time; and it would have enabled me to seek out therapy that was actually helpful. I would not have minded an autism diagnosis; I would have welcomed it, precisely because of that.

And it was never the right fit. And god, how that frustrated me. And I know you know that feeling, of looking at this box and that label and this study and that doctor, and they all tell you "no, this isn't you, not precisely." And you know that you don't fit in with society, that you're different than other people, who seem to fit in so easily, who go through life so blithely when you simply can't, and you just wanna know why that is and how to change it, how to make things so that you can go through life blithely too.

The overlap between HSP and autism is large.

And maybe, further down the line and the years, science will come up with a concept that combines autism and HSP or SPS or whatever they call it currently. And when that time comes, I'll embrace that concept just like I'm embracing HSP as a concept right now, just like I would have embraced an autism diagnosis. But until that happens, we need to keep both of these labels, diagnoses, whatever you want to call them, open and available for people.

Because while the overlap is large (just like autism and ADHD have some overlap), it isn't a circle; it's a Venn diagram with some communal and some separate aspects. And I fall into the pool that isn't overlapping with autism. Others don't. Squares and rhombuses can coexist, and so can autistic people and highly sensitive people; I'm 100% convinced that plenty of accommodations, tools, helpful tricks work for us both.

But some of them are not fully the right fit, and that is important. In the end, that is what this is about, and why we need both terms, both concepts, and why conflating them isn't helpful: the people who fall under any of these diagnoses need to find the correct help, the correct tools for living their lives in the best way possible. The way I need to arrange my life, the strategies I need to develop and the accommodations I need to implement, have lots in common with what an autistic person might need - lots, but not everything. Just like different autistic people will need different things. And people with ADHD need different things (and also some of the same things). But when you point me only to the Autism Toolbox, I will not find everything I need, just like an ADHD person won't. And that makes my life harder than it needs to be.

Currently, I find the tools that I need in a box labeled HSP. I don't care if they stay in there, if the box gets relabeled, if it gets integrated into the autism toolbox. All I care about is that I have access to them, that other people who need the same tools have access to them. I have started to work with an HSP coach, who I found because I found the label HSP, and when I tell you that my life has massively improved since then, I want you to hear that.

When you say "you're not HSP, you're actually autistic," one of the things you're doing is you deny people access to the tools they need.

And I won't stand for that.

#hsp #highly sensitive #highly sensitive person #autism #overlap between autism and hsp #ableism in hsp

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trashandwriting · 2 years

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On real hypersensitivity

People don't realize being hypersensitive is not exactly about "this place is too loud" or "that's too much at once". That's just the simplified version of what happens.

It's about standing in a public place and a band is playing and you have to listen to the band since you can't just close your ears and you also notice how there is a group of three older man who seem to be lost and that mother with her child who dropped her plushie while her husband asks of she wants to go eat icecream and the woman next to you is ordering a coffee and several people are dancing and your mom is standing next to you and asks you a question, and you think about that question while you think simultaneously about if you should pick up that child's plushie or tell the men that this is not the place they were looking for and also how you wanted to go to the new coffee shop across the street, while you also have to lead the way and think about what bus to take. This, every second standing there, with hardly a pause. And there is NO WAY to block out any of this.

That's the whole point of hypersensitivity. All of this is getting in your head at once and that's just too much for a longer time. In an hour, you will probably still remember the colours of that three old men's t shirts. It's too much not because we are weak, but because we have no filter in our brains.

#hypersensitivity #hsp #hsp problems #hyper sensitive person #hyper sensitive people #hypersensible #highly sensitive person #highly sensitive people #highly sensitive

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littlewomenpodcast · 4 months

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Why Anne Of Green Gables Is Beloved By Highly Sensitive People

youtube

HSP or a highly sensitive person has become a more well-known term globally in the past years. A couple of years ago when I came to the realization that I myself was a highly sensitive person I started to pay notice to other highly sensitive characters in literature, movies, pop culture, and of course, real life. Perhaps the most well-known highly sensitive person in the world´s literature is Lucy Maud Montgomery´s Anne of Green Gables.

#anne of green gables #hsp #anne shirley #highly sensitive #highly sensitive person #highly sensitive people #Youtube

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rachymarie · 9 days

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Fellow autistics or sensitive skin babez please I need to know (buckle up this gon' be a long one):

Have you found that your skin has gotten more intolerant as you age or have I just been masking how in pain i am for like the majority of my life out in public wearing normal people clothes??

I just had to go out grocery shopping etc with stockings on under my (what would have otherwise been super comfy) sweat shorts (the blue Pantone ones from Boohoo, oh how I love them) bc I hadn't shaved in a few weeks and didnt want to put the public eye thru that lol (idc what other people want to do with their body hair, just do what makes you feel happy but I admit I just can't fully shed the social conditioning I grew up with to keep my own legs and pits hairless if they're gonna be on show) - and it was somewhat excruciatingly itchy at first and I don't think it truly died down, but with all the distractions of shopping etc I did kinda get used to/forget about it a little. But as soon as I got home at the soonest possible moment I changed back into pjs, one of the only type of clothing my skin can handle anymore.

So yeah I've either lived a whole life in pain/discomfort, spending a lot of energy and distractions masking it until I was used to feeling horrible all the time (I used to wear predominantly tight clothes for a large portion of my life), or my skin has gotten less tolerant as I suspect.

Or do we just grow less apt at masking our discomfort as we age?

Younger autistics please bear in mind - and I'm not really even THAT old yet but I am a decade+ older than teenage years now - well, when I was growing up I feel like it generally wasn't "cool" to be autistic?? Or any kind of neurodivergent, unless you count emos bc a lot of us were depressed and it was made a cool thing but i feel like people weren't getting disagnosed/the help we needed, instead self-harm was trendy etc, it was kinda problematic af. and I feel like most of us went undiagnosed (for a lot of issues, actually), especially women and other afab. And now we're just trying to get our struggles recognized/a name for our struggles and failure to be "normal" all these years, and maybe even some bloody help for it, rather than being told we don't matter bc we're "over the hill" now or something and only kids struggle with autism? Lol

Do any kiwis have affordable suggestions for pants I can buy that don't look like pyjamas? If I could cut damn Polyester and the likes out of my life for pure fabrics I would in a heartbeat, but it's not so easy.

The best pants I ever wore were my first pair of Peter Alexander (summer) pj pants - which I still have and are still intact, but can barely fit - back before the brand's quality went to complete shit (granted I have a few pieces that are great, but it's really hit and miss if you will actually get what you bought in one piece/without defects. I finally decided it's not worth it to buy Peter Alexander anywhere near full price. They're good with refunds but the quality control is like worse than Shein/Temu).

Those pants were 100% cotton and idk how they did it but they were like heaven in a fabric and I wished I could just wear them everywhere. Honestly felt like the first time I wasn't in any pain or discomfort at all wearing bottoms.*

Apologies this turned into a ramble with several tangents (even a brand review) but maybe it resonates with someone out there and hopefully it brings me some answers in time

Thanks for reading if you got this far <3 now I'd better tag some trigger warnings etc and then it's time to finally nap, feeling sick again after all the activity

*ok so as this ramble developed, it sparked a tangent ramble (rambleception), and another ramble on top of that, which I felt needed to be their own posts. Will link them below once posted:

[Tangent ramble 1] [Tangent ramble 2]

Scratch that I have since decluttered all the subsequent/tangent rambles as I was not well (may edit down and repost or something)

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ascendedunicorn · 4 months

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Make sure you're recharging and taking care of yourself 💜

#spirituality #spiritual journey #highly sensitive #self care #self love #ascended unicorn

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loveandthepsyche · 1 year

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Remember, one who enjoys more is bound to suffer more because he becomes very sensitive. But suffering is not bad. If you understand it rightly, suffering is a cleansing.

~ OSHO

#eclipse #scorpio vibes #let go #osho #heartbreak #sensitivity #highly sensitive #release #shine #cleansing

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artists-ache · 6 months

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My microchap is out today with Maverick Duck Press. I won’t spoil it, but here’s a bit of the blurb:

“Raw and unflinching, these poems tell the truth of grief and tragedy as McCoy sees it—no padding or sugar-coating will be found here. Instead, you’ll find all the realities of the secondhand sorrow and vicarious hurt that can come from hearing of tragedies in the news, from a friend, in an overheard conversation—anywhere, really.

If you’ve ever found yourself locked in combat with the world, wondering if things really are as dark as they seem, or been heartbroken by the things other people seem to merely gloss over, then pull up a chair and breathe deep: this chapbook is for you.”

It’s available for free at the link below.

#chapbook #poetry #poems #writing #grief #distress #depression #modernity #coping #healing #empathy #emotional sensitivity #sensitivity #hsp #highly sensitive #infj #small press #mental illness #death

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amazinganglosaxonculture · 6 months

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How to heal feminine sexuality with herbs

The herb Hibiscus. According to the Flower Essence Society (FES), red Hibiscus (Hibiscus moscheutos) embodies the qualities of soul warmth and bodily passion. They write that “One of the most tragic assaults to the soul dignity of women is the exploitation and commercialization of female sexuality. This deeply wounds the souls of many women so that they no longer feel a warm connection to their…