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coridallasmultipass · 8 days

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Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk

So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.

I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.

I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.

But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)

Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)

And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.

I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)

It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.

I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.

Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.

((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))

I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)

Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)

Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.

And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)

Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.

And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.

I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.

I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.

#dont read if u think im cool #id rather stay cool lol #long post #delete later / /#(in case i change my mind or wanna edit)#Cori.exe #Post.exe #man i talk a lot #shouldve spent this time writing fics instead but i rly needed to talk (type) this out since i dont wanna bring it up in therapy again yet #anyway lmao there we go #rly excited for the fic tho. besides the stuff i mentioned i also took this popular trope and #wait #why am i spoiling it im not gonna convince anyone who read this post lol youll just have to wait for the hot platonic smmmmmut #and hilarious storytelling by one char #and then (still a wip) round 2 #bc no fic is complete until theres a round 2. imo.#((yes i know i have a different round 2 thats over a month late past when i was gonna post it lol i havent forgotten))#here we go writing an essay in the tags now too lmao #ok i need a break for my eyes and then im gonna try to write the platonic one more #hhhh anxious tht my reputation will tank from posting this. idk how i or my 2 followers will survive th consequent backlash and cancellation #(joke)#(still anxious tho)#(i have diagnosed chronic anxiety lol)#eager to know what id be cancelled from tho. maybe my puppetfuckinglicense gets revoked.#maybe my shrimp get taken into protective custody #shrustody #sorry i dont mean to make light of legit cancellations im just trying to convince myself its okay to post on my own blog #good fucking luck catching all those shrimp tho i dont even know how many i have. they control their own population at this point.#they probably have their own system of... shrovernment #Prime Shrimpister Isosceles rules with an iron swimerette i wouldnt wanna interfere with that sovereign nation

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be-good-to-bugs · 1 month

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AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

#the bin #i hate knowing why i feel so bad and not being able to do anything about it #im scared that ill never ever feel better. its been so long since i felt ok. im worried that ill make friends and still feel horrible all #the time and it wont matter. i cant keep doing this. im so tired of being all alone. im so tired of the constant inescapable dread #im going to figure something out. in a month ill be moved and i can start figuring everything out then #i hate not being able to focus on anything besides how bad i feel. i cant enjoy anything. theres so many shows i wanna watch but i cant #because im so distracted by this. theres so much manga i wanna read and i cant.#literally the ONLY thing that has been able to make me temporarily forget this for any amount of time is dungeon meshi #its so fucking good and it sparks so much joy that it does help but not enough. i get sad again really fast.#well. im trying really hard to manage my stress. i did the math on how much i should be getting. i know that i will have rent at least.#there are 2 weeks that i dont know what my hours will be but assuming i get 13 hours at least then i should have an ok amount for #moving. its possible theyll be worse and its possible theyll be better. im really hoping theyre better. my hours have been SO BAD recently #i dont know why. i know im not bad at my job or anything. i sont think my manager dislikes me either. he does this whenever someone #hasnt been feeling well and hell do it for a couple weeks and i think its him trying to be considerate but i have bills to pay man #technically there is a shift i could pickup but the store has a drive thru so im nervous to bc idk how that works and if im asked to do that #then ill have no idea so ive been avoiding taking any shifts like that #hopefully enough will pop up in the coming weeks and i can get some more hours. i know i can cover moving vehicle cost but idk how much #gas is gonna be so im suuuuper worried abt that. hhhh. hopefully my sister and her boyfriend can get me back the $300 they owe too #honestly idk how they werent able to afford rent but immediately after they were able to afford a 40 hour roadtrip and yimw off work #whatever. it doenst matter.#i wish i could deal with the other stuff messing me up rn but i cant fix the loneliness thing without not being alone and i cant fix that #it doesnt matter how much i tell myself ill make friends eventually or if i believe it or not. i feel bad because ive gone way too long #not hanging out with anyone and my brain cant handle it.#im gonna see if maybe i can play a game with my sister soon. or maybe i couod play smth with my younger sister even #i pkayed roblox with her for a little while. maybe she would want to again. i miss her :(

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axolot-of-ideas · 2 years

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god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit god damnit

im going to lose it-

another artist and another allegation

this is what i mean about controversy

im always going to feel at least a little bad listening now

its been less than a day apparently though

and i can only hope-

i want to fucking lie in a hole and die

i just want to enjoy and let people enjoy without guilt but the world is awful and mean and despite what i wish people are worse

#im literally not tagging this as who it is because i want people to enjoy and not have something ruined for them #if it gets big enough where they find out then alright #but im not ruining something for someone #i am so tired of everything-#tw vent #ig #please fucking god dont look at these tags im just venting more #god damnit #and im thinking of my opinions on prosh*p again- they’re not bad but i just don’t understand why they’re hated #why cant you let people enjoy? or vent? they dont have to justify from you and as long as they’re tagging so you dont have to see it and #arent purposely hurting anyone then whats your problem #its just dead dove do not eat- im personally not one but im not an anti either- its just-#i feel bad looking at some peoples blogs now because of their dni that include them yknow #same issue with the me and dnis for e*dos- like we’re probably not but we thought we were and consider ourselves mixed- just hhhh #hhhhh gods im going to regret saying that stuff without redacted- but fucking christ im just upset and tired #like i also know that dnis are valid and if you dont want people to interact with something because of personal reasons thats fine #and you dont have to explain yourself but just- fuck- im human! im allowed to be upset just hhhhhhh #im not going to force someone with those dnis to change them or try to convince them to not- but i also wont not feel bad- and thats just #how it is- but i will be upset because again human and im allowed to-#fucking hell im so tired #pls dont mention what i said with the en*o stuff- we’re figuring stuff out and not comfortable sharing that openly #but its whatever #because the people who do read my tags or at least that far already know

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marinaiguess · 1 year

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wholesome wednesday :)

This was supposed to be smaller but...oh well. Have fun with a wholesome brothers moment I came up with today, set after the events of sonic riders zero gravity. i wanted to share this only on the discord server im in, but it’s too long to send it hhhh. so, i hope you enjoy :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mornin’ buddy.” he jumps a little at the greeting, ears still sensitive from their last adventure. Maybe from the lack of sleep as well.

“Good morning, Sonic.” he replies, mentally slapping himself. His voice sounded way too coarse, even coarser than Sonic’s, and now he is certain he is going to get lectured very soon. Despite that, he continues his work, trying to cover up for the slip up by not letting his brother see his face and - potentially - the dark bags under his eyes. Maybe if he acts like nothing is wrong, Sonic won’t suspect a thing and-

“Tails?” he doesn’t flinch, even though it felt like Sonic was on the verge of interrogating him. Instead, he minds his own business.

“Yeah?”

“Miles.” A hand on his shoulder and the sound of his birth name in that strict tone, urge him to turn around on his chair as he lets out a long sigh. Tools still in his hands and ears hanging low, Tails suddenly finds interest in the tiles of the workshop’s floor.

Sonic bends down in an attempt to hold Tails’ gaze, not letting go of the fox just yet. He tilts his head as he tries to get his attention, but his little bro looks the other way, still actively avoiding him. Sonic scoffs at that, impressed by the youngster’s stubborness.

“Hey, don’t act like looking away can hide your puffy eyes from me.” Sonic resists the urge to roll his eyes as he states the obvious. Yet, that seems like this is enough for Tails to look back at him, though hesitantly, because he knows without a shadow of doubt that there is no chance of escaping getting scolded.

A pair of emerald eyes pierce through him and Tails feels uneasy (and a little disappointed in himself) as soon as he watches Sonic’s serious expression morph into a concerned one. “Why didn’t you sleep?”

Tails brings one tail closer to him, fidgeting with its tip the best he can while not letting the tools out of his grasp. “Who said I didn’t sleep? I-i just got up early because I needed to work on this new prorject of mine that-”

“Tails.” Sonic cocks an eyebrow, voice dangerously calm; it feels like a warning. “How about you try that again? This time no lying though?”

“I was working on something a-and-”

“Tails,” Sonic interrupts his stuttering in a sing-song voice “I think I said no lying?”

Tails grumbles and crosses his arms. He hates it when Sonic can tell that he islying when he can get away with it all the time!

Sonic doesn’t know for how long he has to be mad at him, but it’s becoming increasingly harder to keep a straight face when his little bro is pouting in front of him. Aww he’s so cute.

Still impressed by his persistence (and refusing to let him see a smile slip up while he was getting scolded) , Sonic gets up and lets him go. He knows he won’t get an answer this way so he decides to take a look at what Tails had been tinkering with.

A yellow extreme gear lies atop of the workbench, alongside many blueprints and scattered tools.

Sonic inspects it for a few seconds, it seems like nothing has changed since the last time he took a look at it; since yesterday’s events. And usually, when Tails tries to improve his inventions, he makes sure to make it evident that there has been a change made. Right now? Nothing has changed.

“So, you’ve been working on your extreme gear?” he takes a shot again, hoping he will get an answer this time.

Tails turns around, facing him. “Yeah!”

Sonic couldn’t help but notice the uncertainty in his voice. “And, I guess you could show me what exactly took you all night to figure out?”

He got a wince as a reply. And a fox who appeared to be shinking on his seat the more he kept this conversation going.

“So, nothing new then.” He traces his fingertips across the smooth metallic surface of the gear. Their only weapons against yesterday’s adventure.

His eyes widen in realization.

“Tails, buddy...” he trails off as he allows his face to soften, approaching his brother who is having a hard time comprehending the sudden change in demanour from the other person in the room. “You could’ve told me.”

“Tell you what?” he counters, confusion prevalent on his features while carefully spectating Sonic who had stopped a few inches away from him.

“Yesterday was tough for you-”

“What do you mean?” he almost sounded offended and Sonic could only wince at that. So, he bent forward, both hands on his buddy’s shoulders as he continued.

“Alright, yesterday was tough for all of us.” he admitted, images of flying into outer space occupying his mind. “So, you have every right to feel scared, it wasn’t easy-

“I’m not scared!” Tails leans forward, holding Sonic’s gaze as he tries to persuade him. As he tries to persuade himself. Sonic needs a useful and fearless ally by his side, not a whiny and scared little child who backs down at the dangers that come his way. Even though he proved to be the opposite of that yesterday, he still was afraid and the aftermath of the fight wasn’t the best for him.

Sonic steps back, arms wide open on his sides as he tries to reason with the genius in front of him, “Dude, it was a black hole! The whole world was gonna be blown to pieces, of course you were scared.” A beat of silence and Sonic quickly makes use of Tails’ refusal to speak. “We had to fight a giant mutated robot too, all that while a thunderstorm was happening.”

Tails’ eyes lit up with fear, the reminder of the thunderstorm making his fur stand on edge.

Sonic wants to get closer to him once again but decides against it, as another idea pops up in his mind. “Hey, listen to me.” he says as he bends down to his eye level. “I’m proud of you. And you are the bravest person I know. You didn’t let your fears stop you from saving the world and that’s one of the coolest things you’ve ever done! I wish I were as cool as you, kicking ass while trying not to drown.” Tails snorts at that and as a result, Sonic’s smile brightens up. “Metaphorically and literally. But you need to give yourself some credit. You did great out there.”

“You...you mean it?”

“Of course I mean it!” he stands straight, hands planted on his hips, “And you deserve to let yourself get scared. Just remember that you have friends who will try their best to help you out with that.”

Tails smiles for the first time today and Sonic considers that a win.

“Come’ ere.” Sonic opens up his arms, an invitation which Tails can do nothing but accept. He bumps head first into his chest as he circles his arms around his waist, grip as strong as the hammer that was long gone from his hands, just like the other tools on his chair. Sonic makes sure to return the gesture, tightening his hug as much as he can, head on top of the yellow bangs he usually likes to ruffle.

He can feel Tails’ smile grow wider on his chest and it makes him happier by the second. He closes his eyes to embrace this moment. Before making the both of them sit on the floor, a fox snuggled up in his arms, looking as little and vulnerable as he was a long time ago, Sonic makes sure to kiss his forehead softly.

And he does the same again as he sits against the counter of the workbench, with a fast asleep Tails inside the safety of his hug.

#mutuals and friends! hope this makes your day better!#theyre brothers your honor #and i adore them #sonic and tails #sonic the hedgehog #sth #miles tails prower #sth fanfic #sonic fanfiction #sonic riders zero gravity #unbreakable bond #wholesome sonic and tails wednesday

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slutty-transformation-stories · 6 months

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Corrupt Girlfriend part 6

Day 5

You wake up and look around for Ashley. You find her on her phone again.

you know your girlfriend is a whore, you're excited to check the cameras you installed to see what else she does when your gone.

So you excitedly get ready for work kiss her good bye and then leave for work.

A while later you get a text

Hey babe, Im going to be busy for a couple of hours, so I won't be able to talk!

Damn, that's alright. I'll talk to you when I get home then!

Thank you for understanding i miss you!

I think it's time to check the cameras you smirk to yourself and make your way to the office toilets.

You open up the cameras on your phone and check the front door. You See a Man Enter your home.

You think he is her ex from that video,

Your girlfriend is in that dress you just got a picture of.

You check the bedroom camera

They are half undressed laying on your bed

She grabs hold of his cock and slowly starts stroking him

Shes treating him like royalty

She voluntarily moves down, kissing his tone body

Her head reaches to the level of his cock

She starts licking the head

Its not long until you watch her head start bobbing partly down his thick cock

She keeps going at at a perfect pace you can see her looking up for his reaction

You see, her ex starts to jerk his pelvis, slightly humping her mouth

Finally..

Shes not satisfied yet

He never seems to never lose an erection

She climbs on top of him

To get what she really wanted

never wearing a condom

She Makes his cock hit every place she wanted

He starts to help by thrusting into her as she grinds on him

You see her in extacy

They pick up the pace, yet again, he wraps his arm around her leg

Hes playing with her clit and penetrating her pussy roughly.

Shes Screeming But you can't hear any of it

She then starts to go crazy

shes cumming and shaking on him

She is stuck in an orgasm state for what she feels for over a minute until she falls over onto the bed, shivering.

You decide to finish work early, and you race home. Upon arrival.You Hear Loud Moaning From the bedroom.

"Muffled Crying*"

*muffled Speaking*

"YES YES YES, UGhhh,"

You slowly sneak up the stairs, making your way to your bedroom. You hear her crying from the doorway

"Oh my god, oh my god!"

"Who owns you?"

*smack*

"MmM, you do! You are the best! HMmmm"

You look through the crack in the door

Hes still fucking her like he did all day

Your girlfriend looks like shes in love. Her pussy is coated and filled with the cum he has shot in her all day

"OH god, im all yours, but I need you to hurry. My boyfriend is coming home soon."

"pft what a lucky man"

She turns around

"He is.. but so are you fuck me before its too late"

He wastes no time

He's pounding into her

Her cum fluid mix is dripping out of her pussy

"OH god, UHgh,"

"OH god, im cuming"

"Im not done."

He puts her on top of himself for one last fuck. Shes a whore..

"OH god, I love it. You're so good. Hhhh,"

"Im filling you up now!"

"Thank you so much, sir."

"Okay, let's go"

He exits the room first

"Hey man"

He bumps your shoulder and leaves

You look back for your girlfriend. although she knows your kinks. She has a slightly guilty look on her face.

"Hey baby.. I've been bad."

She starts to reveal what she has been doing all day

"Sorry, I got a little carried away."

"No its okay, I saw it all"

"We didn't have sex very long, but it was really good."

Why is she lying?

"No its okay but I think i need a turn now"

"Ugh, sorry, I'm all stretched out and in pain."

She gives you a smirk

"Why dont I tell you about the plans we have for tomorrow! I'll even help you with your problem."

"Yes ma'am"

She starts to stroke your cock over her cum filled panties

"Well.. as he was fucking me he told me That He showed my photos to his friend."

The thought of this stanger interested in your girlfriend excites you

Shes playing with you cock

"Oh, interesting.."

"I know, his friend wants to meet me. Im sure hes interested."

"Definitely."

"Luckily, my ex offered to introduce me"

She starts stroking you faster

She wispers in your ear

"Wouldnt that be fun baby"

You start to orgasm

She watches your cock trobbing against her underwear

She giggles

"I think thats a yes!"

You both clean up and then lay down to go to sleep

#corruption #dumb thicc #phat ass white girl #dumbification #bimboification #brainwashed #mind conditioning #cheating sex #bimbo doll #cheating woman

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redyrmes · 1 month

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hhhh thinking about my silly headcanons about how hc!Phil met hc!Mumza. quite a long post so be warned ig haha

in my head, Mumza (whos the goddess of death in hc yesyes) has this little like, colosseum, in a dimension seperate from the mortal realm. i call it the In-Between. people show up in the colosseum when they die and Mumza greets them, she takes the mortal down the path of the colosseum, to a little porch at the end, where an old metal bench sits…the view from the porch is just nothingness for as far infinity reaches. they’ll sit down on the bench, and the mortal will tell the goddess the story of their life. when they finish, its like. the final closure. they are finally ready to move on from existence, theyll walk back inside the colosseum, and when Mumza goes back in, they’re gone. theyve moved on:) this is a natural process, it happens with everyone who dies, the mortals kinda just know what to do.

and the In-Between is a home of sorts to her, but she goes to the mortal realm a lot because the In-Between is quite lonely, she doesnt get guests very often. its adorned with trinkets and bits and bobs that she took from the mortal realm because she thought they were pretty hehe, namely the walls are covered in these huge black roses or flowers of some sort. and they stay alive because the place is independent of time and space, like its similar to + has connections with the void, but the void is a part of the mortal realm and the In-Between is not.

Anyway onto Phil. so he dies in s1, ends up in the colosseum, but he isnt ready to move on right. and Mumza thinks its odd because no guest of hers ever died and was like holy shit dude i wasnt meant to die noooooo…..he stays in the colosseum for a while and they get to know eachother, they become friends:) and one day Mumza realizes he can just give up his wings and respawn instead of staying in the In-Between forever and not moving on, so they do that. and he respawns in s2, with no memory of his life from s1 and no wings. he remembers the goddess of death though, and everything from the In-Between.

but Phil gets his wings back when he gets his first elytra. lore-wise its because because the end, being in the void, has the strongest connection to the In-Between, so Mumzas just kind of able to give him back his wings lol. and when he gets his wings, he can finally talk and hang out with her in the mortal realm:D hes not able to do that before he gets his wings because he isnt ‘complete’ yknow. fucks with the universe too much, not good. oh also sometime around here they become girlfriend boyfriend yesyes

ANYWAY. HIS ASS DIES TO THE BABY ZOMBIE AND HE ENDS UP BACK IN THE IN-BETWEEN. they do the same thing as last time, hang out for a little in the colosseum -> wing sacrifice -> crow man respawns in s3 now with no memory of s2 and s1. then he dies before he gets his wings i think,,,but he wasnt alive long enough for that life to ‘count’, per se, so he can respawn again without the wing sacrifice. but!! before he can do that!! hes like oh ive been meaning to ask you *gets down on one knee* Kristin, (literally the goddess of death, who is responsible for moving every soul into nonexistence, who is the strongest being in the world, messes with time and space on a daily basis, and was born with the universe) will you marry me (literally just some guy)

she says yes ofc and big happy,, and then phil goes n respawns in s4, gets his wings, and thats where hes been until now.

also idk where to put this so ill just put it here. my Phil design has these four hearts on his cloak thing, they were all sown on by Kristin when hes been in the In-Between.

the first death, she put two, to signify his first life and his new, second one. just to remind him ig idk. and then when he died in s2, another was sown on, and in s3, another, so theres the four rn

anyway thats all if you read till here why did you do that but thank you

#hcs4 enjoyers where are you i have Ideas i must share or they will rot in my brain forever and give me a stroke and ill die #i want to draw mumza and dadza and just all this i hava a million headcanons and designs i could and very much want to draw but augh #artblock has me in a chokehold right now ssob #philza #mumza #misstrixtin #philza hardcore #hcs4 #rambles #phistin #long post #i really wanna turn this into a fic……………..

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tojisun · 8 months

Note

anon from the simon ask here,, sorry if the enclosure thing was to much i didn't know how else to express how insane i am for that man (⁠´⁠-⁠﹏⁠-⁠`⁠；⁠) and never EVER apologize for ranting i love it n i get it ! i don't think i ever saw my feeling so well explained in words. also, i completely understand the competence kink thing there's something so hot about a man that knows what he's doing and simon IS that man like he just looks so capable n ready for everything AND THE WAY HE CARES UGH i could cry thinking of the way he silently shows it. when i first started getting involved in cod i thought he would be this cold cold man but after watching a 5 hours walkthrough (i told you im crazy) i discovered this truly intricate character who seems like he feels so much even if he says so little HHH i just love him. for me his size was a principal attractive because duh but also i feel that it screams safety, like nothing can hurt you as long as he holds you but that could be my own conglomerate of issues speaking ┐⁠(⁠´⁠ー⁠｀⁠)⁠┌ over all, n as dumb as it can sound, he's a big source of comfort for me cuz i feel that if there's someone who could understand me it definitely him.

anyway im looking forward for the new works, i already know they r going to be amazing, and sorry for the long ass ask you can ignore it if you want <3

DONT APOLOGIZE FOR THIS ASK, IM DEVOURING IT!!! thank you for interacting back btw like oh my god i dunno how else to express how ?-$,&2$:$!: i am for this man and so seeing my ramblings be mirrored back makes me so happy 😭🫶🏼 also dont worry about the enclosure thing hahshshd made me laugh so hard, swearr

AND YOURE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! theres something so fucking attractive about a man whos exceptional at what he does. the authority that underlies his competence because well you cant help but trust him; you cant help but want to trust him. AND THE WAY HE CARES??? THE WAY ITS THAT SILENT TYPE??? i (still) dunno much abt him but just like u, i thought hes those cold guys whos a lil bit of a lone wolf yk? then i found out that those dad jokes he kept cracking for soap was to ensure soap doesnt pass out because hes been shot?? i didnt expect it from him tbh but i think thats why i started spiralling harder – seeing how hes just a caring man!!!

N HHHHH THE SIZE AND HOW HES YOUR SAFETY?? ITS LIKE YOURE PEERING THROUGH MY MIND RN??? im sorry in advance bc ive been overusing this phrase but his size, on top of his personality and skills, makes me feel small but in a safe and tender way. does that make sense?? like, when he holds you, it just feels like he’s folding you within himself before tucking you in the pockets in his chest. and hhhh i cant stop envisioning the way that when he loves, it feels like safety and comfort; security and steadiness. LIKE you fit perfectly in his arms, under his chin, your face pressed on his chest where you can hear his heart beating. because he’s alive and he’s safe and he’s back home with you because he’s found a home in you. yk???

I JUST. I THINK THAT DYNAMIC SUITS HIM N YOU SM – HES YOUR SAFETY BUT YOURE HIS HOME RAAAAAHHHHHH hope that makes sm sense bc im typing this w my heart lodged into my throat and ik im rambling all over the place. im just so into him, its so 😭

“i feel like if theres someone who could understand me its definitely him” YEA. JUST, YEA

thank you so so much for ur support omg 🥹🫶🏼 im like a puddle rn its hdhjwjdjd thank you again for this ask darling <333 im sorry that my response turned out long (again) and hhhh sorry for the sporadic capslock usage 😭 take care sweetheart 💘💘💘

#anon #ask #simon is just.. wow yk?#an absolute unit of a man #the way i need him in a visceral way is just. WOW #i cant even explain past me overusing ‘HE MAKES ME CRAZY’ 😭#but yea! thank u again bb for this ask <333 #simon ghost riley

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speuradair · 1 year

Text

Crying Silco, Viktor Headcanons

Request: “hcs for when would viktor & silco would cry in front of their s/o? what would be the circumstance(s), are they crying silent tears or loudly sobbing? i dunno i just want some angst and hurt/comfort hhhh”

Silco hates the idea of crying

would never judge his loved ones for crying, but when it comes to himself?

he avoids crying at all costs, especially in front of other people

It’s not because it makes him feel weak, it’s because it makes him feel vulnerable

in his experience being vulnerable has always led to disaster

he’s decided that if you want to survive in an environment like the undercity it’s viral to avoid being vulnerable at all costs

but of course that isn’t a healthy or realistic expectation for a human being

while Silco is mostly able to cope with stress and emotions without being too bothered, it’s the trauma that does him in

he’s very sensitive to his triggers and is reminded of his trauma a lot

no matter how hard he tries to deal with it he still have ptsd episodes and breaks down

always tries to be alone when they happen so he won’t feel embarrassed or risk ruining his ‘image’ of a cold, ruthless leader

learned to cry quietly and get it over with quickly so he can rinse his face off and return to whatever he was doing as if nothing happened

he has more episodes at night than during the day so he’s careful to be silent as to not bother anyone or raise any suspicions

if he has a trauma dream he’ll often wake up already crying

even if you’re asleep right beside him he’d rather deal with it on his own than to wake you up and ask for help

though its inevitable that his partner will be there when he breaks down at some point

Silco feels humiliated and probably tries to push you away at first, even though the last thing he wants is for you to leave him alone right now

the best way to handle these episodes is to not make a big deal about it

be gentle and patient as he tries to get comfortable with the idea of letting you see him like this

assure him that it’s okay and normal to feel these emotions

let him hold your hand or hug you tight to ground himself in the moment again

Silco may seem cold or distant during these, but he appreciates you being there for him more than he can ever express to you

he might not want to talk about what triggered him or what happened in his dream, but he absolutely wants to listen to you talk about anything else

your voice is soothing and it’s a good distraction

It’s an entirely new experience for Silco to be able to rely on someone like this and it takes him a bit to adjust to it, but he loves you more than anything and appreciates it so much

he’ll get used to being vulnerable with you soon enough <3

Viktor is very comfortable with his emotions

he’s spent a very long time learning to accept and deal with both physical and emotional pain

he doesn’t think crying (or showing any intense emotion) should be considered weak or embarrassing at all

While Viktor does struggle with mental health and depression, more of than not he only cries out of frustration

frustration with chronic pain, frustration at the way people refuse to understand, frustration at witnessing the mistreatment of innocent people

tends to have short moments of choked sobs and frustrated slams on his desk or stomps of his right leg (which he immediately regrets because it still puts more stress on his left leg)

also cries when he gets angry, just from the strong surge of emotions and intense feelings he has

he does consider that to he slightly more embarrassing, though only because he thinks people don’t take him as seriously that way

his chronic pain is the most common culprit however

Viktor is in so much physical pain all of the time that he can really only take so much for so long before he has to let out his frustration

Viktor isn’t bothered by his partner seeing him upset

His lover is someone he’s supposed to trust, correct? Why should he hide his emotions?

There isn’t really anything that can be done to ‘fix’ the things that bother him unfortunately

but he greatly appreciates you just listening to him vent about it

also any effort you make to lessen his physical pain makes him emotional

he’s so honored that you care about him and want to help him, even if there isn’t really much that does help

he really enjoys soaking in a very hot bath while you just sit and run your fingers through his hair or read to him

it’s a temporary fix, but it means the world to him

as for the external factors that bother him, Viktor is more than content if all you do is commiserate with him

tell him that you understand

that you get why he finds things unjust

assure him that you want to do anything you can to help him even if there isn’t really much to do

Viktor will return the favor any and every time you’re upset as well

He’s ever thankful for your love and support so he wants you to know that he has the same love and support for you <3

#silco #viktor #arcane #league of legends #headcanons #x reader #self insert #fanfic #maidhc writes

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the-irken-pony · 1 year

Note

Free spot to talk about your ocs!! Gimme whatever thoughts you've gotten!

Gahhhhh fuck it. If people know ahead of time then people know ahead of time, I need to talk about them hhhh.

Traci Wells:

First of all I have adjusted her palette again. Reverted her CCC uniform to its original colors, made her shoes and glasses a bit more purplish, and made her hair a bit more reddish (and more vibrant).

I haven’t gotten around to it yet but I may redo how I draw her hair bun. I know it’s possible for one person to have multiple types of curls depending on the location but bun doesn’t match the hair that’s pulled back to make it, if that makes sense.

Basically I need to draw her again so I can share an updated design

Okay some actual character info now-

The original idea for Traci came from one of Ellie’s lines in Capital Gainz. Ellie mentions having “contacts” who are capable of acquiring private info, such as where the Toppat Clan is located. The fact that said contact(s) a) are willing to rat out the Toppat Clan and b) doing have enough of a vendetta to target the Toppat Clan themselves, was what led me to make her a member of the CCC, rather than a more major faction. (Though my own favoritism towards the CCC also played a part.)

Traci is… not the most physically fit. She prefers to assist in combat from a distance, and unlike the militarily trained Charles Calvin, Traci does not adapt well to field work or close quarters combat.

That said, she’s petty as fuck and not afraid to start an argument.

As I have said before, she works for the Subject Surveillance (SS) Wing of the Center for Chaos Containment. Unlike the Area Protection (AP) Wing, SS is devoted to capturing, “tagging”, and releasing individuals known to have high chaos levels (such as Henry, Ellie, RHM, Kabbitz, etc.). This does two things: allows them to distinguish between “area chaos” (e.g. the Toppat vs Govt fight in ItA) and “localized chaos” (e.g. the Ellry vs Kabbitz fight) and approach the situation accordingly (in a way that doesn’t result in wiping out the 1% or so of the population that has superpowers), and lets them study and observe superpowers in their natural state.

Ever since the CCC started working with the Wall, SS has been underfunded because why worry about all the nitty gritty details of where the chaos is coming from when you can just lock up any chaotic specimens (alongside whatever criminals Dmitri thought looked neat) and then take any remaining chaos and blow it up?

Speaking of the Wall, I've mentioned that Traci has a vendetta against Kyle Baxter. Before Kyle was stationed at the Wall, he was another member of SS. He volunteered for the new role for a couple of reasons. 1) With SS funding going down the drain and the CCC getting buddy-buddy with the Wall, he figured it'd be a more financially stable position in the long run; 2) he had experience working with high-chaos individuals so he assumed that it would be similar. (His panic during the big bust-out? That incident falls under the "area chaos" category, which he's not as equipped to deal with.)

Traci is, shall we say... less than pleased with this. And she's not afraid to mention it.

And now, some ✨backstory✨

I have mentioned that Traci has a twin. That twin is actually RHM. They’re biological twins; RHM is transgender.

Yes that does mean that she’s Cockney. I still need to remind myself this sometimes.

Sometime in his teens, RHM got kicked out of the house. I haven’t fully settled on the reason yet; either it was related to him having superpowers or some huge fuckup that’s his fault, or possibly a combination of the two. (Toyed with the idea of it being trans related, but I imagine him discovering that a bit later on in his life.)

He’d live on the streets for a couple of years before being picked up by the Toppat Clan. Almost definitely joined a gang or two in that time.

Traci stayed at home at the time; as much as she cared about her sibling, she also didn’t want to give up the security of having a home (the fact that she wasn’t treated as a “problem child” the way RHM was didn’t help).

Over time she’d grow to regret this decision more and more until she eventually made it her goal to reunite with him somehow. This is what originally motivated her to join the CCC—not only would she have a flying mobile unit, but she’d also have equipment that would help her track down RHM.

She would quickly find her new job to be a perfect for her (even if achieving her original goal would prove to be more difficult than originally thought).

Cael Summers:

So far, there isn’t a whole lot about them that I haven’t shared yet. I was a lot more open when introducing them than I was with Traci. I’ve also had Traci for much longer so she’s had more time to develop than Cael has.

Lots of scrapped ideas incoming!

They weren’t always nonbinary—or maybe they sorta were? When I first started developing them I kept flip flopping between male and female for them. Then I decided that if it was that hard of a decision then maybe they were a secret third thing.

I originally imagined them with a bit of a calmer disposition, but I felt that it made them a bit too similar to Ellie. So I pushed them closer and closer to how they are now: nervous fella who’d rather be at home than dealing with any of this shit.

Their hair became less emo with each iteration. When working on their more recent design I tried to emphasize the fact that they were recently captured by the Wall after getting caught in the middle of a scuffle between them and the Toppats. And that’s how I settled on the more messy hair they have now.

And now some actually still relevant information,

On their off-work days they like to dress more stylishly; they do their hair all nice and add a brooch.

I already mentioned the whole “they swallowed a rock and got powers from it” thing, but I didn’t elaborate on what those were: mind-related powers. Telepathy, mind reading, mind control, mind wiping, astral projection/possession, that sorta thing.

Aside from the telepathy, most of their newfound abilities scare them. They went from “will try to avoid a fight at all costs” to “I accidentally shattered one guy’s mind and turned another guy against his gang” and they don’t quite know how to handle it.

They do meet Ellie at some point—or rather, they might meet her. Cannot share too much more about that, since that’s directly related to the actual fanfic plot. Still working out how exactly they play into her story, but their general dynamic is “Ellie is a bad influence”.

Uhhhhh that’s about it for now? Have fun with these I guess lol

#traci wells #cael summers #my ocs #thsc oc #ellie rose #right hand man #henry stickmin #the henry stickmin collection #thsc #ask #the-starry-inkwell #mine #long post

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gemstone-roses · 2 years

Note

hhhh I wrote out a to do list of all the things I need to get done or check up on in all areas of my life and it's literally as long as my forearm. So I feel tight chested yada yada and I may LOOK relaxed on the outside but on the inside I'm yelling at myself to just move and get shit done and I feel so overwhelmed and I just wanna... run away. I guess for me, running away looks like sitting and staring into space, and that's what I'd tell Eddie if he asked if I was okay. Some comfort, please?👀😭

yep yep I love this your always dropping in with an idea when i need it aah ( although don't love your so stressed please take care omg)

I am SO sorry this took so long forgive me ajsksksks

Warnings: overworking, fluff. 18 plus please minors be gone!

"hey" eddie gets no response, he's not seen you all day

"hey"

you feel a squeeze on your shoulder

"darliiing" he singsong

You sigh, the knot in your chest having gotten worse since you stopped your task

"hey eds"

His voice brings you back from your daydream, staring up at his wall filled with black sabbath, your commiting each detail of the figure to memory, like you'll explode or something if you don't

"you okay?" He asks full of concern

"mhm" you say absentmindedly

Eddie knows, he knows your not he was giving you a chance to tell him what was going on.

he sees your to do list stuffed at the back of your desk, crumpled corners and scribbles. It's a long list.

"hey, look at me" he speaks low

You lean your head back off your chair to look at him

Eddie raises his eyebrows at you, smirking, causing a small, only small, barley there ghost of a smile across your face.

"you, need.a.break" eddie taps your nose playfully. Grinning down at you, but his stare is intense, concerned and serious.

"I've had a break! That's why I was staring at your poster!" It sounds ridiculous even as the words leave your mouth

Eddie knows your habits, it took him all of one afternoon to pick up on most of your routines and little things you do.

He can tell your on autopilot and Eddie knows your not stopping until every single thing on that list you wrote at stupid o clock in the morning is crossed off.

"That's a long list sweetheart" eddie kisses the top of your forehead, lingering

"I gotta get it done but-

"how long have you been staring at my wall darlin?"

"not that long!" You said as if convincing yourself it really hadn't been that long

Eddie doesent say anything but you can feel his body language shift.

Eddie puts his arm on both sides of the chair, spinning it round.

"come here" eddie pulls your arms, you follow his lead and stand up, eddie instantly pulls you into him.

smoke and weed and sweat and cologne. You breathe him in like his literal presence allows you to breathe freely again.

He holds you tight, squeezing the tension out your body.

"you know, you've done quite a bit today" he says, to reassure you, because he knows you'll feel like you've failed until its done.

"but I've still got so much to do!" You sigh, eddie sucks in his lip.

"what?" You ask

"Hang on" he grins, eddie let's go of you, makes his way to your desk.

"what are you doing?" you ask as eddie hunches over your desk.

"aha" he says, producing your to do list post it.

Eddie's barley legible scrawl at the bottom , Eddie's got the biggest smirk on his face while he watches your eyes scan the page.

-buy popcorn

-go to video store

-pick out horror movie

-bribe Steve into giving discount

- put on Eddie's hellfire shirt (the black one)

-cuddle.

You look up from the note, smiling.

Eddie raises his eyebrows, waiting.

you turn to look one more time at the absolute mess on your desk.

"I can make another to do tomorrow" you said.

"only if its half the size as today's" eddie says, and you can tell he's not joking.

Eddie grabs his jacket, slings his arm around you.

"so, what genre of horror are we thinking tonight darlin? Eddie keeps his arm around you as you make your way to his van.

"slasher?" You ask, and Eddie's face indicates he was thinking the same thing.

"great minds darlin" he winks.

You feel the tension finally, slowly , melting away.

#eddie x reader #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson hurt/comfort #stranger things imagine #eddie munson fanfiction #eddie munson fanfic #eddie munson imagine

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salaapaoo · 7 months

Text

it's been a while since i've been on here!! I've been p busy w school >< but i got tagged !! by @fanfiction-artist-prototype for 20 questions!! 1. how many works do you have on ao3? I have 16! but a bunch of wips hidden in my docs hehe 2. what's your total ao3 word count?

144,014!! I feel proud bc it's been,,, almost a year since i started?? I haven't really had time to write lately though :<

3. what fandoms do you write for? hmm... only lcf so far, but i wanted to write for sss class revival hunter !! but i need to catch up and brain rot harder!!!

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

young master, you dumb bitch

puppy teeth

in the comfort of death

death's little reaper

teeny tiny trouble

5. do you respond to comments? why/why not?

I usually do!! I feel kind of bad tho bc I see comments and then tell myself that i'd just respond later, but then forget.... hhh i will respond to them eventually ;;

6. what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

hm.. there's only a few that are done... so i guess i'll say what i think will have the angstiest once i'm done?? I think it might be between mr forgettable, witcher's calamity, or comfort of death???

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhm.... i feel like a lot of mine don't really have happy endings??? hhh

8. do you get hate on fics?

no ! i'm really happy with that! i feel like the fandom is really nice tho heh

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind? :] yes,,, uh theres.. some out there

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one?

i don't write crossovers hhh mostly because i would worry about trying to keep even more charas in character ;; brain too rotten w lcf

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of ??

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

yeah! i had one translated into russian!! that reminds me,, i should probably add a link to that to the summary or smth ghksjhg

13. have you ever co-written a fic?

hmmm officially on ao3, no, but i would consider a lot of my fics cowritten w my friends because would end up brainrotting together so hard that it would end up mostly written!! so if i end up writing it, i usually end up dedicating it to them or smth

14. what's your all time fave ship?

hmmm,,, im not too picky??? i usually like eating them all

15. whats a wip you want to finish but doubt you will?

hmm... im a bit worried about finishing comfort of death ?? i want to finish them all!! but for comfort of death i'm a bit worried because i know how i want it to end but the in between hhhh uughgggh having to connect it ughghghg we're still far out!!

16. what are your writing strengths?

my friend said that my writing felt nostalgic and like heheh that makes me feel proud!! smth abt how i desc scenes, so i think that's a thing i'm really proud of !!

17. writing weaknesses?

i think the fact that i don't like rereading is a big weakness because i'll read it again after a long ass time and then see so many errors!! I think i have a lot of run on sentences, too!!

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? i don't think i'm too confident on writing dialogue in another language!! I would probably just put it in italics and say its being done hhh or if i do, then i'd want it checked by someone who speaks it

19. first fandom you wrote for?

lcf!

20. fav fic you've ever written?

mmmm that's hard... but i think i'm really attached to like, teeny tiny trouble or maybe witcher's calamity? theres a few hidden ones that i'm actually really attached to !! i hope to have more time to write soon!!

tagging

@vveirdnobdy uuh,,, idk who to tag??? whoever wants to join?

#ask game #20 questions

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sanshofox · 2 years

Text

Hhhh atm I am just…sooo?? fed up with nowadays movies. It’s always lowkey there, but now this feeling is at a max.

They just don‘t feel right anymore. They don‘t give. They feel like cash grabs instead sometimes. Especially now in the franchise recycling era of hollywood. It’s hard to describe. And it’s already a topic in social media, so it’s a mass of people that are like NOPE. So I know that most of the stuff I am talking about was already mentioned somewhere, like the massive green screen use in marvel movies. I just want to rant for a bit.

Big thing that is talked about is lack of practical VFX (def more practical VFX again pleeeasee), but have you listened to the soundtrack of nowadays movies? Remember themes like from indiana jones, lord of the rings or the sixth sense? Because most of what is produced now is a homogenous thing. And most of isn’t even done through an orchestra anymore. It just sounds off.

For example thriller movies. In the 90s they used a lot of classic orchestra composition that added to the plot, gave a feeling to it and had a theme to it?? Can’t watch thrillers from nowadays, because what you hear is a lot of Hans zimmer-esque brutal bass with somewhat digital sounds. And it all sounds the same, somewhat procedural. And guess what: how is a soundtrack supposed to add to the plot when there is barely one. That’s the other thing: thrillers from now feel empty. It’s alot of splatter and adrenaline. But not real thinking, contemplating and conjecturing for the viewers behind it. Thrillers aren’t really thrillers anymore, but border on horror/splatter movies in a way.

But it’s not just thrillers, that was just one example. When was the last time you saw a wholesome movie production in the last years? Close to zero. It’s like a drought. I enjoy me some cheesy movies that I can just let „rain“ over me w/o putting any emotions into it. Just the wholesomeness of it all. But it’s not the only kind of genre that is going through a drought. It’s what friends of mine observed too. Most released movies go into the more adrenalin/action genre way.

Nowadays they only go just „one way“, not even trying to be anything more. Movies like The Mummy were successful because they were able to combine several genres. This whole movie had its own type of personality and that is why it’s so cherished to this day. Another example was 90s addams family movies or legally blonde. Nowadays movies feel like they don’t have any ideas anymore, so they only try to recreate what was successful before for the fast cash grab. Some movies still do have that personality thing and succeed, i.e. like EEAAO, but it’s rare.

And most movies don’t even try anymore because it feels like they let VFX do the talking. People are like uuuh and ahhh about it. But the fascination only holds for so long until there’s the point when all you remember about the movie is the prettiness, but close to no plot. I.e. when you compare movies from the 40s until now you’ll notice that somewhere from let’s say 2005 to 2022 there a „plot decline“ if it comes to summarizing. It’s hard to describe and I know that there is a term for it. It’s the same phenomenon that video games underwent. In short: there’s so much going on in peoples allday life nowadays that the attention span shortened but therefore cognitive abilities increased, so the industry adapted to that lifestyle. In other words: it has to entertain the customer that it’s worth their money, but in a short time span so they can still be „productive“ and/or needs less headspace (i.e. heavy, complex plot) so it’s not energy draining. It’s a complex topic, so I won‘t go into it that much. It really would explain the fascination for marvel movies. It’s like they don’t pay for a movie, they pay for an 2-3 hours event. It’s pretty pictures with lot of action with juuust enough plot. They leave with a rush without being too overwhelmed. And chances are high that you watch them only once for awhile.

And here’s another thing: I don’t need movies to be HD. I don’t need to see pores and wrinkles in every detail. I actually miss the grainy quality sometimes.

Yea I know I sound like a grumpy granny always using „back then“ and „nowadays“ stuff. And maybe it really is a bigger sentiment for nostalgia that I have atm. Though I do know I am not the only one feeling like this and you know that’s kinda sad. Things like movies or in general speaking art and other entertainment is fuel for people to keep them content and it’s kinda frustrating to see one form of content to stagnate in such a way. We do see technical progress in movies and hey that’s great that we can do nifty stuff like that with computers, but what’s the point if more important ingrediens are lacking?

#rant #movies #it‘s a lot and i hope it makes sense??#also is it just me that feels this way?

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arsalamsyah · 5 months

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The Happy Ending of 2023

On Dec 22, 2023, I reflected on how this year has been. I remembered everything that happened in Q4 but questioned, “what did I do in Q1 to Q3?” I couldn’t even remember until I scrolled up again my instagram archives, and found stories from April 9, 2023. Forget about the title above for a second. Have you ever cried naturally so ugly that you still remember how painfully aching it felt even after months passed by? I teared up again looking at those insta stories to flashback.

For context, home for me has always been the east coast – mid-atlantic specifically – where, despite not owning a physical house, my soul feels belong to its surroundings. You know it already why LA was, is, and will never ever be home for me based on this previous comparison I wrote in 2021.

While I enjoyed my work at SPX, I didn’t find balance outside of work which forced me to take flights to DC or NY almost every quarter to keep my sanity checked. Following a business trip to Florida and watching the F9 rocket launch with bare eyes back in April 2023, I extended my trip to spend the weekend in DC as I was already on the east coast anyway. Only spent less than 48 hours at home with my “foster” fam, and it was the shortest time I ever spent on a long west-coast-to-east-coast route.

So getting back to the question, have you ever cried naturally so ugly that you still remember how painfully aching it felt even after months passed by? The emotion on April 9 still lingers through those insta stories – it was right after this direct flight from DCA airport to LAX that my heart was too heavy to carry.

The above is a combined video since Tumblr doesn’t allow multiple videos in one post. First video – this take-off from DCA airport was too pretty to say goodbye to. Got the right-side window seat facing the National Mall and the weather was absolutely comforting. Then second video – before landing at LAX airport during sunset which was actually eyes-pleasing with another plane queuing on the side. The pilot failed twice to land safely due to poor visibility through thick fog & mist. Pretty much a sign of an unwelcoming environment.

It was right after this flight that my tears just burst out naturally while I was waiting for my on demand ride, on the side of a highway, where nobody else was there but cars passing by through the dark. I couldn’t hold it anymore that this cathartic cry had to happen and my chest was painfully suffocated. I turned around not to face the street because it was just too ugly to see, and had I not held my luggage tightly, I probably fell down to the ground crying like a baby. Admittedly, I had more cries living there than my entire life. The return trip from the east coast had never been easy even from the first time I moved there, “hhhh, why do I have to leave again?” “why am I here?” “God, let me go home.” “let me just go.”

What made the cry further uglier was the fact that the only thing (and there is only one thing) I can do is to repent for everything, asking Allah’s forgiveness. You can’t beat those pure senses. You just can’t. You can only repent and trust His puzzling plan.

Earlier this year was a rough patch for me, living on the edge of decision to decision and negotiation to negotiation, mostly very last minute like mini heart attacks. But finally Allah let me flip it beautifully to a much happier life, and safely returned home for good for real foreveeerrrr.

Ever since moving back to NYC, I experience happiness like never before. Like my soul returns to its body quite literally. Waking up happy, running the day happy, going to bed happy – constantly 24/7 every single day for the past few months filled with utter gratitude. I didn’t know happiness like this existed. I didn’t regret my past decision to relocate to California because had I not done that, maybe I wouldn't be as grateful as today. I tried. I did try. I tried to like it in so many ways for a couple years and it just didn’t work out. It's not my way of living. So don't you dare judging this cry is a test to my level of maturity or inability to accept uncomfortable situation. This is not.

To me to be home again is very personal & poetic. A relief, an ease, a reunion with my own self, being loved again, forgiving & compromising, tranquility over the heart, smiling from ear to ear, gratitude for every single breath, a comfort internally and externally – I shall never let that slip again. After a choking series of denials, a good friend once said, “listen to your heart, sometimes it tries to tell you something”. For another round of the sun, Alhamdulillahirrabil’alamiin thankful for the faith, the endurance, the persistence, and all other good traits that didn’t go unappreciated by my own (sometimes demanding) self.

it me, after moving back to Manhattan, at one of my favorite spots in Central Park during the peak of fall foliage season, living happily ever after beyond 2023.

#life #journal #personal #home

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el-is-away · 6 months

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Breaking into ur askbox like that gif of a cat breaking through a wall

Anyway ask game

Deli: Future, Hate, Midnight, Wound

The Hunter: Fear, Hunt (ha)

Sawyl: Mask, Alone

Wanted to throw in some more but there's already a lot hhhh

thank u!! i scritch you like the cat breaking through a wall you are

Delicon

future: What's the worst possible future for your OC? Are they taking steps to avoid that outcome? Are they even aware it's a possibility?

i guess that would be fully succumbing to his want for power. that would mean him continuing to search for people (or monsters) to please, maybe even continuing on his devotion to jormag and not finding something else to do with his life, continuing being a midless zealot. i guess now a normal life, a partner and a job kind of ground him a little bit, so it helps to not think about such stuff. he is complely aware of his violent beginnings and hopes to not go on that path again.

hate: What does your OC hate? Why? How do they act towards the object of their hatred?

nowdays deli mostly hates long shifts and nosy customers djkgjf. but in general, he hates traitors and things, that remind him of his past. he tries to such people and things them at all costs.

midnight: What keeps your OC up at night? Do they have nightmares? Fears? Anxieties? What do they do in the small hours of the morning when they should be sleeping?

visions of past. echoes of a long lost spirit that haunted him. his violent outbursts at gwynne, back in gyala. he is afraid of becoming a monster to deal with. he doesn't think of it often, but when he does, he gets really solemn and just freezes for a while, staring into space. dreadful for him, really. so instead he keeps busy :)

wound: How does your OC handle being wounded? Are their wounds mostly physical? Mental? Emotional? What's the worst wound your OC has ever experienced?

he takes physical wounds like a champ. it barely bothers him anymore, esp since his skin (bark?) has become a bit tougher with years of being frozen. he has emotional and mental wounds - betrayal in the past, hardships, outbursts at loved ones. but he tries to keep it all shoved deep inside, ignore it. worst wound? he literally got impaled once and lived through it just out of pure spite that was coursing through his posessed body at the time

The Solemn Hunter

fear: What is your OC's greatest fear? What do they do when confronted with it? Are they open with their fear, or do they hide it away?

meeting brother once more and still being not good enough for him. confronted, he will just be angry, maybe even violent, but out of fear of knowing the truth. he is definitely a hider of all kinds, you will never see him being genuine and sharing whats bothering him.

hunt: Who or what is your OC hunted by? A person, a feeling, a past mistake? Is your OC able to let their guard down, or are they constantly alert?

a person. still, brother; they were separated because of how much pryman didn't approve of their path of violent beginning. hunter is brittle, unchangable, so he is still riding that violence train to this day, to some extent. even if for a better cause. he is always on alert, cause hes a killeeeeeeerrrrrrr. :)

"Sneaky Oranges" Sawyl

mask: Does your OC wear a mask, literally or figuratively? What goes on beneath it? Is there anyone in their life who gets to see who they are under the mask?

no! literally, no. he is as obscene as is. its his nature to be pompous, full of himself, get under people's skin. he loves all of it. the attention, both negative and positive, it fuels him. but he has a softer side; a side, that he shows to his lovers once in a while. a romantic, poetic side, that bards have.

alone: How does your OC deal with loneliness? Have they ever been completely alone before? How do they act when there's no one around to see them?

he deals with it just fine, but prefers to be in company most of the time. by his nature he is a social butterfly, so being all by himself is just a bummer. but sometimes it's needed: only alone he reaches a truly philosophical mood, where he can write masterpieces.

#oc #gw2 #sawyl #the solemn hunter #delicon strix #ask game

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hanyjar · 6 months

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Honestly your writing is so lovely that I’m willing to wait. Like, I don’t know what sorcery you put in the Sae fic because I was just 🥹🥹🥹 the whole time!!! Thanks for the response as well, and if you don’t mind is it okay if I DM you to confirm? The curiosity is killing me lol. Once again you don’t have to if you don’t want to!

u are seriously too sweet hhhh ;; thanks again! i have a really long isagi fic coming that is deadass. 6k-ish words. so thats something to look forward to!!

also yeah sure i don’t see why not. as long as you don’t air it out for everyone to know its fine :]

#bumbles from the hive !#the bee says hi !#tbh the fic would’ve been released sooner if i wasn’t so lazy to edit it RIP #writers block goes crazy nowadays

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zhuhongs · 1 year

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hhhhh so im on a ridiculously long ride home and just my phone so tumblr diary entry time lol. if you have my instagram this will make more sense but yk. anyways. so yesterday was the last day of the semester and i was tbh pretty normal abt it. but leading up to it i was a mess and tbh i think my stomach issues actually came more from the stress of knowing im leaving but the alcohol seemed plausible enough an explanation so i ran with it. but nah i was just. hhhh overwhelmed. bc anytime i was out with ppl it disappeared and as soon i was alone and not busy i was like. oh theres the stomach pain. LOL. but yea. so i decided my going away present to everyone would be a drawing of them plus a message bc like. i always said i liked art but never rlly showed my classmates my art so i was like. welp lets go out with a bang. and it felt good bc i really wanted to do smth like this sooner. my initial plan to make a good impression was to print stickers of my art and put my IG on it and get close to ppl that way. but i was just far too stressed and thought itd be weird. so i just. Didnt. and i regret not putting in enough effort at the beginning. but i also feel like its okay, especially given my upbringing. i needed that time to myself to figure it out, and now i really know that i can just. talk to ppl. and not be afraid. bc the ppl i got closest to were the one i swore would judge me most bc of my own preconceived notions, but i told the the parts of me i hid the most and they accepted it. and could at least sympathize and actually relate and i just. why was i so silly. why was i so mean to myself to be convinced that i was so unacceptable that no one except for those who already knew me could accept me and enjoy my presence? i was so silly. i wont do that again, but if i do, it will still be easier than doing it this time bc I'll recognize the patterns and quickly snap out of it.

in a way, i really do feel like i needed all this time alone to process myself and rlly look myself in the eye and recognize the ways ive lived that i can just stop doing now that i have the freedom to be free of my past. and part of me feels like I'm saying that as copium bc i didnt connect sooner and i possibly could have also had a better time with others and still have come to realize the same things and more through the help and company of others. but i also know that i cant live life always thinking so much. so i just need to live and let the regrets be what they are, and move forwards. but the regrets do indeed linger. like i made the decision not to stay in taiwan. bc of well A. money and B. i felt like if i had more time I'd just fucking waste it like i wasted the first 4 months. i might as well force myself into a corner and see if that would make me do things i was too scared to do otherwise. and like, it worked! i did say fuck it and rlly just let loose bc i was gonna leave but now its worked too well. and like i wish soooo bad that i had those 3 months to fully enjoy every chance working out. Part of me says that its best to leave with that hope. rather than have taken that chance and it fizzled out. the thing keeping me from extending the most was honestly knowing I'd have my birthday there. and i could not take the possibility of spending my birthday alone... i legit couldnt stomach it. in the past i used to spend every bday alone but in recent years ive had a mazing friends that actually made my bday special and i just. I'm so used to having that day be nice that i really couldnt take the possibility of it being awkward. but now i realize that it wouldn't have been like that. it couldve been wonderful. but thats okay, in another life. or maybe a few years. who knows. im considering doing smth like this again in like 2 years after I've worked a bit. i have nothing but time. but man. sometimes i just wonder yk.

and last night i had a rlly good one on one talk with my classmate and that was amazing, but i got home and checked IG like a dumbass and say another group of classmates partying til 3am and i was like.... man i should've done that. but like, logically no. i had a great night regardless and i partied with those classmates last week. ive had my fill, and i had things to do today that i needed to be coherent for. but i couldn't help but thinking what if. and i know its not so easy to kill that voice inside my head. its always gonna be there. its not just me, thats the devil of SNS like instagram. bc you see the best parts of everyone's lives at all times and feel like you're missing out but you're not. you only see a sliver of what it really was..but yea. its okay. I'm still so very young. and i just need to treasure now and take whatever chances i get to nourish the connections i have right now and put yourself out there to make new ones when the chances arise. its okay, there is not life that can be lived without saying goodbye. but damn, yesterday at the school gates two of my classmates hit me with the さよなら and that. man i felt it in that moment. theres so much i wish i couldve said in all that time we had to spend together but i just held my tongue bc i was scared. but this was really playing social interaction on hard mode, like the cultural differences, the language barrier, the introversion, the fact it was my first time on my own fr, just, there were soooo many factors working against me specifically. and fuck man, i still did it. and i am still so young, i really can do whatever i want. it feels so weird. ive only been here 6 months but in a way it feels like this is how its always been. like the fact that im going home feels so strange. like i havent been there in years, i honestly cant fully grasp that im gonna be in a place where i speak the language fluently and am fully aware and familiar with my surroundings. like, why does that feel so odd. it does, i legit dont even know how to feel besides strange. i just have a strange pit in my stomach. but its okay. it will pass as everything does. but these days will always live on inside me as everything does. even if i can't fully recall it. so i just have to keep going as always. god. life is trippy man. but yea. Yea. thats it. i think

#🐌.txt #i just dropped off my shit at my friends moms place. now im going home to shower and clean my room.#then im going to get dinner and then go clubbing with my cousin #tomorrow I'll return my room and head down to taichung. and then just vibe. process everything. explore. im really nit expecting much.#i just know i have to keep seeing as much as i can til i leave. and then. fucking... 2 days at my friends moms place. and then. thats #fucking it folks!!! ship my ass back to the US!!

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