#he’s the most sensitive boy in the world and my mental health hangs on his and my cats well being. please. 😭 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hiddlesbummmm · 3 years

Text

I decided to try a new style of writing, so I didn’t do a Reader insert this time. I also noticed we are lacking Loki and Peter content, so I thought I would help fix that a little 💓

Warnings: SFW Tickle Fic

Words: 1662 Ler Loki X Lee Peter

Stickiest of Situations

Peter was ecstatic. He had been working on this project for weeks now. So many sleepless nights welding and grinding in Tony’s lab making sure every piece of his new web shooter was smooth and sleek. Tony decided that it was a good learning experience for Peter to build and tinker with things, so he gave him full use of his lab anytime he needed it.

Peter’s hard work had finally paid off. Now, all he needed was to break it in a little bit.

Most of the team was off on a mission today, so it was the perfect day to run around and shoot things like a mad man. He needed to be able to run, swing, and jump without risking hitting anyone. His weeks of hard work led him to believe he had created his strongest and most durable web fluid yet. He had to test this out.

About an hour later, Peter’s obstacle course was set up and ready to go. He had moved couches into random spots throughout the compound. He grabbed his freshly made web-shooters, strapped them into his wrist, and filled it to the brim with his new fluid. He was planning on testing his new invention for the remainder of the day.

Unbeknownst to Peter, he was not alone on this side of the compound. Loki opted out of the most recent mission as he needed a little bit of a mental health day. He was relaxing, reading his favorite novel, and sipping in some chamomile tea. Loki enjoyed having the compound almost to himself. It gave him time to reflect on his new life and enjoy himself without distractions.

Loki was peacefully reading his book when all of a sudden there was a loud bang-out in the hallway. It was so abrupt that it caused Loki to spit out his tea which ended up landing on his book. Loki was furious, to say the least. Who on earth was making such a ruckus and being so careless!? Loki stormed out of his room and went on a hunt for whatever dull creature had disturbed him.

Meanwhile, Peter was having the time of his life. He was swinging off of the overhead balconies, soaring through the air shooting his life size replicas of bad guys. He was correct, this was by far the best web fluid he had ever made. It was slick and smooth and shot out faster than lightning, but durable enough to allow him to gracefully swing side to side. He was in a euphoric state. Mr. Stark would be so proud of his most recent accomplishment. Maybe he could even use his new web-shooters on the next mission! Peter was lost in thought, not really paying attention to his targets anymore. As he rounded a corner he saw a figure out of the corner of his eye. Without thinking, Peter did a flip in the air and shot the figure as he fell onto the ground and landed in his signature stance. He had the biggest smile on his face and felt like he was on top of the world.

That was until he froze and realized the figure he shot was moving. Peter ran over to the figure but once he saw who it was, shivers went down his spine. He had shot Loki, a literal God, smack dab in the face.

Now Peter was extremely intimidated by Loki. He had an aura about him that Peter wasn’t so sure if. He knew Loki was a great guy and all, but he still was scared of him. He always tried to tread lightly around him as to not set him off. Loki was a ruthless prankster, and Peter did not want to be caught in the middle of some of the pranks he pulled. When Loki was feeling playful, he was the light of any party.

But one look at his face and Peter knew he was in big trouble. Web fluid was stuck in Loki’s hair and although almost everything had been removed from his face, there were a few patches still hanging on. Peter gulped. “ Oh uhh hi Mr. Loki. I I I am so so so sorry. I didn’t see you there honest! “ Peter stammered out the best apology he could given his circumstance. He ultimately was trying not to shit his pants because the look Loki gave him was horrifying. Loki was seething. He wanted to rip Peter’s arms off or slap him silly for being so careless.

“ What the Hell are you doing you disgraceful insect! Some people are trying to relax and you are running around like a bull in a China shop! You are acting like a pathetic little child because you are one!!” Loki took a deep breath and pondered his next words. Peter looked like a lost puppy, and it almost made Loki feel bad. Almost. That’s when a lightbulb went off above Loki’s head. Peter was acting like a careless child so he deserved to be punished like one.

Peter saw Loki’s face soften lightly, only for it to change to pure evil and playfulness. “ You know Peter, I apologize for speaking to you like that. You are only a mere child and children need to be punished in their peculiar ways.” Peter’s furrowed his brows. What the hell was this guy talking about? He shouldn’t need to be punished, it was only an accident. “ Mr. Loki sir, it was an accident! I promise I will be extra careful next time!! Loki smirked. “ I’m sure you will be after I’m done with you, Peter Parker”. And with that, Peter was forcefully thrown back onto a nearby couch by a green mist. Before he could process the whole situation, Loki pounced on him, and easily ripped his new web shooter off his wrist. Loki then proceeded to shoot Peter’s hands, causing them to stick to the couch. Now, Peter was very strong, but unfortunately for him, he had made the fluid even stronger.

He was now pinned to the couch with an angry God sitting on his waist. “ Pleeease don’t hurt me, sir, I promise to never bother you again!” Peter was terrified, he had no idea what to expect at this point. Loki chuckled deeply and slowly placed his hands on the boys' sides. Peter flinched at the light touch. “ I would never hurt a child Peter. Besides, it’s much for fun to tickle one to death”. Peter’s eyes bulged from his head. Ever since he got bit by a spider, his nervous system was much more sensitive.

“ No no NO please Mr. Loki!! I swear I won’t bother you ever again. Don’t do this!! “ Peter begged as his life depended on it. Loki took this as his opportunity to test the waters. He gently tased Peter’s sides and the reaction he got was priceless. One little poke and this boy was giggling like a mad man. Oh, this was going to be fun.

Loki poked and prodded the poor boy's sensitive stomach looking for weak spots. Fortunately, every spot seemed to be pretty bad. Peter was a mess. His hair was a mess and he was giggling uncontrollably. “ Please Loki sir, I cananant take it ahaha! I’m really SORAHAHRYY! NO PLEAHEHES NOT THERE!!” Bingo. Loki’s eyes lit up when he saw where his fingers had randomly landed. They were under the kids' armpits. He was so in for it now. “ This will teach ya to never bother me again boy! You made me spill my favorite tea on my favorite book! You must pay!” Loki winked at Peter before he dove in with all ten fingers wiggling and poking and prodding Peter’s armpit. Peter’s laughter went up 3 octaves within milliseconds. “ LOKI NOHAHA PLEAHAHESE NOHAHT THERE! I AHHHHH!!” Peter was shaking his head back and forth, pulling with all his might to break loose the bonds. Loki was relentless. He gave Peter “ mercy” and removed one hand from his armpit so he could swirl it around the boy's belly button.

This combination was incredibly ticklish for Peter and there was nothing he could do to stop it. All he could do was lay there and scream his little heart out. Loki was enjoying it so much. This would teach him for ruining his day. Loki then switched his technique and started to massage Peter’s ribs. This kept the boy bubbling with cute little giggles, but then he would race his fingers back to his armpits just so he could hear him scream again. Anyone could become drunk on Peter’s laughter. It could boost anyone’s serotonin easily. Loki was having so much fun teasing the poor boy, he didn’t notice when Peter finally broke one hand free from his web. Peter grabbed Loki’s wrist and pleaded with a hoarse voice. “ Mercy mercy plehehease. I’m gonnahaha die.”

When Loki heard him he stopped. Peter sucked in as much air as his lungs would allow. His face was neon red like a tomato and he was dripping with sweat. His face was plastered with the biggest smile Loki had ever seen. He was a good kid, and maybe Loki shouldn’t have been so hard on him. But, he did ruin his book.

“ Next time, be mindful of who you disturb”. Peter nodded his head multiple times. “ Yes sir! I will never bother you again!!” Loki playfully hit Peter on the shoulder. “ But I gotta say, great work on that web material. It will be a great asset for our team.”

Peter’s eyes went wide. He had just been complimented, by a God!! Well and also tickled nearly to death, but that was less important. Peter decided that from this happy giggly incident, Loki wasn’t nearly as scary as he seemed.

But, he was definitely going to be more careful with his future experiments.

#Loki X Peter #tickle fic #marvel tickle #mcu tickle #ler loki #Lee peter #Fluff #Bring on the giggles #Ticklish Peter

81 notes · View notes

incorrect-ikevamp-quotes · 3 years

Note

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us.

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics.

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

#ikevamp #ikemen vampire #ikevamp jean #ikevamp jeanne #ikevamp meta #ikevamp saint germain #ikevamp comte #sorry i have a lot of feelings about this topic kjahsflkjhsjkghfd #but yes!#i think mc being able to help him was more about her sensibility and the mental fortitude/space to be able to care about him as he needed #i don't think it's necessarily that she's SpEcIaL #trauma is a sensitive subject--especially considering he's a war veteran #but i also think it's simple and complex at the same time #simple in the sense that people really do just need consistent support and love to be able to care for themselves again #complex in the sense that support can come in so many permutations and some of them are very delicate and multi-faceted #and thus must be handled with extreme caution in some regards #anywho not that i'm any kind of expert this is just what i understand and see #also in case it wasn't clear i love him and cry every day (look away comte it's my whoring hours)#though i hope this helps??? i went off harder than anticipated lakjhglkj #thank you for the ask!!! <3333 #asks #rambles #not incorrect quotes

94 notes · View notes

jayshoneylays · 3 years

Note

Hi! Can I have a ship with both groups please? Thank you! 😊

I’m Chinese American, I have long wavy ombré hair with black at the top and blonde/pink at the bottom. I’m 5’6, I have dark brown eyes and I’m of average build. I’m a Virgo and an isfj. I’m really sensitive and pretty lazy/unmotivated unless I care about something. When I do care, I’m super passionate and hardworking. It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable with someone but once I do, my true talkative self comes out and I’m very loyal. Some of the things that are important to me include family, mental health (I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety), animals, the environment, and human rights. I love staying at home and being comfy, but I also love going out on adventures and exploring. I enjoy being in nature, traveling and learning about different cultures, dancing to kpop choreography, going to concerts (I’m an emo kid at my core), watching Netflix in bed, hanging out with my kitten, and eating. I’m a writer professionally and it’s my dream to travel the world and have a wide range of experiences to learn from. I’m also into true crime and mystical stuff like tarot, crystals and astrology. I dislike arrogance, rudeness, and dirty/messy environments. My aesthetic is kind of all over the place. It’s usually on the edgier side but I also wear a lot of athleisure and comfy clothes. My ideal type is someone I just naturally click with and can be best friends with, who is patient and able to give me the attention I need (my main love language is quality time). Being funny is a plus. I tend to be drawn to people who seem cold and a little intimidating on the outside but are actually fluffy babies on the inside.

Hi thank you for your request!,

For BTS I feel like you’d be a perfect match with Namjoon. You said that you tend to be drawn to people who seem cold on the outside but secretly really cute and fluffy on the inside! I feel like that perfectly describes Namjoon, outside he always has that leader look but once in a while he shows his soft side on the lives or when he’s with the boys! I feel like Namjoon would be very caring and always careful with his words to never make you feel bad. I also feel like due to him being the leader of BTS and always pushing the boys to do better and be motivated he would project that on you helping you get more motivated. You also wrote that family is really important to you which Namjoon has stated that he really wanted to be a father someday! You and Namjoon are both Virgo’s which have a strong compatibility, Virgo partners often offer patience and understanding which was a quality you looked for! Namjoon also has expressed a love for nature as well. He also puts the other members over himself and is a very compassionate person, I feel like he’d make sure your mental health is alright and always make sure that you are comfortable. Namjoon is about 5’11/6’0 ft tall and the height ratio would be perfect!

For Enhypen I feel Jake would be a match! Jake is known for his super sweet personality and I feel like he would bring a lot of light to you. Jake is a big animal person and has expressed so much love for his dog, although you have a kitten he’d still love them! Jake is literally the absolute opposite of your dislikes, he’s so sweet and polite. Jake also has somewhat of a intimidating exterior but when he smiles it’s like he’s completely different. Jake is a Scorpio which is actually the most compatible with Virgo, you guys would have excellent communication in your relationship. He would definitely enjoy going to concerts with you, he has expressed his love for music! Due to his warming personality I feel you would instantly click and feel comfortable around him almost immediately.

7 notes · View notes

butterfliesinthenightsky · 3 years

Text

Hi! I would love a ship with ateez, bts, and stray kids (ot8). Thanks I’m advance 💕

I’m a virgo. I’m introverted, sensitive, and pretty lazy/unmotivated unless I care about something. When I do care, I’m super passionate and hardworking. It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable with someone but once I do, my true talkative self comes out and I’m very loyal. Some of the things that are important to me include family, mental health (I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety), animals, the environment, and human rights. I love staying at home and being comfy, but I also love going out on adventures and exploring. I enjoy being in nature, learning about different cultures, dancing to kpop choreography, going to concerts (I’m an emo kid at my core), watching Netflix in bed, hanging out with my kitten, and eating. I’m a writer professionally and it’s my dream to travel the world and have a wide range of experiences to learn from. I’m also into true crime and mystical stuff like tarot, crystals and astrology. I dislike arrogance, rudeness, and dirty/messy environments. My aesthetic is kind of all over the place but it’s mostly a combo of grunge, minimalistic, and comfy with some streetwear and athleisure. My ideal type is someone I just naturally click with and can be best friends with, who is patient and able to give me the attention I need (my main love language is quality time). Being funny is a plus.

@indigolakes I don't quite know why it isn't letting me tag you, but I apologize for the wait! Here we go, I hope you enjoy your ship! <3

In ATEEZ, I ship you with Hongjoong!

Your virgo matches up with his Scorpio well! Whilst both signs do have negative traits, without a doubt, I feel like the good traits will outweigh the bad traits. Hongjoong does strike me as someone who has introverted tendencies, but only in certain instances, like in the collaborative stage for Kingdom and him & Minghyuck visited 3Racha, Hongjoong just quietly peeked his head around the corner (my heart couldn't take it!). He makes sure to not push your boundaries, and he treasures your relationship. The most pure and loyal boyfriend, the both of you put effort and time and work into the relationship and it shows. Days where you just vibe out in his studio and he will light candles to make it romantic and you will sit on his lap whilst he works and he will ask your opinion on tracks. Finding little nooks and crannies where you can take couple pictures together (y'all KNOW this SIMP will have half his camera roll dedicated to a significant other one day). You force him to take breaks when you feel like he is overworking himself.

In BTS, I ship you with Hoseok!

SIMP. SIMP. SIMP. SIMP. Whilst your signs don't match up, I feel like you have a good balance in the relationship and in your personalities. You constantly push each other to do your best and work hard, but know when you need to take a breather if you are overworking yourself. He pursued you first, he's the more extroverted and outgoing person in the relationship. He is already charitable and has a lot of causes near and dear to his heart, but he will also take on your causes as well because he knows how important they are to you. Sitting underneath a willow tree in the park reading, bringing along a vintage Nikon camera to take pictures of each other. If the two of you see someone acting rude and arrogant in public, you will call them out on it.

In Stray Kids, I ship you with Hyunjin!

Oh my god, he would be so whipped for you, I feel like. Signs don't match up, but I don't see that being too much of an issue. You did get off to a bit of a rough start, but you quickly fell for each other. If either of you is feeling the pressures of mental health and stress, then you will take the time to make sure the other person feels loved and appreciated and cared for. Could cuddle for hours on end, he has the tendency to shove his face into the crook of your neck, which never fails to tickle you and make you giggle, especially if your kitten is also cuddling into your face/neck. If there are protests in your area about one of the causes that you care about, he will want to come along with you because it is important to you and he wants to be able to protect you if things go south. Some of the other boys might even come along with you, you're like a sibling to them and they want to make sure you're safe. Cafe dates, particularly cafes that have reading nooks and plants covering all available surfaces. Lets you practice your tarot card reading skills on him, and I feel like he would be down to travel around with you once things slow down later in life.

#kpop ships #kpop submission #ateez #bts #stray kids #kim hongjoong #jung hoseok #hwang hyunjin #submission

3 notes · View notes

ziracona · 4 years

Note

Sorry if this has been asked before but, I'm really curious about how you would have written Max in the story if he were to be there? He's one of my personal favorite characters and finding redemption stories about him is kinda hard (You have no idea how happy I was when I read Claudette threw him a scarf to stay warm, like yes please; he's a feral child in a killer's body, but please stay warm)

I don’t think I have been, and no problem!

If Max had had a larger role in ILM, I am not 100% sure how I’d have written his perosnality, since I haven’t had to do it yet in-depth, but I know he’d be very angry and both defensive and aggressive towards everything, warry, skittish, hostile. Not bad necessarily, but humans will raise hackles and be ready to lash out and bite if they’ve all they’ve ever known is abuse the same way a mistreated cat or dog would, or like, most any living thing. I think he’s very lonely and unloved, and it’s hard for humans to survive without positive contact and affirmation and physical affection. I mean, if we’re left alone totally, we literally just die. But since his only experience with humans—and his parents/the people who should have loved him most no less—was nothing but danger and abuse and isolation and imprisonment, I think it’d be very hard for him to be approached. Not at all impossible, but man, it is really, really hard to convince someone who’s been through torrential rains of abuse that there’s something else to be given.

I do have ideas on how you could get through, but let me think about personality first. Well, aside from aggressive, defensive, skittish, warry, and hostile, like inborn traits to go along with learned, I think he is a very volatile person. He must be enduring and strong to survive what he did and live, and so determined and tenacious. —Oh! Hang on, big one before I forget. So, I am not a forefront authority in Disability as it relates to narrative, but I know quite a bit and was lucky enough to have a professor whose central areas were Disability, Horror, and Disability in Horror. I don’t know who exactly popularized the idea of Max as having basically a child’s mind in an adult’s killer body, though I think I’ve been told it was one person or story? Maybe it was just a big fandom take. But that’s one of the most prevailing and harmful disability stereotypes, especially for mental disabilities, and horror is a massive offender in general with both disabilities and disorders, and we need to do better & listen to the communities themselves more. I don’t mean this in a harsh way at all—I don’t even know if you meant ‘feral child in a killer’s body’ that way, or meant like, ‘this feral man in a killer’s body is my child TuT’—which is a totally different statement—and even with the former, I know people have had that idea of Max super popularized and are inundated with it, and most people I think just don’t know it’s a very harmful and prevalent stereotype period—I didn’t until I was in my 20s. But I think it’s important to bring attention to it when it’s brought up. Many of the bad things done to people with disabilities come from treating them as not fully actualized humans (I guess I should say ‘us’), and some of those ways are easy to spot, because they’re cruel, and some are harder, because they seem positive. The ‘child mind in an adult body’ is a huge one for disabilities that doesn’t seem awful at first glance, but actually is a huge problem. Unfortunately, human children also get treated by and large as not fully realized humans (as in autonomous & worthy of respect and self-determination—obvs there are some differences that are important, but a child is still an entire ass human & should be respected as such). The painting a physically and mentally disabled character as childlike or mentally trapped as a child is used to control and take autonomy and gravity from our opinions and lives. It’s also just like, not accurate. But the biggest thing is that it takes agency from individuals and paints them as less intelligent, less capable of wanting or pursing more ‘adult’ things [such as jobs or sex or protesting for their rights or having informed opinions on current events and doing something about it], and tries to paint that permanent, life-long dehumanization as a positive thing by making it cute or innofenssive at first glance. While still discounting disabled as kids, passing off autonomy and decisions to their caregivers, and ignoring our status as equal and actualized individuals. Stunted learning or growth or different ways of speaking, moving, and limitations understanding certain things don’t actually make disabled people like children. They’re just adults who sometimes have some very different ways of speaking or thinking or seeming or being. But it’s super important that we’re still adults and like, have the actualized self of adults, even if our speech patterns seem weird. There’s a huge and extremely important difference between an adult with social hangups around sensitive areas and social norms, and being a child. If you didn’t know any of that, don’t feel too bad, again like, people who aren’t disabled almost never talk about disability theory or issues, and I didn’t know this till I was in my 20s. But I feel really bad for Max and bad about how he is usually characterized, so it is important to bring this up.

Okay! That all said, I think personality wise, Max would be really fun to write. Because you have two levels—you have the taught things—fear, aggression, etc, and his inborn perosnality. There is very little canon about Max, but we know he never left home after freeing himself, he steals clothes from scarecrows or whatever he can find, and he’s probably in his early 20s or maybe to his mid 20s now. Since he never left home, I’d think he’s probably a little more cautious and anctious by nature, even with all that rage. I think he’d be sentimental if he ever was given something to love. He must have attachment to things pretty easily, and would I think have liked people a lot because of that, if life had been different. Would have been a shy but friendly and hopeful farm boy. Now, he’s kind of a broken mess, sadly. He’s had it super pounded in by family he is worthless and horrific and disgusting and a monster and an abomination, so I think he expects all humans to take one look and violently feel the same towards him. Taught humans are cruel, and he isn’t safe with them, and the only thing that will stop them and protect himself is unchecked aggression.

So, when it comes to like, getting close enough to him to redeem him, it’s rough, because again, he’d be very very aggressive. I mean, even after killing his parents, he mutilated the animals on the farm in rage, and continued to viciously hurt and then kill anything living he could find on the farm, so he’s got a lot of danger, and he really leaned into violence to protect himself. It’s what he knows now. I think he’s still lonely — like, so lonely he’s sick with it — but unlike Anna and Michael, he’s never known love, so I don’t think he’s even aware of that, and it’s on a pretty subconscious level. Plus, he has even less understanding of human communication and rules and gestures than the other feral killers, so it’d be really hard to get through to him. I think about the only plausible way is really, really, really fuckin slowly, through repeated gifts and kindnesses for no reason (like Claude with the scarf but every day for three years)—the same way you’d try to get through to a feral cat, since like other living things, humans also are wary and mistrustful when hurt, but can be socialized into new situations and do have a pretty set list of gifts and actions we appreciate. I mean, if I was feral, I would start to soften if repeatedly left chocolates and big warm coats and picture books to look at, pretty rocks. I have a crow heart.... >.> Or, the much more likely option, you’d have to catch him or find him captured and helpless, and then be kind instead of doing anything bad at all, and help him for a somewhat extended period of time, nurse him back to health or such, so he’d be forced to actually realize this person isn’t trying to hurt him—they’re trying to help.

I think Max would get less hostile slowly and cautiously because like, if you’ve ever been horribly abused you know you’re afraid to be hurt again. But also, if you’re alone, there’s a battle between wanting some kind of constact and love, and the fear of trying to trust someone only to be brutally torn up again and cast aside. It’s a painful place to be. But I think once he made it over that initial trust hurdle, and could bring himself to stop shuddering at a touch and to believe the person helping him was just trying to give him food, not poison or something to choke on, he’d be absolutely overcome, becuase if you’ve never been shown kindness and then are, overwhelmingly, it’s really hard to process. There’s a lot of psychology stuff about how we form our understandings and processing of each other and the world that I’m not gonna go into much bc convoluted, but it’d be like the opposite weirdly of a Just World break. The realization some things are less awful than your cemented life understanding structure. It would feel wrong and be hard to process (and rewireing a brain takes some time), but he’s been so alone for so long, I think the longing for people would get through, and he would cautiously start to trust and be just bowled over and kind of intimidated by the strength of like, the love and affection and gratitude and belonging he’d start to feel. I think he’d be afraid, becuase it’s not how life is meant to go, and jumpy, but he’d also just be lost to the happiness of actually having some kind of positive human connection, and become fiercely protective of whoever (or whichever people) was/were helping him. Got something he doesn’t want to lose now.

He’s young, so he’s going to still be figuring stuff out, and he had an awful upbringing, so lots of confusion and anger and un-learning too, but I’m really glad you liked that scene!! 😭 and that you like Max too, because he needs more love. I like him a lot too, that’s why he ends up with an undetermined fate instead of, like, dead in ILM. I’d like to give him a fully story role sometime, when there’s more space for it. He’s such a complex and unfortunate guy, he deserves a chance to grow more right and find people who are different and have a better future. TuT. It ain’t fair how his life was.

#ask #anonymous #dead by daylight #the hillbilly #in living memory (fic)#in living memory #max thompson jr #sorry if this didn’t answer all you wanted it was getting so long I was starting to sweat nervously >.>#but hope you enjoy it & the mini introduction to disability theory stuff—it’s super fascinating you should check some of the writing out #sometime! especially since there’s so much history there with horror ahhh now I want to go read...academic writing? gross wtf is wrong with #me TuT I’ve become my own enemy I lived long enough to occasionally wish to read academic papers bleah #*bleah lol

14 notes · View notes

theunderdogwrites · 3 years

Text

2020: The Year I Lost My Ass

Well, we reached the end of that toilet roll only to start another one, because that is what we do for as long as we are allowed to continue revolutions around the sun – we keep going.

2020 was a terrible year for so many. My brain is incapable of processing the number of losses suffered on a global scale. Be it jobs, security, rights, sanity, relationships or life. My brain is not just incapable of these calculations, it has plain refused to entertain those thoughts on behalf of my heart. My heart, that sensitive little blood pumping work horse who not once allows itself to stop. Thank goodness.

I don’t believe the majority of people are willing and able to bring themselves to fully comprehend what was lost in 2020.

Here is a list of a few more losses suffered last year:

- People lost their shit. And over the most ridiculous things like toilet paper, having to wear a mask to secure toilet paper and being held to the consequences resulting from not wearing a mask when asked to while attempting to purchase toilet paper. Pause for a moment and let that last sentence hang around in your mind. 2020 made that happen. I didn’t make it up! Recently I saw a news piece showing a man (40’s) lying down on the floor in a Costco to protest being asked to wear a mask. He spoke loudly, he beat his hands at his sides and wildly kicked his legs when an employee asked him to get up. Now, I am not judging for I too have participated in such behaviour MANY times. Granted I was three, but hey… some of us mature faster than others.

- People lost their damn minds. 2020 should be dubbed “The Year of The Karen”. For those of you not in the know about the Karen phenomenon, here is a description courtesy of Urban Dictionary:

“Karen is a pejorative term used in the United States and other English-speaking countries for a woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is appropriate or necessary. A common stereotype is that of a white woman who uses her privilege to demand her own way at the expense of others.’

Basically, a Karen is a I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER type person (There is a male equivalent, but it seems no one can agree on the name… Chad, Terry, Kyle, Kevin, Steve). You can often find a Karen on her cellphone calling the police to report a black man who lives in her neighborhood, simply living his life in her neighbourhood. I didn’t make that up either.

More recently a Karen was videoed in a UPS store claiming that she didn’t have to wear a mask because that space was government property and not a private business. Would it be safe to say that most Karen types suffer from a lack of oxygen to their brain? Possibly. But that would involve science and Karen types DO NOT enjoy hard facts.

As always when I download my thoughts into reality, I must go within and search myself. Am I a Karen? My immediate answer is: no fucking way. I can honestly say I’ve never once asked to see a manager or called the police to report someone eating their lunch on a park bench. I do not enjoy confrontation. Unless there is a bully involved. Then I will drag that person to hell with me. I much prefer discussion over going straight to the ‘I triple dog dare you!’ approach to the world. (If you got that reference, you are my new favourite) Because that is who a Karen really is… someone who jumps right to the most extreme action in order to satisfy their need to be superior. Truly, we should feel sorry for these people because instead of engaging they’re raging. And how awful must their insides feel… always full of anger, fear and self doubt. I say instead of judging these Karen types or putting them on blast on social media, we should hug the shit out of them. Just grab them and squeeze as hard as you fucking can until they stop talking. Peaceful solutions my friends, peaceful solutions.

- Pets lost their faith in us. Children a close second. If you are a proud owner of a pet or a child, you know exactly what I’m talking about.

I’ve always operated under the notion that my cat loves it when I’m home and hates it when I leave. 2020 has taught me it might be the other way around. Because our animals are, well, animals we just believe our presence is the greatest gift in their lives. Remember when you were old enough to be left alone by your parents and once you had the taste of that kind of freedom, you just wanted more of it and couldn’t wait for them to go out? I feel it’s like that with our pets now. We might not think animals have a routine or preferences or enjoy some alone time, but we’d be wrong.

I think at first our pets were thrilled. If we are home more it means more time for prolonged petting, walks and the opportunity to ritualistically train us to respond to their caterwauls for more food and treats than normal. But then as the weeks of lockdown and working from home increased, so did our pets desire to kill us in our sleep.

I’m pretty sure my cat has asked me several times using her feline glare: “why the fuck won’t you just leave?”. It would be naïve of us to assume we don’t disrupt their day with our constant noise making and snacking and scotch drinking that leads to a good buzz that leads to showing too much affection to our pets. To the point where they run and hide when they see us coming. Please tell me I didn’t describe just my own experience.

There is such a thing as everything in moderation, we know this, so I think it can be applied here. People, get away from your pets. Give them the space you often desire from human beings. Because if you don’t, that random turd in your shoe could be pointing to a much larger, more alarming problem you’re about to encounter.

I had the absolute blessing of being able to assist in caring for and raising of my three nephews (12,9,6) for the last 11 years. So, when I say: ‘children are always watching us’, I feel I know what I’m talking about. I’ve been mimicked so often by these young boys that I’ve had to pause due to mortification. Children will hold you accountable without even knowing it. I’ve had some behaviours of mine corrected by a 5-year-old and let me tell you, it stings like hell.

As adults, when our world was thrown into turmoil because of Covid-19, we looked to our medical health professionals and our politicians for guidance. Basically, we searched for those who would lead us. The children – looked to us. And while many adults handled this responsibility the best they possibly could, many more failed miserably and displayed attitudes I can only describe as juvenile, damaging and pathetic. I suppose it doesn’t help if the people the adults are looking to for help are themselves - juvenile, damaging and pathetic.

When I say we still have not grasped just how much has been lost over the past year, I’m hinting at integrity, compassion and creditability. Three vital qualities you’d hope people want to instill into their children. But if they themselves are unable to display such valuable traits, what does this say for the children who are looking up to them as an example on how to act when life gets challenging?

For myself in 2020, I gained by losing.

When they locked our gyms down for four months last spring, I came close to being one of those people who lost their shit. While people were moaning about wearing a mask for 20 minutes in the grocery store, I was contemplating if murdering those people could be considered a cardio exercise and would that hold up in a court of law.

To reflect on that time period now (especially since our gyms are closed AGAIN at the moment) the loss of the gyms brought me the knowledge of how important the routine of going to and being in the gym is to my mental health. I won’t launch into how I feel about shopping malls being open and gyms being closed despite their proven benefit to one’s overall health because then I really will lose my shit.

People always say getting to the gym is the hardest part and once they’re there it’s easy to workout. And for many that is the truth, but for me it’s all a part of the workout. Getting to the gym is the psychological effort. Putting in the work at the gym is the physical. You can’t have one without the other. I became so pathetic that I’d often walk to the closed gym from my house, stare at the closed doors and then walk home. 1.5 hour round trip. True story.

Remember a few years back everyone became obsessed with that Netflix show ‘Tidying Up with Marie Kondo’? It is the show where that lovely woman from Japan showed us all how to declutter our homes by getting rid of anything that didn’t bring us joy. Those acid wash jeans from 1989… sit with them… hold them close to your chest… if they don’t make you happy, remove them from your space. Well, the same idea can be applied to people and ideas and even feelings. And 2020 was a great year for simplifying our lives. I’ve heard so many people talk about how they can’t wait to get back to ‘normal’… not me. I’ve already started my ‘new normal’.

The loss of drama has gained me peace and a better understanding of the importance of remaining true to who I am instead of trying to please others in hopes it wins me points. Because it doesn’t. Because its inauthentic and only brings you more loss and more drama. And anxiety. And sleepless nights. And an overall sense of hatred for everyone. 2020 gave me the option to no longer care about the things that don’t make me happy and to embrace the process of letting all that stupid bullshit fade away.

It was a year of gained focus.

It was a year of gained appreciation.

It was a year of gained gratitude.

It was a year of gained love for myself.

I’m going to leave you now, but not before I share one of my favorite songs by the Tragically Hip:

In A World Possessed by The Human Mind

Just give me the news

It can all be lies

Exciting over fair or the right thing at the right time

Everything is clear

Just how you described

The way it appears, "A world possessed by the human mind"

Then I think I smiled

Then I think you said, "it's fine"

And quietly I dressed, in a world completely possessed by the human mind

We're in awe of no one

We've none of their fear

Fighting's goin' nowhere and we stay right here

Where everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

"In the shadow of the law and with colours of justice"

Then I hope I smiled

Then I'm sure you said, "It's fine"

They got no interest in a world completely possessed by the human mind

Everything is quiet

A little super dangerous

Quiet enough to hear God rustlin' around in the bushes

Oh, but it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

Then I hope I laughed

Then I hope I said, "it's fine"

And quietly undressed in a world completely possessed by the human mind

Oh it was you

Girl, I was so afraid

You said, "You shoulda seen the look on your face"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgXphurrsE0

#2020 #covid #lockdown #gym #marie kondo #the tragically hip #karen #petsarefamily #peace

3 notes · View notes

1heartsickfics · 4 years

Note

Hi I love your OC’s characters (sorry I’m not full up to date with the characters mental health) were one of the characters has a panic attack (with dizziness, nausea,headache ect) and there parter takes care of them. I’m writing this request just after I had a panic attack. (sorry for any grammar/spelling mistakes.)

thanks for the request anon, I hope you’re okay!! Several of my characters have panic attacks: Zayn occasionally, although not very often now (more so when he was younger), Kaiser is pretty easily freaked out, Tayden suffers from PTSD which gives him a different form of panic attacks than what most people have, Nathan has them sometimes as well, especially when waking up from nightmares.

I have another request for Tay and Juli, and I write a lot of Nath already, so I’m gonna do this one for Kaiser.

TW: depictions of vomit and panic attacks

Also, disclaimer: everyone experiences panic attacks differently. So this fic is a representation of one way that a panic attack can manifest itself. If you experience them differently that’s totally okay I’m not trying to invalidate anyone or anything, it’s just something that depends on the person. But i’m not trying to offend anyone or say that this is the only way that they go.

Jackson should’ve known that going to the fair was a bad idea. Roller coasters made him super sick, Kaiser’s stomach was too sensitive to eat anything they sold at them, and Kaiser hated crowds of people.

In hindsight, Jackson realized, this had been an incredibly stupid decision. But all their friends had wanted to go. It had been Hazel’s idea, which Zayn and Julius had automatically been excited about since they love riding the coasters, so Andrew and Tayden were automatically included as well. So Jackson and Kaiser had agreed to go too, because they didn’t all get to hang out that often.

But now here they were. Jackson had thrown up after the first ride he’d done with Kaiser and Hazel. A few more rides had Zayn heaving up his guts and Nathan looking pretty green as well. Tayden and Jules had wondered off on their own to avoid the puking, for Tayden’s sake.

To make matters worse, the park had filled up immensely since they’d arrived. The sidewalks were packed and the lines were miles long. They’d decided to head back towards the entrance to find something to eat, but they were having to fight the crowd to get through.

“Jaz?” Kaiser said, leaning close to Jackson.

“We’re almost there babe, just hang on,” Jackson said, squeezing Kaiser’s hand, which was white-knuckled gripping his own.

“Hazel how much farther?” he called up to where Nathan and Hazel were pushing through the mobs of people.

“I’m not sure,” she called over her shoulder, narrowly avoiding an elbow to the face from a passing couple. This was crazy.

“I can’t- get me out of here!” Kaiser cried, voice breaking.

“Alright, alright, get behind me,” Jackson pulled his boyfriend behind him, reaching back to place a hand on his waist, “Hold on to me and close your eyes,” he instructed.

Kaiser grabbed onto Jackson’s shirt with one hand, placing his other one on his shoulder. Jackson did his best to hold onto Kaiser and navigate the crowd at the same time, but he was losing their friends, getting farther behind as he was shoved by passing people.

The jerking motions and the summer heat were making him feel nauseous all over again and he could hear Kaiser’s erratic breathing from behind him. They needed to get out of here, now.

“Hey Andrew!” Jackson yelled to the closest person to them.

Andrew turned around, “You guys alright back there?”

“No,” Jackson shook his head, coming to a stop when Kaiser stumbled behind him, falling against Jackson’s back. He quickly spun around to catch him as he let out a sob.

“Woah, shit, what’s going on?” Andrew asked, shoving his way over to them.

“Jaz, my head, ahg,” Kaiser cried, eyes squeezed tightly shut with tears pouring down his cheeks. Jackson held him against his chest, shielding him from the crowd.

“He’s having a panic attack. Claustrophobic,” Jackson explained.

“Alright, you’re okay buddy just keep your eyes closed,” Andrew said, moving to stand beside Jackson to block him from anyone passing on his other side.

“We have to get him out of here,” Jackson said.

“I can’t breath-” Kaiser slumped forwards against Jackson’s chest, his legs giving out from under him as the world spun. His head pounded and spun and he felt like his chest was being compressed. There were so many people, too many. Too many.

“Kaiser, it’s Andrew. I’m gonna help Jackson get you out of here, is it alright if I touch you?” Andrew asked. He’d helped Zayn through a panic attack or two so he knew it was important to ask before doing anything.

“Mmhm,” Kaiser groaned out a sound that sounded enough like an affirmation for Andrew. He grabbed Kaiser’s wrist and pulled his arm around his shoulders to prop him up. Jackson caught on quickly and did the same so he was supported between them.

“Alright, eyes closed baby, we’ve got you,” Jackson said as they began to walk.

They both had to lean over, since Kaiser was shorter than them, but they were able to turn their bodies inward slightly to shield him from the swarm of people opposing them. With both of them helping, they were able to shove their way through the crowd and to the entrance of the park. They didn’t stop until they were in the parking lot, away from all the people.

Jackson would’ve taken him straight to the car, but Kaiser started tugging his arms away from them. “I’m gonna throw up,” he gasped, pitching forwards to vomit onto the concrete. He would’ve fallen face first into the mess if Jackson hadn’t grabbed him around the waist. Kaiser’s head was still spinning from the lack of oxygen.

“You’re okay, it’s over now. It’s just us,” Jackson said softly, trying to reassure him.

Jackson helped Kaiser straighten up once he was finished being sick, then gently led him to the curb and helped him sit. He slumped over, head between his knees as his vision swam. Jackson and Andrew sat on either side of him, a hand on his back.

“Just focus on breathing Kai, we’ve got you, you’re safe,” Jackson said quietly.

Andrew had texted their friends to let them know what was happening, so they were shortly joined by the rest of the group. Tayden and Julius kept their distance, since Jackson and Kaiser had now both been sick today, but everyone else gathered around in worry. Andrew shooed them all away though, not wanting to crowd the boy again.

“You ready to head home baby?” Jackson asked when Kaiser sat up and leaned against his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he mumbled sadly, wiping at the tears on his cheeks.

“It’s okay,” Jackson said, reaching over to wipe the tears away himself. Then he stood up, offering his hands to Kaiser, helping him up to his feet. He kept a hand around his waist, not sure how steady he was, as they walked back to their cars.

“I hate the fair,” Kaiser mumbled, rubbing his stomach, which still felt a little shook up.

“We don’t ever have to go to another fair again,” Jackson chuckled lightly, rubbing at his own stomach, which was slightly upset again after watching his boyfriend throw up. They’d never make this mistake again.

#panic attack #kaiser #caretaker jackson #jackson and kaiser #caretaker andrew

13 notes · View notes

jess-rewatches-prodigalson · 4 years

Text

Episode 18: Scheherazade

This episode is wonderful. Here are my thoughts.

SPOILERS AHEAD.

0:12 - Sooooo did Malcolm convince Gil to let him take the Surgeon case files from the precinct?

0:32 - Malcolm was eating Chinese take out? IDK. That stuff is pretty greasy. Something tells me that Chinese take out is not a good food to eat if you have a sensitive stomach.

1:24 - To be clear - Eve and Malcolm are not dating in this moment correct? They broke up last episode? Am I wrong?

2:04 - So Malcolm did want to go to this thing right? He genuinely likes ballet and his mom decided to make it a mother/son date. Ugh. So freaking adorable. <3

2:10 - Listening to Jessica talk on the phone is really interesting here. You can see that she’s embarrassed that she’s there alone and annoyed that Malcolm stood her up. She’s trying to be quiet and discreet on the phone so none of the nosy rich people notice but - of course - you can see them all looking at/talking about Jessica in the background. I feel really bad for Jessica here. She doesn’t belong in the average person world because she’s rich and she can’t hang out in the rich people world because they’re all a bunch of overgrown high schoolers with the bullying and cliques to match.

2:24 - Look at how excited Jessica is initially - when this woman b**ch starts talking to her. Jessica looks hopeful that someone is going to actually be nice to her. Her gorgeous face drops when this Cricket woman starts being a b**ch. Props to Jessica for dragging this woman about the admissions scandal though.

2:53 - Ok. I immediately don’t like Endicott. Why? He clearly only saved Jessica because he wants to get in her pants. However, I love the way Jessica looks at him. She’s hopeful, flattered, and grateful. She almost never looks this happy and it’s a damn shame.

3:35 - Quick side note: Jessica looks amazing in that dress. Blue looks good on her….wait. Do you think she wore a blue dress because it would look good with Malcolm’s eyes? Not in a creepy incest way - just in a “I’m matching with my son” because we have a close, non-sexual relationship way.

4:50 - hahaha Cricket got blood spatter on her face. She deserved it.

5:00 - “You know your Mom called this in right?” - I love this. Jessica didn’t call 911. Before anyone could even think of calling 911 - I promise you Jessica was on the phone with Gil. Because Gil has always protected her family. She trusts Gil despite the fact that - like her son - she trusts almost no one since Martin was arrested.

5:02 - Again. I LOVE THIS TEAM. Talk about character/relationship growth. Dani and Malcolm making lighthearted banter. JT being really forward about telling Malcolm to go and check on his mother (who just witnessed a murder). I love that we are now at the point in this team’s relationship that JT and Dani love Malcolm so much that they worry about Malcolm’s Mom. <3

5:16 - Props to Edrisa. She’s a little neurotic and often anxious. BUT check out the way she laid down the law with that dude who was touching evidence. This girl is great.

6:00 - “Welcome to 2020. Can’t rule anything out.” - Can we just appreciate this line. It was probably written in late 2019 or before the whole COVID-19 nonsense in 2020. What a timely, well-delivered line. They probably writers probably did it by accident too. They were probably trying to allude to the craziness that was about to unravel with Endicott for the rest of this season. I love this show.

6:15 - JEALOUS GIL ALERT. Honestly - this was amazing. Gil is so jealous (not hiding it well btw) but he’s trying so hard to be a professional. ALSO - check out the way that Endicott is looking at Gil. Endicott knows that Jessica and Gil have feelings for each other. He also knows that Gil suspects him as a murderer (for this case and the 1x19 case). Yikes. If Endicott has Gil injured, maimed, or killed in 1x20 I WILL THROW HANDS.

7:07 - This is cool to me. Jessica is mad at Malcolm but she doesn’t call him “Malcolm Whitly”; she calls him “Malcolm Bright”. This implies that Bright might be Malcolm’s legal last name. If it’s not - it means that Jessica respects her son. No matter how angry she might be at him - she would never intentionally harm him. She’s a good mom. (ALSO EDRISA’s REACTION ahahahaha and the way that Malcolm closes his eyes when he hears Jessica’s voice like “Aww shit. I’m in trouble.”)

7:30 - Honestly, I think it was both. From what we learn in this episode - Malcolm likes ballet. He’s probably sorry he missed the murder (because you know he’s Malcolm) but I feel like he was also looking forward to the event. Even if it meant that he would have to schmooze some rich people and listen to his Mom be a little nervous and a lot extra throughout the night.

7:45 - YES. YES. This is the perfect reaction to Eve. One that I’m sure a lot of fans can relate to. Yes - we hate the fact that Eve manipulated her way into Jessica and Malcolm’s lives. We hate that she broke both of their hearts. However, we sympathize with her brutally dark childhood and the loss of her sister. You can hate someone’s actions without hating the person as a whole. AND RIGHT HERE you can see that duality on Jessica’s face.

8:08 - At least Malcolm isn’t lying to Jessica? But dang. He looks so guilty about telling his Mom that he’s planning on visiting Martin. Probably because he knows Jessica will worry about the meeting, Malcolm’s mental health, and all other potential fallouts of Malcolm’s “plan”.

9:15 - Look at Malcolm here. He’s staring at Eve with a mixture of fear and concern. For once - he’s not focused on Martin. Malcolm’s concern for Eve and Eve’s pain is overpowering the discomfort and anxiety that Malcolm experiences when he sees his father.

9:20 - “You’re prettier than I imagined.” Ugh. Go to hell Martin. Malcolm looks so freaking ashamed to be Martin’s son right here. Look at his sad little face. :(

9:38 - What a toxic parent. He’s a serial killer and he’s still trying to make his ex-wife seem like the bad parent. Martin needs therapy.

9:45 - Holy hell. Malcolm looks terrified…..actually Martin looks a little scared too.

9:52 - I love this. Malcolm is so afraid of what Martin might do to Eve that he jumps over that red line. Also - take a second to notice how Malcolm grabs Eve. It’s not intimate. Definitely not the way you’d grab a significant other or a close friend. His hands aren’t touching her. He has his hands clasped around each other and his arms wrapped around Eve’s shoulders. This is a very gentlemanly way to grab a lady - even in a panicked, dangerous situation when he’s probably acting on sheer instinct and fear. Malcolm’s not thinking of where his hands are positioned. This is how he reaches for her instinctively and I respect it.

10:05 - Malcolm looks so scared here. Eve slapping Martin was definitely not part of the plan. Eve is improvising.

10:40 - Again. Check out the way Malcolm grabs Eve’s shoulder. It’s not the way you’d put your hand on a significant other’s shoulder. They are not dating here.

10:43 - Look at Martin’s face. It’s twisting in disgust. Is he actually feeling guilt for being a terrible father? I thought psychopaths couldn’t feel remorse? Maybe he’s just disgusted that his son is in a relationship with a woman who would have the nerve to insult Martin to his face?

10:50 - “I’ve told you all I can.” Martin’s eyes show fear in this moment. After watching 1x19 - I see why.

11:09 - The way that Martin shouts “Malcolm” is haunting. You can see it upsets Malcolm too by the way he grips his head. I wonder if Martin used that tone of voice with Malcolm as a child? Martin supposedly acted like a perfect father but what if Martin was verbally abusive to Malcolm when they were home alone together? Maybe this is how he conditioned Malcolm - like with that “Boy!” in 1x14, right before Malcolm stabs Martin. What if he drugged Malcolm to make him forget then too? Is that why Malcolm looks like he’s having a traumatic response to his name being called in that tone?

11:16 - Malcolm is impressed by Eve but also a little scared of Eve. Her performance was alarming to him. He didn’t expect her to be that angry.

12:04 - Edrisa is a national treasure. “I disagreed” bahahahaha. OMG. Even Gil looks amused at this one.

13:15 - “To maintain a comfortable lifestyle”. Seriously - do the writers want me to suspect Endicott? I seriously pinned it on him the whole time I watched this episode for the first time. Now I know better - but he’s still a sleaze bucket who has killed people.

13:34 - I love how no one on the team is buying Malcolm’s “my rich Mom took me to watch ballet as a kid” act. They know there’s more to it than that. They know Malcolm well enough to know when he’s lying.

13:40 - Gil is like “I’ve known you since you were 10. Jessica did not take you to the ballet for as long as I’ve known you. I would’ve heard about it.”

14:05 - I wish Malcolm always looked that happy when he declines one of Martin’s calls.

14:26 - This is seriously disconcerting. This is the most sincere and serious behaviour that we’ve ever seen from Martin. Martin is scared. Now that I’ve seen 1x19, I understand it. He’s afraid for himself. Of what Endicott may do to him if this gets out. I still can’t quite figure out if Martin actually cares about what happens to Ainsley, Malcolm, and Jessica though. I don’t think he’s capable. I hope I’m wrong.

14:32 - Soooo Mr. David doesn’t know about this. That makes sense. Did Mr. David see Martin get slapped? Are these phone calls recorded? Is that why Mr. David gives Martin that look? To remind Martin to keep quiet about the slap because it could cause Mr. David to lose his job? Are they friends? Ugh. This relationship is so fascinating to me.

15:33 - Look at Gil. He does not like the catty attitude of these ballet dancers.

15:45 - OMG. JT looks like he’s watching reality TV. He’s amused, a little confused, a lot shocked, and he can’t look away.

16:00 - I don’t like this Joesph dude - because he’s a jerk. BUT he has a point. These ballerinas seems very unstable. In the emotional sense.

16:12 - Dang. This is brutal. I didn’t like the way this girl was acting - but no one deserves this.

16:53 - “I’m right here. I’m right here.” UGH. Gil saying this is so freaking sweet. All I can imagine is Gil saying that to Malcolm as a kid when Mal wakes up from a nightmare. <3 Ugh. The thought is warming my cold, dead heart.

17:15 - It’s a little concerning that Malcolm looks so excited about being in the same building as an active killer. ALTHOUGH - he regularly visits his serial killer father. Maybe he’s so used to being afraid of killers that he doesn’t even register it anymore? He’s so focused on solving the case that his own safety doesn’t even register as a concern?

17:23 - Papa!Gil is angry. I’m picturing him giving Malcolm a lecture in this tone of voice after Malcolm did something stupid when he was a teenager.

18:00 - Malcolm is having the time of his life. Look at this boy go. He has a group of suspects to profile and they’re all standing right in front of him. Life can’t get much better.

19:30 - Yep. This dude is a jerk. Also - Malcolm looks tiny next him. How tall is that dude? I know Tom Payne is short but damn.

19:36 - Question: why wasn’t Fiona in this group that was initially being profiled? Was she not in the building?

19:55 - Look at this. Jessica totally wants to talk to Martin. She is so pleased that she finally has something to rub in Martin’s face to make him jealous/angry. Also - can we all just appreciate how Jessica picks up the phone?!? When she’s addressing Mr. David?!? hahahaha comedic GOLD.

20:12 - Martin is losing his marbles. He really is an attention whore. Dang.

20:18 - “Martin stop being a helicopter parent.” - Yo. Jessica, I love you but you are a hypocrite.

20:30 - And this was the moment that Jessica forgave Eve for betraying her and Malcolm. Hahaha look at how absolutely delighted Jessica looks when she finds out that Eve struck Martin. hahaha

20:35 - Look at the way Martin glances over at Mr. David as he asks Jessica if she’s paying attention to him. It’s as though he’s reigning himself in because he knows Mr. David will hang up the phone and leave the cell if Martin loses it. Martin is so desperate for attention that he’ll take a bad phone call with his ex-wife over being alone in his cell. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.

20:43 - Huh. Do you think Gil saw that photo? How do you think our jealous cop reacted?

21:03 - Ok. So, in this scene Martin is chained to the wall. He’s talking on the phone. Mr. David is in the room. NO one else. WHAT ARE THE PARAMETERS REGARDING WHEN MARTIN GETS CHAINED TO THE WALL?!?!? There have been so many scenes when Martin is not chained to the wall and he’s alone with Mr. David. I have so many questions about how this works.

21:06 - Martin’s toddler-esque hissy fit is freaking hilarious. This dude is unstable.

21:24 - Martin’s flashbacks have to be true. Right? So we can all say with 100% certainty that he took Malcolm to the cabin and held a girl (Sophie) in the cabin.

21:43 - Poor Mr. David. :( He looks so done with Martin’s nonsense. Why doesn’t Mr. David quit? He could easily get a position guarding a less insane prisoner. He’s been with Martin for 20ish years. At this point he’s either a) friends with Martin, b) developed some sort of twisted Stockholm Syndrome, c) working for Endicott, or d) getting paid a lot of money.

22:34 - Fiona is a nasty Queen B and I’m annoyed that Gil can’t arrest her on principle.

23:25 - “He upset some very powerful people. They made his escape from Cuba possible.” ….Soooo Endicott is definitely a shady dude. I still think he had something to do with Javier’s death.

23:40 - “Jessica’s friend?” - Dang. Gil, you’re jealousy is showing. <3 hahaha also he looks so freaking unsurprised. Gil’s like “I knew he was shady. I KNEW IT!!” And I find it really interesting that he refers to Jessica by her first name in front of Malcolm. Usually, he’ll say “your mother” or “your mom”. This indicates that Gil currently feels personally involved in Jessica’s life. This is a situation that is affecting him as opposed to Malcolm so he’s referring to her as “Jessica” instead of “your mother”.

24:02 - OMG. Gil, please stop being so obviously jealous of a woman in front of her son. Her son is a profiler. He can see through you and you’re probably making him uncomfortable (look at the way Malcolm looks down and smirks after Gil does this he knows). Regardless, this is the single funniest thing Gil has ever done on this show.

24:15 - Are Endicott and Gil really having a weird, not-so-subtle “guy-off” over Jessica while talking about the investigation?!? Malcolm looks hella awkward. He’s like “Fake-Dad vs. suspect/Mom’s crush. What do I do?”

24:43 - ENDICOTT DO NOT PRETEND THAT YOU DIDN’T KNOW MALCOLM WAS HER SON. Your shady ass has totally been keeping tabs on her whole family for the past 20 years.

24:50 - DANG. Check out that look that Jessica gives Malcolm. It’s like “Do not embarrass me in front of Nicholas. Do not tell your sister what you’ve seen. Do not discuss what you just witnessed with me. Ever. This did not happen.”

24:54 - Gil, buddy, I love you but looking at your watch is super obvious. Please reign it in. Your jealousy, while hilarious, it not attractive to a woman.

25:09 - I feel so bad for Malcolm throughout this whole scene. He’s clearly still interested in solving the case but he has this confused, slightly disturbed look on his face as he watches the whole love triangle fight go down.

26:06 - Once again, the whole “guessing JT’s name” is my favourite running gag on this show. Look. Even JT is into it now. He used to be super annoyed by it. This is how much JT and Malcolm’s friendship has grown. I’m so proud of these losers.

26:20 - OMG. hahaha “Posion.” Is Gil considering poisoning Endicott because he’s really that jealous?!!? I doubt it. More likely - Gil is suspecting Endicott of killing Javier. HOWEVER, I also think that this is a very subtle hint by the writers that Endicott is going to poison Gil in the season finale. I DO NOT WANT TO BE RIGHT - but I have a horrible dread that I will be.

27:00 - Seriously? Martin gets an iPod too? Is he really a prisoner?!? This dude lives better than me.

27:30 - So Martin is mad at Malcolm here. “Kids.” Huh. So did he actually try to kill Malcolm that night? Or did he chicken out when he got up to the cabin?

28:13 - HOW THE HELL DID MARTIN GET EVE’S PHONE NUMBER?!? Magic? Does he get internet access? A phone book? He has Mr. David find it for him?

28:25 - Check out Malcolm’s face. He looks longingly and sad as he stares at the ballerinas. He stares at them with respect too - not lust. He really likes ballet. <3

29:00 - Is Malcolm projecting here. “You took a chance on him when no one else would.” Did he quit dance because of how people treated him after Martin was arrested? Does Malcolm identify with Javier?

29:10 - Listen to how Fiona praises Javier’s work ethic. It almost feels like she’s talking about Malcolm. Of course, she isn’t, she doesn’t know Malcolm. BUT the writers know Malcolm. Is this a subtle hint that Malcolm is not a killer? That he’s incapable of being a killer? I mean - they even go so far as to have Fiona say that something about Javier’s performance was off - not his work performance but his personal performance. Is that a reference to Malcolm’s deteriorating mental health? Maybe I’m reading way to much into this…

31:14 - Does Malcolm even know he’s projecting here?! I don’t think he does. Gil sees it though. Damn. I’m surprised he didn’t challenge Malcolm on it. Or hug him. Ugh. My heart is broken.

33:05 - Is Malcolm so shocked that he doesn’t move? Or is this just Malcolm’s passive suicidality at work here? Watch Gil tackle him to the ground though. <3 I’m in love. This is the father Malcolm deserves.

33:36 - hahaha look at Malcolm’s precious little ballet jump. Gil sees it too. Gil is like “Wtf? This kid totally did ballet at some point. How did I not know about it?”

35:15 - Look at how freaking proud Gil is of Malcolm. Gil - a man who likes classic cars, has sports trophies in his office, and drinks fancy liquor. Gil is, in a lot of ways, stereotypically male. He finds out that his dorky pseudo-son did something as stereotypically feminine as dancing ballet (and enjoyed it) and Gil doesn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t get mad. He doesn’t tease Malcolm. He just looks at him with pride. We need more men like Gil in this world.

37:00 - Anyone else extremely upset by the idea that Martin put his son to bed like a Good Dad before going downstairs with the intent to murder a woman?

38:25 - I feel really bad for Sophie. :(

39:20 - Soooo is Sophie still alive? Or did Endicott have her hunted down and killed?

40:29 - This isn’t the first time in this series that Martin has bashed Jessica’s parenting skills. Or the first time he’s hinted that Jessica did something bad to the children. Given Jessica’s behaviour toward Ainsley and Malcolm - I doubt it. That woman adores her children. However, she does have a drinking problem and I’m starting to wonder what Martin thinks makes Jessica so bad. Is it simply because she divorced him? Or that she kept the children from him? Or is it something more?

40:50 - Well at least Malcolm knows Martin has been gaslighting him. :(

41:06 - Soooo Mr. David totally heard that conversation. Makes you wonder if Mr. David is working for Endicott. The things that Mr. David knows…

41:50 - So Eve definitely broke up with him here. Again? Honestly - I have no idea when these two were actually together.

43:21 - I do not like that monster inside the Whitly house. No no no no.

Well. Thanks for hanging out Prodigies. See you next time.

11 notes · View notes

uzumaki-rebellion · 5 years

Text

“Black Boys Bloom Thorns First: Volume 2, Chp. 23″

Summary: Erik makes a discovery that changes the course of his family forever...

NSFW. Mature Audience. Smut.

youtube

"Every once and awhile

I find myself going through a transition

Packing up, flying away again

Never knowing how or which way is up

Turning, Spinning high

Welcome to changes

No time to spare

Might as well get used to it

Welcome to changes

Blow with the air…"

Carleen Anderson – "Welcome to Changes"

Califia had known Dr. Barbara Davis since she was a child.

Therapy was something her grandmother insisted on after her father was arrested and sent to prison. Nana Jean understood that her granddaughter was traumatized and needed the professional help her mother couldn't give her.

Califia was grateful for the intervention and grateful to have used Dr. Davis services when she had a brutal fight with N'Jobu when they were in their twenties. It was the only time in their relationship where N'Jobu had laid hands on her. He was defending himself from her attack after he accused her of being a cheating slut. He claimed much later that he had been holding back, but she remembers him using ulwa on her without hesitation. Perhaps it was ingrained in him to protect himself with full force no matter who it was who attacked him.

Califia allowed the fingers of her left hand to fuss with the leather button on the couch she sat on in Dr. Davis's comfortable and welcoming office. Soft browns and mauves surrounded them with splashes of pink. Soothing colors in all the décor. Hanging plants with long green tendrils giving the space a safe feel.

Erik sat beside her, quiet, his hands in his lap as he waited for their session to begin.

N'Jobu had been home for months and their family had maintained a stable home life since his return. Califia had returned to work but she made sure she and Erik saw Dr. Davis twice a week.

"How are things going for you at school, Erik?"

Dr. Davis's kind eyes peered at him from her horn-rimmed glasses, a sweet smile on her lips as she looked at the boy. Erik's body shifted in his seat.

"Good," he said, "…better actually."

"How so?"

"I sleep better at home, so I'm…calmer…um, yeah…calmer at school. No more nightmares."

"That's good to hear. And you, Califia?"

Califia's eyes left Erik's face as she gazed at the therapist.

"I still get bad dreams…sometimes. Not of the attack, but just weird stuff that I can't remember when I wake up."

Dr. Davis scribbled some things down on a yellow notepad.

"What about N'Jobu? How has he been?"

"Good. He and Erik are going camping this weekend with Erik's friend Walter."

"We went to Disneyland a few weeks ago," Erik said. His face lit up at the memory.

Dr. Davis went over some new breathing techniques with them and showed them how to quickly assess their anxiety levels with each other. It hurt Califia so much that Erik suffered from some of the same problems that she grappled with as a child. Intergenerational trauma was no joke, and she worried that she had passed down so much of her pain to her son. Erik had always been a joy to raise, a sensitive little one who felt deeply, but Lia's assassination had opened a wound that accelerated anxiety in him. He was also showing signs of obsessive-compulsive behavior. She could see the stress in him as he tried in his own way to still process and live with what he witnessed.

Their fifty-minute session went by quickly and while Dr. Davis put away her notes, Califia felt her heart- rate go up.

"Erik, do me a favor, could you wait out in the next room. I want to schedule some things with your mother real quick," Dr. Davis said.

Erik nodded, hopped off the couch, and disappeared into the waiting room.

"Califia…what is it?"

Califia finally allowed her tears to flow freely. She kept them in so Erik wouldn't see them, struggling to look normal for him as he left the space.

"I'm messing him up," she said, her voice shuddering from suppressing her emotions from Erik.

"What makes you say that?"

Dr. Davis handed Califia a tissue to wipe her eyes.

"My entire life has been nothing but pain and struggle and mental health issues. I see what it's doing to him. I'm setting my baby up for failure. He's become so rigid about things and he treats me like I'm the child sometimes. He always checks to make sure I'm okay. I'm supposed to be doing that for him!"

She threw her hands over her face unable to stop herself from weeping. "I've fucked up my son—"

"No…you haven't done that—"

"You see how he is—"

Dr. Davis pulled Califia's hands from her face.

"Let me tell you about your son. Erik witnessed a horrific event. But he is resilient. He has an absolute innate sense of justice. He believes strongly in fairness. He has a protective nature about him. His heart is so big and loving that he wants to make sure his Mommy is okay too."

Califia sat back on the couch still clutching the tissue in her hand.

"Parents can pass down anxiety—"

"That can happen. Erik has been displaying symptoms of an overactive brain, but it's nothing we can't work to improve. He's a brilliant child with big thoughts and ideas going on. He's learning to focus in much calmer ways so don't get yourself so worked up. Your coming here with him is the best thing you are doing to help him and yourself. His coping behaviors are simply coping behaviors. He could outgrow them over time—"

"What if he doesn't?"

"Let's focus on right now. Stressing over the future or the past is what keeps you stuck Califia. We work on that with you, and Erik will be fine. The fact that he sees you here doing your best to get well mentally only encourages him to do the same. You have to stay focused on the present with him now. Be mindful of the progress you both have made. Think of all the support you have from your family. Especially N'Jobu."

"Erik…he's my best thing, y'know?"

"I know."

"I worry so much about him. Parents are supposed to protect their children—"

"We live in the real world, Califia. You can't shield Erik from everything that happens, but you can be a pillar of strength and unconditional love for him. He can face anything when you and N'Jobu give him that."

Dr. Davis handed her another tissue and Califia tried to fix her face before going out to Erik.

Her son's eyes sought out hers the moment she walked out and he saw that they were pink from crying.

"You okay, Mom?"

"I am. Ready to go?"

"Yes."

She was mentally drained from the session and drove herself and Erik to visit N'Jobu at the shop. He was managing two new locations and they caught him as he returned to the original Drizzy's Kuts.

N'Jobu's eyes always lit up when he saw them and the moment they stepped into the shop, his arms were around her waist in greeting and he was touching Erik's hair.

"Hey, wasn't expecting you two to pop in," he said.

Califia sat in an open booth chair as Erik greeted three of the other barbers working on customers.

"Can I leave Erik here with you while I run over to see Rolita?"

"Sure. Is everything okay?"

"I got a text from her about meeting at her place with some of the women from Rise Up. Shouldn't take that long. An hour or two."

"Dinner at Nana's still?"

"Yeah."

She kissed his cheek and waved to Erik as she left. Needing Erik to be with the stronger parent right at the moment was important. She needed time with Rolita to lift herself up away from Erik. It was almost like he had extrasensory empath powers, able to read emotions and feelings from people just by looking in their eyes and taking on their weight. It was scary sometimes.

Rolita greeted her at her home with four other women from Rise Up and two men from a local Black activist group. There were snacks laid out in the living room and Califia ate chips from a paper plate with salsa. The mood in the room was solemn.

One of the men pulled out a laptop and showed the women a web page with a list of photos and names. Rolita sat next to Califia and took a deep breath.

"Activists are being murdered," Rolita said.

Califia felt the tension in the room rise.

"Misha Browning was found two hours ago," Rolita said and there was a gasp in the room from everyone.

Califia closed her eyes and steeled her nerves. Misha was a woman Califia had only known and interacted with online in cyber activist spaces. They had coordinated national action plans on police brutality and domestic terrorist attacks on immigrants and mutant humans. She had gone missing a few days previous and word spread by the police was that she had a domestic dispute with a boyfriend and disappeared soon after. But her boyfriend, a man Califia had met in person at a climate change conference in Fresno after she graduated university, was staying on a Scottish Island for a fellowship prior to Misha's disappearance.

There was a pattern.

Up until that moment, ten activists that Califia interacted with personally or knew of through online spaces nationally were dead. Seven of the dead were reported to have committed suicide. Four Black men and two Black women, and two Native women from the Pine Ridge Nation active with pipeline and environmental protests and civil disobedience. Three of them were said to have been murdered under suspicious circumstances. Their mental health was scrutinized and most of the newsfeed on them was swept away. Prominent and vocal activists. Killing themselves?

And now Misha. Found face down under Ohio river debris fifty miles away from her home.

Califia could only think of Lia and then her own self. Rolita too. They were mothers with young children. They were mothers trying to make the world safe for their babies. Could they be targeted next? Could they show up dead and the world told that they committed suicide? It wasn't unthinkable that an activist could kill themselves. Mental health was something they all grappled with and sometimes the world beat them down until killing oneself seemed like a good option. But ten people? Now eleven? Within two years?

Califia sat back in her seat. The rest of her time there long. And painful.

###

N'Jobu sat with Erik at his great-grandmother's kitchen table as he watched his son disassemble yet another one of his robotic toys. Erik had figured out a way to hack into the software of the original robotic programming and rebuild a new larger robot combining four different toys and the pieces of scrap metal his grandfather found for him. He placed the final pieces of the disassembled robot onto the final product.

Erik routed power to his new creation with a handheld and tried to get the strange-looking franken-robot to pick up a mug filled with tea and raise it up to N'Jobu's mouth. A set of spoons and a fork sat on the dining table waiting to be used by the robot to lift up a scoop of fruit loops and pick up sliced mango pieces.

"Be still, Baba." Erik said moving the levers in his hand.

N'Jobu sat still, but the tea mug didn't seem secure in the robot hand as small drops of the liquid spilled from the cup.

"I'm still, Son," he said trying not to laugh as the robot hand grew more unsteady.

"Stop laughing at it, you'll hurt the Daka 3000's feelings," Erik said.

"Oh, you changed its name again. Won't your mother be upset? The Cali 3000 was a nice-sounding name."

"Inventors name things after themselves."

"Why not JaJa 3000?"

"Too soft-sounding. The Daka in my middle name sounds hardcore…Baba, c'mon, be still!"

N'Jobu was leaning back in his seat, his hands up to catch the mug if it dropped.

"I have to perfect this by next week to be ready."

"Is Walter entering the science fair?"

"Yeah, he's working on something."

"You're not going to tell me about it?"

"It's boring."

"Don't say that about your friend."

"It is!"

"Tell me about it."

The robotic arm made it up to the front of N'Jobu's face with the mug. Erik did his best to ease it closer, but it was too jerky. He took a pause and stared at N'Jobu.

"He's making a display of fabrics that can be used to make flak jackets. Bulletproof—"

"So military science—"

"No, clothes for kids. So they won't be shot dead in school."

Whoa.

N'Jobu stared at Erik.

"He's really doing that?"

"Yeah. Lame."

"I don't think it's lame…just…that's pretty hardcore, Son."

"Compared to this? I'm creating a robot that can help the elderly in their homes. Open their pill bottles when they can't, feed them, and help put things away…but Walter's anti-kill clothes is hardcore. Serious Baba?"

"You both have created hardcore things."

"Kids shouldn't have to make clothes like that."

"I agree—"

"Like, make clothes that can let you fly or something…"

Frustrated, Erik snatched the mug from the robot's hand.

"I can't get this to move smoother. I'll have to take it apart. Wish I could get some nanobots for this…"

"Do you want to try the spoon or fork again? That did really well."

"Nah. Thanks for being my experimental human."

"Glad to be of help. Do me a favor though."

"Yeah?"

"Be supportive of Walter. He's trying to make something to help other children. Grown-ups are the blame for that, and it's a shame that a child his age wants to make something like that because we suck, but he is doing something he thinks is a good thing. Support that."

Erik stared at him and nodded his head.

"Who knows, maybe you both will make it to the Stark Expo. That would be exciting."

Erik grinned.

He was so determined to make his robot work. Not just for the Expo.

For Nana Jean.

His son's great-grandmother was ailing. Today she was having a good day and strong enough to make a Friday night fish fry. Relatives were coming over, and everyone was determined to make it a joyous evening of good food and family fun.

N'Jobu could see that the older woman was having a hard time with her health. Her once vibrant face was appearing a bit dull the last few months, and her already thin frame was looking gaunter. She was experiencing bouts of anger when she couldn't do a lot of things by herself like she used to. Like driving. She was having trouble with her hands, periodic shakiness and pain making it difficult for her on some days. But not today. Today she was cooking with the assistance of Erik and N'Jobu.

Erik picked up the tools he used to tweak the wires on his robot when he suddenly reached out and tapped on N'Jobu's kimoyo beads.

"It's lighting up, Baba!"

N'Jobu saw the emergency silver lighting on his beads. They warmed up his wrist.

"I've never seen that color before," Erik said, his eyes glued to his wrist.

The past three years he had told his son his beads were like mood rings and could change colors at will. But he was right. Silver was a new color. Silver was a signal from his fellow rogue War Dogs. Something was wrong.

"Clean this up, and we'll start making the batter for the fish and shrimp," he said.

Pushing back from the table, N'Jobu headed to a guest bedroom, Junie's old room, and locked the door.

"D'Beke," N'Jobu said, watching the man's shape hover over his wrist.

"We have found Klaue. He is ready to move into Wakanda. The time has come your Highness."

N'Jobu shut his eyes and sat on the guest bed.

"Send out a code three, and make sure all cells are on code. No more communications until you all hear from me. Understand? Send me Klaue's contact. We have to be…we have to be…D'Beke if anyone acts suspicious…end them."

"Yes, Prince N'Jobu."

D'Beke winked out and N'Jobu felt his body tremble with excitement and nervous energy.

The time had come to act. No more planning. Action.

"Wakanda Forever," he whispered.

###

Califia felt beyond stuffed. She rubbed her belly from all the shrimp she consumed. Hot, juicy, greasy, salty-sweet delicious shellfish fresh from the skillet. N'Jobu rubbed his belly and Califia watched Erik help Nana Jean fry up more shrimp in cornmeal batter this round.

"Nana. I can't eat anymore," she said.

Nana dropped shrimp into a fry strainer and Erik lowered it and stood back when the grease popped. Nana dropped more shrimp into the bowl filled with the batter.

"Someone will," Nana said, her frame so much smaller from how Califia always saw her as a little girl. She felt it deep down. No one else in the family wanted to say it outright, and Nana Jean was not forthcoming with her health, but Califia knew. Her great-grandmother was battling something and trying so hard to stay on the earth for Erik. That was her child. He may have come out of Califia's body, but Erik was her baby

Erik's mind was set on going to the Stark Expo in New York. He had come so close last year, making it to a semi-final status and receiving a signed certificate from Tony Stark himself. She and N'Jobu had to nurse him through a mini-temper tantrum when he didn't get to be a finalist. He pouted for weeks and wouldn't even hang up his certificate in his room that Nana Jean had framed for him. N'Jobu had to have a sit down with him and remind him of how many people, children, and adults had submitted projects and didn't even make it to the quarter-finals. She remembered the title of his abstract too, "Novel Subtle Acoustic Communication: Successful Elucidation of the Cryptic Ecology of Runner Plant Bugs with Emphasis on Their Stridulatory Mechanisms". He spent three months capturing the faint sound of bugs. Bugs that he had crawling all over his bedroom when a few escaped by accident. She shivered at the memory.

Califia had to chime in and show him the certificate.

"Tony Stark really signed this. A busy man like him took the time to sign something acknowledging your hard work. You should be proud of yourself."

It wasn't until Erik went online to see how many people had entered projects did his own parent's words kick in. There were only twenty-five semi-finalists for his category and his face beamed when he announced, "Just over half a million people entered globally."

For the new year, he switched from acoustics to robotics hoping to be a finalist. And he focused on something more personal, and close to home: Nana Jean.

That big ole heart of his wanted to make his Nana as self-sufficient for as long as possible with a personal elder care robot.

N'Jobu watched her closely after she rubbed her belly and caught his eye. Her mood hadn't been the best when she arrived at the house. The meeting at Rolita's was tough on her psyche and she almost opted to go home and sleep until her grandmother called Rolita reminding her to bring her daughter Neveah.

Erik's cousins and Neveah ran around the front room while Erik cooked at the stove.

"JaJa, go be with the other kids, I'll help Nana."

Erik nodded and she watched her grandmother pat his head.

"Nana, for reals, I don't think anyone else can eat more. Take a break and spend time out front too."

"Dayclean is still eating," she said.

"I am done, Nana. Go relax, we'll take care of all of this."

N'Jobu stood up and cleared the dishes left on the table as a few of Califia's Uncles cleaned up after themselves before heading to the den to watch TV.

"You good?" N'Jobu asked.

"Better."

"Erik told me you looked upset leaving your session today. Want to talk about it?"

"It was nothing serious…really. I was just feeling a way. Venting."

"Did it help?"

"I think so."

He rinsed dishes and stacked them in the new dishwasher they bought for Nana three years ago once they saw she had trouble with her hands.

She finished putting leftovers in the fridge and when she looked at N'Jobu again, his gentle eyes broke her down.

"Let's go in the back," he said when he saw her eyes well up with water.

The house was busy and no one paid them any mind going to the back guestroom. It was quiet back there. N'Jobu locked the door and they both sat on the bed.

Califia wiped her eyes.

"He is too much like me. And I am afraid for him."

"Califia—"

She touched his hand.

"His quick temper. His anxiety. His need to be in control…this compulsion to make things perfect…it's not healthy…and living here, and seeing Lia…I have damaged him."

N'Jobu stayed quiet and she was grateful. Over the years he had to learn how to let her talk things out and not try to offer immediate solutions as he was want to do all the time. She just needed to be heard. Just wanted to let her words linger openly so she could work through her pain.

"I worry about how he will deal with the trauma later in life. Kids bounce back. I know this. Better than adults. But he…you know this about him…he feels too deeply. This world will break his heart N'Jobu. People like that suffer more than most."

N'Jobu continued to listen as he held her hand.

"I worry about him. I told Dr. Davis this. I worry that he has inherited my pain. I pray and pray that he can be more like you, like…if I could take the worst aspects of myself and remove that from his DNA—"

"Stop."

N'Jobu's eyes were watery. He stroked her face.

"I don't want you thinking like this. I don't want you to carry this in your heart. Take parts of you out of him? He wouldn't be who he is without those parts of you. I know I'm supposed to let you feel what you feel, but my son…our son? He is perfect. He is his own person. That is an Udaku Prince out there and you make him perfect. Understand?"

"I want to believe you, I might believe you if…."

"If what?"

"If you would take us to Wakanda. It has to be safer and better there. You heard what Rolita told you at dinner. It's bad out here. You heard about Walter's science project. Fuck is that? Fuck kind of world are we living in. How can we protect Erik? What if something happens to him? What if something happens to us? Who would take care of him? Who would be capable of caring for a child like ours? Huh? Tell me."

"Babe—"

"Why won't you take us away from here? My baby is a Prince. He deserves to live in a world without fear, or where his best friend doesn't make bulletproof t-shirts for his peers. Don't you want him to have the life you had growing up?"

N'Jobu pulled her in with a tight hug when the tears really started flowing down her face. She was so tired.

"My love, don't cry, please…don't cry…"

It was the same quiet fight they had over the years. His refusal to take them home.

They weren't welcome. She knew this. Deep down they were not wanted in his world, and yet it was the only one that could save them. And she didn't understand why he prevented them from contact. Not even a visit. Their son was learning Wakandan. Memorized their alphabet. Practiced writing his name, even practiced a little speech he wanted to give in front of his royal grandparents when they would meet. Even had a gift he made for his cousin Prince T'Challa, a little necklace that would hold secret-coded messages between them.

And yet…

Here they sat with her crying about it once more.

They left the bedroom and joined the rest of the family to eat pound cake and watch Wheel of Fortune, everyone shouting at the tv their guess's at the puzzles. Neveah and Erik giggled like crazy whenever her father Dante guessed words that clearly were made up to make them laugh.

Once they returned home, Erik put away his robot, and she and N'Jobu dressed for bed. They allowed Erik to lounge in bed with them until it became way past his bedtime. She caught that mood from N'Jobu that he wanted to make love, but Erik kept prolonging his stay in their bed by negotiating for extra time with them. They allowed him to watch another half hour of the SyFy channel until he was knocked out and snoring with his head resting on Califia's stomach.

"Hey, buddy, time to wake up," N'Jobu said nudging Eric gently on the shoulder.

"Thirty more minutes," Erik whispered, his eyes wide as if he hadn't been snoring a minute ago.

"So you can sleep again? Go to sleep in your room. I need some Mommy time," N'Jobu said. He started pushing Erik away from Califia.

"Mom!" Erik whined pushing N'Jobu's hands away and trying to stay on her stomach.

"It's two in the morning, JaJa," Califia said stroking his braids.

"Then I should be able to stay since the sun will be up in five hours."

"If you don't get," N'Jobu said pulling on one of Erik's braids.

"Ow, Baba! I know why you really want me gone…you wanna kiss Mom and do the nasty!"

"Boy!" Califia said, a shocked expression on her face as she play slapped his arm.

"Yes, now get," N'Jobu said.

"I can't believe that came out of your mouth," Califia said.

"Why are you being embarrassed?" Erik teased.

"Time for you to get out of grown folks business," Califia said lifting him off of her stomach.

Erik finally rolled over and stood from their bed.

"Y'all some haters, man, for real," he said.

His dimples melted her.

"Who is this child? Where is my sweet JaJa?" she said.

Erik leaned back over the bed and kissed her cheek.

"Night Mom," he said.

"Night, Baby. Sleep well," she answered.

Erik gave his father a sly look as he sauntered out of their room backward.

"I'll just close this so I can get some rest," he said as he grabbed their doorknob and shut it behind him.

"Okay, maybe we should take some of your DNA out of him," N'Jobu said as he wiggled out of his pajama bottoms.

"That was all you, nigga," she said staring as he pulled his t-shirt over his head.

He tugged on her nightgown and she brushed his hands away.

"We can't do it now," she said glancing at the bedroom door.

"Why not?'

"Because he knows that's what we're doing—"

"I don't care, just put the pillow over your mouth," he said pulling the bed covers back and raising up her gown to her hips. She widened her legs and allowed him to lick her vulva slowly, but then she felt self-conscious. Kept glancing at their bedroom door making her stomach tense.

"I can't, not yet," she whispered.

"Babe, stop being silly. I want to make you feel good after a tough day…shit…pussy wet already."

His tongue rested just under her clit as her ring poked out from the engorgement of the slick bud. He gave light pulses there and her legs shot up, her thighs falling open.

"Get the lube," he said stroking his dick.

Reaching into her drawer she pulled out cherry flavored lube. She coated her vulva and opened her wet inner lips for him.

Tongue darting in and out and smearing his lips with her arousal, Califia held N'Jobu's head.

"Let's just do a quickie," she said.

"Quickie, longie, I just need to be in my pussy," he said shifting his body to line up with hers. He inserted his erection and she gasped out loud.

"I'm about to fuck you real good," he hissed in her ear.

Califia stuffed her left hand over her mouth as her right arm held his shoulder in a death grip.

"God, baybee—"

"Mmmmm—"

"Wait, not so hard, the headboard is banging against the wall—"

"Fuck that wall—"

"The noise—"

N'Jobu lifted up and watched his dick slide into her.

They had been working and caring for Nana Jean and Erik so much that it had been a couple of weeks since they had last had sex. And this quickie was just what they needed. If N'Jobu didn't waste any time kissing her, she knew he was desperate to get in her stuff. He couldn't go very long without some sexual contact with her.

"Look at your dick, Jobu," she encouraged, his face so intent on watching her pussy grip his length. His dick was shiny, his dark coloring magnificent. She felt sorry for people who couldn't have Black dick like this filling them up. He was ready to split her in two. She needed this. Needed him. Needed to get her mind off of her troubles.

He pulled out and positioned himself on his side behind her. His hands gripped her breasts but her gown kept slipping down.

"Take it off," he said and she removed it over her head and tossed it on the side.

White light under the door.

Erik was still up.

Califia dropped her head to one of her pillows and bit into it. She could hear how gushy her pussy was, could hear N'Jobu trying his best to keep his voice down but to no avail.

"Damn…damn…," N'Jobu grunted, his hands tightening around her breasts.

"Yes, baby."

"I missed this pussy, girl. We gotta stop playing and make time for us…oh shit…"

"Jobu—"

"Where you want it, baby? I'm ready to cum…oh…Califia…where you want this nut?"

"In my mouth," she said.

"Okay…okay….," he panted.

He kept stroking his dick in her pussy, hitting the side of her walls hard.

His pace picked up, and for a second she thought he would cum inside her because he didn't seem willing to leave her hot folds.

"Turn around!" he shouted.

Yanking out of her, he stroked his thickness as she turned around and lowered her face to his cock.

"Open your mouth…oh shit…baby open your mouth!"

Mouth Open. Tongue out.

N'Jobu slapped his dick on her tongue, his eyes swimming with an all-consuming carnality. Her own fingers plucked at her clit and when his release splashed all in her mouth, she gulped his cum down as her sugar walls clenched from an intense orgasm.

She swallowed everything he gave her, and he spent some time licking between her legs again and giving her another orgasm.

She was about to enjoy the third orgasm from his mouth when a brilliant blue light spilled under their bedroom door.

"N'Jobu!" she cried out.

He turned his head and saw the brilliant fluorescent blue. His eyes shifted in a way she had never seen before.

He leaped up and put on his pajama bottoms. She threw her gown back on and followed him out of their bedroom.

Erik's bedroom door was open, the dazzling blue array coming from there.

"Erik!" N'Jobu shouted.

Their son stood in the middle of his bedroom. N'Jobu's Wakandan beads were on his wrist, the blue light bleeding out from it.

"Baba!"

Erik tried pressing down on a bead.

"Don't do anything else!" N'Jobu said.

But it was too late.

Erik twisted one of the beads and the brilliant blue light filled the entire room and a large holographic image floated above Erik's wrist.

A street scene.

People walking on elevated sidewalks.

Space ships flying in the air.

Black people dressed in ways they had never seen before.

"N'Jobu, what is this? What is that?" she whispered with awe in her voice.

Erik's eyes studied the images and he took his free hand and stuck it inside the field of blue light. It expanded and different color-rich scenes played like a series of split screens spinning in a circle.

A cityscape.

And a futuristic structure that looked like a double palace…

"It's Wakanda," Erik said.

His fingers flicked an image up over his head. It looked like a billboard advertising a car they had never seen before in the world. The lettering was all Wakandan.

Erik's bright eyes stared at her.

"It's Baba's home!"

###

Chapter 24

Tag List”

@fd-writes @soufcakmistress @cherrystainedlipsbaby @tclaybon @thadelightfulone @allhailqueennel @bartierbakarimobisson @cpwtwot @shookmcgookqueen @yoyolovesbucky @raysunshine78 @the-illllest @terrablaze514 @l-auteuse @amirra88 @jimizwidow @janelledarling @chaneajoyyy @sweetestdream92 @purple-apricots @blackpinup22 @hennessystevens-udaku @scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @bugngiz @stariamrry @honeytoffee

#black boys bloom thorns first volume 2 #n'jobu #n'jadaka #erik stevens #black panther fanfiction #black panther smut #killmonger #when killmonger was a boy

20 notes · View notes

i-am-masterkittens · 4 years

Note

You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ‘school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes.

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

1 note · View note

bl00d-cherry · 4 years

Text

(Warning: If you are sensitive to the topic of school shootings or just guns, violence and gore this may just not be the one for you.)

————————————————————

CHAPTER 1.

These last two day have been... I really don't know how to put it, but 'strange' is the first thing that comes to mind. I've never been the superstitious type, but with each new problem that arises, I feel myself sinking further into the utter absurdity of my situation. So, after being a long-time lurker on this sub, I'm looking to you guys for help.

Some backstory- my name's Hiro, and I'm in tenth grade at some shitty, run-down high school near my house. My town has never really been one to have a lot of crime save for the gas station robbery here and there, but the kids are mean. And when I say mean, I mean that I've come home with black eyes I needed to hide more times than I care to admit. It's no biggie, though- I started bulking up last year for lacrosse and no-one seems to mess with me much anymore. That seemed to be the case with everyone transitioning from middle to high school, which was a pleasant surprise to all the teachers who preached anti-bullying but never did anything to rectify the problems. I guess they were happy that they didn't have to do the work involved with catching bullies anymore (as if they did it at all). Well, I wish I could say that it was a decent transition for everyone, but I'd be lying.

There's this kid I have some history with. Not bad history, per se, but enough so that I could know and recognize him on the street. Hell, we were in the same 5th-grade class. I liked the kid, I really did- he had dark humor that I found funny and he knew how to sit in a comfortable silence. I wish we could've become better friends; maybe this whole thing could've been avoided. Anyway, I'll call this kid K, for the sake of privacy, or if there's ever a case. Not that there would be.

Some backstory- in middle school, K was the silent, broody type. Y'know, like the emo kid who makes world war II jokes every four seconds and browses Reddit and, at that time, iFunny. Listened to either death metal or X, no in-between. It would be unfair of me to not include that, in those years, I was pretty much the same- I had developed mental health issues and didn't know how to deal with it, so my brain went, "oh, no woke time," and I started making those stupid Bart Simpson edits with the vaporwave over them, you know the ones. But K was on a whole different level. Like I'm talking straight up Boku no Pico at lunch, drawing very bad vent art just to cross out the eyes, stuff like that.To a degree, it was amusing to me. I found him fascinating, and even through my "girls only backstab " faze, I can detach myself enough to look at him through the lense of a man looking through the glass at the monkey exhibit at the zoo- just observing.

Except, this monkey literally got beaten to a pulp every other day.

It had gotten to the point where the kids around him were desensitized to it. Maybe it was because of his naturally standoffish nature, but nobody ever helped him. The few times I tried to report what was happening, the teachers told me they'd look into it and nothing ever happened. I even went to the principal when it got especially bad, and he just brushed it off as "boys will be boys". Yeah, like literally psychologically traumatizing a boy for three-plus years of his life can constitute as boys just being boys. I remember the first time he tried to commit suicide. Apparently he'd been planning it for months and brought a rope to school with him on the excuse that it was for a project. When I saw him leave with his backpack for the bathroom, I got a bad feeling and asked if I could go too. I was the one to talk this kid down from hanging himself on a railing right outside the school's bathroom. And, sadly, I can't say it was my last time doing so. He tried three more times throughout his middle school career, and I tried to tell people, I tried to let people know, but nothing came of it. It was as if nobody cared for him in the slightest- maybe that's why he did what he did.

I digress, though- highschool only got worse for him. I remember on the first day of school after summer break, he gave me a grin in the hall. This was odd- he looked better. Happy, even. I found out later that he'd gone to therapy throughout the summer, had been working out, and taking antidepressants, but none of those proved to work in the long run, in my opinion. But I remember later, seeing that same depressed, dejected expression plastered on his face later on after having curdled milk poured into his backpack and his hoodie. I had tried to go over and help him clean it, but he gave me a weak smile and told me not to worry about it.

Every time something happened, I could see him reverting further and further into the boy he used to be, until yesterday, on October 28th, 2019. That's where the backstory ends and the real shit I've been going through begins.

That morning, he'd texted me that we didn't have school that day. I had been confused, seeing as he hadn't texted me in over a year- he preferred to talk face to face or, rather, not at all- and asked my mom, who was a teacher at the elementary school down the road. She told me that yes, there was a school, and that I was going. Damn. I texted back, word for word, "lmao nah there's school and we've got that test in Wayne's class, remember"

He left me on read. Even more confused than before, I decided to brush it off and get ready.

That was probably the gravest mistake I'd ever made.

These next parts are somewhat graphic, and though I won't be showing pictures (I don't think even I would be able to handle them) I would definitely skip if you're blood-shy or something like that. Because this is a count-for-count recollection of the worst day of my fucking life.

He wasn't in Wayne's first period. I was confused at first, seeing as I'd told him that school was being held today and that he had to be there for the test, but figured he just didn't want to come and stayed home to study for an extra day. I sat down and resigned myself to my fate of flunking this test, but I never got that far. Halfway through the Pledge of Allegiance, the office lady with the most boring voice imaginable stopped talking with a small gasp. We heard the rustling of movement in the background, and then concealed 'pop'. There was a cry of pain (or fear, or both) and then another three 'pop's, then a thump, ragged, gurgling breathing coming in through the loudspeaker.

We, the overtired, overworked, and pessimistic high school students that we were, chuckled at what we thought was just a stupid joke designed to scare us. It was October, after all. But after a few more moments and a few more pops and a few more screams that just had to be fake, we heard the faintest, last-breath tinged voice of the woman over the loudspeaker one last time.

"Ac-ctive sho-ooter... code... hhh... red... 911..."

My teacher stopped flipping through the textbook and looked up at the loudspeaker as if the woman were laying right in front of us, heaving her last breaths in such utter pain and agony and still finding it in herself to warn the rest of the school.To say that pandemonium broke out would be an understatement. Mr. Wayne quickly turned off the lights and shoved us all into the corner of the room. We sat there, huddled, while people texted their parents goodbye. I was no different. The texts from that day are gone now, but to surmise it, it went:

To Parental Unit #1 (that's my mom) and Parental Unit #2 (my dad)

Me: there's an active shooter in the building

Me: I don't know if ill make it out alive

Parental Unit #1: What??

Me: i love you

Parental Unit #1: Call me now, Hiro

Me: I can't

Parental Unit #1: This isn't funny, Hiro.

Parental Unit #1: Hiro, respond now.

Me: i'm not joking

Me: I need to turn off my phone i hear shots from down the hall

Parental Unit #1: Don't get off the phone.

Me: i love you mom

Me: dad i love you

Parental Unit #1: Hiro

Parental Unit #1: Hiro, text back right now

Parental Unit #1: Are you okay?

Parental Unit #1: I love you.

My dad didn't talk. I think he was at work or something and didn't have time to look at the messages, but I wondered if he watched the live broadcast of the thing. I put my phone in my hoodie the minute I heard a pop from outside our door, and I closed my eyes as if it would make it all go away. Girls were crying beside me and the other guys in my class were freaking out, low-key. But the moment I heard the door to the classroom beside us being kicked in and the screams of students cut off by gunshots, an eerie calm washed over me and I stood up, pushing the desks to blockade the door. A couple of other guys and Mr. Wayne caught on and helped me out, retreating back to our spot when we finished.

The bootfalls thumped nearer to our door with each slow, agonizing second. The door handle shook as the shooter tried to use the conventional way of getting in, but after that proved fruitless, he started trying to kick his way in, like he did the last room. A girl a couple of feet away from me sobbed about how she didn't want to die and one of them peed her pants. A guy retched in the corner and a couple of kids had their phones out, recording. I thought to do the same, for evidence, and pulled out my phone.

After a couple seconds of kicking, I heard a frustrated yell outside of the door. It sounded so familiar, and then the gun clacked against the window, the eye through the scope aiming directly next to me, and the trigger was pulled. The bullet flew past me, skimming my ear and lodging in the forehead of a guy Chris, I think his name was, blood pooling around his girlfriend's legs. I remember looking through the door's window as the scope came down off the guy's face and meeting K's eyes. Everything was so numb- I couldn't even feel the blood in my ear. His expression darkened when he saw me and he took one more shot- one that would hit the girl who'd peed her pants in the arm- and ran to the next classroom.

I was frozen. I didn't know how to move. And yet, my camera stayed in place, having caught every single moment of the boy's death in his girlfriend's arms, of this girl's agony having gotten shot in the arm, and all of my utter fear the moment I saw K.

Later, as we were being led outside by the SWAT teams, I took a look around, peering into the classrooms out of sheer morbid curiosity. I regretted looking- it was an absolute massacre. Teachers, students, dead in a place where they should be safe, less than a year after Stoneman Douglas, which was just twenty minutes away. My parents stood outside, holding each other and looking desperately, tearfully, for me, their son, to come out- dead or alive. Seeing that look of pure relief on their faces the moment they saw me- me, both mine and the boy's blood all over my clothes, my hands bruised and scratched from moving the desks, my eyes wild and scared- made me want to cry. But I just can't- nothing would come out.

After, I got asked questions by the cops. What do you recall? I gave them my video. Do you have any injuries? Pointed to my ear and they got it patched up easily. Did you know the shooter? Yes. Who were they? K.

That night was spent mostly at the police station, but my parents got me out of there in time for them to take me home and make me dinner. I couldn't eat it- the metallic smell of blood and urine and sweat and primal fear still lingered in my nose and on my skin and in my mind, so I told them that I wasn't hungry and that I needed to shower.The news said that there were 32 casualties. 32 kids, teachers, killed. They'd detained K and had him in custody. He would be awaiting trial for a little while at least.After eating a meager dinner of half a piece of fish and water, I said I wanted to go to bed at around 11:00. Seeing as I was the one to stay up as late as I humanly could, my parents were concerned (well, more concerned than they already were) but put it up to the shock. I went to bed with tears in my eyes and fell into a fitful sleep, plagued with dreams of death.

The next morning is where things get... odd. Well, odder. The next morning, my alarm went off as usual. I went to silence it, as there definitely wouldn't be school today with everything that had happened and rolled over, but my mom came in.

Mom: Hiro, you're gonna be late for school, get up.

I looked up at her with confusion. I wondered why she was making me get up, and wondered for a moment if everything was just a bad dream. But then I brushed my hand across my ear and winced, looking down at my raw palms. Nope, definitely not a dream.Not wanting to look weird, though, I got up and got dressed as normal. I couldn't shake the feeling, though, that I just couldn't be at school. I couldn't be there- the blood that stained the walls, the corpses had to still be here- it was a crime scene, for Pete's sake. But, even so, my mom drove me to school and dropped me off, kissing me on the cheek like everything was normal. I walked slowly into Wayne's classroom, looking around fearfully. Kids were sat down working on whatever was on the board, and it looked like a full house of students save for one. The guy who'd been killed yesterday, Chris, wasn't there. It's not like he had an empty seat, but more so that he didn't have a seat at all. I saw K sitting in his usual desk right next to me and he looked up, his eyes full of knowing. I hoped he didn't know I knew too.

Mr. Wayne: What are you doing, Mr. Hamada? Sit down.

I hesitantly did so and made a point to shift away from K as humanly possible.

The girl who'd gotten shot in the arm yesterday now looked good as new, smiling at me with a faint blush covering her cheeks. "I can't believe you actually bombed the test that badly," she giggled, a hand coming over to cover her mouth. I chuckled along with her for a moment, confused and afraid.

Me: Do you happen to know where Chris is?

She got confused by this. Her: Chris? Beurganthol?

Me: No, the one in our class.

Her: Uh, we don't have a Chris in our class. You must be thinking of something else, sorry.

This caught me off guard. I looked over at his former girlfriend and she was talking with her friends, even flirting with one of the guys in her group, without a care in the world. What in the hell was actually going on here?The classroom fell into a sea of low murmurs and I decided to block it all out, trying to reset my brain for a moment by listening to music. I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched. Hard. I looked up and K pulled back when he saw the fear in my eyes.

His own eyes narrowed and he peered at me analytically.

K: You know, don't you?

1 note · View note

foxesareforbiddencats · 5 years

Text

I work with this little old lady.

Let's just call her Rose because shes sweet. I love Rose. She's a little slower than most at work, and she tends to ask me questions instead of my manager, but overall shes cool. She speeds on the highway and does funny things.

Today we talked about some darker topics as we worked. She had said she needed some time off because her only son was having a mental health struggle and I asked if he was okay. She said hed lost three good friends to suicide within a short period of time and I told her about my friend who comitted in 8th grade and what resources I used to cope. Grief counseling mostly. But I struggled because my dad was an asshole about the whole thing. Didnt have any respect for her, refused to let me go to her funeral, told me people who self harmed were selfish and disgusting. It came out that I also self harmed in that argument and it didnt go well. She was horrified by his reaction. I sighed and explained that was just him. My dad was not understanding about my mental health, or my physical health. I'm sensitive to certain laundry soaps and the color dye blue, and when I eat some textures they make me throw up. I have borderline personality disorder, which includes depression and anxiety. I have displayed self harming behaviours since I was small. He constantly bullied me. He would say things like 'your stomach is bigger than your chest' in demeaning ways when I was in 7th grade and call me and my bio mom cows, called me lazy, selfish, etc. When I spent all my free time tutoring my sisters and raising the baby... We lived in an unhealthy relationship with his wife, my step mom, and he refused to acknowledge what I told him about it. Rose asked me how it affected me today and I told her. Im trying to get custody of my half sister as DHS is involved with them, I work four jobs so I cant be called lazy or told i dont get enough exercise. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I hear him criticizing me. I told her its permanent. What he said to me when I lived with him will stick with me for life.

Rose said she was sorry I had to deal with people like that, and asked if it affected me in other ways. I said yes. It added to my mistrust of men. And dont get me wrong. I like some guys. I like the sweet guys who recognize I have feelings and emotions and understand health needs. I like the guys who are goofballs and play video games and read and watch anime and like to hang out with me because I'm their friend. Not because they're attracted to me. I've had boyfriends. I have friends who are boys. But few.

On top of my dad, I've had an uncle make sexual advances towards me when I was small, watched other uncles manipulate their wives and children, buy their love, and reduce them to nothing so that when my aunts need out of the relationship, they have no confidence, no money, and feel like they have no help. I've had boys try to light me on fire, boys bully my and steal my things so I would get in trouble for losing them. Boys that said I wasnt smart enough pretty enough or just not enough. I just have a really hard time with men it seems.

Rose then asked if I had a boyfriend and I cautiously said no, I have a girlfriend. And god... the way her eyes lit up and the big grin she got on her face. I'm really scared to tell anyone about my sexuality, because I've had a lot of people tell me I have no business dating a girl. But she seemed so happy to hear that and I must've looked shocked. She said 'oh I'm just so proud of you. After all you've been through, I dont blame you one bit for being nervous. And if she makes you happy, if she makes you feel good, that's all that matters'. And the absolute relief and joy that I felt was uplifting. Rose is my favorite person in the world. She didnt tell me I was ridiculous for being scared of men. She didnt tell me I shouldnt be with girls. She just said hey, it's okay. As long as it makes you happy. She was more supportive than most of my family. I just think that proves that sometimes, you'll have people you love and care about in your life who hurt you and drag you down, but you dont need that. You will make new relationships with kind and inviting people, people who will make you feel valid, important, and loved.

Anyways. Sorry for the sad TMI at the beginning but I wanted to dedicate a post to Rose. Thanks Rose for being so amazing.

2 notes · View notes

mexamix · 5 years

Text

Trigger Warning

Suicide, Guilt, Death, Toxic Relationship, Counseling, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Dissociation, Sexual Assualt.

1) I do need a professional counselor or therapist

2) This past weekend proved it - March of 2019

3) I will find one in my own time

4) This will not be coherent (most likely)

5) I don't need to talk here, needed to write.

6) I quit my job of over 5.5 years, on a whim, over this weekend, because even in my mental state I knew it wasn't good for me. But I hurt the people I was trying to not to

Tumblr has been and always will be a happy place for me - I understand that it's not for everyone, and it's the least furthest thing from perfect. But it's how I found who I feel to be the love of my life. It's where I can make new friends with a simple hello, and we don't have to talk every day, and that's okay. It's where I can express and explore every part of myself, and I can be safe. I can love myself as much as I want, explore mental health, become aware of different perspectives, and have my eyes opened to how the world and the people around me are hurting. It has the potential to be an incredible place for every walk of life.

And on this blog, the one that started it all, I feel safe to write posts like this.

I have had a happy life. Raised by wonderful people. Live in a quiet town that actually raised me to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. I love to travel. When I have a job, any job, I give it my all. I am also ridiculously creative, in so many ways, you should hear the mental list of ideas I have. I finally found exercise I like. I love to cook. I have many wonderful friends from all different walks of life. Graduated college "on time." Loved by everyone, and if I'm not, please let me make it right. Don't be mad at me. Please don't hate me. Please don't leave me.

I have no control. It was too much.

I am always growing and learning - in fact, I am so "grown up," I recently friended everyone on Facebook at once! Old friends that I'm ecstatic are doing well, mended broken fences, I even forgave my parents! My mom of all people! Everything is great! I'm finally feeling like myself again!

Oh she wants to talk. Oh she's liking my pictures. She's commenting. Again and again and again and again and AGAIN FUCK WHY IS HER NAME EVERYWHERE.

My parents divorced when I was a kid. They were "high school sweethearts." Mom never showed up to the custody court hearing. And I've never asked my dad to tell me everything that happened from his perspective.

Because they left me

They abandoned me

They didn't want to raise me

She was never a real fucking mother and I had to see her every other damn weekend.

And the minute I didn't have to legally be in her presence, my dad started bringing over girlfriends that looked just like her.

Acted like her.

Felt like her.

Left the same bad taste in my mouth.

I don't want to be my mother.

I had a wonderful childhood...aced every test, took it semi-okay (not really) when I didn't get good a good grade in college, but still graduated with honors! I can live anywhere I want with my experience and degree!

Oh but my grandparents have a lot of health issues.

My boyfriend will move up here and leave everything...for me.

why do I have to leave? This safe little town, it has so many good memories, we can have a life here, I can buy a house, I can have the CLASSIC AMERICAN DREAM. I CAN WORK EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK WITH NO TIME FOR MYSELF OR LOVED ONES. I CAN FIX IT. NOTHING'S WRONG.

I love to travel and I want to see the world - financially I cannot.

I was raised by my grandparents. They are my true parents. They love and support me no matter what. I was raised in a loving household. With good Christian values. But everyone hated my beliefs in high school, part of who I am. And I thought traditional was best. Why don't you drink? Oh you can't be GAY that's WRONG aren't you a GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL. Ewww you are way too clingy, back the fuck off, we're just friends, I don't *actually* like you. Why don't you let loose??? Have some fun! Be like us!

Why are you hanging out with that boy who said he likes you? Dude sure you had a wonderful first date, but do you know him?? He has NONE of the same interests as you! So what if he seems like a great guy!! Listen to us!!!!! WE KNOW BEST.

I wished I had just been friends with my "first" boyfriend. I wish we had never kissed. I wish I hadn't clung onto him because he was the first guy to supposedly not care how clingy he was.

I was sexually assaulted in high school. I had pushed my friends away, and I didn't know what to do. Or who to tell. No one else would like me, right?

I should've just been his friend.

My wonderful boyfriend and I recently had our five year anniversary - half of that was long distance. I live in a fairy tale!! He's got some giant surprise for me!! What's it going to be?? A trip? A proposal? A house? I get to meet every celebrity I follow????? All of the above?????

I am a highly sensitive person. I see details and patterns.

I work hard to have a good life.

I am not upper class, in fact if I lost my grandparents, I'd be "lower class" compared to society standards. But I like nice things, fancy things, shiny things, pretty things, let me spend all if my money because shopping is happy!!!! I have a job!!! I can buy whatever I want because I KNOW BEST and I HAVE MONEY and what's one more thing to add to the collection??? I'll always have money!!!

I have too much. I have no control. In "real life" I have no money if I lost everything.

Let me buy a house! Let's rent a house! I can DO it I can AFFORD it, it can be an INVESTMENT, I can't have all of the noise, I need pets, I need my own place I want it to be MINE I just need to GET OUT.

I had my first panic attack.

From my brain going into overdrive, and seeing details and patterns. Not trusting people. Couldn't sit still. But from feeling cared for. Then wondering if everyone around me knew something that I didn't. I get what I want right?? What do I want????? I can have EVERYTHING????? I can have FREEDOM??????????? What does everyone SEE that I'M MISSING???

the effects are just now starting to wear off I guess. I've been to two doctors. But I was delusional, thinking I was okay when I wasn't, hurting those around me, dissociating multiple times, screaming at my boyfriend, terrified to talk to the doctors, overly angry, absent, happy, manic.

ever since the first time I dissociated, I've felt like while there's more love and support every day, the country they I live in is no longer my home.

I became aware of how Dissociation felt the night of the 2016 election.

Watch what you say. Who you piss off. Nothing is safe. Safe places are childish. Act "normal." no DON'T try and have a relationship with that person STOP STOP STOP it's TOO MUCH you'll LOSE THEM you need to get out out out, somewhere safe, DON'T BE YOURSELF JUST GET OUT DAMMIT.

apartments are scary. loud men are scary. people not believing the minorites, are scary. this country is scary. not remembering things, it's incredibly scary.

not having any self-worth....is terrifying.

My first "boyfriend" committed suicide.

This was years ago. I thought I was over him. I was sad, because I knew he had a hard life too. I tried to be his friend when he messaged me, but I didn't know how. I was still a young adult. Inexperienced. What was I supposed to do??? I didn't read the signs!! I could've helped him if I'd just KNOWN. AND NOW HE'S GONE.

I needed to block his Facebook from myself, because it's still up. I'm reminded of all of the good times. How he only sexually assulted me, he didn't actually *rape* me, that's different, I was *lucky* that he didn't rape me in that house alone when the only person who knew where I was TRUSTED me!! I told them to go. It was fine.

I was lucky. I didn't know what a Toxic Relationship was.

and when I went to try and block his Facebook, I found his memorial page, made by good friends.

He was such a good person. Don't talk bad about the death. Just remember the *good* times. No bad times. It's so sweet! I should *contribute* something!!! Remember all of the GOOD times we had??????? There was never ANYTHING bad!

I had my first panic attack, I was sleep deprived, and the terrifying effects are just now wearing off.

I almost had another one just seeing that Facebook page and feeling like I should contribute.

I am lucky. But I have a past, just like everyone else. And no one needs to know everything. But I need professional help, and rest, and time to myself. But the thought of people leaving because of something I did, or how I acted...it never should've gotten to this point. But it did.

And while it doesn't excuse my actions, I hope it helps spread awareness of mental health and the effects of what high stress and anxiety can do to a person, as well as bring more awareness to the behaviors and mental conditions that can affect anyone, even when they can't just let the past go.

I am not a doctor. But I need to talk to a professional counselor, therapist, etc. No one deserves to deal with the effects of my mental state after what happened.

Please watch the YouTube channel Psych2go. It is accessible, free education about the different aspects of mental health, and the variables that go into it.

#suicide #death #mental health #text #me #personal #panic attack #please find a healthy outlet because i had abandoned all of mine #and it could've cost me everything #tw

4 notes · View notes

toabyssandbeyond · 5 years

Text

Getting into witchcraft&witchery journal day #14:

personal notes but feel free to read

Tarot reading about my deities&descriptions of them afterwards:

So since last time I shared my thoughts here, I started my Grimoire and have built 3 altars for the three deities I worship... but seeing as our connection have changed drastically over the years I wanted to get to know them better. I decided to make a tarot spread (1st image), only that instead of asking randomly, I decided to ask each at their own turn.

note: if you’ve read my last entry about the deities I worship you’ll know that they aren’t known by others and are pretty much private, although they have parallels in other religions.

First was the deity I call Lady Fate. This is one I believed in since pre-school as this was my interpretation of god... An entity that pre-decides people’s destinies or at least the major milestones.

1. The entity: King of Swords

The King of Swords is a symbol of intellectual power and authority, and has the courage and intellect to accomplish all that he desires. He represents judgement, command, and rulership. His character indicates the stern leadership of a judge, lawyer, or military commander whose emotions must be kept in check under the pressure of battle.

(which you could or could not say fits a deity of fate/destiny...)

2. Their history: Page of Wands

The Page of Wands is similar to the Fool in that he is a free spirit who represents change and new beginnings. He has a true passion for life, despite his understanding of this world is not yet fully developed. He has not yet been weighed down by the burdens of the material world, coming and going as he pleases, and usually encouraging change wherever he goes. He is like the catalyst that inspires changes that might be impossible in any other situation.

3. Past Influences & experiences: Eight of Pentacles

The Eight of Pentacles is a card of apprenticeship and mastery. When this card appears in a Tarot reading, you are working hard to improve your skills and become a master at what you do. You may have recently changed your work, education or financial circumstances, and now you are applying your sheer determination and concentration to master the new skill that you are learning.

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: King of Swords (I mean... yeah it’s the same as the 1st question XD)

5. Their current status: Six of Wands

The Six of Wands is all about success, victory and public recognition. Not only have you succeeded in achieving your goals, you are now being publicly acknowledged for your efforts and your results.

6. Their health overall: Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords usually symbolises a sudden and unexpected failure or disaster, whereby a power beyond your control crushes you without warning or mercy.

7. Their mental health: Death XIII

After a period of pause and reflection with the Hanged Man, the Death card symbolises the end of a major phase or aspect of your life that you realise is no longer serving you, opening up the possibility of something far more valuable and essential. You must close one door to open another.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: Page of Swords

This card shows you as a young and idealistic person, with lots of plans and ideas for the future. At this moment, you feel as though you could do almost anything. As a Page, you are just beginning to make your way in life, and it is important that you align with others who will not overwhelm you or stifle your direction and ideas. Instead, seek to align yourself with people who will nurture your ideas and will help you to manifest them in an organised manner. Choose a relationship that feels natural, with someone who will learn and grow along with you and give you a chance to develop your own personality and expression. You have an intelligent and sensitive nature, and you may suffer a lot if there is no outlet for your ideas and feelings.

(aw come on you’ll make me cry...)

9. Physical manifestation: Six of Cups

In the Six of Cups, a young boy leans down and passes a cup filled with flowers to a younger girl. The girl looks up to the boy with love and respect as he offers the flowers to her. Love, harmony and co-operation – all key elements of the Six of Cups – shine through this gentle act. The young children also represent childhood memories

The Six of Cups invites you to get in touch with your inner child and experience the fun, freedom and innocence that comes with being a young child again.

10. What to know: Ten of Pentacles

When the Ten of Pentacles appears in a Tarot reading, you are surrounded by wealth and are blessed with financial abundance. There is no ‘wanting’ any more – you have everything you need, especially within the material realm. You feel financially secure and trust that, as a result of your personal successes and accomplishments, you will always have what you need and desire. You express deep gratitude for fulfilling your material goals and dreams.

11. What to avoid: Ace of Swords

When the Ace of Swords appears in a Tarot reading, it is an excellent time to start a new project that needs your intellect, communication skills and mental power. You may be inspired to take a writing class, practice your public speaking skills, or get involved in activities that require more brain power than usual.

(so... I should avoid starting new projects?...)

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Six of Wands (yeah I guess this is the same question as no.5)

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Three of Cups

The Three of Cups often indicates a very sociable period – perhaps a birthday, a wedding, the holiday season or a vacation with friends. See it as your opportunity to let your hair down and forget about your day-to-day commitments and obligations for a while. Instead, spend quality time with friends and family and enjoy yourself!

(so... bad influences in social situations? Or made enemies in social situations?... Not too sure...)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Ten of Cups

The Ten of Cups embodies happiness, joy, and emotional contentment, particularly in your relationships and family. You have created an abundance of love and happiness in your life, and you now share this love with others, expanding your heart even more.

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: The Empress III

The Empress signifies abundance. You are surrounded by life’s pleasures and luxuries and have everything you need to live a comfortable lifestyle. You are in a period of growth, in which all you have dreamed of is now coming to fruition.

16. Hopes: Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups is nurturing, caring, compassionate and sensitive. When you see her in a Tarot reading, you are embodying her ‘nurturing mother’ energy. You support others by listening with your heart, being compassionate, and caring for them deeply. You are empathic and can sense the needs of others by tuning in to your intuition, and you hold the space for others to express their emotions and be the truest, most authentic versions of themselves.

17. Fears: The Sun XIX

In the foreground, a young, naked child is sitting on top of a calm white horse. The child represents the joy of being connected with your inner spirit, and his nakedness is a sign he has nothing to hide and has all the innocence and purity of childhood. The white horse is also a sign of purity and strength.

(”The child represents the joy of being connected with your inner spirit“... I really hope it doesn’t mean what I think it means...)

So, exactly as I’ve always imagined her, Lady Fate is generally a young deity who’ve worked hard to be at the status she is right now. She wants me to know that I’m not lacking anything and should take control of my life and surround myself by like-minded people... Her health and mental health have taken a hit, and all she wants and hopes for is to be in a place of joy and emotional contentment as well as to be feminine, and to be a nurturing mother... Her physical manifestation seems to be a child. Now I hope that this is not how it looks, but she seems to dislike me connecting with my “inner spirit”... more on that later.

(side note- my heart was pounding extremely hard the entire time I was doing this reading and once I finished it calmed down and now I’m freezing...)

Next is going to be a deity I call Luck. I guess the equivalent in other religions would be Karma, or even “Balance”. (You’ll notice that I frequently refer to Luck as “it” or “them”... somehow their gender was never established...)

1. The entity: King of Wands

The King of Wands represents pure fire energy. Unlike the other Wands court cards, he is not so interesting in actual creation and creativity, or in dreaming up ideas and implementing them himself. Instead, he is more inclined to take an idea and change the world to match his vision. As such he is a natural-born leader of all kinds of people, and he is very visionary.

(That’s... actually extremely fitting, especially when you remember how many people believe in karma... Also another part stated that it loves challenges and adrenaline which from my experience is 100% right...)

(note: fire energy)

2. Their history: Three of Swords

When the Three of Swords appears in a Tarot reading, it is sign that you are feeling deeply hurt and disappointed. Your heart has been pierced with these three swords, through others’ hurtful words, actions and intention, and they have inflicted intense emotions of pain, sadness, grief, and heartbreak. These events feel even more painful because they are often unexpected and come out of the blue.

3. Past Influences & experiences: King of Cups

The King of Cups embodies the perfect balance between the executive and the heart. Not only are you able to assess and manage a situation logically, but you can also draw upon your intuition and understanding of human interactions. As a leader, you care as much about achieving your goals and objectives as you do about making sure everyone is happy and engaged along the way.

(So balance between logic and feelings as well... hm okay.)

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: Death XIII

The Death card has elements of a sudden and unexpected change. Death happens to everyone, no matter who you are, how much money you have, where you live, or what colour your skin is; it is the same with a significant change. So, the Death card can be a sign you may feel as though you are caught in the path of sweeping change and cannot escape its effects.

(an unexpected deity that acts suddenly and without a warning, it doesn’t who or what you are, it’ll find you. That’s luck/karma for ya)

5. Their current status: The High Priestess II

The High Priestess signifies spiritual enlightenment, inner illumination, divine knowledge and wisdom. She shows up in your Tarot readings when the veil between you and the underworld is thin, and you have the opportunity to access the knowledge deep within your soul. Now is the time to be still so you can tune in to your intuition.

6. Their health overall: The Tower XVI

Just when you think you’re safe and comfortable, a Tower moment hits and throws you for a loop. A lightning bolt of clarity and insight cuts through the lies and illusions you have been telling yourself, and now the truth comes to light. Your world may come crashing down before you, in ways you could never have imagined as you realise that you have been building your life on unstable foundations – false assumptions, mistruths, illusions, blatant lies, and so on.

7. Their mental health: The Star XVII

The Star brings renewed hope and faith, and a sense that you are truly blessed by the Universe. You are entering a peaceful, loving phase in your life, filled with calm energy, mental stability and more in-depth understanding of both yourself and others around you. This is a time of significant personal growth and development as you are now ready to receive the many blessings of the Universe.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: The Star XVII

(... likes others doing what they have been doing? Have hope and faith.)

9. Physical manifestation: Four of Cups

Sometimes this card brings the message, ‘Not now, but maybe later.’ While the man in the Four of Cups doesn’t accept the cups offered to him, he doesn’t wholly reject them either. You may be waiting for a sign or further information before taking an invitation or new project. Check in emotionally and spiritually before you say ‘yes’, to make sure the opportunity is a good fit and that you can commit to it in the long-term.

10. What to know: The Chariot VII

Now isn’t the time to be passive in the hope that things will work out in your favour. Take focused action and stick to the course, no matter what challenges may come your way – because, believe me, there will be challenges. You may be pulled in opposite directions and find your strength and conviction tested. Others may try to block you, distract you, or drag down the pursuit of your goal.

11. What to avoid: The Devil XV

The Devil card often appears when you have been tricked into thinking you have no control over your shadow self or these negative forces, and that you can never break free from their hold.

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Four of Wands

With the Four of Wands, it is the perfect time to get together with your family and friends and to celebrate all the wonderful times that you have had together. Often, this card reflects the holiday period where you get together with the extended family and join in a celebration. Alternatively, it may be as simple as inviting your closest friends over for an intimate dinner and a few glasses of nice wine.

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Page of Wands

(... this is the same that I got for Fate’s history... Do they have a bad history with each other?)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Nine of Wands

The Nine of Wands is like the one last test or challenge before you can reach ultimate success. You feel as if you have come to the end of your fighting powers but you have the skill and determination in reserve. You are in a position of strength and by drawing upon all of your courage and abilities, you will prevail. Once the last obstacle is overcome, you are home free.

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords usually symbolises a sudden and unexpected failure or disaster, whereby a power beyond your control crushes you without warning or mercy.

(same as Fate’s current overall health... did they want that to happen?)

16. Hopes: Two of Swords

The Two of Swords indicates that you are facing a challenging decision but you are unclear about which option to take. Both options may seem equally as good – or as bad – as each other, and you are stumped about which option will lead you to the best outcomes.

17. Fears: Six of Swords

The Six of Swords invites you to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back, be it from your past or your present circumstances. Instead look to your future and choose the best option that is most in alignment with your Highest Good and long-term potential.

So... this was interesting. Luck is a leader, knowledgeable, who likes challenges. It has been deeply disappointed/hurt but is now learning to have hope and trust in the future, and it wants others to do the same and take action. It seems to have a bad past with Fate and could even be involved in the reason of her current health. They appear as a man who’s given an opportunity (it’s also what they hope for) but doesn’t take it yet, as their fears are of moving forwards and letting go of what is holding them back.

(note- been cold the entire time of doing this reading, finished and now it’s super hot in here...??)

Next and last deity is my guardian angel, he’s been the easiest to communicate with since he appeared (when I was 15) but it doesn’t look like he wants me to communicate with other deities... And that’s why I want to do this reading, maybe he’ll explain me what is going on this way... (I’m keeping his name off tumblr intentionally)

1. The entity: Page of Cups

As each Page asks you to explore a new facet of yourself, the Page of Cups is asking you to explore your creative, emotional self. You may start a new art class, read books about how to express your feelings, or learn more about developing your psychic abilities. Dreamy aspirations race through your mind, and you may find yourself moved by simple things. Don’t be afraid to let your feelings show and wear your heart on your sleeve.

(well, out of the three he is the one I generally consider as a part of my being. That and also I’ve became a lot more creative and my psychic abilities developed a lot since he appeared...)

2. Their history: Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups says you are highly intuitive, creative, and in flow with the surrounding energies. In your interactions with others, you can easily read other people to get a sense of how to communicate effectively, enabling you both to feel heard and understood. Others may come to you to confide their personal issues regarding relationships, emotions and feelings. They trust you and know that you always have the right solution. You can instantly tune in to what others are going through and can help them make sense of it. You may be a healer, counsellor or intuitive coach; or maybe just a good friend. You recognise the Divine in everyone you meet.

(also the card I got for what Fate hopes for...)

3. Past Influences & experiences: The Emperor IV

As the father figure of the Tarot deck, the Emperor suggests that you are adopting this fatherly role (regardless of whether you are male or female), providing for your family, and protecting and defending your loved ones. You may be the breadwinner or the ‘rock’ for those who rely on your stability and security.

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: Six of Cups

The Six of Cups invites you to get in touch with your inner child and experience the fun, freedom and innocence that comes with being a young child again.

(was also Fate’s physical manifestation hmmm...)

5. Their current status: Six of Swords

The Six of Swords indicates that you are in a state of transition, leaving behind what was familiar and comfortable and moving towards the unknown. You might be moving house, leaving a relationship, changing jobs, going through a rite of passage or feeling a mental shift of some kind. This change may be as a result of your doing, or forced upon you. You may feel sad and upset to leave behind what is so familiar to you, however you know that this move is essential for your growth and personal development.

(also what luck is afraid of)

6. Their health overall: Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands is the dominant feminine energy of the element of Fire. She is highly energetic and leads a busy and active life. She radiates health and vitality and has an inner vibrancy that fills her with ongoing energy and inspiration. This Queen is a natural-born, intelligent leader who actively inspires others.

(note: Also fire element, like luck.)

7. Their mental health: The Hanged Man XII

When the Hanged Man appears in a Tarot reading, your projects and activities may be coming to an unexpected and abrupt halt. Don’t keep pushing forward, hoping that more force will drive you to where you want to go. Instead, surrender to the opportunity to pause and view it as your chance to reassess and re-evaluate where you are on your path.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: Nine of Wands

You may have experienced setbacks that now leave you feeling distrustful of others or even yourself. The turning point will come when you are able to leave the past behind you and to cultivate a more open mind about the future. While you have experienced losses in the past, it does not mean that you have to experience further losses in the future. Turn a new leaf and push on.

(Also Luck’s desire)

9. Physical manifestation: The Hermit IX

The Hermit stands alone on the top of a mountain. The snow-capped range symbolises his spiritual mastery, growth and accomplishment. He has chosen this path of self-discovery and, as a result, has reached a heightened state of awareness.

(more or less how I envision him as it is...)

10. What to know: Ten of Wands

The Tens in Tarot represent the completion of a cycle, and thus with the Ten of Wands, you have reached the end of a cycle after a period of struggle. You are finally reaping your rewards after investing a lot of hard work and effort. You have fulfilled a creative venture, realised a dream or accomplished a major goal, and now must deal with the consequences of that fulfilment.

This card can also mean that you are being oppressed by outside sources. You are over-worked, over-tired and over-stimulated. You have more on your plate than you can possibly handle and you have taken on too much at this point in time. In an effort to get to the finish line, you have found yourself overwhelmed with the extra responsibility and activity. You need to stop working so hard.

11. What to avoid: Justice XI

The Justice card represents justice, fairness, truth and the law. You are being called to account for your actions and will be judged accordingly. If you have acted in alignment with your Higher Self and for the greater good of others, you have nothing to worry about. However, if you haven’t, you will be called out and made to own up to your actions. If this has you shaking in your boots, know that the Justice card isn’t as black and white as you may think. A level of compassion and understanding accompany Justice, and although you may have done something you regret, this card suggests that you will be treated fairly and without bias. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions and stand accountable for the ensuing consequences.

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Six of Wands

The Six of Wands is such positive encouragement to believe in who you are and your accomplishments so far. Have faith in what you have personally achieved and how this will be received by others. Do not let fear or guilt stand in the way of your success. You ought to feel proud of what you have achieved and not afraid to hold your head up high and feel worthy of others’ attention.

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Knight of Cups

When it comes to making decisions, the Knight of Cups is ruled by his emotions and his heart. When this card arrives in a Tarot reading, you are making decisions based on how you feel about a situation rather than what you think, even if others can’t make sense of what you are doing and why, and your intuition guides you in everything you do.

(which is interesting... because that’s the card I usually get as my representation...)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Six of Cups

(same as personality, attitude & opinions. Also Fate’s physical manifestation.)

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: Seven of Cups

Often, the Seven of Cups can be a sign of wishful thinking and projecting into the future about what you would like to create, rather than taking action here in the present to make it happen.

16. Hopes: Temperance XIV

This card calls on you to remain calm, even when life feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament and manage your emotions. You have learned to keep composed in stressful situations.

17. Fears: Eight of Wands

This card is a sign to ‘strike while the iron is hot’. It is most definitely an action-oriented card that encourages you to move quickly to pursue the best opportunities available right now. There is no waiting around while the Eight of Wands is present so determine where your energy will be directed and get on with it!

Honestly? I feel like I already knew all of these. My guardian angel is one that wants peace, is very wishful in his thinking but doesn’t want to take action. He wants me to be creative and keep that childish hope alive but also there’s a possibility that knowing me is a bad experience for him(?). His origin seems to have something to do with Lady Fate, and it looks like originally they had the same desires/goals. His mental health seems to be “on halt” and I also noticed it lately, but his overall health is pretty good. He wants me/us to avoid justice, to not be put to curt... I can only imagine that it’s because I believe in “personal” deities, we’ve been worried for a while how other, stronger deities, would react to that... and now I know- he’s mentioned in both Fate’s and Luck’s fears- “connecting with my inner spirit” in Fate’s and mentioning his status in Luck’s.

My deities don’t get along. Great. -_-

Also my zodiac, palm, only crystal, and two deities are of fire energies...

Oh and I had to promise Luck that I’ll be productive tomorrow so that it’ll answer me... oh boy.

#tarot #journal #deity #witchblr

2 notes · View notes