Kamen Rider Geats (2022)

Episode 39

True, though you could also spin it as they consider her an unworthy warden because she tried to run for leader after his death rather than sticking it out and training up his heir. Or even just resigning if it was too much and living a normal life within the clan again. I can't imagine she's the only one who has had their noble die, it's a dangerous world out there and what was she supposed to do when he got swept out to sea and disappeared? But if she immediately went from that to trying to become the clan leader, that's a real bad look and it could be taken as her abandoning her post not because of trauma but for personal gain. If she saw losing him as a huge failure, then her trying to become leader could be an attempt to make up for it? Like she couldn't stand to be a warden anymore, but when the old leader died she saw it as both an out and an opportunity to redeem herself or prove that she could do better. Or it might just be something along the lines of, if Almighty Sinnoh picks her, that means she hasn't been damned for letting her noble die. I could also see it happening during though, and the reason they think she's an unworthy warden is bc she was attempting to resign so she could run for leader when the storm hit the coastlands and Arcanine was lost. With that kind of timing, some of them might think that his death was because Sinnoh was mad at her for trying to leave without a justifiable cause or something (although why it'd kill her noble rather than her is a mystery. Then again, superstition isn't typically rational). And yeah, that makes a lot of sense that it'd be the other wardens who have the final say over resignations. The clan leaders can nominate people as wardens, but they have to pass their test to make it official, and after that only the other wardens can decide if one of them gets kicked out. And possibly the nobles get a say too, in certain cases? Or at least their opinions are taken into heavy consideration.

I mean, given how few people are in the clans, there probably aren't a lot of people who get marked as candidates to begin with, but surely there was at least a handful to start out. I really don't know what the tests could be either, although at least part of it surely has to do with literacy and general training on how to run a settlement. You can't just throw someone into a leadership position with no prior training and hope it goes well, so maybe that was the bulk of how long it took? That'd also test like, commitment to the role if you're willing to stick with it despite how long it takes and having to study. I bet Irida and Adaman are constantly plagued with doubts about the legitimacy of their leadership and whether they're worthy of their positions. Which makes it even more interesting that they're breaking tradition (or the former leaders broke tradition and they're continuing in that direction), because usually the impulse would be to return to old ways since then at least you'd have a better idea what to do. But maybe a proposition to go back to fighting would be very negatively received, if they're all collectively tired of it.

Oh shit, that's an excellent idea for them to both be wardens! Given the approximate ages of everyone, theoretically they could have been wardens for just about anywhere other than the mirelands and probably the icelands, since you'd still have a weird gap between them running away and when the current wardens could have conceivably been old enough to take their positions, wherein whoever replaced them had to have died or something within about a decade. The coastlands would also be a good pick for the parallels of Palina and Iscan. Would it really mask the fact that they ran off to be together though? I mean, if they're both the wardens of the same region and they both ran off within a few years of each other, surely the obvious conclusion is that he followed after her. I can't imagine many wardens leave their posts by just running away, so unless he's faked his death that'd be very telling. And then there's also the problem of why she'd have run away. Even if they hated the war, as wardens they're pretty removed from it and isolated enough that it'd be fairly easy to hide a kid to keep him from the fighting. So either they got caught or something drastic happened. Unless she ran after finding out she was pregnant, because being a warden is a dangerous job and no place to raise a baby, but if she went back to the clan not only would it invite scrutiny but she also wouldn't be able to be with her man, so the best and safest option was the Ginkgo Guild?? As for if Volo knows... I honestly don't see his parents talking about it? He might have had suspicions when he finally met Irida and took note of any similar features, but nothing concrete I think. He's nosy enough that he might try to see if there's any kind of family connection there though, and if he found out that her dad ran off when she was a baby then that might tip him off.

Yeah, but with how hyper-aggresive and -vigilant they are, wouldn't they only go to sleep when they're completely worn out? So more like passing out due to extreme exhaustion than regular sleep. I thought pokeballs were able to tame wild pokemon in general because they have some kind of, idk, calming effect or something. I know part of it is that they're like, 'okay we fought, you won, we're cool now', but luxury and friend balls increase friendship even if you catch a pokemon on the first turn, it'd make more sense for how they do that if they were just increasing the strength of something pokeballs already do... right? I might be overthinking that. In any case, if knocking them out didn't work it'd certainly make the question of why they didn't ask Ingo to help easier lol. Though, they didn't ask for his help breaking any of the nobles from their frenzy either and I feel like it'd make way more sense to ask him for help with Kleavor than some random nobody? I guess maybe the nobles are different, since you can't just KO them you have to throw things that calm them down too, but how would they know that? Did they just assume that you couldn't break them free the normal way of fighting them until they fainted?

see i guess what this comes down to is, like you said, surely palina isn't the only warden who's ever lost their noble. but i think the arguments about it are less about lord arcanine dying and more about her not immediately throwing growlithe into training. which, surely this isn't the first time that's ever happened? where a heir wasn't ready to become a noble? are most wardens that much more strict with their charges? or is it just that the nobles' heirs usually have a much better understanding of duty and/or have been prepared for it beforehand. maybe the current conflict is just the culmination of a long history of what the clan sees as palina (and the late lord arcanine) being too soft on growlithe and not adequately preparing him for the position.

that's just me thinking out loud but anyway. so if the leader candidates are marked—and maybe they were so desperate for viable candidates in the pearl clan, after losing most of the people in the age range for it and most of the rest not being marked, that they were willing to consider the normally-only-exceptional-circumstance of trying wardens for the position. and maybe palina wasn't outright disqualified so much as she withdrew, because people were talking and she knew they'd never trust her as leader even if she passed all the outright trials.

if the nobles wanted to, yeah, they could probably vote to oust a warden—if not directly, then by asking their wardens to vote in alignment with them, bc that's probably a right they have as nobles. since i think wardens are probably chosen at least in part by their nobles, and they have a deep bond bc of that, it's probably not very common that a warden would be disavowed by their own noble and said noble would probably defend them most of the time—but, shit, now i kind of want to write something where that does happen and something comes between a warden and noble like that. hmm.

i don't... remember if it's ever stated in canon if the clans can read/write outside of the unown glyphs that calaba can translate. i feel like that's maybe not a super common thing for them? like it was just never necessary before they opened trade and communication with other groups. sinnoh's words are carved in glyphs, yes, but you can't use those for writing down everyday whatever, that would be disrespectful. but i think the "trials," such as they are, would be more about understanding the clan's traditions and also just straight up like. leadership skills. can you solve problems and delegate tasks effectively under pressure or will you fold instantly. good things to know beforehand

anyway YEAH, they probably are constantly worrying about whether they have any right to change the way things are, and they probably could bond over that if they were willing to drop the argument for five seconds. but then, not actively fighting each other is such a huge shift, it would probably be really ill received if they were seen actively being friends or something. being prickly is half social expectation at this point

yeah!! honestly i'm really digging the idea of them being from the highlands now, because you could also have something about them meeting in the temple of sinnoh for their tryst and that just adding to volo's perception that he should be the new champion of arceus by birthright because not only does he directly descend from a Blessed Warden of both clans, he was literally conceived in its temple. as for if it would be an obvious giveaway for them both to leave, i mean, it might be that, but it at least gives the clans some plausible deniability if they decide to just pretend they don't know.

but yeah i think volo knows his parents were former wardens, because that does explain why he's Like That about arceus at least a little bit. so if his dad ever mentioned that he might have left behind another kid in the pearl clan, it would be pretty straightforward for him to hear about irida's history and go "hey wait a minute" and put the pieces together

re: alphas i think they sort of doze, not necessarily asleep but like, half-sleeping and ready to wake up if they sense trouble. and i'm not convinced pokeballs have any special effects on the pokemon at all, tbh, outside of the special variant ones. i mean i think they're a gameplay shorthand for mechanics anyway, like, it's more plausible to me that what's "actually" happening when you first-turn catch a pokemon is that you're just ingame skipping the wearing it down+convincing it phase that happens in reality. that maybe doesn't make any sense listen i'm very tired. anyway.

iirc part of the reason irida goes to the galaxy team is because she specifically doesn't just want to beat the shit out of kleavor. well the phrasing also implies that what she really doesn't want to do is kill him, but you can read it as her worrying that it would be an affront to sinnoh/insult to the noble to just wear it down like a common frenzied alpha. that would explain why they don't try wearing down the nobles in battle—because they don't battle nobles. it would be super rude. not to mention, i think the nobles are far, far stronger than most ordinary pokemon to start with, so they'd win anyway regardless. lol, though, the idea of an au where they just make ingo do it instead of bothering with the galaxy team and The Plot just happens on your peripheral and you get to focus on the far more important business of bidoof catching.

Hello Wise One! I was actually hoping if you can give me some solid personality pointers on Jango, rather than Boba, Fett?

sure thing! full disclosure that my knowledge of jango is not as extensive as my knowledge of boba, but i’ll do my best with what i have! here are some personality traits of jango’s i’ve observed:

paranoid/protective: this is a big one if you ask me. jango endured a life of betrayal and loss before he became a bounty hunter and it shows. besides boba, he doesn’t trust anyone fully, not even those closest to him and is always ready to cut ties at the drop of a hat—lethally, if necessary. his mistrust of the rest of the galaxy is so potent that when he takes boba on missions to populated areas, he instructs him to hide even from normal foot traffic and becomes anxious when he learns that others may have spotted him. it becomes pretty evident that part of the reason boba was so isolated growing up was that jango didn’t trust the vast majority of the galaxy enough to let them near the kid. and when other bounty hunters find out about him? ho boy. jango actually convinces them that he killed boba using a cloned child’s body, bc he’d rather be known as the worst kind of monster rather than make boba a target. there’s also the fact that, after their apartment on kamino gets found out by obi-wan, jango is packed and ready to leave in minutes. not only is he ready to bug out at the first sign of danger, but he’s well-prepared to do so at a moment’s notice.

a loving father: another big one. for those who look at a man as battle-hardened and stoic as jango fett and wonder whether boba got enough affection as a kid, worry not: in the vast majority of depictions, jango is a very loving father, especially when he’s out of the prying eyes of clients and colleagues. he hugs boba, tells him he loves him, joins him in playing with toy starfighters, and tries to make time for him as much as he can. he even does his dadly duty of going fishing with his son (though he and boba practice spearfishing rather than using a rod and tackle). there’s also a wistful little scene where, trying to help boba feel better after zam’s death, he takes him to kamino’s main spaceport and lets him infodump about all the ships he sees there :,) so overall, he has a lot of good qualities as a dad

controlling: and the other side of the coin! while jango is a genuinely loving father, he’s not at all the type to encourage his son’s independent development. self-sufficiency? sure. interests in anything other than the path jango has laid out for him? not really. he actively discourages boba from learning about “unimportant” topics from books, an apparently very broad category given it includes things such as schools, moms, and other children. he drills into boba’s head that he’s going to be a bounty hunter and that he needs to abide by a code with such healthy guidelines like, “don’t have friends or attachments” and “trust no one but use everyone.” boba, of course, goes with it bc he loves his father and wants to live up to his expectations, but he never really gets a choice in the matter. honestly, i think this side of jango is best summed up by him leaving a post-humous note for boba that says, among other things, “i am more than a parent to you.” it kind of goes along with how, after jango’s death, boba continued to think of his father not just with love and grief, but also an almost religious dread of failing his expectations. jango undoubtedly loved his son but he also seems to have defined a very narrow path for him to walk, without room for deviation.

possesses an actual charisma score: okay, now for a more fun one: jango has a charisma score and he apparently makes a habit of using it, to the point where his old friend rozatta pokes fun at him for it (he compliments her and she’s like “oh, you’re flattering me? must mean you want something!”) he also pulls the same thing on zam, calling her charming to get her to agree to help him break into a target’s stronghold. so yeah, jango fett turning up the charm to get people to help him/give him info? 100% canon, baby

very fun friendship with zam wesell: look, this isn’t a personality trait, but it’s important to me. these two are just so fucking funny together. like, on the surface, it’s just a fun dynamic of zam making flirty banter and jokes while jango pretends to be annoyed and drag her, much to her delight. but then on a professional level, you have these two ammoral assholes bouncing wildly between being one another’s Sexy Rival and being one another’s Unhinged Partner but whoops, jango went and had a kid, so now they’re Unhinged But Mostly Responsible Co-Parents. one of my favorite scenes is when, in an attempt to intimidate a prisoner into talking, zam impersonates a politician and lets jango pretend to “kill” her in front of him. for some reason, even after they’re done, jango continues to bridal carry zam’s “body” into the cockpit of slave I, at which point, she perks up, bats her eyelashes at him, and goes, “you’d never really kill me would you, jango?” jango quite honestly replies, “only if i had to.” there’s a beat and then zam’s like, “....you’re so sweet! 😘” honestly, they’re so stupid, i love them

ascetic: much like his son, jango doesn’t seem to have much interest in luxury or “the finer things.” despite having enough money to live very comfortably, his apartment on kamino is described as “spartan” in design and furnishing. this may have something to do with the first bullet point, given that a simple life is easier to pack up and take with you at a moment’s notice, but i do think there’s some amount of preference in this lifestyle, given it’s what both fetts seem most comfortable with in all circumstances.

traumatized: i mean, he’s a fett, ain’t he? particularly, just like boba after him, jango is traumatized by the loss of his family, especially his own father figure, jaster mereel. much like boba, jango seems haunted by the need to live up to jaster’s name and legacy. for background, jaster was betrayed and killed in an ambush by the leader of deathwatch, after which he passed on the title of mand’alor to jango. however, some time after this, the true mandalorians led by jango were wiped out by a combination of death watch and the jedi, with jango himself being stripped of his armor and sold as a slave. after this point, jango does not seem to see himself as worthy of jaster’s legacy and thus attempts to pass it on to his son, resulting in the high and narrow expectations he sets for boba as mentioned in bullet point #3. boba himself concludes as much as an adult. on top of the trauma of losing his family, jango also seems to have been traumatized by his time as a slave. most notably, when he’s being tortured after being captured by target komari vosa, he at first remains fairly stoic, even as she starts to mutilate his face. it isn’t until she mentions enslaving him that he seems to panic, struggling desperately to get away. vosa even laughs and says that she must have touched a nerve with her comment. basically: fetts be traumatized :(

soft spot for (some) kids: another thing that’s interesting about jango is that he... usually attempts to do right when kids are involved. i say “usually” bc fat lot of good it did all the cloned children he had a hand in creating >:( but, for example, after killing a runaway clonetrooper as part of a bounty, he finds out that the clone had a son. unwilling to let the child live in poverty due to his own actions, he has regular payments sent to the boy’s mother to help support him. in another instance, jango and zam help deliver an artifact to a client who intends to use it to carry out a terrorist attack on coruscant against millions of civilians. when zam finds out about the client’s intentions, she’s horrified and goes to jango demanding they steal the artifact back. jango completely brushes her off at first, telling her it’s not his problem and that he needs to spend more time with his son. zam coldly asks him how many “sons” he thinks live on coruscant. needless to say, her argument convinces him to join her in stopping the terrorist plot :,)

aaand that’s all i got at the moment! i hope it helps to characterize jango a little bit more!

anyway thought I should get the seer au out to the public bc I am fucking. possessed.

tws: referenced death by childbirth, child abuse, child neglect, child abandonment, starvation, very briefly referenced transphobia (not from any canon characters), war, dehumanisation, kidnapping, referenced suicide, self harm, torture, mutilation, self hatred, toxic and very codependent friendship, eye trauma, and blinding. also, LONG post warning!

Tommy Innit (not his old name, of course, but he wasn’t going to keep that bastards one) was a sixteen year old street rat on the dirty edges of the kingdom of Essempi. Doesn’t have a mother, not since he was born, and his “father” (he loathed to use that word for him) always blamed him for her passing, and made sure to remind him of it every day, when he wasn’t pass-out drunk from the things he bought instead of food for Tommy. The day he dragged Tommy out into the street and just left him was the best day of his life, at least as far as Tommy was concerned.

(Well, more because that was the day he met Tubbo, but that certainly helped.)

As far as Tommy was concerned, a life on the streets was like “home” but better. Much less screaming at him until he cried, and he was used to having nothing to eat. Besides, no one would look at him like a freak for wearing a boys tunic, deepening his voice, using his real name. He still kept his hair long, though. Made him look different enough to the man who dared call himself father, and he’d kept it long enough it was a source of pride.

The borders were a dangerous place to live, though. Oh, not because of the skirmishes between the Kingdom and the Antarctic Empire, Tommy had no fear of those. It was the mages, the idea they'd spot him.

One in a million, they say, that’s how rare a mage is. Rare enough to be more valuable than any of their freedom was worth. It was an open secret that whenever a mage was discovered, they’d be carted off to the castle, in chains if need be, and be forced into the Kings service in whatever way was best. They’d live in luxury, but as little more than tools used for their powers.

And, as much as Tommy hated it, he was a mage. He hid it as much as he could- fuck, he was pretty sure he never told Tubbo, even if he did just figure it out on his own because his friends genius was scary- but mages always knew other mages, and if any of the King's mages sent to fight on the front lines saw him, that was game over for his freedom.

It was helpful, though, he had to admit. His power was sight. Sight of the past, the future, anywhere, anytime. Actually using his powers like that was fucking exhausting, and set all his senses into miserable hypersensitivity, so he preferred to just rely on the passive sight he always had of everything close. It wasn’t like seeing normally, it was like a mechanical knowledge of what things were, but that made it much easier to see when danger was coming.

That was how he knew when there was a big, big fight going down. One he and Tubbo had to run far from. He used his sight to find a hiding spot for the two of them, terrified to check the future in case they didn’t survive, and waited. And waited and waited and waited, until everything went quiet.

And then the two of them were suddenly facing another mage.

Golden hair, golden armour, golden weapons, golden everything. And the King's crest emblazoned on his chestplate.

Fuck.

Tommy immediately raised his hands in the air, a shaky gesture of surrender, and blurted out that he’d follow them, fine, as long as they let Tubbo go. Mildly confused, but very grateful to not have to literally drag the latest mage home like he had to do a few times, he let Tubbo be, and led a terrified Tommy back to the wagon they arrived on, straight back to the castle.

It was a miserable two days. Tommy wouldn’t talk, wouldn’t eat, wouldn’t sleep. The other mage- Punz, as they’d tell him their name was- tried to provide some reassurance, but Tommy was just… quiet. Eyes unfocused, breathing a strange rhythm, eyes tearing up because he barely so much as blinked. What was the point?

Eventually they arrived- guards looking sceptical at the grubby little street kid looking a million miles away, but they knew better than to judge Punz's orders, and the two of them entered. The castle was beautiful, larger than even the streets, and covered in art and flowers, but the atmosphere inside despite the artificial welcomeness was oppressive, like a golden cage, and it chilled Tommy down to the bones.

Soon enough, they made it to the throne room, and sprawled across the throne in an almost casual manner was the King. He looked barely any older than Tommy, still freckle faced and gap teethed, and he looked… human. With flaws and scars and messy dirty blond hair that needed cut and eyes more muddy than green and the Mask of the Goddess he always wore in the statues askew and covering only half his face.

Still, when his gaze fell upon Tommy, he felt paralysed by the sheer weight of it, feeling like a tiny insect being regarded by a fierce lion. When he spoke, his words were honeyed, but that barely hid the tinge of poison underneath. Tommy wasn’t sure he’d been as afraid as he was right now, even when he was little and still back “home.” When asked about his powers, he found himself immediately spilling everything, terrified for the consequences if he lied, and didn’t notice the ways the King's eyes lit up as he went on.

He was taken to his room (more like his cell), as deceptively beautiful a cage as the rest of the castle. It was large, bigger than any house Tommy had seen, and decorated in soft pastels and flowers, but it didn't hide the bars on the windows, the way any sharp edges were sanded into nothing, the sheets were too light to hold someone’s weight. No escape of any kind, it seemed, was possible. Tommy sat on the bed, staring at the walls, feeling nothing at all but numbness.

He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, just when he was woke. It was a miserable experience, being practically shaken awake by a fucking army of servants to be made “presentable”, which he apparently wasn’t (and, sure, maybe he was filthy and dressed in rags but that didn’t mean he was fucking lesser.) He had to practically beg to stop them cutting all his hair off, and getting it clean and brushed was a whole ordeal, but hey, when it was done the braiding it was tied in was beautiful, and the robes he wore weren't half bad anyway (even if they were too large, like he’d somehow grow into them. How old did they think he was, anyway?)

He was dragged- physically dragged, when he attempted any form of resistance- into a small room, a study from the looks of it, where the King was sitting in casual clothing, no mask, writing something out on the desk. He spoke to Tommy like a friend, casually, but with honey and poison still in his tone, and asked him to see what the outcome of this law would be.

Tommy regretted the “no” as soon as it came out of his mouth, stuttering apologies and explanations that never reached the Kings ears, the casual look on his face shifted to- not even anger, just annoyance. Before he could even realise what was going on, suddenly his head was slammed against the desk, hard, again and again until his head was spinning and he couldn’t even think to struggle as he was dragged to another room, one with blood on the walls, knives and needles and heavy poles hung up neatly, where no one could hear him scream.

(Rule one, never disobey an order.)

The rules were never stated, the King would deny there even were any rules if asked, but Tommy learned quickly. He’d- the man who raised him, he might’ve made him cry and locked him in the cupboard, but he’d never so much as laid a hand on him. He felt he probably should hate him more than even his “father”, then, but the dull ache of the bruises, stinging from his cuts was something he infinitely preferred to the thoughts that he was worthless that span around his head again and again and again. It was easier. It hurt less.

It was okay, really, it was. He covered his black eye with his overgrown fringe, tried to ignore the scars. No effort was made to hide them, and he couldn’t help but feel a little self conscious. Sure, he had his fair fucking share of scars, but they were his own, as he’d always proudly state, from his own hands, own nails, own knife until Tubbo oh so rudely confiscated it from him.

He wasn’t happy, fuck no, of course he wasn’t. He was miserable, locked up in his room all night, being dragged around to wherever the King happened to be during the day. He’d asked why, and that’s how he learnt-

(Rule two, don’t ask questions.)

so as he fiddled with his broken nose, he memorised the layout of where he'd been the best he could, took stock of everything he could use for an escape attempt, any crack in the walls or poorly guarded corridor, and plotted his escape while spitting and swearing but obeying every order given to him, which was met with little more than mild fascination.

He wasn’t sure how long he was there. Honestly, he was only assuming day and night based on when he was locked up to sleep, and the fact on the rare occasions he was outside it was usually daytime. It had to be at least months, he’d stopped counting long ago, when he put his plan into action.

(Rule three, never even try to escape)

very quickly becomes

(Rule three, always ask permission for anything you do that takes you away from the Kings side.)

and before long he cannot even break it, his legs twisted at weird angles and constantly aching in pain, barely able to stand for a few seconds. It never heals right, but the pain dulls to tolerable after Goddess knows how long, and with a cane he can at least walk, albeit slowly. And it’s not like it was so bad, after all,

(Rule four, Dream is your friend, always refer to him by name.)

he had the scars on his face to serve as a reminder. He was overreacting, really. He had more than enough food if he behaved (the Ki- Dream always said he looked like a light breeze would knock him over, so he needed to eat more, and that was an order). Every week now, Dream set out some time in his surely busy schedule to teaching him all that fancy shit like reading and writing, and he was getting good enough he could even read some of the books from the library. Tommy kept some in his room, made it less boring waiting for the next day when the nightmares were bad and he couldn’t sleep.

It would be a lie to say he was happy, but things could be worse. It was better than “home”, at least he had a warm bed, at least he had food. At least he had a friend. Dream was scary, and he hurt him, but he was there. Tommy got the impression he cared far more about his powers than anything else, and that he really only saw him as an asset to the kingdom, but at least he could pretend he wasn’t alone.

Goddess, he missed Tubbo.

It wouldn’t hurt if he just took a look, right? It’s not like anyone would have caught him, and besides, there wasn’t a rule, was there?

(Rule five, never use your powers unless commanded to.)

He’s not even sure why he bothered trying, anymore. Anything but just being a good, obedient tool of the state just lead to more and more and more pain, more and more of himself being scarred and crippled and broken. And after just so, so long… it wasn’t that he couldn’t keep fighting, but it was just so tiring, and it was easier to play along, and all he wanted was to rest.

Besides, it was nice enough, if he behaved. He had food and somewhere warm. He was learning- just reading, now, he couldn’t pick up the quill properly and he wasn’t sure he’d ever heal enough for it. And- Dream wasn’t Tubbo, he wouldn’t kill and die for him, but he was fun enough to talk to, and he didn’t think he was some sort of freak. Father was right, he really was ungrateful.

He’d learnt better than to ask questions, but he wasn’t an idiot, he could figure out what he was doing. Most of the time, it was just helping with administration - “Tommy, could you tell me if there are any forces by the border?” and “Tommy, will funding this new policy help?” and “Tommy, will the draught on our crops continue?”. There was the ones he tried not to think about- “Tommy, where's the rebel leader's daughter?” and “Tommy, what’s their greatest fear?” and “Tommy, how can I break them?”. And, of course, there was the question he was asked every day.

“Tommy, how do I die?”

Every time, his visions changed. One day, it might be poison, and Dream wouldn’t drink from the chalices the next ball. Another, it might be an assassin, and security would be increased. At first it seemed normal, but it kept getting further and further away, even father than anyone could or should live.

(He was ask to find his own death at one point, and no matter how far ahead he looked, he couldn’t find it. He can’t help but feel… disappointed, for some reason, no matter how ecstatic Dream seemed.)

Dream was… still strange, still with poison laced behind kind words. Still cruel, laughing as Tommy flinched and apologised. But there was something resembling fondness there, something like trust. They could speak somewhat freely around each other, and Tommy was certain he knew far more about the king than anyone else ever had, secrets held by perhaps a handful others.

Research into things forbidden by the Goddess going on for generations, a half-sister mage with power so great yet so uncontrollable she had to be confined her whole life lest she accidentally destroy everything in her wake, knowledge on every mage and their powers in the country. But far more interesting, to Tommy at least, is the smaller, painfully human things. The story of a man barely five years older than him, spending his entire youth strictly studying everything a ruler needed to know, never knowing a childhood. A man without any friends but with two young mages kept captive, being alone apart from his sister after they’d escaped. A man good at pretending to be a king, terrible at pretending to be a functioning person, desperate to find some sort of happiness he felt denied.

It was nice, to learn things from just being told them. It almost made Tommy feel like a person.

Even so, Tommy's purpose was his visions, no matter how dizzy and overloaded it made him. Things could always be worse. At least he was useful. That’s why he didn’t complain when it was decided, so he wouldn’t have to close his eyes to activate his powers, he’d instead be blindfolded, so he could immediately see on command. Tommy suspected it was more because the awful headaches he tried to see for too long sometimes made it hard to keep his eyes closed. But that was fine. Tommy was fine.

It was annoying, though. Even with his passive sight, seeing through that was a lot different to actually seeing. It was like knowing everything around you, but not being able to appreciate it’s beauty. He could see a painting and know it’s exact composition but not be able to see how it looked. He could see a book and know exactly what it was about but not be able to properly read. Beside, the blindfold was itchy and stuffy and made his head feel weird, and he really wished he wouldn’t have to wear it anymore, but he wasn’t even sure if he was allowed to ask.

Eventually, though, he did build up the courage, though he’d regret it almost immediately. At first, as he was taken back to the soundproofed room he grew to fear, he thought he was going to be punished, but if anything it was worse. Some sort of dizzying, numbing medicine was forced down his throat, and he couldn’t move, couldn’t even speak, as Dream took a blade and blinded him permanently, all while talking like he was doing some fucking big favour.

Tommy spent the next few days in and out of consciousness, the same bitter mix that left him helpless used to numb the pain. But finally, as the wounds healed, things… went back to normal. Like nothing had happened. Maybe he was the dumb one, overreacting like always. It’s not like Dream wasn’t being accommodating, reading for him, letting him stay in bed and rest. It was fine. It was good! Tommy was good.

If he wasn’t, what was he?

Let’s Talk About Norman

I’m going to start off by telling you all something you probably already know: Norman is abusive. I try not to use super strong language on this blog because calling someone abusive / toxic is a pretty big deal, but Norman is an abuser, full stop. Aside from the obvious physical violence though, there’s a lot of emotional trauma he causes Ruby through his actions— this post is mostly going to be talking about Norman’s emotional abuse and how it affects Ruby’s psyche and actions throughout the arc instead of just “oh he punched his son down some stairs” because I think it goes way deeper than that. With that out of the way, the rest of the post is below the cut!

PHYSICAL VIOLENCE

I can’t talk about Ruby and Norman without mentioning this— it’s the most clear cut evidence of his abuse on-panel. He punches his son down the stairs, engages in a high stakes fight with him, and puts him in mortal danger (which Ruby has to save himself from). What I’m concerned with isn’t the actual incidence of violence itself, but rather the emotional baggage that comes with it.

The interesting thing about the Big Fight scene to me is that Norman instigates the conflict. Norman lures Ruby into a “dark and scary building” in the rain and away from others, appears behind him, threatens him, and throws him against a wall. The only thing Ruby had done in that moment is ask his dad how / why he had found him— Norman was the instigator of violence. It is Ruby’s reaction to this immediately violent start that segues into the next Big Thing about their relationship.

ENVIRONMENT OF FEAR

It is obvious from the minute Norman appears on panel that he is intimidating. Multiple characters throughout the arc mention that they are scared of / intimidated by him, but none are more obvious than Ruby. In fact until we reach the scene at the Weather Institute, Norman hasn’t been shown in a positive light at all from Ruby’s perspective. Ruby continuously mentions fear about his father: he imagines his father grabbing him, looking angrily at him, and generally seems to be afraid of him. Ruby expresses worry and concern about the consequences of his father’s anger— and that’s ALL he thinks about. Ruby mentions explicitly that he has seen “Norman’s Dark Side” and tries to hide as soon as he appears. He even shivers at the mere mention of Norman. Ruby’s entire motivation is his fear of his dad, which is bad, obviously. 

Every thought about Norman that Ruby has up until the Weather Institute about Norman express fear and stress Norman’s emotional distance. Whether or not Ruby and Norman love each other is not of importance here, what is important is that Ruby has constant worry and anxiety about how Norman will react. His entire motivation at the beginning of the arc is centered around doing things behind Norman’s back and giving him definitive proof of Ruby’s accomplishments— Ruby is so nervous around Norman that he considers communicating to be a risk. This is typical abuse victim behavior and it continues through the arcs. Living under the constant threat of (often violent) punishment has taught Ruby that disagreements and communication in general are dangerous and can spiral into violence very, very quickly— he displays this same fear time and time again.

Quick Aside: As everyone here probably knows, the main conflict in the oras arc is centered around Ruby’s unwillingness to tell Sapphire what is going on for fear of how she will react. Ruby’s hiding of his memory of their confession in the Emerald arc is the same— Ruby refuses to communicate because he is afraid of how Sapphire will react. His main emotional flaw is the fact that he is driven by fear; Norman has shown him there are consequences to communication and Ruby carries this lesson throughout his entire life. He is a victim of abuse and this hampers his ability to communicate and be emotionally vulnerable. He is so caught up in the idea of consequences that he is more than willing to lie or omit the truth to avoid the consequences of talking to people about stressful topics. This is not to say that Ruby’s actions are excusable— he’s still a dick with communication issues, but whether or not Kusaka intended it, Norman’s abuse and its consequences define Ruby’s emotional arc.

ANGER ISSUES

I can’t really talk about the environment of fear that Norman created without talking about his anger issues. He crushes a phone, shoves people out of the way, knocks multiple Pokemon out at once, and otherwise acts aggressively in various situations throughout the arc without any real Reason. As if these hints weren’t enough, we actually get confirmation through Ruby’s mother that Norman “does this often”— and judging by Birch’s reaction, these displays of destructive anger aren’t normal in in-universe. Whether or not there is a violent / strict parenting style within the universe doesn’t matter, because Norman is shown to be uncharacteristically aggressive in comparison to other adults in the series. Judging by Ruby’s reaction at the Weather Institute, he implies that his type of violence towards him isn’t uncommon; he seems almost resigned to it.

To wrap up this section: Norman’s aggressiveness is atypical even in-universe, he is shown to be unable and unwilling to curb his violent anger, and this creates an environment of fear among his family that permanently impacts Ruby’s ability to communicate effectively with others.

PART 2

DISCLAIMER: This is where things get… dicey. Everything I’ve mentioned previously is rooted in the actual drawings and actions of the characters or overarching themes / problems. This next part however focuses on dialogue. It is almost impossible to truly understand the tone of each line without being a fluent Japanese speaker (which I am not) so instead I’m going to use Viz and CY to the best of my ability for this section. I’m not going to extrapolate this to Kusaka’s intentions, since without the original work that’s nearly impossible, but I can at least talk about the way these come off in English.

EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Admittedly, Viz is the worst about this. They constantly hype Norman up and excuse his behavior, outright censoring some of the physical and emotional abuse. Viz absolutely mangling the tone of RS, however, is a post for another time.

Because Norman actually speaks to Ruby at length a grand total of twice times in the RS arc, we can break down his actions into these two instances: the first is at the weather institute and the second is as he’s dying.

Rather than go based on overall theme, this scene is best done line by line (this is using the CY version due to limited censorship compared to Viz). 

Scene 1: Volume 17, Chapters 208-210

(Norman is dangling Ruby off the roof of a building by his collar. There are sharp rocks at the bottom)

Ruby: Re… release me…! Norman: Insolent brat!! Is that how you talk to your father?!

To start, Norman uses tone policing and deflection. He focuses on the fact that Ruby is “talking back” to him and making demands of his father, which doesn’t acknowledge Ruby’s request or the fact that Ruby is being dangling over the roof of a building. Also note that this is the first time the words are bolded and that they stay this way throughout the fight— Norman verbally escalates the fight. Norman is abusing his position of power over Ruby in order to excuse his actions and pass the blame back to his son.

Ruby: I don’t care how furious you are with me… I’m ready for it!

(Norman decks Ruby down a flight of stairs)

Norman: Why did you run away from home?!

Note once again that Norman is implied to start raising his voice first even when Ruby isn’t. There’s another deflection here: Norman changes the subject rather than actively respond to anything Ruby says.

Norman: Well? Say something! You’d better voice your complaints right now!!

(Ruby has a conversation with the Swimmer, who advises him to apologize to avoid his father’s rage and “just go home” which… fuck you Swimmer Jack. I’m skipping that part of the dialogue bc it isn’t that important).

(While Ruby is debating what to do, Norman’s Slaking lifts the stairs that Ruby is on and tries to fling him into next Tuesday).

Ruby is physically prevented from escaping by being dangled above Norman. I shouldn’t have to tell why physically preventing someone from leaving an argument is a bad thing.

(Ruby decides to fight Norman)

Note that Norman is physically and emotionally forcing Ruby into two possible options: Fight or be obedient. He is preventing Ruby from running and deflecting Ruby’s attempts to explain himself. He then shifts the blame to Ruby *again*, attacking Ruby and his pokemon with full force and implying it was Ruby who instigated the conflict in the first place.

Norman: … so you wish to fight me? … Iron Tail and Hyper Beam… I was the one who taught you those attacks. There’s nothing about your attacks and strategies I don’t know about. You’re just wasting your time! Give up!

Here, Norman does two things: he stresses Ruby’s dependence on him and his power over Ruby. It’s a typical “your success is dependent on me” and a “there is no option except obedience” rhetoric, and is likewise typical of abusers. Norman is stressing the things Norman has gifted to Ruby (battling knowledge) and using whatever he can to force Ruby to do what he wants— he’s exerting his control.

(Ruby turns the tide of the battle, so Norman likewise switches tactics by attacking Ruby himself and attempting to hit him with a staircase. Ruby falls down the stairs and is dangling over a pit of spikes when Norman stands on the edge, blocking Ruby’s only escape route).

Norman: Now will you come quietly? Stop being so stubborn

Not only is Norman forcing his son to choose between obedience and Literal Death, he also shifts the blame again. He excuses his own actions by claiming it is Ruby’s stubbornness that forced him into this position. He deflects the whole “putting my 11 year old in harm’s way” by claiming Ruby’s own resistance to Norman’s violence is the trigger for the violence itself. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s victim-blaming nonetheless and sadly, it works

(Flashback time: Norman admits he was going to give Ruby permission to participate in contests and gets emo about it. They fall, but Norman catches Ruby. This doesn’t matter though, because they both end up falling and Ruby uses his running shoes to save them both).

Ruby: (thinking) Ru- running shoes… my birthday present from dad… saved both… our lives

Ruby displays pretty typical abuse victim behavior here, focusing not on Norman’s 3 threats to literally kill him but instead on the One Good Thing Norman did. He doesn’t mention that it was Ruby himself who saved them both or that Norman was the one who put them in danger in the first place— he’s in total denial about the severity of everything that happened.

(At this point, Norman looms above Ruby with an angry expression and a raised pokeball. Bystanders panic because it appears that Norman is going to attack Ruby who, by the way, is unconscious on the ground, but Norman gets a surprise call from Winona and turns away after realizing that Winona can see him).

“I only stopped attacking my son when I realized people were watching”… alright fuck off then Norman

Norman: HEY!! Idiot son! You disobeyed your parents, then you ran away from home. I’ve had enough! Just do what you want! In return, you’d better accomplish your goals!! A man should complete what he has set out to do… … before he can return home!!

Hoo boy. Norman never apologizes, deflects all the blame onto Ruby, insults him twice, and then tries to save face with Winona and the people around him by giving Ruby permission to do contests— which he was apparently planning to do all along. He emphasizes the things Ruby did in response to Norman’s actions (Ruby ran away from home because he knew his dad would be unsupportive and gets violent during disagreements, so in essence Norman is to blame for backing him into a corner). Norman twists the narrative in order to make Ruby the instigator in every case, justifying Norman’s responses as reactions to Ruby’s problematic behavior

Swimmer Jack: Isn’t that a wonderful father? Ruby: Thank you… father.

Ok first of all Jack is a dumbass, so jot that down. Second of all, while it’s unintentional, Ruby is being gaslit to hell and back. It is only after Norman’s omission of all the abusive behavior and bystanders’ affirmation of Norman’s love that Ruby starts to think positively towards his father. The threat Ruby used to think was so large has been downplayed and outright denied by the people around him, so Ruby’s prior fear of Norman diminishes. Ruby’s fear of Norman and the violence Norman took against him is denied, downplayed, and ignored, so Ruby begins to doubt his own animosity towards his father. Thanks Swimmer Jack you unintentionally gaslit an 11 year old.

SCENE 2: (this one is much shorter, thank god)

(Norman, while he is dying, explains the whole deal with how he was ordered to search for Rayquaza yada yada. Throughout the exchange, Ruby gets increasingly upset).

Ruby: (thinking) barred from the test and forced to search for Rayquaza… It must be some kind of punishment! What could Dad have done to warrant such… why was he made responsible… ?!

Ruby: … … but… come to think of it, dad is not someone who makes mistakes easily… something’s not right!

Slight aside, Ruby has been so convinced of his father’s power by others that he is unwilling to even CONSIDER that his dad fucked up, which… wow!

Ruby: That day… Dad must have taken the rap for someone else… and… (flashbacks to Salamence Incident) that person… was….

Ruby: (out loud) … me?! That person who set Rayquaza free… was it me…?!

Norman: Yes.

And then he dies!

(Technically he says “oh I did all that out of love” (paraphrased) and then dies but it’s just a continuation of the previous thing).

Norman, before dying, does not say “I’m proud of you” or “I’m sorry for everything” or anything remotely comforting, instead he says “hey Ruby, you’re responsible for my death and all your childhood trauma alongside your friend’s. Peace.” (this is paraphrased).

Even on his actual deathbed, Norman places the blame on Ruby for Norman’s own actions. He makes Ruby feel guilty for Norman leaving, Norman hiding information from him, and Ruby’s tumultuous childhood.

CONCLUSION

None of this is to say that Norman doesn’t love Ruby or that Ruby doesn’t love him back— I’m fairly positive the two of them love each other dearly and want the best for each other. However, Norman is a child abuser who reacts violently, instigates violence, and then turns around and denies said violence. He creates a culture of fear among his family, gives Ruby some serious communication issues, and the narrative takes his side. Norman is a child abuser in canon and has a very VERY profound effect on Ruby which has emotional ramifications throughout Ruby’s entire character arc all the way until oras.

TLDR: Normans sucks man

with age comes wisdom ( or at the very least, entirely unneccessary celebrations )

Characters /  Pairing: Fukawa Touko / Naegi Komaru ( focused ), Syo / Komaru, Warriors of Hope

crossposted on ao3

Notes: happy @tokomaruweek week everyone!! i love these funky wlw so i am going to try and have some stuff up this week, but i probably won’t manage to do the whole week / i'll go back to do the ones i miss afterwards? we’ll see.

for today i decided to combine the birthdays + warriors of hope prompts.

i’m also just ignoring canon’s timeline bc god knows i did not want to figure out that bs sorry dr3 ily but i dont love you that much just know it is somewhere post sdr2 / pre dr3 probably?

i also use they/them for syo ( nonbinary hc ) and while there aren’t any specific trauma mentions, given the group of characters this revolves around, there’s refrences to the fact they have shit lives. and some lighthearted murder jokes and self-deprication?

Summary: nothing says happy birthday quite like babysitting her ( favorite ) group of brats

It’s just her luck that this would happen— a coincidence for sure, but that doesn’t make Touko any happier about the whole thing.

This is the situation: they don’t usually see the ( former ) Warriors of Hope much. The kids stay on their side of Towa, and her and Komaru tend to stick closer to the adults. The adults are the ones that need to be kept under supervision, in her opinion. Not that the kids are blameless, but is there much reasoning with brainwashed kids? No. Of course not. Are the adults also practically brainwashed and hard to reason with. Yes. Would this all be easier if Future Foundation was involved? Yes. Yes it would, but for obvious reasons they are not ( they have all agreed to omit some information from public record for the sake of those involved, and right now Naegi’s stunt with the Remnants have Future Foundation’s attention away from them ).

Sometimes Komaru takes some of the things that they get over to the kids because things are rough enough as it is, and Syo will go with her because they can keep the Monokuma off their tracks better. Or you know, because Syo is generally more helpful to Komaru when it comes to things like that. She’s not jealous.

Allegedly— Touko does not know this for a fact herself since she hadn’t been fronting, and only learns this second hand while she is in the middle of typing up a report to send back to the foundation— Kotoko is the one to bring it up, casually handing off some of her share of the cookies Komaru had made for them, to Jataro. An early birthday present, she had said ( pointedly ignoring Nagisa, who’d pointed out she had given Jataro the ones he hated ), before turning to Komaru to ask if they could throw a party. A small one. With no murder, because that would be ‘totally not adorbs’. And no adults, because they stink ( it goes unsaid that Komaru and Touko themselves are the clear exception to this rule, which is some kind of progress, supposedly ).

That seemed like a fairly reasonable request, according to Komaru, who’s only response was to ask when his birthday was. And then accidentally lets it slip that hey, that’s the week that Touko-chan’s birthday is! And that’s how Touko finds out that apparently, she’s having a joint birthday party with the kids because Masaru managed to turn a party into a competition, somehow? Touko has no clue what that actually entails, because Komaru refuses to elaborate.

( Also, at one point before leaving, Komaru had tried asking Jataro if there was anything she could get him; to which he’d remarked, “A new mask?”

...Yeah, Touko can’t blame her for not knowing what to say to that, even if Komaru had spun it as not the most self-deprecating thing he could have said, which was an improvement? She personally disagrees, but whatever )

Here, she should point out the obvious fact that she does not want to really celebrate her birthday, let alone have a party for it. Because those kind of things lean so far into the zone of things Touko doesn’t really know how to handle, that it makes her close to uncomfortable. And if— if she had humored herself in imagining how she would ideally spend her birthday this year; quite frankly, it would be very quiet and boring and only with Komaru. Not with a group of ten year olds. Ten year olds that she might think of rather fondly, but ten year old brats all the same.

( It’s not like she has any alive friends: if Touko acknowledges the other survivors, justifiably they are too busy with more important matters to fuss over a birthday. They aren’t kids anymore. Some of them hadn’t ever really been like normal kids to begin with, but that’s besides the point )

“Look at the bright side,” She starts, and she bites back a snide what bright side and remark about how that’s all Komaru’s good at ( it’s not. She’s more talented than she gives herself credit for ). “None of you probably have really positive memories when it comes to birthdays or parties, so even if it isn’t the greatest, at least the bar to please should be pretty easy to clear!”

Touko thinks she probably gets the point she is trying to make here, but Komaru’s complete and utter lack of tact doesn’t make for the best delivery. “Are you trying to...to make me feel bad? S-So sorry my life was complete sh-shit growing up.”

“No! That’s not what I meant at all!” Komaru pouts at her. “Does that mean you’re not interested in having a party?”

It’s not like she’s so cold-hearted and selfish that she’s going to say no to that. Well, no, that’s not quite true, Touko might be just that; but it doesn’t really matter either way, because Komaru gives her best kicked dog impression, so she says ( a less than enthusiastic ) no, she doesn’t mind, yes you can have a party; even if she thinks she’ll probably regret that choice.

Okay, if you are to be honest with herself, some part of Touko that never got to be a normal child doesn’t entirely mind the thought of a party, even if it’s...not the most ideal scenario, the impractical fantasy situation that lives in her head. But if she says that aloud, Komaru will either take it too seriously, use it as an excuse to celebrate things more often, or something else that probably has consequences that she doesn’t want to think about. And also admittedly because if she says it aloud, she has to acknowledge it, and maybe she doesn't want to get her hopes up over something as stupid as a party.

( There’s also the fact that, deep in her extremely repressed memories of Hope’s Peak before the tragedy, she does remember parties. Birthdays. Celebrating things with her classmates, if somewhat forcibly so. She has no desire to remember those things, so those feelings remain repressed with most of her trauma )

It’s easy to not acknowledge any of that when she has to deal with the sudden onslaught of a headache that is Syo forcing themselves into their shared headspace, hand rubbing at her temples. Not trying to co-front, she can tell they aren’t trying to snatch control from her ( for now ), just forcing her to pay attention to them. It works, even though Touko has told them to not do this specifically because of how irritating it is for her.

I could scare the kids into cooperating? It’ll save us a headache and a half! Syo offers, maybe too eagerly. Their ideas of scare and cooperate are probably different from her own. Still. She also knows Syo is aware of more than they are letting on, given that they had been present when this conversation had occurred, but she doesn’t think she’ll get much out of them in that regard.

No. Touko tells them firmly. It’ll be counterproductive, Komaru won’t let you do that, and they’re all traumatized enough without you adding to that.

Boo, you sure about that? Consider it a birthday gift from me!

No. She repeats herself sternly, and she feels them withdraw a bit after that. Ugh, Syo hasn’t had a chance to front much recently, now that she thinks about it. Since they usually only take over when she’s in danger, and she hasn’t really been in ( as much ) danger now that things are starting to calm down. Well, relatively speaking. Syo is probably just looking for an excuse to be allowed to front, since it’s probably rough going from being very present to rarely getting the chance to be out: akin to going cold turkey on an addiction. That’s not exactly her fault ( or theirs ), but maybe she’ll ask Komaru if she’d be okay with hanging out with Syo more, if only to placate them a little, before they try something more drastic.

“Everything okay? That was Syo, right?” She hears Komaru ask after a few minutes, and Touko rubs her eyes and blinks. “You looked a little frustrated.”

She considers telling her the truth, but no point in getting her concerned over nothing. She’d like to figure out what she wants to negotiate with Syo firstm so she’ll leave that conversation for another time. “Fine. They just...ugh, just wanted to make sure I was okay with it.”

“And you are okay with it, right? You aren’t agreeing just because I asked?” Touko thinks she begged more than she asked, but she’s pretty sure Komaru will only sulk if she brings that up.

“I wouldn’t let you if, if I was really opposed to it.” Probably. She...trusted Komaru, or something like that, so she figures she’d probably be more honest with herself and not mentally torture herself by putting herself through something she has no interest in. “But...what are you even planning on doing to celebrate? I can’t im-imagine we’ve really got much around here that we can use for a party.”

“Ah. Uhm.” Komaru looks a little embarrassed at that. “About that. I was kind of hoping you and Syo might help pitch in. You don’t mind, right?”

You’re hopeless, she wants to mutter, but—

Yeah!!!! Syo wakes right back up upon being mentioned, no sense of self awareness at all, much to your annoyance, but it’s not like you completely disagree with the feeling that is shared between you two.

“You— You really bit off more than you could chew, hm...? Good thing this wasn’t supposed t-t-to be a surprise.” She quips, leaning over to peer at the paper she’d been making her notes on. “We’ll help, just tell us what we...what we need to do.”

“Thank you, Touko-chan! And Syo too!” Komaru sounds somewhere mixed between grateful and relieved, and casually plants a kiss on her cheek as if it’s no big deal—

She said my name last, so the kiss was for me! She knows Syo is intentionally trying to provoke her and get a rise out of her ( yeah, a rising sense of jealousy ), but puts that aside for the time being because Komaru’s blabbering on like nothing happened.

“I know we probably won’t have the whole day to ourselves to do whatever—” Correctomundo, Dekomaru! “— but I’ll make it up to you on your birthday, okay? We’ll do something that you want.”

“You don't...there’s no need for that.” She forces out between gritted teeth, trying to ignore the flustered feeling in the pit of her stomach, chewing around a fingernail ( what an unattractive sight to follow that ). “Because— ugh, don’t repeat th-this, okay? What I want to do is spend time with...with you. That’s all. So don’t go...you don’t need to go out of your way trying to do s-s-something over the top. Stick to being normal.”

“Really? You’re sure?” Komaru sounds a little uncertain, but happy enough to pull her into a hug, despite her grumbled complaint. “Oh, but Syo has their own birthday, don’t they? So I should probably ask them what they want as well, right?”

“Don’t make me repeat m-myself. It’s embarrassing...” Touko huffs, but lets herself be held against her side, just for a moment. It’s nice, though she won’t admit it ( it is better than any real gift that she could receive ). Syo is kind enough to back off long enough to let her have this moment. “You can ask them later— focus on, on what you need to plan.”

By something short of a miracle, they are able to pull together a party that is not a complete disaster, even if Komaru probably has a point when she says the bar to clear is a pretty low standard for all parties involved. The closest she has to an actual concern is the very narrowly avoided fight that almost breaks out when Masaru and Kotoko fight over which one of them should give their present first— which is apparently the competitive aspect of the party? It’s probably meant to be heartwarming, if it were not such a foreign thing to Touko. Which Nagisa is quick to put an end to: because this is how they would treat Monaca, which is not inherently healthy, and she’s glad that at least one of them can recognize that fact now. Jataro spends the entirety of the fight trying to hide behind her long skirt and, relatable kid, and rubs the top of his head while Komaru tries to both scold them for fighting and appease them because they’re, well. Kids. Who still need to learn some things and have time to unlearn things.

So yeah, it’s a good party— for not being on her actual birthday, she’ll consider it one of the better memories Touko has associated with the day. The start of many, she’d like to hope.

“look what you made me do” 2/? | masterpost

aka: me making taylor swift songs about dean winchester and/or deancas bc it’s what dean himself would want

second song on deck, as promised; this one actually has quite a few cas beats in it, especially at the start, despite it having a dean vibe overall, so it should be interesting. again, bonus fanvid link at the end <3

this is me trying

i've been having a hard time adjusting i had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

ok, we start off strong with a couplet that could suit either dean or cas. “the shiniest wheels” is actually a perfectly fitting metaphor for a show that treats cars like emotional avatars of the people who drive them (i could so easily go into a digression about how the same thing happens in trc but this is the wrong post for that... how do i keep finding myself emotionally invested in car-fetishizing media while barely being a can-drive gay myself). ANYWAY, the first thing that comes to mind is the impala and how it’s pretty much synonymous with dean’s sense of self, how it gets wrecked and rebuilt over the course of the show, often tied in to his emotional state. and dean, well. he’s built up a lot of trauma over the years, but he’s also just getting older, as humans do.

on the other hand, we could also see it as a cas line - he’s not as much of a carfucker car aficionado as dean but he’s an adoptive winchester so hey, it still kinda works (rip to the pimpmobile, gone but not forgotten). what i MEAN is -- cas has been slowly falling from grace ever since season 4. he was becoming more human in season 5 already, with a grim prediction of his human future in 5x04; then lived as human for a while in season 7; then became completely human in season 9 before regaining his grace. but in season 15, again, his grace was apparently failing (boy it would be SUCH a shame if that plot point just, like... got dropped... 😐). substitute “wings” for “wheels” and you get a picture of someone who used to be this unstoppable, super-powered angel soldier that demons cowered in fear of, but has slowly become more human over time. as for “a hard time adjusting”... well, cas’ journey towards humanity has not been the easiest transition: it’s come with self-doubt, mental and physical pain, and of course, as he learned about love: heartbreak.

TL;DR: LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST AND THESE GUYS ARE TIRED.

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back; i have a lot of regrets about that

‘kay, this next part is definitely cas. cas who, as i mentioned in the previous post, just keeps leaving, whether that’s because he’s sacrificing himself or taking off on his own. and because that typically goes over like a lead balloon with dean, either because it leaves him grieving and traumatised or it plays right into his abandonment issues (or both - hello purgatory arc!), cas would be tentative about coming back. it’s also very apparent that castiel feels like the winchesters only value him for his abilities and powers (and after all, he’s been created to be a soldier), so if he feels like he’s not being helpful enough, he also tends not to feel wanted (again: dean wants him to stay, but cas wants to be asked to stay). plus, we know every time they’ve had a falling out it takes dean a bit to get over his anger (“dean, i thought i was doing the right thing”; “yeah, you always do”) so i don’t think cas takes his forgiveness for granted, especially if he has lied to him in the process (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode). “a lot of regrets”, indeed.

pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down; and maybe i don't quite know what to say, but i'm here in your doorway.

here, again, the car can easily work as a metaphor for someone’s emotional state. pulling over to take a breather, to try to assess things from a distance; and with lookout points so often being perched on steep hills, it’s easy to imagine the sense of vertigo, your own fear and self-doubt almost pushing you towards dangerous, self-destructive ideas. and we know cas doesn’t do things by halves - when he’s committed to something he believes is right, he goes all out. and yes, that has led to more than one falling out. 

but despite that - despite his worst fears telling him he should not come back to dean unless he’s “coming back with a win”, or able to protect him from harm (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode AGAIN), he does always come back to him. it’s the one thing that dean can always depend on, castiel finding his way back to him like dean is his true north. i’m here in your doorway; the please take me back once more is implied.

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

(and dean does take him back, because however many times castiel feels that he has failed in his mission, he always comes back and tries again, tries harder, tries to make it right or do it better. and that’s something dean relates to - fucking up in the worst ways and getting beaten down but always getting back up, always starting over, always trying again. in fact, he’s kind of the one who taught cas that. and with that-- we move over to the dean portion of this.)

they told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential

ah, it wouldn’t be a dean pov without some good old fashioned self deprecation. “all of my cages were mental” isn’t 100% accurate in dean’s case because he has been dealt a pretty shit hand by life, but he also excels at self-sabotage. “I got wasted” is of course an allusion to his alcoholism, but then we have the clever play on words with “wasted potential”, which... hits close to home. all dean’s ever done is tried to live up to what he thought he should be, always feeling like he was falling short. never quite the favourite son, never the man his father thought he should be, not strong enough to resist hell, not the righteous sword of michael the angels expected, not good enough for the people he loves not to leave him, just not enough.

and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad i have a lot of regrets about that

...as i said above: though dean does always forgive the people he loves, it still takes him quite a bit to get over his anger at them. and when he’s angry, he lashes out, often saying things that come off cruel, things he absolutely does not mean. and this part reminds me, yet again, of dean’s painful confession in 15x09, about how he gets so angry and doesn’t know why (of course, the answer is trauma and childhood abuse; but he has no way to process that); and he tries to stop it but he can’t, and he always, always regrets it in the end.

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here

oh, dean. dean winchester with his ged and his give ‘em hell attitude. he breaks my heart. i touched on this in my previous post, but there’s something to be said for the fact that dean had to grow up so fast, he really didn’t grow at all in some ways ( “so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”). from a young age he was shoved in a parental role, having to be both a father and mother to sam, which meant never getting to exist just for himself. which of course, in turn, means he never got to develop a healthy degree of emotional maturity. in “bad boys”, we find out that the only time dean even got close to being a normal teenager, receiving positive reinforcement by sonny and bonding with his peers, john ripped him right out of that safe haven; and by the time “after school special” is set in, he’s given up on ever getting a shot at a healthy environment, using denial as a coping mechanism by trying to pass off his and sam’s shitty, depressing lives as super edgy and cool.

pourin' out my heart to a stranger but i didn't pour the whiskey i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying at least i'm trying

i don’t really need to explain this bit i guess, but it’s about the implications of how it can somehow be easier to open up to a complete stranger rather than someone you care about; and how for dean, who is used to frequenting seedy bars and dives, one-night stands are as much about comfort than they are about pleasure. that’s the only way he knows how to let himself be touched, seen, held -- because of course, “no chick flick moments”, and besides, we know that when he falls in love he falls hard, so it’s safer to just roll in and out of town. 

the interesting part in this context though, is that “but i didn’t pour the whiskey”, especially since we know dean, like every other winchester, tends to drown out his problems with alcohol; so him choosing to not do that, and instead just look for comfort from a stranger (whether it’s through sex or just chatting away at a bar) is, in itself, a sign of trying to do better. because if there’s one thing dean knows how to do, is trying, and trying, and trying again. in fact, as i mentioned above, it’s kinda where cas learned it too. and we know dean is a stand-in for human nature, so of course, this is also a larger discourse of how humans are flawed and imperfect but can always improve, always do better, always try harder or be more. and maybe that’s what makes a righteous man, really.

and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

this next part... listen. i don’t know how it fits into the narrative of trying, but what i do know is i can’t stop thinking about grieving dean. about how every time he loses cas, a little piece of him dies too, but it’s a piece that gets bigger and bigger every time, carving a hollow inside him. it’s unsightly, it’s unforgiving, it’s raw - it’s like an open wound. and as much as dean has always taken on the role of the person who puts on a brave face, makes a joke, and pushes all his feelings down, well -- it’s hard to that; it’s hard to focus on anything else when he’s missing cas like a phantom limb. “all i want is you” which is to say i’d rather have you, cursed or not; which is to say, i need you. need you badly enough to see your face everywhere after escaping purgatory, just like “a flashback in a film reel”. 

and i just wanted you to know that this is me trying  (maybe i don't quite know what to say) i just wanted you to know that this is me trying; at least i'm trying.

so, yes. dean is trying. he’s always trying, even though healing and progress are not linear or easy. and he knows he’s got anger issues, he knows he’s bad with his words, but damn it, he always shows up for the people he loves, and he tries to do better, every. damn. time. partly because he’s us, he’s all of us, he’s human perfectibility incarnate; and partly because he loves cas so damn much and maybe if he gets it right this time he’ll get to keep him -- and i don’t know which of the two options makes my heart hurt the most.

---

fanvid rec link here! it’s only for the second half of the song, so the more dean-centric one :)

AU where Piper doesn't give up the godhood and instead disappears to parts unknown to cause chaos. Leo, up in Elderland, is drowning himself in his work as an escape. Phoebe, unable to deal with the trauma of losing yet another family member to magic, swears off magic and moves to Hong Kong with Jason. Paige is left trying to raise Wyatt and fight demons with only Chris for support.

yoooo fuckin grunge rendition & a perfect kickoff for a dark future tho in this dark future i don’t think it’s be like Evil Wyatt™ i think it’s be more like the world falls out of balance with the charmed ones severed and piper’s off fucking up shit i think we’ll put paige & henry together somehow in this au but like eventually they’re gonna have to leave the manor bc it’s such a seat of power and without the charmed ones they’re really vulnerable so henry’s like okay well i know you haven’t spoken with your sister in like almost a year but don’t you think it’s time let’s just go there so paige is like alright everyone pack your bags and chris is like i’m not going and paige is like what don’t be ridiculous of course you’re going and chris is like no i’ll stay here and protect the manor and paige is like you’ll die and chris is like i’m dying anyways. well, ceasing to exist, more like and paige is all like what sudden plot device are you springing on me now and chris is like well um in short i kinda fucked up and paige is like noah fence but i sorta got that when you made piper a god with no plan to get it out of her and chris is like yes okay i mean like globally i fucked up there but like on a personal level i also sorta fucked up? yeah. piper’s my mom. and paige is like !!!!!!! okay What??? and chris is like i needed to get close to the charmed ones to stop the dark future from happening i figured i could pose as your whitelighter you know stop the world from turning evil but that meant i had to get rid of leo. my dad. and paige is like okay i Need to sit down what the fuck What The Fuck and you did all this- and you- and now everything’s worse- and chris is like if it’s any consolation i’m pretty sure i at least got us off the evil dictator wyatt timeline and paige is like WHAT and chris is like yeah :/ but you’re- you’re doing a great job paige. if anyone can fix this, you can. sorry. and paige like goes downstairs and henry has wyatt and like a duffel and is like where’s chris and paige is like he’s staying behind and henry’s like what he can’t and paige is like no. he can. let’s go. and she orbs them out meanwhile chris’s math is telling him he’s got like a week maybe a week and a half til his conception so if there’s any time to use witchcraft it’s now i guess and he begins a ritual to tether him to the house. as long as it still stands, he’ll still be with it, guarding it from evil. it takes him almost a week to get the spell right, but he does it, unknowingly fusing himself with the nexus in the process. leo notices paige is gone and the house is empty and orbs in fearing the worst, only to find a chris that isn’t entirely chris well more like he is entirely chris and then some. he can tell he’s fused with the nexus. he’s also see-through, stuck permanently in the fade out of existence, but not to truly die until the house is gone. and leo has nothing to say. he has nothing to say bc everything here is his fault and this is all his doing and oh my god the world is falling apart and now there’s a ghost chris haunting the manor and he’ll never see his wife again and oh my god so he just sorta sits down in defeat and chris sorta sits down next to him like sorry i fucked all this up and leo’s like it’s not your fault. i did this and chris is like you can’t take all the blame i made the moves to put you in that position and leo’s like yeah and i still made them gods that was my own choice. and chris is like. did beat the titans tho. and leo’s like yeah lmao looks like we saved the world huh and chris is like yeah. it’s only going up from here. and it’s quiet for a minute and chris is like can i need to tell you something and leo’s like okay and chris is just like quiet and leo’s like are you actually gonna tell me and chris is like yeah but then he’s quiet again and leo’s just sorta like gonna sit there like let him take his time and they just like Sit There and after a while chris is like i’m your son and you know it’s not like leo was necessarily expecting anything but he really wasn’t expecting That and leo’s like like you’re my. like my son, like me & piper’s. son. and chris is like yeah :/ and leo’s just like oh. sorry. and chris is like for what? and leo’s like you had to come back to save the future clearly i fucked that one up to and chris is like no you didn’t. you... and leo’s like what and chris is like you never stopped believing in good. and he’s not entirely sure why he’s saying all this bc up until this very moment he thought that was his father’s biggest flaw and it’s what he hated about him but like right now. like what else can they really do but hope for the good in people. and leo’s like were we close? and chris is like no not really. and leo’s like oh :( and they just sit there. and after a while the elders chime and leo’s like i gotta go i guess. and chris is like yeah. and leo’s like i’m not giving up. not yet. we can still save the future. and chris just looks over at his dad and like leo means it like he’s got this look in his eyes this newfound fire and it sorta makes chris hope too and leo tries to pat chris on the shoulder but his hand sorta just waves through him but chris almost smiles like he gets the sentiment and leo orbs out and for the first time in like a long time chris just. cries. over in hong kong phoebe is hosting paige and henry (& baby wyatt) and she’s being cordial but it’s obvious she’s on edge and she’s practically begging paige to stay with her, to bind her magic. they’re protected and cloaked and they can live a normal life like they always wanted and paige is like i never wanted a normal life. i don’t want to live in a world without magic, i don’t want to live in a world without my sisters and phoebe’s like a world with magic is a world without your sisters. i should know. please don’t let it take you too.

okay this keeps going for another 3000 words i have no self restraint. the rest is under the cut

and paige really has to grapple with that because it’s sort of true. either she hides or she goes down fighting because it doesn’t seem like she can make it out of this one alive. and she knows if it was just her, she’d fight. she’d fight to the bitter end but it’s not just her it’s her and henry and baby wyatt it’s not just her. so it’s not just her decision to make. and phoebe says she can stay as long as she wants so long as she doesn’t practice any magic. demons can’t really track them if they never actively use their magic, and with the most basic wards phoebe set up, they’re practically invisible to the other side (jason has been informed about magic but he stays on a need to know basis). & paige hates it. i mean for starters she’s miles from home in a foreign country and while she still has her whitelighter gift of omnilingualism she sees phoebe tense up whenever she speaks mandarin so she stops using it around the house. and jason’s place is really nice and spacious and it’s not like they’re all living on top of one another but like paige feels insanely cooped up and she keeps watching the news and sees all these things happening and they’re like wow this is so unexplainable. experts are baffled. no scientific explanation. and she knows it’s magic and she knows she has to do something about it and henry can sense she’s getting antsy and he wants her to know that no matter what she chooses he’s behind her 100% and paige is like no it’s way too dangerous and henry’s like i don’t care paige i’m not going to sit on the sidelines and do nothing especially if this is as dangerous as you say it is and paige is like i can’t let you get hurt and henry’s like you don’t think i feel the same way? if we go down, we’re going down together. i’m with you in this. for better or worse. and paige is like okay. but just one thing first. and henry’s ready to argue to put up a fight but is completely caught off guard when paige says marry me. and phoebe is overjoyed to have a wedding and like jason’s completely willing to cover the whole thing because he hasn’t seen phoebe smile like this since piper went missing but paige and henry really don’t want all the bells and whistles so they just have a super lowkey ceremony in the living room which to be fair is huge & extravagant and has a beautiful view of the hong kong skyline and phoebe’s feeling like this happiness and hope that she hasn’t felt in such a long time and she even lets paige conjure a wedding dress even though paige said she was fine just getting married in one of phoebe’s nice white dresses phoebe’s like no this is your special day this is your wedding it should be yours it should be you and paige smiles and gives her a hug and even though phoebe’s powers are bound she can feel this tug from her empathy as if it’s trying to bubble to the surface. so blah blah blah paige and henry get married and they’re getting ready to like you know do their best to try to save the world namely to get piper back and they’re leaving wyatt with phoebe and jason but paige pulls phoebe aside like come with us. piper’s your sister too, you can save her. and phoebe’s like i can’t. i couldn’t then, i can’t now, i’m not strong enough. and paige is like i think that’s bullshit i think you are strong enough i think you’re just scared. and phoebe’s like paige you might think you know me but you don’t know me that well. i’m not scared; i’m terrified. and if i was strong enough, i’d stop you. i’d stop you from going on a suicide mission and i’d stop you from leaving me the last man standing but if there’s one thing it seems i’ve never been strong enough to do it’s save my sisters. and paige is like you saved me. way back in s4, you saved me. you are strong enough. come with me. and phoebe’s like i can’t blah blah blah henry’s been talking with jason because jason’s like oh are you gonna go save the world and henry’s like nah i’m probably just gonna die and jasons like oh. . is that like your game plan? and henry’s like paige is gonna try to find piper. she hopes if she can bring her back, she can fix the balance. and jasons like bring her back from where and henry sorta sighs that sigh that you sigh when you’re in way over your head and he’s like godhood and jason’s like excuse me and henry like yeah know all the freak storms that have been happening lately and jason’s like that’s piper? and henry’s like yeah and jason’s like shit. and he sort looks over at phoebe who’d like now in the kitchen and she’s got a death grip on a mug of tea and looks like she’s trying not to feel anything and henry looks over at paige who’s like basically putting on her war paint and stocking up on potion ingredients and this that and the other and both these lads know this situations fucked up and jason’s like look not that i’m trying to rush you off to your death but and henry’s like great start and jason’s like i own a satellite company or some bullshit blah blah blah basically we’ve been tracking these storms trying to figure out where the next one’s gonna hit and henry’s you can track piper. and jason’s like. yeah. i had no idea, but yeah. and henry’s like where’s the next one gonna be and jason makes a call blah blah blah it’s all in mandarin so henry has no idea what’s going on and jason’s like it looks like you have home field advantage. the next one’s gonna be in san francisco. and so paige and henry orb back to the manor and paige is like brewing potions like nobody’s business and henry’s like so what’s the plan and paige is like uhh to be perfectly frank there is no plan we’re just gonna wing it try to talk her down and if that doesn’t work... and henry’s like if that doesn’t work? paige is like try to stop her. and henry nods and paige is like it’s not too late to back out. and henry’s like not a chance. and paige is like brewing potions when chris floats in a paige is so shocked she almost blows up the whole attic adding an ingredient to a potion. and chris is like what’re you doing here? and paige is like you still exist? and henry’s like wait what does that mean? why can i see through you? and chris is like i tethered myself to the house. as long as it’s here i’m here. and paige is like that works?? and henry’s like you’re a ghost?? and chris is like i don’t think so. dad- leo says i’m the nexus. and paige is like you’re the nexus??? and henry’s like leo’s your father??? and paige is like yeah wait circle back you’ve talked to leo?????? and chris is like is like yes to all but can you answer my question and paige is like what was your question and chris is like why are you here and paige is like oh. and she’s looking at all her potions and like wondering whether or not she should tell chris she's here to throw hands with his mom when henry cuts in and says piper’s coming. and chris is like what? how do you know? and henry’s like jason’s weather tracking. a giant storm’s gonna hit in an hour, maybe two if we’re lucky. and with it- is gonna be my mom. and chris is like okay. what’s the plan. and paige is like there is no plan. and chris is like what do you mean there’s no plan? and henry’s like we’re gonna try to talk her down. chris is like and if that doesn’t work? and paige is like well then we try not to die. and chris is like well what are you going to say and paige is like ...i don’t know yet. it’ll come to me in the moment. and chris is like you’re joking and paige is like well do you have a better idea? and chris is like orbs out but when he does it’s like polluted with a dark smoke that paige recognizes as the nexus and she’s just like god this is so fucked up and then like lightning strikes and thunder rumbles and rain starts falling down and henry’s like i think it’s about to get worse. and paige like grabs a fistful of potions and she’s like you ready? and henry’s like there’s no one i’d rather face the end of the world with and takes her hand and they go out to the front steps of the manor and paige starts yelling to the sky like piper! piper it’s your sister! it’s paige! please come talk to me! piper! and like she and henry are already soaked to the bone and lightning strikes and brings down a tree near the side of the house but henry and paige stay standing and paige is like piper i’m not going anywhere! you’re my family; i’m not leaving! and piper’s like i don’t have a family. and she’s like a far cry from the party city goddess we saw in the season five her hair is long and wild and there seems to be vines growing intertwined with it and he dress has been soaked with mud and seawater and earth so many times it’s now like a fucked up brown and it’s got rips and tears that have been patched over by moss that seems to grow out of her skin and when she moves the earth seems to bend towards her. meanwhile in hong kong jason’s like why didn’t you tell me it was piper and phoebe’s like what and jason’s like this the world ending the apocalypse why didn’t you tell me it was piper? and phoebe’s like would it have made a difference? and jason’s like yes! phoebe she’s your sister, she means the world to you and phoebe’s like she’s not my sister anymore and jason’s like what and phoebe’s like that thing inside her, that power, it’s taken over. it’s not piper; piper would never do this. and she just sorta starts crying and jason pulls her in close and phoebe’s just like it’s not piper. i wish i had piper. and jason’s like i think you should go. with paige. i think you should go save her. and phoebe’s like what? and jason’s like i’ll watch wyatt. i can get you off the ground within the hour and have you land the as close as you can to san francisco, and i’ll- i’ll get a car to be there for you can you can drive the rest of the way but phoebe you need to be there. and phoebe’s like to do what? and jason’s like to tell her how much you need her. and phoebe just sort of wipes off her tears and is like okay and jason’s like i call the pilot and phoebe’s like there’s no time. i just need some rosemary, cypress, and yarrow root. and jason’s like what? and phoebe’s already like dragging stuff down from the cabinets and mixing it all in a bowl and like grabs a knife and jason’s just sorta like !!! and phoebe’s you know like power of the witches rise / course unseen across the skies / magic that i must unbind / a lost sister i must find and she looks over and jason and she’s terrified and jason kisses her and says i love you and phoebe says i love you too and she cuts open her finger spilling blood and chants blood to blood i call to you / blood to blood i return to and like a swirl of witches orbs and she’s gone and jason just hopes she comes back bc he’s got a ring ready for her when she does. and phoebe finds herself in the manor in the middle of what feels like a hurricane. and she can hear paige screaming outside. you do have a family, piper! we’re your family. and she hears piper scream and the earth shift and phoebe’s terrified like she might actually have a panic attack like terrified and she wonders if she should just go home where it’s safe but she looks around and. she is home. this is her home. and she can’t run anymore. and paige is still trying to talk piper down like wyatt still needs you! your son, wyatt, he needs his mother! and phoebe just hears a crashing sound and henry yelling like paige we need to get inside. and paige is like i’m staying right here! you hear that, piper? you’re gonna have to kill me, because there’s no way i’m leaving you! and phoebe like runs out in the pouring rain because she’s like 90% sure piper is about to kill paige so she just like. throws herself in front of paige, placing herself firmly between her and piper and yells piper! piper this isn’t you! you’re not a god you’re a charmed one! you’re my sister! you’re our family! and piper stops moving and it looks like tears might be running down her face but it might just be the torrential rain and phoebe starts walking towards her like you were there. when i was born. right in the living room piper you have been with me every second of my life! you taught me how to ride a bike! you let me back in after i ran away! and when i had lost myself to the greatest evil, when i thought i could never come back, you saved me, piper. come back. and she’d like a few feet away from piper and she can see how much this women changed how inhuman she’s become but it doesn’t matter bc she can still see piper and she just repeats like come back piper. come home. and thunder stops rumbling and the wind stops howling but it’s still a downpour of rain and paige hands all of her potions over to henry and runs over to piper and piper looks like a cornered animal and she just looks scared. she looks scared and angry and upset and she’s looking to phoebe and paige like she’s begging them to have the answers and paige is like you have a family. we’re your family. and piper’s like no. my family is gone. and phoebe’s like we’re right here. and piper words are just catching in her throat and she can’t even speak and when she hears the words i’m sorry, i should have never left you. the rain just stops all together and as she turns around to see leo her dress starts to disintegrate deteriorating like it would if it wasn’t held together by magic and she’s looking at leo like she can’t believe her eyes and leo just holds out his hands and is like i miss you, more than words can tell i miss you and i love you i never stopped i’ll never stop, piper... and there’s this insane amount of lightning and it just crackles everywhere and henry calls out because he’s sure paige just got fried and the whole place smells like ozone and when it clears and eyes adjust it’s piper, still a god, but different. moss no longer grows from her skin and vines don’t sprout from her hair, her ruined gown is back to a pristine white, and she’s holding leo’s hands. and leo’s just like come back home piper. and she hugs him, still crying as the essence of a god leaves her body. and phoebe and paige immediately make this a group hug completely forgetting boundaries bc like it’s piper again and they have waited so long to see piper again and piper just sort of. laughs, mixed in with a sob. and they all hold her so so super tight and she’s like okay people. can you let me breathe and uhh like Everyone is crying a lil bit (save for henry who’s just like. a lil bit confused) and piper goes back into the manor and sees like nexus!chris and she’s like woah why are you a ghost and chris is like it doesn’t matter. i’m gonna- i’m gonna go move on. it seems like the future’s saved, so... and leo’s like you don’t have to go. you could stay. and chris is like this isn’t my world. i’ve been clinging onto existence for too long, it’s time to let go and leo like looks at chris and he knows that he’s made up his mind and there’s no changing it so he just goes in to give chris a hug and when he does he actually cna make contact and he squeezes him tight and chris’s final words are just i love you, dad before he fades out of existence and piper’s like i’m sorry. dad? and leo’s like yeah um it’s a long story and piper’s like uh huh. and paige is like also i got married! and henry’s like hi. and piper’s like uh huh! okay! and she turns to phoebe like any surprises from you? and phoebe’s like no. um i’ve been going to a lot of therapy. and piper’s just like. alrighty then. and she’s sorta looking around the house and it’s sorta a shitshow like it’s been near destroyed by the storm and she’s just like you know looking around like fuck i really did all this oh god i just did like a lot of this i did a lot of damage around the world and leo notices her and is like. you know. by magic done can be magic undone. and piper’s like excuse me? and leo’s like whatever you did as a god. it can be reversed. it won’t change the memories of the time lost but... and piper’s just sort of nodding and she’s like it sounds like we’ll need the power of three and paige is like i can’t tell you how good it feels to hear that again and the girls all hold hands and close their eyes and phoebe starts off like a world out of balance a sisterhood broken / reunited and healed with these words spoken and paige is like we call on the power of three to guide us / drawing on good magic to save us from crisis and piper’s like to reverse the damage and harm that was done / we three witches ask as one and like top it off with an in unison as we will it / so mote it be and like you know a soft gold light like pours out and flows over everything you know the clouds part and the sun shines and the trees right themselves and glass repairs itself and henry’s like woahhh bc like he’s never seen magic on this level before and paige can’t help but smile and she kisses him and like piper’s with leo and phoebe’s like word. cue the screech of burning rubber sound of pounding footsteps and desperate knocking on the door and phoebe’s like i’ll get that i guess and she opens the door to find jason dean red faced and out of breath on her doorstep and phoebe’s like surprised and she goes in to hug him but as soon as he sees her he like drops to one knee and still trying to catch his breath pulls out a ring like phoebe halliwell will you marry me? and phoebe’s like !!! yes! and like jason’s driver comes up the front steps holding baby wyatt and he’s sorta hovering behind like is this jason’s baby he seems a lil busy right now i guess i’ll keep holding this kid when wyatt sees piper and is like mama! and orbing right out of that man’s handing into piper’s arms and jason’s like yeah uh pretend you didn’t see that and the drivers like yeah. i’m gonna go wait in the car. blah blah blah happy ending wyatt telekinetically closes the door.

tell me about heldolin possible reconcilliation? // @usedhearts​

rubs my filthy little gay hands together. oh yeah baby talk complicated wlw to me--

So, the groundwork for this hypothetical: Our little AU for 3, where Gwyndolin is saved from her canonical fate by a daring rescue on the part of her ex-wife. The two have been distant for some decades, ranging from cool hostility to open disregard, but with that underlying air of disappointment lacing every interaction. There’s nothing to salvage, but Hel’s not the kind of person that can leave anyone to what was planned, regardless of their interpersonal issues. One fraught road trip through enemy territory until they reach safety later...

Well there’s a lot to work through. First being Lin’s lingering trauma surrounding her captivity. Her we get the first hints of reconciliation in Hel’s refusal to let her deal with it alone. Yes, Gwynevere can help, and yes, her realm is safe and offers whatever support the wayward queen requires, but no one here saw it. No one here understood what the Valley had become. Even if they have lingering disagreements, Hel is the one sleeping on the floor of Lin’s chamber rather than in her own bed, because she can’t stand to think of someone she once cared for dealing with all of this alone. It helps, in some way, because Lin does need someone there and is going through it trying to cope.

Every possible reconciliation attempt proceeds from there. Hel has gone through, well, hell and back to save Lin and is still devoted to making sure she’s safe, but it’s not romantic. It’s honestly just Hel doing what she perceives as the right thing. Whether it helps or not, or her role could be filled by anyone else Lin cared for, it doesn’t matter because she’s the one there. And like it or not, she’s not going anywhere. From this, we have a variety of options but the two I personally see working out are these: 

Lin coming to rely on that, sort of clinging to Hel even if not literally. When not dealing with any official business regarding the ongoing political nightmare, she might drift towards Hel, wherever she is within the palace. 

Alternatively, given the mood of most of their interactions post-divorce, there’s a chance it starts as resentment. That Lin can’t stand to be in her shadow, clinging to her in the daylight when her struggles are easier to bear. 

Either way, the two are at least within physical proximity to one another, given Lin’s mental health and coping skills. Which is, inevitably, going to lead to a lot more run ins with her nephew.

Hel in a lot of ways has come to care for Lothric as if he were her own, because my God someone has to love that kid beyond his brother. Someone has to care about his wellbeing. He’s irreverent and he’s anxious and he’s struggling but determined to keep going, hardly the pious saint of the royal family’s propaganda. His wit is sharp and at times cruel, and he’s unsure about a lot of things but trying to hide that fact. Lin’s going to have to, through watching Hel interact with him, accept that her nephew is in fact more than a sacrifice -- for now. I think it’s Lin showing initiative to defrost ice queen around Lothric is going to start changing Hel’s demeanor towards her as well.

Like that’s not to say Lin changing overnight to team ‘hey yeah let’s not roast a living person with autonomy who never had a chance to live!’ is what it would take. That’d be unrealistic and OOC. I think it’s just. Hel being able to see that Lin can set aside her pride or stubbornness just long enough to get to know her sacrificial lamb as a person, as something more than what the rest of the world makes him by hers and Nev’s design. Lin defrosts to Lothric, Hel defrosts to Lin. It’s equivalent.

I think that would be the tipping point to sort of lessen the feeling of obligation between them. Maybe they can finally start talking again like people who are on at least civil terms, if not outright friendly. In my head it plays a little like their initial childhood interactions where Lin is reticent but observant and Hel is the more daring of them. She leads, and for a time, to a certain degree, Lin follows. And during the course of the narrative, as the latter grows stronger, as she acclimates herself to life outside of a cage, Hel starts to back off more and more. 

Maybe Lin won’t need her so much now, maybe things will go back to normal. And instead, Lin still leaves the door open between them, as it were. Just because she’s no longer so reliant on Hel doesn’t mean she wants her gone. 

Or maybe she tries to keep her distance if she’s still fighting against certain imminent realizations. Maybe she tries to shut the door but finds, as always, Hel has a key and she just. Accepts it over time. It’s her choice whether to come and go, just as she can choose to tell her to leave. 

Another vital step in their potential reconciliation is that it not be built upon reliance or obligation -- now they can see each other as relative equals.

By this point Hel’s been doing everything short of actually saying the words to convey she’s not stopped loving Lin. Even if she doesn’t realize it, there’s no other way people can take her actions. For Lin, I don’t know if it’s that simple but we can talk it out next time you’re online because Christ I’ve been typing this so long the weekend is over and you are back at work. The vibe I get from your Lin is that even if she cares she’s daddy’s girl and stubborn as hell once she’s been hurt. She’s either unsure or unwilling to convey that she’d like to patch things up. Which is valid, she’s been through a lot, there’s so much to work through before she even thinks of romance ever again. She’s especially been through the loss of her daughter, and that bond comes before anything else.

(Sidenote for those who are not privy to our discord lore: Let’s put a pin in the fact that at present Lothric has decided his salvation lies in overriding his mother’s decision to just lock him in the kiln once he’s ‘ready.’ He’s seen how Hel can influence his aunt and said ‘Yes, of course, I have to Parent Trap them into a reconciliation and then Hel will convince Aunt Gwyndolin I deserve to live and Mother won’t have any allies left!’ All the while his primary lackey is just questioning what version of the Parent Trap he saw because that’s not the plot at all-- /j. Anyway there’s three idiots -- two princes and a physician -- out here trying to play matchmaker despite the fact none of them have any romantic experience. This can only end well.)

I feel like the real test is going to be whether distance makes the heart grow fonder. Hel’s got other responsibilities out there, and once assured Lin is in a more stable place, that others will be there for her in a way that helps, she has to take care of them. She has to be with her own people, has to make sure they are safe, keep an eye on the world beyond. She’s gone like a thief in the night, and Lin has to learn how to navigate the world without her, furthering the balancing act between them returning to normal. Hel rode off on her big black horse and no one cna say for sure when she’ll be back. She comes and goes through the kingdom like a storm, staying just long enough to cause problems but gone with the slightest shift in atmosphere. The horse comes back only weeks later. Its rider does not. Instead, perched upon that black stallion is a familiar crossbreed, tattered but hanging in there.

Hel saved her, at the cost of her own freedom. What can Lin possibly think about that?

So it’s a flurry of Lin campaigning for her sister to send a party to save Hel, Nev saying that she can’t do it yet, possibly as she is is too busy with the fracturing of her own kingdom to lend the men. All the same, she forbids Lin from going off and doing something drastic. Tells her younger sister to stay with her daughter and help Yorshka heal. She needs it. Which works bc we have that big dramatic Hel returning to the castle drenched in blood and falling cinematically into Lin’s arms. It’s the drama these wlw deserve. 

And as we know, Lin insists on being Hel’s own caretaker while she recovers. To the point she scrutinizes every move Lothric’s physician makes in checking that the newly returned Death isn’t badly injured. Lothric thinks he stays winning because now Lin’s doing the same ‘demonstrate love but don’t speak it’ bullshit that Hel is so adept at. He’s buying his physician drinks after this despite her protests that alcohol does not sit well with her--

Hel eventually recovers enough from the strenuous battle and escape to start moving around the castle more. She confesses that, despite gossip saying this was some act of passion to show her devotion, she didn’t do this for Lin. She did it because it was the right thing to do, because Yorshka was in danger, and it had nothing to do with her mother. Something that breaks Lin’s shell completely because it proves Hel is still the woman she fell in love with. She didn’t risk her life and return the one Lin loves the most as a hollow token meant to win her heart again, she did it because her conscience has never steered her wrong. 

Now try this one on for size: One day it dawns on Hel that something is missing. She tears up her room seeking it only for Lin to finally be That Bitch and hold out her exes wedding pendant -- one she found that Hel never stopped wearing, if the fact it was still around her throat when Lin stripped her of her bloody dress is any indication. Hel’s been found out. Lin’s about to start asking some serious questions.

And if one of them can finally confess at this point that whether the love stopped or never did they feel it now just as they did before, that’s not the end. That’s not reconciliation. Because the fact remains that they broke up over an act that Hel considered pure evil, when Lin helped decide the ultimate fate of Lothric. Reconciliation is going to depend wholly on how AU we want to go, if Hel and the revived Artorias are able to convince Lin that this is heinous and even if it is what her father would have wanted, it isn’t right, it makes her just as terrible as he was. If Lin can finally see to reason or at least sentiment over legacy and duty, then I can see the pair moving towards actual reconciliation and spending at least the last days of a dying world together and at peace with their ultimate fates. If not... Oof. There might be other ways to make it work once Lothric goes rogue and says he won’t be kindling, if Lin can admit that yes, that means all the cruelty was for nothing and she was wrong (like her sister does), then maybe some slowburn reconciliation could take place.

But ultimately it’s going to depend on both character development on Lin’s part, whether by choice or in spite of resistance, and Hel proving that all the things Lin has accused her of (changing, being untrue, being corrupted by heresies) are untrue. Changing and steadfast characterization in tandem. Barely even friends (after the divorce) then somebody bends unexpectedly--

ive bought harrow the ninth and am now attempting to reread act 1 so that i may understand it better

ianthe clearly proposes that Harrow not get herself killed trying to bring Gideon back - reading it over again. instead to take the future and somehow?? be really powerful together and forget about their cavaliers. but harrow says no

im once again struck with how offhand this book introduces the concept that the empire goes out to deliberately kill planets over a couple of generations

now im not sure....there also seems to be an implication that there’s no aliens - because they say only humanity has a soul - but client planets were said to rebel - i guess the human colonisers rebel against central solar system command sometimes? but then what enemy does the Cohort fight? possibly it’s just bigotry that they think aliens dont have a soul

but like - they find LIVING PLANETS and then - kill them slowly. to the extent that they need to move the entire population. WHAT? why do they do that??? just so they can do some bone tricks???!

what the fuk

so how did the planets get murdered again? and which solar system planets could really have been said to have had enough life to have a soul?? cos like, only one of them is really known for that

why did God give Harrow the choice to go back home TWICE if he was never going to let her?

once again, why mess with the Hand candidates if God was always gonna come for Cytherea? just to mess with him more?

yeah - harrow keeps hearing and saying ortus ninegad but the rest of the world remembers gideon.

Harrow truly is totally mentally shattered AND time is totally fucked up

but sometimes in the fake-ish timeline Harrow remembers but doesn’t remember Gideon - like how she notes that there were two womb-bearing members of the Ninth who were the right age...but only elaborates on herself

for some reason - Harrowhark remembers Ianthe’s arm ripped from her by Cytherea - but now it’s whole. for some reason

that letter is still so what the fuck

‘like you did the last time’ - hm harrowhark sewed Ianthe’s lips shut? how did she come by the power?

is ianthe - calling Harrowhark God?

throughout the first act, they keep referring to time, having too much time, or not mastering time, or not having enough time, ‘this time’ etc.

the eggs you gave me all died - that’s DIRECTED at Harrow, is my theory

ok but the planet revenants come after Lyctors and also God (- God became God when? at the Resurrection) before the Lyctors happened - God was still at Canaan House - despite the Revenants already coming right...

is Teacher criticising god and lyctors for leaving Canaan House lol?

ok so yeah Canaan House WAS part of a ‘last sacrifice’

ok so - Harrowhark is a little resurrection miracle. This implies that God killed a lot to resurrect the Houses.

wow God is being a very dad to Harrow

Blood of Eden - BOE - they turned their back on the solar system. now they hate necromancy. in other words - when the solar system died, God resurrected it - but before that point some humans had fled - lived. and they can see what absolute fuckin horror necromancy is ACTUALLY

so what im getting is...maybe...god resurrected humanity by killing the planets...?

i just realised that Ianthe has taken Gideon’s place as the smartass in the room - the counterweight to Harrow’s portentousness

what the fuck do augustine’s comments to Mercy mean???? why is she unloveable? why would he say that God doesn’t need her? and why is it obscene that Augstine calls God John? What is the dangerous game she’s playing? What was the foul implication??

‘Then that is your downfall’ OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Harrow BURN!!!

what i don’t get is - the Cohort is an army - when they land they die because they’re being killed by an enemy at the front - NOT in pure sacrifice for thanergy. so why does only the death of humans and planets produce thanergy. why is the death of the enemy not good enough? they don’t have fuckin souls?? they MUST be complex life. and doesn’t a planet produce a constant stream of thanergy? but i guess it’s not dying enough - generally its life maintains itself in ecosystems.....unless a fuckin lyctor ‘makes the juice flow’ i guess!

sometime in the next book there IS gonna be a ‘are we the baddies’ meme. muir loves memes and she stuck skulls on absolutely EVERYTHIGN. Like WHY THE FUCK would you colonise planets if you gotta kill them for it? LOL????

huh? augustine just said that they can’t use necromancy when in the river - but mercy mocked harrow for having hypothermia ? implying her fundamental failure was not being able to necro while in the river? Harrow’s inability was what was wrong partly right?? oh no ok it’s how Harrow tried to compensate for her body going lights out while in the river. alright. that was written confusingly

how and why is this a completely different story???

The Sleeper.......is Harrowhark? the suit is too close to what she was wearing killing the asteroid. and the sleeper is lying on ‘something’. oh they just straight up say it lololol

ortus got into trouble 19 years ago...hhmmmmm wasn’t Gideon 19??? huh? which is why Mercy started at Harrow’s peculiar YELLOW eyes that Harrow can’t see herself i think

‘i do things face to face’ ortus says after stabbing harrow. HUH? why go for a stab if decapitating would have done the job? just to give her a small chance to fight back? (face to face?)

why not tell God that ‘his’ attack dog is trying to kill you?

why does Ortus the First want me dead? ‘who?’ ---uh. has she forgotten him completely (time shit) or is she saying the wrong name? mercy wouldnt reply like that then right?

she told him and he’s like - oh well guess you gotta just get through repeated almost-successful attacks on your life. ???? THANKS GOD!!!

‘you, with your unfortunate memory for poetry’ HA! i love how we are reminded that she knew all the fuckin damn books nearly by heart which is insane!

Teacher suggests his dying at least three times a day?? hahaha what?.........................is this purely a meme reference. is that meme the mental image im supposed to have of Teacher??????????? is this trying to say that this meme was preserved in the amalgamation of human life that is Teacher?? oh my god....

no.....palamedus and camilla....did old Harrow really kill them.....

seems like all the murders were consensual maybe?

it’s probably too straightforward that Harrow created and alternate timeline and made for a Harrow Lyctor without Gideon dying and kicked her to the original? maybe she took Ianthe and Coronabeth with her bc she needed Ianthe’s help

is this Cytherea or Dulcinea? Pro seems real this time. why does Dulcie call Pal and Cam strands and cords?

did muir put in a fuckin secondary school S - muir’s just like - im gonna put in all the memes as a nod to ancient human culture

still no idea what the messages are that Harrow is getting

This Harrow is so goddamn sick. I mean she was sick before, but at least she had Gideon. Really do feel that that helped her. now she didn’t have that -- AND she’s getting slapped with trauma another five times

if ortus can undo the thanergy of her own bone then why not simply crumble HARROW into dust? cos there’s a core of thanergy fusion in her that he can’t undo?

FLKJDFKLJSDLFSD fucking IANTHE ‘Wow! Not how I imagined this happening, at all.’  FUCKIN HELL

Harrow with her fucking fucked up dramatic inner monologues about weakness and Ianthe comes in with this shit. she really is doing Gideon proud here.

Did love Harrow’s musings about how only a truly idiotically obedient Cavalier would be the only one to keep to a vow of silence. HAH! nice one muir

‘have you taken the time to rest lately?’ asks God, YOUR FUCKING SAINT IS TRYING TO KILL HER IN THE FUCKING BATH YOU IDIOT AHAHAHAHA

JEZUS FUCKING CHRIST - try and be normal Harrow! try and make some soup and read a book! Harrow: *does and then hyperventilates hidden under her bed after 86 hours of zero sleep*

she was trying to remember what cutlery did. why is this so goddamn funny hahahaa. this book has ONLY been Harrow being in extreme states of misery ALL THE TIME both mentally and physically to the point of death

GOD IS HAPPY THAT SHE MADE SOUP AND DOESNT EVEN FUCKIN NOTICE SHE’S NOT SLEPT FOR A WEEK SOMEHOW THIS IS THE MOST HILARIOUS SHIT

thats what you fucking GET you piece of shit god! you push a prodigy teen to the brink and she fuckin explodes your lyctor and feeds you her fuckin marrow. maybe you shouldn’t have ignored her goddamn fucking understandable distress

SHE FUCKIN HITS HIM WITH THE FUCKIN TRUTH what an IDIOT of a God. he truly doesn’t understand mortality anymore huh

I LOVE HOW MERCYMORN CONTINUES TO MAKE HARROW YOUNGER IN HER HEAD AHAHAHAHAHAHA she’s only nine years old!!!hahahaha

naturally God focuses on how - wait- actually harrow is truly an INSANE necromancer - INSANE

still no idea what the fuck is going on in the not-past

aww. ianthe’s scent soothes harrow now. begrudgingly of course.

i thought this was gonna be lovely angsty harrow/gideon but naturally that did not happen

harrow is comfortable! first time in the whole book! one moment of comfort!!!

‘love my twin, also murder’ tridentarius pffjlfjdljf

‘how i crave your honeyed words’ hah

wow this scene sure is weirdly sexual with these similes lol ‘as though she had shyly undressed for you’ ok there Harrow you about to chop her arm off calm it probably sex repulsed thirsty teen

i do love how....there is this theme again that’s everybody underestimating the main character - who is actually a prodigy. Gideon had that with the sword and Harrow also has it with being a Lyctor now

it’s so telling that these Saints would rather be shits to these babies than help Ianthe grow a new fuckin arm

i dont see why Ianthe can’t work off this bone construct which is her own stuff and put some flesh on it since SHES A FLESH NECRO?

Ianthe that’s super gay

wow muir really never delivers on full gay does she??? i dont mind but i think it’s so striking hahaa

how are Harrow and Ianthe still hung up on the Saint of Duty? i mean, if they dont have him against the RB they’re dead anyway

why is the First going through rain and ice?

Harrow haunted? naawwww

i cant help but like mercymorn though - she cares. it’s soured ages ago but she cares.

awww Harrow needs Ianthe to sleep

Ianthe constantly poking Harrow for her prudishness is so goddamn funny.

‘It’s the type of energy i wish to take into my future’ AHAHAHAHAHAAH IANTHE MY GOD

‘i always forget you were an honest to go nun ... and six years old to boot if you listen to mercymorn’ HAHAHAHAHAHA

‘you look good enough that im proud of my handiwork but not so good that i’ll be consumed with lust and ravish you over the nut bowl’ fpdfjsdfkjsd this is what harrow means with crude japery and yet....

mercymorn has started to call harrow three years old. i will NEVER tire of this gag

all of the blood of eden stuff happened in the past 25 years??? god was on the erebos, but he also remembers ortus kicking the commander out of an airlock? that was in the last 25 years??

Ianthe‘s carressing the nape of Harrow’s neck. hmmhm

its honestly super weird if you think about it for more than 10 seconds that theyre talking about their cavaliers whom they murdered (im still not sure if all consensually) ten thousand years ago (!) and how hot they were that just seems.....fucked up

Harrow is like WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! basically all the time but especially now. yep well that was to be expected i guess lololol

Harrow being painfully frozenly fascinated by (god having) sex and deeply repulsed is very Harrow

oh nooooo well that was a perfect kiss between them really

the funny thing about Harrow is that though she is so completely fucked up - just like Gideon - she is fundamentally a helper.

why wouldn’t Harrow have thought of blood wards! she knew he could only bleed thanergy! it;s the first thing i thought - just use not bone wards then!

ortus thinks anastasia is in Harrow - which makes me think - why does he think that’s possible?

mercymorn now calls Harrow a two-year-old. i am waiting for embryonic genius

so did they use the river to get to the planets theyre killing?

Harrow feels the peace and pleasure of a stroll through nature that she has come to kill

oh my god - Harrow somehow saved Cam and Pal is still attached to the mortal plane!!

Harrow helps Cam risking herself entirely just like that. yknow as she does

i wonder if Pal has realised that Harrow is not who he remembers

i think he realised once he realised haz mat suit was Harrow also...

ianthe xo’d harrow.....lol

im sad that original harrow is definitely dead.... :( loved her. guess gideon’s not coming back either. not sure how the second adept survived. she didn’t survive in the original timeline either. but she was ‘killed’ in the other - just like coronabeth..so that means soemthing

this whole ‘flashback’ stuff to Canaan House is Harrow being in the River the whole time. the cold temperatures, the blood, the creatures theyre fishing from the sea that apparently abominations

after all, we’ve just learned about river bubbles and a haz!harrow that can change their parameters.

all the people ‘dead’ she’d not spoken to much or at all beforehand. like they’re NOT real, in the River. the only one not like that is Dyas...

the fact that the narrative keeps calling Dulcie, Dulcie means she’s really Dulcie.

there’s giant organs falling from the ceiling. this is definitely the river

they talk about time AGAIN

the Body is the devil who let herself be used to complete the work of Teacher and the Lyctors in his mythology....hmm. and when they realised the price (AFTER? the work was done?) they wanted her dead but he buried her....SHE allowed them to become Lyctors?? I still don’t understand why the heck that was necessary

the king is dead, long live the king. hmmmm

Harrow comes onto a hallucination of the devil who was her first crush with the voice of her parental figures and the eyes of a love interest she can no longer remember - which is actually not precisely a hallucination probably - and gets summarily rejected lol OUCH (the Body didn’t mean it that way ofc)

Harrow is so repressed on every single front but definitely sexually

I love Mercy

so there is death beyond death. does everybody go into the river and become a mad horrid ghost? like - is that everybody’s fate? how awful

ok so God DID resurrect the planets also. ? but like. then why are there resurrection beasts?

what does resurrection mean? and who killed the planets in the first place?

BECOMING NONE HOUSE, LEFT GRIEF

oh.....my god.

ARE YOU AND IANTHE BEING SAFE!!?!?!?! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

HIS BODYGUARD IS THE DEVIL??

so the destruction of Earth somehow made God? as though it was something that simply followed from it

A.L. was destroyed in the first assault? Of an RB

so the RB’s were happily running off in the other direction until they decided to fuck around and kill their mates to become immortal and powerful - then the RB’s turned around and came towards them - which meant leaving the planets God had resurrected forever.

what the fuck god??? hahahahaa

God always seems so likeable goddamn.

Harrow is such a dramatic bitch. Affection??? JUST KILL ME!!! KILL ME!! LET ME SMASH THE GLASS SO I CAN KNEEL IN IT AND BLEED ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!!!

Harrow goes into her fun kid's game of not dying to traps.

But she instantly calls him father. OH MY GOD

HE DOESNT BELIEVE HER!!!

'then that will be your downfall' - is what Harrow said to Augustine AND IT WILL BECOME TRUE FOR THEM ALL

to be dismissed like that where it hurts most - to have God Dad dismiss her only slip of comfort her only pillar of truth in this crazy old world

'nobody had watched you leave'

SOMEBODY HAD - I love all the deliberate references to Gideon

Temporal lobe!!!! Again the temporal lobe!!!

So why was it again that Harrow refused to be locked in with the Emperor?

So isn't God gonna check out Harrow's temporal lobe? He's just gonna let that mystery go to its death?

WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKK

Muir what the fuck??!!!!!!!!

Oh it was.....a hallucination?

Always love how this dips into genuine horror sometimes

What's weird is that Lyctors seem made for the task of going into the river and killing Resurrection Beasts - instead of the other way around.

So say - that the sword somehow holds Gideon's soul (we've just learned that that's possible from Pal and also Ortus trying to get Pent to summon his grandma by his sword) - does it not make sense that Harrow 'for some reason' stabbing Cytherea's corpse with it transferred it to her? Or maybe it's SOMEHOW Anastasia if Ortus was macking on her. But Ortus thought HARROW had/was Anastasia.

IANTHE WANTS TO MARRY HARROW - HAHAHAHAAHAHAHA

Every fucking chapter doesn't make things any clearer. This is worse than Gideon the ninth

Hello???? Am I reading a canon alternate universe roleswap au??? What the FUCK is going on. This is like - if they hadn't gassed the 200 and her parents instead adopted Gideon for her clear necromantic gifts which nobody noticed somehow the other time round

I do love how Aiglamene was the sole source of slight comfort in Gideon's life. And Crux was Harrow's - apparently in any sequence of events.

Harrow is tumbling through timelines. But how can you do that just by messing with the lobe?

WHAT!! WHAT!!!

Is this...is this what I think it is??? Is thi

The fanfic roots are STRONG in this one. In fact I believe I've READ this fanfiction

Harrow's temporal fever dream (in the river?) HAD HER (Decidedly Not) VYING FOR 'HER DIVINE HIGHNESS' hand, which is either the Body or Gideon or both lololol. Seeing as the previous had Gideon as the main unnamed titled character - I bet it's Gideon ahahaaga

A fucking. COFFEESHOP AU. OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDD

We've had roleswap, 'ball' au, and coffee shop au populated by the ghosts of the dead LOLOL,

I knew it!! I knew that they were ghosts and that they were in the river!!

Ok so but when did Harrow shoddily create the bubble? When she adjusted her memories at the start? When is this. Ah Harrow has the same thought hahaa

So the stage is a - she was building her memories while sleeping?

Why is that she cannot access her lyctorhood like this...

I just realised that Harrow's mind made the party food taste like SALT based on Ianthe's cooking!!!! Hahahaha

THE NARRATOR IS GIDEON. But it doesn't sound like Gideon though

There's more to the work than simply preserving Gideon's soul though. There are next steps that Harrow prepared for that Harrow doesn't know about yet

Who was the sleeper and why was it in Harrows riverscape of memories that she ACCIDENTALLY??? made

Ok she sounds like Gideon NOW

Gideon no it's not because she didn't want you! It's because she wanted you to live!!!!!

And she succeeded....your soul is INTACT in her body!!!! You're protecting her with full consciousness!! How the fuck. And why didn't that happen before when she went to the bubble?

Are the ghosts of the contestants happy that they got pulled out of the River briefly? Or were they so briefly in there they couldn't remember?

She returned them to the RIVER???? is that really such a kind fate????

Something has gone wrong in the River - yeah because why r all these ghosts going insane and stoppering it up like slib

Do love how Muir has found a way to give these characters more screentime

I actually said 'oof' when Harrow screamed at Ortus - oof that really is embarrassing. GodDAMN Ortus you stepping up with the emotional support!

I've EVEN read the damn fanfic in which they switched bodies. My god.

A. L. apparently is thought to wander about still. I think she's the body....I do believe she's the body. That's why the Lyctors are scared of her

She thought - what. Mercy is talking about blood of Eden's commander. What is going onnnnn still!!!! Mercy is the traitor I guess. But how is blood of Eden connected to the ninth house and the body?

Why is Mercy awake on the mithraeum and not in the River anyways?

Gideon.... And the commander were in cahoots? So did A. L. and Anastasia an the body and the commander all have the same eyes?????

What the fuck is going on indeed.

Cytherea seems to have had a plan B for getting revenge on the Emperor. Or something had a plan B with her corpse as the main weapon.

If guns are so effective against people why aren't they still used.

The messages are from the commander. I.e. Gideon's mother. I.e. Anastasia? We never explicitly did learn how she met her end no? Gideon was convinced that Anastasia had taken the baby. It just seems incongruous how the Emperor spent like 80 years on the Erebos and the Lyctors were faffing about - meanwhile there was this drama going on in the last half century?

I love Abigail Pent. Love that I got to see more of her.

I'd honestly forgot that Judith was alive by the end of all of that shit

The sleeper is -the sleeper is Gideon's mother. Also. She's haunted by her mother. SOMEHOW. what the fuck? They couldn't drag her spirit back from the river they said!

'you wizards never learn' there's a whole modern regular sci fi world and culture out there! Or maybe it's just a. L.

Is it? Or is it Anastasia? Or is it the commander? Or are they the same thing?

The sleeper wants Harrow's body. Somehow invaded it - probably from the river? - which means its Anastasia or the commander. Which means that whatevers possessing Cytherea is someone else.

In retrospect - Harrow's coldness to Ianthe talking about - to what her - seemed nonsense at the time - in the very first part - doesn't quite fit.

Oh my fucking GOD Gideon is fighting Ianthe for messing around with her fucking girlfriend - who is HARROW, who actually, Ianthe wants to marry.

They just went from ramping up to a serious fight to Gideon dropping Corona's name and suddenly they're like - ah we got more important priorities actually.

Augustine's first thought at thinking a.l./the body (?) is in Harrow is John - and the Second is Joy!(mercy?)

'How I was gonna have to take showers with all your clothes on.' fuckin Gideon hahahaha

Wonder if Ianthe truly believes what she's saying - that Harrow was trying to rid hersel of Gideon. It's preposterous. It's just hurtful talk.

GIDEON REALLY THOUGHT THAT LOOK TO MEAN THAT HARROW DIDNT LOVE HER??? THIS IS A CONSTANT BARRAGE OF ALL THE ANGSTY DRAMATIC SHIT IVE BEEN YEARNING FOR

Oh my fucking god Gideon calling Ianthe out for being in love with Harrow in the most iconic way ufsojdjdodnd 'she wants the D - the D stands for dead'

Crazy brain-mutilated Harrow sure made it seem that way I can tell ya that!!

Hahahahahaha Ianthe remembering Harrows prudish Ortus/Cytherea shit. Amazing

Aw Gideon really went and fell right into the cavalier/bone mistress shit huh. And trying to shield Harrow - well as noted before - very necessary because harrow has been having a godawful miserable time - mostly because of herself.

Gideon appreciating Ianthe's pun xD

Love how neither of them position themselves as the love of Harrows life but instead as inexorably attached to her by the sheer role they play in her life - they don't dare aspire to what they think they can't get.

Muir realises this is gonna end up as a Gideon/Harrow(/theBody)/Ianthe ship right?

Oh WOW THIS IS AMAZING. nonius the legendary nonius!!! Come to protect Harrow!!!

For some reason the Sleeper can manipulate the rules of this River bubble and doesn't seem surprised about it

If all her cavaliers were this excited for death, she was definitely the problem.lololol. somehow Harrow, you inspired undying loyalty in even a person that you treated abominably

Yeah Harrow you slowpoke. If the Sleeper can adjust the rules - so can you

If the sleeper was not Harrow's invention - but planted itself - then they're very lucky it got to the ghosts that weren't actually there - first.

So it was the commander....a portrait in a shuttle of blood of eden - can only be the commander. And redhaired? There are too many red haired people in this book!!

It's nice how all these ghosts got to have lasting impact from beyond the grave

NONIUS KNEW ORTUS/GIDEON?

Ok so ....there's the bed of the River with stoma. But there might also be the other side.

Did Harrow really not account for steps beyond her plan to mutilate her brain?

Is this book really gonna go: fuck you Gideon will die anyway ?????

But.wait. the sleeper had a two-hander. Where did that go???

I don't get it. If they go into the river - won't they also go insane?

SO NYAH!!!!!???

Ok but - what? The Commander ALSO -somehow - took over Cytherea's body?

'did the ten billion give you that too' I KNEW CANAAN HOUSE HELD EVEN GRUESOMER EXPERIMENTS AND SACRIFICES THAN LYCTORHOOD. God is made of ten billion souls. I think they killed humanity on earth to spare it 'slow inexorable apocalypse' and used the power to make the Empire from the resurrected. There was an extremely vague implication by Teacher to the amount of souls violated in Canaan house in the first book.

So God knows the commander went for the ninth house? Firstly, how. I don't understand how Anastasia fits in here!!! It would explain though how the commander

So the commander found the ninth house - and she died right? They tried to call her spirit but couldn't. But she became a revenant?

Ah. God THREW the bomb.

A fuckin wake me up inside joke jskdjskdnd

So Mercy and Augustine ( not Gideon ?) had all turned against God? And they were working with the commander to -... Make a baby????? And then evacuate the houses???? (For when God dies - there being a risk that Dominicus would go out I guess)

Make a baby/body to lever the one who lies in the tomb into....?

Love how the book foreshadowed Mercy and Augustine manipulating and lying to God - and turns out they did that on much bigger scale

They....meant to kill the baby to break the blood ward?

'The woman who I was pretty sure was my mother, wearing the body of the woman I'd had a crush on, who in turn had been wearing the identity of a woman she'd murdered -' KSNFKDJDKFJJFC

So why did they want this consistently characterised as kindly and humane god dead?

GIDEON THOUGHT IT WAS HIS!!!! But he called Wake Anastasia then????

They really are the same???

Oh my god I know what they're gonna say. Gideon is the daughter of God. WHICH HARROWS FUCKIN ROYALTY AU FEVER RIVER DREAM FUCKING FORESHADOWED HAAHAHAHAHHAA

Isn't it fucking ironic that God told Harrow that - HE WANTED HER TO BE HIS??? WHILE GIDEON HIS ACTUAL DAUGHTER WAS SPINNING INSIDE HER CHEST LIKE A LITTLE NUCLEAR FUSION REACTOR

They've been trying to kill him for more than 500 years???? Did mercymorn actually genuinely learn the extremely fine knowledge of the body for THIS purpose? How many thousands of years ago did they decide to kill god?

A fucking DAD JOKE

GIDEON REMEMBERING HOW SHE USED TO TELL HARROW HOW HER OTHER PARENT MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE WORLD SO STOP PICKING ON HER

I am fucking DELIGHTED I AM SO GODDAMN OVERJOYED

It segues into a reminder of how shit their childhoods were and how their suffering had them lash out at each other endlessly and how it made Harrow suicidal and shit though - which is great

ALECTO'S EYES. THE A. FOR A. L.

A. L. The cavalier of God....but she walked. She had a body.

Ohhhhh. That's why they betrayed him. That age-old hurt. Ten thousand years old but still the bane of their existence, the seed of their madnesses. The loss of their cavaliers. Oh how did they manage to keep that from him?

I honestly thought - is Mercy saying she knows he killed humanity? But that's not what she couldn't have forgiven?

But why did he hide it? Why did he hide the perfect way? ('it would be easier' why???)

Ah. Yes. The expansion, why would the Emperor do that?

Uhhhhh. Couldn't Mercy have done that all along??????????????????????? Couldn't Mercy have killed God all along? That was both a trick and utterly sincere.

Augustine and Mercy were trying to do the right thing..... Mercy.... :'( Augustine was right. God is much less sentimental than he seems.

'im not even mad that you failed to either fix or put down Harrow' hm guess the constant kill quest HAD come from God after all. What a goddamn bitch of a man

What was the original plan? Unleash a. L. ? And then what? How would that help with the whole Dominicus going out problem?

Had God ever really thought to make up for all the bullshit he put his Lyctors through. He seems so affable and human but he's caused so much suffering. He's as good at manipulation at them - better!

The resurrection beast can't kill him, but he let his Lyctors die to them one by one anyway. So why??

Why are they punching each other in the River? They can use theorems right? God could blast Augustine to pieces same he did mercy?

Yes! It's true! Pyrrha and Gideon both exist in the same body - foreshadowed by his cavaliers build. There was something so fishy about it.

I love how Gideon has exactly the same response as me: what the fuck. Pyrrha??? Gideon??? What the fuck??? Why did they BOTH have an affair with their enemy??? So ok. Pyrrha stayed underground from Everybody for the thousand years. SOMEHOW their compartmentalisation let her pop up in his body regularly and not just when Gideon remembered her - because the hadn't fucked up his brain. But then how did THEY do that.

This absolutely galactic balsiness

The stoma thinks John is a resurrection beast. Might it be.....because he's..... A revenant. A 10 billion souled kinda- revenant ? A bit like.....Harrow is? Which is why he felt kin to her? Which is why he compared her creation to Resurrection?????I've really gotta reread those messages from commander wake.

A fucking jail for mother meme. Jail for one thousand years. Gideon how do you know this one????

I KNEW Ianthe would do that. Knew it. She doesn't want the system to die. Coronabeth is still out there. Well guess what - she's on the opposite side babe. Ok I realised that Gideon's mum apparently stuck to Gideon and then the sword? But also did Harrow manage to break the blood ward because of of her proximity to Gideon? Did Harrow uhhhh get put into a pocket in the river? But the emperor wasn't murdered!!! Fuckin chapters kept lying. They're on a hold planet. Finally - we meet the people. Alecto and Camilla and Corona? And Judith.? Did Alecto somehow do a time twisty around to come save Gideon at that moment in the river? Once again nothing much more is clear.

this has been sitting in my drafts for at least like a month because i basically just wanted to get my bonkers far-fetched theory out in writing somewhere and i never really intended to publish it BUT 

henry’s dad fact this week just made me kinda think at least some of it might have legs sooooo

my long-ass, incredibly unlikely Oak Theory under the cut

tl;dr

okay, so. 1939. one hildy russett makes the great decision to give her full-ass, real-ass name to the heart’s greatest desire casting director, aka full fledged (and likely high-ranking) member of the cult of the doodler

then proceeds to be used as a blood sacrifice in doodler summoning ritual 

ritual is kind of??? successful, but then stud convinces it to peace the fuck back to wherever it came from, the mystery box vanishes, the end

or is it????????

like, a cult that almost successfully summoned a chaos entity isn’t just gonna give up after one failure. fuck no. they’re gonna try again. which is where the facts get dicey, and my theory kicks in.

so the remnants of the doodler cult are disheartened by their near miss in tennessee, but they regroup and try to figure things out

the casting director recalls the name of the blood sacrifice, and the cult does some digging on her, until they find a scandalous secret in her recent past

a child, born out of wedlock, either given to an orphanage or being brought up by distant relatives or whatever. a child who is now connected somehow to the doodler by way of blood sacrifice magic or... something idk. told you this was dicey. 

anyway the doodler cult needs that baby for a future ritual. so the doodler cult gets that baby, either by adoption or more, shall we say, nefarious methods

they give the baby an alias, a new name. a powerful name. a name referenced several times in the script JJ abrams wrote when he was chanelling the doodler.  

oaks growin’ tall. oak ridge, tennessee. barry fuckin oak. 

doodler cult raises the baby in secret as one of their own, hoping to use his blood (aka hildy’s blood, aka possibly the blood of the unsung hero???) to take another shot at a summoning ritual

except as it turns out, barry can’t fuckin do shit, because he sucks of magic reasons idk

sooooo, what are we gonna do? give up? fuck no! we’re gonna get another fuckin descendant who can do it!

barry strikes out on his own, using the nascent hippie free-love movement in the 1960s to start up a commune that basically functions as its own branch of the doodler cult and tries to churn out a descendant with that eldritch x-factor

this is where our favourite nastyboy comes in 

henry grows up in the cult commune, raised from birth to succeed where his father failed

when he’s old enough, barry tells henry the truth of their mission, his birthright, and the important role he has to play in creating this new world. 

henry, being the sweet dude he is, is absolutely appalled by this. of course he’s not gonna bring about the end of the world, that’s so messed up!

they have a huge fight, and henry loses control. not in the way we’ve seen, but in a biiiiiig fuckin way. he gives into the chaos of his anger, and just blows. the fuck. up.

maybe he injures ppl with that eldritch energy he didn’t even know he had. maybe he injures barry, maybe even actually kills him. who knows? 

certainly not henry, because the trauma of it all is too much and between that and the Forbidden Eldritch Knowledge coursing through him his mind just shuts the fuck down 

he blacks out completely and wakes up naked in a forest weeks later, and we know the rest from there. mercedes finds him, they get married, have two beautiful boys who somehow inherently know the name and face of an eldritch abomination, and the rest is history

henry lives for the next 15 years as a normal, nerdy geologist dad. his mind literally can’t process the horror of his upbringing or the guilt of what went down after the argument with his father, so he packs that shit up tight behind a triple-locked door in his mind, rationalizes the extended blackout that lead him to his now-wife as nothing more than a bad trip, and moves on with his life. 

he raises his kids as best he can, without the stringent boundaries his overbearing father placed on him (or any at all) and, above all, refuses to ever express anger for fear of giving into the chaos and losing himself like he did before. 

which, i mean, kind of works??? except he basically ruins his kids in his attempt to protect them and sends himself down a toxic cycle of suppressing his feelings that just makes everything worse in the long run so i mean. not the best of strategies. 

anyways, that’s the background theory. in terms of what comes next, here’s what we know now:

barry seems stoked that henry’s brain door is starting to open and he’s “remembering who he is”

he also offered henry the chance to abscond with the twins, probably trying to use their powers for his own gain (bc as we know, the twins have magic too as confirmed by boreanaz and, in this ep, chekhov’s snake)

erin said that at least one of the anchor trails seemed to lead to a commune

barry’s in a place called oakdale or oakvale or something along those lines (similar to oak ridge, perhaps???) so by the sound of it, it’s possible he’s back to his old commune/cult-establishing tricks

also, interestingly, the only time willy has shown actual fear is when henry started to open the brain door and access more of his powers, which indicates he might have some idea of what’s going on there and it freaks him the fuck out 

also also, barry’s super fucking scared of willy

basically, i think barry wants to use henry and the twins in another summoning ritual with the help of his new commune/cult buddies, in order to a) succeed where he believes his mother failed in summoning the doodler and ushering in a new world, and b) use that eldritch power to get the upper hand in some sort of coup against willy.

i also think there’s some sort of link between henry’s powers and his anger (something to do with loss of control = chaos or smth like that? although that seems a bit toxic so maybe he just subconsciously believes there’s a link), and that he’s going to have to learn how to express both in a healthy way rather than, y’know. bottling it all up until he’s basically and incredible volatile molotov cocktail of dangerous eldritch energy they way he’s been doing it so far. 

...yeah that kind of petered out at the end there, but honestly it’s because i’ve put so much thought into possible backstory i have no fuckin idea what’s gonna come next. 

but honestly whatever it is, even when i inevitably end up being 1000% wrong about all of this, i’m stoked to find out

「herman tommeraas & cis male」⇾ mercer, ducky, the junior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 21 years old. he is studying business, living in gorham and can be tenderhearted, nimble, compliant & taciturn. when i see him i am reminded of fear hidden behind a stoic stare, bleeding from your nose and from your gums, and the night sky with all its stars, with all its mystery and unknown . ⇽「james & 21 & est & they/them.」

hi :D this is the last of my OG characters ... the next two will b sexy n new bt they wont arrive fr a while bc i <3 need 2 hv a steady pace <3 anyways hes. rly sad so. good luck charlie <3 okay bye :D

TW CHILD ABUSE / DOMESTIC ABUSE / ABUSE, VIOLENCE, INJURY, TRAUMA, MENTAL ILLNESS, DRUGS / DRUG ABUSE / ADDICTION , GANGS.

aesthetic.

bruises; from beneath your eyes to the edge of your jaw, aligned against your stomach and the sides of your waist and the groves of your knuckles. bleeding noses and bleeding gums, spat out teeth, tattoos scarred from improper treatment, a facial scar; jagged and old, now, from above your eye to beneath your lip. worn hoodies and scuffed sneakers, sunglasses inside. the night sky, and it’s many stars, and how brightly they shone during the 2019 blackout, and wanting to be up there, with them. knowing constellations by heart. wishing to be the face on the moon. beer bottles and secret exchanges. dark alleys. fear, through the very core of your heart. fear, hidden behind a stoic stare.

basic info.

full name: donovan mercer

nickname(s): ducky but i’m 95% sure he hates the nickname it’s just. Stuck with him.

b.o.d. - march 15th, pisces :)

label(s): the allegiant, the despondent, the grifter, the malleable, the vacant, etc.

height: 5′11″

hometown: hell’s kitchen, new york

sexuality: bisexual bt make it closeted.

pinterest

stats

inspired by: lip gallagher (shameless), freddie mcclair (skins), frankenstein’s monster (frankenstein), fez (euphoria) … that’s it i don’t know any other characters KJNSGLDNVLSDJNFDS

biography.

born in hell’s kitchen to vinny mercer and a mother who ran out of the hospital as fast as she could, as soon as she was able. she’d gone so quick that she’d never given ducky a middle name - just donovan. the younger brother of mercy (shoutout 2 bri)

his father’s the right-hand man of a well known mob boss named lars amaretto, and so, you can imagine the kind of environment ducky (& mercy) grew up in. weapon & drug dealings, interrogations, violence around every corner. a brutal way of living, no place to raise two children.

you can correctly assume that they grew up in a heavily abusive environment, and can imagine the sort of things the two have gone through. ducky was, maybe, the least favorite of their father’s -

- for numerous reasons, and one being that ducky’d always been a sensitive kid. kinder than his brother, and far kinder than his father - kindness is weakness, and ducky was filled with it. too much so, with big brown eyes and a smile that should’ve been able to melt ice. should’ve - but didn’t. and never did, either.

he cried often, and was punished often for it until he learned to stop crying - at least in front of their father, and mercy too, at some point. only in the comfort of his room, with doors locked and blinds drawn closed.

he dreamed, too, dreamt often. he’d been obsessed with outer space since childhood, as long as he could remember. school had once shown man landing on the moon, and ducky wanted that. wanted to be that, wanted to be there, up with the stars, discovering the unthinkable.

but it was discouraged, heavily so - projects destroyed by an angry fist only to be reconstructed to the best of ducky’s ability, with mercy’s help, all throughout the night. he’d saved up for a telescope when he was thirteen, but it’d been destroyed almost immediately when discovered. not a day went by that their father didn’t tell ducky that he was, first and foremost, stupid - and would always be.

to the point where he stopped trying, simply. his grades fluctuated frequently, and it’s a surprise that he hadn’t dropped out of high school altogether.

anyways … at the age of fifteen, he’d have enough. he was sick of the abuse, the pain - the crying behind closed doors, the sneaking around, the constant feeling of needing to escape, impending doom, anxiety attacks in the shower and in school bathrooms and at the back of the bus where nobody sat besides him because he was - that boy, the son of that man, the brother of that brute. he’d been a teenager and he’d already been an outcast by all means - an outcast in his family, no matter how hard he tried to appease vinny, and an outsider everywhere else.

the plan took months of preparation, paper ripped out from the back of his school notebook and stuffed beneath his mattress, details of his escape from a checklist of essential items to makeshift maps of bus routes to different cities.

all for nothing, the moment vinny discovered it, the edge of a map sticking out after a rushed morning.

it’d been the same day he’d gotten the nickname - ducky - the way the wound wrapped below his mouth, and the way it’d begun to heal - puckered, at first, like a duck’s bill. a better name than eyepatch, at the very least. the scar’d run from the arch of his left brow, across his eye, down his cheek, and below his lip, the entire left side of his face a bloody mess afterwards. his eye sustained injury, and not allowed to see a doctor about it, it never healed properly. corneal scarring, impairing his left eye. astronaut dreams destroyed, but not in a matter of seconds. in the matter of an hour, maybe more - and that’d been much, much worse.

he stopped trying to run away after that. tried to be more like their father, more like mercy - more brutish, less feeling. spoke less, and less. spoke hardly at all, unless spoken to first.

still didn’t matter. still lived his days in fear, still knew it’d never change. nothing would ever change.

graduated high school and had been on-and-off attending community college since then. he’d miss days at a time, flunk an entire semester’s worth of classes - gpa dropped further and further. wanted to try, but life got in the way. always got in the way.

hadn’t intended on transferring to radcliffe, but their father’d been missing for a few months then, leaving ducky to handle the drugs side of their business in hell’s kitchen - and mercy’d disappeared, too, leaving their branch in lovell completely open. in a split decision - an opportunity, and opening - something he couldn’t miss, or he’d maybe never get the opportunity again, ducky bullshitted a scholarship essay (plagiarism, tsk) and transferred to pick up where mercy’d left.

this wasn’t very well thought out, because that meant there were no mercers in new york - and lars amaretto? not a very understanding man. more of a brute than their father was, by far. to keep a story short - ducky is missing a tooth (molar, luckily, this time) and is … more rough’d up than he’d like to be, for sure. but mercy’s back, now, and he’s still at lovell, at radcliffe.

and that’s enough.

UPDATE: heehaw. mercy is gone & ducky’s still here. feeling a bit lost - dealt with a lot of shit this summer, new wounds and old wounds and just. a lot. started an underground fight club on campus for some extra cash, reasons unknown. being blackmailed by someone named rocky - someone who knows ducky is skimming cash. god. i don’t know ... danger danger danger danger. nightmare-ville. wrapped up in more walls than ever.

personality.

he’s actually very? intimidating? when you first meet him. mercy’s younger brother, with a criminal’s record almost as long as his - a scarred face and a mean resting face. it takes at least five minutes of conversation beyond small talk before it starts to weigh on your mind that maybe, he’s not as bad as he seems.

and - well, he isn’t. but he’s guarded - so guarded. more-so than mercy, because mercy’s quicker to anger, quicker to react, and ducky tries so hard to drown out the noise. but he’s not a robot, and his facial expressions can give him away in a second.

he’s seen what happened when mercy had a glimpse of something good in his life (though, it wasn’t actually good at all - mercy had someone, at least. at the very least) - and how quickly it’d all fallen, and so ducky puts a barrier between him and others. distant, as much as he can be.

it hurts, because ducky isn’t by any means antisocial. he doesn’t hate people - he wants to be normal, wants to have friends and a girlfriend - or maybe even a boyfriend, god - but he’s so afraid. ducky is, by nature, a very scared person. terrified to his very core. he knows there is always eyes on him, and mercy too, and he knows that nothing is worth getting someone else hurt.

you know him as mercy’s little brother, and he’s quiet you know that - but his name is ducky, and you think - he’s not too bad. and he knows this, knows the doubts. knows that it’ll get back to mercy, eventually, that his brother is nothing more but a pussy. so he fights more than he’d like to, against the guilt that buries itself deep within his chest with every thrown fist. he throws up, afterwards, in the garbage can outside. too much to drink, he says, rare grin - because grins are convincing, and grins with bleeding gums are intimidating. he learned that from his brother.

violence makes him sick to his very stomach. he can’t watch horror films, or even action films, without feeling queasy. there’s been more times than he can count where he’d thrown up after a fight, or after an interrogation, usually in private but in the occasional presence of mercy.

they fight, a lot, sometimes - ducky’s too soft, too weak, and it’s bad and it’s terrible and ducky knows that mercy’s afraid. for him, of their father, and his wraith. ducky knows that if mercy isn’t hard on him now, their father will be harder - and his hits will be, too. still. there’s resentment, small but there, like the flame of a match. he doesn’t know what’ll happen when there’s nothing more to burn, but he doesn’t want to find out. he’s afraid to find out.

he’s still in love with the moon and the stars, and the planet’s - and their moons, too. its subdued, now, though. a silent passion - one that is often not watered, left for rot. he sneaks into engineering lectures, occasionally, or physics - or anything that isn’t business, because he hates his major, but he knows it’s the only chance he’s got to stay at radcliffe. and that’s to follow his brother, to follow his father. a business degree treats you well, teaches you skills you’ll need to know for this type of work.

commits small acts of kindness when nobody looks. doors held open, the meals of elderly folk eating alone suddenly paid. picks up litter besides trash bins, and always cooks extra than what he needs, only to leave it in the gorham community fridge with no name, something for somebody who may need it. it’s these small things that make him feel, just the slightest, better about himself.

because god - there are layers and layers of self-loathing, the result of years of abuse. it’s a labyrinth, and he’d never speak of it - but he can’t stand his own reflection. doesn’t keep photos of his family, only a few sparingly of mercy. his room is messy, but still oddly barren. nothing on the walls except for a poster or two, sheets a standard navy blue and a row of empty liquor bottles on his windowsill.

a liar, sad to say. has little experience with. ehem. intimacy, and the bodies of others, but lies often and says that he does. mostly to his brother, but word travels quick - and he’s not nearly as much as a fuckboy as is rumored, having only been with a handful of girls, if even that. it’s better this way - if people know that he throws others away like they’re nothing. sex is uncomfortable for him, he always feels gross afterwards. wrong, sometimes.

he ghosts often, too, if he does get to talking with anybody. the moment ducky feels a spark, something pulling at his poor heart, he ghosts. he develops feelings too easily, too often than he’d like. has left many friendships without explanation, because of this. you know the priest in fleabag season 2? the scene where he comes to fleabag’s house? yeah. tht’s ducky!

has maybe half the amount of clients that mercy does, but he’s working on it. it’s his first semester at radcliffe.

pretends he doesn’t care as much as he does. pretends a lot, like there’s nothing soft to him. but a trained eye can see clearly through this. even so - even if you can see that there’s more to ducky than violence and drug deals - you’d still have to break through a dozen walls.

in the rare occasion you get him talking - i mean, talking a lot - he’ll talk about space. ramble off a dozen useless facts about dwarf stars and black holes and all of jupiter’s moons. about a video game he likes, about nothing and everything at all. but as soon as he begins, he stops - embarrassed. apologizes, shuts his mouth, disappears to wherever. anywhere but there.

uuuhhh. god. okay so ducky’s got an addiction to xanax. it’s numbing and it’s better than feeling, and he’d rather this than that and it’s. a Thing. we won’t go further into it. besides that - he does smoke weed, does try out some of their products to make sure it’s not … fucked, for their clients, but otherwise fucking hates drugs. social drinker, but still doesn’t like it a lot. hates beer but drinks it often.

overall just … he’s a soft boy, with a big heart - bigger than anybody else in his family, that’s for sure, but his exterior is far different than that, and it’s hard to tell.

purposely loses fights so that he doesn’t have to severely hurt someone. because sometimes he just - he was raised in a violent environment, and sometimes he snaps. sometimes ducky just fucking snaps. and his vision goes red, and he can’t control himself - because need to survive kicks in, and violence is all he knows. if someone pushes ducky - pushes him enough, he breaks. he fights back. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows. it’s all he knows, and that’s not an excuse - and he knows this, and god, he’s so tired. he is so. tired.

wanted connections.

clients… first n foremost. he needs people to deal to. i don’t think he handles the Hard Shit like mercy does, but like coke and mdma? works for him.

f…riend..s?… like it’s so hard for ducky to be sincere with people but if you don’t mind like … an emotionally distant man who doesn’t even hit 6′ then maybe? he’s your guy? maybe you can break him down a little? chip away at his cold shoulder?

a close…r friend… maybe not like. the best of friends. but at least one normal friend whose world does not revolve around fucking drugs and violence would be nice for ducky. someone he can be a little soft with, as a treat.

hook-ups… not many, because ducky doesn’t really enjoy sex too much but y’know. that’s just how it is. he do be having needs, tho. KDSJGSHDKLFSE god.

fisticuffs!… someone he got into a fistfight with. multiple people he’s gotten into fights with. he’s probably lost them (on purpose) but - mayhaps, some of them, he did not?

gorham roommate… god… i don’t know what these two cld get up to but! maybe give him a sexuality panic but who knows.

unrequited feelings… there’s probably a few of these. whether people are drawn to his fucking ~mysterious~ demeanor (he just has fucking anxiety, man) or mayhaps. mayhaps he has the feelings.

flirtations… he’s never been in a relationship so i can’t really include exes, but he can flirt with people i’d like to think … when he’s drunk. :-)

ghostees… everybody he’s ever fucking ghosted because he’s stupid and is afraid of both friendship and relationships and romance and platonic? feelings of warmth? so sometimes he panics and ghosts people forever. :) spite!

new yorkians… who are familiar with his family or the business they have there

enemies… god. i’m sure he has a lot of these even without attempting to make them. just like, by association, you know? sometimes ducky hates people because mercy does. sometimes he hates people because mercy likes them. JKSDGDSJGFSNLKF

i won’t lie i’m very tired and am having a Troubled Time coming up with connections please. bare with me.

annoyances… i don’t know if ducky can get annoyed very easily but? thorns in his side? something lighthearted? alternately, something Not lighthearted and then ducky :/ goes rogue JKDNGDSNLFK

idk something soft… literally anything soft. please :) give me something soft and cute :) and peaceful and not stressful :)

something ANGSTY and AWFUL… literally. i don’t know. duality of man.

ok i have been awake fr too long i’m going to bed goodnight.

you may have talked about this before but do you believe boris already knew he was queer and first approached theo bc he liked him or that he started crushing after they developed a close friendship and theo was what made him question his sexuality? i think theres reasons to believe either side- boris being bold enough to cuddle him in bed seems like he was making a move but him suddenly “loving” kotku seems like an impulsive move out of fear bc he realized he might like a boy. oof idk

I think Boris knew he was attracted to boys — which is evident by his playful, charming, almost teenaged-desperate pursuit of Theo. I think he probably inherently knew this about himself for a long time. I think Boris has always been physically attracted to boys since he’s entered puberty and since he’s still a young teen it is kind of a fun, funny, interesting, enlivening thing for him.

He’s never had a stable life and despite being all over the world he’s led an extremely sheltered existence in a certain way with only one terrible person as his constant (Vladimir). Boris lets it slip to Theo that everywhere the miners go they are hated — this includes Boris. Boris is hated by the public everywhere they go. So long as he is part of their unit, he is hated. That is mortifying to intelligent good-natured Boris. That is why he learns to slip out and around, to be so personable and friendly. His world travels have not been so glorious but probably rather extremely lonely and isolating (as with Judy in Canada), hurtful, and damaging. That is why Bami and Judy (and eventually, Theo) stand out to him so much — people who were kind to him in a childhood of isolated misery and directionlessness. Boris has no moral hang ups about his same-sex attraction - why should he? This directionlessness in his key developmental years is also a good thing: He never grew up around any sort of organized belief systems or stayed bound within an orthodox culture for too long for it to indoctrinate him as its own.

I think people really underestimate how incredibly remote and friendless Boris’ life must have been. Boris is a cheerful boy who Theo says is often plagued by black moods and sullen attitudes. He is an abused and secluded child dragged from location to location with literally no love or stability and constantly brutally beaten to the point where it does not even phase him. Boris actually equates love with that abuse — and nonchalantly claims his father loves him. That is painful to read, that amount of damage.

Living with a bunch of derelict miners whose leader was HIS FATHER (so surely then mostly assholes) and who are “hated everywhere they go” Boris has probably seen any NUMBER of things a conservative-minded person would (likely often erroneously) see as “morally unacceptable” — it’s like Boris is traveling the world with a crew of pirates. He’s probably seen drinking, all kinds of drugs commonly used in front of his face. He has esoteric knowledge about drug use that a child of his age should not — so he was taught by the miners: roll like this, dont include the stems, never mix this, tuck snuff like this, you can get this kind of drug here here and here, it isn’t safe if it doesn’t look like this. His young child’s mind eager to learn sucked up this black information from men who probably didn’t have a second thought to a child or what his developmental needs were. He’s probably first hand witnessed sex workers copulating with his father’s crew (how else would be have learned about the opportunity to lose his virginity in an Alaskan parking lot to a sex worker?), definitely thievery, and said he saw his father murder a man in the mine once and cover it up. Boris’ mind is full of a lifetime of this morally shadowed behavior being presented as normal, or at least secret but common.

I think he understands his attraction to boys in this same way. I think he feels it isn’t “appropriate” to share with Outsiders but it is something that Happens, something that is no one’s business but his own, and something that brings him pleasure and happiness and therefore something he will look for. However he knows it isn’t common or visible or “appropriate” to be showy about it in front of others — especially not people who could judge him (kids at school), kick him out (society), or hurt him (his father). Boris treats his attraction to Theo like his other vices and “bad” habits - barrels head first — but secret: deep dive into happy drug use (but don’t show his dad), steals everything he ever needs (but don’t let them see, put it in my coat), lies when it suits him (lies to Xandra and Larry and his father and Theo too), happily sleeps with Theo and has sex with him (but this is between you-and-me).

He knows other people might have a problem with his actions — but he does not. So that’s his hangup there. He is aware of and ever-vigilant of his surroundings. School: a safe place isolated from his father. He is free and happy to do what he wants at school — including crush on and go after Theo who he clearly likes. He thinks Theo is cute, flirts with him, tries to get him to notice him, talks to him after class, sits next to him on the bus, begs him to come over his house, tries to impress him with far-flung stories, gives him alcohol because it’s what he’s seen his father’s men do in pursuit of romantic partners or as a bonding ritual with one another.

Theo’s house is also a safe place. So safe in fact that Boris starts to leave behind some of the maladjusted development of his childhood and become more of a happy, clear-minded person. Boris and Theo suffer from arrested development and one of themes of the book is childhood lost. They are forced to mimic adults either knowingly or unknowingly, and act in ways that children should not have to in order to survive this Adult World alone. With one another they begin to heal from their traumas, their affection for one another the catalyst. Theo cooks for him, talks to a babbling eager-to-talk Boris (imagine how few people have listened to or understood the ideas of a smart boy like Boris, often surrounded by oafish alcoholics, his violent father where he is expected to keep quiet, or cultures where he does not speak the language), Theo sleeps next to him willingly, he likes Boris, a boy from New York (the top of the world!) he think Boris is funny and smart and worldly, shares his dog with him, hangs on his words, becomes his companion, cares for him if he drinks too much, tried to tend his wounds, welcomes him gratefully into his broken family, watches his favorite movies with him, celebrates holidays with him, inherently values him — and so starts to mend Boris’ broken heart.

A lot of things and viewpoints Boris has are clearly repetitions of things he has heard his father or the miners say — “Christmas is for children” (of course they’d say that to a tiny Boris longing for the magic of Christmas as a child stuck in a mining camp watching the peripheral joy of children around him and coming back to bleak hunger and a dark home), or “god yes I loved having sex with her” (about his hooker in the parking lot — Boris then says he knew she didn’t enjoy it and never shows enjoyment but rather avoidance towards women and girls in any genuine way afterwards, yet covets Theo’s physical company).

Theo on the other hand, who for a short while and then so painfully ripped from him, grew up with love. His natural disposition in Vegas comes from a place of being so recently loved and cherished by his mother and he here, in this lonely place, turns the focus of this disposition onto the one person who is kind and protective towards him: Boris — his one light in a life that has turned very dark. This is like an alien world to Boris. Lonesome and neglected Boris is touched and startled and soon changed by this kindness. So much so that Theo, unknowingly, alters the rest of Boris’ life (Boris feels Theo saved his life).

So that is why I believe the Kotku Gay Panic came about. After their climactic Vegas pool scene where their abuse and trauma is opened to one another (their wounds from their fathers, from fire, literally pouring into the purifying chlorine of the watery womb - mother - pool as they try to drown one another, angry at their attraction to one another, but then cling to and save one another instead) Boris begins to not just have fun and have sex and have freedom with Theo (all okay things by Boris’ standards as long as it is secret) — after that scene and they sleep together and Boris satisfies that teenaged human sexual need... they continue to hookup and be at bliss for a very long, happy time where they both begin to psychologically heal— Boris doesn’t just have sex and fun with Theo, he realizes he starts to love Theo.

Love - an extremely foreign concept to Boris who literally freaks the fuck out because he has no baseline for it. It isn’t the type of “love” that his father gives him (violent, untrustworthy), it isn’t the type of “love” the men who grew up around valued (cheap parking lot sex), it isn’t the kind of “love” his idol Larry has with Xandra (Larry lies to Xandra all the time), it isn’t the kind of “love” Boris has seen in his favorite movies (men and women over and over). No, this love with Theo is very very scary to him. Very perhaps dangerous. He doesn’t know.

I think Boris accepts his physical attraction to men as nbd. I think he probably feels most people feel such attractions or some other harmless private desires that certain people may see as an aberrant from “normal” for whatever reason (either typical kinks and silly hush hush sex shop porno stuff - or other far more despicable things he’s witnessed his father’s men do) and so thinks nothing of his own innocent, consensual goodtime-centered desires. Boris, who likely grew up with little exposure to healthy LGBTQ representation and has a very isolated POV in some ways, likely to some degree at the Vegas point in his life (however casually self-accepting he is) equates same-sex attraction with hush hush taboo sex activities — nothing to be ashamed of, but you’re not going to tell your dad.

As long as it is a personal thing, for him only, Boris embraces it. But it is the emotionality, the healing, the care, the love that freaks Boris out and makes him make a run for it to Kotku — only to recede to what he knows and repeat the exact kind of fake “love” he was taught by his father: unbelievable exclamations of devotion (Boris’ dad sobbing and telling him he loves him + “I love her I love her! She’s beautiful and perfect!”) coupled with the black truth (Boris’ dad beating the shit out of him + Boris beating Kotku).

Boris knows he likes boys but when he starts to love one — that’s when he runs away. Because that means something totally different: societally and personally.

trigger warning // abusive parents, emotional abuse

i might be one of only a few people who have been thru the experience of loving and trusting a parent(s) their whole lives, and in a matter of months have that trust utterly broken and the love that you felt for them lost.

context is, long story summarized, my mom put me thru a very tramuatic experience last year (on christmas no less) when she basically said she “disowned me as her child”. i cried and cried and the whole thing was horrible, she just shouted so much while my dad begged her to stop and calm down, and he tried to calm me down too and brought me food afterwards.

the context for this was basically, the christmas tree that i was decorating for hours the night before had fallen when i was downstairs looking for an extension cord, and its falling broke one of the ornaments from my childhood that i had painted myself while in kindergarten/first grade. it was so heckin pretty and i was so proud of it and hoenstly when i saw i broke, along with a few other beloved ornaments, i broke down.

december last year was filled with all kinds of shit that led me deeper and deeper ino my depression, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. while we cleaned up the tree with me sobbing intensely, my mom was all “i told you this would happen !!! you should have done what i said !!!” THAT’S what you say to your CRYING CHILD (i’m 20 but still im her child and you would expect a person to be more compassionate towards THEIR KID)??? instead of seeing that they’re obviously upset. this made me fucking pissed and i just stormed to my room, and declared that im not celebrating christmas this year. my mom forced me and coereced me to have christmas dinner, but i slipped away with a turkey leg and bread into my room, while she was fucking pissed in the other room.

the next day, we had the horrible aforemention argument, where we went over the christmas canceling thing and me not wanting to celebrate, but my mom also went on the thing that i didn’t want to take her vitamins anymore, and she was fucking pissed at me for that.

now, that makes no sense, but i have pretty bad acne, and my mom has *taken it upon herself* to treat my acne herself, even though i kept telling i didn’t want or ask for her help, but she’d just insult me and force/blackmail me to take them. this went on for over a year, and it sounds horrible on its own, but it actually didn’t change my opinion of her until last december.

her argument was “because you’re not taking the vitamins i gave you, it means 1) you want to ruin your skin permanenly (and she goes on about ONE lady she knows who has bad acne scars who i’ve never even met) 2) you want to HURT ME EMOTIONALLY because i worry about you and you having horrible skin makes me feel bad (this sounds kinda emphathetic from her side of things but trust me, the way she meant it felt more like im some kind of experiement to her who she needs to fix and when she can’t “fix” me, she feels bad instead of ever considering MY FEELINGS)”

anyways that whole load of bullshit resulted in me arguing with her, and eventually led to her threatening to disown me while i sat sobbing so fucking uncontrollably, which i think was the only time since maybe i was a baby that i had ever cried so much and so hard. she eventually said, in not so many words, fuck you and im disowning you, while i was left shattered in a pool of my own tears.

it took me WEEKS to recover from the emotional turmoil that experience brought me, and i could never look her in the eye again.

about a month later, my dad would end up driving me to college instead of my mom (bc im a 20 year old american who still doesn’t know how to drive whoops) and over the months of the semester, he’d share things about how bad this lawsuit is that my mom’s waging against our neighbor (wholeeee other kettle of fish that i won’t get into here) and how it was stressing him out and using up precious time, money, and energy that he had. he also mentioned the whole lawsuit cost 40K to manage up to that point, bc my parents had been doing it for about 5 years and that’s the total sum it cost over those 5 years. i was fucking shocked bc, i remeber years back even BEFORE the lawsuit when i saw my mom google “free colleges” for me to attend when i’d graduate, bc she said college “was too expensive”. i mean yea that’s true but there’s a good college here that i want to go to that’s 6K a year?? like if you add it up, my time at college would cost LESS than the 40K wasted on this lawsuit AND we’d deffo have money left over for house repairs, of which our house needs a million. but nah, my mom’s priorities is that we need to waste 40K on a lawsuit for a plot of land on our drive way the size of a desk. size of a DESK. im not fucking kidding here, i wish i was bc its so ridiculous.

then later i learned that my mother (who i already knew had disowned her first daughter, what a shocker) had as a sort of “punishment” to her first daughter, aka my half sister, to take her piece of their apartment back that is in Russia. my dad said we could compromise on the money and get about 50K to pay for the downpayment for our house here, but my mom was s u r e she could “win” her case and get 300K for her share, which my dad said was near impossible and could put my half sister and her family in danger, bc apparently money handling in russia is risky business and people get killed for that sorta money.

my mother didn’t give a shit. about the actual reality of the situaion or the pain/danger she was putting my sister and her family thru. she could shit a turd and give more of a shit about that than her own daughter.

anyways all this and more that i learned, as well as the trauma she put me thru in december, made me open my eyes to the monster i had truly been living with. i finally learned how horrible, twisted, selfish, and cold blooded she was, and knew she could never have held any love for me. the mother i had known my whole life was a lie, and that lie shattered before my eyes.

this went on far too long (probably bc it shows i need therapy ahahaha i still haven’t dealt with this have i) but the message i want to share here is, if you’ve been in a situation where your parents have turned out to not be the person you thought they were, and the love you felt for them and the trust you had in them had shattered overnight, i want to say i know how you feel.

when that happens, everything that was normal with your parent(s) becomes abnomal. you go to share with them something you’re excited about, but you realize you can’t. you think about that yearly event you both go to but realize you can never go together again. it might not even be because they won’t allow it (my mom has “forgiven” me and thinks we’re alright again, as if december was “nothing”) but because you know in your heart that the person you did those things with is gone. they were really never there to begin with, because the whole thing was an act and the traumatic expriences you went thru made you see their true colors. and you see that their true colors are ugly as fuck.

those pauses when you realize that you can’t ever be the same around your parent as you once was, those times when you’re forever locked up to them because you won’t allow them in, when you feel guilty that you haven’t forgiven them and that its somehow your duty as their child to forgive them, i’m not here to say that you should open up, but that you should not open up to them. don’t ever feel like you are obligated to open up to them or “forgive” them. they hurt you and they broke your trust and made you experience horrible trauma that’s hard to come back from. just because they’re your family doesn’t mean you must forgive them.

there’s this societal norm that we’re surrounded by that in order to overcome and deal with trauma, you have to forgive the people who hurt you. in my opinion, i think that couldn’t be farther from the truth. if you are a person who finds it easist to deal with their pain by forgiving those who hurt you, i’m not bashing you; more power to you for being able to forgive, especially when i can’t do the same. however, forgiveness is touted as this “cure all” that people should use to forgive everyone who’s ever hurt you. that cannot be true because what works for one person does not necessarily work for the next. one person may be able to deal with their trauma with forgiveness, and another person cannot do the same. i believe that you shouldn’t have to forgive those who hurt you, especially when you don’t feel strong enough to or feel any love/trust in them after they’ve hurt you. i can accept that what happened, happened, and that what my mother did to me happened, and that it affected me terribly and left me with emotional scars that will be hard to heal from, but i cannot call her my mom anymore or forgive her for what she did to me.

i do feel tinges of guilt sometimes because, i think, of this societal norm that you should forgive everyone, and i feel that coming from my place as a daughter, that i have some obligation to forgive my mother based on what society tells you. you may feel the same too, that you feel guilty for not forgiving your family and that if you were a better person you would forgive them. im here to say that that’s bullshit. you may feel guilty for not forgiving your family but that’s not some sign that you actually should forgive them or that you deeply down want to forgive them, it just means that you feel guilt because of what society has drilled into you. its okay to feel guilty about not forgiving your family and still not forgive them at the same time !! i feel like this sometimes, but i still know that the trauma my mother put me thru and the lies i uncovered about her make me realize that i can never forgive her. if you’re not emotionally strong enough to forgive someone, if you don’t feel the same love or trust in someone as you once did and so are unable to forgive them, i just want to say, its okay not to forgive them !! this isn’t some kind of contest that you have to win, you don’t have to feel like you’re a weak or bad person for not forgiving someone, bc our ways for coping with trauma are all different !!

in my opinion, i think trying to forgive or keep people in your life who are obviously terrible is not healthy in the long run. my mom is still doing the shitty things that are similar to what i described earlier, and i now know that she’s still just the same horrible, selfish, cold blooded person she always was; she was just under a mask. me forgiving her or tolerating her now won’t magically turn her into a good mom !! she’ll always be shitty and its healthier for me to just cut her out of my life as much as i can (while im still living at home with both that parents, and me being unable to drive, that is proving very difficult). it’s just better to cut out toxic people from your life and surround yourself with healthy people who will help you grow and thrive. it’s kinda like what marie kondo says,

(yea im an organizing nut but her book has really helped me organize the house, and i think organizing is kinda my coping mechanism, i spent so much time after december doing a full rehaul of the house that i had never done before, because i think i wanted to regain control of my life in some part as a way to cope for all the shit i went thru)

you should only keep things (or people) that “spark joy”. anything or anyone that doesn’t “spark joy” for you, you’re allowed to remove from your life : )

We have a returning citizen in Mount Phoenix:

                                  Bryan Jin, who is known by no other name;                                                   a 23 year old son of Cyhiraeth                                  He is a resident psychiatrist at Asclepius General.

FC NAME/GROUP: Jin Sungho, Bryan Jin, BC / 1Team CHARACTER NAME: Bryan AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 23/ July 18 1995 PLACE OF BIRTH: Bryan, Texas, USA OCCUPATION: Resident Psychiatrist (trained to do therapy as well) at Asclepius General Hospital, Trauma and Healthcare Centre HEIGHT: 174cm WEIGHT: 58kg DEFINING FEATURES: self-harm scars on his lower arms and thighs, including bigger raised scars from a suicide attempt. Multiple Tattoos documented here.

PERSONALITY: Bryan is actually surprisingly social. He liked people, he sees so much suffering, but he chooses to try to live his best life regardless. He likes to be around people to remind himself that he is not alone when it comes to the battle he’s fighting within himself. He is very perceptive but subtle, so if he sees someone struggling he doesn’t force them talk to him about it but rather he lets them know he’s always there for them. Bryan is fiercely loyal and a true friend. He is the kind of person who would never betray a friend, he is the kind of person who would lay on the line for someone.

Bryan has a dark side, he has clinical depression and that is a part of his personality. Sometimes Bryan puts a front on when he feels numb and empty, pretending that it isn’t all that bad. He just wants to try to act like it isn’t weighing him down. He just wants to feel normal and he knows this isn’t the best way to deal with his pain but he wants to seem like everything is ok.

HISTORY: Trigger Warning: Depression, Self-Harm, Suicide attempt, Death

Bryan was born to Cyhiraeth and a man named James Jin, Bryan was a pretty quiet baby apart from when he was being bathed. He would scream and scream until he was taken out of the bath. Bryan’s dad never told him exactly when his mom left but Bryan didn’t have any photos of her, so he had no idea at what she looked like and he used to imagine things about her that were the reason why he might have been left by her. He imagined she had to go for work, or that she was someone really important. He felt like the only child in school who didn’t have a mom. He ached in longing, missing his mother – a mother who hadn’t ever been in his life.

Bryan showed signs of his depression when he was as young as seven, and when asked later in his life he actually didn’t know that wanting to kill yourself wasn’t a normal thought until he was put in therapy and did not remember a time when he didn’t want to kill himself. He didn’t like showers or rain particularly, at first all he got was feelings. Ominous feelings. His father married when he was five and his step-mom had twin boys and then a little girl. Sungho loved being a big brother, but he couldn’t get himself out of the darkness that was already consuming him.

He was a quiet kid, he knew there were things wrong with him. He was exceptional at school, skipping grades and going to college early. He knew the way he was thinking wasn’t normal. He knew that the darkness he felt when he was in water wasn’t normal. But, it became a lot worse, he was having a swimming lesson through his school, that was his first blown vision. He saw his step-mother and he watched her die, he screamed and screamed – and became known as the freak – he was allowed out of the water and then begged his teacher to call his family. But before they got through, his father turned up at the school.

Sungho avoided water as much as possible, he had too many people he loved, and he couldn’t bear to see anymore death. When he was fourteen it was raining and he was walking home when the visions came through clearly, he saw his dad’s car going off the road and into a body of water. He knew it was soon, he didn’t know who else was in the car. His father did not die in the car crash, it was his brother who died. Sungho was left trying to be a big brother to a twin who had lost his twin and mother. It was starting to get too much, Sungho had been self-harming since he was twelve, and when he was seventeen, he had gone into his bathroom and slit his wrists in the bath.

It was his sister who found him – and he never forgave himself for this. He was admitted to a local mental health institution and was being counselled. He is medicated and that stabalised his mood enough that he could start to confront his demons, although his sister never looked at him the same again. He had ruined the way she saw him. She no longer looked up to her big brother but rather saw him in that bathtub every time she looked at him. He even had been told that his sister wouldn’t go into the bathroom for months.

At twenty-two he was training to be a psychiatrist – he wanted to give back. They had saved him and he wanted to help people like his younger self. He had a long term partner, who he’d been with since he was 17 and was engaged. He woke up one morning next to his partner, Kai. He kissed the other and had gotten in the shower to get ready for the day, he nearly collapsed in the shower when the vision hit him. Kai was going to be stabbed in a mugging, he felt sick. He knew what this meant, he walked out and saw Kai getting dressed.

Kai looked at the other and smiled, they shared another kiss and ate breakfast together. Bryan tried to convince the other not to go out but he wouldn’t hear it. Bryan was paged down to the ER and he knew what it was. He ran down and there was Kai bleeding out. Bryan held his hand, whispering, begging the Gods to save him. He looked in the eyes of his lover and told him he loved him one last time, and then the monitor flatlined.  He screamed, he tried to make them do CPR, knowing he was gone in his heart but not wanting to give up.

Bryan was damaged, trying to hold himself together but barely managing it. His sister had a baby boy and named him Kai but Bryan couldn’t bear to look at him. Bryan’s dad sat him down and told him that the family couldn’t sit around while he destroys himself again. He needed to get his life back together. Bryan was afraid of water, afraid of loving someone because he didn’t want to see someone die twice. And that was when his father told him to go to Mount Phoenix, told him to find his mother there and hope she could help him discover why this happens to him.

Bryan arrived and went back into medicine, he pieced himself back together, knowing deep down that it what Kai would want for him. He vowed that if he ever got enough control he would go back to his family. He’d already scarred his sister and brother enough. He just needed to heal.

PANTHEON: Celtic CHILD OF: Cyhiraeth POWERS: Bryan is able to foresee death, tragedy and danger when he is in contact with water. Normally its just an ominous feeling, but when it’s someone he knows he gets full blown visions of their deaths, which can cripple him in fear. STRENGTHS: Fighter, Loves like its his last day, always tries to find the light WEAKNESSES: Aquaphobic, major depressive disorder, his power can be debilitating.

[ Maybe I’ll. try to write down a list of things that happened in chronological order. It probably won’t have any set dates, or if it does it won’t be for every event, but maybe I can get some things down. ]

(I’m gonna start with what happened in w/k/m)

So that shit happens, the Colonel has his breakdown, and Wilford - enraged with the entire premise that the party was built on and near-delirious from losing half his damn family in one night - probably blows up on Will. Yes, Mark had his huge hand in it, but this wouldn’t have happened if Will didn’t have his hand in it with Celine, and the fact that Will’s son came of that whole tryst, and this, and that, it’s easily a berating that lasts for over an hour. 

Obviously they can’t stay at the manor anymore. Wilford collects his very young nephew and Will and packs them both off to a hotel for them to stay at and try to regroup. There’s probably some more unbridled rage on Wilford’s part, and he ends up leaving for the night - leaves Will alone with his son and his thoughts.

Will’s not certain where Wilford goes off to, but he comes back late into the night, disheveled and splattered with blood and dirt, and it’s unclear as to just who the blood belongs to. He looks tired; broken. (What happens is that he gets into a fight and, in his already poor state, things get out of hand. More than likely, he ends up with a genuine, accidental murder on his hands - the first he’s ever committed.)

They spend the rest of the night in silence. Wilford cleans himself up, they tend to a small Red who’s fussy and unable to settle down for sleep.

From then on, they start city-hopping.

While Wilford takes care of his broken brother and nephew, they tend to move from place to place quite a bit. Both to avoid any possible trouble that might come from the events that happened at the manor and the accidental murder that Wilford committed on his own. They’re effectively on the run for at least 5 years with a slew of fake identification papers and aliases and this and that.

Effectively cut off from the rest of their family. Mark is MIA, presumed dead, Doc has dropped off the face of the planet himself, and it’s too risky for them to be with their parents, both law-wise and for the fact that they’re clearly not aging anymore, at some point.

Will is... a lot of work. While Wilford tries to maintain the various odd jobs he takes up for them, he’s also trying to keep his brother together and safe. Will talks a lot about Celine and Damien like nothing happened - like they’re still presently in their lives. He sits around for hours talking to Red about his mother and his uncle, and how they’re going to have to visit them sometime, things of that nature. On top of that, Will tends to wander. Sometimes on his own, sometimes with Red. Never anywhere dangerous, but if he does, he almost never tells Wilford where he’s going or when he’s coming back. It stresses him out endlessly.

There’s at least one time, despite how far away they may be, that Will scoops Red up and they just leave, eventually ending up back at the manor.

It’s probably another 10 years still, around the time of WW2, before Will finally starts to stabilize and fall back into something like himself again. They settle down in some city and try to start a more steady life for their now three-year-old kiddo.

Wilford’s skeptical of his brother voluntarily joining the war effort (even amidst the draft), especially given what WW1 had done to him when he’d been of sound mind, but ultimately he doesn’t/can’t stop him. 

It’s around this time that Wilford juggles college (for a business degree) and his various odd jobs, as well as trying to care for Red. Red gets stuck with babysitters or in a daycare frequently, but Wilford tries to be there for the toddler as much as he can. He feels bad enough as it is dumping him off on a stranger, and it’s important for him to know that his entire family hasn’t abandoned him.

To add to the stress, this is about when Red starts having his nightmares about the manor and all that funky stuff that Wilford has 0 idea how to deal with. 

Will makes it back from the war in one piece, and they settle down again to try and find some semblance of normalcy in their lives. It’s probably around now that they resume their identities. 

(I’m thinking that they might’ve had some strings to pull with having a friend in government, so maybe at some point they had themselves declared legally dead, and at some point again they can have birth certificates, etc., forged again that allow them to use their normal names. I’m not 100% on how that shit works, but I do know that the court is fully capable of erasing people from records entirely if you know the right people. My mom exists nowhere bc of something like this.)

By now, Wilford’s done with school and in the process of opening up a candy shop that he owns for a very long time. It’s only when they decide it’s time to pick up and move again that he decides to sell it.

Will takes up odd-jobs here and there to keep up support while Wilford tries to get his thing going. He’s dabbled in a little bit of everything.

It’s after Wilford sells his shop for a small mint that they start to travel more here and there, both to satiate Will’s wanderlust and just to get out there and see the world while they can.

Will does go on solo excavation trips every now and again. He’s something more akin to an archaeologist for years and years.

Wilf probably decides to open a bakery at some point, still feeling like candy and treats are his true calling.

Wilford’s mental health is probably starting to decline. Every time Will comes back from one of his trips, Wilf’s... different. He’s a lot more forgetful, he starts to talk about things that happened years ago as if they only just happened yesterday, or haven’t happened yet. They get a letter from Doc at some point, and it’s a good few minutes before Wilford even remembers who exactly Doc is. He’s forgotten who Red himself was at least once.

Despite it not having been so pertinent in the beginning, Wilford was just as traumatized by the events of w/k/m as Will was, if not more so. His main problem is that his trauma was just left to fester as he took care of everybody else, and he’s got nothing but years and years of pent up rage and unresolved grief, and not just from the Event. 

Eventually, it gets bad enough that Wilford lets one of his more trusted employees take over his bakery and checks himself into a mental hospital in hopes of trying to get better for his family, despite Will’s insistence that he doesn’t. He’s not so far gone just yet, but it’s bad enough that he knows he’s a burden, and he doesn’t want that for them. 

It’s been a couple years since Will stopped his archaeology, uncomfortable with the idea of leaving his vulnerable brother and son alone for such long periods of time. It’s probably around now that he finds himself working in a zoo, eventually working his way up from a position low on the ladder to an actual zookeeper.

Despite Wilford’s absence from their lives, things seem to be moving along... normally. (Ignoring the fact that he and Will don’t age, and that Red ages very slowly. Ignoring the apparent supernatural elements of their existence.) For the first time in a very, very long time. 

I think it’s around the 1970s that the exposes on how poorly patients in mental hospitals were treated. Wilford had probably been in the care of one for closer to a year by the time these stories air.

Will, sick to his stomach, manages to break his brother out of the hospital he’d checked into. (I don’t have an exact story on how that happened, but it did.) It’s clear that Wilford hadn’t had a very nice time of things in there, and try as he might, Will can’t seem to get a story out of his brother. 

It’s likely that Will uses all of his accrued vacation time at once to stay home with Wilford for as long as it’ll allow him. Rather than opting to have someone take care of his brother - still skeptical after the asylum issue - he tries to take this on himself. 

Wilford’s functional, but Will’s still worried about him. He tries to look after his brother without making it seem like he’s taking on the patronizing role of a parent.

Because Wilford still technically owns the store, part of their income does come in from his bakery.

Wilford finds more and more as time goes on that, even though these memories are more than likely repressed by now, he finds himself increasingly passionate about the state of mental hospitals as they are then. 

It’s this passion that ultimately gets Wilford into the field of journalism, mostly in hopes of truly bringing these depraved institutions into light and getting these poor people the help they actually need - and possibly bringing these employees that had been treating them so poorly to justice. He wants to do good with his journalism.

This is the career he sticks with until present day, although his fields within the field of journalism do tend to change.

Despite this, his mental state is still on the decline. Instead of talking happily about things that happened in the past as if they were present, there are lots and lots of things he genuinely doesn’t remember, and it’s apparent that the things he does remember are fading as time goes on. Will does his best to make sure that he remembers the people who matter, him and Red and Doc, though it’s a lot harder for Wilford to hold onto people he doesn’t see regularly. Will and Red are faces he’ll never forget because they’re around him so constantly. A fair chunk of their childhood is gone, their teen years, their parents and Mark. The events of w/k/m have all but been stricken from his mind, along with the memories of Celine and Damien. His personality is a little more loose and eccentric, even for someone like him who’d always been a little on the strange side, his morals seem to be a little less strict, but on the whole he’s still a functional person and a capable, reputable journalist.

They start to pick back up on their travelling again, working around Red’s school schedule and making good use of Will’s flexible work schedule. (Having been there for so long, he has a little more leeway.) 

Will starts to take lots and lots of pictures, mostly for the benefit of Wilford’s poor memory. Eventually Wilford finds interest in this subject and takes up the picture-taking himself, both for what Will says is for the sake of his memory and for work. More than a couple of their abroad trips have been for various stories/interviews Wilford wants to run for his career.

It’s during this time that they probably move one final time, into the house that they live in currently with the rest of the family.

Will says goodbye to his job as a zookeeper and, in the pursuit of finding something else to satiate his wanderlust and satisfying an old interest of his, starts bottom rung in the train conductor field.

Wilford takes up his job as an investigative journalist, though short-lived due to his... unique way of conducting these interviews (see his reports/videos on Slenderman - his first and last endeavors in this field). His mental state is more akin to what you see in canon and on this blog. A general state of manic at all times.

It’s around now that they start falling into the routine that you generally see played out on this blog. Will eventually falls into becoming a stay at home parent, and Wilford runs his own talkshow with an online business or two on the side, rather than investigative reports.

While not mentioned above, it can be assumed that Wilford’s initial accidental murder was his first, but not his last. While not a frequent thing, it did still happen.

Will plays an integral part in not only hiding bodies, but covering up his brother’s involvement entirely in these murders.

This generally coincides with how much they move around before they get to their current house.

Will doesn’t remember a thing for the next 15 years after w/k/m. He has little to no knowledge of the specifics of his breakdown and things that coincided with those years, and since Wilford’s memory is shot and Red was so young, it’s a time period that’s all but lost to history, save for a few shoddy memories on Red’s part.

There are seemingly random events in time that Wilford does remember. There’s no rhyme or reason as to why these stuck with him, but they did, and he still remembers.

At some point, Wilford probably tried to start up his own circus with Will’s begrudging help. But it was around the time that circuses were falling out of popular entertainment, and it didn’t last for very long.

The mental hospital definitely had lasting effects on Wilford as a whole, those it’s unclear as to what specifically came from the hospital and what showed up as a result of his already deteriorating mind.

At some point in time, probably some short time after WW2, they did go and visit their parents again, if only to let them meet their slightly older grandson and find out how they were doing. 

After this, they do keep up writing letters with their parents for a while, but eventually - with all the moving around on both parts - things get lost in the mail and correspondence stops. The three of them don’t get a chance to say goodbye to their parents/grandparents.

Eventually, since they’re out of contact for so long even before Wilford starts to lose himself, Wilford does genuinely forget that both Doc and Mark exist. It doesn’t take long for him to rebuild a relationship with Doc once he enters the picture again (he remembers most of who he is), but it’s not an instant process.

I’m not sure when they find out that Mark’s still alive and kicking, but Will finds out first, and he definitely keeps that knowledge from Wilford for as long as he can, given that he was one of the direct catalysts for all the shit that’s happened. He doesn’t want to risk Wilford remembering the past and really losing his shit, and part of him feels (felt) like Mark doesn’t deserve the chance to reintegrate himself into the family.

While it wasn’t all readily apparent at first, Wilford’s mind didn’t deteriorate all at once. It started with little things that wouldn’t be missed because they didn’t talk about it anyway. Such as Doc and his disappearance, their childhood, their parents. That stuff slowly started to fade away first, but if Wilford doesn’t notice it himself and he doesn’t make it obvious, then no one knows it’s happening.

The Big traumatic events in Wilford’s life are not of the few things he remembers. They’re the reason he is the way he is.

Will worked as an assistant teacher/teacher’s aid in Red’s school for a very, very short amount of time at some point. He had a particularly fond bond with that teacher who’d been happy to let him come in and help out. It was a way to occupy his time and spend a little more time with his kid.

Somewhere more recently, though not too recent, Will had also taken up the hobby of beekeeping (he’s got a real, real fondness of bees). It didn’t last long, much to his dismay.

Wilford has journals upon journals chronicling important events in his life that he’s determined not to forget. They’re in trunks in the attic, although under a specific lock and key that Wilford only has access to.

While Wilford has had numerous trysts and flings throughout the years, Will may have only had one or two other vague interests before Tori and after Celine. He was in no state of mind to deal with a relationship, and he couldn’t bring himself to put Red into any awkward situation that that might bring along.

Will’s artifact collection is so vast because 90% of them were taken illegally from the dig sites. Go figure.

While not mentioned, Dark has always been a constant in Wilford’s life somehow or another. He’s always been as familiar to him as Red and Will have, even if they haven’t been dating the entire time.

Another short-lived endeavor of both Will and Wilford’s was owning/running a drive-in theater together. Will generally manned projection and the technical aspects and Wilford dealt with the public aspect.

Mechanic may have also been among Will’s odd jobs at some point.