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kaz11283 · 3 years

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46. “I’m in love…shit” with Loki. If you are still wanting requests. No pressure your stuff is amazing!

46) I'm In Love....Shit

I think I'm in Love

Summary: you and Loki spend some time together, later while talking to Thor in their mothers garden Loki comes to realize that he is absolutly in love with you.

Announcement: I havent been very with it these past few days and I feel like I have been slacking in a way. I have been so busy that by the time I finally get home and I am able to relax a pass out because I am so tired. I am trying to get better at this though and I am trykng ro work out a schedule for Fire and Ice maybe set a day of the week for that and just do requests durimg the rest of the week. I love you all and thank you so much for the love that you guys give me!!! 💚💚💚💚

~~~~~

"Darling! It was absolutly hilarious." Loki laughted looking down at you.

"It was not and you know that very well Loki!" You said reaching up pulling a twig from your hair. You and Loki had decided to go out and ride since it was a pretty spring day and there was nothing else to do.

"Come here and let me help you." He pulled you to a stop so that he could help pull leaves and twigs from your hair. "You should have held on tighter." He smiled pulling the last of it from yojr hair.

"You should mot have slapped her tonmake her run off, Mr. Mischief." You said playfully smacking him on the arm.

"Watch yourself my dove." He warned stalking over to you.

"Oh what are you going to do about it Mr. Trickster?" You laughed pulling up you dress so you could take a few steps back. "This whole prowling thing doesnt intimidate me like it does your other fair maidens." You laughed loudly. He stopped and stared at you.

"My Lady y/n for you to think there are other besides you I would rather spend my time with." He placed a hand on his heart. "Why, you are absolutly right." He took off after you while you squealed with delight and ran away.

You ran from him up one of the paths that lead between the orchard and the castle walls. There were hidding spots all through there were the two of you use to hid when you were younger, the tall bushes being the perfect hidding spot to keep out of view from him. As you two chased and played you didnt realize there were two others observing.

Thor and Frigga warches from the balcony of her quarters as the sounds of screaming and laughing rose to them.

"How long do you think it will take for them to realize how in love they truly are?" Thor turned to his mother.

"Son, they have been doing this same song and dance now since before they were teenagers. Sometimes it takes a while for somethingblike that to become obvious." She answered leaning onto the rail.

"It is very obvious to others." Thor was happy that Loki had you but he knew that his brother wanted more he could tell by the way his eyes would light up when you were around.

"Though it is obvious to us it may not be as obvious to them. They are simply best friends that spend every hour of every day together." She sighed. She had taken you in and had let you start training with the other ladies working on how to be a princess.

"I dont understand allmother why I should start these. I am not fit to be a princess." You stated after your first class.

"But one day you will be. You may even rule over the kingdom." She said with a knowing smile.

"Thor, call for your brother please, it is time to start preparing for the banquet tonight." She placed her hand on his shoulder and gave a final look down to the garden where you and Loki where laughing loudly after he had caught you.

"Yes mother." Thor walked off.

"Loki! Mother wanted to let you know its time to start gettkng ready for tonight." Thor yelled through the garden trying to find the two of you.

"Ah, Lady Y/N, will You be joining the festivities tonight?" Thor bowed to you.

"Yes, I do hope you save a dance for me, will you Thor?" I asked smiling up at the blonde prince.

"As long as Loki doesn't stab me for it, I would love nothing more Lady Y/n." He took your hand and kissed the top of it.

"I shall see you both later." You curtsied and walked away.

"Brother," Thor smiled placing a hand on his brothers shoulder. "Does my eyes deceive me or could you possibly have a crush on Lady y/n?"

Loki moaned looking at Thor. "For the thousandth time, I do not have a crush on her. She is my best friend, someone I can talk to. Vent to when everything in the castle is just to much."

"Then I guess it would not bother you to bad to know that Fandral has asked if she would be attending tonight." This caused Loki to stumble slightly. "Said that if she wasnt escourted by anyone he could possibly have a chance to 'get to know her tonight'."

"Y/n wouldnt give that oaf the time of day much less attend anything with him. She has more class than that i dare say." Loki rolled his eyes.

"Well he hasnt asked her yet. Saod he figured he would wait till tonight and just meet her there. Said he couldnt wait to see just how pretty she looked." Thor gave Loki a sode ways glance and smirked.

"She can do so much better than him. She has better taste in book, though I doubt that he can even read," he tutted, "more grace, she is a wonderful listener, and he cant even dance that well." Loki stopped in front of his chamber doors.

"Loki, is that jealousy that i am sensing from you?" Thor raised an eye brow.

"By Norns, no Thor. It is not. I simply worry that she will be stuck with him the rest of the night and not be able to get away from him." He opened his door and walked inside his room. His heart was pounding, he did feel jealous. He was jealous that the time he would normally be spending with you would be spent with someone else. The only smart thing for him to do was to get ready and meet you.at your quarters so that he could escort you there and keep Fandral away from you. Of course time wouldnt work in his favor that night.

When you had arrived at your chambers you noticed a box with a note on top of it with Thors messy handwriting.

Lady y/n, I decided to take the liberty and pick out a simple dress for you for tonight. Though I realize that you must already have one but when I had seen this one I knew that i had to get it for you. I know the one you chose must be just as beautiful as you are i would greatfully appreciate it if youncould wear this one.

You rolled your eyes at thw thought of Thor picking out a dress for you, red and gold, he is by no means quarting you butnhe would do that type of thing just to get under Loki s skin.

When you opened the box the first thing you noticed was a beautiful golden chain that you assumed would go around your head, with an emerald that would sit lightly between your eyes. You removed more of the paper and noticed the dark green hues from the dress, when you pulled it from the box you noticed that the skirt hit midthight and the sleeves had cuts in them the material hanging from your shoulders to the ground. Next to the box was yet another note feom Thor.

Just go with it and lets see how you like it, the matching shoes are shoved under your bed. Dont worry thank me later by dancing with me.

You could see his face in your mind, picture him winking at you. You would surly kill him for this, or at least step on his feet.

After you finished pulling your hair half up and half down with a few braids falling from the side and finished your makeup you took a deep breath and stepped out of the door. You didnt understand why you were nervous but you were, its wasnt like you had never wore green before but this time it was different, this time there was nothing but green. It looked as if you were trying to say something.

You had always liked Loki, you has been friends since you were kids. Loki was your best friend, he was kind, caring, giving, compassionate in things that he truly cared about. You could talk to him about anything and he would listen, what you loved more than anything isnthat when he was with you all of his guards were down, you were the only one that got to see that side of him. You knew in your head though that he would see it as a compliment from his best friend as he sanced the night away with numerous other girls vying for his attention.

"You look....lovely?" Fendrel glanced at you as you walked into the dinning hall. "Might I be lucky to have a dance before you are snagged away by one of the princes?"

"Of course you may." You smiled holding your hand out to him. "You have always been a good lead Fandrel."

He took you spinning you onto the dance floor were some couples parted to make room for the two of you. He placed his hand on your lower back and pulled you closer to him. "You are quite a beautiful woman Lady Y/n, any man is lucky to be able to spin you around the floor." You blushed looking away from him, as you scaned the room you noticed Thor and Loki quietly talking to themselves. Loki looked handsome in his royal outfit, black and gold elegantly intertwining woth each other causing the emerald green to pop and to being ojt his eyes.

"Honestly brother, if she had planned on coming with him why did she have to wear my color? She knows by now what that stated." Loki rolled his eyes looking back to you and Fandral twirling around the dance floor.

"Maybe she didnt think much about it. You do realize that it is simply a color? There are many others here wearing it also." Thor said grabbing two glasses of wine and handing one to Loki.

"You truly are an idiot if you that she just so happened to pick out something like that, that just so happened to be my color. She wanted to make a statement." He handed his glass back to Thor and walked down the few steps leading to where you were dancing not noticing the small smile on Thors face.

"You know you are just as mischievous as your brother." Frigga came to stand beside him causing him to jump.

"Mother, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"Of course you dont son, just be careful, you could possibly be playong with fire on this one. Once they find out it was you setting this all up there no telling what they might do." Thors face dropped at the thought of the two of you teaming up aginst him.

~~~~~~~

ANNOUNCEMENT: OK Annon, I havent put the "I think I'm in love" prompt in this one because in all honesty this one I got carried away on and it was getting so long! I am making a part 2 and will add the link in once I am finished with it, i may actually have time today or tonight to start on it. Thank you so so much for the request and I love that it actually took me away and I didnt even realize how much I had wrote until I looked at it this morning! Keep an eye out for part 2 coming soon!!!

TAG LIST:

@kgirardin

@sophlubbwriting

@supbeeches

@high-functioning-lokipath

@drbaureid

#loki laufeyson #loki odinson #loki #loki avengers #loki daily #loki fanfic #loki fanfiction #loki x reader #loki fluff #loki and thor #loki x y/n #loki x you #lokilaufeyson #loki friggason #loki fandom #marvel loki #loki marvel #loki request #loki masterlist

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witchcraft-in-wonderland · 4 years

Text

Poor Little Anxious Crybaby (Pt.5)

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Virgil mostly talked with Brennan on the phone, he lived back in Virgil's other neighborhood, so they wouldnt be seeing each other until he got back from Jan's house.

Virgil didnt mind of course, he'd ways been more patient than his older brother, though some said it was because at that point he was used to never getting things, so he just never expected anything to happen as it was.

"You've been talking to this Brennan boy quite a lot havent you?" Janus said, a smirk on his face.

"Well friends talk to friends a lot dont they?" Virgil replied, hiding his face in his jacket slightly. Logan and Janus exchanged looks.

"Well they do!" Virgil said, pouting slightly.

"I'm just teasing Virgil!" Janus said in return, Logan laughed slightly.

"We do have good news though, Janus continued, Virgil lifted his head up slightly.

"Dad wants you to come home tomorrow," Janus continued. Virgil leapt out of his chair excitedly, rushing upstairs to pack his things as Janus and Logan watched him.

"Do you think our kids will be that excited about seeing us?" Logan said.

"I should hope they wont have to wait three weeks to see us after a visit with siblings," Janus replied, resting his head on Logan's chest.

Virgil awoke early the next morning for Janus to drive him back home, watching the woods pass by his eyes as they moved. Patton was sitting on the porch swing, waiting for them.

"Papa!" Virgil practically threw himself out of the car as soon as Janus had parked it and raced up the pathway to Patton.

"Aaawww, kiddo! Did you miss me or somethin?" Patton said, wrapping his arms around Virgil.

"Mhm," Virgil said, burying his head in Patton's shoulder. He helped Janus put his things back in his room before watching him drive away again.

"So what did you do while you were at Janus' place hm?" Patton said, raising an eyebrow and smiling.

"We played games and I helped him with his business and we went to the fair and I met a boy and he lives in this neighborhood so we can finally talk in person again!" Virgil said, Patton's smile widened.

"So tell me about this boy," Patton said.

"His name's Brennan, hes really nice and smart and funny and smart and pretty and smart," Patton let out a small chuckle.

"So you like a man with brains huh? Gee this family really does have a type," Patton said, his face fell slightly as he registered the sentence, his eyes flickering towards a wedding photo of himself and Mr. Black.

"Can I go meet him?" Virgil asked.

"Of course kiddo, but be home in time for dinner ok?" Patton said. Virgil nodded and rushed out of the door, scanning the slip of paper he'd received so long ago with the address on it.

Brennan's house was a dullish gray color, with white framed windows and a white roof, like it was meant to be in perpetual winter. The door to the house was black, with an ornate knocker on the front. Virgil knocked it three times and stood there, waiting.

A few moments later a woman answered the door, she was thin and blonde and had red eyes.

"Who are you?" She said, her voice was raspy, yet sweet.

"V-Virgil Black-" Virgil said, shifting his feet a little.

"Brennan! Your boyfriend's here!" Said the girl, Virgil blushed slightly at the idea. The girl moved out of the way as Brennan came running down the stairs.

"Excellent, now come on Virgil- I have something I want to talk to you about," Brennan said, grabbing Virgil by the hand. Virgil merely nodded and followed him to what he assumed was Brennan's room. Brennan sat him down on a chair in front of a whiteboard.

"What? Are you gonna tutor me or something?" Virgil said with a laugh. He snapped his mouth shut when he realized Brennan wasnt laughing.

"Now, as we have established, you are more boyfriend, and will be for the foreseeable future, so we have to lay some ground rules," Brennan said. Virgil's face heat up even more, he gripped the chair slightly, hanging on Brennan's every word.

"What are the rules?" He said, tilting his head.

"Simple, no mentioning family drama, no mentioning your uh- crying- thing, I'll be able to handle that one but my family doesnt handle emotional people very well," Virgil's face fell slightly as he watched Brennan write Dont Be A Crybaby on the board.

"Rule number three, I'm in charge, as the one with superior emotional and mental capacity, I will be better adept to making plans, you'll be better at all the mushy cuddly stuff," Brennan finished. He placed a sheet of paper down on Virgil's lap, the words were written in bright colored ink. Virgil folded and pocketed the paper, and Brennan sat next to him on the chair.

"So for our first date, you and I will be watching a movie," Virgil was about to ask what movie when Brennan turned the tv on.

Virgil hadnt realized movies could be so boring, he spent most of it with his body pressed against Brennan's, and Brennan's arm around his waist. He let out a yell of triumph in his chest when it was finally over.

"So what do we do now?" Virgil asked as Brennan moved to get up.

"I have practice in a few minutes so we'll have to wait till tomorrow," Brennan said.

"Why cant I watch you practice?" Virgil replied, fumbling with the strings of his hoodie.

"The sports I play wouldnt really suit your tastes, that's why we watched what we did, I didnt want to frighten you and cause you to start crying again like at the fair," Brennan said. Virgil smiled a little, this all seemed to make much more sense now. Virgil gave Brennan a goodbye kiss on the cheek before running off to tell Patton about his date, he couldnt seem to get the image of himself and Brennan in the future,much happier than he'd ever been, past or present.

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Tag list:

@faycanyons

@meowthefluffy

@luna--28

@sleepless-emo

@boobmaster69

@spooky-scary-virgil

@melodiread

@youtuberswithalex

@thefivecalls

@maryann-draws

@frog-candy-bee

@thecolorfulolive

@deathcanbegreat

#cori writes #crybaby au #long post #ts patton #ts logan #ts virgil #ts sides #ts janus #tw abuse #abuse tw #manipulation tw #tw manipulation #tw emotional abuse #emotional abuse tw #abuse #manipulation #emotional abuse

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chicagopd2020 · 4 years

Text

New Beginnings Are Good For Everyone Ch.5

Waking up the next morning was one of the easiest things she ever done, which was weird because she hated monday mornings so much. But getting up and going through her morning routine just to make sure everything is right before she heads out for her first day as member of the Chicago PD Intellgence Unit. Kim had a little extra pep in her step and she was happy about it because it hadnt been there in a long time. She grabbed her jacket & keys ready to walk out the door. She stops for coffee to make sure that doesnt hit a wall in the middle of the day.

Kim walks into the station and she sees Sargent Platt, she decides that the best thing to do is to talk to her and to see what she is suppose to do. She stands there silently as Sargent Platt finishes the conversation with the officers in blue. When Trudy looks up and notices Kim she tells the officers to move along. She welcomes her back and asks if she is ready for her first day.

Kim replies happily that she was more than ready to prove herself to everyone. She kept small conversation with Trudy until Trudy looks behind her and notices one of the members of the Intelligence Unit.

Upton?

Yes Sargent?

You know Agent Kim Burgess?

Yes I know Kim

Well would mind buzzing her upstairs with you just until we can get her into the system.

Of course, follow me Kim and show you where you are going to start spending most of your time

Oh I cant wait.

I promise you that will change, I love my job but you have no time for a personal life.

I guess that it is a good thing that I am a woman focusing on her career right now and not a romantic relationship.

They carry on with their conversation with their small climb of the stairs, Hailey walks her to Voights office and wishes her good luck even though she knows she will see her in just a couple mins.

Kim welcome to your first day as a memeber of intellgence, just want to go over a few things while we wait on the last couple people to show up. He starts going over the rules and not that there was many rules but he lives strongly by the few rules that he has.

Kim has noticed that Hank Voight is not your normal Sargent but she wasnt wanting normal she was just wanting to serve justice for the city of Chicago. She continues to listen intently to what Voight is saying taking everything he was saying to the heart so she knows what not to do to get on his bad side. I am going to give you a few weeks to study everything, I have set up your test in two weeks for you detective exam. The moment finally comes to where he asks if she had any questions

I will make sure that I study up on everything that I need to know so that I can pass the test of my first try. I say things like that so I can keep it in my mind that I will pass the test and that I can do anything I put my mind to.

I know that everyone is partnered up with someone, I was just curious who my partner was going to be? I know that no matter who I am with that I will have a great partner. This team just seems like they have each others back no matter if they are actually partners or not.

That we do Kim we are family here, Whatever one member of the intellgence is going through everyone feels the pain, I know that it is weird to say buts it true. We have our fights like any of family but at the end of the day we will have each others back no matter what.

That is exactly what I want because at the FBI yes it was everyone worked as a team but at the end of the day everyone was only watching out for theirselves and if they had the chance to do it they would throw someone under the bus in a heartbeat. That was until Erin came I knew that she would have my back no matter what and she was the only thing that I was going to the miss about it and that was it.

Good to hear Kim, he looks out the window and notices that the whole team is here. Come on lets go out to the bullpin and I will let everyone know all at once who you are going to partnered with.

The door opens and everyones eyes looks toward the door and sees Kim and Hank exiting, Hank finally speaks up, So as everyone of you know Agent Burgess as of today is officially a member of Intellgence and I think she is going to be an amazing addition to the team and I want you all to make her feel at welcome. So as of today Burgess you are going to partnered up with Halstead, Upton you will be with Ruzek and Atwater you will be Olinksy.

Hailey showed Kim where her desk would be, which was actually her old desk. Hank liked the partners to be close to each other that shows they can work as a team not only on the street but in the close quarters of an office.

The first couple hours was kind of quiet just everyone going over cases they had been working on. When Voight walks out of the office and catches all of their attenion.

We have a case, We are looking at a small drug smuggling team that is somewhat new to the city, and one of the leaders of the team is trying to look normal or something because he has a nine to five job and he doesnt live in these high priced homes to make it not look so obvious but the others, they are staying hid very well because there has been no trace of any clues as to who any of his partners are. This is Lorenzo Lopez he is best known as Enzo.

Kim finally looks away from the file in her hands and takes a look at the picture hanging on the board, and her eyes go huge. She looks over a Jay and they share this look knowing that this was the neighbor that Jay thought was very sketchy. Voight must have caught onto that look, cause he questioned them.

What is that look the two of you just shared?

Well it turns out that he lives in our building and right next door to Kim. He just moved into the apartment a few weeks ago and he seemed kind of sketchy but I never really thought anything of it.

Kim was just lost in her thoughts that she didnt really hear the conversation that was going on. Until Jay tapped her shoulder to get her attention. She slightly jumped that never happens, she just thought that she left him in the past and now she was going to be apart of the team to send him to prison and honestly she cant say that she was upset about it. It was one of the main reasons that she left him she knew that the business that he was in wasnt legal and there was no way in hell that she was going to let him mess up her career.

Kim are you alright?

Yeah, Im just thinking about someway, anyway that we can take him down.

Jay wasnt buying it but it was her first day he wasnt going to push the boundaries just yet. So he just let it go for now.

Halstead you and Burgess go talk to your CI'S and see if they know anything about this. Everyone just keep digging into his past and see what you can dig up.

Kim heard the last sentence and knew that she had to tell someone about her connection to the suspect before someone actually figured it out and wonder why she didnt tell them, so who is best to tell then her partner.

They get into Jay's truck and head out and she knew that if she didnt talk about it now that she never would. She lets out this deep breathe

Jay I need to tell you something.

You can tell me anything. Im here for you

Its about the suspect that we are looking into, you know last night when I said something under my breathe about our sketchy neighbor

Yeah, what about it?

Well, what I didnt tell you is that I know Enzo very very well

How well?

As in we were together for over a year

What?!?!

Yeah, when we first met he was normal like any other guy but then the longer that we were together its like I just didnt get the same vibe from him that I used to. When we would spend time together I would feel uneasy that something could go wrong at any minute. So after that night I just told him that I think that it was best if we seen other people and that I didnt see a future with him. Lets just say that he didnt take it the best and i had to end up moving somewhere else but a few weeks before I found out that I got the job here I felt as if I was being followed and yet somehow we end being neighbors. I didnt want to think nothing much about it when I first set eyes on him but it just seems like he found out from someone that I was moving here and just thought that maybe if he lived here first that I wouldnt think nothing about it.

Kim you definetly have to tell Voight about this

I know I just didnt think that I would ever see him again

Even though you never thought you would see him again doesnt change anything he is our main suspect and you could be the reason he is in Chicago and that may actually lead us to him, I would never actually make you do anything that would put you in danger I hope you know this

I do know this, but whatever helps put him behind bars quicker I am willing to help

Jay talked to a couple of his CI'S and they were not much help, So they started back toward the station when Halstead got a message with an address to meet the rest of the team. As they arrived they seen the team surrounding something on the ground and as they made it to their side they seen that it was a woman who couldnt have been not much older than 25 and she was laying there with a cut throat.

Do we think that this has anything to do with Enzo and his men? Kim questioned

We wont know anything until we get the autopsy back. Says Voight

Sarge is there anyway that I can have a word with you

Yeah, sure

They walked far enough away that nobody would be able to hear what they were talking about. She told him everything that she told Jay and hoped that whatever she told him would help.

Kim I know that wasnt easy to say but I am glad that you told me before we had to find it out on our own and then it would have looked bad on your end and looked like you were hiding something.

Thats what I thought and Jay told me that I should tell you right away and I feel so much better now that I did.

They join back up with the team and all head back to the station. Once they make it back to the station everyone gathers around the board and Voight feels the team in on everything you told him and they tried to figure out what was the best way they could get his guards down long enough for someone to get into his place to bug his apartment or even his phone.

Kim was the first person to speak up.

I think we know the only person that he is going to even let into his apartment is me

Kim you dont have to do this...Voight and Jay say at the same time

Your right I dont but I know that this is my job and that it is the right thing to do. You could always be close enough to that if I feel threathened that you will be right there.

If you are sure that you want to do this then we will do it

Its the furthest from what I want to do but its what I know needs to be done.

Alright everyone we will put everything in motion tonight. So get ready

Kim cant believe she is the one that thought of this but I think in the end its the only thing that would have made sense, Its the only way they will be able to bust him

#jay halstead imagine #jay halstead x reader #Jay halstead x kim burgess #kim burgess #chicagopd #chicago pd x reader

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1dffchallenges · 5 years

Photo

Not a Throwback

Written By: @fireawaynjh

Characters: Sophie Kemper (OFC)/Niall Horan

Summary: Parenting is hard, anyone will tell you. But being a single parent is even harder. Niall loves his son more than the world and he would do anything to make him happy. But he soon discovers the sacrifices he will have to make. Dating his son’s teacher isn’t always the easiest. But can he make it work? Or will he have to sacrifice his own happiness this time?

Author’s note: pls excuse my terrible graphics also I changed my banner because i like to think I got better at photoshop; i did not

Warnings: mentions of drugs, alcohol, mild swearing

2012

Niall closed his laptop as the text from his girlfriend popped into the corner. He walked down the stairs to let her in with his usual smile. The smile faded upon seeing her dismayed look.

“Something wrong love?” he asked, stepping aside to let her in. Her arms sat folded across her chest as she walked in quickly. Niall grew increasingly more worried with every second she stayed silent.

“Babe what’s-”

“I’m pregnant.”

Niall stood in shock for a moment. His mind immediately thought about the fact that in a month he was supposed to leave for uni. He couldn’t work and study and be a father, that would be insane. He could see in her eyes that she was just as worried as he was. With a soft sigh he opened his arms and drew her close to him.

“How do you feel?” he asked as she pressed her nose to his chest. He could feel her shoulders shrug up.

“Alright I guess. I know I want to keep it.” Trying to keep the shock off his face, Niall nodded. She’d never wanted children before. It surprised him that she’d want to keep it.

“How long have you known?” he asked.

“Three days,” she whispered. He nodded gently as he rubbed soothing circles over her back.

“You have my support no matter what Carls,” he assured her. He felt guilty for secretly hoping she wouldn’t keep it. He wasn’t ready to be a father and she never wanted to be a mother. It was stupid of them to think that this was a good idea. Of course Niall would never say any of that to her. He meant it when he said he’d support her. He loved her, he knew that for sure, and if she were to keep this baby, he knew he’d love it too.

The months went by and in early March of the next year the couple welcomed their son Killian. Niall found a job working at the tech shop, selling smartphones and tablets while he attended his first year of Uni. He switched his studies from music theory to applied business and began putting money away so he could support his new family.

The nine months had been hard and they’d battled their fair share of arguments. But Niall truthfully was happier than he ever could have imagined. He didn’t know why Carlie was so worried about having kids, already she was an incredible mum. He’d soon find that he didn’t know her well at all.

2017

Niall gripped the edge of the podium, refraining from chewing at his nails, as he stood in front of the judge.

“Mr. Horan you had no idea about the drugs?”

“No Your Honor.” he stated plainly. The past two months had been a haze. Carlie, his now fiance had been arrested for using and selling heroin as well as selling every other drug under the sun.

“You didn’t notice the change in your fiance?”

“I did Your Honor, I thought it was her new job and stress from taking care of a toddler.” She had lost her job a year earlier, the store she worked in went out of business. She told Niall she’d found a new one, in reality she’d started selling drugs for his best mate.

“And where were you during the days if she was the only one watching your son?”

“Working Your Honor, or at Uni. Our arrangement was I would work and get my degree so I could support the family better.” The judge nodded.

“Well Mr. Horan, Miss Aldon attests that your son was never around the contraband and that you played no part. I’ll review your testimony and we will resume next week with a verdict of custody.” He smacked the gavel on the podium, the crack echoing through the room. Niall sighed as he gathered his belongings and walked out of the courtroom.

“Mr. Horan!” Niall turned as he walked out the doors to see the lawyer Carlie had hired approaching him. Niall turned to him and raised a brow. “Miss Aldon is allowed visitors now. She would like to see you.”

“Does she now?” he snapped coldly. He knew he was just the messenger but he still resented the guy for representing Carlie at all.

“I’m sorry Mr. Horan, for everything this has put you through.” Niall thanked him before walking to the elevator and heading to his car. The jail wasn’t far from the courthouse, Niall knew he should get this over with.

Carlie looked exhausted as she sat on the other side of the glass. But it looked like exhaustion from worry about herself. It was different than the exhaustion he’d seen rising in her since Killian was born. He knew she was relieved to be away from the responsibility and that sparked the anger in him further. He gripped the phone and scowled as he held it to his ear.

“Niall I’m so sorry-”

“Shut the fuck up Carlie no you’re not.” he growled. She flinched. He’d never spoken to her with anything less than respect. Even through fights she could always tell that he loved her and that he respected her. Now she wasn’t sure what he felt.

“Niall I never wanted this to happen,” she insisted.

“I believe that, I know you didn’t want to get caught. Why in the hell did you even start the drugs if you didn't want to get caught?”

“Niall it was a moment of weakness. I’d just lost my job, no one would hire me only three days a week.. I was desperate, I went to the pub and Alec was there. He listened.. He understood how I felt.” Carlie sighed and shook her head. Niall knew by the fondness in her voice that it was more than just drugs with Alec.

“You fucking slept with him.. You fucking slept with my best mate.” Niall let out an exasperated laugh. “Unbelievable. I fucking propose to you and what do you do? You turn around and sleep with my best mate and start dealing.”

“I didn’t think it would go this far-”

“Of course you didn’t think! If you fucking thought about it you wouldnt have done any of it and we wouldn’t fucking be here right now!” Other visitors were beginning to stare at the arguing couple.

“Stop yelling at me!” Tears began to fall down her cheeks.

“Stop yelling?!” Niall laughed again. “I could fucking lose Killian because this shit and you want me to stop yelling at you?!” Carlie’s jaw dropped. “Oh so you do care about him.”

“What? Of course I care about our son Niall.” She looked hurt at the accusation.

“But you didn’t want to parent him right? That’s why you kept taking the drugs, so you wouldn’t have to feel the stress of a toddler?” She scrambled for an excuse and Niall knew that look too well. She hated to be called out on her shit and she always fumbled for excuses. “Yeah I fucking thought so. So thanks for everything Carlie.” He moved to hang up the phone but she stopped him.

“Niall wait! You’re right okay? It was too much, but I love Killian and I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you. If you see him will you please tell him I love him?”

“Goodbye Carlie.” Niall hung up the phone and walked back out the door. His heart ached as he got back in his car. All he wanted right now was to hold his son. Fear of losing him only worsened the ache and he thought about going to his mother’s house to see him but the social worker warned that it was best for his case that he not see Killian until the verdict was given. Instead he drove to the pub, in desperate need of a drink.

He ordered his double vodka soda and stared at the carbonated bubbles rising in the glass.

“Tough day mate?”

Niall set his jaw, not looking away from the glass. “Get the fuck out of here Alec before I beat the shit out of you.”

“Niall mate-” Niall turned to look at him.

“Don’t you try to explain yourself to me. I was gonna ask you to be me best man y’know that?” Alec swallowed hard, his adam’s apple bobbing. Niall wanted nothing more than to punch it right now. “I don’t want to speak to you again, please go.” Alec didn’t argue and turned to walk out the door. Niall tossed back the entire drink and set the glass back down.

“Another please.”

2025

“Killian mate it’s time to get up!” Niall called from the opposite end of the apartment. The 12 year old groaned and shoved his head further into the pillow.

“Oi! I know you’re not up yet! C’mon i’ve pressed your uniform so you could sleep more now y’gotta get up so we can go.” Niall called again. Killian threw back the covers in annoyance and got up off the bed.

“I’m standin Da!”

“Good lad.” Niall finished wrapping the ham sandwich he’d thrown together, one for Killian and one for himself, putting Killian’s into the paper bag with a packet of crisps and some biscuits for his lunch. He put back the bread and mayo as his son came down the stairs in his uniform. The spoon Niall had laid next to a full cereal bowl quickly made its way to Killian’s mouth as he shoveled coco pops down.

“How’d y’sleep mate?” Niall asked as he poured coffee into his thermos. Killian shrugged and kept shoveling food into his mouth. Niall nodded knowing that was all he was going to get out of his son this early, finishing up his coffee before screwing on the lid and handing the brown lunch bag to Killian.

“Y’got your list of classes for today?” Niall asked. Killian rinsed out his bowl in the sink and nodded.

“It’s in me sack Da’ stop naggin me”

“I’m just checkin, not gonna be able to bring y’stuff if you forget this year.” Niall had just gotten a promotion at the firm he worked for. Before he’d worked from home settling all the accounts for the company but now he was on site working with the payroll side of the company. The pay was much better, even if the hours were complicated.

With in a few minutes Killian managed to finish off his breakfast and the two headed out to the car. Niall quickly pulled out of the drive and made his way down the street.

“Right what’s your plan for after school? Are you gonna go to Nan’s or what?” Niall asked.

Killian shrugged. “Dunno, James might be havin a few of us over or somethin.”

Niall nodded. “Just text me what time and where I need to pick you up yeah?” Killian nodded and the drive continued in silence. Niall pulled up out front of the school and Killian hopped out.

“Thanks Da! See you tonight.” Niall waved as his son jogged up the front steps. He couldn’t believe he was already a year eight. The time was flying by and Niall wasn’t sure how to feel.

The weeks continued with the same routine. Breakfast, work and school, home for dinner and whatever sporting match was on that night. On the Thursday of the fourth week Niall sat in the kitchen, looking at his calendar while he ate his breakfast. That night was parent teacher information night. He hadn’t called for a sitter and he wasn’t sure what he should do. Did Killian even need a sitter? He could always ask his mum to watch him. He glanced up at Killian as he walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl for some cereal.

“Y’alright?” Niall asked. Killian nodded as he poured the milk. “I’ve got your teacher night thing, d’you want to stay here or go to Nan’s?” Niall figured giving him the choice might help his decision process. Killian had never stayed on his own, but it was only a few hours and he was definitely old enough to take care of himself.

“Don’t matter to me,” Killian shrugged. Niall nodded.

“Right then I’ll just let Nan know you’ll be here and you can call her if y’need anything.” Killian nodded again and sat down to eat.

That night Niall anxiously searched for his keys while Killian finished his homework.

“Da I’ll be fine, the pizza is coming, you left me money just go.” It amazed him how perceptive he’d become. Niall nodded to his son and grabbed his keys off the table where they had been sitting in plain sight.

“Alright, alright. Call your nan if y’need anythin.” Niall grabbed his coat and darted out of the small apartment. He arrived at the school 20 minutes early but after an incident getting lost last year he knew he should allow for extra time. Fortunately, Killian’s registration room was across the hall from the room he had in year seven and Niall had no troubles finding it. He gingerly pushed the door open, not sure if anyone was in there, and a small brunette popped her head up.

“Oh hello! Are you hear for parent night?” she asked, rising from her chair. Niall was surprised to see such a young woman seated at the front of the room. She couldn’t have been more the 26. As he nodded she walked around to the front of the desk with a bright smile, her dark hair bouncing softly as she stepped. Niall wasn’t used to seeing such a vibrant teacher, let alone a beautiful one. He returned her smile as he stepped forward as well.

“I’m Niall, I’m sorry I’m a bit early, last year I got turned around.” A bashful chuckle pushed past his lips and he glanced at the ground shyly.

“That’s quite alright. I’m Sophie Kemper. I’m guessing you’re Killian’s dad?” Niall raised a brow, worrying about how she was so familiar with his son already. “He looks just like you.” He let out a breathy chuckle as she explained.

“Yeah we do get that a lot, I hope he isn’t given y’trouble in class,” he replied easily, folding his arms over his chest anxiously. He hadn’t spoken to a woman his age in a decade. Not one he wasn’t related to at least. He wasn’t sure what to do.

“Oh no he’s great,” she smiled. “He’s a really lovely kid.” Sophie couldn’t deny the fluttering in the pit of her stomach as she spoke to Niall. He was much younger than the other dads she was used to talking to and he was far more attractive. She tucked her hair back shyly as she looked over at him. “Is anyone else joining you tonight?” She felt another flutter as Niall shook his head.

“No, it’s just me.” Niall wondered if she was asking because she was the teacher or if she might possibly fancy him. “His uh.. his mum isn’t involved.”

“I see well you’ve done a lovely job raising him, he’s truly a gem.” Niall smiled proudly at her compliment, figuring she was asking as the teacher. Niall was about to ask her another question when more parents walked in. Sophie walked up to them and shook their hands, introducing herself as Miss Kemper. Niall didn’t miss that part. Had he just caught her off guard and she forgot that she was a teacher? Or had she done it on purpose? He was pulled from his mental debate as one of the dads walked over to him.

“Niall mate! Y’alright?” he smiled shaking Niall’s hand. His son and Killian were mates and he’s been more than welcoming to Niall.

“Yeah doin’ well, yourself?” Niall replied.

“Bloody brilliant mate, got all four kids in school full time now.”

“Bet the missus is lovin that.” The two men smirked at each other.

“That she is… speakin of, have you caught a look at Miss Kemper? Bloody well fit she is.”

Niall chuckled. “Yeah she’s lovely, had a bit of a chat when I got here.”

“Oi oi! Good on y’mate, get on that.”

“She’s our kids teacher mate that’s fuckin’ weird,” Niall laughed.

“Oh for fuck’s sake its only registration, go after ‘er mate she’s the fittest bird in this town.”

Niall was grateful for Sophie calling for all the parents to sit. He wasn’t wrong, Sophie was definitely the most beautiful woman he’d seen around the town. But she was his son’s teacher and that added all sorts of complications. Sophie gave a great presentation about how she would help the students be successful. It was clear she loved teaching and she was passionate about her students. Niall loved that about her.

He made his way to all the other classes before heading to the caf for the final discussion of the night. As usual the headmaster explains how parent volunteering works and why it’s so important for the kids. He knew the drill, sign up for the least time committing one before all the other parents get there. He grabbed a cup of coffee and wandered up and down the stalls of sign up sheets. He walked past a bright red poster advertising the pasta feed auction. He could help with that. It was coming up in a few months and he wouldn’t have to help much.

“You helping with the auction then?” Niall jumped as he heard Sophie’s voice.

“Oh um.. yeah I figured that would mostly be nights right?” Sophie nodded.

“Yeah, I’m on the committee for it too, thought maybe my marketing degree my come in handy for once.” She giggled as Niall finished signing his name.

“Y’studied marketing then? How’d you get into teaching?”

She shrugged. “None of the big firms were hiring so I got my teaching certification.” Niall nodded.

“Well that’s brilliant. If y’need any help with it let me know.” Sophie smiled and nodded shyly. “I um.. I was going to grab another coffee, do you want one?” he offered. She nodded and the two headed to the refreshment table. Niall Poured a cup for both of them, Sophie adding both cream and sugar to hers. A grimace flashed across her lips as she took the first sip.

“I can’t believe I thought they’d actually get good coffee for this.” She shook her head but continued to drink in the caffeine.

“Honestly, they could have at least gotten a Costa or something,” Niall agreed.

“Exactly! Maybe sometime we could just go get a Costa.” She quickly realized what she’d just said. “Or not whatever, that’s probably weird-“

“No I’d love to, maybe next week?” Niall smiled as he pulled out his phone. “Put in your mobile and we can set something up?” Sophie beamed and took the device, quickly typing in her number.

Niall returned home with the biggest smile. Killian was still awake not to his surprise.

“Oi, y’didn’t tell me about all the ruckus you’ve causin at school.”

Killian rolled his eyes at his dad’s joke knowing that he was just joking. He clicked off the iPad and turned to his dad.

“Can we watch the football?”

“Yeah course we can mate, why d’y’think I’m here and not down the pub with Uncle Willie?”

“Cause Uncle Willie never invites y’anywhere.”

Niall chuckled. The kid had wit about him that was for sure. He sat down on the sofa and draped his arm over the back of it, clicking over to sky sports. Normally he watched every second of the match but tonight all he could think about was how heavy his phone felt in his pocket. He knew he was mere sentences away from getting to go out with a girl he fancied, he just had to grab the device and text her. But he thought about Killian. He had never dated since he was born, he didn’t know how Killian would react. But if he kept it to himself then it wouldn’t have to be an issue yet.

Once he was all tucked away into bed Niall hastily reached for his phone. He pulled up Sophie’s contact and quickly typed the message he’d been formulating for the last hour.

Hey it’s Niall… thought maybe next Saturday we could go for that Costa ?

He tapped his foot nervously as he stood in the kitchen, awaiting the response. In a minute nothing had come through and his anxiety was rising. With a sigh he tossed down the phone and walked to the fridge to grab himself a beer. The standard chime sent him diving for the device and scrolling to read the message.

Yeah that’s perfect, meet at 10 ?

Yeah that’s perfect see you then !

He breathed out a sigh of relief as he set down his phone again and took a long sip of his beer.

That Saturday came faster than he expected and with Killian staying at a friend’s house for the weekend he had the whole apartment to absorb his nerves. He tossed on about ten different shirts before settling on a black polo and some grey slacks. He knew he was a tad overdressed but he’d rather look nice for Sophie.

Once he arrived he got in the queue and looked around for Sophie. He was four minutes early, hoping that she arrived soon so he wouldn’t be awkwardly waiting for her. AS he took a step forward in line the door behind him opened and he turned to see who was there. He smiled as Sophie stepped through the door in a beautiful green dress that Niall couldn’t take his eyes off. He stepped toward her and gave her a polite hug and a kiss on the cheek.

“Hiya love how are ya?” he greeted easily.

“I’m good! I’m glad we get to do this.” Her smile was radiant, and Niall couldn’t stop himself from smiling more. They stood together as the line moved forward and as they reached the till Niall looked over at her.

“What would you like?” he asked with a smile.

“I’ll take a latte please,” Sophie smiled. She reached for her purse but Niall shook his head, ordering himself a latte before paying for both drinks.

“Thank you for buying,” she smiled. Niall shrugged easily.

“S’nothin, so how was your week? School not drivin y’mad?”

“No it never does, not yet at least.”

“How long have you been teaching?”

“This is my third year.” She smiled up at him as the barista handed over their drinks. “What do you do?”

“Nothin exciting really, I’m in the pay roll side of accounting at a firm down town.”

“Well that’s interesting,” she giggled. Niall chuckled knowing full well she just wanted to be polite.

“We both know it’s not.”

Sophie smiled kindly. “So what do you want to be doing?”

“I wanted to do music, I was set in a program at Uni for music technology but when I found out Killian was on the way I had to do something more practical y’know?” Sophie nodded.

“Do you play instruments?”

“Piano and guitar mostly,” Niall replied easily.

“My mum would have loved for me to be a musician, she had me in cello lessons as a kid but I was honestly horrible at it.” Niall laughed happily.

“I doubt you were horrible.”

“No I was, y’know in the films when the kid gets their first violin and it sounds like a dying animal?” Niall laughed harder knowing that she played like that.

“I’ll have to tech ya something easier and less horrible sounding,” he chuckled. Sophie flushed at the implication of further dates in the future.

“I’d like that,” she smiled. They spent the rest of the morning chatting about jobs and getting to know each other. Niall desperately wanted to kiss her as they walked back to her car, but the moment didn’t feel right, so he simply hugged her and walked to his own car.

Killian texted as Niall pulled into the apartment parking lot, saying he was headed home. He had just kicked off his shoes and tossed down his keys when he heard Killian bounding up the stairs, having walked across the complex from his friend’s house. Niall walked into the kitchen to grab some water as the door opened.

“Hey mate how was it?” he asked, sipping the water easily.

“Good, Collin has the new xbox.”

“Sick, did y’like it?” Killian nodded and grabbed juice from the fridge.

“Yeah it was cool, why are y’dressed up?”

“What?” Niall frowned as he set the water glass down.

“‘Y’never wear your work clothes on Saturday and y’ve got on the good cologne.”

Niall shrugged. “I met a friend for a coffee, that a problem?”

Killian sipped his juice. “Was it a date?” Niall mentally cursed the child’s intuition.

“So what if it was?” He cocked one brow testing to see how he handled the news.

“That’s weird da you’re too old to date.”

“Oi I’m younger than any of the other parents thank y’very much.”

“It’s not a mum from the school is it? I don’t want a sibling.” Killian continued. Niall shook his head with a chuckle.

“It’s not another mum mate, and it wasn’t really a date it was just a coffee.”

“What’s her name?”

“Sophie.” Niall folded his arms and leaned back against the counter.

“Are you gonna see her again?” Killian looked up with a tint of anxiety in his eyes. Niall knew the look well, he got like this any time there was a doctor’s appointment that could involve a vaccine or blood test.

“I was thinking about it… but if it bothers you that I date I don’t have to ask her out again.”

Killian shrugged and put his empty juice cup into the sink. “I guess it would be alright.” Niall could tell he was on the fence.

“Mate we talked about this, you can talk about how y’really feel I’m not gonna be mad.” Killian nodded but didn’t offer up any further discussion. “Let’s go sit yeah? Have a little chat.” The pair made their way to the sofa and sat down next to each other.

“What’s on your mind then mate?”

“I just don’t know why you’re dating… you always said you loved mum.” He looked down at his lap. “I just thought you two would work it out one day and she could come home.” Niall’s heart ached at the confession. He’d kept the real reason why Carlie left a secret, wanting to wait until he was old enough to understand what had happened.

“It’s not that simple mate I-“

“But why not? Why can’t you fix things with her?”

“Because…” Niall was at a loss for words. Should he tell him? Should he lie? Should he tell him because he said so? He took a deep breath. “Mate y’have to understand there are circumstances to why she can’t come back. I do love your mum but she can’t come home.” He took another deep breath. “If you want the details I will tell you but it’s not something simple like a disagreement. And I don’t want to scare you.”

“I’m 13 da I can handle it.” Niall smiled softly and wrapped an arm around him.

“I know you can,” Niall pressed a soft protective kiss to the top of his head, mentally preparing himself. “You know that your mum and I were eighteen when you were born. We were so excited to bring you home and to have you in our little family. I finished Uni and worked while your mum took care of you at home. As you got older she’d leave you with nan so she could work too but when you were 3 her business shut down and she had no job.” Killian nodded softly as his father told the story. Niall paused to gauge his reactions before continuing.

“She was devastated and rightfully so, soon she was back to work with a new job but she was constantly on edge and a little more irritable. I thought it was the stress of the job and taking care of a wild three year old. I got a job at the firm and it allowed me to work half days at home, half at the office. I wanted to take some pressure off of her and for a few months it did, and then one day I came home from work and there were police cars out front. It turns out that her new job was selling illegal drugs.” He noticed Killian’s eyes go wide in shock. “She loved you so much but she made mistake and because of that she lost you. She had to serve a jail sentence and when she got out she wanted to see you, but I could tell she had gotten back into when I went to go meet her. After that I told her she wouldn’t get to see you again. Last I heard she’s serving another sentence.”

Killian sat silently, thinking about all the times he had imagined how happy they could be if she came home. He’d spent hours pouring over photos of their family and he had always wished to have that back.

“Did you mean it when you said I couldn’t see her?” he asked after a long pause.

“I meant it yes, that I would never choose for you to see her. But you’re close to being an adult, you can make your own choices now. And if you wanted to see her I can look into it.” Niall replied easily. He hated the idea of ever seeing Carlie again, but he had no right to stop his son from meeting her if it’s what he wanted.

“Okay… so you don’t love her anymore?”

“Mate I will always love her, but I can’t rely on her anymore or trust her.” Killian nodded. “So can I ask you again, is it weird if I date?”

His son shrugged but the sadness in his eyes told Niall his answer. “I guess it’s not weird.” But he knew better, he knew Killian only wanted him to be happy, he nodded with a soft smile.

“Come here,” he said softly as he held his arms open to hug him. “I love you, always will, and I’m always here for ya.”

“I know Da, I love you too.” Niall released him from the embrace and Killian made his way to his bedroom. Once he’d cleaned up the kitchen and stuff Niall started on dinner, reaching for his phone to put on some music. He smiled to himself when he saw a new text from Sophie.

I had such a great time today, what are the chances I get to see you again?

Niall sighed deeply. He knew he could try harder and be secretive about his dating, but that wouldn’t be fair to Killian.

I had an amazing time too, truly . I would love to see you again but things are really complicated right now with Killian I don’t think it’s a good time for me to be dating.

She was quick to reply, the two letters sending his heart into his stomach.

Sophie I’m so sorry, I hope you can understand I have to do what’s best for him

No I get it, maybe some other time then

I’d really like that ☺

Truthfully Sophie’s heart was in pieces. It had been years since she’d met someone she liked as much as Niall. Part of her feared the worst, that he didn’t have a good time and this was his way of not seeing her again. She didn’t think Niall was the type to do that, but then again she didn’t really know Niall.

Weeks went by before Niall saw her again. He went to the school to help plan the auction and a smile crossed his lips the minute he saw her. She stood by the window waiting for everyone to find a seat, smiling as a few others bid her hello. Niall immediately walked over to her.

“Hey…How are you?” he asked politely.

“I’m fine.” Her tone was cold and unfeeling, something Niall hadn’t expected.

“Look I’m really sorry Sophie, you have to understand I wish we could go out again-“

“We could Niall we very easily could but you’re making it complicated.”

“It is complicated, you don’t understand the situation.”

Sophie opened her mouth to reply but the meeting chair called for everyone’s attention. “Just forget it Niall, I’m not interested.” She stalked off to her seat and Niall stood in shock for a moment before grabbing a seat himself. He barely paid attention the whole time, not until he heard his name called.

“Niall are you in?” He looked up to see the co-chair of the auctions staring right at him.

“Uh yeah sure, whatever you need I’ll help,” he replied.

“Great, that puts us at 10 bachelors for the date auction,” she replied writing down his name on a clipboard. Niall swallowed hard not realizing what he’d just signed up for. He glanced a look across the room at Sophie. She couldn’t hide her smirk knowing he had no idea what he was saying yes to.

Niall continued to zone out for the rest of the meeting. A smaller committee had formed but because he was an “auction item” now – the chair’s words not his – he didn’t have to attend any further meetings, which he was happy about. As everyone stood to leave Niall pushed through to find Sophie. He wanted to clear things up but she had already slipped out the door. Niall sighed softly. He let himself out and made his way to the car to drive home.

The day of the auction came faster than he expected. He soon found himself slipping on his one nice jacket and a tie, spending a few extra minutes on his mop of hair trying desperately to calm the gentle curls it formed when he let it get this long. A few drops of gel and a comb usually helped. He told himself he wanted to look nice for the auction but he knew it was all for Sophie. He’d thought about what happened between them and he realized that she deserved to know the truth and why things were complicated.

He arrived at the auction a few minutes early, after dropping Killian at a friend’s house, hoping to pull Sophie aside. But when he got there she was on the top of a ladder reaching to grab a stray balloon that had floated away. He strode across the room to help her and talk to her, but the co-chair caught sight of him and scurried over.

“Niall I am so glad you’re here. There was a mix up with the form and I need you to fill out these new questions for your catwalk.” She shoved a paper and a pen at him, leading him behind the stage.

Niall reluctantly answered the questions, talking about all his favorite romantic moments. He wanted to tear the paper to shreds for reminding him that the one person he wanted wouldn’t speak to him. He turned in the paper and waited with the other bachelors like he was told. Some of them were teachers at the school, some were former students who’d moved on to uni but come back to help, and some were other parents just trying to raise money. He had a chat with a few of them, asking about their answers to the questions and if they had any one they knew would bet on them. He grew more and more anxious as the auction began. They had a few pints for the bachelors to sip on but Niall knew if he had one it would only make him more nervous. Niall wasn’t an arrogant guy but it wasn’t a secret that he was the most conventionally attractive of the group.

Soon they were lining up and the music blared in their ears as they got closer to the stage. A few of the other dads went before him and were getting bids of 50 or 60 pounds. One of the uni students went for 75, Niall didn’t want to think about how wrong that was. As he neared the edge of the stage one of the chairs came shuffling up to him. Holding out a guitar.

“You said you love music I thought you could play! The music teacher assured me that it was already tuned and everything!” She beamed as Niall awkwardly took the instrument. He thought the idea was ridiculous but guitar playing was something he knew and it would give him something to focus on while he was up there. When his turn came he strummed at the guitar, the music lowering so he could be heard and he tuned it slightly as he walked across the stage. The headmaster read off his form, advertising him as a handsome sinlge man with endless talent and charm. Niall held back a laugh as he started strumming a tune he’d written as a teenager. The women in the audience were eyeing him up and down so he changed up his tune and began to play something everyone would know.

“I found a love, for me. Darling just dive right in, follow my lead.” His voice floated over the crowd and soft gasps sounded in return. Niall scanned the room for Sophie, wondering if she was still there. He saw her at the back of the crowd, organizing a few of the silent auction items, but she’d stopped and was looking right at him.

Truthfully Sophie was doing everything she could to not throw up from the wave of affection that coursed through her body as Niall started singing. That song had been her favorite when she was younger. Not that he knew that, but it definitely made it harder to not like him. She wanted to forget him and to move on from this little crush she had, but his smooth and rich voice overwhelmed her, and she found herself wanting nothing more than to be wrapped in his embrace, to smell him, kiss him, love him. As he finished the song the bidding began. She could see a group of moms definitely old enough to be his mother getting ready to bid. She knew he would die of embarrassment if he had to spend an evening with any of them. The amount grew higher and higher, passing 100 pounds in a matter of minutes. The bids began to slow at 125, 15 pounds higher than what the gym coach went for, a she could see the primal desire in the highest bidder’s eyes and she threw up her hand on going twice.

“145.” Everyone turned to look at her. She wasn’t sure how it happened, but the headmaster yelled sold and everyone began clapping.

Niall couldn’t hide his smile as he saw Sophie’s hand go up. This was his chance to apologize. Once the auction finished the men were released out into the mis to introduce themselves to the women who bid for them. Niall made a beeline for Sophie who stood by the refreshment table. She had a glass of wine in her hand and what Niall didn’t know is that it was her third since she’d bid on him. She wanted to drink away those feelings that arose.

“Don’t worry about the date, you’re off the hook.” Her eyes moved slowly due to the alcohol and Niall swallowed.

‘Sophie you did nearly 150 quid on me, I’m gonna take you out,” he countered.

“Don’t want you to,” she replied as she took another sip. Niall steadied her had she sloshed the cup a little too much.

“Then why did you bid?”

“Cause Mrs. Wannabe-Cougar was gonna rip you to pieces if she won.” Niall smiled softly to himself. He could hear the slight hint of jealousy that carried in her voice but he didn’t acknowledge it.

“Well then let me thank you for saving me from my impending doom,” he chuckled. “And so I can apologize for what happened the last time we went out.”

“So you can just get up my hopes and bring them back down again?” She was being nasty and a part of her knew that but she’d had too much wine to stop herself. “I really liked you Niall and you just shut it down because it was too complicated for you. It’s not complicated, you like me or you don’t so just be honest.”

“I do like you, I like you so much Sophie. Please just let me have a chance to make it up to you, what are you doing next Saturday?”

“Chaperoning the school dance.”

“Great I’ll take you to dinner beforehand.”

“No.”

“Sophie please just one chance.”

She regretted all the wine she had. If she were sober she would have held fast, but here, looking at him and his charming smile, she couldn’t say no.

“Fine. But you have to meet me at the dance and chaperone with me. No dinner no flowers no nothing.”

“Great, I’ll see you there.” Niall wanted to stay and talk to her more, but he’d just won a small victory, he wasn’t going to risk it now. He stayed long enough to help clean up before he went home.

When he walked in the door he saw his mother sitting on the sofa.

“Is everything okay? Where’s Killian?” he asked looking down the hall immediately. She got up and put her hands on his arms to calm him.

“Shhh, he’s fine. One of the boys at the party got sick so they had everyone go home, he called me to come get him cause he knew you’d be having a good time tonight and I’d be sitting at home watching the telly,” she assured him. Niall breathed out a sigh of relief. “I swear Niall James you need to worry less. You’ll be going grey before you’re 35.”

“Like you didn’t worry about me and Greg,” he chuckled.

“Yeah well you lot were worth worrying about, that little boy is an angel.”

“I know… that’s why I worry, I don’t want anything to happen to him or for him to stop liking me.”

“Niall he’s a teenager there is going to come a time when he doesn’t like you.” She paused for a moment. “He said you went on a date.”

“It was sort of a date yeah.”

“Is she nice?”

“She’s brilliant mum, absolutely brilliant… but she’s one of his teachers, and I don’t think he’s ready for me to date yet.”

“Oh bollocks he’s a boy he thinks anyone dating is weird! You remember how you and Greg were when I started dating again.” He couldn’t argue with that

“That’s true I guess. I told him about Carlie….”

“He told me, he seems to be handling it well.” She smiled. “So when are you seeing this girl again.

“Saturday, but it’s not a date. She’s not happy with me for not asking her out again.” His mother let out a sigh already knowing how the situation must have arose.

“Niall stop letting Killian get in the way of your happiness. Being a parent doesn’t mean you give up your own life, it means you just have theirs to consider too. If you like this girl then you apologize to her and you make it bloody work.”

“But what about-“

“Nope, this is about you Niall. Not Carlie, not Killian, not anyone but you.” Niall hated when his mother was right. It amazed him how she could still make him feel like a kid in trouble even now at 32. He sighed and nodded.

“Alright... I’ll talk to her. Are y’gonna stay here tonight? I can sleep on the sofa.”

“No I’ve got to head home. I love you sweetheart, take care of you too okay?”

“I promise mum. I love you.” He hugged her goodbye before walking her to the front door. He sighed as he closed the door, leaning back against it. As his eyes closed his mind wandered to Sophie and how cute she looked when she was drunk. He stood up thinking about how drunk she was and quickly reached for his phone to text her.

Hey, I know you had a few tonight just wanted to check that you had a way home tonight

Thank you I did make it home .

Glad to hear . I’ll see you Saturday then .

He slid his phone away and made his way to his room. Within minutes he was asleep in his clothes but he truthfully didn’t care.

The following Saturday came too fast for Niall’s liking. But he dressed in his same jacket, different shirt, and headed out the door at 7:30. It took him a minute to find Sophie But once he caught sight of her navy dress he knew there would be no way he’d lose sight of her again that night. He walked over to her with a soft smile and he was surprised when she returned it.

“Hi,” he said softly.

“Hi,” she replied. “You look nice.”

“You look absolutely beautiful.” A soft flush rose to her cheeks. “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

“I can’t leave the room,” she replied softly. “But we can talk here.” Niall nodded and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Well I wanted to explain why-“

“Ms. Kemper I think some of the boys are making fun of Elizabeth,” a small girl stated, looking up at Sophie with big round eyes. Sophie nodded and turned to Niall.

“I’ll be right back.” She followed the girl across the dance floor to settle the issue. Niall didn’t mind, she was doing her job. But the pattern continued He’d get two sentences out and someone would interrupt. He was starting to get frustrated. He was grateful when more chaperones showed up so Sophie wasn’t the only one being turned to. He chuckled in annoyance when the DJ slowed the music to talk, interrupting him yet again.

“Alright you guys we’re going to slow things down with a throwback song. Lads pick a girl y’fancy and ask her to dance.”

Niall smirked and held out his hand. “Shall we?” Sophie blushed but she took his hand and walked with him to the edge of the dance floor.

“Maybe you’ll finally get to tell me what’s on your mind.”

Neither of them knew what to expect for the throwback, but it wasn’t Ariana Grande.

“Dear god is this what they’re calling a throwback?” she asked in shock. “I remember when this song came out that wasn’t that long ago!”

“Which one is this?” Niall asked trying to recall the title before the lyrics started.

“Tattooed Heart.”

“Oh that’s right! Bloody hell this song isn’t even fifteen years old yet how is it a throwback?”

“I have no idea,” Sophie laughed. “I bet you can’t hit the high notes.”

“Oh really? Cause I sing this song in the shower everyday.” Sophie laughed as he chuckled, her forehead coming to rest on his shoulder as they swayed. “No it doesn’t have to be forever just as long as I’m the name on your tattooed heart.” Niall scrunched his face as he tried to hit the high notes and Sophie laughed even more.

Silence fell over them after a moment and Sophie took a deep breath.

“So what have you been trying to tell me?” she asked after the pause.

“Right… well I’ve been beating around the bush… I just need to come out with it. Killian’s mum is the reason why things are complicated.” He saw the hurt flash across her face. “She’s not involved I promise, but she is a huge part of why I need to be careful with dating. When Killian was three she got into drugs, and when he was four she got arrested for dealing. I almost lost custody of Killian at first. Since then she’s been in and out of rehab facilities and prison. And before this year I never told Killian, I didn’t want him thinking of his mum horribly you know?” Sophie nodded, her expression full of compassion. “But because of that he always thought there was a chance of us getting back together. So me starting to date was rough for him and I talked to him and I was worried he wasn’t ready so that’s why I told you things were complicated.”

“Niall I’m so sorry for being cold to you, I should have trusted your judgment-“

“No Soph, this is on me, I should have given you a better explanation and I also shouldn’t have just pushed you away. I forget sometimes that I’m allowed to do things for me, they don’t all have to be centered around Killian.”

“We can take things as slow as you need to. I want Killian to be comfortable too.”

“I hope you know I really do like you Soph.”

“I like it when you call me that,” she smiled. The music slowed but they didn’t stop dancing. Niall’s head dipped down slightly just as hers tipped up. He Felt anxiety bubble inside him, he hadn’t kissed a woman in 8 years but everything about this felt right. His lips gently pressed against hers as the music came to a stop, their swaying doing the same. He knew it would be a long road dating Sophie but he knew it would all be for the best.

#1dff #cliche challenge #niall

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writingfortoomanyfandoms · 5 years

Text

Five Ways of Saying I Love You

Pairing: Ben Hardy!Roger Taylor x Reader

Summary: Five ways that Roger shows her he loves her

Requested: No

Warnings: Swearing

A/N: Sorry it’s been a few days since I’ve posted anything - please let me know what you think of it! I love hearing what all of you have to say about my writing! And remember that I reply with my main blog @ijustreallylovezebras, I hope you all had wonderful days xx

Roger wasn’t good with telling Y/N he loved her. She knew he did, and she knew that she loved him too - he was well aware of it as well, she was constantly reminding him. Roger just wasn’t good at saying it.

He could show it though, he was really good at showing it.

“I’m going to really miss you,” Y/N sighed, resting her head on his bare chest, tracing careful shapes onto his pale skin. Roger twined his fingers through her hair, gently tugging the knots out of it.

“I’m going to miss you too, Princess,” he murmured, lacing his free hand with her small one - the one that wasn’t resting on his chest. Y/N gave their hands a squeeze before placing a gentle kiss to his hand. “You could still come with me, the boys wouldn’t mind - they’d love it to be honest,” Roger said and Y/N moved her head to give him a sad smile.

“I can’t do that, Rog,”

“I know, it’s a nice thought though,” Roger sighed, squeezing her hand again.

“What time are you leaving, again?” She asked, cuddling closer into his chest.

“Six in the morning,” Roger groaned. “I’ll leave you asleep, Princess,”

“Don’t! I want to say goodbye to you,” Y/N whined, kissing his bare skin and Roger shivered at the action, a soft smile forming on his face again.

“Six is really early, Darling,” he pointed out but Y/N shook her head.

“It’s worth it for you,” she declared and Roger chuckled.

“You’re so cute,”

“I love you,” Roger hugged her a little tighter and he felt her smile against his chest.

The next morning, Roger woke at five, carefully sliding out from under his girlfriend, who was asleep on his chest. He brushed some hair from her face, smiling down at her, feeling himself falling further in love with her. He changed quickly, running a brush through his hair.

“Princess?” Roger whispered, gently shaking her shoulder. Y/N let out a quiet moan as she blinked her eyes open. A wide smile took over her face upon seeing Roger and she reached up to rub her eyes but Roger caught her hands in his. “Don’t wake up properly, Y/N/N, I’m leaving now okay? Go back to sleep and I’ll see you in six weeks,” he said, keeping his voice low and quiet before leaning to press a kiss against her forehead. Then he straightened up, turning to leave the room.

“Wait - Rog!” Y/N called, swinging her legs out of bed and running to him, jumping up to hug him from behind.

“Princess,” Roger laughed, turning around and hugging her back tightly. “I’ll miss you,” he said and Y/N looked up, eyes cloudy, and pressed her lips firmly against his.

“I’ll miss you too,” she whispered. Roger gave her a gentle smile, kissing her once more.

“Get some rest, Princess,”

“Rock the world, Rog,”

“Just for you, Y/N/N,” he murmured and then picked her up, placing her back under the covers and kissing her forehead. “Have a good day at work,”

“I love you,” she called quietly as he left the room. Roger turned only to blow her another kiss, the words drying up in his mouth.

When Y/N woke later that morning, a sadness weighed on her chest upon remembering the absence of Roger’s presence. She sighed and pushed herself out of bed, wrapping herself up in one of his jumpers that he had left behind. She trudged into the kitchen, and stopped, her brows furrowing at the appearance of a box on the table with her name scrawled across the top in Roger’s messy handwriting.

She opened it and her eyes welled up with tears at the image of dozens of envelopes each addressed to her.

Even though he didn’t say it very much, Y/N could tell that Roger loved her.

Since going on tour two weeks ago, Roger had called Y/N up every night without fail to talk to her and ask about her day, make sure she was okay and happy and not missing him too much. The last question always made her laugh, because of course she was missing him an extraordinarily large amount. But tonight Roger had warned her that he probably wouldn’t be able to call, as the boys were all going to a party that started straight after the concert, the time that Roger usually reserved for talking to the love of his life.

Which was why Y/N was confused as to why the phone was ringing.

“Rog? Aren’t you at a party?” Y/N asked as she furrowed her brows and tugged her hand through her messy hair.

“Yeah - I just missed you too much,” she could tell from the slight slur of his voice that he was drunk.

“I miss you too, Rog,”

“I felt bad for not calling you tonight,” he explained, sounding disappointed in himself. Y/N gave a quiet laugh, shaking her head.

“You have a busy life, Darling, you don’t need to worry about it,” she assured him and Roger whined a little.

“You’re too good for me,” he declared. Y/N laughed, shaking her head despite knowing that Roger wouldn’t be able to see her.

“That’s the opposite of true,”

“You’re perfect,”

“You’re so cute,” she told him. “But you should definitely go enjoy your party,”

“I have more fun talking to you than I have at any party,” Roger informed her seriously and Y/N giggled at his words.

“If you don’t go to the party then you know Freddie will give both of us a hard time about it,” Y/N pointed out. Roger groaned.

“I just miss you so so so so so much,”

“I miss you lots too,” Y/N’s voice was quiet and Roger easily picked up on her sad tone.

“Don’t be sad!” He demanded. “I’ll be back before you know it,”

“I love you,” Roger smiled, as he always did when Y/N told him that.

“I don’t want to hang up,” Roger pouted and Y/N chuckled. Roger could almost see her shaking her head at him.

“Go and have fun, Rog, I don’t want to hold you back,”

“You never hold me back! I like talking to you!” He protested. Y/N covered her mouth to contain her joyful giggle.

“You’re very drunk, Rog,”

“Calling you was all I could think about,” he admitted quietly in response. Silence settled over the phone as his words sunk in. Y/N bit her lip to stop her smile from stretching too wide. “You’re all I think about,”

Y/N grinned as her took the box from the postman, nodding her thanks to him.

“Have a nice day,” she called after him as he set off back down her driveway. He paused to wave back at her but Y/N had already turned around, eager to open the package.

She had somewhat anticipated it’s arrival - Roger had been dropping hints for the past week, ever since he called her drunk only two weeks into the tour to tell her how much he missed her.

So she had expected something. A letter or a postcard. While Roger had provided her with a shoebox full of letters at the beginning of his tour, he always sent her either a post card or a letter when the boys neared their halfway point. He always admitted to her that he found his written word easier to express his feelings with.

Y/N rumaged through her kitchen draws and picked out a knife, slicing open the box with ease and folding the flaps over, being greeted immediately by the expected postcard.

She turned it over in excitement.

Hey Princess,

For some reason this tour I’m missing you now more than ever - from our conversations it seems as though you’re feeling the same. So I’ve been buying shit along the way that I thought would either cheer you up or make you think of me or laugh or something. Don’t want my girl missing me too much.

Always yours,

Rog

As always, he had signed off the note with a smily face and three kisses. Y/N beamed at the message, feeling her eyes brim with tears at the thoughtfulness of her boyfriend.

Inside the box lay a teddybear with a cheesy ‘I love you!” shirt on, a pair of drumsticks, one of which had been broken (this was accompanied by another note explaining how Roger had broken them in a show when he was missing her particularly much, a story that, while cute, Y/N didn’t believe for a second as she knew it was the pair that John had told her Roger through at Brian’s head during an argument), there was three of his button up shirts, a box of chocolates and two books that Y/N had been wanting to read for a while but had never gotten around to purchasing.

She stepped away from the box, holding the bear in her hands and hugged it tightly to her chest, letting out soft sobs as she felt the full weight of Roger’s love for her.

Since Roger had returned from tour a week and a half ago, everything had been perfect. Almost perfect. Y/N had been feeling as though she had hardly seen her boyfriend, he was always practicing with the band and, while she understood that the band was important, one of the most important things in Roger’s life, she had missed him.

After expressing these feelings to Roger the previous evening, he had invited his girlfriend to join the band at practice the following day, once Y/N had finished her shift at work. He had been feeling much the same as she had, if he was being honest. While he understood Freddie’s keenness to write the next album so they could start recording ASAP, he wanted nothing more than to spend a little while with Y/N in the comfort of their home.

She was his priority.

“Y/N!” John was the first to notice her presence as she awkwardly moved into the room. John and Y/N had always been close - the two more soft-spoken members of their band-family had gravitated towards each other in a way that Roger had only hoped they would.

Roger raised his eyebrows as the bassist was quick to cross the room and embrace his girlfriend in a hug.

“Rog said you were coming today!” John beamed. Said drummer stood from behind his kit and joined the two. Freddie gave a dramatic sigh before giving in and joining the group, seeing Brian placing down his guitar as well.

Roger was quick to place his arm around her waist and kiss her cheek. an action that she grinned at, leaning further into his loving touch.

“She’s my priority,” Roger pointed out to John.

“What about the band?” Freddie asked with a raised eyebrow, quickly hugging Y/N in greeting.

“The band’s my other priority, obviously. I play better with her here anyway,” Roger declared, winking at his girlfriend, who shoved his shoulder playfully, the action making him laugh.

“I’m already in love with you, Rog, you don’t need to flirt to bad anymore,” Y/N teased and Roger chuckled, kissing her lips.

“Has he even told you he loves you back?” John asked Y/N later, when Roger and Brian had both returned to their instruments, trying to fit the song together. Freddie was sat in the corner, listening to them with his eyes closed, calculating their next move in the song, as he often did.

“Yeah he has,” Y/N assures her friend quickly.

“He didn’t say it earlier, that’s all,” Y/N smiled at John, shaking her head a little.

“Rog doesn’t like saying it so much - but I know it anyway, he makes sure of it,”

“How’d you mean?”

“It’s the little things, Deaky, like inviting me here today, just so we could spend more time together, or like yesterday when he came home even just an hour earlier to help me cook because he knew I’d been feeling down,”

“That’s sweet,” Y/N’s eyes wandered over to Roger, as they always did. Her blond haired drummer caught her eye and offered her a playful wink, causing the smile to widen on her face.

“I’m just lucky I guess,”

Roger grinned when he entered his house to be greeted by the smell of a home cooked meal.

“Princess?” He called, slipping his shoes off of his feet. “I’m home!”

“I’m in the kitchen,” Roger followed the sound of her voice, smiling even wider as he saw her, wrapping his arms around her from behind and bringing her into a tight hug, feeling her relaxing back into his arms.

“It smells good,” he commented, spinning her around and kissing her. Y/N wound her arms around his neck, smiling up at him before leaning up on her tiptoes again to press another kiss to his lips.

“Thanks, how are the boys? Practice?” Her voice was quiet, content and the soft tones of it helped to relax Roger.

“Stressful - Freddie’s being a dick, he was late again, and then shit all over our ideas,”

“You didn’t fight him did you?”

“No,” Roger paused, mulling over his thoughts. “I don’t think it’s his fault anyway,”

“Paul?” Y/N asked and Roger nodded, leaning down to kiss her again.

“He’s changing Freddie,” the drummer sighed and Y/N gave a sad nod.

“Bring him back, Rog, I know you can,”

“I’m so glad I have you in my life,” Roger commented as he watched Y/N draw away from him, plating up dinner. She looked at him over her shoulder, smiling wide.

“You’re such a dork, how could anyone mistake you for a rock king,” she teased. Roger let out a laugh, shaking his head.

“I am a rock legend,” Roger was quick to disagree.

“Who likes to have his hair plaited,” Y/N was laughing as she placed the plates on the table. Roger squeezed her sides as he walked past her and she squealed away from him, glaring at her boyfriend who just gave her a cheeky grin in reply.

“I’m only a sap for you,”

“That’s... reassuring?” She questioned, cocking an eyebrow. Roger beamed and nodded.

“I love you,” he says suddenly. Y/N’s head snapped up. “I know I don’t say it much but I do,”

“I know you do, Rog,” she said, reaching over the table and grabbing his hand. “And I love you too, you don’t need to say it if you don’t want to,”

“It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that sometimes the words don’t seem enough and... you can fake words,” he said. Y/N squeezed his hand tightly, never wanting to let him go.

“I know, Rog. But it’s okay, I understand,”

“You’re my favourite person on Earth,”

“You’re mine as well,”

#queen #roger taylor #roger taylor fic #roger taylor fanfic #roger taylor fanfiction #roger taylor imagine #roger taylor imagines #roger taylor x reader #ben hardy!roger taylor #ben hardy! roger taylor

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strawberryspeachy · 5 years

Text

I have so many time periods in my life that were fucking miserable (my whole life so lol) but most of them im like

Man. I wish i could go back with the knowledge i have now and change shit

But my senior year of college still takes the cake. I would not repeat that fucking year given the chance. I legit for real am npt exaggerating at all when i say I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I GRADUATED. What strength i had. How did i do it??

I lost all of my friends. I lived with girls who made me feel worse about myself. My classes were super difficult and busy. My mom had finally admitted to me that she knew she was forgetting things.

I BECAME bulimic. That wasnt something i did before that year. Bulimic to the point where if i ate more than one peice or bread i felt guilty. Sometimes i coild rationalize to myself that i ate a healthy and appropriate meal but after 20 minutes id start panicking. That i HAD TO go throw it up. I HAD TO. if i didnt id regret it so i hadddd toooo

I didnt eat some days

And it went beyond the point of. All i have is my skinny body. It went to i hate myself and my life and i deserve to suffer. I dont deserve food. If i keep doing this maybe my body will fuck up enough that i die.

And speaking of death. It was the first time i fully tried to kill myself. I played with the idea before. Id do risky things on the off chance that id die doing it. Sometimes risky enough that i was surprised i even did it and got really scared afterwards thinking about ever doing them again. But id never made a plan. Got materials. And tried and fell asleep thinking id really never wake up. And i did it a couple times. And honestly i think i killed a part of me that year.

I cried all the time. I was just a zombie with a painted smile on my face so i could get help in class from other people. But i never actually smiled. And the second i walked in my room id start crying. All that bottled up energy released. And there was too much.

I used to fall out of my chair cause i was crying so much and id just roll around on the floor and then yell at myself to get my ass back in the chair and to keep studying. And i did. And id keep crying. And i kept studying.

And i took adderal several times a week. It wasnt even working. But it had a crack effect on me and would make me really happy and optimistic for no reason

I dont remember ever feeling confident in my studys. I walked into every exam terrifyed.

I was scared the entire year that i was gonna fail.

I was so out of it that i didnt even notice the stress permanently altered my apperance. Eveyone said i grew up. No the stress aged me. I didnt notice my hair fell out or how my chin seemed to grow. Or how my skin greyed

Theres no way to make thay year better. That was an awful year.

I have no point in this.

Just like that year and the two following it... which... issss 2014-2015-2016 to 2017

Like id completed three years of college. I had to graduate. I couldnt get out of that with a clear mind. And then coming home. None of my friends lived at home. I couldnt find a job. I took what i could get. I couldnt leave home. I had to stay for my mom. I had to and i wanted to.

Im thinking about it cause i could have immediately came to japan out of college. And i knew it then. I chose not to. I wanted to go home and be with my mom. And my family made that a nightmare. And watching her and taking care of her while she went downhill... i dont think ill be able to face those feelings... for many years to come. (I mean hopefilly not if i died while writing this id be happy) but theres really no getting around the fact that having completed my finance degree in college. My only choice was to end up as a server

My 13 year old dog died. My 18 year old cat died. My mom was shitting all over the house and refusing to sleep or eat. The woman who i hated so much that i went to work early and smiled while offering to stay later because “at least im not at home” finally died.

One day she told me she was gonna kick me out of the house (for the zillionth time) she screamed and yelled at me. And i went to work. And i came home and she was standing outside of the front door. I thought about continuing to drive and coming back later when shed moved. But for whatever reason i stopped and got out still hoping shed be gone by the time i walked up. She wasnt. She didnt even notice i was there. I was tempted to walk past her and go in. But i didnt. I asked her what was wrong. She said she could take the step to the sidewalk. And i helped her. And she rambled to me about how she thought shed be stuck there all night and how she didnt know what was wrong. The last time i saw her she had been screaming at me about how im a worthless spoiled lazy rude mean old adult acting like a baby. So. I really didnt have much sympathy to give her. I couldnt even talk. I was still mad. She thanked me. I said she was welcome. Thats all i remember. That was about 3 months before she died. If i went back to that exact moment knowing that information. I honestly dont think id change anything... she was.... so mean... so needlessly mean... im still mad about every time i was mad at her

Unlike my mom. Who i dreamed about this week. I had a dream that i was home just living my regular life in high school. And i did something. And my mom was yelling at me. And we got into an argument. Just one of those nonsense arguments that dont mean much. And in my dream i was like ugh my moms so annoying. And i woke up. And i miss her so much. What i wouldnt do to listen to my mom yell at me about something like taking too long to get ready. Or putting something in the wrong place. Or forgetting to do some chore she asked me to do. My mom with her fully functioning brain yelling at me because ive inconvenienced some plan that she has made for hersef that day. Thats shes fully capable of doing herself. And will do no matter what anyone says cause you dont mess with her schedule - you work with it.

I actually woke up and smiled. When you grow up do you ever think youll think about your parent full blown going off on you about something kinda dumb would ever make you smile...

Anyhow... that boy at work i like. I tried to be cute. He said he texts his friends back when he wants to when i pestered him about having not responded to my mesage. I was like

Oh thats the second time youve called me your friend! :) were friends :D

I just wanted a chuckle and for him to say yea yea were friends

But instead.... he said no. Were coworkers.

And i said you can be friends with your coworkers

Which led to a super long.... turned into argument...

Where he told me no. He doesnt need more friends. He only talks to me because he has to. He doesnt like me. He doesnt want to talk to me. He doesnt like when he has to talk to me. He has plenty of time to hang out with friends but not me cause im not his friend and he does not want to hang out with me. Dont ask him questions. Dont talk to him for more than a minute. He only said yes to hanging out with me because i was new to the country. His girlfriend didnt want him to and he decided he didnt want to after thinking about it. He wont change his mind. And he got really mad while telling me that his dumbass gf gets mad when i text him. And that he doesnt wanna talk to me out of work and at work only about work nothing else.

Most of that was unprovoked information. Like.. a quarter of it came from my “so were friends?” Remark. Another quarter of it came from my “coworkers can become friends” remark. And given half of it.... i brought up that he liked talking to me enough that he said he wanted to hang out with me - so you fan guess what quarter of the information came from that... oh sorry did i say quarters. I guess i meant thirds.

Extra shitty cause its a big jump from the boy who was engaging in actual conversation with me yesterday and moved so close to me that he was cms away from resting his head on me shoulder. Many times. Actually over the past couple days.

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whitehorsetiger · 5 years

Text

To Return Home

The reef-mer and the shark-mer had been at war for years, so long no one was really sure why they were even fighting anymore. The two different kingdoms avoided each other, neither of them really wanting to get into any scuffles. Eventually they decided to end the animosity between them, the youngest prince of the sharks was to marry the prince of the reef. That was until…the night before the wedding, the prince of the reef vanished.

****

Prince Lance, youngest child of the king and queen of the sharks was exploring the open ocean around sunset. It had been almost a year since his ill-fated engagement to the prince of the reef mer and Lance, was not all that bothered about it. Sure, he was sad for the queen, who had lost her only child, but Lance had never met the other prince, so he wasn’t that torn up over the loss of his would-be husband.

A ship had passed through this area recently, in fact it was very close by. Twitching his tail lightly, Lance shrugged to himself. He had nothing better to do today, might as well see what the humans were up to. There wasn’t anyone else around, not for miles. Lance had been travelling between two different provinces, hoping to catch one of the other shark pods on their migration paths. Unfortunately, he’d missed them so was heading back to where he was supposed to meet his family. He had time.

Lance streaked through the water easily, very quickly catching up with the ship. Lance bobbed to the surface for a second, spotting the ship not too far away. It was a huge sailing vessel and Lance’s jaw dropped. Lance didn’t really go actively look for human vessels, he didn’t really have that much interest in them. Didn’t stop him taking a look when they were there, or if he found a sunken ship having a poke around. But that had to be one of the biggest ships he’d ever seen in his life.

Diving back underwater, Lance followed the ship with lazy flicks of his tail. That was until he saw, something, in the water. Lance froze, watching the mass of…something in the water. Then that something moved and Lance darted over. It was a person, a person slowly sinking towards the sea floor. They weren’t moving, head tilted back with a few small bubbles escaping through their nose. Lance grabbed them and hauled them up to the surface.

Lance thrashed his tail powerfully to keep the two of them above the water, holding the human close and hoping he wasn’t dead. A cough and water flowed out of the human’s mouth, before he took a deep, shuddering breath. He was still unconscious, but at least he was alive.

“How did you even manage to fall off the boat?” Lance said, assuming that’s what happened, “Lucky I was in the area.”

He could haul this human back to the boat, it wasn’t too far away. But, Lance had no idea if he would be able to get the two of them up on deck. Land would be easier, it wasn’t too far away and there was a human settlement by the beach so this human could get the help he needed. With this plan in mind, Lance floated onto his back, settling Keith on his chest and beginning to pull him along. No problem.

****

It was dark by the time they reached shore, which Lance was grateful for. He did not really want to be bothered by humans, especially with what he was about to do. Mer were elegant, beautiful and graceful creatures. All that immediately went away when they tried to go on land. Lance flopped inelegantly onto the sand, hauling himself and the human out of the water. Luckily it was high tide, so Lance didn’t need to pull him up that far to get to relative safety.

Lance panted harshly as he dropped the human on the beach, unused to having to use his lungs for so long. After a few seconds, Lance turned back to the human. Lance could see his chest rising and falling with breaths, resting his head on the man’s chest, Lance breathed out a sigh of relief as he heard his heart thundering away in his chest. The human wasn’t going to die, well…not immediately.

Shuffling over to the human, Lance peered at him. He didn’t look at humans that much, or this closely. It was dark, but the light of the moon was more than enough for Lance. Very gently, he pushed the human’s dark hair away from his face. Lance hummed lightly, running his finger over smooth, pale skin.

“You know,” he said, “You’re kind of pretty, for a human.”

Lance tilted his head back and gave a loud cry, hoping someone would hear him and come looking. He didn’t really just want to leave this human alone on the beach.

“You know, you are really lucky,” Lance said, “I’m being far to nice to you.”

He swished his tail in the sand lightly, resting his hand on the human’s chest.

“Well, you’re still breathing,” he said , “If someone finds you while we’re soon young, you’ll be just fine.”

It took a little while for anyone to respond to Lance’s cries, the whole time he kept talking to the unconscious human. There wasn’t any need to, but Lance was just going to keep talking.

“I think it came from over here!” Voices shouted suddenly.

Lance smiled, spotting the light the humans were carrying as they made their way onto the beach.

“Well, this is where I leave you,” Lance smiled, “Don’t go falling off of anymore boats again, you might not be so lucky next time.”

Giving the human’s cheek one last poke for good measure, Lance hauled himself back into the water. He swam far enough away that the human’s lights wouldn’t reveal him, but Lance could still keep an eye on what was happening.

The humans rushed down the beach, obviously spotting the person laying there. The two of them immediately started attending to him, they talked in hushed voices, discussing how they were going to move the human. Lance smiled, seemed he was in good hands.

****

It was a couple of weeks before Lance returned to the land where he’d dropped off the human. He hadn’t gone with the intention of looking for the human, he’d gone because it was right besides reef-mer territory and he was going to discuss the new terms of the treaty. So, during a break from peace talks, Lance decided to head towards the land. He doubted he would see the human he saved, but there were some reef sharks that liked to hang around that area.

Lance slipped under the docks, wove between the ships. It was busy, but the humans were too preoccupied with whatever they were doing to notice him. There was a large building up on a cliff not that far away, people seemed to like dropping thigs off this cliff and Lance liked picking them up. He liked shiny things, thought they were pretty, and humans seemed to be obsessed with them.

Lance picked through the silt at the bottom of the cliff, flicking his tail to stir up the sand. He didn’t see anything shining, which was a bit disappointing but, he was almost instantly distracted by a loud splash.

Lance’s head snapped up and he spotted someone thrashing in the water…and what was it with humans and trying to down lately. This human could blatantly not swim, struggling to keep their head above the water. Lucky Lance was here, lucky they hadn’t been impaled on the rocks or hit the cliff during their fall. Darting forwards, Lance wrapped his arms around the human’s waist, dodging the thrashing limbs as best he could. With a powerful flick of his tail, he pulled the two of them to the surface.

The human gripped Lance’s shoulders, taking several deep breaths and Lance was struck with a sudden realisation.

“What the hell?” Lance snapped, “I save you when you fall off the boat and then you fall off a cliff? I think you should just avoid water from now on.”

The human was still conscious this time, so Lance got a good look at dark blue/purple eyes glowering at him. The human did not seem all that happy, but he’d gone pretty much limp in Lance’s arms, only his hands gripping tightly to Lance’s shoulder. He didn’t seem to have anything to say, so with a shrug, Lance pulled him around to the beach.

The human walked out of the water, before turning around to look at Lance. He was still glaring lightly, but his eyes widened when he saw the long shark-tail extending behind Lance. It wasn’t like humans didn’t know mer existed, its just most won’t have any interaction with them, or have any they are aware of. Lance swished his tail lightly, churning up the water.

“Look, just don’t count on me being there to save you next time,” Lance said, “Just stay away from water for a bit, you’re not having much luck.”

Turning around, Lance dragged himself back into the water. The human was still there, standing on the beach as Lance swam away.

****

A few days past and Lance found himself back at the beach where he’d dropped off the human. What could he say? He was curious. What he wasn’t expecting was for the human to be there, sat on the beach, staring out into the water. Lance frowned lightly, what was the human doing? He could just leave, there was no obligation for him to speak to this human. But Lance was nothing if not curious, so he steadily swam closer.

“I thought I told you to stay away from the water,” Lance said, surfacing a short distance away from where the human was.

The human’s head snapped up, immediately finding Lance’s head in the water. He stood up, making his way towards the waterline. Flicking his tail, Lance essentially beached himself so the human didn’t have to go any further than necessary.

“What are you even doing out here? Don’t you have somewhere else to be?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head, before pointing to Lance.

“You were looking for me?” Lance asked.

The human shrugged, tilting his head from side to side.

Lance frowned, propping his chin up on his hand.

“What were you even doing on that boat? And on the edge of that cliff?” he asked.

The human looked at him, blinking lightly, before tapping his throat.

“You can’t speak?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head.

“Huh,” Lance replied, “Interesting.”

****

Lance’s curiosity over the human only grew, the fact he couldn’t talk and answer all of Lance’s burning questions only fuelled the fire. As did the fact he didn’t seem all that bothered about the fact Lance was a mer. Lance just chattered away to him as the human sat beside him in silence, he seemed to be enjoying their time together, so Lance just kept going back.

One morning Lance headed towards the beach and his human wasn’t there. He halted almost immediately, ducking behind one of the rocks sticking out of the water. Peering around, Lance watched as the two of them walked along the beach, holding hands. As he watched, they lent in for a kiss. It was cute. He then spotted his human heading down the beach, who seemed to freeze at the sight of the other two humans. They noticed him and made their way up to talk to him. Lance’s human didn’t really seem all that happy around them, clearly very stiff and uncomfortable. Lance felt himself tensing, anger rising. Eventually, the two of them left and his human came further down the beach.

Lance bobbed closer, sliding up onto the beach and stretching out on his front.

“So, who were they?” he asked, smiling lightly.

His human curled his arms around himself, squeezing slightly before shrugging and gesturing to the big building on top of the cliff.

“They live up there?” Lance replied, his human nodded, “Ah, how do you know them?”

His human blinked, before his eyebrow twitched and he frowned.

“I’m going to have to work it out myself then,” Lance said, “Will you tell me if I get it right?”

His human let out a long breath, before shrugging.

Lance hummed, “Childhood friends?”

Head shake.

“Parents are old friends?”

Head shake.

“Met randomly in the woods?”

Another head shake.

“You stumbled into the big house by accident?”

An eyeroll accompanied the head shake.

“Well you’re not giving me much to go off of!” Lance said.

He got a smile from that one.

****

“Where have you been going!” Pidge said suddenly, making Lance jump.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lance shrugged.

He sighed, stretching out more on the rock he was sunbathing on.

“You’ve been vanishing, not being around, not hanging out with us,” Pidge said, listing off on her fingers.

“Nothing unusual,” Lance said, “I’m a busy guy.”

“You’re literally doing nothing,” Pidge said, gesturing around.

“I’m taking a break from my busy life,” Lance replied.

“We’re just worried about you dude,” Hunk added, propping his head up in his hand.

“Nothing,” Lance shrugged, “Don’t worry, I’m just around.”

He could feel the look Pidge and Hunk shot each other, Lance sighed.

“Look, I’m just hanging around the cliffs,” Lance said, “People toss stuff down there all the time, I like to see if I can find pretty things.”

Pidge made a suspicious humming noise, before poking Lance in the cheek.

“You’re just acting odd,” she said.

“Odd?” Lance asked, flipping over onto his front, “How so?”

“You’re acting like…like…” Pidge’s eyes widened, “Oh! Who are they?”

“Who is who?” Lance asked.

Hunk made an excited noise, slapping his hand on the rock.

“You have a thing for someone.”

Lance felt his heart just about drop into his stomach.

“No I don’t!” Lance protested, voice far, far too high pitched to be believable.

“Oh my god,” Pidge said slapping her forehead, “Why didn’t I see it sooner, you have a thing for someone.”

“No I…” Lance protested weakly, before burring his face in his hands.

Oh no, no…no…no! This could not be happening. His human was...well human! Lance could not have a thing for him, he didn’t even know his human’s name.

“Awh!” Hunk chirruped, “So who are they?”

Lance kept his head buried in his hands, letting out several harsh breaths.

“Lance?” Hunk asked, “Lance are you ok?” Lance shook his head, curling his hands into fists. The sound of splashing and Lance was suddenly squished between his two friends.

“Hey,” Pidge said, “What’s wrong?”

Lance let out a huff of breath, “Nothing, it doesn’t matter.”

“Oh come on,” Pidge said, “Don’t make me say it.”

“You’re going to have to say it,” Hunk replied.

“Please I don’t want to,” she said.

“Just say it,” Hunk said.

“Fine,” Pidge sighed, “We care about you and want to know what is bothering you ok?”

Lance looked up, glancing between them before flicking his tail lightly.

“I can’t like him,” Lance said.

“Is he a selkie?” Hunk asked, “You know your parents would be fine with that.”

“Worse,” Lance said.

“Not a trench mer,” Hunk said, “You can’t survive that deep and they don’t like light!”

“He’s human,” Lance replied.

There was a pause, then a blink.

“You have got to be kidding me,” Pidge said.

“I wish I was,” Lance said, collapsing back on the rock.

“So, how?” Hunk asked, “It’s not everyday you get to talk to a human.”

“He fell off a boat into the water, then fell off a cliff into the water,” Lance said, “I saved him twice and we just started talking, well, I did, he can’t talk.”

“Oh,” Pidge said, “He can’t talk? Sounds perfect for you.”

“Shut up,” Lance said, “He’s nice, sweet. I don’t really know anything about his past though. Not that he could tell me even if he wanted to.”

“So what are you thinking?” Hunk said.

Lance shrugged, “Get over it, what else am I supposed to do. Humans and mer can’t be a thing, there’s no way.”

“You could ask Shiro,” Hunk said.

“What and leave the ocean? Leave my family?” Lance said, “No thanks.”

“Maybe there’s another way?” Pidge asked, “Don’t know until you ask.”

Lance shrugged, “I’ll think about it.”

****

Lance went to the docks late one night, scouring for coins people had dropped between the wood. Bobbing to the surface, Lance moved to tug at the mussels attached to the wood. They were Rachel’s favourite and it always paid to stay on her good side. That, was when he heard the sniffling.

Lance floated forwards slightly, eyes scanning the area to see if he could spot whoever was crying. It was really late at night, so who the hell was out at this time? Lance froze when he spotted the figure sitting on the dock, head buried in his hands. That was Lance’s human.

Flicking his tail, Lance launched himself onto the dock. His human jumped, staring at Lance, probably not expecting what just happened.

“What’s wrong?” Lance asked, resting his hand on the human’s arm.

He jerked away, glaring at Lance lightly with red eyes.

“I look for coins and things here,” Lance explained, “Also the mussels attached to the posts are pretty good.”

The human let out a long breath, looking down at his hands.

“So, what’s wrong?” Lance asked, tilting his head to one side.

The human glared at him for a moment, before letting out a long breath. For a moment, Lance honestly thought he was going to get up and leave. Lance blabbered for ages about his life, his family, everything really. His human seemed unwilling to share anything and not just because he couldn’t talk. This time though, there was a long sigh, before the gesturing started.

He tapped his chest lightly.

“You?” Lance said.

A nod, gesture of walking fingers.

“Walk?”

Shake

“Go?”

Head tilt.

“Leave?”

Nod, pointing to the building on the hill.

“That building?”

Shake.

“Building?”

Shake.

“House?”

Head tilt.

“Home?”

Nod.

“So, you left home?” Lance asked.

His human nodded, before resting a hand over his chest.

“What?”

A frustrated frown, before he thumped his chest.

“Chest?” Lance asked.

An eyeroll, his human lifted up Lance’s hand, miming placing a kiss on it.

“Kiss?”

A glower.

“Love?”

A nod.

“You left home because you love someone?” Lance asked.

His human gestured idly.

“I have no idea what you’re saying,” Lance said.

He got an eyeroll for that. But Lance had a sinking feeling in his chest, his human was sobbing, on his own, in the dark.

“They don’t love you back?” Lance asked.

A nod.

“Why don’t you go back home?”

A headshake.

“You can’t?”

Another nod.

“I’m sorry.”

A shrug.

There was a long beat of silence.

“So there’s no chance?” Lance asked.

The human shook his head. He gestured to his neck, then his left hand. Lance was confused for a few moments, then he realised what was being mimed.

“Marriage?” he asked, a nod.

“They married someone else?” Lance asked.

Another nod.

“Well…that sucks,” Lance said.

He got a weak smile for that.

“I was supposed to get married you know,” Lance said, leaning back.

He got a curious look.

“To a prince of the next kingdom over, he vanished before we could though.”

Wide-eyed his human stared at him.

“I didn’t tell you I was a prince did I?”

A headshake.

“Probably should have mentioned that.”

A nod.

****

I’ll think about it turned into Lance braving the dark waters to find himself in Shiro’s cave. Ok, braving was a stretch, the only thing scary about Shiro’s cave was it was dark and kind of…spiky. There were also sharks that patrolled around the area, but they didn’t bother Lance.

Running his hand down the side of one of them, Lance smiled.

“Hey buddy,” Lance said with a smile, “You doing a good job huh.”

The shark flicked past him, and Lance continued forwards.

“Hello? Shiro?” Lance called into the cave, slipping between the spiky rocks, “Are you there?”

“Who’s there?” a voice called from deeper in the cave.

“Um, I’m Lance? Prince of the sharks?” Lance called.

He’d never met Shiro before, never really had a reason to use his magic. Everyone had heard of him though.

“Prince of the sharks? Interesting,” Shiro said.

Lance flicked forwards slightly, hovering slightly in what could be equated to a doorway.

“I need some help,” he said.

“Of course,” Shiro said, “That’s all anyone comes for.”

Lance winced, “I’m sorry?”

“Don’t worry, it’s not your fault,” Shiro said, “I’m the one living in a dark cave…in the middle of nowhere…with sharks surrounding the area…yeah, it’s really my own fault. So, what are you after?”

“It’s a bit of a strange request,” Lance said, flicking in a bit more.

“I promise you,” Shiro said, “It will not be the strangest thing I’ve ever been asked for.”

“I, I think I like a human?” Lance said, “And I want to do something about it?”

Shiro froze for a second, before shaking his head.

“No, no, nononononononono…I can’t help you,” he said, waving his hands around, “I don’t do transformations into humans anymore, anything else yes, this no.”

“Wait, wait,” Lance said, cutting off Shiro’s rambling, “I don’t want to be a human.”

“You don’t?” Shiro asked, “Well, good, so what were you thinking?” “I don’t know, I was hoping for suggestions?” Lance said.

Shiro hummed, tapping his chin lightly. He opened his mouth several times to say something, but kept closing it thoughtfully.

“There might be something I can do,” Shiro said hesitantly, “But it won’t be easy. Do you really like this human?”

Lance nodded, “I do, I just, he seems so lonely and I want to help.”

Shiro nodded, “Alright, There are several ingredients I need you to gather, they’re not hard to get a hold of, they’re just a bit far away. The finished product should enable him to breathe underwater, although, he’d not park selkie or mer or anything water based right? Because it will turn him into that.”

Lance nodded, “I can do that and I don’t think so?”

Shiro nodded, “I’ll give you a list, when you get everything to me, I can make it for you.”

****

“I need to go away for a while,” Lance said, “I’ll be back soon enough.”

His human stared at him for a moment, face dropping and arms crossing over his chest.

“I have something important to do, I’ll be back before you know it,” Lance shrugged.

His human seemed to droop even more, picking lightly at his fingernails.

“Promise, you won’t even miss me,” Lance smiled, resting a hand on his shoulder, “Won’t even notice I’m gone.”

This didn’t seem to help, so Lance pulled him into a hug. His human was not expecting this and tensed at the contact, but soon relaxed against Lance’s chest.

“Just don’t go falling off things into the water while I’m away ok?” Lance said, “I won’t be here to save you.”

There was a huff of breath against his collarbone, and hesitant arms wrapped around his waist.

Shiro was right, the ingredients were not difficult to get, just far apart. Lance had been to far flung placed before, he was a shark, migrating around the ocean was what they did. He collected fallen sharks teeth, headed to the icy waters to sheer a tiny amount of a narwhal tusk, dove into the depths to collect whale bones, plucked spines of urchins, arms off starfish, a hair from the mane of a sea serpent. There was not one corner of the ocean he had not scoured. A black pearl, scales from the immortal fish, a sucker from a kraken, an increasing range of rare and exotic ingredients.

It took a while, but eventually, Lance had brought Shiro all the ingredients. He slept for almost a full day after that, after having to endure the endless badgering from Pidge and Hunk. After that, he collected the finished potion from Shiro and headed towards the beach.

****

His human wasn’t there, which was probably not unexpected. Lance splayed out on the rock beside the beach, looking out to the sand. He didn’t appear that day, or the next, or the next. Lance began to grow worried, had he forgotten? Given up on Lance? Left the area?

On the fifth day, Lance was just about ready to give up. Maybe his human had found happiness, that would be nice. It broke his heart, but, just as long as he was happy. After all, that was what this had been for. So what if he found that happiness without Lance. Flicking his tail, Lance thumped it on the rock. Alright, fine, Lance was a little annoyed, he’d done so much to get this potion.

The sound of loud splashing, Lance’s head shot up. His human, there, wading through the water towards him.

“Hey! Hey! What?” Lance said, reaching out a hand.

His human grabbed his hand, allowing Lance to pull him up onto the rock.

“What on earth were you?” Lance started, but never finished.

Arms wrapped around his shoulders, pulling him into a tight hug. Lance laughed, curling his own arms around the human.

“I didn’t think you were going to come back,” Lance said with a chuckle.

A headshake and a squeeze.

“So you missed me?”

There was no reply to that, but Lance could see the pale skin going red.

“I’m going to take that as a yes.”

The two of them sat together on the rock, Lance held out the small glass bottle.

“This should help you breathe underwater,” he said, “It’s what I’ve been getting for you while I’ve been away. This way, you can come visit my family, my friends, you wouldn’t have to be so alone anymore. Apparently if you’re half a water-based creature like a selkie you’ll become one? So just?”

Whatever Lance was going to say next was cut off as arms wrapped tightly around his neck, his human burying his face in the soft skin there.

“Um? Ok, it’s not really that big of a…” Lance started, but was cut off again as the human pressed their lips together.

Lance froze, at a complete loss as to what was happening. It finally seemed registered and he began to kiss his human back, resting one hand on his waist, the other curling in his hair. Lance pulled away slightly.

“What was that for?”

A look of how can you be so stupid, but with an affectionate smile.

“Yeah but, what about the other…” Lance said.

A hand over his mouth stopped Lance from continuing, he got an eyeroll and the human’s hand moving from over his mouth to cup his cheek. He pressed their lips together again, before taking the small glass bottle out of Lance’s hand.

“I mean…you don’t have to if you don’t want too I just thought…” Lance didn’t even get to finish before his human drained the whole thing in one, “Or you could do that I guess.”

There was a pause and Lance wondered if it had worked, then his human doubled over, clutching his head.

“Hey,” Lance said, “Hey, are you ok?”

It was a really, really stupid question. Especially as the human began to pitch sideways, ridged in pain. Lance reached forwards, grabbing him so he wouldn’t fall in the water and pulling him into a tight hug.

“You’re ok,” Lance said softly, “You’re going to be ok.”

Lance held him close to his chest, rubbing up and down his back and holding tight as he thrashed in pain. He had no idea what to do, what was happening, all he could do was hold his human tight and wait for the pain to pass. And hope nothing bad would happen, well, nothing worse then what was currently happening.

Eventually, his human went limp in his arms. Lance let out a long breath, nosing lightly at his human’s hair. It took a moment for Lance to realise he’d squeezed his eyes closed, human clutched close to him. Cautiously, Lance peeled his eyes open, moving his human away from his chest to look down at him. A sharp inhale as Lance cupped the face of…who was a human.

Red scales crawled up his neck and cheeks, fins folded in front of his ears. Lance shifted his eyes down, the red and black scales running down his arms to slightly webbed fingers. A smooth black and red tail laying over the rock with soft fish-fins spread out. He was a mer, a reef mer if Lance took a guess. A hand curled around his wrist and purple-blue eyes flickered open to look at him.

“Lance,” he croaked, voice rough with disuse.

His head dropped backwards as he fell unconscious.

****

Lance looked out at the water, wondering how long he could stay here until someone realised he was missing. Sighing, Lance looked back and down. What was once his human, who is now apparently a mer was curled up in the curve of Lance’s tail. His head was resting on Lance’s waist, soft puffs of water running over his skin. Reaching out, Lance tangled his hand in dark hair, scratching lightly at the scalp underneath. He got a soft noise and the mer curled up tighter, before opening his eyes.

“Lance?” he croaked out again.

His eyes darted down, looking at his hands, his tail, smoothing his hands up his face to his earfins. Lance just watched, waiting for the mer to get his barings.

“I guess I owe you an explanation,” he said, smiling a little awkwardly.

“You could start with your name,” Lance replied.

He pushed himself out of the curve of Lance’s tail, resting on the rocky floor of the underwater cave beside him.

“I’m Keith,” he said, “I…I’m the prince of the reef mer, I guess…that makes me your fiancé?”

Lance froze, staring at Keith, twitching his tail lightly.

“You’re who?” he said.

“Keith,” he said, “Prince of the reef mer, I…”

He looked up the top of the cave, flicking his fins.

“The night before our wedding, I panicked,” he continued, “I had fallen in love with a human and…no offense…I didn’t really want to marry a stranger. So, I went to Shiro and he made me human. The human though, he loved another and I…didn’t think there was any way I could return home.”

Reaching out, Lance rested a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

Keith looked up, smiling lightly. Flicking his tail, Keith swam to cup Lance’s face gently.

“But you,” Keith said, “You did so much for me, you travelled through every ocean for me.”

Keith pressed their mouths together, curling his arms around Lance. Making a surprised noise, Lance wrapped his arms around Keith’s waist, pulling him closer.

“You brought me home,” Keith whispered softly.

#klance #laith #voltron #keith (voltron)#lance (voltron)

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punkscowardschampions · 5 years

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Indie & Rio

Indie: [sends her the posts because no other way she'd see them] Rio: Shit, girl Rio: I was worried it might go down like this Indie: she's so extra Indie: never should have let him in the door Indie: the feds are gonna be hardcore @ it now Rio: Surely she let him out Rio: stupid woman Rio: but that's gonna pale in comparison now so Rio: What's Drew doing about it? Indie: boy was begging for a sick time & i gave it but its on me not him 😒😒 hold ur liquor u tourist Indie: hes flat roofin but other than that no thing to 👀 Indie: it b early tho & we all had a late Rio: They're a 24/7 services though, babe Rio: he'll be wanting to move his stash and generally clear his act up for the visit Rio: you too Indie: is it? on hols too thats a madness Indie: yeah the drum be clear of all his goods like that Indie: idk man mayb its chill like she gonna post that & not post up no harder than Rio: They might take xmas day off maybe but you know Rio: business as usual for all jan 1st Rio: well that's something Rio: maybe, but bitches like that LOVE making complaints about everything so maybe not Indie: she do have that talk to the manager vibe Indie: i done fucked up real didnt i? Rio: big time karen Rio: nah, in the eyes of everyone it's Drew that did Rio: but they won't be able to prove the drugs bit if they're gone so it's not enough to take you, a party gone wrong, bad judgment but maybe we can swing it that he was here somehow Rio: hmm Indie: but like he had mad trust for me & i brought him mad problems Rio: they're grown problems, he's big enough to fix 'em Indie: u too making ur nite go off on a real turn Indie: bet ur boy is bare vexed Rio: you know i'd rather you ring me than let it go more tits Rio: what are big sisters for Rio: but yeah, didn't even see him in the end so he ain't stopped Indie: innit Indie: tell him he can hit me up for something to take off that edge Indie: debts be paid around here Rio: um you ain't supposed to have no thing 'scuse you Rio: there's a plan here Indie: i gots places & heads to trust in Rio: nah, I'll make it up to him, don't worry 'bout that Indie: 😉😉😉 Rio: 😏 shush lil girl Indie: grown problems ur big enough to fix i kno 💋🤤🤤 Rio: so thirsty, go hydrate Rio: know you need to 😘 Indie: rude i got lipsed by bare boys last nite they were rigging dem bottle spins cos im 🔥🔥 dont b tryna put me out Rio: you need to cool off for a minute, bitch Rio: you in trouble Indie: not wit u Rio: yeah, don't push it 😉 Indie: 💔😢😢 dont do me like that on day 1 of the year 🙏🙏🙏 Rio: it started HOURS ago and I was still here with you cleaning blood out the carpet Rio: don't talk to me about day 1s when I'm clearly ride or die Indie: u kno im good for ious & i got mad love Rio: 🧡 Rio: i'm good really Rio: let's sort the actual situation Indie: u gonna charm the social for me? Rio: give it my best Indie: safe ✌✌ Rio: probably the straightest middle-aged lady Rio: so more likely your da will have to get on it Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: what drew b good for Rio: init tho Indie: we all been knew Indie: he better werk so it works Rio: Sure it won't be too hard, like Rio: even if she ain't all that 😂 Indie: she aint gon b bangin but his exes show he aint need that to chirp on Rio: 👀 Indie: 😂😂😏😏 Indie: can u roll up wit eats im about to die Rio: bit rude to both our ma, like lmao Rio: 'course Rio: bring leftovers Indie: ur ma dont count as no ex cos she ✖ed him out Indie: & my ma got that permanent ✖ so bigger problems than my shade innit Rio: no problems when you an 👼 Rio: fucking hopefully Indie: u my 👼 bringing that energy Indie: that means u can jam Rio: is it? Rio: 😏 Rio: let Ryan know eh Indie: he kno u a 😈 too Indie: how he be livin Rio: mhmm Rio: well he gon' have to wait for now Indie: he gon have beef wit me Indie: soz boyyy Rio: nah we was already beefin' 'fore this Indie: yeah? Indie: what he do? 👀 Rio: nah, what I do more like Rio: you know I'm 😈 Indie: o shit Indie: gimme that 411 Rio: nothing exciting Rio: just be looking too bad to be giving him that much air, you know the drill Indie: hes so hyped for u Indie: its been weeks boy no u cant cuff it Indie: who u think u is Rio: can you blame him Rio: hot property, baby Indie: u did look 💣💣💣 last nite my bad Indie: theres a boy @ school tryna chat @ the rest hes my bf so i feel it fr Indie: boy please DO I LOOK LIKE Indie: not tryna hold ur damn hand Rio: is he cute tho Indie: if he werent he wouldnt be able to chat no thing Indie: 💪 fuck him up Rio: 😂 Rio: gotta 'tect the rep Indie: he kno it tho & its like tell me how 🔥🔥 i am dont b talking on urself all the time Rio: not a mood Indie: innit Indie: dry as Rio: that's boys for you Indie: & he didnt show last nite Rio: playing hard to get or just got parents who give a fuck Indie: year up x 2 so he could come thru the ends whenever Indie: but i 💋 all his mandem so itll hit back Rio: play @ his own game alright Indie: do u think i went too hard tho? Rio: do you want him to be your mans or nah Indie: idk Rio: then it depends Rio: beyond knowing he loves himself, idk how he's vibing Rio: might be too far Indie: hes vibing like hes about me but i Rio: but you? Indie: how do i live that Indie: trust it Indie: drews meshing a new every week he says u gotta keep free on it Rio: works for him Rio: everyone's different Rio: you don't have to trust him yet Indie: mayb hes only about me til i give him something & im not tryna be a show like that Rio: that happens, not gonna sit here and lie and say it don't Rio: you're too young to be thinking on that or worrying Rio: keep him and the rest waiting Indie: yeah okay Indie: gimme a few to have puberty roll up Indie: still waiting on that Rio: it'll happen Rio: not that it's a barrel of laughs, like Rio: nothing to be hyped about Indie: i dont want it Indie: freaky shit going on Rio: unless you gonna stop eating, which unlikely Rio: you fucked, babe, we all are, soz Rio: get boobies though, perks Indie: that best not be you tryna skip on bringing me a meal bitch Indie: bout to hit the afterlife running here like Rio: 🙄 omw you rude ass hoe Rio: like you said, none of us had earlies Indie: omw fr or like when u tell ur mans u @ the club but u still tryin on fits in ur room Rio: like fr when I ever done you like that Indie: dont b starting Indie: ily Rio: 🤞 never Rio: ily more Indie: drews back if u wanna spit at him how to sort his life Rio: i will Rio: he ain't ready for this Indie: resolutions b dashing past this postcode we all avoidin that change Rio: you gotta Rio: sort you both Indie: hey swerve me im good Rio: 😏 Rio: fine i'll focus on your daddy Rio: no love for you Indie: 👼👼🤞🤞 Indie: call him that when you give it & he'll give in Rio: oh you schooling me on how to get blokes to do what I want now Rio: ok miss thing Indie: just him i 👂 what i hear & i kno what i kno Indie: hes here for all that Rio: you poor child Rio: anything grosser than parents going at it 😬 Indie: nah man its nasty & long being under this roof sometimes trust Rio: 🤢 Indie: some of his girls got me tempted to 📱 the social my own self & my ma looking like a saint Rio: that ain't right Rio: negates any buffness he got going on Indie: why lads wanna get on or under ANYTHING?! Indie: true madness Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: friction 🤷 Indie: yeah but like theres girls out there bringing it & you're gonna hit that Rio: he probably ain't got as much choice as he fronts Rio: lots of grown women ain't about his lifestyle so that leaves him w the younger ones who is Rio: stick at it too long, you get busted, just facts Indie: when you old & so is your baggage 😂😂✌✌ Rio: I mean Rio: I ain't say nothing 😉 Indie: keep that ☮ mama Rio: least he looks p young still Rio: nothing worse than an actual creepy old man dealer Indie: do he? 👴 to me Rio: nah Rio: he only what, 31 Rio: that's no thing to me, gurl Indie: mayb im just 🍋 cos he aint tryna gimme no 💸💸💸 Indie: & he aint caring my head hurts Rio: aw bb Rio: 'round the corner Rio: I'll look after you Indie: 💖💖💖 Indie: u didnt tell me it b like this tho partying Rio: didn't think i had to be that quick with the warnings Rio: next day hurts Indie: always? Rio: 'less you prepare and do it right Rio: it can be bearable Rio: better than you feeling, no doubt Indie: how i do that? school me yeah Rio: 'course Rio: on the to-do list now Indie: we doing the next as a back to school thing so you got a few to bring me up Rio: you best be doing it at some other fucker's gaff and all Rio: giving me grey hairs 🙄 Indie: 😂😂✌✌ Indie: imma make that boy host it Indie: if he love me Rio: You're getting a chaperone regardless Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Indie: 💔💔💔 Rio: don't start like you don't know why Indie: i aint trippin you are tho if u think i want a repeat Rio: what, you too cool for me now? Indie: innit 😏😏😏 Indie: but nah just Rio: you so is Rio: you think imma embarrass you in-front of your mans Indie: he aint gon b my mans if u there Indie: whos 👀 me over u Rio: nah don't be silly Indie: im being real Indie: ur 💣💣💣🔥🔥🔥 Rio: so are you Rio: and I don't think a lad who likes you will be into me Indie: every lad b into u they all chat on u fully 😍😍😍💘💘😍 Rio: sounds like plenty are into you too Indie: 😂😂 it was for the spin Indie: cant pussy out Rio: 😏 mhmm Rio: well I promise you I won't be joining in, like Rio: now come let me in if you got strength to get the door Indie: 💪💪 babyyy Indie: [lets her in cos fuck know what drew is doing, flexing in the mirror probably] Rio: [lol watch him rush out when he realize] Indie: [hears her voice & runs out pretending to be casual] Rio: [oh boy, do not deserve her sorting your life, temporarily, but it's for Indie so] Indie: [bless her she's dying rn & just wants to be snuggled cos literal child] Rio: [give them a sec 'scuse you sir] Indie: [I hate everything about this, Carly didn't die for this] Rio: [just making leftovers] Indie: [drew chatting to her like she's here to hang with him & we all know] Rio: [don't you touch caleb's food bitch] Indie: [is nothing sacred you slag] Indie: [indie just fully lying stretched out on the counter like its a bed like let me die] Rio: [getting a bag of peas or some shit in a tea towel and putting it on her head] Indie: [such a good mum but that don't mean you can step ma her drew] Rio: [not her fault she can converse more like a grown-up than you Indie: [we should send Indie running off to the bathroom no offense Caleb but I'm evil & wanna leave them alone for a sec for the mood] Rio: [shoulda gone to hold her hair but now you can level with him and he can pretend he's a responsible adult lmao] Indie: [& Ryan can be highkey & he can pretend he cares] Rio: [ah the joys]

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theres-no-paradise · 7 years

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Sorry not Sorry

Chapter 8 Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 9

Summary: A random number wakes you up early on a Saturday morning. But it doesn't stop there. The stranger keeps on sending messages, and you have no idea what is happening, when you start to develop feelings for the unknown person.

Pairings: Tom Holland x Reader [submit your name: How it works]

Y/N your Name

Y/F your friends name

Word Count: 1932

Warnings: There will be swearing for sure, lots of sarcasm

A/N: Chapter 8 is done! A little late, sorry for that, but I hope you like it. We are slowly working our way towards the main plot, so stay tuned on the upcoming chapters. Feel free to let me know what you think, too! Im so Happy about all the feedback I get. It really helps me to stay motivated and write for you :)

It was a day after the Incident in the pub and you were laying in bed and staring at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity. Your phone was on the nightstand next you, silent since the last message from the night before. The only sound in your home were loudspeakers, playing some music from your Spotify playlist.

‘Things will happen while they can, I will wait here for my man tonight. It's easy when you're big in Japaaaan. Oh, when you're big in Japan, tonight Big in Japaaaan, be tight. Big in Japan, ooh the eastern sea's so blueee’, you sang along and tried to not think about your embarrassing encounter with Tom. Afternoon was slowly creeping by and you didn't do anything all day until your phone buzzed for the first time that day and you turned over to grab it from the stand.

The Spiderman: I’m leaving in two days to Montreal. Wanna meet up properly this time?

You immediately sat up straight in your bed, staring at the message that came from Tom. You giggled a little at the new Nickname in your contacts. The whole situation seemed to be unreal, you still couldn't imagine that the Tom Holland was the person who messaged you by accident. And yet here you were, reading a message from him once again.

You: I swear, I’m living in a fanfic or something …

The Spiderman: ?

You: Nevermind lol . Yes, I’d like to meet. Any idea what to do?

The Spiderman: Do you like dogs?

You: Positive.

The Spiderman: Fancy a walk in the park with me and Tess?

You jumped out of your bed and ran over to your wardrobe to get some clothes, at the same time you typed in your response. A walk in the park sounded just great for a sunny afternoon date. Meet? Just a walk? What were you supposed to call this? You were unsure if this counted as a date or not so you just shoved that thought into the darkest corner of your mind and chose some casual clothes. Jeans and a simple T-Shirt would do for a walk in the park.

You: Sure! Where and when?

The Spiderman: Richmond Park. And whenever you’re free

You: I’ll get ready and let you know when I’m about to get on the train.

You showered, dressed up and put some decent make up on your face before you rushed out of your apartment. Usually it took you a little longer to get ready but this time you didn't want to waste any time. What was happening with you?

The Spiderman: Alright. Ill pick you up from the Station.

You: Omw. See you!

The Spiderman: in a bit! X

The time on the train passed by quickly and you arrived in no time at the station, that was closest to the Park. You’ve been here before, so this area was familiar to you as you got out of the train to meet Tom, you remembered the buildings and surroundings.

“You look nice”, was the first thing, Tom said and immediately you felt your ears turn red and warm. You hoped for your cheeks to stay pale.

“Thank you. Even though I’m not wearing anything special”, you laughed, a little nervous.

“But you still look nice.”

“Thank you Mr. handsome”, another giggle escaped your lips as you approached the pair. You embraced Tom in a hug, before turning all your attention to the dog, that was sitting well behaved next to him. “And who are you?” you asked even though you knew Tessa already from Photos on the internet. You stroked her chin and head before getting up again. “That’s my dog, Tess”, Tom answered and you smiled, giving the dog one last pat on the head. “She’s gorgeous. Take good care of her or she might be gone later”, you joked, smiling wide. “You think someone could steal her?”, Tom wondered and motioned you to follow him out of the building. “Oh absolutely”, you grinned, winking at him. ‘It’s easier than I expected’, you thought to yourself as you walked next to the guy you’ve been talking to for the past few weeks. After the incident in the Pub, you were over thinking so much about your behaviour earlier. That you weren't even capable to say a proper word. You believed, that meeting him again would be so awkward after the first encounter but you were glad, that it wasn't as you expected it to be.

“Wanna hold her?”, Tom’s words threw you out of your train of thoughts and you stared at the leash for a second before realizing what he was saying. “Sure”, you answered while taking Tessa’s leash, holding onto it tightly so you wouldn't lose it because of your clumsiness. “So, how was your day?” Tom asked casually, as you walked in the direction of Richmond Park.

“It was good. Silent and nice and yours?” you didn't tell him the part where you stressed yourself out because he asked you to meet. You tried to play it off cool.

“I had a few interviews this morning, so I’m a little tired”, he admitted, with a small smile on his lips.

“You should rest. You’ll be busy again once you're back at work”, “But that’d mean I’d miss some quality time with a certain girl”, his laugh made you look up to him with a questioning look on your face.

“Oh you can just hang out with your dog all day at home?”, you joked, totally getting his saying.

“You're a dork”

“Naaah, I got your intention”, winking at him you walked a little faster so that you could reach the park and let Tessa run. “But I just don't like to play hah”, you added.

“No games here any way!”

You both walked through the park, enjoying the summer sun on your skin. You let Tess run around freely, make her get the sticks you threw or play fetch with her ball. Tom was looking at you many times in silence, you felt it but you didn't say anything. The silence between you two was nice and not awkward at all and you enjoyed the attention you got from him, even if it was him staring at you.

“Would you have ever imagined us to actually meet?”, the brunette asked after a while as you decided to walk back slowly.

“To be honest, no.”

“Why?” “I don't know. I think I was scared? If you would've asked to meet before we saw each other in the pub, I would have declined”, you admitted.

“Hmm”

“I didn't know what to expect. Sure it somehow excited me because I actually enjoyed your texts.”

“Oh, you did? I knew it!”, Tom laughed and you joined in.

“Sure I still do. But whenever I tried to imagine our first meet, I couldn't”

“I understand. It's hard to think of someone when you haven't even seen their face before.”

“Exactly, but now I'm kinda glad we met.” your words weren't louder than a whisper but Tom seemed to understand everything without a problem. “So am I!”

You kept strolling through the park, talking about everything that came up to your mind. Tom asked you about your job and what you did in your free time, except for texting him. And you asked him the same. Especially about the past weeks as he was traveling the world. He told you about all the places he went to and you were in awe. You liked the glimmer in his eyes as he talked about traveling to all the places he hasn't been before. “Are you excited for Montreal?” “Oh absolutely. It’s gonna be busy with all the work there but I'm looking forward to it” he was genuinely excited, you could tell and suddenly there was a weird feeling in your chest. As something was stinging you.

“I'm a little jealous, I admit”, you said, laughing a little.

“Oh, I’ll bring you something or sent you a card if you want!” Tom suggested and you shrugged.

“No, you're busy enough. You don't need to get me anything” ‘please do bring me something’, you thought to yourself.

“I’ll do it anyway. No discussion” ‘Yes!’

You were slowly approaching the Neighbourhood with the train station just around the corner and it made you a little sad that the day was about to come to an end. “Wanna stay for dinner?”

“I’d love too but I don't want to-” you couldn't finish your sentence which was pretty much about bothering him more. Tom must’ve felt this because immediately he said: “Okay, come on, we’re getting Dinner at mine!”

“I hate you so much.”

“I know.” You both laughed once again. As you did many times this day.

There was tons of Chinese takeaway spread out over the small table in the living room. You sat on the brown sofa, legs crossed and a box with rice and chicken on your lap as you watched Sons of Anarchy on Tom’s big, old TV. When will he get a new one anyway? This model seemed to be from the early 00’s.

“I enjoyed today a lot. Thanks for inviting me over.”, you mumbled shyly, after finishing your food.

“It was my pleasure. We should hangout again sometime” Tom suggested as he stuffed some more noodles into his mouth. You smiled softly and nodded: “Id actually like that a lot, Tom.”

“Good, maybe I can make some room tomorrow?”, he wondered and you felt your cheeks warming up the probably hundreds time this day. But last minute you remembered, that you were and not able to hang out.

“I'm afraid I'm busy. Can't miss my meetings”, you shrugged. You would’ve loved to hang out with him, but work was calling for you and you couldn't just call in sick because of some random guy. Okay, Tom wasn't random at all but still, calling in sick just for him to meet up with you wouldnt work.

“What a shame.”

“Just give me a call once you're back in town and I make sure to make time”

“Sounds like a deal”

After you boarded the train, you sat on a free place next to the window, as it started to move towards your destination. You recalled the past hour and felt the heat overcome your body once again, as your mind wandered off to the brown eyes that stared at you for the millionth time that day. You remembered how Tom’s arm felt behind you, as he rested it on the back of his sofa. His fingers slightly touching your shoulder as you scooped up a little closer to him, trying to not make it too obvious that you enjoyed his little touches. There wasn’t much interaction between the two of you while watching Tom’s favourite TV show, which you learned that night. It was just the two of you, enjoying a Series and being close to each other. It wasn’t awkward or weird in any way, just nice and comfortable over all. Deep down you wished, that he would’ve made a bigger move and one thing could’ve led to another but that would either mean you’d become friends with benefits, which you obviously didn’t want, or just a one time fling and he’d be gone forever because you couldn’t look him in the eyes once again. You liked the slow pace, you both unconsciously decided to have with the whole ‘getting to know’ scenario and you wouldn’t want to have it any other way. But there was one thing worrying you: The Distance.

Taglist: @hollandorks @beardedsteveslut @ilivefortomholland @casualprincess77 @agirlwithpointlessideas @isabellamozarella03 @MENDES-HOLLAND @thiswildfire @wastedheartnat @hollandbaby @moonofmy-life @smileylaurens @random-fandom-lady @heartoftheadventure @blackazkaban @augurydemon @homecomjng @punkass-potato @unfoldingdaydreams @thefriendlyneighborhoodspidey @rivedale @tiffanypooh

#sorry not sorry #sns #tom holland #tom holland imagines #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x reader

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swampgallows · 7 years

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i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again.

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person.

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games.

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that.

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it��s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway).

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive.

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester.

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it.

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women.

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood.

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter.

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time.

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.

#blathering

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rachelisnotatwork · 5 years

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Iceland: finally we see the light!

The worst bit about flying to Iceland, or I should probably add flying to Iceland when you are too cheap to pay for a decent airline, is that you have to dress like you are going on a solo trek to the South Pole in order to reduce the weight in your suitcase. Luckily it was quite cold the day we left but we were still glowing, red-faced, as we headed to the airport wearing snow boots, scarves, big coats, all our heaviest stuff in our hand luggage etc.

The flight there was pretty uneventful and it was a beautifully clear day, which meant for good views over the sleeping tourist by the window. When we arrived we just had to pick up our car and go.

Now by this stage in the “life of constant holidays” game, we are pretty much Hertz deluxe members which means what normally happens is we book a smart car and turn up to be upgraded to a minibus. Often we have to scale back the excesses of the upgrade because we don’t want the hassle of trying to park a giant car/fuelling up a giant car. So we were pretty confident that whilst we’d booked a tiny and shit car, that wouldn’t be what we were given. Well that smugness came to an abrupt end when we collected our tiny and shit car. Turns out that Iceland isn’t one of those free upgrade locations...and car rental is expensive here so they had no desire to give us a freebie. So we puttered into town in our tiny and shit car, a journey made far more stressful than it needed to be by the fact that Marcel’s phone is an early adopter of Brexit and the GPS locator dot on google maps only seems to work in the UK. After a lot of swearing we did make it to our surprisingly chilly airbnb. It was in a converted garage and the host had made the interesting decision not to install an extractor fan but instead keep the windows open 24/7 (in Iceland electricity is pretty much free so no one cares about their heating bills). We closed the windows because the humidity definitely wasn’t our problem.

We decided in the evening we’d go to the Pizza Restaurant we liked, so we headed into town, struggled to park (there’s a lot of snow, which means getting a tiny shit car into a space is quite hard) and skittered down the pavement in the -10c weather to the restaurant. Only to find it had stopped being a pizza joint last week and was now trialling its new menu. I wasn’t hugely keen as they didn’t have much of a vegetarian selection but Marcel didn’t want to re-park or go out walking in the cold so decided to stick with it.

I asked for a pearl barley dish, without the lamb that was supposed to be on top of it. Marcel selected their rutabaga dish. I advised him not to select this as vegetarian is always interpreted in expensive restaurants as “on a diet”. He said I was being silly and it would be a decent portion. He ended up with a palm-sized dish of pureed rutabaga with some crispy slices of it on top. Didn’t want to say “I told you so” but felt I had to, because that’s what life is like in a long-term relationship.

The next day we headed out of town after a delicious breakfast somewhere that looked like a construction site, but was actually a decent cafe. We had quite a long way to drive so we decided we’d drive straight out to Vik and lunch there. As we headed out of town, the roads got pretty icy and once the wind picked up there were drifts of snow on the road. Always reassuring to see some people digging out a 4 x 4 that’s skidded off the road when you are in a tiny 2WD city car with about 4 inches of clearance.

We had lunch in Vik, which has got much busier since the last time we were there (it has 2 places you can lunch now rather than one) and went for a quick but windy walk on the beach, before setting off again.

We wanted to visit Jökulsárlón the next day in the morning and since there’s not much in the way of accommodation in those parts we had booked into a place called the Fosshotel Glacier Lagoon. It was surprisingly busy and we had to park right the other side of the car park. In my business putting on my gloves, I completely failed to notice Marcel getting out the car and immediately falling over on the ice, but thankfully he was uninjured and thus was able to complete his usual suitcase duties.

Our room had a pretty nice window seat overlooking the view down to the sea so we snuggled up on there and read books before dinner. The only option was the hotel restaurant and I decided I didn’t want to know how much I was going to pay for dinner so refused to do the conversions. It was an...interesting meal. My starter involved so much horse radish I spent the rest of dinner constantly wanting to sneeze. We’d decided we wanted to go hang out in the sauna after dinner so were slightly impatiently waiting for the bill, which they were tardy bringing. The delay was soon compensated for though by the announcement from the staff just after we’d paid our bill that the Northern lights were visible outside. We immediately stampeded onto the balcony to see a very impressive green streak of light across the sky.

We were torn between “this could disappear any second” and “I’m really cold and I want to go get my coat” so in the end we made a mad dash for our room, layers and my camera. Maddeningly, I almost always bring my tripod with me on holiday, but this time pressed for space and weight and with so many unsuccessful trips behind us I’d not bothered. I’m not sure I’d have photographed things much better with it though, because I hadn’t really appreciated that there’s nothing really to focus on through your view finder when what you are trying to photograph is green shimmering light on a black background. I tried though.

It did look amazing. We walked out to the front of the hotel (which incidentally involved us and a bunch of other guests stampeding past the sauna full of confused nude people to get out the quickest exit) and stood in the snow, watching the green waves slowly undulate and shiver across the sky. I hadn’t really got a grasp on the speed of how they move before. Sometimes they seemed like they barely moved at all, and indeed for at least an hour there was one solid green band across the sky that didn’t really change. In other areas you had to look at the edges to notice any movement at all. But occasionally something rapid would furl and unfurl and move across the whole sky in 10-20 seconds.

The other thing that I hadn’t anticipated is that I guess the light in the atmosphere warps our perception of the light from the stars so they looked very unfamiliar. Much bluer than normal and Sirius was swapping between flashing blue and orange so rapidly we thought it was a plane for a while.

Eventually we got cold so went back inside and sat on our window seat and watched it until about midnight. After that it had got pretty dim and we decided we’d better shut the blinds or neither of us would really get any sleep.

The next morning we rose with the dawn and headed over to Jökulsárlón. We did not want to pay 28 euros a head for breakfast in our hotel and we’d vaguely remembered there was a cafe there, so we decided to eat there. I don’t remember the food options being so basic last time. It has also got considerably busier so the indoor toilet is no longer open to visitors and we had to go out to the (thankfully perfectly clean) portaloos in the car park which were absolutely freezing. Climbing up a small hillock to look over the lagoon exposed us to such lacerating winds that my phone promptly went from 98% battery to 9% from the horrors of the cold. I had to tuck it inside all my layers to keep it alive. It was beautiful though.

There are two things to see at Jökulsárlón- the lagoon where ice bergs calve and you can see cute seals pop in and out between them and the so-called Diamond Beach where the ice bergs meet the sea and often get washed up on the shore. Last time we’d driven between the two sites but with the thick snow on the ground we didn’t dare take our car to the beach and instead plodded through the deep snow and strong winds over there.

It was beautiful, especially since unlike last time the sun was out and was glittering through the ice. However the wind was so cold it burnt my face, which ended up really painful and weirdly bright red on one side by the time we returned to the car.

We had gone to Jökulsárlón quite early because we had another 5 hours drive ahead to our Airbnb in Seyðisfjörður. The only reason we’d come back to Iceland was we’d loved our airbnb in Seyðisfjörður so much the last time we’d been there that we resolved we’d return one winter and just hang out there. And this was our plan.

The views as we drove east were spectacular.

The road conditions driving out east were….pretty appalling. After Jökulsárlón, there aren’t many tourists which means there really isn’t much traffic. I think we saw more reindeers than cars as we fishtailed on ice and wondered why in the hell they only had crash barriers off the side of some of the roads that hooked around cliffs over the sea. At one point we drove past an abandoned van on it’s side with “accident” tape around it. By the time it was getting dark there was such a high wind driving over one of the passes you couldn’t see more than the 5m road marking pole in front of you. Which is when you really rue your car rental choices of a Kia Rio.

The winds had at least calmed down a bit by the time we arrived in Seyðisfjörður. All we had to do was get up our drive to our airbnb overlooking the valley. I said to Marcel I hoped the car would make it. He said he wouldn’t mind if we got stuck in the snow now because we could walk to our airbnb. He had to say that...seconds later our car gently skidded off the road and into the huge snow bank on the side of the drive.

Our hosts had apparently been supposed to email saying meet them in the town because the drive way had been blocked by a lot of snow, but they hadn’t. However they did use their monster truck to spend the next 45 minutes extracting us from the snowbank, so swings and roundabouts. In the end we ended up leaving our car at their house in town and getting a lift up to our cabin with our stuff. Thankfully we’d already done a shop and planned to self-cater so we could recuperate from the long and slightly terrifying drive with a soak in the hot tub and dinner.

Our hosts had been very emphatic that we could ask them for lifts in and out of town whenever we wanted, but a combination of Britishness and embarrassment about disturbing their dinner to get them to dig our car out meant that we decided to walk into town instead. It was a pretty gentle and pleasant 2.5km downhill and we felt very smug especially when we saw some locals “walking” their dog by driving slowly as the dog chased the car (later saw the tracks of someone who’d been driving their snowmobile to exercise their dog).

The supermarket in town was...weirdly British. There were McVities digestives (Marcel discovered the chocolate and caramel ones on this holiday so I ended up having two packets wedged in my pocket for the journey home). Suede was playing over the tannoy. And a woman, who turned out to be the owner with a very strong midlands accent on the till. Apparently she met her Icelandic husband in Nottingham.

We pottered back up the hill (slightly less pleasant walk against gravity and into the wind when it is -12c outside) and spent the rest of the day living the dream eating biscuits, reading books and popping in and out of the hot tub. Just as good as I remembered it.

The next day we got slightly more adventurous and decided to go on a little snowshoeing adventure. It was -14c out and REALLY windy so I decided I didn’t want to venture far. Marcel wanted to go on the ridge behind our cottage but I said it looked avalanchy so we continued along our level of the valley a bit further. I love snowshoeing but our tracks were getting covered in seconds with the waves of snow blowing across the ground and it was incredibly cold so we only stayed out for about half an hour. When we got back Marcel said he was going to ask our hosts if it were safe to go up higher into the mountains but his conclusion was that it couldn’t be an avalanche risk area or they wouldn’t have built the town there. A quick google later and we discovered that the town is the site of Iceland’s worst ever avalanche tragedy with 24 people killed at the end of the 19th century and a factory flattened at the end of the 20th century. After that we decided to stick to the hot tub in safer activities.

The next day, despite stocking up on enough chocolate digestives to last several lifetimes, we had to go back into town to start our car because we’d forgotten that car batteries don’t really like it brutally cold. So down to town we pottered. Problem was, Marcel forgot that key fob batteries also don’t like it cold and he’d left the fob in an outer pocket. So when we got to the car we couldn’t remotely open it. We had to manually open it with the key in the lock, which triggered the alarm to go off. I think our hosts, whose house we’d parked outside, were fairly sure we were actually handicapped when it came to motor vehicles. We drove the car around a little bit and then tried to park it again, only to find ourselves menaced by a goose. I know this sounds like a joke but it was hanging out in our parking space, wouldn’t move and then tried to get inside our car. We had to lure it away with crisps (not sure if salt and vinegar crisps are good for geese. If anyone found a dead goose later that day, sorry[ish]).

We pottered back up the hill and settled down to the rest of the day; an exhausting cycle of hot tub and reading in our beautiful cottage.

By the night time it had started to lightly snow. We decided we’d have a really long final hot tub soak so lazed in there like hippos. I was trying to catch some snowflakes on my tongue (sod’s law, none seemed to fall in my mouth but they kept repeatedly landing directly on my eyeballs) and suddenly we saw the northern lights again. Which was incredibly luck considering the night was reasonably cloudy. They whirled around for about 5 minutes and then disappeared, which was a very nice last evening at our cottage.

The next day we nervously checked the road conditions and headed off. Going south there was a huge storm forecast and the road was pretty much out of bounds. Luckily we were heading back to Reyjavik via the northern route. Step one of the journey was get over the pass to Egilsstaðir. No problem. The next step of the journey, which was between Egilsstaðir and Mývatn, is the least driven part of the circular road around Iceland, Route 1. We drove for about an hour. All was well. Then we noticed some cars slowing down ahead to find that the snow had drifted across an uphill portion of the road, where a little car had skidded and got stuck on the opposite side of the road (not dangerous, because there’s about 10 cars an hour on this road). This was unsettling to us in our tiny Kia as we clearly couldn’t turn around as the Southern roads were out, there is no other road ploughed at this time of year to get around this, and our car was clearly no better suited to it than the skidded car that a jeep was now trying to rescue. Marcel got out of the car and walked the hill to better look at it. We had zero phone reception (annoyingly we did at most places along the route but we had none there) to call the roads number to see when the next snowplough was due. So in the end we decided to risk it. We skidded and skittered but we eventually made it through! Which was both good and bad as now we were aware that if we hit any further bad road conditions we’d be really screwed as we’d be unlikely to be able to go back the way we came as the snow was continuing to drift. We did however make it to Mývatn okay, which was good because after that the road is a bit more used so a bit more ploughed.

We had lunch in the cow restaurant we’d been to before and ate rye bread cooked in a lava vent and looked out the window at the 3ft of snow piled outside and debated thermal baths over further snowshoeing.

There was however a road that wasn’t ploughed in winter but led up to a caldera, which we thought might be nice to snowshoe on as would have a level terrain under the snow and a decent end point. So we drove down there….only to find that some extremely optimistic/dim tourist had decided to drive their 2wd small car on what was clearly an unploughed road with several feet of snow on it and got stuck, and now the entrance to the unploughed road was filled with vehicles trying to rescue them. With our plans to snowshoe thwarted, we decided to head to the Mývatn baths.

The downside of this is that they turned out to be in a selectively extremely windy spot. We got out the car to find a wind speed best described as “scouring”. We are made of stern stuff though so headed bravely onwards. The pools are obviously hot, but the wind was so strong it was generating waves in the pool (fine) and then breaking those waves into spray in the air. Which meant the only tolerable thing to do was float on your back with only your nose and mouth above water. Unfortunately I suffer from a terrible affliction known as “extremely buoyant legs” so struggled over the next hour to stop them surfacing and exposing my feet and knees to a little light hypothermia. I ended up tucking them under Marcel’s legs which are incredibly unbuoyant (how lucky that of all the people in the world I found my leg buoyancy opposite).

We eventually got out and drove onto Akureyri. Our accomodation was right in the middle of town on a steep hill. So steep and so badly gritted (which I feel is a strange thing for a road in a pretty big [for Iceland] town in a very snowy part of the world to be) that our car got stuck trying to get up it. Eventually we got enough traction to make it into the car park of our hotel, but we decided to limit dinner choices to “restaurants within walking distance”. Luckily there was a burger joint in our street that we could totter carefully to.

Our final day was 6 hours of driving to get to the airport in time for our flight. Which was pretty stressful. Not going to lie. There seemed to be an uncanny (given how empty the roads were) link between where the snow was thickest and most slippery and the sudden emergence of a large lorry barrelling along in the other direction (the ring road is a single lane in each direction for about 99% of the road). But we made it! With just enough time to collapse with nervous exhaustion and eat some sandwiches before our flight home. Despite the terrors of driving and the discovery that renting a tiny car in winter is only a good idea 75% of the time, it was an amazing relaxing week and also FINALLY we got some decent northern lights!

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boop-bri · 7 years

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Try Again

Written By: Admin Hobicat

Pairing: Yoongi X Reader (ft. Hoseok)

Genre: Angst/Fluff

Word Count: 4,751

AN: Here’s part two to Experimenting I’ve been meaning to upload. With the way I ended it I almost want to make a part three. Idk if I should though. If you guys think so let me know. The ask box is open if anyone wants to request something. I’m currently working on a Jeonghan smut 👀 lol. I can’t add a link to the first part yet 😥😥 but if you want to read it cause you haven’t just click on my page and search masterlist and the story will pop up along with my others. I need to make a masterlist eventually though lol.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So when’s the last time you’ve seen Yoongi?”

“It’s been about a month now I think. I don’t plan on seeing him again. He broke up with me so what’s done is done.”

Hoseok scoffed, rolling his eyes at my comment. Hoseok and I sat in a cafe outside of the boys dorm. It’s mostly just us hanging out, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t starting to develop very small feelings for him. Ever since Yoongi and I broke up Hoseok has been by my side trying to cheer me up any way he can.

“You know he talks about you a lot. Its obvious that he misses you. Maybe you should come by and talk to him or something.”

“Why would I talk to him? He. Broke. Up. With. Me. I’m trying to move on Hoseok. It’s for the best anyway. All we do is fight when we’re together. Why should I be with him when he continues to act like talking to me about our problems like a normal adult is too hard for him.” Hoseok frowned, taking a sip of his coffee, before nodding.

“Yeah I get that, but this could give you closure. You both obviously need to resolve some things.”

“I don’t know Hoseok. I’m not really up for talking to him right now. Especially after the last argument we had.” Every time I think about the fight my heart begins to hurt. Flashes of that moment began playing in my head as if to remind me why I needed to move on.

“What’s your deal Yoongi? Why are you bitching at me over something as stupid as me wanting to eat your ass? I thought you liked it? We haven’t even had sex in almost a week.” This was the fifth fight Yoongi and I have had since last week.

“I do like it, but you keep constantly asking. I’m not always up for it yet you still beg me. I’m not always up for sex (Y/N). Besides sorry I have things to do other than tending to your wants.” I was baffled. Yoongi has never talked to me this way before. Sure he could say some snarky things when he was in a bad mood, but this was different. He almost seemed angry towards me and not at whatever issue he had.

“Beg you?! I’ve never once begged you for shit Yoongi. I thought since you liked it so much that you’d just be up for it all the time. Excuse me for not knowing. Is it too much to want your boyfriend to pay attention to you and want you sexually? It never was a problem before so why are you making it one now? Whatever issue you have doesn’t give you an excuse to come at me like this.” Yoongi kept his back to me, continuing to work on whatever he was working on. I could feel my anger rising the more he didn’t turn around to face me. This whole ignoring me thing he seemed to be doing more often when we fought was getting old very quick.

“It felt like you were begging me for it. Look it doesn’t even matter. I’m really busy so I don’t have time for any of this. I have songs I need to finish soon. I’m just going to go to the studio and work there. I’ll see you later.” Finally Yoongi turned around to face me, a blank look on his face, before moving towards the bed to grab his jacket. Stepping in front of him I stared him straight in his eyes.

“You always do this Yoongi. When we get in a fight you just up and leave and don’t come back till the morning or stay at the dorm. I’m tired of it. If you can’t stay here and talk to me like an adult then what’s the point?” Yoongi looked past me looking annoyed at me stopping him.

“I have to finish these songs. I’ll be back later.” Yoongi walked around me on his way towards the door. All the anger I’d been feel that’s just piled up along with him just constantly blowing me off was finally too much.

“If you leave now don’t bother coming back Yoongi!” Time seemed to slow down in that moment. As I turned to face him, angry tearing filling my eyes, I hoped he would just come back and hug me. I hoped he would turn around and tell me he was sorry and say what was wrong with him. I waited what felt like forever then he finally moved, towards the door.

“I’m serious Yoongi! If you leave we’re done! I can’t keep doing this with you! All this fighting constantly only for you to leave and ignore me like I’m not even here! I’m over it!” Silence. Yoongi still kept his back to me seeming to pause for what felt like forever before he opened the door. My heart felt like it was sinking into the pit of my stomach as he walked out with his back to me, and just like that our relationship was done.

“(Y/N)? What’s wrong?” I blinked as my mind came back to the present. Hoseok had a frown on his face while his hand touched my shoulder.

“I’m fine. I actually have some stuff I need to do so I gotta go.”

“Oh, okay. You still coming over Saturday to hang out right? Yoongi is gonna be busy all day so you won’t have to worry about him showing up. You’ll be gone before he comes home. He’s been staying late at the studio a lot.” My heart hurt a little bit to hear that. He always buried himself in his work and neglects himself when something bothers him. Hoseok got up from his chair, walking with me to open the door and leaving out with me.

“Yeah I’ll be there. Thanks for hanging out with me for a little bit. See you Saturday.”

After hugging we went our separate ways. I

I couldn’t help but to glance back towards their apartment and to my shock there Yoongi stood across the street. He just stood there staring at me like he’d never seen me before. My heart began to ache the longer we looked at each other until finally he turned towards Hoseok who had made it over to him.

That having been the first time I’d seen him in so long I didn’t know how to react. Had he seen Hoseok and I hug? Would he ask Hoseok about me? Why did I even care? My heart immediately went into overdrive and I quickly made my way to my home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally it was Saturday. Just getting off of work I was beyond tired and making my way towards the boys dorm. After seeing Yoongi those few days ago I felt strangely more excited to go over to hang out with Hoseok. Maybe it was because I hoped Yoongi would show himself. Or maybe I was just excited to be around Hoseok.

“Took you long enough to get here. The pizza was getting cold.” Hoseok said as he opened the door.

“Oh shut up. There was traffic. Are you gonna move so I can come in?” Hoseok stepped to the side to let me in and once inside I immediately glanced around for any sign of Yoongi.

“So you’re sure Yoongi isn’t gonna show up, right?”

“Positive. He texted me a few minutes ago that he’s gonna be at the studio for most of the night.”

“That’s good.” I mumbled. That was a lie though. I almost felt disappointed that I wouldn’t see Yoongi.

“Where’s the rest of the boys?” I asked when I noticed how quiet it was. It was rarely ever quiet when I use to come over to see Yoongi.

“They went out to see some movie and go eat. It’s gonna be just for awhile.” Walking towards the couch I could feel this sense of longing come over me.

I hadn’t been in the dorm for awhile. It was almost weird not seeing Yoongi sitting on the couch with his headphones on waiting for me. Flopping down onto the couch, the smell of pizza filled my nose and immediately my stomach rumbled. I hadn’t eaten dinner yet since we planned on eating pizza and I was beyond starving.

“Sounds like someone is hungry. Let me go get some plates. Why don’t you find a movie on Netflix we can watch. Just don’t make it scary.” Rolling my eyes I scroll through Netflix and just to spite him I ended up picking a scary movie I had planned on watching on my own. I mostly picked it as a joke to see his reaction, but a small part of me really wanted to watch it.

“Got the plates. (Y/N)! I said no scary movies!” Hoseok pouted as he sat beside me.

“The movie probably isn’t even that scary. You’ll be fine. If you get scared just cover your face or something.” I said jokingly. Hoseok huffed and bit his lip as he looked at the screen.

“But…” I could tell he was getting a little freaked out at the thought of watching this movie. I almost changed my mind and picked another movie, but before I could pick the remote up Hoseok grabbed it first.

“Alright fine. I’m brave I can handle it. You’re right it probably won’t even be scary.”

“You know we dont really have to watch this. I mostly picked it to mess with you.” Hoseok shooked his head and puffed his chest out as if to show how he could handle this.

“Im a big boy (Y/N). I can handle it.” I almost wanted to laugh. We both knew he wouldnt be able to handle it. Halfway through the movie hell probably want to turn it off.

“Alright if you say so. It’ll be fine. If you get too scared I’m always here.” Hoseok nodded, grabbing some pizza and placing it on his plate. Following his lead I grab some as well then before he pressed play.

The movie started playing and so far Hoseok hadn’t even flinched at the cliche jump scare the movie started off with. I was starting to think he wasn't as scary as he claimed to be. That was about until halfway through the movie when a scare that even got me popped up. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone yell so loud. Hoseok grabbed on my arm, pulling me closer to him, till I was squished up into his side.

“You okay?” I felt the need to ask. It was my fault we were watching this movie that he would probably get nightmares from.

“I’m a little better now that you’re closer. Fuck I didn’t think the killer was gonna pop up like that.” I was a little too stunned to reply back to him considering what he’d just said. The small part of me that was beginning to develop a crush on him didn’t know how to respond so I just decided to stay quiet.

For the rest of the movie Hoseok and I sat cuddled up together, holding each other every time something scary was happening. I had completely forgotten about hoping Yoongi would show up. At some point during the movie Hoseok had grabbed the blanket behind us and placed it over us. By the time the movie had ended I was starting to feel a little sleepy and I think Hoseok could tell.

“Hey if you want you can lay on the other end of the couch and put your feet on my lap. I don’t mind. You must be tired from work.”

“I am a little tired, but I’m okay. I’ll just stay right here, if you don’t mind.” I could feel Hoseok tense beside me before he relaxed.

“I, uh, I don’t mind. Wanna put on another movie?”

“Sure. I promise I won’t pick something scary this time.” Hoseok chuckled, his chest rumbling against my ear. I felt so soft in that moment. His laugh was one of the things I liked about him. Even when he just chuckles I can’t help but smile at him.

“I appreciate that. I don’t know if I can handle another scary movie.”

For the next few hours we just sat and watched movies to pass the time. Occasionally making a game out of the movies to make them more fun. By the time the last movie finished playing it was almost ten o'clock. I was beginning to get more tired, but I was so comfortable laying against hoseok I really didn’t want to move to go home.

“Its getting pretty late (Y/N). Maybe you should be getting home.” He was right. It’d be smart to leave now before it became too late. The boys were probably on their way as well. I was just having too much fun being with Hoseok.

“You’re probably right. I have to get up a little early for work tomorrow anyways.” I sighed, sitting up away from Hoseoks side, before moving the cover off of me.

Glancing over at him I was a little surprised to see him staring at me with this look on his face that made my chest tighten. Hoseok smiled at me, handing me my phone off the table and my chest tightened some more once our hands brushed together. Hoseok was always attractive to me yet I only ever considered him like a friend. Especially when I was dating Yoongi.

“I guess I’ll be going now.” My voice came out almost like a whisper as we stared at each other.

“That’d be the best thing. Its getting late after all.” I nodded, but didn’t make any signs of moving. Neither did Hoseok.

He actually began moving closer, his hand that was on top of mine moving up my arm. Hoseok had moved so close now. So close all I had to do was lean forward just a little and our lips would touch. His hand was now resting against my cheek, warming my skin. I felt like I was floating. This moment didn’t seem real, but I almost didn’t want it to end. There was a nagging voice in the back of my mind that I couldn’t make out.

“(Y/N).” Hoseok whispered softly. My body shivered as his thumb stroked my cheek.

“Hoseok I-”

“Do you want me to stop?” His face moved closer, our noses touching at this point.

A part of me wanted to tell him to stop. That this wasn’t right. He was Yoongi’s friend as well as mine and we had only been broken up for a few months. Yet another part of me that had an attraction towards hoseok wanted to keep going. To see what it’d be like to kiss him. I shook my head, not having a voice to tell him not to stop. Hoseoks eyes seemed to light up just before our lips touched. Instantly I felt tingles as our lips moved against each other in sync.

Hoseoks lips are so soft, a lot softer than I thought they’d be. Sliding my hands up his back I grabbed onto the back of his hair, licking his bottom lip for entrance and he let me in without a fight. Our tongues pressed together, softly stroking each other, as I moved to straddle Hoseok. Things were starting to get heated the longer we kissed. Hoseoks hands were stroking my sides under my shirt and I hadn’t even noticed I’d started lightly grinding against him until he let out a soft moan.

“What the fuck!” My body froze at the sound of the door slamming closed and the familiar voice yelling at us. I quickly got off of Hoseok. My heart was racing a mile a minute.

“Yoongi! I thought you were staying at the studio?” Hoseok stood up from the couch, running a hand through his hair, as he looked everywhere but at Yoongi who was fuming by the front door.

I couldn’t help but to stare at him. He looked skinnier than the last time I saw him like he hadn’t been eating that much and if the dark bags under his eyes were anything to go by he hasn’t been sleeping that much either. Why did my heart hurt to see him so drained.

“I was, but I felt tired so I decided to come home. It’s a good thing I did too.” The earlier anger in his voice was now gone and replaced with the indifferent tone he would use when we fought.

“Look, Yoongi, it’s not what you think.” Hoseok said making Yoongi scoff.

“Well what I think is that my ex and one of my best friends are hooking up behind my back. Is that not true?” I still hadn’t gained the courage to speak up. I hadn’t seen him in so long and for this to be the way we see each other again was not how I wanted it to happen.

“We’re not hooking up behind your back.”

“Sure looks like it to me. Look you know what I don’t care. You two do whatever the fuck you want. I’m going back to the studio.” Yoongi glanced over at me and I don’t know if it was the sad look in his eyes or the fact that he was leaving, but I suddenly felt like I had to speak up.

“Yoongi wait!” Yoongi stopped, his hand just about to reach for the door and stood there.

“What do you want?” I flinched at the cold tone in his voice.

“We need to talk.”

“Too bad I don’t want to talk to you.” Yoongi opened the door, preparing to walk out again, but stopped last minute.

“Fuck it. Fine you want to talk, let’s talk.” I don’t think I’d ever seen Yoongi move as fast as he just did to walk over to me and grab my arm. He pulled me out of the living room towards his and Jimins room.

“Wait slow down Yoongi.” Yoongi threw the door open, pulling me inside then slamming it behind him.

“You want to talk. So talk.” He walked away from the door with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. Everything that I had wanted to say to him. Everything that I had kept bottled up inside of me for so long suddenly just vanished now that we were alone in the room.

“Don’t you have something to say? Aren’t you going to try to justify why you were about to sleep with my friend? Aren’t you going to fucking say something?”

“I wasn’t going to sleep with Hoseok.” I said softly.

“I doubt it. If I hadn’t have walked in when I did would you have stopped him?” I thought it over in my mind and realized that yes I would have stopped him.

“I would have. I never intended for it to go that far. I never intended to even kiss him. It just happened. Besides we’re not together Yoongi. I can do whatever I want.”

“You’re right. You can do whatever you want, but why with my friend?” Yoongi took a few steps towards me as he talked.

“I told you already it just happened! He’s my friend too!” I took a few steps towards him as well.

“You two sure look like more than friends to me. Why don’t you just admit that you like him. Probably have since we we’re together. I saw the way you two would look at each other. How long have you two been fucking each other? While we were together? Since we broke up?” I froze. I couldn’t believe he had just said that. Just accused me of fucking Hoseok while we were together. Is that what he thought of me?

“So that’s what you think of me? You think I’m some slut that would cheat on her boyfriend? You really must not know me then Yoongi. Is this why you would act like such an asshole to me? I can’t believe you. You’re such an asshole I can’t believe I was ever with you. You can go fuck yourself Yoongi. I’m leaving.” Turning around to make my way towards the door I didn’t even get halfway there before he was stopping me.

His hand wrapped around my arm, pulling me until my back was pressed against his chest. I just stood there not knowing what to do or how to react. I was angry at him, so angry, but I was sad too. Sad that we had gotten to this point. We use to be so happy together and now all we do is argue.

“I’m sorry (Y/N). I didn’t mean that. I’m just angry and hurt. I’m sorry. I don’t think you and Hoseok had anything going on. That wasn’t the reason I was such a dick to you.” A part of me knew that he hadn’t meant to accuse me like that, but that didn’t make the hurt go away.

“Then what was it? Why do we always fight so much Yoongi? What happened to us?” Yoongi didn’t answer me. He just wrapped his arms around my waist and pressed his forehead against the back of my head.

“It’s my fault. I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings and every time you wanted to talk all I’d do is push you away. Im just so stressed. Between making songs pretty much all day, practice and the tour we’re about to go on I’ve just felt swamped. That doesn’t make how I acted right. I should have just talked to you about things. I’m sorry.”

“Do you even love me Yoongi?” Yoongi tightened his arms around me more.

“Of course I love you.”

“It doesn’t feel like you do.” I said as I moved away from him. I turned to face Yoongi, tears filling my eyes as I looked at him. I was so tired of the constant fighting between us. Yoongi didn’t answer, just looked down to avoid my eyes.

“Why do we even bother trying? We’re not good for each other Yoongi. If this is all we do then we don’t need to be together and make each other miserable. If we can’t even talk to each other about our problems why bother.” Yoongi’s head snapped up to look at me and there was a fire in his eyes.

“I love you (Y/N). I’ve barely been able to sleep since we’ve broken up. I’ve hardly been eating. All I do is think about you. I’ve written so many songs about you since I can never get you off my mind. You have no idea how much I fucking miss you all the time. Every day I hate myself more and more for fucking up and walking out on you. Every day I regret it and I’ve been thinking constantly about how to win you back. I know I hurt you and ruined us, but trust me when I say I won’t make the same mistake again. ” Every word he spoke pulled at my heart while my mind screamed to just leave.

“I miss you too Yoongi. I miss you so much I would cry myself to sleep at night. We may have our good times when we were together, but there’s been more bad than good. Being with you is just so hard. If you’re not making music all the time then you’re gone halfway across the world or busy. I dealt with it cause I love you, yes I still love you, but I don’t know if I can do it again. Not if all we’re going to do is argue over stupid things. Not if you can’t talk to me.” Yoongi shook his head, his hands grabbing ahold of mine.

“This time will be different I promise. I won’t just walk away and shut you out anymore. There’s nothing I can do about being busy, that just comes with being an idol, but I promise to try my hardest to make time for you. Please give me another chance. I don’t want to lose you again.” I could tell Yoongi meant every word he said, but the hurt I still felt made me hesitate to try again. Then there’s the fact that I do have some feelings for Hoseok. The feelings may be small, but they’re there.

“How do I know that though? How do I know that you won’t push me away anymore? Communication is a big part of being in a relationship Yoongi. You have to talk to me when you’re stressed. When you’re upset about something you have to talk to me and not pick stupid fights over small things. I don’t want to do this with you again only for us to end up back like this.”

“I understand (Y/N). Of course we’re going to fight. Every couple fights that’s normal, but we’ll have more good times than bad times. I’m sure of it. You mean the world to me and when I left it felt like my world crumbled. Please just give me one more chance. I won’t fuck up this time.” That was the final thing I needed to hear from him to make all the doubt I had go away. I felt like a weight had been lifted off my heart. It would take some time for us to be the same in our relationship, but I was willing to give it another shot. My love for him was strong enough to try again.

“You know I really love you Yoongi. It’s going to take some time for us to get back to the way we use to be, but since you’re so willing to try so will I.” I could feel a smile make its way across my face as Yoongi pulled me into his arms, hugging me tightly to him. Happiness began swirling up inside of me the longer we hugged. I had really missed him. I missed hugging him and just being with him. Even with what happened with Hoseok earlier I knew being with Yoongi was what I wanted more.

“But what about Hoseok? You two kissed. Do you like him as more than a friend? I know he has some feelings for you whether he’ll admit it or not.”

“I’d be lying to you if I said I didn’t have a small crush on him, but it mostly came from how nice he was being to me while I felt hurt. He was there for me Yoongi. The kiss was nice, but it honestly doesn’t mean much to me I promise. It really just happened and it went too far even though I did like it. I’ll have to talk to Hoseok though. I need to make sure we’re going to still be friends after that.” Yoongi pulled away from me with a frown on his face.

“Did you like his kiss better than mine?”

“You want the truth?” Yoongi nodded his head, his body tensing up, as if he was waiting for the blow to his ego.

“Hoseok is a great kisser to be honest but there was no spark between us when we kissed. Though when I kiss you Yoongi I always feel like my heart’s going to burst with emotion. So I’d say your kiss is better.” I almost wanted to laugh at the satisfied look on his face. Even though I’d just lied about not really feeling anything in the kiss I knew it was for the best.

“I love you Yoongi. Don’t hurt me again.”

“I promise I won’t hurt you. I love you (Y/N).” Yoongi pulled me into another hug and I felt beyond happy. Yoongi’s hand softly stroked my face, his thumb rubbing against my lip.

“Are you going to kiss me already?” I asked. He smirked and shrugged as if to tease me.

“I don’t know. I think you’ve done enough kissing for one day. Don’t you think so?”

“Oh shut up Yoongi.” I said with a smile on my face as I pulled him towards me for a kiss. Just like I expected I felt nothing but sparks while butterflies filled my stomach. This was the right choice I could feel it in my gut. I just hoped things would be okay between Hoseok and I.

#bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts smut #bts fluff #bts angst #yoongi scenarios #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fluff #yoongi smut #hoseok fanfic #hoseok fluff #hoseok scenarios #hoseok smut #admin hobicat #masterlist #yoongi angst #hoseok angst

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plusultrachaos · 6 years

Text

i sometimes wish id never been born at all

prompt: dan, one day, wishes hed never been born. he is then visited by a "ghost" (another youtuber) who shows dan everybodys lives if he was never born. dan doesnt believe that anything is worse off until they show phils life which is simply a gravestone.

A/N: i did change somethings from the prompt. i also envisioned the prompt as something similar to the Scrooge.

word count: 2113

genre: angst and if you squint fluff

tw: there are mentions and a viewing of two suicides (the viewing is against dans will and is only on one of two suicides) there are mentions of depression and bullying. if this is something that could trigger, harm, or cause you pain of any kind, i recommend not reading this oneshot.

________________

its one of dans bad days. its one of the bad days where hes trying to be social, at least talk to phil some, maybe a bit of action on social media, before his inevitable departure from society and hopefully his own exsistance for a little while.

while hes browsing on said social media, he feels phil leaning toward him and picking something from under dans eye, pulling his hand away to reveal a small, thick eyelash.

"howd you even notice that, phil?" his voice was soft, fond, and holding no surprise at phils ability to notice the little details.

"make a wish and i might tell you." phil wore a teasing smile as he failed to wink, the corners of his mouth crinkling, showing the smile wrinkles that had developed as the years of their friendship passed.

'i wish i were never born' was the wish dan had made, he wanted to go hide away, hide the wish hed made in his brain to echo there for hours. everybodys lives would be better, easier, if he hadnt been born in the first place, all the haters wouldnt have to hate him in the first place. phil would probably be further in life. his family wouldnt have him as a disappointment.

"i have to go to my room." he looked at phil, whos face was still in sort of close proximity to his own face. he didnt say why, or what he was going to do once in there, but phil knew him well enough to understand why the younger man had been quiet the entirety of him being up and out of his room, why he hadnt laughed at a single funny thing that phil had shown him.

"okay. remember to drink water and come out of there when you need food, okay?" phils eyes held the usual, useless, concern that dan knew phil didnt actually feel. dan wasnt worth the concern and he definitely did not deserve the concern or a friend like phil at all.

he nodded, knowing that if phil didnt actually see dan out of the room to get food or water, hed personally bring the food and drink to dan. dan got up and numbly left the lounge for his room. he left his laptop there, knowing he wouldnt need it the next few days or so.

he collapsed on his bed, his thoughts going on about him being worthless and a disappointment, along with other degrading things. he turned his phone off, setting it on his nightstand. he curled up into a ball and became even more numb to the world. when he fell asleep? dan wouldnt have been able to tell you.

when dan woke up, it felt weird. it felt like what his lucid dreams used to feel like when hed been a kid. he also didnt feel as he did when he assumed hed fallen asleep, furthuring the feeling of this being weird and unusual. well, those things, and the youtube god himself, pewdiepie, or felix as hed told dan and phil to call him when theyd met up in the past, standing at the end of dans bed.

"felix? why are you in my room?" he was slightly creeped out. he only ever really saw felix at youtube events anymore, and even then, it wasnt much.

"i know who this felix person is, but i am not him. i am the ghost of youtubers past." felix, or rather the ghost, said, the voice was eerily similar to felix' and it creeped dan out further. "recently, youve wished for something along the lines of never being born at all, am i correct to say this?"

"yeah, but hold up, why in bloody hell are you in my -me and phils- flat? howd you even get in?" dan looked confused, he was staying as far as he possibly could be from felix, or the ghost or whatever the fuck it was, which meant he was huddled against the headboard of his bed. "what has my stupid eyelash wish have got to do with any of this?"

"daniel, im here to show you how your friends and family would have really been if you hadnt been born. you see, your thoughts after the wish, about everybody being better off without you, were mostly wrong. your family, that thought, was the only one that was partially correct. yes, if they didnt have you as their son, all of the things that you think they think of you would disappear, but they would have still had two children. your grandma wouldve been just as close with them as she was to you." then suddenly, at the end of the ghosts words, dans room transformed, his fairylights and comfortable bed morphing into something else. all dan could do was watch.

his surroundings had changed into a huge decorated and lit up christmas tree with wrapped gifts underneath. there were two children, a teenaged girl and a younger boy, perhaps a toddler, pulling at a christmas cracker. when the young boy ended up getting the bigger end of the game, the older sister said "happy christmas!" with fondness that made dans heart ache. the siblings looked close, and happy. happier than dan and his younger brother had been at those ages. it made dan long for that kind of relationship with the lad. it also brought a bitter taste and thoughts to dan. the girl, for obvious reasons, wasnt dan. their mannerisms very different, her smile lacking a dimple.

"yazzy, go help your mum in the kitchen." an old woman, that dan immediately recognized as his (or rather not his) grandma, walked in to the room. he hadnt visited the kind, aging woman in years, and seeing this made him feel guilty.

he turned to the ghost, tears forming and wetting his eyes. "can we leave? i already knew i was insignificant in their lives." he said this, his voice small as he looked away from the scene playing out before him. the ghost nodded and then they were in a different location once again.

it was his friend, louises current home. but it was empty, no baby toys or anything in the flat hed gotten used to being busy.

"louises success mightve been all her, but you helped in the process, being there when she needed a friend. she didnt have darcy because she never met her partner." the ghost said this with a grim look. dan looked around, sad eyes gazing everywhere. it was then he realized he hadnt rung up louise in weeks.

"fuck..." was dans whispered response to the situation.

the location faded again, taking them to a park. pj sat on the bench in front of dan and the ghost. he was talking to people that dan didnt recognize. "pj and chris never became a couple because you werent there to help them realize their feelings for each other." dan looked down at the ghosts words. they stung, knowing his friends hadnt gotten together just because dan hadnt been born.

" and chris? what would his fate have been if id never been around?" the ghost pointed at a man walking behind them, talking on the phone. he didnt spare pj a single look.

"without your constant encouragement, he dropped youtube. he got an office job and quickly climbed the ranks." the words sounded sad.

the location changed yet again, to a sight he never wanted to see again. they were in an unfamiliar bedroom, it was dark and there was an even darker silhouette hanging from a ceiling fan. dan feared the worst. the sight of it made dan want to curl into a ball. there was pounding on the closed door.

dan watched in silence, mouth open in a silent cry as the parents of the silhouette opened the door. the mother fell into the fathers arms, crying loudly. the father was frozen, terror shining in his eyes as he took in the sight of the cold and lifeless body. the room faded into a plain, white room that had no soothing qualities to dan.

"that was ben. in a world with you in it, he would have found the courage to come out as a transmale and gay. without you, he never learned of his parents acceptance. he wouldve committed suicide if not for your videos." the ghost said this softly, its eyes sad. "this is the sad reality of the fans. some are not in good situations and so they turn to youtube for an escape. without your videos, a lot of fans dont have that escape." dans face grew even more sad as he realized that had been the same reality that he had faced before becoming a youtuber.

"and phil? what would have happened to him?" this question had been on his mind the entire time they had been in this weird dreamland. the ghosts already sad face saddened even more and the scenery changed once again.

dan looked confused as his eyes wondered around the area. they were in a graveyard in the middle of the day. except dan couldnt see any services being held that phil wouldve attended.

"where is he? why are we in a graveyard?" his questions were frantic as he continued searching for the wonderous blue-yellow-green eyes and the dyed black hair of his best friend. then his gaze landed on the gravestone of the grave they were in front of. he dropped to his knees, his face blank as he read the stone.

Here lies

Philip Michael Lester

January 30th, 1987-June 22nd, 2012

He was loved dearly by fans, friends, and family.

"phil didnt have a number one fan to skype him to take his mind off his problems, to correct him when he thought of how weird he was and how weird everybody was bound to think of him."

"unique. phil is unique, not weird." dan corrected without hesitation.

"that is what i mean when i say that. he didnt have somebody to do that when youtube comments started telling him he was weird. he didnt have someone to be an iconic duo with. he killed himself when it all got to be too much." the ghost went quiet after telling that to dan, most likely letting the man grieve his best friend.

dan had started sobbing loudly. "n...no no no. take me home, this cant be real, this is not real." he whimpered, his eyes were screwed shut as he sobbed over the possibility of his optimistic, cheery best friend taking his life. he missed the transformation of the landscape, still sobbing loudly by the time hed been back in the comfort of his bedroom.

the ghost was no longer there and there was loud knocking. and to dans relief, phil called out his name with concern that dan was now certain was genuine. phil came in, rushing to the side of the monochrome bed to take the brown haired crying man into his arms. he knew better than to ask what was wrong right away, so he just held him.

"phil, promise me you wont believe people when they say hateful things toward you?" he asked this in a panicked rush, his words stuttered as he looked with terrified eyes at phil.

" i promise." phil held dan close, the sound of his heartbeat tethering dan to reality.

"i had a dream." dan proceeded to tell phil about what hed wished and then about the dream he had afterward. when he was done, phil held him. dan was still crying, but it had subsided a lot with the knowledge of phil being alive. "im sorry, phil. i know i shouldnt have wished for something so morbid and sad, but it was before an episode and i cant control my thoughts during those." he cuddled to phils chest, sniffling.

" dan, you know i love you. you know im always going to be here to support and comfort you." phils voice was soft and supportive, deep unlike what the viewers usually heard. "you dont have to apologize at all for the way your brain works, just like i dont. im glad you realized that that wasnt real, but i dont want you thinking that i wouldve been better off without you because i wouldnt be as far as i am today if i didnt have you by my side. dont ever tell yourself otherwise." he smiled his amazing smile that was saved just for dan.

dan leaned into phils chest, breathing in the comforting scent. he sighed as he realized that life would be better with him and phil still alive.

____________________

i did end up mentioning dans family, but i only did briefly dont hate me.

#daniel howell angst #daniel howell #phil lester #dan and phil #dip and pip #phanfic #phandom #amazing phil #danisnotonfire #phan angst #phan au #slight phan fluff

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