#grad gift series
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Playdate
(Graduation Gift Part 6)
Summary: (can be found on my masterlist under series) Natasha invites Wanda over to see you. When you’re left alone with Wanda, she makes good on a deal she made with Nat. >:)
A/N: So like. Listen. I know. I know. It’s been 2 years. I wrote this piece like a year ago. And this is NOT DONE. It’s NOT GREAT. Y’all voted for the rough edges version. Maybe I’ll edit or polish it later on. Also. I was getting a little gratuitous with Wanda using too many petnames and so I’ve used A SINGULAR PRONOUN for the first time in this series’ history. If I find a way to change it later to remove it I will. It’s they, by the way.
WC: 2.9k (wtf??)
CW: 18+ only, minors dni; series is dark but this is only mildly dark; reader is being kept in Nat's basement but they're like. fine with it??; smut; mommy milkers make mommy milk; cgl themes; sharing partners; dubcon; Wanda uses her powers to manipulate reader; mean Wanda (but only a little, as a treat); Wanda calls reader mutt, pup, etc; threesome; oral (R receiving); Wanda uses magic sexually on reader; no proper ending, sorry
“Baby, mommy needs to talk to you,” Natasha says, muting the TV. You turn to look at her expectantly, face as angelic as ever. She smiles. “Good baby. Now, mommy wants to have a friend of hers over,” she says.
“Upstairs?” you ask, confused. She’s had people over to the house for meetings before—why is she asking you?
“No baby, downstairs, in here,” she says, opening her arms for you to come sit on her lap. You do so, searching for comfort as the idea causes unease. “Oh, baby, it’s okay, don’t worry. She’s very nice.”
“But…” you fiddle with the hem of her shirt for a moment before bringing your thumb to your mouth and looking down.
“She already knows about you, baby,” she practically reads your mind. “She’s the one that helped mommy start making milk for you,” she hums.
“Someone knows?” you’re surprised and… something else you can’t quite put your finger on.
“Yes, baby. My best friend Wanda. We work together and she helps make it so I can stay home with you,” she taps the end of your nose, earning a small smile. “You know mommy doesn’t want to keep you down here all alone and locked up forever, don’t you?” she asks. It’s only half-true, but you nod anyways. “This is how we start, okay?” you nod again.
—
“Baby, I’m here with Wanda!” you hear Natasha’s voice as the lock clicks and the door opens. You get up on your knees at the end of the bed and wait for her with your arms up.
“Mommy!” you greet her with a happy exclamation. She chuckles and goes to help you out of the bed, but you cling to her instead, hiding your face from the brunette standing near.
“Aww, feeling a bit shy, are we?” Wanda’s voice is kind enough as she reaches out, patting your back gently. You flinch a little and Natasha instantly hushes you, rubbing your back where Wanda had touched you to soothe you.
“We’re just a little nervous,” Natasha says for you. “It’s been a long time since you’ve seen anybody but mommy, huh?” she asks. You nod against her.
She carries you over to the couch and sits with you on her lap, Wanda sitting on the other end. Natasha turns your head to face her and you examine your guest with your eyes, deep in thought. You notice she’s holding a stuffed animal in your favorite color. She sees your eyes land on it and smiles warmly.
“Hi there,” she says. “Your mommy said this was your favorite color,” you nod to confirm. “I thought it might be nice for you to hold,” she holds it out to you and you look to Natasha, who nods, before taking it. You pull it close, finally unwrapping yourself a little from Natasha.
“That’s so precious!” Natasha says, looking at the toy in your hands. “What do we say, baby?”
“Thank you,” you say shyly, unable to meet her eye. She smiles anyways.
“I’m glad you like it,” she says. “You gonna give it a name?”
“He’s gonna be called Dots,” you say, running your hand over the bumpy dotted texture of the toy’s fur.
“Dots. That’s a good name,” she says. You smile a little. “I know you’ve been down here for awhile with just you and mommy, right?” she asks. You nod. “What do you like to do together?”
“Um… I like it when we watch cartoons or play with my toys together,” you say slowly. “Mommy makes the best voices for my toys,” you smile. “And I like bath time, too, or when mommy lets me do her makeup. We do all sorts of stuff,” you tell her, smiling at Natasha, who brushes some hair out of your face.
“That sounds awesome, little one,” Wanda says. The petname sounds nice from her lips, making you smile bashfully.
The conversation drifts slowly to the two of them talking about work, occasionally making jokes to include you. You eventually grow comfortable enough to uncurl from your tiny ball on Natasha’s lap to sitting on her normally, playing with Dots and half-listening.
“You okay, Natty?” Wanda asks, and you look to your mommy to see her shifting a little.
“Yeah, don’t worry. Looks like we’re just a little late for milkies time,” she looks at you. “Feeling hungry, little baby?” she asks. You nod; you’ve been ignoring it in the hopes that Wanda would leave before it got unbearable. “Come on then,” she unbuttons her shirt some and unclips her bra on one side.
“But mommy—“ you glance at Wanda.
“It’s okay, baby. Don’t you trust mommy?” she asks. You nod slowly and let her guide you into position, your legs ending up on Wanda’s lap, who gently rubs her thumb on your shin. You squirm a little.
“Behave, baby. Don’t you want mommy’s milkies?” she asks. You nod, cheeks flushed. “Then be good,” she says firmly, guiding your head to her chest. You latch on a little less eagerly than usual, trying to ignore Wanda’s presence and touch. It’s easier with Natasha running her fingers through your hair, humming softly, but not so much as you feel Wanda’s eyes on the two of you like a hawk.
You’re inevitably slipping down into your uninhibited littlespace by the time you switch to her other side, grunting gently when the milk doesn’t flow at first and grabbing onto Natasha. She chuckles and hushes you, adjusting herself to help you in your efforts.
“Easy now,” she soothes.
“How precious,” Wanda coos gently, reaching over to brush your hair out of the way so she can see you better. You can’t flinch without letting go of Natasha’s chest, so you let it happen. She takes the liberty and strokes the back of her finger down your cheek softly.
“Isn’t my baby just the sweetest thing?” Natasha brags, “Come closer, Wans, it’s alright. A lot tamer with your mommy’s milk in you, hm?” Natasha speaks the last part to you as she pats the cushion next to her for Wanda to sit. They both move you as needed for her to get closer, your butt now in the virtual stranger’s lap and her arm resting on your stomach. You whine and look up at Natasha, about to pull away to protest.
“It’s okay, baby, you’re doing a good job,” Natasha holds you fast against her with a gentle hand and even gentler praises. “You trust me, and I trust Wanda. You’re okay. Just drink your milkies,” she placates you easily. You settle back into an edgy comfort and let yourself be held, trying to stay in your big headspace and failing miserably.
“That’s a good baby,” Natasha says as she both sees and feels the resistance leave you. When you finally pull off, she smiles at the little dribble on your chin and wipes it with her thumb before pressing it into your mouth. “Mommy’s got you,” she assures you as your eyes half-close, sucking on her thumb automatically. She coos softly at you.
“Such a good baby,” Wanda muses as she looks on.
“That’s right,” Natasha says proudly, making you blush a little. “See little one, Wanda’s not so scary, is she?” she asks you sweetly. You nod a little bit, earning a satisfied hum. “That’s my baby.”
“My mommy,” you say around her thumb, reaching up to touch her face. Her heart melts at the gesture and she leans down to kiss your forehead.
The tender moment is interrupted as Natasha’s phone rings. She pulls it out of her pocket, looks at it a moment, and then sighs deeply.
“I have to take this,” she says with reluctance. “Go to Wanda, baby,” Natasha pushes you fully into her friend’s lap despite your whimpering protests. Wanda’s arms wrap around you easily and hold you to her as you wiggle, reaching for your mommy to no avail.
“I’ll be as quick as I can, baby,” Natasha assures you, tilting your chin up and kissing you before going upstairs. You look at Wanda with wide eyes in silence for a moment.
“It’s alright, don’t worry,” Wanda speaks first. “Your mommy will be back soon, and she’s only upstairs at any rate.”
You keep staring at her mutely.
“This must be pretty new and scary, huh? And I can tell you’re feeling pretty little, too. But don’t worry, I’ve got you,” she says, voice warm and soothing. “Do you want to watch some cartoons? I know you like that,” she suggests. You nod. “Okay, cartoons it is,” she reaches for the remote and turns on the TV.
You ease considerably with the cartoons on, sucking on your thumb and cuddling Dots close. Wanda holds you and watches passively, wondering what’s taken Nat away so suddenly. She’s so excited to finally be meeting you, too, but trying not to scare you off with her eagerness.
“Want mommy,” you mumble after awhile. It’s rare for Natasha to leave you when you’re in your littlespace, and you are very much disliking it.
“I know, little one. I’m sure she’ll be back just as quick as she can. It won’t be long now,” Wanda assures you once again. She pulls out her own phone to shoot Natasha a text. It has been awhile…
Only about a bit more now. How’s my little baby? she responds.
Missing you, but mostly okay. We’re watching cartoons. I don’t know how long it’ll last though… Wanda informs her
What we talked about before is still on the table. Wanda glances up at you, oblivious, then looks down again.
Are you sure it won’t mess everything up? I haven’t made much headway in the trust department…
It’ll be fine, Wans. My dumb little baby can’t resist feeling good. Natasha’s words make Wanda go red and she shoots another glance at you. Luckily, you’ve still yet to notice.
Alright then. See you soon.
Wanda puts her phone away and turns her attention back to you. You’re babbling to Dots and pointing to the TV, as if trying to explain it to him. It’s absolutely adorable. Wanda watches sneakily, not wanting to interrupt and ruin the moment of pure innocence and cuteness.
“Right mommy—“ when you turn and remember it’s Wanda, not your mommy, who’s holding you, your bottom lip begins to tremble.
“Oh, no no no, baby, it’s okay, don’t cry little one,” Wanda rushes to soothe you, holding you closer and rocking you a little bit. “It’s okay, she’ll be back in just a few minutes, she told me so,” she tells you. You calm a tiny bit at that. “She even told me what to do while we wait for her.”
“R-really?” you sniff.
“Mhm,” Wanda hums, one hand coming down to rest on your tummy.
“What’d she say?” you ask, squirming on her lap a little. You’re feeling tingly, like how Natasha often makes you feel.
“Well, she said she worried your pretty parts might need some attention, and she said I can help you, since you’re just a little baby who doesn’t know how,” Wanda tells you soothingly.
“M-mommy said that?” you ask, trying to ignore the growing sensations in your lower half.
“Yup. She cares about you being comfortable and happy so much that she said I can help you instead of her,” Wanda says with a smile. “Isn’t that nice of her? You’re lucky, little one.”
“Mhm, mommy’s nice,” you say, struggling to put together the logical thoughts in your head that would can tell you what’s going on here.
“Aw, don’t think too much, little one,” Wanda coos, her other hand coming o to the side of your head and stroking your temple. As she smooths the hair there, it feels like she’s smoothing your thoughts, too. Little do you know she really is, but she figures what you don’t know won’t hurt you, right?
“When’s mommy coming back? I need her,” you say, a little dazed.
“Why’s that, precious?” she asks sweetly.
“I’m at all tingly. I don’t like it,” you squirm.
“I can help with that, little one,” her voice is like honey. “Just relax for me, okay? Wanda’s se gonna take care of you,” shepulls down your shorts and underwear, exposing your sensitive area to the air. You whine a little.like
“‘s cold,” you complain.
“I’ve got you,” soon Wanda’s warm hand has moved from your tummy down to cup your mound, quieting you. She reaches down further and starts slowly encircling your most sensitive bundle of nerves, making you sigh softly in relief. Something starts to poke at your entrance but you don’t know what.
“What’s that?” you ask, looking down. You see the hand between your legs encircled with glowing red tendrils.
“It’s alright, little one. It’s just magic, like I used on your mommy before. It’s perfectly safe. And it’ll feel really good,” she says, slowly filling your hole. You whimper softly at the stretch as her fingers continue to work your clit. “How’s that?”
“Good,” you breathe, opening your legs more. She smiles.
“That’s a good little baby, spread those legs nice and wide for me,” you heed her suggestion, letting them fall open to give her more access. “Perfect.”
She gracefully works up to a rhythm that has you whimpering softly with each thrust, clutching tightly to Dots. The hand at your temple moves down, allowing her thumb to play at your lower lip. You open your mouth eagerly, wanting to take it into your mouth, but she doesn’t let you. She simply teases your lip while your mouth hangs open, panting heavily.
“So damn precious,” she says, her voice husky. She leans over to see your hole clenching around red-tinted nothingness and bites her lip. “Feeling good, little one?”
“S-so good, Wanda,” you stutter, twisting and panting.
“Look at you, panting like a little doggie. Is that what you are? Are you a dumb little pup for me?”
“I-I-“ you don’t know how to react. Her words are nothing like Natasha’s, but they’re making your body feel the same way. You give a small whimper of confusion.
“Aw, too dumb to even know what you are,” she says with mock sympathy. “It’s okay, good puppies like you don’t need to think, just let me do it for you for now,” her voice is soft again.
“I-I can’t-“ you gasp, somehow feeling overstimulated before you’ve even had a single orgasm.
“You can. Be a good pup for me,” she encourages sweetly.
The door opens and you both look over to see Natasha at the door, who grins at the sight before her. She quickly comes to your side, smiling at Wanda and exchanging a few looks before looking down at you. She smooths some hair out of your face.
“Mommy!” you whine loudly, one hand leaving Dots to clutch at hers. You hold it to your sweaty face, her touch cooling, and whimper as you lean into it.
“Aww, looks like you and Wanda are getting along just fine,” she says. “You’re being such a good baby for Mommy’s friend. Do you feel good?”
“Yes mommy, feels so good, so good—can’t th-th-“ you whine desperately.
“Dumb little mutt can’t handle what I’ve got to give,” Wanda chides. “But they’re trying nonetheless,” she shifts you around on her lap so Natasha has an unobstructed view of your cunt as she uses her powers to press into your every crevice.
“Isn’t that a sight,” she breaths softly, getting her face in close. “Move your finger. I wanna taste my baby,” she instructs. Wanda obliges, focusing fully on her magic while Natasha begins licking and sucking at your clit harshly.
“Mommy!” you cry out. “Mommy, Wanda, I can’t, I can’t—“
“You’ll take what’s given to you like the good little slut you are,” Wanda cuts you off firmly, a particularly hard thrust punctuating it. “If you come nice and pretty for us, maybe we’ll be nice and give you a rest,” she says. You glance down to Natasha between your legs.
“Yes, baby, you can come. Come for us, all over me,” she pauses to say before diving back in.
It feels like her and Wanda have just increased their efforts by tenfold, making you cry out even louder than before, tongue hanging out as you pant heavily. It’s all too much—you can’t last much longer like this.
“Please!” you whine.
“Come on, you can do it baby,” Wanda says softly, encouraging you over the edge. “Be good and make a mess for us.”
The coil in your body snaps at that and your back arches as you scream, lifting your torso up off of Wanda’s lap as your hips buck.
“That’s it, that’s it baby, so good for us, for mommy and Wanda,” Natasha is your beside you in seconds, kissing your face and rubbing your tummy soothingly. You whimper softly at her kisses and your body calms down enough to return to Wanda’s lap. She too is praising you, petting your head in reassurance. Tears brim in your eyes and threaten to fall, but Natasha catches them.
“It’s okay baby, mommy’s got you now, we both do,” Natasha soothes. “You’re alright now, you did so good.”
“Did good?” you repeat hazily.
“So good,” Wanda confirms.
to be continued…
And that’s it, I’m sorry. If I don’t post it right now as it is I’m just not going to do it again.
read the rest of grad gift here
#natasha x reader#Natasha romanoff smut#mommy!natasha#soft!dark!natasha#Natasha romanoff#marvel#grad gift series#soft!dark!mommy!natasha x reader#smut#x reader#x gender neutral reader#x trans reader#if you want#kidnapping#writers on tumblr#fanfic#gg au#gg6#noah writes sometimes
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Ko-fi thank-you sentences for an anon; a fake cryptid and a real romantic.
“I think I’m gonna try making him a ruby and do that in a trilliant cut,” Superboy says decisively, which isn’t necessarily much progress towards “normal” friend-making but again, Clark doesn’t want to discourage either a hobby or a creative outlet for the kid. Or just literally anything that isn’t about being a superhero, even if the trilliant cut resembling the S-shield and making friends with a vigilante are only sort of “not about being a superhero”.
Look, the kid’s six months old and was educated by ethically bankrupt scientists and absolutely exhausted grad student interns, absolutely none of whom had either normal childhoods or an interest in instilling any semblance of “normal” in their cloned Superman’s head. Clark’s not going to be picky here, he’s just gonna meet him where he’s at and go from there.
Superboy has some unfortunate difficulties understanding the difference between celebrity attention versus genuine admiration and things like that, and also an unfortunate tendency towards causing a lot of unnecessary property damage and jumping to conclusions and temper issues, but he tries, and he clearly does think about things. There’s just a lot to figure out in the world, and he’s had to do it in speed-run mode and while being an active superhero.
Really, Clark thinks the kid’s doing a lot better as a superhero than he would’ve done at his “age”, and he’d actually been that “age”. Superboy is frankly just about the best-case scenario that could’ve come out of a situation like Cadmus and also mercifully only seems to be minimally traumatized by the sorry excuse for a “childhood” he was provided, so . . .
“That sounds nice,” Clark says, smiling at him. “I’m sure you’ll do a good job with it.”
“I’m gonna do a good job with it if it fucking kills me,” Superboy says, looking determined, which seems like a lot of intensity to put into making a gift for a friend, but again: six months old and educated by ethically bankrupt scientists. Clark is going to stick with the “meeting him where he’s at” approach.
“Just do your best to start, maybe,” he says wryly, reaching over to pat the kid’s shoulder. Superboy grins at him, his expression turning pleased.
“I will!” he says. “Wanna see some of the test ones?”
“Sure,” Clark says, figuring Superboy will just–
Nope, no, Superboy just immediately stuck both hands into his jacket pockets and came up with two big fistfuls of a good dozen high-quality diamonds done in trilliant cuts. Very large diamonds.
Heavens to Betsy, Clark thinks a little faintly. That is . . . that is so many diamonds for Superboy to just have in his pockets. They weren’t even zipped shut! They weren’t even buttoned!
Superboy lays his series of diamonds all out in neat little rows on the ledge, because there are enough of them to require multiple rows, and then reaches back into his pockets for a few more, because of course there are more. Clark continues to feel vaguely faint and has absolutely no idea how to point out how much money this is. Even at lab diamond rates, this is so much money. Just–so much.
At this point in his life Clark has seen entire planets made of diamond, mind, but he still grew up in smalltown Kansas as a farm kid, so there’s something about seeing quite this many virtually flawless ones just laid out on a Metropolis rooftop the same way he would’ve shown off his POG collection to his friends as a kid. Even the damn cuts are just shy of perfect.
Well, at least Superboy’s enjoying his first hobby, he supposes. But also, Jesus H. Christ.
“They look good, kid,” Clark says, smiling at him encouragingly. No need to take the wind out of his sails, obviously. Though seeing them now, it does occur to him to wonder–“Where did you get the tools?”
They must be good ones, because honestly he really wasn’t expecting results this good–or even half this good–from a six month-old teenager. Superboy could definitely ruin De Beers’s day with those.
Or their industry, again.
. . . well, it is De Beers, so . . .
“Oh, I don’t have any,” Superboy says, shaking his head. “I just use my TTK.”
Clark . . . pauses, for a moment.
Clark pauses for a long moment.
“Tactile telekinesis can cut diamond?” he asks carefully. “This precisely?”
“Yeah!” Superboy beams proudly at him. “Cool, right?”
Clark looks very, very closely at the diamonds. The cuts on them are practically atom-sharp.
Alright then, he thinks to himself even more carefully.
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hot & heavy
epilogue: our love is going gold
neighbor!joel x f!reader
series masterlist
series rating: E (18+ MDNI)
series summary:
over the course of three summers, joel miller becomes woven into your life. the first summer is spent falling for him; nannying his daughter and sneaking around with him in a burning love affair. you know how you feel about joel, he isn’t so sure about how it all is gonna work. the second summer is brief. a month spent at home after graduation and before you move to boston for your dream job. one look at you, one time hearing your voice, and joel is hooked again. he pines over you for that month, but you think — how is long distance of over a thousand miles going to work for a single dad? the third summer, you return home burnt out and pride bruised from your post-grad life. you need time to feel at home again, like your complete self, so you’ve come back home with no return ticket booked. it’s only a matter of time before joel seeks you out, slowly spending more time with you. without an inevitable end to the summer looming over you both, what chances are you willing to take?
word count: 17.2k (but she's done. like done, done.)
warnings (**SPOLIERS**): NO OUTBREAK (don’t need to worry about the mushies), no use of y/n, inexperienced reader, age gap (joel is 30/31, reader is 22), canon-divergent (sarah is now 10 y/o), nanny au, pet names (sweetheart, darling, sweet girl, mariposa, etc.), established relationship, engagement, marriage, alcohol, eating, very lovey romantic, polite southern manners, spanish/spanglish cause joel is latino, soft joel, domestic joel, WIFE!! GUY!! JOEL!!, discussion of parenting, step-parenting, struggles with conceiving, negative self talk and image, smut, soft dom joel, fingering, oral (f receiving), joel worships the ground his wife walks on and also her body, praise, unprotected p in v (they're tryna get pregnant, not you!), breeding kink, sort of nursing kink? joel is briefly obsessed with your tits and makes comments, mating press, a flash of cumplay, the BRIEFEST mention of daddy kink, joel really wants to give his wife a baby, pregnancy, a mention of giving birth, girl dad joel, CUTE FAMILY!!!
also this is the song mentioned <3 it's a fave of mine and i think very joel & mari
a/n: this has been a doozy but happy to hand this over to y'all. this is simply what i envisioned for their future, and if you had different thoughts, i would love to hear them! <3 or if you have any headcanons for their life beyond this, drop them in my inbox! this fic and these characters are my children and i love them very much. will probably keep them alive somehow. and thank you to everyone who's read this series, you are all so special to me and have sincerely made me feel so much more confident in my writing!
as always, thank you thank you thank you @northernbluess for beta-ing, couldn't do it without you! and this extremely long ending is dedicated to el and kiwi @kiwisbell you are my hype people fr
i feel like i need to say like signing off on h&h now lol so this is me doing that & closing the book!
** this is set over three additional summers post-main story **
first of many
After the holidays, it was an easy decision to move in with Joel and Sarah. The Millers had joined your family for their annual, lowkey celebrations; spending Christmas Eve with Joel and Sarah, it was a treat to witness him playing Santa after Sarah had gone to bed. Only a few curses under his breath putting together the new dollhouse she’d requested from St Nick, the other presents from her father, and your gifts to her carefully wrapped under the tree. The two of you split the plate of cookies while watching A Christmas Story, you and Joel taking turns mumbling the words to the iconic scenes under your breaths.
The next morning, your heart was overwhelmed with the love that you hold for this family that has welcomed you in and made you a part of it. Sarah gifted you a photo frame that she’d made at school, painted with flowers and butterflies, and a photo of the three of you from the trip to the apple orchard you’d taken that fall. Once Sarah was occupied with her new treasures, gifts were exchanged between you and Joel. Requesting to gift first, you stand up from the couch and tiptoe around Sarah and her new dolls sprawled across the floor to the front hall closet and retrieve a brand new, custom acoustic guitar.
Sitting back with him, guitar placed into his hands and his eyes combing over it, his lips part with a gasping breath when he notices in the inlay of ‘SME’ for his daughter’s name, Sarah Elena.
“The old one in the corner of your room was lookin’ a little worse for wear, and I hadn’t seen you play it in a while…” you trail off in the silence, waiting for his response, “Do you—do you like it? Is it the right kind? I tried to match it the best I could to the one upstairs.”
“Oh, Mari baby, I love it. It’s beautiful, thank you so much…” He shakes his head, taking another sighing exhale in appreciation as he turns it in his hands. “Hadn’t played the other one 'cause it wasn’t quite playable anymore. Restrung it a few too many times, the wood was warped from some water damage. The perils of having a toddler around years ago. This is…it’s perfect, Mariposa.”
You beam, shifting in your seat and anxiously fiddling with your fingers. Joel sets the instrument down next to him carefully, turning back to you. He leans in, kissing you delicately and whispering another ‘thank you’ against your lips, “Guess m’gonna have to serenade you now.”
“Oh, yeah, J. I expect one nightly,” you playfully respond, kissing him again before he pulls away, his turn to stand from his place on the couch.
He wanders over to the tree, plucking the last wrapped gift from under it, and returning to sit next to you. Handing over the small rectangular box, you unwrap it gingerly, glancing at Joel’s knee bouncing. You gently set your hand on it, smiling at him which he returns, biting his lip to channel his jittery energy. Opening the box, you’re met with the shining gold links of a beautiful charm bracelet. Your eyes wander over the small icons, feeling your chest tighten with love as you take them all in: A small ‘S’ with a ruby-colored stone at each end of the curve, a matching ‘J’ with a sapphire embedded into it right next to the ‘S; there’s a tiny gold key, nearly identical to the one he had given to you those three summers before for your job that started it all; a tiny set of longhorn antlers that is reminiscent of home; a lighthouse that reminds you of one you visited while living in Boston, a day you had documented and sent Joel some of the photos in the mail to recap your time. It was a day you had been happy there, and it made your heart ache that he remembered that. The last charm on the bracelet is a butterfly, bejeweled with kelly green stones, the color of the leaves that you told him were your favorite years ago. The ache in your chest is worked out of its knot with Joel’s hand at your back, a gasping breath as you blink back tears.
Clearing your throat, your watery smile has a flash of worry crossing his eyes before you hand him the bracelet you’ve taken out of the box, lightly requesting, “Will you put it on for me?”
Joel nods shyly, taking the dainty piece in his hands, and hooking the clasp around your wrist after a few tries. You both admire it, your smile growing wider and his matching yours.
“Merry Christmas, Mari baby. I love you.”
“Merry Christmas, J. I love you, too.”
Now, months later, the bracelet on your wrist glints in the sun as you hold onto Sarah’s hand, letting her lead you around the atrium filled with butterflies. Spending the day at the same farm you three had visited summers ago, and had kept up with the tradition with the summers following, you picked an abundance of strawberries, wandered through the nature paths, and now ending the day at the youngest Miller’s favorite spot.
Sarah wildly points out the different types of butterflies, the encyclopedia book of the insect’s species that you had gifted her for Christmas coming in handy for today as she reads the small signs of each patterned, winged creature, adding in her tidbits that she remembers. A grin stays plastered on your face as you listen intently, paying no mind to Joel trailing behind the two of you.
Giving your lessons on the flora that you know of in the gardens, Sarah listens to you as well. Stopping in front of the small waterfall, surrounded by tropical plants and flowers, the two of you go back and forth in fun facts about plants and butterflies, unaware as Joel saddles up behind you. Sarah glances back over her shoulder and grins, the expression reading as knowing and mischievous. Before turning around, you start to warn Joel behind you playfully, “J, if you’re even thinking about pushing me or splashing me, I will ki—”
Your breath catches when you finally face him, eyes dropping to meet his; the backpack he’d be adamant about carrying all day is at his feet, unzipped, and in his hands is a small, forest-green velvet box. Joel rests on one knee, a soft but bright, devoted smile on his face.
“Oh my god…” It comes from your lips as a whisper, your free hand reaching up to cover your mouth while the other continues to tether you to Sarah at your side, her small giggle hitting your ears as Joel glances at her, sending her a wink.
Eyes back on your face, Joel clears his throat, adjusting himself on his knee as he takes a deep breath, “I have been trying to figure out exactly what to say, and I can’t seem to find quite the right words that tell you exactly how I feel about you. I love you, so much, Mariposa. The second you entered my life, that time I saw you for only seconds in your backyard while I was touring the house, I knew I had to meet you. And then the first time I met you, well, I knew that you were who I needed.
“I’ve been walking around blind, trying to figure out life for years, and moving next door to you, that was the last piece falling into place. You have made my life, and Sarah’s life, a million times better. And while these past few years haven’t been picture-perfect for us, we made it through, and I know that we can take on anything that comes our way. Eres el alma más hermosa que he conocido, y soy muy afortunada de tenerte. (You are the most beautiful soul I have ever met, and I am so lucky to have you.) I’ve been waiting for years to do this, Mari baby, and I can’t have any more summers pass by without you being mine. Tú eres mi media naranja. (You’re my soulmate.) I love you. Te amo, Mari. You’re my soulmate, sweet girl, and I can’t take another day without the promise of forever. Will you marry me, Mariposa?”
Without hesitation, you nod your head frantically, your tears that started falling as soon as Joel started speaking continue to flow. You uncover your mouth, squeezing Sarah’s hand and sharing a smile with her before she takes her hand away.
“Yes, oh my gosh, Joel…of course, of course, I’ll marry you. I love you so much, J.” You squat down in front of him, left hand trembling as you hold it out for him. He carefully takes the ring from the box, and Sarah, ever the helper, takes it from the spot where it rests on his knee for safekeeping. The delicate gold band slips onto your finger, embellished with clusters of tiny gems and centered with an emerald cut diamond. It’s perfectly you, and you can’t wipe the smile off your face as you watch Joel settle the piece of jewelry on your finger. Both of you take a deep breath, admiring the sight before your eyes find each other’s again, matching expressions of complete admiration. Your hands find his cheeks, pulling him in for a tenderly passionate kiss, attempting to breathe all the love in your chest into the kiss and his heart. Joel pulls away first, resting his forehead against yours for a quiet moment.
“Thank you, J,” you whisper, and his head tilts with curiosity.
“For what, baby? I think I should be thankin’ you for sayin’ yes to me.” He chuckles and rubs his thumb at the back of your hand, skimming next to the band of the new addition.
“Everything. For not giving up. Your patience when I was still finding my way back to you. How effortlessly you’ve welcomed me into your life and your family…” Cheating your body away, one hand reaches out to pull Sarah into the small huddle, reuniting the moment within your unit of three, “I just—I can’t wait for all my summers to be spent with you both.”
“I can’t wait either. This is gonna be the first of many, Mari baby.”
And the two of you really couldn’t wait.
Only a week after Joel was down on one knee, your family was throwing you an engagement party. Tommy, a few of Joel’s close friends from his contracting company, your college friends, and neighbors were all in attendance to celebrate the two of you, and it was a big to-do. Drinks flowing, music playing, and food was being passed around. Everything under the warmth of a Texas night and the strung lights across the stretch of your parents’ backyard. Joel was glued to your side the entire night, hand on your back or clasped in yours, grabbing your refills and whispering in your ear to make you laugh.
“So…are all of these people coming to the wedding? ‘Cause I can count about half that I have no idea who they are.”
To that, you whispered back, “I don’t know them either, so definitely not. Unless they wanna buy us the most expensive thing on the registry.” Joel laughed, squeezing you closer — if it were even possible — and pressing a kiss to your temple.
Later, once you two were far past tipsy, Joel mumbled against your ear, barely able to get the words out without drunkenly giggling himself, “D’you think Mrs. Clarke is thinkin’ m’the one that got away?”
You couldn’t contain your laughter, bursting out in the middle of the conversation happening around you two, quickly covering your mouth as the lingering hiccups escape, “I think she’s singin’ the blues about you, Miller.”
The rest of the evening was filled with small moments between the two of you; never left alone long enough to have a full conversation on your own. Whispers of love and affection breathed out, fleeting kisses exchanged. It wasn’t until the party was over, everyone dwindled out the door and back to their homes, that you and Joel took a beat to speak to each other in more than one sentence. The early hours of the morning had crept in without anyone quite noticing, and Sarah was knocked out, brought inside to sleep in your old bedroom around 10pm when she couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore. Joel now held her in his arms, her head laying on his shoulder while the three of you walked the short distance home. After your quiet goodnight to Sarah that went unheard by her sleeping self, Joel put her down, taking off her shoes and leaving her undisturbed to sleep in her clothes.
Back in the ensuite of your, now, shared bedroom, you’re lazily getting ready for bed, movements slower and lagging from the alcohol you consumed. Joel stands behind you, facing your reflection in the mirror and giving you a smile as the exhaustion catches up to him.
“You have fun tonight, sweet girl?” His vocal cords rub together in a fry, hands finding their place on your waist and drawing you back into his chest. Littering kisses at the back of your neck, he hums contently before you affectionately shoo him off to brush his teeth while you apply your skincare.
“‘Course I did, J. Spent most of the night with you, how could I not have fun?” You grin at him from in front of your side of the double sinks, gently rubbing in your moisturizer. “Have you given any thought as to when you wanna set a date for?”
Whatever he responds is muffled by the foamy toothpaste, your face twisting in confusion before he leans over and spits out, rinsing his mouth and toothbrush. Standing back up, he rests his hip against the countertop while facing you, shrugging as he smirks slightly, “As soon as possible. Baby, I’d get married to ya in a garbage dump if it meant we could get married right this second. No puedo esperar para hacerte mi esposa. (Can’t wait to make you my wife.) And I know you don’t want that, and I want to make you happy, so whenever you want, Mari. Lo que sea que desees, lo haré realidad. (Whatever you wish for, I’ll make a reality.) But I will say, summer’s kind of our thing.”
A gentle smile stretches across your lips as you step closer, hands coming to rest on his chest and massaging your fingers gently into the muscles there, “Well, how about we do this summer? I mean, I don’t want anything fancy, just something special for us. Thought maybe we could do it here, in our backyard and my parents’. Where we met and fell in love and broke up and fell in love again and—”
“I love that idea, sweetheart. Think it’s perfect for us…” Joel punctuates his work by stealing a kiss, mint and strawberry lip balm melting on his tongue when he deepens it only for a few seconds, “Think we can manage for Labor Day weekend, mi amor?”
Nodding confidently, your hands skate up to his shoulders, pulling him down for another kiss, “I believe we just set our wedding date, Miller.”
“Damn right, we did, Miller.”
A whirlwind of planning and three months later, you now stand in your childhood bedroom on the second floor of your parent’s house, admiring yourself in the full-length mirror standing in the corner. Your mom had helped you with your hair, a small gold barette holding one side away from your face; your makeup was fairly minimal, fresh, and bright, but nothing too heavy that would melt in the heat that has graced Austin this weekend.
On your wrist is your charm bracelet from Joel, a simple gold locket to match that your father had gifted you the evening before at the rehearsal dinner — it has belonged to his grandmother, and now your grandma wanted you to have it since she couldn’t make the trip down due to her age. It was your ‘something old’ he said, playing into the old traditions that seemed to charm your entire family.
Your ‘something borrowed’ was a pair of white strappy sandals from your mom, ones that she had worn to her rehearsal dinner when she married your dad. The title of ‘something new’ belonged to the charm hanging off of your wrist that was hand-delivered to you this morning from Tommy, per the request of Joel since you both were getting ready in opposite houses. The gift box unveiled a gold lotus flower, hand painted with deep magenta petals. Inside the lid of the box was a folded note, the words written by your soon-to-be husband in his usual scrawl.
Mi amor,
Got to reading one of your books you leave around about plants, and they were talking about the lotus flower. Made me think of you — since they go back to the murky water each evening and open their blooms at the break of day. You always start fresh, sweet girl, you’re so resilient and strong and pure of heart. No matter what happens, you get through it. And you won’t have to go at it alone, baby. I’m gonna be right there with you through anything.
You make me a better man.
Te amo, mi media naranja.
J
You had to touch up your makeup after having read the note over and over for minutes straight, now fresh faced and eager to get downstairs. One last time in the mirror, you give yourself the once over, smoothing the long, full skirt of your linen dress. The ruched empire bodice lays across your chest, framing your neck with a square shape along with the cap sleeves. Simple, but it feels perfectly you. And now, you were finally on your way to get your something blue: Joel in his navy suit, waiting at the end of the aisle for you.
Everyone’s gathered in their seats, only a crowd of around forty people from your lives occupying the rows, all carefully selected to make the cut. It was easy for Joel, he had three people he wanted there for sure, and well, his daughter didn’t have a choice living right next door, plus with her dad being the groom, and you being the bride. The only chance of a wild card he had was Tommy, but he was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning despite the many shots he had the night prior. At the rehearsal dinner of all places.
Dressed and gaffed, he stands at the end of the short aisle after having walked down it hand-in-hand with Sarah, who was donning a lilac dress she picked out with your help and her hair in her natural, bouncy curls. She now sits next to Tommy in the front row, whose new girlfriend Maria is sitting on the other side of him, stealing peeks over the back of the seat to try to catch a glimpse of you at the top of the deck stairs. Joel is doing the same, eyes flickering from scanning over the crowd to tunneling at the opening of the stairs.
Music starts and it immediately tunes out of his ears, a tingle of excitement radiating from his chest throughout his body. A vision in white, you appear at the stairs with your arm linked to your dad, Mark; he isn’t paying attention to anything but you, captivated by your beauty. His heartbeat kicks up when you walk down, reaching the end of the grassy path between rows of chairs, and stopping for a moment. With the bouquet in one hand, you use the other that was resting on your dad’s arm to give him a short wave that he returns with a grin.
Each step you take brings up tears in his eyes, an overwhelming joy clenching around his heart. A few drop down his cheeks, using one of his thumbs to wipe away the streaks as you give him a gentle smile, speeding up your walk and dragging your dad along with you. The guests laugh at the eagerness, Joel rocking on the balls of his feet as he bites back his wild grin when you finally reach him. Exchanging hugs with your dad, Mark shakes Joel’s hand before clapping him on the back, a sure nod directed to him.
His hand slips into yours naturally, helping you with the last few steps to stand in front of him, exhaling a deep breath. A smile that he can’t wipe off stretches across his face, looking into your eyes as he lifts a hand to wipe his cheeks. You do the same, delicate touch against his skin while your gaze stays trained on his. Beating out of his chest, his heart thumps deeply, the wings of his butterfly fluttering madly in his gut in time with his heartbeat.
“Hey, Mari.”
“Hi, J.”
Everyone settles back in their seats, and your brother stands at the makeshift altar, a carved arbor handmade by Joel over the last few months frames the three of you in front of your guests. You turn to hand off the wildflower bouquet you put together to Sarah, eager to fulfill her responsibility of holding it during the ceremony. She grins, whispering to you loud enough for him to hear when she takes the arrangement.
“You look so pretty, Posey. I’m excited for you to marry Daddy.” Your hand reaches for her curls, squatting down in your dress to address her at eye level, unconditional love shining in your eyes as you look at his daughter.
“You look beautiful, Sare Bear. I’m so excited, too.” Other words are exchanged only between the two of you, a hug shared before Sarah retreats to her chair next to Tommy and you stand up and take Joel’s hands.
Chris ambles through an introduction, recollecting his version of events, as well as both of your sides, for how your relationship has progressed. Humor was laced throughout, laughter bubbling over throughout the crowd of guests, and especially between the two of you when you shared knowing expressions.
The ceremony moves quickly, with no religious elements to extend the length, simply secular. Before he knows it, Chris is reaching the vows, allowing a moment for Tommy to present the rings to each of you, clapping a hand on his brother’s back.
“Don’t fuck this one up, brother. Posey’s a good ‘un. Way too good for you—”
Joel cuts him off with a mumble and an eye roll, “I know all of this, Tommy, but thank you for the reminder.”
Chris directs Joel to go first, a deep inhale and extended exhale fills the air as you give his hands a reassuring squeeze. He flashes a smile at you before he drops one of your hands, finishing in his inside jacket pocket for the small slip of paper.
“I tried to memorize this, but we both know that wasn’t gonna happen…” he huffs out a nervous chuckle, reading over the page before his eyes come back to you, a patient and gentle grin on your face, “I genuinely hope you know how much I love you. I try to show you, to tell you, to make you feel it through osmosis every day, but I truly hope you can feel it. Through all that we have been through together and on our own, I have always had you in my mind. I thought about you every day you were away, and all I was hoping for was your happiness. I cannot tell you what it means that you have found your happiness with me, but I will be thanking whatever forces are out there for bringing us back together. Our roads may have been bumpy, and they may be in the future, but I’m so thankful to have you in my passenger seat. Cause we both know you don’t like to drive.” Joel winks and the crowd of guests laugh.
“I never want to let go. And I’m never going to let you go, Mariposa, I’m in it for the long run. Eres todo para mí. (You are everything to me.) You are everything I have ever asked for, hoped for, didn't think I deserved. You are…un alma tan pura (such a pure soul) and I don't know how you ended up with me, but I'm countin’ my luck every second of every day. I love you through anything, mi Mariposa, and I cannot wait for our future together, as a family. I’m so happy that you have found a place you belong with Sarah and me, and I feel so lucky that you have chosen me. Te amo, mi Mariposa. Siempre.”
Recovering from your tears, you choke out a small sob that tugs on his heartstrings, tightening his grip on your hand while his brow furrows softly in concern.
“Happy tears, I promise, J. Very happy tears.” Another sob comes with a burst of laughter, a hand of yours fanning your face. Joel reaches up, wiping away the stragglers, careful to not smudge any of your mascara. With a deep breath, you focus back, centered, offering Joel your left hand. He repeats the phrase from Chris, who recites it from his printed-out online ordainment course before slipping the simple matching gold band onto your finger above your engagement ring, ears ringing when he sees the symbol of his love and commitment on your finger, where it will stay for the rest of his time on this Earth.
Next, it was your turn to recite your vows, Chris pulled a piece of paper from his jacket and handed it to you. A giggle slips from your lips, wavering the small folded sheet, “Couldn’t memorize it either. Got too much to say…”
Joel relaxes in his stance, thumb circling the back of your palm as he listens, the butterfly wings fluttering into his chest and up to his head, love overwhelming his nervous system across his body. You clear your throat, looking up from the wrinkled white sheet, “I didn’t know that one summer spent at home would completely send me on a whole new life path, but looking back, I am eternally grateful that I wanted to mooch off my parents for as long as possible. That first summer, I fell hard and fast, and despite the obstacles, my love continued to root deeper inside of me and grow out new branches with every memory we made together. I am so lucky to have been welcomed so easily into the Miller household, and I cannot imagine my life with you or Sarah there right next to me. You both have brought so much into my life and thanks to you, J, I feel like I have truly found myself.
“I was always searching for what I was meant to do, who I was meant to be, and what I would leave behind in my life. And while I went out searching everywhere, the answer was my next-door neighbor. I am meant to be your person, I was meant to care and love and create a life with you, and your wonderful daughter, and I know I will leave behind all my love for you and our family behind. My success does not need to be measured by the reach of my impact, but by how deeply I love you. That is all that matters to me, to make you feel loved and supported and to know how incredible you are. You mean the world to me, and I love Sarah as if she were my own; both of you are my best friends and I could not do this life without you. I am so excited to spend the rest of my days, and the rest of my summers with you, J. I love you. Forever.”
The same routine goes for you, slipping a gold band around Joel’s left ring finger. He flexes with the new accessory on his hand, admiring it before he looks at you, a wide and wild grin crossing his face as he listens as Chris starts to ask him that very special question, “Joel, do you ta—”
“Absolutely I do. No question.”
Laughter rises from the attendees, and you, playfully roll your eyes. Chris nods shortly, chuckling as he turns to address you with the same question. He states your name, inquiring, “Do you ta—”
“Of course, I do. Only been waitin’ years for this to happen.”
Joel laughs, shaking his head as he mumbles a sweet agreement, “You and me both, baby.”
Chris drops the papers he was reading from next to him on the grass, clasping his hands together, “Well, that made it damn easy for me. With the power vested in me by apparently the state of Texas, but who really knows, I now pronounce you husband and wife. Now y’all can kiss finally.”
A hand presses against the small of your back, pulling you into his chest as he folds down, latching your lips to his in a deep kiss, all of his love pouring into the moment. It takes restraint to not take it further in front of everyone, your intoxicating taste drawing him in and quenching a perpetual thirst he has. You lean back first, fingertips digging into his shoulders to hold him off as you whisper, “Gotta keep some decorum until tonight, Mr. Miller.”
“Hard to do that with you, Mrs. Miller,” he rasps back, matching blindingly bright grins across your faces as you right yourself, turning to face your guests as your brother loudly announces.
“For the first time, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!”
With the low-key, intimate wedding that you both had planned together, there was no real formal separation of the ceremony and reception. Instead, everyone wandered over to the backyard of Joel’s home, which was now yours, too. There were rented tables set up with chairs around, no seating chart, and a checkered dance floor set up in the middle of the lawn. Lights have been strung from his deck to the tree at the back of the property line that holds Sarah’s tire swing, some lanterns strewn about to add more light as the sun sets in the later evening.
The family-favorite restaurant in the city that the three of you have frequented, even as friends, catered the meal, and your parents, ever so prepared, had stocked up all summer with booze. Your dad plays pretend bartender, getting your now-husband behind the tablecloth-covered folding table and pouring heavy drinks and somehow heavier shots. By sundown, everyone was liquored up enough to cheer for you both to have a first dance, chanting their request over and over.
Joel looks at you from his spot next to you, eyebrows raising in question. His hand at your back draws you closer, starting to sway to whatever song is playing as he grins with a looseness to him, relieved to have you as his for good and relaxed from the alcohol in his blood. “C’mon, Mari baby, I wanna dance with you. M’wife. I got the perfect song.”
“Okay, okay, you go tell Chris what song you want and see if he’s got it on his iPod.”
You push Joel along, giggling to yourself as he shuffles over to Chris, the makeshift DJ for the evening. Joel leans in, talking in your brother’s ear over the music currently playing. They exchange a smile and nod, Joel laying a hand on his shoulder and shaking it affectionately. His beer gets abandoned on the nearest surface, giddily running over to you and taking your hand. Impatiently, he pulls you to the center of the dance floor, and Tommy intercepts your drink before it sloshes all over the front of you, huffing out a disbelieving breath as you continue to drag behind Joel.
Your husband turns you in his arms, one hand finding your back as the other lifts your joined ones toward his shoulder, elbows bent. Everyone else clears the dancefloor as an upbeat guitar riff sounds out of the speakers surrounding the dancefloor, the bright drums kicking in as Joel starts to shuffle the two of you around the dancefloor, a swing to your movements again.
The familiar lyrics of Orleans’ Still the One that Joel has sung to you many times over the last year are recited right back to you, making you reminisce about the time you were driving in the car to pick up Sarah from camp, a rare afternoon that both of you had off together. The song had come onto Joel’s favorite classic rock station, perking him up in his seat as he turned the volume dial up.
“Oh, Mari baby, this is such a great song.”
Not as familiar with it, you listen, giggling as he sings along with his words pointed at you, and you had to admit, they were pretty sickly sweet. Ever since then, Joel got into the habit of singing it to you, learning to play it after he received his new guitar from you at Christmas.
Dancing with him now, under the sticky heat of the tail end of Texan summer, surrounded by family and friends, he makes you feel as if it’s only the two of you again like it was for every other moment before with this same song.
In your ear, he sings along only for you, pulling away and twirling you as y’all take over the entire dancefloor with how free and loose you’re playing it. “You’re still the one that makes me laugh…still the one that’s my better half…we’re still havin’ fun and you’re still the one.”
At the next chorus, you join him in singing along, laughing at his excitement, both of you singing along louder. The song reaches the guitar solo, and Joel takes both of your hands, swinging you out from his chest before pulling you back in; he spins you to cross your arms in front of you, and your back to his chest before twirling you out. On the last line, when the final word is dragged out, he wraps his arms around you, spinning both of you around until the final chord strikes, setting you down and chests heaving to catch your breaths. Wide smiles still find your open mouths, cheers and whistles from the guests gathered around the dancefloor, now filling the checkered floor as the next song plays.
Breathless, Joel grins madly, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly before asking, “Think we did pretty damn good for unplanned, don’t you, Miller?”
“Damn right, we did, Miller.”
The rest of the evening was all the same, a night spent with your closest family and friends all celebrating the two of you and your love. Both you and Joel shared a dance with Sarah separately, relishing in her unbridled joy and Joel comforted his daughter when she shed a few tears about how happy she was. Your dad pulled you for a short jaunt around the dancefloor, and Joel asked your mom for a dance, which she accepted happily as a stand-in for his mom.
More drinks flowed into glasses and out of bottles, your shoes kicked off and Joel’s jacket and tie discarded onto the back of a chair somewhere. Your cheeks ached from how much you were smiling and laughing the whole time, a weight lifted, the promise of forever with your favorite person now on its way to being a reality.
You both ceremoniously cut the small single-tiered cake that your mom ordered, serving the slice on a plate. Grabbing a piece with your hands, you cheers it with Joel’s, watching as his went into his mouth and laughing as yours went across his cheek. He feigned shock, shaking his head as he looked at you with a glint of mischief in his eyes, taking a step closer. A turn on the ball of your foot directs you in an attempt to get away; failing miserably, misstepping from your level of drunkenness, Joel catches you in his arms. Turning you back around to face him, he steals a purposefully sloppy kiss, buttercream smearing against your lips and chin, the taste of vanilla coating your tongue as it melts into the taste of Joel, whiskey, beer, and sugary sweetness from the dessert.
At the very end of the night, most guests in cabs home or retreat to their homes down the street, it’s left to your closest people. The last song of the night is announced by Chris, the same song that has come up again and again for the two of you trilling over the speakers. Everyone dances and sings along to American Pie, the perfect cyclical moment for the two of you, and the closing moment of your summer. Sarah dances with the two of you, laughing as Joel twirls her around, infectious smiles on their faces.
Your heart grows in your chest, nearly to the point of bursting as you take a step back in your mind, taking in all of the moment as it surrounds you. In the backyard of your new house, the next chapter of your life starts with Joel and Sarah; right next door is your childhood home, full of love and memories with your parents and brother. Even through the hardships, these places and people have never stopped feeling like home.
The song finishes with a flourish, Joel tucking you into his chest after he scoops Sarah into his arms with a soft groan. Sarah lays her head on her dad drowsily and he presses a kiss to her forehead, mirroring the same on yours; a mumble against your skin is barely heard by you, his drawl exaggerated by the liquor, “Mi Mariposa y mariposita. My lil’ Bug. Love my girls so much.”
Tommy slides sleepy Sarah into his arms from Joel after you two say goodnight to her, the younger Miller brother already prepared the arrangement for her to stay at his on the night of your wedding. You reassure her the promise to meet at Waffle House in the morning, which will likely be the afternoon with the state of the adults. Maria, the designated driver, and Tommy, much closer to sober than drunk than you were expecting, send another congratulations your way before they’re off to the car with Sarah.
After the necessary sweep of cleaning is done between you two and your immediate family, food, drink, and lanterns gathered, they part ways, taking everything back to theirs to deal with in the morning along with striking down the tables, chairs, and dancefloor. In the quiet of the early morning hours, you and Joel stand with your arms around each other, swaying gently. Cheek to chest, Joel’s voice rasps from overuse, vibrating your ear pressed against him, “Was it what you wanted, sweet girl?”
“Everything and more, J. I loved it,” you say as you pull your head away, tilting your chin to look into his eyes, “And I love you, m’husband.”
“I love you more, m’wife.” He shakes his head, biting a smile back, “Don’t think m’ever gonna get tired of callin’ you that, Mari.”
“Me neither. Gonna be callin’ you my husband instead of usin’ your name,” you flirt as your smirk grows and he wiggles his eyebrows, hand drifting down to the curve of your ass.
“Guess we better test that theory, baby.” He grins as he bends his knees, lifting you over his shoulder. His other hand rests on your ass to balance you, your hands pressing against his lower back as you shriek slightly from the initial shock. “Want the whole neighborhood to know m’your husband now. Even if they weren’t invited, so you better be loud, m’gorgeous wife.”
He walks you both up the stairs and through the backdoor, your snort echoing in the quiet of the night, pulling out the ol’ faithful from the early days with him, “Yes, sir.”
second nature
“What do you think about getting a dog?” you ask from your seat on the bed, propped up against the headboard with a book in your lap. Joel pops his head out from the en-suite, brow quirked as he continues to towel off his hair and laugh softly.
“Can’t say I’ve thought about it, darlin’.” He disappears again, hanging his towel on the back of the door before coming back out of the bathroom with a clean pair of boxers on, washed up from his long day on-site. “Have you been thinking about getting a dog?”
A sheepish grin stretches across your face, shrugging your shoulders as Joel gets into bed. He matches your position, leaning back against the headboard and turning his head toward you. He’s intrigued. If he wasn’t, he’d tell you that you could talk about it more in the morning, and then he would give you his honest opinion in the light of day. Never wanting to start a silly argument before bed, always attempting to keep the peace.
Which made him great at compromising. To what you wanted in the first place.
“I’ve been thinking it would be nice for Sarah. Like something to learn responsibility — teaching her to feed it on schedule and take it for walks and fill the water bowl.”
“Yeah, it’ll teach her that I’ll take on all those responsibilities when she gets bored of it,” your husband snorts at his own comment, making you roll your eyes playfully and scoot closer.
“Oh, c’mon, J. Don’t you think it would be fun to have a dog around? We wouldn’t even need to get a puppy if you think it’s too much. But I work at home nannying baby Amelia so I’d be around all day and then when Sarah gets home from school or camp, she can take him or her for a walk. And then feed it before you even get home. Oh! Or you could take the dog to work with you! How cute would that be, you could train him to grab your tools for you.”
A contagious smile brightens your face in the low lamplight, one that Joel can’t help but mirror on his own face. The eagerness is evident in your expression and your voice, and the proposition doesn’t seem like it would be too difficult of an adjustment. Shaking his head at your suggestions, he laughs quietly while reaching a hair up to smooth your hair away from your face.
“Are you gonna be the one to teach it what all the different screwdrivers are?”
An excited gasp exhales and you scramble to straddle Joel’s lap, “Wait, are you serious? You’re actually okay with getting a dog?”
Wrapping your arms around his shoulders, you lean back to look at his face. His hands find the curve where your thighs melt into your ass, squeezing gently. Always handsy.
“Yeah, baby, we can get a dog.” Joel groans dramatically when you pull yourself tight against him, hugging him while on hand rubs back and forth at the base of your spine. “I’ve got some conditions though.”
Unraveling from his neck, you stay perched in his lap, nodding fervently. “Anything. Whatever you want, if it means we get a dog.”
“Oh, anything?” he teases with another squeeze of your bum, laughing when you shoot him a look.
“Not what I meant, Miller. Get your mind out of the gutter.”
“Can’t help it with you, sweet girl. My mind’s always in the gutter around you.” The sentiment is punctuation with a tender kiss to your lips and one to your forehead. Calloused palms skate along your bare thighs, humming contently, “Conditions are: has to be a big dog. Don’t want one of those little white dogs or like something that’ll break if we have babies and they’re a little rough with it.”
The forethought he has for your future children warms your heart, and you agree immediately, “Deal. Didn’t want a little dog anyways. What else?”
“Gotta fence in the backyard. I don’t mind putting in a gate for us and your parents to easily go back and forth through, but I don’t want the chance of the dog gettin’ out when we’re all outside.”
“Totally understandable. I’ll even help you install the fence,” you offer proudly.
“That’s real sweet, Mari baby, thank you. You don’t gotta lift a finger though, I’ll bring some of the guys over and pay a little extra and we’ll get it done in a day, no problem.”
“Alright, so big dog, fence. Anything else you’d like to negotiate, Mr. Miller?” you mock a formal tone, turning your nose up. Joel laughs, tightening his arms around your waist and tugging you closer. Kisses press into your neck and along your jaw, pausing inches away from your lips as he makes his final request.
“Dog sleeps in Sarah’s room or downstairs. I like our privacy.” He smirks before kissing you deeply, easily flipping you onto your back and hovering above you. Your legs hook around his waist and he raises his eyebrows, “That all sound fair to you, Mariposa?”
“Absolutely it does. Guess we’re getting a dog, ri—” You’re cut off by his lips on yours again, pressing you further into the mattress with his body weight.
“Let’s save the rest of this for the morning,” Joel mumbles against your skin as he trails his mouth down your neck to your collarbone, “‘Cause right now, I think I’d rather get some pussy.”
He doubles over in laughter at his own joke, forehead pressing against your chest as his shoulders heave. Your fingers comb into his hair, unable to fight quiet chuckles of your own no matter how hard you try to not give him the satisfaction.
“God, you’re such a dork.”
The clock rolls to 3pm as you sit in your car, lined up along with parents of campers. Shrills of laughter and screams echo from the bright, primary-colored playground across the way, counselors attempting to corral the kids to lead them out for pick-up. Air conditioning blasts on you as you fan at the back of your neck, exhaling in the sweltering Texan heat. It’s only the beginning of summer, June barely having turned over, but the temperatures have reached record highs for the year already.
Your stepdaughter. The thought still makes you smile months on, the dynamic between the two of you falling naturally into a closer, more nurturing relationship. Little acknowledgments from Sarah have made your heart sing over the days; routinely saying goodnight to you along with Joel, asking you for permission to go play outside, seeking you out nearly as much as Joel when she has had a nightmare. The pair of you have built routines of your own before bed, you making a promise to Sarah to read with her and to show her your favorite books from when you were her age.
A few nights ago, Sarah had retreated with you to her room, at least thirty minutes before her bedtime to get in another chapter of Matilda by Roald Dahl. The main character reminded you of Sarah’s sweet and spunky personality, and you were so excited that she fell in love with the story and its characters as quickly as you did when you read it for the first time.
Sat up against her headboard, Sarah laid back in your arms and cracked open the novel where her bookmark stuck out, started to read aloud to you in the low lamplight. Mindlessly, you played with her hair as you listened to her confidently recite the words from the page. The day caught up to you, the peaceful moment pulled a yawn from your lungs. Sarah’s words slowed down, her eyes slowly blinking until they closed, which was your queue to slip the book from her hands and mark the spot, and laid it on her nightstand.
When you tried to slip out from behind her to leave her to sleep soundly, she stirred, mumbling the sweetest, “Will you stay for a little bit, Posey?”
And you had no choice but to oblige her request. After getting comfortable next to her, Sarah curled into your side and you pressed a kiss to her forehead, continued to play with her hair to soothe her back to sleep.
What you hadn’t realized was that you also drifted off in her twin bed with her, the lamp still on. Joel was watching TV downstairs, waiting for you to retreat down the steps as you do every night, but no sign of you after an hour had him standing up to go searching. It was quiet when he reached the top of the stairs, no telling giggles or loud whispers to give the two of you away.
He pushed open the cracked door of Sarah’s bedroom, and was met with a sight that squeezed his heart tight, a sigh exhaled from his lungs. You tucked right next to his little one, and both slept deeply. Without disturbing your rest, he tiptoed over to the nightstand, tugged the blanket up over both of you before he hovered above the bed to press a gentle kiss to each of your foreheads.
Lamp clicked off, he whispered to your unconscious ears, “G’night, girls. Love you two.”
It was a few hours before your usual alarm when you’d woken up, sore from the small space and glanced around the dark room to discover you had fallen asleep next to Sarah. Carefully slipped out from the covers, you tucked her back in and padded down the hall to your bedroom where Joel was sleeping, a soft snore came from him as he’d starfished out on the mattress. You gently shook him half awake to move him, and he groaned softly at the disruption before he tugged you into his chest and pressed a drowsy kiss to your shoulder.
“Was jus’ too cute to wake you up, Mari baby. My Mariposa and my lil’ Bug…” He hummed sleepily into your skin, hand gently rubbed circles in your lower belly while your eyes close, desperate for those last few hours of slumber. “Makes me so happy.”
“Me too, J. M’so, so happy she’s that comfortable with me. My baby best friend. And you’re my big baby best friend…” You breathed out an airy giggle and Joel protested weakly behind you, a gentle pinch to your side before you both exchanged a quick “love you” and drifted right back off.
The reminder of the sweet moment in the morning from Joel was the highlight of your week.
Climbing out of the car, the engine running and door open, you round the front bumper and stand on the curb to wait. You find her before she finds you, calling out to her to grab her attention, “Hey, sweet pea!”
Her familiar deep brown irises search for the source of your voice, landing on your face and waving excitedly. Sarah checks out with her counselor for the day, scurrying over to you with her backpack bouncing at her shoulders.
“Hi, Posey!”
She collides with your torso, her growth spurts finally starting over the last few months so the top of her head hits just at your chest, and nearly knocks the wind out of you. Patting her back, you laugh and pull her back to look her in the face, “Well, hello to you too, Sare Bear. How was camp today? You ready to go?”
After your greetings, she climbs into the backseat on the opposite side of Amelia’s car seat. You store her bag in the passenger seat with yours before retreating around to the driver’s side, heading off once both of you are secured in your seatbelts.
Flicking your eyes up in the rearview mirror, the two of you catch up, which mostly consists of her recapping the camp activities and excitedly talking about the pool day that’s planned for Friday. As you turn onto your street, Sarah’s brow furrows at the sight of Joel’s truck in the driveway.
“Dad’s home already? That’s weird.”
“Hm, I guess he is. Or maybe he’s just stopped by to grab something he forgot. You know how he is.”
Sarah laughs in agreement as you park your car next to his truck. Both of you get out and head in through the garage, straight into the kitchen where Joel’s standing at the counter eating a sandwich.
“Told you, Sare, stopped by ‘cause he forgot something. Lunch.” You send him a teasing grin as you deposit Sarah’s bag by the door and kick off your sandals. She does the same before wandering past her dad to the fridge in search of a snack. Apple doesn’t fall far.
“What? I can’t happen to drop in hoping to see my wife and my daughter in the middle of my work day? Do I have to have ulterior motives?” Joel speaks, words muffling around the bite in his mouth as you approach the island to stand opposite him.
“Dad, you literally always ask ‘What’s for dinner?’ or ‘What’s cookin’?’ after you say hi to us every day. Your motivation is always to get some food,” Sarah chimes in from in front of the fridge, laughing when Joel looks at her offended.
“See? Even a ten year old recognizes the pattern of behavior,” you confirm your findings, laughing as Joel grumbles to himself and pops the last bite of his sandwich in his mouth.
“Well, for your information, both of you, I am here for an entirely different reason than lunch and to see you two.” He crosses his arms in front of his chest, looking between the two of you with a mischievous smile on his face. “Why don’t y’all go look in the living room and then tell me if you wanna keep makin’ fun of Dad?”
Sarah excitedly starts off toward the living room, giddy about the surprise awaiting her. Your brow furrows and lips twist up in curiosity, eyes staying glued to Joel. He laughs and nods to the other room, a bright smile on his face.
“Better go see, mi amor. Think you’ll want to meet him.” Joel winks, your attention being pulled away when you both hear Sarah gasp from the living room.
“Oh my gosh! Posey, come here! Aw!”
That’s when it registers — the surprise, home in the middle of the day, the smirk, ‘you’ll want to meet him’.
“You didn’t,” you breathe out, head snapping back to Joel as he gives you a wide, genuine grin.
“Go! See for yourself.” He rounds the island and grabs your hips from behind, guiding your steps into the living room. Sarah’s giggles fill the room as the fluffy Bernese Mountain puppy stands in her lap and licks at her face. The small dog’s attention is pulled from her and over to you and Joel entering the room, a tiny bark sounding before he scampers over.
“Joel, oh my god, how did you—when—oh my god…” You kneel down to scoop up the little one into your arms and cuddle it gently, giving it pets before letting him run around again.
“Found someone who had a litter with their family dogs the day after we talked about it. And arranged to pick him up. They said he’s the energetic one, and that he’s gonna be a big boy. Like a hundred pounds.”
“Oh my god, he’s so sweet…thank you, J.” You beam up at him, waving him to bend down and steal a kiss, squeezing his shoulder.
Sarah’s playing with your new family dog, tugging with a rope toy as he fights back with his whole little body. “Thank you, Dad. He’s so cute!”
“What should we name him?” Joel asks as he lowers himself to the floor next to you, smiling as the puppy runs over. The two rough house, Joel easily flipping him over to scratch at his belly as the dog pants happily.
“Any ideas, Sare?” you ask, looking over at her.
She thinks for a moment before looking up between Joel and you, laughing at the tiny pup’s antics, “What about Goose? He just seems like one. Like a silly goose.”
“Goose? I like it, Bug,” Joel confirms, turning to you with a grin, “How about you, Mari?”
Nodding, you look at the new addition to the family, burning bright with happiness at your people’s excitement, “I think Goose is a perfect fit. And now you’re not outnumbered anymore, J. Two girls and two boys in the Miller household.”
Sarah laughs and lays down to cuddle with Goose while Joel moves closer to your side, wrapping an arm around you and kissing your head as he quietly whispers, “Hopefully won’t be too long before the boys are outnumbered again.”
“And what makes you say it won’t be us girls being outnumbered?”
“Call it father’s intuition. Wouldn’t know what to do with a little boy, bein’ a dad to another girl would just be second nature. Plus, I would want a mini Mari running around the world.” Joel presses a kiss to your temple before you turn your head, catching his pursed lips with yours sweetly.
“I’d take anything if it means havin’ a little piece of you forever, J.”
third time lucky
Negative.
A single line, bold and brash, stares back at you. Turning the plastic in your hands, you attempt to read it at different angles, the smallest bit of hope lingering for another line to appear — that it was a trick of the light that was causing your disappointment.
To no avail, the blue strip remains unaccompanied in the small window. A sinking feeling fills your body from your toes up. Everything feels heavier, except your lower stomach. That has never felt as empty as it is now.
Heavy footsteps thump a vibration in the floors, but your focus remains on a speck of dust floating in the light past your field of vision. His presence hangs in the bedroom, milling about, unknowing of what you were up to before he came in from mowing the lawn.
“Hey, baby, m’gonna take a shower and then we’ve got Sarah’s softball game at three. Probably half to leave here around two, her coach asked all the parents to be thirty minutes early for some reason…” Joel’s voice fades in your head as your thoughts start to yell, scream, fight, taunt inside of your mind.
A hard swallow pops your ears, the ringing in them growing louder as your mind begins to wander. The test is left discarded on the bathroom counter, with no heart yet to throw it in the garbage where the others have ended up. Your bare feet shuffle against the rug as you seek out solace under covers, even in the ninety-plus-degree heat. The springs of the mattress shift under your weight, lying on your side facing the opposite side of the bed that lays empty right now. The coverlet is pulled up over you, curling your fingers at the hem tightly, white knuckle grip to release some of the tension that has taken over your mind. You want to scream, cry, yell, question — but what you want most of all is to be able.
Why aren’t you able? Why can’t you do what your body is made to do, what it begs for, what it reminds you that you’ve failed at every month?
Joel stands in observation of you, careful distance, one hand lifting before he drops it. He can guess what this is about. What you’ve left behind in the en-suite. But to confirm his suspicions, he quietly walks into the tiled room, leaving his clean clothes on the counter while he picks up the test.
Negative.
His body sinks, toes up to his head, but with a gaping, empty feeling in his chest. There’s so much room left in his heart, room he is eager to fill with another part of you, another love, another soul to protect. Now, though, all of his emptiness is filled with an ache for you. You’ve been dreaming out loud for a year now, wonderings and visions shared with him late nights and early mornings — Will they have his eyes? You hope so, so that they look like their sister. Who’s ears would they have? What quirks will they pick up from both of you? Who will they grow up to be? How will we be able to contain our love for both of our kids?
Our kids. Joel remembers that night; after you said that, he couldn’t hold himself back, couldn’t contain his love for you. No hesitation that his own was yours now, too. All he wanted was to give you another, to see your belly grow and your smile brighten and your skin glow. He was begging for whatever power was in the universe for that time to take, for both of you to be gifted with what you wished for so often, so deeply.
Desperation. Wavering confidence. Sorrow, worry, dwindling hope. He saw it all over you, time after time when the single line appeared on the plastic sticks.
You and Joel had been trying for a year. A long year. Maybe your desire was too strong, too overpowering. But shouldn’t that be a sign of your love? For each other, for your family? All he wants to do is give you the life you’ve wished for. And yes, all you’ve said you want is a life with him, but anyone who meets you would be able to tell you are meant for a nurturing life. Meant for motherhood.
It was already natural for you, taking a ten-year-old in stride, making her into your best friend — making her a priority over Joel most of the time. He knew it didn’t matter to you that she wasn’t yours, biologically speaking, but he can’t help but want to give you a child that is part you. How badly he wants another piece of you in the world, all of your goodness packaged into the purest soul.
Resigning with a sigh, he sets the test down on the cool countertop and exits the bathroom, a slow stride over to your lying form. Crumpled under covers. With a soft groan, he lowers himself to his knees with cracks popping his joints. His age is starting to show the closer he gets to forty and the more hours he works in the summer weather, another looming factor for him — he’s only known being a young dad. If you two have to wait, what would it be like to be nearly sixty when your kid graduates high school?
Shaking the superficial concerns from his head, his wide palm glides along the quilted fabric draped over your side. He rests his chin on his opposite arm, laying against the mattress close to your pillow. At the coax of his touch, you turn over to face him. Lips pursed in a frown, dried watery streaks being washed anew with your fresh tears, fat and rolling down your cheeks and over the bridge of your nose. They drip off of your skin, dotting and darkening the fabric of the pillowcase underneath you.
Joel leans in, brushing your hair from your face and pressing his lips to your forehead for a lingering kiss. A deep breath draws the smell of your shampoo into his nose, down deep into his lungs where it soothes his aching chest.
“Mari, sweet girl, I know it’s hard. I know we want it so bad, but there’s always another option,” he speaks softly, kindly, delicately, “We can go to that fertility specialist your doctor recommended. I promise, mi amor, we’ll have a baby together.”
He means it, and you can tell he means it. Ever since you had been back together, ever since he confessed his feelings for you — years ago now — he hasn’t made an empty promise. From tiny little things like a pledge to stop on the way home for your favorite ice cream, going to three different stores and adding nearly an hour to his day simply to show up with it for you, to larger, grander oaths, his wedding vows, the promise of building a beautiful life with you.
Emotion is thick in your throat as you attempt to vocalize your concerns. They keep you up at night, with Joel’s warm and expansive hand resting on your stomach right above your womb as he sleeps soundly. He wants it clearly as much as you do; you can feel it each time you’ve tried. How badly he wants to provide this for you.
Is he having the same thoughts as you? Does he wonder if something’s ‘wrong’ with you?
“I wanna be able to do it. Why can’t I do it on my own?” The sound of your meek voice shatters his heart and he shakes his head back and forth, adamant in shutting down the thoughts.
Tugging the covers down, Joel’s hands find your exposed skin, sliding across with a clammy touch from his labor outside. And nerves, too, you’d guess. Moving from his knees on the floor next to the bed, he finds a spot sitting at your side and shifts you to lay on your back. Opening up to him. Warmth rests over your womb, blanket pulled down to the tops of your thighs while his thumb brushes at your stomach, catching on the fabric of your shirt.
“No—oh, mi Mariposa, you don’t even know if it would be you with an issue. Very well could be me. Maybe breathin’ all the paint fumes at work killed m’little swimmers.” He breathes a small laugh through his nose, attempting to lighten the mood.
Your hands fly up to your face, muffling your voice, “Oh, god, don’t say that. I wanna have your baby, not some sperm donors.”
His hand coasts up your torso, over to your side to wrap around your rib cage, feeling your breaths as his fingertips lightly tickle the spot, “That was supposed to make you laugh, sweet girl.”
Hands falling away from your face, your brow pinches together and your frown deepens. About to make a retort, your mouth open, Joel skates the fingertips of both his hands up and down your sides, alternated on each side of you to make it harder to catch his wrists. Laughter bubbles up from your chest, your frown morphing into a flashing smile before you’re calling for a surrender in between gasping breaths.
Relenting, his hands stop, settling at the curve of your waist. He leans over you, nudging his nose against yours before pressing a ghosting kiss to your lips. A small grin, hopeful and reassuring, with a tinge of worry flickering in his irises, barely there before his smile reaches his eyes, “It’ll happen for us, Mari baby. Why don’t we say, one last go before lookin’ into the doctors? We’ll do all the things, track whatever we need to track. I’ll drop whatever I need to come home and put a baby in you.”
Joel wiggles his eyebrows, playful smirk crossing his expression. You roll your eyes under him, pushing an accusing finger into his chest, “Like you don’t already do that. I could call you in the middle of work and just go ‘Hey, J’ and you’re in the truck on your way home.”
“That’s right, Mari. As it should be. Y’know what they say — happy wife, happy life.” Another kiss to your lips, this one a bit more savoring. “What d’ya say, mi amor? One more go?”
“Okay, yeah. One more go.”
Butterflies kick up in your stomach when you hear the low rumble of Joel’s truck cut, heavy door swinging closed and quick strides following. The front door opens after a short jingle of keys, shutting behind him with the slide of the lock back into place. Distant grumbles of his make you laugh, his frustrations with his work boots floating upstairs to where you’re sitting on the edge of your bed, leaning back on your hands. Clad in only your bra and panties, you work your bottom lip between your teeth as anticipation builds with each of Joel’s footsteps up the carpeted stairs.
You both only have the afternoon — less than an hour of your afternoon, actually — to make your last attempt. Already having taken advantage of the window in your cycle twice, the peak day of your ovulation fell, of course, during the busiest time of year for Miller Construction. Summer has come to a close, and now people have picked up their home improvements to start nesting for the winter; a craving you’ve been having yourself, desperate to make your home larger and livelier by one more. Joel has snuck away for a moment that you two have alone, and you’ve told the couple you nanny for that you have an immovable appointment for today.
Pretty sure the only thing that will be immovable today will be you once Joel’s hour is up.
“Mari? Mi amor?” he calls out and you chuckle softly at the boyish excitement in his voice.
“In the bedroom, J!”
Joel rounds the doorway into your shared room, stopping a handful of steps past the threshold when he registers the sight of you. He hums a low moan, licking his lips as his eyes devour your lacy undergarments, “Mierda, mi esposa, estás tratando de matarme? (Shit, my wife, are you trying to kill me?) You look so fucking beautiful, darlin’.”
A low whistle leaves his lips as he stalks closer, eyes rake over your form as you present your primped self for his taking.
“You get all pretty for me, sweet girl? I like this…” he rasps as he’s within arm’s reach now, stretching a hand out to toy with the strap of your bra and snapping it against your skin sharply.
“Wanted to look pretty when you fill me up, J.” One curl of his finger under your chin draws you to sit up straight, tilting your head back to look at Joel towering over you.
“Good girl,” he praises, a glint of excitement in his eyes, “You want me to fill up your sweet little cunt, Mariposa? Want me to give you a baby? Tell me.”
“Yes,” you breathe out shakily, eyelids fluttering closed as his hands trail lightly across your exposed skin, ghosting everywhere you need him most.
“More, sweetheart. Dime. Dime cuánto lo deseas. Suplicar por ello. (Tell me. Tell me how badly you want it. Beg for it.)” His instructions float through your head, only keywords translating in while Joel leaves over you, lips pressing feather-light kisses along your neck, across your chest.
“I need it, Joel. Need you so fucking bad, I wanna have your baby. Want you to make me a mom, fill me up as many times as it takes until we get our baby…please, J…” As if the taste of you wasn’t enough to do him in, the wild, fervent look in your eyes intrigues him beyond. Hearing the words from your lips, directed to him, he’s fucking aching. He was growing hard on his way over here, the thoughts swimming through his mind of you laid out and ready for him to take delegating his blood supply to rush down below his belt.
He needs you, but first, he needs to see you unraveling underneath him only from his fingers.
“Don’t worry your pretty little mind, Mari. M’gonna take care of you. I’ll make sure this one takes. Let’s call it third time lucky this summer.”
He shoots you a wink, your mouth parting to respond. Before you can let any breath escape, his lips are crashing with yours. Heavy, heady, and so fucking hot it spirals your thoughts into nothing. His tongue melts with yours, the taste of his black coffee and the donut he must have eaten at work this morning tingling your taste buds. Sweat sticks to his skin when your hands rest at the sides of his neck, falling backwards as he climbs over you. He smells of wood shavings, freshly mowed grass, and hard work — calloused hands gliding along your body and feeling the softest of scratches of his blue collar hands.
“Joel, need you — please.” It’s more of a whine than a begging whimper, rising frustration levels from his lack of touch in the place you need and want him the most.
Your cunt is desperate, dripping down your folds and surely soaking the sheets. A quick jerk of your hips attempts to brush against him, to catch any relief for the need building low in your stomach. A large palm presses your lower half back against the mattress, the other hand pushing your leg to the side to open you up further for him. A knuckle brushes your clit, grazing up and down your seam through your soaked panties. Your husband clicks his tongue as he shakes his head at you, patronizing tone slick in his voice.
“Darlin’, I wanna take every second of my time with you. Are you gonna let me? Gonna let me get your cunt squeezing my fingers? Gonna let me fill you up, mi amor?” he asks, as if you wouldn’t say yes to all of those requests and he knows it. Nodding, a desperate yes exhaled when he applies more pressure with his finger against your clit, rubbing slow circles. “Good girl. Siempre tan bueno para mí. (Always so good for me.)”
Joel folds over your, taking one of your perked nipples into his mouth through your bra and sucking. His tongue flattens against the cup before he’s pulling at the nub with his teeth. The material is darkened where his mouth was when he grows a bit more needy, grabbing at the straps and yanking the bra to rest at your midsection. You slip your arms out of the straps and he pushes you further onto the bed by the back of your thighs, stripping your panties off and settling on his knees.
Pressure forms against your clit from two of his fingers, slow circles dragging a moan from your throat. Joel smirks, satisfied with the way you squirm under him, trying and failing to get more from his hands. Before you can vocalize a whine, Joel is over you again, bringing his attention to your now bare breast while the circles continue. Hot, humid kisses are littered on the soft skin, happy hums rolling from Joel’s chest. He pulls his head up, looking down at your chest with a half grin and his dimple on display.
“You’re gonna get so soft and swollen everywhere, Mariposa. Round belly, huge tits—can’t wait to play with ‘em.” His grin widens, boyish and brazen with the glee that the fact fills him with. “You gonna let me, baby? Gonna let me make your sore tits feel better with my mouth?”
His question goes unanswered as his mouth attaches to one of your nipples, sucking and flattening his tongue as he nurses it. Pulling away with a pop, he mimics the same on the other side, the intensity of his suckling along with his fingers rubbing faster against your clit — even slipping down to tease at your entrance — has you wiggling under him, desperation notching up your spine.
“Joel, please,” you plead, choking on your breath when he pulls the bud of your breast between his teeth, a low growling sound rumbling from his throat.
Two of his thick fingers push into your dripping cunt, a relieved moan echoing against the walls of the bedroom. Curling up into your spongy walls, they thrust quickly and pet at the certain spot inside of you. Joel’s mouth is still at your chest, his hunger feeding itself on the taste of your skin.
“Fuck, Mari, gonna break my fucking fingers off. So fucking tight.”
A distraught whimper crawls from your chest, breaths heaving as your walls clench around his quick-paced fingers. You gasp when he slips a third one in, hooking them up. Despite the stretch, you still feel an emptiness. All you want is his cock inside of you, spilling into you and leaving you to grow fuller with his baby. The thoughts of him above you, fucking it all deeper into you to reach your womb, drive you over the edge. The tips of his fingers press against that spot inside of you, his warm mouth hanging open at your tit while his eyes watch you come undone. Writhing and walls pulsing around his fingers, his name falls from your mouth as you choke out moans and your vision grows dark.
“That’s it, Mari baby, fuck,” Joel works you through the orgasm before his fingers leave you and he sits back on his haunches. Sucking his digits clean of your slick and come, the other hand rubs your thigh gently before he coos down at you, “That was a big one, wasn’t it? Feel good?”
Still coming down from it all, your body feels liquidity, taking whatever form Joel is molding you into right now after he’s stripped himself bare. One hand slips under you, unclasping your bra and tugging it away from your torso, leaving you as naked as him. His eyes drink in your body while his grip holds your calves, chuckling darkly when you finally breathe out a response, “I feel…like I need you to put a baby in me.”
“Cualquier cosa para usted, mi esposa. Vas a estar tan lleno de mí. Te encanta la sensación de mi mecos dentro de ti, ¿verdad? (Anything for you, my wife. You're going to be so full of me. You love the feeling of my cum inside of you, don't you?)” Your head rolls with a nod, agreeing to anything Joel says in the moment, still hazy from how hard he’d made you come moments ago. Half-lidded eyes watch as he licks his fingers, stroking his cock a few times with a quiet sigh. That’s something you could watch all day — Joel’s pleasure. And here underneath him, you have the perfect view, and the perfect position to be used for it.
Fully handing over control to him, his hands tug you up so your ass sits on his thighs while he’s on his knees. Fingertips skate along the distance of your legs, grabbing at your calves to rest them on his broad shoulders. Even the slightest shift forward from his hips stretches you wide, a delicious ache creating a craving for more.
“Tell me how bad you want it, Mari, tell me how much you wanna have my baby.”
Joel’s gripping his length, rubbing his tip through your wet folds. The notches against your clit quiver the already stretched muscles in your thighs, whines replacing words coming out of your mouth.
“Tell me, or I won’t give you what you want, mi amor.”
“I want it so bad, J. I wanna feel you fuck me so full of you, and I don’t want that feeling to leave. I feel like there’s an emptiness and only you can fill it, I want your baby. Wanna have everyone know how good I am for you, carrying your baby like you want me to. I wanna have a part of you forever,” you gasp out the last word, Joel’s cock inching into you. Muscle memory takes over, your whole body relaxing with the knowledge that he’ll take care of you — he’ll always take care of you.
Joel bottoms out easily, filling you to the hilt before he pauses to take a breath. His eyes meet yours and he smiles, sweet and sincere, while holding your shins, “I fucking love you, mi Mariposa. Wanna give you a baby…”
“Pleasepleaseplease—” You don’t know if you’re begging more for him to give you what you want or to move his hips, but in the end, you get both.
Joel starts out slow, shallow thrusts keeping him inside of you. Grunts from the controlled movements fill the room, your small whimpers following each noise he makes. The sound of him fucking into your cunt captures his attention, gaze zeroed in on where you two meet. Watching the stretch of your tight pussy around his cock, he feels the burning desire for more. To watch you take it deeper, harder.
The next snap of his hips is just that - smacking his skin against your ass before he adjusts, laying you back completely on the mattress and leaning over you. Your legs are still hooked over his shoulders, the burning of your muscles now straining your hamstrings and glutes. His entire body folds you, his head hovering over yours as he fucks into you further. The tip of his cock kisses your womb, the force of his thrusts driving your hips open more for him.
“Gonna — fuck — gonna make you a momma, Mariposa. That what you want? Get fucked so well, be so full of me that we make a baby? Everybody’s gonna know I treat my wife right. With your round belly…swollen—ah—swollen tits. Gonna be so beautiful, and so fucking sensitive everywhere.”
His words only add onto the feeling of his thick cock filling you up, nearly verging on too far and too much. Moans exhale on your lips, his name repeated like a chant with each harsh snap of him into you. Your hands scramble for purchase as his sheer power drives you up the mattress, sheets scratching against your bare back. One set of fingers dig into the meaty flesh of his shoulder, nails pressing crescent shapes like an iron-hot branding.
Above you, Joel studies how your mouth has fallen open, thoughts completely left your mind with how cockdrunk you are. He gingerly grips your chin, holding it to face him and commanding your eyes to his as he pants heavily.
“What d’you wanna make me, baby?” It’s only met with the sounds of his cock dragging in and out of you, the slap of skin as you gasp under him. “C’mon, Mari baby, use your words.”
“A daddy,” you breathe out, your opposite hand combing into his messy curls and gripping tight.
“Say it again. Dime.” Not thinking it was possible, Joel pushes you further, hitting into you harder with each thrust nudging his tip toward your cervix. You might only leave this afternoon with soreness, but you continued to hold out hope for a baby to be the well-worth prize for how you’re going to feel tomorrow.
“A daddy!”
“Dime. Dime. Dime,” he commands and you listen, writhing under him as he hacks away at your shared resolve, throwing you closer and closer to the edge.
“Daddy — oh, fuck, a daddy. Wanna make you a daddy!” You’re yelling at this point, sobs of pleasure wracking your body and you thank god for a split second that the two of you are home alone in the middle of the work day. Surely the whole block might be hearing all of your wanton sounds.
“God, I could get used to you calling me that, Mari baby,” Joel groans and throws his head back, bearing his teeth as he punches his hips into your clenching pussy, the telltale sign that you’re close.
“C’mon, mi amor, give it to me. Come for me and I’ll let your fucking pussy milk me for every last drop. That’s what you want, right? Gotta fill you up and make a baby for my Mari baby.” He’s rambling as you reach your peak, toes curling and coming even harder than your first one this afternoon.
A near scream pulls itself from as deep as your gut, the sound as if you were in more pain than the absolute pleasure you feel. Your grip on his hair tightens, drawing him down for a messy kiss as you mumble against his lips.
“Please gimme a baby, J. Need it all inside of me, please. Come for me, mi esposo.”
The name sends goosebumps across his shoulders and trickles down his spine before he’s barking your name once and spilling into you, painting your walls with each rope. He takes a moment to breathe before he gently presses his hips in a few short thrusts, fucking his spend as far into you as possible.
Joel collapses against your torso, no other efforts exerted to move away. Delicate, nimble touches brush the hair from his sweaty forehead, rubbing his shoulders as he hums contently.
“Fuck, baby, might just have to stay inside. Keep you plugged up so I can stay here all day with you.” Quiet, breathless laughter leaves your lips as you shake your head, tracing along his jaw before he turns his head to press his lips into your tummy.
“Can’t wait for you to be a momma. Gonna be the best one ever, y’already are. Love you so much.”
The two of you lay like that for what feels like hours, only to be reminded of Joel’s limited schedule when his cell starts ringing from downstairs. Getting up with a groan, he slips out of you and lifts your hips, stuffing a pillow or two underneath them to keep your lower half elevated. You roll your eyes at the superstitious gesture, gasping when his fingers push into you once more to put his leaking come back into where it belongs.
“Gotta make sure it takes, pretty girl. Wanna see you get all round with my baby in you. Everybody’ll know how good I am to you, huh? Pumping you full of me so much we made a new fucking life…better stay like this until I get home again, Mari baby. Wanna make sure those lil swimmers get all the help they can get.”
“Mm…” you hum, hands grabbing for him to lean over you again. Sneaking a kiss, you pull away to whisper to him with a grin on your lips, “Better get back to work…daddy.”
He snorts out a laugh, beaming a bright smile as mischief glimmers in his eyes, “Mal. Mala chica. (Bad. Bad girl.)”
Three days late. You’ve been tracking your cycle like a mad woman, ticking off days in the notebook next to your bed, and now you’re officially three days late. Joel and you had agreed to wait a few days after you expected your period, hopeful that the extra time meant a more accurate, and desired, result.
The kitchen timer sitting on Joel’s side of the bed ticks away while you side on the edge of the bed. Tapping your fingers against your thighs, bare skin against your fingertips from the high hem of your denim shorts. Joel paces the room, eyes focused a thousand yards ahead. Anxiety and anticipation had been plaguing both of you all day, work slugging by minute by minute, second by second. Joel had left the jobsite as soon as was acceptable, leaving Tommy to wrap up, and swung by the pharmacy to pick up a new box of tests. Your task for the day was to chug water, or any liquid, all afternoon — by the time Joel was one foot through the door, you were ready to burst. Snatching the bag of tests out of his hand, you ran to the bathroom to pee in a plastic disposable cup and stick at least three tests in.
Now, you two are waiting for more seconds and minutes to tick by, added to the tally of the entire day. As you’re about to stand and stop Joel from burning treads in the area rug from walking his tight circles, a trill of a bell vibrating demands your attention. Turning off the noise in a flash, you stand and cross the room to where your husband is now frozen in place. A gentle touch to his cheek, his eyelids flutter close and he takes a long exhale before opening them again.
“Ready?” you ask, uncertainty pitching your voice up.
A minute nod, one shake of his chin, Joel’s hand finds the small of your back as he responds, “Ready, mi amor.”
His hand guides you into the bathroom, and a handful of steps from the three tests laid out on the counter, you turn around, panic twisting your expression. Joel stumbles to stop his collision with you, large palms grabbing onto your biceps to catch himself.
“M’scared, J…” Your voice is meek, cracking with emotion. This is the last shot you gave yourselves, whatever is laid on the counter either means unbridled joy or a long road of poking and prodding in countless doctors’ offices.
The warmth of his hands rubbing your arms and the press of his lips to your forehead coax you to relax, to take deep breaths, “I know, Mari baby, I would be lyin’ if I said I wasn’t scared too. But no matter what is on those tests, we’re in it together, right sweet girl?”
His index finger hooks under your chin to draw your attention up to his face, a small smile filled with love and reassurance stretching his lips.
“Always in it together, J.” You take another deep breath, turning around and nodding shortly, “Okay, now m’ready.”
“That’s my girl,” he mumbles before he’s following right behind you again, the two of you pressing yourselves to each other against the counter. Joel has an iron grip on your hips, nerves manifesting in the squeezes of his hands. Shaking fingers turn over each test before picking them all up to your lines of vision.
Two lines. Two bold lines screaming at both of you, across all three tests.
Positive.
Positive. You’re pregnant. You and Joel are having a baby.
“Holy shit…” Joel exhales behind you, smile creeping into his voice. Somehow, his grip gets even tighter as he turns you around, “Holy shit! You’re pregnant, Mari. We’re havin’ a baby! You’re gonna be a momma!”
Giddiness overcomes both of you, happy and disbelieving laughter while you hold each other in a tight embrace. Joel litters kisses around your face, catching your lips last — all teeth and tight lipped from your matching grins.
“You’re gonna be a dad again, how’s that feel?”
“Like I won the damn lottery, mi amor.”
Another kiss, supple and heavy. Joel pulls away first and shakes his head, pressing his forehead to yours, “I love you so fucking much, Mari.”
“I love you too, J.”
“You ready to go, Sare?” you ask, standing next to her seat at the kitchen table where she’s working away at her homework, reaching a hand out to play with her curls. She smiles and nods, writing down one last answer to a question on her worksheet before she lays her pencil down and stands up, rushing over toward the door.
“Just gotta get my shoes on!” she calls out, and you smile, shaking your head.
“Take your time, sweet pea! God knows it’s gonna take me longer to walk over to the door.” Your joke falls on deaf ears of your husband, who stands at the kitchen island and rolls his eyes before he’s crossing the room over to you. Within arm’s length, his hands cup the bottom of your large belly, leaning in for a sweet peck.
“Nobody cares if you move slow. Better to be careful than—”
“Careless, yes, I know. I think those might be our baby’s first words since they hear them so much from their dad,” you tease and he shrugs, kissing you again while his touch wanders across the flannel of his that you’re sporting, too tired to buy more maternity clothes that you’ll grow out of and opting for his closet every morning.
“Jus’ looking out for my girls. All three of ‘em.” He beams proudly, brown eyes shining brightly before he turns you in his arms, accompanying you to the front door where your near-teenager is waiting. Ever the sweetheart she is, she’s got your purse slung on her shoulder, car keys in hand to pass off to you. You thank her quietly, turning back to Joel as he looks between the two of you.
“Alright, have fun with your girls’ day. And call if you need anything — either of you. I’ll be waitin’ here for ya.” Joel smooths down Sarah’s hair before kissing the crown of her head; she squirms away, the teenage attitude rearing its head in some early moments, especially with her dad. There’s less patience for him, which you completely understand as a teenage girl once yourself. He huffs out a sigh as she slips out the door, heading down the front path toward your car.
“Hey, s’nothing. Teenage girl things. She loves you, and you’re the best dad.” A hand on his cheek coaxes him down to your lips, a supple kiss exchanged before he pulls away and bends to kiss the top of your belly.
“Bye, my little June Bug.” He stands upright again and steals another kiss, mumbling, “And bye, mi Mariposa. Drive safe, let me know if you need anything while you’re out. I love you.”
“We love you too. And m’speaking for the moody one, too.” Joel chuckles and rubs your bump once more before sending you on your way, watching and waving from the door as y’all drive away.
The plan for today had come about when you started to notice Sarah growing quieter, retreating to her room more often after family dinners and denying the chance at movie night some days. Joel had noticed too, but was a bit nervous to broach it with her, not wanting to make her feel bad about being more independent.
Your relationship with her though was much different to Joel’s. There was the foundation of your caretaking role with her, much more of a friend with authority when it was only you two before you were anything close to a parental figure. More open and, well, you could relate more to what she was going through. She confided in you first about girls at school being catty, about her growing crushes on boys in her grade. And this year, only a month after your due date, she will officially become a teenager. It was a strange time in any girl’s life, full of growing pains.
And on top of all of that, add on a new baby arriving. Attentions drawn elsewhere, priorities shifted to preparing for the baby. Sarah never fell to the backburner in your minds, but you didn’t know how she was feeling. Guessing by her quiet actions, you could tell she was feeling left out but didn’t want to stir up trouble.
Always the sweet girl. And you knew how that was.
So, you’d asked her for a girls’ day, excluding her dad from the fun and giving both of you some time with each other to feel like it was years before. It was all about Sarah today, no mentions of baby — no buying diapers or supplies or clothes. A promise made to yourself to make Sarah feel special, because that is exactly what she was. The baby on the way may be your first biological child, but nothing can compare to the unique bond that you have with your Sare Bear.
The day was spent waddling throughout the mall, helping her pick out new outfits and shoes for the end of the school year. Collecting a haul, you two stopped off for lunch and a trip to the nail salon before you finally made your way back home in the evening. Sarah was smiling brightly in the passenger seat, joking around with you and eagerly telling you all about the latest school drama. Your heart was about to burst with how much she’d come out of her shell again all day, even wanting to show off her new things to her dad when you both got back.
In the living room, Joel greets you two from the couch, eyes widening and a low whistle leaving his lips when he sees the damage done, “Quite some shoppin’ there, Bug. Y’all buy out the whole store?”
You wave him off and encourage Sarah to show off her haul, walking over to settle onto the sofa next to Joel. The younger Miller excitedly starts pulling out pieces and showcasing them, excitedly telling her dad exactly where she plans to wear them. His hand rests on your leg, attention completely focused on his daughter in front of him, squeezing you gently when she gets particularly worked up over something. You can tell he feels what you were in the car, heart bursting that she seems like herself again after a day spent with you.
“That’s nice, Sare Bear. I like the color,” Joel comments on the last shirt Sarah holds up, her smile still beaming as she tosses it back into the bag.
“Thanks, Mom actually picked it out! I thought it would be fun to have for camp this year, since I’m gonna start the counselor training program…” Her voice trails off as Joel listens intently. You, on the other hand, take deep breaths to hold it together, the simple moniker rolling off of Sarah’s tongue so naturally. Your heartbeat thumps in your chest, and baby Miller kicks her feet against your tummy — equally as excited.
You manage to keep it calm while Sarah recaps the rest of the day before she gathers up her shopping bags to take to her room. As she’s leaving the room, she’s quick to run over and give you a hug, leaning down to meet you where you sit on the couch. Your belly sticks out between the two of you, but regardless you pull her into a tight squeeze as she says thank you. Her curls bounce as she scampers off upstairs, the quiet sounds of her feet in the hallway queuing your watery eyes to overflow and for your nose to sniffle. Joel is grinning brightly next to you, pulling you into his lap and holding you against him as he wipes the few happy tears away.
“She called me Mom…” you whisper to your husband, afraid to admit it any louder as if it would disappear.
Joel presses his forehead against yours, a sweet kiss against your lips before he whispers back, “You have no idea how happy it makes me to know she feels that way about you.”
“I just…I feel so lucky. And maybe it’s hormones, but oh my god, I can’t stop blubbering. I’m a mom.”
“You’re the best mom. Have been to Sarah since she met you, and you’re going to be the best mom to our little one on the way.”
June 21st, 2009.
The first day of summer.
It’s the first day of summer and you’re stuck inside. Not at home, no, you’re currently propped up in a hospital bed with your legs in stir-ups, breathing in between contractions. Exhaustion weighs on your body, a full hour passing of you pushing in time with the pain in your abdomen that radiates all over. Sweat sticks your hair to your forehead and Joel sitting next to you brushes it out of the way. His other hand is limp in yours, ready to be squeezed with a vice grip whenever you need to push. Joel leans over you in level with your head, lathering on encouragements.
“You got this, Mari.”
“So strong, baby. You can do it.”
“Thank you, mi amor, thank you thank you thank you.”
The last one comes after a string of complaints against him doing this to you — despite you both knowing you begged for it nine months prior — and for having such a big head in his own baby photos that he had to have passed down to the baby.
Another wave kicks in, your doctor and nurses coaching you to give another final push. Putting every last bit of your energy behind the flex of your muscles, groaning out with pain and frustration before a piercing cry fills the room. Heavy, tiny sobs ring in your ears.
“You did it, baby, m’so proud of you. Our little girl,” Joel says in awe, glancing between you and where the doctor holds your little baby girl, summoning Dad over to cut the cord.
She’s taken away to be cleaned up and Joel returns to your side, ready to help you attentively through the afterbirth. You wave him off, begging him to go keep an eye on your little girl. Once she’s clean enough, the nurses lay her on your bare chest, the sight of her tiny fingers and toes bringing about your own cries. Your hands hold her there, delicate touches brushing against her soft skin and her damp but full head of dark brown hair.
The rest of the process is painful but smoother, shorter. Before you know it, all tests are done and Joel is next to the bed again, wiping a damp cloth across your forehead.
A rush of adrenaline, pure unfiltered need and excitement to meet your daughter keeps you awake, sitting up carefully as you accept her into your arms from your husband who’s wearing the biggest smile. He sits on the edge of the bed, hand on your leg as you study the features on her small face.
“She’s perfect, isn’t she, Mari? Looks like her momma.”
You beam, shaking your head as you place a fingertip against her nose, “See, I think she looks like her daddy. Already got the grumpy brow.”
Both of you laugh, your unbridled attention on the tiny bundle in your arms as you gush over her for minutes longer. Joel rubs your leg, drawing your eyes up to him as he asks, “So you think we picked a good name?”
“I think we picked a perfect name. Our ‘S’ girls,” you grin at him before looking down at your little girl, “Skye Isla Miller. I think it suits her perfectly.”
A bit more time is spent between only the two of you and Skye before you’re itching to see your eldest, and for her to meet her little sister. Joel retreats to where Sarah’s in the waiting area with Tommy and Maria, who’s now three months pregnant herself, waving her to come back with him. She nervously enters the room, quiet as a mouse until you reassure her with a smile and welcome her to sit in the bed next to you.
Joel makes the introductions, voice thick with emotion as he stands over his three girls, watching as his first little one meets his second, “Sarah Elena, this is your baby sister, Skye Isla.”
Sarah quietly asks permission to hold her; you lay Skye in her arms carefully, teaching her how to support her head and where to avoid her soft spot. Sarah picks up on it like a natural, adjusting her little sister when she fusses a bit, finally settling into a new set of familiar hands.
“Dad said you did a really good job, Mom. With everything today. S’pretty cool that you brought a whole person into the world…” Sarah glances over at you with a shy smile before addressing both you and Joel, “M’really happy she’s here.”
“You’re gonna be a great big sister, Bug,” Joel beams with pride as he squeezes her shoulder, leaning over to press a kiss to the crown of your head. He hums as he looks over you three, “Got my Mariposa, my Bug, and my little June Bug. Mi maripositas. Don’t think anything could beat seeing my three girls altogether finally.”
You find yourself observing your family from afar, listening with muffled ears as Joel and Sarah chat about who Skye got what features from. Cheeks aching from smiling, you can’t help but think that this summer was off to the most wonderful start, and that every summer after was only going to get better.
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Hurricanes’ Seth Jarvis leans into status as an honorary Harvard grad
By: Luke Decock, April 24, 2024
When Tripp Tracy was asked to speak at a meeting of the Harvard Club of the Research Triangle last week, he naturally invited the Carolina Hurricanes’ two other Harvard Men to join him. Jack Drury, owner of a Harvard diploma, class of 2023. Seth Jarvis, owner of a “Harvard Alumni” T-shirt, class of not quite veritas.
Neither Drury nor Jarvis could attend because of the team’s pre-playoff dinner gathering, but Jarvis was nevertheless welcome despite his self-proclaimed “Grade 6” education, because if there’s one thing that’s true about the Hurricanes’ third-year forward above all else, it’s that if you try to make him the butt of a joke, even a heartfelt, good-natured one, he’ll find a way to turn it back around on you.
When Drury returned from his Cambridge graduation last summer with the crimson T-shirt as a gift for Jarvis, he never expected Jarvis to cut off the sleeves.
He never expected Jarvis to make it his undershirt and wear it under his shoulder pads every single day of the season. For every practice. Every game. Every postgame interview.
“I thought, there’s no better way to put it to use than cut it into a tank top and wear it under my gear,” Jarvis said.
Seth Jarvis. Harvard alum. The shirt says so.
“There have been a few people who have seriously asked me if I went to Harvard,” Jarvis said, “and they’ve obviously never had a conversation with me.”
The Hurricanes have always had a strong connection to Harvard, through Tracy and his youth teammate and future front-office executive Jason Karmanos, through players like Craig MacDonald and Craig Adams.
They’ve had players from the rest of the hockey-playing Ivy League schools as well, other than Brown: Jeff Hamilton (Yale), Kevin Westgarth (Princeton), Lee Stempniak (Dartmouth), Riley Nash (Cornell). Now Drury. And, apparently, Jarvis.
“I think it’s been awesome,” Tracy said. “I would have liked to have had him on the roster.”
Even within the hockey world, it’s hard to imagine two teammates as different as the goofy Manitoban and the cosmopolitan Harvard grad becoming so close. Jarvis left home at 14 to play junior hockey in the Western Hockey League and was in the NHL by age 18.
Drury, scion of a prominent hockey family, spent two years at Harvard and another year overseas in Sweden; even though Drury is two years older than Jarvis, Jarvis has played more than 100 more NHL games than Drury.
The two are akin to brothers as much as they are friends or teammates, so when Drury gave Jarvis the shirt, it was with the best of intentions. Still, give Jarvis an inch or two, he’ll take all 200 feet, same in the dressing room as on the rink.
“I got it for him hoping he would wear it,” Drury said. “Using it as the undershirt, I love that. I didn’t know he’d do that. Once he started to do it, I thought it was awesome. He’s a character. But you couldn’t have a better guy around the room.”
Every single day, the shirt goes into his laundry bag to be laundered with the rest of the team’s base layers, an old-school throwback amid the sweat-wicking, high-tech gear.
By now, seven months into the season, as the Hurricanes head north for Thursday’s Game 3 against the New York Islanders with a 2-0 lead in their first-round series, the T-shirt should probably be in tatters. It looks just fine. Other than the missing sleeves.
“It’s hung on,” Jarvis said. “It’s high quality. Only the best at Harvard.”
At the end of the regular season, when Jarvis sat in on the Bally Sports broadcast with Tracy and Mike Mansicalco while sitting out Game 82, he told Tracy he would have liked to major in “micro-macro engineering” at Harvard, which sounds like a typical Jarvis malaprop, mishmashing economics and engineering. But it also could very well be somebody’s bespoke “special concentration” in Harvard’s engineering school, studying “theories of engineering principles” or the “interactions between microscopic innovation and large system models.”
Jarvis, with his elite hockey IQ and even quicker wit, may be more evidence that you don’t have to be book smart to be smart. He plays up the dopey-goofball angle because it gets laughs — “There’s still a lot of stupidity going on throughout my day,” Jarvis said — and won the Josef Vasicek Award this season for his quotability, but he’s the son of two educators, and there’s a spark that animates both his personality and his game, burning bright under all the self-deprecating humor.
“He plays a little dumb, but he’s pretty smart actually,” Martin Necas said. “I’m positive. He’s pretty smart. He just makes himself look like it on purpose, sometimes.”
Watching his game grow over the past two seasons, as he spent last year becoming a two-way player and this season reaping the rewards, it’s fair to wonder what would happen if he applied himself in the classroom as he has to his hockey career. Who knows what might be possible.
“It’s never too late,” Drury said. “He plays it up a little bit but he’s smarter than people realize. He’s got a good head on his shoulders.”
And the T-shirt over his shoulders to sort-of prove it.
#carolina hurricanes#seth jarvis#jack drury#underrated friendship!!!!!#what if I gave you a shirt from my Alma mater#and what if you wore it everyday
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King of my heart | MS47 | Part. 17
― Pairing: Mick Schumacher x Hamilton!reader (she/her)
― Warnings: curse words, twitter environment, mention of food, not proofread, etc, etc. Minors DNI!
― Summary: Yn decided to take a break from social media as well, but her friends were hell-bent on protecting her image and not letting people talk shit about her in front of them. When she comes back, ready to launch her winter collection, someone shows up ready to talk too.
― A/n: none of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps. Everything else is made up by me, and I do not give permission for it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛
― A/n²: We're heading to the end of this series. I'm sorry for going MIA for a beat, but I'm back now, and I'm gonna work to get everything done by the end of this month 💛
⁕ part. 16 | series masterlist | part. 18
⁕ my masterlist | my taglist here
⁕ Support my writing by reblogging, and leaving me a message 🤍
📧 Lewis and Mick
francisca.cgomes
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francisca.cgomes ⭐️💓 te amo, linda!
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schumacherpt Where's your phone case from, Kika??
⤷ franciscac.gomes It was a gift, I dunno, love 🥺
mercedesamigasf1 they're so pretty
ynfan oh to be a wag and besties with the other wags 😍🥺
⤷ user33 Yn's not a wag
⤷ mickshoes DENIAL IS A RIVER IN EGYPT 👍🏻
lilymhe
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lilymhe all my fav emojis for you, babes 🦋🦕🪲🦩🍄🌷💐🌸🌼⭐️💫🌈❄️🩷🤍🩵🏓🎨🍭🍋🍉🌊
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alex_albon I love how you always leave me for her
⤷ pierregasly Kika does the same, I don't even mind anymore
⤷ franciscac.gomes let the girls club be! 😒
nandolonso I'm so soft *teary eyes*
ynsunshine I'm under the impression that Yn gives the best hugs
⤷ charles_leclerc It's true
⤷ ynshunshine OMG
lewishamilton 💖
⤷ braziliangp22 Yn's biggest supporter
lewishamilton
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lewishamilton spent the week with my fav people ❤️
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carlossainz55 ❤️
charles_leclerc tell Yn to save some cupcakes for me, I'm flying to you guys
⤷ arthur_leclerc why you've never posted a dump with me with the caption 'my fav people'?
⤷ lorenzotl because you're not his favorite 🙄
cullen_angela Love you guys sm
gina_schumacher I love you two 💖
estebanocon 🧡🧡🧡
landonorris can I join? 🙏🏻😁
ginaschumacher
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ginaschumacher weekend dump ❤️ much love
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theofficialyn
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theofficialyn Our winter '23 collection has an official launch date! Check ynthebrand for more info. Can't wait to share everything with you all 🤍
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lewishamilton Congrats, bitsy!! 🩵
sainzsalz THE CROWN?? THE CAPTION?? SHE REALLY CAME TO SLAY
ynswiftie back by popular demand, babyyyyy
hamiltonsiblings my fav family 💗
charles_leclerc if my invitation don't get here by tomorrow I'm flying to you
⤷ pierregasly me too
f1wagsupdates
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f1wagsupdates Some of Yn's looks on her Winter's collection launch in Paris.
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formulaumdois she looks so pretty! 😍
sunshinesteban the way this woman can reinvent herself all the time
lewiscars I saw that she's launching some pairs at an accessible price, does anyone know when it gets to the stores?
⤷ keepingupwthehamiltons I think everything will be available at her website ynthebrand.com
⤷ monzashalrs bruh I chuckled when I saw she had shoes at an average prince, but she also had shoes with golden in them. talk about a mindful queen 😂
ylnhamilton I'm totally coping one of these model dresses for my grad party 🤓
vettellbees someone said she's parading with the models too, I am SO READY FOR THIS <3
vegasricciardo DID YOU GUYS SEE THAT APPARENTLY MICK IS ATTENDING?????? 🆘🆘🆘
💌 Yn and Mick
― ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: Heyyyyy!!! Omg its been forever since I last updated, and I'm really sorry for that but I'm finally back *yay* I'll try posting the next chapter later today or tomorrow, and if things go smoothly this series will be over by the end of the month *cries gently into my hands*. Let me know your thots! Don't forget to leave me a comment and reblog *mwah*
⁕ my masterlist and my taglist
taglist: @sachaa-ff @ferrariloverr @mellowpizzapuppy @mickslover @dalsuwaha @formulakay3 @mishaandthebrits @iloveyou3000morgan @crimeshowjunkie @fdl305 @saintslewis @carojasmin2204 @chaoticevilbakugo @wondergirl101ks @smiithys @shhhchriss @f1kota @lunnnix @leclercsluv @baby-is-crying @balekane_mohafe @uuuseeerrr12 @karmabyfernando @crashingwavesofeuphoria @schumacheer @pinksstrawberry @callsign-scully @moonyschocolate13 @v1naco @dearxcherry @p8dris @heelariously @peachiicherries @elliegrey2803 @he6rtshaker @therealcap @alm334 @mehrmonga @thatgibbsygirl @the-depressed-fellow @cixrosie @darleneslane @buckybarnessweetheart (if you're not tagged make sure to enable the tagging button on your profile's setting. Let me know if you're supposed to be tagged on this series or only on my other works *mwah*)
All rights reserved © thisismeracing 💜
#ms47#f1 x reader#hamilton!reader#king of my heart#mick schumacher#mick schumacher x reader#mick schumacher x black!reader#f1 x black!reader#f1 fandom#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 smau#mick schumacher social media au#f1 social media au#komh#mick schumacher imagines#mick schumacher fanfiction#mick schumacher smau#mick schumacher twitter#f1 instagram au#mick schumacher instagram au
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Dionysus in Wisconsin
Fall, 1969. Ulysses Lenkov is a grad student in the Department of Magic Studies at UW-Madison. When a local seer warns him something dangerous is coming, his investigation leads him to Sam Sterling, an archivist and community theater nerd who's standing directly in the path of an arriving god. Soon the two are helping each other through demon attacks, discovering the unsavory history of Sam's family, and racing to find a solution that doesn't lead to heartbreak and death. But as the year draws to a close, they'll face a deadly showdown as they try to save Sam—and the city itself. It's the first in a series, but there's no cliffhanger and it has a HEA.
You might like Dionysus in Wisconsin...
If you are a former Gifted kid who had an obsession with mythology and enjoy m/m romance with a touch of gritty noir and heady magic
If you love the way certain words feel in your mouth
If you were a theater kid or ever wanted your best friend to be a sentient library
If you're a diehard KJ Charles or Cat Sebastian or Jordan L. Hawk stan
If you ever want someone to get their urban fantasy in your romance novel
If you think a historical novel set in the 60s without any homophobia might be fun
If you have undiagnosed or late diagnosed ADHD and you wish you could simultaneously be a traveling bard and the inventor of time travel
If you really like band T-shirts and getting caught in the rain.
If you--just, you know what, go get it. Stop waiting.
Amazon link!
Universal links!
The paperback is real pretty too, just so you know:
#dionysus in wisconsin#eh lupton#urban fantasy romance#historical fiction#the 60s#booklr#books#urban fantasy#fantasy romance#wisconsin gothic series
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Glimpse of Us | KTH Chapter VI: Why I Love You
Pairing: Problematic Idol Taehyung x Grad Student Reader
Genre: Idol AU, Ex-Childhood Best Friends into—, Angst (Hello, welcome to my angst central), Fluff (mainly in the flashbacks), Slow Burn, Eventual Smut
Summary: BTS’s V has been living a lavished and successful lifestyle, but underneath all of that, Kim Taehyung is far from the perfect image the media and fans made him out to be. All he wants is to relive the feelings of happiness and purpose in his life, but how can he when he left behind those memories years ago? The same memories, he hopes to see a glimpse of.
Warning: Flashback fluffs, kdrama references, talks of plants, idk teenage Tae hit for me in this, but adult Tae rn ????, some swearing here and there, the plot thickens and PAIN
Word Count: 13.8k
Chapter VI: Why I Love You || Series Masterlist
“You practically live in my room with all the clothes you leave here.” Taehyung entered his bedroom carrying an extra pillow and blanket. He saw you in your daisy pajama set you received on your birthday from his parents. You sat on his full-sized bed on the right side while having his laptop on your lap. “And be careful with that! It cost a whole fortune.”
“Same goes for you. Half of my drawers are your clothes.” You muttered as you typed something on his screen. “I am also careful. I’m just trying to find a movie that we could watch.”
Ever since Taehyung got gifted a laptop for Christmas, it was practically yours as well considering how much time you’ve spent on it. He didn’t mind though, he loved sharing with you, and oftentimes, you needed it for school.
He opened up the blanket before wrapping it around you, then putting the cushion behind your back although you wouldn’t really need it since you always ended up cuddling to his side. “You wanna watch Spirited Away? Or maybe Princess Mononoke?” You asked when he sat beside you on the left and wrapped his arm around your waist.
Pecking your temple, he rested his chin on your shoulder. He tilted his head to the side as he stared in awe at you. But it went unnoticed as you scrolled through the illegal website you found weeks back. “What do you wanna watch, Blue? I’ll watch anything.”
A spark of mischief appeared in your lively irises. “Really?” You said before changing the entire website in light speed before your actual want popped up.
“Really, Boys over Flowers again? This is like the fourth time you’ve watched the entire series when it came out!” Taehyung whined. He only did so because when you’ve watched it four times, he too watched it four times. All the time. He pulled you back to the bed frame while you brought the computer with you. “Why do you love this so much?” Despite all the complaining and nagging, he obliged hopelessly to the viewing of tonight’s entertainment.
“I read the manga.” You shrugged. “I love the main guy too.” Your heart fluttered envisioning you and Gu Junpyo together.
Taehyung rolled his eyes and suppressed the pinch of jealousy running through his veins. “He’s such a dick to her though. Don’t fall for guys like that.”
“Nuh-uh! He actually cares for her, he just doesn’t know how to express them well…” You defended your celebrity crush as you played an episode. You placed the laptop in between your bodies before snuggling into Taehyung with your leg over him.
“Whatever, if you really do fall in love with some asshole, I will beat him up.” Taehyung scoffed to which you giggled. He hooked under your leg, bringing it closer and in a comfier position. “I never want you to be treated like Jandi. He tormented her!”
“So what guy should I fall for?” You asked nonchalantly. You reached for his hand to intertwine them with yours, laying it on his chest.
“Someone who will give you unconditional love and won’t intentionally hurt you, Blue.” He murmured into your supple hair. While you carelessly played with his hand, he fluttered his kisses into your strands.
The conversation died from there as the both of you watched the episode, but halfway through the show, he heard your soft snoring. The side of your cheek squished up onto his torso. You let go of his hand minutes back so you could wrap an arm over him. You were such a koala, but he loved it. That’s why he grew to love cuddling so much.
Taehyung chuckled at your slumbering form. He closed his laptop and moved it to the bed stand so that you could properly sleep. There he turned the lamp light off, darkness spilled over his room. He shifted you to your side before doing it to himself, separating your bodies.
But you let out a tiny whimper, losing the warmth. Your best friend hushed you as he circled his arms around your waist, pulling you in. The distance between you closed with your fronts touching. You latched a leg in between his and cozied up onto him.
“Night, Hyungie.” You mumbled, air-kissing him when you dozed off again. He laughed quietly at how needy you looked.
He leaned in to peck the tip of your nose, watching you sleep in his arms as always. Though the only light came through the small window, he clearly saw your beautiful resting face. The warmth in you outstretched the vicinity and onto him A true sight for him to see. He never got tired of this view—having you here with him in his arms. Nobody else in the world could break you apart. He wanted to stay like this forever and will make it happen. He was head over heels. He loved you. He loves you.
He truly was in love with you.
-
Taehyung stared exhaustedly at his ceiling. He hadn’t been having intense schedules for a while, yet he was still the same amount of tiredness. But he couldn’t find it in himself to close his eyes and let sleep take over his body. Maybe it was all the thoughts running through his mind, following him from left and right. The gears of his brain worked despite the tranquility of the night and the calmness of the air.
He lay on the right of the bed, craning his neck to the left of him to see his curled-up girlfriend sleeping like a log. She faced her body toward him, staying close as she dreamed away about God knows what. Yet the distance was evident, limbs weren’t sticking together. It felt cold to the touch, but he wasn’t at all fazed. He glanced absently at her snoozing features, holding no impressions.
His eyes shifted back to the unusually fascinating white ceiling as his mind began to think of you. It has been a couple of weeks since Jungkook’s party. The morning after, the guests recovered from the hangover after the headache-infused Jungkook bought everyone piping hot stews. You arrived in the kitchen quietly, back into your previous night’s dress as you went down to the dining room.
You waved shyly before announcing your departure, skipping the free meal. But Jungkook was adamant about letting you take it to go, so you accepted it as you said your goodbyes left. That was the last time Taehyung saw you.
It wasn’t on purpose though, there was an increase in schedules for them, having a few group meetings and conferences to do despite the pause on BTS’s music. In between those times, he had to go to his sessions. He’d text every now and then to check up on you, but you usually replied late since you were busy. But that was okay, you confirmed that you had eaten and slept well.
Tomorrow—well, technically, today—would be his first day off in a while, and messaged you a suggestion earlier at night if you wanted to spend it with him. It was a Sunday, so he knew you were off. You haven’t spent time alone together at all since the reunion, so he assumed this was the perfect opportunity.
He could have asked Clara, but she had family business so he canceled the offer.
You still haven’t responded, so he was getting frantic if you’d ignore him. Though you reassured him that you wanted him in your life again, Taehyung still had this unconscious belief and fear that you would take it back. He knew that you wouldn’t think that way, but it was the evil side of his mind playing with him.
Maybe he should mention you to his therapist, he somehow managed to talk over or change the subject about any updates. Besides sharing light memories with his friends, he kept any thoughts of you to himself like before. It worked in the past, but look where that led him. Now everything about you ate him alive, yet he couldn’t be more grateful for it.
Damn, he really did need help.
Dr. Im wasn’t going to judge him otherwise that was unprofessional. He still thought about it. Perhaps the idol was scared that his doctor disclosed something in him that he wouldn’t want to hear…or afraid to hear in a sense. There were certain pieces of information no one but he knew about and it stayed that way. However, sooner or later, it had to be revealed but Taehyung didn’t know how to do it.
As his angels answered his prayers, his phone lit up on the bedside drawer. Reaching out to it, his eyes adjusted to the blue light then sparkled in joy when he saw replied. It read—
Sure, I don’t mind. You’re in luck that I’m giving myself a break from studying.
Senselessly and ignoring the fact that it was one in the morning, his thumbs worked their magic to message you saying to get ready by ten. You texted instantly agreeing with no other questions, making the sides of his lips curl in excitement. He locked his phone and placed it back in its original position.
He dozed off satisfied and thrilled for the morning.
-
Taehyung arrived in the kitchen, fully dressed in his casual attire—a brown suit paired with his black shoes with the backing pushed down. He whistled whimsically as he found Clara also dressed for the day in her black business attire.
“You seem cheery today, baby.” She smiled as she went up to kiss his cheek. The idol paid no attention to her affection and lets it be. But she scuffled his hair to which he screeched as a complaint.
“Don’t mess it up!” Taehyung whined, despite making it messy to give the effortless look. Patting his wild strands down, Clara giggled amusingly as she clutched her handbag on the kitchen counter.
“You’re dressed nicely, do you have another schedule?” She wondered before pulling out a small mirror and her lip tint.
He pulled his phone out of his pocket, seeing another text from you that you were on your way. “No, it’s my day off.”
She lavished the wand on her lips, coating it in a soft pink. “Aww, really? If I had known, I would have taken the day off too.”
“It’s fine. Isn’t it important anyway?” He shrugged as he messaged you to be safe, settling it down on the kitchen island.
The socialite sighed in response, “Yeah, it’s a soft launch of our collaboration with another company. My dad wanted you to come, but I told them you had work.”
“Thanks for taking me out then.” He mentioned with a smirk. “Parties like that are boring.”
“Don’t remind me.” She rolled her eyes. “Love my family but I cannot bear to hear another generic speech from them.” She shoved her items back into her purse and observed her boyfriend, who was in a lighter mood today. “So how come you’re dressed up? And shocking in a good mood.”
The idol rolled his eyes as he eyed her back. “Is it shocking that I’m like this?”
“Yes, because you’re usually sour.”
Taehyung grimaced at her reply, a tad offended. He didn’t want to ruin his attitude because of her. “I’m going out with ___. Haven’t been able to see her since the party.” There was a pinch in Clara’s face when he announced his day. She peered at her boyfriend with narrowed eyes, almost like slits. Taehyung challenged her stare with a rather mundane and relaxed look. He cocked an eyebrow, muttering the word, “What?”
“Just you and her? Is Seojoon Oppa or Wooshik Oppa coming?” She inquired, hands resting on her hips.
“Just us two, like old times.” Taehyung simply answered. “We haven’t hung out in a while.”
“Yes, you have.”
“Besides the party and going to her work isn’t hanging out.” He countered as he grabbed his keys.
“You’re really making an effort to spend time with her.” The socialite pointed out as she went towards the fridge to obtain a water bottle.
“Well, everyone knows, including you, that we had a falling out, so we wanted to catch up.”
“Are you free tonight? Maybe we can have dinner together.” Clara offered. “We’ll even purchase extra sides of japchae for you.”
“I guess so?” The idol was iffy on it. “Depends how long I’ll be out with ___.”
“Wha-where are you even going with her anyway?”
His phone vibrated, with your contact name popping up. You were here and quickly pocketed his phone. “Not sure, but she’s still new to the city. I might take her to the park or a village, she loves gardens too so we’ll see. Maybe even to a cat cafe, she loves animals.”
Taehyung blabbered on, listing some suggestions, while Clara stood there listening to activities she used to ask him to do. “Whatever, you both don’t do, let’s go together.” She insisted with a gentle smile.
The idol blinked at her, forcing the curves of his mouth to go up before nodding. “We can.” Clara couldn’t tell as she clapped enthusiastically, but it was an empty promise. “She’s here, so I’m heading out.” He began walking away.
“Oh, I’ll follow you out. I have to go soon too.” The socialite trailed beside him. “Tannie was also picked up by Hyungsik for a dog date.”
Once the front door opened, a gust of wind splashed the couple’s faces. The early signs of the fall season were showing with the cooling breeze, partly cloudy and sunny skies, and change in color of the once green summer, creating the perfect weather. You waited by the walkway of the porch. You sported a buttoned-down light mocha v-neck dress over a rustic cardigan. You paired on the same pair of heels from the party. Hair was straightened this time with little to no makeup on, maybe curled your lashes and tinted your lips but that was about it.
Taehyung smiled at your presence as he jogged down to your stature. You waved at him before noticing Clara too, so you greeted her as well. “Hi Clara, are you coming too?”
The socialite puts on a smile and shook her head, “No, I have some family business to do.”She noticed the similarities to your wardrobe, but you both didn’t bother to notice. “But I hope you both have fun, okay? Tae, text me anything fun.“
Taehyung looked distracted, not even hearing what his girlfriend said. You nudged him and motioned towards Clara that she spoke to him. He turned back to see her and brainlessly nodded, “Have fun at work!” He grabbed your wrist as he unlocked the car. He basically dragged you into the vehicle as he didn’t want any more interactions happening between you and her.
Clara watched his car take off with you waving back and Taehyung ignoring her entire presence. As the vehicle grew smaller and finally out of sight, the socialite grimaced. Clenching her jaw, she had many thoughts going on and was suspicious of him, especially with you. She doesn’t know if she liked it or not, but one thing was for sure, she reached for her phone and sent a message.
-
“Taehyung, we’ve been driving for over an hour.” Looking through the tinted windows, you watched cars passing by and disrupting your view of the water. This was maybe the third bridge he drove through. But instead of coming out into a city, a small town came into your vision with many small businesses ahead.
“I don’t like being in Seoul as often as you think. There’s a place I know of that you might like. Plus, fewer people recognize me or just leave me alone compared to the city.” You stayed silent and nodded, but he knew you listened carefully. “Hmmm, you don’t like my driving?” He merely questioned as he took a left turn. “I would assume with the excellent music playlist and scenery would have you enjoying the ride.”
“Well, this is the first time I’ve seen you driving, let alone be in a car with just you.” You stated, turning back to see him focus on the road. You noticed how he removed his blazer and rolled up his sleeves. His veins were visibly seen through his honey skin. He only used one hand and held the steering wheel at the very bottom. “I’m not complaining though.”
The idol snuffed, glancing at you quickly before staring forward. “Must be weird then. We would used to walk, take the bus, or the train together.”
“Not weird…just been a while.” Shaking your head, you went back to sightseeing out your passenger window.
Taehyung’s eyes constantly shifted from gawking at you to the highway. Tightening his grip on the wheel, he used his unoccupied hand to listen to an old song that came up into shuffle. At the first beat of the song, your head shot towards the stereo receiver.
You snorted, completely incredulous at the music choice. “Jesus Christ, why do you have this on your playlist?” A smile crept up as the hit of nostalgia washed your face.
His signature boxy grin came up while watching you as he shrugged, “It’s all on shuffle. I’ve never heard it in a while, so I’m surprised as you are.”
“Do you still know the lyrics?”
“Of course, I do. You made me learn it from all the times we’ve heard it.” He scoffed as if the question shouldn’t have been asked in the first place. The traffic light turned red, making the vehicle at a stop.
“Well, let’s put it to the test then!” You challenged before amplifying the volume.
You both then sang the lyrics to the song, “Almost paradise!! A warmer day than the sun, the look in your eyes. It’s like having the whole world!” While at the stoplight, Taehyung finally focused his attention on the passenger’s seat to fully sing to you. “In my life!! Like a light in my weary life, you came to me and gave me love. If only I could keep it forever!”
“You are all of my love!” Taehyung sang or rather shouted.
“You are all of my life!” You continued.
“With my everything, I love you!!!” You sang together right before the light went back to green. While resuming the drive, you fell into a pit of laughter through what was once your favorite drama. You were surprisingly impressed that you remembered it, not seeing the show in ten years. But guess that’s what happens when you watched it eight times.
On the other hand, Taehyung’s body felt lighter after that. A very tiny memory was a core one at that moment, cherishing simpler times. It felt good, felt so right. The only thing he wished for was for the light to stay red a little longer.
-
“You still love plants, right?” He asked as you both entered the establishment. Eyes sparkled in delight when you scoped the nursery filled with various plants you’ve grown to learn over the years. Ranging from foliage to blooming to only in-season ones. It was getting colder and cloudier in Korea, so there were indoor growing lights built about the jungle of greenery. “Cats too?”
The place he brought you was also part of a cat cafe, so it combined two of your favorite interests into one. Not many individuals were here at the moment as the place opened for the day not too long ago. Scanning below you, you spotted different breeds of cats walking around, playing with scattered toys, napping, and laying down on towers
“Surprise you remembered that.” You mumbled, suppressing the excitement within you when you spotted a black feline strutting up to your form. Without thought, you picked the cat up and it immediately warmed up and trusted you. You cooed at the sight of its eyes slowly closing and melting into your arms.
Taehyung’s eyes shimmered at your interaction once again. He always knew how weak you were for animals. Back in Geochang, you would pet each chicken at his grandmother’s farm and play with other neighbors’ dogs every time you walked home together. You loved them and they loved you back.
“Why would I forget these things about you?” The idol inquired as he followed behind. You were distracted by all the plants and the kitties everywhere. “Plants were your hobby and animals were your interests.”
You turned back to him with an amused grin while he cocked an eyebrow playfully at you. He then stepped forward to reach out a hand toward the black cat. His finger stroked its head, and once he got approval, he ran his hands through the ebony coating.
“You love animals too.” You spoke up as you joined him in caressing the animal in your arms. “We used to be late in elementary school because we played with Banchan along the way.” The familiar mention of the Shiba Inu that used to live in the neighborhood brought many memories between you two. If possible, the same ones replayed in your heads.
On your first day of another school year, while holding hands, you and Taehyung walked a route your grandparents made to ensure safety for a six and seven-year-old. Though you both went to the same elementary school as his younger sister and brother, Taehyung was usually the last one to get out of bed so his siblings never bothered to wait for him and left earlier. But you did, so he’d never be lonely and you loved being with him.
However, it was very dangerous because you two were easily distracted especially regarding your interests. One of them being animals. That’s where Banchan the Shiba Inu came in because you quickly noticed the dog outside, held back by his leash. You ran up to him to give him some love while Taehyung wasn’t too far behind. Once the boy scratched his tummy, Banchan licked his face jubilantly, letting out laughter from the both of you.
Eventually, the owners, who were a sweet fairly young couple, heard your giggles and told you to go to school as it was already late into the schedule but promised that you could play with their dog after school. Though they received pouts and whines, you obliged and left for the school day, then came back once the day was over.
Needless to say, it became an occurring “Banchan morning love” time followed by being late for the past month, getting light scoldings from his parents and your grandparents after getting calls from your school. But the couple was kind enough to both of you by giving every Saturday dedicated to playing with Banchan, in exchange for being punctual. This continued until the couple moved out of Geochang the next year, bidding goodbye to your furry friend.
“He was too fluffy to not pet!” Taehyung still reasoned after all those years passed. His hand dropped to his side when he found an orange feline, cautiously stalking toward him. Watching his every move, the apricot-hued animal eventually slammed its body onto the idol, making him laugh at the aggressive begging to be pet. He carried it into his arms and paced beside you. “You have this Shiba Inu just hanging outside your house. Not expecting little kids to just go and play??”
You chuckled as those words were probably verbatim of our reasonings to his parents. “We still got our way.” Whilst holding the cuddly cat buddy, you roamed around the cafe nursery. The plant selection was gorgeous and difficult to even buy just one. You would buy one, but…now wasn’t a time to be spending willy-nilly.
“Do you still have your plant collection?” Taehyung asked, recollecting the memories of you repotting, watering, and talking to your babies (what you called them).
You sighed as you grazed your thumb over a leaf of a little monstera deliciosa. “No, unfortunately, I donated them away to the children’s center back home before I left. I wasn’t able to bring them all and I knew no one would be caring for them either.”
Taehyung’s mind recaptured memories of you and your grandmother tending toward the little porch garden. He never understood the immense hobby for it, but you enjoyed your plants and with that, he used to help you every now even educating himself. There were instances where he surprised Namjoon with his vast knowledge of certain plants and the caring they needed.
However, knowing that you’ve shared this hobby with your grandmother who passed long ago, it saddened him knowing you weren’t able to continue something you loved anymore, especially when it was with your grandmother. “H-how about your grandfather? He could have taken care of them.”
Something in your eyes peeked through. No spark, no light, it was rather dark, almost solemn but obscure. Taehyung couldn’t fully comprehend what it meant. To the best of his knowledge, the look seemed similar to an occurrence when you were younger but it was hard to tell. He hated not knowing.
Yet he had to remind himself his memories with you weren’t enough to know everything about who you were now and your current situations. How you used to be doesn’t equate to who you are now. But it was hard not to.
“Uh, just too old and such.” You rushed as you paid attention to the section of Devil’s Ivy. “Plus, his focus was on the fruits and vegetables in the land. It would be too much for him to handle on top of that.” You seemed a bit frazzled when you spoke, most likely not wanting to talk anymore about it. So you decided to change the topic, “Are you getting anything?” You moved further into the back of the nursery.
“I’m fine with getting some brunch in the cafe, but did you want anything?” He asked before settling the orange cat down. You did the same to your black one but plastered a kiss on its head before letting it free with its friends. Taehyung took notice of it and a side of his lips curved up.
“Uhh, no. I’m okay.” You shook your head, continuing to stare at the beautiful Peace lily plants. They didn’t have their flowers, but they were beautiful all year round. But Taehyung trailed your line of sight at them and saw a bit of longing and want. “You know Peace lily plants, or as they are scientifically called, Spathiphyllum, are known for their air-purifying abilities, and grow in a bright spot out of direct sunlight. They’re a bringer of peace, especially when they bloom their white flowers.” You rambled on with your in-hand facts as he listened. He never really understood, but somehow absorbed it easily.
Cutting your long speech, he commented, “Weren’t these your first plant?”
Stopping your mouth from moving, you blinked at him dumbstruck at his sharp mind. “How could you ev—I got Penny before I met you!” Yes, you named your Peace lily Penny, an American name but it was so easy to remember. And yes, your Peace lily was also a girl.
“You talked to her every day since we met before we would play. You talked to me about her and how special she was, and how excited you were every time she bloomed flowers.” Taehyung listed it down humorously and you couldn’t help but be stunned that he remembered all of that at the top of his head. “Also how could I forget when you cried when she died and found out they only last three to five years.”
Jesus Christ, you too remembered that day clearly. When you were eight, Penny died on you no matter how much you talked to her and fed water to her and drooping leaves. You wept into your grandmother’s arms and then into Taehyung’s before your grandmother explained that plants like Penny don’t last as long, it was part of their cycle.
Still, you were heartbroken, so to cheer you up, Taehyung gathered his entire household and yours to make a funeral, commemorating Penny, your first plant.
“I didn’t know!” You rolled your eyes, then cringed at the thought of your utter despair for a plant. “Then again, you and I both know death loves to come my way.”
You said it as a joke, but then Taehyung’s pupils dilated even choking on his spit. He tapped on his chest harshly while you rubbed his back as a sign of concern and comfort. Once he settled down into a calmer state, you said, “Guess my dark sense of humor is surprising to you?”
Of course, it was. Death was always a sensitive topic, especially experiencing it at a young age. You whined easily when your parents were mentioned or the words “dead” or “die” came into the conversation. “More so.” Taehyung shrugged worryingly in contrast to your light demeanor.
“It’s easier to cope with it.” You hummed, playing with the Peace lily’s bright green leaves. “Death, life, and especially when the people you love aren’t your life anymore.” You glanced back at his shocked state, observing the sudden pain in his eyes. You didn’t mean to say it like that, but it became a habit that you couldn’t stop yourself to do.
Taehyung said no comment on it, seeing as how casual you looked after you said that. He lets it be and wanted to lighten the mood. He shook himself out of the shock and cleared his throat. “If you want it, I’ll buy it for you.”
“No, I wouldn’t want that.” You scoffed before rolling your eyes.
“But I want to.” He pouted before inspecting the pots of Peace lilies for the perfect one. “Consider it as a gift. I invited you out anyway.”
“Taehyung, no!”
“Why not?!”
“Buying things is too much for me…” You mumbled, now fiddling with your fingers. Hoping he would understand, you also said, “They cost too.”
He hummed in response. “Does it look like I care about the cost? I’m not bragging but I am a world star.” You furrowed your eyebrows at his haughty explanation, it was quite entertaining. He meant well, but the words weren’t supporting him. He too caught on and wanted to mentally punch himself. “No, that’s no—lemme rewind.” You chuckled softly at his tense state as you crossed your arms over yourself. “I have a bit more spending money compared to when we were teens, so I’d like to give you things that you desire and want.”
You squinted at what he said, thinking very wrongly of it. “I’m not saying that it is, but you sounded like a sugar daddy.”
He opened his mouth, but quickly closed it, not knowing how to even respond to that. But he disregarded what you said. “The point is—I want to give things. I don’t mind paying. I love giving gifts. I’m a gift giver, to my friends, and family, and that also includes you, ___.”
Your teeth were in between your lips, still, not all convinced. “I still need to pay you back for the hospital bill.”
“That’s weeks ago and I don’t recall any mentions of you paying me back.” He retorted, completely baffled by your weak reasoning. “I wouldn’t have agreed either, so let that go.”
“Bu—”
“You’ve been eyeing these plants since we came here, I know you want them.” He lifted the perfect pot of Peace lily. The pigment held the summer vibrancy despite the Fall weather coming soon. A ray of leaves fanned out happily and proudly to its blossomed curve. It was still a baby, being held from the bottom of the terracotta pot with a single hand of Taehyung’s. “Even if you say no, I’ll still get them.”
“This one you picked up does have a nice shape to it.” You pointed out, but he knew you were inching to accept his offer.
“You also can start a collection here. I’ll even help you tend to them unless you want me to.”
“You do realize plants and the care are expensive.”
“Then I’ll provide them for you.”
“Okay, that’s too mu—”
“You loved planting, ___, but you had to stop.” He blurted out, zipping up any reasoning from you. “You did it with your grandmother too, it was something you bonded together over. Something you remembered her with.” He saw your eyes move around yet still managed the gaze you gave him. “I don’t want you to lose that.”
The mentioning of your grandmother ached your heart. It has been a while since you spoke about her. The vivid images of her teaching you about all those plants popped to mind, nostalgically and memorially. It was because of her, you found this loving hobby of plant care and it was something you never wanted to let go of, even if you left for Seoul.
Your eyes watered, but not enough for them to spill. You blinked continuously as you controlled your breath. You simply nodded, completely sold on what Taehyung said. “I’ll get him.” You retrieved the pot into your two hands as you scanned your new baby.
A bright smile morphed onto Taehyung’s face as he heard little whispers from you to the Peace lily. “Him now?” You hummed as you grinned happily. “Does he have a name?”
“Don’t know…maybe after you? Tae?” You quipped to which he laughed.
“Me? Why? You never named your plants after any of us?” He chirped as he looked at the plant. “But Tae seems nice for him.”
“They are known to be dramatic.” You informed. “They droop and act like they’re dying if you don’t water them or give attention.”
“Did you just insult me?” He gasped, putting a hand over his chest as if he was offended.
“No, it’s fact.” You snorted as you carried your baby in the cafe’s direction. “I’ve seen those Run BTS episodes.” Taehyung chuckled more as he retrieved more equipment you needed into his hands and arms.
You highlighted once again that you followed the band and its entertainment beyond music. It still stunned him, but only because he didn’t think you’d do so after what happened. He even talked about it briefly before. But you said that despite the ending of your friendship, you were tremendously proud of him and his members’ success. You loved the message they conveyed and all that they’ve done to endure it.
Not enough words or presents would express his gratitude towards you. He felt undeserving of your gentle actions and affable behavior, yet he was very selfish to continue to want it. In his eyes, you were never a pushover or an attached brat. You gave all that you could to those you loved because they were who you had in life, the only ones. They were the only ones who’ve seen the vulnerability and dedication in you and you weren’t willing to spread it as often even if you did. You were needy in the best of ways because it showed you also wanted a shoulder to lean on, especially maturing at a very early age.
There were so many things about you that screamed perfection, caring, warm-hearted, and resiliency. Just you in general, and Taehyung was eternally grateful to see it through his own very eyes as well as experience the way you gave yourself and spoke to him with so much passion and tenderness. No one was more true than you, his Blue.
In the past, there were so many reasons why Taehyung loved you, and unexpectedly—at least to him—why he hopelessly fell in love with you.
-
Knowing each other since a young age and being best friends, it was obvious how much Taehyung loved you. He always loved you, even telling it to you many times every day. It was so easy to say and he meant it. He would do anything for you. He cared and wanted to protect you. You even said it back, so it was natural to speak about love within your relationship.
However, loving and being in love was not as obvious. There was a fine line between the two that was difficult to pinpoint. It often gets the betterment of people, even when they’re older and wiser. You can bounce from one to the other all you want without realizing it, but you eventually had to choose a side.
In Taehyung’s case, he learned about this decision at the beginning of his teenage years. In his first year of high school and when he first joined his soccer club, his older players would bring up topics about sex and love more than they should. Teammates were split in half, wanting sex and wanting love. He didn’t listen as much, but he did recall somewhere along the lines of having a partner to hold and cherish eternally.
With that, he went to his father regarding the love his teammates were talking about. “Well, the definition of love is very broad and can be interpreted many ways, son.” His father, Jitae, began, cocking his head to the side in thought.
“They talked about having someone to hold and adore eternally,” Taehyung repeated from his memories.
“Hmm, so I guess my example would be me and your mom.” Jitae brought out as he clapped his hands together. “Because I love having her by my side and being by her side. I’m in love with your mom, and that will never change.”
“In love?” He questioned, not getting what that meant. “Don’t you love us? We’re your kids!”
His father laughed endearingly at his son. “Of course, I love you, and Eunjeong, and Sungyeon. I love all of you! You three gave me all the more reasons to love and stay on Earth.” He defended. “However, loving and being in love are different. The love I have for your mom is different from my love for my kids.”
“What did you mean?”
“I certainly don’t want to go into detail, but I’m head over heels for your mom. I’ve been way before we had you three. You kids gave me a reason to stay on Earth, she gave me a reason to be alive. Every time I look at her, my heart starts racing or skips a beat. I’m deeply committed to her as she does to me. She’s my partner, my wife. She’s my connection, she makes me feel better, do greater, a comfort.” Jitae explained thoroughly. “I would do anything for her.”
While Taehyung processed these thoughts and explanations, he had certain questions. “Will I have that? Do I have that now?”
“I hope that you’ll have that.” Smiling, his father patted down his son’s hair. “And to answer your second question, you’re still young. I found your mom when we were in our 20s, so there’s a lot of time. But there are possibilities.”
“Like?”
“Well, do you have someone who you’re in love with?” Jitae picked out as he stared at Taehyung. “Having a connection, to make you feel better, do greater, your comfort. Heart skips every time. You would do anything for them.”
Taehyung had no answer as he tried his best to think with his developing adolescent brain. Jitae had a specific person in mind but decided not to say anything for his son to figure it out himself.
Time passed, yet his mind stayed stagnant with this idea. It intrigued him to an extent, wondering if he would ever have the experience of feeling how his dad felt toward his mom. He knew that he loved all around, his parents, his siblings, his friends, your grandparents, and of course, you. But the act of being in love?
He thought about what his father had told him, being connected, feeling better, and doing better. A comfort in his life, and would do anything for them. The list was easy to eliminate options. Well, there was nothing to cancel out because all those traits went straight to you. You were the first person that popped into his head.
Strange though…or rather perplexed to say the least. How would it be possible? He loved you, that was a given, but in love? You weren’t a partner or wife, you were his best friend, his Blue! Does that even suffice?
Suddenly a realization was brought upon him. Heart beating fast, skipping beats? He doesn’t think he has ever gotten that from you. He took you into his arms many times, even intertwining his fingers together with yours. He kissed your temples, head, and cheeks. Yet nothing happened to his heart.
Maybe you weren’t the one he was in love with. His father did say that he was still young and had a lot of years ahead. Why did this even bug his mind anyway? Why was he thinking too much about this? He was a teenager; he needed to think about other things like gaming, friends, and sleep. Anything really besides love.
He did love you though and wouldn’t give up anything in the world to not have that feeling anymore.
However, it took a while for him to see how special you so were to him. And how did he find out?
You had your first crush.
It was some boy named Jinhwan in your class. He was a kind and smart boy from what you told him and even let you borrow his pen when yours ran out of ink. You partnered up with him one day on an assignment and you have gotten to know him better. Days after he kept talking to you during breaks and sometimes bypassing. Each encounter felt more whimsical and fluttering to your heart, and eventually, you realized that you had a crush on him.
However, get this—you didn’t tell Taehyung.
You surprisingly spoke to his sister, which shocked and insulted him. He didn’t understand why because he was your best friend after all. All that information was from Eunjeong who assumed that you told him. New flash, you didn’t and it flabbergasted the boy.
He felt offended that you didn’t tell him and told his sister. His sister?? Last thing he remembered he was your best friend, not her. You told him everything, you even told him when you got your first period before anyone else. Why’d you tell her and not him?
There was a slight tinge of jealousy coursing through his body. Not sharing was partial towards his emotion, but the primary reason was the very thought of you liking another boy.
It was weird and uncomfortable for him. Like why have a crush on a boy that you met at your school? Gross. QYou practically knew nothing about him except that that Jinhyuk boy was nice, but that wasn’t even a fact and that was based on judgment by the individual. If you had a crush on someone, it should be someone that you knew for a long time, who understood you, who cherished you, who kept you in their arms at all times, and who would give the world to you. Someone like hi—
Yeah, he realized he was in love with you.
But he suppressed them right now to be upset, but not at you though. Only the fact that you didn’t tell him. Whether or not he was in love with you, but he really was, you didn’t inform him of something important that could change your life. He was about to march to your house when Eunjeong stopped him to inform him that you stayed back at school because Jinhwan asked to speak with you. Rumor has it that he was going to confess to you, indicating he too had a crush on you. Mutual pining. And that made Taehyung’s heart sink into an abysmal hole.
Fuck, it was too late.
-
Taehyung waited on the steps of your front porch, staring down at his feet. Hours passed since school ended and there was no sight of you near. He felt worried, upset, sad, and all various kinds of emotions right now, but most importantly, in love. In love with you.
Why didn’t he notice it any sooner? Then again, nothing changed between you two. Yeah, you were getting older, developing maturely and elegantly. But you were you, his Blue. He was him, your Hyungie. There was no difference within your dynamic, other than getting closer to one another as the seconds went on. So if this was true, then was he in love with you this whole time? How would that even be possible? He was a child when he met you. Yet again, he always loved you since the moment he met you.
The sound of shoes dragging along the concrete and sniffles broke his running mind. Once he raised his head, he was met with your puffy eyes and tear-stained cheeks. Mouth quivered loosely with every rapid gasp coming out of you to stop the weeping of your cries. His mind went full alarm as he shot up from the stairs to go up to you.
With every step, he cautiously observed you. You were fighting back the sobs as you tried pursing your lips together. But when he puts you in between his arms with his hands around your back, he asked, “My Blue, what happened? What did he do to you?”
You broke every resistance inside of you and cried like a baby into his chest. The same exact cry when you ran away after Jinhwan stole your first kiss and embarrassed you by laughing at your confession in front of his friends. Little did you know it was all recorded, or when you were crying your poor self out behind a building, so then he proceeded to upload it online for everyone.
So you bawled out even more so until you were tired of crying and mindlessly walked home. But you saw your worried best friend waiting for you, ready to give you the comfort you needed and deserved. Your entire soul collapsed onto him.
“Hy-Hyun-Hyungie!” You keened, slithering your arms over his chest as you gripped onto his uniform shirt that you drenched in your tears. “I-I-I—”
“Shhh, no. It’s okay. You’re safe, Blue.” He shushed you as he had one hand over your head and the other hooked around your waist. Your form bounced as your sobbing overpowered your breathing. “I’m here now. Don’t worry. I’ll always be here.”
-
After hours passed once again, you, fortunately, stopped shedding tears though your emotions were still heightened and intense. You had to lie to your grandparents and say that you were sick to not go to school the following day. They knew you weren’t ill, but they knew something was up since it was uncommon of you. They let you be and hoped it’d make you feel okay.
Taehyung never left your side, having you in his arms or within reach. He even slept over for the night. But once it hit your “bedtime,” your minds were still awake. Your best friend thought it was a good idea for you to escape for the time being, so you both did. And what better way than to sneak out of your window in the dead of night to go to the park and hang out under the blossoming tree? It was your favorite pastime together after discovering that you could do things without your grandparents and his parents knowing.
When the gentle breeze touched your skin, the serenity of the starry sky pricked with specks of stars, and no one else but your best friend was right by your side. You let the setting calm every nerve in you, closing your eyes and taking the deepest breaths.
Taehyung kissed your hair before resting his cheek on the top of your head. His growth spurge over the winter time let him be much bigger than your stature. He hated seeing you like that, heartbroken, undeserving of what happened to you, and crying over some stupid ass boy who doesn’t deserve shit from you or anyone. He wanted to beat this boy up, but you told him no because he wasn’t worth it and you hated violence. He had to oblige, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t call his sister up and tell her to punch him in the throat.
“How are you feeling now, Blue?” He whispered, staring up at the night before you.
“Less crappy, but better now.” You sighed, laying your head on his shoulder and leaning closer toward his form. “I feel like an idiot.”
“No, you’re not. Those boys were dicks and Jinseok guy was a complete asshole.” Taehyung countered, feeling upset that you were talking down upon yourself. “You didn’t deserve anything that was given to you like that.”
“Still, I fell for it.” You frowned as you stared down at your fingers playing with each other. “I should have known. No boy ever liked me because I’m ugl—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” He interjected sharply, his restrained vocal cords due to puberty somehow helped his voice drop an octave. “Don’t ever succumb your worth with pea-minded small dick boys.”
“Then why aren’t I liked by anyone?” You complained, balling your hands into fists as you tried controlling the tears that threatened to come out again. “So many of my peers got confessions, always overheard boys talk about how pretty my classmates were, or even asked me about Eunjeong because she thought she was cute and I knew her.”
“Blue—”
“And don’t get me started on you.” Your attention went on him and his large irises looking back questionably. “You told me about all the confessions you had from this past year alone and how you rejected them all, but you still keep getting them.”
“___—”
“I mean it’s a given that you’ve always been handsome and always nice and caring to others. I just feel so shitty about myself because I don’t ever feel confident in myself, as a best friend and as a—”
“No!” Taehyung shouted, causing you to flinch and pause your rambling. His mind was all over the place. First, you called him handsome and while you did consistently mention it in the past, this was the first time he noticed how much his heart was racing and how he was getting squirrels in his stomach.
Second, he didn’t like hearing your self-deprecations at all. Did you really think so lowly of yourself? Not once did you show any signs. It wasn’t right and he should have caught on earlier.
“Stop doing that. Stop talking bad about yourself.” He shook his head before reaching out for your hands to hold. “And don’t compare yourself to others, Blue.”
“How can I not? I’m surrounded by it all the time, aka you!”
“I-I’m sorry I made you feel that way.”
“No, no. Not you. I’m sorry. I—” You stopped yourself, trying to collect your thoughts into a reasoning argument. “I just feel like I’m not good enough sometimes. Like I guess, this was more than that stupid prank and lie Jinhwan did or not being liked by anyone. Like, I’m never enough to satisfy or be worth something in someone’s life.”
For some odd reason, he couldn’t help but chuckle. Sure, your words were raw and from the depths of your heart but really? Not enough to be worth something in someone’s life? Seemed a little bit exaggerated.
Hearing his laughter, your eyebrows pinched together and cheeks puffed into anger at his response. But before you could even get a single sound out of you, he commented, “Now that’s an insult to me.”
Now your expression resembled confusion, “What do you m—”
“Why would you even say something like that when you’re literally everything in my life?”
His words punched you in the throat, taking your very breath away. “D-don’t—you don’t mean that! I said something, not—”
“Now why would I lie? I never lie to you! I do mean that, and I said everything because you are everything!” Taehyung retorted. He used one hand to hold your waist, pulling you into his lap. Sitting in between his legs, you laid back onto his chest as his chin stayed on your shoulder. “You mean so much more than you could ever imagine to me. Y-yo-you’re my best friend, Blue. I can’t have you think that you’re any less for others, me, and yourself especially. It breaks my heart knowing that I’m not helping you through that.”
“Don’t carry my burden on you.” You muttered quietly. “My whole self-esteem is just at its low and blowing out of proportion. I just became a teenager. You can’t really help me on this one.”
“I bet I can.” His eyes lit up, making you turn back to see him. Your faces were centimeters away. While you stared casually at his face, he felt his breathing slipping away at the gorgeous sight of you under the fluorescent moon. He managed to catch him without notice and continued. “I—I think you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve seen in my entire life, and I’m blessed that I get to see you every single day. If people don’t see it, they weren’t gifted with seeing the true beauty that you hold.”
You gawked wordlessly, pupils dilating by the second as he spoke with endearment and authenticity. Heartbeat fastened as he spoke on. “___ ___, you’ve been and always will be worth it, in my life, in your grandparents’ life, my family’s, anyone who comes across you. Don’t support that mindset with people of less importance in your life because it doesn’t help you. Focus on who matters, like you.”
“I can help by reminding you to not speak such foulness about yourself, pointing out the way you impact my and your loved ones’ lives, and showing you how beautiful you are because you truly are.” Using his unoccupied hand, he pushed a strand out of your face and tucked it behind your ear. “These little boys must have dead skin cells coming out of their shit-stained mouths if they don’t think you, ___ ___, are beautiful.”
You blinked rapidly and your lower lips pouted out as if it was the only reaction you could give. The little voice in your head begged to differ. But with his piercing coffee-swirled eyes at you, it slowly diminished and lowered its volume. It was hard to tell with your conscious, but you believed him even if it was just a little bit.
You saw him leaning closer, his eyes shut smoothly. Staying still but eyes widening with every centimeter closer, your mind was on blast, anticipating his next move. However, he did a little turn-up and kissed the tip of your nose lightly.
You shook your head out of surprise. Why did you expect something else? Of course, Taehyung was always affectionate toward you. You couldn’t react any further as he brought you closer to him and peppered kisses onto your shoulder. You blinked away and focused straight into the night, trying to relax.
“The only thing I wish I could do was to stop that kiss from happening.” He spoke again with a huff. “I’m sorry your first kiss was with that fucking jerk. God, are you sure you don’t want me to beat him up?”
There the tenseness you didn’t realize you had in your body blew away and was replaced by laughter. “You shouldn’t resort to violence. He was a dick, but I can’t change the past. I wished too though.”
“Which is why you should always come to me first before you go do something.” Taehyung scolded in a know-it-all way, making you roll your eyes in defense. “I didn’t even know you had a crush until Eunjeong told me and she only did so because she thought I knew already! Why didn’t you tell me, Blue?”
Your form suddenly shrunk and sunk into his body, feeling the hotness steaming up your cheeks. “I know I tell you everything, but this was different…”
“How is it different?”
“I-I-I needed a girl’s opinion.”
“Oh.” Was all he could say. It made sense, you were a girl while he was a boy. There were certain things he may not understand from a guy’s perspective and he couldn’t defend himself.
“Don’t worry. I learned my lesson. If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you.” You promised.
But you never did.
“And I will do the same back.” He added, to open your communication together.
“You know I don’t think you ever told me you had a crush on someone.” You mentioned, tilting your head as you gazed into the distance with wonder.
You heard a deep chuckle followed by a vibration on your back. “That’s because back then I don’t think I liked someone enough to consider it a crush.”
“Then surely, you have someone that you like. I mean you’re in high school too with new people.”
“Yes, I’m in high school but that doesn’t mean anything.” He shrugged as he nuzzled into your neck, making you giggle at the ticklishness.
“So you don’t like any girl, or guy, or someone?” You tried your best not to assume anything. Since he didn’t like anyone, you didn’t know what he liked.
He laughed again, throwing his head back. “You’re so silly sometimes.” Exhaling, he smiled warmly while squeezing your hand. You focused on him with your doe eyes, an innocent smile faint on your lips. He looked down for a split second, hoping you didn’t notice. Judging by the continued look on your face, you weren’t seeing anything out of the ordinary. But he could see everything changing in him, in you, and between each other.
He was stuck in this conundrum. It would be selfish of him to tell you how he felt after getting your heart broken by another. You most likely won’t reciprocate back and he doesn’t even know how you think of him beyond being his best friend. He also didn’t want to ruin the friendship, the strong bond you two created for nearly ten years to be destroyed because he caught feelings for you. He loves you. Dear God, he was in love with you and only you.
But he couldn’t do it. And he didn’t know if he will ever.
“I-If-If I like someone, I’ll be sure to tell you, Blue.” He replied carefully as his fingers tapped over the smooth skin on the back of your hands.
But he never did.
“‘Kay!” You didn’t think any more of it. In fact, you felt a whole lot better after talking to Taehyung. He always knew how to reassure you about your insecurities and dilemmas your teenage brain liked to give you and cause harm. Your fingers found their way to intertwine with his. “At least I know I’ll always have one guy in my life that I’ll love.” His eyes widened, lips slightly parting. “I will always love you, Hyungie.” You pressed your lips onto his soft cheek before you laid your head onto the crevice of his shoulder.
He doesn’t know if you felt how hard his heart thumped in his chest. If you did, you don’t bother bringing it up. He doesn’t know this feeling, was it good or bad? But having you in his arms felt so perfect. Yet the fear of you finding out dreaded his entire soul. It would break him if something were to happen between you two. Was this what being in love was like? Why was it scaring him?
“A-and I will always love you, Blue.” He meant it at the bottom of his heart, but he didn’t mean it in the way you did.
And he doesn’t think it would be from here on.
-
You made it through the day with Taehyung. An invisible thin barrier held you back earlier in the day, but it eventually evaporated the more you talked to him, like how you were before. You don’t know how many hours passed in that cafe because together you spent all that time eating and playing with the cats. You opened up a little more to him and told him about your college years and why you chose to move to Seoul.
You explained how stagnant life has been for you for a while and thought you’d lead to nowhere if you continued to stay in the area you lived for your entire life. You managed to get by and thought of suppressing the feeling until your grandfather convinced you. You were very much hesitant, as it was going to be out of your comfort zone, but you and he both knew it was the right decision to make. It was also the only school that accepted you that wasn’t in Geochang, because it was the only one you applied for that wasn’t Geochang.
Taehyung did try to ask a question about your grandfather, but he noticed how brief and vague your answers were. You changed the subject and turned it on him when he did so. Maybe you weren’t ready to talk about it? Or you just didn’t want to tell him. Ever since his family moved as well as the passing of your grandmothers, contact has been lost through the years. Even if Taehyung tried to contact back, he wouldn’t know if you were still in Geochang or not and unfortunately, he did not have the time to check.
Nonetheless, the two of you enjoyed your time together. Of course, while staying hidden for Taehyung’s sake. After the cafe, he drove back into the city where he kinda took you shopping. You say kinda because he attempted to buy things for you and you said no, but he didn’t care so you just walked away from him. He got the message and begged for forgiveness, but it was all fine. You treated him corn dogs as a light snack or at least attempted to because when you pulled out of your wallet, he tapped his card with ease.
When the sun went down, you assumed the day was over, but not for the idol. He took you to a jazz nightclub he has been dying to go to for ages. Everyone he invited was always busy or tired. He even invited Clara, and they were about to go but she got sick.
The opportunity was right there, so Taehyung insisted. You didn’t mind at all, you were excited about it. By the end of the time there, you loved every second of it, even catching some songs here and there. It surprised him, but he never realized until now that it was you who introduced him to the love of jazz.
Nighttime fell when the both of you got out, and the city lights illuminated the area. For a Sunday night, it was pretty crowded and Taehyung suggested going somewhere quiet. You were about to protest that it was time to go home, but your stomach gargled aloud that the idol wanted to put food in you right away. Knowing he wasn’t taking a no on this one, you gave up.
But you settled for some street food, rice and fish cakes, bibimmyeon, suyuk,and ice cream for dessert. Taehyung knew a nearby park and thought it’d be nice to eat under a tree, getting away from all the people. So here you were—stomachs filled to the brim and enjoying the nice view from where you say while tasting the sweet confection.
Once in a while, Taehyung mentioned memories of him and his members regarding instances perfect for the moment. This one was about the park. “I used to come here a lot with Jimin actually, when we were younger. It was always secluded, so even after debut, no one was around.”
“I wonder why? This place is amazing at night.” Your eyes roamed at the calm scenery. The cooling autumn wind caressed you while the hours of darkness cascaded around. The stars weren’t as prominent, but they were exchanged by the blinking lights of the city buildings and skyscrapers.
It almost felt like deja vu.
Taehyung looked over towards you and noticed how you stared into the outlook. A tender grin crept on your mouth as you slowly closed your eyes.
“Never bothered to ask that when you finally get privacy.” He muttered as he finished his ice cream and threw it in the trash bag you made. “Been a while since I came here though. I miss it here. Jimin would also like it too.”
A giggle came out of you, “You talk about your members a lot.”
“I-Is-Is that noticeable?” A peak of blush swiped across his cheeks.
“Well, from the whole day, yeah. I practically know everything about them through you.” You snuffed in delight. “It’s nice though. You care about them. I’m sure with the break, you don’t see them as often?”
“Yeah, the last time I saw everyone together was Jungkook’s party. Everyone is doing their own thing.” Taehyung informed with a deep sigh. “I do care about them, and miss them. But lately, it’s a bit of bother sometimes that I’m glad I’m away from them.”
You flung your eyes open in shock before turning to meet his attention. “What do you mean?”
“There’s just a lot going on in my own life, and I feel like they coddle or smother me with things.” He explained, but not enough to give too many details. He has yet to tell you what his current situation was and was a bit insecure about it. He knew you wouldn’t judge, you were the last person he’d ever think to judge, but the timing wasn’t right. He recently got you back into his life, but he thought it would be too much for you to find out what happened to your best friend all these years in between. A bit ashamed, really.
Unlike him, you don’t further speculate. You hummed in response, moving forward from the topic. But you do say, “As you care for them, they care for you even if it’s the type you don’t want.”
He didn’t have any response to that. Instead, he shifted the topic to something lighter to mend his curiosity. “You know how you’ve been following the group and all,” The idol began and you waited for him to continue. “So who’s your favorite in the group?”
With that, a hearty laugh spewed out of your lips with your shoulders shaking. Taehyung’s eyes widened at your giddy expression. This was the first time he heard you laugh so hard since the reunion. If anything, in a while for that matter. He missed that wonderful sound, seeing the happiness and enjoyment shine off of you. It was the best thing he ever experienced with you.
“Why?” You asked as the giggling died down.
“I mean you’ve seen our content and finally met the guys, so I’m sure you would have a favorite.” Taehyung reasoned as he leaned back into the tree trunk. “Despite loving us equally, fans have those bias and bias wreckers, right?”
“They would freak out if they knew that you knew that.” You said before exhaling deeply. “I guess I do have a favorite.”
“Who?” He sounded way too excited there, then realized you probably never chose him so he shrunk into his body.
“Do you think it would have been you?” You inquired humorously.
“A-At first, but then, I forgot we’ve stopped talking and…you hated me.”
You observed his behavior, feeling rather unguarded of himself when he spoke. You sensed the shame seeping out of him. “Yeah, we didn’t talk but I never hated you, Taehyung.” You licked your lips, remembering the earlier times when you did say those hurtful words. “I did say it back then, but as I said, I never meant it.”
“So, does that mean I was your favorite?” His pupils sparkled underneath the moonlight.
“No, it’s Hoseok.” You replied scoffingly. “Even if I didn’t hate you, that didn’t mean I chose you as my favorite. Are you kidding me?” You say as you finished your dessert, and threw it into the bag.
“So why Hoseok Hyung?” The pout on his lips was so evident that he was somewhat offended you didn’t choose him. “What does he have that made you pick him?”
“First off, super talented with his rapping and dancing. I like his style, as an artist and for fashion. He’s practically innocent in all the shit you do with games and jokes, I feel bad sometimes just watching him get punished. Sweet, down to Earth, great smile, handsome, I forgot to sa—”
“Okay, I get it. You like him!” The idol interjected. His tone was infused with green envy as you were able to list down many characteristics about his member without thought.
You grinned at how he was being, but never acknowledged it so he wouldn’t be embarrassed as much. But maybe, just maybe you wanted to point another thing out. “It also sealed the deal when you had to kiss him as a penalty.”
A combination of grimace, scowl, and disgust appeared on his face at the horrible and traumatizing memory. It was a punishment, for something he can’t remember and didn’t want to, but it was still a punishment. It also didn’t help that that was his first kiss. Hoseok hated it, he hated it, and for that, it was lost in the past until you brought it up.
“Please, don’t bring that up.” He wallowed in agony, but you kept smiling. “Before you say anything else, yes, he was my first kiss. It’s one of the most tragic things ever.”
While he covered his face with his palms, he doesn’t notice the smile going flat on you as you watched him. Once he looked back up, you held the curves of the mouth up. “It’s fine. At least we both have shitty first kisses, but you had it with someone you care for.”
Taehyung muttered something you couldn’t quite comprehend before his phone vibrated on the grass. It caught both of your attention and saw that it was Clara messaging him. There were twenty-four messages specifically. He then grabbed his phone to view her texts.
The harsh taps on his screen followed him throwing his phone into his jacket. Frowning as he looked back up into the sky, he blew a sigh through his nostrils. He seemed frustrated, probably from what was said in between texts. You didn’t want to assume thought. You then checked the time and it was close to midnight. Maybe that had to do with it.
“We should go, it’s getting late.” You cleared your throat as you began gathering the trash bags.
His head turned in your direction, “Are you tired?”
“Kinda, I also have school and work tomorrow.” You stated. “You should go home too because Clara might get upset for not coming home early.”
“She’s fine.” He mumbled, waving it off. “I just told her we’re still having our dinner and stuff…”
He wasn’t necessarily lying, but it didn’t sound right either. “Was she okay with it?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” He shrugged before smacking his lips. “So do you wanna go home now? Don’t want you to stay out too late to have fewer hours of sleep. How’s that by the way?”
You rolled your eyes, grinning a little at his concern for your health. “Better, but I still don’t get the ideal eight hours. Grad school is a bit hard and time-consuming, so it’s nice to do things like this.” You gestured around you.
“So I’m assuming you don’t want to go yet?” The idol smirked as he nodded toward the parking lot.
You thought about it for a second. If Clara was fine with him staying out and spending time with you, then you guessed that it wouldn’t hurt to stay a little longer. You were enjoying the view before you when she texted. “Maybe a few more minutes.” You held your thumb and index up, signaling a tiny space between the two as emphasis.
Taehyung chuckled at your demeanor, he saw more of a playful you opening up. He too didn’t want to leave just yet, and certainly not leave because his girlfriend said so. This was his time with you, and he wanted to cherish it.
The both of you continued to sit in silence, gazing into the city night. This place was a perfect spot to see the bridge, the buildings, and the lights, yet remained secluded. It was fascinating to you how different Seoul nights were compared to Geochang. Your hometown wasn’t as crowded and you would always see familiar faces. However, here, every day was different, and areas were swarming. Though the majority of the customers were old, working at the restaurant made you shocked at how late people enjoyed going out. If anything, Geochang had an unofficial curfew at ten at night.
As you were staring, there was a little voice in your head shouting about Clara. After meeting and conversing with her, you saw how genuine and lovely the socialite was. She was invested in the things you spoke about as well as passionate about what she does but remained as humble. Clara would ask questions about how Taehyung was when he was younger and learned more about her boyfriend.
You didn’t hate her, there was no reason to. She was always good to you, but deep down, you felt somewhat uncomfortable being near her. You found yourself comparing her to you, and you didn’t understand why. After all, she was Kim Taehyung’s girlfriend of five years—that was a long time and would probably marry her.
While you were just an estranged friend from his younger years.
“So…” You spoke out, taking his attention away from the scenery. “I didn’t mention it before, but good to see you with someone. You and Clara.”
“Really?” He sounded in disbelief.
“Yeah,” Your pitch was a little higher than usual, but you were genuine.
The entire time you’ve known him, he never voiced out liking or wanting anyone. It concerned and agitated you at one point, even when he left for training. You really don’t know what happened in that ten-year gap, but he came out with a pretty steady girlfriend who loves him dearly.
“At least by now, I know you can fall in love or have a crush on someone.” You quipped as you nudged him by the shoulder. He stayed quiet for a bit, processing what you said but you continued with your speech. “I think Clara’s great for you, almost complementing your entire aura. You have an old soul while she’s very refreshing.” While you blabbered away about his girlfriend, Taehyung felt sour and filled with a grimace which he tried his best to cover it up with a deadpan. “On top of it all besides being sweet, Taehyung, she’s so gorgeous. You would pick someone like her. She’s so pr—”
“Excuse me, ___.” He cuts you off with irritation oozing out of his pores. Your eyes stayed on his, wondering what set him off on what you said. You weren’t saying anything negative or ridiculing at all. “You know you’re beautiful too.”
His words threw you off, making you snort in disbelief and shook your head. Why did that even matter right now? You kept a joyous expression in contrast to the seriousness Taehyung held. “I know…ish.”
That was also true. You have grown to accept and love yourself for who you were and what you looked like after many adolescent years of struggle. Your features didn’t exceed the high standards of Clara, but you made it a point and lifestyle in your grown life that before your grandmother died, she always mentioned how uniquely captivating you always were, looking different in the best way possible.
Of course, it was shocking to get compliments from others. As well as your conscious had a habit of making you compare yourself to others, whether it was good or bad. Like for this instance—Clara.
But you wanted to breeze on from his statement. “But that’s beside the point—”
“No, I hear that tone, ___. You’re comparing yourself to her.” Taehyung informed as if it was a fact about you, which it was. Yet you didn’t want him to know that.
You sighed, not understanding the big deal of it all. “I’m not talking down on myself! I swear. I’m just saying…” Your eyes shifted down to the ends of your dress. “Clara is pretty and you really won with her.”
“I don’t care about pretty. I love beautiful.”
That caused you to lift your head and meet his eyes, which you didn’t know pierced at you for who knew how long. You didn’t even realize how near he has gotten to you. The fabric of your clothes touched his pants. Your torsos twisted to continue the eye contact.
The look on him…was a familiar feeling and time. It held something you didn’t want to see or think about after those years of struggle because if you did, another wall buried deep down inside your entity would come crashing down.
“Taehyung, you can’t—”
“I can.” He disagreed, leaning closer. “Because I remembered promising you that I’d show you how beautiful you are, how special you really are, ___.”
“This literally has nothing to do with me!” You refuted, trying to deny any claim he had about you. But you stayed frozen as he slowly inched forth. It wasn’t odd because Taehyung was always known to be affectionate, but it sure was concerning you right now. “Can’t I compliment your gorgeous girlfriend?”
“No, because she already gets that from everyone around her. She doesn’t need any more of that.” He grumbled. His eyes quickly glanced down at your face, enough for you to notice. “But it relates to you because of your eyes. They held insecurity and concern, I remember that look. It was the same look when you got your heartbroken back in middle school by that dumbass boy.”
It surprised you at times, how Taehyung was able to catch on and read you like a book even after years of disappearance. From the first couple of months of renewing the friendship, not a time goes by when he remembered little things about you despite your constant protest of being a changed person. Maybe personality-wise shifted into a cruel sarcastic approach, but the habits were consistent.
Albeit to your annoyance to him on that, you couldn’t help but do the same more often than you should.
“___, when I say this, I mean it and I take it to my grave,” Taehyung announced, irises boring at yours with no play. “Stop comparing yourself to others. I know it’s hard, but it’s harder to live with it. It doesn’t help you or the others around you. I never liked when you do that.”
You bit the inside of your cheek, hearing his objection. You didn’t want what you said to end up like this, but there was no doubt that he interpreted it to a t. You didn’t think he’d still care enough about you like that. What else goes on in his head that you didn’t expect?
Out of nowhere, he held your cheek with his palm, snapping you out of your daze. He was now so close to you that with any movement, something would touch. It was like before when you were younger with him and had the status of a best friend with a purposeful and deeper meaning. “You’re still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my life, ___.” Your pupils dilated at his reveal. Cheeks spreading with flushness and warmth you hated to expect. “Wouldn’t want any better. Any person would be lucky to have you.”
Excuse me? He said that way too personally. Why the fuck would he say that to you? It started to frighten you, furrowing your eyebrows and cocking your head to the side. Yet he focused on your reaction with sincerity, nothing in what he spoke upon held no lie and you knew it.
There was a pause in the air, holding your breaths. The familiar warmth to your irises soothed his body down just by the look. It was as if his vision pulled him back in time where he saw you exactly like this, underneath a tree late at night with sparkles gleaming on you. The swift capture of your thirteen-year-old self before your current self settled before him. He wanted this moment to last for as long as he remembered.
And without thinking, he closed the gap between you two as he shuts his eyes and puckered his lips.
Hoping to find softness and sweetness, but there was no avail on the other side. It was the complete opposite. A harsh reddened ache ran through his cheek before he peeled his eyes open to reveal a raging you fueled with perfidy.
You smacked his face again, but this time harder than the last before you pushed yourself away from him, almost a meter away. Your mouth gaped as you stood up from the grass and patted yourself clean to get the fuck away from him.
Eyes widening as large as a goldfish, Taehyung realized what he tried to do. Scrambling to get up and beg for redemption, he tried to speak but you interrupted him. “Here I thought you wanted to be my friend again, but you deceived me and I don’t want nothing of it!” You snarled before grabbing your bad and shouldering it over.
“Wait, ___. I’m sorry! I don’t know what c—”
“Save it! I don’t wanna hear your bullshit!” There you walked away from the scene angry and disappointed with shame all over you. You needed to get away, you couldn’t stay. But you were pulled back by the wrist and twirled around to see a worried and frightened idol searching for mercy on you.
“___, please. I-I’m sorry, I—”
You snatched your wrist back, breathing through your nostrils in hopes it calmed your wrath. “I don’t care if you’re sorry! Fucking think about your girlfriend! Why would you even fucking dare to do that?”
“I-I wasn’t thi—”
All of sudden, you yanked him by his collar. Pulling him close to see the break of trust in your livid pupils, you seethed, “I will not be some home wrecker.” You pushed him roughly, almost making him imbalance but he stabilized his feet. “You lost my trust. I don’t wanna fucking see you anymore.”
You never looked back and continued your path out of the park. You thought he would have followed you again, but when you heard the cries of your name at a distance, you knew he wasn’t going to try. Maybe you were too rash, or maybe you said things you didn’t mean. It didn’t matter anymore.
But you knew that if you ever saw him again, you would think differently of him.
Tagged: @manuosorioh @kaal-ee @thvxstf @dahliasbouqet @bertqut1 @fuckthinking @taebangtanbabe
#taehyung x reader#taehyung fic#taehyung fanfiction#kim taehyung x reader#taehyung smut#taehyung angst#taehyung fluff#kim taehyung fanfic#kim taehyung#bts fanfic#bts fluff#bts smut#bts x reader#matcha masterlist
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Astarion fic recs, Batch 2
Thanks so much to everyone who had kind words for my Astarion fic rec list! My habit continues unabated so I wanted to throw out another little batch of mostly recent, mostly hurt/comfort-oriented Astarion-centric fanfic that I liked. As before there's references to Astarion's past abuse and assault so mind the AO3 tags.
Anyway happy holidays fellow pale elf fans, pls tip me off if you watched the latest Larian animated short and felt moved to write about shivering blanket-wrapped Astarion sitting on Karlach's lap.
Incomplete Multi-Chapter:
The Friends We Meet in the Dark by Copaline
Astarion is captured by monster hunters while spiraling over how to earn Tav's affections. Second in a series, but can be read standalone; one of two chapters posted. Big fan of its protective f!Tav, and there's some fun banter with the rest of the gang.
I Don't Know You Yet by thbreakofdawn
Nicely executed modern Bloodweave social media (text messages and Twitter) AU. Astarion is a sex worker and Gale is a grad student struggling with his relationship to his girlfriend Mystra, and they strike up a text-only friendship after a random connection. Very effective use of the multimedia format.
If the Cross on the Door Doesn't Scare You by Aylwyyn228
Sweet, angsty "Astarion starves in the Shadow-Cursed Lands because he's too scared to ask for blood" fic with the added turn of Gale guessing exactly what's happening, but being too toxic-blooded to actually help unless Astarion tells the others about his vampirism.
a half-blown rose by winter_writes
Astarion's "Tav didn't kill Cazador" dialogue in the Patch 5 Epilogue is one of the saddest things in the game, and I'm so excited to see writers running with it. In this fic Astarion was recaptured by Cazador post-game and then finally freed thanks to a fire... but he's terribly injured in the aftermath and ashamed to have his ex-lover see him. Only one chapter so far but I'm a big fan.
death by rock & roll by falco_c
This hasn't been updated in a while and Astarion hasn't actually appeared in it yet, but I'm throwing it in as a bonus because I really love its Almost Famous-y music industry AU vibe. Its translation of the tadpole ensemble into rock-and-roll burnouts, featuring in-world interviews, is absolutely delightful.
One-Shots:
Untitled by trulycertain (Tumblr-only)
It's spawn Astarion realizing he can turn into a bat and flying around and getting tired with Tav around, that's it, that's the fic. Completely adorable fluff. But "Is this what it’s meant to be like? Being a spawn? Not a starved slave?" kills me.
Family by sword_and_lance
Astarion goes to see his family after being turned, and Cazador cements his control over Astarion by offering him some scraps of comfort in the painful aftermath. It's short and restrained and chilling and so so sad.
Pointy Ears by SpaceBarbarianWeird
Yes another fluffy fic, what am I coming to. But who doesn't want to read about Astarion rediscovering trust by letting Tav touch his sensitive pointy ears with some brief digressions into elven social norms and gift-giving.
Complete Multi-Chapter:
Desperate Measures by Asidian
One of the fics that inspired "If the Cross" above, and one of my favorite "Astarion in the Shadow-Cursed Lands" pieces. Very good at balancing a sympathetic take on the character with him being, like canon Astarion, deceptive and a little bit abrasive when cornered. Plus bonus fun with Scratch.
this is a gift (it comes with a price) by ryttu3k
A post-game Ascended Astarion fic in which AA is literally soulless and knows it, and his sometimes-lover Duke Wyll Ravengard discovers over a series of nighttime visits that he secretly hates it. One of my favorite Ascension fics in part because, intentionally or not, it feels weirdly true to the experience of depressive anhedonia?
The Light of the Seven by Verelia
@reddenmore mentioned this one in the tags on my last fic rec list and I wholeheartedly agree; it's a real good Szarr Spawn Family character study delving into the backstory and personality of each of Cazador's "children," including Astarion.
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Tangled Mess Masterlist
Summary: Hoseok has a gift. He can see the red strings that tie soulmates together. All his life he’s seen them and has seen the ways just about everyone seems to disregard them. Jaded to the prospect of finding his soulmate and confused by the idea of romance and soulmates, he is lost for what to do when he meets his own soulmate in the most inopportune ways.
Yoongi has a skill: emotional repression. He knows what he wants in life but feels unable to do anything to get many of those goals. Isolated and frustrated, he feels like he is trapped in his room, triaging his life.
The two watch from the sidelines, rooted in place and unable to do anything to bring them closer to love and connection.
Pairings: Hoseok x GN Reader, Yoongi x Jungkook
Genre: Soulmate AU, Grad School AU, Young Professional AU, Angst, Fluff
Series Warnings: A breakup
Planned Schedule: Wednesdays
Masterlist last updated: 2/4/2024
A/N: I may get behind on updating links, but all the fics and the masterlist will have the tag "series: tangled mess" if the links aren't updated~
Part 1: The Meeting
Part 2: Game Night 1
Part 3: Tight Elastic
Part 4: Something's Cooking
Part 5: Solitare
Part 6: Game Night 2
Part 7: Coffee and Conversations
Part 8: Sheep Farm
Part 9: Together
Part 10: Our Place
Part 11: To-Go Food
Part 12: Changes
Part 13: Other's Secrets
Part 14:
#bts fanfic#bts soulmate au#bts mxr#bts hoseok#bts jhope#hoseok x reader#jhope x reader#bts supernatural au#bts masterlist#bts fluff#bts angst#yoonkook au#bts jungkook#bts yoongi#bts suga#series: tangled mess
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hey jen! you've gifted us so many stories, but i wanted to know, what it's like being a reader? are you a big commenter, do you break the kudos, or are you more of a someone who just soaks up the page?
just going to lump these two together!
I’ll be honest, I’m not exactly sure what breaking the kudos means? 😅 I leave kudos on the fics I make it to the end of, though I’m sure there are some that I’ve accidentally missed. before I started writing, I didn’t have an ao3 account so a lot of the early works in the fandom I didn’t do as much kudos-ing and commenting on (pro—or maybe con—of being in a fandom from the very start, there’s not a backlog of fic to get to)
I could and should be a better commenter than I am. I applaud anyone who leaves those super long comments picking out specifics lines because mine are usually more general. I read on my phone 99.9% of the time and usually before bed, so it’s not the greatest set up for leaving lengthy comments
also, I think reading fic is a very introverted activity and commenting on fics is a very extroverted activity. sometimes, after a bad day or when I need comfort, reading fic is great because I can escape from my own life and thoughts. but on those days, I might not have the spoons to comment because that’s forcing me to mentally switch from a solo activity to a social one. I try to leave those fics in an open tab to get back to but as things do in life, they can pile up
I reply to all the comments I get on my fics. I just try to stay on top of it so it doesn’t get too overwhelming
I’m also naturally a fast reader. back in the dystopian ya craze of the early 2010s I remember reading the entire divergent series in the week before I saw the first movie awidjjssj that probably translates to writing as well. I’ve always been efficient/good at school/productive so I’m sure that transfers over to being able to write fics fast
caveat that my life is about to change drastically and I can’t say for certain but I’ll probably be writing way less (i thought this before starting grad school too though and I still had a decent amount of time to write so idk!!) either way, I will have significantly less free time so probably less words coming out and definitely less fandom time and I’m already in mourning 😔
anyway! off topic! not sure if that answered your questions but here’s my rambling
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Alright guys. I’m gonna bite the bullet. I’m gonna kill the bear. I’m gonna post the super rough grad gift 6 later today.
Because I feel like writing some more recently and what better way to end my hiatus than this? I don’t know how long I’ll be back for. But I want to come back for a bit. Get your panties ready.
#grad gift series#dark!natasha x reader#gg6#noah talks sometimes#noah talks#hiatus ending#at least for a bit#congrats for reading the tags#here’s a treat for you#dark!wanda x reader#>:)
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dear stranger…
the intro
a/n: this is a multi part imagine series based on Laufey’s songs dear soulmate and beautiful stranger.. hope you all enjoy <3
600+
summary: moving to a new city has been a little isolating, but you’ve managed to pick up a self-soothing journaling routine.. filled with hopes and dreams, and maybe someone in particular…
making the move to a new city after grad school had proved to be one of the most difficult things you’d ever done.
it wasn’t that you didn’t like it here.. you loved the city, but you were now hours away from friends and family, beginning a new chapter of your life virtually alone.
you’d spent the majority of your free time so far exploring the streets, stopping by local spots you hoped would become frequented locations. lots of time at local markets, and coffee shops; always being sure to check out any bookstore you saw.
you had found solace in one location in particular. a little cafe that doubled as a used bookstore.
it reminded you of home the second you entered the store.. smelling of freshly baked cinnamon rolls just like your mom used to make on special occasions. the hustle and bustle had drawn you in as well; the constant grinding of the espresso machine, low chatter from the customers, and always a friendly face behind the counter.
they had everything you wanted.. spinning records in the store, some of the best lattes you’d come across in quite a while, and even selling locally made art and products.
on your first visit in you’d had a long chat with the owner; one of those people who seemed to know everyone.. everyone but you. they wanted to know all about you after learning you had just moved. you laid out your whole life for them, never caring to keep things to yourself hearing you speak about your struggles of feeling alone, they gifted you with a hand bound leather journal made by a friend of their’s.
weeks went by, and you only found you’re growing more attached to your journal.. writing down anything and everything that came to mind. grocery lists, quotes, even your mass amounts of dreams.
which is where you found yourself again today, head buried in your journal, favorite pen in hand, trying to remember the tasks you had wanted to accomplish.
you’d been so engrossed in your writing that you barely noticed the nudge to your shoulder. quickly raising your head, you locked eyes with what you thought had to be one of the most beautiful men you’d ever seen.
he wasn’t too tall, just enough that you had to told your head upwards to get a good look at him. he had slender features, defined cheekbones, and you noticed the slightest shadow of a dimple peeking out as he spoke.
“i’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t mess up your writing.. these damn trains shift so unexpectedly sometimes.”
realizing he had bumped into you on accident, you gave him a quick grin, promising that no harm had been done. you watched him carefully as he gave you one last apologetic smile, backing away to find a seat of his own on the crowded subway car.
you watched him as he sat, withdrawing a book from his small backpack. looking him over, you took note of how his long brown hair fell in waves over his shoulders. watching the singular pendant on his chest rise and fall, under his mostly unbuttoned maroon shirt. the tan chelsea boots he was sporting looked to be well-loved, matching nicely with the tattered chord bracelet around his wrist.
a man who loved and cherished things.. that’s exactly what he appeared to be. for the briefest moment, you envied the people in his life, the ones who knew him best. you wondered if they received the same warm smile he gave you just minutes ago. you quickly decided this train of thought was ridiculous.. he was just a beautiful stranger.
arriving at your station shortly after, you gathered your things and prepared to exit the car, giving one last look over to the man you had been intermittently staring at the whole time. you watched him as he read, waiting for the doors to open, taking in every detail of him you could.
you decided you’d be thinking about him for many days to come.. and who knew, he may even land in the dreams section of your favorite journal.
taglist: @gretnavannfleet
#greta van fluff#jake kiszka fluff#jake gvf#greta van fleet#jake kiszka#gvf blurb#gvf fanfiction#jake kiszka x reader#jake x reader#gvf fluff#dear stranger#beautiful stranger#dear soulmate#laufey
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BTS IMAGINES: PART 5
(CONTAINS SMUT AND MATURE SUBJECT MATTER)
(Bold title means favorite)
(UPDATED: OCTOBER 21st, 2022)
Jungkook
Sore Loser | One Shot | jjk (m) ( streamer!Jungkook x valorantpro!reader) @haliiimede
left on read (enemies to friends to lovers?? hospital au, crack, grumpy/overachiever oc, social butterfly/annoying jungkook!!!) @muniimyg
𝐆𝐫𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐆𝐨𝐝 (Personal trainer!Jungkook x Baker!Reader) @moonlightkoo
the lucky one (pt. 1) | jjk (: You and Jungkook have been forced to be friends since birth. Keyword: forced) @babystrcandy
the nanny diaries ~ jjk (: jungkook x single mom!reader) @btsgotjams27
The Wedding Date (fake!dating au, some angst, fluff, and smut [18+]) @jjungkookislife
under the blankets (m) | jjk (Tattooed boyfriend!Jungkook x Tattooed!reader) @yoonia
Across a Crowded Room (Strangers-to-lovers, idolverse, smut) @monimonimoon
Intruder: Big day (dilf!Jungkook, CEO!Jungkook, arranged marriage, smut, fluff, angst) @btsamgyeopsall
ALL I WANT - JJK | bestfriends2lovers!au, fuckboy!jk, textbooknerd!reader, dom!jk, sub!reader @sxtaep
Save me + J. Jungkook (Slytherin!Jungkook x Ravenclaw!Reader) @jiminspjm
happy birthday loser; jjk x reader; 18+v(explicit smut, mutual thirsting, oral sex (f receiving), fingering, squirting, loud filthy (unprotected) sex. wrap before u tap) @jungk0oksthighs
a gift of love | jjk (dad!jungkook x f. reader) @mercurygguk
What if I love you too much? (fluff; angst; smut; single mum reader) @taleasnewastime
Please Don’t Go | JJK (spider-Man! Jungkook x Childhood Best Friend! Reader) @httpjungkookcom
All Mine - JJK (M) (smut, angst, ceo!jungkook) @katebacks
when it all falls apart | jjk (angst || mention of divorce, alludes to infertility & pregnancy) @7deadlysinsfics
JJK || Take Care of You (idol!Jungkook x housekeeper!y/n) @kookiecrumb
Because, I Love You Masterlist (Jungkook x Older!Reader) @readyplayerhobi
Public Enemy (Part 1) (Smut, Angst, Mafia!Jungkook) @explicit-tae
𝐣𝐣𝐤 | 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩 𝐠𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐩𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐜. (idol!jungkook, author!reader, secret relationship, fanboy jungkook, female reader, established relationship) @auroraborealyss
Fallen Arrangement || pt.4 (prince!jungkook x princess!reader, village boy!jimin x princess!reader) @parkdatjimin
Perfectionist (ungkook x Dancer! OC) @miraclesatnightfall
RED | JJK (3/3) (FLUFF, smut, angst:(( pregnancy au) @taestefully-in-luv
Taehyung
Seven Seas (Atlantis Taehyung x Reader) @readyplayerhobi
sea star (m) (pirate king!taehyung x reader) @koyamuses
With a Brush of Fate | KTH | Series Masterlist (Fluff, angst, smut, idol au, strangers to lovers.) @yoongiofmine
Ride With Me ( idol taehyung, coworkers to lovers, not explicitly smutty or fluffy but elements of both
Pairing: V x Fem Reader (A lucky communications grad student catches Kim Taehyungs eye during preparations for their concert. Or: A self indulgent naughty story inspired by my own delusions thanks to his bare-backed IG attacks.) @amethystwritesbts
Caught in the crossfire (Masterlist) (ssassin au; strangers to lovers; 18+ rating.) @taleasnewastime
Office politics (fluff; angst; smut; enemies to lovers) @taleasnewastime
the point of no return | kth (m) (starting out musician!AU. humor, smut, fluff. the trifecta.) @illneverrecover
ONE MISTAKE — 01 | KTH (: idol!taehyung x choreographer!reader) @vamours
❝ king of the clouds ❞ kth ― m. (royal!au, arranged marriage!au | smut, light fluff | 4.7k) @httpjeon
Get You The Moon (M) (Fluff, smut, angst / College!AU, enemies to lovers!AU, football!AU, jock!Taehyung x student reporter!OC) @bymoonchild
— 1-800-music-street | taehyung (taehyung/reader | fluff, smut | homeless!taehyung) @httpjeon
Pick of the Patch | KTH (Taehyung x female reader Genre: fluff, angst, smut, enemies to lovers) @taestefully-in-luv)
Comeback Home (1) II KTH - m (: exs-to-lovers!au, teenparents!au, college!tae, businesswoman!oc, smut, so much angst, a really cute kid, slowwwwwww burn) @another-army-spot
Seokjin
One Shot: Both Sides (KSJ) (Friends to lovers, Fluff, crack, mentions of pining, mentions of pet dying, they’re so cute you guys :((() @stellalunatmblr
cinnamon bliss ● chapters list (Single Father!Jin, Cafe Owner!reader, Unrequited Love!au, Angst, Future Smut) @yoonia
all because of you | ksj (Seokjin x female reader genre: fantasy, f2l, HP!au; fluff, smut) @taegularities
The Light of Dead Stars (01) | KSJ (Seokjin x (f.) Reader; side Seokjin x (f.) OC; side Reader x Namjoon) @ahundredtimesover
a dozen tulips. (ksj) (florist + model seokjin x wife!reader) @writtenwhalien
#bts#jungkook#jeon jungkook#bts fanfiction#taehyung#bts fanfic#bts kim taehyung#taehyung x reader#jungkook fic#bts one shot#bts fanfction#bts jin#bangtan#seokjin#bts smut#dad!jungkook#dad!taehyung
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Surviving Sokovia - Chapter Nine
Pairing: Pietro Maximoff x Reader
Work Summary:
You were a Sokovian orphan living on the streets of Novi Grad, until Strucker offered you a choice.
Now you are a part of his human experimentation programme, trying to survive an entirely different world of horrors. The kind boy with the beautiful eyes is the only thing that keeps you going.
This story contains dark themes. Please read the notes on chapter one for more details. Dialogue in {these brackets} is in Sokovian.
Chapter Summary: For a while, things are easier, but then you get some news.
Series Masterlist
Word Count: 2491
Read on AO3.
Masterlists.
Taglist: @mcximffs @xlucyintheskywithdiamondsx @lanemarvels @marrigold-2002 @kathrinchek @mrs-kai-anderson @ang3l1te @missryerye @ifilwtmfc @officiallykuute @noz4a2
Taglist info.
Previous Chapter
Notes:
warnings for forced breeding, forced pregnancy, mentions of abortion (particularly mentions of unsafe herbal abortions), references to reader killing the doctor and soldiers
please do not consume any of the herbs mentioned in this chapter, they might kill you
---
The first time Pietro came inside you, it was an accident. Your ankles had been digging into his lower back, pushing him deeper into you, and as you dragged your fingernails down his back, his thrusts began to stutter. He pulled out, but even as the rest of his cum splattered over your stomach, you knew it was too late.
“{I’m sorry},” he whispered, kissing your cheek, and you shook your head.
“{Don’t be. It’s what they’re expecting of us. If we don’t comply, things will get worse}.” He swallowed hard, but nodded.
The next morning, you awoke to a veritable feast waiting for you in the hatch. Cooked meats and eggs and fruit and yogurt and bread and jams in a variety of flavours. Sitting on one of the trays of food, there was a card; it was some mass-produced, store-bought thing with crude cartoonish art. In large, colourful letters, it read:
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Pietro was tense beside you. It was hard to enjoy the food knowing that it was your reward for finally giving in. You tried not to think about it, in fact. You tried not to think about a lot of things.
When Pietro made love to you, it was easy to forget the why of it all. He was your boyfriend and you loved each other. That was all that mattered. Every time he came inside you, there would be a gift waiting for you in the hatch soon afterwards – food, cosmetics, clothes, books – but you could fool yourself that that was a coincidence.
For a little while, things were easy. Normal. It was only the glaring absence of Wanda in your lives that felt wrong.
One evening, you returned to your room to find Pietro waiting for you, clutching a small box made of shiny cardboard. On it was printed an image of a handsome man with platinum blond hair.
“{What’s this?}” you asked, and he looked at you sheepishly.
“{Bleach. For my hair. I was hoping you would help me with it, actually…}”
You drew your eyebrows together. “{Did Strucker order you to do this?}” It would be a strange request, but in the grand scheme of things, relatively tame.
“{No}.” His cheeks were pink. “{I asked for the bleach. I thought it might… look cool. Don’t worry about it}.”
You felt yourself softening at the expression on his face. “{I like your hair},” you said.
“{You don’t think I’d look hot as a blond?}”
“{I think you’d look hot whatever your hair colour. But I will help you if you want to be blond}.”
He grinned at you then, and you felt yourself falling that little bit harder. Unbidden, your mind went back to the moment that he told you he wanted to marry you. Had he meant it? Or was it just the heat of the moment?
As he sat down on a chair in front of you with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, you let your thoughts wander back there. You thought about a life far away from here, where Pietro was your husband, and there was a baby on your hip that you’d made of your own choosing. Round cheeks and bouncing brown curls, Pietro’s bright blue eyes set in the shape of your face. You grimaced. This was not your life.
“{Are you alright, sweet girl?}” Pietro asked, snapping you out of your thoughts.
“{Yes… Just reading the instructions…}”
Bleaching hair was, as you discovered, a very involved process. You’d never had the time or resources for any kind of beauty regimen, but even this seemed excessive. You positioned the two of you in front of a mirror so that Pietro could watch as you bleached his hair.
You started by dividing the hair up using various clips. Pietro leaned into the gentle tugging motions of your hands. You watched his eyes fall closed. If there was one thing you knew about him, it was that he loved it when you played with his hair.
Once the bleach was in his hair, you had to wait for it to take effect. “{It stings},” he complained, but you just shrugged.
“{I don’t think I can fix it without washing it out, and that will ruin the colour}.”
He huffed, but gritted his teeth and bore it. It was almost funny how dramatic he was being, considering everything you’d both gone through. It was just another way that you could forget about your life, and convince yourself you were just a normal couple.
When the time came for him to wash the bleach out, he made you come into the shower with him ‘to check that it was done right’. Unconvinced by the obvious ruse, you followed him anyway, and massaged the shampoo and conditioner into his scalp for him.
By the time it was all washed out, you could see that his hair was blond, but it was hard to judge the colour while it was still wet. In no rush to check out the results, Pietro pressed you up against the wall of the shower and got you off with his fingers ‘as a thank you for your help’.
You dawdled as you dried yourself off, almost nervous about what he might say. You didn’t look at him as he admired himself in the mirror.
“{What do you think?}” you asked. “{Do you like the colour? I think I missed a few patches}.”
It had turned out a silver blond, with some areas of mottled brown. Pietro met your eyes in the mirror, grinning at you.
“{I love it},” he said. “{I think it looks cool}.”
You wrapped your arms around him from behind, inhaling the smell of bleach. “{Me too}.”
*
You had thought you would have advance warning. Maybe your body would give you some kind of sign. When the news came, it came as a shock.
“Congratulations,” said the doctor, looking up from his paperwork to smile at you. “You’re pregnant.”
The bottom dropped out of your stomach. You opened your mouth, but the doctor carried on speaking.
“Baron von Strucker has already been informed,” he said. You felt ice cold. Strucker knew before you did. “And we will be reducing your training to ensure the baby’s safety.”
You stared at him. This doctor was younger than the previous one, and surprisingly friendly and upbeat, considering what had happened to his predecessor. None of the doctors or soldiers had attempted to touch you since you’d killed the last one, but you had no doubt that they’d be willing to if push came to shove.
“Can I go back to my room?” Your voice shook. You hated how weak you sounded.
“Of course. Your training has been cancelled for the rest of the day, so you can do with it as you please.”
Your legs were shaky as you got to your feet. Two soldiers flanked you as you left the room, leaving a respectful distance between you and them. You didn’t speak until you reached the door to your bedroom.
“Is Pietro getting the rest of the day off too?” you asked, trying to keep the fear out of your voice.
“That’s your decision,” said one of the soldiers. “Strucker thought you might want some time to yourself, but we can bring Pietro to you if you want to see him.”
“I want to see him,” you said, and the soldier nodded, unlocking the door to your quarters. This was the politest you’d been treated by them in a long time. Probably because you were carrying a future Hydra supersoldier.
As soon as you were alone, you felt tears springing to your eyes. You staggered over to the sofa and sat down on it heavily, burying your face in your hands. Sobs wracked you, your whole body trembling.
What were you going to do?
Of course, you weren’t surprised by this turn of events. It was going to happen eventually. Still, you weren’t prepared. Your heart ached. You couldn’t bring a child into this world and watch it suffer the way you had. You wouldn’t. You would rather die.
Your mind raced, thinking of all the plants from your books. Pennyroyal. Mugwort. Blue cohosh. They might kill you. But wouldn’t that be better?
“{Sweet girl?}” Pietro’s voice was soft, timid. You wiped your eyes and looked up to see him standing in the doorway. He was by your side in an instant. “{What’s wrong, my love?}”
“{They didn’t tell you?}”
“{Tell me what?}” You could see the concern in his eyes as they darted down to your stomach. He knew. Even if they hadn’t told him, he knew.
“{I’m pregnant}.”
Pietro’s expression stayed the same, not betraying any emotion. “{Are you alright?}” he asked, and that pushed you over the edge. A fresh flood of tears poured down your cheeks and then you felt his arms around you, holding you against his firm chest.
“{I’m scared},” you whimpered.
“{Me too}.” He stroked your back.
Gently, he pulled you into his lap, and you burrowed into him, resting your face against his neck. He stroked your back, tenderly trying to massage the pain and fear away. The two of you stayed that way until you ran out of tears to cry.
“{Are you alright?}” he asked you again, and this time, you just shrugged. One of his hands found purchase under your knees, and the other wrapped around your shoulders. He stood, lifting you into his arms as he did so.
“{Piet, what-}”
“{We’re going to shower}.” It wasn’t a question or an offer. Pietro carried you into the bathroom and set you down on the closed toilet lid.
You watched him fiddling with the shower dials until the water was just right, and then he stripped his clothes off. Your eyes flickered over his body, feeling hazy. It was only when his hands made to unbutton your shirt that you realised you were supposed to be joining him.
“{Come on, sweet girl}.” You let him pull your shirt off. You stepped out of your shorts and underwear, and he led you by the hand into the shower.
Once you were under the water, he pulled you into a tight embrace, his lips right beside your ear.
“{Don’t react},” he murmured, so low that you almost couldn’t hear him over the rushing water. “{They have microphones everywhere, but I hope they can’t hear us in here}.”
You rested your head on his shoulder as he picked up a bottle of shampoo and poured some out onto your head. As he massaged it into your scalp, he spoke so softly that you had to strain to make out the words.
“{I am going to get you out of here. Us out of here. If you want…}” He took a deep breath. “{If you want to get rid of the baby, I will get you out of here as soon as I can and we will find a doctor}.”
“{I don’t want to get rid of the baby}.” The words came as just as much a surprise to you as they did to him, but once they were out, you knew they were true. Again, you pictured the world where you and Pietro could live peacefully, and the cute, chubby baby with dark brown curls on your hip. “{I want to have a baby with you}.”
Pietro’s grip on you tightened, and he nodded. “{That gives us more time. I promise you that you will not give birth here, my love. I won’t let anything happen to our baby}.”
You squeezed him and he squeezed you back. “{What about Wanda?}”
He grimaced. “{I will try to get her out. But she will survive without me. I need you safe, more than anything}.”
“{What about Stark?}”
Pietro stopped massaging your scalp. “{What about Stark?}” He sounded genuinely confused.
“{Don’t you want to get your revenge?}”
“{You think I care about that? You think that’s more important to me than you? Than our baby?}”
You were crying again. Pietro tilted your head so that he could wash the shampoo out of your hair. You didn’t speak again until he started applying conditioner.
“{How? How will we do it?}”
“{Leave it to me, my love},” he murmured. “{It’s dangerous to talk about. Who knows what they’ll do if they know what we’re planning?}”
You nodded. His hands in your hair felt nice. You leant against him, letting him wash you. He was gentle as he scrubbed your neck with liquid soap. His strong, comforting hands made their way down your back first, washing you from neck to calf, paying special attention to your ass which made you giggle, in spite of yourself.
He turned you around, and you let him wash your breasts. As he travelled further down, your eyes fell closed. You felt him stop at your stomach, resting his hands against you. He resumed his ministrations after a moment, and every touch was reverent, an act of worship. You watched him fondly as he moved down to your thighs, shins and finally feet. He knelt before you, pressing kisses to your tummy in between each motion.
You took advantage of the position to wash his hair for him. His eyes fell closed, resting his face against your stomach as you washed the shampoo and then conditioner out of his hair.
“{Love you},” you murmured.
“{Love you}.” Reluctantly, he got to his feet.
His hands fell to your waist, and something ignited deep within you. You clawed at him, desperate to feel more. He met your eyes, searching your expression. Evidently what he found there was to his satisfaction, because he hitched your leg over his hip and pressed his cock against your folds.
“{Need you},” you whined, and he indulged you. As his cock slid all the way inside you, you let out a low moan.
He lifted your other leg up too, pinning you to the wall. You clung to him, exchanging sloppy kisses and pulling his hair. One of your hands pressed between you, sliding over your stomach to find your clit. When you came, you felt him all around you, holding you up and filling you and taking up every bit of space you had within you. There was no room for pain anymore, only him.
“{Fuck, you feel so good},” he muttered. “{I’m close}.”
“{Cum inside me},” you said, leaning in to nibble on his ear.
He swore loudly as he started to cum, shooting his load into you. For the first time, feeling his cum fill you up wasn’t accompanied by a pang of anxiety. After all, you couldn’t get double pregnant. Instead of fear, you felt warmth.
He lowered you back down, pressing another kiss to your lips.
“{Are you okay?}” he asked, and you nodded.
“{I’m okay}.”
It was the best either of you could hope for for now.
Next Chapter
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Have you studied any of the languages of the Canadian First Nations?
Yes, I've studied Siglitun and Uummarmiutun, which are from the same dialect continuum. The reason I studied these two languages in particular is because there were a series of grammars and dictionaries produced on these two languages plus one other written by Ronald Lowe. They were funded by C.O.P.E. (the Committee for Original Peoples Entitlement). I've got a link to one of them right here on Amazon, and if you can pick up even one of the six in this series, I highly, highly recommend it. The grammar is a bit dense, and it's written in a way that won't be super familiar to linguistics students (it's a little antiquated, published in 1984, and from Canada), but it's presented very thoroughly, and very well, with lots of example sentences—and, really, with these languages the examples are utterly vital. These are agglutinative and highly synthetic languages, but like all languages, there's more to the meaning than adding up the meanings of the parts.
I ran across two of these books at the UCSD library when I was a grad. student, and I checked them out continuously for something like six years (lol—as a grad. student, you can check a book out for a year, unless someone asks for it back). They made quite an impression on me. I was very fortunate to find a couple of them on Amazon, and have received some others as gifts (a couple from my brother-in-law Will, and a couple from @quothalinguist). If you read The Art of Language Invention, you will have seen an example from Siglitun that I produced using the information in the corresponding book in the series, and @quothalinguist and I made good use of the books when we produced our polysynthetic mouse language Wokuthízhű in season 3 of LangTime Studio.
I'm a big fan of these languages, but of the three, my favorite is Siglitun, due to the phonology.
Thanks for the ask!
#language#siglit#siglitun#uummarmiut#uummarmiutun#inuit#inuvialuit#conlang#wokuthízhű#langtime#langtime studio#lts#theseviolentdelights22
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Wonderful World - Part 6^
Hello everyone, here's the next part! This one starts off a little lighter and ends the same, but all of the middle content is quite heavy and might be a bit of a hard read! There's a lot going on, please be very mindful of the warnings because if you have experienced any of the things mentioned in this chapter you might feel triggered.
Series Masterlist
Warnings: family fights, mentions of blood and periods & vomit, public humiliation, intense cyberbullying, mentions of suicide, detailed descriptions of panic attacks, grief and loss, car accident aftermath as a result of drunk driving, physical abuse.
WC: 11.1k
It was now 7:30am on a Sunday and Harry hadn’t slept a wink. There was this awful knot of mixed feelings in his stomach that he didn’t know how to get rid of. He was so happy he had kissed Diana, but that was also clouded over with the very evident regret they each felt for letting things get that far. His heart felt fine after Rebecca, it wasn’t broken or anything, but he couldn’t help but feel like he had been wasting his time. Rebecca probably felt that way too - so now all he wanted to do was make up for lost time and he had been impulsive and latched himself to the first pretty woman that caught his eye, that’s probably what happened. As Harry laid there staring at his ceiling thinking these thoughts he felt like shit, obviously that’s not what happened with Diana but it was the only way he could really rationalize his behavior.
“Fucking hell…” he groaned as he heard some knocks on his door. He got out of bed and threw on some sweats, taking his time. Then his phone started ringing and he looked and saw it was Henry.
“‘Lo?” He grumbled lowly, voice still low and raspy from lack of use.
“Hey man, I’m outside. Surprise!” Henry said and Harry couldn’t help but smile. Henry was the most thoughtful person he ever knew. He grew up with a mother, grandmother, and two younger sisters, he was a nurturer and he had a sixth sense for when someone he loved wasn't feeling their best.
“Alright, give me a minute. Need a wee.” Harry said and Henry chuckled.
“Yeah man, take your time. I’ll be…here.” He said and they hung up.
Harry washed up a bit to not look as dead as he felt and also threw on a shirt before hurrying to let Henry in. He greeted him with a bright smile and a paper bag from Blau’s - one of their frequented cafes during their grad school years. They had the absolute best bagels & lox.
“You have a toaster, right?” Henry asked as he walked over to the kitchen.
“Yeah, of course!” Harry chuckled as he followed behind him, “She’s just on hiatus.” He chuckled as he stooped down to one of his cabinets and pulled out the pink toaster and Henry chuckled as he proceeded to plug it in. “I’d bought it as a wedding gift for someone but one of the bride’s bailed so it’s mine now.” Harry explained as he started to bring out the things to make coffee. Harry put on some music to make the mood a bit more lively as they prepped breakfast and then Henry turned to him as the first notes of the The Dance version of “Dreams” started to play.
“Oh yeah!” Henry exclaimed as he swayed and shimmied his shoulders to the music, “-in the stillness of remembering what you had and what you lost. Ooh I said what you had, you know what you lost! C’mon H, take it away!” Henry encouraged and Harry chuckled as he start to sing along to the chorus with Henry.
“They say women they will come and they will go.” Harry smiled, “When the rain washes you clean you’ll know.”
“You will know.” Henry sang passionately before they both chuckled.
A few minutes later they both sat at the table with toasted bagels, cream cheese, onions, capers, and lox and of course, a steaming hot cup of coffee. Harry’s sour mood was mostly gone now, but Henry could see that he looked exhausted.
“So, how’ve you been doing?” Henry asked and Harry smiled.
“I’m alright. I swear.” He assured and Henry chuckled.
“Oh ummm, Grace told me about how you know Diana.” He said and Harry nodded, “Sorry man, I had no idea.”
“It’s alright, I didn’t either until the escape room. I figured we’d eventually cross paths again, just not as often as we have been I guess.” He explained and Henry nodded. “If I…tell you something will you promise not to report me to BBS?” He asked with a nervous smile and Henry chuckled.
“Not my field, not my business.” Henry shrugged and then his eyes widened. “Unless you harmed someone. Or killed someone. Or-”
“Bro, I didn’t harm anyone. Or at least I don’t think… I did?” Harry was even questioning that now.
“OK, then shoot.” Henry said as he put down his bagel and Harry exhaled before just saying it.
“I kissed Diana.”Harry confessed and Henry looked surprised.
“Oh…when?”
“Last night!” Harry said and Henry rolled his eyes.
“I get that, but like when? Her boyfriend was there-”
“He’s not her boyfriend. And it was when she went to the bathroom and I followed her.” He sighed. Harry was clearly frustrated at this and Henry bit his lip.
“I ummm…fucked a patient one time.” He said lowly and Harry glanced up at him and then burst into laughter.
“What?!” He said in shock and Henry shrugged.
“She was hot and well, we’re humans. We have feelings and needs and you don’t always pick the person, you know? Sometimes the moment is just right.” Henry said and Harry bit his lip and interlaced his fingers before resting his hands at the back of his head.
“This was more than a momentary lapse of judgement.” He explained, “Since the moment she brought her daughter in it was like… like a part of me woke up. I’ve never been so curious about a person before.”
“She is very beautiful.” Henry said and Harry nodded.
“Yeah.” He hummed, “There’s just always this really intense tension between us. Like just to be near to each other and when I kissed her it’s like…” he trailed off, “A few days before she’d gotten in a huge fight with her daughter and I wanted to help her feel better, so we got stoned at her place and she feels it too.” He explained, “We were saying that maybe if we just got to know each other it would help water down the illusion or whatever but it didn’t. It just made me like her more and now I’m fucked.”
“Have you considered that this is just a crush to distract you from-”
“I did and that’s not this. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about her as like a band-aid for now. Like I plan to keep my distance and then I hear her voice, or smell her fucking perfume, or see her and it’s like I’ve lost all fucking objectivity!” Harry said with frustration and Henry sighed, “She even stopped waiting in the office for her daughter and that makes her daughter think that Diana doesn’t care about her, but it’s an issue with me and her. But that’s already impacted the girl and we’ve barely even…spent time together.” Harry explained.
“Well, maybe it’s time to refer the girl.” Henry said and Harry sighed.
“I couldn’t do that to her. She just started opening up to me and she’s going through a lot at school.”
“Yeah, Grace told me.” Henry said with a slight frown, “Then just suck it up and don’t interact with Diana, H.”
“Yeah, we already agreed to do that last night. I texted her to apologize and that’s why she told Grace about the therapy thing.” He sighed, “She already told me that if I would be anywhere she wouldn’t go.”
“OK then, problem solved!” Henry said and Harry shook his head.
“No because she thinks it’s her fault. She said something about her leading me to compromise my professional integrity or some shit like that and I hate that. Like if anyone should’ve known better it was me. From the beginning!” Harry groaned and as Henry watched the frustration basically emanate from him in waves.
“H, you’re human. You’re attracted to her, she’s attracted to you. It’s literally nature. Not even just nature, biology. That’s literally how your body is made to respond to attraction and it’s unnatural to fight it. But hey, you both recognize that this can’t happen, for the good of her daughter, your client. Don’t beat yourself up for it. You slipped up and now you’re both on the same page to not let that happen again while you treat the girl. That’s it. It’s over. It’s OK.” Henry said with a calm tone and smile on his face but Harry sighed.
“And that’s where the problem lies. I don’t want it to be.”
“Well if that’s what you want then you know what you need to do. It can’t be both.” Henry said and Harry felt his eyes welling up and he blinked a few times but nodded.
“Yeah, I know…” Harry sighed.
*********
Diana went for a walk around her neighborhood in the morning just to clear her head as she thought about the best way to tell Gabe that they should just stay friends. To anyone looking from the outside in they would tell her to just say it like that, but she was not great at confrontation. It was hard for her to tell people things they didn’t necessarily want to hear, even as a mother, she struggled sometimes to say no to Celeste.
After her walk she got showered, ate some breakfast, and changed before she headed to pick up Celeste from Geri’s house. She truly hoped that whatever Celeste had been resentful about before was done and gone. She kept thinking back to what Harry said about her sharing with Celeste how being ignored made her feel, but she was hesitant. She didn’t want to make Celeste feel guilty for how she felt; like she had been when she was younger. Obviously, there are better, more correct ways to express frustration, but Celeste is 14! She’s still learning. As she thought about this she could almost hear Harry’s voice as he told her that she should use this as a teaching moment between her and Celeste and as much as she wanted his gorgeous self and his voice out of her head, it was the best thing to do.
********
Celeste was dreading being picked up from Geri’s house. She was still upset at her mom. Yes, it had been days of her icing her out, but her feelings were hurt. It felt like she was just waiting for her OK to go and get a boyfriend and now she was seeing some guy and Celeste was happy for her at first, but as the realization set in that this would just pull them apart, it was upsetting. When her phone buzzed with a text from her mom she sighed and started to pack up her things.
“See you tomorrow, OK?” Geri said and Celeste hugged her and then walked off to the car.
“Hi sweetie, how’d it go?” Her mom greeted her cheerfully.
“It was fine.” Celeste mumbled, “Got my period and I don’t have anything at home.”
“OK, we can drop by Target.” Diana assured.
“Cool.” Celeste said and then turned to the window and waved one last time to Geri before they took off in silence. It remained that way through their trip to Target. When they got back in the car Diana decided to try sparking up some conversation again.
“Did you guys finish your history presentation?”Diana asked with a smile.
“Yeah.” Celeste sighed.
“That’s good. It’s midterms this week so I don’t have anything to grade for my classes. Do you want to go do something? Maybe the mall? We can get lunch after?” She offered and Celeste just sighed.
“No, we stayed up late so I’m tired.”
“Oh, OK. That’s…that’s fine.” Diana said and Celeste just turned to the window again and Diana nodded, taking the hint that she still didn’t want to talk to her. She was doing her best to swallow down the lump in her throat, but this really sucked.
Celeste’s heart lurched in her chest when she heard her mom let out a quiet, but shaky exhale. She did feel bad, but she was upset and she didn’t want to get in a fight like the last time, so she’d rather just shut up until she had the right word. When they got home they both went their separate ways. Celeste was spending her time just catching up on some show a classmate had recommended to her and just doing nothing, she was very distracted though thinking about her mom and what she could say to her. She didn’t want to make her feel sad, but she wasn’t sure what she could say right now. Maybe she could talk to her tomorrow after meeting with Dr. Styles.
*********
Diana had beelined to the balcony and nestled herself into the little bench she had out there, it was her comfort spot. But even that was now something that had Harry all over it. Figuratively, but also literally, as she grabbed one of the pillows to hug she saw his ID for the university beneath it and sighed, it also had the faint scent of his cologne. Well now she had to return this to him somehow he would need it so that he wouldn’t get charged for parking on the campus, she couldn’t very well give it to Celeste to return to him the next day…or maybe she could weave a little story together about finding it on campus or something…but she didn’t want to lie to Celeste. She sighed loudly and slid the ID card into her hoodie pocket before she leaned back and just let all the tears she had been holding back from the night before come out.
The truth was that Diana suddenly felt very alone. She couldn’t, well wouldn’t, talk to her parents about parenthood. She had no other friends who were parents just yet. And the one person she had been talking to didn’t even have kids, but he was a therapist to her own kid. She felt like no one could really help her and in a sense it was true. Yes, there are overarching themes in having a kid and being a parent, but every person is different and even the advice you’re given is subjective! She was all alone and she wished that she had Wesley here to help. He was so patient and great at communicating, especially when he was frustrated. He would be so great at this. She sunk lower against the pillows and just laid there for a little and let it all out. Sometimes a good cry was a great way to clear one’s head.
*********
After binging two hours worth of a show Celeste was hungry for lunch and she decided that she wanted to sort of extend an olive branch to her mom in preparation for talking to her properly after therapy the following day. So she got out of bed and headed over to her mom’s bedroom. She knocked a few times and there was no response, she tried once more and again silence, so she opened the door a bit and peeked in and she saw that the curtains to her balcony were billowing in the breeze, so she must’ve been out there. So she stepped in and headed out towards the balcony and saw her mom curled up with a pillow to her chest. She frowned when she saw the dried up tears staining her cheeks. So she reached out towards her arm and gave her a light nudge. Diana immediately opened her eyes and Celeste noticed that they were swollen and a bit red.
“Is everything OK, sweetheart?” Diana asked, her voice was a bit raspy.
“Yeah. Ummm, I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch from that kebab place we like?” Celeste asked.
“I’m not really up for it right now, mamita.” She sniffled and Celeste felt a knot form in her throat at the rejection. “But you can order in if you want.” She assured. Diana was in an awful head space and had no idea that this was the olive branch, otherwise she would’ve jumped at the opportunity.
“Yeah, OK. I’ll do that.” Celeste said and then left right away with tears brimming in her eyes. She felt awful for making her mom cry. She went to her room and just ordered for the food to be delivered and she did not come out of there until the next morning when it was time to go to school.
Celeste was quiet on the entire car ride to school and well, her mom had given up on trying to strike up a conversation with her by now. So she left the car silently and headed towards the entrance already dreading her day. She was cramping and Megan was back from her suspension. She was in absolutely no mood to deal with anyone’s misdirected anger. She just wanted to go home and sleep.
Everything was going rather well for the first half of the day even if Geri wasn’t there today - her dinner the night before had apparently made her sick. It sucked because they had every class together. Megan had just glared at her throughout the day when they would coincide classes, but she hadn’t approached her. Ozzy was around and kept an eye out for her, even walked her to and from classes just in case. And now she was in her second to last class of the day, French. She liked it, it wasn’t too challenging for her yet and Mr. Corbin was very kind and helpful. He made things fun, so she always enjoyed his class - like now. He was having them do mad-libs but in French and they had all been laughing so much and with one loud laugh she instantly froze as she felt a particularly strong cramp hit her. She winced a bit, but carried on paying attention in class, she could go get on a new pad and some medicine from the nurse after class.
There were 10 minutes left of class and Mr. Corbin was walking up and down the aisles waiting for the students to finish their assignments and his eyes darted near the front of the aisle he was in as Celeste started to stand, presumably to place the assignment on his desk. But as soon as she did it was hard to miss the giant, red stain on her light jeans. The second Celeste moved she realized what was going on and then she felt Mr. Corbin’s hand on her shoulder.
“Celeste, just sit.” He said quietly and she glanced up to his eyes with concern.
“But I-”
“I know.” He said softly with a knowing look in his eyes and she was mortified, she wanted to cry, “I’m gonna text Ms. Alvarez, OK. Just stay here.” He assured and she nodded with tear-filled eyes. Mr. Corbin grabbed her assignment and hurried to his desk to text the nurse. Celeste stayed put and since Geri wasn’t there today the seat behind her was vacant, thankfully, so she wasn’t all up in someone’s face like that. She nervously glanced around to see if anyone else had caught sight of what happened and as she looked over her shoulder she caught sight of Megan who was furiously typing on her phone under her desk and then their eyes met and she sputtered on a laugh. Celeste felt the tears starting to pool at her waterline, this could not be any worse. It seemed like ages before the bell rang and as everyone else filtered out Ms. Alvarez came in with a sympathetic look in her eyes and that is what made Celeste finally start to cry and Mr. Corbin hurried out of the classroom to give them a little space.
“Oh! Don’t cry, honey!” Ms. Alvarez, the nurse cooed kindly, “It happens to all of us at some point.” She assured and Celeste sniffled.
“Ummm, I think someone took a picture.” She hiccuped, “That’s why I’m crying.” She explained and Ms. Alvarez frowned.
“Do you know who?” She asked and still nervous from Megan’s friends threats she shook her head.
“I just saw some of the kids sitting in the back laughing and on their phones.” She said and Ms. Alvarez sighed.
“Little assholes.” She said quietly and Celeste’s eyes went wide, “Pardon, that’s just mean. But they were probably just making fun. Don’t worry.” She said and Celeste nodded as she sniffled again, “Alright, let’s have you stand. I brought a hoodie for you to wrap around your waist from the lost and found.” She said handing it over and Celeste grabbed it and stood up carefully and then glanced back and saw that she had even leaked onto the plastic chair a bit by now.
“Oh my god.” She groaned in total embarrassment.
“Hey, it’s fine. It’ll come right off.” Ms. Alvarez assured and Celeste nodded through her crying. “I’ve contacted your next teacher to have you excused from class. I know the locker room showers aren’t ideal, but I have a pass that you can take to Miss Phillips so that you can get cleaned up. Do you have pads or tampons and extra clothes in your gym locker?”
“Ummm yeah, both.” Celeste said and Ms. Alvarez nodded.
“OK, good.”
“Can I at least help you clean this?”
“It’s alright. We have to do certain steps to disinfect if it’s a bodily fluid. I’m gonna be here for a little bit.” She said and Celeste groaned and Ms. Alvarez chuckled, “Don’t worry, it’s not an issue, it’s just the protocol we need to follow. Blood’s a biohazard.”
“Right.” She sighed, “Thank you, Ms. Alvarez.” Celeste said and the woman smiled.
“Of course, honey. S’why I’m here. Stop by later if you need anything else, OK?” She said kindly and Celeste nodded before she slowly made it out of the classroom and towards the locker room. She gave her note to the gym teacher, Miss Philips, who kindly found a plastic bag for Celeste’s pants and then she hurried to get washed up. She decided to wait the rest of the time in the nurse’s room and meanwhile searched through social media and found nothing. Which was definitely a huge relief, maybe she was just being paranoid. Maybe the suspension had actually set Megan straight and she would no longer be giving her any problems. She was still a jerk so she was probably texting her friends about what had happened because she certainly saw. But there was technically no crime in having private conversations, even if the topic was humiliating someone else. When it was time to go Celeste thanked Ms. Alvarez once more and hurried to the pick-up spot where her mom usually was waiting for her.
“Hey sweetheart, how was your day? What’s that?” She then asked as she saw Celeste drop the plastic bag on the floor of the passenger side and she sighed.
“I had an accident. A bad one.” She mumbled.
“Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. I’m glad you had extra clothes with you.”
“Just my gym stuff.”
“But still. If that ever happens again you let me know, I’d be more than happy to come down and bring you whatever you need.”
“I know.” Celeste responded and Diana offered a smile, it was small, but at least hopeful.
“Are you still up for therapy? I can call Dr. Styles to cancel.” She said and Celeste shook her head.
“It’s fine, I’d really like to talk to him.”
“Oh, OK. Are you hungry?”
“Yeah.��
“OK, you tell me where and we can pick something up before your appointment.” Diana said and Celeste nodded as they took off. Her appointment was at 4pm, so they had a bit of time before Celeste had to see Harry. “Dr. Horner said that you should be able to get back to the jazz combo next week. If you want to try having your guitar lesson on Friday to see how everything feels I can get in touch with Justin?” She offered.
“Yeah, that’d be good.” Celeste said lowly.
“Sounds good.” Diana smiled. When they pulled up to Harry’s office building she put the car in park snd Celeste glanced over at her somewhat expectantly.
“Are you coming in with me?” Celeste asked and Diana rolled her lips together.
“D-do you want me to?” She asked.
“If you want to.” Celeste responded.
“Yeah, OK. Let’s go up.” Diana said and Celeste smiled a bit. Diana felt that sitting all alone in his waiting room would be the best opportunity to return his ID card without having to have a conversation with him. As always, they were a bit early and were just sitting around waiting until they heard the other door close and soon Harry was stepping out into the waiting room and smiling as he greeted Celeste.
“Hi! Ready to get to work?” He asked her and she nodded as she stood from her seat, “Excellent. C’mon back.” He said with a smile and didn’t even spare Diana a glance, which made her heart lurch in her chest. Was he mad at her? It shouldn’t have made her upset, but it did. Finally he acknowledged her before he slipped into his office. “Diana, nice to see you.” He said politely and she looked at him with some confusion for a moment.
“Ni-” she was cut off as he turned around and closed the door before she could even get her pleasantry out. She sighed in defeat and that overwhelming feeling of loneliness slowly started to possess every bit of her heart and mind. She bit her bottom lip hard to stop herself from crying. She then exhaled harshly and dug through the pocket in her bag to grab his ID card and stood and set it down on the reception desk in the waiting room and then she sat back down and decided that he wasn’t worth her tears.
*********
Harry’s heart was pounding out of his chest as he shut the door on Diana. The look in her eyes made him feel so guilty, but this is how things should have always been. He started to second guess it and it was making him anxious. Too anxious to treat someone, he just needed a minute to ground himself.
“I’m gonna use the bathroom really quick, just get comfortable OK?” He said to Celeste and she nodded as she plopped down in her usual spot and Harry rushed into the adjoining bathroom in there and started to just work on some breathing exercising to relax.
Meanwhile Harry used the bathroom Celeste pulled out her phone and was a bit confused as she saw that she had about 50 Instagram notifications. Her stomach flipped and twisted with anxiety. She opened up the application and saw that a bunch of people were tagging her in comments about her being disgusting and sad and pathetic, that she needed to die. Her eyes started welling up and against her better judgement she went to the original post. It was an anonymous account but the only post on the grid was a multi-picture post with her face on the first frame. It was altered to have her eyes scribbled over and two horns drawn on her head. She swiped to the next picture and it was a short clip of the moment she started to rise from her seat in French.
“Oh my god.” She whispered as she started to cry. As she saw this, the owner of the account posted a story and she clicked on it and immediately started to sob, it was a poll that said “Should Celeste Beltran kill herself? Definitely or Yes!” and the sickest part is that people had started to vote on it. She was angry and sad and hurt and she immediately felt her hands growing shaky and clammy.
The next story was asking how she should do it and it was then that she realized this was happening in real time. People were answering because the story kept getting longer. As she clicked through, reading the horrific things people were saying, her breathing started to get really shallow and she felt like her chest was being compressed. She dropped her phone on the spot beside her and put her hands over her chest as she started to hyperventilate. Her throat and chest burned from the lack of air in her lungs and she started to feel nauseous. Just then Harry stepped out of the bathroom and his smile dropped as soon as he saw Celeste in the middle of what looked like a panic attack. Her smaller body was trembling as she cried and gasped for whatever oxygen she could get. He rushed over and sat on the coffee table before her.
“Celeste.” He said as calmly as possible and her terrified eyes met his own, “Celeste, calm down. Look at me. Look right at me.” He encouraged but the lack of air to her brain was not allowing her to focus or understand anything at the moment. She felt like she was going to die, it hurt and burned so much. “Shit.” Harry sighed as he grabbed one of her hands from over her chest and squeezed it gently, “Hey, breathe with me. I’m right here, Celeste. I’m right here.” He said softly and she choked on a sob.
“I-I can’t.” She wheezed weakly as she continued hyperventilating.
“I know it’s hard, Celeste. But it’s going to pass.” He assured her and she gasped shallowly, he could see her face starting to go red. He needed to ground her soon or she would pass out from not getting enough oxygen. He looked around and remembered that she had said something about the candle he had burning the first time she had come in. Harry let go of her hand and rushed over to bring it over, “Remember this? You said it smelled like one your mum has.” He said and her eyes were darting around the room, “Try and smell it.” He said extending it to her and she took it with shaky hands and tried her best, “I know there’s a lot of noise happening in your head, but what does this remind you of? Are there any memories that are trying to surface? Focus on those, let them come forward.” He encouraged her calmly and she put down the candle and closed her eyes, trying to do as he said but she continued to sob uncontrollably, “C-celeste,” he stammered starting to get nervous at her lack of response. Suddenly her eyes blinked open, all swollen and bloodshot and focused right on his.
“P-please.” She gasped, “Help me.” She wheezed and he frowned. Everything started getting blurry for her and her ears started ringing. She could see that Dr. Styles was saying things to her, but she could hardly hear him over the ringing in her ears.
“I’m trying but you need to match my breathing. You need to slow down a little bit.” He tried to coach her through and then he saw her eyes starting to blink slowly. Her field of vision was starting to grow dark and she could see him start to panic. He needed to get Diana, now.
“Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” Harry muttered as he hurried to her side and just pulled her into his chest to prevent her form falling if she passed out, “D-diana!” He shouted at the top of his voice in a panic, “Fuck!” He sighed as he felt Celeste’s body lean further into his, “I’ve got you, petal.” He rushed out an encouragement to Celeste, “Diana!” He shouted again and the door burst open and she rushed into the room.
“Oh my god!” She exclaimed in concern when she saw Celeste in Harry’s arms. She rushed over immediately and sat at the coffee table before them with tearful eyes, not really sure what was going on.
“She’s having a panic attack.” Harry informed, “We need to snap her out of it, she’s literally about to pass out.” He explained and Diana nodded. She had no idea what to do with her this far gone. The one time she had a panic attack her mother gave her a slap across the face to get her to breathe again. Diana’s tears started to fall at the memory, she would never do that to her daughter. She shook away the memory and reached for Celeste’s hand and squeezed it hard.
“Sweetheart, I’m here. I’m right here.” Diana cried softly, “Please look at me.” She said as she gently stroked the side of her face that wasn’t buried in Harry’s chest. Her terrified eyes glanced to hers, “Good. That’s good, mamita.” She encouraged her and then placed Celeste’s hand over her chest, “Let’s breathe together. We’re all gonna take a breath together, OK?” She said and then glanced up to Harry who nodded, “Ready? One, two, and breathe.” Diana coached her and Celeste took a shallow and shaky breath.
“That’s good, petal.” Harry mumbled softly against her head, “Let’s go again.” He said and Diana counted down again, and they did this a few more times until Celeste was able to slow her breathing enough that she was coming out of the panic attack. Her body was still trembling, and she was still crying inconsolably, but she was out of danger. Harry started to loosen his hold on her but she clung tighter to him, “We’re not going anywhere, petal.” He soothed her, “Just gonna grab you some water, OK? I’m still here. Your mum’s still here.” He said softly and she slowly started to release him. When Harry got up Diana took his seat and Celeste immediately curled into her chest as she sobbed.
“I’m sorry.” She hiccuped, “I’m so sorry.” She said a few times.
“For what, mamita? You’ve done nothing wrong.” Diana assured her quietly. Harry then sat at the edge of the coffee table like he had been initially with a water bottle in his hands. Diana glanced up at him briefly before she broke eye contact.
“F-for making y-you sad.” She whimpered, “I-i’ve been s-so mean t’you.” She sobbed and Diana tutted.
“I forgive you, mamita.” She hummed as she rocked her body a bit, “I do get sad when you ignore me and shut me out like that, especially when I don’t know what I’ve done wrong, but we all need space sometimes. We just need to learn how to talk to each other better, specially when we’re upset at each other. We’ll do better next time.” She assured softly and Celeste choked a bit on her tears as she nodded, “Alright. Have some water.” Diana encouraged and Harry opened up the bottle before handing it to Celeste who had a few sips before she just exhaled loudly, much calmer than before, “Ya esta.” She whispered against Celeste’s head and then kissed her as she sniffled. They gave her a few minutes before Harry spoke up again.
“Do you want to talk about what happened?” He asked, still sitting at the edge of the coffee table and she sighed shakily.
“I uh- I need t-to show you both something.” Celeste whispered.
**********
Both Harry and Diana were horrified as they saw what that account had posted about Celeste. As Diana read through the suggestions people were giving on how her own daughter should take her life she couldn’t help but feel her stomach churn.
“Excuse me.” She whispered as she hurried into the bathroom in the corner of the room. She swung the door back with whatever strength she had left in her body before she just fell to her knees harshly and started to vomit. She couldn’t help it. Everything in her body hurt. Celeste was an extension of her heart and soul outside of her body, everything that hurt her child, hurt her as well. Her body was trembling as she sobbed and another wave of nausea hit her and she threw up again. Once the spell passed she reached for the toilet paper with trembling hands and ripped off a bit to wipe at her mouth before she flushed everything away. She knew it was gross, but she didn’t care right now as she leaned on the seat and sobbed as quietly as she could. She needed to get it together for Celeste, but no one had ever prepared her for something like this. This hurt as much as when she got the call about Wesley and as the memories came back she started to cry so hard her head was throbbing.
August, 2005
Diana woke up to the sound of her cell phone ringing loudly under her pillow. She groaned as she looked at the digital clock on the bedside table and it read 2am - she’d only been asleep about an hour. She reached under her pillow and flipped open her phone when she saw it was Sione. Wes and his friends probably ended up getting hammered and needed her to go pick them up from the party they had been at.
“Hello?”
“Diana!” The voice on the other side of the line was panicked.
“Hey.”
“It’s Sione!” He was panting.
“What’re you doing with-”
“There was an accident.” He cut her off and Diana immediately sat up. “It’s not good, Di. He’s not responding.” Sione swallowed thickly, she could hear the stress in his voice.
“Where are you?”
“They’re trying t-to get him out but…oh fuck…fuck!” Sione wept.
“Sione, what’s happening?!” Diana shouted in desperation, “Where are you?” She pleaded as he jumped out of bed, “Answer me! Please!” She shouted as the hot tears streamed down her face.
“Why are you stopping!?” She heard a voice that sounded like Micah’s shouting in the background.
“Please, help him!” Sione’s voice came through, though not directly on the speaker and for a few moments there was silence. She felt her heart racing and her stomach turning in anticipation. Her skin was covered in goosebumps as she listened for anything, “Wes is dead.” Sione whimpered into the phone and Diana suddenly couldn’t breathe. The phone fell from her hands and she stumbled across her room to get to her purse, she needed to go find him. She was barely breathing as she burst out of her bedroom in her pajamas, not seeing where she was going so she crashed into a table and knocked over a few things. She was sobbing so hard as she flicked on the lights and then her parents’ bedroom door flew open and her mom and dad were in the hallway looking angry and confused.
“Are you drunk?!” Her father asked angrily and she was frozen.
“Diana, contestale a tu papa!” Her mother, Regina, berated her, insisting that she respond to her father, but how could she when she couldn’t even breathe. She fell to her knees as she hyperventilated, “Que te pasa?!” Her mother came over to her in concern.
“N-no puedo respirar.” She whispered as she sobbed.
“Diana!” She shouted again as she looked to her father, “Mirame!” Her mother shouted, but her eyes were darting everywhere but her mom’s, there was no comfort there for her.
In her frustration, from her lack of response Regina’s hand came up and delivered a harsh smack to Diana’s face. The shock of the pain stinging and radiating through her face made her gasp in enough air and instead of responding to the plethora of questions bombarding her she just let out the most painful wail. She had never made a sound like that. It was at least 15 minutes before she was able to tell her parents what happened and her dad drove her to the location Sione finally disclosed.
When they arrived she ran out of the car and all she could hear was Gloria screaming in pain, so she ran up to the tape only to see Gloria reached for the coroners as they wheeled a black bag to their van. Darrell was trying to hold her back despite his own crying. Diana started sobbing when she saw the state of Wesley’s car and her hands came up to her mouth as she started to sob again. When she looked around she saw Sione and Micah sobbing on the sidewalk and she rushed over and theY immediately stood and hugged her.
“What happened?” She asked through her tears.
“The guy in the truck was fucked up and ran a red.” Micah sobbed, “We were just a minute behind him!” Micah explained monotonously as he shook his head, in complete shock.
“W-when we ran over to check on him, we could barely tell…” Sione said softly with a blank stare and Diana started crying harder, “The firefighter said that he died with the impact so he didn’t suffer.” He swallowed thickly.
Maybe knowing that made Sione feel better, but it didn’t make Diana feel better. It made her think about how unprepared he was to go. He didn’t know that he would never see his family or friends again, he was just taken in the blink of an eye. She was just lost in her thoughts when the police car’s lights came on and she saw the man from the other car sitting in the back seat, basically unscathed, the only visible injury to him was a bandage over his nose. Suddenly her entire soul just darkened with hatred. She had never wished ill on anyone, but she did that man. She hated him and she probably would for the rest of her life.
**** Flashback Over ****
“Hey,” Harry’s voice and hand on her shoulder caused her to turn her head towards him, “Are you alright?” He asked gently. And as she looked into his eyes, so beautiful, light, and full of concern and empathy for her, she recalled why she had chosen to be alone all these years; it was fear. She never wanted to feel the pain that she had felt that day. She never wanted to give her heart to anyone again just to lose them. And as his gestures of comfort started to warm her heart she abruptly reared back, putting distance between them.
“Please don’t touch me.” She whispered and Harry’s own eyes were filled with hurt at her sudden rejection. He could see that this was so much more than what had just happened and it made him feel concerned for her; he just wanted to make sure she was OK.
“I’m sorry.” He apologized immediately, “Can I get you anything?” He asked and she shook her head.
“I just need a minute. I’m fine.” She assured.
“Diana, you can tell me.” He said quietly.
“Harry, I’m fine.”
“Diana.” He just said and she grew irritated at his insistence.
“I’m not your charity case to fix! Please, just give me a moment!” She spat in irritation and he frowned. She wanted to apologize to him but she couldn’t, he needed to stay away. Far, far away from her.
“Fine.” He said flatly before standing up and leaving the bathroom.
After a few more minutes she stood up and rinsed her mouth and wiped under her eyes before she headed back out. Celeste and Harry were talking about what happened and they both stopped when she stepped back out.
“I’m sorry, that was just really upsetting. We need to take pictures of that before they take that down.” She said and Harry turned to Celeste and nodded.
“She’s right.” He said to Celeste. Diana took photos of everything that had been posted. When she looked at the time it was barely 4:30, the school administration office was still open.
“Sweetheart, I need to show Principal Whittaker. This is…so messed up. This is about your life now and I know you’re not happy about having told before but this has gone way too far.” Diana said to Celeste and she sniffled and nodded.
“I know, mom.” She responded lowly and Diana nodded.
“Dr. Styles is gonna talk to you about this and I’m gonna be right out there for a few minutes, I need to call the school office before they close.” Diana said and they both nodded Diana headed out to the reception area and dialed immediately, as soon as the line stops ringing she perked up.
“Ethan?” She asked before he even got a word in.
“Uh, yes, this is he.” The young man spoke.
“Hi, this is Diana Beltran, Celeste’s mom.” She said.
“Hi Ms. Beltran, how can I help you.”
“Something else happened to my daughter, something worse and I need to see Mrs. Whittaker first thing tomorrow, is that possible?”
“I’m so sorry, let me check he schedule.” He said and she heard him typing away.
“OK, yeah she’s free at 8:30.”
“Perfect. And we might need that girl, Megan and her parents to be there too.”
“May I asked what happened so that I can leave a note?” He asked.
“I’m emailing her what we found as we speak, I’m CC’ing you as well.” She said.
“OK, I’ll keep an eye out. I’ll let her know as well.”
“Thank you, Ethan. I appreciate it.”
“Of course, Ms. Beltran. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
“See you tomorrow.” She said and hung up. She finished attaching all of the evidence to her email and proceeded to take a few more deep breaths before knocking on Harry’s office door before stepping inside after he called for her to come in. “I’m seeing her first thing tomorrow.” Diana said as she stepped in, “Would you like to go with me?” She asked Celeste as she walked further in.
“I’d rather not even go to school.” Celeste sighed and Diana nodded.
“Yeah, you’re not stepping foot anywhere near that school until somebody answers for this.” She stated firmly. Harry was going to suggest that Celeste take the day, but it seemed that Diana already knew what to do. Celeste’s comfort and safety was the most important thing right now, and being anywhere those horrific kids was not in her best interest. After what had just happened Harry needed to assess for suicide, maybe she hadn’t even been thinking that before, but when a group of people on the internet is saying that you’re better off dead the thought just might cross your mind.
“Celeste, I need to ask you some difficult questions. Is it OK, to do that with your mom here?” Harry asked and Celeste glanced up at Diana.
“Don’t worry about me. You do whatever you prefer, sweetheart. I know Dr. Styles will take good care of you.” Diana assured and Harry glanced to her. Her vote of confidence after everything that had unfolded today was much needed. But despite him trying to gain her attention her eyes didn’t leave from Celeste’s figure on the couch for a second. As she thought about it for a moment, Celeste glanced between Diana and the floor a few times.
“Ummm, I think alone.” She responded and Diana nodded.
“OK, I’ll be right outside.” She assured and Celeste nodded and Diana stepped out quietly and closed the door behind her. She didn’t take offense or feel shut out, she knew that some things were just hard to talk about in front of your parents. She had a good idea of the direction in which Harry’s questions were going and she knew that she would not be able to maintain her composure.
********
Celeste let out a long exhale when her mom walked out and she pulled one of the pillows on the couch into her arms and hugged it tight.
“This would be nicer if you had that kitty from last time.” She mumbled and Harry smiled softly at her.
“You know, I was thinking the same thing. I think I’ll go pick her up of she hasn’t been adopted yet.” He said and Celeste nodded with a small smile, “How are you feeling about all of this?”
“I don’t know…a lot of ways.” she said honestly, “Confused, mad, sad…” she threw out a few words, “Am I that awful that people want me to die?” She asked as a few more tears fell from her eyes. It was a miracle that she even had more tears left. And well, Harry’s own eyes started to well up as he saw this 14 year old girl sitting before him and dealing with something that not even a grown adult was equipped to handle.
“What do you think?” Harry asked and she rolled her lips together for a moment.
“I don’t think I am…I haven’t done anything to anyone.” She said and Harry sighed.
“But you’re still being targeted like this, does that…make you feel like maybe they have a point?” He asked as gently as possible and she shook her head.
“I don’t think I should die for nothing. But I also think that…” she swallowed thickly, “i-if this is how things are going to be for me I would rather die.” She confessed in a small voice.
“And how would dying fix this situation?” He asked and she sniffled.
“Well for one, all of this would stop.” She sputtered on her tears and he nodded in understanding, “I wouldn’t have to be scared of what’s gonna happen every day. But also…maybe if I actually did die the people who did this would feel guilty.”
“How would they know?”
“I would make sure they knew it was their fault.” She said with a deep frown on her face.
“I see your point, but inversely, if you killed yourself - that’s what we’re talking about here, right?” he asked and she nodded nervously, “How is that justice for you? Where’s the satisfaction in that for you?” He challenged her and she frowned. “What if you do it and they don’t care? Or they spend their whole lives regretting it? You’d never know that, would you?” He asked.
“I guess not.” She accepted sadly, “But I’m also tired of fighting all of this.” She explained.
“Then don’t fight it.” He said simply.
“And pretend like none of this has ever happened? I’ve tried ignoring them already.” She frowned and Harry shook his head.
“No, don’t ignore them. Show them that you’re untouchable. Go in there and be who you are. Show them just how strong, brave, and beautiful you are. Inside and out. Show them what your mum sees, what I see, what your friends see.” He said with a small smile and she huffed out a laugh.
“Would that really work?” She asked and he smiled.
“Honestly, I don’t know. But it will help you.” He said and she sighed. “ I don’t care about everyone else and what they do, we’re here to help you. And if we let others dictate and define our us, our worth, or our feelings it only gives them more power over us, Celeste. Now, that doesn’t mean you should shut off your emotions, it just means choose who gets to see your vulnerable side. Show people like that girl, Megan, that she can’t make you feel anything she wants when she wants. You get to decide how what she does makes you feel. And you get to decide when and who you share those feelings with.”
“So don’t give her the satisfaction, basically?” She asked and he smiled.
“Yes. Exactly that. Why spend so much time trying to figure out what’s going on in someone else’s head when we’ve got so much going on in our own?” He asked and she hummed and nodded and then she sighed as she slumped back against the couch.
“Why does it have to be so freaking hard?” She pouted, feeling a tad discouraged still and he shrugged.
“I don’t know.” He said honestly, “But this is one thing I do know, awful things happen, but that doesn’t mean that good things aren’t happening.” He said, “We live in a wonderful world. A world where terribly beautiful and terribly chaotic things can happen. And when you’re on the crappy, chaotic end of things,” he said and she giggled, which made him chuckle, “You just need to find support in people or things that keep your eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel.” He encouraged and she smiled, “So, let me give you a little homework assignment.” He said and she sighed, “I know, as if you don’t already have enough, but you have as whole week to think about this.” He said, “Next time we meet I want you to have come up with 5 people, places or things that keep you focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Now you might already be thinking of those things, which is great, but when we meet next I want you to tell me why you chose them.”
“OK.” She said and he smiled.
“Good. And I don’t want you coming in here and saying “my mum because she loves me”, alright? None of that surface level BS, yeah?” He teased and she laughed lightly.
“Alright.”
“Promise?” He asked and she nodded.
“Promise.” She agreed with a smile.
“Good.” Harry finished, “Before you go, is there anything else that we should talk about?” He asked and she nibbled on her lip.
“Ummm…how can I tell my mom what we talked about last time?” She asked nervously.
“You trust her, don’t you?��� He asked and she nodded, “Then just tell her how you feel. There’s nothing wrong about feeling things, it’s how we use those feelings that can get us into trouble.” He said and suddenly it felt like he was talking to himself, “And like she said earlier, if you just need a little bit of time or space to figure out how you’re feeling or why you’re feeling some way, you can say that too.” He assured. “You can say you’re upset and then say you’re not sure why. It happens to all of us sometimes.” He explained.
“Really? Even you?” She asked and he smiled.
“Yeah. Between you and me, I can be a bit of a grouch sometimes for no reason at all.” He said lowly and she giggled, “But specially when I’m hungry. Don’t tell anyone though, please.” He tagged in at the end and she was smiling now as she shook her head.
“I won’t. Your secret’s safe with me.” She assured.
**********
It was a little bit past 5pm when Harry’s office door opened and Diana stood from her seat. Celeste made her way out looking a lot more at ease than before, which was a relief. She walked over to Diana while Harry also came out of his office.
“Did you pay him?” Diana asked and Celeste’s eyes went wide as se reached into her backpack’s side pocket and grabbed the money and turned back to Harry.
“Sorry, I always forget.” She said bashfully and Harry chuckled.
“It’s alright.” He assured and she smiled, “I’ll see you next week, OK? Don’t forget your homework.” He said and she smiled.
“I won’t.” She assured and hurried over to Diana’s side.
“Diana, a word before you go?” He said and she turned to Celeste.
“Sweetheart, can you wait outside, I’ll be right there.” She said to Celeste who just nodded.
“Bye, Dr. Styles.”
“Bye. And Celeste, I’m really proud of you for not giving up. You can do this.” He smiled with encouragement and she nodded and smiled as she headed out. Once the door swung shut Harry’s smile dropped, “I just wanted to tell you that if you feel that the school doesn’t do enough about this Rebecca is a fantastic lawyer, I can give you her card.” He said and Diana nodded.
“Yeah, sure.” She nodded and Harry rounded the desk in the reception area and pulled open a drawer and grabbed a business card from in there before handing it over.
“That’s it. She works like, all the time, and she really liked you. So I’m sure she’d be happy to help with anything.” He said and Diana nodded.
“OK, cool. Thanks.” She said cooly.
“And last thing, I ummm…I don’t know what happened in the bathroom, but if you ever need to talk-”
“You dropped your campus ID when you went to my place. I left it on the desk for you.” Diana cut him off and he frowned.
“Di, please-”
“I’m fine, Harry. Just leave it.” She cut him off again and started to turned to leave and Harry grabbed her hand, which made her frown.
“You’re not fine.” He said quietly, shaking his head, his eyes pleading with her to just be straight with him.
“How can you say that? You don’t even know me.” She stated, trying to maintain her old facade.
“I know you enough.” He said and she glanced up to the ceiling and sighed before looking back into his eyes.
“Look.” She said seriously, “More than anyone, you know how badly we’ve fucked up already. I get that you’re trying to be nice, but that’s how we got here in the first place.” She explained, “I don’t want anything to do with you apart from your business with Celeste.” She said sternly and he shook his head.
“Why are you so fucking stubborn?” He asked with a frown and she scoffed.
“Me? Why are you so stubborn?! I’m telling you to leave me alone, Harry. So leave me the fuck alone.” She said again and he shook his head as he bit down on the inside of his cheek to distract him from the pain in his chest, “Are we done here?” She asked more calmly.
“Yeah, we’re done.” He sighed.
“And Harry?”
“What?” He asked.
“Thank you for taking such good care of Celeste today. I wouldn’t have been able to help her alone.” Diana said and he shook his head.
“No, thank you. I called you in because I needed help.” He said, “You did all the heavy lifting.” He said with a half-smile on his face and she just nodded once.
“Bye.”
“Bye.” He said softly as he watched her walk out. Harry took a deep breath and exhaled before walking over to the front door and locking it up. What a fucking crazy afternoon…
*********
It was around 6pm when Principal Whittaker called Diana’s cellphone because she had just arrived at home and reviewed what Diana had sent over earlier in the afternoon. She was completely horrified and said that she had managed to get a hold of Megan’s mother and that they would both be in the office at 8:30am the following day. She informed Diana that she had not informed her what exactly this meeting was about, but that it was related to her suspension and that an apology towards Celeste needed to be discussed. She explained that she did that in fear that Megan would delete all evidence beforehand if she was indeed the one responsible for the anonymous account. Diana was grateful for that, but even she knew that kids these days were sly, so while Celeste had a shower she contacted Rebecca and asked what could be done about something like this.
Thankfully, Rebecca was extremely helpful. It was illegal to threaten someone’s safety online in the state of California. She gave her some more advice on how she could get the page taken down and even told her that if any other page popped up, she had a friend who was in the FBI now and she could have their analysts track down the person’s IP address through some back channels. Which Diana had no idea ho or what that even meant, but it was good to hear that. After her conversation with Rebecca, Diana also got showered and ready for bed. And as she towel-tried her hair, she heard Celeste call for her.
“Mom?”
“Come in, sweetheart,” Diana responded and she saw Celeste peek into the bathroom before she wandered inside.
“Can I sleep with you tonight?” She asked a bit bashfully and Diana smiled.
“Of course you can.” She assured as she set her towel down on the counter.
“OK.” Celeste smiled.
“I’m gonna do a mask, want to do one with me?”
“Yeah. Let me go grab by headband.” Celeste smiled before hurrying off.
A few minutes later they were propped up against Diana’s headboard and singing along to the opened credits of Grease. After the timer went off to get their masks off they each did their own skincare routine before they found themselves curled up in Diana’s bed while the movie played on. Per her request, Diana lightly scratched at Celeste’s back. She would do this to her all the time as a little kid to get her to get to sleep, she was probably 9 or 10 years old the very last time she had done this to Celeste, it was comforting for her as well. Diana was humming along to the “Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee” when Celeste spoke up.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“I ummm…I want to tell you why I was mad at you.” She said quietly and Diana reached under the pillow and turned the volume down a bit.
“OK.” She said and Celeste sighed and then rolled over to face her.
“Sometimes I feel like you don’t…care about me as much as you used to.” Celeste explained and Diana frowned. That’s the last thing any parent wants to hear from their child.
“What makes you think that?” She asked instead of getting defensive right away.
“Well…after you got your new job you’ve been really busy. I know you told me you would be busier, but I didn’t think it would be like this. And then you put me in guitar and I felt like you just did it to keep me busy and out of your way.” She explained, “We used to do more things together. More things like this.” She expressed, “And so last week when you told me that you had a date with someone I started thinking that if you got a boyfriend you wouldn’t have any time for me at all. And it made me sad and angry that you were maybe replacing me.” She confessed and Diana pouted.
“Oh, my sweet girl.” Diana sniffled as she gently ran her fingers over Celeste’s cheek, “No one could ever replace you. And I could never love anyone the way I love you. Not anyone in the entire world!” She said and Celeste smiled lightly, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that I was making you feel that way.” Diana apologized, “I just felt so bad for being more busy that I wanted to let you get involved in something that I knew you enjoyed, you know? That’s why I surprised you with he guitar lessons, I promise it wasn’t to keep you busy.” She assured, “However, you are right about us not spending as much time together. It’s my first year as a full-time faculty member and I’m still learning how to balance the work and everything else, and I’m not going to lie, it’s been hard. But I’m getting the hang of it! Trust me, I’ve missed spending more time with you.” She said.
“Me too.” Celeste whispered. “And what about the guy you’re dating?”
“I don’t think I’m going to date him anymore. Or anyone for that matter.” She said and Celeste frowned.
“Because of me?” She asked.
“No mamita, just… personal reasons, I guess. I don’t know.” she explained and Celeste nodded.
“OK.”
“OK? That’s it? No interrogation?” Diana smiled and Celeste giggled and shook her head.
“Dr. Styles says that it’s OK to not know things sometimes and that “I don’t know” is valid or something like that.” Celeste said and Diana chuckled.
“Yeah, he’s not wrong about that.” She agreed, “So you like him a lot, huh? Dr. Styles?”
“Yeah, he makes me feel better.” Celeste said and Diana smiled.
“That’s good. I’m glad.”
“Do you like him?” Celeste asked and Diana nodded.
“Yes, he’s very nice. I really like how well he gets a long with you and looks out for you.” Diana said.
“Do you think if I invite him to the spring jazz concert he would come?” Celeste asked and Diana sighed.
“I don’t know, sweetheart. Relationships with your therapist can be a bit tricky.” She said.
“Why?” Celeste asked and Diana hummed pensively.
“Well, because being a therapist is just weird.” She said with a smile and Celeste giggled, “Because people tell you everything about themselves, kind of like a friend, you know?” Celeste nodded, “But you’re paying them for that, so they’re not actually your friend even if it might feel like it.” She said and Celeste frowned, “Now, that doesn’t mean therapists don’t care for their patients, they really do! Like Harry- or Dr. Styles, he cares about you, a lot! I saw first hand today.” She explained to Celeste, “But the point of therapy is for them to be able help you figure out how to untangle the web in your mind, I guess? Does that make sense?” She asked and Celeste nodded.
“Dr. Styles did say something like that before. That we’re a team and that he’s just giving me tools to help me solve my own problems.”
“Exactly. So sometimes when they get a little too close or friendly with clients it can impair their judgement. Which isn’t good, they need to be objective.” She said.
“What’s objective?”
“Objective means…mmm, it’s similar to neutral. So they’re not supposed to have any personal feelings influencing how they help you.”
“How is that even possible?” She asked and Diana chuckled.
“I suppose with a lot of training, hard work, and experience.” She said with a shrug. “So all in all, I think it would be nice if you invited him. But I just don’t want you to feel disappointed if he declines.”
“Well if he says no maybe you can record one of the songs my ensemble plays and I can show it to him?” She suggested and Diana grinned.
“Yeah, we can definitely do that. I think he would like that.” She assured and Celeste smiled.
“OK.” Celeste hummed happily. They fell silent for a bit and then Celeste spoke up again, “Mom, when you do decide to date someone again I think you should go for someone like Dr. Styles. You know? Nice and smart, but who is also nice to me.”
“I would never date anyone who is not nice to you. And if I am ever with anyone and they are anything but amazing with you, please tell me, OK? You’re the most important thing to me in the whole world and if I ever am with anyone they would need to respect that and you.” She said and Celeste nodded, “Promise?”
“Promise.” Celeste hummed.
“I love you, cariño. With my whole, entire heart.” Diana said with a smile.
“I love you too, mom.” Celeste hummed softly.
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