man i love playing minecraft

prompt ✧ their icks

characters ✧ scaramouche, kazuha, venti, kaeya, childe, itto

warnings ✧ gn!reader, this is a joke post, stinky!kazuha, alphamale!kaeya, toxic!childe

a/n ✧ kaeya’s is strictly a joke guys i promise, i know he’d never do that 😭

SCARAMOUCHE

✧ he doesn’t clean up after himself. if his arrogance and huge ego weren’t already a huge ick, this is. he’s lucky to have you (and other lackeys) to clean up after him otherwise his spaces would be a complete disgusting mess. he claims he’s “beneath cleaning.”

“how about you clean it if you’re so worried about it?”

KAZUHA

✧ forgets to wash his clothes + shower. he’s constantly on a boat with dozens of other people, so it’ll just slip his mind. he’ll only remember once he goes to move his hair from his face and realizes how greasy it is. he always smells like salt and sweat even after bathing though.

“huh? i don’t smell anything?”

VENTI

✧ when he’s drunk he’ll talk in a baby voice. absolutely insufferable, i’m aching just typing this. he’ll say shit like “pwease! just won more dwink!” and tug on you like a child. it’s disgusting, you end up leaving him in the tavern right then and there. you’ll talk to him when he’s sane again, and make him apologize.

“nooo don’t go home yet, pwease! i’m sowwy…”

KAEYA

✧ he talks like an alpha male. he has the mindset of “women belong in the kitchen and men are meant to work.” its worse in bed. he’ll actually growl. it’s weird and makes you visibly recoil.

“you’re meant to stay home and clean, now be a good kitten... daddy will be home from work later.”

CHILDE

✧ acts like a “nice guy.” is super creepy actually, and kind of toxic. he’ll compare you to other girls, especially about stuff your self conscious about. oh but ‘don’t worry, he was only kidding! god, you take stuff so seriously!’ (stfu)

“woah, relax babe! i was only joking.”

ITTO

✧ refers to himself in 3rd person. this is actually canon because i’ve heard him do it. he’ll say stuff like, “itto wants a kiss! give itto kiss!” …. absolutely not. my stomach lurched while i wrote that.

“cmere baby, itto wants to cuddle!”

one liberating thing imo is being humanly gross around ur loved ones. i spent my teens in an environment where i couldn’t like, feel comfortable in my pajamas or in my greasy hair or being a little stinky or being hairy. God forbid i was hairy around people!

it hella freaks me out to be so vulnerable, but it really is rewarding being able to let down these expectations around people that actually care about you. truly liberatory to smell like weed and ciggys w my friends and be hairy as fuck or even be around them in my undies. liberating to be a greaseball and laugh at markiplier vids as a 24 yr old and to be comfortable in my fatness and know that no matter what I’m loved.

ANGEL BABY UR GONNA BE OKAY!!!! but I totally understand I get nervous before appts too :/ but everything’s gonna be alright!!!

UGHHHHH LUXE PLEASEEEEEE U GET ME!!! he’s….hes so fine and so tough i just wanna *car crash noises* i just started watching it recently and haven’t read the manga yet but good lord that’s a whole daddy right there if he doesn’t get me pregnant I’m gonna get HIM pregnant s2g!! 🗣️🗣️🗣️

now I got some questions for u young lady I’m curious!! How tall are u?!? And I remember u said ur picky so what’s ur fav food? Least fav? Ive been a vegetarian since I was 13 so I guess I also qualify as picky heh. And when did you get into writing and art?

I literally think ur so cool pls indulge me ❤️❤️❤️🧋

omg how far into it are you? I gotta watch the newer stuff still but I used to be OBSESSEDDDDD I probably will be again when I get back into it hehehe

ALSO OKAY

I'm 5'6/5'7ish

FAV FOOD I always love a greasy pizza takeaway with some cheesy chips, elite food <333 i hate stinky food so im not a big fan of things like onions or tuna, if it stinky i probably don't like it sadfghgfds

I think I've always been into art since I was super young!! My nana and parents were always buying me little paint sets and my first ever memory is handing a rly ugly drawing to my mam of me and her 😭 but yeah I've always been into art but only recently started taking it seriously and trying to find my style. I studied it in college and then uni and I have a masters in (i cant remember if it's fine art or art and design but i have an art masters degree)

and writing!! i think ive always loved writing too bc i remember rly enjoying writing little stories for my friends based on them and their crushes in high school and i remember when i was in my last year i wrote an entire novel (it's awful). but it was when dystopian stuff was super popular so i used to be SO excited to get home and write it.

I only started getting into fanfic like four years ago? when i started getting into anime i was like oh my god i need to consume as much content as i can i need somewhere to find fan art and memes and blah blah so i made a brand new tumblr dedicated to it. and to be honest i didnt even know fanfics were still a thing??

i remember it being a really cringe and weird thing for people to be into while i was in school so i was soooo shocked when i came across TONS of them when i made my account and i just got hooked and started binge reading so many and i was like omg i have an idea for a story im gonna write it!!

and i was rly infrequent with posting i just did like two or three and focused on my fan art and meme reblogs but then i joined a discord server and i just fell in love with writing and the community and the vibes, it was amazing.

and four years later here we are hehehe

sorry for talking so much i am a rambler <3333

jungkook + pure female pleasure

no joke that was deadass the title of the pornhub vid that inspired this tags: smut, domestic if u squint, handjob (f-receiving), a lil tit grabbin  wc: not even 2k lol  notes: why do all my ideas come to fruition at 1 am also this is one of many Jungkook fics I’ve started in the past week many of which will never see the light of day <3 god bless x2 bc its not proofread 

-

Realistically, Jungkook knows you don’t mean to entice him the way you do. You just loved being in his general vicinity, loved being drowned in his affection, being the sole object of his attention. And he knows it’s the long, busy week you both had that’s making you like this tonight, extra cuddly and extra sweet to him. He’d almost died when you opened the door to your apartment, so soft and warm in one of his big t-shirts and a pair of shorts so little your ass fell out.

He was whipped, anyone could tell you as much, but Jungkook didn’t care. Sure, he’d been deeply connected with other women before, but the way you made him feel, the comfort and adoration you’ve brought him in only the past six months of dating, was surreal. He knows now, all those other relationships he’d been in? Those flings and short-lived romances? Child’s play compared to the sheer amount of love you drowned him in.

Which is why he feels bad when he tells you he can’t tonight, right after your fingers toy with the waistband of his joggers—he came here straight after the gym, smelly and stinky and gross, because if he had stopped at his home, he’d most likely lose the energy to come see you tonight, and after the week you’ve had he couldn’t do that to you—and your lips trail across his neck. He’d felt terrible, watching the tiny pout on your lips as you registered his confession, and even worse when you smoothed it over and assured him all was right so long as he was here beside you.

It’s been twenty minutes now, and Jungkook was out of it. Was it the guilt from not being able to please you? You, who had done everything in your power to grant Jungkook the happiest six months of his life thus far. Guilt... or shame that he was so tired he couldn’t please you, his literal goddess. He wasn’t sure, and between being caught up in those thoughts, and balancing the bowl of popcorn on his lap, his brain can’t keep up. The popcorn tumbles over after a particularly jerky movement from him, the buttery food toppling onto your lap where it immediately sets into your tiny shorts.

“Jungkook!” You gasp in surprise, hopping to your feet to brush the oil away quickly. He sputters into action, rounding up the sullied popcorn bits and dumping them back into the bowl—it had no use now anyway. “Ah,” you say, when the chaos dies over and you’re left greasy from the food. “I’m gonna go get changed real quick, okay?”

“Wait—I’m sorry,” he sighs, catching your wrist in his hand. You pause, regarding him with curious eyes as you watch him slump over in his seat. “I’m fucking up real bad tonight, aren’t I?”

You plop down beside him, and Jungkook feels even worse seeing how sleek your thighs are with popcorn oil. “You’ve done nothing wrong, baby,” you assure him, brushing a hand down the nape of his neck. He relaxes into the touch. “Well, you did waste all that popcorn and get me dirty, but!” He rolls his eyes, obsesses over the quirk of your smile a little too much to be normal. “Nothing my little Rumba and a shower won’t fix.”

He groans as he leans back into the couch, and you chuckle at his dramatics. You shift, and his eyes flicker down to your legs again. “Take these off,” he huffs, doesn’t realize the implications of his words until you’re kneeling beside him in a little black thong. He folds your shorts around, figures if they’re dirty they might as well get dirtier as he wipes your thighs with the cotton.

“My hero,” you tease, wiggle your shoulders at him, and that’s when it hits him.

He gives your body a brief once over, doesn’t miss the way your thighs shift about the longer he stares at you. A lightbulb goes off somewhere, and he’s tossing your shorts to the ground, tugging you into his lap. “Baby,” you laugh, body pliant against his palms as he shifts you about. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Jungkook presses a kiss to your mouth, and part of him revels in the way your lips drop open so easily for him, a tiny exhale escaping you as he pecks your lips a couple more times. “Come here,” he says, ignoring your question as he spreads his legs wide, maneuvering you to sit in the open space between with your legs thrown over one leg, upper body thrown over the other.

“Jungkook,” you warn once the realization hits you, but he shushes you by ducking down and pressing another kiss to your lips.

“Let me take care of you, doll,” he murmurs, grabs the knee closest to him in one hand, slowly trailing his palm across the meat of your thighs.

You say no more as you melt into his hold, and part of Jungkook is happy to see that he has the same effect on you as you do on him. He massages your inner thigh a little more, let’s his fingers barely brush against the fabric of your thong. “So good to me,” he says, and the noise from the tv fades away as his ears hone in on the shaky exhales leaving your throat.

Your lower lip trembles when he makes eye contact with you, awaiting his first move. When he finally does run his palm over your mound, your hips arch deliciously into the air. “Woah, woah,” he chuckles, pressing his other hand down against your hip to hold you down, though it eventually let’s go in favor of smoothing over your stomach and ribs.

“Jungkook,” you huff, and he hums, pressing his thumb down over your bud. “J-Jungkook!” You gasp, hips swiveling at the sudden contact. He shushes you, rubs his thumb in circles as you continue to twitch and wiggle about.

You were so sensitive, and he was so in love.

“So pretty,” he tells you, stretching his fingers down to rub over your clothed folds. You moan, and your ability to stay still slowly begins to wither away as he presses harder and harder into you. “Just wanna fuck your pretty little brains out,” he admits,

Your back arches, and his big t-shirt slides down (up?) your body, pooling just before the swell of your breasts. He knew you weren’t wearing a bra, had felt your soft chest when you’d hugged him at the door. He pushes your shirt out of the way, massaging your boobs. You cry out at the sensation, hips circling up into his palm.

“More, more,” you whine, legs and arms stretching out wildly the faster he rubs his thumb over your clit. But it’s not enough, Jungkook Can tell by the way your brow furrows and the way you press his hand tighter against your breast.

“Take these off for me, doll,” he encourages, tugging at the hem of your thong and watches the way it rolls into itself the further down it goes, until you’re kicking it off your ankle with no consideration. He knocks your knees apart, can’t help but salivate at the glistening folds that present themselves to him.

“So wet, and tight,” he mumbles, dives his finger down just barely between your folds. You squeal, bucking into his palm. “And so, so responsive.”

“Please, just touch… touch me,” you cry out, grinding into his palm.

“Don’t worry your pretty head off, sweetheart,” Jungkook assures you, slides the point of his middle finger past your folds and into your core. You’re tighter than he remembers, but so warm and inviting. “Wanna make you cum and cum, until you’re shaking,” he says, and though he’s become so riled up by seeing you like this, his heart still flutters when you grab onto his shoulder, the fabric of his shirt bunched between your clenched fist.

Without the presence of that skimpy thing, there’s nothing that stops him from pressing his thumb against your clit. You positively mewl at the touch, your leg sporadically kicking out, sending a throw pillow tumbling off the couch.

“Oh—oh!” You weep, hands desperate to hold anything, anything, and they find their place wrapped around his bicep and grappling onto the side of the couch cushion. Jungkook basks in your reactions, reaches both hands down to rub against your dripping pussy. Every touch of his fingers to your most sensitive parts riles you up more and more, hips bucking into his palm, only to jerk away right after.

“Keep still,” Jungkook coos, smooths a palm over your stomach to push you down again. You moan, the simple touch sending tingles down your spine. And when you squirm about again and end up with a foot dangling off the side of the couch, face so close and overwhelmed, Jungkook can’t help but slot his mouth against yours for the briefest of moments.

It’s apparently the wrong thing to do, because when he pulls away, you're nearly sobbing and desperate for more. “Jungkookie, ther—there!!” You shriek, use the foot on the ground to push your hips up into his palm.

He lets you, mostly because it’s usually Jungkook desperate and horny for you, so to see you quivering and sobbing on his lap, pussy spread out for him to toy with, it boosts something inside of him. He gives your clit another few rubs, swallows the loud moan that threatens to escape, before trailing his hand further down your center.

“No, no,” you cry, looking at Jungkook with watery eyes. Your skin is so warm, every inch soft under his roaming palms. “I’ll cum, Jungkook, I-I’ll com—“

He silences you with another kiss, and for someone who loves you so much, he absolutely adores the way your lips tremble against his, the more distraught you become. “That’s the plan, doll,” he huffs out a quiet chuckle, smiles down at you as your face twists in pleasure.

“Koo—Kook!” You sob, hips bucking wildly into his palm, and Jungkook doesn’t even try to hold you down anymore, let’s you squirm and flail about as you chase your high. His fingers don’t slow either, rubbing against your glistening folds and your clit, until you’re sobbing his name some more.

“Come on, pretty baby,” he croons, reaching down to massage your breasts again. You cry out, flailing wildly. Your back arches so prettily, Jungkook thinks you could have been a renaissance statue, and you come.

“J-Jungkook,” you weep, body releasing a tiny series of twitches as your pleasure washes over you, and you cum all over his hand. He tries his best to keep it from staining your couch, but you come so much that he can barely push it back into you. “Jungkookie,” you whisper a second time, when the waves are beginning to slow and his fingers become too much.

He rushed to reassure you he’s still there, pressing a tender kiss to the corner of your mouth. “Right here, baby,” he murmurs, kissing down your face until he’s sucking against the soft spot behind your ear.

“Fuck,” you murmur, limbs still loose and weak against him.

He hums, pumps his fingers into you one last time, much to your surprise, because he loved the slick feeling of your warm heat enveloping him. “Feel good?” He asks, and you release another pitiful whine when his fingers curl inside of you. He muffles a smile against your jaw.

“Uh huh,” you groan, hips twitching again. You clench around his digits, and Jungkook wonders just how many more times he can unravel you tonight.

May I request a Dutch saving male reader after a really bad argument from the Pinkertons and/or Colm and getting really hurt and barley just survives?

tw: violence, language

-

“Whoo wee, look at him, boys!”

“We got ‘em good!”

“Look at all that blood!”

Their yells make the pounding in your ears louder.

It was a simple run.

Why wasn’t it just a simple run?

You had a single gun when you ran into a few O’Driscoll’s a couple miles from town. You were only passing by on your horse when they started to belittle you and mock Dutch from the side of the road. They said a few things that didn’t quite settle with you, and so you jumped from your horse, smacked his rear to make him run off back to camp, and the next thing you remember is pain.

You weren’t even tied up as they kick you on the ground in front of some cabin in the woods. Your eyes are nearly swollen completely shut, and the entire left side of your body is numb. Were you shot? Stabbed? You honest to god couldn’t tell. There was too much blood.

Someone kicks you in the side and you groan. You couldn’t even curl up to cover yourself.

“Maybe you shoulda held your tongue, boy!”

“Maybe...” you choke out, the word sounding odd on your broken lips. “Maybe I woulda...if you weren’t so...damn ugly...”

There’s more yelling, and an even harder kick to your jaw that nearly makes you pass out.

“Why I outta-“

“Come on! He ain’t bloody enough just yet!”

One of the stinky men kneel down next to your head, using a knife to rip away the front of your shirt. It stings, because he manages to hit your skin as well with every rip. Like paper cuts that hurt like hell, only bigger and all over your chest.

More tears are forced out of your leaking eyes because damn it, you’re on the ground nearly dying, and it makes you so damn angry because you can’t do a damn thing about it. If only you’d taken Hosea’s advice and learn how to control your anger. He always did say it would be what killed you.

“Hell, if you had a cunt, we’d take you right here!”

You mentally throw up and probably actually do a little in your mouth as there’s a boot holding your shoulder down harshly, a knife drawing across your ribs, and a hand pressing and digging it’s nails into the several wounds across your abdomen.

“Go to hell,” is all you manage.

“You first-“

There’s suddenly more blood on you than there was a split second ago, and you feel as if your arm was detached from your body. You can’t even scream, it gets stuck in your throat. Barely managing to turn your head as the other men jump away from you with yelps of surprise, you see you’d been shot in the shoulder the man was standing on. Your eyes trail further up, meeting with the ugly grey ones of Colm. Oh how you wanted to rip his greasy hair from his head-

“Now boys, just what the hell are you doin?”

“Colm! We found one of Dutch’s boys mouthin’ off to us!”

“Well I’ll be damned. If it ain’t Mr. (L/n). Heh. What are you doin’ so far away from your king?”

“Oh, fuck you...”

Colm laughs and kicks you in your wounded shoulder, spurs cutting deep. You cry out, but can’t even lift your head. Cant use your mouth to spit on his boot.

“Save that for Dutch.”

“Thank you for your hospitality, Colm.”

The O’Driscoll boys stumble back, immediately going for their guns on their belts. In just a split second, everyone has a gun pointed at one another. Oh, Dutch. My savior.

“I don’t quite like how you’ve been treating our friend, friend.” The controlled anger on Dutch’s face could make the Devil high-tail outta Georgia.

“Well I don’t quite enjoy your boys killin mine, Dutch.” Colm retorts.

There’s a moment of silence, of sharp end grey between the two men, before Colm’s eyes leave Dutch’s and see just how outnumbered he really is. Arthur is at one side of him, John on the other. Bill and Javier had circled around and taken a spot behind Colm and his men, Charles and Micah to the side. He was surrounded.

He realizes this, takes a deep breath, and slowly holsters his guns, quietly chuckling. Dutch does the same.

“Oh, what would you be without your boys, Dutch.”

“A lot more than you’d be, Colm.”

After they had taken off on their horses, you don’t think you’d ever been more grateful of the pain of behind lifted up and standing. You’d really thought you’d die on that spot of Gods green earth.

“Goddamn O’Driscolls,” John scowls from your left, grip tightening on your arm that had been slung around his shoulders. “I’ll kill ‘em. Every last one.”

“Same some for me,” you mutter.

It’s a long, hard trip back to Horseshoe. You can’t even open your eyes and see who gets you up off the back of Johns horse. You can only tell it’s one of the bigger men as you have to be lifted and carried over to your tent. You can hear Grimshaw fussing over you, shooing the others away.

But for Dutch, you can crack your heavy eyes open and look at him the best you can. The man lays a hand on your own, patting it.

“You’ll be just fine, son. Back to your best shape in no time. I’m glad we got there when we did.”

“Me too.”

He laughs a little, and pats your hand again before stepping away and letting Grimshaw work. Your eyes don’t leave his back until he’s out of sight. Dutch has saved your life yet again. You’d honestly do anything for the man.

Anything.

@enide-s-dear​ OOooooohh!! Good one!

This’ll be fun :)

favorite thing about them: Oh god, what to pick?! Look, while I don’t talk about him nearly enough(an absolute crime, I know,), like all the gang I love and appreciate him deeply. I think what gets me about him is that, while he is the party’s token Edgy guy, he doesn’t behave like how most Edgy guys do? Like, yeah, he goes on and on, and on and on about the weight of his sins and shit, but like, on the whole he comes off as an awkward, kinda-concerned uncle-dad who’s watching from the corner at a family gathering, needs to be kinda roped in to participate, but on the whole he’s having a good time and loves everyone but just, has a hard time expressing it? Yeah? Yeah.

least favorite thing about them: Fshhhwwhwhwhww, I needa think? Not much in the OG, if I’m honest. He doesn’t get into as much shit as many of the other guys-- Or maybe he does, and I just didn’t see it because there’s a million fucking ways you can play this game. I don’t know, I guess sometimes he gets too mopey. We love the guy, and he has more than enough reason to be miserable, but sometimes it gets into borderline hammy Woe Is Me territory and that’s a little Much.

favorite line: Okay, look, I am shit at remembering specific lines-- But you know the Huge Materia train sequence???? That fuking bit where the train’s going full-speed and he’s like, “hEY, HEY, CHIEF! SLOW DOWN THERE CHIEF--” --Incredibly paraphrased, of course. Point is, Vincent going along with Cid’s ideas like a wacky little sidekick is xoxox <333 I love.

brOTP: Him, Cid and Yuffie. They’re just... Such a disaster trio. Absolutely wild. Unhinged. Insane. Two middle-aged men and their teenage daughter. Excellent. Honestly though? I think Vince works with anyone if you put him in the right situation. Yeah, yeah, I say this about everything and everyone... But he has A Vibe. Like, he very easily balances out or melds with the high-energy gung-ho drives of the group’s majority or can sit back and mull things over with Tifa-- No doubt a bit of reprieve for them both.

OTP: Honestly? I don’t think I really ship him with anyone? I dunno, Vince just seems like that after what he’s been through, it’d take him years to get with anyone again-- I think I’ve said this in another ask-meme. Valenwind can be fun sometimes! I don’t think I like it enough to write anything romantic for it, but I love the art some of you guys come up with!

nOTP: Not one for this, either? Okay, like, there are alot of horrible and awful dynamics you could toss him into(...Hojo...)-- But the very point of those dynamics would be that they’re horrible, and to serve as psych-horror. One thing I really don’t like is when Vince and Lucrecia’s fling is portrayed as this beautifully tragic but would-be ~wonderful~ romance if only it weren’t for Ugly, Stinky Little Hojo. Lucrecia was incredibly fucking irresponsible, from what little I’ve heard of DoC, and had little to no concern about either how this affected Vince or was too deep in her own misery to work it out. I think even without Hojo, Lucrecia just... wasn’t All There. You get the feel?

random headcanon: Greasy. Profoundly so. Doesn’t sleep. When he does, he snores horrendously. Would give long talks out on a lawnchair with a red cup full of Monster he never sips from and long pauses between each sentence. He sips once towards the end.

unpopular opinion: Other than the Dad Debate, fuck if I know. Why did his dad need to look like Middle-Aged Bloodborn!Angeal, I guess.

song i associate with them: Ooo! Off the top of my head, Sweet Six Shooter by Coyote Kisses kinda works? Yeah, it kinda works :)

favorite picture of them: hhjgjhgjgjHJKJKHFKHJGKDJF OH GOD OH FUCK OH MAN-- I???? I don’t draw him often, but I have some art from an AU I kinda like? A Job-Swap AU I built up with my friend--

I swapped him with Tifa’s “boxer” class(she was likewise swapped with him). I have more, but I think this should paint a picture.

Thank you for asking, as always, Enide! You always know how to throw me a good curveball <3

Huge-ask post (I am VERY funny)

Because I have so many questions that can be answered with just text, and I have mentioned my dislike of filling my art blog up with Words Words Words... let’s get them all done in one go!

(You guys can blacklist #rattytalks if you’re just here for the draws, btw)

A shit ton of asks under the cut!

Anonymous said: So for the center of the world, what with it being forcefully PG and all Bad Thoughts TM being prevented, how does having kids happen? Do parents just black out and wake up holding a child in their arms and vague memories of the last 9 months?

Ever seen a movie where they do that “and one day... a baby was born!” thing and a kid just appears offscreen with no explanation?

(This is how it works everywhere, Edgelands included; no one does the do or gets pregnant in this setting.)

Anonymous said: Hello! Quick question, and sorry if you’ve answered this before, but can other elves see the “intangible” bits of one another? Big fan of your work btw!

Nope! And thank you!

Anonymous said: Leopold was in my dream last night but I sadly cannot remember any of it.

I am SO sorry. I will try to keep my stinky murder men out of your head in the future.

Anonymous said: are the floaty bits stuck in one spot, or could the one they are attached to learn to move them around their body as long as its still within a certain distance? like, someone with the Floaty limbs, lets call him Ray, can move his limbs all over his body, allowing him to do all sorts of neat things that others with their attached limbs probably couldn't?

Whatever you want, honestly. As a general rule of thumb I don’t like putting down TOO many hard rules that prevent people from having fun with this setting. (Please ignore and scrap anything you think is stupid, I do this all the time and enjoy keeping this setting inconsistent and contradictory)

Anonymous said: Do elf names work off of Death Note rules, or is it like, if you know one elf’s name, all elves with that name are now unable to harm you? So if all the elf brothers are named Martin, for example, does it only work with blue?

I think it’s prolly just the one! Probably? Idk, might change if I think of something funnier.

Anonymous said: Can elves do magic on themselves or does thst go against the knowing name rule

Most people tend to know their own names, lol. So in my opinion, no, but don’t let me stop you if you got a fun idea.

Anonymous said: Could an Elf stitch on parts from another elf and have them work? i.e an Elf's finds the arm of another Elf. "Hey, free arm, might as well put it to good use", so they attach the arm and now they can give three high fives at once!

Same deal as previous questions, I personally would say no, but I also encourage people to do whatever the hell they want. It’s more fun that way!

Anonymous said: I bet elves are greasy to the touch.

They’re very powdery! Like if you rolled them in flour. And by flour I mean nasty glowing elf dandruff.

Anonymous said: Can elves fly or are their wings just for show?

No flying!!! (Unless you’re a mousefly)

Anonymous said: Something tells me that the elves would LOVE Obatzda.

Had to look that up, but definitely!

no1fan15: Not sure if someone asked already- Does Edgeworld have any equivalent to demons and angels? Like the old rubberhose cartoon kind?

Demons, yes! That’s what imps are: basically any demon, devil, or generic monster, but tiny! Even a couple of pop culture critters in there, there’s probably a very small gillman or robot monster running around there somewhere.

Angels, not so far. 

Anonymous said: How come Margaret hasn't yeeted George's jar into the Edge yet

I’d say being locked in a closet is good enough! (and also I need him for plot reasons, don’t tell anyone)

Anonymous said: If elves have knees bulges in the front then do they have butt bulges in the back?

i do not want to think about elf bulges

Anonymous said: So if you find a baby Therewoof and you say "aw you're so cute", their true name is So Cute?

Yep!

Anonymous said: Since a Therewoof's true name can be something like "cutie pie" or "dingus", does their name have to be spoken with "intent" for it to doggo-fy them? Or do they just have to live with the reality that any casual conversation/flirting can make them lose up to a month to Doggy Mode? My mom has little terrier dog named "Sweetie" so that got me thinking 'bout Therewoof names. & Anonymous said: here's a good question: If someone says a therewoof's true name, but not reffering to them, does it still affect them?

Just saying it will do! It’s based on those old werewolf stories where calling out the person’s name will change them back into a human/cure them, and a lot of the time it was by accident.

(My favorite is the one where they slam the door on the wolf’s tail and then say his name, and the dude ends up with a wolf tail for the rest of his life.)

Anonymous said: Would Seeing eye Therewoofs be a thing?

I... guess? Probably? Since regular dogs can turn into woofs, yeah. You might have to start paying em once they turn into a person tho. 

Anonymous said: Was ChalkZone ever an inspiration for you? Because I just love the silly world of ChalkZone and I noticed getting that same warm feeling when thinking about Edgeworld.

Maaaan, I wish. I’ve only seen about three episodes or so, but it seems really fun!

Anonymous said: So I saw your mimic post, and even though I don't think I've seen any other of your art before I was absolutely HAMMERED with an indescribable sense of slightly unsettling strangeness and comfortable familiarity. Your art feels like something from like, an old point and click computer game I would have had formative memories of before accidentally losing or scratching the disc therefore making me unsure if it ever REALLY existed. Sorry for being weird but I love the wacky nostalgia feel here

Aaaaaah, THANK YOU! That is SUCH a cool comparison and I appreciate!!!

Anonymous said: If the Edgeworld is based on cartoons then is there a Reverse Edge-world that’s based on anime?

Lol, I mean I DID have an anime phase for a while there, so...

caydebug: Man I’d love to see this as a cartoon some day

Honestly, same. Best you’re gonna get is the occasional animatic or gif, tho.

Anonymous said: Does anyone..."go" in Edgeworld? or is it like Pleasantville where bathrooms exist but there are no toilets in them because acknowledging it is yucky?

Oh god I keep getting asked this and have been avoiding it like the damn plague. But... Uh. No. No they do not. I am begging you all not to send any followup questions.

Anonymous said: Have you considered putting computer viruses or illnesses in with the buggymen? Since those are typically called ‘bugs’

Sure!

Anonymous said: are there any limits to what an Animimic could posess? i.e if they were in a costume of a Buggieman with multiple arms, could they control all of them? what about a small Mousefly costume? can multiple fit into one costume like a clown car? and what about in pitch black darkness, where you can only see the lights of their eyes and not their bodies? could one fit inside the pocket of a jacket you are wearing and help you steal things/wield a gun like a living turret?

Since clothing fills into the body type of the intended wearer, they would indeed be able to control all arms/legs in buggieman clothes.

Size restrictions is one of these things I wanna try to be vague about: I personally have been imagining them sticking to hiding in things no smaller than, um. Maybe imp sized, but really, whatever. It’s a cartoon eyeball critter!

You can put multiple animimics in one outfit!

They can move around just fine in darkness without being off screen, yeah!

And sure why not. lol

Anonymous said: I know you have been asked this once before, and you said nah you don't, but with a few more months of worldbuilding, do you have an idea for what could be down the edge now? 🤔

Not really! It’s not super important, honestly. I’d say any fan theory is about as valid as anything else I can come up with.

ps2polpo: I doubt you’ll ever elaborate on The Edge but I like to imagine there’s just one dude there like the Nowhere Man from the Yellow Submarine movie. Mostly cause the thought of someone accidentally winding up there being like “where am I?” And there’s just a guy casually waving at him like a friendly neighbor is funny to me & Anonymous said: The implication that the Edge is the physical manifestation of edginess so there’s probably like, Trevor Henderson monsters hanging out down there.

See above question! Valid! I also accept falling forever, getting erased from existence, ending up in another universe, getting stuck in limbo with thousands of other people, whatever you want, really!

Anonymous said: " he has very few bones and weighs basically nothing, " "Fastball special" trope, but with Leo?

YEET THE NASTY MAN

Anonymous said: did you ever watch dragon tales as a kid? because george and margaret make me think of murderous zak and wheezie from that show, and i love it to bits

I did not, but I would have loved it. Definitely up my alley!

(watched Quest for Camelot a loooot, though!)

Imma go ahead and stop here! There’s more but I’ve been writing for well over an hour and I have things to do. If your question is missing I’m either saving it for later, wasn’t entirely sure how to answer, or it’s spoilery.

Will probably do another one of these at some point!

hi tumblr bastard

hello bastard man tis i

slut.

yes that is my name now refer me as such

i am 5"3 but with shoes on i am a great big man

i am very sexy with big boobies and a great big badonadonk.

i think i am hilarious with a lot of sex appeal and i am very v3ery cool.

i have no friends but that is okay because i am so attractive that it makes up for my loneliness 

my pronouns are she/her but ill be anything 4 u bbygorl

my hobbies are making fun of my one friend (you) and making them angry bc they aare very smelly and hate me

i am an entj meaning i have 4 letters that tell me i am cool and i am a capricorn meaning people make fun of me by calling me a caprisun

anyways yes tell me what fictional 2d man would love me, a short lesbian with no redeeming qualities

ur blog is nice or whatever idk what to say here ive looked at your past requests and they all say this at the end so

(PSA: this is my irl friend and we are always really mean to each other, so this matchup is not serious at all, and my other ones aren’t as stupid as this one so please don’t think i’m a bitchy cyberbully:)) hello slut. thanks for requesting ig :I. also you are a dirty liar almost everything in this explanation is fake as fuck (cough cough badonkadonks) anyways here’s your matchup.

generating matchup...

matchup: complete

i match you up with low quality background character!

you guys are a perfect fit this guy is so funny and sexy and swag and cool and everyone loves to be around him, but no one wants to date him because of his ugly tracksuit so he turns to you because you are the only person left that is lonely enough to want to be with him.

he loves caprisuns so he often goes to the store for hours and hours on end just choosing caprisuns but also to escape you because even though he is dating you he still doesn’t like being around you 24/7 because you are a weird feral gremlin who talks about concerning things, and he cannot hold a conversation with you without having to bathe in holy water.

when you say you are really cool, he pretends to agree but he really knows that you are unsexy and unswag and he just doesn’t want to tell you because no one should have to be told that they are unsexy and unswag that’s just too much pain for someone to handle, so he is waiting until he breaks up with you to tell you.

he likes me better than he likes you because i’m so much sexier and i have many redeeming qualities and i also can pretend to be mentally stable so he is just waiting for the perfect time to leave you and be with me but little does he know i will turn him down because anyone who liked you has no standards and if i am with them that would mean i am like you and i cannot handle that.

you say your one friend (me) is smelly, and he pretends to agree with you but he knows that you are the smelly one because you do not shower like a little dirty gremlin. whenever he touches you he has to wash his hands no less than 45 times and then boil his hands in purified fiji water to feel somewhat clean.

he is not afraid to tell you that you aren’t a big man because he doesn’t want you to be delusional and think that you are even close to being a bigger man than anyone- like your god complex his huge enough he has to make some effort to tone down your ego a little bit. (it doesn’t work you self absorbed bastard).

if you ever say babygirl when he is in a 70 foot radius of you, he will throw up his entire stomach and just collapse and twitch on the floor due to the pure disgustingness that you uttering the words “babygirl” holds. if you ever see him do that, he will just say it’s because he’s so in love with you that he has to puke out his organs to make room for his heart that is expanding due to all the love he has for you.

he thinks you are stupid because you can’t even spell very and are correctly, so he will always give you spelling books as a way to lowkey tell you to learn how to read, but you are so dumb that you think he’s just bad at giving gifts, and you just use them as chairs, while he is slowly getting more annoyed about how you don’t know how to read.

he really wants to leave you but he can’t because he sees that you are so lonely and that i, your incredibly sexy and swag friend, have to deal with you with no help from anyone else and he doesn’t want to put me through that pure torture, so every day he takes like 20 advil pills to be able to calm the growing headache that was caused by just being around you.

overall, you are greasy and stinky and feral and diseased and annoying and clingy and stupid and you are unable to ever be with a haikyuu character that isn’t a low quality background person, and even then the low quality person can barely stand you. in conclusion, you are the true stinky bastard man so go cry in your room :)

i hope you enjoyed!

michael, jason, billy lenz, brahms, and thomas hewitt with a s/o who's deceptively strong? like they go to manhandle them one day, or maybe there's a fight/argument and s/o just goes "lmao nope" and pick them or someone else up like a bratty cat????

this is such a fucking mood my dude. i do this to my friends all the time when they're being lil shits and standing in my way on purpose. just boop! pick 'em up and plop 'em down somewhere else | ￣︶￣|o but i'm a big ol' soft boy so is surprises them every single time

‘nother read more bc i physically cannot stop myself from writing hella lot. warnings for nsfw-ish bits with billy lenz and brahms

Michael Myers

- You must've done something to royally piss Michael off, because he has been trying to stab you all day. And normally, you would brush it off as him trying to spook you, but he had gotten a slash in on your thigh that stings like a fucking bitch.

- Okay Michael, you want to dance, then let's dance.

- The next time you see him he's coming at you with his knife, you're prepared. He doesn't expect you to tackle him around the middle, and hoist him over your shoulder like he was nothing but a sack of potatoes. It startles him enough that he drops his knife.

- And he doesn't expect to not be able to squirm out of the grasp you have on his wrists after you dump him on the couch and crawl on top of him.

- You had looked to weak, so pathetic. That was part of the reason Michael spared you in the first place. But now the tables have turned, and while Michael never really like relinquishing his power, to anyone he lets it go just this once. And whatever reason he thought of that made him want to kill you is forgotten.

- But you forget that Michael is stealthy, and thinks he's just as strong as as you are. So he can and will sneak up on you and pick you up. But you easily overpower him. You think he would learn from the first time, but Michael is determined to get one over you.

- The only time he finally, finally learns that you're stronger than him is when you hold him down and tie him to the bed, and have your wicked way with him. It might not entirely be a bad thing for you to be stronger than him.

- But that still doesn't change the fact that Michael thinks he's stronger than you.

Jason Voorhees

- Okay so, you could understand why Jason always wanted to kill the people that trespassed onto Camp Crystal Lake. It was his camp, and campers had killed his mother (even though it was out of self defense). And a lot of the people that came here were, frankly douchebags. But c'mon Jason, these are just some friends that want to go on a camping trip!

- And he outright ignores you, and locks you in your cabin, as if that's going to stop you. You get to the campers before him, because while he may know the lay of the land better, you are overall lighter and faster than him. All it takes is a warning of a serial killer on the loose and flashing a fake police badge for them to pack up and leave, heading to a motel you recommended.

- And Jason is /not/ happy. If he could yell, he would, but instead he grumbles and groans as loudly as he can and stamps his foot. Angry enough, it seems, to try and pick you up and wrangle you back to the cabin. But oh, ho, ho Jason! You're not in the mood for playing around!

- Jason is yet another victim of being effortlessly thrown over your shoulder, and he has no clue what's going on when it happens, until you're halfway back to the cabin. Even then, he's unable to squirm out of that iron clad grasp of yours until you let him go in the cabin, and decide that you're spending the night in town if Jason's going to be in a mood.

- He is absolutely flabbergasted, so shocked that he can't function until you're long gone.

- But you're so tiny. He was almost touching the ground even despite you carrying him. And even though he should feel indigated at the whole experience, it reminded him too much of his mother. Yes, Jason was always a well behaved boy, but there were occasions where he acted up and Pamela had to carry him to his room for a timeout.

- And Pamela recalls this fondly, and says that you're going to be such a good parent if the two of you ever got around to having kids together, even though Jason's pretty sure he can't even have kids with someone, let alone with you.

- Oh well, a mother can dream.

Billy Lenz

- Of course you know Billy's hiding up in the attic of the sorority, but it's not like you're going to spill the beans and tell anyone. Technically, you weren't supposed to be here either, but the girls were letting you crash here during the fallout of some dorm drama. There was an empty room they could never decide on someone to stay there, so it was all yours.

- And Billy loved breaking into your room in the middle of the night. Barb might've had a tongue on her, but you were the one ballsy enough to tell Billy "not to threaten you with a good time" and "put his money where his mouth is if he's man enough". And as far as the girls of the house knew, you had a secret boyfriend who you would have a go at in the middle of the night. Yeah, the people who couldn't sleep through it weren't happy about the noise, but no one suspected it was Billy who was making you moan like that.

- And you had told Billy to knock it off for the night, because everyone was drinking, and everyone was passed out in the living room. And even though they sleeping solidly, Billy knew how loud you got when he slipped his hand in your pants and played with you, let alone his mouth. He was crouching between your legs, trying to shimmy your trousers off, and licking his lips as his mouth watered, so you knew exactly how this was going to go.

- Phyl was starting to shift and groan, so there was no time to waste. Pulling your pants back up and buttoning them as quickly as you could, you tossed Billy over your shoulder in a fireman's carry and sprinted up the stairs, and crawled up into the attic without so much as batting an eye.

- Billy however, oh dear Billy was so shocked that until you dumped him down on the mattress in the attic he slept on. As soon as he was set down, he jumped at you, mouthing at your neck and pulling you down onto the mattress with him, begging you to "Play with naughty Billy again, play with Billy until you make him scream.".

- Sufficed, Billy is very, very excited, and wholeheartedly supports any shows of excessive strength when it comes to him. He may initially have loved holding power over you, and don't get him wrong, he still does, but the way you can pick him up and treat him like a doll really gets him going.

Brahms Heelshire

- Bratty, baby Brahms is a mad cuddle fiend. In any regard, in any way you'll let him. Big spoon, little spoon, forking, laying against each other, hugs, Brahms will take anything you give him, even if it's just holding hands.

- And he knows you love them just as much as he does, and he does use this against you all the time.

- No, no, we don't need to eat breakfast just yet, we can lay in bed a few more hours.

- Fine, you can go pee, but Brahms will hold your hand the entire time (because he knows you'll let him).

- But this was it, this was the final straw. Brahms was sitting in your lap, facing you, arms wound around your neck and snuggled quite happily against the side of your face while you tried to read a book over his shoulder.

- But by God, Brahms reeked. You know baths weren't his favorite, but he had been running through the walls for days while something in the house was being fixed by a construction crew. His entire body reeked from sweat, his hair was greasy, and he certainly hadn't changed his clothes the entire time. You liked when Brahms had a musk about him, but this was too much for you.

- It was a back and forth for the past hour of trying to get Brahms to get up and bathe. You would tell Brahms he was a stinky boy, and he would say five more minutes. Enough was enough. When you grab Brahms' ass, at first he finally thinks you've caved to have fun times with him, but when you stand up and keep him held up by those hands, he wraps himself around you in an effort not to be dropped.

- Even though he has probably been though longer falls than this would be, he begs you to please put him down, but you do not waver. Regardless of how spooked he is, he is also incredibly turned on, knowing that you could take him up against a wall whenever you wanted, or even *gasp* carry him around like the baby he is!

- You can appreciate him shutting up, but in retrospect, him rutting against you and letting out those deep whines might be harder to deal with. Especially when tries pulling you closer by digging his heels into the small of your back. Another adventure for another day, you think, when you dump him into the shower and crank the cold water on full blast, clothes and all.

- Brahms isn't exactly happy about that, but it's a non-issue for you to strip and pin him down in the tub to fling his sopping clothes off and scrub him down with a loofah and wash his hair.

- When Brahms is finally clean, and sitting on his bed in a towel, he carefully plots his revenge. And oh, he will get his revenge. He just needs to figure out how to work around your freakish strength first.

Thomas Hewitt

- So you don't know what entirely is up with the Hewitt's yet, but you know it's something pretty bad is everyone else avoids them, or refuses to talk about them. But you had moved into town with your family quite a bit ago, and you had eyes for their son Thomas.

- You didn't know what the fuss was about when you popped into their gas station and asked his uncle (brother?), Charlie, for proper permission to take him out for a date. After all, it was the only polite thing to do, since you rarely saw Thomas out and about without one of his family members after he stopped showing up to the new school.

- If Luda Mae hadn't stopped him, you would've had your head blown clean off. Luda Mae let you down kinder, saying she was real happy someone had eyes for Thomas, but you were an outsider and had no place in their family.

- Oh well, like that was going to stop you. This boy made your heart thump, and you weren't about to give up because he has some nasties in his family. Hell, your family wasn't the happiest about your choice in crush, but you were determined.

- His sister (aunt, cousin? you didn't really know what was up with his family) Henrietta was kinder, and agreed to be your little liaison, delivering flowers and letters to him on her behalf. And you didn't know about it, but she had been working Luda Mae to let you two out for a date.

- Charlie, oh boy, was he pissed when you showed up on the property to take Thomas out on a picnic date. No matter how much Luda Mae yelled at him to leave you the hell alone, he was still fixing on shooting you clean in the head. Cocky son of a bitch sure didn't expect you pick him up and set him down on the couch, before scooping up Thomas and walking out of the house with him.

- You weren't much to look at, so Charlie was thrown for a loop when you put him in his place, and was down right shocked like you picked Thomas up bridal style like it was nothing, and strolled out to your pick-up truck.

- Thomas is just as surprised, though goes willingly. You had seemed so sweet and kind and soft, he knew you wouldn't mesh well with the Hewitt lifestyle. But you made him so happy that he wanted to throw all caution to the wind. He's delighted to know that you could hold your own against his family.

- Everyone, even himself, expects him to be one big, mean, bastard, but after confirming with an arm wrestling match that you're much, much stronger than him, he lets his guard down. He can be scared, and confused, and not expect a backhand or called an animal or a retard. I mean, you call him a stud, but even he knows that's meant as a compliment.

- He gets so bubbly and happy when you pick him up and carry him around, especially when you do it without him asking. It makes him feel like a kid again. It also puts you two on even footing for once, so he can kiss you and bump his face (which you don't mind? it boggles his mind) against yours.

- And it's always a good day for everyone when you put Charlie in his place, and he shuts the hell up for once. Despite his intense dislike for you, everyone else in the family adores you and welcomes you with open arms. There's not many people that Thomas without exception or hesitation, and they're always welcome members of the Hewitt household.

Could I ask for a headcanon list—not specifically x reader unless you prefer it that way—about Fyodor just curling up with a close friend who’s upset, and being there for them? Maybe with an added touch of his feelings about it, and/or a warm blanket? Though if that’s not in-character for your Fyo, could you write a list that is? (No, I’m not feeling particularly upset, just... I can’t for the life of me figure out what he’d do, and it’s bugging me. Plus soft Fyo is always a plus.)

*cracks knuckles* I was gonna do some powering through my late Dazai BDay thing before bed, but this won’t take too long. stinky rat man fluff, here we go!

tbh, i feel if Fyodor had a extremely close friend or s/o i don’t think he’d want them to really “worship” him

as long as they agreed and supported his goal i think that’d be enough, he wouldn’t want you guys to be “separated”

aaaannnnywaaaay

nothing, and i mean NOTHING, better even consider hurting his friend

he wouldn’t hesitate to have them killed asap

there being someone he knows he can trust 100% and be completely vulnerable to is a once in a lifetime thing for someone like him

i feel he’d even drop whatever he was doing, including anything related to him becoming god, to save them cuz he probably wouldn’t find another

like Dazai and Ranpo, his intelligence can get in the way of him seeing things at an emotional level, but he’ll do his best

he wouldn’t sugarcoat things if you asked for advice or whatnot, but he’d use softer language

if you just need someone close, he’d let you lay or cuddle next to him while he sits on the floor working

if the situation works out this way, he’d try to take more breaks to give you attention if needed

when he does do this, he tries to keep your mind occupied

chatting about random things you’ve both read online while doing a puzzle, playing games like chess or cards, maybe some selfcare stuff

if you have an animal you love he might pull some strings to either get or take you to one

if you came over while he’s sitting on the floor at his computer, flopping down and curling up next to him in blankets your head resting on his thigh he wouldn’t bat an eye

“... wanna talk?” *grunt* “okay.”

occasionally he’ll run a hand through your hair or massage you back and shoulders

if you fall asleep he won’t move unless he absolutely needs to

leaves Ivan in charge of you when he goes out

Fyodor: *listing off all warning signs, favorite snacks, music, book genres, etc.*

Ivan: *smiling and nodding the whole time while taking notes on a notepad despite being told this the day before and many other times*

if you’re sad cuz someone you love died he’d offer to help you avenge them, and would let you deliver the final blow if desired

and if they asked he’d sleep with them no not like that ya thirsty hoes

he’d be the big spoon so they’d feel safe and protected despite being more of a noodle than dazai and weak af

i’m sure they’re many who wouldn’t agree with my thoughts but everyone has that 1 thing that’ll make them act irrationally no matter what, and i feel that 1 thing for our greasy rat man is someone he’s close to like this.

32 and you know it’s minicat :D

I love when you pick Minicat

Number: 32Prompt: Person A mumbles “stop biting your lip” and uses their thumb to drag person B’s lip out from between their teeth, only to press forward and kiss their chapped lipsPairing: Minicat

Tyler’s boyfriend sucked at taking care of himself. It was a known fact to anyone who knew Mini, honestly. Too wrapped up in writing the next screenplay or running a set of lines with his leading lady, Craig honestly was a trainwreck waiting to smash into himself. Food wasn’t a thought until his stomach threatened to eat itself, sleep was tossed in between scene breaks, and Tyler once had to duct tape a water bottle to Mini’s arm to remind him to drink something during hell week. It was like having a child sometimes, and if Tyler didn’t love the theater major so much, he’d kill him. 

“Oh my god, this is so fucking good. I literally could have sex with you on this stage right now.” Tyler rolled his eyes at Craig’s dramatics when he stuffed another spoon of rice into his mouth, moaning around the cheap Chinese food like it was a banquet. The lights of the stage were lowered, as they were the only two left in the auditorium. Craig had let the others go home while he played with the lighting for the final act, which was where Tyler found him twenty minutes ago (an hour after rehearsal was done). His strong glare and ‘guiding’ shoves got Mini to plop down on the stage, though his protests quickly died at the sight of the brown bags of food. “Seriously, I haven’t tasted something so amazing in weeks.”

“It’s literally mall food.” He’d picked it up after leaving his job at the movie theater, since everything else was already closed. 

“Mall Chinese food is the best. Wait, are those Crab Rangoon? Gimme gimme gimme-”

“Chew what’s in your mouth first.” Tyler used his chopsticks to poke Mini’s nose, making him rear back to his own plate. Sure, he’d bought the stinky fried globs for Craig, but the last thing he wanted to do was perform the Heimlich with the crab still in his boyfriend’s mouth.

“Fine.” As if they were still in kindergarten (Tyler remembered the chubby face too small for his round glasses glaring up at him), Mini pouted, letting his lower lip pop out. Tyler’s gaze turned calculated when he glanced to the mouth, picking up on the worried skin.

“Stop stressing about your show; it’s going to be fine.” The call out had Craig blinking before he sucked the lip back between his teeth, as if hiding the evidence from Tyler.

“I’m not stressed.” He even said it with the skin caught in place, slightly muffling his tone.

“Yeah? Then why are you biting your lip so much?” To prove his point, Tyler rocked forward onto his knees, avoiding their dinner to cup Craig’s cheek in his hand. “You do this whenever you’re panicking. Which is every time one of your pieces is about to premiere. Then your show does amazing, and I’m stuck kissing sandpaper lips for a week. I ain’t a fan. So stop it with the lip biting.” 

“You…really think my shows are good?” The unsure tone that rarely made an appearance in Mini’s character appeared quietly, because it wasn’t just physical health Craig never thought about. But Tyler knew how to handle it. He’d been doing it for decades, afterall. Slowly, his thumb moved across the worn down skin, dislodging it from teeth that sunk in too deep for Tyler’s comfort.

“Only ones I give a shit about. So relax.” Then he dipped forward, ignoring the slight scrape of broken skin to kiss the greasy salt off Mini’s lips. At first, it felt awkward, kissing Craig on stage. But the moment soon settled into quietness, the echo of the silent audience making the gentle press of lips feel more intimate than normal. Craig’s soft breath of relief flickered over Tyler’s mouth before the kiss was returned, lazy arms wrapping around his neck to pull him closer. A shift to the left made the two fall into each other, food forgotten for something more tantalizing. 

Craig didn’t need to take care of himself; Tyler would always be there to do it for him.

Forgotten Stories 3: Baby hunter and Daddy vampire (you guessed it, Mortal Instruments)

jace signed softly as he waited at the cafe. He was annoyed something fierce as the former mundane turned vampire Simon had flat out SUMMONED here to the late night dinner, saying that they NEEDED to talk. Jace, who had better things to do, and money to make was understandably vexed and as he sipped on the black crud that this greasy spoon dared to call coffee, he mumbled to himself. "Swear to god, if it's more of my blood he's after.." the shadow hunter grumbled, then set the coffee down and reached once again for the sugar, pouring more into the crud. "How the hell do you not have diabetes?" Came the amused tone of the vampire and jace just rolled his eyes. "you know,. just because you're immortal and can drink anything doesn't mean the rest of us are. i have to make this drinkable SOMEHOW." the blond shot back and then nodded to the seat across from him. "Now you wanna tell me why I'm here instead of doing better things with my time? I'm not giving you more blood..or gum wrappers." jace smirked at that as Simon narrowed his eyes, taking a seat. "ohhh wow, soo witty. I was a rat for a few hours years ago. get over it. and besides, in terms of embarrassing things.. i think you've more then topped me being turned into a rat." Simon said and gave a big smirk. "what ever you think you've found-" Jace started to say, but even as he spoke he was getting a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and then Simon pulled out a tablet, which was already on a certain naughty boys mycam page. Jace's to be exact. "..So did i ever tell you I have a twin brother wh-" "Bull.shit.diaper boy." Simon said and then pressed play on a video.

the video came to life and there was jace, at a playground. it was late at night and he was wearing a trench coat but was smiling into the camera. "Sup my peeps? this is your boy Stinky J and thanks to a generous cash gift from daddy V, yours truly is about to go and take a epic dump in his huggies, and go and play. remember, if you got the money and have a idea, PM me and you can see my cute twink ass doing all sorts of degrading things. don't forget to like and comment." Jace said, dropping the tench coat and revealing that he was only in a paw patrol pull up under the jacket. Turning around and slapping his butt, the blond demon slayer poped a squat and audible grunting could be heard and then with a MASSIVELY loud fart and a sign of relief the the back of the pull up expanded rapidly, puffing out and discoloring as Jace coo'ed in content. "Mannn that feels better.. though whew..y'all should be thankfully you can't smell this!" the blond brat teased, waving a hand and then waddled slowly (clearly making a effort not to let his hot load spill out of the poor pull up) towards the slide. "heh, what do you think folks? time to slip sliding? ..yeah thats what i thought too~" climbing up the ladder it was hard to make out his face from the distance he was at and then the big stinky baby plopped down on his butt (a oh fuck! and gasping heard) and then the big baby was sliding down the slide and-

Grabbing the tablet Jace turned the video off and was beet red, looking down at the table. "...Ok what do you want?" Jace asked. "What i want,for starters, is for you to stop using the money I send you to get stupid pull-ups when i clearly state diapers." Simon said and smirked as Jace looked up at him in confusion, the realization. "Y-Your daddyv!" "Ding ding ding! thats right, you've been a poopie pull up baby brat for a vampire the past three months. i wonder just how much trouble you'll be in when your little clubhouse finds out not only are you a diaper pooping big baby. but a vampires bitch too~" Jace whimpered, it was going to be humiliating enough if anyone else found out about his naughty way to make extra money. add in he was doing it for vamp.. this was NOT going to be good. "L-Look..I already spent the money if you want it back an-" Jace started and Simon cut him off with a sharp laugh. "what makes you think I need your money? I've been the one spoiling you remember dip shit?" Simon snorted. Jace huffed and actually started to pout a little at that. "awww look at it this way..at least I'm not a mundane anymore. that would make what I'm gonna make you do to shut me up even more humiliating for you." Simon added cheerfully. "...should I be worried?" jace asked with a gulp. "terrified." Simon confirmed with a shit eating grin.

half a hour later and there were at a old warehouse that was boarded up on the outside but Simon flew himself and jace in though a window where.. a makeshift nursery was set up among the ruins. "...this is going to suck even more then i thought huh?" jace asked faintly. "well if nothing else, you're more then free to use this for your videos." Simon snickered and then winked. "maybe I'll even be your camera man too." "pretty sure i'ma stop doing the videos after this." jace huffed. "You say that now.." was all Simon would say on the matter, leaving jace even more worried. "now then, who's ready to be put back in a good diaper for a change, not a pull up that'll leak the second you putt too much pressure on it?" Simon asked, going over to by the changing table he had set up in the ruins and grabbing out a stupidly thick and massive diaper that instead of the normal designs one would expect on it.. had diaper fag in baby block letters all over it. "..That has to be a custom job." jace whined and pointed. "No shit Sherlock." Simon chuckled. "Clearly you are the brains of your outfit." "you don't have to be a jerk you know." jace whined, starting to tug his jeans and undies down and Simon laughed again, "really? YOU of all people giving someone hell for being rude?" Jace paused and gave a sheepish smile. "well when you put it like that.., god.. am I even gonna be able to WALK in that thing?" Jace asked, naked from the waist down and shaved bald down there. "Fuck no. but you'll be able to crawl and get on your knees, which is what i want." Simon said and smirked, showing off his fangs. "...I'm gonna be sucking your dick aren't I?" "Awww who's a clever little baby? you are!" "look i uh.. I don't know if-" "oh don't try and tell me you haven't been slurping on Alec's dick like a greedy cock slut for the past year. just about everyone knows you're his cum dumpster." "W-what!? I am not!" jace squeaked and had a full body blush going on as Simon walked over and swatted his cute cheeks, leaving the shadow hunters buns slightly red. "ah ah ah..No lying." "I-I really don't suck Alec off..he uh.." jace's voice trailed off and looking down at the ground, and poking too fingers together, he finished in a tiny voice. "I..I pay him to fuck me.." "oh? don't you think he'd do it if you asked nicely?" "I..uh.. he said he would for free but I uh..asked if i could.." jace trailed off again as Simon started to laugh. "oh my god, your a total bottom bitch! begging to pay for the privilege of getting that cock.. you know i thought you were just shitting yourself in diapers rto buy booze or whatever.. not degrading yourself in public so you can get that dick!" Simon laughed. "Does alec at least give you a cum dumpster discount?" "D-Depends on his mood...c-can i get put the diaper on and suck you off already and get this over with!?" Jace whined and huffed. "...awfully demanding for a diaper shitting butt slut aren't you? you know..i was gonna make you shit yourself before sucking me off.." "...i'm not going to like where this is heading am I?" "Normally i'd say no..but with what a fucking bottom bitch you are you'll likely be creaming your huggies." Simon said.

the alternative to Jace loading his pampers was worse then he had thought, and after getting onto the opened diaper fag diaper, he'd had to watch as Simon gave himself a mild enema. "you know your fucking disgusting right?" jace whined, on the verge of tears as Simon pulled the tub out of his ass and walked over. "right. i'm gonna listen to someone who bounces up and down in shitty diapers for money to get fucked into submission on whats normal and whats not. though don't think i didn't notice all those silver scars on your ass.. does alec just wreak your hole so much you have to heal or need diapies full time?" Simon asked, squatting over Jace's cock and balls now. "Oh my god will you just shut up and do it already so i can suck your stupid dick and get out of here!?" Jace yelled. "alll right, but you know you just ASKED me to shit on you right?" "All of my fucking hate." "love you too." Simon grunted and as jace looked, tears welling up in his eyes, a thick brown log snaked out of Simon's ass and as the tip of it touched Jace's cock, his cock started to go limp and the tears were flowing. "S-Simon please! stop! I do-" he started to sob and simon just smirked. "Shut up diaper baby. it's going in your diaper or down your throat." Simon said and jace just blubbered. the hot shit coiled around his crotch before it broke off and the smell was horrible, making jace hold his nose. "Awww whats wrong, the stinky baby can't take a REAL MAN'S funk?" Simon teased and bore down, pushing out anther thick log and shifting slightly, making sure this would coat the baby fags balls. the third and forth logs didn't go on baby jac'es cock and balls though, it went right into the diaper so it was squish all over the big babies back side and jace had to give up holding his nose as he needed to suck his thumb and close his eyes to keep from just getting up and trying to bolt. "awww, such a sad widdle diaper boy~ don't worry buddy, Daddy Simon is almost done getting your diapie nice and stinky for you, then you can have a cock baba." simon teased. jace just whimpered. finishing up with his smelly load, Simon grabbed jace's boxers and used them to wipe his ass, giving jace a look that dared him to open his mouth to complain then tossed them in a diaper pail and stepped clear of the dumb baby fag. leaning down simon made a face and waved a hand, then grinned to jace. "whew! no more tacos for me! thats rotten huh buddy?" simon teased and the dumb baby just sucked on his thumb and nodded, then whined loudly as the diaper was taped up. helping jace roll onto his tummy and then get up on his hands and knees, Simon then patted and rubbed the back of the loaded diaper, making baby Jace whimper even more but any and all fight was clearly out of the former big shot. "D-Daddy pwease..cock baba." the stupid little diaper wimp whined. "Awww you wanna show daddy how grateful you are he 's letting you see how it feels to wear real man shit huh?" Simon teased. Knowing what the sadistic vampire wanted him to say, jace whined, then nodded. "yesh daddy. pwease wet stinky jace suck your dicky to say fank ku." he whined and despite how much he hated the load in his diaper, hated simon, hated all of this., jace was getting wood. 'whats wrong with me!?'

Simon took a seat far enough away that jace's knees got a little scraped up crawling over, and the crawling he was forced to do only squished the mess around even more but then he was on his knees and looking at Simon's 6 inchs of fuck meat. it wasn't as big as Alec's (hell, Jaces was sure there were horses who weren't as hung as Alec) but the fact that he was going to suck anther mans dick while wearing his shit just had the poor bottom bitch in total sub mode and he leaned forward and planted a big sloppy kiss on the cock head as Simon moaned. Opening his mouth he took the vamp cock in slowly, worried about gagging till the whole thing was in his mouth, going down his touge and he had a nose full of musky pubes. the taste..wasn't so bad as as jace pulled his head back, trailing his touge and making Simon moan he almost, maybe kinda, found himself loving the taste. Pushing back down a little more eagerly the blond bitch started to bob his head up and down the fuck meat with eagerness and Simon reached down and ruffled jace's hair. "Fuck..fuck..good boy Jace. I knew you'd love this.. just a little fucking diaper fag.. Fuck..I'm gonna have you in diapers 24/7..just a total fucking diaper bitch for my amusement." Simon was groaning and jace in his horned up state moaned around the vamp cock. "Fucking knew you'd like that..Not gonna out you to your widdle friends but you're gonna be my little diaper bitch from now on..Mine. and you're not healing your ass next time Alec breeds you either..i want you helplessly shitting yourself while hunting demons." Simon was panting now, regretting the fact that he had edged all day to the thought of what he was going to do to jace and knew he couldn't last too much longer. "Gonna fucking dress you like a toddler and take you to the park in the day. let all the kids see you in your t-thick massive diapers..L-let them spank you.." Simon added and then noticed that jace was reaching back, mushing the mess around in his poofy diaper while worshiping his new daddies cock. "Ha! knew you'd love my shit! Get ready baby boy, time for you first of MANY loads of daddy milk!" jace pulled back and with just the cock head in his mouth, reached around jerked Simon's cock hard. he didn't know why but he felt like he NEEDED to taste full on all of the vampire boys load and wasn't disappointed as Simon's cock erupted all over his touge, filling his taste buds with the taste of real man cum. as the last few ropes of nut juice fired off, causing some to start to leak out of Jace's nose, the stupid big baby came hard in his poopie diaper and collapsed, whimpering and moaning. Simon smirked and after making sure that jace was fully out, turned his attention over to a corner of the room, where a webcam was set up. "well everyone, thanks for watching! hope you all enjoyed seeing me use this shadow slayer as a diaper bitch cum dumpster and don't forget to like the video and comment on other things you wanna see me do to him. this is daddy v signing off." he said. After all, why should Jace be the only one to make a little cash on the side?

the end..for now.

OKAY SO . . .

I was left alone while Dad was dealing with the family and shit. The camper were in has a toilet but I hate it bc it's so cramped and it's askew?? My ass had to shit so I had to get ALL the courage to go walk a couple houses down and across the street to use a gas station bathroom [nd I did it!! It was terrifying going somewhere alone;;] my "room" smells like cat litter and it's very small and the rest of the camper smells like a stinky old dog. My "bed" is also above the water pump so anytime dad uses the bathroom or sink it makes this hella loud noise like AAAGGGHHUGGGGGHHHH so ye sleeping sucks but that's the reality babey

I ended up spending a lot of time with the wife and toddler. Wife is very awkward but kinda nice, doesn't ask a whole lotta questions, had a rough life. She's like 31 and the dude she's with is in his 50s and he's such a dink named Dale, I hate him and think she could do hella better but I think she's got shit self esteem, shes also extremely religious and became a hardcore Trump supporter after she married him so.. h..?? Anyway she was VERY SURPRISED when baby loved me and instantly bonded with me, baby is hella fun all she wants to do is play and I swing her around and feed her and her mom starts saying I would be a great mom and I should marry an older man like she did. She asked what kinda boys I'm into nd when I said greasy goth boys she looked SO DISAPPOINTED and told me older men are the way to go;; SO everything was fine until she was starting to make dinner then she started stressing the fuck out and saying shit like "Dale is gonna be so mad that it isn't ready when he comes come from work" and she's like hella pregnant and she also has to clean the cat box bc he doesn't wanna do it but?? I thought pregnant people weren't allowed to do that?? But fuck that he's a man he can't possibly clean a litter box

Anything I say the wife always goes "I was there once too but then I found god, married a nice older man and I'm a mom, things are great. U should do it too :)" like ew girl no.. I may hate myself, but I don't hate myself THAT much! She's also not on board with me cutting my hair and wants me to be ~girl~. SHE WAS ALSO TELLIN ME THAT SHE DOESNT SUPPORT THE LEFT AT ALL AND DOESNT BELIEVE IN THINFS LIKE FREE HEALTHCARE OR HANDOUTS EVEN THO SHES POOR AS HELL!! THEY DONT EVEN HAVE GOOD WALLS U CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE?? THERES NO REAL KITCHEN??? NO INSULATION??? BABY ROOM DOESNT EVEN HAVE ANY DAMN WALLS???? GIRL U NEED THOSE HANDOUTS UR LIVING IN SHIT!! U NEED A DENTIST GIRL UR GUMS!!! U ALSO LIVE UP NORTH WHY ARE U ACTING LIKE A SOUTHERN HICK;;; ALSO THEYRE SUPER RACIST AND SEXIST IM JUS???? THEYRE LIVIING LIKE ITS THE 50S;;;;; AND THEYRE SO HATEFUL TO OTHER RACES/SEXUALITIES BUT THEYRE CHRISTIANS??? WHICH ARE SUPPOSE TO FOLLOW CHRIST AND BE KIND LIKE???? H E L L O?????? THEYRE LIKE THE SUPER KIND OF RELIGIOUS TOO WHERE U WEAR JEAN SKIRTS;;; THEYLL SAY JESUS IS LOVE ND W/E AND THEN PROCEED TO SAY RLY BAD SWEARS IN FRONT OF THEIR 1 YEAR OLD FDMNSBHJFSD;;;;

They don't get along with their neighbors, idk why they just don't. Neighbors blast music for the whole neighborhood to hear, they have a million dogs and pigs, I guess theres a gay kid bc husband is VERY VOCAL about how much he hates that "f*ggot" nd I jus;;;; I feel for that kid like Jesus Christ...

So that night it's me, dad, wife husband baby, and husband's foster son and his wife (they're like pushing 40). We're eating and this emo teen boy comes over and dumps out a vacuum in the Dale's backyard and he's PISSED!! Everyones yelling at the kid and Dale goes out to scream at the kid and he calls him the F slur multiple times and the kid says he's gonna call the sheriff bc he's doing a hatecrime and he's all "ITS NOT A HATECRIME ITS WHAT U ARE U F*GGOT" AND EVERYONRS AGREEING WITH HIM BUT ME AND MY DAD WERE JUS SITTIN THERE DYIN;; HE LITERALLY WENT OUT WITH HIS HAND ON HIS GUN LIKE DUDE CMON THE KIDS LIKE 16;;; WHATRE U DOIN;;; THATS A KID DALE WHAT THE FUCK MAN??? So the kids parents came over and started threatening to call the cops and Dale was like "fuck u I didn't do nothing wrong, sit on it and rotate! At least I can own a gun unlike u, u dumb felon bitch!!" Hhfhh??? Extremely embarrassing, I hate that theyre using such nasty language in front of a 1 year old and that they're so intolerant and trashy ouuffff

Next day the wife apologizes for Dale's actions but she's like "I can't fucking stand f*ggots, they're all so disgusting. And tr*nnies too like? they're just ruining their perfect bodies, can you believe that?" And it's taking everything in me to not be like "girl I'm not straight, cis, religious, OR a trump supporter.."

888.

5k Survey XV

701. What is your favorite mixed drink? >> Sazerac, Dark and Stormy, Bloody María, and probably some others that I’m forgetting just because I haven’t had the opportunity to make or order a mixed drink in ages. 702. When answering these questions are you often pulled in different directions, as if committing to one answer eliminates the possibility for all others? >> I feel like I only partially understand what you mean. Not well enough to answer this question. 703. Chicken Marsala, Pasta Primavera, Veal Cutlet Parmesan or Linguini with Clam Sauce? >> No thanks. 704. If you were alone in your friend’s house/room/apartment would you look in their drawers and notebooks? >> Probably not. 705. What would you really like to do but you don’t because you are afraid of getting caught? >> I can’t think of anything right now.

706. Of the following, which word best describes you: responsible, spontaneous, tactful, uninhibited: >> I guess the one most likely to describe me on a given day is “responsible”. 707. Which band would you most likely check out? - The Smiths (indi-pop 80’s-90’s), The Lords of Acid (acid/house/dance 90’s), Front 242 (80’s-90’s industrial/dance) >> I kind of like The Smiths (I like solo Morrissey more). I’ve listened to a bit of Front 242 back in the day, and I remember Lords of Acid but I’m not interested in listening to them right now. 708. How can one put an end to procrastination, as a bad habit? >> I think that would depend on why someone is procrastinating, because finding the root of the habit is the first step in figuring out what to do about it. Trying to blunt-force treat procrastination itself generally doesn’t work out well for most people (or, at best, works temporarily but at great stress to the person). 709. What feature would you want on your car that is not currently offered? >> --- 710. What kind of poetry speaks to you? >> The kind I can comprehend. 711. What is your favorite store that is open 24 hours? >> I don’t have a favourite store, let alone one with that specific criterion. 712. Do you find that sleep is just so much sleepier when you are supposed to be doing something else? >> I don’t find myself in that situation often enough to say. 713. Do you also find that the books you chose are so much more luscious when you have a stack of actual assignments that you Should be reading? >> --- 714. If you have had the chance to compare the original 5000 Question Survey to this edited version, what is your opinion? >> I haven’t had the chance to do that. 715. What’s the most creative answer you can think of for ‘what is black and white and red all over’? >> I don’t have a particularly creative answer to it. I’ve always heard “a newspaper” as the answer to this riddle. 716. Why do people slow down on the highway when they pass a cop car pulling someone else over? >> Either to rubberneck or out of sudden awareness of their own speeding. 717. Are they afraid that the cop will STOP pulling over whoever he is pulling over and pull them over instead? >> I mean, maybe. I don’t know, I’ve never been in this situation so I can’t imagine what it’s like. 718. It’s daddy’s birthday. What do you get him? >> --- 719. What’s your 5,000 question survey nickname? Look at the word next to the 2nd letter of your first name A anything but B bubalicious C captivating D deadly E erotic F funky G greasy H heaps of I indie J jelly K kinetic L lasher M Mr. (or Mrs.) N neglected O ogre-like P parading Q quacking R Rico S stinky T the one and only U uber V Velcro W wishing for X x-tra Y yearning for Z zoobalee Now take the first letter of your last name. A aardvarks B baboo C creme pie D drag queen E eggbert F flex G god H hell I Isabelle J juice K kisses L lightning M mannish boys N nice O octopi P porcupines Q q-bert R rainbows S suave T tushy U underwear V valor W weenie X xtc Y yohimbe Z zipper Put the two words together for your nickname. >> Ogre-like drag queen. 720. You know that shaky feeling that you get when it’s all coming to a climax, and everyone involved is breaking into the good kind of cold sweat, working as individuals and at the same time as a single force of energy, and it all meshes together, and for a brief moment, you’re holding your breath and tingling all over, and after it’s done you’re on an explosive and dizzying high for the rest of the night? What does that feeling come from? >> *withering stare* 721. How many of your teachers can you imagine drinking or doing drugs on the weekends? >> --- 722. Do you like Alice in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass? >> I haven’t read either one. 723. Write a question and answer it here. >> No. 724. Who is your favorite playwright? >> I don’t have one. 725. What movie has come out recently that you couldn’t have less interest in? >> I don’t know what’s come out recently. There’s been a few movies that have been released to on-demand, I think, but I don’t think I’ve seen any of them. And I certainly don’t remember what they are right now. 726. What would the worst movie ever be about? >> --- 727. Do you like truffles? >> I like some things with truffles in them, or truffle oil, or whatever. Do you like Turkish delight? >> I don’t know. 728. Can you tell the difference between a transvestite and a real woman? >> I don’t go around trying to clock trans people. Period. 729. What’s funnier, plants or fire extinguishers? >> What. 730. For question 720 did you write down sex? >> I was pretty sure that’s how I was expected to answer, and I didn’t feel like playing along. You pervert, I was thinking of musical theater. >> Yeah, I was also pretty sure that I was expected to think of sex and it would turn out that you were describing something completely different. I’ve encountered this situation before, lol. 731. Which is better, leopard print or plaid? >> Plaid. 732. What would you consider ordinary? >> *shrug*  733. What is out of the ordinary? >> *extraordinary shrug* 734. Do you ever watch COPS? >> No. 735. Is there always room for j - e - l - l - o? >> Sigh. 736. If you had your own TV show, what kind of show would you make it? >> I don’t want a tv show, though. 737. Do you know how heavy things like airplanes stay in the air? >> I don’t know how it works offhand, no. I could always look it up if I needed that information. 738. When do you act the most dramatic? >> I’m not sure. 739. Are you one of those people who have, “see photo id,” written on the back of their credit cards? >> No, but Sparrow is. I don’t think I did anything to my card, actually -- didn’t sign it, didn’t write anything. 740. It’s mom’s birthday. What do you get her? >> --- 741. What celebrity has pretty much disappeared leaving you wondering 'where are they now’? >> I haven’t wondered that about anyone. 742. Would you get angry if you and your girl/boyfriend saw the preview for a movie and talked about seeing it together and then they saw it with one of their friends while you were busy? >> No. I would be disappointed and feel a bit betrayed if they had expressed interest in seeing it with me beforehand and then seemingly just... changed their mind without even telling me. Sad, but not angry. I’d definitely ask them about it afterwards, to find out what their thought process was.

743. How many people do you think will finish this whooooooole survey? >> Might just be me and Elizabeth (Elisabeth?). I’m not even sure I finished it any of the other times I tried to take it. I might have, but it would have been a long fuckin time ago. 744. Have you ever written a message, sealed it in a bottle and thrown it into a river/lake ocean? >> No. That’s just littering at this point. 745. If you haven’t would you want to? >> ^ 746. If you ever did what would you write? >> --- 747. What do you wish you could always be protected from? >> Abuse and alienation. Little too late for that, though. 748. What small thing annoys you so much it should be a crime? >> Loudness should be a fucking crime. I don’t even care anymore. 749. Would you rather watch a video of fish in a tank, or the Yule log on TV? >> I like the Yule log, it’s pretty. 750. Is it better to be loved or feared? >> I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had much of either.

The Three Goats

”Okay, so, once upon a time there were three goats, and they were going to… uh… their favourite udon joint, so they could grow fat.”

”What did they look like?!”

”Oh, you know, there was the tiny one, very cute and with spiky hair, and there was the middle one who had blond bangs, and then there was the big goat who had-”

”No horns!” a first little voice squeaked up.

”No hair!” A second added. ”Bald goat!”

”Hey! I’ll have you know the big goat had very impressive horns! The middle goat was in awe of them! Isn’t that right Genos? Back me up here!”

”It’s not the size of the horns, Sensei, it’s how you use them.”

With an indignated huff the storyteller crossed his arms and went quiet, until his listeners begged him to please continue the story. Nine pairs of pierced ears listened eagerly, sitting in a range of poses that varied from rigid seiza to sprawled out in a manner near identical to the storyteller himself.

”Okay, so, the three goats were going to get udon, but they had to cross a bridge over this river first, but they couldn’t, because-”

”Couldn’t they jump over the water?”

”No, the river was too wide. They weren’t super goats, they-”

”Could they swim?”

”No, the water was too wild-”

”Call doctor Kuseno! Send a drone!”

”No, listen, alright? They had to walk over the bridge, but there was a scary troll that lived there, right? It looked like… uh…”

”If I may, Sensei?”

”Sure?”

”The troll had greasy black hair, and dressed in purple and sequins, and it had the most disturbing smile anyone had ever seen.”

”Oooh,” eight little voices said in unison, spellbound by this latest development.

”Okay,” Saitama continued. ”So first the littlest goat went on the bridge, and it went trip-trap, trip-trap, until the sequin troll stopped it. ’Who’s there, tripping on my bridge?!’ the troll said, and the little goat said, ’it’s just me, the itty bitty goat!’”

”Incinerate the troll!”

”No, Pow - and no demonstrations, stop that! - he said ’hey dude, don’t eat me, take the middle goat instead, I’m so stringy’ and the troll said ’alright, fine’ and the little goat crossed the bridge.”

”Then it was the Genos-goat’s turn!”

”Right, so the middle goat stepped on the bridge, going trip-trap again, and the troll shouted, ’who’s that, stomping all over my bridge huh?!”

”I too will incinerate you, you useless scum,” Genos snarled.

”No! Goats don’t incinerate trolls!” Saitama replied. ”He said ’don’t eat me either, you big ol’ troll, just wait for the biggest goat, he’s super tender!’ and the troll let him go, as well.”

”It was goat-sensei’s turn now!”

”Right, yes. So the biiig goat stepped onto the bridge, and he was so big and heavy, the whole bridge creaked under his weight. And the troll was like ’who’s that, making all that ruckus?’ And the goat was just like ’it’s me, the big goat, you got a problem with that?’”

”Scary…” one little robot whispered, climbing onto Genos’ lap, hiding its face behind little metal hands.

”Hey, it’s okay, don’t worry! So the troll said ’Imma eat you!’ and the goat was just like ’come at me bro, I got these kickass horns and I ain’t scared of you!”

The frightened robot carefully peeked between stubby fingers as the other seven cheered their storyteller on.

”And then what happened, Sensei?”

”Then the troll came onto the bridge, and he was super mad, and-”

”Sensei, if I may help paint the picture?”

”Knock yourself out, dude.”

Genos cleared his throat before speaking up, his voice clear and loud throughout the apartment - he was made for storytelling, Saitama thought to himself, as he listened to him.

”The troll clambered onto the rickety bridge, clumsy despite his supposed skills in ninjutsu. His hair was cropped short and standing on end after a previous encounter with a cyb- a goat, and his clothes were far too tight on him, looking ridiculous. He was sporting his unnerving smile, showing far too many teeth, but for all that, the big goat felt not an ounce of fear in himself, sure-footed, standing tall, muscles bulging under surprisingly short yet well-groomed fur, his eyes showing their rare serious side-”

”Okay, I think that’s enough… So the troll ran straight at the goat (and upon hearing this, the frightened minibot burrowed itself as deep as it could into Genos’ hoodie pocket, receiving gentle pats to help it calm down) and the goat just - POW!” He curled his hands into fists and punched the air before him, just hard enough to ruffle the hair of the collection of blond heads in the room.

”One punch!” seven bots shouted in unison, clapping their hands excitedly.

”He headbutted that stinky old troll, right into the river, where it… floated off, I guess? Found someone else to bother, maybe. But the big goat crossed the bridge and joined up the others and they found the udon place and ate all the noodles they could.”

”The Genos-goat ate the most,” one bot assured the others, speaking from experience.

”Yeah, he would,” Saitama agreed.

”Troll gone?” the scared bot asked, peeling out through the hoodie pocket.

”Yup, all the goats were safe, now.”

”Yay!” all the bots cheered in unison. ”Goat-sensei is the best!”

”He sure is,” Genos agreed. ”Shall we get udon for dinner today?”

”Sure, why not. Maybe we’ll run into the troll, haha.”

All eight bots looked hopeful, at that. ”We’ll kick his butt!”

-

Sonic did not often run into those eight little robo-brats, and when he did, they were always closely guarded by that robo-hen mother of theirs, so he didn’t usually even get close to them.

It’s not surprising in the least that those little robots have been indoctrinated by Demon Dork’s own dumb ideas, of course, but still, he does sometimes still wonder about that one time, when all he wanted was to get some god damned dinner only to suddenly be met by eight tiny robots shrieking ”troll! Troll!” at him and attempting to headbutt him into next Wednesday.

If anyone is a troll here, surely it’s Genos himself, spamming about Saitama on the HA forums?!

Those guys are, without any sort of doubt, the downright weirdest family he’s ever met.

(Based on this fairy tale)