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munchmemes · 10 months

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hozier lyrics, hozier (expanded edition)

❛ i should've worshipped them sooner. ❜

❛ we were born sick. ❜

❛ the only heaven i'll be sent to is when i'm alone with you. ❜

❛ i'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies. ❜

❛ good god, let me give you my life. ❜

❛ there is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin. ❜

❛ it's toying somewhere between love and abuse. ❜

❛ no more alone or myself i could be. ❜

❛ [i/you] lurched like a stray to the arms that were open. ❜

❛ i lay my heart down with the rest at [your/their] feet. ❜

❛ i wonder if it's better now having survived. ❜

❛ i'm so tired trying to see from behind the red in my eyes. ❜

❛ no better version of me i could pretend to be tonight. ❜

❛ [they/you] found me just in time. ❜

❛ cause with my mid-youth crisis all said and done, i need to be youthfully felt cause i never felt young. ❜

❛ it'd be great to find a place we could escape sometimes. ❜

❛ we tried the world and it wasn't for us. ❜

❛ you knew who i was with every step that i ran to you. ❜

❛ would things be easier if there was a right way? ❜

❛ honey, there is no right way. ❜

❛ i fall in love just a little bit every day with someone new. ❜

❛ there's an art to life's distractions. ❜

❛ love with every stranger, the stranger the better. ❜

❛ all i've ever done is hide. ❜

❛ when you kill the lights and kiss my eyes, i feel ike a person for a moment of my life. ❜

❛ but you don't know what the hell you put me through. ❜

❛ it feels good to be alone with you. ❜

❛ there are questions i can't ask. ❜

❛ now, at last, the worst is over. ❜

❛ i know that you hate this place. ❜

❛ there's something tragic about you, something so magic about you, don't you agree? ❜

❛ there's something lonesome about you, something so wholesome about you. ❜

❛ innocence died screaming. ask me, i should know. ❜

❛ there's something broken about this but i might be hoping about this. ❜

❛ we'll lay here for years or for hours, your hand in my hand. so still and discreet. ❜

❛ i'd be home with you. ❜

❛ any way to distract and sedate. ❜

❛ i'm somewhere outside my life. i keep scratching but somehow i can't get in. ❜

❛ don't you stand there watching me, won't you? ❜

❛ don't you join in, you're supposed to drag me away from it. ❜

❛ i'm so full of love, i could barely eat. ❜

❛ [they/you] are sweet as can be. [they/you] give me toothaches just from kissing me. ❜

❛ no grave can hold my body down, i'll crawl home to [them/you]. ❜

❛ you never asked me once about the wrong i did. ❜

❛ [you/they] would never fret none about what my hands and my body done. ❜

❛ if the lord don't forgive me, i'd still have you and you would have me. ❜

❛ why were you digging? what did you bury? ❜

❛ i will not ask you where you came from. i will not ask and neither should you. ❜

❛ just put your sweet lips on my lips. we should just kiss like real people do. ❜

❛ i know that look, eyes always seeking. ❜

❛ i will not ask you why you were creeping. in some sad way, i already know. ❜

❛ you know better than to smile at me like that. ❜

❛ i know who i am when i'm alone. ❜

❛ you don't understand. you should never know how easy you are to need. ❜

❛ don't let me in with no intention to keep me. ❜

❛ it can't be unlearned. i've known the warmth of your doorways. ❜

❛ i'll find my way back to you. ❜

❛ my heart is heavy with the hate of some other man's beliefs. ❜

❛ screaming the name of a foreigner's good is the purest expression of grief. ❜

❛ i feel no control of my body. i feel no safety in [your/their] arms. ❜

❛ all that i've been taught and every word i've got is foreign to me. ❜

❛ it looks ugly but it's clean. ❜

❛ your fight and fury is fiery. ❜

❛ it's worth it, it's divine. i have this some of the time. ❜

❛ you called my name til the fever broke. ❜

❛ i heard a scream in the woods somewhere. ❜

❛ i turned and ran to save a life i didn't have. ❜

❛ i need you to run to me. run to me! ❜

❛ when i was a child, i heard voices. some would sing and some would scream. ❜

❛ don't you ever tame your demons but always keep them on a leash. ❜

❛ you've done me wrong for a long, long time. ❜

❛ after all you've done, i never changed my mind. ❜

❛ please, try to love me. ❜

❛ my love will never die. ❜

#lyrics rp starters #lyrics starters #lyrics rp meme #lyrics meme #sentence starters #rp starters #rp meme #roleplay meme

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highpriestessarchives · 3 months

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Know Thyself: How This One Exercise Shaped My Writing

“Know Thyself” Interpretations

Heraclitus: “It belongs to all men to know themselves and think well.”

Charles H. Kahn: this fragment echoes a traditional belief that “know thyself" had an essentially similar meaning to the second Delphic maxim, “nothing too much;” both sayings might be considered alternative ways of describing the virtue of sophrosyne.

Heraclitus defines sophrosyne as the art of “perceiving things according to their nature,” apparently referring to the perception of objective, material facts. If so, and if self-knowledge is the same as sophrosyne, then, as Kahn writes, “the deepest structure of the self will be recognized as co-extensive with the universe in general … so true self-knowledge will coincide with knowledge of the cosmic order.”

A fragment from Ion of Chios provides the earliest explicit reference to the maxim. It reads: “This ‘know yourself’ is a saying not so big, but such a task Zeus alone of the gods understands.”

“The unexamined life is not worth living” -Socrates

Soliloquies of Augustine: The book has the form of an “inner dialogue" in which questions are posed, discussions take place and answers are provided, leading to self-knowledge. The first book begins with an inner dialogue which seeks to know a soul. In the second book it becomes clear that the soul Augustine wants to get to know is his own.

The Consolation of Philosophy: Boethius writes The Consolation of Philosophy as a conversation between himself and a female personification of philosophy, referred to as “Lady Philosophy.” Philosophy consoles Boethius by discussing the transitory nature of wealth, fame, and power (“no man can ever truly be secure until he has been forsaken by Fortune"), and the ultimate superiority of things of the mind, which she calls the “one true good.” She contends that happiness comes from within, and that virtue is all that one truly has because it is not imperiled by the vicissitudes of fortune.

Meditations: Marcus Aurelius likely didn’t intend for Meditations to be published, as the work centered around his own self-analysis and self-guidance. Aurelius advocates finding one's place in the universe and sees that everything came from nature, and so everything shall return to it in due time. Another strong theme is of maintaining focus and to be without distraction all the while maintaining strong ethical principles such as “Being a good man.”

...to think that all of these classic works are “regular” people figuring themselves out. I decided to do the same.

Writing My Own “Soliloquy”

I’d like to clarify that I, in no way shape or form, see myself as this great thinker or philosopher or anything like that. I recognize that this practice is but one way to understand myself, especially since I struggle with mental health and a lot of spiritual questions (but that’s another topic).

In choosing to write my own soliloquy, I am becoming my own Devil’s Advocate. Like Boethius, I’ve decided to structure my journaling as if I am arguing with someone. I will choose a topic that I am passionate about or that I am having my own crisis over, such as “Why do I not believe I am a good person?” or “Why do I prefer logic over emotion?” or even “What draws me to classical paintings?”

What I found is that anything and everything that I am attached to says something about me on a deeper level.

Here is where it gets a little tricky: in continuing to argue with myself, I’ve found that I get better at coming up with counter points. In other words, this self-analysis becomes more and more complex the more used to it you get. It’s almost like you’re playing some mind chess and this fictional opponent, who is also you, as they are but your own Devil’s Advocate, is also getting better and learning with you.

But, to me, that is what makes this “Know Thyself” maxim important. You are not meant to have a full-fledged answer. We are constantly evolving and changing, as will our knowledge of how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive the world in response to it.

How It Affects My Writing

To start with the obvious, the character development and creation changes so much when you get to know yourself. At least, for me, the world becomes less and less black and white (not that it ever was black and white to begin with). Because of that, my characters become more dimensional.

I am no longer afraid to write controversy. There is a... debate, for a lack of better words, on the media literacy rate nowadays. Because of this, I would fear that, just because I wrote about it, people would assume that I am in support of it; or, for example, just because there is a mainstream focus on one demographic, that nuances of that focus cannot be written about (again, another topic).

However, writing my soliloquies reminds me that my work is meant to be a message from myself to the audience first and entertainment second.

As artists, authors, creators, etc., there is a danger in losing ourselves to appease the masses. There is the question of whether we should create what we want or stick to what is trending, and I’m not immune to that spiral, either.

In knowing yourself, you become your #1 advocate. You know what your boundaries are, what your morals are, and what your values are. It gets harder to allow those who don’t do that same work to sway your pen.

Closing Words

Whatever form that takes, get to know yourself. For me, that’s journaling whenever I can as if I’m debating with someone. Grab a journal meant specifically for this exercise and go crazy! No one’s going to read it (unless you become someone like Marcus Aurelius and your own version of Meditations comes out. In which case... sorry?)

Never stop challenging the way you think, too. It can be uncomfortable and hard, but change always is. Perhaps you will stick to your ideals, and that’s okay, too! Do not live life on the easy path.

As always, these exercises are not a substitute for professional or medical help. I will always encourage those who need it to seek therapy, as I believe it is a great tool to use alongside this exercise, should one feel inclined to do so.

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sinligh · 11 months

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I’m my mother’s favorite child; I’m full of sacrifices.

Hers and mine, and so many women before us Substituting security and affection with systematized delusions.

I'm falling down the rabbit hole, not because of curiosity, nor distraction. But because of something akin to reality call.

All the rage that belonged to my ancestors before me, spilt ink that I spend my days crying over

And i wonder if I’m the one dragging it along with me, or is it the emotion that keeps weighing me down.

I was raised to be paranoid mother said that will protect me when she’s not around..

Now, I’m just my mother’s child and I only know how to define versions of myself through her.

Always free, never enough.

A mother lullaby can blend into her child's bones, my mother used to lull me to sleep by humming

"I love you madly, enough to embrace you in my eyes and see the world through you as I cover you with my eyelids"

I’m my mother’s daughter, a wound that refuses to heal.

I poke at it every time I question how can i convince someone who spends days and nights writing and rewriting my future that i grew up to be blind to all that is prewritten ?

That l'm building a pathway for a little life In the shadows of dreams that are out of my reach

That silk sutures hold my organs in place and lies dressed in white sew me dreams that my brain didn't dare to conjure.

That i learned to dilute the amount of love I have for everyone in my life. I don't understand the whys and hows of it but I know that I'm at the stage of life where I don't love without guarding myself.

And I refuse to be punished for feeling anymore, even if it meant I'II only ever know rage.

Meaningless and absolute.

I lose my details as i go. Leaving tracks of my soul behind me.

I shed pieces that i don't know how to define, like a snake does its skin. The only difference is that a lot of my potential lay there underneath it.

I think i overlooked discipline in my journey to search for wildness and inspiration,

and it seems like the only consistent in my life is my desire to change.

I know empathy the way I know my father. Should be present; but isn't. And I'll never be my mother, doesn't matter how much of herself she sees in me.

•••

•Quotes:Elana Dykewomon/ Chelsea g. summers/Azra.T/Robert Goolrick/hayan charara/Hannah Green/Sylvia Plath/ Fariha Róisín

•original context: Sinligh

•Art reference:

1. Winged Goddesses. Psyche II - Nudes & Butterflies By Carsten Witte. 2.Winged Goddesses. Psyche Il - Nudes & Butterflies By Carsten Witte. 3.Winged Goddesses. Psyche Il - Nudes & Butterflies By Carsten Witte. 4. 2. Metamorphosis 2 by Giovanni Gestel. 5. My Crisis are Blessing by Andrea Galad. 6. Papillon |I" or "Woman in Wings", by Louis Icart. 7.Art by Will Kim. 8. Art by James Jean.

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pleaseholdfor5hours · 25 days

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Random Middle School memories part 4

(Link to part 3)

School dress codes are put into order for a reason. At this age the children can still get easily distracted. The dress codes were fair, more fair then most schools, at least they didn't ban girls from wearing tank tops and were fair about most clothing choices for the students. The school mostly didn't like the students wearing hats, which was easy to follow.

But today Issac had no clue how to address whatever the heck Ikari was wearing today. Would he dress code Ikari? His clothing didn't break any of the rules but it was different than most normal clothing. Issac couldn't even recognize at Ikari first because he looked like someone else.

Ikari sat at his desk, wearing a black wig, some crazy cloak, and purple eye contacts. Issac normally doesn't stare but he couldn't stop starting at Ikari. He was so confused. Was the boy going through a identity crisis? Was this the start of early teenage rebellion? Well now he had to ask because he was a little worried for Ikari.

Issac went up to Ikari's desk, Ikari was busy drawing another anime girl in his notebook again. "Good morning, Ikari. The look seems interesting. What's with the sudden change?" Issac asked nicely, though he was worried on the inside.

Ikari looked up and smiled brightly. "Good morning! This is my cosplay, I'm Lelouch from Code Geass. Cool right? I made the cloak myself! Sure I may have pricked my fingers while sewing but it was so worth it." Ikari said proudly, flipping some of the hair of his wig.

Issac gave a slight sigh of relief, but now he was left with more questions. "Uh, what's a cosplay? Also who's Lelouch?" Issac asked which caused Ikari to gasp.

"You don't know who Lelouch is? Have you never watched Code Geass? Because you should watch it. Best anime as of right now by my standards. Lelouch is the main character, and he's super cool, so I decided to dress like him." Ikari then proceeded to almost go over the whole lore of Code Geass season 1 before Issac had to stop him.

"Woah woah, too much too much information. That doesn't answer my other question. What is a cosplay?" Issac asked again. Ikari gives a disappointed look.

"Old man, cosplay is where cool people like I, dress up in costumes of our favorite pop culture character. We mostly make these costumes ourselves and show them off at a anime conventions. Those places are also cool because you get to buy merch and see art as well." Ikari explained with the proud look still on his face.

It took Issac to process all of this. This what happens when Ikari is the first one to class before school starts in 40 minutes. He gets some 12 year old geeking out over anime, who is probably high on sugar and caffeine. Once Issac had finished processing the whole Code Geass lore he now had to process what Ikari meant by cosplay.

"So.... you dress up like fictional characters and go out like them?......" He asked, unsure if he was right. Ikari nods and gives a thumbs up.

"Bingo. It's for fun!" Issac thought about it before softly smiling and giving a nod.

"Well whatever makes you happy, kid. Just try not to come to school dressed like that all the time, other staff members might not be so lenient on the cloak thing. Also I might accidentally mark you absent since you're not Ikari, but Lelouch now." Issac chuckled as he went along with Ikari's little fun.

Ikari pouts a little. "What? You know it me. I'm not Lelouch, I just so happen to look like him. Don't mark me absent." He continued to pout while Issac laughed a little.

"I'm just messing with ya. Of course, I won't mark you absent." Ikari stopped pouting after that and chuckled as well. He seemed to relax.

The warning bell to hurry to class rang and other students start coming in. Issac goes back to his desk to start the lesson plan and Ikari goes back to doodling in his notebook. What a interesting little start to the morning.

#bsd #bsd oc #bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs oc #dr ikari #the author didn't know how to finish this one

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nohoperadio · 3 months

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During my mid to late teens I had a sort of neurotic crisis relating to listening to music. I'd read people describing the experience of listening to music in very idealized terms, as something transcendent and quasi-spiritual and very life-altering and profound (I seem to recall that, of all things, a passage from Stephen Fry's memoir along these lines particularly stuck with me, but there were others), and I compared these descriptions with how I actually felt while listening to music and decided I must be severely deficient somehow. I liked music, the bands I liked were possibly even my main interest at that time, but I didn't seem to get out of it what these sources seemed to describe. So whenever I listened to something during this time I was putting a lot of mental strain into trying to make myself access the very significant states of mind I thought I was missing, concentrating in a very unnatural way, trying to find a way "in", and of course just feeling miserable and inadequate and numb the whole time.

I think it's quite common to feel self-conscious about the quality of one's response to "high-status" art like Shakespeare or Beethoven or whatever, especially when that art is working in paradigms unfamiliar to you. This was similar to that, but the self-consciousness infected my enjoyment of music that I was already very familiar with and had been engaging happily with for (often) years already. Albums I had previously played because I loved them now became sort of impossible inscrutable spiritual homework that made me hate myself. It was extremely distressing. I did not spend less time listening to music as a result of this, partly because I'd formed a habit of it and I don't break habits easily, and partly because I genuinely believed that whatever mystical state I thought I was chasing would be worth the effort if I could ever get there.

This lasted--well, I have a terrible sense of time, but if I say it lasted two or three years or so that feels roughly right. In hindsight, I probably could have been diagnosed with OCD if it had occurred to me to conceive of this as a health issue. Maybe that would have been useful, maybe not. In the context of all the other debilitating mental health crises I had going on back then, this probably wouldn't have been the best bee sting to prioritize salving.

I "recovered" gradually by some mysterious providence that might have been me developing some common sense about the issue, or might have been simple distraction and forgetfulness: it's hard to keep obsessing about the same idea forever when you make no progress with it. But I remember this bit of an interview with Greil Marcus, the music critic, feeling very helpful at one point, particularly the conversation-with-a-friend analogy (bold is the interviewer speaking):

So you let music grab hold of you instead of trying to grab hold of something yourself. That sounds refreshingly natural. Often, when I listen to music, I feel like I have to sit there and engage in the act of listening or else I’ll miss something, which ends up making me sort of self-conscious. I don’t like to listen that way. I’ll listen that way when I need to check something. But I think that music is part of life, it’s part of the atmosphere, it’s part of the conversation we live in. You don’t go up to one of your friends and say, Tell me something really profound today that I’m going to remember and want to tell other people about. Your friend is going to say, What? And that’s going to be the end of the conversation. So when you approach a song, and you say, in essence, Tell me something profound, it won’t.

#uninteresting

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laurasauras · 2 months

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3,20,38

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

whenever i find myself thinking like this, it usually prompts me to go, okay, so how do i make it work.

the easy example is hanahaki--it's always been a trope that's annoyed me because it feels like weaponised victimhood and i couldn't get past how shitty the target of hanahaki would feel. so one day i come across it and i get to thinking, okay smartass, you do it better then! and from that i wrote two fics and an rp about characters who got hanahaki for people they both really didn't want to have it for and who couldn't have the surgery. i wanted to see what it'd be like if i gave it the highest stakes i could think of, and i think Excise My Broken Heart (unrequited daverose) is one of the best things i've written

in terms of ones i haven't done and really can't see myself doing though, pregnancy freaks me the fuck out so i don't think i could write anything more detailed than a tacky gender reveal party without getting squicked. and despite using 2nd person constantly due to the homestuck of it all, i find y/n fics to be tooooo ... idk directed? i don't have a problem with people reading my fics and getting off or with getting off while imagining themselves as the characters, but i'm not writing to get people off. not my cuppa tea! even in my porniest you better believe there's a character observation i'm proud of making!

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

okay so when i want to write i make myself a cup of tea/milo or boozy beverage of my choice, get in comfy clothes and sit where i always sit (my armchair, probably cross-legged) with all the things that give off notifications exited out of so i can't see the (1) of it all. i'm not hungry, i've taken my meds and i've had a shower recently enough that i'm not distracted by hygiene

when i need to write, same thing except i'm listening to Alive 2007, daft punk's live album where they mash up a bunch of their songs. it is magic for making me focus

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

one that i still think about is from Yet Another Crisis, where roxy is making her bad mental health everyone else's problem as well, which was a vent fic about my brother acting out before anyone knew he was trans. a commenter said that it really resonated with them, i shared the inspiration and they were like welp, that's why it resonated! they said, "I suspect I'm going to end up sharing this fic with my therapist, and maybe even my mother someday when she's ready to listen" and i will never stop thinking about how something i wrote was meaningful enough that someone feels that by sharing it, they can be known better. nothing tops that!

i actually keep a doc (that i always forget to update) with comments that have particularly made me smile. i'm fortunate enough to get a lot and i treasure them all, but some of them deserve to be squirreled away for days when i need to be reminded that my art has impact on people and by doing something i love, i have brought happiness (and a whole bunch of other emotions) to wonderful people 💛

#ask game

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hel7l7 · 5 months

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hey there, been following you for quite a while now and never told you that your art just... hits really hard, right where it should. I'm struggling with bpd as well, and I want to ask you, but I don't even know what would I ask. I just feel so disconnected from everything right now, especially people, and I need someone who understands so I want to think you're the person who understands. anyway. how does it feel? how do you deal with it? is your skin ever comfortable? do you ever know how to talk to other people without thinking and feeling too much? do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? what does feeling feel like? do you think you'll ever be able to love yourself exactly for what you are? do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

sorry if this is a bit incoherent and too much... I just need to ask. sending lots of love your way

Dear anon, I hope you still see this even though my reply came a little late. My heart goes out to you. Because I understand your questions, I feel you. I really do. I hope you feel a little less alone in it all knowing that I’m here, rooting for you. If I can make these little steps in the healing process, then so can you. You’ve got this. Stay strong. <3

The whole bpd diagnosis is a wild ride. How do I deal with it? Through art. Through therapy. Through talking with friends. Through trial and error.

I don’t really talk about this very often, but I’m unemployed and unable to work or go to school at the moment. So I deal with it but I'd love to be able to do more… Every time I try to pick something up I often end up finding out it is too much for me and ends me in crisis. (note: all of this is currently more bcs of my ptsd than my bpd) It’s a process of trying and figuring it out. I believe I'll get there, it has been better at times, and it has been worse at times. Currently I’m working a very very low level “job” that I really like. Which is going quite alright so far. It’s only a few hours every week but it is better than nothing. Please note that I’m not happy with this situation, I would love to be able to work or go to school. My country has a pretty well working system in which I’m glad to be able to rely on resources when I’m not well enough to support myself financially.

Is my skin every comfortable? Yes. It never was before. But it has become easier. It really has become easier. I feel everything deeply still. The good and the bad. But it does get easier. I’ve grown more accustomed to my own needs and that really helps. You’re not less worthy or less of a person because you have bpd. Bpd often stems from trauma/childhood/the past. Figuring out where my behavior was coming from helped me find better ways to cope.

Do you ever talk to other people without thinking or feeling too much? No. Lmao. I wish I could give you another answer. And I think this might be different maybe for other people with bpd. ( I mean I’m only one person so it’s not like my answers are The Answers. Everyone has a different experience. )

For me, interpersonal contact is the hardest part. Always has been and maybe it always will be. I’ve become better at not acting on my thoughts and feelings. I’m often just very scared or anxious about things. But tuning out to those thoughts and focusing on other things (distraction) works very well for me when it comes to the anxiety around it.

But there’s much more about this subject I could explore. I think my whole journal-art-chaos-page just comes down to me struggling with connection/people/myself.

How do you know how to talk to yourself and not feel like a stranger? By practice. By endless practice. Tell yourself the things you’d tell a friend. Sometimes when I’m very overwhelmed I try to imagine someone I love or someone I look up to sitting next to me and try to imagine what they would say to me. Or I ask myself what I’d say to a friend in a similar situation. Getting that kind-spoken dialogue going in my head often helps me set an example for how to talk to myself and help myself through this situation.

What does feeling feel like? It’s the best and the worst at the same time. I feel the highest highs and the lowest lows. Maybe this is different for everyone but I’ve always loved it. When I was on antidepressants for a while I got very frustrated because I couldn’t feel the way I was used to. I experience intense love, happiness, awe, every positive feeling you can think of. And much of the time that counteracts the deep lows.

Do you ever think you’ll love yourself exactly as you are? Yes. I’ve come to realize there’s no other way. I can push myself to be someone I’m not but it does never really change who I am. Even then I’ll still be myself, trying to be someone else. Which never actually stops me from being me.

I struggle with this. Sometimes I don’t want to be who I am. This mostly comes down to me not wanting to accept that shitty things happened to me. I don’t want to be that girl. I don’t want to face those things.

But in the end I can do whatever I want but I’ll never be someone other than myself. I can fight myself and keep pushing all my feelings down, I can neglect myself, hurt myself, hate myself, I can do all these negative hateful things towards myself. It will never change me. It will never make me someone else.

So what else is there to do?

I’ve tried neglecting myself. Never made me happier. I can’t do that to myself anymore. I’m who fought for me the hardest. In the end I was the one who was always there. I was the one who tried to survive when I thought I couldn’t.

Loving myself makes my life easier. And it’s a ride. I don’t love myself all of the time. And I still struggle to accept parts of myself that I wish were different. But I mostly wish I was able to give myself more love earlier. I mostly wish I hadn’t had to go through all that pain. I wish I never felt like I had to hurt myself to survive. ( Inner child work did help me with this a bit.)

do you ever just need to lay down on the ground and tell yourself as much times as it takes for you to believe it that there are moments beyond this one (and this, too, shall pass)?

YES. All the time. It is very overwhelming to live in a world so intense while feeling everything so intensely. The good thing is that till now every moment I’ve ever thought I couldn��t go on, I still did. I still could go on. Even when I thought I couldn’t.

The hard moments do pass. In the end everything will always keep changing. The good, the bad. It is all temporary. Which is the only fact we have. But it does get easier to deal with it all.

It really fucking does.

16 year or 18 or 20 year old me wouldn’t believe where I’m at now in this all. There’s much more steps to take, but I’ve also come from very far.

#you all don't know how much love i carry for you #my heart goes out to all of you struggling #let me give you all a hug #don't give up please #anon #ask #bpd #this whole thing could have been so much longer and so much shorter #i'm sorry ;)

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owlespresso · 1 month

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🍊

🍊 Who’s a character you don’t write for that often, but keep meaning to write for more? (They’re so interesting! But maybe you have trouble pinning them down, or keep getting distracted by another blorbo…)

GENESIS RHAPSODOS from Final Fantasy Crisis Core. I love him sooo much but I already have so much on my plate. I also won't lie—he's a pretty niche character and knowing he likely won't get that much attention also dissuades me somewhat. But it's mostly just having so much else to do.

Argenti from Honkai Star Rail!!! I've adored him ever since the first art of him leaked, but I'm admittedly waiting until Boothill comes out to start anything because I really would like to do something featuring the both of them. Also, I want to try and cool it a little on Honkai Star Rail because I know a lot of my followers started following my work for other fandoms haha. and I KNOW I should be writing for myself, first and foremost, but I can't help but want to keep things balanced.

ask meme here

#hoot hoot

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richardsphere · 3 months

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Leverage Redemption Log: The Too Many Rembrants Job

Ok so guy is running around, scenes are flashing everywhere. He's apparantly not too great a person ("whole life i have prided myself on never taking a side"... ) Im gonna say he looks like a little grey man type. Seems like he's feeling rather conflicted about whatever situation he's stuck in. Like this is not his lifestyle. --- Three days earlier, Sophie wakes up to an empty bed. (god... It hits me a little but i cant imagine how this must've hit people who watched it originally and sat through years before it un-cancelled)

The revival seems intend to do the "sherlock-graphics text conversation" thing that has become popular in the intervening years (i dont love that style, but i understand the economy of it. Only 1 shot can now show text and reaction rather then having to cut from a shot of a phone held in someone's hands to a shot of the face. I dont love it but i understand the utility of it.)

I Notice during the toast that Hardison's actor is credited as a "special guest star" (makes sense, i understand his career really took off between the original show and the revival so that makes sense) As far as excuses to write Hardison out of the story (outside of cameo's) are concerned, saying "Leverage International has over a dozen teams, all of whom need supervision and the research has always been his thing even in the OG run" is a pretty good and natural flowing explanation for it.

First heist of the new run: Distracting a grieving widow. Time to steal ourselves some therapy. --- I dont like the Big Text Transition Cut-in. BOSTON MUSEUM OF ART printed in such a big font you cant see the museum is a waste of an establishing shot.

I assume this "Harry" is the same guy that i have been told is the reboots mythical "lawyer" role. (a role that feels out of place in the line-up. Even if I remember the Cheerleading episode and the way that Nate's job was mostly knowing which crimes he could trick the bad guys into getting arrested for it still feels weird.)

Phoenix Wright points out that our prospective mark (opioid crisis billionaire) cant actually remove the painting halfway through but that they could cancel future donations.

But it seems Sophie has made her decision, she follows the lawyer till he admits which painting it is. Then all-but openly admits she's stolen it before. (guess we needed to tip our new castmember off somehow. Still feels clunky, but i'll respect it as a "Sophie's been out of the game for 8 years" thing)

In shock: Parker is getting therapy something i've been strongly opinionated on since the 12 step job. Sure its a child psychologist rather then an adult psychologist but its good. (different things work for different people, and the list of people to whom she could honestly admit to her life without risking arrest is slim. Take what you can get Sophie.) ---

"this is not what it looks like" "cause it looks like you're stealing a Rembrandt, and you've got a 2 minute window, tops... Hurry on" real "Uncle Iroh correcting his muggers knife-stance" energy here. Just the look on his face when he says "you want me to keep..." like i dont know what the Opiodbaron has on him to make him do this but he's so out of his depth. "is that my wallet?" "sure hope so, it has all your creditcards in it" this guy just knows his life is ruined now, the look on his face that all sensibility and reason has left the universe as these 3 people just casually chat with him mid-burglary.

Parker the cartwheel was entirely unneccesary. This is not an acrobatics job this is a "walk there and put the thing on the camera" job. No need to show off.

"where did you learn to do that" "youtube" absolute Timmy Turner"I inherited the internet" level of answer right there.

"So right now they're busting down the firedoors and an enterprising employee is coming in through your escaperoute" (i mean it was pretty well thought out for a complete amateur... that sounds more insulting then i meant it but i meant it as a compliment) --- Further flashback to him first starting to work for MarkyMcMarkface. "im not an anybodies side, im a lawyer" Ah i can see im gonna get really sick of the "evil lawyers are scum of the earth" jokes really quickly with this sequel series arent I? "not my medication, im the one who convinced him to pay out, you just need to put down the shovel... so to speak". Those are definitly the words of a man balancing his desire to do good, with his ability to be in position to do anything at all. (i like when characters have that dynamic. Its much more interesting then "cackling villain or heroig paragon"). Im giving this line a full on 9.8/10 for establishing this guy.

"my name will live on in these museums forever" well that is a line that definitly cant get twisted into "this is the famous art-thief who stole all this art" after Leverage Inc-ternational is done with framing him he'll realise the downside of herostratic fame. --- "are we taking him as a client or wiping his ID and dumping him in Venezuela" "I'd like to vote no on that"

"wait, i think i've deduced you are thieves. And you were there not to steal the Rembrandt? And now that you know the owner is vermin you want to help me ruin him?" yeah that is the premise, good deductive skills, absolutely love how fish-out-of-water he is. (the hell is going on?) That is the voice of a man speedrunning his way through the 5 phases to acceptance that his world will never make sense again. --- I like how Sophie mentions a theft and parker just reviews the heist. Good way to show the runners still understand her character, she doesnt care about the painting she cares about the swagger of the theft itself.

"well, he's already an inside man" "and we can bonk him on the head later, if we have to", " thank you... that did not sound right". --- "a month is a long time when you're the one not doing the stabbing". Ok i think we're overplaying the stabbing. That happened one time in season 1 of the original series, i think this is a bit of flanderisation. (still a great line, if i knew anyone who did throwpillows i'd get it done on one) --- I like the acknowledgement that art forgery is intense. With the need to duplicate materials as well as colours. And i like that Elliot still is Mr. Know A Guy, --- Ok so they realise they cant sell it (cause they didnt think to fake a Rodin) and use it to double down his reputational insecurities "cant sell it to you, owner wont sell to someone who might lose it due to future lawsuits".

Mark is calling a security check on sophie and it cuts to break (as if anything he could find isnt hidden by Hardison)

--- Lovely story, irish mob, father operated in the place they stole the painting, looking to offset it. Passes inspection (especially when the inspector is on your side) definitly written for Nate not Elliot but it'll work. --- "do i even want to ask who this actually belongs to?.. Thought so." at least he's quick on the uptake.

So it is at this point in the episode that i felt a need to I google wether the actor is dead. (he isnt, he got accused of SA but was cleared by the court in the end. Still public opinion being fickle and him never having been a Pirates of the Caribean level famous actor. I understand that is definitely a career killer.)

Bunch of eulogies for Nathan, "at least he burned" 8.8/10 --- Elliot taking the role as an excuse to rough the guy up a little bit before "losing" the negotiations. (note: they've clearly learned some lessons. Elliot made sure to check what the mark plans to do with the painting. No "oh shit the fiddle-purchaser thinks he's the fiddle here." Thats what 5 christmass specials and an 8 year interlude's worth of experience gets you) --- Lucille is a foodtruck now, (well, its more "air force 1" rules. Any plane with a US president is airforce one, any foodtruck with a Hardison is Lucille) --- Looks like Mark has decided to just kill elliot and take the painting. Also looks like this scary woman (RIZ security) is gonna be a recurring antagonist. (she has too much "presence" to be a one-off)

Ah the old "let me explain the fight choreography, then work my way through the choreography and look like a WarProphet-eer" stint. (Guy Ritchie Holmes did it better, but it gets a passing grade) I do like the little compliment RIZ woman gave. Elliot Spencer: "The Rembrandt of Violence". --- "smart thing to do would be to run" Smart thing yeah, but you guys dont do the smart thing, you guys do the Cunning Genious Bastard thing. Parker is notably absent in this scene, or anything that has been happenign in this part of the plot. (she's off doing the plan this is a distraction/back up for)

Elliot coming in like a rhinocerous. Lawyerman Flashback. "If i cant give them anything, and I cant be forgiven, I need to take something from him."

Back-to-present Lawyerman walks into the museum (sirens blaring), puts gasoline/kerosine/alcohol/other chemical accelerant on the painting and burns it. (the alarm is already blaring, which means something already set it off. The paintins already been swapped for a fake, as have all the others probably. We're framing our Mark for an Insurance scam again cause we cant beat the classics, especially if we're doing a Revival Series Pilot) --- Lawyer walks up to Mark and gets gutpunched. Mark is on the phone talking his secire and secret Maltese bank details (Sophie or Hardison? Place your bets. I think its Sophie, usually this would be a Hardison thing but it would show her as being "back" as an actress) --- "I said one job... The job's not done". Good line (7.6/10), and i like the subversion of the expectation that just 1 heist would be enough to get her "back in the game". making it a two parter helps divy up the load a little on selling both the grieving process and Harry's joining with the crew.

#TW SA mention #tw johny depp mention #leverage #leverage redemption #leverage redemption season 1 #the too many rembrandts job

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xisadorapurlowx · 5 months

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My Favourite Pieces of Writing

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The Prelude: Stealing the Boat - William Wordsworth

I was first introduced to this through my time in school. This Poem is from Wordsworth's book, The Recluse where he muses about life.

This poem makes me think of times where I have been out with people and have seen the lights on the promenade go out at night, leaving the street in near darkness, if it weren't for the street lamp. It really illuminates and reminds me that although the human race is terrible and horrific, there is natural beauty in the world.

But it also reminds me of how small human beings really are. I used to lie in bed as a child and think about how small I am in the grand-scheme of things. How I am just a momentary consciousness in the universe. Most of the time, I'd scare myself thinking about it and roll over, finding something else to distract myself with.

It's a good example of an existential crisis, as at the end of the poem, the man who stole the boat, can never see the world with the amazing awe and beauty he once had for it.

2. The Spider's Thread - Ryuunosuke Akutagawa

The Spider's Thread details a story of how the Buddha is strolling through paradise and gazes into a pond where he sees Hell. There is a criminal in a pool of blood lying at the bottom of the pond. The Buddha sees that this man did one good act in his life, and moved by it, lowers a spiders thread to save the man from Hell.

This was really my first proper introduction into Akutagawa's writing. I'd only heard about him through Bungo Stray Dogs and knew only of Rashomon. The anime/manga was what really sparked my love in classics.

What struck me about this story, was how cruel and vividly I could picture the story playing out as I read the words on the page. I'd heard that in Japanese Buddhism, they believed that women who did bad things in life would be sent down to Hell and forced into a pool of blood and I can't help but be reminded of that in this story.

Akutagawa has also inspired me into writing short stories more recently.

3. Lady Macbeth's Soliloquy - Macbeth

I have spent a lot of time in performing arts. Growing up, I was always excited when my school decided to put on a play - a break from the boring and mundane sitting at a desk and being forced to memorise useless maths equations I would never use.

I've always thought that Shakespearian English is really pretty and I love this whole speech she gives herself. I can't stop thinking about the lines: 'And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty' and 'And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,' This whole monologue is so powerful.

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owltypical · 8 months

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well, i'm 39 today. my final birthday in my thirties. i am of course a weird and anxious pile of emotions atm over this!

like, i know ageism is a big problem on this site and in real life in general, i'm not feeling particularly old at the core of things, i don't feel different in any way from how i've felt for a while now, i know i'm technically still young and have many years and good things ahead of me

but it's also hard not to feel like i'm quickly approaching a very big and important marker in life, the switch from the First Half to the Second Half, the big four-oh, with very little to show for it; like the entirety of my twenties and thirties, the peak prime of my youth, went by in a quick vague haze and i spent most of those twenty years lonely, afraid, depressed, poor, et cetera (not to mention the critical three years of my thirties i lost to covid)

i'm now at a part of my life where i should have at least some of my shit together and progressing, but the current job search is long and fruitless, i'm broke, dating continues to be nonexistent, and the words of that one gyno i had a few years back sternly looking at me and saying i only have so many years of decent fertility for family stuff left is pecking steadily at the back of my brain

and that age anxiety feeds into my making art as well; i've had long art blocks before but never one as bad as the one i'm currently in and have been the past couple years, lately i keep having positive ideas and drawings moments in little fits and starts, but it still has yet to fully come back to me, and i can't stop feeling terrified that it might never come back to me, and that overall i've lost many years of precious creative time and only have so many left, and for all my big dreams and plans i've very little to show for it all

and the most terrifying thought of all, that i was just never meant to be cut out for vigorous art-making like comics and stories to begin with, that it was all for naught and that i'm nothing more than a little part-time hobbyist

i'm at the perfect age now for a mid-life crisis, Oh Boy, and it kinda feels like one's brewing a bit, so i'm going to distract myself with nutella brownies and bg3 today

#the illustrious life of owltypical #birfday #mental health //#long post

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recurring-polynya · 2 years

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Writing/Art Update 10/15/2022

Bleep blorp, my brain is so bad these days!!!

That is mostly a lie! My brain works just fine for daily stuff, I'm just kind of a mess at writing lately. We have a New Content now, and it's a lot easier to get distracted on social media, etc. I remain concerned that I'm not sure I be a person who exists and participates in a non-dead fandom, but, like, what else am I gonna do?

Anyway, I never did go back and write my Day 4 Bleach Returns story, and at this point, I think I've just moved on. (I still may do a bonus day, we'll see). I finished my next chapter of Tattoo AU, it is currently in beta, so you should see it soon. It's long, the longest chapter so far. I had a mild crisis while I was walking the dog today, because I was thinking about my overall outline and what I have left, and I feel like it might actually be too long and people are gonna start getting mad about these idiots not getting together. There's very definitely a part I could just chop, which would tighten it up a bit plus then I would be done faster but I donnnnnnnnn't waaaaaaaaant toooooooooo. Part of the charm of being a fanfic writer is that no one can tell you not to make your story worse if you're really committed to it (well, my beta reader can, maybe I should just ask her 😂)

There's some kinda Ichihime week coming up and I might try to do a drawing for that. I have not been drawing enough lately (I NEED to finish my LAST project but it's sooooo much wooooooooork). I am a mild Ichihime shipper at best (they are my fave pairing for one another, I just don't usually have a whole lot to say about it) but I consider myself a friend of the Ichihimes and I like to contribute something to their celebrations when I can. I really liked the style I did my Arrancar piece in, so I might try that again. I should probably also look at the prompt list again.

Anyway, you can definitely expect a chapter of fanfic from me this week, but after that, who knows! Certainly not me!

#writing update #art update

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hyperdemona · 1 year

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I do have adhd… I think my adhd is adaptive I have hyper focus. I complexly lose myself in what I’m doing. Like art. Or writing essays. My “father “ hated me centering myself because I was mere supply to him (misogynistic pedophile,) and he abused me so much that now I’m scared to enjoy things/don’t enjoy things anymore…

Now I hyper fixitate on the internet because I need an outlet and an escape. I tune out and dissociate.

For me adhd is often dissociating (dissociation is not an uncommon symptom of adhd ; people can become tuned out under too much stress, or in toxic high conflict relationships,) when I’m too stressed out. When I’m dealing with oppressive and toxic people and situations.

Adhd or not, internet is a common addiction. Most people want to tune out and be distracted from their feelings, stresses, and problems. It’s instantly gratifying.

There isn’t enough authentic connection in this world

Thank you for the perspective. For me, I can't focus for long on anything I want to do (like studying) but I can focus on other stuff I enjoy. Not that I don't enjoy studying or reading, I DO but I also get frustrated because not being able to focus ruins my ability to enjoy it. :'(( I'm also a maladaptive daydreamer, all the characters in my day dreams have life crisis and are always going through bad stuff etc.

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garoumylove · 1 year

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hi! would you tell about your drawing and writing journeys? how you started, what inspires you, if there were any obstacles etc - everything that you'd like to share! ive seen some of your old arts and can say that you've made a great progress, also some color scemes that you choose for your arts, like red/pink/white are very beautiful ヽ(*・ω・)ﾉ

Ah thank you so much for such a kind ask!! (I'm writing this on my PC so I can't use emojis but just imagine a lot of hearts inserted here!! ^.^)

I'll try to keep this as brief as I can as I don't want to go through my life story and sound self important!

But basically I've been writing since I was pretty young, like middle school. I was lucky to have some amazing English teachers who always encouraged me and praised me! I wrote for English class and just for myself since I was like 12. At first they were just fantasy stories and then as I got into high school it became romance stories and fanfiction (that I never published). I have hundreds of pages worth of writing from my high school years omg! I'd stay up late instead of sleeping writing this stuff haha!

I also wrote some crack LOTR fanfic with a friend in high school and we published it but it got taken down eventually and has been lost to time.

I stopped writing for a while because I got older and life got in the way. Then in 2017 I got very sick with some mysterious neurological thing (and i'm sick again now unfortunately) and to cope I got into anime and manga because it was the only thing that held my attention enough to distract me from a pretty horrible health crisis.

I watched OPM as one of my first animes and then read the manga. I ended up just falling in love with Garou's character. As someone who was bullied by other kids and adults in my life pretty constantly I saw A LOT of myself in him and understood his anger and secret insecurity. I felt so much for him that it pushed me to start writing little romantic drabbles again in my diary. Eventually, someone showed me AO3 and I saw people writing xReader fanfiction which I had not heard of before but I was instantly hooked and decided to try write a silly little smut just for fun, just to try it out. I posted it on AO3 in 2019 and got an overnight very positive response and a couple of people asking me to write more. I was very pleasantly surprised, so I did! And then after a couple of fun smutty xReaders I started to write things that were more emotional, a bit deeper and I became very passionate about it.

We get so little of Garou's life and thoughts and feelings about things outside of his hero hatred and his bullying and insecurity that I wanted to fill in those blanks. I wanted to explore the depths of his mind and character beyond the desire to be a monster. Because of course he is very human and very insecure inside just like many of us. I also wanted to explore that romantic/sexual side of him and his thoughts and feelings about that since that's also a basic and huge human need for most people. So that's where my writing inspiration comes from! I feel very lucky and honoured that so many people have read my fanfics and enjoy this characterisation of Garou I have created.

As for the drawing, well I really loved drawing as a kid but I wasn't very good and it's not something I took too seriously even though I loved doing it. It wasn't until I got into One Punch Man and Garou that I became really passionate about learning how to draw. I wanted to dive into the OPM universe and create, create, create. I wanted to make Garou and other characters come to life through my art (and writing).

The ship I draw (Garou and Eiko) is based on my xReader fanfic "Love/Hate". I just fell in love with my own story so much that I wanted to draw it as well as write! So the two things have come together nicely in that way :)

For my colour schemes...I just really love warm colours, that's all I can say really haha! No matter what I draw I always end up gravitating towards the warm reds. It's like a habit/addiction I guess lol!

My ideas for drawings are a mix of completely my own original ideas and using memes or photos etc as reference when I'm feeling the art block. But I do love drawing Garou, light of my life, my love. I've probably done it over 500 times now =^.^=

I hope I managed to answer your questions! Please let me know if there's anything else and thank you again for your kind words!

#garou addict #garou #opm #one punch man #ask box #ask me anything #ask response #my art #my fanfiction

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