I want every program advertising instant animatics using AI to fuck off I'm doing this for my own creative learning not because I want it to be fucking instant and easy

how a dusknoir and drowzee interaction could go like, to me (the first part is just me rambling so feel free to scroll past that if you want):

saw fujji's post about how dusknoir and drowzee are similar in their actions (elderly people helping younger folks with true intention revealed over time) and i wanted to to give my two cents about it, because i can. caw haw haw

so! drowzee and dusknoir! two individuals who are bad, but in their own ways. drowzee was a rather lowlife crook, who used azurill and marill's naivete to gain a quick buck by saying that he "knows" where the thing they were looking for is, only to be foiled and apprehended by h&p. what a dastardly bastard, that man!

and then we have.. dusknoir. at first, dusknoir was nice. using his knowledge to aid the guild and our two little heroes, all the while trying to find grovyle from altering the course of time and history (and preventing his own existence from stopping). but whereas drowzee only *pretended* to be nice to not let people know, dusknoir's first actions were sincere. stopping manetric from lashing out at the amp plains, stopping grovyle from dealing near fatal damage at azelf's cave, and agreeing to even help the hero uncover their past.

but while drowzee was found out rather quickly, dusknoir kept his real plan and intentions in the dark.

and he departed in the worst possible scenario: as he betrayed everyone around him, all the while kidnapping two kids who trusted them above everything with the intentions of killing them when he goes back. he knew everyone trusted him, and it meant nothing to him. thats not very cool, my dude.

but you wanna know what the worst part is? drowzee changed. he regretted doing what he did and being such a lowly huckster that he promised to change, even going all the way to mt. travail to study self-discipline, and he helped with what he could back with the whole nightmare biz in the postgame if it would even mean the littlest help.

dusknoir, though? radio silence. no apology, no regrets expressed to what he did, and even when his own life was slowly fading away, he said it well himself. he had no regrets. but dusknoir is no thief. he didnt do it for the money.

he acted the way he did because he was afraid. life was at stake, dialga not even hesitating to wipe him away if he wanted, and the fear of having to do what he had to do was all too pressuring for him. even then, he didn't speak up. not an apology, much less a "my bad".

i believe that when dusknoir, if he ever visited the past, he would immediately see how much the consequences of his actions follow him like a shadow. he'd overhear what drowzee did and try to seek out any answers to his own issue and how he could fix it. now, as i said, their situations are miles different. but drowzee would try to give him advice. show regret about what youve done to those youve hurt. be honest with it, and don't try to sugarcoat it. show people that you're a changed person by doing whatever it is that you can by helping. now, for dusknoir? easier said than done. everyone is shooting glares at him or talking behind his back that he may kidnap someone again. but even then, it would be worth a try. at this point, everything could help. if it would show to the two kids he regrets harming that he changed and that he no longer wishes to do harm.. it would be worth it. it would be a slow and easy process, yes, but showing that you care is better than giving the ones you love the perception that you never cared at all.

one day, three autumns | 一日三秋

This is the first time I've ever posted any fic related thing, so please go easy on me :p feedback is appreciated! English isn't my main language so if i made any mistakes, please let me know! Pairing: Zimo x Horangi Warning: ANGSTTTTT Some translations are added below each mandarin sentences :) for the title, its a chinese idiom that means when you miss someone so much, that one day felt as long as 3 years again huge thanks to Chrizz on Twitter for this ship "You never cared, did you?" I did. "All of this was just a joke, I was the only one serious, the only one who thought we could have something more than just whatever the hell we had!" I was serious too. "I hate you!" I love you.

A thousand words flew everywhere in his mind, yet none were uttered. A thousand pleas and desperation, clawing, burning in his throat, yet none were delivered. He never said anything. Always cold. Always calm. Not even when Horangi was screaming, prying his vest, and crying on his shirt. Not once did he flinch, nor showed any changes in his expression.

The moment when Zimo realize the heavy, heavy gravity of him on their 3rd encounter, he knew he was in trouble. Being in love with your enemy, it was as if you're asking to be tortured. Despite that, with every hug, every wave and every moment shared, he couldn't stay away. He knew that things had to end, one way or another, he just didn't expect it to happen on the day when he wanted to propose, a pair of silver rings hiding snugly in his pocket close to his heart.

人生有三错，一步错，步步错 别让我失望了。 "you made your mistakes, don't disappoint me” The words ringing in his mind, he had been careful, always had been, so how did the superiors find out? it didn't even matter at this rate, questions long forgotten as reality weights heavily in the air, almost suffocating. "Say something, goddammit!" He wanted to, he really wanted to, hell if he can scream out everything he ever wanted right now at this moment, forget everything and just have him in his arms again, he would do it. But he didn't, because he knows there are watchful eyes. 如果爱你是错，我宁愿永远不对 "if loving you was wrong, then I never want to be right" Yet he remained still as a tree, not moving, eyes still cold and emotionless. The only reply Horangi got was the pouring rain and the loud thunder, it seems like even nature was mocking their relationship. He still stood there, drenched in the rain even after Horangi stormed off hours ago. Never moved an inch, for in his eyes, nothing was worth it anymore, where can he go even if he does move? There's nowhere to go, because the world had already left him.

technically the translation for the "don't disappoint me part" is not the most correct meaning, the first idiom used before it translates to "There are three mistakes in life, if you take one wrong step, the following steps will all be wrong" I didnt really know if i should put that there, but i just wanted to signify how the superior basically said "you fucked up, dont fucked up again kind of vibe if you get me" also feel free to draw or write a fic based on this! just remember to tag me :D Anyways, pass me the towel to cry on-

I LIKE. totally get why people arent super into jondaisy or daisy in general and i dont really think people need to feel positively about daisy because like beyond the “someone who committed unforgivable acts of violence” angle there is also the layer of “police brutality” which is going to hit a lot of people in ways that are both very personal and stiflingly societal. but . i am going to discuss jondaisy. because i am so fucking fascinated by their dynamic in so many ways. 

anyway in s5 the things that stood out to me were. 

1. jon saying he never forgave daisy

2. daisy never asking him to

3. jon wishing daisy had recognized him, after going fully hunt. 

and it was i think such a chilling distillation of their dynamic that makes me FUCKING LOSE IT. like the fact that 

one, jon did not ever forget OR forgive daisy for what she did to him,

two, he TRIED TO CUT OFF HIS FINGERS and then GAVE UP HIS RIBS to go into the coffin to SAVE HER despite this, 

THREE, there is NO FUCKING WAY daisy didnt know that jon DID NOT FORGIVE HER and that him going into the coffin for her was NOT him saying its ok now, youre forgiven, but a very pointed its not fine and i dont forgive you but this is the right thing to do, and 

FOUR i believe that yes her reflection and introspection re her actions and the kind of person shed been and let herself be and enabled basira to be as well happened partially because she was in the buried for six months with nothing but her thoughts BUT the catalyst for her desire to ACTUALLY change and decide to do whatever the fuck it took to be better INCLUDING die was because jon got into the coffin to rescue her, NOT because he forgave her, but because he DIDNT, and he did it anyway. 

(arguably you can say that it was also a kind of a suicide mission. you can also argue it was because at that point jon was trying to get SOMETHING concrete GOOD done. you can also argue jon was just sort of like, resigned to the idea that he was good for nothing anyway so it didnt really matter. but jon saying he didnt forgive her makes me think there was an interpersonal relationship between them that made this a MORE complicated choice than “going into coffin easy way to die” like tim’s choice to blow the wax museum up was, or martin’s surrender to the lonely)

like. i cant fucking imagine the kind of person you have to be to be willing to cut your fingers off. to go to jared fucking hopworth and go take my fucking ribs idc. i need to go into the buried to save the woman who has been nothing but hostile to me and who tried to KILL me. and i need something to anchor me. so i will give up A PART OF MY BODY for that purpose. it makes me fucking lose my mind imagining the guilt daisy mustve felt. or not even guilt, because she wouldnt wallow in that, but – looking at someone who did that for her. who believed in her that much. that she was still worth saving. who said im a monster. and i dont forgive you for what you did to me, because i cant and dont want to and i get to choose if i do that and i won’t. and said youre a monster too. but i still think youre worth saving. so you can be better. because i still think we can both be better. 

which goes back to the wishing she’d recognized him. because she recognized him once, as a peer. as another person whod done things that they felt could never be forgiven (on a smaller scale and this is arguable anyway, sure, but still) but who still saw her as a person. there was a time where they saw each other as equals who were pushing each other to do better. and its such a fucking shame that it can’t happen again because daisy is gone now.

danny phantom episode 4-7 Thoughts: (under a readmore because, these got kinda long!)

-the outfit danny had to buy for dash's party. CLASSIC 2000S i cannot stop laughing. And also showing up to the party and everyone is dressed like the trio is hilarious. and further proof that everyone looks good dressed goth.

-dash has a closet full of cute lil bear plushies?? LOVE that. adorable. also his response to danny trashing his room fighting a ghost was SO valid if somone BROKE MY BED IN HALF ID BE PISSED TOO.

-technus being like 'oh smart, u should be a tutor!' then later being like 'forget tutor, be a teacher!' :) supportive king <3 I also really like his upgraded suit/design. AND SPOCK CAMEO??? HELLO??

-the music in this show is super. its so funky. I looked it up and the guy who does it, guy moon (awesome name) also did music for other cartoons like fairly odd parents, barnyard, chalkzone, billy & mandy, AND some actual movies like FIGHT CLUB??? the whiplash I got from reading that)

-sam being rich explains a lot about her, actually.

-I know the moral of the episode was supposed to be 'dont ditch your friends for popular people/spend a lot of money on clothes that arent You to Fit In'. but tbh. it wouldve been easy for danny to have been like 'well, okay, ill come but only if my friends can!' but I get. that hes 14. so. not a lot to say there.

-BOX GHOST IS BACK!!!!! also, danny sitting up and wearing the dress/wig/makeup. umm thats how I dress everyday LMFAO. unironically me. (hate the jokes that boil down to 'haha funney man in dress' tho. but this is a look)

-jazz being protective of her brother once again being like NOOO YOU GUYS BETTER NOT STAKE OUT HIS (actually haunted) LOCKER!! shes aware of how people perceive him and she wants to help :( which is also probably why she told dash to invite him to that party even tho she had no interest in going!! she wants to help him out :(

-gotta say im with tucker on the whole 'should danny use his powers to get back at bullies' debate. 100% yes. let him teach kids to fight back. making dash throw his food at paulina out of the blue? no. but when hes actually about to pick on someone? yeah! for self defense? YEAH! if dash and his friends just threw food at him, I think rather than. idk doing sneaky shit with frogs he couldve just threw it back and not pulled punches if they tried to fight. I kNOOWWW its a kids show so they are like 'if u fight back ur just as bad!! violence bad!!' but. theyre HIS POWERS. WHO CARES.

-like my only gripe is that dash really isnt LEARNING ANYTHING WHEN DANNY GETS BACK AT HIM IN THE MOST PETTY INDIRECT WAYS. whatever they had to add a bully psa episode I guess. I hate it and I hate the way cartoons usually handle it because these methods simply Do Not Work. 'aND YouRE USinG YOur poWErs FOR EVill???!' this is Not Evil. even when poindexter takes dannys body, theyre only being 'nice' bc hes stealing soda for them!! bitches deserve what they get (nothing too brutal bc theyre high schoolers but damn, if they pick on danny he doesnt need to be the 'bigger person' he needs to start biting people)

-SAM TRYING TO SMUGGLE FROGS OUT OF THE BIO LAB?? girl in middle school when we had to dissect frogs we could opt out, also, they came to us already dead and preserved...

-sidney's lingo and the fact hes in black and white is sending me. also, danny is a ghost celebrity apparently for being a halfa?? ok. thats interesting to know

-the DENTIST BEING EXCITED ABOUT THE COTTON CANDY FLOOD IS THE FUNNIEST THING SO FAR.

-I LOOOVE the trope of 'wishes gone wrong'. not crazy about the stereotypical genie, or the use of the dreamcatcher looking design. (also, I KNOW theyre scientists but the way theyre handling a cold...are the fentons ANTIVAX)

-the genie. she. whitewished paulina. JKASDFHKJ. (the ghost literally just being hello kitty???? im dying) 'why do i feel that im special and wonderful? because I AM! <3' paulina ilu self worth queen. felt bad for her also getting possessed by (2) boys later who were arguing INSIDE HER. WTF.

-imagine being the guy trapped in his now flying car. he thought danny and tucker were HALUCINATIONS. imagine being trapped in a flying car with two, what you think are imaginary arguing 14 year olds convinced ur gonna die. i WOULD say this dude is gonna need so much therapy, but he seemed totally fine and excited when they landed (I would be happy too if a chicken was on my head. chickens rule) stoner rights

-sam's bat slippers??? iconic. SO cute.

-I think desiree's backstory is so :( do all ghosts have messed up sad backstories?? poindexter's was sad too...cannot imagine box ghost has any kind of fucked up backstory. but what if. his mom got pushed off cliffs by boxes...........a la cruella... anyway her 'no man may lay a hand on me' iconic. ilu

-I know danny has no concept of how much bras cost but my god dont attack tucker with some girls bra. those are so expensive.

-its really. well its not a GOOD THING he went into the portal and got fucked up, but its good danny was the one to do it rather than sam or tucker. because even tho he was being influenced by desiree and kept getting more malicious and it prob wasnt 100% him...he sucked as a ghost like most the people he 'pranked' were innocent ppl just Chillin and he didnt want to help anyone at all. I think danny is the most responsible out of them but also, hes 14 and shouldnt HAVE to feel obligated to fight every ghost. hes a good kid and wants to, but I also feel like he feels like...responsible for the portal turning on?? because his parents did give it up,, but it was an accident and not his fault (if anything, why was the on switch on the inside. why was it that easy. why was there no safety measures. that seems like smth OSHA needs to hear about). like thats my son. hes a good boy. and hes never done anything wrong in his life, ever. if anyone hurts him im killing everyone in this room and then myself. etc.

-danny's curfew is 10PM????? DUDE. when I was 14...shit I couldn't be out that late, I had to be back at like, 8 at the latest, and my parents had to know exactly where and who I was going with, AND i had to call/text them regularly...is this a case of my parents being overbearing, or the fentons sucking??? the only time i could EVER be out that late was if I was at an overnight sleepover or smth...

-the vultures have lil fezes. why do they have fezes...theyre so fuckin funny 'ask him for directions' 'I KNOW WHERE IM GOING' these ghost vultures are my new grandpas. pick them up, put them in the adopt box.

-'I wonder why those guys were trying to waste dad!' THEYRE GHOSTS. YOUR DAD HUNTS GHOSTS. why is that not a conclusion you'd immediately jump to??

-*jazz voice, clearly disgusted* WISCONSIN???

-mrs fenton with the lab coat and leg warmers and PERM. YESSS STYLISH.

-was going to say 'ew billionaire' @vlad but. super valid he used his powers to assumedly steal and cheat to get that money, thats how all billionaires do it! but ew hes a SIMP. and spending your billions on FOOTBALL STUFF?? you are Not Valid overall. I DO respect the fact you have a castle instead of a mansion. in wisconsin. if youre going to be stupidly rich might as well go all out, torches on the wall and all. I DO like his ghost form's little kitty ears. catman. and his cape! every design can benefit from a cape. and how different his forms look, like danny looks the EXACT SAME IN BOTH FORMS ASIDE FROM COLOR CHANGES. vlad's is like,, I could believe they were different people!! also I love the drama. but dude you are fighting a 14 year old. lame. also he was like, telling danny he wanted his mom and him and like, wanted him to renounce his dad?? WHAT ABOUT JAZZ?? bitch. those r MY kids and they are both important and special. I do agree they need better parents but thats not u sir <3

-I thought vlad's 'little badger' nickname for danny came from the football mascot of the packers, but google says they have NO MASCOT?? so now I'm like?? is it because his hair is sometimes black and sometimes white?? I hate to give him props but thats a PERFECT NICKNAME. theyre also tiny and vicious!

-why did I get so excited that Skulker is back!! its been like. 2-3 eps LMAO. AND THE DAIRY KING. ICONIC I LOVE HIM. hes the nicest guy ever :) more nice ghosts please. danny cannot be fighting alone everytime with no ghost buds like every ghost being hostile sucks :(

-mr. fenton knew vlad was controlling him, but a few episodes ago he had no clue danny was doing the same thing...is it something about how malicious the ghost is?? he just seemed to think his memory had gaps the first time, this time he was INSTANTLY LIKE 'GHOST'. then again in this ep when danny did it again he was just slightly confused but not immediately freaking out like he did with vlad possessing him!!

-'my parents will accept ME NO MATTER WHAT' so. so why haven't you come out to them yet, danny?? if you really think that?? if theres no harm, and you're sure??? if vlad is a real problem, wouldnt that make dealing with him easier, to expose him???? SO WHY HAVENT YOU COME OUT YET?? COULD IT BE,, MAYBE YOU HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT WHETHER YOUR PARENTS ACTUALLY WILL ACCEPT YOU??? 🤔 ... 🏳‍🌈 I get why people say He Is Trans. I totally totally get u danny.

-sorta unrelated, but it just occurred to me in one of these eps they go to casper HIGH not casper middle school??? theyre 14?? dont highschools usually do ages 15-18? (I didnt go to hs so I might be wrong, if I am ignore this...) freshmen are usually 14-15, could just be a case of them not turning 15 yet but they will sometime in the school year (I say they because tucker said he was 14 too)? I know the show has 3 seasons, so by the end of it will they be older? thatd be neat but usually cartoon characters stay the same age...I love shows where you can see the characters age and grow up, though...three seasons seems like a long time to spend on like, 1 year...

Sorry mate TTA but I'm gonna need more cuz it's easy & convenient for you to say all that AFTER the fact. Hell any one of us couldve sent in that ask. Perhaps ur legit but I still feel like ur just another hater making up stuff to make us look stupid.

Anonymous asked:

And we should care, why, Tea Time Anon? I'm not seeing any reason to continue supporting those two women or to put any faith into what you say.

Anonymous asked:

I really really really hope that that teatime anon isnt giving us false hopes. Like im already at the edge, one more step and im out. But right now im taking 2 steps back and hang around… again.

Anonymous asked:

Well! It's a REALLY good thing for the girls that buying out of contracts is a thing, then, isn't it!

Because them doing it ASAP is the ONLY thing that will make it so that the number of people that will support them as a out couple ISN'T so low that you can count them on one hand! 😒🚬

Anonymous asked:

Yeah sure like she moved the re-release of her most successful and most anticipated album ever *at the last minute* because of Karlie. As if she was ever gonna incorporate Karlie while married to a Kushner (the divorce wouldn't have come right away). I used to believe so much in tta. But the timeline of events they describe doesn't make sense. Am not falling for the "pivot" excuse anymore.

Anonymous asked:

“I think you all may have guessed that a PR divorce was planned and cancelled because of his Instagram deletion and subsequent reactivation.” No offense to you SR, but this sounds really manipulative. Make us feel good for something we indeed were assuming to gain our trust in order to then excuse their inconsistencies. Also even if 1989 were to be released on May, Speak Now was never gonna be released in July as they had said. Too short of a rollout for 1989. Explain that TeaTimeAnon. 🤷‍♀️

Anonymous asked:

Renegotiate!? Come on. Nope. Taylor better carry on, cause that is bullshit if true. Hell nah. Karlie is ridiculous to keep agreeing to shit—and Taylor is ridiculous to keep going along with it. Nope. Sorry. 😏

I do feel like something was coming in May for sure. I'm not sure what's going on, but things are for sure off. And it is weird that she all of a sudden announces RED 5 months early after dropping 1989 merch. Cool, no problem, but a weird rollout.

Anonymous asked:

Uh why does KK need money from jerk if she has Taylor? The whole she needs his money thing which is why she’s staying is getting to be an old excuse.

Anonymous asked:

There's no way the jerklie divorce was scheduled for the end of May. The end of the contract maybe. But there's absolutely no way they'd be getting divorced 3 months after the birth of the baby. It would have drawn too much unnecessary attention.

Anonymous asked:

Lmao tea time is just saying what we’ve all been saying. They are NOT legit. Stop trying to convince us that they are. They sound like regular fans taking a guess. Enough

Anonymous asked:

Sigh. I am a long time Kaylor and I really don’t find 🍵 credible. There was nothing in that explanation that we haven’t already speculated about at length on here. Unless there’s some strong corroboration of why they’re a trustworthy source, I really don’t need anymore “tea”.

Anonymous asked:

I mean come on. Would a real insider reveal so many details about Karlie's contract which is STILL ongoing in a place that is HEAVILY monitored by Jerk's team? Are we really that naive to believe that someone is offering such precious info without any care? TTA is either a troll or worse... they're dangling fake hope again right when everyone has started saying how sick and tired they are and how pointless it is to still support them. TTA must prove themselves, or not bother us ever again.

Anonymous asked:

Some of what TTA is saying makes sense... But here's my big question: Is Karlie sad and blue every day for months like Taylor talked about in Hoax? Or is she willingly prolonging her contract, pushing Taylor's re-recording schedule, and making it harder to untangle her and her kid from the K*shners? Both cannot be true. I'm not a big Karlie fan rn, but I think it's the first option. Also, TTA said 1989 TV would drop 5/14. So K renegotiated and T pushed 1989 in under 2 weeks? I'm skeptical.

Anonymous asked:

… so a “PR divorce” was scheduled for May, but instead we get Karlie w Joshua’s mom walking the baby and Karlie posing for pics in their stunt apt and a Father’s Day post? Among other pap walks? Literally makes NO sense.

Anonymous asked:

If anything is worth staying tied to the K*shners when you had a chance to be free, I have no respect left.

Anonymous asked:

can someone clarify what the 3rd part of tta's message?? taylors sm, interviews have been messy? like no?? that was(is) karlie?? the only "mess" on her part are that she sent out clues for multiple albums, and even that I refuse to believe that such a meticuluous planner as taylor did not take absolutely every factor in consideration, especially one as big as jerk renemwing their contract or whatever exactly went down. here im assuming that jerk had the power to single handedly renew [PART 1]

the contract, and that the term 're NEGOTIATE' is used loosely, because what could the kushners possibly have to offer to karlie other than money- black, dishonest, taxpayers' money- even her rep isnt being helped by the kushners, so why would she agree to extending their stupid skit that no one signed up for? and taylor has more than enough money to last 7 lifetimes. and if jerk had the power to renew the contract without karlies involvement, there is just no way that taylor didnt [PART 2/4]

take that into consideration. Also, the 22 weeks and men's day thing is too perfect to be planned on a whim, but it is possible that like some anon had previously said, it was planned for 2022, so we can overlook that. but otherwise, there are only so many possibilities: 1. 1989 was postponed because karlie DECIDED to continue playing house with the kushners for money. in which case, either a) taylor supported her (seems unlikely but still possible) or b) they broke up because of this [PART3/4]

2. karlie and jerk are together for real and have a kid together and karlie refused to being a part of 1989 tv era because she doesnt want kaylor rumours again, which i agree would be unpleasant if she really is with jerk, taylor is or is not with joe, and karlies refusal caused 1989 to pivot, and all of us kaylors are delusional to think there is anything more between them. <PART 4/5>,

3. karlie is, infact, bearding with jerk but kaylor broke up a while ago and taylor doesnt want to relive 1989 tv so soon after her breakup because it would remind her of karlie. 4. they broke up sometime in the past and taylor asked her now ex to be part of the 1989 tv era and she refused. 5. tta is a fraud. these are really the only situations i think are plausible, others are free to add more and share your thoughts on these. <PART 4/5>

also, another thing that has me doubting the credibility of tta is how direct their messages are. there is a chance that spade is/was legit because they spoke the same language as taylor- one of codes and puzzles. but tta's messages are wayy too straightforward to be approved by taylor i think. so either, as another anon requested, show some proof, like maybe a single release date for red tv or something, or stop sending supposed "tips" <PART 5/5>

Anonymous asked:

Convenient that TTA shows up after Red TV has been announced. Taylor has been dropping hints about all her albums since before May. Red tv being next makes sense and there is Easter eggs and evidence that was the case. Also: if negotiations happened at start of May, why was KK dropping 1989 hints as recent as last week. It’s doesn’t make sense.

Anonymous asked:

TTA: What about Speak Now TV coming out on July 9th, like you said last time? That album has nothing to do with Karlie. Taylor said pretty clearly that the next album she's releasing is Red TV. So what's your explanation for Speak Now's release being pushed to some unspecified date?

Brassy (Part 4)

Pairing: Loki X Reader,  Bucky X Reader

Words: 1881

Warnings: Language, PTSD, Smut (18+, NSFW), Casual sex, some angst

Summary: You’re in a friends with benefits situation with Loki and some of the other Avengers aren’t happy with the arrangement. Reader and Bucky finally have it out. 

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3

———————————-

You rode Loki until you exhausted yourself. A while later you felt him shift out of the bed. You grab his wrist and say, "Stay."

"What?" He says surprised.

"Stay."

"Are you certain?"

"On one condition." 

"Name it, darling "

"Wake me up fucking me."

"My pleasure." 

You smile into your pillow and fall asleep.

As promised, you wake up spooned against Loki as he slowly works himself into you from behind. His left arm curled under you playing with your breast and his right hand making slow circles around your clit. "Ohhh…yes." you breath as the pleasure washes over you. Loki continues his ministrations at a leisurely pace while whispering in your ear. "Is this what you wanted, my darling? Hmmm...you're so tight. So perfectly tight. Ohhh. So wet for me, my darling…"

The feeling of his breath on your ear, his hands swirling their magic around your breasts and clit, and the steady rhythm of his cock moving in and out of you drive you to the edge. Your release is strong and prolonged as Loki never pauses from his duties. When he finally succumbs to his own release, you're spent. Eventually, you turn to face Loki. You lean into him for a kiss, saying, "In answer to your question. Yes, that was exactly what I wanted." You say with a soft giggle. 

Loki smiles. "Am I being kicked out now?" He asks half-jokingly. 

"When do you have to go back?" You ask. 

"Tonight."

"Spend the day in bed with me, then." You grin winningly. "Unless you think you'll be bored."

"Not if you're in it with me." Loki pulls you to him and begins nibbling along your collarbone. You hum contentedly and smile knowing the day will be spent pleasurably. 

That afternoon you and Loki were sitting on your bed eating the lunch you had brought from the kitchen. 

“How come you didn't fall in love with me?” Loki asks.

“Oh, god, where is this coming from?” You say rolling your eyes.

“Don’t worry, darling. I’m just curious.”

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Tony last night. I’m not the fall in love kind.” You say.

“What does that mean?” Loki  queries.

You shrug. “It means I don’t fall in love.”

“Ever?”

“Nope. Just, I don’t know, Loki. I feel emotions. I just don't fall in love.” You paused. “Besides, like I said, I’d hate you if you weren’t so good in bed.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” He grins.

“True. You are rather fun. I’m glad we’re friends.” You say in a rare moment of transparency. 

“With benefits?” Loki says with a smirk. 

“Hell, yeah.” You laugh. 

Before Loki left that evening he looked at you and said “Next time?” as he always does. 

“Look forward to it.” Your rote response. 

You are glad to have him as a friend. Loki didn’t judge. You could laugh, make mischief, or just be quiet together. You didn’t have to worry about his emotions running away from him either. You understood each other. Loki made things easy. And that’s the way you liked things.

Sunday morning you, Natasha, Clint, and Sam were sent on a two day mission. Nine days later, you all returned worse for wear but having accomplished your mission. Clint and Natasha helped Sam to the infirmary for some stitches. You went looking for Steve to check in. 

“F.R.I.D.A.Y., where’s Cap?” you ask. 

“Captain Rogers is in the training room.” F.R.I.D.A.Y replies. 

You see Steve and Bucky sparring as soon as you walk in. You watch them for a minute and then yell out, “On your six!” distracting Steve and giving Bucky the upper hand. Steve’s back slams onto the mat and you chuckle despite your exhaustion. 

“Really, (Y/N)?” Steve rolls to his feet.

“Payback for the shit mission we got.” You counter.

“Everyone okay?” Steve looks at you with concern. 

“Sam’s getting a small gash on his leg stitched up but that’s about it. Intel we gathered has been uploaded. I’m going to bed.” You start to turn. 

“Rest well.” Steve says. Bucky stayed silent for the entire exchange.

“K, thanks.” You say as you walk away not bothering to turn back. You take a hot shower and hit the sack. 

You awake from a nightmare with a start. 3am. You just want more sleep, but knowing it to be futile you decide to head to the kitchen. Your stomach feels absolutely empty and you still feel drained from the mission. It hadn’t been an easy one physically or mentally. You’re nearly finished making a sandwich when Bucky walks in. 

“Hey.” you say and turn back to your sandwich. 

“Hey.” he says back and goes to the fridge.

“Want a sandwich?” You ask, unsure why you’re offering to make one for the asshat.

“No...thanks.” He says and you see him start to leave. 

Setting down the knife and taking a deep breath, you say quietly, “What did I do wrong?”

“What?” Bucky turns back to you. 

“What did I do wrong?” You say a little louder. 

Bucky stares at you but says nothing. 

Frustrated you say, “I’ve wracked my brain. Gone over every discussion and interaction we have had and I can’t figure it out. What did I do to you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He turns to leave.

“Bullshit, Barnes! There has to be some reason you hate me!” You say vehemently. He just keeps walking and your temper gets the best of you. Grabbing your half drunk water bottle, you hurl it at him hitting him square in the back. “Talk to me!”

“Did you throw a water bottle at me?” Bucky says in disbelief. 

“You’re lucky it wasn’t the knife, Asshat.” You counter.

“You’ve lost your mind!” Bucky yells.

“Why do you hate me so much?” You holler back. 

“I DON’T!” He screams. 

“YES, YOU DO!” You scream back.

“WHY HIM?” 

You stare at Bucky confused. “Why who?... You mean, Loki?” 

"He's using you."

"What? No he's not."

"Yes, he is. He doesn't love you."

"I don't love him. It's not like that."

"What?" Bucky looks at you in shock.

"Loki and I are not together. We're just friends with benefits." 

"What the hell are friends with benefits?" Bucky says.

"Fuck buddies. A mutually agreed on arrangement between friends to include sex with no strings and no emotions." You explain. 

Bucky gapes at you, "And you don't care what that makes you?" 

Your blood runs cold. "What that makes me?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." Bucky backpedals.

"You think there's a name I haven't been called? I was a runaway at 14. How the fuck do you think I fed myself?" You say venomously. "Men used me my entire life. And now that I am the one that says when and who and where, I'm supposed to dress it up with hearts and flowers. Fuck. That. I'll do who and what I want."

"That's not what I meant." Bucky says. 

"What did you mean?" You glare at him.

Bucky looks at you and his face softens. "I meant you deserved better. You should be loved."

"Some of us aren't meant to be loved." You turn to go back to the kitchen but Bucky grabs your hand. 

"Everyone is meant to be loved. You are meant to be loved." Bucky says quietly. 

"No. I'm not." You say pulling your hand away. 

"Why would you say that?" Bucky pushes.

"Because I'm not someone people love. I'm not someone anyone loves. I never have been." You explain.

"That's not true." Bucky says.

"Look, Bucky, I know most people grow up with people who love them. But I didnt. I don't deserve love and I don't need it." You finish making your sandwich. 

"You're wrong." Bucky turns you around to face him. "God, (Y/N), you're so wrong. You deserve love. You deserve everything."

"You have to see the irony that the guy who hates me is the one telling me I should have love." You scoff.

"I don't hate you." Bucky says.

"Coulda fooled me." You said.

"I was jealous." He confesses. "I was angry you were with Loki."

"Why?" You say, genuinely confused. "Because I wasn't sleeping with you?"

"Because I like you, (Y/N)!" Bucky says exasperated. "You're smart and funny and beautiful and strong." 

For a moment you're stunned speechless. You couldn't meet his eyes any longer and looked away. "Don't, Bucky. Don't like me. I'm not the fall in love type. I'm not...I'm not worth your time."

"Can't I be the judge of that?" He asks.

"You don't know anything about me. And if you did, you wouldn't ask that. My past is not pretty." You say.

"I was a brainwashed Hydra assassin. I've got a pretty sketchy past, too."

"You…" 

Bucky puts his hands to your lips to stop you. When you finally look up to meet his eyes, he moves his hands to frame your face. "I don't know anything about you? On mission, you are always willing to take the shittiest job to spare anyone else. You bake treats for everyone all the time and know what everyone's favorite food is and how they take their coffee. You go out of your way to help others. You never leave a room without asking if anyone needs something. You go shopping and come back with nothing for yourself but little gifts for everyone else. You always have a joke at the ready but an apology on your lips the minute you think you've offended someone. You have the mouth of a sailor on you but the minute a kid or old folks are around you are the most charming person on the planet. You want everyone to see the brash facade you put up but you wear your heart on your sleeve without even realizing it. Whatever is in your past, is your past. We all make shit decisions in life. The person I see, she's amazing. And she is worthy. And she deserves love. She deserves everything."

You stare up at him and whisper, "I don't see her."

"She's right here. She offered to make this total 'asshat' a sandwich just because he walked in the room. Even though he's been a complete jerk to her."

"Well, Steve always calls you jerk so I figured it was your default." 

"There's that humor I mentioned." He stares into your eyes. "Give me the chance to prove you deserve love."

"I'll hurt you." You say shaking your head.

"You're scared. I'm scared, too. We can go as slow as you need." Bucky caresses your jaw.

"I don't know how to do this." You say.

"Let's start by being friends. We'll figure it out as we go." Bucky smiles at you. 

You look at him wondering how the hell this just happened but somewhere deep inside you felt a kernal of joy spring forward. Part of you wanted to believe you did deserve everything he was saying. The other part was screaming that this was a trick and you were an idiot.

Bucky can see the war going on inside you. "Gimme a chance, Doll. Please." 

You smile at him. "So...you wanna sandwich, asshat?" 

Part 5

Ok I’ll spar you guys the million screenshots!

RAE IS MAKING A MINI STORY ON THIS! Cause just cause i was bored doesn’t mean you guys have to be ill post the picture of the summary at the end

TW: death stuff, this is Danganronpa simulation by the way

Chapter 1:

The motive was freedom, the first blackened, if they can get away, they’ll be able to walk away, into the outside world. Of course, all you got to do is kill and be free, easy right?

It didn’t take long for Coleman to go mad. Just kill one person and he can leave right? Sam was alone, he can went off the explore the area they were stuck in.

It was too easy. Too easy. All it took was one clean hit to the temple, and Sam was dead. He did it. He could leave now? Right?

A body has been discovered. 

Clark screamed, seeing his brother dead on the ground. Makoto wrapped his arms around Clark tightly, he didn’t expect a murder so soon. Coleman just looked at them and laughed. He could le-

No one ever said anything about a trail. The trail...how could Coleman even defend himself? Clark and Makoto saw him over Sam’s body. It didn’t take long for the votes to be casted, as Coleman was dragged out of the room to his doomed faith.

Chapter 2:

The motive was revenge. There were a few people here who had bad blood against each other.

Liu’s eye flickered to Dorothy, that woman, costs him many things. His plan was simple, such a poor weak looking woman would not stand a chance against him.

His kill would be brutal, he wanted her to pay.

Late that night, Liu walked quietly up behind Dorothy, who was alone in the rec room. Her headphones blocked out any noises. Just as he raised the knife to kill, a body tackled him.

Shi Won Kim. The two wrestle for the knife. Dorothy took over her headphones and spun around alarm to see them fighting.

“DOROTHY!! RUN!” Was the last words like left Shi Won’s mouth when a knife was plunged through her heart.

Dorothy let out a heartbroken scream. Watching as Liu continued to stab at Won’s body. Even though Dorothy wasn’t his kill, this woman under him also screwed him over.

Dorothy darted out the room screaming still, her screams carrying down the hall to the others.

A body has been discovered

The trail was quick, Dorothy was still sobbing. It should have been her. It should have been her. Liu cursed Dorothy out as he was dragged away to his await punishment.

Chapter 3:

The motive was obsession. It was no surprise Ishigami had some admiration obsession with Akemi. It was no surprise Akemi had the obsession of keeping Makoto as her own. Despite knowing he was against her, Akemi still, chose to give Makoto her full attention.

Akemi spent whatever time she could with Makoto. Makoto would only go with her cause he knew she would not back down until he said yes.

Over the pass few days, they actually grew sort of close. Oz hated it. Seeing the way that woman laid her hands on his son. The way she called him son, telling him to call her mom. It hurt to see that Makoto did prefer Akemi over him.

Akemi could see the way Oz would look at them. She won’t have it. She won’t have this man take her son. Ishigami, would do anything for Akemi. Anything. She told him to prove his loyalty. Kill Oz.

Need say more? Ishigami followed Oz until he saw the perfect moment. The training room, Ishigami used a cord from the rec room, and choked Oz out. He watch in pleasure as Oz’s face turned blue. The last sight Ishigami saw was Oz’s body going limp, before a forced behind him broke his neck.

Two bodies have been discovered

The trail, Makoto couldn’t help but cry, he had regret. He didnt think Oz would be a victim of this game. Sure Makoto held a grudge against him, but seeing another parent dead, Oz actually being dead, it hurt. Akemi was in the hotbox. It wasn’t a secret she wanted Makoto to herself

Akemi admitted she did ask for Oz to be killed, but Ishigami she didn’t know.

Everyone stood conflicted, couldn’t they even trust this woman? She just admitted she asked for Oz to be killed. Abby sighed heavily and raised her arms up.

“It was me...”

Abby thought she could have saved Oz in time, she figured it was worth dying if she could save him. But she failed.

Makoto broke down more, not Abby.

Abby walked towards the three other members of Team Confidence. Laurent, Cynthia, and Makoto. The four of them shared a tight hug, the three of them holding Abby tightly and close. It didn’t take long for the tears to start pouring, from all four of them. Abby started to sobbed, hugging the three tighter

“Thank you....for making my life worth living..”

Abby walked willing to her execution, waving a sad goodbye to her family. (Hello I’m crying now )

Chapter 4:

The motive was lovers sickness. Being so close together for a long time sparks love between a few people.

Dorothy still heartbroken over Shi Won, Laurent dreaded over Abby’s execution. The two pervious lovers, started to lean on each other for comfort.

Clark tried his best to comfort Makoto. He hated seeing the man spending his days looking like a shell of a person.

Clark made it his mission to take care of Makoto. And to as far as starting to sleep in Makoto’s room at night. It didn’t take long, Clark..loved him. He loved Makoto. He loved him so so so so so much. His Makoto.

Over the pass few days, Makoto being to become himself again. He knew Abby and Oz would want him to keep fighting. He was going to survive for them.

Makoto went to go see how Laurent was holding up. During his time with Dorothy, Laurent learned the feeling he had for her were long gone. However, Dorothy had started falling for the Belgian man during their time together. Laurent smiled as Makoto walked up to him.

The two men hugged each other, both taking a deep breathe. Losing Abby hurt, but they will get out of this for her. Makoto melted into Laurent’s arms, as Laurent held him close. It wasn’t much, just a peck of the head. Laurent pressed his lips against Makoto’s forehead, feeling the small man melt even more into his arms

Clark felt his blood boil from a distance. How. Dare. He. Try. To. Take. His. Makoto?

That night, Laurent was heading to Dorothy’s room to talk to her about how he felt towards her. As he open the door he was me at by a horrible sight.

Dorothy’s body swung back and forth, strung up by her neck on the ceiling fan. Blood dripping from her mouth, the room was trashed like there was a struggle.

Laurent fell to his knees shaking. Not Dorothy too..

Clark busted out of the bathroom holding a bat.

Laurent and Dorothy hung side by side. Clark smiled at his work, leaving a note on the nightstand. Lovers suicide, surely everyone would believe it.

Two bodies have been discovered

Clark held Makoto during the trail. It was a suicide what are they suppose to do?

“Suicide?” Casano shook his head “its more like a homicide”

Salazar nodded in an agreement. The two men had been in a messy business long enough to know when someone was covering up a murder with a suicide. So they did have a killer. But who?

Clark couldn’t contain his laughter. Oh. He had fail. How...interesting.

“YOU COULDNT JUST LET IT HAPPEN HUH?!” Clark snapped at the two men.

Makoto’s eyes widen as he pulled himself away from Clark. “Clark-“

“What? Oh baby..” Clark smiled at him sweetly “don’t be so scared, I did it for you. For us! Don’t you get it?! Laurent was in the way of us! And I couldn’t risk his little girlfriend seeing me killing him! So I took care of her first!!”

Makoto stared into horror. This...wasn’t the Clark he knew.

Clark was dragged away to his punishment, he kept yelling for Makoto.

“Baby! I did it for you!! Please! Come on! Baby! ANSWER ME!!!”

Makoto ran to Cynthia’s arms for comfort. The redhead covered his ears to block out Clark’s yells.

Clark died with a sickness, but they never knew what that sickness was.

Chapter 5

There was no motive involve this time. Sometimes a killing really is an accident.

Cynthia and Yao were auguring by a flight of stairs. It was getting heated. Kudo overheard and went to investigate. He tried to make himself the medium. He knew he had to calm them down, cause to things got messy, Cynthia didn’t stand a chance against Yao.

The fighting got worst, as Yao got in her face, Cynthia scratched his face with her nails. The man screamed in pain and walked backwards holding his face. Before he was warned, he felt his foot fall.

The big man fell down the stairs. Now a fall down the stairs can’t kill you, unless you land on your neck just right. That was the case for Yao. The man laid at the bottom of the long flight, with a broken neck.

Cynthia started shaking. She killed him. She killed him. And now. Oh god. She’s next.

Kudo tried to calm her down. Maybe they Can reason, it was an accident! She didn’t mean too. Kudo grabbed her by her hands and lead her to the kitchen. Some tea would calm her down.

Two bodies had been discovered.

Makoto felt sick during the trail. They had found both Yao at the bottom of the stairs and Cynthia in the kitchen dead. Thomas was quiet the whole time, staring at the ground.

Just as they began the discussion, Kudo confessed.

“I’m sorry...”

Kudo explained, he knew Cynthia would have faced a horrible death. He knew she was scared. He knew there was no way around it. He wanted to lead her out of this world in peace. A poison of the tea, nothing painful. She fell sleepily and that was that. She went out in peace.

Makoto wanted to be angry, but at the same time...Kudo was taking Cynthia’s place in a horrible death.

Kudo smiled cheerily as he was lead out to his doom.

Chapter 6

It was a homestretch, the motive was given to one person, and it was self driven. It was looking they were going to make it out of here. Right?

Thomas couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to be alive anymore. He thought he could make it out of here, but after seeing Cynthia dead...something pushed him over the edge.

The next few days, Thomas begged someone to kill him. He wanted to die, he couldn’t go through with suicide, so he needed someone to kill him. Salazar tried to smack the man straight

“Would Cynthia want to see you like this.? She want you to live”

“Cynthia........please...just...I want to see her again”

Thomas’ wish was granted.

A body has been discovered

Thomas laid bleeding on the ground. His head was broken open, a bloody bat next to him.

The trail was tense. There was so little people.

Makoto looked around and scanned the faces. Everyone suspected everyone.

“I’m sorry....”

Makoto bowed “I just granted him his wish...does that really make me a horrible killer..?”

Akemi screamed, no no no no, not her son. Not him. Not him. Not him.

Salazar looked at the young man..disappointed.

Casano huffed and shook his head “a killer is a killer..but...I guess some killing can be just”

Makoto stood up “I....I’m sorry...I...” he looked up “just want to see everyone again...” a sad smile spread across his face. “When you guys get out of here...make sure a sick game like this never happens again..”

A motive was the chance to see everyone again...but there was a price.

Makoto slowly walked to his death. Akemi tried to run after him, but was held back by Salazar.

When Makoto took his last breath, a door the three had never seen opened.

It was over......but why did they be the ones to survive?

Why couldn’t...at least Makoto survived?

Field Trip With A Rich Bitch ll (Rafe Cameron X Reader)

Warnings:Ward Cameron,Mentions of Arsenic Poisoning,Mentions of heavy drugs,mentions of bipolar disorder,mentions of death,Rafe being too tall for every day life

He raised his eyebrows. “Where?”He asked.You rolled your eyes,wishing you had a bottle of wine to take a swig from in that moment. “What?You scared you’re gonna get mud on your shoes?”You asked.He sighed,scratching the back of his neck. “How far away is it?”He asked. “Nevermind,rich bitch,clearly you don't want to know the truth about your father.”You went to turn around but his hand grabbed your wrist quickly. “No,no it's not like that...I just wanna know where we’re going.”He mumbled.You pulled your hand from his grasp,staring down at him. “Come on,then.”You told him,beginning your walk outside the garage.His bike was nearly done,scratches holes and dents gone.The last thing to fix was the seat which wouldn't take long at all.He grabbed his phone,sliding it in his pocket.

He followed you out of the garage,waiting with his hands in his pockets as you pulled the garage door shut,bending over to place a lock on it.You could feel him staring at you. “Stop being a perv.”You grumbled,clicking the lock shut and stood back up.You could see the red blush on his cheek,spreading down his neck and ears.He was so easy to fluster.It was hilarious.Rafe had beat the living hell out of multiple teenagers,made some children cry with a glance and came from one of the most powerful families.But here you were,bossing him around,making him blush and causing him to stutter out apologies.You had that power over most people.Some kooks called you a demon and you embraced it.Most people didn't know it but you had the word tattooed on your thigh with two devil horns hovering over it.You were manipulative,assertive and strong.

You had the charm and the looks to get people to like you without knowing you and you had the glare that made the hair on the back of people’s necks stick up straight.You hadnt always been like that,only becoming this emotionless ball of rage after Ward Cameron had destroyed everything that made your life worth living.The beautiful thing was you had Ward Cameron’s one and only son wrapped around your finger and there was nothing he could do about it.Rafe was deprived of attention.Not only was Ward a terrible person but a terrible father as well.Rafe was desperate for attention now and if you gave him the attention he wanted he was all yours.You knew that and deep down he knew it too. “We’ll take the woods,I can't risk being seen with you.”You walked around the back of the garage.It was a steep hill full of rocks and some poison ivy.You knew where not to step and Rafe did his best to step the same places you did.You were pretty far ahead of him,around ten feet.Down the hill was a narrow pavement trail,cracks and holes all over it. “Anyone ever told you that you walk slow for a tall person?”You asked.

He grinned to himself,trying not to fall while also trying not to hit his head on any branches. “How long do you think we’ll be out for?”He asked.You shrugged. “Maybe an hour.”You replied,walking along the narrow pavement.Rafe wasn't used to being in the woods,at least not this deep in the woods,he was jumping at every noise. “Do you think that was a wolf?” “No.” “Did you hear that?” “No.” “Oh my god-what if there's a dead body out here?” “Rafe.We’re going to a cemetery,if there are no dead bodies then that would be a problem.” “I hate cemeteries.” “Well that sucks for you.” As you were coming to the end of the narrow pavement into the grass Rafe jumped from the crunch of a twig,grabbing onto you and pulling you to his chest.You stood stiff,his arms tightening around your waist as he listened for more sounds. “Are you going to let go of me or will I have to drag you?”You asked.He let go of you with a huff. “Do you think we should head back?”He asked.You sighed.

This was what you got from bringing a kook into the woods. “You're such a pussy.”You sighed,continuing your walk.He kept kicking the back of your heel by accident because he was so close behind you.You two walked onto the grass,looking across the field at the gravestones,benches and statues.He had come here a few times for late night drug deals and drinking with Kelce and Topper.It was a creepy old place that always made him shiver.Beer cans and red solo cups littered the ground from his previous trips here.You sighed as you looked across the graveyard to one corner,the one furthest away.He watched as you began your walk across the field.Most of the graves were covered in pollen and dirt splotches,the grass almost as tall as the stones themselves.It was gross and unkept and smelled like weed and cheap beer from gas stations.His feet were sinking into the mud,causing him to grumble something about how annoying it would be to clean them.He dragged his feet as he followed you to one large stone with vines growing up the sides.There were muddy streaks across the names like someone had tried to wipe it clean with a dirty hand.

 “Rafe,meet my parents.Mom,Dad meet the rich bitch.”You sighed,standing in front of the grave.Rafe’s eyes widened,his chest tightening.You grinned at his reaction. “What?”You asked.He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out.What was he even supposed to say?Sorry your parents are dead and ended up in this shitty cemetery.Sorry I dealt cocaine by your parents grave.Sorry half those beer cans are mine. “Close your mouth Rafe,you look like a trout.”You smirked.He closed his mouth,gulping and tapping his leg nervously. “I bet you’re wondering what your dad has to do with this.”You spoke,observing his expression.He nodded,looking at the date on the grave.They had both died on the same day of 2004 which meant you were only two years old at the time. “You ever wonder how your father got all that money in the first place?Cause I can tell you it's definitely not whatever bull shit story he’s been telling everyone.”You used the sleeve of your yellow shirt to wipe the dirt off your parents’ names.He bit the inside of his cheek,waiting for you to continue. 

“Your dad was a dealer.He was my parents dealer.Im not talking about weed either,I mean the heavy shit.Heroin,crack,xanax.What kind of asshole deals xanax?Anyways,he sold to my parents and when they tried to get off the stuff he convinced them to keep buying from him.When they found my ma’s body they found that same heavy shit in her system.But here’s where the story gets really interesting.Not only did they find the heroin but guess what they found.Guess.”You ordered him.He blinked,glancing between you and the grave. “I-I dont know.”He mumbled.You nodded. “Arsenic.Your shitty father poisoned the drugs he gave my parents.WHo does that?”You sighed,flicking a bug off of the grave stone.He bit his lip as he took in this new information. “And he didnt get arrested or charged or anything?”He asked.

You laughed. “What do you think?You think Sarah Cameron would exist?You think you’d live in that big house with all of that nice stuff and your fancy ass gold plated spoons?No.None of that would be possible if your father got what he deserved.You know what your father got?A nice house,millions of dollars,a handsome son and multiple yachts.Thats what he got after killing my parents.You know what I had to grow up with?A one bedroom house with three cousins and a bipolar aunt.Thats what I got.”You ranted,tears stinging in your eyes as you got louder and louder.He didn't say anything,scared that only squeaks would come out.You bit your lip to hold back to the tears,the water leaking from your eyes and down your cheeks as you laughed. “And now my aunt and my baby cousin are dead too!”You gestured to the grave next to you. “And you know what else?I've had to work for 12 years of my life and you know where I live?In a shitty house thats falling apart and all I do is work on cars and bikes every single day and I cant even feel my hands anymore and I have fucking broken toes from kneeling all day and I cant even afford to go to a fucking hospital.And the only person that I can blame is your dad.”You wiped the tears from your face with your sleeves,smearing dirt across your cheekbone.

His bottom lip quivered,fingertips going numb as he listened to you.Something compelled him to step forward,grabbing your waist gently and pulling you into a hug.You did not fight him.If it were under any other circumstances then telling him that his father had been a drug lord,killed your parents,ruined your life and caused you to work every day of your life then maybe you wouldn't have accepted the hug.You never thought you’d be hugging Rafe Cameron,or any kook for that matter. “I can um...I can bring you to the hospital to get your toes fixed.”He offered.You laughed into his chest,getting tears on his shirt. “Wow,thanks.”You whispered,laughing again.He gulped,resting his chin on your head.It seemed that you had both needed a hug.You were holding onto him so tightly,holding fistfulls of his shirt in your hands.He hadnt hugged anyone in years and it seemed that you hadnt either. “Do yourself a favor and don't turn into your father.And if you keep going down the path you’re going down now then you’ll end up just like my parents.”You sighed.He frowned.

You sounded like one of those commercials of people staring at the camera with crocodile tears running down their faces as they talked about some loved one who had died and how drugs weren't the answer.You probably didn't know though,it wasn't like you could afford cable.He just nodded,knowing you did not need his attitude right now. “(Y/N).”He mumbled.You hummed,closing your eyes.You didnt cry often and never in front of people but when you did cry it stung like hell.You couldn't exactly rub your eyes with your fingers either because they had traces of oil and chemicals. “What if we piss my father off and get him to confess to the murders?”He asked.You sniffled,looking up at him with puffy eyes. “How?”You asked.

Part Three will be up this weekend!

@gabbismith​

The mercs with an s/o who is on the autism spectrum? If you want to

 as a person with diagnosed autism( ASD that later changed to SCD but concidering my countrys lack of proper diagnosis and non-existant support when i was growing up, im not sure,it might was a result of chronic abuse or i was a really weird kid) its my duty to answer this ask,

always know that you are perfect with all your imperfections 

just because maybe your brain is wired different it doest make you less of a person

you are poetry

Scout

-my boy has adhd ( probably undiagnosed until he was examined by Medic) so you two might have a little problem at the begining.

-he might be the closest to a jack russel in human form, but he cares about you and is willing to sit down and do his research so he can understand you and your struggles. He isn’t a hypocrite, he is a hyperenergetic bundle of daddy issues and is sure he will annoy you from time to time, he annoys pretty much everyone except his mom on rare occasion, he is a hanfull and he knows that years now. But he also has come to understand that everyone has struggles and little things that make them more special than others.

-if you have problems with communication , he’ll be your mouth .Problems with sensory overstimulation? he will escort you to the safest place and hug you tighter than he thought hes capable of. People mistreating or bullying/insult you? the bat is in his hands and his ready to hit home runs on their balls. You might not be the perfect couple, you will struggle like every couple and have fights and arguments, but he is ready to phase every difficulty that comes on your way. He loves you and he is here for the ride even if its bumpy.

Soldier

-( I and i think a big part of the community claim he is actually autistic) Probably the most tricky of the mercs, since at one side he might completely relate/understand you and the relationship go smoother than soft butter on bread, or he might have problems communicating the relationship problems with you.

-as all relationships you two must sit down and communicate your problems. Believe me he isn’t mentally retarded ( a horrible misconsumption ive seen being thrown around), yes he is stubborn and can’t read social cues to save his life, but he is a loyal beefcake with a golden heart hardened by a lifitime of war. He knows he isn’t the perfect man, he has nightmares and panic attacks on the regualr after so much trauma in his life. But he also knows that if he S/O needs him, it doesnt matter if its a small or big thing, he is ready to go through hell and back to make them happier or more comfortable 

-you can’t stand loud noises? copy that privet, he will stop yelling/ screaming around you. Certain things make you uncomfortable/ anxious? hes at your side and he is ready to snap necks...you have his heart and his adoration, he ain’t a coward or a pansy, you’ll win over any challenge that comes your way like the absolute unit you are and he is there to assist

Pyro

-fresh from the start they can recognise you have autism, i lowkey think they might be ( actually in young adults asd and mild schizophrenia can be mixed and confused by not good qualified doctors, its been years since i read that study so correct me if im wrong) or have really good gut insticts. Either way, they know you are struggling and trie in subtle ways to help you

-did an important call without stuttering? hug and smooch on the crown of your head, completed all your work/homework? they will cover you in stickers and cuddle you in their pillowfort, stood up for yourself? my girl theyll make a huge cupcake tray and youll two will eat while watching sappy disney films

- you won’t struggle as much, i see them as more easy going than other members of the team. But they also have big issues that may create problems in the relationship that you both need  to work on. They are more than a handfull and they aren’t unaware of it, they spended years locked inside their own head doing god-knows how vile and harming things to their mentality and body, they can’t believe they are alive and they wake up every day next to the most beautifull human being they have come across their lif, ( Y/n). You will bond slow but strong , you are their sunshine and theyll make sure their sunshine shines no matter what they have to do

Engie

( lowkey i think is canon he has some form of high-functioning autism, just hide its behind the southern warm and soft hospitality)

- when you confess, he hugs you ( a big thing coming from him since i dont consider him a touchy fella)  and returns the confession that he is too. He knows each person experiences different so he won’t press you for explanations or description of what you have is excactly. He just assures whatever happens, he is there to help you with

- doesn’t really change how he views you, but he takes the initiative for things like talking to strangers, calling to order or things that you struggle with, but he doesnt baby you. You are an adult person and will be treated as that, even if sometimes he feels he needs to “help” or “protect” you

-one of the most  easy going of the mercs, but his work is his priority so there will be long arguments about it. He understands your frustation, but he is a workaholic years now before you came in his life and can’t bring himself to change that. His work is his routine, the only comfort he knows and the only place that accepted him for who he is. But, he will be more elastic and have more breaks/ days off even if it means the project will be finished an hour or two later, unless it has an urgent deadline. He knows he can be very cold and emotionless, he is an engineer, not a spy for that reason. Furthermore he has his own times when he is stubborns or has an anger explosion because something broke/didnt meet his expectations or got way too invested into something that turned to be worthless/ uselless so he isn’t the one to judge if you are in a sour mood or you have your own “ explosion”. After all said and done, late at night when you are both alonein his workshop he will just cradle you in his arms and make a silence promise to always be there for you through thin and thick ( as we say to go through 40 waves and 40 more ) because you are something that no machine or creation can emulate or recreate, you are ( Y/N) and you are the love of his life.

Demo

-arguably one of the three more knowledgable of the mercs in the topic of mental health department. Being raised in an orphanage i doubt he didnt had at least a dozen other kids who had from high to moderate to severe autism ( during the 20th century it wasnt uncommon for people with autism to be thought less human or that the family of said people couldn’t provide for them in severe cases so theyd be dropped on orphanages and psychiatric hospitals)., so he has some first hand experiene with what autism is. It isn’t something for him in all honesty, after so much trauma and hardship in his life he is at peace that peopleare different and their brains are rarely wired the same

-he also know he isn’t ideal, he acts really stupid when he is drunk and his alcohol consumption alone is a very big problem for any relationship he ever had in his life and i doubt he is the image of psychological perfection, but he also knows that if you are willing to keep him around you have seen him wasted out of his mind, he is more than willing to put up with anyof your quirks or difficulties.

-you want to stim? go ahead he’ll leave the room/the house so you can stim to your hearts content, you want to stay? sure thing lass, hell sit in a corner and drink a bit while you have your thing. Work/ school/ home life is stress full and you are in the verge of a breakdown? he has already wrapped you like a burrito and he is holding you while you cry/vent, you dont want to be touched at that moment? hell take you to an open field and you can blow things up to get all those feelings out of you. He isn’t ideal, he is at peace with that, but now that you appeared in his life, you became the apple of his eye. He’ll cherish you and protect you both as body but as a mind and a soul for whatever shit life throws at you, he was never one to back down a challenge.

Heavy

-due to the language barrier and his nature as a quiet man it’ll take him some time. If you bring it up he’ll simply nod and run to Medic or Spy for translation. He isn’t shy to do a doctors worth of research so he knows what he has to deal with, he knows his english is broken and would prefer to have a migraine over the amount of books hes read than make you feel uncomfortable. Probably will ask advice from Medic ( the most qualified on the team) untill hes satisfied he knows enough.

-probably the sanest of the mercs, but he isn’t perfection. He had to endure famine and death from very early in his life, always be the stone his family anchored on and most people on his life, so he has his own big problems. At one side he is used to so many things, he is somewhat indiferent. You aren’t harming anyone nor its life threatening, so it doesnt really change what he feels about you. All people have flaws, noones perfect and if they do think they are perfect, they are very, very wrong. I won’t lie to you, some times hell get confuse with your behavior or will get tired of being the “ anchor” of the relationship, but he will never admit it. He survived the Gulags and years in Siberia, this is nothing but a walk in the park for him. He isn’t a fuckboy, he doesn’t want you just for some fuck and then hell forget you exist, he is much more sentimental than he appears to be. He beginned this with you because he sees you more than a body, he sees you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with even if itll be a challenge, he was never a quiter and he wont be now.

- don’t expect much communication help from him, unless its in russian. But whenever you feel the tiniest bit of self-doubt or anxiety his arms are open to embrace and warm you with  his love. He might was raised among anarchy and war, but he is a gentle giant with a heart bigger than Russia herself. He knows you two will struggle especially on the communication domain but he is willing  to do what it takes to make your life easier/ less challenging. He came here to stay, only if you allow him 

Medic

-Arguably the most medically qualified of the mercs, but considering the era of his studies hes at least rusty on modern terminology and general understanding of what autism is. Nontheless his a doctor ( with or without a medical license) and i doubt he ever followed the rules of ethical and unethical medicine. He is a healer primeraly and he can’t claim to be the most mentaly stable of the team.

-he might be many things, he knows hes at least crazy by normal standards and has made extremely questionable choices in his life,but he cares for the people he is close to, lovers and collagues alike. He won’t try to ‘change’or ‘medicate’ you; unless you specifically ask him for, like yes he has defied any sort of ethical medicine and has played god many times in his life, but he knows that if he changes you, you won’t be ‘you’. You will be you still, but nothing more than a lobotomized version of yourself and he fears that. Let’s be real, he probably choosed you because you are a smart individual ( that includes both street and book smarts alike) so if he “killed” your smart he would essentially kill you and this doesnt sit well with him.

-feeling down? no worries, the doctor is here ( afterhe finis hes re-connecting snipers new kidneys). Stressed? Archimedes will be your own personal cheerleader and the rest of the flock won’t let you all stressed and alone while Medic is working. In the simplest of works,he wants you to know that  he might be a madman on the field and the medbay, but he is also your lover and that means he cares about you. He doesnt care if act a lil strange or you have some special things about you, guess what? he doesnt cares. H e never cared and he will never cared, all the greatest minds had something  special about them and you are no exception. He chosed to have a relationship with  you and you accepted the love request of a surgery-happy maniac , im sure he is beyond equiped to handle you in all aspects. He might not be the most touchy but he will make his point across that you are someone who means wayy to much for him to change

Sniper

- ( i highly think he is autistic, just the way hes potrayed in most fanfics he acts lowkey autistic, mostly in the communication and sociable part) growing up in the middle of nowhere probably he has never even heard ‘autism’ as a word , so his very lost. (another headcanon of mine is that he is also iliterate) You need to explain to him what autism is and how it affects your life. He has a non-pleasant expression on his face, because he realises most things that you say what that “autism”is and the thing it has are things he actually  has and felt throughout his life. He looks like hes having a religious expierience and when you are done he only nods and hugs you almost mechanically.

-he will need some time, not because ofyou, but because of him. You might think he is breaking up with, butin reality he just needs some time alone to sit down and think about all the things you said. Its one of the biggest revalations he has experienced on his life and it has hit him like a wall of bricks.

- after a few days he will return to the base and will ask you to meet with him on the most secluded of his snipers nest. While you prepare for the upcoming breakup, he actually showers and wears somet hing nice for the first time in a while. He goes out of his way to make the sniper nest a bit more “ comfortable” even bribe spy into giving him one of his fancy wines. Once you go up the nest and you two meet, he is the most clingy he has ever been and almost drinks the whole bottle out of pure anxiety. Once his tipsy enough he actually confesses that from the things you said, he found out hes also autistic. Que him basically clinging you like a broken koala baby while half-sobbing to expell all the tension he  has inside him. Please pet his hair and rub his back,he will melt and quit his rugged manly man persona for that moment. He needs you there, he needs your soft touch to ground him while his whole life comes crushing down and a weight he never imagined is being lifted from his shoulders.After that, its quaranteed you two won’t be seperated ever again, he needs you to ease all this pain he has gathered from his troubled life and he will provide you the world and the stars.

Spy

- he knows what autism is( as a spy he should know about human psychology/mental disorders just to know how to impersonate any person with or without issues) and he is a very observant man. He has above average attention span and knows how to read body language so he has figured you are autistic a long time ago. He is just waiting for you to open up about it or confess it, but he also knows the social stigma around autism so he keeps his mouth shut because he really doesn’t want you  to feel uncomfortable or ‘naked’ in front of him

- i heavily headcanon him to be at least depressed/having an ugly anxiety disorder or even a dissosiative disorder considering a big part of his life is carefully crafted theater , so he can’t say he is any more better than you.Furthermore he never really cared about what society thinks about mental ilnesses, whos here to judge who sane and not? he has seen so much shady things behind closed doors of “ pure” people he has lost all respect for what society thinks its normal and what is weird or not acceptable. Yes he follows the rules of “good” society but thats more of a habit than a need. Plus have you seen what the good ol’ society behind close doors? yap youll need a good bible study and some church to wash away the sins.

-eventually when you confess to him,he doesn’t really act. He knows its a heavyemotinal moment for you but he can’t open up for his own problems, at least now. But he will embrace you for now and say all the sweet words you need to hear...untill the same time he gets drunker than he can and confesses to you in french all his psychological troubles while he cries on your chest. He won’t let go unless he wants to vomit and he will cling to you for dear life while he experiences one of the ugliest meltdowns he has experienced in the last decade. Probably will wake up with a monster of a hangover, but once he feels you wrapped around him and feel your heartbeat on the bones of his back something will meltin him. He will gather whatever strenght he has, turn around, give you one of the most genuine smiles he has ever given in his entire life and peck your lips bore he starts whining and requiesting you to either kill him or fetch medic. Perhaps one day hell say all the things he wants to say in you mother tongoue but for now, just know he will cherish you and love you like the most exquisite poetry that has graced his life

WOOO POG DREAM SMP AU

theres 1.8k words and 9,393 characters of a schlatt au below the cut LMAO

[i was rambling to my friend and this is what came out of it! send me an abt it if u have questions i would love to talk abt it more pls]

(slight body horror/gore tw!!)

slams fists on table rattling any dishes on the table au where schlatt doesnt die of a heartattack and tubbo locks him up to rot basically and his horns grow into his eyes effectively blinding him and chained his hands together and basically a leash on him to keep him from moving around in his cell so he cant do anything to break the horns off before they get too long and one day when technos breaking into lmanberg he gets chased into the prison and loses them in the halls before coming across schlatts cell and schlatts calling out like 'whos there i can hear ur foot steps whos there please someone whos there' etc yk and technos speechless they thought they executed him to keep him from causing any more problems in the country but this is this is just much worse than anything he even thought theyd do and hes standing in front of schlatts cell just looking at him as if hes imagining it he knew lmanberg was bad but holy fuck they just let this man rot in a cell to the point of his own horns blinding him and giving him no aid or way to ease the pain so he makes himself known and schlatt 'ive never been so happy to see, well, hear an anarchist in my life, its good to see- hear you technoblade' and chuckles and blood runs down his face like tears would, few drops landing on his clothes before techno starts trying to get into the cell to take him out of there he cant leave him here sure he was an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but he had standards and now that schlatt wasnt in power he had nothing against him really considering he isnt a citizen of lmanberg so he manages to pick the locks enough to get him out of there, schlatts arm slung over technos shoulder they stumble out of the prison building and as they slowly make their way to the nether portal to get back to technos base, they run into tubbo and quackity, schlatts old right hand men and they try to stop techno bc hes well an anarchist terrorist w a murder record but the glare techno gives them levels them and theyre left staring at each other for a moment when schlatt 'whyre we stopped whos there tech' and techno mumbles 'tubbo and quackity schlatt' and schlatt just furrows his brows as far as he can without sending excruciating pain into his eye sockets before he purses his lips and asks 'are they going to try and stop us?' techno looks back at the other two 'no they wont, isnt that right boys?' tubbo and quackity slink away allowing techno and schlatt to the portal and them going thru, schlatt still silent as he tries not to trip over technos cape or off the ledge of the bridge passing over the lava lakes, they make it to the portal and begin the walk across the arctic tundra to technos house, philza isnt there right now so its just the two of them and techno leads him up the ladder to his room (its not really a room i think its just a bed, a bell and an enchantment table) and sits him down on his bed mumbling something abt being right back and he is with some medical supplies and a change of clothes to clean everything up, they dont talk techno works in silence and when schlatt winces he mumbles a small apology before continuing eventually techno got schlatt as cleaned up as you can get someone w horns in their eyes and a sweater to keep him warm and finally starts asking questions 'how long had u been in there' 'lost count' 'did they bring you food' 'a chests worth at the beginning of the month' techno sighs 'i thought they executed you' 'tubbo chickened out despite me being 'an active threat to our peace in lmanberg' and locked me up a few days after u set the withers loose and dropped off a chest of food once a month and most of them refused to talk to me others couldnt even make eye contact with me, other than the few instances where they said things like 'heres ur food' or 'u deserve this' or 'i cant believe tubbo let u live' i talked to no one other than myself for however long i was in there' techno stands and walks around for a moment before flipping some pages and schlatt can hear him gasp quietly in mild surprise 'what is it tech' looking in the direction he heard techno from and techno says, turning to face schlatt on his bed 'schlatt that was almost 3 months ago' a single beat of silence rings for what feels like forever 'oh. i, i didnt think itd been that long. though it would explain my current predicament' loosely gesturing towards his face 'oh right abt that i have a few questions if ur ready to answer some' schlatt hums and techno grabs a pen and paper and sits next to him in case he needs to take any notes for future reference 'how fast do ur horns normally grow' 'idk just a steady amount my whole life pretty much' 'will they ever stop growing' 'they generally stop growing around 30 and continue to grow more in width than length' 'did anyone who brought u food notice' 'they grow quickly and by the time the person w the third chest came around they were getting close to my eyes but they didnt listen to me, no one did' he sighs looking down at would be his hands 'the odds of both of my horns growing into my eyes and blinding me like this are so low but of course it would happen to me' a chuckle void of any amusement 'because losing my country and my people and my power wasnt enough already' techno stands up 'you had that coming' schlatt actually laughs this time, short and curt 'ok fair, u were the one that took me down afterall' and from then on schlatt lives w techno and phil and eventually tommy and then without tommy (tommy was Not happy when he found out that schlatt was living with techno but he needed somewhere to stay too and techno happens to live in an arctic tundra where only a handful of people know how to get to so he didnt complain too much) and eventually techno saws off schlatts horns at the bend adn removes them from his eyes bc if they kept growing into his head theyd hit his brain and kill him on top of blinding  him and techno gags and almost throws up despite not being sensitive to gore  and gives schlatt a bandanna to cover the holes in his head for everyones sake and once they heal somewhat he can find something else out and thats how they live, schlatt helps with what he can like farming w phil but mostly spends his time learning braille or something so he can read and techno gets him books in braille so he isnt bored or alone like he was in the prison and he feeds him and takes care of him and schlatt is funny and entertaining despite being blinded by something from his own body and the torture it was like to rot in a cell alone for almost a 1/4 of a year and nights when techno gets home late and hes shaken and the voices are bad schlatt will sit behind him and play with his hair and talk abt his own day and rub technos back and in return when schlatt relapses and gets violent and angry techno will wash his hair and read him stories until he calms down and hopefully asleep and no one told him the news that wilbur died so when ghostbur shows up and starts talking to him he treats him the same as he would wilbur bc he cant see that hes a ghost all thats different is his speech pattern and overall personality and one day he says 'ur different wilbur what happened to that, i dunno spark u used to have' and wilbur simply 'im not sure if im being honest a lot abt me has changed since i died, or so im told i dont remember much from when i was alive' and schlatt just 0_0 and then hes scrambling down the ladder and stumbling around the house looking for techno, finding him in the basement working on something and when he gets there hes out of breath and his hands are shaking bc holy shit wilburs not only dead but a ghost and he was just talking to me and he doesnt remember what i did and and and and techno is shocked to see schlatt in the basement and asks whats up and schlatt just 'wilbur died wilbur fucking died tech why didnt anyone tell him and now hes a ghost hes a fucking ghost who lives in ur house and doesnt remember anything he doesnt remember that he blew up lmanberg does he he remembers my name but not anything that i did what hes a fucking ghost techno hes a ghost holy fuck' and technos just standing there like ??? no one no one told him 'yea philza had to kill him after he blew up lmanberg i thought u knew thats why i didnt say anything' oh. 'phil, phil had to kill him?' 'yea its a touchy subject, dont bring it up' and simply goes back to what he was working on so schlatt sits on the ground by the ladder and listens to him work his brain going a mile a minute trying to comprehend whats going on 'would i have become a ghost if theyd chosen to execute me?' 'its hard to say im unsure if theres specific circumstances that contribuite to someone becoming a ghost but theres really no telling' and goes back to working yet again and from then on they fall into an easy schedule of techno going out and doing whatever an anarchist terrorist w a murder record does on ur average wednesday and schlatt stays home reading and organizing whatever he can based on size and feeling and sleeping in windowsills and schlatt greeting techno comes home beaten up and full of new resources and a side of bruises and cuts so he tends to them, getting better at maneuvering and functioning without needing to see then techno making dinner and then curling up by the fire for the night enjoying each others company as they talk abt their days :]

Life Ambition

It's my newly desired passion. It's my drive to become the greatest. It's my goal to make a difference.

One of the good benefits of this, is despite the holidays spent alone, I'm so sure that whomever I date next, will be the one I spend the rest if my life with....and I'm ok with not having you in my life..it means not just this Christmas being alone...its the new years, the Valentine's day, the birthdays......july 4th......they suck to the extent, it's sometimes hard to even take part in them....but now...im aware I'll be spending the next few years enduring waking up alone and going to bed alone, with only seeing the same faces that have never changed.

I looked at the thought of when I do have a life with someone, even if I married at 35 and we lived till we were 90-95, dude that's still 65 years that I get to spend with someone....dude, that's literally 65 Christmases, 65 New Years, 65 Valentine's, 65 Anniversaries......

For me that's well over half my age. I know what I want to do, and It's been the worse past few years. However, I'll know going through what ive been through....what I'm enduring now....its all going to be worth it.....so if it just so happens to never speak to you again...thats fine with me, it sucks you won't be there...but I think about 35, I think of how that's ten years from now. I can't help but think about that's 10 years into a possible professional soccer player.....i feel so passionate about it, and it's the only thing that's helped me find my self. I see and can feel just how much better I get everytime I hit the field. I was told I was always meant to do great things, and I never could really think of anything that captured me. The military, yea sure, but that wad the easy way out. I had to experience life first. It's what I've been enduring that makes me more and more ambitious to make sure I soar above and beyond. At least the career can provide me what I need to get my wife, gf, fiance, whoever at the time, I can afford not only the date nights, but I can actually possibly buy her a decent sized engagement ring. I'm not in a hurry to be tied to someone, because once you're committed, it's not all about me anymore. I won't be just thinking for myself. I'm thinking of my future wife's feelings and what she wants. Then even way later down the road, we'll have kids, and I'll have to think of them too.

The point is, this time period of our lives is meant for us to have that one on one time. The time frame where you should take a step back and think about what you really want to do in life. If the life you live is leading you on that dream. It's more than getting married and just spending rhe rest of your life with someone. If anything, if it's possible, I hope you cross my path in ten years, because I might be crazy.....I still only see myself being with you...if that's how long it's going to be then so be it...i have five under my belt and the years will come and go faster than i think, and I'll be to busy trying to accomplish my dream...

I never thought I could be a professional athlete...i can't help but feel so determined, and this felt like a legitimate thing....i mean trying to join the military, I couldn't see myself going to boot camp, and i get that it hurt when I was denied. It felt like I was stuck...but I've learned everything I possibly needed to learn.....maybe I'm an idiot, but I've always been too selfless. I've had a rough time growing up. I miss it, but its not something id live through again. I'm ok with whatever you choose to do. That's literally not going to bring me down or make me sad when i see you're the only like on the post that I'm not allowed to see. It's good that you keep yourself from me, because my dreams are si much bigger than anything I've ever dreamed... it's a long way to go, and I'm siked to make sure i get there. This feels right more than anything

You realized as much as I blamed you for everything, you did break my heart, you really really hurt me. I know I hurt you just as well. I was in a dark place......i still have my days...it sucks you're not here.....i do hate every holiday that I haven't or won't get to spend with you, and that's every Valentine's day that you're not mine....that's every new years eve ball dropping bringing in the new year kiss that we won't get to have.....its not going to be you that gets to say I do to me on my wedding day......

I'd like to hope so......

But I remember my current mission...

I have to start somewhere, tryouts are fixing to start, and I'm fucking ready. I feel more confident this year. It feels good to know that it's not much but my family being the only ones being here for me. Jeremy taking me to and from the tryouts in Peachtree City. I mean it's nice to be more determine when you think of everything they have done for you and how they helped me more than I thought.....i just try harder so they didn't do all those things for nothing. You did help me get where I am now.

Something I realized today, you saved me well before I saved myself. Do you realize you gave me a life to take take care of? Tripp. If I didn't have him, I know I would've been so much worse.....i think of how he held the perfect balance with becoming lost but not gone astray....so thank you....the fact I had to think of not only my life but to feel tripps life in my hands...it kept me from really really losing myself and or going to jail. I just know how much worse it could have been... Thank you for Tripp....btw he's still an asshole. It really did fuck me up everytime we had to walk away.....i hate it now....but I'm going to do me and set out to accomplish my dream.....

I'll get through the next few holidays.

And I'll get to where I'm going

Im excited to be able to let you go

It's about time

Its time for putting my self first

And make something out of my life

I got this...

If I didn't go through what i did, I would still be lost.... I'm ok without you......but it still and it will always be a scar that hurts. It just really makes me more ambitious. I love what the pain has done for me.....much as it sucked......we didnt much time spent....but yet you saved me more than you know. I know the only thing we can agree on now is the fact of wished things didn't turn out the way they did.....i guess that's enough for me..... enough to not be angry and to not want to bother you. Take care. Have a merry Christmas @radbakon

17. CZECH REPUBLIC

Benny Christo - “Kemama”

So first off, thank you for the nice commens. 😇The past few months haven’t been the happiest time for me, so thank you for your patience as I scraped my bearings together for another post! 😁

So I will now extend that same sympathy to Benny Christo, whom I think I damn fucking underrated. Let’s jump in~

ENTRY ANALYSIS

As one may expect i INSTANTLY liked “Kemama” because you know, it’s a fun, laid-back, tropical afro-breeze, completely different from anything else we would see in NFs and the year. EXACTLY the type of song I was hoping the Czech NF would deliver (and deliver they did, see NF Corner). This level of mild like swung into strong unironic like upon realizing that the title is a contraction of “Okay Mother” 😍 and the song deals with the subject of overcoming racially-tinged discrimination and rising above the hate. That just feels very poetic and apt? “Kemama” felt like the entry that had to overcome the highest odds in order to earn the respect it so fully deserves, and still hasn’t fully reached it.

.In our Western European bubble, comprised mostly of gays and left-liberal straights, we have a very grateful and universal acceptance of many different kinds of [lizard] people that make up Eurovision casts. Yet with “Kemama” we may have reached  an unusually grimy undercurrent of coded racism. 

Of course nothing I read was outrageously rancid, than Cod for that. The worst statement I read was a double-whammy of “EWW THIS ISN’T CARIBBEANVISION” and “WHY WOULD SOMEONE FROM *KENYA* WANT TO REP CZECHIA IN EUROVISION?”, and yes they first got the continent wrong and then *also* got the country wrong in the follow-up post and then they were torn limb from limb by a pack of aformentioned left-liberals. I’m sorry but i can’t not have any other response than laughter in the face of yet another fucking MORON faceplanting themselves with words like a... racist JK Rowling if you will?

Still, while I never read something outright vile about Benny doesn’t mean I found his deniers really annoying and they were! Think “Ew Solovey is ‘Too Aggressive’ it will NEVER DO WELL IN ESC”, a statement that isn’t coded nor racist (and yet extremely false and misguided), functioned as a similar idea by the same minds. A statement borne from the same breed of narrow-minded stubbornness which has caused elitist morons to be all “there is **SOMETHING** about “Kemama” i do *NOT* like and I cannot lay my finger on it... but I **DO NOT** like it at ALL. It won’t ever qualify because everyone will think the same way I do” -- Eurovision snobs, tiptoeing around racial coda in January 2020.

 They would also insist that Benny was “arrogant” because he was seemingly impervious to their (de)constructive criticism. Like, if you were a biracial butterfly living in a slavic country who had to deal with statements such as the above on a regular basis, you WOULD block out the noise. And if you heard them often enough you will start to block them out pre-emptively. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW COPING MECHANISMS WORK?? (oh wait you’re white-privileged. Nevermind 🙄)

 So naturally, when Benny decided that he would revamp “Okay Mother” by adding in MORE African elements it only made me love him even more lol. 😍 Was it a bull-headed, contrarian and possibly really stupid decision? Yes, yes and absolutely yes. Was it worth it? Well he managed to incite even more meltdowns in a group of people I feel nothing but contempt for, so hell yeah? Eurovision was cancelled anyway so who cares how much ‘worse’ “Kemama” actually got. 

Okay, so we’ve arrived at the revamp.

Granted, it wasn’t the best ‘vamp, I’d be a fool to deny it. The new elements threw a wrench in the melodic balance of the song. Out went tropical laid-back fun, IN went that fucking guitar oh my god this is some Hotel FM piano levels of overbearing I swear. (nb: this still didn’t stop me from ironically stanning Hotel FM’s lame asses anyway 😍). However, it made the personal backstory that I loved and savoured take a backseat to the now inferior composition. 😭

Regardless, New Kemama was fundamentally the same song, and I fundamentally liked Old Kemama, so whatevs, it made no different to me. In the eyes of many Eurovision diehards we were experiencing WORST PRESHOW SEASON EVER (after three songs... lol) and nothing clinches this brainworm more than a revamp announcement. “OH MY GOD HE WILL RUIN IT! I CAN GUARANTEE YOU I *WON’T* LIKE IT”. Self-fulfilling prophecies, ya know? It certainly didn’t help when the official channel accidentally uploaded a vid with broken soundmixing (‘OMG HORRIBLE LAST IN THE SEMI!!!!’ calm the ever-loving HELL down) and took another FULL WEEK to upload the correct vid. The damage had already been done. Typing "SEE I TOLD YOU THE REVAMP WOULD BE SHITE HA HA HA” in the Kemama comment box really just is the ESC equivalent of reponding with “Actually, *all* lives matter :smug:” to a BLM support pamphlet, isn’t it?

NF CORNER

While not my favourite NF of the bunch, I found the Czech NF to be lowkey epic. Not epic enough to remember its name but regardless Czechvision or whatever marked the end of an era because it was also the last selection spearheaded by Jan Bors :o

I think I’ve made it clear enough in the past that I’m somewhat mixed on Bors Era Czechia - Lake Malawi were a toetapping good, Ickolas was a pockmarked, skin-crawling evil and the other three inhibit a purgatory somewhere between “moderately nice” and “moderate timewaste.”

Still, I have great respect for the man who orchestrated Czech’s comeback after scoring NINE POINTS TOTAL across three years with the mindset of “So what? Why says we can’t win?” so ofc I was all into the idea of the “EIGHT INDIE ANGELS, HAND-PICKED BY BORS HIMSELF” NF that would serve as his swan song.

Naturally things went down the drain the second Bors left, with one of the eight peacing and his successor cancelling the live broadcast (does anyone remember what exactly happened? I vaguely recall one was the cause of the other but lol it’s July can’t be bothered to factscheck (Factsczeck?) anymore, bitches.

Anyway, ON TO THE GOOD STUFF, and yes, there was plenty.

We All Poop - “ All the Blood (Positive Song Actually)”

Yes, as you can imagine I ofc IMMEDIATELY fell into like when I saw that chyron and invisioned the inevitability of the Czech Rep’s Rep immediately alienating every parent just based on their name alone <3 😍 w/e WAP quickly became that “Good but not great” song you find in every NF that everyone gushes over because it’s the whitest option available. Like, yes, “All the blood” is good, but musically it’s identical to Green Day and Twenty-One Pilots and god name ANY 90s-early00′s American Punk Rock band. For me the enjoyment came from the fact that WAP were openly crazy vegan fundamentalists and the VC clip actively condemns the use ANY animal protein by replacing the cattle and game with LITERAL HUMAN BEINGS. 😍 :fusedmarcintensifies: :kasiamosage:

Pam Rabbit - “Get up”

Ohhhh YES a glorious experimental Synth-Trap song only I could love and ofc I did. God what is there even to say; the provocative darkness of the verses combined with the swirling amorphousness of the chorus gives me LIFE. LUFF THIS SHIT <3333 Ftr, this was also the fave of Slovene Juror duo / synth angels / Boris faves ZALAGASPER, further proving their pathetic naysayers that they own all things music and the haters can suck a series of-

Barbora Mochowa - “White and Black Holes“

Lol, yes even with a “Get up” existing, there was a song I liked even more. Barbora proved a very competent Lana del Gay last year, but I was a YUGE fan of this year’s... Kate Bush-Björk blend of ethereal awesome. It is so soothingly beautiful and the rare example of a song that I find completely free of flaws. Were the competition not such a hard place, I’d be pissed she didnt win (at least she won the jury vote MASSIVE KUDOS to every alum on that) but w/e this selection had opions and I’m rather robbed of a “Kemama” than I am of a BRILLIANT IRREPLICABLE AETHERBALLAD. ~Danse balance sûr les white and black holes~

Elis Mraz & Cis T - “Wanna be like”

I *VERY* strongly felt that if the Czech Republic wanted to win ESC, they should have picked Elis and even now I STILL believe she could have won. That isn’t to say I gushed over “Wanna be like” because I find it kind of annoying lol. Yes, I LOVE an annoying female voice (:Tones&Icackle:) but Elis’s reaches a Camilla Cabello sort of place for me (good lord get Senorita OFF the fucking radio) and the Scat + White Guy Rapping middle-eight. 😬. However, the second I opened up the video clip for this paragraph and was immediately BLASTED by Elis murdering a ukelele and wearing a  “schoolgirl” outfit straight from a Japanese tentacle porn movie and OH MY GOD THE AGGRESSIVE TWERKING made me reconsider that hey, this min-sized Meghan Traynor actually kinda highkey owns, yo!  Yet, I’m not at all bothered we lost her in the Czech NF because we got UNO DOS QUATRO CINCO SEIS :fatmansplit: fill up the megameme slot instead, so...

Eurovision 2020 vs Eurovision 2021

BENNY RUINED HIS SONG AND NEVER WOULD HAVE QUALIFIED. jk I’m not a moron. Sure, “Kemama” wasn’t an easy sell because you know AFROBEAT in a contest where half of the people watching are fash (ie: all of Eastern Europe, who watch out of ~Nationalistic Sentiment~ 😬), but there are Kemama live renditions out there and he owns them SO hard lol. A few soundmixing issues really would not have stopped Benny from qualifying in that RIDICULOUSLY WEAKSAUCE SEMIFINAL are you fucking kidding me. He probably would’ve bombed in the Grand Final, but I mean it’s Czech and it’s not Ickolas so ofc it would have.

And Czech renewed him for 2021 regardless of the sceptics, woohoo! I think part of it was due the Czech not wanting to re-organize an ENTIRE NF from scratch without Jan Bors, but probably also because Benny owns live when he isn’t engaged in psychological trench warfare with actual human detritus <3 and also because the Czech fucking CARE about their artists and don’t drop them like a sack of rotten potatoes wtfshitprus.

Can’t wait for the moment when he qualifies and Efendi does not, etc, etc. 

FREAKY! FRIDAY! FACTOR!

I’d say that the core around which the Ben Drama spun was pretty standard fare: niche fave beats out the concensus fave, meltdowns ensue, people convince themselves it was the WRONG decision because it wasn the result they wanted, try to disown the song and make a fool of themselves because the song slaps, sorry. Even the revamp drama felt more of less generic for me, because yawn fantards melting down over a revamp of a song they don’t even like what else is new.  

However, what I do take away that the revamp was ENTIRELY Benny’s idea which he told no one about (cue to JAN BORS having a social media meltdown like he’s Caesar at the Ides of March 💔) added MORE afrobeat just to troll his haters even more <3  God, I’d say it was bad from a musical perspective but this level of in-your-face defiance is fucking iconic and hilarious, sorry. This entire this year is so batshit bonkers that the concept of a someone potentially shooting themselves in the foot and “torpedo’ing” their qualification chances  (not rly, he would’ve Q’d anyway lol) JUST to take the moral high ground in a racially coded argument only HE took seriously may not even be the craziest concept in the year! (lol it definitely isn’t. Look at the pics I haven’t greyed out yet)

This and more yield Benny some well-earned Senheads! Yay!! 

Score: 3 Senhits out of 5.

right so i just got done crying on and off for the first three hours of my day and i think i deserve a bit of unloading into the internet about it

dont mind me i just,,,dont have a support system anymore lol and i need some kind of fuckin release. feel free to ignore

so the last week in particular has been extremely rough and today I almost asked to go to the hospital in the hopes of like, idk. getting some sort of help. I have never been this depressed or hopeless before in my life and I’ve never had so much nothing as I do now. I lost all of my friends and my only support. I don’t have anything to look forward to. I look at my projects and my art and I can’t stand them because everything has memories attached to people who hate me and want nothing to do with me. People who have ignored me for five fucking weeks after telling me “We want to fix this.”

i’m hardly sleeping. im constantly exhausted. im physically nauseous because i cant eat from the stress and anxiety, granted i remember to eat at all or have the energy to get up to get anything in the first place. emotionally im an absolute wreck. I can’t focus. nothing is enjoyable. there’s nothing TO enjoy, because everything i had before was everything they took away. I’ve been left in the dust after they told me they still cared. so clearly that was a lie. if they cared they wouldnt have left at the drop of a hat like that

Even my family has noticed that i’m not okay and they’re starting to ask questions. i feel bad every time i brush them off but I cant let them know how bad things really are. i cant tell them that every hour i have to fight the urge to hurt myself again. that every time i have a second of free thought i think, hey, wouldn’t it be so satisfying to make yourself bleed again? and yes! it would be satisfying! but that’s not a pit i want to fall into again. it had me for years and it took even more years to break. and even though I have the awareness to not go through with it and can recognize it’s not actually going to help in the long run, it’s so exhausting when that’s my first go-to solution. And like yeah I usually have those thoughts anyway but I’ve had such a great system of friends and people I love who love me also that it was easier to get past. There were people there for me  who cared and because I knew they cared I could get through the rough patches. But now I don’t have those people. I don’t have any support. There’s nobody who cares about me. So then my loneliness gets to me and i get even more depressed and anxious and I keep spiraling, and those thoughts get worse and harder to fight off. it was those thoughts of intense “lets hurt ourselves really badly :D” that made me want to go to the hospital. I literally had the thought of “If I go to the hospital and they say I’m not severe enough to be admitted, I’ll just grab a pen and stab my leg to prove to them I need help.” Which is neither good nor healthy, but it would be so easy

instead i ended up crying for three hours and started thinking the circumstances that lead me here

and like. i will admit, and i have admitted dozens of times, hundreds of times to myself, that I made a mistake. I know that. I told them that. That was the first fucking thing I said. all i can think about is that singular, one, individual, tiny little blunder. and how despite me acknowledging it and coming clean with it and trying to talk about it, it was blown up and out of proportion and thrown in my face. they took my misstep and every single one of them twisted it and manipulated it into something far from the truth, something that painted me as a terrible person, as a secret asshole, as a huge toxic influence, as a deceitful and unappreciative person. They all threw out everything about our friendship in favor of ignoring what I’d said and assuming something far from the truth, the truth I laid out for them no less.

and then when i asked if i could clarify and communicate, they told me no. then blamed me for not communicating!!

thats all i ever tried to do! was communicate

From day one the group said hey if there’s a problem, be open with it and we’ll talk about it. we communicate to solve problems because we’re all friends and cherish each other.

what a load of shit.

i tried to communicate. I laid out my problem and then everybody else got involved, said I wasn’t allowed to talk about that with them, then they called me back like some kind of court and judge and jury and told me because I didn’t communicate, I was being kicked out. That’s not fair. I wasn’t treated fairly. I wasn’t even allowed to clarify whatever the hell they thought. They straight up told me no, you can’t talk about this with us. That’s not communication. That’s hypocritically shutting me down.

“Communicate with us Jask!”

“Okay I will send communication”

“Op! You’re not allowed :) We agreed you can’t talk to us :) You’re being kicked out :) Oh But Don’t Feel Unwelcome We Want To Fix This.” Then they all fuckin. moved into a space without me in it. That’s not welcoming. That’s exclusionary. That’s not communicating either. I’ve been handed a double standard that I can’t do anything about because I’m not allowed to even say hello to these people

How does anyone expect things to get better if I’m not being given the chance I was promised? its been. five. weeks. I’m ? so fucking tired and sad and alone, waiting every fucking day in the hopes that someone is going to actually talk to me again. then I finally pass out in near tears at 3am because another day has passed with none of them caring enough to even ask if im okay

and like. i desperately want to talk to them. i dont know what id say but. i dont know. i dont know. im not allowed to, for one. they made that crystal fucking clear. but again what would i even say?

do i say im sorry? i apologized dozens of times and it never made a difference, they ignored my apologies from the start and im certain they ignored the ones at the end too. and im terrified of saying sorry to the only person who really matters in this situation because im certain she’s going to cut me off if i even breathe in her direction

do I say that i miss them? what’s that going to do? it feels manipulative to say that. like hey pity me into talking to me again? i cant do that. im sure none of them miss me anyway so why would i put myself on the spot like that

do i admit im afraid to talk to them? again that also feels, bad, because the last time i admitted a feeling it drove them all away in an instant. and like also that feels like im backing them into a corner where they have to respond. and i dont want to force that. so it feels like talking is making the same mistake that made them kick me out. and like. what if...talking really does make it worse? what if talking is what ruins it even though talking is what they told me they want?

again there’s the double standard. be honest and communicate, but if you’re honest and communicate you’re rejected outright and made into the bad guy.

at this point its been so long

and i’ve deteriorated so much

i dont know if like. i just. i dont know...if more deterioration, if more waiting, and more dashed hope is worth it ?

i dont even know if they still want to repair things. what if they dont? what if they never did? what if they lied? what if they sit in their little group and talk poorly about me? what if they made bets about how long it’ll take me to leave or unfriend them like my isolation was some sort of game? what if they think i hate them? what if they really DO hate me? what if they moved on and want to forget about me? what if they regret knowing me at all? what if they wish they never knew me? what if they’re happy without me? what if 

oh boy i started crying again

what if this entire month of waiting and crying and wishing and grieving and hoping and loneliness was a waste of time? what if this was all for nothing? what if i never get to talk to them again? i. man. i just. i really really really miss everyone. i miss them so much. i miss them so fucking much. i dont know what to do. I m. fuck. im miserable. i wish i hadn’t said anything i wish i had kept my mouth shut i wish i never tried i wish i never did any of that i wish i had my friends i wish i could go back i wish i could talk to them

if i didnt say anything at least i’d be happy and id have everything and i would have my best friends in the whole world and id, fuck man thats really it, id be happy. im  so fucking awul

im so. i. i cant see the scvreen i need to go wash up and stop

list of comics i made so far

i already shared the list of all the novels i tried to write throughout my llife so i see no reason why not to do the same with the comics i tried to work on. no i should clarify, with my lists of novels there was a clear cut distinction between what was a novel and a short story so to parse one from the other was an easy task. it should be known that i wrote hundreds of shorts stories that i havent shared with anyone. now a similar situation occurs with my comics, i have done hundreds upon hundreds of little comics, short jokes, little skits and short lived strips through my life, so in order to give this list some weight and not make it longer than the bible the criteria i used was that it had to be something i did on a regular basis or that tells a self contained story with a beggining middle and end.

now without further ado, lets begin!

spike Vanderville (age 7)

you can tell i was way more into comics than i was into novels from a young age. done with pen and folded paper, it was the story about a young kid called spike, whose design was heavily inspired by bradley from sticking around, who had magical powers which allowed him to manipulate reality. it was a mix of harry potter and a series of illustrates short stories that came in a magazine in argentina. his best friend was a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that he had brought to life, his archnemesis was a fat bully.

curiously enough i was so passionate about this project even though i had no idea what i was doing and no talent that i actually did like three full colored issues of it. my family was really proud of me. sadly those comics are completly lost to time

andrew and the monkey (age 10)

this was the classical story about a boy and his best friend the talking animal. one page comedy strips done in pen and paper. nothing too clever, just a way for me to try lame jokes mostly stolen from spongebob squarepants. not much else to it. i tried to do like a revamp in 2014 but it was short lived, as you can see the jokes didnt get any less lame

FIP industries (age 17)

mostly done in digital. yes as you can see fip is something that has followed me my whole life in quite the variety of mediums. there were as a matter of fact multiple attempts to make this comic a real thing but time and again they would peter off as i saw that my skill was just not up to the task. i think i have talked more than enough about fip industries on this blog, one interesting thing is that if you follow the link you will come across a lot of proto ideas that i had before they cemented and took their definite shape in the novel (and even after the novel i kept retconning and retooling things over and over again, fip industries is an ongoing thing that will probably last my entire lifetime)

Disregarding Reality I (age 20)

the first iteration of disregarding reality, a humorous strip done in pencil and paper, a fairly short lived affair, lasting no more than 3 months. the entire premise of the comic was an MRA activist and a feminist live together, they are friends, they argue a lot. remember 2013 guys? back when this whole politics bullshit truly kicked off online? this was before gamer gate, mind you. but by that point i had seen more than enough of it on tumblr and i was like “someone should do some scathing commentary with wit and penache” and that someone had to be me. mainly inspired by commics like f@nboys and el goonish hive and a thousand billion others that were so popular back in those halcyon days.

i got bored of it pretty quickly and it wouldnt be until three years later than i would finally decide to re-start the project but until then...

Strangers in the forest (age 21)

here comes a rather productive era in my ouvre, ink and paper, based on a short story i wrote, its about an eldritch monster pretending to be human and a ghost girl, killed by her father. they have a dispute because the monster wants to eat the corpse of the girl but the ghost doesnt want to give up her bones because its the one thing that tethers her to the mortal plane. they eventually resolve their dispute. by this point i was actually, unironically trying my best to do comics which i felt looked professional.

Song of a nightmare (age 21)

another one based on a short story i wrote. ink and paper, a private detective wakes up in the middle of the night and sees a mermaid lying in bed next to him. he spends most of the comic trying to figure out how the hell is this possible. still one of my favourite ones and certainly one of my family’s and friends favourites as well. a rather poetic tale, strongly inspired by argentinian fiction and their propensity towards magical realism, i was reading a lot of cortazar back then.

Aika (age 21)

as you can tell i was on a fucking roll that year. ink and paper, this was a story based upon a simple and basic idea that i had in my mind for years and years. i always liked the concept behind the movie “the kid” where bruce willis mysteriously comes across himself as a kid. so of course one day i came up with the idea, what if you recieved a visit from your future self... but she was a woman?

this is probably the most aggresively trans story i ever wrote in my life, it is literally about a guy realizing they are trans and breaking down over it. here is the giant kicker, i did not realize at all what i was doing. i was completly unaware of what was going on here, i was still deep deep in the closet and not even realizing i was there. it really is astounding the honesty and the rawness with which i wrote this comic and it went all over my head. a perfect example of “im such a great ally lol”

oh also there is time travel i guess. my main impetus (beyond whatever my subconcious was forcing me to do) was my desire to make a complete clusterfuck of a story, i was a huge fan of homestuck, i had read fleek and demon, i wanted to do my own take on a hypercomplicated time travel puzzle plot. other things came out on top of it but i didnt noticed them. fucking hilarious

Hello Agatha (age 21)

a comedic strip about a wacky pixie dream girl having wacky adventures with her wacky friends, one of which is a man with a toilet for a head. what a gut buster, what a knee slapper!

there is not much to say about this one, wacky surreal comedy was always my favourite and so time and again i would try my hand at it but it is surprisingly hard to do!

The /co/ ventures! (age 20 - age25)

an ongoing project done in multiple mediums. i think i said more than enough about this in here and here. it was me practiscing comics, practiscing my humor and adding my tiny grain of sand to the 4chan culture. i am proud to say these comics were actually very well liked there and that i would be recognized without a name or signature of any kind, just on the strength of my style.

the vest kind of madness (age 22)

probably one of the projects in which i put the biggest amount of effort to make it look professional. traditional inks and digital colors. a crossover that i cant believe never happened in comics considering how obvious it is. Rac Shade, the changing man and delirium of the endless, the two flagship vertigo characters associated with madness. clearly a match made in heaven.

to this day im flabbergasted i seem to be the only one to think of this.

Disregarding Reality II (age 23)

another work where i have already spilled rivers of bytes explaining my thought process behind it. after having a no good, terrible, very bad day, finding my self aimless and without purpose, deep in denial and depression, i decided to give my self a big project to have something to get me out of bed every day. these three guys came from the depths of my mind to save me.

this time leaning a lot more on silly humor and surrealism than political commentary, still insanely proud of how much i managed to make this last, almost three years, well over 200 pages! and in here i found the inspiration and the creative energy to tackle all sorts of diverse projects of which we are about to see all about.

Mama Bird (age 24)

my masterpiece.

by far the best comic i ever did. a kid with a bird for a mom. hilarious, touching, heartbreaking. it was a concept that i had come up with when i was 21. back then it was supposed to be exclusively a humorous comic strip but then i found a dramatic angle for the story and that was when everything clicked into place. that was when i realized this was a comic i had to do. and i did it. it took me five months but it was well worth it. still insanely proud of this one

Soft boys (age 25)

a weird experimental little story where i decided to sit down and deconstruct one of the most popular superpowers. super elasticity. more akin to me just mashing my toys against each other than me trying to tell a serious story. i am actually really happy with some of the art here and some of the sequences presented. particularly the final one where a brick joke twenty pages in the making finally pays off.

Hexen Snatch (age 25)

a semi spinoff to my novel FIP industries, we focus on a side character that managed to survive after the events of the novel and how they’ll manage to survive further beyond that. insanely soaked by the magical world of pact by widbow i wanted desperatly to share my own take on magic, every page is accompanied by a little text where i expand upon the lore and the way magic is supposed to work on this world. i really like the prose on those snippets and the ideas they work almost more that the comic itself with which i was not happy at all when i was working on it. i didnt like the character design, i didnt like how the art in general was coming out, i didnt like the pacing of the story or how superficially we were getting to expore this world in the comic proper. i had to take a very long hiatus just to accumulate the will to finish the comic and once i did i feel it really petered off without much of a satisfying payoff.

on some level i blame the exhaustion and frustration that i came out of this comic with for the fact that i ended up quitting disregarding reality soon afterwards.

Maxplosive (age 26)

another project that has followed me across multiple mediums. came up with an idea for a videogame back in 2015. saved it on the back pocket for a while, used it as a story within a story on my novel fan.tastic, practisced a couple of animations with the characters and eventually decided that, if my skills at videogame making were not enough, i had at least more than poven myself as a comic artist so maybe that was the definitive medium in which this idea would have to exist.

the original idea was to tell the story in two parts, the first half would introduce the character and the videogame as if the comic was a playthrough of the game. all fun and childlike and innocent. then the second half was meant to explore the life of the main character as an adult, how being “a videogame protagonist” had ruined her body, her mental health and her life. i tried all sorts of weird stuff with the format here, using reciclable assets, static camera angles and generally presenting the whole thing as if it was a videogame.

sadly the project got too big for my breaches, i was fucking exhausted back then, swamped with a bunch of other projects, my job, other responsabilities, unsatisfied with the story and with no idea where to take it. eventually i got tired, decided to skip a day, then the day became a week and then the week became a month and by then i had to face the facts, i was just no longer able to continue the comic. and so i quit not only maxplosive but disregarding reality all together.

i still did the occasional comic here and then but it wouldnt be until the very end of 20-fucking-20 that i was finally inspired to tackle a new project, my newest one, my last one....

Lapsarian (age 27)

an interesting experiment, i decided to do the whole comic in one sit and then post it chapter by chapter on a weekly basis. a surprising result of this was that i managed to do in one month the same amoung of pages that would have taken me 5 months back when i started disregarding reality, is good to see that after al this time i still got it.

took me a while to get the hang of it again and find my own style once more but once i armed up it was smooth sailing for 40 pages all the way to the end. but what is this comic even about?

its... weird, with full disclosure and no shame, it is mostly a fetish story about big lizard creatures commiting vore. the milkman had already shown me that i could do those types of stories and no lighting would come from the heavens to strike me down so i said, why not as a comic? i like to think that beyond the fetish content it is still a decent story in its own right, an interesting feedback that i got from this is that people are suprised how earnest it is, one saying something like “this is the best pitch for a fetish that i was never interested in”

Conclussion:

looking back on this im surprised, turns out i was a lot more prolific and working a lot more regularly than i expected, in here are documented ten years of creative output that never seems to wane. it was fun to do the roundabout trip and see how my style, my technice and generally my work ethic evolved through the years. another nice thing to see is the multiple formats, the multiple tools and mediums i experimented with, i find myself constantly trying new things, new methods, new angles, new interesting ideas for how to make a comic (without even getting into what to make a comic about).

something i always knew about myself was that drawing is a fundamental part of who i am, it is something that just cant be taken away from me and that will always be a part of my life one way or the other, is good to see it so plainly, in black and white, on this list. here goes for what i might be able to do in the future

This is a personal post.

I'm beginning to realize that, for a really long time now, I've been substituting true self esteem for something else entirely

Instead of actually feeling proud of myself, like an accomplished person, I've been forcing myself into the forefront of everyone's attention, while simultaneously remaining as "just a part of a larger whole", so that i didnt have to feel like it was 100% my fault whenever I fucked up (although, I usually blamed myself anyways- not because of a clear consciousness or anything, but out of a bitter self hatred)

I put myself front and center at a carousel of things that only I could apparently be good at- not because I think I'm the best, but because I think I'm a freak for being as meticulously obsessed with things as I am. This leaves little room for my friends to actually bounce off of my experience, because I see anyone else I know encroaching on that skill that I have at the only thing I feel like I'm any good at, and it feels like a threat. I don't acknowledge it that way because I know it'd be shitty, but there's this underlying feeling that I'm being one-upped anyways...

I ended up hurting some people really dear to me because of this twisted way of thinking. I’m pretty sure I lost the privilege of calling them friends as a result. It took me a few days of self-isolation, crying, and mindlessly zonking out while playing civ until the sun came up, but I think I have a fuller picture of what my issue is. It’s not as simple as just, “I need to stop hating myself”. I recognized that- but the emotions were too raw at the time for me to really understand the depth and complexity to the issue.

At its face... I need to accept that I’m not annoying or a freak for having a deep interest in the things that I do- maybe it makes me “weird”, but I need to learn how to own that, how to feel like being weird in that way is a good thing, even if not everyone else thinks the same.

At the same time, I need to accept that my knowledge about my special interests isn’t the only thing that does, or could ever, give me “worth”. I have this conception in my head, that I’m only ever going to be good at this, or that I only have value for the things I’m proficient at, which are all very limited in scope.

People always say that having weird special interests is fine & valid... They go on about all the ways we shouldn’t be bullied for having special interests, for conceptualizing the world through the lens of them at times. But all of that is stuff I already know and accept. Something I don’t think gets talked about as much is how autistic people internalize that bullying. How, sometimes, for people like me, we can turn that same hatred and malice in towards ourselves- even if it’s not something we actually truly believe, or would ever apply to other people.

I’ve always had this sort of cocoon of self hatred surrounding me, for as long as I can remember. It’s terrible, full of thorns, and always uncomfortable, never letting me truly be myself, let alone think for or even act for myself. But it was built as a “protection” from the outside- sort of. If I hate myself enough, for all the reasons that I’m already hated by others, then nothing can hurt me anymore, because I’m already telling myself all of the most hurtful things I possibly could. It’s fucked up, and it doesn’t really help to protect myself from anything- it just makes everything harder.

My friends aren’t “competition”, they aren’t going to take away what makes me special by showing the same level as interest in something as me. If anything, I should be thankful that someone actually cares as much as I do. That’s all I ever wanted, right? To have friends that are as passionate as I am? So why did I have to throw it all away by seeing that as a threat?

Thinking about this, it’s easy to go down the path of self-hatred again. But, that’s how I got into this mess... I also wanna say... For anyone reading in on this, and concerning yourself with the what-ifs of the situation... This is never stuff I consciously thought of, until I was made aware of this behavior in myself. It was really a subconscious type of thing. But the harm is all the same. Make whatever you want out of that, I’m not gonna ask to be babied about it, I fucked up. I fucked up, and I’m sorry, if you’re actually reading this.

But, I didn’t make this post as an apology to the people I hurt. I made it as a sort of... self-reflection. Maybe it can still be an apology? I don’t know. I don’t think they want an apology. So, this isn’t really about that, or asking for forgiveness. This is just about... me pondering on all of my issues, and how I might move on from this. I hope those former friends are able to move on as well... I was kind of a huge asshole. But it’s never easy to let go of close friends that way, even if it’s necessary for your own wellbeing. So, I hope they’re doing ok. and... I hope they know I don’t hate them. and that I’ll be ok, too. I’m just sad. Sad and full of regrets.

I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. This was kind of hard to type, and I might delete it later, since it’s something really personal to be sharing to, potentially, 3000+ eyeballs... (as if that many of my tumblr followers actually would click on a readmore I post tho...), thanks for reading though. and to those who have been worrying about me- I’ll be ok, thanks for your concern.