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samasmith23 · 7 months

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We need to talk about EssenceOfThought's ongoing bullying & slander campaign against Rachel Oates...

I normally don't make posts covering this kind of stuff since I mostly try to keep my Tumblr blog here relatively positive and cheerful. And I normally try to avoid YouTube drama in general. But recently I've become increasingly frustrated and angered by the behavior of a certain YouTuber whom I regrettably used to be a fan of awhile back known as "Essence Of Thought" (aka, Ethel Thurston), whom in the past 2 months has been continuously releasing multiple videos & shorts which slander and defame another YouTuber named Rachel Oates. I know that Rachel herself is currently trying to combat this situation and has even filed multiple claims against Ethel's videos, but I felt the need to try and show my support for Rachel by help signal-boost her story in response to Ethel's revived targeted harassment campaign against her.

Content Warning: Mentions of Transphobia, Cyberbullying, Self-Harm, Suicidality, and Child Abuse.

Also, while this post is going to be very critical of Ethel and her conduct, I will NOT tolerate any misgendering or deadnaming of her! Just because I think Ethel is a bad person does NOT excuse any transphobia that is directed at her, and I will immediately block and report anyone who engages in such reprehensible behavior!

Section 1: Confessions of a former fan, or my personal falling out with Essence of Thought

For those who are not aware, Ethel Thurston is a transgender atheist content creator who regularly produces video essays analyzing and criticizing TERFs and the broader far-right. This content greatly appealed to me as both a supporter of trans-rights and as someone who vocally opposes both TERFs and Neo-Nazis. However, exactly 1-year-ago I unsubscribed from Ethel's channel when she began made a series of videos accusing Lily Orchard of being a child groomer. While I do agree that Lily is an AWFUL person who has received multiple credible accusations of sexual abuse from both former partners and even her own younger sister Courtney, Ethel's videos which accused Lily of "grooming all minors in her audience" were actually heavily criticized by several former victims of Lily's abuse who have argued that the way Ethel & her editor "ABirdCalledLevi" (aka, Levi) presented their information against Lily was not only overly inflammatory, but only served to misrepresent and damage the testimonies of her other victims.

Specifically, critics like "Patchwork Heart" (aka, Shiloh Conner) took serious issue took issue with Ethel & Levi's constant liberal usage of the word "grooming" to describe Lily's actions towards individuals like Glade, who accused Lily of encouraging him on her Discord to watch a livestream where she repeatedly flashed her audience (Glade was still 17 at the time of this incident). Essentially Shiloh stated that while Lily was undeniably guilty of sexual harassment, neglectful misconduct, and indecent exposure, her behavior technically does not qualify as "grooming," since "grooming" is a term specifically meant describe the gradual breaking down of a victim's boundaries through manipulation and isolation from others (online it's usually conducted through private DMs rather than on public servers like Lily's channels). Furthermore, Shiloh and other fellow victim's of Lily's abuse also criticized Ethel & Levi's usage of the phrase "parasocial audience grooming" to argue that Lily was grooming her ENTIRE audience instead of individuals, as "parasocial audience grooming" is NOT a legally or medically recognized term, but was instead invented by the commentary YouTuber "Korviday" in 2020 to describe Shane Dawson's sexually abusive behavior towards several underage members of his audience. Essentially, it's impossible to groom an entire audience all at once since grooming is defined by the specific and deliberate targeting and manipulation of individuals in private or isolated settings with the intention of eventually sexually abusing them. But when criticized for the way they badly mishandled the testimonies of victims like Glade, Ethel & Levi instead doubled down by not only continuing to misuse the word "grooming" in their videos, but actively smeared and defamed their critics and other victims of Lily's like Shiloh as "abuse/groomer apologists.” Ethel even went as far as to compare Shiloh criticizing how she misrepresented Glade’s testimony to “defending Harvey Weinstein.”

Like... YIKES!

I'm not going to lie... when I saw the way Ethel & Levi actively bullied and slandered other victims of Lily Orchard, I was deeply disappointed and disgusted. While I was already starting to grow weary of Ethel's tendency to overly moralize in her arguments, and I knew she was unpopular in a lot of online spaces, for the longest time I tried to give both her and Levi the benefit of the doubt since I knew she had been harassed by TERFs like Graham Linehan past simply for being an outspoken non-binary trans-woman online. But the way Ethel bullied people like Shiloh Conner was simply inexcusable! And personally, I completely agree with Shiloh's criticisms against Ethel & Levi. Even though I dislike Lily Orchard and think that she's an abusive scumbag, spreading misinformation about issues as serious as CSA only serves to inflict further harm onto the people that Lily has hurt. Victims like Shiloh have very publicly stated that they either want their testimonies to be reflected as accurately as possible, or not at all. And I especially understand their concerns about misusing the word "grooming," especially because of how that word in particular has been so easily co-opted as an anti-LGBTQ+ slur by Republicans and the far-right in the past 2 years alone, which only serves to promote bigotry and obfuscate actual instances of child sexual abuse (Ethel claimed in their video that they "saw no harm in extending the definition of the word" BTW). Here's a link to Shiloh's video responding to Ethel if you want further details on the ways in which both she and Levi so badly mishandled the testimonies of Lily Orchard's victims BTW:

So how does Rachel Oates fit into all of this exactly? Well...

Section 2: Reevaluating Ethel's past conduct and the targeted bullying of Rachel Oates

Once I witnessed the ways in which EssenceOfThought bullied and smeared the victims of Lily Orchard's abuse, it honestly caused me to reevaluate and question a lot of their past content, especially because Ethel & Levi already had reputations of being overly inflammatory figures who've burned tons of bridges with lots of other leftist YouTubers. It was then that I was reminded of the biggest controversy Ethel's been involved in, and one I was only tangentially aware of before the Lily Orchard drama. That being Ethel's 4-year-long and currently ongoing defamation campaign against feminist and atheist British YouTuber, Rachel Oates.

The conflict between Ethel & Rachel all started back in 2019, when Rachel's friend and former atheist YouTuber "Rationality Rules" (aka, Steven Woodford), got into serious trouble when he posted a video arguing against the inclusion of trans-people in sports (which relied on heavily fallacious scientific data and even cited clips from Fox News, Ben Shapiro, and Joe Rogan). Unsurprisingly, the backlash against Woodford's video was enormous, and it even resulted in him being deplatformed from hosting a panel at an ACA conference in Austin, Texas that same year. However, a lot of Woodford's friends within the YouTube atheist community, including Rachel, argued that Woodford did not make his video out of intentional malice or bigotry, whilst fully agreeing that it was a terrible poorly-researched video that did serve to reinforce transphobic narratives even if it was unintentional. This led to Woodford not only delisting and demonotizing the original video, but also releasing both an apology and retraction video to try and help mitigate the damage his original video caused.

Ethel however, refused to accept Woodford's apology and retraction, and made several response videos accusing his apology of being fake and him continuing to spread transphobic misinformation. And while that's perfectly understandable if Ethel personally didn't find Woodford's apology to be adequate or genuine, where this crosses the line into unacceptable behavior is that Ethel then went onto repeatedly attack Rachel Oates simply because she was both friends with Woodford IRL and didn't want to get directly involved in the controversy. Essentially, Ethel is engaging in the "guilt by association" fallacy here. In actuality though, Rachel not only repeatedly stated that she disagreed with the content Woodford's original video and agreed that it was very bad and harmful, but that she is supportive of the trans community and felt unqualified to weigh in on the subject matter of trans-people in sports since she has barely any knowledge or interest about sports in general.

This response was not good enough for Ethel however, who instead misinterpreted Rachel's comments as a backhanded attempt at silencing Woodford's critics.

Things got even worse when a random fan messaged Rachel a screenshot taken from a private Facebook group from a trans-self-help group which compiled a list of public figures for the trans community to avoid following the Woodford controversy, and her name was included on that list. Rachel, not knowing that the list was from a private chat, immediately went on Twitter to defend herself, which led to Ethel accusing her of doxxing by publishing private information. This is in spite of the fact that not only did the screenshot already exist before Rachel discovered it, but she went out of her way to censor the names of the members of that Facebook group. Furthermore, Ethel had also blocked Rachel on Twitter which led to the latter asking some of her followers to show her what Ethel was stating about her so she could try to adequately defend herself, which in-turn resulted in Ethel accusing Rachel of sending her millions of followers to circumvent her block and harass her.

The situation escalated even further however, when Ethel posted a now infamous tweet to one of Woodford and Oates' friends' Lizzy Lang, not only described Woodford as a "violent transphobe intent on stripping away dozens of human rights,” but called Lang and others (presumably Oates) "members of Woodford's church a transphobia" before ending the tweet with the words, "do this world a favor and exit it."

That last line in Ethel’s tweet, “do the world a favor and exit it,” got a lot of people justifiably angry since it was very easily misconstrued as Ethel advocating for Woodford's defenders to commit suicide (she claimed it was meant to say “exit Woodford’s church of transphobia”). And while EoT later apologized and clarified the incredibly poor wording of that last comment, she still refused to apologize to Rachel after several months of targeted bullying and defamation. When Rachel saw the infamous tweet, it only served to amplify her pre-existing feelings of depression since she mistaken that tweet to be directed at her instead of Lizzy Lang. And a few days later, in an act of desperation Rachel posted an impromptu unedited video begging and pleading for Ethel to stop bullying her, not realizing that she was still badly bleeding from cuts on her arm due to feeling completely hopeless and isolated (Rachel already had a history of engaging in self-harm and cutting).

But not even Rachel engaging in self-harm nor her feelings of suicidality were enough to sway Ethel, who still continued to double-down on their harassment by arguing that Rachel "weaponizing self-harm, transmisogyny, and benevolent patriarchy," and was using "upper-class cis white woman tears" (even though Rachel has openly admitted to being lower-middle class). And to this very day, Ethel still continues to slander Rachel and falsely label her as a "serial transphobe" and "abuser" all throughout her videos, even going as far as to not only claim, "Rachel Oates' [abuse] was the second most psychologically destructive thing [she's] ever suffered, only being second to being raped as a child," but that she would rather relive her trauma of "being outed as bisexual, groomed at age 15, and sexually assaulted."

Seriously... FREAKING YIKES! Those are incredibly extreme and inflammatory statements to make! I do understand that Ethel is a CSA survivor (and on that level I 100% empathize with her because that is of course absolutely terrible and is one of the absolute WORST things anyone can suffer from), but claiming that someone circumventing a Twitter Block and or begging you to stop bullying her whilst feeling suicidal is even remotely comparable to “being raped as a child"?! That is so unbelievably insensitive on so many levels that I don’t even know where to start! It’s insensitive to not only Rachel herself, but to other CSA survivors as well since it trivializes their trauma! Ethel should know better than this!

Also, that screenshot of Ethel tweeting a link to a Guardian article discussing the weaponization of white woman tears? That was literally the top pinned-tweet to her Twitter account immediately days after Rachel posted that desperate video of her pleading to Ethel to stop her harassment campaign whilst feeling suicidal. What a truly vile and unempathetic thing for Ethel to do!

Section 3: Showing support for Rachel Oates

After I did more research into the whole EssenceOfThought Vs. Rachel Oates situation, as well as hearing Rachel's side of the story, I ended up subscribing to Rachel's YouTube channel and have since become a fan of her work. Before I eventually unsubscribed from Ethel's channel due to the way she similarly bullied several of Lily Orchard’s victims, I was given the impression by her that Rachel Oates was just another garden-variety TERF YouTuber based on he way Ethel constantly talked about her. But that’s NOT accurate at all… Rachel's channel from what I’ve seen is mainly just about discussions of secularism and religion, feminism, book reviews, and cute dog videos!

Seriously, her dog Kyra is so FREAKING adorable!

Look at her! Kyra's such a good girl! She's such a cute doggy!

But yeah, this is a prime example of how Ethel’s pattern of engaging in bad-faith moral absolutism while misrepresenting events and evidence can be seriously damaging to uninitiated viewers. And I say that not only as someone who was largely unaware of the full extent of what she had done to Rachel, but also because Ethel frames her content in a very pseudo-academic/intellectual manner and uses a lot of professional sounding words to try and disguise severely misguided and inflammatory arguments. She tries to portray her YouTube videos as if they’re akin to college-level essays with lots of citations and crap, which can easily fool people into thinking that her content is well-researched and sophisticated. Except looking below the surface, in hindsight Ethel’s videos are mostly just pretentious word-salad, cherry-picking evidence, and relying heavily on academic terminology in order promote her thinly-veiled absolutist black-&-white views on morality, attacking anyone who is “not progressive enough” for her (in addition to Rachel, Ethel & Levi have also done this to other leftist YouTubers like Lindsay Ellis, Philosophy Tube, & Suris the Skeptic). According to Ethel’s logic, you’re either an entirely good or entirely bad person, and there’s zero in-between and if you dare disagree with her to even the slightest degree then she’ll automatically consider you to be just as bad as the far-right. Basically, it’s moral absolutism.

All of Ethel’s fallacious claims against Rachel Oates are textbook examples of bad-faith moral absolutism, and I deeply regret the fact that I was ever once a fan of Ethel’s content. She is a bully and a liar. And that’s a conclusion I arrived to after seeing how Rachel’s stories about being repeatedly slandered & bullied by Ethel heavily paralleled the similar experiences of individuals like Shiloh Conner, thereby revealing a pattern of toxic behavior on Ethel’s part.

Section 4: Ethel’s renewed and current bullying campaign

So why do I bring all of this stuff up?

Well, even though the worst of the harassment Rachel suffered was back in 2019 and she has since tried to move on from this whole fiasco and continues making her usual feminist book reviews and dog videos (she even deliberately avoids mentioning EssenceOfThought by name in her videos...), Ethel has not only repeatedly tried to drag all of this drama back up, but has this singleminded obsessive vendetta to defame and destroy Rachel's YouTube career at all costs. For instance, in 2022 Ethel tried to further slander Rachel by yet again engaging in "guilt by association" fallacy because notable transgender TERF YouTuber "Rose of Dawn" (aka, the British equivalent of Blaire White) once tried to befriend Rachel in 2020 after the initial harassment campaign by Ethel, and later in 2022 Rose openly defended self-confessed genocidal serial rapist Lily Cade when the latter was platformed in an infamous transphobic BBC article. What Ethel completely neglects to mention however, is that Rachel had permanently stopped interacting with Rose when several members of her audience informed her that Rose is actually a TERF (and the way Rose suddenly tried to befriend Rachel after Ethel's bullying of her strikes me as very cult-like since TERFs sadly do have a history in engaging in incredibly abusive cultish tactics to recruit new members, as many people who have escaped that disgusting hate movement have reported...) and she has since apologized for ever giving Rose any attention. Regardless, Ethel still tried to falsely implicate Rachel alongside "Rose of Dawn" in a video condemning Lily Cade & the BBC, which led to Rachel rightfully filing a defamation claim to YouTube, getting Ethel's then-latest slanderous hit-peace against Rachel blocked in the UK.

But even worse however, is that starting in August 2023 Ethel has begun releasing a constant stream of videos continuing to smear Rachel even further by both repeating all of the exact same aforementioned slanderous claims along with a whole bunch of new ones. Like, not only has Ethel already released 3 main videos out of a planned 6-part series ranting about Rachel Oates, but she has also released 24 shorts taken from the main videos!

Geez! Not only is this beyond obsessive, but this is just straight-up targeted bullying and harassment on Ethel's part! And the new claims she makes against Rachel in these videos are equally slanderous as the ones before! For just one example, Ethel & Levi’s cite a now-deleted livestream of Rachel's that they re-uploaded as a mirrored-copy to their channel, accusing Rachel of denying trans-women's existence by making the offhanded comment of, “No, the only thing a man can provide me that a woman can’t is a p*nis. Only thing.”

Except… I actually went and watched the ENTIRE 3-hour mirrored livestream myself just to see the full context of Rachel’s quote, and it turns out that Ethel took that quote completely out of context! Not only are there lots of points in the livestream wherein Rachel repeatedly states that “gender is a social construct and that trans and non-binary people exist,” but during the stream she's doing a counter-response to a Christian fundamentalist incel who once responded one of her earlier videos. And that potentially problematic quote of Rachel’s, “No, the only thing a man can provide me that a woman can’t is a p*nis. Only thing,” was actually a sarcastic response to the incel’s homophobic argument that “women don’t want to love their equals [(aka other women)] because they actually all want what only a [dominant alpha male] can provide them.”

Essentially, Rachel was criticizing the incel’s sexist & homophobic “logic” that, “all women secretly only want p*nises,” in a snarky & sarcastic manner, but Ethel took Rachel’s comment out of context to try and instead paint it as some transphobic-slip-of-the-tongue/TERF-dogwhistle, accusing Rachel of “completely ignoring the existence of non or pre-op trans women,” in order to try and support the fallacious argument that, “Rachel Oates doesn’t actually view trans women as real women, but instead as props to objectify in order to make herself look like a better ally.”

Not once does Ethel ever mention the context that Rachel was responding to & mocking a bigoted incel during the livestream... at all...

I don't have time to go into all of the other new lies that Ethel & Levi are currently spewing against Rachel Oates since this post has already gotten incredibly lengthy (for instance, Ethel also claimed that Rachel “downplayed JK Rowling’s transphobia” simply because she used the words “incredibly problematic” to describe the Queen TERF’s bigoted views; which is such a weak and pedantic argument), but it’s a whole lot…

Conclusion

Overall, I just wanted to bring attention to this situation because EssenceOfThought's harassment campaign against Rachel Oates has been ongoing since 2019 and it shows ZERO signs of stopping anytime soon. Ethel & Levi are serial bullies and liars who regularly engage in bad-faith arguments, misrepresent evidence, and engage in moral absolutism in order to paint anyone who disagrees with them or makes even the slightest mistake as the worst people imaginable. So the more people who are made aware of this mess, the better.

Please show support for Rachel, whether that be through signal-boosting this post, subscribing to her YouTube channel, or even donating to her Patreon if you so choose.

And to EssenceOfThought, aka Ethel Thurston, (along with her editor Levi...) specifically, the famed basketball player Michael Jordan would have some choice words for you:

And I mean that sincerely. Seriously... just stop this targeted bullying & slander campaign against Rachel. It's incredibly unhealthy and obsessive. Just let it go already...

#rachel oates #EssenceOfThought is a bully #EssenceOfThought is a liar #EssenceOfThought is a moral absolutist #cw: cyberbullying mention #cw: self-harm mention #cw: suicidality mention #cw: child abuse mention #lily orchard is a predator #anti lily orchard #mini essay #tangent #serious post

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msfeatherfreckles · 4 months

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Our dogs are tolerating the new year's eve noise pretty well.

I am not.

Hours of torture.

The neighbors have had their karaoke machine thumping away since 4 in the afternoon. Downstairs, people are watching an action movie with lots of gunfire with the volume cranked waaay up.

My ears hurt, my brain hurts, my chest hurts, my lungs feel like they're filled with cotton, and my teeth hurt from clenching my jaw.

I am thiiis close to a mental breakdown or a temper tantrum or both.

I am having intrusive thoughts of breaking every piece of glass in the house and slitting my wrists with them, or of making myself fall down the stairs and cracking my head on the steps.

It's an hour past midnight, people! Go the fuck to sleep so that i can have some quiet in which to reassemble my sanity!

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themerriweathermage · 2 years

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What Doesn’t Kill You (Makes A Fighter)

Summary: Bren can’t so easily take Quinn and his people under his wings, knowing that if he brings them into the heart of his Estate, he will lose everyone’s trust. So he makes a plan with Lydia to build a Summit out in the mountains... Only to find himself put on an impromptu vacation.

Pairing(s): Sunny X Nix, It's Complicated (Quinn X Bren)

POV: 1st Person (Bren)

Warnings: Mention of Self-Harm, Mention of Suicidal Ideation, Canon Typical Violence (Death/Blood Mention), Mention of Chronic Pain/Illness

Co-Creator: @i-drink-and-i-write-fics

Divider Credit: firefly-graphics

“No.” Nix hadn’t even looked up from scooping out the bright pink cinnamon rolls from the pan. One of the many recipes she remembered from our old world.

“What do you mean, ‘no’? I haven’t even asked anything.”

“You came into the room, looked at me and Sunny, and hesitated. That only means one thing and my answer is no.”

“Am I that predictable?”

“Only in regards to He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named.”

“Somehow, I think Voldemort is worse,” I replied dryly.

“Debatable,” was Nix’s response. She then looked up at me. “If you let him in here, Meraxes will use him as a new chew toy.”

“Not if you tell her not to.”

“This isn’t about whether or not I can issue that command - which, spoiler alert, I won’t. This is about how she wouldn’t listen to me anyway. I am Meraxes’s top protection priority. It’s just the way she was built. But she also knows what you and Sunny mean to me, so you both are a close second with Lydia right behind. She knows from me talking, what he did to Lydia and Sunny. She saw what Quinn did to you. She could feel what I wanted to do to him. And I didn’t - not solely because of you, though I know you would have been mad at me for quite some time - but because I didn’t want the image burned in my head. But if I’m not around…”

I was quiet at her words, forgetting, in the heat of wanting to help Quinn’s people, that the issue with Meraxes was more complicated than most realized. “His people need our help.”

Nix sighed. “I don’t doubt that. But you cannot let him into the heart of our barony. Not just because I trust him as far as I can throw my mother’s grand piano. But because we will lose our people’s trust. They know what he did. They know how Lydia was treated, my almost imprisonment, Sunny having poison blades used on him, and what almost happened to you. If we let him into the estate, we will lose everyone.”

I grew quiet at her words. She was right, as much as I hated to admit it. “But-”

She sighed again and pulled me over to the table to sit with her and Sunny, who had been quietly observing this whole time. “I can offer you two solutions: take him to the Port Town to have this meeting and take Sunny and Lydia. Meraxes will be close by in case anything happens.”

“Or?”

“Or, you find or build a cabin at the borders of our baronies and have the meeting there. Again, with Sunny, Lydia, and Meraxes.”

“You’re not going to lecture me about Quinn?”

“It’s just going to go in one ear and out the other, unfortunately. And thanks to Lydia, I have to prepare for a party announcing my engagement to Sunny as well as a wedding. My neurodivergent head is already at capacity.”

I nodded my head. “Thank you.”

“You’re up late.” Lydia murmured, seeing me sitting at the desk in the office, in contemplative thought, considering each of Nix’s ideas. Neither one of them particularly suited me. Using the port town meant that I couldn’t showcase our barony, and yet pulling something together in our barony in such a short time seemed almost impossible. Even with my gift...

“Thinking.” I replied softly. There were hideouts we could use, places lesser inhabited by citizens, places used by our nomads who didn’t have an opinion on us one way or another.

“About helping Quinn?” She asked. I sighed, rubbing my temples.

“Why does everyone assume that this is about Quinn?” She gave me a telling look. “His people...”

“Need our help.” She finished. “So you want to guide him into the right path.”

“It isn’t about him.” I protested again, weaker this time. She only raised an eyebrow in my direction. “I have to try.” I admitted lowly. “I have to try, even if he throws my advice to the wind like he’s done so many times before. I have to lead by example.”

“And how goes your planning?”

“Shit.” I muttered. “It’s going like shit. If I use the port town, I can’t showcase our barony. If I use the barony lines, it’s going to take me too long to build anything. I was thinking about heading to one of the lesser used hideouts.”

“Why not use Gideon’s headquarters?” Lydia asked. “The rail runs right through it. Can’t it take us there on the way through to Rojas’ territory on its supply run?”

“The mountain valley?” It was secluded enough that only nomads attempted the run to the depot between the two mountain tunnels. Lesser inhabited, but still lush, and whatever was built for the summit could remain in place to provide better shelter instead of just using the old airplane hangar. “It would delay the trade route by a few days.”

“I’m sure Rojas wouldn’t mind too much.”

“He might, if he knows the 611 carries Quinn.” Lydia stifled a giggle.

“But it will also give you the chance to showcase to Quinn why your alliances hold strong. If he pays attention.”

“Big if.” I muttered under my breath. That time she laughed.

“You should get some sleep. I doubt having a tired mind will do you any good.” I wrinkled my nose, even though I knew she was right. But all I ever wanted to do was sleep, sleep and remember the good times gone past, sleep and try to forget what kind of toll the Badlands was taking on me.

It showed through more now than I ever wanted it to, so I tried to keep that part locked down and hidden away. I used my gift more than ever, mostly to mitigate the chronic pain but there were days when I just didn’t have the strength to keep up with that demand. And there were days when I wished that we’d been thrown anywhere else through that portal, anywhere but the Badlands.

More grey than ever was starting to color my hair. I knew part of it was just going to do that as I got older but stress more than anything caused it to happen more rapidly. The scars that I had gotten here contributed to a host of aches and pains that I hadn’t known could run so deeply. And the fact that I’d come through the portal, well, me, but with almost everything that had made me me certainly didn’t help the situation.

“I know what you’re doing.” Lydia’s voice cut through my thoughts.

“It is not fair that you can see right through me.” I murmured.

“You don’t have to hide yourself away.”

“If I don’t, I can’t be the baron my people need. I can’t be anyone with that kind of pain. I’ve lived through it enough; it’s debilitating.” I replied, leaning on my hand. “The gift mitigates that, some of it anyway.”

“Enough to get by?” Lydia asked.

“Ha!” I barked out a dry laugh. It would have been easier if Quinn had actually put his money where his mouth was and just fucking ended it, but we couldn’t do things the easy way, could we? I frowned at the intrusive thought; that brought back far too many memories and none of them good. “I need a drink. A strong one.”

“Whiskey?”

“Vodka.” I muttered. “Straight.” It couldn’t have been a minute later before there was a shot sitting on my paperwork and I downed it, grimacing at the taste. But it did what I needed it to do, distracted me from my current thoughts and grounded me to the present.

“I’ll never understand why you drink it if you don’t like it.”

“Because it keeps me here, keeps me grounded, keeps me from thinking about things that shouldn’t be thought about.” I replied. “And you’re right; I should probably get some rest.” I stood, aiming to head out when her touch on my shoulder stopped me.

“Don’t...” She paused for a moment, “Don’t do anything drastic, Bren.”

“I won’t.” I promised quietly. At this point, it was probably just better that I got some sleep, retreating into my quarters.

Morning came too early, as it always did. I made myself scarce from the Estate, holing up in Club Euphorbia where the lights were dim, setting some music to play. In the wake of Dominique’s exit, the club had gone dark, with no one to mitigate between my responsibilities and the costs of running it. I sprawled out my supplies in my lounge, setting to work, seemingly undisturbed for most of the day.

“So this is the great Club Euphorbia.” There was a knock on the door and I looked up, seeing Lydia in the doorway. “Quieter than I expected.”

“Dom managed it on the side. With him gone...” I let the sentence trail. “I suppose I ruffled some feathers by leaving early this morning?” I turned my attention back to my paperwork.

“You’re the baron. You can go where you like.” She replied. “Sebastian told me you were here.” I furrowed my brow. I had never quite gotten used to having a Clipper insist on being at my side quite like ours did, but that name was familiar, and not one of our own. “Quinn usually had him assigned as my personal guard. He wasn’t at liberty to be transferred with me when Quinn gave me away, but he left after the fiasco at the poppy fields. He comes and goes with the nomads.” Lydia approached, almost cautiously. But I’d be cautious too; I’d let my guard down here, gotten comfortable.

She made her way over to my lounge, peering over the edge and into my paperwork and distracted drawings. “Any more luck on your planning?”

“I thought about what you said about using Gideon’s headquarters and decided to see what I could do about creating a town in the mountain valley. The nomads already have a trading post in the old airplane hangar. They could... settle there if they wanted.”

“Projected cost?”

“Labor and supplies shouldn’t be difficult to come by. We’ll see about enlisting the nomads there already. If everybody pitches in, the project shouldn’t take too long.”

“Lodging, permanent vendors, what else are you talking?”

“Probably an infirmary and let’s see about getting an actual depot set up for the rail.”

“I can do that.” Lydia murmured, taking a seat on the edge of the couch. “I just... I don’t want you doing this alone, Bren.” I met eyes with her for a moment before glancing away. I wasn’t drunk enough-- or sober enough for that matter-- for this conversation.

“Because of Quinn?” I’ll admit that my tone was... not so nice.

“Because you work too much. Sure, you’ve thrown yourself back into the barony, into keeping your promises and your oaths, but Bren, what part of throwing yourself back into the barony has been about taking care of yourself? You won’t give me a moment edgewise to slide something into your schedule to let you relax.”

“The needs of many outweigh the needs of one.” I replied. “My needs can wait.”

“Until what? Until you work yourself into a grave?” I shrugged.

“Why not? Quinn already took the measurements for it.” Lydia blinked, slowly giving me a measured, almost prising look.

“Do you... wish that he had?”

“It’s just an expression.” I mumbled quietly, crossing my arm over my chest, uncomfortable with where the topic was heading, already treading into dangerous territory, much like last night had been.

“Bren--”

“It’s complicated.”

“Okay.” She started softly. “We don’t have to talk about it. Did you want me to get started on your plans for the summit?”

“It can wait until tomorrow.” I knew my answer was clipped, knew that my thoughts were going somewhere they shouldn’t be. I heaved a sigh, scowling. Why here, and why now of all times? Why when there was work to be done?

“Do you want me to stay?” I looked away from her. “I can go, Bren, if you need some time alone.”

“No.” I tried to keep my voice level. “Don’t go. Not like this. Not when I’m like this.” Not when I can’t trust myself to be alone.

“Do you... need a drink?” I blanched. Last night had been about the drink to ground me back. If I started drinking now, I would never want to stop. Lydia touched my shoulder lightly. Life was so different here in the Badlands, and as a baron particularly, when every move was watched and scrutinized. Her touch was comforting. “I worry for you, Bren.”

“The storm will pass. It always does.” I whispered.

“You shouldn’t have to weather it alone.” She murmured.

“Maybe.” I compiled my papers into a folder, setting it aside. “Did you come alone?” She nodded. “Let’s head out to Rojas’ territory, let him know why the supply run will be late. After that, you can start delegating the work when we return, as you see fit.”

It turns out that Lydia’s idea of delegating the work was to completely absolve me of any of it, by means of planting me in Minerva’s barony, complete with Waldo to distract me.

“Um...” I turned to Lydia but she was already leaving, a packed bag at my feet.

“Apparently you work too much.” Minerva commented. “Welcome back to the Lodge, Bren.”

“I... thank you for hosting me, apparently.” I replied, picking up my bags. “So this is what I get when I tell her to delegate. How uh.... How long am I staying?”

“Until Gideon’s gets built.” Waldo rolled up then.

“I see I’m being conspired against.” I teased. He gave me a smile.

“Or until you decide that helping my barony isn’t worth it.”

“It has at least one good man. That’s enough to fight for.” I murmured. Waldo chuckled.

“Stubborn.” He muttered under his breath. I only shook my head at him, pretending not to hear. He followed me inside as Minerva took the lead, giving me a tour. It had been awhile since I’d been and coming here brought back memories.

“You are very far away.” I gave Minerva a small smile.

“Thinking about the first time we came here.”

“About whether you would have been a baron if you’d stayed?”

“As simple as our lives were back then, we were only focused on survival. Our futures were so uncertain then.” I murmured. I had no doubt that Minerva and I were thinking about the same thing, but perhaps in a different light. She continued the tour without continuing the conversation, letting it go, showing me the gardens and the libraries. It probably wasn’t chance that we found Gaius in there, shelving books with a few of her other staff.

“She’s putting you to work I see.” Gaius looked up.

“Well... most Cogs don’t know how to read so it helps to have someone who can dictate placement.”

“A man of your talents shelving books.” I shared a look with Gaius for a moment, and he also noticed that we had been left alone. “If I didn’t know better...”

“I’d say my baron is playing matchmaker.” Gaius replied. “It’s good to see you, Baron.” I gave him a weak smile.

“Any chance I can get you to call me Bren?”

“No title, huh?” He asked, folding a stack of books under his arm.

“There’s a time and place for titles and it isn’t here or now. Unless you really fancy me calling you Lord Chau?” Gaius choked, nearly dropping his pile of books. I stifled a chuckle, hand out to steady him. “Why don’t I help you put these away... Lord Chau?”

“You enjoy flustering people, don’t you?” Gaius asked, handing me half the books and turning away to face the shelf. But even I could see how pink his cheeks were in the dimness of the room.

“I know how to use certain titles to elicit reactions, if that’s the answer you’re seeking. Not everybody reacts the same way. Sometimes it’s just a sign of respect or politeness,”

“And other times?”

“Some people react with hunger. Or embarrassment.”

“Are you embarrassed of your title, Baron Bren?”

“I don’t see the need for a title until my rank is questioned, until my position at the head of my barony is questioned, or until my people are threatened. And even then I will not be a baron.”

“What will you be?” Gaius spared me a curious look.

“A Dragon-Lord.” I replied, shelving the book, fingers lingering on the faded gold embossed lettering. We worked quickly together, quietly finishing up the day’s work. “Have you ever read any of these books?”

“Some, but not most of them. Mother insisted we be trained in the classics. Free reading wasn’t encouraged.”

“Free thinking wasn’t encouraged.” Gaius shrugged slightly.

“They say there is no easy way to be a baron, and my family has always expected their barons to be the best. If you take your feelings out of the equation, supposedly it’s easy. But I could never find taking my feelings out of the equation to be that easy. The others make it look easy... but you can never take things at face-value in the Badlands.”

The vacation was... nice. It was kind of Lydia to think about me and disheartening that she knew me as well as she did, that I was so easy to read to her.

“I know that look.” Waldo murmured, joining me in the gardens. “Not enjoying your time off?”

“I should be out there helping.”

“You need this. Time away from your barony and all. Everybody does. Not everybody gets it.”

“Yeah.” I looked to the ground. “I’m hearing that you think I should be thankful for something I didn’t have a choice in.”

“Nix has the barony. Let Lydia take care of Gideon’s.”

“It feels... wrong.” I murmured, taking a seat on the stone edge of a fountain, admiring the flowers and the fountains and feeling it go right through me like a soulless joy.”

“Everything you ever wanted doesn’t taste like honey anymore?” Waldo asked. I glanced at him, keeping my gaze lowered, meeting his eyes like a petulant child. “You’re gonna tell that all you ever wanted was Quinn, aren’t you?”

“It’s... good to be in the kind of position that allows me to change the way things run in the Badlands,”

“But?” Waldo prompted.

“Well,” I sighed, “I think you know the rest as well as I do.”

“You and Gaius seem to be getting along well enough together.” Waldo offered. “You work well as a team.”

“Don’t think I don’t know what you and Minerva are doing. And don’t think he doesn’t know either.”

“So what do you think about him?” I sighed, deciding to humor Waldo for once.

“He’s very pretty.” Waldo snorted.

“Prettiness aside...”

“Come on, Waldo.” I pushed myself to my feet. “If I tell you the right words, will it make you stop asking? He’s nice. He’d be a good baron, and a good partner for anyone.” I replied flatly. Waldo heaved a sigh from behind me.

“I wish you’d never come to the Badlands.”

“Sometimes I wish that too.” I murmured, watching the sun setting on the horizon. “Sometimes I wish we could have gone anywhere but here. Anywhere would hurt less.” It was still hard to be vulnerable, and Waldo had seen a lot of it. “Being anyone else would hurt less.” I could feel my voice breaking in my chest. “If I could turn off, what makes me--”

“You, you’d be miserable.”

“I’m miserable now, Waldo!” I turned to face him, lips trembling, tears brimming my eyes. “The man I love tried to kill me, I’m being benched in my own barony, and most days I can’t even keep up with the magic that makes life easier. I just want to unapologetically be me, but unapologetically be me and it not hurt for once. It never stops hurting!” By now, I’d curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest. It was a scream on my lips, wordless and soundless, just an empty keen that made my whole back hurt with the sheer force. The tears were silent, tracking down my face even though I’d tried to keep them at bay.

This ran deeper than Quinn, Waldo realized, and explained Lydia’s worry. “What can I do to help?” “Tch.” I knew his offer was genuine but he wouldn’t have liked my answer. I didn’t even like my answer, and I knew it was born from hurt and sarcasm and morbid humor. I just hugged myself tighter.

“They worry because they love you, Bren. You’re not being benched; you’re hurting. You need time to recover. They just want to make sure you don’t push yourself too far before you’re ready. Which... you’re doing, if you don’t even have the energy to keep up with your own magic.”

Glad someone around here knew how to keep their own head about them. And I hated that he made sense. But there was a reason he was here, and a reason I had gone to him in moments of distress like this. Because one of us needed to keep some rationality, and I knew he could see the things I couldn’t, things that my brain wouldn’t let me see. I let out another wretched sigh, my breath ragged.

What if I run away to Mars?

Would you find me in the stars?

Would you miss me in the end?

If I run out of oxygen?

When I run away to Mars.

And Waldo knows the song isn’t for him. That it’s borne of heartbreak and anger and loneliness and pain, and it’s so unexpressed and bitter. He can hear the sadness.

“Kid...” It was silent for the longest time and then his hand landed on my shoulder, squeezing tightly. And like Waldo had always done for me, he sat and listened. He was there. At this point I didn’t want words or reassurance; I just needed to know he was there.

Gods only knew how much I wished that my own brain wouldn’t work against me. It felt like wallowing in my own misery, and wanting to help, and trying to help, but nothing would come out the way I wanted it to. Or just losing another part of myself to the way of the Badlands.

It was quiet for the longest time, Waldo and I sitting in contemplative silence. Oh Waldo knew he was out of his depth. Quinn he could handle, and any issues with Quinn he could handle. But people like Bren didn’t exist in the Badlands. Gaius was probably the closest thing and even he was a battle hardened warrior.

“I want you to do something for me.” Waldo’s voice broke me out of my reverie. I looked up from nursing his touch on my shoulder. “I want you to start training again.”

“Waldo, I’m not a fighter.” I started.

“Don’t bullshit me.” Waldo teased, his expression turning serious. “You’ve endured it, survived it, seen the shitty side of the Badlands. Fight it. Fight for something better.”

“So when do we start training?” Waldo chuckled.

“Find someone who fights like you do, and ask them to train you. Cause we both know it ain’t me.”

“Heh.” I chuckled at that. I knew his meaning well enough. He wasn’t asking me to train with him because his style was different from mine; he was asking me to find someone who fought for the same things I did. Someone that wasn’t him. Someone that wasn’t Nix. Someone born and raised in the Badlands. “Thanks for staying. And for listening.”

I hadn’t picked up my blades in a long time. Not since the incident out in the wilds. There was no reason to. So when Waldo dropped them off at the Lodge, I spent a long time staring at them. I didn’t remember bringing them both home which meant the other one had to have been recovered in the field. In fact, I still didn’t remember much about coming home at all.

They were Minerva’s, or rather a gift from the Butterfly Territory to help us survive out in the wilds. Since we hadn’t stayed with her-- since I’d gone chasing a dream-- she felt it better for us to be equipped to survive the Armadillo Territory. The butterfly design started the dagger, and then split into two separate blades that could be taken apart and wielded separately. But they were in a state of disrepair, and needed to be cleaned and polished as much as any tool.

So I spent one of my afternoons re-wrapping the leather hilts and polishing the blades, running them over a whetstone until they were sharp again.

“You kept them.” Minerva had found me, tucked away in her butterflies’ barracks. I took in a deep breath.

“I did.”

The image of blood spattering on a concrete ground flashed through my mind. I didn’t remember killing Zephyr like I remembered killing Ryder.

“They saved my life.”

He was hardly innocent, though he’d been unarmed, and I could have left him there.

She noticed the measured look. “You never really forget the first life you take.”

“I don’t remember Zephyr.” I replied. “But I’ll never forget the way Ryder died.”

The way his back arched and his twisted cry of pain when his head hit the ground as I’d swept his leg and shoved him to the ground in an adrenaline fueled escape.

“It was no secret that he hated you. Would have killed you if he’d had the chance.”

The way his nails had clawed into me as we both locked into the mode of life or death, my hand at his throat, thumb gripping into his jugular.

I should have left him there. I should have left it at that. But I hadn’t. I had ensured that he wouldn’t pursue me. That he wouldn’t ever come after me again.

The dagger I sharpened now was the very same one that I plunged through his skull. Death had been almost instantaneous. He’d barely had the time to cry out, let alone feel it.

That didn’t make it any less worse.

I could still hear the back of his hand hitting the ground when he ceased to struggle. I could still see the way the blood dripped off the blade. And then the next thing I remembered was being pursued.

“In another universe, perhaps we could have been friends.” I murmured lowly, cleaning the grit off the blade to examine it.

“Those wishes are wasted on the Badlands, Bren.”

“He was unarmed.”

“It didn’t make him any less dangerous. Being unarmed doesn’t make you or me any less dangerous.”

“Waldo wants me to start training again.”

“Oh? Is that why you’re in here, sharpening your blades?” Minerva asked. I didn’t meet her eyes.

“I want you to teach me how to fight.”

“Me?” Minerva couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. “Anyone in the Badlands and you pick me? Bren, I...”

“You and I, we fight for the same goal. We might come from different backgrounds, but we’re not that different. We both want a better Badlands. We’re not fighting for us; we’re fighting for the people who can’t fight for themselves. We’re fighting for...”

“A better future.” Minerva finished. She paused for a moment, seeming to think it over. “I accept.”

#Welcome to the Badlands Series #Welcome to the Badlands #Sunny X OFC #Quinn X OMC #Into the Badlands Fanfic #cw: canon typical violence #cw: blood mention #cw: death mention #cw: self-harm mention #cw: suicidal ideation mention #cw: chronic pain/illness

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cupcakeslushie · 3 months

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Does Donnie ever lash out at any of his brothers during an "episode"?

For the most part Donnie tends to direct any harmful actions inwards, but of course his brothers won’t just sit there and watch him hurt himself. So it’s only when they try to intervene that they get caught in the crossfire. They never hold it against Donnie, though.

#rottmnt #rottmnt fanart #tmnt #tmnt fanart #rise of the tmnt #rise donnie #rise leo #rise raph #rise mikey #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt separated au #separated au #ask slushie #my art #cw self harm mention #cw blood #queued post

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stonecoldmeme · 2 years

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Noctis wheezed just a little bit when Prompto squeezed him. Too tight! But, he understood. He thought. "Known..." Known what? Anything, apparently. "I won't be mad if you don't wanna show me anymore, you know? Just keep it clean, and don't you dare-" He cleared his throat, trying to keep calm. "Don't hurt Prompto. Because I love him, and you love me, so you should love yourself- Well... Take care of yourself, anyway. And I'll take care of the birds, and... me, I guess."

Burying his face in Noct’s shirt for another few seconds, he took a deep breath. More to steady himself, sure, but the fact that Noctis always smelled good and it was comforting helped. It allowed him to sit up a little more properly, not letting go completely, but being a little more at eye level. “Probably, you know. Best to keep it covered. For a lot of reasons.”

The rest... The rest... Prompto moved to rest his cheek on his fiance’s shoulder. “Things are different now, you know? I’m not... alone. Maybe I’m not thrilled with why the tattoo’s a thing, but I-- Knowing’s important. And there’s you. You’re kind of important too.” He teased, voice a little lighter.

Another few seconds of thoughtful silence passed before he added, “Not saying there won’t ever be bad days or whatever, but... I’ve got better ways to deal with stuff now, yeah? Like talking, I guess. Better stuff to focus on, besides. You, the birds... the house, the wedding. Doing the stuff we want to do with life, right?”

#IC #painedprince #GameverseAU!Prompto - Chocobo Wranglers #cw: self-harm mention #...kind of distantly at this point but...#((...okay just a little more before fluff))#((.........I think))

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sonicexelle-junkary · 2 months

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All the stages for this freaky thing that’s going on. Taking a bit of inspiration from other apocalypse stories. Not all of the information, but enough for now.

#art #fanart #sketches #sonic horror au #chaos fever #CW: body horror #CW: self harm mention

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incognitopolls · 2 months

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We ask your questions so you don’t have to! Submit your questions to have them posted anonymously as polls.

#polls #incognito polls #anonymous #tumblr polls #tumblr users #questions #miscellaneous polls #submitted nov 28 #self harm cw #tw self harm #sh mention #tw sh #sh cw

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deadeyedfae · 3 months

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Here it is! Part 3 of Dead Eyed Ivy Second Puberty Edition 💜🏳️‍⚧️

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shcultureis · 16 days

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SH culture is your scars fcking itch like hell

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much-ado-about-whumping · 1 year

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Help for when you’re having a rough time

(If you're looking for my old pinned post with my whump masterlists, you can find it here.)

In light of some deeply sad news in the whump community today, I’m thinking about how many of us here struggle with mental health, sometimes including physical or mental self-harm and suicidality. Since I know lots of folks might be having a hard time right now, I wanted to share some resources that have helped me in rough moments. Please feel free to add on to this post (or make your own, if you want!) with the resources that have worked for you.

First, a note:

Trauma, shame, and suicidality all tend to isolate - they make us feel like we’re all alone in the world, like no one else would understand us, and like the only solutions we have available to us are ones we can think of all by ourselves. In my experience, the antidote to that is connection. If you’re feeling scared or alone, you can hop into my asks or DMs if you want. I’m sure there are other folks in this community who would offer that, too. Many of us have grappled with mental health struggles, including suicidal ideation, and sometimes we can offer each other the care that can be hard to offer ourselves. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need support.

A quick note about location: I live in the US, but about half the resources in this post are written guides you can access from anywhere. The hotlines and warmlines linked below are US-based. One or two are accessible in Canada or have an online chat or moderated forum that could be accessed anywhere. If you have good local resources from another place, please reblog and add them! (Thank you, @straight-to-the-pain, for flagging this in the notes!)

That said, here’s my absolute first recommendation if you’re feeling generally awful and don’t know what to do:

1. You Feel Like Shit (also available at its original site here)

If you’ve read a lot of ~self care tips~ in your life (and if you’re a bit of a salty bitch like me), you might be sick of being told to eat something and take a nap. (I don’t think we can hydrate our way out of long-term trauma and late-stage capitalistic hell, but thanks.) That said, I’ve found this site REALLY helpful. Personally, I have ADHD and CPTSD, a combination that makes it ROUGH for me to know how to take care of myself sometimes. This site speaks to you calmly, like a non-judgemental friend, and walks you through steps that you might struggle with if you have a hard time with executive function in general, or if you’re ill, grieving, overwhelmed, or otherwise just off your game. I pretty much always walk away feeling at least a little better, even if I don’t complete every step.

There are more suggestions and resources below the cut. Wishing everyone in this community love and care. <3

2. The 15-Minute Rule (info available in many places; after a quick google, I really like this site as a place to start)

One key principle to understanding the resources I’ve put together here is the 15-minute rule. If you’re feeling an urge towards physical or mental self-harm or suicide, studies show that the urge is unlikely to last more than about 15 minutes at its peak intensity. (Sorry I don’t have data on this off the bat - anecdotally, I can tell you that this rule also tracks with my own personal experience.) This means that, if you’re presently feeling overwhelmed by grief or pain that’s turning inwards on you, if you can stay afloat through the next few minutes, the tide of it is likely to ebb. The site I linked above has information about this concept and some great harm-reduction ideas, too. (Another resource on this that I liked in my quick search is here.)

3. Read This First (a compassionate distraction from feelings of self-harm)

I’m gonna be honest; this resource is aimed at folks having urges towards physical self-harm, but it looks like something I would find helpful with urges towards emotional self-harm, too. (It also looks like it could be handy for body-focused repetitive behaviors - BFRBs - like dermatillomania/skin-picking or trichotillomania/hair-pulling).

4. Resources from Pete Walker, psychotherapist and author of Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving

Obviously not everyone reading this will have complex PTSD (also called C-PTSD), but if you’re a person who, in general, tends to beat yourself up a lot, I’d highly recommend checking Pete Walker’s work out. If some of it doesn’t apply to you, that’s okay - take what you need, and leave the rest. This site (and the book it references most heavily) assumes you may have had parents who were emotionally or physically abusive or neglectful. If that doesn’t ring true for you, but other parts of the resources seem helpful, use them anyway! A handy place to start maybe this page on Shrinking the Inner Critic in Complex PTSD (that is, reducing the volume of the voice that screeches unpleasantness at you when you feel ashamed or scared).

As a note: this website looks VERY mid-2000s (which I kind of love). Most of the resources you want will be in the right-hand column full of links. Some of those links will open new pages, and some will automatically try to download a PDF of the article you want to read.

5. Warmlines:

This is something I just learned today - if you’re feeling really lonely and sad, but you’re not in immediate crisis, there are warmlines you can contact! These seem to be numbers where you can call (or sometimes text) to talk with a counselor or trained peer when you need support and connection. I can’t vouch for any of these numbers personally, but as someone who has definitely thought, “It’s not bad enough to REALLY need help,” I think this is a fabulous idea. Here’s a list of warmlines you can check out in the US.

6. Specialized hotlines:

There are lots of good crisis hotlines out there, but some may be better for your needs than others. For one thing, if you’re feeling seriously suicidal, it’s good to know the policies of the hotline you’re calling. In my opinion, everyone deserves bodily autonomy and the right to refuse care; for that reason, I think it’s important to know the policy of the hotline you’re calling as to whether or not they’ll call emergency services without your consent. Everyone has to make their own judgment call on this one, and I’m a little too (lightly!) triggered to go deep into my analysis on this right now, but I wanted to flag that it’s something to be aware of - if you’re going to call a hotline, you can try to look up their policy on calling emergency services before you contact them. You could probably even ask them in the beginning of the call. (A script: “Before we start, can you tell me what your policy is about contacting emergency services on behalf of callers?” If this is true, you can add: “I’m having some feelings of [suicidality/self-harm], but I’m safe and am not in danger of hurting myself or others.”)

With that in mind, here are some hotlines that seem promising to me, in no particular order:

A. For queer and trans folks in general:

Trans LifeLine

Available in the US (1-877-565-8860) and Canada (1-877-330-6366)

Available in English and Spanish

Will NOT call emergency services without your consent (you can read more about this policy on their website, including here)

Peer to peer support for transgender and questioning folks; also, microgrants (small amounts of money) for trans-related needs!

Does not offer text/chat-based support

I’ve never used Trans LifeLine myself, but I’ve heard excellent things about it from peers who have.

The Trevor Project:

Support from trained counselors for queer, trans, and questioning folks

Definitely available in the US; I’m not sure where else.

Offers support via phone (1-866-488-7386), text message (678-678), and online chat (link here - scroll down to Start Chat)

Also offers an online peer support space, TrevorSpace, for folks ages 13-24

Their site says, “In very specific instances of abuse or a clear concern of an in-progress or imminent suicide, Trevor counselors may need to contact a child welfare agency or emergency service.” When you click Learn More, it takes you to their Terms of Service (informative, but in legalese that might be hard to parse if you’re in crisis).

Again, not a service I’ve used myself, but I’ve heard good things!

B. For BIPOC folks (Black folks, Indigenous folks, and people of color more broadly), especially those who also hold LQBTQI identities:

Call Blackline:

Available via phone or text (both at 1-800-604-5841)

Available for people in crisis. Call Blackline can also help connect you with local community organizers and officials if you need to report a negative, inappropriate, or physical interaction with police, other law enforcement, or vigilantes.

From their website:

Call BlackLine® provides a space for peer support, counseling, reporting of mistreatment, witnessing and affirming the lived experiences for folxs who are most impacted by systematic oppression with an LGBTQ+ Black Femme Lens.Call BlackLine® prioritizes BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, and People of Color). By us for us.

Here’s what I found regarding their policy on emergency services:

You do not have to provide any personal information to use the service. All calls remain private and will never be shared with law enforcement or state agencies of any kind.

Of course, a BIPOC person can contact any hotline for support, but for people dealing with racism, anti-Blackness, and other specific bigotries, I can very much see the importance of talking to someone who shares or understands that experience.

C. For folks processing bad psychedelic trips:

Fireside Project:

This one is something I didn’t even know existed! They do call- or text-based support (1-623-473-7433, or 1-62-FIRESIDE) for people processing psychedelic drug experiences, available 11am to 11pm Pacific time. I don’t have a ton more info, but their site seems really interesting and like they’re serving a unique need.

7. A soothing distraction:

One of the glories of the internet is the fact that it enables us to conjure up images of kittens at a moment’s notice. In that vein, I want to offer up a VERY cute distraction: Peptoc is a hotline (1-707-873-7862, or 1-707-8PEPTOC) where you can hear encouraging messages in English or Spanish from kindergarteners. How sweet is that? (Thanks to the wonderful @newbornwhumperfly for this suggestion!)

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Beloved whump community, I want to know about things that help you when you’re struggling. Please feel free to share them if you want.

And, Moya - we’ll miss you so, so much, even those of us (like me) who didn’t know you well. May your memory be an absolute blessing. <3

(I was going to put this in the tags, but oops, it’s going up here - I really hope this post will be helpful to someone, but it was also helpful to me to build. I feel better in a crisis when I can find a way to help - it’s how I soothe myself when I’m sad or scared. I really hope this doesn’t seem preachy or self-aggrandizing - it’s really just me processing-processing-processing. <3)

One more note: if this post makes you think you might want to follow my blog, you're totally welcome, but you should check out my note here first. This is not a DNI list; it's just a heads-up about my content, which could be inappropriate or triggering for some people.

#whump community #how to be a person in the world #ways to stay afloat #suicide mention cw #suicidality mention cw #self-harm mention cw #resources for taking care of yourself #bel talks #touchstones #sorry another disclaimer but also i know my experiences are not universal #my feelings might come from a really different place than other people's feelings #idk for instance if any of the shit in this post would have been at all useful to moya #but I'm sharing it anyway in case it's useful to SOMEONE

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