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dontcallmecarrie · 1 year

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For anyone wondering what’s going on with BDEL, Darth Calamity and...basically 99% of my AUs: every time I write, stuff going on in my life keeps coming out. Which normally isn’t bad, but we’re talking soap opera levels here. Like, ‘any more and I might as well write a biography’, and that’s Not Fun on a number of levels.

So, status update/ my internal narration on what keeps running through my head on the AUs you guys may or may not be wanting to hear about. Heads up for some minor spoilers, but way less than the outlines linked on my pinned post.

By Dawn’s Early Light:

...I have all of one (1) scene I’m eager to see, and that’s Howard Stark getting punched by Bucky in front of Steve Rogers. And maybe reassess how realistic this AU is, but tbh that feels more like something to tackle in the Coding Nightmare Fic I Have Yet To Finish because like hell I’m rewriting this fic.

By Myself But Not Alone:

look upon my works, ye mighty, and despair! Sing, oh muse, of the hubris of the fool who thought they could make their overly-complicated vision into a reality while only knowing the bare-bones basics of HTML.

...okay, but really, my main problem is that I’ve got several dozen pages of handwritten notes and outlines of potential Bad Endings to spice things up, but. Completely and utterly blocked on actually writing it out. Kinda debating on just posting what I’ve got and calling it a day because my brain refuses to expand on anything right now.

Live Through The Rain AU:

First off, I really want to brush up on Welcome to Night Vale to make sure I’ve got the tone right. Secondly, this one’s slated for Howard Stark redemption/character development boot camp via ‘yeah your world was just completely upended by one of the people you trusted most, no, that was just the first of many curveballs coming your way’, which I write when I’m trying to tackle a sympathetic and nuanced perspective of a very, very complicated man with a lot of issues.

...which means I have to be in the frame of mind to be sympathetic. Which, right now, I am not.

Incidentally, if you’ve noticed a sharp uptick in the levels of family drama in NHDD, this is why. Justin’s father is what happens when I am not inclined towards trying to be sympathetic towards parents who don’t have their shit together and insist on dragging everyone else down with them, Howard Stark is what happens when I’m not venting my issues onto fictional characters. [...apologies, btw, for anyone reading this. I try to keep personal stuff personal, but. This stuff keeps leaking into everything I touch, no matter how hard I try.]

Blurred Lines:

...this was my first fanfic, really. I’m kinda torn on how to approach it, really, because I started it out as an exhausted aspiring pre-med student who was not in a great place.

It’s been years since then; I am not where I’d once expected to be. It’s been over a decade since I’ve been up to date on what’s going on in Doctor Who, and noped out of Sherlock after the hot mess that happened after Season 2. On top of that, my writing’s all over the place because my teenage self had a long way to go when it came to storytelling, and part of me wants to go back and edit but the rest of me can’t help but think, ‘no, this fic has literally grown with you,’ even if it sounds cheesy as all get out.

All I know is, I want to finish this fic. I have a bullet point outline, next to no knowledge of Doctor Who lore and probably need to do a lot of research to do it, but it is going to happen. Eventually.

Ere The World Falls/The Lullaby of Obliteration:

Writer’s block hit me like a battering ram because ETWF was supposed to be finished in a week.

Look, this is what happens when all you have is a single scene you desperately want in the next chapter, but absolutely nothing else. Specifically, this snippet:

“Oh, I like you,” Hela laughed, something as cold and sharp as the rest of her and Tony didn’t know if he was imagining the goosebumps he felt right now.

Also, ETWF’s meant to be chaos incarnate and found family and end with hope for a better future for everyone, but... I kinda wrote myself into a corner on some things, and found a great way to tie Norse mythology and Marvel comics lore that would require either a lot of heavy editing, or a grimdark remix that I don’t actually have the energy to tackle, because I really kinda need happy endings right now.

Darth Calamity/The Man Who Sold The World:

you know what? I’ve been up to my ears in rl family drama, I am not up to writing fictional angst right now. The remix with more identity shenanigans? Maybe, but first I have to wade through Skywalker family drama to get there. Hmm. Where’s inspiration when you need it?

No Hero [Downward Descending]:

yes, I know Justin Hammer doesn’t come across as being good at this supervillain thing. No, I don’t know how we got here either, this was supposed to be my stab at writing a SI-OC [emphasis on the OC] that got a tad bit out of hand. Especially when it came to the family drama, because I originally had zero intention of expanding on it beyond ‘Justin’s life went on Hard Mode from an early age, and it’s part of why they are Like That now’, but turns out Hammer Senior is a great heat sink for some things. Apologies for that, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ turns out I really needed to vent.

...in retrospect, I missed a golden opportunity for said OC to make a comment about vaguely expecting to see everyone running around in spandex, and that is one of the few regrets I have. Just as a metacommentary on how desaturated the movies got later on, compared to what little I know of the comics.

Beyond that, though, I’m having a lot of fun with a protagonist who accidentally weaponized the power of friendship.

The War is Far From Over Now AU:

Main fic’s finished, still too burned out to consider tackling the sidefic.

The plan currently is to take all the ‘Stuff I Couldn’t Quite Fit In’ posts I made- aka all the plot points that ended up getting cut for my sanity, because my heart had been set on finishing TWiFFON before graduating undergrad and even that ended up going sideways- and playing by ear from there.

Specific plot points I’d once been eager to tackle had included stuff like ‘The Curious Case of James ‘Bucky’ Barnes’ [aka SI Legal’s freakout over the files they end up having to sort through in the aftermath of the Civil War arc], and ‘Vision’s Adventures In Trying To Become a Psychiatrist’ because multiple commenters basically went ‘wow JARVIS really needs therapy, and no one on Earth really is equipped to help Skynet here’ and I remember thinking, “lol yeah, that’s kinda the point, but also that’s a great idea!!!” and had been planning to write something to that effect. Only, things hit the fan in my life not long after, and then burnout on top of that, and next thing I know it’s been years since I last touched this AU but still feel no inclination to do so.

#Naught rambles #thinking aloud #by myself but not alone #By Dawn's Early Light #Live Through The Rain #blurred lines #Ere the world falls #The Rise of Darth Calamity #The Man Who Sold The World #No Hero [Downward Descending]#3 am musings #writer's commentary

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gilaqueen · 1 year

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Guess where I was tonight.

And I get to go AGAIN on Saturday.

#by myself but not alone #72 seasons tour #metallica #james hetfield #kirk hammett #robert trujillo #lars ulrich

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tennant-davids · 6 months

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LOKI 2x06 Glorious Purpose

#loki #lokiedit #lokius #loki series #lokitvsource #marvelgifs #dailymarvelgifs #usereena #marveledit #mcuedit #*laurengifs #lokiusedit #userbbelcher #chewieblog #loki spoilers #may have let myself cry for another 10 mins when i realised the last thing we ever see in this series #is mobius all alone and miserable without loki #and loki all alone listening to mobius and watching over him #like that properly did me in <3 thanks for asking

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sa-dnesss · 1 year

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nobody talks about the fact that you can have all this crazy shit in your head, and want to open up and talk about your feelings but no matter what, you just can't make out the right words and properly put your thoughts and emotions into words

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spiderversegf · 3 months

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i have started asking myself “how can i make this more fun?” in regards to the things i have to do and it is such a small difference but it brings me so much delight

#🍜#sagittarius posting #but really like i just let myself stim however i want and i let myself do my weird silly harmless stuff #i used to be sooooo self conscious even when all alone! so this has been making me feel braver in a weird and unexpected way #i love joy i will never stop seeking it out!!!#ok to rb #🦠

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knifearo · 5 months

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being aromantic is like. hey btw you're going to live a life that is the culmination of most of society's worst nightmares. sorry lol ✌️ but then you turn around and take a really good hard look at it and it turns out that living in that nightmare is fucking awesome and you get to wake up every day and take that fear that other people have and laugh and hold it close until it's a great joy for you instead. and being happy is a radical act that you define instead of someone else. and you're sexy as fuck that's just a fact of life i don't make the rules on that one

#aromantic people are just sexy i'm not making the decisions here it's just facts #course ur hot as fuck. it came free with the aromanticism #being sexy is just default settings for aromantic people 👍#hope this all helps. anyway i'm on my 'i hope i die alone <3 i can't wait to die alone <3' kick rn #i think the existential fear that people have of Not Partnering specifically is so. well.#obviously that shit is strong and it is SO awesome to be free of it.#realizing you're aro and you don't Want a partner can be such a hit to the solar plexus #cause society says that's the only thing that'll make you happy. so either you go without that thing or you force yourself #into doing something you don't want which would make you unhappy anyway.#so you think it's a lose lose situation and you have to come to terms with what amatonormativity presents as the worst possible situation #but then! whoa! turns out personhood is inherently valuable in and of itself and romantic partnering is just a construct!#and that nightmare is now your life to do with as you please... define as you will... structure as you want...#best case scenario. is what i'm saying.#every day i wake up ready to spit all that amatonormative rhetoric back in life's teeth by being alone and being happy #and it's so fucking satisfying. every day.#fucking JUBILANT being by myself. and i love being a living breathing 'fuck you' to the romantic system #you need a partner to be happy? oh that's sooo fucking crazy guess i'll go be miserable then. in my perfect fucking dream life lmao #yeah obviously it's the worst possible outcome on earth to die without a partner. so terrible. can't wait for it :)#aromantic #aromanticism #aro positivity #aroace #arospec #sorry to bitches who are sad about not having a partner. i could not give a fuck though get better soon #you couldn't EVER pay me enough to go back to a mindset in which my inherent value wasn't enough by myself.#FUCK that shit. absolutely miserable and a bad life outlook in general. like genuinely do the work w/ amatonormativity and get better #life is something that can be so fulfilling whether someone wants to kiss you or whatever or not #i'm on antidepressants and i have people i care deeply about. what the fuck would i need a partner for lmao

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worthless-misery · 4 months

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Dear diary...

The fact that I'm still "alive" in 2024 just feels like a huge mistake...

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solarwreathe · 5 months

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i designed a sheikah outfit for josha like purah and robbie. they gifted it to her, but josha added the depths elements later because no one tells the president what to do.

i wanted to keep it in line with the modern sheikah's sense of style, with some allusions to their past ninja antics, hence the bandages and assassin's creed hood. all the better to slip out of lookout landing undetected. strict parents make sneaky kids, purah!

#loz #totk #tears of the kingdom #legend of zelda #josha #totk josha #loz fanart #totk fanart #sheikah #totk sheikah #tloz totk #legend of zelda tears of the kingdom #i made the mistake of putting home alone on the entire time i was drawing this #now i suffer the curse of pavlovian responsing myself when i look at it #i gotta remind myself no solar totk never had a b plot where purah and the research team accidentally left josha alone at lookout #and she created a series of ingeniously cruel sheikah traps that exploit lookout's unique terrain to foil the yiga bandits #(totk if it was good)

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jangmi-latte · 7 months

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FELLOW HONEST SHAKES

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst playful land #I TOLD MYSELF NOT TO FALL FOR ANOTHER EUROPEAN MF #LET ALONE HE'S A FOX #IF HE ENDS UP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT I AM DONE FOR #HE'S SO ..SO... MISCHIEVOUS LOOKING I WANNA PISS HIM OFF #FIGHT AND DEFY HIM Y'KNOW??????#is his name really fellow honest #WHATEVER WITH HIM AND ACE IN THE SAME ROOM I CAN TAKE THEM #ORANGE IS MY FAVORITE COLOR 🗣️🗣️🗣️🗣️ (IT IS NOT)#GOOD LOOOOOOOIRF it's 4am #fuck that damn smirk I WANNA PULL YOUR EARS #i need sleep but my mind is running wITH ALL THESE CIRCUS POSSIBILITIES AND #WHAT THIS MAN CAN DO #I KNOW YOU. I KNOW WHAT YOUR OG CHARACTER DID TO PINOCCHIO BUDDY #GRINDING MY TEETH ON HIS TAIL

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kerimcberry · 2 months

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Spring Break 🌸✨

We're meeting Lyla's parents!! 😍

It's Sebastian's turn to meet the family. Hopefully it'll go better than Feldcroft 😅

PART 2 >>

#poor Lyla doesn't want Sebastian to be alone during Spring Break 🥺#omg i just realized i have to draw Seb's sweater design probably like ten more times #why do i do this to myself LMAO #don't worry I'm still doing the mc art challenge!#i just missed drawing my goil 💛#hogwarts legacy #hogwarts legacy fanart #hogwarts legacy mc #sebastian sallow #slytherin x hufflepuff #slytherpuff #sebastian sallow x mc #lyla estaris

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moffnat · 6 months

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forcing them in their get along shirt because larian is too cowardly

#let minthara see the world with beauty for once! let halsin feel unwavering support!#minthara #halsin #anyway this is for me and me alone tbh #throw stones at me idc i'm right and i know it #bg3 #bg3edit #gamingedit #baldur's gate 3 #*bg3 #*mine #i feed myself in this house

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blood-bagz · 1 month

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"Wyll's entrance is too corny!!! Wyll's entrance makes me cringe!!!" You are playing DnD: The Video Game.

#Also all the characters are cringe and corny #embrace it #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #astarion calling me Bhaal Babe (unromanced! By the way) made me want to skin myself but you don't see me shitting on him for that alone #Wyll is just a theater major let him live #wyll ravengard #bg3 wyll #baldurs gate wyll

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adhbabey · 8 months

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Let's talk about some lesser known symptoms of autism! Maybe this will help some of you get a broader perspective on what this can be like. There is a whole grab bag of symptoms of autism, but here are some ones you may not know that you have.

Focus on truth

What does this mean? Well glad you asked. This is the focus on facts and logic rather than anything else. People have shown this as autistic people may refusing to lie because it goes against what they find as true. But that's not always the case.

Have you ever used logic to try and figure out your emotions?

Are you someone who doesn't understand why others may speculate when the current knowledge is right there? (such as subtext versus canon knowledge or theoretical arguments)

Do you find it frustrating when others avoid their problems as a way to avoid figuring out negative things? (such as avoiding conflict in a friend group)

Is it easy for you to talk about your strengths and flaws? Do you know your likes, dislikes and limits pretty well?

High context communication

This is preference on details and the full context of any situation. Often going into great detail and backstory to anything.

Do you feel as though you need to overexplain to give the person everything they need to know?

Have you ever apologized to someone by explaining the deep and meaningful reasons of why you did it, before you said you were sorry? And maybe even felt upset or confused why they reacted badly?

Have you ever felt stressed out because you wanted to give others full detail but they either interrupted you or cut you off?

Are you stressed out by people who tell you what to do and not why they want you to do it?

Are you ever told that you talk back a lot?

Do you prefer recipes versus verbal/vague instructions? (All the things that you need such as ingredients, measurements, prep time, etc.)

Do you really like watching deep dives and knowing about the whole history of something you're even vaguely interested in?

Identity diffusion

This is not everyone's experience, and it is common in a variety of other disorders such as DID and BPD. However, it is when you do not know who you are in regards to others. This is also known as identity disturbance.

Have you ever felt like an outsider without knowing why?

Are you deeply interested on what other people think of you? Especially if it's all the time?

Do you really like taking personality tests and quizzes? Are you interested in horoscopes?

Do you feel like you don't fit in any one specific group? Either being a loner, or hopping in between many different groups?

Do you ever feel weirder than the "weird kids" group? Do you not really get along or feel like you belong with them?

Do you have low self esteem when it comes to comparing yourself to your friends? Do you feel like they're better or more capable than you?

Do you feel drastically unimportant and not as interesting or cool as everyone else?

Have you ever related to narratives surrounding a character that is the last of their kind?

Do you feel like your identity is a vast and gaping void, that even if you learn a little bit, that you'll never know everything?

Internalized repetition

This is one of those traits that not every autistic person experiences, but that some might. You could say that for all autistic traits, but hey, good to know regardless. Because of internalized repetition, you may not do many external stims, besides vocal.

Do you listen to a song over and over again? Perhaps having a playlist on repeat?

When stressed out, do you type the same word or phrase over and over again?

Do you like looking at the same things, such as the same color or the same artist's works?

Do you really like certain patterns, crystals or aesthetics?

Do you enjoy games with recognizable fighting patterns? (Such as character rotation, boss battle rotation, etc.)

Struggling to connect to others *

This is something that's been characterized by struggling to connect to others through their emotions, but the opposite is actually true for many autistic people. *I will be talking about those who struggle to connect to others who are emotionally distant or unavailable. Being emotionally distant or not showing emotions externally is a trait that many autistic people share, but for those without alexithymia, they may struggle to understand why anyone wouldn't like to talk about their emotions. I don't know the specific symptom term for this, so please bare with me. If anyone would like to inform me about what this is called, please tell me.

Do you struggle to talk with dry texters, or tend to over-examine people's tone through text?

Do you have anxious attachment?

Do you feel disconnected with many other autistic people and struggle to make friends or talk to them?

Do you feel embarrassment or shame with being emotionally sensitive?

Have you fallen down the rabbit hole of things like starseeds, star children or empaths?

Do you want to talk about serious emotions a lot, even when its not appropriate?

Do you trauma dump or wish people would become more emotionally intimate with you? Do you enjoy it when people share their deep traumas with you, even if it's triggering?

Are you constantly reassurance seeking?

There is plenty more symptoms out there, and these are just a few that stood out to me, because I think I may be autistic. I've always related somewhat, but never connected the dots. But there are reasons for that, such as identity diffusion and thinking I'm different from everyone else no matter what. I struggled because I didn't seem to have a lot of the outward and visible symptoms that were often talked about. I thought every autistic person had alexithymia, when that's just not true. My best friend, who has similar symptoms to me, along with another close friend of mine, have a similar presentation of autism. And it's taken quite a bit for me to accept or process. I feel like I'm faking my experiences just because I've self diagnosed before. And I'm angry that ADHD isn't given enough significance.

But I think I might be autistic, and this article that I based this post off of, confirmed it. So here's my post informing and coming out on that. You can be autistic and highly masking without actually knowing what's going on is masking. You can be autistic and have a spectrum of verbality, you can be autistic and struggle to connect to anyone who isn't immediately emotionally intimate with you. You can be autistic and not relate at all to other autistic people.

You're not alone.

#babey posts #actually autistic #audhd #autism #autism spectrum disorder #i know its a spectrum disorder but bro it doesn't feel like it #its broader than you might realize #you can be autistic and struggle to accept it #this has been the most frustrating and painful realization #i just. i feel a lot of negative feelings at myself about this #but i want to curate a place for people to exist without judgement #and before the anti self dx ppl come in here. this has never been the blog for you.#if youre like this. you belong here.#and if you just understand this. you also belong here.#you're not alone

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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 6 months

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"See you tomorrow"

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]

#better drawn mdzs #MDZS Disco Elysium AU #mdzs au #Lan wangji #wei wuxian #yiling laozu #Happy Belated Halloween!#digital art #Thank you all for your patience as I drove myself into a madness only known by those lost at seas alone.#I put a lot of time into this one! It's not perfect but I am very happy with it + I am so happy to put down the tablet pen.#Digital art has some nice features but I'm sticking with traditional! I need a month to recover from the 2+ weeks of torture.#Okay lets talk about the AU and the comic now #Disco elysium has some of the best existential-horror-dream sequences I have ever seen.#The dialogue here is heavily inspired by The Final Dream - A scene I'd love to talk about more were it not so heavy with spoilers.#My AU is a lot more complex than a simple character swap but I really felt like LWJ + YLLZ fit this scene.#The final dream is about being unable to move on from a lost love. From something You made holy. From something You ruined.#It is about realizing that no matter how smart you are or what you offer or how you try to change -#You will never be able to turn back time. You will never ever be able to fix what is broken. That you also have been broken for a long time #You are a fuck-up who worships the nail covered ground of someone who did not want to be holy. And even though it hurts-#You cannot let this nightmare go. The pain keeps the love close. It is worse to forget. You promised to remember.#WWX died thinking LWJ disliked him. LWJ lost someone he thought was revolted by his love.

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sivsii · 4 months

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AU where imogen learns to make those little skull granny squares while at zhudannas and makes laudna a blanket

#critical role #critical role fanart #bells hells #im forcing myself to leave this alone now lol I’m not huge on the colors but whatever #Eye strain #tw eyestrain #original art 2024.

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sa-dnesss · 1 year

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I don’t know how to do this anymore. I don’t know how to get better. My head is a dark place and it only gets worse, day by day. and I have no idea how to stop the darkness from coming in. I have no idea how to save myself anymore.

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