Enough of the sexyperson polls. I'm taking matters into my own hands.

Unsexywoman poll.

i'm literally sitting here trying to figure out what EVEN i can SAY about aspec rayllum here? i think about them and i want to combust into heart emojis. i watched the first season when it first came out and then only happened to catch up last year with my qpp, and in between i was like. so infuriated when i found out they'd made rayla and callum a thing bc i - naturally - latched onto the green and purple character as an aroace icon at 18 years old, and my partner was like "no no no no TRUST me you've got to watch it, you'll love it"

they weren't wrong and after bingeing the whole show i'm stuck thinking about rayllum a LOT. they're written so much like my own ideal relationship that i kind of want to explode from it sometimes. anyway, my absolute favorite thing about them is how much emphasis there is about their friendship - to the point that when i watched season four, I can't remember which episode specifically it was number wise but when rayla suggested splitting up and offered to go with callum and he turns her down, my first immediate heartbroken thought was "she misses her best friend..." i just love how they're in love but they're in love cos they're best friends....11/10 no notes i need more relationships like that in media

ANYWAY long rambley ask about my loves aside, my question is what are some of your favorite moments where rayllum are so clearly best friends/goofballs in love?

No like honest to god though — me and the Rayla to my Callum are also in a QPR + dash of romance relationship and like... arc 1 and arc 2 Rayllum are just so goddamn sweet??

I don't agree generally that arc 2 Rayllum is more Mature™ than arc 1 rayllum — Callum is more patient and Rayla is more open, so they've matured as individuals — but merely just that they're different flavours of aspec-ness. Like arc 1 is the craziness and rollercoaster of meeting a stranger and realizing they're Your Person, and arc 2 is the deepness after the fact of "I know you, and I know that we can get through everyone so long as we have each other" mostly cause I think the main reason people label arc 1 Rayllum as more immature is because s3 Rayllum gushes over each other, but that's bc people have a hard time conceptualizing having deep admiration for your partner(s) that isn't infatuation... even though like? It's totally normal and welcome, like any long term relationship is "my partner is the most amazing person ever and i'm also very aware of all their flaws simultaneously" and like, arc 1 Rayllum hits that balance perfectly imo

I just love all of their stages and sides to them so so much

But yeah! Some of my fave moments Rayllum wise for the Best Friends quality has to be when they help each other up in 3x05 (Callum after the soulfang chase and Rayla on the ambler) because things are Weird but they're still always going to help each other? The "I missed my best friend" quality in s4 with no one laughing at Callum's jokes / talking about magic with him (vs their first scene in 5x01 being him telling her all about the magic stuff he's reading) and Rayla keeping her disappointment at bay always hits hard and I loove 4x06 when she's beating herself up and he takes care of her because a Good Relationship isn't about how you treat each other when everything's fine, it's 100% about how treat each other when life is hard/stressful and/or you're upset with each other

But I love all the gentle teasing in early S5 and the fist bump lives in my head eternally rent free. The 2x03 hug also means a lot to me cause that was the turning point she went from being a friend to being family and I think in a lot of ways, that's their relationship's most important turning point alongside maybe 1x06 (trusting her anyway!) 4x09 (forgiveness) and 5x04 (her opening up).

5x02 post-inn and stargazing scene are also faves just because of how happy they are talking about Nothing and everything, and like — that's just so fucking real, y'know? When someone makes everything automatically better just by being there

As Callum says, "We've been through a lot, and a lot has changed. Well, some things have changed, but not everything," and this never will

I don't know how to put this right. I really hate qprs, I hate how they're just pushed as "relationship for aspecs" not just in fandom but real life. I hate just the emphasis on lifelong friendships and alternative deep relationships. It drives me up a wall, this seeking out for relationships "equivelant" in depth and closeness to romantic partners without the romance or sex. Maybe this isn't me being aroace? Maybe I really am aplatonic also? But I can't stand the thought of suffering a relationship that suffocatingly close, that's how I knew I was aromantic and I feel like I'm going crazy every time I see other aros and aces lamenting and mourning never getting to have such a deep relationship. Familial relationshipd are the best, because they have a limit to their passive degredation. My cousin doesn't mind it's been 2 years since we talked she still invites me over to her house to see her and talk! Friends are already exhausting what on earth could possibly ever make someone want to deal with something even more than that! What's so appealing about it? What is it everyone even other aros see in these relationships that make them lament lacking them? I can't see anything but cons. It feels like when people get upset about a friendship ending, I'll never understand that drive. I've never felt expected to have a romance or sex life, but I've always felt expected to want an equivelant, to "not be alone" and I can't tell how much of it is subtler forms of amatonormativity and how much of it is just spectrum.... I don't even know what I'm ranting about anymore...

i definitely relate to a lot of what you’re saying. the a-spectrum is so wide that constructs that are really important to one part of the community (like qprs) can make other people (non-partnering aros like myself) feel alienated all over again. this is a bit of a messy subject to tackle, but personally, the idea of being in a qpr fills me with the same kind of revulsion i feel towards being in a more “traditional” relationship. i’m genuinely happy for the aspecs who feel comfortable in qprs—it’s just not something that’ll ever fit me, and that boundary can sometimes feel a bit isolating in general aspec spaces.

i… can’t really discuss aplatonicism/friendships without bringing up the fact that i’m autistic (as are many aspec people). to me, autism feels like being an alien that’s forced to pretend to be human. i don’t understand other people, and most of them don’t understand me, and trying to keep up with them is exhausting; it’s easier for me to just keep my distance. i do have people i consider friends, but what i define as a “friendship” looks very different from what society expects it to be. as an autistic person, most of my relationships are less… “intense,” i guess. prolonged social interaction just isn’t something i’m suited for, and that’s how my brain works, and it’s fine—just like it’s fine how i don’t experience “romance” in the societally expected way.

sorry for the rambling; if nothing else, i hope it at least helped you feel like there’s someone else out there who’s experiencing the same things as you. best of luck!!

Yeah, I know, I said the last ace rant was the final part, but the third aspec book I read ('Sounds Fake But Okay') annoyed me again, lol. It wasn't all bad, but some bits...

Except that it doesn't? It never has? People say they love their friends or their family, or a character from a TV show? Or also idk, God or Jesus if they're religious. None of these imply romantic love even without specifying anything.

Well, good for her, but that's not much of a comfort, isn't it? So we'll inevitably die alone, but we don't need to fear that because we can still have friends - who'll desert us once they find a partner. Yes, well, that's certainly very nice :/

Lol, maybe that's why my existence is so "unrecognisable" then. Because I literally didn't have any friends before I started to use social media etc. And even know my biggest fear is too annoying, too boring, too whatever else for everyone - and I have a hard time to make out whether the people I consider friends consider me as such too 😭

Well, this part was at least relatable, even if I never thought about this before. Then again, it might have been the other way round for me. Being a girl/woman was literally never very important for me, and I never felt the need to adhere to gender norms just because it's expected. E.g. I never thought I needed/wanted to be pretty to be attractive for men. So it sort of did felt like things made sense when I realised that there is indeed no need for me to attact anyone with my physical looks.

---

The chapter about QPRs made me realise that this isn't an option for me either. The insecurities around this form of relationship would be simply too much for me. Like, having to agree on what the relationship looks like, what kind of things would be alright or not alright (re physical contact and all kinds of intimacy etc), how long it might last and all that...it would be near impossible to agree on anything like that once I would put in my wishes in that regard. Because it wouldn't feel right to push my demands on someone else, and yet I'm way too selfish because I also wouldn't want to live in a way another person wants me too. So...I think that's another dream I might as well bury right now, before I got into it too much. ^^

---

Yet another general thing: the books usually mentioned that we should think about what we would expect from a relationship and I did give this some thought. I think the main - and honestly almost only - prerequisite for me would be that any potential partner would accept me as I am. Well, and some mutual trust would be high up on the list, too. That's literally all I need, I think. I wouldn't mind if e.g. in case it's an allo person and they would have someone else to fulfill their sexual needs or whatever, as long as I could be sure of still having a relationship based on trust with them.

Yes, I know that this is already asking for way too much. I'm only too aware of that, so maybe it's understandable why I'm so frustrated. I know I should do it, but I'm too selfish to lower my standards, so there isn't much hope for me and I hate it :/

I'm in a qpr with a person who I would only hesitate to call the love of my life because we've only really known eachother for two years. She's wonderful, and makes me feel very supported and secure in my identity as aroace even though she isn't (though she has realized that she's almost certainly some flavor of aspec since we got together lol). Even as a kid, before I knew anything about aromanticism or asexuality let alone alterous and queerplatonic attraction, I knew that I wanted something like this and was resigned to the fact that I wouldn't get it. And now I have it, and I love her.

The only thing is, it makes me feel very disconnected from the broader aromantic community. We have all the trappings of a romantic relationship (the only reason we don't "count" as romantic is bc we say we don't), and I love courting her even without any romantic feelings, but many posts I see have such a different perspective (understandably! I totally get where they're coming from!) that it's hard not to feel a little alienated. I know that I'm aro, and that most of the community is accepting, I just wish I didn't feel like other people think my relationship makes me less valid.

Submitted May 5, 2023

If you think it is impossible for dan and phil to be in a queerplatonic relationship, please take some time to learn about what a qpr actually is (or just unfollow me).

Things to know:

you don't need to be aro or ace (or on either spectrum) to be in a qpr

anyone can be in a qpr regardless of gender, sexuality, or orientation

a qpr is defined by whoever is in it

Liking/enjoying sex or romance is not the same thing as feeling that type of attraction (ace people can have sex, aro people can be in romantic relationships)

Actions are not inherently romantic. They can be interpreted as such depending on the relationship between people, but ultimately, the romantic aspect of an action is due to a person's interpretation or intentions

Amatonormativity is the assumption that everybody prospers in an exclusive romantic relationship.

To undo amatonormativity, you've got to understand that no type of relationship is superior to another. Romance is not "more" than friendship, unless defined as such by an individual.

Queerplatonic is whatever the fuck you want it to be. Sex, marriage, kids, living together, none of those, some of those, all of those, whatever. Depends on the people. It is the "do whatever you want forever" option. Romantic relationships can be like this, but the idea is that they come with societal norms that we are expected to follow — qprs, until amatonormativity is uncommon, are an escape from that.

The fact that you might not want a queerplatonic relationship does not mean no one else does. That's like saying you don't want to be in a heterosexual relationship, so how could anyone else want one?

On the topic of Dan and Phil specifically:

I am not claiming to know if they are or aren't in xyz kind of relationship. That's the whole point

One of the main messages of "We are in a relationship" is that you don't know everything, even if you do truly know a lot.

You cannot know something about someone's relationship until they tell you, just as you cannot know someone's sexuality or gender until they come out to you.

Again, I am not suggesting that they are in either a qpr or a romantic relationship. I am clarifying that we do not know for sure. We can be 99% sure (I personally would not have that kind of confidence in my knowledge of strangers' relationships lol), but you can never know til they tell you.

Even then, they could be lying or leaving out parts of the truth (rightfully so). You don't have the right to that information, which I'm sure most of us agree on

Them respectively liking sex does not mean they fuck. Honestly, it's none of our business what they do, but there are other ways to have sex than with the person you're living with. Arrangements can be made. Again, they very well could. Not really our business though

The "hints" that DnP may be dropping could be real. They could be exactly what a lot of people think they are. It could also be DnP fucking with you, they could also just... not be hints. They're just people. They aren't characters being written for your consumption. The thing about hints is that they aren't explicit and therefore could be misleading, especially when so many people want hints (confirmation bias)

The whole point is!!!!!! we don't know!!!!!! it's fine to think they're cute and ship them but to pretend to know them well enough is crossing a line. Write your fanfic, make your fanart, but please stop pushing the idea onto other people that you either Know they're fucking + in a romantic relationship or you're just an idiot. 'Cause the world is not that simple, there are not just two answers. You're hurting aspec people with some of the rhetoric you use, so let's try to unlearn some stuff

Final disclaimer: if DnP ever come out and clarify that they are in a romantic relationship, spill all the beans, etc then that's cool, whatever! But I won't claim to have "known" that information before they gave it to me, just like I never claimed to have "known" someone was gay before they came out. It's disrespectful

Hello again! This is the aplflux and aroflux anon returning with much better cheer than the last time.

Thank you so much for your advice. Your words helped me figure out where to start and helped me gain the courage to talk to my partner about it all. My fears and anxieties were proven wrong when they listened to me with an open mind and was extremely understanding. They instead brought up if I'd like to have a queerplatonic relationship instead because they're the same in that they're also aspec and they also don't always romantically feel for me (though me more frequently than them). I've heard about queerplatonic relationships before but only in passing so I didn't really know anything. They told me about them and we discussed what we can do and what we want and I realized that yes, yes this is what I want. This is the relationship I want. This is what fit us better.

So thank you so much. I'm so relieved and so happy to have found a solution with my partner. Thank you for helping me by giving me that push to rethink things and actually speak up. ❤️❤️❤️

Thanks for updating us, Anon! And that's awesome, I'm glad you and your partner figured out a solution. QPRs really are great.

All the best, and take care!

so i have seen dead poets society but it's been awhile and i know you like it so tell me about it

OKAY so this will be very long so proceed with caution

the main characters are neil perry and todd anderson. neil's father is very controlling and wants neil to become a doctor and basically neil does everything he asks always. then there's todd, he's new at their school (welton) and the personification of anxiety. they have a new english teacher, mr keating. he is everything that the school is not and not only teaches them english, but also to think for themselves, to make art, poetry, to live life to the fullest.

neil and todd are roommates (AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES) and neil manages to convince todd to join his friends. they are knox overstreet, charlie dalton, stephen meeks, gerard pitts and richard cameron.

knox is a creepy straight guy with a crush on chris noel (my gf fr). chris is a very (very very) pretty girl who has a boyfriend, chet danburry. knox has dinner at the danburry's (smth to do with making connections) and meets chris, who's there with her best friend ginny danburry. anyway he goes to a party and at some point chris falls asleep and this creepy bitch decides to start stroking her forehead. he gets noticed, chet beats him up, chris wakes up yells at him to stop. she's mad at both of them.

charlie dalton is charlie dalton. unique in every way and we love him for it.

meeks and pitts are nerds and built a radio together. they dance together. even though only one of them can hear the music at a time. they are everything to me.

cameron is the most overhated character in the series. he's a kid trying to survive school and be good and i need to hug him.

neil becomes a theatre kid. todd a poet. after the show shit happens that we don't talk about.

now for headcannons. obvi todd and neil are gay for eachother. the subtext is there. (walt whitman, tchaikovsky, gay ass staring, practicing lines together...).

charlie is a bisexual disaster. god i love him too. he's on the arospec btw. i feel like he's got some funky gender stuff going on but i cannot settle for anything, but he's something for sure. he's in love with knox, who is also bi and also a disaster. idk i dont really like cannon knox and try not to think about him.

meeks and pitts are in a qpr and no one can tell me differently. meeks is aroace and makes the worst sex jokes. pitts is aspec to me. ALSO bigender meeks my beloved.

cameron collects A's (grades, gender, sexual and romantic orientation, autism and anxiety). they're very sex and romance repulsed and hate it when people say that they're the token straight (they're very closeted to me). cam is my favourite character to write angry.

chris is very bisexual and transfem. she's in love with ginny after she breaks up with chet and the stuff with knox is unrequited because i say so.

ginny is non-binary and a lesbian. they've been in love with chris for forever and had to watch her date her brother... ouch angst incoming.

i am stopping myself here to protect my sanity. questions are welcome always. if you read all this you get a cookie.

(Amatonormativity anon again) Thank you for your quick response! I can see your point for sure. If anything, it's at the very least clumsy wording, which I get happens on this site all the time, because it's not like we're all considering every direction from which a post can be interpreted. I just get pretty sensitive about the way that some parts of the aromantic community tend to claim that /any/ kind of significant relationship is supported and upheld by amatonormativity when that is... extremely not the case. It really felt like a twisting of the definition of the word, which is explicitly and directly about the centering and prioritizing of /romantic/ partnerships, to the exclusion and shitting on all other types of relationship, including nonromantic partnerships, in a way that I find - as an arospec person in a qpr - incredibly harmful and disingenuous. Amatonormativity harms my relationship in every way possible, and it really hurts to see significant parts of my community claiming the opposite on a regular basis... Like I get that entirely nonpartnering people are harmed by alloro + amatonormative society but so are we (me + my partner, others in nonromantic relationships of any kind). I know it's probably not meant like that, but posts like that sometimes feel like an attempt to set up a hierarchy within the community of who the ones who are the 'most marginalized' are and who the 'most aro' are, or something, and there's no way an aromantic person who does have nonromantic partners is like. Privileged? Over one who doesn't, if that makes sense. And it's scary and painful to see people in my own community talking like they are, because it assumes /any/ aro has support or societal validation that we just don't have. Sorry for the huge rant ahhh, it's just something that's been bubbling up for me a lot and I really appreciate your perspective on things.

I get that. It's easy to get sensitive about specific things if they're always the things being picked apart. I would hope any aspec people would understand that as well.

I agree that it's twisting of the definition, even if I don't think that was OP's intention. I Try to give aro people the benefit of the doubt unless it's abundantly clear that I can't. Amatanormativity just gets thrown around a lot in the aro community if its even tangentially related because it's a hot button word for us, but in this case, it's not helpful, and as you've demonstrated, can even be harmful.

I think the only way you could even sort of claim queerplatonic relationships as having any sort of Privilege over non-partnering aros would be if they're being misinterpreted as a Romantic Couple. BUT, as I've said before, your identity being erased and your relationship misconstrued isn't a privilege, but another axis of arophobia. I've been in a queerplatonic relationship before, and others misconstruing said relationship was physically nauseating for me. That doesn't feel like any sort of benefit. Like, maybe the axis in which a nonpartnering and a partnering aro face aphobia can be a little different, but they're coming from the same place, and they're equally as harmful.

There does seem to be a lot of like, who is the most oppressed, competitions in both the queer community at large, and in the aromantic community particularly here. I think a lot of it comes down to 1. overcorrecting with the groups we've previously left out in the cold i.e. heartless and aplatonic people especially, and 2. experiences within our community being so varied that it's Hard to acknowledge everyone and make sure everyone's needs are being met, and 3. Overcompensating with the whole not being accepted into queer spaces thing so almost wanting to prove you belong in the queer community because you're time is Harder than others. None of it is right, but it does Happen.

I'm sorry you're having issues within the community. It's not fair that you have to face arophobia from alloro people and then not even feel welcomed in your own community. It should be a safe place for every arospec identity, but I think we're just gonna have to work at it and find a nice little middle ground.

I am fucking livid rn I seriously fucking despise online ace folks (not gonna say aspec bc I personally haven't seen aros get involved in this bullshit to the extent aces do and a lot of the time aros are bearing the brunt of terminally online stupidity not causing it) who will make anything mildly related to having relationships without sex about asexuality and/or aphobia. I'm sorry but it's so weird to see a court case about a woman trying to get legal marriage benefits she was denied due to her partner being a woman and their relationship being invalidated bc of the historically misogynistic and lesbophobic "well maybe they didn't have sex" argument and then all of these online bitches speculating about her sexuality so much that they've decided it's a hashtag victory over aphobia specifically.

Asexuals are not inherently homophobic or lesbophobic, but asexuals who ignore systemic homophobia and lesbophobia and make the effects of homophobia and lesbophobia about aphobia are homophobic and lesbophobic. Asexuals are not inherently biphobic, but asexuals who equate aphobia with biphobia are biphobic. And that's not to say something can't be both homophobic and aphobic or lesbophobic and aphobic or biphobic and aphobic, but guess what??? If you're not a lesbian, you don't get to make lesbophobia about your experience as an asexual. If you're not bisexual, you don't get to make biphobia about your experience as an asexual. Shit like this is why I still get anxious about talking about my ace experience irl because there is an overwhelming number of online asexuals who are so goddamn selfish they will make the struggles that other LGBT people face about themselves and by extension diminish the real quantifiable impact said struggles actually have.

I'm not a lesbian. I have no idea what it's like to be a lesbian—conceptually, I understand what it is, but I cannot experience it. I can face hate and vitriol for dating a woman, which is rooted in misogyny and (in my particular case, misaimed) lesbophobia, but I cannot experience the same exact struggles a lesbian does bc I am not a lesbian. I cannot comment on the lesbian experience because I am not a lesbian. Yeah, I have experienced struggles bisexual women face, which have overlap with some aspects of some lesbian experiences since we are all WLW and therefore all face misogyny, due to my experience as someone who is both bi and ace, but I am not an ace lesbian so I cannot comment on overlapping asexual and lesbian experiences or, by extension, overlapping aphobia and lesbophobia. A non-lesbian asexual cannot experience overlap with lesbophobia and aphobia, so a non-lesbian asexual has no fucking business talking over lesbians (including ace lesbians!!!!) and making lesbophobia about aphobia.

There is no world in which talking over other LGBT individuals about prejudices which exist to target other LGBT identities helps combat aphobia. Making lesbophobia about aphobia does not help ace lesbians, making homophobia about aphobia does not help ace gays, making biphobia about aphobia does not help bi aces, etc. Making other LGBT issues about asexuality doesn't help the LGBT community. People who do this are hurting both our LGBT siblings and other asexuals, and for what???? Validation that they're also oppressed????? Asexuality isn't about not having sex or not wanting to have sex, and it's both incorrect by definition and actually aphobic to treat asexuality as wanting sexless relationships or suggest that all sexless relationships are due to one or more partners being asexual. Asexuality is about sexual attraction. That's no different than any other sexuality. It's not about celibacy or sex-repulsion or if you've ever fucked someone before.

And holy shit but I haven't even touched on how this behavior also hurts aros—you know, the even less represented and understood aspecs. Saying that QPRs are strictly "romantic but not sexual" is literally wrong, not to mention that phrasing excludes aros who, you know, fucking pioneered the term BTW, not alloromantic asexuals who abstain from sex. Looking at two women's relationship that's being invalidated by accusations regarding their lack of sex life and saying "well this is aphobic bc they could be in a sex-free but romantic relationship" is not only lesbophobic but also erases aromantic experiences.

This is very disjointed and disorganized but mother of god it's not okay to invalidate someone's identity or experience just bc the perpetrator is asexual!!!! If it's not okay for the evil cishetallos to dismiss shit like homophobia and lesbophobia then why is it okay when aces dismiss them by conflating them with aphobia????

If we're making confessions about problems with the greater lbgt community may I say something? You can ignore this if you want. But I'm a young woman in her 20's and identify as aroace. And I don't think I need to tell you how sex and romance obsessed the world is. All society's, all people, all media, tv shows, movies, songs, video games everywhere everyone assumes on some level that every person born wants to fall in love and have sex. Those of us in the aspec community are basically ostracized from everyone. Straight people who refuse to believe our identities are real, gay and other identities seeing us as straight passing and thinking we're infiltrators taking up resources. Everyone invalidating our feelings that oh we're just confused silly and immature. We'll find someone to love us and if we don't we're repressed losers, weird, broken, wrong. If it's not rape threats to "fix us" we get harrassed by someone thsr has romantic feelings we just can't return and getting screamed at because our friendship isn't good enough. Not to mention we always get sidelined. All people prioritize and value romantic and sexual relationships and the family's they will make themselves. Friendship is not valued the same it's seen as lesser that slowly loses importance over time. So friends get pushed further and further to the wayside and if you remain single and without kids everyone starts excluding you. Parents focus more on their children who gave them grandkids, siblings will want more in wills because they have their own family's to care for. That doesn't even go into the sexism ace women face in the workforce. Women who settle and have a family are often overlooked for promotions but ace women who don't seek out qpr and are single get overloaded with work and seen as having more "free time." But if ace women remain single and childfree they get harrassed by everyone they know to settle down eventually, they're not a real woman if they don't fall in love, get pregnant, adopt, or just have sex with someone. It's so lonely it's a loneliness no one ever considers. No one wants to understand asexuals, no one cares for us. I haven't experienced every single thing listed above thank god but it's still common enough that as I get older I'm sure will become more common place. Sorry I just. I'm proud to be aroace I am. I'm not ashamed but man is it hard when everyone looks at you as the other. The outlier that seems barely human that doesn't conform to any conventional standard. I'm low key relieved I've never been able to date anyone long enough to become serious, have crazy exes or even fall in love. It sounds exhausting being distracted by a person or multiple (not putting anyone down) but I've lost many good friends. Friendships I've spent years building up. And that was real heartbreak to me. I lost relatives and no one knows how to help with that because my support group is small. No boyfriend or girlfriend whose friend group would adopt me. Just mostly on my own having to rely on myself as best as I can. Anyway thanks for listening and letting me speak. And to my fellow asexuals and aspec people you're perfect just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you you're wrong or your feelings are fake. You are fine just as you are so take up space don't hide yourselves if you are safe to be out.

i’m honoured that you see our blog as a safe place for you to vent your feelings & i’m sorry for the way society & people other you for who you are, even those in the community that is meant to be home.

to all our ace  /  aro followers, we love you & you’re safe here, for anything you need. ♥

I think it's important for everyone here to know this, especially since I noticed a lot of you seem to be pretty young.

Friendships can be abusive too. We are told about toxic relationships but it's so often linked to romance that this is something less talked about but friends can screw up your mind the same way.

I had a "friend" in high school. He was way older than me (like 7 years) so it was already not that safe but he was super abusive. He would tell me that he was not interested in having a romance with anyone and since I was not either, I felt heard and comfy. But he was jealous just like an abusive boyfriend would be. He once got super angry at me for talking to another one of my friends online while he was sleeping and I was found crying by my irl best friend. He threatened my friends and slowly made me isolate myself from anyone. He goy pissed if I didn't text him every hour. He would lower my self-esteem more and more everyday with phrases that I still have running through my head twelve years later. One in particular "if you like this song don't ruin it" comes back a lot when I'm singing, even if it's just for myself.

He was my friend, or so I thought. And he did a lot of other things that I will not mention here because they are still traumatizing and I don't want it to be tagged with triggering things that could make people miss this but please, stay safe. Abusers are not just romantic partners and as aspec, we can sometimes feel isolated and become very vulnerable to people who pretend to be our friends. Never let your boundaries be stepped on by someone just because they're your friend. Real friends respect you. Real friends are human and can make mistakes, sure, but they will not abuse you and tear your mind appart.

You all deserve the best. Whether you want friends, qpr, romantic partners, please my fellow arospec and acespec, stay safe. A little loneliness is better than an abuser and you can find real friends and people who will care about you.

Hi, basically, I'm in friend group of three ATM, me and one friend are both in a qpr, I'm aro and he is aroace, I'd say our friend group just gives off VERY aspec vibes, anyway there's no real problem there, it's just that we we're talking abt attraction and all, when our third friend, who as far as I know doesn't identity as anything, when we were talking abt attraction she mentioned that she'd never felt any attraction towards anyone, never thought anyone was attractive or anything, she said she thinks that's pretty normal though, for context we are all around 15 so it's not entirety unusual to not feel any of those things, but she's also very offline and basically knows nothing abt queerness, so I guess what I'm asking you is, how do I tell her she is probably aspec, I don't want to be the judge of some else's sexuality but she's actively sex repulsed I've seen it, the chances are she'll never stop being offline because that's just who she is and those are her morals but I find it impossible to believe that she would ever be with anyone, and I don't want her to struggle with herself and everything, I feel irresponsible for keeping this information from her, she might not get another friend group like us in the future so I feel it would be the right thing to do to let her know that a) it is necessarily normal for people to have ever experienced attraction towards anyone b) that her strong dislikness and aversion of sex is not and inherently average thing but c) these are signs and experiences of people who are aspec and that I think she could possibly fall under that umbrella, then I would suggest places for her to look up information and would encourage her to just think about and tell her that we'd be here to help. Is this the right thing to do? Is it wrong to encourage someone else to question their own sexuality because what they are experiencing aligns with a certain identity?

Yeah, I don't think your approach is a bad one. I'd probably take a very similar tack. Just have a conversation that's meant to inform in a you may find this interesting/useful kind of way, and I think the points you want to cover are good ones. And then I'd just share some resources they can look into and let them know you're open to talking more about this if they're interested at a later point. But I'd also drop it completely after that unless they chose to bring it up again themselves.

It's not wrong to just inform someone a label exists that you think may fit them, just so long as you're not being pushy or trying to label them yourself. But it does sounds like your goal here is just make sure they're informed, which is good. Of course it doesn't hurt to also emphasize while you're talking to them that this is their choice if they want to look into this or not, and you just want to make sure they're aware.

Since your friend is very offline, I'd try and share offline resources. For example Aces & Aros has pamphlets on their website you can print off and give to people. They also have book recommendations on the same page. (And then if this ends up being something they want to explore more, you can also look into things like in-person meetups in your area, or if you have a local LGBTQ+ chapter that's ace/aro friendly, checking them out.)

All the best, Anon!