The Midnight Relief - Part 3 (Aemond Targaryen x Reader) NSFW

Summary: A knight of the King's Guard comes look for you in the middle of the night. Aemond is back from Storm's End and he requests your presence but nothing has prepared you for what you will find in his rooms.

Tags: SMUT, Porn with Plot (sort of), Vaginal Sex, Soft Aemond, Bottom Aemond, Breeding kink, Targcest (Reader is Daemon Targaryen’s bastard), Angst, Insecurity and Vulnerability, Mention of Underage Prostitution, Death, violence and murder.

Author’s Notes: I hoped you’ll enjoy this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. As I worked on this chapter, I wondered many times what would make Reader stand by Aemond after learning about Lucerys's death. So I developed her backstory and made it somewhat similar to Aemond's life. I wanted them relate to each other and to bond over death instead of letting it create a gap between them. I was also eager to write a Reader who was different from the goody-two-shoes pure girls we usually pair with characters like Aemond and let's not forget whose daughter she is. You can't be Daemon's daughter and be 100% angelic. Anyway, I can't wait to read your reaction and thank you again for your positive response. Happy New Year. Cee

(PART 1) (PART 2)

“Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath. Which side will it be, greatness or madness? It is a saying born from the mouth of the Targaryen lords that spread to the ears of the people back when Maegor The Cruel was still alive. People used to say that the second son of Aegon the Conqueror was the polar opposite of his half-brother, Aenys I. While Aenys was peaceful, loving and artistic, a weedy and fragile man as thin as a twig, Maegor was quarrelsome, heartless and brutal, a tall and strong man as large as a bull. Two completely different men yet two brothers born from the same father. Two sides of the same coin.”

You didn’t know how your mother could possibly know so much about the Targaryen dynasty or why she was so fascinated by their family history.             For years, you had thought her interest for the house of the dragon was the obvious consequence of the heartbreak Daemon Targaryen had left her with, that unconsciously (or not) it had been her desperate way to keep her heart close to the Rogue Prince. But as you grew up you began to believe the opposite. It was her obsession for the Targaryens that had drawn her to Daemon for the dragonriders represented everything she had desired in life: glory, power and especially freedom.          

Her sombre face – that only brightened when she would hear the name Targaryen - came back to you as you observed each side of the gold coin flipping between your fingers. The crowned head of late King Viserys The Peaceful shone in the moonlight while the three-headed dragon looked dull, certainly because it was the side that your mother had kissed for years back when the coin used to be hers.       Even though you were no real Targaryen and merely a bastard of the Prince of the City, you wondered if she had tossed the coin at your birth and if she had, which side it had landed on.

           The door to your dorm slammed open, waking up all the serving girls sleeping in their beds with a start. The crash made you jump with surprise and you quickly hid the gold coin under your pillow, fearing someone might steal it if they knew of its existence.     A young and bearded knight of the King’s Guard entered the room. Silently, he had a look around, scanning all the women’s faces one after the other with unknown purpose. When his blue eyes landed on you and noticed your silver hair, he finally declared in a blunt tone of voice. “You! Prince Aemond requests your presence, immediately.” Nothing more, nothing less.     It was the first time Aemond had sent a white cloak to find you. Usually, he would entrust an upright and meek servant he could easily intimidate with the task, menacing them to be discreet and sneaky if they wanted to keep their toil or their tongue. ‘Prince Aemond wishes for your service in his rooms at nightfall’ was the regular message since Aemond was determined to keep his nocturnal activities with you a secret and his reputation for decency intact. Something wasn’t right. Every girl stared at you as you got up, put on your red dress over your night gown and left the dorm with the guard in silence. Surely, they were wondering questions similar to yours considering their whispers and glances you chose to ignore but couldn’t help but despise. You blamed yourself for caring so much.     You followed the knight down the stairs and he led you to Aemond’s door without a single word. You could see the tension eating at him. His jaw was clenched and there was a certain anxiety behind his harsh blue eyes. What the hell was going on?             Arryk – that was the knight’s name (or was it Erryk?) – knocked and without opening, announced. “My prince, the serving girl is here.” He got no answer but he still gestured you to enter almost as if he was afraid to grab the handle himself.             You furrowed your brow but you did as he said anyway, not because he had asked you to but because you wanted to know the reason behind the knight’s odd stiffness and Aemond’s reckless summoning.     

The prince’s rooms were plunged into the darkness and cold. There was no flame burning in the fireplace that was as clean and empty as when Aemond had left for Storm’s End to obtain Borros Baratheon’s support and the hand of one of his daughters three days ago - a decision made by his family that had hurt you despite Aemond’s assurance that you would never leave his side.          

“My prince?” You said, searching for him in the dim moonlight and in the obscurity but he was nowhere to be found. “It is I … Y/N.” You got no answer, just a terrifying gloomy silence that made you anxious and look around you for comfort.         “Aemond?” You called his name, now too worried and fearful to care about etiquette.

Your informality managed to draw Aemond out of the shadow and he abruptly wrapped his arms around you as he slammed his hard chest against your back. Startled by his stealthy embrace, you immediately gasped and almost yelped, but as soon as you recognized your paramour’s strength and his perfume - which was a mix of leather and cologne drown in dragon musk - your fear immediately vanished and your body leant under his touch. “You scared me.” You chuckled; you heart still pounding in your chest but glad to finally be in his arms. You had missed him dearly. “You know, fear has never been arousing.” You joked as you put your hands over his to make him tighten his embrace around you.       Aemond did not reply. Instead, he hugged you harder and almost with desperate need and he nestled his head in your neck to breathe hard. His behaviour sucked the little playfulness warming your heart out of your chest and the impression that something was wrong reappeared straight away. You slowly turned around to look at Aemond with worry.   You could barely see his face in the darkness but the little you saw was enough to sadden you. His silver hair was wavy as if rain had poured over him and his purple look – that was avoiding eye contact - was swollen and reddened. Had he been crying? “Oh my sweet prince.” You cupped his cheek – he was freezing against your palm- and caressed it until he suddenly grabbed your hand to kiss your knuckles desperately. He was glad you were here. He needed you.   “My midnight relief.” He whispered, almost chocking on his words.        

Concerned for Aemond’s welfare, you hastened to light a fire and a few candles and you prepared a hot bath for him as fast as you could. You thought he would complain about your slowness but the look that he gave you as you did all those things to comfort him was not his usual glare of impatience. Standing in silence in the middle of the room, his head down and his face livid, he genuinely seemed confused.                       When the water was finally hot and steaming, you gently took his hands in yours and escorted him towards the tub. There, you removed his humid clothes one by one, his boots first, then his leather tunic and trousers and finally his undergarments. He let you do without any complain or any reaction, almost like a doll a little girl could dress and undress at will. But when you reached his eyepatch to unstrap it, he winced and grabbed your hand as swiftly as a snake, his sad young face wrinkled by fear and pain. You surrendered to his refusal but only for a brief moment.   “It’s alright.” You whispered as you stroke his cheek to reassure him. He eventually leant in your palm like a fearful cat and you used his moment of docility to remove his eyepatch but as soon as the piece of leather loosened around his head, his purple eye tightly shut and he grimaced again. “What is it my prince? What happened to you?” You asked and he opened his eye again.         No word came out of his mouth but the fear lingering in his purple iris sent shivers down your spine. What could terrorize a man as fearless as Aemond Targaryen? “Get in the bath. It will make you feel better … or at least warmer. You’re freezing.”

Again, he remained silent and gave you no sign of approval or disapproval. Instead, he just let you settle him down in the bath. Catatonic, he didn’t react when his body entered the hot water as if its comforting warmth had no effect on him. Knowing him, you were certain he was lost in the memory of whatever had happened to him, remembering each detail on a loop. He was an obsessional man after all.           You knelt quietly by the tub and plunged a clean clothe into the water to carefully clean and warm the young prince, starting with his shoulders and the top of his back that were still cold as ice. Unsurprisingly, he barely shivered when you rubbed his skin. So, you untied his long hair hoping some water on his head would bring him back to reality, to you.   His silver mane was very tangled and smelt like rain and wet dragon. Therefore, you thought it would be a good idea to grab a comb and a soap. Besides, Aemond enjoyed when you took care of his hair. But the second you tried to stand up, the prince held you back by the hand, his eye begging you to stay. You nodded and sat back on the floor beside him.     It took him a while before he finally uttered his first sentence. “Am I a monster?”           Your eyes widened at the question and you exclaimed, “What? No, of course not.” But you could tell that your words were not enough to convince Aemond. “Have the Four Storms insulted you, my prince?” If they had, they would hear from you when they visit the keep. Stupid cunts! “Is that why so you feel so down right now? Should I tell the Dowager Queen of your mistreatment in Storm’s End? I –”     “Starlight” Aemond sighed, cutting you off almost to calm you down but specially to tell you you were wrong. And for a second, you expected him to talk to you, to confess the truth. But it didn’t come. “Just join me in the bath. Relieve me.” He wanted to sound commanding but his tone was begging.

You nodded and stood up to take off your clothes as Aemond watched. Normally, he would have gazed at you with boiling lust, his hands itching to rip your dress off, his purple eye burning with a dark impatience but not tonight. Tonight, the One-Eyed Prince was nothing but distress. You entered the bath in silence and cautiously sat down on Aemond, straddling his lap. The warm water made you tremble with relief as the temperature soothed your body that was so sore and tensed after three tiresome and intense days working and worrying for your Prince. But your newly-found comfort was of no importance. The only thing that matter was Aemond, as always. Gently, you brought your hands to his muscular chest and started massaging him from his pectorals down to his abs, rubbing circles on his smooth skin, thinking that a little tender devotion could pull Aemond out of his dark thoughts. You were wrong.     He didn’t shiver or reacted to your strokes. Clinging to the edge of the tub, he didn’t even look at - or perhaps notice, which was worse - your hands going down towards his cock until he felt your fingers approaching his silver hairs crowning his sex. Then, he grabbed your wrists to forbid you to slide any further and kept them in a solid grip.         “Not now… Sing a song for me first.”           His unexpected demand confused you for a moment but you asked anyway. “Which song would you like to hear, my prince?”       “Have I ever answered this question before?”       No, he always let you decide, not because he had no idea of the song that he wished to listen to but because you had a real knack for finding the lyrics that resonated with him.         Aemond hated merry melodies, finding them silly and only made to be sung by jesters and drunken bards in taverns. What he loved were tragic lyrics, stories of doomed love and sorrow that he would ask you to sing at night sitting by the fireplace as if they were lullabies. And each time, he would listen to you carefully like a child and emotionlessly like a knight, secretly feeling each line deep in his heart that wasn’t as dark as everyone thought.                      

Aemond let go of your wrists and watched your beautiful face as you began to sing for him, your hands now in his hair to tenderly – if not motherly- run your fingers through the tangled strands and soothe his agitated mind.         “Oh, I am waiting for my boy, noble sailor. His hair is chestnut brown     His voice sweet as a blanket He'd promised me he'd come back to me a saviour           What is this thing that drowns?       Is it my son’s casket?”           Prince Aemond always thought you had the loveliest voice, enchanting as a mermaid and sweet as a mother. He could listen to it for hours. And yet tonight it sounded like the sharpest dagger, a blade made of Valyrian steel clinking unpleasantly in his ears and begging for an eye. It was also the teeth of a roaring dragon, tearing flesh apart and crushing bones, and the screams of a frightened boy who had never seen death before.       “Enough!” He vociferated, refusing to handle the pain you unconsciously caused him any longer.         Your mouth shut and your hands froze in his hair.     Aemond was looking away, unable make visual contact, his jaw as tightened as his fists. Rage was eating him from within but not only.       You thought about leaving him, believing you were useless, but the fact the prince had not dismissed you somehow made you stay. Perhaps, despite your inability to distract him and to relieve him tonight, he wanted you to remain by his side. Perhaps even the worst company was better than solitude.

“Be honest with me” He suddenly said.       “You know I’m always honest with you, my prince.”         “A few days ago, when you told me you feared I would abandon you after my betrothal, do you remember what I said?”             You knew the answer. “That for you own sanity you can’t let me go.” But the mention of this moment made you rather uneasy and perplexed. Why was Aemond talking about this now? Did he change his mind? Did he come to the conclusion that kicking you out of his life was the right thing to do? Was this the reason why you couldn’t comfort him tonight, why he didn’t want you?     You sensed fear growing inside of you, the questions echoing in your head like a hubbub. “Hmm… That is not what I should have said.” Your entire body shivered at his words and you instinctively hold on to his hair as one would hold on for dear life. Desperately. And you found yourself pathetic for reacting that way. You shouldn’t be surprised if Aemond had indeed come back to his dutiful senses, that he had decided to abandon you for his betrothed, a lady that certainly was way more beautiful than you and undoubtedly more educated. It was a reasonable choice, the choice any lord and or prince would make. And yet… “I should have said, for my own sanity don’t let me go.”     The terror knotting your stomach slightly loosened the same way your fingers clung at his silver hair unclenched and then you realized Aemond had been holding you by the waist all along, his short nails dug in your soft flesh. Whether it was to comfort you or out of a fear similar to yours you didn’t know.         “How can you believe I would ever let you go, my prince?”         “Because soon perhaps even in the morrow you and everyone else in this damn kingdom will call me a monster. You will reject me just like my own family have been rejecting me for years, just like they rejected me earlier when they learnt…” He brutally stopped, unable to continue his sentence.         “Have I not stood by you all these years, my prince?” You asked as you stroke his wet hair tenderly.               “You have.” He had a faint but grateful smile that barely could be seen on his heart-shaped lips.         “So why would I leave you now?”

Aemond found the courage to look at you deep in your eyes. He could tell you were waiting for an answer, that you were eager to know what had happened to him, what was the cause of his unusual behaviour. He was no fool. He was just scared. Behind his mask of unbreakable strength and austerity, he was just scared like a little boy, like the child he used to be when he had no dragon and no one as supporting and devoted as you by his side. He was scared to be abandoned, to be cast away once more. He was scared of the curse his kind were said to carry. He was scared but he spoke anyway.           “Because I am a murderer… I killed Luke.” He saw your face change, the worry in your features turning into incomprehension, the way you stared at him and almost pulled yourself out of his arms that refused to let you go as you removed your hands from his hair. He saw all that and he couldn’t see more.         “What? Why?” You asked in shock.   “Because I wanted to.” He confessed the same way he had confessed to his mother and grandsire earlier, with a coldness that concealed his shame.             “Aemond...”   “It’s the truth!” He growled. “I wanted the bastard dead. I’ve always wished him dead, since the day he took my eye … No, since the day he humiliated me by offering me that fucking pig. In my mind, he always deserved to die and only the Gods know how many times I’ve dreamt to gauge his eyeballs and present them to his whore mother on a silver platter. I wanted Luke dead. And now he is.” He could feel your eyes on him but he couldn’t even glance at you, too terrified to face your disappointment but he still found the strength to admit something he had kept hidden from his family because he still believed that despite your probable disgust right now, you would never mock him. “But I didn’t mean to kill him. I … I tried to stop Vhagar, I did. But she …” The images of his nephew and his dragon being torn to pieces stopped him from talking again and he sighed before eventually pulling your body closer to him to nestle his head in your chest and beg you, his purple eye glistening with repressed tears. “You must believe me. Please believe me. Stand by me.”   As a response, your fingers found their way back to Aemond’s hair and your caressed it to comfort him as you kissed the top of his head. He wrapped his arms around you with all the strength and despair he had and kissed your breasts with a heart-breaking gratefulness. You were still here and that’s all he wanted. But nothing had prepared him for your revelation.

“I killed my mother.” You declared, your voice barely louder than a whisper.     This was your darkest secret, the atrocity you had never told anyone but yourself when at night you would remember the macabre scene. And tonight, you were telling it to the man you held against your breasts, not to unburden you but to tell him you understood him. “What I said to you, that she died of syphilis holding my hand … that’s not what really happened.”   Aemond glanced up at you and slowly unclasped his embrace around you to let you tell your story, curious to know what it was and why it happened. There was no judgment in his eye because somehow, he could already relate.     “When I was twelve, my mother got so sick she was forced to be confined to bed. So, it fell upon me to provide for her. I turned to Madam Chataya and she hired me to take my mother’s place in the pleasure house. I was the only dragonseed whore in the Street of Silk, a blessing for the owner of the brothel but a curse for me. Men who dreamt to know how it felt to ‘fuck the blood of the dragon’ paid huge amounts of coins for a moment with me while others who hated the crown came to fuck me hard thinking it would somehow make the royals pay for their misery. And I endured this treatment every day because it was the only way to help my mother. But I got no thank you for it. All I had was more stories about Daemon Targaryen.” A tear rolled down your cheek and you chuckled to let Aemond believe you were fine. But your smile was too miserable and bitter to fool him. The prince thought about catching your tear but afraid it would stop you in your story he did not.   “One day, her sickness worsened and she got a terrible fever that made her hallucinate. For a week she thought my sire was by her side and she couldn’t stop calling his name over and over again while I was downstairs getting fucked by all the sons of bitches of King’s Landing. ‘Daemon, you’re here. Thank the gods!’” The rage and hatred you had never managed to erase made your jaw shake and your eyes darken. “It drove me mad. So, one night as she was screaming his name again, I wrapped my hands around her neck… I tried to resist. Trust me I did but I hated her so much and I hated Daemon and I hated all the men who paid to fuck me. I was just a child, seven hells!” You sobbed loudly and sensed Aemond’s fingers lightly brush the skin of your back. “She struggled, trying to gasp for air, begging me to stop but even as she did, she still yelled ‘Daemon, Daemon!’. I was crying, begging her to stop saying his name. I just wanted her notice me, to care about me, to just be my mother. She grabbed my hands to free herself from my grip but she was too weak to push me away. I felt her dying in my hands and when her body became still and she was finally silent… I think I felt more relieved than sad. I killed my own mother, Aemond. So yes, I’ll stand by you. Because people like you and me, we’re not monsters, we’re just survivors that life broke too many times.”

A new tear fell from your eyes and this time Aemond couldn’t resist the urge to wipe it from your face with his thumb. His sympathy and tenderness warmed your heart and you were grateful for them. It was possibly the first time in your entire life someone gave you pure and unconditional affection. And it felt nice.      

“Thank you.” You whispered with a faint smile that Aemond immediately caught with his lips. You gasped in his mouth but eventually welcomed his kiss with the same softness he gave you. Your fingers woven in his silver locks, his roaming up and down your back, your mouths were brushing each other, enjoying the delicacy that was so needed after such emotional confessions when your bodies began to yearn more for one another.   Your chests met harder, drawing a sharp breath out of both your parted lips and you used this moment to give the prince a passionate kiss. You pulled at his bottom lip and he moaned gutturally before he urged to smooch you, encouraged by your sudden eagerness, his hand holding the back of your neck firmly.         You could feel his cock swelling between your thighs, close to your hole that would soon be aching to be filled. You tried to ignore the growing hardness and the knot that was tightening your lower belly more and more which each second passing. You refused to seem sexually depraved to the prince’s eyes, but as soon as Aemond pressed your core to his shaft you grunted lustfully and began to move against him.         “I need you.” The words escaped your lips as you clung to his hair.           “As I need you.”         Your mouths couldn’t be separated. It was as if you needed the proximity and the mix of both your breaths to be and feel alive before the dreadful curse looming over you would make moments of intimacy like this one too rare.            

Aemond grabbed his length now erected and ready for you and guided it towards your begging entrance waiting for him under the water. Remembering what you had taught him before leaving for Storm’s End, he teased your clit with his tip and watched you squirm in his arms with an amused smirk on his lips before entering you almost smoothly. You wriggled a bit as he slid inside you to take him deeper.                 “Always such a tight warm hole for me.” Aemond purred as he took hold of your hips to sheathe his long shaft to the hilt. Your wet walls fit so well around him, taking every inch of his length perfectly. “Do you like it?” You asked then winced a bit when Aemond pulled out and pushed back inside of you with strength.           Your grimace brutally calmed the prince’s burning ardour and he froze. “Did I hurt you?” He worried with an apologetic tone when he understood he should have perhaps given you more time to adjust to his girthy presence before moving.   His reaction moved you. Never a man had shown any concern for you. You had always been treated like a toy, a doll all men with enough gold or power – Aemond included - could use or abuse to their will.         The prince’s sudden softness brought a single tear to your eye and you blinked to prevent it from rolling down your cheek.   “No.” You whispered and your face beamed with gratefulness. You kissed Aemond again to reassure him and slowly adjusted yourself to his cock by undulating your hips, a necessity knowing Aemond’s tendency to be hard, rough and extremely passionate.           But then he said something that caught you off guard.       “Keep doing that.”     It took you a solid second to understand what he meant and wanted from you and when you finally did, you stared at him confused. Did he want you on top? A part of you couldn’t believe this to be true. And he noticed.           “Ride me.” He ordered, making his wish perfectly clear this time.           “You sure? You never allowed me on top before, my prince.”       “I’m your dragon, aren’t I? Dragons are meant to be ridden. So, do it.” His command sounded so sensual to your ears you suddenly clenched around him, feeling an arousal you had never felt before. Aemond hissed as he slammed his head back against the edge of the tub and he put his hand on your hips to silently tell you to move.         You took a comfortable position on top of him, hands on his shoulders, your breasts close to his face, and slowly you lifted yourself up only to sink back on his hard cock as soon as his tip threatened to leave your hole. Aemond grunted as you welcomed him back inside inch by inch and he breathed hard. He seemed to enjoy it so much. So you did it again and again and again until he began to moan so desperately you decided to accelerate your pace. You took a hold of the edge of the tub right above the prince’s silver head and started to bounce on top of him, flooding the stone floor more and more each time your entrance eagerly met his balls.           “Seven heavens, you feel so good.” Aemond managed to compliment between two growls and you beamed.             “No, you feel so good, my dragon.”             The position was indeed amazing, empowering even. The proximity, the intimacy, the sensation to be in charge and to have Aemond, a prince, all to yourself. You could get used to this. “Indeed, it seems you’re enjoying me quite a lot.” Aemond hissed under your frantic rhythm. You were so wet around him and he was sure that wasn’t the water.                         You nodded and chuckled as you kept your pace steady but passionate. But soon, your desires began to scream loudly inside of you, encouraging you to take more, more pleasure, more power, more of Aemond. You let them guide you and your movements turned into a furious riding, similar to a wild rodeo except that the beast you were straddling was no wild animal but a very docile dragon staring at you with a burning but calm adoration through his lidded eye, his hands worshipping your body but occasionally clawing at your skin.       “Fuck I love riding you.” You admitted and Aemond smirked at your coarseness, definitely amused but proud to see you enjoy his cock so much.   “Keep going then, my fierce rider.” He joked and submitted to you even more to observe you take what you so eagerly wanted. He loved dominating you but there was something truly satisfying in seeing you fervently enjoying yourself on top of him. He made him feel somewhat adored, a feeling that had been too rare in his young life.      

“Touch me, please.”  You asked and one of the prince’s big hands gladly left your waist to slide down to your fold, ready to find your throbbing clit and send you over the edge, a generous gesture he was happy to offer you.       “Not here.” You stopped him, almost breathless. You took his hands in yours and abruptly brought them to your bouncing breasts that left unattended for too long to your taste. “There.” Aemond obediently cupped them as if he was holding two beautiful fruits and instantly started to toy with your sensitive perky nipples, pinching them and rolling them between his fingers. You grunted as he did and dug your nails in the wooden edge of the tub when you felt yourself almost fall on top of the Targaryen prince.           Your breasts brushed Aemond’s face in your fall and, unable to resist their delicious shape, he claimed one by catching it with his mouth. He immediately started sucking it loudly, twirling his tongue around the nipple as his cock began to throb in your cunt. It was no secret he liked your breasts in his mouth but you never saw the prince adoring them like that. Usually, he would suck at them for comfort, not for lustful purposes.     As he kept on devouring your teats, Aemond’s hand slid down your sides to find your waist again. He grabbed you firmly and you felt him adjust himself underneath you, forcing you to stop your eager bouncing on top of him. You clearly understood what he was trying to do. So, you bent on top of him even more, pressing your forehead to his, to help him a bit.     “You don’t mind?”     “Not if you bring me to the stars with you.” You whispered closed to his lips with a smile and he chuckled almost silently.   “Hmm… I can do that.”         “I’m sure you can, my dragon.”         He took your words as a challenge anyway and rapidly became entranced. He thrusted his cock inside you hard and deep to make you mewl and then when he reached the end of your squelchy pit, he began hammering you from underneath.         The water in the tub became agitated as you took each of Aemond’s mighty thrusts with loud lustful cries that only encouraged him to accelerate and soon your walls began to clench more and more around Aemond’s throbbing cock.             You were aware of the power of a tightening cunt around an aching shaft and you could definitely tell by looking at Aemond’s face wrinkled with pleasure that he was very close to reach his high. So, you tried to warn him, afraid he was too lost in lust to realise he was very close to milk his cock inside you.           “Aemond, careful. You will—”         “Let me… let me.” He panted almost begging you.

You eyed at him with surprise but also seriousness. You did not want him to make a reckless decision that he would regret later.     He sensed your state of mind and caught your look. His purple eye was lidded, reflecting the incoming burst growing inside him but he was still very conscious of his actions. “That’s alright. I truly want it. I want to know how it feels to breed a woman… to breed you.”           Just as before, his words made you moan and shiver and you ultimately nodded and buried your face in his neck, offering him your body to do as he wished.       Your submission set Aemond’s loins on fire and a solid hand wrapped around the back of your neck as he bit your shoulder like an animal in heat trying to breed his mate. He did not hurt you though. His hand and teeth were just merely to keep you in place as he kept chasing his release inside you with a rough and fervent pace.   His need was bringing you closer to your climax. Seeing Aemond so desperate, so eager to cum inside of you was the most arousing thing in the world. And after a few perfect thrusts, your walls began to flutter and you finally came loudly, crying in his neck. Your cunt furiously clenched and unclenched around his cock as you went up and down your high.             “Don’t muffle your screams, not tonight, not as I put my seed in you.” The Targaryen commanded as he felt you cum around him and push his aching cock towards its release.                 “Aemond!!” You shouted and he finally spurted his semen into you as he growled lewdly for long seconds, his voice following the rhythm of his manhood emptying itself in your comforting hole.

When there was nothing else that he could give you, the prince’s body became limp and he let himself sink in the tub, dragging you down with him. You laid against him, his cock still inside you keeping his seed as deeply as possible, your head on his beating chest, and you silently listened to his thundering heart.         You were both tired and panting, unable to move and to talk. But even if you could, what would you do? What would you say that your silence and embrace couldn’t show already? You rubbed your face on Aemond, trembling but very satisfied and you wrapped your arms around him. He responded with his fingertips caressing your back and that’s all you both needed right now.          

‘Every time a Targaryen is born, the gods toss a coin in the air and the world holds its breath. Which side will it be, greatness or madness.’ You didn’t know if your mother had tossed a coin for you and if she had, which side it had fallen on. But as your body was still united with Aemond’s, you began to think that if you tossed a coin right now it would show you madness because you were mad about your prince.

"kissing is for people we like only" (1/2)

in which pete loves and vegas lusts

so a lot of people think that the vegaspete dynamic is interesting because they are in fact polar opposites of each other, but in ways that they make up for what the other lacks. that they are two sides of the same coin. i also think this, particularly in the way vegas and pete approach love, lust and intimacy.

pete loves unconditionally and pete loves hard. pete will do anything for the people he loves and it doesn't take much for pete to get attached. take his relationship with porsche. pete is very much a giver in that relationship - pete shares grandma's cooking with porsche, he guides porsche around and tells him about the main family, he comforted porsche after the whole dub-con thing, he gives porsche defensive tips when porsche was getting 'punished' by kinn (oh you dumb sweet boy). now i'm not saying porsche does nothing in return, but they don't show porsche reciprocating this kind of care, comfort and advice that pete gives. so from the audience perspective, porsche hasn't done anything of substance to gain pete's trust and loyalty. hell, they even pointed guns at each other and had a little dungeon dalliance. yet pete knows porsche is a good person and trusts him so much to the point he asks to be sent on a suicide mission. he knows the consequences if he gets caught and he's completely willing to go through a painful, slow, tortourous death for porsche.

pete himself is incredibly strong and capable. his mentality and physicality is nothing to underestimate as proven by the way he handles vegas' torture and the many times he's kicked ass. but when it comes to people pete loves and cares about, his resolve disappears. as soon as vegas brings up his grandmother, pete breaks - "i give up vegas. i give up." pete loving people to the end of the earth is not a weakness, it only proves his strength, that yes he can find something in the worst people, in vegas, and he can find empathy and love for someone absolutely no one else can - "everyone has good and bad parts" - pete can see both parts of vegas when others don't even try, they just think it's non-existent.

here's where i think a lot of people are going to disagree, but pete is naive and innocent, especially when it comes to love. but this may be by choice. pete, who sees the world in shades of grey and doesn't believe in heroes or villains, believes in love as something pure and uncorruptable. he believes in this whole heartedly because maybe that gives him some sort of hope in this world he's come to know (the abusive family life and the underworld of the mafia). love is something he can control, it is his to give out and it is something valuable to pete. intimacy, touch, kissing, pete finds these things precious and pure. it gives him a sense of good amongst the bad. this is why he aims to spread more smiles than tears, if he can love, then he can ignore the pain. pete thinks the same for vegas too, and this is why when he's reading the blood type book he tells vegas "you need love", why he reinforces that vegas has macau "who loves you very much" (quote from the book and frankly, i'm livid they didn't make pete say that line but made him say the first half, also more macau character study coming up soon hohoo) because truly, deeply, pete believes in the power of love. perhaps that's why, despite being porsche's best friend, he was completely oblivious to kinn and porsche. pete only knew porsche was being punished, and he has seen kinn be mean to porsche, so the thought they were in a relationship or had something brewing amongst them didn't cross his mind at all because how could they have feelings together when kinn is mean? pete can't believe love is anything other than perfect because then he would have no reason to believe in the good along with the bad.

pete probably thinks his first time and virginity should be precious and 'right'.

but vegas doesn't, he doesn't even remember when his first was.

(p.s. i'd like to clarify that i am not saying either of those above perceptions about losing your virginity in a negative way, either perspective is completely valid and no one should be shamed for how they perceive their sexual autonomy!)

Vegas (2/2)

hi ! feel free not to answer if you don't want to, but what is the difference between tartali and zhongchi?

the difference is both in their dynamic and bed position.

the latter is easy to notice, whoever gets the d has half their names on the right side of the acronym.

but for the former, if you're a passerby or don't really mind any dynamics you wouldn't notice it, but if you've been fixed into one dynamic for a decade like i do, you just can tell even at first glance even if its not ship work. like a spidey-sense hhhh.

to see the difference first-hand, try looking for those tags on Pixiv, Lofter, or any eastern/asian websites and see how each characters are depicted. (Can't really show images myself because i'm avoiding landmines) :

TartaLi : タル鍾, 公钟

ZhongChi : 鍾タル, 离达

i might be biased here but you'll mostly see a more masculine and domineering side of Zhongli in ZhongChi community because he's a dragon, the Liyue's emperor, and "god of war", probably stoic and have a heart like stone, uhh CEO seme from webtoons vibe.

but you'll see more graceful, femme/androgynous depiction of Zhongli in TartaLi community, because TartaLi fans focus on little details like how Zhongli is a shapeshifter, was a thoughtful leader to his people despite not wanting dominion, he's half lin (female qilin) and rumored to be a woman at some point, how soft his CN voice is, how gods are usually androgynous because they ascend beyond gender, etc.

other than visuals, i think other aspect of the two thats not discussed as much is also the fanbases. the two far sides have complete opposite interpretation of each characters.

both sides also treat the characters differently, like how most ZhongChi would baby Childe and took pity on him, dare i say even genuinely see Zhongli as a cruel heartless person while TartaLi folks would clown Childe (affectionately) and are mostly avid Zhongli protectors lol.

of course, at the end of the day the two are polar opposites and if you don't have much preference, you don't need to pick a side. theres a middle ground that some on Twitter made called ZhongChiLi, which is coined as an english switch name for them. (quite rare)

though for us in particular, we're just very picky and have peculiar taste.

~🍵

"US" BLOG

Duality 

In Jordan Peele’s “US”, the mirrored reality of the characters is established throughout the film in subtle and overt ways. With the use of 11:11, Adelaide and Red’s life story, the house of mirrors, and more, poles and their antipodes are paralleled making for gripping visual representation of minds and worlds converging. The theme of polarity reveals the different worlds these characters live in as they fight to survive in a battle that is ultimately due to the merging of the boundaries between these two opposites. The genius behind evil twins murdering their above-earth counterparts further develops this idea of if two sides of the same coin met one day. The reappearance of 11:11 caught my eye throughout the movie in a different way than when I first watched the film. Maybe it was watching it analytically this time around, or just paying more attention, but the possible significance of the numbers as a bible verse, a wishing hour, or a toy’s designated label stuck out. When Adelaide says “I want number 11”, was she unknowingly wishing for a different life: one of a little girl whose parents were happily together with the sole focus of adoring their daughter on her birthday? At the same time, there was her tether, Red, who was wishing for the moment to breathe fresh air on the outside because nothing could be worse than her situation at current. On the other hand, the 11:11 is used representing  a bible verse detailing God’s rage, reflecting the religious undertones that the film uses to paint its grisly and merciless tethers. Furthermore, the theme of preparedness is another interesting aspect of “US”, depicting characters who defend themselves against terrifying creatures which is rare for a horror movie and their commonly helpless victims. In lecture, we discussed the fact that black people have a history of preparedness, one that white people would be unfamiliar with. In this way, the survival mindset of the Wilsons also demonstrates the idea of polarity, of different worlds. White people do not move in the world in the same way as black people. They may live in worlds completely unknown to each other where one must move cautiously and are fully aware of themselves at all times and the other never has to be aware of their race in any setting.                     “US” is filled to the brim with twists, a multitude of layers, and brilliant performances from actors who were playing two opposite characters. Taking the audience on a terrifying journey, Peele delivers another marvel that will leave movie goers questioning everything. 

I've seen bkdk called a lot of things - soulmates, rivals, wonder duo, twin star... They're obviously connected very deeply and honestly will prob be next to each other the rest of their lives. I was hoping you could give some examples (as many as you'd like) on how they're similar, different, and how they complete each other/balance each other out. Example, bakugou does x where izu would do y. Baku sees x as y while izu sees x as z. Idk, I just like talking about them being 2 sides of 1 coin.

Alright anon so this ask made me have to recruit friends to get manga caps for you, and I still won't be able to fit them all in here thanks to tumblrs pic limit. I'll do my best to give you what you're asking for.

In terms of being the same, there is quite a few. I think many people tend to see Bakugou and Deku as like...polar opposites, and it's not really true. They're much more similar than people give them credit for.

Look at this I already used 3 image spaces lmao.

Look at their facial expressions. Identical. They're fucking twins. It's honestly the cutest thing I've ever seen, and then, THEN WE HAVE THEIR FUCKING TELEPATHY. If they weren't on same wavelength, there is no way they would be able to do this. Now, obviously this scene is meant more to be them whispering to each other but then there is THIS

Same brain. Same panic response. I just...sometimes they're too similar and it's fucking hilarious. I love them so much. And obviously Hori made it a point to have them BOTH included in these scenes. He could have just had Deku, since he was more aware of Todoroki's situation, but he included Bakugou because they share the same brain.

Then we have Deku, and some little things about his views relating to Kacchan.

It's Kacchan first. Always.

If Bakugou is involved, he comes first in Deku's head. KACCHAN.....and everyone else!! I know there are people out there that want to dismiss this as shippers being wishful in their thinking but I mean...just look at the panels above. That seems pretty obvious to me. We even have one in the newer chapter when Deku is in the Dreamscape. His first thought is immediately Kacchan! And the rest!

Also, we get that last panel where, without skipping a beat, Deku completely agrees that Bakugou would have mastered OfA by now if he had it. He is OPENLY FAWNING OVER THAT IDEA. It's unbelievably cute how much he admires Bakugou's strength.

This is what trips me up about people who think Deku hates Bakugou because uh...hello!!?!?!? Do you see this? Do you see how his mind is completely and totally filled with Kacchan almost constantly????? It isn't a shipping lense and it isn't wishful thinking, it's 100% completely canon and if people read with their eyes open, they would see that.

Now for Bakugou, and I'll have to finish with this because I only have two image slots left. After that it'll be me talking a bunch because I have so many feelings about these two assholes.

So of course I had to include the infamous "Keep your eyes on me, Deku!" because no post about their relationship would be complete without it.

Just as Deku's eyes have only been on Bakugou, the same is said for the other. The intensity of that line alone is so telling to me when it comes to Bakugou, and how he views Deku. He wants Deku to watch him, he wants him to see the progress he's made and he wants it to fuel Deku's own drive to do better and get stronger. Shortly after this we have their confrontation where Bakugou points out he's moving faster than Deku can catch up, and Deku's immediate response is,

"No, I'll surpass you!" And his eyes are shining so fucking bright I think I'll go blind every time I read it. That kind of power to influence someone else is unbelievable. And while they both influence everyone in 1A, the influence they have on each other in undoubtedly stronger than for anyone else.

Then we come to that last panel, which ultimately leads us to Bakugou's big sacrifice in 285.

Deku wasn't necessarily near Bakugou when notice of Shigaraki hunting for OfA came through the radio, but Bakugou was obviously watching, because the moment he saw Deku turn to go off on his own, he was by his side. Now, Bakugou attempts to push off his joining Deku as just wanting to get revenge on Shigaraki himself, but 284 and 285 completely disprove that.

Bakugou followed Deku. Bakugou went after Deku because he knew better than anyone what Deku would end up doing, which was attempting to sacrifice himself for the people he was trying to save. Bakugou understood that before and better than anyone else ever could, so he chased after him to fight with him and protect him.

Then we get 285, where we see Bakugou jump in to save Deku, this kid who he swore he hated his entire life. But why would he let Deku continue to call him Kacchan if he hated him so much?(a name I might add, that is actually a form of endearment by Japanese language standards) Why would he continue to butt heads with Deku and force his way into Deku's line of sight time and time again if he hated him? Why would he stubbornly insist on needing to surpass someone he always saw as less than if he still felt that way?

Their relationship is so complex on so many levels and I could go on for hours about different things I've noticed and continue to notice, but I don't wanna drag on too long.

Just know that these panels aren't even a quarter of the extent their relationship goes, and I wish I could have stretched this on and on with panel after panel of their canon dynamic and how obvious it is that they care, inspire, encourage, and fuel the other.

This relationship is one for the books, and I hope more people come to appreciate it.

glimmer and catra...... glimmer and catra. on the surface you’d think if there were any characters in the show that were polar opposites itd be these two, catra was the face of the people who killed glimmers father and glimmer stole adora from catra and was also born with privilege and power while catra had to fight tooth and nail for survival. but as we get to know glimmer we see they have a lot of the same issues. both of them just wanted respect, and they were two kids stuck in terrible situations just waiting for the day they could take power for themselves and make the world a safer place. glimmer’s world was all of etheria but catra’s world was just the fright zone and you can see how they approach things differently because of that. 

its not until they see each other at their lowest points that you start to think like.. they really are two sides of the same coin. when glimmer outsmarted her catra allowed glimmer to see her at her weakest basically suicidal (not even adora ever saw her like that, just completely surrendered.. it was different from 3x05), and right after that catra saw glimmer make the same mistake she did with the portal, wanting to defeat her enemies at any cost and nearly destroying the world in the process. catra came to respect glimmer in season 4 and see something of herself in her so she steps up and tries to protect her from horde prime. ultimately her love for adora was what inspired her to change but that FIRST step? that first selfless act? it was for GLIMMER!!! her worst enemy, even worse than adora because there was never any love there, she absolutely hated glimmer and everything she stood for. thats how you know her redemption was real.

AND THEN!!! catra was all ready to sell adora out to horde prime in this one final act of revenge and self destruction but glimmer of all people was able to get through to her and help change her mind?? like yeah in that moment glimmer was out of options but still, it was clear that she SAW something in catra. after spending days/weeks getting to know her she saw something in her that was good and didnt give up on her even after all the horrifying shit catra did to her.. even after she tried to destroy Bright Moon her home and the whole world that she felt responsible to protect, and caused angella’s sacrifice..... now with prime catra had the chance to destroy the world again and had already proven herself capable of it so what reason would glimmer have to put faith in her? except for the fact that she had come to see herself in catra as well... so in 5x03 she takes her hand and begs her to do something good and its such a beautiful moment (especially when catra proves to be worthy of her trust). once again the memory of adora is what ultimately inspires her sacrifice but it was glimmer who put it in her head, who showed her trust when she thought she was worthless.. and you cant tell me catra saving glimmer was just for adora’s sake bc it wasn’t. it wasn’t.

then in the next episode glimmer is completely on catra’s side, defending her to adora “she said she was doing it for you” and immediately jumping on board with a plan to risk everything to save her because against all odds glimmer had come to care about catra too. glimmer who used to say things like “i wont risk the whole alliance for one princess who betrayed us” and “evil people don’t change” now smiling telling adora “did you think she was going to just instantly become a totally different person?”

ITS LIKE!! they were mortal enemies who BOTH tried to kill each other multiple times AND NOW THEY’RE OUT HERE SAVING EACH OTHER!!!!!! THIS POST IS PURE INCOHERENT RAMBLING IM SORRY BUT GLITRA SIMPLY TRANSCENDS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Writing Romance: Opposites Attract

One of the most widespread among romantic tropes is opposites attract, and with good reason. When a couple are opposites, they’re meant to be one of a few things to each other: 1. An inverse reflection of each other. 2. Compliment each other 3. Cover each other’s shortcomings

In a sense, a good Opposites Attract serves to turn two incomplete people into one solid force. If they’re a battle couple, they’ll tend to fight very well together, often balancing force and finesse, melee and ranged, or physical and magical abilities. If the show or book has a lot of time dedicated to foils and character moments, they are more likely to be the ones that each other lean on, since their opposing characters makes them interesting to react off one another. Their roles, story arcs, and backstories tend to run opposite or parallel to one another depending on the series. If one character’s arc is to mature and become more responsible, likely their partner’s arc might be to learn to loosen up and have fun, learn to trust people, or to face a trauma in their past that made them so mature at a young age.

In terms of design, opposites attract partners tend to be inverse in color schemes. Light and dark hair or eyes, warm and cool color schemes, clashing or complimentary fashion styles, etc. The degree in opposition also varies. Some opposites attract look very similar with only a slight difference, indicating that something small is what set them on different paths in life but are otherwise very similar, almost as two sides of the same coin. Other couples are stark contrasts with virtually nothing in common to really emphasize their differences so that they can better make each other whole, as shown very literally through the character of Garnet in Steven Universe. 

Femme and Butch

While typically, you’re mostly going to see this in femmeslash/yuri pairings, this dynamic is actually fairly universal. This divide focuses on a pairing where each couple reflects the values of masculinity and femininity. Although mostly used as lesbian terms, a femme and butch pairing can also be gay or heterosexual. A fashion-loving twink who cries during romantic movies dating a jock who likes sports and drinks beer is still an example of Femme and Butch. Heterosexual is rather obvious, but can also be inversed, with a tough, assertive woman partnered with a sweet, sensitive man, such as Calhoun and Felix in Wreck-It Ralph. A Femme and Butch pairing doesn’t need to check off every box on this list of traits, but these traits tend to be common in these types of relationships.

Brains and Brawn

Also known as Jock and Nerd, this romantic dynamic prioritizes the usefulness of both intelligence and brute strength. Another variation is Book Smarts vs Street Smarts. The Brains will be good at doing research, organizing, and will tend to fight more strategically while the Brawn is primarily going to be good at fighting and likely protecting the Brains from serious harm. Princess and Bodyguard is another possible example of this dynamic, albeit a little less directly.

Hot and Cold

Hot or Warm characters tend to be friendly, outgoing, upbeat, loudmouthed, temperamental, boisterous, and battle-ready. Cold or Cool personalities tend to be shy, calm, quiet, logical, reserved, serious, and emotionally withdrawn. However, while these extreme opposites of hot-head and cold-shoulder balance each other out, it’s worth discussing same heat relationships. Kiribaku is an example of a Hot/Warm relationship, as Bakugou Katsuki is an angry little spitfire with an aggressive streak, while Kirishima Eijirou is a happy-go-lucky sweetheart with a good attitude. This is sort of the same concept, just that both boys are on the warm side of the spectrum, with Kirishima being the cooler counter to Bakugou’s temperamental hot-head. This also works inversely, as the ship Tododeku is a Cold/Cool relationship. Midoriya is a shy, but upbeat young man who tends not to draw too much attention to himself, while Todoroki is stoic, logical, and a bit dense socially. In this case, Midoriya is Cool while Todoriki is Cold, with Midoriya serving as the “Hot” aspect of their relationship as the more friendly and outgoing of the two.  

Light and Shadow

This archetype is often used as a “opposite sides of the same coin” format, where the characters serve as foils to one another. In Teen Titans, Raven’s powers are dark and demonic, while Starfire’s are bright and extraterrestrial. Both girls get their powers from their emotions, but where Starfire revels in her emotions to make her powerful, Raven must suppress her emotions to retain control of her powers. As the only two girls, they stick out as the obvious foils of the group. Many times, when this trope appears, it’s in the form of Classic Paragon Hero vs Cynical Anti-Hero. Superman and Batman are a great example. Superman is a boyscout token good guy, while Batman is a brooding loner. One is the hope for justice and goodness to always triumph while the other acknowledges that people are flawed, and maybe not everyone deserves to be saved. Naruto is interesting because he has two dark reflections. The first is Sasuke. While Naruto is the golden-haired idealist who befriends villains almost as often as Steven Universe, Sasuke is a dark counter consumed by a thirst for vengeance and the power to exact it. Naruto’s other dark counter however is Gaara. Both are Jinchuriki, but whereas Naruto eventually found friends and love in his fellow genin, Gaara was very much still alone when he met Naruto, reflecting what Naruto could have become without that love and support in this life.

Protagonist and Rival

Another case of “two sides of the same coin”, most anime protagonists and their rival tend to either have very similar backstories, very similar motivations, or very similar personalities, if not some combination of the three. Both Naruto and Sasuke were abandoned in the world at a young age with the Hokage looking out for them from afar. Naruto started off having nobody, and was always reaching out hoping to connect with anyone. Meanwhile, Sasuke started with a family and lost it, and decided to keep everyone at arm’s length and isolate himself further. Rin Okumura and Ryuji Suguro are practically the same person. Both lost their families and homes due to Satan, both are strong-willed loudmouthed tough guys with a knack for leadership, and both share the goal of killing Satan. Natsu Dragneel is immature and battle-ready, but while Grey Fullbuster at least pretends to be above it, he’ll jump into a fight with Natsu practically unprompted. The main appeal of the anime protagonist and his rival is that they push each other to succeed, often coming from very similar roots, but where they end up is entirely up to the effort they put in and the path they choose to take. They both refuse to lose to each other, and that propells them to constantly want to out-do each other.

Sweet and Sour

My best friend and I are polar opposites in this sense. When we met, she was far too trusting, submissive, and far too forgiving. Meanwhile, I was a lot more cynical, mean-spirited, and unfortunately, a little more closed-minded than I’d like to admit. After five years of friendship, my friend is far more assertive, has a lot more confidence in herself, is a lot better at handling criticism, and rather than just submitting in an argument, she now has the nerve to get in someone’s face and make her point heard. Because of her, I’ve become less stand-offish, more patient and polite, less of a control freak, more aware of valuing other people’s emotions, and more tolerant of a group I hadn’t realized I’d been intolerant toward. We saw the world in such distinctly different ways that we have managed to rub off on each other, and now we’re both such stronger and more complete people for having known each other.

Serious and Goofball

A classic comedy duo, the comedian and the straight man. The Goofball character tends to be immature, a knucklehead, a jokester, and comes off as a bit inexperienced. Meanwhile, the Serious character tends to be mature, responsible, disciplined, but comes off as a bit aloof. The Goofball reminds the Serious character to have a little fun every once in a while, while the Serious character reins in the Goofball before they hurt themselves or somebody else.

Hero and Sidekick

The hero has their act together and the sidekick is just doing their best. This happens a lot in Action movies where the handsome tough guy and the hapless damsel (who he kidnaps a little too often for my liking) is just kind of along for the ride. The two live in entirely different worlds. Sometimes this comes in the variant of Starlet and Manager where one in the relationship takes center stage while the other is content to help them run their life, promote their career, and help them. Another variation is Superstar and Random Extra, wherein one person leads a very visible life in the public eye being adored by millions of fans while their partner works 9-5 in an office dealing with insurance claims. Although they coe from very different worlds and lead very different lives, that doesn’t mean they still haven’t found love in an unlikely place. Often, the reason the hero or big shot loves this random nobody is because they fell in love with them before they ever became famous, or they didn’t know/care who the celebrity was and just liked them as a person without interest in using their celebrity to climb the social ladder.

Loud and Quiet

She’s quirky, outgoing, bubbly, energetic, and talkative. Too talkative. She never shuts up. He’s quiet, simple, down-to-earth, and calm. Too Calm. He never gets excited. This pairing works to push and pull each other until they’ve harmonized. The Quiet one will be pulled out of their shell and learn to be more open and talkative, while the Loud one will learn to think before they act. This couple is divided along lines of Introversion and Extroversion, and together can navigate the anxiety-triggering unease of a social gathering, and finding joy and pleasure in just enjoying each other’s company without needing to fill the silence with pointless chatter.

To be fair, many Opposites Attract couples will fit into more than one of these archetypes, and there’s probably more I didn’t list. But if you’re wanting to create a couple that balances each other out, I hope you find this helpful to you in your writing.

Two Sides of the Same Coin: An Analysis of AIRREAL in Re:FOLLOWER (2019)

Re:FOLLOWER (2019) is one of those TV dramas that you watch till the end and then have to watch from the beginning again. The identity of the enigmatic AIRREAL was one of the most intriguing questions that I had since the start and even after the final climactic reveal. Who is he? What does he symbolise? What is his relationship with Hitomi? Does he even exist? Let’s talk about the mystery of AIRREAL down in the cut below.

(So fascinated I was that I wrote an academic paper analysing his role in the drama and handed it in. Below is me finally writing what I wish I could write in that academic paper, because I have to sound objective and follow a word limit in academics. But I do not have to do that when I want to rant about Sato Ryuji on tumblr.)

((Also, spoilers ahead.))

AIRREAL is not real

The final revelation of in the last episode is, of course, the revelation that AIRREAL is not actually “real” in the fullest sense – that is, he isn’t a separate human being, but has only existed in Hitomi’s head the whole time. Hints about his non-existence are scattered all over the drama.

AIRREAL’s name, costuming, and behaviour

AIRREAL's name is taken from Ariel in the Tempest, a spirit (not a human!), which already hints at his non-existence. Furthermore, his name, unlike all the other direct references to Shakespearean texts, is spelt differently: AIRREAL. The two parts of the name "AIR" and "REAL" already raises the question of why it's spelt that way. Is he real? Or is he just air?

His costuming, particularly because Sato Ryuji is dramatic and asked for it, stands out from everyone else, who is dressed rather normally. He has bright blue eyes and coloured highlights in his hair that change from episode to episode without any explanation. Compare that to the naturalistic costuming that everyone else has and it highlights him as a strange character.

He never moves anything nor passes anything directly to anyone. In Episode 1, he tosses the book to Hitomi and Hitomi is seen catching it. In Episode 3, he drops the book on the table instead of handing it to Hitomi. When sitting down, he never moves the chair.

He never speaks directly to anyone except Hitomi, and nobody speaks directly to AIRREAL except Hitomi either. When communicating with Tomoki, for example, he does it exclusively through text. He never addresses anyone directly by speaking, other than Hitomi. In Episode 2, he appears to be speaking to the whole group, but nobody reacts to his words (with the exception of Hitomi). In fact, there are quite a number of times when he appears to simply speak into the air. Nobody reacts to him except Hitomi.

“Plot holes”

He appears in places with no explanation. Hitomi and Tomoki spend about an episode and a half infiltrating the Kurikara cult to get in their building and temple. However, AIRREAL suddenly appears in the hallway and the room with them (Episode 4), with no explanation to who he is. Nobody reacts to his sudden appearance. Nobody asks why he’s there. He just appears and enters the room as if he’s always been there.

Another example is when Hitomi is on the run. Hitomi and Mina have been running around randomly without a clear destination for about an episode, trying to dodge the police. Just then, AIRREAL somehow magically appears across the lake from them, with no explanation about how AIRREAL knew that Hitomi would be there, a completely random spot that Hitomi had stopped at to take a breath.

When passing tickets to Hitomi, Yuusaku gives him two tickets to the play (even though there are three of them). Hitomi goes to the play, and Tomoki looks up at the time and realises he’s missed it, indicating that the two tickets were most likely meant for Hitomi and Tomoki (who doesn’t make it to the show). What about AIRREAL? AIRREAL shows up to the play to watch it, but leaves in the middle of it later. But if CRESSIDA was a four-man group, why would Yuusaku only give two tickets to his three friends?

Cinematography

The camera uses certain shots that suggest AIRREAL’s immateriality. There’s a shot-reverse-shot in Episode 4, where AIRREAL mysteriously vanishes in the final shot. AIRREAL’s abrupt and sudden disappearances continues in Episode 6-7, where AIRREAL suddenly vanishes from the theatre and appears outside even while the play is still going on.

There’s also the ending of Episode 3, which portrays (the spirit of) the dead boy Taku appearing over the hill to symbolically represent that he has moved on. AIRREAL appears in the shot just after Taku’s voice is heard – and then Taku is seen coming over the hill. Placing AIRREAL before Taku’s appearance not only suggests that he is not actually there because it equates him with Taku, who is also clearly not meant to be seen as “real”, but also suggests that AIRREAL has brought Taku with him to say one last goodbye.

AIRREAL is often portrayed being in the distance as well, such as in Episode 7’s ending, giving him a distant, solitary feel compared to the rest of the characters.

The use of a low angle in the climax of Episode 10 where AIRREAL appears to be standing above Hitomi also gives AIRREAL an unreal feeling because he does not seem to be grounded in anything – the background behind him is completely white (presumably the sky). All of these shots contribute to the idea that AIRREAL is not actually a “real person” in that sense.

AIRREAL and Hitomi are the same person

Double exposure

The relationship between AIRREAL and Hitomi is hinted even in Episode 1. The use of double exposure and overlapping voices shows how AIRREAL and Hitomi are overlapping personalities, not two different people all together. This double exposure happens multiple times. It happens twice in Episode 1: First, in the intro flashback, which shows their voices blending into each other as well.

The second comes from an extremely jarring sequence, in which AIRREAL passes Hitomi while walking down the street. It is filmed in slow-motion and comes to a pause using a freeze-frame. There is a series of quick jump-cuts between the two of them, then a double exposure of a negative image onto the freeze-frame. In the negative image, their positions are the reverse of the freeze-frame, so that they appear to be "in" each other. Then, there's multiple double exposures of their faces flashing quickly. As the scene resumes into normal speed, they lift their phones at the same time.

Another instance of this double exposure happening is in Episode 6's climax. In this case, the scene starts with a series of jump cuts between Hitomi and AIRREAL's faces and then slowly fades AIRREAL's face in Hitomi. Another thing significant about the scene is that their voices also mirror this effect, starting with only AIRREAL's voice (even though Hitomi is shown to be speaking, so it's non-diegetic) and then fading in with Hitomi's voice gradually. There's an implication that even though Hitomi is speaking to the crowd, it is AIRREAL who is actually the one speaking through Hitomi. Their identities, voices, faces all overlap into each other.

Blocking

AIRREAL is also shown to be behind Hitomi. In the library scene in Episode 1, the camera quickly pans from Hitomi to reveal that AIRREAL is sitting behind him – AIRREAL is the driving force behind many of Hitomi’s actions. This blocking (of AIRREAL being behind Hitomi) repeatedly occurs. He is shown trailing behind Hitomi in Episode 3 as they walk towards the field, as the camera pans from Hitomi to AIRREAL (drawing an equivalence between them).

AIRREAL's phone

One of the biggest hints and also one of the reasons why some keen-eyed people were able to guess the big twist from Episode 1 is the presence of AIRREAL's phone in a key scene: the intro flashback. AIRREAL's phone is kept off to the side, but it's present in Hitomi's room, even though presumably AIRREAL is not there. When AIRREAL is introduced, we don't see his face at first. First, we see a shot of his back, then we first see his hand and his phone, before he slowly moves it away, revealing his face. AIRREAL's "identity" is represented through his phone, as shown in the later revelation in Episode 10, where they reveal that Hitomi has been carrying around 2 phones and texting from both of them, without realising it.

Mirroring

AIRREAL and Hitomi also mirror each other multiple times. In Episode 2, they both pause in their step at the same spot between the bookshelves while walking around the library. (In the behind the scenes commentary, Ryuji also mentions that they were supposed to mirror each other's actions, but Shun didn’t, oops.) In Episode 4, the shot-reverse-shot shows AIRREAL and Hitomi both pulling a book from the shelf at the same time. These parallels between them show their sameness.

AIRREAL is the Darkness to Hitomi's Light

So, AIRREAL and Hitomi are the same person, as revealed in the ending. What sets them apart?

AIRREAL represents darker instincts of vengeance while Hitomi is meant to be the beacon of justice.

Episode 3 epitomises the difference between them. AIRREAL sets up the entire incident: he is the one who lures everyone to the field so that Yui can kill Shuiichi's boy in front of him as revenge for Shuiichi's murder of Taku. But Hitomi calls Yui's father to stop her from going through it by making her realise that she needs to let Taku go. The balance between what is revenge and what is justice is very delicate, but justice (represented by Hitomi's intervention) wins. The shallow focus shifts from AIRREAL to Hitomi in the conclusion of the incident. They are parallels of each other, not polar opposites. In that same line of thought, revenge and justice are not opposites, but two sides of the same coin, and the fact that they are actually the same person reinforces that there is justice in revenge and vice versa.

Costuming and Personality

Their costuming and styling reflects their differences. AIRREAL is typically dressed in black and other dark colours, while Hitomi tends to wear brighter colours like yellow. When Hitomi does wear dark colours, it indicates that AIRREAL's influence is very strong in that particular scene. The flashback sequence, where AIRREAL presumably first appears to Hitomi, is one, because AIRREAL manifests out of Hitomi's grief and need for revenge. Another important one is Episode 5-6, when Hitomi confronts the Kurikara cult. Their identities in Episode 5-6 become roughly indistinguishable from each other, showing that his want for personal revenge for the cover-up his mother's death (by Inukai, the cult leader) and the justice that he is serving for the client have become indistinguishable.

In reverse, AIRREAL also becomes more 'real', or in other words, human over time. He loses his coloured hair highlights by Episode 8. In relation, his personality also becomes warmer over time. In Episode 3, he is willing to let the little boy die for the sake of revenge. However, he later apologises to Tomoki for endangering him in Episode 7, one of the rare times that AIRREAL shows concern for the collateral damage of his vengeance.

Final Confrontation

In the final climax of the series in Episode 10, when Hitomi fights Yuusaku, the most pivotal moment comes when the dagger falls to the ground and Hitomi reaches for it, saying that he must avenge his mother's death. Goto and Ogishima are framed in the background but frozen and out of focus, which indicate that the events that unfold are not actually happening but are occurring in Hitomi's head. AIRREAL then appears, standing over Hitomi, and takes over the fight, easily knocking Yuusaku to the ground and intending to stab him (yes, for real!). He quotes a line from Hamlet: “My words fly up, my thoughts remain below.” In Hamlet, this line suggests that even as he prays (my words fly up), Claudius’s thoughts remain in hell and are ungodly (my thoughts remain below), hence, his prayers are insincere and he remains unrepentant for his sin of murdering his brother. AIRREAL referencing this quote shows that he will have no guilt in killing Yuusaku as he believes it to be justified in his revenge.

Recall Episode 3, when Yui was in almost the exact situation. Hitomi, having experienced not just the death of his mother, but also the "Dog", who was accidentally killed by Mina. Hitomi realises that killing Yuusaku to avenge his mother’s murder would only cause him pain, and this, coupled with Goto’s voice (like Yui’s father in Episode 3) “wakes” him up. The camera cuts to a medium shot of him dropping the knife as if in a daze, and Goto tackles him to the ground. This is followed by a low angle shot of AIRREAL, who falls backwards, and a montage of different AIRREAL moments from various episodes.

Disoriented, Hitomi looks around and calls for AIRREAL. Goto and later Mina try to explain to him that AIRREAL has never been “there”, but that he has been AIRREAL the whole time, causing him to break down. His first friend and truest supporter does not actually exist, but has been within himself the whole time

The case of AIRREAL’s identity

So, back to the question. Who is AIRREAL? Why did Hitomi create him? In the montage that follows this realisation, we see different scenes of AIRREAL from various episodes, but with AIRREAL missing, showing that Hitomi has been by himself this whole time. In the voice over, Rei, Hitomi’s (or Nao’s, because that was his name before his mother’s death) mother, talks about how Ariel in the Tempest vanishes at the end of the story. As she says that, we see a shot of AIRREAL (from Episode 2, judging by his attire, by the way) walking away into the distance and vanishing. In Tempest, Ariel is bound to serve Prospero and fulfils various tasks for him, and when all of them are done, he is released. In the same manner, AIRREAL was created by Hitomi for a specific purpose.

I believe that AIRREAL was created because Hitomi could no longer bear the burden of his grief and deep-rooted anger about his mother’s death. Knowing that she had been murdered, Hitomi was unable to move on from her death, but felt entirely helpless to fight against those who killed her and covered it up. It is in this greatest state of helplessness and grief that AIRREAL was born. AIRREAL was created to help to take this darkness from Hitomi, and therefore Hitomi projected his deep and dark desire for revenge onto him. 

We can see this from AIRREAL’s own words, as he states that he will become Hitomi’s power/strength – strength that he needs in order to overcome his own helplessness and also his enemies (those who killed and covered up his mother’s death). He states this twice, first in the intro flashback and in the final confrontation, where he reminds Hitomi that he does not have to take on the task of killing Yuusaku by himself – AIRREAL is there to be the darkness, so that Hitomi does not have to be. In this way, AIRREAL protects Hitomi from being lost in his quest for revenge by taking it on himself.

Also, the name “Shiroe Kimito”, which is the reported ‘real name’ of AIRREAL (not that he has a real name but it was a red herring by the producers), is an anagram of “Kishimoto Rei”, the name of Hitomi’s mother, showing how the image of AIRREAL that Hitomi created was based on the memory of his mother. It is his memory of her that drove Hitomi to create AIRREAL so that he might be able to avenge her. Actually, even “Hitomi”, the name that he chose for himself after being released from prison, is based on his mother, showing that his whole life had been completely altered when he lost his mother and that his whole identity is based on that incident.

AIRREAL vanishes after the final confrontation, having fulfilled the purpose of finding out the truth about his mother’s death and captured the one responsible for it. Hitomi is finally able to move on with Mina, and like Ariel in the Tempest, AIRREAL’s role is finished and he vanishes.

Or is he?

In the very final scene, he looks back, before he turns and walks away. But the camera then cuts to AIRREAL again, who, much like in his introduction flashback, moves the phone away to reveal his face.

AIRREAL’s work is still not finished. Not yet.

(and if it weren’t for [censored] we’d actually be able to know what it is but unfortunately the sequel stage was cancelled and we cannot have nice things.)

AIRREAL and Hitomi are two sides of the same coin. AIRREAL is yin to Hitomi’s yang. They are different, yes, and AIRREAL embodies darker aspects of vengeance, but one cannot exist without the other. It is this relationship between AIRREAL and Hitomi, and therefore the ideas of justice and revenge, that characterise the themes of Re:FOLLOWER as a whole.

Gachaplum

Written for 100ships Challenge on Dreamwidth

Prompt #77 Plum

Ship: Rocksaltshipping | Kureha/Spectre

Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS

Word Count: 2,143

Rating: G

Warnings: No Warnings Apply

Tags: Fluff, Self Indulgen, Inspired by a Tweet

   “Are you enjoying your drink?” Spectre asked conversationally.

   “Yep.” Kureha chirped around her straw.

   The drink in question was a tropical iced tea with strawberry bursties as the bottom. It was sharply sweet, right to the core of her teeth, and that’s exactly how Kureha liked it. However it, in combination with the empty tote bag Spectre was carting around, was a horrible omen to Kureha. Her boba tea had been the only non-necessary treat that Spectre had bought for either of them and clearly he meant for impulse purchases, otherwise he wouldn’t have brought a bag.

   But Kureha, with a little bit of dread and unuttered complaint, supposed that’s the kind of guy Spectre was. He was very mission oriented and put his organisation above himself. Today’s mission was grocery shopping, as mundane as that sounded but since Spectre and the others could be at sea for weeks on end, grocery shopping was huge and important. So, even though Spectre was empty handed right now, he had already spent big at the restaurant they had visited earlier and before that, at the luxury grocery shop they went to where they bought in bulk and would have it delivered to the docks for the Lieutenants to unpack.

   And Kureha had been lucky enough to tag along since this was a somewhat rare opportunity for her and Spectre to hang out in real life. But what was the point of hanging out if they weren’t doing anything special? Kureha agaonised, maybe it was her fault for assuming it would be a date. Then again, they also had a fancy lunch together so maybe it was a date. This was too confusing, Kureha scolded herself. Besides, it's not like she wasn’t enjoying herself. She really was and that was probably the main thing but she wanted Spectre to enjoy himself too.

   They had a delicious lunch at a Thai restaurant that had excellent decor and a wide range of food. They ordered a plate of their favourites each yet somehow ended up sharing their meals and soft drinks anyway. It had been wonderful, even if Kureha got a runny nose afterwards and that was a little bit embarrassing but Spectre didn’t bring it up, thankfully - except to rib her that even how she blew her nose was cute. Then, once they had had their lunch, it was time to get to business and Spectre had a very long shopping list.

   He took her to a grocery shop inside of a mall with a celebrity level atmosphere. It was stocked with items and brands that Kureha had never heard of because they were so, so, so expensive and yet, he handpicked what he needed from them without so much as a blink at the price tag. Though, he did assure her that he and the other Knights had already budgeted to a tee so there was nothing to worry about. He was in and out rather swiftly, hardly looking at all the things that Kureha was certainly dawdling out and once he was done, he had his things whisked off and taken to be shipped off within the hour by truck.

   With the shopping done, they had begun to exit the mall where Kureha had gotten thirsty and she had a keen eye for spotting cute and quirky shops that sold even cuter and quirkier drinks. Spectre had been more than happy to pay for her boba tea, even though she offered and it was very sweet of him but did make Kureha feel a little guilty since, again, that one drink had been the only splurge Spectre had allowed himself and it wasn’t even for him.

   Now they were just sort of wandering along, making light conversation whilst Kureha finished her drink. They were sort of on the look out for a tram line or bus that would put them on a route where Spectre could drop off Kureha close to home and then continue back to the mariner but it was difficult since their homes were such polar opposites to another. Though, given that Kureha wasn’t quite ready to end this not quite and maybe it actually was a date-date, it was something of a blessing in disguise so they got to take in the sights of this precinct.

   There were all sorts of pretty and intriguing buildings, the paths were lovely and well kempt without a nary crack or dip. The road was fairly busy with cars, taxis, and buses but it was the sidewalks which were busier with people coming to and fro. It was almost overwhelming with all the interesting things to see and do but even so, Kureha kept her eyes peeled for something - anything - that might just serve to prolong the inevitable and then she saw it: a bookshop.

   Out of nowhere, to Spectre at least, Kureha grabbed his arm and tugged on it. He pulled back and twisted round to scold Kureha, a scowl on his face but Kureha was already prepared with the best puppy dog eyes she could plead with.

   “I want to check out that bookshop, please.” she begged.

   Spectre’s scowl softed, “That sounds fine.”

   “Yay.” Kureha smiled.

   Kureha pointed out the bookshop that she had spotted and Spectre escorted her there. Although, once inside the pristinely white doors, they sort of split off. Not that Kureha minded, that was sort of her plan. Spectre was a bookworm, albeit an incredibly fussy one, so maybe he would find something in here to read and even buy for himself whilst Kureha was mostly killing time. Mainly by trying to covertly stalk Spectre from the manga section whilst he investigated the language arts section a few rows of books over.

   She held her breath, whilst trying her best not to get distracted by the latest volumes of a few series of manga that she had been keeping up with, as Spectre pulled out various books… only to all but immediately put them back once he was done looking at their backs. It was a little bit disappointing. Kureha sighed and her eyes downcast to a shiny new volume of her favourite manga but if Spectre refused to buy things for himself, so would she so she scuttled in closer to Spectre again across the floor of the bookshelf.

   “See anything interesting?” Kureha asked.

   “I’m considering learning French or Spanish as a hobby but I’m not sure which would best extend my current literacy skills so I think I’ll do more research before branching out from bilingualism to multilingualism.” Spectre replied.

   “Fair enough.” Kureha murmured.

   “Are you ready to go?” Spectre asked. “You seem equally empty handed as me.”

   “I saw a few things but nah.” Kureha shrugged.

   “Understandable,” Spectre said, “well, would you like to keep going on our way home?”

   Kureha fidgetted, “Yeah, that’s fine.” she murmured.

   Spectre made an odd expression but it was only the briefest flicker, Kureha was lucky to have caught it. Regardless, they did move on and left the book shop, unsuccessful on all fronts. Maybe their date had just run its course in the most uneventful way possible.

   As they walked, Spectre checked his phone and noticed that they should be getting close to a good spot where it would be easy for them to find public transport to suit both their needs. At least according to the maps app that he was looking at, anyway so he had his fingers crossed that it ought to be somewhat helpful even if it wasn’t entirely accurate or true to life. Kureha smiled and agreed. At least she would have part of a bus trip left to spend with Spectre before woosh. 

   Back to video calls and texts as their only form of contact. It was nice, Kureha didn’t mean to complain, she did genuinely enjoy getting photographs of how Spectre’s plants were going and sending him back the homework she was struggling with but quality time was nicer. At the very least, Kureha wanted a memento of what little quality time they did get and a receipt from a Thai restaurant hardly counted.

   Then, once more, in a complete stroke of luck, Kureha’s eye was caught by something that she saw. Not the building - it was just a generic convenience store - but by what adorned it: gachapon machines. Her face split into a huge grin and once more, Kureha grabbed Spectre’s arm and tugged on it.

   “Yes?” Spectre said through gritted teeth at Kureha’s prompt.

   “I want to use the lucky dip machines. Please, please, please: look, this one has plushies for that virtual pet game I like.” Kureha begged, clutching Spectre’s arm desperately, and her hazelly-green eyes were sparkling so how on Earth was Spectre meant to resist all of that?

   The answer, of course, was that he couldn’t. Though, he did give a long suffering sigh, he did let Kureha pull him aside as she used the gachapon machine that she saw outside the convenience store that they had been passing by.

   “Would you like me to give you some loose change?” Spectre asked as he stood next to it, trying to look like a mature adult whilst his girlfriend was very much happy to enjoy her childish side.

   “No, I’m right, I’ve got it covered.” Kureha said as she dug out her wallet from her handbag. She put in more than enough coins for herself and for Spectre, too. If he refused to treat himself then Kureha was going to force whatever thing she got from it.

   She turned the crank a handful of times and heard the plastic balls rattle inside deep within the machine. Kureha smiled as she waited for the internal mechaninations to stop and then she opened up the flap. She grinned as she held onto both lucky dips that she had bought.

   “Here you go, you can have this one.” Kureha said as she forced Spectre to take one of them.

   Spectre made an unamused expression as he let Kureha put an orange-coloured plastic ball in his hand, “And what am I meant to do with this?”

   “Open it and let’s see.” Kureha replied and she demonstrated, as though Spectre didn’t already know how to open a gachapon.

   She struggled, a little bit, but eventually got the two halves of her purple plastic ball to split open. She squealed in joy as she unveiled her mystery toy. It had a keyring so she threaded her finger through it and swirled the toy itself off her finger. The little plushie that she had won took the form of a felt, anthropomorphic plum with American style cartoon features adorned with a stitched on ribbon bow.

   “This is Plum and she’s my favourite of the virtual fruit pets.” Kureha said.

   Somewhere in the back of Spectre’s mind, that did ring a bell. Kureha might have sent screenshots to him of her virtual pet habit and an animated cartoon plum may have been one of them. So, his expression of bemusement faded and turned to surrender. He opened up his gachapon too but Kureha was way more excited than him regarding it.

   “I got…” Spectre idly commentated and was mildly surprised by his lucky dip. “I got Plum, too.”

   “Wow, what’re the odds?” Kureha laughed.

   Spectre’s eyes flicked to the poster plastered to the inside of the gachapon machine that displayed which possible toy was possible to win, “Well, it looks like there are seven characters and we got two, so it was likely a one in fourteen chance assuming all the characters are present in equal measure inside the machine.” he said.

   “I didn’t mean it literally.” Kureha laughed even harder.

   Spectre smiled a small smile and began to inspect his plush Plum. He thought it was kind of ugly, to be honest, but if Kureha liked it then he could perhaps entertain some fondness for it. The felt was a bit too coarse for his liking.

   “I’ll be sure to look after this.” Spectre murmured.

   Kureha blinked and her heart fluttered, “Really?” she exclaimed softly.

   “Of course,” Spectre said, “it's a precious gift from my precious Kureha. I will treasure it.” He put his own finger through the keyring at the top of the small toy’s head and then put his hand on Kureha’s shoulder, the toy bumping between them. Spectre leaned in and kissed Kureha’s forehead. “I promise to treasure it.” His words brushed over Kureha’s skin like a flower’s petal.

   Kureha’s face went bright red upon being kissed, “I’ll treasure mine too.” she eked out in a tiny voice.

   “That goes without saying, my silly darling.” Spectre replied and he pulled back. “Come on, we’ve had a long date already, don’t you think? Aren’t you ready to go home yet?”

   “I’m ready now.” Kureha said, smiling huge and holding onto her little toy.

Polar Opposites

Caesar Zeppeli x Joseph’s sister reader

Please enjoy.

Joseph Joestar. An absolute idiot with such a childish attitude towards anything and everything he either did or was asked to do. His levels of confidence amazed Caesar as to how the guy could encounter so many people yet no one has tried to kill him yet.

[Name] Joestar, on the other hand, was nothing like her brother. Whilst he was childish and foolish, she was mature and serious. Two sides of the same coin, sort of speak. Any job Lisa Lisa gave her, she accepted without question and completed to the best of her abilities. 

There were a handful of occasions where Lisa Lisa would have Joseph train with [Name], and each time he tried to persuade her to let him train with Caesar instead; of course, Lisa Lisa refused this and told him to train with his sister. At first, she and Caesar believed it was the case of he did not want to fight his sister and hurt her. 

They were so far off point with it. In fact, it was Joseph who always ended up on his backside with bruises, not [Name]. Joseph had once compared [Name] to a honeybadger due to her surprising strength in a fight and resilience despite her small build. Regardless of all this, Joseph loved her all the same and she did with him. 

***

With a huff of exhaustion, Caesar plopped down on the chair, enjoying the comfort the chair offered. Lisa Lisa was certainly pushing them during their training, but she had to if they wanted to learn more about Hamon and their control over it. 

Another set of footsteps caught the blonde’s attention to see [Name] also returning from training, taking a seat on the couch. Exhaustion radiated from her body even though she tried to maintain her composure. 

“How was training for you today, [Name]?” Caesar asked in hopes to spark a conversation with the [Hair colour] female, or at lease small talk. Most of the time, [Name] would give short answers, never really getting too involved in conversations but Caesar tried. 

“It was alright.” she answered, leaning her head back into the cushions and closing her [Eye colour] eyes. “What about you?” Caesar rubbed his sore shoulder at her question. 

“A little rough but necessary.” he answered, his emerald green eyes taking in [Name]’s form. Sometimes Caesar could not believe that she was related to Joseph, what with the two being complete opposites; he even considered the idea that she was adopted but the resemblance between the two siblings was clear. 

His shoulder throbbed a little, making his cringe slightly. [Name] noticed this and furrowed her brow with light concern. “Are you alright, Caesar?” he nodded, rubbing his shoulder to try and soothe it but failing.

“Si, my shoulder just hurts. It’s nothing serious though.” he spoke. However, she seemed unsatisfied by his answer. She rose from her seat and approached him, earning a confused look from the blonde. He remained silent to see what she was planning to do. 

Her hand rested on his shoulder blade, the palm of her hand kneading into his aching muscles, much to his surprise, Caesar found himself leaning into her touch as she worked. 

“JoJo used to get like this a lot, picking fights with people and getting hurt.” she spoke, her voice soft despite the seemingly indifferent tone it carried. “These were the things I had to learn. The idiot he is, someone had to look out for him when he was out and about.” Caesar listened to this. Her attitude may have been cold and closed off to others but, deep within her layers, a heart did beat. 

“It sounds like you grew up quickly, [Name].” Caesar commented. [Name] hummed quietly, still working at the ache in his shoulder.

She was aware of the cruelty of the world and how it shunned those it felt to away. Neither she nor Joseph knew their mother, Grandmother Erina had to fill that role the best she could; so [Name] took it upon herself to try and offer the love a mother should but alas, she couldn’t. She was the sister, not the mother, but she could mature. So that was what she did, she matured whilst Joseph remained childish. 

“Is this helping?” she asked him, Caesar hummed softly; emerald eyes closed as he leaned back, melting under her touch. It amazed him how she had such a soft, warm touch despite her attitude. 

His eyes peeked open ever so slightly just in time to catch the soft smile that tugged [Name]’s lips, a fond look in her [Eye colour] orbs. His chest warmed at that. 

“Don’t tell JoJo you saw me smile.” she whispered, a small chuckle slipped Caesar’s lips at that. 

hadestown 7/3/19

Here are my extremely extra, barely coherent, thoughts on seeing Hadestown live on a song by song basis! Nobody asked for this and it took forever but I’m nothing if not embarrassingly extra. 

Road to Hell: The way they walk onstage with zero fanfare is just amazing. Andre took like 30 seconds to start the song, he looked out at the audience and unbuttoned his coat and it was sooo funny. He owned this song as always, the energy was so high and the audience was having the best time! One detail I loved was when Hermes introduced Orpheus, Persephone looked so proud like “that’s m’boy.” Then he waved his hand super excitedly and it was the cutestt. 

Any Way the Wind Blows: First of all, Orpheus is watching Eurydice in awe during this whole song. When she says “anybody got a match?” he starts frantically rifling through his pockets for one before she gets one from Hermes. Eva portrays Eurydice’s scrappy, emotionally guarded nature so well during this song, you can really feel how rough her life has been and why she’d be hesitant to trust someone like Orpheus with her heart. When she first lights her candle, Clotho blows it out immediately and gets such a vicious joy from it. The next time Eurydice lights it, she cups her hands around it and glares at Clotho which was SO GOOD. 

Come Home With Me: This works way better live than in audios and is 10x better than the previews version. The audience cracks up after “cOmE hOmE wItH mE.” Also, before he goes over to her he’s trying to craft a paper flower for her (which she looks at like “wtf is this.”) It’s clear Eurydice isn’t really taking him seriously but is still intrigued, and she’s having a good time with him so why not humor him? Also Reeve’s movements as Orpheus are super fast and jerky which just makes the awkward humor even better.

Wedding Song: AHH SO FLIRTY AND FUN. You can tell they really challenge each other with their polar opposite worldviews. When Eurydice says “you wanna take me home?” she flashes her shoulder under her coat and poses dramatically which is the most Eva thing I’ve ever seen. The turning point comes hard when Orpheus sings his song and procures the rose, and Eurydice’s admiration and wonder are so real it hurts my heart. Also the way Orpheus perks up at “when we’re wed” kills me. Eva went up on “and the trees gonna lay the wedding table” which I like better than taking it down. 

Epic I: Amber looks absolutely radiant when she stands up and stares out in the middle of the song, that is all. But Reeve sounded lovely and the staging wasn’t what I expected, I always thought he was sitting during this number. 

Livin’ It Up On Top: The Biggest Bop To Ever Bop. Everyone is so excited to see Persephone and she is So Drunk. I’ve heard the kiss goodbye to Hades is often different show-to-show; at my show, she kissed him on the cheek and he didn’t really look up at all. Then when she was towards the stairs she looked back to see if he would be looking at her and he wasn’t so she looked pissed before descending. Amber’s energy and dancing are on fire during this number, it really just has to be seen. Before Eurydice was pushed into dancing by Persephone, she was chatting with John’s character and it was really cute. Also ORPHEUS’S TOAST!!! It’s such a sobering moment in the middle of the party and everyone can find some truth in it in their life. But right after, the music springs back to life SO LOUDLY and made me ridiculously happy. What a fun number.

All I’ve Ever Known: SOFT SOFT SOFT SOFT. Eurydice’s vulnerability throughout this song and Orpheus’s constant reassurement of how much he loves her,,, chef’s kiss especially considering how the plot develops after. When Orpheus begins his part, Eurydice is turned away from him and when he sings “who am I that I should get to hold you?” she does a tiny head shake like she’s not deserving of it :(( but then when he sings his next line she turns around and starts singing with him. The interlude is so beautifully choreographed and intimate (but #EurydiceTops) and the ending + the kiss just melt my heart. They continue kissing into the train whistle for WDH. OH ALSO!! Persephone is off to the side watching them for the whole song with a very bittersweetly romantic expression… she’s definitely thinking about when she and Hades were young and in love like that… 

Way Down Hadestown: Everyone’s reaction to this song starting is so fucking funny, Hermes and the Fates look so excited for the Drama™️, Persephone is pissed and needs a goddamn drink, and Orphydice just want everyone to go tf away so they can cuddle. (Seriously though Orpheus and Eurydice are so ridiculously cute in the background of this number) I’m obsessed with Amber’s bent over exorcism dance and her energy throughout the song, it’s such a last hurrah for Persephone above ground and she’s going to make the most of it damnit. Eurydice’s curiosity grows throughout the song and she starts drifting away from Orpheus until Hades’ entrance, and his entrance is SO COOL. As annoyed as Seph is to go back under, you can see a glimmer of excitement at seeing Hades again especially since she doesn’t realize how much he’s changed Hadestown. The ending of the song is so good and Eva’s belting kills me.

A Gathering Storm: Orpheus and Eurydice are staring up into the audience at the “storm” which adds a really cool ominous effect. What was even more ominous was all the ensemble finding different exits from the stage (I was mostly watching John who exited through Hades’ balcony door, but they all used a different one) and backing off the stage completely dead eyed. Definitely a nice visual symbol of them becoming the workers. Eva conveyed Eurydice’s fear and anxiety so well, especially with the Fates bringing back the “wind comes up” motif; the return of this motif, especially after Eurydice’s vulnerability during All I’ve Ever Known, is a great manifestation of Eurydice’s doubt in her decision and her security with Orpheus.

Epic II: Reeve’s voice Big Pretty. I love the staging of this Epic with Orpheus all alone on stage, it’s hard not to believe in the power of his song once the music picks up with “king of mortar.” I also really love how the workers come up as a visual representation of the evolution of Hadestown. + the transition to Chant makes me NUT.

Chant: Seph’s look of absolute disgust as she enters Hadestown is soo good and I LOVE the workers choreo. One thing that really surprised me was that while Amber brought a lot of anger to Persephone, there was also so much sadness? Especially when she was listening to Hades justifying his actions, it was like a devastated horror and despair rather than unflinching anger. (Also her mic went out a tiny bit during her lines but it’s barely noticeable listening back to it) Orpheus is so in his own world during his bits and we are ALL Hermes yelling at him to “look up!” The most iconique part of the song though is 100% “the gods have forgotten the song of their love” where everything stops and Persephone rips her hand away from Hades and then Orpheus goes right back in with the la la las. As for Eurydice’s verses, Eva’s vocals may not have been as strong as they could be but her acting killed me. You really got the sense that she wanted to believe in Orpheus, she wanted to believe that she could be optimistic like him but the world was dragging her down into her jaded ways. The Fates were so vindictive grabbing her bag/jacket and she was crying when she fell on the floor :((

Hey Little Songbird: My mom as soon as this song started: “Did he win a Tony?” I really didn’t get predatory vibes from this which I liked as a directorial choice, it was a lot more like Hades was just laying the offer out and not like he had underlying sexual motives. (That being said... the way he skulks around stage... Big Hot) My favorite dumb detail in this number though was definitely how after “they’ll take you down, they’ll pick you clean” the Fates lined up and gave Eurydice a little wave with the most sinister smiles on their faces.

When the Chips Are Down: This song starts with Hades walking offstage and leaving Eurydice alone (except for the Fates and Hermes as the narrator) to consider his offer, and she’s standing at the front of the stage in the same pose from the Tonys performance with the two coins in her hand. Eurydice seems extremely overwhelmed and emotionally tortured by the Fates; they taunt her by twirling her around and pretending to include her in their dances which distresses her a lot. But you can tell that they’re just confirming what she’s already thinking. And man are the Fates GLORIOUS. They’re so much fun and their harmonies are incredible. I still can’t believe Jewelle Blackman just exists with a voice like That... HOW.

Gone, I’m Gone: Eva sang this a lot differently than I’ve heard in usual audios? It was still excellent but I guess she was just trying some new things with it. (Not to harp about how much I love Eva but her acting is just so fluid and adaptable depending on what she’s feeling that performance, no two performances are the same with her for sure) She was so heartbroken but also very resolute :((

Wait for Me: STUNNING SHOWSTOPPING BEAUTIFUL PERFECT NEVER SEEN BEFORE NEVER THE SAME- Yeah this was good. Orpheus’ pure panic at seeing Eurydice gone and how he immediately throws himself into rescuing her THAT’S LOVE BITCH. When the workers start rotating on stage during “how to get to Hadestown” their lights are shining straight out into the audience and it makes you feel like you really are a part of the number. Not going to harp on the staging too much considering we’ve all seen the Tonys performance but the swinging lights took my breath away and when the stage opens up with his la la las and the lights of Hadestown shine so brightly and the workers are staring up in awe? (Hadestown absolutely deserved best set design don’t @ me) The best moment in the whole show. All the fuss about this number is so justified. It’s utterly incredible.

Why We Build the Wall: The staging of this is so simple yet so effective. The workers stand up ramrod straight and resume their dead eyed look as soon as Hades (and Persephone) enter the stage. This song hits so hard in 2019 and I’m so grateful it exists. Tbh though I COULD NOT take my eyes off of Amber the whole song, well at least until Eva ascended lol. Her barely masked horror and despair are so well conveyed yet she has to sing this song she couldn’t believe in less. After seeing it live, I much prefer the lack of a Eurydice solo- in this version, Eurydice doesn’t sing at all until the final line, rather just taking in the entirety of Hadestown wide-eyed and almost scared until she assimilates. It doesn’t really fit this characterization of Eurydice for her to have already internalized the mantra of the workers and I much prefer seeing Eva’s face journey up until she reluctantly sings the final line. By far my favorite part of this song (which I could honestly write an essay on) is the moment right after Hades calls Eurydice to his office; Eurydice and Persephone share the longest look that I couldn’t put my finger on for a while, but I think the best way to describe it is just utter powerlessness. Eurydice is powerless to refuse Hades and is scared of what might happen, but her looking at Persephone for help does nothing because she’s equally as powerless to stop her husband from fulfilling his power trip. It’s such a subtle moment between the two women at the mercy of a man and gahhh I could talk about it forever.

Our Lady of the Underground: I WOULD DIE FOR AMBER GRAY, I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE I SAW THIS SHIT LIVE. She’s one of the greatest performers of our lifetime and deserves every award ever. She enters the stage arm in arm with Hermes which is so cute but homegirl is SCHWASTED. She keeps on taking swigs from her flask and her dancing is just so ridiculous but works so well?? Her life is falling apart but she’s having the time of her life which is honestly relatable. One cool thing about this number when I saw it is that half the band was different so I got to hear some different names than usual when she introduced them. My soul fucking ascended on “you want stars?” and didn’t come down until the song ended. God bless Amber Gray.

Way Down Hadestown (Reprise): Ahh I was surprised by how much I dug the staging for this number, the way the Fates dance through and around the workers is so cool. Eurydice’s face changes throughout the song to reflect the sense of dread that keeps building up, and at the end she tries to run away and is blocked by the workers :((

Flowers: Eva actually cried through this whole song it’s fine I’m fine. She’s sitting down on her knees the whole time and just looks so small and sad my heart. I feel like Eva’s changed the way she sings this song from London a lot and she’s sacrificed a lot of vocal tricks and notes for a more helpless, lonely, devastated performance and it’s sooo good.

Come Home With Me (Reprise): THEY’RE SO HAPPY TO SEE EACH OTHER KILL ME. They literally do not let go of each other the whole time and you can see how much they each blame themselves for how things happened and how much they don’t want each other to blame themselves and it all just hurts a lot. But Eurydice’s face just falls and becomes fearful when she remembers Hades and realizes they can’t leave :(

Papers: Hades is LIVING for the drama in this song. The whole time, Eurydice is just trying to get Orpheus to go because she doesn’t want to break his heart anymore than she already has. Hades is still on his power trip for sure and relishes telling Persephone to stay out of it and telling Orpheus about his deal with Eurydice. Eurydice has to be physically ripped away from Orpheus for the fight scene and you can see how much her heart is breaking thinking about what Orpheus might think of her now. OKAY AND THE FIGHT SCENE, I’ve heard criticisms of it for being cheesy but I honestly think it’s really well choreographed and engaging. It’s not just the workers mindlessly beating up Orpheus as I previously thought, most of it is in retaliation to Orpheus trying to get back to Eurydice or make his way up to Hades (I guess to fight him which would be HILARIOUS) Persephone and Eurydice are both watching and the powerlessness of the female characters definitely comes back as a theme.

Nothing Changes: Harmonies!!! Acapella!! This is such a short song with such little staging that I don’t have much else to say than these women’s voices are incredible.

If It’s True: At the beginning of the song Eurydice reluctantly joins the workers and looks away from Orpheus as he sings the song, which clearly hurts Orpheus. He starts at such a low place but his process of inspiring the workers and exposing the truths of Hades’ façade is sooo well done and I love the response from the workers. This song is such a good turning point for Orpheus of realizing the world is shitty but also realizing there are more concrete ways to change the world and change people than just writing songs. Also this is a recurring theme in each song but AMBER’S FACE JOURNEY DURING THIS SONG. In this version of the show, Persephone actually knowing who Orpheus is adds a new urgency and purpose to her pity for him which I love (more on that in the next song.)

How Long?: Hi as everyone’s favorite How Long? Stan™️ I was SO THRILLED WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS PERFORMANCE. Amber and Patrick are just so fucking good at understanding what drives their characters it’s insane. The staging is basically just them on either side of the lift (which is under the stage at this point) with a literal chasm between them as fog pours on the stage. Patrick barked out some of his lines in the intro as if he was insecure and threatened by Orpheus and Persephone’s investment in Orpheus which was a new layer I hadn’t considered. I think older versions of this song have been more conceptual and less urgent; Persephone used to be arguing for the concept Orpheus represented (love, freedom, idealism) but now her argument is deeply personal after a whole show of watching Orpheus fall in love with Eurydice, toast her bringing summer back, and suffer in Hadestown. She really plays it as Persephone’s last stand and that if Hades doesn’t relent, he stands no chance of getting her back emotionally. And Hades is SO STUBBORN AND SMUG up until Persephone pulls the “just as long as I am your wife,” at which point he realizes just how endangered his marriage is. The final chorus is just so heartbreaking as they realize how irreconcilable they are but how desperately they love each other anyways.

Chant (Reprise): The shortest summary of this is Hades Has Feelings And Hides Them Under A Power Trip x20 ft. UNIONIZING. Hades really feels like he’s lost control over Persephone, the workers, and himself and has to flex on Orpheus by belittling him and Persephone as well as building his ego up. So yeah, not a great look but damn is it fun to watch. The workers rising up is so good, they’re doing their work when they suddenly start breaking off and questioning the status quo. Persephone is also seething the whole song and just extremely pissed off that Hades is reacting like this after she tried to talk some sense into him. But as for her verse (RIP in peace), as much as I love it, I didn’t miss it all that much seeing it live. I actually didn’t even th ink about it until a few hours after the show. I think the song is stronger with it, but now I guess I can see why they cut it? BUT BOY OH BOY WAS I NOT READY FOR THE MOMENT™️. The lights of Hadestown get so bright you can’t even look at them and “I conduct the electric city!” is so LOUD you feel it in your bones and then everything is dark. It’s such an indescribable moment live and is also Hades’ most arrogant moment in the show which is Fun considering he’s about to get emotionally rekt.

Epic III: NO SONG HIT ME HARDER THAN THIS SONG. Some details from the beginning I loved was Eurydice grabbing Orpheus’ hand and giving him A Look showing how much she believes in him and his song, and how nervous Orpheus was at first with the high stakes. But as soon as the la la las started I was TOAST. It was clearly the last thing Hades was expecting to hear and shook him to his core. Amber started crying as soon as they started, and her “let him finish Hades” was so soft and sad. Also Orpheus is looking at Eurydice during the whole “it was like you were holding the world when you held her” bit which is just as painful as it sounds. You can just see Hades’ whole world he’s built coming down around him as the music swells and he and Orpheus go up on the lift and THE NOTEEE. It’s as perfect live as it is in audios. Also the workers individually standing up and taking off their skullcaps is such a good touch. But seriously I could not take my eyes off Amber this whole song, she was crying almost as hard as I was tbh. When the song slows down and we get to “where is the treasure inside your chest?” Orpheus is clearly just reading Hades so hard, and Hades is just slowly walking over to Persephone without breaking eye contact. Hades’ la la la is so so so soft and barely a whisper, but Persephone just breaks down as he takes her hands. The moment is so tender and well acted I nearly died seeing it I swear. PLUS HE PULLS OUT THE FLOWER!!! CINEMATIC PARALLELS!!!

Lover’s Desire: I loveee the new instrumental for this and the use of the la la las. I always expected the dance to be extremely tender and reverential which it somewhat was but I was SO pleasantly surprised by how FUN it was. They had their emotional moment at the end of Epic III but this really just shows you what they were like when they were young, you just watch them and think about how much fun they must have had years ago. They’re smiling and teasing each other the whole time until they end with Persephone’s head in Hades’ shoulder and stay that way all through Promises.

Promises: This song is way more happy than it has any right to be considering it made me cry again. Eurydice is so in awe of how Orpheus brought the gods back together and they strip away every promise of finery and security and just relish in how much they love each other plainly. Also the workers are on the side the whole time, Afra and John are clinging to each other and so are Ahmad and Kimberly, but with Timothy hugging the both of them. Eurydice actually directs her line “I don’t know where this road will end, but I’ll walk it with you hand in hand” tot he workers and goes down the line grabbing their hands and singing to them individually. And the vows at the end!!!! That’s always been one of my favorite parts of the show and they delivered so well. Orpheus lays everything out on the table and gives Eurydice the choice of whether or not she wants to stay with him, and I love the fact that he does this after he literally came down to the underworld for her. He recognizes that he fucked up and she doesn’t owe him coming back with him, but she reassures him of how much she loves him right away. They can’t tear themselves away from each other when they ask Hades if they can go, and when he says “I don’t know” Persephone pulls away with the most betrayed look on her face :(

Word to the Wise: I have nothing to say except the Fates are perfect and have never let me down.

His Kiss, The Riot: Patrick’s portrayal of Hades’ inner conflict in this song…. *chefs kiss* The way he stares at the flower as a symbol of Orpheus and love and redemption but can’t make himself surrender to it completely… The “all my children” verse really makes you feel like he thinks he’s helping the workers. Also I love the way he shouts “who makes WORK for idle hands.” It’s just such a good villain song, especially when the cacophony of instruments swell around him so eerily. He sings the final part of this song straight to Hermes, almost like he’s hoping he’ll give some input but Hermes is tragically confined to his position as the messenger. Also the way he looks straight at Persephone during “nothing makes a man so bold”….

Wait for Me (Reprise): The way Hermes delivers their instructions at the beginning is so resignedly sad like you can tell he knows what’s going to happen but is trying to give them hope :( They just want to make it out together so badly, but you can already tell Orpheus’ anxiety and doubt is kicking in. Not sure if this was intentional, but the staging of Orpheus and Eurydice at the front of the stage singing the wait for me melody and looking up at the audience reminded me of A Gathering Storm; instead of facing off against the literal storm, they’re preparing to face off the mental storm to come. The workers are so desperate for them to make it out, the “show the way” bit is so impassioned and breaks my heart. AND THEN HADES AND PERSEPHONEEE. They start on opposite ends of the stage and make their way to each other as they sing, and then come closer until they’re holding hands but then the turntable turns them apart. This scene just perfectly shows how much they’ve both grown throughout the show and how they know that their love isn’t perfect, but all they can do is try. The entire cast harmonizing on the wait for me melody at the end is SO transcendentally beautiful, and then Eva jumps in and belts for the GODS!! I love this number so much, especially how the workers and Persephone are so emotionally invested in their success but in the end Orpheus and Eurydice are just left alone.

Doubt Comes In: This song is BRILLIANTLY staged and I’m so glad Rachel Chavkin has her damn Tony. The whole stage is dark and filled with fog and you really feel how lonely and scary it must seem, especially with the sinister music and malicious singing from the Fates. Eurydice is in our view at the beginning and when she is singing, but other than that, Orpheus is literally walking this road alone. Reeve does such a great job conveying not only how anxious Orpheus is but exactly why he is anxious, and it’s SO hard to watch especially compared to how optimistic he was at the start of the show. As they reach the end, the walls begin to close back up and cover the lights of Hadestown, and then It Happens and my heart just DROPS. The light flash back on and illuminate everything so horribly- it takes so long for either of them to even form words as they realize what happened. When Eurydice drops she drops FAST and it’s so viscerally upsetting watching her go down as Orpheus runs to her. His face absolutely shatters :(( also my mom and her friend had no idea how it ended and they were so shocked and upset lmao.

Road to Hell (Reprise): Andre takes a really long time to just take everything in and let the audience react before he even starts with “aight.” He walks all the way over to the pit and looks down at where Eurydice was for a long time, and Orpheus is just sitting there shell shocked and gutted. The whole first half of this song is just so slow and purposeful, recycling the motifs from Road to Hell and then you finally get what they mean by “it’s a sad song, but we sing it anyways.” The catharsis I felt seeing Eurydice come out for “anybody got a match?” and Persephone rising up on the lift to symbolize spring coming back with a look on her face that I can only describe as tired but grateful was so strong. Andre carries this finale so beautifully and the swelling music and harmonies just make me CRY. The song ends with Orpheus coming out again in his apron with a smile on his face which is so lovely.

We Raise Our Cups: This song just grounds the whole show and gives Persephone (and Eurydice) the chance to reflect on the show’s themes of love and perseverance which I adoree. Amber’s voice is so lovely and this is such a perfect reciprocation of Livin it up on Top and just made me so happy :’)

Guardian

A/N: I wrote this last March on my old account, so I thought today would be the best time to reintroduce it, since it’s Freddie’s birthday. Enjoy my little personal anecdote. And yes, I have this exact candle.

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I was never one to believe in a god or any sort of higher power. I grew up Jewish, but it was more of a cultural identity in my family rather than a religious one. My husband and his family are Hindu, and they their religion is a very big part of their lives and shaped who they are as people. I always envied those who were gifted with faith— I had tried searching for a comfort in God for most of my childhood, but I was never lucky enough to find him or her, no matter how hard I tried to believe.

That being said, I have started to think of Freddie as sort of a guardian angel. I try to emulate him as a performer and live by what he would do whenever I feel lost or hopeless. This has helped me in a way that I never thought possible. I’m more confident, more in touch with my body, and reclaiming ownership of what I have to offer in this world. Every day I receive at least one little reminder that his spirit is with me. I feel almost viscerally connected to him, as though we are two sides of a coin. The Hindus believe that God is in everything and everyone, which has supported my idea that he is also in everything and everyone, and I notice the signs at the most random times.

Such is the case of this past Sunday, when I was in the regional finals of a national opera competition (I won at the state district level and moved on to that region of the US). The morning started off with doing my hair and makeup and warming up in the rundown motel room that I stayed in over the weekend. Before I left the room to buy a couple necessity items from Walmart, I tried to collect my thoughts and tried to mentally conjure Freddie, asking him to give me the strength, courage, and confidence that I needed. As I closed my eyes and briefly meditated, the TV, which I had left on to drown out the noise of my singing, started playing Queen’s “I Want It All.” Of course, it was for a commercial, but it felt like Freddie heard me and made a subtle way of showing that he was there. The same way that an angel would ring a bell or a song that was a favorite of a lost loved one would play on the radio. It’s a subtle coincidence, but my crazy imagination is convinced that he had something to do with it, being the cheeky trickster that he was during his time on Earth.

Not too long after that rather spooky but welcome moment, I find myself at the nearest Walmart purchasing some last-minute items like hairspray, protein bars, among other random items that I thought I needed. I’m running a little low on time to get to the recital hall where the competition was being held, so I increase my walking speed through the aisles, hurriedly grabbing things off the shelves while trying to remain calm and focused. In the midst of my inner chaos, I pass a teenage girl wandering through the same aisle as me, dawning a sweatshirt with the word “Queen,” accompanied by the band’s original emblem that Freddie used his graphic design skills for. I stop in my tracks in slight disbelief, partially feeling like this is just a coincidence and I shouldn’t think too much about it. I wanted to compliment the girl before me on her choice of clothing, but being too shy, I subtly smile at her, and she smiles back at me with an almost knowing look. The moment was less than a second long, but I shared a brief connection with someone who was probably also inspired by Freddie and the rest of the band, enough for her to buy their merchandise or receive it as a gift from someone who was aware of her enthusiasm. Before I know it, I’ve left the checkout line and am heading to the concert hall, where my fate for the next couple hours would no longer be in my hands.

Hours go by, and I am backstage of the concert hall, waiting in the wings to perform next. I pace around nervously, thinking about my fellow competitors and how they deserve to be there more than I do. I start to doubt myself and my talent, and wonder how I even got this far. My legs are shaking to the point where I might fall over at any moment. In the midst of all this nervousness and feeling lost, I remember to close my eyes, take a deep breath, and mentally recite my most recent mantra, Freddie, please be with me on that stage. Please give me your confidence, your strength, and your courage to perform well. I open my eyes and immediately sense a change: I feel a lot calmer. My legs have stopped shaking and I feel more grounded and connected to the earth. My posture has improved, and even though I’m not looking in a mirror, I can tell that there’s a certain glow on my face. And to top it all off, I feel a warmth on my left shoulder, as if someone were touching it. I placed my hand on that shoulder and that warmth spreads throughout my entire body. I instantly imagine Freddie telling me, “You can do it, darling. Show all of them that you deserve to be here and that you deserve to be listened to.” Before I know it, it’s time for me to get on the stage and I’ve never felt this ready in a very long time.

My performance goes by quickly, and it helps that there is an audience in addition to the judges. It makes it feel more like a concert than an audition. Without my nerves and low self-esteem that I normally have, I can finally enjoy the music and think about the text, and my acting feels natural and not forced. Most of all, my breathing is stable and I can get through each musical phrase clearly and without fear of losing air. I could give less of a shit about what others think of me at this moment. I’m finally at peace and I remember why I love doing this so much. At the very end of my performance, something compels me to strike a power pose at the highest note I sing with the loudest volume. It wasn’t inappropriate, I think it completely worked in the context of what I was singing, and I’m positive that Freddie was responsible for me doing that. I finally have finished singing and take a bow, then leave the stage in relief, content and satisfied with myself, something that is astonishingly rare.

At the end of the day, I didn’t end up winning any award or moving on to the next level. I couldn’t help but be slightly disappointed, but I’m glad I made it this far. Most of all, I did the best that I thought that I possibly could, and I started to believe in myself again. I’m not feeling unmotivated because I didn’t win anything. In fact, it’s the polar opposite. I am wanting to keep going and I’m hungry to learn and improve more. Before I mentally signed off from performance mode, I hear someone say something along the lines of, “It’s alright, darling. There’s always next time, and I know you’ll make them regret not choosing you. I’m so proud of you, my love.” and I silently thank Freddie for all that he has done for me.

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Emotion

I read a script the other day and it was flat. It hit all those famous plot points you hear about, but it was dull. It had nothing of interest, and I wondered why. The more I thought about it the more I realized that it was void of any authentic feeling, and it only had plot. I unconsciously rejected it based on that - being that I am an emotional animal that has experienced a broad range of emotions - and not just sunshine and farts.

This lead me to a thought: no wonder why I keep returning to those films I love.

One of which is Ordinary People. Since I first watched it some years ago, looking back, I'm unsure of how I came about that... maybe it was Alvin Sargent (the screenwriter), who I admire a lot. Anyhow, I keep coming back to it. I watch it maybe 10-20 times a year along with all this other stuff you wouldn't like. I've read the script, though, who knows what draft it was or what level of production it was in, but it still held the core of the story and its moral.

It really is a fantastic film - and made in 1980 to boot - which puts it in this strange place where I'm not sure how it was made. At that time, the action-adventure blockbuster came storming in with Jaws and Star Wars, and a lot of films flew under the radar due to that. But this wasn't ignored and, ironically, probably couldn't be made today. Who knows, maybe it's because Robert Redford's sexy ass could do whatever he wanted then...

The performances, though in certain areas are lacking (mostly from z-list bit actors), don't keep the story from being solid. There isn't one hole in it. Its - and sorry for spoiling 40 years later - structure isn’t melodramatic. The plot isn't pulling the characters along like movies you're used to, the characters are pulling the plot - extremely important difference. You never know where you're going except for the moment, and yet as we go further down the rabbit hole we become more gripped with this family and don't even realize it. Film wise, this is difficult to make on any level. This is also besides the point I wanted to talk about, which is much greater than just structure and planning, or production values and cinematography... I really need to stop drifting.

(the infamous exploding car)

I want to talk about relatability (is that a word?) of emotion. Because I think that's why I keep coming back to it. First off, this type of film is something you're more inclined to see from outside of the US post '70s. It's a piece of Americana but, almost, almost a slice of life film. Something the French, Italian and Russians specialize in: the inner lives of people and how it effects life around them, ultimately resulting in natural conditions, or an ending that has no place else to go, because that's life. Its only alternative is to have a glimpse of hope. Ordinary People ends with that alternative, because this is fucking America.

(I've written about slice-of-life before: https://indie-struggle.tumblr.com/post/172373896232/so-whats-the-slice-of-life-genre-anyway - but since tumblr blocks this blog from being found outside of tumblr, you probably never saw it.)

This family is nothing like what my family was: they're well off, they're complete, they have things I couldn't fathom or even dream of in terms of benefits in life. This isn't a poor family with gritty living conditions making due and living pay-check to pay-check, which I would immediately identify. So, try to understand the bias here. This family is the polar opposite of all that. So, why in the hell can I relate with it so much? The answer, in the end, is the same damn reason I relate with Sean Nelson's character in Fresh.

Emotion.

The interactions that the family go through are relatable and realistic enough that they transcend any sort of status symbol, race or class. They're universal to those who've had the same emotions, even if it's just coping. You have a father who is simple and confused, but he’s caring and present. You have a son with PTSD, unwelcome in his own skin, his old haunts, at school, at home, and with authority. And then, you have the mother: a torn, stand-offish, determined battle axe, who at every turn is trying to unhear or trying to change the subject to keep herself in balance - the egoshell™. She, strangely enough, is the most unstable of the three. Not only to the characters, but to the audience. I have to be honest, I didn't get this until about my 5th viewing. I was so busy hating her, I didn't realize that she in fact is the one torn inside the most. She doesn't know what to do, and of course loses it all by trying to keep it all. Ultimately, the story is about a father though, trying to hold this family together, as shown through the son.

(moments before the great Uzi on the bus scene)

Now, the biggest complaint I've ever heard about this story is about the psychologist. I understand that. The reason is due to a perception of over compensation. At that time, and even today, it's seen as being detestable to see a shrink, or something to be looked down upon by some people - mostly cowards. So, the film paints it in a bright light, not a savior but a brighter light than most can accept. I, myself, who have been to many psychologists (you can tell), can say that the light isn't that bright. It's more of a case of: "Look, psychology is a story in itself, and we don't have 6 years to spend on the son getting help for this story. So, let's round out the edges." And that in turn creates quicker results and this idea of painting the shrink as a saint. But, his character is true to psychology - take my word for it - that's how they are. Granted, they're not all nice, but when you get a good one, they really hit the mark on what that’s like. And the film isn't about him anyhow, he's just the handle along the steps the son is climbing - something I felt Good Will Hunting borrowed heavily from.

So we have a traumatized, coping family. The reason they're traumatized really isn't important. Though it's shown with brevity, you soon start to realize that this family is being pulled apart by strings that were on a bad foundation beforehand (which, in my opinion, is the reason the story merely shows glimpses of the tragedy throughout - which was a good decision). It has zero sentimentality. There's no guy playing a harmonica in the corner while an old man runs off about the troubles of life. There's no music cue as two buddies realize their futility while sitting on a dock, boozing.

Everything is shown, it's right there, naked, bald, shivering, and with no place to go.

Every character's behavior is perfect for the story. They're realistic, they're believable. All their choices and actions are accurate to how people react to trauma. No two people act the same in reality, and how they do in the film is something you should focus on. Their behavior and actions are what reveals their emotions. The believability of the emotions they're having and the actions they take are what transfers the emotions to me. If you think in terms of action-reaction, it's accurate. And that’s a good thing to note. No doubt an external conflict has created a personal conflict story here, but it didn't need the external conflict to work. It didn’t need to be shown. Why? Because this cloud every character is in is the aftermath of it. It’s a rippling wave through each of them, and that’s what’s interesting, not the tragic event itself.

I'm rambling now... fuck. But what I want you to take away from this, besides that it will make you cry unless you have no goddamn soul, is that you don't need a hook. You don't need explosions. You don't need a good planet vs. bad aliens all the time, or a talking fucking animal... you don't need any of that, it isn't what matters. All you need is emotion out of something interesting and you've got something.

No matter the class, the race, or any social or political beliefs you hold close to your chest, emotion matters the most. And it has to be from some place genuine. It's what editors cut for. Emotions triumph, and this film is a good example of the proper writing and execution of them. Behavior and action are always a side effect of an emotion, whether they're holding on too tight, don't know what it even is, or know what it is and are trying hard not to lose it. Realistic emotions are paramount. They are what's relatable. In stories, it's what you have to tap into, it's what holds you, even more so than spectacle.

(killers photograph their victims prior to dragging them into the murder basement)

Now, if you've never lived and done things to experience a broad range of emotions, how are you going to hold someone's interest who has? You're not, and your story is going to be flat. It doesn't matter if you hit every plot device out there. Unless you're Chris Nolan and can get away with just plot and sentimentality, your script will drown. As Tom DiCillo once said: "If it ain't got heart, it ain't worth shit." I don't know if he coined that, I just remember him saying it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I heard my grandfather say that once thirty years ago, but you get the point. I hope.

If I had the chance to talk to that writer, I’d tell him to go live. Go get rejected by a woman, try to survive on nothing, get beat up, go get dirty and come back. Do something to get life experience. And if you can’t for some reason, at least read about those who have and try to fully understand it. And for the love of John-Boy, be interesting and make me feel something beside a bit of thrill or fright. It's tired. There are many more powerful colors of emotion out there besides pink and gamboge... so find ‘em.

Xena and Gabrielle: Character study thesis

This is a character study thesis for explaining and understanding how and why Xena and Gabrielle are, as I always like to call them, the human representation of ‘Yin-yang'. Putting forth a point of view that clearly identifies and exemplifies that they are one soul in two bodies throughout the whole show, and as you watch each episode in sequence, it becomes apparent that they swap over roles and become each other.

Section 1: What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ is about.

What is the show about to begin with and how does it change to represent stronger and more substantiated content, that inadvertently revolutionizes the show passed its initial premise and delivers excellently written character development?

I could just say it's an action/drama/comedy show about a female ex-warlord who has turned good and now helps the innocent to seek redemption for the evil things she's done in her past, but that's honestly not the truth… at least… not the whole truth. That's just how it starts off. The show becomes much more than was ever intended for its original plan, and it seems almost by accident that it happens. What it becomes is something else entirely. What ‘Xena: Warrior Princess' is about, throughout all its seasons, is an EPIC romance about soulmates who find each other at the most critical time. The entire show is dedicated to the growth of these characters both as individuals and as a couple. They bring out the best in each other. It is a slow burn romance of best friends evolving into lovers. Very slow. But you see their connection from the very beginning. The evolution of these characters, in their individual storylines, and the storylines they have together, will be the main factor in the postulated idea that they were one soul in two bodies that eventually passed into each other. As you watch them, episode to episode, you see for yourself the evidence of that.

What my intention is with this character study is to point out when and where Xena and Gabrielle show signs of their spiritual essences permeating into each other through how much they influence each other's mindset and personality. I don't want to state the case that they turn into each other because they make each other that way. More so that they become each other because they are already whole at the soul level, but that it takes a lot of life experience in the negatives and positives to bring that out at the human level. It takes meeting each other and travelling together to set in motion the events of the indications of their oneness. To prove to them that they are indeed a part of each other because they are two parts of one whole. That's what I will try to explain as best I can in this thesis to help you recognize this same perspective and understand as to why it's important to be aware of as you watch the show. So that you can see and appreciate for yourself that stronger and substantiated content that shows you that you're watching a story of the romance that is just as good, or in my opinion, BETTER than those classic love stories, such as ‘Romeo and Juliet' or ‘Guinevere and Lancelot.'

Section 2: In the right place at the right time.

How does meeting each other play a huge part in the changing of Xena and Gabrielle’s lives, and why was it exactly at that moment in exactly that way that they did meet when it could have been at any other time and in any other place?

Forget about Xena's introduction in ‘Hercules: The Legendary Journeys' because this is really where it all starts. Not only Xena's individual storyline in seeking her redemption for the sins of her past but also hers and Gabrielle's storyline of going from sheer strangers to the most loyal of partners. They meet each other in the most unusual of circumstances. While during a fight. Gabrielle, as well as most of her town, including her mother and sister, gets taken hostage by Draco's henchmen, Hector and his band of thugs. He has plans to take them to the ruthless warlord and sell them off to the highest bidder. Xena runs for the cover of the nearby bushes and watches as the young blonde bravely steps forward and demands from him to take her in exchange for letting the rest of the captured go. He raises his hand ready to whip her and that's when our lead protagonist steps in to stop the situation. This saves Gabrielle from a severe beating, that in her brittle form, she probably wouldn't have ever recovered from and eventually died.

Unbeknownst to the audience on a first watch, it is also the moment when Xena's about to commit suicide. So, we take in the information that Gabrielle saved Xena's life at the same time Xena saved hers. It's so subtle, that if you don't pay attention, you will miss this, and it will take you a couple of run-throughs watching the scene to notice it. There is evidence for this interpretation as it is revealed in Season 6, during the episode ‘Legacy', where Xena admits to Gabrielle that she changed her mind, or rather, took over it enough so that she didn't go through with it. This information changes the tone of the entire show, I would say, as it immediately brings you right into what it is that Xena and Gabrielle do best for one another. Change and save each other's lives. Constantly preventing these dark tendencies of suicidal or self-sacrificial instances to keep each other alive. Therefore, they meet then and there to do just that. Change and save each other's lives. The circumstances were foretold. It was destined that they should discover each other in and at that precise moment. For in that lifetime, if they had followed through with those events, they never would have discovered each other at all, as they would both be dead.

Section 3: The balance of ‘Yin and Yang’.

What is it that makes two completely opposite and contradictory forces interconnected and complementary, and how does this relate to Xena and Gabrielle and explain the intensity and seemingly intrinsic nature of their relationship so accurately?

I've been developing a theory for a while now about Xena and Gabrielle that's about how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally. I sometimes refer to Xena and Gabrielle as ‘Yin and Yang', as to me, they are the perfect human representation of duality. Basically, what I mean by that is that they are each other's balance. Their spiritual essences permeate into each other throughout the course of the show, and this is my theory that they become as one by the end of it. I wanted to present that as an overall thesis because there was so much within the episodes that showed this incredible spiritual connection between these two characters that you just don't pick up unless you are conscious of the perspective in the first place. 

Before we go into it, I first want to explain what I interpret ‘Yin and Yang' to mean. ‘Yin and Yang' are two polar oppositions. For example; the Dark principle and the Light principle. The principles are contradictory, but they complement each other in that one principle can provide what the other principle does not have. I use the analogy of a puzzle piece to explain this. A puzzle piece can only connect into another piece if that piece is the perfect opposite to it, otherwise, it can't fit and therefore won't connect. The pieces in a puzzle are designed in such a way so that they can fit into each other to create a bigger picture. It's just the same as a soulmate, but I prefer to use the term puzzle piece, as it makes far more sense to me. ‘Yin and Yang' are never separate as one needs the other to exist. Much like how you can't have space without solid or solid without space. It cannot be either solid or space as neither principle can exist without the other there. It needs its polarity to exist in the first place. Even if these principles appear to be separated, they are not, as neither is what it is without its significant other, or it cannot function properly without it. Understand what I mean by that? "Shadow and Light are two sides of the same coin, one cannot exist without the other", as Zelda so beautifully put it in ‘The Legend Of Zelda: Twilight Princess' game.

Let's get on to how Xena and Gabrielle are the perfect human representation of ‘Yin and Yang', and how they influenced each other in personality and changed each other emotionally because they are soulmates. Think about how opposite the pair is and how that might be beneficial to them in a relationship. Xena is very mind-orientated. She thinks three steps ahead of the game. Constantly thinking, planning and measuring. This gives her extreme advantage in battle, as she always knows what to do before she does it. To begin with, she has a lot of trouble with intimacy and emotion and is very stiff and stoic. So she isn't much of a talker, other than the few well-thought-out intimidating lines to her foes. But because of this, she's very good at listening to others and listening to her surroundings, which proves to be very useful to Gabrielle, who is very heart-orientated. Gabrielle feels, and she feels very deeply. This causes her to act before she thinks and that gets her into a lot of trouble in the early episodes of the show, which Xena just happens to have the ability and the quick strategic thinking to sort out. To begin with, Gabrielle is naïve and idealistic. But because of this, she is a fantastic storyteller and is very compassionate, therefore can offer emotional support and healing to those that need a bit of a pick me up at times, such as Xena. Do you see how their differences in strengths and weaknesses help to aid each other? One can give what the other lacks. They feed off each other. They fill the empty spaces in their lives as individuals by being together. They need each other to be all that they are and to evolve as people. Together, they are a complete whole. This is precisely what ‘Yin and Yang' stands for. It's balance. The scales are equal in the principles when together but unequal when apart. They balance each other out.

So, as I've stated above, this leads me to a theory that because Xena and Gabrielle can influence each other in personality and change each other emotionally like this, eventually they swap over roles. The principles correlate with each other so much that they end up passing into each other and by the end of the show, Xena and Gabrielle become each other.

Section 4: A dark heart is shadowed until the light shines in.

How do the consequences of a dark past have an extremely effective influence over the thoughts and feelings of the Warrior Princess, and why isn't a guilty conscience enough for her to stay on the road to redemption and walk it without promising to her compassionate companion that she would not return to her old ways?

The introduction of the character Callisto to the show adds a much heavier layer to what is already an overwhelming story of redemption, vengeance, love, forgiveness and balance, which are to me, the main themes in the show that are reiterated repeatedly as it progresses in writing, production and direction. Callisto becomes the main villain in the show, but she isn't your run-of-the-mill evil villain. Oh, no, no, no. I like to think of Callisto as more of an antagonist than a villain. She has an extremely complicated storyline of her own that inexplicably ties in with Xena's because Xena murdered her family, or so that's what she adamantly believes. It's hard to explain or understand just how much this character is an integral reason for Xena's reformation from being an evil warlord to a heroine for good, and how the consequences of her dark past have really screwed Callisto up and turned her into, for lack of a better word, a psychopath who is absolutely bent on destroying everything that makes Xena who she is. Starting with her reputation, and eventually escalating to the people she loves and cares about in all the world. This character is so crucial to ‘Xena: Warrior Princess', that there is never any way to stop her even when she dies. She's that dedicated to ruining Xena and Gabrielle's lives. Callisto doesn't just want to kill Xena. She wants to kill her soul because that is what Xena has done to her. It's hard to think of Callisto as any kind of villain because you develop such sympathy for her throughout all her appearances in the show. She's so messed up in the head that you just don't think of her as an evil person, just an extremely depressed and misunderstood one. What happens to her, in the end, is something that needed to happen, and I was unbelievably happy did. She did terrible things, but she needed the opportunity to be saved and forgiven as Xena did, and fortunately, the show's producers gave her the ending she deserved.

This leads me on to what happens when Callisto meets Xena face to face for the first time in the late Season 1 episode, titled ‘Callisto', and how Gabrielle plays a part in stopping Xena from crumbling down in guilt and regret and letting her go because of it once they captured her. Xena doesn't blame Callisto for how she ended up, knowing that it was her own fault she became that way in the first place. Even if she didn't mean for her family to be killed in the fire her own men started against her orders all those years ago in ‘Cirra', Callisto's hometown, she still felt solely responsible for the consequences that followed.

There is a very important scene, which I call ‘The Promise' scene, from this episode where Gabrielle asks Xena to promise her that if anything happened to her in their travels together, that she would not turn away from her path of atonement, and rampage like a raving blood-lusted lunatic the way Callisto was. You see for the first time Xena's vulnerability and struggle with sensitivity. She was finding it so difficult to cry in front of Gabrielle. She tries to send her off to bed before she could see the tears streaming down her face, but Gabrielle wasn't having it. She made sure she promised her, and that she was sincere with the words. She sees the tears and tries to brush them away from her face. Xena immediately turns away from her and tells her to go to bed, but she doesn't move. Gabrielle just sits there by her side sharing her pain and accepting her for who she is now, which I find extremely powerful and beautiful. Xena has probably never encountered acceptance like that in her life before, or she wasn't paying enough attention to see it. The fact that Gabrielle refuses to leave her must have thrown her off. She left herself unguarded for the very first time in her life in front of this young woman. As the flickering flames danced before them, illuminating their faces, we see the Warrior Princess' walls down for the very first time. The Bard had succeeded in bringing out her sensitive side, if only just for a moment. This would be the beginning of a transformation so intense, it would completely change Xena's personality and mindset forevermore. Love and forgiveness would be her saving grace, and the beautiful soul sat across from her would be the reason why it happened at all.

Flashing forward to Season 4… When Xena lost Gabrielle she focused on trying to see her again instead of going back to her old ways. In ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade', while searching for her, she realizes she had to put something right that she caused to happen in her history. Keeping her promise to Gabrielle, she tells her that she can't carry on in her search for her. Sticking to ‘The Greater Good', as that is what she would want her to do.

The final sections to this character study thesis are to tie up loose ends in the perspective and conclude the overall point that there was a lot of logic and reasoning to give the opinion that Xena and Gabrielle are the human representation of ‘Yin-yang', that served on the basis of proof that they passed into and became each other in the end, as one, and will forever be together in all the alternative realities, soul reincarnations, and any denominations of the afterlife they would experience because their love was just that strong.

Section 5: The three-way love triangle.

How does Gabrielle and Ares' interesting dynamic significantly impact Xena, and what is it that seems to make the Warrior Princess side with the Battling Bard and reject the God of War, despite having an unwillingness to do so, and no control over the situations she's put in?

To start off, we'll talk about what it is that Gabrielle and Ares have in common if anything. Obviously, it's Xena. They both have a thing for her, but it's more than that. They both also have an influence on her in different ways. It appears that Ares is Xena's Dark side and Gabrielle is Xena's Light side. This is what I really want to explain in-depth here to show the significant changes in Xena's personality and mindset in her daily life travelling with Gabrielle and not being guided by Ares anymore. So, we've established that Gabrielle is Xena's Light. Xena even refers to her as that in ‘Adventures In The Sin Trade', just as she was deciding on what to do between looking for her or helping the Amazon tribe pass over into eternity. She chooses to do the latter, as she knows it's what Gabrielle would want her to do, and she dedicates that specific good deed to her later in the second part of the story, exclaiming, "This one's for you, Gabrielle." So Gabrielle's influence on Xena was for her to dedicate her time, energy and life to ‘The Greater Good'. Helping others and being a heroine for the world.

In Season 5, in the episode ‘Succession', after Gabrielle's physical transformation into a sai-wielding warrior, Ares offers Gabrielle a chance to become his ‘Warrior Queen', even though he has absolutely no interest in her at all when it comes to who deserves the opportunity to carry on the God of Wars' mantle. He wouldn't give it to Mavican, and at that time, she was clearly the better fighter. So why was it that he was offering the position to Gabrielle of all people? Why is he giving her a chance to prove herself as a worthy candidate? Twice, in fact, he makes this odd proposition to her. Now, this isn't really brought up in the show, but I personally think it comes down to his tendency to use people as leverage to get to others. In this case, Xena. I personally feel he had no intention of giving Gabrielle the honour of what he would gladly give Xena if she were to take it. But he knew if there was one thing that would make her take it, Gabrielle would be it. Gabrielle was his sway over her resolve. This, I believe, was a plan he was concocting for a long time since he knew that Gabrielle was her weakness, and yet the only thing that stood against him when it came to manipulating Xena into being triggered into her warlord ways again. It wasn't her father or her mother or even her son. It was always Gabrielle. Gabrielle was the ticket to getting his way, and he used her in ‘Succession' and ‘Seeds Of Faith' as a ploy to force Xena to say "yes" to being his ‘Warrior Queen'.

Which then leads us on to the way Gabrielle thought about Ares. Her opinion of what his constant attempts to try winning Xena over from her would ultimately do to her. It would destroy her and everything she's worked for in seeking her redemption. According to Gabrielle, he would be her downfall to be a better person. A person that wasn't necessarily good or bad, but someone who would always choose the selfish route because she wouldn't be given the choice to do the opposite. THIS WAS IT! This was why Gabrielle always won the battle for Xena's love and affection. That choice of being good or evil. Gabrielle gave her a CHOICE, whereas Ares never did. Gabrielle did not try to manipulate, condition or control Xena. What she did was something far greater than that. She showed her that living for others would be more fulfilling than living for herself. She reminded her that although she could do anything she desired, the consequences were that she would never be truly happy, and innocents would suffer. Gabrielle had so much faith in Xena, that even when she did do something wrong, she trusted that Xena could find her own way out of it when it was showcased several times in the show that she could not without her help. Xena loved her immensely for this reason and despised Ares because he provided her with no other alternative. Before Gabrielle came into Xena's life, Xena thought Ares' ways were all there was for her, and she just couldn't live with herself anymore.

So now we come to the overall impact this Light and Dark dynamic had on Xena. The events in the episode, ‘Chakram', told Gabrielle that Xena couldn't be entirely on one side of the spectrum or the other. She needed both her Light and Dark to be the best warrior she could be and to do the most good she could. But she didn't need Ares because Gabrielle succeeded in doing what Ares never could. That was bringing her back into the Dark enough to balance her as a person. Enough to bring her sense-of-self back. You see, despite wanting Xena to be in complete opposition to that, Gabrielle was able to understand how much both sides were needed, and the importance of that duality. This means we've uncovered something amazing to do with Gabrielle's individual influence over Xena. That Gabrielle wasn't just her Light. She was also her way of staying balanced. She was the reason the real Xena, as we know her to be, existed, as the Light cannot exist without the Dark, as previously stated in Section 3 of this thesis. Gabrielle was her balance. Her reason for existing, at least, until the moment came when she had to sacrifice her life and her happiness to follow the ‘Way Of The Warrior' and be ultimately redeemed.

Section 6: No going back and no way forward.

How does being in an alternative reality affect the Battling Bard's personality and mindset once she encounters Xena within it, why does she behave so differently and aggressively in this reality, and what made her make such a drastic decision to destroy ‘The Universe' when we, as the audience, know how much she values the peace and well-being of human life?

Gabrielle, to begin with, is idealistic, empathetic, persuasive, philosophical, spiritual, kind, compassionate, naïve, enthusiastic; the labels that define one being heart-orientated. That changes as the show progresses. Gabrielle becomes quite a complex character that has a lot of layers to her as she's making her transition through the show. A lot of her personality becomes very nuanced. You'll have to look quite deeply into her character to pick up her personality later in the show, much like you do with Xena in the earlier episodes. Xena, to begin with, does not put her heart on her sleeve. She is so stoic that one can't have a solid grasp on her true personality because her heart is guarded, and she protects it by being strong-minded. By not talking or expressing herself in any audible way. She has issues with showing intimacy and emotion. That starts happening to Gabrielle too with all that happens to her in Season 3 and 4. She develops that stoic-ness, only she's a lot more able to handle it because she has a lot more emotional strength and is much more expressive than Xena is. She's able to express how she feels when she's upset easier than Xena can. She's able to be that emotional person without lashing out and going way over-the-top with it or holding it all in so that eventually it all explodes anyway.

The one time when this doesn't happen, and she does indeed go over-the-top and lash out emotionally, is in the Season 6 episode ‘When Fates Collide'. Not only does she, in her blind rage and desperation, disregard all consequences for humanity and reality as she knew it, and destroys the alternative Universe, but she also makes it very apparent that she blames ‘The Fates' for the mess of the loom, and the situation her and Xena were in, rather than Caesar. That is very uncharacteristic of her. That doesn't sound like the Gabrielle we know, that would always take in all information first before making such judgement, and that would always see the good in all before accusing them of any kind of wrongdoing. What happened? Where's our compassionate gal gone? Why is this how she acts in this episode? You could make the argument that she was living such a peaceful life in this alternative Universe that any kind of brush with danger and trauma would fire her up immediately, making her extremely angry and reckless, and make her do something she would possibly end up regretting. Selfishly and heartlessly putting all of humankind aside just to vent her emotions. That is a valid argument… However, I think it has more to do with the fact that Gabrielle, regardless of which Universe she's in, is one of these people that just can't be at peace with doing the same thing day in and day out, and not having any sort of surprise or shock or thrill. Not having a change in the schedule. After all, isn't that why she left her home to travel with Xena in the primary Universe? It’s because she was sick of the conservative, boring lifestyle and wanted an adventurous, exciting lifestyle where no two days were ever the same.

So, you see, it's not uncalled for that Gabrielle would react like this although it seems that way. There is sufficient reasoning behind it. But what strikes me most is how quickly she breaks the mould of the peaceful playwright, as she's known to be in this Universe, as soon as she comes into contact with Xena, who is known as the Empress Of Rome. Despite knowing her for a few candle marks at best, she is already so invested in her that she becomes this emotional and aggressive when Julius Caesar sentences Xena to death and wants to do something about the unfortunate condition she's in. We know it's because they're soulmates, but these characters don't know that. They aren't aware of everything to do with the former reality, so why is Gabrielle acting this way despite living a tranquil life? Something within her changed, and it was a quick change because in the former reality this was always her fate. That she'd never remain the Gabrielle that was innocent and sweet and calm when her karma comes to intertwine with Xena's so strongly. There was a fire in her. A rebellious attitude that was just waiting to be unleashed. This was meant to be, and somehow, she knew that. She knew that's the way it was supposed to be. So she didn't care. She chose to destroy 'The Universe' because living an entire lifetime without Xena just wasn't acceptable. Xena and Gabrielle were so much a part of each other, that it didn't matter how long or little they knew each other for in any lifetime. They were connected in every single one of them and would be for eternity. This much, made sense to Gabrielle, that nothing else was beyond or above it. She wanted to get back to the life where she never felt empty or lost or bored. She wanted Xena and she didn't care what she had to do or had to give up to get her.

It is my personal belief that Gabrielle behaved this way because it was inevitable that she would become just like Xena, as her original wish was to be just that. Xena would permeate into her personality so much that it would ultimately and completely change her emotionally. Even using such terms and phrases the likes Xena would use to get her way, such as "so be it!" For better or worse she was the other half of Xena's soul and although their personalities were so contradictory, they complemented each other so perfectly that they eventually passed into each other, so that even their personalities were the same. It really didn't matter what timeline, Universe, dimension, reincarnation or afterlife they were in… they still weren't balanced or whole without each other because they were one. They were one whole soul. 

Section 7: “You’re where I belong, I belong with you.”

How does travelling with Xena all those years make Gabrielle feel about her, and why does she choose to be with Xena's family over her own family, or even her Amazon tribe, when she finally would be laid to rest?

In the episode from Season 6, titled ‘The Abyss', Gabrielle gets wounded and is on the verge of dying from pneumonia. She confesses to Xena that her dying wish was to be buried with Xena's family; Cyrene and Lyceus. This confession threw Xena off-guard, as that is probably the most tragically romantic thing you could ever say to someone. Furthermore, she explains why she'd rather be buried with Xena's family than her own. She's basically saying, "I'm dying, but I still want to be with you. You are more important to me than anyone else in my life", and that's pretty freaking intense. I do not blame Xena for the tears rolling down her cheek. It's a beautiful statement, and yet so upsetting at the same time. She has taken Gabrielle away from her family, even if she didn't mean to, and she's chastising herself mentally for it, as we see a little later in the scene where she says she's lead her on a path she was never meant to walk. To Gabrielle, she couldn't be more wrong. Gabrielle has always considered Xena her "home". She's stated several times that with and to Xena is where she belongs. Xena is her path. So it's not surprising that she would have a wish like this. It's a testament to show how much Gabrielle is invested in Xena's life. From the very start when she met her and chose to travel with her on the road, to the very end, when she stated that Xena was her whole life and that she refused to lose her.

It’s sad, but beautiful and romantic at the same time. Tragic romance. It’s kind of like ‘Romeo and Juliet’, only she never took her own life at the reality of Xena being dead and staying that way. At least, I hope she didn’t, because that would be truly tragic. The overall point is that no matter what, Gabrielle would always choose Xena. It’s paramount to her to always be with Xena. Even in death. You don’t make a statement like the one she did in this episode unless you are 100%, unequivocally, unconditionally in love with the person.

This is a character study video showcasing how much Xena and Gabrielle need each other in their lives to stay on the right path for themselves. Xena seeking her redemption and being a fighter for ‘The Greater Good’. Gabrielle transitioning from a simple village girl into a warrior. This video looks into what it is they most desire in their hearts. To belong. They belong to and with each other. This is a collaboration between me and @warriorbard-always.

Conclusion: “In a flurry of snow, two breaths of wind unite and become as one, and then disappear into each other.”

How will Gabrielle deal with the shocking, unannounced death of her beloved, and will she respect her wish and love her enough to let her go so she can receive her ultimate redemption and an eternal rest?

After being told that Xena has to stay dead, Gabrielle goes through the motions of understanding as to why. She takes the information in and ponders it, but you can see the defiance on her face. The morally justified Bard makes a bold statement, exclaiming that she doesn't care about the 40,000 souls that would be eternally damned if Xena were brought back to life. She doesn't agree. She doesn't think it's right. She wrestles with her own code of conduct. The same code she asked Xena to stick to all those years ago in that longhouse in Tripolis when she was wounded by a poisoned arrow and had only hours to live. Back then it felt right to say ‘The Greater Good' was more important than her own life. But of course, it's not her own life she is losing now, is it? Gabrielle, once again, is stuck between a rock and a hard place. She must decide whether to accept the consequences of her beloved passing on into eternity or denying her an eternal rest, and her ultimate redemption. It may be the hardest choice she has ever made. The poetic verse in the title of the final section of this thesis perfectly describes exactly what happened to Xena and Gabrielle throughout the course of the entire show, which leads me to the conclusion of it. When Xena disappeared at the end of the final episode of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess', ‘A Friend In Need Part II', what happened was she transferred over the last of her spiritual essence into Gabrielle. Gabrielle had a lot of her spirit already within her, which is what allowed her to touch Xena physically when material objects like her chakram just went right through her. That didn't happen with Gabrielle because they shared a spiritual connection that was so intense, it proved to us that they are one soul in two bodies. One body of which no longer existed, but the spirit still lived on in Gabrielle, so that instead, they became one soul in one body. This meant that Gabrielle was now just as much of a capable warrior as Xena was and would be just fine on her own in carrying on the legacy of the Warrior Princess because she never really was on her own at all. Ever. Xena was always with her. She was just inside her, and therefore, had the ability to appear beside her in ethereal form, from the other side, even though she no longer had a physical body. This is just how Gabrielle remembered her in her heart. With such a graphic imagination as hers and hundreds of self-written stories describing her, she could create the exact form of the woman she fell in love with standing right beside her whenever she wanted and could still physically touch her and hold her.

At the apex of it all, Xena and Gabrielle weren't just perfectly balanced, they were also physically complete. This is the true nature of ‘Yin-yang'. My most personal headcanon for the show is the belief that when it did come time for Gabrielle to die, she chose to be cremated like Xena, so she could combine her ashes with Xena's. Knowing because they're soulmates, they're connected as one and will be together for eternity, in many lifetimes and beyond.

Summary: You can love someone so deeply and so intensely that you become one with them, and not only that, but you can also pass into them, so that you become them, and they become you. It's through this that you will come to the realization that you are one in the same. There was never any separation between you, and there never will be because there was never a beginning, nor will there be an end. You and them and your love can only be an end in itself, as you were always one soul in two bodies all along. This is how beautiful and powerful true love between soulmates is.

"The highest state of human love is the unity of one soul in two bodies." - Sri Aurobindo.

My character study video for Xena, detailing the challenges she went through both when she was evil and good, showing that she needed both to become the hero she does, and commit to ‘The Greater Good’.

Dear Xena,

You have been through so many challenges that took a toll on your heart and soul in your search for redemption. There were times when you let yourself slip back into your old ways out of anger and hatred, but with the help of your Light, you found the willpower to get yourself back on track again. You were finally able to reconcile with your Dark side, knowing that without it, you would not be the force you need to be for ‘The Greater Good'. You came to understand how important it was for you to stay balanced so that you would always have the skill, strength and determination to fight evil, and be the Warrior Princess we all know and love.

My character study video for Gabrielle that took 2 days to make. It is in dedication to my favourite character of all time, with the greatest written character development and evolution that I have ever seen in my entire life. It’s about time she was honoured as the true warrior and hero she is.

Dear Gabrielle,

In your immense journey in evolving into a warrior, you learned that the fighting, violence and pain was inevitable and unavoidable. Despite all you had to go through and all you've overcome, you've still managed to remain on the side of ‘The Greater Good', when so many things and unfair experiences that happened to you were completely the total opposite from anywhere even close to great or good. It got really Dark for you at times, yet you never lost your Light. You only ever realized that it was worth fighting for it. I respect and admire you for the huge amount of emotional strength you had to have in order to be able to stay sane. My incredible Battling Bard… I really hope I did you justice!

Natal Chart Method: From Aspects to the Sun

This is a method I developed for interpreting natal charts that I personally find works best for me. It also helps with the sun/moon sign struggle. This is also based on some parts of chart interpretation that I’ve found are the easiest for me. And this is only the method I have so far for now, as I’m relatively a beginner.

So, say you’re looking at a natal chart, and you begin by looking at the sun and moon, but you don’t know what to do with them. A lot of people struggle with these two, including myself. The main reason why this is, is often that the sun doesn’t describe people very well, and usually because it only represents a certain aspect of that whole chart. The outside, ego, what you try to be, or your pride. Then, there’s the moon which is internal or emotional. So.... what now? These are the very broad and basic signs, and sometimes one is less prevalent than the other, so for people like me, it’s hard to know what those two mean for that person. So, here’s what I do.

Ok, so first off, toss out everything you know about natal charts and the planet signs. Like I mentioned before, the sun and moon signs can represent many overlapping things, but the one solid constant I see is their dynamic. The sun is external/above and developed while the moon is internal/under and inherent. Many pairings can have his dynamic, and so, you need to inspect the aspects of the other planets first to flesh out the chart and give context to these two. These aspects will assign them their roles in the chart. 

Ok, now, start off by looking at one out of the three of the other planets; Venus, Mercury, or Mars (which I find easier than Jupiter and Saturn to start with), and determine the meaning of that planet. Then, interpret the meaning of it’s aspects with the surrounding planets. You can do this with as many planets or aspects first before moving on to the next thing, whether it be all f them or just one. This gets you into the mindset of aspects and the importance of the relationship between different planets, as well as fleshes out the whole environment or scene of the chart with the rest of the planets.

So, if you’re new to chart interpretation or aspects, you should just stick to three basic ones unless you get to the sun and moon and they call for any others; Conjunctions (within the same sign or length of one), semi-sextiles (within different signs or apart by the length of one), and opposites (complete other sides of the chart). Now, the way I see conjunctions is that the planets/signs have a strong effect on each other and fuel or power one another, which can be mutually beneficial, but can also intertwine too much, then over dilute each other, temper each other like an on and off cycle, or run off on their own derailed ways, if the conjunction’s affect goes on long and turns sour. Semi-sextiles also have a strong affect on each other, but affect each other negatively. It’s like an awkward dance where they don’t like each other but always revolve around the other. Opposites represent polarity in a similar way to conjunctions. They show opposite things as possible complements or opponents. They act as a duality that can have tension or harmony, and needs to be balanced.

Now, after you’ve looked at the aspects and placements of the planets before them (which can be anywhere from Venus to all five traditional planets), you can look at the sun and moon. Here, you need to look at their relationship, which brings us back the “dynamic” idea and stresses the aspect of these two. For instance, the sun may reflect your conscious actions, pride, ego, comfort zone, efforts, etc. and the sign interactions show you which one. 

For example, if the sun and moon are opposite to each other, the signs will share a quality (cardinal, fixed, mutable) and elemental pairing (air to fire, water to earth). You see, sun and moon signs of the opposite aspect are quite opposite or contradictory, but not in the way you’d think. Many of them represent the same thing or coin but opposite ways of approaching it rather than opposite personalities. 

If a person’s sun is Pisces and moon is Virgo, their core characteristics strongly focus on constantly changing fluidity, but one part changes introspection/extroversion based on their self-focus (external, sun) while the other changes mood based on their care for others (internal, moon) deep down. Most often, this implies that sun Pisces is their comfort or coping system to focus on themself but moon Virgo is their hidden or repressed tendency to care about others. 

If you were to take Leo and Aquarius, they both contribute ideas and action that they’re very stubborn about, but while they both enjoy people and being helpful, one gets joy from absorbing the energy around them (Aquarius) while the other gets joy by expanding their own energy to those around them (Leo). Leo sun and Aquarius moon may have a lot of adamant self-esteem and pride, and a tendency of helping others but deep down needs affection even they don’t need self-esteem, being more of an ego-subconscious thing rather than their way of coping with things or their comfort zone.  

And this just goes to show that sign placement on the astrological wheel has nothing to do with similarity based on proximity (adjacent signs are vastly different and opposite signs are similar in personality), but rather, everything to do with aspects. Adjacent signs are so different because their planets are semi-sextile, which makes them work badly together,  and signs of the opposite side of the wheel aren’t opposite personalities, because an opposite represents colliding approaches rather than personalities.

You want something to over analyze? Why is it that both Patton and Logan, the two seemingly polar opposites, both wear the same glasses?

I’ve long thought they’re two sides of the same coin. They compliment each other as well as butt heads on things. Opposites but also not. Logan isn’t a feeling, Patton is feelings. But they both have types of reasoning to them. Both are important functions. Both play a part in deduction, whether they know it or not, and both want what is best for Thomas. They’re on two different ends of a rope struggling for dominance, keeping each other in check.

I feel the same way about Princey and Anxiety. Both are extra, both are dramatic in their own way, both have a particular aesthetic, both like Disney, and both are extremely dangerous in large doses. Part of one’s job is being self esteem and the other is insecurities. One is bravery, the other is cowardice and caution. One is light, the other is dark. One loves cult classics and dark movies, and the other likes bright colors and princess movies.

There’s the two pairs of opposites. Logic and Morality, and Creativity and Anxiety. They cancel each other out and are in certain ways the other’s anti-self. All of the other relationships with the sides compliment each other in some way, but with those two in particular they compliment each other by being in conflict and finding balance between their differing wants and needs. So the opposites are a lot like each other.

Even look at their logos.

Patton’s and Logan’s are obviously similar, but also different, while Virgil and Roman’s logos are both far more dramatic. Even the colors compliment each other. I think that’s why prinxiety and logicality were the two big ships at first. People love an opposites attract story. But even if they are opposites, they have more in common with each other than they do with the others. I think that’s why people were so drawn to the potential for these relationships in particular. Complete opposites and yet exactly the same.