#but there never was an easy explanation and that fucked with my brain so much
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OMGG I JUST GOT RESULTS WITHOUT BEATING MYSELF UP WITH ROUTINES 😭 + RANT ✨
HEYY LUVS! I JUST WANNA SHARE MY RESULTS I MANIFESTED WITHIN 2-3 DAYS! THIS YEAR'S GONNA BE MY BEST YEAR Y'ALL ✋AND GUESS WHAT I DID? NOTHING. LITERALLY NOTHING. NUH-UH. PERIODT.
⚠ LONG POST AHEAD, SWEARING ⚠
WHAT I MANIFESTED:
🪄 PASSING MY FRESHMAN YEAR WITH HIGH SCORES
🪄 MY FAMILY BOUGHT A NEW APARTMENT WHICH WERE PREPARING TO MOVE IN 3 WEEKS
🪄 ME GETTING INTO THE VOID STATE 😭 AND MANIFESTED CLEAR SKIN! (DAYUM GETTING INTO THE VOID IS DEFO VERY EASY OMGG)
🪄 GETTING LESS ANXIOUS LATELY!
🪄 MY GASTRITIS AND ULCERITIS GETTING CURED
🪄 GETTING MORE COMPLIMENTS IN MY UNI!
🪄 GETTING TALLER! I WENT FROM 5'3" TO 5'7" IN 2 DAYS 😭😭
🪄 GETTING DREAMS OF ME SHIFTING TO MY WR 🥺 (ACTUALLY RESPAWNING LOL, AS THIS THING IS REALLY CONTROVERSIAL IN HERE, PLEASE DON'T GET ME CANCELLED- I'M DOING DEATHLESS RESPAWNING ✋)
🪄 MY MIND IS SURPRISINGLY CALM 😌 THERE'S STILL INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS THO (THOSE ARE ANNOYING ASS BITCHES) BUT I JUST IGNORE EM LIKE I IGNORE PEOPLE AT SCHOOL 🗿
🪄 GOT MANY CONFESSIONS TOO 😭 AND I REJECTED EM ALL, CUS I JUST WANT TO BE SINGLE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE ✋🗿 JK
🪄 GETTING COOL CLOTHES THAT MY MOM DENIED A LOTTA TIMES! (ACTUALLY I'VE ORDERED EM BUT STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED TO MY ADDRESS YET LOL)
🪄 MY CRUSH BECOMING CLOSE TO ME HEHE 🤭 LIKE SHE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ME MUCH, BUT LATELY SHE'S BEEN TOO CLOSE TO ME AND ALWAYS WANNA BE WITH ME LOL, 3 DAYS BACK SHE AND I WALKED HOME TOGETHER, WHILE WE GRABBED SOME SNACKS, SPOKE ABT EACH OTHER AND ALL (I FELT LIKE BEING IN A SHOUJO MANGA 😩)
🪄 A NEW PHONE! THAT SAMSUNG GALAXY S22 😩
I MANIFESTED EVERYTHING WITHIN 3 DAYS 😭 I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES, JUST. 3. FUCKING. DAYS. GODDAMMIT.
HOW I DID IT:
JUST FULFILLED IT IN MY IMAGINATION
YEP, YOU HEARD THAT RIGHT. I LIVED IN THE 4D REALITY, I NEVER GAVE A SHIT ABOUT THE 3D AT ALL. OK LEMME BREAK IT DOWN FOR Y'ALL SO JUST PAY ATTENTION FROM HERE ONWARDS.
🪄 SUPPOSE SOMETHING UNDESIRABLE OR UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE HAPPENING IN YOUR 3D. WHO'S THE CAUSE FOR THAT? YOU. 'BUT I DIDN'T IMAGINE OR THINK OF THESE 😭' BABY, YOU'RE THE SOLE CAUSE, EFFECT, AND THE SOLUTION. THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION TO THIS.
🪄 AS WE ALL KNOW, 3D IS A MIRROR. RIGHT? WHATEVER YOU THINK ABOUT, YOUR ASSUMPTIONS, YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR PERSPECTIVE EVERYTHING WILL BE REFLECTED. SO WHY NOT THINK THE WAY YOU WANT SO YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE SAME? GET IT.
🪄 IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE THE 3D, CHANGE YOUR 4D FIRST. CHANGE YOUR PERSPECTIVE TO HOW YOUR DESIRED SELF WOULD SEE THE WORLD. KEEP DWELLING IN IT. IF THE 3D SHOWS UNFAVORABLE CIRCUMSTANCES, DON'T FUCKING GET TRIGGERED. GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION AND DENY YOUR SENSES.
🪄 EVERYTIME YOU SEE SOMETHING ELSE IN THE 3D, GO 'BRUHH THIS IS MY OLD STORY, I ALREADY HAVE WHAT I WANT, THIS IS JUST FAKE' AND MOVE ON. DISTRACT YOURSELF. CUS THE 3D WORLD WHICH YOU SEE IS AN ILLUSION, IT'S NOT REAL. IT'S YOUR CREATION, WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO CONTROL WHAT YOU CREATED? IT'S ALREADY IN CONTROL. YOU ONLY GOTTA REALISE YOUR GODSELF. YOU ARE THE CREATOR, NOT THE CREATION. STOP FUCKING VICTIMIZING YOURSELF.
🪄 I GET IT THAT MOST OF THE PEOPLE ARE CONFUSED BETWEEN LAW OF ASSUMPTION AND NON DUALISM. EVEN I WAS, BUT SLOWLY I REALISED THAT WE'RE ALL NOTHING. WE'RE JUST LIVING IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. VICTIMIZING OURSELVES IN OUR OWN CREATIONS. IRONIC RIGHT?
🪄 THOSE THOUGHTS, ANXIETY, FEELINGS, EMOTIONS ARE ALL IN YOUR PHYSICAL REALM. YOUR MIND, YOUR BODY, YOUR EGO EVERYTHING IS NO REAL, WE ASSUME IT TO BE. WE'RE ARE SHAPELESS, FORMLESS, WE'RE NOTHING! AND EVERYTHING AT THE SAME TIME. CUS EVERYTHING COMES DOWN TO ONE THING, I AM.
🪄 K Y'ALL MIGHT BE SUPER CONFUSED, WHAT I'M TRYNA INFUSE IN YOUR BRAINS. SO WHAT YOU DO IS, LIVE IN YOUR 4D.HOW? IMAGINATION. NO MATTER WHAT YOU SEE IN YOUR 3D, GO BACK TO YOUR IMAGINATION, AFFIRM OR VISUALISE. ANYTHING IS FINE BTW. JUST STAY IN THE STATE OF WISH FULFILLED.
🪄 STOP RELYING ON METHODS, FUCK THEM. JUST BE. DON'T TRY TO CHANGE SOMETHING WHEN YOU ALREADY HAVE THEM. JUST STOP, SURRENDER, STOP FIGHTING, STOP TRYING SO HARD WHEN YOUR ALREADY IT. SO GO LIVE IN YOUR IMAGINATION, FULLY SURRENDER. DO THINGS WHICH YOU LIKE. GO LIVE YOUR LIFE. TAKE YOUR POWER BACK.
LIKE AREN'T YOU TIRED? TRAPPED IN YOUR OWN CREATIONS? YOU CREATED THEM, YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE WHATEVER. TELL ME HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA LIVE THIS BULLSHIT LIFE? YOU'RE REALLY GETTING COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. SO LISTEN UP, DO WHAT YOU LOVE, AFFIRM, VISUALISE, OR DAYDREAM, ZONE OUT, WHATEVER. ALL I DID WAS DO THIS MEDITATION IN THE MORNING, WENT ABOUT MY DAY WATCHING JUJUTSU KAISEN LMAO. THEN RANDOMLY AFFIRM, LIVED IN MY 4D, NEVER PAYED ANY FUCKING ATTENTION TO MY 3D, CUS I'M GOD. I REALLY LOVE VISUALISING, SO I PUT ON A SONG AND START DAYDREAMING IN MY ROOM SMILING LIKE AN IDIOT. ALSO, I DID SATS BEFORE GOING TO BED. THAT'S IT. THAT'S ALL I DID FOR 3 FUCKING DAYS, AND GOT WHAT EVER I WANT. ALSO I MADE A CUSTOM TAPE TOO (IT'S A GENERAL SELF CONCEPT ONE) I LISTENED TO IT FOR 30 MINS AND JUST WENT ABOUT MY DAY THINKING I HAD WHATEVER I FUCKING DESIRE, CUS IT'S ALL MY CREATIONS AND I HAVE IT ALREADY. THERE'S NOTHING TO GET, IT'S ALREADY IN ME.
LUV YOU, BYE 💋
#non dualism#law of assumption#neville goddard#reality shifting#affirmdaily#dream life#frequency#loa success#manifestations#manifestyourreality#scripting#3roe#self concept#higher self#consciousness#Spotify
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I have no idea how this would fit into an storyline but I am a hoe for fake dating. Imagine fake dating with abby and it slowly becoming too real
UGH YOU GET ME FAKE DATING IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE TROPES!!
⋆˚✿˖° now, abby anderson had a problem. specifically a blonde, brown eyed loud mouthed man of a problem. owen fucking moore. she had broken up with him in the summer time, little explanation given to the ass of a boyfriend other than that she needed to “find herself.” (not that she needed to give any.)
⋆˚✿˖° but owen? oh owen didn’t accept that. so from the very moment abby had broken it off, to when the air began to smell like fall.. he pestered abby. asked for a reason, begged for another chance (despite HIM going around with damn near every girl on the WLF compound.)
⋆˚✿˖° things came to a head at a get together in one of abby and owen’s mutual friend’s apartment style quarters. mutual friend who also happened to be your roommate.
⋆˚✿˖° abby and owen fought all night, abby’s cheeks red from embarrassment and anger, eyebrows furrowed together. “why can’t you just take no for an answer owen?“ the cup in her hand crackled a bit under the pressure when the man scoffed. “because you never give me a real answer!” abby’s arms crossed at that, searching around the room. quickly, and maybe a little impulsively, she shrugged. “i’m into someone else now.”
⋆˚✿˖° owen just couldn’t accept that, his arms thrown around dramatically. “so you like another guy? that’s why you wont give me another chance? you know i can treat you better.” that sentence alone reminded abby just why she hated being with him so much, but again that fast moving brain of hers spoke before the thought could finish, finger pointing in the direction of the first person she found.. you. “it’s not a guy. it’s a girl. im not.. into your..” abby made a motion, “species anymore.” sure, it was sort of true. abby recently realized she probably had a thing for girls, but you particularly? she couldn’t count on her fingers the amount of conversations she had with. “i like her.”
⋆˚✿˖° you, who’s head poked up, mouth full of slightly stale chips, having heard the whole conversation. abby anderson, beautiful, funny, madeyouweakintheknees, abby anderson was into you? and not straight? surely not. you swallowed harshly, deciding to play into whatever game abby seemed to have set on the floor. you made your way over, an award winning smile on your face as owen’s mouth dropped open further than a damn infected. “You like her? as in girls?”
⋆˚✿˖° honestly, you probably caused more trouble when you stood near the two, “abs!” you grinned, “you forgot your jacket here.. cmere ill grab it for you.” and then your hand is wrapped around her tensed bicep, the stiffness likely caused by her pure shock you even played along. still, she used it as an out from the devil with blonde locks, shrugging almost apologetically at owen before letting you whisk her away.
⋆˚✿˖° and that night, after everyone but you and abby had stumbled out of the cramped room, which was still humid and heavy, you made the plan. with a pen that had little ink left, scratching against the water damaged pages of the notebook you tucked under your pillow, you wrote the words “project get rid of owen moore.” which ok, in retrospect sounded really bad. but you were a little tipsy.
⋆˚✿˖° the plan was easy. play the role of abby’s first girlfriend, convince owen she was totally not into him or men anymore. what did you get out of it? a spot on the top dog abby anderson’s patrol team. something you had been vying for this year. abby agreed, although a little hesitantly. she promised she had picked you only because its who her pointed finger found first. not any actual attraction. you swallowed down the hit to your ego that brought.
⋆˚✿˖° and honestly? the plan went on pretty steadily. you were a damn good fake girlfriend if you had to admit it, and abby didn’t hate being around you. in fact, she really enjoyed being around you. she enjoyed how easily your fingers reached down, tapping on her palm to fing a way to hold her hand whenever one of owen’s posey was around. she enjoyed how you leaned in whenever owen passed by, your lips on her ear, whispering anything you knew would have her smiling. a fake smile of course.
⋆˚✿˖° you two had some pretty strict rules. no kissing, no extreme touchiness, absolutely no spilling to anyone this was fake, and the most important.. no real feelings. you had come up with a backstory, one you two had studied together. (you two met in the training room after your roommate introduced you two and totally hit it off. abby got you a spot on her team next to her and manny, and feeling bloomed from there.) abby added in a few details she knew would piss owen off.. and you sealed your lips shut to follow the rules.
⋆˚✿˖° the first few weeks were easy. you liked spending time around abby. you enjoyed how she smiled, you laughed at all the jokes she cracked (for the fake dating points of course..), and you loved training with her. you had to ignore the shiver her hands on your shoulders or waist gave, knowing it was just to help your position. “you have to fix your stance if you plan on fighting scars..” abby huffed.
⋆˚✿˖° the problem started in october. a month and a half into your fake dating plan. tens of lunches spent alone together, a handful of new hair styles you begged to try on abby, and around 5 missions out of the base, in. there was a party, one you demanded the two of you go to one day as you lounged on abby’s bunk— watching as she cleaned up manny’s mess across the room. “if we dress up together, owen will totally finally get off your case,” you assured, bringing a loud sigh from the blonde. “oh my god.. fine.”
⋆˚✿˖° you went as a angel and devil, simple enough to easy stitch together some devil horns for yourself and an angel halo you found in an old broken down store in the city for abby. no way did you admit the trouble you went for to find it to abs, especially not as she easily pulled her shirt off in front of you, totally clueing you in to where the nickname came from as she shoved on the white teeshirt.
⋆˚✿˖° see, the no kissing rule was an important one, but vodka made everything seem less important, and owen was awfully loud that night, scoffing any time you smiled and leaned into your angel, head band tilting off your head, which abby fixed with a grin. “you two act more like friends than people fucking each other,” owen scoffed as he pressed by you two, the words pounding in abby’s ears over the loud mingling voices.
⋆˚✿˖° “kiss me,” abby called over the old cd that played on the speakers, her cheeks red with anger— blue eyes flicking around. “what?” you laughed, thinking back to rule number 1. “i know we said no— no kissing but i just.. oh my god just kiss me,” abby muttered, her large hands gripping your cheeks and pulling you in for a kiss, one she was sure owen was watching on to. one you melted into, sucking her lip in between yours.
⋆˚✿˖° that had been a breaking point, ragged breaths and heated necks as you pulled away. it lead to more excuses with less validity being used when the two of you stared at each other’s lips. stepping down the stairs of the base, eyes catching on someone who just looked like owen. “kiss me,” abby muttered quickly, and you wasted no time to turn your head and fill your nose with the scent of pine as you leaned in.
⋆˚✿˖° the no kissing rule crossed off right before the no touchiness one did, that one had been scribbled off completely when abby began pulling you into her lap in group functions, one soft hand rubbing up against your side as she whispered in your ear, “jus’ for show.”
⋆˚✿˖° just for show of course, but you screamed into your pillow for so long that night you almost thought the walls of your room would crumble down along with the barrier you put between you and the blonde.
⋆˚✿˖° kisses and touchiness turned to nights spent in abby’s room, mornings waking up and having abby’s shirt thrown at your face. “wear that, owen got it for me when we were dating.” sure, you probably should be ashamed to be wearing the clothes of a girl who didn’t like you, but the frown on owen’s face made it worth it.
⋆˚✿˖° that last rule, the one that didn’t have pen strokes over the letters, the one locked behind awkward coughs and side glances, well you weren’t sure who broke it first. you dont know why feelings came into play, but you sure do know it happened.
⋆˚✿˖° you felt it first when abby didn’t talk to you for a few days. you saw her across the stadium with nora, her head tilted back lightly in a laugh at something the other girl said. that was the first time you felt the needle sized ache in your heart, one that only ripped further when owen shoulder checked you on his way by, “better get your girl. she slips away easily.”
⋆˚✿˖° maybe that rule had been broken when abby stormed into your room, met with the sight of you on the couch with some other blonde girl, an old tape of a southern movie mid way through when anderson scoffed and demanded the girl get out. she did so in a hurry, scrambling for her sweatshirt as a frown grew on your lips. “abby what the fuck?” you scoff, watching her eyebrows unfurrow lightly. “you can’t have other girls over! it fucks with our plan,” she accused, though she stumbled lightly over the words. “she’s just a friend, abby.”
⋆˚✿˖° however, the night you sat in your bed, breath heavy and eyes stinging as you broke through the paper with the pen, scratching over the words “no real feelings,” that came in the end of november.
⋆˚✿˖° your head was pressed into abby’s shoulder, yawning and closing your eyes as the movie played on a big sheet, a biweekly occurrence in the WLF base. abby had pressed to your cheek, placing a kiss to it that had some sort of butterfly attack take fruition in your stomach. you two didn’t even know if owen or his friends were around, and they for sure were not the reason of abby’s hand linking into yours as you two walked toward her room later that night. you both seemed to realize that when you reached her door and she leaned forward just lightly, as if to kiss you.
⋆˚✿˖° she cleared her throat, licking over the lips you wanted to capture again. “i think-” she said suddenly, squeezing her eyes closed. “i think owen really believes it now.” you could feel your heart sinking to the empty stomach that laid below your chest, knowing what came next. “i think we should break up.” abby finished, quick to add, “fake break up.”
⋆˚✿˖° you nodded along silently to the story she built still standing in her doorway. miscommunication, arguments, differing plans, the whole shebang— anything to make the breakup believable. you agreed, but the moment her door shut, a half smile and thank you sitting on her lips as the door locked, you felt the tears prick your eyes.
⋆˚✿˖° you wiped quickly at the tears, your hand slapped over the aching chest you swore betrayed you. you sucked in shallow breaths, shaky hands finding your own door as your vision went blurry.
⋆˚✿˖° as your pen broke through the white sheet of paper, you cursed your own heart. you cursed it for being so easy to rip from your chest, presented on a platter for a blonde who only saw it as a fake replica. you threw the notebook across the floor, hand slapping over your mouth so your roommate wouldn’t wake as you sobbed into it. surely you had been the only one to break that rule, but that didn’t matter now.
⋆˚✿˖° but you were wrong. not that you could know that. a five minute walk away, abby breathed out slowly as her fingers scraped though the braid she was undoing, an odd stinging pricked at the corner of her lashes. she knew she did the right thing. she knew it as soon as her lips searched for your own at her doorway tonight. so why did it feel so bad? why did her hands tremble as she pulled out her blanket and climbed under it, squeezing her eyes shut.
⋆˚✿˖° if this was all fake, why did the break up feel so real?
#rins reqs ❀.#abby anderson#abby anderson x reader#abby anderson x you#abby anderson x y/n#abby anderson x fem reader#abby anderson x f!reader#abby anderson fic#abby anderson fanfic#abby anderson fluff
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OH MY GOD does it fucking piss me off that some piece of shit owns "nutritionfacts.org" and uses it to spread outright lies about health. Fucking asshole.
This video on youtube is over a decade old with countless views, and it directly implies that you can get a tapeworm infection in your brain from eating raw pork.
I've one on this rant several times before but I'll go on it again:
Tapeworms have a complex life cycle where every single stage behaves completely different, and is contracted in a completely different way.
The simplified version is that you will only get tapeworm larvae in your brain or other tissues if you ingest tapeworm eggs from fecal matter, such as in contaminated water, soil, or unwashed produce.
The stage that can be found in raw meat is what becomes the adult tapeworm, which is very easy to treat and not life threatening.
This video and many other fearmongering articles on "PORK tapeworms IN YOUR BRAIN!!!!" either does no research or deliberately leaves out the critical details in order to conflate all stages of tapeworm as the same exact thing and scare people into thinking they'll get it from a fucking hot dog. Naturally the comments on these are full of smug veganism of course. Don't tell them all the nastiest, deadliest food-borne illnesses pretty much come from lettuce.
If you want to understand why it works that way I'll put the longer technical life cycle explanation under a cut:
So a tapeworm begins as a microscopic egg. It's very sticky, and it can survive a long time "hibernating" in that egg, like a sea monkey! The only thing that will hatch the egg is exposure to stomach acid when it gets accidentally swallowed by something.
When this egg hatches, it becomes a specific type of larva that only exists to tunnel out of the stomach, keep tunneling through the tissues of the body, and eventually become a "cyst." This is another "hibernating" stage. It doesn't feed or grow. It just stays there hanging out in the meat, and unfortunately, sometimes hanging out in the brain tissue.
The goal of this cyst is to be eaten again, by a carnivore. When this cyst comes into contact with stomach acid again, it begins development into the adult tapeworm, the one that just chills in your digestive tract and absorbs your digested food. This can grow very large and it can cause metabolic problems but it is not very dangerous; some people have one for their whole adult life and never know it. It is extremely easy to treat.
The danger of the adult is that it produces the eggs, millions of them, which come out in the host's feces. As mentioned earlier, the only FOOD that might have these eggs on it is food potentially handled by someone who doesn't wash their hands, which unfortunately includes a lot of produce. Fecal contamination is very common in hand-picked vegetables, especially those that outsource to poorly treated, poorly paid labor (which is lots of them)
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things from the tsunami arc that altered my brain chemistry irrevocably and eternally:
buck's hand twisted in christopher's shirt pre-wave
you're gonna be okay, kid and the hand on buck's face
the way buck cups christopher's head when he's finally got him in his arms
and the way he clings to christopher as soon as they're up on the fire truck for the rest of the episodes, always keeping chris nestled against his side or tucked under his chin whenever he's not saving people
how he freezes when he hears christopher fall in and just Knows its chris
buck finding christopher's glasses
the fact that we see the moment buck cuts himself and he doesn't even react because he's too heartbroken to feel anything else besides the grief
do i even need to mention buck carrying himself through most of LA on willpower alone?
or the black tent?
or buck calling maddie and not even worrying about telling eddie, just worrying about christopher, until he sees him at the VA hospital?
or how eddie nods as buck stammers through his explanation like he believes that its not buck's fault even as his heart is breaking over losing his child?
or the way buck hands eddie christopher's glasses?
or he was looking for buck?
how about the way eddie presses his forehead to christopher's temple?
and the Look between buck and eddie? buck, disbelieving, relieved, just utterly and completely relieved because whatever happens next, even if he never gets to see his diaz boys again, at least christopher is alive. and eddie, disbelieving, relieved, entirely and wondrously in awe of the man that kept his son safe and alive despite a tsunami.
and buck collapsing because finally, finally his job is done. nothing else matters now.
not to mention!!! the After
wait for me to come home my beloved <3
buck's whole voiceover
the way chris walks into the loft and rests his head against buck's stomach, trusting him to wrap him in a hug, and the way buck hesitates like he's not sure he's allowed
eddie pushing in, eddie, the strong silent type, filling the silence that buck would usually to try to drown (poor choice of words, i admit) out whatever thoughts are going through buck's head as he tries to object to being left alone
eddie's instantaneous, easy switch from nonchalant teasing to serious reassuring
two men five centimetres apart because they are gay!
eddie's hand on buck's shoulder and the fucking thumb on his neck... kill me :D
eddie being honest and vulnerable about his parenting
i love him enough to never stop trying and i know you do too because of course eddie has just had more than enough evidence of that, and not just evidence but tsunami-proof evidence that buck would quite literally go to the ends of the earth for christopher, but this quote, buddie or not, links buck to christopher, to that co-parent role, indefinitely and irrefutably
eddie's little comment about buck losing weight (sir... why are you paying so much attention 🤨)
and FUCK, perhaps the worst of them all, eddie pausing in the doorway, one hand on the doorframe, eyes down as he says buck's name and that little moment of hesitation before he looks up and says thank you. for not giving up.
#sami rambles#i should never be allowed to rewatch the tsunami episodes#my personality changes each and every time#they have fucked me up so bad#and yet i will rewatch them once every few months until the day that i die because i like Pain and Emotional Distress#anyway i know ive probably missed stuff but these are My moments the ones that make me want to curl up into a ball and die#911 show#911 fox#evan buckley#buddie#buck x eddie#eddie diaz#tsunami arc#christopher diaz#buck and christopher#buckley diaz family#long post#can't believe the tsunami episodes made me grateful for ed sheeran
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Lucifer/Alastor Oneshot - A Tale of Two Dads
Requested?: No
Prompt: None
Type of oneshot: Fluff/Angst
Reader's Relations: Alastor’s ex-girlfriend
Warnings: Spoilers for eps 7-8 of season 1! This was written the say those two came out
Other notes: Don’t ask how I thought of this…Somehow, my brain fixated on these two, and well oneshots is what happens when my brain gets fixated on characters.
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“You absolute bastard, Alastor!” I shouted once he’d shown up at Charlie’s hotel, seven years after leaving, “You leave for seven years and all you have to say is ‘hi’?! Someone hold me back before I fuck his face up!”
“Hello, My Dear, it’s good to see you too.”
“Fuck you,” I retorted, making eye contact with him, in an easy feat due to the fact I was the same height as him. He just smirked at me, using his microphone to lift my chin, an unnecessary thing due to the fact I was already looking at him, “Now now, that’s not the right way to talk to me, is it, My Dear?” I didn’t respond, instead I just growled and tried to punch him continuously, him dodging every blow I attempted to make.
“You should know that’s not going to work, (Y/n).”
“Fuck. Off. Before. I. Kill. You. Myself. Bastard. I’ve had to deal with a child that you-”
“Mama? What’s going on?”
My head immediately shot around to see Alianna standing at the bottom of the stairs, the seven-year-old rubbing her eyes as if she’d just been woken up. I gave Alastor another glare before rushing over, “It’s okay, Sweetie. Nothing you need to worry about,” I spoke, ruffling her red hair.
“You always say that!”
“I say that because most of the time, you don’t need to worry ab-”
Alianna cut me off, asking the question I had wished she would never have to ask, “Is he my Papa?”
If I’d been drinking something, I would definitely have spat it out in shock, “Now now, Ali, that’s something you don’t need to worry about you. You can learn more about your father when you are older.”
She pouted for a few seconds before, “Okay, I’m older!”
I chuckled, “I meant in a few years, now back to bed with you.”
Alianna sighed and nodded, running off back upstairs towards our room in the hotel. I let out a sigh of relief and stood up, turning around, only to have Alastor directly in my face, “For fuck sake, stop doing that, you bastard,” I shouted, punching him in the arm.
“Why should I stop when I get-”
“Were you listening to our conversation?”
“It was kind of hard not to, (Y/n)... I think you owe some people an explanation, and I’d be happy to loosen up your strings a bit if you know what I mean,” I heard Angel’s voice saying before I saw one of his arms dangling in front of my face and, what I guessed was another, on my head.
I rolled my eyes, “How many times, Angel? I’m not interested in you. Stop trying,” I growled, shoving him off me, “But, I guess you’re right about the explanation. This Radio Demon Bastard here,” I paused and pointed over in Alastor’s direction, “Is Alianna’s father. She doesn’t know, so please keep it quiet. I’m begging you.”
“You can always beg more, (Y/n). If you catch me drift…”
“Angel, shut up for once. Not the time for your sexual fantasies.”
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“Alianna. No. Get back here right now!” I shouted, running up and pulling her off Lucifer gently, “I am so sorry, Sir. She got out of my sight. I apologise again.”
“It’s alright. She’s cute anyway. Much like her mother.”
I felt my face turn red as I looked away, but before I could say anything, Alastor was in front of me, glaring down at the Short King of Hell, “She’s mine. Get away.”
“Oh really?” Lucifer questioned, before walking around the Radio Demon and up to me, taking my hand in his, “Because there’s nothing on her hand to show she belongs to anyone,” he finished, bringing my hand up with his and kissing it, “But if she really is ‘yours’, she has had ample opportunity to stop my advances, and isn’t so…”
“I do not belong to anyone. You,” I turned and glared at Alastor, “May be Alianna’s father, but it doesn’t mean that I am ‘yours’. As a matter of fact, you lost all rights to even seeing her when you left, so you can just go away and leave me alone!” I shouted.
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A few days later, I found a(n) (F/c) rubber duck sitting on my bed, along with a note. “I wasn’t messing around when I said you were cute, I meant it. Call me? L.” there was a phone number at the bottom and I giggled. I knew it was probably wrong as he was Charlie’s dad, who was my best friend… But he’d made an impression on me. So I added the number to my phone under the nickname ‘Short King’, and sent a message, “I got your note. Thanks for the duck. How’d you know (F/c) is my favourite colour?”
--------------------------
I groaned in pain as I lay on the ruins of the hotel, after having come face to face with one of the angels, blood seeping from my side. It was just as I was losing consciousness, that I saw a flash of white in front of me, fighting off the angel.
LUCIFER’S POV
Once the angels had retreated, I turned back to (Y/n) to see her unconscious, with blood surrounding her. Immediately, I retracted my wings and knelt beside her, realising she’s been severely wounded, “(Y/n)? Please wake up. You have to. (Y/n), please. I- love you.”
“Dad?”
I looked up to see Charlie standing there, a saddened smile on her face, “You can’t bring her back.”
“Is there nothing?! No one can bring her back?” I asked, despair wreaking through my voice, as I felt tears cascading down my cheeks.
“I’ve got one idea… but it’s a long shot, so don’t get your hopes up,” Charlie replied, running off. She came back a few minutes later, dragging a girl behind her, who seemed to be complaining, “Charlie! I told you, I can heal, but I can’t combat the second death!”
“Just try. For me? Please?”
“I’m telling you, this isn’t going to work if she’s dead, Charlie!”
“Try though? Please, Brianna?”
“Fine, I’ll try, but no one get their hopes up,” the brunette replied as Charlie pulled her over. I noticed Brianna take a deep breath before kneeling on (Y/n)’s other side, cracking her knuckles, “I’ll say it again if she’s truly dead, then this isn’t going to work, but I’m going to need help,” she paused and turned her attention towards me, “May I ask for your help, Sir? This will only work if I have the help of someone she loves.”
“M-me? I-Isn’t there someone else that she loves? Like her daughter?”
The brown-haired demon just chuckled in response, “I mean it’s got to be romantic love, not platonic love.”
“Oh... Wait a minute, do you still want me to help? As much as I hate to say this, shouldn’t you be getting that Radio Demon to help? In the sense that he’s the father of her daughter, therefore she must love him.”
“As a matter of fact. I know she hates me. She lit-”
“Alastor’s right, Dad. You may not have realised, but that duck you gave her has pride of place in her room. Every day she makes a point of dusting it, and no one’s allowed near it. I’m surprised it’s not in a locked box that only she has access to. She wouldn’t have kept it if you didn’t mean anything to her. Plus you deserve to be happy as well,” Charlie spoke, placing a hand on my shoulder and kneeling beside me, “Trust me. You’re the one we need to bring (Y/n) back.”
“Well? Are you going to do this or not? We don’t have much time left.”
With a final boost of confidence from Charlie, I nodded, turning to Brianna, “Okay.”
She smiled, “Okay. In that case, I need you to place both your hands above where her heart is and keep your eyes closed. Can you do that?” I nodded, doing as she asked me, remembering to close my eyes.
YOUR POV
I woke up with a start, and I lifted my head in shock, but before I could say anything, I’d been wrapped in a hug, “(Y/n)!”
“O-oh.. hello, Mr Lucifer. I-It’s good to see you too,” I replied as he continued to squeeze the living Hell out of me, “C-can you let me go though? Personal space.”
“Sorry! I’m just glad you’re okay,” he started, letting me go as his face turned the same colour as his waistcoat, but before I could mention it, Charlie had spoken up, “See, Dad? Told you it was you that she loved.”
“CHARLIE!” I all but screamed, “HOW IN THE ACTUAL HELL DID YOU KNOW THAT?! You better start running. I don’t care if you’re the Princess of Hell, telling someone that your friend has a crush on them is not funny!” I continued, standing up and starting to chase after her, but before I could get too far I felt a gloved hand wrap around my wrist and pull me backwards, spinning me around, before I felt pressure on my lips. It took me a second to process, but once I did I wrapped my arms around the King of Hell’s neck and kissed him back.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, (Y/n).”
I grinned widely, “Still embarrassing that it took your daughter to get us together though.”
“I have something for you, (Y/n)...”
“Let me guess… is it another rubber duck?” I asked, my voice laden with sarcasm. Lucifer’s face turned red as he looked at me a shocked expression on his face before out of thin air, a small box appeared. Lucifer took it in his hands before handing it to me, “I-I’ve been working on them since I left you the first one… I hope you like them.” I smiled and took the lid off, my eyes widening with glee at the sight of the small family of ducks. Two adults, one a light yellow, the other a (H/c) colour with lashes painted around the eyes, with two baby ducks, one the same colour yellow as the adult, also with eyelashes, and the other a red colour. I giggled at the meaning behind the colours, the adult ducks supposed to represent me and Lucifer, and the two baby ones representing Charlie and Alianna, and hugged the blonde male in front of me, “I love them, thank you. I know exactly where these are going,” I spoke, pecking Lucifer on the cheek after leaning down to do so, whispering in his ear, “Short King.”
“I am not that short!”
“Hmmm. Compared to me, you are,” I smirked, “Now, who wants to rebuild this hotel?”
—------------------------------END OF ONESHOT
The ending was not how I imagined it, but at least it didn’t go over 2000 words… This was originally supposed to have more Alastor x Reader in too, but it didn’t fit with the plot I was going with.
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Part 1 | Part 2
[TW: internalized homophobia | compulsory heterosexuality | homophobic slurs | domestic abuse | child abuse]
Change doesn’t happen overnight. The day after his talk with Chrissy, he had woken up with a hangover and the instinct to pack his bags and run away.
He hadn’t.
He stayed home and slowly dealt with the consequences of what Chrissy had made him realize.
He would’ve never asked her to stay friends after everything but she did anyways. Eddie tried to rely on her the least possible.
Eddie wasn’t ready to talk about his issues when he reached out to Steve. He had just missed him too much and, sensing that figuring his shit out would’ve taken a long time, he didn’t want to wait as long to have Steve in his life again.
Eddie didn’t mention seeing him in the parking lot, his talk with Chrissy, or the million questions that bombarded his head daily. He had apologized sincerely, and that had been enough for Steve.
A few weeks after their fight, Eddie is hanging out with his group of friends again. His friends and Mark, the guy he had seen Steve with.
It’s awkward, to say the least, Robin needs the whole evening to warm up to him again, and by Mark’s snarky comments he’s pretty sure that the guy hates him. It’s okay since Eddie kinda hates him too.
«He's an asshole,» Jonathan tells him as soon as they have a moment alone, giving him a knowing look «but Steve likes him for some reason, so we're all enduring his presence.»
It’s not easy, being around Steve while he’s aware of his feelings, trying to overcome the idea of being disgusting and wrong, and digging into his past to find out that, like almost every issue in his life, the rotten root comes from his dad.
But time is kind to him, and after repeating to himself again and again that there’s nothing wrong with him, he starts to believe it. He relives his homophobic conversations with his father until he becomes numb to them. He watches Steve being with Mark until there’s no rage left, just sadness.
Everything fades away with time, except his feelings for Steve.
——
One day, Eddie is finally ready to come out to Steve.
It’s not planned. He had been fantasizing about that moment in the last months but never had the courage to do it. Then, as he was going home after work, he changed routes and ended up in front of Steve’s apartment building.
They’re smoking on Steve’s small balcony. It’s a cold night but Steve hates to have the smell inside.
Steve has sensed he is there to tell him something, so Eddie just cuts to the chase.
«I’m gay.»
«Oh- uhm, what? I mean that’s great! Uh- no like, cool! I’m totally cool with it, well obviously… but I’m also, confused? What about Chrissy? And you know, the other stuff that-»
«Don’t hurt your head too much, pretty boy» he says, smirking. He knows he shouldn’t call him that nor enjoy his blush when he has a boyfriend, but he can’t help it. Months of pining and repressed feelings really do some damage to your brain.
He tells him about everything (minus being in love with him, for obvious reasons): the talk with Chrissy, the realization that he had never liked any of the girls he had been with, the jealousy he had for Steve because he had seen him being so happy with something that Eddie subconsciously thought he could never have.
«And there’s my dad. You know, among the fucked up things he did, I didn’t think about this one as much as I have in the past months. I guess I was repelling it. But uh-» Eddie stops for a second. This wasn't part of the plan, he had decided to come out, give Steve the explanation he deserved months ago and just mention that his dad was an asshole. He had never told this to anyone either, not even Chrissy. The hand holding his cigarette starts to tremble.
One look at Steve is enough for him to calm down. He's staring back at him, he looks ready to change the subject if he can't talk, hold him if he falls, hug him if he cries. Eddie feels safe.
It's almost impossible, how much I love him, Eddie thinks for a second, before taking a big breath.
«One night he came home drunk and called for me. He was completely out of it, barely walking straight, but wanted to tell me about the two fairies he had found that night and beaten the shit out of. He was so proud of himself. I remember his knuckles were red and scraped and he had me locked under his arm as soon as I was close enough. He was telling me how disgusting those two fags were and how they deserved every single punch and kick. I couldn’t breathe. He was so strong and big compared to me, I was just a fucking kid. I guess I zoned out, maybe I was trying to get away- don't remember - and next thing I knew, he was pining me against the wall, his forearm on my neck. He kept asking me if I was a fag too but I could barely breathe, let alone answer his stupid fucking question. He asked again and again and again but I couldn't talk. I stayed there, barely breathing, until he was basically screaming in my face that if I ever turned out queer, he would’ve killed me.»
Only after he finishes talking he realizes how close Steve had gotten, completely pressed on his side, his arm rubbing Eddie's back, knowing how physical contact calms him down.
«His screams had woken up my uncle. He pushed my father off of me and took me away. I've been living with Wayne since then.»
Steve squeezes him as close as he can in a half-hug «Eddie I’m sorry, that piece of shit- you didn’t deserve any of it, I’m so sorry you had a shitty father like him.»
«Don’t be, please. Having a homophobic dad isn’t an excuse for being an ass. And this happened a long time ago, I shouldn’t let him have this much power over me. And yet I couldn't accept who I am because of him, or accept you.»
Steve is conflicted between getting mad at Eddie's father for everything he has put him through and hugging him impossibly tight until all his worries and bad memories are squeezed out of him. But he also knows Eddie well enough to know that, most of all, he feels bad about what happened between them. He wants to fix that first.
«I called Jonathan “queer” once, before we became friends» he admits, without looking at Eddie «I was an ass, I wanted to hurt him and I thought nothing could've been worse than calling him that. Knowing who I am now doesn't excuse how I acted but I've learned to accept it. A part of me will never forgive myself for it but I know I am better now.»
Eddie wants to protest and say that it's not the same thing, that what he did to Steve was worse since they've been best friends for a long time. But the idea of not being alone, of Steve having gone through a similar path, makes him feel a little better. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, wondering if he will ever be able to overcome the guilt and prevent the memory of his father from making him mess up his life even more.
They stay outside, Eddie still squeezed into Steve's embrace, enjoying the quiet between them.
Eddie feels uncomfortable only when he remembers that technically Steve is cuddling with him when he has a boyfriend, so he has to ask «so, how’s your boy? Honestly, I was afraid to crush one of your dates tonight.»
«I broke up with him.»
Eddie turns to look at him, finding Steve's face already in his direction, very close because of their position.
«Holy shit, really? Why?» Eddie tries not to smile but fails.
«He was kind of an ass. Constantly talking about college and he making me feel bad just because I’m not as smart as him. Guess you were wrong, nerds are not my type» he jokes.
«Oh for fuck's sake! You, not smart? he must be the dumbest idiot on this planet for thinking any less of you just because you didn't go to college. And did you hear him talk to Henderson? He could barely keep up with the kid, something you excel at. And as far as I know, that brat is smart as fuck.»
Steve smiles back at him «I know that he was talking bullshit but it's nice to hear that. Thank you.»
Maybe it's the way Steve's looking at him, maybe he doesn't want to waste the chance now that they're both single and in a better place, but Eddie dares to be hopeful.
«That asshole wasn’t a nerd, by the way. He was book-smart at best. You need an actual nerd, like Nancy, Robin or… me» Eddie's voice trembles by the end.
He watches Steve's reaction carefully.
«Oh, really?» Steve's trying to maintain some composure but there's something extremely fond in the way he's looking at Eddie. He dares to hope a little more.
«Yeah» his mouth goes dry, he coughs «a nerd who doesn't make you feel bad because you didn't go to college. Honestly, nerds who are into fantasy games are the coolest ones.»
Steve leans even closer to him «since I need someone who doesn't care about academic achievements, I should go for someone who has failed senior year, let's say... at least twice, don't you think? And the only fantasy game I tolerate is D&D, that is not negotiable. Do you think I'll be able to find someone who fits the job description?»
Their faces are only a few inches away from each other. They're both trying to keep their cool but Eddie feels so happy, so full of love for the man next to him that he can't help but chuckle a little, Steve joining him immediately after.
They kiss with a smile still on their lips, and they break the kiss because they can't stop smiling and giggling. After all the hardships they went through in the past months, they had no idea they could feel as happy and complete as they feel on that tiny balcony on a cold November night.
AN: aaand that's a wrap! I cannot thank you enough for reading and giving me feedback for this little thing. I went a little out of my comfort zone and I hope I did not disappoint anyone! Please let me know what you think.
Also sorry again for the emotional damage of thinking Eddie could've actually been straight LMAO
Also also, 1 like = 1 fuck you Mark | 1 reblog = 1 fuck you Eddie's dad
----
Tag list: @funnymagicman-named-dandy @manda-panda-monium @hobbitharrington @lightwoodbanethings @minjintea @ilive4irony417 @sapphirecobalt-1 @kerlypride @bornonthesavage @cr0w-culture @vampireinthesun @samcoxramblings
#i told you he wasn't straight#am i forgiven#it got better at the end#i told you!!#steddie#steve harrington#bi steve harrington#gay eddie munson#steve and eddie#eddie munson#stranger things#steve x eddie#platonic stobin#steddie ficlet#internalized homophobia#compulsory heterosexuality#sbc writes#ficlets
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Not ur DMs but oh man!! Do I have a character analysis to dump upon you. I’m not gonna do a ton of editing, but I do wish to share.
Oh bro, Q!Foolish is so cool as a character. Him and BBH are literally both insane in the exact same way, but with such different views on morality. It results in wildly different ideas of themselves and the world around them!
Foolish is selfish and he knows it, but he also loves his family dearly. He will do anything to protect the people he cares about even though that circle is pretty small. Anyone outside the circle is fair game tho. (BBH is an exception because he’s trusted, but Foolish and him love endangering each other for sport). By “fair game,” I mean Foolish will actively throw anyone under the bus just because he feels like it. Honestly doesn’t even have to be for any particular gain. He will absolutely do things just to see what happens. He acts like a morally grey immortal who doesn’t quite understand how normal people think anymore.
At the same time, a lot of his actions do have motives. A big part of his character is that Foolish just wants rare/unique items and will do nearly anything (including endanger others) to get them. He sees the island as a game to win, which makes it easy to not care about consequences for himself and others. He’s not malicious and he doesn’t seek to cause others pain, but will still do things knowing full well they could harm. He also fully accepts other people seeking retribution for his actions, because he’s got a “fair is fair” type mentality. He will simply deal with whatever consequences float his way for his actions.
Because Foolish is aware of his selfishness, he will never try and take a moral high ground. He doesn’t think he’s a morally just person, and he doesn’t care to be. He cares about chaos for the sake of fun, doing things to get him stuff, and protecting those he loves.
(Also, Foolish & Jaiden as people are both the embodiment of chaotic neutral. Everything they do together is fun as Jaiden enables the hell out of any idea Foolish has. Morality be damned, they just wanna be menaces for the sake of it.)
Also also, Foolish is actually smarter than he appears and presents himself. He’s actually a strategist at heart, but will only use it for his own personal gain and often under the table lol. He’s silly, but he uses that to play all fields and knows how to keep things secret. His behavior will often trick others into underestimating him, but unfortunately also leads to people fundamentally not understanding him or his motives.
Idk,, I stay spinning these Minecraft people in my brain like a microwave lol. I could probably give similar level analysis on a handful of my other main QSMP people, but yeah. Foolish is especially cool to me because people who have zero illusion about being morally fucked by normal standards are soooo interesting! It’s a very atypical way to aproach the world not giving a shit about morality while also being zero percent malicious. His /goal/ isn’t ever to hurt people for the sake of it, he’s just a means to an end kind of guy. He’s neat because about him and his explanation for his actions tends to embody a genuine sense of neutrality in the most insane way possible.
god this is so cool
I really want to watch more of Foolish’s vods to really get a grasp of him and I can’t really add onto this much at all but oh anon I appreciate so much. Thank you for this meal of a character analysis served on a silver platter
I think the type of morally grey Foolish is, is by the far the most fun to me. It’s that loyalty to these select few people and that loyalty will not change unless extreme circumstances causes it to. So so interesting. And also like. Him being friends with others but if given the popular he will screw them over? That’s hilarious. Good for him, doing things for the bit and for his own personal gain. I wouldn’t, probably, but selfish characters are soooooo… rotating around inside my head.
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Noisy little mess
Hi cutie!
I've, incredibly, keep on writing the same fic for one time in my life, so i'm posting the second part of the first part (obviously) of the whatever i've wrote.
I like writing. It's a little difficult switch from my italian kinda writing skill to the english language.
I feel less poetic in english. More...meh. Dunno.
Anyway, we do not have that much of a smut content in here, just...talking. A lot of talking. I like dialogues.
Sorry for every incorrect grammatical things, i hope i haven't made a complete mess.
DISCLAIMERS: not that much of a smut thing, anyway is GhostxReader, arguing, terrible nicknames, gym, blame shifting, not having breakfast, recalling of behaviours that shouldn't belong to a military base but oh well.
..................................................
First part is here:
https://www.tumblr.com/tassodelmiele/746173281244151808/noisy-little-mess?source=share
..................................................
Next day, you skip breakfast.
Your ass hurts like hell, you've got bruises on your neck and it seems like you've gone through a fight with the full cast of a Jason Statam's kinda film.
You rush through all the damn base like crazy, avoiding smiles and greetings, in search for that goddamn man who has to give you explanations.
'Cause that sort of thing doesn't happen between two who barely speak at breakfast.
'Cause you may find muscles attractive, but you've never told him you like him in particular.
'Cause he almost ravaged you, without even saying "goodnight".
And 'cause you've liked it. But that's not necessarily to be known.
You're about to go straight to the training camp (you've seen Soap nearby, and he's Ghost's shadow), when the wanted finds the detective: a door suddenly opens, and you bump into his goddamn big chest, almost drowning your nose in that rock solid-muscle softness pile.
Ghost looks at you like he's just stepped on a candy wrapper. You open your mouth, ready to yell:
«ok, now you're going to tell me, sir, what in the actual fu-»
Then, Price gets out of the office too. And your face blushes with the brightest red.
«…sorry»
«'s nothing. We've finished»
It seems like Ghost's trying to make you comfortable, and that just gets on your nerves. You look at the captain walking away, and before having the opportunity to speak again, the lieutenant has grabbed you by the shoulder and pushed you in his office.
You do your best not to trip over your feet, almost making a pirouette to face him as he closes the door. You open your mouth, prepare your lungs to yell like a fucking eagle…and he stops you, cupping your face with all of the grace he's capable of, looking at you through his goddamn scary skull mask and spells:
«I'm sorry»
And your brain goes blank.
You squeeze your eyes; you weren't ready for this. For a scold; for a joke, for him to make fun of you, for you to break his terrible per holder on his face…but not for this.
«…what?»
«I'm sorry. Fucking sorry, ok?»
«Yeah, yeah» you scroll his hands away from your face. «I'm sorry too for having my ass burnt and my fucking neck disassembled, that's not the point»
«I was just saying-»
«You were saying nothing»
«If you-»
«Sorry for what? For your kinks, or your lack of asking consent? Go on, i'm listen-»
And he ends up squeezing your face in his hand, glaring at you while you just stay still with your cheeks pressed together and your arms crossed, raising an eyebrow.
He sigh.
«You've caught me off guard»
You muffle, widening your eyes, about to try to say something but his grips tighten a little.
«Let me fucking finish! Bloody hell, you weren't so noisy yesterday! My god…look, 's not a great time to restrain instinct, ok? I'm not saying that you've…awakened something. You're not my type, anyway»
You start to move again in his grip, trying to punch him, but it's so easy for him to stop you.
«I just want to apologize 'cause i've acted by instinct, and is no good. And 'cause I've hurt you, of course»
He stares at you for five seconds before releasing his grip, and the first thing you say is:
«…not your type? Seriously?»
His eyes widen under the mask.
«You…is this really what you're interested in? Out of everything I've told you?»
«You haven't told me that much»
«What the hell-»
«And you're lucky i've liked it, otherwise i would have smash the whole set of weight on your face»
«Yeah, Yeah, sure, a gnome like you»
«I'm a gnome in berserk armor»
«Still a gnome»
«Fight me»
«I'm not wasting my time in a prison for your dead body»
«...weak»
«…don't you dare, rookie»
«Rookie a pair of nuts»
«Watch you fucking mouth»
«I can't do it, there's no mirror in here»
«…ok, maybe your murder is worth a life in prison»
«You're eating away your guts just 'cause i'm having the final say»
«No, but i'm going to eat your guts anytime soon»
«Try me! Fight that fucking gnome! Then, you're gonna make better apologies»
«My apologies were flawless»
«You said i'm not your type! After…after making a mess out of me!»
«I've said, if you would have listen, that I was lead by my goddamn instinct»
«Yeah, and since when instinct tells you to ravage alone girls in the gym?»
«Since when i've heard you-»
He suddenly stops. Your mouth is still open, ready to talk back, when he starts to push you by the shoulder in order to get you out of his office immediately.
«Time is finished» he says as he tries to get rid of your presence.
But you're not ok with him.
«Nonononono, don't you even-»
«I've told you everything i had to»
«Fuck your excuses! You didn't even make me come!»
That wasn't a challenge. But somehow Ghost's brain classified it as such.
And the same night, in the gym, different machines…you spot him looking at you.
And your panties get instantly wet.
«No» you suddenly say. He gets closer.
«"No" what?»
«No. I won't»
«What?»
«Don't tease, you know "what"»
He doesn't listen to you, and starts a whole different topic:
«Wanna know something fun, kitty?»
«Can you find another nickname, please?»
Ghost's eyes make a turn under the eyelids, as he repeats: «Wanna know something fun, gnome?»
You make a pout, and he goes on:
«you've been the only one with enough guts to yell at me since fucking forever»
«Well, you've been the only one to touch my panties since…fucking forever. We're fair»
«…you mean it?»
«What?»
«No boyfriend? No sex? Never?»
«Never. Don't make fun of me»
«Why should i?»
«Dunno. An almost thirty years old is suppose to have made something in her life»
«You're working. And living. That's enough»
You're about to grab a weight, but you leave it there, looking at Ghost through the mirror.
«…oh»
He raises an eyebrow.
«…oh? That's the most sensible thought you've got?»
«It's just…i've thought…well…»
«What? What was that little brain of your thinking?»
Your face blush like hell as he comes closer, every step of him is a skipped heartbeat for you.
«I-i've just…i've thought that someone like you may be more…demanding?»
«You don't know me» he towers you in all of his highs «little gnome. 'S dangerous making assumptions on your enemy without collecting intel, don't ya know?»
«You're not an enemy». You swallow, finding yourself hesitate. «…i believe»
«You don't seem so sure about it»
And then he gives you the most threatening, close up encounter with his mask, leaning on you like an eagle on a mouse.
«How come, little gnome?»
You swallow. Than you remember he's your fucking lieutenant, and you're in the base gym, and there shouldn't be nothing to worry about, really. And you feel like an idiot, blushing and lowering your eyes. You decide to use his weapons against him:
«…it's dangerous making assumptions on your allies without collecting intel»
And he stares at you, seeming happy with your answer.
«You do are a brat, don't you?»
«I'm the cutest rookie in the entire base»
«Someone's going to make ya eat that goddamn tongue of you»
«They're just jealous»
«'s not like that»
«…No? Than w-»
«You can't talk back to your superior. You'll end up getting in trouble»
You instantly blush, blowing your cheeks.
«I've never-»
«You're doing it right now»
You blush more, become as red as the goddamn Snow White's apple. Your mouth is finally shutted, and he seems proud of his work. You try to make a step back, gaining some distance between you and his massive body…but he follows you. He follows you and he gets closer, trapping you between him and the weights rack.
«I…don't think i like brats that much»
Ghost is not touching you, but somehow you shiver under his voice as he's drilling your ears.
«I like you more with your little mouth shut»
The last word is perfectly underlined by his voice; another shiver down your spine, and you try to fill the silence to not explode under his presence:
«I'm afraid i'm not that good at staying silent, sir»
And he grabs you by the cheeks, squeezing them in one hand without effort, leaning on you as his gaze catches your red face:
«You did a great job yesterday, kitty»
And you melt in your panties. You do it with a little bit of regret just 'cause you'd rather endure a little bit more. You're about to say something, even if you know that as soon as you open your mouth the only thing that'll come out is a moan, and…
He releases you, so suddenly you've to concentrate not to lose balance, stumbling on your feet. He grabs a weight, announcing dramatically:
«But i've seen you've got your mouth fucking open the 90% of the time. That's why you're not my type, little gnome»
«But…you've searched for me»
He stops, holding the weights silently; he's not looking at you, but you know he's waiting for you to keep on with the speech. You swallow again, your throat is almost dry now.
«I know you've heard me. That night. You've heard me…touching. And-»
«So what? You were loud»
«Not that much- anyway, you've come in the gym just for me, i know it»
«No way»
«None come to the gym that late»
«But you were there»
«I'd a busy day- but that's not the point! I wasn't even watching you!»
He hiss a: «liar» in the middle of a curl. You cross your arms.
«…ok. Ok, MAYBE i was, but just for one goddamn sec-»
«So you do like me»
«FOR GODDAMN-»
You shut your mouth, biting your lips before saying something that could cost you way worse than a scolding by your superior. Your feet stomp till the biggest weights you can lift, and you start your rdl sets, knowing you're gonna hurt your back.
But he's looking. He's looking through the mirrors (too many goddamn mirrors in this gym) and it hurts your pride how he's acting like he doesn't care that much. So you take a deep breath, and while resting after the first set you spit it out:
«So you've touched me just 'cause you've felt like discharging some frustration?»
His arms suddenly stop moving. He turns his gaze at you, watching you directly this time, as you keep on:
«'cause, you know, since i'm not your type i can't find other reasons why you should've come to do those things. My appearance doesn't turn you on, so you've just found the first random person to use»
You lift the weights again, ready to release your bomb:
«So childish. It's not that mature for someone in your position»
You have no time to get aware of him who's just thrown his weights on the floor, reached you in two big steps, and now he's taking your weights from your hands like they're light butterflies, also throwing them on the floor.
He's towering you again, fists clench and hazel eyes on you.
«…it's your fault»
Your eyes widen. You've expected something different.
«Uhm…what?»
«That's why my apologies were good enough for you. 'S just your fault»
«What the hell of a fault did i-»
«You did it on purpose. Those…those fucking sounds of yours, your bloody behave, everything. Goddamn. Everything»
«How?? How could-»
«I don't know, you bloody witch!»
«So learn to know yourself better!»
«Maybe you could behave like a normal human being!»
«I was!»
«Liar. Bloody liar, you've spent the most of the time jerking on every fucking chair you were touching»
«You're hallucinating»
«And you've walked with closed eyes if ya didn't even notice what the hell you were doing»
«I'm not some animal in heat!»
«You looked so!»
«You could've just asked me to stop instead of wetting your hands in my panties!»
«I-»
This is his time to bite his lips, choking words behind the mask. He stares at you, and you return the glare, arms crossed and ice cold eyes on him, pretending not to feel the wetness in your underwear.
He sighs.
«I could crush you with my bare hands»
You stay still, eyes wide open, hands buried in your sweatshirt, asking yourself why the hell does he seem so embarrassed out of nowhere. Ghost sighs again, louder, blowing hot air away as if he's trying to discharge his lungs from something heavy.
«It's been days you walk everywhere with those goddamn swallowed eyes of yours, adjusting your panties under the uniform, trembling at the tiniest touch…what the hell did you expect? To not be noticed? You, a little whimpering knot tied on itself?»
Your mind gets blind for a second.
You listen with your eyelid twitching. It is…unreal. He's not describing you, that's what you try to get in your brain, convincing yourself that you've not behaved as he's saying.
You start to mutter through your teeth: «…but…no, no way, i'm not that-»
«Shameless? Dunno, have you ever tried looking at your fucking face in a mirror?»
«I-»
«Look little one, if you don't believe me, just ask someone else. Everyone have noticed»
«But-»
«'s not that i'm scolding you 'cause of your hormones. I'm just explaining myself»
«You…you're not explaining shit!»
«I am»
And he leaves you like this, curled on yourself, insecure and embarrassed. He turn on his heels, sending you a few last words:
«Ask the others 'bout it. The answer will surprise you»
......................................
#fanfiction#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty#cod mw2#cod mw3#ghost x reader#ghost x you#sequel of a previous chapter#there is not that much of a smut content in here maybe you should check the previous chapter for more#cod fanfic#cod fic#task force 141#not accurate military men#i'm having too much fun writing dialogues please help#gnome is a better nickname#Is so funny writing hashtags on tumblr
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A bit random, but do you happen to have any personal particular feelings about railroads and trains, particularly in a magical sense? I am living in a train town now and wondering what to make of it like spiritually and energetically
For a while, I worked in an active rail yard. My answer prior to that employment would be drastically different than after.
At the time, I was trying not to be wooish at all. But now, looking back? Rail yards are wooish as fuck and are not only an ecosystem unto themselves, but have a personhood that I will fight anyone that claims otherwise.
I wasn't a conductor nor an engineer. Just a clerk. A "gopher". Go fer this, go fer that, take this crew, deliver these goods. But it meant I drove, walked, and sometimes crawled all over that yard. I knew where it was safe to drive and where that barely concealed well hole was. I always had a sense of which engines were moving and where were the safe spaces when the runaway car alarm sounded (spoiler: nowhere in the fucking yard, that's for sure).
When I had a new clerk shadowing me for training, after going over what the book said, I would tell them what I've learned the hard way. Which tracks were never safe to walk and why you never park your car under that particular tree in the parking lot no matter how much shade it gives. What kind of sounds you expect to hear at 2am in the rail yard and which sounds should not only have you moving quickly to a safe area but also calling the yardmaster because there might be a bigger problem than anticipated.
Certain trains had certain personalities. I'm sure the engines did for sure, but I didn't work in the roundhouse so I was never acquainted with any particular engine. But there were certain dedicated routes from one city to another, cross-country, and certain trains always had certain problems regardless of the crew or engine. My job involved getting the crew's paperwork for those trains so I saw certain patterns after a while. I'm sure each observation could be explained individually, and when I was working there, I accepted the mundane explanations at face value.
But as for the rail yard itself?
Haunted.
Embodied.
And because of the trauma that happened to even make the rail yard and the way it can and will devour the careless: Feral.
Looking back, I can see that the rail yard accepted me as part of the ecosystem within it. Moments that went better for me than expected and a certain sense of... presence... during those times when I was the only person within the literal mile. By the time I left that employment, it had given me gifts that I still keep with me. Especially now that I know what they mean.
But that's my story.
You have a different perspective.
I would advise you to treat the rail yard itself as a person. The tracks are its arteries and the yard crew are its blood cells. The roundhouse is its liver and stomach while the main tower is its brain.
Respect it. Don't go climbing past the fences and ducking under chains. Once you become accustomed to the sounds of an active rail yard, it is very easy for a train engine to bear down on you with little warning.
You likely won't get timetables of which trains are traveling through on which routes, but you can sit a safe distance away and just... listen. Feel. Trains don't want to sit in one spot, they want to move.
Commuter/passenger trains want to be looked at as they pass. Freight trains just want you to get out of the damn way. The feeder trains that carry stuff to and from the local industries tend to have more character to them.
When it's night, listen for the trains. Not just their horns, but the sound of their wheels on the tracks. When it's cold and damp, that sound will eerily carry over miles and miles. The trains will sing, sometimes to each other in greeting and sometimes to themselves. Sit long enough and you'll hear the difference between a train singing because it's required to sound off at a crossing, and a train singing because the acoustics are just right and not all howling comes from wolves.
If you decide to leave offerings, don't leave anything that would be a mess for a yard crew to clean up. The yard crew is an extension of the rail yard after all, and annoying them will set the yard itself against you.
Greet the trains when they cross the road in front of you. Listen to how they sound in the wake of their passing. The rail yard will teach you its language.
And if you go for a walk one day and happen to come across a railroad spike in an area no spike should be, that's not happenstance, that's a gift. If you take it, you're part of that rail yard's ecosystem now, even if your role is that of spectator and observer. Hold it and let the song of the rails rumble through you. It might lead you to something else.
Take care.
#Keri answers an ask.#Anonymous#Keri rambles a lot huh.#I drive by that rail yard almost every day.#It's like checking up on an old friend.#I hear the trains at night and it puts me to sleep.
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2 3 10 12 13 for the ask game!
2. A headcanon you weren't sure about at first but have come to like!
Ok this is hard to answer because I forget what's canon and what's intricately-woven-into-my-brain headcanon but I'll say the "Kariya was an Angel" theory! I never disliked it, but I never liked it more than the simpler explanation of "Oh he's just been around the block a couple of times, that's why he knows more than the average Reaper but still couldn't pick out Joshua as the Composer-that stuff's above his paygrade." Even now it's not "canon to me" level of headcanon, but I can see the appeal and really I appreciate anything that inspires people to look a littler closer at characters like Kariya or Uzuki. Also it's really good when played for comedy. His ass is showing up at the Angel convention, stealing as many appetizers as he can, and bouncing before anyone can point out that he got fired 30 years ago for skipping meetings to go play Tin Pin with random Wall Reapers.
3. A character that fandom has helped you appreciate
It's too easy to say Coco so Beat! It's embarrassing to admit but I kinda had a bone to pick with him when I was first getting into the series for sorta "replacing Sho" in neo. I didn't think he was as interesting (and to be fair he really isn't in neo until you take his relation to Rindo's arc into consideration; he works wonderfully as a back for Rindo to hide behind even if his own story was very much concluded by the end of the first game. Then there's also his dynamic with Neku, which is very very good, but he didn't need to be a player character for that. Anyways). Beat analysis posting made me actually pay attention to him while replaying the games and realize how much I'd missed skimming over him in W2 (the poor guy's really gotta try to compete with fan darling Joshua and Sho, aka the loudest fucking man alive, for screen time). His stint as a Reaper is incredibly fascinating. I forget who, but I always distinctly remember someone talking about Beat getting prepped to try and deaden his heart and become as brutal and merciless as a Reaper is supposed to be before ultimately choosing kindness in both his siding with Neku and sparing Kariya and Uzuki in W3 and man.....yeah. He's just such a good guy. He's easily in the top 10 favs now, if not the top 5
10. A blog (mutual or one you follow) that has made your fandom experience brighter
Well....yknow....
There are a LOT of others and I'm too shy to tag but goldensunset (incredible analysis) playtwewy (fav fics ever) sho-minamimoto (awesome art + sho headcanons) dj-of-the-coven (made me love beat) purplelea (also incredible analysis) bitternami (very kind and wow I read a fic of yours once and it blew me away...I will remember to find it and leave a comment soon) leonvilasi (always leaves fun and interesting comments in my notes) off the top of my head and a whole bunch of people who aren't as active in the twewy fandom anymore or whose art I love and the people I always see leaving funny tags in my notes you're all awesome <3
12. Compliment someone else in your fandom
AUGH HELL ON EARTH!!! dandelion2302 I absolutely adore the way you draw Sho your art is amazing.................
13. Your favorite type of fandom event (gift exchange, ship week, secret santa, prompt meme, etc)
Yknow I've never actually done any fandom events before twewy! I had a blast during the twewybang and while I probably won't participate again for a while (I'd rather finish the fic I wrote for the 23 one first) it was a wonderful first experience with this sort of thing :]
#asks#sorry for being a coward everyone#it will happen again#if you see this thank you for making my dash brighter :]#gotta go do coursework now but I will be back for more asks!#if I have to be genuine one more time I'm gonna throw up (/lh)
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Jey Uso X The Judgement Day!Polycule. | Found Family.
as you can tell, that segment really got my brain WORKING. because jey w tjd?? y'all know that's right up my mf alley!! ive only written jey x dom and like,, barely; but w.e!! eat ur fucking food <3
unedited cos yeah.
Joining The Judgement Day could've been the biggest mistake of Jey's life, it could've easily been the worst choice he's made. Turning heel again after such a short time being a baby face was by far the oddest part for the Samoan.
But, despite all the people telling him he was wrong for agreeing, despite all the ways it could've gone badly, Jey stood alongside them only weeks following Dominik's proposal. It was so far an amazing choice.
Of course it wasn't truly as easy as just agreeing, they wanted to set boundaries from the jump. Jey did too.
He needed to know he wasn't trapping himself, he couldn't handle another situation like that of The Bloodline. He voiced this.
In turn, they made it clear should Jey want out, he was free to do so, they weren't taking prisoners. They were family. They also made it clear that they'd always fight with him, and never against him, no matter what issues they may be having in the back.
For their unwavering protection and devotion, the faction demanded one thing. That one thing being Jey keeps the true nature of The Judgement Day's relationship to himself. It wasn't uncommon for co-workers to date, but it was uncommon for entire factions to find themselves together.
Jey agreed. He had no issues with what they got up to.
Unsurprisingly, bonding with Dominik was the easiest of the group, the younger man was much different than his on-screen persona. He was gentle, sweet, and incredibly tactile. On numerous occasions, Jey has woken up to find Dom wrapped around him, knocked out and drooling onto the spare hotel pillow.
The first time, Jey startled, jostling the sleeping male in the process, who merely pouted and shuffled closer. When Priest had returned to the room, Jey scrambled for an explanation, only to be met with a low laugh, and a quick, "Get used to it," before he was passing Jey a cup of still hot coffee.
After that, Jey found himself in that position at least twice a week while traveling with the faction.
Slowly, Jey got closer with the rest of the group, he and Finn found an easy rhythm training together, while he and Damian worked out strategy.
Rhea was harder to find an entry with, both tried countless times at conversation, and building a connection; but to little avail. It was starting to grate on Jey's nerves, but he knew it wasn't the woman's fault. It wasn't his either. Or maybe it was, he couldn't say for sure.
Still, it frustrated him to no end.
He and Rhea went on that way for nearly three months. Three fucking months. Until the first time he'd seen Jimmy outside of promotion. He hardly remembers locking eyes with his twin before the elder is pushing his way through the small crowd to try and talk to him.
Jey hasn't spoken to Jimmy seriously, since before he joined The Judgement Day. He doesn't want to talk to him, or anyone from his family for that matter, but Jimmy is determined.
"Aye, Uce! You don't answer the phone no more? What's up wit' you?"
Jey wants to tell him he got a new phone and number, wants to tell him he only kept the other phone for the day he felt ready to face his family again.
He says none of this, because his breathing is picking up, and his hands are starting to shake.
Jimmy doesn't quit, to the shock of no one.
"You join The Judgement Day and now you too good fo' yo' own twin? You know, bein' on RAW just temporary, baby bro. I'ma get you back."
Before Jey can shake his head, and force out a reply, he feels Rhea's hand slipping into his; offering him both a lifeline and relief.
"You think cornering Jey in a place where every member of his family is, was a bright idea?" Rhea's voice is firm, fierce in the way she only gets when one of her boy's is in potential danger.
Meaning she sees Jey as such. She sees him as family. He doesn't show it, but he is slightly surprised. But he knows he probably shouldn't be, he wouldn't have lasted as long as he did with the group if she hadn't.
Moreover, without looking, Jey knows exactly where Dominik, Finn and Damian are. He knows they're currently surrounding all exits should Jimmy try something. He feels comforted by the knowledge.
Jimmy sucks his teeth, his tone clipped as he speaks, "you ain't his family, Rhea. Don't start tripping. Y'all can pump that family bullshit on RAW and have the fans eat it up, but you don't know Jey. You don't know shit 'bout him. You don't know how to comfort him after a bad day, you don't know shit 'bout what my twin been through!"
In reply, all Rhea does is tilt her head and hum once.
"I know him well enough to know what he looks like when he's had a nightmare about the day you kicked him in the face. We know him well enough to know why Jey can't sleep with his back to the door anymore. We know what he looks like when he's feeling safe, and carefree."
Jimmy grows visibly upset at her words, a soft growl bubbling from his chest. The implications of what she said rang loud and clear.
All Jey can do is inch closer to the woman, his lips pursed as he gives her hand a gentle tug. A silent plea for something Jey isn't even sure of.
Still, she seems to understand if the way she smirks is anything to go off of, "You might not have a Mami, but Jey does. And Mami? She takes care of her boys, unlike your Tribal Chief. Remember that next time you think you can just step to Jey when he clearly wants nothing to do with you."
They don't give Jimmy the chance to respond before Rhea is ushering him away.
It should embarrass Jey that Rhea is younger than him, and had essentially taken on the role of protecting him, but it doesn't.
It makes him feel warm inside, valued in a way he never felt amongst his own blood. She cared enough to stick her neck out for him, to show she wasn't going to leave him high and dry outside of matters of the business.
Hell, he wasn't even aware Rhea knew anything about him, let alone such intimate things.
When they meet up with the rest of the group, Dominik latches onto Jey like he's afraid he'll vanish; effectively burying his nose into the Samoan's neck as he mumbles, "He's lucky Mami went over there and not me, he'd be meeting my foot up his ass, Amor."
Jey can't help but flush red before bursting into laughter alongside the others, the absurdity of Dom's words hitting them all at once, they all ignore the way the younger man sputters his defenses. Finn is the only one to offer him any apologies, ruffling his hair in the process.
Back at the hotel, Rhea pulls him aside. She's silent as she stares at him, before she's tugging him into a hug, her accent thick with emotion, "we've got you now, Jey. You can exhale, you know?"
His knee-jerk reaction is to question what she means, but she continues before he can, "you've been wound up so tight for so many years…you can let us carry some of that burden. You're not some tag-along. We sought you out, we saw you. You don't have anything to prove to us, or anyone else…"
At that moment, it dawns on Jey that in getting close with the others, he might've unintentionally been steering away from Rhea, trying to prove himself as an asset to her by working well with the others. As the only woman in their faction, her opinion was highly favored, one declaration of Jey being unneeded and he'd be gone.
But here she was, telling him without fear that the opposite was true.
With a shaky nod, Jey wraps his arms around her frame, exhaling softly when he feels her fingers begin to card through his curls. An action he's seen her perform on Dominik to bring him back down to reality when things get too loud in his head.
Jey can see why it works for Dom, because it definitely is for him.
He's relaxing against the Australian woman, finding warmth in the gentle vibration coming from her chest as she begins to sway their embraced frames.
The first person to kiss Jey is coincidentally Rhea. They were all drunk, and incredibly touchy. Which was fine for the original members of The Judgement Day as they were all dating, but it should've been weird for them when Dominik demanded to sit in Jey's lap. It should've been weirder for everyone when Rhea leaned down and pressed a messy, albeit passionate kiss to his lips after doing so to Dom first.
It wasn't at all weird that Jey didn't hesitate to return the kiss, earning a breathy moan from the Australian.
Instead Finn gasped loudly and began frowning, "Rhea! You skipped tha' line! Ya'know I wanted ta' be first! I was gonna ask Jey in tha' morning."
Rhea merely laughs, the sound slightly mischievous but excited, "Ya' snooze ya' lose, baby!"
Jey is quick to voice his confusion, along with his approval, "I ain't sure what's goin' on righ' now, but if one of ya' don't kiss me again, I'm leavin'."
In turn, Damian doesn't waste any time scooping Dom out of Jey's lap, passing him off to Rhea; before he's claiming Jey's lips in a kiss. The room fills with whoops and laughter.
It was undoubtedly different from kissing Rhea, if for no other reason than because he was leading the kiss with an ease Jey couldn't keep up with in his drunken haze, but he was hellbent on trying his best.
Before he can fully lose himself in the kiss, Finn is huffing and easily replacing Damian, quickly spurred on by the small whimper Jey can't hold back when their lips meet.
Much like with the others, the kiss is over far too soon for Jey's liking, but he's unable to express his disdain before Dominik is pushing his way past Finn and Damian to reclaim his place in Jey's lap.
"Ah, the best for last! Unlike these animals, I'm a gentleman, with manners. So, Jey, may I have the honor of kiss—" the elder silences Dom by capturing his lips in a heated kiss, ripping a wanton whine from the male as his arms wrap around Jey's neck.
The rest of the night goes by in a blur of random kissing, ending in everyone passing out on Jey's bed; a mess of tangled limbs greeting them the following morning.
From then on, things between Jey and the faction only grew stronger. They'd made things official a few days after that fateful night, Jey easily falling into the fold, completing their relationship in ways none knew they'd needed until the Samoan was taking his rightful place alongside them.
The night Jey won the Intercontinental Championship, Damian and Finn were at ringside, cheering him on and keeping the members of Imperium at bay.
Rhea and Dominik were noticeably absent, but Jey knew beforehand they'd be recovering from their own matches that night.
He was pleasantly surprised when his girlfriend had slid into the ring, shadowed by Dominik who was beaming and gathering him in a tight hug.
Rhea gave a speech, declaring this only the beginning of their dominant reign on Monday Night Raw, with every member of their faction holding gold, it was only a matter of time before one of her boys would be plucking that title from Seth Rollins.
Breathing heavily, his arm and title raised above his head whilst the rest of his family celebrates his win, Jey can't help but feel reaffirmed that he made the right choice in joining their mismatched family.
It worked in ways no one aside from the five of them would ever understand, and Jey was more than okay with that. He didn't need to explain himself to anyone. Not with his three boyfriends and spitfire of a girlfriend in his corner.
#jey uso#jey uso fanfiction#wwe#dominik mysterio#queer jey uso#rhea ripley#slight angst#jey uso x rhea ripley#jey uso x damian priest#jey uso x finn balor#jey uso x dominik mysterio#jey uso x the judgement day#The Judgement Day Polycule#jimmy uso#ive been fed so i had to feed y'all#ik jey will never join but let me LIVE#main event jey uso#main event jey uso on RAW????#im still in shock#forever proud of him#unedited#damian priest#finn balor
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no way me? actually finishing a snippet for once? the world must be ending
but also no joke I've had this in my WIPs since mid October and I'm SO happy it's finally done :>
It's been a while since I did anything with the Vampric Joot In Italy With Vampiric Giorno, so how about we change that :)
(also, sorta? warning for implied vomiting. It's not graphic but the implications are there)
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Abbacchio didn’t trust the new guys. Didn’t like them either.
Now, this came to the surprise of literally nobody, including himself. He didn’t like people in general, simple as that.
(Well. Except for Bruno. But he was a literal angel among men and only an idiot wouldn’t like him. At the very least he could agree upon that with the kids.)
But this was different. The newbies were….. weird.
Giorno was a blonde little brat who looked like he hadn’t struggled a day in his life. He was too…… perfect looking, not a single blemish to be seen or hair out of place. No matter where you looked, and believe me Abbacchio had looked hard, there wasn’t a flaw to be found. He always moved with a stupid amount of poise and grace, footsteps quiet like a cat’s and never once looking caught off guard. And the kid wasn’t just a pretty face either, he was smart. He noticed things, small little things that usually only Abbacchio noticed. The kid knew about Abbacchio’s distaste. He definitely knew about the tea. But instead of getting pissy or tattling on Bucciarati, he stayed quiet.
On top of pissing him off, all of it was just plain freaky.
And Jotaro…..
Well. Where to even start with the bastard.
Under normal circumstances, Abbacchio would’ve had begrudging respect for him. He made it clear he wasn’t interested in any of them, but didn’t take any bullshit. He was built like a fucking truck, taller than even Abbacchio was, but he wasn’t a meathead and actually had some braincells. He was admittedly similar to Giorno when it came to brains and noticing things, but he was different in his execution. Blunter for one thing, not even bothering with any pretty words or manipulations. He gave the hard straight facts without any bullshit.
Unfortunately for him, any and all possible respect was thrown out the window because of his stupid fucking outfit.
He’d heard his explanation along with the rest of them when Narancia got nosey and asked. The simple “I’m allergic to the sun” without any elaboration.
And Abbacchio was calling bullshit.
That guy was wrapped up in so many layers that you couldn’t see a spot of skin anywhere. If the sun really was that dangerous for the man then why the hell had he joined the mafia? Abbacchio’s closet could attest to the fact that this line of work went though more clothes than the average person would want to deal with, from bullet holes to knife wounds to whatever the fuck could happen in a Stand Fight.
Unless Jotaro had a complete and total disregard for his life, it didn’t hold up. People only covered up that much when they didn’t want to be recognized and had absolutely no shot at a disguise.
Hence Abbacchio’s current plan.
Jotaro was currently gone with Narancia to grab groceries and wouldn’t be back for another hour. Fugo refused to leave the patio and was waiting for them to come back. Mista was doing a perimeter sweep outside. Bruno and Giorno were talking in the living room. Trish had holed herself up in her room.
Meaning no one was around to see him using Moody to get some answers.
Jotaro had also very conveniently gone upstairs before he’d gone to leave with Narancia, and the stairs themselves were quite loud. Only Trish was up there in her room, so Abbacchio didn’t even have to run the risk of someone sneaking up on him and asking questions (lord knows Bruno wouldn’t be happy if he ever found out). Now, he wasn’t quite sure where upstairs Jotaro had gone, but he could simply follow Moody, so easy fix.
Moody Blues slowly peeled off of him and stood, the digital clock on its head gradually ticking up until it slowed to a stop at around 23 minutes and 56 seconds.
“Let’s see what you’re hiding beneath that coat.” he muttered to himself, eyes narrowing as Moody slowly shifted. It took barely a second before it changed, and soon enough Jotaro was standing right in front of him on the stairs.
“Play,” he commanded.
The copy took a few slow, expected steps up the stairs.
And then just as he left the view of the main room.
He vanished.
Suddenly and abruptly, Jotaro was gone. He didn’t seem to be hit by anything, he didn’t even fade or fizzle out. Just one moment he was there and the next he was gone and Moody reverted back to its usual form.
For a moment Abbacchio had thought that something was wrong with Moody. He rewinded the Stand briefly…. but the exact thing happened again.
What the fuck.
Okay, wait, think about this logically. It obviously wasn’t an attack or anything the man thought was dangerous, meaning Jotaro was likely the one responsible. Abbacchio still didn’t know what his Stand could do, none of them did, but whatever it was it was fucking fast. Much faster than a human. First there was how he managed to get to the docks before they had, then there was catching Zucchero on the boat. Who’s to say he didn’t use it to move. Based on how he’d only been upstairs for a few minutes, he likely hadn’t gone that far.
He felt out with Moody, feeling for the echoes of people who had walked these halls. No one had been here very recently thank god, but it still took a moment until-
There.
Behind one of the doors. Not Trish’s thankfully, that would’ve been awkward, but instead the door next to it.
Abbacchio easily closed the distance, walking up the last few remaining stairs and down the hall, and behind the door was……
The bathroom.
Moody quickly zipped over to where Jotaro had been by the toilet, and for a brief second Abbacchio was ready to skip over it……
But the man was hunched over it.
The layers of cloth were peeled away from his face but his hunched over frame prevented Abbacchio from getting a clear look.
But even without seeing his face, it was obvious he was sick.
Okay…… definitely not what he expected. The man hadn’t shown any signs of being sick earlier, so that either meant the apparent nausea had been very sudden or the guy was really good at hiding it.
Abbacchio sped up the replay. Even with the fast forward, it took a few seconds before Jotaro finally stood up, flushing the toilet as he did so. He made his way over to the sink and-
“Pause.” he commanded his Stand.
-and Abbacchio couldn’t help but stare.
He looked… okay this was going to sound crazy, but he didn’t look that human.
The features were…. wrong. He had two eyes, a nose, mouth, all the features that most people had but at the same time it was off. Like the strangeness of Giorno cranked up to an 11. His eyes were a blue almost as vibrant as the sky and sea itself, but around the pupils (which were too sharp too long not right) they were crackled with bits of red like shattered glass. And his skin, it was horrifyingly pale, almost looking translucent in some places. Abbacchio could practically count the veins and-
And now that he was looking at his face, he noticed Jotaro looked…. boney. His eyes were gaunt and his cheeks were hollow, the latter only being accentuated further by his sharp cheekbones.
Definitely way too boney to be losing meals like that.
There was also a strange…… youthfulness to his appearance. From the way he spoke and acted Abbacchio had assumed he was in his late 20s, maybe early 30s, but under the face mask he looked……. young, sorta. Sure the gaunt features and sheer exhaustion made him look older but if you were to fill him out a bit more…….
He looked like a teenager.
And that made a little, minuscule piece of Abbacchio squirm a bit. He was an asshole but…… nobody, especially not a kid (if Jotaro even was one), deserved to look like that.
During his time on the force he’d seen a few cases that still kept him up at night. And some of those cases had involved kids who were far too skinny and quiet with eyes that should’ve been bright holding nothing but a look no child should ever have.
And whil Jotaro wasn’t anywhere near their ages, the look in his eyes was pretty similar.
There was a muted pain in those blue orbs. A tenseness in his face, a heaviness in his shoulders, slight indents in his lips that spoke of having gnawed on them far too many times but lacking any scars.
But it looked so…… normal to the man. A whispered “play” sent Moody back into motion and he was just…… casual. His movements were easy and practiced, and not once did his expression shift.
This was frankly none of his business. He’d done this to figure out Jotaro’s identity and any possible threats, not analyze him for any…… whatever the hell this was.
So why did Abbacchio feel like he accidentally stumbled upon a rabbit hole far deeper than he first anticipated.
#is this my favorite piece of writing? no. however I finally got it finished so dammit if I'm not proud I got it done#jotaro in italy#vampiric jotaro#vampiric giorno#jjba#jojo’s bizarre adventure#golden wind#jjba part 5#jjba abbacchio#leone abbacchio#moody blues#jjba jotaro#jotaro kujo#jjba giorno#giorno giovanna#bucci gang#sb writes
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👀
mianite bloodborne au that I just never finished writing for.
basically, Sparklez is the main character, i.e. our moon scented hunter and he wakes up zero clues and ideas about where he’s at and who he is but he learns one thing immediately and that is that he’s gotta hunt.
His first boss fight (the only one I’ve got figured out in my brain) is Andor who he watches turn into this huge fucking amalgam of feathers and righteous anger. While up until this point he was fighting mobs of beasts and messed up townsfolk, this would be his first real taste of an actual challenge. Andor himself was pushed to his limits between being forced to worship gods he doesn’t care for and being ignored, he succumbed to become what he does.
Before all that, in a place that the present time regards as “old yharnam”, Spark and Jeriah take in two, maybe orphaned, children.
Capsize and Redbeard are originally from Fishing Hamlet but they do 100% lie about everything to Spark and Jeriah so what the truth is, they don’t really have a concrete understanding of their past.
Jeriah is a vileblood and a hunter, and Spark used to hunt with him, but after a near death experience takes him out and now he upgrades other hunter’s weapons and helps fix the damages caused by beasts. In the present he would definitely be a boss Jordan would have to fight.
Because of the nature of this world, everything goes to shit eventually. Jeriah takes Capsize under his wing and does teach her how to hunt efficiently, unfortunately because he cares about he cannot in good conscious let her join his blood knights and that causes a lot of strife between, so much so that she does go hunting, although not on her own. She does get blood drunk and slowly deteriorates into a beast, but she is killed before she fully turns into one.
Spark takes Redbeard under his own wing, though Red doesn’t take to fixing weaponry as easy as Capsize takes to fighting. Redbeard has an eye (the red one) that is hypersensitive to beings (great ones) that are hidden to most, this does cause a lot of pain and he gets an eyepatch that helps with the pain.
So Ianite and Spark don’t get together here and I realized that because Spark is genetically related to like three integral characters, it’s hard to find an explanation for their existence in the story. Of course I could just ignore that but then I’d know I was purposefully ignoring that and it’d just fuck with me. So, I gave up on writing it lmao.
#asks#mianite#thank you for the asks#i did see this yesterday but I was pretty much dead to the world after getting home from work
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A/N: No real explanation for this lmao just wanted to write something original that wasn't a request lol. This was inspired by a convo on discord about voyeurism and it made my brain go brrr it's Secret Six Hatter cause this Hatter literally saw a group of people nude and decided to get nude with them…I adore him lmao he's just a little dude. The other members are mentioned but they're not super important so it's okay if you don't know them lmao and yes any opportunity to have the Hatters eat out reader I will always take you're welcome rip
Trigger Warning: explicit sexual content, voyeurism (consented to), stripping, masturbation, and cunnilingus
Word Count: 1.7 k
Secret Six Mad Hatter x F!Reader - Just a Peek
One night, you couldn’t shake off the feeling that someone was watching you.
Living in a small shack with six other individuals was no easy feat. Especially when managing who took showers when. You tend to take yours late in the evening when most are in bed.
Much like tonight, you were certain that everyone was asleep…so why did you feel the stabbing feeling that someone was staring you down.
You tried to shake it off as you turned the knob to the shower off. As you pushed back the curtain you grabbed your bathrobe and tied it around yourself as you made your way back to your room.
You heard the nightly activities of your cohorts; Blake pacing his room, Lawton snoring, Ragdoll's murmuring, you don't even want to know the sounds coming from Scandal and Knockout's room…
Hm. No sound from Jervis' room, or Hatter as others called him. He was an interesting inclusion to the team. Some secret weapon supposedly towards a greater opponent you have yet to meet.
Most of him found him annoying, a nuisance. You found the little fellow to be intriguing. Dare you say, cute in a scrunkly and eccentric sort of way. He had his bouts of rhyming, quoting Carroll, an almost adorable fixation on hats and tea.
You sought yourself to at least be acquaintances with the man. He seemed aloof from your attempts at first, but slowly came around, in his own little Jervis ways.
He always made a cup of tea for you, and somehow he remembered how you liked it. It was always hot too, whereas others were lukewarm. He made you hats that you kept hanging on the clothing rack in your closet.
You'll never forget the way his face heated up and his smile widened when you kissed him on the cheek in gratitude for saving you during an ambush…
For a moment your thoughts of Jervis made the feeling of being watched slightly go away, until another shudder raked over your body.
You slowly slipped off your robe, and began looking for some night clothes in your dresser drawer near your bed.
*Gasp*
It was faint, but you heard it.
Someone is definitely in your room!
You snatched up your robe and placed it back over your shoulders.
"Whose in here? I swear to God Lawton if you think this is some kind of joke!"
Nothing. Dead silent.
Mentally, you took a trip down the hall again. Blake's light was still on highlighting his shadow, Lawton you could hear snoring, Ragdoll often murmured in his sleep, and Scandal and Knockout were fucking each other's brains out as usual….
"J-Jervis?"
You heard some shuffling on the wooden floors but not anything vocal. You pinpoint the cries of pressure from the floorboards to be your closet which just so happened to be slightly ajar.
Really? He's spying…on me?!
Even more surprising, why did it not bother you? In fact it was actually super flattering?
What an absolute scamp…
An arousing warmth heated your body, hairs stood on end. You suppose he made it this far, perhaps you ought to give him a little reward.
You turned to face your closet, knowing he's there but trying to play it off as if you didn't know.
You playfully yawned. "I guess I must be hearing things…" You stretched your arms out above your head.
You slowly brought your arms back down. "Although, come to think of it," you giggled. "I don't think I'd mind if Jervis was watching me."
Your hands fell to the top of your chest. You groped and massaged your breasts until your nipples poked through the sleek bathrobe material.
You brought your hands further down, teasingly skipping past your mound and to your knees, before you slowly pulled your hands up, slowly revealing your exposed thighs and waist.
Finally, your hands came back to the knot in your bathrobe. Your body suddenly felt much too hot for the flimsy covering.
You could have sworn you heard another gasp coming from your closet. You smirked as you made your way to your bed. Lucky enough for Jervis, that same bed was facing your closet.
You got on your knees on top of your bed and rested on your haunches. As you continued to rub and pinch your breasts, getting yourself to moan softly at the attention.
You can't even remember the last time you, well, loved yourself but you missed it…not to mention having an audience too.
One of your hands slithered down, down your body. Your middle finger poking through your thighs to your lower lips. You gasped softly as you felt wetness already pooling there.
Huh, voyeurism, who would've thought?
"Jesus…I can't recall a time I've ever been this wet." You whispered, but loud enough for a certain spectator to hear. "I've been neglecting myself for too long."
You spread your knees wider, giving your hand more access to your pussy. You continued to let your finger gather up more of your juices to help lube your fingers.
It didn't take long until you dove your fingers straight into your heated cunt. You surprised yourself at the wanton moan you let out as you finally filled your achingly empty pussy.
Meanwhile as you began stroking yourself, and thrusting your fingers in and out with vigor. Jervis was an absolute mess in your closet.
His pants had already long ago been unzipped and draped on the floor. He was actively rubbing himself in tandem with your fingers. He bit down on his lips trying to refrain from making any more sounds than he previously let slip.
You were gorgeous, stunning…ethereal. You were unlike any other Alice he had ever seen or perceived to have seen. Not to mention you treated him with such kindness and thoughtfulness.
When you kissed his cheek he was a goner, he was absolutely yours and you didn't have a fraction of a clue.
His elation when he first entered your room and saw you actually kept the hats he made and not tossed them like previous people he's attempted to court before.
Now here he was, in your closet about to burst at the seams.
You weren't much further off. You had to lay down on your back as your thighs started going to sleep trying to keep you upright. You made sure he had a pleasant view of you fingering yourself.
You were knuckles deep every time you thrusted your hands back in. You found yourself even lifting your hips up in time and bucking into your hand. Every now and then your other hand went and stroked and rubbed tight circles on your clit, which caused your legs to jerk periodically.
"J-J-Jervis…Jervis…" You moaned, not even realizing if you were just calling out his name cause he was there or if you would have anyway even if he wasn't. You were too lost to think too much about it, but it felt right.
As he heard you moan his name, it caused Jervis to finally reach that euphoric precipice. It took everything in him to not slouch to his knees and to keep his eyes peeled on you.
The ways your knees met as they jerked together. The way you were gasping, almost whining for release.
Jervis licked his lips, he wasn't sure he could hide much longer. He had an overwhelming desire to..to…
You stalled your motions when you heard a door slam against the wall.
Jervis came tumbling out of the closet. He wore nothing but his trademark hat.
"P-P-Please…please, dear, let me…let me…Can I have a taste?"
He was on his knees scooting himself closer and closer to your bed. His hands clenched,
As if you could say no, you reluctantly removed your hands from your lower regions and had them meet at the top of your head. You spread your legs wider.
You never thought to stop and consider whether or not Jervis has done something like this before–
O-oh..oh shit
What he lacked in technique he made up for tenfold in enthusiasm. His nose occasionally rubbed against your clit, as his buck teeth softly nibbled along your lower lips and his tongue lapped into you like a dehydrated dog.
The knot in your gut quickly began tightening again as it had before Jervis exposed himself. You almost didn't recognize yourself being the one whimpering and moaning.
"J-Jervis…Jervis…"
Your legs squeezed his head closer into you as your body broke out in pleasing tingles and overwhelmingly warm vibrations. You continued gulping for air, every now and then mewling at the sensation of Jervis' tongue still licking and tasting your release.
You had to gently push his head away to keep from the slightly uncomfortable overstimulation. At least for now anyway, you wanted to catch your breath first. Not to mention you had a few questions.
Before you spoke however, Jervis began chuckling. "My, my, you taste sweeter than any sugar cube or honey."
That comment should not have made you blush the way it did.
"Care to explain yourself?"
Jervis shrugged. "Explain what? It's quite clear I'm infatuated with you, absolutely adore you! I know it's rude to peek at your most vulnerable state…ah but you see…I was…em…"
"Curious?" You offered.
Jervis' eyes widened and gleamed. "Yes, indeed. You understand, quite curious, yes about the sole lady that's won my heart. And brought forth the most natural feeling of euphoria I've ever experienced without assistance from my hat!"
"Wait…your hat?"
Jervis nodded. "I hypnotize myself, by wearing my hat and looking into the mirror…it's the only way..I felt pleasure…happiness too I suppose."
It didn't seem possible…how could someone be so mischievous yet endearing. It wasn't fair, that's for sure.
"I…I had no idea, I guess I'm glad I can help? When you put it like that…and as I said…I do find it quite flattering."
"Ah, so you did know I was here." Jervis giggled as he scooted over to the opposite side of you on your bed. "Clever girl, how did you know?"
"Well, down the hall I heard everyone else in their rooms. Yours was the only one that was quiet…" You explained as you laid your head on your pillow, looking as he made himself comfortable under the sheets with you.
"Hmm…alluring and brilliant." He giggled again. "You're perfect, just perfect!"
You rolled your eyes but offered a sweet smile. You leaned up and gave him a familiar kiss on the cheek. "Good night, Jervis."
"Good night, darling."
…
"Jervis?"
"Mm?"
"Do…do you sleep with your hat on too?"
"Yes. Is that an issue?"
"N-no not at all just…just wondering."
#ri writes#secret six mad hatter x reader#secret six jervis tetch x reader#secret six mad hatter#secret six mad hatter x female reader#secret six mad hatter x female reader smut#secret six jervis tetch x female reader#secret six jervis tetch x female reader smut
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Hi K! I was inspired by the ask you sent me and the game I saw @zablife create a few weeks ago (I can’t find the link for it, sorry!) where you send people a GIF for them to use as creative inspiration for either a blurb, headcannon, moodboard or one shot or fic whenever they choose!
This can sit in your inbox for months and months if you wish, the idea of this is just to be there for when you feel as though you need some inspiration for something creative and just want to have a bit of fun or get the brain into a creative place! Please don’t feel any pressure to use this I just thought it might be quite a nice thing to use when you’re in the mood to write but aren’t sure what!
I hope you enjoy this and have fun with it! X
Thanks so much for sending this in, Aimee!! 🥰 I’m sorry it took a little bit for me to answer it, but I wanted to make sure that it was good. So with that being said…I hope that it’s good. It’s not quite based on the scene that we see him in here (because that scene breaks my heart) but it’s certainly not a fluffly piece.
I Have to Go
Tommy Shelby
———
Warnings: language
Tommy goes to (Y/N)’s house with hopes to stop her, but he finds that it’s too late to get her to change her mind.
“I have to go, Tommy,” (Y/N) said, her one hand gripping onto the wooden door while the other was clenched into a tight fist behind her back.
“You’re still going forward with it?” he asked her, swallowing harshly then.
“Yeah,” she nodded, keeping her response short at first. She looked into his blue eyes for a moment before she realized that he deserved a better explanation. “I need to do this for myself. We’ve talked about it many times…I’m never going to be the person I want to be if I don’t leave this city.”
“So you’re leaving now?” he asked, sounding like he was still trying to wrap his head around it.
“Yes,” she nodded, “I have to.”
“You’re gonna leave now…after I’ve come back; after I’ve told you what’s going on with my family, at the time that I need you most,” he tried to get his thoughts out, his sentences pieced together with pauses.
“Please don’t make this about yourself, Tommy,” (Y/N) asked him, her tone teetering on the fence of sounding like begging.
“I fucking need you here, (Y/N),” he reiterated the final part of his previous statement.
“I can’t be here anymore. This city’s going to eat me alive if I stay in it a moment longer,” she stressed, her desperation shining through in her words. This wasn’t an easy choice for her, but it was one that she needed to make.
Tommy dropped his eyes to the ground, breathing in slowly before he exhaled the air in a deep sigh. “Fine,” he said then, the word sounding like it was forced out.
“Tommy…” she sighed, already knowing what was coming next.
“No. Just go, yeah? Go like you’ve said you’re going to. Your mind’s made up…follow through with your choice,” he said, his eyes locked onto hers as he spoke, the blueness of them that once resembled a warm, summer day now looking like fractured ice.
(Y/N) opened her mouth to speak, but Tommy didn’t allow her to. Instead he held her gaze as he stepped away from her door, keeping his eyes locked onto hers until his body was completely perpendicular to her home. She watched in disbelief as he began walking away from her without speaking another word.
“This just goes to show that you’re absolute shit at saying goodbye, Tommy Shelby!” she called out to him as she watched him walk away, the tears now stinging her eyes. He didn’t stop his stride, so she continued, “all of those years…all of those moments we spent together…all of the secrets I vowed to keep!” her vocal level rose with each step he took away from her, “you should’ve just fucking stayed home; should’ve let me leave with the memory I had of you!” she was crying now, which surely made her words sound incoherent and jumbled together.
What she didn’t know was that Tommy had heard them loud and clear…and that it was taking everything in his power not to turn around and try again. But he kept on walking, because he knew that she was doing herself the biggest favor by getting as far away from this city, and him, as she possibly could.
———
Tagged: @mgcllovdrms @the-anxious-youth @cloudofdisney @look-at-the-soul @elenavampire21 @peaky-cillian @mrsalwayswrite @julkaamazing @evita-shelby @lilyrachelcassidy @notyour-valentine @shelbydelrey @december16-1991 @onlydeadcells @peakyswritings @just-a-blackhole @watercolorskyy @strayrockette @peakyduchesss @alexxavicry @captivatedbycillianmurphy @yummycastiel @dark-academia-slut @tommystargirl @stevie75 @lyarr24 @signorellisantichrist @zablife @anotherblinder @midnightmagpiemama @cillmequick @rangerelik @lovemissyhoneybee @dandelionprints @letal-y-poetica @raincoffeeandfandoms @itscheybaby @gypsy-girl-08
MASTERLIST
#tommy shelby#tommy shelby x reader#tommy shelby x y/n#tommy shelby imagine#tommy shelby blurb#peaky blinders#peaky blinders x reader#peaky blinders x y/n#peaky blinders imagine#peaky blinders blurb#peaky blinders fanfic#peaky blinders fanfiction#fanfiction#fanfic#asks answered
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you know what. at this point i feel like i'm circling the topic of my trauma like water around a drain. maybe i'll just talk about it.
this is gonna be a personal one.
i was stalked, harassed, and smeared. it was years ago and i'm doing good now, but it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. i've been referring to it as The Trauma for a while, but only recently realised i just straight up have PTSD from it.
i hate that that's what it took to finally understand how to set and hold a boundary. i hate how much better my internet habits are now, because of that. i hate that the way to keep myself safe and at peace was to never, ever speak a word of it in public lest it be used against me, and that i'm still scared of it. but what more can they do to me? they've already tried it all, and i'm still here, and the ground can't collapse under my feet anymore.
the long and messy buildup to a break up with a friend was horrible enough, but it probably wouldn't have scarred me as badly if i hadn't been stalked for well over a year afterwards. i say stalking even if it was all online, a whole ocean apart - they made themself present in every space i frequented, and i've become intimately familiar with the blocking and blacklisting systems on every platform i'm on. they tried to get to me through my roommates and my irl friends. it's difficult to fully describe how cornered i felt even in the vast infinity of the fucking internet.
i regret nothing, though. cutting them off was my last resort and the best thing i ever did. i'd do it again a million times - i kind of had to, since it was less akin to severing a string and more like having to behead an eel in a bathtub full of oil that also happened to be a hydra.
i had no control over the narrative other than whatever trust my friends had in me, and i lost quite a lot of friends. (i saw one of them block me in real time.) there was this absolute helplessness of it, because what could i possibly do or say to prove that i was not a cruel or unsafe person to be around? i've never held it against them.
(i wonder, sometimes. do they ever think of me? do they shrug and move on?)
it felt so stupid, really, to feel this anxious about my reputation. oh, no!! not my precious reputation!!!!!!!! but it's
well
how do you recover your reputation? on the internet? it's such an easy thing to ruin, and it was deeply shameful to realise how easily i've swallowed the same bait myself, so many times before. never about friends, i think, but, y'know. can't fault anyone for wanting to stay safe, be it from Supposedly Skeevy Creators or the panopticon.
the worst part was how my own mind felt like wet, crumpled up paper, constantly doubting my own reality of who i am. how do i know i'm not cruel? how do i know i'm safe to be around? what if i was extorting and manipulating the masses, even if that was not my conscious intention? it took a long time to be able to do or say something nice again without intrusive thoughts flooding my brain.
i think i always knew somewhere inside of me that no, of course i'm not an evil mastermind, that's a very silly thought. i don't even believe in evil. but it's like - if i had done something wrong, then at least it would be something i could change about myself. if it was my fault, then it was within my control.
the longer it went on, the easier it was to convince myself that i didn't deserve this. yes, even if i had done... whatever it was i had supposedly done that was so deserving of punishment, i felt like nobody deserved this much punishment. like, it was a truly excessive amount of punishment, going on far beyond the point of contructivity - i wasn't doing anything. i wasn't doing anything to begin with, and whatever it was that i had been doing, i had stopped now! there were only two remaining explanations of my Crimes:
my mere existence was bad, and i would have to completely erase myself from the internet.
- no, i was not so far gone as to believe that.
cutting off my friend was the most heinous act of mental violence ever enacted.
- no, i did not believe that either. i wasn't super good at boundaries but i've always been a strong believer that relationships are not mandatory.
- well i definitely didn't want to be their friend anymore now, and from the sounds of it, i couldn't imagine them wanting to be friends with me anymore either.
- should i have ended it differently? could i have ended it differently? i had flattened myself trying to be as kind and understanding and soft and compassionate as i could be, desperately so, but that hadn't saved me. (i remember my mother asking, "but did you make it clear to them that you love them?" when i explained why i wanted to see a therapist again.) maybe if i had just blocked them without preamble on day one.
i had no choice but to accept the sheer injustice of what was being done to me.
regaining my sanity was a bit of a process. i'm very thankful for my friends. (i'm not thankful for the therapy rejection letter telling me i wasn't depressed enough to qualify. it took me a while to get an actual therapist that wasn't a tarot deck.)
i hesitate to call myself lucky, but i was. even with every paranoid prediction and worst fear coming true, i outlasted them. yes sure i sometimes cried uncontrollably to the point i got sent home from work once, yes i lost weight because i was too nauseous from the stress to eat properly, yes i had nightmares about them and yes i would have physical trauma reactions every time i saw their name written anywhere even though it belonged to completely different people, yes, yes - i fucking survived all of that. i had solid foundations to stand on.
even in the forest fire of my social circles i had an incredible, wonderful support network. i feel much more secure in myself and my relationships now. i've learnt so many things - about trauma, about boundaries, about healing, about friendship, about the internet, but
at
what
fucking
cost!!!!!
my pain shouldn't have been rewarding. it's a cautionary tale about how trying to be soft enough for everyone to step on inevitably leads to hurt, and yet! how fucking dare i come out better for it!
maybe this is no tale and there is no 'better'. it's a painful chapter of my life but i am not a book. i'm a real person of flesh and blood in a confusing reality where people struggle and do their best.
i can't explain why, exactly, i'm sharing this today. it's not all of it, far from it, but i think it explains well enough where i write my blogposts from. maybe i'm hoping it will help someone else. maybe i'm just ready to own my own story loudly. i'm tired of looking over my own shoulder.
thank you for reading, if you did.
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