the intense narrative foiling between the death of q!tubbo and the death of q!badboyhalo.

q!tubbo’s death felt like it happened so suddenly. many of those around him didn’t even believe it was real. one second he was playing around and then for a brief instant he begged for his life and then he was gone.

q!bbh’s death felt very slow. that he himself was stretching it out for as long as possible. there was time for him to prepare and for others to realize. to have the terrible feeling of grieving someone while they’re still alive.

and that’s not to say that q!tubbo’s death was random and out of nowhere because it wasn’t. similar to q!bbh, you could see his slow path to self destruction for months. but once again, those two were foils to one another.

q!tubbo was not one to hide it. the way he would say that he wouldn’t shower or change his clothes for brief periods of time. that he would willingly let himself get hurt without a care in the world. the thought that no one would take him seriously about things and he had said that thought out loud before. he spent his last moments gambling his own life away.

q!bbh would always try to hide it. although the evidence was clearly on his face and back, he would deny deny deny until those last final days. and even then it was only to those he trusted. he let himself get hurt by the soul vultures in his own home away from everyone else. he spent his last moments alone, panicking over old memories that still hurt him.

in the end, their commonality lays in that the kids were always the first ones to realize something was wrong. that they could see that the decline was slow but meaningful to them. the two soulhunters, bound together by fighting so fiercely to protect those who were not even their own, although it led to their deaths. the realm of the living waits for their returns and misses them in the shape of eggs

i keep thinking about bad's vacation outfit. mostly, i keep thinking about him not wearing armour.

bad is, fundamentally, not okay rn. his son got kidnapped. the code attacks are starting again. people keep going missing left and right and skeppy isn't here but he's been missing him from the start. he lost the election by a single islander vote. there's been a lot of pressure on him for a long time, and he's finally starting to crack.

the thing about bad is that he does NOTT talk about his emotions. he's silly about it. he plays games about it. he will never answer a straightforward question with a yes or a no, not unless he's lying. when forever asked him he was okay, he said yes.

i think... there's really something about him, repeatedly, saying he's on vacation. sure, yeah, take a break, but he keeps throwing himself into danger anyway, he's still taking care of the eggs. he's silly with it, but i don't think his "vacation" explicitly means "i'm taking a break." I think it means "i'm not someone you can rely on right now." what? not being at the top of the island/egg defence squad because he's falling apart at the seams? :D nahhh he's just on that vacation grind! look at him! he's so silly! he's building skeppies and he's being so silly !

and. god. the way he's absolutely clinging to skeppy right now. i get the sense that he takes a lot of comfort from skeppy, just from the existence of him. can you imagine being alive has long as bad has? losing and losing and losing and losing, and then you finally find someone you can't lose? skeppy is bad's emotional support diamond and he is Not There to emotionally support him. bad keeps throwing tantrums when people ignore him, and he keeps building skeppies.

he's never going to say he needs help. he's never going to say he's not okay. he's going to say "i'm not crazy" and "i don't have an obsession" and "yes i'm fine" and "i'm on vacation" and not wear his most protective armour. the ARMOUR. bad boy halo the most paranoid parent on the island keeps running around with several eggs at his heels when he's wearing only enchanted sunglasses and boots. WHEN THERE ARE ACTUAL CODE ATTACKS. WHEN THE CODE HAS THE ! SWORD. if "i'm on vacation" means "i can't help" then the lack of armour is a physical, visible reminder. it's the closest he can get to saying "no, i'm not okay."

and man.manm an man. the whole thing with dapper right now. dapper is the only one who really knows the extent of bad Being Weird right now. pomme has a good idea of it, but when she asked about bad "is he going insane again?" dapper's response was "he never stopped." i've seen lots of talk about bad needing dapper more than dapper needs him (and its TRUE. god. it's so true.) but dapper is also! not doing okay! kiddo was very recently kidnapped! he takes after his dad and doesn't overtly express his distress, but the way he was scared of getting too close to elquackity at the talent show... the way he and pomme huddled together when bad left them alone for an hour... he's watching his dad fall apart in front of him, and there's nothing he can do about it.

from a roleplaying perspective too i LOVEE how bad is slowly, slowly ramping up the skeppy obsession. he's clinging to sanity so he can be a good dad to his kids, but his kids are so mortal. so fragile. bad isn't; bad isn't wearing all of his armour. and skeppy isn't; bad is placing more skeppies around the island. i adore this man's roleplay i hope he gets WORSE

so we know that qfits main reasonings for taking things at a snails pace with pac are 1. not being used to/comfortable with romance and affection and his own feelings and wanting time to figure that out (see: his conversation with ramon earlier this week, "who are you trying to fool" "myself", "im not good with these things") and 2. wanting to prioritize his mission and not wanting pac to get caught up in it (ramon convo again) but how much do you want to bet that some of it is secretly rooted in self esteem? Fit isn't stupid, he knows Pac likes him - how much of the denial and the slow burn is him consciously or subconsciously trying to give pac the space and time to back out? to realise that he actually doesn't want Fit or that he's not good for him?

the thing is, just as much as Fit is used to not being able to trust people he's used to not being trusted. He comes from a place where no one is good or safe, and yeah sure he's far from the worst motherfucker from the wastelands but he's not GOOD either. he knows he's dangerous, he knows he'll always have blood on his hands, and most importantly he knows that he's lying to everyone on quesadilla Island about why he's really there and that eventually the truth will have to come out - that pac, and everyone else, will find out that Fit has been betraying them the whole time. that he's been spying on them, essentially.

And Pac... Fit thinks SO highly of him, we know this very very well. In all the time they've known each other I don't think I've heard him say a single negative or critical thing about him. he always tells him how strong and tough and perfect (his words) he is. He trusts him enough to instantly be on board with any plan he comes up with before even knowing what it is. Whether Fit knows it or not (probably not because he's not really the type of guy to self-reflect on his view of himself) some part of him probably thinks that pac is too good for him. too good to be in a relationship not just with someone who's awkward and inexperienced and can't give him the outward displays of emotion and romance he deserves, but with someone who will inevitably have to end up hurting him. Maybe part of him is hoping that pac will get bored of him before that has to happen, or, maybe, he's trying to maintain that space so that it will hurt HIM less when it does. maybe it's the selfish part of him that still deep down believes he HAS to be alone because that's how it's always been, and that's how it will be again when the other shoe drops and he has to leave quesadilla Island. it's probably both.

well. either way he better get over it quick because there's no way pac (or richas or ramon or sunny or tubbo or phil or bbh or bagi or) is gonna let him keep him at arms-length forever

Thinking about pachalo yesterday

q!Pac… he was so so concerned. worried that if Dapper was really missing, q!Bad would change colors again (he uh. kinda wasn’t wrong? *stares at the green* o_o) Then when he found out q!Bad is having memory issues…? ough

He ranted about how everytime things are settled & back on the right track again, something happens. and got upset saying how q!Bad has been through a lot and doesn’t deserve this to happen to him- not right when everything is finally looking good again. that even though today is a good day because of the eggs, q!Pac can’t help feeling sad and very worried for his friend and wants to help him. He gave the flower of the day too :(

Though I think what’s most interesting to me is how q!Pac started to get angry. saying he should kidnap, lock q!Bad up to ask questions and find out what the heck happened to him when leaving purgatory. how he got frustrated at q!Bad forgetting him 5 times, backed away saying he’ll kill him, and had to take deep breaths and count to ten to calm down.

anger…. for q!Bad’s sake. angry at the unfairness of this condition happening to his friend, who he’s already watched suffer for months. q!Bad should be healthy, happy- the eggs are back! there’s new eggs! why can’t he just be happy now, why did he have to be hurt more? he doesn’t deserve this.

anger for q!Pac’s own sake, angry at the distant look in q!Bad’s eyes when they meet his. they fought and bled, ran for their lives and protected each other on the purgatory battlefield for so long. watching the friendship he’s come to treasure over this time slip away right in front of him… he won’t let it.

q!tubbo, fred, and how far are you willing to go?

So I have THOUGHTS about the lore today :D

FIRSTLY:

When watching the stream, I was so convinced that the letter Fred left asking q!Tubbo on a date was fake, a trap by the federation. But now, realising that it was actually genuine, it was a real desire they expressed, and q!Tubbo never lost faith once that he meant that invitation, breaks my heart. I don't know when Fred realised that their feelings may be something other than just friendly (if they even are completrly), but I bet the movie date and q!Tubbo's endless kindness and patience towards her is what made them want to push a bit further. I wouldn't be surprised if Fred forgets about the Federation, what they have done, and what their position means, when they're talking to, thinking about, or simply with q!Tubbo. Because he never treats him as "Federation Worker WA02". They're Fred. They're someone who exchanges letters with a curious, kindhearted, chaotic engineer, using flowers to communicate things too large to put into words on a page. That's who they are when picking up the letter where q!Tubbo says yes to a date, telling him to pick him up whenever.

But then, like with q!Pierre, q!Quackity comes and kidnaps him, and that stark reality returns. Because to the other islanders, he is a Federation employee, working for an organization that has hurt, tortured and manipulated the people of the island to the point of memory loss and trauma. In q!Pierre's case, Fred was DIRECTLY involved in what happened to him, and to q!Quackity, he is the symbol of what took everything from him. They don't care about what Fred may be like away from the office, he is an employee of the vessel of their worst nightmares. This isn't usually a problem for them, he defaults to the persona she must adopt as a high-ranking employee, with no fear and curt responses that don't reveal much.

Until they bring q!Tubbo into their threats.

And that shakes them up, something in them twists. Not him, he has nothing to do with any of this. Fred says that every time, cuz to them, q!Tubbo is the part of their life that is untainted by the things he has done as a Federation employee. He's the boy who taught him what a friend was, who always wished he was healthy in every letter he wrote, who promised to protect him with what little he had cuz he cared. They have never seen q!Tubbo as anything other than kind, patient, and understanding. He needs them to stay separate, both for q!Tubbo's safety, but also his own. Because they think the moment q!Tubbo finds out what he has done, he thinks he'll leave. Why would someone as kind as him stay by his side after finding out they're a monster?

But q!Tubbo isn't exactly what Fred thinks he is, either.

The same boy who excitedly showed him Wall-E in the cinema, who picked flowers to give him every time they wrote, is also the one who laughed down the barrel of Cucurucho's gun pointed at him, before making his escape. He's snuck into the Fed office multiple times and broken into all its parts, he's broken several rules and continues to do so without a care. HE WENT TO THE NETHER !!! HE LAVACASTED A FED BUILDING!! MAJORITY OF THE ISLAND CURRENTLY WANTS HIM THROWN BEHIND BARS AND HE DOESN'T CARE !!!

Quackity (the cc) had said during the Brazil meetup streams that following events would push the people of the server to see how far they would be willing to go. And I can so clearly see how this would factor in for fred and qtubbo's arc.

Fred has been convinced by q!Quackity that q!Tubbo now hates him. But he doesn't know that, despite q!Quackity trying everything, q!Tubbo refused to be angry at Fred. His faith in them is unwavering TO A FAULT. And he has said before, he does not CARE whether Fred has hurt people or harmed them, because that's his friend (cough cough partner). He knows Fred better than anyone else, and would not think to abandon him through anything. And if he's done bad things? q!Tubbo would not care, he'd probably be willing to walk down into hell with Fred's hand in his if it came to it. Who's to say, to get Fred back, q!Tubbo wouldn't snitch to the Federation? Anything to get the one he cares about back. He promised to protect them. That's how far he's willing to go. Even if it means everyone on the island hates him even more. If it's Fred, he's willing to do it.

q!Tubbo would be willing to burn all his bridges if it meant keeping him and Fred warm.

i was kinda disappointed with the lore today cuz i had hoped it would be more qtubbo centric, but i guess shit must havebeen shifted around cuz tubbo is travelling and it wasnt the best convenience for him but PRAYINGGGGG they do something with this and qtubbo gets his true neutral/villain arc for fred toxic yuri coded frubbo are so real to me

Pomme knows her dad is dead.

Even after her and Tallulah's conversation last night, where it seemed like she's just been in denial this whole time, I don't think she was in denial for this long.

qBad's death has been a slow buildup these past couple of months and Pomme and Dapper have definitely seen the memory loss and the coughing first hand. They've seen the infection and they've seen the radiation. They've seen how much sicker their dad is becoming every day, which is why Pomme made the medicine in the first place. She tried to help, but I think some part of her knew it wasn't enough.

This all culminated in Sweet Despair, when qBad was the worst he's ever been- constantly forgetting who Pomme was, coughing way more often and just being super exhausted and weak in general. I think Pomme knew her dad was going to die that day because I was rewatching the vod, and when qBad said he wanted to visit qMax, Pomme said:

"I don't think I can visit him today...it would imply that I will be dead too.

Pomme knew her dad was very close to death, but I think the cruelest part of that day was the fact that qBad kept implying there would be a tomorrow. "We'll go on adventures tomorrow!" "Remind me to tell you something tomorrow" "I will see you tomorrow".

But tomorrow never came.

And yet, Pomme still holds out hope that her dad will come back the next day because he, and now Tallulah have told her to never lose hope, and of course he's coming back- he has to, right? He's not dead...he just disappeared.

But if he's not dead then why is he missing in the first place? QBad would never leave his kids alone like this. If he's not dead, then why are the ghosties just casually following her and Dapper around when they've never been given this much freedom to roam around before? All the clues are adding up and it's just stewing into these sinking feelings of dread and despair because there is no tomorrow, there was never a tomorrow-

But her dad and Tallulah told her to not lose hope. And I'm afraid Pomme will just hold on to that sliver of hope unless there is clear evidence that says otherwise. Which is why finding qBad's body is so significant.

I know it seems cruel to hope for a child to find their father's decaying corpse, but it's a form of mercy, in my opinion. At least then, she's not left wondering about where her dad is, or what happened to him. At least then she can have closure and start to grieve instead of not knowing at all.

Pomme's denial comes from hope. And while it's good to have hope, it can also be bittersweet because it stops you from facing the truth. And sometimes confronting the truth is what you must do to find the courage to move on, grieve, and do the next right thing.

Still thinking about q!pac and his whole “we never get over it, we just pretend right?” Speech.

In context it was just about q!cell but how many other things does that apply to?

Does q!pac get into a boat with someone and have to clench his fists so tightly they leave marks on his palms in order to not shake because of his fear of water?

In prison did he try and fail to cover up eye bags from lack of sleep due to incessant nightmares of what happened every other time he was locked up. Did he wonder if soon he was going to start hearing tortured screams from other islanders as they got experimented on? Did he start trying to prepare himself to walk in and see one of his friends bloody corpses so he wouldn’t fall apart like last time?

Just how many times as q!pac been doing horribly and we just didn’t know it because he was hiding it too well?

The following is about Bad’s character not the CC!

I do wanna say that q!Bad’s insistence on wanting q!Forever to tell him he did a good job isn’t just because of any crush he has on him or whatever. It’s also because Forever is one of - if not the closest friend Bad has (tied with Baghera, or Max.)

And Bad is desperate to confirm that his closest friend/crush doesn’t just see him as a vending machine for resources/assistance/egg care. The reason he’s making such a big deal about it isn’t just drama - Bad is seriously starting to wonder if anyone on the island actually cares about him, or if they only talk to him because they need him to do something for them.

Because he told them about all the things he’d done for the island and what he wanted himself (he is saying “I will support you”), and they still elected Forever.

Because he told them he was on a vacation (he is saying “I am not okay”) and they called him crazy, and he was still expected always to be there. (With the exception of Baghera: who noticed and tried to talk to him, and Foolish: who noticed and let Bad build a roach-spawning summer home in his tower that is still there.)

Because he tells them hello and goodnight (he is saying “I miss you when you’re gone”) and they don’t do the same.

Bad is upset with Forever because he thinks he’s asking the question “Do you care about me?” and he thinks the answer is no.

Obviously, he isn’t. At least not in a way that’s easy to see - it’s not really Forever’s or anyone’s fault that he’s developed this mindset. And he is infamously terrible at communicating his feelings. But I do want to acknowledge that while “I want Forever’s attention and I’m too emotionally-constipated to admit it” is definitely part of it, there’s something deeper there too.

Well, ig it's time for me to talk about one of my favorite lores and streamers at this point.

Fit MC of 2B2T and his tragedy.

Honestly, when I watched the launch of QSMP I was full on Philza watcher. I never knew Fit before, but I was charmed by his voice, humor and friendship with crow father. And honestly I never even expected any lore from him, so when his first lore stream happened I was pleasantly surprised! So, I really want to express how much I love Fit's lore. It's not in your face and has a lot of subtle hints and build up. Honestly, it's not an essay but rather an expression of true admiration of masterful story telling in form of incoherent ramblings.

(I'll try to compose it, but I can't promise it'll always be coherent)

So let's start with quick review of his lore. FitMC of 2B2T is, evidently from the oldest anachy server. It's described as wasteland, where you can't trust or be trusted. Once he was approached by a person, whom Fit can't remember. It was a contractor who sent our favorite war criminal to the Qsmp with a mission to steal player data. Everything up from there is in vods.

Well, it is a great start, isn't it? At this point we have a very sad start. Practically no trust and emotional connection to anything. The eternal destruction, explosions, deaths and betrayals don't teach you anything different. So once he came to the server, I imagine, Fit didn't care about anything but mission. Player data and that's all, but right from the start this mindset started to change because of the greatest misfortunes of any mercenary or a 2b2t player. Emotional connection.

So now let me break this up into some sections.

Philza: you really thought I won't bring him up? As a greatest (platonic) Fitza/Wallflower duo enjoyer or just a Phil watcher, I couldn't leave him out of this post. I really think that Fit's learning started with crow father. From the start we know that they're at least are acquaintances. But throughout all this months they grew into something more. Philza's trust is hard to get, but if you get it this'll be worth it. Yet Fit got it. Throughout the good old days of Qsmp, when everything was easier, Fitza always were together. No matter was it a life threat or a camping trip with kids, they're with each other. Trusting to each other enough to letting each other in eggs' homes. And after feces hit the fan, it didn't change. A person, who was taught to never trust a soul and to survive no matter what, was standing there, saying "I'm with you, Phil" In the midst of attack. The trust between them is just incomprehensible. A paranoid hardcore survivor and a war criminal, with a lot of secrets and separetion anxiety, became best friends. If anything goes South for Phil, Fit'll be spying, controlling situation. If a wise crow ever starts loosing his sense of reality, this soaked in blood hand will lay on his shoulder, reassuringly. And it isn't one sided. If Fit needs anything Philza instantly passes him it ("You're too good to me"). Phil shares everything he can with Fit and even trusted the Dream to him. And Fit even had a small separation anxiety attack, just cuz Phil was gone for a few seconds. They are so close, Fit even considered letting in Phil on his purpose, Aaaaah... They're gonna be the death of me. Philza learned Fit friendship/ platonic love.

"You [Phil] and I [Fit].... We walk into churches and they burn just by our presence."

Ramon: the baby boy made in heaven by God himself. There's so much to be said here. Once again, coming into the island, Fit never expected to connect with someone, especially to have a son. After having a rocky relationship with Spreen was left one on one with a child. The absurdity of situation is just as laughable, as ironic. A man, who's hobby was killing kids with no back thought, was now stuck with a child, having no idea of how to raise him. And, honestly, he did pretty good! He gave Ramon freedom, but always was here, close enough to help if needed. Of course he wasn't the saint, yet he always tried to be as honest as he could, even letting him on the "Family secret". Ramon loves his dad, and it's obvious by how he helps Fit with his job, building him a communication with his contractor. The little one even taught this cold person to be kinder and more open. They only have each other. And Fit is ready to do anything if it means he'd get to leave with his baby boy by his side. Also I don't wanna hear a scrap about 2b2t historian not caring about his son's disappearance. He does. After behaving and distancing himself from his past antics, he decided to burn the ship, where Ramon lost his first life, just to avenge his baby. He visits his sons house every stream, looking if maybe he came back. If you want any prove of how much they care about each other search Ramon's graduation. They made each other better and their love is just aaahhh. I love them. Ramon taught Fit parental love.

"Baby boy, made in heaven, by God himself.."

PacTW: the last, but not least, Pacman himself. Oooh, love, oooh, lover boy.... Now, I haven't watched a lot of their interactions, but from all I've seen they're suuuuper in love/crush. All those little glances to each other, protection, quality time... Honestly, I think these two videos explain everything. They trust each other and at least have a crush on each other. And once again, there're a lot of small moments that prove this point. Fit having a small panic attack over not seeing pac for a few seconds and even helping to find Walter Bob and Mike. And Pac, no matter how much he loves Mike, didn't drop Fit after the latter was accused of being a traitor. Love is blooming, and even though it's "baby steps" These are still steps. It takes a lot to relearn trust and especially this kind of intimacy, when all you knew before was war, betrayal and lie. And thus Pac taught him love and trust.( I'm not big on shipping but every time hide duo hug my life gets a little better).

"Baby steps, chat. Baby steps. (Puts roses Pac gifted him)"

But, why did I call Fit and his fate tragic, and then just list all the good interactions Qsmp gave him. After all he experienced at 2b2t , this island seems like a heaven. But, Fit was, is, and forever will be stranger at the paradise (this man is way too good at presenting lore. Even music gives us soo much things to think about... I love it.). No matter how much Fit loves people around him and feels this being reciprocated, he'll never have this full closure. He knows and believes that once everyone knew his mission, they'll hate him. Even people I listed before. He'll never be fully honest with anyone (apart from Ramon), and no matter how people love him. Fit truly feels for Baghera, when she told him about her past and her fear of telling it to BBH. It is literally what he struggles with. This dialogue has a lot of good foils and parallels. The fear of their past, full trust/ forced lie, darkness/ light, and eventually positive outlook. Baghera was eventually able to trust Bad with her secret, yet Fit wasn't. But this paradise spoiled this war criminal. It made him more trusting, more social. Fit can't now be alone, cuz he connected with people. This server, though is full of secrets, lies and danger, is still a paradise. A heaven on earth for a lonely man...

So the last part of this long ahh post is about his desire. The one thing that convinced Fit to go to qsmp. Freedom. Which he doesn't have. By making this deal with Contractor he fell into the trap. He must to find this player data, or else he'll return to the world he tried to escape. For forever. With no way out. But once he came to the server, Cucurucho will never let him go. So he's now in double trap. Yet the biggest trap is Ramon. He's prepared to sacrifice everything for his baby boy, and can't leave the island without him. And without Ramon Fit wouldn't be able to contact the contractor. So in creating connections, Fit traps himself further.

I can't really call it a character analysis, but it's all I see in Fit's lore. A very lonely war criminal, that got so tired of distrust and destruction, that he agreed on a spy mission. But once his mission started he learned how to love and care, that he trapped himself further. Love isn't a miracle that saves you, but it's a very useful tool. Once you learn to understand and reciprocate it, life may become better. (Sorry, it's super cheesy, but I think it encompasses Fits character very good) .

Fit is a spy. They're not supposed to have a family and love, because they can't stay for long. And I think at first, Fit saw everything and everyone as just a means to an end. Just the player data. But after all that has passed he can't be the same. He has a son, friends and a possible love interest. Will he be able to still continue his mission? Will he still betray them and they're trust? I don't know.

But I now I love how cc! Fit does his lore. It isn't so in the face and doesn't affects other, yet it is so layered. Everything is so important down to the music choice aaaaagh. I don't even pretend to analyse everything in his lore like contractor, memory loss, head aches and ect.

I just love it. It's marvelous.

Cucuhalo is toxic- And what I think Cucurucho's intentions are.

Firstly, we've learned time to time that cucurucho is a filthy manipulative bitch who only wants order and control and will do anything for it.

And how will he get control? Q!Bad

He's lost all his memories of the federation(to some extent) and is in a vulnerable situation, and wanting control over a rebel means knowing everything about someone to blackmail them and manipulate. So cucu chooses q!Bbh and engages interest in a romantic relationship.

Cucurucho said that he was too distracted in staring into Badboyhalo's eyes instead of the shit tubbo was facing. This may appear romantic but isn't it weird coincidence, when reset!bad was back he had piercing white eyes. Is cucurucho studying him?

I think he's trying to manipulate bad into joining the federation(quite like celbit), but hey thats just a theory a-

Something I still find really funny is how q!Tubbo wasn’t a simp at first.

He dead just wanted information, but between silly jokes and a little closer meaning into flower language, he’s ass fell head over heels for someone who canonically wasn’t fucking able too feel human emotion.

The sweet thing about though, is that Fred learned. He learned how to feel, unwilling, but he eventually decided it was good enough to accept. He learned to love.

Now he’s dead. He’s deader than anything. And Tubbo has to deal with it. He hasn’t cried, why cry over something that already happened? He has a daughter now, and whatever little progress he did make in the health department went completely downhill and crashed in a river of grief.

He can’t let himself feel the coldness of it, not when he has the sun of his life beaming down on him. Yet, he still refusing to change of those clothes, so he can use it as fuel to get the jump on anyone who dares hurt whatever he has left.

To Tubbo? Fred is dead, and now it’s time to figure out what to do.

Low key, kinda want him to stay dead. I know that makes a 2/2 dead husband streak for c!Tubbo(s) but shit, it’s either that or we get brainwashed Fred who gets memory wiped and treats Tubbo coldly. Which, I also kinda what ngl.

oh im gonna be SO annoying about bbh in a minute. i keep saying the same thing over and over again but his character is too fucking complex motherfucker is like:

"i'm a demon who is 11,000 years old and i refuse to acknowledge that im a demon nor that i do bad things (like steal furniture) but i will help people every chance i get despite saying im going to stop doing that and i am going to devote my life to protecting these fragile little eggs even though i know im going to lose them one day because i love them too much (and i know i can do that and it will one day be okay, because i have an immortal diamond to keep me company even if he isn't here now). when my friend throws himself beneath the spokewheel of the federation i will be there, bitter about my loss, but i will not start a revolution until he proves he deserves one. i will do what i can to safeguard his system against corruption because i am afraid the federation will use him to hurt us. i know he doesn't want to hurt us. he keeps hurting me. he is isolated by our distrust in him and he is still working hard to try to be a good person in an inherently corrupt system that cannot be fixed so i will build him a statue. i will not kill him when he takes a picture of me in the presidential chair (that was almost mine) and puts it on his wall and calls me 'employee of the month.' i didn't do all of that work for the federation i did it for him like i do it for others because they are my friends. i will exhaust every option i have to build a reason to NOT start a revolution. to not kill him. because i have to say that i tried. i feel like i have made so many compromises. i have held myself back to try to find reason. i will still remove his access to my base. when the island turns against me and he locks me in a cage for a crime i did not commit, i will remove everyone's access (except for my family the french and my family the eggs). i am having fun. when the eggs appear the next day with cracks and dirty shells i will worry, but i know they're strong. they'll be okay. (when i find my son's secret lab and his unethical experiments that cause him harm i will be proud because he has done what i do. he has helped. i want him to be safe but we are never safe and i trust him more than anyone else. i know now, and i can help him be safe.) when the eggs go missing i will be silent. i will look for them, and i will destroy for them, and i will bargain for them, and i will cry for them, and i will not accept their loss. when my friend who is president who once built a safehouse that saved my eggs' lives is finally damaged by the federation (like i knew he would be when he became president) and he starts to hurt people by pushing the same treatment onto them i will not be surprised. i will be surprised when he tries to marry me. i will not blame him (much) when he tries to kill me. our children are missing. he is forced to pretend that his is not. i wish i could too. i will not tell him yes or no because i need an open avenue to manipulate him (because to save him i will have to manipulate him). i will not marry him because he is out of his mind. i have said marriage is overrated. i have also said that i want to live with him in a house with our kids and my skeppy. when he tells me that he wants to be happy with me i will still say 'aw' because it is the most genuine thing he has said to me and i miss my friend. i will still try to kill him. i fail to kill him with someone else's plan. i don't place a block to lock him in place. i hesitate. it doesn't matter if it's on purpose because the next plan works. i will reveal an item that could destroy me to my closest allies (and tubbo) because it will let us save him. we save him. when he kills himself 18 times over i back away from the explosion in surprise and then step close again. while i have grieved i have thrown myself into mines. it doesn't matter. i am numb and want to feel something. everything has lost colour. we save him.

i visit federation workers and ask them about my eggs and they do not tell me anything. i know they are lying. i visit the graveyard to talk to my lost eggs. i have lost all of the eggs. i do not know how to save them. i lay in the mud. it rains and rain signifies the monster has returned to kill my children but my children are not here and so i do not care. when i go home i will become so angry and i will go down to my basement (which i have locked like my friend locked the entrance to his greatest fantasy. we are so alike and our delusions are different. he child was real; here is the secret to finding my children) where i have locked a federation worker away. i will not wash away the blood stains.

i am also part-time grim reaper and i only ever dress up in robes to make people drink more water."

Watching Bagi and Etoiles handling Badboyhalo yesterday, starting with the comedy and violence in their attempts to restore his memory, before easing off the pressure as the bit doesn’t end and is proving to not be a bit at all, and ending up firm but careful and kind in their handling of him.

There’s trauma there. Certainly some from Purgatory, certainly some self-inflicted injuries, and no doubt physical issues from both before and after this latest island excursion. There is most certainly some level of avoidance here, a retreat into his mind to avoid facing what comes next as self-preservation instincts finally kick in. Say what you will but being trapped in his own head is going to be a far worse prison than the Quesadilla or Purgatory Islands - I’m sure there are many who don’t think that’s punishment enough for “what he did”, but I don’t think there’s much worse than the erosion of self this way.

I originally had a more personal anecdote to end this post with. But it cut a little too close to the bone, and I don’t want to presume for what BadBoyHalo has in store for his character as he works through the mental web q!BBH has become tangled in on returning to a presumed “safe” location. But I do think that empathy will prove the means by which his friends will help him accept what has happened, what they as a group and he as an individual have done, and face what he has to do next. Whatever that might be.

q!Bad is not normal right now.

he is getting super tunnel vision obsessed on killing way more than he would normally- this is Mr. “I have a B plan for my B plan’s B plan” which he always did on the island. always the most overprepared. now in purgatory he’s been rushing in with barely a plan?? strange.

he is making purposeful choices to get more kills in situations where doing so wouldn’t be a good idea, and making himself out to be the prime enemy, to the detriment of himself and even to the detriment of his team. this has been causing ghosties to freak out.

q!bad insisting to q!pac today that he is going to continue going absolutely cutthroat merciless on everyone, even his closest friends. because the eggs will die if he doesn’t…

It’s been 5 days of me watching this happening, and it’s become sooo obvious that this is not normal behavior for the character. something is very wrong with him and it’s getting worse. cc!bad is doing a great job roleplaying a character who is actively losing their mind and becoming a murderous monster on a rampage.

^ this was only my strong speculation- and then cc!bad liked this tweet:

yeah that’s a confirmation :)

Hi, you reblogged me with a lore dump about Q! Tubbo and you mentioned that you'd be willing to do a character analysis? Please, I'm invested at this point

Ahhhhh omg hi! I can't believe you came back for more lol. You shall soon be a qtubbo stan like the rest of us.

I do want to preface this by saying that this is my personal lore interpretation so it's subjective. So many people have great analyses of his character, so I recommend watching a couple streams or looking at the tag for a broad scope as well!

That being said...

I think the best word to describe qtubbo is loss.

He was brought to the island having already lost parts of himself he didn't know. Through his time on the island, he lost respect, credibility, friends, family, teammates, nieces and nephews, penpals, godkids, mentors, and himself. He never had something he didn't end up losing, whether by choice or force. He loses what matters most to him, yet he continues giving his all to everyone he meets.

He came to the island with loss and no sense of who he was or where he came from, yet he spent all of his time for the benefit of others. He worked day and night so that other people wouldn't experience the loss of what he could prevent such as items or supplies. He never wanted anyone to experience what he experienced, even when they were the ones perpetuating it.

No one ever cared about him unless it was for a reason. His relationships were transactional and needed to be because who would ever care for someone with no firm sense of self or where you came from? When he couldn't provide a transaction of care, he made himself useful, he became indispensable so that even if people didn't like him for him, they could use his skills until they didn't need him anymore.

The only time he actually felt that someone cared for him, just to care about him, was Fred. Fred had no emotions, no sense of self, and no past to speak of. Fred was someone who had no reason to hate or use Tubbo because Fred was like Tubbo. Fred was the first person who could care for Tubbo because he wanted to, and not because of his use or someone's sense of responsibility.

Losing Fred meant losing the one person who cared about him without strings attached. Anyone else only cared about him because he was useful, a leader, an engineer, a neighbor, a business partner, a babysitter, someone to steal from, or just someone to poke fun at. Until Sunny.

With Sunny, Tubbo knew better than to expect her to stay with him. He learned from his past that he doesn't deserve something as wonderful as Sunny, that he can only love and wait until she is ripped away too. If he wasn't good enough to keep Fred, why on earth would he be even partially enough for Sunny.

He mourned her loss the day he got her. He knew he wasn't the best for her, he wasn't anywhere close to what Sunny deserved, but he did his best regardless and loved her more than life itself. Sunny became his tether and the only reason for him to stay alive. Sunny needed him like he needed Sunny. Sunny was the only reason he kept himself alive after Fred's funeral. Through the jeers, through the belittlement, through the disregard for his feelings, Sunny was there and provided him with enough purpose to keep going.

Fit and Pac dating made his only sense of security start to crumble. The two people he figured would stick by his side were moving along without him. They wouldn't need him in their life because they would need each other. They don't need his friendship anymore, his usefulness has worn itself out. He doesn't see them extending a hand to him as they step forward because he's too focused on the empty voids in his past where others should be.

He tries to break them up, and even if they hate him, he can rationalize that he did it for the right reasons. They may hate him but they're stuck with him, kicking and screaming by his side. Everyone tells him that he needs to find Fred, that he's projecting his romantic life onto theirs. In reality, he is too scared of leaving the island the exact way he started, with nothing to his name and no one by his side.

His character is such a battle between what he wants to do and what he feels that he needs to do. His entire run through purgatory was fighting others for eggs that weren't even his. He spends his days working on projects for other people and picking apart his failures when others can only see his success. He works tirelessly so that Sunny won't ever understand what it's like to be underestimated, beaten down, mischaracterized, and alone. Even if the world is against them, he will be in her corner to fight until his dying breath.

He loves so deeply and so purely. He tries to compensate for the lack of it that he has received after giving it away to whoever asks. He is depressed, anxious, and on alert. He has gone through trials and events with his head high and carrying the weight of others on his shoulders. He loves and he gives and continues to even when the people he gives his love to throw it to the side.

He has people in his corner, but his fear of them leaving has already made them vanish in his mind. He's a killer and a father. An engineer and a friend. A penpal and an adversary. He is loss and he is love.

The more I think about Dapper, the more depressed I become. I've been tuning in and out of today's stream, but as far as I know, Dapper hasn't mentioned/questioned anything about Bad's appearance so far even though it's pretty fucking obvious it's literally so hard to miss :((

Dapper is most definitely trying to ignore his dad's ever worsening condition because I think a part of her knows- he's worked with soul vultures before; he knows how fatal they are. But he doesn't want to acknowledge Bad's state right now.

Maybe if she tries to ignore it, it'll just go away. Maybe this is all just an elaborate nightmare he'll wake up from in the morning. Maybe it will turn out ok and it won't be real after all. Maybe everything will be fine. Right?

But we all know the inevitability and futileness of it all.

Who is going to take care of Dapper when Bad is gone? Realistically, Dapper is going to be taken care of- they would be insane to let an egg die- and Dapper still has Pomme and Richas. But other than the late night trio, nobody truly understands Dapper the way Bad did.

Dapper is super strong with all her weapons and endless collections of mobs, and that's how most people perceive her, but there are moments of vulnerability that nobody else really sees. There are moments where Dapper just let's herself be Bad's baby, but nobody knows that- nobody else understands that because Dapper needs to be strong and grown up for his siblings and all his other loved ones.

He can't let himself cry, grieve, or panic about his dad dying because realistically, he is all his dad has right now. It's always been Dapper and Bad against the world. Now it's just Dapper.