hey have y'all seen the game A Little To The Left. yes the cute little organizational game with the cat. i need to tell you about my interpretation of the game A Little To The Left. I'm going fucking crazy.

ok. I think your cat died and you are busying yourself with organizing as a distraction. chapter 1 starts with fixing a lone picture frame of your cat. level two is putting its toys in a basket, with no actual way of organizing it, and the cat itself is nowhere to be seen. yes you see it intermittently after this, when it comes in to ruin the progress you made, but in chapter one your cat isn't the focal point at all and you never see it in full, not until the last chapter, and in the last chapter things are going kinda Unreality, things are moving between picture frames and you can Unmelt candles and move shadows. I think the cat might not actually be there and you’re just getting more In Your Thoughts.

every now and then, in the beginning, when it ruins what you organized, you move on. you don't fix it. playing through I thought that was weird considering the the whole game being about Organizing and Being Very Particular About It. I think you Just Leave because you remember your cat and you need a New distraction. I also think this might be why some of the things you’re organizing don’t make a lot of sense like the tool kit one or organizing your breakfast on your plate like That.

but your cat becomes more of a focus as it progresses, with levels increasingly centered around it/ its presence, but I think it’s more about how you’ve been putting off Really Dealing With it’s absence, like cleaning up the paw prints, like they’ll never leave any more after you finally clean them up.

In the last level of the fourth chapter, you wipe off a flower vase and pick up the flowers to look nice and alive again, then the shadow of your cat looks over them and the flowers die again and it’s implied the cat broke the vase. I Feel Like This Is Your Character. using cleaning/organizing as a distraction to feel normal before remembering your cat and grieving its death all over again. Chapter five starts with picking up the pieces of that broken flower vase.

to rehash what I said about moving to a new distraction when you think about your cat, there’s a level in the fifth and last chapter where when it messes up what you’ve done at your computer space, fix it and you carry on with the level, you don’t leave immediately after. you make constellations of your cat in the sky in one of them. the third to last level is just. petting your cat. the very last level is building a tower for your cat to climb up to the moon. your cat is in the sky. Your Cat Is In The Sky. Do You Hear Me. i think it’s about Organizing Of Course but also quietly about learning to move on from your cat’s death. i could be making this Entirely up but i just finished the game with my sibling and that was the impression I got with the moon thing and everything Now put in perspective and I've convinced my sibling of this and we're Crying

SEASON 3 TRAILER DROPPED HERES MY THOUGHTS (LN spoilers)

BROTHER AND SISTER OF ALL TIME THEYRE SO CUTE <3 love seeing how their relationship has progressed from beako literally throwing him out a window for stuff like this to her happily playing along its so so so so so cute. genuinely just one of the cutest and sweetest dynamics in the series

hi ram roswaal and fred :) this is probably all we're going to really see of you guys this arc lol

JOSHUA REAL!!!!! but not for long (also otto in the bg foreshadowing all the drinking hes about to do this arc. hes so stressed. poor emilia is trying her best)

julius looks so babyfaced here? they really emphasized his long eyelashes just like subaru has been on about every time he mentions him. they better include the scene where he checks him out, like, if they dont animate subaru looking dead at this mans ass im going to riot

i LOVE this shot of ana. you can really tell shes up to some corrupt capitalist bullshit as we speak. love her for that. wish i had this pic when i made that one money game anastasia video

the red dress actually does look really good on crusch like it compliments the green hair really well but also the crusch we know would not walk around in such a thing so its like. damn looks like the "memories are an important part of identity" story thinks memories are an important part of identity. who knew.

ALSO LOVE FELTS NEW LOOK SO MUCH! the only complaint is i felt (felt lol) like the red brought out her eyes more but the blue also looks cool. three primary colors all being used looks nice too

whatever who cares about all that THE CUNT!!!!!!! THE CUNT IS HERE!!! I CANNOT WAIT FOR ALL THE DRAMA SHE CAUSES TO BE ANIMATED FOR REAL

no fucking way... did they actually...

THEY DID! THEY CENSORED THAT HORRIBLE FUCKING DESIGN OH MY GOD. SHES WEARING SHORTS AND JUST A CROPPED SHIRT. AND CHAPS I GUESS? BUT ALSO A LITTLE SKIRT CAPE SO NO ASS SHOTS... THIS WILL MAKE WATCHING THE SEASON SO MUCH MORE TOLERABLE. i mean not perfect but STILL.

photos taken seconds before disaster lmfao. i still love how chin thinks subaru is a freak and weirdo for being so buddy buddy with him after he and his buddies mugged him. twice. (even more times from subarus perspective. hell he stabbed subaru once) genuinely cant wait to see more of this dynamic its so stupid.

THE FUCKING CUNT!!!!!! also the apples lol

oh you poor thing. you have no idea what next level family drama bullshit awaits. good luck. get ready to kill grandma AGIAN lol

:'( emilia still misses her terrible cat dad and its kinda sad when you know were not getting a resolution on that here either. they both look so sad :(

i cannot wait for garf mommy issues round fucking 2.

THIS CRAZY BITCH!!! I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS CRAZY BITCH ANIMATED. I CANT WAIT TO SEE HOW THEYRE PORTRAY HER MANNERISMS. ESP W HOW WILD PETELGEUSE WAS ANIMATED IN S1. REAL LOONY TOONS BULLSHIT. AND HER POWERS ARE ALSO SOOOOOO MUCH COOLER I CANT WAIT

NO MORE DRESSES FOR CRUSCH YAY

he fucking bit it. yeah i guess thats what dogs do tho.

YOU. DIVORCE MAN. KILL YOURSELF. SLASH SERIOUS.

the empathy powers will have a glowing eye effect. very cool but i hope they dont show it too much in the first scene bc like in the LN i think its cooler if you dont know why everything is so... Wrong.

i dont rly have anything to say i just think ferris looks cool covered in blood. imagine being healed here like doctor catgirl will see you now

emilia be nice. that crazy bitch might be your mom. just like how the previous crazy bitch was in fact your dad.

THEY CHANGED UP CAPELLA'S DESIGN TOO honestly tho her being sexualized makes sense w a lot of the themes (the way its intentionally meant to be perverse and gross in a way explicitly stated) so i didnt mind as much and she still IS here but. this is still an improvement imo just a better outfit looks cooler. bug.

NAUR I DONT WANNA WAIT... OCTOBER.... AUGH

I'm rereading gallagher girls and can I just say I'd Tell You I'd Love You But Then I'd Have to Kill You is so funny if you think about it from Josh's perspective.

Like you're just vibing at a fair and then all the sudden you see a girl reaching her hand into a trashcan to grab a soda bottle, you make eye contact and the first thing she says is "I have a cat." You have a silly little conversation about her cat who loves bottles, and learn she is homeschooled for religious reasons and then you leave thinking she's cute.

Then you run into her a few more times including at outside your neighbors surprise party, that she claims she was going to but then never enters. You ask this girl how to keep in touch because you like her, and she says no phone or email, leave notes in this wall instead???? You try to figure out what church this "homeschooled for religious reasons and doesn't have a phone" girl goes to and you have no idea.

You start dating her-still messaging through the wall- she never lets you take her home, she gets really confused when you give her a present on her birthday, almost like she forgot it was her birthday?

Then your friend claims that your girlfriend isn't actually homeschooled, she actually goes to the super exclusive boarding school for rich girls in your home town. When you catch her outside the school, she breaks up with you, claiming she was bored and that's why she dated you and then she IMMEDIATELY GETS KIDNAPPED.

So you do what any normal person would do, you call the cops. you try and rescue her and she's mad about it??? Claims it was a school thing??? And now she's fighting people off and ziplinning away while saying she never had a cat???

So your next rational move is to steal a forklift and drive it through the wall to save your girlfriend from whatever craziness she's involved in.

Then you're taken back to the boarding school, learn its actually a school for spies, your girlfriend is a spy and has lied to you about every single detail about herself, even down to her birthday and her dad being dead. Literally nothing you know about this girl except for her first name is true, and you've been dating for months.

And then her mom gives you special tea that makes you forget everything since she dumped you and you immediately start dating your girl best friend.

Like this poor man lmao

vecna feeds off will's pain and weakness. he's not getting to him the way he got to max or chrissy. vecna has been using will's feelings and trauma against him since the beginning. the weaker will is, the stronger he gets. the thing is, mike makes will feel strong, therefore, he's an obstacle to vecna.

"you make her feels like she's not a mistake at all, like she's better for being different" will needs mike. losing mike would mean losing the one person that gives him the courage to fight on. he would be completely defenceless without him. it would make him an easy target again.

vecna wants will. he's used him and targeted him since season one. he also knows it was mike who saved him, over and over again. vecna knows mike is the one who figures him out first. mike knows about will's connection to the upside down, probably better than anyone (besides el). what if vecna was making things clear for mike, and mike only for a reason? what if he knew from the beginning that mike was the key to his plan? will's connection to the mindflayer is the key to his overall connection to the upside down. a connection mike cracked. mike knew will was a spy. mike knew what would bring will back. he cracked will's true sight.

vecna's been getting to mike since the beginning. mike being the dm, mike missing will getting caught by the demogorgon, mike realizing about the mindflayer using will as a spy, mike's connection to both el and will. he's the key to the people he wants the most - will and el. in s4, he got to nancy of all people. nancy saw the truth behind his story, she now knows vecna's trauma. she's seen his perspective and heard victor's. nancy is a connection to mike AND will (through jonathan). mike was dead in nancy's vision. what if that's vecna's plan? vecna isn't going directly after will, he's going after mike.

henry and will have similarities. vecna chose someone he could relate to, someone he could understand and trick and use. that way he could use will's own feelings, thoughts, and trauma against him. he knows some of the things will went through because he experienced them himself. he's establishing a connection to everyone surrounding him. "he's a sensitive kid" is a clear example, a line both victor creel and joyce said to refer to henry and will.

the weaker will is, (losing in s1, being taken to the upside down, being physically weak in s2, being possessed by the mindflayer, being defenceless in the theater, the rain fight with mike, the battle in s3, feeling like a mistake, past trauma, being back in hawkins in s4) the stronger vecna gets. he gains power over will when he's in pain, scared or defenceless. many of these moments come from moments with mike, too.

vecna, without mike in hawkins, started his attacks. mike is, in a way, the heart of the group. he's the one keeping them safe. their paladin. he's the main reason why el and will succeeded against vecna. having el, will, and mike away meant vecna had a free path and it would be easier for him to get what he wanted. mike being away meant the party (and hawkins) were defenceless.

"the silver cat feeds when blue meets yellow in the west". vecna is stronger when mike is away, he's stronger when mike flies west to meet will.

mike's always been there to protect will. he will be there to protect him in season 5 too, so vecna knows he needs to get through him to get to will. we'll get the original party back together. they will fight together - hints coming from the painting.

will is not strong enough now. he feels like a mistake. he's weak. he's not prepared to fight him again. but mike, who "gives him the courage to fight on", is the key to will's strength. will's painting and his feelings, being back in hawkins, revisiting the places he left behind, it's all hinting towards will's coming of age. a coming of age that will include him coming to terms and accepting who he is. it's him gaining his strength back. and it's mike who's going to be one of the main keys to this. mike, who's will's best friend, mike, who will is in love with, mike, who's been there all along, more than anyone.

to defeat vecna, will's strength will come from love. from being loved. that's what saved him in the first place, that's what will save him again. it's will being vecna's exact opposite, fighting to reshape the upside down, to save hawkins and the people he loves, will fighting to save himself. it's love that will be vecna's biggest threat.

✩ WEEKLY FIC ROUND-UP ✩

Been a while since I did one of these but eh.

Skulduggery Pleasant

And The Darkness Rained Upon Them by MaidOfDarkness

It's a Skulduggery Pleasant time travel fix it. There are Skulduggery Pleasant fanfics? You may well ask. There are. Congratulations. This one's particularly good and I love time travel fix its so it really hits all my buttons at once.

You'll take care of it, alright? by JinxAnn

Valkyrie (13) got sick during a mission with Skulduggery, so he drops her off at his place. Leaving it to his friends to look after her, while he's working and probably just avoiding a situation he's not comfortable with. Meanwhile each of the dead men adds to the chaos, until one of them decides to save them all.

BNHA

The Democratic Republic of One for All by featherlessquill (CinnamonScribbles)

It's decided then, says First. I'm transferring the quirk. For the record, this is a terrible idea. Third slumps back in his seat. There's an abrupt shift in perspective, and now they're back on the rooftop with the kid. I hate democracy. This from Eigth's shadow. Or. The vestiges democratically elect the next One for All user. They do not inform All Might of their decision.

Star Wars

Biting His Own Tale by ADragonsFriend

Darth Vader time travel fix it to his prequel era body. I love how it handles the symptoms of his trauma from outsider perspectives. I love how redemptive it is, like it satisfies all those cravings for Darth Vader to put in the work to earn his redemption, earn peace for the galaxy he helped oppress. In the movies it makes sense that it's Luke who puts in the work because his father's already so lost in the darkness, but here we see an Anakin whose found his way back to the light thanks to Luke getting through to him (so that effort wasn't for nothing) while also getting Darth Vader vs The War That Ruined His Life/The World.

Not a Karking Jedi by 786

" You killed Jedi ! " " They tried to take my baby daughter " " Great power in the Force, you and your children have " " And they will not join your order of slavers, they will not have their freedom to feel emotion and have families stripped " " We do not enslave !. Your children will make great additions to the Order " " Do I get to be in their lives ? " " Attachment is forbidden ! " " And your presence is forbidden near MY children

DC Comics

dead man's party by TheResurrectionist

This fics a long time fave. Jason can see ghosts, a typical trope but taken to the fantastic extreme with how it handles Martha his jewish grandmother haunting him and explicates on all the ways that could effect him and his life. I especially loved the moments when mannerisms he's absorbed from being around her give Bruce and Alfred the grief/nostalgia. The latest update was hilarious.

Naruto

The New Recruit by butter_peanut

He looked like a particularly stupid civilian. He looked like a sharp burst of wind would blow him over. He looked like he’d answered their advertisement thinking the Akatsuki was a cat appreciation society. “Are you kidding?” said Hidan, voicing what everyone was thinking. “This guy is supposed to replace Sasori and Deidara?” “Sukea is qualified,” Pein said in a tone that brooked no arguments. “And will be paired with Tobi.”

Kagura by lulu_lisbon

It's a naruto self-insert but the mc is legitimately such a freak. And not in a crack way. Compelling. Wish there were 20 more chapters so I could more fully hurl myself into the abyss of her personality.

The Sage Who Leapt Through Time by SarthakBikramPanta

Naruto time travel fix it with spirit world/youkai content for flavour. I don't dig the main ship but the plot itself is fantastic and I really like the writing.

tired to his very bones by cheshire_carroll

“You killed Izuna!” Madara snarls, as if Izuna’s death is a heinous, unspeakable crime, instead of just another one of the countless casualties of war. Usually, Tobirama would remain icily silent on this matter– he may be an “ice-cold bastard” at the best of times, but he does possess enough heart to be kind, even to his once-enemies. Usually, he is functioning on more sleep.

Understanding Does Not Presage Peace by Karmic Acumen (Karmic_Acumen)

One of my current favourite reads. Follows the story of a self-insert who's reincarnated as a normal Konoha civilian whose family was killed by the kyuubi. Lore! Fantasy Science! Entertaining dialogue! A banger of a title that gets more apt the farther you are into the fic. Definitely recommend.

Hear the Silence by EmptySurface

I went from being someone who never read self-inserts and assumed they were all badly written/written for the author not the audience as a rule, to someone who reads my fair share of them and this fic is definitely a significant reason why. Kyo is an assassin with a poison specialty and she's a great character in her own right, seeing her live and grow is so fun and interesting. Really well written. I love reading this fic.

Death Note

Back Again by Brenna1918

Time travel fix it with L/Light as the ship. On the one level this fic sucks because Kira keeps being justified in-fic and I absolutely do not believe in the death penalty, whether as a cautionary thing to make people 'too afraid' to commit serious crimes or as a punishment, especially to the level it's used in Japan. The justice system will invariably punish those from impoverished or under-privileged backgrounds more often and more severely than the reverse, similarly Kira's justice fails to take into account societal pressures that underpin high crime rates; and dismisses the value and necessity of reformative justice despite the fact light himself is reforming himself somewhat from what he was. On the other hand this fic is so fun! It's well written, it's silly, it brings back the vibes of the original death note and respects the side characters while not being afraid to deviate drastically. Also the L/Light ship writing is A++++ content, it's so funny and lovely. This is a fantastic romance centred time travel fix it so far. Very entertaining read.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

i'll come crashing by ohmygodwhy

A:TLA au. Zuko and his boyfriend Jet (derogatory) spend 45k doing a mating dance around each other's identities and psychological issues. I am obsessed with this fic but in like, an unhealthy way, I shouldn't be reading this. But I'm gonna. Summary: Li's scar is suddenly all Jet can think about. The scar, the scar, the old man’s hot hands warming his tea like he thought he could get away with firebending in the middle of a crowd. or: After getting to know Li on the ferry, Jet sees Mushi heat his tea. Instead of assuming Li is also a firebender, Jet assess the situation and comes to a rather different conclusion.

One Piece

see hope rise with the tide by Origamidragons

“If you’re looking for Arlong, he’s inside,” she says, pointing at the monstrous building. Jinbe doesn’t look away from her, from the bruise over her eye. She can’t be older than thirteen or fourteen. Her fingers are worn red and raw. As he watches, a drop of blood drips to the ground. A girl, with reddish hair and exhausted eyes and a ragged, forced smile, and it’s Koala but it’s not. (Jinbe goes to check in on his brother, and finds some things that need to be set right.)

This Bites! by Xomniac

One piece self insert. I was giving this a reread. It's a bit too punch and judy in the humour sometimes for my tastes but this is a fantastic and very creative fic. I love how it explores how different things could've gone for certain crew-mates with the right encouragement and I love how it handles Cross (the mc)'s knowledge of the future and how he can use it to benefit the crew without spoiling the sense of adventure. It's a very epic read and lots of cool events happen. Plot-driven with a lot of respect for Oda's world-building. The way it handles the female characters (with the exception of granny kokoro who absolutely did not deserve to be body-shamed no matter her age and whose treatment upset me a lot actually) is also nice if not perfect, they all get stronger in a believable way and don't get perved on as much. Their character growth is really great. And I also like how it handles fight scenes, which are very easy to imagine clearly based on the descriptions. A very cool fic. I crave the sequel.

MARVEL

Choking on Sunlight by issuedSideways

Tony Stark centric. Platonic Hanahaki. Hanahaki Disease was distinctive enough that even Tony could recognize it. He’d heard of it, he just hadn’t ever thought it could happen to him. It was the sort of thing he associated with lovesick melodrama, more fitting for a cheesy telenovela plot than real life. At sixteen, he felt far too old for that sort of thing. And more importantly, he wasn’t in love with anyone.

tempo(ral) by dakhtar

Tony Stark's last memory is of the sceptre touching his chest, the alien metal clinking delicately against the glass surface of his arc reactor, and Loki's triumphant face. His next memory is waking up in Siberia, bruised and confused, with FRIDAY apparently his AI and Rhodey - Rhodey! - in a wheelchair. (The sceptre does nothing. Except it does everything. Tony Stark's eyes turn blue, but only until he flies a nuke through a portal. And then--)

Something About Us - Chapters 1-5 Fic Meta

Now we're 5 chapters in I wanted to give my thoughts on the chapters released so far! I'm not sure how long this fic will be and instead of releasing an insanely long post at the end I thought I'd break it up into chunks.

Even broken up, this is still quite a long post, so I'll include it under a cut.

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Chapter by Chapter Thoughts

Chapter 1

I LOVE the raid. I love listening to the Sting audio files from Kingdom archives (if you've listened to it you'll recognise the dialogue from this chapter) and I think it's fascinating to think about Fade, who's normally so careful, making such a colossal mistake of inviting a strike team to essentially come kick her ass. She's strong, but it was an idiotic idea to try take on an entire Valorant team by herself. That said, she did almost get away, and would have done if it weren't for KAY/O.

I really wanted this fic to focus on the development of their entire relationship, from the very beginning. I wanted to show this ugly start and how bad things were at the beginning because I think that's important for showing how far they end up going as they grow and learn together. That's juicy stuff!! Their suffering is seasoning!!

I think Fade must have been at the end of her rope to slip up as badly as she did. I hope I got this across well enough - she skipped dinner to have a cigarette instead, she was behaving recklessly, brushing off danger and just assuming she could handle it, etc. I wanted to show that she messed up this badly because she was falling apart, not because she makes bad plans generally. I think, deep down, part of her knew that she'd fail, but she was almost hoping she'd lose after so long fighting and chasing dead ends. At least that would give her results, even if they were deadly ones.

I slightly changed things from canon in this chapter. Fade was held for about a week and while we know that in canon, Brimstone told the agents after a day that they'd captured her, in this fic I wanted it kept a secret from the majority of them until she was hired. I thought this made more sense from a storytelling perspective - it gave Neon some additional conflict in having to hide this secret from her friends, and also I think it makes more sense for them to keep Fade on the down low until they knew what they were doing with her. Letting all the agents know they were desperate, short on sleep, and terrified would have been a bigger risk than they needed, but keeping Fade a secret gave them time to adjust and decide what to do without the pressure of the entire Protocol reeling over her being there.

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Chapter 2

The interrogation was a lot of fun. Again, the dialogue was taken from the official audio and you may recognise it if you've listened to it!

I really love Cypher and Fade's relationship. I picture it a little like a father-daughter relationship, although admittedly a one-sided one. Cypher wouldn't admit that he kind of sees Fade like his daughter, but a dad's a dad even if he left his family. I imagine he saw this woman looking like a wet cat born in a cardboard box after expecting someone imposing and terrifying, and his response was essentially "oh, yep, this one's mine, I'm protecting her from now on". I think Fade would resent the idea of being cared for at first, but I'm looking forward to showing their relationship developing. I wanted to showcase Cypher's care for her through things like him bringing her drinks and trying to make them interesting since he knew how bored she must have been, holding back on the caffeine when he saw she wasn't sleeping, etc. It's definitely a little invasive and Fade thinks it's patronising, but it comes from a genuine place of caring about her.

I don't think Fade's apology to the Protocol was long and I don't think she grovelled. I don't think she's the kind of person to really care what they think about her. She's there to get a job done and to find him, and they don't need to like her to do their jobs well. She explained briefly that she made a mistake and wouldn't do it again, and she doesn't give a shit if they can't accept that. In her eyes, they're adults who need to get over it. It doesn't really make her arrival much easier on the others, but she doesn't care about coddling them.

I think Fade walking through the portal to Omega must have been a harrowing experience. To suddenly feel the terror of an entire city crashing down on you all at once must be crushing, and I imagine Fade likely had a panic attack because of it. She took so long to return not because she needed that long to scout, but because it took her quite some time to get her bearings before she could do her job properly. She wasn't friends with any of them and so didn't want to talk about it, but she left a detailed report, like we saw in her voicemail to Brimstone after she travelled there. In that voicemail I believe she also hinted at Lotus's existence, which is why she started looking for Harbor behind the scenes at this point. Her looking for him is kept on the down low until later, but the signs are visible if you keep an eye out for them.

Neon and co ate shrimp pizza while waiting for Fade to return because I absolutely love it and was craving it when I wrote this chapter. I also have pet shrimps... does that make me a monster? Maybe. I can't help it, shrimp is tasty.

Omega Reyna tormented Neon using her insecurities, which she knows are there. I have a lot of hcs about Omega Fade and Neon which I'll be touching on in the future in a dedicated Omega Earth fic, but one of them is that Omega Neon is having a much, much worse time than Alpha Neon. Reyna has seen Omega Neon's power and sees Alpha Neon's reluctance in comparison, and she thinks it's pathetic how hesitant she is to let herself be used as a weapon. Alpha Neon on the other hand resents this idea, and so it was a pretty horrible distraction that ultimately led to her injury.

Neon breaking her leg is actually an injury I've had IRL. It was pretty fun to write about my specific leg break, I don't often get the chance to talk about exact 1-1 experiences like that since most of my personal struggles are talked about through metaphor in my writing.

Astra carefully watching Fade helping Neon was a hint to her watching Fade and slowly deciding to trust her.

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Chapter 3

Neon's suppressor is something I hold very close to my heart. I see it as a metaphor for disability aids, which is very strongly hinted to in canon as Nathaniel Valdez's work on aids like her suppressor is said to have "made life livable for millions". A device that lets her go out in public and live some semblance of a normal life when previously she needed to be locked away to stop herself from hurting people... what else could that be but a disability aid? I need aids to get by as without them I'm in too much pain to sit or stand, let alone leave the house, and it means a lot to me to see a character I love needing a similar level of help.

Similarly, Neon experiencing seizures if she doesn't wear her suit due to the uncontrolled electricity in her body is also really personal to me. Without going into detail, I lost someone close to me to a seizure some time ago. I don't think seizure care and what to do in that situation or how debilitating seizures can be is talked about enough, with some pretty rampant misinformation still floating around on the internet (for example, please don't put your fingers in a seizing person's mouth even to try and clear their airway, because they can and will bite your fingers off). I focused on this a little more in one of my older fics, but it's still a headcanon I hold very close to my heart. It's a way to memorialize a lost friend and if I can spread a little awareness about seizures in the meantime, that's all the better.

Fade and Neon are starting to get used to each other. They're still on pretty bad terms, flinty and cold with each other, but they're trying in their own ways. They're showing each other respect, which is more than they need to do, and it's a start. I'm really really pleased with the pacing in this fic; it's slow and long, but I think it really benefits from it. I wanted to show these little moments and these small developments because I think they matter, and I really hope it feels as necessary to my readers as it does to me.

Neon remembers the book Fade was reading and brings it up later when she's helping her on the battlefield. This absolutely blows Fade's mind - she didn't expect anyone to care enough to remember such an insignificant detail as that.

Neon's adobo has carrots in it in this fic, which I found from a recipe online, but a Filipino friend later told me that carrots aren't typically used in adobo. My bad! Google lied to me.

Cypher calling Fade on becoming friends with Neon is essentially this meme, which I made and have a fantastic time using with my friends:

Fade's injury was actually a really important thing for Neon to see. It showed her that Fade, while frightening, was just a person like the rest of them. She might have looked imposing and might have tried to put on a scary face to discourage anyone from coming too close, but she bled and cried like the rest of them. Seeing her like that and realising that she wasn't really anyone to fear anymore was a really important step in Neon accepting her.

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Chapter 4

Similarly to how it was important for Neon to see Fade hurt, it was incredibly important for Fade to overhear Neon's conversation and to see her explicitly choosing to keep her fear hidden. Neon had every chance to gossip with her friends about how terrified Fade had been while she was injured, but she chose to protect her privacy. That was huge for Fade and was a turning point in how she approached friendship with her. This scene is also when Prowler starts to like her.

I wanted to focus a little on Neon's struggles with Reyna here. They tie again into my view of her Radiance being comparable to a disability - I write her as having Radiance that is comparable to a stigmatised and misunderstood disability, particularly an invisible one. My disability is invisible and I've been told by so many people that it's all in my head, or it can't be that bad, or it's not something I deserve to take seriously when there are other people facing worse in the world. I want to fight back against this viewpoint. My disability is invisible but I know how badly it affects me and I will not stand for disrespect about it - similarly, Neon knows how badly her Radiance affects her and she isn't going to let Chamber or Reyna pressure her into taking off her suppressor for the sake of using her abilities as a weapon. I'll talk about this theme with her later in the fic, too, and it'll be important.

Fade noticed Neon was upset, but she didn't know it was about Reyna. They're not close enough yet that she's comfortable asking her about it.

This fic is a collab with Uni, like freckle fic was, and the coffee scene/morning run was first written by Uni! I redrafted it while working on this fic but the first draft came from them.

Fade's gay. Almost every sapphic ship she's in, the other person has a big ass (Neon, Astra, Deadlock, Viper, etc). Therefore? Fade's an ass guy. Also, Neon has beautiful eyes that definitely turn golden in the sunlight, and that's on top of her being muscular and having a nice ass. Fade stood no chance.

Astra befriending Fade is a little like that one video of the dude grabbing a rat like "you're my friend now, we're getting soft tacos later". She isn't giving Fade a choice, they simply are friends now. She's watched Fade for long enough to know that she can trust her and she's decided to take her under her wing. Fade isn't sure how to feel about so many people on the Protocol essentially adopting her (first Cypher, and now Astra and Omen). I'm excited to focus more on their developing friendships! It's been super fun to focus on Fade and Neon's friends alongside their relationships with each other, as I feel like they're often overlooked in the fandom while I love them dearly.

This chapter was originally also going to include what ended up being the first scene of chapter 5, with the guitar. It ended up way too long, though, and I'm actually glad it was cut, as I think the pacing flows better this way, and the chapter's message of Fade learning to open up to the idea of friendship is stronger.

I think it's quite funny that this fic has the record for the longest it's taken them to sort their shit out. In cowboy au it took them over 70k words to kiss, in Nathan fic it was almost 80k, but in this fic, it took them 53k to even admit that they might be friends. Ridiculous. I'm having a fantastic time, though.

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Chapter 5

This chapter ended up cut short, too. It was originally going to include a couple more scenes, but I ended up diving deeper into the scenes I had and splitting the chapter in half, and I think it's much stronger for it. It feels less rushed this way and I can focus on the story beats with the appropriate amount of time given to all of them.

Finally, the homoerotic guitar playing tag has started to make sense! I'm very excited for this plotline.

Neon, trying to cover her ass after accidentally suggesting Fade might have a hobby she doesn't really have, making it worse by suggesting something worse (that she steals her pictures from Pinterest).

Fade isn't meaning to be cold in her responses to Neon. She's just generally Like That. I write her as autistic and tone is generally pretty hard for her, particularly over text. Luckily, Neon sees this, understands it, and doesn't mind.

I made a little edit of what Omen's hoodie gift looks like (it's shitty quality, but it gets the point across):

As is probably clear by now, sunrises are a pretty important motif for Fade in this fic. They're something she takes comfort in and they're starting to become a bit of a symbol of her mental health and making healthier choices, keeping social, etc. I also thought it was a nice little detail since Tala's name means Bright Star... like the sun... she's her sunrise... hehe.

Köri is here! It's actually canon that Fade has an orange cat, although I rarely see it talked about (similar to Neon and Breach having dogs, it was kind of randomly dropped but never expanded upon). Köri in my hc is a slightly chubby little bastard of a cat. You'll learn more about him later in the fic! I also want to note that I don't think those "chonky boy" cat memes are very funny and I don't want to glorify overweight pets, but Köri is a rescue and I think rescue pets like him have the right to be a little chubby. He's not overweight to an unhealthy degree, Fade takes very good care of him when she's there, but he's softer than he absolutely needs to be.

Fade's feeding him a fancy raw diet - something like this - meanwhile she lives off instant noodles and cigarettes. We know she's rich (to afford the office space we saw her in, she absolutely has to be loaded) and I imagine she spoils Köri rotten. He lives with her neighbour, Neriman Teyze (yes, like in my party rock series), and Fade sends her food and cash for him. Teyze also spoil him, but would also discipline him if he misbehaved.

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Other notes

Changes from Canon

I've mentioned some changes I made already, but I wanted ot mention some others which were less relevant.

Some things that happened in canon weren't mentioned in this fic, even if they happened during the timeline that this fic covers. Raze going to a concert and ending up on Breeze was ignored, for example. I just don't think these things would add anything to our story, even if this fic is intended to be a step-by-step of their development through the canon timeline.

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Neon, Chamber, and Reyna

I'm not focusing too hard on Neon's beef with Chamber in this fic, choosing instead to focus more on her conflict with Reyna. There are a couple of reasons for this.

I think Chamber is demonised way, way too much in this fandom for very little reason (people base their dislike of him off of other fan depictions, and those don't seem to be based in canon at all when canon Chamber is generally very polite to people and actively grows from his mistakes), and I strongly dislike the "haha ew, French" jokes that people make about him. I don't think jokes like that are funny and frankly, I think they do more harm than good. I've seen them and similar jokes about England and Germany etc affecting irl people's empathy for people from those countries. I've seen people laughing about people in England freezing to death in their homes thanks to our energy crisis and saying things like "serves them right for being English", and jokes like this "haha france" meme are absolutely not helping this lack of empathy people are developing. I do not want to contribute to that.

Also, Chamber has apologised for the way he treated Neon, which is more than I can say for Reyna. For all we know, Reya is still actively trying to undermine Neon's authority over her own body. We know from Chamber that she sees Neon as a "young mind to corrupt", and Reyna has consistently shown that she values Neon's power over her autonomy and her choice to keep her suppressors on, which she has expressed extremely clearly at this point. As such, I think her conflict with Reyna is far more important than her conflict with Chamber.

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Music

I've posted it before, but for anyone who hasn't seen it, here's the playlist for this fic!

Like many of my past fic playlists, it's arranged in chronological order of the story, so do with that information what you will.

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Thank you so much for reading! I'm absolutely loving working on this fic and I'm so, so excited to show you where they're going next. I think you'll enjoy it 👀

I need to ramble about Yomiel real quick (he's been living in my head rent free 💥)

usually I don't like villains who do bad things just because their backstory is tragic but Yomiel is different, he's.. very balanced in both sides? I'm not sure how to describe it

He was literally just some guy, did nothing wrong in his life (except, maybe that hair of his- which I am quickly growing fond of)

It all spiraled when he accepted a job to help them organize the nation's secrets

But then he got accused of being spy and was threatened to ruin his life for a statement (it drove him into hopelesness.

he shouldn't have taken the gun, but it was his only 'light' at that time..

Now- from an outsider perspective one would think "oh what the fuck, why did you take her hostage" ..and hm. I still think like this LOL

but desperation and panic can influence one's behaviour, how it becomes hard to think reasonably.. especially when time is running out FAST. doesn't excuse what he did but I think it's important to know what led him to do this

And then.. oh god, him having to see his fiancee die because she wants to be with him. His cruel fate didn't let him into the afterlife (Yomiel mentioned this which either means:

1. When he didn't exactly die from the meteor shard, he knew he couldn't

Or 2. It might be that he has tried....to be with his fiancee (it didn't work))

(The fact it was mentioned that she had just died recently, knowing that if he had arrived sooner she would still be alive. That shit hurts)

yomiel only has his cat for support, a recently dead man can't have human friends. It would only lead to trouble (I mean, a guy who died from a meteor is unnatural, the news is probably in everyone's newspaper)

And it keeps. getting. WORSE. He lost his human functions! (Yomiel says this but I can't remember when) he cannot feel touch (in chapter 15 we can see him uneffected by pain) and we can guess to an extend: smell, taste, and everything else

Just numbness and loneliness, his last few moments of life was hopeless and pain.. his "unlife" is even more awful (this man can't catch a break huh?)

Imagine living like that for such a long time.. and knowing nothing will change. that he will forever spent an eternity like this.. that's bound to make anyone lose their sanity (and he most likely had lost a lot of them)

It makes sense why he was so.. angry and vengeful, he was an innocent man dragged into this. He loaths his unlife so much that he despises everything that had led him to this fate, he ends up hating the girl too (because she was there, giving him an option to take her as hostage) [<- trying to understand his perspective.. it sounds a little less selfish now, but still! not cool yomiel!]

But most importantly of why he's reaaaally angry, is because he thinks the death of his fiancee was caused by them

(Dialogues where he mentions her)

1. In the submarine with lynne

The way he tried to ignore it.. T_T

2. Coversation with jowd

Again, he avoided it.. only responding with silence

yomiel is wrong hurting many people and blaming lynne too, but when you've spent years (10 YEARS. 120 months. 3652 days. 87660 hours) without human connection.. soul welling up with negative emotions.. do you think you can still feel empathy towards other human beings? after all the things that happened as well?

(Maybe- but if it was me I'd be too blinded by hate, and that's probably what yomiel feels too.. ah of course his dwindling sanity only made it worse)

So when Lynne sympathize with him, cried for him, he DECIDED his revenge was over

One of the reasons of his revenge, He wanted them to feel the same pain as him ..and they did, he finally felt understood

but also. I'd like to think it's because she gave him a human connection, a connection to the living, something he hadn't felt for a long time and it came from the person he sees as an enemy

he wasn't really a bad guy, he's a man messed up in the head because of all his upbringings, lynne gave him a reminder of what it's like to have someone (and it must have been so lonely, after losing his only friend at that night)

Again- Yomiel is still accountable for the crimes he committed, it's just the events that made him become like this is so.. understandable

In the end we can't really fault any of them, I guess you can say cabanela (because he was the one who interrogated him and left the gun there)

But who would've thought that there will be a meteor crashing into the park? It's all is just really. Really. Unfortunate

It genuinely delights me so much that this man is actually getting mentally better

He most likely have guilt complex but I'm sure he'll be able to let go of it since most of his actions were undone in the new timeline

So I've been reading the story of the Brokenstar changes. How he killed his father because he could not accept losing the war, and that Tallstar was going to keep what WindClan had won in battle...

This makes me wonder, what is Tallstar going to be like in your story? How is Tallstar changing, if at all?

FANTASTIC question. I feel very, very strongly about stories that want to talk about flawed societies, and then make false dichotomies of "good people" who oppose it and "bad people" who enforce it, as if it's a Heaven vs Hell struggle that can be won in a big fell swoop.

Like all other leaders, Tallstar is subject to the wider cultural values of the four clans. He is a good man. A good leader. But an authority figure of a flawed society nonetheless.

And Raggedstar was right that Tallstar was being extremely generous with his offer. He didn't owe ShadowClan anything, by the might-makes-right values that the four Clans lived by, WindClan won the war. That aid he was providing probably would have helped ShadowClan get back on their feet.

But does that make Brokenstar wrong? What happens when the aid stops? What if WindClan does start pushing further south? How is he to know that Tallstar isn't just going to use this as leverage in future 'negotiations'? What's stopping WindClan from going further?

And think of the honor of ShadowClan. A value this culture holds highly. The casualties over two generations, the hard winters, not being able to provide for your own clan, eating garbage-stuffed rats full of disease?

If they just give up now, what was it all for?

Now let's look at this from Tallstar's perspective.

He's served under Heatherstar for years, lost dozens of their own warriors in fighting this war. They sacrificed an ancient tradition to win. Now Tallstar has inherited this legacy, Heatherstar's final gift to him is the Mothermouth Moorland.

As a clan leader, he is leading ALL of WindClan. He has cats to feed. He has supporters he has to maintain. His first act as leader is going to color how his warriors view him for years to come-- and in spite of all that, he is choosing a form of peace.

He's already losing some face to hunt for ShadowClan, the enemies they just beat, cats they've been at war with since before he was born-- why would he EVER just give up the whole moorland to ShadowClan now? After they won?

His society doesn't see winning land through warfare as wrong, they are a battle culture. That's moorland, of far more value to his people than ShadowClan. They've sacrificed for this moment, too, injuries, infection, casualties, the loss of tunneling. in a way, he is facing the same question that Brokentail is.

Turn back now, and what was all of that for?

Now you and I, as outsiders, hopefully we can see through this.

Who cares who beat who? WindClan has TAKEN ShadowClan's land. They invaded. NO ONE had to fight or die for it at all, everyone could have helped each other, they could have agreed to divide the moors between seasons; Spring and Summer when ShadowClan uses it to hunt frogs, Fall and Winter when only WindClan can chase the rabbits.

But they didn't. They had to fight for it, and now dozens are dead. It's sunk cost all the way down, stretching back longer than the main characters can even remember.

THIS is the disease at the heart of Clan Culture. THIS is the violence that drove out SkyClan, it hasn't changed! It's only gotten worse! The clans WOULDN'T change without a reckoning, either. Without Bluestar, without Firestar after her, Brokenstar is how the clans were destined to end, a bloodbath of their own making.

THIS is what "Fire Alone" truly means.

TL;DR Tallstar's a good guy in a bad system and power acts through him as much as he can act with it.

also, while i am asterisking My Theory on what the ever after is until/unless it’s confirmed, at this point i am 100% dead certain that IF the brothers had a hand in creating this place, it was only dark. most of the theorizing i’ve seen on the subject arrives at the opposite conclusion largely on the basis of the ever after being strictly regimented and ‘orderly’ but… honestly i think people are reading way too much into the emphasis on purpose and in particular reading that emphasis through the lens of what such a cultural fixation would suggest about a society in a more reality-adjacent setting.

that was a natural assumption based on what we knew before the volume started airing, but i don’t think it holds up at all! here’s what we know so far about how the ever after works:

1. it’s a hodgepodge of drastically different worlds put together like a “mixed up puzzle” with no rhyme or reason; the only discernible natural law is that every acre caters to the specific needs of its residents

2. there are absolutely zero obstacles impeding travel between different acres. the physical borders are unguarded and spanned by large, sturdy bridges which connect the main thoroughfares of different acres; there are no laws or social taboos against leaving one’s home acre and travel back and forth between adjacent ones is common enough for denizens to build reputations spanning multiple different acres (e.g. the peddler), and no one has taken the slightest issue with little traveling across entire acres. and not only is there no prohibition against travel, it seems to be actively encouraged by the fact that there is an entire acre dedicated to journeys of self-discovery; the ever after enshrines personal growth and change as an inevitable and invaluable part of life.

3. we have now met half a dozen notable denizens: the peddler, grown visibly older than his description in the storybook and fully content as he is; the jabberwalker, far more timid than his intimidating appearance would suggest, who seemingly spends his time roaming other acres in search of a way to “fix” his own; little, a child who quite happily goes around exploring and making new friends without any sense of anxiety or pressure about the fact that they haven’t found their purpose yet; the red prince, once a king, whose sense of purpose was so badly shaken that he fell backwards in time and became a child again to rediscover himself; the herbalist, who is serenely certain of both his purpose and the inevitability one day he will become something else, and who just bounces when he realizes he’s become stuck in a workaholic rut…

…and the cat, whose purpose is curiosity and who appears to spend their time rambling around alternately pestering interesting people and intervening when other denizens become TOO fixated on their ‘purpose’. the red prince’s purpose is to ‘win his game at any cost,’ but when his desperation to win causes him to spiral into a blind fury, the cat steps in to soothe him (“you must be so distraught”) and remind him to consider the consequences of acting rashly out of anger (“if you behead them, you might not ever get them back”). likewise, when the herbalist acts out his purpose by rote and hurts ruby by pushing her into a trial she isn’t ready for, the cat comes to her rescue and entreats the herbalist to remember himself (“you’re supposed to be helping others find their way, but you’ve lost your own”). contrary to the emerging theories that the cat is some sort of overseer or taskmaster who enforces the roles other denizens must play, the cat actively questions the nature and meaning of those roles and has twice now resolved the conflict of an episode by encouraging the notional antagonist to think and act OUTSIDE of their stated roles, to reconsider their choices from a more complex and nuanced perspective.

4. the cat trashes the brothers, light especially. “who thought that was a helpful way to reincarnate? the same people who put a city in the sky? […] those brothers! talk about a god complex!”—the god of light interpreted salem kneeling before him with tears in her eyes to ask “please bring him back” as demanding and selfish (literally “you demand of me”), cursed her for eternity and has been nursing a grudge for millions of years because she prayed to his brother after he turned her away, co-signed the annihilation of every human on the face of the planet to punish her for rebelling against him, and is still holding salem’s defiance as a blade over the whole world’s neck because her refusal to grovel obediently at his feet infuriated him so much. the cat is powerful and knowledgeable and seems to be very fond of—or at least very intrigued by—humans, and when they hear the story of remnant’s gods they scoff at light’s ineptitude and arrogance. you think THE CAT is a being appointed by the god of light to enforce order?!?

5. more generally, the ever after is a dozen or so mini-worlds floating on top of a formless white void; a dark and stormy acre runs up against a sunny tropical beach which is stacked against an acre of rolling red fields and green skies which is next to an old-growth forest stuffed to the gills with bioluminescent fungi. the physical transitions between different acres are so stark that they literally split the sky in half, stormy night to golden noon. intense despair causes tiny spontaneous thunderstorms. one acre is populated by a throng of oversized mice. the next one over is populated chiefly by animate wooden figurines and toys. attempting to walk towards the tree traps you in an infinite loop of maybe ten or fifteen paces but if you walk in the same general direction without focusing on the tree you’re able to move freely. it has been implied that the tree itself is ambulatory or at least metaphorically capable of movement. the jabberwalker glitches when he moves. the cat can phase in and out of existence at will and sometimes splits in half for no apparent reason other than that they feel like it. the ever after is not a sensible world. it runs on metaphor and emotion and narrative without regard for logic or coherency; it is not orderly. it defies order.

the god of light claims dominion over the powers of creation, but he is not imaginative or innovative in the slightest; every time salem fails to do what he wants her to do, he cracks down harder, piles on more suffering, and expects her to submit, and in the eons since he and his brother abandoned remnant he still has yet to realize the obvious error in his thinking or even just let it go. he is portrayed in ‘the two brothers’ as a rigidly inflexible authoritarian who does not understand the world his brother created and makes no effort to learn (the story credits dark with creation of the moon, deserts, mountains, earthquakes, and volcanoes—which is to say, the god of darkness is responsible for nearly all of the fundamental natural processes required to support life; plate tectonics, tides, weather, biodiversity… and the god of light complains that these things ‘spoil’ the planet); his ideal world is a lush plain of undifferentiated green with grazing animals wandering over it. put plainly i do not think the god of light is even capable of creating a place as complicated and varied as the ever after without his brother’s help, and by “help” what i mean is “dark doing almost all of the actual work” because that is explicitly what happened during the creation of remnant. (and ‘the two brothers’ is pro-light religious propaganda, so if this is the most flattering spin ozma could come up with…)

in contrast—if the ever after is divine in origin, which i really don’t think it is at this point—its haphazard, malleable, mixed-up-puzzle nature feels like something you might plausibly end up with if the god of darkness set out to make a world all by himself, unfettered by his brother’s restraint. dark is also capricious, emotionally-driven, interested in humans (<- explicit in ‘the two brothers’ and supported by his initial reaction to salem in the lost fable), capable of empathy and kindness (<- he does salem a favor because her grief resonated with his loneliness and he wanted to reward her faith in him; likewise his cruelty towards her later is motivated by the sense of betrayal when he’s convinced that she took advantage of his desire for connection), and appears to have weathered at least one rebellion prior to salem’s without throwing any world-destroying tantrums about it (<- rip to the knight who tried to kill god and got run through with his own sword and tossed out to rot on the front porch), so of the pair he seems the likelier by far to tolerate the cat openly mocking them.

And the final interview for our Pride Month Event, with Jessamine!

Jessamine, Author of The Black River

Somewhere, somehow, you lost your memories. You’re aware that–whatever it was that happened –it involved chanting cultists, and horrible serrated knives, but unfortunately none of those nice gentlemen are around to explain what’s going on to you. Oh… and also it seems that whatever they did with the aforementioned chanting and knives tore a hole in the fabric of reality and opened a gateway from the world of the living to the Underworld.

Which you fell through.

And now you’re stuck, despite your best efforts, on an antique ship from several centuries ago, with a crew of dead sailors and a motley assemblage of others from the living world. You don’t know what’s going on back in the world where you’re supposed to be, but you know that it can’t be good.

In order to get home, you’ll have to help sail the Will-o’-wisp across the length of the Black River, uncovering truths that change the entire way you view the world and fighting villains whose ambitions extend to the very act of deicide.

And you’d quite like to get your memories back, while you’re at it.

Read More about The Black River here. Play the Demo here.

[INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT UNDER THE CUT!]

Q1 - Please, introduce yourself and tell us a bit about your project(s)!

Hi, I’m Jessamine (Jess for short, but not to be confused with Jess, the author of Fields of Asphodel and Diaspora – I’m surprised there isn’t more author name crossover, but it does happen occasionally), and you may have seen me around from time to time. I write The Black River, and I also do editing for other games (sometimes), and art (very rarely). You may also have seen pictures of my cat, Fëanor… she’s very cute.

My main project The Black River is a story chiefly about faith, which is a subject near and dear to my heart, but it’s also about resilience… being taken to the very edge of your limits and knowing that there’s no one coming to save you, that you’re on your own against a seemingly insurmountable foe. It’s fantasy, but it might not be the exact kind of fantasy that you’re particularly familiar with – it was very important to me that it not be Eurocentric, and there are steampunk and science-fantasy elements as well!

I wouldn’t say it’s romance-heavy, since some of the Relationship Options are aromantic, but it’s definitely character-focussed. All of the characters are important to the story and the plot in one way or another, and all of them have unique perspectives and information to give you, if you put the effort into spending time with them.

My secondary project is Boldly, a game that I haven’t really spoken much about (I’m trying to be good), but I’m honestly dying to, because I love it so much. It’s a Star Trek parody (hence the name), but along the lines of Galaxy Quest, with a different breakout scifi TV show hit taking the place of Star Trek in this universe. It’s divided into 16 episodes, a full season, and you get to play as a little spaceship ensign manning your duty desk and repairing lamps or calculating trajectories while the main crew save the day.

At least in theory… there may be some… complications.

Q2 - What or who are some of your biggest inspirations?

I’m a bit of a chameleon in that I’m always constantly taking some degree of inspiration from most things that I read or watch and enjoy… I don’t think I’ve ever stopped being inspired by things, to be honest. A lot of the authors that had the most definite impact on my style in particular are ones that I read a lot growing up, like David Eddings, Emily Rodda, Kate Forsyth, and Sara Douglass, but Tolkien and Terry Pratchett also had a huge impact on me in terms of storytelling inspiration. Also Dick Francis, but… I haven’t come up with an idea for a horse-racing thriller IF… yet.

For The Black River specifically, I don’t jokingly describe it as steampunk fantasy Mass Effect 2 for no reason. There’s also a bunch of other games that have given me some degree of inspiration… the various Dragon Ages, Diablo 3 and World of Warcraft are probably the most prominent. Boldly of course draws on Star Trek a lot, but also Galaxy Quest, and there’s quite a bit of Stargate, and especially my favourite TV show of all time, Stargate: Atlantis, in there, too.

Q3- What excites you most about IF? What drew you to the medium?

This is probably quite a boring answer but for me the most exciting thing about IF as a medium is the variation. That’s always my favourite part about any RPGs with choices (like Bioware games), seeing what things change based on different decisions. The ability to craft a story that is moulded to and by the player is something very special, and it really appeals to my love of storytelling in general.

As for what drew me to the medium, I was really very encouraged by a lot of the first IFs I came across, which were high quality stories told in a way that was very interesting to me, to give it a go myself. A lot of those stories are ones I’m still reading (Virtue’s End, When It Hungers, The Northern Passage, and Fields of Asphodel in particular… though sadly 3150 Dahlia Street is no longer around), and I was lucky enough to become friends with a lot of the authors! I have to admit meeting so many wonderful friends in the community was a huge factor in helping me decide to stay also.

Q4 - Are your characters influenced by your identity? How?

Yes and no. I have a very complex identity for various reasons, and to date I’ve never made a character who was really everything that I am in one person, but I do tend to use separate aspects of my identity in my characters here and there. I also generally default to all of my characters being bi or pansexual, which I suppose is the most obvious influence my identity has on my work overall.

When I first started writing The Black River, there weren’t a lot of ace characters around – there are some more now, but it was definitely more unusual when I started. Our Lady is a character that has quite a bit of me in her, in regards to her asexuality and her relationship to it, and her feelings about it and about romance.

There’s also an RO in Boldly who is intersex and nonbinary in a similar way to how I am… I’ve never been somebody who particularly looked to stories for representation, maybe because I expected to never find any characters that were really much like me, due to the aforementioned complexity. I’m enjoying writing a character that is more like me than any other I’ve read for myself, though… I hope other people will also enjoy it!

Q5 - What are you most excited about sharing related to your project?

All of it, really; I’ve always been excited, in general, by storytelling as a whole. I love when people read things I’ve written and feel emotions about it… I love when people think about my work and it leaves an impact on them. I suppose in a more specific sense I’m looking forward to unravelling some of the mysteries that have already been laid out in The Black River. Some of them probably don’t go quite where people will expect… oh, and soul-familiars. Those are coming towards the end of the next chapter.

When it comes to Boldly I’m just excited to get to the stage where I can share the game haha

Q6 - What would you like to see more of in LGBT+ fiction/IF community?

It feels somewhat trite to say “more acceptance,” but I do think there’s still a ways to go on a lot of issues. Recently some parts of the community took quite a hard stance against intersex representation, which as an intersex person was obviously quite worrying for me. I used to regularly receive hatemail from people about having ace characters, and I still get hate-filled comments about my aro and aroace characters.

The landscape of the community can change slowly sometimes, but I’ve seen nonbinary ROs change from oddities to a norm over time, and I’ve seen a slowly growing acceptance of ace-spectrum characters and binary trans ROs, so I’m hopeful that things can continue to become more accepting as time goes on.

Otherwise… maybe just more understanding that a single character doesn’t have to be universally-applicable representation. If I write a character that specifically reflects my personal relationship with my specific nonbinary gender, it probably won’t be the same as yours or a character based on you– but that won’t make them bad, or wrong. Just different threads in one large tapestry.

Q7- Lastly, what advice would you give to your creators and readers?

I’m not sure that I have much advice to give to readers, and even a lot of what I would say to other creators has probably been said before, many times. I suppose the thing I feel needs to be said the most, from my experience in the varying corners of the author community, is that creators are so often too harsh on themselves, for no real reason.

“Author” as a vocation is a full suite of interconnected skills working together, not just writing but also other things like planning, editing, time management, worldbuilding, critique, and in the case of IF authors, coding and design as well. I’ve seen too many authors, who have spent years and years writing but never edited or outlined before, be frustrated with themselves and expect to be able to perform just as well in a skill they’ve never even tried before as in one that they’ve been honing for years, and then berate themselves when they understandably fall short of that impossible expectation.

It's not odd to find editing hard if you’ve never edited before; it’s not strange to have to fumble through outlining if you’ve never outlined before. It’s normal, actually. You wouldn’t assume that someone can speak fluent German just because they can speak fluent French. They’re separate skills, that need to be worked on separately, and you’ll never metaphorically learn German if you don’t allow yourself to start with the basics and keep expecting to be able to jump straight into complex conversations.

Be gentle with yourself. You’re allowed to be still learning. We all are. And good luck!

4. Hopper

Part 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. Read on AO3.

It only took about a week for Hopper to return. A week of hospital food so bland, Steve was honestly having doubts that he was actually being fed real food and not just imagining it. But seeing Hopper when he was finally wheeled into the hospital really put Steve’s current diet of shitty porridge and pudding into perspective. 

Hopper looked gaunt. No trace of the indifferent beer-bellied chief Hawkins used to know left.

The former chief used the chance to stop by Steve’s hospital room while being wheeled to some other hospital room for his own oatmeal feast, which he most definitely needed. 

“Looks like coming back to life really takes it out of you, huh Hop?” Steve joked.

Hopper blinked, a little taken aback for a moment, before replying with a wry grin: “Almost as much as dying itself does, I’d say. But really what you're looking at is good old Russian hospitality.” 

“That makes sense. I feel like instead of building malls in the middle of Nowhere, Indiana, they should consider using their time in America to attend a few of the etiquette classes my aunt hosts.” Robin mused.

“You think the Russians should invade to attend finishing school?” Steve wrinkled his nose, imagining Russian soldiers making flower arrangements and folding napkins into arches like his mom fussing before having dad’s business partners over for dinner.

“I was more thinking some evening classes, but I guess if they have mall with insane tunnel system money, they probably have finishing school money too.”

Hopper appeared bemused at the course of the whole interaction, but brushed it aside to tell them: “Owen’s dealing with the aftermath of some kind of power struggle on the suits side, but they all will probably be sniffing around with some ridiculous coverup soon enough. So far the story is that this was all some huge earthquake and I was on some kind of undercover mission so it looks like it is going to be the same kind of nonsense as usual.”

“I don’t really care what crap they have to sell to the town, as long as they make sure Eddie’s name gets cleared. He helped save the world, they don’t get to keep calling him a murderer.” Steve stated, “That’s not up for negotiation. Full stop.”

“The Munson kid, seriously?” Hopper sighed, “I guess he might never have been a model law-abiding citizen. Was a disrespectful pain in the ass to boot. But he certainly wasn’t a killer either. I’ll ask Owens to clear that up as well.”

After Hopper had left Robin turned to Steve with a tense expression and asked: “Do you think now that Hopper is back, El will bring back Eddie next? Even though she never actually met him?”

“I’m sure that Dustin is already pleading Eddie’s case to El and you know how he is. If he decides someone needs to do something, he’s not gonna stop annoying you until it happens. El brought back his dead cat, I don’t think she’s gonna say bringing back his friend is out of line.” Steve assured her. 

They were both silent for a moment.

“Can you imagine Munson’s face when he realizes he will not be spared Dustin scolding him into the next century for being a dumbass and getting himself killed?” Steve said suddenly.

“Oh man, if Eddie thought death would save him from one of Dustin’s rants about that being the most idiotic thing he could have done, he has another thing coming! Dustin is going to rake him over the coals!” Robin was giggling at the very thought. 

Having Henderson lecture you like you were a four year old he had to stop from sticking a fork in an electrical outlet as soon as he left you alone was horrible and very annoying. However, watching someone else get the brunt of his condescending tone was a rare but always uniquely hilarious experience for Steve. But before Steve could join Robin in laughing at the image, his excitement was replaced by a sudden doubt. 

“Yeah…” Steve said hesitantly because he had remembered some of his initial assumptions about the whole resurrection thing. Of course, Robin immediately noticed. 

“What was that just now? What is that face for?” 

“Well, so far everyone who El has brought back has died here.”

Robin tried following his line of thought.

“And what if Eddie dying deep in Vecna territory makes it harder to reach him before something else happens?” she offers.

‘If bringing him back is even possible.’ Steve silently added in his head. Maybe Steve got it right the first time. Maybe El could only bring back people who died in the Rightside-Up. Maybe like Barb, Eddie was gone for good.

“Now that we’ve got everyone here and working together again, I’m sure it will be fine. We’re going to get him back, Steve.” Robin continued, oblivious to Steve’s actual worries. 

But she was still right. Their group had never been ones to give up even when they most certainly should have. El alone continued to do more and more impossible things each year. With the support and help of Hopper, the Byers, the rest of the party and all the older teens behind her, Steve couldn’t imagine anything stopping El from doing whatever she put her mind to. Either she would find a way to magic Eddie back to their world as she was magicing him back to the life or they would all go back into the Upside Down and bring Eddie back out that way. The others were not going to give up on him and Steve refused to doubt his eventual return either. 

No matter what, Eddie was not getting left behind.

Next.

Day 6 Reveals!

Been Meaning to Tell You (Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)) written by nineofhearts, performed by roseszain Summary: In high school, Willie and Alex are friends. Not friends in the “we hangout one on one all of the time outside of school” sense, but friends in the “we spend lots of time together at school one on one and sometimes we hangout with a group outside of school” type friends. Now, 6 years after graduation they’re both out of college. They’ve fallen out of touch (college, boys, life caused them to drift). Willie is a pro skater in LA, Alex and Sunset Curve are based in NYC and are just starting to really “make it”. In other words, Willie and Alex re-enter each other’s orbits 6 years post-high school graduation and there are definitely feelings in the air. Lonely Boy ~ Shiba Inu (TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)) written by Asterhythm, performed by cobbie Summary: Take a blender. Mix equal parts Cowboy Bebop, Outlaw Star, Tenchi Muyo, and Macross (particularly Frontier). Add in the boys of TOMORROW X TOGETHER, blend and pour over the Milagro Menta galaxy, serve with Yoko Kanno realness. [In which Choi Soobin is kidnapped by evil aliens, and his husband Yeonjun will stop at nothing to get him back, chasing him across the universe with help from best friend Beomgyu, pilot Taehyun, and android Kai.] Okay, 9, 4, 3, let’s jam ~ Turning up the heat (Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types) written by litra, performed by mistbornhero Summary: Cody and Obi-Wan are paired up for the latest episode of That's Food. Then Obi-Wan starts flirting... Doing The Lord's Dirty Work (Welcome to Night Vale) written by Rosemarycat5, performed by CrimsonMoonn Summary: Someone named Erika has taken on the moniker "Avenging Angel", according to an anonymous source. Who knows what they will do? Have Your Blood and Eat it Too (二哈和他的白猫师尊 - 肉包不吃肉 | The Husky and His White Cat Shizun - Meatbun Doesn't Eat Meat) written and performed by Haoppopotamus and elrohir Summary: Chu Wanning goes into seclusion again for his golden core issue. This time, however, the seclusion only lasts 7 days. To what lengths will Mo Ran go to heal Chu Wanning's core once he figures out a way to help? Snippet: Chu Wanning entered seclusion after the Cold Food Festival. Every few years, he secluded himself for ten days to tend to his golden core, which was still damaged even so many years later. Mo Ran set to preparing their small cottage for Chu Wanning's return—polishing furniture, weeding the garden, dusting hard-to-reach corners. It was unusual for them to spend more than a few days apart, so he busied himself during the day to stave off the loneliness. Did you hear what Father did? (Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)) written by Cail_Jei, performed by Drel_Murn So many stories of where I've been and how I got to where I am (Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game)) written by JuneOokami, performed by Wereflamingo Summary: Ciri likes to hear stories from her three guardians, especially when it's bedtime. Sometimes she's lucky and they tell her the same story, each from their own perspective, and she gets to hear more about them amidst their tales. Woke Up Married (Our Flag Means Death (TV)) written by Sivan325, performed by Ellejabell Summary: “What the hell did we do last night?” Izzy asked with frustration. He didn’t remember anything, his mind was blank. Lucius, who felt the loss of Izzy, stretched and woke up, looking at Izzy with love in his eyes. A Vampire Visit to the New Providence Widows' Club (What We Do in the Shadows (TV), Our Flag Means Death (TV)) written by pandamug, performed by artax_risen Summary: 1717-ish Nadja of Antipaxos, sick to undeath of being on a fucking boat, get dropped off for a Caribbean holiday away from her husband. Featuring: sexy widows, women who are widows via technicality, not-dead husbands, and a bawdy sea shanty Particular About My Library (Black Sails) created by Opalsong, RevolutionaryJo, and Syr Summary: Jack: Hello and welcome back to Particular About My Library, the best book podcast this side of the Marianas Trench. On either side, actually. Maybe there’s a better one at the bottom, but I wouldn’t count on it. And welcome to our special guest, the irreplaceable Max. Max: We both know I’m only here because Featherstone has a date night with Adele Monsterfuckers AƧSEMBLE: an AᗺBA tribute album (Multifandom) written and produced by carboncopies and olive2read, performed by carboncopies Summary: Many years ago, Brian David Gilbert made a shocking revelation about a famous Swedish pop group. With very little alteration, nearly all of their hits could be performed by Halloween villains. Frightened of what he learned, Brian buried his discovery in the dark recesses of his mind and swore to never share it with the world. Until October 2021… Following the publication of this breakthrough, carboncopies and olive2read were hit with another, even more startling, realisation. While a few of AᗺBA’s songs may have been written by Halloween monsters, many were written by monsterFUCKERS. This monsterfucking team has spent the summer painstakingly peeling back the layers to uncover the truth behind the sweet disco beats and seemingly innocuous lyrics. And what a glorious truth it is! A call to action! Monsterfuckers AƧSEMBLE! Hues (Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, A Stitch in Time - Andrew J. Robinson) created by BardicRaven and RisalSoran Summary: Color, like Truth, sometimes has sharp edges and clearly-defined borders. And sometimes, it does not.

Cats I have encountered over the course of this semester

As mentioned before, I am a known lurker. I am constantly looking out for cats, they are so cute and fun to watch. I see a lot outside of the Law Library and I am always so tempted to snatch one.

Anyways, I have organized them into categories so that there is there some structure.

These cats are the ones I have spotted on the main campus. There is a protected cat colony in the courtyard of Draper, so I know these cats are being taken care of and that they are safe.

This the cat colony information. They were caught, spayed/ neutered and then placed back onto campus and are given food, water, and beds.

I think I caught one mid-nap.

This one is drinking water.

Sleeping loaf.

Another perspective of the sleeping loaf.

I love when they sit with their tails wrapped around their paws. It amuses me.

These two look angry, but they were cuddling and it was very cute. I feel like it is important to note that I did not get too close to them, but used the zoom on my camera, so they appear closer than reality.

so cute.

I was walking to my apartment and this cat came up to me and stared at me for a bit, so I stared back. I took a picture as it was walking away to remember this experience.

Now, these are the cats that I have seen and took pictures of outside of the law library or in the parking lot of the law library:

I think this was the first cat that I saw around the library. He lurks. He also will be spotted again...

In the dead of night (not really, only like midnight) he lurks once again. What a guy.

Another one. There are many cats with this coloring that hang out outside of the library, but this one was so fun! We played for a bit. Here, cat is like in the pounce position, crouching down and lurking.

This lady is so beautiful. She is white with brown accents, she has brown ringed markings on her tail and blue eyes!!! This was the first time I saw her and she came up to me and stared at a safe distance. I saw her again another night as well and she approached me again (from a safe distance, but more so than any other cat). She seems to be less than a year old since she is quite small. I wish I snatched her.

Here she is again!

I think this cat is scared of me.

There are 3 cats in this picture.

Before Thanksgiving break, I saw this guy roaming around and he was so small, but he has grown quite a bit since!!

Ok this next one is a bit creepy, but I was dropping one of my friends off at his apartment complex and through his neighbor's window, I saw this cat.

Wow so cute right?? To be fair, this cat was staring at me first.

This is when I noticed there was ANOTHER cat lurking thru the blinds. SO CUTE.

I got too close, so the one sitting on the ledge went and joined the other cat. PLEASE this is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life, they are BOTH lurking!! Their eyes are so cute.

This next category is the least creepiest/ weirdest. These were taken at friend's houses, so they are known cats.

Over Thanksgiving break, I went to a family friend's house and they had a full grown adult cat and a tiny baby kitten. This is the kitten, he was so cute and very fun to play with. The kitten was very energetic! My dad also loved the cat, which was fun to see. However, my mom was not convinced to let me get one of my own. I do have a plan for this however.

This is my friend's cat, "mr. bubbles", the name is misleading tho, as the cat is female. She is a very smart cat, she catches toys mid-air so fast, no matter where you throw them. She also has a great sense of object permanence, which is very impressive.

Clearly, I am very obsessed with cats. I think part of this is due to the fact that they act like real life cartoons, which is always a fun thing.

The Roof is on Fire: Part 2 (Hide or Seek)

This is part 2 of a previous post. See here for Part 1: Backstory.

Content warning: house fire, dead pet, trauma

“Cats are incredible hiders.”

Tilly was a good hider; that much I knew firsthand. For the first few weeks I had her (seriously, I'm talking like fifteen or sixteen straight days), I didn't see her once.  

I knew she was alive, and I knew she was here-- food disappeared from her bowl, the litter box was being used regularly, and occasionally I found stray hairs on my laundry-- but she'd clearly found a very clever place to hide. 

The day she introduced herself to me was one I'll never forget. I was a morning person back then, waking with alacrity each day between 4:45 and 5 AM. That day I’d been lounging on the couch with a podcast in my ears, trying not to wake my cohabitants, when I suddenly felt a weight come down on my chest and settle there. 

Blinking, I found myself staring right into the prettiest green eyes I’d ever seen. They were wide for her face, and endlessly deep, looking at me with something like knowing acceptance. As though for two weeks she’d been watching me, scoping me out, and now she had decided that I was worthy of her trust.

“Hello,” I'd murmured. She continued to study me for a moment, then let her attention flicker to my chest. Her white paws kneaded me gently, and I knew the sweat glands between her little toes were busy depositing her scent into my shirt. 

I raised one hand slowly, letting her see my outstretched fingers and giving her plenty of time to communicate any misgivings about the gesture. She apparently had none, so I very gently stroked her face, noticing for the first time how unbelievably soft she was. Those big green eyes met mine again for a moment before closing contentedly. 

We stayed like that for a long time, as I continued to gently peruse her face with my fingertips. Soon enough I'd found the spot, nestled in her jawline right where it hinged open, and when she leaned into the touch I kneaded it with more pressure.

"Of course you like that," I said softly. She pressed her face more firmly against my fingertips, as if she was agreeing with me.

"It's okay, baby girl," I told her. "I've got you." 

It had taken her two weeks of living in my house for her to trust me enough to come out of hiding. So it shouldn't have surprised me that, when she was caught in the house fire that displaced my family for a year, Tilly's first reaction was to hide. She was a cat, after all. And cats are very good hiders.

But still... I can't help but wonder if she might've made it, as the dogs had, had she gone in search of people rather than hide.

Thomas, a firefighter I met on one of my ride-alongs through Reg, told me that he'd once saved a barn cat from a fire when the structure went up in smoke.

"Scratch the shit outta you?" I guessed.

He chuckled sadly and shook his head. "As soon as I put the poor thing onto the ground, it ran right back into the flaming barn."

It's funny how those survival instincts work. Tilly felt safer hiding in some familiar place in the burning house than she did with strangers. Silly cat and her misguided instincts. 

But, don't humans do the same thing sometimes?

One of the oldest truths about human existence is that we all hurt each other. A lot. We break up with each other, miss recitals and eat our roommates' whipped cream from the freezer. Life, love, relationships-- they're all just us bumping around blindly, mostly trying not to screw things up as we fall in and out of situations one after the next. 

But we also need each other. No man is an island, after all. We all rely on one another, on sharing perspectives and skills and insights. We exchange comfort and validation, reassuring one another that there is hope beyond the next sunrise. 

So why is it that sometimes, when the thing we need most is other people, we draw away? Is it fear, or the feline instinct to hide? Is it wariness of being hurt again the way you've been hurt before? Is it shame for having to admit we can't do it alone? 

Whatever the reason, it's a dangerous and possibly deadly instinct. 

I read somewhere once that cats who sense that they're about to die will isolate themselves, find a quiet place to go on their own time-- maybe that's what she was doing. For cats, it makes sense. They do that when they feel that their time is up, at the point where most intervention would be futile. It's their way of dying with a bit of dignity, where they won't bother anyone as they pass quietly into the quiet, dark beyond.

But... we're not cats. As humans, isolating in a time of great need is a dangerous, perhaps even deadly maneuver. 

At work, I hate asking for help. As a recent hire, I'm still considered probationary until I've proven myself by staying put for six months. I was signed off two weeks ago, which means somebody thought I was capable of doing this job on my own. To ask someone for help is to admit that I'm not fully independent, that I have more still to learn. It means taking the risk of being seen as incapable, after all, of doing my job. 

But sometimes, not asking for help can make it worse. If the thing I don't know how to do in the moment doesn't get done, it means my job has not been done correctly. I become a bigger liability by not asking than I would be by admitting I didn't know the first time.

This goes beyond skills, though. Recently I received some news of a family issue that knocked me off-kilter, and I realized quickly that it was affecting me negatively. 

I wasn't sleeping, and the next day I was late to work. At the end of that shift, the supervisor was coming in to replace me. As he set up for the morning, I apologized profusely. I didn't have any excuses; exhaust from the sleepless day spent tossing restlessly between tangled sheets as I turned over in my head all that had happened had simply won out. My alarm just wasn't enough to rouse me. 

He must have picked up on the fact that something was wrong, though. "It's impossible to fully disentangle your personal and professional lives," he told me in a follow-up email later that day. "Part of my job as your supervisor is to help you navigate those stressors -- I can't influence or fix the things going on in your personal life, but I can be a sounding board if you need to confide in someone."

Before starting in my dispatch career, I'd never been someone who shies away from asking for help. But something about the way Reg treated me as a trainee, as though every clarifying question I asked was being tallied against me. At the end of the day, my trainers' reports came back with a list of things I hadn't been able to yet do on my own, SOPs I had not yet memorized, names I hadn't been able to place with the respective town, rank, and badge number. I was tired of being the new guy, fed up with being judged for needing help. 

But... I do need help. We all do, sometimes. Whatever insecurities we hide behind, whatever misgivings about trusting other people with our vulnerabilities-- sometimes we just need to know when to admit, I can't do this on my own. Only after we admit that can we actually reap the benefits of existing as members of a highly social species intrinsically dependent on cooperation.

Public safety and law enforcement require a lot of trust. When lives are on the line, agencies need to be sure they can trust the people they hire. For that reason, much like medicine or politics, these are fields wrought with nepotism and highly dependent on referrals, favoring the familiar over the connectionless outsider often even in spite of qualifications.

But I got hired at Regional completely on my own. Independently I searched out dispatch openings in my area. I found where to submit the resume and cover letter, both of which I had written myself. At no point in my application process did I rely on mutual backscratching or legacy points. 

My current job, however, was a different story.

Towards the end of my time at Reg, I confided in Gabe my anxieties about being able to finish strong. He told me not to worry about it.

"Focus on being successful here if you can," he said. "But if things don't work out, then come find me."

Sure enough, the day Regional sent me away with nothing but a severance letter and a broken heart, he had been leaving work just as I was on my way in to get fired. We sat together in the parking lot, and he called out from the other job he'd been about to leave for an evening shift at. I gave myself twenty minutes to wallow and be miserable, then he came over to my place and we got to work implementing his plan.

First, he connected me with Kara, whom he had personally trained at his favorite job. That agency wasn't hiring, but Kara also worked for another PSAP, one that was currently hiring and that also happened to be an eight-minute drive from my apartment. Then he helped me workshop my resume to include Reg, and coached me in what to say when they asked about why I left. When it was done and there was nothing left to coordinate, he still stayed, sitting beside me on the couch as I lamented the loss of my dream job and cried about how much of a failure I felt like. 

"You are not a failure," he said gently.

"I got fired."

"You'll get hired again."

But it wasn't the same. I tried to explain that with Regional, I had done it all by myself. And as much as I appreciated his help, as much as I was sure my dispatch career would've been dead in the water without him, I hated that I needed his help. I didn't want to be the girl who got hired because she was friends with the right people. I didn't want to be somebody whose qualifications for a job were grounded more in connections than merit.

"You are not a failure just because you accept help," he reassured me, again and again until the words themselves had lost all meaning. Semantic meaning, though, and nothing more. Though the words themselves brought me little comfort, I did internalize his meaning, and I began to realize something. 

In all of human history, no feat has ever been a solitary effort. Benjamin Franklin's key-on-a-kite-string routine wouldn't have been much to speak of had a locksmith not once carved the key. Babe Ruth made baseball history backed by his teammates. That doesn't make the individual any less of a maverick, and certainly doesn't make any of them failures.

What I had been running from, just as Tilly once ran from the firefighters who would have saved her life, was the fear of failure, of not being good enough. 

The fear of needing help is what I'd been hiding from.

Now it was time I stopped hiding, before the roof collapsed on top of me.

I’ve been wanting to talk about the 1982 film adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s groundbreaking novel "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" since I finally watched it for the first time ever a couple weeks ago. I’m going to dive into my thoughts on the book first since I read it prior to watching the film and I think that perspective is important to keep in mind. This is gonna contain lots of spoilers, so look away if you haven’t read or watched yet.

Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? is hilarious. First and foremost. The sense of humour in this book is subtle but knee slappingly funny at the same time. The subtly of the humour comes from the normalization of absurdity that persists as basic truths in the lives of this novel’s inhabitants. Such basic truths that said inhabitants would never understand why you think their lives are funny. In fact, there is nothing funny at all about having to perform regular maintenance on my electric sheep (because I can’t afford a real one) in order to keep my neighbours from suspecting that I lack empathy and therefore may be a humanoid robot, thank you very much!

One of my favourite things about this book by far is this overwhelming obsession with living creatures. In a real life dystopian future, the extinction of animal life would be accepted for what it is. Sure, it would have catastrophic effects on our eco system, and common house cats (if kept alive) would become exotic symbols of status for the ruling class. The thing that sets Dick's universe apart from ours (for now at least), is the existence of androids so realistic that it is impossible to tell them apart without putting them through an empathy test. Androids can fake empathy, but their autonomic nervous system won't align with their response. Their heart rate won't rise, their pupils wont flutter. It's because of this that simply owning and caring for an animal becomes proof of the owners humanity. An android would never feed a squirrel three times a day and make sure it's cage is clean. Surely not.

Bounty hunter Rick Deckard is stopped dead in his tracks by this obsession multiple times throughout the book. His electric sheep is beginning to show signs of failure, and furthermore, his neighbour has a real horse. This makes Rick feel like a lesser man. Why shouldn't he also have a real animal? He stops at a local dealer to find that the cost of an organic heartbeat would cost him thousands upon thousands of dollars. He could put a down payment on a goat for $3,000, but he would have to work all day and retire at least three andy’s to afford it. Philip K. Dick sneaks in tangents about animals and their cost into this book in such a witty way that it just reads as pure comedy gold every time.

Aside from being really funny, this book is also touching and emotional. Secondary main character John Isadore is a “chicken head”; someone who has suffered neurological damage from the dust of decay that encapsulates earth. He didn’t pass the IQ test that would allow him to emigrate to mars, so he lives alone in an abandoned building with his only company being the television, and his empathy box which he can use to fuse with Mercer (a sort of religious figure and experience). John has a heart of gold and his main motivations in the book are connection and acceptance. When he discovers a fugitive android has moved into his otherwise empty building, he immediately formulates a plan to make this stranger feel welcomed. He brings to them… a cube of margarine. That’s what good neighbours do, right? At the end of the book, Rick eviscerates John’s new companions, turning his apartment into crime scene to be evacuated at once. He is kicked back to square one, left with nothing and no one. To see someone so pure in their intentions be taken advantage of and dismissed is one of the most twisted and heartbreaking ends to a story I’ve ever read. Damn you Philip.

I didn’t fully grasp some of the stuff about Mercerism to be honest. Fusing with the empathy box, trudging up a hill and getting stoned by imaginary rocks that somehow manifested with real wounds. It was all a bit hard to follow, but it was visceral and added a layer of complexity to the culture of Dick’s world that I appreciated.

I was a huge movie geek in my later teens and early 20s when I was an underachieving NEET living at home and doing fuck all. I recall times where I would just lay on the couch and watch 3-4 movies in a day. I was addicted to the feeling of gut wrenching emptiness I would get after watching a bleak, honest tragedy like Ordinary People or Oslo, August 31. Blade Runner had been on my watch list for years, but for some reason I never felt inspired to watch it until I finally read Philip K Dick's book. Perhaps at the time I just wasn't interested in sci fi detective stories. Seeing Harrison Ford dressed in a trench coat and tie reminded me too much of my dad's infamous Columbo marathons.

I'll get the pro's out of the way first. Blade Runner is visually stunning. It's absolutely dripping in style. The set design is incredible, showcasing a colourful neon city that is equally as dominated by futuristic technology as it is garbage and degeneracy. The director portrays this world in a highly cerebral fashion that will make you feel like you're in a dream state, for better or worse. Unfortunately the visual side of the film is about all it has going for it, and it feels like they put so much effort into making things look good that they forgot how to tell a good story. If I hadn't read DADOES? prior to watching this movie I would have had no idea what was going on. Dialog is sparse and dry and character development is almost non existent. Characters are introduced to you like you are just supposed to know who they are already. Luckily I did.

I am aware that Blade Runner is simply based off of the book and not a 1:1 adaptation, so I won't fault it for being different. I will however criticize it for it's complete lack of humour or emotional depth. They stripped out almost every facet of the world that made Dick's novel so captivating to focus solely on the narrative of a bounty hunter tracking down androids. There are no empathy boxes. There is no talk of Mercerism. Rick doesn't even seem to care about animals. Not to mention the awkward "love" scene between him and Racheal. Not only was it fully consensual in the book, but it was actually all part of Racheal's plan to cause Rick to feel some sort of empathy towards androids and stop killing them. In the film it comes off as chauvinistic.

On the flip side, J.F. Sebastian, who is based off of John Isadore's character, is hard to empathize with (ironic, no?). J.F. Sebastian is an oddball, but he is by no means a chicken head. He's a genetic designer for the Tyrell corporation who works on androids and builds living toys to keep himself company in his spare time. I did enjoy the spin on his character to an extent, but he doesn't have half the charm of Isadore, and I was beginning to feel frustrated by the writers decisions to copy some things from the book word for word while completely altering others.

The best part of the whole film for me by far was the ending fight/chase scene between Rick and Roy Batty. Now that shit had my full, undivided attention. Roy's full blown psychopathy in this scene was chilling - dislocating Rick's fingers and then playing mind games, slowly counting down from five to give him a head start. Roy cries over Pris' dead body and it makes you question exactly who is lacking empathy here. The sound of rain fills the scene as Roy howls like a wolf and stalks our protagonist through large barren rooms of a haunted mansion. One of the coolest parts of this sequence to me is the verticality of it all. Rick scales a towering cabinet to break through the ceiling into the second floor where he finds a bathroom to hide in. Roy then slams his head through the tiled wall which culminates in a scene clearly inspired by The Shining. From here the chase continues upwards by going out the window and scaling the buildings gothic exterior toward the roof.

Roy could have easily killed Rick during any point during this face off, but instead chooses to save him from falling to his death. Roy hints that all he wanted was to make Rick feel the same sense of fear that androids are faced with their whole lives, living as slaves on Mars. Roy then sits down, cradling a dove, and reaches the natural expiration date of his design - powering off forever. I could probably watch this whole ending altercation scene over and over again. The tension, symbolism and poetry of it all puts the rest of the film to shame.

In conclusion, Blade Runner was disappointing with it's lack of a fleshed out world, flat character arcs and ineffective story telling. It was however highly successful in it's ability to communicate a palette of moods with it's visceral, dream like direction, stunning set design and strong visual identity. I just found myself longing for the sense of humour and cultural richness that made the original story so appealing. I wanted to see Rick's electric sheep. I wanted to hear him chastise Isadore (Sebastian) for setting a spider loose instead of capturing it in a jar to sell like any other sane person would. It's those kind of silly details that would have really enriched the narrative of the film.

Guess I'll just read the book again.

Sansa : calls arya horseface, mocks her skills, calls her ugly, hairy stupid, wishes for arya to die, tells arya everything is her fault, rubs her friends dreath in her face, makes her cry repeatedly, does her best to shatter aryas self esteem at every step.

Jonsas, and so called neutrals who are secretely sansa stans :

Its not her fault. Its westerosi society's fault. Its her parents fault. Its septa mordanes fault. Everyone but sansas fault.

As if ned and cat had told told sansa to treat arya like this. Or according to westerosi society every ideal kady must bully her little sister to death.

Istg nothing mskes my blood boil more than justification of sansas behavior towards arya. And the people who say dont pit sister against sister are the ones doing it.

And they only talk about it to justify sansa. From her perspective. Never ever from aryas perspective. They only focas on how sansa feels, how she is changed now, how she will do better now to she has never done any wrong?

They never talk about how arya feels. Imagine being on the receiving end of this. Being mocked for something which is not in your control like looks. Being told repeatedly that everything bad that happens is your fault. That even the murder of your friend whom you tried to defend is your fault. That you should die. Imagine how this child feels. The fandom has no empathy for this little girl.

This is labeled as 'normal sibling relationship' by them.

And what really shows their hypocrisy are these same people are up in arms against Margeary for not inviting sansa to tea parties like thats a grave crime. But not anything sansa did to arya, thats normal.

They are up in arms against robb for being inconsiderate to sansa and straight up call ned stark a villain, a villain! For what? For the crime of not worshipping sansa enough. (i even saw jonsas saying that robbs and neds death is justice. Seriously sansa stans are the worst scum in the fandom.)

Every minor inconvenience to sansa is a crime but arya should take everything and even forgive sansa and its 'normal sibling relationship' no fuck you sansa stansa, its not. Sorry to dump this on you. But this fandoms hypocrisy gets on my nerves sometimes.

it’s cool fam, the fandom can be incredibly frustrating and having an outlet with someone makes it a little easier to bear.

I’ve always found it strange that even though arya is missing, presumed dead by many, sansa still finds it in herself to call her unsatisfactory as a sister when compared to myrcella and doesn’t miss her nearly as much as the other starklings. Like…you’d think there would be a moment of reflection that maybe, just maybe, having your family torn apart would make one realise that their sister wasn’t actually that bad because you shared the same blood and the same love and the same home. I guess not?

But in a way, that’s one of the things I like about book!sansa’s character. There’s clearly a complexity in that she’s framed as the archetype of a lady, and ladies are always courteous and good-natured, and sansa does exhibit those qualities, but she’s incapable of showing them to her own sister and that erodes the image of the perfect lady and makes her a far more grey character who’s capable of such casual cruelty and coldness as she is courtesy.

But sansa being a grey character with flaws isn’t something many of her fans want, even though that’s what makes asoiaf such a compelling series. Like you said, every slight against her is a crime. Every flaw is actually a strength. Every character except sansa has to rise above their weakness and get on her level, because she’s so amazing and flawless and character development only matters if it means she gets to be queen in the end. Barf. What shitty writing.

They’ve taken a three-dimensional character and made her a dull, two-dimensional stereotype and it’s such a butchery of literature. And so so boring like gross, go read some YA novels.