#but fucking hell I already make myself miserable 5 days a week with work
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#me.txt#there’s something particularly depressing about seeing those advice posts#that are all like ‘do things and go to things and you will feel better!!’#and I understand this is how it’s supposed to work#but also? every time I have forced myself to go to things while miserable#or go out to places while sad and scared#I just ended up sad and scared and miserable There#and in fact feeling worse than I was#possibly because of the contrast with other people?#it always feels so artificial and fake and painful?#like ah yes I will go to the movies and buy a notebook and eat a waffle#but it’s like. miserable in a very specific way?#I try to enjoy any of it but it just. feels so fake and awkward and painful#and then i end up Sadder for several days#but that’s not how it’s meant to work. you just have to keep doing it.#and it’s my fault for not doing it more. because probably it would be better if I did it more often#but fucking hell I already make myself miserable 5 days a week with work#if I don’t get two days off from that. if I have to feel scared and miserable 7/7 24/24#I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep it up#and then shit will start going wrong with my ability to do work#and then there’ll be no fixing any of it#really stuck in a ‘this is all life can ever be’ cycle#a vibe of ‘this is the best it can ever be and is in fact probably always one random chance event from being so much worse’#so I should be fucking grateful actually#even if I feel miserable. the only reason I feel miserable is bc I’m selfish and ungrateful and whiny and a coward#fun
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just a sort of ‘update’ sort if thing on wats been going on w me recently or smth. just felt like putting it out there
TW for ED thoughts and mention of s/h.
srsly want to clarify that i dont romanticize any of this. this shit is whack as hell.
so, its been getting a little worse.
ive been purging for a few days in a row and im gonna try and stop for hopefully at least a few days or a full week if im lucky.
ive started exercising. mainly following these 2 videos, i try do do them once in the morning and once at night and i missed this morning and ive added a third one tonight.
im sore. i feel miserable. but i actually think its helped with my skin cause its so oily all the time and i think working out has been helping.
its back to school tomorrow so i’ll be able to avoid eating longer, i just need to fix lunch times cause ive started getting into the habit of eating lunch again and it makes me feel horrible but im too scared to purge at school so i literally just have to suck it up.
havent weighed myself in a few days. well i did weigh myself like 5 times last night and two times today but the scale isn’t accurate. so im hoping i can weigh myself tomorrow morning when i get the chance.
ive been having the urge to s/h again (ive been clean for almost two weeks now) but i want to target a specific part of my body but that part is already in pain from working out and if i workout with cvts its just going to be one hell of a shitty time and i think im starting to use working out as a form of s/h. its sure as hell feeling like it.
but on a brighter note i watched the live action tmnt movies from 2014 and 2016 and i loved it holy fuck look at the boys i love everything about them. and i got some fake nails, a retsuko plush, a hello kitty hoodie and three new shirts because im increasingly becoming more and more obsessed with the coquette aesthetic its so pretty omg. also i recently finished rottmnt series and movie (i cried). and im almost finished watching whats available of tmnt(2012) on netflix.
also i made a little ‘daily stats’ thing in pics art to track the day, my weight, what i eat, how many cals, how many cals i burn, my net cals and if i purge or not. im not gonna post it just cause i dont want to feel like im promoting any of this, and cause i made it all pink and cute looking i dont want to be accused of romanticizing this shit CAUSE IT SUCKS.
IVE BEEN THINKING ED RELATED THOUGHTS NONSTOP FOR THE PAST WEEKS AND ITS ONLY GETTING WORSE THE MORE I FEEL LIKE IM NOT MAKING ANY PROGRESS. I CANT LOOK AT FOOD THE SAME WAY AGAIN AND IM TOO SCARED TO GET HELP OR TO TRY AND FIX MYSELF AND IM SO SCARED IF GETTING CAUGHT AND NOT BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND I HATE STARING AT MY NAKED BODY IN THE MIRROR AND HATING EVERYTHING I SEE. I HATE CARVING MY HATRED INTO MY SKIN. I HATE CARVING MY INSECURITIES ONTO MY FLESH. BUT IM TOO SCARED AND TOO WEAK AND TOO MUCH OF A FUCKING PUSSY TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF IT.
yeahhh living is fun.
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Sugary Sweet Apologies
Summary: You and Reid never really got along but when he saves your life, you decide to be the bigger person and thank him and hopefully start over. Unfortunately, it isn’t that easy.
Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader
Content/Warnings: light to mild angst with fluffy ending, swearing, spencer reid being an annoying bitch, brief mentions of case stuff (if you watch cm, you should be fine)
A/N: this is for @willowrose99 ‘s 1 year anniversary on tumblr writing challenge!! congrats! i literally wrote and edited this whole thing in less than one day because i got so excited, anyways i hope you enjoy!
Word Count: 1.8k
“Reid and Y/L/N, go to David Whitney’s house. He was the therapist of two of the three victims. He could have some insight into the victimology and know of any overlap between them. He has no criminal record of past aggressive behavior but we can’t rule him out as a suspect entirely,” Hotch stated.
“Hotch, you stuck me with her yesterday for the geographical profiling. Send Prentiss with her instead,” Spencer whined.
“I don’t mind going with Y/L/N. She is a great partner in the field,” Emily glared at Spencer.
“No. Reid, go with Y/L/N or be taken off this case. I’m a unit chief, not an elementary school teacher. I don’t have time for temper tantrums,” Hotch chided.
“Fine,” Spencer grumbled as you grabbed the keys to an SUV.
You don’t know what it was but ever since you started at the BAU four months ago, Spencer had never liked you which resulted in you disliking him as well. Everyone else on the team was super friendly and welcoming but Reid always was jabbing snarky remarks your way like “I don’t have time to explain it to you” or “This was in the FBI handbook. God, you need more training.”
Luckily, the others were quick to defend you. Once Garcia even heard him snip at you over the phone and as soon as you all got off the elevator after the case, Reid was being dragged by his ear into Garcia’s lair with him going “ow ow ow” behind her. So, you didn’t really pay much mind to him because you could deal with one annoying know-it-all to have such an amazing job with great coworkers minus the one.
“Look, I’m not happy about this either,” you said as you climbed into the driver’s side of the SUV, “But at least I’m not being a whiny bitch about it and being rude to the other person’s face.”
“Oh wow, I’m so sorry that I hurt your feelings,” Spencer mocked.
“Fuck you, Reid,” you shook your head.
-
David Whitney was on edge the second you arrived and showed him your badges. He was bouncing his leg up and down, he couldn’t sit still, and he kept avoiding eye contact.
He knew way too much about the other victim that wasn’t even one of his clients but you didn’t have anything solid on him. His house seemed very neat so you doubted he kept anything incriminating here. Organized offenders usually have a secondary location. So, you decided to push his buttons a little.
“I mean blitz attacks, leaving the bodies on the side of dirt roads,” you combed through the crime scene photos, “This guy was a real coward.”
Spencer picked up on what you were trying to do and his eyes widened, he was subtly shaking his head and mouthing “no”.
“Excuse me?” David asked.
“Well, I’m just saying a real man wouldn’t cower in the bushes and blindside a woman. He must not be very strong,” you stated, “He probably can’t even get it up.”
Before you even had time to react, David pulled out a switchblade knife from inside the couch cushions and put you in a chokehold, pressing the cool metal up to your throat. You closed your eyes tightly.
“David, you don’t have to do this,” Spencer stood with his gun pointed at you both.
“This bitch insulted me,” he snarled.
“She insults me too. That doesn’t make you any less of a man,” Spencer spoke carefully, “Just put the knife down and I’ll escort you out.”
David sighed, dropping the knife to the floor and releasing you.
Spencer put David in handcuffs and walked him outside as reinforcements came running in.
“Are you okay, Y/L/N?” Hotch asked.
“Yep, a little shaken up but fine. Thank you,” you stood.
“Let’s get you to the medics,” Morgan grabbed your arm to support you as you walked over to the ambulance.
Spencer never checked on you.
-
You knew your decision in the field was a little rash and you wanted to thank Spencer for essentially saving your life.
However, there was no way in hell you could verbally get out an apology while staring at his smug face, but you could bake. You settled on a note tucked inside a tupperware container of your Grandma’s special recipe of chocolate chip cookies. It was a good peace offering, maybe even a chance to start fresh.
During your lunch break, you took the tupperware from your desk drawer and approached the break room where Reid had entered about 5 minutes ago.
“I’m just saying I could not have been more clear in my message to her that it was too dangerous but of course, Y/L/N didn’t listen cause Y/L/N is going to do whatever she feels like,” Spencer stirred his coffee.
No one had noticed you standing in the doorway yet.
“Reid, you’ve got to be nicer to her. She earned her spot here just like the rest of us,” Emily defended you.
“Did she though? How much do we really know about her? She couldn’t even tell me how many pages the FBI protocol manual was,” Spencer said.
“That’s not a normal thing people know,” Morgan retorted.
“Well, I’m just saying the team was perfectly fine before her and it would probably be better off if she left,” Reid finished.
Garcia looked up from her yogurt to see you standing there, “Oh, Y/N”.
Spencer turned around in his chair as you angrily stormed up to him.
“Here’s your cookies, asshole,” you seethed, grabbing the note from inside and crumpling it up into a little ball and tossing it into the trash.
“Y/N!” Emily called after you but you were already gone.
The whole team glared at Spencer and picked up their lunches, leaving him alone at the table.
Spencer retrieved the balled up paper from the trash, having to fish through Rossi’s week old pasta and Anderson’s half eaten tuna fish sandwich.
Dear Reid,
Thank you for saving my life, I guess. These are my Grandma’s secret recipe for chocolate chip cookies so I hope you enjoy. I think we got off on the wrong foot and I would like to start over. I think cases would be a lot less miserable for everyone if we got along.
Thanks again,
Y/L/N
Spencer, you’re such an idiot, he thought to himself.
You never came back after your lunch break ended and Derek made Spencer go tell Hotch why it’s his fault you were missing the rest of the day.
He tried to call you multiple times but they always rang out before going to voicemail.
Spencer hesitantly knocked on Penelope’s door at the end of the day.
“Is she okay?” he asked softly.
“You don’t get to ask that as the person who hurt her in the first place. Also, she told me to tell you that don’t you dare go to her apartment to ‘check on her’. I’m headed over there myself actually,” Penelope collected her things and shut off her monitors.
“Will you at least tell her I’m really sorry?” Spencer followed her to the elevator.
“Absolutely not. I’m not doing any apologizing on your behalf,” Penelope huffed as the elevators shut.
-
You came in the next morning, keeping your head down. You grabbed a pen from your cup holder and the first folder on your stack before getting to work.
You were on the second page of the file when your clean, empty tupperware was placed in front of you plus another baking dish with aluminum foil over the top.
You glanced up to see Spencer guiltily looking down at you and you returned your eyes back to the file.
“I-I made you cinnamon rolls,” Spencer broke the silence.
“Are they poisoned?” you asked, not sparing him another glance.
“No, they’re not poisoned,” he assured you.
“I’m just saying how can I trust you as you have made it very apparent you would like me off this team.”
“I didn’t mean that,” Spencer was quick to reply.
“Then why the hell did you say it, Reid?” you slammed your pen down.
You grabbed your empty coffee mug and briskly walked to the break room but unfortunately, Spencer was right behind you.
“I didn’t eat any of your cookies by the way. Not that I didn’t want to but I felt like I didn’t deserve them so I handed them out to everyone else.”
“Oh how kind, taking credit for my work,” you tried to close the door in his face.
“I told them that they were from you,” Spencer insisted.
You rolled your eyes as Spencer grabbed the coffee pot before you could get to it, pouring your mug of coffee for you.
“What do you want from me, Reid?” you asked defeatedly.
“I want you to try a cinnamon roll and let me explain.”
“Fine but only because I didn’t have breakfast yet and I want to critique your baking skills,” you huffed, walking back to your desk.
Spencer gingerly placed one of the sticky frosting-coated rolls on a napkin and pushed it towards you. You tentatively bit into it. Damn it, it was actually delicious.
“It’s okay,” you understated.
You knew Spencer hardly ever used his kitchen let alone be up baking all night. He even chose a recipe that required more time and effort because the yeast dough would have to rise for a few hours.
“That’s good. The first batch didn’t come out as great...or the second,” he smiled softly.
“Well, the floor is all yours, Reid. Please explain to me why you talk shit about me to my co-workers when I’m in the other room,” you leaned back in your chair and crossed your arms.
Spencer muttered something incoherent.
“I have to hear the apology, you know,” you said, enjoying watching him uncomfortable.
“You’re intimidating to me because you’re intelligent, beautiful, and courageous. I think I was a little jealous that my spotlight as the ‘kid’ of the BAU was coming to an end so I said some harsh, completely untrue things and I’m sincerely sorry.”
“Oh my god,” you smirked, “Hotch was right, you are an elementary school kid.”
“In what way?” he curiously asked.
“You like me like like like me. You don’t know how to talk to the girl so you pull her pigtails on the playground,” you giggled.
“I take it back. You’re a horrible profiler,” Spencer was getting up from his seat, completely flustered.
“Awww,” you were laughing at Spencer’s bright red face as he went to go to the break room to fill his coffee mug.
When he got back to his desk, a sticky note was placed front and center.
In typical elementary school fashion…
Will you go get coffee with me?
Check:
Yes
or
No
Spencer smiled before picking up his pen and checking one of the boxes, crumpling the sticky note up into a ball and throwing it over to your desk.
“Good choice. See you Saturday at 9 at the cafe down the street,” you grinned.
“It’s a date,” he smiled.
#willsannievent#spencer reid x you#spencer reid fanfiction#spencer reid x reader#spencer reid angst#spencer reid fluff#spencer x reader#reid x reader#spencer reid#cm fanfic#criminal minds
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Fuck Diet Culture
This is going to be long. It’s going to be rambly. It’s going to be sad. It’s going to be angry. There’s going to be language some people don’t like. I can’t NOT talk about it though.
Fuck diet culture. Let me say that again. Fuck. Diet. Culture.
It has taken such a huge chunk out of my life. I have lost pieces of myself I’m not sure I’ll ever get back. The only way to heal is to go through. I can’t go back. I have to move forward. But I can’t do it quietly. I can’t hide. I can’t live in the same shame I’ve spent the last 40 years in. Literally. 40 years of my life wasted to this. I can’t bear to live the back half of my life in the same way. What the hell is the point?
I’m not going to write this in any particular order because all of the thoughts and feelings swimming around are snapshots of things in my life that diet culture has broken in me or stolen from me.
A lot of you aren’t going to agree with me. That’s okay. Truly. This is about ME. This is to help ME heal. You can talk to me about your struggles, your diets, your ups and downs, your successes and whatnot. I am here for you in all of it.
But I won’t diet with you anymore. Never again.
Currently I am having severe knee pain. One knee is worse than the other, but both are bad. I should go to the doctor. I should have gone to the doctor years ago for it. Want to know why I didn’t? My weight. I have injuries from overuse and over exercise and I am terrified that I am going to go to the doctor and the first words they’re going to say are “Well, if you lost 20, 30, 40, 50 pounds, it probably wouldn’t hurt so much.” instead of listening to me, examining me, scanning my knees and HELPING me. I don’t feel this way irrationally. This shit happens. I am in pain. I don’t know how to get help without being told to go on another diet that will not work.
Because diets don’t work. Not long term. I am excellent at losing weight! I’ve done it over and over and over. Then I stop restricting, counting, starving, and pushing myself. Then my body says “What the fuck were you doing?” and puts it back.
I lost the ability years ago to know whether I’m actually hungry or not. I eat too fast when I do eat because if I snarf it down super fast I can get it in before my brain says “You’ve had too much. Did you count those calories? How many miles on a treadmill will you do to make up for that? Did you actually earn this meal?”
Every time. Every meal. Every morsel.
I have never been officially diagnosed with an eating disorder. Only been told by therapists and psychiatrists that I definitely engage in disordered eating.
No shit.
Every diet under the sun. Cabbage soup. Phen Fen. Weight watchers (MULTIPLE TIMES), TOPS, Noom, My Fitness Pal calorie counting, intermittent fasting, and every whacky bullshit thing in between promising results. I’ve purchased fancy scales. I’ve even tried one that wouldn’t show you your weight, but the color of your progress in the app. Here’s a hint… if you gain, your color is black like death. I’ve failed a million times and I’ve blamed myself. I am the failure. So I hate my body a little more every day and I stress about how I’m going to NOT pass my disordered eating and my food issues onto my kids. My stress levels are through the roof and 98% of it is diet culture related. What the fuck is that about?
Every time I start a program I hit it hard. Last time I tried anything involving tracking or counting I was so starving by the time I got home from work that I almost ripped a child’s head off (not literally OBVIOUSLY) but I screamed at her at the top of my lungs because she hurt my feelings. It wasn’t until after finally allowing myself to eat another morsel of food that I realized I was hangry.
Why is living in a larger body not acceptable? We all talk about diversity and equality as though we believe it with our whole hearts, but that doesn’t cross over to fat. Or skinny if we’re really being honest. How many times have you heard or seen online “Oh my god, she’s so skinny. Feed her a damn cheeseburger! She looks anorexic.” I know I have. I know I’ve said those words. I will punch myself in the gut if I ever say them again.
Every body is different. We are supposed to be. Let’s not BLAME genetics like it’s a bad thing. Let’s realize that it’s what nature has intended. My father is over 6 feet tall and a large man. He’s just a big man. He went on Nutri System when I was young, lost a ton of weight, and put a bunch back on over the years because he is a big man. My mother was not tall, but was always large. I hated her body because HER PARENTS told her all the time she was fat and unworthy and cautioned me not to grow up to be like her in any way. Even when she was poor and homeless she was still large. That was the way her body was. I wonder how different her life might have been if the size of her body hadn’t been a factor in the way she was raised or treated. How might that have made my life different?
I know a lot of you are probably rolling your eyes at me right now about being vocal about another health plan or saying to yourself “just because you have trouble with diets doesn’t mean they don’t work” I know there are people close to me thinking “She just always gets excited when she discovers a new diet, that’s probably what this is.” NO.
This is me finally realizing that I can heal and healing doesn’t mean I need to weigh 157 pounds. (That’s the weight limit for women my height to enter the air force when I did in 1992)
This is me finally realizing that I’ve been lying about the weight on my drivers license for 30 years because gods forbid anyone saw my real weight on that document.
This is me realizing that I’ve spent my life trying to live up to other people’s ideals of what I should look like because I assumed they wouldn’t like me otherwise.
This is me realizing how much unintentional harm I could have been doing when sharing another diet, another idea, another bout of “well this is working really well for me!” with people I care about.
This is me realizing how much damage I’ve been doing to myself living with this level of shame for 40 years.
Hiding what I’m doing. Suffering in silence. Hiding food. Restricting. Binging. Over exercising to compensate. Spending money on one last diet. Spending emotional energy on one last hope.
We were in Las Vegas for what was supposed to be a fun vacation last week and I was so hot and miserable and so steeped in hating my body because my painful knees were betraying me that my internal monologue was a never ending loop of “I’ll hit weight watchers REALLY HARD when we get home and get rid of this weight, then I’ll figure out my knees and work on maintenance”
Let me say that again, clearly. I struggled to enjoy my vacation because I was obsessing about restricting food AFTER my vacation.
One last time. One last meal.
BULLSHIT.
We walked by shops with weird and pretty fashion dresses. (I freely admit I don’t understand fashion) the husband and I would both point out ones we thought were pretty. My brain would get stuck on “Yeah, but they don’t make them in my size” or “Yeah, that would NOT look good on me. It looks fine on that size 0 mannequin” Pretty on other people. Other people are pretty. Not me.
Diet culture is pervasive and all consuming. In big ways and little ways. I’m 5 ft 9. I’m not a tiny person at any weight. I’ve always been told I’m too big. Even when I sit, I slouch a little and/or tuck my legs and feet up under me to try to make myself appear smaller and less invasive. This is subconscious. I don’t always realize I’m doing it until my knees remind me.
Most of my life has been things that get in the way of my diets. “I should start the diet today, but it’ll have to wait until next week because so and so’s birthday is this week and I want to be able to enjoy that.” or “It’s late fall, I should just start now but first there’s my birthday, and then Thanksgiving, and December happens and there’s all kinds of treats then. Better wait until January, but not the first because that’s new year’s...maybe the following Monday.” or the ever popular “I already had a bad eating day today, I’m a failure. Why bother? Fuck it. I’ll try again tomorrow.” That one was always followed by binging because of the last supper mentality. If I’m starting a diet tomorrow I better eat EVERYTHING NOW.
This is how I’ve lived my whole life. The time not spent dieting was just the time in between diets where I was planning my next diet. So much life wasted. The only time I was not actively dieting or planning the next diet or suffering from “I’m just too exhausting to put effort into food right now” was during my 4 pregnancies. I let myself eat whatever and whenever because I was nauseous all the time anyway and something in my brain made me fuel my body for the babies.
When the youngest was born and the on call doctor who delivered her told me I was too fat to have my tubes tied I definitely started planning diets again in that moment. I believe now, years later, that my diet and diet culture ruined mind and body is part of what kept me from being as successful at nursing the kids as I wished I had been. I assumed my body was broken and not good enough for my babies.
The last time I lost a LOT of weight it was because I didn’t want to ruin someone’s wedding pictures. True story. This was nothing that person felt or anything they told me. IT’s what my brain said to me. It’s how I de-valued myself. There are very few current pictures of me now because I’ve been stuck in a place where I feel shame when I see them.
When I’m dead, memories and pictures are all my kids and grandkids will have, and I hate myself too much to let anyone take them.
That’s not okay.
I dream about food. I daydream about food. Food I “shouldn’t” eat. Food I “should” eat. When to eat. When not to eat. Every spare ounce of energy is spent thinking about food or hating myself which leads to more thinking about food.
I am not in a place where I can prepare dinner for my family right now because it’s too hard to put that much energy into food. I force myself to pick the recipes from the app and get the shopping done via instacart so all anyone else has to do is pull up the recipe and make the food. If I’m looking at the ingredients or trying to prep anything I stare at every individual thing debating whether or not I “should” eat it.
This is going to take me a long time to break free from. Today I finally feel like I CAN break free.
There is nothing wrong with being in a large body or a small body. Food is not good or bad. Food is food. I have to say these things. I have to repeat them to myself or I fall down the rabbit hole again.
None of this is work anyone can do for me. I have to live it. I have to work through it. I have to figure it out.
If you read this far, my statement stands. If you’re on a diet, I will listen to your woes and hold your hand and I will not judge you for it. This was very hard to write because I am certain some of you who believe in diets, ways of life, and wellness eating may block me now because I spoke my mind. I’ve clung so tight to the people I love and refrained from being honest and speaking my mind for fear of abandonment. I’ll have to live with it if that’s the case here, because people sometimes need to do what’s best for them. Airing this out is one of those things for me. It’s a scary thing for sure.
I also want to say that I’m happy for this to lead to discussion. I’m not going to shut anyone down for wanting to talk to me about this. I am always open to learn new information and see different perspectives. Just know that if I’m emotional and feeling a lot of strong things about how my life has been up to this point, and I am entitled to believe what I believe just as you all are. I’m happy to share sources and books I’ve been reading on the subject. They are not diet books.
Here’s to doing better from here on out.
Here’s to finally being free.
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Sally McKenna x Wilhemina Venable x Reader - A little help Pt 5
word count: 3.1k
warnings: smoking, mention of drugs, hints of smut, cursing, panic attacks, anxiety
A/N: This is an eight-part story, hope you enjoy
Rushing through the busy halls of university, your mind is racing, the thoughts so loud it sounds like bees in your head and the thoughts just won't stop buzzing, causing your vision to blur slightly, ears ringing and trembling hands, the feeling of panic and losing control of the situation any moment. You rush into the nearest bathroom, bursting the nearest door open and quickly closing it, dropping your bag and books onto the floor and sliding down the wall, trying to calm down.
Shakily you try and reach for your phone to distract yourself, maybe playing a video or maybe even messaging them but you feel woozy with every movement of your body and so you close your eyes and abandon the thought of getting your phone out of your bag. ''Breathe idiot'' you remind yourself and you try a technique that has occasionally worked in the past before, whenever you felt a panic attack coming.
''Breathe in 4-3- nope nope not working too much too loud'' you try but fail miserably at keeping your breathing under control. ''Shit'' you mutter, noticing that the feeling isn't passing and the panic only growing but how the hell did you end up hyperventilating, sitting on the bathroom floor of your university?
After Sally's relapse a few weeks back, you taking her to Mina's work and going cold-turkey, things have changed and somehow took a more unexpected turn than you expected to. Sally struggled and she struggled badly at first, she couldn't cope, constantly having you or Wilhemina around, not able to get out of the house, only on walks where you two would accompany her. There were times when she felt hatred towards you two, but not really you two more what you are doing to her or rather keeping Sally from doing to herself. There were a lot of sleepless nights, you and Wilhemina taking turns, watching her and guiding her through this journey of detoxing her body from the drugs. It was constant ups and downs, it was really hard at first with all the withdrawal symptoms and the times she would just be throwing up everything she would eat or drink and you and Wilhemina often debating whether you need to get doctors involved.
There were the good days when caffeine and nicotine helped Sally's urges and you three actually had really good days together, snuggled up on the sofa, watching everyone's favorite movies and enjoying the quiet and each other's company. Then things started going downhill, with Wilhemina having to go into work again and you looking after Sally while she was still at home , blogging from home and posting a lot to distract herself from the withdrawal symptoms.
Everything went okay at first, Mina leaving early in the morning like she usually would, with a lunch bag you packed for her the night before, just like you usually would. You woke up, snuggling closer to Sally and enjoying some quality time with her, before she sat on the sofa, working on her blog and you decided to carry on finishing your thesis because deadlines were coming up. You two sat on the sofa together in comfortable silence, just working and it was almost calming but just almost.
You were unaware that day, that Sally was fighting the most recent and hardest battle with her addiction and that her body was craving something more than just caffeine to fight this empty feeling. Maybe it was the fact that Wilhemina had to go to work and Sally knowing you are different than Wilhemina, not as strong, not as strict.
At first you thought everything was okay and when she got up, you absent-mindedly asked what she was doing, only for her to tell you she is going to the toilet. You didn't think too much of it until you heard things smashing, being thrown across the bathroom and so you instantly rushed inside the bathroom, only to find a very overwhelmed Sally, searching through every draw and cabinet to find something, anything even Mina's painkillers, just anything so she could feel release and at peace but you and Mina were smarter than that beforehand and hid any potential dangers.
''Sally'' you pleaded, understanding immediately what was going on. ''I don't fucking care Y/N I need something'' she screamed in your face while tears streamed down her cheeks. ''Where are your cigarettes?'' you asked feeling helpless, although you are very aware that cigarettes and the stuff Sally is used to, are very different. ''I ran out'' she admitted and you took a step closer to her, putting your hands on her shoulders, your eyes begging her to calm down.
''We can go and buy some right now, let's get dressed okay?'' you asked and it took two more meltdowns before she agreed to leave the house with you.
From that day on, things took a more positive turn however and you and Wilhemina got Sally to agree to go to group counseling therapy, where she would sit with a group of people, twice a week to talk about her feelings and experiences.
At first she really didn't want to go and begged you to go with her and of course you did. Sally settled in surprisingly well and she actually started looking forward to those meetings, you and Wilhemina insisted on driving her and somebody would always take her there and pick her up again after an hour. Whenever you drove her for the first few weeks, you would actually wait in the parking lot, just making sure she doesn't just pretend to go inside and leave again as soon as you or Wilhemina left.
But she didn't and you didn't learn the reason for this until a while later, because the aspect of socialising at these sessions really helped Sally. Having a group of strangers there, sharing similar stories and her finally understanding her behavior and learning that she isn't responsible for this and that it's a cycle that is very hard to escape, especially when attempting to fight it alone. She would regularly walk back to the car with the happiest smile, reaching another milestone, one week clean, two weeks clean and soon it will be one month.
Sally would talk about what she learned that day, what the others shared, she talked about someone there relapsing and how it made her feel. To motivate her further you bought this calendar and hung it the kitchen where she can mark her appointments but also her milestones.
Just when Sally, one of the two most important people of your life started doing better, you still aware that she isn't magically cured and still on this hard path of battling and fighting her demons, your other lover Wilhemina at last cracked under the pressure of the past few weeks.
With Wilhemina it's different than Sally, you would never find her broken and sad on the sofa after crying herself to sleep. You would never have her admit something is wrong, you would never hear a single complaint coming from her and that's the dangerous thing with the redhead. She is a master at hiding and shielding her emotions, of course, you got her to open up gradually and break those walls down, to get her to open up, get her to be honest, and communicate feelings or things on her mind, just like she would expect of you.
It all started with her physical therapy appointments, for years she has attended those for her back, she would do exercises there or do them at home. You being the mastermind at planning every aspect of your and their lives, you also wrote her appointments in the calendar and usually Wilhemina and Sally would tick of their appointments when finished but inspecting the calendar a bit closer one afternoon, you noticed that she hasn't ticked one off in a very long time.
''Maybe she forgot but went there'' you tried convincing yourself, remembering the many times she has told you she went to an appointment or did the exercises at home when you and Sally would be at work. It wasn't until two days later when you found out the truth, after Wilhemina calling you from work
''Little one, are you free?'' she asked and even though you were sitting in the university library, working of course you said you are because you know whenever Wilhemina calls and needs a favor it's urgent. ''Yes what is it Mina?'' you asked
''Can you call the doctors I need my pain medication again, I'm heading into a meeting now but I can pick up the prescription tomorrow morning'' she let you know and of course you did as she asked.
However, when ringing the doctors office, that you have sometimes rang or been to before when Mina needed something, they informed you that Wilhemina shouldn't be receiving any pain medication for another week, because she should still have some left and on top of that they informed you that she hadn't attended her physical therapy appointments in a while.
When the call ended you felt this silence, despite sitting outside of your university, hearing students talk, cars drive by and even some bird chirping, it was silent. Because that moment was a wakeup call, a slap from reality right in the face, reminding you that Sally isn't the only one fighting her battles even if she fights them more openly.
''It can't be a coincidence'' you tried reminding yourself and as you drove home that day your anxiety was so high, fearing Wilhemina's reaction and confronting her because you knew deep down already, no matter how you would possibly say it, she will be mad.
''For fucks sake Y/N I have attended those shitty appointment and I don't have medication left, those doctors are useless'' she cursed and neither you nor Sally have seen her like that in a while. You debated whether to fight her on this, get her to lash out but in the end admit the truth, let you and Sally in so you could be there for her and comfort her, just that never happened.
''It doesn't matter I will call them myself in the morning'' she told you. This has now been about a week ago and things became a little strange at home, Wilhemina and you wouldn't talk as much, of course, you talked, greeting each other and small talk but there was this huge wall standing between you two, none of you knowing whether to start and break it down.
Your mind being occupied by something entirely different, made it difficult to focus on Wilhemina or Sally in this past week, of course you asked them how they are, you listened, you made them baths, you did anything but university pulled you right into this ocean again, waves of responsibilities and deadlines crashing right at you.
Maybe you pushing away your own problems, stress and anxiety for over a month now, solely focussing on your two girlfriends and their wellbeing, reality and the lack of self care is finally hitting you, causing you to almost collapse on the bathroom floor of your university.
The sad part is that you did it, you finished your thesis about three days ago and today is finally the day where you are allowed to hand it in and finally have the stress come to an end, with no more obligatory classes now and you just having a break until you recieve your grades.
For the past five days or so, you haven't been able to sleep, eat or drink a lot. Of course you would occasionally force yourself to have a bite or some water or fall asleep, sitting in Mina's office in the middle of the night, reading over your thesis and work again and again. Usually before these things Mina would read over it, making sure you didn't get anything mixed up or any spelling mistakes, from all the hours of writing, researching. But within this past week, things have been so strange that you didn't want to ask her.
Still hyperventilating you are pulled out of the buzzing and loud thoughts when you hear your phone ringing. Closing your eyes, you hold your hand out and try reaching for your backpack and you manage to find a strap and pull it onto your body. Momentarily you wrap your arms around your bag as if it was a shield, stopping this crushing feeling in your chest, the pain and the thoughts, as if bullets of thoughts are being shot against you and your backpack shielding you.
But the vibration of your phone is tugging you out of this state yet again, even just for a moment. Somehow you manage to open the zip of your bag and you reach for your phone, the vibration making it easy to find with your eyes still closed, the dizzy feeling still too strong. Finally you manage to open your eyes and see Sally's photo through a blurry vision and you press the green button on your screen and the speaker button next, thinking it will be too much to actually lead the phone to your ear.
''Hi pumpkin'' her angelic voice rings through the speakers and somehow, even in this dark and scary moment you manage to smile. ''He- hey'' you manage to say and you can hear ruffling in the background
''I'm just going to one of my meetings and I was wondering how my pumpkin is doing'' she says and the crushing feeling in your chest, replaces with a fluttering feeling, you feel whenever being referred to as either their little one or pumpkin.
''By the way me and Mina were wondering when is your thesis due?'' she asks while lighting a cigarette in the car. ''I- today'' you say, feeling your breathing very slowly calming down and going to a more normal state.
''Today?'' she asks a bit shocked and she pauses for a moment, confused why you didn't mention that before, knowing how important that is to you. ''Yeah'' you mumble ''How come you didn't tell us, I could have taken you there today pumpkin or Mina could have read it again'' she asks.
Opening your eyes now, you see the time and realize you have to hand in your thesis now so you quickly try and prop yourself up, Sally's voice still right there, making you feel save and relaxed. ''I'm sorry I gotta go I have to hand it in now'' you explain and Sally nods before saying ''Good luck, love you pumpkin''.
After standing up and grabbing your bag slowly, you hold onto the bathroom walls, the last bit of stability that you have right now to hold on to, to shield you and keep you from losing control. After taking one more steady and deep breath, you unlock the door and walk towards the sink, putting some cold water on your wrists and also your face.
You open your backpack and grab a lemon gum because the sour taste usually distracts you from whatever is bothering you and the buzzing thoughts. Finally leaving the bathroom, you walk past the classrooms and hallways filled with students, for what kind of feels like one of the last times.
Your time at university flashes before your eyes in this moment, you see the main entrance and you remember the many times Sally or Mina would take you here on a monday morning after spending a beautiful weekend with them and them not having to go into work until the day later.
The places you stood, like your locker for instance, where Sally would sometimes call you and ask for help or Mina calling you and asking about your day and classes. You remember wandering these halls a few years back, before meeting Sally and Wilhemina and feeling confused as to how on earth you could ever get rid of this lonely feeling or the little skip of your heart, whenever you saw a couple kiss or hold hands. Then just about a year after, you found them and you then knew what it feels like to be held, to be kissed or to intertwine your hands with theirs.
''Oh hi there'' you hear Miss Anderson's voice and suddenly you snap out of your memories and thoughts. ''Hello Miss'' you reply with a polite smile and as you look at her you can see her features changing. ''Oh dear you don't look so well, are you okay?'' she asks and you simply nod, not really wanting to go into any details about your panic attacks or the state you were in moments before, but you can't deny how pale you are and how shaken you seem.
''Have you handed in your thesis yet?'' she asks but you shake your head ''I was just on the way'' you explain and she gives you an emphatic smile before saying ''I was just on my way over there too, come on'' and you follow her to the classroom where you are meant to hand it in.
As you arrive, you see some of your classmates, leaving the classroom, high-fiving each other and leaving with such a relieved and carefree expression, all the assignments, all the stress and exams finally over and the many sleepless nights now feeling like they were worth something.
You are greeted by Miss Parker ''Hi dear'' she greets you and you open your backpack and hand her your thesis with shaky hands, still not completely recovered from the panic attack. She looks at you, then Miss Anderson while retrieving the big folder that you carefully picked, every font, every word filled with so much detail. ''You just need to sign here now'' she explains and you do and she gives you a document after, that confirms you handed the biggest part of your entire work and time here, in now.
''You should probably get home and get some rest after all this exhausting time'' Miss Anderson suggests and you nod before Miss Parker jokingly says ''Oh come on she's young, she should be out celebrating'' and you smile at them before saying ''I will'' without explaining which suggestion you actually referred to and leaving the classroom with a polite smile.
#sally mckenna#wilhemina venable#sarah paulson x reader#ahs apocalypse#ahs fandom#american horror story#ahs icons#sally mckenna x wilhemina venable#sally mckenna x reader#wilhemina venable x reader#ahs hotel#writing#watpad
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Felix Felicis
MSR. AU. PG-13. | tagging @today-in-fic | AO3
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10
Chapter 11 - Friday Night's Alright For Fighting
[ FM ]
On Friday, it’s Felix’s mother’s turn to pick him up from school since he’ll be spending the weekend at her place. I briefly wonder if he’ll tell her about his new-found admiration for the enigmatic Miss Scully and for just a little bit, the petty side of me wishes he would. It’s not that she’s a bad mother per se, but she never shared a strong connection with our son and ever since the divorce, it somehow got worse instead of better.
Felix took the divorce pretty hard, lashing out at me and the teacher and kids at kindergarten. There were times when I couldn’t even recognize my own kid. Because of my background in psychology, I tried to talk to him countless times but I finally had to admit that I was too emotionally involved to really help him. So we began to see a therapist back in Washington, D.C, him and I. His mother refused to participate because “He never acts out when he’s at my place, Fox, seems to me like that’s a you-problem.” That day, only the thought of what would become of my son if I went to jail had kept me from murdering her on the spot.
We don’t stay in contact much, except for negotiating pick-up and drop-off times for Felix, and that’s about all I can handle from her. The custody battle was a hot mess, not because she particularly wanted to keep Felix, but she used it to humiliate me, dragging my abilities as a father and caretaker through the mud in front of a judge and our lawyers. I tried to keep Felix out of the court hearings, putting my foot firmly down when her lawyer suggested that we could just ask the child where he wanted to live. He was three years old at the time, fat chance I was going to let that happen.
Thankfully, we were able to convince the judge that I was willing and more than capable of caring for our son and that me working from home was a more child-friendly environment than his mother’s job, which takes her out of the country several times a month.
I take off my reading glasses and close my laptop, this trip down memory lane has put me in a sour mood. After putting away everything work-related for the weekend, I stretch my arms over my head, contemplating what to do with my free time. I don’t have any friends here yet and since I can’t meet anyone at work, I decide to walk down the street to the harbor.
The streets are pretty busy with locals and tourists alike and as I walk past the crowd that stand around the rock that marks the place where the pilgrims debarked the Mayflower back in 1620, I think to myself ‘Guys it’s just a rock. In the ground. Walled in on all four sides.’ I was pretty disappointed, if you couldn’t already guess that.
I continue my walk and pass the dock where you can usually see the Mayflower II anchored, swaying with the waves of the Atlantic. She’s an accurate and beautiful reproduction of the original ship with which the pilgrims had sailed to America, founding Plymouth Colony after 10 gruesome weeks at sea.
Currently though, the dock is empty safe for a few seagulls harassing the tourists – they have taken the ship to a shipyard in Connecticut for restoration, much to Felix’s chagrin. When he heard that we were going to move here, he spent countless hours reading up on the history of Plymouth, the Pilgrims and everything that happened afterwards. He got a real kick out of imagining the American Protestors and the British Government officials dressed up in frilly dresses and huge feathered hats, actually having a fancy tea party instead of the Boston Tea Party, which escalated the American Revolution in 1773.
His special interest, though, had been captured by the Mayflower, which is not surprising because he loves anything that’s big and can transport people or cargo. Planes, helicopters, trains, you name it, but especially ships. On the first night in our new house, he insisted that we leave the boxes packed for now and head down to the harbor, right now.
At first, always the responsible adult, I refused, but he didn’t let up, resorting to pleading with me, then he practically begged me and when I still wouldn’t budge he went in for the kill with his puppy-dog look and a pronounced pout. I could see the tears welling up in his eyes. Damn, he was using my very own look against me!
The tears still came a little while after, when we reached the harbor and found the dock deserted. I wanted to kick myself for not checking if the ship was actually there or not and I had to carry a bawling, devastated Felix back to our house. He only stopped crying when I promised him that we’d go see the Mayflower II the very second she sailed back into the harbor.
After another, more pleasant, trip down memory lane, I had reached my destination: The Cabby Shack, a local bar and restaurant that is made up of an inside bar downstairs and two large decks, the lower one housing the outside bar, the upper one the restaurant.
Making my way through the crowded room, I spotted an empty seat at the bar and ordered a drink aptly named Islands of Misfits. I snorted out a laugh at how accurately it described my situation right now. Island of Misfits alright, inhabitant: 1.
I took a sip of my drink and twirled the tiny umbrella between my fingers when out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone take the seat next to me at the bar.
“Islands of Misfits, huh? Must be bad!” Looking up, I’m surprised to see that it’s Walter Skinner, my son’s principal.
“Yeah, sort of. Sorry, hello sir, it’s nice to see you!” He shakes my hand briefly and orders himself a whiskey on the rocks. Had I been a more insecure man I would’ve felt stupid for my drink choice, but as it was, if I like my drinks sweet and with a cutesy umbrella in it, then that’s what I’ll have. And don’t you dare forget the fucking umbrella!
“So Mr. Mulder, what is it, love troubles?” As a born and raised city boy I have yet to come to terms with small town frankness but I like Principal Skinner and his lack of beating around the bush.
But still, I couldn’t exactly tell him the whole truth, I don’t think he’d appreciate a Actually yes, sir, I’ve been staring at one of your teachers for every damn day of the week and when I’m not busy staring at her, I think about her all the time. I wonder if her kisses taste like strawberries and what her hair smells like. I’m driving myself slowly insane by imagining running my tongue over the spot where her neck meets her shoulder and let me tell you about the dreams I’ve been having real quick. Yeah that won’t fly.
First, he’d kick my ass into the sixth dimension and then he’d have me arrested for gross misconduct or worse, sexual harassment. Even though I’m not sure if that’s really applicable when it only takes place in your mind, it’s still inappropriate as all hell and I’m not going to test out my little theory. I don’t think I’d fare well in jail, to be honest.
So instead, I opt for a more appropriate half-version of the truth. “Yeah, sort of. I had a huge argument with my ex-wife over the phone when she was late picking our son up from school. If I had one, I think my swear jar would be able to buy me my own Island of Misfits. And what’s even worse is that I think my – our son was there to hear at least her end of the fight.” I take a miserable sip from my drink.
“I’m really sorry to hear that, Mr. Mulder. Your son’s name is Felix, right? He’s in Miss Anderson’s first grade?” Thankful for the slight change of topic, I nod.
“Yes, sir, that’s him. We got off to a rocky start but after the first week, he really loves going to school, Mr. Skinner.” The other man shakes his head and offers me his hand once again.
“Please, call me Walter. Outside of school only, of course, you understand.”
I grab his hand and give it a brief shake, smiling wryly. “Of course. I’m Fox but I make everyone call me Mulder. Even my parents. I hate my name.” He huffs out a laugh at that and I can tell that it’s a rare occasion.
“I get the feeling you’re in need of a friend on your island, Mulder not Fox.”
That I do, indeed.
Island of Maybe not such Misfits, inhabitants: 2.
Chapter 12 - A Rainbow In Its Natural Habitat
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My eating was more regular when I was able to buy fruit because I would eat fruit as snacks on a schedule (fuck That Guy’s vehement opposition to eating on a schedule it’s the only thing that kept me from eating constantly AND also made sure Son DID eat), and be satisfied.
I had to stop buying apples because they were consistently rotten in the cores. Apples were perfect snacks. Eat the apple, it’s gone, oh! Snack’s over! Whereas eat some chips, there’s still more chips, mmmm salt, keep eating chips.
Stopped buying strawberries because they were already moldy on the shelf.
Same with blueberries. I’ve thrown away multiple pans of blueberries because there was mold hidden in the middle and stopped bothering to try.
Snap peas are hit or miss. I tend to end up throwing out about half a batch every time for brown, slimy rot.
The seasons really don’t seem to matter.
Stopped buying white bread, the only bread I can eat, because I hated it so much it went moldy before I got through it. Wish I could buy a half-loaf. But that’s on me, that stuff is preserved all to hell it just took me too long to choke it all down.
Aldi’s tropical snack mix had rotten nuts so many times that I got in the habit of throwing the nuts away without even trying them. Then the raisins started being boozy. I keep telling That Guy to stop buying it. Maybe if I don’t open it no one will, then no one will eat it (no one eats anything unless I open it), and we’ll not buy it anymore.
I NEVER buy produce at Aldi. It’s always moldy and rife with fruit flies.
Just.... Rotten. So much rotten food. Even frozen veggies tend to have rotten bits that I have to sift through and pick out.
So instead of eating a piece of fruit on a schedule and keeping my eating even and relatively kidney friendly, I’ve been overeating things like chips and salty snack mixes, and Cheez-its, and Aldi cookies, and home-made fruit leathers which aren’t necessarily bad since they do still have some of the fiber but not all of it because the skins are gone, and drinking like 5 cups of sweetened coffee with milk a day.
I think I thought I hadn’t eaten as much today because it wasn’t until 12:30 that I got my second coffee.
I’ve been wanting to go shopping somewhere else (we have a Weis, a Martin’s, and a Food Lion, though our Food Lion tends to be no better than Walmart) and we keep going to Walmart because it’s cheaper. That Guy makes 6figs a year and insists we get our groceries at Walmart because it’s cheaper, and faster, and it’s a one-stop thing other than I refuse to drink Walmart’s plastic-flavored milk so we get milk at Aldi and a lot of the time that’s rotten, too.
Which isn’t Aldi’s fault, it’s the local distributor’s for sending them rotten food. Though you’d think they’d be like “Hey this is rotten we can’t put this out.” and send it back or something.
I’d rather see an empty shelf than one full of inedible, bug infested, literal garbage.
It could be rectified by letting me get groceries by myself on the weekends when he’s not using the car. I don’t mind the time it takes to go to multiple stores and get not-rotten food. Grocery day is the only day I leave the house and I don’t WANT to be rushed through Walmart real fast so we can get home again as fast as possible because That Guy HATES doing the grocery shopping.
Or if we had a second car I could go during the week. I like going on Monday mornings. It’s quiet.
But he won’t let me do it. He demands to be the one in control of shopping even though he hates it and makes it miserable for everyone. He also demands that I pay attention to him when he’s not at work, so me being out on the weekends is unacceptable.
Just like when I started looking for work and he got upset even though he demanded I do so, or like how he suggested I work at the gas station in town but changed his mind when I looked into that and reported back that the only positions available were overnight meaning he’d be sleeping alone.
He makes everything hard.
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Naughty Neighbors pt. 5 (Elriel)
My anxiety literally couldn’t stand thinking yall were upset/confused, so here’s the fifth part. Disclaimer I stole a line from From Blood and Ash.
1 more part to go... and it’s out tomorrow because I already wrote it lol. Sneak peak = smut
_____________________________________________________________
~Azriel~
“You look like shit, man,” Rhys remarks, sipping his whiskey and eyeing me curiously.
“Yeah, what’s wrong with you?” Cassian asks from behind the bar, sliding another beer in front of me.
“Bad week,” I mutter, taking a long pull from the bottle.
That’s a fucking understatement.
It’s been exactly seven days since Elain basically told me to go fuck myself.
I’d stupidly thought everything would kind of work itself out this week. I mean, there was no way she was planning to stay in that apartment for two whole weeks. She had to come out, which to me, meant I got to see her.
Except, unlike I’d thought, she didn’t come to her senses and tell me what I did when the inevitable run-in happened.
Nope.
She threw up.
I was leaving work, and she’d happened to be closing her shop at the same time. She’d looked up, and for a split second, she’d looked at me like she used to.
Like I meant something to her.
But then her skin went pale, eyes misty, and she put a hand over her mouth and turned back to the shop at a run.
Basically, the sight of me made her nauseous.
And if that didn’t make the week suck enough, the words she’d shouted at me last Friday sure as shit got the job done.
I’m not stupid enough to love you.
Oh yeah, that felt good.
Actually, every time I thought about it felt like getting punched in the chest. I’m not exactly keen on reliving that moment right now, even with two of my best friends. I’m here to drink, not depress myself further.
So when Cassian opens his fat mouth again, I growl, “Fucking drop it.”
His eyebrows shoot up, along with Rhys’s. Honestly, if I weren’t so damn miserable, mine would, too. These two idiots have known me my entire life and have pulled me out of some dark places, and I never snap at them.
“Sorry, man. I’m just... I don’t feel like talking about it.”
He nods, but there’s confusion and concern in his eyes. I look down at the bar.
I can practically feel the two of them exchanging a look, and I sigh, knowing what’s coming.
Rhys confirms it a second later. “Alright, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
“Nothing.”
Cassian grins. “Pussy problems, huh?”
“Shut up,” Rhys tells him, but then glances at me and his eyebrows shoot up and he grins. “He’s right, isn’t he? You’re having pussy problems?”
I’m ready to swing on them both. “Hard to have pussy problems when you’re not getting any. And stop saying that, anyway. We sound like assholes.”
Rhys’s lips twitch. “You really like this girl.”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Why not?”
“Because she hates me.”
“Why do you think she hates you?” Cassian asks.
I grimace at the memory. “Well, for starters there’s the fact that she told me to stay the fuck away from her. And that she’d be stupid to love me. Oh, and then when I saw her this week, she literally threw up at the sight of my face.”
My best friends look at each other in shock. “She told you she’d be stupid to love you?” Rhys asks, and I nod. “What the hell did you do?”
Dropping my forehead to the bar, I grumble, “I have no idea. She kissed me, and then the next time I saw her she’s crying and asking me if this she’s a game to me or something. No, a sick joke. She asked if me flirting with her was a sick joke.”
I lean up and swipe a bottle from the bar shelf then pour some straight in my mouth.
“Did you try apologizing?”
“Yeah. She told me to save the bullshit.”
I drink some more, but Cassian gives me a concerned look and takes the bottle back.
“You have to talk to her, man,” Rhys informs me like the very helpful bastard he is.
“Didn’t you hear the part about her puking last time she saw me?”
Cassian chips in. “Bring a bucket.”
I roll my eyes, but the urge to smile makes my lips twitch.
“Just talk to her, Az. She has to at least tell you what happened.”
Easier said then done.
~
The next day, I take a deep breath, tell myself to stop being such a little bitch, and step into The Archeron.
My eyes find Elain immediately, so I get to watch the little smile on her face fall away when she sees me.
“You’re... in my shop.”
It’s the first thing she’s said to me in two weeks. It’s definitely not what I want to hear, but it’s fucking wonderful just to hear her voice.
“Yeah,” I say like a dumbass.
“You never come in here,” she points out, still shocked apparently. But that ebbs to something I like even less, and she demands, “Leave.”
Reaching to grab a random flower from one of the many overflowing bins, I throw it on the counter. “I’m a paying customer, and I’m not leaving.”
“Fine. That’ll be thirty dollars.”
My brows shoot up. “For a fucking weed?”
Her beautiful brown eyes narrow, and she gives me a victorious, evil little smile. “Just since you called it a weed, I think the price has gone up to fifty. If you don’t want it, you can always leave.”
Oh, she thinks she’s so clever, doesn’t she.
I stomp over and grab another one. “I’ll take two.”
Before she can tell me the price has doubled or something, I throw a bill down on the counter.
She snatches it up and puts it in the register, glaring at me the entire time.
“You have your weeds,” she tells me. “Please leave.”
“Not until you tell me why you went from kissing me to hating me.”
Elain rolls her eyes and grabs her phone off the counter. “I’m calling the police.”
Well, she’s dedicated to her desire to get rid of me, I’ll give her that. But she’s not getting away with it so easily.
I snatch the phone up and put it in my back pocket. “Feel free to come get it.”
“Fine.” She does come around the counter, but she brushes past me and heads straight for the door. “Keep the damn phone. I’m leaving.”
“No, you’re not,” I inform her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her to stand in front of me. “Just tell me, Elain. Please. I swear I’ll leave you alone if you do.”
That seems to get her attention. She considers that proposition, decides it’s worth it just to get rid of me, and shouts, “I heard you, you bastard!”
“Okay... heard me do what?”
Is this about me having fake sex with Mor? Because she didn’t seem to care-
“I heard you on the phone,” she says in a hard, harsh tone. “I heard you tell that woman that I kissed you. And I heard you laugh about it.”
Woman? What woman? What the hell is she talking about?
I open my mouth to ask, but she’s on a roll now and doesn’t give me the chance. “Oh, don’t look so confused. I literally heard you say you want me to love you before you have sex with me. I heard you say you’re going to trick me!”
She reaches out and shoves me, then yells, “And I am not a fucking maiden!”
Understanding dawns on that word and I realize how stupid I’ve been.
She heard me talk to Mor. After we kissed.
Oh, gods. She hasn’t talked to me in two weeks because she thinks I’m playing her and that I’m dating Mor?
I can’t stop the smile from pulling on my cheeks. She’s going to be so pissed when I tell her. “Elain-”
“You told her you love her! So go! Go love her, and leave me the hell out of your little games!”
She’s breathing hard, skin flushed, and looks ready to set me on fire.
And even though I know she’ll try and kill me for laughing, I can’t stop it. “I’m such a fucking idiot.”
~Elain~
Well, he’s got that right.
“You’re an asshole, too. An big, idiotic asshole.”
Even if he doesn’t look like an asshole at the moment. He looks like he’s trying not to laugh again.
He keeps grinning as he slaps a hand over her mouth and rolls his eyes. “Thank you.”
Rage flares, and before she knows what she’s doing, she bites his finger hard enough to get him to drop his hand.
“Did you just... bite me?”
She nods, refusing to let her face heat at how he managed to make that question sound so damn dirty.
But that plan goes out the door when he murmurs, “It was kind of hot.”
I’m going to kill him.
She decides against homicide, but reaches out and slaps him as hard as she can. “I hate you!”
Palm to his red cheek, he looks down at her, the disbelief on his face almost comical. “You’re so unbelievably violent, Elain. You should know I find it really sexy.”
She growls in a manner she should probably be ashamed of, then shoves him as hard as she can. “Get out.”
Azriel just grabs her wrists and holds them above her head. “No.”
“Yes!”
He yanks her wrists, and they’re flush together, both breathing hard. “You are insane if you think I’m giving you up because of this stupid shit.”
“I am not stupid.”
“Never said you were, baby girl.” She grits her teeth, and he grins down at her. “Elain, there’s no other woman.”
Pulling on her wrists is fruitless, but she does it anyway. “Liar.”
“She’s my best friend!”
Rolling her eyes, she shoots back, “Oh, sure, Azriel. The best friend you have sex with and talk to at night and tell you love her. Sure. I just said I’m not stupid, so stop treating me like I am!”
“I’ve never had sex with her,” he says, lips twitching.
If her hands were free, she’d smack that little smile. “You’re lying! I literally heard you have sex with her!”
“You heard what I wanted you to hear. We were fully dressed the whole time.”
Her mouth drops open at how ridiculous he is. He’s seriously trying to get her to believe that? “You are such a piece of shit.”
He rolls his eyes. “I promise, Elain. She’s my best friend. I told her about you, and how jealous I was listening to you and Lucien fuck--if you can even call it that--and she wanted to help me out.”
“Oh, I’m sure she did,” she says hatefully, pulling again on her arms.
“I’ve never had sex with her. I won’t ever have sex with her. She’s gay, for fuck’s sake.”
Elain scoffs. “I saw the two of you kiss! No gay woman kisses a man like that, you disgusting-”
“Stop calling me an asshole. I promise you’ll regret it when you realize I’m innocent.”
“That will never happen, because you aren’t.”
Azriel sighs. “You’ll believe me eventually. And I did tell her I love her. Because I do. She’s my best friend.”
“That’s really sweet. Thanks so much for telling me that,” she says in a sugary sweet tone. His jaw tightens.
But he finally releases her hands and takes a step away. “I’m telling you the truth. What’s it going to take for you to believe me?”
“Just leave, Azriel. I can’t hear any more of this.” Her voice cracks, and she hates herself for having to fight back tears.
She’d felt so unbelievably embarrassed when she’d heard him talking to that woman. The laugh, the way he’d admitted to trying to trick her, the way he’d said I love you.
His eyes go soft, and it pulls at her chest to see that expression on him. He’s suddenly close to her, brushing a finger over her cheek. She should push him away, tell him to get out. But just for a second, she wants to stand here with him.
It feels--felt--so right with him, and it hurt to be that wrong about someone.
“You know,” he murmurs, voice soft and caring, “You wouldn’t be this upset if you didn’t love me.”
Elain sucks a breath in, and he grins.
“I don’t love you.”
Why does saying that make me want to cry?
“Back to lying, I see.” Azriel leans in and presses a quick kiss to her cheek. “That’s okay. I’ll prove everything to you. I’m not giving up. You’re worth fighting for, Elain.”
Then he tosses her forgotten phone on the counter and walks to the door. Turning back to her suddenly, he smiles and says, “Oh. And you look beautiful today.”
He’s gone before she can find something to throw at him.
Elain stands there and watches him walk to the tattoo shop. Her heart’s at war with her brain, and she walks back to her post behind the counter, finding his very expensive flowers lying there forgotten.
She knows she should forget everything he said. It was the most ridiculous thing she’d ever heard, anyway.
But he’d sounded so sincere. And he looked as awful as she feels.
She doesn’t know how he could ever do it, but she hopes he does what he said and proves he’s innocent.
You’re worth fighting for.
I hate him, she tells herself, even as she picks up his flowers and smiles.
___________________________________________________________
Part 6
@astreia-oniria @keshavomit @elrielllll @januarystears @zukos-simp @whimsyrhys @lameomclameo @wineywitch202 @thedarkdemigod @captainthefangirlofhp @elriel4life @queen-of-glass @courtofjurdan @nessiantho @texas-shaped-waffle-maker @stardelia @myshadowsingeraz @tswaney17 @illyriangarbage @nicerhero @fancycrowncat @sjmships @poisonous00 @perseusannabeth @cursebreaker29 @girl-who-reads-the-books @aelinfeyreeleven945tbln @rowanisahunk @superspiritfestival @studyliketate @over300books @justgiu12 @maastrash @a-bit-of-a-cactus @aesthetics-11 @bamchickawowow @b00kworm @sleeping-and-books @musicmaam @savemesoon8 @hizqueen4life @maybekindasortaace
#elriel#elriel fanfiction#acotar#acomaf#acowar#acofas#acotar fanfiction#azriel#illyrians#a court of mist and fury#a court of thorns and roses#a court of wings and ruin#a court of frost and starlight
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i like us like this // jamie benn x reader
summary: jamie benn is the worst blind date you’ve ever been on, and yet he somehow manages to redeem himself.
word count: 5k
author’s note: please enjoy!! (kinda got writers block in the middle of this and had to power through so i hope it’s still as good as i wanted it to be🥴) as always i would love some feedback <3333
“I want to set you up on a blind date,” Gab said, settling down onto the couch with you. Your groan and the exasperated sigh of her boyfriend, Tyler, in the kitchen sounded simultaneously. “Enough of that,” she grumbled, “and that.” She pointed a warning finger at Tyler. “Let me set you up, pleeeeease.”
“Gab, I’m going to be honest,” you sighed. “I don’t think I’m ready.”
“But how do you know?” she asked. “It’s been over a month.”
“It’s been a month and three days,” you argued. “That’s hardly over a month.”
Gab grunted, turning her back to pout in the direction of the television.
The room went silent again as Tyler settled onto the couch beside Gab and tugged her under his arm. You enjoyed the few minutes of silence as the movie she threw on started. You knew that it wouldn’t last long. Gab didn’t go down without a fight, so you were just waiting for her to start pushing for the date again.
It took all of twenty minutes.
“One date,” Gab pushed. Tyler laughed. “It’s with Ty’s best friend, too!”
You looked at her, then over at Tyler. He shrugged.
“Fine.”
If Tyler was friends with this guy, he was probably okay.
The plans were made for the following Friday night. Jamie texted you to confirm that picking you up around 5 would work, which you agreed to, and then he sent the restaurant’s website. That’s when you started freaking out.
“Gab, I do not belong at a restaurant like this!” you yelled as you stormed across the apartment and into her room. She was already smiling when you entered the room. “It’s a five-star restaurant. I eat in our university’s dining hall when I want to eat out! I don’t have clothes for this!”
“Sure, you do,” Gab said. She stood up and tugged you back to your bedroom. As she sifted through the closet, you watched in dismay. It took her all of five minutes to locate the slip dress she was in search of. A little red thing that you’d worn during undergrad once to a date party with your ex.
“The odds of me fitting into that are slim,” you mumbled. Gab rolled her eyes, throwing the garment at you anyway. She tossed herself onto the bed and motioned for you to put it on. And, once the dress was on, you were proved wrong.
“You look hot.”
“I do,” you admitted, staring at yourself in the mirror. Gab laughed. “Time check?”
“You have an hour.”
Jamie showed up right on time with a knock at your front door. He was wearing a white button up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, and your eyes immediately found their way to the definition of his muscles and the tattoos on his skin. He was handsome. Certainly your type in the way of looks. You made a mental note to tell Gab she definitely knew your taste in men.
“Nice to meet you, YN,” he said as he leaned in to place a kiss to your cheek. His hand rested against your hip, and you tried not to think about how large he was compared to you. “You ready to go?”
“Yeah, I’m starving.”
Jamie offered one more smile before taking your hand in his and leading you out of the building to his car. You took one peek at the way his hand engulfed yours and decided that unless his personality really sucked, you just might invite him in for a night cap at the end of the night.
The restaurant was incredible. Each table had a pristine white tablecloth across it with candles beside a small arrangement of flowers. Jamie pulled out your chair as soon as you got to the table and, when the waitress came over for drink orders, he ordered the most expensive red wine on the menu.
The date started out great. But, as soon as the food came out, the conversation fell flat.
He asked about school, prompting you to explain your graduate degree program in a total of fifteen minutes. So, naturally, you asked about his career. What you weren’t expecting was the rant that came after.
At the mention of the upcoming season, Jamie’s shoulders seemed to tense up and you couldn’t quite understand why. And, after he grumbled about how frustrated he’s been with the preseason games and practices, he tried his best to move on and talk about something else. It just didn’t happen.
Jamie felt horrible. He hadn’t meant to let it all out like that, but he’d been so busy preparing for the season that he couldn’t think about much else, despite the beautiful woman across from him. He wasn’t an idiot. He caught on to your non-verbal cues that this wasn’t going quite as well as expected. He knew he wasn’t going to get a second date, and he was never going to hear the end of it from Tyler and Gab.
After dinner, Jamie dropped you off at your apartment. He got out of the car, swinging your door open for you in an attempt to salvage the disaster of a date you’d just been on. You smiled at him and fell right into step as you walked up to the building.
“Can we be honest with each other?” You had come to a full stop in front of the building. He nodded at your question, brown eyes studying your face as he waited for you to speak again. “I think you’re really great, and we get along well. But, I don’t think this could work right now.”
Jamie let out a soft tuft of breath and said, “Agreed.”
You had to resist the urge to roll your eyes. Was he always this short and terse? Did he have a personality outside of his career? It was getting harder and harder to understand why Gab would set you up with this guy.
“Okay, well,” you murmured. “It was nice meeting you, Jamie. Thank you so much for dinner.”
“It was no problem,” Jamie answered. He nodded towards your apartment building. “You sure you don’t want me to walk you up?”
“Yeah, I’ll be okay.”
Jamie nodded, a faint smile gracing his lips only for a moment, before he turned away and began the walk back to his car. You turned your back as well and began to mentally prepare for the onslaught of questions from Gab.
“How’d it go?” she asked as soon as you walked through the door. “Will there be a second date?”
“No,” you answered, dropping your sweater over the hook near the door. Gab pouted, looking upset with herself for not picking a better match. You reached out and tugged her into a hug. “It was an okay date, but we both agreed that it just won’t work.”
“What is it? Was he mean to you?” she asked, eyes wide. “Tyler said sometimes he can get a little bitchy.”
“No, it wasn’t that,” you responded, giggly at the thought of Tyler calling his captain ‘bitchy’. “I don’t know, Gab. He just seemed a little on the edge, cranky, serious. He talked about hockey the entire time, which is fine but he just sounded miserable. Also, I didn’t laugh… At all.”
“Seriously?” she asked. She seemed surprised, which shocked you. “I really thought he’d be a good match because his sense of humor is a bit like yours.”
“He really had me in the first half,” you admitted. “Like, Gab, he’s cute as hell. But, the conversation was a downer.”
“Yikes.” That voice didn’t belong to Gab. It belonged to Tyler who had just rounded the corner from Gab’s bedroom. He leaned up against the wall, arms crossed in front of him, and said, “Chubbs is never gonna live this one down.”
“Tyler, if you say one word to him of what I said,” you began. “I’ll kill you.” He laughed. “I know which shampoo and conditioner bottles are yours in the shower. Don’t tempt me.”
Tyler put his hands up in defeat.
“You have my word.”
You saw Jamie a few more times after that date, and each time you exchanged nothing more than ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, and some polite conversation in between. You were thankful that the date didn’t create an awkward tension between the two of you, and you were super thankful Tyler had kept his promise to keep his mouth shut.
About a week before their season officially began, Tyler planned a party at his house. One last hoorah before the season started to get really busy for him and the boys. You went along with Gab, as usual, excited to see some of the girls you’d gotten to know through her and Tyler.
Tyler’s house was almost filled to capacity, and you’d lost Gab hours ago to the dancefloor or Tyler’s bedroom. It didn’t really matter. You were about three drinks in and feeling yourself.
You slipped into the kitchen to make your fourth drink a little after eleven. It was empty, which was surprising, but you didn’t question it and immediately went in for the liquor. You were pouring a vodka Sprite for yourself, with a heavy hand on the liquor when Jamie’s voice spoke up from the entrance.
“I heard you don’t think I’m funny.”
You spun on your heel, nearly knocking the Vodka over behind you as you did so.
“I told Tyler no to say anything,” you grumbled. Jamie raised an eyebrow at you as he settled into a stool at the kitchen counter. “If he shows up to practice bald next week, don’t be surprised.”
“Actually, Gab told me.”
“What?” you asked. “Why did she tell you I said that?”
“She yelled at me,” he said. “Told me that I fucked up.”
“Jesus.”
“S’okay,” he murmured. He walked over to where you were standing, and grabbed a cup from beside you. “I think maybe I did. I spent way too much of that date talking about myself.” Your cheeks warmed at his admission, and the tension seemed to roll off his shoulders. Suddenly, he was grinning from ear-to-ear. “What are you drinking?”
“Vodka Sprite,” you answered, turning to face the drinks with him. He nodded, eyes scanning the counter filled with liquor. He grabbed the Vodka, then the Sprite with a satisfied smirk. You laughed. “Copycat.”
“Where’ve you been all night?” he asked. “I saw Gab a while ago before her and Ty slipped down the hallway, but I haven’t seen you.”
“I was with Roope for a while,” you answered, eyes glancing toward the doorway. Jamie put the Vodka down and glanced at you with a raised brow. You returned his gaze.
“He’s a little young for you, no?” he asked. You stared at him, blank faced and shocked that he’d said that. And then he grinned. “I’m kidding!”
“Oh! He can joke!”
“Here we go,” he mumbled. He finished up his drink and took a sip from it. He leaned his hip against the counter, jabbing a finger in your direction. “I’ll have you know that I’m actually very funny. I think I was just having an off night.”
“Well, then, how’s tonight looking for you?”
“Good, I think,” Jamie answered. He looked down at you with a mischievous glint in his eyes. “Why don’t you hang around me and find out?”
For some reason, you chose to do as he asked. You spent the night by his side, being tugged from the beer pong table to the living room couch, back to the beer pong table. And, much to your surprise, Jamie was making you belly laugh almost the entire time. He seemed looser, happier that night. The weight of prepping for the season had finally been pushed aside, and he was ready to start the season off on a good foot.
Maybe Gab was right about setting the two of you up.
A little after midnight, you stepped out onto the porch with a water bottle in hand. The sliding glass door opened behind you and Jamie stepped out to join. He walked over to where you stood by the railing and leaned his back against it. He turned his face to the stars.
“I like you like this,” you murmured. Jamie looked back at you, his facial expression unreadable for only a moment before a smirk split his face. “You’re a lot more relaxed. Some might even go as far as saying you’re kinda funny.”
“Thank you,” he said with a laugh. You giggled, looking back out at Tyler’s backyard. Jamie turned as well, bumping your shoulder as he did so. “I’m sorry about our date, by the way.”
“Oh, it’s fine,” you murmured. He shook his head.
“It’s really not, YN,” he urged. “I was a complete dick. I couldn’t put my stress away long enough to get to know you, and I was mad at myself for days after.”
“Mad at yourself?”
“So mad,” he repeated. You laughed, dropping your face into your hands to stop him from seeing your blush. He kept talking. “You looked so good in that red dress. And you were so sweet, and funny. And, oh my God, I couldn’t get over how cute you looked when you were admiring the restaurant.”
“I don’t go to five-star restaurants often!” you exclaimed. Jamie barked out a laugh. “It was such a nice restaurant.”
“Yeah, it’s my favorite,” he murmured. He took another sip of his drink. “Did you like the wine, though?”
“Yeah, Jamie,” you answered. “I loved that wine.”
You stood out on the deck with him for a little longer, chatting about everything but hockey. He asked you questions about your degree and your family and how you ended up living with Gab. He told dumb stories about Tyler that made tears come out of your eyes.
“I like your laugh,” Jamie whispered after you managed to stop laughing. You looked up at him, heart pounding in your chest, and smirked.
“Yeah, I bet you like it now that you’re the reason for it.”
“Hey!” he exclaimed. And then you were laughing again, and he made a promise to himself to keep getting you to laugh like that. “Would this Jamie get a second date?”
“I mean, he could definitely try,” you said, playful smile still on your lips.
“What are you doing this Tuesday?”
And, so, you went on a second date with Jamie. And then a third, and a fourth.
Each date was a date. Like, dinner reservations at fancy Dallas restaurants that you’d never even batted an eye at on your graduate student budget. Jamie remembered what you said about how you’d never been to a five-star restaurant, and he decided to make that a thing of the past. Gone were the Netflix dates you used to have with your ex. Jamie made sure to treat you right.
But he was also taking things way too slow.
He kissed you goodnight after your second date, and then both hello and goodbye on the third.
It wasn’t until the fourth date, and an entire bottle of wine, that you got that goodbye make out. In your past experiences, it never took this long to get a guy in bed. And, yet, Jamie hadn’t even tried.
So, on your fifth date and after about three weeks of talking every day, you had to ask.
“You’re not seeing anyone else, right?” you asked, coming to a stop three steps away from your front door. The question had been at the forefront of your mind all night. Maybe he wasn’t sleeping with you because he was getting it somewhere else.
“No,” he answered. His eyebrows drew together in concern as he thought over your question. And then his eyes widened. “Are you seeing anyone else?”
“No!”
Jamie smiled and reached out to tug you into him. His arm wrapped around your waist, pulling you up against his chest. His free hand wrapped around the back of your neck and pulled your lips to his. Just before kissing you, he murmured against your lips, “Good.”
You reveled in the feeling of his fingers when they laced through the hair at the back of your neck and the way his other hand slid down the curve of your ass without a care for who could see. And, when he sucked on your lower lip, Jamie nearly lost it at the soft moan that fell from your lips.
He swore he would have kept kissing you in that hallway for hours, not a care in the world. And you felt the same.
When you finally pulled away, mostly for a breath of fresh air, you leaned your forehead against his with a sigh. Jamie chuckled, tilting his head to place a kiss against your cheek.
“Remember when you didn’t want to go on another date with me?” he asked, pulling away completely. You nodded, the redness of your cheeks giving away your embarrassment about not seeing what was right in front of you that night. He took your hand in his and walked toward your apartment door.
“Don’t get too comfortable, Benn,” you warned teasingly. “My midterm exams are coming up. I’m about to be swamped, so our next date might have to wait.”
“We don’t have to do dinner, you know,” he said, leaning against the wall beside your door. “If you’re grabbing coffee and studying somewhere, I’d come by to see you for a little impromptu date.”
You eyed him skeptically, doubting that it was something he’d want to do. In your eyes, Jamie was still too good to be true, and he was a professional athlete. Once he saw you in your natural, stressed out student habitat, the glimmer was going to fade. You had yourself convinced.
“Maybe,” you said before leaning forward and kissing him goodnight. “I’ll talk to you soon.”
It took all of one week for you to cave. You spoke to Jamie almost every day, and even that wasn’t enough. You wanted him near you, close, and he wanted the same. He made it known every single day. So, you caved. You invited him to meet you at the Starbucks around the block from your apartment building with one rule. He couldn’t distract you while you studied.
That morning, you shuffled around your room looking for something that was comfortable enough for studying but also cute enough to impress the new man in your life. But, you were quickly reminded that you haven’t had to impress any guys in a while. Damn long-term relationships.
You ended up throwing on joggers and an over-sized t-shirt with a pair of slip-on Vans before slipping out your apartment door with your backpack.
Studying started out okay, but you could feel Jamie watching you from the opposite side of the booth. You wished you could read his mind, figure out what he was looking at you for. Did he think you looked too much like a bum? What did he think of your glasses? They weren’t exactly trendy anymore.
You were trying your best to ignore him, and the questions in your head, despite the overwhelming desire to lean over and kiss his smirk off his face. But, when you saw him reach across the booth and felt him tug the earbud from your ear, you knew your concentration was going to go down the drain.
“What?”
“I like you like this,” Jamie said. Your heart skipped a beat, and then you remembered saying those words to him just a month prior. Your cheeks turned a light pink beneath his gaze.
“You like me like this?” you asked, motioning to the lazy day outfit you were in. “Stressed out?”
“No, not stressed out,” he answered with a chuckle. “You look good, even if you are stressed.”
“Jamie, I haven’t showered in two days,” you admitted. He barked out a laugh. “Dry shampoo is my best friend.”
“That’s what that smell is?” he teased. You ripped a piece of paper out of your notebook to crumple it up and throw at him. He shifted out of its way. “I’m kidding, YN.”
“I know,” you mumbled. You redirected your attention to the textbook in front of you, and began reading again. Jamie stayed for another forty minutes, alternating between reading his book and watching you.
He did really like the way you looked sitting across from him in that coffee shop. He liked that you weren’t as put together as he usually saw you, and to him it meant you finally had your guard down. He liked the way your hair was gathered in a bun on top of your head and he thought you looked cute as hell in those glasses that sat on the bridge of your nose.
He might’ve even said he liked this look more than those slip dresses and heels you wore out to dinner. But, then again, those were sexy as hell too.
Jamie was beginning to wonder if he’d ever find a side to you that he didn’t like.
When it hit noon, he decided it was time to go and grabbed your hand from where it rested on your books. You looked up at him, tugging one of your earbuds out as you did.
“I’m leaving,” he said. You couldn’t stop yourself from pouting in response. He let out a soft groan and leaned forward to place a kiss against that pout. When he pulled away, he stood to leave, grabbing his things with him. “When you’re done with these exams, we’re going to celebrate.”
“96!” you exclaimed into the phone as you fell back onto your bed. “I got a 96 on my last midterm exam.”
“That’s awesome, babe,” Jamie murmured into the phone. “And right on time, too.”
It had been a week and a half since the last time you saw Jamie at the coffee shop. Between your midterm schedule and his game schedule, time didn’t allow for date nights. You kept each other off the ledge through texts and quick phone calls, chatting about the plans you wanted to make when your schedules freed up again.
Jamie promised to celebrate as soon as your exams were done, and he pulled through. He’d planned for everyone to come by his place that Friday night. The fact that your last grade came back before the pregame began made his plans just a little bit sweeter.
He picked you up not long after your phone call, and brought you back to his place where some of your friends were already waiting. Gab and Tyler showed up not too long after your arrival and the pregame was in full swing.
After making your rounds, you found Jamie in the kitchen. He was pouring himself another drink when you approached, wrapping your arms around his waist to pull his back into your chest. He chuckled softly.
“You know you didn’t have to get everyone together for this occasion, right?” you asked. Jamie nodded as he turned to face you. “Like, it was just my midterms. The semester isn’t even close to over.”
He reached up to cup your cheeks, and leaned in to place a kiss against your lips. When he pulled away, he said, “Doesn’t matter to me. I’ll celebrate you like this during finals, too.”
Your heart fluttered at his tone of voice, and the way he was looking at you. You felt like the only girl in the world with the party in the other room was momentarily forgotten.
About an hour later, you were in the VIP section of a club and wrapped up in Jamie’s arms, literally. He went all out, as usual. You were quick to tell him he didn’t need to do things like this, and he was quick to kiss you quiet.
“I want to do these things for you,” he murmured against your lips as he walked you backwards towards the dancefloor. He spun you in his arms, and you happily pressed your back against him as you danced to the music blasting from the DJ booth.
This was the closest you’d ever been, save for the few make-outs in his car after dinner but even then, the center console was always in the way. Right then, there was nothing preventing Jamie from touching you, holding you close. Except maybe all the people in the club, and that damn dress you were wearing. He wanted it off.
His fingers slid down your thigh, brushing along the hem of your dress, and you were putty in his hands. You turned, taking his chin in your hand to pull him in. You kissed him like you were the only people in the club, even with Tyler and Gab’s hollering beside you.
You hardly made it back to your apartment that night. You were both so giggly drunk when you stumbled into the cab. As soon as the cab’s door closed to the outside world, Jamie’s hands were all over you. He tugged your legs over his lap and pulled you close to kiss you, one hand resting between your thighs just above your knees.
His touch lit your skin on fire.
You made out the entire way home, the entire way up the elevator, only stopping when you had to open the door to your apartment. Even then, Jamie’s hands rested on your stomach and his lips pressed up against your neck and your shoulders, any inch of skin it could touch.
“I’m proud of you,” he murmured against the shell of your ear. You sighed happily, turning the key in the door’s lock and pushing the door open. “Even if it was just midterms.”
You laughed at the way he mimicked your voice, then slipped out of his grip. Your heart was pounding from nerves and excitement. This moment felt all too real. You’d been wanting to go farther, wanted him in bed the first night you met him. But now, right as it was about to happen, you were a bundle of nerves.
“You hungry?”
“Little bit,” he answered, following you into the kitchen. He leaned up against the counter as you sifted through the frozen foods you’d stocked up on for drunken nights like these. “The team nutritionist is going to hate me this season after spending all this time with you.”
“Well, then, you should stock my fridge up with healthy things then,” you stated. Jamie chuckled and took a step forward to wrap his arms around your waist. Your search for late-night snacks was momentarily forgotten as he brushed the hair from your neck and placed a kiss against your skin.
“Why don’t we,” he started. He kissed the space just below your ear before continuing, “just look for snacks later?”
You turned in his arms, dropping your own arms around his shoulders. He smiled down at you as his eyes studied every bit of your face. You sighed softly, lifting one hand to run through his hair.
“I like you,” you whispered. He grinned. “A lot.”
“I’m crazy about you,” he responded. Jamie picked you up, and your legs wrapped around his waist immediately. He asked again, “Snacks later?”
“Sure.”
Jamie carried you to your bedroom, dropping you onto the mattress with a laugh before his lips were back on yours and his hands were sliding up your thighs. Your dress was gone in seconds, and then you helped him out of his own clothes.
Jamie took his time, admired every bit of your body. He didn’t want to forget any of this moment. He was crazy about you, every piece of you, and he was thanking his lucky stars that you agreed to go on a second date with him after the dumpster fire of a first one.
“I like us like this,” you whispered into his ear a few minutes after you finished. Jamie’s lips ghosted the skin of your collarbone as he peppered kisses along your skin to your shoulder. He looked up at you, brushing the hair out of your face before placing a kiss against your lips.
“God, me too,” he sighed. “I really like us like this.”
You burst out giggling as you laced your fingers in his hair, and Jamie watched you. He was completely enamored with you, everything about you. And then he started laughing with you because who wouldn’t?
“Do you want a snack now?”
“Did I not just have one?” he asked, glancing down at your naked body still pressed up against him. You laughed.
“That was awful,” you told him through giggles. Jamie chuckled, nuzzling his face into your neck as you continued to make fun of him. “I’m not just a snack. I’m a damn meal, Jamie Benn.”
“Don’t I know it!” Jamie exclaimed, rolling onto his back. You laughed. “Alright, let’s get snacks.”
“Okay, okay,” you mumbled. You stood up and grabbed his shirt, throwing it on like a dress. “I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
Jamie was sitting on the counter with two pints of ice cream in his hands, waiting for you. You nudged yourself between his legs, sighing happily when he handed one of the pints to you. The apartment was silent and Jamie had wrapped his legs around your body to keep you close to him.
After a few minutes, Jamie spoke up, “I like us like this, too.” You smiled up at him. “Just for the record.”
“Me too,” you agreed. He leaned down and pressed a kiss against your lips. “I like us all the time.”
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Caught in The Act (Bakugou x Reader x Todoroki)
ONE MORE CHAPTER LEFTTTT!!! I honestly loved how fun this has been with you all! It’s gonna be bittersweet to end it for sure
Love you
HnM💕
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Finale
Part 5:
Your fingers anxiously danced against the back of his hot neck as you ingested his expression. Todoroki was always an extremely difficult person to evaluate, even when the two you were at your closest, so it was no surprise that you were unable to pinpoint his emotions. You could, however, narrow it down to something similar to discomfort… maybe sadness?
Your fingers halted their dance as you suddenly gathered him into a hug. You deepy sighed against his chest as your fingers slowly dropped from around his neck to meet with his face instead, “God, you’re so right,” you shook your head, trying to rid yourself from the guilt that ate at you, “It wouldn’t be fair to Bakugou, and I would be putting myself on his level by moving on so fast, anyway.”
He grabbed you softly by your wrists and floated them down as he stared purposefully at you, “This has nothing to do with him,” he tenderly reprimanded, “Let’s give us some time. It’s all about you properly healing. You said that to me once, remember? In U.A.?”
You totally had said those words to him in high school. It wasn’t the same situation, but comparisons could be made, you guessed. When you first met Todoroki, you had naturally gravitated towards him due to the stoic demeanor of his that mirrored your own. As time went on, you had found, however, that the similarities had not just ended there.
His father, much like your own, was a very miserable man, who committed very miserable acts of hatred against his own children. You had spoken those words of encouragement to Todoroki after he had lashed out on you because of his deeper-rooted pains.
“Yeah I guess you’re right,” you blinked, completely unprepared for the barrage of memories dating back to your high school days.
“Trust me, I have never craved affection like I crave it from you,” he reassured as he dropped your hands fully so they dangled by your sides, “but it wont do either of us good to rush into things right now. For now, let’s not even expect to start a relationship. Maybe expectations are what messed us up last time.”
You and Todoroki had vowed to try things again one day when he had become more comfortable with himself, as to not wear down your already fragile relationship. It had worked for the most part— mostly thanks to his other best friend Midoriya keeping him centered. You and Todo had become close again in no time at all—pretty much inseparable.
Pretty much.
As your shell broke, mostly due to your friends in class 1-A, you had begun to gravitate towards a certain explosive boy. Bakugou pretty much pulled out a side of you that felt as natural as breathing— like you had been holding your breath for years as you desperately tried to maintain an image of yourself that you thought would protect you, and when you two started dating it was like a weight had been lifted from your lungs.
You would still maintain a calm demeanor for the most part, because it was what made you feel safe, but you could finally expand your lungs again, having some flexibility in the persona.
Honestly the person had completely shattered once Bakugou cheated on you. Much like what had happened to All Might a few years back, your flexing form withered away little by little until you were eventually only able to conjure it in spurts.
But were you happy about that? You had nothing to hide behind now. You were completely bare and out in the open.
Honestly you were to blame as much as anyone else for that. You saw the signs ahead of time. You just didn’t want to admit it. Bakugou was cold, distant, rude, arrogant, hotheaded, and apparently disloyal. GOD!
Were you an idiot or what? Young you really dumped Prince Charming and got engaged to the fire breathing dragon.
You snapped yourself out of your thoughts once more as you raised your eyebrows together and looked at the man trying to keep his distance from you, “Todoroki… we were just kids. There’s nothing else to it.”
“Even so,” he smiled, but you swear that a flash of remorse flew across his expression, “I am just happy that we are friends again. I would be just fine with that for now.”
You reluctantly agreed as you tried to flash him a slight smile.
You and Todoroki had mostly stayed true to your agreement. At first, it was hard. Maybe it was the fact that you guys had been completely starved from each other for an entire year, but the tension that resided over the two of you was almost overwhelming.
Luckily, or unluckly, depending on how you want to look at it, Fae made a fixed habit of interrupting the two of you as soon as tensions became too sweltering. It was almost as if she had a cock blocking quirk. But no, her quirk was printing her thoughts on blank papers, which helped her a lot in her profession: writing.
She would often times come bursting in with her usual, “Oh! I’m sorry! I hope I am not interrupting something!” which the two of you would furiously deny before she would have Todoroki skim over her latest work in literature.
Over time her Cockblocking became less an less, but only because the intense moments became less an less. Time flew very quickly as the passing days where you would find yourselves in awkward, close-proximity situations, moved on to weeks where you would accidentally say something with too much sexuality in your voice, which finally moved on to months where the two of you would only steal lingering glances from one another.
All in all, you two eventually could cohabit without wanting to jump each other’s bones. You went on to working as a high school teacher as usual, he went on to working as a top hero as normal, and everything became rather smooth sailing from there.
Until it didn’t.
“Get the hell out of my way, you IcyHot bastard!!”
“Kachhan, we have to work together if we want to stop this guy!!”
“SHUT THE HELL UP, DEKU!!”
A group of heroes had gathered in the middle of the city square to corner a gigantic kaiju villain with an arbor quirk. The open space would allow for the heroes to minimize the already skyrocketed property damages due to his people-sized thorn projectiles. Ground Zero scoffed as he tried to distance himself from the other heroes and zero in on the villain by himself.
Kirishima frantically scrambled after his best friend. He knew that Bakugou certainly had not been in a good mood that day. He had hardly found any good days with the man since you had left two months ago frankly,
“Hey, Bakugou man, calm down!” Kirishima pleaded as he held his arms up to block his friend from moving closer to the villain, “We’ll never take this guy if you can’t keep your cool and focus!”
“Fucking watch me! I’ll take him down my damn self!” Bakugou threw a warning blast directly in Kirishimas face. Due to his quirk the blast didn’t hurt him at all, but it did send him back a few steps, allowing for Bakugou to move around him, “You think an extra like him is enough to keep top heroes down?!”
Kirishima blinked at his friends choice of words before a huge smile tore across his face, “So you believe in us? That’s thinking like a man, Bakugou!”
“Dammit, stop twisting my words, Kirishima!” the man fumed as his hands crackled angrily, “That’s not what I said, you dumbass!” he finished before Todoroki and Midoriya suddenly appeared by their side.
“Kachhan, you and Todoroki have to flank him from the right while I stay with the long range fighters up front as a distraction!” Izuku commanded. The man must have felt unimaginable pressure in the situation since he was the top hero, “Kirishima! You have to finish leading the evacuation. There are still people that need saving from under the rubble.”
“Don’t tell me what to do!!” Bakugou roared before begrudgingly heading to the right flank alongside Todoroki, “Just stay out of my way,” he growled.
“It likely wont be a problem, since you’ll have trouble keeping up with me anyway,” Todoroki coldly replied as he sped ahead of the blond, sliding on his ice.
“The HELL did you just say?!” The explosive man screeched before using the blasts in his hands to propel himself next to Todoroki again.
Todoroki didn’t even throw him glance, “Focus on the mission and being so damn irate.”
“Focus on this, asswipe!!” Bakugou roared as he blasted the other man away from him.
“Cut it out.” Todoroki lowly warned as he fixed himself to send the giant tree villain a sharp ice attack. Bakugou simply growled in response,
“Just get out of the way then, half and half bastard,” he seethed as he sent a series of wild explosions toward the villain. They were highly effective but knocked into the ice cage that Todorki had set up, allowing the kaiju to move enough to send a barrage of heavy splinters toward the two.
“LOOK OUT!” Izuku screamed right before the two managed to narrowly doge being impaled to death. The large splinters found their way whizzing past the two, piercing many buildings behind them. Todoroki clenched his fists tightly as crystals began to form on his hand,
“You’re acting like a child!”
“Maybe if your ice wasn’t so damn weak we wouldn’t be in this mess right now!” the blond spat back.
“Just STOP the nonsense, Bakugou!” he screamed very uncharacteristically, “I want to make it back home to Y/N in one piece,” he finished wildly.
Bakugou’s heart immediately shriveled inside of his chest, “What…” as Todoroki stormed back toward the villain, Bakugou felt as if the world around him was moving at a much slower pace and he replayed the other man’s words in his mind again.
Because he couldn’t have heard that right.
It felt as if one of those thorny projectiles had actually managed to stab him in the chest, as he tried to figure out with that damn mismatched loser had tried to insinuate. He loudly growled in frustration as he sent a colossal Howitzer impact towards the giant tree of a man, setting him aflame with a thunderous screech.
Bakugou found himself frozen again as he realized that no matter how loud he screeched, no matter how many things he blasted, this pain would never go away. It had been months and yet it was as if he still had a fresh, life threatening wound.
His faltering gave Todoroki and the other heroes the opportunity that they needed to rush in, extinguish the fire and contain the bad guy.
Bakugou watched the world slowly move around him before he fell limp, grabbing his throbbing wrist. No matter how many times his brain tried to reassess it could only come up with one scenario: you had ended up with Todoroki again—just as he always feared you would.
Bakugou didn’t even realize just how much the back of his eyes stung until Todoroki had spoken up to him once more, “There now was that so difficult?”
The blond kept his eyes low as he silently stormed away from the battle scene, leaving the other heroes baffled and confused as they watched his quiet form stalk away.
After the situation had been properly handled, Kirishima casually came home after work, just as he always did—completely unsuspecting of the shit show that he was about to walk into,
“Bakugou, man! We really could have used you out there for cleanup!”
“The mismatched bastard seemed to think he had everything under control,” he grumbled as he walked away from his sweaty, filthy roommate, “I’m sure even you guys could handle it,” he sneered without throwing him even a glance.
“That’s not the point!” Kirishima argued with furrowed eyebrows as he followed his friend. What the hell was he thinking? It was like Bakugou had completely forgotten all those years of training to be a hero,
“There were people who still needed saving, and you turned your back on them. I mean, you’re lucky no one died, man!” Kirishima had expected the other man to quite literaly explode at his words. The redhead was completely unprepared for the awkward silence that densely sat inbetween the two as Bakugou paused and stared at the ground in front of him.
Kirishima worried for a moment that maybe he had been too hard on his friend before the silence broke.
“Did you know…?” Bakugou finally croaked, “about, Y/N and Todoroki?” he grimaced at the ill feeling that the phrase left in his mouth.
“What?!” Kirishima gasped, “No! of course I didn’t... Seriously!? A-are you sure?” His eyes widened substantially.
“Why the hell would I make something like that up, huh??” Bakugou sharply grabbed Kirishima by the shoulder straps before throwing him against the wall, releasing him.
“Okay, man….” Kirishima cautiously began , “I am just gonna come out at say it! You need to talk about what happened between you and Y/N.”
“There’s nothing to talk about,” he huffed as he stiffly threw his hands into his pocket and walked to his room, slamming the door behind him. Kirishima sighed before walking up to the door,
“Hey Bakugou, I am your friend, man,” he argued into the wooden barrier, “You can talk to me! I can see that it’s eating you up inside. I just want to h—”
“Cut that shit out, Kirishima. I don’t want to talk,” his muffled voice sounded from the other side. Kirishima sharply bit his tongue as he debated on saying what was on his mind.
Fuck it.
“I’ve seen that ring in your pocket,” he breathed, “You still carry it around after all this time. I know you miss her like crazy. She was a great woman to you, but… it might be time to let her go, man,” even his own heart broke at the words that spilled from his lips, but he continued, “How are you supposed to do that if you can’t even talk about what went dow—"
Bakugou suddenly ripped the door back open, revealing his furious expression, “You don’t think I know that? Huh?! I know how amazing she is, fucking shitty hair. I’m the one who dated her remember?!” He screamed in Kirishima’s face, “No matter how many times you fucked her in that pervy little brain of yours, I am the one she slept next to every night. And now??” His voice cracked, “I’m alone every night with my fuck ups eating at me. How I let my soulmate down-- I let everyone down!!” He screeched.
Kirishima could only stand frozen with a horrified expression plastered onto his face, leaving Bakugou to scoff at him,
“Oh, What?! You didn’t think I knew?!” He angrily wiped his teary eyes with the back of his hand, “How you looked at her? How you found every excuse in the book to wedge yourself into our time together? That night, you told me that you didn’t want her to leave us. There is no us, you delusional bastard. It is me and her. Or was,” he angrily threw a quick glance up at the ceiling as he tried to hold back his tears,
“And you cant even spring up that familiy bullshit. Its not exactly the three amigos when you look at her like apiece of meat.”
“Look who’s talking,” Kirishima lowly muttered to himself.
“What the FUCK did you just say?!” Bakugou screeched as he shoved he other man hard into the wall behind him, leaving an obvious crack.
“Look, Bakugou, man, I know that you are hurting right now,” the calmer man began as he hardened and swatted Bakugou’s hands away from him, “but I am not about to feed into your anger, bro. I just want to help.”
“How the hell are you supposed to help me?” Bakugou shoved him again, earning a cautionary glance from Kirishima, “Can you help me erase what the fuck I did!? Can you help me get her back???” he shoved the other man over and over agin.
“You cheated!! I don’t think there is going back from that with her!!” Kirishima loudly blurted finaly.
“What the fuck do you know, loser?!” Bakugou screeched, his voice cracking as the back of his eyes dared to burn from his head. Kirishima walked away rather than try to indulge in his friend’s behavior, but Bakugou wasn’t having it, “Don’t walk away from me, bastard!!” he charged after the man, “Hey! We aren’t finished,” he screamed as he threw a blast directly into Kirishmias face.
His wrists still hurt from his altercation earlier but he didn’t care has he sent a barrage of assaults Kirishima’s way. Kirishima could only throw his arms up and initiate his quirk.
“Fight back dammit,” Bakugou wasn’t even trying to hold his voice back from falling apart anymore as tears agressivly rolled down his cheeks.
After a while of just taking it, Kirishima had finally had enough, “You haven’t even tried to fix things with her!” he erupted before the smack of his hardened fist against Bakugou’s face echoed against the walls, “You’ve just been avoiding everything that you are feeling and bottling it up until it explodes. And then you start all over again. You’re never going to get her back with that cycle!” Bakugou had fallen to the floor but was steadily picking himself back up,
“Shut up!” he snarled as his weakening muscles failed underneath him, sending him back to the floor.
“I mean at least try, man!” kirishima threw exasperated clenched fists into the air, “Do you even care that you’ll never be with her again? Or are you just one big self-pitying party?”
“I SAID SHUT THE HELL UP!!!” Bakugou roared as he sent a final large explosion Kirishima’s way. The redhead could hardly harden in time before the blast reached him.
After the smoke had cleared a hungry flame was revealed.
“Shit, man.” “Fucking hell.”
The two men could only watch in horror as the flames greedily began to eat away at their home, growing and destroying anything in their path.
Meanwhile.
You had a fire of your own to deal with,
“Hot, hot, hottt!!” you tried to ventilate your mouth with sharp sucking breaths as you tasted the gumbo that you were preparing. You were entirely too used to cooking for Katsuki for all those years.
“Hey, Y/N!” you heard Fae’s light voice sound from the front lving room, “Come on out, I would really like for you to meet my little sister before we head out!”
Oh yeah, you had forgotten that she was coming over today. Fae’s sister hardly ever stopped by, but you’d been dying to meet her after all of the funny stories Fae had shared about her,
“Okay coming, just gimme a sec!” You threw a pitying grimace to the pot of food you had been slaving over, “Hope she likes spicy food.” You whispered to yourself before throwing the stove on low and making your way to the living room,
“Sorry, I was just fixing up dinner! Hope you like Gum… bo.” Your word barely managed to find its way out of your mouth as you threw a horrified expression to the nightmare in front of you.
“Y/N, this is my sister, Farrah,” Fae’s sweet smile greatly contrast the soup of hot, disgusting feelings that had been simmering in your pot for two months.
Her sister, Farrah? You mean the same girl you had found pinned to your grandmother’s dresser two month ago.
“H-holy Shit! Sis, this is that crazy bitch I was telling you about!” Farrah anxiously tapped Fae on the shoulder, much like she had Bakugou that night.
Do you tell her about herself and calmly walk away from the situation? Or do you BEAT THAT HO ASS?
YOU DECIDE!
Follow this link to cast your vote!
#bakugou x reader#todoroki x reader#bakugou imagine#todoroki imagine#interactive story#mha#bnha#my hero academia#my hero fanfic#my hero academia fanfiction#bnha x reader#mha x reader#mha imagines#bnha imagines
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Not So Dangerous Liaison - Sidney Crosby - Part 5
Word Count: 2,287
POV: Sidney’s
Warnings: Language, Small spaces (if you have a fear of that)
Notes: Here we go part 5. I really like where this story is going, and I hope you guys do too. As always feedback in appreciated.
Not So Dangerous Masterlist
It was funny how lack of sleep could make a person more irritable with each passing moment. The plane ride to DC was miserable, the weather was so bad, that it was like riding on a roller coaster, so sleep was something that didn't happen. You'd even abandoned playing video games for when you hit a patch of turbulence; you'd end up hitting the wrong button. By the time you finally made it to the hotel and got your key from (Y/N), you were ready to rip someone's head off.
"Sid," Phil yelled as you headed for the elevator.
"What!" you snapped back at him.
"Jesus, you don't have to take my head off." You took a deep breath, softening your mood before he continued. "I just wanted to see if you told (Y/N) that dinner was at seven?"
"Shit," you'd completely forgot about dinner. All you wanted to do was head to your room and order dinner in, hopefully eliminating any run-ins with (Y/N). Obviously, that wasn't going to happen now.
"I'll take that as a no."
"Yeah, I sort of forgot about it." The doors to the elevator opened then and Phil got inside.
"Well she's right there, I'll see you in the lobby at seven." The doors slid closed and so did any opportunity of not seeing the girl who seemed to be torturing your dreams.
You turned around, and standing not twenty feet in front of you was (Y/N), with Beau beside her. It was as if your worst nightmares were coming true. "Miss the elevator, Sid?" Beau chuckled.
"Something like that." God, if he wasn't injured, you consider wiping the smirk off his face. "I needed to talk to (Y/N)."
"Oh, well in that case; I'll talk to you both later." He made a move towards the elevators but stopped short. "Thanks again for everything you did last night (Y/NickN)."
"Part of the job there, Sunshine." Ugh, god now the two were calling each other by their nicknames. Beau ducked into an open elevator, and (Y/N) turn her attention towards you. "So, what do you need Sid? More pillows or do you need something for the game. I'd be more than happy to run and go get whatever you need."
Why did she have to be so helpful? It made her so much harder to stay away from her when she was being so nice. "No, no. I don't need anything. I just wanted to remind you that dinners at seven tonight. We're all meeting in the lobby at six forty-five to walk down to the restaurant."
"Yeah, Phil told me earlier." What the hell, why had he….You were gonna wring his neck. "But thanks for reminding me. I'll see you down here shortly." She stepped into a free elevator then. "Are you coming?" There was no reason you had to stay by the elevator bank, so you joined her in the small confines. "So, was your room ok in Ottawa, I wasn't sure if you…" The elevator stopped suddenly, jarring you both as everything went black for a moment until the emergency lighting came on. You reached out and steadied (Y/N) purely on instinct. "What the hell."
"I think the elevator's stuck." You stated, arm still around her waist.
"Well can you make it unstuck?" You looked over at (Y/N) and she looked white as a sheet. Her skin was pale and you noticed her breathing was shallow. Reaching out, you hit a couple buttons and nothing happened.
"Yeah, I don't think we're going anywhere, at least for a minute or two."
"Well, we should press the emergency call or something." She sounded on edge. It occurred to you then, that she was having a panic attack.
"(Y/N), look at me. It's ok." Her eyes darted around the small space, and you could tell she was having a hard time breathing. "(Y/N) it's ok." You repeated to her hoping to reassure her. You grabbed her by the waist more forceful then and forced her to look at you. "Take a deep breath with me. In….ok and out….In….and out."
She finally calmed a bit. "Thanks, I'm sorry; I just really hate small spaces." Your hands didn't move from her waist, for she felt good in your arms. "I blame my brothers they locked me in my mom's hope chest when I was little as a joke. It was on them when my mom found me sobbing and they got grounded for two weeks." She smiled then and you could feel her relax even more.
"I'm surprised you handle the plane so well."
"I don't. Beau's been really nice telling me jokes at least until I'm comfortable in the air." So that's why the two were always laughing. "Some of them are so horrible, but it's so nice of him to take my mind off of it." God, you'd been such an ass, thinking that Beau was making a move on her; well he still could be, but this sort of put a whole new spin on things.
An operator came over the loudspeaker then, from when you'd hit the emergency call button. "This is hotel maintenance, we're aware of the problem and are working on it. It's our understanding that a transformer blew in the area and they are giving us a time frame of about an hour before the power is back on, and then we'll have your out of there right away. Are you ok in there at the moment?"
You looked at (Y/N) who nodded her head, that she was ok. "Yes, we're fine." You answered for the both of you.
"Ok then hang tight. If anything changes just hit the emergency button again."
"Are you sure you're ok?" While she'd already said yes, you just wanted to double-check.
"Yeah, I'm a little better now. Thanks." She moved out of your arms then, and you felt the loss more than just physically. "Guess we're going to be here a while." She plopped down on the floor and patted the spot next to her. "Might as well get comfortable." Thankfully, you'd both traveled in comfortable Pens clothing, instead of business suits, so it was easier to sit down on the floor beside her. "I'm now wishing I would've gone back for seconds at breakfast."
"Well, you're in luck." You grabbed your suitcase and opened the front pocket. "I'm not sure if you've heard this or not, but there's this new member working on our team. She does the best care packages in our rooms, and I so happen to have a little something left from mine." You pulled out a candy bar you had left and were saving for later tonight. She smiled, a bright beaming one that was directed solely at you and no one else. "Care for half?"
"Oh, you're a godsend." You broke the bar in half and handed part over to her.
"So, I have to ask. How did you know my favorite candy bar, being that I never handed in the form and all? Though I promise I will get it to you as soon as we get back home."
She swallowed then covered her mouth, in this cute little gesture. "Well I have to confess, I called your mom and asked." A cute pink blush stained her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I just wanted to introduce myself and well she was so incredibly sweet. We just got to talking and well one thing led to another and she gave me some insight. I hope you're not mad."
"Mad? No how could I be." You actually hadn't spoken to your mom in a couple days, but you were sure she was going to rave about (Y/N) the minute she picked up the phone. "She probably talked your ear off."
"We had a really nice conversation. I can't wait to meet her."
"Well, that will be probably soon. I'm sure they'll be in town for playoffs." Was it wrong to hope that the two would get along in person as well? You sure hoped not.
"This is sort of changing the subject, but I want to well…I guess clear the air about last night." Why was she bringing him up, when you were fantasizing about her meeting your mother and not just as someone who worked for the team.
Still, you found yourself saying, "You don't have to explain anything."
"Well I know it looked bad, but Chris asked if I would help Beau into his room after all the pain meds that they gave him. I had planned on leaving right away, but then he started whining." She laughed obviously thinking back. "At any rate, I fell asleep in the chair. I didn't want to wake him up, so I just crept out the door and well I ran into you." She stopped you before you could say anything. "I should've said something last night. I don't know why I didn't, but I didn't want you to think that I didn't take this job seriously, or that something was going on with Beau and I when there isn't or wasn't. Ok, now I feel stupid."
"(Y/N), I didn't think anything was going on." Even though you totally did, but it was nice to hear it from her own mouth. "I've heard Beau whine before." You chuckled then. "It's not pretty."
"I know right. I was afraid he'd wake the whole floor up." God, the sound of her laugh did unholy things to you.
Once her laughter died down, you decided to get something off your chest as well. "As long as we're confessing things, there's something I have to tell you." She cocked her head at you in question. "The first day in Ottawa, at the meeting, when you asked me if my room was ok." You rubbed the back of your neck as you were a bit embarrassed about this next part. "I hadn't actually noticed anything that you'd done." She didn't really react. "It wasn't anything about you. I just hadn't slept the night before, and the minute I got in the room; I crashed. After we talked, I went to the room and saw everything. It was really nice, what you did for all of us…well for me specifically."
"I'm glad you liked it. I'll admit, I thought I totally fucked up, especially with the book."
"God no. I love it; I'm halfway through it already." It really was a great read. She looked visibly relieved when you said that.
"I hope you like the one left you here. Well, if we ever get out here."
"Wait, did you do another one of those for this place?" That damn blush again, crept up to her cheeks, and you wondered if you kissed her, would she turn that shade as well.
"That's kind of what I'm supposed to do right? Make your jobs a bit easier. Which is why I don't feel bad that I made you share that candy bar." You laughed from deep down, something that didn't happen too often. (Y/N) was like this rare gem, that you only came across once in a lifetime and you were realizing more and more you didn't want to let this particular rock go.
"Well, I promise to share the other one, once this elevator starts moving again." You actually wanted to share more than that with her, which was a bit scary.
"As long as we don't have to split it while trapped in this elevator it's a deal."
"It hasn't been that bad, has it?" You asked her because honestly, you weren't sure if you ever wanted it to be unstuck.
"Honestly, it's been kind of fun." She smiled at you again, it wasn't that bright one from before. It was more secretive and you could be wrong, but a bit seductive. You found yourself leaning in towards her, as your hand glided over to her leg. Her lids started to drift closed as your mouth came closer to hers. It was if the whole world felt right in this one moment, and then the elevator got power and started back up again. The two of you flying apart and scrambling up from the floor. Neither of you said a word, though you could swear there was a look of disappointment in her face; that you were sure yours reflected as well.
It took about a minute before the doors opened, and there stood hotel maintenance to check on you both. "Are you guys ok?"
"Yeah, perfectly fine." (Y/N) answered as she stepped out; you following behind her.
"We're so sorry this happened. Is there anything we can do for either of you?"
"I think we're good, eh?" And (Y/N) nodded her agreement.
"Again, we apologize for the inconvenience."
"No problem." You told them, as they headed down the stairs back to their job. You stood there for a minute while they left, wondering what to say next to (Y/N), but she beat you to it.
"Thanks for keeping me calm in there. I should let you go rest and stuff…I'll see you in a little bit?"
This wasn't exactly how you saw this ending, but you could definitely use some time to regroup. "Yeah, I'll see you in the lobby in a couple hours." She headed down the hall in the opposite direction of where your room was; you watched her go, thinking that maybe waiting until playoffs were over to win (Y/N) was no longer an option. Flower was right, there was too much of a chance for someone else to capture her attention. The only thing left to do was figure out how to make a move tonight.
#Not So Dangerous Liaison Series#Sidney Crosby#sidney crosby imagine#Sidney Crosby Imagines#nhl imagines#nhl imagine#nhl fanfic#hockey imagines#hockey imagine#hockey fanfiction
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A Bit of Clarity 🍂 (5/?) The visions had started last autumn, a year ago now. It had caused a bit of chaos for some, a bit of clarity for others. Two days ago, Clarke Griffin had been perfectly fine managing both her Café and her stress. But now she was curious - so deeply curious about the vision of herself entwined with the aloof Lexa Woods that it was leading her to complete distraction.
[part 1] [part 2] [part 3] [part 4]
If there was someone or something overseeing their lives, pulling the strings of their destiny and purposefully nudging them toward specific paths, then Clarke wanted a fucking word with them.
It was a surprise, if not a shock, when she saw Lexa stroll into the shop with her laptop bag slung over her shoulder. It was barely a week after Clarke had resolved not to think about her anymore, a plan that hadn't always been successful. Lexa walked toward the counter with a proud chin, as if nothing had changed.
"Good morning," she said.
Clarke could have thrown a mini Bundt cake at her if Wells hadn't nearly burnt his apron making them.
"It was," she answered, deciding that professionalism was not in the cards today.
“I’ll have some pie, please."
“Humble?”
Lexa set her jaw. “And what would that taste like?”
Clarke smiled sardonically. “Bitter.”
Lexa held her stare before looking at the display. "I think I'll try the mini Bundt."
"For here or to go?" Clarke asked as she rang it up.
Lexa seemed disappointed to see that her usual seat by the weeping fig was occupied.
"Looks like it's busy."
"Faithful clientele," Clarke retorted, and then, "for the most part."
Lexa exhaled sharply before pulling out her wallet to pay in cash. "No problem, I'll have it to go."
Clarke put the mini Bundt in a paper bag. "No coffee?" she asked, though she didn't care much for the answer.
"Not today."
"I'm sorry we're fresh out of kale juice." It was a snippy comment that Clarke knew she was above making, but Lexa's sudden reappearance had touched a nerve.
Whatever Lexa wanted to say, she visibly stopped herself. She grabbed her mini Bundt and then pulled out a sheet of paper from her bag.
"Would you mind if I put this up? It's the ad for interviews."
"I offered, didn't I?"
"Offers change."
"I don't go back on my word," Clarke answered stubbornly.
Lexa challenged her stare before nodding and walking toward the board. She scanned over each flyer, seemingly trying to figure out which one she could put hers next to. Finally she pinned it near the middle right. It was a sober flyer; no bold colors or giant fonts, but eye-catching in its minimalism compared to the busier ads surrounding it. As always, Lexa stuck to the basics.
Carrying her mini Bundt, she gave Clarke one last look before leaving. Clarke noticed the tip she'd left and hung her head before going back to her doodles. It was going to be a slow, rainy day.
* * *
It was a slow, rainy week. The wind came first; strong gusts that swept up old leaves and knocked down hats. A downpour followed on Wednesday, unrelenting and miserable. Customers came into the shop drenched, sticking their umbrellas in the already full rack by the entrance before rubbing their cold hands together.
Clarke liked watching their faces; the expressions of relief at finally finding some shelter and comfort from the brutal rain. It was gloomy outside but the café was everyone's home for a little while, the colors still warm and the plants still thriving. She couldn't help but enjoy these moments regardless of the cold, remembering this feeling was exactly why she'd gotten into this business in the first place.
Still, Clarke was human. An hour before closing time she was already fantasizing about hot tomato soup and the comfort of her bed. She'd finished chatting with a regular when Wells came in looking like he'd run a mile to get here. He usually left much earlier than she did, but sometimes swung back to check on things before driving to meet Raven at the theater.
"You want to read this," he told her with barely contained excitement, clutching his phone against his soaked raincoat.
He rounded the counter and showed her the screen. It was an article from the Costial Gazette with a damning title:
Finn's Coffee & Bagels: Neither Fresh nor Clean
"What is this?" Clarke asked, skimming the article. There were mentions of false advertising, misleading business practices, trouble brewing with the Federal Trade Commission, mentions of artificial preservatives despite claims of the contrary, and, to top off the proverbial shit cake, an anonymous employee detailing horrid management. It was a scalding report - one Clarke had dreamed of writing herself.
Understandably, Wells couldn't stop grinning. "This is good, right? Especially the FTC stuff. Bad for him, good for us."
Clarke was about to answer when a thought struck her. She quickly scrolled back up: By Echo Blake and Lexa Woods.
Clarke shut her eyes closed. So maybe she'd jumped to conclusions when she'd seen Lexa at his shop. Maybe she'd made it personal. Who wouldn't? Lexa was still… Lexa. Impossible to read and impossible to understand.
"Titus will drop him for sure," Wells mused aloud. "How the hell did Finn get the old man to carry his brand anyway?"
"Money. Connections. Empty promises." Clarke had no doubt about that. "That's mostly how Finn gets what he wants."
Wells was still smiling from ear to ear when he texted Raven a link to the article. "Looks like it finally bit him in the ass. We should send the Gazette a Thank You cake."
Clarke leaned her elbows on the counter and let out a noncommittal grunt.
"What's wrong?" Wells asked. "I thought you'd be happy about this."
"Oh I'm happy. Just thinking about the humble pie I'm gonna have to eat myself."
* * *
Naturally, Clarke had to wait another week before Lexa dared show up again. She'd noticed that her ad had attracted some attention - curious customers reading it and then pocketing a tear-off tab - and was anticipating Lexa would come in to either replace it or take it down.
When she did, it was during the usual afternoon lull and Clarke felt nervous. Now that she knew her anger had stemmed from… well, a combination of things but also an overreaction, she was embarrassed by the way she'd previously spoken to Lexa.
When Lexa walked in, Clarke was cleaning one of the coffee machines. It was her distorted reflection that she saw in the nozzle; her discreet gait as she walked toward the board and unpinned her ad. Clarke figured she would leave immediately, but Lexa approached the counter. Her eyes scanned over the display glass.
"Can I get you anything?" Clarke tentatively asked.
Lexa looked up and readjusted the strap of her satchel. "Are there any baby Bundts left?"
Clarke shook her head. "All out. It's pecan tartlet week. But Wells liked making them, burnt apron aside - we could put them back in the rotation this month."
Lexa seemed surprised Clarke even suggested something that would please her. "That's alright; I'll just wait."
"Regular coffee?" Clarke asked.
Lexa nodded while looking away. "Sure."
As Clarke poured Lexa's regular in a paper cup, she couldn't help but feel like this was their first conversation all over again. Odd and stilted but also one that she didn't want to end so soon. Clarke capped the coffee and turned to her.
"I read your article on FC&B. It's really good." She gave her the cup. "Personal bias aside."
A small smile graced Lexa's face and Clarke felt a thrill. "My co-writer did most of the investigative work."
"But you did some too," Clarke remembered, knowing Lexa would also recollect the time Clarke had spotted her in Finn's shop. "Tried their juice and everything."
Lexa's nose scrunched subtly. "If that's what you want to call it. But still, Echo deserves the credit for the piece. It was her story from the beginning; I was mostly a sounding board."
Something about Lexa dismissing her own work bothered Clarke. "Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"I've read your stuff before; I know there was some of you in that article. Just take the compliment, Lexa."
There was that fierce light in Lexa's eyes again. "It's not fully mine to take."
"I guess they just put your name on there to fill space?"
Lexa pressed her lips together, unimpressed with the sarcasm.
Clarke huffed. "Why are you so-" She couldn't even finish her question, unsure where to start. Why couldn't they communicate normally? Why did every sentence feel like a mountain to climb? And how on earth did Lexa push her buttons without even lifting a finger?
"You're frustrated," Lexa pointed out.
"I am."
"With me?"
"Is that so hard to believe?"
"No. I've been told I can be frustrating before."
She said it with such a jaded expression that Clarke couldn't help but laugh. "God, how could I ever think…"
"Think what?" Lexa asked without skipping a beat.
Clarke shook her head and walked to the end of the counter. "Nothing."
Lexa followed. "You know, I'm not the only one who sidesteps questions."
There was something unnerving about her tone, like she was challenging her, and Clarke wasn't known to be a graceful loser.
"You don't want the answers."
"Try me. You might be surprised."
Clarke scoffed, then decided she wouldn't back away any longer. "What do you really want to ask, Lexa?" It was the same turn of phrase Lexa had used on her at the bar; the frustration of unspoken truths reaching a boiling point.
"What did you see?" Lexa inquired, never once looking away from her.
Clarke hesitated. They couldn't do this here, now… could they?
"Clarke," Lexa said, almost like a plea.
Clarke wasn't sure she'd ever heard her name said that way. She waited a beat. "Fine. I saw you."
Lexa visibly swallowed. "What about me?"
"You're a journalist. Guess."
"Good journalists don't guess. I would need some information to first form a hypothesis and then-"
"You kissed me," Clarke interjected, fed up with logic.
Lexa's mouth clamped shut, so Clarke continued:
"And I mean you kissed me everywhere. Is that enough to form a hypothesis?"
Lexa processed for a moment, her cheeks a shade darker. "It explains… things."
"Why?" Clarke paused, thinking it through. "Did you have…"
"Yes."
"The same?"
"Not exactly."
"Well? Spit it out."
Lexa looked around them, but no one paid them any attention. "I was making coffee. In my underwear.”
Clarke frowned, unsure she'd heard her correctly. "You're kidding, right? I make coffee every day, how is that so embarrassing you couldn't tell me?"
"No, you don't understand," Lexa weakly said. "I don't… like… coffee. Hate it. Any hot beverage actually."
"You hate coffee," Clarke repeated incredulously, eyes going to the very cup Lexa was holding.
"But I was making it," Lexa reiterated. "In an apartment that wasn't mine. With doodles framed everywhere. After recognizing the style, I figured… I was making it for you."
Clarke stepped back, bewildered. She had never once thought that Lexa might've seen the same thing she had, or something close, or even seen her. She wasn't even sure what that meant, if anything at all.
"Oh."
"Yes."
It was like everything had shifted in the span of a few seconds, the before and after she had revealed what she'd seen. It was different now. Lexa knew, and she knew, and everything that had brought them here took on a different meaning. Lexa starting a dialogue; Lexa inviting her to a play; Lexa catching her eyes from across a room. She had been trying to solve a puzzle too; trying to understand what she might've missed before.
But.
Something between them never quite… locked. For the first time, Clarke realized that Lexa was just as wildly out of her depth as she was. Even in her anger she'd put Lexa on a pedestal; seen her as the diligent journalist with the clever words and the impenetrable stare. Now she saw Lexa as someone looking for answers just as she was. They'd both been trying to form a connection based on a vision - maybe that was the problem.
"Well, that kind of takes the surprise out of it," she said, finally exhaling.
Lexa opened and shut her mouth, unsure where to go from there. She settled on a mute nod while Clarke fiddled with her hands, glancing toward the front door and praying for someone to walk in. No such miracle happened quickly enough.
"Thank you for telling me." Lexa had gone quieter; introspective in the way Clarke was used to.
"Yep." Clarke rubbed the back of her neck. "It's probably for the best that- I mean, it's a relief actually."
"It is. I'm sorry if I acted strangely," Lexa said. "I was confused."
"Right. Because we barely knew each other."
"Exactly."
"And I mean… we were both clearly trying to see if there was something… there, and, I don't know that-"
Lexa's eyes flashed to hers. "No, of course not. I'm just a customer."
Clarke frowned. "I didn't say that."
"But it's true. We were drawn to each other because of something out of our control. It's something I've heard a lot in recent interviews. A guy walking up to a woman after he had a vision of her dress. A wife divorcing her husband because she had a vision of herself accepting a drink from a stranger."
Lexa seemed to have gone back into business mode and Clarke didn't know if it was some sort of deflecting mechanism. Regardless, Clarke had never felt this awkward in her life. Like she might trip on her own feet if she even moved.
"So the visions push us to act a certain way," she tried to catch on.
Lexa nodded. "I'm exploring the theory that they're just one thread among hundreds of others. No one is forced to pull that one specifically. Nothing is ever inevitable."
Clarke didn't know what else she could do but nod in acknowledgment. That was it? People got life-altering information from their visions but she got a theory from the woman she shared the supposedly most exciting event of her life with?
"I'm glad we could clear the air."
"Absolutely," Lexa agreed.
Silence stretched for what felt like a minute before Lexa looked at her watch. "Speaking of interviews, I have a phone call soon."
"Great. Hope it's helpful."
"I'm sure it will be."
When Lexa started to leave, Clarke suddenly remembered something. "Wait!"
Lexa looked at her with wide eyes, practically in disbelief Clarke would want to prolong the excruciating moment.
"One more thing," Clarke said.
"Yes?"
Clarke took a deep breath. "Was it a date?"
Lexa frowned. "What?"
"When you offered me a ticket to Lincoln's play. When you mentioned the after party. Were you asking me out?"
"You'd mentioned wanting to see a play," Lexa stammered. "I had the spare ticket."
"Did you want to pull the thread, Lexa?" Clarke asked, feeling a surge of confidence. Now that the secret was out, she needed to know everything. She needed their bizarre back-and-forths to have an explanation.
Lexa froze. "I'm a journalist; I investigate. You were my only lead."
It affected her more than it should have, considering Clarke had promised herself she wouldn't let Lexa Woods get to her again.
Lexa must've noticed. "I didn't mean - you're obviously not just-"
"It's fine. I get it. I wanted to be sure too." Clarke turned to grab a towel for the counter. "It's like you said: nothing is inevitable. I'm glad we got it squared away."
Lexa nodded weakly. "So everything can go back to the way it used to be."
"Sure."
"I look forward to tomorrow's new batch," Lexa told her politely before leaving.
Clarke dropped her towel and sat on the stool they kept behind the counter. Lexa was back in her life, but somehow it felt worse to return to normal. Somehow all Clarke could think about was that Lexa wanted to pull their damn thread but something was keeping her from it.
And maybe it was time to admit she might’ve hoped Lexa and her were inevitable.
-
[part six]
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Since you're in university now, what was your school experience? Do you miss the good old days or not? The old friends? The teachers?
I’m sorry if I took this long to answer, but this is a... kinda painful topic. I hope you didn’t mind the wait, Anonymous or not there’s still someone behind the ask.
I put it under the cut because my entire school experience was being bullied, basically.
Aside from my years of high school (minus the first), my experience was terrible. I don’t have a single good memory of those days, unfortunately.
Since my first day of elementary school, I’ve always been the target for bullies, and things kept getting worse and worse. I was always alone, the teachers themselves would put me by myself because they didn’t want me to be a distraction for my classmates. Even worse when I broke my front teeth in a bike accident and people would not only make fun of me every single day, but also try to make me fall so I could break the fake ones as well.
Things went so downhill for me that I started refusing to go to school, being always late because I didn’t want to go, and having to listen day after day how my classmates would say “oh no, she’s here” as soon as I stepped in my class.
By my third year of elementary school, I was already ostracized by half of my town. By the last year, I convinced myself I didn’t deserve to have friends and that I deserved to be alone and be bullied.
I couldn’t even complain to the teachers or my parents, because they always defended the bullies.
Middle school went even worse. Different town, same people plus the friends of said people. Up to that point I only had maybe three friends left. I lost one because people kept talking shit about me, and started losing another for the same reason (I didn’t know about this until much later).
The teachers hated me, always put me at the very end of the classroom, by myself. They would scold me for basically anything I did, worsening the bullying I was receiving from not only classmates at that point, but the entire school (there were only three classes with maybe 15 people each, all people coming from the same town and friendship groups).
By the end of my last year, I was left with one friend and the constant fear of staying around people.
Then I was forced to go to a high school I hated, with the same fucking people, because my parents wanted me to. I only lasted one year, which I spent unable to make friends and always isolated.
Then I changed school.
I changed school, and I almost cried the first fucking day.
Because for the first time in... maybe 10 years, someone came up to me and asked me “Hey, why don’t you sit with us?”.
I was finally able to make some friends, and actually do good in school. The only thing was: my parents hated that school, and made me feel miserable evey day I went there.
So imagine that.
I would go back to that school just for the friends, really, and for a couple teachers that were really amazing. And because, in all seriousness, those four years helped me immensely.
I tried to summarize everything by cutting a lot, because I’m sure most people on this blog don’t want to sit down and read about my awful childhood/teenage years. I only kept one friend from those days. The only friend I met outside school, who then moved to my school, and had the balls to stay with me even if staying meant she was getting bullied as well.
I don’t look back at those days. I hated them just as much as I hated all the people that bullied be. Those years are the reason why I now suffer from sever social anxiety and cannot even go out with my friends without thinking I’m just a burden to them.
Hell, I had to spent two weeks thinking about whether I should have posted this answer or not, because I’m scared of what people think even on the internet. Those bullies might have never hit me (save for one girl, who I promptly hit back and was punished for), but they destroyed my mental health. They destroyed those days for me. I don’t ever remember my one and only favorite teacher from school anymore, because those few good memories got replaced by the bad ones.
Be nice to people. Always.
For the rest, school itself wasn’t that bad. I was good at almost every subject, because I overall enjoyed studying when it wasn’t forced on me, and the teachers (save for a couple bad ones) were competent and left their students with fair amounts of knowledge.
Getting up at 5:30 am every day was traumatic, though. That, and having to suffer through a 1/1 and a half hour of public transport.
My best experience was, again, during my last years of high school. I got to participate in after-school activities, theatre being my favorite, and even managed to have a work of mine brought to the World Exposition Milan 2015. To this day, still my greatest accomplishment. I so wish to stick this in the face of all the people that told me I was worthless.
I really hope your experience was better. And if, by chance, the person reading this is a parent or a teacher, please listen to what kids have to say and pay attention to the signals.
And if the person reading this is a bully?
Sincerely,
Fuck you.
#school#high school#i don't know how to tag this#bullying tw#triggering content#potentially triggering#middle school#please be nice#to people#no one deserves this
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PROMPT LIST
PROMPTS TO BE REQUESTED FOR USE IN HBO WAR IMAGINES OR HEADCANONS !
ANGST/MISC.
1. “Forget it, you’re a fucking asshole.”
2. “Nobody’s seen you in days.”
3. “Can you shut up for once in your life?”
4. “Don’t you trust me?”
5. “What if, after everything I’ve gone through, something’s gone wrong inside me...something bad” “You’re not a bad person”
6. “How strange is it after all that, we are strangers again”
7. “I just came to say goodbye”
8. “You’re being emotional, it’s understandable, but unnecessary”
9. “I’m here because I care for you”
10. “And that makes it okay?”
11. “Are you afraid to die?”
12. “What would you do if I didn’t come back?”
13. “I don’t want to talk about it”
14. “Is that blood?” “.....No?”
15. “If i asked you to stay, would you?”
16. “People don’t seem to want us, do they?”
17. “You’ve been drinking tonight, haven’t you?”
18. “Don't take another step in my direction. I can't be trusted around you.”
19. “I'm not naïve. I have seen women around you. Don't think I don't see how they fall for your charms.”
20. “I almost feel bad for you.”
21. “I saw you staring. Like he's just your understudy”
22. “I'm not your problem anymore”
23. “I hate seeing you like this.”
24. “You don’t get to say anything to me!”
25. “Excuse me?”
26. “You aren’t going anywhere.”
27. “You aren’t the boss of me.”
28. “All I wanted was a happy ending.”
29. “Your hands are just as dirty.”
30. “What did you just say to me?”
31. “Never trust a man whose smile steals the breath right from your lungs.”
32. “How am I supposed to go on?”
33. “Can’t you see how fucked up this is?
34. “Move out of my way before I make you.”
35. “I can beat you with one hand behind my back.”
36. “Do you understand what you’ve done?”
37. “Is this how you thought your life would be?”
38. “Did you expect this to turn out better?”
39. “Are you satisfied with yourself now?!”
40. “Can you shut up for once in your life?”
41. “Should you be drinking that much?”
42. “Why are you awake right now?”
43. “You’re not a bad guy.”
44. “Maybe it’s a blessing he didn’t love me.”
45. “She made me feel safe, even when I hated her.”
46. “You’re upset and looking for someone to blame.”
47. “That’s not on me, it’s on you.”
48. “I never had anyone until him.”
49. “We signed a deal with the devil.”
50. “I love you! Is that what you wanted to hear?”
51. “Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them not to.”
52. “I love you, but you’re not mine.”
53. “We grew apart, and at this point I’m glad.”
54. “Find somebody else to kiss your ass.”
55. “Hurting you is the last thing I’d do, you know that.”
56. “There was this sadness in his eyes.”
57. “You said you’d always be there for me, but you’re not.”
58. “ “I don’t want you to leave my side.”
59. “How did things go so wrong?”
60. “Forget it, you’re a fucking asshole.”
FLUFF
1. “You said to be honest, stop hitting me!”
2. “I’m not entirely an idiot, you know”
3. “All right, miss high and mighty”
4. “You’ve always got me.”
5. “You’ve always felt like home.”
6. “I’m right where I belong.”
7. “I’ll feel much better if you let me walk you home.”
8. “Shall we stick together?”
9. “I’m too sober for this.” “You don’t even drink.” “Maybe I should start.”
10. “If I die, I’m haunting you first.”
11. “You're family.”
12. “I care about you.”
13. “Is there a reason you’re blushing like that?”
14. “Please don't have somebody waiting on you”
15. “I hope you know what you're doing.”
16. "What are you smiling about?"
17. “I’m not a damsel in distress. I’m a damsel doing damage.”
18. “I’d punch you, but that’d ruin that pretty little face of yours.”
19. “Sorry, was that supposed to impress me?”
20. “You’re insane,” “You love me,” “Not right now I don’t.”
21. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.”
22. ““I just want to see you happy.”
23. “I haven’t seen you smile like that in ages.”
24. “Home stopped being a place when you entered my life.”
25. “I’m proud of you.”
26. “Aren’t we supposed to be working?”
27. “You can’t look handsome and dangerous at the same time.”
28. “You broke my nose!”
29.”You really can’t take a hit, can you?”
30. “Well, at least we have each other.”
31. “You come here often?” “Well, this is my company. So I think I’d have to say ‘yes’.”
32. “I’ve grown to like you more in your absence.”
33. “I just asked if you were cold. I didn’t ask for your whole life story.”
34. “The flirting was to distract him.”
35. “But, then on meeting you, I felt I should be with you always.”
36. “Do I get bonus points if I act like I care?”
37. “Just remember if we get caught, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English.”
38. “Do I look like a killer to you?” “Yes, you kill my patience.”
39. “You promised not to tell” “Hitler promised not to invade Czechoslovakia, and here we are, so welcome to the real world”
40. “If you’re gonna act like an ass, I’m going to treat you like an ass.”
41. “Life is too short to spend it on people who annoy you.”
42. “If I wanted kill myself, I would climb your ego and jump to your IQ.”
43. “Thanks, but I’ve gotta go to sleep because I have a big day of....misery ahead of me.”
44. “You’re so wrong, it makes me want to cry a little.”
45. “Every time something goes well, I momentarily forget how much I despise you.”
46. “Well, this would be fun if I wasn’t miserable.”
47. “I will make you sorry you were ever born” “For your information, I’m already sorry I was ever born.”
48. “Give me a reason why I shouldn’t set you on fire.”
49. “I would prefer an assassin’s bullet to this living hell.”
50. “Underneath this cool exterior is a sad human being.”
51. “It was just the two of us, and it was wonderful.”
52. “I’m not entirely an idiot.”
53. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”
54. “You give me a reason to be better, to do better.”
55. “I could punch you right now.”
56. “Good thing I didn’t ask for your opinion.”
57. “The quickest way to a man’s heart is through his fourth and fifth ribs.”
58. “What do you mean she’s my new partner? She tried to kill me last week!” “Sounds like a you problem.”
59. “Oh honey, I’d never be jealous of you.”
60. “Is there a reason you’re blushing like that?”
SONG PROMPTS !
1. ENCHANTED - Taylor Swift
2. YOU’RE SOMEBODY ELSE - Flora Cash
3. MORAL OF THE STORY - Ashe
4. FRIENDS - Chase Atlantic
5. EXILE - Taylor Swift
6. CROWD - Silver Sphere
7. SWINGING ON A STAR - Bing Crosby
8. YOU ALWAYS HURT THE ONES YOU LOVE - Mills Brothers
9. LOOK AFTER YOU - The Fray
10. DEEP END - Birdy
11. ARCADE - Duncan Laurence
12. FALLING APART - Michael Schulte
13. SUN - Sleeping At Last
14. DYNASTY - Miia
15. IRIS - The Goo Goo Dolls
16. LOSE YOU TO LOVE ME - Selena Gomez
17. LITTLE TALKS - Of Monsters and Men
18. ALWAYS - Isak Danielson
19. HAPPIEST YEAR - Jaymes Young
20. YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL - Lana Del Rey
21. SOMEONE TO YOU - Banners
22. I LIKE ME BETTER - Lauv
23. COLLIDE - Rachel Platten
24. FRIEND - Gracie Abrams
25. HAPPY ENDING - Mika
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Coming Out
I don’t really know where to pour my heart out other then Tumblr. Considering this site has the most random stuff i think it’s the right place to get this off my chest. It’s gonna be a long post so i will be pouring my heart out under the ‘keep reading’ line. Basically it boils down to the fact that I just came out as Non-Binary to the people i work with. Which leaves me in a whirlpool of emotions. I’ve already bawled my eyes out and i might do it again. Because i’m scared as hell, relieved as all hell and i feel like i can fucking breathe for the first time since forever. Everything is just overwhelming right now. But i need to get this off my chest. And i have literally no where else to post this. Just a heads up, i will be talking about my own experience, which brushes the subject of depression, anxiety and suicide. So if you’re sensitive to these subjects, i completely understand if you decide not to read.
Onto my story:
First up, I’m Non-Binary. (He/Him Pronouns) And it may be a strange opening line but you have to understand that i haven’t been able to say this out loud, with pride, for years. I have been going through a really rough childhood and up until highschool i thought that it was because there was something wrong with me. As highschool progressed, things didn’t get any better, except for the fact that i started to understand something wasn’t necessarily wrong with me. I was just different then other people. And at the end of highschool i finally figured out what was what. But i couldn’t do anything with that knowledge. Depression, Anxiety, bullying and other things kept a lid on it.
I thought it was best to suffer in silence because i was so scared that everything was going to get so much worse if i came out as a Non-binary person. On top of that, I’m a Pansexual. It’s a logical but not a great combo as these are two things that are very ‘new’ and ‘recently introduced’ to society. I know these things were existing before we could even give it a name. (And my heart hurts thinking of all those people in the past who struggled with this their whole lives unable to give it a name or come to terms with it)
I was struggling with multiple things, trying to keep my head above the water. Which backfired completely as i got depressed, my first ever girlfriend backstabbed me, which made me feel like an even more sore loser, i struggled with self esteem, my gender, my sexuality, my body, my personality. Basically everything a teenager would be going through except... It was really bad. So bad i wanted to end it all. I did try to push myself to commit suicide, but in the end i couldn’t go through with it. I thought it was too selfish to leave my parents and sisters behind without answers. And though at least i didn’t feel guilty for leaving them behind, i felt miserable with my life.
Fast forward to college, I was struggling. Walking around like a zombie. My education suffered, i suffered. My depression got worse. I had to quit and i spend half a year at home, in bed. Refusing to get up for anything other then food or the bathroom or maybe a shower if i felt like it. At this point i would hurt myself to distract me from the pain on the inside. If i felt pain on the outside, i wouldn’t pay attention to the fact that i felt like i couldn’t breathe, every day.
My parents eventually forced me to do some volunteer work. (no people involved, i had to go to a farm where special care was given to the disabled and feed the animals in the petting zoo there.) The animals made me feel more at ease and the fresh air did me some good. I was getting a bit better. I stopped hurting myself because the volunteer job distracted me enough. But i still felt like i couldn’t breathe. Until my parents suggested i go see a Psychiatrist. Help was help, or so i thought, so i agreed. But (and don’t get me wrong, i love my parents and respect their beliefs) the psychiatrist was from a Christian organization and he didn’t get me at.all. According to him i was suffering from a personality disorder and identity disorder. Which i KNEW wasn’t true.
Naturally i quit therapy because the man wouldn’t listen to me. Now i’m a Christian too, and i know we aren’t all the same. But i didn’t want to risk it, so i went looking for a more open minded psychiatrist . One who was perhaps an atheist or hanging on some other religion. I didn’t care as long as he was open minded. (I didn’t feel comfortable with female psychiatrists at the time, but if i had i would have considered going to one) So i found a psychiatrist that i had a good feeling with and things started to get better. He helped me get through my trauma (I was sexually assaulted when i was eleven. Because of my low self esteem I couldn’t say ‘no’. I was too shy and timid to stick up for myself and this fucker knew and abused it.) He helped me gain more confidence. He helped me build up more self esteem and accept my sexuality. But Gender was still an issue.
Eventually we were at a stalemate. I felt like i had to figure the rest out for myself. He too said he gave me the tools i needed, but it was up to me to build my life.
fast forward to my second attempt at collage. I struggled through a relationship that didn’t work. and ended things with my date in the start of the second year. It was a 3 year education program that eventually took me 5 and a half years to complete. But i did it. And i got my degree and boy i was proud. But then... I had to start working and put myself in the professional field. This was 3 years ago. Thinking back on the hell i went through to get where i was, i didn’t want to risk people misunderstanding me or turning me down because i was different. I kept my gender and sexuality trapped tightly in my private life.
But you may have guessed it: It still made me feel miserable. I was lying to myself. And every time someone addressed me with female pronouns it was like someone was banging a hammer on a piano. I tried to ignore it but people started noticing i was very closed off and quiet and basically not a very happy person. I went from my first job to another employer somewhere else because i needed more hours. (there was never anything wrong with my first job, they just thought i was really shy. but i couldn’t get more hours so i moved on.) Hoping that it would be better there. Same story, same results. They noticed something was wrong. When i tried carefully to open up about what was bothering me, i got fired. That was at the start of this year. I tried hard to find a new job, the first job interview i had i felt like it had to be now or never. So i thought ‘fuck it all’ and i told them about my gender and that i preferred male pronouns even though i looked feminine. Guess what. They decided not to hire me. Big surprise. So the next time, i didn’t say a thing.
Then i was about to get hired and then lockdown happened. And they laid me off. I was starting to feel depressed again. And helpless. Hopeless. I thought back on my first employer, and what a good time i had there despite my struggles and me being so quiet. So i was like: Why the hell not? And i tried again to get a job with the same employer. They had a place for me, not at the location i worked at before, but at a different one. Five days a week. I felt like i just witnessed a miracle when they decided to hire me. But i didn’t tell them anything about my gender or struggles, i just told them i have trouble opening up but i’m really trying. And they are patient with me and help me wherever they can. It’s also a Christian organization, but they are much more open minded then you’d expect religious people to be. (To be fair not everyone employed there is actually religious)
Two months go by and i’m having a good time. The job is perfect, my co workers are really nice. I’m having a great time. But there is still that nagging feeling every time a kid calls me Teacher. (I’m Dutch. We don’t have a word like Teacher. With us it’s divided into Female teachers ‘Juffen’ And Male teachers ‘Meesters’) So they naturally call me the female equivalent of teacher. And i absolutely hate it. Again i hear that hammer banging on the piano and i feel like i can’t breathe. Then i learn that one of my co-workers is a Lesbian and in a relationship and everyone is acting so normal about it. And she has been working there for 6 years now. It broke something in me. I just didn’t want to lie to myself and others anymore. But because of everything that happened i was so scared to come out as Non-Binary.
So a few weeks ago i was finally so fed up with everything and the constant feeling that my chest was constricted and a knot being in my throat every time a kid called me teacher. So finally, there were some kids joking about boys and girls and what would make someone a boy or a girl. (kids are so sweet and innocent at the age of 5 they don’t know any better) So some of the girls were giggling and started calling me the male equivalent of teacher. I nearly cried. I never felt so happy in my life. But then one of my co-workers tried to correct them and i just blurted out: “Please don’t correct them. It’s fine. They can call me that.”
She was surprised. And i thought: ‘What did i do now?’ But on second thought, it didn’t give me the chance to run away again or hide or keep struggling in silence. Because later she asked me what i meant with it and i told her my story. Of how my gender and how i was addressed effected me. I told her everything and i was shaking. I was scared, i was on the edge of crying, because i remembered all the times that me coming out as a person, with my Non-binary gender had caused me more harm then good.
She was very calm about it. I could tell she was trying her best to understand even if she was left a bit confused, and we talked about solutions. She then suggested that if it would make me really happy, then starting immediately, we would teach these kids to address me with my name instead of as a teacher. (I work in after care for kids who’s parents have to work, so we pick them up from school and look after them until dinner time when their parents pick them up. We aren’t teachers anyway.)
I never really thought about that. And i agreed on the solution. So then we started to teach these kids to address me with my name. Another co worker i often work with heard this being brought into practice, which also kind of left me to explain to her why this was now a thing and why it needed to continue to be a thing. So i told my story to her. Again i was scared as hell, shaking and near crying. But she also responded calmly and told me she thought i was brave and that she would try to help me teach these kids to address me by my name.
I work with one other co worker on a regular basis. I haven’t told her the why yet but i asked her to help me teach the kids to address me with my name. (those kids are 6-7 years old and are a little easier when teaching something new) She agreed even if she didn’t know why. I will tell her soon. Probably next week. But i’m still nervous and my emotions are all over the place.
I also told my ehmm superior? Is that the word? I don’t know but she works at the office on our location to organize everything for everyone and make sure we have a list of which kids are coming on which days and stuff like that. I ended up telling half of my story to her too. She was interested but busy with a lot of other things too, which made it even scarier to tell her. (I always get more scared if i can’t really figure out how a person is going to respond or if the response is too vague for me to be able to tell if it was bad or good). But she was very calm about it too. So i want to see if i can sit down with her sometime and tell her my whole story to see if she can understand it a little better, and how we’re going to implement this in my work. Who needs to know, who can know and how we will solve the pronouns thing. (Although she seemed happy with the solution of calling me by my name. She seemed to support it)
So as you can guess, after the last two weeks my emotions and feelings have been all over the place. I don’t sleep well some nights because all of this is going on and it’s so recent and fresh that i’m still worried. but... I can breathe.. For the first time since forever i can breathe. I’m happy. I’m not lying to myself. I don’t have to hide. And even if they don’t fully understand it, i’m finally being fully supported.
(I love my parents as i’ve said before. But because of their beliefs they can’t fully support me. They will always love me. But to them i will never be anything else than their daughter and their little girl. And though it hurts my heart more then they realize, they refuse to use male pronouns for me. But they love me and they will never ever turn me away. I will always be welcome in their home. They will always love me as their child. They will never cut me off or disown me or turn away from me. So they support me. Just not 100% in the way i wished they would.)
(My sisters are more open. Though my older sister has some trouble, she tries to use he/him even though she told me honestly that she doesn’t think she can ever see me as her little brother. So i told her ‘Don’t. Because i’m Non-Binary. Just see me as your little person.’ She laughed and said: Alright.
My little sister is the easiest. She doesn’t mind calling me Bro. She even said she always wanted a brother so she calls me dude and bro and uses he/him and i love her for it.)
But now at my work of all places (next to my few friends who use he/him as well) i have people who support me fully and try to help me be who i am without me having to feel ashamed for it or repressing it because i think being myself will cause me more harm then good. I can be myself. I can finally just let go. I have cried so hard already and i’m almost crying again typing this all out. Good god i know it’s a long story but... I’m just so overwhelmed. I needed to get this all out there one way or another. Just because i’m so overwhelmed that i need an outlet. So Tumblr. Here you go. This is my coming out story and i’m gonna go off and bawl my eyes out in a corner again because... I am overwhelmed.
#Noobtiedoo#coming out story#coming out#gender stuff#wordvomit#anxiety#depression#happiness#emotions all over the place#i feel so overwhelmed#real life struggles#non-binary
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.hamartia. ‘Part 4,
Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (f) x Taehyung (?)
Genre: Mafia!Au, Fluff, Angst (Mostly angst oopsies) I DO NOT CONDONE BEHAVIOR DISPLAYED IN THIS, PLEASE IT’S FICTION AND DON’T DO STUPID THINGS THANK YOU
Plot: Y/N is a skilled, well, torturer, though you don’t like to call yourself that; it makes what you do too real. When mafia boss Yoongi wants information or wants a hostage to suffer, you step in. However, one fateful day you are thrown Taehyung, another person who does your line of work. You need answers, he is determined not to give them to you. That’s when you try...a different approach, and Yoongi is not pleased.
Rating: TV-MA
WARNINGS: YO IF YOU’RE NOT COOL WITH SUBTLE BI AGENDAS THEN I’M SORRY THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU, Blood, torture, mafia things (ya know?), drugs alcohol, sadistic tendencies, a fundamentally flawed main character (I’m sorry i’m just writing myself pretty much), assault, harassment, stalking (not bad), romance (somehow), Maybe stockholm syndrome???
Word Count: 2.1K words
A/N: I’m sorry there’s not a lot of Taehyung here, but there will be in the next chapter >:) I’m also really like to think that House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco is the theme song for this series.
Other:
Masterlist
Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Next
guilt
~ guilt is an affective state in which one experiences conflict at having done something that one believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done something one believes one should have done).
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“Is that all?” Yoongi raised a questioning eyebrow.
It had been a solid two weeks since Taehyung was moved to better treatment. Two weeks and you had yet to learn much about him. He didn’t speak to you when you came to talk to him, he rarely responded. You deduced he either had balls of steel or was terrified out his mind. You chose the former considering his serious disposition. Even if he wasn’t in this situation, you suspected he would be a rather serious man.
“Yes.” You paused. “Well, I found out his favorite color is gray.”
“Oh?”
“It wasn’t on purpose. He didn’t tell me, but you know me, Yoongi,” You glanced to meet his eyes for the first time this whole meeting. “You know I’m an observer. I see the smallest twitch of relaxation when there’s a gray colored item. Of course, he’s a smart man...” You trailed off. Taehyung could be deceiving you to believe one way.
“And what have you done with this information?” The pale man didn’t seem amused.
“I’ve taken away anything gray.” That also meant you had to change up your wardrobe, which was annoying. Gray was a go to color of yours. In the morning, you had to ignore a third of your wardrobe. You were still using a subtle torture. Depraving him of certain colors and shapes was a softer way to approach this. You had seen excellent results in the past with this method, but it was often a slow burn.
Yoongi nodded his head slowly, seemingly thinking deeply. He didn’t return your gaze and instead looked toward the ceiling.
“Interesting.”
There was a long pause. You really had nothing else to report. Taehyung woke up at 3 A.M. in the freaking morning everyday, if you could even call that morning. He managed to wake up before you. And with your absolutely fucked sleep schedule, he was almost making your life hell. wait a minute.
“Can I be dismissed?” You quickly said, already starting to stand up.
“You’ve figured something out, haven’t you?” He finally met your eyes. You had this spark, a sudden realization. You just nodded, trying to get out as soon as possible. You had a lot to discuss with Jimin.
“Fine, you’re dismissed.” Usually he wouldn’t allow such an outburst, but it was you. He had vowed never to yell at you again after what happened.
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You found the silver haired man relaxing on a bench outside of one of the torture rooms.
“Jimin.” You grabbed his arm hurriedly and hoisted him up to follow you before he could even say hi. He fell into step with you and panted after his rude awakening.
“What? Did something happ-”
“Jimin, Taehyung has been toying with us.” You almost shouted. Then you looked around the hallway, seeing it to be clear, and then lowered your voice.
“What do you mean.” Jimin hissed. He may be soft for the mafia, but he did not enjoy being fooled with.
“Taehyung has been making our lives miserable. He observed us, learned our patterns, and knew how to use them against us. We may be the ones in power, but Taehyung has managed to weasel his way in.” You paused to take a breath. Jimin stood, mouth agape.
“So...So he knew about...”
“He knew you’re soft. He knows I wake up at 5 A.M. so he pushed it further. He’s depriving us of sleep and humanity.” You bit your lip, thinking. What has he been doing? He just sits there, he doesn’t try to escape. He doesn’t talk, but he gives you just enough information. How did he learn to read people so well? It’s impossible for him to know everything about us from just us going in and out of that room...The color drained of your face as you thought of another possibility. No, it can’t be- Jimin pulled you out of your thoughts, saying the words you couldn’t bring yourself to say.
“He’s a distraction.”
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“You’re not a monster, but you’re not the woman I fell in love with.” Yoongi stood stiff. He was always so blunt.
“Might I remind you,” You seethed, hands gripping the back of the seat tightly, your knuckles turning white. “You made me this way.”
He looked away, almost ashamed. “You wanted a job here, you didn’t want to feel like dead weight. I gave you a job.”
You scoffed, “Don’t blame this on me, Yoongi.”
“Fine.” He crossed his arms, leaning casually against the window sill. The office felt so dark, a tense fog filling the room. “The position was open and I saw you as just another worker who could fill it. I could have promoted Jimin, but I gave you respect and prestige.”
“You gave me hell.” You would get to his other insults in a moment, but you needed to think. You were so enraged you could barely breathe. You were so distraught you tears springing to your eyes. But you refused to let him see you cry. You bit back the lump in your throat, swallowing thickly. A moments pause and the room felt like a tinderbox ready to catch fire. All that was needed was the matchstick to light everything ablaze.
You feared setting the room ablaze, but then you looked at his eyes, cold and merciless. And you decided, this room feels stuffy anyway, it would look prettier ablaze. You took a deep breath.
“Funny, that you can speak of prestige and respect when everyone is just terrified of you. There’s no respect in sight, just fear.” You stated plainly. “And I don’t fear you, but I sure as hell will never respect you after this. We’re over, Yoongi.” You knew you had wounded him sufficiently. You grabbed your bag, deciding that the ashes falling around you weren’t salvageable, and stormed out of the room. The office door slammed shut and you swore you would never step foot in there again.
But yet again, you lied to yourself. Again and again you said it would be the last time you saw him, that you’d leave and escape this world, but every time you drove out of town, you turned back around. You were utterly helpless, stuck. If only this was some sick love story where he would run after you. You wanted him to, but if those ashes meant anything, it meant death. Death of your love. And Yoongi would never run to you. After all...you were just another member of his illusive gang.
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So here you were, breaking your own promises time and time again. You paced, unable to stop. It had been long since you felt pain looking at him, but you still felt your heart twinge to hear his voice.
“Listen, I’m telling you, Yoongi, this is a trap. He’s stalling, he’s being a distraction. Have you even heard from the other gangs in weeks?”
The slight twitch in his lips told you that he hadn’t. He carefully placed his whiskey down.
“That’s a big accusation. We are on good terms with most gangs in the area. It’s normal not to hear from them for a while.”
“No, no, you don’t understand. There’s been nothing. No crime, no new headlines.”
That got him a little more worried.
“What would their reasons be? We haven’t done anything terrible.”
“We’ve stolen land, cheated deals, killed their men. They fear us, but they’ve only just realized that with all of them combined, they can outnumber us.” You stopped pacing, almost panting from the adrenaline flowing through your veins. You felt like you were on some strange kind of high.
Yoongi was staring at you. Slowly, slowly, he stood. He went around his desk and leaned on the other side.
“I see what you mean. I’ll send Mark and Jungkook out to check on the other gangs tomorrow. We’ll prepare for an invasion, heighten security. If they get suspicious, we’ll just say it’s better to be on the safe side.” Yoongi said. Then he looked at you expectantly, as if he thought you would argue.
This would be a time to have the upper hand on Taehyung and his supposed plan. You couldn’t show all your cards of let him know you knew.
“We can’t be 100% sure.” You said quickly, trying to manage expectations.
“Funny, coming from someone who was so certain a few moments ago.”
There it was again. That tension hung in the air. Funny. That’s how you had started it ages ago. It felt exactly like it was a few months ago.
“You should get more sunlight, Yoongi, you look too pale.” You said offhandedly, trying to ease the tension.
“I could say the same to you. You prefer the prisoners underground to the members above ground.” He fired back.
“At least they can’t argue with me.” Your lips pricked up into a small smile.
Yoongi studied you, licking his lips. Then he smiled as well. The playful banter reminded you of when you were together. The memories were painted blue now; a symbol of what once was. He seemed to be thinking the same.
“Dismissed.” He said quietly. You simple nodded and left, softly shutting the door behind you.
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Your steps are light. You could be an assassin with how well you had learned your way around this house. You knew every creaky floorboard and every squeaky door handle. For once, you didn’t feel like going back down to the artificial lighting of the basement rooms. Perhaps I’ll follow what Yoongi said. You then frowned thinking of the smug grin he would have on his face if you ever said that out loud.
He was right in some aspect. You hadn’t spent much time outside in the past few weeks. You mostly split your time between your room, the basement, and the surveillance room.
You spotted a tall man at the end of the hallway. He was on the phone and you didn’t really want to run into him anyway. Kim Namjoon was an excellent snake for the Bangtan Mafia. You just didn’t want to interact with the snake. He really was a good charmer and he knew how to say the right things at the right time. In fact, you would have enlisted his help with Taehyung if he hadn’t been so busy. Sadly, this snake was also standing right near your door, as if he had been waiting for you.
You wanted to slip by him unnoticed, but you should have known it would take a little more than that to slip past the silver tongue of Bangtan.
“Ah, I’ve got to go.” You heard him speaking. “My deepest apologies.” he spoke before hanging up. You never trusted that man.
“Hello, Kim.” You simply nodded, trying to get past quickly.
“Oh, no need for the formalities. We’re all a family here.” The corners of his lips tilted upwards in an almost smile, not quite enough to show the dimples in his cheeks. He used to be a friend, never close, but you had burned that bridge a while ago as well.
“Right...Namjoon.” You corrected yourself. You managed to get by when his hand shot out and grasped your arm.
“Why are you in such a hurry?” He quirked his head to the side. You had to stop yourself from glancing at the door across from your room. Inside was Taehyung. You wonder if he could hear you.
“I just have business to attend to.” You said vaguely.
“A little birdy told me we have a guest.”
You paused, hands suddenly sweating. You kept a straight face, not daring to move.
“Does that birdy have pale skin and wear suits when it’s entirely unnecessary?” You raised an eyebrow. Namjoon laughed, obviously over exaggerated. To an ordinary person, it would feel genuine.
“Perhaps.” He wouldn’t let his cards show.
“I really have to-”
“I heard he’s been..difficult. I could speak to him if you’d like help.”
“That’s really not necessary. I have it handled.” You ripped your arm away from his grasp.
“He’s in there, right?” He tilted his head towards the door across from yours.
“How did you know?” You narrowed your eyes.
“Just a hunch.” The prick then slid to the side and let you pass. “A pleasure to speak to you again, Y/N.”
When he was gone, you huffed and opened your room door. Annoying prick.
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asflksajglsghs;agj thanks for reading! Part 5 soon- and I have big plans. I hope the lack of taehyung isn’t too disappointing here :(
Alrighty see y’all next chapter!
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#bts#bts mafia#yoongi#taehyung#bts x reader#taehyung x reader#yoongi x reader#taehyung mafia#yoongi mafia#fluff#angst
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